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fandomfaeofveryfewf4cks · 1 year ago

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Long post. Fic under the dotted line. Or: ao3: What we are left with

Before the actual fic, here is a long post about why I wrote this fic. Disclaimer: heavy themes of grief.

I know this is a few days late, but I wanted to write something for the 15th Anniversary of the Merlin pilot episode, and it ended up needing a lot more time to get done than I thought.

I shouldn't be surprised though. Aside from most of my writings ending up longer than intended, Merlin is a show that's always meant a lot to me.

It was my introduction to the fandom world, for starters. Merthur was my first OTP and continues to be a favorite of mine. Katie McGrath was my first celebrity crush. There are Merlin fanfics and fanart that have touched my heart in a way not a lot of things have. (See my username). Fandom communities, in turn, helped me feel less alone, especially in a time where loneliness was weighing very heavily on me.

Merlin is also just magic, and capes, and swordfighting, and pretty dresses. Horseriding, dragons, unicorns, curses, poisons, plots, schemes, saving the day, and shenanigans.

Merlin is heartbreak, love, betrayal, violence, peace, oppression, secrets, friendship, hope, and bonds that can not be broken by death and tragedy. Bonds that will not fade in a thousand years.

My brother introduced me to Merlin when I was very young and I fell in love with it instantly. Partially because it meant more time spent with said brother. Episode three scared the shit out of me though, for some reason, and it would be a couple years before I started watching it again. Coincidentally, I started watching it again sometime around when my brother died. So, you can see how that adds a whole other layer of importance to this show for me, not to get too personal.

But, again, I shouldn't be surprised because everything about this show does ultimately feel personal to me. It's why I haven't done much writing or anything with it. I know I just won't really be able to stop. (Hence, how long this post is.)

Nonetheless, I wanted to write something for it. I debated doing a more merthur-based thing, but I ended up doing something mainly centered around Gwen's perspective in the first couple months after Arthur died. The first part is mainly about her. The second part... well, I can't let myself even think about all the grief this show's characters go through without getting dragged into Merlin's grief specifically. I'm not entirely sure why, though I have my theories.

Either way, the second half is more about a healing Gwen trying to help Merlin start healing as well. This is not a happy fic. This is not meant to be an angsty fic. It's really not meant to be anything other than self-indulgent for me. I'm probably subconsciously trying to help myself work through some of my own shit and, you know.. I'm tempted to maybe think that that's okay. I don't talk about grief enough, really.

Sometimes, I've felt like I was faking my grief and didn't deserve to be included in the group of people with "real" grief because I obviously wouldn't know what I was talking about.

I've felt like a ticking time bomb holding in all of my emotions, terrified of the day they explode and possibly hurt whoever is nearby.

I've cried and done everything I could to hide it, screamed with nobody around to hear it, and lied about being fine to people I Never want to lie to.

Merlin tried not to cry around people. Merlin screamed when no one was around to hear it. Merlin lied about being fine to people he Never wanted to lie to.

So did many other characters in Merlin.

I find so many of the characters in Merlin to be beyond relatable. I can scarcely find it funny.

I can't fully explain everything this show has done for me. I can explain that:

It starts with a young warlock making a journey to a place where no one knows him, and he quickly learns it's safer if no one ever knows him fully.

He makes friends anyway, including one who will fundamentally change everything Merlin knows about himself just by existing.

Merlin makes mistakes with consequences.

Everyone makes mistakes with consequences.

The show ends with multiple tragic deaths, a kingdom that is heartbroken (but moves on as they must), and an old warlock, who has spent hundreds of lifetimes being older than he looks and depressed, and who has spent barely a fraction of one lifetime being young and hopeful.

Merlin loses everyone he cares about, and yet, he still has hope. He still lives for Arthur. Now, I'm not expecting anyone to come back from the dead anytime soon. I don't think it's a good idea to want such a thing in real life, either. But if Merlin can hope and live after 1000+ years of loneliness and grief, then how can I not think it's possible for me to get through my equivalents of all that shit?

Oh, and don't get me started on the LGBTQ+ subtext and "magic users are oppressed and have to hide who they are to survive" comparison. That hit me like a goddam freight train even harder than realizing I liked Morgana before AND after she became evil.

