#this whole chapter feels like it took me years but 15 only went up a week ago so that's cool how time is fake

[rorywritesjunk]

I can’t tell where the journey will end But I know where to start

Prequel to my Kid Buggy fic, set about 11-ish years before that story.

Buggy meets you by chance when he needs his buttons sewn back onto his jacket. He’s young, up and coming, and he thinks everyone should cower before him wherever he goes, but all you do is smile at him.

Rating: PG-13ish just for some swearing. Warning: Buggy’s in his early 20s. He’s an asshole. He just is because I wanted to write him loud, demanding, everything. Also, I'm not nice to Buggy when he tries to flirt. I definitely write him as a bit of a disaster when it happens. It's just going to get a bit worse from here. There's a storm mentioned in this chapter and a love confession. A/N: I have no idea when Buggy became a Captain, so he’s a fresh faced captain in this. No clue how long this fic will be. A shoutout to @lavalampskyy for telling me about the song "Warm" by Montcrieff because that song definitely influenced me to actually write this chapter and rework some things, so thank you friend! I've listened to it way too much in the last 24 hours.

Title comes from “Wake Me Up” by Avicii.

TAGLIST: @lostfirefly @ane5e @kingofthemfingpirates @the-angriest-angel @tiredemomama @valen-yamyam16 @i-reblog-fics-i-like @plethora-of-fickleness @uhnanix Chapter 1 + Chapter 2 + Chapter 3 + Chapter 4 + Chapter 5 + Chapter 6 + Chapter 7 + Chapter 8 + Chapter 9 + Chapter 10 + Chapter 11 + Chapter 12 + Chapter 13 + Chapter 14 + Chapter 15 + Chapter 16 + Chapter 17 + Chapter 18 + Epilogue

Chapter 9

Buggy realized he was truly in love with you when you hugged him that day but he didn’t say anything, not yet. He wanted it to be perfect when he told you. He wasn’t quite ready to propose marriage yet either, and the two of you only had one date, sort of, which ended in him embarrassing himself, but the fact that you brushed off the spill and took care of him made him realize that he wanted that all the time with you. There was no one else for him after that.

He just needed the right time to tell you. 

The best time, he decided, was when he brought his coat to you once again one afternoon, a few weeks after the hug. Benji was at the counter, looking unimpressed when he saw Buggy. He looked the pirate up and down before rolling his eyes.

“What do you want now?” The teen asked, sounding bored.

“Benji.” You warned as you came from the backroom. You were trying to get him to be a little nicer to the clients. Your eyes lit up when you saw Buggy and you smiled; he straightened up and held his coat out.

“Sorry.” Benji grumbled. “How can I help you today, sir?”

“Better.” You took the coat from Buggy. “Mm, what’s wrong with it now, Buggy?”

“None of the threads holding the buttons match.” He told you as you hung it up. Benji made a face and went to look it over with you. The thread looked fine to him and he nudged you gently.

“I think he’s losing his eyesight.” He whispered as he glanced back at Buggy. “They look fine to me.”

You shook your head and chuckled. “No, no, he’s right. The shades are just different enough that it can be noticeable.” You turned back to Buggy. “Can I keep it for a few hours to work on it?”

“Only if I can take you out to dinner afterwards.” He said with a grin. You looked a little surprised by that but you smiled and nodded.

“After you pay for the services, of course.”

“I-I was going to pay!” He exclaimed, looking flustered now. “Why wouldn’t I pay?!”

“I’m teasing, of course you’ll pay.” You chuckled as you smoothed the front of the coat out. “I’ll have it ready for our date then.”

Ha! You called it a date. That was perfect. Buggy couldn’t help but feel smug as he winked at you and turned to leave the shop. He shut the door behind him, hoping you didn’t notice several of his fingers got caught in the door jamb and popped off, falling to the floor. He hastily opened the door and collected them before shutting it again. You and Benji watched the whole thing; Benji seemed a little horrified but you just shook your head.

“You’re going out with him?” Benji asked, sounding disgusted. “Why?!”

“I like him.” You told him as you went to go find some thread and a needle. “And he’s very sweet to me.”

“Lots of guys are sweet to you.” Benji pointed out as he returned to the counter. “I don’t get why you like it coming from him though.”

“He’s not like the others.” You shrugged as you set your tools down on the table and collected his jacket. “Now, I’m going to have you help with this, so you have to do it correctly, understand? You can’t mess it up on purpose because you don’t like Buggy.”

“Fine.” He grumbled as he went to help you.

~

Buggy arrived three hours later. He made sure to look his best. His face was clean, his hair was brushed, and he wore some of his best clothes to take you out. He had a bouquet of flowers for you and a basket in one hand. He felt a picnic dinner at the lake would be a good spot. He wouldn’t be an asshole this time, you could see the ducks, and he could tell you that he was in love with you and everything would be perfect. 

He entered the shop and saw Benji and Miss Pins first. They looked up at him; Benji rolled his eyes but Miss Pins looked quite amused to see him.

“So, another date?” She asked. Buggy glared at her as his face reddened.

“What if it is?” He shot back as he set the basket down. 

Miss Pins shrugged, a smirk on her face as looked him up and down. “And dressed up for it as well. You really like our Sunny, don’t you?”

“Listen, you-”

He didn’t get to finish the sentence because you came down the stairs at that moment, catching his attention. He turned to look and his eyes widened. You had a new dress on, one he hadn’t seen before, a pretty light green color with cap sleeves. It fell at mid-calf, the skirt had a nice swoosh to it, and the neckline didn’t dip down too far. There was embroidery around the hem of the skirt, colorful flowers with twisty stems and leaves. Did you make this yourself?

“Your coat is ready.” You told him as you went right past him to grab it from the back. He was just staring at you, speechless for a moment as his brain registered that you dressed nice for him. Benji waved his hand in front of Buggy’s face to get his attention while Miss Pins snapped her fingers. You came back out with it and took it off the hanger, holding it out for him. He let you put it on him, face burning bright red as you smoothed it over his shoulders. He turned around to face you and you tugged on one of the buttons. “All matching threads for you, Buggy.”

He said nothing as he slammed the payment onto the counter and then held the bouquet out to you. Words were escaping him right then because he didn’t know what to say to you. You took the bouquet from him and kissed his cheek before taking them to the backroom to find them a vase.

“Why isn’t he saying anything?” Benji whispered to Miss Pins. She shrugged.

“No clue.”

“S-Shut it, you two!” Buggy managed to hiss as he glared at them. “I’m fine!”

“Are you though?” Benji grinned. Before Buggy could respond you came back out, setting the vase on the table. He picked the basket up and held his hand out to you, which you took before he led you out of the shop and down the road. 

~

Buggy didn’t want to jinx it because so far everything was going perfectly. He had put a blanket down, pulled the food out (something he got from the little cafe you had your first date at), and he even had a bag of seed for you to throw to the ducks. He still didn’t quite get the enjoyment in that, but if it meant seeing how your eyes lit up and the little squeals of joy you emitted every time one quacked at you, then he would make sure to always bring you a giant bag of seeds for the ducks. 

It was perfect until clouds started to roll in. Buggy tried to ignore them, hoping they would just move along to somewhere else so the two of you could keep enjoying the nice weather. 

He cleared his throat and took your hand in his. “I… have something to say.”

“Okay.” You turned to look at him, giving his hand a squeeze. “What is it?”

There was a rumbling of thunder in the distance. No, no, it needed to wait until he could tell you. 

“Sunny, I’m in lo-”

The clouds opened up and the rain came down, catching the two of you by surprise. You gathered everything into the basket before grabbing his hand and dragging him over to a nearby structure to get out of the wet. You couldn’t help but laugh at the sudden downpour but Buggy didn’t find it funny.

“Why is it every time I try…” He grumbled as he crossed his arms, glaring outwards. You didn’t hear him as you walked over to him, tapping him on the shoulder. He turned to look at you, still glaring, but you weren’t bothered by it.

“What were you about to say to me before the downpour?” You asked. 

He hesitated. If he said anything else something could happen, like a flash flood or the structure collapsing. And if he said it, how would you react to it? He was in love with you but what if you weren’t in love with him? What if you just laughed at him, patted him on the cheek and sent him on his way? He was starting to wonder if you were just tolerating him at this point.

“I didn’t…” He hesitated, maybe this was a bad idea.

You frowned as you pulled him into a hug. He allowed this, letting his head rest on your shoulder as you pressed a kiss to his temple. This is what he wanted. He just wanted to be in your arms forever and if he wanted that he needed to tell you how he felt before someone else came along and you decided they were better for you. 

The two of you stayed like that for a moment before Buggy finally spoke. 

“I’m in love with you.” He mumbled against your shoulder. You didn’t quite catch that and pulled back from him. 

“Can you repeat that?” You asked kindly. “I didn’t understand.”

He lifted his head off your shoulder and quickly said, “Iminlovewithyou.”

“I… didn’t understand that, Buggy.” You told him, smiling as you shook your head. “Can you say it again?”

He hated that he was hesitant. This was supposed to be some grand proclamation he was about to make, but given his track record of trying to do anything for you, he was convinced something horrible was about to happen. Lightning could strike him before he could speak, or that stupid handsome swordsman would appear and take you away, or what if the ducks suddenly attacked him? 

You touched his cheek, snapping him back to his senses. “Buggy?”

It had to be now or never, ducks be damned. 

He took both of your hands in his and took a deep breath. “I’m in love with you.”

There, he said it. 

Lightning didn’t strike either of you. No one else showed up to take you away from him. And he glanced over your shoulder to see the ducks still in the lake, not charging toward him in an angry horde. You, however, were quiet. That was starting to worry him, but he had to deal with this. You probably didn’t feel the same way. It was stupid of him to even think you would. He let go of your hands, trying to think of a joke to get him out of this now because why would you ever want someone like him? He just needed to tell you he was kidding, that it wasn’t true, just wanted to see what you’d do, but before he could do anything, you grabbed the front of his coat and pulled him close, leaning up to kiss him.

He stiffened, not expecting that reaction. He expected you to push him away, telling him to stop making jokes, that you didn’t feel the same way. Those scenarios played through in his head as you kissed him, not letting him leave yet. Were you waiting to tell him to leave you alone, that you didn’t want to see him ever again after this?

When you finally pulled back from the kiss, you still held onto the front of his coat, not letting him bolt. Your cheeks were pink, you were smiling up at him, and he didn’t know what to make of the twinkle in your eye. He was just waiting for the inevitable.

“I like you a lot, Buggy.” You told him. “And I’m starting to fall in love with you.” There was a crack of thunder nearby and you laughed. “Let’s go back to the shop before we get washed away. I’ll make you a hot drink.”

He nodded fast, head almost dislodging from his body at the speed of the movement. You were starting to fall in love, that meant you were going to eventually. That was better than what he was anticipating happening.

[judes-hoe]

Bitter rivals,Sweet love

Parrings~Lewis Hamilton x OC

Summary~She’s gonna be in f1 for her third year and goes to a team no one expects her to. She’s always got a cold expression and only those close to her know why. Shes been close one to many times to winning a championship and this year she’s gonna get it no matter what.

Warnings~ none but there will be some next chapter for sure

A/N~ sorry it took forever to get out I had insane writers block for the longest time😔

Pt.1 pt.2 pt.4 pt.5

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It was race day, Vanessa favorite part of Grand Prixs. Honestly probably everyone’s favorite part. She headed to the paddock at 8:30am because they had an early race. She walked into the Mercedes garage and greeted some people before walking over to Calvin.

“Caio, morning Calvin.” she said to him standing next to him. “Hey nessa,” he said back with a smile. She walks over to her drivers room, she walks over to the little chair she has and kneels on the floor in front of it. She starts praying like she does before every race. “Dear lord may I be safe throughout the race and all 19 other drivers, I hope for a good race and nothing serious, amen.” She spoke out taking a moment before standing up.

FP3 went good for Vanessa and then when qualifications happened she ended up getting pole position, with Max and Lewis behind her.

She started getting suited for the race around 9am. She put on her fireproofs and then her suit along with her shoes after that. She checked herself before walking out and getting handed her balaclava and helmet. She talks to Calvin before putting in her ear piece. She puts her balaclava on and then turns she helmet around kissing the 2 names on the back. She then puts on her helmet getting ready for the formation lap.

She gets into the car and drives out along with the other drivers as they do their formation lap her being P1, Max P2, Lewis P3, so she had some competition. Vanessa was sat in the car waiting to see the first set of red lights. They all slowly came on one by one.

“Lights out and away we go!”

Vanessa slammed on the accelerator, Lewis and max close behind. She managed to still stay in front while Lewis and max fight for 2nd.

Around 10 laps in Vanessa managed to get a 12 second gap between her and lewis.

Vanessa got to the 18th lap and decided to box. “Calvin can I box?” She asked through the radio. “Box box ness.” He replied. She pulled into the pit lane and switched her mediums to a new pair. She managed to get out the pit still in p1 but Lewis was now 7 seconds gap.

Vanessa did mange to get the gap back to 11 seconds after 5 laps. So it’s now the 23rd lap.

Lewis ended up pitting on the 25th lap so now she had Charles behind her but that was a 15 second gap.

Vanessa then ask Calvin through radio, “Calvin can I get the top 5?” Calvin the answers her request. “You, Lewis, max, Charles, and Lando.” She then ask, “gap between me and Lewis?” He takes a minute then answers. “Almost a second gap..” he said to her. “Thanks..” she replied with annoyance.

Vanessa watched in her mirrors as Lewis was now slightly behind her. DRS zone comes up and they are now wheel to wheel, but when the turn comes up she manages to stay in front and push him back a little.

It stays that way until Lewis pits. Now on the 38th lap. Once she had a good gap between her and second she pitted on the 39th lap.

She managed to stay first the whole race which is really impressive, she did have a few more fights with Lewis once he was able to close the gap but on the last lap she got a 8 second gap between the two of them and won the race. She did her interview once she got out the car, was weighted, and celebrated with her team.

“Vanessa hello.” The interviewer said. “Caio!” She replied. “So how are you feeling after winning the first race of the new season and with the new team?” Interviewer asked. “Feels amazing honestly especially keeping first for the whole race, expecting to win many more.” She said with a wink to the camera. “I hope you have an amazing celebration thank you!” The interviewer said before interviewing Charles who got P3.

I grab my hat and walk to the cooldown room. I sat on the 1st place chair and drank from the water bottle also wearing the 1st place hat. I watched as Charles walked in now to long after and grabbed his water and hat sitting in the 3rd place chair. “Great race today Charles.” I said to him while he sat. “You too ness!” He said drinking his water and putting his cap on.

Lewis walked in about 10 minutes later, grabbing his hat and water leaning against the wall. The tension was awkward and would be cut with a knife it was so thick. Charles made little small talk with him but felt bad for not including Vanessa but she was glad he didn’t.

Soon they got called out one by one onto the podium. She was last to walk out, giving a small smile and a wave to the people as she walked out and stepped on first place.

They then all received their trophies and take a picture before the Italian national anthem starts. Vanessa has her hands behind her back looking at the sky while the anthem plays. After the anthems are played they grab the champagne and start spraying it everywhere, she got Charles pretty good and then sprayed her team a little, Charles and Lewis sprayed each other before I felt Charles pour some on my head.

The 3 of them then leave the podium. The team gives her and Lewis ‘congratulations’. She then goes to her drivers room and gets changed before she talks with Toto.

“Hey Toto,” she said with a small smile. “Hey Vanessa, amazing race today very proud of you!” He said with a big smile. “Thank you, couldn’t do it without you.” Vanessa said. “Well enjoy your night and see you next weekend!” He said with a smile.

She then goes back to the hotel and changes into comfortable clothes, her flight back to Monaco is at 11am so she’ll wear something comfortable to wear to the airport.

Vanessa pretty much stays in the hotel the rest of the day, taking a very long nap and watching tv. She eats something before going to bed at 9pm since she has an early flight.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Vanessa wakes up at 9:30am. She packs back up the suitcase and leaves to go to the airport. She gets some breakfast on the way and gets to the airport at 10:23am. She goes through security and all that before heading to where her plane is. She waits before they call her section which is first class and gets on the plane. Once everyone else is boarded the plane takes off back to Monaco.

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Liked by:Charles_leclerc, 274k more…

Vanessa.Pesci: first win and there will be more just wait🏆

Comments:

Charles_leclerc: it was very early😔

Liked by author

User9: she’s the queen😻

Landonorris: queen if italy 🇮🇹

Vanessa.Pesci: damn right only one

Danielriccardo: indeed born to make history!!!!

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The Saudi Arabian Grand Prix went well for Vanessa getting P2, max P1, and Carlos in P3.

Vanessa was now in Australia for the 3rd Grand Prix. She always loved racing in Australia it always had a different vibe to it, except for her home races.

She was currently getting ready for the last qualifying. She was in the car getting ready to go out once Lewis came back in. Vanessa was talking to Calvin about how she can’t wait for her home race that’s in like 4-5 weeks. She then watched as Hamilton pulled into the pit and got her ‘ok’ to go out.

She did her warm up lap before speeding past the line to start her lap. She managed to get P3 and decided to do a second lap which she got fastest lap so now she’s P1. She decided to pit now and let Lewis go for the last 2 minutes. He didn’t beat her time but got P2 right behind her.

She got out her car in the garage and look her helmet off and unzipped the suit wrapping it around her waist. She got pulled into an interview and she answered their questions about the race and she was done for the day and tomorrow was race day.

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Taglist: @happy-golden-hour @tallrock35

[riririnnnn]

Hello i just want to who do you think is gonna win bm or pxg i wanted to ask your opinion cause you theories are creative on completely different not we almost have same mbti im ENTP 7w6

You know, I don't actually know much about MBTI or Enneagram type much—I just took two quiz, got the results and then just went with it. Time to time, I do see some things related to ENFJ and 6w5 on any of my social media's feed, and I just go, "Yeah, same." And that's it, lol.

Jumping into your main question:

Did you just say my theories are creative?

LMFAO, thanks <3

Anyway, so BM Vs PxG, huh?

Hooooooonestly, I'm not sure. I mean, I am sure, but at the same time, I'm not. The thing I'm thinking seems cliché, so it feels like a lie: BM will win.

Why?

