#this week has been really awful for me | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

shoveitevil · 6 months ago

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mother dearest is finally home

#no bcs like #my parents r trying to work shit out i get it #and they have been transparent about rhat #but like. a parent should not have to go and sleep at another personas house for almost a week to get away from us #and the thing is i can’t really blame her #my dad doesn’t do like any work around the house #and he puts himself above everyone else #ugh #this week has been really awful for me #for some reason i remembered that oh yeah i’ll never be who i really want to be #and i’ve set myself a decision deadline that by the end on july i need to know whether or not i’m going to transition #i need to properly weight the pros and cons of all my options and what they will entail #it’s just so frustrating #i really do feel like i’m sitting at the fig tree watching all the fruit rot in front of me #can i not just pick multiple. what if i want to try being a 6’1 man and then if i hate it be a 5’8 woman #or if i hate that be a 5’8 man #bcs those three r kinda my only options #i’d rather not be a 6’1 woman because i’d hate myself #it’s just like if i choose to transition all the good genetics that i got from my dad are thrown out the window #and if i transition and end up looking ugly and not passing i’ll hate myself more than if i just never transitioned #but if i don’t do anything and i become a good looking talk man with good features sure i’ll be loved #i’ll probably be able to pull (hopefully bcs i need to become an actually good person first)#but i won’t be loved the way i want to be loved #i want to be the one who gets helped in the relationship not the helper yk #ughhh and i’ll have to come out to my parents and everything #why could i not have just been born a womannnnnnn ughhghg

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hammill-goes-fogwalking · 9 months ago

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I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI.

#not dislike. its hate #it made me cry several times today #thinking of how my classmates manipulate our teachers #and chatgpt AIs can EVERYTHING #its so painful to think of it #today I broke down in the bus and cried #idc what people think. hiding my feelings any longer would destroy me from the inside #maybe youve also seen how people use freakin AIs in their exams #the thing is that:#we wrote an exam for which Ive studies for like 2 whole days #this week we finally got the exams back (w the grades ofc)#and ok Ive got a 3 (C in America syste #*m)#my friends who used chatgpt throughout the exam got way better grades (I didnt expect it otherwise)#PLUS #the most provocating messages from the teacher:#“10/10 POINTS :)” “YOURE ROCKING THIS” “YEAH”#💔#seriously #this breaks my heart #dont the teacher see something suspect in the exam?!#why cant they open their eyes and get modernized to reality.#& they KNOW- the students Im talking of. they usally have bad results.#once our teacher came to a chatgpt student and said the most miserable thing:#“youve been using duolingo a lot lately hm? thats where your nice grades come from 😉🥰”#you get it?#no- this peoson didnt learn.#no- this person isnt even interested in the stuff we learn in lessons #AWFUL feeling to hear the praisings of da teachers when *I* gotta sit among the gpt-students and look like Im a worse student than *them*#[writing this at almost 1 at night] still have some tears. this topic really has the power to destroy someones day. 💔💔

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antiyourwokehomophobia2 · 5 months ago

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Traveling out of state to go visit my (now ex) gf and coming home with covid is such a double whammy.

#There has been more tragedy in my life these last 5 years than all other years put together #Literally the moment I turned 18 and entered college shit has gone awry #My first semester I went to a mental hospital #In my second year when I was 19 my dad died #And now my gf of almost 5 years and I have broken up #I really thought we were going to get married lmao #Ohhh and now I have covid in the last weeks of summer before I'm set to move back home with my mother #My mom wants me to move back home because she's concerned about me and I appreciate that but she's not a good person #But I don't have a choice and if I'm being completely honest she's probably right that me being in my own is not good for me at all #And I'm fully certain I am slipping back into a suicidal mindset #And this is petty but the weather has been awful every single day #And I am just not having a good time literally at all

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spaciebabie · 9 months ago

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shoutout 2 this person in my class who i can tell wants 2 talk 2 me really bad but instead of doing that whenever she has the chance she'll talk 2 whoever else is around and ignore me entirely unless im mentioned by name

