#this will be a growing list as I overanalyse all of their songs

[tonyjalapeno]

starting a collection of transmasc coded los campesinos! lyrics

[k-l-s-h]

It was with a big huff, that Arria finally managed to unlocked the door of the apartment she shared with her uncle. Kicking it open, she hurried herself in before she could drop the too many bags in her hands. And once she succeeded in the task of deposing her sport and school bags in the living room, and her groceries in the kitchen, she allowed herself to let out a big sigh. Crawling back to the doorway just after to lock it again.

She was exhausted. Her days were so tiring and she wasn't in high-school yet. She couldn't even dare to imagine how it was going to be like when she'd be a university student either. But with the famous Choi Hyejin as her new coach, she should have known better than hope that she'd let her rest and breathe a little. Even if the junior championships were over, her trainings were even worse if possible than before them, and she just felt like crawling into a hole, and hide in it during a week. To just rest. Nonstop.

The little brunette shook her head. Forcing herself to get out of her sudden apathy by giving little slaps on her cheeks. Her day wasn't over yet and it was the price she had to pay if she wanted her dreams to become a reality.

Pushing herself off of the door, she went back in the kitchen and looked at the clock that was hanging on the wall. 6:42 PM. Her homework would have to wait for today as well. Putting away all the food, spices and condiments she had bought while keeping aside the ingredients she'd need for tonight's meal, she tried to guess at what hour her uncle would be back. He had made a note for her probably last night, when he was finally home and that she had found in the morning on the kitchen tables. Saying that he'd be out by the time she'd come for lunch, but that he'd be back for diner at 7:00 PM. Which meant that he'd be here around one and a half hour later, giving her just enough time to prepare something to eat for the both of them.

Not wasting anymore of it, she took the equivalent of what would fill the whole rice cooker, knowing way too well how much her uncle could eat, hoping that she'd still have some for tomorrow's lunch, and she started to rinse it.  Repeating the action a few times before she finally put it in the rice cooker with the cups of water needed, letting the little machine that had saved and made her life easier every day, do its magic.

"Now what can I do..." She mused out loud while she eyed the food still laying in front of her.

Even if Arria was only fourteen years old, the young teenager knew how to make a fairly great number of dishes that, even fully-grown adults, like her uncle, didn't. Her grandmother took pride in passing down to her, her culinary knowledge. Teaching and showing to the little girl how to do many traditional meals that weren't only Chinese, but from other Asian countries as well. Her younger self actually enjoyed the exercise a lot. And until this day, the brunette still did. There was something satisfying, in succeeding to make every flavours marry well the others and see the eyes of the ones tasting her dishes, lit up with pleasure. She felt like a little witch at the time who had the power to, either please with sweet things her brother and grandfather, or make them spit fire with wicked meals and her grandma's help when they were mean.

Arria chuckled a little at the memory, that actually helped her to settle her mind on what would be the night's menu: some green papaya salad with some sweet and sour chicken, since Wen wouldn't be happy without some meat. The girl was craving for actual fresh vegetables and spicy food since a week or two. But her uncle was so busy with his tattoo parlour and other ‘grown-up things’ like he'd said -that she knew were diverse night-trips to pubs- that he forgot, many times, to buy groceries for the both of them. Actually forgetting that he was not living alone anymore. He of course never did it on purpose. Arria knew that. And that was why she came to the resolution to add on her list to take care of it as well, with the other chores.

She still remembered the way he'd blush and apologize to her, the first time she had come to him and asked for some money to go out and buy them what they needed. Assuring him that it wasn't a big deal. But it was true that sometimes, she actually felt like she was either living alone, or was the one who actually took care of him since she did everything in the apartment. The laundry, dishes, ironing, cooking and cleaning. Everything. And it was tiring truly. But she didn't feel like she had much of a choice since he wouldn't do them. Or at least not after a long, long time. So, she took it upon herself to act up and take care of these things. Especially since he could have refused to take her with him. And she was indebted to her uncle for that. Even if he wasn't very present and not being much of help to the young girl, he still did not want her to end up in a boarding school, alone, in a foreign country. And she would forever be grateful to Wen for his thoughtful gesture.

Plus, it was doing the groceries, or never-ending takeout nights. And as much as it was some time and considerable energy kept for the young skater, she was sick, of those greasy meals that the tattooist seemed to enjoy way too much on his couch, in front of some show, his cigarettes near him and his ashtray fuming beside whatever food he'd bought for them. Reducing his niece appetite to smoke as well though, he'd seem these days to call the nearest pizzeria a lot less.

And Arria was actually pretty sure that, the disgusted looks she'd shot him and couldn't contain every time he ate that way, were the reasons why and had traumatized the poor man who couldn't bare it anymore. Her eyes were so full of judgment and silent reproaches, that Wen wasn't quite sure that she truly was a young teenager. He couldn't even dare to wonder how that look was going to develop through time.

Turning on the radio, the heavy silence making her feel uneasy, Arria then went to work. Thoughtlessly swaying to the songs passing on it, since she could never help herself when music was on, all the while she cut the vegetables and meat. And soon enough, she was humming, even dancing a little, like she always did. In a habit that never left her so far and probably never would. And after that, it didn't take her long to finish the dishes she has chosen for them. A satisfied sigh escaped her lips while she stretched her back. Content with herself and the sweet smell dancing in the air. She just hoped that he'd be true to his words and would be home this time and at a descent hour. Arria sincerely wanted to share a meal with him. With someone. She didn't want to be alone for once. Not this time.

It was a little after 10PM, when the little brunette finally heard the sound of keys unlocking the door. Making her head snap up from the homework she was working on and her heart beat faster.

"Sorry kiddo! I'm late but home!" Shouted the strong voice of Wen who was from where she was, visibly struggling and hurrying himself in with all the ruckus he made.

Scrambling to her feet herself, Arria almost tripped in her own hurry. Quickly joining the older man in the hallway. Opening her mouth, she was about to tell him how she thought that he had broken his promises again and how she still waited for him. Their dinner still in the pots because she really wanted to eat with him tonight. But she quickly shut it. Frowning a little at how clingy she would sound and instead, greeting him shortly before she headed into the kitchen. Mumbling that she was going to heat everything up again, and that he should make himself comfortable in the meantime. And even if Wen noticed her unusual behaviour, he put in on the fact that she was a growing teen and that teenagers were complicated to understand anyway. Doing then as she said and marvelling over the fact that even the table was neatly set. Forcing his niece to bit her tongue. Ready to retort that it was set and done since more than two hours now, and that he should have been the one doing it for once. But of course, she kept her thoughts for herself. And some minutes later, she was bringing plates and bowls of fuming food ready to be served while of course, once again, Wen was spread on the couch and looking at whatever show was on the tv. Getting a sigh out of Arria.

