#this only happened because my anxiety about finding out i'd left it too late and autos had all sold out finally tipped ever so slightly

[peanutbutterandbananasandwichs]

Ok you know what I've been putting this off since Christmas cause spending money on "silly" things for myself gives me extreme anxiety buuuuuutttt: Going to Crossroads 10!

[lucy90712]

First ultrasound

Gavi: 

The first ultrasound of my first pregnancy is something I thought I'd be excited about but I'm more nervous than anything. It has been a few days and the fact that I'm actually pregnant has finally sunk in but it feels even more real now that we are going to doctors and will see our baby on the screen. Pablo has been looking forward to this appointment since I booked it especially because I promised him I'd make it at a time when he could come with me. Seeing him so excited should make me less nervous but it really doesn't I just keep wondering if his attitude will change once he realises what is actually happening and how much our lives are going to change. 

Pablo's training session went on longer than expected so he had to rush home and pick me up so we could head straight to the doctors. He was beaming from ear to ear the whole drive while he held my hand and stroked the back of it to provide me some comfort. Even when we were in the waiting room his hand didn't leave mine which helped calm my anxiety a little as I knew I had some support. When the doctor called us in I had to answer a few questions and they did a few basic tests before finally I was told to lay down ready for the ultrasound. Both mine and Pablo's eyes were glued to the little screen as the wand moved across my stomach until the doctor got the image she was looking for. There wasn't much to see but seeing the little dot on the screen somehow made me feel so much better about everything. I felt even better when I looked at Pablo and saw that he had tears in his eyes just like I did. 

He insisted that we get some pictures because he wanted to keep them which only melted my heart more. Both of us were on cloud 9 as we left because not only did we get to see our baby for the first time but the doctor said that everything look perfect and that I was extremely healthy too. We were given a due date in May which Pablo wrote in big letters on our calendar the second we got home just to remind us of when our lives will be changed forever. 

Pedri: 

The day of my first ultrasound has finally arrived. When I first called they couldn't get me in for a few weeks but those weeks have flown by and now it's time. I've been looking forward to this day since finding out I was pregnant and I'm hoping it will help everything actually sink in as it doesn't quite feel real yet. All I have to show that I'm pregnant is the positive pregnancy test but I'm hoping that getting to see our baby on the screen will put things into perspective and everything will feel less superficial.

I woke up really early this morning as I was just so excited but that meant a lot of waiting and most of that time Pedri was gone as he had training so I didn't even have anyone to talk to about my feelings. Pedri met me at the doctors as that's what worked best for us and we walked in together to fill out a load of forms to register me under these doctors for the rest of my pregnancy. Once I handed them back in I was told that the doctors were running late so our wait may be longer than usual. Any normal day this would be fine but today I was so full of excitement it was hard to sit still especially watching everyone else come and go looking at their own ultrasound pictures. 

Finally we were called in and the doctor got straight on with everything she needed to do including blood tests and general health checks before we could get to the ultrasound. Looking at the screen as the cold gel was spread around my stomach was magical as I could see the tiny blob on the screen that in just a few months will be our baby. Pedri held my hand even tighter than he already was as we both stared at the tiny thing we created. We were given a few pictures and told that my due date is in February which doesn't feel that far away but I'm sure as I get further into my pregnancy time will start to drag. 

Jude: 

The process of getting my first ultrasound has been a bit stressful as I made the appointment at a time when Jude would be able to come then they rescheduled his training session right at the time of my appointment. He didn't want me to change it as the next appointment was a few weeks away and he didn't want me waiting just because of him. The idea of having to go to my first appointment alone stressed me out as I know I'll be getting looks from people and I was hoping Jude would be there to help me take everything in as I know I won't be able to process it all. 

When I woke up this morning I expected Jude to be gone as he always leaves for training early but instead he was laying in bed next to me fast asleep. Then I saw the time and panicked as he was going to miss training so I woke him up but he just shushed me before explaining. He woke up early thinking he'd go to training but he decided that he just couldn't miss my appointment so he said he was sick and couldn't go to training when he went back to bed. Hearing him say that made me tear up a little as he will almost definitely get in trouble for skipping training but he did it for me and our baby that a few weeks ago he didn't think he wanted. 

