#this should’ve never been okay
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of course my mom is trying to guilt me into staying, by using her tears 😑
#.txt#i don’t care anymore#this has been my whole life#she cries and i have to take the abuse because i have to be the bigger person#i’m done doing that#i refuse to sacrifice my mental health and sanity for others#i am no longer being the ‘bigger person’#i am not keeping the peace to please others and make them comfortable#this is just a big middle finger to me and my healing path#i WANT to heal and she won’t let with keeping me in this house#and not letting me break this cycle of toxicity#i want to finally be free#i wanna stop being in survival mode#i want to be able to feel safe in my OWN space#i want to be able to love myself#i want to heal and possibly be a mother#i don’t want my child to suffer like me#no child deserves that#i didn’t deserve it#this should’ve never been okay#why was i not protected when i was supposed to be#i deserve a healthy and safe environment/life
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Gawd I’m. it’s 4:20am and I’ve been listening to exclusively the new 21 savage album since it dropped last night and I’m thinking abt my ocs . And spacewaffles I suppose
#RRRGG I can never get Bacon’s colors right but it’s ok!!!#it’s sooo okay and fine I’m deffo not upset abt it ^_^#lifesteal smp#baconnwaffles0#planetlord#oc: Corduroy#im so proud of the name Corduroy I really like it . need to flesh out her character more <33#UGH ok I dislike how Planet’s head/hair looks and Bacon’s hair is too fucking saturated AND you can’t tell that’s it’s braids !!!#Corduroy looks fine. love you Corduroy <333#according to procreate I spent 2.5 hours on this OHGG MY GOD WHYYY#ok caption true tho new 21 kinda awesome#my favorites so far r see the real and uhh#wait hold on#and just like me . special mention should’ve wore a bonnet . THAT song takes me straight back to middle school and swing screen doors <3333#AND ICE POPS AND WATER BALLON FIGHTS that we were allowed to start past 7pm cuz parents would make us clean up and we had school#damn. I love music#ok bye I’ve been here for long enough and i probs need to sleep lol#nox art
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Trump may have won but congratulations for making the USA look fucking stupid because wdym you want a 34 count felon than a a fine ass smart woman in office?
Like yall made me predict on how dumb the US is. Finna move to England atp.
#election 2024#not to get political but bro my own people be turning against me😭#I’m not about to attack anyone for voting him (yes I am)#but I guess elect the 34 count felon who should’ve never been president I guess!#I hope it’s last years of- lemme not say it#but yall I’m coping#MY FINE WOMAN KAMALA DIDNT GET IN BUT THATS OKAY IF SHES RUNNNING THEN KAMALA2028
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Siri search for “characters who were raised a way that never felt right and they always thought it was their fault until they realized the world isn’t what they were taught it to be and they’re suddenly filled with an intense, deep-seated hatred for the system they were forced to live in and actively contributed to and dedicate their lives to undoing the damage the system has done all while never feeling like they quite deserve the peace they found after the dust settled”
#I’ve been thinking about that post asking about a person’s favorite characters#and I’ve just realized a HUGE factor in mine LMFAO#Gordo? Gavin? Jason? Zuko? Kent? ZAGREUS??#I would say Bakugo but he’s different. he decided fuck the system not for how it raised him but for how it razed his best friend#I want to have other examples but my brain has decided to forget every character ever#and it’s not just characters that rebel or turn against tyranny y’know#like characters where it CONSUMES them.#Katniss Everdeen.#they have to have that rage. that anger.#the DISGUST.#y’know?#okay so I know Jason and Kent never canonically have that moment where they see just how fucked everything was#the screen time to y’know#like if Jason hadn’t been killed he would’ve seen the abuse he endured#if Kent had been more than an antagonistic ex love interest in OMGCP he couldve had really good insight into how fucked growing up queer in#hockey was#like that moment in the bar where they’re watching Jack and Bitty kiss#that moment. that’s the rage#that’s where it starts#‘why can they have it and I can’t?’#which grows into ‘I should’ve fucking had that and they took it from me’#to ‘I will rip this apart with my bare hands until nothing but dust remains’
