#this series is completely self-indulgent
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#vegaspete#kinnporsche#kinnporsche the series#the house on sathorn#bangkok#thailand#my trip#mine#this series is completely self-indulgent#don't mind me#i have stood where bible stood
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Different standards
#didnt mean to do this one in quote unquote colour but it wasnt legible without it so. heres a treat i suppose#isat#isat spoilers#in stars and time#in stars and time fanart#isat fanart#isat loop#isat bonnie#lucabyteart#coughs up a lung. anyway. ramble time as per usual. this is what i was warming up for btw in case it wasnt obvious#besides being another entry in the 'letting bonnie read loop for filth on accident' series. this is mostly self indulgent musings on#headcanons (and i will just use that word here.) ive previously rambled about in other tags and posts#namely: in the scenario that loop integrates into the party as a New Person for quite a while before The Truth Come Out. i feel they have#a decent chance at really scoring a slam dunk in becoming a guardian figure for bonnie? loop's demeanor is already colder and a tiny#bit more level-headed than siffrin's in the way they seem to discuss bonnie with them. namely pointing out that bonnie#never really hated them. it seems to be one thing they're genuinely at peace with? they've seen by now the truth that bonnie#was just scared and upset. and likely now knows that what bonnie wants is to be treated with grown-up respect within reason. plus loop#already scores bonus points with bonnie since they didnt 1. fuck up bad like sif did in act 5 and 2. saved sif in the party's eyes#... but then when it turns out that this clean-slate relationship with a stranger was siffrin being deceitful? must have been odd.#bonnie seems to really dislike being lied to. the question is whether they'd see it that way? would they feel betrayed there?#anyway. this is set after all those emotions are at least settled some. loop able to be more physically affectionate... and yet#still not letting themselves be quite as close as they'd like perhaps. perhaps...#anyway translucent pyjamas because i dont care if you're comforting a crying child you've GOT to SERVE!!!#and also i feel like the party probably wouldn't let loop stay completely naked for that long. especially not post-reveal anyway
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KISS X KISS X KISS: Love ii Shower (2023) Nagumo Shoma + face caressing / being worshipped
#kiss x kiss x kiss#kissxkissxkiss#kiss x kiss x kiss love ii shower#nagumo shoma#takemoto yusuke#sakurai tetsuya#atelier kiss#userrlaura#userfaiza#moonlightsdream#userharu#uservix#userlera#jdramasource#jdramaedit#jdrama#bl series#asiandramanet#asiandramasource#japanese drama#when your man is this gorgeous of course you're gonna worship him#his partners always seem to be struck by his beauty#and i can't blame them bc he's absolutely gorgeous#this is of course a completely self indulgent gifset and pls ignore the less than perfect editing#mywork
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Build-A-Bear Pompompurin!!
#pompompurin#!!!!!#build a bear Pompompurin#i love him#i don't have him yet#but i will#i think I'm going to make this a series#because there's a pochacco one now!!!#anyway i hope you enjoy!#even though like the last one this is completely self indulgent#sfw interaction only#moodboard#sfw agere#age regression#agere#sfw littlespace#agere moodboard#babyre#baby regression#age dreaming#food cw#food mention#food
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I want you to kiss me.
bonus:
#gale dekarios#gale of waterdeep#gale x tav#tav x gale#baldur's gate 3#bg3#bg3edit#ch: karl eifers#ch: gale dekarios#otp: you give me hope#vg: baldur's gate 3#series: baldur's gate#gif: mybg3#this is utterly and completely self-indulgent but i love how a taller protag has to bend down#also cinematicnodecontext: [smooches] is v dear to my heart
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The Culling
Pairing: Aegon II Targaryen x Fem!Reader
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Child death, su*c*dal ideation, su*c*de attempt, domestic abuse (not from Aegon), suggestive content, terrible parenting from several parties. No use of Y/N.
Summary: A Prince and a Lady learn they have much in common, becoming inseparable when they realize the other might just be their reason to keep going. A story about two broken people healing themselves by healing one another.
Word Count: 14.9K
Chapters: One, two, three.
Author's Notes: I haven't written any Reader works in years; and I'm experimenting with a 3rd person omniscient pov for this. Hopefully it's readable and enjoyable. This story will be a few chapters long, and if the warnings haven't made it clear; it's mostly angst of the hurt/comfort variety. P.S: The warnings encompass the entire work, not just this chapter.
AO3 (I recommend reading it there where it's formatted properly, Tumblr is the bane of my existence when it comes to that.)
Chapter I: My Tongue On Your Pulse, My Finger On Your Wound
She’d been on the Red Keep for three moons. An extended stay arranged by her mother and father. Her mother had brought her along with Lady Selysse, who in turn was a dear friend of one of Queen Alicent’s ladies-in-waiting. It was a roundabout way to have access to court, House Gaunt was near insignificant. Something that was irrefutable, but that should not be said in front of her father. Something he was desperately seeking to change. And that’s why she was there.
With the assistance of her mother, she was to find herself a good match. Bind their House to another in hopes of bolstering their own. The aim was to look for a match with a southern house, preferably ones closer to their own lands, but that possessed considerable sway. Despite being in the Red Keep, where the greatest power in the realm resided, her parents were not planning to attempt to bind her to anyone truly close to the King. Her parents knew their station was well below any of them, and her father would loathe to appear desperate on the eyes of anyone. And thus, finding a Lord with influence, but closer to them in station was the priority. One that she, unfortunately for them, has yet to meet.
At five and ten, she looked as comely as it would be expected of a Lady in her station as her father would tell her. She’d have no trouble catching the eye of the Lords and their sons. That much she found had been true. And she played her part in making acquaintances with many, it would start well, but it would always fall through in the end. Whatever drew them to her not being enough to hold their interest. She could attribute such to her own actions; she’d begin acting like she was expected to, but eventually she’d tire, and she’d let herself be who she is. And her true self, as it turned out, wasn’t captivating for them. Every failed courting attempt made her mother increasingly more disappointed, and while that caused her apprehension, she’d gladly bear her mother’s disappointment if it meant she did not have to marry any of the Lords she’d met thus far. Her miniscule dedication to her parents goals decreased with each passing day, and instead she gravitated towards the princes, as well as princess Helaena. Much closer to you in age, they made your days slightly less dull.
Prince Aegon was the closest to her in age, at four and ten. And he was a thorn at her side. He had approached her once, a couple of days after she had arrived, a cocky smile and a saunter hoping to have you swooning, only to find himself being rebuffed. Something he was unused to, every young Lady in court swooned over the Prince, and she did not. It upset him, and it found him coming back to try again. And she would deny him at every turn.
It entertained her greatly to see him come to her with slightly different approaches, and none of them worked. At some point their interactions started to grow from his failed attempts to conquer and into somewhat short conversations. More often than not they’d end with one or the other proclaiming to be irritated by the other, while still seeking one another out. Some silent agreement that they did not hate each other’s company, but that both refuse to state it so.
Today she was at the courtyard, watching disinterested as the young princes trained with their wooden swords. It was not that she held no interested in the art of swordplay, but that her stay was coming to an end, her return home scheduled by the end of the week, and with no match to show for, that meant her mother would be furious throughout the journey home, and once she was there, all of the polite façade would fade. Her mother would be as she always was, her father would be disappointed, yes, but it’s her mother who’d never let her know peace for ruining such an excellent opportunity for their house.
The building dread kept her from finding any enjoyment in what she watched. Even when she knew that Aegon had spent the entire time she had been there, trying to put on a show for her. He’d wink and bow, and she would see through him. There were a couple other young ladies around who’d giggle at his antics, and he’d look frustrated when he saw that they all reacted as he expected, save her.
But that was also something he had come to expect, what puzzled him wasn’t that her reaction differed from theirs, it was that she was displaying no reaction at all. In the past weeks he had come to learn that she liked their push and pull. And he enjoyed it too, no one else in the Keep could keep up with him. She was the only one to raise to his level and he appreciated that. To see her completely aloof and not partaking in their usual antics had him impatient and curious. With a final well-placed parry against Jacaerys who stumbled and nearly fell to the dirt, Aegon raised his hand to wave him off.
“We’re done for the day, nephew.” He said and walked past him to take the training sword back to it’s place. Criston walked to him, clearly intent on telling him that, no, the training was not over yet. But Aegon looked at him with what he knew was a final look. Cole arched his brow but decided to let him off this time, Aegon was surprised, he didn’t usually get off training so easily. But he would not look a gift horse in the mouth. He stripped of his gambeson and went to the nearby bassinet to wash the sweat off of his face, waiting for the courtyard to clear while he cooled from all the hitting and swinging. When he deems the place empty enough, he walks over to where she stood, coming to a stop on a column beside hers, where he leaned casually, studying her with curious eyes. Noting she looked to be so far away that she had not noticed most people had already left.
“May I help you, my Prince?” She said courtly when she finally noticed him starring.
Aegon smirked. He recognized the barely hidden mock on her tone, one of fake decorum towards him that he had grown accustomed to.
“You may…” He said with a tone that carried a playfulness to it. “I just wondered why is it, that you haven’t spared me a single glance when I’ve been here practicing all day for you?”
“Mayhaps, you weren’t the one I came here to see.” She jabbed at him. She was well aware of Aegon’s reputation and overall attitude by then. It didn’t bother her, in fact, his seemingly unshakable ego was the greatest source of entertainment she had found in court.
Aegon raised a brow at her retort. And there here it was; the hint of the girl he had gotten used to. “Oh really?” Aegon asked, pretending to be offended. “If not me, then who else?” He tilted his head to the side, studying her curiously.
In truth, she had not come to see anyone, having wondered aimlessly until she had stopped in the courtyard. But now that she was there, she saw an opportunity to tease him; and tease him she would. At first she wanted to say Aemond, or Jacaerys, but she knew that wouldn’t be believable. They were both too young still, boyish. And so she found her pick on the other end of that spectrum.
“Ser Criston. An excellent teacher, I’ve noticed.” She said with barely contained amusement.
Aegon chuckled, more out of surprise than anything. She was full of those. “Ser Criston?” He said, feigning jealousy. “Really? Him of all people?”
He took a couple of steps forward, standing a bit too close to her to be considered polite. But Aegon had never cared much for the rules.
“Come now. Surely you find me more handsome than him.” He said, a grin spreading on his face.
“That’s entirely subjective.” She said.
“Is it, really?” Aegon turned to face her fully, looking at her with his usual smugness. He folded his arms across his chest, leaning his weight onto one leg. Despite his cocky demeanor, there was a hint of genuine curiosity visible in his eyes.
“And what do you think, then? Who is the most handsome man in the realm?”
“I’ve not seen all the men in the realm.”
“Fair enough.” Aegon conceded, amused by her. He tilted his head again as he considered her, his gaze taking in her features.
“Well then, let me rephrase: Do you think I am handsome?” He spoke with confidence that he had her in a corner.
“I think you think you are handsome.” She turned to face him, leaning her back against the cold stone pillar.