Anyway, there's a fic if you want to read it. There's angst, Gwen POV, and everyone trying to get Merlin to eat something and go outside to prevent him developing a resistance to sunlight or something.

Enjoy...?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .

"What we are left with" or "A Love Letter to the Adventures of Merlin BBC"

The king is dead.

Arthur is dead.

Gwenevere sits on the throne as people ask her about all the things that need to be done in the kingdom. Camelot is under her rule... and her rule alone.

Plenty of people will talk about how "if me from ten years ago saw me now, I wouldn't believe it." Gwen felt like it was beyond understandable for her to feel this was most accurate for her life.

She was born a peasant; a blacksmith's daughter. It seems impossible that she sits on the throne now.

It wasn't long ago that it quite simply and entirely WAS impossible, in fact.

It was a huge change, not only for her, but for all of Camelot, and arguably, the world. It was inevitable that there would be challenges galore, and a number of severe ones at that.

She had known that Arthur was a popular target for people set on hurting Uther, taking over the kingdom, etc. etc.

She had known that being Queen would be far from easy.

But she also knew that Arthur needed her. According to him, Camelot also needed her. There isn't much that Gwen wouldn't do for the people she loves and it isn't like the burden of power doesn't come with upsides.

She lives in a palace with a large bed for her to sleep in and the grandest of rooms that she doesn't have to clean. Many of the things she used to do for herself, like bathing, dressing, and preparing meals, are all done for her now, even if she still has a habit of making the bed when her handmaidens aren't looking.

She doesn't have to wonder what kind of trouble Elyan is up to these days, because he is here, where she can keep a closer on eye on him and worry just a teensy bit less about him.

She has friends who are always there for her. Ones who respect her and defend her with their lives, but will still also laugh with her and give a shoulder to cry on when she needs it, as she still is for them after all these years.

All of these things are still true. Many of these people are still here, but she has never felt so alone.

Morgana betrayed her and the kingdom. She left her and eventually kidnapped her for the sake of warping her mind and manipulating her. They used to have a bond she had thought unbreakable. They had whispered secrets into each other's hair while holding each other after some of Morgana's nightmares. They had inside jokes and knew each other so well that they seemed to have an entire secret language between them that consisted solely of ticks and facial expressions. A crinkle of her nose when a suitor said something unclever or boarish. A raised eyebrow and a slight frown when Arthur was surprisingly (if only momentarily) gallant. A smile when Gwen said something she found amusing.

Gwen hadn't seen that smile in years. Any delusion of seeing it again was lost long ago. But apparently, she still had a sliver of hope left because hearing that she was dead, while in many ways was a relief, also hurt nearly as much as hearing the same fate had met Arthur.

That was both Gweneviere's greatest strength and greatest weakness; she was never really lacking in hope.

Even now, when her hope is arguably facing its biggest challenge yet, it's nowhere near gone.

She wishes she could say the same for Merlin's.

He's barely said a word. In fact, Gwen had hardly seen him at all. He had gone straight to Gaius, who somehow got an explanation out of him, and Merlin was presumably keeping to his room.

She couldn't blame him. If Gwen didn't have the responsibility of being queen, she might have done the same. And even then, she has still taken some time to shed her fair share of tears.

Gwen and Arthur's relationship was always an entirely different matter from Merlin and Arthur's relationship. All three of them knew this in some way. (Really, most of Camelot knew, to a point.)

Gwen and Arthur loved each other. That was never false, but there had been a time when they thought it was a different sort of love than it was. Once their relationship had become known, the people of Camelot thought they were essentially soulmates and destined to be one of the greatest love stories ever told. They weren't entirely wrong, but it wasn't the whole truth.

They could tell each other absolutely anything. Each of them had a great mind that worked well with the other, leading not only to an excellent partnership in rulers of the land, but also to an understanding that meant they could always rely on each other in any moment of need.

Gwen loved Arthur for his bravery and willingness to change himself and the things within his power for the betterness of all. She also loved him for his goofiness and his tragic past. She loved him for never passing personal judgement on her for her station or gender or race. She loved him for seeing her as the person she was, not the servant he was expected to see her as.

