#this time i present you with a vague ass painting

[wfl-art]

[frostythefrostedfox]

Overanalysing Analysis

Me, sitting at the desk, suit and tie, glasses on: Ladies and gentlemen, today I regret to inform you that I have been overanalizing something that doesn’t needs to be analized to begin with, I completely lost about 3 hours of my life rewatching the same footage over and over, in very bad quality as well, so I could bring you content, not high quality content, quality is sold separatedly as DLC, just content. And that is: The brilliance of the only good parts of Cars 2, The race scenes.

So you better click out of this post right now else you’ll be reading the ramblings of a madman, don’t say I didn’t warned you.

Also, the less quality screenshots belong to the few footage of the Cars 2 DVD, that includes the deleted scenes of the movie.

First of all, the mockup SPEED Network titles and presentation, which resembles the official intro sequence of all FIA championship races, also the fact that they are using 3 official motorsport commentators.

They kept the logo on as the camera goes around as if this was the live feed from any race day. Normally this type of thing is done on the grid as these are the moments that preface the formation lap on any discipline, but I can see why they kept it inside the pits, else the pre-race chatter and the warmup wouldn’t be noticeable, also to cut production time, as pre-formation lap preparations tend to look like this

A bunch of equipment, umbrellas, engineers, media and overall clutter all behind the SC, considering that in Cars everyone is a car (duh, is in the name), this wouldn’ve been hell to fit in without making a random ass huge main straight, or making everyone be so awkwardly positioned on the grid.

Then we get the cars themselves

Francesco, obviously being a Formula 1 car, according to my guess (Source: trust me bro) being a hybrid between the F2004 and the F248 (2006 season), his swaying on the heating is minimal, slow reduced speed and pace on the out so the engine, electronics and brakes won’t overheat.

The GT cars (I actually have no idea who that is supposed to be), strong swaying and quick revving to keep the engine on the mark, as those cars, although specially fitted for racing, are still commercially available cars that you can buy, so keeping perfect temperatures and being “on the zone” at all times is not their main purpose unlike the LMP1, 2 and Formula cars

Next we have “Raoul ÇaRoule“, or, as I like to call him, offbrand Sebastien Loeb, because that’s totally who he is supposed to be, the french flag and the “rally champion” title give it off, considering he is still the one with the most titles in the WRC, which in the Cars universe is called the GRC but for just a name usage and some vague likeness, it just wasn’t worth the money, which is honestly an understandable choice; notice how his swaying is the most pronounced, and his rev periods are longer than anyone else’s, and that’s on point with rally cars, they are high torque high accleeration cars with a very open differential and a loose steering to allow for easy corrections and compensation without overdoing it, as they usually race on ice, dirt and other slippery surfaces that would make precise track-like steering a one way ticket into a tree.

A deleted shot, see the ammount of detail on that Vanquish GT.

Yes, that’s motherfucking Lewis Hamilton, portrayed as none other than a McLaren, as that’s the team he was racing for in 2011.

They even included a DMT/WTC car! And it seems to be a Mercedes CLK.

This shot is just beautiful, I’ll allow my suspension of disbelief to simply take the wheel here as those boxes are too close together and right next to each other, but who cares, the painted-over asphalt like the one in street circuits, the small “belly” at the bottom that McQueen’s tires get as his car-type is on the quite heavy side, the stiffness of Francesco’s tires with the toe in camber at the front wheels, the different tide width for each car, this show is just amazing.

A small shot that we get from McQueen’s POV, you can see the heat thing where it becomes blurry, you can see the details on that (obviously not licensed) LMP1 car with all the details on it, the classic Aston Martin GT body 3 places ahead of McQueen is also a lovely sight to see, with the high wing as they tend to have on GT Competitions.

The starting sequence is a pale where I can see that they put a lot of work and detail on, the rally car and the TOCA cars simply taking off as soon as the lights get green while the GT cars like the Corvette and the Aston Martin taking a bit longer, moving off the grid slower

But as soon as they move forward, they build speed insanely fast, also the huge detail of the Corvette’s bad start as he gets stuck on the first gear and can’t advance until a few seconds later, when he has the McLaren behind him already taking an overtaking line on the left. And don’t forget the AM’s diffusor almost touching the ground.

Another great shot, you can see all of their eyes looking to the left, where the distance to corner indicators are on, everybody looking for their insividual braking point, cars with slower speed but higher acceleration stay on the middle while high aero cars try to go for the inside like the LMP1 as it can brake faster than any other, or Francesco going for the outside so he can do the corner while braking the less, relying entirely on his aero.

Although out of focus, time to appreciate the detail of the back of Francesco, that’s some high detail modelling right there, you can see most of the components and how most of the car is actually empty underneath, you can even see how the suspension moves up and down as he goes thru the track, if I were to be picky the only thing he is missing is the recovery light at the bottom.

A million different lines all based on the specific car taking the turn, TOCA cars going for the inside at all cost so they can accelerate quicker, GT cars preferring a more open line to use the entire width of the track to be less aggressive on the tires as they weight a hell of a lot more.

Now the boxes are also a delight to see

“Gorvette” the GT Corvette gets an F150 (another Ford manufactured car) as its engineer.

A french car, the Citroën DS for the french offbrand Loeb.

A japanese car for the Japanese LMP1 car.

Francesco gets a 250GT Convertible, of course it is another Ferrari, lol

And you can see it on the back of the shot, the Spaniard racer gets a SEAT (possibly a SEAT Leon) as his engineer.

First of all, great lighting and great detail on the track; second, everyone but the rally car is racing on the wrong line, trying to take the path that is the straightest and with the least elevation changes, yet the rally one is the only one that takes the right one, the side with the most camber to help reduce the speed coming into the corner without having to touch too much of the brakes, an enviromental lift and coast if you must, and at the same time it takes advantage of his higher suspension rebound as he has less of a cahnce of bottoming out, unlike literally all the other cars.

OMG Is this Dirt 6?

That’s a pretty good shot right there, a classic “Left 4 DC Tightens, Right 4 Cut Opens”

Those red brakes, THOSE RED BRAKES, Beautiful.

Again, suspension of disbelief taking the wheel because that shot was amazing, but McQueen got the plot armor, do that big of a jump and see how you faceplant the dirt and roll over.

But at the same time, great how the other car is doing it the way it should be done, and even in the next shot you see how it has gained on McQueen by doing that.

The dirt on his body. The sense of speed of the scene. The way the sound echoes. I know this is “average japanese tunnel” but this whole sequence gives me “Monaco Tunnel section” vibes. If only this movie was as great as these shots

Another great backshot, nothing else to say.

Another deleted shot, this is what I meant by Monaco vibes, seeing his wheel so close to the wall and have the sound reflect that by echoing even louder is just great.

Absolute classic TV coverage angle, simply great.

Turn 13 Singapore my beloved, the section is longer than it is IRL and for obvious licensing issues it doesn’t has the metal arch that oversees the straight between 11 and 12, but it even has the small kink right that is turn 12 into the hairpin of Turn 13 just like in the real track

Even on a movie, Lewis is an asshole, brake-switching lanes and not allowing anyone to race on his side of the track, very IC representation of him (and this was in 2011 mind you, even before we saw more his.. interesting... interpretation of the F1 rules, was this some next level foreshadowing?)

Singapore Sling my beloved, I miss you (actually I don’t, I hope you never come back).

Notice how McQueen doesn’t even blinks until he is out of the section, and how every driver that comes moves their eyes from apex to apex

More Sling pics with moving eyes, I love it, also, look at the tyre marks, so beautiful, also that Vanquish nose, so beautiful x2, and lets not forget Loeb in the back doing the most open turns known to man (car?) so he doesn’t has to press the brakes and can just high-rev the entire section like in RXC.

Look at the muddy teardrop, look at the exhaust gas, look at the everything. I’ll never have enough of these low angle sideshots in any Cars movie. Also, mandatory Wangan mention.

You guys really pushing the suspension of disbelief here lol, no way in hell that a NASCAR (insert laugh emoji) car is able to hold back and gain from two prototype racers and and F1 car. Although Francesco is really pushing forward in that shot, but still.

But.

I don’t care, still a great shot, nice to see how much depth and detail is actually there.

He readies it and...

Amazing, as it should be, right on the tail, getting all the reduced drag possible before pushing out into clean air and passing the car like its standing.

Forget what I said earlier, no I am not going all the way up to correct it, if you made it all the way down here you can just pretend that I did, he has the recovery light, and is so pretty, the wing is so on spot, everything really, look at the dirst from earlier, how it splashes back, look at the closeness to the ground, everything is there, absolutely everything.

It’s such a shame that we really only have 1 full race, and the racen is constantly being cut out by some decaf 007 bs that nobody actually cared about; the whole plot of “multinational racing event that is just a big conspiration” was great as it was, because the sport has had lots and lots of those, just the name “Briatore” should be enough to make like 3 movies out of that, and that’s leaving out the lesser known but equally interesting scandals like Multi 21, and the sport defining moments like Jules’ incident (RIP), both the FIA and the FIM have enough drama by themselves to make a movie with this plot interesting enough with just that, racing, cars doing car things like the first movie (Even tho the first one is based off the year-round april’s fools joke known as NASCAR), zero need for Mater to be turnt into a James Bond LARPer

[carriagelamp]

A few really superb books this month and few very "meh" ones. Nothing truly appalling though so that's something. If you read nothing else though, consider reading This is How You Lose the Time War because man that book made me feel things, I knocked that one out in a day

(EDIT: I am feeling very self-satisfied, this has been sitting in my drafts for a few weeks waiting for me to stop being lazy and post it and suddenly I have the entire internet backing up my assessment that Time War kicks complete ass. Go read it if you haven't, bigolas dickolas said so)

A Psalm for the Wild-Built

After reading Legends & Lattes last month I was really craving some more “cosy fantasy”. This one is obviously scifi instead, but it came highly recommend and it was exactly what I needed. It’s a pandemic lockdown novel and you can feel it, and I mean this in a very affectionate way. Everything from the characters, the narrative, to the tone feels rather healing now that we’re three years out from the initial covid outbreak.

A Psalm for the Wild-Built is a look at a world, not ours but an analogy of it, that had hit its industrial climate crisis and has since come out the other side. There are multiple catalysts, but one catalyst was the sudden sentience gained by the robots that they used. Not knowing how it was done but determined to allow the robots to self-determine, they allowed the robots to retreat into nature to find themselves, and they were left with the need to completely restructure their society without robotic aid. Humans stepped away from factories and manufacturing, and managed to recreate society — smaller scale, self-sufficient, and entirely based around the idea of existing in harmony with the natural world. Most of their planet has been left to re-wild itself, and humans keep to their own areas and focus on caring for their own communities. 

The main character, Dex, is a travelling tea monk that feels a calling for something more, something different than what they’re doing. That calling leads them further into the wilderness than they have ever gone before and in doing so runs face to face with a robot who has come down from the mountains in an effort to see how humans are doing since the separation.

A Prayer For the Crown-Shy

A lovely sequel and conclusion for A Psalm for the Wild-Built. In this story, Dex and Mosscap descend from the mountains into human populated land so that Mosscap can continue its mission to learn “what humans need”. Along the way it learns how complex and varied that answer is, even for someone like Dex.

The Darkness Outside Us

I read this a little while ago but never got around to reviewing it. Honestly, I mostly found it disappointing and I couldn’t tell you why. I really enjoyed the other books I read by this author, but The Darkness Outside Us did not do it for me. I didn’t like the protagonist. I didn’t like the world it painted. I didn’t like Kodiac or the relationship it was trying to set up or how it was doing it. I don’t know, I can be picky with scifi though and I don't love amnesiac plots, so your mileage may vary, I have heard it highly recommended.

Two astronauts from opposite sides of a global cold war find themselves on an assignment together, travelling through space on a rescue mission. Ambrose wakes with no memory of the launch, and is surprised to find any sort of companion at all, never mind a surly, reclusive coworker who is determined to keep their countries’ animosity alive and well. He tries to ignore Kodiac and focus on the need to rescue his sister, but being completely alone with only an AI and a single companion on a dangerous mission makes that easier said than done.

Dear NOMAN v1

Sapphic manga with vaguely shonen adventure vibes. Don’t bother reading it, it’s mediocre at best and kinda squicky at worse. The main character is fourteen I think? And the romantic interest, a crow demon, very much is presented as an adult woman. I just can’t. The story itself isn’t very interesting either, as the girl gets recruited into a vaguely Bleach-rip-off style ghost hunting job, but the relationship is just. No. Untenable. Moving on.

Magic Tree House: Dinosaurs Before Dark // Sunset of the Sabertooth

I found myself rereading this to kids and honestly they really are just excellent, fun little introductions to chapter books. No notes, still charming. Love Jack and Annie and their ability to use books to travel through time.

Doctor Who: Scratchman

EXCELLENT read. A novel spin off of a show can always be hit or miss (see the Torchwood book coming up) but this one really knocked it out of the park. Tom Baker, unsurprisingly, has a great handle on the Fourth Doctor’s character voice, and the way he wrote Sarah and Harry is completely delightful. I’ve only seen a bit of the Fourth Doctor so this is actually my first intro to Harry, and it made me fall completely in love with this dingus.

This book felt like it knew what it should be: a fun adventure — occasionally tense, often funny — that isn’t trying to reinvent the wheel. It fit very naturally into the world as a good, solid, simple Doctor Who adventure. The Doctor, Sarah, and Harry are intending just to stop for a break and a picnic, but soon find themselves doing their best to protect a host of villagers against an invading force of evil, skeletal scarecrows that are attempting to infect the humans around them. A necessary plot point is understanding how phone party lines work and this delighted me more than I can say for a book published in 2019.

Torchwood: Something In The Water

Meh. In the spectrum of Torchwood novels this falls smack dab in the middle. Not atrocious but certainly not good. It had instances I really quite enjoyed, the beginning was pretty fun, and there was a lot of promise to it, but reading about a fatal and rapidly-spreading respiratory infection that requires a government response hits VERY differently post-pandemic. Maybe it would have felt more believable or enjoyable in 2008, but when you know what a global response actually does/should look like? It ends up taking a book that should have really been Owen’s time to shine and just made him look like an absolute fucking moron. It was disappointing. I would secretly love to see it rewritten because it had potential, it had so much potential. Tosh was the only character with half a brain in the whole novel, god help her.

The Sprite and the Gardener

I’ve been meaning to read this for ages, ever since I found out that original comic that circulated tumblr was being developed in a fully fledged story. And it’s so worth reading, the art is stunning. The story is sweet, and every page is just such a pleasure to look at, I can’t get over the colour palette.

Before, caring for plants was the task of sprites... but that was before humans appeared and begin to carefully and rigidly cultivate them. Now sprites have little to do... except Wisteria finds herself enamored by one young gardener who is trying so hard but continuously failing to bring life to her dead little garden.

This is How You Lose The Time War

I was skeptical about this one because, again, I’m picky about my scifi and often don’t love time travel stories (ignore all the Doctor Who��) But this was one of the best books I read this month, easily. It’s a very quick read, and it’s more poetic imagery than heavy duty scifi. It feels like a pure example of the truly romantic love letter genre blasted into the future.

If you read any book from this list, I would recommend this one. It was so delightfully different from anything else I’ve read in a while.

EDIT: to allow the much more influential voice have a say:

Doctor Who: Time Lord Fairytales

Pure fun. This book is composed of various twisted fairytales all set in the Doctor Who universe. Some involve the Doctor, others borrow species, characters, or props. I had the audiobook of this and my mother, who knows almost nothing about Doctor Who, ended up listening to it and enjoying it immensely just as scifi-flavoured fairytales. 

The True Blue Scouts of Sugar Man Swamp

I’ve been meaning to read this book for years and finally got around to it. It was a really fun middle grade read! If you liked Holes this hits a similar notes in the way it weaves a number of seemingly disconnected stories and histories together into a single narrative.

In part the story is about two raccoons who take over as the Sugar Man Swamp Scouts, who have the job of listening for Intelligence and to wake the Sugar Man in case of emergency. In another part, it’s about a boy who is trying to help his mom save their little cafe on the edge of the swamp. In part it’s about a conniving businessman and his alligator-wrestling colleague attempting to profit off the swamp. In part it’s about a grandfather who loved his grandson, his swamp, and wanted nothing more than to take a picture of a woodpecker.

The Underneath

I wanted to read another book by this author after reading True Blue Scouts (and Maybe a Fox, which a few years back) but this one didn’t do it for me. It was a fine book, and a fine animal adventure, but the pacing just felt like it dragged too much to really keep me interested. I could have finished it if I’d really wanted to, but there were other things I wanted to move on to more. If you feel like a rather melancholic, somewhat mythological middle grade animal story though you’d probably quite enjoy it.

Like True Blue Scouts, The Underneath weaves together a number of different stories, including one about a mythical snake and her daughter, a hateful isolated man, an old injured dog, and a mother cat. The dog, who stepped in front of his master’s gun at the wrong moment, is now kept chained in the yard and spends most of his time hiding beneath his master’s house. He was lonely and isolated… until a mother cat joins him and ends up giving birth to her kittens. They’re now both devoted to caring for the kittens, and trying to protect them from the horrible master in the house above.

[musicrunsthroughmysoul]

How great is Wonderland by Big Country? I love everything about it! :)

Literally...literally you said what I think every single time I listen to that song.

But because I am me, I cannot just leave it that.

This song is so ridiculously good that I would now shamelessly suggest that it's one of the greatest songs ever written - not just one of Big Country's greatest songs (although it is certainly a triumph in that regard, as well), but one of the greatest. Like, period. And my pessimistic, critical ass is not about to throw that suggestion around for just anything.

So please let me shine my little analytical light on what a beautiful, amazing, and frankly perfect song this is.

First off, every time I listen to this song on repeat, the first 25 seconds of it makes it all worth it to hear on repeat 30+ times in a row - the light percussion and the ringing, most consistent guitar riff (played by Bruce Watson), followed quickly by that BIG-ASS drum sound courtesy of good production choices and Mark Brzezicki that is just so fucking good and, from my listening perspective of Big Country's first five albums, a rather trademark sound for them, and then that chugging hard rock guitar riff (played by Stuart Adamson)...literally what better way is there to bait and hook a listener who loves rock music? Oh, and then of course Stuart comes in with that BEAUTIFUL "Woah-oh-oh-oh-oh-ohhhhh" semi-screamed/yelled opening that is so full of admirable effort that you can forgive the scream (if, like me, you're not a fan of hearing men screaming in music) and the brief lil' crack in his voice which I actually find so endearing...you bet I was fucking hooked from the moment I heard this song!

Musically, and it took me far too long to realize/notice this, Watson's guitar riff and Tony Butler's bassline work together startlingly well to emulate the sense of wonderland – something vaguely dreamy or dream-like that underscores everything more aggressive and subjectively overwhelming as Adamson's guitar riffs and Mark Brzezicki's drums. It's an incredible balance of 'Here's what the ideal (also known as wonderland) sounds like' versus 'Here's what reality is,' and it's displayed quite effectively in the arrangement. You can also hear this idea even better in the 12" mix, as all of the instrumentation is far less restrained and the volume of the vocals is also turned up to better hear the harmonies punctuating the hopefulness of wonderland. (Not to mention that the 12" mix offers the fantastic opportunity to hear Butler's genius bass playing more isolated, and Brzezicki's drums sound positively WILD. It also incorporates Adamson's delicately played guitar riff that often introduced "Wonderland" in Big Country's live performances.)

Now, when it comes to the verses, which, as this often happens to me when I write something like a lyric analysis, I have changed my mind about how well they describe the intentions of the song, I plan to lay out how the verses don't just present evocative, unique, thoughtful imagery, but how they also paint the writer's idea of wonderland effectively.

So for the first verse we have:

"If you could feel how I must feel The winds of quiet change If you could see what I must see Still hidden in the rain But when the thunder rolls It comes and covers up my soul"

With lines like "If you could feel how I must feel –/The winds of quiet change," and (my favorite, even though it metaphorically makes no sense to me) "But when the thunder rolls/It comes and covers up my soul," the narrator clearly has an idea of what wonderland could be like (the former lines), all while voicing the reality of...well, reality (in the latter lines). Because not only is he certain he feels "the winds of quiet change" and that he sees what is "still hidden in the rain," his idea of wonderland is someone not just believing these things, but knowing (feeling and seeing) them as confidently as he does. I don't always say this in my lyric analyses (which I regret, because I'd love for these analyses to spark discussions!!), but if anyone has any thoughts especially about what "But when the thunder rolls/It comes and covers up my soul" means, I'd love to hear it, because as it is, I struggle every time to envision how thunder "covers up [one's] soul" (I'm also kind of obsessed with those lines, in a way because I struggle with them so much) so I imagine it's really a metaphor for something I'm not seeing/thinking of, so other perspectives would be especially appreciated! Also, ignore the irony in that. Or maybe it's what the songwriters intended. LOL

The next two verses continue to reinforce what the narrator's version of wonderland looks like - so on lyrical themes and imagery alone, I'd call this song completely successful.

"If you could hear what I must hear Then nothing would replace The fifty years of sweat and tears That never left a trace But when I look at you I see you feel the same way too"

The first part of the verse is one of my favorite lyrics in the song: "If you could hear what I must hear/Then nothing would replace/The fifty years of sweat and tears/That never left a trace" because it is clear here that what the narrator means is 'I don't want this reality of fifty years of sweat and tears not leaving a trace – I wish this had made its mark actually, and I wish everyone acknowledged it!' If it wasn't already clear from the first verse what he meant, we come to understand that the narrator's idea of wonderland is not needing to wonder about the future (because of the way the past was neglected), because in his version of wonderland, the past was never neglected - it was properly acknowledged, felt, seen, and heard, and that knowledge and those feelings were built upon to create the future that wonderland represents. Finally, not only does the narrator evoke empathy through the lyrics "But when I look at you/I see you feel the same way too," but it continues to reinforce what his idea of wonderland is like, and how it represents what reality could be like.

In the final, heartachingly beautiful verse, we get:

“You still remember other days When every head was high I watched that pride be torn apart Beneath a darker sky With innocence within ourselves We sing the same old song ”

To be honest, I would strongly consider getting "With innocence within ourselves/We sing the same old song" as a tattoo, but, highly subjective feelings aside, this verse is the most interesting yet because the perspective abruptly changes in the very first line of the verse to narrate "You still remember other days when every head was high" before switching back to first person, "I watched that pride be torn apart beneath a darker sky." The first line makes me ask: 'Who remembers other days when every head was high?' We're led to believe via the following line that the perspective in the first line is someone of a previous/older generation, and the narrator asserts that it is his generation who has witnessed the fall of said pride. The final lines of the verse beautifully illustrate his generation's hope, nonetheless: "With innocence within ourselves/We sing the same old song"; by relating to each other through a child-like optimism (the stage of life everyone goes through, when they're as innocent as can be, and the ironic use of "we sing the same old song," which is recognizing that everyone once knew that feeling of innocence and optimism and it can and should be harnessed again, now), it should rally their momentum to create their ideal future or wonderland. (ALSO, to get meta for a moment, I used the term "rally" very purposely, because musically, during the duration of those lines in the song specifically, Brzezicki strategically plays a militaristic-reminiscent drum roll there!) However, the proceeding two lines of the chorus are really what reinforce those last two lines of the verse - "And you will take my hand/And make believe it's wonderland", because 'make believe' is most often referred to as something that children play at (and, generally speaking, it's something that children do unrestrained with very little inspiration needed – they create their own inspiration).