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i have no friends who care about me because my personality is boring and understimulating and i have no selling point as a friend and i am being left behind
#negative.#sometimes it’s like. oh i wish people liked me as much as i like them. lmao.#‘we should hang out!!’ ‘we should call!!’ ‘we should play a game!!’ okay but please actually do it :((#i feel like i take so much time to show love and care but maybe i’m doing it wrong?? do i seem fake?? is there something off putting??#i need better friends both online and offline because i’m socially starved#w the exception of like. two people??#every time i try it devolves into generic small talk#and there’s that autistic feeling that i’m saying everything wrong. i’m doing it wrong. they’re giving me that look or their text format#has changed and i’m being wrong#i can’t break out of it. i’ve just stopped reaching out these past couple months and like. genuinely no one said a thing#can anyone please show that they even think about me. like. god.#i go through hell every single fucking day and i have attempted suicide more times in the last year than the last decade#i’m not seeking attention i just?? would love for someone to give a single fuck for once. oh god.#the csa trauma that was triggered this year has been eating me whole. no one knows and no one cares to know#i’ve told two people now total now. even as i’m telling them it feels like i’m dumping it on them and making them uncomfortable#i regret telling one of them. my closest irl friend. god. should’ve kept it in. i can’t stop doing everything wrong.#anyways. i think…. i am going to go cry for a while lmao#man this sucks. mannnnnn this sucks#anyways.txt#(not a vague. never a vague)
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RIP Krakoa 🌹 I can’t lie I’ve been kinda behind since midway through Fall of X I’m gonna catch up before my first SDCC this summer but I hear Vulcan didn’t see much action anyway. Anyway my hand slipped and I found myself looking into the eyes of my canonically psychotic son the best Summers brother who’s never done anything wrong in his entire life, (he’s done lotsa wrong things but I love him more for it)
#canonically psychotic = he canonically has psychosis. (not in the ableist way in that hes evil. which he is. lemme enjoy problematic rep)#Gabriel Summers#art by seaweed#words by seaweed#X-Men Red#the Gabriel hate during the Krakoa era pffffft. was 100% from ppl who didnt read the Rise and Fall of the Shi'ar Empire#“he attacked Storm” hes also a genocidal dictator who tortures ppl for catharsis. drunkenly coming at Ororo is the least bad thing he did#“he's a douche” mother of all understatements. now get this man back w his boyfriend who he forced to be his best man under pain of death#Gabriel fans LOVE that Ororo beat his ass. he deserved it. it was a fake discourse made up by a certain segment of goddess!Ororo fans#I say as an Ororo fan! Shes my fav A-list x-man🥰 yes Gabe was at a mental low but Ororo didnt know that. that was Scott's responsibility.#psychotic Emperor Vulcan is what we call a problematic mentally ill villain trope. I love him SO much. (okay lets talk)#we don’t know much about his childhood but we do know he spent 2 years in a fugue state after escaping slavers when he was like ten ):#as an “adult”-ish he's uh “mentally” 15 or sumn according to the calculations claimed to him by his hallucination of his actual child self#and apart from THOSE hallucinations. he’s very paranoid to the point of killing his advisors because he becomes convinced-#that they’re plotting to kill him. they aren't. he relies on Calseye to ground him thru his paranoia. and then of course in the Krakoa era#he believes his energy constructs of Petra and Sway who drink with him till he blacks out every single day are real. he isnt consciously#creating them; but he sees them- and bc he’s a godlike mutant his subconscious makes his hallucinations visible. making everyone uncomfy#Charles tries to use telepathy to FORCIBLY reality check him. which of course triggers his trauma. and GABE is punished for it?#(oh plus our finding out Gabe got brain surgery done on him by some gods outside the universe offpanel. he never does well with tampering)#and now the writers who pushed Hickman out (also RIP Sabretooth & the Exiles. RIP Hellions) want us to be SAD Krakoa is gone?#yes Gabriel is the mentally ill villain trope. but Krakoa never cared for mutants who couldn’t fit in. who were traumatized. disabled. etc#Alex OF ALL PEOPLE should understand that. ALEX should’ve been there for Gabriel. (why wasn't he. did he hold a grudge for past torture.)