#this wound up summing up the whole thing

[runawaycarouselhorse]

[CW: character death (animal and human), mention of natural disasters and firearms, major spoilers [this is basically a synopsis until the end?], etc. + Unico and Chirin no Suzu tags are only there because tonally, very similar to Unico and visually, very similar to Chirin!! I think fans of those would enjoy this, but don't read this whole post, it spoils it.]

"To the little fox, the place where he could see the deep red camellias, was the same as being in his mother's warm embrace."

And in the first few minutes, we see a red camella "behead" itself (they're considered omens of short life, but noble death, because of this)--his mother sacrifices herself to a hunting dog and Gon's view of her is obscured by the flowers and butterflies. But he hears the gunshot.

Its only the first four minutes and now I already know we have at least two more characters dying. This is gonna hurt. ;__;

Before the last flower falls, lightning destroys Gon's home and burns the camellia. His home is gone and Gon fully understands his mother will never return.

He tries, unsucessfully, to hunt, and nearly drowns (although it's all animated very sweetly and brightly, with light music, so it doesn't feel too distressing)--the river carries him to a human village, where he steals from a kind farmer (Hyoju) with a sickly old mother.

Gon is happier and well-fed in the village and farmer Hyoju names him Gon, thinking he has kind eyes (although Gon scratched his face in fright when he found him eating from his crops!), and pities him for losing his mother young.

Gon, on the other hand, feels bitter that someone as big as Hyoju keep saying "ma, ma, ma" because he lost his own mother and has to be strong all on his own so little.

Young Gon mimics the humans, he has no foxes to learn from. His mimicry is also his way of playing little pranks on people. He mimics a blacksmith, a pregnant woman, and others… while the mimicking a big belly story amused the other villagers when Yasuke (the pregnant woman's husband) retells it, he's quite angry because his wife nearly miscarried from fright… Yasuke wants to kill the fox!

Gentle Hyoju and the other villagers try to calm Yasuke down. It's the annual festival, forgive him, he's only a child! Yasuke relents, but insults Hyoju, blaming this for why he hasn't married yet (in reality, Hyoju is putting off marriage to care for his sick mother...) saying Hyoju's father would lament to see his son like this. Hyoju's father is never shown and is presumably dead, as only he cares for his ailing mother.

(We never saw the hunter who shot Gon's mother...)

Gon continues his days and it's fun watching him mimic and steal bits of food.

One of my favourite parts is when he tries chilli peppers for the first time, eating too many at once, before the spice kicks in, and then, he rushes to water. He's shocked humans can eat such things and the fox declares humans must be bakemono (monsters, literally: changed beings... much like the transforming kitsune in folklore!)

But one day, he sees a red spider lily (red amaryliss, higanbana, the red funeral flower and symbol of death and rebirth), pauses because it's a red flower (like the tsubaki/camillias that surrounded his home, which he associated with his mother's care)... a lightning storm happens and when lightning strikes and causes a fire, this triggers a flashback and Gon sees the shadow of butterflies and his dead mother... so he had seen her, but perhaps repressed the memory until now. ;_;

Gon's screaming and then trying, desperately, to cheer himself up by singing and dancing as he saw the humans do at the festival, with his voice cracking, was so sad...

Later, Hyoju is fishing and captures an eel for his mother. This was her only wish and the eel is believed to grant vitality.

... Gon steals the eel and the normally gentle Hyoju becomes quite insistent and persistent in chasing Gon, but still calls him "Gon."

Gon escapes, but as it kept twining around his neck, he didn't want anything to do with the eel anymore and threw it on the ground, where it died.

... Hyoju's mother also died.

Gon wonders where all the people have gone, initially thinking they might be at some festival where he might find food, but realizes when he finds the villagers at Hyoju's home... that his mother had died. He comes to realize the eel was for his sick mother and blames himself.

Gon's conscience torments him and he decides to atone by bringing Hyoju food in secret, although he causes trouble for him the first time by stealing fish from a merchant. After that, he only picks mushrooms and shells chestnuts for him, pricking his paws with the spikes in the process. Hyoju doesn't know who keeps bringing him chestnuts, but while discussing it with another villager, they decide it's a blessing because of his care for his mother.

(Gon is a little annoyed not to get any credit for it, but he keeps doing it in secret anyway!)

One day, Yasuke (the one who keeps insulting Hyoju for his gentle nature) brings Hyoju a gift: an eel! It's hard to get, so he gets offended, understandably, when Hyoju becomes suddenly very angry and irate and tells him he hates eel and to take it away, but it's still very selfish and self-centered of Yasuke to get angry and then, in yet another low blow, insult Hyoju ("You call yourself the son of a hunter?!"), never considering Hyoju's feelings and only mocking him for them, when his gift triggered him. He doesn't know, most likely, about Hyoju's mother's final wish, but I just don't like Yasuke's character... the eel and Yasuke's words have both pushed the ordinarily gentle Hyoju to the brink and he goes for his father's weapon.

The next time he sees Gon, quietly sneaking around (unbeknownst to Hyoju, bringing him more chestnuts...), Hyoju aims and fires.

The red spider lilies' petals scatter, blown into the air. Gon falls. We watch children swipe at the red spider lilies and play and dance around, but their voices and sounds are silenced, before they all go out of view.

Hyoju approaches Gon, already regretting killing him, the words from the festival, his words and the other villagers, trying to reason with Yasuke to prevent him from killing the young fox, play back in his mind...

And then, Hyoju sees the chestnuts, and realizes it was Gon who was bringing him food all along.

So, while the colours were beautiful and the natural scenery and the village were all so beautiful (even in this faded transfer, but if we had it somehow restored to its original colours, I'm sure it would be even more beautiful!)... the middle is genuinely enchanting, funny, and sweet (it'd easily captivate small children, I think!), but with a sad beginning and a heartbreaking ending, and with its heavier themes, might be better suited for older kids. Either way, it was lovely.

[thegoatsongs]

Dracula Declarations of Love

There is so much love, and so much talk of love, in this book. It's extremely hard to pick a favorite, but let's give it a go (or just get emotional over a bunch of quotes lined up together).

I tried to stick mostly to declarations/talk about (rather than acts of) love, primarily to focus on specific quotes and help me narrow it down to just twelve (still a big challenge). Before anyone asks, no, "I too can love" is not on here because Dracula's version of love doesn't stack up to the others for me in terms of emotional impact. And these were definitely chosen by my personal preference of specific quotes; there are a bunch of other great words of love that didn't make it in. Also, important note - this is not exclusively romantic love by any means.

The whole quotes don't fit in the poll, so please read below before you vote.

Full Quotes:

11 May, Lucy: "Oh, Mina, couldn't you guess? I love him. I am blushing as I write, for although I think he loves me, he has not told me so in words. But oh, Mina, I love him; I love him; I love him!"

24 May, Quincey: "If that other fellow doesn't know his happiness, well, he'd better look for it soon, or he'll have to deal with me. Little girl, your honesty and pluck have made me a friend, and that's rarer than a lover; it's more unselfish anyhow."

19 August, Mina: "I have cried over the good Sister's letter till I can feel it wet against my bosom, where it lies. It is of Jonathan, and must be next my heart, for he is in my heart. [...] I must write no more; I must keep it to say to Jonathan, my husband. The letter that he has seen and touched must comfort me till we meet."

24 August, Jonathan and Mina: "Then he took my hand in his, and oh, Lucy, it was the first time he took his wife's hand, and said that it was the dearest thing in all the wide world, and that he would go through all the past again to win it, if need be. [...] Well, my dear, what could I say? I could only tell him that I was the happiest woman in all the wide world, and that I had nothing to give him except myself, my life, and my trust, and that with these went my love and duty for all the days of my life."

24 August, Mina: "Lucy dear, do you know why I tell you all this? It is not only because it is all sweet to me, but because you have been, and are, very dear to me. It was my privilege to be your friend and guide when you came from the schoolroom to prepare for the world of life. I want you to see now, and with the eyes of a very happy wife, whither duty has led me; so that in your own married life you too may be all happy as I am. My dear, please Almighty God, your life may be all it promises: a long day of sunshine, with no harsh wind, no forgetting duty, no distrust. I must not wish you no pain, for that can never be; but I do hope you will be always as happy as I am now."

7 September, Arthur: '"What can I do?" asked Arthur hoarsely. "Tell me, and I shall do it. My life is hers, and I would give the last drop of blood in my body for her."'

17 September, Mina: "Jonathan asks me to send his 'respectful duty,' but I do not think that is good enough from the junior partner of the important firm Hawkins & Harker; and so, as you love me, and he loves me, and I love you with all the moods and tenses of the verb, I send you simply his 'love' instead."

30 September, Mina and Arthur: '"I loved dear Lucy, and I know what she was to you, and what you were to her. She and I were like sisters; and now she is gone, will you not let me be like a sister to you in your trouble? I know what sorrows you have had, though I cannot measure the depth of them. If sympathy and pity can help in your affliction, won't you let me be of some little service—for Lucy's sake?" [...] "I know now how I suffered," he said, as he dried his eyes, "but I do not know even yet—and none other can ever know—how much your sweet sympathy has been to me to-day. I shall know better in time; and believe me that, though I am not ungrateful now, my gratitude will grow with my understanding. You will let me be like a brother, will you not, for all our lives—for dear Lucy's sake?"'

3 October, Jonathan: '"Nonsense, Mina. It is a shame to me to hear such a word [unclean]. I would not hear it of you; and I shall not hear it from you. May God judge me by my deserts, and punish me with more bitter suffering than even this hour, if by any act or will of mine anything ever come between us!" He put out his arms and folded her to his breast; and for a while she lay there sobbing."

3 October, Jonathan: "To one thing I have made up my mind: if we find out that Mina must be a vampire in the end, then she shall not go into that unknown and terrible land alone. I suppose it is thus that in old times one vampire meant many; just as their hideous bodies could only rest in sacred earth, so the holiest love was the recruiting sergeant for their ghastly ranks."

11 October, Mina: "You are nearest and dearest and all the world to me; our souls are knit into one, for all life and all time."

31 October, Mina: "We are truly in the hands of God. He alone knows what may be, and I pray Him, with all the strength of my sad and humble soul, that He will watch over my beloved husband; that whatever may happen, Jonathan may know that I loved him and honoured him more than I can say, and that my latest and truest thought will be always for him."

[mimicha-arts]

LC - YINGDU EP1 SPOILERS, TW - blood, death scenes

Yeah I logged in just for LC to sum up things in my DMs with Forest (love u), mostly about dives.

Still have too many ideas about how mechanics actually work, as well as abilities transmigration, so I'll focus on differences of dives and some things from previous seasons.

Scene with Vein.

In my understanding, the opening scene already includes 2 different developments of events.

1, where CXS, after being wounded, was led by LG into the room, while Vein went to pick up the gun. We see bloody footprints, traces on the table, but that's all.

2, where Vein is already standing at the closed door, clearly shows other events - a chair, other objects scattered on the floor, according to the blood prints, the body seemed to have been dragged + there are no prints on the tabletop.

What is also interesting is that the background is slightly different in both scenes, if you pay attention to the shelves on the left.

There is a difference in the photos too - the first version shows only a crack, the second - a broken glass.

For me, the conclusion is that already here we see 2 different timelines.

Lu Guang's injury

In the first option, although Vein shoots at the door, he misses (time ~ 23:11), Lu Guang closes the door and is not injured

So , missing scene

We don't know what happened for about an hour. In the second version (cause it has stains on the floor, overturned things), the blood on the photo already speaks of the not shown scene. I doubt that Vein simply changed his mind and left, so Lu Guang had to "deal with" him.

At this point, he himself is deeply wounded, but the most important thing is that in these shots we are shown his yellow eyes - this is already a dive in a dive, some kind of repetition of the events.

s2ep12

At the same time, this drive is different from the drive that was shown in the second season.

The blood pattern on his clothes is similar, but even if we exclude the fact that he doesn't look out of breath/in pain, there are other details.

- blood stains on his face - furnishings, of objects on the table - blood on hands (by the way, in the scene with Vein, when he raised his hands in front of him, both of his hands were covered in blood)

Lu Guang's watch

For us as viewers, the watch on his right hand is a familiar part of the design, he wears it on his right hand in both s1 and s2

So, after diving, the first thing he tries to do is check the time, and looks at his right hand.

We still don't know the origin of his watch, since he didn't wear them in almost all the flashbacks. Except for the new one, where the watch is on his left hand.

Thus, Yingdu gives us a new diving point - April 12th (in addition to the dives on September 13).

Maybe the time of this dive will correlate with the time indicated in s2 (but with which there were no associated events)

Except for the poster, the watch on Lu Guang's left hand appeared in the flashback of CXS's death in s2, which probably separates this variant of his death from the ones shown in the scene with Vein, and perhaps the difference can give us insight into the timeline's chronologies later on.

September and April

To be honest, this whole thing makes me very excited, because of the existence of the old theory about the broken time in April and September - I wrote about it in detail a year ago in that post

Emma, April-September and chronology

For me, this means that circumstances of the case, who the unknown victim was, although they have faded into the background now, will still be a key.

Pretty sure this has all been discussed, but thanks for reading. Let's all… have fun with the new season ~

[cokou]

What OP Men post about you on Reddit

OP 男性があなたについて Reddit に投稿するもの。

𝑴𝒖𝒍𝒕𝒊 𝑪𝒉𝒂𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝑭𝒊𝒄

sum. Your boyfriend posted about you on reddit. ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ tw. NSFW ON KIDDS PART! Fluff overall! ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ a/n. Im sorry for so late uploads, i got sick once again😭😭😭 // Do not translate or transfer any of my works, this is my only account (exp. AO3) will not be cross posted anywhere else. // Masterlist

r/NSFW Eustass.Kidd

I (25 M) fucked my girlfriend (24 F) so hard that i had to get her into the hospital to get a medical treatment on her cervix.

The doctors told us that everything was wounded up inside her and it looked like she got abused from her lacked of walking, we had to get police involved in our house to investigate what had happened and found the dildo i used on her and it was examined on their lab for any contaminated illness.

My girlfriend refuses to see me from how bad her state had gotten and the police interogated me to make that everything was okay at home. My best friend had gotten involved from how bad my girlfriend couldn't walk and had to assure that I wasn't abusing anyone to the police, it took 3 days for them to fully give out on the case.

My girlfriend had been discharged from the hospital 2 days ago and she still refuses to talk to me, i got her flowers for apology and her favorite food as an apology. She told me that she could take all of me in bed and now everything just went downhill since i got out of control in her.

Now everyone of my friends teases me about what happened and they laughed me off every time they see me, Reddit what should i do?

Comments;

Her problem dude, she said she could take it!

You're at fault for taking her word at all. ➣ Eustass.Kidd replied: fuck off single mf.

—

r/girlfriends Msxr.Kill

My girlfriend (24 F) and I (26 M) have been dating for almost 5 years now, tomorrow will be our 5th anniversary and I'm planning to propose to her, but the problem is I don't know how. My brain can't take so much ideas so much and my friends aren't helping me at all.

My girlfriend is the most precious person ever, and i believe she deserves the best in the world. My ideas can't convince me enough that they're good for her, and what if she doesn't like it and rejects me? I don't want that. I asked her bestfriend on what places she especially loves, and I was told to take her on an aquarium proposal.

I don't know what to do and my girlfriend is making me all nervous around her as well, i need help ASAP.

Comments;

Eustass.Kidd: Just tell her to marry you wtf ➣Msxr.Kill replied: You're not helping at all Kidd.

Heat_er: You suck at planning lol. ➣Msxr.Kill replied: Heat I don't wanna hear that from you, you don't even have anyone to love.

—

r/AITA Dr._Trafalgar

Am i the asshole for kicking out my girlfriend from my office?

I, (26 M) kicked my girlfriend (24 F) out of my office because she knocked off all the papers off my shelves and dragged me out forcefully. Now she refuses to talk to me and it's been 2 days. My friends told me that i was the asshole and was wrong for kicking her out.

But the thing was those papers were almost 592 pages and i only ended up finding 578 of them, now my girl moved to her friends house and absolutely doesn't answer my calls or text messages.

Her friends texted me that i was the asshole for not spending time with her and paid attention all to myself only not her needs, the papers were worth so much that i could feed her and let us both live together financially, and now i was forced to redo all 592 pages in A WEEK.

so am i the asshole?

Comments;

Your.name: Yes yta🙄 ➣Dr._Trafalgar replied: get your ass home.

—

r/girlfriends Chef_Sanjii

My girl is the best in the whole wide world, she's do beautiful, so pretty, so perfect, and every thing she does hypnotizes me. Her beautiful nature makes me inlove with her more every second, her intelligence for everything makes her so special, she is not like any other women ever.

In fact, she is the best in the whole whole world. Not only does her pretty face shine in the darkness, but the way her body sways when she walks or does something is so majestic. I'm so lucky to have such a girlfriend like this, and i know that she will always love forever.

The way she interacts with even the smallest things are cute, in fact all of her is cute. The way her hands hold something and it shows that her body is perfect in every inch. She's none like others, no one can ever EVER compare to my girl, one day i will marry her and see her on the aisle and i wouldnt be able to hold my tears as she walks in a wedding dress.

Her facial features resembles a goddess, she trurly is flawless. No matter what anyone says, she'll be the most MOST perfect woman in the whole entire world. I love love her so much, she's the best that ever happened to me. Her love melts me warm and her words make me putty on her hands.

It's safe to say that she too, loves me, and that our relationship definitely is mutual. Love her so much.

Post was liked by Msxr.Kill & 7,251 others.

—

r/wifey Kuz._an

My wife's cooking is terrible but I don't wanna tell her that and destroy her feelings.

My wife and I had been married for almost 9 years now, she cooks for me daily ever since we have moved in together. Her cooking used to be good, but for some reason it tastes like burnt ketchup over burnt cheese. It looks appealing to look, but the tastes seems to be missed.

Her seasonings are full of bell pepper and black pepper, it terribly sucks. I love my wife to the fullest, but when it comes to her cooking, It feels like I'm on a prison cell. I'm sorry My Love, it's the truth.

Comments;

Unknown: Being honest is his forte. Unknown: COMMENT DELETED Unknown: Atleast your wife tries. Unknown: COMMENT DELETED

©Cokou 2024, all works belongs to me.

[asocialangel]

pervy boyfriends

bllk boys who would –in my humble opinion– be pretty pervy towards their s/o. 

Shidou, Isagi, Karasu headcanons (low-key nsfw), i tried to be gender neutral but maybe it’s a bit more catered towards afab/fem reader for the Isagi part. 

ꕥ

Shidou:

Let’s stats by the most obvious of em all 

He is OPENLY and PROUDLY an OFFICIAL PERV

Let’s call it as it is

We haven't seen him talk about lovers canonly yet but i feel like he’d be a monster

This man is ALWAYS making dirty jokes to you

About you mostly 

Oh and public or not, he doesn't care, he if thought of something, you best believe he gon say it, regardless of whether your dad is around. 

He takes a sick pleasure in exposing your kinks to the whole word, especially ones you’ve told him you’re embarrassed about 

He likes it specifically when he says something in a public setting just loud enough so you will never know for sure if people heard him or not

Likes does his team’s goalkeeper know that you like being choked or not ?? You will never be sure ! (And it's not like you're gonna ask him) 

You never really heard it for yourself but you’re quite sure he talks about your sex life to his friends 

Cause multiple times they came up to you and made a joke that was suspiciously real 

“haha Y/N did you have a cat attack your boyfriend’s back ??” “Y/N can you help me out for next week’s anime convention ? I heard you’re quite good at cosplaying”

You even received a leash from a secret santa (you don't have a dog ???)

