#this really is just me trying to force myself to confront my anxiety and let myself be bad at things

[persephoneprice]

i wrote a kinda stupid little thing about persephone and pup harrington?

[cross-my-heartt]

Alright, I’m saying it

I hate what they did with Crosshair in season three

Yes, the entirety of season three, barring maybe only the first three episodes. Let me elaborate.

I’ve been seeing people be more open about criticizing the finale and it’s given me the push to be more open about my own thoughts. And since I still advertise myself as a Crosshair girlie, I think this is a good place to start.

I really honestly don’t like the majority of what they did with Crosshair’s character this season. And yes, that includes the hand tremors. From the myriad things that felt out of character for him to making him a walking exposition dump, to completely stripping him of his more interesting qualities I honestly struggle to see him as the same character I loved right up until the end of season two.

I almost understand why so many people have come around on him – it’s because he’s a completely different character. We’re meant to believe that his time on Tantiss and Hemlock’s attempted reconditioning has changed him as a person. Which is all fine and dandy until you realize that this new character we get feels more like he’s gone through therapy rather than trauma.

New Crosshair is much more agreeable. He’s mild, he rolls over at the first sign of conflict, he talks about his emotions at the drop of a hat and there’s barely any meaningful tension between him and the other characters (not one that’s not forced anyways).

And my question is, why? If we’re just going to use off screen trauma (off. screen. trauma???) to change characters willy nilly then what even is the point of watching a show?

Say I suddenly wanted to make Wrecker this very angry character with a short fuse and I decide that he got an injury off screen that’s causing him chronic pain. It makes sense logically while at the same time making zero sense for him, even less so if you don’t see it play out, because it erases core parts of the character that we already know.

One of the first things Crosshair does in tcw is start a fight. Crosshair has always been a belligerent guy. He literally responds to being hurt by attacking. Where is that combativeness now? I would even go as far as to say that he’s been the primary source of conflict for the group since season one and I don’t even mean that in a bad way. Crosshair bites back. He hides pain by trying to inflict it, he talks back, he challenges, he digs his heels in to the point of proactively making bad life choices.

And the reason why he’s worked so well in this team so far is because his tendencies were counteracted by those around him, right up until the inevitable rift caused by the chip. I could go on about Wrecker and Tech but we all know that the main counterbalance, Crosshair’s foil here, is Hunter. Hunter is supposed to be the one that deescalates, they’ve gotten along so far because he’s the one that handled rising tensions (it’s the reason he’s the leader of their group to begin with. Remember who deescalated that fight in tcw? Remember who started it?) Where Crosshair pushes, Hunter puts a stop to it. Where Crosshair attacks, Hunter deflects, maybe sometimes too much.

And these first two season have felt like they were steadily building towards a confrontation between these two. We wanted Hunter to snap at Crosshair on Pabu because we’ve been craving it. This whole time Crosshair’s been saddled with more and more trauma, unresolved tensions from as far back as season one (which we all seem to have forgotten about as if that story never happened, tldr I’m still bitter no one addressed the Crosshair being abandoned subplot, hello remember that) while the narrative has simultaneously been stripping Hunter of his patience; months of anxiety and frustration and stress chipping away at him and wearing him down so that we can finally get to see these characters clash. The perfect recipe for all of that tension exploding and being set loose.

And what did we get instead?

A tiny little spat. An argument that gets interrupted before fizzling out (because Crosshair can talk about feelings all of a sudden). We got Hunter in the exact right position only for the show to purposefully strip Crosshair of his characteristic belligerence because apparently we don’t want to see any conflict. It’s like they’re teasing us – look Hunter’s on the verge of snapping but Crosshair’s the bigger man now so we don’t get to see that! Why??? What part of that was satisfying?? We got Crosshair pushing back for the tiniest of seconds and resolved two seasons of tension in half an episode. Where they had to fight a giant worm. In what universe is that a satisfying conclusion.

The only reason I can think of is that this mirror development is supposed to be some kind of irony or subversion but honestly that explanation falls so flat in the face of our expectations as an audience.

And the thing is, I think even the authors realized that they had nuked their most intriguing character. Because once they removed his established response to trauma, which was all of those wonderfully complex emotional reactions, they realized they needed to manifest it in some other way. So we got the hand tremors.

Now Crosshair doesn’t get angry or stubborn he just gets jittery. And I know this sounds dismissive but the only reason that is is because the show itself deals with it in a completely ham-fisted and surface-level way.

I hated the hand tremor subplot. Me. Someone who spent two years being disabled because of neural damage to my hands that prevented me from doing the hobbies I used to define myself as a person. Someone who spent two years depressed and dysfunctional because of the loss of identity and purpose I suffered because of that disability.

So no I’m not fucking happy that they used something as serious as ptsd to spice up a character they themselves made bland in the first place. For no reason other than a subplot that went literally nowhere. A subplot that was shish kebabed after an underwhelming fight scene.

Don’t even get me started on the pun level writing of chopping said hand off.

But back to Crosshair… or what’s left of him after this season (see I can make a pun too). Crosshair was already interesting enough as a character without the added hand tremor subplot and I'm dying on that hill.

The thing is, they were so intent on pushing this new, watered down version of Crosshair that even more reasonable, level-headed characters had to be thrown under the bus, made irrationally aggressive next to him to try and make us believe it. I have a lot to say about Howzer this season but the only thing I’ll say for now is that he’s the most prominent victim of this, along with his entire retconned season one plotline.

And speaking of victims, I can’t help but feel like I need to apologize to all the Tech fans out there once again. Because what I think actually happened is that Tech was never the writers’ favorite and was never meant to get any sort of satisfying conclusion.

That was always Crosshair.

The focal point of season one. The most prominent source or drama and conflict. The character who drove the plot forward even when he appeared in a fraction of episodes. The character who got the most development (even if that development spiraled wildly out of control at the end). Nearly every major subplot in this show happened in relation to or in favor of Crosshair’s arc. Tech’s death. Omega’s capture. The CX clones. The hand tremors. All of the meaningful developments and events reserved for two characters in this show, Omega and Crosshair. (Some would argue Hunter as well but really, did Hunter get any development as a character? Spoiler alert, a happy ending is not the same as a character arc.)

My guess is that this was always meant to be the case. The writers just weren’t prepared for the fans’ response to Tech’s death, it caught them off guard, and here’s one more reason why I think creators should stay away from social media or any kind of prolonged fan interaction. Because all it got us in the end was some form of cruel teasing, them trying to ride the wave of attention and thinking their original plans would make up for it when that wave inevitably crashed.

But anyway.

What happens when you dump a bunch of pain and suffering onto a character with a problematic response to adversity? Apparently it makes them emotionally intelligent, at least according to this show. Crosshair in season three feels like a shadow of his former self – the combativeness and complex emotional responses that made him so interesting to begin with are gone, replaced with a ham-fisted manifestation of trauma that gets resolved in an equally ham-fisted way.

And I’m just not on board with that. Nor will I ever be. Even if you give me all the supposed emotional payoffs, hugs or whatever.

[allmoshnobrain]

𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐛𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐫

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

part 23 of ? | masterpost

word count: 3319 | ao3 link | fic's playlist

Finally, I spotted him, chilling on a couch in the corner, rocking a beer and a smoke as his serious eyes stared at me. My heart tightened seeing him like that; normally, when he saw me, it meant smiles and a hug. Now, however, he just watched me, his cool blue eyes meeting mine from across the room. I held his gaze for a while, my face turning a bit warm as we looked at each other. Heart skipping a beat, I wondered: was he gonna brush me off? Stand up and bail, pretending I wasn’t even there?

✦ summary: Reuniting with James forces Nore to confront the complicated feelings that arose after their kiss.

