#this week has been really awful for me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

shoveitevil · 3 months

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mother dearest is finally home

#no bcs like #my parents r trying to work shit out i get it #and they have been transparent about rhat #but like. a parent should not have to go and sleep at another personas house for almost a week to get away from us #and the thing is i can’t really blame her #my dad doesn’t do like any work around the house #and he puts himself above everyone else #ugh #this week has been really awful for me #for some reason i remembered that oh yeah i’ll never be who i really want to be #and i’ve set myself a decision deadline that by the end on july i need to know whether or not i’m going to transition #i need to properly weight the pros and cons of all my options and what they will entail #it’s just so frustrating #i really do feel like i’m sitting at the fig tree watching all the fruit rot in front of me #can i not just pick multiple. what if i want to try being a 6’1 man and then if i hate it be a 5’8 woman #or if i hate that be a 5’8 man #bcs those three r kinda my only options #i’d rather not be a 6’1 woman because i’d hate myself #it’s just like if i choose to transition all the good genetics that i got from my dad are thrown out the window #and if i transition and end up looking ugly and not passing i’ll hate myself more than if i just never transitioned #but if i don’t do anything and i become a good looking talk man with good features sure i’ll be loved #i’ll probably be able to pull (hopefully bcs i need to become an actually good person first)#but i won’t be loved the way i want to be loved #i want to be the one who gets helped in the relationship not the helper yk #ughhh and i’ll have to come out to my parents and everything #why could i not have just been born a womannnnnnn ughhghg

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hammill-goes-fogwalking · 6 months

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I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI. I HATE AI.

#not dislike. its hate #it made me cry several times today #thinking of how my classmates manipulate our teachers #and chatgpt AIs can EVERYTHING #its so painful to think of it #today I broke down in the bus and cried #idc what people think. hiding my feelings any longer would destroy me from the inside #maybe youve also seen how people use freakin AIs in their exams #the thing is that:#we wrote an exam for which Ive studies for like 2 whole days #this week we finally got the exams back (w the grades ofc)#and ok Ive got a 3 (C in America syste #*m)#my friends who used chatgpt throughout the exam got way better grades (I didnt expect it otherwise)#PLUS #the most provocating messages from the teacher:#“10/10 POINTS :)” “YOURE ROCKING THIS” “YEAH”#💔#seriously #this breaks my heart #dont the teacher see something suspect in the exam?!#why cant they open their eyes and get modernized to reality.#& they KNOW- the students Im talking of. they usally have bad results.#once our teacher came to a chatgpt student and said the most miserable thing:#“youve been using duolingo a lot lately hm? thats where your nice grades come from 😉🥰”#you get it?#no- this peoson didnt learn.#no- this person isnt even interested in the stuff we learn in lessons #AWFUL feeling to hear the praisings of da teachers when *I* gotta sit among the gpt-students and look like Im a worse student than *them*#[writing this at almost 1 at night] still have some tears. this topic really has the power to destroy someones day. 💔💔

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spaciebabie · 6 months

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shoutout 2 this person in my class who i can tell wants 2 talk 2 me really bad but instead of doing that whenever she has the chance she'll talk 2 whoever else is around and ignore me entirely unless im mentioned by name

#bruh lmao #so awkward. say something you dingus lol #ik you wanna talk 2 me so bite the bullet already #gyatt #spacie spoinks #literally. she was having a conversation with my partner for the project im doing. and like #heres the thing #if im not invited into conversation i usually dont participate #im like a vampire like that #and so like. after they're done conversating she'll just kind of. stand there. this has happened twice now #like dude sdkfjshlkdfj #im not upset by this behavior i have very awful social patterns as well and have been thru this (i am autistic)#am i gonna hafta say something. lol #probably #''hey bro whats up with you. i dont mean like how are you doing. i mean like. whats wrong with you.''#cant say that its not funny when you say it irl only when the ppl you're talking with know you're not being mean 😭#also like. this person has been staring at me lol #which like. makes me flustered so whenever she's around i panic and my face fucking turns red its god awful #for awhile it made uhh. my paranoia get really bad im ngl!!#its already bad when it comes 2 being around strangers but this like made it REALLY bad for a few weeks #im more calm now tho. rational brain won over and im chillin #i gotta work up the courage 2 say something b4 the semester is over or this is gonna bother me for the rest of my life sfkjsdhflkjs #i dont wanna put her on the spot #the only time i see her is when im in class #and . doing that interaction in front of ppl. i dont wanna embarrass her ksjfskjd