You’ve tried to ask him about it once, he jokingly said yes, so you never sure he actually meant it 

But you’re scared that if you ask too much he gon make it worse. 

Mind you Shidou is not just an asshole that crosses your boundaries. You had actually told him you were actually kinda into people low key knowing you’re a freak. But you could never say it yourself. So he’s actually nice and thoughtful to his s/o here. 

So yah let's say Shidou is not ashamed to explain to people what his position he likes you in

Also it’s almost obvious atp but he likes dirty talking in uncomfy places cause he knows it takes you very little to get you started, so he’s there getting you horny in the middle of applebees like… 

He likes telling you all the things he’d do to you once you're back home. 

He also often shares the details of how hard he was in the shower this morning thinking about you and how he chose to wait until you guys could do it cause he felt it would be a shame to waste his “precious cum” (his words) anywhere but “your pretty body” (again his words). 

So as I said, certified unashamed pervy boyfriend.

ꕥ

Isagi:

Now I think this would be an unpopular opinion because everyone and their dad headcanons Isagi as “a sweet caring innocent boyfriend 🥺” and while I agree that is true, he is multifaceted to me. 

To me, he would also be extremely pervy to his s/o, but unbeknownst to them. 

Like the minute you’re turning your back to him, he’s staring fouly at your ass

If you bend down to grab sum, he will not bother to look under your skirt that lifts up or your exposed cleavage. 

But again, he will only do it when he knows you can’t see him. 

He likes watching you doing the most innocent things and adding a double meaning to it in his head

Like you eating a skewer will be something far more dirty in his mind and you whining at the antiseptic on your wound is, in another setting, something way sexier. 

So everytime you see him smile at casual things you do, like getting on your knees to tie your shoelaces, you think wow he loves me so much, but truth is yes he loves you that much, actually way more. 

Isagi will always make the most far fetched double entendres to you, knowing damn well you’re too innocent and maybe head in the clouds to ever get it

So he says it, sees you agree mindlessly, and smiles to himself.

I’m telling you he’s an undercover perv.

Some of his dirty minded friends that have, they too, experience in that field, will sometimes get these double meanings he tells you and chuckle at his reaction to your non reaction. 

Unlike you, THEY know he’s toying with you and tbf they also find it quite cute

Isagi is not the type to put out all your sex life to his friends tho. But sometimes, just sometimes, he will (again) make innuendos about things you’re good at, like doing or like receiving.

But again, when he says it it's with a straight face. 

So his friends are never sure that he actually did mean what he said or if that innuendo was a pure coincidence. 

He just smiles smugly to himself

Also final addition: he knows your weak spots and he plays witit. 

Like he knows you're quite sensitive so he purposefully places the coffee grounds on the top shelf to see you struggle, have you jump around to see it jiggle, watch your shirt lift up and inevitably come to your help by grabbing said item from behind, basically squeezing you between him and the counter, pressing his dick into your ass, knowing damn well that’s enough to have you blush and moan.

But as always, you just think to yourself that he's so nice to help you, and you're so sensitive for reacting to a simple thing. 

ꕥ

Karasu:

let’s not forget about this pretty boy cause i feel we ALL know he can be so pervy…

To me, this boy is always, ALWAYS touching you 

He alwaysss has a hand on you like at all times TT

Saying hello ? Good morning kiss

He tries to find you in public ? When he sees you he’s gonna make himself known by laying a hand on your hip

He won a match ? You know already he’ll grab your ass when he finds you. 

He does not care about decency or whatever that social construct is: 

If he wants to feel you up, he will. 

Don’t care if his teammates are taunting him, if your friends are here, if a camera is filming

He likes the feeling of your skin on his, knowing you’re real cause he can feel it, feel the friction and the heat 

And he also likes knowing you’ll always be available for him, lending him a kiss whenever he asks for one

He should know by now you're never gonna say no, cause you love him so much, but he’s always looking to be reassured that you are his. 

So with Karasu, it does not stop at hand holding when you're going out

More like, hand holding, stroking your ass, kissing you passionately then placing his hand on your chin, smiling and walking again like normal until five meters further he wants to feel your waist. 

Mind you you tried to tell him this was not socially okay, being so explicit on PDA. His answer ?

Says who ? It’s not like people don't know where to be together. I dont think I'm breaking news to them that we get physical if I kiss you in public. 

“Babe, this is not about the kiss on my cheeks in public. I’m talking about you stretching my shirt collar to look at my cleavage while you’re on half time and a whole literal stadium is looking at you”. 

“What, you want to keep it a secret that I smack you ass naked when I win ?” “Well yeah that's kinda exactly what i'm saying” “Useless to bother hiding, they must know already” 

BUT THEY KNOW CAUSE HE WON’T STOP BEING SO HIGH KEY IN PUBLIC. 

So yeah when I say he’s a perv I mean he won’t bother to wait till behind closed doors. He will whisper in your hearts while grabbing your waist from behind no matter if you are in the middle of ordering coffee. 

At least you’re sue he loves you and won’t mind letting others know

ꕥ

A/N: yayyy this came up to me as i was falling asleep, Isagi staring relentlessly as your ass the second you turn around and then thought yeah he'd defo not be the only pervy bf in bllk. Hope u like it~~ still have many more things to write.

[motleyfam]

Living with a houseful of nocturnal crime-fighting vigilantes means that Duke’s come to expect a certain amount of solitude in the mornings—particularly on weekends, when even Alfred is rarely seen before ten—which is why he’s more than a little thrown when he enters the Cave at 6:30 on a Saturday to find Tim sitting up on one of the beds in the medical unit. He’s hugging his knees, forehead resting against them, keeping so still that for a moment Duke isn’t sure if he’s awake or asleep.

“Uh...Tim?” he says cautiously as he approaches the cot. “Are you okay? Do I need to call someone?”

“Nah…” Tim mumbles into his knees. “‘M fine. Just psyching myself up.”

“What exactly are you psyching yourself up for?” He takes in Tim’s unnatural pallor, the sheen of sweat on his face. “You didn’t get hurt on patrol last night, did you?”

Tim huffs out a breathy laugh. “Didn’t even patrol last night.”

Duke frowns. “Why not?” Friday night is prime time for the Bats; the entire night shift is on the roster (except for Steph, who thanks to some horrible luck with her college registrar was forced to take an eight a.m. sociology class on Saturdays).

“Benched, remember?” Releasing his legs, Tim tugs the sleeve of his oversized sweatshirt up just enough to reveal the gauze wrapped around his left hand.

Duke winces as it all comes flooding back to him. Three nights ago, he and Tim had been loading the dishwasher after dinner when Tim had accidentally dropped a salad plate. He’d tried to catch it mid-air, but the plate had hit the edge of the counter, shattering on impact and leaving him clutching a six-inch shard of broken china instead. The slice to his palm had required five sutures.

“Did you rip your stitches or something?” Duke asks.

Another huff of air—the ghost of a laugh. “No, but I’m about to.”

At Duke’s puzzled look, Tim sighs and explains, “I uh, woke up about an hour ago feeling kinda lousy.” A shiver runs through him. “Like, feverish lousy.”

“Shit,” Duke says, grimacing. Regardless of how careful they are with cleaning and dressing Tim’s wounds, his immunocompromised state will always put him at an increased risk of developing infections. He’d had three last year alone.

“Yeah,” Tim agrees with a tired sigh. He looks down at his gauze-wrapped hand again and grimaces. “Just psyching myself up to deal with it. ‘M kinda nauseous.”

“So…just to check if I’ve got this straight, your plan was to come down here alone, cut your own stitches, debride an infected wound, and redo the whole thing—all while running a fever and trying not to puke?”

“Uh…” Tim rubs awkwardly at the back of his neck. “That about sums it up, yeah.”

There’s a beat of silence between them.

Duke lets out a heavy sigh. “Alright.” He heads for the sink. “Just give me a minute to scrub in…”

[ruruvxz]

hello! new reader here. i think hanni would write romantic love songs!

“My Dearest Clementine”

Hanni Pham x fem!reader

↳ synopsis: You and your overachieving (ex)girlfriend broke up, but little did you know, she still hasn't gotten over her little clementine. And what's better than food to get into a woman's heart? A good serenade.

↳ cw: foul mouth reader, reader once again is lowkey so mean, breakup, established relationship, comfort, fluff

↳ word count: 2.1k

a/n: omg my first ever anon, im tweaking out, but i agree she definitely would make/cover love songs about reader. and she’d put her whole heart into the performances too… she’s such a cutie pie nfgagggghhhhhh fun fact this was originally a jihyo fic but then i thought really hard, and decided on not making it about her. oh and this is song is clementine by grant perez heheheheh

Skimming through the channels, you really couldn't help but be so agitated by everyone broadcasting this god-awful music show. "God, do these people only watch one thing, and why does it have to be music shows of all things?" You huffed to yourself, whilst aggressively mashing the poor remote. To be honest you'd be the first one to admit that you did enjoy all the award shows and music festivals. Hell, you've even been to your fair share, but do all these channels have to screen the same thing?

It's been the same MAMA award show on almost every channel, even networks that talked about important news, couldn't help but talk about it. Almost as if there wasn't anything else of importance to speak about, making your blood boil even more at the thought.

However, your visceral hatred for music programs wasn't always like this, well, not before at least. You used to adore watching the latest performances, always admiring the work put into performing on stage. It came to the point where you'd buy tickets for venues near your apartment. Despite not always recognizing everyone performing, you'd always sit through every performance, all the while waiting for that one special person to take the stage. Embarrassingly your true intentions were to go watch your then-girlfriend, Hanni, and cheer her on from the sidelines.

That was before, and now, the one who you called your one true love, had just recently shattered your heart into pieces because of work.

All the memories of her loving presence came back flooding into your mind, like how she'd escape practice using Minji's help just to find herself wrapped around your arms. Everything was just too much, the fact she would leave you to save face just enraged you further. "Argh! I am not about to reopen old wounds! Leave me alone you— minx!" You yelled at the screen, before throwing profanity after profanity, like some madwoman trying to stop the voices in her head. At this point, your neighbors were on the verge of sending a wellness check to the apartment.

Your rage was at a tipping point when you saw her gorgeous face popping up on the screen. You held up the remote, ready to shatter the poor television by projectile throwing the remote at the screen. It wasn't until your phone started vibrating erratically that snapped you out of your female rage. Holding your hand out and snatching the phone from the coffee table, you put the speaker to your ear.

"Yeah? Who is this?" You asked curiously, taking a mental note of how the caller's number looked eerily familiar, summing it up to being a coworker.

"Hey, I know we aren't close, but my friend needs a favor." The woman on the other side spoke with a soft and soothing voice, it sounded familiar, though the loud sounds of chanting made it hard to decipher who was on the other end. Thinking for a moment, you took your gaze out from the phone and to the television screen, biting your teeth as you saw New Jeans without Hanni nor Danielle. Sighing in relief you didn't have to see your stunningly aggravating ex-girlfriend.

Still reminiscing about all the times she's carefully and delicately peeled various fruits for you to eat without you even asking. You started to drift off thinking of ways to get her back, before snapping out of your pitiful daydreams, just to respond to the woman on the phone. "Uhm, not to sound round or anything, but who is this? I mean I'd love to do you a favor but—" You rightfully questioned, since this was just such a perplexing thing to ask someone, especially since you had no memory of them.

"Listen I’m…a friend of a friend...?" She spoke unsurely.

"Look, I'm really busy at the moment, I've got a maximum of 30 seconds before the next song starts..." The woman spoke, while you sat there still trying to puzzle together who she was. "It's just, my friend REALLY—" she exasperated the 'really' as much as her voice could. "Wants you to watch the MAMA performance today."

"What... I'm sorry, with all due respect, that's such an odd demand. I must emphasize that I don't know you, and you're not making the effort to state who you are." You commanded at the mic before the call closed, the woman on the other end not wanting to argue with you.

Before you could interrogate me further, the speakers connected to the television erupted loudly with my nose, the screams and praises abundantly clear. And of all the songs it could blast powerfully loud, it was "How Sweet" by NewJeans, but all that you could notice was Danielle throwing the phone to one of the staff before her muscle memory pushed through. (And that Hanni, who was previously sitting perfectly fine with the other members wasn't going to perform the song with them.)

As quickly as you comprehend the song was playing, you put down the volume to a bearable state. Admittedly you still felt a bit creeped out by that call, but then again compared to the phone calls and letters you received from crazed lovers, it wasn't the worst thing you've gotten.

Suddenly a sinister realization hit you, other than working, you didn't do much during your day off, only thing mildly interesting happening today on my day off was this fuck ass show. And if that caller's so-called "friend" wanted you to watch the performances, you'd do just that. So that's how you decided that you'd spend your precious time letting out your toxic rage on these performances in the comfort of your own home.

The time flew so quickly, and most if not all the artists were so enjoyable, but then, the performance you had dreaded the most was about to happen. However, a part of you was quite ecstatic to watch that dreadfully alluring woman fail miserably on stage. (But be honest, Hanni never does, she always looks perfect doing what she loves, not the mention how elegant she sounds when she sings.)

"God Hanni, even till this day you're insufferable. Fuck." You screeched, as the painfully beautiful memories of her flooded your brain, while all you could do was continue to shove chips into my mouth, eating them up with a bittersweet rage. But with your prior knowledge, before the performance started, the artists were given about a 10-minute break to get all the equipment and stage ready. So you were left with your heart racing inside your chest.

After a dreadful wait, you watched as the dim lights began to slowly light the stage with a warm spotlight, and the LED backboard displayed a beautiful orange orchard. It took you aback since Hanni’s most recent solo tracks never mentioned anything about flowers or fruits. You hated to admit that no matter what you still supported her career to the bitter end of your relationship, so every little detail about her was engraved into your mind. But oh hell, if it's a mess up, even better for you right?

"Ah, hello everybody. I hope you've been enjoying the performances today. Everyone is so good!—" Hanni spoke, the crowd roared at her words, and the camera flashed to her coworkers smiling proudly at her words.

"I understand everyone wants my more recent solo songs, but I wanted to showcase a new song. I made it about someone close to me." She continued, while even more mental anguish bubbled up inside your head by how she spoke so softly about the song, and how you assumed she moved on so quickly.

"I hope you all will enjoy this performance." That was the last thing she said before the backtrack began to play. It was a gentle stroke of a guitar before the other members of the band continued to play to the rhythm. The song continued as you leaned closer into the TV, using your remote to turn up the music playing from the speakers.

“Color it gray...” She sang, your heart thumping out of your chest, your mind drifting to the moments leading to your eventual fallout.

“Until I forget you

Like I never met you” The memory of her pleading you to forget about whatever connection you both shared because she didn’t want to drag your career down. Her tears still linger in your mind.

“My dearest, my dearest Clementine” She continued, looking back at the first time she ever spoke so dearly about you, using ‘Clementine’ as a term of endearment because you both cringed at the thought of calling each other ‘baby’ or anything of that sort.

“Color it gray

Until I forget you

Like I never met you”

“My dearest Clementine”

“Throw it away

But close enough to you” Her voice strained by her sorrow.

“Cause although I hate you

I will still fall in love, my Clementine”

“Every time, always”

“No matter how hard I try”

“My Clementine, every time”

You're always on my mind” She ended, fixing her gaze to the camera, looking longingly, as if she was looking at something— no someone through the screen.

You watched in disbelief as she closed up her performance, and walked off the stage, still wearing the matching dragonfruit and orange necklace you bought together. It was a few minutes sitting in utter bewilderment before getting a call on your cellphone. All you could do is weakly pick it up, while still being in complete shock at what you just watched, and without checking the contact you forced yourself to speak up, "Uh..." with a very long pause, you resumed "Hello."

"Clementine!" The voice on the other line spoke loudly, there was no other person who called me that sickening nickname other than the one and only Hanni Pham.

"I thought I blocked you!" You shouted defensively at your phone trying to get this woman to hang up.

"Yeah! But you never blocked Danielle since she never really messaged you, haha!"

"Just leave me alone you freak!" You argued loudly, "I'm hanging up on you Han—" Before you could press, block caller, you heard her scream from the other side.

"No wait!"

"You saw my performance right?"

"Uhm... I wouldn't say I didn't." You awkwardly admitted, still trying to avoid answering her questions.

You sat in awkward silence for a while before she spoke again, "Please, I know you— we weren't the most mature people, but please give me one more chance. I know I shouldn't be asking you on the phone…” You hear a faint sigh before Hanni carries on with her whole speech. “but I don't know any other way to contact you without you running in the opposite direction."

Rolling your eyes behind the phone, you took in a deep breath and analyzed the situation before making a very calm, calculated response. "No! Die in a ditch, Hanni! You dumped me! Then made a song with my nickname and aired it out to everyone!"

"No! No! No wait! Please! Clementine! That's the only way to get through to you! Please Y/N, I wouldn't be begging like this for anyone else."

"Ugh... fine! We'll talk about this later once you're done with work alright? Besides you shouldn't be stressed during award shows, it shows."

"Really?!" She questioned, a bit shocked that you would even give her the time of day.

"Yeah, whatever, don't overwork yourself."

"Thank you so much, I promise I won't, thanks for caring so much, even with everything I’ve done."

"Yeah yeah, you know my place, I'll cook something up, and bring you comfortable clothes, because I'm going to give you a piece of my mind."

"I should've expected that, don't worry, we'll talk, I promise, I’ll listen to whatever you have to say— and I promise I won’t make any more stupid decisions."

"Sure."

"I never break my promises clementine."

"Just— go back to work, Hanni! You're pissing me off, your sweet talk won't work on me this time, I'm gonna beat your ass no matter what."

"It was worth the try." She laughed before hanging up the phone, you swore you were gonna kill her when she came back home. But for now, you forced yourself off the couch and prepared everything for her arrival, after all, she never broke her promises.

[pluckyredhead]

Please ship Orion and Lightray with me, thank you

If you've been reading my Fourth World posting, you might have noticed me mentioning Orion and Lightray's relationship. This is because they're in love and I'm obsessed with them. Please join me in grumpy/sunshine-but-they're-alien-demigods hell, with visual references below.

So Orion, as we know, is the son of Darkseid who was raised on New Genesis but has always felt different and monstrous compared to his peers. Lightray is his best friend, who thinks Orion is just the best thing since sliced bread and says so constantly.

This is literally how we're introduced to them, in New Gods #1:

Lightray: Don't be sad. Hug time! Orion: Hugs are not for one such as me. But you're still my best friend. Lightray: Please let me enter your chambers. Orion: NO THEY ARE TOO DARK. Lightray: D:

This panel, from #6, sums up their whole dynamic really well:

Lightray doesn't crave battle the way Orion does but he is determined to stay by his side, while Orion doesn't want Lightray to fight beside him because he thinks Lightray is too good and pure to be tainted by violence.

Zero personal space.

So one of the things about Orion is that his real face is sort of brutish and not traditionally handsome (the eyebrows are WILD), but he uses his Mother Box (like a living pocket computer that loves you) to make himself look more like the people of New Genesis. In #8, he gets into a knock-down, drag-out fight with his half-brother Kalibak that nearly kills them both, and Mother Box can't maintain the illusion (and also his face is, like, pulverized). And then this happens:

I WEEP. LIGHTRAY LOVES YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE, ORION.

