#this year truly helped me understand myself more too!! that's cool

[the-acid-pear]

We are far from midnight yet, but i think i want to say a few words to say goodbye to this year.

2022 was a rather kind year to me, despite the horrors! And sure, the horrors were great, i am in the worst economic position ever since the pandemic, and i haven't been able to STILL fulfill my resolution, which is to come out, not to mention the very awful moments I've had w my dad's relationship and my grandma rn, but hey! Everything is going ok right now.

So let me actually thank for what the year gave me and for what achieved. For example, i finally finished highschool this year! I refuse to think of it because if i do i will cry and that goes against my tough guy persona, but it's truly a great achievement. 3 years ago i nearly killed myself because of this shit and today i stand alive on top of it. I made it. I fucking made it. And there were many obstacles, i had my own fucking Judas!! But hey, who cares! I did it.

And this year gave me a lot of joy!! This year i found out my passion for liveblogging which made me watch so many movies and be able to share so many feelings about it.

The fixations that stole the show this year are without a doubt spiderman, evil dead, and american psycho tbh! Absolutely not the only ones but the ones that most good did to me in an emotional level. I spoke a lot about my love for these things and how much they mean to me and i could do so for all the other fixations I'm kinda glossing over but that would take waaay too long 💀

But not only that, this year was WONDERFUL for music too!!! I got to get into Reverend Glasseye, my current favorite band, and so many others. Like Harley Poe! This year's album made me so clinically insane. I truly got super into these genres i was previously unaware of and it feels so nice. I'm thriving honestly!!

This year also was a great one for relationships in all honesty!! If you asked me who I met this year i wouldn't be able to answer you, but what i know is that this year truly allowed me to become more and more normal, and allowed me to create a deeper bond with a lot of mutuals and friends!! There's still a long way to go, there's a lot of people with whom i want to be closer, but this is more than i could have wished for years ago!!!!

Of course it's selfish as balls to give myself all the credit, i truly am thankful for the friends and people that have been with me this year, in a bigger or smaller scale. I appreciate and love all of you and I hope this can keep going. Hugging and kissing u all /p

AND THATS NOT ALL ABOUT MY RELATIONSHIPS!! I would be a madman if i just glossed over how my 3-4 years relationship with Blood ended. But that's not bad!! I truly think being only friends was the best choice before we ended up killing each other. Not only that, but i also got to date my dear beloved bestie darling boy Eye!! (Eye if you are reading this: kissing u w tongue rn 🥰💝💕💖💗💘💖♥️💖💞💝💗💞). I won't get too cheesy but i love him and i love this new side to our relationship we achieved and i just love it. I'm happy with it!! Lost a gf earned a bf I'm winning babeyyyyy

So, overall, 2022 treated me niceys! Sure, there were a lot of bad things, lots of extremely painful things, the horrors were strong, my mental health is ever deteriorating, but it's okay. I have hope! I have friends, i have love, i know i can make it. I WANT to make it. I want to keep going, i want to see more of this life, i want to see more of my friends, i just want to keep on living.

And that's the note I'm ending the year on!! On a pained but hopeful note. Like a man, crawling, full of open wounds, looking up and the sky again, seeing the sun go up, thankful of still being here.

Oh yeah and I'm also thankful of my brain chemistry changing crush on Willem Dafoe that was a very cool part of this year too! 😁👍

[drdemonprince]

thanks for your response to my question about knowing what you want. that's broadly what i've been trying to do, though dealing with long covid and being very conscious of not getting it again makes in-person stuff... tricky. i've been trying to do something nice just for myself for my birthday (in kind of a reclaiming manner, as it was a very much not good day for most of my life) and was completely blanking on the question. (i have a lot of difficulty imagining things i've never done/experienced for some reason.) guess i'll keep on taking baby steps and hopefully figure this out better sometime

It's *very* common for Autistic people to have trouble imagining themselves doing something they have never done before. I once had a HUGE meltdown at the doorsteps of a haunted house because I had no idea what the floorplan would be, when actors would be jumping out at me, how long the experience would be, or anything else to expect. I NEVER went to half of the gay clubs in town until someone I was seeing finally brought me, and I finally learned what to expect of going to a bar on my own. I truly did not conceive that public spaces were "for me" just as much as they were for anyone else. I experienced most of the world as this shadowy, forbidden world that I could not understand and did not have permission to access until pretty recently, in the grand scheme of things. And I certainly felt immensely guilty having a birthday and DARING to want to do anything for it, especially not something everybody would like.

But there is a way out of this! One of the ways is to simply try new things - there is no true self inside of us with hidden true desires and habits that we can just magically find and unlock, rather the self is an active becoming, a process of trying new things that sound appealing or that we simply wish to learn more about, and potentially becoming the type of person that does them (or, conversely, learning something about ourselves in the process if we try something and find we do not like it).

If you cannot imagine yourself experiencing joy, happiness, belonging, you can probably at least be curious about something. This was how I became a furry: I was intrigued by the idea of Furfest, and so I went. I didn't consider myself a furry when I went. I didn't put any pressure on myself to enjoy it or to belong there. I considered myself something of an anthropologist studying a cool subset of human culture when I first attending in 2018. While I was there, I also decided that trying on some antlers in the dealer's den might be interesting. It turned out I liked it, and I grew closer with other people in that community too. Eventually through repeated adventures and trials it became a thing I enjoy. Most of my hobbies and passions have evolved similarly -- I wrote a short story because I was bored, and then years later I had lots of writer friends and a career, I attended a local comedy show because I had nothing to do, and then I tried out for one, and then I was in the comedy scene.

We are what we do, and that means that who we are can always change. It can always expand and deepen. If we cannot currently access much joy or genuine passion, we can find it -- by pursuing new things and taking an interest in life, in whatever ways we can. And of course, if you are Autistic, I do recommend doing research and googling about various spaces and subcultures and social mores in advance, so you know a little bit more of what to expect, which will help the concept of going to crystalize more in your mind. But there's nothing quite like trying it!

Let me know what you decide to try as a birthday adventure for yourself. Good luck!

[harvesti]

extended intro post:

daily workout (running/pilates/yoga): home workouts, because gyms make me nervous and a bit annoyed (too many people making too much noise!). I usually spend around 45 minutes-1 hour doing each of these, and I rarely do more than one per day, except when I mix my yoga routine to my pilates routine. I don't like to take full rest days so usually my rest days are just yoga days, and I leave my full rest days for occasions when I can't workout because of another commitment.

no refined/added sugar: made the decision to cut back on sugar by the end of 2023 because I started reading a lot about nutrition and realized that sugar is just not meant to be consumed the way we do, in this extremely processed, refined, concentrated form. it's addictive, harmful for our health, and it spoils our palate for other foods. not to mention that it is the biggest villain when it comes to weight gain. I meant to just cut back a bit when I made the decision but since around April 2024 I just cut it off completely.

no highly processed food: another huge villain when it comes to health and weight, full of toxic additives that we don't even understand, addictive, and a big enabler of laziness. I only eat food that I can recognize as food and understand what's in it, so almost nothing that comes in an aluminium foil packet makes it to my shopping cart.

no red meat: I was actually vegan for 2 and a half years but eventually went back to eating dairy and eggs, and I'll eat the occasional chicken and fish, although so rarely that I think I could consider myself a vegetarian. but even when I went back on my dietary choices, I couldn't stomach red meat anymore. most people don't even know how to cook it properly anyway, I hate handling it on my own, and it just makes me feel heavy, both physically as well as spiritually.

no soda: this came naturally as I decided to stop eating highly processed foods, but I used to be the Diet Coke Girl™ all my life, and I thought it was cool since it had no sugar. imagine my surprise when I found out that artificial sweeteners such as the one in diet Coke actually make you crave sugar and leads to binges. not to mention, soda makes me totally bloated.

no overeating: that's a no-brainer, but it was the hardest part of my journey! I love eating, y'all, and my brain was always like, I rather feast and indulge than feel like I'm going to miss out. it took me a long time to find a balance and being able to just enjoy a meal without feeling like I need to ravage a huge plate to feel like I truly enjoyed it. cooking 100% of my own food helped a lot with that.

no alcohol: quit on May 2024, after I realized I was using alcohol as a way to distract myself and ease anxiety when it occured. I was also feeling my limit getting weaker, so I had to drink a lot more to get tipsy, but when I got tipsy, I got sick almost immediately. it stopped being fun, and it felt more like a hassle than something that could give me pleasure. now that I'm completely sober, I realize drinking alcohol is kind of... terrible. it was a great decision, even if I did it sort of by accident really.

low caffeine (coffee only in the morning, green tea all day): I used to drink 4-5 cups of very strong black coffee throughout the day and, of course, I had major anxiety to the point of trembling, getting migraines and becoming paranoid. I started lowering my intake first to deal with this aspect, but later I found out that caffeine also leads to cravings and binging exactly because it accelerates the body and the mind so much! now I only have it after I wake up and sometimes in the afternoon, if I'm really sleepy when I can't really be sleepy. I still have a lot of tea because I love a hot beverage, and green tea actually calms me down a lot, even if it does have caffeine as well. I take mine with ginger and a splash of lemon juice.

lots of greens, lots of whole foods, lots of water, lots of fruits, lots of sun: another no-brainer! my favorites are broccoli, kale, leeks, chickpeas, zucchini, cherry tomatoes (which I grow myself), mushrooms, grapes, plums, pineapple, bananas, coconut and melon.

i.f. 16:8: I feel like it's absolutely necessary to give my body time to deal with itself without the "burden" of digestion. everything that happens in the body is a trade-off, so if my body is constantly dealing with food, it can't pay attention to other important processes. not to mention that, intermittent fasting takes my mind off food for a while, helps me plan ahead my meals better, makes me focus on nutritive choices instead of ones that are just yummy... and I enjoy eating when I'm actually hungry!

takeouts/eating out out on special occasions; same with dessert: it may seem like a restriction, but it's something I decided to kind of recover a sense of hacing these things be special again. once I started to make my own money and become independent, I started to indulge a lot on these things because when I was a kid they were so rare and exciting, so I was always eating out at my fav restaurants and always having something sweet around, until it just became a bad habit. now, keeping these things safe for special days makes them special too instead of just feeling like a boring indulgence. (I still try to get desserts that are sugar-free or very small on sugar though.) my fav food to eat out is sushi!

daily reading, at least 3 hours: as a real Classic Millennial, I used to be a huge reader when I was a kid, but as social media became a thing in my life, I lost the habit completely. the pandemic made me realize I needed to go back to books and delete Twitter, basically, which was my biggest distraction, and I've immediately reconnected with my old self and started to read like 50 books every year since. my fav genres are romance and non-fiction about nutrition and botany!

no complaining, no gossiping: it's a big part of my mental health to be grateful and to focus on myself. it may seem small, but it completely changed my perspective on day-to-day life once I set the rules to not complain and not gossip. actually, I don't engage with anything that doesn't concern me directly, doesn't benefit me directly, and is out of my control. life is chill like that.

no dwelling on the past: burned my childhood diaries, cut ties with past relationships that were just hanging around me because of the size of our history, let go of constantly reminiscing and trying to run scenarios and dialogues in my head. I only deal with the day and the week I have ahead, and that's what exists in my reality. no past, no distant future. two feet on the ground.

skin and hair care every evening: I've been genetically blessed with poreless skin and thick hair, but I still have to care for my skin because it tends to dry heavily, and caring for long, thick hair is a must, otherwise it tangles within hours. my skin care is a mix of high hydration, careful nutrition, and The Body Shop's aloe vera night cream for my face, and my hair care is washing it every 3 days (2 days in the summer), keeping it in a hydrating mask, blow drying it, coconut-oiling it, and keeping it in braids whenever I can, especially when sleeping.

silence = gold: I focus immensely on being observant, being a listener, being non-reactive. I think spending long periods of time not speaking, not watching anything, no music, just listening to nature (especially in the mornings) is of utmost importance to a healthy mental and spiritual state. "speech is silver, silence is gold" is one of my life's mottos!

(thanks for reading all of this!)

[spicywhenspeaking]

If I'm There: Chapter Twenty-Three

read from part one here!

summary: Noah and Natalie met in high school and developed a relationship through their love of music and art. Falling in love, innocent and young, they think nothing can keep them apart. However, sometimes in the pursuit of your dreams the things we love the most get left behind.

this is a complete work of fiction, some characters while based on real people are totally made up. :)

Taglist: @lma1986 @cookiesupplier @notingridslurkaccount @blackveilomens @thisbicc @laurpartyprogram @concretenoah @thebadchic @jessitpwk@madomens @samanthasgone @myownthoughts12@missduffsblog @jilliemiw86 @malerieee @hi-fancy-seeing-you-here @badomensls @robabankfuckmickeymouse

“Things are pretty normal given the situation. Noah has called a lot since he left and talks with Erin for almost an hour on the phone each time. We talked for a little bit but honestly, my feelings for Noah are getting so cluttered it’s hard to talk to him for too long” 

“When you say cluttered what do you mean exactly” 

“It’s just hard talking on the phone, you know, with everything. We saw each other for the first time in ten years and then I shook his whole world telling him he’s a father and I just wish I knew what he was thinking. We didn’t have enough time to talk about it all. He met Erin and it was great but I just…I feel like a failure of a mother for depriving her of him for so long and I don’t know how to express to him that I’m sorry. And honestly, I’ve never let myself get fully over him, I just feel like there’s always been a piece of me that has loved him, maybe just from what I see in Erin.” 

Dr. Grady is quiet for a few moments while she thinks and takes in my words. 

“I cannot speak for Noah, but I believe forgiving yourself for the past is important and a necessary step in your healing. You’ve already mentioned that there’s nothing you can do to change what has happened and it seems like you’re focused on helping Erin navigate this situation. As for your feelings about Noah, there is nothing I can tell you, that is a completely personal journey that you will have to take.” I sink lower into the sofa in Dr. Grady’s office and try to unjumble my thoughts, but those surrounding Noah will take time to fully unpack. 