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taiyami · 5 months

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I don't work tomorrow . Or for the next month ... which means I can draw again ..?

#you guys have no idea how fucking awful it has been for me the last few months 🚬😑#tai talks #i dont think anybody ever really truly notices how little art i put out when im working overtime every week </3 #but I do. for sure. i notice it.#ive worked like 50 hour weeks for so long i dont even remember how long.#i feel at rest now and im so. so excited to get back to my projects <3333333

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soap-ify · 6 months

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hello (going to pretend that i didn't disappear AGAIN)

#i'm sorry #i have been saying the same thing for a while now and i hate myself for it #these weeks have just been so horrible and i'm just so??#i have lost interest in everything and now i just feel like an empty shell #it's an awful feeling i can't bring myself to do anything no matter how much i want to #it just hurts a lot i don't really know what to do at this point #i suppose this was me taking a break again i haven't written at all #i tried to. came up with two paragraphs and then dropped it #life has just been so weird lately and i really miss you all.#ANYWAYS...#ruru rambles

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antiyourwokehomophobia2 · 2 months

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Traveling out of state to go visit my (now ex) gf and coming home with covid is such a double whammy.

#There has been more tragedy in my life these last 5 years than all other years put together #Literally the moment I turned 18 and entered college shit has gone awry #My first semester I went to a mental hospital #In my second year when I was 19 my dad died #And now my gf of almost 5 years and I have broken up #I really thought we were going to get married lmao #Ohhh and now I have covid in the last weeks of summer before I'm set to move back home with my mother #My mom wants me to move back home because she's concerned about me and I appreciate that but she's not a good person #But I don't have a choice and if I'm being completely honest she's probably right that me being in my own is not good for me at all #And I'm fully certain I am slipping back into a suicidal mindset #And this is petty but the weather has been awful every single day #And I am just not having a good time literally at all

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thecedarchronicle · 2 months

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.

#VENT #VENT TAGS AHEAD !!#so the job is...awful.#i applied for 20-25 hours #they asked if i could do 30 #and now theyre pushing me into 40.#i didn't realize that when i agreed to 30 that was NOT binding (i should have known because it wasn't in my job offer. but i am 19 and--#ive never had a job offer letter before. even tho this is just retail)#and i can't adjust my availability for 90 days.#and since i put full availability expecting 25 hours max #now i have FULL 24/7 AVAILABILITY ON FILE for three months at least #and i have no idea what to do because this means i cant commit to any classes coming up for college #but ive been job hubting for months and barely got anything #and if i lose the job i have to move back in with my dad which is almost worse #whats wirse is my leader/boss is so mean. im not saying this lightly #i dont want to get into it but im barely a week in and he's made disrespectful and pushy comments towards me #has basically told me to stay late (which theoretically i cluld say no; but im still on my three months of 'we will fire you if we want to'#and like i said. need the job.#so he told me to stay late knowing i cant really say no #he's given me a frankly absurd amount of work (instock and i get carts filled woth 2-3x their max capacity unorganized and dangerously--#overloaded) and then he pushes me and snaps at me to get it done in an absurdly short timeframe while im still in TRAINING #im afab and present femme as i haven't transitioned irl and he is so ragingly sexist #he often just refers to me and the other girl being trained as 'girl' or 'that girl #and to top it all off #i took this job over a second interview at a place i really liked #because i thought the hours at this olace would be more consistent #nope! full time! surprise!!#and now im kicking myself so fucking hard over it. i feel like i fucked up so hard #and my friend i moved here with has been home for two months and will be this month so im just. alone. and i don't really have anyone to #turn to. im just so very stressed and tired and lonely

