#this show fixed me in so many ways
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god charles was sooooo scared of edwin thinking hes a bad guy he was so worried edwin could feel the same way as crystal (lowkey scared of him) but then edwin was like wdym youre the best person i know im literally in love with you. theyre so !!!!!!! 🫂💗
#idk this is like my 7th rewatch#and that hug it keeps hitting so hard#ep 5 is sooooo good#!!!!!!#dead boy detectives#rant#fangirling#edwin payne#charles rowland#payneland#paineland#chedwin#ive seen some people on twitter use that ship name and its so funny to me ilove it#anyways#renew dead boy detectives#please please pleaseplalsee pleasesplease#dbda#this show fixed me in so many ways#i need an infinite amount of episodes
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see the thing about Astarion to me is I don't actually think he has a clue who he actually is beneath all of the everything he's got going on. he's got impulses, he's got drive, a will to live, he's got desires and amusements and cravings, but an actual selfhood?? no. there's a blue error screen where the person of him should be, the person -- whoever that was, I'm personally of the mind he likely wasn't good then either, but we'll see where the story takes us -- before Cazador. the man in front of us today is this mishmash of interior delight at freedom and sunlight but also capable of true unapologetic cruelty and willingness to be ugly in a multitude of ways. so he follows the impulse. he follows what intrigues and amuses, and nothing will take that freedom from him again. and he reflects back onto others the violence that was done unto him. a lack of power kept him down? now he wants to accumulate power, so it can never be turned on him again. but he also misses the sun while he's underground. he's mean and desperate and ruthless and it's interesting because he's unapologetic about it, he's unflinching about it. he's vindictive and mean and desperately floundering around throwing stuff at a wall to see what sticks in terms of personhood because who is he now. 200 years of horrific servitude and now he's just out and about and he's in the mud.
and he can be horrible. and yet when you take the routes of prying open the faaairly shallow veneer he has of smug and snark and snappiness, he'll give you pieces of the raw and the desperate -- "I want to know what the world sees when it looks at me. what you see." is a line you only get if you're earnest with him. any other path in the dialogue will have him continue the shallow persona you've come to know. and in all of that I think nothing is "this is real, this is an act," set in stone because I just don't think he even knows, I don't think he has a CLUE what's his and what's the protective measures and what's the real delight and what's the cruel mockery of his surroundings and what he's willing to give vs what he needs to hide vs what he lets slip out on accident. the inconsistencies in his own ideas and what he says and what he does. I think most everything about him is in a weird place of deeply uncertain. is it a lie? is it a glimmer of truth? for me, I like to interpret him in this weird menagerie of half-truths and shallow lies and omissions, because we've only known him a short while and maybe also he doesn't even know the answer yet. who is he? fuck if HE knows. anyways. smash.
#this is NOT coherent or well put together I'm just chewing on him right now like a dog toy in my brain#I do think it's so vital to not miss the point that he's shallowly horrible in so many ways#like. objectively.#not that I don't love the 'I can fix him' but imagining him soft diminishes the character for me#It feels VITAL to him that he's gnarly in so many respects. and yet floundering and insecure in so many others#self-preservation at all costs but what are you preserving babyboy! you have no clue only that you must protect yourself#he approves of and finds amusement in minor cruelties in a way that feels so .... soooo ....#I don't know. like if he can turn it on someone else that means /he/ is finally beyond the reach of someone doing it to him#because as soon as it's done to him he goes OFF THE RAILS#call him a slave and he shows a startling aggression that is fairly rare (he doesn't often yell -- merely sly and slink and snarks and digs#it's just. HIM.#I'm putting him in the microwave for around 4 minutes to see what comes out.#astarion#bg3 meta