✦ on this chapter: dave mustaine x female!oc, james hetfield x female! oc, oc is cliff's cousin, +18, language, slice of life, angst, love triangle, drinking, smoking, recreational drug use

✦ a/n: Hello! I'm finally on Christmas break and have lots of free time, so I'm trying to write as much as I can! I'm really glad I could post this chapter before the end of the year, and I hope it won't take me too long to post the next ones :) We're on the final half of the story, and things will get a bit more intense from now on. So, how do you think James and Nore are gonna deal with their feelings from now on? I'm really excited to write about it! Thank you so much for reading, feedback is welcome and motivates me a lot! ❤

✧ I want to be the girl with the most cake / He only loves those things because he loves to see them break / I fake it so real, I am beyond fake / And someday, you will ache like I ache ✧

It didn't take too long for me to catch up with my friends again. Just a bit over two weeks post-Leanne's birthday bash, Cliff gave me a ring with some exciting news: the band had landed a gig at a renowned venue in Los Angeles, and if the first show drew a good crowd, there was talk of a repeat performance to wrap up the year.

I hadn’t crossed paths with James since he had kissed me; gotta admit, the idea of facing him after all that had happened had me feeling a bit uneasy. But I was hopeful that, when the time came, we could have a conversation about it. I just hoped we could keep our friendship. There were many things I could handle, but losing him for good was not something I was ready for.

The band needed to fill the place, so Cliff asked if I could bring someone along. I ended up inviting Pat, my friend from the record store, to join me at the show. I mean, asking Dave was out of the question; as time went by, he was getting more and more bitter every time Metallica came up. Even though he wasn't thrilled about me going to the show, having a companion seemed to ease his mood a bit. Ever since I came home with a bruised hand from having to defend myself, he seemed to gradually become more protective and concerned every day. I knew he'd rather I not navigate crowded spots alone, especially at a metal show. But, when it came to Metallica, his wounded pride still had the upper hand.

I met up with Pat right outside the record store before the gig, so we could go to the venue together. She greeted me with the biggest smile, her blonde locks and blue eyes all dazzling.

"I'm so stoked!" she exclaimed, practically bouncing with happiness as I handed her the ticket and the backstage pass. "I've never had backstage access before. This is gonna be rad!"

"Yeah, it's cool. But don't expect anything too fancy; we usually just score some drinks and access to the dressing room," I said, throwing out a strained smile. I tried not to let the nerves creep in about seeing James again, but now that showtime was approaching, my anxiety was cranking up by the minute.

"Oh, don't be a buzzkill," she pouted. "You’re in a bad mood today? Aren't you happy to see your friends?"

"Sorry, Pat. I'm just kinda on edge," I replied with a sigh. Despite really liking Pat, I wasn't up for diving into the whole James-kiss situation with anyone. Truth is, I had been mulling over it way more than I'd like. Couldn't wait to clear the air with James once and for all.

We rolled up a bit later to the venue, and there was already a decent line of fans. It always blew my mind how they had just dropped their first album not long ago but were pulling in a hype crowd that was growing by the day. I could sense the West Coast getting too cramped for whatever they were cookin' up. And, like always, no need to wait in line for us; the IDs whisked us straight backstage, where the guys were getting their act together, getting stage-ready, and already a bit toasted.

I couldn't really zone in on the whole scene that kicked off with Lars, Kirk, and Cliff swooping in for the welcome party; drinks were handed out, cigs were fired up, and Lars, as usual, threw in his cheeky comments ('hey, your friend's a total babe!'). But honestly, none of that was grabbing my full attention. My eyes were on a mission, desperately looking for the only person I wanted to see. No matter how much I tried to fool myself, all I cared about was making sure things were cool between James and me.

Finally, I spotted him, chilling on a couch in the corner, rocking a beer and a smoke as his serious eyes stared at me. My heart tightened seeing him like that; normally, when he saw me, it meant smiles and a hug. Now, however, he just watched me, his cool blue eyes meeting mine from across the room. I held his gaze for a while, my face turning a bit warm as we looked at each other. Heart skipping a beat, I wondered: was he gonna brush me off? Stand up and bail, pretending I wasn’t even there?

Instead, he just got up, strolled over, and handed me the beer bottle.

“Want some?” he asked, throwing a faint smile my way. I blinked, kinda surprised. The way he talked, it was like nothing had happened. Like he never had kissed me. Like I never had bolted out of Joe's kitchen, leaving him all alone.

But, hey, wasn’t that exactly what I wanted? For things to be normal again. For us to stick to being friends, no drama.

“Of course. You ever see me turn down a beer?” I replied with a grin. He let out a soft chuckle and handed over the bottle, his cold fingers brushing mine for the briefest fraction of a second before he brought the cig back to his mouth.

Before long, the venue staff gave us the heads up that the show was about to kick off. The guys wrapped up their final checks, and Pat and I joined them, enjoying a beer by the stage. Pat was all hyped about it; even though she didn't know the band, she was really getting into the music, full of the enthusiasm you'd expect from a dedicated fan. As for me, I was a bit more reserved this time. Don't get me wrong, I was always happy to catch up with my friends, but I couldn't ignore how uneasy I felt, especially when I noticed James's glances, splitting his attention between the crowd and shooting looks my way, a silent storm brewing in his blue gaze.

After the concert wrapped up, he handed his guitar over to a puzzled Kirk, not even bothering to look at him. He headed my way, big steps and a bit of annoyance wrinkling his forehead; at that point, I was almost sure he was going to cup my face in his hands and kiss me again. The idea had my face turning hot, my heart racing, and the palms of my hands getting sticky with nervous sweat, recalling the feel of his lips on mine. Instead of that, he just stopped and locked eyes with me for a moment, carefully studying my face before saying:

“So? How was the show?”

“It was awesome! You guys rock, I loved it!” Pat exclaimed, all excited, breaking the momentary electricity that had arisen between us two. James raised an eyebrow, curious, as if just now realizing she was there, and shot me a puzzled look. I just shrugged, wearing a slight smile.

"It was killer, like always," I said with a grin, and he shot one right back at me. There it was — the familiar, genuine smile I'd been missing all night. I couldn’t help but feel relief wash all over me when I saw it.

We wrapped up the night at some random downtown bar. Most of the time, I stuck with Pat since she only knew me there. A couple of beers, a joint, and watching her all hyped up did the trick; I started to unwind, and soon enough, I was enjoying the night with a lightness I hadn't felt in ages. Had a cig between my lips, just chilling and keeping an eye on the guys from a distance. Cliff and Kirk were deep into some serious chat, sharing a joint. Lars and James had found some fans from the show, cracking up and talking loudly while passing around a bottle of vodka.

"Can I ask you something?" Pat threw out. I shifted my gaze from the scene, catching her curious, kinda fuzzy look — probably thanks to a bit of the booze. Before I could even answer, she kept going: "What's the deal with you and James?"

"Me... and James?" I raised my eyebrows, totally caught off guard. She nodded, a little smile playing on her lips. "We're... We're friends."

"And that's it?" She raised an eyebrow, and I furrowed my brow.

"Of course, that's it, Pat! You know I'm dating Dave."

"Yeah, I know. It's just..." She started, letting her eyes wander over to Lars and James before turning back to me with a mischievous grin. "He's quite the looker. Mind if I flirt with him a bit? Just for fun, you know."

I blinked, caught off guard, and then burst into laughter, my face heating up in a mix of surprise and confusion. Out of all the scenarios playing in my head for that night, Pat showing interest in James was definitely not on the list.