“And on top of all of it, my brother just got to town last night and I swear if you had told me ten years ago I would say I was jealous of Kyle's emotional maturity I would have pissed myself laughing.” As I tell Dr. Grady more, I recall my conversation with Kyle last night after Erin went down for bed. 

“So, she met Noah huh? And she seems pretty happy about the whole situation so I’m guessing it went well?” Kyle asked cautiously. “Yeah, it went better than I expected. He was great with her, asked her questions about what she likes, talked to her about music and his life. He’s called her every other day since he left and they talk for hours.” I tell him as I pour the two of us a cup of hot tea. 

“How do you feel about all of this?” He asks while blowing the steam off the cooling cup of tea in his hands. 

“When I myself understand my feelings I’ll let you know.” I let out a pathetic laugh, “I’m happy for Erin, she’s happy and that’s what’s important. I’m trying not to think too much about all of the "what ifs you know? I told myself that I wasn’t going to let my feelings mess this up for her. She deserves a relationship with her father” I tell him honestly and then because I’m unable to stop it the word vomit spews out of me. “But I can’t help thinking what if I had told him ten years ago, would we have gotten back together? Would I have ever known truly if it was for me or just because I got pregnant, I mean how would you feel missing Natasha’s birth, her first steps and her first words?”

He takes a sip of tea and sits up straighter in the kitchen chair. “I think I would be upset at first, which you said he was but Nat, you’ll drive yourself crazy if you keep thinking about all of these hypothetical scenarios.”

“But like would you be able to forgive Maggie? Would you still haven’t wanted to marry her?” 

A look of complete understanding washes across his face, “Nat, why do you insist you deserve to be hated for this? Why can’t you accept that he’s forgiven you and move forward? You forgave him for leaving all of those years ago. You’ve forgiven me for all the terrible things I’ve done, forgiven Dad too. You forgave Mom before she died. You believe everyone is worthy of forgiveness but you, why?” 

“You believe everyone is worthy of forgiveness but you…that’s what he said. It sent me for a loop. It’s true. I’ll allow everyone to be flawed and make mistakes but when it comes to myself I wonder how I haven’t been dropped by every person in my life” I explain the conversation to Dr. Grady and wait for her response as I sit up and prepare for the end of our session.

“It’s common for people with anxiety to suffer from severe self-criticism. I’m going to send you a few readings I’d like you to look over before our next session and we can discuss it more since we are almost out of time.” She clears her throat and straightens up the papers in her hand. “It’s a very good question your brother asked. I think you should think about that one, why do you think everyone else is worthy of forgiveness but you? Because you are Natalie, you are worthy of forgiveness and you need to start by forgiving yourself.”

I quietly thank Dr. Grady for our session and leave once our time is finished. 

She’s right and so is Kyle. I constantly forgive everyone all the time but never allow myself the grace of forgiveness.

Erin is happy, Noah is happy and it’s about damn time I let myself be happy too. 

It’s around 4pm when I return home from therapy and my grocery store run. I got all of the essentials for a fun backyard fire pit dinner. We’re roasting hotdogs and then s’mores for desserts later. 

When I get into the house I hear laughter and music filtering in through the kitchen, I walk through and notice the sound is coming from the backyard where Maggie and Kyle have set up the waterslide for the girls. 

“Uncle Ky! Go go!!!” I hear Erin bellow as I see my brother fling himself down and slide all the way to the end of the slide. 

“Oh hey, Natty!” Kyle calls, standing and shaking the water out of his hair. “How was your appointment?” He asks softly. 

“It was good! Yeah, I feel good, thank you for talking to me about it last night, it was really helpful Ky.” 

“Of course sis! What are twins for?” he says and then wraps his arms around me wiping water all over my dry clothes. “Kyle! Ugh!” I call out and push him off of me while he lets out a full bellied laugh. 

A few hours later we are sitting, dry,  around the warm fire. Kyle and Maggie are staying at a hotel but when Natasha started to get sleepy we put her in Erin’s bed until they left for the night. 

I’m helping Erin roast a marshmallow when Maggie comes into my view, handing me a glass of wine. “I think it’s time for that girl-talk I was promised” she giggles and turns to Haylie who’s sitting and roasting her own s’more, “and I mean you as well girl, I wanna hear about this new book. You gotta tell me if they’ll end up together in the end please” 

Haylie laughs and zips her lips, “hey I’m spoiler-free over here.” 

Handing Erin her assembled s’more she thanks me and takes a huge bite causing marshmallows to overflow out the side and drip down her chin. I laugh and wipe it before it hits the floor. 

Kyle stands to leave us to girl-talk and gestures towards Erin, “Come on sweety, let’s go watch a movie while your mom has her lady talk, it’ll be boring” 

Erin giggles into her s’more “They just want to talk about Noah and how mom used to like him and now they’re both weird” she states while tossing a strand of hair over her shoulder and I can’t help the laugh that bubbles out of me, “yeah, sorry for being weird kiddo. I’m working on it.”

“Aren’t you observant?” Kyle says to Erin steering her towards the back door. 

The three of us giggle at the way Erin was able to perfectly sum up the situation, “She sees everything I swear and she’s too smart.” I comment under my breath as I take a small sip of the wine Maggie brought me.

“What’s going on in that head of yours Natty,” Maggie asks and her face is nothing but compassionate. “Too much Mags, too much.” I take another long sip of wine and look into the slowly dimming fire. “I am so unbelievably happy to see Erin happy..”

“I’m sensing a but coming,” Haylie chirps from her chair on the other side of me. 

“But.” I say, giving her a pointed look, “but I am just still navigating my own feelings about all of this, so I’m just a little scatterbrained.” I admit.

“Do you think it’s possible Noah could still have feelings for you?” Maggie asks and I shoot up in my chair, surprised by her question. 

“Oh god no, I was just talking to my therapist about how shocked I am that he can even stand being around me,” I say and Haylie busts out laughing. 

“Oh my god, are you blind? Dude the way he was looking at you not only the literal day you told him about her but the day he came over and was here for like eight hours, for Erin of course but Natty, there is no doubt he was also here for you.” Haylie says with a matter-of-fact tone and my eyes roll back so far I think they might never come back. “Oh please, there is no way Noah has feelings for me, It’s been ten years and at this point, we are just trying to navigate this co-parenting thing.” 

That gets a laugh out of not only Haylie but Maggie as well, “you’re either blind, stupid or both if you don’t think that guy is and always has been in love with you, knowing he now shares a child with you is only going to cause him to further attempt to submit himself as the only man in your life,” Maggie says but I shake my head in disagreement, I just don’t think that is in the cards for Noah and me anymore no matter how easily I lose myself in his eyes, or how I secretly listen to his music and have always known he was the most talented person in the world. 

“Whatever our feelings for each other may be, Noah and I have agreed that the most important thing is Erin’s happiness. I’m not going to risk that so I just need everyone to respect that.” I say with more firmness in my voice than intended. Maggie looks at me with a quiet understanding, “I will support you either way. I’m always on your side.” she says. Haylie nods in agreement “Me too.” 

We spend another hour outside finishing our wine before heading back inside to see Kyle and his family off for the night. Erin heads up for bed soon after and I do a final sweep of the kitchen before heading up to bed myself.

As I’m laying my head down my phone rings lightly and I hesitate slightly before answering. 

Hey Noah, is everything okay? Sorry but Erin is already asleep if you wanted to talk. 

Hey, yeah everything is okay. I figured she’d be asleep, I was hoping to talk to you actually. If thats okay?

Oh, um yeah, we can talk. Whats up?

Are we okay Natty? 

I freeze. What does that even mean? Are we okay?

Um. yeah? Why wouldn’t we be okay? 

I just feel like…I don’t know how to say this. I’ve been trying Natty but when I talk to you on the phone it’s like you can’t get off fast enough.

What do you mean? I just figured you wanted to talk to Erin so you could get to know her more. 

I mean, of course want to talk to Erin, but Natty I want to talk to you as well.

It’s been ten years and I meant what I said about wanting to be in your lives. 

You want to talk to me? About what? 

He laughs and the warmth of it climbs into my heart and makes a nest. 

I want to know about your life, I want to meet the Natalie that you’ve become and I want to try and make up for all this time I’ve lost.

Oh. I’m - well I’m sorry if I was short with you on the phone. Honestly, all of this has been a big change for us all.

I haven’t been good about dealing with this, obviously. 

Yes, It was a big change but I want you to know that I don’t want you to feel like you have to do this alone anymore. I truly do intend to be there. For both of you.

That’s co-parenting right? We’re in this together now. 

Yeah. Together. I like the sound of that. 

I can’t help the blush that spreads across my cheeks and down my neck, I know he meant together as parents but for a moment I allow myself to believe we could be the happy family I’ve always dreamed of. 

I know it’s late so I can let you go if you’re getting ready for bed-

No, no, I can talk. Unless you’re tired.

No, we just got off the stage and I’m to amped up to sleep yet.

So Natty, tell me about your life. 

We talk on the phone for hours. About the last ten years, I told him about life with Erin and we reminisced about life when we were young. I don’t remember hanging up, but I guess I fell asleep sometime while we were talking because when I woke up there was an unread text on my phone.

Noah S : goodnight :) I have missed talking to you these last ten years Natty. It is good to be back in your world. 4:13 am

I walk down the stairs with a spring in my step and I feel lighter than I have since this all began. I know we will all be okay and I can finally say that Noah and I are friends again after all of this time.

The rest of the week with my brother and Maggie is so much fun. We spend time at the park, go to museums and even a minor league baseball game. When they leave at the end of the week I give Kyle a big hug. "Thanks for everything Ky, I love you bro."

"I love you too sis, you're an amazing person. don't ever forget that."

Noah and I start texting more frequently in-between our phone calls and I find myself smiling and laughing more at my phone than I have in years.

In a week Noah will be back and Erin is so excited.

I won't lie, I'm pretty excited as well.

next chapter

[fitgirlfemdom]

The story you made about the pathetic NEET gooner who let himself go is literally me.

It did start small. I was coming off of a high in regards to everything, super promising schooling and I made it into a fairly prestigious lab in college where I still work. But from freshman to senior year, while my schoolwork has been fine, I’ve pretty much watched myself fall from extremely sociable, charming all the way to monstrous fatty sneaking out of my dorm room (which is more of a league of legends/weed/feedist porn dungeon) to pick up my 3rd ubereats of the night while girls look at me judgingly.

And literally the best part is that I glance back up at them, wearing my oversized sweater that’s getting tighter and tighter, and I can’t help but feel so good. It’s amazing when I get into the elevator with rowdy college girls and all they have to make conversation with me is the fact that I’m holding a bag that obviously contains a shit ton of fast food.

I have, seldomly, gotten into the elevator at my dorm with fat girls who appear to be in my boat with regards to overeating ubereats. When that happens, it’s like two people who desperately want out but understand that each other poses no harm in judgment.

In this way, I’ve gained around 90 pounds in 3 years (most of it was in 1 year, so I could easily push it to 150 pounds overall), making me 5’6, 220 pounds.

I have also dabbled in the whole cock rating fetish. I once requested a rating from a super muscular Onlyfans acc where I gave a before pic (for physique) and an after pic.. The next few nights, I downed so much heavy cream and melted ice cream that I had to call off work.

I love the Berserk theme btw. Farnese is by far my fav character.

Oh yeah I love Farnese too! Such a great personality :D

I also wouldn't consider you a NEET, judging by how you're literally in college and that cancels out the first two letters. I see a lot of people, especially on tiktok and twitter, conflating "NEET" with "terminally online nerd." For fetish purposes, though, they look the same, and smell the same, so I guess I can let it slide.

a little bit of rambling:

I think the reason I'm so attracted to fat degenerate nerd losers is not just because they're a lot easier to please, but they also know exactly what they want and where they stand. It's the same with girls--I'm much more interested in chubby, awkward, dyed-hair nerd girls than the girls that called me a bulldyke in high school.

"High-value" men and women in my age group (or whatever they like calling themselves) have no interests beyond vague terms like "traveling" or "doggos" or whatever else I've seen on Hinge. The women are also extremely hesitant about actually getting with women (bicurious) while the men just expect you to worship the ground they walk on, for no reason. I dated a 4.0 gpa gymbro and it was exhausting how insecure, manipulative, and immature he was. no self-awareness at all, just pure narcissism. It's incredibly self-deprecating to worship someone that doesn't impress you.

I've also dated a chubby nerd, and while he wasn't a very good boyfriend, he knew what he liked, and he worshipped me in the bedroom. Our sex life was the reason I stayed.

This is all to say, yeah, those girls are going to be judging you and thinking they'd rather swallow glass than kiss you. they won't be happy, though, with their physically active partners. bodies truly do not represent how good someone can fuck, or love, really. i know this is all a fetish, and it IS hot to have a food-waste-filled goon cave, but outside of all this, you will be loved, and you seem really cool. even tho casca is better.

[zhonks]

- Valse sentimentale - Fyodor D. x ballerina!fem!reader

When Fyodor meets a charming girl who asks him to play cello for her

Words : 1414

Warning : none

Tags : fluff ? She/her!reader Falling in love/ love at first sight, cringe and cliché, Mentioned Nikolai, tried to make it romantic. Maybe a little bit OOC.

A/N: There will probably be some mistakes in this fic I apologize! English isn’t my first language 🩷

*･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･ ･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*

Fyodor wasn’t the type interested in romantic relationships, that was before he met her, in a music shop. He was searching for a recording of his favorite Tchaikovsky songs when his shoulder bumped into hers, causing him to drop the CD he was holding. She apologized immediately, worried she could have hurt him.