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nickel and balloon would be so much more interesting if people explored the way nickel became everything awful that balloon used to be but so much worse ironically all in the name of "protecting" everyone from that history repeating. and not softboy tsundere yaoi or whatever is going on in those tags rn
#meeple.txt#inanimate insanity#iii they could so easily make me hate you.#nickloon arc was the worst thing to ever come out of iii#unnecessarily long and stupid and hilariously poorly written#i actually feel insane seeing how many people just accept it at face value as The Canon#i know it Is canon but i dont care. Heart❤️#we need to bring back the fandom energy of collectively rejecting the shitty writing#nickloon arc did not happen its ok. take my hand#in my heart nickel digs himself a deeper hole of denying he did any wrong and everyone at most tolerates him#fits his character built up by s2 so much better and parallels other characters too#somewhere deep in his head i feel like he knows hes wrong. but by god it should not have been that easy to ''fix'' him#hes going to deny it until it kills him bc that means facing any regret or deeper feelings he doesnt wanna deal with#and that means admitting he made mistakes which is a huge blow to his ego#and his Cool Tough Leader personality#hes not gonna give that up so easily#and i dont think its in character for him to change within the timeframe of the show tbh . at least with the time they have left now#thats like a post canon Maybe to me#the only way ill accept it really
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POOR GABRIEL MONTEZ! YOU NEVER SAW THIS COMING DID YOU? ALL YOU WANTED WAS POWER. SECURITY. SAFETY. & THATS EXACTLY WHAT YOU GOT! JUST IN EXCHANGE FOR YOUR BODY. LETS JUST HOPE NO ONE FUCKS THIS UP. LETS JUST HOPE YOU WONT HAVE TO CLEAN UP THE MESS.
#jrwi fanart#jrwi show#cw gore#jrwi suckening spoilers#jrwi suckening#jrwi gabriel#jrwi gabriel montez#LOOK FAMILIAR?hahahahahDONT WORRY#IM REUPLOADING THIS HERE BC i fixed up the drawing a lil. and also i wanted to add main tags#U WONT SEE ANY DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THISSUN N THE POST ON MY SIDEBLOG.i changed the image there too.HA!!!!!!!#ANYWAY.i rambled plenty about pain and gabe on my sideblog.SO LETS TALK ABT THE ART SHALL WE.ihad i very hard time getting the colors down#would u believe i nearly left this uncolored??FUCKED UP!! it was only a sketchhow did it end up like this. it was only a sketch...#BUT IM RLY GLAD I WENT W COLORING IT.this time i actually used the airbrush n pencil tools BUT i also have a handy dandy brush i made#its just the mspaint air brush tool. fucking LOVE THAT THING. but now its in fire alpaca and it can be slightly transparent.IT LOOKS SOGOOD#perfect for splatters and grime.i love you mspaint i love youuu.im also so happy w the blood here.i think i reached a shift last year#back when i made that genloss fanart something abt the way i draw blood finally CLICKED and im like OH. the inside must always be darker.#like i KNEW that already but it was like my hand itself finally had it click.i wonder what i will learn next?I LIKE THE ORGANS HERE TOO#not as veiny or thready as i usually draw em. but i think thats fine. not as WET as id like em to be but thats also fine.#i got the point across. the point ofc being WOW THIS IS GRUESOME AND PAINFUL AND TERRIBLE#I LOVE HIS EXPRESSION.i love pain and thinking abt pain. you lose yourself to it after enough time passes of just being in an ocean o agony#at one point its just too tiresome to scream or writhe. theres a point when the body accepts it.sometimes.atleast.#OHHH GABRIEL AS A CHARACTER DELIGHTS ME SO MUCH.he is a dog to me.a thing to serve others.I WISH I KNEW MORE#WHAT ELSE DID YOU WANT BOY?? SURE POWER AND SECURITY AND SAFETY ARE NICE.BUT DID YOU HAVE DREAMS? WANTS? PASSIONS?#WHAT WAS THE STORY BEHIND THAT TIGER TATTOO ON YOUR ARM?WHAT DO THE DOGTAGS SAY BOY?I WISH I COULD HAVE TEA W U#OHHH TO SIT DOWN WITH A CHARACTER AND JUST SPEAK TO THEM. AND YET. AND YET IN THE END ITS ALL TRAGEDY AND COMEDY#TRAGEDY AND COMEDY THAT IS SO SO PAINFULLY UNBALANCED. SIGH.#WHATEVER CMERE BOY YOURE BECOMING AN OC OF MINE NOW UR GONNA BE IN SPACE AND UR NAME IS GONNA BE VINEGAR#UR STILL GONNA BE SHIP OF THESEUSED THOUGH. OOOHHH GABRIEEELLL GABRIEL MONTEEEZZZ#HOW MANY PEOPLE WERE BUILT INTO YOU.HOW MANY DID YOU LOVE AND CHERISH.HOW MANY TATTOOS DO U RECOGNIZE ON UR NEW ARMS#WHAT WAS IT LIKE? ON THE NIGHT U WERE SIRED?WERE YOU EXCITED? DID YOU SEE YOUR BOSS' FACE?WHAT WAS THIS PROMOTION LIKE?