We went to the appointment together and by some luck went straight in to see the doctor who was so lovely. Jude asked a lot of questions wanting to know more about what this whole process was going to be like as he doesn't have any real knowledge of pregnancy outside the basics. The doctor answered all of his questions and gave us a list of books she recommended we read which Jude most definitely won't read but I will. She then finally did my ultrasound and said everything looked perfect which settled some of my nerves. She then told us that my due date is in November which of course had Jude thinking about the football season and the games that might be on then but he then promised me he'd miss any game to be with me which was reassuring. 

Joao: 

I had to wait for my first ultrasound as Joao and I had a trip away planned and then he was travelling with the team but eventually we were back and I could make the appointment which was really exciting. As Joao is the only one who knows about the pregnancy he has been subjected to listening to me talk about how much I'm looking forward to this ultrasound for weeks but luckily he seems just as excited as me. Just the idea of seeing our baby for the first time brings me so much joy and excitement as I think it will make it all feel so much more real. 

Joao had to make an excuse to leave training a little early to come with me but he didn't really care he wasn't going to miss this appointment. He tried promising me that he would miss any appointment but I told him not to say that as we just don't know what will happen in the future but I appreciated the sentiment. When we arrived at the doctors and sat in the waiting room we were definitely the youngest couple there which made me feel a little insecure. I know we aren't super young but I just felt out of place and I didn't want to be judged by everyone in the room. Joao must've sensed my sudden apprehension as he made sure to grab my hand and hold it tightly while distracting me by showing me funny tiktoks which really did take my mind off things.

Eventually we were called in but Joao's hand didn't leave mine which I think was partly to comfort me but also himself. It was a bit stressful as the doctor struggled to find a heartbeat to begin with which made time drag as every second felt like an hour but eventually she found it and did all the necessary checks but everything was perfectly ok. She apologised for the scare before telling us that I'd be due in April meaning we have a spring baby on our hands. 

Ruben: 

My first ultrasound is something that has been causing me a lot of anxiety. I thought I'd be excited but because I have been waiting for this moment for so long I'm just so scared. I don't know what I'll do if something is wrong I don't think I could handle that after struggling to conceive for the past year. I know Ruben is nervous too but he has been keeping his feelings to himself as he's been trying to reassure me. I really appreciate him trying to make me feel better but the only thing that is going to put my mind at ease is seeing the doctor and getting a professionals approval. 

At the appointment we were sat in the waiting room and I've never felt so sick from nerves in my life. There was so many other women there with their bumps and big smiles while I probably looked like I'd seen a ghost. Ruben tried talking to me to distract me but I couldn't say anything my mind was far too preoccupied. Instead of wasting his breath Ruben pulled my hands into his lap and got me to rest my head against his shoulder which helped me relax a little. When we were called in Ruben had to help me up and have an arm around my waist as without him my knees wouldn't given way from under me or I just wouldn't be able to move from the intense anxiety I was feeling. 

Ruben spoke to the doctor and explained our situation which led the doctor reassuring me that everything will be fine before she even did any tests or anything which settled my nerves a little. As she did everything she told me the normal levels and then what mine were which helped me feel so much better as I was right in the normal range for everything. Then we got to the ultrasound and nothing has ever made me feel more at ease than hearing our baby's heartbeat while seeing them on the screen. Ruben and I wanted to have some pictures to keep so the doctor printed us some while telling me that my due date was in October.

[imabeautifulbutterfly]

Hello friend! I'm in love with your writing!!! 😍😍😍😍😍

Idk if your requests are still open but I'd like to request something if you don't mind!

I LOVED the hurt/comfort/whump fic you did for Hunter. Could you possibly do something like that for Tech x Reader?

Maybe Tech and the reader are on a mission together or maybe they've crash landed somewhere or something. The reader is badly hurt and Tech has to take care of her and treat her wounds and save her and comfort her in his own special Tech way 😂😍

Oh @arctrooper69 what can I say? I mean ... I think a thank you is just not enough. You have made my day with this request, so I took my time to give it the proper respect it deserves. I hope you like it. If it wasn't exactly what you were looking for I do apologize.

