#this went all the way back. to the fucking beginning. it's literally been a decade. oh my god. oh my god

[am-i-interrupting]

How about Vox's crush is listening to him rant about the radio demon as usual 😆 so shuts him up with a kiss

Also, congrats on the new job! 👏 🎉

Talk Show

You could listen to Vox talk all day. His voice was just so lovely to listen to. It tickled your brain when it went a bit glitchy. It soothed your heart when he spoke softly. It gave you humor when he got upset over small things.

You could listen to this man talk.

You could not listen to this man seethe. You hated it. You wanted to calm him down. You wanted to soothe his worries. You wanted to punch his fucking screen because dear fucking god! Could he not find a topic aside from the Radio Demon? It was the fourth time this week and it was only Tuesday.

You wanted to get out your phone, give him the treatment he would give Valentino specifically because Valentino threw tantrums often enough that it was old news and this? This was old news now. It’d run it’s time. The show needed to close.

You were going to lose it if the credits didn’t roll soon. He just kept going on and on. Talking animatedly with his hands (which you adored) while he paced. His voice fluctuated in a way which would be enjoyable if he was talking about literally anything or anyone else.

He was so obsessive. This rivalry which had been going on longer than you’d known him was back full force and you were beginning to realize just how much you took those seven years without a single word of the Radio Demon for granted.

“I mean, who does he think he is? He just shows up after all this time and thinks he can steal the show? I mean, steal the show? From me? He went in a nearly decade long radio silence and then just pops back in without any question— I mean—“

You got up calmly, walked over to him, and grabbed his scare face between your hands.

“What?”

You stared at him for a moment before you placed a kiss between his eyes.

“I love you,” you said calming. “Shut the fuck up about the Radio Demon or you will have to regenerate and I don’t want to do that to you. Do you want me to do that to you?”

It was his turn to stare. He said nothing but you could hear a barely audible sound of fans beginning to spin.

“This should be a simple question,” you said.

“I, um,” he swallowed, “it’s really not.”

You shook your head. “I love you, stop talking about a man who will never fuck you.” You placed a kiss on his lips and sat back down.

[joshsindigostreak]

I See Hell in Your Eyes

Chapter Eight

“I’m so heavy in your arms.”

Josh Kiszka x Vampire!Reader

Authors Note: Helloooooooo! This has always been the chapter I’ve been wanting to write from the beginning, and I can’t wait to share it with y’all! Please give me your feedback after you’ve read it! I love hearing y’all’s thoughts. Also keep your eyes peeled because there are hints at Sam’s story and Danny’s story towards the end! (Ideally I want all four of them to get their own story in this universe ❤️) Onward!

Word Count: 6,714

Warnings: Graphic descriptions of blood. This one is SAD y’all so bring the tissues. No smut in this chapter.

The ride to Dimitri’s manor was a quiet one. Josh sat close to you in the back seat, never taking his eyes off the two men up front. One hand was resting on your thigh, the other was holding your other hand in his lap. It didn’t take a Vampire to feel how fast your pulse was racing, or how your anxiety was so high you were completely silent. His thumbs rubbed comforting circles wherever they could reach, trying to calm you down. Despite your hunter’s efforts, your mind would not stop circling the drain with every worst case scenario. You were dead. Truly dead. Josh will be too. Dimitri knows. He knows you committed high treason against your own kind. Monica was right, they’d have you Meet the Sun for this. 

You had seen first hand over the decades what Dimitri did to traitors. He wasn’t flashy about it, having an audience was never the point. But he always made sure to hit where hurt the most. Right now? That place was Josh himself, and you knew that Dimitri knew that. You were so fucking stupid, of course he would see through that entire sham at the Den. 

The black SUV you were traveling in took a sharp left turn, swiftly taking you out of the city. Even though Dimitri was at the Den most nights, his actual residence was far out of town. He preferred to spend his nights off away from the hustle and bustle, in his sprawling estate that few had seen in person, and even fewer had lived to tell about it. 

Another turn, this time onto a side road that wound itself through the forest. The trees swallowed any lingering light from the city, leaving the SUV in its own bubble. The road narrowed the further you went, and started to incline. It wasn’t very mountainous outside of the city, but there were plenty of hills. Steep ones, with plenty of cliffs tall enough to get the job done. Your body didn’t produce bile the way humans did, but you swallowed whatever you had in your throat that threatened to bubble up into your mouth. 

Josh, in the way he knew best, tried whispering comforts in your ear, which you faintly heard through the roaring in your ears. You felt his lips caress your ear as he spoke, those plush, perfect lips that mere hours ago were claiming you as his. You tried to remember the last kiss you had shared with him in your bed. A soft but secure kiss before you slumbered in  his arms. You closed your eyes and melted into him, tempted to take off the seatbelt and crawl in his lap for the remainder of the drive. He peppered kisses into your hair and on your cheek, trying to find something that calmed your fears. 

The narrow road suddenly opened up into a sprawling driveway, a semi-circle pavement monstrosity complete with an obnoxious fountain in the center that the SUV peeled around. Of course Dimitri would be the only address on this road. The literal end of the line. The vehicle lurched to a halt before the driver shut it off and calmly exited. The door to the right of Josh was yanked open, and both of the men were standing on either side, waiting for you to exit. Josh laced his fingers in yours before getting out first and helping you out. He refused to let go of your hand for a second. 

The chilly night air nipped at your legs as you gazed upon the impressive manor. It consisted of  three floors above ground, but you recalled rumors of an extensive basement system down below. 

The Gothic architecture was almost too on the nose, something that Josh whispered in your ear, “the only thing he’s missing is a giant neon sign that says ‘a vampire lives here’ with a massive arrow pointing to the house.”

You bit your lip to keep from smiling, “he really leans into the stereotypes…” 

The feeling of normalcy between you two was short lived, as the two henchmen ushered you up the stone steps leading into the manor. You weren’t a runner, but the fight or flight response was nearly impossible to ignore at this point. A simple squeeze of your hand by Josh brought you back to reality. The heavy wooden door was pulled open by one of the men, his hand gesturing for you two to enter. Because a Vampire owned this house, formal invitations weren’t necessary. Josh entered just a step ahead of you, preparing to get in the way of anything that could potentially attack. 

However, the two of you were met to an empty foyer that opened up to a grand entrance hall. The hall was flanked by two massive identical staircases that mirrored each other and met at a shared landing high above you. The room was lit with flickering lights that mimicked candlelight, another way Dimitri stayed on theme. 

The front door closed loudly behind you, leaving you alone and in complete silence. You heard familiar classical music being played down one of the halls, but you didn’t have much time to figure out exactly where when you heard the tapping of footsteps marching towards you. Within seconds, a Vampire in his fifties appeared at the bottom of the stairs, staring at you both with an unreadable expression. You could feel Josh jump a little at his sudden appearance, as most humans weren’t used to the fact that sometimes Vampires just…appeared at times. This habit along with the super speed was what started the false rumor that Vampires could teleport within shadow. 

It took you a second to recognize him but it dawned on you, “it's been a long time, Phillip.” 

The Vampire grimaced at your words, as he had never been very fond of you, “Dimitris would like to see you both in his study.” 

You kept your gaze steady, not wanting Phillip of all Vampires to see you nervous, “lead the way.” 

With a slight huff Phillip turned on his heel and led the two of you down the main hall to the right. As you walked, the sound of classical music met your ears, letting you know you were close. With Phillips walking in front, you took your chance and slid your hand into Josh’s with a firm grip. He squeezed back, and ran his thumb up and down the side of your hand. Phillip took a sharp left turn down a dimly lit corridor and the music grew louder. Ahead of him you could see flickering light pouring out of an open doorway. This was it. 

He stopped in front of the door and ushered the two of you inside, where you found Dimitri lounging on a Victorian couch. He was staring into the roaring fire, his expression unreadable. 

Dimitri briefly looked up to acknowledge your presence before sitting up straighter and squaring his shoulders, “ Leave us, Phillip. I wish to speak with them alone.” Phillip gave a curt nod before disappearing down the dark corridor. Dimitri gestured to the identical couch across from his, offering you and Josh a seat. His eyes were fixed on your joined hands as you sat down. 

“Always a pleasure, darling.” You nodded, words failing you. “I’m sure you’re wondering why I brought you here. I apologize for the short notice but…the matter could not wait.” He smiled softly at you, continuing to study you both. “I feel we shouldn’t beat around the bush and get directly to the matter at hand.”

You gulped and didn’t care if he saw it or not.

“How long have you known, Mr. Kiszka here?” You knew it was coming, but him saying Josh’s name made your blood run cold. Before you could answer he said, “you almost had me with that fake name at the Den…but when I tasted his blood I knew right away who he was. Well, what family he came from, at least.”

“How-,” Josh interjected. 

“Oh my dear Joshua, your great-grandfather’s blood tasted very similar,” he said matter-of-fact. Josh glared at the Vampire as his hand tensed in yours and you felt his whole body become rigid. “I’ve come across your family many times, but I’ve always eluded them of course,” a cool smile spread across his face. “Which is why it was so…interesting of you, darling, to bring one of them into my Blood Den under a false identity. I would even venture to say it was out of character.” 

“Dimitri I-”

The older Vampire wasn’t finished, “however, it might surprise you to know I had no intention of doing anything about your little…indiscretion…for the time being. In fact I fully planned to merely observe how many times you’d bring your little hunter friend amongst us Vampires. Now, the real plot twist was you feeding on him the other night. That I did not expect at all. But the best part was that little Joshua here was enjoying it…” He smirked at Josh, who continued to glare at him.

You tried to keep your voice steady, “but if you weren’t going to do anything about it, then why are we here?”

Dimitri nodded and leaned forward, “yes the wrinkle in all of this was that someone went behind my back to the Council and told them everything.”

“Who the fuck-,” you started.

“You’ve probably noticed that Yvonne isn’t here tonight? Well, it seems someone got a little impatient in my promise to eventually turn her and she tried using this delicious piece of information to hopefully convince a member of,” he stopped to chuckle lightly and pinch the bridge of his nose, “the Council of all groups to turn her instead.” 

Your eyes widened at the stupidity, there was no way the Council would turn a human for this. They were even more selective than Dimitri when it came to creating new Vampires. Yvonne had to be extremely desperate, stupid, or both to pull this move. 

“I mean maybe it's my fault for keeping her around for nearly a decade on the promise of turning her? Humans are such impatient creatures,” he flicked his eyes back at Josh, “no offense.” 

“What did the Council say to all of this?”

“You’re both in luck that I have a few friends on the Council that came directly to me with Yvonne’s betrayal, and thus a warning as to what they said to do about it.”

It was a good thing you were already sitting down, but Dimitri’s habit of drawing things out was making your anxiety so much worse. 

“The first thing they did was tell me who the informant was. Yvonne was…quickly dealt with,” his voice trailed off, but you knew better than to ask the how and what about that situation, “and after that, they gave us a few options going forward.” 

You could feel your hunter's hand going clammy, and his heartbeat could be heard over the crackling fire. 

“The first option, and the one they wanted the most, was for you to Meet the Sun, darling,” for the first time in decades, you saw sadness creep into his eyes, “the second option of course, was just to flat out kill our dear Joshua. Both options had the obvious caveat of having you watch each other’s death. Which would then lead to the death of the one watching. So essentially it was more of a ‘who first’ matter.”

“Oh…,” it was all you could say. It was what you were fearing, but finally hearing Dimitri say it out loud made your vision blur and your knees shake. 

“But,” Dimitri sat back against the couch, a satisfied grin replaced the sadness, “I had an even more poetic idea.”

“What could be more ‘poetic’ than that?” The sarcasm dripped from Josh’s voice. 

Dimitri held his hands out, palms facing the two of you, as if he was telling you to brace yourselves, “why, stripping the Vampire Hunter’s humanity away, of course!” 

“What,” you squeaked out. 

“...and as a cherry on top, having you be the one to turn him!”

Your ears started ringing, “excuse me?”

“Oh think about it, darling. Turning not just any human, but a Kiszka? Do you know how many Vampire’s have tried to do that very thing and failed?”

“I can think of a few,” Josh deadpanned.

Dimitri gave Josh a look but continued, “you see, the worst way to insult a hunter, especially one from a family line,  isn’t to kill them. Hunters love dying for the cause. No no, it's turning one. Why? Well darling I don’t know if your little friend here has told you, but they view being turned as a fate worse than death. In fact, they even view the mere suggestion of allowing a hunter-turned-vampire to exist as a walking advert of their failures. Isn’t that right, dear Joshua?” 

Josh stilled next to you. It was true.

“Nothing worse than the hunter becoming the hunted, eh,” the older Vampire said with raised eyebrows. 

You had to be hallucinating. This was all some wild nightmare you were having. Any second now you’d wake up in Josh’s arms, safely shielded by the sun in your bed. You dropped your face into your hands, rubbing your eyes but when you opened them you were still sitting in Dimitri’s cliched study. 

“And if we don’t take that option,” you asked, still not believing what you were hearing.

Dimitri’s expression grew serious, “then as I said before, it would only be a matter of…who goes first.” 

Josh stared at the ornate rug under his feet. The thought of you burning from the sun again made him nauseous. He could still hear how your skin sizzled and cracked open, the gasps of pain and the whimpers you tried to hide. The thought of you being held out in the open, more than likely in front of an audience, while you slowly burned to death, especially because of him, made the bile rise in his throat. The dream that he had had the first time he slept next to you invaded his mind, and he visibly shuddered. But on the other hand…if he agreed to this, to being turned, how would he tell Jake? Or Sam? What would he say to them? 

“...and there’s really no other way?” Josh asked the obvious, but he needed to express it out loud. 

Dimitri shook his head, “if I don’t give the Council a decision they’ll make one themselves, and I can promise that you don’t want it to get to that.” 

Josh nodded his head, the skin on the back of his neck prickled hot, and he swallowed hard, “fine.” 

You snapped your head to your left to look at him, “what do you mean, ‘fine’?”

“Turn me,” he slowly swiveled his gaze, meeting your eyes for a second before looking back at Dimitri, “I want her to do it, no one else.” 

Dimitri sat back with a satisfied smile, “I knew you were smart, dear Joshua. She must mean a lot to you in order to give up your humanity like this.” 

You stared at your hunter, tears filling your eyes, “no…” Painfully, a memory surfaced in your mind, from that first night in the Den. The brief banter you exchanged while you were explaining your favorite cocktail to him.

“A-Negative pairs really well with whiskey. Robust but not overpowering, gives you a great buzz. It's a shame you can’t find that out for yourself with your…humanity and all.” 

Josh gave you a flat look, “I like my humanity just fine.”

“Suit yourself…though a hunter turned Vampire would be hilariously ironic.”

It was just a joke on your end, something silly to loosen him up, but now the words burned in your throat. 

“You’re not dying because of me,” his words shook you from your thoughts. 

“You don’t know what you’re asking for…”

“Out of our options…this is our only option, sweetheart.” 

“I’ve never…I’ve never turned someone…” 

“But you know how, darling, you know the procedure,” Dimitri offered from his couch.

You turned to look at the older Vampire, “and you’re ok with this? Turning someone new?”

“I wouldn’t have suggested it to the Council if I wasn’t. Plus, imagine the business it would bring to the Dens I have? You two making an appearance? Think about it, the hunter who was willing to be turned to save a Vampire? And you, darling, the Vampire who tempted a hunter to want to be turned? You, turned a Kiszka? Vampires and their Human Companions would be flocking to get a glimpse of you. It would…add to the fantasy of theirs,” Dimitri couldn’t contain his excitement at the possibilities. 

“Fantasy,” you questioned. 