#bruh lmao #so awkward. say something you dingus lol #ik you wanna talk 2 me so bite the bullet already #gyatt #spacie spoinks #literally. she was having a conversation with my partner for the project im doing. and like #heres the thing #if im not invited into conversation i usually dont participate #im like a vampire like that #and so like. after they're done conversating she'll just kind of. stand there. this has happened twice now #like dude sdkfjshlkdfj #im not upset by this behavior i have very awful social patterns as well and have been thru this (i am autistic)#am i gonna hafta say something. lol #probably #''hey bro whats up with you. i dont mean like how are you doing. i mean like. whats wrong with you.''#cant say that its not funny when you say it irl only when the ppl you're talking with know you're not being mean 😭#also like. this person has been staring at me lol #which like. makes me flustered so whenever she's around i panic and my face fucking turns red its god awful #for awhile it made uhh. my paranoia get really bad im ngl!!#its already bad when it comes 2 being around strangers but this like made it REALLY bad for a few weeks #im more calm now tho. rational brain won over and im chillin #i gotta work up the courage 2 say something b4 the semester is over or this is gonna bother me for the rest of my life sfkjsdhflkjs #i dont wanna put her on the spot #the only time i see her is when im in class #and . doing that interaction in front of ppl. i dont wanna embarrass her ksjfskjd

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sob-dylan · 2 months ago

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oh no you guys the girl who has maybe or maybe not been living in the unit above me for weeks is really hot this is such a bad situation to be in 😖

#it’s bad because i’m likely an awful neighbor #i listen to the radio really loudly late at night and i just got a new amp for my guitar #it wasn’t a problem before because i’m separated from my other two neighbors by a stairwell and it apparently blocks all sound #they each respectively have a little happy dog and a newborn baby #which i wouldn’t have even known if i hadn’t laid eyes on said dog and said baby #anyways i want her to like me so bad but if she has in fact been living above me for weeks #(instead of being the sister of my neighbor with the baby like i originally assumed)#then she probably hates me #but we did speak for the first time just now and i gave her candy bc i’m not getting many trick or treaters #so…??? 👀#personal #i just want something gay to happen to me without having to go out and make something gay happen

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soap-ify · 9 months ago

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hello (going to pretend that i didn't disappear AGAIN)

#i'm sorry #i have been saying the same thing for a while now and i hate myself for it #these weeks have just been so horrible and i'm just so??#i have lost interest in everything and now i just feel like an empty shell #it's an awful feeling i can't bring myself to do anything no matter how much i want to #it just hurts a lot i don't really know what to do at this point #i suppose this was me taking a break again i haven't written at all #i tried to. came up with two paragraphs and then dropped it #life has just been so weird lately and i really miss you all.#ANYWAYS...#ruru rambles

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denkies · 25 days ago

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Omg i haven't been updating lately but guys I'm moving out of my abusive household :D it's so surreal and anxiety inducing and change is scary but i will persist!!!!!!!

#basically for a while I've been paying all my mom's bills while she refuses to get a job and psychologically abuses me #the bills thing isn't inherently abusive! sometimes ppl need help! but the way she treats me is #any time i stand up for myself or ask her to please stop manipulating me‚ she calls me a narcissistic abuser and selfish and awful stuff #she steals rent money from me to the point that i have to hide it‚ and tells me I'm being selfish and immature if i spend money on myself #like stuff that isn't really necessary but makes me happy #not even like expensive shit‚ she gaslights the hell out of me if i spend more than $20 on a frivolous item #and it's not that she can't work‚ she just doesn't want to. she's into mormon tradwife shit and is like ''i need a man to provide''#she's worked as a line cook/at call centers/delis/hotels etc etc. she just doesn't /want/ to work #this is also bc she thinks she's the bride of Christ and is like ''the day of reckoning is coming so i don't need a job''#also she regularly goes through my room and takes stuff and like‚ goes through under my bed to see what I'm hiding #which is super invasive and weird #and she got super verbally abusive 2 years ago when i was physically disabled (literally using a cane) and couldn't work #Anyway. our rent has been $1475 and i also pay electricity and wifi and every other bill under the fucking sun #and she tried to get me to sign the lease and i said no! cuz me and my cousin are actively looking for a place to rent together #so i might be out in 10 days or by the end of the month depending on what the apartment office says #I've been packing up my stuff and I'm gonna be staying with my cousin and her fam for a couple weeks #it's way closer to my work and I'm gonna take my cat and stuff so it's chill. big changes are really scary cuz autism but I'll persist #a.txt

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la-galaxie-langblr · 2 months ago