He was objectively a handsome young man. There was no doubt about it. But she refused to give him the satisfaction of knowing what she thought of his looks.
Aegon huffed and grinned, “Oh, I don’t think, I know.” He said. “And I also know when I’m being evaded. You’re sidestepping the question.” He leaned forward, eyes slightly squinted has he observed her. “Why is that? Are you afraid to admit that you find me attractive?”
She let the question hang in the air for a moment, before she gave him an answer.
“Fine, Aegon. You’re pretty.” She said with a roll of her eyes.
“You’re pretty... like a girl.” She then added, a victorious smirk on her lips.
It wasn’t necessarily supposed to be an offense. But she knew he’d likely take it as such. And she wasn’t entirely wrong.
It took all of Aegon’s discipline — he didn’t have a lot — to not let his smile slip. He’d been called many things; arrogant, careless, irresponsible, but never this.
“Like a girl?” He repeated, his voice laced with indignation. He wasn’t exactly offended, more so surprised, but he decided to play up his reaction to see how she’d respond.
“I assure you, I’m very much a man.” He huffed, taking a step closer.
“I never said you weren't.” Is all she had to say in return.
“Oh?” He said, raising a brow. Aegon took another step, closing the distance between them.
“You think I’m pretty like a girl.” He echoed her words, his voice dropping. “What does that make me, then? A pretty little princess?” He questioned.
“Is that what you want it to mean?” She challenged him.
Aegon’s lips curled into a smirk at her comment. He took yet another step forward, forcing her to press fully against the stone behind her. If they stood any closer they’d meld together with the pillar behind her as some gruesome display of art. His gaze was fixed on her face, searching for any hint of discomfort.
“You’re a bold one, aren’t you?” He said, his voice low and edged with a hint of amusement. “No, I’m not a princess, I’ve never cared for pretty clothes or pretty words.” He leaned in, his face now mere inches away from hers.
“A shame. I think pretty clothes and pretty words would suit you.” She said without a hint of sarcasm.
Ever since she’d met the Prince she had thought something about him asked for softness, gentleness. She came to easily tell that he hid behind his bravado, like most men and boys did. Lest they be seen as weak. And for that very reason she had known he’d take her honest comment for a teasing gesture at least, or an offense at most.
Aegon’s smile faltered, has he studied her face he could not tell whether she mocked him or not. And he hated it. He didn’t like the way he was having trouble reading her, because he felt he didn’t know how to react appropriately because of it. And so, he did what he did best — he put on a mask of aloofness to hide his growing uncertainty. He tilted his head to the side, his gaze flicking over her features, choosing to believe she was still playing their usual game.
“You think so?” He teased, tone carrying a hint of sarcasm. “You’d like to see me in a pretty dress, is that it?”
A smile bloomed on her features at his words. “Though the thought is most enticing... Not quite.” She decided to put the teasing behind. Something in her told her that the time for games were over. That whatever time remained to her, she should use it wisely. And she chose honesty.
“I just meant; you’re pretty. And pretty things should be taken care off.” She began. “You don’t have to dress like a girl, merely care for yourself like a girl would.” She finished. Though she felt like her explanation was lacking she still hoped it would make some sense to him. However she knew he wasn’t likely to take it well.
Aegon’s smirk faded into a scowl at her words. He had expected her to go along with their usual teasing, not to give him what seemed like a serious reply.
“What I’m poorly trying to convey; is that if you put the effort on yourself, you’ll be seen differently. Feel differently.” She added after seeing his expression. But, it seemed as though she still failed to get her message across. For her words were like a stab to his pride, temper flaring in response. It wasn’t only that she implied he didn’t care about himself — he didn’t — it’s that she spoke as though she cared.
“And why, pray tell, would I care about your or anyone else’s opinion of me?” He shot back defensively.
“Because if people want you, really want you. It means that first, you wanted yourself.”
Her words came as a surprise even for her. But she knew why ultimately she had spoken them. She felt as though they were kindred spirits underneath the teasing and the back and forth and the pretending. And to him, her words seemed to have struck a cord. And he hated her for it in that moment. For putting him on the spotlight that way. For seeing how much he actually wanted that; to be wanted. He hated that in that moment he desperately hoped that her understanding meant she wanted him. But admitting so felt too vulnerable, terrifying. And thus he tried to keep his mask of indifference, it was the only thing he knew to do. Having been looked at with disgust by his mother one too many times for displaying anything remotely vulnerable, he learned to hide it as best he could — he often failed, to both his and his mother’s disappointment.
“People want me.” He retorted, jaw clenched. “Girls flock to me wherever I go. I don’t need to make any effort to be wanted.”
“Do they flock over to you, or do they flock over to the Prince?” She tilted her head slightly.
“Those two things go hand in hand.” Aegon fired back, bristling at her comment. He tightened the arms folded across his chest and took a step backwards, putting space between them. He felt cornered, even if he wasn’t the one backed into stone.
“Why does it matter?” He asked. “I have them fawning over me either way, don’t I?”
“Sure, and afterwards you feel just as empty as you started because it’s not real.” She stated. “They don’t want Aegon, they want the Prince.” Aegon clenched his jaw in irritation. The more she spoke, the more she peeled away his veneer of carelessness.
“Careful.” He warned, voice sharp. “You don’t know anything about me.” He took a deep breath, his gaze drifting over her face, trying to figure out what she had to gain by saying these things.
“I know more than you think.” She told him.
“Why do you even care?”
“Maybe because we’re not so different. And you’d know that if you wanted me, not just the prize between my legs.” She hoped he’d see it. That he wanted her just as superficially as they wanted him.
She wasn’t upset that he only wanted to bed her for his own ego. She was used to being seen as a means to an end for long enough that it no longer mattered.
Aegon’s breath caught in his throat, he wanted to immediately rebuff her and deny her words. But he ultimately couldn’t deny that there was truth to her words. His pursuit of her was driven largely by his desire to conquer — to forget, to numb his mind however briefly, to feel loved and wanted even if for a moment — add another conquest to his list. But the way she saw through it with unwavering honesty, was equal parts infuriating and terrifying.
“You’re wrong.” He said through his teeth, eyes shifted into a glare. “You’re not a prize. I just like the chase.” He shrugged, trying to conceal the truths she laid out in front of him.
"You just proved my point." She gave him a half smile. "They want you for what you can give them, not for who you are. And in the end it's all meaningless."
Aegon disliked your smile, he disliked how you pointed out his flaws to him. He disliked how exposed he was. He wanted to flee, to turn around and forget this exchange ever happened. And yet, he stayed. Perhaps it was because he was familiar with being told he was doing things wrong. Well, he was used to have fingers pointed at him, and words yelled to his face condescendingly. But never like this.
“It’s not meaningless.” He insisted in an attempt to convince himself as much as her “It brings me pleasure, then there’s meaning. It doesn’t have to be anything else.”
“Maybe.” She acquiesced. “But they’re fleeting pleasures and little else. They are unfulfilling long-term.”
Aegon scoffed. “Who are you to say what fulfills me?” He retorted. “You think you know me better than I know myself?”
“No. Perhaps I don’t.” She conceded. “But I know myself.” She took a step forward. “And in your eyes, I see the same emptiness that stares back at me in the mirror.”
There was a deep sadness, and an anger that simmered within her. It bubbled just under the surface has she spoke. And when she was done, she realized just how much she admitted to. She did not know why she felt this compelled to bare her soul to him.
Aegon’s smug expression faltered as her words hit him. And there was a brief look on her face that he knew was similar to the one he wore. He knew that look; that loneliness. And just as her own words said: it was the look that stared him back in the mirror. The one he tried to pretend wasn’t there every single time he looked. For a moment, he was at a loss for words. Her own hanging in the air; binding them in some sort of invisible shift. Because both knew they’d never be able to look at one another the same after this. He hadn’t expected her to reveal her own faults like this. To admit that she wasn’t above him. It made his defenses waver a crack in the armor grafted into his very being.
“I can’t fix myself anymore.” She cut through the silence, placing a gentle hand on his cheek, “But maybe… I can mend my own reflection.”
I’m broken beyond repair. You; are not.
Were the words she left unspoken. Instead she gave him a teary-eyed smile and pushed past him to leave the courtyard. She had not meant to bare herself to him that way, and she couldn’t handle his gaze. His judgement. Likely because they were similar. She knew what she saw in herself wasn’t something she liked. Therefore, she expected him to judge her as she did herself.
Aegon stood frozen for a few moments, his heart pounding in his chest. Her touch and her words had seared him raw. He had learned to expect harmless mockery, rejection, and maybe even indifference from her in these past weeks. But he hadn’t expected this. A vulnerability, understanding, a desire to help that was so genuine it made him shiver and cower into himself.
She had crossed almost the entirety of the courtyard by the time he snapped out of his initial daze. He turned around and part of him wanted to reach out, but he didn’t. He wouldn’t know what to say if he did. He stood rooted to the spot where she had left him, watching her leave, feeling lost and bewildered.
She fled from the courtyard as if it were on fire. She had not been in King’s Landing long, but in the short time she’d been there, Aegon caught her eye. Not for the reasons he caught everyone else’s attention, but because something about him felt familiar to her. She felt she had to help him. Because no one had done it for her. There’s something irrevocably shattered within her that is no longer fixable, and thus she hoped to heal him instead. A way to bring balance to things. She’d be going home in four days time, it was not nearly long enough to accomplish anything that mattered, but she hoped, perhaps foolishly, that her honesty did something for him. Because it was all she had to give.
Aegon found himself staring at the spot where she had long vanished to, her words echoed in his mind ceaselessly. He tried to make sense of the maelstrom of emotions that warred in him, but try as he might, he couldn’t pick them apart. She had seen straight through him, laid bare his flaws, and then offered to... help him? It was baffling. Whenever anyone pointed out how lacking he was, it was only to chastise him. There was never compassion in their words, only contempt. As if he was something they had to deal with. As if they wished he was anyone else. He wasn’t used to being seen as someone worth fixing, someone worthy of help. He wasn’t used to be seen as Aegon. He was used to being a failure and a disappointment. His own self never worth knowing.
They don’t see one another until the evening of the next day, when Queen Alicent arranged a supper with all of her guests, the House Gaunt representatives included. When Aegon arrives he is dressed sharply in blacks and golds. His hair had definitely been washed, falling in soft silver-gold waves over his shoulders. Very unlike the clumped together and oily mess he usually had going on.
The young Lady Gaunt smiled proudly from her seat when she spotted him. He never seemed to care enough to properly put himself together for anything, ever. She knew it to be true, for there had been a ball a few days after she came to the city, and she witnessed Queen Alicent chastising him for his carelessness unbefitting of his station. Yet, today he looked different. She still felt raw with shame due to how much she had revealed about hers to him the morning before. But seeing him this way, it had been worth it in her eyes.