“Well, the human fantasy of one day…following in your footsteps…,” Dimitri countered. 

Having heard enough, you turned back to Josh, “are you sure?”

“Yes,” he made sure to look you in the eyes as he said it. He reached out, collecting your hands into his, driving home the fact he was serious. You instantly tangled your fingers around his, gripping him nearly too tight, but you needed to ground yourself. 

“Wonderful,” you vaguely registered the excitement emanating from Dimitri as he sprang to his feet, “now, I had a feeling this would be the decision and I already had a room upstairs ready for you both. Anything you need, darling, and it's yours.” 

You nodded numbly, not wanting to take your eyes off of Josh. Your chest didn’t know whether to heave or to cave in on itself. It was too much, it was all too much at one time. You tried to travel back in your mind to this morning, with Josh hovering above you in your bed. The last time things felt normal with him. The way the wall sconces scattered light through his curly hair, the heat of his skin against yours, the kisses he left all over your nose and cheeks, he was your gentle daylight. Your gentle daylight that you were cursing into never seeing the sun again. 

Before you knew it, Dimitri stood before you both with a warm smile not seen by many people. 

“Come on, I’ll show you to the room myself,” he offered, hand stretched out to the door. 

Josh was the first to stand up, his hands still clinging to yours as you left your seat. The both of you silently followed Dimitri out of the study, barely paying attention to where you were going. He led you down the corridor and up one flight of stairs and then another. Why he chose the third floor for this bewildered you, but knowing Dimitri there was a reason. The thick mahogany door was already open, and inside there was a large bed in the corner, flanked by two night stands. A chaise lounge was across the room, accompanied by an antique coffee table in front of it. On both the coffee table and the night stands were stacks of towels and rags, presumably for any spilled blood. But in the far corner of the room, was a bay window that let you know you were in one of the turret rooms. Underneath the windows were bench seats built into the wall. 

Dimitri held up a small remote before placing it on the nightstand, “the sun will be up soon, so when you need the shutters you’ll have them.” Of course Dimitri would put sun-blocking shields on his windows. You don’t live as long as he had without crossing all your t’s and dotting all your i’s. 

“I umm…I have to call my brothers…,” Josh nearly stuttered out, looking at Dimitri. 

He looked skeptical at first but his expression softened, “very well, but if you attempt to bring the calvary here to save you, I can assure you it won’t end well for anyone involved.” 

With a deep inhale through his nose, Josh nodded, “understood.” 

Dimitri turned to you, “as I said in the study, anything you need, darling, and I’ll get it here. I have staff just outside the door, waiting for you.” 

“Th-thank you, Dimitri…,” you were still overwhelmed, the situation slowly sinking in.

“I’ll leave you to it then, I trust you know what to do,” his hand extended to your shoulder, giving a gentle squeeze. You nodded in response, and he quickly left the room, shutting the heavy door behind him. The loud click of the lock nearly echoed, reminding you this was your only path forward. 

“I ruined your life…,” you whispered as you sat on the couch. 

Josh was still standing in the middle of the room, staring off into space deep in thought, but your words snapped him out of it and he turned his head to you, “no you didn’t.” 

“It was my idea to bring you to the Den, it was my idea to ‘team up’ it was-”

In three strides he was beside you on that couch, cupping your face in his hands, “and I agreed every single time, and made the choice to go with you.”

 

You couldn’t stop the tears spilling down your cheeks, and his thumbs dutifully wiped each one away, “if we do this, you won’t be able to go back to your family. At least, I don’t know how they’d react-”

Josh sniffed, “I’m going to call Jake and Sam before anything happens…I don’t…I don’t know what I’m going to say but I have to let them know it’ll be awhile before I come back home.” He was trying so hard to be strong in your presence, to not let the situation get to him, but his hands shook against your cheeks, and he struggled to get his words out. 

“There’s something else, Josh,” he looked at you in confusion, “not every- not everyone who gets turned takes to their new existence well. It's not something one can predict beforehand, it's almost random in how new Vampire’s navigate the world.”

“You turned out fine,” he countered.

“Barely. Remember when I told you that the first decade was rough? I meant that. I wasn’t taught skills or control because my Maker-”

“Then I will be lucky to have a Maker as thoughtful as you to teach me how to correctly survive.” His eyes never left yours and his thumbs never stopped rubbing your cheeks. 

You wanted to smile at his confidence, but you needed to voice the elephant in the room, “Vampires like Ethan aren’t exactly…rare either…”

He understood what you were trying to say, “if I end up like Ethan…I’ll need you and Jake to do the right thing…” 

This made you crumble even more, “I’m not strong enough to do that…” 

His face got even more serious, “yes you are, and don’t forget that. I’m going to go call my brothers…and then we can get started, ok?”

With a shaky breath, you nodded. His hands left your face, and you deflated a little from the loss. He fished his phone out of his pocket and dialed as he stood up, making his way to the bay window and looking out into the night. The moon was full, but low in the sky, indicating that the sunrise was closer than he thought. 

After three rings, Jake picked up, “do you know what time it is? Some of us like sleeping at night.” The watery breath Josh exhaled into the speaker made every alarm bell go off in Jake’s head, “what's wrong? Did something happen?”

“No…but, well yes, but not what you think.”

“Josh, what the fuck are you talking about?” 

“We got caught, Jake. They umm…they figured out who I was and we were both brought in-”

“Brought in where?” Josh could hear rustling on the other end of the phone, indicating Jake was sitting up on the air mattress. 

“Just…some high level Vamps gave us an ultimatum and I took it.”

“Not their stupid fucking Council? Those fucking ghouls. What was the ultimatum?”

This was it, he had to tell him, “...that if I don’t want to be killed…I have to be turned…”

There was a deafening silence on the other end of the line, with only a gruff, “are you fucking kidding me,” to cut through it. 

“Turn your location on, I'll come get you.”

Josh looked up at the ceiling, eyes watery, “you can’t do that, man.” 

“The fuck you mean I can’t? I’ve gotten you out of worse.”

“They’ll kill you on the spot, and trust me the place I’m at has the muscle to even take you down.”

Another long silence, “...so you’re just going to roll over and let them turn you into one of those things? ‘Cause from how I see it, you’re getting killed either way.”

“Jake-”

“You’ll have to watch me get older than you and eventually-” his tone was becoming frantic. 

“We’re not going to think about that right now. This is my only chance. I’ll be…different but I’ll still be here.” 

“Who's doing it?” Now it was Josh’s turn to not speak, “oh how fucking poetic. They’re having her do it?! I knew it. I fucking knew it. You don’t think this was her plan all along?” 

Josh looked at you over his shoulder, you were still sitting on the couch with your hands in your lap. Because of your hearing, you were able to hear everything Jake said, and that last accusation made a fresh batch of tears roll down your face. 

He turned back around, beginning to get pissed off, “I can promise you it wasn’t.” 

After a few heavy breaths into the phone, Jake said, “...when is it happening?”

“Tonight.”

“I just…I don’t know what to say.”

“Me either, honestly.” 

“Mom and dad…wait, have you called Sammy?”

“No not yet, I was about to.”

“Please make sure you do, I don’t want him hearing about this second hand from anyone. You know how he gets....”

Josh nodded, “I know…”

“After you…afterwards…then what?”

Josh shrugged, “they made it sound like I was basically free to go afterwards…that my ‘new existence’ would be punishment enough.”

Jake revisited the same thoughts Josh had had downstairs in the study. Hunters viewed being turned as the ultimate failure, a spit in the face of their life's work. Turning Josh would definitely make a statement, and a warning, to the entire hunter community. 

Jake turned the phone to hide the sniff he made, but Josh heard it anyway, “I need you to come back as soon as you can, got it?”

“I will, I just…can’t promise you when that’ll be.” 

“Just promise me you’ll come back.”

“I promise.”

“I’m not saying ‘goodbye’ either, I can’t do that.”

“I wouldn’t want you to,” Josh sniffed again.

“Call Sammy,” was all Jake said before he hung up. Josh knew he didn’t hang up to be rude, but he knew his twin couldn’t handle this information. He instantly dialed Sam’s number, but it kept going to voicemail. He called him five more times, before sighing in defeat and settling for a voicemail. He felt horrible that he had to leave it at that, but it didn’t seem like Sam was anywhere near his phone. He glanced at the sky, noting the full moon again. This also meant that Sam’s best friend, Danny, wasn’t able to be reached tonight either. Fuck. The phone beeped and he began his little speech, mumbling his way through it but trying his best to sound strong for his younger brother. Eventually he hung up and turned back to you.

“So…how does this happen?”

You gulped and stood up, walking over to him, “I umm…I have to d-drain you…completely, and when you’re at the brink of d-death, you drink my blood.”

Josh nodded, “and then?”

“You’ll fall asleep, and you’ll stay asleep for at least a few days. It differs from person to person. I was out for at least two nights. And even after that it's common to sleep a lot those first few weeks as your body changes and adjusts.” You reached up and cradled his jaw, “but don’t worry, I won’t go anywhere. You’re not leaving my sight the entire time.” 

Overwhelmed by it all, Josh crashed his lips into yours, needing something to ground himself. You kissed him back, pouring every bit of emotion you could into it. 

Eventually he pulled back just enough to say, “how do you want to do it?” 

“Any way you want, honestly,” you looked over at the bed, “the bed would be the most comfortable.”

He nodded, “ok then, the bed it is.” He walked over and stripped off his shirt and shorts, leaving himself in his underwear as he started turning down the thick covers. He wasn’t sure how much blood there would be, but if the amount of towels on the nightstand and coffee table were any indication, it wasn’t going to be a ‘clean’ process. 

Following his lead, you took your own shirt off and shimmied off your leggings, leaving yourself in your underwear and a random sports bra you found in your drawer. As you stood next to him, you realized both of you were a little stumped as to what to do next. Obviously knew what to do, but going about it was the question. 

While you pondered you glanced up at your hunter, and noted all of his earrings, “are those silver?” 

He nodded and then it dawned on him, “oh…I’ll have to take them out won’t I?”

“Yeah…but I can get you new ones. The holes won’t close up during…it all.”

Josh was a bit surprised, “really?” 

“Its weird I know but for some reason most piercings stay-”

“No I meant…you don’t have to get me new ones.” 

“Oh but I want to, they look so good on you,” finally, a genuine smile slid across your face. 

Josh started taking them out one by one and placing them on the nightstand. The second you smiled he relaxed a lot more. He needed normalcy. 

Wanting to keep the mood light, you reached up and gently touched the shaved sides of his head, “you’re also lucky I really like this haircut on you.” 

His eyes went wide as he dropped the last ear cuff on the wooden surface, “will it not grow back at all?”

“It will, just very slowly. Your fingernails will still grow too,” you reached out and threaded your fingers with his, another thought occurring to you, “you know…we never even really defined whatever this,” you gestured between you two, “is.” 

Josh stood there for a second, looking at you, before bringing both hands to your face and securing his lips to yours, he pulled away less than an inch from your face and said, “I think…you’re mine, and that's all that matters. Don’t you think so?”

Another real smile, this time closer to the smirk he loved so much, “mine?”

“Mine,” he whispered that word all over your face, planting soft kisses to any skin he could reach. Your arms wrapped around his waist, bringing him closer. His lips found home against yours, and for a few moments you lazily made out next to the bed. With your eyes closed, you were able to pretend for a moment you were back in his attic apartment, standing on those cold wooden floors about to be utterly taken by your lover on those god-awful plaid sheets. But as he pulled away, your eyes fluttered open, and the reality of where you were, and what you were about to do hit you again. A wave of emotion swept over you again, but you refused to let any tears fall. If you were going to be a Maker, you had to be strong for him. He needed you to be his rock right now. 

“I’m assuming the neck is the best place to umm…get it done?” 

Your eyes softened even more at him, “typically yes. The wrist is too slow and the thigh is too fast, the neck gives you the best control.” This was explained to you many times over the years by different Vampires. “I think…what would be the most comfortable, if you want, would be if I sat up against the headboard and you leaned against me?” 

“That makes sense,” he said quietly. 

You grabbed some of the towels and spread them out over the bed and pillows, just in case. When you were finished you turned back to Josh, only to find him walking towards the bay window. The sky was a soft pink, indicating the sun was rising. Carefully, you walked towards him, sticking to the shadows in the room. 

“I just…I needed to see it…” 

He didn’t need to explain himself to you, you understood. It was quite possibly the last time he’d be able to look at the sun without pain. His eyes were trained to the horizon, and as the sun greeted the new day, you finally got to see what those beautiful eyes of his looked in the sunlight. The wish you had made the night you met him in that bar. Those big brown eyes were illuminated into a molten honey color, and for once you were actually grateful for the sun to give this to you. 

He turned to you, giving you an even better view, “what?”

You shook your head from the still-shaded part of the room and smiled, “just looking at you, Boy Scout.” 

Josh gave one final look out the window, before turning away from it completely and walking over to join you in the shadow. He took your hand and led you back to the bed. You looked down at the little remote that Dimitri had left behind, and plucked it off the surface and studied it. There were only a few buttons on it, making it easy to decipher, and after hitting a few of them thick shades descended from the top of the windows, sealing them shut from the outside world. 

“Fancy…,” Josh mused as you turned on the nearest lamp. 

“He spares no expense,” you agreed as you crawled in the bed. You fluffed a few pillows behind you before fully sitting up against the headboard. Your hunter’s heartbeat sped up, you didn’t even have to try too hard to hear it. It made your own heart twinge, but you sat up a little bit more and held your hand out to him. He gladly took it as he got into the bed, turning around and leaning back against your chest. You softly brought your arms around his chest, giving him as good of a hug as you could in that position. He slowly tilted his head to the side, giving you full access to the left side of his neck. 

Your fingertips caressed his jawline while you stared down at him, “are you ready?”

“Is anyone?”

“If you need a few more minutes that's perfectly fine, Josh.”

“No no, I’m…I’m ready.” 

“Just remember, I’m not going anywhere.” He brought one of your hands to his lips and gave the back an open mouthed kiss before craning his neck and giving you one last kiss. Pulling away, he slipped back into position, and closed his eyes. 

Your fangs descended from your gums, and before you could hesitate even more, you drove them into the soft flesh of his neck. Josh flinched slightly, and you quickly gathered his hands in your free hand, letting him squeeze and cling as hard as he needed to. Your other hand continued to gently rub his jaw and cheek, comforting him as best you could. Draining someone was different from your typical feeding bite. You had to be more deliberate, with deeper pulls and less finesse. You couldn’t even enjoy the citrusy accents in his blood, or that fresh vanilla, no, you just had to get it all. 

Josh relaxed more in your arms as the draining progressed. You still paid close attention to his slowing heart rate, listening for the time you instinctively would know to give him your blood. It felt like it was taking too long and also flying by at the same time. As a Vampire, the whole process felt bizarre, but you were determined to get everything right. Your hunter deserved nothing but the best. 

~!~

Across the country, through a few different time zones, a young scholar was sitting across an icy blonde. Mounds of papers and stacks of books were scattered around the room, the only light coming from the various table lamps around the basement office. The scholar stood up to go to his other desk, and after shuffling around the stacks of documents he had been translating, he found his phone that had gone missing some hours before. The screen lit up with six missed calls from Josh, and a slew of texts from Jake telling him to pick up his phone. At the top of his notifications was a voicemail from his oldest brother. Confused, he unlocked his phone to listen to it. 

