#this was supposed to be lloyd reflecting on his whole family...

[jackiestarsister]

Thoughts while rereading Jane Eyre

I first read Jane Eyre in its entirety when I was in high school, and it has remained one of my all-time favorite books! After reading the Manga Classics adaptation and seeing both the old and new editions of the stage musical, I finally reread it, or rather listened to the audiobook.

These were my thoughts on this reading (with spoilers):

~ Jane’s autobiography begins with the line, “There was no possibility of taking a walk that day.” I take this to mean that if she had taken a walk that day, none of the following events would have happened! John Reed would not have attacked her at that time and place, leading to her traumatic punishment, her meeting with Mr. Lloyd, and going to Lowood Institution.

~ Charlotte Bronte vividly shows the intensity of children’s emotions. I don’t think that was common in British literature at the time!

~ Jane enters and leaves the lives of the Reeds, the Thornfield residents, and the Rivers siblings in very Gothic fashions! I can imagine parts of the story being told from other characters’ perspectives to great dramatic effect.

~ Knowing the whole story, there are many seeds of foreshadowing to be found throughout the story! Great setup and payoff.

~ Jane says about Helen’s grave, “for fifteen years after her death it was only covered by a grassy mound; but now a grey marble tablet marks the spot.” Jane must have gone back to Lowood when she was about 25, and paid for a fitting monument for her first and life-changing friend!

~ Pilot seems almost like a Disney hero’s sidekick, urging the two love interests to meet each other!

~ Mr. Rochester seems to judge Jane’s character partly by observing how she treats Pilot and Adele, and the contrast against Blanche Ingram’s treatment of them!

~ If Eliza and Georgiana are supposed to represent the extremes of unfeelingness and too effusive feelings, are they basically Eleanor and Marianne Dashwood? I know Charlotte Bronte disliked Pride and Prejudice; maybe she was pushing back against Austen’s other characters too?

~ Rochester actually calls Jane the “adopted daughter” of Mrs. Fairfax and “little English mother” of Adele! I wish this familial dynamic had been brought out more.

~ The impulsive way Jane flees from Thornfield reminds me that she is still a teenager! She does not think of the fact that she has an uncle who wants to give her an inheritance, or of the solicitor’s advice to stay put until she hears news of him. She does not seek help from Mrs. Fairfax or the Leavens family to find a new situation. She might have spared herself a lot of suffering if she had formed a better plan for finding a new home and had her mail forwarded there!

~ St. John, Diana, and Mary Rivers are like a reversed reflection of John, Eliza, and Georgiana Reed—both sets of cousins, but completely opposite dynamics with Jane.

~ Jane’s relationship with St. John Rivers is waaaay more toxic than her relationship with Edward Rochester. Jane can stand her ground with Rochester, who would never force her to do anything she decidedly did not want; but she feels compelled to do whatever St. John tells her, and he urges her to do things against her own desires.

~ Rochester literally loses his eye and hand, just like Jesus says about temptation in Matthew 18:8-9!

~ Jane and Rochester’s relationship is bookended by scenes of her supporting him as he walks!

~ Were the parson and clerk who officiated Jane and Rochester’s marriage the same ones who were at the interrupted wedding?! Unless there was a change in position during the year of separation, they probably were the same ones!

~ My headcanon is that all the Thornfield servants placed bets on how long it would take Jane and Rochester to work things out. This is supported by the innkeeper’s account of how the servants observed Jane and Rochester, and John and Mary’s reactions after they finally get married!

[kassiedoodles-xo]

The Forces Of Destiny — Part IV :

"Sucked in"

- a fanmade ninjago season -

Word count: 1847

Warnings: none

The ninja entered Yuki’s office, pushing open the heavy mahogany door, their eyes immediately settled on the elaborate tapestry hanging on the northern wall. Intricate designs adorned the fabric, threads of history woven into it, the Dragonfly family symbol depicted above the mystic figure.

Yuki moved forward, gripping the fabric as she tugged on it, she turned her head towards Cole in a silent plea of help. Understanding, Cole approached the fabric, muscles flexing as she peeled the fabric away revealing the plain limestone brick wall. Confusion settled upon the ninja’s faces as they stared at the plain wall.

“Oh come on! Why does every ancient being have to speak in riddles? Why couldn't she just tell us the way to the Royal Archives normally.” Jay quaked, allowing his head to fall down as his shoulders slumped.

Nya moved past her boyfriend, closely examining the wall, running her fingers over the bumpy surface. “Maybe there's a hidden mechanism. Some sort of switch or a leaver.”

Lloyd joined her, knowing on the wall, listening intently for any hollow sound. “Maybe it's activated by a sound,” he thought out loud. “But then what sound could it be.” he finished his thought, bringing his hand to his chin thoughtfully.

“I'm starting to think this was all just a stupid trick.” Kai grunted, hitting his fist on the wall in frustration. “How are we supposed to solve a puzzle with no clues.”

Zane stood back with Yuki, observing the room with a calculated gaze. “Perhaps we need to think of the room as a whole, rather than just the northern wall itself.” Zane remarked, causing Yuki to sigh.

Yuki felt a growing sense of hopelessness overcome her, the determination in her eyes now replaced with deep-seated doubt. Her shoulders slumped, the room once filled with the possibility of hidden truths now seemed to mock her inability to find its secrets.

Despite the palace's regal splendour, at that moment it felt more like a dungeon of self-doubt. Her self disappointment only amplified as the realisation struck, leaving a bitter taste on her tongue - she couldn’t even find a place within her own home.

How can you be this useless?

With every unsuccessful attempt to solve the riddle, her inner turmoil heightened. Doubt whispered in her mind, questioning her capabilities and worthiness, the grandeur of her royal status seemed to be crushed.

Useless. 

Useless. 

Useless.

She watched the team persist in their efforts, their voices fading away into white noise as she looked outside the vast window. The moon, a silent companion, witnessed their efforts as it began to ascend over the horizon. The silvery glow melted through the window as it cast an ethereal radiance over the office, bathing the room in a celestial luminescence. Yuki glanced at the captivating display of light, watching the light dance with the shadows across the floor. Momentarily, a small flash of light seemed to reflect off the wall as the moon rose higher into the sky. A subtle sparkle, a gentle glimmer, almost invisible.

She narrowed her eyes as she spoke “ Everyone, move back.” her voice holding an unusual authority, one she reserved for parliament and official state gatherings. The ninja watched as she moved towards the wall, not daring to step in. Below the sparkle, the moonlight revealed the minute engraving on the wall.

“Only the light and the wand may open the door, for the moon is the one at the magics core.” she whispered, her fingers tracing the words.

A determined spark ignited itself within Yuki. Her friends watched intently as she retrieved her wand, an ancient heirloom passed down all the way from Queen Kaida, its significance in Kaida’s speech now falling into place. She held the wand up high, positioning the wand at a precise angle, allowing the crystal within her wand to reflect the moonlight just right. She aligned the moonlight with the place she saw shimmering on the wall, within seconds the place began to shine brightly, the engraving below illuminating with silver light; the lines flickered with ethereal brilliance as the room, once filled with uncertainty, now watched the enchanted transformation in front of them.

A low hum resonated throughout the room, everyone watched as the secret passageway revealed itself from the wall. The wall seemed to tear itself open, waking up from a long slumber as it groaned and twisted to reveal a primal staircase. A soft breeze filled the room, as if ancient secrets swept through the air.

The ninja started in astonishment, a sense of accomplishments and pride filling them. Yuki turned to Jay “Huh, maybe you were right Jay, turns out there is a secret chamber.” she teased, smiling sweetly to her friends.

Morro smirked, placing his hand on her shoulder “Atta girl.”

He moved forward, grabbing the ornate candle holder from Yuki’s desk, taking the lead down the twisted stairs. The rest of the team followed closely behind, the once concealed door sealing itself shut again.

They descended down the narrow, twisted staircase, their way illuminated by Morro’s candle and Yuki’s wand. The air grew colder with each step down, a slight fragrance of dust hanging in the atmosphere, the steep stairs seemed to wind endlessly into the cold abyss below.

The unknown stretched out in front of them, time felt suspended as they moved with purpose, a faint sound echoed through the passage. It was as if distant whispers of long forgotten voices spoke to them.

At last the ninja stood in front of a grand set of doors lined with ancient writings, their gazes travelled higher, taking in the entire entrance.

Yuki placed a gentle hand on one of the doors, she felt the magic surge within her, shocking through every vein in her body. A force opened her eyes, they shone a bright white as she pushed open the door, feeling the magic move faster in her. Her friends stood beside her in mild shock, of course they witnessed similar situations throughout their friendship, yet it still caused them to freeze every time.

They entered the expansive room, a sea of tables stretching across the entire room, covered in never ending parchment. The air was thick with magical ambiance as history seemed to write itself.

The team moved closer to one of the tables, watching as enchanted quills gracefully danced on the parchment, leaving intricate tales of the past on the pages. They marvelled at the mesmerising spectacle as they noticed a specific sentence be written in front of their eyes.

“The elemental masters of Magic, Energy, Water, Wind, Fire, Ice and Lightning enter the royal archives for the first time. They observe as history is written.” Zane reads out loud, turning to face the group, watching as chills run down everyone's spines.

“Uhhh that's freaky, let's keep moving.” Jay says, pushing the group along, clearly uncomfortable at the thought of his every action being recorded.

“This place must be enchanted by some spell, these quills are writing down the entire chronological unfolding history of Ninjago.” Yuki gasps, amazed by the magical powers present in the room.

“Let’s spread out, it seems like everything is organised chronologically.” Kai ordered, the rest of the team nodded simultaniasly.

They dispersed, desperate hands combing through the papers. Lloyd, guided by some intuitive force, approached a section; he swept all scrolls onto the ground, letting them hit the floor without any regard for the tender aged parchment.

Yuki turned her head at the sound of the falling paper, immediately scolding the blonde. “Careful Lloyd! Those might be important!”

“There's something here, i can feel it-” he searched further, finally finding the wall behind the shelf, ancient symbols etched into it “There! Over here!” he called, drawing everyone’s attention. Yuki approached closer, taking her place beside him as she traced her fingers over the symbols.

“It’s about my spellbook.” Her voice trailed off.

“Well what does it say!” Cole asked excitedly, urging Yuki to keep reading.

“It just says,” She squinted her eyes in the dim light “ The spell book keeps the master's memories as an extension. She who holds it in her embrace wields the record of the family's timeless grace. Known and unknown secrets are held, even those forbidden from being told.” she finished, an uncanny feeling taking over her.

“Yuki, your spell book!” Nya pointed to the spellbook tucked under Yuki’s arm, her eyes wide with realisation. “What if the answer is in the subtext of the book!” she rejoiced.

Suddenly, Yuki felt another surge of magic flow through her body, the pages of the spell book began to glow with a bright ethereal light, pulsating at the same rate as Yuki’s heartbeat.

The ninja watched in awe as light filled the room, the radiant glow intensifying with each second, bathing them in an otherworldly luminescence. Everyone exchanged puzzled looks, confusion and uncertainty etched in their eyes.

The spell book lifted off out of Yuki’s hands, astonished gasps filled the room as the pages fluttered vigorously. Yuki held her breath, eyes wide and mouth agape, this was not a chapter in her magical training.

“I'm not the Master of Magic, but I'm pretty sure a book isn’t supposed to be doing that.” Jay stated, his finger pointing at the book defying gravity.

“Yeah no shit sherlock” Kai responded, stepping back from the book.

Before anyone could think of reacting, a powerful vortex enveloped the ninja, the room blurred into a kaleidoscope of colours as an odd sense of weightlessness overcame their senses. It was as if they were being transported through the very fabric of reality.

Abruptly, they were deposited into a pile in the familiar space of Yuki’s bedroom. The sudden transition was disorienting, the group of friends untangled themselves, silently blinking in surprise. They looked around in bewilderment, exchanging slightly amused glances, the room erupted with laughter.

Everyone laughed at the unforeseen enchantment of the spell book, everyone but Yuki. An unusual silence fell like a heavy curtain, her purple eyes darting around her bedroom as her friends turned to her, their amusement quickly turning to concern, suddenly feeling uncomfortable in the seemingly familiar room.

What is this?

“This isn’t right.” Yuki mumbled, her voice carrying a sense of urgency that sent shivers down everyone's spines.

“Yuki, this is all just some weird magic. Right?” Lloyd spoke cautiously, his eyes narrowed slightly. “You’ve teleported before.”

Panic flashed across her face, she stood up abruptly, running to her bedroom window, the sunlight softly steaming in, painting warm shadows on her face.

Calm down.

The ninja watched her, a sudden realisation hit them like a bolt of Jay's lightning.

“It was evening just minutes ago…” Yuki gulped, a sense of uncanny valley settled over them.

“ Something’s off, I can't put my finger on it but something doesn’t feel right about your bedroom.” Kai added, scrutinising the room.

“That's because we're not in my bedroom.” Yuki started. She turned her head halfway away from the window just enough to face her friends as she continued “We’re in the memory of my bedroom.”

<Previous | Next >

♧Masterlist♧

Summary: A mysterious rift between time and magic tears the fabric of the realms. Yuki, the master of magic, the purple ninja and the queen of ninjago, must find the powerful spell to fix this. In an unexpected twist, the team is transported into the depths of Yuki's spell book. The ninja must navigate through the chapters and memories of all the queens, finding the thing that is jeprodizing peace.

In a risky race, the ninja must piece together fragments of memories to uncover the truth. Will they succeed in fixing the rift? Or will Dark secrets unravel a mystery that changes the fate of everything?

Taglist: Open

@shatteredhope123 @spinjitzu-spy @stupidgayartkid @crikkit-kitterton @queenoftaslik @urkittybby

Feel free to ask to be added to the taglist!

© This is the exclusive property of Aleksandra Niewiadomska. Do not claim as your own, repost on other sites or translate my work at all.

[destinygoldenstar]

Responding To Ninjago Hot Takes (Round One)

Hey, remember the post I made asking people for Ninjago Hot Takes?

No?

Links here

I said I was gonna respond to some, so well, here we are. I’ll just do a post per hot take, cause some of these I have way too much to say, and I want to shout out people who made these in the first place. (Please support these people, even if you don’t agree with what they said.)

I’m going to repeat this for every post: I’m going to approach these hot takes in two ways: How hot I think they are as takes, and whether or not I agree with the take. Know that I’m just using both of these to reflect on others opinions, which is always fun to see, and I will try to be as respectful as possible to the person. (You guys be respectful too) And as always reblog some of your hot takes in either this post or the other one, preferably the other one.

So I’m gonna go from oldest reblog and onward.

@favesgrave

They said:

‘i might get burnt at the stake for saying this but i think llorumi is the straight version of catradora (disclaimer: i don't like either ships)’

‘harumi manipulates lloyd, toys with him, tries killing him and his friends multiple times, yadda yadda yadda, but eventually turns good (i cant remember how or why i havent watched crystallized in a while)’

‘catra does the same exact thing to adora!!! and also nearly destroys the world and is the reason glimmer's mom is dead and everyone's chill with that??? but then at the end catra comes out with the "i love you i always have!!!!" and everything's okay’

‘yeah harumi and lloyd dont get together at the end but people sure ship them still’

Yeah. I definitely agree with this.

For me, the whole point of this ship was that it was a toxic ship in the Oni Trilogy. You’re SUPPOSED to say ‘Yeah, this will never work and this is unhealthy’.

And I loved hating it for that reason. These two characters became such good rivals as a result. And it definitely makes you hate Harumi for all the personal torment she’s done to Lloyd. Toying with his feelings, turning his father against him, forcing him to watch his friends supposedly DIE?!?

Like, I was so angry when Sons of Garmadon ended on a cliffhanger (because I was unused to change and was an idiot). I was furious that this lady got away with all of it!

The point of the ship was that it was a lie and she’s toying with him. Like, convince me in any way that Lloyd is not the victim here.

BUUUUUT then Crystalized came in as a pure fan service season that decided to fix something that was NOT BROKEN.

I usually appreciate the writers actually taking time to listen to criticism and attempting to take it to heart and fix issues audiences had in later installments. (Not everything, but what can you do?) It’s why I can respect the shows heart more than anything else. They care about their audience and are willing to admit when they messed up somewhere.

There were people who demanded that Harumi be redeemed though, and honestly, I think listening to those people was a bad call. Because it only ruined the entire character.

I wouldn’t say it ruined Sons of Garmadon and Hunted for me, but yeah, the best headcanon I can think is that Harumi got possessed or something when she was revived cause she is just flat out not the same character in this season.

I think what got to me the most was that she did not EARN redemption or convince me in any way.

The big thing that redeemed her was a few moments where she doubted her place and Lloyd’s fate, and realizing the Overlord made the snake that killed her family. The latter is the big thing that makes her switch sides and attack the Overlord. Which, that could’ve easily been read as self preservation. But no it’s ‘her switching sides’.

