#this was supposed to post last night but tumblr mobile hates me

[ryoko-akari]

I wrote this a while ago for @dr-docktor and his Curt Falls AU but finally decided to post it on here. For a bit of context it's set post "musical" a few months after Owen rescues Curt on the stairwell and during Curts recovery period. Because we wanted to give them a happy ending, but it'd be something they'd have to fight tooth and nail for. So without further waiting, enjoy what I've dubbed the "nightmare drabble." (Pretend the Asterix stuff is in italics I'm on mobile tumblr and it hates me)

Owen was a light sleeper, always has been. It'd helped him as a kid listen out for the blaring air raid sirens, and it'd helped him throughout his career from letting anyone get the drop on him while vulnerable.

Now, it was alerting him to how Curt needed him, and fast by the looks of it.

Curt hadn't woken up yet, but Owen didn't need him to to recognize the telltale signs of how he tossed and turned in the sheets and mumbled incoherant phrases into the pillow. Mutters of the word "no" over and over were the only ones Owen really understood. Curt hadn't gotten to the point of screaming in his sleep just yet, they were lucky in that regard (if one could call any of their situation lucky, that is). But Owen knew what to do now. He'd done it so many times the routine felt like clockwork.

"Curt? Love, it's me, it's alright. It’s just a night terror. It'll pass." Owen spoke softly, but repeated the little mantra he'd found to be effective the last few times. Careful not to hold Curt down in any way, last thing he wanted was a repeat of that instance. (While being pinned down could certainly be considered exciting, having his arms roughly pulled behind his back much further than they were supposed to was, most decidedly, not an experience worth repeating.)

Curt woke with a start, eyes flying open as he shot up in bed like a rocket, bracing his upper body with both arms behind him. Gripping tightly to the sheets as he heaved air into his lungs. Owen waited a few moments to let him process whatever he'd witnessed behind closed eyelids, waited until he heard the American's breath finally start to even out.

"You're alright, Curt. It's alright, I'm here, I've got you." Owen slowly sat up, propping himself up on a bent elbow, turning to better face Curt.

Curt, who had now turned sharply to face him, and Owen could see in the faint moonlight the way his eyes went wide. He heard the way Curt's breathing picked back up into desperate gasps as he sputtered.

"I've got you, love. I won't leave you alone." Curt's breathing only got worse then.

"No. *No no no no NO NO NO NONONONONO-"* Curt's voice started as a whisper of disbelief, but quickly picked up speed and volume as he startled back, nearly falling off the bed in a tangle of sheets and blankets. Owen barely restrained the alarm that surged through his system then, catching hold of Curts wrist to help pull him from the edge. Curt only stared down at his hand, shaking his head wildly. "You can't be here, you. *You can't!"* His voice cracked with raw desperation then, and Owen could see the sparkles of tears welling in his eyes. *And god did it tear his heart to shreds.*

"We're safe, Curt." Curt shook his head even more violently, and Owen felt something warm and wet splashing against him then. Not that he needed to question what it was.

"No, no we're not, not when they-" Curf cut himself off by covering his mouth with his own hand. Desperately looking around the room then. *"You need to get out of here."*

"Curt, we're safe. I promise you we are." Owen tried to give him a reassuring squeeze, but it only made Curt jump at the sensation. Owen let go then, and Curt instantly got out of bed, throwing the covers off him like they were burning and rushing to Owen's side.

"I don't, I don't know how they got you but we need to get you out before they come back. *Please. You need to run before they come back, promise me you won't let them ever find you again."*

Oh. *Oh.* Owen knew what Curt's nightmare had been now, and he clenched his jaw, hard. Biting back the growl of anger he wanted to roar out then. It could be saved for later, when it'd be more effective, but now all it would do is make the situation worse, and that was the *last* thing either of them needed.

"Curt you're not with Chimera anymore, remember? We're safe and far away from them. They can't find us here, love. We're safe." Owen tried to keep his voice calm, tried to keep his smile light, tried to give Curt as much stability as he possibly could. All he got in response was more aggressive head shaking.

*"No, no they wouldn't just let me go."* Owen could feel his heart shatter, but didn't dare let it show. He needed to stay calm. *Curt needed him to stay calm.* "They'll come for me, you need to get away. You can stay safe! You can-"

Owen grabbed Curt's arm then, like they always did. Curt's breath caught in his throat.

"I'm never leaving your side. Curt I promise you, you're safe here. We've been living together here for a few months now, remember?" Owen pleaded, Curt just stared at him in silence, stuttering breaths and his arm still in Owen's grip being the only indication he was even there.

"Take some deep breaths for me love, alright? Just copy me. Deep breath in the nose," Owen demonstrated, overexagerating the sound to help. Curt followed, not nearly getting deep enough, *but it was a start.* they held like that for a few seconds. "Exhale through your mouth," Owen exaggerated the sound again, and Curt followed his lead. "In." Owen took a deep breath in, and heard Curt attempt to repeat, holding for a few seconds. "Out."

They repeated this process a few more times, Curt getting better with each breath until he was able to match Owen's pace.

It was only then, when they had reached some form of calm, did a third voice make itself known in a confused chirp. Curt startled before looking over to its source, a previously curled up ball at the foot of the bed now making it's way over to them. Penelope chirped again with concern, rubbing herself up against Curt's side.

"See? You're safe Curt." Owen smiled as Penelope flopped against Curt's side. Purring loudly almost immidiately. "We've got you." Curt stayed silent, patting the cat on the head before turning his attention back to Owen. The only response the British man would get being a slow nod. And it was all he needed.

They'd be okay, *eventually.*

[mushibashiraas]

🛒 I JUSR REALIZED HOW AWFUL AND ROBOTIC I SOUNDFJDJDJ LIKE. i come back after posting the ruggie fic and redoing my theme only to drop a to do list and dip againdjsjdjs ah. uh.

so life update ig? eh. i can talk more about my chronic migraines too since the life update is mainly about themfjdjdj oops. BUCKLE TF UP BC THIS'LL BE LONG (still dont know how to add the "more under the cut" thing on mobile tumblr. too lazy to get out my laptop)

this whole week has been insane! context: my migraines are triggered by bright light, loud sounds, motion-sickness-games (i.e. genshin, Identity V, etc.), weather pressure changes, rainy days/nights, storms, and dramatic temperature fluctuations..... but mainly the last four.

anyway. this week had the first and the second triggers. (and towards the end of this week is supposed to have the last trigger. yay!) one of the things that happens (IF i push myself to power through and "stay conscious" — more on that in a bit) is that i faint. like. not "faint for a couple minutes." nahhhh! i go out for like 10-40 minutes; normally the max is 20. but occasionally, a 40 minute episode'll occur and those are the scary ones.

on tuesday, i had a doctor appointment with my cardiologist pertaining to said migraines and fainting. while waiting to check in, i passed out and fell (i was standing at the time). and the staff and nurses were worried i hit my head so they called for an ambulance to drive me across the street to the hospital ER. i was there all afternoon and almost all night. i finally went home at 11pm. i'll spare yall of the more personal details (what tests were done, the overall experience, etc). all i'll say is that there's a reason why i hate hospitals and needles.

but the visit was long and tedious and terrifying and painful. i cried several times, as well as fainted a few more times between when i came to just as the paramedics arrived and a little after the technicians performed EKGs, etc. [like they usually do whenever someone is first admitted to the ER]. those fainting episodes were only a few minutes tho. not long at all. don't worry!

*sighs* anyway. that visit defined my entire week tho bc i ended up missing a day of work on thursday and a korean language class on wednesday. still felt the usual symptoms (most likely the aftermath) like dizziness, nausea, a heavy, sluggish feeling, soreness/headaches, loss of eyesight, etc.

hope this explanation helps??? i'll get back to writing and gaming soon. aaaaa i have a guaranteed yelan to get ready for anyway. heehee

EDIT: i forgot to add that yall shouldnt worry too much! sorry if i scared yall! these migraines and fainting episodes aren't manageable yet. even tho i can go to work sometimes, i cant drive, take horseback riding lessons (i used to take them), and go to/continue college,,,, i've had them since 2013?? 2014?? and am on medication for them as well as going to a neurologist and cardiologist who are both monitoring my condition and trying to help me and get them manageable so i can do all the aforementioned things i said i can't do.

also, it's not as uncommon as i seem to make it to be. several celebrities (look up Ben Affleck migraines) have chronic migraines, as well as several families/people/co-workers also have or have dealt with chronic migraines and passing out due to them. my own mom and older brother — altho they aren't biologically related to me — also have bad/chronic migraines. my family actually make jokes about my migraines and say i'm a walking barometer lol if anyone lives in the northeastern U.S. text me and check if a storm is coming. lol i can most likely tell you; if i migraine than yes. if i don't than no. lol /j but all jokes aside,,, again. don't worry too much for me. ok? i'm still functioning even if it's at low-HP/hu tao levels (a little genshin/gamer joke/comparison for yall). i'm still shino/em, someone who is so in love with jamil and xiao and rindou that they'll devote all their time and resources to taking care of them. heehee! ❤️❤️

[davidtennantpussytulpa]

i just saw endgame so im gonna TALK about it

first off: endgame good??? to be fair i didnt really have high expectations bc iw was shitty but i actually liked this for the most part

CAROL. BABY. really got me at the beginning with that straight male gaze look but she came back with her hair CUT and like okay!!! miss lesbian!!!! THEN she fuckin showed UP to that funeral in the most bomb ass pantsuit i have EVER seen fucking lesbian RIGHTS!!!!

NEBULA!!! BABY!!! LOVE OF MY LIFE!!! she finally got to play a big part in the movie and its what she deserves!!!! she is fucking accepted!! she is happy!!! nebula my fucking SWEETIEPIE!!!!! MARRY ME!!

bannerhulk..... literally owns all my uwus. they really went out there and had bruce accept both parts of himself and be happy. when the kids were like HULK!!! he wasn’t embarrassed he was like YEAH!!! SAY GREEN!!! and hes so proud and happy like!!! he really deserves that!!! and just seeing the scene of him riding crosslegged in the back of the truck melted my heart.... i love him SO damn much

CAP?? CAPTAIN??? the scene with the hammer!?!??! never in my LIFE have i had the urge to clap or yell in a theater but i really couldnt help it i yelled and everyone was cheering like okay you ARE worthy bitch!!!!

and the end with him??? really so good.... he and peggy really deserve that. now THATS what i call love 1970

valkryie, as always, can fucking GET. IT. thor really named her king huh. strap rights

tony is by no means my favorite but you know what? he was going back and i knew he was gonna see his dad and i got excited. and that shit? good for him honestly

octavia spencer hey baby!!! i didnt know you would be in here but you were great!!!

thor really got to talk to frigga again.... ouchie oof my heart....

i really had to wait through 20 damn movies for clint and nat to actually have a fuckin friendship. they delivered for 10 minutes and i cherish those minutes

i know scotts reunion with his daughter was a touching moment and everything but shskgbgffj the entire scene i was just doing math in my head trying to figure out how old she was

i was so disappointed with loki at first bc i was like??? they had the audacity to pretend that anyone gave a shit abt vision with wanda at the end but thor didnt say anything abt him?? and when he went back he was excited to see his mom and not his brother?? idk i just feel like its out of character for him even with the russo jerkoffs in charge

BUT!! i was like this is SHIT hes really gone but my roommate reminded me he got the tesseract!!! so that shit really happened bc they brought it back to 1970 so he got it in 2012 and my boy. hes still here. sad that ragnarok wont be part of new timeline lokis growth tho

didnt like them being all haha thor fat tho. that shit was bad and everyone in the theater was really laughin like that was the funniest shit they had ever seen. fuck that part

yes i KNOW the russo brothers dont give a shit about women. i know that. BUT.... the part where all the women gather up on the battlefield really was so good for me

i was surprised at the end that cap gave the shield to sam and not bucky bc thats what we all thought. good for sam tho he deserves that

HOWEVER i thought that scene was hella weird with bucky like “go ahead sam...” like he wasnt friends with steve??? like he was really his best friend since childhood and everything and he was like oh you just go like you know you can BOTH go talk to him right???

cap really was just. so sexy in this. the hammer. the lightning. the scene in the elevator where he says heil hydra??? HES SO DAMN SMART AND HOT PLEASE!!! LET ME GET AT AMERICAS ASS!!!

also. i got REAL heated during the time travel talk for two reasons:

one: bruce was acting like he knew the rules of how time travel worked and what they should/shouldnt do. the whole POINT was that they werent sure how it would turn out like HUH

two: they really named off like 30 time travel movies. and they didnt include 13 going on 30. come ON that would have been funny. and you cant tell me that it would be a paradox bc of mark ruffalo bc in those 30 movies and the huge cast of the mcu theres no way there isnt any crossover of actors

and because we all hated it: joe russo you really should choke you want us all to suck your dick bc gAy rEpREseNtATiOn1!!! but your cameo was just bad

also idk i just thought it was really funny during tonys funeral that the kid from iron man 2 or whatever was just like. there. like i dont remember what he looks like i had to think back so hard like who the FUCK is this random dude

and his funeral was also funny bc everyone is dressed normally then it gets to okoye in her bomb ass slit top dress and i was like REALLY GET IT QUEEN!! fucking THEN carol is in her pantsuit and im like YES!!! BE THE FUCKIN HOTTIES AT THIS FUNERAL!!! GET IT GIRLS!!!

okay i think im done for now lmao if you read that all you are entitled to all of my possessions when i die

[wiypt-writes]

25 Days Of CHRIS-Mas

Day 25: A CHRIS-Mas Carol

Part 2: Present

Summary: You and Chris have a love/hate relationship…in that you love to hate one another. But it hasn’t always been that way, and sometimes, to build a better future, someone has to be the bigger person and remember why and how it wasn’t always that bad.

Pairing: Chris Evans x Actress Reader

Warnings: Bad Language, smut (NSFW, 18+)

W/C: Hazard a guess about 7k ish?! Poss more.

Disclaimer: This is a pure work of fiction, any likeness to any persons or events in real life are purely co-incidental. I do not own any characters contained herein bar the reader and/or any original characters. I do not give consent for my work to be copied and posted/translated onto any other sites. If you see this fiction anywhere other than Tumblr, it has been taken without permission.By reading beyond this point you understand and accept the terms of this disclaimer and ALL warnings posted here.

A/N: So this is my first EVER RPF and came from an idea I’ve had in my head for ages. It’s split into 3 parts. I know some creative license is taken with the timings of filming some things mentioned, but in my world covid didn’t happen so… roll with me! Posted on mobile with my left hand. Apologies in advance for any mistakes!

Part 1: Past

Yesterday is the past, tomorrow is the future. Today is a gift, that’s why they call it the present.

December 2021

"Apparently, we’re fucking again.” Your voice filled Chris’ ear and he laughed as he readjusted the phone, tipping some kibble into Dodger’s bowl.

"Happens every time we do something together. I take it the Ghosted casting news broke?"

“I’m just not sure how I’m supposed to have the time, what with you, Seb, Cavill and Hemmy, I’m spreading it about.”

Since wrapping up four more Marvel films with Chris, your tenure ended as Marvel's Shadow in a few guest appearances in the Falcon and the Winter Soldier; a Sudanese spy drama with Chris, as well as an original script murder mystery and now a second book to script spy film both starring Chris as a male lead, not to mention the countless other projects you had managed to book in the last eight years. Since patching things up in Orlando that night, you and Chris become close friends. You’d become his preferred leading lady, and the fandom frequently went wild over it.

"That's a herpes nightmare not to mention the gonorrhea." Chris snorted.

"Yeah about that, Imma need the number for your clinic.”

"That's rude." He deadpaned.

"You're not denying it.”

“For the record, I didn’t have gonorrhoea,” he sighed, before he smirked to himself, “it was chlamydia.”

"God, you're disgusting."

"How's Cavill?”

“Oh he’s great. Such a genuinely nice guy. His girlfriend is lovely too. Made me feel so welcome. I’m sad it’s all fine now but hey, season three starts June so… it’s all good!”

"Am I going to get to see you and celebrate Christmas before I head back home? I'm only in LA until Tuesday. Then I won't be back for a while."

“Yeah, I get back in tomorrow evening. You all done on Grey Man?”

"Except for ADR later, yeah," he replied. "I noticed you weren't on the reshoot list."

"I'm that good."

“That or you already did most before you fucked off on press…”

"That too." You laughed. "So, don't get mad, but I kinda grabbed a couple of gifts while I'm here."

"From London?" Chris chuckled, "you know I've been there quite a few times, most of them with you."

"I know. But it's Christmas and these things spoke to me. They practically screamed 'Chris' as I walked by. Or was that when I was in Prague two weeks ago with Hemmy?"

“Name dropping doesn’t impress me.” He teased.

"No? What does impress you then?”

"Hard work, honesty, kind heart...."

"Pretty face, nice ass?”

"Meh, depends," he chuckled

You laughed, “okay, so I need to finish up packing but I’ll let you know when I’m back. Any night in particular good for you?”

"Anytime Friday to Sunday, that okay?"

"Saturday night then?"

“Great, seven work?"

"Seven is fine."

"See you soon."

With a smile, Chris slid his phone onto his pocket and looked around. He hadn’t seen you now for almost two months and he was look forward to catching up.

He typically wasn't in LA for the holiday season, especially not this late into it, but with his reshoot schedule, he was needed. His house lacked some holiday spirit but he thought to soon fix that with your visit.

By Friday, with Scott's help, Chris had put together a small amount of spirit from a little table top tree to a fresh wreath and garland. He even had a nice swag on his mantel and some lights strung out back.

Whilst you yourself weren’t an LA native so to speak, you were spending Christmas in the area with your family this year, and he knew your place would be decorated ridiculously as soon as you got the chance.

Saturday afternoon arrived, and brought with it a quick trip to the garden centre followed by the store to make sure his fridge was stocked along with topping up his snack supplies. A quick shower followed by a check of his emails and social media took him through to seven, and the security system informed him your access code had been used to open his gate.

He hadn't even given you the chance to knock before he threw open his front door only to see the tail lights of her Uber behind you and you on his porch, dressed in a soft cream coloured cashmere sweater, denim jacket and black skinny slacks, leopard ballet flats on your feet.

"Merry Christmas!" You beamed and his chest hitched a little at your smile.

"Merry Christmas!” He grinned back, pulling you in for a hug and lifting you off your feet slightly.

Dodger waited patiently in the entry for them to enter before he gave his sweet, tail wagging welcome with a jump to your hip and an attempted lick to your face.

“Oh, baby!” You giggled, kneeling down. “I missed you too, Dodge. I did!”

“Too?” Chris teased, arms folded as he leaned against the wall. “So you missed me?”

You stood and popped a shoulder, "I did."

He smirked. Even he had to admit that there had been a shift in your friendship lately and while you text and talked often, something felt good about having you in his house tonight, even if it were only a few minutes.

"I see you decorated," you commented, pulling him from his head.

"Well, I couldn’t exactly let Miss Christmas come round without making the effort.”

"Meh, I'm going for the minimalist look this year. With five days to go, I've managed the tree and a wreath. I don't care to make the effort with so little time this year left."

"Very uncharacteristic of you, Y/N, I'm shocked."

“It’s just been crazy,” you sighed, “I don’t think I’ve ever had work commitments so late before ever.”

"Me either, it's been a weird year."

You made your way into the kitchen where you set your bags down on the island chair and leaned against the Italian marble. Dodger had followed, wondering if he'd get a snack to eat.

"Wine? Champagne? Beer?" Chris offered.

"Fizz, please," you smiled.

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Oh stop!” You laughed, “I can’t hear you say that without thinking of Cap!”

Chris bellowed a good laugh and smiled as he poured the Fizz and grabbed himself a beer. He then set about with small conversation about nothing really as he set out snacks, pre-arranged on platters.

"Well, look at you Mr. Fancy." You popped a strawberry slice in your mouth.

"I had help. Scott's and Steve are queens at throwing party plates together."

“I half expected them to be here,” you chuckled at his choice of words, “I’m assuming they’re both going to Boston for Christmas?”

"I don't know about Steve yet. His family had some sad losses this year so he's a little undecided. Scott and I fly back together Tuesday morning."

“Shit, that’s rough.” You frowned.

"Yeah, I know." He sighed, "anyway, you said your family is coming in, when do they arrive?"

You sighed with a smile, "yep, bright and early Thursday morning from y/ht. I'm excited. It's been too long since seeing them all at once."

“They here for New Year too?

“Erm, no. Actually, about that… I’m gonna be in Boston on New Years.”

"What? Seriously?" He was shocked, and a little disappointed you hadn’t said anything.

“Don’t look at me like that! I only found out yesterday myself, it’s a work… thing.”