#Alex also w Murder-Enjoying Disorder but it was actually treated as an illness and those in authority presented as wrong for excluding him#instead of helping him. which v flawed but Hellions was one of the best mental illness comics? like Zeb Wells was conscious of the genre#but Gabriel was just… cast out. for panicking when his prime traumatizer Charles invaded his mind. he deserved help too#and all because his family were annoyed at him for drinking all night and throwing up and passing out on the floor? for being delusional?#And like- all of the summers brothers are nd (Scott's brain damage; Alex's dissociative episodes; Gabriel's psychosis)#I have nothing to say about Adam X ((I highly doubt he's neurotypical and/or mentally healthy)) ((nothing to say abt him tho))#and Gabes paranoia is 100% rooted in his issues of being made to feel like an outsider. like YES the obvious MUTANT identity but also#he thinks his father abandoned him to be a slave. he's not Summers enough for Scott. hes not Shi'ar enough for the Shi'ar
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this is a test
#i’m bored i just wanna see how many words i can put in the tags like will it just keep going on forever or will they stop me like i know th#the tag limit is 30 ok so the iindividual tag limit is 140 characters that’s actually so rude i wanted to keep going forever and see how lo#g this could be but i guess we can do this 30 times ok what the flip should i talk about hm i was playing the guitar today but i rage quit#ause the song was hard and hurting my fingers! ermmmmm it was sunny ok this is boring let’s think of more exciting things to type hmmm acco#ding to all known laws of aviation- jk i’m not doing the bee movie script but can you imagine i think that would be funny hmmmmm words i lo#e podcasts so bad that’s a fact no one has ever know before my blog definitely isn’t all about audio dramas the people are definitely not a#ready aware of this jesus christ this is only the seventh one of these this is actually quite a lot of space i underestimated how much i ha#e to type btw there’s probably spelling mistakes in here somewhere or autocorrect has been annoying but i cba to retype anything so i don’t#care lolllllllllllll how do you feel about oscar malevolent i feel a normal amount actually (lie) yk what i really miss sam and colin alrea#y like i’m actually not okay i really hope we hear from sam again in s2 and also colin ngl i hope ur in the computers soz or not dead miss#im like a bastard my paranoid it king ok erm im running out of things to say um heartstopper s3 was crazy good i cried lmao i love gay peop#e so much it’s crazy i hope it gets renewed for s4 i need to reread the comics lowkey and the books they’re all so talented for being so yo#ng it scares me ngl !!!!!! the tmagp hiatus is getting to me slightly like february in reality is soon and not that far away for how podcas#ts go but seriously how am i supposed to live until then without knowing what happened. please colin be alive. ive only just realised i can#use fills stops. sorry that’s made everything a bit messy. i should’ve been doing this before. whoops. anyways. hi mutuals i love you all s#much i hope you enjoy my rambles and shitposts cause i enjoy yours very much! never think you’re being annoying i literally don’t care be a#annoying as you want posts as much as you want i am ur biggest fan <3 im getting a bit fatigued from typing like my mind is blank basically#now it’s just turned into a. stream of consciousness but i don’t really have any thoughts to put here idk if we’re halfway ermmmm omg it’s#lmost halloween how crazy is that time is flying by i kinda forgot it was october lmao. it’s wild how it’s basically almost christmas. like#what. that’s illegal. how is it wintertime again. what the flip. i miss summer already take me backkkkkkk. i hope my phone doesn’t crash or#smth cause i’ve not saved this as a draft and i cba to do any of this again. maybe i should save it. ok i will when i reach the next tag bc#ok it stopped me but i’ve saved it and holy jesus it’s a lot of text im just sat here giggling there’s really no point to any of this other#than me being bored sooooooooooooooooo (imagine if i just did the letter o for every character wouldn’t that be crazy) so wait there’s 140#haracters and 30 tags so what’s 30 x 140. someone hurry. i haven’t done maths lessons in two and a half years i’ve forgotten everything wai#let me get the calculator app ok im back it said 