“Sure, why not,” I said, and she shot me a smile before strutting in the direction of James and Lars. I watched her go, a little smirk on my face, a tiny pang of envy sneaking into my chest. Maybe life would be more of a breeze if I could summon that kind of confidence in myself so easily.

"So now you're playing matchmaker?" I heard Cliff's familiar voice, and I looked up to meet his brown eyes staring at me. I grinned as he lit a cigarette, handing it to me before popping the top of the beer can he had in his hand. "Are you okay?"

"Never been better. And you?"

"Are you sure?" he raised an eyebrow. "Last time I saw you, you weren't very happy."

"Yeah, felt a bit down after... you know, what happened," I confessed with a sigh. "But I think that's all settled now, isn't it?"

Cliff didn't seem entirely convinced. He took a drag from his cigarette, the smoke billowing out before he reached out to me. I took the cigarette from between his fingers, bringing it to my lips.

"I thought James liked you," he commented, his attentive gaze fixed on my face. I shrugged.

"Maybe he does. But you know I have a boyfriend, Cliff. Maybe it's good for him to be distracted by some other girl for a bit," I said, and Cliff snorted.

"Not even you believe that, Nore."

"What do you mean?"

"What do you think? Are you sure about what you're doing, throwing your friend at him like this? Or will you regret it later?"

"Why would I regret it?" I furrowed my brow, then stared at him defiantly. "I know what I'm doing, okay?"

"If you say so," he shrugged, taking the cigarette back from my hand.

I watched him walk away with a frown, scanning the area for James, my stomach churning uncomfortably when I couldn't find him anywhere.

We bounced out of the bar late at night, still riding high on excitement and energy, a bit too drunk but not giving a damn about it. Lucky for us, the guys were staying at a friend's house nearby, and a quick call to Pat's dad had us sorted for a ride home from their place. I said my goodbyes to the guys and enjoyed the cruise home. Pat, usually a chatterbox, was oddly quiet on the drive. When I nudged her about James, she blushed so hard I couldn't help but crack up.

When I got home, I made a beeline for the shower. The hot water washed away the remnants of the night's boozing, helping me unwind and finally realize how tired I was. I slipped into my PJs, hopping into bed next to a knocked-out Dave.

I let out a soft chuckle when his arms wrapped around me, his lips landing on my neck. It was like he had a sixth sense that woke him up the moment I was back, even from the deepest sleep. Like he just knew I was nearby. How could I think of anyone else when Dave loved me like this?

“Hey,” he mumbled, his voice all sleepy, planting a kiss on my shoulder.

“Hey,” I replied with a smile, turning in bed to face him. I swept his ginger hair away from his face, and he grumbled before pulling me closer, burying his face in my neck.

"Missed you tonight," he murmured, his raspy voice making me shiver in the best way. "Glad you're back."

"Course, I'm back," I whispered, running my fingers through his hair. "We’re not gonna fight tonight, right?"

"Hmm..." he grumbled, his lips making their way up my neck until they met mine. His hands grabbed my waist as he settled on top of me. "No fights... got something else in mind."

I laughed into his kiss, my face warming as he turned up the intensity, making my whole body heat up. In that moment, wrapped up in his arms, I was sure I was loved. I was sure he loved me. And that was, and always would be, enough. 

Or, at least, that's what I told myself.

✧ if you'd like to be tagged on the next parts, let me know and I'll add you to the tag list! ❤ ✧

[sideblogforquery-argh]

People are not using pronouns, using wrong words, but I don’t remind anyone verbally. TW: Su1cide, s3lf h4rm, anorex1a mentions.

TLDR at bottom, I appreciate if anyone reads this or has any advice. Other key points in bold.

I’m sorry this is so long, and I promise this is about nonbinary stuff, but there are Complications, if you will:

1. Autistic doormat. (Professionally diagnosed)

2. Anxious and hates confrontation of any kind.

3. Chronic pain that stops me from going places and doing things.

4. Long history of depression, anxiety, s3lf h4rm, su1cide attempts.

5. Speak in a high pitched voice (not natural, forced again by anxiety of being viewed as competent and mature and not having my limitations taken seriously)

6. Have feminine mannerisms.

7. Have a very slight build and feminine features.

8. I have not had IRL friends for ten years, or online friends for about six.

9. Premenstrual dysphoric disorder.

10. Underweight, low key restrictive eating disorder (I will gladly maintain current weight, but comment on my body, eating habits or try to feed me more and the anorex1a says Hello. Also maintaining low weight to avoid “filling out” as much as possible in breast area.)

I’m 25 and nonbinary. I’ve known I was nonbinary since 2014/2015. I had come out verbally to my mom many years ago, maybe around 2017. Came out to brother via a written sign on my door and then a short verbal confirmation in late spring last year. At my high school graduation last year (age 24) I had my write up read aloud by the principal include “I look forward to being my authentic enby self” and I wore a pronoun pin and necklace. My grandparents were also at the ceremony. I reactivated my Facebook account and posted an artistic image and write up explaining my pronouns, name, etc. I have a variety of pride and pronoun items, pins on my backpack, a They/Them pronoun necklace, a keychain. I usually have some sort of sign declaring my pronouns and sometimes my name on my door. I even attended my local Pride parade and festival last August with my mom. Also since coming out I have explored neopronouns and I like to use Ae/Aer for myself.

Now, as mentioned at the very top, I am a doormat. I hate being bother, I have had huge mental and physical health challenges. I always want to help, to do things, I’ve been trapped at home with no pain free or easy way to go into town. I’ve been alone for a very long time, not attending school, and then trying to do it by myself online. I am also AFAB and I generally don’t present in a “gender non-conforming” matter. (Put in quotes because I am not a girl) Just the other night, there was a talking head on the news who’s name was Tiana* and my mom gleefully exclaimed “her name is Tiana*, she has the same name as you! You almost never hear anyone with the name Tiana*!”

ANYWAYS, to the point, I can never manage to bring myself to verbally remind anyone to use my pronouns. I can’t discuss my dysphoria with anyone, including my counsellor, which has really increased in the last few months. My counsellor had to be told what gender dysphoria is, and he’s trying but I don’t feel comfortable talking to him about it. My PMDD is also not only making my mental health in general really mad, but increasing my gender dysphoria. I have tried birth control for this, and it resulted in a suicide attempt.

I came out a year ago now to the wider family network / world, but it feels like everyone has completely ignored that fact. I came out of the closet, but a new, iron maiden style one has been built around me by anyone and everyone who perceives “me.”

I put “me” is quotation marks because it’s not actually me that anyone is seeing or talking to, it’s the mirage of a past person. I just feel so weak and pathetic, I don’t speak up for myself, I just let it happen. I don’t exist, not according to how I am referred to my people the vast majority of the time. They/them does get used at home frequently, but more often it’s my birth name. I’ve gone through waves of uncomfortable indifference to just feeling really shitty, having an abuse of use of that name, where now I am starting to not feel neutral but dislike it. It’s always, “Tiana* this”, and “it’s in Tiana’s* room,” “I think Tiana* has it, don’t you?”

I just feel hopeless. I don’t see myself ever being able to exist as actually myself. If I can’t remind my family in my safe home to use my pronouns; or that I want to use a different name, OR that (body pain permitting) I’d probably like to have my breasts and nipples removed; how am I supposed to reminded anyone else? The massage therapist, the doctor, the other pain specialist, the orthopaedic surgeon, the counsellor, the psychiatrist, the osteopath, anyone and everyone who I’ve ever met before who just, “she/her’s” and “Tiana*’s” me.

*Tiana is not actually my name, it is used for example purposes only.

TLDR: I have a variety of visual objects and signs that describe my pronouns and nonbinary-ness, but I have almost never reminded anyone verbally to use my pronouns and that I am not a girl. The most I can do is squeak out “they” quietly. How can I actually be brave and speak up for myself for once?