Chris narrowed his eyes at you , "alright, have secrets, I get it." He picked up a cheese cube and tossed it into his mouth.

“Oh for… fine, but if I tell you and you tell anyone I will murder you in your sleep.” You folded your arms, “I’m meeting Feige."

"In Boston?" Now he was really confused.

“Feige is from Boston you dork!”

"Well no shit, but..." He laughed, "but.... Okay, spill."

“He’s there for Christmas and asked if I could meet him. He has something to pitch to me and they need a decision quick to make it work.”

"Interesting. So you're going in in the dark, huh?"

“Kinda… from what I know, Shadow’s time might not be quite as done as everyone things. They’re talking about her being a part of the Blade movie plus an origin film of her own.”

"No shit?" Chris grinned. "That's wicked cool."

“Yeah, I dunno.” You shrugged, “her arc ended well in Falcon And The Winter Soldier. She got the closure she needed so this… it’s gotta be right and feel right, you know? Although I will admit, her being part of Blades world makes sense seeing as she’s half vampire.”

Chris nodded, "it does, but you're absolutely right." He reached for her hand across the counter, "it has to be what you want or there's no going back. You did a fantastic job with the character and I couldn't see anyone else in the role. Don't let them bully you into something you can't feel."

“Oh, no I won’t. And it’s gots work around the filming for season three of the Witcher, which as it stands is al I have next year, I was planning on taking a bit of time out. That said, Kevin did say there would be some shit for me to film next year which leads me to believe she’ll have an end credit scene or cameo in one of next years films if I go for it.”

"Hey, like I said, don't get sucked in. We all know how deep Marvel commitments run and I think you've worked more than enough to deserve some time to do something you want. Whether that be a break or another project that you're passionate about. I can honestly say, taking. 2020 off was a huge blessing for me."

“Yeah well, post season three I got shit,” you laughed, “spoiler alert, they’re killing Hanya off. They told me when they renewed all the contracts so…”

"So that's it huh, three seasons?" Chris chuckled, "you're forgetting something though."

“What?”

"Me. Our next project."

"Fuck… that too. Jesus, it’s no wonder Jake goes mad at me, I should pay him double. So yeah, basically, I don’t know!” You groaned, banging your head on the surface of the island. “Let’s change the subject. New Years Eve, Boston…” you peeked up at him, grin on your face. “Party?”

"At my place, like always, and I want you to come!" He smiled brightly, hopeful you’d say yes.

“News flash, I was gonna whether you invited me or not.”

"You're always welcome, any time of day or night."

“I’ll hold you to that when I’m bored of hiding in my hotel room.”

"Uh, cancel that reservation, you're staying at mine. I have plenty of room, and Scott and Steve, if he comes, can stay in the guest room in the main house. You could come and go from the guest house over the garage."

“I don’t wanna put you out,” you shook your head, “I’m gonna be there for five days.”

"Nonsense. Being in some bougie hotel for the holiday sucks. Why not stay with friends and enjoy it more?"

You hesitated, taking a deep breath, before you smiled. “Okay, what the hell. The world already thinks we’re fucking so…”

"Cheers to that..." He tilted his bottle at her.

You helped Chris with dinner, the two of you sitting after things were cleaned up in his living room with the dark skyline out the windows and a fire roaring nearby.

"So, I'm really excited about these. I hope you like them." You beamed giddily as you pulled a few wrapped items from the bag you’d brought in with you.

Chris started with the longer shaped box and tore open the festive paper after untying the bow. He lifted the lid on the simple white box and his eyes widened at the gift inside.

Handmade, blown glass pilsner glasses sat nestled in a velvet cushion for safe transport.

“All the way from Prague,” you smiled as he gently picked one up out of the box. "I thought they'd go great with your tap in Boston."

“They’re fantastic!” He grinned, looking at you, “really…I love ‘em!”

"Good! I'd hoped so!"

He set the gift down on the table and grabbed the gift bag, plucking the tissue from the open top. He reached inside and pulled out a tissue wrapped gift, one of three inside. He unraveled the tissue to find a delicate glass bulb adorned with gold filigree and garnet gems.

"It's a little girly but, I don't know, I thought you'd like it for some reason."

“Errr it’s shiny, you know I love shiny stuff!”

“Yeah, should have skipped the hassle and got you a tube of aluminium foil.”

"Simple things, sweetheart, simple things."

The other two ornaments in the bag were both handmade but of paper mache and simple, both he still enjoyed.

“Okay so… my gift for you isn’t anywhere near as imaginative…”

"So, that's not the point, you meatball."

“No, I know but…” he shrugged, standing up, “wait here and prepare to be completely underwhelmed.”

You sat and waited for Chris to return. It didn't take long and when he'd shown himself, he came with a large gift bag handing it off to you.

You pulled the tissue out and peeked inside, smiling at its contents. You reached in and grabed the gift, pulling out a beautiful green house plant with wandering vines.

"I love it!" You smiled.

“Thought it might replace the one I accidentally murdered earlier this year. But in my defence, I did warn you not to leave me in charge of anything green.”

"You've done fine all this time. I seriously love it, thank you!" You reached your arm around his neck and pulled him in for a hug. "I love it because you picked it out, and I know how picky you are when it comes to plants. You take your time looking at each one and that takes thought."

“It kinda reminded me of that one that Jamie Lee had in her trailer.”

You smiled and added a wink, "Thank you." You pressed a kiss to his cheek.

“Your welcome.” His hands smoothed up your back and you let out a contented sigh.

“I really did miss you, you give the best hugs.”

"Is it stupid to say the same thing?" Chris wondered.

"What that I give great hugs?" You snorted. He looked at you with a serious glance. You shook your head 'no' .“Nah, I don’t think so.”

"Can I be honest?"

"Please..." you waited for him to continue.

"I've been thinking a lot, about how long we've known each other, how much we've worked together, it's been years now. And the one thing that keeps coming back to my mind is Costa Rica."

You stilled a little and pulled away, your eyes searching his. “And I’m assuming you mean the wrap party and not just Costa Rica in general?”

"Yeah," he whispered.

You swallowed, “why? Why now?”

"I don't know. But it's been so long and I can still remember that night in perfect clarity."

“I… erm… me too.”

"I don't know what I'm doing but, I know I want to kiss you again. If you want me you. I feel like we had a missed opportunity and I'm really interested to see where we can go. I like you, I've liked you for a while and given our lives now, I think we have the chance to try. We have the time to try."

“Is that why you sat me here?” You blinked, your voice surprisingly steady despite the blood pounding in your ear as your chest hummed with anticipation.

"No, not entirely, I mean I wanted to see my friend, but if I don't tell you before I leave, I don't know if I'd have the sac to again."

“That’s not what I meant…” You pointed upwards and watched as his eyes tracked upwards.

“Fahk, no…” he snorted as he spotted the Mistletoe. "I didn't even... fahking Scott!”

“Shame…”

His eyes flicked quickly to yours and there wasn't even a blink as he registered your 'shame' before his lips were on yours.

The kiss was soft, gentle, nothing like the urgent one you’d shared all those years ago and you couldn’t help the soft whimper that rolled in your throat.

"Tell me to stop." He pulled back breathily.

"No."

“Y/N…” his voice was practically begging.

"I want this."

His eyes searched yours, you assumed for any shred of doubt. But knew he wouldn’t find one. Your hands cupped his lightly bearded face and pulled him down to the couch cushions with you.

His nose softly bumped yours as he licked his lips. “We do this, we’re crossing that line…”

"I know," you tilted up and kissed him again pulling at the back of his sweater.

He shifted, allowing you to yank it over his head, tossing it to the floor. And then his lips were back on yours.

His lips carried over your jaw to that joint by your ear, "I'm not... We're not doing this here," he hummed against your skin, his hands wandering like the vines of the plant he gifted you.

“Oh…okay,” you stuttered a little as his lips caressed that spot on your neck that made you melt.

Shirtless, he sat back, pulling you with him. His large hands cupping your face as he kissed you until you both stood.

You didn’t want him to stop, and to your delight he didn’t. Instead, his hands slid down over the cheeks of your ass to the back of your thighs. His knees bent and quick as a flash you were in his arms, giggling against his mouth as your legs wrapped around his slim waist.

You giggled as he chuckled against your lips, carrying you down the hall towards his room. Dodger trotted along behind the two of you, only to have the door kicked closed on his sweet face.

“Poor Dodge!”

"Fahk that." His lips silenced your next quip back, tongue gliding along your bottom lip. Thick fingers pulled at your sweater hem, lifting the garment over your head.

You and Chris had shared on screen kisses before, but there was something so different and natural about the way this fit that it made your belly flip. Because for the first time you knew he wasn’t faking it, just like you hadn’t been.

It was just like Costa Rica, passionate but soft. His hands held your waist as you stepped back towards his bed, the two of you falling into the sheets.

“God, I’ve wanted this for so long,” his voice was a whisper as his hands trailed delicately up your sides, his finger tips brushing your skin.

"Don't waste anymore time then," you whispered. "We've got forever if we want it."

“There is one thing that we’re not considering,” he gently nipped at your collarbone.

"Which is?" Your own fingers curled through his hair and down his neck over his shoulders.

"Does this means I’m gonna hafta change your name in my phone from Pain In My Ass?”

You stilled, and then his laugh rang out across the room as you slapped his shoulder. In a quick move that you’d learnt when filming, your legs locked round his abs you flipped him over to his back. He grunted as you straddled his hips.

“Jerk.”

His hips tilted upward and you moaned, "you gonna let figure out what you like or are you gonna talk all night, baby?"

“You’re the one that keeps talking, Evans.”

In a flash, you were on your back again and his lips were on your skin, fingers finding their way to your slacks as his lower body bore the brunt of his weight, balancing directly over you, one hand perfectly straining to hold him still.

You raised your hips to allow him space to pull your slacks down over your hips. Without so much as a glance, he tossed them over his back, leaving you below him in nothing but your lace bra and panties.

"Fahk," he groaned, taking you in.

Your own eyes roved over his broad shoulders, his defined chest and abs. Your gaze followed that trail of hair down from his pecs, over his stomach to where it disappeared into the waistband of his jeans, just behind the buckle of his belt.

You couldn’t help but smirk at the obvious bulge at the crotch of his dark denims. Knowing you’d done that, made you feel a sense of pride.

Your fingers reached for his buckle but he was just a little out of reach, "Jesus, just, get them off."

“Impatient much?” He smirked, his hands making short work, the clanking of metal ringing in your ears as you sat up, your hand curling round the back of his neck.

"Yes, I am." You latched your lips to his and gave him a dirty tongue grind that made him moan while your free hand grabbed at his hard cock.

“Fahk,” he hissed, wriggling out of his jeans before he completely collapsed on top of you, tongue fighting yours for dominance.

Down your neck he went, nipping at your skin, laving at your collarbone before spilling your breasts out of the cups of your bra. You whimpered as his tongue danced across your nipple. He repeated the action, large hands curling round your hips as you arched your back, pushing your body further into his.

"Need you," you whined, "inside."

With a groan his lips crashed to yours in a short but bruising kiss and he pulled back, fingers curling into the lace of your underwear

A heavy breath escaped his nose as he looked at you, ready and wet. This foreplay was taking too long and the anticipation was literally making you squirm.

You could tell by the very large bulge he was sporting, and the weight of him in your palm before, that made him out to be bigger than anyone you've taken.

A split second later he was fishing in the drawer to the night stand, pulling out a foil square.

As you watched him, you took the liberty to remove your bra whilst he settled the condom over his shaft. Now completely naked, you watched in awe at the slender hips near yours, the wide shoulders and washboard abs and the tattoos, the loads and loads of tattoos that littered his skin.

His hand curled around his dick as he shuffled closer, lining himself up. Then, he took both your hands in his, twining your fingers together as he pinned them either side of your head.

A gentle tilt of his hips saw him slide into you, his eyes locked on yours as the both of you let our soft noises of satisfaction.

"Oh that's good," you bit your lip. He filled and stretched you, his body warm over yours.

“Glad you-approve.” His last word was timed with another gentle thrust forward that had your eyelids fluttering shut.

"Please don't stop... like that," you panted. "Fuck." You could feel your eyes roll behind your eyelids. It felt almost too good. You were well and ruined already.

"Baby, I don’t think I could… Stahp… if I wanted to.” His words punctuated by pants, you once more felt his lips on your neck. That beard scratched at your skin with every complimenting roll of his hips.

"Say it again," you whimpered as his pace picked up a little.

“What?” His mouth dipped into the hollow of your throat, kissed chaining up to your chin

"Baby...." you whispered.

A slow kiss cut you off, his thrusts deep as he brushed against that spot deep inside of you. Forehead pressed to yours, your noses bumped.

“Baby…” his lips hovered over your own, curling into a smirk as you let out a sinful groan. He repeated the word a few more times until you were clawing at his back with your blunt nails.

"Chris....." His name was a whimper on your lips as you drew nearer to your end. It was delicious torture, the way your body was building and teetering on the edge.

"You're close, I can feel you.”

And you were, so close, but you also didn’t want this to end. As if he could guess your thought, "cum for me, baby. I'll make you feel good again, I promise."

So you did. You let go of that last thread of self control you’d been clinging onto. Your body trembled from the tips of your toes to the crown of your hair. You squeezed around him and Chris had no control as he jutted forward a little harder than before

“God, honey, can feel you…”

"Yeah," you whimpered. "So good."

“Fahk, I’m… I'm gonna…” his words turned into a grunt as his hips turned sloppy. Burried to the hilt, he came, his face burried in the crook of your neck, his entire body growing rigid before he sighed, relaxing over you.

Breatheless and satiated, you led beneath him, thankful for the moment you'd shared.

Your hands slid up his back, one splaying between his shoulder blades, the other tangling in his hair as you let out a small hum of contentment.

"We're gonna do that again, right?" Chris asked, his breath still hot on your neck.

"I hope so."

“Good, me too.”

Neither of you knew what the future would bring, but chances are if you were given a look ahead, you'd both like what you'd see.

🎄🎄🎄🎄

Part 3: The Future

[exciting]

As requested, books / series I read in 2020 in the order I read them, with a few brief thoughts. (This took me a hot second because there are a few and also I moved cities) Should I keep a consistent goodreads? Yes I should but I didn’t think of that at the time, so bone apple teeth & sorry if I offend you abt your faves x

P.S. I can’t figure out how to do a read more on mobile so long post ahead!

A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J Maas - This is one of the most vivid published fantasy books I have ever read... I read it twice in rapid succession. The fandom POPS off. I must say I have issues with certain aspects e.g. fae lore completely ignored à la Twilight, all love interests 500+ years old and technically a different species, etc (I’m not going to deconstruct the entire series here but just know that I could... Nesta deserves better)

Cruel Prince by Holly Black - This fucking slaps, HB clearly has done her research, the lore is near immaculate, and it explores the Fae in such a unique way, tying it to the modern world subtly and seamlessly. My only qualm was that the books felt quite short; truly wish there had been more content.

Throne of Glass by Sarah J Maas (6/7) - So basically I read this in one single, hyperfixated fit which meant I literally locked myself in my room for three days straight and read all six books back to back in a row from morning to the wee hours. Which is not to say it was spectacular; although it was a VERY rich world, sometimes it was too much... this felt like 6 stories in one. Ik she was young when she wrote this but it is my humble opinion that SJM needs a better editor & I personally think Rowan is a grade A asshole / straight up abusive (& personally think the ACOTAR Tamlin plot was born from that?). It’s good but not as good as ACOTAR. Skip-read the last book. 

Grishaverse (Shadow and Bone) by Leigh Bardugo (3) - This is essential to read before SOC but was very much simply a YA fantasy book, although the world was cool and the way the love plot played out was, imo, a subtle middle finger to the fantasy trope. Felt very much aimed at younger readers though? Really liked the sandwhich structure of the Proluge and Epilogue, especially in #2

Six of Crows series by Leigh Bardugo (2) - INCREDIBLE continuation of Grishaverse, better than the original series by a mile. It has the range, the diversity, the representation (the male lead is a disabled asexual and still the most cunning of the entire cast of characters), the plot is phenomenal, and it manages such a well rounded plot in only two books which means nothing is stretched out or squeezed in more than need be. Deserves all the praise it gets.

King of Scars series by Leigh Bardugo (0.5/1) - Personally I don’t consider this book canon, and while it’s nice to see the rest of Nina’s journey & the world again & everyone else, I don't like it. I will, however, be reading book 2 when it comes out, so shame on me, I suppose.

Ninth House by Leigh Bardugo (1/1) - this was incredibly cool although it went off in a completely different direction than I thought it would based off the first few chapters? One of my favourite YA-author-debuts-New-Adult novels in 2020 though!

Crescent City by Sarah J Maas (1/1) - This was supposed to be SJM/s New Adult debut, although personally I would put her other series in New Adult, and I can’t say a remarkable amount was different with this except they said “fuck” and “ass” a lot. WHY is the romantic interest 500 years old AGAIN. I just... don’t... I just don’t think it was necessary... the world was cool though, and the last half of the book was riveting, but the beginning was quite slow and I thought the sword thing was predictable. I am interested to see where this goes though.

A Darker Shade of Magic by V.E. Schwab (3) - This world is so fucking cool... four Londons aka parallel universes & the one in ‘our’ world is set in industrial era London. Magic, girls dressing up as boys, thieves, pirates, royalty... it all just slaps. Schwab is an incredible writer & I was completely immersed.

Midnight Sun by SMeyer - I didn’t think anything could possibly detract even further from the Twilight story but I was sorely mistaken... seeing the stalking from Edward’s POV - and it was worse than depicted in Twilight, for the record - completely obliterated any sort of romance the first half of the original book may have portrayed. I still hold the opinion that the entire series would have been better if some kind of vampire lore had been abided by, if only to see all of the villains thwarted by someone dropping a bag of rice on the ground, forcing them to have to count them all.

An ember in the Ash by Sabaa Tahir  (3/4) - This was just a very stereotypical ya fantasy series, emphasis on the YOUNG... it wasn’t anything to write home about but I remember quite enjoying it at the time. 

The Power by Naomi Alderman - This book is FUCKING incredible and EXCEPTIONALLY thought provoking... essentially women alone develop a power of electric shock etc. and then take over the world from men, and it explores feminism and the balance between equality & tipping the scales in the other direction. Written by a friend of M.Atwood in a similar tone to handmaids tale, I would say? Content warning; there are some exceptionally graphic scenes in the latter half of the novel. 

Hamlet by Wllm Shksp - I can’t believe it took me this long to finally read it but Ophelia is my favourite name in the entire world & we love to see a woman go batshit (although she didn’t deserve that). 

Catherine House by Elisabeth Thomas - this was unsettling in the best sense of the word... it was a little slow & honestly more of a concept than a big reveal, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it after I finished it? A Secret History vibes but make it blurry like the memory of all those dystopian novels you read when you were young?

The Invisible Life of Addie La Rue by V.E. Schwab - This is without a doubt my book of the year, and probably the best book I read in 2020? I stayed up all night on a friend’s couch reading it, got a book hangover and reread the ending, and then thrust it upon my mother who doesn’t usually read but read this, and loved it just as much. HIGHLY recommend and you HAVE to read it, it’s beautiful and endearing and just plain wonderful.

Captive Prince by C.S. Pacat (3/3) - I went into this knowing it was going to be terrible, because I had received a blow by blow telling me as much; although I must say that it did learn a remarkable amount of new words, the books did get better as the series went on, and it did have a rather charming ending? BIG content warning for almost everything.

Sapiens by Yuval Harari - mind-expanding & must recommend for everyone, there is everything in this and I daresay everyone should posses this kind of knowledge? I listened to it as an audiobook (which I recommend because it’s rather hearty) but will be buying this in hardcopy & rereading it with annotations. 

Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller - Without a doubt, one of the most beautiful novels I have ever read, and certainly the most beautiful portrayal of the story of Achilles and the battle of Troy I have ever seen. Patroclus deserved the justice that was given to him in this book; indeed, all of the characters were written with justice and grace. Highly recommend.

Trials of Apollo by Rick Riordan (3/5) - Apollo is my favourite Greek God, and the sexiest greek god, and Rick Riordan’s writing slaps, as always. It did pain me to see Apollo, the sexy immortal, have to be forced back into a 16 year old’s body but everything else? Whimsical & wonderful, as expected. 

These Violent Delights by Chloe Gong - a retelling of Romeo and Juliette, except it’s set in Shanghai in the 1920′s, and the protagonists already have a history. Very well done, characters are incredibly diverse in race, sexual orientation, gender, and ability / disability (and honestly, representation has never appeared so effortless and elegant). Also it includes a monster and possible magic. Incredibly underrated and highly recommend.

