#this was more of an introspection than anything | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

eternal-love-song · 3 days ago

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In Flowers And Blood

Siffrin swallows his feelings and coughs up flowers.

[Siffrin/Odile]

[Hanahaki Disease, Siffrin POV, Angst, Angst with a happy ending, Second Person POV, Character Study, Relationship Study, Introspection, Pre-canon (at first)]

You knew you were in trouble the first time you went drinking together.

You had still been a little uncertain about your place in the party. You were the fastest attacker, sure, and your scissors attacks had really come in handy, but you hadn't yet settled in with them outside of battle. You'd barely figured out how to make Isabeau laugh, Mirabelle acted like she was afraid of you half the time, and Odile was cold. You constantly thought you were doing something wrong and tried to keep out of the way as much as possible.

Mostly, that meant that you lurked on the edges of conversations being silent and still so as not to interrupt anything you weren't meant to be a part of. That sometimes backfired, as you'd often scared Mirabelle because she didn't realize you'd been there, but you hadn't figured out how else to handle things.

It was easier in the bar. It was just the three of you, as Mirabelle wasn't a big fan of drinking. You'd been drinking plenty of times before and no one usually expected much out of you other than telling a story or two, so you were able to relax for the first time since joining up with them.

The private table that they'd chosen made it easier to relax than if they had sat at the bar. Isabeau got all of your drink orders and brought them to the table.

Isabeau was exactly as you'd expected him to be, friendly and loud and wearing a smile that only seemed to grow over the course of the night. He told stories about his time with the Defenders that had you and Odile both making comments and jokes more easily than you ever had before.

Madame Odile was the one to surprise you. A few drinks in and she became almost a different person. Warmer, looser, and full of wry commentary. She laughed more openly than you'd ever heard her. She teased you instead of making the careful comments that you had been used to.

It was nice!

You found yourself trying to tell your own stories just to join in with them. You didn't think that you had anything very interesting to say, but Isabeau seemed to hang on your every word and Madame Odile looked at you with keen interest. For once you found the attention nice instead of suffocating.

When you got back to your room at the Inn, Isabeau ended up passing out on the couch without even making it to the bed. You fumbled your shoes off at the door and helped Madame Odile to the other bed in the room. She was a bit shakier than you were. Her tolerance was higher, but because of that she had also drunk a lot more to get to the level of drunk she was at. You were drunk too, but the instinct to care about your friends made you careful with them where you wouldn't have been with yourself.

You spent over a minute staring at the other bed, afraid that your stumbling and shuffling into bed would wake Mirabelle, before you found yourself being pulled backward into the bed.

You squeaked! Then your face flushed darkly at the noise that came out of you. You looked over your shoulder to see Madame Odile watching you with tied eyes.

"Just go to sleep, Siffrin," she said. You could see her making herself comfortable, only withdrawing the hand she had on your shoulder once she was sure that you would stay put. "Let's leave poor Mirabelle alone, shall we?"

You nodded, not trusting your voice after the strange sound that had come out of you. You ended up staring at her for a while before eventually nestling into your pillow and letting your heavy eyelids close.

It was in the morning that you knew.

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You weren't the first one awake, you never were. But you heard Mirabelle in the bathroom and Isabeau's heavy breaths were still coming from the direction of the couch. It took a while for you to wake up. You blinked slowly as you tried to force yourself awake. Once you did, all you could do was stare.

You had never been this close to Odile before. You'd never had the chance to really look at her without her catching you or making some comment about it. Odile was… really pretty. All your party members were, in your opinion, but it was different with Odile. You wanted to trace her face with your fingertips. The lines beneath her eyes that only barely smoothed in her sleep, the worry lines that scrunched up her forehead. You took it all in with a greed that surprised you.

You couldn't remember the last time you'd felt this warm and comfortable when watching another person. It wouldn't last, you knew that it wouldn't. Whatever closeness the two of you had shared last night was a one off, brought on by alcohol and the atmosphere. You couldn't expect to have the same ease again, but you desperately wanted to.

Selfishly, you moved just a tiny bit closer to her. Close enough that your head was almost pressed against her shoulder. You wouldn't dare touch her on your own, but you wanted to be closer to her, if you could just figure out how. When she shifted slightly in her sleep, enough that you were finally touching skin to skin, you almost jumped out of the bed.

Almost.

You forced yourself to remain still, too afraid that when you lost that contact you'd never get it back. It was nice. It was addictive. You knew that she had only pulled you into her bed for convenience, but the thought that she might want you there, might want you to be closer to you too made something in your chest feel warm and full.

Something in your chest… and in your throat.

You held it in. Whatever it was, you wanted to ignore it as long as possible.

An hour later, when you found yourself having a coughing fit in the bathroom, crouched beside the sink as you tried to desperately muffle the sound with your hands, you knew. Even before you opened your hand and found the small shredded petals, you knew.

You were in trouble.

It was pretty easy to ignore that tickle you felt in your throat.

At least, that's what you told yourself. With enough water and deep breathing, it hadn't progressed to the point of a coughing fit again. You could even pretend that you'd imagined the tiny, crushed things you'd found in your hand that one time. You were barely awake, after all, and you'd been drunk the night before. Your mind had probably been playing tricks on you.

You told yourself that it was nothing and then you decided to believe it.

In the time since that night, things had actually gotten a lot better! You finally felt like you fit in with your party, a little bit, at least. You and Isabeau traded jokes back and forth a lot more often. You'd gotten better at talking to Mirabelle, though you still didn't feel like you ever knew what the right thing to say to her was. And you and Madame Odile had settled into a… something.

You weren't quite sure what to call it. You both sent each other commiserating looks when you tripped over some strange and new part of Vaugardian culture. She didn't look at you with the same caution that she had prior. You felt less like a parasite intruding upon her space when you were near her.

And you wanted to be near her a lot. More than anyone else in the party.

That… was probably bad. You think if you ever said that to Mirabelle, she would cry. You didn't want to make Mirabelle cry. So you had to make sure that you didn't say anything upsetting to her. And anyway, Madame Odile would probably find it odd that you wanted to spend so much time with her.

It… was weird, wasn't it? It was clingy, at the very least. You didn't want to be clingy. You didn't want her to hate you.

You must have been doing a good job at not being weird or clingy or any of those things though, because she invited you to spend time alone with her!

You were surprised at first. Really, really surprised! It made more sense once she told you what she wanted to do. There was no way that Mirabelle or Isabeau would be interested in walking around in an antique shop all day. Isabeau was usually pretty loud and energetic, while Mirabelle was pretty anxious. You didn't think either of them would enjoy being cooped up in a cramped old shop very much.

Even if it was only because you were her only option, you still appreciated being asked. You enjoyed sharing space with her. You liked that you didn't feel pressured to speak around her like you often did with the others. You could just as easily walk around the shop in silent solidarity as you could share a simple conversation with each other. It was nice.

"Siffrin," Odile called to you softly, leaning down over one of the shelves. "Come here."

You walked around one of the tables that cluttered the center of the shop to get to her side. There was barely enough space for you to slip between the aisles, you couldn't imagine someone as big as Isabeau being comfortable here. You stopped a few steps away from Odile, not wanting to crowd her in the already cramped shop.

She pointed to a small collection of glass figurines. Fat, round things with exaggerated expressions. Laughter, surprise, horror, anger… There were about a dozen of them all clustered together. "I'm curious, which of these do you think would suit us all?"

She was wearing a teasing expression, lips quirked up into a wry smirk. The question felt like a trap, but not a mean one. You knew she was going to think whatever you picked was silly, but you hoped that you'd be able to get a laugh out of her, at least.

You sorted through the little figures for a few minutes before you finally settled on your final picks. "This one is Isa." The one you pointed to was particularly short, but it had its hands on a round belly and looked like it was laughing loudly, so you knew it fit. It gots a small chuckle out of her and you thought it was because of how stout the figure looked compared to Isabeau. "Next… these two are Mira." One had an absolutely horrified expression and the other looked ready to fight.

Odile's laugh was nearly a snort. "Yes, I'd say that fits our little housemaiden perfectly."

The last one that you pointed to was showing teeth in a smile. You couldn't tell if it was teasing or threatening. You thought that fit Madame Odile better you could describe her in words. "This one is you."

She didn't laugh, but her smirk did widen. She picked up the little figure to examine it closely. "So this is how you see me, is it?" Her words had a teasing lilt when she looked at you. You found yourself shrinking into your cloak and your face darkening without being fully sure why.

"Do you think I'm wrong?" you asked.

"Oh no, I think you've read me perfectly." She flashed you a smile. It reminded you of the figure, dangerous and teasing. You liked it more than you thought you should.