We don’t even get an aftermath for her switching sides. Lloyd just says “She’s on our side now” and nothing else is done. She doesn’t even apologize! For goodness sake!

Like yeah, I can definitely understand people being angry at this.

Lloyd went out of his way to help his abuser. Someone who destroyed his life at one point and gave him PTSD from all of that. PTSD that prevented him from stepping out of his friend group and trusting others for a long time. And they treat it like the problem was that Lloyd didn’t consider ‘how to redeem her’. No. The burden is NOT on you to make things right in this scenario. The burden is on THEM.

So yes. I can definitely agree with this. I guess the only thing is that maybe it could’ve worked if there was another draft involved in the editing room, and I can’t deny it was good in the Oni Trilogy.

Idk how spicy of a take this is. Because I’ve seen others say the same things I’m saying. So I don’t think this take is all that unpopular. I’ve seen it everywhere all the time. But I guess to Llorumi shippers it’s a hot take.

I’ll give you a 4 for the Spiciness.

I’ll give you an 8 for the Agreement.

Anyone else want to say your hot takes? Reblog them on the original post!

[aerypear]

Journey to find Exspheres

It was a week since Ratatosk left the Ginnungagap. Emil insisted upon it after returning from living out his life in Aster’s stead. Ratatosk tried to decline but even Richter and the centurions pushed for it. Reflecting on the event annoyed him to no end. 

“Where am I to go? This is ridiculous-”

“Why not with Lloyd?” Emil interjected. Ratatosk surprised by the offer.

“Lloyd- why him?”

“He’s a really kind person and plus he could always use the help in collecting the exspheres.”

“Tch, Don’t be ridiculous. I doubt he’d want me to.”

Richter sighed at the two discussing the matter among each other “Then go and ask him, and if he declines you can return. I’m sure the arrangement we gave for Emil will be suitable for you as well.”

“Do be careful, however. Obviously you have to leave your abilities as Ratatosk with Lord Emil in the meantime, Lord Ratatosk.” Tenebrae chimed in as well.

“Fine. If it’ll get all of you to lay off the topic, I’ll go and ask.”

He shouldn’t have ever agreed to asking. Lloyd enthusiastically agreed, going on about how much fun it’ll be and radiated excitement. Of course Lloyd also suggest they ditch the Reihards so Ratatosk could experience the world more up close and personal. 

So there the two of them sat in the carriage, heading to the next location that Lloyd had a lead on. The first week was spent simply allowing Ratatosk to get used to not having certain abilities. He could still call upon centurions, but they insisted that was for emergency purposes. Tenebrae was the only one that was allowed to be called upon for general musings. However, he was still bitter about this whole thing. None of them were going to allow him to wallow. ‘It’d be good for him’ his ass. He didn’t deserve this. Not after what he did during the journey to find the centurions cores.

Lloyd seemed unbothered by the silence, though did periodically glance at Ratatosk who kept staring intently at the hands folded in his lap. What did bother Lloyd though was Ratatosk not looking at the passing scenery. After all, that’s why they were traveling on land! 

Lloyd scratched his cheek slightly, “Hey. Does being away from the Ginnungagap bother you? I recall you mumbling saying you were set up to ask by the others. You meant Emil, Richter and the centurions right?”

Ratatosk looked up before averting his gaze to the passing scenery. Well, at least he got Ratatosk to look at the land he supposed. “It doesn’t bother me.” a short answer.

“Did Emil enjoy the time spent with Marta? I recall Emil fretting about returning to the Ginnungagap because of the family he started with Marta.” Lloyd tried shock factor instead.

“Hmmm.. That so?” A bland response, not answering the question either.

“Ratatosk, if-”

“My name is a mouthful, pick something shorter.” Ratatosk’s red hues flicked to Lloyd’s face for a second before looking back to the road.

Lloyd blinked at the sudden request; It was a request right? Well, he was shocked by it regardless, but thought on it. “Emil’s no good, that could get confusing, and I suppose normal names wouldn’t be fitting... How about Rata!”

“Sure.” Ratatosk, now dubbed Rata didn’t even sound thrilled by the shortened name, just wanted something different.

Lloyd gave a small laugh. “Are you sure about it? I can think on something else?”

“Next you’ll come out with is Tosk, or Tato. Rata is fine.” He grumbled. 

“Tato sounds amusing though, I would have to tell Colette that-”

“Don’t. She already annoys Tenebrae with tenebie.” He really didn’t want to be called Tato.

“Ehh? But Tato might be something people might acknowledge as a real name.”

“You’re a Tato, an absolute potato.” Rata rolled his eyes, though Lloyd burst out laughing.

“Is that why you hate Tato? It sounds like you were hoping I’d say Rata.”

“Whatever.” plunging them both back into silence.

[rosiehunterwolf]

Twinkle, Twinkle, Are You There?

Prompts: Stars and Trauma

Word Count: 5,498

Characters: Lloyd (with reflection on Kai)

Timeline: During episode 82 (Dread on Arrival), with flashbacks to earlier seasons

Trigger Warnings: Claustrophobia, Kidnapping, PTSD, Self-Deprecation, Starvation, Dehydration

Summary: All he wanted to do was help his team. It was his mistakes that got them into this mess, after all. It would make sense that he was the one to get them out of it. But if there’s one thing Lloyd’s learned over the course of his life, it’s that things don’t have a habit of going his way.

That, and the fact that stars don’t make very good company.

Read on FFN.net

Read on Ao3

Tumblr work under the cut

The night was crisp and clear, with a blackness that enveloped the city in a blanket of stillness, the kind that only befell in the late summer. The city was quiet except for the faint sound of wailing sirens in the distance.

And, much closer, the shuffling of footsteps and clanking of chains.

“What do you want with me?” Lloyd hissed, yanking tightly at the restraints.

“Quiet, Garmadon,” Harumi hissed, and the chains suddenly tightened, causing him to nearly lose his footing as she stalked towards him. “For too long have I remained silent while you blathered on. No longer am I the Quiet One. Now it is my turn to speak.”

“Oh, so now I can’t even talk? I’m not your slave, Harumi.”

She grinned. “No, you certainly are not. But your time will come, don’t you worry.”

Her words sent a trickle of dread down his spine, and he gritted his teeth. “You won’t get away with this. My friends will stop you, and-”

Harumi laughed, long and cold. “Your friends? They are too late. There is no way those pesky little ninja will be able to stop us. Even if they do manage to get here before your father is freed, do you really think that they’ll try to stop us when you’re in danger?”

Lloyd’s throat ran dry. “What are you going to do to me?”

Harumi smirked. “What do you think? After everything you’ve done to me?” She laughed at the look on his face. “Don’t worry. I need you alive. For now. Dead bait isn’t half as effective as it is alive, after all.”

Silence stretched on as the Sons of Garmadon hauled him up a staircase. Killow shoved him from behind, and he stumbled, being sharply tugged back up by the Sons of Garmadon holding his chains. Lloyd grimaced, looking away.

After a few moments, Harumi began to sing softly. “The spider’s in the house, sleep, sleep. The spider bit the mouse-

Lloyd gritted his teeth. He had used to think that song was cute, but now it just put him on edge. Feeling anger surge up inside him, he felt the sudden urge to yell at her.

“So this is your true face without the mask. No wonder you covered it.”

“What did I say about speaking?” Harumi hissed, whipping around. “You think you’re so cocky, but you haven’t won. Far from it. How does it feel to lose for once, Lloyd?”

“Where are you taking me?”

Harumi tut-tutted, shaking her head. “So many questions. Normally, I would not appease you. But I feel like this will be of great interest to you.” She glanced at him, waiting for a reaction, but he remained silent. She sighed. “This is where the palace used to be. Trapped here all my life, I discovered something truly extraordinary. The destruction of the palace was something that had to be done, but… we took care to protect this place. The Temple of Resurrection.”

Lloyd swallowed. The Temple of… oh gosh, she really is going to do it. She’s really going to bring him back. She’s crazy, so crazy-

Harumi turned away from him as they reached a set of double doors. Pushing them open, she revealed a courtyard stretching out in front of them. Sons of Garmadon milled around, stopping and stepping to the side to clear a path as they caught sight of Harumi. A pedestal rose up in the middle of the space, and off to the side was a contraption with two cages. One was empty, the other-

“Mom!”

“Lloyd! What happened? Are you okay?”

One of the Sons of Garmadon poked a spear at her cage, silencing her.

“Let her go, Harumi. This is between us, and only us.”

Harumi laughed. “What has been between us? Your incompetence as the city’s protector by causing the release of the Great Devourer? Or something else? Because only one of those things are true, Lloyd. And honestly, that was entirely your fault. I’m just picking up the pieces.”

Leaning forward and letting her long, white hair swish close to his face, she whispered. “There is nothing between us, Lloyd. And there never has been.”

He jerked away, hating himself as an ache spread through his chest. He was losing nothing by letting go of her. He was better off without her. If only his stupid heart would just understand that.

“Aww, honey,” Harumi cooed, a mock look of pity on her face. “The truth hurts, doesn’t it? Nothing is more powerful than a blow to the heart. Especially on you.”

To his horror, Lloyd felt tears welling up in his eyes, and blinked furiously to disperse them. “Please, Harumi. This is my fault. Do whatever you want to me. But my mom is innocent. Let her go.”

“You’re right, this is all your fault. Which is precisely why I need to keep her around. I know you, Lloyd. You’d be far too happy to take the punishment yourself. One of your little ninja friends would’ve been ideal… you would’ve done anything I asked you then… but she’ll have to do for now. Knowing you, she should be enough.”

Turning towards the Sons of Garmadon restraining him, she flicked a hand at them. “Put him in the cage. I want the utmost security on him.”

His captors nodded, and his chains were yanked sharply, and he was roughly thrown into the cage, his breath knocked out of him for a moment.

His head spinning, he glanced up, seeing the long, curved metal bars stretching above him. A cold trickle of déjà vu slipped down his spine as the reality of his situation fully hit him.

No. No, no, no- Lloyd stumbled to his feet, lurching towards the cage door, just as it was slammed in his face.

“You’re not goin’ anywhere, kid. Behave yourself.”

He felt his heart rate pick up as the familiar panic began to set in. He couldn’t- this couldn’t be happening again. Not a damn cage again.

He- he was the green ninja. He was supposed to- he was supposed to look after his team, to lead them, but he- he always got caught and thrown in a stupid cage.

He threw himself against the bars, gripping them tightly as he leaned his face towards the sky, drinking in the fresh air. It was so small in here, he wanted to get out, to go home-

But that was always how it ended up, wasn’t it? Lloyd was always the one getting caught, always the one the others had to go out of their way to save.

He was a burden. An incompetent, helpless burden. This whole thing was his fault, just like it always was, because he was too weak to stop anyone from taking advantage of him. Him and his dumb, dumb heart.

And he had the nerve to call himself a ninja.

Except this time, it had been so, so, much worse. This time was different from the time with the Serpentine, or even Morro. This time, so many more people’s lives were going to be endangered because of him. Because his stupid, soft heart had decided to trust the girl that was now going to destroy the city.

Again, he had ruined everything.

My friends will fix my mistakes. She won’t win.

Harumi’s words echoed back to him. “Even if they do manage to get here before your father is freed, do you really think that they’ll try to stop us when you’re in danger?”

She was right. He hated that she was right. He was glad his friends loved him, but sometimes it would just be so much easier if they saved the city instead of him.

Opening his eyes, he gazed at the sky above. The night was moonless, the only light coming from the spattering of stars across the sky.

Those damn stars were always there. Why wouldn’t they just leave him alone?

---

The Lost City of Ouroboros, 2012

Lloyd eyed the lock at the front of his cage warily. Ugh, if only I had a pin.

Not that it mattered, anyway. The night was too dark for him to be able to see properly enough to pick the lock. And even if he did manage to get out, he wasn’t exactly unguarded. The city was crawling with Serpentine. And he didn’t stand a chance of sneaking- or fighting- his way past all of them, thanks to the ninja’s refusal to let him train with them.

His frustration dissipated quickly, and he glanced down at his hands, wringing the edge of his black hoodie. No, that wasn’t fair. The ninja had risked their lives trying to save him today. It hadn’t been that long ago that they had met- he was just some bratty kid they had fished off the street, one that had messed everything up for them. They didn’t owe him anything. The fact that they had done as much as they had for him, well-

It was a bit overwhelming, to be honest. No one had ever cared for Lloyd like that before.

The Darkley’s students had always hated him. He was lucky to go a week without being beat up or having bugs left in his bed. Brad had sort of been a friend, he guessed- but in the end, even he had abandoned him.

His mom had left him high and dry at Darkley’s- he didn’t even remember her. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to. And she obviously hadn’t cared enough to come back, or even to write, so… he didn’t think that was an issue he would have to worry about anytime soon.

And his father-

Lloyd really wanted to have hope for his father. He really did. But it seemed like whatever he did, it wasn’t enough. Why hadn’t his dad visited him or even sent him letters, like the other boys’ parents?

Releasing the Serpentine had been Lloyd’s last hope that his father would notice him. But, like everything else, it hadn’t worked. And now he realized that he had hurt people by doing it, too. Good, innocent people, like the ninja.

They were the closest thing he had to a family, now.

But that was just Lloyd being dumb. He had made life very difficult for all of them. Why would any of them ever return those feelings back? He was just making a fool of himself by even entertaining such a notion. Forgiveness was never that easy, something he knew firsthand.

But then they had come back for him, anyway, and Lloyd was left wondering if they really did care. They had fought so hard for him. Maybe he was a part of something, finally. He was afraid to hope.

And then they had nearly died, and he had taken it all back.

He wanted them to save him, to bring him back to the Bounty, to care for him, to love him like no one had before. But he couldn’t ask them to risk their own selves for him. He was an outsider to their family. He hadn’t been there over the past months, the past memories. He was just the bratty kid. Maybe they cared about him now, but they wouldn’t give up that safety and security just for him. He didn’t want them to.

He had tried to remind himself that this was what he wanted as he had watched them flee on the Samurai X mech, watched them take the Golden Weapons to safety. Good. That was much more important than him. They could come back for him any time. Everything was going to be okay.

But then, why did his chest feel so hollow as the mech flew into the distance, smaller and smaller until it was gone? Why hadn’t that feeling gone away even now, hours later?

Lloyd shrugged his shoulders, as if the motion could shake the feeling off. The bars of the cage dug into his back- although not as bad as when he had been shoved into lockers back at Darkley’s, it wasn’t a pleasant reminder- and he shifted, trying to get comfortable, but it was no use. Instead, he tried to focus his gaze outside the cage. Ourorboros was much less active at this time of night, but there were still too many snakes lurking around for his liking. Lloyd hated the sound of their scales slithering across the ground. He had thought, after Uncle Wu had taken him aboard the Bounty, and read him that book, that he would never have to see another snake again. What had he been thinking, going after the Serpentine like he did? Sure, he wanted to prove himself, but he was no ninja. He didn’t even want to be here.

He hadn’t really felt like it had been a choice, though. He had just wanted to fix his mistakes. But he had dug himself into a hole too deep for someone as little as him to climb out of. And going after the Serpentine had only made it deeper.

If only he was cool and awesome, like the ninja. They would know what to do.

He turned his gaze up to the sky, if only to look at something other than Serpentine. The moon was nowhere to be seen, but the stars shone down brightly on him, abundant out here in the desert. Lloyd stared up at them, breathless.

He had grown up in Darkley’s, which had been on the edge of Ninjago City, and after he had been kicked out, in those long weeks before he had come up with the brilliant- or now, he was realizing, insanely stupid- plan to release the Serpentine, he had only ventured farther into the city, hoping to find food and a place to sleep.

The point was, Lloyd had always been a city kid. Before he had gotten captured, he had never been out in the blistering sun in the Sea of Sand, where Jay had grown up, or in the depths of Birchwood Forest, former home of Zane, or even to the small little village of Ignacia where Kai and Nya had once called home. In the thick of the city, he was used to light pollution brightening the skies, the nights dull with only a scattering of stars visible.

But now, out here, in the middle of the desert, the night sky couldn’t be more different. The darkness above him was littered with so many bright, white specks that Lloyd couldn’t believe that so many stars even existed. Darkley’s had taught them typical school curriculum alongside their villainy lessons- in which Lloyd had been told that there were billions of stars in the galaxy, but he hadn’t really believed it before now.

Now, he was sure there must be trillions.

He remembered the ninja’s long nights on watch, and wondered how many stars were visible from his uncle’s monastery, and if the ninja liked to watch them, too. He did remember one night- when he was being a particular pain, Kai had dragged him outside with him in hopes that he would calm down. Lloyd hadn’t been paying much attention to the stars that night- too distracted to look up.

He would pay more attention next time. He bet that Kai would watch the stars with him. The red ninja had sat so patiently with him then, mostly quiet but making conversation every once and a while before they had settled back into the easy bouts of silence. He had even made Kai laugh once. That happy, rich sound had sent warmth spreading through Lloyd’s chest. He hadn’t really known what to make of it then, but now, sitting here, cold and alone except for Serpentine, Lloyd longed for that warmth again.