“Sam…Sammy it's Josh. I umm, I got into some trouble with this job, and I probably won’t be home for a while. I don’t need you to freak out, I’ve already talked to Jake. Call him after you get this, he’ll explain further. But umm….but basically I was given a choice. You know how Vampire’s can be…I’m sorry I’m being vague. But…I was going to be killed if I didn’t agree to…to be turned…and that's what's going to happen now. I wanted to tell you this myself, but you’re probably busy with your work. Which, sorry for always calling your college Hogwarts. You’re only one of us with any sort of degree, and I’ll always be proud of you for that. Sorry for stealing those files from you a few months ago, I’ll get them back to you, I promise. I’m not going anywhere, Sammy, but I’ll be…different from now on. But I’ll be back, it might not seem like it, I can promise you I’m in safe hands. This isn’t a goodbye, Sam, but I needed you to hear this from me before anyone else. I’m rambling now but…I love you-” 

The voicemail cut off, and Sam’s hands were shaking so bad the phone dropped onto the desk with a loud clatter, startling the blonde. 

“Sam, what is it,” she asked as she adjusted her cat eye glasses. 

He turned to her, knees suddenly weak, “I umm…I need to call Danny…I need Danny.”

She checked the time on her own phone and her heart sank, “Sam the moon is still out…”

The realization caused him to lean against the desk, and the sudden collapse had the blonde on her feet and over to him instantly. In the years she had known him she had never seen him like this, and she wondered what the hell he had heard on his phone. 

“Sam…come on Sam tell me what’s wrong,” he leaned down on her, burying his face into her shoulder. 

“I don’t know what to do…” he all but whimpered as his world as he knew it shattered. 

~!~

Josh’s heart rate was slow, so slow now, you knew it was time. Reluctantly you drew your hand out of his as you removed your fangs from his neck. Quickly you bit into your wrist, drawing blood and using your other hand to open his mouth. Your wrist rested against his lips as you made sure to drip as much of your blood as you could into his system. You began to worry when he didn’t react to the blood, but within seconds you felt his lips seal against your wrist, and you felt him pull from you. Relief flooded through you and you whispered praises into his ear. You weren’t sure if he could hear you, but for both of your sakes you hoped he did. 

He started to relax again, and you knew he was about to fall into that deep slumber between being alive and…one of the undead. 

Before he slipped under completely, you whispered one last time, “now come back to me, Boy Scout..”

To be continued…

Tag List:  @dannyandthekiszkas , @gretasmokerising , @sinners-go-to-drink-the-wine , @wideminded-dreamer , @runwayblues , @wildbluesorbit , @llightmyllovee , @rhythm-of-space , @sacredthefran , @writingcold , @alwaysonthemend , @wetkleenex-gvf , @josh-iamyour-mama , @lightsofthe-living-gvf , @gvfcinema , @sacredthethreadgvf , @losfacedevil , @jakekiszkasbuttsweat , @shutupdevvie , @hearts-hunger , @gretavanfleetposts , @ascendingtostardust , @mackalah , @andromeda-raine-gvf , @jake-kiszkas-smirk , @gracev0609 , @sacredjake , @earthlysorrows , @gvfpal , @myownparadise96 , @itsafullmoon , @gvfmelbourne , @twistedmelodies , @that-witchy-pan , @gold-mines-melting , @texas-bbq-pringles , @jakekiszkapunchmeintheface , @sadiechar , @char289 , @stardustvanfleet ,

[whatswrongwithblue]

The Fire in the Sin

Chapter 18 - Welcome (Back) to Heaven

Word count: 4,246. Read on AO3. Series Masterlist. <- Previous Chapter.

Summary: Alastor and Mina's anniversary and a little epilogue for Part 6. TW: mentions of past suicidal thoughts.

Artwork by @lustylita. Please give her a follow, her Alastor artwork is the best!

Series Summary:

In the 1950's, Alastor met the woman he would eventually marry but unfortunately his Radio Demon persona went for her soul rather than her hand. He has to learn what it means to love, and cherish, without possessing and he does. Their relationship is beautiful, strong, unbreakable . . . but he carries a dark secret through their marriage for decades until eventually he has to face the consequences of that secret and leave her, without warning, for seven years. He returns, finding her at the Hazbin Hotel, and has to convince her to forgive him, while being literally bound to secrecy, unable to tell her any of things he now is desperate to explain to her.

(This is a duel timeline fic, timestamps will be a the top of every chapter.)

Chapter 18 - Welcome (Back) to Heaven

Present Day

Mina was stuck in her own head as she made her way back to her and Alastor’s room.

She was hurt he wasn’t there and embarrassed by the conversation downstairs when Niffty had announced to everyone that it was their anniversary. That led to reflecting on their wedding day, his proposal, and the events with Kassandra that had led up to it. And anytime she let her mind wander there, it eventually led to her remembering the hour of her and Alastor’s finest debauchery that day in the church. They had never been able to top that day, because it had been such a perfect storm of anger, trauma, love and lust, and delayed gratification, that had all boiled over far more than they had even meant for it to.

God she missed Alastor.

How had she gone seven years without him? Now that he was back a single day felt unbearable. And she had been waiting since his return specifically for this day, had patiently planned out her gifts for years because of his absence and now he wasn’t there again.

Mina felt a painful lump forming in her throat as she approached her bedroom door. She was so sick of crying. She hated crying, hated feeling sorry for herself, prided herself in not being the kind of woman that broke down over every little fucking thing-

She opened the door and there was Alastor, in their bedroom, which was now covered in dark red and black roses.

He was sitting in one of the two armchairs by the fireplace that was almost never used because it was Hell and it was always too warm anyway, but he had it going now. Light green flames illuminated the small space and they felt like they were putting off cool air while keeping the ambiance warm and inviting. Mina wondered if there would ever come a day when his powers would cease to amaze her.

Alastor also looked like he had been very bored, waiting for her to return. He had one leg crossed over the other, his chin resting in the palm of one hand, with his elbow supporting himself as it propped him up against the arm of the chair, and he had clearly been lost in his thoughts as he watched the fireplace.

His head shot up as she opened the door and he smiled pleasantly at her before standing.

“Really Mina,” he said as he stood, “you were down there for so long, I was beginning to worry I would have to ruin the surprise and come get you myself.”

She practically ran to him and threw her arms around his neck, pulling him into a tight embrace that he eagerly returned.

“You’re here,” she said with a sigh of relief, pressing her face into his collar to better feel his warmth and breath in his scent.

“Of course!” he said cheerfully, but then she pulled away and he really looked at her face, and she watched as his eyebrows creased with concern. “You were starting to have your doubts, weren’t you?”

Mina felt a bit embarrassed that he had read her so easily and smothered that emotion down with defensiveness. “So I get a little jumpy when you’re not around. I have my reasons to be.”

“Oh, Mina,” he said, for once ignoring the bite in her tone and opting to take the apologetic road right away. He cupped her cheek and kissed her, a short and sweet press of his lips to hers. “I intend to be here for every one of these days, for as long as you and I exist. I never meant . . . well it doesn’t matter now, I suppose, but I promise you’ll never miss me like that again.”

“Then the rest of the day . . . it’s ours, right?” she asked.

“I have to leave again first thing tomorrow, I’m afraid, but yes. I have cleared my schedule for the rest of the day. All duties to the hotel have been seen to and as for my other responsibilities, well let’s just say I’ve made sure we will not be bothered.”

Mina smiled and relaxed, fully believing his promise, and let herself really look around the room.

“It’s beautiful in here. Not your usual style, though.”

“Eh, I can be flexible,” he said with a grin. “Besides, I have a lot of lost time to make up for.”

She was not going to complain. Alastor was not the kind of man to bring home flowers or any kind of romantic trinkets. Not that he never did, but she could probably count on one hand how many times he had. If he was apt to show any inclination for romance, he would rather show it by wanting to spend time with her than by giving her what he looked at as useless and meaningless gifts. It wasn’t necessarily a wrong perspective and it never bothered Mina too much, but what woman didn’t want flowers now and then? And now she had a room full of them, their heady scent filling the air, and they blended strangely well with their usual décor. The roses weren’t the common variety seen in Hell. Not a one of them had an eye in the center and the thorns were of perfectly unremarkable size. He had summoned these, created them out of his own magic, just for her.

“I have some gifts for you, too,” she said, with a nervous little bounce on the balls of her feet.

“Oh, well, these,” he said, gesturing at the roses with a chuckle, “these are not an anniversary gift. Not really. Think of them more as an apology. I have something a bit more substantial to give you, but you first, ma cher.”

“Okay,” she said with a shaky breath and went over to her dresser drawer. Bending down to the lower drawer, she pulled it all the way out, and reached deep into the back of the dresser, pulling out a cloth drawstring bag, which she then held behind her back.

“I’ve held onto these for a while now,” she admitted. “First, I just wanted to give them to you when you . . .well whenever you got back. But then I was mad at you. And well you know all that. But then, I don’t know, it didn’t seem like the right time, and then I knew our anniversary was coming up, so I held onto them even longer figuring that would be the right time . . .”

He was watching her babble on, his smile soft and relaxed, clearly a little amused by her obvious nervousness.

“Well, just . . . here.”

With her hands still behind her back, she took the bottle out of the bag and presented it to him.

It was a bottle of Old Overhold straight rye whiskey, bottled in 1930.

Alastor looked completely stunned as he turned it over in his hands, examining the label.

“I don’t know if that was your favorite brand to drink when you were alive. I – I don’t even know if it’s considered good whiskey, but it’s legitimate. It’s been stored properly and unopened.”

“How did you get this?” he asked, looking at her with amazement that made her blush.

“Let’s just say I stumbled upon it while looking around New Orleans.”

His eyebrows shot up, looking considerably more surprised. “You went to New Orleans?”

She thought he was upset and wrung her hands, feeling like she had somehow intruded on his privacy.

“I just thought, maybe if you were on Earth . . . I don’t know, I didn’t know where to even begin looking for you. And I just . . . missed you. And there was so much in that city that reminded me of you, so sometimes, even when I felt like I was on a dead end, I would just go there and-“

“Mina,” he said, stopping her. “Thank you. Really. It’s lovely. And quite impressive.”

“Really?” she asked, and he nodded, opening the antique bottle and bringing it to his nose.

He closed his eyes as the scent hit him and his smile lit up his face.

“You have outdone yourself, my love,” he said.

“Not really,” she said, biting her lip, tugging on the skin with one long canine. “There’s more.”

He put the top back on the bottle and raised an eyebrow at her.

She brought the drawstring bag in front of her and with trembling hands, reached into the bag and pulled out an envelope.

“They’re polaroids,” she said, handing the visibly shaking envelope to him, and quickly snatching her hand away when he took it from her. “Of your mother’s grave.”

“What?”

He was standing as if frozen in place, holding the envelope out in front of him, his arm stuck in the position it had been when he had taken it from her.

“I found it,” she said quietly. “Years ago. Maybe 5 now? And it was neglected quite badly. So I cleaned it up. It took forever. I even had to get my hands on a power washer,” she chuckled nervously. “And I can’t even really say why, but I took pictures of my progress of it. And then, whenever I had the time to spare, I still stopped by and left flowers. I just . . . I remember you saying once sunflowers were her favorite, so I tried to get those when I could . . .”

She trailed off as Alastor walked away from her. He sat on the edge of their bed and pulled the pictures out, silently looking through them.

His expression was truly unreadable to her. Alastor’s smile was thin and tight, his eyes were narrowed, and his ears were straight forward and unmoving. Mina worried she had taken things too far. She watched as he swallowed hard as he looked at the last couple of photos, his eyebrows knitted close together.

“Shit, I’m sorry,” she said quickly. “Al’, love, I’m really sorry.”

“This last one was taken the date of the last extermination,” he said in a low voice.

“What?” she said, confused.

“The dates,” he explained, holding up the photo. “They’re stamped in the top corner of each photo.”

“Oh, I hadn’t noticed,” she mumbled.

“That’s what you were doing when you disappeared before the extermination?”

Mina tried to shrug it off. “The job I was on was a quick one. I thought I would have more time so yeah, I did.”

“Why?”

The pure confusion on his face made her snap.

“Because I was mad at you!” she yelled. “Because you were gone, for so long, and I missed you, so fucking much! Every day! It was the most painful and awful feeling that I couldn’t ever turn off. God Alastor, how do you still not understand that?! And I didn’t mean for it to happen, but I started talking to her, whenever I was at her grave. It made me feel like . . . like there was someone else out there that knew what it was like to miss you, so much-“ she stopped as her voice broke, and she wiped away a tear impatiently. “And then you were back and everything was fucked. Everything was wrong. The day you came back should have been the happiest day of my life but it all went wrong. And I had no one to talk to that understood you the way I did.”

Alastor sat the photos down next to him and stood up from the bed. Then he walked back over to her and kissed her.

She melted into the kiss right away, finding immediate comfort in the way his lips caressed hers. Her eyes closed, making the last of her tears fall down her face, but she was soothed by his embrace, no longer feeling like she was on the edge of a breakdown.

He broke the kiss but still held her close, resting his chin on the top of her head between her ears.

“Thank you, Mina. I really can’t say . . .” he began but went quiet as his own voice began to crack, and not from the static. After a couple of breaths, he composed himself enough to say, “There are simply no words.”

“It’s okay then?” she said, pulling away enough to look up at his face.

“It’s more than okay,” he assured her. “I’m sorry you thought it wouldn’t be.”

“I just didn’t want to come across as intrusive,” she said, suddenly feeling silly at how emotional she had become.

He laughed then and kissed her forehead. “You intrude and invade my privacy every day that you are in my life. And every day that goes by, I’m surprised to say that I don’t hate it. That, my love, is why I married you.”

Mina laughed too, somehow understanding exactly what he meant.

“Now,” he said, raising up a finger and stepping away from her, “shall we continue with this invasive and emotional exchange? Because it’s feeling a little lopsided at the moment.”

“Okay,” Mina giggled, though she was eyeing him suspiciously. “Give me your worst.”

She couldn’t imagine what he could give her that would compare to her gift and was even more confused when he suddenly had a vinyl record in his hand. A very modern looking record.

“As it turns out,” he began explaining as he set the large disc down on the record player he had set aside to the left of the fireplace, “there was a singer/poet that died in 1917 that left a lot of her work unpublished. And because of all the red tape surrounding things like publishing rights and what have you, they stayed unknown to the general public for several decades. And then finally, just a few years ago, they were old enough to not have to worry about complications with copywrite infringement. And this long dead singer, who kept all these works a secret because she thought they would be too dark for people to enjoy, never got to know how much this modern world loved her.”

Mina’s heart began to pound all the way up in her ears. She thought she might be sick. There was no way, no way, those hidden works of hers would be enjoyed up on Earth. Alastor must be confused somehow.

“Anyway, this is just one record with one supposed modern version of something Mina Gallagher wrote long ago. But it was one I could easily get my hands on and supposedly it’s the most well-known cover of her work. Millions of copies of this record have been sold all over Earth.”

He snapped his fingers and the record began to scratch as he magically fast forwarded the vinyl to begin playing the song he was after.

A voice that sounded remarkably like hers, just singing a tad bit deeper than she had initially imagined the lyrics to be sung, came from the large speaker and Mina walked in a trance to a chair by the fireplace, feeling like she was in a dream as she recognized the words.

Looking up from underneath

Fractured moonlight on the sea

Reflections still look the same to me

As before I went under

And it’s peaceful in the deep

Cathedral where you cannot breathe

No need to pray, no need to speak

Now I am under all . . .

It was supposed to have been her suicide note.

A message left to the world of the perfect death she had imagined for herself, as she fell into the dark, deep embrace of the ocean. The death that had been stolen from her in a bizarre turn of events that involved an ex-lover and a black jaguar.

“Mina?” Alastor said her name, sounding very concerned by her reaction.

He had no idea what the song was about. She had never told him about her fantasy of suicide, just that she had been already nearly dead from tuberculosis when Johnathan had attacked her.