Well, first of all, it's Isagi's team and:

BM and PxG, both haven't lost a single game it now, so winning the match against eachother is like indirectly claiming the best team of NEL title, and the protagonist's team not being the best after the protagonist has gone through hardships and proved himself multiple times—doesn't sound right, you know.

But it's not uncommon for any Shōnen Mangas these days to have moments where the protagonist doesn't get the longer end of stick.

However, I have other reasons, other than Isagi, to think why BM will win:

1. Kunigami Rensuke

Kunigami didn't have that much of moments to shine till now. Yeah, he did have some moments here and there, but it was pretty obvious to sense that Kaneshiro-san was saving him for PxG where he can go head to head with his real rival, Shidou Ryusei.

And hallelujah!

Kunigami has gone ham against Shidou and we have only seen them together in like one chapter? Just imagine what might happen in the future! Further, Shidou has already scored a goal and I don't see him scoring another one because:

Rin is there too. He will surely score a goal and for BM to win, max goal limit for PxG is 2.

Sure, Shidou can score two goals, it isn't a farfetched thing to say, but Rin scoring NO goal in a match? Nuh-uh, Sun might as well rise up from the west at that point.

2. Michael Kaiser

You will never understand how much I want to just roundhouse kick those people that say, "Kaiser has gone downhill," or "Rin has devoured Kaiser," like, my brother in Christ, there are, literally, 2-3 people man-marking Kaiser—he is a great soccer player, but he isn't a God, he has his limits. Sure, Rin might one-up Kaiser in the future, but as of Chapter 256, he hasn't.

Secondly, the whole Kaiser Vs Isagi thing—trying to one-up eachother, they literally elevate eachother's level simultaneously, so I can imagine: Isagi blocks/steals a goal from PxG -> gets counter-attacked and blocked -> Kaiser comes to steal the goal and scores.

HOWEVER!

Why for the love of Blue Lock we are forgetting about Kaiser and Isagi teaming up together? It's something that has been anticipated for so long! I just bet that Kaiser x Isagi goal is going to be breathtaking! And no, I just can't imagine Kaiser x Isagi goal being blocked/unsuccessful.

3. Hiori Yo

Without waiting for more chapters, we can confidently confirm that Hiori's matchup in PxG is Charles and though that 15 year old Imp is AWESOME, we can't forget the literal renaissance Hiori went through during the Ubers match—I don't think so that Kaneshiro-san will do all that just to make Hiori lose against Charles.

Further, Charles is the main gamemaker of PxG, if Hiori were to get a hold of him, it indirectly means that he got a hold of PxG. We have already seen (in Chapter 256) that Hiori was able to see through Charles, so the Cyan haired boy can win against the Imp in the future too.

4. Kiyora Jin

This boy got to do something.

No, he literally has to do something at this point.

His anticipation has been built up for so long that it feels criminal if he doesn't do anything major in the match. With him as an element of surprise for us readers, he is the main one that has made the probability of BM winning, at least, for me.

Further, there is a high chance of him being a match up of Karasu and we all know how much of a smartass that crow is + his physique. Kiyora got to pull some life altering moves.

. . .

Now, to focus on PxG:

You know, when I started reading NEL, I thought it was unfair how PxG is so strong, but now that I look at them, they seem.. fair?

I mean, to be honest, after seeing BM's behaviour, I though every team was like them—hungry to score by themselves, but it seems like other teams are quite harmonious and they work as a team rather than a group of strikers.

The main group in PxG is, obviously, Rin's and Shidou's while Charles acts as the starting point of a goal or something.

However, Kunigami is doing a great job in keeping Shidou on his toes and by the looks of it, I can't think of anything other than that Demon pulling a red card to stop the Cyborg Hero.

Now, as for Rin, he got Isagi and we all know that Isagi can surely keep up with him and though Isagi has to keep up with Kaiser, Rin has to keep up with Kaiser too. Besides, it isn't Isagi's first time going against Kaiser while it's the first time for Rin to go against Kaiser. To add more gasoline to the fire, Isagi has been doing all that WHILE going head to head with the opposing team.

Among the remaining players, I can only imagine a goal from Karasu or Tokimitsu. No hate to Zantetsu or Nanase, but a goal from them.. doesn't seem much plausible. As for Charles, I don't think so that he has ever been shown to have interest in scoring a goal by himself, but if he were to turn out like Sae or Aiku, then maybe he can try for a goal too.

. . .

There are many more reasons and things I have, probably, missed out, but the above ones are the ones that I can think of currently. I understand that I didn't address the biggest elephant in the room: Julian Loki.

We don't know if the Master Coach of PxG will play or not, and even if he will, then will he try to score a goal by himself? Nevertheless, till now, I don't think so there have been any panels of him being in the field, let alone a goal by him in NEL. Still, that panel of Loki announcing him surpassing Noa makes me feel like these Master Coaches will step on the field too, but I think a 31 year old can easily win against a 17 year old.

So yeah, till now, my safe bet is on BM.

That's all, I guess.

For sure, I might be wrong in many things that I have said and most likely, I'll be wrong in everything that I said, but it's fun to make up theories!

.

.

.

Why you guys go anonymous to ask questions though? I won't eat you, I promise.

[nicomrade]

On being lost in the Labyrinth; a Souichi Kiruma and Kaoru Yukiide joint analysis.

I've been wanting to write about Souichi for a while now, but Usogui is BIG and DENSE and goes a LOT of places and Souichi (/Hachina Naoki/Hal) has unstable memory and his role in the story varies a lot (sometimes antagonist, deuteragonist, love interest, side-kick, … ) so... To properly talk about this in one coherent, whole way I had to limit my scope by A LOT so I'm going to look at Souichi through the lense of Kaoru Yukiide, the ways they mirror each other, where they differ and what it means for the broader themes of both Souichi's story and Usogui (manga) in general. And try my hardest to stay on topic.

The full piece turned out almost 7k words long so join me for a bit of a journey under the cut! I included as many images as tumblr allowed me to and it's sectioned in 6 parts including the short prologue so it's hopefully not too hard of a read. Cheers! 🐜🐝

0. Prologue

Kaoru Yukiide is a minor antagonist for the 1st part of the Labyrinth gamble (chapters 83 to 104) of Usogui. His active participation feels almost cut abruptly short but this is indicative of the kind of character he is. He’s no Sadakuni and no Vincent Lalo, he’s just Yukkii. But in those 20 chapters he’s given a full inner world and a full character arc. He is a complete character.

He was diagnosed at 12yo with Encephalitis lethargica (“sleepy sickness”) and at 15 he went into a coma. He’s the son of a police official involved in framing innocent people for crimes the wealthy committed, all for the sake of “keeping order”. His father framed his own wife in one of these schemes, and eventually took the blame for a higher-up’s crime himself. This is a duty and fate Kaoru inherited after waking up from his 10 years coma. He’s now the one who frames innocent people and he, too, will shoulder a death penalty for something he didn’t do. This catastrophic loss to Baku not only condemns his life it also made him realize how twisted his actions and his idea of order have been and it triggers another catatonic episode in him. He’s a character who’s been deeply hurt by following along with what his parents taught him was right without questioning it, and when this worldview crumbles, so does he. But his epilogue in chapter 147 is a happy one! Kaoru wakes up, and yes he now has to come to terms with all the harm he’s done and he feels like it would’ve been better if he’d stayed functionally dead, but he has people who care about him and who will help him. You are never truly alone, things can always get better, you CAN break free from your family’s Labyrinth.

I think Kaoru’s generally an easy character to find hope in- as someone who caused immense harm, but who was still a victim of his circumstances and got to have a second chance at life. In-story we have Marco who comments on the two of them being the same and a lot of what I will discuss here will apply in some measure to him too as a mentally ill character with an abusive dad. However, I find he has striking similarities with Souichi’s story specifically, and looking at the two together can help us shine a light on the complicated fate at the heart of Souichi’s character. I realize by using Kaoru as a tool to talk about someone else- a means to an end and not his own person- I’m perpetuating the very workings of his abuse. I’m sorry Yukkii :(

I. Inheritance

Souichi and Kaoru are both successors to their fathers and they were raised to follow in those footsteps. Souichi, as a Kiruma, is a member of a “sinful bloodline” and was always going to be 21st Leader of Kakerou. His dad raised him this way and put him under Eba’s guidance all so he could stand at the top of Kakerou- the ones who make sure the rules are obeyed perfectly.

[1. Vol 37 Ch. 404 Duwang translation 2. Vol. 9 Ch. 93 Easy Going Scans translation]

Kaoru was not strictly raised as a successor in this way but he inherited this vision of order from his dad, one where the ants that step out of line must be killed. Both him and Souichi are sons who took on that very heavy duty to “keep order” after their respective fathers, and they both became orphans from it. Kaoru’s mom was sacrificed by her husband, and then he sacrificed himself too, leaving Kaoru alone when he woke up at 25. Similarly, Souichi’s mom died before he was born and he will lose his father during the course of the story. He was orphaned, too.

This is not to imply that Tatsuki Kiruma (Souichi’s father) had a personality like Yukiide senior. Kaoru’s dad is characterized as borderline abusive, he is refused any real kind of redemption as we don’t even have a first name or a face to put on him during the Paper Labyrinth chapters. He is the shadow that haunts Kaoru, and he is talked about as the origin of this specific worldview. Tatsuki was an odd father but he was not responsible for his wife’s death and he, too, inherited this fate from his own parents. He is not the root cause of Souichi’s ill. Where Kaoru was lied to and manipulated into following in his father’s footsteps, Souichi became leader willingly. This is getting to the impact a heavy family history can have on someone (whether forced onto them or embraced by them) more than any one individual father’s harm.

The impact of that family history is shown in Kaoru with his sleepy sickness that makes him literally absent from his own life at times. It is a way for him to escape from the real world and the responsibilities and ideals pushed on him. I think it’s very meaningful that his big episode was triggered at 15, that’s right into his first year of highschool, soon an adult. And this mental harm is also seen in Souichi and his chronic memory loss. His own timeline is more vague than Kaoru’s but I think it’s fair to estimate Souichi was around 15 during the 1998 flashbacks, which is when he has a significant memory loss episode and also when he receives doctor feedback on this illness. It is first said to be without cause but later confirmed this is a way for him to remain “perfect” at all times, by throwing out the memory of his flaws and resetting himself back to a clean slate. This is how he is coping with this responsibility of being (or becoming) leader of Kakerou. In Kaoru, this weight puts him in a coma and creates a 10 years gap in his memory, for Souichi it will lead to him forgetting a length of 10 years after the Tower of Karma arc. Sounds familiar?

[vol42 Ch 454 Duwang translation]

What they’ve inherited from their fathers is not just this responsibility towards order, it is also more literally a spot where they have to resort to playing rigged games. Kaoru’s routine with the Paper Labyrinth game is revealed in the manga to be nothing more than a well-practiced script. We see a similar resort in Souichi for the Flying Vehicles bet where he simply has Baku’s (Kakerou appointed) men betray him. This way of approaching games goes against how the Usogui manga portrays gamblers. As shown in Drop the Handkerchief when Souichi admits re-using these sort of means for this game would not give him a “perfect victory” and when Baku congratulates him on “gambling” for the first time, a gambler in Usogui is not just someone who participates in gambles. They are a kind of person who is able to cling to a low chance of victory and keep to their unlikely plan the whole way through all because they aspire to something better than they already have. They are moving forward with no certainty of what will come of it because the reward is worth the risk to them. We see it in Kaji’s character arc, first someone who is the perfect prey to various scammers but who is then able to keep to his convictions and win the Contradictions game without killing his opponent.

Souichi and Kaoru are much closer to the Kaji in that 7-Stud Poker gamble (who is totally out of his depth the second things don’t go as he thinks they should, who loses large sums of money without truly registering it’s happening) than to him in his face-off against Floyd Lee. Think of Souichi accepting and then losing the bet with Baku on the Missile Launch for a grandiose sum, or how he hides behind Yakou in the tunnel. Kaoru is a volatile character during his games, incapable of thinking on his feet (he freezes completely when Kaji interrupts him), think of his outbursts against Kaji or Kadokura that he frames as righteous. The two of them are only performing for the sake of rules and order. They aren’t gamblers because they don’t have that thirst for something better, their drives are completely extinct. They have accepted their situation despite the harm it’s causing, all for the “greater good”.

[Vol48 ch523 Duwang translation]

Their common obsession with puzzles (Kaoru’s Labyrinths and Souichi’s Rubik’s Cubes) is part of this drive for rules and keeping order. Chapter 101 gives us this narration: "Upon first glance, the bewilderment and fear of not knowing what lies ahead reminds one of disorder. But, in ancient times, people created and solved these [mazes and puzzles] to acquire the feelings of relief and order." This text is illustrated by a jigsaw puzzle, a sliding block puzzle, Picross, Tetris and, on the next panel, a Labyrinth as Kaoru knows them. This explains the symbolism behind the Labyrinth Gamble for the Police Department (“The Labyrinth [...] doesn't just solve unsolved cases, they are being solved at the hands of the police.") but also for Kaoru himself. This is a way to fulfill his own need for order, and this idea applies to Souichi too. The Rubik’s Cubes give him relief throughout the story with too many appearances to list comprehensively. We see it as a memory exercise (post-memory loss in the Hangman tunnel, chapter 64), as a motif on a childhood T-Shirt (chapter 412), it simply helps him think (he’s seen playing with one at Gakuhito’s, chapter 273), and the imaginary cubes in Drop the Handkerchief. This culminates in the Rubik’s Cube becoming a symbol of Souichi himself as made explicit in chapter 521. By seeing himself reflected in the cube he is made to be the object of his own obsession. Solving the Cube then becomes his urge to “solve himself”. It is dehumanizing and belittling of his own (very real!) mental problems to view himself as a puzzle that exists for the only purpose of being solved- and that CAN be solved at all. What’s the “true ending” of the human mind? This is not something that has any answer or exit. We know that by the end of 2008, Souichi has resetted his memory 138 times. Souichi and Kaoru are trapping themselves in their own Labyrinths here.

[1. vol10 Ch101 Easy Going Scans Translation 2. vol48 ch521 Duwang translation]

In a way, Kaoru IS the Minotaur: a son who was locked away to his Labyrinth where he is fed innocent victims regularly, both victim and executioner, all because of his father’s sins. Along with Souichi, they are two kids who were groomed into taking their father’s place and have shouldered the weight that came with it from a very young age, and this weight has formed cracks in their minds. This is their way of coping with their fate: they stop being fully present in their own lives, they stop wishing for more, and they blame themselves.

II. Worker Ant and Prince Bee

It’s made clear during Kaoru’s breakdown that ultimately, he too, was an ant. In that final moment before losing consciousness he remembers how, as a child, he did not crush the ant that had strayed out of line. He’d tried to guide it back with its peers, but it did not follow and was accidentally killed. I think both Kaoru and Souichi are acting a version of this story on themselves, both as the child and as the ant. They are forcing themselves to stay in line, hurting and killing themselves slowly for “the greater good”.

[both vol10 ch102, easy going scans translation]

Souichi is likened to an insect as well within the story, he’s Hachina (“蜂名”, 蜂 “hachi” meaning bee), the Prince Bee, the Lost Bee, etc. From that shared bug symbolism we have to remember Souichi’s super-organism speech- a kind of organism that necessitates the loss of individuality for the well-being of the hive. Tatsuki brings this concept up to say the Private Funeral Division and the police as a whole are in such an organism, which would include Kaoru too. Even only going by the definition it’s easy to interpret him as in such a place, “just a cog in a machine”, and the same can be said of Souichi. They are both included in the ones losing their individuality to keep the system alive: “Even the Queen will draw her blood or sacrifice her life for the system.”. This self-sacrifice is something Souichi takes pride in: “[He] isn’t even worth an insect”. He rationalizes his own resolve to harm himself (“being prepared to bleed”) as something he is doing right.

[both Vol 24 ch 257 Duwang translation]

This loss of individuality is seen in how Souichi’s identity has been fragmented. He is “Souichi Kiruma” when he is acting as Leader and “Naoki Hachina” for public-facing matters- disregard that the two often overlap as seen in chapter 68. He was taught not to "build too deep a relationship with anyone" (chapter 273), and his memory loss routinely erases the memory of his bonds anyway. He allows his personal history to be rewritten for the sake of Kakerou (accepting that he did not face Baku Madarame but Kaoru Yukiide on April 9th 2001) and lastly he positions himself as non-human in his introductory scene with the Alien Invasion speech. This speech will come back a 2nd time during Air Poker when he gains full control of his memory, it is iconic of Souichi’s character and it is worth looking more deeply into.

[Vol6 Ch55 Duwang translation]

The image evoked here is that of an alien leader, “we” means the alien society as a whole- in this case it’d be Kakerou. Just like in the super-organism speech, he views himself as only one element in something much bigger than himself. This really puts the dehumanization into perspective. He’s a bee, he’s a super-organism, he’s an alien. He’s just barely a name, and not even a face. It takes the manga until the very end of chapter 68- the conclusion of the Hangman gamble- to show us Souichi’s face properly. It is completely obscured during the Alien Invasion scene and the referees do not call him by name. He’s just a faceless leader. He’s so little of a person already, and digging into the alien analogy only furthers this idea.

Alien Invasions as a trope also come with the “take me to your leader” shtick, that IS reflected in the story if we look at who Souichi has directly interacted with in the manga. He’s first introduced outside of flashbacks when he personally comes to the Hangman gamble to see Sadakuni, the leader of a terrorist organization. He gambles with Commissioner Sasaoka during the Tower of Karma arc. He invites Vincent Lalo, leader of Ideal, to meet him. He seeks out and shadows Nobuko during Protoporos, who will be crowned King and is shown as the strongest player on the island. Only then does he seek out a meeting with Baku, after he’s won the Ban and has earned that right. The point is, he only really interacts as a Leader and with other Leaders- it’s from one super-organism to another. He only deals with other people as parts of their own collective, this is the same world view as Kaoru’s with his ants that cannot exist outside of the collective. They both dehumanize others and themselves and this is something they’ve inherited from their fathers (the super-organism speech being started by Tatsuki Kiruma).