He wished Kai was here now.

Well, not here-here, he didn’t want him to be captured too, obviously, but he wanted to be with him, somewhere safe, far from any Serpentine, where they could watch the stars in peace.

Maybe they could’ve been, right now, if Lloyd hadn’t been such an idiot.

As much as he hated the fear that clamped at his chest anytime a Serpentine rattled too near, he hated the feeling of hopelessness and uselessness even more. Why did he have to mess up everything all the time? If it weren’t for him, the ninja could be having those peaceful evenings still, out on the rooftop.

Next time, he would be smarter. Next time, he would be a better brother. A better asset to the team.

But at this point, he wasn’t even sure if next time would be an option. He had read plenty of editions of Starfarer in his lifetime, and people like Lloyd didn’t usually get second chances.

But that hurt too much to think about. Instead, he turned to gaze at the stars.

That was the good thing about the stars, he supposed. No matter where he went, what he did, or how badly he messed up, they never left him.

---

The Fire Temple, 2012

Lloyd pulled his knees closer to his chest as hot, bubbling lava gurgled below him. For once, he was glad to have the bars around him- although he wasn’t sure how much protection they would be if the lava seeped up towards him. The Serpentine seemed to think that the volcano was perfectly safe, barely dazed by the oozing molten around them, but Lloyd wasn’t so sure.

At the very least, the heat was sweltering down here, where his cage sat only a few feet away from where the rock dropped way into the vat of lava. Serpentine perched on many of the other rocks jutting out of the lava, chipping away at them as they searched for the third Fangblade. Lloyd bit his lip, hoping they didn’t take the whole volcano down with them.

He kicked absently at a bit of rock that had strayed into the cage, watching as it fell down, into the lava with a gloop.

This sucked. He had been in this stupid cage for about a week now, and he was so tired and scared. Somehow, he hadn’t really expected this. In his mind’s eye, he had imagined getting gobbled up by the Serpentine after a day or two, or maybe even getting rescued. He hadn’t thought it would go on this long.

He tried to be like the ninja- to put on a brave face, stay strong, come up with a plan- but nothing came to him. He wasn’t a ninja. He just wanted his dad.

Nibbling on his lip, he looked up at the chunk of sky that he could see through the opening in the volcano. It was a much more limited view than the one he had seen back in Ouroboros, but the stars were still there, as bright and unyielding as ever.

These ones were especially fascinating, the lava casting a gentle glow on the stars, staining them a faint, burnt orange color. They almost seemed to pulse gently with the flickering lava, and Lloyd let himself forget about everything for a moment, just watching them.

It could’ve almost been peaceful, if it weren’t for his situation.

He leaned his head against the bars of the cage, despite the uncomfortableness. A slight quiver reverberated through the floor, reminding him of the unstableness of the ground beneath him.

Trying to think about something else, he turned his thoughts to the ninja instead. He wondered what they were doing now. Realistically, he knew they were probably trying to find a way to stop the Serpentine- maybe even coming to save him. He knew the idea should’ve brought him comfort, but for some reason, it just made his stomach ache. He didn’t want his friends to get hurt because of him.

Instead, he imagined them hanging out at the monastery. Jay flopped over the couch with a Starfarer comic (one he had probably stolen from Lloyd), Zane and Nya sprawled out on the floor as they played Stratego, glaring at each other icily from time to time, and Kai and Cole duking it out in Fist-to-Face 2, Kai balancing on his knees and practically smashing his controller as he got more agitated, while Cole’s demeanor was much more relaxed, although there was a fierce concentration in his eyes.

Lloyd let a smile play on his lips. The image felt so vivid, so real, and he clutched onto it, longing desperately for some connection- any connection- to the others.

Tears blurred his vision. It wasn’t enough, just imagining them. He needed them. He was going crazy in here, and the slimy Serpentine were terrible company.

Looking back up at the sky, he let his gaze fall on the North Star. Lloyd didn’t know much about constellations or different stars, but he knew that one. It wasn’t too hard to spot, especially on this dark night- bigger and brighter than all the rest.

Lloyd remembered what Brad had told him back at school- that supposedly you could see this star from anywhere. It was a guide, a wayfinder, a path back to home.

Biting his lip, he glanced around to see if anyone was watching him. No one was- of course they weren’t, why would they be- so he turned his gaze on the North Star and whispered under his breath.

“Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might, have this wish I wish tonight.”

Closing his eyes, he thought the wish in his head as hard as he could- saying it out loud would make it not come true, of course- and hoped against all odds, that this time, for once, his wish would actually be granted.

Opening his eyes again, he fixated on the star again.

Maybe, wherever the ninja were, they were watching that star, too.

---

Stiix, 2015

If there was ever a time in his life that Lloyd had wished he had brought a jacket with him, it was now.

Not that he had really had an opportunity to get a jacket in the first place- it would’ve had to been when he had first gone down to investigate that stupid museum robbery, weeks ago at this point- but his point still stood. He was freezing.

A cold breeze rattled eerily through the bars of his cage, swaying it slightly, and Lloyd pulled the dirty, worn mess that was his gi tighter around him. Alright, he got that Morro wanted him to suffer in every way possible, but did he really have to hang his cage all the way up here?

Another gust rocked the cage a little harder, and Lloyd grabbed hold of the bars, whiteknuckling as he tried not to look at the churning waters of the lake not too far to his right. It was all too easy to imagine the cage rolling into the dark, choppy waves if a strong enough gust were to knock him loose.

The hands that gripped the cage bars were pale and trembling, so that Lloyd barely recognized them as his own. He cursed himself- even this brief, fleeting moment of relief from Morro’s possession really wasn’t much of a relief at all because of how much his body was screaming in agony. He was so weak, and even if, by some miracle, an opportunity was presented for him to escape, he would never be able to take it. He wasn’t even sure if he could move.

As if to accentuate his point, Lloyd’s stomach suddenly growled loudly, agonizing cramps ripping through it as he curled in on himself, moaning. He couldn’t even remember the last time he had eaten. He bit his lip, trying to distract himself from the unbearable hunger pangs. Even Cole’s nasty chili sounded heavenly about now, and he felt himself start to cry as he thought of the black ninja, wishing his friend was here now, with or without food.

But the only person there was Ronin. Lloyd craned his neck to peer through the hole in the roof of the man’s pawn shop. Ronin was scowling, his hands securely tied up behind his back as he glared at the floor. He was looking a little better than he had a half hour ago, his skin less of an ashy shade, and some of the color seeping back into his cheeks, but he still was slumped over weakly, trembling slightly.

Even though Lloyd hardly knew him, he felt his heart go out to the man. He was one of the few people in Ninjago who knew how it felt, to be possessed by a ghost- and honestly, Lloyd was impressed that Ronin had recovered this much in such a short amount of time. The first time Lloyd had been released from Morro’s grip, it… well, he preferred not to relive the memories, but it had not been pretty.

Suddenly, he caught sight of a flicker of translucent green glide past Ronin, and Lloyd lurched back from the edge, pressing his back against the opposite side of the cage, gasping. He was still lurking around. Lloyd didn’t even want to look at him, he didn’t want to think about how, all too soon, the ghost would be slipping back inside him, filling his mind, taking over his bones-

Lloyd cut off the flow of thoughts violently, breathing heavily as he tried to contain it. He- he couldn’t think about that now. There would be plenty of time for trauma later, but now his poor body couldn’t handle anymore.

Trying to get his pounding heart to slow, Lloyd swallowed- and immediately regretted it as his throat seared. Ow, he groaned silently, not daring to speak. His throat felt impossibly dry- Morro had given him some water a little while ago, after he was safely out of Lloyd’s body, but the stale, warm liquid had done little to alleviate the raging heat in his throat. Just the thought of water made his head throb, and Lloyd clutched tightly onto the bars, trying not to pass out.

He had barely gotten over his dizzy spell when his stomach suddenly cramped again, loud gurgles and whines bubbling from it as he braced himself.

The pain came much worse than any time before, and it was only the promise of pain from his throat that kept him from crying out. The cramping continued to flare for much longer than usual, and Lloyd began breathing heavier, tears pricking his eyes as he prayed for relief, which came a few moments later, slowly and reluctantly.

Dammit, I haven’t had it this bad since my days wandering the streets, back when I was nine. How long has it been since I last ate?

He hoped Morro would feed him soon. The ghost would need to put some fuel in Lloyd’s body if he wanted to continue to use it, and Lloyd wasn’t sure how much longer he could run without food. If he didn’t get anything soon, he would probably have to ask Morro to give him something, which was always humiliating because the ghost always found some way to make him beg for what he wanted.

It wasn’t like he could ask for anything in this state, anyway. Why did it feel like every part of his body was actively trying to kill him?

Needing something- anything- to distract him from his pain, he found himself looking up for the first time since he had been there.

The night skies of Stiix were breathtaking, stars littering the air like glitter. Even with everything going on, Lloyd felt himself stop for a minute, taking in the beauty of it all.

It would’ve been a perfect night to go stargazing, back home.

Lloyd’s fascination with the stars hadn’t faded since his capture in the desert all those years ago, and he had kept his promise to himself to keep watching them. The others would accompany him once in a while, although he sensed that it was mostly just so that he wouldn’t be alone.

Kai’s feelings, however, had always been more genuine. He and his friend had spent hours studying the different constellations, charting the stars, and going out on the prime stargazing nights. The outings weren’t just about the stars, either. They would chat for hours- about silly things, serious things, or nothing at all. Out there, alone in the darkness, it had just been the two of them and the stars. There had been something intimate and comforting about it, especially on the hard nights. If he was having nightmares again, all he would have to do was wake Kai up and they would go, no questions asked. Sometimes they talked about it, sometimes they didn’t. But what was important was that Kai was always there, as unfading and unfaltering as the stars themselves.

Yet here he was, the stars shining above him, and Kai was miles from here. The last time he had seen him, Lloyd had tried to kill him. His best friend.

No, he reminded himself fiercely. That was Morro in control then. I saved Kai’s life by fighting back.

But he should’ve done more. He had seen his friend escape with cuts and wounds, while Kai had tried so hard to not hurt Lloyd.

Damn, none of that mattered. Kai would forgive him, he always did. Lloyd just wanted to see him again. He’d know what to say to make Lloyd feel better.

Or, at least, he would just hug him. Lloyd really wanted to be held. The only person who had touched him recently was the ghosts, who more so phased through him than touched him.

Wrapping his arms around himself, he looked up at the stars again. Maybe Kai was staring up at them now, too, thinking of him.

The thought made a smile flicker across his lips, and for a moment, he thought he felt a shoulder pressing against his.

He turned his head. No one was there. Of course they weren’t.

Lloyd looked back at the stars desperately, longing for the sensation again. But, unsurprisingly, nothing happened. He had just imagined it.

It was just Lloyd and the stars, together again, yet lonelier than ever.

---

The Temple of Resurrection, Present Day

Lloyd gasped, blinking back the tears that were welling in his eyes. The sky above him came into sharper focus as he did so. But this time, when he gazed up, he didn’t get the little skip in his heart he always felt when watching the stars. Perhaps it had something to do with being so deep in the city, but they felt colder and more distant than usual.

Even the stars were against him tonight, it seemed.

Maybe his luck had finally run out.

That was probably for the best. It seemed like every time Lloyd got himself captured, Kai managed to plunge himself headfirst into danger, and would almost get himself killed.

Lloyd really hated that about him. If Kai ever died trying to save him, he would never forgive himself. It would be better for everyone if they stayed far away from here.

But then Harumi will succeed in bringing my father back.

Lloyd put his head down. He didn’t know what to do. He just wanted everyone to be safe, but he always managed to mess things up, to throw a wrench in their plans.

And this time, he had messed up so much worse. His father was going to come back, the city was going to be destroyed, Harumi was going to win.

And this time, he didn’t know how to fix it.

Suddenly, a flash caught the edge of his vision, and Lloyd whipped his head towards it, sucking in his breath. A shooting star. He hadn’t seen one of those in years.

Those are lucky, he thought, unbidden. For special wishes.

He was being silly. That was just a dumb old superstition. He wasn’t a little kid anymore, he had stopped wishing on stars a long time ago.

“Make a wish, Lloyd.”

“Go away, Kai,” he grumbled. “You’re not really here. The last thing I need is the Sons of Garmadon laughing at me for talking to myself.”

The red ninja pointed to the sky. “You’re going to miss it.”

“I’m not going to wish on that stupid star, okay?”

“Why won’t you do it anymore? I miss when we used to talk about the stars.”

“Yeah, well, I’m not a kid anymore.”

“It’s never too late, bud.”

“Yes, it is!”

“Why?”

“Just leave me alone!”

When he looked up again, Kai- or rather, the illusion of Kai- was gone.

“... because I can’t,” he whispered, to whom, he didn’t know. “Not anymore. My life hasn’t been that simple for a long time. Even the luckiest of wishing stars isn’t going to change that.”

Closing his eyes, he blocked out the twinkling lights above him, letting his vision succumb to blackness.

[imthepointe]

We’re Not Really Strangers

Jay’s not really sure why Cole has always been so touchy with him, but he decides to welcome the physical contact- to an extent. And so he resigns himself to a great and terrible boundary of friendly intimacy with his best friend; more than strangers but never more than friends, perhaps destined for something greater.

In which Jay is one-hundred percent, entirely straight.

a/n: 4302 words, tw for internalized homophobia

When Jay first met Cole, he first noticed his arms. His really nice, lean, smooth arms. They were unusually buff for a thirteen-year-old, and reflected years of mountain climbing and muscle building. The very next thing he thought was what? because that was a weird thing to notice in a guy.

In his reckless adolescence, the little lightning ninja chalked this first and silent observation up to the fact that pre-teens shouldn’t be so buff and that it was only natural for him to notice Cole’s inherent, smoulder-y attractiveness.

Because Jay liked girls. He liked their skin, their long hair, and…

It doesn’t matter. Jay liked girls, exclusively.

Five years later Jay can’t imagine a life without Cole. He’s his partner in fighting, combat, and training, but also in just day-to-day life. Their conversations range from fighting about which flavor of ramen is best to more serious topics such as relationships...with family.

Jay remembered when Cole had first opened up to him about losing his mother and his rocky relationship with his father. He had looked down, until finally, Jay scooted just a little bit closer to him. His side pressed into Cole’s, and the earth ninja crumbled, allowing himself to be emotional and sincere. And when it was all over, Cole put his hands on Jay’s and thanked him; Jay ignored the warmth in his chest, attributing it to the vulnerability of the conversation and the delicacy of the talk.

But Cole’s physical presence persisted. It started during gaming nights, when the two were so close they were practically on top of one another, their thighs touching and oh god Cole’s bicep flexing against Jay’s arm as he gripped the game controller tighter.

Jay decided he didn’t mind the contact and allowed Cole to continue being close.

During training, Cole would not miss any opportunity to help Jay stand from the ground, extending hand to help him up and gently pulling the blue ninja to his feet. During physical combat training, Cole would win- and rather it was because Jay liked when Cole would swiftly pin him down to the ground or simply because the earth ninja was a better fighter than he, Jay wasn’t sure.

As they were sitting for dinner, Cole’s hand would brush against Jay’s. It was fleeting and probably an accident.

This was the problem: Jay found himself thinking about Cole’s muscles much more than he thought about kissing nameless girls. But he maintained that it was only because Cole was his best friend and naturally a pretty handsy guy- not to mention he does have stellar muscles, anyway, so it was only natural that they were noticeable to Jay.

But this resolve crumbled one hot summer day during training. They were both seventeen.

“You all have such cool places to keep your weapons,” Jay complained. Kai, Zane, Cole, Jay, and Lloyd were all out in the monastery’s courtyard, taking a small break from the morning’s rigorous training.

“Do we?” Zane asked, quirking an eyebrow.

“Yes,” Jay said, dragging the “s” sound. “I just have to carry my nunchucks.”

Kai suggested he get a belt that would hold them, and Jay liked that idea, until the belt finally came.

Kai had made it for him. Jay was grateful- he really was- but this was by god the ugliest thing he had ever laid eyes on. Not to mention it weighed about as much as he did, and it hardly even was able to hold his nunchucks.

But as to not disappoint the fire ninja, he tried to put it on. Tried. Unfortunately- or perhaps fortunately, Jay’s not sure- Kai was also not an expert in design and practical effectiveness.

“Kai, this buckles in the back,” Jay said. “I can’t get it on.” Internally, Jay breathed a sigh of relief. At least he for sure didn’t have to put the belt on now.

But when Cole offered to help him put the belt on, he quickly accepted.

So Cole took the belt and knelt down beside the blue ninja, buckling the buckle (in the back!) with gentleness and care. All throughout practice, Jay found himself annoyed by the cumbersome feeling of the belt, even if he did have a place to store his nunchucks. But, the next day, when Cole offered to help him put the belt on again, Jay said yes before his mind could catch up.