New Gods was canceled soon after this, but when Kirby returned a decade later, he went all in on the homoerotic devotion. So Orion goes to Apokolips to kill his dad and rescue his mom, and who do you think follows him?

That second panel makes me laugh so hard. "Here, honey, you forgot your Scooty Puff Jr!"

My favorite thing about this is that Lightray is playing dumb. He shot at Orion earlier and then said something vague about missing on purpose...but he didn't:

HE REALLY TRIED TO WOUND ORION ENOUGH TO STOP HIS SUICIDE MISSION. And the way he just shuts his eyes and takes Orion's anger because he doesn't care what happens as long as he saves his friend's life...! (Orion doesn't hurt him, they just touch each other a lot.)

Anyway they argue for multiple pages, with Orion insisting that Lightray go home and Lightray insisting that he stay, until finally:

This is so intensely romantic and also so unintentionally hilarious that I can't stand it. The homoerotic gazing into one another's eyes and then the stupid mutual thumbs up! Whatever is going on with that closeup of Orion in the second panel! I die!

...And you know who else dies? Orion! Or at least he comes very close (it's unclear), but is rescued by a freedom fighter named Himon and nursed back to health by Himon and his daughter Bekka. We get a little romance between Orion and Bekka, but we also get Lightray coming to visit:

That is some FULL CONTACT wrestling, boys. Orion pinning Lightray to the ground while telling him it's good to see him is so much, but the fourth panel is even mucher. My goodness.

And then things get serious, because they both believe they are going to die in the upcoming battle (they don't), so they bid each other farewell and Lightray leaves, and then:

Orion yells after Lightray how smart and funny he is and then collapses in despair because his friend is gone. "HOW LIKE A WANDERING STAR HE SEEMS." Oh my god, Orion.

That's it for Kirby, so I'll move on to other writers and artists, but I want to clear that I'm only sharing the most intense scenes between them. There are so many panels, from Kirby and others, of Lightray faithfully following Orion around, joyously welcoming him back to New Genesis, gently teasing him, and talking about how brave and noble he is. And of Orion only smiling for Lightray, going feral when he gets hurt, and telling him he's too good and pretty for battle. And of the two of them touching each other. A lot.

Literally just two random examples. THEY DO THIS SHIT ALL THE TIME.

The next really big moment comes in New Gods (1995), where the Source (basically God/Heaven) becomes corrupted and Lightray goes evil and Orion has to beat him up to stop him and I will never ever ever recover from these pages:

"You want the beast? Do you like it?" on its own is...hoo boy, SOMETHING. But it is eclipsed by the tremulous "Maybe...maybe if I can just hold him" and Orion gathering Lightray up in his arms while telling him he loves him. LIKE. THIS IS SO MUCH. (P.S. Lightray's fine don't worry. And yes, he does want the beast.)

Then we get to Orion (PLEASE read this comic) and the biggest smile Orion has ever smolt:

Look at how happy he is!!! You need to understand that his mother died in his arms ten minutes ago and he's still like "Lightray! Omg hi!!!" (To be fair, his mother was terrible.) Plus bonus unnecessary touching, Lightray's love language being gifts, and Orion giggling and twirling his hair while going "Omg you're so smart."

(Also, when Lightray mentions his "brief but troubling visit" to Apokolips in the second panel, what's not saying is that he put on a silly disguise and went to see a fortuneteller to try to figure out if Orion's mom was lying about Darkseid not being his real dad (she was; again, she was terrible), and when the fortuneteller is like "You DARE come to Apokolips?!" he goes "I would dare anything for my friend!" I know you would, honey. I know you would.)

The next bit requires some explanation. So, as briefly as possible: Orion kills Darkseid (or so he thinks), takes over Apokolips, and tries very hard to change it for the better. He also accidentally gains possession of the Anti-Life Equation, the formula Darkseid is always searching for that eradicates free will, and gradually is driven to use it to FORCE everyone on Apokolips to be good. And Earth. And New Genesis.

Eventually, Orion is seemingly killed, but actually he's been teleported somewhere unfathomably far away, where he realizes what he's done and sinks into suicidal despair. In the midst of this, he manages to both destroy the Anti-Life Equation AND save all of reality (and nearly die in the process), but he still thinks that because he used the Equation, he's irredeemable and doesn't deserve to exist.

So when he's teleported back to Earth and captured by a human who blinds him and rigs him up to a torture device so that he can drain Orion's life force and use it to be eternally youthful, Orion just...lets it happen. Because he thinks he deserves it. For SEVEN MONTHS.

But eventually he's like "Wait...I deserve this, but probably whatever is being done with my energy is not good and I should stop it." He tries to escape but only manages to let out a single scream.

Luckily, Lightray has been searching for him nonstop for those seven months, despite the face that Orion is supposed to be dead. And then we get this:

To be clear: this is sweet, gentle Lightray absolutely obliterating the men who kept Orion in the torture device.

Nakey.

Lightray gives Orion the crushed remnants of his wrist cuffs, and Orion does a magical girl transformation about it:

For everyone playing along at home, that's the second time Orion has canonically told Lightray that he loves him.

Anyway, Orion goes off to get revenge on the guy who did this to him (it's very satisfying, please read Orion), and then he's depressed some more until he has some brotherly bonding time with Scott and finally feels well enough to go back to New Genesis. His last line of dialogue in the series is "For it is late, and the sunrise and friend Lightray await us in the gleaming city of the gods." OKAY!

Tragically, almost every New Gods appearance after this is complete dogshit, although there is a great moment in Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps (a Rebirth series) where they need information from Orion but he's comatose so they bring in a telepath and the only word he can get out of Orion's mind is "Lightray." I'LL BET.

IN CONCLUSION: Orion and Lightray love each other so so much and I believe it is honoring Jack Kirby's legacy to think about them smooching. It's what the King would have wanted!

[2-dsimp]

*Jumping in complete excitement after the revelation of Soma* Even if I should be crying for that angst, I can't blame you for giving me so much motivation to ask.

What if Soma's darling finds him some day, now peer up with a survivors group, but she is unable to killed his infected boyfriend and tries to convince his teammates not to kill him. Even making a whole damn argument while helping the team with blowing up the hard of zombies. (Summing up, an stubborn and silly darling)

Don't know, maybe suggesting silly ways to keep him up with her and avoiding him to attack the others, like making him use a muzzle and kid leash wrapped around her wrist.

A/n: if only things could work out like that. Not in this scenario unfortunately.ヽ(´o｀；

•:•.•:•.••:•:•:•:•☾☼☽•:•.•:•.•:•:•:•:•:•:

𝕋𝔸𝔾 𝕃𝕀𝕊𝕋: @apeiceoflump @fruk-you-usuk-fans @avalordream @manunkan @twinklingbeautifulstars (anyone else who’d like to be tagged for future parts lmk~)

•:•.•:•.••:•:•:•:•☾☼☽•:•.•:•.•:•:•:•:•:•:

Cw: blood/gore, betrayal (?), obsessive tendencies, angst, possessive tendencies, jealousy/envy, Soma losing his mind like a woman scorned.

Synopsis 3: Soma, your yandere undead boyfriend, finally reached the promised land and finally found you. But at the sight of someone else at your side he quickly became a frenzied beast of green envy.

•:•.•:•.••:•:•:•:•☾☼☽•:•.•:•.•:•:•:•:•:•:

You could barely register the sheer chaos that ensued from having the wall to the safe haven you’ve found in a fellow survival camp caved in by a mass of sharpened spikes. As the wall crumbled down, the other survivors screamed. Scrambling like chickens in utter confusion, fear, and dread.

But all you felt was joy, as you saw the one you’ve been mourning over for the few days. You guys were split apart, your boyfriend soma, in the flesh. His infected eyes were hyper transfixed on you, the target of his unrefined love. That was about to overflow and burst his heart from how he fell for you again. Hard.

You were all scuffed up, like an adorable kitten. Hair was a disaster, your body carried dirt and minor wounds from squabbles you had encountered on your own from trying to survive. You were an utter mess but to him you were a perfect achievement that he wanted to unlock once more.

Soma’s mouth opened, there was so much he wanted to say to you. But most importantly he wanted to call you out by your name. Tell you that you’re truly is here to come pick up his player 2. But he clamped down his jaw so hard so hard out of having the jitters. that he accidentally bit his own tongue off like a brain dead idiot.

Blood spurted from his severed tongue which happened to stain your face. You were in utter shock not believing that you were witnessing your undead boyfriend try to kill him self even when he’s technically already dead. Naturally you screamed as you saw his severed tongue wriggle around like a fish out of water.

“We must leave, now miss.”

A eerily calm voice seeped into your head, there was hands, albeit cold encircled around your wrist. As you were elevated to your feet and the scenery ran past your mind in a disillusioned blur. Your heart was pounding out of your chest, your breathing heavy and uneven.

You couldn’t make sense of it.

Why did the man say that you must leave? There’s no need to run! Your loving boyfriend has come to pick you up just like he promised. Away from this infected shithole. He wouldn’t hurt you, he definitely wouldn’t harm anybody else right? Sure he karated the hell out of this zombies in the store but that was self defense.

He said he’d come back to you. And he did, so why? Why were you running away from him? Your valiant boyfriend who sacrificed himself to keep his precious babe, you, alive.

Your feet carried you faster than you could think, with the captain of the survivor camp taking you by the hand. You were too frazzled to register the screams of terror and the frenzied clicking of other parasitic zombies who had found their way to the source of all the noise. Every single variation digging their claws and teeth into the survivors who were unable to get a grip.

But most importantly you missed the sheer look of rage that twisted Soma’s face into something unrecognizable. His tentacles were tore out of his flesh, turning a dark hue and snapping into deadly spikes. His mind was running field goals with the sight of you running away hand in hand with another man.

A man that wasn’t him.

Did you forget that he told you he was coming back? Who the hell was this bitch clinging onto your hand like a pest. Your boyfriend didn’t like it. Not one bit his tongue had regenerated in wisps of steamy smoke. Allowing him to rip out an unearthly screech that made everyone weak from racking their brains with his pitch frequency.

His eyes darted every which way studying how the captains fingers were touching you on too many areas of skin. He clawed at his face practically tearing off the mask that kept him human from pure agitation. His eyes bulging at the sight with veins a showing as he repeatedly gashed his teeth.

‘‘F̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞l̨͓̠̹̿̔̋̈́͝i̡̫̭̮̅̔̇̚͠ţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠h̨̟͔̣̣͊̄̇̏̿y̦̲̩̪̺͋̀͐̏̋,͓̾̌ f̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞l̨͓̠̹̿̔̋̈́͝i̡̫̭̮̅̔̇̚͠ţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠h̨̟͔̣̣͊̄̇̏̿y̦̲̩̪̺͋̀͐̏̋,͓̾̌ f̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞l̨͓̠̹̿̔̋̈́͝i̡̫̭̮̅̔̇̚͠ţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠h̨̟͔̣̣͊̄̇̏̿y̦̲̩̪̺͋̀͐̏̋!̳̆͋̈̾ G̢͚̙̣̬̎͋̊͐̽e͖̖̤͙̅̈́̏͌ͅţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠ i̡̫̭̮̅̔̇̚͠ţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠ o̳̘̗̗͒̽͑̚͝f̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞f̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞.̪̍̉ G̢͚̙̣̬̎͋̊͐̽e͖̖̤͙̅̈́̏͌ͅţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠ i̡̫̭̮̅̔̇̚͠ţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠ o̳̘̗̗͒̽͑̚͝f̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞f̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞.̪̍̉ G̢͚̙̣̬̎͋̊͐̽e͖̖̤͙̅̈́̏͌ͅţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠ i̡̫̭̮̅̔̇̚͠ţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠ o̳̘̗̗͒̽͑̚͝f̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞f̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞.̪̍̉ G̢͚̙̣̬̎͋̊͐̽e͖̖̤͙̅̈́̏͌ͅţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠ i̡̫̭̮̅̔̇̚͠ţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠ o̳̘̗̗͒̽͑̚͝f̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞f̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞.̪̍̉ G̢͚̙̣̬̎͋̊͐̽e͖̖̤͙̅̈́̏͌ͅţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠ i̡̫̭̮̅̔̇̚͠ţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠ o̳̘̗̗͒̽͑̚͝f̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞f̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞.̪̍̉ G̢͚̙̣̬̎͋̊͐̽e͖̖̤͙̅̈́̏͌ͅţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠ i̡̫̭̮̅̔̇̚͠ţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠ o̳̘̗̗͒̽͑̚͝f̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞f̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞.̪̍̉ G̢͚̙̣̬̎͋̊͐̽e͖̖̤͙̅̈́̏͌ͅţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠ i̡̫̭̮̅̔̇̚͠ţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠ o̳̘̗̗͒̽͑̚͝f̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞f̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞.̪̍̉ G̢͚̙̣̬̎͋̊͐̽e͖̖̤͙̅̈́̏͌ͅţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠ i̡̫̭̮̅̔̇̚͠ţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠ o̳̘̗̗͒̽͑̚͝f̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞f̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞.̪̍̉ G̢͚̙̣̬̎͋̊͐̽e͖̖̤͙̅̈́̏͌ͅţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠ i̡̫̭̮̅̔̇̚͠ţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠ o̳̘̗̗͒̽͑̚͝f̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞f̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞.̪̍̉ G̢͚̙̣̬̎͋̊͐̽e͖̖̤͙̅̈́̏͌ͅţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠ i̡̫̭̮̅̔̇̚͠ţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠ o̳̘̗̗͒̽͑̚͝f̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞f̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞.̪̍̉’

Soma’s parasite took the reins, taking advantage of how their host wasn’t able to maintain stability. Zombie, humans, and other unaffected variants alike were skewered. In his fit of manic fury, his tentacles striking towards your location like a viper. The tip of death missing the chance to stab through your clasped hands by a hair thanks to the captains diligent reflexes.

You tumbled trying to look back only to be swept off your feet and carried off into the arms of the ever so calm and collected Survivor Captain. Who by human standards looked flawless, not a blemish on his skin nor any sign of imperfections. But you didn’t miss how alienated it made him his whole reaction to the camp being decimated was lackluster. His eyes were like pearls without any shine, it was as if he was just a wearing a humans skin for show.

Gaining a sense of clarity at how fast you were retreating from the scene you took a moment to properly look at your boyfriend’s rampaging. And the way his eyes seared into your flesh and bone made you freeze up like a petrified goat.

You’ve never seen this side of him, could the infection truly take away the man you loved? You heavily denied it but the way he was aggressively targeting you his dangerous spiked tentacles indenting themselves just one step behind from impaling the captains body.

For the first time you felt afraid of him. He has clearly lost control to differentiate between who the true target of his ire. As he was under the impression that he was being betrayed/abandoned by you.

•:•.•:•.••:•:•:•:•☾☼☽•:•.•:•.•:•:•:•:•:•:

•:•.•:•.••:•:•:•:•☾☼☽•:•.•:•.•:•:•:•:•:•:

[avonne-writes]

Truth serum/spell for the fanfic situation prompts!

Maybe it’s some wacky Nazi truth serum they use during interrogations.

Gale gets dosed, but he’s so good at keeping his thoughts internal that they don’t get any information out of him.

BUT the second he’s alone with Bucky again, he can’t help but confess his feelings to the man he’s been pining for for years. (Maybe it’s a little angsty and Gale is crying/upset because he feels like the secrets he’s kept so closely guarded this whole time are being forced out of him and he’s ruining his friendship with Bucky)

Very old ask, I’m sorry it took so long! With a truth serum prompt, I couldn’t go any other way - I had to write a Reverie drabble. (Some of this probably won't make sense if you haven't read Reverie, but to sum it up quickly, John and Gale have a soulmate bond that allows them to connect in their dreams. Gale is captured and interrogated by the Germans.)

Warning for non-graphic description of torture and drugging.

Cold. The sensation is a cloak around Gale's shoulders where he sits stripped down to his undershirt and tied to a chair. It’s a veil over his eyes as he stares into the ruthless gaze of the interrogator across the table, as the indifferent expressions of the Nazi doctors surround him. It’s a gaping wound in his chest where he carved out everything that kept him warm over the years and locked it behind a wall. I'm sorry, John, I’m so sorry -

One of the men in the white lab coats moves forward, and Gale starts trashing but it's futile, his binds hold fast, and the injection prickles the tender inside of his left elbow to pour fire into his veins.

“No, no more, get away from me!” Gale snarls and tries to headbutt the man, but the others dart forward and hold him down, keep his head turned away and steady as more pain pierces his arm. Two more injections.

He's helpless against the torture of it all.

When they captured him, he was determined to face their interrogations stoically. They wouldn’t get anything out of him, he thought. Pain isn’t unfamiliar company, neither is hunger, and Gale knows how to grit his teeth through anything when he has to. His only weakness, the only thing he held precious, he cut off himself. He has always been good at making tough calls like that. But nothing could have prepared him for the enemy using his own mind to work against him. The primal fear that coursed through him when they first brandished those needles, the way his heart raced in panic when they held him in place and pushed concoction after concoction into him.

He doesn’t know what they’re giving him, but it always hits him the same way. Hot flashes and sweat rolling down his body, mixing with the salty wetness that leaks from his eyes as his control slips away. Vicious waves of nausea and shaking as his heart beats frantically to cope with the drug in his blood. And the worst of it all - the spirals, checkerboards, funnels flooding his vision.

Reality unravels like a ball of yarn.

Someone slaps him, and he blinks at dark, unfamiliar eyes as an accented voice asks him questions he barely understands. How much time has passed? He doesn’t know, he doesn’t know. There’s no window in this cell, and no concept of time in a space filled with sluggishly undulating patterns. Rippling walls, funnels in place of eyes, checkered patterns on his own hands. Are they his own hands?

The questions keep coming. If he doesn’t reply, they hit him again, and his confusion strips him of his ability to lie. He says the first thing on his mind. The cuts on his cheek hurt. His arm is on fire. Saliva and bile dribble from his mouth, but they wipe it off. Sounds and shapes become a blur. Then they're asking about John. They want Gale to get information out of him.

“I don't know.” Gale mumbles to all of their questions, because he really doesn’t. He severed the connection. He had to. He doesn’t know how John's doing now, whether he is on another mission or directing things from the ground. He hopes he can forgive Gale one day. He hopes they see each other again. He hopes they survive.

The Germans curse in frustration. They don’t believe him when he says he doesn’t know. He's untied and lifted from the chair, and one of the doctors whispers in his ear, tells him to stop being stubborn, for Christ's sake. Manic, Gale laughs weakly. They don’t believe him, but he’s telling the truth. No matter how strong his mind is, it’s no match for this - this truth serum, but they can’t hurt John through him.

Unceremoniously, he's thrown on a cot and tied down again, then there's another prick at his arm, and he falls asleep.

Shapeless dreams swirl around him as he tries to grasp at something to anchor himself. Memories of voices and emotions, love and fear and pain until he finds himself sitting crumpled by a brick wall so tall that he can’t see where it ends. One look around tells him that he’s back in flight school, at the base where he met John in person for the first time. He can’t place the wall anywhere in those memories, but he gives up trying soon enough because funnels start opening all around him, sucking patches of ground into their bottomless depths between the barracks, and there's no escape.

A hand shakes his shoulder. “Hey, Buck.”

Gale jumps. “John!”

He's not supposed to be here. It’s hard to remember why, but Gale knows this instinctually, so he fists a hand in John's uniform shirt and pushes at him, trying to force him out of his dream, but John doesn’t react at all.