"Food is ready!"

"Oh! Perfect I'm starving and it smells so good!" He shouted happily in response. Chuckling then awkwardly when he noticed the way the young girl was looking at him, as if she was trying to stab him with her eyes, once he was sitting at the table. "And you must be too as well I... Am so sorry Jie I'll do better next time I pinkie swear..."

And she sighed again. Falling down on her own chair with a small and reassuring smile. She knew he'd break that vow. But not on purpose. So it was okay in a way. "It's not a big deal uncle. Anyway enjoy."

Content with his niece's response and smile, Wen didn't try to overanalyse her. Grinning joyfully instead and wishing her a 'Bon Appetit'. She didn't have to wait too long to start eating, since he almost shoved his chopsticks in the different dishes to his mouth right away. Making her blink several times as she was serving herself. If her grandmother was there...

"Aaah it's delicious Jie!" Her uncle moaned. "I haven't eaten something this good since mama's Xiuying dishes!" Speaking of the devil, he forced her to suppress a snort. "She truly taught you good! Gosh your husband will be one lucky bastard!"

The tiny but sincere smile that was at first stretching her lips disappeared just as fast as it came. His last sentence making her freeze for a few seconds before she continued to eat as if nothing happened. Her nose deep in her bowl. Of course, he too would say something like that. They all said things like that to her. How she must know how to cook, how to sew, how to take care of the house and everything because that's what her future husband would except from her. Complimenting her then on how she'd be a great wife when she'd get older. And she knew that a lot of girls wanted to have children later with a loving and handsome husband. But she never really wanted to, her. Even if it was the biggest wish of her grandmother, she was sceptical about it. Because all she wanted to do in life, was skating, dancing, be with her brother and still be friend and hangout with Cyrus. That was what she wanted.

"Speaking of that, how's your lil Iranian friend kiddo?"

Arria shot him a suspicious glare. Not liking how he linked him to her future lucky bastard of a husband. "He's fine... His teachers are being a pain too since the brevet is coming soon as well as our first orientation choices."

"Aaah! That's not what I meant Jie!" Wen whined, making her squint her eyes. "Did he ask you out already or not? He'll have concurrence soon he'd better hurry!"

She chocked on her sweet pepper slice at his words. She was not, ready for that.

 "What?!" She managed to shout in spite of the situation, trying to make the vegetable go down her throat with some water. Eyes wide. "What do you mean?!"

And it was his turn to look stunned. Blinking several times before he mused out loud. "Ooooh... You two are still in denial... I see..."

At this point of the conversation, Arria had just learned how to master a dumbfounded, horrified and unimpressed expression at the same time. "Geez he's just a friend uncle Wen what?!"

"What?!" He laughed "Well you're both so cute together!" Arria scoffed at that even though it didn't stop him. "You're literally joined by the hip plus, I dunno! I never saw you date anyone so far, it's weird! you're of age kiddo!"

She snorted. "And look who's talking..."

Silence was what responded to her spicy gibe while she was shewing angrily her mouthful of just as spicy salad. And it took her some more seconds to realize what she had dared to say out loud. The teenager's eyes grew wide and she clasped a hand over her mouth a minute or two too late.

Shit.

She had said what she had thought this time. And not only in her head.

Shit!

"Oh fuck- I-I mean! Oh my god I'm sorry I didn't mean to-"

And to her biggest surprise, she was cut by his thunderous laugh. Making her blink. Another thing she was not excepting from him that night.

"Fuck!" He laughed, clapping his hands together. "Oh fuck Jie you really should speak up your mind a lil more like that damn kiddo!"

Wen then leaned on the table, mischief in his eyes and a hand covering the side of his mouth, as if he was going to tell her a secret. "You know, you should never hold back when you have good gibes on the tip of your tongue. Especially if they're targeting an old single stupid man like me."

She blinked again. Almost not daring to believe what he was telling her, and how her grandmother would hit him with an improvised weapon if she was there. "… You know that you're basically telling me to disrespect adults, right?"

A silence responded to her, shortly followed by a mumbled cuss that made the corner of her mouth twitch. "Shit. That's so probably not how the oldies raised you right? Parenting is really not my thing huh?"

"Well I won't deny that."

She fell with all her weight on her bed. Head first landing on her fluffy pillow. Arria was even more exhausted now. Wen continued to tease her about Cyrus during the rest of their dinner despite her growls ad sighs and 'No!'. And of course, when they were full, she still had to wash up the dishes and pots. The old man returning to his television, making it a tough mission for his niece to not just throw her sponge on the back of his head. But that was how her life routine was. So she just fantasized about it and how nice it would have been to just give on her impulses. Arria was already dozing off, ready to just succumb to the call of sleep, when the tattooist didn't even bother to knock on her door and almost smashed it against the wall, phone in hand. And, fully awake now, she was ready to just insult and curse him before he cut her, a smug grin on his stupid old man's face.

"Jie!" He hummed. "It's your future boyfriend!"

She could, murder him, at this point. She really could. Especially since he hadn't say it in Chinese. On fucking purpose. Arria literally snatched the phone out of his hands and pushed him harshly out of her room. Making him burst out laughing under her whispered bad words as she slammed the door behind him.

"...Your what now?"

"Oh shut the fuck up okay!" She finally snapped, her patience equal to zero, especially with that smug tone of his. "The old idiot is being an idiot that's all and urrgh!"

She almost crawled back to her bed. Completely ignoring the fact that she was actually happy to hear his voice after that long day, even if he indirectly made it more tiring.

She fell this time on her back with a soft sigh, frowning a little after some seconds. "Why are you calling so late in the night anyway?"

Cyrus scoffed. "Wow miss moody! That's how you treat your only friend really? Who calls you in the dead of the night to light up your mood? I deserve better than that."

"Fuck you."

"Hey take it slow okay, I'm not even your boyfriend yet."

She hissed at his words. Happy that he wasn't there to see her furiously blush though, he knew she was by the way he started to snicker at her. Another one she added to her to kill list. They soon started to bicker like they usually do. Throwing gibes at each other but laughing too. Even if she'd never admit it out loud and certainly not in front of him, he truly could light up her mood in a snap of his fingers. Or make her hiss and growl like a damn animal.

"Hey." He cut her suddenly. Surprising the mixed-race girl with how deep his voice was getting with time.

"Yeah?"

"Happy birthday..."

Arria blinked. What?

