#this seems like the work of an insane person

[empress-ghoul]

You’ve gotten good at getting a sense for these sorts of things. A feeling in your chest, a twist in your gut, a sixth sense, if you will. You think you’d prefer your sixth sense to be seeing ghosts, rather than sensing when creepy men are going to approach you.

You just wanted a drink. It had been a long fucking day at work and you just wanted a drink without worrying about actually talking to people. That was why you sat at the end of the bar.

Maybe you should have just bought a bottle of wine on the way home. Your sixth sense had told you that going into the bar was a bad idea. At least then this guy wouldn’t be talking to you.

He was attractive at least, but you couldn’t be in less of a mood and he was practically sitting on top of you.

“Rough day?” he asked.

Your eye nearly twitched. “Something like that.”

“Yeah,” he scoffed. “I can tell.”

And he was rude. Cherry on top.

You rolled your eyes and shot him a glare, your lip curling slightly into a snarl. “Yeah,” you mimic. “You don’t look too hot either, asshole.”

Cash is handed to the bartender and you reach for your bag. He beats you to it, gripping the strap in an iron hold. Indignation rises. Part of you wants to wrestle it back, but the other part knows you’d just end up embarrassing yourself.

“We got off on the wrong foot,” he begins. “I’m Johnny—“

“I’m not interested. Bag. Now.”

You hold your hand out, but something tells you he’s not the type to listen.

That feeling is confirmed when he laughs. Yet another cherry on top.

“How about this; I buy you a drink and you get your bag back after?”

There’s a beat of silence where you nearly laugh. Was he serious? You’re about to ask him when he’s suddenly ordering for you and holding your bag in his lap.

You had to bargain with your tired mind, telling yourself that you were getting a free drink out of this. Frustrated, yet resigned, you sit back down.

He grins at you and your sixth sense prickles the back of your neck.

Johnny was good at talking and part of you almost felt bad. He seemed lonely. You were certain only a lonely, mildly insane person would steal a purse and buy the purse owner a drink just to have someone to talk to.

But you were lonely too. Only a lonely, mildly insane person would let him buy more drinks after getting their purse back.

You barely noticed the hand on your thigh. By the time you did, he was right in your face.

“Bonnie thing, aren’t you?” he purred.

That’s how you ended up getting tugged back to his apartment. He kept an arm around your waist and your bag in his hand the entire walk. Right outside the door, when his hand was on the doorknob, you realized how bad of an idea this was.

One night stands weren’t exactly your thing, especially not on a weeknight. You had a little bit of dignity, after all.

Plus, your sixth sense practically vibrated in your chest to tell you to turn and run. But suddenly the door was open and he was pushing you inside.

The door shut and locked behind you both, and suddenly you were standing in front of a wall of a man. Your throat tightened when you felt Johnny’s arms around your waist, trapping you in place.

“What’d you think, LT?” Johnny asked, squeezing you tighter.

He sounded so eager, so hopefully.

You stared up at the man in front of you. He looked…bored? Almost uninterested. Similar to a wolf who caught a meal too easily.

Despite being tipsy on the walk from the bar to here, you were suddenly stone cold sober and frozen in place.

A massive hand gripped your jaw, tilting your head up. A calloused thumb brushed over your bottom lip, yet you couldn’t find it in yourself to scream. Only tremble as Johnny rubbed a stubbly cheek against your soft one.

“This the one you told me ‘bout?” the enormous man asked.

Something hard pressed against the fat of your ass as Johnny smiled. “Yeah, the one from the train,” he preened, clearly proud of himself. “Can we keep her?”

Maybe you should have just bought a bottle of wine on the way home.

[nottswitch]

⋆˙⟡♡ VENUS IN ARIES

venus in aries values spontaneity and impulsiveness. this placement tends to be impatient in love, they detest waiting and indecisiveness; for an aries venus, love needs to be direct and unfiltered. in bed, this person is possessive, jealous and often harsh.

mattheo riddle x reader

warnings: 18+ mdni, knife play, blood kink, oral (m receiving), mentions of gagging, fingering, spanking, pussy slapping, degradation, crying, cursing

nav // event / more

the room is lit only by a few candles – the pine-scented ones you have given mattheo for christmas. their wooden wicks crackle softly in the silence of the room, accompanied by the sound of rain rapping against the window from the outside. the atmosphere would’ve been cozy, if not for the position you’re in – but even then, it still seems cozy, bringing you a sense of comfort in the midst of a storm that is mattheo riddle.

you’re sprawled on top of him, completely naked, while he’s fully clothed, the soft fabric of his sweatshirt rubbing against your skin with every shift of your body. there a certain thrill in that – you’re exposed, vulnerable in his arms, while he still has his guards up, as much physically as it is emotionally. you know it’s your fault, one way or another, and the knowledge fills you with a type of shame. but it’s a shame you find yourself not minding; you succumb to it, accept every single consequence.

your head is slowly bobbing up and down his cock, rock hard and salty with precum in your mouth. your legs are spread, resting on both sides of mattheo’s chest, and he has a full view of your pussy, wide open and glistening with arousal. mattheo’s right hand grabs a handful of your asscheek, shaking it and then letting go before giving it a firm slap. your body jolts forward, and you have to consciously tense your jaw in order not to brush your teeth over his sensitive length. his left hand is between your legs, two fingers pumping in and out of your slick entrance; the sounds are embarrassingly wet, and his shirt already has a soaked spot right where it meets your mound.

"you had fun there, princess?" he hisses, his voice dripping with undisguised jealousy. you hum around his cock, not daring to pull away, and shake your head in disagreement. truth be told, you did have plenty of fun, and for you, mattheo’s reaction was only a bonus. he didn’t seem to be too thrilled, though, his hand painfully landing on your asscheek again. "you fucking did, and you damn well know it."

his fingers pick up their pace, and you feel the pleasure building up and up and up, making your movements on his cock quicker, more frantic. your muffled moans somehow make mattheo even madder, and your stinging ass gets graced with another sharp slap.

"everything you do is on purpose, and the purpose is to drive me fucking insane," he grits out, curling his fingers inside of you. your eyelashes flutter against your cheeks as your eyes rolled back, and you feel like you’re about to snap in half. but just as you’re about to let go, without permission, because holding back doesn’t seem like an option anymore, mattheo pulls out. a whine tickles your throat from the inside, and your hips push back, trying to chase the pleasure. mattheo doesn’t seem to like that at all – and a moment later, his hand lands on your dripping pussy, roughly and painfully.

"stay still," he hisses, and you have no choice but obey. your cheeks hollow out around his length, trying to appease him; your tongue starts swirling firmer, lips working, throat opening up to let his tip hit the back of it. "gonna remind you whose slut you are."

for a few seconds, the only sound breaking the silence of the room is the slickness of your saliva spilling out of the corners of your mouth as you continue working on mattheo’s cock. but then, an unfamiliar sensation takes you by surprise, so much that you choke, sending a vibration through his body. a cold, flat… something gliding along the heated skin of your ass. you forget how to breathe when you realize exactly what it is as a sharp edge presses into your flesh. a blade.

mattheo chuckles darkly when he feels your confusion in the way your head slows down, your body stiffens. but he also sees the glimmer of arousal in your core getting thicker, shiny droplets making their way onto his shirt with renewed intensity.

"you really love flaunting that ass of yours in these slutty dresses, huh?" he murmurs, his voice low, deep, delightfully dangerous. you hum incoherently in response, but your trembling thighs betray the true state of your arousal at the idea of what he’s about to do. "i know you do. but i’ll make sure everyone who dares to look knows whom it belongs to."

you close your eyes – emotions coursing through your body are simply too overwhelming to fathom, but the anticipation prevails, the sick excitement you feel at mattheo’s possessiveness. he drags the blade across your skin again, and then, it’s sudden – the sharp pain that shoots through your entire being as he pierces the flesh of your right asscheek. your scream is quieter than it could’ve been, since your mouth on his cock hasn’t stopped, yet mattheo revels in it all the same. he watches with satisfaction as a red trail of blood trickles down your ass, angling left at the crook of it and dripping straight into your pussy. it mixes with your juices, and the picture is too good, too pretty on the eyes – mattheo’s cock twitches in your mouth. it’s almost embarrassing, how the sight of your blood is what gets him closer, but you can’t complain – you wouldn’t be able to, anyway.

"just like that," he hums under his breath, and you know he’s not talking to you. another sting of pain, another line on your body, and your eyes start welling up with tears, though not just of pain – the excitement, the pleasure you feel, emotional and physical, is surprising, yet it only makes you hotter all over. your blood is now fully coating mattheo’s shirt underneath you, but it only urges him to go further.

you feel the saltiness of precum on your tongue, signaling his approaching release. mattheo groans, and the pressure of the blade as he carves another curve into your body gets stronger. you’re full on sobbing, warm tears flowing down in streams, and trying to keep your hips from bucking back, afraid of the knife stabbing further in. and yet, the thrill of this possibility only serves to turn you on to the highest degree.

mattheo’s cock starts throbbing in your mouth unexpectedly, the bloody mess that is your perfect ass under his blade bringing him to the edge even better than your mouth ever could – you’re almost jealous of yourself. the pain in your lower body is all-consuming; your hands clutch mattheo’s legs as he spills into your mouth, warm and salty and bitter; his groans are loud and shameless along with his orgasm. you keep him in your mouth, unwilling to make a single wrong movement as he comes down, his breathing growing steadier, deeper.

"shit–" he mutters, half-lidded eyes taking in the view on front of him – crimson red smeared all over your ass and pussy, diluted by your arousal, swirling all over the fabric of his shirt hugging his chest. he drags his fingers along your folds, picking up the liquid pooled there, and you shiver, unable to stop yourself from pushing back, even though every little movement hurts. mattheo smirks and brings his fingers to his lips, licking off the mixture of your essences. he moans – a deep, content sound – when the tartness of you hits his tongue.

"so fucking sweet," he breathes out, letting his head fall back against the headboard of the bed. there’s no mistaking – his cock is hardening in your mouth all over again, yet you don’t dare to move yet, letting him bask in the afterglow. mattheo’s eyes are still half-closed, but the way he looks at your ass is dark, possessive, satisfied.

there, on your right cheek, in the mess of blood and skin, are two letters – ‘m r’. his initials. mattheo smirks to himself – this is exactly what he wanted. a mark, most likely permanent, on your body. a sign that you’re his that no one can ever dispute. his cock is rock hard between your lips all over again, and you take it as a sign to start moving your head again. this is going to be a long night.

[zepskies]

Omg Michelle, this is so original! I've never read a canon Dean biking before, but I have a feeling it's about to be very fun. I LOVE me a S15 fix-it fic. 😏

“Hi.” Okay…what were the odds some crazed person knew sign language?

Ooh headcanon that Eileen taught him some sign language! Also I see you with the "Ramblin' Man" song choice. 😜

But eventually you were coming up on a town and the roads were about to get busier. He made a quick gesture with his hand before taking off ahead of you, getting in front of you in your lane and disappearing down the road. “Boys,” you mumbled, trying not to think of the last thing he’d signed. “I had fun, sweetheart. Let’s do it again sometime.”

LOLL oh Dean. I love that, "Boys." 😂

“Darn it,” he said, feigning a sigh. “Here I thought I made an impression. Did I not do enough wheelies?” Then he signed, “Sweetheart,” with his hand, flashing you a wink.

Damn him and his Dean charm. lmfao

“How about a ride on it?” You blinked.  “A ride on your…” you swallowed, the man chuckling. “My bike. Although you are more than welcome to ride anything of mine you like,” he said.

MICHELLE. The way I legit laughed out loud, startling the dog!! 💀

Dean pls, you can't convince me that you didn't mean the other thing. 😂😂😂

“My sister in law is deaf. I actually just became an uncle,” he said with a proud smile. “I had to finish up some work before heading back home for good. I’m going be a firefighter actually.”

OMG YES I KNEW IT. Saileen for the win. My heart. 🥹💓💓

“Cause I’m gonna blow your mind, sweetheart.” He revved the engine and took off like a bat out of hell, going faster and faster, so fast your heart was in your throat. “Here we go!”

Oh is that all he's gonna blow? 😝

But I love these movie moments where you're riding on the back of his motorcycle and he goes faster to make your heart fall into your stomach. 😅

“Only flirt with you, got it,” he said. You playfully punched his arm, Dean letting your hands linger one last moment before pulling away. “In a another life, sweetheart.”

Noooo don't let her go!!! That "another life" could be right effing now. 😭

Eileen was always on you about living a life more outside of hunting and now that you’d officially retired, you were about to start living it more.