The dehumanization inherent to their places is also seen in the shadowy figures that haunt Kaoru and Souichi. Kaoru’s represents the memory of his dad, it tells him what to do and what to think, he looks to it for reassurance. Souichi’s takes the shape of a stretched version of himself that act upon him (as an alien does the human it kidnapped, and like Kaoru does to his ants.) These are two strikingly similar manifestations of the inner workings of their suffering minds. More than that, Souichi and Kaoru’s goal, here, is to fully BECOME that shadowy figure that haunts their psyche. That faceless, nameless existence is representative of what’s already succumbed to the super-organism. It’s something that takes over Kaoru when he gives in to the idea that anything can be justified for the sake of order and it’s the part of Souichi that dictates the memory resets. Their shadow is the part of them that’s “prepared to bleed”. It is the ideal ant. Let it be noted, then, that Kaoru becoming one with his is drawn in the same way as Souichi is when we first see him.

[the shadowy figures. Vol10 Ch98 Easy Going Scans Translation + Vol42 Ch454 Duwang Translation]

[Vol 10 ch98 Easy Going Scans translation + Vol 2 Ch 14 Duwang translation]

This is where the comparison takes its full meaning. It is obvious from Kaoru’s story that he is a victim of his situation; that he was manipulated into taking his father’s place by someone he trusted during his most vulnerable moment. He had just lost all that remained of his family, of course he’ll chase after the only thing he has left of it (his father’s spot in the Labyrinth game). Telling him not to is only making him believe that he had more agency in this decision than he really had. Can we say the same for Souichi?

Compared to Kaoru’s worker ant, Souichi holds much more power and freedom. This is reflected in his family situation being healthier and in him willingly stepping to the Leader role instead of being manipulated into it, as discussed previously. It then begs the question, since Souichi realizes that this is harmful to him, that his very humanity is being taken apart, why doesn’t he leave? Being Leader of Kakerou is not a lifelong duty, his dad retired and became referee almost 10 years before he died. Even without an heir to succeed him, couldn’t Souichi find a way? Is the system really worth all this harm?

III. November 23rd 1998

In 1998 Souichi has a memory loss episode and wonders around, following the instructions Eba gave him to find his way back. During this period he meets Baku Madarame and as per the Prince Bee narration they filled the hole in each others hearts.

[Vol30 Ch323 Duwang Translation]

Baku also gave him a new name- Hal- and generally showed him another way of living. One that is much more chaotic, dangerous, but also much more free. This is his alternative to Kakerou and being assimilated into the super-organism. After some time he gets his hands on the clue that will allow him to meet up with Eba, but before that there is a gamble he decides to take. That is the Russian Roulette Poker game against Fukurou on November 23rd. Souichi- Hal- usurped Baku’s place and decided to take the gamble himself. Despite the common in-story interpretation, this was not a sacrifice he made for Baku (see chapter 455). It is something he did for himself.

The reason he takes that gamble is because he’s a man of rules. He wants to stay by Baku’s side but he can’t just abandon his duty at Kakerou like this, and most importantly, he doesn’t want to make the choice himself. To decide for himself has consequences, it’d mean he, on purpose, betrayed his bloodline. It’d mean he broke the unwritten rule that it is his duty, as a Kiruma, to lead Kakerou. So instead, he turns to leaving his fate to a gamble. If he wins, it would be his sign to forsake his Souichi Kiruma life and stay by Baku’s side, but if he loses Hal would die.

There is a suicidal drive in this. We know Souichi did survive his loss and that the gamble took place in the building owned by Eba; there were preparations in place to facilitate his survival. Despite this, it is my reading that he was truly, fully, prepared to lose his life if he couldn’t keep being Hal- if he had to go back to being Souichi. Regardless of his intent at the time (if he did bet on his survival or not) there is weight to that symbol. Hal- Souichi- put a gun to his head because he yearned for something else, and in chapter 321 as Souichi in 2001 explains that he’ll kill himself if Baku wins Surpassing the Leader, we are then shown a scene from November 23rd of a black-suited man laying on the floor, presumably dead. This was suicide, if not on a literal level, on a symbolic one. It really did “kill Hal”- the only part of him that didn’t belong to Kakerou.

[Vol 30 ch321 Duwang translation. Notice the date on the clock.]

This leaving of things to fate brings us back to the Alien Invasion speech again, but in a flipped perspective of it. Another big part of alien stories is the alien abduction. Its appeal as a trope is the fantasy of being forcefully taken away and changed forever. Now, Souichi would no longer be the alien but the human the aliens act on. It’s an inversion of our original reading of it and it does position Hal in the picture instead. In a way, he has already been “taken away and changed forever” in 1998. His thread to return home was intercepted by Baku (the Prince Bee picture book) and he had to follow him into this new lifestyle. He feels like he “will never be able to become [himself] again” (chapter 321). But the aliens always bring the person back home in the end, and they have to carry on with that memory (and alien abduction stories also come with their share of memory loss, another one of Souichi’s motifs). What I really want to get to here is this duality of the invasion speech. On one hand, Souichi is the Aliens and a part of something greater, and on the other, Hal is the individual being taken away.

[Vol30 Ch321 Duwang translation.]

Souichi will try to escape his fate of being the alien again. During the Lost Bee arc, he has another major memory loss incident and he flees so he can meet with Eba secretly (having forgotten that Eba is now dead). During that escape he meets Baku again and from there the Protoporos arc starts, an arc where Souichi willingly takes on the name of Hal again. He will cling to this identity, seeking out his missing memories (chapter 449 for one exemple), looking for that place outside of Kakerou’s reach once more. Just for a little while, he is indulging in this special permission he is given to be Hal until the Ban ends. Then, the game is over and he has to be Souichi Kiruma again. Hal goes back to the dead, reburied, it’s over, it’s gone.

[vol43 ch469 Duwang translation]

This is also relevant to the end of Air Poker. During the game, he realizes that his systemic erasure of memories under stress will make him lose, that this aim to be perfect has rotted his brain, and that it’s nothing but a pipe dream (chapter 455). He finally accepts the fact that every person is flawed- only to then turn around and decide that therefor he has to try even harder to be perfect. He views his newfound control over his memory, of what he forgets and what he keeps, as proof of his extraordinary being. He thinks that even though no human can, HE can get close to perfection. It’s Icarus building himself a 2nd pair of wax-wings and giving the sun another try. The mythological comparison applies a bit further than that too. Icarus is the son of the architect of the Labyrinth. His father warned him not to fly too low or too high, which is to say not to want too little or too much. Tatsuki taught Souichi that “to be able to enjoy a delicious meal, to feel pain when you see blood, or wanting to avoid being hurt and hurting others" that is the default state of being he should seek. Instead, Souichi embraced his hubris, as discussed this role where he is “prepared to bleed” is something he takes pride in. He is no longer flying to escape the Labyrinth he was put in but to reach the sun itself despite having already fallen into the sea once before. It’s a fool’s errand.

[1. vol42 ch455 Duwang translation and 2.vol46 ch496 Duwang translation]

This contradiction arises from the fact that he did try being human and flawed before! He is not naively refusing to change. He already tried being Hal and he died for it! He died. He has no other option: “A dead person cannot be revived." (chapter 496). There is no alternative for Souichi, yes he is the Prince Bee, yes he is the ruler of the mind-breaking machine, son of the Architect, but he cannot escape his bloodline on his own. No matter his place in the system he cannot win against it. He is powerless to change things for the better as long as he is navigating within its rules.

IV. The Place That You Belong

There is a recurring idea in Usogui (manga) of the place that people belong to. It’s presented as something everyone has, and that as long as they’re there everything will turn out right for them. It’s “the stage that you shine on” (chapter 539), etc. Souichi explains this idea himself in the epilogue. Are you where you’re meant to be? Are you betraying yourself by refusing to stand in the right place?

[vol49 ch539 Duwang translation]

This concept is relevant to every character in Usogui but it’s best illustrated by Baku and Kyara. In Kyara’s fight against Jonglyo it is his bond with Baku that makes him win, the place that he belongs is by Baku’s side (chapter 384). This is why he lost against Marco during the Hangman arc, and never lost again. Baku’s only ever lost the Flying Vehicles bet, which he lost on purpose: he is already at the place that he belongs. This why they are the two characters who “keep on winning” no matter what, because they are following their “correct path”. It is why you want to be where you belong and why you belong there in the first place, because as long as you keep to it you will keep on “winning”.

For Kaoru I think it’s obvious the Labyrinth gamble is NOT where he belongs. As mentioned, he’s gambling while not being a gambler himself and he’s completely out of his depth when things are out of his script. He’s not even fulfilling his wish to “keep order”- he’s never solved a single labyrinth, he’s never saved a single person.

After his failure against Fukurou, Souichi resigns himself to accepting Kakerou as the place he belongs. But is that really true? As discussed, you know you’re on the right path because you keep on winning. In Hangman he had this to say: "A life in which I continue to win forever... I guess that's just my destiny?" (chapter 56) but it’s demonstrably not true! Souichi does lose! He lost his bet for the book in 1998, he lost against Fukurou, he didn’t manage to take over Tipa, and he lost Drop the Handkerchief. If it was his place to be Leader of Kakerou at that time he wouldn't have lost Surpassing the Leader. He isn’t Baku or Kyara. He is not where he belongs.

So if it’s not by Baku’s side and it’s not at the head of Kakerou either, where does Souichi belong, then? There are times that Souichi miraculously “wins”. We see it in Air Poker where he overcomes his memory loss and regains ALL discarded memories, and we see it when he wakes up in the hospital during the epilogue. These miraculous recoveries, I think, are indicative that he was doing something right at those times. The common thread between the two is that Souichi (or Hal) was acting in Baku’s interest without totally disowning his ties with Kakerou. He invites Fukurou to become a referee at the end of Air Poker and he steps up to being Leader again during the epilogue, but in the 1998 flashbacks he was hiding his bloodline and denied knowing what Kakerou was. This blatant lie is the narrative reason that made him lose against Fukurou, and his rejection of ever having been changed by Baku is what made Kakerou wrong for him afterwards. He does not belong anywhere until he stops living these lies. He cannot abandon Kakerou OR Baku, he needs both.

This is the reason Souichi and Kaoru became prey to the Lie-Eater. They were living their respective lies, and so Usogui came and ate them up. “It all began with a small lie” (chapter 535).

[vol6 ch 64 Duwang translation]

Kaoru should’ve died from this defeat after he was made to shoulder Baku’s loss at Surpassing the Leader, but he was saved in extremis by his own mental illness. He fell unconscious and this was judged as “collection on his life” enough for Kadokura so he was spared. He got to wake up in a hospital post-canon, free of this place he did not belong to, and still living. This is also the pattern Souichi follows. It is his mental illness that makes him lose Drop the Handkerchief, his memory loss episode that made him forget about the leap second and that Baku exploited. This defeat at Surpassing the Leader means he is now free of his duty to be Leader, and it allows him to later wake up in the hospital like Kaoru did. He can now be his own person, without any lies, without killing his mind to stay perfect- the very thing he’d tried to do on his own and failed. In a way, wasn’t he saved by his illness, too? And isn’t it their respective flaws that let them become their own person again, that re-humanized them?

In a lesser way this is also reflected in the Referee who presides over the Labyrinth gambles, Yuudai Kadokura. He’s characterized as a man of restraint during the arc. He, too, is obsessed with carrying out his job perfectly and tries his best to contain his emotions. “Please excuse me... Momentarily, I, Kadokura Yuudai, have unintentionally made a face that was a little indiscreet." (chapter 91) and this self-restraint will be lifted after he suffers (and recovers from) brain damage. It’s their mental ill that saved Souichi and Kaoru and that lifted Kadokura’s chains.

Usogui (manga) as a whole has more to say about this idea that it is our flaws that make us human. We see it in the Hangman gamble, when Sadakuni is hanged. He first claims he’s not afraid of death but in his final moments he thrashes and struggles and admits he doesn’t want to die here. Baku comments: “I won't let you die as a monster. You should at least die as a human.” (chapter 66). This explicitly conflates someone’s humanity with this display of desperation. It asks the question, can you accept your own death gracefully and remain human? What is being human but to fight tooth and nails for more out of life? Isn’t being alive inherently grotesque? This is also reflected in the ending of Air Poker in Vincent Lalo’s final, ugly, moment, just to name one other example. We are back to Tatsuki’s definition of what being “normal” is like, and it is this human fear of death and blood that makes the gamble against Commissioner Sasaoka work. Generally, it is the thirst for things that you don’t have and the willingness to fight for them no matter how unsightly you get that makes us truly alive- like a gambler is. This is reflected in the Protoporos arc when Champ chooses to stay on the island because he feels alive for the first time after having gambled with Baku as well as in Kaji’s character arc more broadly.

[Vol7 ch66 Duwang translation + vol38 ch 412 Duwang translation]

For all that Souichi tried to erase his failures and reach perfection he was only making himself less and less human. It’s only when he let his true desires show in Drop the Handkerchief and that he truly fought to “one up” Baku that he started to approach something that rings true. To be human is to be flawed and to accept and remember this, and grow stronger from having tasted defeat. And it is this defeat, that honest and bitter defeat, of Souichi at Drop the Handkerchief that leads to the realization of the Prince Bee story’s happy ending- the Prince Bee Duo rising up.

On a surface level, if Baku had lost again there was no way for him NOT to die this time with how weak we know his body to be (see, the Labyrinth Minotaur game and the Dotty game). But more than that, Souichi had to lose and stop being Leader so he could be himself, so he could stop lying about who he is. He cannot change his bloodline, he cannot stop being a Kiruma, but he cannot stop yearning for something more either. He’s a flawed, weird little guy and he will always be changed from Baku’s presence in his life. This defeat returns his humanity to him and it allows him to reconcile the contradictory positions he was in. He can then embrace that he IS Baku’s ally, and he IS Kakerou, too, and come back as his full self and no longer forced to keep people at arm’s length. That is the true place he belongs, both Leader of Kakerou and Baku’s friend.

[all three are vol49 ch 539, Duwang translation]

Both Souichi and Kaoru had to bear the weight of their fathers’ inheritance so much so that they hurt themselves and lost their very humanity, all to stay somewhere they shouldn’t be. It is their flaws that free them, but it is also the people around them who saved them. It’s Baku speaking up that Kaoru is “pretty much already dead”, it is the summon for Hal to wake up because “if it’s you, it will be alright.”. They woke up knowing people cared for them and sincerely wished for their recoveries. They were accepted fully for who they are, sinful bloodline and flaws and all, and with their curse lifted they can now return that care, too.

→ You are never truly alone, things can always get better, you CAN break free from your family’s Labyrinth. If it is forcing you to harm yourself and is keeping you isolated, then it is not the place that you belong.

[vol 14 ch147 Duwang translation + vol49 ch538 Duwang translation]

V. Conclusion

We see this loose pattern ripple in other characters. Kaji and Marco are grappling with what they’ve inherited from their parents too (namely, abuse) and it is through Baku’s support and help that they could set their minds free from this influence. As symbolic of the turning point where they can truly start to heal is their stay in a hospital (Marco post-Labyrinth gamble, Kaji on bed rest during Protoporos). To truly break free comes with being hurt deeply before becoming anew. It will be different but it will be okay.

The motif of dysfunctional or fragmented families generally runs rampant, most characters with known backstories have some sort of family troubles from our main characters to one-off antagonists (Marco and Kaji as mentioned but also Kyara, Satoru Suteguma, the Yakou twins, Voja, Jonglyo, Mitaka, and so on). Usogui (manga) features a lot of parents who suck absolute ass, yes, but it also more generally touches on the way parents shape their children even in healthier families- think Ranko taking over her dad’s mafia, the sons who’ve never faced consequences because their fathers are powerful, etc.

In light of this, the fact that our protagonist is someone who is seemingly completely devoid of family starts to stand out. We do not get to know anything about Baku’s parents, his childhood, how he was raised, etc, anything from before he was already a well-established gambler within Kakerou. This is very significant in a main protagonist, who we’d usually know a lot more about. It separates him from the weight of inheritance, only he is free of those bonds that tie someone to their family (or lack of it)- for better or for worse.

This feeds into the repeated use in the story of Surpassing the Leader as a way to lose your “bonds”. It’s stated Baku lost that 1st STL bet to get rid of this past that tied him to Hal, when Souichi loses Drop the Handkerchief he escapes his bloodline, and it’s the thing that’s pinned on Yukkii and frees him of his Labyrinth. This is the big “reset” button featured in the story but its point is not to go on with life devoid of relationships and ties to other people. No, Baku does rebuild his bond with Hal, Souichi comes back to Kakerou a healthier man, and the last scene Kaoru sees before falling unconscious is himself as a child holding both his parents’ hands. Loss is always painful but it often cannot be avoided (may it be to break free of an abusive family or a toxic job, or because a loved one dies, etc) and bonds are what shape us. The two ideas coexist. You cannot go on without any attachment to anyone. This is seen in the “planting seeds” imagery of chapter 320, all lives are interwoven and ripple against each other to grow and become something else.

Bonds are also the strength and support you gain from other people, it is how Kyara wins against Jonglyo, and it is Souichi’s parting words in Handkerchief: “It is you who made us stronger.” (chapter 530). Who can ever hope to leave the Labyrinth without Ariadne’s gift of yarn to guide them out? It is the two Bees’ friendship that’s at the core of the picture book, and it is also those relationships between people (good or bad), and love, that’s at the core of Usogui, too. To be loved and to love someone is to be changed.

[Vol 35, ch384, Duwang translation]

[bettsfic]

2023 WIP cleanout

a couple years ago i did a major WIP cleanout and it was very satisfying, and i've been bummed out lately so i'm doing it again to cheer myself up.

i have about 200k worth of unposted/unfinished fic, and i'd like to make a decent dent in that. when i listed out my WIPs i was surprised to find that most of them i'd written past the 50% mark and for whatever reason, the fic went an unanticipated direction. instead of fixing it, i moved on. the problem is that usually the unanticipated direction is something cool and that i want to pursue, but would make the fic longer and more complicated than i want it to be, and more work than i want to put into it. once i get enough distance from a fic, it's a lot easier to see how to get it back on track.

there are many things i set down and never think about again, but if it sticks in my head for longer than a couple months, then i know i need to come back to it eventually.

so this is my accountability thread! and i'm going to lay out the steps i took to triage these fics and get them posted, in case it helps anyone struggling with the same problem.

here are the things on my WIP cleanout list:

(Organic Chemistry isn't on this list because i'm actively working on it, albeit slowly)

Wind of the New World

Annie/Finnick, The Hunger Games (ASE epilogue)

started August 2020

this one is what inspired the cleanout, and as of yesterday it is DONE and POSTED. for the longest time it sat at about 7k when i knew it would be 10k, and i couldn't make myself write the last 3k because somehow it turned into a threesome fic with Gale and it took me a loooong time to let go of that idea. also, it required a lot of canon knowledge, which faded the longer i kept it on the backburner.

to finish it, i:

killed a few darlings (Finnick's crush on Gale)

down drafted the scenes i hadn't yet written

reread ASE while taking notes

rewatched Mockingjay 2 while taking notes

transcribed several scenes of Mockingjay 2

made a punch list of things i wanted to fix/rearrange/expand on

up drafted, dental drafted, and posted

completing it took about 15 hours across 3 days.