The Once and Future Witches by Alix. E Harrow - this was such a unique concept, and truly captivating, the story was charming, and felt like the kind of beautiful fairytale you would read as children but with more grit? ABSOLUTELY recommend this one

The Pisces by Melissa Broder - I hated this so much, not my vibe at all. Mermaid smut x therapy but make it cynical and judgemental (I know there was a moral in there but that’s not my point) also the dog dies.

Library of the Unwritten by A.J. Hackwith (1/2) - really interesting & unique concept (all unwritten novels / ideas reside in a special library that is part of Hell and then sometimes the books can come to life) however, my first thought upon reading this was “this reads as if it’s stemmed from one of those writing prompt tumblr posts” bc of the tone and whatever and as it turns out I was somewhat correct, it did stem from a short story (not bad just obvious). It did kind of settle down as it went on but I found reading it kind of a drag, and I don’t think I will read the second one.

Abandon by Meg Cabot - 1. Meg Cabot’s writing always fucking slaps 2. Hades and Persephone but make it modern & very 2000′s & somehow kind of unique 3. I literally loved this, sue me

Medusa Girls (Sweet Venom) by Tera Childs - Like Percy Jackson except they are descendants of Medusa so they are Gorgons and have fangs & venom (hence the title). Gave me very 2000′s vibes? Quite cool but tbh I found the books quite short (like two hours each, if that)? Do NOT read the GoodReads description of the book before you read it, you will spoil it for yourself.

Bring me their Hearts by Sara Wolf - In my opinion, this is one of the most underrated YA series I read in 2020. The heroine is endearing, self aware, witty, and loves to look pretty even while kicking ass which in my opinion is an incredibly underrated trait. Also, immortality without being hundreds of years old? VERY sexy. HIGHLY recommend. 

A Deal with the Elf King by Elise Kova - High commendation to be given for the fact that it is a standalone and yet manages to fit in the plot of what would usually be a full fantasy trilogy without cutting corners or being a million miles long? Also sweet storyline & beautiful ending? If you liked ACOTAR you should read this as a “what would have / could have been had SJM had a different editor” (No shade I promise).

The Iron Fae by Julie Kagawa (4/4 + novellas) - Incredibly detailed faerie set around the modern world & our current use of technology & iron in it. Very neat adventure-style series, by the time I read the last novella I was well and truly done with the world (aka provided enough content to be fulfilling). Was definitely aimed at a younger audience though, NO smut / smut was brushed over.

The Modern Faerie Tales by Holly Black (3/3 SS) - This is technically the prequel to Cruel prince, set in the modern world, but with the fae world inside it as it traditional? All I have to say is that it is excellent & I highly recommend it.

Bridgerton series (The Duke and I) by Julia Quinn (9/9) - I read this after watching the Netflix show twice through and I am obsessed, although the books were not quite as elegant as the show, and some parts that made me cringe either by their portrayal (it is very firmly set in the 19th century and thus some things are not handled with tact or grace), the characters were exceptionally loveable and I am so excited to see where the show takes them! Lovely language & an abundance of words I had never seen before (always a plus). 

[crowstan]

Alright, so I actually did this last night while I was waiting for the melatonin to kick in, and I couldn’t post it because Tumblr decided that I can only post once a month on the mobile browser, so it’s honestly really late. Anyway, spoilers for My True Identity! | Sanders Sides, which is also linked because! Snazzy.

**Reminder!!** These are just my opinions and feelings, and aren’t factual at all! There are also instances of tone indicators in different spots as well, as those are something I use frequently in notes and pm’s. I also tried to keep cussing down to an absolute minimum, but in cases where I felt it was better to not change it, the words will be censored. THis is also a direct copy n paste, all i did was censor things a bit better.

-holy SH*T stuffed animals!! yes!!

-"SNOOZE!" ndhfhfjfhdhdhdh moooooood

-oh that intro title was snazzy!!

-jdjdjdj ok i was not expecting immediate noise, i shall note that next video

-jdjdjdj same man, same. sometimes you can't help but over share

-i KNEW there was theater!! yes!!

-"do i really know myself as well as i should? " uhhh, technically the self is a projection and a social construct but does anyone really? (/hj)

-got distracted because dream lover started to play from my playlist so i was kinda vibing for a bit before i continued lmao

-"hello there class!" djfhdhjf l o g a n!!! yes!! class time!! we gonna learn some mf stuffs about ourselves today!!

-in all seriousness, learning is fun unless it's about me lmaoo, I'm the only topic i hate, as much as i talk about it

-"this is my intellectual side! every fact that I've ever learned."

"believe it or not i was quite the nerd in school! "

"I'm pretty sure that's a surprise to no one" lmfaoooOOO sjjdjdjd?? that's legit hella funny ngl?? reads like the last two brain cells but one is v drunk

-djddjdj the sass. why is. roman sassy.

-also fanciful?? wow that's a word!! i like that word, imma steal it /hj

-"what's going on kiddos?" JFJFJFJRJR KIDDOS. I LOVE THAT WORD SM. Y'ALL DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE THAT WORD

-"I also represent your unabashed love of dad jokes." ??? me??? mood???

-ok ngl that kinda self aware joke??? yes. yes. y e s.

-thomas points out that most people know him from vine! this is correct he made AWESOME vines don't @ me please

-jdjdjf r o m a n. just called thomas o u t

-yes i am still aware this is all one person shhhh lemme sort the stuff n do the things n make them just slightly separate from each other

-thomas is really good with his characters and my knowledge that it's all him will not stop my awe of how well the characterization is because the instant you see each side? you can immediately tell they are carried differently than the others. that is HARD and i will appreciate that

-hfjdje WAIT THEY EACH HAVE A DIFFERENT DIALECT. THAT'S SO????? RHRHHRNRNR THAT'S HEL L A

-"Wouldn't want to be our own villain, would we?" uh, you're not supposed to do that? /j

-jdjdjdjdjd ideal. i would also like that in a person. except less cartoons n more whatever obscure video i find. did you know that an ultra shortcut works by hitting all the correct key check points in the right order, but without doing it as intended? Apparently the boundaries can overlap and the game thinks you progressed correctly! i think the coconut mall ultra shortcut is the coolest and i wish we knew more about it. this has been mini info dump with james, thank you for tuning in

-patton: asks a deep question that takes a lot of self knowledge to answer

also patton: hey, we have the same glasses!!

-why is that me at 3am

-jfjfjfjfjfjfjjf?? he mentioned we may have harder questions about ourselves like our gender or sexuality?? i funkimg STAN sm

-"where do babies come from?"

"you're a father"

"well, i know it has something to do with storks"

-GOSH i love patton!! he is my official favorite now, i don't take criticism at all on this topic

-"Am i right tony?"

"not my name"

"then what is it?" jdjfjfjdjr me after i come out as trans n ppl don't know my name

- a a a smol hamster, a tiny ladsy

-"youtubes" djdjdn sometimes i say that, huh

-DHJFJFJR GUYS GALS AND NON BINARY PALS DJFJFJFJRJRIIEIEISISJDHD!!!

-the end card with patton??? a mood. a M O O D

(written: December 1, 2020, 23:49)

[famousflowermagazine]

happy bellarke fam selfie night i was tagged by @carrieeve just to remind my mutuals  j i’m going on holiday in two weeks time on the 25th of July  so if i get tagged in anything such as selfies or in posts, just know that i’m not ignoring anyone i won’t have access to my laptop and i hardly use tumblr on ipod as i find it difficult to use on mobile i hope everyone has a good summer. i hate cults as much as the next person but i am actually excited about tonight’s episode fingers crossed that we see Bellamy this episode, i know some people want brainwashed Bellamy, but i am hoping that we don’t because that would be to much angst for my heart to handle.  the freak outs in this fandom is getting tiring we need to be patent and wait for the episode to air before jumping to conclusions.

i finally had my hair cut so my fringe is not being nuisance anymore which is a relief. 

stick to what’s being shown on screen this is the reason why i don’t listen to interviews as it ruins my excitement for the episodes. i know nothing about any spoilers and i don’t want to know so remember to be patient.

i thought this through a lot i think the writers having Bellamy in season 6 thinking Clarke is dead and season 7 having Clarke think Bellamy is dead is suppose to make us think about what jaha said to Bellamy in season 4 “you keep her centred.”  and Bellamy saying “you’ve got it backwards.” meaning that Clarke keeps him centred.) meaning that they are symbolising how they keep each other grounded and the thought of having to live in a world without the other is just too hard for them to comprehend so they take a step back from what their feeling and try to focus on what the other would want them to do.

so what i’m saying is that this is a romantic troupe that is used often in fiction for characters to realise what the other means to them having this in the last two seasons 6 and 7 makes me confident that will get a bellarke endgame.

i’m looking forward to seeing them finally admit their feelings towards one another.

the three weeks break will go quick for me i am eventually going to watch the old guard that i have seen around on tumblr it looks really good as found family is my favourite troupe immortals that will do anything for each other are the best stories in my opinion.

remember to be well and be kind

tagging the usual people @sometimesrosy    @talistheintrovert   @chase-the-windandtouch-the-sky  @johnmurphysass  @clarke-the-ferrari  @pawprinterfanfic @geekyogicheese   @natassakar   @wolfheartgirl   @hellyeahbellarkee  @biconicclarkeyg  @iishallbelieve  @shaeheda   @wankadi  @bellarkyy @yourereallyhere   @bellamysgriffinprincess  @she-who-the-river-could-not-hold  @the100epic  

[clumsyclifford]

you and i are finally gonna get it right

seems like i should post this on tumblr as well because that seems to be the thing to do so here i am, doing that :) massive overwhelming shoutouts to @ashesonthefloor​ for reading this when it was even worse than it is now & helping me with it and also @cliiffords​ for letting me talk nonstop about how horrible it is <3 (fair warning: this fic is 5k so if youre on mobile...settle in lol)

here’s an ao3 link you can use if you prefer

-

If Michael has to pioneer the movement of normalizing being tattoo-free, then so be it. He and Calum will be the frontmen. - Neither Michael nor Calum have soulmates tattoos. (Apparently.)

-

November 20th, 2013

Michael wakes up in his bed with a hangover and a tight sting on his left upper arm. Before he even opens his eyes, he cycles through all five stages of grief. He’s not sure he’s properly landed on acceptance when curiosity gets the best of him, and he looks.

To The Moon.

Oh. Wait a minute.

That’s not a soulmate tattoo. That’s a genuine, god’s-honest tattoo that he’d gotten last night. It had been a slightly drunken (okay, very wasted) decision, encouraged by Calum, but looking at it in this light, he doesn’t regret it. And — he squints. Just underneath it, approximately the dimensions of his thumb, is a string of numbers. Michael stares at 250196 for many minutes, but his hungover brain feels fuzzy and bewildered. He doesn’t remember getting that one, but it’s not a long shot to assume it had been part of last night’s shenanigans. Michael remembers him and Calum stumbling into the tattoo parlor, giggling far too loudly for a tattoo shop at 11pm. It’s not like Michael has ever planned anything in advance, ever. Get a bunch of random numbers tattooed on him; why not?

He scrambles blindly for his phone. Checks the time: 1:10 in the afternoon. Nice day of sleep, then. Pretty good start to his eighteenth birthday.

He calls Calum.

“Morning,” Calum says when he picks up. “Happy birthday.”

“Hi,” Michael says, and at that exact moment he realizes what the numbers are. “Oh my God, you’re such an arse. Did you seriously make me get your birthday tattooed on me? The night before my birthday?”

“What? No,” Calum says, but he doesn’t sound very certain.

“Well, I wouldn’t have done it on my own,” Michael says. The unspoken I wouldn’t have done it if you hadn’t asked me to floats away. “I can’t believe you. I mean, I know we were wasted, but…I can’t believe I let you convince me, honestly.”

“I didn’t!” Calum protests. “...I think. Gotta admit, I was…very drunk.”

“Me too,” Michael says mournfully. “Out of childhood with a bang.”

“I think your childhood ended long ago,” Calum says.

“Your mum’s did,” Michael says, nonsensically. “Fuck, my head hurts.”

“I thought you were getting To The Moon,” Calum says.

“I did. It’s here. And underneath it, your birthday. 250196.”

“That’s my birthday,” Calum agrees, as if Michael doesn’t know that. “Well, listen, it sounds to me like a blessing in disguise. Now I'll always be with you.”

“That's the opposite of what I want. I wish you'd leave me alone," Michael says. “I’ll get you back for this. I was already commemorating our friendship with to the moon. Why would I want your birthday on me?"

“'Cause I'm your favorite," Calum says.

Michael doesn’t answer, because it’s true enough. Not that Michael would choose to have anyone’s birthday tattooed on him, but if he had to choose, he’d choose Calum. He’ll always choose Calum.

“So,” Calum says, as if about to ask about the weather. Michael knows Calum’s nervous voice, though, and this is it. “Uh, got anything else new, then?”

Michael bites his lip. “I haven’t checked. Only just woke up.”

“Oh. That’s cool. Let me know if — when you find yours.”

“I’ll call you back,” Michael says, and hangs up. He sits in bed for too long, staring at his palms, thinking about how he doesn’t need any more tattoos. He got To The Moon, and he’s got Calum’s birthday, which, admittedly, is a weird thing for drunk Calum to convince him to get. But fair enough as a prank, he supposes; maybe he’ll make Calum get Michael’s birthday on him, as payback, on Calum’s eighteenth.

Finally, he gets out of bed and goes to the bathroom. He stares at himself in the mirror. The bathroom lights are blinding, achingly bright. The hangover is killing him. He strips down to his underwear and slowly does an inch-by-inch scan of his entire body. Three times.

There’s nothing. The knot that had built itself up in Michael’s stomach unravels, and Michael realizes he hadn’t been nervous that there wouldn’t be a soulmate tattoo; he’d been nervous that there would be.

And there’s not.

He calls Calum back.

“There’s — I don’t have one,” he says.

Calum is quiet. “What do you mean, you don’t have one? Everyone gets one.”

“Well, I haven’t,” Michael says. Hearing Calum’s voice, he can’t stop smiling.

“How is that possible?” Calum says. “Check again.”

“Calum, I checked like nine times. I haven’t got a soulmate tattoo.” He pauses. “I didn’t want one anyway.”

“You didn’t want one?”

Michael shakes his head. “Nope,” he says. “Fuck soulmates. I’ve already got you, haven’t I? It’s not like I need anyone else to cuddle or spend all my time with. They’d probably just be jealous.”

Calum laughs uneasily. “If you say so.”

“I do,” Michael says firmly. “Not everyone has a soulmate tattoo, not like anything's wrong. I don’t need some ink to tell me what’s important. I’ve got everything I need.”

“Wow,” Calum says. “Being eighteen has truly made you wise.”

“It sure has,” Michael says. “Do you wanna get Maccas and play Fifa?”

“Aren’t you supposed to be at the coffee shop?”

“Ah, Luke’ll cover me,” Michael says. He’ll do it for Luke’s birthday on the condition that Luke does it for his; that’s the agreement.

“In that case, I would love to,” Calum says.

January 25th, 2014

Michael wakes up in Calum’s bed. For one very brief, baffling second, he thinks, did Calum and I have sex?, but no, he’s fully clothed and definitely hasn’t had sex recently. So just good old-fashioned sleeping together, then. 

“Morning,” Calum says from the general direction of the doorway. Michael twists himself around and immediately regrets it; his head is pounding.

“Fuck me,” he mumbles.

“You should be so lucky,” Calum says. “Hungover?” Michael nods, squinting. Calum comes over, Tylenol in one hand and a glass of water in the other. “Me too.”

“I fucking love you,” Michael says, and downs the Tylenol and water. “Happy birthday.”

“Yeah, about that,” Calum says, crossing his arms. “I know you said you were going to get me back, but I didn’t think you meant it like this.”

“Like what?” 

Calum shakes his head. He’s got the ghost of a smile on his face, but he’s clearly trying very hard to hide it. “Mate, we have to stop drinking so much and blacking out.” 

“I dunno,” Michael says. “I kinda like the mystery. It’s like, who was that Michael? What was he thinking? I’ll never know.”

“Mike, you don't even know what you're thinking when you're sober.”

“Hey, shut up. I think at least three things a day.”

“Not including wanking.”

“...I think at least one thing a day.”

“Thought so.” Calum tugs the collar of his t-shirt down, and Michael’s breath catches when he sees Calum’s new tattoo. It says MMXII across his collarbone, in big, blocky Roman numerals. 

“Oh, it looks sick,” Michael says. 

Calum raises his eyebrows and pulls it down a little further. Michael has to squint, because he’s not wearing his glasses.

“I can’t see that,” he confesses. Calum huffs and comes closer.

201195.

“You got my birthday tattooed on you?” Michael says. Calum stares at him. Michael connects the dots. “Oh my God.  I so don’t remember last night at all. That’s incredible. I have nothing but respect for blackout-drunk Michael. He clearly knew what he was doing.”

“You know I’m going to have this forever, right?” Calum says, but despite his best efforts, he doesn’t sound mad, not even a little. “We’re both stuck with each others’ birthdays tattooed on each other forever. Because we’re drunk little shits.”

Michael shrugs. “Could be much worse,” he says. “You could’ve gotten it on your dick.”

Calum snorts.

“And, uh.” Michael swallows. “Nothing else? Apart from the two that you, like, actually went and got?”

Calum watches Michael, and Michael hates how unreadable his expression is. “Nope,” he finally says. “I checked. It’s just those.”

Michael feels badly for feeling so relieved. “I’m sorry,” he lies.

“No, I — I’m actually fine with it,” Calum says. “I mean, it’s like you said, right? Don’t need any new people in my life. I’m pretty happy where I am.” 

Michael grins at him. He hadn’t realized how scared he’d been to learn about Calum’s new soulmate until finding out that Calum doesn’t have one. Maybe it’s selfish, but Michael is selfish. He wants Calum all to himself. He doesn’t want a soulmate. He doesn’t want Calum to have one. He just wants it to be MichaelandCalum forever.

“Nice,” he says. He looks up at Calum and his smile grows. “You learned from the wisest. Well, happy birthday. What do you want to do?”

“Sleep off this hangover,” Calum says honestly. Michael spreads his arms across the bed.

“Join me,” he says. Calum rolls his eyes.

“That’s my bed, you loser.”

“So that’s a no?”

Calum climbs into the bed and curls himself into Michael’s side. “Never said that,” he mumbles. “G’night.”

It’s nearly 11am, but they both fall asleep, secure and warm. Michael feels safer than he’s ever felt.

March 8th, 2014

“I just don’t understand how you can be so relaxed about it,” Luke says, absently strumming variations on the A chord.

“It’s literally the simplest thing in the world,” Michael says. “I don’t have a soulmate tattoo. Move on.”

“Yeah, but neither you nor Calum? And you’re not, like, a little bit curious about why not?” Luke presses.

“Leave him alone, Luke,” Ashton says, twirling a drumstick. “He’s obviously soulmates with someone he hates, and he just doesn’t want to say. Probably Ben or Jack.”

Luke gags. Michael reaches for something to throw at Ashton, but all he’s got is a guitar pick, so he throws that. Ashton catches it and starts tapping the snare drum with it.

“I just don’t really care,” Michael says, in response to Luke’s question. “Like. I don’t know. I don’t feel like having anyone else in my life would make it better at this point. I’ve got Cal, and I’ve got you guys — the band — and my family…” He shrugs. It makes undeniable sense to him; he’s happy where he is. If it ain’t broke, right?

Luke sighs. “I could never be like that. I’d be dying to know who my soulmate is.”

“Yeah, because you’re clingy as hell.”

“Oh, that’s rich coming from you.”

“I’m not clingy!”

“I’ll just ask Calum when he gets here, then,” Luke says.

“Okay, fine. I’m a little clingy, but so are you,” Michael says. “At least I’m not harping on not having a soulmate tattoo. You haven’t even got yours yet and you’re obsessed with it.”

Luke sticks his tongue out. “I’m allowed to be curious,” he says. “Ash, aren’t you curious whose yours is?”

Ashton jolts when Luke addresses him. The pick drops from his hand onto the batter head of the snare. “Um, I dunno. Yeah. But, like, whoever it is, I’ll find them in due course. Might not even have gotten their tattoo yet, so I’m trying to take it easy, not worry.”

Michael casts a strange sideways glance at Ashton, who’s bouncing his leg up and down. Nervous. He looks at Luke, then looks back at Ashton.

“Wonder what yours will be,” Luke says, leaning over his guitar and twisting his fingers. “Like, what matches the moon?”

“The sun?” Ashton offers. “The tide?”

Luke nods like he’s deep in thought. “Sun would be nice,” he mumbles, as if talking to himself.

Michael wishes Calum were here. If Luke isn’t Ashton’s soulmate, he’s quitting the band and the coffee shop and taking Cal with him.