OH MY GOD WHAT??????? You totally got me there, I did not expect that but I LOVE where this is going loll.

“You’re Y/N Y/L/N, Eileen’s bestie?” You both nodded, Sam picking up the package and looking at you both like you were nuts. “Uh, do you two know each other?” asked Sam. “Some would say intimately,” said Dean. 

Deeeeeean, I cannot with you. 🤣🤣

“You want a visitors pass to the insane asylum in my head?” he laughed dryly. “Visitor pass? Honey, I live there, just a different ward is all.” He flashed his eyes open, green orbs hesitant. “I ain’t doing this out of the goodness of my heart. I’m screwed up too and you’re going to have to give as good as you get. I need that. You need that. So either walk away if you just want to be friends-”

Ooh what a good line in her response. She has just as much trauma being a hunter as he does, it seems. She's being very straightforward and up front with what she's need of Dean too. She can't fix him and he can't fix her, but they can try to help each other move forward and start living their lives for them. 🥹💜

I love that last line too; their future is brighter together. I will ALWAYS read a S15 fix-it fic where both Sam AND Dean get the endings they deserve. (And you know I love a firefighter Dean. 😏❤️‍🔥)

What a lovely one-shot, friend! Thoroughly enjoyed this. 💕💕

Every Light

Summary: The reader is driving along a long stretch of highway when a mysterious stranger on a motorcycle shows up and decides to have some fun with her...

Pairing: Dean x reader

Word Count: 2,600ish

Warnings: language, implied smut

A/N: This fic takes place post 15x20 (with some canon fixes adjustments). Also, we all know (including Jensen) Every Light is 100% Dean coded, right?

____________

Your fingers tapped against the wheel with one hand, your other hand hung out the window of your car, dancing in the wind. Music blasted through the speakers of your SUV, Ramblin’ Man pouring out as you drove down the long stretch of quiet highway on the bright summer day. The barren Texas flatlands stretched for miles before you, not a single car in sight.

You let your foot go heavy on the pedal, racing across the plains, the warm wind nice across your cheeks. Driving all day from Phoenix to Austin wasn’t exactly fun, but you were in a good mood. A great mood. One of those rare moments of peace and serenity where you just felt still and whole.

You happy little bubble popped when you drove past a crossroads, a slick black motorcycle turning onto the highway behind you. Fuck. It was probably a cop. You’d been making good time too.

You sighed as it came up on you fast, tension rising in your bones as you waited for a siren, lights, something. 

The motorcycle pulled up on your side, crossing the dotted yellow line and keeping pace with you. You turned your head, getting a better view of the bike. Okay, definitely not a police officer. Not unless Texas shelled out for jet black racing bikes with no markings. The rider was in head to toe sleek black leather, tight against his body with padding built in you were sure of. You couldn’t see past his black as night tinted visor. He, and it was most definitely a he based on those shoulders, turned his head toward you before raising his hand, giving you a wave.

You raised your eyebrows behind your aviators. The rider gripped the handlebars again, starting to weave his bike left and right ever so slightly before he straightened again. You tilted your head when he lifted his right hand and signed a simple gesture. 

“Hi.”

Okay…what were the odds some crazed person knew sign language? Probably lower than average and if worst came to worst, you’d just gun it until you hit a town.

You waved back to him, the man sitting up more and returning it. Then he was leaning back even more, popping a wheelie. Your heart skipped as he tore down the highway besides you, only setting the bike down when you flailed your arm for him to get it down on the ground. He finally did so, pointing at himself and looking around when you frowned at him.

“Behave down there!” You shouted out the window, even though he’d never hear it. He simply kept driving next to you, playing as he did so, doing something even more reckless each time he got you to laugh or smile.

But eventually you were coming up on a town and the roads were about to get busier. He made a quick gesture with his hand before taking off ahead of you, getting in front of you in your lane and disappearing down the road.

“Boys,” you mumbled, trying not to think of the last thing he’d signed.

“I had fun, sweetheart. Let’s do it again sometime.”

Six Hours Later

You’d wearily made it to Austin and after a quick shower at your hotel, you headed out to grab dinner at a local bar. 

“Hi,” said a handsome man when he took a seat next to you at the crowded bar top. 

“Hi,” you said politely, returning your gaze to scanning the menu. The stranger's eyes lingered though, your head turning slightly to find a smile on his face. “Can I help you?”

“No, just funny running into you again today.” You raised an eyebrow, the man chuckling. “You do that a lot, don’t you?”

“I’ve never met you before in my life.”

“Darn it,” he said, feigning a sigh. “Here I thought I made an impression. Did I not do enough wheelies?” Then he signed, “Sweetheart,” with his hand, flashing you a wink.

Your eyes went wide, the man smirking. “You! That was completely reckless.”

“So was going a hundred down the highway, rebel,” he teased. He turned his body to face you, smiling hard. “You’re telling me I wasn’t the best part of your day?”

“You’re a menace,” you said, picking up your drink.

“And that wasn’t a denial.” He waved down the bartender, pointing at your drink and holding up two fingers. “So. You like me better as the silent mysterious type with a helmet over my face?”

You rolled your eyes, taking the new drink. “It takes more than a pretty face to win me over, babe.”

“How about a ride on it?” You blinked. 

“A ride on your…” you swallowed, the man chuckling.

“My bike. Although you are more than welcome to ride anything of mine you like,” he said. You scoffed, ignoring the fact you hadn’t been with anyone in far, far too long and here was a man handsome as sin offering himself up to you. “Alright. I pushed too far. My apologies.”

“…Why do you know sign language?” you asked.

“My sister in law is deaf. I actually just became an uncle,” he said with a proud smile. “I had to finish up some work before heading back home for good. I’m going be a firefighter actually.”

He looked so…boyish for a moment that you smiled at his genuine pride.

“Good for you,” you said. “I’m just passing through myself. My old friend just had a baby up north.”

“So what’s to stop you from cutting loose tonight? I’ll even pay for dinner like a proper gentleman.” You glanced away, the man tilting his head when your eyes darted back. “I promise to be as well or badly behaved as you want.”

You looked him up and down, the man still sporting those boots and padded pants. 

Oh fuck it. 

“I ain’t getting on the back of that bike without a helmet.” His grin turned devilish, even when you held up a finger. “Calm down, big boy. Let’s see how you last through dinner.”

“You holding on tight?” asked Dean nearly two hours later when you were on the outskirts of the city. Only Dean. Tonight was a one time thing and that meant no last names, no histories, just plain old fun.

“Yeah, why?” you asked when he chuckled beneath you.

“Cause I’m gonna blow your mind, sweetheart.” He revved the engine and took off like a bat out of hell, going faster and faster, so fast your heart was in your throat. “Here we go!”

“What are you-“ You screeched when he popped a wheelie with you on the back, setting it down after only a few seconds. “Dean!”

“More you say?” Whatever you want, sweetheart.”

“Morning,” mumbled Dean, a kiss pressed against your temple. You groggily opened your eyes, the clock flashing that it was ten. You felt him pull the sheets up over your bare back, Dean running a hand over your head. “Wake up beautiful. You need a shower before you check out.”

“Yeah,” you yawned, sitting up in bed, watching him dress. He smirked as you openly eyed his body, Dean cupping your cheeks in his hands when he finished. “One night, right?”

“You deserve better than me, Y/N. You’ll find him someday. Until then though, just know you are the best I’ve ever had.”

“You say that to all the girls,” you laughed, Dean smiling.

“Wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it,” he said, kissing you once more. “Careful driving today.”

“You too. And don’t flirt with girls like that anymore. You’ll kill yourself on that bike.”

“Only flirt with you, got it,” he said. You playfully punched his arm, Dean letting your hands linger one last moment before pulling away. “In a another life, sweetheart.”

“Bye, Dean.”

You hadn’t planned on getting such a late start to the day but your night with Dean had been worth it. In a way, you wished you’d forced the issue and gotten his number at the very least. Sure, the motorcycle ride and sex were great but he was good company, funny and silly but something grounded to him that let you know you were safe with him. Eileen was always on you about living a life more outside of hunting and now that you’d officially retired, you were about to start living it more.

Including telling her all about your wonderful hookup.

You pulled up outside a house in Lawrence in the suburbs just after seven, barely up the front steps before the front door opened and Eileen hopped out, pulling you into a big hug.

“I missed you too,” you laughed, giving her a big squeeze, holding on tight. While you’d talked, you hadn’t been able to see her in person since she came back from the dead and this reunion was long overdue. “Come on, let me see the baby.”

“He just went down for bedtime. But he will happily see you in the morning,” she said, taking your hand and dragging you inside. “We just got the grill going out back.”

“Good. I’m starving and miss your burgers,” you said, letting her have another round of hugs with you. “Well if I can’t see the babe yet, you gotta let me meet your husband.”

“You know he has a brother that’s single,” she grinned, taking you through the house and to the back deck where a very tall man worked over a grill. “Sam! Y/N’s finally here!”

“Well it’s about time,” he said, picking you up in a hug. He smiled gently as he set you down. “I’m so happy Eileen has a friend in town.”

“Maybe you guys can give me advice on how the whole retirement thing works. I’ve just been traveling around aimlessly the past few months,” you said, taking a beer when Eileen offered it.

“You’ll figure it out,” said Sam, the rumble of an engine on the street out front echoing through the yard. 

“That’ll be his very single brother,” said Eileen. You rolled your eyes. “Oh come on, he hunted too! You guys would so get along now that you’re both retired.”

“I’ve dated other hunters and it never worked out, thank you very much,” you said.

“You’re lucky I managed to grab the last bag of franks,” said an all too familiar voice. You spun around, Dean, your Dean from last night, standing right in front of you wearing jeans and a white plain t-shirt. He dropped the package of hot dogs, both of you staring at the other. 

“I told you he was good looking!” joked Eileen.

“You?” asked Dean.

“You’re Dean fucking Winchester?” you asked, raising your eyebrows.

“You’re Y/N Y/L/N, Eileen’s bestie?” You both nodded, Sam picking up the package and looking at you both like you were nuts.

“Uh, do you two know each other?” asked Sam.

“Some would say intimately,” said Dean. 

“We’ll be right back,” you said, grabbing his bicep, ignoring the strength in it as you dragged him down the steps and around the corner of the house. You stared at him, Dean running a hand through his hair. “I thought you were a fireman!”

“I’m about to start my training. I was in Phoenix, cleaning up one last job but…someone had already fixed the sigils,” he mumbled. “You?”

“Yes, me,” you said, closing your eyes, putting your hands on your hips. “I worked out of Washington mostly. Eileen asked if I would clean up a sigil on my way down here. I-I’m staying here for a bit to help with the baby while I find a place in town.”

“So you’re that friend of hers…” he trailed off, eyes darting around your face. His lips parted but no words escaped them. An unpleasant crack tore through your heart. Gone was the happy go lucky flirt from twelve hours ago. Instead a man filled with horrors beyond imagination stood before you, a desperation in his eyes that made your skin crawl. 

“You were wrong back at the hotel.” He shook off whatever thoughts were running through his mind, confusion entering the forefront of his mind. “This morning you said I deserved better than you.”

“You do,” he said without missing a beat. “I’m-”

“Dean Winchester. I’ve heard about you. We all have,” you said softly, taking one of his hands in yours. He swallowed, closing his eyes. “You deserve the world and I’m not just saying that because of last night. You more than did your part.”

“I’m not the guy from last night. I am severely fucked up-”

“Oh get in line, Winchester.” He blinked rapidly, brows furrowing. “You think you’re the only one with daddy issues and who’s died and seen the shit hunters do? No, you’re not. There’s plenty of us who have. I retired because of you. I retried because Eileen told me her friends the Winchesters saved us all and I could quit. I should quit. She told me to live my life. So you and me? We’re going to live our lives as fucked up as we are. And last night…fuck, I had fun. You had fun. I forgot about the nightmares and I think you did too. You think Eileen and your brother aren’t as screwed up as us? Of course they are but they aren’t scared to do the hard thing and move on. So why not us too? It doesn’t have to be together but-”

“Shut up,” he said, slamming his lips to yours. It was hard, rough. Something possessive underneath the surface that had you sucking in air when he pulled back, tugging your bottom lip along the way. 

“Kissing me won’t make me shut up, Winchester,” you breathed, Dean ghosting over your lips, cradling a hand against the back of your neck to keep you close. “We aren’t strangers anymore. You want more, you got to give me more.”

“You want a visitors pass to the insane asylum in my head?” he laughed dryly.