Jay was uncomfortably comfortable with it all. When he should be trying to focus on training, all he can think about was Cole’s warm and calloused hands gently touching his hips, steadying them to buckle his stupid little nunchuck belt.

The third night after the belt incident, the lightning ninja was in his room, mentally reprimanding himself for stewing over Cole’s likely innocent acts of kindness- not because he wasn’t grateful for Cole’s help and generosity, he really was, but because he should be used to Cole’s touchiness by now.

And that was that. Cole has always been a little bit more physical in his...affections, and had no issue giving gentle touches and reassuring looks to anyone. That was right, Jay supposed. It didn’t matter because the entire situation was just Cole being the nice guy that he was. If it had been Zane with a belt fiasco, the earth ninja wouldn’t have hesitated to help him clasp the buckle either. Jay wasn’t even sure why he was so worked up about the whole thing anyways.

He dismissed the thought. Plus, no matter how physical Cole was, it didn’t matter, because Jay liked girls anyways. He really liked Nya, who, despite being the only girl he had ever had some sort of connection with beside his mother, seemed to like him too.

So he drifted off to sleep, dreaming about kissing her... but everytime he closed his eyes and conjured up this mental picture, she didn’t have a face.

---

A week later, after dinner, Jay and Cole were alone playing some game when the black ninja set his controller down and assumed an aura of stoic-ness about him.

“What’s up?” Jay asked.

“I’m bisexual,” Cole responded.

Jay’s mouth hung wide for a moment, before he mustered a smile and a “cool!” and cracking some stupid joke like leave it to you to overachieve. But he had also noticed the strength and vulnerability of Cole’s tone. When he came out then, he might have been scared, but he wasn’t afraid. Jay even remembered finding it admirable how relaxed Cole remained.

And then the moment was over, ending with Cole muttering “just wanted to let you know.” Jay didn’t mind, and they resumed gaming.

Minutes later, the door opened to reveal Kai, Lloyd, Zane, and Nya.

“C’mon, lovebirds, Wu wants us to try out some new training technique. He said-”

“Lovebirds? That’s a new one, Kai,” Cole interrupted, a light and playful smile on his face. He seemed to be handling Kai’s words with considerably more lightheartedness, either not putting more than two cents to Kai’s words or just not caring regardless.  

But Jay cared, a lot. He jumped from the couch and met Kai’s eyes.

“And at least I’m straight!” Jay shouted in a valiant display of defense, perhaps more as a reminder to himself than the others. He felt his cheeks burn and his stomach twist; he regretted saying that almost immediately.

(Jay would spend the next week regretting his reaction, loathing himself for his intonation and word choice. Soon, though, the regret turned into a serious analysis of why he cared so much about Kai’s tease, but this rhetorical question stumped even Jay’s genius. Because- in that moment- Jay wanted whatever it was Kai thought he and Cole were.

The lightning ninja came to the conclusion that he and Cole were naturally going to be drawn to spend time together, because obviously. They were best friends, and Jay couldn’t imagine not spending time alone with the earth ninja. It’s what kept their friendship so strong.)

“Okay, uh,” Kai stammered, glancing to the side, as if he were trying to avoid something. “It was a joke. I was kidding.”

Nya scoffed. “Let’s just go,” she said, turning to leave. Lloyd and Zane followed her path in suit, presumably towards the monastery’s courtyard to do whatever it was Wu wanted them to do. Then Kai inhaled quickly and turned, and Jay made a move to follow, but something stopped him.

He spared a final glance back at Cole, who he expected to still have a kind expression. Instead, he was sitting on the couch, head in his hands, and cheeks twinged ever so slightly pink.

Jay shook his head and left him alone.

They didn’t practice together that night; Jay practiced with Nya and left Cole alone with Lloyd. Afterwards, everyone had gone inside to shower and head to bed, save for he and Nya.

“Hey,” she called. “Thank you for practicing with me tonight.” Jay’s shoulders stiffened.

Surely it was at least 11 at night by now, completely dark outside. He could hardly see Nya standing directly in front of him.

“You’re welcome. I…” he trailed off, trying to think of something he should say. “I really wanted to. And you’re a good partner.”

“Yeah?”

Jay smiled. “Yeah.”

Then their hands brushed. It was silent for a moment, the only sound the small, labored breaths coming from the two ninjas. They were close, and Jay was elated. This was exactly how it was supposed to happen. This is always how it happened in the books he read or the shows he watched.

Then Nya smiled, and Jay smiled, and then he kissed her.

He supposed it was nice. Even though he couldn’t really see her, he liked kissing Nya. He had thought about it for quite some time. They pulled apart, and Jay looked at her once more, as if he had just seen her in this light for the very first time.

“Thanks again, Jay,” she whispered. The water ninja turned to head inside, but he stopped her, catching her hand.

“Nya,” he said, and it sounded more like a question than a statement. “I like you. I really like you.”

“But you wish I was Cole?”

Jay felt his heart drop and face flush, before he was spitting defenses left and right. That was not what he was expecting after he kissed the girl of his dreams.

Nya didn’t know what he felt. How could she? But as Jay almost expected himself to be angry with her, he wasn’t. His heart began to rapidly beat, and suddenly he wanted to leave this conversation so badly he probably would have faced a djinn again if it meant he could wish this all away.  

“Don’t play dumb, Jay,” she laughed. Her smile was kind. “You two hold hands all the time. I’ve seen the way you look at him. You just think you like me.” She took his hand, despite the fact that it was shaky and sweaty from anxiety.

“Listen to me, Jay. Take a deep breath.”

The lightning ninja almost protested, but remained silent, deciding anything he said might just dig himself deeper. “I think you’re great,” Nya began. “But…” she looked off in the distance, probably at the mountains far away. “Trust me. Think about it, and you can talk to me later if you want. Truth is, Jay, I love you, and care for you. And I’m observant.” She let go of his hand, gave his shoulder a squeeze, and went inside the monastery, leaving him alone.

He had one single, fleeting, yet distinct thought as he watched her turn away: Nya’s never been wrong before.

---

Somewhere between denial and anger and bargaining and depression there was Jay. Cole- or, at least, the thought of him- started to keep him up at night, in a real bad way, because every time he closed his eyes he saw him. It was like a rhythm known only to him, the way Jay would push the earth ninja as far away as possible from him during the day but at night wish he was closer than ever.

He was repelling Cole, ever since that night, that terrible, terrible night, when Cole trusted him and when Nya stepped out of her place. He didn’t want to, though. Still, Jay took no initiative to restore their intimacy they once had, even though his heart ached for it.

Of course, though, nothing gold can stay; as the weekly movie night rolled around, he found himself sitting next to the black ninja on the couch, maybe just a little too close for comfort.

But the chosen movie is boring. He was looking at the screen, yes, but his mind was somewhere else- maybe on Cole, whose head was nearly resting on his shoulder, asleep soundly and taking in small, shallow breaths; maybe it was on Nya, who was watching the movie, seemingly very interested in whatever the plot was but probably not really; or Kai, Lloyd, Zane, and Pixal, the latter of which were holding hands and smiling, and Kai and Lloyd fixated on the movie.

See, that was the thing about relationships Jay never really understood. How did Zane know he liked Pixal? Zane was a robot. How did he ever fall for her? Was it human nature, or lack thereof? Or something more innate?

“I believe the term for it is ‘pansexuality,’’' Zane had once said, a couple months ago. “I love Pixal because of who they are. I do not think it is in my coding to see...” he paused, thinking. “...gender. I simply love her regardless, and they love me. I firmly believe that’s what matters most.”

Jay had liked that. Maybe he could be comfortable with that, but his eyes drooped from fatigue before he could stew over it any more.

When he finally awoke, he and Cole had shifted considerably. Everyone else was gone- the movie probably long over- but Cole was nearly on top of him, curled into his side, his face relaxed and soft from sleep. His hair is brushed over onto his face in soft waves, his eyelashes fluttering, mouth slightly open.

Surely Jay must be half-asleep, because he feels the urge to continue dozing like that, his arms wrapped around Cole and at ease in his comfortable presence. But there’s something else, too: a warning. His mind was screaming at him, telling him that this was too close, that friends don’t touch like this. Sure, he and Cole had always displayed their friendship in more physically intimate ways, but this was too far…

He pried himself out of Cole’s arms, stumbling off the couch.

“Jay…?”

Cole had sat up from his position, eyes weary and dreamy. Jay just smiled, ignoring the flushing panic and embarrassment- oh, god- burning bright. “It’s late,” he said. “Go to your room and sleep.”

He did. And Jay somehow managed to make it back to his room, too, despite nearly falling over into Cole’s arms multiple times from the sheer self-humiliation of it all.

---

It went like this: Jay spent half of the next day lying to himself, that no, he did not want to be in a relationship with his best friend who happens to be a guy, and then the later half realizing that he had been lying to himself for much, much longer than a day.

He and Cole weren’t just friends. They weren’t acquaintances, but for some reason, it felt like they were strangers all over again. If they were taken back to the very first day they met- brand new faces, a fresh start- would things have gone differently now that Jay...knew?

He didn’t want to really be lovesick strangers. He wanted something forever. The most terrifying part- besides maybe Nya being right- was that his entire being was yearning for a relationship with Cole.

His mind was racing all through dinner that night, meaning he had nothing to say. It had been an easy day, no missions, just lazing around, and Jay hated it, because he needed something to preoccupy himself with. Nya spared him a few loving glances with a glint of mischievousness in her eye, but otherwise, no one seemed to notice his unusual silence.

After dinner, Jay busied himself; he didn’t think a single thing when he saw Nya tell Cole something, and then when Cole precariously disappeared out of the monastery, and after dinner was over, he volunteered to clean the kitchen. Zane had thanked him, and Jay was alone to wipe down the counters and do the dishes.

Methodical and logical- cleaning was a matter of the brain, not the heart, and thank the FSM for it. The blue ninja’s heart was growing tired. He cleaned until the kitchen was spotless, then retreated to his bedroom.

It was too cramped. Everywhere reminded him of Cole, of Nya; the picture on his nightstand, the one on his desk, where he could see his hand wrapped loosely around Cole’s pinky finger. He needed out, and he needed out fast, and he just needed a place to collect his thoughts and get some fresh air.

It was at least midnight by now, but Nya was in the living room, so he told her where he was going to make sure no one worried (a habit formed due to the unnaturally large number of times one of them has been kidnapped, or worse.)

“I’m going for a walk,” he mentioned in passing.

“Really?” she didn’t sound surprised. “It’s late.”

Jay fidgeted. “Yeah, I’m sure. Plus it’s a nice night out. I’ll be fine.”

“Okay.”

He walked out of the monastery and into the courtyard, relishing in the initial breeze that hit him. He would walk down the mountain and back up and be fine.

But a walk turned into a jog, and soon into a sprint. He wondered briefly why he thought he could run away from this realization, leaving it all behind in his bedroom at the monastery. And at least, for a few moments, it succeeded; the burning sensation in his chest and side stitches gnawing at his muscles made him completely forget about the whole situation. But soon, he asked himself why he was running down the monastery’s mountain, and the whole thing came back to Jay, and he audibly groaned.

He wished things could return to normal. He wished he could be normal. But for now, he was only concerned about placing one leg in front of the other as fast as he could despite the strong protest of his lungs.

He quickly tired out, doubling over to place his hands on his knees as soon as he reached the bottom of the mountain. The warm midsummer night breeze offered little reprieve from neither his anxiety nor his feelings for Cole.

“Jay?”

Speak of the devil.

It must have been an odd sight, Jay thought, to see him there, just after 12 at night, heaving and sweating to no end.

Jay sucked in a breath. “What are you doing here?”

“What am I doing here…” Cole trailed off, before glaring at Jay. “What are you doing here?”

Jay couldn’t meet his eyes. His heart was beating out of his chest, and no, it wasn’t from his impromptu run down a mountain. The FSM must have been playing some sick joke on him, because not only was he facing a life-altering realization tonight, now he had to face said person who had been the catalyst for this life-altering realization.

What the fuck.

Cole’s face shifted from that of possibly some unreadable shock to concern. “I was watching the stars, but I take it that was not what you were doing,” he sighed, taking one step closer to him. “Jay, what are you doing here,” he repeated slowly.

The prospect of explaining the entire thing to Cole seemed silly. Maybe because Cole should already know, or maybe because he had been in denial for nearly five years of his feelings and oh god the anticipation and anxiety were overwhelming. And so Jay opened his mouth to say something to Cole that might satisfy his queries, but all that came out was a choked sob.

The tears began and didn’t stop, not when Cole reached out a strong and steady arm and whispered reassurances like “hey, it’s okay,” and “shh, there.” The tears didn’t stop when Cole said “let’s get you inside,” and swooped Jay up in his arms and carried him all the way up the monastery’s steps up the mountain.

Jay cried harder at the prospect that this might be the last time he’s ever in Cole’s arms like this, bridal style.

And finally, Cole made it inside, shirt stained from tears that weren’t his and dotted with sweat from Jay’s temple. He took Jay to his bedroom and laid him down on his bed, before covering him up and sitting on the foot of his bed, as far away from arm’s reach as possible.

“Do you want to talk about it?” He asked.

Jay sniffed pathetically, sitting up from where the earth ninja had tucked him in.

This time, Jay instigated the closeness.

He slid his hand towards Cole, close but not touching. The other ninja held out his arms, and for the first time in a week, Jay quickly consented to falling into his embrace. It was a warm hug, with Cole’s strong, sturdy arms around Jay’s shaking frame.

Jay spoke, voice just above a whisper. “I think I might be gay. Or something. I dunno. Men.” Cole hugged him tighter, and the embrace grew more sincere.

Cole was about to say something, but Jay shushed him, as he had become aware enough to realize that a.) this might be far too intimate and b.) he just made Cole carry him, crying, all the way from the base of the mountain to the top.

“I’m sorry,” he said, and he was overcome with some relief that had been just out of grasp for the last five years. He pulled away from Cole and wiped his eyes. “I’m not sure why I’m crying.”

“That’s okay,” Cole smiled. “I don’t mind.”

“No, I’m serious,” Jay said. The pair remained quiet, eyes downcast, some unspoken feelings of tension hanging in the air. “ I came to terms with my sexuality and then I- I just ran all the way down the monastery mountain like a lunatic and I probably really smelly and gross and you still hugged me and carried me. I’m sorry.”

Cole gave a soft smile and a small, gentle laugh that made Jay’s stomach flip, but he could almost sense the upcoming conversation:

Hey, Jay, how’d you realize you might be queer?

Oh, nothing, besides the fact that I often pictured your face on Nya’s when I kissed her (once) and that you sitting right here in front of me makes it pretty easy!

Jay nearly squeaked- yeah, no thanks. He’d rather not do that tonight. Instead, he laid back down on Cole’s bed.

“We don’t have to ever talk about it, if you don’t want to. But I do want you to know that this won’t change anything between us, okay? Like- I won’t stop being your friend…”

Jay felt a twinge of guilt, so he closed his eyes, perhaps pretending to be overcome with sleepiness.

“...and I’ll still love and support you unconditionally. As a partner and friend. Nothing will change because you’re gay, I promise.”

The lightning ninja isn’t sure what spunk possessed him in that moment, but when he found himself saying “what if I want things to change?” before his mind could think clearly, he nearly punched himself square in the jaw for his sheer audacity.

Cole blinked from the foot of the bed. “What?”

Jay composed himself, staring at the ceiling, and decided it was now or never to confess his feelings. “What I guess I mean is that I’d be okay with a change. Maybe not for the worst. Because I like you, Cole. Like- like like you. And you’ve always been touchy with me, and now I want those touches and hand holdings and long hugs to mean something.”

At first he was afraid he had upset Cole, because the black ninja didn’t say anything for what seemed like an eternity. But then, in a swift and fluid movement, he was lying in his bed beside Jay and spooning him.

“This means something,” he said. “And really, for me at least, it always has.”

Jay cuddled into Cole. This was nice. And now that he was comfortable, it was even better. No more suppressed feelings, no more denial. He could admire Cole for who he truly was- yes, a good training partner, with nice wavy black hair and dark skin that looks like amber in the afternoon light and biceps and abs that could rival a god, but also as a crush. A support. A partner...not only for training.

Jay was nearly asleep in Cole’s arms when he whispered, “can I kiss you?”

The earth ninja looked at Jay. “I’ve been waiting for you to since the day I met you,” he said, and their lips met with enthusiastic and warm vitality. Cole’s lips were soft, a stark contrast to his muscular body, and Jay wondered why he didn’t do this sooner.

“By the way,” Jay whispered, “I always hated the feeling of the nunchuck belt. I just let you put it on me because I liked the way your hands felt around my waist.”

“And you just now realized you’re gay?”

---

Nya peeked into the room and, admittedly, felt a little relieved when she saw Jay in Cole’s arms, both sound asleep.

She was so glad she had told Cole to go stargazing that night.