July 23rd, 2014 - 12:16 a.m.

“Hello?”

“Mike.” It’s Luke. He sounds nervous. No, he sounds scared. Michael can deal with nervous Luke while playing Portal, but not scared Luke. He pauses the game. Chats from Calum appear on the screen, but he ignores them for the moment.

“Hey,” he says gently. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Luke says, which is clearly a lie. “I’m just — it’s my eighteenth.”

“Oh, holy shit,” Michael says. Obviously he’d known that, and had remembered up until about two hours ago, when he’d started playing Portal with Calum and all thoughts had exited his mind. “Did you get your tattoo? Do you have one?” 

“Yeah,” Luke says. “It’s, uh. It’s the sun.”

“The sun?” Michael repeats. “That’s a bit random.”

“Yeah, but,” Luke says, sounding desperate, “it’s the sun right on my forearm — looks exactly like —”

Oh. Michael knows. “Oh,” he says softly. “Holy fuck.”

“It can’t be him, right?” Luke says. “Like. There’s no way. The odds…”

“Well, that’s sort of the point of soulmates, isn’t it?” Michael points out. “Like, yeah, in a normal situation it would be a crazy coincidence, but soulmates aren’t supposed to be normal situations.”

Luke is silent for a long time. 

“Luke?” Michael prompts after the quiet gets unbearable. “Do you want it to be him?”

“Yes,” Luke says, in the smallest voice ever. “So badly.”

Michael can’t help it; his heart skips a beat, and it’s not even his own love story. “Well, if you want it to be Ash and you’ve already got the sun where he’s got the moon, that sure does sound like it’s him.”

Luke exhales so hard it crackles on the phone. “No way.”

“If it helps,” Michael says, “I’m pretty sure Ashton’s been hoping you’re his soulmate since he met you.”

“You’re just saying that,” Luke says, but Michael’s not; he’s not blind. He can see the way Ashton looks at Luke like he’s a fucking planet, and Ashton’s content to just orbit. He’s heard some of the stuff Ashton writes and never presents to the band as a whole. If Michael had a nickel for every time Ashton mentioned blond hair and blue eyes in his lyrics, he’d have enough money to kick Ashton from the band and hire a better drummer who wasn’t constantly pining after their lead singer. He’d have enough money to quit the coffee shop and take Calum from the record shop and skip town completely.

“Call him,” Michael advises. “And leave me alone so I can finish playing Portal with Calum.”

“You could’ve done that while talking to me,” Luke says.

“And yet I paused it, just to take your call, because I’m just that nice and lovable,” Michael says. “Now fuck off.”

“Not so nice and lovable now,” Luke mutters.

 Michael hangs up on him and unpauses the game.

 January, 2015

Michael hasn’t done the research.

He doesn’t care. Or he does his level best pretending he doesn’t care. For a little while between his eighteenth birthday and Calum’s, he’d mostly been lying when he’d told people he didn’t care, but as soon as Calum had turned eighteen with no soulmate tattoo in sight, Michael had realized he actually doesn’t care.

And he doesn’t want to know what it means, not to have a soulmate tattoo. If Michael has to pioneer the movement of normalizing being tattoo-free, then so be it. He and Calum will be the frontmen. Besides, it’s not like anyone needs to know. It’s not like anyone should care.

Some people do care, though. Some people are invasive coffee shop customers who think they have the right to ask after Michael’s soulmate tattoo like it’s the sort of casual conversation you instigate while ordering a vanilla latte. Some people are wrong.

“Oh, I like your tattoo,” is what this woman says. She looks to be middle-aged, or maybe mid-sixties, and she’s talking about To The Moon, Michael reckons. Then the lady says: “Is it your soulmate one?”

Michael bites back a rude comment. “No,” he says.

“What’s your soulmate one look like?” the lady asks. Like she would have any right to know if Michael had one. Michael hates his day job. 

He glances over at Luke, who’s halfway through making the latte, and grimaces, a desperate plea to be rescued from this conversation. He should have just lied and said To The Moon was his soulmate tattoo. But he’s sick of talking about it at all. And who’s this lady anyway, thinking she can just march in here, order a coffee, and then ask Michael about his soulmate tattoo like they’re acquainted?

Luke steps over. “Hi, ma’am, sorry, Mike’s much better with vanilla lattes than I am, you’ll want him on that,” he says. That’s a straight lie, but Michael gratefully slides away and goes to finish the latte. “Was there something else we can get for you?”

“Oh, I just wondered about your soulmate tattoos,” the woman says. “It’s just been a long time since I’ve seen people who have them so fresh, and — oh, I don’t know. I wondered.”

“Well, I can tell you I’ve got mine,” Luke says, and proudly displays the sun tattoo on his forearm. “My soulmate and I are together going on six months.”

“How lovely!” the lady squeals. “The sun, that’s beautiful. What does she have?”

“He,” Luke corrects uncomfortably, “has the moon.”

Michael tunes them out and finishes the latte. He puts less vanilla than he should, but the woman deserves something a little more bitter. Maybe it’ll wake her from whatever dreamland she’s in where nosy questions about personal topics are considered fair game.

~

At least Calum lets him complain. Michael’s been bitching about the old lady for about twenty minutes, but Calum, ever the patient and loyal best friend, has let him carry on.

“I just don’t get why everyone is so obsessed with knowing,” Michael finishes, and sighs deeply, feeling the weight lift from his chest. “God, I’m tired.”

“You just talked for nearly half an hour,” Calum points out.

“And I could go longer!” Michael says. “I’m irritated, Cal. Maybe I’ll ask the manager to blacklist her from the store.”

“Complaining will get you nowhere,” Calum reminds him. “And it sounds like she wasn’t trying to be invasive. Old people are just like that.”

“But she was,” Michael whines. He falls finally onto the couch, where Calum has sat watching him pace since he got home, and cuddles into Calum’s side. “See if I make her coffee again. I’ll throw a diva fit.”

“You do that every day, anyway. You threw a diva fit when I asked if your shampoo was two-in-one shampoo and conditioner.”

“Because who uses two-in-one, Cal? Animals, that’s who.”

“See? Diva.”

“Well, if she comes back, I’ll just bitch at her about shampoo and conditioner until she gives up and goes someplace else.”

“Just pretend you’ve become violently ill,” Calum suggests. “Or that you’ve gotten a very urgent call.”

“I’m awful at pretending I have calls,” Michael says. Calum starts carding through Michael’s hair. Michael knows it’s a trick to calm him down, and he hates that it’s working. Calum’s gentle, methodical gestures are soothing.

“Then just text me, and I’ll ring you, and I’ll make up a horrible emergency,” Calum says.

Michael sighs. “That’s why you’re my favorite, Cal.”

Calum brings his free hand up to pat Michael’s cheek. His hand is warm and soft and the touch feels familiar. “No problem. It’s what I’m here for.”

“To get me out of talking to annoying customers?”

Calum leans his head on Michael’s and presses a light kiss to his head. “Yup.”

“Can’t wait for our band to be famous so I can quit,” Michael mumbles. Calum laughs.

Michael closes his eyes. Calum is safe and comfortable, and it’s been a long day. He falls asleep, breathing in sync with the rise and fall of Calum’s chest.

four years and three albums later

It’s been a surprisingly long time since Michael’s been back down this street, since he’s seen this strip mall. Touring practically non-stop will do that to a person. Almost every shop he remembers being here has been replaced. Michael wishes Calum were here to do this walk with him, but Calum is a little bitch who’s been dragged into the studio for writing. Michael’s weaseled his way out of it. He loves to write, but he can do it outside of a studio, and he’s really not in the mood, today.

He wanders down the strip mall, listening to Good Charlotte to truly get himself back in his old emo mindset. Almost this entire strip mall is unfamiliar to him, except one store. Michael stops in front of it, scoffs, laughs, and walks in, tugging his headphones off his head.

The guy at the counter seems to recognize him. “Hey, it’s you!” he says enthusiastically, with a heavy Irish accent.

Michael grins, confused. “Me,” he says, as if that will clear anything up.

“Oh, sorry,” the tattoo artist says. “I just — I did your tattoo back in, what was it, 2014? And your mate’s as well.”

“Calum?” Michael asks. The guy snaps his fingers.

“That’s him. I keep seeing you guys on the TV now,” the guy says. Michael feels badly for not knowing his name. “Seems like you’ve made quite a name for yourself, eh? I always want to brag, you know, ‘I did his first tattoo.’ But I don’t name-drop. Feels cheap.”

“You can name-drop,” Michael says, thrilled that his name is even the kind of name anyone could name-drop. “I’m surprised you remember us coming here, that was a while ago. I’m really sorry, I don’t think I got your name…?”

The guy laughs. “Makes sense, you were pissed off your arses both times. I’m Niall.”

“Michael,” Michael says. “Although I reckon you know that.”

Niall nods. “I’m not likely to forget the times you came in anytime soon,” he adds. “First time I ever saw soulmate tattoos appear while I was in the middle of giving someone a tattoo.”

Michael’s heart stops.

“What?” he says, dimly.

Niall, unaware that he’s just said something groundbreaking and totally insane, carries on. “Oh, you know, the numbers. Birthdays, I think you said they were. You got his and he got yours, right? They just showed up, smack at midnight. Both times. Never seen it happen before.”

Michael can’t breathe.

“I,” he says, but fails to find words enough to finish that sentence.

“How’s the one I gave you holding up?” Niall continues. “I could take a look, if you like.”

“No,” Michael says. He feels dizzy. “Sorry, I…I actually have to run, I forgot — I’ve got to…” He shakes his head. “The birthday tattoo I have, I…I thought that came from here. I thought you did that.”

Niall frowns. “No, mate. That one just appeared. For your pal, as well. I was in the middle of doing the numerals when your birthday just, bam. Threw me for a loop.”

Michael trips backwards and steadies himself. “Okay,” he says, although he feels like he’s suffocating. “Well, um, I better run to my thing that I have — see you. Thanks.”

He all but races out of the tattoo parlor and doesn’t stop until he’s away from the strip mall. Then he leans against a stop sign.

Okay. This isn’t possible. It’s been — it’s been, what, three? Four years? Michael’s never had a soulmate. He’s okay with that. He’s never wanted one. He’s always been just fine, just him and Calum, and neither of them having — 

Michael blinks and thinks about what Niall has said.

“Holy fuck,” he murmurs. He yanks his sleeve up and looks at his tattoo of Calum’s birthday again.  “Holy shit.”

He pushes himself to his feet and starts purposefully making his way to his parents’ house, shooting off a text as he does:

michael: come to mine after studio. wanna talk to you

~

Calum has a key, so he lets himself in.

“Hey, Mikey,” he says. “What’s up?”

Michael has been playing guitar for the past two hours, or trying to, but his hands are still shaking too much. He sets it aside when Calum comes in.

“How was the studio?” Michael asks nonchalantly, like this is a normal day, and everything is fine.

Calum frowns. “You’re acting weird. You only texted me once. What’s going on?”

“Texting you once isn’t weird,” Michael says.

“Michael, have you met you? I’ve received one-word answers from you in more than one text.” Calum crosses his arms. “Why are you being weird?”

“We’re soulmates,” Michael blurts out.

Calum raises his eyebrows. “That’s impossible, given neither of us have soulmate tattoos, Mike.”

“Really? How’d you get my birthday on you, then?” Michael challenges.

“From when we got drunk on my eighteenth, you idiot, same as how you got mine on you.”

“Yeah? Cal, do you actually remember getting that tattoo? Hell, did we pay for these ones?” He stands up finally and shifts on his feet. “You asked to get 2012. Do you remember that?”

“Obviously, yes.”

“And do you remember asking to get my birthday?”

Calum stares at him. “No,” he finally says.

“I think we’ve been colossally idiotic,” Michael says. “I never asked to get your birthday tattooed on me. We were just too drunk to remember.”

“Oh my God,” Calum says. “Holy shit.” And then he laughs, like it’s funny.

“Don’t laugh,” Michael says. “This isn’t funny, it’s absolutely mad.”

“Yes,” Calum agrees, still smiling. “Absolutely fucking insane. We are the dumbest people on the entire planet. I’m in love with you, Michael.”

Michael’s heart stops beating. “What?”

“I’m not sure I knew,” Calum says. “But I definitely am. I — it’s only you for me. You’re it. I didn’t want any other soulmate.”

“Me neither,” Michael breathes. “You’re it for me.” His face feels hot. “Oh, holy shit. I’m in love with you.”

“Welcome to the party,” Calum says.

Michael’s run out of things to say, so he kisses Calum.

It doesn’t feel like the huge revelation Michael might have expected. It just feels…right. In fact, it feels obvious. Like for years he’s been working to solve a math problem, and now he’s finally realized it’d been exactly what he’d thought. It’s Calum. Of course it’s Calum. Who else could it have been? Who else could it ever possibly be? Everything he’s ever felt about Calum has been love, even when it had been anger or hurt or confusion. He loves Calum, is in love with Calum, and always has been.

Calum doesn’t hesitate to kiss Michael back, cupping Michael’s jaw as if anchoring him to the kiss. He tilts his head, fixing the angle, and they fit so perfectly that Michael wonders why they’ve never thought to do this before. He tugs on the front of Calum’s t-shirt, pulling him closer, and wraps his arms around Calum’s waist, and it feels so natural, and so easy, to just kiss Calum like it’s what he was made to do. Calum licks at Michael’s lower lip and Michael’s intoxicated by the way it feels, Calum’s tongue in his mouth, Calum’s hands threaded in his hair, Calum under his palms, Calum, Calum, Calum. He makes a noise that’s half-groan and half-sigh, and feels Calum smiling against his lips. He pulls away. Michael feels dizzy.

“Fuck,” he whispers. “I really like kissing you.”

“Good, ‘cause there’s going to be a lot more of it,” Calum says.

Michael leans his forehead against Calum’s. “You taste of Vegemite.”

“There were snacks at the studio,” Calum says.

“Did you save me any?”

“Any Vegemite chocolate scrolls?” Calum leans back and raises his eyebrows. “Dream on.”

“That’s rude,” Michael complains. “I’m not sure I’m in love with you anymore. We should break up.”

“We’re not even really dating,” Calum says.

Michael blanches. “Oh. Right. Cal, d’you wanna be my boyfriend?”

“Not if you’re just going to break up with me straight away.” He sticks his tongue out. Michael wants to kiss him again, but he’s still recovering from the first.

“To be honest,” Michael says, “our tattoos are pretty shit compared to Luke and Ashton. They get the sun and the moon, and we just get a bunch of numbers? Birthdays? How uncreative do you get?”

“You’re going to challenge the ineffable power of soulmate tattoos because you think ours aren’t creative?” 

“I’m just saying, it might have been nice to get something a little cooler or more symbolic.”

“I don’t know,” Calum says. “I like having your birthday. It makes me feel like you’ve been important to me since birth. And like I’ve always got a piece of you with me. The sun could be anyone, but this day is yours.”

“And Joe Biden’s,” Michael says.

“God, you ruin every moment, don’t you?”

“I share a birthday with Joe Biden!” Calum glares at him. “Okay, yes, that was really cheesy and adorable,” Michael concedes. “I like your birthday on me, as well. For the same reason.”

Calum grins. “For real, Mikey. Can we, like. Do this?” He gestures between the two of them, as if whatever this is will become automatically clear. Michael’s not sure what it is, or what it even should be. They’re best friends turned soulmates turned…what? “Be boyfriends and all?”

Oh. Well. That’s simple enough. “Yeah,” Michael says. “I’m not marrying you until I get a prenup, though. Gotta have that money.”

“God, can I break up with you yet?” Calum mutters.

“Nope, there’s a five minute wait time, and I just broke up with you like one minute ago.”

“We weren’t dating when you broke up with me then, though.”

“Well, I still did it, so you have to wait.”

“Fine,” Calum says. “I have an idea for what we can do in the meantime.”

It’s a pretty good idea, Michael decides when Calum kisses him for the second time. “Could kiss you forever,” he mumbles against Calum’s lips.

“Not if I break up with you,” Calum says. Michael pulls away, appalled.

“Oh my God, now you ruined the moment! You’re such a hypocrite!”

Calum doesn’t stop laughing for awhile, but it’s fine. Calum’s laugh is Michael’s favorite sound.

[lightanddarklove]

Connverse Week Day 2: Singing

Singing while Sloshed

Rated: Teen  | Tw: Drinking/ Drunkenness

Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe | Connie Maheswaran & Steven Universe Read on Archive of Our Own | Day 1 prompt |  Day 3 Prompt | Day 4 prompt  | Day 5 prompt |  Day 6 Prompt | Day 7 prompt | My Writing Masterpost

This is obscenely long for what was supposed to be a drabble so I'm just going to link @susoftjockau, they’re incredibly wholesome and cute.

Edit: I may have gotten a few things wrong because I posted at 3 am, & this is an unbeta’d work. Also, being that I am not affiliated with the SJ AU, I don’t know if Fiona’s personality at all fits within its standard. If there’s another cheerleader character that her actions would make more sense for, I can totally change it. Its Connverse focused after all.

The first song Steven's riffing on is "It's Only Love" (though you may know it as Michelle) by The Beatles. The second song is "Love Like You," Steven Universe's extended credits theme.

I am continuing this for thursday’s prompt, together, as I orginally wanted them to have a conversation in the morning but at 3 am I had to call this done. I wrote over 4k words in one day that I was off from work and I can’t be doing that again, or staying up later, haha.

Lastly, the idea that Steven only likes sweet alcoholic bevs is hardwired into me, as someone who hates beer and wine, I think he wouldn't like them either. I mean he doesn't like energy drinks for stars sake (he makes a face when drinking one in Kevin Party), what about beer would be appealing when he can have wine coolers and ciders?

Anyway, feedback makes me smile, even if you tell me about typos or that I could be doing something better. Please let me know of I neglected any tags I should mention. Thanks for reading!

Edit 2: Tumblr mobile ate this post so when I got back home and tried to fix i the format didn’t have my readmore, so if you reblog it won’t be as much of a wall of text anymore. Sorry!

A night at a party for College-age Steven and Connie results in one too strong drink, a clumsy walk home, and embracing each other through the tears. Hurt-Comfort in the Soft Jock AU. Established relationship, but no significant physical intimacy. Rated T for drinking and one use of mild language. Some depression talk and self esteem issues too. Teen.

Steven had been sitting at a table, enjoying the music and sipping a soda in a red plastic cup until all that was left was ice. He was waiting for Connie to finish her conversation with Natalie across the room. He bobbed his head lightly to the music playing from the speaker by the doorway. He was smiling at Connie until Fiona came to sit down in front of him. He sat up a bit straighter and looked at her.

“Hey Fiona,” he said.

“You sticking around, Universe? Or you itching to get out of here,” asked Fiona.

“I wouldn’t say I’m itching to get out of here,” he replied. “But Connie and I were looking to leave soon.”

“Do you want another drink before you go?”

“Well, I did already have 2 wine coolers earlier, so I think I’m done for the night.”

“Really,” she asked. “I mean, how long ago was that? Like 10?”

“10:30,” he replied. “But I have to get home soon, anyway.”

“That was almost 2 hours ago.” She said. “You can have another drink. I’ll be right back, wait here. You like soda and orange flavor, right?” She began to stand and he tried to wave her back.

“Don’t trouble yourself for me, Fiona.”

“If you like soda and fruit juices, you’ll like it. You can barely taste the alcohol, the way I make it. Don’t go anywhere, I’ll make one for each of us.”

“Well, ok.”

She disappeared into the kitchen, just past the speakers. He tapped his foot and glanced back to Connie, who had leaned into Natalie as their conversation continued. Natalie had on a wry expression as she finished telling Connie something, and Connie threw her head back and laughed. It was nice to see Connie be more comfortable with herself after a few years in college. To see her laughing at a party and not have himself be the cause of it was a good feeling. Steven can’t help but feel his chest swell with pride. He smiled at her but didn’t try to get her attention yet.

With a clink, a glass was set down in front of him, Fiona sliding in from his peripherals. The drink didn’t look bubbly, a brown-orange tone with a few ice cubes and a lemon wedge hung over its rim. The glass looked like a juice glass, not designed to hold over 10 ounces, and it wasn’t full, so he assumed it was about a 6 to 8 oz drink. Fiona had her glass in her hand as she sat next to Steven with smirk.

“Ready to try something new, Steven?” Fiona asked. “Take a sip without the lemon first, then squirt it if you want it more sour.” She raised her glass, waiting to have him give her a cheers with his.