Reaching what I'm going to refer to as the pre-chorus (I can't say if that's a legitimate descriptor of these two lines that beautifully connect the verses to the chorus, but that's what I'm calling it), I will analyze it here separately from the rest of the chorus. In short, in the pre-chorus "And you will take my hand/[and be with me in/make believe it's] wonderland," 'wonderland' acts most overtly as a mechanism of escapism, although, based on all of the verses (and where I mentioned 'reality/what is') prior to the choruses, we see/understand why that escapism is so necessary. At the same time, wonderland still, nonetheless, is a place or (from what I've analyzed so far) future to endeavor to, and from "And you will take my hand/And be with me in wonderland", it's clearly meant to be a collective effort to cultivate reality into this ideal.

Now for the chorus where I absolutely, shamelessly swoon:

“I am an honest man I need the love of you I am a working man I feel the winter too”

To state what this chorus illustrates through a meme: it's called vulnerability. Look it up. Maybe you'll discover something wonderful. *coughs* Really, the chorus is simply a display of vulnerability, WHICH – YES, I'M GOING TO SAY IT – IS NOT POPULARLY SHOWN BY MEN, particularly vulnerability that is not demonstrated manipulatively (aka receiving benefits that are not mutually shared by the demonstration of vulnerability; an example of that would be men who think that being emotionally vulnerable with women entitles them to sex), and from the pre-chorus alone we know that nothing less than reciprocity is expected, so it does bear acknowledging. In the rhythm of the chorus, supported by the overtly skipped beat by the drums and the bass that punctuates each line, the chorus sounds a lot like a list of how he describes himself - 'I: am an honest man, need the love of you, am a working man, feel the winter too.' It could also be understood as the ways in which he pursues the ideal world of wonderland (being honest, utilizing love, and actively working toward it) while admitting the barriers or seasons/cycles of negativity that exist to stall his efforts. The reason why I see the line "I feel the winter, too" as a barrier is because, to put this idea into context with the rest of the song, which I feel is also supported by context present in many other Big Country songs (easy context to find, though, such as in "In a Big Country"), it is a metaphor for depression and anxiety – "the winter" represents a state of being (mentally, emotionally, and physically) that freeze one's endeavor to create the ideal world/state of reality that is implied by wonderland. I also see the last line possibly being read ambiguously, as though mutually acknowledging that he and whoever he is singing to (in the line "I need the love of you") both "feel the winter". Regardless, the last line is aptly positioned as the final line in the chorus, because it acknowledges that progress is often not linear, as though to say that if one looks back at where one has been (and remembers all of the motives that keep one moving forward), it actually is easier to see where one needs to go; it is as hopeless a line as the rest of the song is hopeful, which is a reminder that the rest of the song is hopeful.

All that to say: a perfect song may not exist, but this surely comes close to being, if it is not wholly, one of the greatest songs ever written. Does that evidence suffice? :)

[goointhemachine]

I just submitted my latest assessment. I won't go too far into it (the presentation is 25 slides long!), but I made a turnaround for a robot character and her name is J-113. She's the robot gardener of a game that I'm eeking towards making.

Here is the breakdown on context: the game, her as a character and her place in the narrative.

The silhouette design tells you quite a lot about where my thinking was at the start and how it changed as I sketched.

Figuring out the head took a fair amount of doing, I started by visiting my sources and sketching them to understand how one heads this sort of undertaking.

I finally settled on this lovely, gummy granny head with her lil' ol' hair bun.

I plucked the colours directly out of photos of Eze, the lovely small town in the south of france which acts as something of a setting inspiration.

Here is the turnaround of the character. This one was done in photoshop from the start and with much too thick a brush, on reflection. She came out like she's meant to be in a children's cartoon: low detail, relying totally on appeal.

By contrast, I drew this version of her on paper, digitised it and painted it and got a COMPLETELY different style again. Something I'll have to figure out, that.

Here's what I'm happy with:

I didn't think I was even vaguely capable of drawing, let alone being able to layer draw on paper, digitise and create a whole-ass, posed character. I'm REALLY impressed with myself,

There's a lot of thoughtfulness in the design, I went to a lot of trouble to think of her accessories, how she would look because of her place in the world...

This was heaps of fun. I tore through paper just getting concepts down and iterating on the character. Once I get started I have such a blast and I've gotten SO much better in such a short span of time? That's awesome

And now some room for improvement:

my colouring is all very basic and flat, she could use highlights and shadows, as well as colour-blending,

I need to decide whether she has thick, visible lines or not and try colouring her one more time from that vantage,

As a character she is supposed to be old and bumped to hecc, so I need to give her more visible wear; scratches, dents, missing bits, ad-hoc fixes (tape, glue gun, cable ties),

Referencing kicked my ass and almost cost a 10% penalty, I need to develop a system to reference more effectively,

I really need to get more familiar with colour theory so that I can develop a stable of colour palettes I can rely on and make new ones as I need to

[wyrmfedgrave]

Pics:

1. The version of "The Descent" that you want to own. Don't know why the uncut ending was edited out of the other version. It's just a pretty tame Twilight Zone type twist...

2. Part 2 in this series has our final Grrl being forced back into the cave by the local sheriff!

3. The 6 gal pals that start out on a relaxing spelunking trip. But, who or what actually kill most of them?

4 & 5. Behind-the-scenes photos of the Crawlers' SFX. The 'fact' that their race is supposedly thousands of years old has a racial component to it...

1906: The Earth (is) Not Hollow.

Intro: 2005's other caving movie "The Descent" is a British horror flick about a group of six women spelunking in North Carolina - when they're stalked by underground humanoids...

Plot: After a tragic accident, the grieving Sarah, her BFF Juno & 4 other, hardcore women go spelunking in an 'unexplored' cavern system.

On the way downwards, they find ancient cave paintings & evidence of somebody's previous expedition.

An underground mishap forces them to seek for another way out...

Instead, they end up lost several miles below the surface...

Too late, the group learn that there's beings living down here! They're supposedly flesh eating predators that use sound to hunt them down!!

Though the women freak out at 1st, it's understandable for such a dire situation.

But, they rally together & make a plan to survive & get out alive!

They've been forced to be violent, brutal - even cruel...

In this, Sarah & Juno really stand out, fighting back viciously!!

In many genres, but, especially in horror films, such violence is directed against women.

Not here.

Though they're presented as normal women, they lead active lifestyles.

So, they're not only prepared to fight back - they do so with gusto!!

They grapple, gouge & use pickaxes with aim & precision - fueled by a raging, berserker mode!

But, due to a certain piece of unique jewelry, Sarah finds out that her own husband was cheating on her!!

And, with who...

Now, in the worst possible place, the gals turn on each other!

But, Sarah gets her just revenge...

Criticism: This is an anomaly for any type of film. But, especially a horror one.

It's still rare to film strong, driven women doling out a major ass kicking & spilling out the most splatter!

The one major gripe is saved for the vague ending of the American version.

The original twist is not only better, it's also a more 'proper' horror ending. A last bit of gloominess that demands a sequel...

Yet, some movie company censors decided that the original ending is too 'dark' for U.S. audiences.

(Yo! Wake up!! We've survived seeing "The Exorcist", "Jaws" & "The Mist" - with no problems!! We're all stronger than you think! Though I'm still scared of going to the beach... Heh.)

Only some 64 seconds were actually cut...

Notes:

1. There's viewer rumors stating that Sarah, our final girl, only imagined the Crawlers.

Or, that she lied about them - hiding her slaughter of the others!!

Others believe that the Crawlers are 'real', but, not violent...

All of these speculations are due to the last scene in the American cut.

Where Sarah is startled by a vision of the dead Juno - sitting beside her!

In the uncut scene, Sarah screams after the vision & wakes up - still back down in the cave!!

(Why would they bother to cut this?! Answer: To make more money, by forcing folk to buy both versions. All for a measley 64 seconds!!)

2. Racism?!

The director, Neil Marshall, says that the Crawlers are descendants of an ancient people who 'preferred' living underground.

Supposedly, they've been living 'down under' for thousands of years! This has allowed the Crawlers some time to learn how to survive in the total darkness.

The 'problem' is that the location is in North Carolina.

Thousands of years ago, only Native Americans lived here. So, the Crawlers must - logically - be 'Indians.'

Sorry, but, I think that it's time for the old Debased Aboriginal trope to 'die' horribly already...

3. Women usually have slim pickings in horror films.

They're either the target of some stalker, evil haunting or "Jack the Ripper" types!

Otherwise, they're on a dangerous revenge mission - due to a rape...

The actresses usually have heaving bosoms, see thru tops & panic or cry at the drop of a fashionable hat!

This was done to attract a more male audience. Since most women avoided these kinds of films.

So, the studios were, at 1st, actively targeting just half of the available population.

Once they realized this, it led to the whole final girl trope. An attempt to get women back into the theater - for horror films.

(It's good to see the violence against women trope being subverted. Now, about the Native American thing...)

[system-of-a-feather]

Honestly? I feel people particularly in Western and individualist capitalist society over complicate and subscribe to a concept of "sense of self" that is far more limited and self destructive than not and that rather limited concept of "sense of self" is largely why there stuff like DID and all seem to be "more prevalent in western cultures" since identity and "sense of self" as a thing of "what makes me who I am and what makes me different than others"

But honestly? As I see it, my / our sense of self is the collection of our way of existing and maybe a vague sense of our principles and values that we collectively have - but even thats a "maybe". Imo the sense of self is always changing and any real attempts to label it is 9/10 times just going to describe your present state of being and while that is very important to acknowledge, trying to hold yourself to an identity that is rooted in an arbitrary state of being established at an arbitrary time you last reflected and checked in/on your "sense of self" tends to drive a lot of distress, confusion, and general "stuckness" when - for whatever reason - your current sense of self doesn't align with what it was last Tuesday when you thought of it.

Riku and I talk about this all the time, between Riku's more classical Zen Buddhist approach to things and me just generally being anti-captialist anti-individualism - it's something we really like to have our internal socratic seminars over /hj

But I guess in short for us, each alter has a momentary sense of self defined by their own general way of existing, and somewhere in there, there is a collective way of existing that we have that we all vibe with and understand but due to DID and dissociation, we ourselves can't see it as clearly as outsiders might and honestly? That's fine. We don't need to clearly see that because imo, knowledge and a deep word-bound understanding of what that is tends to be a lot more restraining and harmful than actually knowing it.

I generally go by the line of "I am me" (OK RIKU IM TRYING TO TALK ABOUT OUR CONVERSATION PLEASE DONT THROW MEMES AT ME WHEN IM TRYING TO TALK ABOUT THIS) and I think that applies both on the alter and system level. There's no real need to over complicate it.

Like I can say stuff like "I'm a nonbinary male rocker boy anti-capitalist anti-individualism white haired ass whole who is an introject of like 6 different sources and loves martial arts and DMC and" all that I want and that is all true and I love and value all those very identifying traits of myself and regularly indulge in that, but really, all of that is just what I am *right now* and not who I am as a whole large concept that lives, grows, and changes over time.

Sense of self is, and should be, ever growing, ever changing, and undefinable with words in my opinion and approaching sense of self like that removes A LOT of stress on this "oh no but we have to be consistent" and "well who AM I" cause like.... you are you no matter what and no matter how complicated, chaotic, and structurally chaotic "you" might be as well as regardless of if you can see "you" clearly.

The thing is, even as a system, others will perceive you and they will see the whole more clearly than you do because they don't see all the internal workings as detailed to clutter it - but it's there, solely on the basis that your being is operating and interacting in the world in some way that is defined by your life experiences and internal experiences and your actions compiled paint an image of self. We can't see it well cause amnesia and what not, but it's there and I trust outsiders to see and acknowledge it without me needing to consciously label it.

But I digress-

//kicks XIV off the platform// I'M LITERALLY SCREAMING I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR THE LAST 20 MINUTES FOR A REALLY GOOD ZEN BUDDHIST 1.5 HOUR LONG DISCUSSION ON THIS TOPIC THAT I REALLY REALLY REALLY LIKED AND I THINK ITS OFF YOUTUBE AND IM GOING TO CRY AND SCREAM AND DIE AND //shot//

I really wanted to link it here up at the top cause it was REALLY good and REALLY liberating but now I guess at least I have a reason to go find another speaker who converses it half as well

If I find something like that I'll link it but like "Who am I" is honestly a very fundamental meditative question within Zen and (apparently from what I find while trying my hardest to find the video on youtube) Tibetan Buddhism and its such a nice thing to meditate though.

((WHY IS IT NO LONGER THERE IM GOING TO CRY AND DIE AND SCREAM AND-//shot//)

(... ironically case in point of the ever changing "way of being" XD)

On Identity

The other day, I saw someone talk about struggling with their own identity outside of “someone with DID” or “a person with trauma”. And that got me to thinking… what even is identity in the context of those of us who are a system? Individual alters may have their own sense of identity, sure, however they find that identity. But is there a system identity? And not like…. just in the sense of “we’re part of this system”, but like…. a whole, overarching identity that feels like “me” that the whole system feels, if that makes sense?

And what even makes up an identity? I’ve heard of people saying things like, favorite color or favorite food, but that feels incredibly surface level. But things like race, age, and class also feel too limiting. Or rather… I don’t like putting the focus on those things as my identity. It’s a part of my identity, yes. But not really the whole story?

The sense of “me” is kind of weird for people with DID and trying to differentiate how that feels from alter to alter is hard to articulate. And I’m sure no two systems even conceptualize identity the same way. The sense of “me” vs “not me” is both nebulous and distinct. And is there maybe some sort of an undercurrent of “me” that’s prevalent throughout all the alters in my system?

I think I can pretty confidently say, yeah. There is definitely a sense of “me” that seems present in every single alter in this system. I can’t really spell out what that “me” is, but I think it’s there. And as the days go on that sense of identity, of “me”, not as a part but as a whole, gets a little bit stronger.

Maybe this is what it means to be less dissociative. Maybe this is the beginning of what healing looks like for me.

[skzmix]

dahlia.

⇥ info: hyunjin + edging; explicit smut

Hyunjin looked a little too good with a blindfold on, but damn, you wished you could see his eyes.

It was his birthday and you had left him a vague and rather ominous note taped to the mirror in the bathroom of your shared apartment when you slipped out before he woke up.

Get plenty of rest today, my love. You’re going to need it tonight.

Hyunjin was so excited he couldn’t think straight. Knowing how you both loved keeping the bedroom extra spicy, he could only fantasize about what you had in store for him.

When he stepped out into the living room, Hyunjin’s jaw dropped. There was a large easel with a fresh canvas, topped off with a big red bow. He approached it, grinning from ear to ear, and ran his fingers over the brand new set of paint brushes.

Hyunjin was touched, but he was also downright furious that you weren’t there so he could crush you in a grateful hug. And cover you in many, many kisses.

He couldn’t wait to paint something new, his mind filling with ideas. The obvious winner would be a soft watercolor portrait of you, dressed in something sheer. Or maybe not dressed at all.

Hyunjin cleared his throat, shaking that thought out of his head. It was going to be a long day.

He was all smiles around his members. Despite having to do some rehearsals on his birthday, you wouldn’t know it by how joyful and energetic he was. The boys presented him with a cake and sang ‘happy birthday’ and of course, made sure to rub icing on his nose.

Not long after, a messenger arrived with a huge bouquet of assorted roses. All the members gasped and fawned over it, because they knew who the sender was.

Hyunjin’s cheeks flushed dark red. Flowers were his weak spot. He then read the attached note more than once - Happy Birthday, baby. I’m counting down the minutes until you come home to me.

It was signed with your initials and that was all it took for Hyunjin to get riled up again.

What does she have in mind? Hyunjin was thinking of all the things you could do with him - to him.

“She knows you too well,” Felix teased under his breath, giving Hyunjin’s arm a shove and knocking him out of his dirty thoughts.

Hyunjin had the bouquet in his lap, inhaling the aroma of the roses. He had the irresistible urge to kiss every inch of you, all night long, whispering I love you endlessly into your ear. He was imagining your naked body and soft skin, and his mouth was watering.

The clock moved at a snail’s pace and Hyunjin couldn’t take his eyes off of it, constantly unlocking his phone to check that clock too. As if it were any faster. Damn it, he just wanted to go home. He had every intention of throwing himself into your arms and never leaving again.

They would have to drag him away from you for the next rehearsals.

A text came and Hyunjin smirked when he saw your name.

Hang in there, birthday boy.

It was like you could read his mind. The anticipation was killing him. Hyunjin texted back, I miss you so bad, baby.

Oh?

Hyunjin bit his lip, fingers hovering over the screen, wondering how he could politely put that he wanted to rail you into next week. Before he could reply, another text came. With an image attached.

Fuck, Hyunjin thought as his mouth ran dry. There you were, standing in the bathroom of yours and his apartment, taking a picture over your shoulder of your reflection in the mirror.

You were wearing black lingerie. And holy fuck, did it leave very little to the imagination.

Hyunjin stared at the perfect curve of your ass. There was no point in that lacy thong. He couldn’t wait to just rip it in half with a single tug.

You’re cruel, he replied back.

Hyunie, I’m just getting started, was all you said.

Hyunjin swallowed the lump in his throat. Yep, it was official - you owned him.

You glanced around the apartment, making sure all was in place. You’d taken half a day at work to give yourself plenty of time to prepare. There were more roses on the dresser, because your Pisces boy loved flowers, and you picked up some chocolate covered strawberries.

Making dinner or even ordering takeout would be a waste of time. The evening and most of the night would be spent in the bedroom. The only appetite either of you had at the moment was carnal in nature.

Hyunjin texted you that he was on his way home and you quickly raced into the bathroom to give yourself one final glance over. The black lingerie set was hidden beneath your most professional looking grey suit for now.

You slipped into your favorite red bottom heels (gifted from Hyunjin obviously) and put on some lipstick before lighting the candles you had stationed throughout the room. Once they added a sultry hue with their glow, you turned off the lights.

“Babe, I’m home,” Hyunjin announced the moment he opened the front door, stepping inside and taking off his shoes. He didn’t have the patience to hang up his jacket so he just tossed it onto the nearest table along with his keys.

You peered out of the bedroom, chuckling at the way he searched the living space for you, and finally walked out, greeting, “Happy Birthday, Hyunjin.”

Your boyfriend stopped, eyes darting to you. “Thank you,” he said shyly.

You could see the obvious disappointment when he realized you weren’t still wearing the lingerie, but the grin that took over his face at just the sight of you made warmth spread from inside your chest.

Hyunjin marched right over to you, gathering you in his arms and pressing a kiss to your lips. You cradled his face in your hands, smiling against his mouth, and kissed him back deeply.

You broke away first, taking him by the hand and saying, “Follow me.”

Hyunjin would follow you anywhere at this point. He was hinged on your every move. When he stepped into the bedroom and saw your handiwork of flowers and candles, he gaped. “Whoa. You did all of this?”

“Guilty,” you replied coyly, pleased with his reaction.

Hyunjin’s pulse sped up when he saw the familiar padded handcuffs and silk blindfold on the bed. His pulse got even faster when you started stripping him out of his clothes.

“Are you ready for another present?” you asked under your breath, standing on your tiptoes to nip at his neck.

Hyunjin roamed his hands over your back and hips as you undressed him. His eyes fluttered at the way you sucked at the base of his neck. “You spoil me.”

“You spoil me too. It’s only fair.”

Hyunjin practically purred when you began kissing across his bare chest and collarbones. Your hands dipped down to his pants, shimmying off his jeans and boxers until he was standing before you naked.

That was when you steered him over to the bed and pushed him onto his back. Hyunjin stared up at you, lips parted, chest heaving a little. His cock was already hard, twitching with excitement. Just the thought of being at your mercy turned him on so bad.

You kneeled on the bed and grabbed the handcuffs, spinning them on your fingers in a taunt. Then, you pointed at the headboard and told him, “Put your arms in a way that’s comfortable. You’re gonna be cuffed for a while.”

Hyunjin settled upright on the pillows and lifted his arms, bending his elbows enough that there wouldn’t be too much strain on his shoulders. You straddled his lap, cuffing his wrists and slipping the chain between the beams. After you had, you tugged to make sure there was no chance of escape.

Then, you made a little noise. Thanks to your position on top of him, Hyunjin couldn’t resist the access to your neck and was sucking on the sensitive spot over your racing pulse.

You indulged him only for a moment, remembering this was all about him, but his lips felt so good against your skin. “Bad boy,” you chided playfully, planting a hand to his bare chest and shoving him back.

Hyunjin grunted. He loved when you were rough with him.

You smirked at the look on his face, the total daze in his eyes. The apartment could be on fire and he wouldn’t notice. You were all that existed in the world to him. Especially since you were sitting squarely on his stiff cock.

Hyunjin wiggled his arms, testing the hold just to get a reaction out of you. The chain between padded cuffs was loud as it clanked against the frame.

“Going somewhere?” you asked with an arched brow, rocking back to sit on his thick thighs.

Hyunjin shook his head. His heart was about to explode. You hadn’t even touched him yet and he was already falling apart. It was too arousing.

“I love you,” he blurted out, staring at your face like you were the most beautiful person in the world.

You bit your lip, tracing your hand over his cheek affectionately. Hyunjin caught one of your fingers with his mouth, grabbing gently with his teeth to make you snicker. “I know,” you replied silkily, running your thumb over his bottom lip.

Hyunjin shivered. Your voice had dropped to that place between seductive and dangerous.

You slipped off your suit coat and tossed it to the floor. Hyunjin watched your every move, attention fixated to your fingers. You started unfastening the buttons of your white dress shirt and once you had, Hyunjin caught a glimpse of the black lingerie underneath. His eyes flickered when he realized you had been wearing it the whole time.

“Fuck,” he whined, hips shifting underneath you for just a little bit of friction.

You darted forward, grabbing him by the jaw none too gently, and hissed, “Stop. From now on until I say otherwise, you don’t move unless I tell you to. Understand?”

Hyunjin nodded, submitting on the spot.

You smiled, reverting back to a playful tone. “Such a needy boy. Acting like I didn’t let him hit it from the back last night.”

“I know,” Hyunjin groaned, tipping his head back. He was flooded with the fresh memories of you throwing yourself back against him, taking every inch of his cock. He could still hear the skin slapping against skin that echoed through the bedroom and your moans, begging him to fuck your brains out.

It hadn’t even been twenty-four hours and he was already desperate for your body again.

You left a parting kiss to his sweet lips before climbing off of him. Hyunjin watched, holding his breath, gaze following as you walked to the edge of the bed and started to strip.

For Hyunjin, it was torture. No wonder you cuffed him first. You could do as you pleased without having to slap his impatient hands away.

You stripped out of the suit painfully slow, putting your back to him as you pushed down your pants. There was that goddamn thong he had wanted to rip off, but his hands were tied. Hyunjin clenched his fists because - holy hell - he had never wanted to touch you so badly.

You took the blindfold and slipped the silky material through your fingers, tantalizing. Wearing only the lingerie and heels, you crawled back onto the bed and began fitting the blindfold over Hyunjin’s eyes, tying it behind his head. “Show’s over, baby,” you cooed.

Hyunjin wanted to calm himself down, but he couldn’t catch his breath no matter how hard he tried. He could see nothing and his hands were bound. Every touch that followed took him by surprise and made his cock jump.

Your fingernails scraped down his thighs. Your lips brushed over his nipples. Every now and then, you would press a chaste kiss to his lips or a soft nip to his neck, all to steady him and ground him back to you.

Then, finally, your hand wrapped around his hard cock.

“Fuck,” Hyunjin swore, squirming on the bed. He had been on the verge of begging for you to touch him, but he was happy now he held out. Geez, the night was only getting started. How in the hell was he going to survive?