Straightening herself up, her elbows sinking into the soft mattress of her bed, she shot a glare at her alarm clock. It was past midnight. Her computer lit up almost immediately with a mail notification and she didn't had to go to it, to figure out who could have send it, since she was already on the phone with the only other person who knew, and remembered. The corners of her mouth twitched. And soon enough, a bright and soft smile was dancing on her lips while she finally realized why, he had called her this late at night. It felt like fireworks were popping in her chest and stomach.

And she whispered. "Thank you..."

[sunnysideupproject]

Under Pressure

A state I’m perpetually under. Also happens to be an iconic song by one of the greatest rock bands ever, Queen*.

This is a post about my good old friend, stress.

Everyone experiences it differently. Sure, we share our instigators e.g. peer pressure, family problems, deadlines....job applications...but ultimately, our coping mechanisms vary. 

My stress has always been infectious, like a disease. Often it begins with something substantial and somehow burrows it’s way deep into my psyche: attacking my self-esteem, self-worth and confidence. It even used to manifest itself on a physiological level - panic attacks in public areas and difficulties in breathing. Over the years though, I realised that I’m coping better. And it has to do with so much more than just ‘effective time management’. I’d like to share with you a little bit about my personal growth, and how I cope with stress :-)

I find refuge in the things I love

This sounds a bit silly but hear me out. Movies, books, music, places - these are my outlets and indulging in any of these is cathartic, really.

I spend a lot of time dawdling in bookstores: I always linger in the Waterstones bookstore right outside my university during free periods. I love browsing through the shelves, running my hands through the spines of new books and reading the summary of each one, adding worthy ones to my expanding TO-READ list in my Goodreads account. Fun fact: I worked in a bookstore briefly after my A-Level exams. Those were some good times.

I listen to the same songs on loop: After a stressful day, I plug my earphones in and blast my phone to SZA; She’s singing about hoppin’ through poppy fields and dodgin’ evil witches and suddenly my day is so much better. My mini study breaks usually involve me singing in front of the mirror to my playlist and shamelessly rocking out. 

I binge-watch/binge-read: Nothing tops the feeling of being so absorbed by the book you’re reading or the movie/series you’re watching until you spiral into the small universes built around them. My brain overanalyses things to the point of absurdity. That’s why certain songs, movies and books hold so much significance; like how Hogwarts has made an indefinite impact on how I perceive people, and my first impressions of them - I sort them into houses! 

I share my interests with the people around me: I am an avid fangirl. I overreact. I hype. And for the longest time, I feared that being overly excited about things has repelled people away from me. But this is not true. As I opened myself up, I’ve connected with so many people who have the same interests as I do and my life has been so much richer. 

I’ve learnt to stop taking myself so seriously and start having a bit of fun - this has become the biggest stress-relief ever. 

Put yourself out there; show your dedication to the things you love - whether it’s K-Pop, Renaissance Art, Anime, Basketball, Harry Styles, the LOTR series, experimenting with photography. Be a fan! Don’t let anyone put you down for being extra. You deserve to enjoy things wholeheartedly.

I take care of myself 

“I’m dying a slow and painful death” - was the only thought running in my head during my first facial back in 2011, as tears streamed silently down my face. Back in KL, my mom drags me to a facial every now and then. In the UK however, this is a luxury I can’t afford. 

So I do facial masks twice a week: a clay mask (as seen above) to yank out all the gunk from my pores, followed by a nourishing one to hydrate my skin. I also do a basic skincare routine every morning and evening and I try to be diligent about it. The emphasis here is on try. (Serena and I were thinking about interviewing each other on our respective skincare routines! WIP). There’s something extremely therapeutic about tending to your skin and the aftermath of it is just so liberating. Towards the exam season, you’ll probably catch me walking around either looking like Casper the friendly ghost (sheet masks galore!) or a creature with white polka dots on its face (pimple cream).

Self-care for me also means exercising. Yoga has been such a gentle stress relief for me and it is truly something I’d love to master one day. Still bummed that I can’t do a headstand. Also sweating it out at the gym for a bit gets the oxygen flowing to my brain, which really does help kick the focus back in. 

I also like cooking to destress (shocking? I know!) - there’s something about the monotony of chopping vegetables and following a set of instructions that keep me at peace. Not too keen on the occasional burnt piece of chicken though.

I know this is easier said than done but take some time out of the day to reenergise. Studying periods can get so intense. I know what it’s like to be cooped up in your chair for too long. Stand up and stretch a little! Grab a bevy/fruit from the fridge. Rest your eyes. Most importantly, take care and don’t over-exert. The body has its limits and it most certainly needs to be recharged.

I rely A LOT on my support system

In of the lowest points of my life, I became extremely defensive and lashed out at all the people who cared about me. This defensiveness, this trait that turns me into a monster is very much embedded in my DNA today. I’m still working on it. And man did I try to rationalise back then; I had an array of unresolved childhood issues to blame and I constantly nitpicked the individual faults of each ‘aggressor’ - the friends and family who tried to help me.

I convinced myself that the angst I felt was the sole product of circumstance. And of course I was innocent. The mental gymnastics that I tried so hard to perfect only sabotaged me further. I was a deeply unhappy, confused and angry person for the longest time. 

Nothing could ever justify my toxicity. It took so much hurting and destruction to realise this. The people in my life who love me unconditionally, have seen me through those times. And they’re still here. I’ve opened myself up to letting people in; people who make me feel safe. I’ve let my support system grow. And I’m embracing the positivity from all our interactions. 

Somedays I send long, messy texts detailing everything that’s wrong with my day. My friends would draw parallels between our lives and I don’t feel so alone. Somedays it is I who read their long, messy texts and draw my parallels. Often it’s jokes, memes or banter about our favourite shows. Somedays we catch up over some good food or an average movie. Here in the UK, it’s walking in parks, ogling at all the dogs as we stroll. My dad sending me a never-ending stream of family pictures. Overstretched FaceTime sessions with my grandparents; them jostling over who’s the better cook as I roll over with laughter. Anna’s (our family dog) clueless face peering at me over the screen during our sessions.

Somedays I just want to hear my mother’s voice.

If you’re going through a shitty time in your life, please don’t bottle things up. Suppressing your feelings is a dangerous thing. I know that you seem weary of the people around you. Suspicious even. Why do they care? What do they know? You probably feel like you need all the space in the world. They’re probably breathing down your necks right now. 

Opening up is so scary - but do it slowly. Find someone you trust and who will listen. They don’t always have to be family. Often they are friends. Keep them close. You don’t need to surround yourself with an arsenal of friends. Two or three good ones are enough.