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what is going on w my brain

#huge tag rant coming but dw about it #basically. if anyone here has known me on the internet for long enough yous will have gathered that i badly struggle w motivation and #fulfilling goals that i set for myself even if it's for smth i enjoy eg languages #it happens so often but especially over summer where my brain just goes Nope #“i have all this free time to do the thing I've been planning for weeks and i've been so excited about planning but now we have the time i #will be numb and sad and scroll“#i also have huge problems focusing unless every factor is perfectly balanced and even then it's still 50/50 #i do have a bad attention span from being chronically online but even if you put me in a blank room w my task i'd be distracted by thoughts #external deadlines are some of the only things that can kick me into gear and i've been fine at uni so far #but i'm scared i'll have another a levels situation where my mental health was so awful i missed every essay deadline for french for 2 years #sometimes by up to a month #the only reason i got away w it is because i had a breakdown in front of my teacher and he was like “yeah take care of yourself the essays #are not that deep just get them in first thing after half term ig“#like that was v kind of him but if i ever have a situation that bad again i will genuinely fail uni cus you can't get away w that #where was i going w this (<- is aware of the irony)#right yeah this week i've experienced the epic highs and lows #highs of really enjoying my downtime and putting active effort into my hobbies instead of my downtime being “scrolling but i don't hate it”#but lows of realising how much time i 'wasted' in my teen years feeling sad and scrolling when i could have been developing skills and #having fun #and yeah i'm having a high rn and genuinely enjoying life but it's making me realise that my default state of being is just 😐#like even when i'm at uni where my mental health is so much better than at home when it's just me home alone or in my room i'm just 😐#not really having fun just existing v passively mindlessly scrolling waiting for the day to be over so i can see my friends in the morning #like not every day has to be amazing but surely there's more to life than just 😐 in 99% of your downtime #like i've struggled for years on how to answer “what do you do in your free time” cus i had to search for answers #i read and go on walks. which is true. but they were always things i did as phone breaks during weekends and not something i actively did #because i liked them #and because of past mental health issues reading and sports based hobbies have become tainted for me #i'm working on it but yeah #huge tldr. i'm finally starting to accept that i probably have a combo of undiagnosed mental illness and neurodivergence #because if it's taken me this long to realise how much it truly impacts my enjoyment of life then surely that's smth

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goldensunset · 3 months ago

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Thank you for all the N on my dash. I was thinking I would be productive today but now I'll just be very unwell instead.

ME TOO!!!! ACK!!!!!!! i have so much im supposed to be doing right now legitimately but instead i’m giggling and kicking my feet because of some weird dude with green hair!!!!!! and the fact that i keep posting about him is only making you all keep posting about him and you in turn are making me post about him even more—— it’s a devastating feedback loop that just keeps getting louder———-AaaaaAAAAH

#you’re all ruining me!!!! (is ruining myself)#asks #colorful-bees #pokémon #bw #do you know something. confession time #i’ve been going through a really really rough patch the past like month or so #not feeling passionate about anything #life has been Awful.#that’s one of the reasons i finally wanted to start the new game i’d been meaning to get to #regardless of being busy or not #i wanted something to get excited about #and it took me several weeks before the passion really kicked in is the thing. i was worried at first it wouldn’t help #but then something snapped the other day and i was back to having energy and joy in my life #even if it’s about something silly like a video game #even if i just blog on tumblr all day #it really is saving my life again and again #it feels really nice to be into something again and have things to say and do #ok overly personal moment over

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thorntopieces · 2 months ago

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trying to dispel the curse of (irrationally) feeling unloved and unwanted by reading my friends' messages to me vs my parents being inconvenienced by me asking for the bare minimum of help

#i know that i'm loved by at least a few people but it is so hard to remember that rationally sometimes #and it's weird because while the stereotype of my condition is to lash out and accuse i could never do that #i can't imagine bringing harm to anyone i care about no matter how much i get the impulse to do so because i'm better than those instincts #i'd rather retreat into myself and isolate myself to prevent harm to anyone else #i just wish that my brain was able to distinguish actually causing harm from just asking for attention and reassurance and not lump them-#-both into the evil awful horrible cruel category #it is alright though i will be okay nothing specific went wrong it's just been a weird week and i'm ill #it will pass. hopefully soon #i'm leaving this here so i'll remember it #tw vent #i suppose #no one i care for has caused me hurt in the past while and so i really have no reason to feel like this. alas it will continue to happen

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thecedarchronicle · 5 months ago

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.

