#this week has not been a good one and tbh i had the worst anxiety attack of my life on tuesday night | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

jadeandroses · 7 months ago

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Well because no one asked:

1. Currently, in order: Sonic, Peach, Tails, Mario. (It’s no wonder I smashed them all into a found family trope.) Past comfort characters include Elita-1, Phil Coulson, and Daisy Johnson.

2. I love the idea of matches, but never actually liked using them. I have anxiety. I keep thinking I’ll accidentally knock it onto my wooden floors. I’ll stick with my bbq lighter. Much safer.

3. No, just because I like having the fan on. Besides, it’s hot even at night where I live.

4. Pass. (Define cryptid)

5. Chocolate brown babey

6. Probably because I was bored. Next question.

7. I have thick curly hair. Scrunches simply do not work on me. I need the thickest, tightest chongo or nothing.

8. I have my yeti because I just finished a workout (trying to get back into it), but other than that, no water bottles. Food wrappers, though…

9. None. Iced tea.

10. I like to think I would, but I also think I’m just as likely to latch myself onto a rich person and then just needlessly waste their money. (Heck, that’s why I still have some income despite being unemployed for the past two months.)

11. I LOVED science club. I know that makes me sound pretentious but it’s the truth.

12. My little 100-yo lady adamantly refused to go to the doctor today and frustrated us all. But I’m dogsitting this weekend for my aunt and she brought me over to reintroduce myself to them, and the dog I thought would bite me actually let me pet him. So. Some good, some bad. The fact that it was good at all is really encouraging after having been in a funk for the last few weeks.

13. Two hours ago. Fried fish. I usually don’t like fried fish. For some reason I wanted it today, though

14. Yes (assuming it’s not accompanied by death dealing humidity. That’s the worst.)

15. Every single kid under the age of 15 in my congregation seems to consider me a big sister, and tbh I’m quite content with that. I never want any of my own, but I love them all. That’s enough for me.

16. My parents forced me to learn so I could take me and my brother to school. Not sure why, I crashed the car the week before spring break. (It was, both fortunately and unfortunately, 2020. We didn’t need a second car)

17. Nearsighted

18. A love beauty and planet shampoo. Don’t care what scent, just as long as it’s meant for curly hair. The cheapest, most nourishing conditioner I can get my hands on (right now I think it’s garnier). Herbal essences curling mousse. A gel if I need it to last longer than a day (I usually don’t. My scalp starts to stink if I don’t wash every day). I used to use a briogeo exfoliating shampoo every once in a while, but that got expensive. (I start a new job next week though, so maybe I’ll buy a celebratory tub)

19. Bet. Hand them over. I can’t promise they’ll be pretty, but I know a little bit of what I’m doing.

20. Neither. I call them all Coke. (But to actually answer the question, if I have to, I use soda.)

21. Clarissa, my stuffed doll. She was my mom’s and now she’s mine. My aunt has her twin, Belinda. Tbh I really need to send her to a doll hospital cause she’s all worn in the armpits, but I just keep putting it off (read: I’m terrified of something happening to her cause I’ve had her since I was a baby and I don’t wanna lose her)

22. You know the glass half full/half empty test? My answer to that question depends on the glass’s state before it got to where it is now. Was it full and then poured out? It’s now half empty. Was it empty and then water was poured in it? It’s now half full.

In other words, I’m realistic. Dedicated. Sarcastic. Patient. Brutally honest. Self-sabotaging. Perceived as smart even though I’m probably the dumbest person in any given room. I like to believe the best of people, but don’t really trust them. A mess in social situations.

23. I’m from a climate that doesn’t get chilly weather. For reference, in 2010 I went to New York, and while they were suffering in a 70 degree F heatwave, I was complaining that I was cold in the shade. I appreciate it more nowadays because it’s so hot all the time down here.

24. Watching the stars, maybe. I’ll make you tea if you want it and snuggle you in blankets. Maybe we can talk about our realities.

25. Lotion, easily. Half my family and a lot of people I know are allergic to scents. I think I’d like to get into perfume, but not now.

26. What I’d do if everything in my life suddenly went horribly wrong. The definition of horribly wrong varies depending on how I’m feeling that day.

27. Last night, about six. It varies from 5-8 on a good night. During the month of August, though, it always goes down to 3-4. Not sure why. Maybe school trauma? Idk

28. Physically, not unless I’m sick. Emotionally? All the time. Supposedly it’s more polite that way.

29. BOILING. I make some concessions so that my family can have hot water when they shower, but put me in a hotel and I’m cranking that all the way up.

30. The aforementioned yeti. I just ran out of water. I should probably get more.

31. Anything with a very strong beat. When I’m stressed, I like to imagine it’s my heartbeat.

32. No, but I always use the teal colored one. (My family can’t tell the difference between towels if they’re all the same color.)

33. Anytime I have thirty minutes to wander the mall before I have to go to work. That’s an adventure to me.

34. A lot. But I’ll stick to what’s running through my brain right now:

35. Central standard, otherwise known as Chicago. I’m pretty far away from Chicago.

36. Once, and then I immediately made a sideblog with that url. My tag “meet jade” was originally “meet astra”. I like the name Astra, which is why it’s my Ao3, but I’ve always been known as Jade online.

37. For her privacy, I call her Jaz. She does ballet. I love her.

38. I don’t know a whole lot of soap bars? Right now I’m using the dove cucumber scented one. It’s nice.

39. I use Vaseline more often than anything else. I own an Estée Lauder lip balm that I bought when I was first starting to work, and a tower 28 lip balm that I bought because I needed it for a Sephora birthday gift. I like them both, but they were kinda pricey (not so much the tower 28 tho), so I use them sparingly.

40. Because my little old lady was being defiant, her daughter bought me a slice of chocolate cheesecake for putting up with her. It was delicious. I’ve had stomach cramps ever since I finished it. (It was monster size though, so that was probably on me.)

41. Again, I don’t. There is no amount of cream or sugar in the world that will make coffee palatable for me.

42. Instagram, pokemon go, notability (my word processor)

43. I can handle a mild spice, but nothing crazy. I usually avoid it.

44. Pass. (I still might actually kill him, so don’t ask.)

45. I played monster hunter and ran errands. I was supposed to arrange my tournament bracket. Whoops.

46. Pass. (Again, don’t ask.)

47. Asking my little old lady’s daughter if her doctor did telemedicine. I never want to experience that again.

48. I’m a bit of a prude, so I had my first drink at the ripe old age of 21. It was a chocolate martini. I hated it. I much prefer daiquiris.

49. I can get them to bounce once, and that’s it.

50. You can. I prefer it sparingly, or sent to me, but honestly, at this point it’s just nice to be included.

#meet jade #no hate. I just really wanted to talk tonight since I had a good day. that post was a good excuse to #feel free to ignore

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elviratheepic · 1 year ago

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Idk if I'll stick with this, but I've been in hospital for over a week now and I can feel my brain turning to mush, so I'm thinking it might be good to post like a journal thingy here. I can just throw my thoughts to the void and if anyone feels like throwing any thoughts back at me, maybe I'll reminded what human interaction is lol

And who knows, maybe some bits and pieces of my experiences rn might be handy to someone who ends up seeing it. This is a weird time for me, maybe someone else around here's having, has had or will have some similar weird times and we'll have made a little connection even if we don't speak :)

I mentioned it briefly in a post on my art blog, but to flesh it out a bit, I've been generally run down and really quite unwell like all summer and now into autumn. Been back and forth to the doctor, told I have chest infections, possible asthma, etc. I get booked in for an xray and then something looks weird so a ct scan, still thinking it's pneumonia with some odd symptoms, then a couple days later I get a call from my doctor telling me i am going to the hospital asap, there's a bunch of fluid in my chest that should not be there and also they need to check for lymphoma. I've never been to hospital for more than an orthodontist appointment and while not as surprised as I could be expected to be by the thought of cancer due to having had a weird anxiety fixation thing on the idea for a while (fun coincidence), it was still a bit of an ordeal lol. This was 10 days ago and I have not been home since. I've been coping pretty well considering the wild lack of control I feel over literally anything rn. The steroids they've got me on rn while I wait for further treatment have me feeling better than I have in a long while, and mentally the worst I've been dealing with is some fairly mild dissociation. Just kind of taking things as they come for now, rolling with things as best I can especially while so many things are kind of a bit up in the air and subject to change.

But I mean drama aside, the current diagnosis for me is pretty good. The cancer as it appears right now is treatable and has a pretty great cure rate. It's a "primary mediastinal large B-cell lymphoma" according to the leaflet I've got. It's high grade, so fast acting and aggressive but that actually makes these easier to get rid of than low grade slower working ones. It's hanging out next to my heart so that's the reason I've had all these bullshit symptoms in my chest cuz it's just been fuckin shit up in there and irritating its roommates. They've got me booked in for a pet scan day after tomorrow cuz the scanner was having issues so they couldn't get me in sooner, then the plan is to start chemotherapy the next day. Which will be an experience. The treatment plan we've basically already decided is 6 21-day cycles of chemo where I'll be in hospital for about 5 days getting monitored and adjusted treatment, then going home for the rest and coming back to start the cycle again. It's not going to be the most fun and easy experience of my life but tbh I've done hard things before and I know I'm capable of doing this. Not that this kind of thing can ever really come at a "good" time, but I think that personally I'm pretty lucky this came along at the point in my life it did. I've been able to spend the last couple years basically building myself back up from feeling entirely lost, shattered and directionless after a pretty traumatic attempt at university durring covid lockdowns. I'm maybe lacking in some life experience people my age tend to have, but ultimately I have confidence, strength and self-awareness now that I do not take for granted. Basically I got the chance to reinforce my foundations in unkowing preparation for this whole thing. Honestly, I'm kind of just curious who I'll be on the other side of this experience - wherever that may be.