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ruthlessly deleting old 2021/2022 posts (not by me) from my dean studies tag like *click* un-incorporating that from my beliefs system! also the way SO many posts have me like ok uh-huh good aaand then say one completely wrong thing that loses me. it's so many posts.
#it's usually when they randomly drop some line of fanon. like saying dean has never admitted to being wrong in his life#or never expressed an emotion or been vulnerable or doesn't Talk About Feelings or is super duper RepressedTM#like i'm sorry. have you watched the show. oh and have you taken off the sammy POV goggles first?#bc this guy is always crying and being vulnerable and talking about his feelings. he is self-aware.#he may not always want to talk to sam abt things! but he sure does talk about things with other people#do i need to reblog the compilation posts AGAIN?#(also re: his sexualiy? AWARE. sorry i saw him flirt and be flustered by so many men. he knows how he feels.)#and then 'first time ever admitting to being wrong' this one came from a post abt dean's prayer in the trap#like i'm sorry but first of all. dean apologizes more than any other character on the show. there are hard numbers on this.#people have tracked this on spreadsheets. i think ilarual is one of them.#and often he is apologizing for things that aren't even his fault! but he still feels responsible for bc he's been made to feel that way#his whole life!!#other characters *cough samandcas *cough* apologizing Less doesn't mean they've Done less things wrong#it just means they're not owning up to it and brushing it under the rug. something both do frequently.#anyways. aside from apologies. dean also has no problem admitting he's wrong y'know when he's actually wrong#which is less often than you'd think bc he has pretty good instincts and intuition and often suspects things which turn out to be Right#but anyways. another thing abt the trap prayer is. i don't think cas Needed to be forgiven#i think dean was justified in feeling angry w cas over the circumstances leading to the Death of His Mother! totally normal grief response!#i think cas also understands dean to be someone who needs time to process and deal with his feelings (he says as much to jack)#however. despite me not think dean Needs to forgive cas. the thing is. with dean when it comes to cas the forgiveness is implicit#when he says /of course i forgive you/ and in the cut like /of course i wanted you to stay/ like. yes he was mad and dealing with grief#but also. yes cas was already forgiven even back then. he just needed Time to work through the feelings#anyways i think dean says he 'forgives' cas bc it's what CAS needed to hear to stop feeling guilty and dean gives him that closure#but i also think cas was already forgiven even in dean's anger. he wants him there always. i'd rather have you. we can fix this. etc etc#a lot of tags for a non-rebloggable post ajksdfs maybe i'll make these into a real post sometime#vic.txt#dean and feelings#so i can find this all again later
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no actually I’d like to hear your thoughts on the isat ending
Like i said it felt really tropey and by that i meant that it’s just Everything Good Happens forever and…..that’s it ? like idk we were building up to this huge catharsis sort of thing and then we got to it and it was so sudden and not a good payoff and just kind of nothingburger of an ending . the fact that everyone just forgives siffrin bothers me, or at least the fact that they don’t confront them about the shit they’ve said and done. call me a mental illness villainizer but i think if you’re a fucking asshole and doing the most insensitive things to the people you care about then hey, i think those ppl have a right to fucking tell you off for it. likeeee idk being at your lowest point …… not an excuse …. not feeling it chief ……. like sure the message is to move past your mistakes or whatever but ? that doesn’t mean just getting away with it ??? and i just really don’t understand Why everyone forgives him. honestly at the end of the day the ending is just one problem, the root of which are the characters. everyone feels like trope cardboard cutouts. oh, this is the smart one. this is the smol bean. this is the himbo. and they all care for each other btw. Did u hear that? they all care for each other. we’re not really going to explain to you why these people are so close or what they went through together but just trust me man they’re sooo found famy. like …. okay. i’ve played 30 hours of this game and not once did i buy that any of the characters really cared about each other. like??? why???? You’re telling me everyone super cares about siffrin even though they barely know them?? you’re telling me siffrin cares about everyone sooo much even though he never even bothered to find out their problems before ? Wat ? and this just breaks the ending more