“Visitor pass? Honey, I live there, just a different ward is all.” He flashed his eyes open, green orbs hesitant. “I ain’t doing this out of the goodness of my heart. I’m screwed up too and you’re going to have to give as good as you get. I need that. You need that. So either walk away if you just want to be friends-”

“Odds are this crashes and burns,” he said. Your hands slid to his cheeks, smirking up at him. “What?”

“Good thing I got my own firefighter then.” He raised an eyebrow, smiling when you tilted your chin up. “Stealing my moves?”

“Just remembered you were warned, sweetheart.”

“We’re going to work on that self-talk.” You tiled your chin further, Dean meeting your mouth, a smile in it. For the first time in a long time, in years, you let yourself think about a future and what that looked like. Dean pulled away slowly when Sam called for you both, his thumb brushing your chin.

“I’m sure I’ll get the hang of it with some help,” he murmured, trailing his knuckles down your arm, stopping at your hand to lace your fingers together.

Yeah, the future was looking a little brighter these days.

_________________

[starredblood]

NOWHERE GIRL

PART TWENTY

kang sae-byeok x fem!reader

synopsis: when the truth unfolds, are you ready to face it?

wc. 7.1k (DAMN)

warnings: mentions of suicide, depression, death, angst, fluff, comfort | authors note: i lowkey will not proof read this so ignore any typos TT but tysm for reading this series all the way through im super grateful and many more works will follow soon after so stay tuned!

(nowhere girl masterlist)

(One year later…)

Life has gotten more dull. At least that is what Yoon thinks when she sees you. It was ironic that after ten minutes of searching for you, she found you lying underneath a tree in the small patch of grassy fields in the middle of campus. She remembers a time way before that you hated grass—something about their sharp texture just irked you. It was like you disregarded life completely. The best way she can describe is if you were a flower, your petals were withering away. What was once a lively, bodacious flower is now fading in color and drooping.

She would’ve been concerned for your current behavior if you didn’t act like this the entire summer. All you did was coop yourself up in her guest room—it was aggravating, she thought she’d have a fun summer with you living with her at her family’s house. Her chance to get closer to you, but you preferred seclusion more.

When she calls your name, you don’t respond. Those fucking headphones. It’s like you can’t live without them ever since last winter. Seriously, sometimes Yoon just gets these urges to snatch them off your head so you can get back to reality and talk to real human beings.

You didn’t notice her stomping over to you. Not when your eyes were shut and you were about to doze off to the music blasting in your eardrums. You flutter your eyes open when you felt a soft nudge to your ribs. Yoon is towering over your lying body, her arms crossed and feeling irritated.

“Did you forget?” Yoon frowns.

Before you answer you sit up from the patchy fields and stretch your limbs out. You notice her growing impatient with you from the way she is tapping her foot. Removing your headphones, you quirk an eyebrow at her and say, “Forget what?”

Yoon rolls her eyes. “I’m in charge of managing our schools art gallery this winter and if you don’t get your ass in check it’ll blow back on me!”

“I know you’re charge of it.” you murmur, plainly. “It’s not like you mentioned it fifty thousand times the entire summer.”

Her eyebrows furrow. She wants to retort back but she’s gotten so used to your bitter antics that she just swallows it back. Deep down, she misses the old you—because you changed…she doesn’t want to admit it to herself. Frankly, no one in your small circles wants to point out to you your new brooding personality.

“How the hell are you able to lay in the cold this long? You’re actually insane.” Yoon shivers, rubbing her arms to warm herself up. You, however, seem unbothered by it.

You stand up and press your lips into a thin line, avoiding her eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine just—we have to go now if we don’t want to be late. I bet everyone else is on their way and we only have till the end of the week to display everything.”

Sucking a deep breath in, you nod and pick your bag to sling it over your shoulders then follow Yoon across the other side of campus. The sharp winter air strikes your cheeks, a sensation you’ve grown fond of recently. A season that you used to disdain has started becoming your favorite. You like how eerie, dull, and quiet winter is—it’s soothing to the heart. Even if there is no sign of snow this December.

Entering the empty gallery, the place is littered with your past and present work. Sculptures, paintings, you name it. Your favorite piece, a sculpture of a person’s upper torso and head with the head hollowed out—inside the head is a small home with the only furniture being a couch and a singular painting. Or maybe it’s the long and narrow painting of two people walking in the rain, the entire painting only being in blue tones.

There are student volunteers when you and Yoon enter inside, helping arrange everything in the perfect spot. Immediately, Yoon gets to work and tells one of the freshmen to be careful when removing the bubble wrap from a small sculpture you made years ago.

You walk around the white large space with a strange bubbly feeling in your stomach that you haven’t felt in a while. It was bizarre seeing years of blood sweat and tears getting recognition. All it took was for you to lose everything—in classic tortured artist fashion.

“Woah. What is all this?”

Spinning around, you observe Mi-Cha pace over to you with her expression awestruck at every corner of the gallery.

“Didn’t you get my text?” you query. She blinks once at you. “My art. I’m going to sell it at our schools gallery—they choose me as the winner to get an exhibition for the winter.”

“Oh, fuck I must’ve missed that text. Sorry.” she says sheepishly and faceplams. You softly chuckle at her beet red face. “No way—this is so cool though. Your own gallery…This is like everything you worked for.”

“And I’m only getting started I guess.” you sigh, observing the volunteers unpack everything like it was made of thin glass. “I can’t believe this is our last year…I’m actually going to miss it.”

“We have to make the most of it which means…” she trails off you wrap her arms around your shoulders and gave it a playful squeeze.

You groan and throw your head back to look up at the porcelain ceiling. “Don’t tell me.”

“We have to go out—party, drinks, get wasted—“

“No.”

“The whole ordeal!” she beams. Her loudness startles one of the people around almost making them drop one of your works. Of course, Mi-Cha didn’t notice. “Come on, you need to enjoy your last moments of college life before we fully become adults because after that there’s no going back.”

Although she is right, you feel just fine in missing out on what it means to be a reckless young adult and drinking amidst the crisis of it all. You don’t think alcohol will benefit your case anyway. But lately, you feel like you’ve been bursting Mi-Cha’s spirit—you were a stormy cloud on her sunny day. So, that’s why you sigh in defeat.

“Fine—maybe.” you mutter.

“Good.”

You throw her a look, jaw slackening. “Anyway, how are you and your boyfriend—or is he your ex now from the last conversation we had about him?”

“Yeah, he’s my ex.” she snorts. “I guess we both can’t commit.”

“But was it you or him?”

“Eh. I’d say it’s a mutual thing. He graduated in the spring and now he has a big boy job so he has less time for me. And I don’t want to be a housewife waiting for the man to come back demanding for dinner to be ready.”

“How…inspiring?” you say, squinting your eyes.

“Thanks.” she smiles. “And what about you and that girl uh—oh god, I forgot her name…”

“Good. Because it didn’t work out.”

“Another one seriously? I thought you’d seriously commit yourself with this one.”

Feeling a flush come to your face, you clear your throat. “No.”

Mi-Cha knows exactly why but remains tight lipped and squeezes your sides. Your attempts at a love life have become a pitfall. Every single time.

The most common rebuttals your failed dates have given you were ‘Too quiet’, ‘Tend to be selfish’, ‘Inconsiderate’, and the most famous one, ‘Too closed off’. At first it felt like a sucker punch to the face but one can tell you these things so much til you don’t care anymore.

But the moments in which you are alone, which is most of the time, you think about the days where people told you the opposite. ‘Lively’, ‘Selfless’, ‘Kind’, and ‘Reckless’. You don’t know how the change began—where it came from, yes. But can’t pin point the moment you started changing—hell, you feel the same. But if everyone around you is saying otherwise then maybe you did. You just want things to be the same. Your life would’ve come with less loss if you didn’t get kicked out over a year ago. How is it possible to still be grieving over people who are still alive well and breathing?

“Oh, since you’re here could you take me to the computer lab and help me design a poster for my gallery one of these days? I really need your graphic design skills more than ever.” you say, hoping to stir the topic.

“Are you free tomorrow afternoon?”

“I think.” you hum. “I’ll let you know.”

“Hey—are you two going to help out or not?” Yoon snips behind the pair of you secluded in the corner of the building.

“Coming…” Mi-Cha grumbles and exchanges a look with you.

⊹ ✿���・───・・✦・・───・・✿

The sharp edges of the envelope slices across your pointer finger. You wince, dropping the invitation letter in the process and suck on your finger to ease the bleeding pain. Maybe this was a sign not to do it. You stare down at the fallen invitation, contemplating. But of course you give in. It might be pathetic of you trying to invite your parents to the gallery, but you just want to rub it in their faces…and possibly win them over but you deny it to yourself.

You bend down to pick up the card and try to seal it again. After losing contact with them, the only way you could reach out is to mail them a letter.

Tossing on your coat and scarf, you leave your dormitory and head to the bus stop. At some point you briskly bump into someone’s shoulders and they might’ve muttered a curse or two at you, but that’s what happens when you drown in your music. Your headphones are a part of your bodily autonomy now—it’s the only way you can block the inner and external distractions.

After thirty minutes of blankly staring out the bus window with the music obviously blasting, you take your time walking to your parent’s house. It’s been so long since you’ve been here but you made it with ease, it will permanently be a muscle memory. You stealthily slip the letter into their mail box and walk at a much faster pace out the block. Since you’re nearby your childhood market, you decide to stop by and get some needed groceries for the dorms.

You became less stingy with money ever since your tuition fees have all paid off. Till this day, you have no clue how or who paid them off yet you’re silently grateful for this fairytale miracle.

The market was partially empty due to the cold weather, however, there were still some stands present. Not even can afford to shut their markets even in these icy conditions.

“Hi, ma’am.” you greet quietly to the elder lady selling kimchi. She gives you a look for the headphones, so you slide them off and order two bags worth of kimchi. Silently, she nods and starts packing them up for you.

While you pull out your wallet to pay, something nostalgic rings through your eardrums. A voice you haven’t heard in over a year.

You dart your eyes around like a hawk, trying to find the source of that voice. When you found it, time stops. Your chest feels heavy but your hands weaken causing you to drop your wallet and spilling your cards and coins all over the ground.

“Oh dear…” gasps the lady behind the stand. You blink back to reality and panic seeing your possessions on the floor.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.” you hiss and scramble to pick everything up. It was worse when your hands kept trembling profusely. You messily shoved everything in your pockets, paid the lady and snatch the kimchi off her hands. You didn’t have time to be polite—you had to make your way over to, Ji-yeong.

“Ji…” you say airily as you jog over to the girl who’s purchasing soy sauce off of a vendor.

You’re confused. It is Ji-yeong but something about her seems strange. She looks…pristine? She’s always been a pretty girl but you remember her lack of desire to dress up. You always seen her sport a graphic tee with either sweats or baggy jeans but she’s presented more cleanly now. Her new attire is a long North Face puffer jacket, a fitted black top without any signs of wrinkles, and smooth dress pants. Her hair also seems shiny and soft like she just came out of a salon.

When she hears her name, her face contorts in confusion but her jaw completely drops when she sees you stand right next to her. She blinks rapidly at you, studying you up and down, but doesn’t say anything at first. The wind was knocked out of both of your lungs. Anyone walking past might assume you two are trying to read each other’s mind with how long you silently stare at each other.

But she is the first to speak up after clearing her throat, “Fuck…Hey, It’s been a long time!”

Anger starts boiling in your blood. The cold air is no match for the heat rushing to your face. “Hey? Is that…Is that all you say after…”

“How are you?” she says, displaying a nervous toothy grin. She sways her eyes at any other direction other than your tense figure.

You don’t say anything, instead you clench your jaw till your teeth start vibrating. A kaleidoscope of emotions start flowing through your head but the fury you’re feeling outweighs the rest.

“I know, I know. Look…” she says calmly, running her hand through her hair. She lets out a laugh filled with anxiousness. “I know you have a lot of fucking questions—“

“Obviously!”

“But I promised I wouldn’t say anything.”

Narrowing your eyes, you take a step closer to her and she gulps at this. Did she not know that their disappearance killed you inside? Does she not know that even till this day the grief still lingers? What infuriates you even more is that she has the audacity to speak to you in code.

“What? Who did you promise that? Sae-byeok?” you ask, demand in your tone.

“I can’t say.” she flounders, her eyes softening.

You gape at her in disbelief. It was hard to find the words to say when all you saw was red. She notices your clear distress so she pulls something out of her pocket, a receipt. Then, out of her large leather bag she grabs a clicking pen and writes something down behind the receipt.

“Look, here’s my new number. If you seriously want to know everything text me and we’ll arrange something.” she says, extending the receipt to you.