[divinely-ruled]

(yap session incoming. can the "i ain't reading all'at" and "bad listeners" kindly jump out the window for this one ? <3)

Kai, do you crave submission because it reflects your vision of order, or merely a repudiation of the radical freedom that their dissent represents? Does your denial of rebellion come from a terror of the Other's autonomy, and the confrontation of the contingency of your own constructed authority? Does your dominance work as an assertion of your power, or is it a bad faith attempt to deny the inherent plurality of being-for-itself? If submission brings you peace, is it the peace of unity, or the silence of oppression? When faced with rebellion, do you see it as a mirror of your own unchosen absurdity, or do you flinch because their autonomy exposes the emptiness under your authority? Do you sacrifice others' autonomy to affirm your own sense of meaning in a word otherwise devoid of it, or do you do so to avoid facing the fragility of your own loneliness? Is their submission a compulsory condition for your own self-definition, or simply a way to protect yourself from the anxiety of their unrestrained freedom? Basically, are you scared of a thinking mind? Does someone thinking for themselves make you nervous? Does a free mind make you feel out of control? Do you find comfort in the silence, or does the noise of independent thought make you tremble? When people ask questions, do you flinch, or do you simply turn away, pretending you heard nothing? Is someone else's freedom to think a threat to your power, or just a nudge that you've been holding onto empty power all along? — 🎀

Your wordy psychoanalysis is sweet, really. But let me break it down for you: submission isn’t about fear of rebellion or some existential dread of freedom. It’s about intimacy—a connection that’s deeper than all your philosophy-book drivel. Strip away the noise, power, control, what’s left is the truth that I crave—someone who chooses to give themselves fully to me. Not because they’re forced, but because they want to. That’s not fear; that’s strength.

You think I flinch at autonomy? No, I recognize it for what it is: a tool. People have the right to think freely, sure, but too often they squander it on meaningless rebellion or hollow independence. What terrifies you is the idea that someone might willingly surrender that freedom—not out of weakness, but out of trust, loyalty, and purpose. And yes, maybe I have my reasons, but don’t confuse that with cowardice.

The silence you call oppression? Sometimes it’s peace. The unity you call submission? Sometimes it’s love. So, next time you want to psychoanalyze me, try looking a little closer—because I’ve already looked deeper into myself than you ever could.

[borderline-culture-is]

(Long vent that may mot be ordered right or make sense bc im tired rn)

I’m so fucking done with this life tbh. Like from the bottom of my heart. I wish i can kill myself but im too scared. Thats that damn problem though, im still forcing myself to suffer because im a coward, i cant even make ip my mind to end it. I cant get therapy, or any type of medication because my parents dont care enough to notice even tho my symptoms are very bad. and even when i become an adult, id probably not be able to. I have no dreams for the future, i have no money, nothing. ill probably have to live with them for way longer. And im still not going to be able to kms ofc, im going to live very long and THATS THE PROBLEM. I cant fucking tell snyone irl about my mental issues because im too ashamed. In fact, im so fucking embarrassed that i fake a personality everyday to make myself as perfect as possible. Everyone thinks im really nice, kind, and patient. When in fact im really a fucking shitty person who just pretends to be cool and shit. All because im too fucking embarrassed to admit im mentally ill. How could anyone like me for who i actually am?? Hell, I cant even admit im autistic, even though its nothing to be ashamed of. I just know my parents will laugh at me and id rather die than hear it from them

Im at my fucking limits everyday, and im tired all the time even if notbing even happened. I have anxiety attacks weekly for no reason at all, and no one knows. I hate being this good at masking.

I cry in my room all the time, and sometimes i have to force myself to let it out because im so numb. I hate it when im breaking down and my parents are in the kitchen laughing and enjoying themsleves like its just another day.

I feel so apathetic and nihlisitic. I have felt lonely my entire life because i cant relate to anyone. I know people only like the person they see on the surface, not the person i am inside

Ive told many people online about my issues, and i dont know if its not helping much or im too numb to feel any good emotions. But either way, ive realised that it might hurt me too. Im just normalising living this way more because im able to vent to people without actually getting any professional help. And this is just one out of the billions of unhealthy coping mechanisms i have. But i have no other choice. I need to cope somehow because i cant get treatment, and if these mechanisms dont work, i need to try harder and make myself more ill. Its not like i can be fixed anymore, so oh fucking well.

yesterday, my parents confronted me abt how i always looked tired, they asked me if i was being bullied at school. That pissed me off. Why?? Have they ever took the time to realise they maybe theyre the ones causing it?? No, i am not being bullied, and the only reason for that is my good masking skills. Do i need to get bullied to be ill enough? Am i still not bad enough for you to care??

-🌟

.

[crowfeather-quill]

Vent cause I'm upset and exhausted

TW: Abuse, parentification, neglect, trauma

Cat pictures so, hopefully, the actual vent is under a cut :)

I'm really fucking tired of having to act like my mum's parent. I was severely abused for the vast majority of my childhood, and yet she's the one who constantly plays victim and cry's about flashbacks. I get she was also abused, but she was barely ever home, she was a grown adult at the time, and she was completely complicit with my abusers mistreatment of me. She uses her trauma as an excuse to stay in her room /constantly/.

Her only chore to help out around the house is to do the dishes, but I'm lucky if she does it once a week at most. And she never actually finishes the job, she half asses it and leaves half the dishes there still dirty and festering and let's another weeks worth pile up on top of it.

She doesn't see the issue with it because she doesn't ever go in the kitchen cause she locks herself in her room and doesn't ever get food from there. I'm the one that has to deal with the smell of mold and rotting food, has to fight to get space in the sink to clean enough dishes to make a single meal for myself and my little brother.

Then when I try to confront her about it she just complains about how she gets flashbacks when she goes into the kitchen. Like????

Out of the two of us I'm the one who actually has a legitimate reason not to go into the kitchen. I'm the one who was forced to do all the cleaning and chores for a family of four when I was a literal child. I was the one who was screamed at and berated and beat over any miniscule mistake while I stood and sobbed over the sink. I'm the one who has an anxiety attack whenever someone so much as steps foot into the kitchen while I'm in there.

I get my mum has her own issues but that does not give her the right to stop being an adult, to stop being a mother. I don't care about her anymore, I don't love her anymore, I don't expect her to actually be a mom for me anymore, but at the very least she needs to act like a god damn adult. If not for me than at least for my brother, who doesn't deserve to lose her to her selfishness like I did.

[chaoticgood-munson]

🎵💿 discography tag 💿🎵

Rules: pick an artist or a band and share your favorite song from each of their albums, then tag some mutuals!

thank you for the tag @princess-josephina!

No pressure tag: @mybffjoe @ghostinthebackofyourhead @icallhimjoey @pinkrelish @word-wytch @choke-me-joey

Artist: Twenty One Pilots

This band has been there for me in a lot of ways

Album: Self Titled - Taxi Cab

This album is heavy with religious theme due to Tyler (the singer and song writer of the band) struggling with his faith in his life when he was younger. I'm not a very religious person and don't interpret this song that way for myself. It makes me think about going off on your own for the first time and dealing with the crippling anxiety of it all.

Album: Regional at Best - Kitchen Sink

When I first heard this song it made me quite emotional because I felt seen. The lyrics that really get me are "nobody thinks what I think" because, growing up, it was incredibly frustrating to me when my family would force words into my mouth as if they understood what I was thinking. Especially when I later opened up to them about my depression. It later felt like they would try to relate and make it about themselves rather than helping me. But then the final lines "Leave me alone, don't leave me alone" is what does me in because I started to push them away and not ask for help but, fuck, I didn't want to be alone in what I was going through.