because literally whyyy do these people care about him so bad. and then it’s just whyyy does siffrin Have to tell them anything he doesn’t even seem to know them that well. everyone feels like colleagues and Just Friends at best. and so the ending just seems really forced. like it was written by that type of tumblr user who’s always talking about aww why does the found family have to break up after the end of the journey :( which is like fiiiiine. i guess. but u guys know that u have to build up to it right?? you can’t just tell me they’re Family Members(tm) 102829 times and that they super care about each other source: trust. you can’t just do that and then expect me to believe it ….. It feels unearned. the ending feels unearned and i don’ttttt understand what i’m supposed to take away from it . that it’s ok to fuck people up because you’re traumatized and insecure?? that you have to talk about your deepest problems with people you barely know??? i just dont know. Like i said if im being honest the problems with this game’s writing are more than just the ending, it just stands out so much because there’s a lot of build up and then just …… That
#honest to god if you want a Good Example of a story like this just look at dungeon meshi#we start the story from the end of the characters’ journey. they all don’t know each other very well and they’re just working together#hell they don’t even like each other that much. And then as the story develops and they go through their journey we get to see them bond and#get closer and fight and make up and admit they care about each other and still be mad at each other#nobody even gives a fuck about laios at the beginning of the story but by the end of it they’re all willing to die for him. THAT feels#earned. when marcille super fucks up and everyone tells her off for it but still wants to just make sure she’s ok That feels earned#like honest to god i’d take marcille’s arc any day than whatever’s siffrin going on#i just feel like this game suffers from a chronic Tell Dont Show syndrome. we get old over and over again that these characters are close#told*#and that they care about each other. And that’s just ….. not a way to write a story ………#when all the characters exist just to comfort the Whump Main it’s like how am i supposed to get invested. in any of this#u know when the dev replied to someone who was asking them how to write a story and they just said ‘glue your fav tropes together until it#becomes a story’? Well i think that is isat’s main problem. it’s not really a story. it doesn’t really have characters#it’s just a bunch of tropes in a trench coat. And let me tell u that is notttt how you make a story. at all. at all#anyways this was supposed to be about the ending but this story just has so many inherent problems i could critique it forever🤷♂️ my badddd#it’s fun as a game and it’s Fine as a story but at the end of the day it just reads like fix-it fanfiction to me#which is not Bad on its own but i wish people would at least recognize how the story is kind of built on sticks#cramswering
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i award this trophy to Casero Delilah Bard
#i’m rereading Threads and oh my god#she is so fucking in love#the fact that lila bard CANONICALLY cannot sleep without her ginger idiot beside her makes me feel so many things#and her no telling her about the new antari in white london bc ‘he has enough to worry about’#and the way her fingers ‘ache to heal him’#and the way she’s always running her fingers through his hair#and the way his scream ‘tore through her’#and the way she can read him so well and always just wants him to be ok#and she shows him that he is never weak#and she’s always looking to a way to stop him hurting and fix what’s broken#and she is always always always thinking of him and doing anything to protect him#my heart is so happy and it hurts so much#the fragile threads of power#adsom#a darker shade of magic#shades of magic#kell maresh#lila bard#kellila#threads of power
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i love the EVIL part of EVILIVE btw. i find fucked up, unnameable unobtainable obsessive life-ending love extremely romantic and delicious. it’s the way things are in the evilive world! things are messy! and bad! and i love it! i (at least currently!!!) do not plan on writing anything pure fluff happiness because that is not something that i wish to extract from this show.. it isn’t there! i have no interest in erasing these harsh realities of evilive in my fics. happy lalala is not fun for me to write, and i won’t do it without a heavy underlying feeling of uneasiness and uncertainty and dread and despair and inevitable death. i like pain :/ and half of this couple is one of the most greedy selfish motherfuckers i have ever come to know and he’s oh so beautiful. so i am sorry if you finished evilive and wanted some kind of fix-it happy gays but i am NOTTTTTTTT the guy for that.