“- Oh ! I’m so sorry ! Are you okay ? Wait let me get that for you!”

Before he could even respond she was kneeling to fetch all of the fallen CDs.

“- No need to apologize dear, I should’ve been more careful” he lowered his head, bowing a bit as to excuse himself.

She handed him the CDs, allowing Fyodor to see what music she had purchased, he smiled :

“-Tchaikovsky, huh ? Good taste”

She glanced at his pick,

“-So you’re also a fan ?” She laughed.

“-I guess you could say that” he retrieved the CDs from her hands.

The girl felt a chill go up her spine as her hand brushed his, of course, he noticed she tensed up at his touch.

“-I actually really enjoy playing the cello myself, Tchaikovsky’s works are definitely my favorite to play. Just the way his pieces move and speak to your emotions is just incredible.” He continued.

“-Ah really ? That’s awesome ! For how long have you been playing ?” She asked excitedly.

“-A really long time, he said with a breathy laugh, perhaps over 10 years now.

-10 years ? Wow that’s so so so amazing ! I’m sorry I’m just really happy to meet someone who enjoys cello as much as I do!

-Do you play yourself ? He asked curiously

-No, hahaha, actually I’m a ballerina” the girl smiled.

“-you know what ? Maybe we should do something together someday!” She continued.

Fyodor’s eyebrows rose, his interest was picked.

“-Dancing with a beautiful ballerina is something I would definitely be a fan of,

he said with a grin, it seemed he really enjoyed the idea of that,

Do you perform at dance shows? I’d definitely love to come and see you dance.”

She looked away in embarrassment, slightly blushing from his words :

“-I’m not, I’m more of a solo type of dancer… Sorry if this sounds weird, I was thinking about maybe just meeting up.. the two of us ?”

He could tell by her flushed face that she was clearly flustered, this made his heart flutter with joy. The idea of a pretty girl like her dancing for him made him so happy. It was almost too good to be true. He just couldn't help himself, he was truly in love with this idea, even if he indeed thought she was a bit naive, asking such a thing to a complete stranger. Luckily for her, he had no ill intentions.

“-Yes, please. I would absolutely love that.”

“-Cool ! I’m so happy ! I’ll let you know when I’m ready is that okay with you!”

she said fidgeting with her skirt

“-Yes, that is more than okay with me. I will be waiting, just let me know when you are ready.”

he said in a warm and understanding tone.

The two of them exchanged numbers before parting ways.

Fyodor’s heart felt strangely light the days following their encounter. That was so out of character that Nikolai noticed immediately during the decay of angels’ usual meetings.

“-Dostoy, you seem out of it these days ? Did something happen” the clown asked, leaning over the table.

His chin resting in his hands, he answered blankly:

“-No, nothing. Let’s focus on the meeting shall we”

Of course he was lying. She asked him to meet just after the meeting and his usual icy heart felt like it was slowly melting from the inside every time she came in his mind. Everything about her, her bubbly and charming personality, her beautiful hair swaying in the wind, her eyes sparkling when she smiled. She was just oh so lovely, he couldn’t believe he was feeling this way towards another human being. She must’ve been an angel, sent for him down on this filthy earth and he was the only person who could protect her from the disgusting corruption of this world. The meeting came to an end, Fyodor adjusted his coat on his shoulders and politely excused himself. Leaving Nikolai even more suspicious, as Fyodor usually wasn’t the first person to leave.

They had agreed to meet in an abandoned church near the music shop where they met. When he arrived, the girl was already waiting at the door, typing nervously on her phone.

“-Hi there my dear [name]” he smiled

“-Fyodor ! Hi !” She greeted back.

She was holding a bag in which he assumed was her point shoes. She had black tights under black shorts, her top was a sleeveless black leotard.

She was really fearless, such a pretty girl meeting a stranger in this part of town during night. He admired her boldness but worried about what could’ve happened to her if she came to someone else instead of him a few days prior.

Once inside, she took a few minutes to warm up and get her point shoes on, when she came back to Fyodor, he was waiting sat on a chair with the cello he had previously been carrying on his back resting between his legs.

The moment she came back into the room he could feel his heart racing in his chest from the pure infatuation he felt for her at that moment. She was so stunning and beautiful, she left him speechless. Fyodor was hypnotized by her, He couldn't quite describe it; even if he were to try. She was definitely an angel.

She was playing nervously with her hair ;

“-So what song should we do ?” She asked.

Fyodor got the impression that she was more than a little flustered at the moment, he could tell from the look she gave him.

“-How about... you pick?”

He said in a warm voice, looking her in the eyes as he smiled lovingly. Her blush was so beautiful, he found himself so enamored by her beauty. Just looking at her left him in awe. He didn't know what she chose, but he was excited to see her dance to any music. She took a minute to think, then her eyes glowed as she answered with a lovely smile :

“-Do you know Valse sentimentale ?”

Fyodor chuckled softly :

“-Yes I do, it is one of my favorite songs to play.”

“-Awesome !” She responded happily.

As she got in position, he warmed up a bit, sliding the bow delicately on the chords. The church’s high ceiling made its sound resonate beautifully in the building.

When they were both ready, they looked at each other. Fyodor counted :

“-3, 4..”

He began to play the song. His soft fingers danced across the strings and his bow flowed gently across the chords of the cello as he played beautifully. Fyodor was just so immersed in the music and how the ballerina in front of him accompanied the notes, she was uniting with the melody, her movements were mesmerizing. The piece he was playing was just so beautiful, almost as much as her. In this moment, everything felt so perfect, the way both of them were so lost in the music, the sight of her dancing, the sound of the cello, it all just was truly beautiful.

The music ended, she looked up at him with a smile. They stared at each other for a bit before she adverted her eyes.

“-That was truly beautiful, I mean it” he complimented. Her cheeks heated up at his kind words.

“-Your music also is, it’s unbelievable how good you make it sound”

The whole situation was truly magical.

“-You are like a flower, so beautiful and elegant. There aren't enough words to describe your beauty. Your mere touch is enough to make my whole soul feel alive my dear” Fyodor smiled lovingly, as he took her hand in his, causing her brain to disconnect, she felt like she was going to explode.

“-So that’s what you were thinking about during the meeting Dostoy, why didn’t you tell me it was all about this cutie right here” a teasing voice echoed on the rock walls of the silent church.

They turned their heads towards the origins of that voice. A certain white haired clown grinned at the two of them from across the room.

[novelmonger]

Sorry, i know this is a bit random, but i recall you wrote ages ago that Carol Berg helped you get over disowning Robin Hobb as your favourite author (did i get that right?), and being familiar with both authors myself, I couldn't help but wonder what’s the story there? :) (just discard this if it's something very personal)

Ohhh, impressive memory! Yeah, I don't mind sharing, if you'll forgive me for being a little dramatic about the matter...and long-winded ^^'

(To be clear, the only Robin Hobb books I've read are the Farseer Trilogy, Fool's Errand, and The Golden Fool. The only Carol Berg books I've read so far are The Spirit Lens and The Soul Mirror.)

I was first introduced to Robin Hobb when my brother gave me the Farseer Trilogy when he went off to college, a year before I did the same. That was a very weird and stressful in-between sort of year, one where I really needed some other world to escape to, so I utterly devoured that trilogy.

Assassin's Apprentice, especially, really grabbed my imagination (and is the one book of hers I still have on my shelf). In many ways, it's the kind of story I hope to be able to write one day. It's high fantasy, with magic and kings and queens (and eventually dragons, but not in that particular book), but it feels very grounded. It doesn't brush aside some of the more sordid aspects of medieval life, while not making everything feel grungy and ugly like some grimdark stories I could name. There is ugliness, but there is also beauty - in realistic measures that makes the world feel like one that actually exists somewhere.

I also loved how deeply emotional Robin Hobb's writing was. I immediately felt like I was living under Fitz's skin, feeling things as he felt them. It's not rare for me to cry when reading a good book, but there were several scenes where it really struck me hard and I just sobbed my heart out. (I'm particularly thinking of the last scenes with Smithy and Nighteyes, as well as Fitz saying goodbye to Burrich in...I think that was the third book?) A lot of fantasy in general, and especially the books I'd been reading around that time, were much more plot-focused, so even when the worlds were cool and the plot was engaging, I wouldn't get hit with emotion that strongly. Robin Hobb really stood out in that regard, because while her stories have intricate plots, they're also intimately characterized. I don't think there was a single character in that series who felt flat.

Besides that, Fitz is a very sympathetic character, especially in the first book when he's just a kid who doesn't fully understand what's going on - and I've always had a thing for lonely little boys. And then there's his animal companions! Nosey! Smithy! Nighteyes! (Oh my word, Nighteyes alk;djfsdlkjf) And I also really liked a lot of the human secondary characters, especially Burrich, Kettricken, and Verity.

But more than anyone else, my favorite character, at least from the second book onward, was the Fool. He was so kooky and weird, so mysterious, so multi-faceted. One minute he seems almost half-witted, the next he rattles off something truly wise. And certainly by the end of the Farseer Trilogy, I adored the way his relationship was unfolding with Fitz. It seemed like everything I've always wanted and so rarely seem to find: two men who trust each other with their lives, who would die for each other, who aren't afraid of telling each other that they love each other, without even a question of romance.

Well. If you've read the Tawny Man trilogy, you might be able to guess some of where this is going.

I think my main problem was identifying too closely with the writing. I didn't just say, "Robin Hobb is my favorite author!" or "Robin Hobb is my writing role model!" It was like...because I recognized multiple very important things in her writing that I also wanted to achieve in my own writing, I went beyond simply trying to learn from a master and skipping ahead to assuming that she would craft her stories the same way I would in ten, twenty, thirty years. Like the only difference between us was time and experience, like we had the same values and the same ideas about characters and stories.

(To draw a contrast, I would now say that my primary writing role model is Brandon Sanderson. I really admire his worldbuilding and the way he crafts compelling plots and interesting magic systems but also does really well with making characters interesting and realistic, so I can enjoy a breathtaking plot and also sob my heart out in the emotional scenes. And I also really like the way he writes romances. But while I know there's lots I can learn from him, we write very different stories. I don't really have any aspirations to write epic fantasy with huge, sprawling casts and intricate magic systems. I'm much more interested in smaller, standalone stories that focus on just a few characters who might not even be saving the world. So it's much easier to read his books and go, "Wow, that was awesome! I have so much to learn from him! But I would never have written XYZ that way.")

Looking back, I can see a lot of red flags that should have jolted me out of this weird way I was reading Robin Hobb, things that should have clued me in much earlier that it wasn't just that Robin Hobb is a much better writer with ages more experience than me, it's also that we have very different ideas of how to handle a story and its characters. If I'd noticed sooner, maybe I would have been able to just enjoy her books for what they are instead of imagining that they were something else and then getting sucker-punched when I couldn't deny the truth any longer.

One indicator was Robin Hobb's stance on fanfiction. She took her rant down from her website, so I suppose it could be that her opinion of fanfiction has changed, but she's still on the forbidden list on FFNet, for whatever that's worth. Anyway, my point is simply that anyone who ever felt that strongly against fanfiction is clearly not someone who sees eye to eye with me on everything XD

Another interesting point is how, now that I've put several years between me and these books, I see how kind of...excessive Robin Hobb could be with all the horrible things that happen to her protagonist? Don't get me wrong, I love angst and whump probably more than I should, and it made for some really dramatic and nail-biting plots because it was clear that she wouldn't balk at going so far as to permanently maim Fitz if she thought the story called for it. Worse than that, she kept on tearing away everyone he loved in one way or another. There is so much pain and darkness in these books, and Fitz always seems to come out the worse for it, despite all of his efforts. If I'd been writing the stories, I would have given him a bit more of a break here and there ^^'

More to the point, though, is the way Robin Hobb handles romance. I knew from the second book (when Fitz is actually old enough to have romantic entanglements) that I did not care for her romances whatsoever. I don't think there was a single romance in any of the books I read of hers that I whole-heartedly liked without any reservations. (Kettricken and Verity came closest, but we hardly even see them together, and then there's that whole thing with Fitz....) Content-wise, they're not the most graphic scenes I've flipped past read, but the way Fitz never fails to make the absolute worst choices when it comes to romance, and the way he never fully commits to any of his romantic partners...like, I get it (at least sometimes), but I don't respect it.

Normally, I wouldn't keep going with an author who puts so much sexual content into her stories, even if it's not usually described in much detail. I would have gotten fed up with Fitz's dumb romances...but I really liked everything else about the books, so I persevered. Even if Robin Hobb's romances were crap, at least she was doing a really good job at making me care about all the other relationships. At least she was doing something I'd so rarely seen, with Fitz and the Fool's close friendship. There was no drama there. No dumb misunderstandings or stupid choices.

Until there was.

When I got to a certain scene in The Golden Fool, where rumors abound about the Fool's sexuality and Fitz finally confronts him (for the second time) and is like, "There's nothing romantic going on between us, right???" I was crushed by the Fool's response. I was waiting for another scene kind of like the one in...Assassin's Quest, I think it was, where he asks a similar question and the Fool's answer is basically, "Why does it matter? I love you, that's all." Instead of that, the Fool's response leads Fitz to understand that the Fool is in love with him (I don't have the book anymore, but I seem to remember the line going something like, "I love you in every way possible."), and he handles it as well as Fitz ever does, which is to say, terribly.

That was the moment where everything came crashing down. I don't know, maybe no one will really understand why that was such a big deal to me, but it was like all of a sudden I couldn't fool myself anymore, and I saw that Robin Hobb was taking the relationship in a direction I never wanted it to go. I wanted it to be the one uncomplicated relationship Fitz still had. I wanted it to go without saying that they loved each other, but not romantically. In that moment, I realized I didn't care what the answer to the mysterious things about the Fool's identity was. I didn't care if the resolution of it all ended up being that the Fool was a woman after all, or that he's some kind of androgynous or hermaphrodite creature, or that he ended up being a dragon or a fairy or anything else. I didn't care what the answer was, because I didn't want them to ask the question in the first place.