Please note that you are always welcome to send in requests. As this is a special request, it will be stored in my One Shots & Mini Series Master List.

The story got a little away from at 1400+ words, but I hope it's close to what you wanted.

And who doesn't love Tech. I love this adorable nerdy man.

Love oo,

His Promise

Warnings: Snow, injury, blood, explosions, crash, grief, fear, anxiety, hurt, fluff, near death, feelings of being a burden, getting in the way, I think that's it. If I miss any, please let me know.

Please note the explanation of Snow, Tech gives, was taken from the National Snow and Ice Data Centre.

AO3 Link   |   OS & MS Master List |   Main Master List  

The wind was picking up, as the snow piled down and was doing everything in its power to keep you and Tech from being rescued. You looked at the snow as it came down in sheets outside the entrance of the cavern he found, mesmerized by its beauty. 

“It’s beautiful and so calming …” you said slowly, your body already weakened from your injury and loss of blood.

“What are you talking about?” Tech did his best not to let the slowness of your breathing or even the breathless way you were speaking affect him. His anxiety was already high, and his fear of losing you was nearing his breaking point. 

“The snow…” you kept watching the soft flakes float down as they gently landed on the ground, piling on top of one another, almost as though they were unable to survive without the comfort of those around them. 

Tech glanced up to see the blizzard which prevented you both from leaving. As he watched the speed of the wind, he calculated it would’ve been nearly impossible for Hunter to bring the ship close to them. As he looked at the used bandages already soaked through with your blood his fear only grew. You needed immediate medical attention, more than he could provide at the moment, or it would mean certain death for you to be out here any longer.

Frankly, he couldn’t stop picturing the way you lunged forward as the ship crashed. He was helpless to watch you, as your body fell forward against the console, as a piece of the console broke off and jabbed you in your abdomen. It all happened too fast and somehow in slow motion. He could still hear your scream piercing his ear as he pulled you off the console.

He tried to stop the bleeding right away, however when he went to look for the med kit, he realized only too late that it had fallen out of the shuttle when the engine and the side compartment blew. All he had left were his emergency bandages and gauze and they weren’t nearly enough. 

At that moment, he couldn’t care less about how beautiful the snow was or how calming the blizzard looked from inside a cavern, that he only had to find because that piece of osik shuttle decided to have a fuel leak, catching on fire. 

Within seconds he had needed to drag you out of the relatively warm and safe shelter you both had, grabbing what supplies he could before the ship blew up. Thankfully, he had been able to send a message to Hunter when the shuttle crashed initially. So it was only a matter of time before the Marauder showed up, but …

His eyes fell back to the bundle of used gauze, his anxiety climbing as he knew you needed more first aid than he could provide at the moment. You needed the Marauder, you needed his med kit that he carefully stocked and kept safe on board the Marauder. At this point in time, he didn’t care about any kriffing snow.

“Snow is an accumulation of packed ice crystals. The condition of the packed crystals determines a variety of attributes, such as colour, temperature and water equivalent. As weather conditions change, the packed ice crystals can change as well, and this affects the characteristics of snow.”

You chuckled at his ability to pull forth information like it was nothing. Unfortunately the chuckle turned to coughing. Only causing you to dribble more blood out of your mouth, you wiped away what you could. He didn’t need to see that, “Tech …” you coughed again, “turn off your brain for two seconds, don’t think and just look. Just watch.”

He pulled the heater closer towards you, “Stop talking and try and warm up.”

“Tech…” you held his hand, “just look.”

His eyes drifted up your body, till he locked eyes with you. They were pleading for him to listen and to just have him appreciate what you found mesmerizing. He tried to follow your advice, focusing on the snow, but all his mind kept drifting back to was this blizzard that was preventing you from getting the medical attention you needed, so desperately. 

He shook his head focusing back on your abdomen, trying to stop the bleeding. Trying his best to keep you with him. 

“Tech,” you gripped his wrist “… stop …”

“No.”