Alastor must have just thought the song was pretty, and darkly romantic, as so many of her songs were. He couldn’t have been prepared for the onslaught of emotions that she hadn’t let herself feel in so very long.

He said her name again and then reached for the record player as if to stop it but she stood up from her chair and laid her hand on his arm.

“It’s okay,” she said. “Let it play.”

She would tell him later, on another day, what the song had meant to her. But she didn’t want to spoil their afternoon together by talking about such sad business as that.

But as she listened to the song go on, as she waited for those emotions to hit her, she felt very little. All that pain and misery, of bitterness and hate she felt towards a world she believed had utterly failed her, just wouldn’t rise to the surface. The burning hot anger had faded away apparently, over many years, without her realizing it.

And the realization of that, of having moved on so completely, was the greatest gift Alastor had ever given her.

“I’m just surprised is all,” Mina tried to explain without giving away the bit of existentialism she was currently experiencing. “And this singer, she really does the song justice. I never got to sing this one myself. Lungs were too shot to Hell by the time I wrote it. How did you find all this out?”

Alastor looked relieved but then shook his head sadly. “I’m afraid I can’t tell you even half of the story, and the half that I can say right now just wouldn’t make much sense. Someday though, I promise I will.”

“You’re making lots of promises today,” she teased, and then only half joking, "are you sure you can keep them all?”  

“Hhhhmmmm,” he said with an evil grin and pulled her in, beginning to sway them both to the slow rhythm of the song. “Just try and stop me.”

___

True to his word, the next day Alastor was gone before Mina woke up. But the night before had been so remarkable, it left her feeling still quite sated and loved, more than enough to get her through the rest of the day without him.

It was a day out on the town, like they used to have when their marriage was simple and full of nothing but happiness. And when evening came, they went to dinner and then he had taken her dancing. The dance hall was one of their old favorites, a classier place for Sinners with less obvious vices and more refined tastes for what they took pleasure in. A place where manners were kept and the atmosphere less gluttonous. A place for Hell’s most dangerous demons who didn’t have to flaunt their debaucherous natures for show. Alastor and Mina had always been welcomed there and they were greeted with a warm welcome when they stepped through those doors for the first time in several years.

Alastor made a spectacle of them on the dance floor. He twirled and bent her around with moves that required skill and grace from them both, proving they hadn’t lost their touch. Then, with slower songs, he held her close, his hips doing wicked things against her, his hands either scandalously close to her breasts or low on her thighs, his breath hot and flirtatious against the skin of her neck. He never kissed her or let his touch become too brazen, but it was enough to reclaim her as his in the eyes of the public and more than enough to tease her until she was at the very edge of her restraint, ready to let him take her completely, right there on the dance floor.

When they got back to their room, they had shared a bit of the bottle of whiskey she had gotten him, playing a lover’s game of who could hold out the longest, letting their eyes linger on each other and more than a few suggestive teasing remarks were made between them.

Then he had broached the subject of the song again and despite what she had thought earlier that day about keeping the truth of it to herself a little while longer, she told him. Everything. At least, what she could remember, given how much opium she had been on in those final months of her life.

And she was still surprised at how incredibly okay she was talking about it. She didn’t cry or lose herself in the memories like she had been afraid she would. It had happened so long ago, and while the feelings those memories brought on were painful, they were overshadowed by the wonderful new life she had made for herself after death. A life she had carefully made and earned for herself. She had remade herself into something stronger than what she had been in life, and that reward was only made sweeter by the man who had then found her, pealed away her layers, and loved what he had discovered.

They made slow, drunken love after that. It was the most tender and sweetest it had been since his return, both of them finally feeling like the walls that had been keeping them apart finally crumbling into nothing. Even if Alastor still had to keep some secrets from her, Mina was finding that obstacle easier to navigate with each passing day.

And Alastor, of course, played Kassandra’s screams for her on his radio as they fell asleep together.

____

When she came down the staircase the next morning and met with the other residents in the lobby, who hadn’t even caught a glimpse of Mina since the morning before, they all looked a little confused.

“And where did you end up taking off to for the rest of the day?” Angel asked.

“Celebrating my anniversary,” she said with a proud smile but refused to say anything else on the subject.

She was in such a good mood that she even agreed to go out to the club with the others when Cheri showed up, though she turned up her nose a bit when they said they were going to a sex club. Luckily, Husker seemed just as uncomfortable with the idea as she did, and for once the two feline demons seem to agree to get along for an evening. They spent most of the night downing drink after drink on a couch away from the dance floor and sex rooms, and talking shit about the other people they were watching, until they were both pleasantly drunk.

At one point, Angel brought them a sobbing and completely langered Niffty, who then instantly perked up as she stood on their shoulders between them, calling them insulting but adorable cat-related nicknames.

“Why do I gotta entertain this shit, she’s your fucking pet,” Husk muttered, trying to be grumpy, but unable to hide the pleased look on his face as Niffty gave him a particular good scratch behind one of his ears.

“She’s not my pet, she’s Alastor’s,” Mina defended. “But I do love her just the same, so try not to be a dick about it.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he huffed, but Mina could tell he wasn’t nearly as grumpy as he was pretending to be, the little fond smile on his face as he glanced over at Niffty giving him away.

Niffty’s shoes were starting to dig into their shoulders and Mina directed her to sit down, but rather than join them on the seat like a normal person would, Niffty of course chose to sit on the back of the sofa, letting her legs dangle between them.

Then her hands shot out and she was grabbing at their ears.

“How come all the cats at the hotel have black fur? Even Keekee. Are you guys related?”

“Niffty, that’s racist,” Mina said, pulling her head away and freeing her sensitive ear from her grip but with an amused snort from Husk, they all began laughing.

Then he looked over at Mina as if just considering something. “Hey, where is Alastor anyway?”

Mina laughed into her glass, spitting the drink back as she failed to take a proper sip through her giggles.

“I have no fucking idea!” she said and broke into another fit of intoxicated laughter.

“Me neither!” Niffty shouted and joined in on the laughing hysteria.

Husker looked at the two women as if they had lost their minds, but their laughter was infectious, and after a moment, he began to laugh as well.

Later on, after she had proudly watched Angel stand up to Valentino, she made sure to make eye contact with the Overlord. He had spotted her after Niffty had assaulted him, his eyes angrily following the petite woman as she danced away.

She folded her arms and quirked an eyebrow at him, daring him to come after Niffty with her standing right there, and began laughing again when he broke eye contact and went back to his V.I.P. spot at the club.

Mina escorted Niffty towards the front door, who proudly showed off the fur she had ripped from Valentino’s jacket.

“Good for you!” Mina shouted, loud enough to Valentino to hear, and gave Niffty a high five.

Who needed redemption when life in Hell was this good?

Next Chapter ->

Author's Note: The song Alastor plays for Mina is "Never Let Me Go" by Florence and the Machine. Every other song of Mina's in this fic are original songs written by myself, but that song was just so damn perfectly Mina that it inspired a huge chunk of the first chapter she appeared in. And I feel like if there was a real Mina Gallagher, Florence Welch would have been a big fan of hers.

@inuhalfdemon @saccharine-nectarine @whoknowswhoiamtoday

[moongothic]

Yeah hello hi I've been falling deep into the Crocodad Rabbithole and my brain is being consumed by small crocodile-shaped worms

So I've done what any reasonable person would do, I went back to rewatch some scenes from Alabasta and Marinford to psychoanalyze Crocodile and try to figure out what the fuck his deal is because genuinely the more I think about it the more questions I have and the more I want answers. And because I'm deranged I need to write all my thoughts down into an incoherent essay and release it into the world

So please, come along with me while and let's be Extremely Normal About Sir Crocodile Together and speculate about his ~Secret Past~

Quick note, my quickest access to some of these episodes is either through unsubbed episodes (not bothering with getting screenshots since there's no subs, also my Japanese is plenty good enough to not need it here) or through Ancient, Questionable Fansubs so don't get too hung up on the phrasing in the subbed screenshots- like they're not entirely inaccurate but y'know

The reason I want to do this is just that... Like I've been a fan of OP since 2008, when I was in middle school. I don't think I ever really tried to think deeper about this series in general at that time, because I was a kid. For a long time to me Crocodile had just been Some Greedy Asshole who tried to take over a country to obtain a tool of mass destruction and IDK destroy the world? Just a very classic Bad Guy McVillianMan, because I had not bothered to think about his character and question anything before.

But now I have brainworms due to the Crocodad Theory, and this is fucking One Piece, you never fucking know how deep a rabbithole can go with this bloody series. So let's go, let's try to figure out what the fuck is Crocodile's deal, because I need to get these brainworms out of my fucking system

I just want to start with this one quick throw-away line because it's kind of a sidenote. Also like. This is such a funny fucking thing for Crocodile to say if he is Luffy's dad. Like.

That's so fucking funny if he's Luffy's dad holy shit

But what really gets me here is that like... Like while I'm like 70% sure Crocodile is trans, there's still a part of me that's like "there's no fucking way Crocodad is real". Let alone, this be some kind of a hint Oda planted to suggest that this early on. Like it sounds absurd. And yet at this point in One Piece, Oda had already started planning out and laying out the groundwork for so many lore and plot-relevant concepts, ranging from shit like everything about Robin, the Poneglyphs, the Ancient Weapons etc. He had already started the "Prince Sanji ARG" (aka dropping the tiniest fucking hints to Sanji's Hidden Backstory that people were able to pick up on and make accurate predictions with about Sanji's backstory). There's fucking Laboon, and about a bajillion other things. And possibly most importantly, by this point Oda had already revealed both Luffy's father and grandfather to the readers, not to mention he even introduced Ace and vaguely hinted at Sabo! It's not like Oda had everything perfectly planned out from the very begining, that is objectively not the case at all. But it also literally would not be unlike Oda to drop hints to a character's backstory like this. He has been doing that for years, and had already started by the time we met Crocodile. Like it feels insane and yet it's perfectly plausible. And if he had Luffy's dad, grandfather and two siblings planned out in his head already at this point, it should not be that much of a stretch to believe that Oda knows and no doubt has known for the past two decades who Luffy's mom is (regardless of if that's Crocodile or not)

All this to say. Crocodile's comment about what Cobra said to Vivi when they reunited is a funny, sarcastic comment. But it would take a whole new meaning if Crocodad was real. Because it really would be perfectly normal if he did/had wondered what he would say to his long lost child if they were ever reunited. And really that just makes his roast turn sad.

Anyways

In Alabasta, we do get a very clear image that Crocodile does not like the World Government, not just because he's a Big Meanie Pirate who wants to conquer the world, but because he does seem to look down on how the Marines + World Government do their "justice" (which, y'know, knowing what we know now about the Government. Fair. That's entirely fair.)

He also dislikes Vivi's "idealism" of wanting to save everyone without bloodshed or anyone losing their lives (especially for her sake)

We learn that he is a broken man with broken dreams. Also he seems to be aware where he (supposedy) belongs in the Grand Line's power hierarchy, as in, he needs Pluton because he knows he's not strong enough in combat that he could take down anyone, let alone the World Government by himself (though he would still make a beeline for Whitebeard's head the second he saw him at Marinford, which, y'know, bold move)

And of course, we learn in Impel Down that Crocodile and Iva-chan have some beef. We can not say for 100% sure what that beef is (like the theory he's trans is very obvious and plausible, but until Oda spills the beans we won't know for a fact what the beef is), but we know that they knew each other. And if Crocodile knew Iva-chan, a high-ranking founding member of the Revolutionary Army, then it is genuinely plausible that Crocodile could also have known Dragon and/or been a member of the Revolutionary Army as well.

Since overthrowing the World Nobles and the Government are the Revolutionary Army's goal, the fact that they're trying to obtain weapons and people for their cause etc, Crocodile's view of the Government and his "Operation Utopia" does kind of align with the Revolutionary Army's

But we did also learn from Iva that "Crocoboy" isn't quite trustworthy. Needless to say, even if Croc used to be a part of the Army, he most certainly left YEARS ago, and clearly not on good terms.

Also, an interesting note, is that at Marineford when Luffy and co finally arrive at the battlefield (episode 466, 17:25 minutes in), when Garp spots the group, he makes a specific comment about Crocodile being there together with the revolutionaries and the prison escapees, believing they can't all be here to fight for the same cause. Which is an interesting thing for him to point out specifically. Like Jinbei was another powerful person who entered that battlefield at the same time, and while Jinbei did clarify to Sengoku that he's quitting being a Shichibukai and was there to save Ace, it's still maybe a little odd Garp didn't think it was worth mentioning that Jinbei had also "allied" with the prison escapees and the revolutionaries to enter the battlefield. Like it was Crocodile only whom he thought needed to be pointed out. I don't think Garp's comment adds at all to Crocodad because it would frankly make little to no sense (like we're all assuming Crocodile didn't know Dragon's lastname, which is why he never realized Luffy was his son (despite knowing Luffy's lastname), but if Crocodile knew Garp was Dragon's father then surely he'd realize Dragon's lastname would be Monkey, right), but it could maybe add to the idea that Crocodile might've been a part of the Revolutionary Army in the past, as Garp could be aware of something like that, thus he'd be puzzled by Crocodile's presencee. Point is, it's an interesting comment, make of it what you will

EDIT 2: Ended up going back to reread parts of Marineford and turns out ^that^ was an anime-only addition from Toei. Like Garp does make a comment about how these people probs aren't at the battlefield for the same reasons but did not specifically point out Crocodile or anything. So. I wasted enough time adding these paragraphs to the post, I ain't deleting 'em. But y'know.

EDIT: Minor addition, because I just remembered how Crocodile really went like out of his way to taunt Vivi about how she "can't stop the rebellion" and save her people. Which, y'know, is a perfectly normal Villian Thing To Do. But we know Crocodile does not think fondly of the World Nobles just like he dislikes the Government. Even if Cobra was a "good monarch" who genuinely cared for his people, he was still a king, and the Nefertari family and the Kingdom of Alabasta were a part of the World Government. The thing Crocodile specifically wanted to destroy. And this is just another one of those "surely that wasn't somekinda foreshadowing" but god fucking dammit what if Crocodile telling a(n unknowing) representative of the World Government that she can't stop "the rebellion", or the revolution if I may, (regardless of if he's allied with them or not) was actually meant to be like foreshadowing. Oda I swear to fucking god---

Anyway, so, Crocodile might've been a part of the Revolutionary Army at one point (the army was formed after the Ohara Incident 22 years ago, and for Crocodad Theorizing, Luffy was born 19 years ago), but if he did he must have left on bad terms for unknown reasons, and we can tell that although his goals in general could vaguely match that of the Revolutionaries, his methods most certainly don't.

Whether or not his methods and his worldview tie to his leaving the Army is unknown. Because we don't really know when and how his worldview was formed.

Like did Crocodile leave the Army because he became a cynical asshole who was willing to make any kind of sacrifice for his goals (thus he no longer fit in with the rest of the Revolutionary Army), realized he was far too weak to ever become Pirate King and thus decided to go looking for Pluton? Or did Crocodile suggest to the Army they should try to obtain an Ancient Weapon to keep casulties to a minimum (still in line with the Army), only ending up getting kicked out (big weapon bad), and soon realizing he had no chance at making a change in the world without "cracking a few eggs"?