“The boys and I figured we could go dancing tonight. You should come.” John grins as if everything was right in the world. “I'll show you what it's all about.”

“You shouldn't be here.” Gale screws his eyes shut and hugs John's broad frame.

Suddenly, the dream shifts and blurs, then refocuses once they're standing on the shore of a lake, dark blue surface glittering in the sunshine. Pebbles click against each other in Gale's palm. Without thinking, he throws one into the water. It skips a few times before it sinks.

“This is boring, Buck. I wanna go dancing.” John says beside him.

Again, Gale jolts as lucidity comes back, and he drops the pebbles to shake John by his shoulders. “Go away!” He snaps, overcome by an inexplicable fear. “I won’t let them hurt you -”

A sharp pain lances through him, like glass shards cutting into his limbs, and he doubles over in his dream, whimpering. He doesn’t know how long he stays like that, but when his agony subsides, he’s in a roughly structured space, where everything is blurry, even John's face. It looks like a dorm room, and Gale remembers it as the night he told John he and Marge had slept together. Feeling dizzy, he climbs on the bed and wraps his arms around John. With his face tucked into the crook of John's neck, he starts crying.

“I love you.” He confesses to John. He’s been aching to say it for so long, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t. “I've loved you since I was seventeen.”

The coppery taste of déjà vu fills Gale's mouth. John's body disappears, and Gale is left alone with a blurry wall and another burst of pain. It builds and builds, in his temples and wrists and every vein, the pressure increases until he screams. He wants to pound his fists on that wall because something tells him that relief lies behind it, but a part of him pushes back. Never destroy the wall. Never. Never. Never. So Gale sits there and screams for John until his throat feels scraped raw. Then, there's nothing.

He wakes up dizzy and nauseous, as is usual since they started injecting him. How many days ago? He can’t tell. At least, until the next interrogation starts, he’s lucid and aware. Cautiously, he opens his eyes to look around, but he’s alone in the dark room, and nothing ties him to the bed. Light filters in through the gaps of the door.

Gale's arm itches as if it was stung by a thousand mosquitoes, but he doesn’t dare scratch it. What if the needle marks get infected? With a weak hand, he pinches the bridge of his nose. It’s a gesture he picked up as a child. It always helps him calm down. He thinks about his vivid, excruciating nightmares and breathes a sigh of relief. With his thoughts clear now, he knows that his hard work on building a barrier between him and John paid off. The Johns he saw in his dream were only figments of his imagination. The real John never came. He’s safe.

Triumph works better than any painkiller. For a moment, Gale's smiling.

Then, he hears the sound of boots on concrete. The door of his cell swings open, bathing the walls in sharp light that makes Gale squint at the German officer who approaches him. Gale braces himself for another round of interrogations, but the man just nods and tells him that they're transferring him.

Holding on tight to every tendril of his determination, Gale pushes himself to his feet and lets them take him to whatever new hell awaits.

Everything will be okay, as long as his soulmate is safe.

[dannyphantom1234]

Reborn as Dan Phantom.

A fan of the show is reborn as Dan, the evil version of Danny just as he was created— but what no one knew was a fangirl had taken over the body and knew just what to do to help her family that would suffer what she just went through unless she did something to help. So— she creeped towards Clockwork, stole the time medallion, went to the timeline of the original, and immediately took over as big brother figure to help these poor children from suffering the future they would have to endure alone without adult supervision.

She— now he— didn’t care for gender, and just wanted to help and protect his new(ish) family from bad people. What he didn’t know was he was also thrown alongside the dc universe, which was an awesome discovery on his part later on.

Dan— or Dante— as he wished to be called, came to the group with sorrow in his heart as he explained what would happen in the future if Danny cheated on his test, not that it was anyone’s fault but fates. He explained how no one was at fault and it could all be avoided if he could help it.

He took over the ghost fights, and had a long talk with Clockwork about what would happen and his real purpose for being there.

His original timeline was obviously erased, and the only reason he survived was because of the medallion, so later he had to go through ghost magic and make himself his own person, gained a whole butt load of tattoos intertwined with ghost time magic and becomes the next king of the infinite realms after defeating the old guy easily after seeing him beat up his little bro.

Dante became king instead of Danny and took over all the overloaded paperwork along the way.

What he didn’t know, was that he would be summoned because of his status. He really thought the fan fictions were just exaggerating what would happen if he was ever given the position and power. Well, it was all true from what he read.

(I’m making this a Dante/King Phantom x Jason Todd/Red Hood).

He made an actual legal identity for himself with the help of Technus and Tucker, who became better pals after they set aside the fact that they attacked each other at some point or another.

Danny became a little brother to him, Jazz became his little sister who likes to treat him as if he were still Danny at times, and Danielle became his daughter.

Dante legally adopted Dani after they got his papers in order, and made her an identity as well. Elle was much younger than he remembered, but then again, she was deaged recently and just came back into contact with the group, who couldn’t take care of her because they were still children as well.

Vlad was still a little evil but leveled out after a huge diabolical involving Maddie, their so called mother.

Madeline Fenton had thought her son and daughter conspired with the ghosts and attacked them in their own home, Danny was greatly injured with multiple blast wounds and Jazz suffered a concussion while trying to push him out of the target zones.

Jack had football tackled Madeline and the rest was history.

Vlad had fallen out of love with her after seeing what she did to her own children, and instead got his head out of his butt and realized he was in love with Jack all along.

Jack divorced Madeline, took custody of his kids and decided they should move, all while Vlad made plans to take down GIW with Team Phantom.

Jack and Vlad met him and decided to emotionally adopt Dante as well in their messed up family.

Dante got a job as a mechanic and started his own business in Gotham. Very cliche from all the fanfics he read in his past life but he wanted to do something he knew and loved. He loved fixing things and his side job as the king of the infinite realms was basically being like a father to ghost children while scolding those who thought it was a good idea to attack innocent mortals.

He mainly spent his time raising Danielle. Giving her everything she deserves and making her happy now that his family was safe.

He was randomly summoned by the Justice League who were ready to full on attack him until they saw him reading to his child, not realizing he was summoned until someone cleared their throat. He was literally in his own little bubble, reading his two year old daughter a storybook while holding her against his chest as he floated above the ground, laid back in a relaxed position.

How it would go:

I looked up from the book after feeling a sudden shift in my surroundings, seeing multiple very brightly dressed people in front of me. I glared, shifting completely into my ghost king form while holding my daughter close to my chest. The storybook I was reading had disappeared into a pocket dimension for later, as I had to deal with this madness.

“Who in their right minds would summon the Ghost King? I literally burnt all those summoning books to ash.” I grumbled, and looked down to see Elle had slightly woken up at the sound of my deep voice.

“Dada?” She mumbled, rubbing her right eye as she sat up from my chest.

“It’s alright, Elle,” I rumbled, kissing her forehead as she plopped back down to take her nap again at my reassurance. “We can finish reading time later today.” I murmured to her as she went back to snoozing.

“What do you want, mortals?” I asked nonchalantly.

“Why does the ghost king have a child? And how in the hell are you not attacking us as the books state?” Zatanna asked, looking on at me in shock.

“You willingly want to be attacked after summoning me? That’s idiotic. “ I state, looking bored with their conversation. I still held Elle close, not answering their questions about my child just yet.

“No, a bloody idiot summoned you just as we defeated him as a last defense!” Constantine spat out, looking hysterical.

“Well, sorry to break the news, coward, but the last king was defeated by me after trying to take over the world, he is now locked away in forever sleep until we can find a way to get rid of him completely.” I explained to the coward looking at me in shock on the ground, bruises across his face and the usual weird looking villain costume on him.

I looked around for a quick second before stopping at the Batfam. Who were all here in a more relaxed formation seeing a child in my arms. My favorite fandom family in my last life.

I looked them over before spotting the Red Hood, my celebrity crush I had on him was no secret to my family, but they had no room to judge for themselves.

His aura admitted contaminated ectoplasm, and I knew I had to heal him sometime in the future.

“May I ask what your goals are? And who is this child?” Superman spoke up after a moment of digesting my information about my new position.

“I protect both living and the undead. I don’t have a world ending goal in mind, just to raise my daughter and give her the life she deserves.” I said, looking down at my daughter with a small smile that would be unnoticeable to most.

I looked back up to see the large group had softened at my words and I was about to ask a question about Red Hood, when my daughter suddenly decided this was taking too long and too much noise for her to take a nap.

“Dada! Where puppy?” She demanded answers, smacking the side of my face with her chubby hands, as I floated there, unmoving with an emotionless face towards the group.

“Cujo is with the twerp, remember? He will come by later for playtime.” I answered, which was slightly muffled as she squished my cheeks together and smiled at me happily.

“Dada! Fishh—“ she squealed out, looking happy with herself as she giggled at my face.

“You gremlin—“ I muttered out, tickling her sides as she squeaked, her flying out of my arms and turning into her young ghost form, looking ready to play.

“Playtime?” She asked, bouncing a little in the air, clapping her hands a little.

“Not yet, blob ghost. We need to head back home for snack time.” I explained, crossing my arms as she pouted, my arm muscles bulged a bit as I crossed them, and I still always forget the fact that I’m taller than most, alongside bigger. In my past life, I was a stick of a girl that had spaghetti arms, much different for sure.

Her pouting turned into the famous puppy eyes, and I turned back to the group to avoid them, only to see amused faces all around.

“Do you guys need anything before we head back? I’m sure you don’t want to deal with a Princess tantrum.” I rumbled out, looking on in disinterest as Elle decided to hug the side of my face like an octopus. She probably still had the puppy eyes on.

“You have an adorable daughter!” Princess Diana exclaimed soon after I was finished speaking. “How old is she?” She asked, looking at me curiously as I lowered myself to the ground, Elle now floating behind my head as she played with my low ponytail.

“She is now two years old.” I answered, swiftly nabbing Elle from behind me while reaching the back of my head. I lowered my arms to see I had her upside down now, her hanging like a sack of potatoes as she giggled.

“Dada!” Elle exclaimed, waving her arms around her in glee as she looked up at me.

“You don’t feel like a ghost completely… neither does she, what are you exactly?” Constantine asked, waving his hand at me in confusion.

“I don’t know if I can trust you with that information, Constantine.” I growled a little, glaring at him as he stepped forward while Elle hid behind me.

“Hey now! Let’s calm down, no one needs to start anything!” Nightwing stepped in front of the glaring Constantine who looked more and more like a bug the longer I looked at him.

“There isn’t anything to start, really. His soul is in shreds at the moment, not very powerful compared to my kind anyway.” I stated, crossing my arms once again as Elle peaked out from over my shoulder.

“Now, I need to speak with a Mr. Red Hood.” I said, looking on at the Batfam who tensed at my words.

“Why?” Batman growled out, stepping in front of the confused Red Hood.

“To heal him, of course.” I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose as I heard sounds of confusion from everyone else.

“His ectoplasm is very corrupted. He has the ghost flu, in which case makes my kind very moody and in need of pure ectoplasm to filter it and his emotions.” I briefly explained, unpinching my nose as I looked up from the ground. Willing my headache away for now.

“So his pit madness is basically the ghost flu?” Red Robin murmurs out hysterically, almost giggling in disbelief.

“Yes, I have heard of his haunt, Crime Alley, that being under his protection, I have never stepped foot on his property because I didn’t want to seem like a threat to a sick person who can’t control themselves completely with such a sickness.” I explained myself a bit nervously, rubbing the back of my neck a little with my right hand as Elle now sat on my left shoulder, swinging her legs.

“Wow, the ghost king is a dork…” I heard Spoiler mutter to Orphan, who nodded in agreement.

I huffed, crossing my arms and floated once again. “I can come back another time. I just wished to help a little. My doctor can probably fix him quicker than I, but I know what to do as I have studied under him for more than over a year now.” I informed them.

“So the pit madness can go away…?” Red Hood asked, stepping from around Batman to speak to me clearly.

“I’m unsure of what this “Pit Madness” is, but yes, I can heal you and make sure you properly get the help you need from your emotional roller coaster sickness.” I said, looking down at him as he took a few more steps to me, his family following behind him.

“Well, when can you fix me?” He asked, his voice modifier cutting all emotions from his voice, but I can clearly feel his emotions bursting from his almost formed core. It seems this sickness had stopped him from forming his core completely and left him sick for many years.

I could feel his hope, his rage and especially his bursts of want for some reason.

“I can fix you right now, but I wasn’t sure if you wanted privacy or not. It’s very…. Intimate. I can take you somewhere private if you would like?” I rumbled out, the burst of want came out more clearly, and I could tell Red Hood was clearly not expecting that word choice.

“Take me anytime—“ I could clearly hear his muttered out answer behind his helmet with my enhanced hearing, but I don’t know if I was supposed to hear that.

“Nope! Little Wing— you are not going with the ghost king—“ Nightwing suddenly yelled out, the whites of his mask bigger as Spoiler, Red Robin, and Signal burst into loud laughter. Batman sighed loudly in disappointment. Robin just “Tt” and sighed alongside his father, looking like a mini bat. Orphan just smiled at me.

“By intimate, I mean having a look at your soul, I will essentially have to take a closer look at that and cure you.” I fixed my words, making it seem as if I didn’t hear anything and I could feel a little disappointment coming from Red Hood but he nodded at my explanation.

[neuroprincess]

Bunny Ears and Chocolate - Ava Coleman/Female Reader

Ava Coleman/Female Reader

Summary: When another celebration arrives, you think it's going to be one more blank day, but an unexpected gift and a wonderful girlfriend prove otherwise.

Classification: Slight angst, Fluff

Warnings: Reference to a reader's unhappy childhood, Ava being a romantic baby

Note: I should have posted this at Easter, but you know me, I just found it in my archived writings

Word count: +2200

Unrevised

Growing up in a home that was considered unstructured and not at all affectionate deprived you of many moments that other children had throughout their lives: the tooth fairy didn't even bother to leave 5 cents for each tooth that fell out, Christmas didn't have the same sparkle as the TV commercials and Thanksgiving was always summed up in canned food, maybe a fight between your parents in the kitchen at the end of the night. It was no different with Easter, every now and then you'd get a cheap bar of chocolate at school or from some kind neighbor, you didn't even take part in a neighbourhood egg hunt. The whole process was a gray area between so many celebrations, weekends and holidays spent watching movie marathons with lots of popcorn and a pinch of loneliness by choice. 

It was like that for years, until you met Ava, who never cared about any of this before and you thought it might be a good match when you started dating. However, she had this, her parents were affectionate and gave the best moments that continue to be remembered fondly when each of these dates arrives. You like to hear her describe every toy she got from some distant relative and later exchanged for something more interesting with classmates, the weird casseroles grandma invented for dinner or when she bought the first make-up with the money the fairy, aka her mom, left under the pillow. Between laughs and jokes, she always looks forward to hearing your stories and can't hide disappointment when the subject is suddenly changed, teasing you a little, but giving up so as not to make you uncomfortable. Deep down, you start to care and feel envious of all the lost moments, all the things you can't have, the invisible, dormant childish wounds festering. Wounds set aside, especially when it comes to your work as a teacher at Abbott.

"Miss Y/L/N, how do we know if the butterfly is male or female?" one of the students asks, leaning over the table to get a better look inside the transparent box.

"Don't be silly, Kayla!" another replies, rolling his eyes, and does the same "They're all female."

"Actually, not all of them are female, dear." you stand between them and point to the insect that's emerging from its cocoon, weeks before you found a caterpillar in Barb's flower beds and it collected itself in the cocoon, which coincidentally ended up hatching on the last day of school before holiday "That's a monarch butterfly, if there are dark spots on the hind wings it's a male and if not it's a female."

"But it hasn't opened the wings yet." Kayla observes sadly, for a child minutes can seem like a real eternity "It's taking too long..."

"That's just it, hatching can take from 10 minutes to 60 minutes, each one has their own time."

"Just like the rest of us," she adds with a hearty smile.

"You all see how incredible metamorphosis can be?!"

A little animated chatter starts up as your class waits anxiously to watch it fully emerge from cocoon, most of them debating which names to choose and how they would take care of it, forgetting the little agreement they had made, you decided to let them enjoy the moment before scrapping the hopeful children's plans.

"I don't see any spots!" Carson shouts excitedly "We've got a girl!"

After a while, they agree on a name and end up naming her Lizzy - cute, short and pretty. In third period, your kids gather to release her into the playground, and you take advantage of the moment to explain the relationship between butterflies and Easter and all the meaning behind the beautiful transformation. 

"Miss Y/L/N..." Kayla calls out to you shyly as everyone gets ready for break, most of them already running, the girl puts her hands behind back and blushes approaching the table "I saved this one for you."

She holds up an Easter egg wrapped in fluffy colored paper, a bow adorning it and making the package more attractive. The girl stares at you with her eyes shining in anticipation as you fight back imminent tears, not something you expected to happen when you woke up in the morning. It's your first chocolate Easter egg in all your years of life, a small, innocent gesture from a schoolchild that makes the entire wall built up around commemorative dates and traditions crumble in seconds.

"Thank you so much, dear..." you accept the treat with a little uncertainty, hands trembling as you hold the candy "I..."

"I knew you'd like it, it's very good, I promise." she says cheerfully and leaves the classroom, as if she hadn't just made a grand gesture.

As soon as the girl leaves, the principal comes through the doorway with her usual cheeky grin and full of curiosity about your reaction, asking herself what she could have done to you, none of which comes close to the real thing. Her presence is barely noticed, not even when she closes the door after the room has emptied, your eyes fixed on the adorable wrapping, the colorful patterns and the generic but cute note wishing Happy Easter.

"Kitten..." she calls for the third time, worried "Is everything all right?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I was over the moon." you try to pull yourself together, compressing lips and bringing fingers to the corners of eyes, wiping your face "Hungry?"

"Just of you." Ava whispers seductively and takes two steps forward, standing inches away to steal a quick kiss "Now tell me what happened or I'll tickle the hell out of you." it's the kind of affectionate threat that doesn't make you laugh this time, it's a difficult topic to talk about, but maybe that's the time.

"Well, there's a reason I never tell holiday stories or have great comments for yours, I..." tears are there again, stronger and warmer, you take the candy to heart in search of comfort, the woman keeps quiet listening attentively "I never had any of that, my parents never gave a damn and I wasn't a demanding child."

"That?"

"Coins from the tooth fairy, nice dinners, Christmas trees, gifts and..." the Easter egg is raised with a certain pride, finally giving in to crying, tears of sadness and happiness mixing together "This! It's my first!" you finally admits, feeling a little childish at the thrill and excitement of something so small for an adult.

"Your first?" she is genuinely confused, staring at the simple candy, which for her has no great significance, then the realization of the fact hits her hard "Really?"

"Yes, one of my students just gave it to me." you whisper, feeling the tears wanting to come back again and a tight feeling in chest "I know, it's silly..."

"No, it's not, it's never silly, especially if it's something important to you." the woman responds quickly, wrapping arms around your trembling body and puts your head against her soft breasts, it's an intimate and comforting act "And if I'd known before, I'd have been the first person to give you a chocolate. And decorated the house last Christmas. Or better, I would have taken you to New York. I guess I just wouldn't have had a solution for the tooth fairy... but there are ideas on how to make up for it."

"God, you're the best girlfriend ever."

"Of course I am." Ava kisses your forehead and takes advantage of the position to slip her fingers under your shirt, lightly tickling the sensitive spots "So much so that I ordered tarts from that new store you mentioned last week."