His tone was firm and full of anger, why did he agree to let you come with him? If he used his brain instead of allowing his feelings for you to dictate his actions, you wouldn’t have been here. You wouldn’t have gotten hurt. Why did you always insist on following him? Why didn’t you just stay behind on Pabu? Simply because you wanted to see the galaxy, and he was excited to show it to you? It was his fault you were here. It was his fault you were in danger. It was his fault he … was going to lose you.

“Tech …” you squeezed his wrist. He removed your hand from his wrist, placing it off to the side as he focused on your wound. He didn’t deserve your touch, he didn’t deserve to have you comfort him. It was his fault you both crashed on this force forsaken planet. 

There was nothing you could do as you watched Tech pull away. 

From the moment you met him on Pabu, the way he worked with Phee as he helped rescue the villagers when the rogue wave was rushing towards the island, and the way he helped make everything more ‘efficient,’ you couldn’t help but fall in love with him. You wanted to learn from him, to listen to him go on with regards to anything and everything. Only problem was you never had the courage to actually utter the words you were dying to. Phee told you time and time again, ‘later’ was never a guarantee, and now as you lay on the cold floor of the cavern you were in, bleeding out of your abdomen, you realized how little time there was left. 

  Tears welled up in your eyes, as you realized you needed to unburden yourself. You needed to tell him what had been pressing on your heart before you didn’t have the strength to, it didn’t help that you were feeling weaker with each passing second. Also didn’t help that you could tell he was angry, actually a more accurate description would be infuriated, more than likely at you.

“I’m sorry.” You offered the only apology you could. “I’m sorry I’m such a burden, even now.” You took in a shuddering breath as Tech stopped moving his hands for two seconds as he focused on your face. “I’m sorry for always pestering you to teach me,” you offered, your voice barely above a whisper. “I’m sorry for not listening,” a tear slid down your cheek, “I’m sorry for putting you in this position. To have to feel responsible for someone like me.” 

He shook his head, his teeth clenched as his anger, grief, fear, and sadness overwhelmed him completely in that moment. He pulled off his helmet and placed it beside him. 

“Stop.” It was his only command.

“Please, I …” you coughed again, trying to not cough on him. “I just want … I need to …”

He cut off your speech as his hand cupped your cheek, “Cyar’ika …” tears welled up in his eyes, “you were … are never a burden.” He couldn’t believe that’s what you thought of him… that’s what you believed he felt for you. He shook his head again as he pressed his forehead to yours. “I have loved every second we have spent together. I made a point to record every moment with you, because they were more precious to me than breathing.”

You held on to his bicep, keeping him close as tears streamed down your cheek, “Tech … I … I don’t want to go… I want … I want to stay here with you…”

“You’re not going anywhere. I just got you …” his tears landed on your cheeks, mixing with your own, “you’ll be okay. I promise.”

“Hold me… please… just hold me until…I can’t feel your arms anymore.”

“I’ll hold you longer than that,” Tech pulled you into his arms, lifting you off the ground as he felt your body grow weaker. Your eyes were closed, your body was growing pale. He was so focused on you, he didn’t hear the voices calling out to him, at least not until he felt Hunter’s hand on his shoulder. He didn’t wait, there were no more seconds to lose. He rushed towards the Marauder with you in his arms, he wasn’t going to lose you. He promised. He was going to bring you back.

AO3 Link   |   OS & MS Master List |   Main Master List 

Tag list:

@liadamerondjarin @badbatch-simp24@spicymcnuggies@lady-ren @firstofficerwiggles @darkangel4121 @discofern @kavecika @monako-jinn-stories @ladykatakuri @avathebestx @theroguesully @furyhellfire66 @carodealmeida @ciramaris @sprout-fics @twinkofthedink @dindjarin-mandalorian @ulchabhangorm @tortor-mcgee @vodika-vibes @clonethirstingisreal

[leth-writes]

yandere Steve Rogers x reader (part 1)

A/N: I already posted this on my AO3 a while ago, but I thought I'd post it on tumblr as well.

Summary: A world where yanderes, known as 'protectors', are in charge, and as a result, are able to basically kidnap whoever they want. Steve and Bucky are your best friends, and you assumed they'd offer you some sort of protection from being kidnapped; you were wrong.