“What the fuck is wrong with you? You all left and you think I’ll just accept this?” you sneer and ball the receipt up to toss it on her chest, breathing heavily.

“It’s either this or nothing.” she sighs and bends down to pick the paper up. She opens your palm which was in a form of a fist and places the paper in the middle. For a second, she holds your fisted hand longer than expected. “I’m truly deeply sorry for everything but I promise you that you will get all the answers you need soon. I missed you so much you have no idea.”

For the first time in over a year, you start to feel your eyes blur with tears when you think about Sae-byeok. Her blurry face etches in your mind and the heartbreak comes washing back. You feel disappointment, it took you so long to bury these feelings aside only for them to come back in minutes.

“…Are they okay?” you whisper, so quietly Ji-yeong almost didn’t hear you.

“You will know everything soon.” she says just as quietly.

When you blink away the tears, you see more clearly Ji-yeong slowly walking back. She is chewing on her bottom lip and is looking at you like she just ran into a wild dangerous animal.

“So, you’re just going to walk away like that!” you bellow, causing disturbance around the market.

“If I don’t I’m going to say something I’m not supposed to!” she shout back and starts whirling around to walk away with great speed in her step.

As you stare blankly ahead, with her phone number in your hand, you’re trying to figure out what just unfolded. It was her, it was actually Ji-yeong in the flesh. And she was all dolled up like meanwhile you look exactly the same. That’s when you feel all the stares around you.

Your lip twitches to form to a scowl seeing everyone throw you strange looks. Scoffing to yourself, you put on your headphones again and stuff the receipt in your pocket.

It looks like tonight is going to be another restless night.

⊹ ✿・・───・・✦・・───・・✿

All the volunteers, Mi-Cha, and Yoon, shout out your name and take shot out of small plastic cups to celebrate the opening of your art gallery. Once everyone swallows down the liquor down her throats, they whistle, hoot, and holler. You smile silently at their festive faces.

This was a life changing moment, but it didn’t feel like it. Not with what happened a week ago. You hate that they’re ruining your special day. How can the haunt you till this very moment?

Once the gallery was open to the public you were stuck in a limbo of greeting guests, explaining your art work, getting declined to purchase a piece, and thank them for their time. It was this constant repetitiveness that was the cause of your headache.

Three hours in and you only hold one singular thing. Maybe this wasn’t as life changing of an opportunity as you thought.

You excuse yourself to Hyunji, one of the volunteers in charge of any customer purchases, and frantically head to the bathroom. It was hard to get it together when things aren’t running as smoothly as you imagined. You turn on the sink to splash your face with water and control your breathing. When you shut your eyes the image of Ji-yeong pops up into your head and your heart sinks. You forgot to text her this morning.

“Shit.” you curse to yourself and whip out your phone to her text message.

Yesterday morning, she finally we texted you to set up a meeting arrangement. Originally, she was only able to come in today but this exhibition was much more important that you couldn’t miss it. So, you texted her that you’ll be busy the entire day. When she asks about your whereabouts you simply told her the gallery at your school and didn’t reply to her since. But when you check your phone, she just seen your message and didn’t text back.

Maybe she is having doubts about talking with you. Maybe you aren’t worth getting closure.

You sigh and put your phone away.

“There you are!”

When you step out the bathroom you come face to face with Mi-Cha. She jumps enthusiastically in your face and pulls you to the back room of the gallery where only workers are allowed. Your heart drops seeing a circle of people around you, grinning ear to ear.

“What? What’s going on?” you ask, nervously.

Yoon steps up and starts combing through your hair which became unruly as the day went on. You just stare around, confused.

“Someone wants to buy your art. All of it!” Chaeun beams, shaking your shoulders aggressively. All of this attention was overwhelming you.

Your eyes get wide. “A—All of it? No way…” you say in disbelief.

“Yes! And you have to go and greet yourself if you want to close the sale!” she adds.

It was finally all happening for you. You didn’t think you’ll feel so clammy and awkward about it though. “I’m scared I’m—“

“At your age you’re scared?” Yoon scoffs and starts reapplying gloss to your lips. “Come on, just shake their hand, greet yourself, and state how thankful you are. Also, lose this ugly blazer that’s so not you.”

“Thanks. I told Mi-Cha I looked ridiculous.” you snort as she helps you remove the blazer.

“Hey!” Mi-Cha pouts.

The entire group steps out all at once. You gulp nervously looking around to see if you can spot them, but how can you? Maybe you tried to see who in the sea of onlookers looks the richest.

“They’re over there. Good luck!” Chaeun points ahead at a figure facing their back.

You let Hyunji take your hand and lead the way over to the customer. With every person you pass, one of the people you least expected in the crowd is where you end up facing. A person wearing a trench coat and a beanie, their back facing you as they were engrossed in your favorite sculpture. You send Hyunji a hesitant look but she nudges you to speak up, you take a deep breath in to control your racing heart.

“Hello, I’m—“

You stumble backwards like someone took a punch to your guts. It was like your mind was playing tricks. Your body gave up on you, it commenced—fight or flight mode. You choose flight.

Spinning back around without a further thought, you march away and Hyunji scurries after you confused. You aggressively wipe the tears streaming down your cheeks and walk even faster.

“Hyunji, don’t sell a single piece to her, got it?” you snarl. Your body is on fire and your mind is dizzy.

“What?!” she gapes and reluctantly looks back at the customer. “Are you out of your mind?”

“You don’t know anything, Hyunji!” you say, you voice shaking horribly.

You slam the door open to the back room and place your hand on your knees trying to catch your short cut breath. In any second, you feel like you might collapse.

“Are you okay?” Yoon enters momentarily after and bends down to take a look at your face.

“Yoon, tell her she’s fucking crazy—“

“Hey, drop it.” she says, sternly. Hyunji is dumbfounded. “Go.” when she walks off muttering curses to herself, Yoon rubs circles around your back until you stand up straight again. “Was that…?” she trails off and you profusely nod which only made you feel more dizzy. “Step outside you need air. I’ll make sure Hyunji does what she’s told.”

You press your back firmly against the cement walls of the art gallery and stare up at the sky.

It couldn’t be true. It couldn’t have been Sae-byeok who turned around. Her face becomes more detailed in your mind again, you see it all now. Her constellation of freckles, her plump almost chapped lips, and those intense eyes.

“Hey, we need to talk.”

The moment you heard her low and handsome voice again, your stomach does somersaults. But you shut your eyes tightly, refusing to believe this is actually happening.

You felt a tall presence lean against the wall beside you. Slowly, you open your wet eyes thinking that this was all in your head. But when you peer over your shoulder, you see Sae-byeok.

She sharply gazes ahead, her lips immovable, and her hands stuffed into the pockets of her trench coat. She too looks as strange as Ji-yeong—very cleanly styled. However, Sae-byeok’s outfit was more laid back with her long pair of black jeans and her short hair mostly covered by her thick beanie.

The anger comes rushing back. She tormented your thoughts and she doesn’t appear to seem fazed in the slightest.

“Go fuck yourself there’s nothing to say.” you sneer at her and push yourself off the wall to enter back inside.

Your breath hitches when you feel her large hands wrap around your wrist, sending goosebumps to trail down your arms.

“Please I—“

“Go away, Sae-byeok. I—I can’t do this anymore!” you croak and swat your wrist out of her grasp. “I was just starting to…”

“Get over me?” she whispers weakly beside you.

“Fuck you.” you say through gritted teeth, still refusing to look up at her.

“I never got over you either. How could I?” she says, almost desperately.

“I don’t care.”

“But you do.”

“Stop.” you say much calmly. “There’s no point…It wouldn’t work out anymore.”

“It?”

She reaches you grab your shoulders with her cold hands. You let her turn you around to face her. The nostalgic warm feeling in your stomach comes back again, a year later. You wonder if she’s feeling it too when you meet her softened eyes. Her eye bags look less prominent, you hope this meant she was doing better. But your concern couldn’t overcome the feelings of betrayal.

“Whatever this was.” you explain to her. You think back to that November day, where you finally gave up in searching for her and recognition overcomes you. “I’m not the same person you left behind, Sae-byeok.” you murmur, ashamed.

You two fall silent. It was difficult for you to look up from the ground.

“…I’m sure I’d love to meet her.” she says gently. Your eyes start getting watery again. You see her shoes shuffle forward. “Let me explain everything. If you don’t want to do anything with me after it then fine—I’ll never bother you again.”

You were conflicted with her. The feelings were just the same as they were back then, but if she left you once could she do it again? Maybe this is your only chance to get closure, even if it means you have to say goodbye to Sae-byeok for the final time.

“Sure. Midnight—the cafe we first went to.” you say plainly. “And don’t come in my gallery.”

Sae-byeok’s jaw slackens as she watches you enter back into the gallery without uttering anything else.

You couldn’t trust this. You can’t trust her. What is she playing at? Why now? Was she actually planning on buying everything? How is that possible…

So, many thoughts swirled in your head trying to figure out her sudden appearance. How can you concentrate back on your exhibition after this?

⊹ ✿・・───・・✦・・───・・✿

You don’t know what was a stronger feeling towards Sae-byeok right now, love or betrayal.

You found out a long time ago that your feelings for Sae-byeok were deep and prevalent. So much so, that every failed date you had in the past only failed because they succumbed to meet the standards of your feelings towards her. And when you finally saw her beautiful face again, those feelings were euphoric even if you deny it.

But how can you both come back from this after what she’s done to you? She left you in the dark for over a year. You doubt whatever excuse she has will reprimand anything but you need to know why.

The anticipation of it all was damming. When the exhibition finally closed at eight, you knew you couldn’t sit and wait around in the dorms till midnight so you took a long walk all the way from campus to the twenty-four hour cafe to prepare yourself mentally. You hope she has a good explanation to everything—a riveting one.

You ended up arriving to the cafe an hour earlier, so you just sat in the corner of the shop drinking your iced coffee, listening to your music and your legs bouncing aggressively. The only thing you could do was blankly stare at the wooden table and think about the time you and Sae-byeok first went here—it was the day you came out to her. It’s strange…it feels like it all went down recently.

When Sae-byeok abruptly sits down beside you, you flinch back and scramble to put your you headphones. You check the time, there was still thirty minutes left till midnight. The anticipation must’ve been killing you both.

So, once you have the courage to look at her she already was. And she wasn’t ashamed to. Her eyes, which was a sharp and intense gaze earlier is now more vulnerable and soft. Your cheeks burn up.

When she breaks the eye contact, she looks down at her lap, struggling to find her words. But when she gulps, she softly says, “I lied to you.”

You chew on the inside of your cheek. You’re so scared to know the truth.

She continues after a brief pause, “I didn’t have it all together…A few days after you left, a man approached me and offered me money to play a game with him. He said that…that I can make more money if I called a business card he gave me—so I did. But it wasn’t anything like I thought it would be…”

Her voice starts trembling and you had no idea where she was going with this.

So, Sae-byeok tells you about the games she joined—squid game? She tells you about the secluded island, the abduction of four hundred desperate people drowning in financial ruin, the millions of dollar prize, Deok-su and Yen-ho, and craziest of all if that’s even possible…the deaths. When she quietly tells you about how the guards in these games kill people off who lose, her voice started to shake horrendously. At first, you couldn’t believe it sounds…made up. But you take a look right into her eyes and saw them glaze over with tears and something even more horrific…torment. It was nothing you’ve ever seen in her before.

When she finishes the story about the part where she ultimately is the sole winner, you were left speechless. Speechless at the fact that what she was saying was real…people died because they were so desperate for money. It was incomprehensible that Sae-byeok and other four hundred human beings chose to risk their lives for money. But that’s the reality of the world we’re living in. What wouldn’t we do for money? A world built upon greed and feeding off the desperation of the poor.

“So,” you gulp, finally speaking after an hour of quietly listening to her story. “once you—won…what did they do?”

She sniffles and wipes away the snot with the end of her sleeve. “T—They threw me in a van…blindfolded and—and they um…tossed me in the road with uh…a card.”

“With the money.” you finish, dabbing away the tears in the corner of your eyes. Sae-byeok nods. “This all sounds so…so fucking…”

“Crazy? Made up?” she scoffs. “It is…apparently they’ve held the games before many times…And it will continue to happen.”

You two sit in silence with this. If Sae-byeok was only in the games for a week, there must be more to her story. What else did she have to endure outside of the games?

“I couldn’t face you after that.” she bluntly confesses. Your breathing stops. “I was a mess I—I still am…and I couldn’t let you go down with me…”

Without further thought, you reach over to place your hand on top of Sae-byeok’s but she quickly pulls her hand to her lap. She gazes up at you for the first time since she began talking, her eyes red.