As Aegon walked into the dining room, his gaze immediately swept over the gathered guests, searching for her. When his eyes finally settle on her figure, sat alone towards the end of the table, his heart skipped in his chest. A mixture of excitement and nervousness coursing through him. He had spent every hour since he saw her last, thinking about her words. Replaying your conversation in his mind over and over again. And he knew he had to see her talk to her.
His eyes met hers then, and he found himself smiling when he saw her own. For once, he didn’t feel like putting on a grand display for conquest, he just wanted to speak to her, be close to her. And so he walked to her, and it was confidence she saw. Not his usual saunter but something a little different, more natural. Something she could get used to seeing. When he arrived at her chair, she greeted him first. “A fine evening, my Prince. You look well.”
Aegon practically beamed at her words, the compliment making his chest swell with pride. He knew he looked good that night, but hearing it from her made it real to him.
“Thank you, my Lady.” He said, voice tinged with a hint of excitement. “As do you.” He added and took her hand in his, bringing her knuckles to his lips. She flushed slightly at his compliment, and he admired the way the candlelight framed her features.
“Thank you, my Prince.” She said, and he let go of her hand. Both of them immediately missed the warmth of each other’s touch.
“May I sit with you?” He asked, gesturing to the empty seat beside her.
“Since when do you simply ask for things?” She said with an arched brow and a smirk toying in the corner of her lips. Aegon grinned and chuckled quietly, eyes glittering with amusement.
“I suppose you’re right.” He said as he took the seat to her left. Deliberately brushing her shoulder with his. “I usually don’t ask. I just take what I want.”
“Am I still something for you to take, then? ” She asked with a playful tone. He laughed at her question, his eyes never leaving her face. The way she effortlessly could keep up with him made him crave her company in ways he never imagined he’d want for someone.
“Is that what you want to be?” He chuckled, resting his chin on his palm as he tilted his head. It wasn’t lost to either of them how his words echoed something she had said to him in the courtyard.
“No. I don’t think you do. Otherwise you would’ve made my life a whole lot easier these past few weeks.” He continued, his tone turning slightly suggestive. “Maybe you’re to be earned, not taken.”
“And why is it you want me, my Prince? Do remember what I told you yesterday.” She said then, voice carrying the hint of a warning.
Aegon leaned back in his chair turning his head to meet her gaze. Her question was simple at face value, but it still cute him like a dagger, reminding him of how he saw her — and every other Lady — before. He could feel the heat rising in his cheeks, from embarrassment, yes. But also from a building feeling he could not yet describe.
“It’s... complicated.” He said at last, his voice quiet. “I can’t quite explain it.” He admitted and ran a hand through his hair, a sigh escaping his lips. “All I know is I can’t stop thinking about you.” He admitted, his voice near a whisper.
She gave him a genuine and soft smile. “That might be the most honest thing you’ve said to me.” She touched his forearm with the same gentleness that she spoke with. “I appreciate that.” Aegon’s pulse quickened at her touch, his heart hammering against his chest. He glanced down at your hand on his arm, and couldn’t help but notice how nice it felt. How right it felt.
“Perhaps I’ll have to be honest more often then.” He said, returning her smile. “Just for you.”
“As flattering as that is; don’t do it for me. Do it for you. I won’t be here long after all.” She caressed his forearm again before taking her hand away, seeing that most people were now sitting at the table.
Aegon’s smile faded slightly has she reminded him that she would be leaving soon. He had almost forgotten in the moment, in the easy banter and the comfort of her presence — when had her presence began to feel comforting? Was it before the fateful conversation in the courtyard? Or before? He wondered. As she withdrew her hand, he felt a pang of disappointment, a strange emptiness where her touch had been.
He leaned in closer, his eyes fixed on hers. “But why does it have to be done for a reason?” He asked genuinely, his voice quiet so that no one else could hear. “Why can’t I do it just for you?”
“Because, my Prince, you mustn’t rely on other people. Not even me. Other people will disappoint you, use you, forget you, hurt you. When you put yourself above all else, only then you are safe.”
She told him, and in her voice one could tell those words came from experience. The thing she doesn’t tell him, is how living that way leads to an overbearing loneliness. But she thought it was a fair exchange to keep ones heart safe from all perils.
Aegon’s expression darkened at her words, his eyes searched her face. He could sense the weight behind her statement, wisdom born from pain — who would be so cruel as to harm her this way? He felt anger towards someone he did not yet know. He knew her words weren’t untrue, but hearing her say it out loud hurt nevertheless. He wanted her close. Yet her advice implied the very opposite.
“But if I do things just for myself…” He started to protest, his voice tinged with both defensiveness and pain. He wanted to challenge her. “Isn’t that the same as being a selfish prick?”
“A good point.” She smiled. She felt pride at being able to instigate his thoughts this way.
“It depends on how you do it, I think. For example, I’ll not act like a prick to others because it makes me feel bad. It is less about their perception of me, and more about what works for myself.” She paused, pensively trying to articulate her thoughts the best she could. “That to put oneself first doesn’t necessarily mean choosing to hurt another.” She still felt like she could have explained it better, but left it at that.
Aegon listened intently as she explained herself, his gaze never wavering from her face. He could see her sincerity, the unwavering belief in what she spoke. He shifted in his chair, pondering her words. It made sense, and he could see the merit in it. Maybe she was right. He let out a soft laugh.
“When did you get so wise?” He asked with both admiration and amusement.
“I never changed. You just never paid attention.” She smirked.
“You’re not wrong, I’ve never been accused of being particularly perceptive.” He admitted with a rueful smile and shrug.
“It’s a shame, really.” He continued, his gaze roaming over her features. “I could have gotten to know you a lot better before now. It’s just... I’ve always been better at noticing things like…” He gestured to her figure, a sly smile on his lips.
As it would turn out she was not nearly as immune to his charms as she pretended to be; and a blush crept up her cheeks. She picked up a wine goblet to hide behind then.
“In your defense, this,” She gestured at him like he did at her “is what we all notice about anyone at first. You just need to want to see past that.” She said and took a sip of her wine.
Aegon’s smirk widened at her flushed cheeks. He enjoyed seeing that he did have an effect on her. It was only fair given how she seemed to own his entire being with nothing but her words. He chuckled quietly the explanation, then leaned in closer, his voice low.
“Alright, I’ll concede that you’re right. It’s far easier to notice that when you first meet someone.” He paused, a sly smile tugged at the corner of his mouth as he deliberately looked her up and down. “And yet there’s still a lot to more to be seen in you.” He added. Truly bewildered that even though he was undeniably attracted to her, he found himself wanting to know her, more than he wanted to have her.
“Don’t sell yourself short. There’s a lot more to you than meets the eye, if this conversation is any proof of it.” She said leaning towards him slightly.
Aegon felt heat bloom all the way to tips of his ears. The compliment made his heart feel full. No one had ever thought him worthy to know more about. He was always the shallow one. The one people thought nothing more off than a lazy and spoiled child. He looked away then, a rare expression of vulnerability flickered across his face for a moment before he turned his gaze to her again, whatever had been there before being replaced with a cocky expression.
“Careful, I might start thinking you actually like me.” He teased, voice a soft murmur for her ears only.
“I never said I didn’t.” She matched his tone.
Aegon’s heart missed a beat at her comment, his eyes widening slightly. He had not expected that. He had expected more sarcasm, more banter, but not the clear hint of something more in her words.
He leaned closer to her. “So you do like me?” He pressed, hope and surprise in his voice.
“I like who you can become if you let yourself be true to who you really are.” She answered in a manner that made it clear that was a honest statement on her part.
Aegon’s smile faded for a moment at her words. It was more than just a simple yes or no, more than a shallow admission of base attraction. It was a challenge, a plea, and a reassurance all rolled into one. And that had him swallowing thickly. He reached out, his fingers gently taking one of hers beneath the table.
“What if who I really am isn’t someone you’ll like?” He asked, uncharacteristically vulnerable.
“Then it still doesn’t matter, remember? Be true to you first and foremost. There will always be someone who will like you for you are.”
She gave him a reassuring smile. Her words applied to him, because she knew there was something in him for people to love. Unlike herself. No matter who she was; if she tailored herself to their expectations, they grew tired and rejected her. If she were true to herself they simply ignored her. It seemed she was doomed to fail no matter what. But there was something about Aegon she knew would be easy to love, if only he allowed himself so.
It seemed as though every time she spoke to him she had something world-shattering to divulge. He had never been in a position where someone cared enough to tell him to be true to himself, or tell him who he was, was someone to like. His life had been nothing but failed attempts to please others, trying to hide the things that made others avert their gazes to no avail. But now there she was, encouraging him to be himself, no matter what. Telling him that everything he had been doing so far was pointless.
His grip on her fingers tightened, not enough to harm her, just enough to ground him. Suddenly he felt that having this conversation amidst a supper with random Lords wasn’t ideal.
“It’s easier said than done.” He said harshly, almost defeated. “To be true to oneself when everything around you pushes against it.” He looked down on his lap where his hand was entwined with hers.
“Well, I never said it would be easy.”
Aegon chuckled softly, realizing the truth in her simple words. He let out a sigh, his shoulders sagging slightly. “No, you didn’t.” He admitted with a faint smile, his thumb tracing small circles on her knuckles. “You make it sound so simple…” He said, his voice tinged with both irritation and begrudging respect.
“Easier said than done.” She sighed and shrugged. Aegon laughed again, shaking his head in amusement.
“You are utterly infuriating, you know that?” He said without any true heat behind it. He leaned his head back on the chair and looked away from her then.
“But gods damn me, I do like you.”
She shook her head. “You like that I can see past your bullshit, and that I speak plainly to you. You don’t like me, my Prince.” She gave him a half smile that didn’t reach her eyes.
He was about to protest, to tell her that she only did those things because that’s part of who she was. So of course he liked her. But then his mother was rising to her feet across from them, beginning a speech for her guests, the chatter dying down so everyone could listen to the Queen.
“No one does.” She continued under her breath, words spoken only for herself or so she thought. But Aegon was paying attention to her, not his mother, and he heard her words.
His heart twisted into knots, his face drawing in a frown. He felt guilty then. Because he knew he was one of the people that made her feel unwanted. Or wanted for the wrong reasons. But he also felt anger. Because he truly could not fathom how anyone could not like her. And he once again felt angry at those who led her to feel that way. He wanted to argue, to tell her that plenty of people would adore her if they could just look past their own noses. But his guilt kept him from saying anything.
Then, his mother’s voice is cutting through his thoughts has she finalized her toast. The conversation between the two of them died in favor of sharing a silent meal. And she was grateful to Aegon for that. Somehow, he had the ability to make her say infinitely more than she ever intended to.
Throughout supper she could notice his mother, Queen Alicent, looking their way, as did her own mother, Lady Esme Gaunt. They both looked suspiciously at her and Aegon. She couldn’t help but chuckle to herself at that, and Aegon immediately took note of the sound coming from her. He did his best to focus on supper and the conversations around him, but his mind was a tangle of thoughts and feelings. He was still trying to process her earlier words, but those were immediately forgotten upon hearing the soft sound that came from her. Curious, he glanced over to his right, trying to figure out what had amused her.