Stray

Lumine/Razor, Genshin Impact

started April 2021

this is an alternate beginning to genshin where the traveler finds Razor instead of Paimon. it stalled out at 5k because i wanted it to be rated M and i also wanted the characters to get all the way to Liyue, but both of those things were far more work than i wanted to put into it. so now it'll be rated G and end when they reach Mondstadt. i don't anticipate it will be more than 7k.

Before the Suns Rise

Anakin/Padme/Obi-Wan, Star Wars

started June 2022

this one is nearly 45k and about 95% done. i set it down because 1) i got to the threesome part and writing threesomes is hard, 2) i hadn't watched the Clone Wars or Rebels yet and so i was self-conscious about my knowledge of canon, and 3) i got distracted by Lemon.

another thing that a lot of these WIPs have in common is that they're very closely tied to canon and therefore have Plot and even though i can do Plot, i find it exhausting and a little tedious.

this is a post-Vader, alt-OWK timeline fic. in the 20+ star wars fics i've written, only 5 of them are in any way related to canon, and they're all one-shots. so this one is going to be hard.

i anticipate it'll only take 5k to finish, for a total of 50k and 14 chapters.

Patronage

Seungho/Nakyum, Painter of the Night

started October 2021

this is my Patreon AU that's over 10k already. in it, Seungho is married to Jihwa (and cheating on him with Nakyum) and i wanted to write the whole thing through to their divorce (and Seungho Getting A Real Job), but that is just. a lot. so i'm going to write only to Seungho finally giving in to his feelings for Nakyum, with the knowledge that after season 4 is finished, i may want to continue it as a series and write the latter half as i'd intended.

i'll probably only add 1-2k, for a total of 12k.

In Water Falling

Ahsoka/Rex, Star Wars

started November 2022

this was the first rexsoka fic i started working on when i finished Clone Wars. i got about 10k in, scrapped it, wrote another 15k, scrapped it, and then started focusing on Organic Chemistry. also, i just got very frustrated with it. to fix this one, i think i need to lower my expectations of it, rearrange some plot points, and write the final 2-3 scenes.

maybe 3-4k more? hopefully it'll cap out under 20k.

There & Here

Chishiya/OFC, Alice in Borderland

started February 2023

in my defense, i set this one down, like. a week ago. there's nothing i'm stalled out on; i just have to finish it.

currently 25k, hopefully only 5k more, capping out under 30k. it's 4 chapters.

things i intend to finish later:

Good Bones - this is my Emergency Fic that i'm saving for when i'm too blocked to write anything else

Bomb Time - this is a BOSAS fix-it. i definitely want to finish it, but i'm going to wait until the film comes out in November, so i don't have to reread the book to remember what's going on

[romaine2424]

Drarry Fic Recs!

I've written very little the past week because I've been on a reading rampage. Stating up front, I'm a speed reader. Oh my! I usually read something everyday but set it aside at night when I do most of my writing. These stories, though, just took me in and I couldn't stop. They run the spectrum from a Regency A/B/O WIP to a 580K Dystopian Voldemort wins with a Draco and Harry you will never ever forget. These fics are all on AO3. So let's get started...

Let's start Light: Seeking: pet carer for Bartholomew (four-year old rescue greyhound, no special needs) by @gallifrey1sburning (14.5K, 2020). The fic is non-magical AU and features overworked, recently dumped, lawyer!Draco. He and his previous partner had adopted a rescue greyhound (Bartholomew). The poor beast needs care during the day, walking and such. Enter dog-walker extraordinaire Harry. It's lovely and it reads true to their characters. Pansy plays a very Slytherin role in putting these two together. It's not too fluffy but is definitely sweet in just the right amount.

Follow the Water by @xanthippe74 (38K, 2020). The atmosphere the author created for this fic is so gorgeous. You can picture and almost feel the breeze of a spring day. The heat of summer relieved by brooks, forests, and rivers. It starts on a Spring day with Harry taking a long walk from the Burrow because he doesn't feel like going home. He has a boring job and leads a boring life. He comes upon Luna's house, now rebuilt into a one story stone home. He finds Draco, Pansy, and Greg visiting Luna. Soon he is coming every Saturday to work in the garden, cook, and other things as they put together an outdoor camp. The whole fic takes place on these weekend adventures and mostly outside in the fresh air as the group bonds. While this is a light fic, it is not fluffy. They are children recapturing a youth most never got to experience. So come enjoy Pansy reading romance novels, Draco singing, a promise of flying kites, spending the night in tents, and taking long hikes. Oh, and finding Love.

Strawberry Fields (bitter bites) by @eddietoz (54K, WIP 15/18) And now we come to the Regency A/B/O. I mean really, do I need to say more than Omega!Draco who was caught with the gardener in Malfoy Manor being sent away to live with his aunt and cousin in Godric's Hollow, where he quickly insults the most eligible Alpha, one young Harry Potter who is joining the Navy. Captain Harry returns five years later and the fun ensues. Well not for Harry who has had his heart broken by his childhood sweetheart. Draco, still trying to redeem himself after the incident in Wiltshire and insulting Harry, meets with Captain Potter and they devise a plan for Harry to win back his love and Draco be redeemed. This may or may not backfire. You can feel the A/B/O heat in this fic, but given the era, everything is repressed and societal norms of courting must be followed. *fans myself* The author is still updating. The 14th chapter went up a little over a week ago (update...chapter 15 just went up). I haven't found many Drarry A/B/O fics of my liking (besides Embers by @shiftylinguini), but this one is like a Jane Austen/HarryPotter/ A/B/O crossover. Delish!!!!!

Where all the Veins Meet by @saxamophone (146K, 2023) How good is this fic? It's so good I read it despite it being the usual type I normally wouldn't. I'm not a fan of depressed, 'woe is me' Harry after the war. Not that he wouldn't have problems...most definitely. I just usually stay away from depressed!Harry for my own sake. However, the author won me over on this one. It takes place right after the war and through the summer of 1998. Harry's friends are trying to support him by showing up at Grimmauld Place to be with him. They love him. But, Harry, is so confused on what is him, who he is now that Voldemort is not only physically gone but also gone from his head. He becomes...shall I say...dickish. But still they love him. He meets up with Draco by accident in a museum, and this continues. They become almost friends. Draco (on parole having to take Muggle studies) is living with his Slytherin compatriots and they aren't doing so well either. Especially Pansy. Meetings continue, trust builds, friends aren't happy (some furious) when they find out. But in all this confusion, a light appears at the end of this tunnel. Beautifully told, heartbreaking, but resiliency and forgiveness is found.

And now for the beast of a fic I mentioned up top. I'm giving two links as the Completed original is in Spanish and was just completed a few weeks ago). The second is the translation that is not yet completed and I believe will take quite a while to do so. Desolación by SimpleNefelibata (2023). Desolation translated by JhonnyBotello01. (24/67 ~200K). Here is the summary: Harry Potter was dead. The war was over. The whole (UK) Wizarding World was finally under Voldemort's regime. And Draco Malfoy was part of the most inner circle to the Dark Lord. Eight years after the Battle of Hogwarts, and with the sudden apparition of Hannah Abbott at the Manor door, Draco is faced with desmanteling all the hard truths he's learned to live with. The fic comes down to one point, Nagini disappeared before being killed by Neville and one Narcissa Malfoy has been in Azkaban for 8 years for treason (lying to Voldemort about Harry being dead). And Draco has spent 8 years moving up the ranks so he could get her released.

I'll say up front, do not come near this fic if you cannot read torture. The author gives this warning: This story takes place in a dark world. It will touch themes like slavery, torture, violence, sexual abuse, and death in VERY grusome ways, as far as detailing them graphically and explicitly from the start, with the idea to not romanticize these themes. Take this seriously.

There is a Resistance, there is an Order and there is a BAMF Harry Potter who is now a seasoned warrior. He's surrounded by the most faithful including one Minerva McGonagall and, of course, Ron and Hermione. The Weasleys, Luna, Theo,and Kingsley all play starring roles, too. On Voldemort's side, Greyback, Theo, and an OC are front and center.

When we meet up with Draco Malfoy, he is a member of Voldemort's highest inner circle the Nobilium. Draco, called by the name Astaroth, is feared by all as he is the potion and spell maker of the Darkest kind. He discovers his mother has died at Azkaban and she is his world. The only person he truly loves and cares for. He breaks. He knows the master he's been serving was responsible but his father has been blamed and is in Azkaban, too. Narcissa saw something at the end of the Battle, but couldn't be broken to tell what it was. What she knew would be the turning point for both sides. Draco meets with the Order and despite almost everyone telling Harry not to do it, Harry brings him into the fold...well kind of...

The worldbuilding for this dystopian fic is amazing. The storytelling so very very original. The characterizations of Harry and Draco, masterful. And almost every chapter will have you on the edge of your seat. There is no let up.

I will say, there is one subplot towards the end, I detested and couldn't buy into it. But when you write a 580K fic, you cannot please everyone. I stand by that this fic is masterful despite this issue.

Now, how did I, who doesn't read or write Spanish finish this fic? I read the translation version, which is terrific and then switched over to the original story and read it on my Iphone. You're given a choice there to read it in English. Okay, its a google translation which massacres each and every pronoun and translates Draco calling Lucius PaPa into Potato. LMAO. But I was so hooked, I had to know what happened. If you have patience, I advise subscribing to the translated version. If you can read Spanish, I'm highly jealous of you!

Hope you find something you enjoy reading here. And remember to comment with love on what you read.

I seriously have to get back to my writing now.

[the-whispers-of-death]

happy ending for serial killer!stone at last. yay :)

just ignore the extreme isolation of returning back to life they both feel. idk lets put this smack dab in the middle and say that it took magic user!reader 15 years to bring them back.

imagine asking their lovers about literally anything. "oh i cant find [x] in stores :(" only to find out that oh. it got discontinued. probably 90% of the things they knew are gone now, or changed fundamentally

you know that one news article thing that was like "prisoner sentenced to s lifetime, dies and is brought back to life. argues a lifetime is over and he should be free" thats what i imagine serial killer!stone being like. yeah his story did end in tragedy. but then his fuckass boyfriend went and brought him back so like. does this count as just a new chapter or a new whole story entirely, separate from the first. what.

or maybe something something necromancy being so taxing on magic user!reader's body that theyre now back at square one. just there, unresponsive, not reacting to touch. in the same state he was 15 years ago.

maybe criminal!stone's conflicted about this. yes his boyfriend and his boyfriend's boyfriend are alive again. but at the cost of his other boyfriend probably being bedbound for a few weeks at the minimum, unable to do any magic for even longer. and he cant split himself in three to take care of them all, as much as it kills him.

or. something something kali intigrating himself into the relationship. slowly learning how they all tic and what theyre like. idk how being ghosts affected this all tho. they probably could both see each-other, but seeing the living world? maybe just in small flickers with months in between? glimpses into the lives of criminal!stone and magic user!reader.

sure, reader could probably sense them, but they couldnt interract. maybe reader greeting them at times. "oh, hi kali.. stone." knowing they cant reply. and within seconds, its gone. something something being spiritually bound to magic user!reader? because of the extent they interact with both spirits?

maybe it really was just serial killer!stone's first attempt at life which must end in tragedy. but that doesnt exempt him from me smushing him into the angst blender and putting that sucker in turbo blend mode

idk i woke up like 30min ago. idk how connected any of these thoughts are

~ rusty

The angsty side of me wants to say that Serial Killer!Stone's story still ends in tragedy despite dying once already.

Kali dies again and so does Magic User!Reader. The only reason Criminal!Stone is alive is because the universe is just like "This is not how your story ends." And so now he and Serial Killer!Stone are the only ones left and Criminal!Stone turns resentful towards Serial Killer!Stone because if only he hadn't tried to become happy, then you would be alive.

[3terna15unshin3]

Then Because She Goes

Pissed again, I’ve been dying to meet you

★ Chapter 9 of 15, 4075 words

★ Matty Healy x Original Female Character

★ warnings: none

<< 8

20 February, 2019

“I feel like we should’ve kept it curly,” debated Matty as the driver skipped over a bump on the road so intensely his rear almost left his seat. “Patti’s always right and all—but whenever my hair is straight I never hear the end of it. Not from the fans, not from my mum,”

Their whole team squished into the van that was now driving them to The O2. The nervous front man looked at himself in the grainy reflection of the iPhone camera app.

“Sorry, say that second sentence again? I didn’t catch it.” Patricia, the band’s stylist, responded.

“Patti’s always right—”

“Patti’s always right.” She repeated in unison with him, emphasising her point sternly and with a mischievous smile on her face. The guys laughed at the defeat on Matty’s face and continued teasing him, taking Patti’s side.

A hand, belonging to Adam, reached to run over the sleek hair, giving it a gentle pat. “There’s nothing you can do to change it, mate. It’s too late now.” He pointed out, only adding to his insecurity. “And it’s sort of James Bond-y. Classy. I like it.”

Sighing in relief, Matty smiled and thanked him. But, part of him was still unsure. He frantically adjusted it with his fingertips and grew frustrated as it refused to cooperate. “Actually, I need one more opinion,” he said, pulling out his phone.

“Do you guys mind if I ring someone?”

“Get over the hair Matty, it’s staying like that whether you like it or not.” George complained, “Who do you need to call right this second, anyway? About your hair?”

“Este.”

“Oh. I see.” A grin took over George’s face as he wiggled his eyebrows up and down to the rest of the guys.

“And Este is?” questioned Patti.

“You met her backstage before the Pryzm show last year. Filipino, black hair. Was with a short redhead?”

She nodded in realisation, now remembering the familiar name. Matty explained that he and Este had been seeing each other, but were only friends back when Patti was introduced to her. The stories he began to tell evoked more teasing from his band mates, but he was used to it.

When it died down, Matty sent Este a text to make sure she’d answer, before giving her a ring and seeing her face show up on his screen.

“Hey!” he greeted. “Say hi to Este, everyone,” The camera panned to the rest of the band, Patty, Jamie, and their bodyguards that surrounded him. They waved and threw excited hello’s and hey’s her way.

Este’s face lit up before pulling one of her hands away from holding her phone to wave at them. “Hi, guys! Happy Brits day! I’m so excited to see you guys win,” She tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear and heard various voices thank her.

“Don’t butter us up too much, love. You’ll get our hopes up.” responded Ross, forcing Matty to turn the screen towards him to get his point across.

She laughed, shaking her head. “I’m just being honest! Also—you all look great. Very dapper.”

“You remember Patti. She deserves all the credit,” claimed Matty. He kept the camera on himself so he could keep looking at Este.

Patricia muttered a quiet “Hi, darling!” from her seat, over Matty’s shoulder. She waved, but Este couldn’t see past his face that took up most of her screen.

“You’ve outdone yourself.” Este complimented, as a brief conversation about each of the guys’ outfits began. The two girls went on for a couple minutes, both interested in fashion and indulging in each other’s presence, before Matty interjected.

“That’s actually why I wanted to ring you, I needed your opinion on the straight hair. It’s a little floppy. Just regretting it a bit, I suppose, but everyone keeps telling me it looks good. What do you think?” He whined and turned his head back and forth so Este could fully see the style.

“I’ve seen floppier.” She defended. “And if anything, the event you should be looking sleek and classy for is the fucking Brit Awards, so it’s fitting. I like it. You can pull off any hairstyle.”

“See, I knew I needed to call you, E. You’ve convinced me.”

From beside Matty, George groaned in annoyance and swiftly grasped Este from the hands she was sitting in to virtually bring her in close. “Este, I hope you know that every single person in this van has been saying that exact thing for the past ten minutes and this dickhead still would not sway. So thank you for shutting him up.” said George.

This time, the laugh singing out of her mouth was far from a chuckle and echoed from deep in her belly. “It’s my pleasure,” she said through her laughter, “And while I’m here, George, I’m going to let you know that I like your outfit more than Matty’s…” Este whispered.

“Alright, mate. Now I see why you trust this girl’s opinions!”

After more bickering between the bandmates and some final, genuine compliments from Este, Matty was forced to hang up by their increasing close proximity to the arena. His tense and stressed demeanour seemed to drop, following the much needed reassurance through his phone and his girl. Hann, observing his noticeably calmer state, decided to say out loud what everyone else in the vehicle was thinking.

“You’re whipped, d’you know that?”

“I know.”

-

Este

Today 21:17 PM

Performance in 3 mins

Gonna shit the bed

You’re going to kill it !!!!!!

the O2 will be creaming their pants

Este

Please don’t talk about cream in pants when I’m about to go on stage

My bad

the O2 will be respectfully and appropriately reacting !

A giddy feeling burst in Este’s stomach when she and Cate heard The 1975 announced as the winners for both categories they were nominated for. The two of them sat comfortably next to each other on the sofa, all four eyes glued to the screen. It was surreal to see Matty up on the stage. Her heart raced as they performed. She struggled to make sense of it all.

With thumbs typing away, a congratulatory message was sent from Este. The adrenaline pumping allowed her to ramble a bit, not really caring about punctuation or formality. A matching run-on paragraph appeared in response, from Matty, who was equally excited by the accomplishment.

By the time she and Cate shut the television off and made their way to bed, Este caught some photos of the successful night on Instagram. A couple by their manager, some by their photographer, one by Patty. When she found one of Matty that made her flutter, she reposted it to her story. In the corner, the text read ‘FIT!’, before Este reposted another picture, this time of the whole band. For a caption, she typed ‘jk @the1975 is the best and they deserve every award x’.