She carefully sat the figure back down. After a brief glance at the collection of figures, she picked out another one. This one looked kind of mysterious. Most of its body was hidden and even though it was smiling, you couldn't quite figure out what the smile meant. Was it joking? Did it know a secret? She held it out to you and dropped it into your hand.

"That one is you," she said.

You weren't sure what to think of it, other than feeling kind of warm and happy that she thought about you. "What makes this one me?"

Odile smiled as she stood straight. "I think I'll let you figure that one out on your own," she said with a slaugh.

You watched her as she walked away to look through the other shelves. Your hand curled gently around the figure. You felt a little hiccup in your thought, but you decided to ignore that. The warmth you felt in your cheeks was more worthy of attention than the little scratching of your throat.

And if you coughed into your hand on your way out of the shop, well, you didn't bother looking at your hand so you didn't see anything that may have been worth fretting over.

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You were able to see a new side of Odile once you found Bonnie. Really, Bonnie's presence revealed a new side to all of you. Isabeau acted sillier, Mirabelle smiled more often, and Odile… she didn't get softer, exactly, but she changed in more subtle ways. She explained herself more often, she corrected them and they absorbed every new word she offered enthusiastically, and she played along with them.

You… were the same. At least, you thought that you were. Except that now you had a new shadow that followed you around most of the time. You were flattered by the attention and tried really hard to impress them. But that was true of most of your party.

You liked Bonnie. You liked the way that they made your friends smile more. You liked the food that they cooked. Most of all, you liked watching the way Odile sent small smiles their way whenever they did something she thought was clever.

"You know," you whisper to her when you catch her secretly smiling. "I'd almost think that you liked our new kid."

Madame Odile huffed, holding her book higher and hiding her face. "You're imagining things."

She was cute like this. Cute in a different way from Mira or Isa or anyone else. She was letting more and more pieces of herself slip out around you all and you liked it. You loved it! You wished that you could get to know her even more, even better.

You coughed. It went on for just long enough that she raised an eyebrow at you.

"Are you alright there, Siffrin?"

You nodded, keeping your hand glued to your mouth. "Just… need water?"

She nodded and handed you your canteen so that you could drink. You took a long sip without looking at your hand. You felt better afterwards, so you didn't think about it anymore than that.

"We don't need you getting sick," she told you. "Best take care."

You felt warm.

"Thanks."

You found yourself split into pairs more often with Bonnie around. They required a lot of attention and it was easier to give it to them when there was someone that you could tag team with. It was easiest with Isa. He could pick Bonnie up and let them crawl over him, or he would ask questions in a way that made Bonnie feel like he was teaching them something when they answered. You found it easy to play off Isabbeau. Either it was the two of you making jokes together and teasing Bonnie, or it was you and Bonnie teaming up to tease Isabeau. Isa rarely joined Bonnie in teasing you, but you were alright with that.

It was most difficult with Mirabelle. The two of you had very difficult levels of care and she often got worried watching you and Bonnie together or else misunderstood something that you meant as a joke for them. She'd been very concerned about you showing them tricks with your dagger, likewise when you offered to show them how to hold it even though they used a knife regularly when cooking. You knew that it was just because Mirabelle was really anxious and worried about them hurting themselves, but it still made you self conscious a lot and caused you to second guess your actions around them a lot.

Of course, you enjoyed it most when it was you and Odile. Bonnie often thought that the two of you were boring together, but Odile took all the comments about her age in stride and they always listened to what she said. You were a bit better at indulging them and she was better at being stern, which meant that neither of you had to act much differently to keep their attention contained between them.

"This is boring," Bonnie complained after staring at the two of you for a full minute. You were sitting side by side, your gaze fixed on a bird hopping around on the ground while Odile was watching one perched on a branch above them. You could see her scribbling things done every so often but you didn't try to look at what she wrote. "You're not even doing anything."

"No one told you that you had to stay behind with us, Boniface," Odile answered without missing a beat.

Bonnie pouted and visibly deflated. "I thought I'd get to see you do secret old people things."

You snickered. They were watching you do secret old person things, but they'd wanted to see something exciting and dangerous, not calm and relaxing. You decide to show them mercy that you knew Madame Odile would not. You reached into your pocket pulling out a handful of seeds and gestured for them to come closer. "Do you want to feed them?"

Bonnie perked up a bit. "Can I?"

Bonnie almost ran to your side, but you quickly gestured for them to slow down and walk so that they didn't scare away the birds. You dumped half your seeds into the palm of their hand. "Start by throwing them out further away and then you can leave some closer to lure them in."

Bonnie was nodding eagerly, like you'd just imparted some secret knowledge to them. Perhaps you had. They were pretty young after all.

They threw out almost all their seeds immediately, which you kind of expected. You tossed your seeds a bit closer, hoping that you could get something to come a bit closer to you.

You didn't even need to watch that long before a few birds had taken the bait and begun hopping on the ground closer to you all.

"Whoa," they whispered with large, entranced eyes. They could be really cute when they got like this.

"Would you like to know more about that bird there?" Odile asked, nodding toward one of the birds in particular.

"Like what?" they asked. "They're all just birds, right?"

Odile smiled like she was telling them a secret. "Oh no, not at all. These birds are all quite different from each other."

Bonnie squinted at her like they expected this to be a trick. "Like what?"

The next hour was spent with Odile telling Bonnie a few facts that she knew about birds and you adding stories that you'd mostly made up off the top of your head, sometimes based on things Odile told him. It was fun! You were both pretty good at bouncing off each other and she had the poker face to make it hard for Bonnie to tell when she was joking or poking fun at them.

You hoped that you were able to have more days like this. Calm, lazy days where you didn't feel like you needed to worry too much.

When Mira and Isa returned, Bonnie ran over to them almost immediately, scarring off all the birds that had previously gathered. You laughed at their enthusiasm while Odile just sighed. She closed her book and turned to you. "Shall we?"

She got to her feet, pausing as she looked down at him. She reached out to him, her hand brushing across his hair and making him shiver briefly. "You had feathers in your hair," she told you.

You didn't see it, but then again, you didn't really check. Your eyes were glued to her and the small smile that she had saved just for you. The smile that only came out when you were both alone. A smile that was a little teasing, a little playful, a little knowing, a little sincere…

A little bit of everything that made your heartbeat a little weird and your face heat up.

You kept watching her even as she walked away.

You had to cough a few times before you leveraged yourself to your feet. Odile had already turned away though, so there was no one to see. No one to worry.

You cleared your throat and went to join everyone else.

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The coughing started coming more often. You did your best to hold it in, to hide it from the others. You didn’t want them worrying about you. You pressed your hand to your mouth and coughed, and coughed, until your hand was full of petals.

You didn’t look at them.

You wiped your hand off on the grass to scatter the petals and drank water until the burning in your throat passed.

You told yourself that you'd be fine.

And you were!

For a while, you were.

And then you messed up.

"Siffrin!"

You squeezed your arms tight around Bonnie, even as pain lashed through one side of your face. You took the hit for them, but the blow still tossed the both of you a few feet backward. You could hear the others coming to finish it off even as you screamed in pain. But you refused to let Bonnie go. You didn't want them seeing how hurt you were.

"Frin?"

You bit your tongue to stop your screaming. You wanted to say that you were okay, but if you opened your mouth, you wouldn't be able to stop yourself again.

"Siffrin." Odile's voice, but your eyes were closed too tightly to see her. "Let me see the damage." You felt her hands on your face, tilting your head. "Shattered gems!"

That didn't sound good.

Bonnie started to squirm in your arms. "What's going on? I want to see!"

You held them tighter and bit your tongue harder. You couldn’t scream again, you couldn’t make them worry. You couldn’t let Bonnie see.

It hurt so much that you couldn't tell if the wetness on your face was from blood or tears. It was all you could do to hold Bonnie and bite your tongue. All you could think about was how it hurt, hurt, hurt!

"Siffrin." Odile's hand moved from your face to your arm. "Let go of Boniface. I'll take him."

Your arms were locked in place. You weren't sure that you could let go without losing your grip on everything. All of your control was wrapped up together in a tight ball of tension. You couldn't. You just couldn't.

"Siffrin." For one moment, you felt Odile's arms around you, embracing you as she squeezed Bonnie between you both. "It's okay, you can let go."

You felt warm.

You let go.

When you woke up, it was either several hours or several days later. You were alone, except for Odile sitting in the chair by your bed, eyes focused on her book. As soon as you began to stir, she was closing it to look at you, though. All of her attention was on you as she leaned closer.

"Ah, Siffrin." Her voice was softer than normal. Her eyes trailed over her with careful precision. "How are you feeling?"

You opened your mouth to answer and…

You coughed.