My main concern has been my siblings. I'm the oldest of 3 and we're all very close, spend a lot of time together and are at the core of eachothers' support systems. One of them's got college stress and deadlines, the other's out of school with anxiety issues rn, and my instinct is to be there as a support. And of course they would be supporting me too, it's not all give, they're amazing at being there for me too especially while I've been unwell (I love them so so much and I'm proud of everything they do can you tell lol). But while they have been visiting when they can, we don't get so much time together rn with me being in hospital and I feel like it's hard to get a gauge on how things really are with eachother at the moment which is rough with there being so much change going on rn. I know we'll figure things out, but I can't help worrying about them a bit, I feel like it's kind of my job lol

Oof can you tell it's getting late and my brain's going sleepy ramble mode? Idk if I'm even making much sense but hey

The ward I've been moved to for this is good. It's a cancer ward for teens and young adults with a common room area funded by the teenage cancer trust. There's guitars, a ps4, craft supplies and free snacks. It feels so weird that like that space is for me to use, like I'm kinda tresspassing on something for people who need it more than I do. But the ward's fairly quiet and not so busy at the moment, so when my siblings and briefly my friend came to visit me today, we basically had free reign of the space without having to disturb anyone. I feel more comfortable in there than I did, and I think it's a good space for my siblings to be when they come visit. I'm really greatful they get to use it with me - even if I feel kind of like others deserve the space more (ik im being silly), seeing them get good use and some fun out of it today was good and reassuring. It's reassuring to hear people talking about there being support systems for siblings too should they need them. Especially when it feels like I can't look out for them so much in the ways I normally would.

But yeah, I think that's about all that's in my brain for right now. I'll look back on this tomorrow and realise none of this actually made any sense lol

But yeah basically got thrown a bit of a curveball lately as life tends to do, but there's answers now where there wasn't before, and the path ahead's starting to make itself visible. It sucks, but I've been worse. I'm not just saying that for the sake of offsetting the fact that it sucks, I'm just taking the the little wins where i can cuz I know that's gotten me through plenty rough and sucky times before.

Some little wins:

Woke up to magpies outside the window this morning. One came right up to the glass to say hi, but I couldn't snap a picture in time lol <3

My friend brought me a rainbow sensory slug companion, and I made a pipecleaner creature named Spigley while my siblings were here. They are friends and will be my chemo companions :)

(Idk if that's a mouth or a moustache but i think it suits him either way)

#elv talks #long post #chemo chronicles #i guess lol #cancer tw #hospital tw #ask to tag

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kindahoping4forever · 2 years ago

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There's Just No Getting Through Without You // Ashton Irwin

There's not much excuse explanation for this one tbh - I saw the crochet hat/beard/tank selfie and not only did I (obviously) lose it but this entire narrative inexplicably spun itself in my mind and I wrote a good chunk of this fic in one sitting (secretly because I was actually supposed to be finishing up the edits on the collab series Cass and I were about to be posting 😌🤫). More than ever, thanks to @cal-puddies for indulging my breakdown. 💙

Warnings: Boyfriend on tour!Ash. Slight angst (no conflict, just emo feels) that is happily resolved. Backstage comfort sex including female receiving oral and unprotected sex in an established relationship. It's a soft one, friends.

Word Count: 5050

Masterlist // Ko-Fi linked above

Reblogs and feedback are greatly appreciated!

Ashton grumbles to himself as he flops down onto the dressing room couch. He loves being on tour - traveling the world, meeting people and playing music are some of his greatest passions and greatest pleasures - but days like today still have the ability to make part of him wish he had taken on a simpler vocation.

He’s not sure what city they’re currently in but he is sure he never wants to visit again because the experience has been such a nightmare. The band stayed at a hotel in the last city because the ride to the next one was only supposed to take a few hours. It was a literal rude awakening when their tour manager banged on each of their doors at 4am to announce there were new road closures on the route and everyone now had one hour to load onto the bus before they had to leave to make up the time.

Unfortunately, leaving early made little difference as the detours impacted traffic throughout the city, meaning they were still late to the radio station they were stopping by to promote the gig, which meant they were also late to the venue, one of Ashton’s least favorite things to be. They would’ve been late to soundcheck as well but fortunately? Unfortunately? Perspective is relative at this point but the fact of the matter is they are currently unable to soundcheck because now inclement weather is of concern at this outdoor venue and the promoters are asking for the show to be pushed back at least an hour, maybe two, in hopes that the worst of it passes. It’s not like it matters, anyways - the trucks with their equipment got caught in traffic as well and the crew just began unloading.

Topping the list of Ash’s complaints, the worst part of his day, hands down, was saying goodbye to you. You’d spent the past week and a half on the road with him and he knew you’d be leaving this morning but that didn’t make it any easier. Not to mention that because of the change in schedule, he’d had to leave you much earlier than originally planned. He expected to have one last breakfast with you, maybe a shower, some sort of properly improper goodbye. Not you, bleary-eyed and disoriented, having to run around the hotel room to help him find his phone charger before he left you with a rushed kiss at the door while Calum texted empty threats about the bus departing without him.

He hopes you’re having a good day, that you aren’t too nervous on your flight. He knows you hate it and he hopes he’s made it clear how much he appreciates you enduring to come see him, that he’s proud of you for overcoming that anxiety. His fingers twitch, instinctively wanting to send a quick text to tell you all that but he stops himself, lacing his fingers together across his chest to keep from reaching for the phone. He knows if he messages you, you’ll keep talking to each other until he gets called to stage and he wants you to rest, focus on staying calm while you’re in the air. He hopes you were able to get back to sleep after he left this morning. He hopes you’re napping now. Actually, that wouldn’t be a bad idea for himself either.

He makes himself more comfortable, shrugging off the button down shirt he had over his tank, adjusting the pillow behind him, kicking off his shoes. He checks the volume on his phone - when the show was delayed, everyone else went to the hotel while he opted to stay at the venue, partly out of obligation and partly because he just wanted to be alone - and finally, he tugs his hat down over his eyes and takes a deep, cleansing breath. He’s usually not one for using sleep to escape, he believes in facing the present head on, living viscerally and in the moment. He tells himself he’s going to sleep for practical reasons, that it’s already been a long day and he needs to recharge for the show. But if he’s honest, he’s taking a nap because he knows you’ll be waiting for him in his dreams. Having you with him always makes things better and even if it’s just for a little while, he’ll take that in any form he can get it right now.

***

The backstage corridor echoes with the sound of your long, tired exhale. You’re exhausted, you’re frustrated but at least you’re here. The tour manager said Ash was resting in the back dressing room, the one with the extra trunks of clothes, the ice bath, the catch all for the auxiliary supplies the band doesn’t want crowding their main space. You held back a wince when you heard he was back there, you know that means he’s having a bad day and doesn’t want to be bothered.

You take another deep breath as you make your way down to the opposite end of the hall. You’d run into Luke when you stopped by the hotel just now and he gave a brief summary of the shitshow they’d been through since you parted ways earlier that morning. You hope Ash is okay, that he’s being kind to himself. Nothing that happened today was his fault but you know him well enough to know that isn’t enough to keep himself out of the line of fire when he’s ruminating on the day’s events. And you know he’s ruminating.

So many things have gone wrong today, you half expect the dressing room to be locked when you reach it but the handle on the door easily jiggles when you try it. You knock quietly and after a few beats of silence, you give another series of taps as you crack the door open to take a peek. You’re instantly met with the sound of snoring and you feel both endearment and relief at the discovery. At least he’s resting, at least if he’s asleep then he’s not stressed.

Trying to minimize your chance of disturbing him, you slip your shoes off and leave your backpack by the door. You tiptoe into the room slowly, walking around to the front of the couch, and stop dead in your tracks as your boyfriend comes into view. You never knew people actually swooned in real life but you feel yourself go weak in the knees when you see him lying on his side, bare feet tucked together in between the seat cushion and the back of the couch, bulky arms hugged tightly around himself, making his large frame look downright small.

His bright orange crochet hat peeks out from where his face is buried in the back of the couch. serving as a makeshift eye mask, its floppy bill stretched down to obscure half his face; you smile at the memory of him immediately spotting it in the pile of fan gifts from the previous show, how he excitedly pulled it on while he read the note from its creator and followed them on Twitter. Surely the scenario you’re currently observing was not its intended use but kudos to him for being innovative.

You’ve done your best not to wake him thus far but the urge to curl up with him is too strong to ignore and you ease yourself onto the couch behind him. You tuck one arm under your head and drape the other gently across his chest, flattening yourself against his back. Lying with him is an instant comfort - breathing in his scent, feeling the warmth of his body, the chemical satisfaction of your skin on his, even if it’s just what your tank tops will allow.

You indulge one more impulse and press a kiss to his bare shoulder, making sure your lips hit a particular pair of freckles. You feel him begin to stir and you freeze but your caution quickly turns to heartache when he breathes out a soft sigh that resembles your name, as if feeling your affection wasn’t unexpected, despite your departure. You watch the surprise set in when he instinctively grabs your hand resting on his chest and his head cocks to the side, as he realizes where he fell asleep and that he should be alone.

“...Baby?” Ashton whispers curiously, lifting his hat and peering over his shoulder to find your patient expression. His eyes widen at the discovery and he turns onto his other side to face you, still holding your hand. “Baby, why… wha… How are you real?”

You chuckle softly, squeezing his fingers. “They started delaying flights because of the weather and I was quick enough to hop on one here before the storm came this way. Figured if I was gonna be stuck somewhere, I’d rather have it be with you.”

A variety of emotions cross his face and he ultimately lands on concern. “Aww, sweetheart, I’m sorry… are you going to be OK with work and everything?”

“I’ve been texting my boss but like… it’s weather, there’s not anything that can be done, you know?” You rub his arm, wanting to curb any misplaced guilt he might have brewing.

“Yeah…” He trails off, going quiet for a minute before touching your face, looking like he needed additional confirmation you’re really in front of him. “Well, I’m sorry your plans got ruined but I’m very grateful you’re here.”