She holds up the cardboard bag with the pretty logo and half a dozen tarts in various flavors. A delicious dessert for a pleasant shared lunch, which has become routine, a moment of peace to enjoy each other's presence in the busy and chaotic routine that is working in childhood education.

With a bag full of art supplies and a pile of exam papers in hand, you enter the apartment, struggling not to knock everything off the improvised jenga. Usually you would have the help of the tallest one, those long arms look so sexy carrying boxes full of children's books and covered in glitter, but after all that sugar and dough, she had to go home early with an stomach bug. Of course, in her pile there are one or two medicines and tea for her.

"Darling?" home is strangely dark, silent and there's no sign of your partner's vibrant personality "Ava? Are you feeling better?" you ask, starting to get worried, hurrying to turn on the light switches.

When the light turns on, you find yourself with one foot on what looks like a rabbit's footprint glued to the wood floor. Then another next to it, followed by another and another, the bags are abandoned at the entrance and the door closed. Step by step you reach the coat closet, where a chocolate bar is placed next to a card with the words "Our love is sweet as the place we started the day together... or as your coffee." handwritten in impeccable calligraphy. It makes you smile lovingly, she always jokes about the amount of cream you put in the liquid as you get ready for the morning, only to steal some of it with kisses. The fun mugs, perhaps one of the first things you bought when decided to move in together, hold truffles and the next tip. Seven cards later, almost every room explored and your arm full of candies, you finally reach the last place with the tip "No matter where we are, as long as we're together, we've found our home." and it's obvious that it's the master bedroom, where you love each other, talk about your days and plan the future, where you can strip away the burdens of everyday life and forget about the world.

"Do you like it, kitten?" the woman asks, coming up behind as soon as you open the door.

In the middle of the bed, there's a huge Easter basket of chocolates, from simple chocolate bars to decorated boxes of handmade truffles, with colorful wrapping and a giant bow, next to a big stuffed bunny, one of those fluffy ones that are too cute to resist hugging. A Happy Easter banner has been placed above the headboard and when turn around you let out a laugh when notice that the principal is wearing a fuzzy bunny ears, one up and the other down, a cute made-up nose.

"Welcome back, little baby!" she wraps her arms around waist and lifts you into the air, capturing your lips as she spins around.

"You... You did all this for me? Aw, that's so sweet and thoughtful."

"And all yours, I wanted to make your first official Easter something special." Ava puts you down and picks up a second bunny ear from the shelf, carefully placing it on your head "My cutie..."

"I'm literally speechless, all I can think about is how amazing you are."

"I know!" she jokes and leans in to give you another kiss "Sweetheart, you're a wonderful person and I'm sorry you didn't have any of these moments, but know that I'm going to make each of these dates unforgettable and unique, something of ours."

You stare at her in shock and feel your eyes sting, tears gathering at the edges of eyes, it's hard to control. This was the first surprise you've ever received in your life and certainly the best of all, every detail was thought of, planned and made especially for you, as well as the romantic touch she gave to every little and big gift.

"You don't have to do that..." you whisper, voice breaking with emotion, "I... You already do so much for me."

"I haven't even done half of what I want to do for you." your girlfriend smiles tenderly, her hand sliding gently across your cheek "You deserve the world and I'm going to do my best to give it to you."

"I don't even know how to thank you for everything." a feeling of being silly comes over you again, but it's quickly gone when you see the passionate smile on her plump lips "It's more than I could have dreamed of."

"You don't have to be thankful, baby, just enjoy it." she replies, lifting you onto her lap and standing face to face "Or enjoy it while you thank me."

Ava is funny and suggestive, walking slowly over to the bed, sitting there with you on her lap, surrounded by the candies and the cheerful decoration. She brings a hand up to yours, intertwining her fingers with yours. The comfortable silence is broken only by the soft sound of breathing and happy giggles.

"Shall we eat some chocolate and then watch a movie?" the woman asks, squeezing you a little tighter against her "We have the whole weekend to ourselves."

All you can do is nod, leaning in again to give her a kiss, this time slow and passionate, full of tenderness. She moans feeling your fingers tangle in the black strands, pulling her towards you and deepening the contact.

"I love you, baby." you whisper against her lips, knocking into the soft mattress.

"No more than I love you, kitten. You have no idea."

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[bonzos-number-1-fan]

TMAGP 30 Thoughts: Concrete Evidence

Our finale is upon us. Albeit more of a slightly extended episode than it is double-length. It's more like 10 minutes longer than a standard episode and while I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing I do think it sort of sucks to set expectations and then not deliver on it. Especially when it was a Kickstarter stretch goal. I worry the epilogue is going to feel like the last 10 minutes sliced off of this one too. Either way it was a great episode all in all.

Spoilers for episode 30 below the cut.

This episode follows the classic late in a season episode formula. By which I mean lots of it is really explicit about what it means but some bits are the sort of thing I like to pull out and analyse. So a lot of the plot beats aren't things I need to cover but there are lots of quotes I do want to dig into. Starting with Sam and Celia on the train, which is a real culmination of Celia's general game plan so far. While it's made abundantly clear by the end of this episode her manipulation of the characters has been a fairly constant part of her characterisation so far.

CELIA It sounded like you’d have gone anyway. At least this way I can make sure it all goes to plan. SAM (small laugh) There’s a plan? CELIA Besides, you’re not the only one who’s curious.

That quote really sums up her whole deal this season IMO. She's always been pushing characters to do one thing or another. As soon as her intentions are brought up she'll avoid the question and move the conversation on to something else. It's been happening basically since she was introduced and I'm really glad to see it built up into something satisfying.

Man, poor Colin. I was hoping we'd get some sort of escalation of his storyline this episode but it looks like that'll be more of a season 2 affair. Similarly that looks to be where Gwen is headed too. She's finally got the job she's after but as Lena warns, and as we're all well aware, she's woefully unprepared for it. Mr. Bonzo, Ink5oul, Lady Mowbray, and Needles will all likely play larger roles in season 2 because of it.

I'm not going to get into the details much but I did really enjoy the Custodian's statement. Lots of fun vibes and little details with his character all around. I would've liked to see him stick around in all honestly and crop up again. His fate is quite interesting though because it's showing a lot more from [Error]'s abilities than has previously been showcased. She made Drowning Victim drown but her statement was all about drowning so that's not too crazy, this is much more tangentially related and a far more extreme effect on the victim. Hard to know how much that means but it might be worth pointing out.

The Hilltop Centre is a lot different to what I was expecting. It seems much more like a supernatural hub than the prior incidents concerning it let on. I'm wondering if this is unique to this universe or a constant throughout them. Without getting too much into the details it could be fallout from TMA's ending but this wound that Celia talks about strikes me as a little odd in that context. There was seemingly only one of them at Hilltop. Unless the world Celia came from is also where Darrien 3 came from, as he arrived from that point, then that wound is drawing in everyone from other realities. However if that's the case then there are some fairly major questions about the metaphysical underpinnings of it. It got "better" when Sam was thrown in but there are also clearly a lot of other people coming through as the Custodian mentions.

It wasn’t all death though. Sometimes people… arrived. Not often, but every now and then you’d find some thin, emaciated soul wandering around, lost and confused.

It wasn't just Darrien 3 that came through, multiple people arrived in the same manner. A manner we know isn't how Celia got here because her reaction to that incident was that it wasn't the same. So is this wound just an amalgamation of all the imbalances from all the various universes? We know why Celia wants to "balance" this because it's trying to pull her back, hence the "sleepwalking", and it would eventually win out. How it works on a larger scale is sort of hard to say. It seems like it will just be there forever until everyone who's not meant to be in this universe has left. That seems like a very tall order based on what we've seen. Speaking of balance.

The institute, alchemy, all of it. It’s all about balance. Dua prima, four elements, seven planets, it’s all the same. You’ve got to keep things balanced.

This is a very interesting quote. There are two possible interpretations for this and I'm not sure it's intended to be seen that way. Each of the things Celia lists here is either correctly numbered or off by one. So she might be saying that these are things for which balance is important, or she's saying these are unbalanced things and need correcting. Either works well with her point here.

Dua prima is not really actually a thing as such and is both the biggest indicator she's talking in terms of them being off by one, but also the biggest indicator she's not. Paracelsus' tria prima is a fairly important concept in alchemy as a whole and if you've read more than a few of my posts you'll have seen me mention it. In short sulphur, salt, and mercury are representative of three fundamental properties. Combustibility, permanence, and fluidity respectively and in addition represent the body, the soul, and the spirit. Paracelsus didn't arrive at this idea on his own however and it's largely an addition to Jābir ibn Ḥayyān's work. Jābir, or Geber as he's sometimes known, had this theory of metals that stated all metals were a mix of sulphur and mercury. Additionally sulphur is associated with masculine qualities and the sun, while mercury is associated with feminine ones and the moon. It's not ever called dua prima so far as I'm aware but you could reasonably make that argument.

This same logic can be applied to her mention of the four elements in which fire, air, earth, and water would make up a classical set of four but can also be considered off by one as aether is a later yet—still classical—addition. Alchemy has seven "planets" each with a corresponding metal but our modern definition puts seven off by one as we would say there are eight. However with all that being said I'm more inclined to believe she meant these things were balanced as they are. I said that the dua prima was also the best indicator of that and for the reason why we've got to go back to episode 19.

Doing mummy and daddy Stasi proud, I’m sure. Not that anyone cares as long as it all balances, right? Not too much mercury or the world ends, not too much sulfur or we all go mad…

At the time I said this was two of the three primes of tria prima, which it is, but in this context it doesn't appear that the lack of salt was an omission. Salt just might not be a part of it at all. It's fairly hard to say exactly how important this will be though. It certainly seems quite relevant but it's also something they might be making up rather than anything more firmly rooted in existing alchemic lore.

I don’t- when I first awoke I knew nothing, nothing but the dream of things that sliced my who from me with claws like scalpels… They would hunt me and toy with what it meant to be me peeling away my layers first my name, then my memory and then… …and then the fearless one reached in and grasped me, tore me out, leaving my story to fall away like autumn leaves…

I think Celia's statement has very little to get into really, I just wanted to mention that it was a nice detail. Another if you know you know and not a topic I get into here. [Error] also has a line here I think is interesting but it requires getting more into TMA than I care for so I'm going to leave it. I'm not 100% sure what to make of it either as of yet.

And there we have it. Season 1 is wrapped. Well other than the epilogue, What If?, fluff episode, and trailer. I don't have much of a bow to tie on this really other than to say I've really enjoyed this season and I'm excited for where it's going to go next.

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Prediction Follow Up

Celia is going to get [Error]ed and exposition dump about her whole deal. - That happened but the exposition relevant to the show's plot didn't occur via that.

Alice gets got and she's got some secret twisty trauma. - Didn't happen.

Teddy can give her a lift and we'll hear what was on his mind. - Also didn't happen.

Speaking of [Error] it seems likely that Celia is going to reveal at least what she knows about Archivists. - This didn't not happen but also didn't really happen exactly.

With [Error] being this season's antagonist it's likely that she's going to get defeated in the finale. - Kinda sorta maybe.

It could be a gaping maw in realities that sucks our cast off to someplace new. - Got some of our cast at least, so lets say 3.

Hilltop is likely to play some role in defeating [Error] and if I had to hazard a guess I think it's likely we'll see some of the great cosmology at play here - Kinda sorta.

I think we're also going to see a good bit of Gwen going behind Lena's back too... I don't think we'll necessarily see anything major happen but I do think it's a pretty likely hook for season 2. - Yeah, that all basically happened.

Final Score 10/10 - Being incorrect does not impact my self-worth.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Season 2 Predictions

Honestly, I don't have much to say for this. It's probably going to be still follow the same characters, Sam will deal with whatever new universe he's in, Celia will play dumb but Alice won't buy it, Gwen will fail to deal with her new responsibilities, Teddy will reveal some awful secret, Colin will go further into the deep end, and there will probably be some sort of Magnus-based twist.

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Incident/CAT#R#DPHW Master Sheet and Terminology Sheet

DPHW Theory: 3366 is a very pleasing set of numbers. This one matches episode 8's Architecture (Liminal) -/- Hunger too which I mention for the thematic symmetry. They're quite different incidents but has some similar elements. Which I think is a good indication of my theory's strength. You'd expect some sort of parallels to be able to be drawn if these numbers were ratings in categories as I've laid out. It's not definitive proof but it's more than I've had to talk about here for a while.

CAT# Theory: CAT2 is another obviously "wrong" one for the Person/Place/Object theory IMO. Hilltop is a place but Hilltop didn't cause it and it didn't happen to Hilltop. [Error] made a dude turn into concrete. Fairly useless to pin that one on the location. I think there are more than enough of these obviously faulty ones that I can stop mentioning it come season 2. Hopefully I'll have my own theory to talk about by then too.

R# Theory: We've finally got our first S. It's been long awaited if only by myself. Generally, I'm very pleased with this. An S on this case is some of the best evidence I've had that I'm correct about the general purpose of Ranks. A still living concrete man is undeniable evidence of the supernatural. No amount of explaining it away changes the fact a man turned into concrete and lived to tell the tale. It's still not 100% certain if Rank is purely about evidence or more about urgency in general but I do think now it's fairly clear that if I'm not entirely correct it's the right path.

Header talk: Transmutation (Human) -/- Isolation (Urban). Very little to talk about on that one but it's interesting to see the continued difference between transformation and transmutation.

[mermaidsirennikita]

ARC REVIEW: No Ordinary Duchess by Elizabeth Hoyt

4.75/5. Releases 12/10/24.

The Vibes: stern hero/perky heroine, femdom with an alpha submissive, caretaking, and soothing long-held wounds

Heat Index: 8/10

The Basics:

Elspeth and Julian come from families with a deep history of betrayal and dislike. He's cold, brooding, and strictly regimented; she's free-spirited, quirky, and... oh yeah, aligned with a centuries-old secret society of Wise Women. Julian is on the hunt that his wicked uncle murdered his mother, which brings him directly into Elspeth's path as she seeks out an ancient text of vital importance. As they continue on their separate missions, they keep running into each other—and sharing secrets... and perhaps discovering that their feelings run far beyond on the forbidden....

The Review:

THE QUEEN HAS RETURNED.

I will read anything Elizabeth Hoyt writes. She's written several all-time favorites of mine (Thief of Shadows, Duke of Midnight, The Raven Prince, Sweetest Scoundrel... to name a few) and her Maiden Lane series is, as far as I'm concerned, one of the greatest things committed to the romance genre. She takes big swings, she writes some of the best sex scenes on the block, and she pays equal attention to the characterization of her tortured heroes and her varied heroines who, frankly, rarely have time for said heroes' collective shit.

I have missed her, and I was honestly getting a little worried that she'd decided to take a step back. But I kept the faith! And it paid off, because this return release is everything I could have asked for. It reminds me of what historical romance can be, how it can stretch, and how it can, at the same time, harken back to the bonkers romps I love most.

There is, by the way, a bonkers overarching plot that honestly isn't as wild as Hoyt can get, but. You know. There's a mystical ancient society of goddess-abiding women and also the whole thing where Elspeth's brother killed Julian's sister (Many Thoughts On This) and the hunt for two separate crucial books... It's still wacky. And it should be!

That being said, this plot falls to the wayside in favor of Julian and Elspeth's relationship and character development. I feel like the first Greycourt book, Not the Duke's Darling, which I actually did like, might not have hit as hard for some readers because the Other Plot kind of overtook the Romance Plot. That is not the case here at all. Elspeth and Julian are so front and center that I feel like the Other Plot is borderline tangential, aside from the battle against the Evil Uncle (who you will have seen in When A Rogue Meets His Match, which I really enjoyed a lot but need to reread). You get a satisfying follow-through on all that, but you're absolutely reading for a truly swoony, hot, FEELINGS-Y romance.

I am a longtime lover of books that are basically "stoic man who's constantly wrapped up in his tragic backstory is flabbergasted by That Broad's Audacity". That... could just be how you sum up this book. At every turn, Julian, who it must be said is stupid hot, tries to stay devoted to his brooding. And at every turn, Elspeth pokes him, blinks, and goes "Why is that?"

When she's not reading Georgian porn. Which she does a lot, for someone who's on the hunt for an ancient, super important book. While also dodging assassination attempts. And that's so valid of her.

Julian just can't deal with Elspeth. She baffles him. He's supposed to hate her! She's the sister of the guy who killed his sister! Mortal enemies and all that! Also, she's seriously getting in the way of his own hunt, what with her constantly getting almost murdered and, you know, That Ass. And she's just so disarming, so honest (... in some ways), so blunt about her interests, her desires, what she believes in and what she doesn't. She immediately begins worming her way into his heart, while also making him Hard As A Rock.

But he can't allow for worming into hearts! Not when he has so many secrets, from Plotty Secrets I can't tell you about, to Sexy Secrets I can tell you about. In many ways, this book is basically a classic melting of the hero book. But instead of Elspeth melting Julian with her good, innocent heart... She's melting him with her dogged inability to be anything other than who she is. And her disinterest in being anything other than who she is, for that matter. Which is such a great contrast to Julian, a man struggling to deny who he is, to be what society wants him to be.

It's Uptight Meets Wild in a lot of ways, but Elspeth's a unique form of a rebellious heroine. She's not super concerned about society, but she's also open about her lack of experience in some ways. She's not mean in any way, shape or form. She doesn't have a chip on her shoulder. She's not really like... fighting society? There's one tirade she has about the hypocrisy of it all, but it's less "Fight the power" than "this is so fucking stupid". Which is a refreshing take on it all. Elspeth doesn't get it because it's all so dumb that like... no one as real as her should be able to get it.

And before anyone goes in on how unrealistic this is, A) it isn't B) this is a romance novel C) it actually makes sense, because Elspeth's backstory literally involves being raised in an anti-society, weird family with their own ingrained beliefs and customs. Literally away from high society.

For all that I think the sex scenes in this book will be a major talking point (more on that later)... dude. This shit is so soft at points. You have multiple scenes where Julian just catches himself wanting to stare at this woman. Even before she understands the extent of his pain, she wants to care for him. This is not an enemies to lovers book, despite the enmity between their families. There's a melancholy to their forbidden, especially on Julian's part. He's baffled by Elspeth, but he doesn't dislike her. He's not even in denial about his feelings for her, after a point. He just truly doesn't think they can be.

On some more technical points—this JUMPS right into the story. They meet on like... the second page. The plot kicks off immediately. I've seen so many slooooow, overlong new releases lately. This is a brisk, story that reads so quickly and isn't in any way overlong. You have an extended chunk that takes place in one setting, and yet... plot happens. Character development happens. Relationship building happens. Julian and Elspeth are together for so much of the pagetime, despite their opposite goals.

None of this should be like... notable. But it is. You feel the expertise in the writing here. She's just one of the best to ever do it, in my opinion.

Also! I respect Elizabeth's process and whatever may affect her writing schedule. But my God, I hope we get more Greycourt books, and I hope we get them fairly soon. I counted at least three possibilities for future love stories. And I have Thoughts.

The Sex:

NOW. On to the elephant in the room. The good elephant. The elephant that is as big as Julian's Appendage.

As I said earlier, Elizabeth Hoyt writes some of the best sex scenes in romance. They're unique, they're earthy, they feel tailored to the character. She uses language that is sometimes anatomical and sometimes campy and sometimes like... feels kinda filthy, even though I've read filthier?