[cafe-con-chaos]

DEH Movie Rant (cuz the trailer's out)

(Mostly nitpicking because this is my special interest and I'm really mad about it)

(TL;DR under the cut)

Then there's the whole thing with Larry being Connor and Zoe's stepdad. I don't understand why they couldn't have just cast 2 biracial actors to play them. If they wanted to have Larry be played by a latino actor for the sake of diversity, then they should've cast Connor and Zoe as biracial. It takes away fron the family dynamic of the Murphy's being a picture perfect family. The whole reason they are the way they are is to show that mentally ill people can come from any household, even a seemingly stable one. Though the Murphy's definitely weren't stable, society would've seen 2 kids and married parents and considered it stable. It doesn't work well and affects the whole storyline in a major way.

So! The hair. I can't deal with it. It makes Ben Platt (who's already too old for the role) somehow look older? Something else I thought about is the fact that Evan has anxiety. It's clear that some of it is around his appearance since he always wears clothes that seem neat and organized. His hair does not reflect that whatsoever. It's messy when everything else about him is not.

EDIT: originally when I wrote this, I didn't think about the fact that it's Ben's natural hair. I'm ok with it being in the style but I still think it should be shorter.

Then there's Connor's hair. Specifically that it's short. Long hair is a big part of his apperance. The way his hair is reflects how he is during the musical. It reflects how he had been falling deeper into depression since it's relatively unkept. In the movie? The exact opposite. It's cleaner than Evan's. Connor also looks less intimidating with short hair. His whole appearance takes away from the vibe he's supposed to give off/gives off in the musical. The stereotypical school stoner vibe.

Then there's Alana. I love her (as I've made clear from my multiple appreciation posts) and I'm a little excited for her to finally get a song. I'm worried that it'll affect the storyline though. There's nothing much about that right now (since the song isn't out) but I'm hoping it adds to the story and isn't the writers just throwing a song at her. The only thing I have against Alana for this is the colorism. Kristolyn Lloyd was dark skinned and they (as always) cast Amandla Stenberg. I don't know why they keep casting her in roles for dark skinned women.

The other thing that is more of a personal issue with the movie is how the dialogue is gonna be changed. Just because of the way Jared's line about the letter in the trailer felt weird without a sex joke for some reason. I'm also a little worried that the lyrics for Sincerely, Me might be changed.

I'm also worried that some songs may be cut for run time and movie purposes. I don't know how that's gonna work but I gurantee I will be mad if Disappear gets cut. That song means a lot to me and others and it wouldn't feel right to cut it. Especially since it leads well into You Will Be Found.

Anywayy that's my rant so...

TL;DR Ben Platt's too old, the hair sucks and changes the characters. The rewrite for Larry as a stepfather is stupid. Yay Alana song, boo colorism. If Disappear goes, I quit

[williamismyhomeboy]

Interview from www.popmusicfan.com 2005

If you only choose one new band to listen to this year, don't let it be anyone other than The Academy Is. With a brand new debut CD out on Fueled by Ramen records and a tour with labelmates Fall Out Boy and Gym Class Heroes, this band is ready to show everyone that they take their music seriously -- but still have fun while doing it. We hung out with lead singer William Beckett on the April 14th stop of their tour and somehow braved the freezing Florida weather.

How's the tour going so far? William: Well, the tour has been pretty spectacular so far. This is our first tour having had the record out and it's been really overwhelming, the response from people and from the other bands as well. We're good friends with all the bands on tour, we didn't know Silverstein until like two days ago, but they're really cool guys. But yeah, it's been great, I miss Midtown... but there's always next time. If you had to choose three bands for the ultimate tour, either to go see or to play with, who would you choose and why? William: Fleetwood Mac because I love Fleetwood Mac, they're one of the great rock bands that did it in a pop way, in a really classy way, too. Led Zepplin.. to go see or to go play with? Jennifer: Either one. William: Oh, yeah, it'd be the same anyway. Pink Floyd, I wouldn't want Pink Floyd because it'd be bad to play with them, they're just too conceptionally profound. Their show is far too extravagant, we'd look like amateurs. Jennifer: Well, if you were just going to see them... William: Oh, yeah, so Pink Floyd. What are your pet peeves about the other guys in the band? William: I've never been asked this before, this is interesting. Yeah, there's a lot. It's a cool thing about being in the band, you never spend that much time with anyone ever. Even married couples don't spend that much time together and that's not even just one on one, that's seven or eight dudes sleeping on a bus. So yeah, we have our differences, just being different people, having different personalities. One day we'll be in a bad mood, one day we'll be in a good mood, one day someone will smell bad and we won't, you know... But for the most part, it's a really brotherly love/hate relationship like most brothers and sisters. For us, we're like a family, the way that we sort of stick it through, for the most part. If you found out you were adopted and you had two celebrities as your birth parents, who would you want them to be and why? William: Wow, I haven't been asked these questions before, this is really cool. If I found out I was adopted... do they have to be like during the same time? Jennifer: Nope, whoever. William: For a mom, I'd probably go with Audrey Hepburn and I'd probably go with... this is tough. I should pick someone like Abe Lincoln or someone crazy. Yeah, I'm gonna pick George Bush. Jennifer: Which one? William: GW, I'm gonna pick GW. Jennifer: Do you like Bush? William: I don't want to talk about it. But his kids seem to have a good time. [everyone laughs] Jennifer: True! William: Right? So there we are.

What's the most embarrassing CD you have in your collection? William: Well, I have a lot of guilty pleasures, stuff most people would think is like, 'What?' Like Rod Stewart and Prince, a lot of stuff that you guys probably don't like or listen to. But my first hip hop CD that I ever bought was Ginuwine so bad. Jennifer: That's not that bad, it could be worse! William: No way, that's so bad, that's so terribly bad. Jennifer: What about Sisqo or something? William: Well, that's... wait, is that you? Jennifer: No! [everyone laughs] Well, I do have his CD, but it's from like seventh grade! William: Yeah, Ginuwine... well, Sisqo's probably worse. But at any rate, I'm a big opera fan, too. That's not really an embarrassing thing, but yeah. Jennifer: Have you seen Phantom of the Opera? William: Yeah! Jennifer: Was it good? William: Uh, no. I've seen the actual opera before... Jennifer: I did, too! On Broadway? William: Yeah! And it's amazing, I was raised on the Andrew Lloyd Webber performance disc and then I saw the movie and it was cool, but they changed some lines and it was just really Hollywood. The singing wasn't great, all the actors actually sang so it was cool but they just didn't do it very well, I don't think. Who's the most famous person that you have in your cell phone? William: Probably, like... I don't like name dropping. Jennifer: You can do it, we'll forgive you. William: [laughs] I should make a joke... Pete Wentz, and that's a joke, but Pete's getting pretty famous. That I actually talk to? Jennifer: Um... yeah. Or do you have any random people in there that you just got from a friend or anything? William: Yeah, I have Jakob Dylan's number but I never use it. I have, I don't know, I don't really look for famous peoples' numbers but the most famous person I have is probably Lyor Cohen, you probably don't know who he is. He owns Warner Brothers and Electra and Atlantic. He's like a multi-billionaire and he's one of the coolest guys in the world. I've met a lot of label people before but yeah, he's probably the most admirable one. If you had to describe yourself in five words, which ones would you choose? William: Myself? I'm really bad with self description, I'm really good with self reflection and creation and song writing and things like that, but actually flat out 'this is who I am?' Honest, passionate, polite, moderately-conservative... hyphenated! And, uh, sexual. Jennifer: Oh, that's a good one! Just kidding. William: I'm actually kidding, that wouldn't be my top five. Jennifer: None of them? William: No! None of them wouldn't except for sexual. Kidding once again, there we are! There we are, just joking. So there's my four. What's the biggest purchase that you've made since getting signed and everything? William: Other than my laptop... uh, yeah, it's my new Mac G4, I don't know I feel like a nerd talking about it. But yeah, my new laptop, probably. I try to conserve, to save my money, I don't really like to spend it on a lot of things. What are one of your favorite lyrics from one of your songs? William: It's really hard because... I think you'd have to take each song for it's whole, the song in it's whole is the work, you know what I mean? But I guess in the bridge of "Down and Out," I don't know if you know which song that is, but that song is the closest to me personally. The bridge is really cool and really close to me and all of our friends, just because we name dropped all of our good friends who really helped us and who we wouldn't be here without, and a bunch of records that we were influenced by during the writing process. Like, uh, Johnny and Tony, if you know the lyrics, they started a small record label called LLR and we had our EP on there. I had a solo project in high school.. Jennifer: Wasn't that Remember Maine? William: Yeah! Wow! You did your homework. So that was sort of like the moment in my life where I was making the decision to do music versus going to school, and no one believed in me really except for me and Johnny and Tony. It was a little bit later on that Tony came into the picture but Johnny was and is my best friend and the reason why I'm here, so he helped us get our foot into the door and we've sort of had this success since then which surpassed what they did for us. But we kind of took them with us, like now Johnny is head of retail at Fueled by Ramen. We were like, 'Hey, Fueled by Ramen, this dude is awesome, pick him up!' And Tony is our tour manager, on tour with us, so it's great, it's awesome. That's pretty much the bridge. Jennifer: We were kind of talking about that last night, about how random all the names are and stuff? We were wondering about that. William: Well the song sort of starts with this story about domestic abuse and escaping and getting away from something that you're afraid of or harmed by, it's sort of really dark. But the whole essence of the song, we didn't want to just focus on that, we wanted to focus on the ups and downs of life and growing up. The second verse says a lot about that growth process and friends and coming to that realization that most of your friends in high school, you're going to have to say goodbye to relatively soon and that's something that's hard for everybody I think, to say goodbye to anyone, be it death or be it whatever someone chooses or ends up having have happen to them. But for us it's not about like finding a dark corner and hiding and blaming other people and getting angry and aggressive, it's about accepting darker times and sort of welcoming those things when they happen, you know, to better understand and appreciate the great things in your life and the people that love you. Are you okay? Jolene: Uh huh! William: You're just cold, aren't you? Do you want my jacket? Jolene: No, it's okay. William: Are you sure? Jolene: Yeah, I'm fine! William: So yeah, for us it was really fitting to make the song about more than just that instance, you know, to make it a little more well-rounded so that was just, yeah.

What's something that people would be surprised to learn about the band? William: Probably our seriousness and what we're trying to accomplish. We have a lot of fun, we do, we indulge but our main scope isn't to be a big band and get famous and get chicks, or to get drunk and do drugs and be like this icon. Like, no one will tell you that unless they're just straight up rockstars, but for us, we really want to help people and change the world in the smallest way or globally and that's really what our end of the road goal is. To transcend age, to transcend sex, to transcend race, to transcend languages. Bands like U2, bands like Pink Floyd and bands that I was talking about earlier, bands that shaped generations and shaped people. It's like, 'You're playing these indie tours, you're playing to these young kids, how are you supposed to change the world?' But for me, I see that as an opportunity also. I also want to appeal to older crowds, I want to appeal to people our age, or maybe people that are a little bit older, like twenty-six, twenty-seven years-old and I think that our record does and will once they hear it. But for the future, as we expand and grow and as our minds grow and as our musicianship and our scope and those things grow, we want to be one of those bands that can make a difference and can help people. We want to be that band that you saw when you were fourteen, like our parents loved the Beatles or whoever when they were fourteen years old and they still love them today, and they're like fifty or sixty years-old. That's the band that we're going to be, because we're going to be the band or the songwriters that stick with the generations. I think the way you do that is being fucking straight up honest and genuine and unselfish. If you write about things that are self-loathing and very trendy and very high school angst, those are the people you're going to appeal to and that's it. You know, your mom's not going to listen to a band that sings about slitting their own throat or hanging themselves or crappy metaphors that are in like, Goosebumps books, you know? I think being genuine and honest and smart and unselfish and really looking at the world in a different light... if you have a minute, I try to do this exercise every morning. I think about people's minds, in this example let's think about the musician or whoever that's on a label that's writing these lyrics, okay? I sort of think of their creative mind as a room and let's take one of these singers that sings about one of these things like self-loathing or slitting wrists or something. So they're in this room and it's totally dark, and they have this candle in front of them and it's creating this light that they can only see like three inches in front of their face. They can only relate to those three inches in front of them which is their own little isolation bubble where they can't relate to anything beyond that because they don't know it exists. So they're so wrapped in themselves, writing about how much life sucks and how much it's unfair and about how much they've been mistreated. Or also things that are very self-righteous, like, 'I'm the best, this is how you do it,' things like that. There are those people everywhere, they're in high schools, they're parenting children, they're on their death beds... they're everywhere, you know? These people, I think, especially these artists are too wrapped up in themselves to realize that there might be a wall behind them with a light switch and if you flip that switch there's this whole room around you that illuminates. And for me, that's the world around me, that's everything. That's this tree, that's you guys, that's my family back home, that's this show, these people that are here, the people that are staying at this hotel. It's how it's cold and you're cold and I'm sorry that you're cold, you know? It's the world around you. Every morning I try to wake up and turn on the light, I try to turn on my creative room light to make sure that I'm always viewing the world in the way. I think if more people did that, a lot of things could change for people in their own lives and in other people's lives. That's one of the main things that I'm trying to convey, especially in our newest stuff that we're writing for the next record, so yeah, that's sort of something that people probably don't know about me or us. Jennifer: You're awesome, I decided that. Just now. What's the strangest voicemail or answering message that you've ever received? William: Received? I've given a lot of crazy ones. Probably the strangest one I've ever received... man, it's on the spot, you got me again. I'm tongue tied. Ohhh yeah, this is awesome! [everyone laughs] There was a point when I got a lot of prank calls when people hated me and stuff, it was that stupid, like... Jennifer: Jealousy? William: Kind of, but it was before I had really any success, it was just myself going for what I believed in. Since I was doing something different and not going for a screamo band or something, so it was a big deal when I was playing an acoustic guitar and singing melodies, so it was like 'What the hell?' It was a big uproar. So I got like crazy ones like, 'You're a faggot, you should kill yourself,' stuff like that. Jennifer: That's so mean! Jolene: That's terrible! William: Yeah, but it's awesome, though. No, for real! It's so funny, I know for a fact that that person has grown up and has seen me live by example and that I went for my dream and it's totally paid off, and it's going to pay off in the future more fruitfully than ever. Instead of me feeling anger and being like, 'Fuck that guy, I hope he's burning in Hell' or whatever, I hope that he realized that the way that he was living and the fear that he had about being his own person, I hope that he turned that around, so yeah, it's kind of funny. Jennifer: What about one of the funny ones that you've left people? William: Oh, man, there were some nights that I just called people singing crazy songs that I totally made up at four in the morning, I don't even know, man. I can't really get into too much detail, there were some wild ones. I do voices, I'll be like, 'Hey, yo-a, it's Johnny from over at Auto Repairing, I got your car and it's looking sweet.' [everyone laughs] I have this British voice and this gay voice and some other shit and it's hilarious, I would leave people messages like that and not tell them who I am. What's the last movie that you saw? William: Last movie? Oh, man, that's bad, that's terrible. I had a journal that I write on the website and I actually just talked about this. I'm on this weird horror movie kick right now, and I'm into crappy old horror movies right now. Not even old, like eighties or nineties. I don't recommend them to anyone, it's like Pet Sematary and From Dusk Til Dawn. Well that's like a Quentin Tarantino movie so that's actually a good movie, but the last movie I actually watched was House of 1000 Corpses. [everyone laughs] Jennifer: Oh, God. Jolene: Did you like that? William: I think it's great! For two reasons, alright. One, it's not original by any stretch of the imagination as far as a horror film, it's like Texas Chainsaw Massacre meets something vile, you know. It's basically like Texas Chainsaw Massacre meets a strip club, that's what that movie is. But, BUT-- Jennifer: Oh, I want to hear the but, because I don't think there's any defending this movie. [everyone laughs] William: The way that the movie is edited and the way that the movie is shot, with the color contrast and the way that it looks is just fucking phenomenal. I think the movie is so cool purely because of the way that it looks and because of the cinematography of it, but I'm just a geek like that, those are the kinds of things I look for. But if we're talking about movies that are actually good, go buy Big Fish, it's a great movie. Jennifer: Is it good? I heard that it's really depressing. William: Did you? No way. Jennifer: I work at a video store and that's what everyone's told me, I haven't watched it. William: But those people that told you that mind be those people-- Jennifer: Oh, the close minded ones, yeah. William: The people with the light off! If you watch that movie it's so cool because it seriously confronts some issues like death and memories and relationships being parents and fathers and mothers and their children. I thought it was a really heartwarming movie, especially at the end. It's not this cheese fucking Hollywood ending that everyone wishes would happen but doesn't, you know, but yeah I think it's a great movie. Jennifer: Have you seen I Heart Huckabees? William: I have not, yet. Jennifer: It seems like a movie you'd like. William: I'm sure I would like it. Jennifer: It's kinda like, off the wall, it seems like one you'd like. William: My girlfriend got it and said that it was pretty cool and I'd probably like it. Yeah, I should probably get it. Jennifer: Yeah, I didn't like it that much. William: You didn't? Jennifer: I like my stupid girly movies. William: Like what? Like what? Jennifer:: Like, have you seen the Notebook? William:: I haven't seen that one yet! Jennifer: What?! It's so good. You will cry, I bet. William: I'm one of those dudes that cries in movies, like seriously. Jennifer: Everyone cries in that movie! William: Dude, I even cried in, this is so embarrassing, I even cried in A Walk to Remember. Jolene: Oh, I cried in that one. Jennifer: That movie is so sad! William: I cried like seven times in that movie ALONE, I was alone! I have a huge crush on Mandy Moore, too, like a Hollywood Crush. Jennifer: That one was really sad. William: But at the same time, you know, it's also very... Jennifer: No. William: You don't think so? Jennifer: No! She should've lived. William: But she did through him! She changed. Jennifer: I know, I know! But wouldn't it have been better if she just lived forever? William: Well, it's not Hollywood. Jennifer: I know! What's in your pocket right now? William: Like, seventeen cents in change and a guitar pic, and that's it. Oh, and my cell phone is in my jacket, if that counts. Jennifer: It counts! William: These are cool questions! Did you make them up, too? Jolene: No. [laughs] William: Maybe you should let her make some up next time! Jennifer: I tried! I was like, 'Jolene, help me think of some questions.' She said, 'We're going to do it on the way there.' Two and a half hours later, oh no, no questions. [everyone laughs]