You’d done your best to avoid catching anyone’s attention. It was hard work, but you tried even harder. You made sure you looked average, not too attractive or you’d draw attention, not to haphazard or someone’d take you to ‘give you a better home’. Average grades, only a few close friends, neither of whom showed any proclivities toward being overprotective, average hobbies. You’d never seen the transformation coming.

You’d tried so fucking hard, and it had all been for naught, all that effort and restaint down the drain because the U.S government was performing human experimentation, attracting your best friend. You’d only become friends with Steve after him and Bucky wore you down over the course of years, but Steve was too small to be a protector and Bucky was a womanizer. You’d thought yourself safe, thought that having them by your side would ward off any particularly persistent suitors. You hadn’t thought too much about the fact that anyone who tried to be your friend often disappeared afterward, gone without a trace; you thought they’d just been careless, taken in the night by a protector. You hadn’t noticed the way that Steve’s notebook was filled with the minutia of your life, including your schedule down to the minute, or the way your toothbrush and hair products and even old notes tended to vanish without notice. Hell, you clearly hadn’t noticed him fucking stalking you, following you around and hiding in corners when you’d turned around. You’d overlooked every hint, every warning, all because you thought Steve was too small to pose a threat. You’d been an idiot. You should’ve known he was more determined than you thought.

When Bucky joined the military and got the orders to ship out, your first thought was “Who’s gonna protect me now?”. Then you’d felt guilty that you’d put your safety over his, and you’d tried to banish the thought. It hadn’t worked. You spent days trying to come up with a plan, trying to come up with a way to save yourself from the threat of some rando off the street deciding you looked good enough to keep, not even bothering to pay attention to Steve’s desparate attempts to join the military as well. You hadn’t noticed how he was trying so hard to get in that he was willing to do anything, all in an attempt to prove himself strong enough to protect you.

Maybe if you had, none of this would’ve happened.

When Steve told you he’d joined the military, obviously getting a doctor to take pity on him long enough to fib on the papers, you hadn’t spared it a second thought. There was no way, you thought, that they’d bring Steve to the frontlines. Maybe he’d find some cushy office work, finally be able to afford his medicine, but there’s no way he would ever, ever, be in danger.

Then, he’d vanished for almost a month, and you were alone. In that time, you barely left the house. The couple of acquiantances you had, all former flings of Bucky’s, tried to get you to go with them, mistaking your anxiety for heartbreak over your two best friends being shipped off to war. They weren’t wholly wrong, you were upset, but you were preoccupied with your worries about your own safety. You had no way to protect yourself from the world at large, and you were hard at work trying to come up with a solution.

The knock came at 3 a.m. You jolted awake, sure it was your landlord coming to ask for your overdue rent, and cautiously approached the mahogony door. You reached the door too late; quickly, it came flying in, dust clouding around the entryway by the sheer force of the kick. In came a man in gear you’d never seen before: the man wore a black, thickly padded vest with a deep blue uniform underneath, cargo pants accentuated with the black combat boots typical of a soldier. The uniform was without wrinkle; it must be new, you thought incredulously. He towered over you, clearly standing above 6’5”, navy blue helmet completely obscuring his face and his expression. He stood in the doorway, blocking off your exit and preventing any light from filtering into the now destroyed front hall. He strode forward, boots thunking against the dusty wood floor, and reached a gloved hand out to grasp at your wrist.

“Let go of me!” You cried, tugging at his grip as you tried to bolt. The leather of his gloves crinkled as he held steadfast, dragging you toward him as your socked feet uselessly skittered at the floor. “Fuck!” You cursed, now frantically scratching at the arm pulling you into his chest. He wrapped you in a bear hug, tightly squeezing you and forcing the air out of your lungs, preventing you from taking a full breath. You wheezed, ribs creaking, trying to wiggle out. Unfortunately, your arms had been pinned by your sides, rendering them useless, and you hovered a foot above the ground, feet kicking out without making contact. You were stuck, writhing in the arms of a masked stranger, potentially about to be killed. The thought filled you with profound sadness; you hadn’t gotten to say goodbye to Bucky and Steve, not really. Maybe you should’ve tried to go with them, damn the consequences. Maybe you should’ve ran away the second Steve went missing and nothing tied you to this godforsaken town. The millions of little possibilities that led you to this moment, into his grasp, ran through your mind, and you found yourself disappointed. You hadn’t ever let yourself live, not really, too consumed with the fear of being kidnapped and having your entire world be relegated to a protector’s home and guidelines. If you could go back and do it all over again, you had no doubt you would.