It was the weirdest feeling. Like...usually, if I make it past a certain point in a book, nothing short of a graphic sex scene or something truly horrible will make me stop reading it, even if I'm bored and don't care anymore. I usually at least want to see how things end. But when I got to that scene of this series I was deeply invested in, that had made me cry and smile so many times...all of a sudden, I didn't care at all. I didn't care if everybody died horrible deaths. Because the magic was shattered, and suddenly I was looking at letters printed on a page that I didn't much care for, rather than a vibrant world passing before my eyes.

So I kept Assassin's Apprentice, because I still think Robin Hobb is an excellent writer, and that's the one book in the series that doesn't have any romance for Fitz to screw up. But I sold all the other books, and have never felt even the slightest urge to read any more of her writing.

At long last, this is the part where Carol Berg comes in! I don't remember how long it had been since I disowned Robin Hobb as my favorite fantasy author, but at one point I picked up The Spirit Lens. I don't know if you'll agree with me or not, but I noticed a lot of similarities to Robin Hobb's stories. The way Portier hides in plain sight but is the one who really gets things done in the kingdom. The way the fantasy is magical and interesting, but still very grounded, paying attention to things like the workings of the court and such. The exquisitely horrible torture Portier suffers.

But most of all, my favorite character, Ilario de Sylvae! 8D The second he came on the page, I sat up straight, feeling like I'd just heard a familiar voice. Not necessarily because of his actual voice, but his character is so reminiscent of the Fool! Pretending to be a foppish rich boy who faints on couches at the sight of blood, only to reveal he's actually very serious, very skilled, and has a heart of gold. He comes through for his friends in the nick of time. He cares deeply for Portier, especially, but there's not a hint of romance between them. (At least, not in the two books I've read. I picked up on what might be some hints as to his sexuality, or at least the hints of questions, so if that becomes a thing in the third book, I guess I'm wrong about this. But so far I don't see any of that between him and Portier.)

So it's really interesting, because I was so enamored with Robin Hobb's stories, just blown away by the sheer emotion, but while I've enjoyed Carol Berg so far, I wouldn't say she's in my top five or anything. I think she's an excellent author and I really do love her characters, but I don't think they've made me cry so far. And yet, reading The Spirit Lens kind of healed the wound left by The Golden Fool. I'm not expecting Carol Berg to write the story exactly the way I would - in fact, I don't think I would ever get to the point of writing that particular story! - but that frees me to just enjoy a good story well told. And I can see echoes of Fitz and the Fool in Portier and Ilario, without any of the qualities that aggravated me so much. Like I can finally get the resolution I didn't realize I still needed.

Anyway, that's my story! Hopefully I didn't bore you to tears! I'd love to hear your thoughts on the two authors.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hello! I've been following you for a while and you've given really good insights about types (I was quite blown by the way you've been able to read into INFJ's shame and what not. It was really cool to read.)

Anyway, I am an ENTP and recently I've realized that my sense of empathy is rather odd…I am able to understand others, I can predict how certain things may affect others emotionally within logic, however my sense of empathy never truly reaches me. I know it sounds a little weird, but truly I find so hard to be moved by things that often move others, or to care beyond the basic courtesy. I can understand how and why someone feels in x way, however said empathy often comes from logic more than actually feeling in the shoes of others.

At the same time, I take my sweet time when it comes to understand my own feelings. Like, I can experience something that leaves me feeling weird and take a whole day, nap included, just to realize I'm kinda angry or sad or surprised. This inability to guide myself through my own feelings or even experience what others experience has caused me some troubles through the years, because of course, despite being able to read others, one is bound to fail or misunderstand at some point.

From running my mouth, having bad timing, to doing hurtful stuff that in my view were not hurtful at that moment (because I somehow reached the wrong conclusion in my attempt for empathy) I often find myself a little on the sideway when it comes to feelings of vulnerability, to the point I even end up pushing myself through stuff that makes me uncomfortable after I failed to understand I was weirded out on time; or even the opposite when I end up stating that I am really angry just to realize I didn't even cared that much.

The fact that I am a woman and people tend to expect women to be more sympathetic doesn't help either, so it's not rare for a group of people who knows me superficially to think that I am too reactionary/intimidating/out of reach/aggresive/harsh when in fact most of the time I'm trying to be friendly and outspoken, all while my inner circle define me as very lighthearted and even motherly. And, keep in mind, I am actually very adjusted socially, quite functional. I'm the type of person who will push through depression and very bad scenarios out of will which has been incredibly useful in dark times, but again I wonder if it was less will and more me not being vulnerable at all.

So, do you think this is some kind of failing in my Fe? Is this something that happens often to ENTP's or maybe I should check on other things like mental health etc? Do you have tips that could help me being more understanding of my own feelings? (Thank you before hand!)

-------------------

Generally speaking, the focus of therapeutic psychology is mainly on the individual. Behavior is labelled "problematic" when it causes pain and suffering and negatively impacts one's ability to live life in the manner one aspires to. It is a self-evaluation. Since you claim to be functional in daily life, there is no reason to believe that you have any mental health problem or disorder.

However, abnormal psychology is but one of many perspectives through which to understand the human mind. E.g. What about highly functional yet existentially unhappy people? What about people who live a comfortable life but still yearn? What about people skilled at brushing aside issues to keep moving forward in life?

These people might not suffer from any serious mental disorder, but that doesn't mean there isn't enormous room for improvement. The subfield of psychoanalytic psychology helps people get to know themselves more deeply. The subfield of humanistic psychology helps people understand and fulfill their needs better. The subfield of positive psychology was created to tackle subjects like: how to live a better quality of life; how to flourish and thrive; how to realize greater potential.

You've described a psychological "issue" that you struggle with at times, but not to the extent that it poses a serious problem. Whether this issue is common for ENTPs with tertiary Fe is not the right question to ask. If I say "yes", then what? If I say "no", then what? Unless your behavior is very harmful, it's not for me or anyone else to tell you that there's something "wrong" with you. I don't want to play the role of judge and jury.

The question boils down to: What, if anything, do YOU want to do about this issue? The motivation to change shouldn't come from me saying that there's something "wrong" with you, as though I'm your parent. You should have some kind of intrinsic motivation, stemming from deep within your own soul, to improve yourself and your life. Unfortunately, without this intrinsic motivation, many people end up choosing unhealthy paths to self-improvement.

From your description, you have the capability to be emotionally aware and empathetic. However, "capability" is different than "ability". A capability is something you can potentially do but perhaps lack the knowledge or skill or will to do well. An ability is what you possess after you've put in the necessary hard work to learn the knowledge and skill required to do something well.

Of course, there are certain capabilities that are harder to develop for some people than others due to genetic predisposition. But this shouldn't be a barrier for anyone seeking personal growth for the right reasons. When you have the right intrinsic motivation, you understand that self-improvement isn't about being "the best" but about being a better you.

At any point in life, you get to choose to be a better you by turning your capabilities into abilities, by realizing more of your potential. To be clear, there's nothing "wrong" with refusing to. However, when you refuse, are you making the choice consciously, fully aware of the implications? Refusing essentially means you will never truly know that aspect of yourself nor see its benefits. And then you are likely to feel a strange "hole" in your existence, as though part of you is missing.

How does this relate to tertiary Fe? Generally speaking, people have plenty of capability or latent potential with the tertiary function. However, to develop latent potential and learn how to use the tertiary optimally requires a lot of difficult self-work. Why is the tertiary difficult to develop? Two main reasons:

1) It can only come after sufficient auxiliary development, which is hard enough. It sounds like your grasp of Ti is average at best, perhaps immature but not unhealthy. You use Ti in its most basic form to understand and solve problems, including human problems. However, it seems you haven't yet learned how to use it optimally to turn your capabilities into abilities.

2) People often don't understand the true value of the tertiary function and perhaps even unconsciously resist developing it in the right way. Most people use it merely as a tool to gain some egotistical advantage but then discard it whenever it becomes inconvenient. Does this not encapsulate your relationship to emotional life?

Chasing the good aspects while rejecting the bad means you don't have a full appreciation of the function. If you care about Fe, which includes having a healthier relationship to your emotional life, then you must learn to appreciate its true value and WANT it. Nobody can convince you or force you to develop a function that you overlook, ignore, or disdain as it suits you.

Gender may or may not play a role depending on how you choose to react to societal expectations. Rebellion against gender norms is sometimes necessary to promote fairness and equality, but it can also work against you, if you just end up resisting or rejecting things that are good for your personal growth.

As explained in the guide, type development is about improving your self-awareness, with the implication being that knowing yourself better allows you to make better judgments and decisions in life. It is entirely your decision as to whether you're going to: stop devaluing Fe; become more aware of its role in your psychology; accept and embrace its presence with both its positive and negative aspects; and fully integrate it into your way of being.

If you choose to take your personal growth in this direction, your emotional awareness will certainly improve which in turn will help improve your empathy for others. I've explained before that empathy requires both the cognitive and emotional components to work at its best. So far, you have favored the cognitive (as it relates to Ti) and been resistant to the emotional (as it relates to Fe). Rectifying this imbalance requires proper auxiliary and tertiary development, such that they complement rather than interfere with each other.

I've already written about emotional intelligence and recommended books that provide advice for self-improvement. The tools already exist, so it is a matter of study and practice. You say you want to be more understanding of your feelings but then your actual behavior toward feelings suggests otherwise.

For example, instead of being patient and vulnerable and listening to feelings in order to become more aware of them, you treat them as alien or as a nuisance, unwilling to take full responsibility for them. In terms of type development, it is this kind of ambivalence that keeps people stuck in a rut.

In short, is your question really about whether you "can" do it, or is it really about whether you have enough will to change and grow? Until this is clarified, your true purpose remains muddled, and that will continually limit and slow your progress.

[oh-contraire]

Coming back to fandom

Okay so it's been like 15 years since I've been properly excited about a fandom, so I didn't expect to be sitting here in my 40s, supposedly a serious adult with a real job and a real life (such as it is), having fallen even more deeply in love with Good Omens, a show based on a book that I've loved for over 20 years, a story that's always been there for me, this lovely little comfort read with a life-affirming message, and that has now eaten my entire brain and made it abundantly clear that I'll be stuck right here at least until season 3 comes out and gives me that beautiful everything-is-as-it-should-be cathartic resolution and I can finally rest and go back to real life (ha!)

I certainly didn't expect for this silly show about angels and demons to help me figure out this late in my life that I'm non-binary, to have all those parts of myself that I didn't quite understand suddenly start to make sense. I didn't expect to actually start to really own my queerness - which as a perpetually single person at my age, who's straight-enough-passing to not have to hang it all out there, while simultaneously being lucky enough to exist in a group of friends where queerness is basically the default and you'd almost have to come out as straight (old goths are the best) - is such a powerful experience, and is helping me figure out what the next part of my life will be and what the hell I'm doing around here.

The last time I was in a fandom, I was young (well, compared to now). I had parents who were still alive, who I was close to, and who I could share my excitement with. I've got beautiful memories of travelling from Australia to Europe with my mum in 2008, the last time we'd ever do that, of spending a couple of days of our precious holiday at Cardiff Bay watching the post-hub explosion scene in Torchwood Children of Earth being filmed, of her sneaking away and getting GDL's autograph for me on a random piece of paper, when I was too mortified to even consider it. I'll never watch Family of Blood or Utopia without remembering how I saw it for the first time with my dad, randomly flicking through channels and not really knowing what we were in for, and both of us experiencing that incredible, literally jaw dropping moment when Derek Jacobi was revealed as the Master, how I teasingly called him Father of Mine for years after that because it was such a wonderful shared moment for both of us (and because I was a totally cool and normal grown adult even then).

I never expected to fall straight back in love with Doctor Who after that, 15 years later, having lost both of my parents to awful illnesses, having tried to pretend that life, however fine it all was for the most part, hadn't had this constant undercurrent of existential dread, a horrible sense that from now on it would just be a series of losses, that all the things I loved would just fall away until there was nothing important left, that I could scramble for those little crumbs that felt like renewal or purpose but that ultimately felt hollow in the face of what seemed like an increasingly bleak and relentless world of serious things like work and mortgage payments and obligations and the whole thing of pretending to be a real adult doing Important Things.

I never expected just how healing, how utterly cathartic it would be to see 14 come back after all these years, older, tireder, after experiencing all that loss and grief, and to see them love so deeply, to see them find a new home, a new family, and to finally find a way to be actually, truly happy. I cried so much during that episode, and it felt like actual hope for the first time in years, like it helped to heal some part of myself that thought it would never be properly healed.

I'll never stop being in awe of how stories can do that. These silly little TV shows about angels and demons or time travel and the universe, which are really about humans and life and death and love and everything that's actually important, and which bring to the surface those deep truths that are hard to see among the minutiae of everyday life.

Stories are so powerful, and I'm so happy to feel excited about them again, and to have them weave their way back into the fabric of my life. So, thanks to RTD and @neil-gaiman for helping me find this feeling again, and thanks to fandom for continuing to exist while I figured out that this was one of the big parts that was missing from my life! <3

[ultradespairboyz]

This has been something I have been brewing for a long while now! Mainly because it really, really bothered me lmao

See, as iconic as Danganronpa is, the way they depicted a DID system is extremely problematic. I'm not a system myself but even I know the harmful stereotypes of "serial killer alters" and how DID is seen as something "scary" because of these harmful tropes. It is not something "quirky" and it is not something to be demonised. Depictions like these unfortunately lead to misconceptions about this disorder, which I once have had and have seen others have.