You ran your thumb over the tip, before squeezing him at the base to remind your boyfriend who was in control tonight. It wasn’t often that it was you. Hyunjin liked to be dominant in the relationship. He may have been soft and subtle in the dynamic, but he was undeniably the alpha in this pairing.

And almost exclusively in the bedroom. Which you didn’t mind in the least.

But that was why these occasions were so much fun. There were times Hyunjin needed you to take the reins from him. Too often he worked himself to exhaustion and just needed to let you lead for a time until he recovered his strength. And you were all happy to oblige.

“Relax, baby,” you told him in a whisper, but there was an edge to your tone. You coated your hand with your own saliva and began to pump him in your fist, paying extra attention to the head.

Hyunjin sank his teeth into his bottom lip and his head fell back, smacking against the wall. He always got too worked up when you were in control. You could finish him in seconds with a simple fucking handjob. But Hyunjin didn’t care. This was about him. He had no worries, no stresses.

He loved letting you ruin him.

“Safe word is birthday,” you said, still working his cock in your hand. “Say it.”

“Birthday. Got it,” Hyunjin replied hurriedly. He set his jaw and grit his teeth, trying to fight back orgasm. He didn’t want to come already. He was enjoying this way too much.

“I want you to tell me when you’re about to blow,” you said offhandedly, like you were discussing something mundane like laundry. “If you finish without my permission, I will punish you.”

Hyunjin practically moaned at that. “Mm, punish me,” he retorted, licking his lips. God, he really hated the blindfold at the moment, wishing he could see the look on your face.

You immediately let go of his cock, shifting on the bed. “What was that?” you asked roughly.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.” But he totally did.

You grabbed Hyunjin’s jaw again before reeling your hand back and giving him a light smack to the cheek. “Someone is being a little brat already.”

Hyunjin regretted all of his life choices the second your hand left his dick and started to beg, “I’m not. I won’t. Please hit me again.”

You smirked, almost laughing. When it came to sex, Hyunjin was absolutely shameless and you enjoyed the hell out of it.

Hyunjin had no thoughts in his pretty little head except his cock and how bad it ached. And given the state of his hands, only you could help him with that. Which meant he would say or do anything you wanted.

Instead of doing as he asked and giving him another slap, you returned to his cock and started working him with both hands, moving at a merciless pace that could only mean you wanted to finish him hard and fast.

Hyunjin chanted curse words in his mother tongue, panting for air as you fucked him with your hands closer and closer to release. His eyes were pressed shut behind the blindfold and he cried out in warning, “I’m so close, baby.”

You said nothing, but gave him a few more pumps for good measure and stopped, readjusting yourself because his little whimpers and moans made your panties slick with arousal.

Hyunjin whined and tugged at the cuffs, shivering at the lack of your touch. The room was silent except for his loud inhales and exhales as you waited for him to drift back down from the edge of being denied orgasm.

Your hands roamed his body, rubbing his thighs soothingly. You traced your fingers over his chest and nipples, left kisses over his neck and jaw. “Good job, baby,” you crooned.

“Fuck you,” Hyunjin shot back, though he didn’t mean it. He just wanted to keep things spicy.

You swatted his cheek, making a smack echo through the room.

Hyunjin smirked, letting his tongue linger at the corner of his mouth, having gotten the exact reaction he wanted.

“You love this shit,” you teased, leaning in to kiss him.

Hyunjin kissed you back hungrily, hands yanking at the cuffs because he wanted nothing more than to tangle a fist in your hair and pin you to the bed, fucking you until you unraveled beneath him.

Alas, that would have wait until you freed him. For the time being, he would sit back and enjoy himself.

After what felt like hours of kissing, you willed yourself away from his perfect lips and back to his big cock.

Hyunjin missed the warmth of you against him, but shivered when he felt your breath on his length and moaned when you took him into your mouth.

And like clockwork, the moment Hyunjin warned you he was close, his voice pitching higher and higher, you drew away from him.

Hyunjin cried out at being denied yet again, though he had known that was your plan, and rasped your name.

You simply chuckled and clambered off the bed.

Hyunjin was reminded he couldn’t see anything. Which made him hyper aware of what he heard. Your high heels clicked as you walked around the bed. There was a jingle here and a shuffle there.

You were taking off the lingerie. Now, naked as he was, you sidled back onto the mattress and climbed into your boyfriend’s lap.

Hyunjin sucked in a breath when you grabbed the base of his cock, steering him into your entrance, and let out the most breathy moan when you sank down on him slowly until every inch of him was buried in your soaking wet cunt.

“You feel so good, baby,” you purred, nibbling the shell of his ear. “You fill that pussy up so tight.”

“Fuck,” Hyunjin groaned. His face tensed with pleasure, his chest heaving and thighs trembling as you rode his cock and whispered dirty little nothings against his neck. The edging had gotten to him. He was going to burst. “Please. Let me come.”

“Not yet. Tell me when you’re close,” you said calmly, fighting a moan at just how deep he was.

“If I do, you’ll stop.”

“Use your safe word then.”

Hyunjin pinched his lips together. He wouldn’t dare. He liked pleasing you too much.

You kissed the corner of his mouth in reward. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

It was too good. You were rolling your hips while he was stuffed balls deep inside you. Hyunjin wanted to let a little comment pass about how wet you were, but he held it in. He was riding a high knowing you were turned on by everything you did to him.

Both yours and Hyunjin’s moans blended together and echoed in the room. Hyunjin could feel your nipples brushing his chest as you rode him and the heat of your breath on his neck as you panted with exertion. You held onto him tightly, arms around his shoulders and bounced yourself up and down his cock.

“I’m gonna come, baby. Fuck,” Hyunjin warned, his stomach tightening.

“A little more,” you said, picking up your pace. You knew he liked when you pushed his limits. He loved dancing on that line.

Hyunjin groaned your name and that almost made you come on the spot. Then, he told you hurriedly, “Shit. I’m right there.”

You stopped, sheathing him to the hilt inside you and combing your fingers into his hair to calm him down.

Hyunjin was shaking like a leaf underneath you and in your arms, like his whole body was fighting an orgasm he desperately wanted. “Please, don’t move,” he whispered.

“I won’t,” you said, kissing his sweaty brow affectionately. Droplets of sweat were streaming down his face by now, dripping from his hair, making his neck and chest glisten.

Hyunjin had never been this close to the edge before without finishing and it was a true testament to his willpower that he didn’t buck his hips into yours and finish himself off.

When you felt him settle down, his body no longer tremoring and his breaths settling to normal, you tugged at the blindfold until it slipped free.

Hyunjin blinked. His vision cleared and he smiled at the sight of your face. You smiled back and he didn’t hesitate to capture your lips in a searing hot kiss.

You started to move again and Hyunjin broke from your kiss to moan. “Don’t take your eyes off me,” you said firmly.

Hyunjin nodded. “I promise.”

“I’m not stopping this time,” you told him, speeding up. There was a loud clap when your ass landed back on his thighs. “Not until you get off. Not until you fill me up with cum.”

“Fuck.”

You gripped his throat, pressing down where his pulse throbbed.

Hyunjin’s mouth gaped open and his eyes rolled back. If there was one thing he liked more than being slapped, it was getting choked.

“Don’t hold back, Hyunie,” you cooed.

With your permission, Hyunjin started slapping his hips into yours as best he could, despite the strain on his bound arms. You matched his rhythm, dragging him to sweet release with your movements.

Hyunjin could barely get the words out before he began releasing inside you, throwing his head back and moaning. You wrapped your arms around his shoulders and bounced on him harder, milking every last drop out of him.

Your body couldn’t take anymore. As much as you tried to focus on his pleasure, orgasm slammed into you and made you cry out in the crook of his neck. Your walls tightened on his cock as he kept pumping you full with the rest of his load.

Hyunjin groaned even more at the vice-like grip you had on him and leaned his head against yours, coaxing you through your orgasm with little words whispered in your ear.

You slumped into Hyunjin who had gone limp beneath you. The two of you were breathing hard and fast, hearts racing at a similar uncontrollable rhythm.

In edging your boyfriend, you had unknowingly edged yourself too.

When you finally sat up, Hyunjin stared at you like you were the eighth wonder of the world. You giggled, seeing the glistening moisture on his cheeks from the few tears that had escaped him in ecstasy.

You reached up and unfastened the cuffs, letting them hang from the frame. You didn’t have the energy to untangle the chain. Hyunjin’s arms dropped like dead weight at his sides, hands gravitating to settle on your thighs.

He was still buried inside you.

“You okay?” you asked a little worriedly.

“Yeah,” Hyunjin said with a nod, breathless. His voice was weak and airy.

You nuzzled his nose and pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth. “You did so well. I hope you liked your birthday presents.”

Hyunjin blew out a heavy sigh, blushing a little at your praise. “I wasn’t looking forward to getting older, but now I wish every day was my birthday.”

You laughed.

Hyunjin smiled widely. Even though you had just ridden the soul out of him, you were still the cutest damn thing. “Thank you for my flowers. I love them. And the paint set too. I think I forgot to mention that.”

“You’re welcome.”

“My brain isn’t working.”

You let out a little chuckle. That was obvious.

Hyunjin leaned in, nipping at your lips playfully. “No one has ever made me come that hard,” he said in a low growl. “Not even myself.”

You grinned, smug, having figured as much. Then, you softened, “Any ideas of what you want to paint with the new canvas?”

“A few. But mostly you.”

You blinked in surprise. “Me?”

“Yeah. Would you wanna pose for me?” he asked shyly, though Hyunjin had a feeling he already knew the answer.

You met his eyes, fire starting to gather between your bodies. “Naked?”

“Mm,” Hyunjin hummed, leaning in to kiss your neck. He cupped your breast in his broad hand and ran his thumb slowly around your nipple. He could feel himself getting hard inside you again.

You could too. Your eyes fluttered closed as he sucked on your neck and you slipped a hand into his hair, holding on tight for what you knew was coming next. “I would love to do it,” you finally said.

Hyunjin whispered darkly, “That’s my girl.”

That made heat pool between your legs. You quirked a brow. “Ready to go again?”

“Yes,” he said before you could barely finish asking. Hyunjin moved forward, gathering you in his arms and throwing your legs around his hips as he lowered you to the bed underneath him.

~ 🌹

[fipindustries]

so im checking out amphibia

this show is surprising in many ways.

first of all it has a spunky teenage girl protagonist who gets things done and speaks her mind.

 and also she is a little shit. 

and the show makes it explicitly clear that she is a little shit.

not only is she a little shit her constant rebelious attitude, her questioning of authority and her disregard for tradition are consistently painted on a negative light. she is shown as irresponsible, selfish, lazy, impulsive and immature.

whats more, it shows the old cantakerous, traditionalist small town farmer patriarchal figure with a HEAVY southern accent as the voice of reason half the time. this show should be called “chestertons fence” because every time annie tries to disregard or ignore an old bit of ossified cultural folk wisdom its proven time and again that the fence was there for a very good reason.

but it goes even further than this! this is all happening in a small isolated farming community, where the locals are shown to be backwards, yokels, vaguely european and openly disdainful or distrustful of the main character for being an outsider, and the main character is an actual POC! and the villagers are generally shown to be sympathetic or endearing!

there is a whole ass episode where the main conflict is that evil big goverment agents come to collect taxes from this community! holy fuck!

edit: oh my god i almost forgot! how not to mention the episode where the characters decide to establish an anarcho socialist comune in the farm but then it turns out that the workers dont know how the fuck to run a farm and need the boss to come back and set everything back in order with his leadership (he makes a small concession that he might take suggestions from his workers in the future)

or the episode where its shown that you should really care about your roots and your ancestry and your bloodline because it turns out they were all likely warrior poets.

fuck the more i think about it the more insane it all sounds!

of course, i am framing it all in a very specific and deliberate way to drive the point home, when presented like this the show almost sounds like a conservative wet dream, but the thing is that all of what i descrived factually happens in the show.

its fascinating to watch, and repetitive as the plot of every episode might be and flat as the jokes may fall some times, its all the same a cute show with surprisingly good animation

[all-this-panic-still-no-disco]

I heard that you were putting out a new thomastair fic. Do you mind telling me what's it about?

ok lets go lets fuckin do this. bear with me here because it’s complicated as fuck.

so, we begin with alastair carstairs on a bright afternoon. he’s angry. cranky. just lost a case and is pissed at a client. about to smash his coffee mug. (alastair is a barrister, which is just fancy british for lawyer.) so, faced with the possibility of smashing his coffee mug or doing something about his Rage™️, he calls thomas and says, ‘can you get over here and fuck me, please’

spoiler alert! thomas and alastair have been hooking up for eight fucking years after accidentally ending up at the same uni.

thomas comes over, they fuck, it’s very cute and very sexy, but thomas has to leave the next morning as he has a class to teach. (he’s a professor of classics at london college university)

alastair goes back to work, stress and anger freshly fucked out of him, and takes up another case. a young uni student just inherited a fuck-ton of money from his grandfather is having his inheritance sued over the fact that his grandfather was unaware that his grandson was gay and if he did know, he wouldn’t have left him so much money. total bullshit, but the family is rich and they have some serious pull.

so alastair says fuck this, let’s get you your inheritance. he works his fucking ass off and halfway through the case’s first day in court, the prosecution brings up alastair’s ‘impartiality’ on the issue of him having a sexual relationship with another man.

surprise surprise! the daily mail just published an article on alastair’s ‘scandal’ of daring to take a case where a young gay man is targeted for being gay. the case is pretty high profile because of the family’s status. (alastair is also a fucking good lawyer.) pictures are included in the article of him and thomas kissing and getting pretty close to fucking in alastair’s living room. they’re both covered enough in the photos, but they’re a horrible violation of privacy and the whole thing is super shitty.

alastair freaks the fuck out and the trial is adjourned, and he runs home to find thomas in his apartment waiting for him, because years ago alastair gave him a key. (they’re totally just hooking up guys)

alastair’s ‘scandal’ soon becomes vaguely trending. all of their friends find out and it’s fucking chaos. alastair is trying his very best not to loose it but he’s not doing very well.

the worst part isn’t the homophobia of it all or the horrific mess of his private acts being posted online, it’s that his career is pretty much ruined. despite having done nothing wrong, even the slightest rumor of a barrister being not 100% bad rep free means he won’t get hired, or at the very least not as much. people don’t want a scandal-associated lawyer because it might sway the jury against their favor. why contract alastair when there’s plenty of other sex-scandal free options?

so alastair’s freaking out about his job when thomas presents this wonderful idea: fake date.

(i fucking know, right?)

it’s actually pretty smart. fake dating will turn the narrative around; suddenly alastair isn’t the barrister who had some torrid affair, he’s a man who’s private life has been grossly invaded, which is the truth. if they give the story the gloss of a committed relationship and hearts and rainbows, alastair won’t be painted as some overly sexual gay man stereotype. he’ll just be a man in love.

they both acknowledge how shitty it is that they have to do this, but agree. they’ll fake date until the trial ends, which alastair will probably win now that the prosecution has been exposed as cheating, homophobic fucks, and everything will be solved. thomas will also stay at alastair’s apartment through this time for totally ridiculous reasons that aren’t true and it’s just because they want to be near one another.

there’s only one problem.

alastair has been in love with thomas for years and despite knowing his feelings are somewhat reciprocated, (he’s a fucking idiot and thinks thomas’s feelings are a surface level crush and a side effect from fucking), he refuses to do anything about it. he doesn’t think he’s good enough for thomas and doesn’t want to wreck thomas’s life by dating him for real. (yes, he’s being self-sacrificially stupid but this is alastair, guys, what did you expect.)

to make matters worse, thomas, idiot and piner extraordinaire, has been fully in love with alastair since he was eighteen. he kept hooking up with alastair all this time because it was the only way he could be near him.

so we have alastair, in love with thomas but pretending he’s just interested in him for sex, and thomas, who’s fully fucking in love and really bad at hiding it. these two idiots are now fake dating and lying to all their family and friends for the sake of alastair’s career.

bomb, meet lighter. things are about to go boom. i swear, this fic has everything i could cram into it.

angst: angsted.

pining: cranked to eleven.

domestic fluff: sweeter then marshmallows.

sex: hot and dirty as fuck.

welcome to my fucking disaster golden egg.

so far, it has over eighty thousand words and it’s not even fucking done yet.

also, i lowkey think it’s the best thing i’ve ever written and i’m hella excited to share it with you guys. i’m gonna stop typing now bc my thumbs hurt and kudos to you if you read this far. 😚 my current plan is to post the first chapter sometime around august, so get ready!

lots of love,

liza💖

[amoristt]

Grazing the Fire | IV

well hello. here i am, four years later, once again enamored with nathan enough to finally dust this baby off and pick up where i left it. im a little rusty so bear with me this chapter! much more to come <3

reblogs + tags and replies will make my entire day as i put a lot of effort into this :)! it also helps motivate me!

story continues beneath the read more. let me know if you can’t access it!

Warning: language, very vague s/a mentions

want to support me? heres my kofi!

__________________________

“Alright class, who can tell me,” A board stick clacks against the chalkboard. “Who can answer problem four?” 

A few hands raise in the corners of your eye, but yours remains atop your desk. Eyes far away, mind in a murky haze and almost completely unaware. All you could focus on were the memories playing on repeat within the confines of your tired, tired brain. Hours ago, you were warm, you were comfortable. Safe.

Cheeks heated to a dusting blush when you remind yourself just how you had awoken that morning. At some point in the night, an angel had blessed you. Allowed you to wake up wrapped around none other than big, bad, Nathan Prescott. Your face nuzzled into his chest, broad but wiry hands pressed firmly over your shoulder and his arm slung over your waist to keep you against him. Thankfully you had been the first to wake up, blinking away the morning sun blazing through his blinds and painting the room stripes of gold. At that moment, before your headache came crashing down onto your skull, you were astounded by him. 

Eye lashes brushing the top of his cheeks, his lips parted ever so slightly, chest rising and falling rhythmically. In that moment, there was no anger, no bitterness. Just a soft and peaceful slumber. It was like being the sole viewer of a magnificent painting- each stroke and detail placed just there just for you to pick out, to remember the curves and sharp edges down to the very foundation. From his unkempt hair down to the way his hand flattened onto the mattress where your indent still lived. Nathan was so beautiful like this. 

For a long time you stayed there. It was as though you were afraid to move- you couldn’t bear to disturb him. You had wondered, if he was always like this, so at peace, what would he be like? Likely soft voiced, mild mannered. He’d do his school assignments without hassle and donate to the charity board. He would wander the town with his friends and listen to music in a beat up truck flying down the stretch of highway overlooking the bold, blue, and beautiful ocean. An entirely different version of himself- carefree, and a fair blue as opposed to a burning flame of red. 

But, if that were the case, you’d never have gotten here. You’d never been both the outsider, and the only seeing eye. A lucky, albeit firstly unwilling witness to the display of depth before you. 

It never hit you like it had quite in that moment how lucky you were.

But- just then- an alarm disturbed what serendipity existed. You nearly leapt out of your skin, clutched your hands to your chest at the sudden sound. A headache wove its way into your once untouched temples. Nathan groaned, mumbled, ‘god damn it’, under his breath, and thus his body was reanimated into life. He rubbed his eyes and he stretched, that familiar scowl coming over his eyes and lips as he took in the sunlight damn near blinding him. A polar opposite to the being you’d appreciated just moments earlier.

“Ugh, fuck, how the fuck is it seven already.” He groaned. “I feel like shit.”

“Well good morning to you too,” You started, welcoming Nathan into the world. “‘I’m feeling pretty shitty as well.” 

You said that, but really… You were more than alright. Your head had hurt, slight nausea crept into the wells of your stomach, but other than that you’re sure you were phenomenally better than you’d have been waking up whereverTate would have left your ass.

“You need to get outta here, before everyone gets up.” Nathan drawled, but he didn’t sound as urgent as you expected him to be. You’d expected him to be angry that you were still in his room, but instead he just… accepted it. 

You snickered, climbing out of his throne of a bed. “Wow, you’re giving me the morning after treatment?” 

“Sure am. Get outta here, whore.”

“Oh fuck you.” 

You located your heels from last night, resting upright near his dorm room door. Heels didn’t sound like the most  practical to sneak out of a dorm with, so you instead opted to grappling them by the straps and carrying them at your side. Hair a mess, outfit riddled with wrinkles and makeup smudged under your eyes, you stood before Nathan in all your glory. He stared at you for a long, odd moment- and you for some reason felt exposed, or even, shy. 

“What?” You ask expectantly, placing a hand on your hip. 

His eyes trail to your line of vision. He shakes his head. “Just thinking about how now you really do look like my morning after.”

“Yeah?” You hummed. “Find it hard to believe you get a lot of those.”

Nathan shoots you a suggestive glance. “You’d be surprised. Everyone wants a piece of Prescott.”

Surely, he was joking, or maybe he wasn’t, but you… Didn’t like hearing that. It made your stomach feel odd, uncomfortably heavy.  As he stood up, reminding you how many inches he had over your size, you swallowed and cleared your throat to flush out that crappy feeling. “Well,” you started, mood having dropped. “I’m gonna go, then.” 

“What got your panties in a twist all the sudden?” He asked, raising a brow and pulling some clothes from his closet, tossing them onto the bed.

The bed you two had shared.

You hated the idea of his morning afters- whoever they may be. 

“Not feeling great. Probably a side effect of the roofies.” You mumbled.

Nathan breathed a laugh. “Probably.”

He seemed so calm, right now. Perhaps due to it being so early, before the outside world had a chance to remind him just why he was so uptight all the tight. Before he needed to be so uptight all the time. He really did have so many versions of himself- all of whom you were slowly becoming familiar with. Compared to the person you’d believed him to be before your run ins, you’d never have assumed someone so dangerous could be so soft as last night, as this morning. In the beginning, you’d feared him. Avoided him like a plague, or a wild animal. Even when you were enraptured in the existence of him, you still wanted to keep away. You’d never have believed someone like you could wake up clutched to his chest, as though he were afraid if he released you, you’d be gone long before he woke. 

Then, a sudden thought struck your mind. 

He’d held you so tight. He’d welcomed you in the morning. No anger, no annoyance. His soft laugh at your banter and taunts. How your heels were standing upright instead of tossed haphazardly into some random corner, where he’d watch your struggle to find. 

How he’d stayed awake to ensure your sleep.

“So are you just gonna stand there?” Nathan called you back to reality, hands gripping the hems of his shirt. “I gotta get ready and you need to wash up so you don’t look like a five dollar stripper.” Cruel words, but with absolutely no bite. You rolled your eyes.

“Yeah. But, hey,” You started. “Thank you for last night.” 

“Yeah, yeah. You gotta start learning to watch your own back.” He says. “There’s gonna be times I won’t be there to drag your ass out of the fire.”

If you’d been charged, if you’d been stricken with a strange defensiveness, you’d have retorted, ‘than stop helping me’, but… Instead you allowed yourself the comfort of protection. You allowed Nathan Prescott to watch you.  

“I know,” You reached for the door. “Thank you.”

With that, you bounded out of the dorm silent as a mouse. 

-----------

In hindsight, you should have left earlier. Class was merely 15 minutes away when you slipped out of Nathan's room and bounded towards the women's dorm. Albeit not exactly a long walk, by the time you discreetly snuck back into your own dorm, you had roughly twenty minutes to somehow pick an outfit from your countless unopened boxes and make yourself even slightly presentable. 

Wiping off whatever make-up you could get and reapplying it, brushing out the tangles of your hair and nearly tearing off your scalp in the process, scattering your nightclothes over your floor and managing to scrounge out a semi-decent outfit for the day… You still looked a mess. If the mirror could laugh, it would have. Black mascara smudges under your eyes and frizzy untreated hair. What a lovely look. 

