#this show is not bereft of funny moments

[crisp-sweet-pink-lady]

That genuinely got a laugh out of me.

[btr-rewatch]

Big Time Rush Season 1, Episode 16: “Big Time Fever”

Highlights: Orange!James, Bongo!Logan, and Jennifer!Carlos

Also, some ramblings about each of the boys' various emotional dysfunctions.

I feel like this is one of those episodes that typically makes the list of people's favorites. Let's see if it's still as funny as I remember it being.

We begin at the Palm Woods pool. The guys are eager to beat the heat but discover the pool empty, save for Bitters, who is floating around happily. Why? He's put up a sign which reads, "Adult Swim No kids allowed"

Well, guess what. Our clever Kendall takes advantage of the lack of punctuation and creates his own loophole. He swiftly changes it to, "Adult swim? No, kids allowed!"

This is a scene I've always remembered, and it's one of my favorite Kendall moments in general. He's such a menace (affectionate). No rules can confine him.

As a quick little side note: can I just point out how dinky the pool actually is? For a place like the Palm Woods, home of the "future famous", it sure has a teeny tiny pool. It's like...the size of a regular backyard in ground pool, not something that would be at an upscale apartment complex. Just something that's always irrationally bugged me.

Camille comes over and says how great it is that Hollywood hasn't changed the guys, since the environment usually takes its toll on people after a few months. But Kendall, Carlos, and Logan are still the same lovable goofballs they've always been.

Oh, and then James shows up, and he's orange.

He's come down with a raging case of Hollywood Fever. Camille shares that Guitar Dude and The Jennifers met the same fate, becoming permanently altered by the "illness." Kendall decides it's nonsense and attempts to shut this whole business down right away.

"James, you're orange, and you look like a freak," he says. I love Kendall so much.

Unfortunately, the heartfelt, sensitive words have no effect on James, who thinks he looks great.

There's also a B plot going on involving Katie taking advantage of the heat wave by selling snow cones, but idk how much of that I'll cover. I don't remember if it's all that interesting. Guess we'll see as I keep watching.

Later on, at the studio, Kelly and Gustavo are reacting as expected to Orange!James.

Gustavo pulls them aside for a chat, telling them that the image he's going for with the band is NOT, "Three normal boys and a tangerine freak."

Tangerine Freak would be a good band name.

Gustavo orders Kendall, Carlos, and Logan to fix James before he replaces him.

After learning the tanning spray dissolves with water, the guys arm themselves with water guns and set out to hunt their orange friend down. Carlos goes to the pool, where he runs into The Jennifers, who are missing one member (she's gone to Iceland). Bereft without their friend, the remaining Jennifers note that Carlos is the right height to fill her role. So, yeah. Carlos is a Jennifer now.

Back in the lobby, Kendall and James engage in a Matrix-style battle in which James successfully dodges the water gun, and Kendall soaks everyone in the lobby.

Over at the park, Logan's own efforts to find and fix James are quickly thwarted when he has a brief conversation with Guitar Dude and is promptly sucked in by the alluring power of bongos.

Also, it's hilarious to me how easily Logan does a 180 personality-wise. He shows up with his water gun all serious, prepared to help turn James back to his normal, non-orange self, but Guitar Dude is all, "Hey, man, what's the point? Let James be orange if that's what he wants. How about you chill out and find Logan."

And that's all Logan needs.

Anyway, we return to the pool, where Carlos is having second thoughts about becoming a Jennifer. He claims he's too nice, to which the girls work to convince him being nice gets him walked all over. They tell him the only people who make it in Hollywood are the ruthless ones. This convinces Carlos that he should stick with them and become a "tiger shark."

After another disastrous recording session, Gustavo sees how serious the problem has become. He, Kelly, and Kendall decide to divide and conquer, but not before Gustavo yells at Kendall for not taking charge and being able to fix things.

Which like. Ok. Kendall's the most level-headed one, the leader, etc. And this is me reading too much into a kids show again, but this poor guy! It's not enough that Kendall personally puts the pressure on himself to be the Fixer of Everyone's Problems Always—he regularly has that pressure put on him from the people around him too.

When is it Kendall's turn to be taken care of? When does HE get to rest and not have to manage the lives and decisions of his family and friends?? Huh??? WHEN?

One by one, each of their plans fail. Kendall's attempt to lure Logan back to Normal-ville using math has no impact whatsoever, the therapist hired for James ends up a similar shade of orange, and Carlos resists Kelly's shopping cart slingshot with the help of the Jennifers. But! It should be noted that of the three boys, Carlos is the ONLY one who wavers. He really wants to join in on the fun, and if not for the Jennifers, he likely would have.

So, we've got James, who is masking his own feelings of insecurity and inadequacy by covering himself with orange tanning spray. Logan, who desperately needed permission to shed his anxious, uptight, genius status but swung way too far into hippie mode. And Carlos, who (deep down) feels ignored and "less than," and quickly fell into the world the Jennifers offered him: one of status and importance and leadership. Then there's Kendall, who has NOT fallen victim to Hollywood Fever because he's carefully constructed a very secure wall around himself that won't allow him to be anything but the strong, responsible "man in charge" that he's had to be since he was a child and his dad walked out.

Or, as Gustavo says, Kendall "has a normal brain, and his friends have the brain of a cricket."

Listen, Kendall is a lot of things, but normal isn't one of them.

Kendall firmly rejects Gustavo's offer to go solo and announces he's going to the ice rink to think things through. This is a lightbulb moment for Kelly, who realizes that Kendall's connection to his roots has been the factor that saved him. They decide to save Carlos, Logan, and James through the Power of a Snowball Fight.

Turns out, all three cricket-brains just needed to be pelted by some ice in order to shed their newfound personas.

And with that, all is set right with the world again.

This is one of the best episodes of the first season, though it does lend itself to additional questions. Was this a one-and-done battle with Hollywood Fever, or did the group have to face it any time homesickness reared its head? What about Guitar Dude and The Jennifers? Did anyone try to cure them? Did any of the boys find themselves mourning that brief period in time when they weren't "themselves"? Carlos and Logan especially! Because those feelings must have still been there. Carlos still has those feelings of being pushed to the side and forgotten about. Not being considered important. And Logan still needs an outlet for all the stress he deals with on a regular basis—the pressure of being the Smart One.

And James. Well, I don't quite know about James. There is a LOT going on there. Super confident facade, the whole pretty-boy thing going for him. Determined and passionate and full of himself. But he's not. He's scared, deep down. He doesn't know who he is if he's not the most talented or the coolest or the most handsome. Part of him wants to hide away under several layers of Cuda Mangerine Action Tan Spray. There's also, like...other stuff I wonder about with James, like his tumultuous upbringing—super controlling, always put-together, superficial mother and a father who (I think) ended up with a much younger woman? I might be making that up. But I do know that his parents had such a bitter divorce that they didn't even speak. James is also an only child! That is...a lot to deal with growing up, and I'm sure there was damage done.

Not to mention any additional hardships James had to deal with growing up as someone whose personality and interests often skewed from what one might consider "traditionally male." I'm sure he was protected as much as possible by his buds, but there might have been times bullies still made their way through—finding an easy target in the boy who was so into fashion and modeling and had dreams of being a pop star.

Anyway! I hope Mama Knight (who was completely absent from this ep) heard of the day's events and sat with each of the boys to have a heart-to-heart. They certainly all needed it.

[glorious-sunset]

Reflections on Ep. 5 of LBFAD on rewatch

Arbiter Hall, Day 4: DongFang QingCang (DFQC), after a torturous morning collecting dew drop by drop for Xiao Lanhua (XLH), finds her and the plant spirits gleefully celebrating his departure!! He has many enemies who scheme behind his back and want to kill him, is aware of Shiyuntian’s unflattering propaganda around him, and never gave these insults a second thought. But when XLH says that “even the air becomes clearer” without him around, it is like a sharp stab to his gut. When even the thoughts of the mightiest kings don’t bother him, why should the words of an inconsequential little flower?

XLH’s relief at his disappearance soon turns to sadness and worry. She misses Da Qiang terribly, and wonders if he is back at Haotian Tower. She knows he had been imprisoned for tens of thousands of years – how much longer would he have to stay if he went back? He is a good man and doesn’t deserve it. The plant spirits go to sleep and she feels bereft – until DFQC presents her with her morning dew! He looks more breathtakingly handsome than ever in a new set of robes and smells intoxicating from his fragranced bath.

DFQC tries hard to be patient with her requests to make the dew more palatable. When he blows on it to cool it down, it reminds her of her master Siming blowing on her porridge when she is sick. Since Siming left, nobody ever lifted a finger to care for her until now. Da Qiang promises to collect dew for her every day from now on – but how can she accept his kindness? Her heart belongs to Changheng (CH) doesn’t it? She is torn.

DFQC overdoes everything that the Xilan scroll suggests in his attempts to heal XLH! The amount of dew he collects is several times the amount she would normally drink, his efforts to keep her warm take him to the volcanic magma of Cangyan Sea, and only the best place will do to see the sunrise – the home of his enemy! :D It would be easier if he took her back to Cangyan Sea, let his medics attend to her, and retrieved his Jade Ring to block her emotions. He could then coerce her to fix the destiny leaf without emotional fallout. But the scroll said that the roots of the Xilan holy plant should not be moved except on particular days.

Yunzhong Water Pavillion: Yunzhong admonishes CH for ignoring his arranged marriage to the Goddess and for keeping another woman’s handkerchief. CH is dutifully shamed, discarding the Immortal Pill that he had poured his spirit’s vitality into creating over the last three days for XLH. If only he knew that XLH was actually his fiancée! :D Too funny.

Arbiter Hall: DFQC has been away all day and XLH, worried for his safety, has stayed up long past her usual bedtime to wait for him. When he returns and approaches her in her bedroom late at night, she retreats nervously. His proximity feels dangerous and exciting. He offers her the spark of Eternal Flame from the magma of Cangyan Sea, and is pleased when she recognises it from her books. But how could he have entered such a dangerous and distant place just to keep her warm – what if he had lost his life?!