You couldn't stop coughing. You pressed a hand to your mouth as you coughed and coughed and…

Odile helped you sit up, one hand gripping your shoulder tightly. It took longer than you expected to get yourself under control. You looked down at your palm when she turned away to get you a glass of water. In the center of your palm was a mess of blood and petals. You closed your fist tight and hid your hand beneath the blanket.

"I'll help you," she said, holding the glass up for you. You lifted your other hand to take hold of the glass and she waited until she was sure your grip was firm before she let go.

You empted the glass before asking what happened.

You'd never seen that look on her face before. She looked… conflicted. Distressed.

You did that.

You did that to her.

You made her feel that way.

You needed to fix it. You needed to undo whatever it was that you did to make her look so unhappy.

"Siffrin, your eye…" Odile took a deep breath, steeling herself. "They couldn't…"

Oh. Your eye.

You brought your hand up to your injured side, surprised to find bandages there. Even without her finishing the statement, you understood what she had been trying to say. You remembered the pain that you were in, the way that you could barely stop yourself from screaming.

"It's gone, isn't it?"

To Odile's credit, she didn't hesitate as much when answering you. "Yes. I'm so sorry."

You wished that you could reach out and smooth away the worry lines from her face. You wished that you could hold her hand and tell her that you would be fine. You wished that, you wished…

You… didn't wish for anything. You took a breath deep enough to be certain that you wouldn't cough and you said, "I'm fine."

You tried to smile, but from the look that she gave you, you weren't sure that it worked.

You were a failure.

You couldn't make Odile feel better. You couldn't lift her burdens.

You were one.

"Siffrin." You hated the exasperation you heard in her voice more than anything else.

You placed the glass on the table beside you.

Or, you tried to. You missed and only realized it when you heard the sound of glass shattering on the floor.

You stared at your hand as if it had betrayed you.

"It's alright," she told you. "I'll take care of it later."

You curled up in a ball and pulled the blanket over your head, hoping to disappear.

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You knew what was happening to you and, despite your best efforts, you couldn't keep ignoring it. You had hoped that it would go away, that you were imaging things. You hoped that the coughing was a symptom of something else, the petals just your imagination. But as you stared into the sink, cluttered with handfuls of petals and splatters of blood, you had to admit to yourself what was happening.

You were sick.

You were dying.

It was a slow death. You'd cough more and more often. There would be more petals, and then flowers, and then roots taking hold in your lungs until there was no room for anything else. You would bleed; maybe from coughing your throat raw, maybe from the flowers scratching up your insides, maybe you'd drown in it, unable to cough everything up in time. The details didn't really matter. All that mattered was that you were on a time limit now and a rather short one at that.

You pressed your back to the door and let yourself slide to the floor. You were alone for the first time since your injury, so you didn't have to worry about taking too long or pretending to feel better than you did.

You hurt.

Your throat, your eye, even your lungs from all the coughing you'd just done. It all hurt so much and you didn't want to pretend that it didn't.

But you would.

You would.

You would pretend for them, so that you didn't make them worry.

You were already on your way to becoming dead weight, you didn't want to make it worse. You were too close to the end to start holding them back.

You tried to remember what you knew about this disease, or even what it was called, but you… couldn't. Trying to do so just made your head hurt along with everything else. You didn't remember, you just… knew.

You knew that you were going to die from this. You didn't know why.

Well, that wasn't entirely true. Even if you didn't know, even if you had tried not to know, you couldn't lie to yourself forever. There was something in you. Something… longing. Something hungry. Something desperate and disgusting and selfish.

Something that you didn't want to look at too closely. Didn't want anyone else to look at. You didn't know how to make yourself stop… wanting.

You knew that you cared about your friends much more than they cared about you and you tried to be content with that. You tried not to think about the fact that you would lose them when you beat The King.

If you beat The King…

If you beat The King, and they left you like you knew they would, you would be alone again… wouldn't you?

You desperately didn't want to be alone but even more than that…

Even more than that…

If you could just keep one of them…

You knew that it was selfish. You knew that it would be beyond presumptuous to even ask. You knew that you didn't deserve any of them. But if you could stay with any one of them, you… knew… who you would choose.

You coughed.

You coughed and you choked and you cried tears that only fell from one eye. You slammed a fist against the ground as you coughed and wailed. Your vision was blurry as you watched flower petals and splatters of blood hit the floor and then be diluted by tears.

You hoped and you hated and you wanted and you wished and you…

You heard the opening in the other room open.

You pressed a hand to your mouth to muffle the sound of your coughing, but you couldn't stop. You curled up into a ball and closed your eyes.

You knew that you would need to clean everything up to hide it from your party. You knew that you couldn't take too long or else they would start to worry. But you couldn't bring yourself to get up just yet. So you stayed on the ground, you curled up so tightly that it made your stomach hurt, and waited for the coughing to stop.

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By the time you reached Dormont, the others were convinced that you were sick. You hadn't been able to hide your coughing as well as you'd wanted to. The fits had become a little too frequent for that. No one had noticed the petals though or the blood, so you were fine.

You had to be fine.

You needed to fight The King. You didn't have the luxury of not being fine.

Everyone else knew that, too. As much as they hadn't wanted to let you fight with them, they couldn't deny that they would need all the help that you could do.

So you had one more chance. One more chance to be useful to them. One more chance to help them. One more chance to be with them and smile with them, to fight with them and struggle with them, to make them laugh and give them a good memory of you to keep before they left you behind.

You coughed. Hard.

You covered your mouth, but you knew that there was no stopping these fits at this point. You were resigned to just hiding the petals and hoping that there wasn't much blood this time.

"That cough of yours is getting worse," Odile said. You jumped, surprised to find her standing next to you when the others had already walked on past you. She was frowning at you, giving you the stern look that you knew was her way of expressing concern more than it was a look of disapproval.

You thought there might have also been disapproval there.

You thought that she would tell you that you needed to keep it together for the fight. You thought that she might have wanted to tell you not to hold them all back. You thought that she might have wanted to scold you for getting sick in the eleventh hour. Or if she wouldn't have said that, you thought that maybe she should.

She should be mad at you for potentially crippling them at the last moment like this. You were certainly mad at yourself, so it would only make sense if she was mad at you too.

You didn't want Odile to be mad at you.

You really, really didn't want to disappoint her.

You wished…

Another fit of coughing interrupted your thought before you could finish it.

Odile waited for you to get yourself under control before you a canteen of water. You drank greedily, trying to wash down the clutter in your throat. It would have been better to spit them out, but you couldn't do that with her watching you.

"Once this whole business with The King is done, we are going to make you rest," she told you sternly.

You managed to smile at her. "Going to nurse me back to health?"

She surprised you by returning the smile. "If need be," she told you. "Though I think the others would be better suited to the task."

"But your company would be more enjoyable."

She… stared.

You realized your mistake all at once and scrambled to think of something that didn't sound so clingy and weird. "I-I mean, you're a lot quieter so it would be easier to rest!"

It was a weak reasoning but it was all that you'd been able to come up with.

She stared at you for a while longer, a considering look upon her face before she eventually nodded at you. "I suppose that is true. Boniface would be rather disruptive, for all he would want to cook something to make you feel better."

"And Mirabelle would be too worried," you added.

"And Isabeau might tip you into a coughing fit with the way the two of you can't seem to help telling jokes to each other," she went on.

It was nice, being able to talk to her this way. You wished that you could move closer to her, maybe lean against her shoulder or take her hand.

But you knew better than to indulge silly, selfish thoughts like that. Odile didn't like to touch people. And more than that, none of them liked to touch you. You shouldn't even think about things like that.

"Let's not get too far behind," she said, gesturing toward the others. They'd gotten pretty far ahead of you now, but that didn't matter as much in a town as small as dormont. "We'd best settle in. We have a difficult day ahead of us."

Your agreement felt hollow when all you wanted was to stay at her side and continue talking with her.

"Yeah," you agreed anyway.

You all spent the rest of the day apart.

When you ended up standing before the Favor Tree, you finally managed to gather together your repressed thoughts and feelings. You didn't want to die. Not now. Not like this.

You didn't want to die holding everything inside you. You didn't want to end up as a flowerbed to your buried feelings. You didn't think that you had much of a choice though.

Tomorrow you would fight The King.

Tomorrow you might die.

You didn't want to die, but you didn't want to watch the others die either. Maybe if you could protect them, if you could spend your life doing something worthwhile, it might not be so bad.

But…

But you…

You wanted…

You wished…

You wished…………

You whispered into the leaf, you folded it over, and then you let it go. Off into the Universe.

You spent a few minutes staring at nothing, standing in silence, feeling absolutely empty. Almost peaceful.