You’d made it to class just five minutes late, but those five minutes were all it took for all eyes to be on you as you tried to slide into the classroom unnoticed. A couple classmates whispered to their table mates as you passed by, smelling of oversaturated cherry blossom perfume to hopefully cover the scent of alcohol. You sauntered to your seat and sank down with all your weight, suddenly exhausted. You’d made it with just five minutes tainting your record of attendance. The teacher greeted you with a disappointed sigh, and thus, the day began. 

But, it was so hard to focus. All you could think about was Nathan. 

“Alright class, who can tell me,” A board stick clacks against the chalkboard. “Who can answer problem four?” 

You lowered your head. 

“Ah, how about, ___?”

You snaked back into reality, blinking up at the chalk board that was somehow already riddled with math equations. Since you hadn’t been paying attention even in the slightest, your mouth gaped wide open, eyes scanning for something you understood even slightly so you didn’t look like a total idiot. 

Sadly, you were out of luck. The teacher shook his head. “I’m shocked,” He said. “You're normally so on top of things. Oh well.”

“Oh, I’m sure she was on top of things,” A female voice sniggered behind you “Last night.”

Your face flushed a red, hot, ruby. What the hell was she talking about? How had they found out you were with Nathan? You were so sure of being sneaky, there was no way-

“Her and Tate totally got it on last night.”

You whipped around in your seat, facing girls who looked to be clones of some sort. Both with the same dark eyes, short brown hair, and freckles. “What?”

“Alright-” Your teacher blurted. “That's enough. April, May, enough. Let’s not discuss things outside of the classroom.”

The two girls batted their eyes. “Sorry sir.” One spoke, twirling a hand through her hair. Her sister's wide toothy grin never fumbled. 

“Back to it then. Kate, can you help out __ with number four?” 

The small, blonde girl nodded quickly, brushing a lock of hair behind her eyes and offering an empathic nod. 

As you turned around in your seat, her answer fell on deaf ears. Your heart was racing in your chest, hands balled into fists while you stared ahead blankly.  

They couldn’t seriously think that you chose to leave with Tate, could they? Surely someone must have seen the state you were in. Someone other than Nathan.

The clock ticks forward but time feels like it's passing almost unnaturally slow. With just 10 minutes left, you feel your phone vibrate in your pocket.

‘Nathan: consider ur favor officially returned 

Your tongue poked from your lips, the tiniest of smiles taking over your once sullen features. Terrible thoughts and worries flew out the window while you type back, ‘damn. here i was gonna to ask you to do a backflip off the roof with me. there goes my plans.’

Nathan types for a moment. Typing, stopping, typing again. 

‘Nathan: soundz like a blast. where and when?’

A small blush heats your cheeks. ‘very funny. thanks to last night i have an entire 24 hour session of studying to catch up with.’

His response is almost instant. ‘Nathan: boringgg. txt me when ur fun.’

Rolling your eyes, you shove your phone back into your pocket. It seems you’ve been able to secure enough of a friendship with him for some mindless banter even outside your little visits. You smile. He’s… Fun to talk to. Surprisingly. 

Class comes to an end and you start to pack up the books and papers you’d hardly even glanced at the whole period. Whatever had been upsetting you before is lost in your mind while you think of the morning, the night before. All the things in-between. But, your happiness doesn’t last long. As you get up, you’re almost forced right back into your seat as a weight shoves into your shoulder. Your books scatter to the floor. April, the one who’d remarked about you earlier, glares at you in what looks to be disgust. 

“Careful April,” Her sister hums as she saunters past you, keeping distance and raising her already shrill tone of voice. “Might wanna watch where you’re walking- I’d hate for you to catch something from this slut.”

You absolutely gawk at her. “What the fuck did you just say to me?”

April scoffs. “Oh come on, like everyone doesn’t know what you were up to last night.”

“Sleeping around isn’t a good color on you.” May hikes her bag over her shoulder and snickers at you. They both leave the class together, sickeningly in sync. You’re left stunned where you stand, unsure how the hell your life came to this so quickly. How you’ve stooped so low that the daughters of the world's most uncreative parents are able to bully you based on something that didn’t even happen.

Next class goes no better. The person to your right, a jockey looking brunette guy, asks, ‘have you ever heard of a Tate?’. You say no, that that’s the dumbest name you’ve ever heard. The idiot grins and goes back to marking down likely wrong answers on his test sheet and you debate kicking the leg of his chair out- but you don’t to avoid even more eyes on you. It makes you sick to your stomach- even more than recovering from the roofies does. How can everyone believe it? You barely even knew the guy and you were clearly uncomfortable with his advances. No one saw that? 

After everything you’d worked for to build a reputation, trying so hard to not call out peoples shit for the sake of seeming friendly, tainted over something that didn’t even happen? And the kicker was that it hadn’t even been your fault! He’d drugged you, he’d have taken advantage of you! Yet you were the bad person? 

Class came and went in the blink of an eye this time. Your mind wrapped up in the situation, your stomach churning. You wanted the day to be over with but you still had 4 more classes to suffer through. Why was this happening to you? Was Tate being treated just as horribly, or was he getting pats on the backs of his unaware friends?

Wandering down the halls to your locker, you noticed Lance and Kaz hanging around one of the drinking fountains. Your nerves quelled- your friends would surely make you feel much better. Especially since they had witnessed how awful you were feeling as you left. You approach with a relieved smile, ready to say your truth and finally have someone on your side.

“Hey guys.” You smile, but Lance looks down at his feet while Kaz places her hands to his hips. Your smile fades.

“You could have told us you were gonna spend the night with Tate,” Kaz snaps. “You didn’t need to lie like that just to leave. We were all worried about you and it was for nothing.”

“What?” You feel like you could cry. “No, Kaz, I really did try to leave. Tate tried to drug me and take me home, and-”

“He wouldn’t do that.” Lance interrupts, with a frown. He looks back down at the floor with knitted brows. “I’ve known Tate since before time. He wouldn't do something like that, especially not to one of my best friends. Plus he told me he was really into you. Why would he even try?”

“Are you serious?” You sputter. “You think I’d lie about something like that?”

“You’ve been lying about all sorts of things!” Kaz huffs. “What’s going on with you lately? You’ve been so distant, and secretive. What are you hiding that’s making you lie like this? We’re supposed to be your friends and then you lie to our faces just to go and fuck the first guy that shows you attention.”

“What…?” It was like acid. It was like the rug had been pulled from your feet sending you spiraling down the unending cliff. Kaz, your best friend, all that venom. How could they turn against you like this? What the hell is going on? You felt your throat tighten. “Look, I’m sorry if I’ve been distant, but I’m not lying to you, I-”

“We gotta go.” Lance isn’t in the mood to hear it. “We’ll catch up to you.. Some other time.”

Kaz says nothing as she pushes past you. Lance, at least, spares a short glance over his shoulder. You stood there alone in the hallway, your bag falling off your shoulder and clattering onto the floor with a thud echoing off the walls. Everything you had, all gone at once. 

No one believed you.

---------

With nowhere to go where you felt like you could truly allow yourself to process the day's events, you went to the only place you knew. 

Just outside of campus, where rocks lined the edge of the boundary, overlooking the outskirts of the town and the ocean stretching as far as the eye could see. You settled yourself there, staring at the vast waters and wondering how this had all happened. Unlucky didn’t even begin to cover how it felt. Not only did you feel violated with Tate attempting to do unthinkable things with your unconscious body, but you also felt alone, and walked on. Your best friends hadn’t believed you. While Lance seemed saddened, Kaz was so… Angry. Her words cut like knives into your skin. 

It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair. You didn’t deserve this.

You want to talk to Nathan, but knowing him, he’d see your state and bounce instantly. After all, this isn’t exactly very fun of you.

As the sun began to fall, splaying orange and blues over the wide open sky, behind you, you could hear voices. A group of them, some male, some female. Memories of when your notebook had gotten snatched by those two horsed face assholes came flooding back and with all your alertness, you stood up, and decided that this sitting place was no longer safe. Nothing was.

Before you even made it ten feet away, the group had found their way to your spot and gotten comfortable, one of the girls cheering, ‘this’ll be our hangout! look at how pretty the view is!’

You took a short drive down the stretches of road and decided that if you were going to lament in your own sadness, you were at least going to do so in a place that had something to cover the sound of your tears. Plus a nice view.

The beach, littered with its picnic tables and the sounds of crashing waves would suffice just fine. So, you pulled in the desolate parking lot and wandered down the sandy shores until you stumbled upon a picnic table shaded by a large willow cascading lushious branches to block out the sun- a perfect canopy for you to wallow under. 

You had nothing at that moment. No friends, no reputation, no one to believe your tragic tale. And now, you’d just lost the one spot that made you feel comfortable when stress was building into your body like concrete. Tears pricked into the corners of your eyes and you bit your lip, dreading that feeling of a lump in your throat. Why you? Everything had been going so well. How could not even a single person believe that Tate had tried to hurt you?

Well, actually, there was one person.

Of course Nathan believed you. He’d been the one to rescue you, after all. Time and time again it seemed.  How was it that even the ones closest to you would turn their back so fast, yet Nathan seemed to be there even when you didn’t want him to be? Even when you yelled at him, and he yelled right back, fire and sparks falling into embers around the two of you. 

In that moment, you almost felt like you could finally relate to him. A reputation based on lies and things out of your control, paired with a hardheaded attitude to try and combat all the assumptions. 

No wonder he was so angry. 

“Hey bitch,” A voice suddenly called, and you had a split second moment where you were terrified of once again being the victim of a cruel prank or some classmates boredom. “How about next time you have a pity party you don’t fucking call me in the middle of it.”

You blinked away your tears and through the blurriness saw a figure coming towards you. All that sass, the tone...

“Nathan?” You breathed. It only takes moments before he’s in front of you, holding his phone in view, seeing that the call that had been running for nearly ten minute. You flush in embarrassment, pulling your phone from your back pocket. “How did that happen?”

“Well, can your ass dial numbers?” He taunts, ending the call. 

“Damn it, dumb phone must have butt-dialed you. I knew I should’ve gotten a different one.” You mentally kick yourself. “It must have unlocked in my pocket.”

“You don’t have a password on your phone?” He taunts. When you shake your head, he whistles. “You are just begging for a robbery. I’ll keep that in mind when I’m in the mood to send random messages to all your buddies.” 

“Fuck off.” You scowl, and he grins, hopping up on the picnic table next to you. The sun flatters his skin. He’s almost glowing. 

“Speaking of buddies, how the hell did it pick my number out of your sea of friends?”

You shrug. “Probably cuz’ it’s a priority contact.” 

“Oh lala, I’ve been upgraded to priority huh? Does it display a superman logo whenever you give it a ring?”

“Nope. When I press call it rings the nearest asshole in my vicinity. The fact that it’s you is your own problem.”

“Haha, fucking ha.” He leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees. He stares out at the water, watching waves pull and crash onto the beach. It’s almost beautiful, until he ruins it. “Yknow, you’re a really ugly crier.”

“Wow, thanks.” You shake your head. “That's exactly what I needed to hear right now. Why did you even stay on the line?.” Wiping your eyes, you start to forget your tears. “Couldn’t have been that wild of a conversation.”

Nathan shrugs. “Between the crying and the sound of the waves it was pretty nice.” He grins. “Very educational.” 

“Awesome. Glad I was able to make your day.” It doesn’t feel like your usual bitey remarks. You’re tired, you’re still a little hurt and you can’t stop thinking about how such an amazing morning had turned into such a horrible day.

“So what’s got you all fucked up? Never seen you act like this big of a baby before.”

“Nothing. You already paid off your debt to me per this morning, so feel free to resume our regularly scheduled mutual hatred.” You say, lying through your teeth. You know you’re both past the point of hatred, but you’re feeling jaded, you can’t help it. 

“Oh shut the fuck up,” He groans. “I didn’t drag my ass all the fucking way out to this shit hole of a beach just for you to give me that bullshit. What, did you fail a test? No one matched you on tinder?”

“Everyone thinks me and Tate slept together last night.” You blurt. “I think he’s telling people me and him had sex.”

Nathan tenses his shoulders and grimaces. “Fucking werido.”

“I told my best friends that he tried to take advantage of me and they don’t believe me. One of em’ even said he wouldn’t do something like that.”

“Fuck em’. Who needs best friends.”

“And to make everything so much better, these two bitches that I share four of my classes with harassed me all goddamn day. I mean, fucks sake, how the hell are girls named April and May of all things able to get to me. It’s bullshit. And to make matters worse, Tate is just… Getting away with it.”

“Yeah well, something tells me that Tate’s gonna get a real nice fucking taste of medicine eventually. I just gotta find him first. He’s got a lot of nerve spreading shit around given I knocked his ass onto the pavement.” Nathan brows knit at the memory.

You test the waters. “Why would you do that for me?”

He seems caught off guard, or maybe, surprised that you’d ask. Maybe he thinks you’re both beyond that point. He grumbles, “Why does it matter.”

“I’m just curious. We don’t owe each other anything, remember?”

“Yeah, well,” He huffs. “Don’t ask me questions to shit I don’t know the answer to.”

“You say that an awful lot.” You tease.

“Yeah well you ask dumbass questions an awful lot. Not everything I do has to have some weird ass motives behind it, ___. Maybe I’ve got beef with Tate that’s outside of you.”

“Uhuh. Sure.” You’re about to say something else, when your phone lights up with a text. The display makes your heart fall all over again. 

Unknown Number: you should just pack up and go somewhere else. no one wants std’s from breathing your air xoxo

You don’t even know who that is. Now absolute strangers are on your case. You want to throw your phone into the ocean and leave.

Nathan scoffs. “Don’t even bat a fucking eye for that bitch, whoever the hell they are. Half the hoes you’ve mentioned have slept with half the football team,” he pinches his jacket, “and I would know.”

“Ew, Nathan,” You grimace, that same feeling from the morning returning. It feels, oddly, like jealousy.  He nudges your arm with his elbow and grins playfully. It’s cute.

“Chill, I’m just fucking with you. You gotta know even I wouldn’t fuck girls that desperate. I’m a man of class.”

That last comment actually forces a laugh from you. It’s soft, but it’s real. The first laugh you’ve genuinely had all day. “That’s horrible.” You remark, giggling again.

It's almost like the slight restoration of your mood puts him at ease as well. He leans back on his hands and stares off into the ocean, those sparkling waters under the setting, orange sun. “I’m for real though. Those hoes aren’t worth your time. One day when we blow this shithole of a town they’re not even gonna matter.”

Your brows knit, eyes blinking up at him. Had you heard that right? 

“We?” You ask, perplexed, albeit a little… Hopeful.

Nathan sputters. “Well- Like, when everyone’s older and-”

“You know what, it's fine.” You interrupt. “Fuck it. You’re right. We’re gonna blow this town and they’re just gonna be some shitty memories.”

He sucks in a shaky breath. You’ve never heard him scramble like that, like he’s been unmasked. The look he casts you when you agree, when you don’t tease or patronize and finally hop on the idea that yeah, what if the two of you really didn’t have to deal with it anymore.

What if the two of you could just exist, without the anger. 

You look up at him. “Would you actually do that though?” You start. “With me, of all people?”

He swallows. His expression is tense, but he’s not upset. He appears nervous, caught off guard. Nathan tries, “I-”

Your phone rings. Shrill, piercing. Mood destroying. 

“Jesus Christ, it’s my mom.” You grab your phone and Nathan looks forward, stone faced and silent as you hop off the table and answer. It’s your mother, who all but shouts into the phone that her and your father are taking a surprising visit to Arcadia Bay while they’re traveling by on their vacation. She insists that you be ready in about an hour for dinner, and likely there will be family photos. 

Which means if you still look as wrecked as you did this morning, you’re gonna have a lot of washing up to do. With a quick goodbye, a short and sweet, ‘love you’, you hang up and sigh. 

“You still tell your mom you love her?” He teases. “What are you, five?”

You frown. “You don’t tell your parents you love them?”

Nathan side eyes you, and just shrugs. It is all the answer you need, really, and for his sake you decide it wouldn’t be best to press the issue. Not now. But- it still makes your heart hurt just a little. You wished that he’d had it better growing up. 

“Right… Do you want a ride home?”

“Fuck no, what am I,” He shoves his hands into his pockets. “a fucking girl scout?” 

“I was just offering, weirdo.” When he doesn't get up, you feel like you’re missing out. Like if you stayed, maybe, just maybe, you’d get to know him a little better. “Hey, if you want, I can stay for a bit longer.”

He rolls his eyes. “You’re needed elsewhere. But,” he shrugs. “I don’t know. Fuckin’... Text me or something. Or not, I don’t care either way.”

There’s a small warmth in your chest that rises to your cheeks. He wants you to text him. “Yeah,” You say. “If I’m feeling fun.”

And with that, you bid him farewell, beginning your descent to the parking lot. 

“Hey,” He calls, and you turn just in time to catch a small item he’s tossed right at you. A tiny key resides in the palm of your hand. “Spare. If shit hits the fan again-...” He shrugs, and actually looks away. “Just don’t be too fucking loud of I’ll kick your ass out myself. No Madison needed.”

The widest grin plays over your lips. “I’m gonna re-decorate your room while you’re gone.”

“Ah, you fucking better not.” He shouts. “Actually- you know what, give it back.” 

“No, no! I’m sorry.” You play with the key between your fingers. “Thanks for this.”

“Yeah, whatever. Don’t lose it and remember- emergencies only. I don’t need you watching me sleep like fucking freak. We’re past that stage.” 

“How many times will I have to say I was never watching you. Christ… But, alright. See ya, then.” The key is heavy in your palm. 

You place it into your pocket and give him one last glance before you take off, leaving him to enjoy the sound of waves, birds, and the absence of your tears.

[frankendykes-monster]

I’d love to hear you elaborate on Texas Chainsaw Massacre wrt cosmic horror and cyberpunk. I see what you mean by the cyberpunk thing as the Sawyer family’s “methods” are something of a response to the increasing use of technology in American industries, but I’m not quite grasping the cosmic horror part and I like hearing your two cents

The cosmic horror comes in from the fact that cosmic horror deals with fears related to existentialism and reality itself warping around you.

An extremely overlooked aspect of the film is that over the pre-credits scene we're shown mutilated corpses but the radio report is informing us that "international jewel thieves" are responsible, not too long after that we have the unnamed drunk guy in the cemetery laughing his ass off with vague remarks over "what they don't tell you."

There's been a lot of riffing on horror films for having dumb protagonists, and at face value the five people we follow in this film fit the bill, but in context all their actions make perfect sense. They're all teenagers that were born in the 1950's, they got bombarded with TV sitcoms and Norman Rockwell paintings and shit, they have literally no context or idea of what the fuck is coming. They just casually walk into the house next door to their doom because they lived in a facade that your next door neighbor is of course there to help you.

The overall horror presented in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) is not "oh no there's a guy with a chainsaw and he killed all my friends and I barely escaped," its that the illusion of Americana has been broken and all the violence underneath has been exposed. Sally escapes at the end of the film but much like any other protagonist at the end of a cosmic horror story, her mind has been permanently destroyed, she can never return to a mindset or world view from before the events of the film; more specifically with regards to the themes of the film, she now knows how the sausage is made. She had the luxury of just driving past a slaughterhouse early on in the film and was able to dismiss the methodology with which cows inside are killed (her sanity is built on a foundation of secrets and lies), when it's over she's now known first hand what it is because for a short time she was the cow.

[adonis-koo]

tease

| 26 |

↳ Summary: You came with the intentions of your best friend landing a job as a stripper. You never meant to catch the eyes of the king stripper of the establishment- Jeon Jungkook, yourself. With what was supposed to be a harmless way of paying off college debt faster you find yourself falling into a very odd and passionate relationship with your new mentor. Between infidelity, passion and jealousy there’s never a dull moment at Cherry Bomb.

↳ Pairing: Stripper!Jungkook/Reader

↳ Genre: Smut, fluff, angst, drama, slice of life, relationship problems without the relationship, reader is such a shy baby protect her, MUTUAL pining, so much sexual frustration,  

Word Count: 11k

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Warning: This story touches on both sexual harassment and abuse, please read with caution if any of these things are triggers to you. Additional warnings will be given when a chapter present them.

Sweat beaded down his neck as he noticed the sun going down, shit if he didn’t start running faster he was going to be late…! Jungkook didn’t make any effort to stop by the two girls who had obviously been hoping to talk to him. He didn’t have time for that, not when he just got this next round of pay. 

Pausing at the cracked pavement of the apartment building he took a deep breath, wiping the sweat from his brow before calming himself down, inner excitement buzzing inside him as he felt accomplished. Five hundred, that was the number he had made this week. Five hundred, that would be enough for food…! Or- or maybe they could squeeze rent in with it too!

Jungkook felt giddy as passed by the dead brush of old flowers, the paint chipping off the side of the wall by the front door just as it always did, vaguely he could remember when his mom complained about never living somewhere nice.

Maybe this wasn’t an upper-class suburban neighborhood, but it was home. Opening the front door Jungkook paused, feeling a little leery at the sight of empty bottles on the table, his dad couldn’t have been home already, right? Jisoo was curled up on the couch, eyes meekly flickering to meet Jungkook’s before quirking into a little smile of greeting before letting her gaze drop back to her homework, “Mom’s in her room, haven’t seen her since I got home.”

Jungkook pressed his brows together in confusion, usually, she was a little more chipper than that, “Oh…” he breathed out before letting his shoulders slump a little, “Alright, I’m gonna go talk to her for a few minutes, do you need help with your homework?” He paused at the entry kitchen where the small circle table sat, takeout boxes piled up and the occasional pizza box underneath, he should really take the time to try and clean up.

Jisoo’s gaze flickered between her brother and her homework as she nibbled against her lip, “...You don’t have to help me Jungkook…” She felt guilty, he could tell instantly. 

Jungkook’s expression twisted a little more stern as he replied, “If I don’t then who will Jisoo?” He cut himself off abruptly as a thick silence hung in the air, Jisoo refused to look at him as she fiddled with her pencil, something she always did when she was nervous. Sighing he ran a hand through his hair, not wanting to scare her though it still disheartened him that she really thought of him like that, “I know I don’t Jisoo, But I don’t mind, okay? Let me just go talk to mom then I’ll be out in a moment to help.” 

She only nodded before letting out a soft sigh, curling up against the pillow she had hugged before Jungkook walked into the kitchen, the door ahead closed and it seemed like the lights were turned off, softly knocking Jungkook heard a crash inside as he opened the door, the TV playing in the pitch-black room where the curtains had been closed.

“Mom?” Jungkook furrowed his brows as she wobbly stood up, the cigarette she wasn’t supposed to be smoking in the house pinched between two of her fingers as she struggled to stand up properly, “Kookie…!” Her voice enthusiastic yet somewhat confused, her brows squeezed together as if she struggled to see him, “When did you get home?” She fumbled around the bed as he coughed, waving the cigarette smoke she had blown in his face on accident out of the way.

“I...I just got home mom, look I know it’s been hard with dad but….” He scratched his neck, feeling a little apprehensive before pulling the thick wad of cash out of his pocket, “I wanted to help out so…! Here, maybe…maybe me, you and Jisoo can go to the store and…!” He felt proud of himself at his mom's eyes lighting up quickly snatching the money from his hands, “Maybe we could get a few new sets of clothes or….mom?” He paused as she finished counting the money with an exasperated sigh as if inconvenienced. 

“You couldn’t have gotten another hundred?” His mom complained, her face saying that this was absolutely not enough, Jungkook felt his lips part, fumbling but no words came out as he felt his previous excitement begin to deflate.

It...it wasn’t good enough…? 