-

8 April, 2019

Este had never had to memorise the time difference between South America and the UK until now. When she woke up on the rainy Monday morning that was April 8th, Matty’s birthday, she had to stop herself from giving him a call right away. It’s four in the morning in Columbia, Este, he won’t pick up, she thought. Although their communication had been pretty consistent since his travelling began, Este was still quite fearful of the possibility of bothering him; so she didn’t even send a text for him to wake up to. She’d wait until she knew Matty would be awake.

They were lucky that a lot of the beginning of their friendship lived on via text—so they were good at it. Sure, the 5 hours between Este in Manchester and Matty in a new South American city every day made it inconvenient at times, but they held their ground. Neither of them held grudges about response times, both just thankful to have each other there to confide in.

Matty told Este everything. She did the same, but her day-to-day was slightly less eventful than his, so it didn’t seem as important (though he thought otherwise). Whenever he was free, whether it was a couple of hours on a plane or a few minutes between songs during soundcheck, he managed to still be there for her. Este appreciated his efforts.

She constantly updated him on what books she read and gave him unsolicited reviews of them. He was happy to hear about them, especially once she finished Slouching Towards Bethlehem and pointed out that her favourite essays of the collection happened to be his favourites as well.

It was embarrassingly nerdy, and quite pretentious. Just the way they liked it.

Right after a dinner break during her Monday shift, her phone lit up with Matty’s name. He was calling. But, Este was juggling both putting in an order for a customer who had clearly woken up on the wrong side of the bed that morning and receiving a box of new inventory into the system; so she let it ring until it eventually stopped.

“Why do I have to pay if it’ll take weeks to come in? Shouldn’t I be able to keep my money until I have the product in my hand?”

Este bit her tongue to hold back the annoyance from peeking through in her voice as she responded, attempting to dumb the ordering process down for the stubborn customer. With much more convincing than usually needed, she finally got him to pay and leave the store. The stack of books still needing to be priced and shelved stared back at her intimidatingly, but with the many hours left in the work day to complete the task and the lack of customers occupying the shop, Este decided to call Matty back.

When she opened her phone, she saw some notifications from Matty after she didn’t pick up.

matty

Today 16:52 PM

Too busy for me now?????

Kidding, ring me when ur free pls x

Shaking her head and laughing at the desperation in his messages, that were now sent 11 minutes ago, Este clicked the button in his contact and held the device up to her ear. She heard the sound of it connecting.

“I was worried you might be dead,” Matty answered.

Her eyes rolled at his drama, even though she knew he couldn’t see her. “I was dealing with a customer. Just some stubborn boomer,” Este explained, “But you’ve got me now. No need to cry on me.”

“I’ll cry if I please, thanks very much. And now that I know you have time to talk I’m going to hang up and FaceTime you instead.” he clarified, ending the call before Este could even respond.

The incoming video call from Matty came through. Este glanced at the clock before answering. “Why did you hang up on me before I could even wish you a happy birthday?!”

“I didn’t call just to hear you wish me a happy birthday. Couldn’t care less about that. I wanted to see your face and hear your voice.”

His skin looked healthy and slightly tan. The hair on his head was significantly longer than when she last saw him in person; the sides growing fluffy and messily surrounding his ears. A chunky chain sat around his neck and a simple t-shirt clothed his torso. He was also newly thirty years old.

“How does it feel? Being thirty?” Este teased.

“Exactly fucking the same, actually. I am still very young and relevant.”

Este sat her phone down in front of a jar of pens and pencils to prop it up. Her hands raised to her defence. “Hey, I never ever said you weren’t young. You’re projecting.” She argued with a grin. “But actually, Happy Birthday. You should be partying, not calling me.”

Now it was Matty’s turn to look for the time. The only clock was the one glowing from the microwave; as he sat alone in his hotel room, waiting for a car to come to pick everyone up and drive down to the airport. They were catching a hefty red eye flight back to LA where they’d be in writing sessions for a couple of days before their first show back in America.

“It’s noon here, love. Definitely not party time. Not yet. Plus, I’ll be in Los Angeles by tomorrow. That’s when the partying will happen.” He pointed out, “I wish you were here, though. To celebrate with me.”

Este’s bottom lip jutted out. “Me too. Maybe I should book a flight to LA,” she joked.

His eyes lit up in false hope, realising that it wasn’t likely that she was serious. “Don’t tempt me.”

“I mean, I have always wanted to go to Coachella…” she teased. Giggling at the possibility, Matty’s ears perked with her response. Este shut him down quickly.

“But, how are you doing? Like, actually. No bullshit.”

A quietness fell over them as Matty messed with his hair to pause and answer with truth. She noticed that lately, in recent interviews (which Este found herself watching in secret whenever she missed him more than usual), he wasn’t afraid to take the time to think before answering a question. With furrowed eyebrows, and sometimes a stutter spilling out of his mouth to fill the space, Matty used words that were purposeful and thoughtful to him; instead of the constant wit and snarky charisma he usually hid behind. So, she wasn’t surprised or taken aback by his silence.

“It’s getting overwhelming quite quickly, to be honest. I think since these last couple of weeks have been festival shows in countries we barely come to. The fans out here are extra passionate—so I feel welcomed but also just so disoriented. Like, they feed me so much energy on stage, so much that I barely know what to do with it all, and carrying that with me once it’s over just sort of feels hard to do. But it’s still rewarding. I’m enjoying myself. I don’t know. Sorry, I’ll stop. Not really sure what I mean,”

“You could read me the dictionary and I’d listen. Please don’t apologise, or stop. Ever.” Este chuckled. “But I totally understand what you mean. You give so much of yourself up during these shows, for the fans. You need to remember to do stuff for you, too.”

The thoughtfulness of her response pinned a small smile of relief on his face.

“Yeah. The guys help a lot too. The fact that we’re all in it together. And that they’ve been my best mates since we were literal children and know me better that I know me. Probably helps a bit,” joked Matty, still playing with his hair. He wished it was Este’s hands doing the soothing action instead of his own. “I do need to do more just for me, though. You’re right. You’re always right, to be fair. And now that I think of it, this is probably the only thing I do for me—call and text you. You’re the closest I can get to feeling at home.”

——— 24 April, 2019

Este

Today 04:19 AM

Adding ‘If Cats Disappeared From The World’ by Genki Kawamura to my list of books Matty should read that Este likes but Matty probably won’t since he’s picky

Attachment: 1 Image

It’s one of the only books I’ve read recently with a male narrator and the way the author writes through him feels so Matty so i actually think u might like it

Today 05:25 AM

Also one more thing

kind of fucked that you go over to America and suddenly add I Couldn’t Be More In Love to the setlist

Not impressed

Many hours later, when Matty peeled his eyes awake, he clicked on the photo to read what she’d sent after chuckling at her final couple of messages. The passage read:

“To live means to cry, to shout, to love, to do silly things, to feel sadness and joy, to laugh, even to experience horrible, frightening things. Beautiful songs, beautiful scenery, nausea, people singing, planes flying across the sky, the thundering hooves of horses, mouthwatering pancakes, the endless darkness of space, cowboys firing their pistols at dawn….”

“And next to all the movies that play on a loop inside my head sit the images of friends, lovers, and family who were with me when I watched them…”

“…I’ve been stringing together the movies I've seen like rosary beads. All that human hope and disappointment held together by a thread.”

He continued to be blown away by Este’s skill of knowing exactly what type of words would stick with him and which ones washed away easily. The optimist he saw in Este shone through the beginning of the quote, while the powerful and matter-of-fact sentence that wrapped it up turned it slightly sideways. It provoked a rather existential train of thought; Matty getting lost in the image for a couple of minutes as he thought about the fragility of what surrounded him.

To respond to her message about the addition of her favourite song off of A Brief Inquiry (a choice Matty fought for with Este subconsciously in mind) to the set, he took a copy of tomorrow’s setlist. A sharpie gripped in his hands stroked out its title, blacking out I Couldn’t Be More In Love. He snapped a photo and sent it.

Este

Today 10:02 AM

Attachment: 1 Image

Tomorrow’s set

For you

In solidarity

——— 9 May, 2019

Sam stuck around for an extra few hours after some car problems that held him back in the morning. Having the company was nice, and Este couldn’t remember the last time their shifts had overlapped for more than even an hour—so she and her boss spent the time happily getting tasks done as a team and enthusiastically chatting.

But, since his position as the owner of the shop forced him to be strapped with piles of monthly paperwork to fill, Este was typically the one greeting and helping customers whenever the door chimed. So, when a girl walked in and asked for some recommendations, she was the one to take care of it.

A dark grey beret sat over her blonde hair and right above her sparse eyebrows that framed the graphic purple eyeliner drawn on her skin. Her voice was soft and polite as she spoke kindly to Este, who walked with her through the shelves. Neil Gaiman’s The Ocean at The End of The Lane poked out of the bag slung over her shoulder, inspiring similar suggestions to blaze through the Greenhouse worker’s mind as they got closer and closer to the fantasy shelves.

“Coraline has been a favourite of mine for probably, like, over ten years. I’m glad you came here with a Gaiman book.” Este shared excitedly.

“This is actually the first one I’ve ever read! If you know his stuff well I’d love suggestions of similar styles or other books by him you’d recommend. Only just getting into fantasy now,”

Luckily, Este tracked down a copy of Coraline that was in good condition, to hand it to her. “If you’ve seen the film, you’ll love the book. This one and Stardust are my favourites and are quite consistent with his ‘magical realism mixed with horror’ type of style.” she suggested. “But, if you want to read some fun fantasy that’s a little more lighthearted and will for sure get you into the genre, I love Howl’s Moving Castle. It’s super fun and an easy read. I don’t think we have a copy right now, though.”

The girl in the beret, who Este soon learned was named Alex, listened intently to her ramble, before picking two of the suggestions offered and bringing them up to the till as they continued conversing. Small talk in the shop always came around to the classic ‘So what’s the best thing you’ve read recently?’ discussion—an easy topic that most thought of to fill the silence at the register. Alex followed suit and asked her.

“I just read a Joan Didion book for the first time, and it was really great. Essays have always freaked me out but they’re way less intimidating than I thought,” she answered and scanned Coraline and Piranesi for Alex to buy.

She pulled out her debit card. “What made you want to start getting into essays? I don’t read much non-fiction myself,”

”It was because of a friend of mine, actually, who has gotten me to read a couple of essay collections so far.” Hesitation could be heard in Este’s voice. Knowing that she was talking about Matty and calling him her friend was odd—but she couldn’t figure out what else to call him. “And they’ve all impressed me. I think he’s just one of those people whose taste I admire and trust, so it didn’t seem as scary when I knew he liked them.”

“I trust your taste too, Este, so I’m excited to read these. Thank you for the help.” Alex said as she shoved the used novels into her bag, smiling widely.

Este smiled back. “No worries. It’s been my pleasure,”

But, when leaving for the back room to track down Sam, she heard a “Wait!” from the front of the store.

Alex stood in the door, one foot stuck out to prop it open as she spoke through the gap. “Sorry if this is forward, but I’d love to take you out sometime. For coffee, maybe, if you’re free. And available.”

Oh god. She’s asking me out, panicked Este internally.

As flattering as it was, especially coming from a person as beautiful as Alex, there wasn’t a cell in her body that could perceive romance with anyone that wasn’t the curly-headed band boy that was across the world from her. Awkwardly spluttered words in Este’s head attempted to be strung together into sentences to let Alex down gently.

“That’s super sweet of you,” she started, “But I’m not single at the moment.”

The sentence scared her. A lack of better wording made it sound like Este was in a relationship, but considering the parameters of one, she wasn’t sure if it was even true. Either way, it got the job done—leaving her frozen in place with embarrassment and forcing the customer out of the door.

“Oh, don’t worry about it! Enjoy your day,” Alex said as she left.

Bright blond hair belonging to the store owner poked around the corner of the doorway to Greenhouse’s back room. Sam, being nosy, and having heard the entire exchange, wondered his way into Este’s love life.

“Since when are you not single anymore?”

-

13 May, 2019

matty

Today 19:33 PM

Hi darling

Been working on this today, I want opinions

1 Audio Message

Geniusly suspended chords on acoustic guitar could be heard in the background when Este pressed play. A couple of instrumental measures sounded before Matty’s voice crept in.

“You are mine, I’ve been drowning in you,”

The ‘Keep’ option was immediately underneath her thumb as Este knew she would want to come back to what she was hearing. His vocals sounded timid and frail. The guitar drowned them out. It was hard to make out what words he was saying, but the feeling was there, and enough. The hair on Este’s arms stood up.

Today 19:38 PM

Goosebumps

Genuinely so beautiful

Sing me to sleep pls???

If you asked me to I would

So u like it????

Yes matty of course I like it

Sounds very very fresh and not like anything I've heard before, but what's new that's always how it is with you x

Only critique is u need to annunciate bc I can't tell what ur going on about

Don’t wanna spoil just wanted to make sure the vibe was right u know

You’ll get the lyrics once it’s recorded. I think you’ll be the only one who gets it

you just looooove being cryptic don't you

Yeah

For no reason in particular :)

10 >>

[sailorsolar12]

This is Why I hate Attention Chapter 5

Heyo! I am posting chapter 5 of my fanfic called This is Why I Hate Attention. I have posted it on FanFiction.net under the same username if you wanna watch it there.

Disclaimer: I don’t own vampire diaries

Rating: M

Warnings: Elena bashing, blood, mentions of abuse/rape

Please note these warnings are for the whole series.

Pairing: I do not have an official pairing yet.

Words: 1.9k

Chapters: Prologue, 1, 2, 3, 4

Chapter 5

-Mystic Falls, Virginia-

Jessica gazed at her aunt and her siblings before she went wide eyed as she was suddenly hugged by Elena out of all people. It took her a full minute to register that not only was her sister hugging her, but Elena was also crying into her shoulder. Jessica furrowed her brow confused. Why would Elena be crying for her out of all people? Could Elena know about what Stefan and Damon did to her? The 15 year old immortal swallowed thickly as Elena pulled away from her. “What was that for?” she asked softly slightly confused.

Elena gazed at her sister and murmured, “I know.” She swallowed thickly and sniffed and wiped at her eyes. “I know what they did to you, and I couldn’t bear to stay near them. Rose has been helping me take measures to make they can’t come into the house anymore as well as protect Jeremy, Jenna, and Matt.” She wrapped an arm around Jessica and looked at Elijah swallowing thickly. “Thank you…for saving her and helping her.” The Doppelganger smiled as Elijah nodded to her and turned to face her Aunt who happily invited Jessica into the house.

Jenna looked at Elijah and hummed softly before glancing at Elena. “Should I also invite him in?” the redhead asked raising an eyebrow seeing how Jessica seemed to see him as some sort of parental figure. She looked at Jeremy who gave a shrug as he didn’t really know Elijah and then at Elena who was quiet for a moment. “Let’s talk it over inside,” she said to her nieces and nephew before looking at the Original. “Give us like ten minutes okay,” she told him and gently shut the door after her nieces came inside.

Jessica bit her lip and looked at her family as she stood to the side inhaling sharply as Elena gave her a mug that had blood from a blood bag that had been warmed up in the microwave by Rose. She gave a shy smile to her sister and to Rose in thanks as she was hungry and her anxiety was making her hunger worse. She sat at the table and looked at Jenna as their guardian asked if Elijah was trustworthy. Jessica nodded shyly. “I think he is….then again maybe I am a little biased because he has been helping me the past almost week. He spent a lot of money on me, and his witches have been really nice to me. He even got me a Daylight Anklet to wear as well as the ring…” Jessica began rambling about everything Elijah has done for her the past week and blushed as she realized her siblings and Jenna and even Rose were staring at her very amused. “Shush your faces,” she grumbled at them hiding her face in her mug of blood. “This shouldn’t really be about me especially since my emotions are all over the place at the moment,” she whispered lightly and tensed for a moment as Jeremy hugged her. She held her breath as she slowly hugged him back. She didn’t want to hurt anyone of her family members, and knew that being around them would help her gain more control. However, she had a feeling that her cravings were going to be hard to manage for the rest of eternity. She knew that Elijah had control, but he had told her it took him centuries to truly gain control. She was scared that she wouldn’t be able to get a handle on being a vampire very quickly. She wanted to be able to have some kind of normalcy back in her life since she was now dead and immortal for all time. Jessica blinked as Rose placed a hand on her shoulder.

“Elijah keeps his word. I have a feeling he has promised to show Jessica what she needs to be a vampire. He will do anything and everything to make sure she is stronger than when she was human,” she stated smiling softly as she looked down at Jessica. The 500 year old vampire gave Jessica’s shoulder a gentle squeeze. She knew Elijah could easily get retribution for anyone who betrayed his family, but she – like Elijah – wanted to help Jessica become the best version of herself now that she was a vampire. “Plus, normally wherever Elijah is, Klaus is close behind. Something tells me they had a falling out over the last hundred years meaning that Klaus is more than likely not with Elijah. Now, that does not mean that Klaus isn’t having people watch Elijah to keep track of his movements, but we can’t really know until Klaus makes himself known.”

Jenna bit her lip lightly and hummed for a moment before she nodded and went to the door to see Elijah waiting on the porch gazing out at the trees in front of the Gilbert home. “Can you promise me both Jessica and Elena will be safe?” she asked him her voice sounding as though his life depended on his answer.

Elijah gazed at her and nodded. “You have my word,” he responded back to her. He slowly stepped over the threshold as he was invited into the Gilbert home by Jenna. He gave a nod to Rose as well as the Doppelganger in greeting. “You are correct in your deduction Rose-Marie. Niklaus and I are not on the best terms. In fact, it was why I was looking for the Petrova Doppelganger. I plan to kill Niklaus for what he did to the rest of our family.” He could feel Jessica’s concerned expression gazing at him and sat between Jenna and Elena seeing they were all confused. “I am not the only Original Vampire….my siblings are also Orignals.” He cracked a smirk at the shocked expression of the Doppelganger. “I believe the term you’re looking for is…OMG,” he said with a hint of sass and sarcasm. Elijah – while watching over Jessica – was slowly coming to terms with what he hid behind the red door of his mind. The door wasn’t fully open, but watching over and training a newborn vampire brought out something in him that was forcing him to see himself in a different light than the painting he had tried to create to cover the door and lock it away. The past thousand years he had spent trying to hide away behind a painting…a façade that he was better than his siblings…who killed and took what they wanted. He had killed plenty over the last millennium, and he was not innocent. However, he was going to try his best to be good. He was going to do everything in his power to overcome the demons he had spent 1000 years running from. The brown haired Original glanced at Rose who seemed to notice the change in Elijah. He gave a subtle nod to the younger vampire and looked back out at the Gilbert family as Elena spoke up.