He lifted the drink and clinked hers, quietly saying “Cheers,” before bringing it to his lips. Sweet and sour was the first flavor he noted, and then mostly orange, with some cola blending in and a minor alcoholic tang. He was pretty sure the base of the liquor was tequila, but there were other flavors he couldn’t identify, since he was pretty new to trying drinks. He nodded and smiled after the first sip. “It’s good.”

“You like?” Fiona replied, voice coy.

“Yeah,” he said, and with two gulps his drink was almost gone. She snorted, seeing how quick he had downed the cocktail. He gasped quietly, the burn in his throat stronger than the flavors had made it out to be.

“Careful there, Universe, or you’ll be on the floor,” Fiona remarked. “You aren’t a lightweight, are you?”

“Its fine,” he replied, downing the last sip. His eyes drifted back to Connie who was quickly approaching from across the room, brows knitted in concern, and Natalie behind her. He moved to stand from the stool and stumbled slightly, not expecting to be feeling the alcohol so quickly. Connie moved her arms to steady him.

“You ok?” she asked, eyeing him over. Steven gave a dopey smile and leaned on her slightly.

“Heeeeeyyyy Connieeee,” his voice turning sultry and mellow. His lowered pitch sent a chill up her spine, but she pushed the feeling that thrilled her down and rounded on Fiona, glaring.

“What did you give him?” Connie barked.

“It looked like a Long Island Iced Tea,” Natalie said from behind Connie.

“I call it…” Fiona replied, pausing for effect and waving her half-finished drink in one hand, “a Strong Island Iced Tea. It’s got more tequila and sours than the standard.”

“A Long Island Iced Tea,” Connie half-shouted, exasperated. “Are you kidding me, Fiona? That has 5 kinds of alcohol in it!”

“Whoa,” Steven remarked quietly but with his lowered tone it made Connie feel warm in the pit of her stomach. “I didn’t know that. You’re so smart, Connie.” Her cheeks burned with blush as he said it with such adoration.

“He’s hammered,” Natalie crooned, half-way hiding a chuckle, before straightening up and gesturing her hand out. “Gimmie his keys. He shouldn’t be driving anywhere tonight.”

“I’m not hammered, jus’ a lil’ tipsy.” He slurred. He swayed slightly as Connie fished through his Jacket pocket. “Gimme an hour and I’ll be fiinnneee.”

“Definitely not,” she replied firmly, but not harshly. She handed Natalie Steven’s car keys. “You can stay with me tonight, ok? Sleepover?” He gasped with excitement.

“Sleepover!” he warbled hazily. “With Connie. You’re so sweet.” Her face felt hotter, as she gripped his hand in hers.

“Thanks for this, Fiona,” Connie said, voice dripping with sarcasm. “See you later.” Fiona grinned and waved.

“Don’t dare take advantage of him,” Natalie called, starting to walk back toward the party-goers. “I’ll find out. And make sure he hydrates.” She took out her phone and sent a group text to Steven and Connie, I have your keys, come get them after you’ve slept it off.

“I got this,” Connie replied, exasperation clear in her tone. She looked back in his face at his reddening eyes and put on a plating smile, trying to speak more kindly. “Let’s go get some rest, ok? You look tired.”

“You’re the best, Connie.” He said, glowing with inebriation. She began to lead him out when he started to serenade her, causing her mild blush to spread to her ears, face beet red. The tune was recognizable, a reworked Beatles cover.

“Connie, my sweet

You have made my heart feel joy complete

My Connie.”

“He doesn’t normally do this in front of others,” she called, voice slightly shaken with embarrassment to the partygoers as she led him through the entryway. “Please ignore us and have a good night.” They passed through the main doorway of the off campus housing as he continued his song.

“Connie, my sweet

Sont les mots qui vont tres bien ensemble

Tres bien ensemble”

His French pronunciation was faltering. She knew he was at an intermediate Italian level. But in trying to speak French, it sounded like he had tried Duolingo for an hour and was making a fool of himself pretending he had been doing it his whole life. He pitched forward again and she had to nearly dive to keep him upright. She hoisted as much of his broad shoulders and chest over her smaller frame without attempting to carry him outright as he sang sweetly in her ear, legs stumbling behind her.

“I love you, I love you, I love you

That's all I want to say

Until I find a way

I will say the only words I know that you'll understand”

She lead him on sidewalks, trying to take the most direct route to her dorm and avoiding uneven surfaces as best she could. Her blush had died down, mainly because other people weren’t watching them. The way his warm frame leaned against her dragging the thrilling feeling out of her again, making her heart pound firmly against her ribs. Still, she tried to keep focus and lead them out of the chill night air as quick as she could.

“Sont les mots qui vont tres bien ensemble

Tres bien ensemble

I need to, I need to, I need to

I need to make you see

Oh, what you mean to me

Until I do, I'm hoping you will know what I mean

I love you”

“You’re so sappy,” Connie replied, voice quiet. “I know that you would do his sober, but I just wish this kind of thing was just for the two of us, you know?”

“I want you, I want you, I want you

I think you know by now

I'll get to you somehow

Until I do, I'm telling you so you'll understand”

She leaned against him as she held his hand outside of her dorm, fumbling with her keys as she kept her left hand gripped tight to his right.

“Connie, my sweet

Sont les mots qui vont tres bien ensemble

Tres bien ensemble

And I will say the only words I know that you'll understand

My Connie.”

He faltered a bit as they came through the doorway, smacking his left arm just above his wrist as she lead him upstairs to her room. Connie winced at the sound. She was grateful her roommate Carly was out of town for the evening. She still probably will hear about it, the rumor mill ran strong on this campus, but at least Connie was spared from more embarrassment this evening.

“You done now?” she asked. She sat him down on the bed and dug through her closet for his spare pair of sweatpants she kept there.

“Uh-huh,” Steven replied, voice thick and alluring. “Thanks for takin’ me back, Strawberry, I know you always lookin’ out for me. I’m lucky I have someone like you. Love you.”

She shivered at the praise, avoiding his eyes as she set the pants down on a clean patch of floor.

“You need to drink some water and take some aspirin before bed.” Connie ordered. “Stay put, I’m going to get both of those things.” She pulled her own pajamas from the corner of the bed and closed the bathroom door behind her. She grabbed the aspirin bottle from the cabinet and set it on the counter. Glancing back to ensure that the door was fully closed, she peeled her outfit off quickly and tugged her PJs on. Grabbing her hairbrush and two pills from the bottle of medicine, she backed outside. Steven still sat on the bed, swaying lazily.

“Hiiii Connnniiieeee.” His voice had drawn back up to its usual tenor as he greeted him. She smiled.

“Hi Steven, stay here for a minute, ok?” She replied. “I’m going to the kitchen, and I want you to wait because I don’t want to risk you falling on the stairs.” She placed the brush on the pants she had set out and kept the pills clutched to her palm by her ring and pinky finger.

“Yooooouuuu got it!” He gave a thumbs up.

She darted out of the room after he confirmed he would stay, and hurried down the stairs. She pulled 2 water bottles from the fridge, both eco-friendly bottles that she and Steven had shared before. After grabbing clean reusable straws from the drying rack to put in the bottles, she marched back upstairs. She left her door open and found Steven had taken his shoes and jacket off in the time she was gone. He laid on his stomach, feet crossed and head propped up on his arms across her bed diagonally.

“You’re cute in your PJs, Connie.” He caught her off guard with that compliment. But she crossed the room anyway and sat next to his head. Despite how lucid he sounded, it was best he got some water in him before going to sleep.

“Thanks, but can you sit up for me? I have some medicine I need to give you and then I’ll brush your hair.”

“Yay! Sleepover activities!” He propped himself up onto his elbows and stuck his tongue out, leaning his head back for the aspirins. She was glad he trusted her this much, but it was a bit worrying that he was so lax. She hoped he would always keep himself safe as he dropped the two pills into his open mouth and pressed the straw of the bottle to his tongue. He leaned on one hand as he took the bottle from her in the other, sipping the water through the straw. If he was always this trusting while drunk, someone could take advantage of him, and that thought scared her. She wanted to think about anything else, so she gently took his curls in her hand and gave them a gentle stroke. A chill went along his back and shoulders and he made a little excited noise.

“I want to brush your hair,” she offered. “Can I take your hair tie out?”

“Mmm-hmm,” his response came around the straw. With a gentle tug the hair tie was out and his curls came loose, framing his maturing face. She stood, watching him as she moved toward the brush on the floor. He finished his sip and let out a contented sigh. “I hope I haven’ been too much trouble, Berry.”

“What?” she asked as she got the brush and came back to sit next to him.

“I’m all loopy, an’ you’ve been takin’ care of me.” His response was quiet but mostly coherent.

“I know you would do the same for me, drunk, sick or whatever, Biscuit,” she replied. “I’m not upset that you need help. It’s ok to ask. Now I’m gonna ask that you sit in front of me so I can brush your hair.”

“Kaaay.” He called, setting the water down on her end table. She gasped as he suddenly rolled off the bed and landed on his left forearm and knees, not reacting quite fast enough to catch himself with his hands. It was still impressive he hadn’t fallen onto his face.

“Steven-“Connie scolded.

“Huh?” he sat up and scooted his back up against her knees.

“Don’t be so careless,” she replied. “You scared me. And drink your water, please.”

“I can do that,” he said. He leaned over to grab the bottle and then rested his head touching her knees. She flipped his hair up onto her thighs, accessing the ends and began brushing. He hummed contentedly. “You’re great, Connie. I’m glad that this all didn’ go badly.” Her brows furrowed with concern as she worked through his tangles. “Was scared, ya know? If you weren’ keeping me calm, I might’ve been the angry drunk type, an’ made a mess of things.”

“I-“ Connie felt her hands shake slightly as she tried to muster a response. “That could happen to anybody, you shouldn’t worry too much…”

“Buh my powers, if ‘m not careful, I could hurt somebody, then I’d get expelled, or arrested, fer sure.” She gripped the brush tightly and accidentally pulled back on a knot. He hissed quietly through his teeth and she dropped the brush. His shoulders trembled slightly and she heard a sniff. She dropped down onto her knees, hugging him from behind.

“No Steven,” she replied, her voice thick with emotion. “I know you wouldn’t intentionally hurt anyone.” He sniffed again, putting his water down and scrubbed at his face.

“Turns out… I’m actually a sad drunk,” he joked, and turned to face her. Her eyes were shining with unshed tears and he gasped. “Oh nooooo… now I’ve made you sad. I’m sorry. ‘m so sorry. So so sorry.” He turned around fully, kneeling and held her tight to his chest. Fat tears dripped down his cheeks. She clutched to his shirt, resting her head on his shoulder and let her own tears fall.

“You don’t- you shouldn’t feel like it’s- it isn’t your fault,” she stuttered.

“I made you cr-cry,” He bawled. “I’m always hurting people, even wh-when I don’t meeean to.” She took a steadying breath, trying to defuse his turbulent emotions.

“You’re allowed to forgive yourself, Steven,” she replied, looking up. Her eyes still shone with wetness, staring into his face as he looked away.

“I- I- embar- rrassed you, I made you cryyyy, and- nd I burdened you with my prob-blems,” he hiccupped. “I shouldn’ be here- I need to-“He moved to stand but Connie held tight.

“No.” she ordered. “You should stay. You’re upset and you’re allowed to be. You can talk to me about anything. Please don’t go. I’ll worry if you leave.”

“B-B-but…”

“Please,” she repeated.

That was convincing enough. He wilted into her touch, resting his head on her shoulder. Any sign of resistance melted away into fatigue. A few trace sobs shook his frame before they quieted. She kept one hand on his shoulder and grabbed Steven’s water with the other. She pulled away long enough to press the drink into his hands. He nodded, sitting down fully and drinking quietly. She sat in front of him and ran one hand through his hair, and gave him gentle strokes on his upper arm with her opposite arm.

“You look like you’re stewing.” She remarked gently. “Having a few drinks doesn’t make you a bad person. Asking for help doesn’t either. I’ll gladly have a few embarrassing stories about me if it means you get to go home safe tomorrow. Letting you leave by yourself and get hurt would have been far worse than anything else that could have gone wrong. You deserve to be safe, ok?” He nodded meekly, finishing the drink with a loud slurp. “You aren’t asking too much to be here. You don’t deserve to feel like a burden, and no one I know would ever say that about you.” He quietly leaned forward, dropping the empty bottle to the space between his thighs and went to press his forehead to hers. She obliged him.

“Thank you,” he half-whispered.

“Now, are you steady enough to stand, or will you need help getting changed?” she leaned over to where the sweatpants she had put out for him earlier sat and pulled herself close to him after grabbing them. He opened his palms to her and let her place them in his hands.

“I think I got it.” His face was tinged with blush at the suggestion. He pressed his right palm to the floor, moving to stand. She pulled herself to her feet first and offered him a hand up. He threw his pants over his shoulder and took his hand. She smiled gently at him. He fondly returned the gesture, steadily making his way to the bathroom door.

“Oh wait, I just want to grab something out of there,” she called, hurriedly stepping in front of him. She snatched the aspirin off the counter and put it away, grabbing makeup wipes and a compact mirror from her medicine cabinet. She stepped out, gesturing behind her. “It’s all yours. Please be careful, maybe sit on the toilet to get changed? I don’t want you to fall.”

With a sigh he nodded. He stepped through the doorway and closed it behind him. She leaned against the wall next to the door and took a make-up wipe out, swiping her mascara streaked eyes before opening the compact. As she worked the wipe across her face she herd Steven’s gentle singing come through the door, just over the sounds of him changing.

“If I could begin to be

Half of what you think of me

I could do about anything

I could even learn how to love

When I see the way you act

Wondering when I'm coming back

I could do about anything

I could even learn how to love like you”

She recognized the song as being something he had said the gems had sung for him when he was young. It stung that he might think these kind of thoughts about himself. She swallowed hard.

“Love like you

I always thought I might be bad

Now I'm sure that it's true

'cause I think you're so good

And I'm nothing like you”

“Steven, I promise that isn’t true…” She called through the wall. She heard him stand and move toward the door.

“Look at you go

I just adore you

I wish that I knew

What makes you think I'm so special…”

She stood as the door opened and embraced him. He leaned forward into her and sang quietly into her neck. She held him close and rubbed soothing circles into his shoulders. He swayed gently into her touch as he crooned.

“If I could begin to do

Something that does right by you

I would do about anything

I would even learn how to love

When I see the way you look

Shaken by how long it took

I could do about anything

I could even learn how to love like you

Love like you

Love me like you…”

They stood in silence for a moment and just enjoyed being held by each other. After a bit, she lowered her hand and took him by the wrist, leading him to the bed. After he sat, she took her garbage and placed it near the head of the bead and cleared her night stand.

“You’re going to be on the outside of the bed tonight.” She remarked quietly. “I’m the big spoon this time. Just let me know if you start to feel sick. I don’t care if I’m sleeping, I will hold your hair back.” He nodded. “How do you feel right now?”

“Not great, but, better than before,” he muttered.

“Well, I’m going to try and make it better. Lie down, ok?”

“Mmm-hmm.” He obliged without protest. She grabbed the comforter, tucked him in and crossed the room, shutting the light off. She stepped over him and lied down by his left shoulder. She untucked that side of the bed to get herself firmly snuggled into the weighted blanket, and nimbly re-tucked them both in.

“Night, biscuit.” She murmured. “Love you.”

“Love you too.” He replied. “Night.” He turned to face away, pointing his face toward the trash bin in case his stomach lurched in protest while sleeping. She rubbed few more gentle circles into his back and let herself be comforted with his warmth beside him. He heard her breathing even out before long, hoping that sleep would come easier with her beside him. It wasn’t long before the heaviness in his heart was outweighed by heavy eyelids, and drifted into slumber.

------------

Morning came, as it always did, a bit too soon for Connie’s liking. She gave a quiet sigh through her nose and lifted her head to check on Steven, who she could hear was snoring quietly. He had turned in the night to lie on his back, and his calf draped over her lower legs. His expression looked peaceful, but dark circles still showed on the pale skin beneath his eyes. Craning her neck, she could see the bathroom had looked as she had left it, as did the trash bin. It was unlikely seeing these two things in place that he had gotten sick in the night and not woken her.

She laid back down, pressing her face into the soft skin of his upper arm. He smiled contentedly but stayed asleep. It was a Sunday, so no pressing commitments for either of them. She could let him rest and deadlines for Monday be damned. She draped her arm across his torso, and let herself melt into the bed. She told him he deserved to be safe, and she never felt safer than with her next to him. Hopefully, the reverse was true, and she could help him to feel safe and loved. For now, what he needed was sleep, and she wouldn’t deny him that peace. He gave her joy and that was precious to her. So she would help however she could, and that meant staying in bed. She would take it any day.

[blurry-fics]

Chapter Five

Prove Me Wrong | Series Masterlist

Warnings: Profanity, minor sibling disagreement

Word Count: 1924

Author’s Note: Hey! I’m going to be at the beach today and I hate answering comments/asks on mobile, so if it takes me longer than usual to answer your comments, that’s why! Also The Hype music video? Loved it. Anyway, in the meantime, I hope you enjoy the chapter :)

You were going to do it. Finally. It was something you should have done a long time ago.

You were going to talk to a boy. One that wasn’t Tyler, to be exact. And it was going to be fine. Better than fine, even. It might actually be fun.

There were a couple empty seats towards the front of the lecture hall, so you dropped your stuff onto one of the tables and called it good. You were close enough to see the slides without being so close that you felt like the entire class could see your laptop screen.

A boy sat down next to you a few minutes before class started. His light hair was sticking out from beneath his black beanie and his cheeks had turned a light shade of pink from the cold outside. The glasses he was wearing had slipped down his nose, but he was quick to fix them once he had sorted out all his stuff. He was cute, you had to admit.

But he wasn’t Tyler.

“Um, hi,” you said, hoping your voice was loud enough to catch his attention.

“Hi.” His eyebrows furrowed for a moment, but relaxed again.

You completely blanked on something to say. If you were being honest, you hadn’t really expected yourself to get this far.

“I know it’s late in the term, but I figured I would introduce myself,” you smiled. “I’m Y/N.”

“Charlie,” he said, returning your smile. “Nice to meet you.”

“You too.”

“So, what’s your major?”

“Psychology. What about you?”

“History.”

“That’s really cool.”

“Most of the time,” he smiled. He had a nice smile. “Other times, you end up learning about ancient laws for a week straight.”

“Oh yeah, that doesn’t sound like a whole lot of fun.”

“Not at all. But psychology, that seems cool!”

He grabbed his laptop from his bag and set it on the table that you two were sharing. It was covered in tons of stickers, some of which were for bands that you also happened to like. Your plan was already turning out a lot better than you had expected it to.

“Your stickers are awesome!” you grinned. “Where did you get them?”

“My sister actually works for a print shop downtown, so she brings them to me every now and again. I could probably snag you a couple, if you wanted them?”

“Definitely.”

Charlie was about to say something else when the professor grabbed everyone’s attention. He made a face at you before opening up a document to take notes on, prompting you to do the same.

Yeah, this had been a good idea.

*     *     *

“Car! I’m home!” you called.

“I’m in the den!”

You kicked your shoes off by the door and ran up the stairs, taking them two at a time. Sure enough, Carter was sitting on the couch playing video games yet again.

“Do you ever move?” you laughed as you joined him.

“Only when I have to go to work or someone made food.”

“You’re a real piece of work, you know that?”

“So I’ve been told.”

You dug your laptop out of your bag and grabbed your psychology textbook. As tempting as playing video games with Carter was, you knew there were more pressing things that needed to be attended to.

“How was school?” he asked.

“Fine. I talked to a cute boy in my history class today.”

“Oh, did Tyler enroll in school again?”

“Hey!” you said, lobbing a pencil at him. “Shut up.”

“Sorry. So you talked to this new guy?”

“Yeah, and he seemed really cool. His laptop was covered in stickers.”

“Oh wow! Stickers!” Carter said sarcastically.

“And he gave me his number.”

“You should have led with that. A number is way more exciting than stickers.”

“I guess.”

“Alright, what’s the catch?”

“What do you mean?”

Carter paused his game so that he could shoot you a look, “Come on, Y/N. You haven’t spent the last ten minutes absolutely swooning over him which means that something is stopping you from falling head over heels for this dude. Does he talk too much? Are his pants too short? Hit me with it.”

Sometimes you hated that he knew you so well. Still, you decided to lie.

“There’s no catch. I just barely know him.”

“There is too a catch.”

“Is not.”

“Is too!”

“Is not!”

“Y/N, you’re a terrible liar.”

“Fine. Maybe there is.”

Carter sighed, “Just tell me.”

“Well, I mean, he’s not-”

“Tyler,” you finished in unison.

“Yeah,” you muttered.

“Are you really still on that, Y/N?”

“Man, if only I had a dollar for every time I heard that.”