“Jungkook I would have thought you’d be more useful than this,” She sighed as she turned her back, annoyance filtering her features as she waved a dismissive hand, “I should’ve anticipated this though, I can never count on you to be enough when I need it. Go help your sister with her shit.” 

She puffed from her cigarette once more as Jungkook felt the frustrated anger quell in him, stiff in place as he felt the urge to swallow the hard rock that was suddenly stuck in his throat, his mom turned around as her scorned expression furrowed, “Are you deaf in the head? Get the fuck out of here and go do something useful. God you’re so fucking needy.” 

Jungkook had made sure to slam the door on his way out, running a hand through his hair as he felt the anger seethe through his veins, why was it never enough? All he wanted was to help! To be validated and good enough for his mother? Growling he hadn’t even registered when his fist slammed into the wall, again….and again...and again. 

His fist throbbed in sharp pain and it was already becoming swollen as blood trickled against the floor. Jisoo didn’t have the nerve to ask when she carefully wrapped his hand. 

….

Memories like those were the most prominent, especially after triggering situations such as just a few hours ago in which Jungkook and you had experienced a near kidnapping. The ride home had been painfully silent and it wasn’t until in the shower that you had broken down crying and continued until you could no longer keep yourself awake. 

Jungkook however, wasn’t tired at all, the opposite in fact, his eyes had been staring blankly at the ceiling for the last two hours, his mind filtering memories and briefly wondering, where had he gone wrong in his life? You were curled up against him, your body relaxed and your face buried against his side. 

With you sound asleep, Jungkook didn’t feel the obligation to hold a pleasant expression, and thus his bitter glare at the dirty white ceiling you had commented on painting one day. Where did he go wrong? Was he really that terrible of a person, was he considered a pain in the ass as a child? 

In fact, Jungkook felt strongly when he was younger, about wishing he had never been born, so that he wouldn’t have had to endure such incredibly hurtful parents. Jungkook wanted nothing more than to cherish his mother’s love. His lips quivered a little, his top lip twitching a little at the angry gloss of tears in his eyes, he hated it. He hated that it still hurt him almost ten years later. 

Jungkook hated more than anything, the permanent stain it had left on his heart, the constant need to prove that he wasn’t needy, that he didn’t need anyone, that he didn’t need to rely on anyone. He bent over backwards and compromised more of himself then he possibly could, in hopes that one day, his mother would love him. 

It wasn’t that Jungkook regretted his decisions, he had made plenty of money that he kept to himself, hence buying his first car, he could get his sister new clothes and pay for her meals. But still...he just wished he hadn’t compromised so much of himself, for something he would never have been given, no matter how perfect he tried to be. 

When he first came to Seoul, Jungkook didn’t know who he was, or what he wanted to do. He had spent so much of his life, living day in and day out, hoping he could force himself into the role of perfect son that would somehow fix his dysfunctional life, to the point that when he had left it all. It left him completely devoid inside. And Jungkook supposed he did eventually find himself, somehow. 

….

Purified sugar and there had to be some kind of strain of acidic flavor in the energy drink Jungkook had just finished chugging, it was his third one tonight and he had just finished his shift. His coworker coming in looking buzzed on something that was definitely not alcohol. 

“Psst- hey Jungkook,” He frowned as he turned to the male, raising a brow as he silently inspected the guys pupils that were widened like saucers, “You want some of this shit before you go? Hits different.” 

Jungkook’s nose wrinkled a little as he watched the guy pull the plastic bag from his coat, pure white powder inside as he offered a weak smile, “No thanks man, have a...good shift.” He offered, not in the least bit interested in that. 

Jungkook had watched his dad drain his whole life away with drugs, he was not about to do the same thing. Pushing his hands into his sweatshirt as he pushed the backdoor to the convenient store open. Life was shitty, but at least he was by himself, alone, and able to do what he wanted. The motel was a pretty far walk and these parts of Seoul weren’t the hottest but hey, it was a pretty lively area. Groaning Jungkook pulled up his hood, keeping his head low as he began to weave through alleyways as a shortcut to the motel, he was making, barely enough money to pay for it with the discount of ramen but admittedly...his stomach ached and growled in need of substance that he was beginning to get tired of living on. Was the rest of his life going to be this bleak? 

Jungkook had debated on enrolling for college but it seemed like a bad idea and a lot of debt he couldn’t afford to get into when he was barely putting a roof over his head. The idea of being an escort didn’t sound horrible but…

His lips twitched. No, he wasn’t going back to that. It was still too fresh in his head and he couldn’t handle anymore predatory older women preying on him. Ah great, his clothes were practically soaked to the bone. He’d need to find a day job at least to start saving money for actual food- take out at least and new clothes. 

Jungkook hadn’t even realized where he was walking until he smashed into someone, he didn’t mind it much but to be fair he was on the giving end, the guy taking a tumble before he growled, “Hey fuckin’ watch where you’re going kid.” Jungkook kept his head low, knowing damn well it was too late and he was too hungry for this shit. 

He just wanted to get out of the cold rain before he got sick, “Look! Little fucker thinks he’s better than us!” The friend called out, walking up as he got in Jungkook’s face as he followed beside him, “Hey shithead, you ran into my friend! I think that warrants an apology!” 

Jungkook paused, lifting his chin a little as he closed his eyes in exasperation, these guys were really fucking annoying, they both began cackling at his reaction as he turned to face them both, “Fuck off.” Jungkook could hardly contain the words tumbling from his lips, this wasn’t a good start given it was a 2v1 here. 

“Ooh, little man thinks he’s a badass.” The friend mockingly awed out before Jungkook was suddenly shoved, “Because you’re so rude to your elders, I think you should give us money as compensation for not beating your ass.” 

Compensation? In what world? 

Jungkook scoffed, a smirk coiling on his lips as he cocked his head into an annoying cocky expression, “The only compensation you’ll get is having the luxury of kissing my ass.” Knowing this totally wasn’t in his favor he suddenly shoved the first guy which made him slam into his friend before he booked it down the alleyway. 

Heavy footsteps pounded on the pavement following after him, making his way out of the alleyway he made a sharp right but didn’t make it two feet before he slammed into multiple bodies, “Out of the way assholes! He’s dead meat!” Jungkook scurried behind the two men who didn’t budge an inch. 

They were around his height and yet...they both definitely went to the gym, “Ew, they look like hetros.” The one on the right said as he wrinkled his nose, he held an umbrella that shielded his friend and Jungkook as well who leered, looking ready to run again if needed, “What are you doing over there idiot?” He twisted around and Jungkook was somewhat taken aback at how stunning this man was...was he a model? 

More importantly his brows furrowed in confusion, he knew neither of these guys, why did they act like they knew him? The man spoke once more as he looked at Jungkook as if he knew him well, “Got into trouble, again?” 

The man on the left spoke up as he tutted, “Sorry for our friend, he’s young and doesn’t know any better. Ah...It would be best if you just go…” His voice was methodical and smooth. He was a little taller than Jungkook and the other man, a pleasant yet tense smile on his face. 

The two guys looked at one another before glaring at Jungkook once more, who only let a snide smile appear on his face as the two grumbled their apologies, even giving a short bow before slinking back into the depths of the alleyway. 

Both the men turned around, the one on the right who looked like a model snorted, “You know this kid?” 

“Nope.” The other one said as he shrugged. 

Jungkook could only look between the two men, suddenly stricken with gratitude at the realization that, despite not even knowing who Jungkook was, they stuck their necks out for him to get these guys away. He looked a little doe eyed before he offered a boyish smile as he bowed, “Wow you guys really saved my ass! Hey uh-” Jungkook couldn’t put his finger on why, but he wanted to get to know these two better, “I can make it up to you! I could buy drinks!” 

“No!” The model immediately rejected, his hand on his mouth as his nose wrinkled, “I mean your welcome but hard pass, i’ve already drunk twice my weight in liquor for the night.” He winced a little as if trying not to gag. 

Jungkook frowned as he rubbed his head...oh...okay…? He turned to the other man, suddenly feeling a bit odd at the way this guy was staring at him. It wasn’t creepy or as if he had ulterior motives, but it was as if...he was evaluating him. Jungkook felt a bit uneasy and at this notice the man offered a weak smile, “Say, if you’re struggling for money, get off work early and come back here tomorrow kid. You’d be a hot take here. Come on Seok let’s go.” 

The other man shrugged before they walked away leaving Jungkook thoroughly confused and somewhat dazed as rain began to pour back over him again. Puzzled, he turned to face the building the two men had exited from. 

Cherry Bomb. Huh, interesting.

...

The thought of those two men lingered in Jungkook’s mind the whole day as he debated on what to do and in the end, he figured, what the hell? Why not just go for it and see, he was a bit leery admittedly at the man's words about making money. Last time he did that, he became an underage escort and a drug runner. 

His nose wrinkled as he carefully made his way through the alleyway, careful to not run into anyone this time. It was two in the morning and he figured, this would be early enough, right? Unless...No he’d give it a try! 

Jungkook nodded in determination as he stood in front of the bright neon red sign with the words Cherry Bomb plastered on it, what even was this place anyways? He paused at the two bouncers out front, checking ID’s as he got his ready, showing it before they nodded and let him inside. 

Jungkook had expected a lot of things, what he didn’t expect was the foggy atmosphere, cherry red neon lights, tables packed with people and screams of cheers. Making his way through the crowd his nose wrinkled a little before he got a good look at the large stage, thinner in the middle and circled out on the sides. 

His lips immediately parted at the sight of...naked women...dancing...wrapped around poles. His ears were burning as he frantically looked away, feeling like he was intruding on a private event before his hormones got the best of him. His eyes looked back at the stage where the woman kept swaying her hips as she parted her legs. Her tits were perked and her thong left little to the imagination and…

Jungkook tensed at the sudden feeling of arousal shooting down below, his cock throbbing against his jeans as he awkwardly shifted. What the fuck was he supposed to do with this...was he even in the right place…? 

But...if he wasn’t...wouldn’t they have been more specific…? Jungkook peered around, feeling a little hesitant as he scanned the crowd before...Oh! Oh there he was! Jungkook shuffled through the crowd as he found the man at the bar, laughing with the bartender before they met eyes, “Oh good! I was wondering if the environment would scare you off,” He laughed, “You look like a boy coming of age.” 

“..I…” Jungkook paused, not used to this type of talk being so...free, feeling apprehensive he asked the only question he could think of, “What is this place?”

The guy snorted, looking amused as he spoke, “A strip club…? Hey how old are you?” 

“Twenty…” Jungkook replied, a little reluctant as the man laughed, almost endeared as he squared his shoulders a little, he wasn’t a kid! He just...had never...Jungkook felt his ears burn as his eyes narrowed, sex wasn’t everything! 

“Okay good! That means you’re legal!” He wiped a non existent sweat off his brow as he offered a dimpled smile, “I’m Kim Namjoon,” He nodded in greeting, “I work here as a Soloist.” Jungkook’s lips parted a little as he looked at Namjoon before at the stage, “Yeah, I’m a stripper.” 

A male stripper? Jungkook had never heard of such a thing before as he furrowed his brows before he connected the dots, suddenly bursting out laughing as he sat in a seat, “You think I would be a stripper!?” 

Namjoon lifted a hand as he spoke, “I mean, you showed up didn’t you?” Jungkook paused as Namjoon smiled cunningly, “Mhm, listen, I get it. Everyone’s a little reserved when they first get in the business but, we have it good here at Cherry Bomb.” 

“...I’m not a stripper,” Jungkook’s nose wrinkled a little, looking at his knuckles before up to the bartender that was busy serving several other customers, “I’m not even experienced-” 

“Pause,” Namjoon cut him off as he looked at him in wariness, “That’s what’s good about Cherry, we accept people with zero experience. They’re called trainee’s, which means they have an experienced stripper show them the ropes of how everything works.” 

Jungkook didn’t speak for a moment, as he swiveled his chair around, looking out at the stage where girls were dancing as raunchy as possible but...his eyes landed on the money that was flying...that had to be fifty, “....And you want me as what…? A trainee?” 

Namjoon smiled patiently, “Pretty much, I’m particular in who I train but, you have the face for the job. I feel like you'd generate a lot of profit. For yourself and Cherry.” This was where Jungkook frowned, wariness filling him once more. Profit for Cherry Bomb...He couldn’t shake the feeling that, this seemed too good to be true…”So what’s the catch?” Namjoon tilted his head as Jungkook spoke, “What’s the catch, where’s the draw back? This can’t just be me flashing everyone my dick and getting paid for it.” 

“Right…” Namjoon smiled a little as he curved a brow, “You won’t, salary is cheap because technically our tips make up for it. But starting out as a trainee means nobody knows you and, nobody is going to throw money at you.” Jungkook tilted his head a little, “See we have a hierarchy here. First we have bottom feeders, trainee’s, they’re new, they’re awkward, nobody knows them and nobody wants to give them money when something better waits. Then there’s fillers, those girls up there who dance between the main shows, which are soloist’s who dance by themselves. They’re what everyone is waiting for.” 

Jungkook frowned, “So unless you’re the main attraction there’s no point in dancing.” Then why bother with this place, weren’t most strip clubs self employed anyways? Why be a bottom feeder here when you had greater success somewhere else? It didn’t sound appealing to Jungkook. 

“Because,” Namjoon chuckled as the stage went dark before the lights turned on, Jungkook immediately recognized it as the male he met last night, “Everyone likes a big ego and an even bigger wallet.” He hadn’t even started dancing and money was already being piled onto the stage. 

Jungkook couldn’t help but watch in awe at the way he kept a crowd which, surprisingly held many females who all gushed and screamed for him, the power he held in his performance and all the money that floated down on him as he swung around the pole. Jungkook was...interested. And besides, what’s the worst that could happen with this place?

“Alright,” Jungkook leaned back in his seat as he looked at Namjoon, a cocky look in his eyes as he smirked, “I’m willing to talk.” 

----

That was a turning point in Jungkook’s life. He stretched out a little, careful not to move too much as he didn’t want to wake you, you had shifted with a little yawn before your face pressed back against him. His lips ghosted into a smile as he looked down at you, his hand tethering gently against the back of your neck as you curled against his touch, you were just too cute. 

For a moment everything was okay before he frowned once more, no matter what you said, it was his fault you were put in the position you were, if he had just...Jungkook silently groaned in frustration, he had lived his whole life like this. 

It wasn’t anything he wasn’t used to. 

But it frustrated him to no end, he could’ve done a lot of things in his life differently but he didn’t. And now you were having to deal with all of his baggage he had secretly hoped he could bury with time. But this situation was just a bitter reminder that no matter how fast Jungkook ran, the past would always catch up. 

….

“Mmm fuck, that’s it you little slut.” Sweat beaded against the back of Jungkook’s neck, the tight space of the bathroom stall making his body heat radiate and his skin flush as a low moan escaped him. His hand fisted into the girl's hair, her lips eagerly wrapped around his cock as she bobbed her head against it. 

Jungkook’s brows creased as he guided her movements, her cheeks hollowing before carefully taking him down her throat as he hissed, “Fuck, I bet you like choking on cock don’t you baby? Such a slutty brat.” He growled, forcing her head still before sharply snapping his hips into her mouth, his orgasm was so fucking close. 

She was gagging and clawing against his thighs as gurgled whines escaped her, her little throat tightening around his cock making him let out a long moan as he rutted one last into her mouth, his cum warm and thick as it slid down her throat. 

Jungkook needed a moment to recover before pulling himself from her mouth, heaving in breaths as he rasped, “Jesus….thanks.” 

The girl- Yuna stood up as she wiped her lips, a bright smile adorning them as she laughed, “My pleasure, you should probably go talk to Namjoon though, as nice as your dick is it’s not why I came to get you.” 

Tucking himself away Jungkook glanced up at her as he gave a half smirk, though it seemed more like a lopsided smile, “I didn’t hear you complaining. I’ll go talk to him. Did he say what he wanted?” Namjoon, his mentor, was always on the more relaxed end of Soloist’s, not quite having the energy to debate with Jungkook. 

“Mmm dunno,” Yuna shrugged as she opened the stall, fixing her hair as best she could before rubbing her eyes, taking a quick look into the mirror to make sure she was somewhat decent, “You said you weren’t into degradation last time we fucked.” She raised a brow in curiosity as she glanced at him in the mirror.

Jungkook paused, running a hand through his hair as he looked away briefly. He did say that beforehand, trying to degrade a girl just felt….wrong...It almost always made him feel like an asshole and for the longest time he never saw the appeal. Jungkook shrugged as he replied, “Well, one of the girls I slept with was really...like really into it, and she explained that everything was consented and that if she had a problem with anything I called her she’d tell me. I wasn’t really into it at first but if it’s what she wanted,” He shrugged once more as Yuna turned around, tilting her head, “But after seeing how much it turned her on, and how weak she got anytime I called her a slut...It was kinda hot.”

Jungkook’s brows pressed together in thought, it was weird but, if the girl was okay with it then, that made it okay, right? He still felt somewhat at war with himself, maybe he should’ve asked Yuna? Even if she was the one that was practically begging him to call her a whore to begin with, but still. 

Yuna gave him a smile as she opened the door waving him out as he followed her, “You’re telling me all I needed to do was give you an educational lesson in BDSM? You’re so innocent Jungkook.” He glared at her as she laughed holding up her hands, “I’m just saying, you’re a natural in bed but you just always seem to...hold back…” 

Walking out of the hallway the main floor of Cherry Bomb was packed as always in the morning, girls going over their routines, people conversing with one another, Jungkook had come to love it here, it wasn’t the nicest place, but it wasn’t like he grew up living a nice life, “Well,” He huffed as his memories of his earlier experience when it came to sex flashing through his mind, “It’s not like I was with someone my age willing to guide me through it.” 

He immediately regretted his words, mentally chiding himself at saying too much as Yuna furrowed her brows, glancing up at him as she frowned. He was thankful she didn’t seem to say anything on the matter though, maybe knowing it wasn’t a good idea. 

“Well regardless, I’m proud of you.” Yuna patted his back as he rolled his eyes, leave it to her to keep things surface level before flashing him a grin and parting ways. Jungkook’s eyes scanned over the room, clacking his tongue as he sighed, Namjoon was probably in the soloist room if he wasn’t out here.

Making his way back down the hallway he pushed the door of the room open, glancing up at the small stage where Seokjin was working with Rose, “Done with your quick fuck already Jungkookie?” 

Jungkook’s shoulders tensed and his gaze deathened as they landed on the insufferable figure that stood ahead, freshly dyed platinum silver hair that covered thick bushy brows, the smirk crept on none other then Kim Taehyung’s face, what a fucking tool, “At least I can get my dick sucked without having to beg people to do it.” 

Taehyung snorted as he curved a brow, running his fingers through his hair as he replied, “Sorry what was that? Couldn’t hear you over being Cherry Bomb’s Playboy, girls would be fighting to the death to suck what I got.” 

Jungkook gritted his teeth as he rolled his eyes, refraining from rearranging that pretty face of Taehyung’s, he didn’t give a shit if he had only been working there for two weeks when Taehyung won SSU he still thought it wasn’t deserved. Taehyung was conceited garbage beneath Jungkook’s feet. He wasn’t going to groval over him just because he was a soloist now.

“Jungkook,” Namjoon sighed, curving a brow as he glanced between the two rivals before rolling his eyes, “Come on, over here.” He waved over his trainee who gritted his teeth before reluctantly walking over.

Jungkook raised his brows in question, not understanding why his mentor wanted him, most days he wasn’t even really training with Namjoon anymore, it had been almost a year of him working here and Jungkook personally thought becoming a filler would be easier than this. Training for over a year was just so ridiculous though, he was used to stripping, he could spend the whole night with girls at a table. And yet these people still treated him like he was a trainee, just because of the title. 

“Look I need you to be on your best behavior tonight okay?” Jungkook pulled up a chair as he sat across from Namjoon at the small table as he curved a brow, “Seasonella’s reps are coming tonight to choose and you’re definitely going to get onto the list if you put on a good show. But, I wouldn’t blame you if you want to take tonight off.” 

Jungkook was like a toddler beaming, he didn’t know all the ends and outs of Seasonella, but he knew it was guaranteed to be promoted from trainee to filler, hell, maybe even...He dismissed the idea, the last thing he needed was to get ahead of himself, “Why would I do that?” Jungkook scoffed, a cocky smirk on his face as he continued, “You know how I feel about still being a trainee. If I have even the slightest chance of climbing up from this shitfest I’ll take it.” 

Namjoon grimaced a little, of course his trainee was stubborn hard headed ass, sighing he ran a hand through his hair before replying, “We don’t just strip there Jungkook. We’re treated as prostitutes as well, I don’t know what the deal is but they make it like we have a choice when we don’t. It’s...not really pleasant.” 

Jungkook didn’t think much about his words, only snorting as he lifted his chin in that cocky manner he always had, “So I’ll get paid to not only strip but to fuck too? Where’s the loss in that?” This sounded like a pretty good gig in his opinion, what were the drawbacks supposed to be?

Namjoon shook his head as he sighed, figuring this would probably be the kid's reaction despite coming from a rough background himself, he had hoped, Jungkook would exercise a little more caution than he was. But then again Namjoon also understood that he was young and immature. 

“Nevermind. Regardless, if you want to go you need to be on your best behavior and…” Namjoon looked away somewhat wryly, “Don’t....don’t piss anyone off tonight, last thing I need is for you to try to knock the client's son’s teeth out.” Jungkook only puffed his chest proudly as he leaned his weight back and he shoved his hands into his pocket. 

“Deal.” 

…

Jungkook felt the urge to laugh at how stupid he had been, how arrogant and immature his actions were to not heed Namjoon’s warning. It’s why he couldn’t be upset with you. He was even worse than you his first year at Seasonella. True he didn’t go as far as shut it down, but then again, Eva didn’t waste time in digging up his whole past and dangling it over his head to keep him coming. 

But if he heeded the warning then- he cut himself off, what was the point in always thinking this way? Admittedly, it was getting tiring to beat himself up constantly, to wish for things to be different when they weren’t. 

Jungkook, just wanted to put everything behind him, and start fresh. He had friends who he considered his family and….well he had you. His eyes flickered to your figure that wiggled a little to get comfortable before stilling once more. Sighing he shook his head, he almost lost you last night. Or you almost lost him. 

He couldn’t live the rest of his life like this, he couldn’t. 

….

“So...are you um…” 

Jungkook leaned back against the headboard, running a hand through his sweat ridden hair, his muscles admittedly had been aching but it had been a great weekend honestly, what even was Namjoon talking about? He turned to face the girl he had been accompanying the whole week, Eva Friar. 

Jungkook felt a flow of ego filter him at the reminder, that’s right. For only being a trainee, he bagged the client’s daughter, she was just a year older than him and hey, she had money. And lots of it. By this point Jungkook would be able to get that apartment near Gangnam like he had been hoping. 

“I’m taking it you’re single?” Eva squeaked out, a shy smile on her face as she covered her nose with the blanket in an attempt to try and look cute. Jungkook curved a brow, single…? It hadn’t even crossed his mind honestly. 

Jungkook was neutral if not a little confused before he spoke, “...Yeah…? I mean, I doubt anyone would wanna date a guy like me.” He laughed a little despite it sounding tense- that came off more self-deprecating then he had wanted...But it was true and honestly...Jungkook couldn’t do love. 

Not right now at least, it was too soon and memories of home were too fresh. The only love he had ever been exposed to was well...It wasn’t love and...how was he supposed to express something he had never been given? 

“Oh?” Eva perked up, giggling a little as she fumbled to sit up, pulling the sheet against her chest despite Jungkook having already fucked her three times thus far today, “W-well that’s hard to believe! I mean, look at you!” 