Fountain Palace: CH reminisces about the momentous day he spent with XLH 500 years ago, which he then wiped from her memory without her consent!! There are many striking parallels between his history with XLH and DFQC’s continuing story with her. XLH did not know the true identity of either CH nor DFQC, but showed kindness to them both simply because of her caring nature. To CH, aggrieved by the attentions of simpering fairies chasing him for his fortune and status, this was the purest form of kindness he ever knew. XLH cured both men with her Xilan magic – for CH, this involved healing his physical wounds. CH appeared to have been mortally wounded and it is possible that she saved his life. For DFQC, she healed the damage to his Tree of Emotions, and mended his relationships with his father and brother. XLH is also the first person to try to protect either of these men, who everyone else relied on to protect them but were never offered care and protection themselves. In ep. 8 she protectively wraps DFQC in her arms in her attempt to save him from CH and his troops. What a woman! CH and DFQC never stood a chance. Also, CH, you are an idiot :D

Arbiter Hall, Day 5: It’s still dark when DFQC enters XLH’s room to take her to see the sunrise. Of course she’s reluctant to get up, lazy creature that she is, but the first rays of the sun are vital to her recuperation. Let’s see, she can’t go dressed in her nightclothes. He creates a soft and feminine lavender gown for her in keeping with her preference for light-coloured clothes, and gorgeous pastel hair accessories to match. Amazing!! We’ve seen him magically change his own clothes in ep. 2 and he does the same for her now. The next thing she knows, they are flying up, up, up, faster than she has ever travelled before and it is scary but exhilarating! Her arms encircle DFQC tightly and she feels safe in his embrace.

The lavender gown that DFQC created is the most beautiful out of all of XLH’s Fairy Realm outfits. The sleeves fall in soft, translucent frills, the bodice is lavender and the skirt is a collage of multiple pastel hues. His impeccable taste in fashion isn’t limited to his own wardrobe! (you can be my fairy godmother any time DFQC! :D ) This dress becomes XLH’s favourite; she wears it for the fairies’ examination in ep. 6 for good luck, and is seen wearing it in two scenes in the LBFAD end credits :D

Yunzhong Water Pavillion: DFQC watches with wicked amusement as XLH, not realising they are concealed by his invisibility cloak, panics at the sight of the heavenly soldiers approaching. They are now physically very comfortable with each other, and she grabs his waist, his arm, his wrist, as she tries to hide behind him and persuade him to leave before even more powerful high celestials arrive and capture them!

DFQC has to admit that the home of his arch-enemy is beautiful. But this reminds him that the Shuiyuntian dictators greedily hoard the best locations for themselves; they determine the class of others based solely on the status they were born into, and not on their personal merits. In Cangyan Sea, anyone can rise in status if they work hard enough and show potential. Shuiyuntian oppresses any member of the Moon Tribe simply because they are labelled as Moon Tribe – no other crime is necessary. In the lead up to the Battle of Two Tribes, Shuiyuntian had been cruelly and unnecessarily using their spirit-vanishing arrow formation (mentioned by his father in ep. 16) against the Moon Tribe, which meant that those they destroyed could never reincarnate and their spirits would never be at peace. The Moon Tribe had had no counter to their genocidal attacks until DFQC learned to control Hellfire.

They teleport to a romantic private balcony bordered with flowers just in time to catch the first rays of the rising sun. It’s the first sunrise XLH has ever seen! She can’t believe how beautiful the view is from the highest point in Shiyuntian! Not even high gods are allowed up here without being summoned by Yunzhong. To her enormous excitement, Cloud Whale, whom she has regularly spoken to over the past thousand years but never seen in person, makes an appearance!! Da Qiang made this possible for her, and she can’t help but love him for it.

Her radiant smile and soft, tender gaze upon him captivates him. From this moment, he is unable to take his eyes off her, and a smile tugs at the corner of his mouth! :D Even the flowers on the balcony bloom in response to XLH’s happiness. Unknowingly, the two of them are by now completely enchanted by each other.

Arbiter Hall: XLH takes the Universe Pill that Jieli gave her, and both she, and DFQC in response, experience excruciating stomach pains (shame on you Jieli! :P ). While DFQC dispels fire energy from her stomach, she tells him that despite being a grouch, he is not a bad person. “Within the three realms, nobody is worse than me!” he declares, followed soon after by “if you feel sad, I feel sad too” :D He roughly pulls a blanket over her on his way out – this small but very significant gesture is not born from the necessity to heal her, but from a new desire within him to care for her. He was trained to be ruthless, nobody taught him how to be kind, but from this point on he is slowly learning how. In ep. 8, he roughly brushes a tear from her cheek, and his small gestures of kindness only continue to become smoother and gentler.

Unfortunately, XLH continues to be sad while missing Siming and the hundred flower soup she used to make for her and DFQC can no longer stand it! His face keeps crying and it is distracting him from his reading!! How hard can it be to make soup? He is not familiar with the kitchen equipment but has some experience with cooking over a campfire. So, he uses his hellfire to create a campfire on the rooftop. Bad idea, as smoke goes everywhere and flowers burn in the cooking pot :D But, XLH is overjoyed at his thoughtful efforts to cheer her up, which are well outside his comfort zone! He reminds her more and more of her master Siming, who was the dearest and most important person to her. All of the flowers in the greenhouse now bloom in response to her joy and affection (only two flowers bloomed for CH, in ep. 1 :P )

Here is a link to my episode 6 review (contains spoilers). All of my LBFAD articles and episode reviews can be viewed with the tag #lbfad reflections (hyperlinked) and the table of contents to these is here.

[monotonous-minutia]

final thoughts i guess

you just walk into this production thinking it's weird and kind of silly. but then it just works? and it's funny how well it works. and you keep thinking well, eventually it's going to stop working. this opera is so Out There and this concept is so involved.

but it just. stays. good.

it doesn't run out of steam after act 3, like so many productions of this opera do. it fully embraces the weirdness of Giulietta's act. I mean Kayes' version of this act is like a fever dream anyway. why not run with it?

one of the things about it that really gets me is how it shows us Hoffmann's struggle with addiction and how it affects the people around him, particularly those he's closest to, in this case Nicklausse and Stella.

from the start it's clear these two have a rivalry. they both love Hoffmann and neither wants the other to be the center of his attention. but they're professionals and co-workers. they put pettiness aside. at one point Stella even helps the Muse write one of their songs. and when it comes down to it, when Hoffmann has hit rock bottom, the only thing to them that matters is his health and safety. they join forces to try and get him back to reality.

Nicklausse has been with Hoffmann in this from the beginning. he's there when Hoffmann takes his first illicit drug and watches as that one mistake slowly starts to pick Hoffmann's life apart. Hoffmann was young and naive and didn't know what he was doing. Nicklausse watched and rolled his eyes. he didn't stop it. now he has to watch as Hoffmann starts to crumble.

Nicklausse follows Hoffmann throughout his career. they work side by side as Hoffmann's success grows. as his relationship with Stella grows. Nicklausse watches. he doesn't interfere. he's jealous and heartsick but he doesn't know how to reach out, how to show Hoffmann this love and devotion he's had before either of them even knew. he tries, but Hoffmann doesn't see.

he waits. and he watches as Hoffmann's addiction grows. he's there the moment it tears his life apart. he sees the end of Hoffmann's relationship with Stella and the end of his career. Hoffmann falls and Nicklausse catches. he didn't stop it before so all he can do now is be there and love and protect.

but it's hard. Hoffmann is hard.

Hoffmann is ruined. he loses his job and the love of his life. he's homeless, bereft, and isolated. but Nicklausse follows. he follows as Hoffmann sinks deeper and deeper down. Hoffmann drowns himself in drinks and drugs until he doesn't know what's real anymore. Nicklausse tries to pull him out, over and over again. no matter how many times he's hurt. no matter how many times Hoffmann hurts him. because he loves him. he needs to be there. nothing is more important to him.

Stella tries too. She may not forgive Hoffmann for his earlier actions, but she still cares about him and she's a good human being. She taps in when Nicklausse is near his own breaking point. She tries to bring him back, tries to help Hoffmann step back into reality, realize that it isn't all over, this isn't the way to cope. people care about him and want him to be okay.

but he's too far gone, and she can't keep trying anymore. her health and safety is at risk now too, and she can't help someone who's refusing to help himself.

Nicklausse stays.

He stays and watches over him. he catches him when he falls and holds him when he breaks. he helps pick the pieces back up.

Hoffmann sees him.

He sees him but he doesn't know what to do. this has been his life for so long. he doesn't know who he is anymore and how to cope without the crutch he's carried so long.

but every time he reaches out Nicklausse is there. and he will not let go.

Hoffmann has hit rock bottom and there's nowhere left to go. but there's someone here beside him who's always been there. the person who's stuck with him through it all, who's loved him and protected him and never asked for anything in return. who stayed no matter how many times Hoffmann turned away.

Hoffmann has been fighting for his life. when he lets go of his ghosts, he can breath. and Nicklausse is there. he will always be there.

Hoffmann is ready to start again. he goes back to what he used to love. writing and creating. making stories. sharing his creativity with the world.

it's not going to be easy and he knows that. but he has someone who will always be at his side.

Stella is there too. She may forgive him, but she won't truly open up to him again. She wants to see him succeed, but she's chosen her own path. it's her own story. the part she plays in his isn't over, but it's not as big.

But Nicklausse is there and will always be there. he will stay through the fights, through the doubt, the pain, the anger, the withdrawals, the relapses, the effort, the successes, the joy, the triumph.

maybe Hoffmann isn't ready to love him yet. but the day will come. they know it will.

but the important thing is that Hoffmann is ready to live again.

and Nicklausse will always be there.

[andmaybegayer]

Last Monday of the Week 2024-03-25

Can't tell if this is allergies or if I'm sick because spring is in the air

Listening: I have been listening to The Layover podcast, the behind the scenes podcast for Jet Lag The Game. I only got into Jet Lag pretty recently because I had Nebula anyway and saw it come up. Great show, both because the premise is great (carefully designed games incorporating travel on the scale of countries) and because they can actually edit this incredibly difficult pile of footage into something readable.

The Behind The Scenes is an interesting mix of talk about the on-the-ground situation of playing the game and the filmmaking that goes on after the fact, there's some cool insight into how and why they edit the way they do and it shows why it works so well.

I think you have to have Nebula to listen to the podcast? It does just spit out an RSS feed if you ask nicely though. Thank you podcasts.

Watching: Actually watched The Gay And Wondrous Life of Caleb Gallo, the video series that launched like two dozen reaction images.

It's funny, it's a well put together indie comedy series. You've probably seen most of the really standout bits already even if you don't know it already but it is worth watching as a time capsule of web comedy, it's less than two hours long all told.

Reading: Started Glory In The Thunder by 0xabad1dea. I don't know what her real name is. I've had GITT in my ebooks library forever, 0xabad1dea is the main reason I got on twitter back in like 2016 (her and a couple other software blogs) and is why my Fediverse feed is still like a quarter security researchers by weight. She's probably one of the most well known static analysis researchers in the world.