Like it doesn't nececarily make a massive difference,, since the end result is still the same, but it does kind of affect the context and how one might view him, right

Of course, there's then the Forbidden Third Option, that Crocodile left due to

Gender issues (internalized shame of being trans and not having it in him to stay around people who had known him)

Postpartum depression

Dragon just divorced Crocodile either due to being straight (in a sad, accepting way) or due to being simply unaccepting and frankly homophobic, regardless, Crocodile leaves with a broken heart

Something else and/or a combo of the above, really, we could speculate endlessly here about what could've happened

(Though I will say that Crocodile's '"trust issues"' and how he views people as disposable could like. I dunno. Be explained if he had gone through some heartbreak and was left permanently unable to open up to people, let alone trust anyone)

I dunno, there's a lot of options, a lot of things to considder.

But there is one more thing that I do want to note on as it could potentially debunk the Crocodad Theory entirely.

It's that Iva-chan didn't know Dragon had a son.

(Episode 441, 9:50 minutes) By which I mean, Iva-chan wasn't shocked to find out Luffy was Dragon's son, rather, they were shocked there was a son to begin with. (To the point they thought Ace was also Dragon's son until Luffy cleared it up for them later) While it's not a massive leap to believe that Crocodile and Dragon knew each other (since Crocodile knew Iva-chan), nor is it a massive leap to believe that Iva-chan transed Crocodile's gender after having Luffy... It does become a bit of a leap to believe Iva-chan didn't know about Dragon having a child with Crocodile before giving Croc the Magic HRT. Like if they had a relationship that resulted in a baby and a divorce, how did Iva not know about any of it, especially when it's more than likely that Iva could not have transitioned Crocodile until after the baby was born (let's not think about how Iva-chan's powers would work on a pregnant person too much)

We do also get this flashback (in episode 441, immidiately after Luffy reveals his dad's identity to Iva) where Iva-chan questions Dragon about how he always stares out towards East Blue when the wind blows, wondering if Dragon has family out there whom he's thinking about (Dragon refusing to comment on it). This does very much confirm that regardless of who Dragon had Luffy with, Iva has no fucking clue who, where and how any of that happened. And althought I personally feel like Iva not knowing would debunk Crocodad, if Crocodile still somehow was Luffy's dad, Iva-chan would canonically not know about it. If Iva didn't know Dragon had a relationship that resulted in a baby, then regardless of if Iva even knew Crocodile got pregnant once, they would not be able to connect those dots.

Now let's be clear, there's many potential scenarios where Crocodad could still be real, scenarios that could explain why and how Iva-chan didn't know about Luffy nor about Dragon and Crocodile having a relationship*. Like it would not be difficult at all to come up with an explanation for it. But in my mind, I feel like the more you have to figure out and explain how the theory could still be plausible, the less plausible it actually feels. Like the more I need to go out of my way to explain it, the more forced it seems.

*(For example, maybe the two kept their relationship a secret, and when Crocodile got pregnant he """left on a mission""" that happened to take like 4-10 months, during the time realizing he was trans. Once the baby had arrived he returned the baby to Dragon in secret for him to deal with, got a divorce for one reason or another*, and sought out Iva-chan to start a new life, Iva thus never found out about anything, just knew that Crocodile left one day after coming out. Like that's one plausible scenario.)

*Hey remember the potential Forbidden Reasons to why Crocodile might've left the Army? What if it was Dragon's and/or Crocodile's idea? Remember how when Jinbei is trying to escape Marinford with the unconcious Luffy, Crocodile tells Jinbei to do better job at "protecting those he wants to protect", a line that felt really sudden and odd coming from Crocodile of all people? What if the two knew their child would be in grave danger if he was ever raised within the army (absolutely not a place for a baby)? What if they knew their baby would become a target for the World Government to hunt, much like Roger's lost child was, if the Government found out Dragon had a baby? What if they wanted to make sure nothing bad ever happened to their baby and were willing to do anything to protect the baby? Even if it meant they'd never see their child grow up? Even if it meant hiding your child from your best friend, pretending to have a horrible fallout with them and transing your gender because Oda doesn't know what gender dysphoria is? Just so nobody would ever find out you had a child?

Mind you. I do not want anybody to think this is an actual argument for Crocodad. Like I could write a dozen different fanfics about how Crocodile could be Luffy's other dad, and they would all be just as much pure speculation with nothing to support them as the above suggestions. It is an example of what could have happened, and a deeply interesting thought, but it is just a theory at best.

In the end, it doesn't really matter though, because until the day Oda reveals Luffy's mom and/or Crocodile's backstory to us, we will truly never know for sure What The Fuck Crocodile's Deal Is

And I'll be just stuck with these brainworms, making myself sad by thinking about sad scenarios where Crocodad could be real, because truly, if it's canon, ain't no way it won't be sad

EDIT 3: Originally I thought it'd be good enough if I just rewatched some parts here and there, but in the end I just fucking absolutely caved the fuck in and went and reread The Good Parts of Marineford. Mainly because I knew I was forgetting things and Toei adding/changing things can affect a character reading. Also it was just going to be easier to go through the manga and literally just all of Crocodile's scenes into an image folder for easier browsing, mainly because there's so much shit that happens between those scattered scenes it can be hard to like focus on one thing (especially if you're trying to specifically FIND those scattered scenes and appearances)

So yeah. Coming back a few days later to add shit to this god forsaken post. I need help

Actually changed my mind and made a separate post to continue this nonsense, enjoy

[bellyyearner]

Office life at 550+ lbs Part 2

Word Count: 1050

Gender neutral POV, mobility issues, extreme obesity, stuffing, feedee perspective

Part 1

As soon as you reached your car you felt like you were gonna pass out from exhaustion. You can't remember the last time you needed to do that much activity in one shot. Gripping your meaty fingers around the door handle you swing it open and practically collapse into the driver's seat. The chassis of your car groaning loudly with the sudden burden. One leg on the ground, the other barely inside the car, and leaning back onto the center console you huffed and puffed. Trying to pull enough air into your lungs so that you don't pass out, the reality of your situation finally sets in.

You were filling the space completely. With your hips and love handles compressed between the driver's seat and the steering wheel, pushing your belly slightly higher but still pooling around you and filling all available space. Your heaving chest resting against your throat, forcing your breaths to be haggard and loud, you can hear the cars suspension creek with every rise and fall of your lard ladened gut. Your legs were burning and your joints were crying, your body giving you a harsh reminder of why you don't push it this hard. But that didn't matter to you, digging your fingers into the soft and doughy fat of your overhang, you felt elated. Jiggling and massaging the delicious fat you worked so hard to grow, the pleasure and pain your body was experiencing is the same high you've been chasing for over a decade. Almost losing yourself in it and adding even more treats to your mental grocery list you snapped out of it as you heard another car pull in.

With a sudden moment of clarity you remember you're in public and not that far from the front door of your office, "quickly" you begin to reposition yourself. A puffy left hand gripping the steering wheel for leverage you begin to heave yourself up, pulling one leg inside before taking a deep breath, pushing yourself off the passenger seat with your right. Gas rose up from the depths of your gut and you could taste the cherry cola as the burp ruptured out of you. Instinctively your left hand went to your belly as you tried to massage another out of you but to no avail.

Pulling your left leg into the car and wiggling your ass around the seat you were able to slip into position. A whole multiple minute process just to get into the car, you can't help but feel the endorphins rush through you and send shivers down your spine. The thing about getting this morbidly obese and loving it is that everything you do becomes sexual, to you at least, to others they see you struggle with the basics and feel sorry for you, but you? When you closed the car door but needed a second try because you're just so wide that your fat fucking ass gave resistance and you didn't pull hard enough? Your crotch got hotter, the blood that's usually stagnant from a lack of movement was flowing, and you desperately wanted to handle that immediately. And when you remembered that you couldn't even though you wanted to because you lost the ability to reach without toys, you decided to stop at an extra drive thru on the way home.

Pulling out of the parking lot you take one last look at your office, resolutely determined to never see it again. The familiar bumps in the road jostled your body around like waves in a pool, despite the fear for your suspension, you didn't try too hard to avoid potholes on your way to lunch. Once you had placed your order at the drive thru, you were placing your Walmart order online, adding literally anything that looked tasty with no regard to cost. This is a celebration after all, why not splurge a little. Once you arrived at the window you outstretched your fattened saggy arm to grab a grease covered bag of burgers and large soda. You wondered if the drive thru worker had served anyone as fat as you this week. The thought faded as the scent of your meal hit your nose, quickly pulling into the parking lot to devour everything before heading off to a second drive through only to repeat the process again.

Once you arrived home you spent the first few minutes in the driveway just caressing your fattened form, massaging out little hiccups and burps as you do so. With your gut pressing against the steering wheel you wondered how long it would be before getting into the car would be impossible. You didn't need the car now but decided to keep it anyways so you could track your gaining progress in a fun way. You then repeat the process of left leg out, shimmy ass cheeks towards the door, turn, right leg to the edge, and rise for what you hope is the last time for at least a few months. Waddling to your front door you enter your home and kick off your shoes, another thing you hope to abandon.

With a slow but relaxed waddle you enter the kitchen, grabbing a 2 liter, a bag of chips, and a plastic tin of blueberry muffins before heading to the couch and falling back into the you shaped dent that you've been gorging yourself deeper into. Sips of soda between salty chips you eat with passion, topping yourself up despite having eaten enough for a family of 5 on the way home. When the chips are gone, the muffins follow right after and you can feel the bread expand with soda once it reaches your over worked stomach. With the pressure in your gut rising and supplies running out your hands explore your body and trace the stretch marks you wear as trophies. Deep guttural burps escaping your lips when you find the right spots.

As the weight settles in and your eyes grow droopy from the excess sugar you bite your lip and moan, enjoying the fact that you are the smallest that you will ever be. Pulling out your phone to reorder the most recent door dash delivery because you don't care what it is that slides down your throat, you just want more

[chthonicgodling]

/KICKS THE DOOR DOWN- omFG HELLO ITS FINALLY TIME FOR-

welcome to an Elysium Drama Update tHAT IVE BEEN VAGUING AND HYPING ABOUT FOR THREEEEEEEE MONTHS 😱 yes you ARE reading this correctly! After all this time of spiraling deeper and deeper RECENTLY and after the VERY long tumultuous past of the previous decade-ish - the Taki Fuego Trifecta Trio (their tag here) is HAVING AN ENTIRE BABY BY CHOICE AND ON PURPOSE— oh mmmmYYYY GGGGGGGOD—

All five of these illustrations feature completely canon dialogue dating back from January when they first started trying for a baby. now that Loki finally confirmed that he’s actually pregnant a few weeks ago - clearly out loud and in words - it is finally time to reveal this news to all of YOU!

Congratulations YOU are now part of a select few! NO ONE ELSE IN THE PALACE KNOWS YET.

The baby Loki is now incubating is sired by Tory!! with Maci of course knowingly and delightedly pulling all puppet strings “behind the scenes” aka like, to the left of them or whatever on the bed.💞How did this even fucking happen you may be asking??!!! They went from fun bedroom dynamic to let’s have an entire babBY?!?! Well- just like the way these playfully suggestive drawings (every one of these convos took place during…… during. uhhhhhhhhhh) are slyly ambiguous in the way I chose to draw them - let me explain the decision of this baby in the same,, extremely sanitized way:::

Maci and Tory.,,, will say.,,, literally anything. And During one such occasion,, it dawned on Loki - and them too, honestly — suddenly with a full record scratch that — wait are you actually being serious?? WAIT DO YOU *ACTUALLY* WANT A—

As nudged upon here and also in my many recent lore essays, please remember that Loki’s ~antsy~ when it comes to his pregnancies and history of children; due to the prior tragedies that had befallen the first six he’s always made it a habit of just vanishing, paranoid and anxious, each time he’s found himself pregnant. However Maci and Tory unequivocally and wholeheartedly asking him to make a baby with them because 💞love💞 and 💞lust💞 and 💞clingy vibes💞- again LITERALLY the first EVER baby ON PURPOSE EVER- was enough to IMMEDIATELY make him go starry eyed. Even though over these past few months since Tory first initiated the talk Loki had…. Still has……. refused to admit that and continued to be his usual vaguely hostile and suspicious self but….

As of today he’s six weeks pregnant (he can always, magically, tell right away) and he has not yet disappeared.in fact he hasn’t even left their BED or their SIDE in THREE MONTHS. 🥺 mhy god hellO., Loki you’re so full of shit and they’re onto you. Maybe stop blushing so much.

and so now begins the countdown to NEW MYSTERY BABY and the shenanigans that will follow; ONCE AGAIN I am FLOORED and THRILLED and WATCHING all this with my jaw on the FLOOR. ‼️they’re not a throuple this is just uhh fun things to do with your platonic friends!‼️ (oh my god I’m gonna lose my mind for fucking real—)

All the dialogue in the orange bubbles + Tory himself of course belong to @fenixethekid , hiatused, once again trying for real to kill me im pretty sure.Maci & all pink and green bubbles are mine; EeL is mine too idc; do NOT tag this with the m word; I hope this has been worth the hype (and I’m pretty sure I was EXTREMELY obvious about hinting at this so?!?!?! GOLD STAR IF YOU’D ALREADY GUESSED THIS NEWS!)

POPS CHAMPAGNE STAY TUUUUNEDDDDD

[goliath-de-senfina-sango]

Ghosts, Nurture, & Morals

Some thoughts about The Ultimate Enemy episode of Danny Phantom. Went on longer than I thought it would, so, a cut.

On the one hand: Lancer has no reason to suspect that Danny of all people is in league with a ghost who would steal test answers for him; Danny should've known to get a few answers wrong; it would've been more thematically satisfying if the explosion that killed Specifically Danny's Loved Ones was the ecto-filtrater having gone unchanged because the Drs. Fenton shouldn't entrust that duty to an irresponsible 14 year old; if the Fenton Portal was still active then Dante Phantom could've just gotten into Amity through that without issue, a thing he literally did, any time throughout the decade and most people who personally wronged him when he was alive are there; Vlad shouldn't've survived his entire fucking mansion exploding on top of him, etcetera.

On the other hand, I think an interesting way the Ultimate Enemy timeline could've gone would be Danny revealing his powers to his parents and they accept and love him! They agree with him on the conclusion that he's just a human with ghost powers, rather than a proper hybrid of ghost and human, because that'd require them to think of ghosts as people or to kill their baby boy, neither of which they wanna do. This is an easy out that Danny absolutely took, reaffirming his agreement that ghosts are - by majority, he does remember Wulf after all - malevolent in nature.

So the Fentons and the GIW and probably even more ghost hunting organizations across the world continue to develop phasmophobic weapons, keep capturing and experimenting on ghosts, until they manage to build an army with weapons dangerous enough to straight up destroy the dead, deathless, and even the neverborn. They begin an all out war against the Spirit World, and this whole time Danny has continued to grow stronger and stronger, same as he always did!

this destruction leads to the destabilization of the Spirit World, and as Earth and Spirit are two halves of a whole, destroying one will eradicate the other with it. A thing nobody knows, or at least no human takes seriously. Enter, Clockwork and the Observants.

Now the lesson Clocky has to hammer into Danny's head is that he's not just a human anymore, but he's also not just a ghost pretending to still be alive. Danny is what people used to be, what people are meant to be, a harmonious representation of the natural way of the world and the beginning of a new age wherein the worlds can potentially be brought back together. Otherwise, they will end.

[aeirithgainsborough]

I absolutely loved this episode of the last of us but it really emphasised how mean spirited tlou part 2 is and that it was heralded by people as such a masterpiece makes me feel violently depressed about what that says about the bleakness of life and this planet we live on. 