Album: Vessel - Migraine

I started not to feel so alone when I first heard this album. If you haven't listened to it, please do. I have seen this band live 6 times now and every time they play this song, Tyler yells to the crowd "Is anybody out there?!" but that's besides the point of why it's my favorite. My favorite line from the song is "But I know we've made it this far, kid." and that gives me the motivation to keep going. I've made it through 26 years of life, why not live through more?

Album: Blurryface - Not Today

This song is about confronting your demons, your insecurities, your depression. When that monster tells you, "Not today", you push that aside and prove them wrong. This entire album is about taking that demon face on, fighting them, and winning.

Album: Trench - The Hype

I love this song a lot. It's hopeful. It makes me think of the people I hold so near and dear to my heart, especially with the lyrics "Nice to know my kind will be on my side, I don't believe the hype" but it's spoken from a younger version of yourself. And so it makes me think of the friends I lost but also about the journey I've been stumbling through to get to the point I am at. "No I don't know which way I'm going, but I can hear my way around."

Album: Scaled And Icy - Mulberry Street

I've talked about this song before in a previous post a while ago, but I will talk about it here. This album means everything to me. Along with the band, this album had essentially saved my life. But this song is all about acceptance in your struggles and not letting them weigh you down. I love a lot of lines in this song, but the one I love the most is "Keep your pills, save your breath, and don't ever forget"

I know this was a lot. For those that end up doing this, please don't feel like you have to put in the effort as I did. Music just means a lot to me and I love telling people about the things that make me happy

[the-ladyrae]

Honestly, I just started directly asking my friends. It wasn't easy, but it helped a little.

I used to just get that feeling and start to over correct whatever behavior I projected the perceived negative emotions were directed at.

I remember there was one time specifically where I literally stopped texting my best friend, stopped asking to hang out, did cancel our 6 years running new years tradition, and tried to not go to his birthday. Because I convinced myself he was mad at me for being too clingy. We went to colleges 2 hours apart, and I told myself he made new friends in the 4 years since we'd graduated high school and moved apart for college. Better friends that wouldn't drag him down the way I do. That he's just being nice still dragging me around, but clearly, it's only out of pity.

I built this full narrative in my head that my best friend not only was mad at me but fully no longer loved me. That I was nothing more than an inconvenience to him that he only still speaks to out of obligation. So I stopped initiating contact as much as I could, I started replying shorter and directly to the point if I responded at all. The more distance I created, the more I used that distance to validate my assumptions:

1). It can't all be in my head I see it clear as day we lost our snap streak and aren't each other's number 1 best friend anymore (I had intentionally watched the streak expire because I was overwhelmed by the responsibility of keeping it, and assumed he must be as well so I set a rule about never allowing the streak to go past the initiative 3 day notification)

2). He missed New years. Why would he agree to skip our tradition (it was Dec. 2020-Jan. 2021, and I canceled citing pandemic reasons and suggested we do a zoom PowerPoint night instead... and then I torpedoed the zoom gathering because I thought it was too desperate and pathetic to demand time he could be spending with his wife, especially when we aren't actually seeing each other in person)

All of that just kind of came to a head on his birthday. He'd sent me the invite, I confirmed 3 times that he actually wanted me there. I was in one of the worst depressive lows of my life because I was also giving all of my other friends, family, and my girlfriend at the time the avoidance treatment.

I really needed to see my friend.

I wanted to see my friend, even if that little voice in the back of my head was telling me that this would be the last birthday we spend together. That he's just trying to let me down easy. I still went.

Nearly first thing, he asked me how I'm doing, and confronted me about being so distant for the past few months.

I broke down sobbing and told the truth. That I figured he hated me now that he has new friends and I only serve as an inconvenience in his life. He let me cry, let me explain my logic and reasoning, and waited for me to fully vent my frustrations before responding.

Then he gave me a hug and said he was sorry that I felt like I had to go through that alone. He didn't deny any of my points or get angry with me for assuming, just said, "I hate it when your brain does that, but I could never hate you." He asked if I was taking my medication regularly, I wasn't. He asked why I wasn't taking them, I was in a creative major in college and I couldn't make my brain work through the pills to a degree that would give me a satisfying result on any of my class projects. He helped me write down some symptom notes and make an appointment with my psychiatrist to rebalance my meds. He told me that he was glad to have me in his life, that he loves me, and that he'll do a better job of checking in.

This entire exchange took less than 20 minutes, and I doubt he even remembers it. The fears I had been building up for months like a snowball rolling down a mountain, stopped and melted by a single external force.

And the anxiety didn't go away immediately once the fear was gone, but he followed through. For the next 2 months if we went more than a couple days without talking I'd get a : "How are you doing?", "Mandatory mental health update time. How you doing?", "Proof of life?" Text to keep me from spiraling too far again.

I've, in the last year, stopped taking my medication intentionally. It was just a never-ending cycle of symptom management, and a lot of the trials made things worse. I may return in the future, but for now, I'm trying to get to know my mental landscape as a fully developed adult without the pharmaceutical intervention. The manic weeks still happen. The depression weeks happen more. The anxiety remains an ever present all consuming white noise in the background of both. But if I get the idea in my head that a friend is mad at me, I ask them immediately and directly: "Are you mad at me?" Most times, the answer is no, and they validate my feelings, explain their behavior or situation, and we move on. Sometimes, the answer is yes, and we now have an open dialog to resolve the issue. Regardless, I now rarely wind up alienating myself from my support system simply because I'm in a mental state where I need support.

Nurodivergence is more than just ADHD and Autism. And Bipolar is more than just the happy sads disorder.

lmfao

[kaycode1999]

Hello! Could I ask you for a BNHA and KNY match-up? No worries if not and thank you for your time, regardless! ♥️

She/they, fem-aligned non-binary and aroace-spec but I'm sending this for fun, anyway, so any gender is fine. I'm also 23.

Let's see... I'm not the most emotive person—unfortunately cursed with mild RBF and a monotone voice—but I feel my emotions at a normal level. I get people assuming I'm upset or intimidating because of this. I come off friendlier over text sometimes—because it's easier to spam exclamation points and smiley faces—but a lot of that is cancelled out by using punctuation and not a lot of emojis. I'm trying so hard to match people's energy... fighting for my life... in the trenches, even. I've had people being genuinely surprised that I'm being nice to them, when I'd never realized I'd given them that impression.

I am accidentally a cryptid, also? I keep having people tell me they know nothing about me, when I just... thought a lot of stuff wasn't worth mentioning... or they straight up never asked.

...Which is a really funny thing to say, when I'm giving you a questionably comprehensive summary of my personality...

I have a mostly (but not entirely) dry sense of humor. A lot of people tend to not realize I'm joking, or just don't find it very funny. I guess we're even, though, since I don't tend to find many people funny, either. I find a lot of memes annoying, actually (<- person who still quotes Vines and giggled at a clip of a piece of bread falling over. I have ZERO room to be a killjoy, do NOT listen to me in matters of comedy, I'm a bitch with NO TASTE).

I'm just... a little bit of a hater... We've all got our flaws. 💔

I'm very protective of people, sometimes to a suffocating degree. I can't protect people physically or in confrontation or anything, but I'm always trying to push people in what I think is the right direction; I also have a tendency to give unsolicited advice. I've been called both helpful and meddling. I have a chronic case of "I can fix them"-ism, I fear. I overall care about people and love helping, but I struggle with empathy, and that makes it hard for me to know when I'm overstepping or when my help comes off as criticism. I also don't tend to feel very close to people. Not in a sad way—it's not impossible or anything—it's just hard.