Talk. 

Your support system doesn’t always have to serve a purpose; they can’t possibly solve all your problems. They’re here to give you all the love you need. And trust me, you’ll need a lot of it. Gradually, you’ll learn to reciprocate. Promise.

And if you can’t seem to find the support you need, I’m here for you. We may not know each other well, but I have my arms wide open. I’ll listen.

*Under Pressure by Queen* - One of my favs!

[suspiciouslycurly]

hope is for the lucky ones. //

A/N: This is going to get quite lengthy – the A/N, I mean – but please read until the end if you can... And thank you if you do, it means a lot ♥ The story was loosely inspired by my trip to London to see The Ferryman last month – don’t really want to get into details again because it doesn’t matter anymore, but the trip left me with rather bittersweet memories and also lots of self-doubt that was really hard to get rid of later on. I made this story by a great amount of thinking and jotting down bits and pieces of information everywhere I could but somehow I just couldn’t bring myself to write it. Now, a month later, I needed it again and it sort of became my coping mechanism as I’ve been dealing with lots of, well, stuff lately – and writing certainly let me take my mind off that. I’m actually really happy I made it happen because I generally give up on my plans way too easily – and completing something gave me a push to give myself a chance to try again. I admit I projected onto this story way too much and put lots of personal experiences in it but let’s leave it at that, it doesn’t really matter which parts are pure fiction and which relate to me personally in some way. Tl;dr I put a lot of effort and personal feelings into this story so don’t be afraid to send me both positive and negative feedback :) I haven’t got so invested in writing in ages (if ever) and I hope it shows just a little. I listened to lots of very random music while working on this but if I can recommend anything, you could try listening to Kygo’s This Town while reading, I feel the atmosphere of this song sort of compliments the story. Also, I most probably won’t write anything else, like I’ve said somewhere before. Anyway, thanks for putting up with me and, well, enjoy! x

What: sometimes luck strikes when you least expect it... what happens when a lucky person like Tom meets the exact opposite, a ‘bad case of bad luck’, as she likes to call herself?

Word count: 3137

Warnings: none, unless you’re afraid of getting cavities?

Hope is such a vicious word – it makes you look forward to things then tears your heart out when they do not happen the way you wished them to. And she was an expert on having her dreams crushed by the unknown forces of the universe.

“O-of course, I understand, the end of the month it is then,” she said and ended a call, letting out a heavy sigh and feeling a wave of panic rushing through her already tired body.

It was happening. Again. The universe just loved to keep dropping bombs at her without any warning, as if she existed for the sole purpose of being ridiculed by it.

She had just recently quit her job and it was a well-thought decision, having grown in her head with all the pros and cons attached for several months; the job had been draining all of her life energy like a badly developed app would a smartphone’s battery – and she had had enough. There was no turning back; she ended up being unemployed of her own accord, but at least she had found a nice and affordable place for herself and tried to make it home ever since. Somewhere she would finally belong.

The temporary calm was just the calm before the storm, as it turned out soon; the landlord called to tell her they had changed their plans and they were so very sorry and all that but she would have to move out by the end of the month… Now she could add homeless to the ever-growing list of -lesses. Jobless. Homeless. Worthless…? And, to end it all with a huge cherry on top, her favourite band had just cancelled their only gig in the vicinity, the one she had been waiting for years to attend, the only thing she had been excited for, her only ray of hope left in this world.

Wasn’t hope just plain overrated though? Especially when you were what she would call a ‘bad case of bad luck’; a pessimism-painted realist, somewhere along the way she had learned how to hope and expect good things to happen – and that was the nail to her proverbial coffin. To most people, an unfortunate event or a mild inconvenience, which the things she would experience might or might not have been, would be quite far from the end of the world. But to her, they were. The end of the world. Over and over again. Some of the days, she would even wonder how good it would be if it came for real one day and ended her misery.

But to her ever-growing disappointment, it just would not come quickly enough. And now she ended up in a shady back alley on her way to pick up some groceries, having just ended up that dreadful call, unable to move or think straight. In normal conditions (if there were ever conditions considered as ‘normal’ with her), she would somehow manage to make a straight face, do her business as fast as possible and run back home, just to burst into tears the moment she would close the front door to her flat. But today was different. Crushed with the bearable-no-more weight of living, she just dropped to her knees and started crying right where she had stood, silently sobbing at first just to go full-on wailing, too busy being lost in her own misery to realise anyone could actually see (or hear) her like that. She quickly readjusted her position and now she was sitting with her back propped against a cold brick wall and her arms wrapped around her head, resembling a child who had just lost their parents and could not find their way back to them.

Listening only to her own quickened breathing and the heartbeat thumping through her ears, she did not recognise a sound of footsteps slowly coming into her direction.

***

After having taken care of some business in town, he was now taking a stroll through the neighbourhood. As the streets were rather empty this time of the day, he was enjoying the peace and quiet in the middle of hustle and bustle of the city, lost deeply in his own thoughts… until he heard a peculiar sound coming from a back alley he was just passing by. He did not even slow down at first, trying to ignore that slight disturbance to overall peaceful surroundings, but something at the back of his head started to nag at him to turn around and check the source of the unusual sound.

“Whatever…” he mumbled to himself and headed back to the dark and ugly alley he would normally never give a second look – just to find her. A young woman, sitting all alone on the cold cobbled ground, crying her heart out.

Suddenly hit with an unpleasant pang of worry, he rushed to her without a second thought.

“Hey, you alright?” he asked with a concerned but warm tone in his voice.

Startled out of her mind, she immediately lifted her head up – strands of hair sticking to her wet face and mascara starting to run down her cheeks – just to be met with a pair of deep blue eyes staring down at her with a rather vague expression. She blinked twice, thinking it was just her wild imagination playing tricks on her already messed up mind – but he was still there. A man resembling an angel looking down at her with concern, running his hand up his blonde hair to prevent the fringe from getting its way into his eyes.

She tried to say something – anything – but words just would not come out of her mouth; he was not even supposed to be there with her, she would always be invisible to that kind, only being noticed by drunks and overall dodgy types… She even half-expected him to turn into one of those if she blinked one too many times.

“H-huh…?” she murmured, her stiff tongue only allowing her to produce this much of semi-coherent speech. She still was not convinced he was real and did not want to get her hopes up for nothing. She knew better than to hope again.

He saw reluctance and pure confusion in her glassy eyes. ‘What a beautiful girl she is…’ he thought, wondering what on earth could make her so incredibly sad and put her in the state she was in.

“What happened?” he continued aloud.