Jungkook frowned a little, looking down at himself, true he had gotten a membership at the gym and he had obviously worked on his stroke game but...He was just...himself, “And…?” He asked as he furrowed his brows. 

“You’re the whole package Jungkook!” Eva exclaimed as she smiled brightly, “I- I mean...any girl would be lucky enough to date you…” She trailed off coyly as she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. 

“Really?” Jungkook cocked a brow, not sure if he actually believed her, Jungkook wouldn’t….exactly consider himself a catch, given...well literally everything outside his appearance. 

“Well I mean…” She shuffled a little closer to him as she fluttered her eyelashes, “How about you take me to dinner tonight and I’ll show you…” 

Jungkook immediately leered back. Dinner!? Where did him being a stripper here for the weekend, say he was taking her to dinner, he knew it was an invitation but....”No thanks,” He offered a semi awkward smile, “I...I’m not really into relationships…” 

“O-oh…”

Great now he felt like an ass. Jungkook tried to recover as he forced a laugh that admittedly sounded light, “Yeah! It's just...you know, being a stripper and all. It doesn’t mesh well with relationships. You understand yeah?” 

Eva’s lips trembled a little and Jungkook had a difficult time looking at her, god this girl was so pitiful, “No totally! Ha..ha. I’m gonna use the bathroom!” She suddenly fumbled and before Jungkook could say a word, she was gone. Collapsing back against the bedboard he groaned, god dammit. 

Jungkook wasn’t sure when he actually fell asleep, it was difficult telling, but what he did enjoy was waking up to you every single day now, you were already awake and on your laptop most likely doing something miscellaneous or maybe working on a art history project you had been putting off for the majority of the summer time. 

His lips briefly twisted in a small smile as he set his chin on his arms admiring your side profile as you had yet to realize he had woken up. Your brows furrowed a little and your lips pressed together before jutting out once more as you paused typing. 

Then your eyes met his, a sleepy smile on his face as he watched you huff a little embarrassed for no reason at all but simply just because, “Morning babygirl.” He spoke up, his voice a little raspy and dehydrated from the long night. 

Jungkook’s smile turned more affectionate as he watched a shy smile appear on your lips as your eyes trailed back to the laptop screen, “Morning.” You mumbled out as you began to type again, your expression looked a little clouded compared to most days and briefly Jungkook wondered why before it hit him what had happened, “I tried waking you up to help me with breakfast but you were out of it. So I figured I'd just wait for you to wake up.” 

Jungkook said nothing at first, rather he studied your focused expression with a little frown as an odd feeling set in his stomach at how detached you appeared, not wanting you to catch on though he spoke, “You don’t have to wait for me to make breakfast,” He smiled lovingly, his eyes still sleepy as he looked up at you, who broke away from that cloudy look unable to  help but share the same smile as your nose crinkled a little, “I burnt toast last time you tried to get me to help.” He commented rolling onto his back onto his side, looking up at you, at first anticipating you would bring up what had happened but….

“Because you said putting it on a higher heat would make it cook faster.” You clacked your tongue making him chuckle, it was his fault the toast came out like a brick but truthfully he hadn’t used his toaster in almost a year until you started staying over. 

He closed his eyes briefly, you were an amazing cook, no matter how much you tried to coyly dismiss him, he’d shower you in compliment after compliment when it came to what you made in the kitchen. Jungkook would admit he was suspicious about all the food you had gotten at the grocery store but he stood corrected, you were making use of it all.

Jungkook couldn’t even adequately describe how much he loved you and everything you did for him, it was quiet for a moment as he stared up at you with his lips twisted into a tiny smile, his lack of reply making you turn to look at him as your nose crinkled again, “Hey babygirl….” Jungkook hummed out making you raise your brows, he sat up tenderly as he ran a hand through his hair, feeling a little apprehensive as he mumbled, “...Baby are you okay…?”

“Don’t….” Jungkook immediately frowned at your sharp words as you curled away from him a little, your expression a shards of distraught could be seen in your expression which only made him want to hold you closer, “Jungkook I…” you closed your eyes, lips quivering a little as you mumbled, “Can we not...talk about it?” 

Jungkook frowned as he stared at your curled up figure earnestly, not talk about it…? Jungkook didn’t want to make any assumptions but it was difficult to not when you were acting like this, “Baby…” Jungkook sighed before tenderly reaching out, pulling you closer as he rested his chin in your shoulder, “We can’t ignore what’s going on.” 

Your lips drew together tightly and he could see the way your eyes watered as you inhaled sharply, trying your best to keep it together as you mumbled, “We can, what else can we do besides that?” You looked up at him, a tear having escaped as it began to trickle down your cheek, “Just for a few hours, please?” You mumbled.

Jungkook sighed, weak for you and he could never do something with the intention of knowing you’d cry, cradling your cheek he thumbed the tear away, “Just a few hours baby.” He leaned up, pressing a kiss on your cheek as you crumbled back against him, basking in the warmth he had to offer as he tenderly trailed a few kisses down your neck. Time passed slowly and tenderly as silence took over for a long while, Jungkook still felt mildly concerned but he wouldn’t push you, especially like this.

But pretending like last night didn’t happen wasn’t a good idea either, Jungkook felt helpless as he pressed a kiss onto your head, feeling lost and unsure of what to do. This wasn’t healthy for him or you at this point and your alarming detachment was only making him more and more worried for your safety, pretending things weren’t going on was only going to give you a false sense of security that didn’t exist. 

“...Can we go cook now...,” You whined with a mumble as you closed your laptop before getting out of bed, “Come let go, let’s go, let’s go!” You bounce a little, a silly pout on your lips and a surprising amount of energy for someone who hated waking up early, let alone with everything going on, the large t-shirt covering close to your knees before you hurried from the room. 

Jungkook shook his head, letting you have your temporary moment of relief, a smile on his face before groaning as he got out of bed, rubbing his head, “You’d be more successful without me burning anything!” He called out in one last ditch effort to go back to bed. 

“I want your help!” You sang back not taking no for an answer as he shook his head, getting up as he yawned once more, rubbing his eyes before he grabbed a sweatshirt that was hanging off the side of the laundry hamper. You both were supposed to go to the laundromat this morning to get some clothes done.

‘I can’t believe you don’t have a washer and dryer, this is so gross!” 

Your words echoed in his head and he wanted to laugh all over again, truth be told he only lived a block away from a laundromat and he didn’t mind taking early morning walks to get laundry done, even if it was an inconvenience. 

Jungkook couldn’t say for sure if those plans were still on given what had...happened last night, despite only happening it still felt like a hazy dream that only filled him with dread any

Pulling the sweatshirt over his head he couldn’t stop another yawn escaping him as he padded out from the hallway to where the kitchen and living room were, his eyes landing on you softly as you had already gotten to work. Wordlessly he walked up to you before wrapping his arms around your waist, pressing his face against your shoulder, “Koo! I can’t mix this properly when you’re trying to use me like a couch!” You whined out trying to tug away. 

Jungkook pressed a kiss against your shoulder as you wiggled once more, only he swayed with you as he whispered in your ear, “Can’t I just have you for breakfast?” 

“No!” You spoke sharply, obviously flustered at his words making him chuckle, forever endeared at how easy it was to make you all flustered over something you both had done time after time. Jungkook would never get tired of you, he was sure of it. 

Jungkook and you had cooked together this morning and with your gentle, patient direction Jungkook was surprised he had managed to actually be of some use and help to you. Breakfast was….rewarding, in a way. 

He could understand why you enjoyed it so much, you had told him recently that it was a pastime hobby to make tasty things. Jungkook had never gotten to experience waking up early as a child and helping the family making an early breakfast or even sitting at a table together bantering while enjoying what had been made together. Jungkook knew you often felt like you couldn’t offer him anything exciting or new, given you were a big introvert and he was the opposite, but little did you know it was the tiny things such as this that was new and he’d forever cherish.

Jungkook rested his cheek against his hand, a soft smile tugging on his lips as he listened to you ramble on about how when you first started cooking you had ended up misreading the recipe and using a half cup of baking soda instead of a teaspoon. You didn’t even realize just how much you gave to him in these little moments, he would always cherish it.

After breakfast Jungkook had loaded up his laundry with you before heading out onto the streets, Jungkook had rationalized that it was still daylight out and it was a busy morning with a large crowd, surely...things would be okay. 

Jungkook could tell you were leery of walking on foot but he had managed to convince you, after all, you wanted to have the morning to at least enjoy yourself and Jungkook would provide that to the best of his ability. Yet still, any time it was silent between you both a large cloud hung over the both of you, an unspoken tension that he couldn’t stand. 

And so Jungkook did what he always did when he didn’t like the atmosphere, he made conversation, something easy to talk about and he knew you enjoyed decorating, so he volunteered to ask what you wanted to do to the apartment first. 

Jungkook only had a tiny smile on his face as you immediately launched in the dozens of small things you wanted to get done first, a wash of relief taking over him at you now being a mildly distracted and the walk only being ten minutes, “That’s another thing i’d like by the way,” Jungkook hummed as he turned to face you, who had just been rambling on about this and that, “A washer and dryer in the apartment!” You exclaimed with a pout now enthusiastic about getting the apartment in better shape, “I don’t wanna have to walk a block every week just so our clothes can be clean! How do you live like this Jungkook?” 

Jungkook chuckled a little as he replied back, “Like anyone else! Not everyone can afford that babygirl. Have you stopped to think for a moment that maybe, maybe I’m just too poor to afford it.” He cackled at the sour expression on your face. 

“You just dropped over two thousand on a new gaming setup three days ago, Jungkook.” You groaned as you grabbed your head making him smile once more. 

“Not a setup, it’s all the parts for a new PC baby, I gotta prep my drip for Cyberpunk 2077 when it comes out. Which takes precedence over a washer and dryer,” He shrugged, just enjoying the way you’d flail and react, “However,” Jungkook exclaimed dramatically before he grinned, “I’ll make an exception, just for you.” He cooed as he wrapped an arm around you making you squirm, “But for real, I enjoy the experience babygirl, it’s not about having to walk once a week. It’s the fact that I get to walk once a week, and just enjoy myself.” 

Your nose wrinkled a little making him snort, he knew by your expression you didn’t understand at all but you also clearly didn’t want to invalidate him either. That’s what he really liked about you, he supposed, no matter how much you disliked something, you always tried your best to understand. 

For the sake of those you loved. You were delicate like that, or so Jungkook liked to think. 

…

“I think, you totally like her,” Jungkook whipped his head around faster than he could actually comprehend Taehyung’s words, just what in the hell did he hear his best friend say? “Just look at you dude, you won’t stop smiling every time you see her.” 

Jungkook leered away a little at his words, true it had been nearly a month of training you and there had never been a dull day in between but still… “I smile at everyone…” Jungkook frowned a little as he pointed it out, it was true, he did smile a lot, he liked to smile, it meant he was having a good time. 

“Yeah but,” Taehyung curved a brow, looking way too amused to be possible, “You never look like that.” He shrugged a little as Jungkook’s face soured a little, “Come on, don’t look at me like that, it’s the truth, why not just take her on a date. You’d do it to any other girl at this point.” 

Jungkook had to think about it for a moment, why hadn’t he taken you out on a date…? He frowned a little before sighing, “Because she isn’t a girl i’d just take on a date and fuck and never see again,” He answered steadily, that was the biggest reason truthfully, he didn’t know how to feel and the last thing he wanted was to let his hormones get the best of him and dive head first into a girl he really knew nothing about and…His jaw clenched a little, look what happened the last time he tried that.

“Isn’t that a good thing…?” Taehyung frowned a little as asked, obviously confused as to why this was a bad thing. 

“Because!” Jungkook flailed his hand a little, his back turned to the stage where some assortment of fillers were providing cheap entertainment, “She just…! I don’t…” He inhaled sharply, frustrated at himself, “Look I can’t deal with feelings and shit, not again, not after Soo Jin.” He rolled his eyes a little, “Taking her on a date is like a gateway for all that crap and I can’t deal with it right now.” 

Taehyung whistled a little, “That’s a little cold, even for you.” Jungkook puffed a breath as he continued, “And besides, what’s the difference between a hangout and a date anyways? You both go out together all the time as it is…” 

“Could you shut the fuck up please and just make my drink.” Jungkook complained, not wanting to be confronted with all of this. He didn’t want to think about because if he did he knew he was gonna freak himself out and end up doing something dumb and hurting you. And more than anything, he didn’t want to hurt you. 

So yes, he was going to drag out...whatever this was with you...as long as possible to ensure that he knew who you were, and what your intentions were with him. Not to assume he thought you had any type of intentions, you couldn’t hurt a fly honestly, unless provoked. 

But still, if Jungkook had learned any lessons, it was to not jump into love so fast as he had before. Not that he was in love with you...or anything like that. It was just platonic! He enjoyed platonic relationships- friendships! And you were the kindest, sweetest…his eyes trailed to your figure that was seated next to Rosé both of you talking to a table of frat boys who were eating you both up like candy...prettiest...friend he ever had! 

“Whatever, all I’m saying is if you break her heart- legally I’m obligated to beat the shit out of you.” Taehyung offered a boxy smile as Jungkook rolled his eyes as he slumped in his seat. He wasn’t going to do anything, Jungkook and you were purely, friends, good friends. That’s all. 

….

“She what?” 

“Yeah me and Rosé were pretty surprised she jumped to that conclusion.” Jungkook snorted at your words as you swung your feet back and forth, sitting on the seats they had set out in the laundromat while you both waited for your clothing to finish drying. 

“Taehyung is not gonna like hearing that, have you told him yet?” Jungkook snorted at the way your expression contorted before you flailed. 

“Of course not! Taehyung would freak and he’d probably do something stupid that would only confirm it in Yeri’s mind! I think, we should just leave them be, honestly, if it goes on long enough, Yeri will probably confront him.” You answered honestly, as you hugged the basket against your lap. 

“That’s one way it could go,” Jungkok hummed as he fiddled with your shirt making you whine a little, tugging away with him in indication for him to stop only for him to ignore it, “The other could be Yeri leaves and i’ll have my best bachelor bud ba- ow!” 

You swatted his arm angrily making him chuckle a little as he pulled away, “What?”

“Don’t talk like that! What do you have against Yeri!?” You cried out pointedly as Jungkook raised his brow in semi surprise. 

“Woah wait, I don’t have anything against her-” 

“Sure you do! Yeri told me how much of a jerk you were to her when she first started dating Taehyung! And making jokes like that isn’t funny!” Your brows pinched together and Jungkook sighed in exasperation when he realized you were being partially serious, “I just want them to be happy!”

“I don’t have anything against her,” Jungkook replied, this time more stern in his words, “And yes, I’m not gonna sit here and pretend like I wasn’t an asshole to her, I was. But only because I was still bitter about what had happened in the past and I projected that, unfairly onto their relationship. I wasn’t mature in the slightest either about it. I get it, but at the time I was just scared and I didn’t want my friend taken away from me.” He shrugged, “But it’s all in the past now, that’s nearly what? Two years ago now? I’m happy for them, really. I was just being careless when I made the remark.” 

You set the basket down to cross your arms as you huffed, obviously still upset but at least Jungkook was honest, or so he thought. Better to be honest then lie and screw everything up.

“What? Are you gonna be mad at me now the rest of the day?” Jungkook shoved your shoulder gently with his in a playful motion he’d often use to try and lighten the mood a little. 

He internally sighed at seeing you not budge, your arms crossed as you pressed your lips together,  “I won’t,” You mumbled, “I just want you to not be so…” You waved your hand a little as your lips curled with a sigh, “When it comes to Taehyung and Yeri, is it really a crime Taehyung wants to marry her?” 

Jungkook paused for a moment, what? He didn’t….didn’t he just explain? He sighed, “What? Do you think that’s a reflection of my view of marriage?” When you didn’t answer him Jungkook sighed in exasperation, “Alright fine, obviously I have to prove my devotion, again.” 

“Jungkook what- what are you doing!” 

Jungkook couldn’t hold in his laugh at the way you scurried in your seat at the sight of him sliding off his chair to kneel on the ground, grabbing your knees making you jolt, “Let’s go elope baby. Right now- or as soon as the laundry is done-” 

“Get up! People are staring!” You hissed out despite giggles escaping you as you tried to push Jungkook away who grabbed your hands, pressing kisses on them as he pulled you down a little with a whisper. 

“I will when you say yes. This is what this is about, right? You think I got something against marriage? Well let me prove you wrong baby.” Jungkook growled playfully in your ear as you pulled away. 

A loud beep cut him off, making both him and you jump as the washer that held both of your clothes stopped, “I’m not finished with you yet baby.” Jungkook had that dorky half smile on his face as he stood up to get the clothes out of the washer and into the dryer. 

Marriage huh...For a brief moment, Jungkook wanted to snort at the notion, him? Marriage? He never really gave it any genuine thought mainly because he never thought he’d be worthy of marrying, well….anyone. 

And for the longest time he didn’t even believe in marriage, the idea of being together with someone, forever really made him squirm when he was younger, possibly because his only example of marriage was his parents and he wasn’t even sure if they were married in the first place. 

A lot of examples throughout Jungkook’s life were bad examples. It was often difficult for him to try and accomplish a new idea without anything to lead by. But…his eyes trailed back to your figure who was still reeling about what had just happened. Maybe…

Just maybe…

Pushing the button on the dryer Jungkook plopped back in his seat going to speak to you but he paused when he noticed how stiff you were, your eyes were on the door to the laundromat where people were going in and out of view on the busy street, “What baby?” Jungkook furrowed his brows a little, confused as to why you looked so cautious all of a sudden. 

You looked at him briefly as if consulting something in your mind on what to say before you leaned back down in your seat, your eyes on your fingers as you fiddled with them the way you always did when you got nervous, “...Maybe...we should go to the police Jungkook...you know...about what’s going on, what happened…” 

Jungkook paused in his tracks. Police? He didn’t mean to immediately frown but…”Baby listen…” He sighed as he lowered his voice, not wanting to dismiss you as easily as he wanted too because he knew you genuinely cared and you were in a dangerous position being together with him, naturally you’d have a say so in what you both chose to do but...

Jungkook grabbed your hands tenderly as he spoke softly, “I...If it could be avoided I really don’t want the police involved- if they knew about my involvement in…” He didn’t even want to finish his sentence, would the police even care about how long it had been? Or the fact that he had been blackmailed into doing it for his sister's safety? 

Jungkook couldn’t take the risk, he couldn’t. There was too much unknown and risk for him to feel confident they would help rather than simply throw him in prison. You mirrored his expression as you sighed, your shoulders deflating a little as your bottom lip quivered the way it did when you were trying to not let yourself get upset. 

“I don’t think they’d do that Jungkook…!” You whispered and Jungkook couldn’t stand to look at the way your eyes were pleading, “I just- I don’t want anything to happen to you or- or to me! And- and maybe they could at least push these people back, right? I mean...We can’t keep taking risks like this.”

Jungkook lowered his gaze, despite his own fear he could never say no to you, not when you were pleading with him like this, especially when it was this dangerous. He ran a hand through his hair as he closed his eyes, “...I’ll think about it.” He relented, “Just let me think it over tonight okay?” 

It was the best he could do, Jungkook was only human. He wished he could be so much more, for his friends, for you, but he couldn’t. Your expression was still dim but you nodded in respect of his decision before leaning against him, your head resting against his shoulder. Jungkook let his own head rest atop of yours before pressing a kiss against your head while whispering, “Everything is gonna be okay baby.” 

Cherry Bomb was packed as ever, Jungkook had been helping out the majority of the night and truthfully, he enjoyed the rush of keeping up with lights, making sure girls were on schedule, he liked the busy atmosphere and more than anything he loved watching you dance and swing around a pole.

You were practically blowing competition out of the park left and right and your votes were only going up on Cherry’s twitter account. Not that Jungkook ever had a doubt in his mind about you taking first place, but seeing it on a screen really hit home that you were his baby and dammit could you do anything if you wanted too. 

“I think she’s gonna win!” Rosé squealed in her seat as she clapped her hands, “It’ll be so nice having another female soloist to help with the crowds!” Jungkook leaned back in his seat, saying nothing but his smile spoke for itself. 

“Maybe we’ll finally stop having to listen to Sejin bitch about our numbers dropping.” Seokjin yawned as he stretched out, “She’s pulled a big crowd on her own, who knows.” 

Jungkook clapped his hands together, “What did I say in the beginning?” He hummed as he furrowed his brows, that dorky boyish smile on his face making the others groan, “What was that? That I ah- said she’d make us money? That she’d be amazing? Hmmm? That’s the sound of me being right.” Jungkook chuckled as he listened to the crowd whistling as you exited the stage. 

Jungkook would never stop being proud of your accomplishments. Getting out of his chair he looked down at everyone prominently with a smirk as he crossed his arms before exiting to go find you. He was already semi hard from your performance and he wasn’t about to wait to get home. The bathroom stall was just gonna have to work for tonight. 

The staffing hallway was just as bustling as ever but things had calmed down admittedly, they had put you towards the ladder end of the contest so they could still keep a crowd for the majority of the night and now that you were finished things would soon be lowkey. Jungkook pushed the door open to Rosé’s dressing room as she had been kind enough to let you use it for the competition. 

Jungkook would’ve offered us own but...His nose twitched in an attempt to wrinkle, it was still messy in his room and they were still working on getting it cleaned up. You were sitting in your seat, taking off the earrings you had been wearing before a smile tugged on your lips at the sight of your boyfriend, “What?” You smiled, somewhat shyly as you adjusted your robe. 

Jungkook strutted over only to lean down, his arms around you as he pressed a kiss against your shoulder, “I’m gonna let you choose where I’m gonna fuck you baby.”

“Jungkook!” You jolted with a squeak at his crude words, that boyish smile on his face as he looked back at you in the mirror, “Jungkook!” You reiterated as you twisted around to look at him, your face warm as he raised his brows semi amused. 

Jungkook let his lips press against your neck as he chuckled against your warm skin, “I said what I said, I’m gonna go take a quick smoke and when I come back you better have an answer, yeah?” 

He smiled down at the way your eyes squinted a little at the mention of smoke, reaching up you pulled Jungkook back down, pressing your lips against his too quick for him to truly enjoy the taste of the vanilla chapstick you wore with the maroon lipstick that was probably transferred to his own lips, “You’re gonna get lung cancer if you keep smoking.” 

Jungkook puffed a breath, his lips threatening to curl at the way you were looking up at him softly, “I’m here for a good time, not a long time babygirl. Think carefully!” You shook your head as you watched him exit the room. 

You were happy to be performing again and having some resemblance of normalcy back, even if it was just on stage. Not to mention all the money you were making throughout the contest. Checking your phone your lips curled a little, you were currently in third place in ranking at the moment. No it wasn’t the best, but you’d take it. 

Glancing at the clock you hummed, noticing it had been about two minutes, your mind lingering on Jungkook’s words as you shook your head, a shy smile tugging on your lips. Well...he did enjoy the car after all...Fiddling with your phone you looked down at your lock screen once more. 

Time slowly ticked and eventually after five minutes you frowned, Jungkook normally didn’t take this long to smoke unless he got held up. You sighed, thinking back to your confrontation with Seulgi and how hurt she had seemed, as if it was your fault Jungkook fell in love with you...Well...you guessed in some ways it was. But still...she wouldn’t go out of her way to harass him tonight, would she? She had been talking shit earlier in the dressing room, hence you had decided to move into Rosé’s dressing room as she didn’t mind and you couldn’t be held responsible for whatever you did to her. 

You still didn’t fully understand her mindset, her words lingering in your head. Was she really just that big of a sore loser? The moment you stood up for yourself was the moment you threatened her very being? You just wanted to understand. 