Anyway Glory In The Thunder is a gaslamp-ish fantasy, although leaning very fantasy on the gaslamps. Very teenage characters which is whiplash but only because it's been a moment. Lots of very loud characters who announce themselves and their intentions, some fun seven dimensional politics going on, and a lot of jumping back and forth in the histories of the various gods who are constantly hanging around in the plot.

I think @shieldfoss has bugged me to read this before so you'll be glad to know that I am now.

I like this, I'm about halfway through. It's easy to keep track of despite having enough fantasy names to choke a horse, although I should really stop worrying about that, I've read the Shadowdance series you really have to try to beat that one. It's also a free book, you can get it at @gloryinthethunder.

Playing: Got a VR headset. Fidgeting with said headset. Figured out how to do wireless linked VR from Linux and Windows which is good, I should have all the kinks worked out, I'll have to see how I square the onboard capabilities of the Quest 2 with having a PC and fast WiFi.

Making: Finally run through enough smaller prints on the new hotend to feel confident running off the final endcap, so that's done. The parts of the 3D printed NAS case are complete, and I have started my first pass sanding which is going to take a while because PETG is very slippery. Once that's sanded I'll take it in to the shared workshop and run through some primer layers and some paint.

Tools and Equipment: Flat network cable is a godsend if you're running it in open air in a house. Absolutely useless for pulling through walls or running in conduit, and completely bereft of shielding, but having a flat cord that can press up against frames and sideboards really does make it all neater. I ran flat cat6 for all of this.

[bourbon-ontherocks]

so, 305. I hate that there were so many lovable things about it. like the ducks around morgane’s house (bathroom, living room) keeping up with the theme--reminded me of those pictures books where you had to find the duckling hidden on every page! (speaking of; timothée il a un peu une tête d’Où est Charlie nan ? he’s got the stripes + glasses + hair) or the fact that morgane is randomly wearing floaties at the swimming pool 😂 (… maintenant que j’y pense, elle comptait peut-être les piquer pour chloé mdrr)

et les combines de serge. céline giving up on educating morgane on procedure, ptdr. l’employée de l’ehpad qui a un vague air de mylène farmer. [gros canard] still holds the title of HPI’s mr. worldwide. daphné being daphné. ("gilles..? 🤨 euh, oui. GILLES !") gilles STILL being way too good a friend (j’espère que sa psy lui dit), but also how close he was to morgane during the investigation, that was cute!

par contre, 2 trucs qui me hantent : 1) why does [gros canard] seem mesmerized by morgane’s neck while she goes on and on about the kid’s drawing?? 2) morgane’s lack of empathy at the pool. I didn’t expect her to joke about moms murdering each other right in front of the bereft husband 😧

Oh my gosh anon, I'm just so sad that this episode was so tainted and ruined for you 😭 It breaks my heart a little, and also it makes me dread for you, knowing what's coming ahead, but... one shitty plotline at a time, amirite?

Soooooo *cracks knuckles* let's get started 😈

"I hate that there were so many lovable things about it" -> literally me after watching the finale tbh 😂😭

I must say I didn't notice the ducks thingy but thank you for pointing it out, it really is reminiscent of those child books and was a very nice touch (the way this show can switch from absolutely shitty and unsubtle to actually brilliant and clever in the bat of an eye will never cease to baffle me) 😍 The duck jokes at the crime scene were excessively funny too, and the moment Bonnemain enters the game too with a joke that's not even funny?? Peak comedy! And Adam's reaction "Mais vous allez pas vous y mettre vous aussi ?!" -> 200% Artur vibes 😂

100% agreed that Timothée is a human waldo and was intended to be lol (also on en parle de Timothée qui offre le même polo à Théa ?? Who does that? 😂 It's like he asked for her to put it in the mopping supplies... And her general passive-aggressive animosity towards him was SO entertaining!)

And OMG I didn't even notice Morgane had floaties on at the swimming pool, this is hysterical 🤣 And re her lack of compassion, I must say Morgane's relationship with empathy has been a mystery for me since day one, sometimes we get to see her really sympathizing with the victims' families (the daughter in the pilot for instance, or the mall's widow in 201, or even the actual bledigirl), but also sometimes not ("ah bah ça tombe bien puisqu'elle est morte" with the victim's sister in 201), so this scene didn't strike me as particularly ooc, but her characterization regarding this specific personality trait is unclear. I'd say perhaps she tends to lose her compassionate skills when she gets excited about figuring out some stuff?

Serge's cancer kid scam was very fun to watch ("coucou c'est la maman du petit Eliott, bon bah il est mort" 😂), and also I wouldn't have noticed the ehpad employee's similarity with Mylène Farmer but now that you're pointing it out...

Somehow it warms my heart a bit to see you calling Adam [gros canard] this episode, I guess it shows you're on your way to forgive him? But maybe it's just my own wishful thinking lol! Anyway, yes, he also speaks Russian (and not to spoil, but Mehdi Nebbou is gonna keep on bragging in later eps 👅), and remember when I told you that your dream about escaping from Putin was foreshadowing? Well I was talking about this KGB bit haha 😆

No idea why he seems to stare at Morgane's neck in the hospital, perhaps he just can't look her in the eyes nor in the boobs (in his defense, she just talked to him about nipples) so he's stuck in between lol 😅 Or maybe Mehdi just forgot he was acting for a bit and was thinking about dinner or something idk... But there is indeed room for interpretation and I'll go with the most probable option which is that he's just mesmerized by her in general, especially in that episode where he's discovering that he can't stand seeing her with someone else (let's be real, everyone saw that coming but him 😂), so he's probably just staring at her while thinking "what the fuck is wrong with me?"

Daphné and Gilles were the heart and soul of this episode I swear!! I love Daphné's completely clueless but supportive ass, Gilles being so torn between friendships he's gonna break, the fact that he kept the charade going on for TWO MONTHS, the fact that apparently he talks about Morgane to his therapist 🤣, him trying to hide Morgane's presence from Adam at David's (he's the definition of the no-questions-asked friend who'll support you no matter what, we all need a Gilles in our lives 🥰) Daphné being ready to get any disabled but homophobic employee fired (worst idea ever to give her that workplace inclusion responsibility mais je l'a-dore), and also her blind anger towards Morgane, misunderstanding of the CENTURY 🤩🤩🤩

Also, did you notice that Gilles shaved, this ep? The man is such an Adam fangirl he's now cosplaying as him istg 🤣🤣🤣

[EDIT] OMG I JUST FIGURED OUT WHY YOU CALL HIM GROS CANARD ANON YOU ARE A GENIUS IN DISGUISE OK BYYYYYE

[mediaevalmusereads]

A Wizard's Guide to Defenseive Baking. By T. Kingfisher. Red Wombat, 2020.

Rating: 3.5/5 stars

Genre: YA fantasy

Series: N/A

Summary: Fourteen-year-old Mona isn’t like the wizards charged with defending the city. She can’t control lightning or speak to water. Her familiar is a sourdough starter and her magic only works on bread. She has a comfortable life in her aunt’s bakery making gingerbread men dance.

But Mona’s life is turned upside down when she finds a dead body on the bakery floor. An assassin is stalking the streets of Mona’s city, preying on magic folk, and it appears that Mona is his next target. And in an embattled city suddenly bereft of wizards, the assassin may be the least of Mona’s worries…

***Full review below.***

Content Warnings: blood, violence

Overview: This book is my book club's December pick. I was a little apprehensive about picking it up because I did not enjoy my experience with Kingfisher's Paladin's Grace, but I did want to give the author another shot and tried to go in with good faith. After reading this novel, I think I can say that Kingfisher's work just isn't for me. Though I liked A Wizard's Guide more than Paladin's Grace and I think there were a lot of good things happening in this book, Kingfisher's humor/writing style simply doesn't resonate with me, so for that reason, this book only gets 3.5 stars.

Writing: Kingfisher's prose is definitely aimed at younger readers, which is appropriate given that this book is YA. The author tells a little more than she shows and lays things out for readers who, because of their age/reading level, need a but more scaffolding. Again, this isn't bad, but if you are an adult reading YA, it's worth keeping in mind who the audience is.

The humor in this book also seems to be aimed at a younger audience (which again, isn't bad, but the style just isn't for me). I felt like most of the humor could be described as "quirky" or "awkward," and occasionally, it felt like Kingfisher was using the "loud = funny" type of humor. Some people might find this delightful and light-hearted, so I want to stress that this critique is only my subjective interpretation.

There are, however, a few criticisms I can make that have to do with craft. For one, I think Kingfisher can get a little repetitive with word choice. The example that sticks out most is how multiple characters call Mona "girl"; while one character doing it can indicate a speech pattern, two or three characters doing it feels irritating.

For two, I think this book relies on our main character waiting around, which sometimes works and sometimes feels slow. Mona doesn't really want to be a hero, which is fine, but it also means that she has to rely on a lot of other people making decisions for her. I guess one could argue that it's age appropriate - Mona is only fourteen, after all - but I prefer stories where our protagonist takes a little more initiative.

Plot: The plot of this book follows fourteen year old Mona, a wizard who has "baking magic" and finds herself entangled in a string of murders after finding a corpse in her bakery. Mona is originally accused of being the perpetrator because all murders thus far are surrounded by some kind of magic aura; however, Mona quickly learns that the killer isn't a wizard - they are going after wizards, and Mona seems to be next on their list.

The parts I liked most in this plot were moments when Mona receives some new insight regarding how the world works. One of these insights is regarding class; Mona teams up with a 10 year old boy named Spindle, and Spindle is instrumental in helping Mona navigate the world of poverty. Mona is very clearly middle class and believes the constables ("law enforcement") are there to protect her. However, Spindle reveals that different classes of people are treated in different ways, and Mona comes to realize that though lower class people commit crimes (like theft and smuggling), a lot of law-breaking is done in order to survive.

Kingfisher also provides commentary when she writes about things like wizards being on a "registry" or the government failing its citizens ("slapping a medal on someone means you don't have to ask questions or fix what went wrong"). Having magic users as a metaphor for an oppressed group isn't new, but I think combined with the class commentary above, Kingfisher comes pretty close to some kind of intersectional message. The insight into what constitutes "heroism" and how the government fails veterans is also pretty good, and I think Kingfisher deserves credit for the effort and for making these complicated topics more accessible for younger readers.