He leans in, placing possibly the softest kiss you’ve ever felt on your lips. “Me too, babe.” You say quietly, lifting his hat off so you can brush his hair back. “I dropped my stuff off at the hotel and Luke told me a little bit about how the day’s been. Sounded frustrating, I’m sorry.”

“Ugggghhhhhh,” he grumbles, running his hands over his face. “Baby, you can’t even imagine…”

Ash launches into the unabridged version of his tale of woe, complete with impressions of various management, event hosts and band members. You giggle, ooh and aww at all the appropriate intervals and you can tell that sharing his experience with you is giving him the catharsis he needed. By story’s end, he’s moved onto his back and pulled you onto his chest. One hand strokes gently through your hair, the other rests on your hip, undemanding but keeping you close. His voice, tired but warm, has gotten noticeably quieter since he took you into his arms and as you lay with him, you can feel his body relaxing against yours, the stress of the day fading as he melts into you.

The more relaxed he is, the less he has to rant about and soon, the quiet whir of the air conditioner is the only noise that fills the room. You run your fingers up and down the long chain from his pendant necklace, appreciating that the rise and fall of his chest seems to be getting deeper, that he’s continuing to calm down.

He kisses your forehead, smiling against it as he murmurs, “When you got here, I was dreaming about you.”

“Oh?” You prop yourself up to look at him, smiling sweetly.

“Yeah… we were in bed --”

Your smile turns to a smirk and you raise your eyebrows suggestively.

“No, not like that… well… I don’t know, maybe,” he giggles, pinching your ass. “Nothing was really happening, we were just touching and talking like this.”

“But in bed?”

“Mmm hmm.”

“Naked?”

“There were sheets but my brain is pretty fond of you naked so my guess would be yes.”

You snuggle in tighter to him, pressing a kiss to his collarbone. “Sounds like a nice dream.”

Ashton cradles your jaw, thumb stroking affectionately over your cheek. “I hated that I had to leave without saying goodbye this morning,” he admits.

“Well… you did say the word goodbye to me,” you point out with a grin, trying to lighten his mood.

He smirks and continues your implication. “Yeah, but my mouth usually puts in a little more work than that, doesn’t it?”

You giggle wickedly as he slides his hands in your back pockets to push you up his body and into a playful kiss. You scratch your nails along his beard, longing to hear the noise he always makes when you do; he delivers, deepening the kiss as he groans, one of his hands moving from your pocket to slip up the back of your shirt. His fingertips are still raw and cracked from drumming the night before but it’s Ash so you love it and you shiver at the rough designs they trace on your skin.

His bottom lip between your teeth, you pull away and coyly ask, “How would you have wanted the morning to go if we’d had more time?”

He matches your teasing tone, answering, “Oh, I had lots of ideas.”

You peck along his jaw and when you reach his ear, you whisper, “Gimme your Top 3 then.”

“Hmm… definitely would’ve slept in. Then maybe a nice stroll to that cafe we found across from the hotel? Pancakes and coffee.”

“Mmm, that sounds lovely,” you coo, nipping at his ear, tugging gently on the gold hoop he wears, earning a murmur of acknowledgement. “Number one?”

“Oh, my number one choice definitely would’ve been spending as much time as I could with my face buried between your legs.”

The casual way he delivered that statement is as surprising as it is hot and he lets out a low chuckle at the way your breath catches. Desire obvious in your voice, you egg him on with a simple, “Oh?”

Ash shrugs, trying to feign nonchalance but unable to keep a self-satisfied grin from spreading across his face. “At least long enough for you to feel the scratch of my beard on your thighs all the way home.” He brings you into a heated kiss and you moan, feeling his tongue dance with yours and imagining it moving like that on your pussy. “Long enough to taste you on my beard for the rest of the day.”

“Jesus, Ash,” you groan, pressing your hips against his. He parts your legs with one of his, providing just enough pressure to get you whining into his mouth as you make out. He kisses you slowly but with purpose, his hands and lips focused on all the ways he knows make you feel most loved and wanted by him. By the time his hands have moved down to grip your ass, slowly rocking you on his thigh, you feel irredeemably needy for him.

“So happy you’re here, love,” he murmurs against your lips. “So glad I get some more time with you… appreciating you… loving on you.” He punctuates each of these declarations with a kiss and a soft squeeze of your hips, pressing you onto his leg.

“Nowhere else I’d rather be, babe,” you say honestly, breathlessly, rolling your hips, openly looking for friction now.

His lips curl into a mischievous smile. “There’s someplace I’d rather you be though,” he responds, bringing a hand up to stroke his beard. “Climb up here. Let me drown in you, baby.”

It’s not the filthiest thing he’s ever said to you but the sincerity in his eyes makes his request unbearably hot, you can tell he’s craving your taste in this moment. You get up off the couch, whimpering at how instantly chilly you feel without his body heat against you, and hastily kick off your pants and underwear. You climb back up, sitting on his chest, waiting for him to be ready.

He settles back against the pillow, running his hands over your now bare thighs before narrowing his eyes in thought. “How would you feel about losing this?” He asks, tugging at your oversized tour tee. Your hands reach for the hem while your eyes momentarily flit in the direction of the door, unsure if you locked it. He notices your hesitance and reassures you, “There’s no one here, baby, and anyone who is knows to leave me be.”

Your desire to feel him on you outweighs any concerns you have and you peel your top off, tossing your bra aside as well. Your decision is immediately rewarded with Ashton’s warm touch tracing up your sides before landing on your breasts, his large hands kneading them appreciatively. “Was mainly concerned for your sake,” you tease, placing your hands over his and squeezing. “Getting girls naked backstage? Thought you were all grown out of that phase by now.”

He giggles at your jab, tweaking your nipples in retaliation. “Appreciate you lookin’ out for me, love,” he jokes. “That mean you’re planning on keeping quiet too?”

You bite your lip, watching him eye you smugly as hand drifts between your legs. “Of course, I would never embarrass us like that,” you say, barely able to keep a straight face, thinking of the hotel noise complaint you received the first night of your visit.

He smirks, dragging his fingers through your wetness before drawing slow, feather light circles on your clit. You, of course, let out a low moan at the much anticipated contact. “Bold of you to assume I’m not proud of how I make my girl feel so fuckin’ good she can’t help but scream.”

His fingers increase their pressure and you moan again before leaning down to capture his lips in a charged kiss. “Mouth’s doing a lot of talking but not much else,” you sass, rolling your hips on his hand.

He grins, giving a quick slap to your bottom. “Anytime, baby,” he laughs, bringing a hand up to frame his mouth. “Your throne awaits.”

The both of you giggle as you move up to hover over his face. You look down and feel your heart begin to race, seeing the love drunk way he’s staring up at your body, licking his lips, caressing your thighs. “So fuckin’ beautiful,” he rasps. “So wet, so perfect, so ready for me… always so happy to eat this pussy, baby, so grateful I get another chance before you leave.”

You sigh his name as you lower yourself, gasping as your body makes contact with his mouth. He grips your thighs, pressing teasing open mouth kisses up and down your folds, making sure no area of your pussy feels unappreciated, while strategically stopping short of paying any attention to your clit. You impatiently wiggle around, trying to direct his movements by tangling your hands in his curls, trying to force some kind of stimulation but he’s too familiar with all your tricks and too stubborn to let you employ them.

“Ash,” you start, fingers pulling in his hair.

Muffled giggles sound out from underneath you. “Love, I’ve just started, you can’t be that impatient,” he laughs. He nips at your inner thighs and you feel him smile against your skin as you react to the feel of his beard. “Gimme a chance, let me work my magic.”

“Magic, eh?”

He scoffs, accepting your unspoken challenge. He makes his way up and down your center again, this time slowly dragging his tongue, making sure to trace every intricate detail of you. When he reaches your clit, he makes up for ignoring it before, lapping short but stiff strokes before wrapping his lips around it, providing loud, firm suction with complementary flourishes of his tongue circling you.

“Oh god, Ash,” you whine. He murmurs something in response and the vibrations of his voice against you add extra stimulation. You jump at the feeling of his tongue switching to a rapid fluttering motion and his grip on you tightens. You let him hold you, grateful for the support - he’s making you feel so good you’re not quite sure what to do with yourself and your hands indecisively alternate between your tits, your thighs and his hair.

Ash’s hands come around to your ass, squeezing as he pushes you up to check in. “Baby… first it wasn’t enough and now it’s too much?” He asks, tone half-curious, half-teasing.

You take a deep breath, shrugging. “Not too much, just really really good.”

His touch roams your body, moving from your ass to rub at your thighs to cup your tits. He asks with a twinkle in his eye, “You want me to stop?”

“Don’t you fucking dare,” you laugh, playfully yanking his hair.

He chuckles, pressing a kiss to the inside of each of your thighs. “Think you should ride my face, love,” he suggests, suddenly licking a fat stripe up your pussy, enjoying the way your body jerks in reaction. “Your thighs are barely red, baby, it’s time to put in work.”

You grin and joke, “How else am I gonna remember you and this encounter without marks on my body?”

He giggles, positioning you back over his mouth. “Exthacthly," he says, speech impaired by the way he exaggeratedly has his tongue flattened and hanging out of his mouth, somehow making it look even wider than it already is.

You laugh at his goofiness but it gives way to a low hiss when he sucks your clit back between his lips. You begin working your hips, trying to match the rhythm he’s already using. The two of you communicate through grunts and murmurs, working together to find a pace that makes you breathless.

“Mmm… Ash…” You pant, pulling gently at his curls. He relaxes his tongue and the change in pressure makes you gasp. You groan quietly as you grind against him, leaning into the way he’s sloppily kissing your pussy. “Feels so good… you make me feel so good. Always do.”

A pleasantly painful burn warms your thighs, the result of both beard friction and muscle exertion as you continue to ride his face, the promise of your climax stirring within you. He grabs your ass, massaging your cheeks as you speed up to chase it. The more frantic your movements become, the tighter he grasps you and you cry out at the realization he’s leaving marks there too.