Eventually, you told yourself that you had to go. You had to move. You made yourself smile, you turned around, and you left the Favor Tree behind you.

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Your trip into the house ended in failure.

No, worse than that, it started in failure.

But on the bright side, you could only go up from there. You failed forward through the house, slowly making your way past locked doors and traps and Sadnesses.

Mirabelle doubted herself nearly every step of the way. You wished that you could tell her how amazing she was without her looking at you like she didn't believe a word you said. You wished you could tell her that the only weak link in the party was you. You wished that you weren't the thing holding everyone back, but you also knew that you were the reason that they could make it forward at all.

Isabeau would try to cheer her up with words, which got a weak smile in turn. Bonnie would try to cheer her up with snacks, which got a much brighter, much faker smile. Odile tried to offer logic and advice, which… was the best response any of you were able to pull from her honestly.

You wished that you had the same grounded approach that Madame Odile had to helping Mirabelle. But you didn't. All you knew how to do was to open your mouth and crack jokes.

And you couldn't even do that right anymore as half the time you opened your mouth, you would cough. And then Mirabelle was right back to worrying. Right back to doubting. Right back to creased eyebrows and a small frown and biting her nails until someone else was able to take her hand and get her to stop.

"I don't know how you're always able to get through to her," you said quietly, when it was just you and Odile standing together, watching as the others talked about some diary they'd found. "Sometimes I think you're the only one she listens to."

"Perhaps," she replied, just as quietly as you. "But I would never be able to make her smile the way that you and Isabeau do. We all have our roles, Siffrin."

She was right. You all had your roles.

Odile's role was to keep Mirabelle grounded.

And your role was to die. Over and over again until your friends were finally able to make it through the house.

It was the only thing that you could do, so you might as well do it.

"We all have our roles," you repeated to yourself. Then you turned back to the room to make sure you'd gathered everything you needed to.

[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]

When The King killed you for the first time, you'd felt helpless. It had taken everything you had just to get to The King in the first place and then he'd taken you out in one strike. One devastating blow that had shown you just how outclassed you all were.

You tried to think of anything that you could do, any way that you could move forward, but you… couldn't.

You couldn't!

All you could think about was the strange vision that you had gotten. An image of a tree sprouting up out of your chest until you were buried beneath its roots and your still beating heart dangled from one of the branches.

Was that your fate? Would that be all that you would be remembered as?

You laid in the field until Mirabelle woke you up.

And then you laid beneath the Favor Tree until the stars came out.

And then kept laying there. You kept waiting, kept watching, as your thoughts spun around you. Around and around in a big, overwhelming storm that left you thinking about everything and nothing all at once.

You weren't seeing anything that was around you. You felt the ground beneath your back, saw the branches overhead, and you thought about the way those branches stretched into the sky without ever reaching it. You thought of how hopeless it was for a tree to reach for the stars.

You wondered if it was hopeless for you to try and beat The King.

You wondered if all your desires were hopeless.

"There you are." You blinked back to reality, turning your head to the side and watching as Odile marched over to you. "We've been looking all over for you."

You found that a little hard to believe, when you've been in this same spot for most of the afternoon. Then again, they’d probably only started looking for you once you had missed dinner. There wouldn't have been any reason to think anything was wrong before that.

Odile stared down at you for a minute before lowering herself onto the ground next to you. "Alright, what is it?"

Your brow furrowed in confusion. "What is what?"

Odile huffed like you were being difficult. "What is wrong, Siffrin? Mirabelle said that you were napping earlier and even as much as you like your sleep, I doubt you've been asleep this whole time." She tilted her head to look at you, but you couldn't tell what her expression meant.

For one moment, your head was completely empty. You couldn't think of a single problem, a single positive, a single fact that had led you to this moment. You couldn't think of anything you could say that would justify putting that concerned look on her face. You couldn't think of anything that was worth worrying her.

"You're thinking too hard," she told you after waiting a while for you to speak.

"H-huh?"

"I can practically see you scrambling to figure out what to say." Part of you froze at being read so easily, but Odile had always been able to read you. You'd never been sure if you were just easy to read or if she understood you better than anyone else. "You don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to, I'm not going to make you talk. I do think that you'll feel better if you talk about what's on your mind, however."

You tried to think about what you could tell her. Which of the million thoughts that were clogging up your head could you actually release into the air without feeling like they would just start eating you from the outside instead.

"I'm… worried about fighting The King."

Odile barked a laugh. "Yes, I think we're all rather concerned about that." She shakes her head, a wry smile on her lips. "Mirabelle's worry is… rather obvious, I think. And potent. Isabaeu won't dare say anything that would risk morale, but I doubt that he hasn't considered how dangerous this all is. Boniface may be young, but they are anything but stupid, they know that this is dangerous even if they have chosen to focus on everything but the fear they are surely feeling."

You waited for her to say something about herself and when she didn't, you sat up to look at her more closely. "What about you? You never talk about how you're feeling, Odile."

Silence fell between the two of you. You didn't mind. You were willing to wait for her to confide in you if you had to, if she wanted to. You wouldn't have pushed her. You never pushed any of them, too afraid of potentially overstepping the tentative place that you had been allowed.

"I'm worried that we are walking into our own graves," she finally answered, keeping her eyes on her hand, where they rested in her lap.

Your breath caught in your throat. Not because you'd been surprised by what she said, you were pretty sure you all worried that tomorrow might be your last day, but by the fact that she'd actually said it. By the fact that Odile had chosen to talk to you about her worry.

Your silence must have worried her, or maybe she felt encouraged to keep going once she'd started. You weren't sure, but either way, she had added more. "I know that it isn't appropriate to say such a thing the night before a big battle. Mirabelle would crumble if she heard me saying such a thing, and Isabeau would try fruitlessly to cheer me up. I don't find it helpful to ignore the inevitable, though."

"That isn't really fair to you," you'd told her. "That you have to keep that all bottled inside for our sake."

She looked at you, her expression a myriad tangle of sadness, bitterness, and resignation. "No, perhaps not," she admitted. "But neither is it fair to all of Vaugarde that some tyrant has decided to freeze them all in time. Neither is it fair that Mirabelle is the one that has to carry the weight of victory or defeat on her shoulders." She reached up to touch one of the gems that dangled on the end of her glasses, cradled it. "None of this is fair. Life never is. We carry on anyway… or we die. That is always how it's been."

"I won't let you die tomorrow!" You blurted out the words before you could help yourself.

She turned to look at you with more raw surprise than you'd ever seen on her face. Then it smoothed down into something softer. Pitying, maybe. Unconvinced, surely. "Siffrin…"

"I mean it," you insisted. "Maybe… maybe I can't do anything about The King yet, but I'll figure out a way. I promise… I won't let you die. I'll do anything… to keep you from dying tomorrow.."

Even if it meant throwing yourself into a meat grinder over and over and over again. Even if it meant being crushed by The King a thousand times. Even if he had to be frozen by tears or killed by Sadnesses… Even if he had to die, and die, and die, and die…

Even if the only way that he survived was as a bloody tree with its heart hanging from the branches, he refused to let her die. To let any of them die!

"That's not the sort of promise you should make Siffrin."

"But I am!" you said stubbornly. You felt a familiar tickle in the back of your throat, but you ignored it.

Odile sighed as she turned to look at you full on. "That's not the sort of weight that you should bear."

"But I will!" You moved onto your knees, just so that you could be closer to her, so that you could look into her eyes and show her that you were determined. That you meant every word that you were saying. Maybe she wouldn't believe you anyway, but you wanted her to know! You wanted her to see.

"Siffrin…" She sounded tired. You hated it.

"Odile," you said back, voice hard and certain.

She softened again. You knew it wasn't with pity that time, but you didn't know what it was. She reached out to you, placed a hand on your shoulder. You shivered under the touch, but she didn't remove it. "Siffrin, you can't make a promise like that. You don't know what will happen tomorrow. I know that you want to help, but lying… won't help me."

You felt… cold.

Something in your heart twisted painfully.

Something in your chest felt horribly broken.

You opened your mouth to speak, to say anything to try and change her mind. Anything you could think of to make her believe you!

You opened your mouth and all that came out was a harsh, painful cough. It raked your throat raw on the first few heaves, but it didn't stop.

"Siffrin?" Odile's hands tightened on your shoulders as your hands went to your throat. You were choking. You could feel something stuck in your throat. You… couldn't breathe… "Siffrin!"

Her hands tightened on your shoulder as you coughed, and choked, and wheezed.

You hunched over, one hand resting uselessly around your throat while the other hovered in front of your mouth as if you could shield her from it. You couldn't think about that though, not really. Your mind could only focus on how much you needed to breathe, how hard you were coughing and wheezing, how desperately you needed to--

You felt the wet, sticking thing land in your palm. All at once, you were free. You could breathe.