“I’m sorry—for everything.” she says, her voice small and vulnerable. It was a short and simple apology, but you both knew this meant something more complex and deeper.

“Sae-byeok…” you say but it’s like the words to say are no longer there.

“I know…It’s a lot. I’ll give you time—as much as you need. And I will wait for as long as you want.” she whispers. “I broke your promises so…I deserve to wait now.”

⊹ ✿・・───・・✦・・───・・✿

What Sae-byeok told you two weeks ago completely changes your outlook on life. Everyone knows that this world is cruel and doesn’t slow down for anyone…but this just solidifies that reality even more. No one is safe from the harsh reality.

You’re scared to know what Sae-byeok must’ve been through—after all if she was the sole winner so that means she saw four hundred people, all with a life of their own, die in front of her own two eyes. That’s not something you can just brush off. You no longer care about the betrayal, the year of disconnection, everything…this was an another silent battle she was dealing with on her own. And you are positive that Sae-byeok hasn’t overcome with the trauma—of course she didn’t, this might keep haunting her forever.

But she told you that she wants to wait for you, but the second you left that cafe you already had a clear answer. She gave you her new contact number—it’s that easy to just dial her.

Why did you have to make everything so complicated for yourself?

Only in troubling times like these would you prefer sitting outside to be alone with your thoughts. The campus bench was icy cold and with every breath you withdrew it formed as white clouds.

“There you fucking are. Fuck that was a pain in the fucking ass.” you hear Ji-yeong’s breathless voice somewhere around you. You jump, looking around and find her tirelessly shuffling to you.

“How…?” you trail off.

“You know how many doors I had to knock until finally someone told me where you’d be?!”

“Oh…Sorry?” you frown. “I’ve been here for a while…I didn’t bring my phone with me.”

She sits down and sighs in relief. You let her catch her breath and wonder if she took this much effort to come and look for you for Sae-byeok.

“O—Okay…” she says, pressing her hand to her chest. “I think my body is calm now…Also, take these off—because we really need to talk.”

You snort and let her snatch your headphones from your head, leaving your hair all disheveled. “Is this about, Sae-byeok?”

“Obviously.” she frowns. “You two clearly want to be together and it’s frustrating watching you two keep pushing each other away. I bet she didn’t tell you everything that happened in those stupid games.”

“She told me she wants me to wait—“

“Oh please, she only said that for your sake but she doesn’t want that. Neither do you.”

You fell silent. Ji-yeong groans in exasperation. “Look,” she says and starts sounding more serious. That’s when you peer up to look at her flushed face. “I know her well enough to know that she didn’t tell you everything that she endured from the games.”

“W—What didn’t she?”

She sits in silence to gather her thoughts before starting to explain everything, “She told me that…she made a support system with a small group of people to help each other out because the games got more intense with each play…Apparently, Deok-su started killing people and he and his son’s main target was Sae-byeok. But by some miracle, she found people that could protect her. More specifically one man…she never told me his name but they began talking about each others lives and made a pact that if one of them survives but the other one dies, that they’ll protect each others family. On the last game, they were the sole two survivors—and…he killed himself to let her win.”

This just adds a whole new depth to Sae-byeok’s words two weeks ago. Now more than ever, you refuse to let your stubbornness get in the way of consoling her. Ji-yeong looks at you and smiles weakly, like she knew what you were feeling.

“And once Sae-byeok came back she tried to keep her word…but his mom was already dead by the time she found her. So, she feels guilty. I think she’ll live with that for a while.” she exhales again and her eyes are glazed with a dark look to them. “S—She was so depressed when she came back. Me and Cheol didn’t know what to do—didn’t know how to feel with all the new changes in our lives. We had money yes but…she was broken because of it. For a few months, all she did was stay locked up in her room and whenever she wasn’t, she just had this blank stare on her face the entire time. It was horrible seeing her like that…She is definitely recuperating now but she was so sacred to face you in her state. She still is. You really mean a lot to her because losing you was another big sacrifice she had to make. But she didn’t want to completely abandon you, that’s why she paid off your schools tuition.”

You made your decision right then and there. No more waiting, no more beating around the bush, you want to be with Sae-byeok. You want to be her support system—let her lean on your shoulders on the toughest points. If it takes her a lifetime to overcome her past, you want to be there for her now.

Ji-yeong presses her fingers on the corner of your eyes. You didn’t even notice the tears.

“T—Tell me, Ji.” you breathe. “Where is, Sae-byeok?”

Ji-yeong gives you a sly smile.

From what Ji-yeong told you, Sae-byeok’s favorite ‘rich person hobby’ was jogging. Specifically in Yongsang Family Park. It was a farther commute than you expected but you couldn’t care less. You had to see her now.

However, finding her in the actual park was more of a difficult task than you thought. So, you pace around almost practically running. The lake was frosted over with a thin sheet of ice and the trees around were nothing but different size branches that formed lines of constellations like the night sky above. You trust you and walk along the path next to the lake, but after ten minutes went by you start growing worried that Ji-yeong might be wrong about this.

But you kept walking, keeping that small bit of hope in your heart that you’ll find her. And after another five minutes, you see her tall slender figure. Even though she was running ahead of you, you just knew it. That’s her.

She’s wearing dark gray sweats and a matching hoodie, her short hair tied up in a small ponytail. The clouds of cold air whenever she breathed danced around in the sky—a lot.

For once, the stars perfectly aligned for her to stop jogging to catch her breath the moment you spotted her. You get a boost of courage as you head to her.

Sae-byeok’s hands were on her knees, her chest puffing up and down due to her unsteady breathing, and her eyes were glued shut.

“Sae-byeok.”

She snaps her head back and her eyes grow enlarged when she sees it’s you. Now you can see her face more clearly, her cheeks were dusted rosy pink and her lips pale in comparison.

“How—How did you find me?” she stammers, still trying to catch her breath.

You take hesitant steps closer. “Isn’t it obvious?” you say with a short chuckle.

“Ji-yeong.” she says, stoically.

You wish you had some water to give her, she appears so dehydrated. However, she straightens herself up, places her hands on her hips and starts staring at the ground—like she was bracing herself to hear the worst.

“So, you made up your mind?” she mutters.

“Yes. But before I give you my answer,” you say, choking up on your words. “I just want you to know that I know about the guy, his mom, and…how you dealt with all this—“

“Fucking, Ji-yeong.” she winces and shuts her eyes.

“Sae-byeok, listen to me.” you say softly but there was a bit of demand in your tone. She looks at you with a hardened expression. “It…It really broke my heart when you left. I—I wanted to feel bitter about what you’ve done but…I don’t want to run away from this anymore—from what I feel you for because it never left. No matter how hard I wanted to push it away. And after everything that’s happened to you after those games, you still didn’t lose yourself…your good heart. I want to be there for you—no more fucking waiting. You don’t have to deal with those feelings alone anymore. And I know I’m not all there, but I know I’m still that reckless wonderful person you told me I am.”

Sae-byeok’s body is quivering profusely, using her entire body to stop herself from bursting into tears. But the pools in her eyes were blurring with every second that went by.

But you don’t wait. You throw your arms over her shoulders and securely wrap your arms around her. Even a year later, she smells just the same. You pull her tighter, wanting to feel her heartbeat as your chests touch. Sae-byeok sighs in relief and snakes her arms around your waist, her grip strengthening when she begins to cry. You give her as much time as she needs to cry on your shoulders. It didn’t matter how long it would take, as long as you had her in your arms you’ll remain like this until she’s ready.

“I don’t—I don’t deserve you.” she hiccups, slowly uncoiling her arms from you.

You look into her wet eyes and cup her cheeks. “Stop. We deserve to be with each other. What did I tell you? No more waiting.” you whisper due to the proximity of her face. She stares at you, awestruck. “I want you, Sae-byeok. Please, tell me if you do too?”

For a moment, she stays frozen which ultimately makes your heart drop. Her answer was starting to frighten you.

“I love you.” she whispers, avoiding your gaze.

You smile softly at her shy nature. “I love you too.“

She finally looks at you, like she was surprised to hear you say it. Before you open your mouth to speak, you are cut off by her lips on yours. Sae-byeok holds your waist firmly with one hand while the other is caressing the back of your head. The kiss felt like it lasted a lifetime, both of you wanting to savor this feeling after years of disconnection.

Once you two break apart the kiss, she presses her forehead against yours, her unsteady breath mixing with yours. She continues to stare at your lips that were just as swollen as hers and hesitantly kisses you one last time with much less intensity as the first. This one was a short sweet peck but you loved it just the same.

“You’re so wonderful.” she shyly confesses beside your lips. You both lightly chuckle at this. “After all this time, don’t forget it.”

It hurts to know that you have, you truly forgot. But you will grow to remember it again with Sae-byeok.

“I—I know it’s late but, do you want to spend the rest of the night together and maybe see my new place?” she asks tentatively. “I can show you around town and my favorite spots…Only if you want to—I know you still have school.”

“I just got you back, of course I do.” you smile.

Her cheeks glow a brighter pink. “Okay.”

“I’m curious to know where you live now.” you hum. “Do you live in a penthouse?”

She snorts and starts leading the way, her smile only growing wider. “Cheol is going to be so happy to see you.”

“I’m excited.” you say, bashfully. “And…Your mom?”

“She’s on her way to Thailand.” she says. “She’ll be here before summer starts.”

“That’s amazing.” you gape. “I’m so happy for you, Sae-byeok…this is everything you ever wanted.”

Sae-byeok doesn’t say it out loud but her life is actually starting to turn around for the better. All she’s ever known was cruelties and to never trust anyone. But she took the risk more than she was comfortable with and it just gave her more reasons to stay afloat. Although the past will come and haunt her from time to time, she finally will have all of her loved ones by her side. And that’s enough to keep her going.

🏷️: @monroesturnns @knfthxv @jumpedthenfell-13 @peelover25 @karli6 @kissedberries @bitchybananaflower @laurenkenss @saebyeokbliss @everly-summers-solace @we1rdth0ughts @wlvlurvsfimmia

[widebrimmedhatsblog]

I’d love to hear your thoughts on the ending!!

I'm soooo sorry nonny. This took 5ever. For some reason, I mentally decided that the completion of this ask would be the end of my Onyx Storm era, and then I didn't want to go near it because I didn't want the book to be done :(. However, I was brave, and I did it. This got insanely obscenely long, so you're getting Xaden's chapter 65 now, and then I'll reblog with Vi's LAST chapter some other time.

Chapter 65: Xaden

Veninism: I think the first thing that comes up in this chapter is the insight into the venin mindset. Xaden's significantly more intense (both than earlier in the book, and in his previous POV chapters). At first, I wasn't a huge fan of the "ice" thing, because I missed the part where he explains it (perks of reading till 5 in the morning) and I thought it was some anachronistic hockey reference. (Fun fact: I wrote this out before Rebecca gave that interview revealing that, yes, it WAS an anachronistic hockey reference. I know that lady WELL.) HOWEVER! The way it's explained here, (essay below the cut)

"Wrath courses like a current under the ice I willingly skate onto, cutting my emotions like the burdens they are so I can be the weapon she needs." (Yarros, 520)

reminds me a lot of a PTSD flashback/trauma event. Not only does this make significantly more sense with the metaphor at hand, but it makes a lot more sense with Rebecca's body of work. I know she's made addiction comparisons, and I can see some lines, but, frankly, I think it's a much more intricate web than a 1-1 metaphor. Especially with the use of the word "triggered" to describe what happens to him when he is "on the ice" as it were, I think (if anything) it's about using an addiction to cope with PTSD-type trauma.

Bond Fuckery: After revealing that Xaden cannot kill the sage himself, he goes on to say,

"I could no more raise a blade to his throat than I could Violet. The bond between Violence and me is the kind of magic that has no explanation." (Yarros, 521)

Which....is weird! Given that we have a precise explanation for said bond in Fourth Wing, maybe something else is going on? #the power of love?? I'm not trying to say they're soul mates in any real tangible way because this is not that kind of story, but I do think it means something. I just don't know what yet.

Further bond fuckery themes are found earlier in the book. There's the entire situation with Andarna leaving, in which Leothan says,

"Bonds are merely magical ties. You are irid. You are magic. Bend it, shape it, break it as you see fit." (Yarros, 443)

I've definitely seem some people floating the idea that perhaps Andarna broke Tairn and Sgaeyl's mating bond, re: Tairn's suspicious period of rest on page 526, (I personally thought he was tired from killing some dragons!) and I definitely think that's a possibility. However, I think it's really interesting that, specifically, Leothan also says bend it and shape it. I know we're supposed to finish the book thinking that Andarna/Leothan severed Violet's bond with Andarna, and then re-forged said bond mid-battle. To me...that doesn't really make sense? There was no real moment where you can say, okay, bond re-forged. It just kind of happens? Which I suppose is also how it happens at threshing, so maybe I'm the problem. Still, I think the idea that perhaps Andarna (or another irid??? given her 1 week of training???) bent or reshaped Tairn and Sgaeyl's mating bond (in order to protect Xaden/Xaden's mission/Violet from the consequences of Xaden's mission) is worth considering.