“Ash… babe… God, I’m… fuck, Ash, fuck,” you ramble, your orgasm suddenly threatening to wash over you. He keeps it consistent, letting the sensation build and build until he feels your legs tense around his head. You whine and huff through the waves of pleasure, Ash’s grip the only thing keeping you steady as your hips slow and your body goes slack.

“I’ve got you, sweetheart, I’ve got you,” he soothes, gently rubbing over your skin until you’re ready for him to help you down. He lays you on his chest again, wrapping his arms around your naked body, wanting to keep you warm. “Taste so good, rode my face so well… sound so beautiful cumming for me, love. Thank you.”

You weakly push yourself up, in search of a kiss. You groan at the taste of yourself on his tongue and again when you pull back to see his lips swollen and beard glistening as a result of your activities. “You’re good at that,” you say simply, brain too frazzled to think of a better way of putting it. He chuckles at your compliment, laughs becoming louder when you start to snuggle but stop to tug at his tank top and frown. “Why is this still here?”

He heeds your complaint, raising his arms to discard the offending clothing. He tries to pull you back into his arms but you continue to pout, eyes darting to glare at his jeans before looking up at him again. He snorts, pops the button and starts to shimmy them off. “If you wanted me naked, baby, could’ve just said so.”

“How do you not know by now that’s always implied?” You tease, finally curling up on him, lips immediately pressing to his chest, hand immediately wrapping around the bulge in his boxers.

“You’re right, baby, that’s my bad,” he laughs, running his hands up and down all your bare skin he can reach. He coaxes you into a slow kiss which easily becomes a lazy make out, the two of you unhurriedly touching each other. Your fingers dip inside his waistband and he pecks your lips, insisting, “I’m fine, sweetheart, you don’t have to.”

You nip at his neck and reply, “Don’t have to but want to.” You squeeze his cock, using the precum already formed at the tip to ease the slow strokes you begin on his length. He exhales deeply, eyes fluttering as your thumb rubs that spot just under the head like he loves. “How can I make you feel good, babe? Anything you want.”

“Mmm…” Ashton sighs. He closes his eyes and catches his lip between his teeth as you spoil him with affection: one hand twisting on his shaft, the other tracing an intricate design around his nipple. Your mouth marks a bright red spot onto the dip of his shoulder, careful to follow along his tan lines so it’ll stay covered on stage. “Think I wanna feel you around me.”

“I can do that,” you murmur, kissing up his jaw to his lips. You can tell he’s about to try to turn you over and you shake your head as you tug down his boxers. “Nah, just relax, babe. It’s my turn.”

You swing your leg over to straddle him and pull his cock away from his stomach, ducking down to lick over the drops of precum that have stuck to his tummy; he moans at the contact and you moan back, loving the way you can feel his breath shudder under your tongue.

Holding his gaze, you reach between your legs and run his length through your folds, coating him in your arousal. He realizes he’d been holding his breath and he puffs it out loudly, hands rubbing over your thighs in an attempt to ground himself. You press the head of his cock against your entrance, slowly pushing him inside as the two of you groan in unison.

Ash’s fingers dig into your hips as you sink down on him with remarkable restraint, inch by inch, torturously slow. You finally allow him to bottom out and your head lulls back as you squeeze your eyes shut and lick your lips, relishing the feeling of him filling you up. His hands travel up your body to grab your breasts, massaging them firmly.

“You alright, love?” He asks, slightly concerned you remain unmoving.

You nod as you lean in to give him a hungry kiss. “After this morning went the way it did, thought I wouldn’t feel you like this for a while,” you explain, stroking his beard, smiling into another kiss. “Just enjoying it.”

He wraps his arms around you, holding you tight against him while he remains buried in you. “Good, baby, me too.” You begin rocking your hips at a leisurely pace, letting him slide in and out while you continue to press kisses to his mouth. His hands travel down to your ass, squeezing your cheeks as he helps you grind on his cock. He sighs dreamily, “Fuck, I love you.”

“Love you too, babe,” you breathe, nipping at his jaw before righting yourself, running your fingers along his chest hair, massaging his pecs as you start more of a bouncing rhythm. You chuckle watching the large pendant he’s wearing dance across his chest as you move on his body. He tries to bring a hand between you to work your clit but you intercept it, interlacing your fingers and kissing his knuckles. “Wanna focus on you… I’ll go again later at the hotel.”

He moans, maybe it’s from the way you’re rotating your hips, maybe it’s from the knowledge that this doesn’t have to be the last time he has you before you leave, that your goodbye can last all day long, maybe into tomorrow if you’re lucky and the weather doesn’t clear up. Whatever the cause, you recognize the tone and know he’s getting close. You pick up the pace and his hands return to your tits, eager to hold them while you ride.

You lean back, bracing your hands on his thighs, arching your back and giving him quite the show as you work your bodies faster. Ashton now has a clear view of his cock disappearing inside you and as he becomes hypnotized watching you take him over and over, he lets out a low hum that becomes more and more whiny as it goes on.

“Baby…”

“I know… Want you to… Wanna feel…”

A series of whimpers escape his throat and then with a final grunt, he throws his head back, mouth hanging open in a silent cry. You feel his thighs tense under your touch and his hands desperately tighten around your breasts as his cock begins pulsing inside you. You coo soft praise and encouragement as he cums, caressing his chest, watching him closely for the signal that he needs you to stop moving.

He meets your eyes again, grinning as his hand trails over your stomach. “You sure, love?” He asks, fingers ready to continue their journey down.

You smile softly, insisting, “Just want a cuddle, to be honest.”

“Oh fuck yeah, sweetheart, me too,” he agrees, flexibly reaching behind himself for the tissue box on the end table.

You giggle at his enthusiasm and he smiles dopily as he cleans you up and lays back down so you can relax into his open arms. You snuggle into his side, laughing, “Guess you’re gonna have to think of some new goodbye sex ideas now.”

“OK well first of all, that wasn’t the goodbye sex. Trust me, you’d know if it were goodbye sex,” Ash protests boastfully, giggling as he squeezes your ass. “And second, as long as we’re naked, no thinking about saying goodbye or leaving or not being together in any way will be permitted, thanks.”

“My bad.”

“Them’s the rules.”

You poke the tattoo on his rib, teasing, “How can we have goodbye sex if we’re not allowed to think about goodbyes when we’re naked?”

He snorts, struggling to keep his serious expression. “Them’s the rules.”

You shake your head and peck at his chest. “Well, maybe we’ll luck out and that storm warning will be extended and I’ll get stuck again.”

He holds you tighter and sighs. “Here’s to hoping for another bad day.”

#5sos smut #5 seconds of summer smut #ashton irwin smut #ashton irwin fic #ashton smut #kindahoping4forever #smut #kh4f fic #there's just no getting through without you #no clue where this came from but i'm not mad about it lmao #the doc title for this one was 'floppy hat snugg daddy'#so. that tells you where my mind was at #pls lmk what you think!#feedback via asks and reblog tags are v v much loved and appreciated

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goldengoddess · 4 years ago

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hi i know your requests are closed but could you do headcanons about how it would be to work through almost getting a divorce with nikolai lantsov after kind of falling out of love then deciding not to and working on getting their relationship back to how it was before because that unbreakable love for each other is still there and its noticeable.

love was enough - nikolai lantsov

pairing: nikolai lantsov x reader

a/n: this is really long and the start hurt to write tbh!!! i never think nikolai would say those things so i tried to justify it by his workload,,, nikolai best husband but just for this fic i will make an exception

warnings: angst!!! divorce, mention of not getting sleep, two people not taking care of themselves, ends happy dont worry friends

no one ever said falling in love with the king of ravka would be easy

in reality, they said exactly the opposite

that it would be the most difficult obstacle of all times

after a couple of years married to nikolai lantsov, you knew they were right

nikolai was sunshine, he was good in every way a man could be good

and he loved so fiercely that sometimes it made your heart hurt

but he loved so much, he loved ravka, he loved his work as privateer, as king

he was dedicated to everything he did, never leaving anything half done

but it wasn't easy to dedicate himself to his projects and his country and to you as well

and you weren't a saint either

you were constantly travelling, fulfilling your duties as queen of ravka

attending parties and events that nikolai hated, creating friendships and alliances with different nobles

and also attending to your duties regarding the first army, a responsibility you took very seriously

and at the end of the day, there was little energy left to spend on the other

but somehow the two of you seemed to have enough energy to fight

it would happen every couple of weeks

small little petty comments turning into screaming matches that ended with you sleeping in a guest room instead of your shared room

it had never been like this between the two of you

you'd grown up with each other, falling in love slowly and beautifully the way two children who wanted to change the world did

one day it all got out of hand

you were sat at your desk in your shared room with nikolai, writing letters to nobles in shu han

nikolai walked in the room and just from the looks of him you knew it would be a difficult night, so you'd opted not to say anything

which only made matters worse

"what? no hello for your husband?" he'd let out a little scoff and kicked off his shoes

you had turned your attention to him and gave him a forced smile, "hi nikolai, how are you?"

a 'baby' almost slipped out your mouth but the two you hadn't used nicknames with each other in a long time

he shook his head and narrowed his eyes at the papers in front of you, "what are you working on?"