Standing up you finished changing before deciding to go look for Jungkook, his absence after five minutes beginning to make you a little anxious to see him once more. Walking through the hallways you looked around, everyone was busy and with somewhere to be and yet you still couldn’t find him. Not in the dressing rooms, the bathrooms...Well, he did say he was going for a smoke. 

You rubbed your head, who would be out in the back exit beside him? He was the only person you ever used the back entrance anyway. The hall was dark and the red beam of LED cast down making the walls feel more narrow as you frowned cautiously pushing the door open to reveal the dark night sky and dingy alleyway that always made you uncomfortable.

That’s all you saw though. Jungkook nowhere to be found.

Panic flooded your veins at the sight of the pack of cigarettes laying on the ground and a half smoked bud. He was gone. Jungkook was gone. You could be overreacting but your gut was telling you otherwise, with shaking hands you yanked the door back open running room to room and once again, he was nowhere to be found. 

Opening the door to the main building where all the customers were, you hurried towards the bar, overwhelm beginning to flood your body as you desperately blinked back tears, pushing through people to get to the bar that had seemed pretty calm now that the majority of clients were leaving. 

“Hey! I’m glad we caught you just in time before you left-” A familiar face was sitting at the bar across from Taehyung as he greeted you but both men faltered at the sight of your choked voice as you closed your eyes, warm wet tears beginning to spill down your face. 

“Jungkook is gone! I- I can’t find him anywhere!” 

Note: yayyy!!! another chapter over and it’s gotten even worse!! we only have two chapters left guys I’m not prepared!!! :( lemme know what you think so far and ty for reading!

Taglist CLOSED

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[tomatograter]

New to the fandom, Could you explain June? 💯 Love and support her. But homestuck 2 doesn't have her and I'm just confused?

June Egbert precedes the concept of homestuck^2! I’ve seen a lot of people be confused about this because they weren’t active on the fandom at the time the epilogues dropped, when reading her as a trans woman got a lot of discussion going and eventually lead to multiple confirmations.

So here’s an attempt at contextualization:

Throughout Homestuck, a few key ideas about Egbert’s identity and motivation to push forward with her hero’s journey are dropped like breadcrumbs. She’s meant to play the default straight-man protagonist. Her defining traits are ridiculously… generic, when compared to how all the other kids present themselves and stick to exaggerated bits. She’s a perfectly normal, regular suburban kid with normal, suburban issues. 

She may not leave her room a whole lot. She may not have a lot of real life friends in the neighborhood. She holds a comical irritation for the concept of birthdays, even though her father is extremely supportive, and is delighted to see his son grow up nice and healthy. There’s no reason for her to be so irrationally upset at cakes and gifts, and that’s what makes the setup funny! June doesn’t even know why she’s annoyed with half of the things that annoy her, what the heck.

But under all that playing around there is a sense that her life is so normal, so blasé, so unexciting and limiting and hollow and fake that she’d give anything to not be herself, even if only for ten minutes. This goes way, way back. It’s why June needs SBURB to happen.

June lives as though her life hasn’t started yet. She’s stuck in the Tutorial stage. I would argue while most kids (and trolls) play SBURB to escape a shitty environment or the end of the world as they know it, June plays for a simpler reason: She needs to escape herself, and she needs to do it before it is too late. 

Being thirteen means crossing the homeric abyss between being a child with no care for the world sporting a generic hand-me-down identity and becoming a Teen (capital T) who needs to figure out how to cope with atrocious bodily changes while building the adult they’re meant to be AND deciding what the fuck they want out of life, and how they’re going to work to get it, forever and ever.

When you’re trans, and you don’t yet know you’re trans (or that this is a thing you’re even ALLOWED to be) the above feels a lot like serving a life sentence for an intangible crime.

You know what you’re supposed to do. You’ve seen it on tv, you’ve heard it from your dad, you know what are the normal trials and tribulations. You know you'll grow a few pimples and stubble and you'll need to learn how to shave, obviously, because it's basically a tradition in your family, and no one is really happy to be a teen. You know at some point you'll find a nice girl and you'll grow a hat out of your skull and then you will have to pay taxes and maybe you will have a baby daughter? You'd like it to be a daughter for no particular reason. And when you get a daughter you're going to name her Casey and she's going to be adorable and this is something you've dedicated a lot of thought to. Maybe its because you thought Nic Cage looked really cool with those long flowing locks in con air, the movie who featured a trans woman as a minor character for a few minutes (and she gets quite a bit of compliments, regardless of how the movie has aged), and he had a really exciting life, but goddamn did he love his daughter. There is no purer love than the bond between a father and his daughter. 

This absolutely has nothing to do with your father and you, or how you hold no excitement for becoming an adult man, or how your father's excitement for you becoming an adult man in your stead feels a little stifling.

But i digress.

June spends her time on SBURB mostly hassling karkat, and readily following the instructions of zany, dangerous, COOL girls that seem to know what they're doing. June lets Terezi lead her to certain death without blinking. June lets Vriska dress her up as soon as opportunity presents itself. June thinks its really funny to trick this troll Who Types Really Oddly into believing she's Rose, and also into believing that she's a very silly girl. You may even say Homestuck employs a few of jokes pertaining to how her name looks like EGG !

June has a ball playing this game until it starts to get shitty. She's never able to mend her relationship with her dad, as he's one of the first causalities. She has to spend a lot of time waiting around with jade on a ship until things get cool and exciting again, but she never stops growing during those three years. Its fine, though, because there's always more things to be done and more people to fight.

Until there aren't, and they make a new earth, and while everyone cheers and claps for the birth of a new planet June realizes all her excuses are over. Her friends begin to grow up. Rose gets married. Jade is living her best life. Dave has a not-boyfriend glued to his hip. Jane has a job. Jake is on TV for some reason. June doesn't want to leave home. June's birthday is around the corner again. Here come all the congratulations for becoming a strong lad for yet another year! Vriska is gone. Terezi is gone. SBURB is over. Wacky hijinks have been swapped for real-ass, boring-ass Regular life. We watch her unsuccessfully chase after the glory of days gone by when Rose presents her the possibility of going back into the game, when things were cool and mattered, or her flimsy decision to settle down with a nice girl she hasn’t really made an effort to know and become a father and be absolutely miserable for four decades as she asserts nothing is real, not anymore, and this is just how it is.

Depersonalization, depression and general apathy towards the world are all pronounced aspects of dysphoria that seem like unrelated incidents for someone who hasn't came out yet. June's trainwreck of a life post-game, specially her feeling of hollowness and chasing after anything that could fill it struck a chord with trans readers who left the epilogues to read HS again and discovered this has always sort of been here. June being a trans woman who doesn't have the proper vocabulary to express she is a trans woman makes a lot of earlier bits from the comic click into place, now in a broader context. We settled in the name "June" because it's what she imagines Vriska is calling her at some point, amid laughs, but even that was discussed for a lengthy period last year. What would she want to be called, what are possible tags for this, etc. But it was mostly for fun and games, because the prospect of the protagonist of a 10 year old beloved cult series being ACTUALLY confirmed as a trans woman just wasn't something that was done.

Until word got around to Andrew Hussie and he was reportedly so pleased with this interpretation of events he’d be making references to it, and some time later, a box of toblerones was left in a cave as a gift for fans to find. The first person to find a toblerone thought it would be funny to dedicate it to June, because now she was an ongoing reference that was fun to make. Instead of it ending there, Hussie logs on twitter for the first time in a long while to say 'Oh yeah, i'll make it happen' and that's when the whole thing exploded. I have a post detailing this made a year ago (with pictures!) so i won't keep you here.

In the year since, June has been vaguely alluded to in Pesterquest (in jade's end card, she's having her nails painted by rose.) Has been widely adopted by the community, those making their own fanventures and continuations, and the team behind Homestuck^2. In every way that matters, she's already thriving within the community that brought her to light a year ago. But her coming out in canon is something that will take time and a proper narrative arc to happen, one that is still being set up. We know it'll come eventually, the only question is “how”.

Not that the wind waits for anyone.

[lepusrufus]

Double edged scalpel ch.5

Ch.1 Ch.2 Ch.3 Ch.4

Summary: someone please give Nicole a break for the love of Miranda. And there be smut y'all

---

Seeing Cassandra's softer side made something flutter within Nicole's chest. The brunette was a sadist through and through. Witness to that fact was the array of torture devices that littered the dungeons. Not to mention the prisoners she frequently killed, only to haul them on the autopsy tables in her study to be examined, chopped and sectioned by the both of them.

But there was an uncharacteristic sort of gentleness in the way their lips slid against each other, sharp teeth occasionally biting down on Nicole's lower lip but never enough to draw blood. In the way Cassandra would drag sharp nails against flushed skin, but not go beyond the pleasurable amount of pain. Even the glint in golden eyes when Nicole went over some old notes of hers on more tricky anatomy concepts. Having an exclusive look at this side of Cassandra felt beyond intimate and the thought almost made her miss when the brunette spoke from where she was leaning over a notebook.

"Okay let's just wrap this up, I have plans."

Nicole hummed, dropping the liver she was holding in a freezer bag. Most body parts were already bagged and ready to be picked up by Cynthia and her undercooks, they were just putting into practice some things the brunette was curious about. She dropped the now blood soaked leather gloves in the sink and went to sit by Cassandra, who was scribbling some final notes.

"In that case I'll go enjoy a cup of tea," she sighed. "Tea that I had to skip because someone was eager to start on this early."

Cassandra raised an eyebrow at her, accompanied by her usual smirk. "I meant plans with you."

Oh? That was new. The brunette laughed at Nicole's wide eyed expression and snapped her notebook shut. She took her sweet time putting it on the shelf with the others and checking the time, pretending not to notice the redhead's inquisitive expression. Then, she lifted Nicole’s chin with a thankfully not covered in blood finger.

"Don't get me wrong I love it here but," she grimaced, "it gets stuffy sometimes. Especially in summer."

Well, that much was true. The undergrounds of the castle were oddly warm, although not downright hot, compared to what one would expect from a castle. Pair that with the annoyingly humid atmosphere and having to wear a leather apron and gloves so as to not completely ruin your outfit and you got the perfect recipe for discomfort. She really ought to ask Cassandra about installing some kind of better ventilation down here.

"Meet me in the attic in about… an hour." She leaned down and their mouths were so close that Nicole could feel icy breath on her lips.

The attic? She's never been to the attic, it was not only off limits for most staff but also dangerous if rumors were to be believed. Not that she had the clarity of mind to voice any concerns when Cassandra finally leaned in to kiss her, complete with a nip on her lower lip that made Nicole’s breath hitch.

---

The fact that Nicole had no idea how to get to the attic could be a slight problem. She had asked Anita, but not only did she not know, she also seemed mortified by the idea. Another maid just gave her vague directions to look for a ladder on the top floor. As if that wasn't like trying to find the needle in a haystack. Or the needle in a giant castle.

She was just wandering around the top floor, praying not to stumble upon anyone who would be less than thrilled to see her there. A sigh of relief escaped past her lips when she heard familiar buzzing and steps coming towards her.

"Oh Cas-" she swallowed her words when she noticed red hair spilling from underneath a black hood.

"Nicole! What are you doing here hmm?" Her inquisitive hum was way too exaggerated the same way her fangs seemed too sharp when she grinned.

"I was just looking for Ca- lady Cassandra. She asked me to meet her in the attic."

Daniela's mouth fell open, almost forming an O shape. Then back to her characteristic giggle, almost as if laughing at a joke only she knew.

"What, you don't know how to get there?"

"...Not really," she sheepishly admitted.

And that was a mistake. Nicole would've preferred to wander the hallways until Cassandra eventually got bored enough of waiting and decided to come see where her glorified lab partner was. But her plan was ruined by Daniela wordlessly grabbing her arm and pulling her in the opposite direction she was going in. She even went the extra mile to partially turn into a swarm, which made Nicole's panic skyrocket. She didn't mind bugs. But having hundreds of them fly all around you, accompanied by manic giggling was a whole other thing.

Before she knew it though, Daniela let go of her arm, laughing a little at Nicole's stumbling. She gestured dramatically towards a ladder and said:

"There you go. Say hi to Cassie for me."

"Th- thank you my lady." And with a small bow of the head she grabbed the ladder and started ascending on shaky legs.

"And enjoy your date," she called out, once Nicole was at the top of the stairs.

Blushing, she decided to ignore the comment and start looking for the sister less likely to turn her into fly food.

The attic looked… old. It was obvious that people didn't come here often, although someone probably did clean it regularly as there were no cobwebs nor dirt on any surfaces, aside from some dust. It was full of neatly arranged boxes and crates, their contents as mysterious as the castle's inhabitants. Tentative steps took her across ancient floorboards, navigating old rooms.

"Rah!"

Nicole damn near jumped out of her skin, a string of curses spilling past her lips. "Jesus fucking christ Cassandra!"

The brunette only laughed, hands on her knees and pretending to wipe a tear from her eye.

"That's what you get for making me wait for so long."

"I didn't even know where the attic entrance was! Good thing one of your sisters came to my rescue." Nicole rolled her eyes at the last word.

Cassandra stopped laughing, eyes narrowing slightly. "Which one?"

"Uh- Danie-"

"Did she hurt you?" Cassandra grabbed her arms, golden eyes looking for any visible injuries.

Nicole just laughed softly, taken off guard by the display of concern. "No, no. Just gave me a bit of a fright, that's all."

With an eye roll, Cassandra guided her further into the attic, through more dusty rooms, until they reached a short corridor, light spilling from its other end. The room they entered was relatively small, almost half of it occupied by stacked boxes as if it used to be a storage room like the rest of the attic and nobody bothered to completely clear it out. A few pieces of furniture were also present: a couch with a coffee table in front of it and paintings leaning against a wall to collect dust. This room however had a window, left slightly ajar, that allowed you to see the mountains stretching on the horizon, crowned by the beautiful orange hues of dusk.

Nicole moved to the glass to take in the view, mouth almost hanging open, when an ungodly screech from outside made her backpedal straight into Cassandra.

"What the fuck was that?" She asked, eyes widening at the sight of flying creatures circling the towers.

"Mother's flying guard dogs."

"They sound the same way I'd imagine the souls of the damned do." Nicole didn’t take her eyes off the ghoulish creatures, almost as if keeping eye contact would dissuade them from attacking.

Cassandra just shrugged. "Wouldn't be too far off. Also here." She sat on the couch, gesturing towards a cup.

Nicole went to sit by her side, grabbing the mystery cup. She frowned slightly when the steam reached her nose, bringing with it a pleasant minty and honey aroma.

"Tea?"

"Since you were so disheartened about having to skip it earlier," Cassandra averted her eyes, seemingly finding the curtains very interesting.

After a long sip, she let out a content sigh. The warmth was more than welcomed, despite the weather. She set the cup back on the table and turned her attention on the brunette, now fidgeting with the corner of a pillow.

"Thank you," Nicole said, leaving a small kiss on her cheek.

Cassandra smiled and turned around, locking their lips in a kiss that at first mimicked her gentleness, but soon turned hungry when dainty hands made their way to the brunette's nape, pulling her closer. She shifted them both, pushing Nicole down on the pillows littering the couch, until she was laying on top of her, legs on each side of her waist. Her focus was on leaving a trail of nips and kisses down Nicole's neck when the redhead jumped and barely stifled a yelp at another screech from outside.

"Ugh what the fuck is today, scare me out of my mind day?"

"How are you scared of these but countless dead bodies don't phase you?" Cassandra laughed, sound muffled by her position with her mouth against Nicole's neck.

"I used to work on corpses, not on ugly gargoyles that could chew my face off!" She gestured wildly at the window and the few creatures visible outside.

"You what?"

"You...didn't know?" Nicole couldn't help a giggle at Cassandra's confused expression.

"How was I supposed to know?"

"I thought your mother told you already. Or your sisters," Nicole shrugged.

"They knew?!" And, after something seemed to dawn on her, "Oh I'm gonna kick both their asses."

Nicole couldn’t help letting out a small laugh, placing her hands on Cassandra's cheeks and, with a pout for dramatic effect, "Right now?"

As much as the sight was both funny and endearing, the warmth starting to pool at her core was making her beyond impatient.

The indignation in golden eyes was replaced by an all too familiar glint and black painted lips went back to their work on Nicole's neck. Sharp fangs pierced the skin there, just enough to draw a few drops of blood and a whine. After licking every last bit of it, Cassandra's lips moved to the collarbones and lower, hands slowly starting to undo the buttons of Nicole's pesky uniform that was in the way.

When both the button up and the skirt were discarded on the floor Nicole tangled her fingers through black hair and pulled Cassandra in for a kiss. Her free hand went to the back of the dress, pulling down the zipper and guiding it off of the brunette's shoulders. Once both of them were left only in undergarments, Nicole pulled back to look up at the brunette.

"If I knew I was supposed to dress up I would've asked the chambermaid if there's anything fancy in the uniform stash," she said, taking in the beautifully intricate lace of Cassandra's matching bra and underwear, complete with a giggle at her awful joking.

The brunette only raised an eyebrow. "Mhm I can take care of that. Not like you'll need these for long though." Her hands reached under Nicole's back to unclasp her bra and in mere moments that too was on top of the pile of clothes on the floor.

Then Cassandra bent down to crash their lips together, tongue slipping past Nicole's lips when a wandering hand elicited a gasp from her.

Cassandra was by no means a patient person. Quite the opposite actually. But teasingly dragging her nails across sensitive skin only to feel the girl under her squirm and whine when her hand just won't go where she needed it made waiting all the more sweet. Slender fingers started to toy with the edges of Nicole's underwear. After a groan against her lips and an impatient tug of hair, Cassandra finally gave in, slipping two fingers inside her. She felt Nicole arch into her, a broken moan escaping past her lips when she broke the kiss to let her head fall back into the cushions. Cassandra took that as an opportunity to kiss the length of her neck, occasionally stopping to suck or bite at a spot, enjoying every gasp and moan she drew out of the redhead.

With Cassandra's rough pace it didn't take long before Nicole was clenching her thighs around her hand. Cassandra kissed her, swallowing her moan as she came.

The small room in the attic, Cassandra's drawing room she would later find out, was the perfect secluded spot. They spent the rest of the evening enjoying each other. First evening of many.

[luxekook]

when fire meets frost | kth

as part of the christmas with bangtan: secret santa collab

❅ pairing: kim taehyung x reader

❅ genre: second chance romance, exes to lovers, angst, smut, fluff

❅ summary: just like a bad holiday song, you gave taehyung your heart last christmas. only in this scenario, he broke it eight months later. now you’re both back at that same damn holiday party where you first met one year ago and you’re just praying for you and your heart to leave in one piece.

❅ word count: 5.8k

❅ warnings: 18+, cursing, suggestive comments, drinking, DIY mistletoe, light violence, random ‘A Streetcar Named Desire’ references, drunk tae (TM), break-up flashbacks, weird humor, hella tension, hella groveling, making out, smut [oral (m to f)], the fluffiest of fluff (borderline cheese...actually...full-on cheese)

❅ banner by: the almighty and powerful maggie @kimtaehyunq​ - who also is the collab host!

Present Day: The Christmas Party, 8:00PM

Taehyung is staring at you. Again. Though you're facing slightly away from him, you know that if you give even the slightest glance over, your suspicions will all but be confirmed. The heated gaze you feel skimming over your body continues as you take a much needed sip of your mulled wine and pray that you get out of his line of vision soon with your dignity still intact.

Seokjin, your best friend and current partner in conversation, notices your predicament and scoffs, “You really should just put that boy out of his misery, (y/n). Scrooge himself would be down to have a foursome with the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future if he was around all this pent-up sexual tension.”

Your red-painted lips curl in a surely unattractive manner that resembles something between a grimace and a grin. You’ve heard variations of this argument about a dozen times from just as many sources, but Seokjin’s might just be the most absurd.

“I don’t know how or why your brain went right to a ghost-fucking analogy, but I’ve long since given up trying to understand your thought processes.”

Seokjin’s chest puffs up at your words like they incite something he should feel proud of. You sigh and shake your head at him, feeling a mix of exasperation and endearment - a constant haze of comfort you feel around your best friend.

“I’m just saying,” Seokjin continues, completely undeterred by your attempts to divert the conversation onto him, “He’s hot. You’re hot. He’s still into you. You’re still into him. I don’t see the problem.”

“I never said–!” You cut yourself off. He’s baiting you. “You son of a nutcracker. You know full well what the problem is. I’ve told you more times than Yoongi has yelled at someone for getting too close to his precious sound system.

At your words, you both look over to your left where Yoongi is currently chewing out a sheepish Namjoon with a death-grip on his expensive ass speakers.

“And I’ve told you that your reasons are shaky at best, (y/n),” Seokjin sighs, placing his chin in his palm and leaning over to you. He continues with a conspiring whisper, “Just because you’re scared you’ll get hurt again doesn’t mean you should never put yourself back out there.”

“Oh yeah,” You scowl, “That’s easy for you to say. You’ve never been dumped by the boy you love because he ‘wants to explore other options’. And then have to keep being around said-boy because you’re in the same friend group. And then fast forward a few months to when that same boy shows up drunk at your doorstep asking for you to take him back because you’re ‘the only one for him’. Spoiler alert: that’s fucking bullshit. And then–”

Seokjin slaps a palm over your mouth, effectively cutting you off mid-rant. “Babe, you have to stop rehashing this. Taehyung clearly is still in love with you. He looks at you like he wants to fucking eat you for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Besides, Tae hasn’t even hooked up with anyone since he asked for another chance.”

“That we know of,” You mumble darkly behind Seokjin’s palm - your words only a barely audible jumble of syllables.

“Are you accosting my date, Jin?” The voice of your co-worker and close friend Felix meets your ears as you shove Seokjin’s hand off of you. When you invited Felix to come to Jimin’s annual holiday party, you briefed him on the situation - like any good friend would. You needed him there as an extra buffer. While you love Seokjin, he definitely can get swept up into petty drama - namely baseless arguments with Jungkook.

As your closest work friend, Felix knows all about you and Taehyung, and therefore he agreed to be your “date” in exchange for your help in getting him a date with Alicia, the new accountant in your office. You’ve spent countless hours sitting next to each other as desk neighbors and coworkers. Felix is quiet, cute and respectful - not to mention his voice is to die for.

Felix’s hand settles on the middle of your back in completely friendly territory, but you can’t help but feel the eyes on you have ramped up in intensity. You wonder if Felix can feel his hand burning from the heat and almost think he does when Felix drops his hand a second later.

It’s one thing to make you uncomfortable. You’ve learned to stomach that. But it’s another thing to make your friends uncomfortable. And for that you turn and level a glare at that beautiful asshole, sitting at a nearby table with Jimin and still looking at you with those goddamn eyes.

Taehyung shamelessly stares back at you as Jimin prattles on about something in his ear before noticing Tae’s mind is elsewhere. Following his gaze to you, Jimin groans and shoves Taehyung’s shoulder before strutting away towards the kitchen. You watch as Jimin saunters by and roll your eyes when he winks at you when your eyes meet. That one has always been trouble.

When you turn back around, Taehyung is still staring at you. No, this time he’s staring at your body - namely, your ass. You ignore the burst of heat that runs through you and make a face somewhere between a scowl and a glare. He looks up at you without the least bit of remorse.

Your eyes narrow. Your ass isn’t even out! Your green ugly Christmas sweater adorned with real ornaments basically falls to your knees. But then again, Taehyung has always had a vivid imagination - and an even better memory. His mind is like a goddamn vault.

You tug your attention away from your ex and back to the current conversation. But your thoughts wander. You still feel that pull towards Taehyung - that same damn pull that’s been there since you first met him. And that scares the shit out of you.