“Wait…what exactly did Klaus do to your family?” Elena asked tentatively. She was nervous now because if Klaus killed Elijah’s family then what lengths would Klaus go to get her and kill her.

“Niklaus…he placed our siblings in caskets and threw them into the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean,” he spoke lowly looking away from them as his emotions rose to the surface. He gave a heavy sigh. “Our siblings our gone due to his treacherous ways of paranoia and betrayal.”

Jessica frowned slightly as she watched Elijah. From the stories that he had told her, the idea of Klaus dropping his siblings into the ocean seemed wrong. The concept of him acting like that sat wrong with her. She didn’t fully understand why, but Jessica knew that Klaus couldn’t have killed his siblings…his family that easily. “Didn’t you say that Mikael was after all of you especially Klaus? What if he used those daggers you told me about to protect your family from your psychotic father?” she asked before her brain caught up with what she said. She went wide eyed and looked down at her now empty mug and swallowed thickly.

Elijah stared at Jessica for a long moment. What Jessica said had merit. The idea of Niklaus daggering their siblings to protect them from Mikael was very plausible. It could also be why Niklaus was so hell bent on breaking his curse and becoming a hybrid. The Original closed his eyes for a moment as he tried to gather his thoughts. He knew Kol always caused a ruckus wherever he was. Rebekah was too easily swayed by her emotions. Finn was always more of a supporter of their mother and hated what they had been turned into. He opened his eyes as he sat back in his seat as if he had been hit in the face by reality itself. He looked at Jessica and gave a small smile. “To be honest I never truly thought of it that way. I….I always believed that Niklaus had lost his humanity over the years…not that he was protecting us. You might be onto something Jessica,” he said lightly and looked at Rose-Marie. “How confident are you that you can protect the Gilbert Family Rose-Marie?” he asked raising an eyebrow at her. The 500 year old vampire seemed very protective of the Gilberts probably due to what Elena had discovered about the Salvatore brothers.

“From Damon and Stefan Salvatore and vampire that is not as old as I am….rather confident. However, there is the problem of my situation of not being able to walk in the sun and the Salvatores are,” she said leaning against the island counter as she looked at Elijah swallowing thickly. She hoped that maybe Elijah would be able to get her a piece of Daylight jewelry by helping and protecting the Gilberts.

“I will be able to take care of that for you…if you can prove yourself and help Jessica as well. There are many things that I have to do especially if Niklaus will be arriving soon as word has probably gotten out that the Petrova Doppelganger exists once again. Be warned he will try to take what he wants by force, but I do have a way for you to stay alive after the ritual. I will try to find Niklaus before he comes to Mystic Falls, but I do not know where he is at the moment,” Elijah explained as he stood and fixed his suit jacket nodding to them before smiling at Jessica. “Rose-Marie has much to teach you while I am gone. I will keep in contact with you; however, if you ever need anything do not hesitate to call me. The same goes for all of you as well.”

Jessica bit her lip and stood suddenly hugging Elijah tightly. “Thank you,” she murmured softly into his chest. She pulled away slightly and smiled softly at him. “Thank you for everything.”

“Of course Jessica,” he murmured back. He knows that he didn’t sire her, but he felt that same way that Niklaus felt about Marcellus...he felt as though she was his daughter and ward even though her family was alive and well. He place a gentle kiss on the crown of her hair and left the Gilbert home quickly to try to track down his younger brother.

Jessica smiled softly to herself ad turned to Rose. “So…it looks like I am your Padawan now,” she quipped and giggled as her family and Rose snorted at her comment. “What lessons shall I learn from you master?” she teased biting her lip trying not to smile as she heard Rose groan in slight annoyance.

[tinycoded360]

Chapter 15: Dreams and Nightmares

CW: abuse of child character, the threat of vore, and dehumanization.

Sage curled into a tight ball on the cold, hard surface of a glass jar. Her tiny body ached from the bruises Mathis had inflicted. She trembled, hugging her knees to her chest. The giant man had promised to come back. What new torments did he have planned for her?

Exhausted, Sage slipped into an uneasy sleep.

In her dreams, she was back home, safely in the walls, safe with her family.

She sees herself playing hide and seek with her brother and sister. They darted inside the walls and under the floorboards of the cabin they lived in, giggling as they evaded being found.

"Sage, be careful!" her mother called out as Sage squeezed into a gap in the wall. Sage had to mind the massive furniture and avoid any human detection. Those were the rules. Never be seen.

Her father appeared, clutching a chunk of cheese he had salvaged. "Eat up, my dear. We must be quick - the humans will return soon."

Sage smiled as she took the food, cherishing this moment with her family.

A loud crash jolted her awake. Mathis leered down at her, his enormous hands reaching for the jar. Sage screamed.

Sage's heart pounded; she cowered in the corner, trying to make herself small.

"Wake up, little morsel," Mathis growled. "Time for more fun."

He dumped her onto the table, and Sage tumbled to the hard surface. Dazed, she pushed herself up, only to come face to face with Mathis's enormous visage.

"Please, let me go," she whimpered.

"Now, why would I do that?" Mathis said with a sinister smile.

He pressed her down with one finger, and Sage cried out in pain. Suddenly, everything went black.

When Sage opened her eyes, she was back with her family. Her parents and siblings surrounded her with concerned looks on their faces.

"Are you alright, dear one?" her mother asked, brushing the hair from Sage's eyes.

Sage started to answer when a scream pierced the air. Her dream shifts to a darker memory that haunts her to this day. Her brother, only eleven years old, was snatched up by a hawk. They watched helplessly as he was carried away, crying for their mother.

Sage's father held her mother as she collapsed in grief. He looked at Sage with sadness in his eyes. "We have to be careful. The wilderness is unforgiving."

The scene shifted, and Sage saw her older sister, who was frail and shaking with hunger. They had not been able to find food for days. And the bitter cold of the winter was not kind. Her sister faded away despite Sage's pleas, leaving her all alone.

With a gasp, Sage emerged from the nightmarish memories back into the harsh reality of the jar. Tears streamed down her face as she grieved those she had lost.

Sage curled up in a ball at the bottom of the jar, her tiny body wracked with sobs. Her mind was plagued with nightmares mixed with memory, the pain and horror of them amplified by her current circumstances.

Guilt weighed heavily on Sage's heart. Why had she been spared when the others perished? It hardly seemed fair. She longed to see her family again, feel the warmth of her mother's embrace, and hear her siblings' laughter.

Closing her eyes, Sage pictured her family together again, smiling and whole. The bittersweet dream comforted her aching heart.

Sage tossed and turned, trapped in the throes of a horrific nightmare.

She was running through a dark forest, her heart pounding, when a giant Mathis lumbered after her. His heavy footsteps shook the ground, and his voice boomed like thunder.

"You can't hide from me, little morsel!" he roared. "I'm going to grind your tiny bones between my teeth!"

Sage screamed and ran faster, but Mathis was always right behind her. Finally, he snatched her up in an enormous fist. She cried and struggled but could not break free.

Laughing cruelly, he dangled her above his gaping mouth. "Time for dessert!"

Sage shrieked as he dropped her onto his tongue. The heat and slimy wetness enveloped her. She felt the terrifying pressure of his jaws closing. Bones cracked, blood poured, and her world went dark.

Gasping, Sage jolted awake in the jar. Cold sweat drenched her skin. The nightmare had felt so real. She could still sense the ghost of Mathis's hot breath and hear the sickening crunch of her own bones.

Would he devour her? The possibility filled Sage with dread.

Exhausted, Sage eventually drifted back to sleep. But the nightmare returned, over and over, tormenting her throughout the long night.

*****

Sage gingerly stretched her aching muscles, wincing as pain flared through her tiny body. The bruises left by Mathis's rough handling had darkened into ugly splotches of purple and blue. She probed her ribs tenderly, relieved to find nothing broken. Still, every movement brought soreness and stiffness.

She shivered, the cold from the glass jar seeping into her bones. Sage blinked back tears, hugging her knees to her chest.

Her thoughts turned to Mackenzie, the kind human who had shown her compassion. She remembered nestling safely in his pocket, his gentle voice reassuring her. How she wished he would come back and rescue her from this nightmare. She also felt bitter anger that he couldn’t protect her from this.

Sage ran her hands along the smooth glass walls surrounding her. She was sealed in this tiny prison, isolated and afraid. 

[hellcatinnc]

Piofiore Fated Memories Orlok Review

Includes Spoilers

This route pure sickened me honestly. First of all Orlok is this overly righteous person who is supposedly protecting Liliana by protecting her until he is told what to do with her next. He acts like he doesn't even have the right to touch her because she is so holy yet takes her back to live in Yang's house around all the Le Shu and their grubby hands. Half the first part of the story I swear felt like Yang's story again since I saw more Yang than I really should have being Orlok's route. The fight that went on for the Falzone family wanting to take Liliana and protect her from the Lao-Shu ended in Orlok killing Nicola in cold blood. Worst part is I feel like Liliana found a way to justify it was ok when Dante first confronted Orlok is because he remembered he was the one to kill his father.

Like plot twist a little kid assassin kills mafia boss Dante's father. Then on top of it all when he confronts Orlok about it he acts like he has to kill Dante to keep Liliana safe when Dante was never going to hurt her he even said that. Watching Nicola give his life to jump in front of Dante was moving, but also so sad. Like I knew he loved Dante more than anything and this proved it. Then watching the light go out in Dante's eyes broke me. This was the only family he had left, it was him and Nicola against the world. The moment when Nicola took his last breath you could see the revenge take over in Dante and honestly I don't blame him. The day of the funeral hearing Dante hurt and Leo cry broke me for the 2nd time I was in tears feeling the pain of the Falzone's.

Then you see Orlok who now finally decides to take Liliana away from the Lao-Shu mafia and takes her to a shitty empty hide away house. He don't even have a bed or pillows and expects her to make life there with him. He talks about like he has had a sad life and hurt because of everything he had been through but honestly I feel like most of the bad things that came his way because he believed in bloodshed over anything else. Then when he finds out he has to kill Liliana he almost does it until he admits he likes her not loves her but likes her yet she tells him she loves him. Then he wants her to run away with him to be safe and never see any of her family or friends from the church again he doesn't even give her the option to either because the bishop will be pissed for him not killing her for the prophecy.

To tell you how much I dislike Orlok he hides behind faith bullshit and then yet comes across a kid that knows their hideout and Liliana has to remind him not to kill him. Like seriously a freakin kid.. Orlok is too fuckin dangerous yet acts like its normal. Least you piss Yang off he kills you but Orlok his go to is always kill first. That same kid Luca who came to see them often giving them intel on the town and the mafias he got sick and I swear the way he pleaded not to die when his fever was so high crushed my heart. Seriously Orloks good route is sad as fuck. After Luca died the cries of Orlok even got to me cause he didn't understand why god didn't save the boy. For the first time in the whole route I finally felt bad for Orlok and felt his pain and that was at the end of chapter 6. I even included the video and you will see why your heart will break for him but I promise anyone who loves the Falzone's it will break you hearing Leo and Dante.

The small little cute blushing scene between Liliana and Orlok was sweet however neither admitted anything more than they were blushing and not sure why. I felt like I was watching kids for the first time feel like they might have a crush on another. The love story between them was definitely not that of a 18 and 21 year old felt more closer to a 12 year old and 15 feel than anything. So Gilbert kinda annoyed me cause he wanted to kill Orlok but not even for a good reason but because the mess that was going on fucked up a transaction he was doing its like OMG Gil grow the fuck up that was so childish for him which annoyed me. The ending broke me watching Dante die yet again. Like his last breath broke me to tears. I felt all his pain from the losing his father and Nicola I just wanted him to be happy.

I guess thats my issue Dante has my heart when it comes to this game so anyone who hurts him hurts me. For Orlok lovers they will probably love how it ends. Even though after I got over losing Dante I will admit for a story that was drawn out longer and all over the place with a slow burn it ended sweet. That being said they talk about being together forever yet he still has to ask her for kisses which you never see in one CGI in the good route and he never says I love you once yet she does several times. I just find the route out of like 5 star rating probably 2 1/2 stars possibly 3 but that pushing it. Worst part is that I played every route including the bad endings and I have somethings to talk about there.

First why is the tragic end the only end you ever see Orlok tell Liliana that he loves her as well as the only one you get a CGI picture of them kissing for the first and only time in the whole game. Next the ending where you see Dante go so cold where he cuts his tendons so Orlok can't escape and walk and where he insinuates Liliana is his and will be to get back at Orlok for taking the people he loves. I think its pressing on that he rapes her but the screen goes black and it ends the scene so never goes into detail. I mean its not like he forces her its just kinda like he is telling her that she has to be his or he will kill Orlok kinda thing. Its dark even for Dante but I can't blame him he lost all the people in his life that meant something to him by this one man and so he wants to take the person he cares the most for as well which is why Liliana gets brought into all that. However not like she makes it any better because she saw Orlok ruin Dante and still sided with Orlok.

I literally saw the light in Dante's eyes go out and so much hatred for Orlok take over once Nicola died. I can't even say I don't understand it because people are more likely to do things they wouldn't if they lose everyone that matters. Like they say a person who has nothing to lose is the most dangerous unpredictable person. I was in tears as I watched Dante hurt and that was real this whole story was so fucked from the start I just never want to deal with this story again. I went through it once seen all the endings and how you can die and I'm just hoping Orlok in 1926 is better than this one.

[unpopularshipperoboro]

Pokémon dates [Celeshiro]

The following chapter includes: Celeshiro, picnic dates and loving Pokemon.

AU: Pokemon, they're around 14-15.

❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁

Taeko loved Picnic dates, Chihiro didn’t as much but his Pokemon did.

Celestia, despite liking picnics, always brought a big umbrella because she didn’t like the sun shining on her for so long. She always said it tainted her skin, Celestia however enjoyed the scenery and how relaxing a picnic can be. Her Pokemon all cuddling around her and playing was such a treat, watching them play and have fun always brought her joy. 

Chihiro, on the other hand, didn’t feel so similar. He was the only one who hated picnics, Chihiro was never one to go outside and stay out for long periods of time. He’s more of an indoor researcher than an outdoor one, Kyoko can confirm this. However, his Pokemon adored going outside and having picnics, Chihiro learned to just adapt and enjoy his Pokemon’s happiness. 

It has been a year since Chihiro and Celestia saw each other in person, they’d contact a lot on screen but that was it. Chihiro had to travel to different regions for all the research and it had taken much longer than originally planned. Meanwhile, Celestia was busy working at her little shop for Pokemon clothes. Their teams have changed since then too, not drastically but quite a bit. 

They decided to meet by the lake for a picnic to relax. The weather was perfect and the sound of waves crashing together in a calm manner was nice. They brought snacks, blankets and an umbrella for the big picnic they were going to have. The two love birds sat under the umbrella hand in hand cuddling close together watching their Pokemon play. “So, how have you been Taeko?” Chihiro looked up at his girlfriend. 

“Hm, amazing. It has been lonely without you, but I made new friends to help me out. Didn’t you notice?” Celestia smiled, her eyes sparkling with happiness. 

“I’m sorry it took so long- I didn’t think I’d be gone for a whole year like that! And yes I noticed. You managed to get a Thievul and a Noivern! those are hard to find- how did you even do it?!” Chihiro had contained his excitement up until now, he was curious about finding out how his girlfriend caught both of them in one year or less.

“Well, I used the trick you taught me.”

“Which one?”

“Show them your kindness, you get nowhere with aggression, right? You told me that.” Chihiro blushed and nodded his head, Taeko smiled. Noivern proceeded to then sit himself on Celestia’s head while her Thievul also joined, cuddling between the two lovers. The couple giggled in response. “I met Noivern all alone in a cave, it was pouring out. I think his friends left him behind… So I took him in. Thievul tried stealing my stuff- always a pain yet she never really left my store. They stole but always watched over it, I just decided to let her stay.”

“Awww! My girlfriend is such a sweetheart!” Chihiro cuddled closer making Celestia’s cheeks turned pink.

“W-well- I think that you’re the sweetheart here!” Taeko was never good with out of the blue compliments, she did love them. She looked at Chihiro’s smile who completely disregarded what she said and sighed. “Thank you for that by the way, and I noticed you had a few new Pokemon yourself. Mind sharing?”

The smaller boy’s eyes sparkled, “Oh oh! Denne was someone we studied and didn’t want to leave my side so I kinda just took him. Kirlia was simply abandoned so I took him home.”

“Someone had a male Kirlia?” Celestia’s eyes widened, “And they just left him behind?”

“Yeah it looked like it, I asked if it wanted to join me and it went right inside the ball.” Chihiro spoke and Kirlia walked over to him, sitting on his lap while Denne hid inside his pocket. 

“Aw, they seem tired too.” Taeko giggled in aw, trying to hold in her laughter by covering her mouth.

“Seems so- not those guys though.” Chihiro pointed at their older Pokemon playing; Pikachu was play-fighting her shiny Delphox while Porygon2, Gothitelle and Polteageist were playing tag with Rotom. The two laughed in awe at their energetic Pokemon. 

“Oh my, they’re going to get hungry soon.” Celestia suggested with a smirk, Chihiro nodded back holding his laughter. 

“Oh Celestia, I learned how to make Mochi so I brought some- I hope it doesn’t taste bad.” Chihiro said while grabbing his bag, reaching for the food.

“Nonsense, and if it does we have other foods too.” Celestia did a similar thing to Chihiro, but had less of a harder time than Chihiro. “It’s time to eat guys!” After yelling those words, their friends stopped and ran over jumping up and down.

Today was the best day for a picnic and a reunion. 

❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁

Author’s Note: I’m sorry I couldn’t add the legendaries and added onto how they got each Pokemon. This was requested by Icefeather22 on Ao3!

[This page has not been edited]

[snowblossomreads]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

😌 thanks @smilingformoney for the tag (i know u tagged my main blog but that thot doesn't write anything but gibberish well..i guess it's the same here to..)