you let out a tired sigh. "saints, i've been writing and answering correspondence all day, surprised my arms hasn't fallen off" you had tried to joke

but nikolai was tired, he was hurt. little did you know, but an attack that he had ordered and coordinated had gone horribly wrong and he'd lost some of his best men in battle

so he was mean, out of sadness, anger at himself, misplaced onto you

he'd scoffed once again, "like that's real work"

you hadn't known the details of the day, but you knew nikolai and you knew the comment wasn't out of anger

but it had stung

and when you responded accordingly it had ended in a screaming match

nikolai disrespecting your work was the last straw

the next day, you came back to your room

packed a small bag with your clothes

and left divorce papers on nikolai's desk

you cried for weeks

didn't say a word to anyone but genya

and only because you'd shown up to her room at the little palace, sobbing, asking for a place to sleep

it was the worst time of your life

and though you didn't know, it was also the worst point for nikolai

he worked for hours

throwing himself into every project he could get his hands on

never sleeping

filling his body with caffeine

working for five days straight and then sleep 48 hours after

it was hell for the two of you

after about a month genya convinced you to take a walk in the forest, clear your head and get some fresh air

but your traitorous feet led you to the hidden spot next to the lake where nikolai had first kissed

you sat with your feet in the lake and cried silently

as fate would have it, nikolai was taking his first break in weeks at the same time

finding the same place

except when he got there, he found you crying

he crept closer and placed a hesitant hand on your shoulder

you quickly pulled your hands away from your face in shock and flinched when your eyes met nikolai's hazel ones

his heart broke at your reaction to his presence

"um, i," he stuttered, "i can go."

you wiped your eyes and stood up, "no it's okay. i'll go. it was a mistake coming here."

you started walking away from him, holding yourself because in that moment you felt like you could fall apart at any moment

"please don't go" you heard behind you

when you turned nikolai had tears in his eyes and you finally noticed the dark circles under his eyes, the redness that lined his eyes

you knew you probably looked the same

"nikolai" you sighed "i can't do this. i was hurting for so long. i was not happy the way we were."

he stepped closer to you, "then let's not be like that anymore. lets start again. let me do better, please. you are the single greatest thing that has ever happened to me. give me a second chance, i promise on the crown that it will be different."

you sniffled and thought about it

as much as you loved the beautiful boy in front of you, it hurt to love him

but you didn't want to stop loving him

and you wanted what the two of you had before

so you'd nodded

and the two of you had spent the rest of the afternoon sitting by the lake, talking about what you thought had gone wrong between the two of you

the two of you kept that routine, sitting and talking by the lake, for the next two months

after two weeks you asked him for the divorce papers back

the grin nikolai wore at your words gave you the tiniest sliver of hope that everything might work out after all

nikolai agreed to put less on his plate and attend parties with you

the two of you agreed that every saturday would be dedicated to the two of you, no kingly duties involved

one afternoon nikolai places his hand on top of yours

it was the first purposeful contact the two of you had shared in a long time

he'd said " isn't it kind of romantic that the place where our relationship began is also where we sat and tried to start again?"

nikolai started to flirt with you again

and you started to touch him the way you used to

"you look ravishing in those pants" or "you know you love me"

he didn't realize how much he missed the feeling of your hand in his or your touch on his cheek

and you didn't realize how much you needed his comments, how much you needed him to keep trying to win you over

it was hard work

but it did work

a couple of weeks later you decided to come back to his room

you'd decided on a whim

packing up your things quickly and standing outside of the door filled with anxiety

but when nikolai opened up the door and his hair was all messed up from his pillow you knew that you were making the right choice

"hi sobachka" you yawned

he wore his heart on his sleeve at your comment

bursting into a very vivid and awake grin

"hi princess"

the nicknames signified the start of something new

where things would work

because in your case, love was enough

love made it work

taglist;

@vintagebitc @obiwansjedi @thegirlwiththeimpala @hybrid-in-progress @mrs-brekker15 @mrsbrekkers @simplyluvzuko @ode-to-joy @gallysonegoodlung @sixofshadowandbone @castielcouldbeasecretdentist @meiitanoia @caaarstairs @itisroe @the-jess-life @xsamsharons @heavenlymidnight @wtfrae @deardiarystuff @bookishcrows @kazsimp @mriddlemethis

if your name is in bold it means i couldn’t tag you!

#nikolai lanstov #nikolai lantsov x reader #no thoughts just nikolai lantsov #nikolai duology #nikolai x reader #shadow and bone #six of crows #grishaverse #six of crows imagine #grisha #shadow and bone imagine #leigh bardugo

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jehovahhthickness · 2 years ago

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Hova, I am freaking out. I am an emotional wreck. I hope that you & your followers don’t judge me for what I’m about to share.. I just really need someone to listen & somewhere safe to express my feelings/concerns. I’m having a very difficult time processing all of this alone.

I found out Wednesday that I have HSV 1 & 2. I’m positive I know exactly who gave it to me..

A few months ago, I traveled to my home state to visit friends & family over the summer.. Well, I ended up meeting someone through a good friend of mine. He was very kind, funny & handsome so I started really liking him. We talked a lot, went on dates & had a lot of fun out & about. It felt like such a solid & magnetic connection.. We started to spend a lot of time together. It had been almost 2 years of no sex, so I figured I would have some fun.. Which now has turned into a nightmare for me.. I wish I had never gotten involved with this man.. Had I known this outcome would bring me sexual trauma for the rest of my life… Mentally & physically.

I never experienced any cold sores, genital sores, tingling, burning or any symptoms of HSV.. So I never would have thought I had it if I hadn’t gone to my routine woman’s well check earlier this week, got tested & found out. The only thing I noticed recently that makes me suspect it was him was a cluster of small fluid filled bumps on the side of my left middle finger not long after we were intimate. I’ve been on google reading about HSV & I read something called “herpetic whitlow.” It says it’s usually by the nail bed, but I saw some pics towards the middle of the finger that looked similar to what I had going on. I brushed it off thinking maybe it was a burn or something else. I had no clue it could be HSV so I didn’t think much of it at the time.

Now I am very worried because my toddler developed a rash shortly after. He had a few bumps similar to mine on his arm like 3 fluid filled bumps. Then another rash on his groin. (Not his genitals, but on one side of his inner thigh/groin area.) It says whitlow is very contagious & now I’m very very afraid that I could have passed this onto him. Especially changing diapers since it was on my finger & I did not have a band aid on.. Even holding him, a kiss or sharing a cup? It did clear up fairly quickly. He didn’t seem to experience any sort of discomfort. No fever, irritability, crying. It went away on its own & hasn’t returned since I noticed it around September. Although, I’m thinking the worst & also worried it may come back. I am so scared & upset. I just want to make sure that he is okay, but I’m nervous about taking him into the doctor because what if they accuse me of sexual abuse? Then I risk legal problems because of a possible virus on my finger. Maybe I’m just paranoid & overthinking & he’s fine? Google feels more unreliable than ever. Each website has different information & I don’t know what’s true & what’s not.

I wish this never happened. I’m so stressed, depressed, embarrassed, ashamed & angry. My anxiety won’t let me relax thinking I’ve passed this on without meaning to. I feel fucking awful.

Thank you for listening.

Please, please, please use protection guys :(

- Sincerely, one devastated mama..

I want to reassure you that herpes is so fricking common and not lethal to the point that the stigma that’s attached to it is worse than the actual condition itself.

Literally most folks have either both herpes 1 & 2 and have NO idea that they do.

Just me kissing a dude on the mouth and letting him giving me head will give me genital herpes. It is what it is tbh.

Or you could suck on your own finger and masturbate right afterwards can lead to you getting it as well.

You didn’t do anything wrong. This could’ve happened to anyone.

Also, just go to the doctor and explain exactly what you just said to me, CALMLY and it will be fine.

I know you’re pissed, upset and very disappointed in yourself. But you are doing okay, babe.

I can reassure you that you have nothing to panic about. If it was something else, I would be more concern. But it’s just herpes.

As far as your future sexual partners … anyone that’s educated with functioning brain cells won’t trip over it.

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padawansuggest · 2 years ago

Text

Anyways. PSA to anyone who has had COVID and now going to the bathroom is a traumatic and painful experience:

Okay so I was embarrassed to say this sort of thing because ew potty issues, but I have ended up hospitalized way too many times in my life to ignore my colon. It’s almost always the colon for me. My colon is hit or miss, mostly miss, and I had my first (hopefully last) colonoscopy at… idk 22?? 23 maybe.

So I recently told my GP, best GP ever who cares about both my pain levels and mental health, which is awesome, that going to the bathroom was becoming a trauma for me. Like it’s full on giving me nerves and anxiety when I feel the cramps.

She said oh no. I told her it’s been like this since I got COVID several months ago (getting worse over time I mean not me ignoring a major issue for 4 months) and it suddenly clicked in her and she had an entire list of things for me to get, and telling me about how COVID triggered a… allergy response. Like an immune response that is mainly attacking your bowels (half the trauma is because your bowels are soooooo inflamed that anything moving in there is hell) and it lingers. COVID hasn’t been around long enough for us to know how long it lingers but we know it’s at least a few months with it slowly getting worse so that’s not hopeful.

So this allergy response is attacking your bowels, the most likely place to still have traces of COVID or maybe it’s all out and your body just doesn’t know how to stop again. Either way.

- Metamucil, it’s an orange flavor fiber drink that is not made from corn fiber (my worst enemy of the past few years has been getting enough fiber and protein since I’m allergic to corn and it’s EVERYWHERE) and so far has turned my bowel movements from sharp and pointy to, in her own words, fluffy and unobtrusive. I haven’t had a cramp when it’s time to go potty rn, in days. I’ve only been using it since Wednesday this last week. I’m shooketh at the lack of cramps. Cramps has been my normal ‘go potty now’ indicator for years, and no cramps. Wow. I’m defeating IBS lmao. Can be taken up to 3 times a day. Doesn’t make your bowel movements turn liquid like miralax.

- Omega 3 fish oil. Taking daily fish oil can not only improve your focus (it’s an ADHD trick actually, if your focus can be helped with something less powerful than meth, my parents had me on it for a while as a kid and I remember being very calm) but it’s overall good for you, and it reduces inflammation.

- Turmeric. It’s used for reducing inflammation (see how she’s got me on multiple things to reduce inflammation instead of just one? Btw, she isn’t telling me to stop taking pain meds, I actually asked for help that would help me take less pain meds cause I’m taking too many of them and I can develop an allergy to them if I take too many) and I’ve been using it for joint pain for years tbh. I get inflamed joints because my craft of choice involves pinching fibers and pulling them to make yarn, which can put pressure on your joints. Also my back swells like a balloon when I get my period. It helps a lot.