Still, there were some things that felt a little weak. For example, the whole plot with the Spring Green Man felt a little insignificant, especially once we move from the murder part of the story to the political part. Once we figure out who the Spring Green Man is working for, he becomes something of a non-issue, and even when he does pop up again, his motivations feel petty.

I also think the political plot was uncovered a bit too cleanly, but this could be a necessity given that the book is YA. Our characters don't really need to do any investigation or fact finding to figure out what political forces are at work; they mostly make an educated guess and are pretty spot on (to the point where our antagonist doesn't even deny it). Personally, I would have liked this plot to be a bit more complex, but again, I understand this book is for younger readers.

Characters: Mona, our protagonist, reminded me a lot of the quirky, awkward Disney/Pixar heroine in that Kingfisher takes great pains to make her seem "relatable." Mona is scatter-brained, reluctant to act, and a little impulsive, and I wavered between liking her and being annoyed by her.

Spindle, the 10 year old thief, is somewhat enduring, but I think I would have liked him better if there had been a sense of real connection between him and Mona. To me, it felt like the two were thrown together by circumstance, and though they cared about what happened to the other, the tone of this book meant that their interactions all felt very surface level.

Supporting characters were fine. The Duchess was interesting in that she was willing to admit her faults, even to children (which is something we rarely see people do in fiction). Members of the guard were sympathetic and the citizens of the city were admirable for their loyalty and sense of community.

Perhaps my favorite supporting characters were Bob the sourdough starter and the nameless gingerbread man who rides on Mona's shoulder. These characters stole the show whenever they were "on screen," and I swear I would read more books about their adventures.

The only characters I didn't quite like were the antagonists, and only because I thought they were under-utilized (as I explained above).

TL;DR: A Wizard's Guide to Defensive Baking is a light, fun YA fantasy that does a good job making complicated things like class, heroism, and government responsibility accessible to a younger audience. While I am not personally a fan of Kingfisher's prose and humor, I think there's a lot in this book to like, especially the goofy baking antics and the scene-stealing baked good familiars.

[fzzr]

Why Do I Only Like Sports Anime When They're Weird?

In general I am not a fan of sports anime. If the show is about getting the team together to show skill matters more than expensive gear, or we're unbeatable if we just work together, etc. I usually don't even bother to sample it anymore. However, my list of anime watched and rated highly is not bereft of things that happen on courses, tracks, and unconventional fields of play. So let's talk about lesbian golfers, horse girls, and beating the shit out of people for discount lunches.

Reviews

Birdie Wing: Golf Girls' Story is a 2022 anime about the most unethical sport that doesn't involve non-human animals. Now, I wouldn't watch golf even if it wasn't boring as shit, just in protest of the amount of land and water it wastes. I will admit that if real golf was like the sport of the same name in Birdie Wing, I would be more sorely tempted. You see, the protagonist of Birdie Wing isn't just a golfer, she's a golfer who plays underground matches for money, and the mob. Yes, in this setting gangsters work out their differences using golf duels (also sometimes regular violence, but golf first). Mobsters not being overburdened with an abundance of principles, they obviously cheat a whole lot, and our protagonist, Eve, just wants a good clean game.

Her world changes when she falls in rivalry with aspiring professional golfer Aoi. From here Eve works to escape from her crime-adjacent life and follow Aoi into the world of "real" golf. Along the way she faces off with such characters as "definitely not a vampire" and "don't worry at all about how mechanically perfect my play is". Birdie Wing has everything you would expect from a sports anime. There are our two leads with their different philosophical approaches to the game as they clash and cooperate. There's the example of how two good players don't just make a good team. There are the characters who will do anything to win, and those who just want to play.

This show has some absolutely wild moments, both of comedy and of emotional impact. Homoeroticism between rivals in a sports anime is by no means innovative, but the way Birdie Wing goes about it is distinct. I don't want to spoil how it happens, but I was so invested in their relationship by episode 4 that a particular moment hit me like a sack of bricks.

Birdie Wing: Golf Girls' Story is 8/10. It's just a little violent and just a little lewd, but there are sports anime that go further. I bet they're not this funny. Give it a try, especially if you want something wacky to watch while a little drunk.

Uma Musume: Pretty Derby is a 2018 anime about an unethical sport that does involve non-human animals. Specifically, each season of Uma Musume follows the actual career of a real life Japanese race horse... except instead of a horse it's about a horse girl with the same name. Also they're idols sometimes. Don't worry about it, it only comes up a few times. Given that it's built on a substrate of real life events, it really is crazy how much they manage to squeeze out of the plotlines. Most of the charm comes from the titular horse girls, of course. They're all fun characters, and even though the themes of hard work and believing in yourself are conventional the execution is solid all around.

Uma Musume: Pretty Derby (both seasons) is 8/10. It's wholesome as hell, pretty much a show for everyone.

Ben-To is a 2011 anime about the highly ethical sport of beating people up in supermarkets. The titular bento are pre-made lunches made and sold daily by markets and convenience stores. Come dinner time, the stores need to clear out stock, so everything goes on sale. As soon as the discount stickers are applied and the staff are safely out of the way, the game starts. The rules are simple: If you get your hands on a bento, it's yours. Take only one. Speed, subterfuge, or brute force - use whatever you want to get that half-price lunch.

Given the... unconventional... premise, it takes a bit of extra work to make it clear that this IS a sports anime. The freeform nature of the brawls means no single collection of sports tropes applies. It's not martial arts, but there is an emphasis on the value of personal excellence and motivation. The protagonists are solo players, "wolves", who fight for honor and always go for the most premium bento on the shelf. There are "dogs" who work as a team, and "boars" who break the social contract, so shifting alliances form even among those who normally square off. There are cross-town rivalries and places where bad blood from past events impacts the tenor of the sport. Retired players give the newcomers advice and instruct them on the philosophy of the game.

Ben-To is 8/10. (It would have been 9/10 if it didn't get distracted by anime tiddy for a few episodes). The concept is wild, the action is great, and it's just a fun time all around. It has some parts that require an elevated power level (if you know what a "fujoshi" is you have the prerequisites) so you can't show it to just anyone, but I think almost anyone can have fun with it.

OK but why though

So, why is it that I find the WE GOTTA DO IT FOR THE SENPAIS and IF WE BELIEVE IN EACH OTHER WE CAN BEAT ANYONE of conventional sports anime boring, but these all do it for me? One thing they have in common is that they're not depicting a real game being played in a real way - the unfamiliarity clearly adds something to the experience. I do think each of them shows how to make sports anime good in a different way, though.

Birdie Wing takes golf as a stepping off point, but chooses not to limit itself by the rules of reality. The tools and terms are what you have overheard people talk about when clubball is in the news for some reason, but also Eve calls out special move names and a mob boss spent millions of dollars on a reconfigurable subterranean golf course. In essence, this is a sports anime that chooses to indulge in what you might call "anime bullshit" and does it well.

Uma Musume is about running. It's truly impressive where the strategic complexity is found - different turf, different training patterns - but the sport itself isn't the source of the hyperreality. Instead, it's everything else. The characters use the actual names of the horses they're based on, so you have Special Week looking up to senpai Silence Suzuka. The designs and personalities are strong and distinct. There's nothing revolutionary about wanting to get a sports scholarship to a school in the big city because you want to play, with the school being secondary. It's just that there's this whole unstated bit of worldbuilding where oh yeah, these are horse girls who dream of growing up to be like their role model horse girls and be famous horse girl idols and horse girl champions.

Ben-To is the Chaotic Good of sports anime. It doesn't go off the rails, because it's too busy assuming you understand that of course grocery stores keep first aid stations in the back in case of concussions during the nightly refrigerator section brawls to be on rails in the first place. The freedom granted by the premise lets it pick and choose the best parts of sports anime without being beholden to the mundane things that hold the genre back. It doesn't have to deal with the heartbeat of a school year or tournament season schedule. All it takes to introduce a new twist is to brawl at a different market or have someone new show up to yours.

No seriously, why?

After stepping through all that, I think the answer is simple and a bit unsatisfying. I like weird sports anime because of the weird, not because of the sports. Weird anime are just fun, and taking something I find less fun and weirding it up means I get a bit of extra unfamiliarity from the weirdness.

[a-few-of-my-favorite-mangas]

Romantic Killer

Story by Wataru Momose

Manga Volume 1 (Based on a Web comic, in color)

Shoujo, Romance, High School Setting, Comedy

Story   ★★★★☆   ||   ★★★☆☆   Art

Summary

When gamer Anzu gets transported to a world of hot guys, it’s like she’s in a dream... someone else’s dream! High schooler Anzu Hoshino has a great life. Every day she plays video games, pigs out on snacks, and pets her beloved cat. But this blissful existence is turned into a confusing mess when a magical creature transports her to an altered reality bereft of her favorite things. Now she’s stuck with hot guys instead! How can she possibly survive in such an awful world?!

Anzu must play along in this altered reality before she can return to her normal life, so she begrudgingly makes friends with Tsukasa Kazuki. He unfortunately happens to be one of the hottest and most popular guys at school, and what’s worse, she realizes that he might not even be that bad of a person!

Review

This is a comedy from the winner of the Shonen Jump’s 2nd Vertical Scroll Manga award. This is a spoof on shoujo mangas. Basic premise, because the birth rates are low in Japan, the magic fairy’s don’t get enough of the energy from all the children’s hearts that help fuel their wishes and they need to take desperate measures. Fairy Riri has selected Anzu for the magic restoration project where they pick young people who are too distracted and prioritize hobbies over romance and sets up Anzu life like a ideal shoujo romance manga, with several hot guys to fall head over heels for her, she just needs to select one! Until she falls in love, all of her favorite distractions - her games, her snacks, and her cat have been removed so that she can concentrate on love!

Anzu isn’t amused and tries to avoid all the obvious shoujo trope moments just to make the project fail! But, Riri is diabolical and the little imp creates embarrassing situations, sudden typhoon level storms, destroys apartments, rearranges memories, and basically throws every romantic shoujo trick to get her to interact with all of these unsuspecting hot guys who suddenly show up in her life... comedy ensues. 

After conveniently sending her parents overseas, hot guy #1 Kazuki enters Anzu’s life. At first she tries to avoid him, but Riri creates a series of unfortunate events for Kazuki that make it impossible for Anzu to avoid him and they end up living together after knowing each other for one day... Riri wastes no time! LOL

Just when Anzu starts to think she can manage with Kazuki, hot guy #2 enters the scene - Junta, her childhood friend who is secretly in love with her, but wait she never had a childhood friend!! Who is he? And what did Riri do to him?!? Poor guy, what is Anzu to do!!