There's also the entire element of modern AU no magic isles. I know a lot of people thought that entire quest section of the book was filler, but I disagree. I definitely think that insertion was meant to demonstrate that the bonds are not as infallible as we've been led to believe, to show their importance to Xaden and Violet, and to further show just how much Andarna is not like other dragons, and therefore able to do shit with the bond.

Xaden's new brother! Xaden starts off describing the new venin by saying,

"and now that my sage has a new sibling he can use against me...I'm screwed." (Yarros, 521)

Then, he goes on to add:

"...my new brother and the unconscious dragon lying in the valley...how could he do this? Choose this after watching me stumble and fall over the last five months. How could he willingly walk the path I've fought like hell to leave? He's the last person I ever would have expected to turn, and yet here we are." (Yarros, 521)

My money's on Bodhi! There's a lot of "brother" mentions surrounding Bodhi, given the repeated descriptions of how similar he and Xaden look. He's "the closest thing (Xaden) has to a brother since Liam." Garrick even thought Theophanie called Bodhi his brother beforehand! It's Bodhi. Further nuance to Bodhi turning is found, in my opinion, in his frustration with Xaden's over-protection at the end of Onyx Storm. This feeling of impotence combined with something potentially happening to Cuir (re: unconcious dragon lying in the valley/Bodhi puking his guts up wherever that quote is) gives him a reason to turn.

I know @skyfallscotland thinks Xaden's new brother is actually Aaric, which is also super intriguing. Specifically, Amy suggested a scenario where Aaric knows he needs to be venin in order to win the war, and is willing to do whatever it takes to get to the future he sees. I do lean more towards Bodhi than Aaric, if only because of the element of knowing for 5 months (which Aaric does not--even if he finds out about Xaden's veninism from his signet, RY has confirmed Aaric didn't manifest in IF, and therefore it cannot have been five months prior to Battle of Draithus), Xaden really seems to care about this new brother. I know he says he has a "complicated sort of loyalty" to Aaric, but I don't think he and Aaric at the friendship level where Aaric can be used against him in the same way Bodhi can. There's also the whole having to give Vi Tyrrendor ordeal. I know some people think Xaden may have had a change of heart and decided to listen to Bodhi in regards to not forcing him to lead Tyrrendor in his stead, and/or Xaden just felt giving Vi the province directly (what a wedding gift!) was the best possible way to protect her. Who knows, not me. I think of Xaden as someone not particularly inclined to listening to people when he doesn't feel like it, but I also know he'll prioritize Vi regardless, so it could go either way.

Slayer! This is just for the one line mention of Berwyn killing the dragons with the alloy dagger. For one thing, I think this draws parallels between the venin and the dragons (which have been a theme the entire series). For another, I think this is how Xaden, Vi, and co. go about killing the dragons and elders in order to get to the eggs. Seems a lot less messy!

Everything, Everywhere, All At Once: Throughout the text, there's a couple mentions of individuals inability to be everywhere all at once. Theophanie, in chapter 60, for example: (from my Kindle copy, so no page numbers, sorryyyy)

"You're just another lightning wielder, mortally incapable of being everywhere at once."

Or, the slightly different take from Mira in Chapter 23:

"Even if he did, we can't be in two places at once."

I have no idea why this got me so bad, but every time I read it, my spidey-senses tingled. I really feel like it means something. Xaden then wraps things up with saying he IS everywhere at once, on page 522 in regards to the veninism amplifying his shadow powers.

Do I know what this means? No! Of course not! At first, I thought it was a papa sorrengail is venin hint, but I don't actually believe in that. I have been holding out hope that perhaps Vi is somehow venin from Lilith (this is why I think papa sorrengail had her dedicated. it doesn't really make sense to me for Rebecca to write her with a real disability, and then have that real disability be a birth defect when it isn't one in real life. that just seems odd?) and I think this COULD be a hint there. Although, as always, who knows.

What is a soul if not love? Some of you may know, I've been getting a wee bit heated about the implications of the corporeal soul. I get a bit gagged by this because it makes no sense. I ask @maethologies probably once a day, what IS a soul? And to that question, I raise you this: what is a soul if not love?

page 523 has this:

""I love you.' Violet's voice cracks the cold, and a silken thread of warmth wedges itself in the opening before it seals shut, locking it in place. No. Wait. I grab for that thread with desperate hands, clawing to keep her as more of my pieces are blown away, lost to the void. She is warmth and light and air and love."

For starters, I think "she is warmth and light and air and love" is my favorite quote from the entire series. It makes me want to cry!!! There's definitely something to the fact that being venin makes Xaden colder, and Violet only seems to get warmer in this book (her lightning being hot enough to blister, for example). But really, my focus here is that he's so aggressively in love with her. I genuinely do not know how people read this line, or the rest of the novel, and somehow thought Xaden was just going to go join up with the venin. Genuinely! I am REALLY not trying to be mean, it just makes no sense to me.

I'm going to go a bit out of order here to further contextualize, but other Xaden Riorson bangers include:

"What even am I? Hers." (Yarros, 524)

And, far earlier in the text, when Courtlyn asks to whom Xaden swears his fealty:

"Violet. (...) My loyalty is to Violet first above everything, everyone else." (this is a Kindle page number because I don't want to find it in my book, LMAO, but it's 326 in that format!)

Again, he's constantly making it as clear as humanly possible that SHE comes first for him. He is not going to spontaneously gain venin loyalty. Whatever soul-fuckery is going on here, it doesn't make him incapable of love. If anything, the presence of love is what is going to continue to save him. In the chapter 48 epigraph, in which a scenario is described wherein a venin returns to their village, desiccating an entire village except for her husband and two children. Clearly, the theme here is that the feeling of love helps venin gain control of themselves when lost to the thrall of power, if you will.

Frankly, there's a LOT of issues with venin as a concept and how willing the fan base is to accept the characterization of the entire "enemy" as evil, soulless, and incapable of feeling and love. Just on the most basic level, think about the real world implications of that ideology for about ten seconds. If you can't do that, think about it in-universe. The entire point of books one and two were that Navarre's government perpetuated a narrative of dehumanization in regards to the Poromish people so that Navarrians could see them as the enemy. This tactic of dehumanization is then DIRECTLY applied to the venin. The narrative on the surface-level is: These people ARE human, but these other guys are the REAL monsters. Please kill THEM instead. I cannot tell you how many times I've seen people say "Violet's never killed anyone in the series, she only kills venin!" The very fact of saying these people aren't human; therefore they can die...do you see what I see? I know I'm a bit more thematically minded than the average romantasy reader, but it's really VERY in your face here.

The most obvious narrative purpose for Xaden choosing to turn is that it gives Violet and the reader a way to humanize the venin, just like working with the gryphon fliers in part two allowed us all to humanize them. After I finished IF, there was not a doubt in my mind that this was where Rebecca was going.

And she went there...a little bit? She's about halfway there, I'd say. Violet has started to internally reconcile with the fact that Xaden being a venin makes it impossible for her to generalize venin any further, but there's definitely still an undercurrent of "he's not like other venin!!" I think this COULD be a logical progression of the story, and, partially, I think it makes sense for it to take a minute for her thought processes to shift. However, I think it needs to be better layered? And I think that when you have a book like this one with such a low barrier to entry, you need to do a bit more thematic hand-holding if you want people to really get things.

Anyway, this was all to say: Xaden loves her, and so, his soul is fine. HE's fine. He's not evil, he didn't marry her just to leave, he's not "team venin". Etc! I could go on about this further, and I think before book 4 I'll be pushed over the edge and do so. But, for now, I do think the direction Rebecca is pushing for is the "cure" being the power of love et. al.

Mommy Issues: We come back to Sgaeyl! I know some people think Sgaeyl breaks the bond with Xaden as part of his 12 hour plan, and again, I ask: literally how.

Basically, unlike his mother, Sgaeyl isn't leaving Xaden. When he breaks through the pulling from the earth haze, he asks Sgaeyl if she forsakes him, and she says:

"'What is there left of you to forsake?' Sgaeyl lowers her head and steam gusts down the canyon, reminding me of the moment she found me in the forest at threshing. (Yarros, 523)

My direct annotation here is : threshing! Threshing = choice. And I'm right! Threshing does equal choice. She has the option to forsake him, and she doesn't! Case closed. I will say, just as a side note, the idea that she'd leave him for being extra venin is wack as hell when he became extra venin for her. I don't think she was that heated about him being venin in the first place: the focus of her ire at the end of IF was that he "picked" Violet. "You cannot! I chose you!/ But Violet chose me too." She's just a pick me dragon at heart.

Quest Squad (Xaden's Version) I touched on this in response to my other ask about the ending, but now we're gonna go beat by beat.

Xaden starts what I call the quest intro by responding to Sgaeyl's threshing part 2 with:

"'You tell me.' I lower the ice and let her in."

Clearly, this is Xaden showing Sgaeyl whatever plan he's been concocting in his head.

Sgaeyl's response:

"Her next breath is laced with sulfur, and her eyes widen. 'You cannot mean to--'"

Now, this is just needlessly vague to make sure we buy the next book. Like we weren't going to anyway. Thank you for extorting me, Red Tower. However, at the very least, it reveals that his plan is, shall we say, problematic? Controversial? Illegal?

Then, we have (from Xaden)

"'You saw what happened. It is the only way.' She glances over her shoulder. 'And you think she'll help?' 'She loves me.' 'Tairn does not, and you haven't looked in a mirror yet. The red veins branching from your eyes look like her lightning.' 'She'll help.' It comes out with a hell of a lot more certainty than I feel. 'She promised.'"

Line by line time!

"it is the only way" is mad interesting from Xaden "the right way isn't the only way" Riorson. It could just be the influence of being venin on his psyche---everything feels more serious now, and he himself is more intense. But it's such an interesting switch, especially since Violet's assumed his way of thinking from FW.

At first I thought the pronoun fuckery in SHE'll help/SHE loves me was meant to indicate that the she in question was not actually Violet, but I don't think so anymore. I do think it's intentionally misleading! Again, for the money. But, more than that, I think Sgaeyl is glancing over her shoulder AT Violet and Tairn to indicate who they're yapping about.

Now, how will she help? I think this is a separate quandary than the marriage (hence where I broke up the text). Personally, I think this is him saying Vi goes with him to get the eggs/kill the dragons/etc.

The veins branching from his eyes are intriguing. I know he says he's no longer an initiate on this page, but I don't think he's an Asim either? According to Mr. Drake Cordella's venin compendium, Asim's veins distend only when riled, but Sage's veins are perpetually distended. (Iron Flame chapter 47 epigraph). I guess we'll see? I don't know, it would make sense to me if he was a sage, but who knows.

And, finally, what the hell did she promise?

WAY earlier on in the book, Xaden says:

"Swear you'll sound the alarm if I go too far, that you'll keep it safe, even if it's from me." (Yarros, 58)

This is what I think he's referring to! I know @hockeyspiral23 thinks the 'it' in question is actually the sword of Tyrrendor (correct me if I'm wrong!!) and not Tyrrendor itself. I definitely think there's something to that theory.

A few pages later, Xaden says:

"I'll use Tyrrendor to protect you, not you to protect Tyrrendor." (Yarros, 102)

Not to be a broken record, but again: Intentionally! Misleading! Content! I think you're SUPPOSED to interpret the promise as Violet saying she'll protect Tyrrendor from Xaden, and Xaden saying he's "gone too far". But when you actually look at the text, there's no way that's what he's saying. First of all, why would Sgaeyl think THAT plan wouldn't work with Tairn? Tairn does NOT fuck with Xaden right now. And then, why would Xaden Riorson, president and CEO of the Violet Sorrengail fan club, prioritize Tyrrendor over Violet? He cares about Tyrrendor, sure, but in the face of VIOLET? It doesn't compare. It just doesn't! ("I love you more than this city. Do not die defending it.") He's not winning any king of the year awards with those priorities, but that doesn't make it any less true. I basically already have a post ranting about this, (here! If you're curious) so I'm going to cut myself off here. Basically, we have to remember who Xaden actually is when we try to contextualize this vague ass chapter.