- Calm & Relax, a mixture of Ashwagandha and Magnesium. These relax your muscles. Take them before bed because they help you calm down to sleep, reduce any cramping you’ll have in the night, and genuinely help you reduce movement while sleeping to actually get good sleep. Istg I have been thriving off these the past few days. I feel better.

Anyways. Take the drugs. COVID is nerfing us all directly up the ass and it’s painful, fight back with meds that aren’t just 4 ibuprofen every 8 hours, because that shit catches up with you and it hurts too. Also it just helps reduce the inflammation and pain, but doesn’t actually help your tummy function. This stuff does. I’m replacing my miralax stock with Metamucil. They also got a store brand which is only like 12$ which is great.

#covid19 #tummy issues #actually disabled

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askandsmile · 3 years ago

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i got all y'all's messages and i do think i have more to say, but at the same time i'm just like 🥴️🥴️🥴️

this season isn't great, but this episode was terrible. evan is a terrible writer. he's also a fucked up troll. he likes that he's the b*rchie king, he likes b*rchie, he projects onto them. and truly, the less we try to explain anything about this, the better.

i think i need to wait and watch what comes next (from better writer's hands tbh) until i say anything else regarding canon.

but long post ahead, cause i've been wanting to address something that it's not even coherent, but it's just making me insane lol.

we have 6 episodes ahead of us. 6 weeks. if you guys freak out with every single thing that happens, no one is going to enjoy anything anymore.

i don't have spoilers. all the spoilers i had, from when i was in the clubhouse with evan, i gave to you. the way i read the interviews, i told you. i don't have anything else to add. i never had inside info or anything like that, all my speculations were based on rumors going around *and* the bts we got.

all that i could speculate i already did.

"oh, but what if--"

well. when s4 ended, i said, "if they're gonna make veronica look like archie's second choice, i'm not going to watch s5 live". i carried on watching because they didn't, they made it quite clear that veronica is archie's first choice seven years later.

i'm saying it again, "if they're gonna make varchie go through some b*rchie drama/bullshit again, i'm not going to watch s6 live."

if i do watch it, it'll be the same by the end of it if they get a s7. you have to go episode by episode with this show until the entire journey makes sense.

that's all i can do! that's all i can control. that's all you guys can control: the time and dedication you're willing to give to this show.

(i write a fic that's never-ending and even with roughly 4 readers left, i am pushing through because i want to finish it. this is the time and dedication i'm willing to give to this show, writing this fic to those who still enjoy it and to myself, and to varchie.)

so my suggestion now is, let's watch the episodes. it's 6 weeks. are you going to be anxious for 4-5 out of 6 weeks because of something that maybe, possibly, perhaps will happen? are you going to try to make me and other people anxious because you are? i'm choosing, at this point, to trust my ship and the story they've been telling about them.

i know it's harder for bugheads at the moment (reminder that i, myself, am not one although i did love them back in s1 and do support their relationship in the core four context) because they've been dealing with another love interest, on top of cole and lili's breakup, on top of not getting a lot of content, or bts, etc, etc.

but as a varchie shipper...guys, i've been there!

i have seen reggie tell veronica they could be endgame. i have seen archie dance a duet with josie saying he'd fight for her. i have seen archie writing a song to someone else. i have seen veronica getting married to another guy, and then possibly sleep with him after sort of maybe getting back together with archie. trust me, no one in this fandom knows better what you guys are going through right now.

so yes, maybe jabitha will date, or maybe they won't. maybe bh will get back together this season, maybe they won't. it doesn't mean the end of bughead, not at all. look at all the shit other ships have been through (even b*rchies, really). you guys are fine.

is the show good right now? no, it's not. i thought it wasn't so bad until 5x08 (even with the b*rchie thing) but then it just went downhill, and 5x13 was the worst episode ever. no wonder it had 0.7 ratings. but like, does that mean it will stay so bad? i don't know. i haven't watched 5x14, 5x15, 5x16, etc. i don't know what's coming. it might be great! it might suck.

and you guys don't get it, half the varchie fandom left in s3 because there was no sight of varchie anywhere, and then we were pleasantly surprised with the best build up ever in s3C. but you know what? sometimes i wish varchie hadn't gotten back together then! so we would see more of that buildup, some actual reaction from archie seeing veronica choose reggie instead of him, etc. it would've opened a sea of possibilities for a good story.

and whether you like it or not, this is giving more space for other characters to be around. they're not developing them. they're not writing them well. but you can't deny that we have seen more of toni, reggie, fangs, even kevin and cheryl, than ever since...ever.

and it's okay if you just watch for your ship. but the show, and the writers, are not worried about you shdhshd. i think there has been a misconception about that. the ships exist within the show, and this season feels so weird because the core four is apart and bh is apart, but the show is ultimately about the characters and their good/bad decisions.

so, thinking about the characters, ask yourself: is archie in conditions to be with veronica right now? is betty in conditions to be with jughead right now? jug and archie are in their way to healing, it looks like, but betty still isn't. is veronica in conditions to be committed again atm? i don't know. will this change in a couple of episodes? maybe!

and it's same for other characters. choni are going through the exact same thing bh is, they just don't have the impending doom that is b*rchie hovering above, but i guess no one doubts choni.

but imagine if they get back to choni and just give them a few throw away lines and boom, it's all magically fixed. wouldn't they feel betrayed? don't you enjoy the aspect that bh is taking time for this reunion after they were completely shattered? i know i would've written varchie differently if i could.

anyway. it's useless to think "oh, zalben said this, evan said that, ras said this" when we can't control what they say, or how they think. we can only interpret it (90% of the time i've been right about them but whatever) and we can only watch the show in front of us and absorb something from that.

(which is hard when the episode sucks, but it's what we can do).

all this freaking out is making me stop enjoying the show, and the fandom. it's not giving anyone any joy. you guys have to calm down and i'm not being dismissive of how much a tv show can bring anxiety, but the only thing you can do is trust the process.

bughead has been a solid thing for 4 seasons. it's their first major problem. varchie has been not that solid but very, very present for 4 seasons. b*rchie has been whatever it has been for 4 seasons. jabitha is a new ship, but it's around now... but hasn't even really happened yet. like, all these characters have their stories to tell among them, and if we don't enjoy the road they take, we can only try to detach ourselves.

okay, i guess, that's it. i'm not sure if i make any sense, but i'm so exhausted of people not trusting what's being shown to them and only thinking about zalben, bdaily takes, evan, ras, yadayada, who the rvd writers liked on twitter, like... c'mon.

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koshicoast · 4 years ago

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A few shinkami headcannons because I love them more than anything

Shinsou has a growth spurt and practically towers over Denki by their second year (for all intents and purposes, Shinsou has always been in class 1A)

Denki grows a little bit but not that much, he’s not complaining though, he gets Shinsou to grab stuff on the top shelve for him or has him hang up posters in higher places in his room (the only downside is that he has to get on his tippy toes for kisses but usually Shinsou will just bend down like a good boyfriend)

They go on dates every Sunday, It’s their day and it doesn’t matter what they’re doing as long as it’s just the two of them

They could be studying or doing homework or exercising or anything really and they’ll call it a date

The rest of the class knows better than to try and contact either boy on Sunday

“Normies worship Jesus on Sunday but I worship Shinsou” - Denki, at one point in time

Shinsou loves playing with denki’s hair, he buys different kinds of hair clips just to put them in denki’s hair

he just likes how the colors pop out

He especially likes to see purple hair clips in denki’s hair

Tbh it doesn’t have to be hair clips, it could be a scrunchie or a rubber band or a headband; as long as it’s purple it does wonders to shinsou’s heart

Denki likes playing with shinsou’s hair too but more than that he likes seeing Shinsou in yellow clothing

Shinsou doesn’t wear bright colors a lot usually sticking with black or cool tone colors

But when he does wear yellow, Denki just gets all mushy no matter how small it is

It could be yellow earrings or socks or something and Denki will wear a love sick expression all day

Despite being in the hero course, Shinsou still gets incredibly insecure about his quirk and how some people only see him as a villain

Denki, without fail or hesitation, tells Shinsou what a great hero he’s gonna be, he talks about how Shinsou is gonna inspire a new wave of underground heroes and how he’s gonna be some kid’s Aizawa one day and how proud he is of him (The first time he said that, it makes Shinsou sob. It makes denki cry too bc he’s a sympathetic crier so they just lay in bed holding eachother)

He also tells Shinsou how no matter who’s the number one hero, Shinsou will always have first place in his heart. And that Shinsou is just as much as any other hero out there and even a little more because he’ll be underground

Denki just loves his boyfriend so much and whoever planted the idea that some quirks are just made for evil is going to get electrocuted >:(

Denki will also pepper Shinsou in kisses saying things like ‘you are so kind’ ‘you’re an amazing person’ ‘I love you so much’ ‘You’re my hero’ and just a bunch of stuff so by the end of their heart to heart Shinsou is feeling a lot better

Denki gets insecure about how ‘dumb’ he is and how he’ll probably just end up hurting civilians or himself before he hurts a villain

Shinsou hates how that’s how Denki views himself because Denki is one of the kindest people in the world and doesn’t even realize it like the first time Denki told him that insecurity, Shinsou looked at him and was like ‘are you..you’re serious? Denks, You’re one of the most clever people I know’

Whenever Denki mentions it, Shinsou he just squeezes the blonde and lets him cry out his frustrations before telling him that ‘he’s not an idiot or stupid and that it’s okay not to understand something as fast as others and that it’s okay to learn differently and it’s okay’ (Shinsou will always try not to cry but a few tears fall anyways bc he just wants denks to be happy without feeling like he’s a fuckup)

Shinsou never lets Denki call himself an idiot or stupid, even in a joking way.