He followed her eyes all the way across the table where his mother was sat. And two seats down from his mother, sat hers. Both looked to where they sat with apprehension and disapproval.
He raised an eyebrow and leaned in closer to her. “Care to let me in on the joke?”
“Our mothers; they stare at us as if we’re committing a crime.” She smirked into your goblet with wine stained lips. “They must think so lowly of us.” She giggled and Aegon smiled at her observation.
“They definitely do think lowly of me, at least.” He muttered under his breath, half sarcastic, half serious. He glanced back at their mothers, who were still looking at them both with obvious suspicion.
“Looks like they’re ready to jump in if necessary.” He joked, returning his gaze to her. “I suppose we better behave ourselves then, hmm?” He waved noncommittally.
“And if I told you we shouldn’t?” She looked at him through her peripheral. A mischievous smirk on her lips.
Aegon arched a brow at her words and her expression. He couldn’t help the rush of excitement that went through him. He leaned in just a little closer, his voice low and filled with a hint of mischief to match her own.
“Behaving is rather boring anyway.”
“I merely think everyone assumes too much about us. Sometimes playing to their expectations is fun.” She shrugged. “Even when we’re doing the right thing they don’t seem to see. Might as well have some fun every now and then.”
Aegon laughed, enjoying the rebellion in her words and the playful gleam in her eyes. “I couldn’t agree more.” He replied, his voice dropping even softer, almost a whisper against her ear.
“Why don’t we give them something to really worry about, hmm?”
“Anything in particular in your mind, my Prince?” Aegon’s smile grew, his eyes shimmering with mischief .
“Oh, I’ve got plenty of ideas.” He said, voice silky and smooth. He leaned in closer, his lips almost brushing the shell of her ear, his breath warm on her skin.
“Just follow my lead.” He whispered and she nodded in agreement. His lips curled into a satisfied smile at that response, excitement pumping through his veins. He cast a brief look around the room, taking in the people nearby, then, without warning, he reached out and placed his hand on her thigh, his touch firm and possessive.
A smile began to spread on her face as she draped her arm on the back of his neck, playing with the strands of his hair. And she noted that they were in fact as soft as they looked. You leant to whisper as much to him. “You know, you should wash your hair more often, it’s so soft like this.”
Aegon shivered as her fingers ran through his hair, her touch sending tingles down his spine. He chuckled softly as she spoke, her proximity and the feel of her breath against his ear making his heart beat faster.
“Is that a complaint or a suggestion?” He asked, voice husky, the grip on her thigh tightening a fraction.
“Both. I’m complaining that you don’t do it enough, and suggesting you do it more often.”
Aegon’s smile widened at her answer, amused by her ability to meet him halfway. To be teased and tease back just as well. He leaned in even closer, his lips just shy of brushing her ear. His hand on her thigh moved a little higher, his touch scorching.
“I might enjoy the complaints too much.” He murmured, his voice low and enticing.
“So my pretty princess is one of those, hmm?” He had referred to himself as a pretty princess the day before, sarcastically, but she thought there was a hint of truth to those words.
Aegon felt his heart skip a beat at the way she called him a princess. The word was usually an insult, a mockery directed when directed at him. But coming from her, it felt like a compliment, a teasing endearment. He huffed out a laugh, the hand on your thigh moving to the small of her back, then resting on her right hip between her back and the chair.
“Maybe I am.” He replied, his voice a low against her ear. “Is that a problem?”
“Far from it.” She gave an imperceptible tug to the hair at the nape of his neck. His hair was long and loose, concealing her hand and its movements for the most part. Aegon let out a soft gasp at the tug on his hair, it wasn’t strong enough to hurt, just enough to make him feel owned. The sensation was like electricity running down his spine, sending shivers through his body. He took a deep, shuddering breath, his fingers digging into her hip as he struggled to keep his composure.
His voice was low and slightly hoarse as he spoke, his tone a mix of amusement and huskiness. “I see you’re not afraid to play dirty, eh?”
“I’m going home in three days. Might as well go all out.”
His heart constricted at her words.
Three days.
It wasn’t enough. He wanted more time — needed more time with her.
His grip on her hip remained firm, his head spinning slightly from the rush of adrenaline.
“Then let’s make it a night worth remembering, shall we?” He responded, his voice now carrying an edge of determination. He leaned in closer, his lips hovering just above the shell of her ear.
“Can I ask you something?” She nodded. He took a deep breath, his voice low and intimate has he spoke. “Are you promised to anyone?”
The question was out before he could stop it, his insecurity suddenly rearing its head. Afraid he had read the situation wrongly. But the idea of not seeing her, of losing this connection between the two of them, suddenly felt like a gaping hole inside him.
She chuckled. “To my mother’s endless disappointment; I am not.” She told him. “Part of the reason I came to King’s Landing was because my parents believed it would be an excellent place to find suitors.” She explained while she continued playing with his hair, finding it soothing. “The Lords either didn’t like me, or I didn’t like them. So I made sure they wouldn’t even consider me.”
Aegon listened to her explanation, his gaze fixed on her face, his fingers drawing circles on her hip. He chuckled softly at the admission, a mixture of amusement and a strange sense of relief washing over him.
“So you’re telling me you’re unspoken for, and that every Lord in this court is an idiot.” He said, his voice carrying a hint of admiration. He leaned in a little closer, his tone deep and promising.
“Their loss is my gain, it would seem.”
“Is that an offer, my Prince?”
Aegon’s eyes darkened slightly at the question, his grip on her hip tightening again. He looked at her, his gaze intense and filled with a mixture of desire and determination.
“It’s more than an offer.” He replied, his voice unwavering.
He leaned in even closer, his breath hot against her ear, his words a soft, sultry whisper.
“It’s a claim.”
“Then burn through my mother’s men, fly me away and make me your wife.” She said in his ear. She didn’t realize how much the thought thrilled her until the words fell from her lips.
Aegon’s breath hitched in his throat, his heart skipping a beat at the boldness of her words. The thought of making her his wife sent a rush of desire through his body, reigniting the smoldering flame that had been building ever since he met her. He pulled back slightly to look at her, his eyes glittering with a mixture of surprise, admiration, and a want.
“Are you serious?” He asked, voice hoarse with genuine emotion.
She pulled back so she could look at him properly. “I will be forced to marry sooner rather than later. I do not wish to go North, the South is my home. If I married any of the Lords presented to me; it would be a death sentence.” She said.
“I know we’ve only known for a matter of weeks at most. But you make me feel... Alive. Like I have not in years.” She averted his eyes then.
It was strange to say it all out loud for him to hear, there surrounded by many during supper, while her mother and the Queen stared at them both. A foreboding omen just across from her.
“If I’m to marry someone I barely know, then I’d rather it to be you than anyone else.”
Aegon’s heart thumped loudly in his chest as he listened to her intently, his eyes never leaving her face. Her words punched the air out of him, a strange mix of excitement, disbelief, and hope washed over him. He reached out and grabbed her chin, tilting her face up to meet his gaze. His touch was gentle, but his eyes burned with a fierce intensity.
“I’d make you my wife right now, at this very moment, if I could.” He whispered gruffly, voice filled with raw emotion.
“Somehow I do not doubt it.” She said to him. “If you told that to me yesterday, I would not have believed you.” She smiled warmly.
Aegon chuckled at her response. He kept his hand on her chin, his thumb gently caressing her skin.
“To be honest, I didn’t see this coming either.” He admitted. “But there’s something about you that’s completely intoxicating.” He inched even closer, his lips now just a breath away from hers.
“We could always elope.” He whispered, his voice filled with mischief and temptation. She smiled and places a hand on his chest to push him just slightly away. “Very romantic, and very tempting.” She pulled back herself.
“But that would cause an enormous political headache I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.” She sat properly on her chair again. “We should talk about this more thoroughly when this supper is over. Besides, I think we’ve made enough of a scene to have gossip floating around for days on end.” Her smile was positively mischievous.
Aegon sighed in defeat, his shoulders sagging slightly. He knew she was right, but that didn’t stop him from being frustrated by the practicalities of it all. He sat back on his chair as well, a pout on his lips.
“I suppose you have a point.”
His gaze traveled to her face and landed on her smile. A smirk tugged at the corner of his own lips, his irritation giving way to amusement again. “You’re loving this, aren’t you?” He murmured, his voice filled with mock accusation.
“The most fun I’ve had in ages.” She raised her cup to him.
“Am I a form of entertainment to you?” He asked with playful indignation. He grabbed his cup and clinked it against her. In a toast to nothing in particular.
“I’m not sure whether to be insulted or flattered.” He said and took a generous gulp of his wine.
“You are the most entertaining person in the Red Keep. Everyone here is dreary. You know not to take things so seriously all the time.” She shrugged.
“I’m the most entertaining person in all of the Seven Kingdoms, actually.” He corrected jokingly, his confidence back in full force. He took a sip of his drink, the smirk on his lips growing cockily.
“Does that mean you find me entertaining or just less dreary?” He teased curiously, arching a brow at her.
“Those are not mutually exclusive.” Aegon huffed at her answer his eyes twinkling with amusement.
“So I’m both entertaining and less dreary.” He said pompously, like a scholar declaring a profound discovery. He leaned in and said in a near whisper:
“And here I thought I was just handsome and charming.”
“You are pretty, and perhaps too charming for your own good.” She corrected him. Yesterday he was offended she had called him pretty; today she hoped he saw it for the compliment she mean it has.
Aegon felt a thrill of exhilaration at the word “pretty” falling from her lips again, his heart skipping a beat. He tried to act nonchalant, as he had last morning, but he could not conceal the pleased smile on his lips. He raised a brow at her comment, pretending to be offended. “Too charming for my own good, you say? Is that even possible?”
“It is when you don’t know how to use it.”
Aegon chuckled, enjoying the light banter between them. He feigned offense once more, a cheeky smile gracing his lips. “Now you’re questioning my skills…” He said, voice still playful. “Are you implying I lack finesse?”
“Yes. I think you have a knack for it. Refine it and ally it with other talents; and you’d have anyone eating at the palm of your hands. Regardless of your status as Prince.”
Aegon’s brow rose in surprise at her statement, that she had this much faith in him was still absurd to him.
“You seem to have me all figured out, don’t you?” He said softly.
“Do you dislike that?”
Aegon chuckled, his eyes roaming over her face, taking in her curious gaze. He moved a little closer, leaning his torso over the armchair towards her.
“I find it...” He began, his voice dropping into a deep, sultry whisper. “Intriguing.” His gaze darkened, fixed on her lips for a moment before meeting her eyes again.
She held his gaze. “Behave. I think your mother is about to have a heart attack.” She spared the Queen a brief look, then she was back at him.
Aegon followed her gaze to his mother for a moment, noticing her tense expression and the way she was gripping her fork a little too tight. He chuckled softly, both amused by her comment and by the fact that she had correctly read his mother’s reaction.