“N-nothing,” she answered and her voice was barely audible, accompanied with constant sniffling.

He was suddenly hit with a rather strange idea.

“Wait a sec… d-do you like tea?” he blurted out and smiled sheepishly at her, rubbing the back of his head, suddenly unsure of what to do with himself. In fact, he just could not stand the sight of someone like her sitting out there all alone with tears streaming down her face.

Even though he still had no clue what had caused all that despair, he did not want to push; he could come back to that later if she was willing to share her experience with him at all. All he knew at that point was that he just had to keep her safe and make sure she would get home without any trouble, be it catching a taxi for her or just walking her himself – whatever she would not find too suspicious as they were strangers after all. He decided to protect her from the world that evidently had hurt her so much, even if it would be just for the day.

With his newly found resolve now deeply engraved in his conscience, he took off, leaving her all alone again, hoping and praying she would be fine until he came back.

She stared at his slowly retracting silhouette with astonishment and mouth now wide open but as he disappeared around the corner, she started to overanalyse the whole situation – as ridiculous as it was – just to come up with the only possible explanation.

‘I knew it,’ she thought as she sighed loudly. ‘Of course he would run away, I wouldn’t even want to look at myself right now.’

And then she went onto telling herself how hope was only for the lucky ones, definitely not for someone like her whom the universe hated so much; how no hope was better than actual hope, since no hope equalled no disappointment. And deep in her heart, disappointment was exactly what she felt that very moment.

***

‘Shite, why did you leave her out there, you idiot?!’ he scolded himself as he was running back to ‘her’ alley as fast as his legs allowed him to. He was worried out of his mind for that unknown girl he would probably never even meet again but he just made it a point of honour to somehow ease her pain, whatever had caused it.

“Here, drink it and you’ll feel better,” he bent down in front of her, handing her a takeaway cup from a small café she had previously passed by a thousand times, as it was located just around the corner. “Tea makes everything better,” he added and smiled, as she gave him a confused and a bit wary look.

‘At least she isn’t crying anymore,’ he thought, looking at her damp and pale face slowly producing something in a shape of a soft smile. Maybe he was just imagining things but he could swear the corners of her lips moved even more up when she took a sip from the cup. “I didn’t know what you liked so I went for herbal to help you calm your nerves, hope that’s alright?”

“You’re not trying to drug me, are you?” she asked gingerly and looked him deep in the eye, holding the cup in both her hands, trying to warm herself up a little.

“I give up,” he held his hands up in the air in a defensive gesture. “Whatever I say, you’ll have trouble believing me anyway… At least I would if I were you,” he stated and an honest laughter escaped his mouth.

She giggled almost inaudibly and took another sip. “Thanks.” she murmured quietly.

“Now tell me what’s wrong… You got me really worried here,” he added and the expression on his face shifted to a concerned one.

“D-do you know what Murphy’s law is?” she asked and looked at her own feet, suddenly unable to face him straight on. “Well, it’s not really a law per se but I’m pretty much a living example of that.”

“I reckon I’ve heard that term before… What’s it about?” he replied and scratched his head, wondering where she might be going with that.

“You know, ‘anything that can go wrong will go wrong’ and all that… This is basically the definition of my life, I shouldn’t even be surprised anymore.” she explained and sighed heavily, lifting her head up and finally locking her eyes with his again.

“Tell me more,” he said intrigued, sitting down next to her on the cold and unwelcoming cobbles, noticing a shade of resignation in her voice.

When she mentioned Murphy’s law, or whatever that was, he certainly was not too convinced; but as her words started flowing out of her mouth, a sign of understanding slowly appeared on his face. In any other situation he would most probably think she was just overreacting but that was no ‘other’ situation and he found himself drawn into her wild and meandering explanations, believing her every word.

Her story was very chaotic to say the least; she would often lose her train of thought, just to find it in the middle of something completely unrelated, throwing in yet another digression after digression. Buses that come too early; lost phones; broken bones; missed opportunities; bad things coming in threes (or in swarms, as she liked to say), never raining but pouring... Her life was a mess and she knew it all too well. And now he did too.

He listened to her rambling intently, nodding here and there to let her know he was paying full attention to her, astonished at how many ‘inconveniences’ she had to deal with every day. He slowly came to realisation that she must have been all alone in this whole mess, otherwise why would she even want to share her story with someone she has just met?

As she went on and on about the ‘bad case of bad luck’ that she was convinced she was, he knew he had to help her somehow; everyone had a fair share of the unlucky in their lives – and he was no exception – but he felt that in her case it was a bit too much... How was a girl like her even supposed to lift all of her ever-multiplying misfortunes on her already weakened shoulders? He did not want her to. He was not going to let her.

He felt so sorry for her.

“The universe must really hate me…” she said in a voice filled with sadness and shrugged as to brush off the feeling. “But what can I do…” she added and smiled at him weakly.

No, what he felt was not just sympathy. It took him a moment to think that through but now he was convinced he wanted, needed to be a part of that girl’s life. What role he was to be cast in – he could not care less; all he had to do was to make her happier somehow.

All of a sudden the world went completely silent. The confession was over and he knew it was his turn to say something but he just could not find the right words.

He did not understand the rush of emotions that started to fill him up but, just like when he had laid his eyes on her for the first time that afternoon, all he wanted to do was to protect her at all cost. No, it was actually more than that. She had put trust in him – a total stranger – and let him see a part of her broken soul, something she must have kept hidden for a very long time. Now, in turn, he was willing to help her fix whatever she needed to, even if it was going to take a whole another eternity. He had time. He was patient.

“But karma always comes back, doesn’t it?” he finally said, taking the long-forgotten cup out of her hands and putting it on the ground next to himself. He reluctantly placed his hand on both hers, now free, unsure if he was not crossing the line. The last thing he wanted was to scare her off by making her think he was taking advantage of her state.

But she did not brush it off; his hand was warm and she shivered at the unexpected but pleasant sensation on her skin.

“Maybe the universe has something bloody amazing in store for you just around the corner,” he continued, now taking her hands in both his and giving them a gentle squeeze.

“Isn’t there a café around the corner though?” she replied and as she realised how lame her joke was, she could not help but start laughing.

“Exactly! What did I bring you anyway? ‘The amazing stuff from just around the corner’!” he exclaimed and joined her, letting out a hearty laughter.

“What if I told you I was a pretty lucky type? Maybe that would even things out, don’t you think?” he added in a more serious manner and looked her in the eyes, letting his lips form a lazy smile.

“Pretty or lucky?” she asked in turn, deliberately putting more emphasis on ‘or’. “You can’t possibly be both.” she quickly explained, smirking in triumph and punching her small fist gently against his arm.