I really enjoyed the first volume, it looks like there will be 4 volumes in total, so it should be a funny short story with plenty of hot guys to chase Anzu - will she succumb to true love after all?

[woodsfae]

Babylon 5 S01E07: The War Prayer

First

Previous

ToC

That is an ominous episode name if ever I’ve seen one. Gonna be pretty funny if this is a light, filler episode.

I hope this is Delenn-heavy because I’m ready to feel the hype this website has for her. And her friend is a poet! I want to hear this poem they’re talking about.

Do the Minbari all have fake ears as part of their makeup? Or do they only cast actors with tiny, low-set ears with attached earlobes?

Hate crimes. Sad days.

“Than make them give a damn,” yeah you need a good social media person.

That’s a badass decision by Mayan the poet - keeping the hate crime brand.

Not the coffee plants! C’mon Garibaldi.

I don’t like Susan’s ex. And am going to go ahead and predict that he’s involved in the hate crimes.

Not sure I’ll ever be able to stop immediately thinking “they have manes and tails, oh my god,” whenever I see Centauri. It’s etched into my neurons.

The Centauri not only have slavery but also have forced marriage. Lovely. “Yeah forced marriage is miserable, but we were all miserable in our marriages so you should be too,” one of my favorite justifications for continuing awful traditions.

Kosh is kinda hilarious. Just chillin and watching the highlights and lowlifes of human history and refusing to talk to the other ambassadors unless explicitly officially necessary.

Hope the Centauri lovebirds run away before they’re sent back. Seriously, if arranged marriages are to keep power and influence within the right families and build alliances - there’s no reason they can’t marry each other! They’re both aristocrats! But our own history shows us that people aren’t that sensible.

“Do you ever regret leaving me?” HELL NO SHE DOESN’T. Calling it harder. this “I shouldn’t have let you go,” dick is one of the home guard. And just assuming they’ll be together since he moved here? jayzus. That’s some entitled behavior.

Tensions are at a boil, and seem to be about to boil the fuck over.

“If he dies she will experience enormous grief. But every moment together will make her grief a little less.”

I agree. Missing moments and wishing for more time are some of the main hallmarks of my grief.

Incitement is happening on all sides. Everyone’s riling their people. Including this asshat ex. And Sinclair is going straight for them. I knew Susan’s asshat ex was up to no good.

Why don’t fin-headed people have an ambassador on Babylon 5? I’m a little baffled as to why each species doesn’t have an ambassador. And Sinclair, “he’ll recover,” is not at all reassuring to people worried they’re going to be attacked and murdered, even if you’re saying it to get asshat to think you’re on his side.

This exchange of looks. I choose to interpret them thusly:

Sinclair: How’m I doing? Ivanova: Fuckin’ terrible but he seems to be buying it, and I’m increasingly baffled as to what I ever saw in him if you’re fooling him with this hamfisted dialogue. Sinclair: Fuck yea

OH the Centauri kids are literally children, at least legally so. Aww, Londo is on the side of love now. And probably assuming their infatuation will end sooner or later anyway. And in any case, this fosterage gets everyone off his back to Do Something About the Kids!

Secret military prototypes. Of course they’re in fascist hands. Ambassadors Down. The berries on this asshat demanding a loyalty test from the most powerful person on Babylon 5. 

Whew! So this was not a lighthearted filler episode misnamed amusingly. It was a good episode, just pretty heavy. I am bummed that this wasn’t actually all that Delenn-heavy, but it did have slightly higher Delenn content than the last few, so I am content for now. It was also sadly bereft of Talia/Susan but so have they all lately. I’ll be content with quietly meaning-laden glances and tension thick enough to cut, but it hasn’t even been giving me that yet!

Next Episode

[tuiccim]

TikTok Trend: #LetsF*ckText

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader     

Word Count: 637

Warnings: Angst, language, stupid ass friends

Summary: You, Nat and Wanda are scrolling through TikTok when a new trend catches your eye. 

A/N: Divider by @whimsicalrogers​

Natasha, Wanda, and you were scrolling through TikTok. You were laughing hysterically at the different videos you showed each other when Natasha suddenly started smacking Wanda’s arm and pointing to her phone. Wanda’s eyes grew large and she nodded giggling. 

“What are you two hiding?” You smile at the two. 

“Watch.” Natasha shows you the video. A headline reading “‘He’s just a friend’ ight then text him ‘lets fuck’ and see what he says” is followed with a video of the responses the TikToker got. Ranging from mean to funny to eager. 

“That’s terrible. Why did you think that was so funny?” You laugh. 

“Because you and Bucky are always saying ‘we’re just friends’ and we were thinking you should do it to see how he reacts.” Wanda smiles. 

“No! That’s just mean!” You exclaim. 

“Or are you scared he’d say no?” Natasha raises an eyebrow. 

“Or scared he'd say yes?” Wanda giggles. 

“Bucky is my best friend. I’m not gonna treat him like that. You guys are terrible. It’s not like that with us.” You grouse. 

“Tell me you have never found him attractive.” Natasha says.

“Of course he’s attractive. Bucky’s a hottie but he’s my friend.” You look at her.

“You’ve never wanted to-” Wanda begins. 

“Wanda!"

"If neither of you have ever thought about it then what's the big deal?" Natasha needles. 

Of course, you found Bucky attractive. If truth be told, you wanted to jump him from the moment you met him. But he didn't think about you that way. The two of you had formed a bond. You had become best friends and then you were too scared to ruin that. Now, two years later, it was too late. 

"I…" you trail off looking away. 

"Do it!" Wanda yells, but before you have a chance to react Natasha grabs your phone and Wanda uses her powers to hold you back. 

"Nat, don't! Wanda!" You say in a panic.

Nat smirks as she hands back your phone. 

"I can't believe you did that! How could you?" You stare at your phone in disbelief.

"Tired of watching you two moon over each other." Natasha shrugs.

Three dots pop up and then disappear. He read the message but hadn’t said anything. Your stomach twists in knots. He didn’t even bother to respond. 

"I can't believe you did that. Fuck, Nat! What am I gonna say to him?" You are near tears, terrified that your relationship with Bucky would be ruined. 

Suddenly, your door bursts open, the latch nearly torn off, and Bucky stares at you from it. You stand up, mouth agape and certain that he’s furious. “I.. I’m sorry."

Nat and Wanda are laid out on your bed laughing. "You two, get out!" You yell at them. "I've got to fix your mess." They scramble off the bed and run past Bucky to exit. Nat sends you a cheeky wink as she closes the door. "I'm so… I'm so sorry! They saw this stupid TikTok and thought it'd be hilarious to send you that text." You hand him your phone with the video playing and wring your hands as you look at him. 

"Uh, yeah, I was wondering why you would send something like that. I was coming to check on you." Bucky shifts as he hands back your phone. 

"Are you mad?" You ask, looking close to tears.

"No, Doll. Of course not." Bucky pulls you into his arms for a hug. 

"Thanks, Buck." You wrap your arms around his waist and hug him tightly. 

---

Bucky leaves your room a little while later. He feels like a jerk. He got that text and his heart (and cock) had jumped. He thought you were finally making the move he didn't have the courage to. He walks back to his room bereft. Stupid fucking TikTok. 

Part 2 of TikTok Trend

Masterlist

Permanent: @bubbabarnes​ @badassbaker​ @thefridgeismybestie​ @strangersstranger​ @cherthegoddess​ @buckyluvrs​ @sherlocksmanwatson​ @cap-n-stuff​ @finleyjayne​ @caplanreads​ @connie326​ @daydreamerinadazedworld​ @bugsbucky​ @chrisevanscardigan​ @harrysthiccthighss​ @palaiasaurus64​ @rebekahdawkins​ @maaaaarveeeeel​ @tllynn15​ @saiyanprincessswanie​

[thekillerssluts]

Arcade Fire’s Win Butler on Their New Album ‘WE’: ‘I Don’t Think Anyone Knows if Music is Good Until 20 years After it’s Made Anyway’

New Orleans’ Mardi Gras was a muted celebration during COVID-19. With the Louisiana city in lockdown, the parades and parties were stifled, leaving the city bereft of its usual colourful character. Into this strangest of days, the central track from the new Arcade Fire album WE was born. “‘End of the Empire (Sagittarius A*)’ was cut on Mardi Gras Day,” explains Win Butler. “It was super surreal because it’s such a spiritually-loaded day, there’s such a mysticism to it.

But the day it wasn’t happening because of COVID, you could hear the birds singing and the air was thick. We were waiting on people coming back to mix stuff but I was like, ‘I don’t fucking care, we need to record this shit right now.’ So we basically cut it live in the living room.”

Such aching isolation and a yearning for something bigger fills much of WE, which Butler is discussing with Rolling Stone across Zoom from his New Orleans studio (he and wife/bandmate Régine Chassagne are now based in the city). He languidly relaxes back in his studio chair, happy to hold court on any number of subjects. Butler is as earnest in conversation as would be expected from the lead singer of Arcade Fire.

Now 42-years-old, and with a nine-year-old son to look out for, he’s well ensconced in parenthood. Things are purportedly good for the musician, as good as things can be after these last few pandemic years. However, Butler is arriving into press for his band’s new album after what could be labelled the only major setback of Arcade Fire’s career to date: WE is the long-awaited follow-up to 2017’s Everything Now, an album that, while definitely not a complete failure, didn’t debut to their usual unanimous acclaim.

Critical reviews for the synth-pop style were tepid and many fans seemed unimpressed by a satirical album rollout that failed to properly connect. In an interview at the time, Butler claimed that the response to Everything Now was “Orwellian”, just another dismaying example of people losing the ability to take a joke. When this quote is regurgitated to Butler now, he doubles down. “Even the idea that it (Everything Now) didn’t go well is wrong. It’s like if you say something enough times then it becomes true.

I did a funny interview the other day and the interviewer was like, ‘So the people really didn’t like Everything Now and no one came to the show.’ I said, ‘did you actually come to our show in Berlin?’ He replied, ‘yes I did, it was a very sold out amazing show.’ I just don’t know!” Butler adds with an exasperated sigh (it should be noted that Everything Now still managed to top charts around the world, including the US and UK).

Think back to the music of your childhood: chances are that a lot of the most formative music came from albums released decades before you were even born. It’s something that Butler seems eager to emphasise. “I don’t think anyone knows if music is good until 20 years after it’s made anyway,” he insists.