The world was going dark, now, the lack of air slowly draining your vision of color. You had so many regrets, and you’d never get to act on them, and you didn’t want to die! You struggled and clawed at his padded arms, to no avail. Your hearing went out, the sound of crashing oceans filling your ears, and your vision collapsed in on itself, and you were gone.

[miradelletarot]

Sad brain hours are stupid

Personal post alert. Just me kinda mumbling my random sad brain thoughts into the void, and hope something make sense (or at least helps me get this shit out of my head idk).

*note: this is all over the fucking place so...sorry.* My confidence is pretty low lately. I mean, it always has been honestly. I was raised to have a low self-esteem (just like my mother, who also had self-esteem issues, and projected a lot of her shit onto me). So, I have never ever really been confident. In my marriage, I can't recall a time when my husband truly made me feel sexy/desirable (unless he wanted something from me...you know what I'm talking about). Even mentally and emotionally, I'm really not that smart. I'm not witty, or quick, or brilliant in any way, and my anxiety and depression and ADHD make shit hard enough to cope with as it is. I struggled in school. Mostly an A & B student, but I had to bust my ass for those grades. Not to mention my horrible memory...I'm lucky I know basic grade school shit. I have no illusions that there is anything remotely spectacular about me. I think that's why I love supporting and helping others. Especially with tarot. It's my way of trying to help lift people up, and make them feel good about themselves, and their prospects because *someone* needs to be in your corner (general "you"). It's just easier to give my love to others, because I'd rather use my energy to celebrate the people I care about. Lately, I am really just feeling so down about my body. More than I have in a while. I think I've ignored it for so long because I was married. He stopped putting in effort and so did I. I had no one to impress anymore. But, despite him completely letting himself go (he's well over 400lbs now, and does NOT take care of himself in the slightest,) he said he was no longer attracted to me. (this will make sense in a moment...promise).

in 2018, I had a weird ass health scare that landed me in the hospital for a week, and the nurse said I nearly died of sepsis. Her words were (and I'll never fucking forget it...) "if you had waited even until tonight to come to the ER, there's a good chance you wouldn't have made it." Drs still dunno what the fuck happened to me. Ever since that happened, my thyroid went stupid (thanks again, MOTHER...) and I gained a ton of weight. I have always been on the heavier side (180lbs when I got married 16 yrs ago. I'm 5 ft tall for context). Now, I'm 243 lbs. I was 265, but I lost a lot of that stress weight after I left my husband. So, that's certainly something.

But...I just don't see the improvement. i don't feel any better. I have such a horrible relationship with exercise, and i am working so fucking much I don't even want to even though I know I should. I hate wearing makeup b/c of how it makes my face feel, and in the Florida, soul-sucking heat? I could never. But, I still have breakouts like a fucking teenager going through puberty. and my hair? fuck. i hate it. it's a poofy, frizzy mop. ALSO...fucking hell. I have had a slight lisp since i was a kid. I worked really hard to correct it b/c i was in choir and shit and my music teacher helped me with it, but recently i find that it's a lot more prominent than it used to be, and it sticks out to me SO fucking much, and i feel so insecure about it lately.

It's time's like these when something my ex said to me before i left really sticks in my head (he apologized for saying this btw, but it doesn't make the pain go away). He said "you'll never find anyone as good as me." I really want to believe he's wrong, but sometimes? It feels like he's right. Like I'll never be pretty or thin enough to be desirable to anyone. Too much depression and anxiety. Too weird. Too vulgar. Just...Too much, and oddly not enough at the same time. Even though it's only been 6 months since I left him I am fucking lonely. I won't lie, I miss having a partner (and all that entails). I'm so afraid I'll be alone forever. If I lower my standards, I'll just get some shitty asshole again. Someone just like my ex. I'm too fucking old to date around like I'm in my 20s. I'm pushing 40. I'm either going to find the man of my dreams (the Gale of my heart, a real one lol) or I'll be forever alone.