And then, wedding bells!

"'Even if she agrees, no one will--'

'Someone owes me a favor.'" (Yarros, 524)

This is the part of the quest that I think is more directly the marriage issue. This has already been covered elsewhere, but the Priestess from Dunne's temple says she owes Xaden a favor earlier on. She goes on to officiate their marriage. I just think the wording makes it clear that this is a multi-step plan. (How can Violet "help" with her own marriage?)

I already quoted the absolute banger "What even am I? Hers." But I'm going to bring it up again! His loyalty, primarily, is to Violet. Whatever quest he's going on, it's FOR HER. He steals the eggs FOR HER. He''s taking them somewhere FOR HER. I don't know how to make that any clearer, but if I keep seeing people misinterpret it, I'll probably try again.

Agency!

The final bit I'm going to pull is Sgaeyl saying:

"And her decision will determine our fate." (Yarros, 524).

I think this just really succinctly makes clear my 573938503 argument above. Violet gets final say on Quest Squad (Xaden's Version) but whatever he does do, he's doing it with Sgaeyl. I know there's some good bits Rebecca's said throughout the tour that support this interpretation, but I don't think I need them quite yet. Maybe next time!

For now, that's all. I'll see y'all back here with Violet's chapter in a bit!

[crguang]

suprise baby with kafka is so insane like how would she react? she's prob perfect if r tends to panic under stressful situations, her cool nature would balance their panicky nature.

if we’re real, she just might dip :/ yall know im a firm believer in kafka would pay child support but she’d likely still be an absent mom cause of the stellaron hunters and all of that. first thing she’d say is “…are you keeping it?” in a tone that lets you know she already has a preferred answer to that question bshdjfmfg imo she would just freeze when you tell her youre pregnant. like her movements are a lot slower and she’s manually fixing her face back into that neutral expression, you can see the effort it takes her instead of it being seamless as usual. she asks if you’re sure 3 times, looks at the test herself then just kinda falls silent. her mind is working 100 miles an hour thinking of how much a baby complicates things and what it all entails and her first instinct is to run but she just stands there. not the most immediately comforting, but if she sees youre in visible distress at the news she’d come to you and reassure you that things are gonna be okay whether she believes it or not

if she’s truly deeply in love she would stick around… wouldnt be there 24/7, again, the SH thing, but she would be involved and she’d be so cute about it. she calls (not just texts…) every day to see if youre good and when shes free she just shows up at your place to ease your anxiety in person (and watch her baby grow even tho she doesn’t rlly say it). kafka herself would need a lot of reassurance that this is something you can do together and that she’ll be a good parent because imo she never thought about having kids, theyre too messy and dont fit with her lifestyle (even back on her home planet) so she’d have a lot of reservations about it. but you’re absolutely right that since she doesnt really feel anxious, her energy would rub off on r. she seems to always know what to say (she’s freestyling on the spot) and would just be the most chill one of the two (she smokes a LOT. though shes trying to quit) so it’s refreshing to have her around. if anything, shes always one call away. i think kaf would be a good parent like thats my biased opinion bc i’d force her but she would care so much and it would show in everything she does for you and your kid and now i want her babiesssss😭😭😭😭😭😭

i actually have this whole angsty story in my head about kaf having a kid she doesnt know about and meeting them coincidentally when theyre a toddler bc she recognizes r but not the pink eyed baby next to them………

[aliteralsemicolon]

honestly, the whole ai fight or disagreement thing is kinda insane. we’re seeing the same pattern that happened when the first advanced computers and laptops came out. people went on the theory that they’d replace humans, but in the end, they just became tools. the same thing happened in the arts. writing, whether through books or handwritten texts, has survived countless technological revolutions from ancient civilizations to our modern world.

you’re writing and sharing your work through a phone, so being against ai sounds a little hypocritical. you might as well quit technology altogether and go 100 percent analog. it’s a never ending cycle. every time there’s a new tech revolution, people act like we’re living in the terminator movies even though we don’t even have flying cars yet. ai is just ai and it’s crappy. people assume the worst but like everything before it it will probably just end up being another tool because people is now going to believe anything, nowadays.

Okay so...no. It's never that black and white. Otherwise I could argue that you might as well go 100% technological and never touch grass again. Which sounds just as silly. There are many problems with AI and it's more than just 'robots taking over'. It's actually a deeper conversation about equity, ethics, environmentalism, corruption and capitalism. That's an essay I'm not sure a lot of people are willing to read, otherwise they would be doing their own research on this. I'll sum it up the best I can.

DISCLAIMER As usual I am not responsible for my grammar errors, this was written and posted in one go and I did not look back even once. I'm not a professional source. I just want to explain this and put this discussion to rest on my blog. Please do your own research as well.

There's helpful advancement tools and there's harmful advancement tools. I would argue that AI falls into the latter for a few of reasons.

It's not 'just AI', it's a tool weaponised for more harm than good: Obvious examples include deep fakes and scamming, but here's more incase you're interested.

A more common nuisance is that humans now have to prove that they are not AI. More specifically, writers and students are at risk of being accused of using AI when their work reads more advance that basic writing criteria. I dealt with this just last year actually. I had to prove that the essay I dedicated weeks of my time researching, writing and gathering citations for was actually mine.

I have mutuals that have been accused of using AI because their writing seems 'too advanced' or whatever bs. Personally, I feel that an AI accusation is more valid when the words are more hollow and lack feeling (as AI ≠ emotional intelligence), not when a writer 'sounds too smart'.

"You're being biased."

Okay, here is an unbiased article for you. Please don't forget to take note of the fact that the negative is all stuff that can genuinely ruin lives and the positive is stuff that makes tasks more convenient. This is the trend in every article I've read.

Equity, ethics, corruption, environmentalism and capitalism:

Maybe there could be a world where AI is able to improve and truly help humans, but in this capitalistic world I don't see it being a reality. AI is not the actual problem in my eyes, this is. Resources are finite and lacking amongst humans. The wealthy hoard them for personal comfort and selfish innovations leading to more financial gain, instead of sharing them according to need. Capitalism is another topic of its own and I want to keep my focus on AI specifically so here are some sources on this topic. I highly recommend skimming through them at least.

> Artificial Intelligence and the Black Hole of Capitalism: A More-than-Human Political Ethology > Exploiting the margin: How capitalism fuels AI at the expense of minoritized groups > Rethinking of Marxist perspectives on big data, artificial intelligence (AI) and capitalist economic development

I want to circle back to your first paragraph and just dissect it really quick.

"we’re seeing the same pattern that happened when the first advanced computers and laptops came out. people went on the theory that they’d replace humans, but in the end, they just became tools."

One quick google search gives you many articles explaining that and deeming this statement irrelevant to this discussion. I think this was more a case of inexperience with the internet and online data. The generations since are more experienced/familiar with this sort of technology. You may have heard of 'once it's out there it can never be deleted' pertaining to how nothing can be deleted off the internet. I do not think you're stupid anon, I think you understand this and how dangerous it truly is. Especially with the rise in weaponisation of AI. I'm going to link some quora and reddit posts (horrible journalism ik but luckily I'm not a journalist), because taking personal opinions from people who experienced that era feels important.

> Quora | When the internet came out, were people afraid of it to a similar degree that people are afraid of AI? > Reddit | Were people as scared of computers when they were a new thing, as they are about AI now? > Reddit | Was there hysteria surrounding the introduction of computers and potential job losses?

"the same thing happened in the arts. writing, whether through books or handwritten texts, has survived countless technological revolutions from ancient civilizations to our modern world."

I think this is a logical guess based on pattern recognition. I cannot find any sources to back this up. Either that or you mean to say that artists and writers are not being harmed by AI. Which would be a really ignorant statement.

We know about stolen content from creatives (writers, artists, musicians, etc) to train AI. Everybody knows exactly why this is wrong even if they're not willing to admit it to themselves.

Let's use writers for example. The work writers put out there is used without their consent to train AI for improvement. This is stealing. Remember the very recent issue of writer having to state that they do not consent to their work being uploaded or shared anywhere else because of those apps stealing it and putting it behind a paywall?

I shouldn't have to expand further on why this is a problem. Everybody knows exactly why this is wrong even if they're not willing to admit it to themselves. If you're still wanting to argue it's not going to be with me, here are some sources to help you out.

> AI, Inspiration, and Content Stealing > ‘Biggest act of copyright theft in history’: thousands of Australian books allegedly used to train AI model > AI Detectors Get It Wrong. Writers Are Being Fired Anyway

"you’re writing and sharing your work through a phone, so being against ai sounds a little hypocritical. you might as well quit technology altogether and go 100 percent analog."

...

"it’s a never ending cycle. every time there’s a new tech revolution, people act like we’re living in the terminator movies even though we don’t even have flying cars yet."

Yes there is usually a general fear of the unknown. Take covid for example and how people were mass buying toilet paper. The reason this statement cannot be applied here is due to evidence of it being an actual issue. You can see AI's effects every single day. Think about AI generated videos on facebook (from harmless hope core videos to proaganda) that older generations easily fall for. With recent developments, it's actually becoming harder for experienced technology users to differentiate between the real and fake content too. Do I really need to explain why this is a major, major problem?

> AI-generated images already fool people. Why experts say they'll only get harder to detect. > Q&A: The increasing difficulty of detecting AI- versus human-generated text > New results in AI research: Humans barely able to recognize AI-generated media

"ai is just ai and it’s crappy. people assume the worst but like everything before it it will probably just end up being another tool because people is now going to believe anything, nowadays."

AI is man-made. It only knows what it has been fed from us. Its intelligence is currently limited to what humans know. And it's definitely not as intelligent as humans because of the lack of emotional intelligence (which is a lot harder to program because it's more than math, repetition and coding). At this stage, I don't think AI is going to replace humans. Truthfully I don't know if it ever can. What I do know is that even if you don’t agree with everything else, you can’t disagree with the environmental factor. We can't really have AI without the resources to help run it.

Which leads us back to: finite number of resources. I'm not sure if you're aware of how much water and energy go into running even generative AI, but I can tell you that it's not sustainable. This is important because we're already in an irrevocable stage of the climate crisis and scientists are unsure if Earth as we know it can last another decade, let alone century. AI does not help in the slightest. It actually adds to the crisis, we're just uncertain to what degree at this point. It's not looking good though.

I am not against AI being used as a tool if it was sustainable. You can refute all my other arguments, but you can't refute this. It's a fact and your denial or lack of care won't change the outcome.

My final and probably the most insignificant reason on this list but it matters to me: It’s contributing to humans becoming dumber and lazier.

It's no secret that humans are declining in intelligence. What makes AI so attractive is its ability to provide quick solutions. It gathers the information we're looking for at record speed and saves us the time of having to do the work ourselves.

And I suppose that is the point of invention, to make human life easier. I am of the belief that too much is of anything is every good, though. Too much hardship is not good but neither is everything being too easy. Problem solving pushes intellectual growth, but it can't happen if we never solver our own problems.

Allowing humans to believe that they can stop learning to do even basic tasks (such as writing an email, learning to cite sources, etc) because 'AI can do it for you' is not helping us. This is really just more of a personal grievance and therefore does not matter. I just wanted to say it.

"What about an argument for instances where AI is more helpful than harmful?"

I would love for you to write about it and show me because unfortunately in all my research on this topic, the statistics do not lean in favour of that question. Of course there's always pros and cons to everything. Including phones, computers, the internet, etc. There are definitely instances of AI being helpful. Just not to the scale or same level of impact of all the negatives. And when the bad outweighs the good it's not something worst keeping around in my opinion.