And that's exactly one of the reasons why he loved her. She didn't treat him like he was only a royal figure to worship and bend over backwards for. He wasn't just a king. He was her king. Just as she was his queen.

And to be a better king, Arthur needed people who would tell him when he was being conceited or small-minded...

Or a prat.

Merlin was there for Arthur just as much, if not far more so than Gwen was and that did not lessen the love between Gwen and Arthur even a little.

But Merlin had Arthur's heart from the moment they met.

And Arthur had Merlin's.

Many people would see and hear how Merlin blatantly insulted the KING and be baffled when his majesty would respond with Laughter. This servant could call King Arthur a dollophead, a clotpole, a prat, a cabbagehead, and so much more and face little to no repercussions. And this happened regularly. Many times a day, in fact. It was puzzling to many.

But Gwen knew why Arthur rarely, if ever, took offense to Merlin's ribbing and why Merlin would keep coming back only to be given endless chores and musings about his supposed lack of intelligence.

It wasn't because Merlin needed the job or had an obligation to the kingdom, at least not entirely. It wasn't because Arthur needed a servant or still felt he owed Merlin the job as part of a life debt, at least not entirely.

It was because they needed each other. And they both knew it in one way or another. That's why the words either didn't sting like it might seem they should or simply weren't enough to keep each other away. They knew they didn't truly mean it. They knew there was something far more important in their relationship than than there would be in any of their squabbles; even the serious ones.

"A half cannot truly hate that which makes it whole."

Gwen would never describe it in those words alone. It's silly to say something so cryptic and simply stated and pretend it explains absolutely everything in complete clarity.

Besides, who could accurately put into words the strength of Arthur and Merlin's love for one another.

Gwen and Arthur were husband and wife. But they were friends first. And when they got married they did so knowing it was best for the kingdom, and not in the way Uther thought, but in the way Queen Gwenevere and King Arthur believed. They were going to prove that change could lead to great things.

Gwen had hoped she wouldn't have to do so alone.

And even if it wasn't fair to her friends to think that she was truly alone, it would be quite some time before she felt otherwise.

The king is dead.

Queen Gwenevere sits on a single throne with a crown on her head, facing her subjects who she would put everything she had, as well as all she'd remember Arthur to be, into leading her people into the time of peace and prosperity that she and Arthur had hoped to see one day.

Arthur is dead.

Nothing would ever be the same. There were going to be some major difficulties in the road ahead, perhaps even some failures. But that will not stop her from trying harder. Arthur's loss will not stop her from loving again or hoping still. Nothing will stop her from being there for her kingdom... and for her friends.

. . . . .

She walked down the halls one step at a time. She smiled at the passers by and thanked those who gave their condolences.

She stopped wearing black a few weeks ago, but there were still dreadful clouds over everyone's hearts, though most of them had found ways to keep going nonetheless.

Except for one heart, it would seem, whose clouds were still striking everything that moved with unforgiving lighting and drowned out every sound with its devastating downpour.

For about two weeks, he hadn't left his room. Then the knights and her had taken turns in visiting him to try and get him to eat something or get some fresh air at the very least.

When he had seen Gwen, he could scarcely do more than sob into her shoulder. And she let her own tears fall as they held each other. He couldn't talk. He didn't utter a single word and even his cries were choked down to the point she was concerned he start actually choking.

He was becoming increasingly unhealthy, but somehow, neither he nor Gaius seemed especially worried about him dying, as strange as it was. He grew frighteningly more skinny as he didn't eat. His skin was paler and dryer, but still he wouldn't move from his bed. He flinched away from any golden light they might try and let in through the window. The dullness that would take over his face when you so much as showed him a glass of water was all beyond worrisome. Yet Gaius would simply say to give him time. Gwen and the knights worried just how much time it would take and whether it would be before or after Merlin starved to death.

After about a month, Gaius had said he'd successfully convinced Merlin to have a few bites of stew and some water for his father figure's sake if not for his own. They all nearly tried to throw a party in celebration. He still wouldn't leave his room, though.

A month later had him out of bed and dressed. He even helped Gaius with his work as best he could, but would not leave the physician's chambers. He talked some, but very little, and hardly above the softest whisper. And he wouldn't stay out of his room for very long. This went on like this for months.