You gasped, drawing in large. desperate breaths. There was a rattle in your throat. It wasn't clear yet. something was still there. The more you gasped, the closer you got to another fit, but you couldn't stop.

You felt Odile's hands shaking where they still grasped your shoulders tightly. "Siffrin…"

You coughed.

Splatters of blood and petals hit the ground with each cough. Your eye had watered so much that you could barely see.

When you managed to blink your vision clear, you felt frozen. On the ground between you and Odile, was a flower. Not a handful of petals, but a bloodstained wisteria.

You lifted your head slightly and met Odile's horrified gaze before--

You woke up in the field, staring at the sky.

You only had three thoughts circling around in your head.

Tomorrow, you were going to die.

You were never going to see past tomorrow.

No matter what you did, how hard you tried, how much you died, you were never going to be able to get closer to Odile.

You imagined yourself as fertilizer for a wisteria tree.

You refused to move when Mirabelle came to wake you.

You refused to move at all.

You just laid still and hoped that the earth would swallow you whole while you coughed and cried and laid in a grave of your own feelings.

[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]

Your new reality became filled with flowers. It was impossible to get through an entire floor in the house without coughing. When you coughed, you found flowers with the crushed petals in your hand. The increased frequency was a lot harder to hide.

Anytime Bonnie was near you they commented that you smelled like flowers.

Mirabelle was constantly brushing missed petals off of you.

Isabeau hovered around you whenever a coughing fit started.

Madame Odile watched you like a hawk.

There wasn't anything that you could do to stop it. There wasn't a way for you to hide it anymore.

You tried to anyway.

You searched as hard as you could through the house, looking for any hint that you could find on how to beat The King. The longer your search went on though, the harder it became.

The coughing became so bad, so frequent, that they stopped asking you if you were okay after each fit. They knew you weren't okay.

Every loop you got a little more pale, a little more short of breath. Fighting was getting harder.

Trying was getting harder.

But you'd made a promise that you wouldn't let them die. You wouldn't let this all end in failure. You had to keep going for them.

"Siffrin," Mirabelle pulled you aside before your fight with The King. "Are you sure…" She looked unsure, almost afraid to say what was on her mind. She steadied herself anyway and pushed the question out. "Are you sure that you want to… that you can fight with us?"

The ever present pain in your lungs felt like a needle of ice.

"What?"

"It's just… you're… you don't look very…"

"I'm fine!" You said it too quickly. Your smile was too thin. Mirabelle didn't believe you.

Slowly, she reached out for your hands. She hesitated.

Why did they always hesitate? Why did no one want to touch you? Did they know? Could they see how selfish you were? Could they see the roots of sickness beneath your veins? Did they know that you were so disgustingly attached to them that it was bleeding out of you? Pouring out you in a mess of earth and blood and pain?

Mirabelle took your hands anyway. "You don't have to do this," she told you, soft but determined. "If you aren't feeling well, we'll… we'll find a way to fight The King all on our own! I… I know that we can do it if we just… so please… Please, Siffrin. If you aren't feeling well… if you don't think that you can do it…"

She… didn't believe in you either, did she?

Of course she didn't. Of course she didn't!

Why would Mirabelle think you were someone that she could depend on? Why would she think that she could rely on you? All you did was get in their way, slow them down, cause them trouble.

You'd never been reliable. You forgot everything. You slowed them down by losing an eye. You were no better than the parasite that was ravaging you from the inside. You were filling up the air around them, taking up precious space, smothering them, suffocating them! You were just a weight pressing down on them all. A dead weight at the end of a chain that they couldn't get rid of.

You were nothing.

You coughed into your shoulder once, twice, before getting yourself under control. You smiled at her. Weak. You knew it was weak. It was all that you could do.

"I'll be fine, Mira. I wouldn't make you do this alone."

"She's right. Siffrin." Odile stepped up behind Mirabelle. You wondered if everyone had been listening, but you didn't turn to find out. You didn't want to know. You didn't want to see what they thought about you written on all of their faces. It was bad enough seeing the way Mirabelle looked at you like you were made of glass.

You didn't want to see the way that Odile was looking at you, but you couldn't help yourself. You had to look. You had to look at her. Your hands tightened in Mirabelle's as you raised your head.

Odile's expression was… hard. Stone. There was none of the softness that Mirabelle had shown you. Odile looked at you like you were…

Like you were nothing…

"You shouldn't push yourself even harder than you already have," Odile continued. "You've already done enough. Let us take care of The King. You and Boniface can wait out here."

"What?" Bonnie yelled out. "No! No way! I'm not-"

You stopped listening.

You stopped breathing.

You stopped thinking.

You fell to your knees, hands still held in Mirabelle's. "Siffrin!"

You felt cold.

No, you felt worse than cold.

You felt like a corpse. You felt like fertilizer. You'd be better off if you curled up and died on the floor right then and there.

You all had your roles…

Your role was…. nothing…

You laughed. Or maybe you sobbed. It was hard to tell. It didn't matter when it devolved into coughing anyway. Coughing turned into choking.

You hacked up flower after flower, spitting them onto the floor at your friends feet.

You coughed and you cried and you choked and--

You woke up in a field.

That was okay. You probably wouldn't have beaten The King anyway.

[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]

You decide to focus on helping your friends. You might as well, right? You weren't good at anything else! All you could do was cough and die to The King and fail at being anything to anyone!

But maybe there was something that even someone like you could do.

So you tried to help them.

You taught Bonnie's how to fight, and you looped, and you commiserated with Mirabelle, and you looped, and you searched for a familytale, and you looped, and listened to Isabeau's troubles, and you looped, and you found a way to fight The King, and you…

And you won!

You won!

You beat The King!

You beat The King… and you looped anyway.

You… really were useless, weren't you.

You laughed so hard you cried. Then you cried so hard you choked. Then you choked so hard that you couldn't even feel Mirabelle's healing craft working on you as she desperately tried to heal you.

When you woke up again, it didn't even feel like it mattered.

Every loop you only got worse. You only got more useless. Mirabelle and Odile were probably right that they could just fight The King without you. You were barely better than dead weight at this point.

You still wanted to see her though.

Even if you knew that you didn't deserve to, even if you knew that you were a worthless, disgusting, parasite of a person, you still wanted to… be near her.

You went to get the familytale and you brought it to Odile.

You sidestepped her questions about how you knew what she wanted and you just… listened. You listened as she shared more of herself with you than she ever had before. You thought about the fact that you only had this knowledge, this moment, because you were stuck in time. You thought about the fact that she never would have chosen to share this with you if you things were normal.

Would she have told you any of this if she didn't think you were all going to die tomorrow?

Would she have told you any of this, if you hadn't manipulated her by giving her the exact thing that she's wanted all along?

Would she ever want to see you again if she knew?

"Siffrin?" You turned your head in Odile's direction, but you weren't seeing her. You weren’t seeing anything. She reached out toward you, but she stopped before touching you. "Siffrin, you're crying."

"I…" You didn't know what to say. You didn't know how to explain this.

You blinked, hoping that would get rid of the tears but it didn't. You wiped your face on your cloak, but more tears took the place of those that you were wiping away.

"I… I don't…"

Odile sighed. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing…"

She couldn't have looked anymore like she didn't believe you if she was calling you a liar to your face. You deserved that, but it made you cough a few times, anyway.

Odile slammed the familytale closed and put it on the opposite side of her on the bench. She turned to face him, reaching into her pocket and producing a handkerchief, which she offered to him.

He took it.

"Siffrin, talk to me, please. I can't help you if I don't know what's wrong."

You… didn't know what you could say. How could you put any of your problems into words? How could you show your worthless self and talk about your selfish problems with someone like Odile? How could you let yourself bring her down that way?

"I… I didn't mean to.."

"Siffrin, it's fine. I'm not angry at you." She sighed, looking distinctly uncertain before she scooted closer to you. She still wasn't touching you, but she wasn't as careful about the distance between the two of you, either. "Just… I want to help."

"Why?" You couldn't stop yourself from asking the question. "Why do you… Why bother?"

Because at this point, you really weren't sure why she was bothering with someone like you. Someone that was so… awful.

The look Odile gave you was almost confused. "I would have hoped that it was obvious by now, but I suppose I only have myself to blame."

You weren't sure what she was talking about, but by this point your tears had stopped. At least enough that you could see her clearly.

"Siffrin, I don't enjoy seeing you in distress. If I can help you, I would like to do so. I would have thought that that was something of a given, since you saw fit to help me."

"So.. you want to help me because I helped you first."