“It’s a serious question.”

“Yes, I’m still ‘on that’,” you said, doing air quotes.

“Why?”

“What do you mean why, Car? It’s not like I can help it.”

“Y/N, you’ve liked him for - what - five years now? Surely something could have been done to help lessen those feelings a bit.”

You chewed on the edge of your lip. Carter was usually super understanding and helpful, but apparently today he just felt like being an asshole. In that case, you decided to deal him a taste of his own medicine.

“Is that why you’re still moping over Marenna breaking up with you six months ago?” you muttered.

“Hey! That’s different. Marenna and I dated for five and a half years. You know, as in actually dating?”

“But it’s been six months, Car,” you mocked his tone. “Don’t you think something could have been done to help lessen those feelings a bit?”

“God, Y/N, we’re not talking about that right now!”

“Are you actually going to listen to what I have to say, then?”

“Yes, fine,” Carter said, but he had gone back to playing his video games already.

“It’s just,” you paused as you tried to think of what you actually wanted to say. “Tyler is one of a kind, you know? Nobody has ever quite understood me the way that he does.”

“Have you ever even given someone else a chance to understand you like he does?”

“Well-”

“Because I would argue that I understand you almost as well as Tyler does.”

“Yeah, but you’re my brother. That doesn’t really count.”

“Sure it does. Plenty of my friends don’t know shit about their siblings.”

“I guess you’re just special, bud,” you said, lightly poking Carter with your foot.

“Get your gross sock away from me,” he laughed, giving your leg a light shove. “The point that I’m trying to make here is that other people can learn to understand you, you just have to give them a chance.”

“I’m going to try. Trust me, I’m just as tired of dealing with these feelings for Tyler as you are with hearing about them.”

“Are you going to actually make an effort with this Charlie guy?”

“Maybe.”

Carter turned to look at you, “I think you should.”

“And I think you should try to win Marenna over again.”

“I’m trying, Y/N. I really am.”

“Why did you break up again?”

“It was dumb,” he sighed. “I just bottled up a lot of my feelings again and then it all came out during a stupid argument. I should have just talked to her when the issue first popped up.”

“Yeah, you’re not very good about that.”

“Thanks for the reminder.”

“Anytime, bud.”

Carter shook his head and immediately let out a string of curses as someone killed him yet again. You tried not to laugh too hard at his over-the-top reaction, knowing that it would only piss him off more.

“Hey, Car?” you said.

“What?”

“Thanks for talking with me. It actually helped me a lot.”

“I may not be good at dealing with my own feelings,” he smiled, “but I sure as hell am good at dealing with other people’s.”

“Ok, moment is gone,” you laughed.

*     *     *

You grabbed your phone from the bathroom counter and slowly shuffled towards your room. The night was still young, but you were tired and looking forward to spending the next couple hours in bed and enjoying your freedom. Charlie had texted you about an hour ago, and the two of you had shared some nice conversation in the time since.

Charlie: I’m actually from Washington, but Ohio had a better history program than any of the schools in my area. Are you from around here?

Although you were enjoying talking with Charlie, you couldn’t help but feel that conversation was a little boring. Sure, you had only started talking today so you still had to get through all of the introductory questions, but even his answers were bland. Tyler always had such interesting answers to even the most basic of questions.

Tyler. It seemed that despite your best efforts, he had still found his way into your thoughts again.

Y/N: Yeah, I am! My dad works for a big company downtown so I’ve always lived in or around Columbus. My mom is also from around here so there was really never any reason for us to move since my family is close.

You sent the text and tossed your phone down on your bed while you waited for a response. In the meantime, you decided to go on Tumblr and see what new stuff had been posted since you last checked in. There were a few good posts that you decided to reblog, but you didn’t get far before your phone vibrated with a notification.

Charlie: That’s super cool! Ohio is a pretty cool place, from what I’ve seen so far. I’m definitely thinking about staying here over the summer just to see what it’s like!

You groaned and fell back onto your pillows. Charlie was really nice, from what you could tell, but he also had the tendency to make things all about him. It felt like you could barely get a word in about yourself before he switched it back to him.

Y/N: Columbus during the summer is the best! I would totally live here, if you get the chance. There’s a ton of cool things to do that you don’t really get an opportunity to during the colder months.

Fed up with the one-sided conversation, you decided to text someone that you knew wouldn’t let you down. This also just so happened to be the same person that you were supposed to be getting over your feelings for.

Y/N: Bored out of my mind. Entertain me!

Your phone vibrated hardly a minute later, making your stomach fill with butterflies. To your disappointment, it was only another text from Charlie.

Charlie: What kind of stuff happens? I’m always down for new adventures!

“Oh, Charlie,” you sighed. “If only there was some way for you to find out what kind of summer activities Columbus has!”

You set your phone on your stomach and stared up at the ceiling, just waiting for the moment that Tyler would text you back. He was usually pretty good about responding in a timely manner.

Sure enough, your phone vibrated a short time later.

Tyler: Want to hear about this prank I’m pulling on Josh?

Y/N: Obviously! :P

Tyler’s single text had already made you smile more than any of Charlie’s poor attempts at flirting with you. There just wasn’t a competition between the two of them: Tyler won by a landslide. You bit down on your lip as you read Tyler’s text, detailing his plan to prank Josh.

So much for your attempt to get over him.

*     *     *     *     *

Taglist

@faceofcontvsions @ohprettyweeper​ @spookyjiimfanfiction @addictoftwentyone @svintsandghosts @gaiatheroyalrabbit @iamnotawasteofspace @patdsinner33 @merandlune @addictwithaheavydirtycheetah @schrodingersjustine @ccfffee @frappeitea @gayy-pilotss @coolcxt @donttellaweirdweakling @a-stumpsexuals-world @5secondsofmoxley @breadbinishigh @sinfulmango

[goodnightkisseu]

Ong Seongwu - Resentment [Part 2]

Requested By: anonny​ (“ hi! could i please request an enemies to lovers scenario with seongwoo? i would really appreciate it, thank you!!<3 ”)

Genre: Angst, Enemies to Lovers

Word Count: 3511

Note: And here’s Part 2 to Resentment! Was anyone else ready for them to make up after that first part, because after writing it, I desperately wanted them to be happy ;; This part is a bit longer, but hopefully it’s okay. I hope you all enjoy it, and as always, feel free to let me know what you think! ^^

Enjoy~

Because of the situation with tumblr links, please check my bio for links to my masterlist~

- ashley <3

Though you had initially wished for the two months to end as quickly as possible, now that they were just about up, you wanted quite the opposite. This place had become a haven for you, very different from your regular office, and you weren't quite ready to leave this workspace yet. Honestly, when you first arrived, you thought that you were going to be miserable. You were sure that, much like your other office, people here would also flock to Seongwu, due to his outgoing personality and looks. You thought they would ignore.

But they didn't. On your first day there, they were equally excited to have both of you there. They told you about how their last tools programmer had left them in a bit of a lurch, and they were glad that your team's project was far enough along that they could borrow you both for a bit. They walked you through what they needed, and you were to work with Seongwu on a plan of how best to tackle it all before the end of two months. And, even though Seongwu was there with you the whole time, they never treated you differently. This was how you thought that work was supposed to be, and you were glad this place lived up to that.

Speaking of Seongwu, being around him on the daily, even living with him, hadn't been that bad. It was actually quite bearable. Of course, at first, the two of you had danced around each other, trying not to step on the other's toes with your new living arrangement. The company put you up in a small apartment complex near the work site. This made it easy to walk to and from work, saving you both the awkward car rides. It was quaint, the only downside was that the small studio apartment lacked room for two beds further than three feet apart. This always put the two of you near one another. It took some time to adjust to having another person in your living space. Small things like nightly routines and morning routines had been a bit rough at first. But after the first week, you both learned how to steer clear of each other. Hell, you even went so far as to leave for the office at different times.

Yet, some time in the middle of your second week rooming together, things began to change. It had started when Seongwu asked if you wanted to go and get coffee with him before heading off to work. You were exhausted and needed your coffee that day to keep yourself going, so you didn't decline his offer. And that was how you started spending more time with him. You would go to get coffee together on most days. Coffee became lunch, and soon, you were even spending your evenings at home together. No longer did you ignore each other, typing away on your laptops. You'd plan dinners together, catch up on shows that you both watched.

Though you had been apprehensive at first, thinking that he was just doing this to get more dirt on you, you soon realized it wasn't the case. He actually wanted your company. Slowly, you learned more about Seongwu, though not to the point of knowing his entire life story. You did learn of his hobbies though, what he did on weekends. He learned the same about you. Within a couple of weeks, you were speaking comfortably with each other, something that never would have happened at your office back home. You would ask each other for advice, for suggestions, and having this newfound comradery with him was something you didn't want to leave behind.

The frequency in which you spoke of Seongwu to Jongin didn't go unnoticed. The male had teased you that your crush was back in full swing, and you had vehemently denied it... at first. Yet, as he started to pick out how this was the age-old, 'falling in love with your enemy' trope, you had a hard time believing that it wasn't true. You had found Seongwu handsome from the beginning. Even when he had been picking on you, you tried to find the good in him. Now that he was so kind to you, you felt those feelings come back. However, you knew that a change like this wasn't enough to really show he was different. And... well, he was out of your league. Girls like Yena were more his speed.

On a whim, you tried to drop some hints here and there to gauge his interest towards you. He seemed to humor you, but it wasn't anything out of the ordinary. You felt like that was all there was to say on the matter. You may have liked him, but there didn't seem to be any signals on his end.

Still, this didn't stop you from noticing things about him, from falling for him more. You found his little quirks cute. Like the way, he would furiously blink when he was confused or trying to focus on something. Or the way his tongue would slip past his lips when he was buried in concentration. The way he'd smile at you when you came back with his mid-day coffee. They were little things, and as a girl that lived mostly through dramas and manga, they made your heart flutter.

On your last day, the office threw a party for the two of you. They wanted to send you off with a massive celebration... as well as an excuse to drink. The party had started off at the office but moved to a nearby restaurant when the team got hungry and needed something to eat. You were seated across from Seongwu, who was having a great time chatting with your coworkers. You did much the same, your eyes making contact periodically with Seongwu. And halfway through the night, with more than enough alcohol in you, you realized something. When the two of you left in the morning, when you headed back to your actual jobs, the chances of Seongwu treating you as an equal... felt low. Once he was in a place where people loved him, respected him more than you, he'd probably just go back to treating you terribly.

The thought was fleeting, but it had always been in the back of your mind, now only brought to the forefront thanks to some alcohol. You knew that a significant change like the one between the two of you wasn't meant to last, but you also didn't want to think that Seongwu was putting on an act either.  Still, even in telling yourself that, you started to doubt this friendship you had with him. It made you uneasy that night, and you had never wanted sleep to last for longer than you did that night.

The pair of you woke up at a decent hour the next morning, though alcohol and a slight hangover definitely made mobilizing stressful that morning. You were now in the car, on your way back, but Seongwu couldn't quite shake how eerily quiet you had been. You had been pretty open with him during your time together. You even went so far as to read to him memes or stupid little posts you found online. But on your way home from the party last night, you had been a bit closed off. He figured that you were just a bit too tipsy, leading to the lack of conversation, but now that the only thing that filled the void between you was the music from his playlist, he knew something was up. At first, Seongwu wanted to give you time, time to open up to him yourself, but the silence was excruciating, so he spoke first.

"So, are you going to tell me what's wrong, or do I have to weasel it out of you?" Seongwu stated, eyes momentarily looking at you while the two of you sat at a red light. Your body stiffened slightly, surprised by his sudden declaration. In the time that you had spent together, he had learned to read you like an open book, and it was now clear as day to him that something was indeed wrong.

"N-nothing-" you started, but when you saw the pointed look he gave you, you knew that Seongwu didn't believe you. Were you that easy to decipher now? You knew that you had significantly let your guard down around him, but did he know that much already? And if he did, was there any point in hiding it? Probably not. "You... you're going to find it silly..."

"Why don't you try me. We've lived together for two months now. I think I know when something is silly versus when it's a real concern to you. I promise, I won't make fun of you," Seongwu vowed, giving you a smile in hopes that you would reveal to him what was bothering you. His eyes were back on the road as he drove, but you knew he was listening, and gently you bit your lip.

For a moment, you had considered lying to Seongwu, saying that there was something up in your friendship with Jongin, but you had a feeling he would see right through that. Seongwu was extremely smart, his outward appearance aside. He would see right through it. And part of you thought, maybe if you told him what bothered you, if you were honest, perhaps the two of you could officially clear the air. Maybe you were worrying about nothing after all.

"Are we... are we going to go back to the way things were when we return to work?" you asked quietly, eyes trained on your lap. Though you wanted to clear everything up, you couldn't bring yourself to look at him.

"What do you mean?" he inquired, confusion evident in his voice.

"Seongwu, you've been extremely kind to me throughout this entire trip. We got to know each other, we spent a lot of time together. But, even I know that people's relationships don't change this quickly," you started, finding it within yourself to explain the situation fully. "We're adults after all. We can't just go from hating each other to being the best of friends in only two months. I couldn't really be a person that you would be interested in being around for the long term. You can tell me that, you know. I'll understand."

Seongwu refrained from showing any type of emotion on his face. But it wasn't because he felt like he was caught in an act. But instead, he felt guilty. He had a feeling that you might have thought he had ill intentions this entire time. He supposed it was the time that he was straight with you as well. "Can I be honest with you?" he asked.

"I've got nowhere to go, Seongwu. I'm stuck in this car with you for the next five hours. If you've got something to say, this may be the best time to do so." Your words came off as a joke, but you weren't wrong. Where could you go?

The smallest smile formed on Seongwu's lips, knowing that he now had the floor, and he had to do his best to be clear, concise, and not screw this up. "When I first heard from my lead that my transfer was going through, I was beyond excited. I liked my team a lot, and they were amicable people, but many of them were set in their ways. Even if there were a solution for what they were working on, they would often choose the traditional way, the long form of doing it to ensure accuracy. This isn't bad as long as time allows for it, but it didn't leave me with much of a job. I wasn't innovative. Conversely, I had heard of some of the innovative techniques that you were applying in your project, and since it was fairly new, I thought it could be a place for me to also make my mark, do something I would be proud of."

"I had asked a lot of people on my team about you, people that had worked with you in the past, and they couldn't stop singing their praises about how kind and fair you were. And after I met you, you definitely lived up to those expectations," he said with a chuckle. "You were knowledgable in the few times we talked, and I was looking forward to working with you. However, I was overeager to show the team what I could do, and I was also overeager to fit in."

Seongwu let out a gentle sigh before he continued. "I spent a lot of time talking to some of the people that had some pull, and they really liked my ideas. I was excited, but when I heard them talk about how you hadn't started implementing these things, listening to them wonder what you were working on instead, it struck a chord with me. I thought it didn't sound right, but the more they spoke about it, the more I believed it. I didn't know about the social climate of the team. I didn't realize that everyone, though they worked well together, was also rather cliquey."

"When those teammates spoke badly of you, I took it to be a known fact. I didn't think it was just because they were upset with you for not going out with them. Or that they had said all of those terrible things to you. So I took on teasing you like they teased you, thinking that it was familiar. I didn't know about those other things. I should have known my words were too much, but I got to the point where I couldn't stop. We became hostile towards each other, and I didn't mean for that to happen," he admitted, seemingly uncomfortable now.

"So, when we were supposed to work together off-site, I couldn't help but be a bit worried. What if you didn't pull your weight? Or what if we didn't give a good impression because we were too busy arguing? But then, I saw you working with everyone. I saw you doing your job in the ways that everyone said you hadn't demonstrated. The more I saw this side of you, the more I realized I was wrongly informed. I treated you poorly when I should have reassessed our situation at our office. So I made an effort to make it up to you while we were here. I know it doesn't make up for all of that time I was an ass to you. I know I'm a jerk, but I do want to work with you. Though, after hearing this, you probably just think I'm crazy," he said with a dry chuckle.

Your brain did its best to follow Seongwu's thinking. He was definitely in the wrong, in your opinion, but you also knew where he was coming from. Your team did have a lot of cliques. Everyone was often fighting for the limited hiring resources, and that didn't necessarily mean everyone was your friend, unfortunately. Seongwu had tried to navigate that social climate in the best way he could. He chose the simplest route so you couldn't blame him. It did hurt to know that they thought those things of you, and that, for a bit, so did Seongwu. "I don't think you're crazy. I understand what you were thinking..."

"You know you can just call me an asshole, right? I know you've done so before. I've heard you," he teased gently. "Truly though, I am sorry for the way I treated you. It was wrong of me."

"I don't think you deserve that in this case," you told him. "I do accept your apology to a degree, but it's a lot to take in at once."

"And I understand that. So it's okay if you end up not accepting my apology at all after you work through all of the information I just told you. But, there's also a bit more..."

"There's more? Seongwu, if you keep spilling your guts to me like this, I think we'll need an official counseling session," you shot back, hearing him chuckle. You knew that he was glad that you could still make a joke after all of that. He knew you were trying.

"I like you."

"I know. You've been trying to make up for all of that these last two months. We can't be instant friends or something, but we can try working it out."

"No, I actually like you. As in I have feelings for you. I realized I did when I got upset by how much you were talking to Jongin during our off-site work. I got jealous," Seongwu confessed. "Look, don't make this awkward okay. I know you feel the same. I got the hints... I just, I didn't know how you'd react after finding out why I've been treating you so terribly..."

So your hints weren't ignored after all. "You're the one that made it awkward confessing to me like this, Seongwu. I don't think I know how to respond to that right now."

"And you don't have to. I wanted you to know because I wanted to be honest with you about everything that's been going on between us. Even if I'm not smooth about it. Even if it is awkward, I just needed you to know. Take some time to think about it, alright? You don't need to make up your mind right now," he reassured you. He saw you gently nod as the conversation slowly came to an end...

========

"So, I noticed that some of your old friends don't stop by anymore," you pointed out as you finished typing up one of your task summaries before closing it out. "Not only that, but Yena has been coming to me for all of her tools questions. What did you do, Ong Seongwu?" you teased turning around in your chair to look at the male next to you.

He chuckled, the action as attractive as ever, as he looked up from his own keyboard. "Honestly, I think part of the problem is that I started dating you five months ago, but I wouldn't say that too loudly. Some people might think that I'm calling them out," he replied, getting one of your smaller plushies lightly thrown at his arm.

After that car ride back, where the two of you had thrown everything out in the open, things had gotten a bit awkward. Seongwu continued to be kind towards you, much to the confusion of all of his friends, and you were just... uneasy. There was suddenly a lot of attention to you, and you weren't sure if you liked that.

There was one thing that you both noticed when you got back, however. You missed each other's company. You had spent so much time together for those two months you were away, to suddenly not be stuck to each other, to not be living together, it felt weird. You were the first one to bring this up with Seongwu, and though you thought that he might reject the idea of hanging out again, he didn't. The more time you spent together, the more apparent that it became that it was more than just each other's company that you enjoyed. And though it was awkward, as everything between the two of you seemed to be, you started dating.

"Don't blame this on me, mister. You brought this on yourself," you retorted.

"Maybe I did. But you know what I know is your fault?" Seongwu asked, watching as you gave him a quizzical look. Your boyfriend leaned down and dramatically pointed to the top of his head. "The bump that I got when you threw that plushie at my head the first time. It was there for days! I accept apologies in the form of kisses, by the way."

You scoffed. "First of all, that was almost eight months ago. Second of all, it was a plushie, you silly man. It isn't going to leave a mark. And if I'm to be honest, you deserved it back then!"

Seongwu lifted his head, the most massive pout forming on his lips. "I did not deserve it!"

"You did! Do I have to remind you how much of an ass you were?"

"You don't! I made up for that. Now kiss me and apologize for this!"

"I will not!"

The pout on Seongwu's lips only threatened to grow as he looked at you, knowing that you couldn't resist his puppy dog eyes. But when it seemed like it wasn't going to work, he was about to protest, only to have you lean in and give him a quick peck on the lips, leaving him speechless. Your relationship wasn't like the ones that came out of the dramas you watched or the manga you read, but in a way, you found the person that was best suited for you...

[thetrashywritingwitch]

UHHH OK SO i think i know why some are saying this feels like a cliffhanger??

The request I did last night on Bakugo finding out his s/o used to be a villain

...on mobile, the ask isn’t showing up correctly and cutting off the ending for some reason?! no wonder it didn’t get that many notes, i only now just noticed it’s like, half the length it’s supposed to be

it shows up correctly on desktop, so not sure how to fix this mobile issue and i know tumblr @staff won’t do anything to fix this when they’ve basically ruined the site already

sorry! i don’t know how to get it to show up correctly, if the last bit you can read on mobile is “They haven’t found me, but they could be searching, who knows.” then that isn’t the end and it’s cut off

Imma put the whole thing under the cut in this post just in case and see if that works

The secret haunted you in your dreams at night, mulling around you head like a rolling ball on a sloped hill: never still, never resting. He didn’t know you then - no one did, really. You made no connections to others in order to protect your safety, because your boss was often fickle about who might get hurt. “A casualty or two comes with the job,” he’d mutter.