And thus, out of spite but also now full of love and passion, I have attempted a rewrite of Toko and Syo! My good homie @banooky (an actual system) has seen me ramble about this rewrite a number of times and has encouraged me to post about it here! Also give them a follow, they're really cool!

That being said, everything shall be under the cut!

First of all, for some context regarding pronouns and such, Syo is a male alter who uses he/him pronouns and is gay as hell. I do see Toko as being bi though!

Anyways, I obviously scrapped the serial killer aspect because that's gross as hell! Like what the fuck!!! That being said, Syo still was initially violent. Not because he's an "evil" alter but because he was a misguided protector who believed violence would protect the system, not realising it was actually stressing Toko out knowing "she" apparently attacked numerous people but not remembering any of it. Even seeing video proof and photos, she couldn't remember it and she was scared of herself for the longest time. They already had a shitty home life in the first place (I gesture towards the canon version of their backstory), so this behaviour only further aggravated their parents.

A lot of the time, Syo would fight (but not kill) those who tried to hurt Toko, whether it be physically or emotionally. He was also very angry at everything and everyone too, even yelling at Toko in their shared consciousness to "stay in line" and to "let him handle things" as he believed that this was the way to keep them safe.

Over time he does eventually become less violent, though he still is very quick to anger. Toko would do her best to supress him over the years once she had learned of his existence, though that did not work as he (and several other alters) would slip through the mental walls she'd attempt to put up against them. But what truly allowed Syo to calm down and reform was what I call a Naegi Intervention.

It had been a long time since he was able to front so the day he suddenly awoke and was front stuck the whole day, he was extremely disorientated. To the point he even put on the wrong uniform (and Toko had gotten both male and female uniforms because she did like the male uniforms but wouldn't have worn the male one in public, even if it seemed more comfortable than a skirt some days.)

Though despite the obvious confusion, most of the class assumed Toko (really Syo) was having an off day, though they were concerned. No one was close enough to Toko at the time though, so they were a little hesitant to ask if everything was okay. But through out the day, Naegi was the one who helped Syo around the school and even walked around with him to help him get his bearings under the assumption this was indeed Toko he was speaking to. The next day, Toko herself apologised and explained the situation to him out of fear Syo had done something terrible again but, Naegi was so confused. But he was indeed willing to learn and understand their situation! And, thus, Naegi became the first person they had ever trusted with knowing about their existence! Over time, Syo would grow less ans less hostile towards others and actually turned out to be a silly yet somewhat awkward kind of guy, though not afraid to speak his own opinion. He would even try to front more often just to speak to Naegi more and even started developing a little crush on him.

Ah but um. Speaking of crushes, Toko and Syo would make fun of each others tastes in men, especially once communication between the both of them becomes more easier. Syo desperately wants Toko to have better taste in men because she only ever goes after the red flags, but Toko thinks Syo's taste in men is boorrrinnngg— He would throw hands with her in their shared headspace over this but he can't bring himself to. If one ever sees them space out and it's not related to them being triggered, they are arguing over who's taste in better. /j

I'm also yet to think of who they would be specifically, but they would also have several other alters in their system! I wouldn't even be surprised if they had many, many introjects from not only the books they would read for comfort in their youth but also the characters from the novels Toko has written. But both Toko and Syo are simply the main fronters. And, hmm, I like to believe that due to Toko's creativity, they have a decent grasp of visualising their inner landscape. Initially, they would have perceived it as a dark set of rooms, but it eventually flourished into a cozy little village by the sea. It's sort of their dream place to be in, in the outer world. They'd love to live in a cozy house by the sea.

I also like to think that over time, they would have gotten comfortable enough with the rest of the cast that they'd allow them to know of their existence too, and be more purposefully covert in their switches. For example, when they have an idea of who'd be fronting for at least the majority of the day, they coordinate their clothing to be more masculine if Syo is the main fronter that day and to be more feminine if it's Toko. But on days they're less certain, especially if they're feeling like they may switch a number of times, they do have more easy to switch cues like their hairstyle (braids for Toko and ponytails for Syo) or bracelets if adjusting their hair turns out to be too much effort a particular day. It really depends on several factors. I also like to think that they also started living away from their family pretty young (and especially after gaining success with Toko's books), so this sort of coordination is safe for them now.

I also like to think that Syo would also get along with Mondo and would train with him too! I think it'd be cute as hell. I'm yet to think about their dynamic with other characters as of now, but I'll perhaps add onto this if I ever do! I'm.. not exactly that deep in the fandom these days anyway.

If I feel silly enough I may even draw this rewrite too!

[captainhunnicutt]

What is your favorite BJ episode? And if it's different, what is BJ's best episode he's in?

Hello my sweet Bard. Thank you for the ask and giving me a reason to ramble about one of my favorite topics. BJ Hunnicutt.

My favorite BJ episode is hands down "BJ Papa San." I am continuously baffled how this isn't a general fan favorite - and I don't even mean in this microcosm of fandom on Tumblr. I mean Mash fans at large. The episode never makes any "Top _____" lists. It's never an episode that people seem to really discuss or want to sink their teeth in to, unless you're already a fully fledged Beejgirl. I guess it makes sense when I force myself to take my Beej colored glasses off, and try to look at all of the episodes as a normal human who hasn't had a brain rot for so long that it's become a major part of their identity.

BJ is immediately presented to the audience in a very structured and controlled way. The calm persona is laid out and we all eat it up without hesitation. The characterization slots in nicely with the opposite ones surrounding him, and a level head is needed to balance things out within the entire camp - and his wackiness in turn balances himself out. It's just a nice fit. But we all become too comfortable with BJ always being calm, and seeing him have his shit together. There are hints dropped along the way that he is slowly coming apart at the seams, and in fairness, they seem to go ignored. He tells us in "Our Finest Hour," how angry he is - but he says it in that soothing and calm voice that it truly doesn't feel like it registers just how angry he actually is... and then "BJ Papa San" happens.

We see him break down and grant himself permission to express his anger, or maybe he's so angry that the man behind the curtain just shows himself without a second thought. And to have him get angry over another family being ripped away from him - makes it even more upsetting. I've always read BJ as someone who's self-worth is wrapped up in the idea of always having to be more than enough. Exceeds expectations. Is needed. Is wanted. That all of these things mixed together makes a man worthy of everything he has worked for. And to be first ripped from it himself and then to have a parallel version rip itself away from him - it only makes sense that he would lose his cool. It allows the viewers a glimpse into the idea that war can and will bring out the worst in people, and that idea of "worst," isn't always demonstrated in violence or brutality. It can be showcased in losing control of carefully crafted images to become the exact opposite of what you want everyone to think you are. No one is safe from a war. Not physically. Not mentally. Not emotionally - and BJ is such a beautiful character to demonstrate that notion.

I'm not entirely sure how to answer the best episode that BJ is in, because I think a lot of the episodes that he's in and has a serious plot point to take part in - are insanely important to his character. Even the ones where he's helping deliver a cow, or dressed up as a clown with water bottles on his feet - like, they all shed light on what makes this man him.

I'm going to take this opportunity to just say, I know BJ gets a bad wrap. I understand (on a very basic level), that he is not really a "fan favorite," and that's fine. He doesn't have to be, and I don't feel an obligation to defend him. BJ Hunnicutt is not real - but he means something to me. I see a lot of myself in him and the way he rationalizes (or doesn't), and the absurdity of zeroing in on things that someone else may not understand as being important or upsetting. I relate to his propensity to keep everything bottled up until it comes out in the most unhealthiest of ways, and I have for years upon years. We are (were in his case) works in progress.

So yeah, he can be a little shit and I get why people may not like him, but to me he is one of the most complicated and well developed characters of all time.

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.

[megsbooknook]

Legendborn by Tracy Deonn

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

"Don't make your life about the loss. Make it about the love"

Wow! When I finished this book that was the only thought on my mind. I'm not usually a big fan of fantasy novels but with this book I found myself truly giving this book my full attention. The magical system in this book is really cool and I found it pretty easy to understand. It was a little slow to start, but when it got started it really got started and I just couldn't stop reading.

Legendborn tells the story of Bree, a 16 year old girl attending a program for high schoolers at UNC Chapel Hill. Bree's mother dies in a car accident before the story even begins and throughout the book Bree is shown to be struggling with this sudden and tragic loss. Very quickly, she finds herself involved in a secret society dedicated to fighting demons on campus. When Bree realizes that there's a connection between her mother's death and this society, she starts to think that maybe it wasn't a simple car accident that killed her mom. And now she's determined to get to the truth even if it means infiltrating the Legendborns. She recruits Nick, a self exiled Legendborn to help her out and as they're drawn deeper into the society, they're also drawn closer together. When she learns of an impending magical war, Bree must decide if she should take down the society or join their fight before it's too late.

Deonn's writing had me completely engaged in the story. The way she wrote about Bree's grief and the connections she's trying to establish to her roots had me flipping pages when I probably should have been focused on other work.

I'm almost upset this was the first book I read for my reading project because all I want to do is crack open the second book, but I have 3 more books I need to read before I can do that.

[callibones]

uhhh hh ..... hello! this is the same anon who sent in that ask about object camps. the camps you suggested sound really interesting! im a little too scared to join them for now haha but they sound really cool. they will rotate in my mind for a while i think HGFDSFGHJGFDSDFGH other than that .. 1 . i came across the wiki camp two and it looked so creative and interesting to me! i dont program in css that often anymore but the site makes me wanna go over and put in a bunch of pages. problem is.. i don't know how to Apply? or Do Anything? rn the site is locked for voting but just in general i tried reading the rules but still couldn't understand how it worked. if you knew anything about it that'd be nice. it also seems to have a discord server..? again im scared to check myself but if youre in it i wanna know whether it's a nice space to be in.

2 . uhhghgfdghj i peered through the rest of the blog and found the shelled one blaseball fic you posted ? and i think im really Normal about it. So after reading that i now trust your fanfic opinions. are there any other blaseball fics you'd strongly recommend? and uh general.. uh, evil mind controlly fics would be really nice too (the book of bill is also sort of ruining me along with this so i am truly looking for ANYTHING and like omg hbdxszexrdcfdsxrctvdxszaf) and thats all i wanted to ask you! sorry this is getting REALLY LONG i wish you well and i am So Sorry for bothering you!

HELLO AGAIN! not botherin me at all. :-] i was hopin youd find that answer.... i made sure to answer it at the same time u sent the question so you'd have a MAXIMUM CHANCE of findin it, and u Did! so Yay! welcome back. im going to tag my answers to your Post's with 🩸🟪 so we Never Get Separated Again. but i want you to know.... i don't bite! i literally can't on account of my face is a monitor. so if you wanna chat, feel free to dm me! you seem like a really fun person and we clearly have a lotta interest's in common so Consider That: An Option.

ANYHOO.

1) the wiki camp 2 is ABSOLUTELY a welcoming community. in fact, check this out: here's an index of plainly written explanations of various community in-jokes, to ensure nobody's left confused! while i'm not super active on the discord due to hyperfixating on single spaces at a time like some sort of cryptid, i have a lot of wonderful friends in the community and i'd wholeheartedly call it nice.

you don't have to apply to write, either! while i don't think there's an ETA yet on when the wiki's re-opening, whenever it does you'll be able to make an account for free and start creating to your heart's content! sometimes people who do that even get roped into the camp due to Token Shenanigans....

2) look. i get it. how much do i get it? the post you're talking about was written by my bill cipher fictive. and guess what book made me pick THAT thing up? we're in the same boat. i'm (RELATIVELY) normal 'round these parts, but if you do end up dropping me a line, maybe you'll happen upon some of my stuff? just sayin'. but as for what i can do for ya at the desk here...

thing is, i actually haven't read that much blaseball fanfic. i know! i WANT to. i have a list, which i'll reblog with your special tag right after this. but my brain doesn't let me read a lotta long stuff these days, which is SUCKS! i might poke around some tags and see what i can find, but that spectacular shelled one fic's the only one of its kind i know.

if you wanna read something Long and Serious and Really Really Good that's haunted me for years, put your eyes on Oil and Water, the shoe thieves disaster marriage classic about grief and autism and family and other such things.

then read everything else that catches your fancy, and send me your picks! and hey. if anyone reading this wants to help a cute anon out and knows some fics (or wrote some fics) that fit the Bill i mean the bill, PLEASE lemme know!! i Understand wanting more evil mind control. it's kind of my whole thing. PLUS i'm literally the shelled one's favorite

[likeafairytale]

"You have lived so many lives, your brain is not made to remember all on its own. Here. This will help you. This is the best I can do." - Mnemosyne to Achilles about the hourglass

❛A hourglass?❜

❛Yes.❜

❛Is that your way to tell me my father is Chronos, the titan of time? Because that would be pretty cool.❜

❛Still funny, I see.❜

Achilles shrugged to his mother's words, to be honest, yes, he thought he was quite funny right now. Taking the hourglass from the Titaness, he looked at the steady seed inside before looking at the chain, which made him understand it was supposed to be a necklace. The demigod was lost at the moment; his mother appeared to him for the first time in years, to offer him a meaningless gift, but hey, weren't all gods that way? He knew Aphrodite did the same with Anastasia years ago with Helen's dagger, it was maybe just a matter of time before his mother did the same. He has to admit, he was disappointed, but also a bit jealous. At least his best friend had a weapon, something useful, what was he supposed to do with an hourglass?