He has a pertinent example ready to assist this theory. “I just read the most hilarious Rolling Stone review of Harvest (Neil Young’s now-classic 1972 album). It was basically like, ‘Neil Young has completely lost it, the album is bloated and I wish he’d do what he was doing before.’

Look, I’m not saying Everything Now is Harvest, which is one of my favourite records that anyone’s ever made. The point is none of truly fucking know in the moment because our perspective is so limited. Most of the bands I liked I heard 20 years after they broke up and I received their records in random order. I don’t know what the fuck The Clash were doing in 1978. (How much of this is Butler intellectually protecting himself from future critique is unclear; watching him passionately saying it from his studio, though, you’re inclined to think he means it).

Butler isn’t done there. “I don’t really buy into ‘music as a powerpoint list’, you know? I read a thing the other day that said, ‘I went through The White Album and made a better version of it.’ I was like, ‘who the fuck are you?’ It’s the fucking White Album! It’s one of the greatest things that anyone ever did and it’s also the fucking Beatles.

It’s just such a hilarious idea, like ‘I’ve just got to get my time machine ready and then I’m going to cut “Honey Pie”. If only I could help them!’ I don’t know what the reviews for We were in Russia back then but I’m sure they were not favourable,” he adds with a knowing smile.

Butler is referring to Yvgeny Zamyatin’s dystopian novel written in the early 1920s which Arcade Fire’s album takes its name from. “I studied Russian literature in university and I read the book when I was 18 or 19,” he recalls. “It kept coming back. I thought I would probably do a film of it or something at some point.”

When he started working on this album, though, WE fit thematically as Butler was aiming to find the most meaningful word with the least amount of letters (a rare economical moment from a band whose song names often resemble the languorous titles of contemporary novels).

It’s clear that Butler feels an affinity for Zamyatin. “He was a prophetic writer. 1984 is entirely based on WE, and so is Brave New World. Both of them (George Orwell and Aldous Huxley) read it before writing their books. It was written right as the Russian revolution was happening, an incredibly tumultuous time – the 1920s make the 2020s look super chill!

So as Communism is taking hold, this author was like, ‘hey guys, I just want to flag a couple of issues that I think we should be talking about.’ It really took some balls to say, ‘there’s some major fucking issues that could affect us for the next 10 years.’”

WE is markedly different from Everything Now sonically, with much less eccentric experimentation, but it doesn’t feel like a reactionary move. Arcade Fire’s sixth album is less overwhelmed by thick irony and gluttonous maximalism, a somewhat back-to-basics approach that benefits from an intentionally simplified structure for this record. “We entered into writing it with the guiding principle that any of the songs could be played on piano or guitar, with no other production, and they would still work on the merits of the melody and lyrics and basic instrumentation alone,” Butler explains.

“I think that Régine and I could play everything on this record totally on guitar and it’d still work.” Working with renowned Radiohead producer Nigel Godrich, there is much more negative space than we’re used to witnessing in Arcade Fire songs. In this newfound intimacy, raw displays of emotion are valued; the best classic Arcade Fire songs have always had a closed-eyes, belting-at-the-top-of-your-lung quality to them.

During recording one day, Butler’s young son accidentally knocked some drumsticks to the floor, with the clattering audible in the background. Butler purposefully left the sound in the final version. “When you’re making a record, you’re making a document of a moment,” he says with a meaningful pause. “There’s a song and the melody but there’s also this other intangible thing that you don’t always get.

You always have your antenna up to try and capture these little bits of humanity. So to me, our son dropping something in the background is as much a part of the song as the chords. It’s this little bit of life, this little bit of realism.”

In the songwriting, some schmaltz remains, like the repeated refrain of “I unsubscribe” in “End of the Empire IV”, as does the obsession with the myriad problems of technology, but as the album moves closer to its conclusion, sincerity dominates; talking to Butler, it feels like he needed to do that for himself as much as anyone else.

The album is roughly split into two halves, journeying from suffocating frustration at the state of the world to realising the power of communal transcendence. There’s the Beckettian back-and-forth of “The Lightning I” (“I won’t quit on you / Don’t quit on me / We can make it baby / Please don’t quit on me”) and the Régine-led “Unconditional II (Race and Religion)”, in which they offer a wholesome vision for the future of humanity (“I’ll be yours / You can be mine / Love unites”). WE is far from a pandemic record but the prioritisation on genuine compassion and connection in the album’s second half feels welcome.

This all played out in real time at Coachella last month: performing the heartfelt “Unconditional I (Lookout Kid)”, it soon got too much for Butler who had to cover his face behind his bands as the rest of the band paused momentarily to allow him to collect himself. It was a stark display of raw emotion at one of the biggest festivals in the world, the veil slipping to reveal a welcome shot of pathos. “I don’t know about you but it’s been a hard couple of fucking years,” Butler could be heard shouting to the audience.

For a band with several world tours under their belt, Arcade Fire’s recent absence from Australia has been keenly felt. “It’s been forever,” Butler laments, sincerely adding that they want to “come back soon.” He’s not hopeful about the future of touring though. “It’s just about figuring out how to do it in this new age.

Even from the time we’ve finished this record there’s now a war in Europe. I check my phone thinking ‘today’s the day when the stock market crashes.’ It’s inevitable, it’s going to happen, we’ve just been printing money. It’ll be like, ‘forget my fucking tour, we’ve got bigger issues (laughs).’”

He pauses for a second before adding, “I’ve got a dear friend who got a very bad cancer outcome. Consider that a week before you’re maybe complaining about something and then you find out that you’re really sick. You wish  you could be complaining about what you were complaining about a week ago. I think this time (the pandemic) has forced me to be a bit more aware in a lot of ways.” It goes unmentioned, but you feel that he’s also referring to any critical reaction to WE here.

In 2005, David Foster Wallace, a writer preternaturally gifted at predicting the world to come with his words, said this in his Kenyon College commencement speech: “The really important kind of freedom involves attention and awareness and discipline… That is real freedom. That is being educated, and understanding how to think. The alternative is unconsciousness, the default setting, the rat race, the constant gnawing sense of having had, and lost, some infinite thing.”

This understanding of the importance of attention is evidently a deeply-held belief of Butler’s too. “The spectator or listener’s attention is what makes the art,” he says. “The art is their attention. That’s where the art happens. People look at a painting on a wall and see it’s a Rembrandt and so they really look at it.

If you really look at it and you’re connected to the humanity of the brushstrokes of Rembrandt, this human painting on a wall, then you’re connected to the humanity of someone from an entirely different generation. That’s essentially what art is and that’s what music is. If that’s broken, we’re all aloof and only obsessed with ourselves. I’m speaking for myself of course,” he hastily adds at the end of this statement.

It’s why Butler has a clear way he’d like people to receive WE. “My dream for the record is that people have the time to listen to it,” he says slowly. “There’s a lot of songs that I love but the shit that really changed me as a person was always a record. If you can try and get into that headspace of where an artist is coming from in an LP, it’s worthwhile.

I listened to Little Richard’s first record, and I know all the songs, but listening to the full record is to feel what being Little Richard was like. I feel I know him a little better after listening. I learn something about his humanity and by doing that, I’m also more in touch with my own humanity.”

He has another example. “When I first heard The Smiths, it was like the first time I tried pâté and was like ‘yuck!’ Over the course of a summer, though, I just kept listening to them and then I loved The Smiths. There’s so much shit you miss out on if you’re used to hearing things that sound a certain way and don’t let yourself really listen to it. If you watch The Godfather and you’re on your phone the whole time, you’re not going to get it all. You might think Marlon Brando is cool or you’ll like a certain scene but you’ll be missing out on the true emotional hit.”

While acknowledging that this way of listening has almost completely been eradicated in the streaming era, Butler retains a sliver of hope. His face lights up as he discusses his son again. “My son is young but he loves music and he likes really great music too. He listens to classical music, he can listen to punk rock, he can listen to anything. I do have hope, it’s not all doom and gloom. All the stuff is there on the internet, anyone can listen to Bad Brains or find full Clash performances at The Lyceum, and they can experience what a real band sounds like.

You get the sense that, in an ideal world, this is where Butler would like his future to be: somewhere quiet and comfortable with his family, surrounded by a stack of classic records, enclosed from an increasingly turbulent world. “Ideally music can transcend in some way because if even music can’t, we’re kind of fucked, do you know what I mean? I hope it can.

This isn’t even about our records: just go listen to any record, listen to a real record,” he says with a vague gesticulation to the outside world beyond his studio. “You know what a really good album is? The White Album.”

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

How about B, I, L, U, V for our big boi Theo? :3c

Sure thing, bub!! Theo hcs coming right up! 💙💙💙💙

I really hope you like them!!!! :3c

Fluff ABCs Template here for requests

Body -- What is his favorite part of her body?

Do y’all have any idea how hard it is for me to answer this letter without making this horny hours.

ANYWAY losing my mind because my instinct was to respond with “her tears.” And then my brain was like. Minnie that’s not a part of the body…that’s not how any of this works…But let’s pretend for a moment like I am valid, shall we?

No cap, I die on this hill. And my answer comes in two parts. The first reason tears destroy him like nothing else is because of how much she feels for the van Gogh brothers tbh. I think Theodorus is very accustomed to their situation being seen through a lens of indifference, a kind of “oh well, what can be done ¯\_(ツ)_/¯” especially. While he may argue that he’s used to it, he’s full of shit. It hurts every time–even more so because people are being dismissive about the person he loves most in the world (other than her, of course.) He’ll be silent for the most part, usually pretty stoic if those things come up, but the way her eyes glisten with tears just undoes him. He feels stupid to be so affected, but it’s something else entirely when somebody actually gives a damn. Somehow it's harder to keep his composure under that gaze...

The second reason is more about teasing. He can’t resist getting a reaction out of her sometimes, or seeing her brought to frustrated tears. That lovely blush overtaking the tips of her ears and face, to say nothing if it happens during nsfw hours. They make her face shine, a visible manifestation of all the emotion he tries so hard to deny–to run from–that it just moves him like nothing else. Where he can't find words or proper expression, she always does. Leonardo said once that a single glance at that man and you can tell he’s in love with art. And he was right, save that that kind of passion can be found in him again in moments like this. Alone, driving her to madness and pleasure.

It’s the part of him that belongs to her, and her alone.

Injury -- How would he act if she got hurt?

Lmao call Vincent instead of Theo if you actually want anything productive to be done about it.