I'm pretty panicky and anxious—neurotic, at times, even. Some of that comes from trying to look out for others, some of that is just plain anxiety. Not socially anxious, though, if I know what to say and who to say it to, I get by fine. Part of that anxiety does manifest as being a very self-sufficient person. I don't want to say that I "don't need" people, but I do think I do better with more alone time than others. I also don't particularly enjoy relying on others, in a mixture of not wanting to bother them and, admittedly, not believing they could really help, anyway. I'm not a perfectionist, but I've been described as such. I also have a skill for panicking myself into health scares—which is to say, I hope whoever you match me with likes paying for tests.

I don't do well with physical affection (there is no reason for anyone's saliva to be in MY mouth or anywhere on me, no matter how hypothetical, thank you....), and verbal affection is usually forced for me. I also hate PDA, I prefer to show love in smaller, less dramatic ways. If I had to assign myself a language, it would probably be acts of service. I express my love for my family by doing chores, for example.

Doing the dishes is my love language, basically. /j 🫡

I don't have a type, per se, but I'd like to be appreciated. Not, like, worshipped for being vaguely nice or anything—I don't really like being praised—but just not taken for granted. It's very easy for me to feel like I do a lot for people for nothing in return.

I'm also autistic and ADHD. I think that's kind of important.

- ⏳

Demon Slayer

I match you with

Iguro Obanai

MHA

I match you with

Dabi/ Touya Todoroki

Neither of them are the most emotive either and tend to be more monotone

Iguro feels his emotions at more of a normal level than Dabi, but still less than you, your emotions are more stable or at a more normal level than them. I think it leads to them evening out more even if just a tiny bit so than they aren’t as emotionally charged

They don’t think anything about your RBF or monotone voice. They have it themselves , and they certainly aren’t intimidated by it or think you’re upset

They aren’t the nicest people themselves so they don’t particularly care if you give people the wrong impression sometimes/don’t come across how you would like

They don’t mind if you’re mysterious or whatever, there’s plenty of things about them that they forget to bring up or purposely don’t discuss. They actually find it kind of amusing and interesting whenever they get a chance to find something out about you

I actually think they find your sense of humor hilarious

They are also haters at least a little bit😂. You can have gossip sessions just being haters together

They’ve both been through a lot so I think someone caring about them and being protective would be a nice thing for them

I think most of the time they find your pushing them in the right direction/ life advice endearing, but there are times too when they will not be in the mood

They come to understand you well enough to realize that you mean well and want to help others. They find that very sweet and understand why you might do or say things that way

They both also struggle with feeling close to people because of the trauma they’ve both endured

They both understand anxiety well and you both try to help the other through it

They both appreciate that you are just as independent as they are. You both enjoy spending time together but also enjoy time to yourself as well

I like to think they both get to know you well enough to know how to calm you down if you start panicking. However, if they can’t Obanai will definitely have Shinobu check you out and Dabi knows some underground clinics he can take you to

Neither of them are big into physical affection. Trauma and scars, so yeah. They’d much prefer acts of service

They aren’t good with words of affirmation either so you don’t have to force yourself on that

[quintential]

dialogue with the self

FIX YOURSELF

I'm tired of listening to myself talk. so, I'm going to do this new thing where I talk and my computer makes it into written words. this takes up less space on my computer, and maybe will give me a new outlook on what I write.

 I keep a record of a lot of things. mainly, how I'm doing in any given situation. I like to keep a journal of my brain, in a way, and this manifests in many many videos of myself, and diary entries, in a myriad of places both digital and on paper. but what's the point?

 let me preface this by giving you a view into my life at the moment. I have reached a period of stagnation. I feel sad, and depressed. I have very little motivation to do anything at all, I feel melancholic, generally unattached to the world.

 all I want to do is curl into myself. I live in the most beautiful place in the world, San francisco, and I'm still sad.

 this is a very upsetting discovery to make. no matter where I go, I can feel sad anywhere. I sustain off the natural high of being in a new place, using the anxiety to propel me and move me forward. once it rubs off, I'm left with my own thoughts.

 yesterday, december 5th, I found myself feeling entirely stupidly bored. I recognize that there are things I would like to change in my life. I've recently quit cigarettes, about a week ago. this is good, but I've had a cold since I've quit and have not noticed the difference in my lung capacity yet- probably because I'm still smoking copious amounts of marijuana. I've been getting sick at least once a month this whole year, pretty much. I'm forced to sit down and be with my body, and recognize that it's trying to tell me something.

 so what do I need to change? well, I realized that I am incredibly addicted to and dependent on weed. I smoke weed, or adjust it in some kind of way every single day. the weed supports one of my other biggest bad habits, which is overeating. they go hand in hand. the loss of self-control that weed brings  pacifies my self-hatred and allows me to indulge in one of my favorite coping mechanisms, which is eating until I cannot move. The judgment rod is spared until later, the shame i will not have to confront until i wake up and look at my stomach in the mirror the next morning. I always look at my stomach in the morning.

 I also need more friends.  I do not thrive in my comfort zone.  to grow, actually- to function at all- I must be out of my comfort zone. because my comfort zone is what I'm doing right now. it's being alone, in my room, and my bed, depressed, eating, and watching nonsensical things to keep my brain from thinking too hard.

 I know what I need. at this point of my life I have watched myself go through a cycle, this pattern so many times that I feel pretty aware of what's going on inside of me. I know what to fix, I know what's holding me back, but at the same time I am so incredibly blind. Because even though I know what I need to do, I do not want to change. being high feels so good. being alone feels so safe. but I have my longings.  if I try to actualize my longings, it will be good for me, but it will also lead to exhaustion and inevitable hurt. I don't feel very resilient.

 I don't really have much else to say. I think I've talked myself into circles. I'm done. 

Why is the sad so there? why does life feel so heavy? what am I doing wrong? I know you're supposed to just keep getting hurt, and get up again, and hurt others, and get up again, and keep getting hurt, and get up again

 when will it end? Am i suicidal?  do I mumble? I want to join a cult.  I want to be safe. I've tried to quit weed before and I’ve failed. I know it's more complicated than this, but it feels like it's already too late for me. talking about this makes me want to run away. makes me want to book a ticket to india, travel anywhere really, try and forget. but I can't do that. I have to stay here. I don't get to always run away. be better. Be strong. Learn from your mistakes. It’s ok to rest. I think.

[veroisveryblue]

Imma just write on here bc I don’t really have anyone lol

But damn, this year has put me through IT and it’s not even done yet. My car got totaled in the beginning of the year and that caused me to cancel the San Fran birthday trip I had planned for my pookie cause he had never been there. To top that off, my insurance didn’t wanna cover shit so I had to spend a few months (5mos) going back and forth with my lienholder & the new insurance provided by my lienholder in order to work something out and pay off most of my car. Fast forward to now, I only need a few hundred dollars to pay off because we were able to work something out. So yay!

While all that car shit was happening I also finally let go of a weird (kinda toxic?) friendship. I finally took accountability that I was enabling weird behavior (she would stalk male kpop idols whenever they came to LA cause she wouldn’t do this with the females) and told her I couldn’t be friends with her anymore because her behavior was making it really hard. At first she would just drive around hoping to bump into kpop celebrities but somewhere down the line she started staying at hotel entrances & exits. It was really messy bc I told our mutual friends (who also like kpop) she was basically a stalker and when she found out she tried to say that I was lying or something. Like damn no accountability or self awareness? Ok.. but anyway. The whole time this was going down I had really bad anxiety to the point where I was throwing up, shaking, having cold sweats & the Hershey squirts. I wish I was fucking joking. Mainly bc I never stand up for myself or call anyone out, I hate confrontation and hate seeming like the bad guy but it felt wrong to just keep her predatory behavior a secret. Besides this, she was really inconsiderate about my disability & was constantly trying to force me to do things I didn’t want to or couldn’t do.. but that’s a whole other story for another day.