❛Like I said, it's for your memory.❜ Mnemosyne said, as to echo her son's thoughts. ❛You have an extraordinary memory, Achilles, but a human brain isn't supposed to remember so many things.❜

❛Good thing I'm not completely human then.❜

❛You know what I mean.❜ She replied. She was both amused and annoyed by her son's comeback, but he was just like his father, which was why she fell in love in the first place. ❛How many lives did you live already? Three. Three lives is a lot, Achilles.❜

❛I'm perfectly fine.❜

❛That's not what the room is telling me.❜

Achilles opened his mouth, ready to talk, but he had no sassy comeback this time. He looked around and could only agree with his mother; the room was a mess. Books everywhere, curtains ripped off, it was as if a hurricane came into his room when really it was all his doing. His head was hurting, so much he wanted to smash it against the wall to make it stop. Make the noises, the memories, everything stop. But he couldn't make it stop, no matter how many times he tried, everything was swirling into his mind that violence was the only solution. He came to self harm sometimes, when it was too much, like today for example, something Mnemosyne noticed when he tried to hide his left arm with his shirt already covered with blood.

❛Tya seems quite fine with her memory.❜ He noticed. Although his best friend wasn't there, he knew she did not have violent outbursts like him.

❛Anastasia forgets some things of her life. Like everyone is supposed to. I'm sure you can test her, ask her about something specific, she won't find the answer. But you. Your memory is too perfect. You just cannot forget like you should. I blame myself for that.❜

❛Yeah, so do I.❜

The young man sighed and looked twice at the hourglass, trying himself to figure out how this little trinket could help him, –he was really fond of jigsaws and wanted to find by himself– but he was just puzzled by that. When he was about to turn it upside down, his mother stopped him quickly, bringing his attention on her.

❛Before you do that...❜ She started, with such softness that Achilles was suspicious. ❛I need to tell you how it works.❜ She marked another paused, and he noticed she was trying to find her words.

❛Like I said you remember too much... This will erase your memory. All of them.❜

❛What? So your solution of me remembering too much is for me to remember nothing at all? What kind of bullshit is that?!❜

❛That's not... You'll have core memories. Your likes and dislikes will stay the same, you will stay the same, you will remember who you truly are. You will just have to learn again some things. It will wipe your memories so it can make place for more new ones.❜

❛How does it work?❜

❛Once it's upside down, you forget. Until the last seed is down, you will not remember, but once it's over, your memories will come back.❜

❛What's the point if I'll remember eventually?❜

❛I cannot tell you everything. Some things need to be figured out by yourself.❜ Obviously this wasn't the answer Achilles was expected, but he shrugged it off. He was quite ready to turn the hourglass when Mnemosyne stopped him again: ❛Before you do that...❜

❛Oh by the Gods, what again?❜

❛You will also forget people. By that, I mean everyone. Except me and your sisters.❜

❛...Tya...?❜

❛It's to protect you from her that I am doing this. If you cannot remember her, she cannot find you, and you cannot die. The less you remember, the more chance you have to stay alive. But once all your memories back, once you remember her, you're doomed.❜

❛I don't want it, thanks.❜

Mnemosyne couldn't say that she was totally surprised by his answer, she knew about her son's affection for Anastasia. If she had said that sooner, he wouldn't have listened to her, she knew that well. She thought that if he knew more about how the hourglass worked, he won't be against it, at least won't be so quick to refuse, but she didn't know her son and his devotion for Aphrodite's daughter as much as she thought. Achilles handed the hourglass to his mother, who did not take it. For the Gods, a gift was a gift, and you couldn't refuse it, it was insulting. The young man did not care about insulting his mother, because she was insulting him first, by thinking he will be all right with the idea of forgetting his best friend, the only person who stood by him from the very first day.

❛Take that back and sod off.❜

❛You talk just like him.❜ She said with amusement, and she did not have to say anything more, he knew she was talking about his father. ❛You know how gift works for us. That's yours. Do whatever you want with it now. But you know I'm right. You know that the more memories you made along the way, the harder it is for you to focus.❜

❛I don't care.❜

❛It's not permanent, Achilles. You will remember.❜

❛But for that, I need to forget, and I don't want to spend a day without knowing who Tya is to me.❜

❛Your love and devotion to her is admirable. But that won't reduce the outbursts. They will become stronger. More violent. Who knows, maybe you'll kill someone. Perhaps her. And she does not have the same curse as you; if she dies, it's over for her. Do you really want to risk that, son?❜

He did not like the way she talked. Especially about Anastasia. But he had to admit –reluctantly– that she was right. Today he hurt himself, what if next time he is with Anastasia, and he hurt her without wanted to? What if he hurt her so badly that even him can't save her? The idea hurt him more than his migraines. He said nothing. But his silence was enough for Mnemosyne to know she won.

❛Until the last seed is down?❜ He finally asked, and she nodded.

❛You don't have to use it right away. Take your time. Say goodbye. But for your sake, do the right thing.❜

[oathkeeperoxas]

For kiss prompts, let's do 51, 54, aaaaaaaaaaand 18 😏

More kisses!! 51 can be found here, 54 is located here, and 18 is below. Under a cut as this one is just ever so slightly spicy

Send me a kiss for saintspy May 😘

18 Kiss on the… ahem

“I never really let myself think you were good at planning holidays.”

Simon lifts an eyebrow at Ethan, who is comfortably sprawled on a luxurious beach chair wearing only board shorts and sunglasses.

“I’m not sure how to take that,” he says. “And I just brought you a drink, too.”

Ethan perks up, which confirms Simon’s suspicions that he’d had his eyes closed upon Simon walking up to him. Picking him out by the sounds of his feet moving through the sand only. Or maybe the more likely fact that this is a private beach, and it’s only been the two of them for hours and hours.

Still. Good place for an ambush, if Ethan isn’t expecting it. Not that Simon would let that happen. He has a good relationship with the French government and that of the local authorities under one of his many identities, so the island of Réunion is pretty much as perfect a getaway as there is. Their tracks are covered. No one should be disturbing them here.

“I can’t believe that you’ve never been here before,” Simon says, not giving in just yet. He takes a sip out of his own drink, letting his tongue lick out on the straw. He can’t see Ethan’s eyes behind his sunglasses, but Simon is sure that he’s watching. “I’d have thought it was right up your alley.”

“I’d never heard of it before last week,” Ethan admits. “It is a small island.”

Situated between Madagascar and the equally small island nation of Mauritius, it really is at the ends of the earth. But it’s hardly a secret to the French, who flock to the tropical island for winter getaways every year since this place is technically a part of France, and so hardly a secret to Simon, who spent some years in France in his late teenage years.

Not that he’s keen to let Ethan into all his secrets just yet.

“You know I don’t particularly like the cold,” Simon says. “And this island is quite literally meant to be a holiday getaway. I heard they’re putting another paragliding station up on the east mountain range next year – as if there aren’t already several on the west mountains.”

“It’s a stunning view,” Ethan says. “I can’t blame people for wanting to get as much of it as they can.”

Simon makes a noise in the back of his throat, simply acknowledging. He can appreciate the views – from the top of one of the mountains, his feet firmly on the ground.

“Or,” Ethan says, warming up to the idea. “Let me know when they let us paraglide over the volcano.”

Now Simon rolls his eyes. “You know it’s one of the most active volcanoes on the planet,” he says. “It erupted last year. And the year before that. And the year before that.”

“Sure,” Ethan says, grinning. “That’s why it would be cool.”

Simon can’t help but smile at that. Cool. Understatement, truly. Maybe he can indulge some of Ethan’s thrill seeking behaviour and agree to go with him down to the volcano crater and explore for a little bit. It’s not something he would normally do, but for Ethan…

Laid out like this, happy and healthy, he looks like a dream come true. Simon sips his drink again to have something to do with his mouth. Because otherwise he might be very, very tempted to do something else with it instead.

“I’m still waiting to hear how that relates to my ability to plan holidays,” Simon says.

Ethan tucks his hands behind his head, like he hasn’t a care in the world. “I don’t know,” he says. “I know you’re a planner in general. I know that you know me, and I’m sure that this is hardly your first holiday getaway for yourself, so you know what you like. Maybe I didn’t want to think about it because I never thought it was going to happen.”

Yes. Simon can understand that, after the furiously exhaustive process of Ethan trying to confirm more than one week of leave at a time. It had taken five months of negotiations, which were often broken up when Ethan was assigned some asinine mission that Simon was certain only to get him out of the office and under the IMF’s thumb.

He shakes the dark thoughts about what he wants to do to that agency off. They have four weeks to themselves, and Simon is intent on using them well.

“It would have made me too sad to really think about it,” Ethan continues to ponder out loud, working through his thought process and emotions easily. Simon sucks up the proof behind Ethan’s reasoning, adding them to his own evidence of how Ethan thinks and what Ethan wants, and where Ethan’s priorities are at. An internal document that he updates constantly when it comes to this man. “So I didn’t think about it. I’m happy now, though. Good outcome.” He puts his sunglasses up on top of his head so Simon can see his beautiful hazel eyes. In combination with his endless planes of skin, thick shoulder and arm muscles on full display, and the warm smile he’s wearing, Simon knows he’s about to give in to the next statement Ethan utters. “It would be better with a drink, though.”

“You know how to sweet talk me, baby,” Simon says, and hands the drink over. There’s a wide table by Ethan’s elbow, and Simon takes one last sip of his drink before placing it down there. Ethan watches him over the rim of his bourbon and coke, like this course of action wasn’t completely predictable. Ethan started them down this road by choosing to wear that, and had gunned the engine by giving Simon that look, while laying sprawled out and happy.

Like Simon was going to let the opportunity pass.

“Sweetheart,” Ethan says, a bit of warning in his tone, as Simon bends and kisses his knee, then presses his lips up his thigh to his belly. But Simon has never followed any rules, and Ethan’s going to have to use his words if he really wants Simon to stop.

“Can’t believe you,” Simon mutters, mostly to himself, as he sticks his tongue inside Ethan’s bellybutton. Ethan’s beautiful body under his hands, his to touch and please, wherever and however he likes. “Don’t think you’d be good at planning a holiday. At least you know I’m good at this.”

“Simon,” Ethan says, but a hand slides into his hair. More than enough permission for him. Simon tugs at the board shorts, wanting them off and all of Ethan on display because that’s a good holiday for him, thank you very much, and Ethan laughs and obliges him, and when Simon kisses down to take Ethan in his mouth, Ethan is still sipping at the drink Simon had bought him.

Perfect day. After this, Ethan’s never going to doubt his holiday planning abilities ever again.

[carminecandles]

♫⋆｡ I hate myself for loving you ₊ ♪˚

prologue here

chapter one here

desc: punk!f!munson!reader and sub!Steve Harrington are not too fond of each other. However, unspoken tension becomes unbearable when stopping at a motel on a group trip, you both have no choice but to share a bed. Will you two settle your differences or find other ways to make the other shut up?

Chapter 2: like the sun and moon

(tw: toxic dynamics)

Shortly thereafter, you toss and turn in your sleep. Steve sees the look of distress on your face and reaches out, hand hovering over your shoulder, wondering if he should wake you up.

You dream about the upside down again, the memories still haunting you as they still do for all of you guys. Steve watches your body tense and trash, clearly in the grip of a nightmare.

When you yell out he immediately shakes you awake gently, so that the sudden intrusion wouldn’t startle you further. "No, no. You're dreaming, y/n. It's okay," he whispered, grabbing you and pulling you into his arms as soon as you shoot up in horror.

You tremble a little, still too disoriented to realize Steve was holding you tight against him, rubbing your back in attempt to soothe you. Soon you steady your breath, the worry slowly draining out of your body as you realize you're safe, that you all are. As you come back down to reality you pull away from Steve, as if you were suddenly remembering that you're enemies.

Steve feels a little disappointed, an emptiness filling the space where he had just held you. "Are you okay?" he asks softly, his voice low and gentle.

"Yeah…" you reply a bit too harshly to cover up the shakiness in your voice. Steve understands your defensiveness all to well, knowing that vulnerability is terrifying, especially in front of someone you're supposed to hate. He doesn't push you to talk more as you hide behind a wall a toughness.

You drag a hand across your face. Steve's concern eventually gets the better of him and he asks, "Was it the monsters or something?"

You nod slowly, avoiding his gaze. He tries to lighten the mood and says, "Hey, at least I was okay in it, right? I was probably fighting them off and being cool."

The memories of Steve protecting you guys come back, and maybe it did look kind of cool but you'd never give him the satisfaction of admitting it. "Are you forgetting your dumbass keeps getting beat to the point of near death?"

Steve feels irritated at your jab. "It's not my fault the upside down keeps trying to kill me."

"And Billy, and the Russians, and--"

"Okay, enough. Point taken, I guess. I do have a bad habit of getting my ass kicked," he says with a resigned sigh, not wanting you to push it in any further. He's been through it more times than he can probably count, and it never gets any easier.

The shift in conversation offers you relief from the horrors you just relieved, and you chuckle. "It's gonna catch up to you someday, man."

Steve shakes his head in mock annoyance, secretly glad you're back to your teasing self and not the panicked mess you were earlier. He can't help but smile at the sound of your chuckle again. "Oh come on, I always manage to survive. Like a cockroach."

"You kinda look like one too," you say, trying to deny to yourself that you actually found him attractive.

"Excuse me? Are you calling me ugly? Well, you're one to talk. You're not exactly some model yourself," he says, though it's the opposite of how he truly feels.

"At least I can admit that," you retort. Steve might be pretty, but he knows it, damnit. That's what gets on your nerves.

"Hey, I might just be the best-looking guy in Hawkins."

You roll your eyes. "'Cause Billy's dead? It's not like you have other things going for you anyway."

He scoffs. "I do!"

"Name one."

"Well, let's see. I'm pretty good at basketball, I'm a loyal friend, and I'm quite charming if I do say so myself," he says.

"You were a sh*t captain who kept Hawkins from being in the championship or winning for years."

"Not true, I was a great one!" "As for the 'friends,' you make fun of them, jerk. And charming, my ass. You probably repel women."