“Do you want me to behave?” He asked, head tilted in a playful taunt.
“I do, actually.” She look at him, seriousness in her gaze.
“We can’t risk upsetting them too much today. Lest we ruin any hope of getting what we want later.”
He recognized determination in her voice, and that she meant it. He understood she had a point. For the time being, they had to tread carefully, to keep up the façade of politeness and civility, even if it was killing him a little inside. He sighed in frustration and resignation. “Fine.” He sat back in his chair, his body tense, as if all his energy was going into restraining himself.
She squeezed his hand gently. A silent apology for interrupting his fun. Aegon took a deep breath, trying to contain the swirl of emotions within him. As he felt her hand on his, her touch like a balm on his restless soul, he took comfort in its gentleness, and the message she conveyed through it. He exhaled slowly, his eyes flicking to her hand on his, before they moved back to her face. He gave her a small, tight smile. A silent acknowledgement of her gesture.
They spend the next few moments sharing dessert politely. Hands away from one another, and that seemed to appease their mothers ever so slightly. Not that Aegon had noticed. He was too busy looking at her, and the way she moved, the way her lips would wrap around the fork, or the way her eyes wrinkled when she smiled. He had barely touched his wine throughout the night, uncharacteristic of him, and yet he felt drunk. Her very presence kept his mind fogged, and his nerves ablaze. He was going mad.
“May I have this dance?” He suddenly said, offering his hand.
At first, she frowned. Then she nodded and hesitantly took his hand. “I didn’t think you were the type.” She said honestly.
Aegon grinned as he led her away from the table, to where a couple of other Lords and Ladies danced. His hand held hers the entire time, the touch gentle yet firm.
“I’m full of surprises.” He replied, his eyes holding onto hers in a steady gaze. He wrapped his other arm around her waist, pulling her closer, the distance between them barely there.
“Besides…” He added, voice low. “I like having you in my arms.” He led her in the most basic steps he knew. Partially regretting never taking any of his dance lessons seriously. But she didn’t seem to mind. They spun around each other, their backs touching and arms outstretched.
“I know I rather boldly suggested we marry. But I never considered your side in this. Are you not betrothed already?” She took the opportunity of their distance from the table, and their mothers, to talk with him.
Her question took him off guard, and he faltered slightly in his steps. He quickly regained his composure through the next movements, and soon they were facing one another again. He sighed deeply before answering her.
“No. I’m not betrothed yet.”
“I sense there’s a ‘but’ there.” Aegon furrowed his brows slightly at her words, a flicker of curiosity and confusion in her eyes. “I just thought otherwise, based on what I’ve heard.”
“And what have you heard?” He asked, his voice betraying a hint of irritation.
“Court gossip, mostly. That you are intended to wed your sister Helaena to strengthen the ‘Blood of the Dragon’.”
Aegon groaned internally at her answer, annoyance and frustration coursing through him. “Of course they are.” He muttered under his breath.
He steered her around another couple, trying to keep his expression nonchalant as he spoke. “It is the plan.” He grudgingly admitted. “But it’s not official yet. My mother hopes to do it soon. I’ve been… avoiding it.”
“So you dislike the idea of marriage, or you just dislike having to marry your sister?”
Aegon paused for a moment, his steps faltering just slightly as he considered the question. He tightened his grip on her waist, holding her close, his eyes studying her expressions as he answered.
“I don’t dislike the idea of marriage. I’ve always known it would happen eventually.” He began. “But the thought of marrying my sister... It doesn’t sit right with me. It feels wrong somehow.” He furrowed his brow.
“I thought it was the Targaryen way.” She tilted her head.
Aegon grimaced at her comment, his jaw clenching involuntarily.
“Yes... It is the Targaryen way.” He acquiesced, his voice filled with a mixture of resentment and resignation. “The blood of the dragon must be kept pure, or so we’re told.”
“And you care not for the Targaryen legacy? I thought you would, given how arrogant you are.” She said the last part poking him on the side briefly to tell him she meant no offense. “With how proud you are of your beloved dragon…” Aegon’s eyes initially darkened at her words, brows furrowed. But he recognized her jest for what it was soon enough.
“I do care about the Targaryen legacy.” He replied firm. “But not at the cost of marrying a sibling. No one else does it, perhaps there’s a good reason for that.” He paused, his eyes searching her face, searching for a hint of her thoughts.
The more he spoke, the more a smile grew on her lips. She already knew there was more to the Prince than the lustful drunkard. But he clearly had very strong opinions that he didn’t usually express.
“That’s true, my Prince.” She said, while she looked so intensely at him that she felt like the words tumbling from her lips were merely an afterthought.
The way she looked at him, the intensity in her eyes, the smile on her lips... it was enough to make Aegon’s heart beat faster. He was acutely aware of their proximity, of the way her body pressed against his, the way his grip tightened around her involuntarily. When she called him ‘my Prince’, his chest tightened with a strange, unknown emotion.
“Stop it.” He muttered, a hint of desperation in his voice.
“Stop what?” She asked him confused.
Aegon’s eyes flashed with a mixture of conflicted emotions. He knew he should pull away, put some distance between the two of them but he found himself powerless to do it.
“Stop looking at me like that.”
“Like what? My Prince?”
Aegon felt a shiver run down his spine at the sound of her calling him ‘my Prince’ again. It sent a jolt of want down to his core. He pulled her closer, his body flush against hers, the dance forgotten. His hand on her waist slid lower, stopping just above the curve of her hip.
“Like you want me.”
“And what if I do?” She said. Less of a question, and more of an admission. It was Beyond the practically of marrying him over old decrepit lords. She wanted him. To be with him, to be beside him.
Aegon’s breath hitched at her confession, his eyes widening slightly. He had not expected her words to affect him so, but they did, as they have been since the day before. Hitting him in the chest like a well-aimed arrow.
“And what if I told you I want you, too?” He asked, tentatively.
“Then I wouldn’t know why you do.”
Aegon paused for a moment, his brows knitting in confusion. His hand slid up her side, coming to rest on her cheek, his palm rough against her skin. “Why wouldn’t I want you?” He asked softly, his eyes searching hers, a hint of vulnerability in them.
“Because no one has ever wanted me for me.” She said. “Not for my body, or standing. But for who I am.”
Aegon’s heart clenched at her words. His thumb traced her of cheekbone in a gentle caress, his voice was soft and low. “Believe me, if the only thing I wanted was pleasure, I could have that anywhere. With anyone.”
He leaned in closer, his breath fanning against her skin, his voice a rough whisper in her ear.
“But with you, I want something more. I don’t know how else to explain it except that... I want you.”
She held his wrists. Feeling the quickened pulse underneath her fingers.
“I believe that you believe it to be true.” She started. “I just can’t believe it myself.” It didn’t make any sense, she knew that. But it was how she felt.
Aegon’s heart pounded in his chest, pulse racing beneath her fingertips. He understood her doubts, the skepticism born out of years of being only valued for the power she could offer. He knew how that felt.
“I know it’s not easy to trust.” He spoke, his voice thick with emotions he barely understood. “I know it’s hard to believe. But I promise you, I want you for who you are. I want all of you.”
She turned her head slightly to kiss the inside of his wrist. “And I have nothing to lose.” She caressed the back of his hand. “I want it to be true, and I don’t know what frightens me the most: It being real, or not.”
Aegon let out a shaky exhale at the feeling of her lips against his skin, the act so tender and yet filled with such need. He looked at her, his eyes dark and intense, his breathing labored.
“Let it be real.” He murmured urgently. Filled with na odd combination of desperation and hope. “Let me prove it to you.”
“Then don’t let them take me back to Ashen Hall. Keep me to yourself, make me your wife.”
Set me free.
Her tone was desperate. For him, for the hope that his words brought, for the possibility that she wouldn’t have to go back to a place that crushed her.
“I won’t let you go,” He said firmly, only for her to hear. His eyes were filled with determination as he held her face between his hands. “You’re not going back. You’re mine, and I’m yours.”
And then he does something that he had never really done before. He placed a kiss on her forehead. It’s tender, comforting. His hands drop from her face to encircle her in a hug. And that somehow felt more intimate, more scandalous than if he had kissed her fully on the mouth for all to see.
She’s caught by surprise with his actions. But she can’t help but relax in his embrace, forgetting entirely that she was in the middle of the hall amongst at least a dozen people.
She inhale his scent. Jasmine, lavender and wine. She wanted to commit it to memory. She felt the rumble of his voice has he spoke into her ear that she couldn’t make out, his breath warm against her skin. His hand moved to the back of her head, holding her close, his body pressing against hers, his embrace firm and strong.
He glanced towards the table, and met his mother’s gaze. She looked confused. But not angry. He thought he saw something warm in her eyes for a second. Lady Esme Gaunt on the other hand, looked displeased and disgusted. And that was what settled it once and for all that he wasn’t letting her go.
“Listen to me.” He whispered in the shell of her ear. “In three days, when the time for you to leave comes, you’ll be mine.” He undid the hug, letting his hands run down her arms until his hands held her own.
“My father once let my half-sister have a choice in suitors. I was told he wanted her happiness, allowing her to choose who she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.” He began explaining. “I’ll demand the same of him, and no one will be able to deny the king’s wishes. Not my mother, not yours.”
She can do little else but nod. Aegon seemed determined. Motivated by more than one night’s conquest. And it made her want to believe him.
“I will have you.” Aegon murmured low. “Whatever the cost.”
His eyes darkened as his gaze flicked towards the table, no doubt sensing the stares from the guests.
“And now…” He said, finally pulling away from her. “We should return to the table before they wonder why we’ve been dancing for so long.”
“They think you’re charming your way into my skirts.” She joked, wanting some levity. “Scandalous.”
Aegon chuckled lowly, the corner of his lips raising in a smirk.
“Is it working?” He asked, a hint of playfulness in his voice, as he began leading her back towards the table.
She leaned into his ear and whispered. “If only you knew just how wet I am for you.” She pulled back to see his face with grin on her lips.
Aegon froze in his tracks, his eyes widened, mouth slightly parted in shock. His breath caught in his throat, his mind and body suddenly overwhelmed by the image the words she had said planted in his head, along with the memory of the her body pressed to his, her voice in the shell of his ear. He was suddenly very desperate to have her alone. He swallowed, eyes dark and intense. His voice hoarse has he asked:
“Are you trying to kill me, woman?”
“Not before you have all of me. Where would be the fun in that?”
She let go of his hand and continued walking back to the table on her own with a slight skip her step. Heat on her cheeks, heat building in her gut. But her heart was warm too. Had been since his promise to make her his. To prove his love was real.
Aegon watched as she walked ahead, the sway of her hips leaving him nearly breathless. He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. Her words had done things to him, made him desire her with the force of a thousand suns. He followed after her, mind filled with thoughts of her. He shook his head and began reciting every prayer his mother and his septa had ever thought him.
He sat down beside her a little closer than was probably necessary.