4100 characters so. i dont know how many words that roughly is but its. a decent amount. o#what the flip why am i wasting tag space with maths. i hate maths. my screen time has been actually soooooooooo bad recently like damn some#one put my phone in a block of ice please joshua gillespie style. my mind is running out of things to say. do i talk about myself. im james#im 18 which is weird cause wdym im an adult go away. ive run out of facts. i love podcasts and procedural dramas that stupid firefighter sh#w is my life unfortunately. i think chappell roan should be the queen of england instead of king charles. i dont like having a king cause#ho needs men in power not me. ok um this is the last tag equal rights for all. yolo. the time will pass anyways! thank u boredom ok bye gn:
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#i’ve cried so many times at work this week it’s actually embarrassing#i mean 4 of those times were today so 😵💫#hate hate loathe entirely being someone who cries when they’re frustrated#today genuinely sucked the life out of me#i’ve been so far off the planet lately#and this week is not helping 📉#god today was just a stupid fucking situation#that i never should’ve been put in#spent the whole afternoon wanting to crawl out of my own skin#and i’m still so mad about this co-worker making it worse#and for her to try check and ask if i’m okay after the fact#girl go to hell#it’s very obvious to everyone that i’m avoiding you rn#and maybeeee if someone tells you to leave me alone#you should listen or smth#i’ve vented a lot this week hey#let me log off ig#and stop posting my menty b on the internet#d stuff
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I’ll never understand younger siblings whining about their older siblings moving away like I bet yall were nasty and annoying too like wow all those years and you claim to adore the older sibling and post oh woe is me the older sibling abandoned me … girl … the older sibling didn’t have a parental certificate or anything.
#since when were we friends nor did I have any obligation over you or towards you#we are literally roommates here acting like we’re friends#dora daily#I say this cause I saw yet another younger sibling on tiktok trying to make themselves a victim like the older one is clearly avoiding the#whole family and changing their phone number so u guys don’t contact for a reason like wth did you guys do that’s so bad they would go#through all that trouble#‘older siblings will never understand how doing that affects us physically and mentally’ oh quit whining and cope#I didn’t have an older sibling I relied on only myself heck not even strangers help me when I’m in dire need#I think yall need to cope harder and wake up to the real world#not all younger siblings but a lot of them like my little brother 13yo is good id never want to abandon him but the rest … yeah bye#idgaf you should’ve not been an idiot because believe me ik kids mess up but not like this#and now she’s grovelling at my feet bye grovel harder#like just an hour ago or so she came up to me and was like I’m going to school for the first day are you gonna miss me#I said no because she always tells me no when I ask her if she missed me#and somehow she had the audacity to be upset like okay#the same girl who tells me to move out btw#my mum said oh u have to be her best friend cause if she has nobody here then she will have to rely on strangers#and she would find herself in trouble cause they don’t have good intent oh gee I wonder which person caused me to do that#it’s honestly ironic#like Eris and virtue happened because she couldn’t step up and be a normal mother byeeee#and anyways whyre you acting like having a sibling is essential#it honestly isn’t like why would I be nice to a girl who dogs on me and beats me up and is disrespectful#she’s not that young anymore she’s almost 12#‘oh they have different personalities’ well i hate hers and im not to be forced to like it either its my right