#VENT #VENT TAGS AHEAD !!#so the job is...awful.#i applied for 20-25 hours #they asked if i could do 30 #and now theyre pushing me into 40.#i didn't realize that when i agreed to 30 that was NOT binding (i should have known because it wasn't in my job offer. but i am 19 and--#ive never had a job offer letter before. even tho this is just retail)#and i can't adjust my availability for 90 days.#and since i put full availability expecting 25 hours max #now i have FULL 24/7 AVAILABILITY ON FILE for three months at least #and i have no idea what to do because this means i cant commit to any classes coming up for college #but ive been job hubting for months and barely got anything #and if i lose the job i have to move back in with my dad which is almost worse #whats wirse is my leader/boss is so mean. im not saying this lightly #i dont want to get into it but im barely a week in and he's made disrespectful and pushy comments towards me #has basically told me to stay late (which theoretically i cluld say no; but im still on my three months of 'we will fire you if we want to'#and like i said. need the job.#so he told me to stay late knowing i cant really say no #he's given me a frankly absurd amount of work (instock and i get carts filled woth 2-3x their max capacity unorganized and dangerously--#overloaded) and then he pushes me and snaps at me to get it done in an absurdly short timeframe while im still in TRAINING #im afab and present femme as i haven't transitioned irl and he is so ragingly sexist #he often just refers to me and the other girl being trained as 'girl' or 'that girl #and to top it all off #i took this job over a second interview at a place i really liked #because i thought the hours at this olace would be more consistent #nope! full time! surprise!!#and now im kicking myself so fucking hard over it. i feel like i fucked up so hard #and my friend i moved here with has been home for two months and will be this month so im just. alone. and i don't really have anyone to #turn to. im just so very stressed and tired and lonely

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foggysirens · 5 months ago

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there’s a sort of clawing desperation that rips you up from the insides when you’re trying to be an adult and have your own life but then the very same people who are telling you to do just that continue to treat and berate you like a child and refuse to see you as a person with adult concerns and needs and you are left trying to juggle these two selves that they want to exist as one but only if both halves are agreeable to them and follow orders but they also throw it in your face that’s you need to make your “own decisions” and i want to throw up :)

#mj.chatter #personal #like yeah id love to travel and see my family but i just took time off in the summer and my mom insisted on coming to see me instead #of me going home and it was fun and nice but now she wants me to take MORE time off in september to go see everyone #and like i don’t think she understands i need to work? and i want to try to work on my second career more in the fall as well?? and taking #an entire week off isn’t something that’s like great for me to do #and like it should be okay with work but at the same time management has been so awful lately that i don’t know #and when i tried to express that she got upset with me #and said that it’s all on me now #but she very clearly wants me to do what she wants me to do #and she keeps telling me that i should be excited she’s offering to buy a ticket for me #but really i just feel sick #like i wish i could be just excited but she has turned this into the most stressful situation possible #and wants me to be the good kid and just say okay #but whenever i push back it’s suddenly all my fault cause im the adult and need to get my shit together

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front-facing-pokemon · 1 year ago

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#mega salamence #did not forget this one. i was like… salamence is a competitive pokémon. and megas happen in competitive. salamence has a mega‚ right?#i was right. they do. here it is. it just gets Even More primary colors. the yellow in the eyes completes the Primary Colors Trio #and their chin turns red instead of white. also i guess their model is yelling at us instead of smiling with their farquaad chin. they're so #appy that they got to mega evolve :) even though something-something TPC like canonized that mega evolution like. hurts?? and sucks??#and the pokémon hate it or something?? as their excuse for why they removed it. i have no idea if that's true or not i think it's something #i heard one time and probably never fact-checked. and to be honest? i don't really feel like fact-checking it right now either #my power is out. and i was gonna put some curry chicken in the slow cooker. but now i can't. i was trying to get better about trying new #foods and eating better bc of the 'Tism always wanting me to eat the same shit all the time but no00o0oo0o the universe said i was gonna #have an AWFUL morning. by the time this posts it'll have been over for like two weeks but. well. Sahhry!

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spaciebabie · 9 months ago

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does any other demiromantic (or arosepc doesnt rlly matter) feel like. extremely awful when they experience romantic attraction or is that just me.