Gwen tried to visit more often, but couldn't stay for very long. There was so much to do. She had understood when Merlin didn't want to be part of the ceremony held in remembering of Arthur, especially since he had already said his goodbyes when it mattered.

But there was so much more to do. Gwen was facing a lot of pushback from the members of the council who didn't believe she had a right to sit on the throne. She was handling that. With plenty of people vouching for her, and her own actions proving to be helping Camelot more and more every day, as well as the majority of Camelot's people loving her and everything she stands for as well as her strength in the face of her husband's death, she's been able to handle it. There's a million other issues that have mostly gotten smaller and smaller as she worked at them and any new issues that came up.

But she still needed Merlin. She still needed her friend. Merlin was one of the few people closest to her that hadn't died or betrayed her. She wasn't going to let him hide himself away forever. And there were still a number of things they needed to talk about.

His magic for one.

So here she was, walking to the physician's chambers ready to get her best friend out in the world again if she had to drag him out.

She knew he'd likely never be the same or even fully happy again without Arthur, but she was determined to remind him that he was so much more than what he was for Arthur: His protector. His servant. His lover. His friend... His real soulmate.

All those things he was to Arthur made up and will always be a huge part of who Merlin is, but Gwen will not let him think he is nothing with Arthur gone.

So she knocks on Gaius' door.

Gaius looks worried when he opens the door, but also almost received as he let's her in and tells her Merlin is in his room.

They share a knowing look before she walks up the steps and carefully opens the door.

When she walks in, she sees Merlin sitting by the fire, holding Ygraine's sigil in his hands and watching the flames shape a person in armour interacting with a person in more common garb. It's almost like the fire is playing Merlin's memories back to him. Gwen only thinks this because she recognizes the scene. The day Arthur made some poor boy run around with knives getting thrown at him, and Merlin stood up to him, with no thought to station or the sorts of power one person could try and use against him.

Gwen knew Merlin had magic by now. Gaius and she had discussed it partially after she figured it out. She had suspected something of the like for a little while, now, in fact.

She had never seen him use magic blatantly and so closely before. She took a breath in surprise and the images in the flames flickered away as Merlin turned to look at her, his eyes still shining gold for just a second before turning back to blue. His face was wet.

Neither of them moved for a moment before Gwen made the choice to slowly walk over and sit beside him. The warlock. The love of her dead husband's life. One of her greatest friends.

"Merlin."

He hadn't broken eye contact with her at all since she came in, but with the sound of her voice, the clouded sheen across his eyes flickered to almost reveal what was behind them. He said nothing back.

"I know, we've been skirting around some very difficult talks these past couple months, and I don't plan to press you on what I'm fairly sure is the most painful one for you, seeing as it is also the most painful one for me." The cloudy sheen grew thicker. You once saw a deep blue when you looked at Merlin. Now it seemed more and more like a stormy gray.

Gwen resumed. "But there is one thing I think we need to talk about sooner rather than later: your magic." (This wasn't entirely true. There wasn't much of a time limit on this as even if they started taking down the anti-magic laws in the system, it would be a very long time before they started to see real change. Nonetheless, it does need to happen and it's a much better conversation to get Merlin out and about again than trying to talk about anything to do with Arthur specifically.)

Surprisingly, his expression stayed stone still. No surprise, no fear, no confusion, nothing. She had figured Gaius told him she knew and in some of her visits to Merlin, she had made implications and questionable comments to subtly let him know that she knew and was not going to have him executed over it. And avoiding addressing it directly for fear of him panicking or shutting down or doing something reckless. So she wasn't expecting him to be totally off-guard.

But to have absolutely no emotional reaction at all was not a good sign.

He continued to say nothing.

"Merlin, please. Nothing is easy anymore, I know. Not talking to your friends. Not getting out of bed. Not even breathing, at times. Believe me, I understand this. Obviously there are parts of what you're going through, that I don't understand, but that's never going to stop me from trying. And the same goes for Gaius, Elyan, Percival, and Leon. We are all here for you. That's what makes us friends is We are all here for each other."

He had looked away around when she talked about wanting to understand and had slowly drifted to looking back at the fire.