I'm in hell...and it looks like a pixelated paradise.

[jayden-killer]

ARIADNE.

part two of Book Emergency.

A/N: omg last part was requested so uh let's GET STARTED I'm so happy "book emergency part 1" was appreciated, GUYS I LOVE YOU SM.

Paring: Steven Grant × f! Reader.

☁︎ ꧁ ꧂ ☁︎

It was impossible not to think about that night meeting a week ago. My mind was filled only with the image of him, his shy smile, the marks that the razor had left on him, the tired but kind eyes ... the slightly open shirt ... everywhere I went, I saw the image of him . And whatever I did to distract myself, he always came out. Jeez, it looked like I had a crush. A crush that I could not control. The book was beautiful, maybe he was right. I absolutely had to go back to the bookstore and get the other two volumes. However, would I have been intrusive if I had? Would it have seemed obvious if I'd come back just for him? Even though, at the same time, I thought nothing was going to happen: I was just a customer. Nothing more. It was enough to take the book, leaf through it a bit, go to the cash desk, pay and say hello. Don't stammer. And don't try to make him understand that an interest was born in me, for him.

Then, one spring morning, I walked the streets of London, and the air was humid, but scented with flowers. Of sweet. And it seemed that this morning was just the right one.

♡

The bookshop was open, evidenced by a sign placed on the window: "We are open :) we invite you to enter". Like in a film, I adjusted the long coat I was wearing, cleaning it from the invisible traces of dust that were on my shoulders. My fingers quivered, palms perspired. And so I took a deep breath. And opened the door.

the smell of the old book and the new one mixed together, and I felt like I was in my happy little place, smiling to myself. There was no sign of him anywhere, yet the library wasn't huge, quite the contrary. I glanced at the checkout. The handsome clerk was not there either. Then I breathed a sigh of relief, trying to recover from the thought that had invaded my mind in the last week. It would have been better to start looking for the book.

My fingers searched for the title I needed. And I wandered through those shelves full, happy with anything: Nonfiction. Biographies. Foreign literature. Myths.

Here it is, well exposed, as if it was waiting for me, to be taken. I smiled, pleased to have found the second book, and turned it over in my hands.

``Did you like the first book?´´

I jumped up in fright and turned to face the speaker. I expected someone to annoy me, to harass me, yet there was the person I'd been looking for since I entered the store: the cute, smiling clerk. This time he had his hands clasped together, shy in his bearing, and his eyes kind as always, waiting for my answer.

Looking at him, I felt my heart pounding with embarrassment. Oh god, he looked good even today. He shone in that shop, as if it were made just for him. This time he was wearing a shirt with colorful geometric motifs, ranging in brown, blue and light blue, and around his neck he wore a card with his name on it.

``Steven...´´

``It's my name, darling´´

Apparently I read the name aloud, because he answered me, but he didn't seem embarrassed, unlike me. Or... he hid it well. He flashed a second smile, and I looked away so as not to meet his gaze. I was thrilled with joy. So, he also worked during the day here!

``Sorry, I-I shouldn't have said it out loud..´´ I tried to justify myself, and then he took the book gently in my hands and said, ``No need to justify yourself. Rather, darling, may I know the name of the pretty customer who visited me today?´´

Oh.

Oh.

Darling. Pretty.

I realized too late that he had used the term pretty. My brain seemed caught up in a moment of panic, anxiety, and a thousand other emotions combined. So I told him my name, softly, shy like him, and he repeated it, as if he wanted to savor it, trying to taste it. Did he like him? Did he find it cute?

I didn't even realize that his lips were moving, and my ears were ringing.

``Sorry, what?´´ I asked.

``Do you... want to pay?´´

I nodded, letting my lips curl up in a half smile. Not because I didn't want to. Not because he made me uncomfortable. But he was just too good to be true. It was a dream. A fairy tale.

So he accompanied me to the cash register and scanned the book, while in my head there was only one question: should I have invited him out?