#ilml#idk.#lol.#sorry feeling a little defensive this sunday evening!#reqs are open indefinitely and if you need some kind of fix all you have to do is ask :]#but i will not write anyone from this show (intentionally) OOC because i respect them too much as human beings from my TV show.#from my little kdrama that takes up a huge portion of my brain.#my reason for writing at all for evilive is to explore aspects of it that we didn’t get to see on screen#anyways whatever sorry please be gentle with me ❤️#i am just a serious and passionate guy writing about a crime noir#it’s a tragic lovestory and i am not inclined to turn it into a kissing loving understanding relationship#like srsly han dongsoo? u know him yes? he wouldn’t be down for all that#he’s hetmarried in case we forgot#SORRY im so 😵💫. but please god be gentle with me. i am baring my soul to you through my writing and i need it to be handled with care#if you wish that evilive was nice and happy you could make it that way! but i will not!#maybe someone else already has/will!#but ILML (me!) is into evilness. i like weird evil lawyers who are evil and bad. and i have no desire to turn evil lawyers nonevil#and i have no desire to take away the joys of violence and power from the other half either#and idk how many of my readers are weird/offputting queer men who have been helplessly in love with a straight guy#but it is no easy event… it is no simple doing… it can perhaps even be an EVIL thing…#STRAIGHT UP RAMBLING AT THIS POINT. APOLOGIES!#<- guy who might be a little sensitive and need your understanding
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hrmmmnn……. (walks in2 an open fire)
#foreboding 🫣#anyways i was drawing mahito . TRYING TO!! recreate the last rb#or whicjever shows his domain in s2#AND ITS KICKING MY ASS IFSNSOO FUCKING HARD ?!;&:!:$#its nawt even the hands its the lighting -__-i cant color it right#but i tried 2 push thru for mahito anon . its u and me against the world (pushing ugly stsg in this sc out kf the way)#so anyways idk if ill ever finish it T_T dont wven know if i like it enough to post as is#there r so many problems and idh the patience to fix them bht also also#what if .. the world didnt care ❤️ maybe ill post it . ill sit on it 4 a few days#jjk#jjk spoilers#jjk 236#getou#gojou
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so i have managed to get zero writing done, bc i'm out of my adhd meds. and cvs says they are on backorder so it could be a while before i get them. but i NEED them. and the store just expects you to personally call every other cvs nearby and ask them if they have what you need. you know, instead of just doing it themselves, like they should bc it's their goddamn job to see their clients receive their medication. and i cannot function without it. but i hate making phone calls, my social anxiety is so bad that i get super nervous and can barely make it through the conversation without crying. it's not fair. adhd meds like adderall have been hard to get for over a year. and my goddamn insurance won't pay for it anyway, so I'm gonna have to pay out of pocket.