You never killed anyone yourself, but you watched others in the group maim and injure without remorse. A teenager at the time you had nowhere else to go, didn’t realize what you were into until it was too late to slink back out. Several years of villainous work - work you grew to hate, grew to regret - passed by until you felt confident in your abilities to safety remove yourself from the organization without being followed or caught.

Since you never gave them your real name, a new one wasn’t needed, but you were careful; being a villain taught you caution over everything. You moved far away so you hopefully wouldn’t be tracked by your old group. You changed your hair color and avoided being caught on camera when reporters fled to an area. Your old gang observed your lackluster performance as time wore on, so maybe a lack of caring - they never cared about you in the first place, only about what you could offer to the group - so maybe you were safe, maybe you could move forward, do some good.

That’s when Bakugo Katsuki fell into your life. Or maybe you fell into each other, who knows? A blur, a dramatic shift from the old and familiar into something new and far more enjoyable…something happy.

The problem that ate at you, gripped you with fear, gave you anxiety of the unknown…was that he had no idea of your past as a villain. He was a Pro Hero, he fought people like you for a living. Once he was even on the trail of your boss, temper angry and explosive as he chased you all down, but by some miracle everyone managed to avoid capture. If things panned out different, you could be in jail, and your boyfriend would be the one who might’ve put you there.

What if he left you if you told him the truth? What if he hated you? What if-

“Hey, pay attention.” A gruff, familiar voice snapped you out of dangerous hypotheticals. “What’s rolling around in that head of yours where it looks like you’re starin’ into a black hole?”

You rolled your chopsticks over a lump of sticky rice before answering. “I have to tell you something.” The lump in your throat felt like a coarse rock as Bakugo stilled on the other side of the table.

“Spit it out, then.” Despite his dislike for beating around the bush, you could tell his shoulders were tense at the sudden change in atmosphere.

You swallowed, unsure of how to broach the topic now that you couldn’t go back. Did you just come out and say it? Ease into it? Would he start yelling?

A snap of his fingers brought you back to attention once again. “Hey, just say it!”

“Katsuki I used to be a villain!” The words spilled out, and immediately you clamped a hand over your mouth in mild horror. His crimson eyes went wide, and for once he remained silent when he normally always held a quip on the tip of his tongue. “I…it was a long time ago, before we met. I’m sorry! I’m sorry for keeping it from you, I was ashamed and wanted to leave that shitty time behind and move forward and forget…but I can’t forget. It gives me nightmares. I can’t keep the secret anymore.” You felt cold and your hands were shaking and you could feel tears gathering at the edge of your vision. “Katsuki, say something. Please”

His silence, rare and often ominous, seemed just as terrifying as his explosions in that moment. “A…villain?” Words slow and carefully picked, he continued. “Before we met…who were they? Have they ever been caught?”

You told him the name of the group, the names of all the members, and where the organization worked. “I know you remember. You chased us once. I was stupid, young, didn’t have anywhere else to go…but I hated it. Once the opportunity came up, I ran and never looked back. They haven’t found me, but they could be searching, who knows.”

You looked up from the wood grain of your table to see those familiar red eyes staring back at you, studying you, judging whether or not you were telling the truth when normally he took you at your word without question. His knee bobbed up and down under the table, the vibrations hitting the balls of your feet. “I…I understand if you’re mad, or if you want me to go-”

“For someone so fuckin’ smart you say the dumbest shit sometimes.” He stood up from his chair, walked around the table, and stood right next to you before bending down to your level and looking right into your eyes. “I can sniff out a villain a mile away, and you’re no villain…except that one time you put hair dye in my conditioner-”

“Oh my god you used mine on accident when will you let that go?!” He was really joking at a time like this? “So…so you believe me? You don’t hate me?”

“If you were lyin’ I’d know. And you’re with me, and I don’t date villains. Got it?” His expression was sure, steady, grounded. You nodded, wiping away tears that still threatened to spill over. “Good,” he said before stealing the last piece of beef from your plate and stuffing it into his mouth. “Also, you get to clean up since I cooked.”

That life, the life of villainy and violence, remained behind you. Now, surrounded by your own personal hero? Things couldn’t be better.

[mx-metronome]

Say, remember when I posted Thorton and I said I also planned on including a short essay about my art and true satisfaction? Well I have a few hours to kill before bed, so here is that essay. (Read More doesn’t work on mobile, I am so sorry)

I’ll start with establishing that everyone has that art. That one medium that really makes them happy, that sincerely drives them to improve if for no other reason than to learn and delve deep into their craft. Music, painting, knitting, it doesn’t matter.

Some pursue an art for the sake of wanting to impress others, then get frustrated when it doesn’t come easy. For them, practice is painful, and no enjoyment comes of it. It feels like a chore to them. But once they find that art, they stop caring about recognition, and they stop attaching their self worth to how skilled they are in that art.

My art is cross stitch. It has been for nearly a decade. Through all my years of high school, I desperately wanted to be good at something so that other people would like me. I wanted to define myself as an individual for everyone to see. Then one fateful day in April 2010, I picked up cross stitch, but not for any of the reasons above: I started because I felt it was something that I would truly enjoy. I always fancied pixel art, and I wanted to do something with my hands instead of a computer screen, so it felt natural to pick it up.

Right away, my life improved. I forgot about most of my social insecurities, and my self esteem began to climb. I started off small, with little pixel arts like Pokémon and Mario characters. The projects got bigger over time, but not big enough that I felt overwhelmed. I had a small part time job my senior year, and it paid well; I took all that money I made and immediately blew it on more supplies. Slowly, my collection of fabric, floss, and needles grew. My patterns started to as well, as I was itching to extend my skill as far as I could imagine. For the first six years, everything was fantastic.

Somewhere down the line, things changed. As I graduated college and my mental state worsened, I took steps backward back into my high school years when I was so concerned about what others thought of me. My projects got so absurdly large that it took so much energy to finish them, but I worked so hard to impress people.

At first, it worked: Barista Klug (2017) is a perfect example of this. Going into this doozy of a project, my heart was in the right place for the first three months, but as winter turned to late spring, my depression symptoms became severe. There were a handful of days where I couldn’t even move from my bed, the first days of their kind. My passion was dying, and it was frustrating to me. Cross stitch slowly ceased to be fun.

I saw him to his completion, but I was coping with a lot of stress at the time, so he didn’t feel as satisfying to finish as I had imagined. After I posted him on tumblr, and he didn’t get the notes on here that I felt reflected my efforts, things only got worse. I continued to start new, overambitious projects in an attempt to get people to notice me; I felt like a little fame and recognition would help me feel not so alone. But of the four or five massive projects I have started since, none of them have even come close to getting done.

Over the next year, the stitching just...stopped. I started a few more projects, sincerely believing a few times that my stitch itch had come back, but it never lasted long enough. I wasn’t doing anything with my hands, nothing was keeping my mind at bay. One particular day in 2017 stands out to me as the worst depression day ever, but the entirety of 2018 was my worst depression year. I was artistically stagnant, and although I knew cross stitching could be my saving grace, I never had the motivation to do it.

I finished a single cross stitch for the whole of 2018: a small, quick one of Ralsei from Deltarune, in a desperate attempt for stitching to fix my broken soul. Even though he wasn’t nearly as overwhelming a project, I stitched him for the wrong reasons: he was easy notes. It was another difficult time in my life, and I needed the attention.

This year, 2019, I feel is when I started to improve. I took a semester off of school to mentally heal, and in this momentary ceasefire, I tried to pick up cross stitch again through another overambitious project, Agent 9 the monkey. Upon completion, he will stand as my cross stitch project with the second most number of stitches, so he’s no picnic! Like Barista Klug, things were smooth for the first 3 or 4 months, but he’s since gone under hiatus, just like the rest, and I haven’t picked him up since.

So where did I go wrong? I asked myself for years. Why doesn’t this make me happy anymore? Why was I so satisfied with my work in my youth, but now I hate the mere thought of it? Saying it all aloud now, I’m certain the answer is crystal clear to all of you. But I wanted to pinpoint an answer in hopes of pursuing my craft so relentlessly and with wild abandon like I did a decade ago. I wanted a signal in this darkness...

After almost four years of complete darkness and confusion, at the end of June 2019, I received my signal. Still coping with my depression, I heard a new Pokémon game was coming out for mobile, and one of my fav (and super obscure) characters of all time would be in the core game. The clouds started to lift as my heart attached itself to an old lost fandom, granting me an urge, one that can only be granted by pure, distilled hype.

Enter Factory Head Thorton.

I knew I HAD to cross stitch him, to encapsulate the spirit that I hadn’t felt in so long. But this time, I did things differently: Why make a giant pattern with all the intricate details when this guy has sprites from the DS era, sprites that are easily transposable into a cross stitch pattern? I knew his sprite was small enough that I could finish him before school was back in session, but I’d have to work fast.

While I was working on the spritework for the pattern one July night, I had to pause and cry about it. To this day I am uncertain what triggered it, but working on this pattern filled me with such a raw happiness, the likes of which I’d never felt before. I was feeling true contentment for the first time in over half a decade, and I couldn’t contain my relief. As I began the stitching itself, that contentment carried over into my handiwork. I wasn’t stitching him because it would be a quick grab for notes (he’s obscure enough of a character as it is); I was making this stitching for myself, just a little something tangible that I made with my two hands. (If I ever came off as though notes on him were important to me, it was less for fame and more for shooting a flare into a dormant corner of a fandom and hoping I could make some new connections.)

Yeah, I felt satisfaction completing most of my other projects, but Thorton hit differently: Yeah, finishing him felt good, but working on him from start to finish felt even better, something I didn’t feel with Barista Klug or Ralsei. It was a sensation that sent me all the way back to high school, when I felt genuine passion and excitement in every stitch I made. This project was a meditation, almost a time capsule, even though I had only made the pattern a month prior.

From 2016 and on, none of my projects sparked joy. Thorton sparked joy, from beginning to end. So where did I lose my way? Well, I narrowed it down to two basic characteristics.

I think it was the spritework, what I suppose could be considered my traditional style when I first started in 2010. I moved away from sprites in 2015 or so, and it was about then that my art career started downhill. But going back to that style felt so perfect and ethereal, like it’s what I was always meant to do. I was very passionate about Barista Klug, but he wasn’t done in my old-timey sprite style.

Another contributing factor is likely whether or not I’m passionate about the subject and, by extension, whether I’m making the piece for attention over personal enjoyment. Am I considering how much I love that which I am stitching, or am I thinking about how much more people will love me once I’m done? Ralsei was indeed a sprite, but I made him for quick notes, seeing as I started and finished him while Deltarune was still at its peak popularity.

For the first time in nearly a decade, I stitched something that met both criteria, and it felt so powerful. I’m definitely taking this analysis to heart, and I aspire to pursue more projects like Thorton in the foreseeable future.

.........I say as I have already gathered $100 of materials for another HUGE latch hook project... Shame I figured this out a month too late, I suppose.

[janiedean]

It really sucks how judgmental you and some people in this fandom are of anyone who doesn't interpret the text the same way as you or who you deem as intellectually inferior to you. I agree with so many of your ideas about the characters, but I hate how high and mighty you are about those ideas. Someone isn't an idiot if they interpret Jon or Cersei differently than you.

......

lmao

okay anon, thing is: one thing is being high and mighty, one thing is telling you that you’re not reading the text.

like. I read yesterday someone being like ‘omg I read someone dared saying C. abused people and murdered someone before puberty HOW STUPID CAN PEOPLE BE’. it’s textual evidence that a) she molested tyrion sexually and that’s even without taking account my opinion re lann*ncest, b) that SHE KILLED MELARA WHEN THEY WERE TWELVE THROWING THE POOR GIRL DOWN A WELL, which means that whoever said it cannot fucking read the text because it’s black on white that she did both those things and refusing to accept it is Not Reading The Text. that’s not even text interpretation, that’s basic textual reading.

now: never mind cersei who gets a pass for about every fucking shit she pulls because she’s a woman, and don’t tell me she doesn’t because if she got as much shit about robert’s fifteen bastards that she ordered dead without even blinking as theon got for two kids that he’s felt guilty about since it happened then we could discuss it but she doesn’t and that’s not even the beginning of it. now: do you see me tagging my opinions? like, honestly, if I think something shitty about cersei, do you see me tagging it? I didn’t even tag the one time I ranted about the valonqar prophecy with her, I only tagged it with the prophecy/meta/the two characters I thought were the v. and the younger and more beautiful queen, because in the middle I said that imo cersei only cares for herself and I know ppl on her tag aren’t into reading that opinion. so: I didn’t tag it. now: how many people came in my inbox informing me my opinion of c. sucked, was biased and so on never mind lann*ncest never mind actually harassing me for it? well, enough that I had to shut down anon to avoid feeling like shit for two days about it. so like, I’m so high and mighty that I keep my opinions about people I don’t like untagged even if I think that the other side can’t read. but okay.

now, about jonc: listen, fact is, there’s exactly ten people in this fandom that I know of who give a shit about jonc period and three of them are fanartists who show up once in a while. like. exactly TEN. I made peace with the fact that no one gives a fuck about jonc, I 100% embraced that if I want content I have to do it myself, fine, whatever. but what I’m really getting sick of is that every goddamned fucking time I see the jonc tag updating (as in, five times each month if it’s a good month), it’s someone informing us of how selfish, pathetic, useless and dumb he is FOR THINGS THAT ALL OF THEIR FAVORITE CHARACTERS ACTUALLY DO ALL THE TIME and for which fandom at large praises them. or something about how him being in love with R is the most horribly pathetic thing that’s happened to adwd, or how he’s an idiot because he apparently hasn’t understood that aegon is fake because his eyes aren’t the same color as R’s when not even dany’s or viserys’s are, but no one says they aren’t targs for THAT now, do they? and sorry but reading that this dude would treat either rhaenys or jon snow like shit when this is canon:

Last night he'd dreamt of Stoney Sept again. Alone, with sword in hand, he ran from house to house, smashing down doors, racing up stairs, leaping from roof to roof, as his ears rang to the sound of distant bells. Deep bronze booms and silver chiming pounded through his skull, a maddening cacophony of noise that grew ever louder until it seemed as if his head would explode. Seventeen years had come and gone since the Battle of the Bells, yet the sound of bells ringing still tied a knot in his guts. 

Others might claim that the realm was lost when Prince Rhaegar fell to Robert's warhammer on the Trident, but the Battle of the Trident would never have been fought if the griffin had only slain the stag there in Stoney Sept. The bells tolled for all of us that day. For Aerys and his queen, for Elia of Dorne and her little daughter, for every true man and honest woman in the Seven Kingdoms. And for my silver prince.

now: it’s there black on white that he feels guilty for BOTH elia’s and rhaenys’s death, it’s not interpretation, it’s what is fucking written in there same as you can’t interpret that ned’s head got cut or cat’s last thought before she died was about ned loving her hair. so excuse me but I’m tired of going into a character who’s in my goddamned top ten and have to always, always run into people assuming he’s a pathetic selfish asshole (and the one time I tried to argue that there’s no way he’s *selfish*, maybe all the contrary to a pathological degree, the answer was basically ‘lol cannot hear you’ and not even a reblog but nvm that) rather than actual content because any of those people who have a obvious hateboner for jonc can’t just fucking tag it with *anti* jon connington. no, they have to use the character name and it’s never *content*, it’s just this drivel over and over again. and since I don’t do it with characters I don’t like, I’d appreciate if I could have the same courtesy spared for this asshole.

that said, the situation is that *one* single person (that I blocked but that’s apparently not enough for tumblr to spare me from seeing them on the tag) has asked that question to multiple blogs which all agree on jonc being shitty which means that it has popped up on the tag a whole lot in the last month and like....... if you don’t like that character why do you care so much, IDEK, but wow, I wrote one post, that I tagged with the character only, saying that ppl don’t bother to read his chapters (btw, one of the people who replied that he’d have been shitty to both jon and rhaenys was someone I ended up blocking because they were on the tag like ‘lololol grayscale I’m sure elia is laughing from the afterlife’ and when I told them it wasn’t funny and if they could avoid tagging that stuff I got told to fuck off but fine I guess, that was me being holier than thou I suppose...) which is true because they don’t, they only base their reading of jonc on that ONE line about elia which is a) obv. proof he’s jealous, b) way less bad than anything cersei and barristan think about her just to say two but lmao I don’t see them getting dragged for it, but everything else? what? two full chapters? do they exist? tyrion’s chapers? never knew them.

like.

anon, tbqh at this point if you wanna think I’m holier than thou just think that because while I like to think I’m not, if there is one thing I know I’m good at is text analysis (okay, last time I said I got two degrees based on text analysis I got told ‘ah okay so if she studies she’s obv. bragging so she knows nothing’ by someone whose main theory was robb stark is the unsung villain of these books but lol I mean having studied this counts for nothing, right???) and it irks me that in a fandom based on books/text analysis I have to read **meta** which is obviously made by people who haven’t read the text and then when given a counterargument ignore it. but even with that, do you see me engaging with it? nah. I can 100% assure you none of the people I would like to see out of the jonc tag actually go on the jonc tag nor follow me, so they will never know that I think their opinion is shit unless they go looking for it. and this because I might have engaged with at least two of them on the topic once - and nicely, not *judgmentally* - and no one gave a shit or reconsidered their stance, so like, excuse me if once per month I write a post on my own blog venting about how imo a character I like gets a shit treatment.

and for the love of god, anon, sorry, glad you like my opinions, but the fact that you’re coming at me assuming I am judgmental when I come from a fucking month and a half of people literally harassing me on anon over my fucking triple-tagged opinions on c/ersei and lann/incest and ignoring anything I said about how uncomfortable it was making me just because I happened to, in the most generous explanation, WRITE A META WHERE I C/P-ED CANON QUOTES WHERE C. WAS AWFUL TO J. WHEN IT CAME TO HIS DISABILITY which GRRM wrote, certainly not *me*, and it happened to get reblogged by asoiafuni, is really, really rich.

like, I tagged that shit to hell and back so people who aren’t interested in jb wouldn’t find it, I made sure to warn every time, I even tag anti-c/antijc posts so they don’t show up on mobile search in case ppl don’t have the anti tag blacklisted because I’m THAT invested into making sure other people can blacklist if they feel like it, but I can’t fucking say on my blog that I think some people in this fandom pull their meta out of their asses and haven’t even read the chapters of the character they’re supposed to discuss? like... really?

also, I’ll tell you a secret: I don’t remember 90% of what happened in dany’s adwd chapters and I don’t remember about 60% of what happened in her got-asos chapters. zero. now: do you see me meta-ing about dany and/or discuss her arc if not in extremely broad terms unless asked? no, because while I don’t particularly like her, I also don’t think it’d be fair for me to meta about her BECAUSE IF I DON’T REMEMBER HER CHAPTERS THEN I’D BE PULLING OPINIONS OUT OF MY ASS, and I don’t go judging anyone’s opinion re dany beyond the basics because mine is that her chapters are so boring I can’t even remember them. at most I’ll discuss the show version and I can swear to you that even if I’m not a fan or anything I’m still more lenient with her than about 90% of people who aren’t fans, and since I don’t pull meta out of my ass for people whose chapters I haven’t read, I would be extremely grateful of the rest of this fandom paid jon connington the same damn bloody effort, especially when he has TWO of them and hating on him that way is like... why would you, just ignore his fucking existence and let us ten ppl into him have a decent tag.

btw, the ONE time I dared say on a post that wasn’t tagged to hell and back to avoid people finding it ‘it’s kind of hypocritical that people fight themselves over bi!CHARACTER headcanons *because asoiaf doesn’t have lgbt POV CHARACTERS* when they ignore jonc exist and he actually is an lgbt pov character so maybe it’d be nice if they cared about the rep’, I got someone like WELL HE ISN’T LGBT REP ENOUGH, and on the other side I’ve had people actually giving me shit for liking him/writing him content because I’m straight so how do I dare writing a gay dude, and like, idk, since I can’t like him in peace in that sense, can the universe allow me to at least not see bullshit on the tag or is that too much to ask?

and to end this rant: anon, not to be that person, but fyi I’m hardly the person who dictates how the wind flies in this fandom unless we count maybe theon/robb fandom as a ship, my opinions aren’t nearly as popular as opinions belonging to ppl who imvho don’t read these books and that’s fine, I don’t particularly care beyond cultivating my garden as voltaire used to say and see if anyone else wants to come and see the flowers and in case they’re more than free to take some, but like...... the idea that me expressing an opinion about the fact that people in this fandom don’t use the same standards when judging characters and some haven’t read the book or forgot it and assume they know anyway is somehow being high and mighty when I also don’t tag that shit 99% of the time (with jonc I do it just because I know no one but me and ten other ppl goes on that tag) when there’s people in this fandom who outright deny what’s written black on white and actually literally harass you on anon for it when I can 100% swear to you that the only times I’ve gone on anon in my entire life were for a) memes that required being on anon, b) sending people headcanon requests, c) sending people I ALREADY KNEW and who KNEW IT WAS ME personal things that I didn’t want ppl to attach to me because I don’t owe 100% of my life history to tumblr dot com and I always put my face to my opinions.

like, glad you like my opinions, but honestly, if you think this is me being judgmental, fair enough but maybe I’m also tired of having to read stuff that’s based on not having fucking read the book.

thank you.