They don’t fight a lot because of their personalities like

Denki is a people’s person and is really in tune with other’s emotions and by default is a pacifist unless otherwise

Shinsou isn’t a people’s person but he’s observant due to his quirk bc of how he’s been treated in the past, he’s also good at picking up on people’s body language

Most times it’s just small disagreements and even then they communicate the best they can and try to compromise

If that doesn’t work then they’ll give each other space so the disagreement won’t turn into something ugly

They’ve only fought once and it was the worst (and best) thing for them

The fight happened after a mock rescue mission goes wrong and there were weeks of stress and tension leading up to it

It was messy and bad like really bad

“I just don’t get why you have to run into danger!” Denki screamed. The whole dorm could probably hear them but he didn’t care, not when his boyfriend was looking at him like he just lost his mind.

It was supposed to be a simple training exercise. Simple. Go in, defeat villains, rescue the ‘hostages’. It was not that simple.

*insert how badly the mission went and Shinsou ran towards the danger to help or smth idk*

It gets pretty rough between the two of them because they’re both pretty emotional people

Shinsou thinks denki doesn’t want him to be a hero and denki thinks Shinsou doesn’t want to be with him

It’s a lot of insecurities + stress + yelling

Denki is the first one to break, he’s a lot more emotionally sensitive than Toshi and everything is just crashing down and he hates it

“Do you just not want to be with me?!” He cries, unable to keep the tears at bay any more. He hates arguing with people, especially when that person happens to be his boyfriend. He gets it, he does! Toshi is training to become a hero and so is he but that doesn’t make it easier. Doesnt stop the shot of fear whenever he watches the other get hurt, doesn’t stop the late night self deprecation, doesn’t stop the anxiety he gets whenever he sees Toshi run head first into danger.

But he gets it and somehow it’s a bitter realization.

Because Hitoshi’s priority is the job they signed up for and Denki’s is Hitoshi.

The fight ends with tears on both their parts and they call it a night, too tired to scream anymore

They sleep in their own rooms that night

The next morning they agree to take a break, not a full break up, but some time away. Space away from each other to prioritize and think.

(Now ive seen fanfics where everyone picks denki over Shinsou and i hate that so fuck you, class 1A are both their friends and they’re all family and try and to help each other I will die with that statement)

Surprisingly the two most helpful people are Bakugou and Kirishima

(Actually not that surprising, they’re the longest couple in the whole class, dating immediately after Kamino)

Bakugou and denki have a heart to heart

“You’re both dumbasses” Katsuki sighs heavy, passing another tissue over to the sobbing blonde. He’s not good at these kinds of things, but Kirishima told him he could help the electric blonde more than he could so here he is. “You gonna tell me what’s wrong or just cry?” He asks, not without a hint of worry though. He pretends to ignore it.

So denki tells him everything and his insecurities

Oh. Yeah, Kirishima was right.

“You think I’m an idiot” Denki mutters quietly, harshly rubbing his eyes.

“No” The older blonde shakes his head, plopping down on the bed next to the other. He doesn’t turn to meet yellow eyes, his own trained on the All Might poster hanging directly across from them. He feels Pikachu’s curious gaze on him so he decides to elaborate more, knowing the sooner he helps the sooner he doesn’t have to deal with this anymore. It’s totally not because he’s gotten soft. Absolutely not.

“Trust me, Zombie Eyes looks at you like you put the fucking stars in the sky. It’s disgusting to watch.” He crinkles his nose in disgust earning a small laugh. “People like him and I, we gotta work twice as hard. Not saying that no one else does but it’s different.” He stresses the last word. “People like Ei or Deku or even you, people already see you as good so all you gotta do is get stronger. They don’t question your character, your morals, they don’t look down on you for having a weakness. People like Zombie Eyes and I though?we gotta work hard just to prove that we’re good. That we were meant to become heroes. Every action we do is put under a microscope and analyzed.” He explains.

“We’re assholes by default, It’s how we were raised. Not saying it as an excuse though. He was in the shitty system and I had shitty parents, no adult taught us shit like love or how to properly deal with feelings.”

Stupid Deku tried with him but he didn’t even know how to deal with his own much less some angry blond kid’s.

He takes a deep breath, pushing back faint memories of his childhood. The younger hasn’t said a word but he can tell he’s listening so it’s fine. “We can’t just turn off how we are. If it’s frustrating for you and Ei, It’s worse for us. Like we know logically that we’re good people, that we changed but that’s now how our brain sees it. We push ourselves because that’s all we know how to do, it proves to us and everyone else that we bled for our spot here. That we made it. Having friends is hard because we compare ourselves to them and draw our own conclusions to their actions. Being nice? Our brain says it’s a trap. Showing some human fucking decency? Our shitty brain says it’s an act. Being in a relationship? Laughable. We’re just villains pretending to play heroes to everyone else.”

He takes another deep breath, forcing himself to look away from the poster, flashbacks to their first year briefly passing in his head. Okay yeah, not going down that route. He looks over, making eye contact. He wonders if this is how Kirishima feels whenever he’s trying to cheer him up. Wonders if it’s just as hard. This better be worth it, everyone has been miserable. (Shitty thing about having been through life and death situations together is that everyone has bonded and become close like a family so when one of them is sad it’s like everyone is fucking sad.) (He loathes it because even he gets worried.)

“But despite that he still loves you.” He says softly, almost whispering like he’s telling the other a secret. “Fights his demons to hold your hand and all that shit”

Shinsou loves him? Loves him?

“How do you.. how do you know?” Denki whispers, throat sore. “We fought so badly last night, we were screaming at eachother.”

“He treats you the same way I treat Ei.” He answers,

“He changed his priorities around to try and accommodate for another person in his life, you became more important than training or studying. He takes days off to be with you, cuts his studying short if you need a break. It might not seem much to others but for him that’s huge. He came in with this one track mind but then you came along and he scrambled to balance everything. And then you two got your shit together and started to go out and I’m pretty sure he got scared”

“Scared?” Denki asks, the thought almost funny to him.

“I did.” Bakugou admits as Denki’s eyes grow wide.

“I was petrified. When Ei started to become more important than hero work, I freaked. It’s not that loverboy is choosing being a hero over you, It’s because he doesn’t understand that he can have both. He thinks everything important is a choice- that if you want something you have to give something up. He chooses hero work and he loses you. He chooses you and he loses hero work.”

“But he’s not going to lose me or hero work”

“Kinda sounded like you did give him an ultimatum though”

The realization hits him like cold water.

Shinsou gets a similar talk with Kirishima

It helps, a lot

They don’t immediately go back to eachother, instead spending the week with their everyone else and just taking time for themselves

Shinsou knocks on Denki’s door Sunday morning and they finally talk things out

It’s also the first time they say ily!!

Anyways after that fight they work harder on communicating especially when it comes to things like hero work

It’s not perfect bc their dumb traumatized teens but they’re trying and they know their lil family will always be there

I haven’t slept but yes thanks for sticking around if you’re reading this

If ur interested in shinsou’s talk with Kirishima lmk

#shinkami headcannons #shinkami #drabble #snippets #shinsou x kaminari #shinsou hitoshi #shinsou #denki kaminari #kaminari #my hero academia #kiribaku #Kirishima #bnha bakugou

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palimpsessed · 2 years ago

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Get to Know Me tag game

I was tagged by @angelsfalling16 @takitalks @aristocratic-otter @johnwgrey @bazzybelle @fight-surrender . And I’m late enough there’s already another tag game going around so no idea who has done this. I suppose if you haven’t and you want to, go for it!

Relationship status: never had one; don’t want one. i am completely preoccupied with romance in fiction but very much not about it in my actual life :)

Favorite color: bright, bloody red (truly—they should hire me to design children’s hospitals or smth)

Favorite food: i will go months eating the same thing every single day and then lose all interest in everything. lately most food just makes my stomach go >:c so i can’t really name one. my true ride or die is numi’s rooibos chai tea (which isn’t even real tea) and a splash of milk. also the aged earl grey as a close second.

Song stuck in your head: i’ve been listening pretty exclusively to my slings and eros playlist so a bunch of the songs on that have been popping up in my head regularly. you can check it out if you like. i happen to think it’s a really good mix of genres.

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2pxPcWYJPY9ICPzcVQRld2

Last thing you googled: no clue. my browser app auto deletes my history.

Time: 13:25

Dream trip: i am very much not a traveler. i seldom actually enjoy myself so it doesn’t make sense to spend money to do it. that said, the last trip i took was for a work conference in new orleans in sept 2019. i went two days early and spent both days walking all over the place and just soaked up the sights (and the food) on my own with no itinerary. and the carry on audiobook in my ears because wayward son came out the day i left. i would redo that trip in a heartbeat. if i ever feel safe traveling again.

Last book you read: any way the wind blows. couldn’t read anything new leading up to it, haven’t been able to read anything new since. however, this week i finally managed to start a new audiobook!! (hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy narrated by stephen fry) i have let so many library holds lapse this past year...i just got a new one checked out, too, so let’s see if i can get to a streak of two!

Last book you enjoyed: same one :DDDD

Last book you hated reading: hmmmm i have dnf’d a bunch of audiobooks over the past couple of years. sometimes i can’t tell if it’s the story or the narrator i don’t like tho. according to my library history, the last one i read that i do remember actively hating is ash back in 2019. any books since that one that i didn’t finish i mostly just feel indifferent toward.

Favorite thing to cook/bake: i do like a fried egg. i love to bake anything really even tho i don’t do it much.

Favorite craft to do in your free time: drawing—is that a craft or a hobby? idk

Most niche dislikes: i dislike a lot of things but niche? ummmm

Opinion on circuses, now and in history: i never really think about them tbh. but you know, don’t exploit people or animals.

Do you have a sense of direction and if not what’s the worst way you’ve gotten lost: not sure if my sense of direction is good or bad, but i can’t think of any getting lost stories. i always look up where i’m going ahead of time if it’s a new place because i hate not knowing what i’m getting into. bad anxiety. usually i would rather just not go than not know.