Never more than in this week’s episode have we seen so intimately Joel’s mental state. This is an addition in the show; the conversation between Joel and Tommy is very different in the game. We know Joel feels like that but it never says it so explicitly. And that’s a good thing. So much of who Joel is is shaped by his devastating loss. He has severe ptsd and trauma from not only losing Sarah, but the way he lost her. He wasn’t able to save her, he failed her, and that’s why Ellie terrifies him! Because he presumes he’s going to do the same thing again. He’s going to lose her. He even lists ways he’s already let her down. It’s made patently clear in the way he is with Ellie and things he says to her that this fear is because he cares about her. He tells her he does outright. And as he begins to care for her, we see his ptsd rearing its head in more obvious/physical ways. Makes sense, right? Loving someone, caring for them— that’s Joel’s trigger. But we also see something else. We see Joel talking. Jesus he’s barely talked this series so far in the way he does in episode 6. Most of the time his conversations have revolved around logistics and plans. Now he’s talking about dream jobs and football and his old life. And he’s smiling when he does it. He’s laughing. There’s so much contentment in him in his scenes with Ellie. This is what healing looks like. There are painful, heart stopping moments. But there’s also joy. When was the last time Joel felt joy, do you think? 

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. The Last of Us Part 1 is a love story at its very core. It’s about how love is where you find a reason to live even in dire times like an apocalypse. It’s about how things can seem so bleak but if you allow yourself to love, you CAN find pockets of joy. You can find hope. This is what Joel learns through Ellie. Love makes life worth living again. And, in fact, it saves you. There’s a reason we have a cutscene with Bill in the game in which he tells Joel that caring about someone only gets you killed. It’s not just a throwaway line as we traverse Bill’s Town with him. It’s a proper, cinematic cutscene. Bill tells Joel/us this, and then the narrative works the rest of the time to undermine it. Ellie’s love for Joel is what saves his life in winter. The things she does to keep him alive and safe are insane. It’s not just finding food and water for them both at 14 years old. She finds medicine. She uses herself as bait to keep David away from Joel. That’s nuts! And it’s because of love. Love is what helps Joel not get killed. It’s the same for Ellie later: because Joel loves her, he saves her life instead of letting her get killed. He sees her as a person of value, as a person whose life means something irrelevant of her immunity. He sees her as someone who deserves to live. Love literally saves her fucking life. And as well as all this, we see how love saves Joel and Ellie in every day ways. Ellie is no longer alone and scared. She has someone. Joel finds joy in life again. He pets giraffes and he laughs at stupid jokes and he talks and talks about a life he’s been burying for decades. Who is the only person he’ll accept Sarah’s photo back from? Ellie! ‘I’m taking a ride with my best friend.’ And they ARE best friends. This episode went to great and beautiful lengths to emphasise how broken and afraid Joel is, and how hard it is for him to show up for Ellie, but that he does because he cares for her. It goes to great lengths to show how Ellie is starting to affect a change in Joel; that she’s helping him overcome the grief that has lain stagnant in him for 20 years. It’s starting to show how they’re best friends. It was an exceptional episode. I loved every second of it. But when I think about part 2, I’m so stuck on how mean it all is and how it works against what they (bruce i see you pal) were telling us in part 1. 

In fact, it’s not just mean, it’s cruel - both to Joel and Ellie, and to the fans who love them and are attached to their journey and got something out of it. What’s interesting is considering Bill and Frank’s story and the changes that were made to it. I absolutely loved the episode but it’s difficult to completely ignore pinkwashing claims (if you care to look, there have been many complaints about the game and its overall treatment of lgbt+) when Bill is rewarded for doing the same as Joel: he protects his one person too. In doing so he hoards valuable resources that could be used to help thousands of people. In twenty years ordinary people just looking for safety will definitely have made their way to Bill’s Town  and been turned away. Bill’s refusal to turn his town into some sort of a functioning community like Jackson definitely killed people. But this is presented as a good thing. He’s protecting Frank. That’s his job. And he’s rewarded with so many happy years and a peaceful death in an apocalypse. There’s a reason that resonates with people more than Bill’s original story which is bleak and sad. He ends up alone. Frank dies hating him. To see instead that actually you can have joy and hope and love in a post apocalyptic world is meaningful to people. 

Joel and Ellie are not so lucky. Joel does the same as Bill. He picks Ellie. He does what he has to to protect her. He defends them both from hostile attackers. His refusal to let her be a lab rat prevents a cure (arguably) so people will die but he saves her life and gives her a life worth living, the same as Bill does for Frank. He isn’t rewarded for it. There’s no great love is so good message here. Unlike Bill, Joel is punished so horribly for years in the narrative through Ellie. She’s used as a pawn for the vehicle in which the narrative tells us Joel did something wrong and he deserves punishment. This hurts her too by the way: love has hurt her too. But the narrative has to punish Joel this way to really make sure we know he did something so terribly wrong, so for 2 years Ellie isn’t allowed to give Joel a proper chance to explain. He isn’t allowed to defend himself. And after these long painful years, Joel is then killed. But he’s not just killed. It’s so brutal. It’s long. It’s painful. And Ellie is there to watch, to be held down on floor level so he’s all she can see as he’s killed, and she’s begging him to get up. Bill’s stance and actions are presented as a good thing. He’s the hero who saves Frank and allows him to live a good life. He gets a hero’s story. Joel, on the other hand, is a villain for doing the same thing. He dies a villain’s death.

Ultimately, Bill is right, despite what part 1 appears to be telling you (that’s part of why I hate 2 SO much, it’s so contrary to the themes and messages of 1). Love does get you killed. If Joel didn’t love Ellie he wouldn’t have saved her and he wouldn’t be dead now. Love will make you soft and stupid. You’ll run into rooms of armed strangers without concern after 20 years of being constantly on guard, or at least that was Neil’s explanation as to why Joel would get himself into a situation that was so out of character for him. If you love someone you will be punished for it. They’ll stop speaking to you because you loved them and because of that love knew you had a life of value that was worth living and not because of immunity. They won’t even give you a chance to explain, after all the ways love drove you to keep each other safe and alive. If you love someone you’ll be brutally tortured and murdered and you’ll deserve it. You will be constantly punished and criticised and villainised for that love. Literally, love makes you a villain. You will suffer because of love, you will lose everything. What’s the message here???? What on earth were Neil and Halley trying to say (sos bruce we miss you)???? That healing from your trauma will get you killed? Will get you punished? That Joel should have stayed broken in the QZ? Because if he’d done that, he’d have been better off than his ultimate fate. He wouldn’t have lost a daughter again and he wouldn’t have been beaten to death slowly and died quite likely thinking Ellie’s going to be killed after him so he’s let another daughter die, and he’d probably still have Tess. 

Joel, through Ellie and overcoming immense fear and ptsd in order to love her, heals from his trauma, he’s finally able to deal with his grief and move on. He, after twenty years of rejecting it because it caused so much fucking pain, loves again! He truly loves! Then it first hurts him again, and then it kills him. Love is good, love is necessary they told us in part 1. But in part 2 they tell us it WILL get you killed though. And that’s so fucking miserable.

[bitty-bits]

The First and the Last of the Year

And possibly last ever... on Tumblr at least.

Where did I go?

Nowhere in particular... if you've seen my socials all year, that is. This blog/newsletter however, took an extended vacation, not just from a lack of interest (and personal real life stuff getting in the way) but also from a technical standpoint - I really wanted the email newsletter aspect of this to work, but I still couldn't. I was considering using TinyLetter ...until they announced that was shutting down. If I had a nickel for every time a newsletter service shut down out of nowhere I'd have two... you know the rest. And with Tumblr getting worse as the year went by, maintaining this wasn't exactly motivating enough.

That said, it was a less than ideal year for my productivity, inconsistent pace, money issues, the lowest amount of notable dreams to write down on my dream journal to date... you get the idea.

So I can only hope for things to be better. For me to be less lazy... and work not only on stuff I make, but on myself. And I do have a bit of optimism, since a lot has, so let's see a couple of stuff, although everything else you should expect to see in a "rebooted" version of this blog...

Also, Free Palestine!

What I've Been Playing / Watching

So while I haven't fully completed a LOT of things this year, this will be going back to the beginning of the year, essentially, so strap yourselves. (Some of it I'll be grabbing from my media thread that I've made on Twitter as well)

Lucky Star (Finished)

I have posted about Lucky Star in another issue, but I was still in the middle of watching it. Now that I've actually finished watching it (in February) I can say more about it: When it comes to this anime, it was either pretty ahead of its time, or we just have Regressed as a species since then. Maybe the latter.

And sorry folkz, Lucky Star is pro-ship/pro-fic culture and there’s nothing you can do about it. I watched the entire series including the OVA, and while I’m definitely still not sure I’m exactly the "target demographic" what I saw was still very enjoyable. it really just is whatever the fuck and I'm all for it.

At first my kin™ was Konata pretty quickly because of course. That was until Minami showed up and like, she’s basically the weeb version of Ongo Jelly Jamm™!!! I actually can say I got attached to and care about most of the characters, even if just a little.

Like I said in a previous issue, in 2015 I had watched part of an episode of it english dubbed and it didn’t click with me at all. Turns out the dub just sucks as I should’ve expected lol (And I really wasn’t used to segmented "several short stories in one" type anime and stuff to be fair - that and I was dumber too of course so I couldnt properly appreciate the ART........)

My rating is Timotei/10 - and Nichijou is next!

Pizza Tower

Easily the biggest loss for gaming this year was this game not winning "Best Debut Indie" at the Game Awards. Oh well.

I was already highly anticipating this game - having first heard of it when it had a demo at SAGE 2019 I’m glad the game turned out great and is getting the recognition it deserves. I pretty much finished the game in early March. P/10

The Owl House (Finished)

Well... it’s over... for better or worse. I do think they managed to deliver a satisfactory ending all things considered. This was definitely a great cartoon to kick off the new decade.

And of course, fuck Disney as always.

This show got me to break out of, I guess an habit, you could say, or a superstition, or whatever the hell it is, when it came to media with too much ""occultism"" in them. You know the drill. I guess it opened up the little my mind had left that was still a bit closed. Even if it’s mostly involuntary.

But this isn’t even new. As a child I’d actually have an "imaginary friend" that i made (that kinda just Existed, didn’t really "interact" much with them whatsoever cuz i was Dumb™) that their backstory was literally that they were a demon in hell "gone rogue" so they were "not an evil one". Again, I was a kid. I never thought too much about the implications of me thinking about stuff like that already at that age. But it is interesting to think about now.

Anyways, been gay, did witchcraft. ⛥/5

Invader ZIM (Series + Enter The Florpus)

Well I did it. I finally watched the funny hot topic show™ (Finished in late May)

What can I even say about it that hasn’t been already said by everyone else? ...well maybe I have one thing: for some reason I didn’t find That One Episode that people always bring up the MOST disturbing one. I thought the one with a literal character flatlining and Zim being ":)" about it got to me a bit more.

Anyways yeah it’s Cool I liked the characters especially Gaz, and GIR obviously Why Wouldn’t He Be Here. The show can be stupid and end episodes in Whatever The Fuck ways that leave you like "That's it? That's the episode???" but I think that’s one of the unique aspects of it that I Enjoy - also the movie is cool. ☮️>🐔+🍚/10

The Super Mario Bros. Movie (2023)

So I watched it first when we only had shitty cinema bootleg recordings (that aren’t even that shitty anymore at this point in terms of quality, the Shit comes in the form of godawful intrusive illegal casino ads™ placed.) even though a bit later the raw movie would sometimes be uploaded in full to YouTube with no consequence for days. And at this point I’ve rewatched it plenty of times in proper HD (though only once in English cuz I’ll be honest, the Brazilian dub really is phenomenal really and blows the original "star talent cast" out of the water in my opinion, where it falls short is the voice for Luigi, as I know the dude’s voice too well and he’s just doing his normal voice with an accent, not to mention he’s the brazilian Sonic voice already!!!)

I think Charlie Day is the superior Loogy here but I’d still say the dub is better, not only for the fact there are "real voice actors" cuz you know, that’s Their Job, but also like, Charles Martinet is still in there cuz in case you didn't know, he voiced that jumpman dude’s only line in pretty much every language possible which is absurd/admirable.

It’s a fun movie if not mostly for looking at Mario Things happening that you know and recognize, because otherwise the story is pretty ridiculously basic, though even for "Mario game story" standards it’s definitely refreshing to see Luigi as the one to be rescued... though that Also sucks because Luigi deserved more screentime. The main Toad too. Oh well. Also disappointed that the "wise Toad" in the movie isn’t Toadsworth… or maybe he is but hasn’t aged yet and maybe in a sequel we’ll see him get older and then main Toad becomes Captain Toad. Who knows 🍄/10

Honorable Mentions - Stuff I've Watched That I've Yet To Write My Thoughts About, I Don't Have The Time Now

Spy × Family (Season 1) - Not the type of anime I'd see myself watching, but I was forced roped into it by one of my partners and found it to be VERY enjoyable.

Sparkle On, Raven: The Life of Drillgirl - Charming, shitpost-y, but genuine and fun

The Amazing Digital Circus - A very promising series with unexpected popularity, and equally unexpected high quality Brazilian dub with recognizable talent.

Murder Drones (Season 1 - 6/8) - A series I've been cautiously optimistic about since its pilot - it has endearing, enjoyable characters and settings, but flawed writing and pacing - more on that at a future date.

Scott Pilgrim Takes Off - An amazing take on a series that I'm not so familiar with (haven't seen the movie or read the comics, only really knew that the franchise "exists") and judging from what I've heard from others, it probably is the best take on the main storyline. Especially when it comes to the representation of who turned out to be my fave - Roxie. Watching the live action now is... probably gonna be very weird. Not sure if I want to.

Kunshikter (Күншіктер) - A new, yet very obscure cartoon from Kazakhstan. It's cute. It's for children but at this point I don't think y'all care. It's still ongoing and there are not many episodes so far. I recommend giving it a watch. Now!

Future YouTube Updates

As some of you saw in a xeet tweet from early October I was planning to do something significant on my main YouTube channel which has been stagnant for a while now, only for that to, surprise, not happen. I do have a set goal now: In very early January, a video to explain exactly what happened and what was the video I wanted to make, and... why it's hard for me to get a video like that out in the first place. The short answer (that doesn't actually account for Everything) is autism. The long answer is... stay tuned for it, lol

Song of the Issue

Although this section was supposed to be for sharing music that isn't mine, I thought I'd share snippets of music stuff I've been making since the beginning of 2023 until now, that you can look forward to!

Conclusion

I dunno. All I can say is... happy new year! It's been a tradition to make a stupid amateurish collage at the end of the year with the highlights, but this year there's been... less of them, that I took note of at least. But that won't stop me I think. Once I have that done, I may edit this to include it.

No comment on anything related to Twitter (which I'll never call "X") and the billionaire that happened this year as you all probably already know by now, and by the way you can now follow me on the social butterfly of bluesky. See you next year!

[shiroi---kumo]

⋯✧・♪♫♪・✧⋯ He feels like he's been going for ages and he doesn't know how much longer he can. It's been years. It's been decades it feels like and there hasn't been a chance to stop since Misterica fell. He's lost them all. He's lost everyone. He's lost his family, his friends, and even his entire planet... Maybe.... He thinks. He hopes not.

There's nothing to go back to and he doesn't even know how to get there if there is but he's been stuck in their damnable hellhole for so long that he wouldn't even know where to begin if there was a way to do so.

And he can't anyway.

Pilvi is out there somewhere in this hell and Sielu damn well better have not faded out on him. He'll kick his ass from his place in nature if he has. He'll... never forgive...this hell for stealing him away from him. For stealing away his bond.

He's been trying to figure out how to live without him but it's hard and he doesn't know how much longer he can do this if his gaze doesn't fill up with blue eyes soon. If he doesn't hear a horrible pun within the next twenty four hours because he needs that man's terrible jokes just as badly as he needs air to breathe.