“Hey, that was rude!” he replied and punched her back, seeing her tense muscles slowly relax under his touch.

In fact, he still slightly intimidated her; she tried to hide how much of an impact that combination of great looks and what seemed like more than just a decent personality had on her. His smile was genuine, she could tell – but she also could feel it take its effect on her weary body, like a wave of calmness coming at her out of nowhere and washing off all of her troubles. As much as what he had said might have sounded a tad cliché, she wanted to believe him. She just needed that kind of reassurance in her life.

While she was trying to enjoy that sudden but rather pleasant calm, he decided to just let her; if it was making her feel better, even sitting out there in a cold dark alley was more than worth it. Encouraged by her newly-found relaxed attitude, he put his arm around her and brought her closer; she did not protest and responded with a soft hum.

“So… what now?” he suddenly broke the temporary silence and stood up, dusting the dirt off his trousers. “Up we go!” he smiled and extended his arm to help her up.

As she was trying to think of something to say, he took a tissue out of his pocket and pressed it against her cheek. “Let’s make you all cleaned up, shall we.”

“Am I five years old or something?” she pouted but let him finish what he had started.

“Definitely ‘or something’, I’d say,” he tried to defend himself smoothly and she gave in when she saw him smiling innocently at her, laughing it all off.

“Care for a walk? Walks also make things better, you know… Let you take your mind off things, just breathing in the air and landscape around you.“ he said, staring off into the distance.

He hoped she would say yes. It was just a moment they had shared together and he suddenly realised she did not necessarily have to feel the same way about him as he did her. What if she did not? What if she would not let him into her life after all? Was hope really only reserved for the lucky ones? But then again, he did consider himself rather lucky…

“Sure, why not?” she shattered his doubt in a split second, re-establishing eye contact and presenting him with a warm and genuine smile – that kind of smile that produces a spark in the eyes the moment it reaches them.

Without giving it a second thought, he grabbed her hand and felt her fingers intertwine with his. His warm palm against her cold skin, they started to walk along, unsure of their final destination; maybe there was not even one, maybe the whole point lied somewhere along the way. Somewhere in between.

They did not even know each other’s names – but everything at that moment just felt right. 

[distractionpie]

get to know me meme game

tagged by @ruinsrebuilt

LAST

1) Drink: tap water

2) Phone Call: I honestly don’t remember 

3) Text Message: I got an advertising text from betfair about half an hour ago.

4) Song Listened To: Beautiful from the Heathers musical soundtrack

5) Time I Cried: the other week. The wonderful combo of hormones, tiredness and frustration.

HAVE YOU EVER

6) Dated Somebody Twice: no

7) Been Cheated On: no 

8) Been Kissed By Someone And Regretted It: No

9) Lost Someone Special: not really – I’ve lost family but never anyone I’ve been close to at the time, as cold as that is 

10) Been Depressed: no. I’ve been pretty low but never to a medical extent.

11) Gotten Drunk And Puked: maybe -  I was once a mess for several days after drinking and pretty rough for a few weeks after that, but I’d been under the weather a few days before that and wouldn’t have normally drank in that position except for it was a friends leaving party, so I think that was the bigger factor, and drinking was just the last straw, rather than just me having the worlds longest hangover

THREE FAVORITE COLORS

12) green 

13) purple

14) orange 

IN THE LAST YEAR

15) Made New Friends: I hope so. There are people I’d consider friends but I don’t know if they’d think of me the same way. 

16) Fallen Out Of Love: No

17) Laughed Until You Cried: no 

18) Found Out Someone Was Gossiping About You: No

19) Met Someone Who Changed Your Life: no 

20) Found Out Who Your True Friends Are: eeehhh, I’m not sure how I even feel about the concept of ‘true’ friends. I’ve got my people and they’re cool I don’t really feel the need to overanalyse it. Relationships grow and change but that doesn’t mean they weren’t real.

21) Kissed Someone On Your Facebook List: no (god this section is so bare – I have done nothing I’m sorry)

HOW MANY/MUCH

22) Facebook Friends: 74 – and a fair number of those are just people from school I haven’t spoken to in years but keep around so that when university people look me up on there they don’t think I’m a total hermit

23) Pets: my family has a dog who I still think of as party mine even though I don’t live there anymore

24) Want To Change Your Name: nah I’m comfy with my name

WHAT

25) Did I Get For My Birthday: sweets, chocolate, cider – my birthday is so near Christmas so birthday tends to skew more care package than stuff

26) Time I Woke Up: 4:50am. This is not normal but I had to get up early to ensure I had enough time to put the last edits on my essay so when I woke up before my 5:30 alarm it didn’t seem worth trying to get back to sleep again

27) Were You Doing At Midnight: getting ready for bed 

28) Can’t You Wait For: my uni’s spring break. To be able to read all the easy co big bang fics. To have disposable income again.

29) Was The Last Time You Saw Your Mom: January – she gave me a ride to the train station 

30) Was Something You Wish You Could Change About Your Life: on a general level my life is pretty alright and comfortable. When it comes to petty stuff – I wish a had a fridge that didn’t make such an annoying noise

31) Are You Listening To Right Now: my fridge making it’s usual annoying noise.

32) Gets On Your Nerves: my fridge. Okay no I’ll stop it. People that was in groups all spread out widthways taking up the whole pavement so you have to step in the gutter to get past them. It’s fine on a narrow pavement or if it’s just two people but bigger groups annoy me.

33) Talked To A Person Named Tom: yeah there were a few Toms in my school

34) Is Your Most Visited Website: tumblr and then ao3

35) Elementary School: I moved around a lot as a kid so I went to a whole bunch of different schools when I was that age across three different school structure types

36) High School: I went to the only school in town and it was a seven year endurance event for the most part

37) College: Aberdeen uni but not for long now

38) Hair Color: red-brown. It depends on the lighting.

39) Long/Short Hair: medium – I’d like it to be longer but when it gets much past my shoulders it starts to get all limp and straggly

40) Crush: not right now. There was a terrible moment a few weeks ago where I thought I might have slipped up but I haven’t seen her since so all of my emotions have been squashed back down to where they’re supposed to be.

41) Do You Like About Yourself: ??????? like ?????? ,myself ???????? lol no I’m okay but there’s nothing specific I can think of to pick out right now. My cleavage looks pretty good in the shirt I’m wearing right now so there’s that.