Steve gives up on trying to defend himself, knowing it's pointless and you'll keep going at your brutal takedown. He secretly knows you're right but it doesn't make it hurt any less to hear it said out loud. That damn smirk, he thinks. Who does she think she is to constantly want to humble me?

"Yeah, yeah, you're a real know-it-all. You always gotta be right, don't you?" he says sarcastically, annoyed by your smugness but also feels a bit of begrudging respect that you never stand down.

"Because I am always right," you say, jokingly.

Steve shakes his head in disbelief at your confidence. "You've got a real ego problem, you know that? You think everyone else are just incompetent idiots." "Not everyone, just you," you say, trying to get under his skin.

"What did I do to deserve your harsh judgment? Other than saving your ass multiple times?"

You knew that it was true, he has saved you, and you him. "So that immediately makes up for everything you did? Besides you were just tryna be a hero and all that, and I can take care of myself you know."

He almost laughs at your stubbornness. "You can take care of yourself, huh? I guess that's why you almost got mauled by those demodogs. You'd be dead right now if it wasn't for me."

"You would be too," you say. Steve won't admit it outright either. You've both saved each other's asses many times before.

"That doesn't change the fact that you're a stubborn, know-it-all who's allergic to admitting you need help sometimes."

You know there's truth to his words deep down. "And you're just a narcissistic wannabe hero who wants to show off and have people cheer for you all the time."

Steve feels a stab of anger. "And you're just a cynic who refuses to see the good in anything, always assuming the worst in people."

"I just see the truth, and I don't think you're all that. You need to be knocked down a few pegs."

"Oh really? And you think you're the one to that, huh?" "But I have been doing that," you say, thinking of how you refused to put up with his bullsh*t and called him out for his attitude since the day you met.

"I'm not just gonna roll over and take it, you know?"

"Obviously why you're insufferable."

A small smirk tugs the corner of his mouth. "Says you. You're just as insufferable, actually more so."

You huff, running out of comebacks. "You can't offend me if I don't care about your opinion anyway."

Steve finds this ridiculous and tries to rile you up further. "If you don't care about my opinion, why are you still here arguing with me at two in the morning?"

"Because you f*cking woke me up!"

"I didn't do it on purpose, you were the one thrashing around and screaming my name in your sleep."

"Not like that, damn it," you joke.

Steve smirks, knowing he pushed the right buttons. "What's the matter? Don’t like being called out on your subconscious love of me?"

"Oh you wish, Harrington," you deny quickly. "That would sure feed your ego, wouldn't it?"

He knows he hit a nerve and continues. "Come on, don't pretend. It's not like it's a secret you've got a little thing for me."

"No, sorry dude but you remain b*tchless and desperate," you say.

"Ha, you're one to talk. You're single too, in case you've forgotten. So we're both b*tchless and desperate."

"Well at least not the desperate part, if I wanted to I can get almost anyone I want." Steve chuckles at your confidence, finding it both obnoxious and attractive. "If you're so irresistible why aren’t you taken, then?"

He had a point, you thought. But you weren't looking to date at the moment. At least that's what you say to yourself. Sure, you have had casual flings lately but… something is holding you back from more. Your feelings lie elsewhere. "Well maybe I'm just not interested in anything serious."

"Figures. You just want to have your fun and move on."

"Hypocrite, much? That's what you used to do."

He remembers his past reputation for going through girls like they're disposable, knowing he can't argue with the accusation since he had his fair share of using girls for fun and moving on when he gets bored. "That's in the past okay? I'm not that guy anymore."

"Well in my eyes you still are just a heartless douche." You couldn't stand his 'King Steve' persona.

Normally Steve wouldn't give two sh*ts what people still thought of him but for some reason your opinion irritated him, and he couldn't understand why it even matters.

"And to me you're a defiant nuisance. You think you're some sort of rebel, with all that anti-conformity feminist blah blah blah."

"Shut up, you're just a mindless former jock that was obsessed with the stupid social hierarchy."

He scoffs. Did you still see him as nothing more than a brainless cog in the machine that is the high school hierarchy? It's  been long since graduation, for crying out loud. "You really think that's all I am? Some mindless jock that only cares about popularity?"

"Well yeah, you were a total d*ck like every other popular kid, and probably still are… you couldn't have changed THAT much even though you pretend," you say, still hesitant to trust him after your guys' past.

Steve feels frustrated that you don’t acknowledge he's changed, that his past actions don't define his entire character. "So I'm still a d*ck even though I went through hell and back saving the world more than once? Risking my life countless times to protect my friends and a town that hates me? You think that counts for nothing?"

You knew he had truly changed, you saw it firsthand. But you just couldn't admit to him now when you're put on the defensive. "Town that hates you? Pfft. Please, your little daddy's rich and respected, you spoiled boy."

That mention of his dad feels like a punch in the gut. "You're gonna bring him into this now? You think having a rich dad makes everything easier? You know nothing."

"I'm the town freak here. A f*cking Munson, and thanks to my cousin I get called a Satanist and trailer trash on a daily basis. You can't know what that's like." You don't mention that Steve himself even called you insults somewhere along those lines, plus the ones that hurt the most were about your sexuality, which you used to keep hidden for a reason. Even though he might be accepting now but it wasn't always the case.

Steve can't argue that he knows what it's like to be hated and ostracized by the town in the way you are. "Okay, that's different. But it doesn't mean I don't have problems too. And you seriously believe I was the same arrogant prick I was back in high school?"

"Well I wouldn't know, you're still such a pain."

A pain. That's all he is to you. He doesn't know why it hurts despite being a common insult you've thrown at him. "And you're so f*cking pleasant all the time."

You roll your eyes, knowing you can't deny it.

Steve found you infuriating, but he can't bring himself to hate you for it. He was oddly attracted to your fiery personality. "You just love being the pain in my ass don't you," he scoffs.

"I can cause another pain in your ass," you say, chuckling.

Steve pauses. You're just referring to something violent… right? "And what exactly do you mean by that?"

"Have you ever been pegged, Harrington?" you say, only half-joking.

Steve nearly chokes on his saliva but quickly composes himself, not letting you get the satisfaction of seeing his reaction. "What the hell kind of question is that?!"

"I was kidding," you say with a laugh, watching the pink rise in his cheeks. Secretly you want to do it, but you force the thoughts to stop distracting you.

"Yeah, yeah. Real funny," he grumbles. Steve hides his curiosity under a façade of irritation. He hadn't actually, but he wouldn't mind it being done by you.

"You still always seem to have something shoved up your ass though, except not as pleasant."

"You're the one with a stick up your ass, not me," he replies.

"Fine, fine. But I'd shove one-" "Woah, you're threatening me right now?" he says as you chuckle, his eyes narrowing. "What's so funny? You really think you can take me in a fight? You might have some muscles sure, but you're still a chick. I could pin you down in seconds."

You try to resist the urge to tell him to do it, as tempting as it was. But you smile and say, "Is that a challenge, Harrington?"

With that he lunges, unable to resist the opportunity to prove his point and wrap his arms around you, using his weight to press you onto the bed. "Since you're so eager to get your ass kicked."

Your foot connects with his side, and he grunts, feeling a stings where you hit him. "Jesus, ow! What was that for?"

He lets go of you and glares, rubbing his side. You use this moment to flip you two over, and Steve was caught off guard. You were back in the same position as earlier in the night, straddling him again. You couldn't resist shifting your hips to get comfortable and he has to back a moan. Instead he focuses on your smug grin and how you're mocking him to ignore the feel of you on him.

"You like getting your ego stroked like this, huh?" At that you put your hand over his mouth to shut him up.

He was about to protest some more but feels his cheeks warm up with the way you're dominating him, feeling both humiliated and aroused at being silenced like this. He hates how much he likes this but keeps his face expressionless so you don't know how much you're affecting him.

Steve tries to speak again but your hand muffles his words, making them unintelligible. All he can do is glare up at you, trapped beneath you. You pin him down harder, squeezing his body with your thighs. Steve lets out a muffled groan and bites your hand.

You let out a sharp gasp. "Ow!"

Steve grins and says sarcastically, "Oops, sorry about that." But he knows he's not sorry at all.

"Let me go, you're squeezing me too tight," he says.

"No," you reply firmly as he squirms.

"You can't just keep me pinned here forever, you know," he says, even though the thought of being trapped under you was turning him on a little too much, imagining what else you can do while he's like this.

Your thoughts drift to similar places and you grab the sheets, using them to tie Steve's hands together. He is shocked but also aroused by the restraints, struggling against them to no avail. The knots near his wrists are too tight and he lies helpless under you.

"Hey, what the hell are you doing…" he grumbles.

You stuff the remaining end of the sheets into his mouth and he tries to spit out the makeshift gag. "Now I can sleep in peace," you say.

Steve wants to yell at you, tell you to get off of him but he can't, and he's both frustrated and aroused by being bound and gagged like this, completely at your mercy. He feels your body press between his legs, making his mind go blank. You hold him down so you can't kick up at you and he wiggles, trying to hide his growing erection.

You shift your hips, acting as though it was just to comfortable, and Steve tries to hold back a moan, coming out as a muffled whimper through the gags. He feels vulnerable and exposed beneath you and hates how it turns him on. He's torn between wanting you to keep going and want to escape from the position you put him in. Each slight movement of your hips drives him crazy, his senses overwhelmed.

He tugs again against the restraints, feeling the fabric in his mouth getting soaked with his saliva. He looks up, eyes meeting yours and silently begging. But he feels heat shoot through him as you smirk down at him, enjoying the power you have over him and the contact as you 'accidentally' grind against him. With his wrists tied he couldn't push you off, but the situation ignites something in him.

Steve has to remind himself that he hates you, that he's supposed to be fighting this, but it gets harder to remember why. He feels a bit embarrassed at his lack of control, how you've reduced him to a helpless mess, since he's used to being the one in charge. Yet he wants you despite everything, and hates himself for enjoying this so much. He gives up fighting and accepts this position, feeling you lean in closer, your breath ghosting over his skin.

Your lips almost touch his neck, and he silently wills you to continue, but you suddenly snap out of your lustful daze and realize what is happening, pulling back.

Steve groans, looking up at you frustrated for playing with him like this, but you get off him, realizing you got way too carried away. Steve feels both relief and disappointment as you get off his body and starts struggling against the restraints against, trying to free himself and speak again so he can tell you off for what you just did to him.

You remove the gag and the untie the sheets, and Steve lets out a breath, collecting himself and rubbing his wrists a little, feeling the soreness from where the fabric dug in. He's not going to tell you that a part of him liked it and wanted you to keep him that way.

"What the hell was that?!" he says, hiding the slight hoarseness in his voice from the gag. Steve was still aroused from your little power play, making him more irritable than usual.

"I was just uh.. Shutting you up." You try to hide how much it excited you to see him bound, eyes begging… F*ck.

His pride was a little wounded by the implication that you can just shut him up whenever you want. "You can't just gag me whenever I say something you don’t like. I have a right to speak my mind, you know."

"Whatever. That was for pinning me down earlier."

"Yeah, well, you started it."

"You were provoking me and deserved it," you say.

"Yeah, well, you didn't have to gag me like that. That was a bit excessive, don't you think?"

You have to admit he's right, but maybe you just wanted to give in to your desires and have him at your mercy. It was quite arousing, honestly.

"You're enjoying this aren't you? Power going to your head, huh?" he scoffs.

"Now you’re making me sound like the jerk here," you respond.

"Oh, I'm making you sound like the jerk? Who's the one who just had me tied up and gagged like some kind of prisoner?"

You can't help the smirk that plays on your lips. "Maybe you're just more pleasant that way, without your cocky attitude."

"Cocky attitude? That's just my personality, sweetheart. Can't handle a little sass?”

"Nah, I like you better silenced," you say, not letting him know how much this is getting you.

Steve knows he should feel offended, but there's something about your assertiveness that he can't help but find hot. He tries to keep up his bravado but he's never had someone take control like this before, it was both exhilarating and infuriating.

"Oh, is that right? You like me better when I can't talk back to you, huh? So, what? You're just gonna gag me every time I piss you off now?"

You bite back, "I just might."

"And what if I fight you? What if I don't want to be silenced like that?" Secretly he feels heat in his stomach at the thought of you doing it again.

"You can try, Harrington," you say with a teasing smirk.

You keep saying my name like that and I'll make you scream it, he thinks. "Oh, I'll fight. Don't think you can just gag me whenever you want, sweetheart. I'm not some helpless puppy you can just tie up and keep quiet."

"Unfortunately," you retort.

Steve ignores the fact that he likes when you take charge. "Yeah, well, you just wait. Someday I'm gonna get you back for this, you know that, right?"

"Oh wow, I'm so scared," you say sarcastically. "Just go to sleep."

He pouts a little at your dismissive tone. "Yeah, whatever. Don't tell me what to do."

Still, Steve knows he should listen. He's tired and frustrated and lets out a sigh, laying down. You roll over and pull the crumpled up sheets over yourself. He stares at the back of your head, wanting to pull you closer but doesn't, knowing that it will just give you more power over him if you know what he wants.

Despite trying to keep a distance between you two, the bed is so small that your bodies brush against each other again. Steve ignores the way his pulse quickens, torn between maintaining his pride and wanting to press against you.

"Haven't you heard of space?" you bark.

"Like this is my fault, punk. Maybe if you stopped hogging the bed--"

"I'm not the one hogging the bed! I'm basically falling off the edge here."

"Oh, poor you. Cry me a river, princess. We're sharing a bed, which means we're going to be close. Get used to it."

"Don't you dare call me that!" you spat.

Steve grins at your irritation. "You're acting like one, all spoiled and demanding. Get over it."

You reach behind you to slap him lightly. "Hey! Watch it!" Steve yelps.