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

12

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

113,472

3. What fandoms do you write for?

I would say Harry Potter but honestly, it’s just Snape and then other Alan Rickman characters…so Alan Rickman LOL. Also I’ve been known to write Final Fantasy fics (for 7,12 and 15 specifically) and a wild Naruto one in my olden days. There are others but Alan is my main thing rn and for the foreseeable future.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Bad Habits, Young and Beautiful, Seven Devils, Thrilling Tea Time, You Don’t Love Me Anymore

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes because it’s just nice to talk to folks who have enjoyed your things ^o^!

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I don’t know what those are. I mean I guess Seven Devils? But it’s not really angsty (too me at least).

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

All of them because I don’t know what sad endings are.  Havent my blurbos suffered enough.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I have not and hope not!

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yes (3 of the the top kudos are smut ranging from…unhinged to unhinged). I’ll write almost any kind of smut but I have some no goes but mostly anything.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Do I write them? No not generally. Have I written them? I was going to say no I haven’t and I would be lying. I have one that will never see the light of day that I wrote as a young teen that was a crossover between multiple fandoms that that had nothing to do with each other than I had OCs for each of them. The premise was that they all put on a homecoming production (if you don’t know what that is, in short students put on a whole thing where they dance and sing to songs from specific decades that end in the same date as the year the current year to celebrate alumni who graduated on years that ended in the same date. i.e. 2023, 2013, 2003 etc). ANYWAYS I don’t know what I was doing and it never got finished but I think about how unhinged it was. There had to have been like 5 different fandoms in it minimum. Man was preteen me having a great time.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

No and lets keep it that way 😊 or else.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not that I know of.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, it would be a disaster tbh bc idk what deadlines are.

14. What’s your all time favourite ship?

Any of my blurbos/OC or reader 😊. (i.e blurbo/me) LOLOL but like for a media where it’s not me, fictional me, or me again it would have to be Tidus/ Yuna from Final Fantasy X. They had a such a wonderful love story and they make my heart wobble.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

All of them but unfortunately some of them (most of them) may forever stay unfinished because I’m just not good at writing multiple chapters. See Seven Devils and how long it took me to get the last 2 chapters up. AND IT WAS ONLY 7 CHAPTERS THAT WERE PREDETERIMED. Anyways I have a Final Fantasy 15 one I would like to finish because all the chapters were planned out but then I went to university.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Erm I’ve gotten comments about how well I write details and it’s flattering because honestly, I feel like I’m just word vomiting (stares at the next question with dread). But I guess details are my strengths? 😅

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Everything! Next question.

Jk (is she) Uhm I think my dialogues can be a bit bland and go on and on with no real end or why the conversation is going that way (she should go outside and talk to ppl more). Also the transition from platonic to romance (nervous laughter) it’s why one of my HP fics isn’t being written and why I usually just dump readers into things that area already established or almost close to.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

What an apt question, I’ve actually been struggling with this for some fics lately because I have characters who speak another language (Mandarin). Some languages work well for fics written in English i.e the ones that naturally have Romanized words like French, Italian, etc etc . And some (stares at Mandarin) don’t because of how every word would need a tonal mark basically and it’s tedious (again just my thought). I could just write them in characters but that would be even worse for English readers LOL. So now I just go "and so said this in Mandarin" and sometimes I add clues giving readers a hint letting them know. Anyways TLDR: Go for it if you want to, some languages are tricker than others.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Either Final Fantasy 12 or Naruto can’t remember 100%

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

Really asking the hard hitting questions aren't yall 😭Erm um. Ayo I don't really know tbh. I'll go with Seven Devils bc it was absolutely unhinged and it was the first multi chapter thing I completed which I'm proud of!

But also I'm quite having fun writing my current fic (shameless plug for Entangled Hearts right here u should click it!) mostly because @smilingformoney lets me yell at her about my thoughts and she yells at me about her thoughts and we are like yeee good times. Also I can also give my OC some trauma LOL but also a sweet puppy in human form as a boyfriend (and maybe even husband)

That's it my friends thanks for listening to the rambles and thanks again to Millie for the tags (ilysm 🥰) feel free to be nosy whenever.

Tags: Anyone who wants to do this!!

[inkribbon796]

Egotober 2023 Day 14: Relative Time

Summary: Logan knew lots of things. That the world was unfair, that things didn’t work out the way he wanted them to, and that five years was a very long time.

A/N: We get a prisoner two-fer special. One today and Yancy’s visitation Day tomorrow.

Logan’s brother is Orange, I am calling him Dante here. It may be subject to change any time I feel like it, or when we learn Orange’s name.

Prompt: Time

Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31

Four years. Four months. twenty-two days.

That’s how long Logan had before he could pick up brother, and Logan was certainly counting. He had a clock timer in the bedroom he had shared with his brother, a little paper manual flip timer in the kitchen to make himself feel better, and then the one on his phone.

His older half-brother, older by almost ten whole years, had always been there for him. Their mom had never been around and then when Logan was almost thirteen their father just didn’t come home after work. Leaving Logan and his brother alone.

To this day Logan had no idea what had actually happened to him. If he had just abandoned them, or if the various gangs and enemies he’d had run-ins with had done him in. The end was the same, and honestly Logan wasn’t ready to actually go looking yet.

But today was very important for Logan, he was taking the bus down to the correction center to visit his brother. He did it every month like clockwork and it made him feel less hopeless.

Logan made sure that he didn’t have anything dangerous on him before leaving and got there right on time like always. He had to be, he couldn’t emotionally afford to be late.

Once there he went through his usual routine, went into the little visitor’s side, checked in his bag and agreed to get searched, and then waited on one side of the visitation area.

It took a bit for his brother to come out in his orange jumpsuit. There were guards all around the room and Logan was not the only person visiting someone. But Logan did his best to pretend.

“Hey,” Logan said. “Dante.”

“Sup,” his brother said. He had a new little scar over his eyes and Logan was terrified of losing him.

“What happened?” Logan asked.

“Relax, it’s nothing big,” Dante said. “How’s school?”

“It’s,” Logan faltered, trying to be normal about this but he couldn’t. His brother shouldn’t be . . . no he couldn’t think like that here. “It’s fine.”

“Good grades?” Dante said, a hint of pride to his voice.

“Yeah, if I keep going I’ll be valedictorian of my year,” Logan said.

“Good,” Dante said.

“I miss you,” Logan said.

“I know,” Dante said. “Don’t it’ll make it harder. Time moves slower when you want something. Focus on your schooling, and you know where to go if you need anything right?”

Logan nodded. His brother was talking about one of his brother’s old friends who was essentially helping Logan by finding him a job and keeping him living in the apartment. “Yeah, Jan found me a job at his restaurant.”

“Good, should be enough,” Dante said. “Make sure you take care of yourself, don’t get in with the wrong crowd.”

Logan wanted to make a joke but he just couldn’t. “I might have found some apprenticeship for college.”

That got a bit more of his brother’s interest. “Really? With who?”

“Optical Engineering and Robotics,” Logan said, it was Bing’s civilian front. Well known for just giving internships to normal people and then passing them off to college. Logan working with Bing’s little engineering company was to be expected.

“Huh,” Dante said. “Well, you’re smart. Figures someone would see how smart you are.”

Logan smiled.

They would get to talk just a little bit more before his brother had to go. Logan couldn’t stay and that was how things worked.

Time moved on for Logan. Maybe Bing had something for him to do to take his mind off things. He’d try and take his mind off things until next month.

[drawing-way-outside-the-lines]

➖ Mature content, 18+ ➖ check the trigger tags each time ➖      

Chapter 18 - The Crash.

Congo: *I looked up at the sky, blinking my eyes a few times, and as I did a flash went through them. Bright headlights of a truck, coming fast towards me in the darkness. The piercing sound of loud screeching car wheels as the breaks were stepped too hard. The sound of the wheels slighting over the asphalt. And then the inevitable sound of metal crashing hard against metal. Windows breaking, pieces of glass flying around me. The sound of metal bending roared in my mind like a never ending echo. It felt so real I could feel the broken glass pierce the skin of my face and arms again. It had been months since I last had a nightmare about that night, and over a year since the car accident. Still, it left me breathless, waking up like this. And even though I was safe, laying in the soft grass in my own garden, I couldn't help but feel anxious. I sat up slowly, wiping a bit of sweat of my forehead. It had been cloudy most of the noon, but now in the early afternoon it seemed the sun had pushed it's way through the clouds. Days were getting hotter and hotter, pretty soon mid summer would hit us. I fumbled around the pockets of my cardigan and found a half smoked cig. Quickly lighting it with an old box of matches I dug out of my pants pockets, and as I inhaled the smoke, I looked at the sea. I always loved the view up here on the mountain, where you can see big parts of the small city below us, and the full view of the sea makes the whole garden very soothing. But for now the sea didn't seem to have much effect on me. I sighed deeply and took another drag of the cig, coughing slightly as I heard a dry twig snap behind me*

Evan: It's just me… *he sat down in the grass next to me* don't worry, I'm not Andy catching you smoking. *He chuckled softly and lit himself a cig* You don't look too well, are you okay?

Congo: *I nodded softly* Nightmare…

Evan: I see *he smiled lightly* wanna share?

Congo: *I looked back over my shoulders towards the house*

Evan: We are alone. Andy fell asleep about 15 minutes ago. I guess he exhausted not only me this time *he chuckled softly and looked in the other direction a bit shyly. I loved his attempts at trying to be more open about their relationship. Making small comments like that, giving away bits of information without painting a big picture* Was it the car crash again?

Congo: *I nodded softly*

Evan: *He sighed a little* You know, Congo, you never told me about it, you just told me you sometimes dream of it. And Andy never told me any details.

Congo: *I smiled gently, speaking in a warm voice* That's because I never told him any details. I just told him I didn't remember much.

Evan: *He looked at me concerned* But… you remember everything?

Congo: *I nodded slowly* Everything. I can still hear the sounds, feel the turbulence as the car flipped around, feel the pain all over my body, and smell the grass M put me on. *I frowned as I thought of A's daughter, and how she had seen it all, and single handedly dragged me safely out of the car before it caught fire*

Evan: *He frowned too, probably cause her name was mentioned. He went on in a soft voice* I'm glad she was there, or you might not have been sitting here today.

Congo: *I smiled softly, then frowned as I took a big drag of the cig and threw the rest somewhere in the grass. I took a deep breath and went on in a lowered deep voice* It was night, around 11 pm. M and I had gone out for beers, and the conversation had somewhat landed on Andy. She got angry as she did not want to talk about Andy, and left the bar. I ran after her out on the parking lot, as she had my car keys. And there in the middle of a hot headed argument, it just flew out of my mouth. The words I had tried to drown for nearly 10 years. 'I'm in love with him'… Andy. Needless to say, that did not fit her, so she left me. My eyes got filled with tears as the harsh reality of my love for Andy crashed down over me, and I decided it was better to drive home, rather than crying in an empty parking lot. So, I got into my car. Turned on the ignition, and slowly started driving out of the parking lot. As I turned out on the road, a truck came fast around a corner, and he didn't see me. I saw him, a split second before he crashed into me. There was no time to react, I just sat there, frozen, thinking 'this is it'. The front lights were blinding me, and it was like everything paused for a second before he crashed right into the side of my car, and flipped it over with such power that it rolled at least 3 times around itself. Everything happened in slow motion inside. The sound of metal bending was so loud I felt my head was going to explode. When the wind shield splintered in thousand pieces, I saw the glass come flying towards my face, I felt the tiny pieces dig into my skin. Like being stabbed with thousands of little needles. The only thing I could think of, was Andy. I saw his face for me. Smiling. I felt my heart break as I realized I would never see him again. And then I felt a sharp pain in my forehead as my head got smashed into the dashboard. everything went black after that. Next thing I remember was slowly opening my eyes. I was in pain all over my body. I couldn't move. M was standing bent over me, with tears streaming down her cheeks. Far away I could hear the echo of her voice in my head, I understood she was talking with paramedics over the phone. I smelled the dewy grass, and tried to reach a hand for her to let her know I was awake. But I passed out. *I sighed deeply and kept my eyes firmly planted on the sparkly surface of the sea, sighing relieved as I felt Evan's hand pad my shoulder firmly.*

Andy: *I felt dizzy, and I immediately regret the fact that I had walked in on their conversation. As I started hyperventilating, I remembered how I the day after Congo's crash had been on my way to my uncles place. A had decided that for us to stay in a relationship, I had to go live with George for therapy. So against my will I had gotten in on the front seat of A's car, and had spent most of the drive sulking while looking out of the front window. It wasn't until A had taken a detour to a small abandoned barn on a hill that I had lit up a bit. We had steaming hot sex on the floor of the barn, destroying about half of it, almost tearing it down in the process. I was sitting bruised and half drained for blood as I once again had let A snack on me. But he had stopped in time. Few times he led me right to the edge of dying. And the feeling was serene to me. Somewhat intoxicating. I was addicted to some extend, although I don't like admitting it. And on this particular day, he had given me some of his blood as well. I had fed from him too, while he was fucking my brain out. I was more relaxed than I had been in a long time, somewhat sedated from all the violent vampire sex, but still as the phone rang, I immediately felt anxious and like something was wrong. Horrible wrong. It didn't take many seconds of the phone conversation between A and M, for me to know that something was definitely wrong. A was always pale, but it was as if he suddenly turned paler than ever before. His voice even grew weak. The man who is always confident and sure of himself, suddenly was lost for words, I even heard his voice crack a few times. As he hung up, I was so terrified I could barely breathe. And in only few words, he explained to me, Congo had been in a car crash, he was at a hospital, he had a broken leg, broken arm, broken ribs, cuts and bruises all over, and was in a coma. However, the tricky part was, that it wasn't per say a coma, he was in fact just sleeping, but unable to wake up. The doctors were puzzled, and said they had never seen anything like it. And all we could do was wait. I didn't answer A. I just silently got out of the car, walked over to A's door and opened it. The only words I could get out of me before the tears started streaming and I started sobbing, was 'I just need a hug'*

Congo: *I grunted deeply* It landed me in a somewhat coma state. I was sleeping deep and couldn't wake up. To be honest I thought I was dead. Afraid to open my eyes. Afraid to let go.

Evan: *He looked at me concerned and answered in a just as concerned voice* Afraid to let go of Andy?

Congo: *I nodded softly* At first, yes. It started out as a dream. I was at a big wedding, as a guest. Waiting for the couple to be married. And as I looked up at the couple, standing about 15 meters from me, it was Andy and A. The priest had just gotten to the I do part, and as I heard A say I do, my heart burst into a thousand pieces, just like the wind shield of my car. My heart was raising, and the only thing I could think was I didn't want to lose Andy again. So I stood up fast and just as I heard him say yes, I yelled at the top of my lungs 'no!'. He turned around slowly, and it was no longer Andy, but Marius, looking at me with confused eyes. He ran to me, his shoulder length blonde wavy hair bouncing around the frame of his beautiful soft face. His blue eyes sparkling in the sun. And as he reached me, he wrapped his arms around my neck and kissed me happily. For the rest of the time I was stuck in a field with Marius, all we did was lay in the grass and talk while watching butterflies dance above our heads. It wasn't until I heard Marius call my name a few times that I sat up, only as I looked around I was no longer on that field, I was in a hospital bed, and Marius was sitting by my side, holding my hand. I had heard him call out to me from the hospital room. *I brushed the back of my hand over my eyes and sighed deeply as my hand got wet from the tears that had gathered in my eyes* Not a day goes by where I don't miss that boy.

Andy: *I sighed deeply as I felt the tears burst out my eyes, and in that instant I wished I could trade places with Marius, just for the day so Congo could get to see him again. I knew all to well that for Marius it wasn't over between them, and it probably never will be. Marius was made of something special, and from another time than the rest of us. And if he had gone into a relationship, it was whole hearted, and forever. And here I was standing, ready to sacrifice myself so they could get to be together again, at least for a while. I felt as if the air got knocked out right as my feet buckled under me and I fell to the ground, sobbing loudly. The memories of the car crash, A, Marius, it felt as if someone ripped out my insides.*

Evan: *I looked over my shoulder as I heard a bump on the ground, but before I fully noticed what was going on, Congo had already reached Andy, scooping him up in his arms, and I watched as Andy dug his fingers into his tshirt, sobbing as he pressed his face against Congo's chest. I couldn't help but feel I would always be a step behind Congo. I guess he knew Andy better after all, and as so was always prepared for anything. Always ready to step in. I got up quickly and stumbled towards them, squatting down in the grass next to them, gently kissing Andy's naked shoulder as I slowly lifted the tank top shoulder back over his skin as it had started sliding off*

Congo: *I smiled at Evan softly, and slowly let go of Andy a bit, so he too could get to hold him. And together we held him like that until he was all cried out. Days like this I truly appreciate Evan being around. Days where it all comes crashing down again.*

[bigbadripley]

Chapter 7 - Nobody Gets Me

Marc Spector/Steven Grant x Female!OC

Summary: Marc never expected to see his childhood friend Simone ever again. To Simone, Marc may as well have been dead. However, when Simone met Steven 15 years after Marc disappeared, she couldn’t help but notice how familiar he was.

18+ | 4kish Words | Third-person omniscient | Dark?fic/Angst | AU/AT |

Warnings: Heavy language, OC with religious trauma, childhood trauma, sexual trauma. Mention of *childhood sexual and emotional abuse* and the effects of this in adulthood, lots of angst, death/murder mention, heavy sexual tension, mention of violence, unresolved feelings, breakdown of OC

A/N: I update warnings with each chapter. Only proceed if you can handle the themes included in the warnings. I wrote this entirely as a trauma dump.

Minors DNI, DL;DR, if I miss a warning, please let me know.

Chapter list

"How am I supposed to tell ya? I don't wanna see you with anyone but me Nobody gets me like you How am I supposed to let you go? Only like myself when I'm with you Nobody gets me, you do" -"Nobody Gets Me" by SZA

 Marc sat in the same dining chair as he did the other night while Simone paced in front of him nervously, chewing her cuticles. 