"Please look at me, Merlin. I need to know that you're hearing me." She grabbed his arm softly and his eyelids twitched. Slowly, so slowly, he started to move his lips like he was about to speak.

He struggles for a moment before his eyes glow gold and he lowers his head as the fire starts to dance again. This time, it shows a boy playing in the woods. He makes butterflies from nothing and they dance around him and Gwen can almost hear the joyous laughter as the boy plays with his magical creations.

Then another boy appears and the butterflies fly away. The first boy is very still. Then the second boy walks over and, after a moment, he hugs him tightly. The first boy hugs back.

The image shifts. There are two young men, young enough that to still be considered boys, working in fields of grain. The crop is not doing well and the boys look concerned. One of them starts to seem frustrated with the other and gestures to the crops. The other contemplates for a moment. He looks around to see if anyone is looking and then kneels down to get his hands in the dirt.

The figures the fire makes are not as detailed as the people they represent, but they are detailed enough that two spots where the figure's eyes would be glow brighter than the rest of him. The crops flourish and grow tall. The first boy is amazed at what his friend has done and is grabbing his arm excitedly. The second is concerned.

The scene changes again, and now the boys walk alone through a town with multiple figures looking at them and whispering amongst themselves. The boys reach a particular house where a woman waits for them. She brings them inside.

In the house, the woman is talking animatedly. The boys are clearly being scolded by a worried mother.

"They suspected Will was the sorcerer." A cracking voice says quietly next to Gwen.

She immediately looks over to Merlin, who is watching the flames sullenly; tiredly. She waited for him to continue.

He sighed shakily. "When the crops became healthier than would normal even in a good year overnight, that was the last straw for the other villagers. They had suspicions before, but this was undeniable. And Will and I were known to have been in the field during the time frame the crops changed."

"If I had stayed, my mother would've had to watch one or both of us get turned against by the whole village and it wouldn't have been safe for any of us. If someone left mysteriously, and all the suspiciously magical things stopped happening, then they'd be satisfied that the sorcerer wouldn't be bothering them again. It was Will or me, and really, I was the obvious choice."

The fire showed on of the boys with a pack on his back, hugging the woman, then hugging his friend before leaving his home.

"Even if I could've bared to watch Will leave, an outcast to his home, I wouldn't have been able to live without ever using magic again. The suspicions would pick up again sooner or later. So my mother sent me away to Gaius, believing he'd teach me better control of my magic and believing the business of the city would help keep eyes off of me."

The fire shows the boy appearing over a hill, approaching the unmistakable image of Camelot. It seems so bright and hopeful.

Then Merlin is in a cave talking to the Great dragon.

"From the beginning, Kilgarrah would tell me how my destiny was to help Arthur. To protect him and help him become the greatest king the land had ever known. He told me Arthur would unite the lands of Albion and magic would be free once more."

Gwen wasn't sure what to think of this. So she just kept listening.

"It's very difficult to turn away when someone tells you there's a future where you and people like you can be free from persecution and don't have to constantly fear for your life over something you can't help. It's a lot harder to feel like that's possible when you're just a kid from Ealdor, being told this future relies almost entirely on you. That all your power and all your gifts were given to you so that you would bring about a golden age of peace for everyone by keeping one stupid prat alive." He chuckles into a cut off sob at that.

The fire then shows Uther sentencing a warlock to death in front of the poor man's mother. It shows her disappearing in rage.

It shows her throwing a dagger at Arthur's heart just before Merlin slows time to pull Arthur away safely.

Arthur looks surprisingly blurry in the flames, but far more bright and golden than anything else in the scene.

The scenes change much more rapidly now. Merlin using magic to reveal Valiant's magical shield. Merlin using magic to destroy the monster that was poisoning the water. Merlin calling the Great Dragon and ordering him to stop terrorizing Camelot and leave for good. Merlin stopping bandits with falling branches and mysteriously thrown spears. Merlin facing off Cenred and refusing the chance to rule with him.

"I couldn't save everyone."