Odile stared at him. "Do you really think so little of me that-"

"No!" You yelled louder than you meant to, immediately doubling over as coughed into her handkerchief. "No, I… I don't…"

"Calm down first, then you can try to speak."

You… tried. You spent a few more minutes coughing. When you were done, Odile handed you her canteen to drink from.

"Feeling a bit better?" she asked.

You nodded slowly.

"Good. You shouldn't hold things like this inside, Siffrin."

"You're one to talk," you muttered.

Odile barked a laugh. "I suppose that's fair. How about this, let's make an agreement. I'll talk about my problems more if you do the same."

"Will you really?" You asked quietly.

She smiled. "You can hold me to it. Once we beat The King, we'll talk."

You weren't sure if you could keep that promise, but you would try.

"Alright. Once we beat The King."

You thought that you might have been looking forward to talking to Odile.

So of course, you don't make it to The King. Stupid you forgot about the stupid rock and got stupidly crushed.

So that was a dead promise that only you remembered now.

Wouldn't be the first one, but this one… hurt… even more.

You clutched at your chest as you coughed. It was hard to breathe. It was… always hard to breathe. You didn't think that you had much time left. You needed to save them all while you still could.

If you still could.

You hadn't been doing a very good job of saving anyone.

[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]

You practically ran to the Favor Tree. You threw yourself down among the roots and beat your fist against the bark. You hit the tree over and over and over again.

"Why is this happening? Why are you doing this to me?"

You hit it harder and harder. You screamed louder and louder.

"Why? Why? WHY?"

You beat the tree until your fist was bloody and your throat was raw. You coughed in between blows, but you didn't stop. You just pounded your fist one after the other, demanding answers that you knew you would never get.

"Tell me why? Tell me!"

"Sif!"

Someone grabbed your wrist, holding it tightly. Gently.

You spun around, your eye wild as you tried to pull your hand away, only to be met with Isabeau's face staring right at you. He looked… concerned. Of course he was concerned. He probably thought you were crazy.

You probably were crazy. Who wouldn't be crazy?

Slowly, carefully, as if he was afraid to set you off, he pulled your hand away from the tree. He'd gone through so much trouble not to touch you before, but now he wouldn't let you go.

"Hey, buddy… What, uh, what did the tree do to you?"

You… couldn't tell him.

You didn't know what to tell him.

You let the tension leak out of your body. You felt exhausted. Your fist and your throat were both bloody and throbbing. You could feel the blood pooling in your mouth, but you didn't want to spit it out. Not where Isabeau could see.

Not that it would make that much of a difference when he had already seen you like… this.

"Let's get you to Mira, okay?"

You shook your head. You didn't want Mirabelle to see you like this. Not the day before she had to fight The King. She didn't need to carry your weight on top of everyone else's.

"I think I'm gonna have to veto that, Sif." Isabeau's expression was still worried, but he managed to smile at you a little bit. "'Cause see, it looks like my friend Sif hurt his hand, and I think my other Mirabelle would want to help with that if she could."

You stared at the ground. Your mouth was full of blood and petals.

"I could leave to bring her here," he started. "But I'm kind of concerned about leaving you alone right now. And also…" He looked at the tree, where your blood was splattered against the bark. "I think seeing this would make her even more worried, if I'm honest."

You thought about that. You're surprised that Isabeau let you think about it for as long as he did. Eventually though, you nodded.

"Alright! Then we'll go see Mirabelle!"

Isabeau hesitated before releasing your hand, then again before he decided to stand.

You looked to the side and spat out your mouthful of blood and petals. Isabeau didn't comment on it, but there was no way that he didn't see it. He was hovering at your side, undecided if he wanted to offer you a hand up or not.

You got up on your own. No reason to get blood all over him.

The two of you walked over to where Mirabelle was. She looked alarmed as soon as you showed her your bloodied hand.

"Oh no, what happened?" she asked worriedly. You felt the soothing balm of healing craft washing you. One hand, then the other. You… hesitated to ask her to heal your throat, but Isabeau did that for you.

"Uh, Mira? Do you think you can get his throat too? I, um, think he might have…"

Isabeau didn't have to explain further. Her hands hovered around your face as she begun to heal your throat too, soothing the raw scrape you felt from screaming and coughing.

The flowers were still there. You felt the heaviness in your lungs. Itt was still just that little bit difficult to breathe. It would get worse, you knew, the moment you laid eyes on Odile. But for now it was… manageable.

"Sif, do you want to talk about…" Isabeau trailed off, respecting you enough not to point out what happened in front of Mirabelle.

She jumped in anyway, eager to try and help. "If you need to talk, you know that we're here to listen, right?"

You shook your head and turned as if you would leave. Isabeau stepped in front of you.

"Yeah, not sure that's the best idea, Sif." He smiled at you, but it wasn't the smile you were used to. "Come for a walk with me?"

You sighed and nodded. You liked isabeau. You didn't mind spending time with him even if you were worried about what exactly he would say to you. He took you to the hill overlooking the house. The old lady that was usually there had gone, leaving the bench free for the two of you to sit on.

"So." He paused, looking at you. "Do you want to start or…"

He gave you another chance to approach this conversation on your own terms.

You… didn't take it.

"Alright, guess I have to be the one to do this," he said. He turned to properly face you, expression serious. "I wasn't going to say anything, since we have to fight The King tomorrow and all, but… I noticed that you seemed kinda sick lately?"

You nodded. You still didn't know what to say. You tried to curl into your cloak and disappear.

"Do you want to talk about that?" he asked cautiously.

"What is there to say?" you asked.

He stared at you.

He stared at you for a long time. Long enough that you were starting to suspect there had been a right answer to that question and you'd chosen wrong.

He folded his arms. "Alright, don't take this the wrong way, but… do you know what you have, Sif?"

You hesitated before nodding. Your uncertainty must have shown through.

"Alright. Okay. So. That kind of disease… it only comes from repressed feelings. So… you need to… talk about your feelings… for it to go away?"

You stared at him.

He stared back.

"That's it?" you asked, dumbfounded.

"Well, it's a little more complicated than that but… yeah?" He shrugged stiffly.

You knew that that couldn't be all there was to it. Part of you knew that your feelings had to be reciprocated in order to fix things. It couldn't be as simple as…

But Isabeau sounded like he knew what he was talking about. And you… you weren't even sure how you knew what you knew.

"I can't…"

"I'm going to stop you right there, Sif." He reached out for a moment, as if he was going to place a hand on your shoulder. He hesitated, nearly dropping his hand, before continuing the original action and reaching out anyway.

You flinched. but only a little.

To Isabeau's credit, he didn't remove his hand. "You can tell us anything, Sif! Whatever it is, I'm sure that any of us would be willing to listen. Just… trust in us a little bit? Please?"

You did trust them. That wasn't the problem, you just… didn't want to burden them.

"Just… think about it today?" Isabeau urged. "I know we have to fight The King tomorrow, but maybe you'd have a clearer head if you got this off your chest first? Or maybe you want to wait until after we defeat him? Just… please don't wait too long? I… don't want to watch something like this eating away at you."

Anymore, went unsaid. It was clear that he had noticed a while ago. Maybe if it wasn't for the loops, he would have waited even longer to talk to you. He didn't know that you were already much worse than whatever he'd seen before.

And… you already made a promise, didn't you? To talk to her? Even if she didn't remember, you… you promised. So you had to. You would.

After you beat The King, you would talk to Odile.

You nodded. "Alright, Isa. Thanks."

He smiled, a proper one this time. "Anytime, Sif!"

Anytime…

You… wanted to believe that.

[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]

You didn't sleep that night. You couldn't. There was too much on your mind.

You waited until everyone went to bed and then you got up and went outside to look at the stars.

You had promises to keep tomorrow, but you weren't certain that doing so would actually help you. You weren't certain that anything would help you. But you had to at least try, right? For them?

You turned when you heard the door open behind you, surprised to see Odile striding out and coming to sit beside you. "I thought I might find you out here."

"Couldn't sleep?" you asked her.

She gave you a wry smile. "I could ask you the same thing."

You turned your gaze back toward the sky. "Just… thinking. About tomorrow," you told her.

Odile's gaze didn't waiver from you. You could feel her eyes on you and it made you feel… warm. For the first time in a long time. "Yes, there is a lot about tomorrow to worry about," she agreed. "But are you certain that it isn't today's events that are weighing on you?"

You turned to look at her, wide eyed with surprise. "Huh?"

"The others were rather obvious that they were worried about you," she told you. "Mirabelle couldn't stop watching you and Isabeau was only marginally more subtle."

You lowered your face to hide in your cloak. "Oh…"

Odile smirked. "Oh, indeed. Do you want to tell me what that was all about?"