#it's so fucking hard to be mentally unwell in this country#there's such a stigma around it unless you have something common like depression on generalized anxiety#but heaven forbid you have anything that shows outward symptoms#then you're just treated crap. people either pity you or think you're crazy#and it's pity. not sympathy. you know the way when people pity you and it comes from this condescending place#like they feel bad for you. but they don't think they'd ever be in a similar experience. like they feel superior at the same time#and i'm so tired#i'm so tired of crying and panic attacks and breakdowns#i've been seeing a psychiatrist for over a decade. why aren't i better?#why hasn't anything fixed me?#i've tried so many different meds. and they help somewhat. but the anxiety never goes away. and the depression keeps coming back#and the panic disorder has only gotten worse#i really thought tms would fix my brain#that it would make me better#instead i can't leave my house without having panic attacks
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OH ARTHUR BENNETT.. such a gorgeous and intriguing character. terribly burdened by a GRUESOME set of crimes, his light suffocated by a HEAVY century of GUILT. so tragic, so dark and broody, and yet PAINFULLY awkward in any social setting ever
#jrwi fanart#cw blood#jrwi show#jrwi suckening#arthur bennett#OUHH THIS ONE WAS SITTING IN MY WIPS FOR SO LOOOONGwhen i took it out there was mould on it :sob:#BUT i think i was able to fix it up okay#i keep seeing SO MANY MISTAKES RRAAAHHH BUT YOU DONT SEE THEM RIGHT?? THATS ONLY ME. RIGHT?? EXACTLY.#THE KEY IS TO SAY. AND REPEAT AFTER ME. 'FUUUCK IT WE BALL#so anyway. arthur bennett huh? grizzly says that arthur is reaal fuckin difficult to play. and i SUPER get that. i mean LOOK AT HIM..#grizz often needs a minute to think abt what hes gonna say in a way that matches w that Stoic Personality. which is FAIR but also that#ends up making way for awkward confrontations like: the lady in the parky lot. he took too long to answer and scared her away.& I LOVE THAT#arthur is tragic and sad and cool and stoic but hes ALSO awkward and silly and kinda dumb and short sighted. HE HAS COMPLEXITIES#I LOVE WHEN TTRPG CHARACTERS HAVE A GOOD SET OF SHORTCOMINGS. ESPECIALLY WHEN U FIND THEM ONLY AS U PLAY THEM.#I COULd go on and on saying the same things w different words abt arthurs intriguing and entertaining character but i shall spare u. for no#ILL ALSO MENTION HOW MUCH I LOVE HIS FLAVOR THO.. I LOVE TALL HOT BOY WHOS ONE W THE DARKNESS.. I REMEMBER WHEN HE FIRST MENTIONED THE#BADLUCK. N I WAS LIKE OOOHH THATS WHY HIS DESIGN IS SO COOL N CHAOTIC N ASYMMETRICAL. HES UNLUCKY!!! i love love love his design so much...#GRaaauruguguraguhhghghgh what else what else is there for me to spew on abt...i think im reachin a limit here..OH MAGNUS. i hope that#we get to know more abt how magnus and arthur met.. like How they became besties... ouuhh... I ALSO WANNA KNOW MORE ABT MARY DAVIS. LIKEHOW#he also apparently spent alotta time in a zone dominated by edward twilight? all he remembers is constant partying? I WANNA KNOW MORE..#i think i got room 4 one more ramble SO. THE ART PIECE.as i said its gone a lil stale BUT. im still very proud o the bits where hes allScar#I WANNA SEE HIM GET SCARYMORE. I like the idea of shadows solidifying to make him strange and eerie.like TEETH n CLAWS n SPINES n YESS#also the SILVER EYES.no1 does silver eyes like the show Claymore. they make em look so striking and eerie...i also like to think that#human arthur had deep beautiful brown eyes.just in my beaitufl heart.i mean look at him..i wanna cook him n eat him.ANYWAY#i think thats all my ramblin for this piece. now i gotta go cancel a single day i had ata hotel bc my work schedule change last minute FUCK#feel free to ramble in my tags aswell tho i read all of them and i chew on thenm and i love them so sos os mcuh
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Keep seeing Zelda movie news reactions and like feel like my only contribution right now is I'd much prefer live action to an illumination style animated movie...