Merlin meeting a girl under the castle to bring her food and talk with her. That girl turning into a monster and being killed by Arthur. Merlin watching Will die with an arrow in his chest and a lie on his lips for the sake of protecting his friend from Arthur. Merlin stopping Arthur from going through the veil, but being beat to going through it himself by Lancelot. (That scene wasn't quite so detailed and Gwen reached for his shoulder in thanks for that. Whether it was more for her or himself.)

"Or I didn't try hard enough."

Mordred getting thrown in the dungeons with no way to save the love of his life and Merlin doing nothing about it.

Merlin poisoning Morgana.

Gwen had to take a breath for that one. The situation back then had eventually reached her ears and she had eventually forgiven Merlin, but that didn't make it any easier a truth to face. She took her hand away, but stayed close.

"Over time, protecting Arthur with my magic became less and less about bringing about a peaceful future and so much more about just-"

He couldn't finish that sentence, but the fire showed a king in full armour grasping the forearm of his servant. The two of them only seeing each other. Arthur was very clear to see now. You could make out the sharpness of his jaw and crinkles of his eyes. The fire changed colors so his hair and crown would shine gold, his cape deepened to Pendragon red, and his eyes shifting to a piercing blue.

Merlin's figure was much less bright and detailed, but the tinted red of his neckercheif and the faint blue of his eyes were bolder than before. After all, his mission in protecting Arthur may have changed him not always for the better, but his love for Arthur always brought out the best parts of Merlin.

Merlin had kept his face expressionless through most of the story, but not like he was trying to hide his emotions anymore. No, he simply couldn't bring himself to feel anything about the secret of his magic anymore. This secret he's had to keep from almost everyone in his life for so long. He didn't care about it anymore. It wasn't about the magic anymore.

The flames slowly started to fade back to a more expected sort of flickering and grew smaller as it did. Merlin stayed quiet again. Gwen reached out again.

"Did you get to tell him?" She asked oh so softly.

His eyes watered and he nodded. Then he started shaking his head no.

"Not the way I wanted to."

Gwen thought about how beautifully the fire had danced in telling Merlin's story. The way that every time Arthur was shown, he was shown as a golden figure of hope and love doing his best to protect and lead his kingdom. It was meant to be Merlin's story, but it was difficult to focus on much besides Arthur and the beauty Merlin painted him with. Even when he killed Freya, her beauty was far from hidden, and the tragedy was not shyed away from, but Arthur was not the villain of the story. He never would be the villain in Merlin's story. And he wanted Arthur to know that. He wanted time to get Arthur to sit down and hear his side of the story. This story full of lies and secrets and pain that some may hear and think it odd that Merlin, with all his power, wouldn't be fighting against Arthur in order to build the world he wanted himself. This story that is so clearly not one of heroes against villains, or rivalry, but above all, a love story. Merlin loves Arthur more than himself. More than magic. More than anything or anyone. That's what he wanted to show Arthur. That's what he wanted Arthur to know.

Merlin's tears fell more forcefully, and Gwen took him in her arms. She let her tears run freely as well.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He gasped through his cries. Gwen didn't need to ask what he was sorry about. Or who he was sorry to. They both knew.

"I'm sorry too." Gwen replied. Because in the end, there's not much else you can say but that.

Eventually, their emotions would settle, and they'd start talking about what to do next. Having magic would no longer be a crime, but there were so few magic users and beings of magic left that there would need to be a serious effort to avoid the extinction of such people and creatures in the long run.

Merlin wasn't sure he was up to that task. It didn't help that if it was revealed to the court that he, specifically, had magic and had been hiding it for years, it would be difficult for anyone to trust him.

But he also simply didn't have faith that he could keep all of magic from dying when he couldn't even keep Arthur from dying.

Gwen didn't want to put so much pressure on him, especially with few to no signs that it would go well. But she would lift the ban on magic. Gaius could help educate people on how magic really works, and they would spread the word that magic does not make something or someone evil. It simply does what all power does and gives people the opportunity to make choices. Sometimes, people just choose to hurt other people.

But some other times, people will instead choose to help people. That's what Gwen will do with her power. Help people. Help her friends. And with time and persistence in this, things will get better, at least in some ways.

Camelot may not last forever. Magic may die out. Their story may not become the greatest legend ever told. It may even be forgotten. But it will have happened. And, in the end, isn't it worth everything, just to say that it happened?

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