Julian's struggles lie in the fact that, for all that he is cold and domineering and stoic, he's submissive in the bedroom. While Hoyt has definitely dabbled in some light kink in earlier books, I would say that a lot of it tends towards like... The kind of kinkiness you often seem in historicals. Where there are definitely dog whistles, but it may not be intentional (historical romance has long lended itself to an unconscious dip into D/s dynamics, in my opinion) historical romance kink often isn't explictly stated.

Here, it's called out for what it is, the societal judgments about it (some of which remain to this day, mind) are discussed, and Julian has processes. Elspeth is more than down. It's like he's unintentionally found his perfect woman (sexually, at least).

But for all that this is explicitly a femdom romance, I think it skirts around so many stereotypes, and it is not, in my opinion, a BDSM romance. They don't get into anything super OTT or formalized. It's really something Julian just... needs. And it's really not a sadomasochism situation at all. It's truly about this soft domme/sub dynamic. He wants to serve, and he wants to be cared for. His submission and what it gives him is described so beautifully. There's a lot of caretaking in this book.

Which doesn't in any way take away from how hot the book is, mind. There's a really unique de-emphasis on something historicals and honestly romance in general often obsesses over, which was so refreshing. There's a true sensitivity to why Julian is into this, and where it stops for him. I feel like Hoyt was doing a sendup of the tortured alpha here, while also exploring what that can mean in more unique scenarios. It was so good.

And so... sooooo hot. There's a lot of body worship in general and pussy worship specifically. Elspeth is curvy, and has her moments of insecurity, and Julian LOVES her body.

Those of us who missed some fun Hoyt-isms about sex are well-rewarded. "Lazily mouthed her cunny" is like.... everything....................

Basically: I loved this. I am so glad she's back. I hope she's back for good (but no pressure). I want a million more Hoyt books. I will, again, read whatever she writes. When I tell y'all she's showing us how it's done... I mean it.

Thanks to Forever and NetGalley for providing me with a copy of this book. All thoughts and opinions are my own.

[vidavalor]

Hi! In your post earlier today discussing the importance of subplots, you said

“You might think a subplot about The Hellhound and The Ginger Cat learning to play nice and that they have a fuckton in common and should maybe bury the hatchet and just become eternal bffs already is filler but Crowley and Gabriel aligning is set up for the end game.”

and you included a gif of them looking out the window together while Crowley explains his plan to make Nina and Maggie “vavoom.” It reminded me of something that puzzled me on yesterday’s rewatch, and I thought maybe you might have written about it already or, if not, have some thoughts you could share.

We see multiple glimpses of Crowley and Jim/Gabriel in the bookshop while Aziraphale is away in Edinburgh. Crowley seems tolerant, even maybe friendly — certainly not afraid. Then, in the “smited? smote? smitten” scene, we see Crowley wary of returning to the bookshop because of the “amnesiac archangel hiding out” there. And, when he does go to “talk to” Gabriel/Jim at Aziraphale’s suggestion, he is clearly very angry.

I guess I’m wondering why we see Crowley go from initially suspicious (terrified) to seemingly unconcerned (willing to bond alone with Jim in the bookshop) to suspicious (angry) again. I’m not sure whether the important part here is the absence of suspicion in the middle or the return of suspicion nearer the end.

(On a side note, after countless rewatches, this is the first time I heard Crowley whistle at Aziraphale at the start of the smitten scene!)

I appreciate any thoughts you might have to share and I’m grateful for all your recent posts about the upcoming conclusion to this story. I’m glad that be getting one and thought your recent statement summed it up perfectly. “It's going to be very queer and very Pratchett and very good.”

Hi there, @killingmenotatallsoftly! Thanks for reading that meta, for the kind words & for the ask. 💕 I'd be happy to share some thoughts & you can see what you think. There is hot chocolate, of course, because there is nothing more appropriate for meta involving Gabriel and tough topics than that. *starts gathering marshmallows and other mix-in options*

I'm really glad you sent this question because I've seen some other people with similar confusion. I think I can help because Crowley's behavior, imho, is 150% a trauma-related thing. It's actually such a good portrayal of it that diving a bit on this fictional demon's issues might be helpful for some for better recognizing trauma-adjacent behavior with actual people in real life as well, which is why I wound up making this post a whole thing about how trauma informs a lot of Crowley's behavior. That is why it took a minute-- thank you for your patience! 😊

A deep dive under the cut below on how Crowley's PTSD is shown in his behavior, including in his response to Gabriel's presence in the bookshop, and what all of this has to do with his story arc around self-doubt.

TWs: PTSD; anxiety; rape; fire-related trauma... if Crowley's living with it, it's probably in here somewhere.

Crowley's up-and-down response to Gabriel in S2 actually doesn't have that all much to do with Gabriel himself. It has everything, though, to do with Crowley's own trauma-adjacent self-doubt issues.

When a person survives traumatic events, they are very often wired as a result of the trauma to become hyper-vigilant when it comes to their sense of personal safety. This is especially true of those who, like Crowley, have suffered violations to their bodily autonomy and those who, also like Crowley, have developed PTSD. This is related to the self-doubt issues, as we'll see.

One example of this self-doubt is given to us in S2 and that's the revelation that, since S1, Crowley-- a demon of Hell who can make fire with his body-- is now, as a result of the bookshop fire in S1, terrified of fire.

Fire has become a trigger for Crowley's PTSD to such an extent that Aziraphale, in an effort to help Crowley manage his anxiety over this, has replaced every candle in the bookshop with battery-operated ones and scattered fire extinguishers all over the shop. He's even replaced the tapers in the candelabra with LED battery-operated ones so they can continue their candlelit dinners, noticeable when he wields the candelabra like a sword during the bookshop attack.

Aziraphale has done this because the fire in S1 had so triggered Crowley's PTSD that he had been having trouble relaxing in the bookshop, which is the only place he has been able to go for the last few hundred years and be and feel truly safe.

Changing the lights to battery-powered and electric ones are an effort to reduce the likelihood of another fire and the fire extinguishers are there to help Crowley feel more in control. He needs to know that he can quickly and easily put out another fire, should one start. Aziraphale understands this and has been doing what he does best, which is try to help Crowley feel safe.

Crowley's continued trauma over the bookshop fire is also a great example of self-doubt, though, in the sense that he's in a period with his PTSD where it has worsened and, as a result, Crowley is afraid of something that his body is actually capable of making.

In other words: he's afraid of himself.

In S2, Crowley is having trouble overcoming self-doubt about his ability to assess a situation, which can be a very common element of PTSD.

It's not a new thing for Crowley but it was worsened by him watching in S1 as his safe space and the place he considers his home burnt down around him while he, more importantly, thought he had lost the only person he feels truly safe with-- the love of his life-- all at once.

So, why and how does Crowley doubt his ability to assess a situation?

What often happens as a result of being raped is that the person who was harmed feels as if it were their own mistakes that led them to be in a place to have been attacked and that, while the perpetrator is to blame for the assault, they themselves hold some blame for having been in a position where they were vulnerable to being hurt.

This is not true. The only person who holds blame here is the perpetrator and, intellectually, many survivors know that, but trauma response is emotional, not logical. Whether it's conscious, semi-conscious, or unconscious, one of the most difficult aspects to heal from for someone who has survived these kinds of horrors is often the feeling that they hold some blame for it.

Often, resulting behavior from this, though, is that the survivor is always worried on some level that there's something that they are missing that could impact their ability to accurately read a situation.

They are worried that they're going to miss something that puts them in a position to be hurt again in some way or that will endanger those they care about. After all, they think, if they once failed to judge the situation that got them so badly harmed, how can they trust themselves to be sure that they won't make a similar mistake again?

This causes them to react with an extreme sense of hypervigilance around safety that can often get a bit illogical at times, depending on the situation.

This all goes hand-in-hand with other trauma-related behavior we see in Crowley, especially his control-seeking behavior. To be clear: I am not saying controlling behavior, I am saying control-seeking behavior-- rituals and actions in everyday life that are about trying to regain through unrelated things the sense of self-control that was taken in the assault. Crowley's sunglasses, driving, obsessive cleaning, etc. are all examples of control-seeking behavior.

Everyone reacts differently to different forms of trauma but Crowley's story is using pretty much all the hallmarks of common struggles and behavior patterns in people who have been assaulted and who have developed rape-related PTSD and, at the same time, it has shown Satan assaulting him through non-consensual possession, emphasized that as allegorical for rape all over the story, and shown that it was not a new thing the first time we saw it in 1.01.

There is nothing funny about having suffered trauma but there can be some objectively funny aspects to trying to deal with the aftermath of it. Good Omens is great at finding humor in the dark things while also respecting that it's dark stuff, which is a tricky line to walk but is something that is done very well in a very trauma-informed way in Discworld. Sometimes, the easiest way to come at the dark stuff is actually through a comedy but it's a delicate thing and I think what resonates about it in this story for people who have been through different traumas is how they hit the right notes with it.

Crowley's obsessive cleanliness, his spotless flat, his alphabetized music and books, are all because he self-soothes by maintaining order when it comes to the material objects around him. He is at home in Aziraphale's cluttered bookshop but he needs that particular clutter to be undisturbed to a point that he's bothered by Gabriel moving one pile of books from one place to another.

The sunglasses are an attempt at control-seeking behavior because they allow him control over how others see him and mask his full expression from others, allowing him to feel more powerful by feeling more aloof. The biggest example of this stuff, though, is The Bentley.

It's a truth universally acknowledged that many, many people who are pretty far into rape recovery and are more functioning than not with PTSD, if they've developed it, fucking love to drive.

This might initially seem counter-intuitive to what I'm saying because the hypervigilance aspects of PTSD and the overall concern for safety sometimes result in survivors being less risk-averse and driving comes with risks. Its rewards tend to outweigh those risks for many survivors pretty quickly, though. Driving is actually an activity that helps build back self-trust in survivors and it's the ultimate in a sense of control.

People who have survived stuff like this benefit from small, frequent examples of successful situations of which they were fully in control to help build self-trust and work on overcoming self-doubt.

Driving a car requires the successful navigation of several tons worth of machinery from Point A to Point B without accident or injury and back again. It's simple but simple is often the point because survivors need both to feel in control of themselves and their immediate environment while also proving to themselves that they can trust themselves to assess situations. Driving solves those issues at once and helps build that confidence back in people.

It's what makes the already horrifying scene in 1.01 a thousand times worse. The decision to show Satan going through every one of Crowley's desperate attempts at defenses is what emphasizes the brutality of this but it was the fact that Crowley was driving when this happened as part of our re-introduction to him in the first episode that makes it even worse.

That his control over the car is forcibly taken from him and he has to watch as he comes within a breath of killing the guy in the on-coming truck is basically one of his worst nightmares. This guy we've seen wearing the dark clothes, the sunglasses at night, dripping in snark, is already someone for whom abuse is clearly, horribly, nothing new, but it's seeing him lose control of his ability to drive that emphasizes the horror of his loss of control over himself.

This moment is mercifully fairly short, if only because of Crowley needing to deliver the baby to start Armageddon. It shows us, though, that the point is the cruelty with Satan. The only information he gives to Crowley during the assault are instructions as to where to drop off the baby-- information that Hastur & Ligur could have been told to verbally give Crowley. He assaulted Crowley for his own pleasure, to try to exert power and control over him, and part of that involved not relinquishing control so Crowley could drive until Crowley almost killed a human... all with Satan's own infant son in the backseat the whole time. Crowley's inability to use miracles when possessed like that means he wouldn't have been able to stop Satan from forcing him to do someone harm (compounding the guilt and self-loathing from his fall) and he might have thought, during one or more times of this, that he was going to die himself.

So. Yeah. Many people who go through the real world horrors that Crowley's story is about are often just like he is, in that they usually have an overwhelmingly common tendency to need to feel every bit of control over themselves that they can, in an effort to compensate for the control that was robbed from them. They often like to drive, they often relax by cleaning, they likely will absolutely self-soothe by re-alphabetizing their already alphabetized collections...

They might even also try to deal with these control problems and their anger and depression by taking that 'grow a garden to experience some self-trust wins' thing a little too intensely...

I'm not even being tongue-in-cheek here-- gardening, especially small batches of indoor container gardening, is one of the most frequently recommended activities for people who suffer from PTSD. It's low-maintenance enough that it doesn't overwhelm someone experiencing anxiety and/or depression and there are some houseplants that are borderline unkillable, making it a safe, likely win.

Keeping plants alive can be therapeutic for people who find it difficult to trust themselves because they can often find a win in having looked after the plant's basic needs enough to have kept it from dying, which also comes with the joy and pride in seeing it grow. We all can see from a hundred miles away Crowley's issues projected all the fuck over his gardening 😂 but, as um, Crowls, you good over there? as him pretty clearly reenacting his fall and lording over his plants, it's a healthier direction for his anger than taking it out on people would be. Better he's screaming at the plants he thinks don't really understand him than at Aziraphale.

The spots on the leaves really, really bother him, though, because he personalizes the growth of the plants. The criticism isn't really about the plants-- it's self-criticism he's projecting onto them. If the plants aren't lushing up perfectly constantly, Crowley yells at them but he's really blaming himself because he's the one in control of taking care of them. The spots, in his mind, reflect a failure on his part to have anticipated the needs of the plants-- a situation he did not properly assess, a thing that he should have seen coming and missed.

He's yelling at them on the surface and, internally, trying to figure out what he did wrong. Did they need more fertilizer or less? More water, more sun, and when? How did he not see the yellow spot coming?! <insert negative self-thoughts as a result of this here>

Obviously, not super-healthy, right?

The concept of 'sometimes, plants just get yellow leaves and one or two here or there is not a big problem'? That is difficult for Crowley, just as the concept that, sometimes, a person is not going to be able to judge every single situation perfectly and most mistakes there are not a big deal, is also difficult for him and people like him who have experienced trauma and have a lot of self-doubt as a result.

All this need for a sense of control over himself is also what makes the show's several references to Crowley enjoying Aziraphale periodically restraining him in bed such a big deal. The level of trust it takes for that to be even attempted, let alone enjoyable, for someone who has been raped is enormous. Sex, as a whole, can get understandably complicated for rape survivors. There's this bit o'meta about all that mindful sushi, if looking at that aspect of this story is of interest to you.

Right, so, all of this control-seeking, hypervigilant, self-doubting behavior also causes very high levels of anxiety in survivors. As would make sense, right, because if you're worried that you're missing something, you're attempting to be hyperaware of everything, all the time, in an effort to not be blindsided and harmed, and that gets stressful.

To give you an example of how used to Crowley having periods of high anxiety like this Aziraphale is, look no further than The Meeting Ball, when Aziraphale initially failed to see one example of Crowley's high anxiety actually being more warranted than just alarmist, simply because he's so used to Crowley's default state, especially of late, being something is wrong.

Aziraphale overlooks the possibility of Crowley being right about this danger because Aziraphale is going through his own stuff on this night but also because he's so used to Crowley being constantly jumpy and worried about everything that it's gotten to a point that his default response is to just try to help Crowley calm down because, nine times out of ten, there's no real, actual danger.

Aziraphale thinks Crowley's just nervous about the party so he's just like ok tell me what's upsetting you and I'll listen and we can talk but let's dance while we talk. He flirts with him and tries to get him to eat a vol-au-vent during The Meeting Ball because talking with him, hearing his worries, and then offering him reassurance and affection and trying to help him calm down by making sure he's not spiraling worse from low blood sugar and the like is Aziraphale's (genuinely helpful and effective) go-to strategy.

In Aziraphale's defense? Crowley's like this all the time and most of the time, he's grossly over-estimating the danger because he's anxious, so it's more often than not the case that Crowley is just overly-cautious rather than that something is genuinely wrong. Aziraphale tries to just provide Crowley the reassurance that Crowley seeks from him that they are safe (while making sure that they genuinely are safe) and to help him with perspective.

These same people who are survivors, though? They can be very, very different in behavior when they are in a situation where they aren't being triggered as much by their PTSD.

They can be patient, kind, thoughtful, and great at big picture thinking and managing life when they are in a situation that is not triggering. They can be wonderful friends and partners and, maybe because of being exceptionally in tune to noticing trauma in others, they can also be really exceptional at helping loved ones manage their own dark stuff, as we've seen Crowley show time and again with Aziraphale.

The key thing here is that they're at their best when they're not in a situation where they're being triggered by the things they're trying to manage themselves. When those things are overwhelming them, it's going to be pretty much all they can deal with or think about until the situation becomes manageable for them.

This is basically the state of things for Crowley for much of S2 and in his interactions with Gabriel, which we're on the scenic route to here, I promise. 😉

When triggered by something that they experience as a threat to their safety, many survivors can experience a panicked kind of tunnel vision. Their only response becomes about getting as far away from the threat as possible, as fast as is possible.

Logic tends to fall by the wayside in these situations. Crowley's default response of running away to Alpha Centauri whenever he thinks Hell is after them is the most trauma response that has ever trauma responsed. It makes absolutely no logical sense. Heaven and Hell can absolutely find them in the star system they all share. The reason why Crowley chooses this as his default is because, in reality, there is nowhere for him to run to escape Heaven and Hell and his default response is to just get as far away as possible.

It's to literally put as much distance between himself and potential harm as possible, as quickly as possible, even if he cannot ultimately outrun it. This fear response is the body flooding itself with cortisol and other stress hormones screaming we are under attack! at the first sign of danger as its strategy for keeping another attack from happening. It's an almost animal instinct to run for safety.

To Crowley, safety is Aziraphale and a threat from Heaven or Hell looming means he goes into a state of tunnel vision where all he can think about is keeping Aziraphale and himself safe in whatever way he can manage. In S1, that meant getting Aziraphale into the car and apparently Chitty Chitty Bang Banging it to Alpha Centauri-- just getting as far from pain as possible with the person who makes him feel safe and whom he cannot bear the thought of losing.

Did it make any sense? Good heavens, no. Neither did asking Aziraphale for holy water in a panic in the public park where the listening ducks had ears back in 1862, which is a very similar kind of PTSD-induced panic but one that can see a survivor run in a different way, which I looked at over here in this post about insurance, should you be interested.

The problem is that a person that is panicking cannot think clearly and so isn't super-great at making a strategic plan to overcome whatever the threat actually is-- presuming there even is a legitimate threat.

While Crowley is under threat from Hell in the Alpha Centauri scene in S1, he's panicked and all he can really think to do is to get safe which, for Crowley, means getting Aziraphale and getting as far away from the danger as possible, even if that isn't a great plan for actually eliminating the overall threat of the danger itself.

This is basically the same thing as his initial response to Gabriel in S2.

Crowley has legitimate reason to be afraid of Gabriel after S1 and his panic over seeing him again in the bookshop is understandable and no joke. Good Omens, though, is good at finding the humor in the darkness, and Crowley's outsized response to Jim as the scenes continue gets amusing, even as the reasons for it are dark.

When Aziraphale first saw Gabriel at the door, he was obviously and understandably surprised and anxious. He was able, though, to evaluate the situation rationally and make decisions based on the facts in front of him because his own traumatic experiences are a bit different from Crowley's. Aziraphale does not have rape-related PTSD. This is why Aziraphale is able to look at Gabriel from the get-go, see that he doesn't pose a threat to them, and begin to consider that he and Crowley and Gabriel might all need one another.

Crowley takes longer to get to this place because he takes one look at Gabriel, whom he believes that he last saw trying to kill Aziraphale and who is now in the middle of their bookshop safe space, and his PTSD goes into overdrive.

What makes this funny is also what emphasizes the horror show that is living with PTSD that Crowley exemplifies, which is that Gabriel in 2.01 could not possibly be less threatening.