I’m KIDDING mostly but to be honest I think he has a hard time hiding his distress when MC is hurt. If it’s something small he’ll try to play it off as mild irritation, muttering about oblivious hondjes and how she needs to be more careful. If it’s something like a bruise or a bandaged cut–maybe she bumped into something–he’ll just clumsily try to pat the pain away. Don’t try to hide it from him either because he has eyes like a hawk and will expose you. He’ll be a dumdum but it’s really sweet because he’ll be so gentle over such a tiny wound (it always amuses Dazai so much) that all the men will have to kind of hold back laughter. They don’t mean to mock the guy but he takes it so seriously it’s a little bit funny. Vincent is so unironically proud of him for being sensitive though and it’s enough to make a girl cry TwT

If it’s a very serious injury I am sorry but you are getting nothing but probably a panic attack from him. He doesn’t really do well with even the slightest suggestion of losing a loved one, so if she breaks a bone or experiences excessive bleeding–whatever the risk may be to her life–he is fighting to stay in control of his body’s response. He’s trying so hard to be strong for her, but he can hardly breathe and his vision is a little fuzzy and did they say she would be unconscious for a few days? Needless to say he’s a bit of a mess. Ideally, Vincent would do his best to help the guy stabilize while he waits for things to improve, but it’s touch and go for a bit there.

When she wakes up, he needs as much gentleness as she does in many respects. The stress attacks and constant distress have just resulted in so much tension and exhaustion, he doesn’t even have the energy for any verbal swipes at anyone. (I was going to say “he’s just a big puppy” but the irony hit me so hard I literally couldn’t finish typing the sentence). He just really needs lots of kisses and hand holds and promises she isn’t going anywhere, completely unprompted. Not to be emo (WAKE ME UP) but he really needs to be brought back to life slowly, in a way. He’ll get better with some time and assurance that she’s going to make it, but oTL hondje please, he can only take so many heart attacks in one lifetime.

Love -- How does he show her he loves her?

He does not.

I’m KIDDING but I stand by the fact that he’s more of a show than tell type of guy. He has a really, really hard time verbalizing everything that he feels, so I think the person he loves would ideally have to keep that in mind. He’s lowkey but very classy, imo. Gets surprise flowers every once in a while, buys groceries after work all the time if she needs things at home, always reliable with taking care of their finances (and in general). I feel like the thing about Theodorus is that he’s the quiet romantic; he won’t smooth talk or endlessly go on about love, but when she needs him? He’s there. Come hell or high water. When things are hard, when things feel impossible, when life just feels like one slap in the face after another–he’s warm and there and steady, leading her by the hand.

He's very proactive about just about anything other than expressing his feelings directly, so write that down--

Upset --How does he act when she's upset?

LMFAO catch him crashing at Vincent’s place tonight, no thanks murderous hondje ain’t it for me, sorry sweaty.

All jokes aside, I think he’s the type of guy who just has no idea how to handle it. I mean she’s the one that’s usually pretty stable emotionally, so when she isn’t it tends to be a big deal–the cause of her foul mood has got to be sizable. While he may be stymied upfront, will most likely go after the root cause of her distress and kill it with a hammer when her back is turned. Nobody upsets his hondje (unless it’s him) and gets away with it. The man has two modes: kill and more kill, and so he uses the second one as necessary in these situations.

That being said, it doesn't mean he's completely bereft of sensitivity. If it's a more sorrowful kind of upset, he'll try to make time for a lot of cuddling and pampering. Get her things she likes to eat/drink, rub her back gently, put on a movie she likes (even if it's boring to him). He hopes that some care and a few little distractions will be enough to calm her soon. He loves his hondje best when she's smiling, after all ùwú

Vaunt -- What is he proud of? Does he like to show her off?

Oh my goddddddd. Bih. If this man suffers from a cardinal sin, it’s pride I swear. Even if he’s Mr. Bad Mood Stink Face he will literally never say a bad word about her. There are so many people convinced he’s deadass got some kind of disorder because he has scary face, but also looks so delighted at the same time it's terrifying. Gets all puffed up about what a hard worker she is, how talented, how he couldn’t have done any of this without her. Even when he’s roaring drunk, now he just rambles on and cries about how much he loves her and Vincent and it’s beyond hilarious. Would throw down for her, would die for her, would steal a clown’s balloon for her–you name it.

She can do absolutely no wrong, so write that down.

Has a love hate relationship with showing her off (in the more blatant way) though because. Homewrecking. Does she look lovely in that dress? Undoubtedly so. If he sees one more gross lustful/covetous gaze directed at her though, he’s just gonna leave with her in tow. (He would throw hands but she doesn't like that.) Y’all know the whole Lord of The Rings’ “My p r e c i o u s” thing? That’s his vibe LMFAO. Depending on his mood he will either be like "hell yeah that's my wife you jealous bih, I'm the luckiest guy ever ik now buzz off" or he will just get more and more lowkey steamed until they leave.

[photogirl894]

hi! I’m not sure if your requests are open, but I saw your kissing prompts and they’re so cute!! I was wondering if I could request 5 and 7 with wrecker? thank you!!!

My requests are still open, of course! And thank you, that's so kind of you to say! 🥰 I would be happy to give you some Wrecker love! 🥰💜 Thanks for the request!

"Missing You"

5. Throwing their arms around the other person’s neck, hugging them close before kissing them passionately on the lips.

7. French kisses where they trace every tooth with their tongues as though trying to memorize them.

Pairing: Wrecker x fem reader

***

You had met Clone Force 99 at Cid's parlor on Ord Mantell and right away, you hit things off with Wrecker, the bigger and bulkier one of the group. He loved to talk and so did you. He made lots of funny jokes that made you laugh. You thought the big scar on his face actually made him more attractive. He was such a great man that you grew to adore and the more time you spent with him whenever he came to the Cid's, the more you fell for him and he for you. He would always tell you that you were "sweeter than Mantell Mix" which, coming from him, you knew meant a lot...because the man loved his Mantell Mix!

It had been a little while since the boys had been back to the parlor and you began to worry. What if something had happened to them while they were working on a job for Cid? What if Wrecker never came back? You hated that thought and you tried to push it away as you downed a drink at the bar. You missed him a lot; you missed his big warm hugs, his laugh, his smile, his voice, his optimistic attitude...you missed everything about him.

It was late at night and you were the only person left in the parlor. Cid had gone into her office and told you not to stay for too much longer. Behind you, you heard footsteps of people coming inside, which was strange for how late it was, but you didn't care. You were too wrapped up in your own concerns to even bother turning around. You heard the footsteps walk behind you and past you.

"Hey there, my sweet girl."

Your head shot up. You knew that voice! It was him! You couldn't believe it!

You whipped around in your chair to find Wrecker standing not far behind you, his arms outstretched to you and that smile you adored so much on his face.

"Wrecker!" you cried out in excitement and relief as you ran to him.

He crouched down low enough that he could scoop you up off the ground into his arms, you putting your arms tightly his neck and hugging him close.

"I missed you!" Wrecker exclaimed.

"I missed you, too," you replied. "It's been a while. I was starting to worry about you."

As you pulled back, Wrecker told you, "Nah, we just ran into a couple hiccups on the mission, but nothing we couldn't handle."

"My big, brave man," you said to him, bringing your hands to his face before pulling him in for a firm, passionate kiss which he immediately reciprocated.

As your arms snaked back around his neck, Wrecker reached down and pulled your legs up to wrap around his waist before hugging you against him again. Your lips moved with his with yearning need, having been bereft of his kisses for what felt like ages. Your passion overcame you as you grew bold and pushed your tongue past his lips, feeling around inside his mouth and tasting him truly for the first time.

He was startled by this for a moment and broke the kiss. You thought at first that you had gone too far, but then he smirked at you playfully.

"Whoa...feeling feisty, aren't you? You really did miss me," he commented.

You gave him a sweet smile back. "More than you can imagine."

"Well...before the others come back, let me show you just how much I missed you."

Wrecker reached back up and pulled you back down to him, reuniting his lips with yours, your tongues joining in a passionate dance.

50 types of kisses

More Wrecker fics

Bad Batch Writing Requests

[cerastes]

I just remembered his monologue over Doctor and now feel pain. Him lamenting how a crucible if war was born and wishing that person instead was never forced again into strife again and lived on as teacher and also on what they were fighting for. ... i suspect he was unloading his sorrows on doctor since doctor was not yet warcrimes but like, he continued doing this apparently when doc was like, almost bereft of emotion that was not hunger for victory and goal achieved and that's impressive.

“i suspect he was unloading his sorrows on doctor since doctor was not yet warcrimes”

This is what I personally think, and the whole monologue Scout gives, I think, serves as pretty solid evidence that Scout is one of the longest lived veterans and most decorated elites Babel had. In other words, Scout probably befriended Doctor back when they were still an academic and held many an interesting conversation with them. It’s very likely that it wasn’t just Scout that confided in Doctor, but that Doc reciprocated as well.

And this leads to the perfect opportunity to address something I think we’ve been doing wrong: We’ve been considering Warcrimes!Doctor as two dimensional, I believe. We focus too much on them being a war machine.

Allow me to elaborate.

It is fact that they would eventually become a Beast Of Logic, so to speak, a creature that focuses only on winning battles, no matter the cost, but that’s very likely not all they were, even after the change Scout so sorrowfully describes.

Take Amiya, for example: She has the utmost intimacy and trust with Doctor, and makes many offhand references to past events that Doctor doesn’t remember but that she treasures. Doctor, even as a Beast Of Logic, did have some connection with others, likely select few people and only with those they knew before the switch with few exceptions: For example, W and Doctor never bonded, and we know W met Doctor after they already had changed, but the likes of Ace and Scout, veteran Elites, are very clearly enamored with Doctor. This likely was the case with Kal’tsit, Theresa, Closure (who is friendly with Doctor) and Amiya as well. Scout mentioning that W could confide with Doctor if she so wanted wasn’t an empty gesture: Despite knowing as much as he does about Doctor and what they had become, Scout still chose to see them as a friend and as someone apt to help others. Perhaps he saw in Doctor and W a chemistry that would allow them to be friends, had either ever taken the first step (neither did). Despite how cruel they had become, Doctor still apparently had their funny moments, such as their habit of eating weird things or eating things in weird ways, banter with Kal’tsit, bonding with Amiya, and whatever it is they had with Theresa, implied to be close enough that Doctor could apparently be in Theresa’s quarters and this would be seen as normal. As much of a bloodthirsty Beast Of Logic as they had become, terrifying enough for W to refer to them as “The Evil Spirit of Babel”, they still had a semblance of humanity outside the chessboard, with those they were close with.