#i feel like just the littlest bit its showing their target audience isnt *little* little kids which is somethingg#and idk guess like 4 years or so is still a relatively new loz fan for me but#feel like no matter what they do theres no way to please everyone#not even the games bave been able to do that#theres so many different tones they could aim for with it and w so many different mainline games who know which theyll pull the most from#just like#ofc id rather see animation#the art brain in me goes feral about the possibilities there#but idk... its always written off by vast majority of adults as kiddy stuff and like you dont have to tell me it shouldnt be#gosh do I know#but if theyre wanting to make money and be taken seriously#even find a new audience who arent prev loz fans#im not surprised really that this would be the direction theyre working towards#at the end of the day like we already have cartoon and cdi link and even they get love sometimes on this site#its just another link#and maybe one w wasted potential but that doesnt take away from all the amazing ones we already have so ajdkfkf#forgive the million typos my gosh#too lazy to try to fix them tonight but i promise i know how to spell TT
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why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up
#i'm overthinking something that i did and was told off for doing by my director#and on my way home i was thinking when was the last time i was even talked to like that during a production#and then i remembered the costume experience from hell of only a couple months ago that i've already began blocking out#but the thing is that that person was someone i knew i'd never have to work with again#i mean at first i thought i would have to work with them more. then they announced they were moving away immediately#so i only had to deal with them face to face for another weekish after that point and anytime they yelled at me#i was like 'cool. i'll do exactly what you say to do. and nothing more.' but then of course me being me#i did some extra stuff and they initially were like 'oh that's pretty' and then days later told me to cut everything i added#and like sure i get that the show was frozen but girl. that costume was unfinished. i was trying to finish it. it was frozen but looked bad#anyway. whenever they yelled at me and had actual malice in their heart i was like whatever. i was hurt. but i didn't care as much.#but this time it's someone i've worked with many many times before and it was about a habit i have that i know isn't great#but at the same time the thing that prompted it wasn't even me doing this habit it was something else#but she interpreted it as that habit and said that i can't do that on a production she's directing#and that if i couldn't stop then i could pull out from the production and there'd be no hard feelings between us#and honestly i think her reassuring that she knows i'm valuable and that she wants me there while also telling me not to do this thing#and the fact that she's someone i like working with and will continue to work with just made it all hurt so much more#especially since she referenced another past production we've done where i didn't even realize she had noticed that i do this.#and i found myself in near tears. and still am kind of in near tears. i can't decide if i need to cry or not.#and i had NO sleep last night so i was looking forward to sleeping tonight but now i'm just overthinking EVERYTHING#and like. i know everything will be fine. if i just stop inserting myself and stick to just my specific tasks. it'll be fine.#but this is one of the ways my ocd manifests. i feel like i have to personally fix something i notice going wrong. or it'll be bad.#because every single time i choose to sit back and not be nosy when i notice something it ends up bad in a way i could have prevented#if i just inserted myself in a situation i technically wasn't part of but knew i could help or fix. so i just need to not do that.#but then i feel guilt if it does go wrong in the ways i immediately assumed it would and in a way i could prevent.#and i've been trying to work on this for like 6 months and aaaahhhh it's hard and being called out on it from her just really really hurt#i still may or may not cry. i don't know. the irony of me telling my therapist THIS MORNING that it's been a while since i last cried.#and the universe being like 'i took that as a challenge' and handing me this situation for me to spiral over.#i need to leave things alone. i need to stare straight ahead. and ignore whatever isn't specifically for me to do. but ahhh i want to help#and then of course my mom has this same habit and it annoys me when she does it yet i do it to other people and ahhhhhhhh#brain please just shut up. i need to sleep. i have to work tomorrow.
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i hate my fucking father so much it is unreal annd i hate my mother and i hate my family and i hate every fucking person i grew up around for letting any of them fucking touch me. i know that shit was obvious and no one gave a fuck at all if they weren't actively encouraging it.
#it's fucking stupid how many times i had to get rushed to the hospital as a direct result of one of them#or how many times i showed up to school covered in bruises and injuries#or how i fucking freaked out whenever my dad came to pick me up from the afterschool childcare thing.#and one million other fucking things theres no way none of those stupid fucking neighbors never heard me screaming or saw me try to run out#i went to the fucking cops i went to cps i wasnt even fucking playing the part of the silent child well.#nobody ever fucking even bothered pretending they gave a fuck and now i have this stupid fucking broken body and fractured mind to show for#im so sick of it all im sick of living with the consequences of my parents actions.#i wish everyone in my family would fucking drop dead man.#child abuse#fucking whatever. man. i have to go to the doctors the day after my birthday#to see if they can fix a new thing i found out he fucked up in my fucking body. and im sick. and im tired.#personal
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My biased, really unpopular take is that I think rit/su/maya is an objectively boring ship.