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#okay i actually want to rant a bit 😭 - not advised to read this because then you might get brain damage#because oh my god??????? weird#(was going to write an entire diary but nvm here’s the gist of it)#basically i was coming home from this chem thing right#i used the train as i always do when it comes to this. and because the new station just got a shiny renovation it is now connected to the#new mall in front of it (we have two now it’s an addition to the first one). and guess what 😭#i had to go in and get to the first mall because my dad said he’d just pick me up at the lobby instead of the bus stop in front of#the station entrance right.#and when i was on the elevator going up on a call with my mom about food orders 😭#the guy i used to have a very very VERY heavy crush on in middle grade got to the elevator leading down just as i was on the landing 😭😭#and i had to make sure i wasn’t hallucinating so as he was descending and his back turned to me i examined the back of his head and i’m#pretty sure it was him. curiosity killed the cat i should’ve remembered that shit because you know what my stupid ass did??#i was already walking away on my way to cross to the first mall but then that curiosity got the better off me and i steppedonto the elevato#leading down 😭 and followed him out into (apparently) the fucking bus stop#oh my goddd I JUST REALIZED this is my the one moment help#except i don’t think he recognized me because i was never even friends with him lmao. wrote tons of poetry about him ✅#actually had one proper conversation with him ❌#i was delusional and kept alone with my thoughts living in my head do not judge me#but seriously even though i don’t really care about him anymore this would’ve been (unfortunately) SUPER important to middle grade me#she would’ve taken it as a sign or something and write like five pages about it#and i just keep thinking about that#funny how things change because IF YOU KNEW how many credits and exaggerated compliments i gave him in my old journal#oh you would’ve laugheddd#like i used to SPEND SO MUCH TIME pondering over him it’s so 😭#i used to have an oc and i think i based it on my idea of him and then i think that idea of him was even the reason i started to TRY to#write poetically. and i used to relate every taylor swift love songs to him (esp the ones in debut lover and rep and fearless) IT WAS SO#FUNNY LOOKING BACK AT IT NOW#i think he did see me though. i put on this act as if i was searching for someone confused and then (my go to) pretended someone called me#and then i whisked off as if to find that someone#i’d like to think i look pretty cool though. not because of anything (def not my looks because i was SO TIRED from that extra chem lessons
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Supernatural’s biggest crime by far was not letting these two meet each other and in this 500 page essay I will b-
#weridgirls!!! cosmic horrors beyond human comprehension!!#jaaaane didn’t even set off heavens ALARMS! what was THAT about?!#oh good loooord we didn’t get enough of Jane..#‘oh there’s a nephilim chilling on earth?’ okay…#Jack shows up and NOW the universe is all ‘hollllyyyyy shit GET HIIIIM!! he’s messing up the balance of the natural order!’#like I’m sorry????#Jane got a pass for that long…#she should’ve never died#she was awesome!#anyways I think they would’ve been so neat as a duo#nephilim to nephilim communication!#awwww sick you can [unintelligible enochian sounds followed by popping lightbulbs] too?#me too!!#and then they became buddies#supernatural#spn#Jack Kline#Jane supernatural#Jane the nephilim#late night thoughts about spn
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i’m mad about the implications of the lion switch and the way the creators/writers/whoever the fuck ignored it again
if lance going from blue to red was supposed to signify his attention/attraction switching from allura to keith WHY DIDNT IT FUCKING HAPPEN
listen. allura never reciprocated his feelings. blue SHUT. HIM. OUT. honesty it was pretty fucking obvious keith had a thing for him: bonding moment, “lance i got ur lion back”, “are you joking?” in the softest fucking voice ever, etc etc and red ROARED FOR HIM. RED CHOOSE HIM.
why tf wasn’t klance canon. there was so much development for it to happen but noooo we hate gay people or sum
#all three of them deserved so much fucking better#klance#kick#in 2023?#yeah…#keith kogane#lance mcclain#vld#voltron#voltron legendary defenders#voltron legendary queerbait#voltron legendary disappointment#voltron legendary disaster#literally every single one of em#lance should’ve never been a rebound or end up a farmer#allura should never have fucking died??? AND to redeem an abuser???? wtf was that???#she should’ve been made the new queen of altea and led her people. maybe settle down w someone (romelle) later down the line#keith should’ve got his happy ending at home safe w his brother and his husband (ADAM) and with his mom#and the end credits should’ve been klance wedding#okay okay#i honestly wanna rewrite it all#like as a fic#but that would mean i’d have to rewatch that shit show again#and write like 8 seasons 😭#god.