Flashback: The First Meeting, Last Christmas

You’re perched on the arm of Namjoon’s black pleather sofa (“It doesn’t stain! Can you believe that?” “Namjoon, it’s ripped in seven places.”). Surveying the flurry of friends scattered throughout the cozy apartment, you only see a few people that you don’t know. But something feels different tonight, and you just can’t figure out why.

Did Namjoon rearrange his plants? Did Jimin part his hair differently? Did Hoseok change his outfit - again?  

“A-yo, (y/n)!” Seokjin yells over to you from clear across the room. You’re always baffled at how clueless that boy is to social cues. “Come meet Taehyung!” Your friend continues to yell, practically pinwheeling his arms to beckon you over to his side of the room. You can vaguely make out an unknown figure standing with their back to you, facing Seokjin in conversation.

You sigh. Might as well get this over with before Seokjin decides to start pretending to lasso you over to his side of the room. Or worse - get his actual lasso that he has for some unknown reason. A natural performer that boy is. Getting to your feet, you cross the room. Your heartbeat thuds in your chest and you rub a hand over your heart absentmindedly.

What is wrong with you? Meeting new people always brings nerves, but you never usually feel this out of sorts. You step into Seokjin’s outstretched arm and into the embrace of your best friend. And then you look up at the newcomer.

Hooded dark eyes. Curly black hair. Perfect pink lips. Jawline chiseled by the gods.

Your breath catches in your throat. Words buzz in the air around you but you can't distinguish one from the next. You’re pretty sure Seokjin is making some sort of joke because his sides start to shake and the beautiful stranger looks exasperatedly amused. Yet, his eyes never stray from yours.

His lips part like his breath is caught in his throat.

“Taehyung-ie, don’t be rude! Say hi!” Seokjin shoves Taehyung, jolting you both out of your little staring contest.

“Hi,” Taehyung repeats. Your stomach flips at the depth of his voice. “I’m Taehyung. Kim Taehyung. You can call me Tae. Or V. Or just Taehyung.”

Your smile widens at his ramblings and the rising color of his cheeks. “Hi, Tae,” You can't help but grin up at the adorable, beautiful boy. He really looks angelic under the kitchen lights. His halo of curls frames his face in such a way that makes you want to curl your finger around one and tug.

Vaguely, you can tell that Seokjin is shooting rapid looks between you and Taehyung, looking like some sort of bobblehead in 100mph winds. Suddenly, a Grinch-like grin takes over his face. “Why don’t you crazy kids get some more wine? I need to talk to Yoongi...” Seokjin slips away.

In hindsight, you should have immediately been tipped off that Seokjin was up to no good. Seokjin seeking out Yoongi? Nothing good ever comes from that.

And you were right. Not twenty minutes later, you and Taehyung are both stuttering messes underneath a hastily tapped up branch of mistletoe - at least that’s what Seokjin’s calling it. You think it looks like a clump of grass with a grape thrown in there.

Just as you start to tell Taehyung that he doesn’t have to feel pressured by your lame friends, he cups your face in his hands and lowers his lips to yours.

Fucking magic.

There aren’t fireworks or sparks. There’s a whole blazing inferno between the two of you.

Your hands slide up his back, tangling in the curls at the nape of his neck. Taehyung lets out a small gasp as your fingers tug on his locks, and you slowly slide your tongue across his lower lip.

“Uh, okay… Hello? Hey, guys!”

Finally, Yoongi slams together two pans from the kitchen, jolting you both away from each other in fright.

“Break that shit up,” Yoongi shoots a glare at a grinning Seokjin. “I did not sign up for that level of PDA, Jin.”

“I can’t predict love, Yoongi-ah. I can only bring lovers together,” Jin sighs, clasping his hands over his heart dramatically. Yoongi pinches Seokjin in the side, immediately instigating a fight.

Taehyung reclaims your attention, shyly intertwining his pinky with yours. In the midst of all the chaos around you, he just looks at you like you are the only thing that matters.

Present Day: The Christmas Party, 9:02PM

“I don’t know how you survive when he looks at you like that. I’m practically melting just being in proximity of the two of you.”

Your friend Ciana’s comment pulls your attention away from your demon of an ex as he strides by, leveling you with a calculated smolder.

It’s a look that says he’s going to fuck you up in the best way - the way that used to leave you weak in the knees and covered in hickies. Taehyung’s fuck me eyes are your kryptonite. He knows it. You know it. The whole party knows it. Hence, it makes sense how he’s shamelessly using them any fucking chance he can just to mess with you.

It’s practically a fulltime job pretending it doesn't affect you. And it's a job you are failing at miserably.

You sigh and take a big sip of your drink. “Oh, I'm not surviving,” You confess, “This is just a hologram image of me. I’m practically clear across the country by now.”

Ciana laughs, “Girl, I don't blame you, but I have to say… He looks like he would follow you anywhere.”

You scoff. There was a time where you would wholeheartedly agree. Since your first meeting, Tae made you feel like you were the center of his universe.

After talking all night at Seokjin’s party, you exchanged numbers and within a few days Tae asked you out.

Your first date was to an art gallery. The two of you spent hours there, studying art and exchanging soft murmured interpretations. You would often catch Taehyung staring at you instead of at the paintings decorating the walls, and it made you feel all warm and fuzzy.

The dates continued until Taehyung managed to gather up the courage to ask you to be exclusive - his words, not yours. You hadn’t believed that he could ever have doubted your answer. But in hindsight, you probably should have doubted him.

Things were great for a while. No - they were better than great. They were the best eight months of your fucking life. Until they weren’t.

“Why did y’all break up again?” Ciana asks, pulling your attention to her once more.

You let a bitter laugh escape. “You’ll have to ask him that.”

Flashback: The Break-Up, August

“I want to see other people.”

The words strike you like a serrated blade. The plate you’re washing falls into the sink with a clatter. Your heart stills in your chest.

“What?” For a second you believe that you must have misheard him. Only he crushes that hope into dust within seconds.

“I said I want to see other people.” Taehyung repeats, a bit louder.

“You mean like taking a break?” You refuse to turn around and face him. You refuse to believe that your relationship is crumbling down. Your mind tries to grasp at straws. “Or trying ethical non-monogamy?”

“No, (y/n),” Taehyung sighs, “I mean that I want to break up.”

“But why? I don’t understand.” The tears begin to sting your eyes as you blink rapidly, trying to make sense of the blindside that Taehyung just threw at you. “What did I do? How can I fix this?”

“You can’t, okay?” The exasperation in his voice is palpable. “I’m bored here. I feel tied down. We’re both so young... How can we know we’re right for each other when there’s so many other people out there?”

“Where the hell is this coming from?” You seethe, finally whirling to face him. Taehyung flinches when he sees your tearstained face but you persevere and continue, “I bore you? That’s sure not what it seemed like two days ago when you were fucking me against the wall of that club bathroom.”

“Things change,” Taehyung scowls, “I need to explore other options, (y/n), and I think you should, too.”

Your heart is breaking, a fissure splitting it right down the middle. “You want to explore other options,” You repeat, in a deadpan voice. “Do you already have someone in mind?”

The split second pause Taehyung takes is all you need to know the answer to that.

“Get out.”

“(Y/n), it wasn’t the only reason!” Taehyung scrambles to explain. “We haven’t even done anything yet!”

“Oh, you’re a ‘we’ already? Fuck you, Kim Taehyung.”

“No! That’s not what I meant!”

“Well, I hope you’re happy with them. I hope they don’t bore you or tie you down. I hope you’re right for each other. I hope youre fucking happy with yourself and your decision.”

“Can’t we still be friends?”

You don’t deem that question worthy enough of an answer and slam your front door in the face of the person who ten minutes ago had been the love of your life.

Present Day: The Christmas Party, 10:21PM

The amount of love in the room is making your stomach turn. You watch as your coupled up friends exchange presents and kisses. You’re so happy for each and every one of them, don’t get you wrong. You just can’t help but feel increasingly alone with each passing minute.

Felix notices the dip in your mood and nudges you, “Hey. You okay?”

“Yeah,” You snuggle deeper into his side. Thank god for Felix. “Thanks for coming with me to this shindig. It would have been hard to be alone this year.”

“No worries, babe. Besides, how else am I gonna get Alicia to go out with me?”

You laugh at Felix’s words. The boy was oblivious to the fact that Alicia had already approached you to ask if he was single. Sometimes you enjoy your diabolical mind. “Oh, she’ll definitely go out with you,” You reply, pinching his cheek, “Who could resist this face?”

“You did. Three years ago,” Felix whines, shoving your hand away from him playfully.

“Sadly you’re not my type, pretty boy,” You sigh. It truly was sad. Felix is the nicest human you know - besides Seokjin. The fact that you're not interested just reinforces the idea that you have terrible taste in men.

“You’re thinking about him again, aren’t you?”

“I don’t know who you could possibly be referring to,” You sniff, turning away.

“Oh, I don’t know… Maybe the guy that hasn’t stopped circling you like a fucking shark in water since we got here?”

“He has not,” You retort, rolling your eyes.

“A-ha! So you do know exactly who I’m referring to, you little liar!”

“Goddamnit,” You laugh. “I need another drink to put up with you. You want a refill?” You gesture towards his cup.

“Nah, I’m good,” Felix shakes his head. You nod and head over to the kitchen, thankfully seeing no sign of ‘Shark Boy’.

But you spoke too soon, because just as you’re reaching up for a new mug you feel him.

“Is that little boy out there your boyfriend? I didn’t think you were dating anyone,” A rough voice growls from entirely too close to your ear.

You turn your head and shoot your best side-eye at the asshole who’s heated stare is aimed straight down at you. You internally curse at the unfortunate fact that Kim Taehyung somehow still can manage to look gorgeous in a bright red sweater with a whole-ass Santa beard stitched to its collar. You have never hated him more given that you look like a hot mess of a Christmas tree that no one wants to climb.

“I don’t see how that is any of your business, Kim,” You retort, turning around again and grabbing a glass from the cabinet. You can feel his warmth surrounding you as he grabs the mug for you instead, his body pushed up against yours.

“Move,” You order, your voice shaking slightly. But instead of listening, Tae grabs your hips and turns you around, caging you in between his arms.

“See, you’re wrong, (y/n),” His eyes dart from your own to your lips, “Everything that concerns you is my business. It has since the moment I met you, and it hasn’t stopped since.”

The incredulous snort escapes you before you can attempt to rein it in, “Taehyung, you broke up with me! I’m pretty sure that means you consider me old news and - above all - none of your fucking business.”

“And I told you I made a mistake!” Taehyung leans closer, his jaw ticking.

“You were drunk!” You stab a finger into his admittedly toned chest that you can feel even through that abominable Santa beard, “And it took you two fucking months to say that, only to never bring it up again. So excuse me if I find your argument lacking.”

“Fuck,” Taehyung curses softly, running a hand through his mess of curls, “I miss that smart mouth.”

“Yeah?” Your response flies out too fast for your brain to check your words, “Well I miss being enough for you.”

Taehyung looks stricken. “Baby…” He reaches for you but you duck past him and beeline straight for Jimin’s bathroom. Locking yourself inside, you slide to the floor and contemplate your chances of sneaking out the tiny bathroom window just like you did that night some months ago.

Flashback: A Streetcar Named WTF, October

A harsh banging sound jolts you awake. “What the fuck,” You mumble, fumbling around blindly trying to find your phone amidst the blankets and pillows surrounding you.

Finally, your hand locates the small metal device and you switch your screen on. Your eyes immediately shut at the brightness and you muster up the will to peek at the time.

3:12AM.

Who the hell dares to pound on your door at this hour? What is this - A Streetcar Named Desire? Well, slap your ass and call you Blanche because this asshole is about to feel your wrath.

Stomping over to your door, you swing it open and say, “There’s no Stella here, Stanley. Fuck off.”

While you don’t find a drunk Marlon Brando on your doorstep, you do find a drunk Taehyung.

“Who the fuck’s Stanley?” Tae glares, trying to cross his arms but failing somehow.

“Good lord, Taehyung,” You groan, grabbing his arm and dragging him inside your apartment, “You smell like a whole goddamn brewery. How did you even end up here?”

“Walked,” He says proudly while smiling down at your hand on his arm like an idiot. “Who’s Stamplee? I mean, Stangfree.”

You pinch your nose with your free hand. This boy… Ignoring his idiocy completely, you question, “You walked?” You push him down onto your couch and head into your kitchen to grab him some water.

“Yup! All by myself! Are you proud of me? Sandflea could never!”

You jump. Somehow Tae still managed to sneak up behind you while drunk out of his mind.

“Kim Taehyung, sit your drunk ass down.” You jab a finger in the direction of the couch he just vacated.

“But you’re so far away when I sit all the way over there, baby,” He pouts, giving you puppy dog eyes. “And I’m not drunk!”

You don’t dignify his words with a response. Handing the glass of water to the problem currently sprawled out on your couch, you sigh. What are you going to do with him? He can’t stay here… But he’s in no shape to walk back to wherever the fuck he came from.

“Tell me, Kim, why did you think that walking to my apartment of all places was a good idea? I could have moved!” Disdain drips from every syllable, “Is anything going on in that brain of yours? If so, it’s clearly not making any sense.”

“I beg to differ,” Taehyung has the audacity to grin up at you as he continues, “My brain makes perfect sense, baby. You plus me equals three.” His eyebrows wiggle up and down as he swings his hands out, showering you with the glass of water you just handed him.

“Maybe I’ll call you a math tutor along with your Uber,” You mumble as you fight the urge to laugh at the mess of a boy staring up at you from your couch. Grabbing a kitchen towel, you dab the water off of you as best you can. Glancing back down at Tae, you notice his attention has fallen to your chest, where the water he practically threw at you has plastered your tanktop to your skin.

“Hey, eyes up here,” You slap his arm with the damp towel, but he doesn’t even flinch.

“One more minute,” He says, absentmindedly rubbing his arm.

His attention gives you butterflies for a split second before you lock that shit down. You aren’t a fool; you’re fully aware that Taehyung’s the farthest thing from available, but he’s still hot as hell with his muscular stature, his wicked brown eyes, and his full pink lips. And that deep voice… it has shamefully been the fuel of your fantasies for the past few weeks. But that is neither here nor there.

So while his undivided attention always did make you feel fucking incredible, now he’s just a drunk boy who’s acting like he’s never seen nipples before.

“I’m calling you an Uber, okay?” You finally say, grabbing your phone and pulling up the app.

“Can’t I stay here?” Taehyung pouts, “Or will Surley get mad?”

“His name is Stanley,” You automatically reply and then curse as Taehyung lurches to his feet.

“I knew it! Where is he? Where is my replacement? I challenge him to a duel!”

“A duel?” You can’t help but laugh, “On what grounds?”

“For your hand, of course!” Taehyung rapidly glances around your apartment before his eyes land on the broom tucked in the corner of your kitchen. “There’s my sword!”

Before he can take a step towards his ‘sword’, you grab his arm and push him back down onto your couch.

“Wow, you’re strong!” Tae stares up at you adoringly, “And so-o cute. Wanna date?”

“You’re drunk, Tae. Don’t say things like that.” God, he’s going to give you a complex. You had just started getting over him and now he does this? Why is life deadset on fucking you over?

“But I do wanna date you!” Taehyung insists, “Don’t you miss me? Miss us? I still love you. I never stopped.”

“Tae, please stop.”

“I made a mistake, baby, and I wanna fix it. Can you give me a chance? Please?” His brown eyes blink up at you slowly. His lids practically fight to stay open as his words slur together.

The boy is falling asleep. Sighing, you close the Uber app. Looks like you’re housing your ex for the evening.

“I wanna marry you,” He mumbles, “Bought the ring last week. If you can just love me again I’ll be the luckiest…” His words get more and more inaudible. Mumbles about Stanley and revenge and kisses and altars filter through as you place a blanket over his form.

“Goodnight, Tae.” You can’t resist brushing your fingers through his hair. Your heart stutters as he practically leans into your touch like a cat, smiling contentedly.

“We’ll see if you remember this in the morning,” You mutter, setting another glass of water and a bottle of ibuprofen on the coffee table for him when he wakes up.

After making sure Taehyung’s on his side with a bucket for potential incidents, you head back to bed.

When you wake up, he’s nowhere to be found.

Present Day: The Christmas Party, 10:23PM

“(y/n)... baby, please let me in.”

The underlying meaning of those six words is not lost on you. Could you let him in again? Taehyung once held your heart and then he basically smashed it on concrete and backed over it with his car - twice.

“Go away.” Your words sound weak even to your own ears.

“No, I need to talk to you… Please.” His voice breaks on the last word and you cave. Standing you unlock the door and back up. You could have a logical and reasonable discussion with Tae and get some closure, leaving all feelings out of it. Maybe...

“Two minutes,” You declare, “Nothing more.”

“But–”

You cut him off, “1:55…” You tap your foot and smile as Taehyung shoots you a look.

“Fine,” He rubs the back of his neck, peeking up at you under his lashes. “I got scared, okay?”

Your disbelief must show all over your face because he continues.

“Yeah, I was scared - fucking terrified of how much I feel for you. How in love with you I am. How can it be that easy to find your soulmate? It didn’t make any sense to me. And then Pia began to show an interest in me and I convinced myself it was a good idea to distance myself from you. To see other people. To try to make sense of my feelings.”

You hold up a hand. “So, you’re saying that you broke up with me because you were ‘too in love with me?’ What the fuck kind of selfish bullshit is that, Taehyung? You broke my fucking heart for someone you didn’t even like because you were scared I was your soulmate? Don’t you see how that just makes me feel like shit?”

Taehyung sinks to his knees. “(Y/n), baby, please. I am so sorry. I fucked up in the worst, most selfish way possible. It kills me that I broke your heart.”

“Ugh, get up, you drama king.” You pull him to his feet, continuing, “Why did you leave after that night? You said all those things when you were drunk and then just left.”

“Yeah, I kind of don’t remember what I said or how I even ended up at your place.” A blush takes over his face, “It’s so embarrassing you had to see me like that and I kind of just wanted to forget it happened. And I really hoped that you forgot it did, too. I didn’t expect you to just keep acting like you forgot my existence altogether.”

“What does that mean? I see you all the time, Tae! We’re in the same friend group for god’s sakes. We’re around each other all the time… Maybe even too much.” You mumble the last few words, but he catches them.

“Too much? You avoid me at all costs! You don’t smile at me anymore. You don’t even look at me most times! It kills me that all I get from you now is ice, when I know you have so much fire.”

His words confuse you. So he does want you back? Your friends weren’t exaggerating? A small burst of hope swells inside you, but the memory of the break-up outweighs it. “You don’t even know me though, Taehyung. Not anymore.”

“No. You’re wrong,” Taehyung leans closer to you, and you take a step back. Your back bumps up against the sink, your plastic ornaments adorning your sweater clinking awkwardly.

Tae brushes a stray hair behind your ear, his eyes begging you to listen, “I do know you. I know that you still take your coffee black with caramel. I know that you started doing yoga but are too proud to admit you hate it. I know that you came to my art show last month but left before I could talk to you alone. I know that you–”

“Stop,” Your voice trembles, “Please, I can’t. Taehyung, you hurt me so fucking much. Don’t you get that? I just started feeling whole again. So if I let you back in and you hurt me, I might shatter completely.”

His hands cup your face gently, wiping away a tear you hadn’t even realized had fallen. “I won’t ever hurt you again, baby. Please give me one more chance. That’s all I need. I want to keep you forever, (y/n)... I bought you a ring, did I tell you that when I was drunk? I think I did. I still have it. It’s yours - just like my heart.”

“God, you’re still so fucking cheesy,” You can’t hold back your smile even though more tears are falling down your cheeks.

And then his lips are on yours.

Taehyung kisses you like you're the most precious thing in the universe. Like you might break in the palm of his hand if he’s not careful enough. And maybe you will. But for right now, you melt into him.

He tastes like home.

Taehyung’s touch is tentative at first. His hands slide into your hair, tugging you even closer. You feel like you might burst, feeling so many emotions. Love. Fear. Confusion. Hope. You hook your leg around him, wanting him pressed against you everywhere.

Taehyung groans and one of his hands drops down to grab your thigh, wrapping it more securely around his waist. “Jump, baby,” He mumbles into your lips, and you listen automatically.

He perches you on the edge of the sink, kisses you deeply, and then sinks back down to his knees.

“Tae–” You protest, as he runs his hands slowly up your calves.

“I haven’t tasted you in so long, baby,” His dark eyes burn into yours, “Please don’t let me go another minute without you on my tongue.”

Fuck. Well, you can’t argue with that. When Tae sees you open your legs a bit more, he grins up at you and places a quick kiss on the inside of your knee.

His touch becomes more frantic as he moves up, his mouth placing hot kisses higher and higher.

When he sees the lacy red panties you have on, he snaps, lunging forward and hitching your thigh over his shoulder. Pushing your underwear to the side, his hot mouth is on you, closing over your clit without warning. You gasp as he sucks your bud into his mouth, lapping at it with his tongue.

Your hand winds its way into his curls, pushing him harder against you. He moans into your pussy. “So fucking wet for me, baby. God, I love you.”

Taehyung places a soft kiss on your inner thigh before his tongue returns to lick at your pussy, up and down. His tongue sinks into you, making your hips buck against his face. His hand shoots up to steady you as his tongue continues to flick in and out of you.

The sight of the boy you never stopped loving tongue deep in your pussy almost pushes you over the edge already. “Ta-ae,” You moan, hand tugging at his hair, “Harder, baby, please.”

Your words have their desired effect as he replaces his tongue with two of his fingers and places his mouth back on your clit. You moan as his fingers curl inside you, brushing your walls.

The first few strokes of his fingers are slow. Too slow for your liking, “Taehyung, fuck me with your fingers.”

A rumble moves up his chest as he obeys, pushing another finger deep inside of you. “Fuck, baby,” He curses and begins to thrust his fingers in and out of your pussy, “You feel even better than I remember, so goddamn wet.”

His mouth finally returns to your clit, his tongue flicking over it every so often. You’re hurtling towards your orgasm as his long fingers continue to pound into you and his mouth continues to lick at your pussy.

You feel the heat building up and you come with a gasp. Taehyung continues to fuck you with his fingers and his mouth, carrying you through your orgasm until you slump back against the mirror above the sink.

Taehyung grins up at you, licking up everything you gave him. Finally, you gently push him off you. Still licking his fingers clean, Taehyung’s eyes sparkle up at you, “Well? Wanna get married?”

“Oh my god,” You burst out laughing, hopping off the sink onto shaky legs. “Why don’t you start by wooing me? We’ll go from there.”

“Challenge accepted.”

You blink.

Taehyung smiles. His wild dark curls are sticking up in random places - courtesy of your hands. His eyes are full of their usual sinful promises, but this time they also hold excitement and a tiny spark of hope. “Prepare to be wooed, wifey.”

“Fuck off,” You laugh, quickly fixing your hair in the mirror before smoothing down your sweater dress.

Nodding at your semi-acceptable reflection, you swing the door open to reveal just about every person from the party collectively gathered just outside.

“I knew it!” Seokjin shrieks. “Where’s my mistletoe?”

“My poor bathroom!” Jimin cries, “Defiled! Desecrated!”

“Why am I friends with you all?” Yoongi asks no one in particular.

“Well,” Tae whispers in your ear, “At least we won’t have to tell them, right?”

You smile despite the embarrassing situation and nod. This Christmas might just be your best yet.

a/n: sorry that this is late and severely unedited LOL plz be kind, this is my first fic back and YA GIRL IS RUSTY

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