She placed her hand on his on the armchair. And she give him a warm look that wasn’t lustful like her previous comments. She gave his hand a squeeze and smiled at him. He turned his hand to take hers and bring it to his lips. Placing a gentle kiss on her knuckles. There was a fire in his eyes. Desire, yes. But also a promise.
Aegon’s gaze flickered to the rest of the room, taking stock of the rest of the table’s occupants. His mother watched the two of them, with a look he had never seen before. She seemed contemplative, as if lost in deep thought. As for Lady Esme, she looked at her with nothing but cold disapproval. He returned his gaze to her then, where he saw her swallow thickly as she watched her mother watch them.
“I swear to you.” He said fervently; “I will make you mine.”
“Let’s hope you can, my Prince.”
Aegon held her gaze, his expression intense, the fire in his eyes flaring at her words. He leaned in a little closer, his voice low and rough as he spoke.
“You doubt me?” He asked, a note of challenge in his tone.
“I don’t doubt you. I doubt the powers that be.” She give a quick look to where her mother sat. Anger and fear in her eyes. Then she looked back at him. Aegon understood her look, and could feel her mother’s angry glare himself.
He was undeterred.
He gently tucked her hair behind her ear, his fingers lingering against her skin for a moment longer than was necessary.
“You should learn to have a little faith.” He said, offering her a smirk. “When have I ever not gotten what I wanted?”
She huffed at his words. “Fair enough.”
Aegon laughed with her, a hint of lightheartedness breaking through the tension. He was suddenly struck by the ease with which the two of them were talking to each other, how natural it felt. He took her hand in his once again, and gently lifted it to his lips, pressing a soft kiss on the back of her hand.
“Trust me.” He said against her skin, his voice soft and serious. “I won’t let you slip through my fingers.”
She shook her head with a smile and just stared at him in silence for a while. The glimmer in his eyes shone with something she had not seen before.
“I fear you are more entertained by the prospect of a challenge, than myself.” She looked away from him. “Will I still hold your interest when it is all said and done?”
Aegon’s heart clenched at her words, a pang of guilt striking him. He had always sought adrenaline and excitement, relished in the thrill of the chase. He placed a finger under her chin, gently tilting her face towards him, his eyes meeting hers.
“It’s not just the challenge.” He said, his tone firm and earnest. “You’re captivating. Fascinating. Even in my wildest dreams, I couldn’t imagine wanting something as badly as I want you. No. It’s not just the challenge. It’s you.”
“When did you become so good with words?” She almost kissed him then, utterly bewildered. But she took a deep breath and merely let a hand hover over his heart.
Aegon chuckled softly at her reaction, his heart quickening at the feel of her hand above it, the heat of her palm against his chest, even through all the layers it was searing to him. He placed his own hand over hers, pressing it against his heart, holding it there.
“I don’t know.” He admitted, his voice low and rough. “Maybe it’s the wine, or the music, or the fact that I’ve finally met someone I feel compelled to put effort into wooing.”
“Consider me wooed.”
He leaned in closer, his lips nearly touching her ear as he spoke, his voice low and rough.
“Just wait until I get you alone.” He whispered, his words laced with a seductive promise. “Then you’ll be feeling much more than just wooed.”
“There’s the Aegon I know.” She smiled. “A lustful fiend.”
Aegon chuckled in response, not denying her assessment. He had never shied away from his desires, and she knew that well.
“And you love it.” He countered with a cocky grin. He then leaned in closer, his voice a hushed whisper, breath warm against her ear.
“But I promise not to ravish you here, in front of all these people. There’s time for that later.”
“If not for the monumental political headache that would ensue... I wish you would.”
Aegon’s heart quickened at her words, a low growl rumbling in his chest as he imagined giving in to the impulse to ravish her right there, in front of the entire crowd. But he reigned himself in, his grip on her hand tightening as he exhaled shakily. His eyes darkened, a wicked grin playing on his lips.
“Don’t tempt me, my Lady.” He hissed lowly, his voice laced with barely restrained desire. “I’m already fighting the urge to drag you to the nearest empty room and have my way with you like a man starving.”
“You’re not the only one fighting urges, my Prince.”
Aegon’s breath hitched, his chest heaving with a mixture of desire and frustration. He could feel the heat of his need building within him, his body almost thrumming with pent-up desire. The fingers on her hand flexed, his grip tight as he struggled to maintain control. He leaned in closer, his voice sultry against her ear. “Do you have any idea just how badly I want you right now?”
“I do actually.” She spared a very quick glance to his trousers. Aegon’s smirk widened his eyes dark and intense as he caught her glance, understanding exactly what she was looking at. He shifted his position slightly, pressing his body closer against her side, the heat of his body searing through her.
“Then I’m sure you can see that I’m also having a rather... difficult time maintaining my composure.”
“Drink some water to smother the flames, my Prince.” She offered him a cup.
“As much as I’d enjoy doing a number of very improper things with you…” She spoke lowly has he took the cup from her hands. “We should not. At least not until we settle things with our families.” She took a sip of her wine.
“It’s not a prudish matter on my part. I merely believe that if we do things the proper way, they might be more easily swayed to betroth us.” She explained her thoughts.
Aegon grumbled quietly to himself. He knew she was right, that patience and restraint were necessary for this to work. He took a few moments to collect himself, taking a few slow and measured sips of water. He could feel the heat within him starting to simmer down, the urgency of his desire slowly yielding to reason. He set the cup down, his gaze shifting back to her.
“I hate waiting.”
She saw his impatient eye roll, the way he just slumped in his chair. It was endearing and it made her heart flutter. She smiled at him, shaking her head.
Across the table, Queen Alicent observed the interaction between Aegon and the young Lady Gaunt. While she was judgmental of Aegon courting — if that is what she could call such brazen behavior —someone he wasn’t betrothed to so openly, she saw something in her boy she had never seen before. He didn’t look at her like he did the other girls he chased after. He looked enamored. He almost seemed to glow around her with what Alicent could only describe as genuine infatuation. Something she didn’t think her boy was capable of. She should’ve stopped it by then, but her boy seemed happy, and she could not find it in her to deny him that respite. Her lady mother, however, looked very unhappy. And Alicent noticed. It seemed that her, and her family were cursed to never find love without trouble. That was the nature of duty.
Aegon’s brooding was interrupted when he felt his mother’s gaze on him. He looked across the table and found her studying him intently, a pensive look on her face. He gave her a quizzical look, silently questioning her scrutiny. She was rarely this contemplative in regards to him. But when she did get quiet like this, it usually meant she was calculating something. He found that his gaze was drawn back to his side, to her. And just like that, his annoyance at having to wait faded, replaced by a fluttery lightness. He was actually enjoying himself. The rest of the night went on with mostly innocent laughter and lingering looks. When it was time to retire to bed, Aegon bid her goodnight with another kiss to her knuckles and a silent promise in his eyes.
Aegon walked back to his chambers, his steps heavy and his heart burdened with a mix of hope and apprehension. The night had been more enjoyable than he ever thought it would, and yet the sight of her leaving had stirred worry and uncertainty within him. His mind was still fixed on her as he entered his chambers, and he barely noticed that his mother was waiting for him there.
“Son.” Her voice cut into his thoughts, drawing his attention. Aegon looked at her, and it was then that he realized that she too was troubled.
Alicent recognized the restless determination on her son, one that either would make her proud, or stir trouble. “We must talk about your behavior tonight.”
Aegon immediately flinched at her words. Aegon’s face immediately hardened at the sound of her voice, he senses the reproach in her tone. He bristled at her insinuation, his eyes flashing.
“What about it?” He inquired tightly, crossing his arms defensively across his chest.
“You were very brazenly courting Lady Gaunt.”
Aegon let out a sharp huff, his impatience flared at his mother’s statement. “Yes, I was.” He replied curtly, his voice and his demeanor both defiant. “And I plan to keep doing it.”
“To what end? To spoil the Lady, ruin her reputation, make an enemy of her father only toss her for the next?” Alicent knew it was harsh, but she knew her son, and she needed to press him for the truth.
Aegon’s eyes darkened, a sense of wounded anger welling up within him at his mother’s insinuation.
“No.” He said firmly, his voice tight yet resolute. “This isn’t just some fleeting fancy, mother. I want her. I want her to be my wife. I want to make her mine.” His heart beat fiercely in his chest, his conviction in what he said was absolute.
Alicent was... surprised. Aegon always bristled at any talk of marriage. Especially at the plans to betroth him to his sister. So to hear him state as such, was unexpected. And deeply troubling for she knew that such a union was unlikely.
“Is that the truth of your heart?” She asked him.
Aegon met his mother’s gaze head-on, his expression unflinching. “It is.” He replied without hesitation, his voice steadfast. “I cannot explain it, mother. She… she makes me want to be better.”
He paused for a moment, the memory of her face and the way she spoke to him filling his mind. He allowed a small smile to tug at the corner of his mouth. “I want to court her. I want to marry her. I want her to be the mother of my children.”
Alicent smiled with him. She had never seen Aegon look or speak that way. It broke her heart that it could never be.
“It’s a beautiful thought, my son.” She started. “It truly is.” She took a deep breath, she hated what her next words would be.
“But you know you cannot marry her, Aegon.”
His head snapped toward her and he took a step back.
“Her mother stated that her husband wishes for his daughter to marry a neighboring southern lord. As it befits their House. Lady Esme looked very displeased by your behavior tonight.”
Aegon’s heart twisted at her words, a knot of dread and frustration forming in his chest at the full realization of the obstacles between him and the one he wished to marry.
“I’m the Prince! What lord wouldn’t want to wed their daughter to one?” He questioned.
“None. But you cannot marry below your station, Aegon. House Gaunt is minor. There’s no benefit to the Crown is such union.”
“Why does it have to matter so much? For all intents and purposes I’m a second son. What hurt would it do to marry me off to a minor house?” He waved his hands in exasperation. “It’s not like the Crown is lacking for heir to build alliances with.” He said bitterly.
Alicent sighed. She was used to how stubborn her son was. He never truly understood the importance of alliance and politics. She knew it. Still, it did not make it less exhausting having to deal with him.
“Rhaenyra might be your father’s named heir…” She began. “But you are his first born son, Aegon. That is an irrefutable place of power.” She explained. “You must wed someone befitting of that status. Someone who could be your Queen.” She reasoned.
“I do not need a Queen. You know this.” He insisted.
He couldn’t understand why his mother could not accept that his father chose Rhaenyra. Not once had the King made a mention of him as his heir. And yet his mother treats him like the heir to the Iron Throne.
“Regardless of that, she’s still well below your station. And, house Targaryen needs to show strength.”
“Why not marry me to a Great House, then?” He shot back. “Marrying me to my sister doesn’t build alliances.” He hated the way she, and everyone else thought him completely stupid. He might not be as astute as Aemond, but he knew enough. Or at least he thought he did.
“No. It does not.” She acquiesced. “But, your sister has a dragon. It would be unwise to give another family access to such power. Helaena needs to remain with us.” She said.