[filthyshieldmaiden]

Queen

A/N: I decided to write a modern lagertha fic! I will post it in two parts because tumblr Mobile is giving me a hard time posting it all at once. Next part is all lesbian sex, just warning! Lol. Ask to be added on my taglist!

Modern!Lagertha x Fem!Reader

Word count: 1032

Warnings: none, really. Maybe Sexual thoughts?

You work at Freyja Fashion International. Today was your first day back after your week-long vacation. You were dreading being back behind that reception desk and doing all the tasks your boss gives you. the second you are back at work, lagertha is just gonna instantly give you an obnoxious amount of tasks. Being the personal assistant and receptionist for the CEO of one of the biggest fashion empires in the world, is a lot of work. Lagertha was basically the Queen of fashion world.

The pay is decent but the toll it has taken on your personal and social life is ridiculous. Lagertha always calling at all hours of the day and night, even on your days off, for you to do simple things that she was too “busy” to do. Ugh, just thinking about it made you annoyed. Though, you were glad she wasn’t mean. She was demanding but never mean to you like your last boss. Still, it sucked that You haven’t even been able to maintain a relationship over the last year and a half of being her assistant.

Sexual frustration was not helping you at work either. You were always on edge and the most action you get is in your daydreams during work. Seeing Lagertha, wearing tight pencil skirts and stockings with the seam up the back of her toned legs, always triggered your fantasies. Not to mention, when she occasionally wears low-cut blouses. Just watching her walk, noticing how her breasts jiggle with every click of her heels on the floor. It’s impossible for you not to think about her in that way.

————————————————-

Once you arrived at work, you rushed to your desk and checked for voicemails, so you could have her messages on her desk when she gets here. You heard her heels approaching your desk.

“Good morning, Lagertha! How are you today?”

You smiled at her while you got up to greet her.

“Better now that you’re back, things have been chaotic around here this whole week. So you need to buckle down and get comfortable because we have to stay late and sort out some problems. Also, there was too much traffic, I couldn’t get my coffee, will you grab me my usual?”

She didn’t even look at you while she talked, lagertha was just typing away on her oversized iPhone.

“Thanks” she said before she walked away and entered her office.

“Great”

you said to yourself as you leaned on your desk and called your friend to cancel your previously made plans.

“Wah, come on you barely spent time with me your whole week off and now you’re ditching me again?!”

Stephanie was right, you basically hung out around your apartment all week, to recharge. You’ve been so exhausted that hanging out with people sounded so draining.

“Steph! Please forgive me, Lagertha needs me to work late, tonight. I swear within the next couple days, I’ll make the time and we can watch dumb horror movies in our pajamas, while getting wine drunk. Okay?”

You can’t stand the feeling of people being upset or annoyed with you, so you just had to offer her, her absolute favorite activity.

“Ugh, fine. Text me later, love ya!”

You were relieved at her words and understood her frustration with you.

“Love you too!”

You said before hanging up.

“did I make you cancel plans with your girlfriend, Y/N?”

You didn’t even realize Lagertha had snuck out of her office, hearing the last bit of your phone call.

“Oh no, she’s just a friend.”

You replied to her.

“Ah I see, do you get wine drunk in your jammies with many friends?”

Your boss seemed oddly interested. Her question made You laugh.

“just with my best friend and it’s nice that she’s incredibly pretty and gets cuddly when she’s drunk.”

You noticed you gave just a little bit too much information and blushed.

“But yeah, she’s just a friend and has a fiancé anyways so nothing has or ever will happen”

you added, trying to make it better but almost making the situation more awkward.

Lagertha looked you up and down, noticing your cheeks blushing and smiled sweetly, at you. Her phone dinged and she was headed out the door.

“Hey Y/N, order Chinese for dinner. I’m in that kind of mood again.”

She asked you as she walked away.

You put your cold hands to your cheeks, to try to make the blushing go away. God, you hope that you didn’t go to far, telling her a bit of your personal life. Though, she did ask you. She seemed intrigued by the information you gave her. You brushed it off and continued with your work, setting up meetings and calling a magazine that wanted to feature Lagertha as their most favorite powerful woman, in this week’s issue.

———————————————

[9:30 pm]

“Okay I got the Chinese!”

You said while carrying three thick binders with the Chinese to-go boxes balancing on top. I also have the resource binders.

“Oh god, I’m starving!”

Lagertha got up and walked over to the coffee table in her office, where you set the food.

“Alright, let’s get this over with. I need names of manufacturers and suppliers. Apparently the warehouse ran out of a ton of material. We are two weeks behind on orders. And we ordered a new type of leather for the tunics and that leather just isn’t working, so we have to order what we usually do. I hate how i have to do the job of the warehouse manager just because he decided to retire early. Ugh.”

She scoffed and took off her blazer, revealing her low cut, royal purple camisole.

“I should really think about keeping a change of comfy clothes in my office for late nights like this. Maybe then we could have our own pajama party.”

Lagertha gave you a cheeky smile. Pulling out a bottle from her desk.

“Want some wine anyway?”

She asked as she went to her shelf to grab a couple glasses.

“Sure, I suppose it could make searching through binders a little more bearable.”

You replied as you threw your hair up into a ponytail.

Taglist: @tephi101 @akamaiden @laketaj24 @captstefanbrandt @hallowed-heathen @cbouvier23 @ivarsshieldmadien

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

I saw you posted my letter. Thank you for it. Somehow having people read what I go through at times can really help. I know it sounds silly. Last time I wrote to you, I was caught up in myself. I still am. You’ll se. But still, I’d like to ask you how you are. I know you don’t answer to the letters you put on here, but I just think that you, too, need to be heard and that you matter a lot, considering the things you do for all of us. So, yea… I hope you are alright. Thank you for everything. So…About her and me. We met in the end. I booked an overpriced flight 2 weeks before the meeting because I had to see her. I didn’t care what anybody said. I didn’t care my mom doesn’t want me to meet “strangers”. She isn’t a stranger. I have seen her over face time. I have heard her voice. I know her better than myself. And she knows more about me than anybody. But I can’t tell my mom or dad. They don’t know about her. How the hell am I supposed to tell them…? You know, where I live, people aren’t exactly homophobic. It’s accepted. But not well seen. My dad is intolerant. My mom plays it cool. But I see the way they both look at gay couples, frowning. I don’t know how to come out of the closet. Where I usually live, nobody knows. Maybe a „friend“, but she doesn’t care much about me anymore. I thought I mattered to her. We shared our writings, our fears and she felt like a best friend. In the end it turnt out that she was only using me and that she doesn’t care. I was dropped like a hot potato, just like always. I always idealise people. And then they disappoint me. It is that way right now. But I’ll come back on this later. I am not out in the country I live in. But I am out here in Canada. I am currently doing a mobility semester. And people here are so much more open. It’s in the french part and I met a lot of international students. In my flat, I live with 2 people from the french part in Switzerland and by coincidence I met a french girl, and others. We are a group of 10 now. They are all french native speakers. I am not. English isn’t my native language either. But that doesn’t really matter now. I am drifting away. Gosh..Charlie, I have so many things to tell and my head is a huge mess. I need to order things. Sorry for this mess. So..one of the girls started talking about her girlfriend and then asked „es-tu en couple?“ which means as much as „are you in a relationship?“. Usually people ask me if I have a boyfriend and I say no. Here I said yes. Because I am. And there is no point in hiding it. So she was the first person I told about my girlfriend and it freed me. Soon my flatmates asked the same question and then some people from uni did too. I told the truth. For the first time ever. And the more I say it, the better I feel about it. It was hard for me to accept myself. When everything around you somehow makes you feel as though it is bad to like the same sex, you don’t want to believe yourself. I had dates before. 2. With guys. I hated it. I’d never kissed anyone. So yea..A and I met in the end. I went to visit. And it was the best week ever. I loved it. I love her. She was my first kiss. And yes, maybe I take things extra slow. I am really insecure and she has fears I am not allowed to talk about because that is her business and not mine. But…she is just amazing. And I trust her. She trusts me. And her fears are fading away. It’s good. Really good. It hasn’t always been. I don’t like to call our relationship toxic, but sometimes that’s exactly what it is. She hurts me a lot when she is hurting. Shutting me out, being cold, distant, and sometimes even rude. Out of the blue she will give monosyllabic answers and not talk to me anymore. So…she broke up with me over nothing. She said she wasn’t healthy for me and that she was toxic. I said she wasn’t. But truly…she was. But I couldn’t live without her. Yes…call me dramatic, call me cheesy and call me an actress in a soap opera. I know, okay? I’m horrible. I didn’t want to accept she went away. I didn’t sleep that night. And the day after I begged her to come back. She said she never stopped loving me and that she regretted breaking up, that she had done it for my best. I said I could forget about it. Really…it took me very long to forgive her. She doesn’t know that. She doesn’t have to know everything. Things are hard enough for her and what matters is that we are okay now. I put everything she gave me when we met into a box in my closet and didn’t take anything with me to Canada. Sometimes I really hate myself for it. She got really distant after we got back together. Distant, cold hearted and rude. I asked what the matter was, she wouldn’t tell me. I was in Canada for the first week and she didn’t talk to me, refused to tell me what was wrong. I was destroyed. And mentally prepared to drop it and just take the first guy here and end up with him in bed. I wanted to forget her. But then she apologised. Out of the blue. Saying I’d hurt her the night we broke up. I was disappointed. I had asked her before if we were fine and if I’d hurt her. She said no. She lied. I hate lies. I don’t know what I said to hurt her, all I know she hurt me too and I didn’t behave like a jackass. But okay…let’s not get into this…it upsets me too much. I read a comment under my first letter asking if her and me are still together. Yes we are. It’s been nearly 7 months now. And we have had many lows. I was on the verge of telling her we are over when she started to push me away again. I talked to a friend on here about it and he told me for my own good I should leave her. But then again he isn’t objective at all. We’ve been talking for 4 years now and 2 years ago he said he’d fallen for me. I liked him. Maybe even in that way. But I didn’t want distance. With him it’s not even the same continent. It was a big no. So I lied about my feelings and shut him out completely. We started talking again 1 year ago and we’ve grown a lot closer. He still has feelings for me. I know it. He somehow told me… even though he has a girlfriend now. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. Please don’t judge me Charlie. Please don’t tell me tumblr isn’t really life and love on here isn’t real love. I though so at first. I though long distance relationships were bullshit and I thought love was being close and speaking the same language. But it’s the heart that matters, and the language of the heart not of the mouth. It’s the feeling and not the ratio. Please don’t judge me and please don’t tell me it’s not real. It is very much real. I saw her. I kissed her. And everything was just right. It was as if a piece I didn’t know I was missing was finally given back to me. Right now, it is going very good with her. I want to see her again, as soon as I am back where I live. I told my mom I wanted to go there in February. My mom doesn’t want me to. She saw I was heartbroken after the breakup and asked why. I said a friend had left me. I said A left me. I tried to be close to the truth. My mom is really resentful. She doesn’t want to see me hurt again. She doesn’t want A’s mom to be a jackass to me again and I do understand but she doesn’t. How could she if she doesn’t know…. I wish I could tell her. But she wouldn’t understand. 1. A is girl. 2. I met her over internet and we live in different countries. How the hell do I explain that…? I don’t want to go back to being enclosed. I want to have the life I have here where I usually live. It’s across the ocean an the mentality is so different. I’m scared of coming out at home. I don’t know if I will manage to do so. Anyway. So many more things to tell you. I’m sorry for talking for so long. Words spill out. I’ve got class tomorrow and it’s past midnight, but somehow I had to write to you. So…I met this group of friends here. And we go on a lot of travels together, explore the country for the time we are here. It’s great. But I don’t feel as if I truly fit in. They go out a lot, they drink a lot. And I do too. But for different reasons. I have many off days where I don’t manage to get out of bed or to eat or study. I try to function but I can’t. Depression can hit hard. She makes it better. I spend a lot of time talking to her. I know it’s bad. It makes me retreat from society and the friends I found here. One night, I told C, my flatmate, about A and how she was toxic. That was when I was close to breaking up. I needed help. C told me I should break up. I knew. But I wanted to give A a last chance. And that’s exactly what I told her. I said that she was hurting me and that if this happened one more time, I’d be gone for good. After that A changed. She is trying really hard to be okay, and to be honest when she isn’t instead of pushing me away. About C…I really like her. I idealise her, a lot. She is an extrovert and really popular. She’s great, to be honest. Real and with deep thoughts. I like her. And I talked to her. But I regretted it afterwards. We haven’t known each other for long enough. Now I don’t really talk to her. I don’t really talk anymore. In general. On our road trips I sit in the back of the car and don’t talk. I stay in the background. Listen, observe, try to get to know the people and the way they interact. Sometimes I see more than there is. Sometimes I see deepness where there isn’t and I think that a smile hides pain but not everybody has pain to hide. I need to learn that. I generally feel like a bad person. And I don’t want to be. I feel selfish and as if I talk to much about me and don’t listen enough. I’m bad at smalltalk and I never know what to say. Integrating in my class is hard because I am with 4 different years (wasn’t possible differently with the schedules and the equivalents in my uni. anyway.) I feel alone a lot. Plus, I somehow don’t feel comfortable in french anymore. I don’t really dare talking. Words won’t come to me. I used to be better at french than english. Since I met A, that changed. I’m really insecure. And I feel like I am constantly seeking attention. Sometimes I think I am down only to have people notice. I don’t know anymore. On 28th of September, it was my birthday. I cried myself to sleep the day before because I wouldn’t be home for it and my mom wouldn’t hug me. Then, I woke up to the knocking of all my friends and C and Am (my other flatmate) had even baked a cake and they sang and it was amazing. I loved it. We then drove to Toronto. It was great. Monday it was C’s birthday. We baked her a cake. We drove back to here. 7 hours of car. And during the ride, C and Ca (a friend) talked, and Am and J (a girl from the group who doesn’t like me, I think) talked a lot and I didn’t hear anything because the music was loud. I felt left out. I’m scared of being left out. I am so scared of everything. C and Am have the same classes and they grow closer. I can only watch from afar. I often feel like I am not real. Like I am not in the situation. Condemned to watching and never able to interact. Maybe I am. Yes.. I definitely am…I’m pouring my heart out to you. It’s sad. But it helps. Thank you again. My stomach hurts a lot these days. Uni is tough. I am constantly stressed but also procrastinating because I don’t have the energy to do anything and I don’t know where to start so I don’t start. Which is bad considering I am a real perfectionist. We talked about drinking the other night. And S said I could drink a lot without being drunk quickly. That is NOT true. I am drunk after 2 beers and 2 shots of rum. But I know how to hide it. I hate to lose control. And even my drunk me hates it. She knows how to hide. I haven’t done anything else than hiding myself in my life. It’s not hard to hide being drunk. I can control it. Open eyes a little more, articulate more, concentrate on walking straight, preferring to sit. And I told S. She said sometimes, losing control is good. I know she is right. But I don’t know how to let go. I don’t know how to allow myself to be me and to not take responsibility. I am 20. All my friends here are older. Around 22 or 23. And I often feel like a kid. Even if I know that actually I am taking more responsibilities than them, I feel small. I’ve always been the youngest. I’m used to it. And I think that’s why I want control. Talking about control…I think I am losing it. Food is a huge issue. I know I am not fat. I feel like it though. I used to be thinner. And when I am feeling bad, I don’t eat because at least that, I can control. But lately I am binging too much. I eat far too much and by far not healthy enough. I don’t want to slip into an eating disorder. But truth is, I’ve been in one for long. Either not eating at all or eating everything in sight. And gosh..I hate me for it. I hate me for a lot of things. For example being like this. I don’t know how to describe this. I’m sorry if you think badly about me. Maybe I am really just a bad person. All I know is that I am complicated and trying to be a good person and be happy and change, but I don’t know how or where to start. It’s always the same. I never know where to start. Life overwhelms me a lot. And often. And when I think about the fact that in 2 years I will have a bachelor’s degree and be a formed teacher who can have a class, it makes me want to throw up. I am not ready. Everything is just too much and depression is rolling over me so often. Barcelona still gets to me. I had been there for 2 hours when the attack took place. My dad and mom where there too. I was so scared. i cried. That was a year ago. We didn’t know where to go. couldn’t find the hotel. Run from one place to another. Hiding. No food. Scared. My dad always ran in the wrong direction. he wanted to help. But how? He didn’t even have his gun. He was a tourist not an officer in Spain. But he didn’t want to listen. I needed him and he wanted to play the hero. It think that was the worst. Having to drag my dad with me. Running for my life but also for his, slowing us down both. So in addition to the fear of dying was the fear of my dad being hurt and dragging him into the right direction with me. And the kids crying and chairs dropping, people running, sunglasses and phones on the floor, bags and shoes and…then all the mass panic and running again and hiding and into the next shop… I still have nightmares. I still can’t breathe in big cities. I still flinch when a chair falls down or there is noise. Then there is H. She left 2 months ago. She said she’d never. I was in Montreal a week ago. She is from there. And I had a panic attack over seeing her. To a point where I wrote her a message begging her not to cross my way. Apparently that’s not something you say to somebody. I didn’t know it was a rude thing to say. English isn’t my native language. I already said that. Sorry. And H said she couldn’t be my friend because I reminded her of the past and that was too hard and that I please shouldn’t talk to her. Then, in Montreal, a litter bin fell down and there were so many people and I was close to tears. Everything came together. Fear of seeing H, fear of an attack, fear of people and getting lost. C asked why I was scared. She doesn’t understand. I don’t think she is good at reading people. Maybe she doesn’t want to see. I don’t know. I said there are just too many people. It was a half light truth. ugh..the night was horrible. The text I sent H was a drunk text and I regretted it badly the day after. I don’t know why things always get to me that much. I don’t get why people always leave me. There has to be something wrong with me. And yet I always hope that “this” person will be different. but then again, I am starting to be more careful. Not letting people in as easily and building up brick walls. It’s bad. I know. Sometimes I do let them in. But then I regret it. Sorry for being messy. I know, these last lines especially, don’t make sense. But they came to me. It’s 00:45 now. And now, after proofreading, it’s 01:20h… I have to get up in 6, now 5 hours….but okay. I am used to not sleeping. I take dance classes here. They make me really happy. I love it. When I dance, all the things around me disappear. I smile and feel the beat and nothing more. I jump home instead of walking. Yea okay, that’s exaggerated, but you get the idea I think. The teacher told me I was really good today. I loved hearing that. I dance since I’m 4. But I stopped at 16: anxiety and school stress. I started Salsa last year, met a guy, went on a date which was awful and didn’t dare going to class anymore. Here I do jive and lindy hop and even though it’s not my kind of music, I love dancing. It makes me forget the world around me. Call it cliché, but it’s the truth. I am really sorry for writing so much. I don’t do it often. This is the second time I tell you something and a lot has happened in between the letters. I don’t know where you are from, or what language you speak, but if you feel like it, listen to „la fête est finie“ by Orelsan. It’s not my kind of music, but I like it. It made me think about life a lot. Anyway. Thank you for you time to read this, thank you for doing what you do, Charlie. You’re gold. And again, I’m sorry for the mess of words and the overflow of information. I’m just really insecure and really…me. which I am not saying as a compliment. I hope I will be truly happy one day and that I will overcome this depression…but until then I’ll say until next time Charlie. Thank you. Love always, Lilly. P.S. My name isn’t Lilly, I just didn’t feel comfortable saying who I am the first time I wrote. I’m Lena. That fits me better. And it’s more honest. P.S. Maria, I hope you are fine. I’ve read some of your letters and you seem to be a really kind person with a lot of shit happening. I hope you’ll be okay. You deserve to be happy. 03.10.2018, 01:23am