He's wearing a tartan toga and not much else when Crowley first sees him. (Aziraphale was really hoping that would help mitigate the alarm for Crowley lol.) Gabriel's dusting the books. He's super-friendly. We're all calling him Jim now, for whatever reason. He is, quite clearly, having a complete and utter mental health breakdown, and is in desperate need of help. It doesn't take much to see that, all things in the past aside, their naked man friend is not really especially scary-- a fact that becomes more evident with each passing moment.

Crowley's response to this, though, is if Aziraphale had invited Hannibal Lecter over for dinner. His initial response is what, of course?

To get as far from Gabriel as he can!

The immediate response to this from Crowley is just basically running for the private room in the back of the bookshop, shutting himself inside it with Aziraphale, and looking at the closed door with an eye so watchful that you'd think he expects Gabriel to Kool-Aid Man through it at any moment.

Crowley is literally incapable of thinking logically at this point. His mind and his body are screaming at him that this situation is unsafe because Crowley's trauma over the body swap in Heaven is such that he's never been able to think rationally about it or about how he and Aziraphale have managed to elude deception all this time. He's never considered the idea that Gabriel is as trapped as they are and was flanked by other angels Up there and so had to lay it on thick or risk death himself.

To Crowley for most of S2, Gabriel is a villain and that's the end of it, and he's certainly not capable of thinking this through right after he sees him in the bookshop again, as he's triggered to the moon and back. Nuanced thinking-- the stuff that big-picture thinkers like Crowley are usually very good at doing-- goes out the window when they're triggered.

The only person that Crowley feels truly safe with is Aziraphale. Aziraphale has earned a level of trust with Crowley where, even in Crowley's most panicked state, it's never just his own safety he's concerned with but his and Aziraphale's. He can't run without Aziraphale because he can't live without Aziraphale. Aziraphale is the only one who gets to see him at his worst with managing his PTSD because he's the only one Crowley truly trusts.

Gabriel is in the bookshop, though, so it's not like they can run from him because this is their house 😂 so Crowley's PTSD pivots it to become that if they can't get away from Gabriel here, then they need to get Gabriel away from them.

To Crowley, Gabriel is immediately a threat and one that needs to be gotten as far away from him, Aziraphale, and their bookshop safe space as quickly as possible.

This is how Crowley's initial plan for how to deal with Gabriel is the absolutely hilariously ineffectual "we could drive him out to the middle of nowhere and leave him for dead!"

Right, and what's the plan for when the angels show up at the bookshop looking for him, Crowley? Do we also have a strategy for how we're going to feel about leaving a guy who can't remember his own name in the cold on the side of the road when we're a soft-hearted, Jemimah's-pot-saving, Richard-Curtis-film-devotee marshmallow? No? Of course not. 😂

There's no logic here. This is an ineffectual as running to Alpha Centauri. He's pacing and wide-eyed and not even really trying with the PTSD response at this point, completely impervious to Aziraphale's more rational honey, I don't think the amnesiac guy in the towel is going to kill us opinion of the situation.

What Crowley needs is for Gabriel to be nowhere near him and the precious, peaceful, fragile existence he's carved out for himself here, right?

And, ouch, Crowley, when it's clear that Aziraphale is right-- this existence (really: a life) is one that they've carved out for themselves, together. Crowley is choosing, though, to respond as if Aziraphale isn't listening to to his need for safety when, in reality, Aziraphale wouldn't have allowed Gabriel to stay if he hadn't deemed him safe to both he and Crowley. Crowley is scared so he's saying I can't be around him, I can't deal with this. It's my life, not ours, if you're letting him stay here, which leads to their argument.

PTSD is hard to manage, especially when new triggers come up unexpectedly out of nowhere during a time that is already been difficult, and we've been given some indications elsewhere in the season that Crowley's been struggling of late, like the fact that he's having an existential crisis on the park bench at the start of 2.01, among other things. Crowley can usually can do better than this with managing his PTSD and he fails at it while Aziraphale winds up more successful with his own trauma-adjacent issues during their argument, resulting it being Crowley who is apologizing later on. Aziraphale understands, though, and lets it go with the apology because he knows how difficult this is to deal with, especially when they are not fully free of Heaven and Hell.

The reason why Crowley cannot look at the Jim situation in the first moments he's informed of it with anything resembling logic has nothing to do with Aziraphale or Gabriel, though.

It's entirely because Crowley struggles to be able to trust himself to be able to judge what this situation actually is.

Being always worried that there's something going unseen that could lead to harm for themselves or the people they love leads PTSD sufferers to feel a lot of stress and anxiety. This is especially true because, to an extent, missing something will eventually be a self-fulfilling prophecy at some point, just because no one sees everything clearly all the time.

Everyone misjudges situations at times or doesn't see what a person was trying to say or do. Not all of these are five alarm fire situations but no one gets it right all the time and, when that happens to someone who has PTSD, it can worsen self-doubt issues.

The problem for people with PTSD is that, sometimes, worsening self-doubt issues can snowball. If they miss something and that worsens the self-doubt, they might then wind up in a panicked tunnel vision state of mind. This heightened level of panic might cause them to keep making mistakes and misinterpreting situations or intent with other people, causing more errors in judgement. It hammers away at their ability to feel like they can trust themselves to accurately judge situations and keep themselves safe, worsening their state of mind. This happens with Crowley in S2 and it's actually still on-going heading into The Finale because he's missing something massive in The Final 15, which is you can read more about in The Kiss, if you're interested.

Crowley already had been suffering for awhile ahead of S2 with the loss of control and feeling of having misjudged a situation in S1 that led to what he thought at the time was the loss of both the bookshop and Aziraphale. This was bad enough but, then, something else happened in 2.01 that caused the self-doubt to get really bad for the rest of the season and that affected his interactions with Gabriel.

That thing was his conversation with Beez about The Book of Life.

When Beez brings up The Book of Life, Crowley has an immediate answer. He has a memory of him and Beez having made up The Book of Life to tease more impressionable angels. He has a memory that Beez does not and Beez's expression says that they think that Crowley might be correct. (We see their expression but they are angled away from Crowley, who does not.)

Beez is embarrassed to think that they've been afraid of a thing that is something of their own making and not real. A thing that is of someone's own making and only as real a threat as they allow it to be?

That's also true of anxiety.

The Book of Life being something that Crowley and Beez once made up as angels that reflected their anxiety over living in Heaven becoming something that they convince themselves is a real threat is a plot that works basically the same way as anxiety does and emphasizes that anxiety as part of both of their stories.

Beez's embarrassment over having believed this results in them doubling down over it being true. Crowley could have decided that he was sure about his own memories but, instead, he chose to default to Beez, assuming that they would know more from running Hell and that it must be him who was incorrect.

There's that self-doubt again.

He trusted Beez over his own mind because he doubts his ability to accurately parse his own memories at times-- which is to say that he doubts himself.

The irony is that it's this lack of self-trust that causes him to doubt his own mind that leads him to believe in The Book of Life and not mention it to Aziraphale all season, in a misguided effort to protect him and not give more to worry about, that means that Crowley is so worried about The Book of Life that he can't see what is actually happening in The Final 15.

So, after talking with Beez, Crowley is now even more anxious, because he thinks that they're all going to die if they get caught helping Gabriel. He absolutely knows that helping Gabriel is the right thing to do but living with the up-and-down of PTSD is this level of exhausting:

Here's where we can add in the extra-stressful layer to helping Gabriel here, which is that Crowley has been, more or less, living in the bookshop. He and Aziraphale both get "plenty of use" out of it and various hints-- the book he gives Muriel being likely his own; the fact that Gabriel appears to be wearing Crowley's tie and shoes later on, etc., a bunch of other, little things-- emphasize that the bookshop is, unofficially, also Crowley's house.

Aziraphale's got Gabriel staying in a bedroom in the residence upstairs and it's shown a bunch of times to be next door to the room at the top of the stairs, the door to which stays shut all season but is, more than likely, Crowley and Aziraphale's bedroom. Gabriel's presence in the shop to Crowley means that he and Aziraphale are risking Gabriel getting the impression that they are a couple. (Like seeing them for three seconds together wouldn't give someone this impression lol.) It might not matter that much to Jim who doesn't know what the fuck is going on lol but Crowley's more concerned about what happens if the person he thinks is Gabriel suddenly pops out of Jim. What happens if Jim's amnesia disappears and the nice dude becomes this evil person that Crowley has convinced himself that Gabriel must be?

Crowley was never really that safe in his flat but he doesn't have that to go to anymore because, ya know, kipping with Shax around isn't the most zen way to unwind. He hasn't told Aziraphale for reasons looked at in that The Kiss meta linked above but part of why Aziraphale hasn't realized it is because Crowley is just in the shop most nights until the early morning hours. He leaves before dawn in an effort to keep them from being caught. The bookshop is basically Crowley's house, too, so having Gabriel stay there means them figuring out what to do about the fact that they've been trying to hide their relationship for thousands of years.

Crowley is having difficulty processing the idea that, amnesia aside, Jim is Gabriel, and that Gabriel came to him and Aziraphale for help. Aziraphale is more capable of seeing that he and Crowley are the ones in control of the situation, which he helps Crowley to see a bit more once Crowley has calmed down from the initial shock of it and come back to the shop, worried about The Book of Life threat and feeling guilty about their argument and, especially, about saying that he's leaving Aziraphale on his own, when he knows that's as triggering for Aziraphale as all of this Gabriel stuff has been for Crowley himself.

As Crowley sees a little more of Jim and how really vulnerable he is ("Hello! Where did you come from?... Can I go to the outside?" lol)... and as Aziraphale gives Crowley a task-- something he can do to help and to feel in control of what's happening... Crowley gets a little bit more comfortable with what's happening, if still nowhere near relaxed about it.

Crowley is shown to be very unsure about Aziraphale acting in a way that is normal for them when in the shop with him around Gabriel-- mainly, with Aziraphale getting so near to him and moving to touch him in a way that, if Crowley hadn't backed up, would have been ridiculously couple-y. Crowley isn't sure what the whole deal with Jim really is at this point and he's not sure that he wants Gabriel to see anything that suggests that he's Aziraphale's partner, even if that's exactly what he is.

The irony here is that Gabriel's first scene in the first episode-- the one in the sushi restaurant that is cut into off of Crowley being assaulted-- shows that Gabriel had absolutely no reason for being there in the restaurant that night other than to try to help Crowley by telling Aziraphale what was happening and then trying to tell Aziraphale that he'd cover for him and Crowley. He told Aziraphale that he was under special assignment to watch Crowley (which, as Aziraphale pointed out in the scene, is just Aziraphale's usual job lol) and to "keep him under close observation." (Interesting, doctoral choice of phrasing from Gabriel there.) He was giving Aziraphale an excuse-- if you get caught, we can say that I gave you this assignment and I'll do what I can to protect you both is essentially the message.

Gabriel's entire reason for being in the sushi restaurant was because his informant (Beez) was upset over not being able to keep Crowley out of Armageddon and Gabriel's response to that was to try to help Crowley and Aziraphale by trying to tell Aziraphale listen, I'll take care of Heaven. You just take care of Crowley. His very first scene in the show is him trying to do what he could to help Crowley but Crowley and Aziraphale don't really see this and remain afraid of him when, in reality, 1.01 suggests that Gabriel and Beez have been trying to protect them all along and are the strongest allies they both have.

In S2, Aziraphale is in a more logical place. Gabriel has amnesia, showed up naked, needs help. Even if he recovers, he owes them one, and he also protected Aziraphale from Sandalphon in S1. They can trust him and they are the ones in control of the situation. Crowley manages to listen to Aziraphale's idea, though, as he's calmed down a little bit by seeing again just how unthreatening Jim is and by Aziraphale taking charge of what they can do and giving Crowley something specific that he can do to help protect all of them.

Aziraphale all smiles at seeing Crowley grinning and hippity-hopping for the first time since the whole mess started...

Aziraphale knows Crowley well and he knows that, sometimes, Crowley needs to prove to himself that he can handle things and tries to find ways that he can help by having Crowley do something to help prove to himself that he can trust himself the way that Aziraphale trusts him.

Aziraphale's confidence in Crowley helps Crowley trust himself more, as we saw on full display in S2 in one of the biggest moments in the series:

Chief among Aziraphale's many reasons for being the one of the two of them to go to Edinburgh is that he wanted to help Crowley by giving him control over the bookshop and the Jim situation.

By trusting Crowley to mind the shop and care for Gabriel while he was gone, Aziraphale was reiterating that he trusted Crowley to judge accurately any situations, including those with the angels, that might come up. He was trusting him to manage his PTSD, in spite of the struggles with it that Crowley had been having that week, because he trusts Crowley, which is a reminder that Crowley needs a lot and that can be very helpful in boosting his confidence in his ability to trust himself.

Aziraphale also knew that Crowley was tired and didn't want him to feel kicked out of his home. Aziraphale didn't know that Crowley was living out of his car but he didn't know that because Crowley was just in the bookshop so often that it meant that Aziraphale hadn't noticed that Crowley didn't have his flat. Crowley had low key moved in as much as that was possible for the two of them. He was used to sleeping in their bed and being in the bookshop which, even as it had been a bit stressful because of the fire, was still the place that made him feel the safest.

Aziraphale wanted him to get some rest and relax for a bit in the shop and was hoping that, since he was charging Crowley with Gabriel's care, it might cause them to talk a bit more, which Aziraphale wisely knew would be good for both of them.

All of that was a good plan but, as we see, though, Crowley's response to Gabriel starts to go up and down during the rest of the week. Why?

One of the reasons is a series of things, most of them not terribly consequential, but which add up to Crowley having one of those weeks we all have from time to time when new information is causing us to feel like we don't know much of anything or can't do anything right.

Crowley is the one who knows popular music but he doesn't know this "Everyday" song so he's not much help with that mystery. He bungles his Vavoom attempts for Maggie & Nina by collapsing the awning with too much rain. He had absolutely no idea that his old pal, master spy/brandy smuggler/brains behind the 1810 Clerkenwell Diamond Robbery/all around legend, Jane Austen, wrote books, let alone classic, romantic ones.

These are also nods to how Crowley's missing memories means he's fuzzy on the origins of things. "Everyday" is one of the foundational songs of rock 'n roll and Jane Austen is the same for modern romantic stories but Crowley knows better what came after-- Queen, Richard Curtis films, etc.. It emphasizes that he feels more sure of his memories since his fall but, because he lived through these eras, not knowing things from them are then also examples to him of times when he wasn't fully aware of his surroundings and missed things.

What unsettles him is that Aziraphale knew that Jane wrote books so it's overall a case of Crowley having missed something important. It's something that, in this case, everyone seems to have known but him, which is the most unsettling kind of thing for someone dealing with PTSD. It's not the end of the world but it didn't help his already bad week.

Another thing the different perspective on Jane Austen did is emphasize how Crowley having to deal with trauma causes him to move through the world differently than other people. The way that other people commonly experience things aren't always his experience, even if he can intellectually understand theirs. This is just a fact of life for people who have been through things like what Crowley has but, when a reminder of it is mixed into a time when the self-doubt is especially high, it can worsen a sense of being 'other' from other people, and worsen PTSD.

In the middle of all of this are also Crowley's interactions with Shax. Shax is a devout diabolical minister and the closer she gets to figuring out that he and Aziraphale are a couple, the more Crowley's stress is compounded as his usual fear of Satan turning up increases.

Shax is also a constant reminder of Satan-- one that has an unnerving habit of just popping up places and being far too close for comfort. She doesn't hide her attraction to him and he doesn't want anything to do with her. He's balancing that disinterest with trying to keep her from figuring out about Aziraphale. He's technically not a demon anymore but Hell is still following him around via Shax and Hell is, fundamentally, Satan. She's the inability to escape reminders of trauma that can come up in different periods and worsen PTSD.

Then, there's the bigger problem: Crowley kinda likes Jimbriel.

He is relating to Gabriel. He has been the whole time. An amnesiac former angel leaning on Aziraphale for safety and comfort while struggling with trauma and memories... yeah, Crowley knows nothing about how that goes. 😂 Gabriel's struggle with his memory was very familiar for Crowley and he empathized enough to, in his own way, try to help-- revealing another example of just how hard Crowley is on himself in the process.

What's causing complications for Crowley is that he both likes and sympathizes with Jim. Crowley knows that the most logical answer here is that it's really that Jim and Gabriel are the same person. Crowley is being confronted with the idea that maybe this scary monster he's built up in his mind really isn't a scary monster and he can barely make sense of that.

Crowley has not previously put a lot of thought into the idea that Gabriel has been as trapped as he and Aziraphale have been and that he might have had to act a role to survive, in a way that Crowley himself often does and did in the past. He's tended to see Gabriel as a threat and nothing else... but the Jimbriel currently driving him insane rearranging the bookshop is anything but a threat.

Then, while Aziraphale is in Edinburgh, it's just Crowley and Gabriel for a time, and Crowley's perception that Gabriel is not a threat just keeps increasing. Gabriel just looks more like walking depression, struggling as Crowley himself has done with his sense of self, and trying his best to be helpful to those around him.

He's kind to Crowley, eager to help with whatever Crowley is up to, and not at all threatening. There's no sense from Crowley that this is all some master plan where Gabriel dons a Christmas jumper and earns their trust, only to slit their throats in their sleep. He's just a lost guy who needs their help.

Jimbriel, it turns out, is fucking nice. He's kind to Crowley and appreciative of his help. Crowley has no idea what to do with this. This messes with Crowley's perception of what he thought reality was so it's confusing for him.

Because Aziraphale has tasked him with managing this situation and given him reassurance that he can, Crowley has dived into not letting Aziraphale down with it. He's gotten a bookseller outfit on, he's keeping the place somewhat organized so that Aziraphale won't lose it too much over Jim's reorg project 😂 (really, probably, just pulling his own books out of Jim's piles because a traumatized demon can only give up so much control at once here lol) and he's being generally pleasant to Jimbriel, whom he'd rather, at this stage, die than admit he kind of likes.

He's cautious about things but he's also relaxing a little more around Jim, which is scary for him because what if he's misjudged this?! But, Aziraphale wants him to try and all objective evidence points to Aziraphale's assessment being correct and Jim not being at threat, so Crowley tries, as he supposes that there are worse things than having an archangel owe you a favor, even if Crowley is still not at all for this situation as a whole because the wolves keep circling.

Not only is Crowley worried about the angels and demons who are trying to find Gabriel getting them erased from The Book of Life that he's convinced himself is real, Crowley now has the new problem of ugh kinda caring about what happens to Jim. Goddamned feelings. 😂 To be sure, he'd still chuck Jim off a bridge if it meant keeping himself and Aziraphale from harm, but Crowley's warming up to him a bit.

Early on, he's more amusing himself than anything, when explaining the plan to make Maggie and Nina Vavoom to Gabriel. In that moment, Gabriel can't remember anything so the concept of The Vavoom is new information to him but it's funny to Crowley that it would be because it's something of a repeat of how he and Aziraphale once fooled Gabriel to save Job and Sitis' kids off of what, essentially, was Gabriel's lack of information about human sex.

There's an argument to be made that Gabriel let himself play the fool in that scene but, even if you think he genuinely did not know then that all human babies are not made and birthed through ribs, he certainly has acquired that information since, among other scenes, that dry, "it's a miracle he hasn't spotted you yet" to Aziraphale in the sushi restaurant scene was overflowing with sexual innuendo.