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foggysirens · 2 months

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there’s a sort of clawing desperation that rips you up from the insides when you’re trying to be an adult and have your own life but then the very same people who are telling you to do just that continue to treat and berate you like a child and refuse to see you as a person with adult concerns and needs and you are left trying to juggle these two selves that they want to exist as one but only if both halves are agreeable to them and follow orders but they also throw it in your face that’s you need to make your “own decisions” and i want to throw up :)

#mj.chatter #personal #like yeah id love to travel and see my family but i just took time off in the summer and my mom insisted on coming to see me instead #of me going home and it was fun and nice but now she wants me to take MORE time off in september to go see everyone #and like i don’t think she understands i need to work? and i want to try to work on my second career more in the fall as well?? and taking #an entire week off isn’t something that’s like great for me to do #and like it should be okay with work but at the same time management has been so awful lately that i don’t know #and when i tried to express that she got upset with me #and said that it’s all on me now #but she very clearly wants me to do what she wants me to do #and she keeps telling me that i should be excited she’s offering to buy a ticket for me #but really i just feel sick #like i wish i could be just excited but she has turned this into the most stressful situation possible #and wants me to be the good kid and just say okay #but whenever i push back it’s suddenly all my fault cause im the adult and need to get my shit together

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piplupod · 2 months

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so there's a trans woman who goes to the centre and everyone calls her by her birthname which she is like... fine with but only because she has no choice but to be fine about it. anyways I've known her for a while through a trans group before the centre so I asked her today if she'd rather I call her by her birthname or her chosen name and she said she prefers her chosen name but I can call her by her birthname if I want and oh my god I was about to cry for her bc god I really feel that whole situation fjdkdl, I just told her "no I WANT to call you by the name you prefer, that's why I'm asking, I want to make sure it's safe for you if I call you [preferred name]" and she seemed so grateful and I'm just :') eeurrgghh i hate how we have to be grateful with crumbs !!!

its just absolutely wild to me that she's presenting femininely and wears skirts and dresses and everything and uses her preferred name when she writes her name down on stuff and yet everyone at the centre calls her by her birthname and he/him pronouns. like. how are people so fucking rude and oblivious ??? she's even worn a she/her pronoun pin to the centre like.... people are so fucking stupid about trans people I stg.

idk I'm just hoping to make her feel a bit more comfortable and maybe if I start calling her by the right name and pronouns then everyone else will too eventually because I know she doesnt feel safe correcting people. I'm not going to make a big thing of it obviously bc I don't want to put her in danger but I will be using the correct name and pronouns now that I've double-checked with her about it, and if I start feeling like it's making things worse for her then I'll check in with her again at that point. I've honestly been stumbling trying to use he/him for her when I mention her to other ppl because she is just... she/her in my brain. it's what I know she wants to use so it feel fucking awful to use anything else !!!