I also got in a huge fight with my mom on my bday, yes on my BDAY u heard that right, bc ya know parents can be big jerks and as the eldest daughter I always get the shit end of the stick :-)

Now mind you, as mentioned, while ALL this is going on I also had to worry about my chronic pain and disability with my RA. 🤗 YAY!!!! (Sarcasm)

Right now im dealing with the aftermath of gaining all my weight back (250 to 231 back to 250.. rn I’m 237) which means my RA is acting up. I’m in constant pain and I’m trying everything to feel a least a little normal. I’ve been living off pain pills bc nothing natural is working. The pain has gone down a little but still there. I’m trying my absolute best so hopefully I can get right by the end of the year.

I’m hoping for these next few months to be better and I know they will. I know damn sure imma try to have a good rest of the year. I’m not giving up on myself or this life. I will try to make it beautiful.

[cyber-viper]

Hi there, I'd like to request a romantic MHA matchup please. My birthday is 09/30

My hobbies include writing short stories, comics, poetry ECT, drawing, watercolor, sketching, painting, anything that gives me creative expression really.

My habits include picking at the skin on my lips, underneath my fingernails, running my fingers through my hair, and cracking my knuckles/neck I usually do this when bored, or anxious.

I would describe myself as someone who's quiet, and keeps to themselves around strangers, but can be very talkative, and excited around close friends. I don't like confrontation, and am actually kind of scared of it, so I do all that I can to avoid it. I care deeply about my friends, and those close to me, I'm not the greatest with words though, so I may show them via small gifts, physical touch, or spending time with them.

My Red flags in a partner is someone is confrontational/forceful about just everything, controlling of everything that I or other people say/do, someone who brushes my interests, feelings, or problems off like they aren't important, being called/viewed as childish, someone who constantly oversteps boundaries, and being insulted and then being told that is was a "joke" or a "compliment" when it clearly wasn't.

My Green flags in a partner is someone who will listen to rant about my hobbies even if they don't fully understand, someone who likes rodents, and reptiles instead of thinking they're gross, Someone who is laid-back, and easy to speak with/be around, someone who makes sure I'm okay before doing anything, and someone who I can quiet around whenever needed.

My red flags are being quiet/distant for days when under stress instead of asking for help, shutting down when in fear/stress, avoidant of most problems, and it takes me a long time to remember names, and dates.

My green flags are being affectionate with close friends/partner so long as they're okay with it, giving small gifts i.e. handmade jewellery, poems, paintings, soft spot for small animals, and good with kids.

@dummyandchubby i match you with Fumikage Tokoyami!

Loves to hear your poetry or read your short stories and would hang up anything you drew/painted for him

Is attentive and would notice if you picked at your lips or fingers and try to calm your anxiety

Is also quiet and likes to keep to himself and close friends, but would love to hear and see you get excited and animated as it shows how close you are

Loves spending time together and would treasure the little gifts he gets from you, adding to the collection of stuff in his room

Is patient and caring to help you overcome your fear of confrontation in important things but brave and responsible enough to keep you safe from dangerous/disrespectful  confrontation

Very mature and caring about you and loves listening to you explain your interests to him

Would love quiet nights in with his partner and just relaxing in quiet in each others presence

Would check in on you if you isolate or shut down when stressed, maybe offer you to hang in someone's room independently so he can support you while giving you space

A/N: So sorry for the late post but I hope you enjoy your match up! If you are dissatisfied or need clarification for anything I wrote please let me know. Thank you so much for your request!

[jeankirsteinsgrlfrnd]

Lmaoo yeah, sometimes I have that indecisive tendency too? Like rn, I'm thinking about whether I should pursue a master's degree or work lol. My three signs are taurus sun, libra rising, and virgo moon. So I'm basically the chill gal who enjoys the finer things in life and procrastinates a lot with anxiety on the inside 🥲 I also can't force myself to socialize if I'm not mentally prepared, even though I try my best to remain polite. I hate conflicts and arguments :(

How's it like being a Capricorn rising? I have Capricorn in the 4th house so I can be more strict and stern in private lol

i agree w hating conflicts and arguments. it’s the worst, i hate confrontation. honestly, idk too much about astrology- i used to be really into it but now i’m just meh. i don’t know how being a capricorn rising affects me but let me do some googling

ok googling done, so a lot of the traits of a cap rising is being very focused, hardworking, determined, reliable, ambitious. i don’t agree with any of those things but it’s possible it’s true and i just don’t see it. on another note, i’m very calm & i like to think emotionally intelligent which i also saw on google. i’m like, incredibly calm on the outside always. idk how else to explain it

[vizybs]

//vent

Yknow i kinda think im a bad person whenever i look back on how i ended it with her, how i just like slowly distanced without telling her why but then I remember how she wrote on the public padlet on how we grew apart as friends (at this point i was still talking to her) and im just shocked a bit

Because like every year ive known her i put my everything into our friendship, im always making sure she isnt sad that shes having a good time that she isn’t lonely that she feels special that her feelings are heard that she isnt this this or that and it isnt my responsibility. She never asked me to do those things but you kinda know you have to, but she didnt do those things for me and its just

I dunno, im not mad anymore but im just in like, disbelief, because the moment i stopped putting my all into her suddenly we grew apart and its not like at the time i was suddenly no contact with her, hell i even sat next to her everyday. But the moment i let myself chill and stop giving her 100% suddenly its too much? We arent close?

I guess i just realized that maybe i was putting in so much work while she never really felt like she had to for me. I dunno. Still messed me up sitting down and reading that message right beside her on how we drifted like hello? Im right here you can talk to me?? I was waiting for maybe some kind of lets talk so we could get back on track and stop being so stilted around eachother this was so roundabout and so entirely like, avoidant to pointing at the matter at hand i was just angry and ignored it all.

Theres a thing i realized about how i used to accommodate my friends alot and how it kinda just messed me up? If i put a 100% into you and you dont give me some energy back it was like are we really friends? Its gave me a lot of anxiety issues about friends which is hilarious because now its like people ask me to do stuff w them like hang out and im just like woahhh what the fuuckk when its completely normal its actually driving me insane

Im glad im done playing that game of are we friends or not with her because it has done wonders for my self esteem and confidence.

I have a lot of friends now, i guess putting yourself out there instead of focusing people who seem to only care about you because theyve got no one else who talks to them is awesome and i will continue because i like friends who like me when i do what makes me happy and arent afraid of doing something embarrassing 24/7

i feel kinda guilty because its like ‘wow did i just abandon her for like other ppl’ then i think about how miserable i was trying to people please her all the time just to feel like we were sorta maybe friends and how she made me feel like she was embarrassed to be around me and that all goes away

Im not sure what to say, its wrong to abandon people close to you but it was draining the hell put of me trying to humble myself to fit into her kinda self deprecating choice of life

It’s unfortunate, she really is sweet but she makes me feel like im tired and all i want to do is shut up around her but i always had to keep talking because someone had to try right?

Shes not a bad person, i think that if we recently became friends i would love her. But theres so much history and it still felt like we walked around eachother, it always felt like i had to be careful around her it was uncomfortable. And shes different, very different, its something else.

People grow and change but shes so shy and cautious it makes me feel so wary, especially when she used to be so outgoing and confrontational. Its like shes a new person, i dont know how to feel.

Shes a good person, maybe not so much good for me but ill still wish her luck on future friendships. We arent friends anymore, we dont say hi in hallways or sit together in awkward forced silence and its just how it is.