And I think that’s what makes this even more painful, what makes Scout’s monologue even more painful, and what makes Kal’tsit’s interactions with Doctor in Chapter 7 even more painful.

It is easy to reject a monster.

Pariahs are pariahs because we don’t want them near us. No matter how effective and skilled and, dare I say, necessary someone is, the reality is, they won’t last if they have but burnt bridges around them. The reality of it all is, Doctor was probably still likable, if unsettling. It is not even subtext that Kal’tsit was having fun for a second with Doctor during some points of banter during Chapter 7, it is text, Actual Empath Amiya very much says “oh, wow, Doctor Kal’tsit, you are smiling right now!”, unintentionally shanking Kal’tsit in the heart with the agonic stake of nostalgia because, yeah, Kal’tsit and Doctor were probably very close in the past, and their seamless banter showed it. No matter however it is you wish to read their dynamic, either as that of colleagues, friends, or ex-lovers, it is rather painfully apparent that they used to be close, and Kal’tsit even has to take a stand and say: “No, I have to say this, I will not let this person close to me ever again, this is simply work”, even if she painfully misses this rapport, even if she aches at the thought of never having what they had again, because she knows, she knows something so terrible that it has irredeemably burned this bridge.

“Kal’tsit is being unreasonable. She’s a medical professional, she should understand the duress that comes with amnesia, the burden, and that Doctor can’t be blamed for it, she should understand she shouldn’t act that way towards someone amnesiac and blame them for things they did before they lost their memories,” you may say, and I can’t blame you for it, but hear me out:

Even if Doctor’s memories reawakened, even if Doctor was presented with the chance to reassess their choices, even if they repented, or looking at it the other way, even if Doctor truly forgot everything forever, you cannot change how Kal’tsit sees Doctor. She made clear she won’t let the hate buried deep inside of her bloom, but she has the right to keep it. She has the right to remain angry forever.

The thing with amnesiac narratives is that they focus a lot on the amnesiac, and so, we sympathize with our amnesiac protagonist and obviously defend them from people blaming them for things you could argue they never did, but we never really think about the victims of their past acts, and how they are entitled to all the anger they have, because whatever it is that happened that sowed it, it still happened, even if the guilty party doesn’t remember it. It isn’t as simple as tabula raza, the person currently standing in front of Kal’tsit might not have done the terrible thing she remembers, but they absolutely have the potential for that cruelty. And she has every right to hold onto her emotions, be they anger or wariness. Nothing you say can change that.

Nothing.

And so it becomes all the more painful to think that Scout probably had a drink with Doctor every Thursday, they’d talk about whatever, and all the time, Scout would see glimpses of this charismatic, kind educator he once knew, now replaced in part but never in their entirety by this Beast Of Logic. Consider that, and Scout’s monologue feels like something he’s telling himself more than something he’s telling to Guard before he goes off to his death.

Scout held a little eulogy for a remarkable friend he once knew before heading to his own funeral.

Because it’d be easy to reject and pile bile and blame on Doctor if they had become complete monsters.

But the painful and probably reality is, they likely didn’t.

Which only made it all the more painful to bear for those that knew the old educator.

[xxkellsvixen19xx]

Autumn Leaves Fall While Love Is Fading Andy Biersack X Reader

Word Count: 1,662

Warning: ANGST

Lyrics: Seasons Of Wither By Aerosmith (Except Changed Her To Him

An inextricable sadness can be experienced when love fades. You're left questioning what is left when the one you promised to love forever no longer loves you. I experienced this. I understand this. I know what it feels like to have my heart ripped out, leaving a gaping hole which can never be filled. I know the pain that comes with wondering. What did I do wrong? What didn't I do right? Is there any way I could have prevented this from happening?

The feeling of loss which stuck me whenever I thought about him.

Andy's words still lingered in my mind; Love fades, mine has…

They stung. After everything we'd been through together this is how it was ending. I'd glimpsed that light at the end of the tunnel; the one telling me that I had what I'd dreamed of in my grasp… but now it has slipped away… it's just completely gone. Andy no longer wants me… the realization hit some storms are simply not meant to be survived but designed to strip you of everything and anything. 

Loose-hearted man, sleepy was he

Love for the devil brought him to me

Seeds of a thousand drawn to his sin

Seasons of wither holding me in.

Flashback…..

“Andy,” my voice is thick with emotion because all that we'd been through. Anger is turning into desperation but he can't, he just can’t do this anymore. – “Please. I need you here.”

“I can’t.” his voice is weak and trembling slightly and I force my eyes shut–   the singulat though flashed...damage. Hide. Now. In that moment there was no way to know my world would completely unravel, we were two souls of one beating heart cursed to be untied never to be whole. But the love between us Andy discarded aside as if it were nothing, yet out of our control we would be forever tangled within each other's embrace. 

I didn't exactly understand why he felt differently or what caused him to just without warning drift. All I now knew, was that the man standing before me has changed, there is an indifferent air around him. 

*********************************

6 months ago…..

Andy pressed his chest against my back  wrapping his arms around my waist before kissing the back of my shoulder tenderly. My heart swells at his gesture, leaning back into his embrace.

“I love you” You whisper, Andy’s arms tightening around me.

He presses another kiss onto my shoulder. I let out a small sigh, I breathe him in deeply, taking in his the deep scent of hiscologne. Letting the smell wash over me, I close my eyes, I completely lose myself in the feel of his presence. 

……….

I trudge through the apartment, breath shaky and tears welling in my eyes. But they still don’t fall. I feel completely numb.

I walk into our bedroom, completely catatonic and moving as if on auto pilot. I sit on the bed, staring at nothing in particular. The moonlight streams through the window catching a large photo frame hanging on one of the walls. My eyes are unspeakably drawn to the glinting photo.

It’s our wedding photo.

It’s a candid shot. Me and Andy are staring at each other, smiling tenderly at one another. Andy’s arm is around my waist, his head slightly bent and leaned into mine, almost as if he’s about to kiss me. The white of my dress is a stark contrast against his black suit, the pale pink bouquet of roses on the floor as I hold onto his arms. The sun is setting in the background, both our silhouettes set ablaze with a halo of sunlight.

I remember the day as if it were yesterday. It was the happiest day of my life. Andy sang to me in his deep vibrato voice of his. He danced with me. Held me close. He kissed me telling me he loved me. The memory of him reciting his wedding vows pops into my mind.

I can’t help it. I break down, sobs wracking through my body as I cry into the dark, quiet of the room. My body shakes with the cries, tears flowing freely. I feel the warmth of them run down my cheeks before disappearing into my shirt. I fall back onto the bed, curled into a ball as I weep out all my feelings, all of the hurt and heartache I feel.

I cry and cry until finally, I can’t cry anymore. My throat is raw, now only dry hiccuping as I somehow run out of tears. My heart aches, my headaches and my eyes sting. 

I tried my hardest to remind him why we fell in love with each other  and why we married. But the harder I tried, the more he pulled away. Bit by bit, he slips from my life. I didn't understand why can but he fell out of love with me; I could see it in his eyes when he walked away. He wouldn't buy me flowers every week anymore. He no longer kissed me goodbye. He no longer sent me little messages about how much he loved and missed me. The more I try to occupy his attention, the more he refuted me, and my heart just aches all over again, longing for him to come back to me.

Heat of my candle show me the way

Seeds of a thousand drawn to his sin

Seasons of wither holding me in

Oh woe is me, I feel so badly for you

Oh woe is me, I feel so sadly for you in time

Bound to lose your mind

Live on borrowed time

Take the wind right out of your sail

Time heals nothing it only makes the memories fade away, It’s sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew. 

What hurts more than losing Andy is knowing that he wasn't fighting to keep me. Nothing hurts more than realizing he meant everything to me, but I meant nothing to him. It’s funny how he could break my heart, and yet I can still love him with all the little pieces. 

Love is not as much a choice as it is considered a feeling. Staying in love takes a commitment. The worst thing is not only being told that someone has fallen out of love with you but being told that they haven’t been in love with you for some time. When you find out you're losing your soulmate it's as if every bit of oxygen has been expelled from your lungs. 

Flashback…..

“Do… do you even love me anymore?” I whisper, dread heavy in my bones as the question slips from my lips. Andy’s eyes soften and I see the hesitation on his face as he contemplates whether he should answer me or simply walk away. Finally coming to a decision, he stares directly in my eyes and I can almost feel the next words.

“I don’t know” he replies, the uncertainty reflected in his eyes before he walks away.

I watch him walk away from me, I was trying much harder to save this relationship than he was. In the last few months it was a last ditch effort to go through couples therapy. I know my husband wants to be anywhere but here at the moment. His entire demeanour is closed off, arms and legs crossed as he stares out the window. 

"When was the last time you actually paid attention to your wife?” he asks and Andy balks, unsure of what to say at the sudden tangent. More importantly, he doesn’t know the answer to his question. Andy abruptly turned about to storm out of the office, “If you have nothing to say that’s fine. Just think about it. I believe our next session is in another two weeks. I want you to think about this relationship carefully." The therapist says, his tone final. Andy quickly leaves the room, his mind in a jumble for the first time in a while. 

…………..

For the first time in over half a year, Andy look at me; pays close attention noticing the sadness in my eyes. He swallows thickly, eyes scanning over my face and as if willing me to look at him. He wants to say something, but he doesn’t even know where to start. He frowns slightly at that. You’d been together for almost ten years, so why was it suddenly so hard to speak to you?

All of a sudden, the distance between you two hits me like a freight train. I can feel the huge rift between the two of us. I sigh slightly, wondering when it had gotten so big. Did he always feel this far away from me? 

Why did it feel like I was worlds away, almost unattainable? The two of us had always been close, always been able to speak about everything and anything. There were times when we’d both wake up in the early hours of the morning, still in bed and voice heavy with sleep and speak about the smallest, silliest of things. 

We had spent close to a decade together; we knew each other like the back of each other’s hands. He didn’t look back as the the door closed behind him that night.  Bereft now of pain and I felt the dying spark of embers from our relationship. Like autumn dyes the leaves bright red, I encountered a love that I'd hoped would last longer than a fading breeze. 

Beauty is fleeting, evanescent,  But all of it ended, Andy’s presence in the photos won't fade away as easily with the flow of time.

Because love is ephemeral and memories die, only the photos of him will accompany me until I take my last breath. I can say, I was once loved; Together, in the fires of hell, we will burn with the memories of the most beautiful moments in life, the moments I shared with Andy the remaining proof.