“Marry her to Aemond! Daeron or even Jace! It accomplishes the same goal. It doesn’t have to be me.” He ran his hand through his hair. Why must every interaction with his mother be a battle. Why couldn’t she understand him?
“I’m not marrying your sister to Rhaenyra’s plain-featured bastard!” She bristled.
“Then don’t! You’re not lacking for sons, mother.”
“You’re being willfully obtuse, Aegon. You’re the firstborn son, you and your sister are dragon riders. It’s a powerful symbol of the Targaryen legacy.” She walks over to him, holding his face firmly between her hands. “When they look at the two of you, together, they’ll remember the strength of Aegon The Conqueror himself.”
“But I’m not Aegon The Conqueror, mother.” He said, and in his eyes she saw a vulnerability that made her want to turn away. “I’m far from it, it is plain for all to see.” His eyes were marred with tears. She hated it. She hated seeing her own weakness starring back at her.
“Aegon,” She began, but he cut her off.
“I’m not the heir to the Iron Throne. I’m not as great as those that have come before me. Perhaps, marrying a minor lady is exactly what is fitting for me.” He reasoned. His tone was a pleading one.
“Regardless of how you see your worth. You are the King’s firstborn son. And you… we have a duty to the realm.” She spoke lowly. “Even the young woman you fancy has a duty. She knows that she cannot marry above her station. Whatever infatuation you both have, it cannot last. That is the sacrifice we have to make for the good of the realm.”
“She desires this just as I do. Why can’t we serve the realm together? What harm would it bring to marry below versus marrying Helaena? We’d secure an alliance, small, but it would be ours.” His lips trembled, trying to convince her to see as he did.
“Would that it were so simple… Sometimes the heart speaks louder than reason, my darling.” She said. He let out a low sigh, his hands clenched into fists in front of her. It wasn’t his usual rebuff of his duties. There was a desperation in his eyes she had never seen before this day.
“You truly care for the girl, don’t you?” She ran her hand through his hair. Soft and clean, usually it was greasy and knotted. She could see the small changes in him, and she hoped they’d remain.
Aegon nodded, a quiet, almost bashful look crossing his features underneath his pleading eyes. “I do.” He admitted, his voice low and sincere. “She makes me feel alive.” He said wistfully. “She’s smart, and brave, and she doesn’t let me get away with anything. She challenges me… She sees me like no one else does.”
A hint of a smile crossed her lips. Aegon had always been emotional. Softer than one would expect for a boy. Try to hide it as he might, she often saw the tears marring his eyes, and the tremble of his lips. He wasn’t the strong independent son she expected to have. He reminded her of her own self. The one that died when he was born. That naïve hope that things could be simpler. She wished he’d understand, like she eventually did, that for people like them; duty would always come first. There was no room for love in the face of the realm’s needs.
“She makes me feel as though I’m not quite as broken.” When he spoke his voice was small. He loathed to admit to it, but he couldn’t stop himself.
Broken.
Alicent’s eyes filled with tears. Never had she thought he’d speak so plainly to her, or admit such pain. And she trembled at the undeniable fact that she had a hand in his tears.
“Sounds like she truly has your heart.” She said, her hands squeezed his shoulders. “But you need to let her go, Aegon. There’s no love in our duty, only sacrifice. And the sooner you accept it, the less it’ll hurt.” She placed a kiss upon his brow, and with a sad smile, she bid him goodnight. Leaving him alone in his chambers.
The young Lady Gaunt and her mother, the Lady Esme, had walked back silently to the guest chambers they were staying in. The silence was tense and foreboding. She knew what was coming. And sure enough, as soon as the doors were closed and they were both left alone; her mother struck her face. Her eyes immediately welled up with tears, her hand came up to cup her stinging cheek. Her mother never bothered hitting her before, her words had always been enough to drive her point across. It shocked her. She was stunned into silence in the middle of their room has her mother paced around before facing her again.
“You have always found ways to disappoint me. It’s nothing new.” Lady Esme started. “But this? This was the one time you had to do well. For the good of our House.” She didn’t yell, she knew not to cause a scene in the Red Keep. Too proud to threaten House Gaunt’s reputation.
She stepped forward towards the girl. “I’ve spent the last three moons working hard to find you a good match, and you’ve ruined every single one of them.” Another step forward. “And as if that wasn’t enough for you, then you go on to whore yourself to the Prince!” Esme turned away and paced.
“We didn’t do anything, mother.” The girl said weakly, fingering the twin star pendant on her necklace.
“I don’t care what happened or didn’t happen. The way you behaved… People talk. If they think you’ve sullied yourself then no lord will want you.” She said irritated. “You know how important it is that you marry well, and yet you willfully put yourself in a position that could jeopardize our entire house!” Esme took a deep breath.
“What will your father think? When he hears of your behavior? Hmm? All his hard work thrown away by an ungrateful child.”
“But mother,” She’s cut off by another slap to her opposite cheek.
“I don’t want to hear your excuses. I’m tired of having to deal with your insolence.” Lady Esme said through her teeth. “Why do the gods punish me so? Your sister would’ve never done this to me. She, unlike you, would never spit in the face of all I’ve done for you.”
Her words were nothing new to the young woman. She had been hearing any variant of comparison with her sister for years by then. It still didn’t make them hurt any less.
“Maxine was the future our family deserved. Not whatever you have turned out to be.” Esme looked at her with disgust.
For a moment, neither of them said anything. And then, Esme turned toward her daughter with tears in her eyes. Angry tears. “It should have been you.” She crossed her arms over her chest.
“That day; I always knew it should have been you.” She shook her head, then held her daughter’s gaze.
“If the gods had chosen to forfeit your life that day, we would all have been better for it.”
The girl’s breath hitched. Her mother’s words were like a knife gutting her like hunters would do to the carcasses of their prey.
“Even that, you couldn’t do right.” Esme gave a mirthless smile. “You had to take Maxine from us, and had to saddle us with you.” Esme sniffled.
“We’ll be leaving tomorrow after dinner.” She stated. “I’m not giving any more time to ruin us more than you already have.”
The Lady’s words hung heavily in the room. The girl would not find sleep that night. The hurt on her chest so great she had forgotten entirely about earlier thoughts of hope, of a sweet and playful future with Aegon. And she couldn’t help but think her mother had been right. She only ever ruined things. An endless disappointment. In truth, Aegon would probably forget about her as soon as the sun rose. And her hopes and dreams were naught but follies, fated to fade away into nothingness.
Tag List: @still-jon-snow
Links: Ko-fi | Commissions
#aegon ii targaryen x reader#aegon ii targaryen#sel's self-indulgent misadventures#This is written to cater specifically to me#If anyone else likes it#It's a bonus#Also#I forgot that Tumblr completely messes with the formatting#My pretty justified text and italics are all gone#But I can't be arsed to fix those italics#this is almost 15k words long#Maybe I should post the pretty version on ao3 eventually#Series: The Culling
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day 32, ren & scott, reintroduced!
[transcript] Ren: "Hello! What are you?" Scott: "Fish... You?" Ren: "Rendog!" [end transcript]
#sometimesrd#renthedog#rendog#rendog fanart#scott smajor#smajor1995#dangthatsalongname#smajor fanart#he has so many tags god help me#this is completely self indulgent#ive been wanting a scott & ren teamup for so long u guys#they will be real next life series trust#(i need to see ren witness mean gills qpr shenanigans PLEASE)#also ren calling himself a rendog would so happen its so funny 2 me#trafficblr
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Conversations with Paul never go Right's way.
#my characters#oops i fell in love#im working on a stupid self indulgent series of fanart but while i can finish the first today i think#its important to have at least two done to post together#so i was like ok time to take a quick doodle break then this took too long bc i couldnt decide who to draw#then i forgot how to draw paul (this is a constant thing for me idk how to draw him)#theres an actual answer that right gives but this took so long im not working on it now lmao#but he really will never admit it to pauls face but he trusts paul completely when he says he wont tell#like he doesnt have the most flattering comments about paul on most days but he does fully trust him to keep a secret#so he tells him a weird work fact and paul is genuinely like wait so that one time - and rights like yup#and paul goes quiet as it processes and thank fuck ! right gets peace and quiet for five minutes while paul thinks it over
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I got tired of circling back to frustration over my nitpicks on the f&c series so I OC’d my boy. Whoops. 😅💦. I'll still post stuff in the future about the AT version because I still have a lot of doodles I haven't posted yet and doodle ideas I want to draw!!... Buuuuuut in the meantime my brain gears have been turning hardcore over incorporating this version into my OC-verse... he's a silly astronaut now <3
#pulling a 'my oc koz lord of vampires' with this one bc I simply do not care anymore. If I'm gonna be insane I'm gonna be blatant about it#but ok. ok. listen. In my complete defense. I got tired of reading all the bad takes on simon. I was getting TOO angry.#especially with how the series handled the situation so insensitively#and I was like. well. actually that's kinda unhealthy pal maybe we should back off. and that's what we're doing#still love the character ofc!! I just don't have the capacity to fully explore an AU from AT's perspective without getting angry at it#fun fact I made Itchy as a self indulgent AU to vent/cope in the first place... so I kiiiinda knew this was coming the moment I made him#like... what’s more self-indulgent than taking him out of the source material for funsies? do u get me? <3#this is surprisingly not the most self indulgent thing I've done. but it's pretty darn close#anyways no I'm not tagging him on main that's my oc now. clearly. sgweats. beards him. see? that's ichabod. clearly not simon /hj#I made a kin onion a while back and tried to grab some influences from other characters so I hope that helps a bit#some of his story beats will line up with simon's ofc but Itchy's supposed to mirror Fern so it's nice to give him some space from simon#ok no more rambles I guess here come the other tags#digital art#original character#original stuff#ichabod zymmynz#flat color#2024
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Y'ALL HAVE ME LIKE
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DID
BUT Y'ALL HAVE BEEN SO SWEET
I'M SORRY IT'S TAKING ME SO LONG TO REPLY
I WANNA DRAW THINGS BACK
AND I WILL
after my exam tomorrow :')
#i am overwhelmed y'all#my heart is so full#wish me all the broken legs for tomorrow :')#this second course is MASSIVE#there's just so many terms and acts and dates and formulas to rememberrrrr#like i swear they made this course 4 TIMES BIGGER THAN THE FIRST ONE just to weed out the weak#and i am not weak#i meant what i said when i said i was speedrunning this program#we have 2 years to complete it#and i'm trying to finish it in 5 months#but like#once i'm done#i have so much to unleash#i wanna draw more art for the hairdresser AU and start working on the fic#and draw more raincoat chibi DCA and maybe do a comic of their backstory?#and there's so many memes i wanna draw#and i have a new au i've been cooking up#it will most likely be a fic that's a series of oneshots (with some art but mostly a fic)#it's another slice of life au and very self-indulgent#but i hope it'll be a treat for some of you as well#might post a few crumbs of it sometime soon#it's been on the backburner of my mind for a while now
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how we fall apart - palm and nueng's relationship with rage, repression, and responding to trauma
throughout never let me go, palm and nueng contend with extreme instances of emotional distress that push them to their breaking points again and again. what's interesting is that palm and nueng experience and respond to this emotional distress in completely opposite ways - nueng becomes big (reckless, loud, violent) whereas palm becomes small (contained, quiet, empty). there are three main aims of this post: 1) to compare and contrast palm and nueng's responses to emotional distress, 2) to point out how this relates to their respective upbringings and personalities, and 3) illustrate how they way they respond to traumatic events changes as a result of their presence in each other's lives.