What's in your CD player right now? William: I have an I-Pod. Jennifer: Well what's on your I-Pod that you're listening to a lot lately? William: I'm just going to be difficult. No, I have an I-Pod, sorry. [everyone laughs] I listen to tapes, I don't even have a CD player. No, uh, what am I like loving right now? I'm loving Ryan Adams right now. I'm loving Muse. Jennifer: Oh, they're so good! William: I was on this huge Muse thing and I totally forgot about it and didn't listen to it for forever. I listened to them again today and I was like, AH! I was like, [does Italian voice] yes, yes, yes, this is so good. [everyone laughs] I'm listening to a lot of Radiohead, I'm always listening to Simon and Garfunkel, I'm a huge Simon and Garfunkel fan. Prince, I'm listening to a lot of Prince, a bit of Bowie. It's sort of today's little shuffle encompassed, so that was that. What's the last concert you've went to, other than one that you've played at? William: Damn... I was at South by Southwest but I didn't see any bands, I was just wandering throughout the streets. Last time I was at a show, watching bands... oh, yeah! it was an acoustic show in Chicago, it was Bob Nanna from Hey Mercedes and Justin Pierre from Motion City Soundtrack. They just played acoustic, it was really cool. What are some questions that you hate hearing in interviews? I probably should've asked you this at the beginning so I wouldn't have asked you any of them. William: [laughs] Yeah, right! There really aren't any questions that I really hate, I encourage tough questions. I enjoy people asking tough questions. Hard hitting questions or ones that are condescending because it's their right as journalists to ask those questions. I wouldn't ask somebody, 'What songs do you hate? And I won't write those.' No, I wouldn't ask anyone that, I would just write what I love and write what I want. So yeah, that's my answer. What's a question that you've been wanting an interviewer to ask you but they haven't? William: I haven't thought of one because with every interview, with a few exceptions, I've been asked new questions that I haven't heard before, like today for instance. That's enough for me to keep interested.

[vedj-f-bekuesu]

Got yet another early finish today, so because it’s just a special I decided to squeeze in a viewing of Day of the Departed, exactly six months ahead of the holiday it’s a special for. Ah well. 

So, it was fine. There is one very big issue, but there is a bit of context for why unlike a lot of issues in the show so far; with the Ninjago Movie coming up, apparently this and season 7 were thrown into utter chaos and you can tell. I’ll get into in the notes.

-MVP of the special is pretty obvious. Cole gets the focus here and he does not squander the opportunity. Not only does he get to be on his top form in terms of more comedic personality, he gets pathos to his ghost form (finally) and a good show of his empathetic side. Plus he gets a new power to play with, one that makes a very good toy gimmick (and will be keen to the writers too considering how often it comes up).  -The other ninja don’t so much get that sort of treatment, just little opportunities to show off a bit of themselves at that point. Lloyd and Jay have the best of this, having opportunities to reflect on their arcs in Tournament of Elements/Possession and Skybound respectively with the theme of death and appreciating those still living, Zane’s is kind of weak but gets the basics in, and Kai and Nya were basically just setting up for season 7.  -The villains are fun, if obviously just there for fanservice. I think I’ve heard that one of people’s big hang-ups with the special is how it didn’t treat them seriously and...to be honest, the selection it had were not villains I took seriously in the first place. Samukai, Kozu and Cryptor were from seasons (or pilot) that didn’t take themselves that seriously outside of, like, the Overlord, Chen is the one post-S3 villain that was supposed to be silly and fun up to this point, Morro was actually treated seriously and kept his development from the end of Possession, and Pythor’s just a bitch. What limits them is that they don’t get to do more because there’s so much being thrown around.  -Yang’s alright, a step down from the last two villains. I mean, he spends a lot of it just being the stereotypical villain looking to just stop the ninja, but at least it tries to throw him a bone at the end (and makes more sense of his motives considering his previous status). The conversion to good is pretty breakneck though.  -The side characters get some nice moments, specifically Misako twisting Pythor’s words in Lloyd’s favour, Ed and Edna just being super supportive and Dareth showing surprising competence in the wake of Kozu’s attack (despite his sleazy comment at the start). Also Lou is back! He got kinda shortchanged when he wanted to start efforts to rebuild the city first in S2 only for S3 to basically force in Cyrus rebuilding due to the whole technology slant. I like the little moment he got at the start, but I wish it showed more closure with the family thing. I mean, when you think about it Lou’s had his whole world shaken since S1, he would want to have some family time for once. I swear, the one thing that will get me to riot about S13 is if Lou doesn’t get anything, give the man a break! And finally, Dr Saunders is a bit of a scene stealer despite just being there to set up...this plot. Boogily boogily. -Time to address the elephant in the room though; the pacing of the special is so fast. If the thing about this being a season first then shortened down to a special is true, you can definitely tell because it tries to include all those potential threads, and a Cole focus, and S7 foreshadowing all in one go. They wisely make the Cole material the strongest and the least rushed stuff (although as I said with Yang, it’s not completely immune), but it doesn’t take a breather, ever. I can see why this could be overwhelming.  -Also the fighting choreography here is a bit naff. Again, probably because it’s rushed. -But hey, the tone feels like S1-S2 light-hearted again, and I’ve missed that. It’s a breather between the heavier stuff of the seasons gone...and the seasons coming up.

Overall, I can see why people regard this as one the worst Ninjago things, but I can’t say I find it any worse than something like Rebooted. it’s a shame things panned out the way they did, because with more time this could have been an absolute riot. At least the insight into the more grounded side of Ninjago culture is given the spotlight (pardon the pun), and Cole gets a pretty nice sendoff to his ghost state.

With the special out of the way, it’s back onto regular seasons when the next Ninjago viewing will be Hands of Time. I sure hope we get more of Dr Saunders now that we’ve introduced him, it sure would be a waste to have the eccentric museum owner only around for one special.

...Oh who am I kidding, I’m on Faky’s LCA server, nobody would believe I don’t know how that turns out with the prevalence of his candy-crushing, Lance Richmond-voiced relative on there.

[siverwrites]

Fictober Day 14: To Settle Debts

To Settle Debts (538 words) by Siver Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: 英雄伝説 VII | The Legend of Heroes VII (Video Games) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Characters: Randy Orlando Additional Tags: Alcohol Summary: This family wasn’t for the likes of him—that was abundantly clear. Randy's last stop at Barca Casino before he goes to settle things.

Randy stared at his glass and drained that too. How many was that now? Did it matter? He was fine. He’d be fine; this was nothing. He could practically feel the glances Drake threw his way. Don’t worry, he’d be out of his hair soon too.

“It was great, wasn’t it? Real great.”

“And what would that be?” Drake asked calmly.

Randy waved a vague hand. “All of it.” It was nice to play pretend like any of it really meant a damn thing. “Hey, another drink. You’ve still got my trunk, right?”

“Yes of course. You did leave it in my care.”

“Fetch that out, would you? One more drink and I’ll get out of here.”

“I think you’ve had enough.”

Randy stared at him. “One more won’t make a difference,” he said steadily.

Drake frowned, but instead of getting him the drink he circled the counter and disappeared down the stairs. Randy threw a scowl at the stairs. He was supposed to have the drink while Drake got the trunk then get out of here. What was he playing at?

He turned his scowl on the bottles behind the glass, catching his own eyes in his reflection. “Make a wish,” he muttered. “Ha. Well Lloyd, you’ll get yours anyway.” His was worthless after all, no fears there. It wouldn’t, couldn’t ever happen. This family wasn’t for the likes of him—that was abundantly clear. “So noble. Well, you’ll have a couple less things to worry about. Should make protectin’ everyone a little easier.” Remove the whole lot ‘em out of his way.

Heavy footsteps sounded behind him and he tensed until Drake set the trunk down beside him.

“You never did say what this was,” he said as he returned to his position behind the counter.

Randy shook his head and grinned. “Better you don’t know.” And never mind the drink. It was time to cut one last tie. He stood, fetched out a pouch that should cover it, lifted the trunk and casually tossed the pouch onto the counter.

“That should take care of my tab.”

Drake took the pouch without a word and pushed another drink toward Randy.

“What?”

“Not quite. You forgot your drink.”

“I gave you what I had.” Randy stared at him as he cleaned a glass unconcernedly then the drink and shrugged. “Your loss, old man.”

“Perhaps.”

He set down the now-empty glass and abruptly turned away. Drake could play whatever games he wanted, it didn’t change a thing. It was over. This was all over.

“I don’t know what exactly what you intend to do,” Drake said. “But good luck. You do still owe me after all.”

Randy gave him a careless wave and kept a steady pace down the stairs. He didn’t stop until he stood outside Barca in darkness. A couple more stops left and not a lot of time left. It was time to get moving.

He could still taste the last beer as he set off into the streets. Drake would just have to take the loss; he’d be fine. It was almost time to settle this once and for all and that would be that.

But maybe one day…

And that would be all.

[theguineapig3]

End of Year Writing: M T W

Thank you for asking!!!

M. Meta! Have any meta about a story you’re dying to throw out there?

Oh man, oh man, I’m gonna throw this under a cut after the rest of the questions, because it’s long. But tldr: the more I play of Tales of the Abyss, the more I realize that “Ida” from Perigee (and by extension Anna in both Perigee and Equilibrium) is a replica. And the point at which both the characters and the narrative recognize the replica as the original Anna is debatable and kinda... weird to think about, actually. Keep reading at the end for that.

T. Themes, motherfucker, do you have them? What are they?

I wasn’t sure whether I did or not, but looking at the character motivations in all the stories I’ve worked on this year, there is a common thread, I think...

Equlibrium: Lloyd wants to embrace the Dwarven side of his family, but has trouble given his father’s (Dirk’s) past experiences with losing his previous families and what they represented to him. Colette and Zelos butt heads with Yuan over what family means to Adora and whether her blood family is really the family she needs- Colette and Zelos having had extremely different experiences with their own families in the past, which colors their opinions. Kratos and Anna are in conflict over their own future and the prospect of rebuilding a family that, at one time, they both considered lost. Sheena wants to pursue her relationship with Lloyd and the rest of the outside world without giving up her Mizuho family as well. Genis and Raine, when they find themselves struggling in their romantic relationships, realize how strongly they rely on their family for support.

Stare Decisis: The main focus of the story is on Zelgadis rediscovering the family he thought he’d lost, and in his parents and brother doing the same. There’s also Gourry, still struggling with the loss of his brother, learning to accept help from his current family (Lina and his friends), and Lina accepting her role in offering that help. Pokota wants to help Adelaide leave the destructive legacy of her family behind so that she can be accepted by the people of Taforashia.

Fugitive Guardian: Syaoran is struggling with the pressures placed on him by his family and their legacy, and through his love with Sakura and his friendship with the other characters, he is finding a way to express himself on his own terms. His interactions with Stephen lead him to reflect on his family’s past, and are building to a realization of the complicated nature of his family’s relationships at which point Syaoran will have to decide how he wants to approach his role as the future head of the family.

W.  Who are your favorite writers?

It’s hard to say specifics, because I get a lot of my media in the form of comics and television shows. But I suppose that’s enough to give at least some writers- I’m extremely impressed by the writing in Satoru Noda’s Golden Kamuy (I’m not totally caught up with the manga yet; oops) in the way that it develops such a large cast and doesn’t have any real “good guys” and “bad guys,” instead leaves you to root for the protagonists while their companions and enemies both support and betray them. Grey morality is something I like in both what I read and what I write. On the total other end of the media spectrum, I’m really impressed by Terri Minsky and the rest of the writing team of the show Andi Mack. I love-love-love the characters and relationships they’ve set up, and the way they lovingly depict such a diverse cast. Andi Mack is the first show I’ve ever seen that depicts a character with Panic Disorder (or, at least, who experiences true panic attacks), and not only are the scenes extremely accurate- at least in my own experience as someone with that disorder- but they are treated respectfully and with such skill that they don’t ever strike me as a piece of media just trying to have a “token mentally ill character.” I want to be able to depict diverse characters in my stories in ways that will make people happy the way Andi Mack has made me happy.

As far as published books I’ve recently read, Haunted Ground by Erin Hart and We Have Always Lived in the Castle by Shirley Jackson were both VERY GOOD. Highly recommend.

OKAY, META.

Ignoring the major “scientific/magical” differences between Symphonia and Abyss’ worlds and assuming that we can equate mana-exsphere interactions with fomicry, “Ida” from Perigee could absolutely be considered a replica by Abyss’ standards. She’s a perfect genetic copy of Anna, but lacks the memories and is like a young child in her mentality. The difference, however, is that she is connected to Anna’s soul via the angelus exsphere, and the soul of the original Anna is slowly transferring into the replica body. That means her personality traits are coming from the original, and she can’t necessarily be considered an individual completely separate from her original- nor does she want to. “Ida’s” whole story involves searching for her “true identity,” and when she finds out that she’s a replica merely sapping Anna’s soul, she insists that it’s “just like I’m Anna- no, I am Anna!” In her internal monologue, as given by the text, she refers to Anna’s soul as her own, thereby asserting herself as the original.

Lloyd is the first of the other characters to acknowledge her as the original (he calls her “mom” in chapter 18 and insists to Kratos that his mother is “RIGHT THERE!”) But the narration in the story doesn’t actually refer to her as Anna until chapter 20, when Kratos- for all intents and purposes- asks permission to treat her as the original and she states that she wants him to see her as the original as well. From that point on, all the characters (perhaps with the exception of Yuan) treat her as the original, but it could be said that she doesn’t truly “become” Anna until the final chapter, when the angelus exsphere is shattered and her soul fully inhabits the replica body, fully restoring her memories.

DESPITE THIS, she acknowledges the original’s death when she demands to have a “second” wedding with Kratos, indicating that she doesn’t quite see herself as the same Anna as the original Anna. In Equilibrium, Yuan expresses surprise at Anna’s pregnancy because he assumed that her “replica” body wasn’t quite the same as a real human body. This brings up a really weird question about the child’s familial relations. Biologically and genetically speaking, the kid would be Lloyd’s full brother. But in a practical sense, would he be considered more to be Lloyd’s half-brother? Or, because Anna’s body perfectly replicated the original Anna who had given birth to Lloyd, could we practically say that the two are full brothers even though “this” Anna was not the Anna who actually gave birth to Lloyd?

My head hurts now; I should probably stop. Why can’t I find an easier way to bring characters back from the dead?