"You wanted to talk. Talk to me." Marc spoke up with a soft tone and even softer eyes, breaking her racing thoughts. She knew she needed to watch her words, or Marc would just run off again, even if she wanted to lay into him. She took a deep breath,

"Why'd you leave without saying something to me?" She asked, realizing the breath did nothing to soothe her nerves when her voice cracked on the word "something." That crack and her glassy eyes shook something in Marc's soul that had felt dormant. It felt like he could get enough air into his lungs, but he spoke anyway.

"You had so much going for you. I knew if I said something, you'd try to come with." He explained, hoping that would suffice. 

This answer didn't satisfy her. She was sympathetic to Marc's situation and knew he needed to get out of his parents’ house, but to leave his best friend in the dark after all they had been through? After what happened before he left? 

Simone realized what she was about to do was selfish and nothing short of trauma-dumping, but she knew everything she went through would have been easier to deal with if she had him. She resented him for the longest time because she didn't have him. 

"Do you know what happened after you left?" She said softly, just barely above a whisper. 

Marc shrugged, "Given that-"

"Aside from me becoming a fucking doctor." Simone cut him off promptly, knowing he was about to bring up her recent success. 

Marc knew he needed to listen to her now, so he swallowed harshly before saying he didn't know but the words were trapped in his throat and translated only through his lip movements. 

"I thought you left because of me. I knew that wasn't the whole reason, but I thought..." She voice was growing weak as she choked on thick saliva. 

Marc knew where she was going with it. How they hadn't spoken at all the week before he skipped town. Why they didn't talk. He thought she hated him all this time when she was just as confused as he was.

She decided not to finish the thought and cleared her throat, trying not to study Marc's face too closely before she continued. "I started getting into more trouble because the last person that gave a damn about me was gone. My mom sent me to live with my tío; may he rest in piss." She finished with a disgusted tone. 

Hearing this triggered something violent in Marc, like a violin string snapping, and caused him to stand abruptly. "Are you fucking kidding me? I thought you told your mo-"

"I did. She thought I just wanted attention, remember?" Simone cut him off again, knowing where he was going with it. "Said the same shit when I got caught with a little bit of weed and when she found out I had been forging doctor's notes to skip school, even when I fought Danny Smith..." She trailed off, seeming to have an endless list but afraid to get too far away from the topic. 

Marc wanted to ask about what happened with Danny, a kid they went to school with who loved to talk about how prudish Moni was but decided to save it. Simone clearly wasn't done. "The point is that she thought living with good ol' tío would reform me. I think she just wanted me as far away from her as possible if anything." 

Simone was visibly shaking now, still fighting the urge to wail. Not because of the memories; she's learned to live with those. It was the fact that she was recanting them to someone she thought was as good as gone forever. 

Marc felt sick thinking about that deranged fucker. He wanted to ask if her uncle touched her but realized the question would be foolish.

Of course, he did. You both knew he would.

The thought caused Marc to spike a notebook off of the dining table he was just sitting at without a second thought. He didn't know what else to do with his hands; he just wanted to hit something.

"And he's dead?" Marc asked with a crazed look in his eyes, preferring to her statement about her uncle resting in piss. If he had the chance, he would resort to Khonshu's methods to take care of the bastard. Simone's big brown eyes met his as she admitted something she hadn't uttered to another soul.

"I took care of that already." She spoke. Her voice didn't crack that time. She was completely content with this. Marc was about to ask what she meant when she continued. "I had had enough. He was a sad old fuck, so they ruled it an accident. Cut and dry, no implication that his 17-year-old niece had anything to do with it."

"Holy fuck, Moni." Marc said with a sigh and a head scratch. He didn't expect to hear that she could do such a thing, even if he had done such things himself. He wanted to ask how she did it and got away with it but chose to let her finish. 

"But, you know, I'm a hot-shot psychiatrist now. I won, right? Did all those great things you said I would do." She said spitefully. Not only was this a dig at Marc's earlier statement, but it was also a statement of pride for having gotten out. Marc sat back down, calmer now.

"He deserved what he got, and you deserved to move on." 

"But was it my call to make? I don't regret it, which makes me feel like a freak, but I could have let the universe deal with him." Simone said, followed by a sarcastic cackle. "What would you know about any of that? You were always a good boy." She finished, seeming to take a much more playful tone than she had just moments ago. 

Marc couldn't help but tick the corner of his mouth upward at how she said it. "If only you knew." he hinted, finding it interesting that she assumed he stayed the same all these years when she clearly didn't.

Simone suddenly found it easier to breathe upon seeing that sneak peek of a smile. She took advantage, taking in as much air as possible before keeping the banter going.

"'Only time you ever got in trouble was when Mr. Arlington caught you touching my boob at that football game." Simone said, recalling a memory that Marc thought he had lost. Upon hearing it, he remembered it as clear as day.

"Shit, 9th-grade truth or dare? Your mom didn't let me come over for, like, a month after that."

"She only changed her mind because she realized you were a good influence on me. I, on the other hand, corrupted the shit outta you." Simone howled, finally finding a moment to really laugh. She wanted to add that her mother felt that way until their Junior year, but she let that one slide. Her chuckle amused Marc as well. More than that, he wished he could keep her laughing like that. 

"So, you just have a thing for corruptible men, eh? What's your Ph.D. say about that?" He asked, teasing. Simone's nerves were finally settled enough to take the dining chair next to him, and her spirits felt higher suddenly, so she decided to keep the joke going. 

"That I'm probably a terrible person, and you should keep Steven as far away from me as possible." 

Marc rolled his eyes, "Yeah, right. I'm shocked he's let me talk to you for this long. He's probably watching you laugh and give me those eyes like you do, and he'll probably hate me later."

It took a moment for Simone to realize she was giving him the eyes that so famously gave away her flirtation. She wanted to talk to Steven but didn't want to stop catching up with Marc. 

Simone also feared if she kept this up, she would be in Marc's lap before she could consider the damage that might do. Even then, she noticed Steven was every bit of the sweetheart Marc used to be. The kind boy that she never stopped loving. She felt like she was a teen again laughing in the woods.

In the same breath, she saw the man himself in a completely different light. 

The kind of different that made her want him to bend her over the table they sat at. 

The fuck is wrong with me? She thought to herself. Besides the obvious but this man really looks good enough to eat.

She shook the thought free before it could engulf her and changed the subject to the one thing that had been eating at her besides his absence: how he and Steven worked. 

Marc explained it to her the best he could and watched as the eyes she gave him before stared intently as she listened with fascination. She asked questions and dug into the science of it all. 

She was the brilliant, curious girl he had known so long ago again as he described that they could see everything that goes on and trade places as quickly as blinking. 

"It's wild, though. Your eyes change too." She pointed out. Marc cocked his head,

"How?"

"I've gotten used to seeing Steven, so I know his eyes. It's not too noticeable to someone who isn't paying attention. When Steven's here, his eyes are bright and wide, full of life and hope, and you just wanna kiss him all over his face. Boyish, sweetheart eyes." Simone explained. Marc didn't fully understand it, but he let Simone continue. 

"Right, I'll take your word for it. What's so different about mine?"

"Yours are dark and low. They proceed with wiseness and experience, intimidation and courage. They make you look a bit rougher around the edges and give away that you take what you want."  

"So, they're like your fuck me eyes?" He asked, seeming completely serious about the question while trying to get under her skin. 

He was good at that, but she was better.

"Even with all that ruggedness, you're still handsome." She said, calling back to the old and simple compliment that drove Marc nuts, but not for the reasons she thinks. It got under his skin the same way her fuck me eyes did. He held back the best he could, knowing she liked control, and for a good reason. 

Marc did, as well, and feared it would be too much for her.

They stared at it each other for a moment. The raw energy was unmistakable, and they heard the beat of their hearts in the silence that blanketed the room. Marc thought Steven would return, but the Englishman was still radio silent. 

Steven stayed back and let them catch up, just as Marc stayed back while he got to know Simone. It did make him jealous to see her talk to Marc the same way she did with him, but the added inside jokes and reminiscing stung like hell.

Though it felt like Steven had known Simone his entire life, Marc was the real deal. He only wished he had known her sooner, but he knew with everything in him that he and Simone had something great, even if it wasn't the same as what she had with Marc. 

That was enough for Steven to make him okay with what he was watching. 

Marc brought up Danny Smith again to break the tension, and Simone explained that she knocked him senseless because he kept trying to feel her up. They agreed it was well deserved, and given Simone's sensitivity to unwanted touching back then, it was unsurprising. This still begged the question on Marc's mind, but he didn't feel she wouldn't be comfortable answering it. 

He wanted to know who broke her out of her shell. 

Who was responsible for turning the girl who would be mistaken for both a prude and a slut all through high school into a sexually confident woman? God, why does it matter to me? Because it wasn't me? Fuck, I guess I'm no better than those assholes who thought of her virginity as a goddamn trophy they could win.

Marc kept his thoughts inside, not wanting to pry open a can of whoop ass for himself. He stood up and started looking around the place aimlessly. It didn't seem like her style: decorative lacey shit everywhere, floral patterns. Even her room had antique-looking furniture and beige walls. She didn't live here alone.

"So, your roommate's an old lady?"

Simone chuckled, "Joyce is 40 and has been kind enough to let me stay in her spare room for this long. She's an airline pilot, so she's not here much."

"I see, so I'm guessing you don't have men over very often," Marc asked as he entered her bedroom and poked fun at the decorating choices. Simone stood and followed at a distance,

"Before Steven, I hadn't had a man over in-" She stopped for a moment, counting silently on her fingers. "-Nine months."

Marc felt their banter ramping up again, but he kept it going this time. "Sheesh, no wonder you targeted poor innocent Steven." He joked. 

Simone cocked her head, realizing it made sense that Steven would indeed be sexually innocent if he only became his own person recently.

"Steven just happened to be attached to a vessel that didn't strike me as poor or innocent. Though I know from my patients that the experience of the body doesn't matter to the system. Each with a unique experience, normally. They feel their own pain, sickness, attraction..."

"Speaking of, if you find him attractive, it only makes sense that I'm attractive, right?" Marc said with a pivot around to face her. Simone rolled her eyes,

"Whatever, Spector."

He knew he could have stopped, but it was just too excellent to see how red her face was getting. 

Under her skin, he was. 

"It makes perfect sense. You find me physically attractive enough that you were dying to fuck me just the other night. Am I wrong? And don't lie. You've always been terrible at it." He said with a raised brow. 

Simone couldn't help but gravitate closer to him as she noticed his eyes grow darker than before. She didn't think they could stare any deeper into her soul, yet they somehow did. 

I mean, I sorta did fuck him, or his body, at least... and a fantastic body it is, and I can't un-fuck it, right?

She wanted to tread lightly and stay on top of this before it got to a point where they couldn't go back. 

She also wanted to see him beg.

"Don't do that to me. Your ego might not like what comes next." She told him through a poker face that was uncrackable now. She knew she could knock him down a peg and watched with delight as his adam's apple bobbed at the comment.

This man's just too goddamn pretty. Indeed not the sweetheart I know.

Marc wasn't as convinced, and though his apprehensions from earlier lingered, he saw in her eyes that she might enjoy being thrown around.

I bet she couldn't keep that face with my hand around her throat.

Then Marc remembered the Englishman in his brain that was absolutely infatuated with Moni. He didn't want to stop, and he almost couldn't help himself from thinking with his dick, but he knew how it felt to be inside watching this go down. He took a breath before speaking up again,

"I'd say try me, but your boyfriend might not like that."

Simultaneously, Simone blinked and realized she was nearly chest-to-chest with Marc. Marc, not Steven. Her sweet Steven was the one she expected to speak to today before she got carried away. She felt dirty having not asked for him. 

"No, you're right." She said, clearing her throat of the dryness that overtook it. "Is he there?"

Steven had been watching, waiting as Marc had the past few weeks. He realized how Marc had felt seeing him kiss and interact with Simone in ways he wanted to. Steven was happy she was asking for him now, though.

"I'm here," Steven said. Marc almost felt relieved that he had come back, sexual tension aside. Simone was also relieved but felt equally mortified at everything that had transpired, not just today with Marc but the other night with the opposite situation. 

The whole thing still confused her, but aside from the accent change, the eyes told her she had Steven in front of her. She was calm. 

"I'm sorry about what happened the other night, sweetheart." She apologized, referring to the excellent time that turned into a trainwreck.

"Oh, no, all's good, love. I should be the one apologizing. It was my fault."

"I don't think there's any fault here, but I did put a gun in your face and act like a nutcase." 

"If I could be truthful since we're all putting our cards on the table, it seems," He started, taking a seat on the edge of the bed and referring to the gravitational pull between her and Marc. Simone joined him and slid his left hand into her right, interlocking their fingers. This brought great comfort to Steven. "I meant to tell you, you know? Instead, I told you I hadn't done that before.." 

"Honey, it's okay."

"No, it's not." He admitted. "And I'm sorry for not... helping you out. Marc told me that would happen." Simone took a moment to replay the events of that night, shaking her head.

"Sweetheart, I appreciate your wanting to make me feel good, but you should never be expected to be perfect during your first time or anytime," Simone said, caressing his cheek with her free hand. "And I'm disappointed in you, Marc, for not telling him that." She snapped, doubting he was any kind of sexpert himself and trying to find a smidge of that man in Steven's face. 

She didn't have to look for long. Marc's eyes fixed on her right after she finished her sentence. 

"All that stuff about being a dominatrix made me think you might expect something." He said with an eye roll. Simone dropped the hand that was on his cheek before she explained.

"The only person who got me off when I was doing that stuff was Mistress Ignatia, also known as me. I told you they couldn't touch me." Simone said in a matter-of-fact tone. 

Marc's eyes widened at this. This Simone was a different Simone from who she used to be, without a doubt, just like he was a different Marc. It drove him crazy. "Who are you, and what have you done with my Moni?"

Simone wasn't sure how she felt about his use of her old nickname. His Moni? Maybe I could have been his Moni at one point, but that was too long ago. She thought to herself, trying to find something to be mad about in the comment but only finding herself melting. 

Marc's Moni died a long time ago. Something tells me that Moni's Marc did, also.

"I grew up and became who I wanted Simone Fredrick to be. Part of that was realizing nobody was gonna protect me better than me." She said as she realized she was still holding his hand. She didn't remove it, only loosened her fingers slightly. "In case you haven't noticed, I don't wig out when I'm touched anymore. I'm okay with being seen naked. I own a few self-defense weapons, hands not included, and I take control when I want and relinquish it when I feel it seems suitable. That is Dr. Simone Fredrick, not the traumatized little girl from high sch-"

Marc cut her off by slamming his lips into hers. He didn't give it a second thought. It was a dumbass move, but it was all Marc could think to do as he watched her lips speak to him about being a new woman. He wanted her.

Simone's mind teleported her back to the woods between their houses. To the day when she used her walkie-talkie to tell him to meet her there. The day they sat together in the same clearing they always did. He consoled her as she cried over her mom's insistence on inspecting her. 

She kissed him that day. It was the first time, and she couldn't think of why she went for it, but it felt overdue, and she felt fantastic. 

Just as she did after kissing him back then, she pulled away. 

"This is... weird." She said, almost exactly the same way she did when they were teens. 

"Yeah, it is," Marc repeated his words from that time, as well. 

As if they were reliving that moment, they started to kiss again. This time, her mouth felt scruff instead of peach fuzz. This time, he felt positivity instead of fear. 

Back then, Simone's mind raced and battled itself. She wanted him and still feared becoming the thing everyone swore she was: a harlot.

Now, she kissed him back, heavy in an overdue passion and ferocity that let her cravings be known.

Back then, Marc's hands wandered a bit too much. He didn't think about the damage that would do. He just did it. 

Marc's hands wandered still, touching her waist and back, and Simone's mind seemed made up. 

And still, all these years later, like they were reenacting it-

Whore! Puta! Her mother's voice screamed in her head, accent and all. Nothing but a jezebel! 

Simone pulled away abruptly.

Though she and Marc were older, more experienced, and have nothing to fear, she knew that Steven was in there. She felt she was betraying him in the worst way. She felt like an untamed sexual deviant. Selfish. Stupid. She hyperventilated like before.

Marc began to panic, just as he did back when she ripped herself away as teens. He remembered what she had said before:

Don't touch me! I don't want to!

This time, she yelled something different.

"This is insane!"

Back then, Simone punched Marc square in the jaw in a fit of hysteria. Now, he watched as she balled her fist to do just that. She raised that fist, ready to unload, but just as Simone knew, this Marc wasn't the same Marc she knew. He caught her fist before it could connect.

"Moni, it's okay. I'm not gonna touch you." He spoke softly, doing what he felt he should have done back then. Her eyes were red and glossy already as her fist shook in his palm. She flicked her eyes to it, remembering when she hit him before. 

"Steven." She whispered. Like a summoning spell, the man himself came forward. 

"Hey, Simone, love. You're alright." He said to her, noticing her tremble like a small dog. He slowly guided her hand back down, unwrapping it from the fist and taking it, clasping their fingers together. "It's alright." He repeated. Simone's eyes finally blinked, causing two fresh teardrops to roll down her face. 

"I just don't want you to hurt because of me." She croaked. "This is nuts."

"It's new to all of us, darling. Really, I'm not upset." 

"How the fuck is any of this supposed to work?" She asked, voice still wobbly. Everything was new with Steven, but she didn't want to stop building their relationship. Meanwhile, she has an old, unexplored love for Marc that she can't escape now. 

She wanted to make a choice like a normal person, but how the hell are you to do that when you can't have one without the other? She felt overwhelmed, awkward, and angry. She wanted to be alone to consider if all of this was even worth it.

Then she remembered that she had almost hit him. Again.

"I'm sorry." She said, voice still shuddering. Steven gave her a concerned look, 

"Like I said, I'm not upset." 

Steven pulled her into his arms and held her, feeling the hitching in her breath tone down from the cuddle. He couldn't even imagine what might have caused her to feel this way, but he knew Marc might know. 

Marc knew, indeed. He hated it for her, and though she's clearly shown progress in healing, some things seem to have stuck around with her.

Simone shook her head against him. She wanted to stay there, warm and comfortable but knew that wouldn't help her rationalize anything. 

"No. I just need to be alone right now." She told him. Steven put on the same face he did the last time she said this. He was afraid this might just be the last time, but he couldn't stand to see her like this. 

Neither could Marc. Even if this Moni wasn't his Moni, she cried the same.