In a perfect world, AI would take over the boring corporate tasks and stuff so that humans can enjoy life– recreation, art and music– as we were meant to. However in this capitalist world, that is not a possiblility and AI is killing joy and abolish AI and AI users DNI and I will probably not be talking about this anymore and if you want to send hate to my inbox on this don't bother because I'll block your anon and you won't get a response to feed your eristicism and you can never send anything anonymous again💙

[ivoyzzz]

my hero

synopsis: kang no-eul doesn’t have much to look forward to in her life, but what she does have is a library. a place so quiet and serene that her problems slip away the moment she steps in. she could get lost in the words on the pages. that was until - she spotted a cute stranger in distress.

warnings: fluff wc: 1.3k

a/n: i need her chemically omg shes adorable and i had this idea brewing..xoxo ivy

kang no-eul walked into the quiet and warm bookstore. the bell ringing as she pushed open the door, darting to the horror section. this section never failed her, unlike the thriller section which occasionally there would be a waste of a few hours. no-eul liked reading horror, it always reminded her that even if she has it bad, it could be worse.

her fingers trailing across the spine’s of the horror books. “read that, read that, and oh that.” no-eul mumbles tiredly. maybe it was time for her to find a different hobby, instead of sitting in this dim library, reading every horror book that laid on the shelves.

then a red book catches her eye, she tugs it off the shelf, the bold black print catching her eye. she shrugs half-heartedly, walking to her usual spot: a small, comfortable, and brown chair. no-eul lets out a sigh of relief as she takes a seat, the tension in her shoulders fading slightly.

she was tired. no, she was exhausted. no-eul wears that hot bunny suit, all day, 6 times a week. she’s frustrated and upset, but most of all she’s drained. whenever she’s in the library, it's one of those rare moments, she can just breathe. no-eul doesn’t have to worry about getting to work, going to sleep in her car, just her in this library. her library.

no-eul opens up the book, biting her chapped bottom lip, in concentration. she gets through about half the book, before she decides to call it a night. she stands up grabbing her bag and just as she’s about to put the book back on the shelf, something catches her eye. a girl, you. sitting by herself, papers and notebooks scattered everywhere around.

your sitting on a little couch on the side of the library. the book is one required for your english course, and safe to say the most complicated book ever. your eyebrows furrowed, as you try to understand the hidden metaphors and themes.

no-eul looks at you, she doesn’t know why, but something about you draws her attention. she shoves the book back on the shelf, walking around the bookshelf to glance at you from the side. nobody is usually here at this hour. no-eul's curiosity seems to be getting the better of her. her gaze lingers on you as she walks around the shelf, trying to make sense of the strange pull she feels. the quiet of the library amplifies the tension in the air, and it’s clear she’s both intrigued and a bit cautious.

as you drop your pen away from you, you let out a tiny groan. when you go to pick it up, you see a hand extended towards you, holding the pen in their palm.

as you meet eyes with this stranger, you see it’s a girl about your age. a very attractive girl, for that matter. her hair falling right on her shoulders, eyes sharp but have an almost soft gaze on you. you take the pen, trying to form a coherent sentence. “thanks..” you mumble, eyes locked on hers. no-eul gives you a soft nod, bringing her hand back to her pocket.

no-eul wants to walk away, really she does. she’s tired and wants nothing more then to sleep the day off. but something stops her - the exhausted and drained look, that’s on your face. she knows that look, she wears that look everyday. what kind of person would she be if she didn’t help the tired pretty girl?

no-eul clicks her tounge, eyes darting down to book you hold. no-eul was a lot smarter then she got credit for. “can i see?” she says, voice raspy after not using it for a while. you, of course, nod. why would you decline much needed help from this insanely attractive girl?

no-eul takes the book and the seat next you. “i’ve read this before, what do you need help with?” she hands the book back to you gently. “i have a paper due about the message that author is trying convey. clearly, it’s not conveying very well to me.” you sigh leaning back against the couch.

no-eul just lets out a soft hum, she picks up the rubric for the paper. her eyes glancing across your face, she could tell that you pretty much rather do anything else. “what’s your name?“ you ask the girl who just totally saved you. “no-eul. what’s your name?” she asks, repeating your question, her voice gentle. you tell her your name, and she hums having to pull her eyes away from you to get to work.

the two of you work on the paper, no-eul trying to guide you in the right direction without doing it for you. no-eul finds her gaze lingering on your face for entirely too long. your gaze lingering on her hands.

the night passes by, the air conditioner turning on and off. the only reason the two of you stop, is because the librarian tells you both it’s closing time. no-eul helps you gather your stuff walking out silently behind you. hands stuffed in her pockets.

“please let me buy you food, you’ve helped me so much. it’s really the least i can do.” you say, practically pleading with her. if she hadn’t helped you, you would’ve probably gotten frustrated and gave up.

no-eul hesitates, but she can see how you probably won’t give up till you convince her. but she wasn’t going to pass free food from this sweet girl. “okay."

you give her a smile walking to the nearest 24/7 convenience store, those being the only things open. the automatic doors sliding open, “pick out anything you want seriously, i owe you everything.” you smile at her. no-eul looks at you, giving you a small upside-down smile. it was awkwardly adorable.

after you pay, the both of you sit at a table outside. the quiet night is peaceful, not needing any words. as no-eul takes slow bites, her eyes remain on you. she can’t help but fixate on you. the way your hair falls down your shoulders, the way your lips up-turned every time you took a bite. no-eul saw something in you that was taken from her a long time ago. it made her want to protect you from all the scary things in the world. she knew you were perfectly capable of taking care of yourself, but she couldn’t help it.

“thank you again for the help.” you mumble breaking the silence in between bites. no-eul nods, “it was nothing, i enjoyed it.” no-eul’s eyes weren’t on your eyes, they were on your lips. the cute girl you met at the library, was staring at your lips? after she had helped you with an seemingly impossible paper, no-eul was a gift.

“if uh.. if you ever need help again, i’d be happy to do it.” no-eul says, making her move.

“really?” you smile, sliding your phone across the table. “give me your number. so i can contact you, ...for help.” you said the last part sounding unsure. did you want help in future? yes. did you also just want to give no-eul your number? also yes.

no-eul types in her number, handing your phone back. no-eul could feel her hand graze yours, as you took the phone back. “what if i want to just see you?” she swallowed, not breaking eye contact with you.

“i’d like that, i’ll text you.” you murmured, the tension in the air thick. your brain feeling fuzzy from her gaze.

“hope to see you soon, pretty.” no-eul says, as she stands up, a hint of teasing in her voice. when she says this, you swear your heart actually dropped. where was this side of her when she was helping you with your paper?

no-eul disappears into the dark night, leaving you standing there confused and flustered. it only left you wanting more, from your pretty hero.

[icecoldbeauty]

Your friends sound wonderful, happy to hear you've got people like that around for you! I wish I'd been able to be that close to others at my age. I'm thankful to have the friends I do now of course, they all mean a lot to me- but sometimes I just wonder if I might've been happier if I'd had even just one or two friends myself back then- if then I could look back on my childhood with more fondness than I do… I enjoyed my gym challenge and my league days and all, but I try to avoid thinking about anything before then really, because it wasn't good. I usually feel worse after looking back upon those memories than I had beforehand. Maybe it could've been different, but… well, I'd like to think that I still turned out okay enough in the end, and I'm happy with the way I am and people I surround myself with now.

I actually do think becoming famous did a fair bit of good for me as a person, but my goodness that couldn't ever stop me from despising some of the things that come with it- all the reporters and interviewers asking the most ridiculous questions on earth and writing even more ridiculous things about me, people invading my personal space and privacy, getting recognized everywhere, treated like I'm better than everyone else just for existing- I don't miss things like that at all. (Frankly I think I'm too afraid of what it could possibly say to check my own Wikipedia page, and I've now made so much more information public and easily accessible that could be put on there… I do NOT want some of the silly things I've posted to be on an article about me, no thanks, not going to find out if they're there!)

Wait, you're the only one that lives there? I thought my little island of 20 people was abysmal before this, but 'only resident' would top that on list of worst living situations for sure. In general I just think it's nice that someone else actually wants to hear me, haha! Not too many people are really jonesing to listen to a middle-age lady talk about her youth and whatnot. I almost wish I'd had someone willing to listen to me go on about some of these things sooner honestly!

Really, I've already spent so much time regretting that I'd kept it to myself so long- but that was also because I'd already convinced myself it was over, that I'd messed up permanently and would never get to go back or try again… In truth, I think a lot of it was just… me being scared, as silly as it feels to say. But maybe you're right and I should just… at least try. At least let her know while I've still got time to… Perhaps writing to her will be in order after this sends. Ah, crazy to think all I really needed all this time was a chance to talk about it and get a little push! I was really badly stuck in my own head about it all and overthinking it for the longest time, wasn't I? Alas, I always have had an unfortunate penchant for such a thing- and don't oft have someone around to talk me down from it anymore.

I almost wonder if it'd be more efficient for other regions like Kanto to use a similar system… Especially things like a seasonal Gym circuit and this whole endorsement idea, it actually does seem rather smart. Goodness, I'd have loved not having a year-round system when I worked in the League… Loved my job, but doing it almost every day all year is exactly as exhausting as it likely sounds! Also what is with so many world-ending plots happening during League battles?! The fact I've heard more than one instance of this now is insane and honestly almost comical. Are all the criminals plotting specifically to ruin some 12 year olds championship battles for some reason? How else does this happen more than once like that? Also, why are there so many criminals trying to destroy the world to begin with, I swear I've heard of this in every region by now- I'm starting to think that someone trying to commit atrocities and getting stopped by actual children IS a normal Saturday with how many times I've heard it! Insane it is, I'm glad the Indigo league didn't have too many incidents that level of crazy after Giovanni.

Oh yeah wait you're too old to know what inkay games is my bad

Oh, please, I’m only twenty-three.

[ he’s not old. don’t make that mistake again. ]

—💎

[uncanny-tranny]

I recently had to do a project in one of my psych classes, and man, I knew that CBT was used for every little thing, but seeing over and over, "do CBT! CBT is the best for every mental illness!" was so jarring. I'm absolutely biased because of my own experiences, but I just don't think it's as universal a treatment model as it's touted.

If you didn't benefit from CBT, it's not because you're lazy or didn't try hard enough or lacked intelligence or foresight into your own needs. Frankly, it's a therapy model that (I think) shouldn't be the only readily-accessible model and among the only therapy models covered by insurance. Some of us should not be treated in a CBT model and that's okay. It's not a sign of poor character or unreasonable demands, and if you don't think it's a model that works for you, then it's your right to express that!

[honourablepranksinatra]

Maple Leafs discourse on their team social medias makes me lose brain cells because wdym they're first in their division and coming off a 5 game win streak & people are commenting that the top players are only in it for the money and have no drive, that particular players are useless and need to be traded asap, that they're a garbage team, that they'll never make it past the first round just because they lost one game.

Apparently because they are being payed handsomely the players must be mindless automatons who perform perfectly every night. It drives me absolutely nuts how quickly alleged fans will completely turn on their own team.

[butchdykeorpheus]

no cop-out option. reasoning/analysis in the tags. show your work

[quaranmine]

i just went to bed, then 15 minutes later got out of bed and turned the lights on, grabbed a pencil and sticky note, and began frantically calculating my total possible annual leave between now and December 2025. Again.

just in case anyone is wondering just how meticulous and obsessive i am over future travel and time off

[sendmyresignation]

one thing about my steadfast belief in the beautiful inevitably of mc5 is it will remain unwavering because i have been through harder times. i was a believer when no one had faith (2020)

[importantandunavoidable]

[chocottang]

disorganized ramble about cami

eak and ttrap's care for cami is what dooms her to stay with owyyn. both of them want to save cami but they don't actually take the time to listen to her, spend time with her and understand why she stays by owynn's side because they're too focused on saving her, as if she were a damsel in distress, to see her. they don't try reasoning with her because they know she's committed to owynn but they don't take the time to ask themselves why. and that's exactly why owynn has the upper hand, i believe. he listens to cami, he takes the time to understand her needs, frustrations and things that bring her joy and he weaponizes that. a push and pull, if u will. he berates her to keep her from questioning him, and then does something nice so she doesn't hate him. he sees her as a full-fledged person and plays into her ideologies, desires and pains to convince her that she should do what he says. ttrap and eak are too focused on the idea of saving her that they don't see her as a person anymore, they don't take the time to deprogram her. that dooms her. because she feels like they don't understand her, because they don't, so she turns more and more to owynn. who seems to understand her even better than herself, who doesn't underestimate her or take her as stupid, who takes her seriously and explains things she doesn't understand instead of laughing it off or thinking she's cute for being confused. who sees her as a person. as a person that is worth trusting on instead of just a girl that needs to be protected. maybe she thinks eak and ttrap have been blinded by the bullying she suffered and see her as an eternal victim as a result. so she thinks owynn is not as bad as they say, because they are too focused on seeing her as someone who is weak and can't handle anything on her own. in a way, she may want to prove herself, that she is not that weak little girl anymore. she is strong, has powers, can defend herself and judge if her relations are good or bad for her. being a threat may be cathartic: she is not the weak victim anymore, she has the control and the power now. she decided owynn is good for her, because he sees her as capable, strong, reliable. something eak and ttrap, no matter how many times she gets mad at them and threatens them, will never do. she is not capable to them, she is a victim that needs saving. and cami hates that.

kind of like that one post format. "i would kill for you" "i would die for you" okay but would you listen to me. would you remember the things that upset me and make me happy. would you explain things i don't understand. would you spend time with me even if i'm silent and don't even want to be with myself. that kind of ordeal