All can do is keep trudging. All he can do is keep grinding along. He hasn't found the boy and he hasn't found a trace of Aqua since they got torn apart and in his case almost literally but he has his sister. Sielu still has Sydän so - so - so he better be alright. He should be alright and maybe if they're all lucky they've found the boy by now.

He doesn't know how many more wanted posters he can tear down. How many more bulletin boards and posting for job requests in the pub of whatever local town he's landed himself in. He saw Pilvi's face everywhere. His nephew's face. His Wisp. Just as he remembered him. He looked like he hadn't aged a day but that couldn't be right.

Misterica went down so many years ago. Decades ago. It felt like decades ago. Long enough that he couldn't remember what their water tasted like and what the sky smelt like. He hasn't - he hasn't flown in ages. He hardly remember what the clouds feel like against his skin.... and for a Misterican ... for a child of the sky - that was - deadly.

He hates what he's become. He hates what he sees when he looks in the mirror. He hates what he sees when he looks at his reflection when he looks into a lake trying to decide if he should use that water to wash the years of grime from his face or drink it and somehow neither choice finds itself appealing. He's the not the man he was before the kingdom fell and he's not a man fit to look deep into blue eyes even if it's all he longs for.

How could he be fit to look in the blue eyes he loves when he's become such a mess? He knows it's been for survival. He knows the blood on his hands has been necessary in order for this weary body of his to keep on working and to find the boy but that doesn't make him feel like a tenet breaker any less.

They aren't supposed to kill. They aren't supposed to throw life away needlessly. They - are supposed to put life above all but he's never seen the Soil Souls do it. He's never seen the damnable infernals do anything but scrap with each other and squabble like children and part of him wonders why he ever held fear of them in the first place. They were the core of many nightmares when he was a child with the way the war with Windaria waged on with no sign of stopping but now - but now he's met Soil Souls aplenty and he can't say he's been very impressed.

He has yet to see a Windarian though - and Bahamut's demonic spawn would have been spared as such a fate as Tiamat's Celestial Children. He was a Celestial of the purest blood and he was forced to drop his horns to the beings of the grounds below in order to beg for scraps or scrape by his existence all because nothing in this world made any fucking sense.

Wonderland they called it but he couldn't find anything Wonderful about it. The only thing this place did was steal his bond away from him and break him down to his most vulnerable state more times than he cares to admit. It broke him. Over and over is broke Sitriini Sinfonia down to the core that this man was until there was nothing left of him. Voice torn out when he screamed for his life as his arm shattered under the weight of the beast that stepped down on his arm.

Sitriini Sinfonia shattered that day. Shattered the day that Soil beast attacked them and it nearly ripped him to shreds in the process. Sielu and Sydän had each other. He sent them away with tears in his eyes and his breath burning his throat. He sent them off running with the only blade to their name and his brother's ring and Usva's bind. They would be all that remained of him when he faded so he needed someone to have them - but fate had more in store with him.

He lived. He lived through it and now he's lost track of the time since he's last seen his love's face. The details are blurry but he can see him the way his mind remembers him best. He'll find him or fade first. He lived even if only a ghost like being was rose from the place the once musician fell.

Sitriini Sinfonia shattered that day, but The Silencer rose in his stead.

[my-name-is-jefferooni]

I JUST SAW “GRIME TIDINGS” AND I AM SHOOKITH TO MAH CORE

The new episode was… Oh my god. There’s so much Sonadow in just this first episode and I am close to fucking SOBBING.

So to start off, we got the fabled “Sonic feels bad about how Nine took the shards” in the cavern scene and even though it ended far too quickly compared to most other predictions, it was still very enjoyable! Shadow wasted absolutely no time in getting Sonic back in the game, while it took Sonic a while to realize that now is NOT THE TIME FOT A GODDAMN MENTAL BREAKDOWN. Twas a great interaction that had my soul flying outta my body frfr

THEN SONIC’S FRIENDS LITERALLY START FLYING AWAY AND MY HEART JUST SHATTERS BECAUSE WTF THEY LITERALLY JUST WENT TO SAY HI TO GOD I AM NEVER GONNA BE NORMAL ABOUT THAT THEY LEGIT JUST SAID “Bye Sonic cya in heaven” AND THEN WERE GONE LIKE WHAT

Poor Sonic just had to speed run the five stages of grief lmao

AND THEN ALL MY WORRIES WASH AWAY WHEN I SEE SONADOW WORKING TOGETHER TO GET OUT OF GHOST HILL AND IT IS SERIOUSLY THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SEQUENCE OF 3D ANIMATION I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. There is so much squash-and-stretch, so much dynamic posing, so many fast movements, so many moments where you blink and you miss something. It’s so fluid and so expertly done, my heart was melting when I saw it. Prime is just straight up eye candy at this point and I am not in any way complaining. This scene was so pretty and so epic and so intense. And I could feel literally every impact. Wonderful story boarding to whoever did the storyboards. You have my full respect.

And then Shadow gives Sonic a compliment and my soul once again leaves my body. I am not okay.

AND THEN THE SONADOW FANKID BATTLE ENSUES WOOHOOOOOOOOOOO

And then. AND THEN. WHEN NINE BRINGS OUT THE OTHER 4 ROBOTS TO FIGHT SONIC AND SHADOW THE TWO HEDGEHOGS LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND GO “Behind you!” AT THE SAME TIME AND I START DYING AGAIN. Feel bad for Big tho. Bro didn’t get a robot… 🥺 Feel so horribly bad for Shadow too. He got stuck fighting the Rouge robot during the fight. Must’ve been a horrible experience. Can’t wait to see how he’ll react to the other versions of her though! If we even get to see him again…!

Which by the way, the ending scene…? OH MY GOD??????????? THEY REALLY HIT US WITH THE BIGGEST CLIFFHANGER EVER. SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG. SHADOW THE GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING HEDGEHOG. THE BITCH WITH ALL THE EMO DRIP AND THE HEELIES. THE ONE WHO CAN FUCKING FLY NOW. YEAH. HE SACRIFICED HIMSELF FOR SONIC. WHAT!!!!!?????????

Obviously, he’s not gone for good. Cuz then we wouldn’t be able to call this season “Sonadow Prime season 2.” But the fact that he gave himself up and chose to fight off a whole horde of super strong and powerful robots that could beat him in an instant all because Nine had his sights on the blue blur…? That is A LOT. Especially since we’ve waited like 2 whole decades for some good Shadow characterization. In no way am I complaining, duh, but for someone like me…? MAN I WAS NOT OKAY.

Sinister Nine is… It is wild. I always knew he was gonna be a problem ever since Shadow pointed it out at the beginning of season 2, but I never expected him to actually be this evil. He lands next to Sonic and Shadow before the sacrifice, and when he reveals what he plans to do to Sonic… He’s hardly recognizable anymore. It’s scary, how utterly broken and changed he feels. This is still the same fox as before though, just a bit more sure of what he wants. And that’s terrifying.

So naturally, when Shadow figures it out, he is mortified.

AND I START INTERNALLY SCREAMING BECAUSE I WAS NOT EXPECTING HIM TO REACT THAT WAY OH MY GOD BRO WAS FLABBERGASTED HE WAS SO TAKEN ABACK HE WAS SO HEARTBROKEN HE WAS LIKE “Why u tryna hurt my boo???” AND THAT MAKES THE SACRIFICE HIT THAT MUCH HARDER. OH MY GOD. MAKES IT WORSE THAT SONIC HAD NO IDEA WTF HE WAS TALKING ABOUT TOO.

Anywhizzle my energy has dwindled since my first watch because it’s been like 30 minutes but I just wanna add that. I am pretty sure it’s official that the Prime Universe is dead. Gone. Deceased. That shit ain’t coming back, I can guarantee. We spent like half the episode trying to get out of Ghost Hill and then mourning the loss of it, and I highly doubt all that screen time is gonna go to waste. They’ll probably say that Sonic succeeded and that we’ll be shown everyone returning to normal, but based off what we see I at least hope this isn’t the case. This now feels more like a show about moving on, about finding out who you are and making friends. It’s about change, but it’s also about connection. And with the Prime Universe gone, with Ghost Hill destroyed, and with the Paradox Prism in Nine’s grasp until the foreseeable future… I really doubt we’ll see Ghost Hill restored. This fact is amplified by the fact that we’ve been getting more screen time and development with each different universe/shatterverse.

Aight that’s all for now bye bye

[weabooweedwitch]

I say this as someone who's followed you for years and with as much kindness as possible:

Get the fuck away from your mother. Ditch her fuckin ass. She's repeatedly making things worse and refuses to learn. You need to get away from her, for your own good.

I know I might be repeating what other people have said, or even what you have thought of doing, but holy shit this bitch is actively ruining your life through sheer stupidity.

I hope things get better

I feel bad that people have to keep giving me this kind of advice because I realize it's the most obvious answer, and there are multiple reasons separating from my mother would be good for us both. I feel bad that i keep sharing all these worrying stories and worrying people and then at the end of the day, I'm way too scared to actually try and fix things. I just worry so much about not being able to take care of myself, not being able to drive, what if I go somewhere and it's harder if not impossible for me to get to work, just. I worry about everything. Honestly the thing that worries me the most is keeping my job or not being able to transfer if I went somewhere else. My wage is currently $19 an hour, my 58 yo mom was making $22, so like, I'm helping hold it all together with rent BECAUSE of that income. I'm so scared of losing that.

I've had people ask if there's any family I can go to and the only possible option would be maybe my father who is in another state, I cannot remember if it is in Illinois or Missouri (ugh, they may have passed recreational weed but thats the only good thing thats came outta thar state in like the last 2 decades). And I don't know if that would be good either. But it's an option I'm beginning to consider. But I am sort of still in the reconnecting process with my dad and we've butted heads a few times and he also has his own physical and emotional issues. Actually I think he is where I inherited a lot of mental illness from because he also has an anxiety disorder and we are almost positive he has equinus like me. He also has developed type 2 diabetes and I am really bad with sugar impulse control, what if I hurt my dad because I can't stop bringing sweets into the house and he eats them too 🥺

It just. Personally makes me hate myself to even think of "hiya pops, we've barely spoken in the last 10 years, I've been really ahitty about talking to you consistently since we've said hi again and lost my temper with you a few times, hey I know you're on a fixed income and out of a job right now (or was, maybe he has one now, we've spoken so little idk) but is it OK if I come live in your house as a whiny codependent barely functioning weed addict of an adult?" 😅

But yeah I just. This is really. It just never ends. I keep fighting myself and beating myself up on "who's right, am I right, am I wrong, am I overreacting, whats going on, what do I do, someone tell me what to do because I'm too stupid to do things right" and it's just. I also still love my mother even if that love is being increasingly mixed with resentment. I worry about her ability to take care of herself because her health is getting worse and, like, I worry about her mentally a lot. Like this tooth infection she has, is because she doesn't have the best dental hygiene, and had fillings and such, and even after needing fillings still takes shit care of her teeth, and was putting off getting like broken teeth and such taken care of, and, they're now having to pull SEVEN of her back teeth. She'll need dentures to eat certain foods now. And I'm not better, I basically stopped brushing my teeth for many years because I literally expected to be dead before they rotted out of my mouth and now I'm scrambling to adopt that routine again, and also like.

Sorry but my mom and a dentist literally lied to me when i was a little girl and said i had several cavities because they thought i would be scared into brushing my teeth and all that did was convince me everything was pointless and needed to give up since it was already damaged, and she refuses to apologize or even acknowledge how that literally helped me develop a complex and felt helpless when SHE LIED TO ME, A CHILD, HER CHILD (and also i think my difficulty keeping routines is a combination just needing to apply myself and having adhd issue because like, I've been pretty good with my skincare at least)

I just. I love her but I hate her. If I'm not careful to keep myself calm I'm going to escalate to the physical level. And to be honest I've had the opinion for many years that, all those times my mom told extremely age inappropriate stories to little tiny baby Miranda about her experiences with assault and domestic violence, even as a kid I would think, "well you like don't listen, you shut people down, you insist youre always right, I want to hit you all the time too, maybe it wasn't them but maybe you got yourself hit by constantly pushing everyone around you to their breaking point" like clearly that's not a healthy thought to have and I. I am kind of convinced at this point that almost every single bad thing that had ever happened to this woman was her own fault in some way shape or form. But you could also say that about me

What's scary is that I can't even think of going anywhere without having savings first and I'm constantly being pushed to my limits to the point I don't HAVE any savings, it's all getting sucked up. I dunno how else I can get out of this pit and I'm just, mentally worn down from any entire life of this. I feel useless and exploited at home and then I go to work and feel useless and exploited at work and by society. Like. Life feels so bleak. My Canadian friend is getting in worse health. I still have a lot of affection for him but he's also uh done and said a few things I really disagree with on personal levels and it, gives me some pause, like. I genuinely am so sad all the time. I need to go back to the psychiatrist to get some medicines again but, I am working and making enough money that after my state insurance expires in October, I'll have to go through my work, and that doesn't 100% cover everything so, j wouldn't be able to afford anything at that point

Just. Ugh. I try to write down my thoughts and listen to music and try to write on my other blog to cheer myself up but I just. What can you do right. What am I good for. What is anyone good for. What is this world itself good for. Our entire species is gonna go extinct with climate change anyways. Why should I keep struggling and suffering like this when it's. Idk. Arguably all for nothing. We'll all be nothing more than just dogs following commands and paying bills until we die

[msookyspooky]

I can't get this outta my head!! I hope you like it!!

.

.

.

You pace around the room, you felt like you could throw up.

It's been a long time since you've heard from...them. Billy and Stu. The original ghost face murders from Woodsboro. Sure you've had got the odd call or letter but it was all bullshit. But after your cousin Jill's friend just got gutted in her own room, it was now confirmed that there was a copy cat in town again.

Randy looks at you concern. You wanted to have Dewey here too, but he was busy. Maybe it was for the best.

"Tell me what's going on." Ray stands up and limps over to you, taking your hand into his.

You look at him. You had to tell him. The truth was eating you alive and nothing would take away the guilt and trauma. Not partying and drugs, not moving all the way into a new state, not even writing a book.

The drugs and booze, along with moving across state lines, was only a temporary fix to a major solution. And writing a book, literally titled out of darkness only put you in the spot light more prominent.

Even therapy didn't work. After Ray and Dewey suggested going back to therapy after the shit Roman pulled, you went. The therapist, Dr. Perkins, suggested a journal. Spoiler alert, you never wrote it the journal once. You also found it too draining to have to stretch the truth. You couldn't tell him that Billy and Stu was alive and you've known for almost a decade. And he definitely wouldn't get what you were feeling after you survived three separate killing sprees and have a life time of trauma.

Ray sits you down with him and you roll your lips and wipe your sweaty palms on your jeans. You didn't want to tell Randy. But you had too. It was eating you alive and Randy was about the only person who could relate to you.

You didn't want to lose him.

You couldn't.

"You're going to hate me."

"I could never hate you." He says, softly.

You give a chuckle. If only he knew.

You take in a shaky breath, trying to find the words. "I-" you stop yourself and begin again. "You know, back in Woodsboro, with Billy and Stu and how where was a fire?"

He nods his head.

"Stu and Billy....they're...alive."

Randy's worried expression turned from worried to confused. "What? How do you even-?"

"When I was packing to move out for college, I had found a note...from Stu. Saying he would be back. At first I thought it was a shit head pulling a sick prank but at Windsor, I started...seeing them. Both of them. I thought I was going out of my fucking mind. But they ambushed me backstage while at rehearsals for that play I was in."

"And you're now just telling me this?!" Randy shoots up from the couch, his face now turned to anger.

He had every right to be.