nuengdiao: turbulence, entitlement, and outrage
nuengdiao appears to have a handle on his emotions from an outsider's perspective, tending to put on a facade of apathy and arrogance in order to protect himself from others, yet he is actually quite sensitive and emotionally turbulent. tanya gives us this insight when she asks palm to protect nueng both physically and emotionally in episode 2, saying he is "too sensitive" and "soft-hearted."
in part because nueng is so sensitive, when he is hurt, he reacts in a big way - he becomes loud, violent, and reckless. his emotional volatility is like a loaded gun; he usually exercises restraint, but if you set him off, on accident or otherwise, there's going to be blood. some of phuwin's best performances come right as the "madness" takes over and nueng lashes out (e.g., when he punches phum, when he desperately yells at palm to dance with him at the party, when he rages in palm's arms on the rooftop following ben's betrayal of him). you can see the hysteria come into his eyes and entirely replace the refined, aloof boy from moments before.
in these moments, nueng makes himself bigger - by throwing a punch, by screaming, by pushing palm away. he gets loud and takes up space, perhaps because as a child living in a mansion staffed with servants, he knew that if he didn't get what he wanted, he would as long as he threw a fuss and got someone's attention. there's certainly an aspect of entitlement to his breakdowns early on. in episode 3, he feels that he is owed respect from phum and is angry when he ignores nueng's commands to stop talking badly about his father. in episode 4, he's upset that he can't have the one thing he wants (palm) and clumsily resorts to his position of power in an attempt to make palm his (demanding that he dance with him, since he is a servant of nueng's family). in episode 5, he feels blindsided by ben's betrayal, believing that ben should have honored the trust he placed in him ("i opened up to him. why did i get this in return?").
while we can debate whether these feelings of entitlement are justified or not in each case, the common thread i want to point out is that nueng's breakdowns are all quite centered on himself. they happen when something is taken away from him, something he wants (respect, affection, trust). as a kid who never had to want for anything, who had the world at his fingertips, this is a new and uncomfortable experience. Denial and rejection are large, scary feelings he doesn't know what to do with. so he blows up, usually disregarding the perspectives of the others involved (e.g., the struggles of phum's family, the lack of freedom palm has when it comes to expressing his true desires, the consequences ben will face if he tells his father the truth).
2. palm: stability, resignation, and repression
while nueng expresses his feelings loudly and violently, palm pushes his feelings down and stays quiet. every time nueng rages at him, he's even-keeled and steady, there to hold onto nueng until he's exhausted his anger and slumps into palm's arms. palm absorbs all of nueng's emotions and carries them inside, along with his own buried desires and pain. unlike nueng, palm had a childhood of little love and luxury. he didn't grow up screaming and thrashing when things didn't go his way because there was no one around to listen or care. instead, he learned to resign himself to unhappiness and plow ahead nonetheless.
again and again early on in the series, palm devalues his own feelings. he's hurt when he sees ben and nueng kiss, but he masks his pain with a neutral expression, telling nueng he "doesn't have a right to be mad at him." he should be upset when nueng calls him his servant and running dog in front of the other partygoers, but when maggie asks "how his heart is," he insists that he's fine and that he actually feels sorry for nueng instead, since he must be embarrassed about the scene he caused. palm repeatedly represses his own feelings and prioritizes those of the people around him instead. this is the opposite of how nueng handles emotional distress and exactly why palm is so well-suited to offer nueng support; nueng has a lot of negative feelings, and palm devalues his own emotions enough to have the space to manage nueng's. obviously this isn't healthy in the long-run, but their dynamic evolves over time as they each grow through the experiences they share together (see part three: learning from each other).
you don't see palm break until his mother's death in episode 9, after which he appears numb, empty, and unresponsive. he indulges in a brief nueng-like episode of screaming on the rocks, but as soon as he accidentally hurts nueng in doing so, he's back into repression mode. he turns to alcohol to cope with his pain - a habit undoubtedly learned from his father, who became an alcoholic when mam left. when nueng asks, he says he's okay, only to cry silently in the bathtub once he's alone. this scene, and the following dance sequence in which he wordlessly seeks comfort from nueng, is some of my favorite acting from pond in the series.
3. learning from each other
now that we've established how nueng and palm dealt with emotional distress and trauma at the beginning of the series, let's talk about how their approaches change as a result of having one another in their lives. to put it simply, nueng starts orienting himself more toward the feelings of others, while palm starts valuing and expressing his own feelings more. they each adopt some of the other's approach into their own way of being.
nueng's breakdowns shift more in content than they do in character. at his core, he is always going to be a sensitive, impulsive person, and he teeters dangerously on the edge of mental collapse as things escalate toward the end of the series. but what changes is that his own well-being is no longer what's driving him to break down - it's his concern for palm that sends him over the edge. we see this shift first in episode 9 when he breaks down on the rocks, yelling that palm and his relationship is impossible and that palm will be killed if he continues to stay with nueng. we see it again in episode 11 when he points palm's gun to his own head, rashly ordering palm to kill him so that he can save his father's life instead. we see his hysteria appear once more in episode 12 when uncle kit tortures palm in order to coerce nueng to sign over his rights to the hotel business.
in parallel, palm becomes empowered by nueng persistently encouraging him to act on and express his true feelings and stops keeping all of his feelings to himself. when they reunite at the end of episode 10, palm is able to express his anger at nueng's decision ("is this how you treat people? the time that we shared together. the things that we did together. do they mean nothing to you?"), claim nueng for himself ("i won't let you run away from me again), ask for comfort ("i want to hold you just like when we were living on the island"), and admit that he isn't okay about his mom's death ("no, i'm not. i still miss her"). given that he's spent the entire series dismissing his own feelings, all of this is huge.
we see a continuation of this development in our skyy 2, with palm advocating for himself and actively voicing his anger at nueng not initially consulting him about his plans to study in the u.s. i have more to say about this at a later date, but for now, the point is that palm is recognizing that he's allowed to want things. he doesn't have to "settle" or minimize his emotions in order to get by, because now he sees that his feelings are important and nueng is there to validate and support him.
it's not like nueng and palm are somehow 100% in control of their emotions or manage their feelings in a completely healthy way by the end of the series. that wouldn't be realistic - can anyone claim to have achieved this? i'm less interested in making a claim about palm and nueng "fixing each other" and more interested in looking at the moments when they "break" as a lens through which we can better understand their characters, their development over the course of the series, and the trajectory they're on at it's conclusion.
#never let me go#never let me go the series#nlmg#palmnueng#nuengpalm#never let me go meta#tw guns#hello i hope you enjoy this completely self-indulgent character study :)
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231210 : legiiongde
#completely self indulgent post because I love them#like literally this was for me#ruby smol ...:((((#and they hold hands ... 💔💔💔#also I want seri's sweater#woobin#seo woobin#park serim#serim#with member#from twt#fantaken#legiiongde#fansign#231210
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i just need everyone who has ever seen one of my meta posts and left a flattering tag or comment saying how smart i am to know one thing, which is that i have literally just now had the realization that ortus is not, in fact, harrow's cousin.
where did i get this idea? unclear. my only guess is that i conflated sister glaurica with one of the great aunts early on in my first read and extrapolated from there.
if i can fuck up like that and still convince people that i know what's going on, you can too!
#i am willing to tell you my fuckup. but NOT how long i just spent searching through the ebooks for confirmation#bruh i literally have a (self indulgent) fic (that will never see the light of day) that references her living with her aunt and cousin 💀#i was SO SURE#never even questioned it#it's been over a YEAR AND A HALF#like. girl. you have a 25 page 13k word document outlining your megatheorem for the series#AND YOU NEVER NOTICED A COMPLETE LACK OF SUPPORT FOR THIS CLAIM?#no! i did not! it didn't come up and it didn't conflict with anything in the megatheorem doc!#everyone can throw tomatoes at me now#tlt
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on god i AM going to write tonight
#i have legitimately not written in over a month. which is a super long time for me!!!#i did fake camp nanowrimo for a week then completely forgot about it lmao#where is that girl who was writing 2k a day. where is she#idk i've just found so many other hobbies that have been taking precedence over writing#quilting crochet karaoke violin piano etc. i've done some songwriting but i've had writer's block with that too#and i've had a lot of choice paralysis because i have so many projects and so many of them need fixes#what i need to do is take one (1) project and make that the only project i work on#and that one project is going to be my self indulgent camp new adult story inspired by my OG internet clique's shenanigans#and i'm gonna set the goal to write like idk. 3k a week. until i get back in the groove of writing#i need to get back into writing!!! i miss it so much. i miss my insane sci-fi series 😭#that is way too complex for me to even think about right now lmao. i've opened the scrivener doc so many times + immediately closed it#m.txt
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Endless Catalogue of Wrestling Matches: ↳ Cara Noir vs Chris Brookes for the Progress Unified World Championship - PROGRESS Chapter 102 (02.02.2020)
#cara noir#chris brookes#wrestling#progress wrestling#wrestlingedit#i usually love a lariat into the octopus transition#but chris is an irl slenderman and his octos make me laugh#i screamed about 5 times during this match#two words: feet and thumbtacks#cw: blood#wrestling catalogue#i've begun this series as a completely self indulgent hobby btw don't mind me#stuff i made
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previous posts on my fate-based VR world AU centered around fate/fgo oberon, jiang ziya, and arjuna forming bonds with each other: 1 2 3
since I've basically given up on like. trying to talk less about fate. so if anyone wants to chat with me on this my DMs and asks are always open
#lulas's randomness#oberon#oberon vortigern#oberon (fate)#jiang ziya (fate)#jiang ziya#taigong wang (fate)#taigong wang#arjuna#arjuna (fate)#it's honestly the most self-indulgent AU lol it's like the equivalent of me taking oberon jzy and arjuna and dropping them#in a completely unrelated to their source series world (in oberon's case almost literally in-universe)#and honestly idk if VR really. matches what's going on in my head when I think of#anything within this au#because it's kind of like VR? or an open world game? I feel like I had transmigration stories in mind when I was imagining this tbh lol#though the most important part is the three of them interacting with each other and with like. average people within the 'world'#maybe I'll come up with a better descriptor another day if this becomes an actual tangible AU to write in#fate based vr world au#oh there's also vague thoughts about exploring arjuna and jiang ziya more and actually referencing their. actual background (outside of#fate) but [vague hand waving] I've got nothing concrete yet#outside of general use of oberon's dreamwalking abilities
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