42) Piercings: only earlobes 

43) Blood Type: O something. My blood card is like two feet away from me but I can’t be bothered to get up off my couch to check so if you feel like stealing my organs you’re just gonna have to take your chances

44) Nickname: none really. Emily just doesn’t need much shortening – I get ‘Em’ sometimes but nothing more significant

45) Relationship Status: very single. Which is for the best consider I’m probably not sticking around here much longer.

46) Zodiac: Sagittarius 

47) Pronouns: She/Her.

48) Favorite Show: aaaaahhhhhhh pick just one????? Leverage.

49) Tattoos: none. I can barely commit to putting a sticker on something I own let alone permanently marking my body. Also pain. Not about that.

50) Left/Right Handed: Right

FIRST

51) Surgery: I had a few teeth out as a kid but that’s as close I’ve come

52) Piercing: I got my ears done earlish in secondary school so I must have been around 11/12/13

53) Best Friend: her name was Eilish and we went to the same nursey school and were super tight all the way through till year one when I moved. I probably only remember because there’s a few photos with her in old albums and my mum used to label them quite well

54) Sport: I used to watch football

55) Vacation: I don’t actually remember but based on probability most likely Scarborough

56) Pair Of Shoes: I have NO idea????????

RIGHT NOW

57) Eating: nothing but I’m about to go make a toastie if have enough bread left.

58) Drinking: water.

59) I Am About To: see above. It’s dinner time so even if there’s no bread I’m still gonna have to cook something.

60) Listening To: nothing because my fridge is behaving momentarily! WOO!

61) Waiting For: bedtime

62) Want To See: lego batman movie, also the aurora borealis

63) Want To Get Married: I’m not opposed to it, it could be fun, but nor would I feel like there was something missing from my life if I never did

64) Career: student and just starting to look for graduate work

WHICH IS BETTER

65) Hugs/Kisses: HUGS. Warm and secure and yes please.

66) Lips/Eyes: Lips maybe, in that I’m more likely to notice somebody smiling than be paying much attention their eyes.

67) Taller/Shorter: taller b/c I am average height and I can wear heels if I want to even things out with taller people but with shorter people I tend to find it a bit weird b/c most adults I know are around my height or bigger

68) Younger/Older: I don’t really understand the context of this. In general I have no opinions, if it means in dating – well people more than a few years younger than me are children so obviously older.

69) Romantic/Spontaneous: I mean things can be romantic and spontaneous, but I guess if I had to pick one or the other I’d say romantic if only because spontaneous=impulsive=risky

70) Nice Arms/Nice Stomach: arms?

71) Sensitive/Loud: ssssshhhhhhh…. Sensitive…. I like loud people in small doses but they can be overwhelming

72) Hookup/Relationship: relationship, I can’t imagine being comfortable enough with a stranger for a hookup and fwb type arrangements just seem like they’d get messy

73) Troublemaker/Hesitant: Hesitant. I’m a worrier about 90% of the time. The other 10% can be silly and impulsive but rarely in a troublesome way, I still try to consider the impact of what ido.

HAVE YOU EVER

74) Kissed A Stranger: no

75) Drank Hard Liquor: yes

76) Lost Glasses/Contact Lenses: oh god I’m dreadful for this 

77) Turned Someone Down: Yes. I’ve never been hit on by anybody who’s known me for more than a few hours, and I have only once had any interest in somebody I’d known for such a short amount of time, so it’s pretty inevitable

78) Canoodling On A First Date: lmao imagine somebody wanting to date me

79) Broken Someone’s Heart: not that I know of 

80) Had Your Own Heart Broken: no. somebody would have to dig it out forst

81) Been Arrested: No

82) Cried When Someone Died: no. I feel cold about it but my reaction to human death has always been quite calm and rational, I’ve never personally known anyone who died suddenly so that probably helps.

83) Fallen For A Friend: no. In the nicest way possible I tend to friendzone pretty hard – I only have a few friends so I’m not gonna even let my mind consider the possibility of making it weird and scaring them off.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

84) Yourself: eh, I believe in myself like I believe in gravity. It’s there, it exists and it does what it’s supposed to and it will probably continue to do so regardless of what mind I choose to pay to it.

85) Miracles: not the religious sort. Humans and luck can make some unexpected and wonderful things happen though.

86) Santa Claus: hahaha not for a long time.

87) Kisses On A First Date: sure if it feels right 

88) Angels: no

89) Love At First Sight: no. attraction and admiration is possible and maybe that’s enough to give you a sense of potential but real love takes time

OTHER

90) Best Friend’s Name: alex.

91) Eye Color: sort of greeny-hazel

92) Favorite Movie: Pride 

TAGGING: I usually try to pass stuff like this on on to at least a few people but I’m tired b/c I’m useless on less than eight hours a night and ash already tagged all the obvious people so I’m going to tag @nighttime please come for me soon so that I may sleep

[themaraudingmisfits-blog]

Advice you probably shouldn’t take

DISCLAIMER: The following decrees are spewed by the mind of a highly unqualified twenty something who has zero knowledge about philosophy and even lesser tact or wisdom to dish out sappy quotes and is totally against self help books and thinks rainy days in her jammies with hot cocoa is what it feels like to be “zen”.

Since I don’t have a fairy Godmother who turns pumpkins into carriages, life sorta continued sucking till I learned these things the hard way and I though hey, why not bug you guys with it and maybe some unhappy soul  who is ambling around in this big bad world might actually find it useful but then again since it’s me, it’s advice you probably shouldn’t take...

#1.My first decree to all you humans and non -alike-THOU SHALT BE AWESOME!!

Don’t ever be any less!!

Don’t go down gently!!

Be relentless!!!

Raise hell!!

To all the haters who tell you to be less weird or less loud or to live by the rules or to be part of the flock…tell all of them to fuck off!!

We struggle with the whole of our being to get through each day, with bad coffee and late passes and F’s on pop quizzes and broken hearts , why make it harder than it already is by trying to fit in? Why be a different you? Why must you listen to the dont’s and the cant’s and the shouldnt’s  and all those other frownie words?

Take your life by the reins and charge into the world with your oh so special souls coz you have one freaking life and you have to make it count as the sparkly person you are!! Be proud and awesome!

Be confused, be gay, be a lesbian, be emo, be a blob, be anything and want everything because you deserve nothing less and you are enough for yourself!!

#2.QUIT

Whaaat?? What is this crazy chick saying? The whole world tell me to keep going, to keep trying ,quitters never win and all that bull and one fine day she comes along and tells me to quit?

Yes, I just told you to quit.

Quit doing what you don’t like LOVE !!