You consider it, though still aren't still what to say. Your promise was for tomorrow though, so you didn't feel bad waiting.

"After we beat The King,' you told her, parroting her own words back at her. "And… only if you tell me something, too."

Odile's smirk widened. "A bargain, is it? Alright, Siffrin, you have yourself a deal. Once we defeat The King, I'll be looking forward to you fulfilling your bargain."

You would be too.

[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]

Going through the house was relatively easy.

Relatively, because you could still feel the heaviness in your lungs. By the time you got to the second floor, you were coughing more and more. By the time you got to the third floor, you were struggling to breathe.

This time, when Mirabelle tried to confront you, you didn't let her.

"We need everyone we can get, Mira. We can't afford to let me slow you all down."

She didn't like this answer. You could tell that she didn't. But she didn't try and insist that you stay behind. She hovered her hands over your body and pushed healing craft into you. It provided enough temporary relief that you thought you'd be able to get through the battle with The King, but probably not much further.

That was fine. You just needed to beat The King.

If you could do that much… if you could do that and then tell Odile how you really felt…

If you could just fulfill the promises that you made to her, you thought that you would be able to die happy.

You were practically dead on your feet by the time you finished fighting The King, but you pressed forward. You shielded Odile as you made your way to where the Head Housemaiden waited.

You… didn't think that you had the energy to make the rounds of talking to the others. You waited for everyone to go their separate ways and then you turned to face Odile, ready to keep your promise.

You opened your mouth and you… coughed.

You coughed hard and wet. Blood and flowers spilled onto the floor in front of you and pitched forward.

"Siffrin!" You were in Odile's arms before you knew it, as she kept you from falling to the floor.

"I… I promised…" You wheezed, coughing more as you tried to desperately clear the obstruction in your throat. You spat out more blood and flowers, staring at the pile of wisterias that were gathering beneath you. You couldn't let them stop you. "I said that I would… would tell you…"

You could hear the rest of your family rushing toward you. But it was distant, you couldn't really pay attention to it.

You reached up to put a hand on Odile's arm, wanting to make sure that you had her attention on you.

"Siffrin." Stars, she sounded scared. You didn't want to do that to her, but… you didn't think you had a choice. You thought you might have been out of time, so you had to do it now.

"I… was really happy… getting to know you." You coughed and coughed, but you wouldn't let that stop you. Blood was on your lips, but you just spat it out so that you could continue. "I liked… how you always listened to me… and… and spending time with you…"

There was a small burst of healing craft, but you barely felt it.

"Gems alive, Siffrin!"

"I… really care about you, Odile." You forced the words out and forced a smile to your lips while you were at it. "I… I love you. So I really want… more than anything…" Your throat felt like it might have been closing up on you. "I want to get… closer to you…"

Odile was clutching at you tightly. Your vision was blurry. Your throat burned.

You couldn't breathe…

"Gems, Siffrin, of course I feel the same!" She sounded… almost angry to say so. It made you happy to hear either way.

You smiled…

Then everything went dark.

[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]

You didn't wake up in a field.

You could tell that almost immediately. There wasn't the blue of an open sky above you. There wasn't the hardness of the grass and ground beneath you. You didn't know where you were, but you knew where you weren't.

"Ah, you're awake." You jolted as you looked beside you, surprised to see Odile sitting beside your bed. She closed the book resting in her lap. "You gave everyone quite a scare, Siffrin."

The bags under her eyes looked even heavier. You wondered if she hadn't been sleeping well.

"S-sorry…"

"Hmm." She leaned closer to you, pressing a hand to your forehead. You jumped at the contact, and then stilled, holding your breath as if keeping still would be enough to prolong the contact. "It's not surprising," she added. "The Head Housemaiden said that you were suffering from craft exhaustion on top of… everything else."

"Oh…" You didn't know what else to say, so you didn't say anything at all.

Odile watched you closely for a moment before finally pulling her hand away, almost reluctantly. "You passed out on me before I could fulfill my end, so if you would allow me?"

She waited for you to respond. You nodded, pulling the blanket up a bit higher so that you could hide in it the same way you did with your cloak.

Odile began slowly. "I'm not as good at these… feelings talks as Mirabelle or Isabeau, but I rather thought that the two of us had an understanding."

You tilted your head as you listened to her.

"The two of them were always more alike than not. Initiating group hugs, being loud and excitable, wearing their emotions on their sleeve. It's honestly exhausting at times."

You nodded. You could definitely agree with that. You weren't as open with your emotions, but even if you were, you didn't think you'd ever be able to be as big or loud as them.

"Right," she sighed again. "I always found more similarities between the two of us. It's easier to be around you than either of them, easier to just… exist comfortably without the need to fill silence and we enjoy similar enough activities to be on our own together for far longer than the others."

You agreed. You always thought, hoped, that the two of you got along well.

"So you can see why it might surprise me to learn that you doubted my feelings enough to become sick over it." The look that she gave you was almost pained. You didn't like that you made her look that way. You had to look away before you could answer.

"It… It's not that you… did anything…" You had to say that first, because you didn't want her thinking that this was her fault. You were the one that was greedy and selfish, after all. "It's just… I know that you don't really like… feelings and touch and… and being close to people. So it's… really selfish of me to want more, isn't it?"

Odile laughed. "Siffrin, if you're selfish, then you're finding yourself in rather good company. For all that I may not seem as if I am as attached to you all, I can assure you that I am." She smiled as she looked down at him. "And it's rather cute to find out that you care about me so much."

Your face darkened and you pulled the blanket higher. "It's not…"

"It absolutely is," she said, talking over you. The teasing smile on her face lessened a bit and she leaned closer to you. She placed her hand on your forehead again and you leaned into it. "And Siffrin… I want to be closer to you, too. All of you, but also… just you."

You looked at her with your eye wide, and she looked back, unblinking.

You felt warm.

You felt good.

You didn't look away from her as you said, very softly, "I love you."

Odile's expression was just as soft as she answered. "Yes, I love you, as well. Perhaps next time it won't take you nearly dying for us to come to this understanding."

She smiled.

You smiled with her.

You felt… at peace.

#ELS Writing #Sifdile #Siffrin #Odile #In Stars And Time #ISAT #Fanfiction #ISAT Spoilers

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localfanbaselurker · 3 months ago

Text

Yall know the drill!! Let’s get it baby!!

Watching Voltron: LD for the First Time and Saying What I Think

S1-2 | S3 | S4 | S5 | S6 | you are here! | S8

upon formatting this debrief/review, I realized quite quickly that I was gonna run out of the image limit too soon, no matter how many collages I made, so some ideas are better if you specifically remember scenes. Click on images for better quality! I apologize, I only have tumblr on mobile. please enjoy this edition anyway!

Pre-Season 7 Thoughts

-> I said in my S6 post that I thought it could be a decent ending if some strings were finally tied, so hopefully this season clears those up

-> S6 was pretty intense at the end, hopefully they tone it down a notch as they go on their little earth roadtrip

-> the aftermath of Lotor dying is definitely something that will weigh on Allura. Hopefully she doesn’t get too torn up about it

-> I’m really curious as to how the new team dynamics will play out now that Kieth is back as black paladin. Will they go back to s1? s3? Will they just act like nothing??

-> really wanna scene where keith calls krolia mom for the first time

-> what is with this “game show” episode??

-> I’m curious as to how ships will play out now.. Lance seems to be okay with Allura not liking him back after s6, their talk was really nice. As much as I think they look cute together, Allura needs time to get over Lotor first, and Lance seems to be already moving on.

-> now that Kieth is back, I wonder if there was more “klance moments” for people to go crazy over

->also where has Matt been this whole time??

-> them going to earth will probably explore their families, and i really wanna see more of their lore. (Especially keith)

->Hopefully shiro finally gets a break after everything. I’m excited to see who this love interest of his is!!

Post-Season 7

-> holy fuck. yall did not lie. that was…intense.

->ultimately I did not get my pre-s7 wish then.

-> I really liked all the keith/shiro lore about their relationship. It was really sweet. Shiro was the first person (besides his dad I guess) to show him patience and kindness. That’s so heartwarming.

->added to all the motifs and references to them saving each other,,very sweet. I love found family stuff like that. so i very much liked that episode (besides the “tiny” subplot lolz)

-> Romelle (as opposed to the name I gave her: “sailor moon altean girl”) is actually so real. She and hunk have the same “only normal one” vibe and i respect that.

-> literally where was haggar/honerva this whole time. Did she take a sabbatical or something??

->this image is so chaotic…literally what are yall doing 😭

->cosmic wolf (Kosmo, apparently) dgaf I love him

-> Allura is such a cutie.. “but I’m terrible at drawing! 😔” I love her so much

->^hunk upgraded his bayard!! Yayyyyy! More character development!!!