#spacie spoinks #bruh #like. while im experiencing it i wish so badly that i wasnt 😭#i feel disgusted. is this what romantic repulsion is???#cuz like ill be experiencing all the lovey dovey stuff yk #''ooohb i wanna kiss dem oooh what if we help hands'' romantic crap but its like. anxiety inducing #like it feels awful??? is this normally how it feels?? i dont like it.#it like. doesnt feel right or natural and im assuming its b/c i just like?? barely feel it ever?? and thats why???#strange as hell.#i recently felt romantic attraction 2 someone (it has been 2 or 3 years since i last felt it) and it came on really strong for like #a week and that was like the worst week of my life #i couldnt think abt anything else but them like it wasnt even like. fantasies or anything just like.#the concept of them. my brain would just be like ''hey remember this guy''#I LIKE COULDNT SLEEP #HOW DO YOU PPL ENJOY THIS????#me; clutching my head for ~a week: AUUUGH!! THE PERSON!!! THE PERSON!!!!!#im so serious this is how it feels w/springtrap. hes like a blight on my psyche #the feelings have faded mostly i think. i think im normal abt them again (thank god)#its so strange. i think a romantic relationship would be fun but then i start feeling the feelings and its. awful.#so horrid #also like. im considering that maybe the relationship i would like some day isnt romantic but a qpr #idk. ive never been in any kind of serious relationship (never wanted 2 and have never been approached for it)#sometjing 2 think abt i guess?#anybeans. i tire.#hope i never experience that again #ik that like in 2-3 years ill be like: ''man. idk what past spacie was talking abt. would be nice 2 feel romantic attraction again''#NO SPACIE IT WONT!!! REMEMBER!!!!!! REMEMBER WHAT YOU WENT THRU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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fruitybashir · 8 months ago

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thank you for deciding one day that you should write holiday really it was the best fandom experience ever 🥺💗💗✨ i mean the waiting for sundays the screaming at you here in your inbox bc i'm just too emotionally invested in these two fucking idiots the shivering with anticipation part of it all regarding the chapters themselves ofc but also all the snippets and spoilers omg 😭🙏💖 and ofc the writing itself??? fucking BRILLIANT loved every single bit of it and also a little embarrassed that certain parts literally had me reacting physically at what was happening in the chapter but uhm. lets not talk about this lmao anywayyyyyyyyys i love you have a great day/week/month/year i love youuuuu 💕💕💕

^ literally me reading this, my friend can confirm bc im having this reaction on the couch right next to them djcmnsmd

#im so sorryyyyyy i fucking suckkk at responding to you guys in a way that does these messages justice bc youre SO FUCKING SWEET AAAAAHHH #i wont lie my winter has been pretty fucking awful both mentally and with my health just kicking the bucket like #this amount of flare ups usually has me going lowkey catatonic for weeks but writing and interacting with you all has been so much fun and #i always looked forward to the weekends like i was sooooo excited to be able to upload the next chapter and and and idkkkk #its just been so much fun it really made me so happy the whole time you guys will live in my heart forever and ever 🫶🏻💖💖💖💖💖#inbox #anonymous

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meowmedusa · 3 months ago

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looking at the clock and going "oh. i didn't. even realize it was past 8pm." and its not funny or cool its just unbelievably concerning

#medusa rambles #kind of venty ig #ive been having. a really shitty two weeks and an even shittier few days #i decided to step down from the student organization i started a year ago #which basically means itll probably fade into oblivion #i lost so many connections i had to this awful fucking college #in the past two weeks #and its like #all i have left tying me there is a degree that i don't really need for what i want to do #and a handful of professors & staff i genuinely value #i have very little support system in general and its just #why am i even staying here #why stay. genuinely why stay #i am such a community based person and like #i have no community there #everyone who im close with there just #are busy and i get it and i understand it but we Don't Talk. they understand my life via scattered updates that they dont really care for #and talking into the void is funny until its. not.#and logically i know that this is just like. pure depression speaking and not actually reflective of whether my friends care for me or not #but it just doesnt matter #and i think its just like. i Need to stop trying #because every attempt at any form of connection #that just fails completely and utterly is so severely damaging #but what do i have if i don't try. what is there otherwise.#i remember a year ago #when i first started college #sitting in my dorm and sobbing every night because i was just so fucking isolated from everyone around me #and its like. nothing has really changed. i am just as isolated as i was then #i think honestly like. maybe i do just need to be hospitalized again #i dont. feel like i did when i was 16 but i know that This is not sustainable and not good and like. sitting and going

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