[doubled-helix]

book thoughts: the hearts we sold (spoilers)

the hearts we sold, emily lloyd-jones

(disclaimer: all of this is my opinion because i decided it’s better for my own writing to reflect upon books i read (thanks college profs). in fact, i’m not even putting it in the main tags so no one should be reading this except future me anyways)

overarching conflict: all books should have one of these. usually it’s to defeat the big bad, which doesn’t quite fit this novel since there wasn’t one defined big bad. i mean, there were the burrowers, which were pretty creepy, but i’m personally fond of the classic puppetmaster villain, who pulls the strings and monologues and bemoans the state of the world or whatnot. think the mage in carry on or luke/kronos in the pjo series. call me old-fashioned. 

my prof told us that books, especially sci-fi/fantasy ones, should have a looming threat that’s constantly hanging over the heroes even as they defeat or are defeated by many smaller threats. like harry facing quirrel, tom riddle/the basilisk, the dementors/sirius black/peter pettigrew (the “one true baddie” was a bit more vague in thisone) - all the while knowing that voldemort’s the final boss. 

in this book, i guess you could say the final big void was the ultimate baddie, but considering neither our main gal nor us knew about this until three quarters of the way through the book, it wasn’t exactly a looming threat, even as the characters did close many smaller voids (the in-between threats books have - the ones between the exposition and climax). i say a bit more about this later, but i think the lack of a dominant big bad may be one of the reasons the book felt stagnant for a good portion of the first half. this, combined with the lack of strong motive dee had - well. it certainly slowed things down. 

things that didn’t work: 1. the “team”: i’m a sucker for a tight-knit group of people who’d kill to protect each other, who poke fun and laugh and joke around à la avatar the last airbender. i’m even more of a sucker for found families, also like avatar the last airbender. but this book’s “team” absolutely did not work for me, and the most probable cause i can think of is that the author just didn’t let us spend enough time with them. 

the main dude james had been with cal and cora for almost two years, and i got none of that from the way he talked about them. in fact, main gal dee actually says that she’s glad james and her have a closer bond than the other two - which, sure, romance, i get it, but if you want to make a dream team you can’t throw half of its members into the wind. 

when cal died, that evoked nothing in me as a reader because i cared about him as much as dee did, and she maybe shared 20 lines total with the guy. similarly, she barely interacted with cora, who was supposed to be the leader, but other than the author telling us that she was the “leader,” there was nothing showing her fulfilling that role. i absolutely hate saying this because it’s the most cliche advice one can offer but “show not tell.” if you want to show a fall from grace, from cool and collected cora to frantic and panicking cora, you gotta show us the grace first. 

riley: don’t get me wrong, i fucking love riley, but she didn’t show up until 70% of the way through the book. and there was a sort of insta-friendship between her, james, and dee. at one point towards the end, she says something like “if we die tonight, i’m glad i met you two” which would be very nice if they hadn’t met 20 pages ago. (i feel like i should note, a few weeks did pass world-wise, but that really doesn’t do much for the reader, who didn’t get to feel any of that time)

it would have been fantastic to have riley with us from the very beginning. her relationship with james and dee felt like it actually had the potential to blossom into that dream team/found family thing. cal and cora felt like they had their own separate lives, which is fantastic in reality because no one should spend all their time with a single group of people, but the thing about stories in my experience is that to be effective, everything - every interaction or desire or situation - should be Too Much. 

also, riley seemed a little too cool with everything that was happening. it took dee at least a few weeks to accept the whole voids and homunculus and world-ending thing, but riley was like “fantastic, let’s do this, i can blow things up” which was a bit sudden. 

cora: i mentioned already how she was the “leader” but didn’t really do anything to show that, but also - i felt like we were supposed to feel sorry for her, or at least understand her motives, but i got absolutely none of that. she killed cal, who i didn’t feel much for, but it was still fairly unforgivable, and she never had an act of redemption. i’ll talk about this later, but i feel like james’s sacrifice at the end should have been hers. she wanted “everyone to live,” that was her motive. sacrificing herself would have been the loop to close her character arc, instead of her just dropping out of the story completely. and speaking of motive...

2. the motive: oh boy, i don’t even think i have authority to talk about this because “motive” is a biggie. they have entire writing courses dedicated to character motives. i read a post a while back that said something to the like of “every character should want something and should want it to the point of obsession.” 

going on my avatar the last airbender comparison (that show’s story is literally my baseline for everything else i read or watch), every character in that show wants something desperately. aang’s is easy - he wants to learn the other three elements and save the world. katara, at least in the first season, is completely focused on mastering waterbending. zuko - capture the avatar, regain his honor (and this one’s definitely an obsession). my point is, if your characters don’t want something desperately, there is no story.

now applying that to this story is a bit tricky because the premise is that these people did want something strongly, strong enough to sell their hearts for it. dee wanted money for boarding school, wanted to get out of her awful home situation. and the daemon gives it to her - the first thing, at least. and then for at least 100 pages, it was like she was just being pulled along with anything that happened, without any intense desire of her own. i felt this most strongly when she was out collecting rocks with james. i understand it was a bonding scene, etc. but goddamn. rocks? it just felt a bit shoehorned in, like there needed to be a good reason for the two to start hanging out that was at least semi-work related.

for a moment, i thought dee’s motive would become trying to break out of the deal, to join cora and end it all - it certainly seemed like she was freaked out enough to do it. but something magical healing romance-esque happened and afterwards, she seemed cool with accepting that she had no other choice. i understand she wasn’t a voluntary hero, but it still feels a bit stale when the savior of humankind is doing it not even to save her own skin or that of her friends, but out of sheer obligation. (however, i will give it to her, there was a nice little scene on the bus towards the end where dee was people-watching, and the part at the very end where she said that she did believe that people were inherently good, what a great development from beginning of the book dee)

things that kinda worked 1. the romance: okay, i understand that “kinda worked” doesn’t sound like the most glowing review for a romance, but from me, it’s practically a declaration of adoration. more often than not, romance in young adult novels just do not work for me, whether because it’s instalove or some love triangle’s at play or the  premise is just problematic. but this one? ehhh, i can’t say i hate it.

james, thank god, is not the dark, angsty, “why are you even speaking to me” male love interest (four, i’m describing four from divergent) that i feel like i see too much. he’s funny, a bit dorky, super big on consent, and basically a sweetheart. the author obviously took some care in building up their relationship a bit before taking it to a romance - though in the process, i think she had to give up a lot of development dee could have had with cora and cal. 

their little fairy tale research road trip was actually one of my favorite parts of the book (i’ll talk about this more later). i did, however, groan every time dee became hyperfocused about the oh-so-scandalous fact of being in a car with a boy, sleeping in the same hotel room as a boy, blah blah with a boy. and i facepalmed quite a bit at the extended hesitancy dee had about calling james her boyfriend. i understand why she hesitated (trust issues, negative body image), but it doesn’t mean i have to like it. which leads me to this next thing.

2. character’s response to abuse: let me preface this by saying that i absolutely despise child abuse as a plot device. this is a personal opinion,  i’m not going to get on any high horse and preach about moral quandaries. 90% of the time, i just don’t like it. a lot of this is because i feel most of the time, the character never gets to confront their abuse - never gets the chance to recognize “oh, what happened to me wasn’t right, and a lot of the negative thoughts i have about myself stem from this abuse, and i should not let it define me.” and more often than i like in ya novels, especially for female victims of child abuse, it’s their male love interest who runs in and beats up their abuser/yells at them about how they were a horrible person, which really doesn’t grant the victim any catharsis at all, and i hate how often that is portrayed as “romantic” or a good way to deal with abusers. 

this book, well. let me just say that dee finally standing up to her father about his alcoholism and telling her parents that when THEY finally decided to change, they knew where to find her - that was some good shit. there was a bit when james came running in that i covered my face and went “oh no, here it goes” but to my pleasant surprise, all he did was support dee and didn’t try to insert himself into the situation at all, which was, you know, fantastic. and gremma casually pulling a fire ax out of her purse in front of dee’s parents? lesbian solidarity.

the thing i disliked the most would have to be dee’s image of herself due to the abuse. i understand you don’t need to overcome trauma solo, but i do wish that she could have realized that she didn’t need to be thin or that she wasn’t broken without james telling her so. also, there was that one line where she tried to minimize her abuse - which i know is a common thing for victims of abuse but once again, i don’t have to like it - and james had to talk her out of it that made me groan. i just generally dont think dealing with the effects of abuse should be anywhere near romance, let alone hand in hand like so many books like to treat it. 

3. the sacrifice: i pride myself on not being easily surprised by books anymore, but i did not expect james to die. and i definitely felt something when that package of harry potter books and dee’s picture and the ct scan of the brain tumor arrived in the penultimate chapter. and i hate to be that person, but...

james got his heart back before the final void opened. he could have not been there, like cora. which means the daemon would have still needed him. why didn’t he just sell his heart once more in exchange for the daemon removing his tumor? sure, this way, i have no idea how they would have gotten out of the manual timer thing - then again, who knows if they would have been so targeted if james had not been carrying the heart into the void in the first place, but i still think the sacrifice should have belonged to cora, who definitely required some sort of redemption act if we wanted her to matter to the story in any way. it could’ve been a nice scene -  a “i couldn’t save cal but hell if i’m going to let you two die” act of closure. really, i keep going back to my grievance over how utterly insignifigant cal and cora felt to the story, especially compared to riley, who only jumped in near the end. 

things that worked 1. diversity: can i get a fucking hell yeah?? i’m so goddamn happy that more and more ya novels are recognizing that the world isn’t full of beautiful white straight people. our main gal dee is half-latino, we have a badass lesbian lady who carries axes in her purse, a fucking awesome trans girl who blows shit up (the fact that she doesn’t show up until near the end is a travesty), and our latter two ladies have a cute as hell romance that i wish we saw more of. side character romance is always more awesome because it doesn’t have the kind of baggage that really kills the vibe of main character romances. 

just - diversity.

2. the research road trip scenes: okay, this is very specific. but i’ve watched far too much supernatural for it to be healthy, and james and dee’s little road trip where they ate bad diner food and spent time at the library reading about old fairy tales and old gods and speculated about angels - i just got such a strong supernatural feeling from it. more specifically, the parts where they have no idea what monster they’re hunting and are flipping through old books to figure it out. it had some really calming good vibes, i loved all the speculation and discussion of how people in the past processed magic. no fancy analysis here, it just really resonated with me. 

final rating: 3 out of 5 stars 

note: it would have been 2.5, but the ending surprising me and making me Feel Things really bumped it up. also, writing this ridiculously long review made me feel more invested and charitable. 

[otisoverturf]

Dreamville President Ibrahim Hamad Shares the Story Behind ‘The Warm Up’ Cover Art on 10-Year Anniversary

Over the weekend J. Cole, Ibrahim, and the Dreamville family celebrated the 10 year anniversary of The Warm Up. While reflecting on the album, Ib revealed that the snow on the cover art is real and was surprised to find out many people believed it was photoshopped.

10 years ago The Warm Up dropped. Thanks 2 all that have listened 2 the foundation of my whole journey.

My catalogue on streaming services don’t even look right until this & FNL are up. workin on it.

Decade later and I’m still dreamin and tryna get better. God Bless

— J. Cole (@JColeNC) June 15, 2019

Ib stated when the photoshoot for The Warm Up was set to take place inside of Holy Cross High School but failed after his coach never showed up to let them in.

“We were suppose to shoot in my HS gym and it was snowing mad hard so my coach ain’t even show up to open the gym for us, Coach Lloyd left us out there in the snow,” Ibrahim tweeted.

Not letting that deter them, Cole posed in the snow with his ball and got off one of the most iconic covers in Hip-Hop history. You can catch the story from Ib in his own words below.

Since we talking The Warm Up, this cover was legendary. We were suppose to shoot in my HS gym and it was snowing mad hard so my coach ain’t even show up to open the gym for us, Coach Lloyd left us out there in the snow

. So we shot that shit right outside of Holy Cross HS pic.twitter.com/sUxTXsZn4v

— Ibrahim H. (@KingOfQueenz) June 15, 2019

Damn I never realized how many people thought that the snow on this cover was fake.

— Ibrahim H. (@KingOfQueenz) June 15, 2019

Bro niggaz almost caught pneumonia out there tryna get the shot. I think we initially was shooting it and Cole was just in a tee too for the shot so that nigga almost died out there just for people to this it was fake show for 10 years

— Ibrahim H. (@KingOfQueenz) June 15, 2019

View this post on Instagram

  1.10.2009 photo shoot for “The Warm Up”. In case y’all really thought it was photoshopped lol shout out to @chad_griffith who was the photographer for sending me these pics and @alexhaldi for doing the cover #10YearAnniversary

A post shared by Ibrahim H. (@kingofqueenz25) on Jun 15, 2019 at 4:31pm PDT

The post Dreamville President Ibrahim Hamad Shares the Story Behind ‘The Warm Up’ Cover Art on 10-Year Anniversary appeared first on The Source.

The post Dreamville President Ibrahim Hamad Shares the Story Behind ‘The Warm Up’ Cover Art on 10-Year Anniversary appeared first on Social Juicebox.

Dreamville President Ibrahim Hamad Shares the Story Behind ‘The Warm Up’ Cover Art on 10-Year Anniversary published first on https://socialjuicebox.com/

[voguingtodanzig]

AFTER LONG LAYOFF, PAVEMENT OFFSHOOT SPIRAL STAIRS RETURN TO THROW POIGNANT ‘DAGGERS’  (3 months ago on Clyrvnt)

By Raymond Cummings

Time was, Scott Kannberg’s strongest songs — from Pavement's iconoclastic “Hit the Plane Down” and pugnacious b-side “Stub Your Toe” to something like Preston School of Industry’s spindly “The Idea of Fires” — took flight on a riff and a prayer. These tunes were catchy, brusque and instinctually wrought, 7"-worthy wonders party-crashing the LPs or EPs they happened to come packaged along with. Doris and the Daggers is the Stockton, Calif., native’s fourth post-Pavement album and his second as Spiral Stairs, but it’s his best album because it arrives without those sonic M-80 firecrackers of yore. His songwriting here is eclectic, self-assured, mature and heartfelt, reflecting time’s unyielding march and a heavily stamped passport. A few weeks prior to the release of Doris and the Daggers, I interviewed Kannberg via telephone.

I thought you were back in California. When did you move to Mexico? We were. We moved back to Los Angeles in 2013, I think. We’ve been here in Mexico for like the last 10 months, in Merida, in the Yucátan. My wife’s parents, we lived kind of near them. They decided to move to Mexico because they had a house here in Merida, and we had an opportunity to be close to my parents and be close to them in Mexico. Then, in the end, we wound up following them to Mexico. I’m not sure how my parents feel about that. And also, Australia’s so far away, and we were spending so much money on travel. And I wanted to make music, and the people I make music with are in the States. We wanted to move back to San Francisco, but a lot of my friends from San Francisco are moving to L.A. At that time, L.A. was still pretty cheap, and it felt like San Francisco on the east side of town. But in the three years we lived in L.A., it got so expensive.

How do you like living in Mexico? Merida’s a pretty cool place; it’s really growing because it’s a real safe city. A lot of people from Mexico City and Monterrey are moving their families here, so it’s kinda bursting at the seams. But I don’t know any Spanish. Well, I know a little bit. You kinda have to know a little Spanish. There’s a lot of expats here. We have some friends, my wife knows a little Spanish. The food’s amazing, the culture’s amazing, the climate’s a little too hot for me. [Laughs] So, it’s okay, for a while.

I feel like, of all your solo records, Doris and the Daggers is the one that fits together best as an album. There’s normally albums where one or two songs stand out as “the singles”; the Preston School of Industry albums had that, to an extent. This one doesn’t have that; it feels like a whole. I try to create a comfortable listening experience. I look at it as two sides, like a vinyl record; I don’t make it for a streaming or CD kind of world, because I don’t know that world, really. I don’t know how bands like the Beatles made 35-minute records. The goal is to make it so that a listener is interested for 20 minutes, and then they turn the record over, maybe revisit the other side at another time.

For this record, I recorded probably 15 songs with Justin [Peroff, drummer of Broken Social Scene] and Matt [Harris, former bassist of the Posies], and then another 15 with others, and the songs really fit together well as a cohesive kind of thing. I never really try for singles, but I guess I can definitely see the Preston records as having more singles, or “single”-type songs.

This also feels like a more personal album, like you’re really putting yourself out there. I think so, too. There’s an emotional theme to it, I guess. I’ve been listening to a lot of those kinds of records — I really started to get into Lloyd Cole, who has sly lyrics, but they’re emotional. Maybe it comes from that. But maybe it’s that I’m older, more at ease with my songwriting.

One of my favorite songs from the album is “The Unconditional,” which conveys nicely what it’s like to be a parent as children reach that age where they can start making demands. Was there a particular moment that inspired this? I had the riff, and I had the basic music of the song. It was kind turning into this kind of Van Morrison-y thing, with horns. I had a rough idea of some of the lyrics, but a lot of these songs I actually made up the lyrics driving, or riding my bike. Behind our house in L.A., we had this amazing hiking trail. I’d go out there every day and listen to these songs, and whatever popped into my head, I’d jot down. Basically, you’re driving your kid to school and these things pop out of their mouths. [Laughs] I’ve always liked songs people wrote about their children. Everybody does that at some point; I wanted to have one.

Has your daughter heard it? Yeah! She loves it. She knows all the lyrics. She pronounces some of the words wrong. The thing I’m always amazed by with kids is how they retain the language. She’s saying some pretty complicated words. We let her watch little YouTube videos of people playing with toys, and I think that’s where she gets most of it from.