Crowley chats on, using words from his and Aziraphale's language around Gabriel in the vavoom explanation scene to ease his stress and have something amusing to tell Aziraphale when he comes back. He's still snarky in the other scenes ("well-observed") but he also shows genuine empathy and provides calm, patient answers to Gabriel, especially in the gravity scene.

He sympathizes with Gabriel and helps him try to process what he's going through. He's seeing Gabriel as a person for the first time in doing this and the image Crowley has of him is changing, which, as we've said, is overall positive, but also compounds anxiety in the short-term because he cannot find a path to reconciling it with the past in his mind.

The self-doubt doesn't disappear but he's gathering some more information about the situation to inform his decisions the longer he's around Gabriel... and the longer he is, the more worried about all of it-- the threat of the situation to him and Aziraphale, but also now the danger to Gabriel himself-- Crowley becomes.

Still, he had every opportunity to betray Gabriel during the time that Aziraphale was away and he didn't. He could have chucked him at Shax more than once, if he was of mind to do so, but he didn't because Crowley has a good heart and he knew that Gabriel needed them and that helping him was the right thing to do.

The more Crowley saw about what was happening to Gabriel-- especially the eerie "there will come a tempest" moment when Gabriel isn't even really Gabriel and can't remember what just happened and then is in a state of distress afterwards-- the more he wanted to help him and the more Crowley believed that whatever was happening to Gabriel was genuine... but that didn't stop the larger threat to Aziraphale that concerned Crowley more.

At the same time as he's making sure that Jim is safe in the shop, he's also then turning around and growling at him that Aziraphale is risking his existence to help save him-- something which Gabriel, without his memories, doesn't really have any concept of, which just frustrates Crowley because it's unsatisfying to vent fear at someone who really doesn't have the ability in that moment to understand your fear. It looked and sounded like anger but it was really fear.

By the time Aziraphale returns from Edinburgh, it's first thing on Thursday morning, and Gabriel's been in the bookshop since Monday morning. At this point, after the last few days and what Crowley's seen, it would be pretty absurd to still think that Gabriel himself poses a threat to them, and Crowley knows that's true. He knows that, if Gabriel were there to harm them, he would have done so already. He knows that if Gabriel wanted to kill them, there would have been no better time to start that then when Aziraphale was gone but, lo and behold, Crowley is still alive and breathing.

Gabriel was very scary while Aziraphale was gone, doing things like looking sad and lost, sleeping, rearranging books, and, occasionally, singing to himself. Very frightening lol.

That said? Crowley's self-doubt is such that, while all of the evidence that Gabriel is not a threat is overwhelming at this point, he cannot shake the fear that he's misjudged this, and he's terrified about not getting it right because the stakes are so high.

Crowley wants to trust in Aziraphale's assessment, as he always does when he's not sure of his own, but what if they're wrong? What if he fails to see some flaw in Aziraphale's assessment that he normally would have noticed if he weren't so anxious and that proves to be their fatal undoing? What if Aziraphale's got this backwards? Then, if Crowley doesn't get it right, he'll be failing to protect him. He'll have been a bad partner to him and, atop that, they could wind up dead.

Aziraphale didn't just meet Crowley yesterday, though, and he knows how Crowley's mind works. When they start to talk about this at Marguerite's, Crowley fails to tell Aziraphale the big threat that's on his mind-- The Book of Life. I remain pretty convinced that if Crowley had chosen to bring this up, instead of trying to manage all of this on his own, that Aziraphale could have reassured Crowley that Crowley's initial memories were correct and it wasn't a thing. If that had happened, The Final 15 never would have happened the way it did because Crowley wouldn't have been so distracted from The Book of Life that he failed to see what the threat really was.

But, in that moment, while he didn't tell Aziraphale about his concerns over The Book of Life, he did talk with him about how he was feeling about the Gabriel situation.

In the scene, Crowley admits to being awake the prior night worrying about the Gabriel situation. (And also likely because he missed Aziraphale.) He's self-deprecating as he expresses concern about what might happen if Gabriel "wakes up" and about the possibility of Gabriel "faking it"-- which they both know isn't really a thing at this point. Crowley turns the concerns into a flirtation with Aziraphale, needing a moment of play, and jokes that Gabriel could smite him, before flirting over the past tense of the verb to smite... the most Crowley and Aziraphale flirtation possible. 😊

Crowley knows how absurd the ideas he's saying sound aloud but he's saying them aloud anyway-- giving voice to some of his most anxious thoughts, which is a good thing-- because he needs reassurance from Aziraphale. It speaks to how much he trusts him and how healthy they are in being pretty open about talking about how they feel.

Crowley needs Aziraphale to tell him that it's okay and that they're safe and to just flirt with him a little and get him out of his head and Aziraphale does that. It's the same thing as this:

Crowley trusts Aziraphale and he sometimes just needs Aziraphale to tell him when he's going around the bend with something. Part of that is running his most anxious thoughts about the flagpole to Aziraphale and seeing if Aziraphale thinks that they sound like legitimate problems or more like the product of Crowley's anxiety talking. Crowley usually already knows the answer to this-- and he definitely did in the smitten scene-- but it's comforting to have Aziraphale tell him in that fond way of his that it's all alright and that he doesn't need to worry so much.

Aziraphale is very gentle in his response when he gives Crowley that reassurance. He teases him a little-- saying that the appropriate past tense for what Crowley would be should Gabriel smite him would be 'smitten', which is the one that corresponds to being infatuated, teasing Crowley a bit because you know he'll never miss an opportunity not to after Crowley said Gabriel was beautiful on their date in 1827 😂 -- but the sweet part is actually the wordplay in the soft "you're being silly."

The tone alone is sensitive enough but the choice of the word silly is an interesting one, especially since they're wordplay-flirting in that moment. It contains sill, a word that means threshold, usually of a door or a window. There's a level of humor to this because it's saying that Crowley is being silly about Gabriel-- about who they've let in past the threshold of the bookshop door-- and that all holds true. There's also, though, that the context of what Crowley's saying in this scene-- about the reassurance for his anxiety that he's looking for-- especially when coupled with remembering Aziraphale's "you can call me an old silly but I think The Devil is coming" from back in S1 suggest that silly is an already-existing PTSD-related word to them.

Aziraphale saying that Crowley is being silly is meaning that Aziraphale's is trying to gently say that he thinks that the anxious thoughts are related to Crowley's trauma, and the threat is more of a perceived one than a real one. They're things related to Crowley's own threshold that has been forcibly crossed in the past, leaving him wracked with self-doubt and anxiety.

Aziraphale's gentle "you're being silly" is a way of reassuring Crowley that, yes, the threatening things he's suggesting that might happen with Gabriel are really out there and very unlikely to occur and that this is the PTSD talking.

Aziraphale then asks has Crowley considered just talking to Gabriel? You know, like how he is talking to Aziraphale in that moment? Just openly telling him what's bothering him and going from there? That might be a healthy option? 😲😂

This is a great idea but the for the fact that Crowley is a little drunk and then decides to basically drink the rest of the bottle of wine before having the conversation in question but we're at least sort of headed in the right direction!

Crowley decides to confront Jim-- who remembers precious little about prior events so, you know, really satisfying confrontation for Crowley here lol-- about that whole "shut your stupid mouth and die" business back in S1.

This is the big problem for Crowley-- the one thing he's having trouble getting around. Jim, the last few days? A pleasure. A fellow snarky, fucked up, gent that Crowley wouldn't have an issue becoming eternal friends with. His impression of His Royal Smugness from back in S1, though? A little lacking.

Note the emphasis in the "And I do remember..." as he confronts Gabriel in the moment above. It shows how the conversation with Beez is still bothering Crowley and how that is worsening the self-doubt.

What Crowley is sure he does remember correctly, though, is the "shut your stupid mouth and die" scene from S1 and we know he's correct in doing so because we were there with him. We can contextualize it better than Crowley can because we've seen more of Gabriel during the story and, also, we aren't so directly traumatized by this that we can't consider other reasons for his behavior, like that he was also trapped and being watched by other angels.

This is where, even though the biggest sticking point for Crowley here is this moment of Gabriel's behavior from S1, Crowley's response to Gabriel is still really not fundamentally about Gabriel himself so much. How so?

It's because Gabriel doesn't mean to be, of course, but he is, unintentionally, the biggest, possible trigger there is for a lot of Crowley's PTSD. Why him, more than anyone else?

Well, not for nothing, but the last time Crowley trusted an attractive Supreme Archangel? It didn't exactly go well... Gabriel has been the Supreme Archangel since the only other, prior one fell and that other one was Crowley's abuser.

Gabriel has moved into the bookshop showing similar symptoms that Crowley himself did after his fall, unintentionally bringing all that up for Crowley, and, atop that, Gabriel had held the same position of power that Lucifer did. By pointing out across several scenes in S2 that Crowley is attracted to Gabriel (even if that's going nowhere as Crowley's a one angel kinda fella), it's also emphasizing the semi-conscious parallels in Crowley's mind between the powerful ex he once trusted who then harmed him and the handsome Supreme Archangel Crowley isn't sure he can trust but that, bizarrely, seems actually trustworthy.

The last time Crowley listened to his friends and supported an attractive person who seemed like they were going to treat him well and that everyone said could be trusted, Crowley wound up damned for eternity as a result. He wound up a rape survivor.

When Crowley and his wine go to talk to Gabriel, what they're really saying under the surface of all of that anger is that he is terrified that the Gabriel he saw in 1.06 is not a construct, like what Aziraphale thinks, but the real person-- that Gabriel is cruel and that the Jim thing is the charade, not the whole Archangel Fucking Gabriel thing.

What Crowley is really saying is that he doesn't know how to get it but he needs proof that Jimbriel won't hurt them.

Aziraphale wasn't the one there in 1.06; Crowley was. Crowley can, and has, heard Aziraphale's opinion on it, but he thinks he knows what he saw, and it's what he thinks he saw that is keeping him from fully agreeing that Aziraphale is correct and Jim can be trusted.

Crowley is too traumatized to really pull back, think about it a bit more, and understand what he saw, though. He's having trouble recognizing Gabriel with his trauma blinders on but it's really, really hard to take them off when, even though Gabriel had no intention of doing so, this situation is triggering everything for Crowley.

What Crowley hasn't given a lot of thought to is that Gabriel had two other angels standing there, including Sandalphon, whom we already saw earlier in S1 that he didn't trust at all. That he was in trouble with The Metatron over the failure to start Armageddon and that he didn't yet know that The Metatron wouldn't send him to Hell.

Gabriel was a dick, yes, but he was fucking terrified of falling and, even worse, at failing the angels he had been trying to protect, who would be left with no one really fighting for him without them.

Crowley's never really considered what Gabriel meant by don't talk to me about the greater good, sunshine.

Gabriel was also angry at being put in the position of it being Aziraphale-- the only angel he somewhat regularly saw whom he really felt was good and trustworthy and the closest thing to a friend, besides Beez, that he had-- versus the thousands of angels that he felt it was his duty as the Supreme Archangel to try to protect and keep safe.

How many times has Crowley put on a show around the demons to seem like he's one of them to try to stay alive? More times than he can count, right? But what Crowley hasn't been doing with Gabriel is consider that he was in the same kind of boat up in Heaven-- that "shut your stupid mouth and die already" is Gabriel acting like the angel that Sandalphon and The Metatron would think was on their side but that angel is not the person that Gabriel really is-- Jim is.

Crowley's basically projecting a version of his own fall over what's happening with Aziraphale and Gabriel here and has been for most of the season. He's worried that if he gives in and trusts Gabriel that Gabriel will turn out to be like Lucifer and Aziraphale will be hurt. It's basically trauma that is keeping Crowley from seeing that these two situations really are not the same at all.

Part of Crowley brings up the body swap plot to Gabriel in the hopes that he'll see Gabriel "crack", which will expose the whole Jim thing as a fraud, and then Crowley will have a reason to just say that Gabriel is like Lucifer and get Aziraphale away from him. It's the simple solution that Crowley knows isn't coming because he already knows, deep down, that Gabriel isn't Lucifer, but he feels he basically has to try and test him.

When he does, Gabriel is just continually nice. He expresses gratitude at how kind Aziraphale has been to him. He is-- to Crowley, wonderfully and infuriatingly at once-- patient and understanding about the fact that Crowley is drunk and expressing a lot of anger and hostility towards him. When Crowley says that he's endangering Aziraphale, Gabriel is upset and asks how he can help them.

He's fucking great lol and Crowley, drunk and angry, in one of the darkest moments of the show, tells him to jump out the window. [This is why you don't have intense conversations about trauma with wine involved.]

It's more of a flippant comment because Crowley doesn't actually think that Gabriel will attempt to do it but then he finds himself watching in horror as Gabriel proves that he is so lost and despairing that he would kill himself in an effort to be what the only friends he has needs.

Gabriel, it turns out, would jump out a window to his death without a second thought to keep Aziraphale from harm.

Crowley is shocked out of both his wine haze and his PTSD-related stuff and quickly keeps Gabriel from killing himself.

For the first time, Crowley really sees Gabriel there because this person who just-- really unnecessarily-- tried to sacrifice himself for his friends is, Crowley suddenly realizes, the complete fucking opposite of Satan.

Gabriel is someone who is actually way, way too self-sacrificing but he got there because of how deeply he cares about others and how isolated and lonely he feels. This is someone who has been taught that he exists as a symbol and feels like he's failed to live up to the impossible standards of it. He's struggling and he's depressed. He's not actually a symbol of Heaven; he's a victim and a survivor of it, the way Crowley and Aziraphale themselves are.

He really is Jim, just as Crowley has been seeing him the last few days. Gabriel is Jim. There is no secret evil about to come to the surface here and Crowley knows that for sure now-- he's just horrified that it went that far for him to see that realization.

Crowley's "Well, if you're not really him, what are you?" is such an interesting line. In addition to the idea that if he's not really like what Crowley thought Gabriel was like, there's also an element in there of:

If you're not really like him [Lucifer], then who are you?

It also mirrors Uriel's "What is he?" from the same scene in 1.06 that Crowley had been bringing up to Gabriel here. It's not just *who* someone is but *what* they are. In that way, it's comparing Uriel having her mind blown by what she thought was an angel who was immune to hellfire with Crowley having his mind blown by an angel who he thought was a villain turning out to be just a snarky lovebug.

For Crowley, the rest of this scene is the bigger realization-- the thing that Aziraphale has seen all along, and why he correctly thought that Gabriel and Crowley could become good friends if Crowley could get beyond his trauma to give that a try. The thing Crowley has been trying to avoid seeing, even as Gabriel's struggles over the last week so reminded Crowley of some of his own.

It's that Gabriel isn't just like Lucifer. He's just like Crowley.

As they talk about memory, the more honest and nice to him Gabriel is, the more Crowley feels guilty and terrible for how awful he was when he first came into the room. He came in angry that Gabriel had said terrible things to Aziraphale and then turned around and did basically the same thing to Gabriel. He almost leaves without trying to rectify it but, well...

...he and Aziraphale are quasi-immortal beings with no other friends who aren't human. Jimbriel is still willing to talk to Crowley, even after Crowley went, in his mind, full on embarrassing PTSD anxiety mess on him. He deserves a 'sorry for drunkenly telling you to kill yourself and would you like to be friends forever?' hot chocolate.

Worse to Crowley, even though Jimbriel doesn't remember enough to really understand during this scene why Crowley is Like This, he doesn't let that stop him from being kind and empathetic about it. He responds to Crowley's hot chocolate gesture by reassuring him that he is nice but it's here that Crowley truly adopted Jim forever:

Jimbriel doesn't remember the specifics in this moment but he can recognize in Crowley someone whose sharp edges are an act to cover for how badly they've been hurt. Crowley brings the mug in, holding it from the bottom so that Gabriel can take it from the sides-- and Gabriel does, but from lower than could have. As he takes the hot chocolate and thanks him, Gabriel brushes Crowley's wrist, very gently.

Just as Crowley's hot chocolate gesture is some softness to try to mitigate how harsh he was before and start anew, Jimbriel shows that he has intuited the problem without remembering all the details by touching Crowley lightly, taking intentional care in trying to show Crowley that he doesn't have to doubt that he's safe with him.

They're both saying the same thing:

I won't hurt you.

All that understandable anxiety? All that self-doubt in Crowley, where Gabriel was concerned?

It turns out it was all very silly.

[bugcatcherkit]

having mrs suzuki thoughts again. specifically i always thought of her leaving as smth that she’d intended to be temporary. bc it was in direct response to toichirou saying that he Does have the power to control people, because he’s strong enough that he can just Make them do what he wants. and it was both an assertion of a boundary (“i will not tolerate this behavior. if you continue to act like this, i will remove myself from the situation”) and a direct response to toichirou’s stated belief (“oh yeah? control this, asshole”). and i think that her intention was to make him think about himself and what he was trying to accomplish and the consequences his actions have on himself and everyone around him, and that she’d originally intended to come back when he came to his senses. and COMPLETELY underestimated his total refusal to ever question or consider anything ever.

(btw i think shou’s murder attempt was if not the same, then at least a very similar principle. bc if it had really been about killing toichirou, he probably would’ve just ���played the obedient son” and poisoned him or smth. but it wasn’t! it was about confronting him and trying to force him to understand and deal with the consequences of his actions, especially wrt the people who cared about him most! the message being communicated was “look! you’re going so dangerously overboard that even your son, who cares about you, who is still trying to reason with you, is willing to kill you if that’s what it takes to get you to stop!”) (and it just completely flies over toichirou’s head)

sorry for rambling but u know how it is with the suzukis

HI I FINALLY GOT TIME TO ANSWER THIS. I think you summed it up well though !!!

I definitely believe it was supposed to be temporary! It really plays out like a spur-of-the-moment thing, where she suddenly realizes Toichiro is not really who she Believed he was (<- she had a certain image of him in her head I think) and also that would not listen to her WORDS at all. So she had to do something impactful.

Their relationship was very important to them both, and I believe she expected her Absence to lead Toichiro to self-reflect and FINALLY push himself to change so they could KEEP it. But he sucks. And he was already so wound up in the power fantasy that he ignored anything he could not rationalize with it. You can't exactly make semi-divorce seem like a Super Epic Protagonist Battle.

She was making a point to him!!! Showing him that his idea of psychic power being absolute was WRONG because people have power over themselves (free will). Her leaving is like the physical culmination of everything she had been suggesting to him up until then (that he could change, if he CHOSE to).

She has a whole thing about free will. He was supposed to realize he does not, actually, have power over everyone. He ONLY has power over himself, just like everyone else. To think otherwise hurts himself and everyone around him because only focusing on power meant he didn't care about anything else. But yeah she totally overestimated his ability to Self Reflect and also Be Considerate. Aforementioned image she projected onto him, I think (not normal).

and that is where Shou gets it I BELIEVE!!!!!!! The thing with him is that. Like when you said his parents were his only examples and he kind of had to work with what he knew through them.

His philosophy (of kindness and free will and righteousness etc etc etc) was heavily based on what Mrs. Suzuki is shown to believe in, and this is what he based his opposition to Toichiro's ideals on.

Though, he also had to oppose his mom's Methods in favour of Toichiro's in this process. So he was kind of opposing them both while also Not at all doing that. Because he learned from them and was influenced by them. As per the themes. BUT ALSO with that its like. Nothing Shou did was ever really for himself or because of himself and it makes me. ggrhrgrge.

I forgot what else I was gonna say. Suzuki family drives me insane <3