#tag game

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setsuntamew · 4 years ago

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So, Persona 5 Royal, huh?

Full disclosure: I had gotten about halfway through November on Wednesday and finished it out Saturday night, which took uhhh about 65-70 hours? Some of that was sitting there waiting for the PS4 controller to recharge or listening to music in the Thieves Den while eating, but I still feel like I need to own up to how extremely bad I am at making good decisions with my life XD

MOVING ON, THOUGH, HOLY SHIT. P5 was a very good game, but Royal’s additions & changes made it incredible. I like the ending way more; I think it’s more emotionally fulfilling and meaningful, especially with everyone’s more defined future plans. Definitely felt like everyone had more growth in the end!! Which is something I’d always thought P5 was lacking.

Snip snip for spoilers and the fact that this post ended up being too damn long, oops! the last third is basically Akechi feels and analyzing his ending, so......yeah XD

Part of why I plowed through SO much of Royal in so little time is....Akechi XD Like okay, this is my stupid fandom blog, I can be excited about him all I want!!! I got to Sae’s Palace and just....I couldn’t put it down. @dragonofeternal and I ordered an embarrassing amount of takeout instead of cooking because we just had to see how everything with Maruki and the third semester was gonna go down. I’d already been dying along the way because Akechi’s confidant dates are so good, I just. Fuck!!!

Also, look, for the entirity of Shido’s boss fight and the depths of Mementos/Yaldabaoth/etc, we’d look at each other every few minutes and just be like AKECHI SHOULD BE HERE WITH US, HE DESERVES TO GET HIS VENGEANCE ON HIS SHITTY DAD AND FORCED DESTINY!!!!!

December 24th had to be the longest god damn day in Akira’s life because like. Final exam grades are posted in the morning! He goes to school and then dives into hell, crawls his way back out, briefly dies by fading from human cognition, fights an actual fucking god, and then....ends up dissociating in Shibuya until Sae shows up and is like “oh hey thanks for everything you did, please sign up for being arrested now.” And while he’s still reeling from that, Akechi walks up to take his place, like some kind of bullshit knight in shining armor schtick, and leaves no room for conversation.

AND THEN WE HAVE TO GO ON A DATE

I romanced Hifumi this time around, because I wanted Akria to bang a girl who is just so incredibly out of his league, but....it’s not necessarily that I forgot I was dating someone, more that it had been *so many hours of plot* that I was emotionally exhausted. Like, Hifumi texted me and I was just like. Right. RIGHT. It’s still Christmas Eve, somehow. I was at *school* this morning. The whole world merged with Mementos briefly in the middle of this, Akechi is somehow alive, and I guess I’m going on a date now????

I do appreciate how many “god I’m just dissociating my way through this” conversation options there were for the date, tbh. I feel bad though, I really like Hifumi, but I feel like Akira is not giving a date his full emotional attention at that specific time. It feels a bit like emotional whiplash, more so than I remember it being in P5? Maybe it’s because I played it 4 years ago and there wasn’t the added emotional weight of Akechi’s reappearance, but it was just like....a lot, in Royal.

AND THEN THE NEW YEAR HAPPENED. I’d been spoiled on large parts of the third semester, mostly because Royal’s been out for a year already and I’m too curious for my own good. I’d also somehow lied to myself, saying I didn’t have time to play another Persona game right now, and yet here I am, 171 hours of game play within exactly a month, kicking myself for not knowing how deep in Persona hell I would get XD

Which is to say, as soon as the new year started, it felt I was drowning in anxiety. I knew something was wrong, I knew they were in a false reality, but knowing that sure as fuck didn’t make it easier to go through. If anything, it was somehow worse, knowing that it was all gonna come crumbling down, but I didn’t yet know the exact details, only the broad strokes of it. Just. Every time someone talked about something that was wrong, my heart would clench.

God, I’m so fucking tired, I pulled an all-nighter on Friday so I could get through Royal before having to work on Sunday, and I am feeling it right now. Life tips: don’t do what I do XD

Every moment with Akechi felt like borrowed time, at least for me, because I knew what was coming. I spent so much time in Mementos with him; I ended up putting just him and Akira in my party and plowing through everything, including trouncing the Reaper over and over just for the hell of it. I got his ultimate weapons, I spent so many nights in the jazz club with him that he ran out of dialogue options, and I still took him back for more. I accidentally failed to EVER trigger Sumire’s Showtime because every fight was just Akira and Akechi against the world, because fuck it, I’m playing this for fun!! If I want to play with them in stupid costumes and no one else in the party, I’m gonna. Royal did such an incredible job giving Akechi more depth and development: it was all I could hope for, and it made it that much fucking worse to know what was in store for him.

Somehow, I thought it would be harder for me to make the decision to refuse Maruki’s deal, since fuck, fuck what I wouldn’t give for Akechi to be alive???? But I barely hesitated, only really stopping because I had to emotionally brace myself for it, because a reality where he can’t carve out his own fate would be a disrespect to everything their relationship is built on.

I have a whole shit ton of feelings about post-beating Maruki but they’re basically all Akechi related meta so somehow they ended up at the end of this post, I’m sorry XD

I understand that they had to keep the going to jail bit because 1) Akechi didn’t turn himself in, Akira did and 2) it leads to the final events of the game, but let me just say....the emotional roller coaster of fighting Maruki, almost failing multiple times, waking up in jail, the Phantom Thieves & friends getting Akira out of jail, celebrating that, and then getting thrown into Valentines Day was a LOT for my heart to take. Once again, didn’t forget I had a girlfriend, just got too invested in the plot to really be thinking about her. It’s less than two weeks after the fight with Maruki and somehow, everything is supposed to be okay????

The scene with everyone talking about their future plans is such good character growth, though. Everyone feels like they’ve truly grown and are making decisions that, even though they might be painful or hard at times, are ultimately very important to them. It’s a really good contrast to the “almost everyone goes to Shujin and they all stay in Tokyo forever without doing anything for themselves” Maruki’s perfect reality bad end.

Standing in the Underground Mall on White Day, being told I had to get flowers but finally being able to have control of Akira again was....so bittersweet. The fact that the location of the date is the aquarium is a low fucking blow, and I almost threw the controller across the room I was so upset. Like. THE AQUARIUM IS UNLOCKED BECAUSE AKECHI HAS TICKETS HOW FUCKING DARE SOJIRO SUGGEST IT LIKE MY HEART ISN’T STILL ACHING????? God, speaking of that: The fucking god damn Featherman video game tore my heart out because I ended up playing it WHILE WORKING ON SHIDO’S PALACE and I cried a ton about Gray Pigeon because of course they had to dig the emotional knife in even deeper!! Just fuck me up, it’s fine, I’m just dying!!!!!!!!!!!!

I ended up scrolling through his texts to find the group chats that still had Akechi in them, and fuck, it was a LOT. Like. Maybe it’s because I’m too invested in the two of them, but it was probably the worst emotional whiplash of the whole game. Like, how am I supposed to go play happy with anyone while staring at texts from a reality built of lies? It wasn’t real but the proof lives on in his phone and his heart, and I’m still fucked up over it.

HOWEVER. FUCKING. I SPENT LIKE HALF AN HOUR BEING EMOTIONALLY COMPROMISED ABOUT ALL THIS AND THEN DISCOVERED THE BASTARD STILL HAD ALL HIS EQUIPMENT, INCLUDING THE ULTIMATE MALE ARMOR!!! He returned his shit after Sae’s Palace even though he thought Akira was dead, but this time it didn’t get fucking returned to my inventory, so he must have fucking run off with all his shit!!!!!!! Why the hell did none of it get returned if he was never alive in the true reality? Like I know it'll be returned for a new game+ but I like to nitpick game mechanics for story reasons, because one of the things I love most about video games is the experience of them as another layer to the story. The texts from the third semester shouldn’t exist anymore, since they never really existed, but there they are. Akechi insisted that he has a gap in his memory after Shido’s Palace up until seeing Akira on Christmas Eve, but who can say that wasn’t related to Maruki tampering with reality or some other Persona-related reason?

I mean. I got the full and complete True Ending; I saw him in the train station. If that’s not Akechi, then who the fuck is it? Atlus made sure to put the work in to make him a part of not just the main story but also, especially, the third semester, and for what....to have his final time on screen be as the butt of the joke, squished underneath everyone in the Mona-copter? As much as it hurts, his end in Shido’s Palace matters; it fits his character and he gets to go out fighting- carving his own path, really. In Royal, barring the tiny glimpse of someone who’s probably him in the train station, the last we see of him is when he watches Joker let go of the rope to finish off Maruki. I know we got the heart to heart where Akira agrees to reject Maruki’s deal and Akechi insists that he’d rather be dead than live in a false reality, but.....no one even says goodbye to him. It’s tragic, it’s painfully lonely, but it doesn’t feel right for such a major character.

Also, as undignified as it is, for the first time ever, Akechi looks like he actually belongs in the Phantom Thieves in that final moment. He’s never been the butt of their jokes before; they always kept him at arms’ reach and he took himself too seriously to be included, but for that brief moment, it really felt like he was part of their group. He stopped lying about himself for their last month together, and so even if they don’t all like him, they can make that decision based on the truth, instead of layers of lies. His death is all the more tragic for this; a life cut short just when he’s finally finding a place he belongs. But his death was already painful; why make it so, so much worse?

Final thing: I’m gonna be spending a ton of time in the Thieves Den trying to find Akechi’s opinions on everything, but also....hey. HEY. What do those six stars that Jose (probably?) painted on the wall mean? Is it just a reference to Persona 6???? LIKE????? I HAVE QUESTIONS. SO, SO MANY QUESTIONS!!!!

Anyway, I’ve gotta go cry into my Starbucks and desperately try to focus on actually doing my job at work, but I loved Royal deeply and cannot wait to drown in it ;w;

#persona 5 royal #p5r #persona 5 royal spoilers #goro akechi #akeshu #I have just so many Akechi feels I'm sorry #long post #persona 5 royal meta

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