“No Comparison” was a surprise. It flows with the album, but it’s very staccato. It’s almost like disco. How did that one come together? I’ve always been a big fan of the Talking Heads. That’s where it started. I like the Happy Mondays, and I’ve always liked a good dance beat. Originally, “No Comparison” wasn’t intended to be like that, but it kinda morphed into it. The synthesizer element came way late. Kelley Stoltz, when I went up to do some things with him, he added those synthesizer lines; they’re so brash and funny-sounding that I had to keep them. This was my stab at a song off of Remain in Light or something, or something off of Flesh and Blood by Roxy Music. I did that in Pavement, too; “Passat Dream” was a dance-y kind of song. They come out every once in awhile.

I feel like this album has a lot of little touches that bring something special, like how on “Dance,” every time you sing that word in the chorus, there’s a horn stab. Yeah! The horn guys I had were incredible. That song took a real turn. If you heard the demo, it’s completely different — it sounds more like an early Wire song. It went in another direction when I got the horns on there, and I asked this friend of mine, Doug — who actually plays in a Roxy Music cover band — to play on the song and make it sound like Roxy Music. [Laughs]

I know that your longtime drummer, Darius Minwalla, passed away before recording started. Knowing that the vocal at the end of the title track was his really adds something — it’s kind of left-field without the context, but it’s emotional if you know. Can you tell me a bit about him? That vocal was a snippet from a video we put together for a tour from maybe 2004 or so, because Darius kinda came on after [Preston School of Industry's] Monsoon. It was kind of fitting to place it at the very end of the record, because the whole record is emotionally part of him, and I wanted to have his voice in there somehow.

A couple of these songs are about him. “Exiled Tonight” is about a dream I had. It was the last song I was going to record the vocals for. I didn’t have any good vocals, and I came into the studio one day, and the engineer stopped me halfway through and said, “Those lyrics are terrible.” I said, “I know they are.” He said, “Come back tomorrow.” That night I had this dream, where Darius is stuck in the afterlife, and it was a kind of a sign that I had to finish the song so I could finish the record. Another song, “Angel Eyes,” has a verse about him, that the very last song he ever played on drums was “No More Heroes” by the Stranglers.

I think it was a freak accident. He had a bad heart that he didn’t tell anybody about; he had a heart attack and died a month before we were supposed to record up in Seattle. It kinda threw everyone for a loop. It sent me in a different direction for this album.

He was a great guy. I’d known him a long time. He seemed pretty happy in his life. When I moved to Seattle in the early 2000s, he was the Posies’ drummer; Matt Harris, who played on Doris and the Daggers, was the bass player for the Posies. After the Monsoonrecord, Darius started playing with us; he’s the drummer on The Real Feel. After I left Seattle, I moved to Australia, and we lost touch for four or five years. He was supposed to play on Doris.

Justin from Broken Social Scene was really good friends with Darius, too, and he called me up and asked if he could drum.

“Exiled Tonight” seemed, to me, like a touring travelogue. With Pavement, you were touring constantly. Do you miss the touring life? I do miss it. With Pavement, in the old days, we worked it pretty hard. We did every single show anybody asked us to do. We did it on a shoestring budget. I think it kinda wore us down in the end. The reunion tour was great because it was at a much bigger level, and we had a crew and could stay in hotel rooms; it was like a nice vacation, really. This solo stuff is still shoestring, but it’s still touring, and I’m excited about it. I’m going next week to play SXSW, six shows there, then we’ll do a West Coast tour in April, an East Coast / Midwest tour in June.

Eight years separate The Real Feel and Doris. Do you have a big backlog of unreleased songs? Sorta. I didn’t really write that many songs after The Real Feel. But the way I do things, it takes me a long time to get up and running, and when I do start writing songs, I write a lot of songs. I try to use most of them on the records or as b-sides. Most of these are from the last few years. Some of them date back to The Real Feel era, but they sound a lot different than they used to. I’ve already written my next record, and I’m ready to record that!

You’re way ahead of the curve. I don’t wanna fool around. I don’t think you need to, anymore; you can kinda just put things out when you wanna put 'em out. I’m not gonna wait another eight years.

What does the song title “AWM” stand for? It stands for “Always Wanted More.” It’s about my ex-wife. Chrissy was a big part of Pavement; we split up in 2003 or 2004. She’s still around, in San Francisco. She comes to shows. It was tough. It was pretty tough times in Seattle, after the divorce, but then I met Sarah, and things changed after that. I’m much happier.

[directorscutandsomeotherstuff]

Somewhere In Time (for real, this time.)

(So, a few months ago, I decided to write a Director’s Cut on a Phantom of the Opera fanfic called Somewhere in Time, about a girl who’s totally in love with the Phantom. I then decided to completely go off the rails and just spend a bunch of paragraphs railing on how dumb the Phantom was, as a character. That was fun, but now it’s time to actually do it, for real. I mean, there’s not any overriding reason why, but heck, it’s my blog, so why not?)

(For those of you who were privileged enough to not be teenagers during the height of the musical’s popularity, Phantom of the Opera is an Andrew Lloyd Webber piece. Originally based on a book in which a budding soprano is kidnapped by a terrible skull-faced monstrosity whose hobbies included ligature strangulation and hellish dungeon construction, Webber decided to make a few key changes. Said changes included turning the skull-faced monstrosity into a hot guy with a bit of a face scar, and to also turn him into a thinly veiled metaphor for sex in the process. As you can imagine, he’s super popular among horny teenage girls.)

(I’m gonna stop describing it, now, or I’m just gonna do a repeat performance of the last DC. Let’s go to the fic.)

(Among his legion of fans, we have PhantomsPandora, who decided to write a story in which a teen-aged writer and poetry enthusiast is suffering from depression, brought on by a maniacal infatuation with a character that doesn’t exist. Let me just say, I’m glad this girl’s probably somewhere in her late-twenties, by now. Tearing into somebody’s complex sexual power fantasy isn’t as fun, when they’re currently having it. All right, enough chatter.)

Christine sighed softly to herself. There was nothing left, was there? (Nope. Turns out there was... sorry.) She was dying, she felt. Of a broken heart, by a man who didn't even know her. Just another night in her room, locked away from her parents, long nights writing into her journal thinking morbidly. (She had been glad her parents had gotten her a journal thinking morbidly for her birthday, last week. She couldn’t imagine she’d have survived this ordeal by just writing into a normal journal.) She sat in front of her mirror and turned up her CD player, paying no mind to anyone else who might care. (Her despair was stronger than noise violation ordinances.) Erik was singing to her again, her beloved. There was something in the way he sung that called to her, and drew her there. The world begun to ebb away, as she closed her eyes, tears falling to her dark green carpet. (She had reason to cry; that carpet was ugly as sin, and did nothing to match her salmon pink walls and neon orange trim.) She sat Indian style, her dark-blonde hair falling around her face. Her parents never should have allowed her friends to take her to that performance a year ago, with the actors. (They should have sent her to that performance with the tax accountants, or the one with the meter maids.) It became all too much real to her, and she remembered that night, scrambling backstage, only to find an actor without make up. No Erik at all, just a man who was more than happy to hug her and get a picture, even though she was still crying. She knew that in her heart, he existed. He was there in her dreams, whether they were ones of simply singing, or a lover's embrace. His face did not bother her, with its rough textures; his eyes said that he was full of love and longing for her. (Also murderous intent. Lots of murderous intent.) And it was in his home that they loved, for all time. Only the cruel beep of the alarm clock reminded her that she had a life outside of the phantom. She sighed, trying not to sob again, trying to find energy somewhere. (Unfortunately, she had no doubt scrounged up the last E-tank from under her bed.) She wished she were dead, for this torture was too much to bear. To be without him in the dream world in which he existed, was too horrible. Every night of his singing to her, every night of him touching her, so real. (There was going to be a ribald comment, here, but I’m better than that. Also, she’s underage, and that’s gross.) To bounce back to earth.what a cruel existence. She had a hard life, Christine. Kept back from most things that would have really allowed her to grow up, by her family, and by her most sorrowful past. (You would think, ironically, that growing up during the Kosovo Wars would have forced her to grow up quickly. Having lost her brother and boyfriend to air strikes... oh, who are we kidding? Christine had no past worth mentioning.) She doubted her sanity, almost. She would lapse in to long periods of daydreaming of when she could be away from this world. Someday soon, she thought. Of my own making. (A homemade cake. From scratch. Chocolate.) Her body was weakening from its loss of food, her eyes were becoming darker and darker with the loss of sleep (as the Sharingan began to manifest), and everything about her was breaking down. Yet it didn't matter to her. She would test him. Surely, he would notice, if she thought he was real. In dreams, he noticed everything new about her. (Methinks this Erik fellow’s looking a bit too closely at an underage girl. Has anyone told Christine’s dad about this?) Maybe this time, he would see the condition that she was in. No one else so far had taken the trouble. Friends hadn't called or visited in days, and it no longer mattered to her as much as it had before. Now she could go back to her room after long hours of acting like she was just tired, but happy, to others, then she would writing in her journal and then crying herself to sleep. At times, she was proud that no one could tell, and at others, deeply hurt. Shouldn't someone be able to notice, other than the one who couldn't really help her? (I mean, at this point, the guidance counselor would surely “writing” something in her notebook about the sudden weight loss and the darkening eyes.) Her hand stilled at the page and instead she decided that she would try and sing along with Erik, smiling softly. The actor who played him was superb, but it was not really Erik. Erik had such a powerful voice, dark and sensual, and at times so soft that it felt like the voice was wrapping itself around her. (Yeah. Clearly, she hadn’t watched the movie. That’s not Gerard Butler, at all.) So now, she sung as the phantom commanded, higher, and higher, until she felt dizzy and had to stop.

(”She’s singing again,” said Christine’s mom.

(”Yes, dear,” said Christine’s dad, with a sigh. “I can hear her. The whole neighborhood can hear her.”

(”Should we do something about it?”

(”We’re parents in a fanfiction, honey. We’re not supposed to be competent.”

(Christine’s mom could only shrug. “Fair enough. You wanna go over to the guest bedroom, where it’s quieter?”

(”God, yes. At least, somebody around here should be getting laid.”) The tremors that came didn't bother her as they had before, she noticed. They almost stole her breath away, but she calmed herself long enough to blow out the candle at her side, aiding her in her writing that she was doing before. She would write in the dark quite often, and play classical music, sitting long after her legs began to cramp, neglecting other needs, such as food (and pooping. It was like sitting with a bag of charcoal briquettes in her, most nights). It no longer mattered, her hands flew from page to page in a blind passion, dark stories flying from her fingers onto the notebook paper. But now she just wanted to look at her reflection in the mirror next to her, until she could no longer feel this world, but feel a blurred daydream. (She saw nothing, for it was pitch black.) She warmed at that, and it had been so long since her body had warmed at the thought of something, even her heart felt warm. The daydream was beautiful, elaborate.until it suddenly seemed too real. "Christine." A voice softly whispered, a male voice so soft that no one could notice.

(A few minutes later, it spoke up again, this time more loudly. “Christine! Yo! I’m over here, girl!”)

She looked up from her spot, to notice a man standing in front of her, beginning to crouch to her level. His cloak folded behind him, his hands finding hers, she could barely hold back the tears in her eyes, noticing that the ones dropped on her fingers, were not of her own tears. (No, these tears were not formed of her own tears, but instead they were formed of... I dunno, a combination of pea soup and dollar store aftershave.)

"My love.I've waited a life time.it seemed so long without you." (”I hope you’re okay with me being an old man, now. I mean, I was an adult in the 1900′s, so... hope you like your men wrinkly!”)

She shuddered, the tremors in her chest becoming stronger, more powerful, and she had to strain to whisper, falling into his arms. It was her Erik, but no longer with his mask, or his deformed face. He had a face of an angel now, (specifically, that kid Angel from math class that she always had the hots for, but could never really gather the courage to talk to.) his eyes were the same golden beautiful color, and his beautiful black hair slicked back and shining in the (snuffed-out) candlelight of Christine's room. "Oh.Erik.You didn't leave me! You love me!" She clutched on to him, pulling his face down to hers and kissing him.

"I've loved you before, Christine. I can't help but love you as I do. We're one in soul and in mind. How can I forget my little angel?" His arms were warm and welcoming, as was his hot breath on her neck, holding her tightly to him. His soft cologne was soothing, alluring her.

"Is this real? Or am I dreaming.Erik.you're so beautiful."

(”Oh, Angel-I mean Erik! Erik. I’m in love with an elusive fictional character and absolutely nobody else. Now, shut up and neck me!”) She sighed, growing weaker and weaker in that embrace, the pains in her chest growing. As intense as they were, they were nothing compared to the soaring of her soul.

"Where I've waited for you, I no longer look as I did then. I came with that face in your dreams, speaking to you, singing with you to make you remember. Yes, those dreams were real. I would try anything within my power to have you with me once more. (”I would even try Zumba, even though that looks ridiculous.”) I remember our past, the man that I once was, the pain you caused when you left me that time, (”and the people I’ve killed. The many, many people I’ve killed.”) but you do not. And it doesn't matter, my darling, because I'll be with you forever now. As we were meant to be on earth." He said softly, kissing her whitening forehead.

"Promise me you'll never leave me Erik.forgive me for doing this, for letting myself go.. I just couldn't handle just dreaming of you anymore. I felt so unloved, and so.unwanted in this world. (”Sure, I never said anything to Angel about my feelings, but how dare he not read my mind and immediately return them... I mean...”) I wanted to surrender to our beautiful dreams forever."

"Christine.I'll never leave you, no matter what may come between us. I never left your heart, and you never left mine. Ah, that line from long ago, my darling, anywhere you go, let me go too.I never broke my promise." (”I also promised that you would rue the day you did not do all that I asked you to do. You’d better prepare yourself for some bullshit.”)

Despite her cooling body, she felt so warm, so filled with love for this man, remembering suddenly everything, that first time when they had found love, that it was too powerful a love for Christine to accept. (...she’s still underage.) She remembered her older form, in a wedding gown, crying tears as he was, finding strength to only give him her kiss. (It took everything she had not to screw him silly right there on the altar. What? It’s her older form, in this sentence.) Everything flashed back to her, as her eyes began to close as all reflexes went in her body (including twitch, gag, and those reflex saves you make in Dungeons and Dragons) and her hand slipped from Erik's. She could only murmur that she loved him as the last breath left her body, her face showing that she was happy and free.

Erik wept and then stood with her in his arms to the mirror, entering the place where all lived in happiness after a lifetime of pain. There she became alive again, (making Erik’s weeping premature and pointless,) and they loved forever, knowing that the Phantom and Christine did exist, because of an all-consuming love.

Her mother forced open the door, noticing that all sounds from her daughter's room had ceased. (It took her a while, admittedly; actually being able to hear herself think was such a welcome relief.) She came past many books, several pages of paper scattered about, and it was full of Christine's furious handwriting. And then she stopped short of the mirror, noticing her daughter's crumpled form beside it. She looked like she was sleeping, in a wonderful dream, softly smiling. It was only when she noticed that Christine's lips were blue, that her beautiful daughter (had terrible taste in lipsick. Also she) was dead. She cried out loud, picking up her cold body in her mothering arms, smoothing the dark gold curls, and then stopped, knowing that her daughter was suddenly at peace. (Upon learning her daughter was at peace, she dropped Christine’s body like a sack of potatoes and thought no more of her death.)

She picked up the notebook that she had never been able to read, noticing that it was flung open to one certain page. She wiped her eyes and tried to read it, trembling. (She then immediately closed it, realizing it was a collection of thinly veiled sexual fantasies under the pretense of fiction. Having been a teenage girl, herself, Christine’s mom knew better than to fall down that particular rabbit hole. Instead, she picked up a notebook that wasn’t titled like a cheap bodice-ripper and began to read.)

"When she loved him, he was her everything. He lived for her, for the light in her eyes, her voice. She loved him, it did not matter what he looked like, as long as he loved her with the same passion to which she gave him. To live without her, he would most certainly die.and in doing so, he waited in heaven to meet her again, where they would never be separated.. "

(”Of course, then the honeymoon began to peter out on their eternal love. It had been fun and exciting for the first few months, of course. How couldn’t it? She’d whipped herself into an all-fired frenzy, imagining what it would be like to have eternal love, and he’d been so incredibly flattered to have somebody that devoted to him that he couldn’t help but feel a sort of contact high from the emotions running rampant.

(”As time wore on, however, it started to become obvious that she had been so starved for her desires, she had merely come to adore what little her new heavenly husband could provide. Once the embers had managed to cool, she was left with the haunting realization that no man could ever hope to climb the incredible pedestal she had built, on which her lover was meant to stand. Oh, he would try. Like the devil, he would try. For all his effort, though, he would always be left... wanting.

(”The fights would happen, soon afterwards. Not that they were any one’s fault, in particular. They both were confused, and frustrated, and wondering why it was that love suddenly seemed so much more complicated than it was when they were simply daydreaming. It could only end one of two ways, from there: either they could reconcile their visions of love with the realities of life and the world, or theirs would be one of the thousands of relationships every day sacrificed upon the altar of their childish vision of “love.””)

Yes, her daughter most certainly did(”)love(”)the phantom of the opera...