->Axca is back! (I have since long stopped calling her “space asami girl”)

-> i think she’s a really interesting character. While the other of Lotor’s generals go for whatever seems right for them, (as you should in war) she seems to calculate things on a matter of both that and morality, while also looking at the big picture. “Well, this would save my ass, save the universe from chaos, and be morally intact…sounds good”

->^is this the klance moment? seems a little sad tbh. why Lance is like that “wait where are you going?” relax bro he’s not gonna disappear

-> they’ve been gone FOR THREE YEARS????

-> what the FREAK.

-> imagine now how their families have missed them 🙁 I’m actually so sad abt that ☹️

->the game show ep…was really funny. Idk where yall got all this angst from. New mission: write a fluff one shot post-game show.

->^i literally cannot get over this??? Like.. they could’ve really made him say anything else. “because mullet here would punch you to the end of eternity if he didn’t get out *smirk*” or something like that but no it /had/ to be that. And the others thought it was odd too, I mean look at their expressions.

->And same goes for Keith??? If you don’t wanna spend an eternity with Lance just pick yourself?? There had to be another reason. If they made all the other characters say insightful and heartfelt things about one another, why can’t Keith say anything?

-> I think because keith and Lance chose each other, making both of them say nice things would drive you guys a little crazy, so I think they tried to just “klance-proof” (like baby-proof) this season by making them barely interact unless it’s a battle or doing so in a s1/2 way

->Because otherwise keith acted…really out of character..? I think it might be to his growth on the quantum abyss trip, but it just felt so odd to watch him this season

->the “floating in space” episode was actually super interesting to watch. Going space crazy caused for their truest thoughts and desires to come out from the dark. (going to earth, what they think about each others’ actions) I thought that was really cool.

->KEITH CALLED KROLIA MOM!!! IT HAPPENED!! OMG. SCREAMING CRYING THROWING UP FALLING TO MY KNEES AT WALMART!!!!!!!!🫡💪🔥🔊🗣️

->Krolia and kolivan definitely explored each other’s bodies idgaf. Kolivan is the dad that stepped up fr.

->Colleen Holt is an icon. She’s a girlboss. She’s a legend. I love her so much. Sam better watch out 🤛👊🤜

->^from “who is this divaaaa 😍😍” to “OMG GIRL LANCE??? 😮😁” to “OMG LANCE’S SISTERRRRR😆🤩”

->^is this not the “the pilot crashed!” girl from 1x01??

->tbh i literally could give less of a fuck about these people. The girls seem cool I guess. But I don’t really care about any of them.

->also no way they deadass named a dude kinkade. That was wild even for them (I’m so sorry if it’s a cultural thing)

->^I love it when they do little homage bits like referencing back s1 or 2 like this

->^screaming crying throwing up.

->^^that hug between pidge and her mom..i felt that. that shit was personal. Ya’ll see the way she held on to her? Diabolical work. (I’m tearing up as I type this)((that’s exactly how I’ve held my mom b4))

->^^^“uncle lance!” STOP. DON’T DO THIS TO ME. I CAN’T DO THISSSSSS *screams*

->HUUUNNNKKKK. MY BOYYYYY. UGHHHHHH. I’m gonna die

-> I will say this tho, I’m glad he’s getting a lot of focus and attention his way these last few seasons (6&7). Like yes!! Give the realest mf in the whole show the attention and appreciation he deserves!!!

->I was so happy when he got his parents back like I genuinely did a little celebratory dance (jumping up and down and going “yes!yes!yesyesyesyes! yeeeessssssss!” while doing exaggerated hand gestures)

->Adam fucking died.

->not even one scene showing his and shiro’s positive interactions. or them being romantic. one and a half scenes. And then he’s gone.

-> while, for the most part, I try to understand the writers faults further than just face level, (ie netflix or dreamworks just didn’t let them explicitly put anything there) idk I just. I feel like they could’ve at least played it off as them being “good friends” or something. But to kill him off is just…it feels wrong.

->and it feels like a wrong for shiro too. He finally gets to be on earth after everything that’s happened to him, and the one thing he’d been hoping to finally see,,is gone.

->I just feel like they did shiro dirty. they can never give that poor man a break.

->^I was right! Keith is definitely acting different because of his growth on the quantum abyss (or “space whale” as people seem to call it). It’s nice to know he’s matured and stuff, and can actually say what he feels and such, be a good team member/leader. I just wish it wasn’t all off-screen. (and while I’m happy for him..I do miss his more broody early-season self a bit)

->as much as I think allurance is cute, I feel like they’re kinda rushing it. Like. by the time they got to Earth it had barely been a month of being stuck in space post-s6. Maximum it’s been 3 months by the time of the final battle. she would not be blushing. She would be mourning Lotor. They could’ve had a little subplot about that,,the crushing weight of knowing she could’ve both stopped his death and the guilty feeling of “why am i mourning him..? He was a bad person” because she still loved him!! She still loved him when they were about to leave him in the quintessence field and she felt conflicted!!

->she would’ve also not caught feelings that fast. Let’s say she somehow miraculously got over Lotor in 2 months. (minimum!) she still wouldn’t have caught feelings! Maybe she would start like. the budding processes to begin to fall for lance…but she wouldn’t be blushing and being all bashful like that.

-> basically all I’m saying is I really hope they don’t rush this. It would feel unfair to both her and Lance. Allura literally was like “oh..😕 he said that..☹️?” In s6 when the mice told her about Lance’s feelings because she felt bad about breaking his heart.

->and Lance has literally been after her for a really long time,, so it’d be unfair to pair him with someone who only started liking him like a week ago.

->I also hate the “guy pines after girl, girl doesn’t reciprocate and turns him down a lot, guy almost gives up, girl starts falling for him just as the show ends after not showing any interest previously” trope. (I am aware Allura and Lance do share some more sweet and romantic scenes/moments in s4-6, but you catch my drift, right?)

-> I really hope they put it well in s8.

->^I got to that Lance scene I’ve seen everywhere and just. Wow. it was so intense. I actually got chills. Amazing work from the animation crew yet again.

-> the final battle was sooo amazing and so beautiful.

->the atlas stuff kinda threw me off tho.

->that admiral sanda girl was a bitch (i do not use that term lightly, especially for female characters) and not to sound like a maniac im glad she died ngl. She was stupid as hell if she thought her plan would work.

->also if the galra can invent something that can easily overpower Voltron, then why don’t they just take over the universe themselves?? They clearly have the resources to.

->seriously the atlas’s stuff was insane. Fym it’s a ship that makes a bigger, cooler, grizzled Voltron??(yes I will forever use that joke)

->^because like. Then what do you need Voltron for??

->like the pacing and plot twists and shit felt so off and out of nowhere this season.

->and the real kicker was the altean chick controlling that giant monster thang. literally what the freak. where the cameras at I know I’m getting pranked right now. they were just pulling shit out of their asses by then.

->again, need to say, if it weren’t for that altean chick, this could’ve also been a good ending?? like after reading the Wikipedia page I found out they had a 72 episode contract, so they need to get those last episodes out, (76 total, I did the math) but if anything I think it would be best if it was just a little anthology sort of thing. Like them defeating the rest of the galra left out, freeing planets, and focusing on their own lives and relationships (during and after). That would be probably the best course of action for s8.

->but apparently it has a “bad ending” (which I’m pretty sure is just ship stuff and people exaggerating)

->erm yeah that’s pretty much it. I think. Yay!

These are thoughts I compile over time. I finished Season 7 on 10/12/24. I apologize for my delay on posting this, I was meant to post it last week. I will now finally start what you have probably all been waiting for: Season 8.

Remember, my ask box is always open!! Feel free to ask anything on my opinions and such!!

#laura’s first vld #vld #voltron #voltron legendary defender #voltron season seven #vld s7 #I was gonna post this last week on Sunday but it had gotten really late #and i didn’t wanna have another s6 remake where i made it too short and barely said anything #out of my half asleep delirium #so i said #“im just gonna save and edit it Monday morning”#but surprise surprise #i didn’t have time with school and such #so i edited bits and pieces on Thursday and Friday #and now we’re here #i hope you guys like it #i tried #really squished out as much as i could #I don’t think I made it too funny this time tho #sorry guys #it’s more introspective than anything #like analytical #also I will never put characters tags on these #I hate it when other people do that for traction if their talking about something specific #or general #sorry Coran didn’t talk about you much #I do love Lance’s sister #she’s cool #oh and MATT CAME BACK!!#like for two seconds at the end looking all sexy with long ass hair and a robo gf. super cool.

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