#and my counselor said smth abt her that rly didnt sit right with me #but i was too scared to challenge her on it and ask what she meant by what she'd said #it might just be that this woman talks too much and will talk my ear off if i let her fjfkdl #and then i wont make friends if i just sit with her every day like i was doing the first couple weeks #but smth abt the way she said smth more like... ''getting sucked into all the stuff [she] has going on''#but said in a more... eugh way #idk it set off transphobia alarm bells in my head. ''ooh man wearing a dress who thinks he's a woman how crazy and perverted'' sort of vibe #I'm just... worried. that my counselor is transphobic lmao. I haven't talked abt any of my gender stuff w her #she can she/her me all she wants lol I don't talk about gender w mental health professionals ever after that initial exp a few yrs ago #I DONT KNOW THOUGH THIS IS JUST RLY MESSING WITH ME #LIKE WHY ARE PEOPLE BEING SO WILLFULLY OBLIVIOUS ???#its really fucking upsetting and I've been trying to not let it get to me too much but jesus fucking christ c'mon people 😭😭😭#im hoping i can maybe help change things for the better bc I'll be someone on her side #since she doesnt seem to have that there. god I've cried abt this a few times bc its just awful #and it rly reminds me a bit of my own situation where i just. grin and bear the misgendering and wrong name #except im a coward compared to her fjdksl i never mention my name or pronouns #i will say though that she has consistently misgendered me no matter how often I've reminded her of my pronouns fjdksl #but like... they/them is difficult. i get that. I can't hold it against her esp bc she's in her like 50s or smth #head in my hands. i wish life were kinder to all of us. i hope one day things can be easier #pippen needs 2nd breakfast #transphobia #transmisogyny #<- for blacklists. i uhhh hope this doesnt turn up in searches but oh well !!!

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front-facing-pokemon · 1 year

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#mega salamence #did not forget this one. i was like… salamence is a competitive pokémon. and megas happen in competitive. salamence has a mega‚ right?#i was right. they do. here it is. it just gets Even More primary colors. the yellow in the eyes completes the Primary Colors Trio #and their chin turns red instead of white. also i guess their model is yelling at us instead of smiling with their farquaad chin. they're so #appy that they got to mega evolve :) even though something-something TPC like canonized that mega evolution like. hurts?? and sucks??#and the pokémon hate it or something?? as their excuse for why they removed it. i have no idea if that's true or not i think it's something #i heard one time and probably never fact-checked. and to be honest? i don't really feel like fact-checking it right now either #my power is out. and i was gonna put some curry chicken in the slow cooker. but now i can't. i was trying to get better about trying new #foods and eating better bc of the 'Tism always wanting me to eat the same shit all the time but no00o0oo0o the universe said i was gonna #have an AWFUL morning. by the time this posts it'll have been over for like two weeks but. well. Sahhry!

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fruitybashir · 5 months

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thank you for deciding one day that you should write holiday really it was the best fandom experience ever 🥺💗💗✨ i mean the waiting for sundays the screaming at you here in your inbox bc i'm just too emotionally invested in these two fucking idiots the shivering with anticipation part of it all regarding the chapters themselves ofc but also all the snippets and spoilers omg 😭🙏💖 and ofc the writing itself??? fucking BRILLIANT loved every single bit of it and also a little embarrassed that certain parts literally had me reacting physically at what was happening in the chapter but uhm. lets not talk about this lmao anywayyyyyyyyys i love you have a great day/week/month/year i love youuuuu 💕💕💕

^ literally me reading this, my friend can confirm bc im having this reaction on the couch right next to them djcmnsmd

#im so sorryyyyyy i fucking suckkk at responding to you guys in a way that does these messages justice bc youre SO FUCKING SWEET AAAAAHHH #i wont lie my winter has been pretty fucking awful both mentally and with my health just kicking the bucket like #this amount of flare ups usually has me going lowkey catatonic for weeks but writing and interacting with you all has been so much fun and #i always looked forward to the weekends like i was sooooo excited to be able to upload the next chapter and and and idkkkk #its just been so much fun it really made me so happy the whole time you guys will live in my heart forever and ever 🫶🏻💖💖💖💖💖#inbox #anonymous

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spaciebabie · 6 months

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does any other demiromantic (or arosepc doesnt rlly matter) feel like. extremely awful when they experience romantic attraction or is that just me.