He rubs his shoulder dramatically as you roll your eyes and turn back around. The sting from the contact mixes with arousal and he lays there for a moment, trying to get a grip on his emotions and desires.

"You didn't have to slap me, you know," Steve grumbles.

"Yeah, I know. But I wanted to."

He huffs at your unapologetic response, not surprised that you've resorted to physical violence again when he gets on your nerves. "Yeah I can tell. You always gotta hit me whenever I get under your skin, do you?"

"Can you just shut up for once in your f*cking life?!" you say, exasperated.

Steve glares. "Oh, so now you're complaining about me being too loud? I can't win with you can, I? First it was too cocky, now too loud, what's next, huh?"

"God I hate you," you say.

"Well I hate you more, princess," he grumbles. Yet, deep down, there was an undeniable tension neither wanted to acknowledge.

"I told you not to call me that!" you say, frustrated.

Steve smirks at your indignation. "What, are you gonna slap me again if I call you princess? Go ahead, I dare you."

"Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you? I'm starting to think you might have a masochistic streak," you remark with a chuckle.

"Nah, I just like pissing you off. You're always mocking me, it's a wonder I haven't strangled you yet."

You roll your eyes, knowing he's probably enjoying getting a rise out of you. "Back at ya babe," you respond sarcastically.

Babe. The nickname sends a shiver through his body. Now that's a new level of mocking, he thinks, trying to keep up his annoyed façade. But it's getting harder to stay grumpy when you're being so casually infuriating.

Steve shifts a little on the bed, feeling his body press against yours even more. The sheets get twisted and tangled as they move, the fabric rubbing against his skin as he looks at the back of your head, your hair messy from sleep.

"You're really testing my patience tonight, you know that?" he says.

"You don’t think you are? I don’t know how I’m gonna put up with you till morning," you reply, your comment causing him to roll his eyes at your persistence.

"Oh, now you're acting like I'm the only one causing trouble here? You tied me up and gagged me earlier, remember? And now you're complaining about me being annoying? That's rich."

You can't help but chuckle. "Well we're stuck here together, like it or not.” And just my luck, you thought. Here with Mr. Perfect Hair.

Steve hates that you find this situation amusing. But at the same time, the sound of your laugh is kind of cute, even if it's at his expense. "Yeah, yeah, laugh it up. You think this is so funny, don't you?"

"Well it's way too easy to get you riled up."

"Yeah, well, you just make it too easy to be annoyed with you. You're like a damn mosquito, always buzzing around and biting me."

"A mosquito really? Running out of insults?"

"Oh, come on, you know I could insult you better than that. I'm just... sleepy. And frustrated. And annoyed. So, you know, cut me some slack, princess," he grumbles.

"I thought I told you not to-" You sigh. "You’re the princess here. A big one at that too."

"Excuse me?  You're the one being dramatic, who goes around slapping and tying people up like a damn psycho. Don't try to act like you're some saint." Steve's mind replays the memory of you binding and gagging him earlier, recalling how your body felt against his while you did it. He shakes the thought away, trying to focus on his anger instead.

Eventually, he just sighs. "Look, we’re stuck here. Can we just try to get through one night without biting each other’s heads off?”

You roll onto your back, staring up at the ceiling. “Maybe if you stopped acting like you’re better than everyone, it would be easier.”

“Better than— Are you serious?” He propped himself up on one elbow, looking down at you. “You don’t know anything about me.”

“I know enough,” you muttered, but your voice lacked its usual bite.

There was a moment of silence, a beat where neither of you spoke. Then, with a soft, almost resigned exhale, Steve lays back down.

“Maybe you’re right,” he said quietly. “But I’m trying, okay? I’m trying to be better.”

You turned your head to look at him, surprised by the vulnerability in his voice. For a moment, the facade dropped, and you saw the person beneath the bravado.

“Yeah, well… maybe I’m trying too,” you admitted, your voice barely above a whisper.

The tension between you shifted, softened. You roll onto your side again, grateful Steve hadn’t made some smart remark about you finally admitting you were in the wrong too.

He shifts a little, but freezes when he feels your back against his body, the contact making his breath hitch. His mind is a mess of conflicting emotions – irritation, frustration, desire. He tries to rein in his response, telling himself that he shouldn't be feeling this way about someone who annoys him so much.

You try to move away but it only gets worse -- your ass now pressing against him, making you blush.

Steve swears under his breath as a certain part of him reacts immediately. "Christ, can you move any further back? We're practically together here."

"I'm trying, goddamnit. Want me to fall off?!"

He swallows hard as he feels you wriggling around trying to move further away, the movement only serving to grind your body against his even more.  "Just… stop moving."

You sigh and stop moving, feeling an odd sense of disappointment, kinda missing the friction. No, what the f*ck, you mentally scold yourself.

Steve's back remains pressed against the wall while you're on the edge the bed. "You done moving around now? Can you just stay still for a second?"

Now you move again just out of spite and Steve inadvertently presses himself into you in all the wrong (and right) ways.

"Get away f*ckface," you say, your harsh words a stark contrast to the way your body is pressed against his. Yet you have no intention of changing your guys's current position.

"Get away? I'm literally pinned against the wall here. Not exactly much space for me to move, in case you haven't noticed," he says, but secretly grateful.

Steve shifts to find a more comfortable position but it results in him pressing even closer into you, making you nearly gasp. He feels your breathing getting shorter and your body trembling slightly, the tension building with each passing second.

"You're shaking," he says, the words coming out more like a whisper than he intended.

"I'm… just cold," you reply. Steve smirks and shifts even closer, if it was possible.

"What are you doing?" you whisper.

"Just uh, sharing the warmth. It’s not like I want you to catch a cold."

"Then why don't you give me more of that damn blanket," you say, pulling it off of him with a smirk.

He looks down, the cold air hitting his bare skin and making him realize he has nothing on but boxers. "Jesus, you could've warned me before taking away my only cover. Now I'm freezing."

"Deal with it," you say with a subtle glance over him.

He pulls the blanket back, covering himself up. "It'd be easier if we shared the damn thing," he mutters.

You huff. "Well why are you wearing f*cking boxers in the first place?!"

Steve grumbles in frustration. "I didn't exactly plan on sharing a bed with someone tonight okay? Let alone you. It's not like I knew I had to wear my warmest pajamas just in case."

You just roll your eyes and get up to close the window.

Steve watches you as you move, his eyes drifting down your body. "You're no better. You're practically naked." "It's not like I knew either!" you say, heating up now that you're aware of his gaze. You get back into bed and pull the covers over yourself.

"Seriously? Can you give me some of the damn blanket, at least? I'm freezing my ass off here."

"I just closed the window!" you say.

"Closing the damn window doesn't magically make the room warm, you know. I'm still cold."

You ignore him and roll over, glancing at the clock. "3am already? I would've kept sleeping if you didn't wake me up."

"Hey, you’re the one screaming and flailing around with that nightmare," he says looking at you, his irritation flaring up again.

"Like that's my fault? You weren't sleeping anyway!"

"Yeah, I wasn't sleeping because you're so damn noisy. Every move you make in your sleep makes this damn bed creak, and it's keeping me awake."

"Well just shut up okay? Or I'll-" "Or what huh? You'll slap me again? Nothing you do is gonna scare me, you know."

"Whatever. We need to sleep." You roll your eyes and try to get comfortable with Steve's proximity.

"Can you stop shifting around so damn much? You're making it impossible to sleep," he says.

"You're the one that’s all up on me!"

"Hey, it's not my fault we're stuck in this damn bed together." He shifts a little, feeling the heat radiating off of your body. "F*ck, you're making this so damn hard."

You snicker. "You're the one who's hard."

He rolls his eyes, embarrassed at your observation even though he tried to hide it from you. "Shut up. It's not like I can control that."

"Well it's f*cking weird. Get it away from me."

"You think I don't know that? I can't exactly just will it away, you know."

You want to make a flirty comment about helping him out but stop yourself in time. Instead, you roll over in hopes it's better but it only makes it worse as your fronts now press together.

Steve can feel each of your breaths and it only strengthens his desire. "God this is not helping. This position is even worse than the last one."

"You think I don't know that?"

He shifts and his erection unknowingly rubs against your stomach, sending a jolt of pleasure through him. "Jesus, this is torture."

"You don't say," you grumble. Your body feels like it's on fire from being this close to him.

"Can you just... I don't know, stop breathing so heavily or something? You're making me insane," he says.

"Oh you want me to stop breathing now?"

Steve huffs. "No, smartass, I mean stop breathing so damn loudly. You sound like you just ran a marathon or something."

"I’m breathing normally, you’re just annoyed for no reason," you say in denial.

"No you're not, you're breathing like you just sprinted up a mountain or something. It's driving me crazy."

"You’re the one who keeps squirming around!" you say.

Steve heats up in embarrassment. "Well it's not exactly easy to get comfortable with you pressed up against me like this."

You try to move back a little but it just causes more friction. Steve holds back a moan by biting his lip. "Stop moving, jeez."

He realizes as you move away that you're about to slip out of the bed. "Hey, careful," he says, quickly reaching out to grab you, his hand grabbing your hip to pull you back from the edge, closer to him.

His hand on your hip makes your body react in ways you can't control. "Why do you care anyway? Thought you wanted me to sleep on the floor."

"I just don't want you falling out and cracking your head open or something, okay? It would be a pain in the ass having to call an ambulance in the middle of the night."

"Right." You roll your eyes. "Cause that would ruin your nonexistent sleep."

"It's not like it's easy to sleep when you keep tossing and turning like you're having a damn seizure or something," he replies. Steve keeps his grip firm on your hip, acutely aware of the feel of your skin beneath his fingertips. He tells himself to let go but his hand somehow doesn't move. He can feel his willpower slipping away as he looks at you, your face so close he can almost count every individual lash on your eyelids.

Your pulse quickens as his hand subconsciously tightens on you, fingers slightly digging into your flesh. "What are you doing dude? I'm not falling off the bed anymore, jeez."

Steve knows he's been holding on to you way longer than necessary and snaps out of his thoughts by your voice. "Yeah, I know, I was just… making sure, okay?" He winces at how obvious he's being and lets go, seeing faint marks on your skin that his fingers left and realizing he's been gripping your hip like his life depends on it.

He feels a surge of embarrassment and guilt at unintentionally hurting you. "Sorry… I didn't mean to grip you so hard."

"Harrington apologizing? That's a first," you say, secretly wishing he hadn't let you go.

He was about to say something smartass in response but he gets distracted when he catches the way your teeth bite into your lip. Steve swallows hard, his throat suddenly feeling dry as he thinks about what it would be like to kiss you. He leans in just a fraction of an inch closer…

"Steve?"

He pulls away, the sound of his name on your lips reminding him of the fact you're supposed to be enemies. "What?" he says gruffly.

His sudden distance jolts you out of your very similar thoughts. You hate him, you tell yourself. "Nothing."

"Then shut up and go to sleep."

"I'm trying. You're the one grabbing me."

"Gee, sorry for trying to be a decent human being."

"For once," you retort sarcastically.

"Yeah well, at least I'm not some stubborn ass punk-ass chick who never shuts up and pisses me off all the goddamn time."

"Just go to sleep goddamnit," you say, filled with frustration.

"Fine. I will. It’ll be nice not having to hear your annoying voice for once," he says, rolling over, and turning his back to you. "And you better not keep moving around like a damn fish out of water."

"You're one to talk," you reply and shut your eyes.

Steve closes his eyes as well but as the minutes drag on, neither of you can sleep. His mind kept replaying the moment he'd been holding your hip. He turns and tries to remind himself of all the reasons he shouldn't be thinking about you like this -- the fights, the insults, the fact you're enemies. But he can't get his mind off of your body, the way your thighs press together as you shift around, the smooth expanse of your skin… his resolve weakened with each moment.

You sigh, realizing you could not sleep at all like this, and open your eyes, a little startled to see Steve's staring right back.

Steve feels a jolt of surprise when your eyes meet his, he hadn't realized you were awake and feels a little embarrassed to be caught staring. Still, it was impossible for him to look away.

The hint of light from between the blinds catches in Steve's brown irises and you stare at the way they reflect the moonlight. His gaze feels like a physical touch, making you shiver involuntarily.

"What are you doing?" he whispers, his heart pounding in his chest.

"What are you doing?"

"I uh… couldn't sleep."

"Me either," you say, your eyes traveling down the stretch of bare skin, seeing the dots of moles and freckles on his neck and chest that you long to taste.

"What… what are you looking at?" he says a little shakily despite trying to keep his voice steady. He can feel his muscles tense under your scrutiny.

You look away. "Nothing. Jesus, can't you put a shirt on?"

"What, is my bare chest bothering you?" he smirks, knowing you like what you see but are stubborn as usual.

"Ew, yes. Your hairy chest is gross as f*ck and you keep touching me with it."

"Oh you're so dramatic, it's not gross. You just have bad taste," he says, shifting closer so his chest brushes against yours again.

You fake gag and try to move away but Steve grabs your waist, amused by your exaggerated reaction. "Relax, it's just hair. It's not like it will bite you," he says with a chuckle. "Besides, you're gonna fall off if you keep moving back."

You don't say anything as he pulls you closer to him, his thumb rubbing small circles on the soft skin there. "You really are terrible at staying still, you know that?"

Steve squeezes your waist a little tighter, enjoying how you squirm against him. His fingers move down to edge the fabric of your shirt, slipping under to run along your stomach teasingly.

"And you talk too much, you know that?" you whisper lowly in response, pressing your hips up against his.

"Why don't you shut me up then?" he whispers against your ear.

"Is that a challenge?' You say with a smirk, not waiting for a response as you roll on top of him in one quick motion, your mouth hovering just above his. Steve's face is flushed with surprise at the sudden movement and you capture his lips in a rough, possessive kiss.

-

chapter 3 (smut warning) here