I think im good now though, like the guilt isnt as bad.

[bylightofdawn]

WIP SUNDAY

Ya'll I really wanted to just post the entire confrontation scene with Slick. Or Cody and Rex's reunion, or even the bits about Cody tying at the mention of the infamous recruitment poster.

THERE IS SO MANY THINGS I WANTED TO SHARE FROM THIS CHAPTER. Holy fuck.

I settled on this one. Takes place after the shitshow of Rex finding out Slick is alive and has been unknowingly part of his clone rescue operation due to the splintered and highly compartmentalized nature of their network.

It's super rough as always. I am not kidding when I say out of this 22,000K word fic (seriously, El?? Like really control yourself woman) it has 999+ suggestions. It's actually giving me anxiety thinking about having to edit this.

EDIT: I also had a minor heart-attack because I'd opened a new focus document so I could try and fix this up a little bit and it replaced my existing doc and I COULD NOT FIND IT. And my backup file in google docs only has the first 15 pages? Like I've been regularly copy/pasting I thought but it was like troll lol lol lol no.

I was able to recover it but ya'll. I would have been devastated if I lost all that time and work. Like I would left the internet for another two years level of devastated. orz. Okay, maybe not that extreme but it would have been ugly.

Outside, the heat was still unbearable, but at least the suns mainly had set now, so the chances of anyone recognizing them outright were relatively slim.

Because his treacherous sense of balance and knees didn’t feel like they were up for any extended walking, Cody indicated a crumbling mudbrick as a place to cop a squat, and they made their way towards it.

“I don’t understand; you sound like you were defending him back there, Codes. Slick? You remember what he did, don’t you?”

He supposed it was a valid concern concerning the recent biochip he’d had in his head.

It didn’t mean it didn’t rankle all the same.

“Of course I remember what he did. I wanted to shoot him myself when I first saw him. Or I would have if I hadn’t been on the brink of karking death.”

The concern seemed to win out over outrage. “What? What happened to you, Cody?”

“I deserted, but I didn’t have a good plan in place, and it bit me in the ass. I didn’t realize how hard it would be to get off of Coruscant if you’re a rogue clone. I thought I could raise the credits and find a way of buying my way off the planet. But with these new chain codes, I couldn’t find legal work. Not to mention they have bounty hunters and entire gangs that roam around hunting for clone deserters. So I had to keep going deeper and deeper until I was in the lowest of the low places. I ended up in a camp built by other unhoused illegals. It was hell, Rex.” Cody confessed softly, and he distantly felt his brother sling his arm around his shoulder in a comforting manner.

The movement jostled his wounded arm, which meant the good pain meds were wearing off but also suggested he’d probably be able to stand up straight and run if he needed to, so he’d take the tradeoff.

“I took what work I could, which, let me tell you? None of the awful jobs we had in the GAR could compare. This was stuff so vile and noxious or too dangerous they didn’t even want to risk the cost of repairing droids to accomplish it. It was pure, predatory exploitation of the most vulnerable residents of the planet. And there are entire cottage industries around it.”

The anger that kindled in his heart when he spoke of that was white hot and fueled with still real memories of what he’d been forced to do to survive.

“And, of course, the pay was a complete joke. I could have worked the rest of my unnaturally accelerated life and wouldn’t have been able to save up enough to book passage off that planet. Then I got injured, and it’s not like I could walk into a med-clinic asking for treatment. So it got infected and finally got so bad that I legitimately traded away every credit I’d scrapped together to buy a bacta tube older than we are. I’m not being hyperbolic when I say I was on the brink of death when Slick found me.”

“Where did you get wounded?” Rex’s protective little brother instincts reared their ugly head, and it was only then that he seemed to notice the blood that soaked through the bandages and the sleeve of his arm. “What the hell Cody?!”

“Relax, I probably just popped a stitch or something. Sy will prolly complain about me ruining her beautiful work or some osik, but it can wait a bit. This is more important.”

The look Rex shot him was unfriendly and patented Captain Rex’s judgment.

“So out of the top five list of people I least expected to show up coming to my rescue was Slick. Right up there with Darth-kriffing-Vader and the vaping Emperor. Not going to lie, vod. He got the drop on me, too; I was sitting there in the garbage and refuse, trying to pull the rags. I laughingly called my shirt, and there Slick was standing over me with a blaster in my face. I thought I was a goner right then and there. Stars know if our situations had been reversed, I wouldn’t have hesitated to put a blaster bolt in his head.”

“Exactly!” Rex huffed.

“And I would have been wrong. He ended up stunning me, taking me back to his ship, and saving my karking life. He gave me medical treatment to keep me from losing my arm or worse and then told me how he was working on smuggling brothers off of Coruscant. He talked about how Howzer and his team saved him and gave him a new purpose. He’s made it his purpose to save as many brothers as possible, and I believe him.”

Rex immediately scoffed at the concept, unwilling to even contemplate that Slick had anything but ulterior motives in mind.

“Think about it. What was the reason he gave us all those years ago for why he betrayed the GAR? He wanted to save as many brothers as possible by cutting the war as short as possible. It was a completely idiotic plan and utter nonsense, but I believe he believed that even now.”

“It doesn’t forgive what he did, Cody.”

“It doesn’t, but everyone deserves redemption. And after three years of rotting in a jail cell, can you say anyone else will understand what our brothers still trapped behind enemy lines are going through?”

“Doesn’t matter; I wouldn’t trust that quacta as far as I could throw him with one finger.”

“I understand that. Allow him to prove you wrong.” An idea that was so wild and radical came to him that he barely dared utter it aloud. “I want to help you with this operation. What you’re doing here is…it’s everything. And I want in. Put Slick under my command, and if he proves to be a traitor, I’ll shoot him myself.”

The questioning look Rex shot him spoke volumes. “Can I trust your judgment on that?”

Cody shot him an exasperated look in return. “Of course, you can. I haven’t forgiven him myself, and I don’t know if I will ever be in a place where I can. But I understand his need to do something. To save as many of our brothers as he can. It’s a chance at redemption for him, and let’s be honest with ourselves. We all have things we want to make amends for. Mistakes we wish we could unmake and people we couldn’t save.”

It didn’t take a graduate in psychology degree to know who Cody was talking about, and Rex just leaned his head against his brother’s with a quiet sigh.

“I couldn’t save Skywalker or Amidala, or Jesse…Kix…Fives. I get it. I hope you’re not setting yourself up for disappointment, vod.”

“If I am, it wouldn’t be the first or last time. Now…tell me about Ahsoka? You managed to get her out?”

Rex sighed and quietly told the painful story of what had happened on the Tribunal and everything that had happened from there. How’d he’d painstakingly build up his network of clones trying to save clones. How he’d heard whispers of a network doing the same thing for Jedi.

That knowledge had Cody’s heart leaping in his throat.

They talked for a while, catching up on what felt like years of missing time when in reality it had barely been a year.

Eventually got interrupted, not by one of the others but by an Eopie whose paddock fence they were seated on made its presence known by nuzzling at the top of Cody’s hair and lipping at his curls in an exploratory manner that didn’t bode well for his continued possession of said hair.

He pulled away with a laughing grimace. “I think it’s trying to eat my hair.”

Rex laughed uproariously at the mental picture. “I mean, you’re not exactly the picture of regulation anything right now, ori’vod. Come on, lets go join the others.”

“Can I trust you to not try and shoot Slick?”

“I won’t shoot him so long as he doesn’t do anything shifty. That’s the best you’re gonna get out of me. And I still think you’re nuts wanting to take him on but if it means we get you as an asset, I’d be a damned fool to look a gift bantha in the mouth.”