#spacie spoinks #bruh #like. while im experiencing it i wish so badly that i wasnt 😭#i feel disgusted. is this what romantic repulsion is???#cuz like ill be experiencing all the lovey dovey stuff yk #''ooohb i wanna kiss dem oooh what if we help hands'' romantic crap but its like. anxiety inducing #like it feels awful??? is this normally how it feels?? i dont like it.#it like. doesnt feel right or natural and im assuming its b/c i just like?? barely feel it ever?? and thats why???#strange as hell.#i recently felt romantic attraction 2 someone (it has been 2 or 3 years since i last felt it) and it came on really strong for like #a week and that was like the worst week of my life #i couldnt think abt anything else but them like it wasnt even like. fantasies or anything just like.#the concept of them. my brain would just be like ''hey remember this guy''#I LIKE COULDNT SLEEP #HOW DO YOU PPL ENJOY THIS????#me; clutching my head for ~a week: AUUUGH!! THE PERSON!!! THE PERSON!!!!!#im so serious this is how it feels w/springtrap. hes like a blight on my psyche #the feelings have faded mostly i think. i think im normal abt them again (thank god)#its so strange. i think a romantic relationship would be fun but then i start feeling the feelings and its. awful.#so horrid #also like. im considering that maybe the relationship i would like some day isnt romantic but a qpr #idk. ive never been in any kind of serious relationship (never wanted 2 and have never been approached for it)#sometjing 2 think abt i guess?#anybeans. i tire.#hope i never experience that again #ik that like in 2-3 years ill be like: ''man. idk what past spacie was talking abt. would be nice 2 feel romantic attraction again''#NO SPACIE IT WONT!!! REMEMBER!!!!!! REMEMBER WHAT YOU WENT THRU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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toastybugguy · 7 months

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one of those days when shit just happens to you and you realize you probably will never get closure and will have to learn how to cope with it on your own. good god. where is the fucking rewind button!!

#toasty talks #rant incoming #I just want to turn my brain off #god.#I often forget how much people can suck when you exit your bubble #this morning has been awful. shoutout to church groups. I hope everyone there explodes #I don’t think I’ll be going again. we tried folks we tried but I am so emotionally drained and unwell after that.#sue me for assuming as a trans Christian my pov would be helpful in a class LITERALLY talking about gender identity #but instead the moment my experience challenges or doesn’t apply to them they get teary because oh WE’VE felt hurt in our lives too!!#how dare you assume we don’t understand!! (<- still cisgender!! so no!!! you don’t understand!!!!)#fuck them honestly they can figure it out by themselves #I am so tired of this #I would take a staunch conservative any day over these 30 something liberal terfdipshits who can’t stand a conversation not being about them #when the class is. again. LITERALLY about gender identity. christ.#my brother will be home next week and will probably go to the class so MAYBE. MAYBE I will go to that meeting but I really don’t know.#if it’s too much then I am not going back. fuck them fuck them fuck them

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statichvm · 6 months

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hi yes i am barely here today because i am barely a person today

#i’ll answer the asks i have perhaps later but probably tomorrow #idk.#this has been a really awful week for me and my brain #personal ramblings

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neverbelessthan · 11 days

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i 👏🏻 am 👏🏻 struggling 👏🏻👏🏻

#honestly just feeling so awful right now #physically and mentally #just like honestly a dumpster fire #in every way #and being an isolated fucker is usually fine because whatever #but carrying this shit around alone for weeks and weeks and not having anyone to fucking just hold my hand for a moment #is really starting to wear me out #and I don’t know what to do #I feel like I’ve been effectively avoiding myself for two years and this has just stalled me out and everything has just rear-ended me #and not in the fun way #delete later

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hiddenbeks · 23 days

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hiiiii im alive how is everyone doing 🫶

#i've been hospitalized for almost two weeks now tho ahah #medical #illness #yknow i started having really high fevers on the 17th and went to the emergency clinic the following chusday #doctors were confused n i had to stay in the hospital while they did a bunch of scans and tests and finally found a staph infection #im on antibiotics now and they seem to be working well and i might even get to go back home next week 👍#anyway this has been fucking awful :) all because i got unlucky with a medicine :)#my skin seems to be getting better tho. and nothing abnormal was detected in the lymph nodes actually #but the staph infection caused a really weird inflammation around them apparently and my neck is still swollen #but it'll get better soon i hope!!!! save me antibiotics!!!!!!#el.txt

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