#just to be clear I don’t hate it there’s absolutely nothing wrong with the ship it’s just such a nothing burger to me#like ok yes without a doubt Maya has a crush on Ritusko absolutely this is backed up by canon material#but from Ritsukos side the most the viewer comes away with is that Ritsuko holds mayas skills in decently high regard#a few moments of friendly chit chat and that’s it#it would be one thing if we actually saw Ritsukos more personal opinions on Maya but we never see that so fandom has to fill in the blanks#and now barring that all aside it’s just a ship dynamic even when fleshed out in fanon that im not intrigued by#in a show where the characters are so messy and terrible the ship feels so out of place#ohhhh Maya could fix Ritsuko NO she could not#the only way I could find the ship interesting is if you get weird with it#like focus on the inherent power imbalance of a boss and an employee how would they deal with that?#how would things change as the show progresses and Maya realizes Rituskos blurred morals#how would the ship work with Gendo in the picture? how would Maya actually help ritusko overcome her issues and deep rooted problems#and even with all that being said it’s just not interesting to me#Maya doesn’t have enough going as a character for me to care to ship her with Ritsuko#this is partly why I like misaritsu so much#you know so much about their individual characters and their dynamics that it’s easy to expand it further into hypothesizing#their relationship in a romantic light#evangelion#like misato and Ritsuko are individually super well written fleshed our characters and on top of that put in moments like the elevator scene#or Ritsukos flashback to talking about when Misato hooked up with Kaji for a week#or just every time Ritsuko looks at Misato if you really want to reach#there so many moments of good characterization between them that it’s so easy to ship them#the point I’ll give to ritsu/Maya is that the one sided crush is 100% intentional and implied in canon#Misato and Ritsukos relationship (as far as I’m aware) was never intended to be romantic or queer coded or anything like that#i’m not delusional#I don’t think anno or sadamoto was writing subtextual nuclear toxic yuri when they were thinking about Misato and ritsukos relationship#no one was in the writing room saying “oh boy I can’t wait to write subtext about how comphet Ritsuko is in unrequited love with Misato”#I’m not that far gone but purely from a potential ship perspective misaritsu has so much more going for it#asu/rei too that’s another super interesting f/f ship that people ignore#asurei isn’t my do or die ship but that’s a ship that’s genuinely super interesting to think about as a potential romantic relationship
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so glad to see my little geralt of rivia post getting notes. i am the world's most average witcher lore understander (two seasons of the netflix show and three of the books and a bunch of time spent gleaning real lore from what people use in fanfiction) but i Do consider myself more correct than most people when it comes to understanding geralt of rivia. this is because i want to put him in a centrifuge and spin him around and my judgement is therefore unclouded by things like liking him as a character
#i do love him don't get me wrong. but like. in a way where i am using him to play croquet like the flamingos in alice in wonderland#care very deeply about him. many opinions about him being a good man and a desperate disillusioned romantic#and someone who is trying so so hard to be good at all times in a world where even he can't believe it of himself#but also he's FAKING HIS STUPID ACCENT!!!!!#man who rocks up to the function in an 'i love rivia' shirt when he's never actually lived there in his life#'yeah i'm jared from new york' says jared in a very distinct new york accent. nd then u find out he was adopted as a baby and raised in ohi#and you ask him how he developed a new york accent in cincinnati and he goes 'oh my foster dad said i was adopted from new york...#so i taught myself the accent to feel like i had more of a connection. a sense of belonging y'know' like. man. what#<— geralt of rivia simulator#anyway i am the correctest about him of all time until i'm face to face with someone who's finished the books. then i'll defer#soon though... someday... i will be the one who has finished the books...#and watched more gameplay maybe. not even cause i'm interested in the games i just want to be the arbiter of information#and because aiden is mentioned in the games <3 my darling who does not actually appear anywhere in the franchise <3#will not be watching season 3 of the show anytime soon. as soon as i went near the books i was so disillusioned with the show#season 2 really took it out of me... killed off any passion i had for it...#made me write like five different fics to try and fix it...#crazy. anyway. netflix writers don't understand geralt. but i do. let it be known.#valentine notes#the witcher
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