"Trust me, I wanted to tell you! I did! But each time something would come up and the murders would start again! I honestly thought they would have got caught back in Hollywood. Especially that shit head Stu."

"So, the yelling I heard?"

"Was from Billy and Stu."

"Jesus fuck. How could you keep this from me?! Does Dewey know?"

You shake your head.

"You didn't tell Dewey either?! I mean, Jesus! They've killed Casey, her boyfriend, James, Tatum...Sid. They also attacked me and Dewey! Not to mention what they did to you! Why are you protecting them?!"

This time, you jump from the couch. "Trust me, I'm not! I was ready to go to the cops but roman found out and made a threat! I wish I did though."

Randy runs his hand through his hair. "Christ. I can't believe this."

"I know," you say. "I know."

"Was any of it real?"

You raise a eyebrow. "What do you-"

He cuts you off. "Us. Our friendship. Our relationship. The three months we dated? Was it all fake?"

You shake your head furiously. "Of course not, Ray-"

He cuts you off again. "Don't call me that."

"Randy. I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. You are my best friend and I don't want to lose you."

Randy scuffs. "I can't be here right now." He doesn't say anything as he opens the front door and leaves, leaving you alone in the living room.

OH MY GOD 😭🥺💔 RANDY'S ANGER AND US BEGGING HIM TO JUST HEAR US OUT AAHHGH!!

I love this sm!!! It's so freaking true too! Like, yeah therapy would help with some things but only half bc we couldn't tell the therapist the whole truth and they'd know we're lying eventually and moving doesn't help and the book is just a bunch of half truths. Whatever Sid went through in canon; we have it 10x worse bc they lived.

And Randy? Omg could you imagine hearing it? That the men that traumatized you for life and killed the ones you cared about lived and your best friend lied about it? And was secretly helping them for a hot minute just to save you and her but Ray is not going to listen to that in the heat of the moment

I really really love this and if you or anyone wants to start making little drabbles in my asks based on my fanfic by all means please do!!!!!!😍😍😍😍😍

[quinnlarrabee]

8 hacks to change your relationship attachment style to seem hotter

“What’s your attachment style?” asked every upper middle class person under the age of 55 in a blue state city on a second date. If you’ve never heard of attachment theory, you’re probably reading this post by mistake, and you should increase the font size on your desktop PC and google “mall walking” or “assisted living facility.” Books have been written about the books about the books about attachment theory, and there are more online clickbait quizzes to help you figure out your attachment style than there are pronoun variations, genders and sexualities in Northern California. These books and quizzes are a massive waste of your time. If you want to know your attachment style and change it without spending a dollar or more than 4 minutes, read on. 

Let’s start by explaining attachment theory. 

If you text someone you’re into, and you lose your shit when they don’t write back within 60 minutes, you have what’s called an anxious attachment style. If you get a text from someone you’re into, and you force yourself to wait 60 or more minutes to read their response because you want to seem like you’re not that into them, you are anxious-avoidant. If you get a text from someone you’re into, and you leave them unread in favor of cleaning your bathroom, you are avoidant (and probably also OCD). Supposedly there is a fourth attachment style called “secure,” but this style is a myth and definitely irrelevant, because no one who bothers to read about attachment style is actually secure or ever will be. 

It’s highly uncool to be anxious, it’s totally exhausting to be anxious-avoidant, and it’s fucking fire to be avoidant. Being avoidant makes you much sexier during sport-dating, and it gives you a ruthless, unfair advantage in your healthy, long-term, nourishing relationships. 

What’s cool about attachment theory is that you can pretend to change your style to seem more attractive. 

Given that all of you - literally every single one of you - have an anxious attachment style in your polycules, I’m going to give you 8 (because I couldn’t think of 10) simple hacks that will enable you to give the aspirational impression of being avoidant without spending a decade in therapy, half of which would have been devoted to you asking your therapist if someone you went on two dates with will respond to the text you sent two weeks ago (they won’t). Therapy is for people who don’t take the initiative to find far more efficient shortcuts of seeming well-adjusted. 

These are 8 hacks that you can use to quickly and easily transition from anxious to (seeming) avoidant in your romantic relationships: 

1. Date down

Thinking back to the relationships in which I was at peak anxiety levels, I realized something blindingly obvious. I was punching above my weight. I was out of my league. I was constantly afraid of being abandoned, because I never had any business dating these people to begin with, and we both knew it. So, they were naturally avoidant, and I was anxious. The solution to this problem is to lower your standards. If you date someone who isn’t bonkers hot, you naturally tend to give fewer fucks. They cancel plans? Dope. No need to shower, pizza is two clicks away, and look at all the variations of Yellowstone on Paramount Plus. Dating people you aren’t particularly excited about helps you find that perfect level of chill.  

2. Masturbate more

Anyone over the age of 30 probably doesn’t masturbate as much as they should in order to not have an anxious attachment style. And by anyone, I mean straight men. Women of all ages still masturbate frequently to compensate for straight men being unsatisfying sex partners, so if you’re a woman, this hack isn’t for you. Masturbation is an entirely overlooked tool for men who want to become avoidant, because when you want sex less, you become less needy, which is a shorter way of saying “anxious attachment style.” Men: the next time you send a text to a woman you’re into, stop whatever you’re doing and masturbate. Women: if you send a text to a guy you’re into and after weeks of anxious communication behavior he suddenly doesn’t respond, you will need to pursue the nuclear option: send nudes. 

3. Wear a kimono 

Everyone knows that the most chill people on the face of the planet are the Japanese. Based on their declining birth dates, the entire population of Japan is avoidant. A great way to simulate their legendary level of avoidance is to dress like you are a Jedi living in Kyoto, which is how most grown men in Williamsburg dress: draped in kimonos. You will find that the moment you put on a kimono, especially one that you have custom-made for you through that guy who knows the guy with the contact at that one store in the Shimokita neighborhood in Tokyo, you will become serenely avoidant. This is partly because you will spend more time looking at yourself in any reflective surface, which is what all guys who live in Williamsburg and wear kimonos do, and also because no one will want to date you in that stupid kimono, so you won’t have anyone to be anxious about. 

4. Be polyamorous 

Polyamory is generally just compensatory behavior in relationships between two people who never wanted to have sex more than a few times but stayed together because they impulsively adopted a dog the summer of 2020, but sometimes polyamory can be more than just glorified promiscuity without short term consequences. If you’re dating someone, and you are anxious and they are avoidant, I suggest that you “open up the relationship.” This will be very hard for you at the beginning; because your partner is avoidant, they will meet this suggestion with intoxicating apathy, which will make you exceptionally anxious. But the moment you come home at 2am smelling like someone else and don’t have the desire or energy to even kiss them goodnight, the power dynamic will instantly shift in your favor. You will become less anxious, they will become less avoidant, and this will create a secure attachment-style-equilibrium until you inevitably break up two months later.

5. Start a company

You’d be amazed by how few fucks you will give about anything in the world that isn’t your startup when you become an entrepreneur. You will find that dating is an afterthought, because you’re constantly getting fucked in your professional life. You will also start sleeping very poorly, which will adversely affect your sex drive. Because you’ve forgone an actual income in favor of “equity,” you won’t have the disposable income to date, which costs adult men in New York City an average of $2,366.66 a month ($4,000 if you live in Manhattan, $3,000 if you live in Williamsburg, $100 if you live in Bushwick). There is a catch with this tactic, however. While you will achieve avoidance in your romantic life, your anxious attachment energy will be redirected towards venture capitalists. You will have first call after first call with dozens of men in their early thirties who attended the University of Pennsylvania, did two years at Citibank as an analyst in healthcare investment banking, worked in business development at a fintech business, started a company that failed after 18 months, and were then hired by whatever venture fund you’re pitching to know about all the possible deals that could be done but not actually deploy any capital. These young men – all of whom are 5’9 and have frizzy, receding hairlines – are suddenly the hottest women you have ever seen, and they are as avoidant as you are anxious. 

6. Become a Republican

Anxious attachment is a personality trait endemic exclusively to liberals. Fretting about being abandoned by your partner is really only for blue state people who are in favor of democracy, equality and recycling. Think about it. Does your khaki pants-wearing, golf-loving, bourbon-drinking, hair-parted-on-the-left-but-votes-on-the-right cousin who was social chair of his fraternity at University of South Carolina and runs supply chain operations for the pesticide company your great uncle started have an anxious attachment style? Do you think he’s ever read into the choice of punctuation in his girlfriend’s texts? Of course not. That dude got married at 26 to his 24-year-old girlfriend, had his first kid at 28 and second at 31, bought one of those flat-bottomed bass fishing boats and hitched to his Ford F-150 to avoid them, and has literally never had a moment of anxiety in this entire romantic life other than that one time he did coke sophomore year and couldn’t get an erection while watching Survivor. This is because he believes in trickle-down economics, pork chops and country clubs. If you aren’t afraid of losing your soul and are willing to leave the Northeast or Pacific Northwest, try voting red in the next election, and watch how quickly your anxious blue attachment style becomes a bright, avoidant red. 

7. Switch from iPhone to Android

Apple products and their interfaces create a tremendous amount of anxiety. This is because anxious attachment styles are at their worst during realtime text communication, and on iMessage you can see when someone is actively writing a response because of the so-called typing awareness indicator. This is perhaps the greatest euphemism of all time. It should really be called the cortisol level enhancer. Have you ever watched those three fucking gray dots undulate not felt like you’re having a cardiac event? Just imagining the myriad different directions your entire life could take based on the outcome of those dots is enough to spark a panic attack. How much better would your entire life be if you just got a blunt, unambiguous, unceremonious green box of words without the reality TV show visual fucking drumroll? I think the Apple design team are sadistic assholes. Never mind Covid-19. It’s actually the typing awareness indicator that have caused the precipitous drop in American lifespans. Want to achieve a healthy level of avoidance in your romantic life? Switch to Android. 

8. Get old

Have you met any 90-year-olds who have anxious attachment styles with anything other than their own mortality? Of course not. Old people have a delightfully avoidant attachment style, because they’ve either been putting up with their spouse’s bullshit for sixty years, or they’re widowed and just want to watch Matlock reruns. What’s interesting about getting old and avoidant is that it isn’t actually an exponential curve that spikes at like, 70. Studies have shown that people who have an anxious attachment style gradually become more avoidant over time and finally achieve optimal avoidance when they are dead. So, if none of these other attachment style transition tactics prove effective, there is hope for you. You just have to be patient. 

[tragcdysewn]

was that zhang linghe? oh no no, that was just shi wudu, a canon character from heaven official’s blessing. they are hundreds of years old, use he/him, and are aware that they are not actually from washington dc. too bad they can’t stray from this city for long.

how long has your character been here:

just over a month now

what is your character’s job:

a job??? shi wudu??????? don’t make me laugh

where has your character been pulled from in their fandom:

right after he xuan tore his head off (go he xuan go he xuan go)

has any magic affected your character:

unfortunately, that empty fucking head is attached to his shoulders again

bonus info:

hereeeee he is, the biggest douche of the universe! in all the galaxy there’s no bigger douche that you!

no i hate this man so much he’s such a pompous jackass. he has like a kind of shitty backstory but it like?? doesn’t excuse his shit lmao. he was born to a very affluent merchant family, and when he was six his younger sibling was born, and immediately cursed by a monster. ‘wretched beginning, wretched end’ was his curse, and their family did what they could to hide qingxuan from the monster, but their family’s wealth and prosperity declined from that day on, until his parents died when he was sixteen and he left to avoid his family fighting for inheritance.

he took qingxuan with him, and continued to raise them and train under a cultivation sect to protect them. but tragically he is stupid as well as a bitch, and didn’t come home on time one night, worrying his brother, who then set out to look for him and was immediately found by the monster after almost two decades of hiding. they went back to running, and eventually shi wudu ascended to become the water master and took qingxuan with him, thereby saving them by making them a god! great, right?

wrong

he didn’t actually save him that way it didn’t work so he went looking for someone with the same name and birthday and swapped their fates, basically yoinking godhood and prosperity out from under an innocent person’s feet and replacing it with a curse and a dead family. and he literally regrets none of it. he’d fuckin do it again, bop bop bop. qingxuan ascended on he xuan’s merits, and had no idea what shi wudu did until centuries after he xuan had died from qingxuan’s curse, when he revealed everything and ripped shi wudu’s stupid head off like the icon he is

[stardust-in-my-mind-blog]

to father-in-law 9/7/23

You said something about having Ben train Fi to sing with his guitar. All three of the kids are able to sing this song together. They all did it at once one time and it sounded like an angel choir. (Link to Goodnight My Angel by Billy Joel.)

Music is a healing thing.

Theo might sing it for you a night he comes over!

This is also one of Theo's favorite songs.

I sing it in the shower every day as a prayer to my own well designed pantheon of divinity. But Venus loved war just as much as she loved beauty and peace. Your son has some outdated software in his subconscious that needs redirection when it comes to how you treat a woman you love and respect.

My Phoebus is now Apollo.

And like Daphne I will make like a tree shake off the mantle of your name that I accepted like the rotting leaves of a dying tree.

I am Andromeda and Perseus is getting too damn close to the sun.

Pegasus has bucked off plenty of Princes.

Raja has eaten their underwear.

Aphrodite was born from the old man of the sea being made into a ennuch. Sea foam.

I'm thinking in mythology these days, Zeus.

I can be the headache you'll never forget.

Or your adoring daughter.

But like Diana I will turn men who scorn me into the stags their dogs devour.

I think I'm telling you this because I love you and your family.

But it hurts too much.

And I've been here too many times.

And part of me is dying.

And I have risen back from the dead far too many times to fear death.

My given name is Mckeag, our motto is to neither dread nor yearn for the final day.

That's not my name either.

I'm still looking for it.

I hate to use a story you trusted me with to... illustrate a negative thing.

That's my broken heart talking.

But you told me when you went deaf, you didn't learn how to read sign language. I can't begin to understand the grief that comes with losing your sense of hearing.

You value music so much.

You're rough, but you're a secret music box like me.

The mother in me, the gypsy in me, the woman who has been fucked by guys your age since I was three (literally and can recall each memory in cold detail, by the way.)

Shirley Temple syndrome.

But my hero was also Gilda.

Anyways, as a woman who has had to fight for every damn good thing in her life....

I heard the man that stands of law in the place of Father

"When I lost my hearing I chose to become blind."

"My wife and children learned a new language to keep me connected to the family, but I chose not to learn it for myself."

And it's a pattern I can't rise above in this relationship with your son.

I don't like bad boys.

And he will regret me forever.

Trust me, I already have one dude who did the same shit finally treating me with respect a decade after bearing his children.

They say Danae, my soul ancestor, was cast out to sea by her father who learned that her son would become more magnificent than he.

Fear of the gods.

But as humans, don't we wish that our legacy be more magnificent?

Maybe not. I don't know. I've always thought differently than everyone else.

And I've paid for it with a body broken by hands that never thought I had value.

So if this is our last convo bc I've been too disrespectful.

(which is valid. I've said nasty things and made even uglier metaphors.)

But I need to express to you everything I feel at this crossroads.

And I promise with all my heart and soul that I had to build myself...

that I will never speak against your family or the members of the name in a public way with this kind of reckless talk.

Even if I'm not under your banner, or your protective shade, I will respect you as Theo's grandfather.

I just think that's important to state things clearly before anything starts getting tense or emotional.

Again, sorry for the unpleasantness. I've been very angry for a few days now and managing it well... but my period is coming.

When I'm bleeding it's more difficult to channel my rage in a polite way and I wanted to express it before gasoline is poured on the fire. Maybe more than you want to know, but I like my sincerity to be detailed.