Don’t do it coz your best friend does it, or it’s been in the family or that’s what your sister majored in. Stop taking those guitar lessons you hate, you don’t have to watch GOT or listen to profane songs or put on make-up. Stop doing all those things unless you absolutely sure as hell love doing it. Coz you’ll have been whiling away your time, missing out on things you love. Do you really want that for yourself?

If you dont’ stop now then soon you’ll be stuck at a desk job typing in numbers and missing out on doing some volunteer work or taking snake charming lessons or gorging on barbeque flavoured bagels in Northern California so quit now and run off , getting the hell away from what was holding you back,

 #3.It’s okay to say NO!!

I’m one of those people who cannot CANNOT say a decent NO to anyone even if it means doing something that makes me miserable or if it means having to walk an extra kilometre to go get that person’s favourite kind of popsicle even if she’s been a total bitch to me my whole life,I multi task, I take on stuff, a gazillion things with the complete knowledge that I know I won’t be able to go through with it but I’m going to use my yet to be discovered powers and what happens at the end? I mess up, I’m unhappy and grumpy and I compIain about what was originally my fault because I was a wimp who couldn’t muster up the single syllabic no.

But you know what? You are not super human, most of us are struggling to be barely human, we cannot do everything, that whole “anything is possible if you believe “ is total BULLSHIT!! It’s not, you can’t complete your assignments and study for that test and still have the pulsating energy for that party next door. So don’t go for it unless your brain says HELL YEAH!!LET’S DO IT!!

#4.PEOPLE  HAVE  EXPIRY DATES!!

Yea you heard me right...I said people not the can of soup that has been growing some sort of suspicious looking green stuff(which by the way you should stop hoarding!!).

Not worth it to-be stuck in a unkind, possessive , abusive, snarly ,jealous ,selfish…basically pick any word from Webster’s which associates itself with a generally unhappy state of mind relationship…those people should be dead to you by now.

IT’S TIME FOLKS!!IT’S TIME TO MOVE ON!!

Move on from friends who treat you like crap, from boyfriends who treat you like crap,from girlfriends who treat you like crap…you are not crap!!

No more abusive words, no more long sleeved sweaters to hide your black and blue skin, no more should you feel unloved, unwanted or undesired, no more lying and tears. Let’s not make our lives into a second production of sad soaps coz grass is definitely greener on this side of life where there’s only love, trust and respect and smiles from the very few who count.

So get off that curvalacious ass of yours, leave all that rotting people baggage behind for good with no guilt stricken conscience and start walking away while humming HAKUNA MATATA!!

#5.Dont strain those emotional brain muscles!!

Overanalysing?

Thinking so hard that you have that constipated vegetable look on your face? Sleepless nights? Heated discussions where you take advise from a gazillion other people who think they know what’s good for you?

Should I say yes to that guy?

Should I order that scrumplicious looking doughnut or go for that equally yummy cupcake?

Pink or blue?

STOP!!

As my dog-loving-only-chicken-eating(coz chickens don’t have brains)friend(after this maybe ex-friend) would say..go with  your instincts!!

You’ll screw up! Probably the very next decision you take after this will turn out to be a hot mess and you’ll want to kill me but atleast you’ll know never to do it that way..I now know that I shouldn’t ever wear pink after a horribly etched in my memory photoshoot, prawns make me nauseous after the embarrassing barfing incident at an upscale Chinese restaurant ,I shouldn’t ever have anything to do with technology(I go in like god-freaking-zilla and I step on it or break it or submerge it…)

I’m never a 100% certain about my decisions but they’re mine and I take sole responsibility ,no blame games for me.I stopped overthinking, I go with the flow now, I’m impulsive and rash,I don’t agonize over things anymore and it’s made life SOOOOOO much easier, more time to add the I should never do this list.

I’d be lying if I said that I don’t think and take crappy advice AT ALL ,but I’m better, instead of spending a week now I take like two days.Hey, maybe I’ll get better one day...

#6.Love the hot boiling mess that you turn your life into!

YOU SCREWED UP??? What the hell is wrong with you? How could you mess this up? Weren’t you thinking straight??

Dudes and dudettes, I’d ask those same questions to the ones who don’t screw up and pack them off to the nearest loony bin.

It’s okay to screw up…it’s normal.

Everyone around you telling you to be a proactive fixer upper?

Being asked to take responsibility ?

To stop moping around and take action?

BACK OFF!!Those people are the emotionless Umbridges of life.

You messed up? Big fucking whoop!! You don’t have to pick yourself up, take all the blame, find a solution and make things right and still have the energy to carry on. If that was the case then I’d be able to do impossible things like solve the mystery behind the Bermuda triangle and lift Thor’s hammer, but there’s a reason why I don’t do these things, because they’re impossible!!

You let things go down to shit? Be upset, cry, bawl your eyes out, don’t talk to people, eat that monstrous bucket of chicken, do what you have to, feel better. You feel better now?

Pat yourself on the back and slowly pick yourself up from that slough of despair , surround yourself with friends who back you up no matter what and try to sort things out and if not then have the heart to let go and  most importantly, even if you don’t fix things, FORGIVE YOURSELF.

REPEAT THE PROCESS AS AND WHEN NEEDED!!

#7.You feel it? Then show it!

Don’t ever hold back on what you’re feeling, let it all out.

SHOUT OUT AND CELEBRATE!!SQUEAL AND JUMP AROUND AND SMILE LIKE CRAZY AND CRY...

Embrace those happy moments!! Be excited, unreasonably so. Feel ungraciously happy, weak in your knees happy, fist pumping, bursting out of your seams happy. It’s okay to be happy.

CRY. Wring out those tear ducts, let those waves of sadness keep coming, heart breaking sobs, it’s okay to cry.

BE ANGRY.BE FURIOUS.SCREAM if you have to, throw things around, don’t hold back on what you have to say or do.(DO NOT DECAPITATE ANYONE)

Be ANYTHING you want to be, because the right ones who care will understand and they WILL stay.

Cut yourself some slack guys!!You’re worth every bit of love and all the cuddly puppies in the world. Forgive yourself. Hug yourself. Take time off. Stop chasing people and their dreams, start chasing your glittery dream, even if it’s to finally go get some milk from the grocery store or do some late spring cleaning or to land that long dreamt of position as chief editor and love love love and forgive forgive forgive, yourself and everything.

All this might not really unveil answers to the unsolved mysteries of the universe..where do all my pens keep disappearing or who ate the last cookie in the jar..but it helped me through a lot of shit, made me deal with life a lot better than before and made me fall in love with myself all over again, and maybe just maybe you might take up some of this or even smile and THAT my dears, even just a tiny smile will make ALL the difference.