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I wonder if it’s just normal for every place of work to have a dirty microwave because… yeah.
#I just feel like you’re grown… you should know that you were the one to make that mess right? clean up after yourself#you’re taught that when you’re little man#and even if you hadn’t you should’ve learned some kind of cleanliness along the way#and at these jobs they treat staff who have to clean up after others like slaves#I never cleaned the microwave out at mt last job and I complained about it a lot during our group huddles like we are not your slaves#you clean up too! and they’d be like ‘okay Tariah’s :/.’#because really#at this new place#it looks like the microwave had been cleaned but man#if you are putting food into the microwave you should at least place a napkin over it so that the food won’t pop all over the insides?#also#it’s just nice to wipe the microwave down some dish soap/bleach to get ride of the smell at least#I hate the smell of lingering food so much man it makes the area smell so bad#pisses me off#rambling
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I…
So I grew up watching The Simpsons. And maybe I shouldn’t have, but hey, it was the 90s and parent-sanctioned family time to watch a show that was definitely inappropriate for little-little kids.
Anyways.
I knew Phil Hartman, voice of Troy McClure and Lionel Hutz died in 1998, when I was seven. I knew he died and was sad about it. I missed his characters.
MOTHERFUCKER I WAS TODAY YEARS OLD—30-FUCKING-2 TO BE EXACT—WHEN I FOUND OUT, FROM A YOUTUBE THUMBNAIL, THAT HE WAS MURDERED. IN HIS SLEEP. BY AN EX-PARTNER.
WHAT THE FUCK
#I assumed he was old and just passed away. maybe he was sick. how do you explain to a 7yo that a voice actor was MURDERED#and idk the state of the show nowadays but esp in its earlier seasons it was definitely meant to push boundaries and yeah#I don’t think I should’ve been to it before the age of 8 to 10#at minimum. but also. SO much just flew over my head. and we know now I. autistic and my parents are autistic#and do you know how many echolalia swims we all have from that show? 😂😅#*stims goddamn you autocorrect. every day the apple company curses my tags. I miss having an actual keyboard god damn it#apple talks#to the tune of spam#my parents weren’t naive enough to think all animation is for kids like there were plenty of shows I hasn’t allowed to watch as a kid#but idk man. for some reason the Simpsons and the critic were a-okay#but king of the hill wasn’t?? honestly I think it had more to do with whether or not my dad in particular liked a show than whether or not#it was deemed ‘appropriate for children’#my mom tried to ban me from watching sailor moon bc she said it was just ‘little girls jumping around in short skirts being saved by the boy#like hi mom I’m gay. and also watched it in secret for several years. she never found out. I told her long after bc I thought it was#hilarious. mostly she was just mad bc my grandpa was supposed to be watching me lmao
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i am not a full pennymav truther but the screenwriters kinda went off with this… i think cutting lines out was a bad idea since this kinda gives the viewers more sense to their relationship and fleshes out their dynamic
#‘it’s the only look you got’#LIKE…#SHE KNOWS#okay NOW i’m done#goodnight y’all#that was definitely smth#should’ve never been given access to the script#pete maverick mitchell#penny benjamin#top gun maverick#second screenshot looks wonky bc i had to edit 2 pages together LMAOOOOO
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i was considering drawing something shippy for valentines day and then i remembered i don’t care abt any ships. or romance. or valentines day. i don’t even like red and pink as a colour combo 80% of the time
#chocolate is okay. hearts are pretty cool.#i should draw rouge in some cute clothes maybe#maybe amy#who knows if i can still draw though it’s been almost two weeks lol#rambles#honestly i don’t even hate valentines day i think hearts are cute it just never got better than what it was in elementary school#that should’ve been what it was forever#the cards and heart shaped candy and the anonymous roses that everyone got their friends#the whole aesthetic of it is nice though. when it’s not combining the most horribly clashing reds n pinks ever
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