I seemed rushed, and I would have come across as a creep. However, I could always say that we could hang out like friends do, and to get to know each other better. Not to get straight to the point... right?

Then he handed me the bag with the book inside and I held it close to me, only the words died in my mouth and there was an all too awkward silence.

``There's a beautiful spring air outside, huh, darlin'? It's not usual in London to have these beautiful days´´ he chuckled ``The weather is always so uncertain, and dressing in layers is the best solution, isn't it?´´

``Absolutely,´´ I replied, ``have you worked here long?´´

``To be honest, not long ago. I lost my job. At the British Museum. And, uh, I used to work as a cashier then too. No, well, I was more of a gift shoppist.´´

``You liked it?´´ I ventured.

``No.´´ his was a quick answer, convinced of what he was saying, ``My dream was to work as a tour guide. You know, I have a passion for Egypt. The myths of that civilization in particular. But hey, I don't mind surely the others!´´ He added quickly. In his sentence, I could sense a bit of sadness. Like a dream now too far away to reach.

``I like them too, although ancient Greece will always hold a special place in my heart.´´ I smiled to myself, and he smiled back, as if he understood my passion. His eyes warmed me once again. He really did have beautiful hazel eyes, reminiscent of autumn.

``Who doesn't like Ancient Greece? You must be just a red flag after all!´´ We burst into laughter together, as if he had told the funniest joke in the world.

And then, other customers entered the bookshop, and Steven followed them inside with the eyes, then landed them on me again, giving me an apologetic smile.

``Oh, darlin', I'd love to chat a bit more with you, but y'know, my job...´´

``It's fine, Steven!´´ It was my first time using his name. It sounded like a melody.

``Yeah, I'm looking forward to meeting you again.´´ He moved away from the cash register, awkwardly, and smiled another time, waving, whispering a bye-bye. He turned around and welcomed the new customers, who seemed curious about that man by them. There was no other choice left for me, so I passed by him and muttered a quick "bye-bye, Steven" to leave and go home.

▪︎☆°

Tossing around my keys and coat, I instantly reached for the bag and ripped it open to find not only one book but another one. One that I had not imagined would be in the bag, nor thought. The cover was shining in bright orange colours, and the drawing showed a beautiful figure of a girl, with long air, tinned by the cover's colours.

``Ariadne´´ I read out loud. Could have Steven given that to me by mistake? I paid just for the book I was looking for. It was a mistake. Curiosity took the best of me. So I opened the first book page and found some notes on the inside, written in a stylish handwriting. The ink was red, and had no spots around it. I could read:

«To the Ariadne of my dreams,

I hope you enjoy this little present of my mine. The golden princess haunting my dreams.

With love, your Theseus.»

«P.S. You can find my number written on a Post-it inside the book. I would love to give you a proper princess treatment. Go out on a date with me? :D»

No. Fucking. Way. At all.

[lindentreeisle]

Raz died a week ago today

I'd inadvertently turned my ringer off, but I picked up the phone and the text I'd received said "There is an emergency and I can't get in touch with you or your emergency contact. Please call me back." I've never received a text like that. I knew the news was more likely to be about my bird than my cat, and I knew it was going to be devastating.

On Christmas Day, they told me, she was chirping and seemed normal. On the 26th, she was motionless on her side on the bottom of the cage. I had them send me photos. I had them promise to freeze her for me since I wasn't due home til the 31st. Then I broke down and sobbed before cleaning myself up so I could go out in the living room and break down again as I told my parents and brother and a pair of family friends what had happened.

There's no sign on her body or in the cage of what could have killed her. Even if I got a vet to agree to a necropsy I'd probably never know for sure. It could have been a virus, or bacteria, or nothing at all. She was 9 and a half, which is late middle age if not old for a budgie. It might have been something that if I'd been there, I would have seen the symptoms and acted- birds hide illness even better than cats, and close observation is often the only way to realize something is wrong. But I might not have. It's quite possible that if I'd been home, I would have been the one walking into the house after work or a night's sleep or a trip to visit a friend and finding her dead.

I don't feel guilty for not being there; I'm honestly glad that it wasn't me that found her. Stupidly, the thing I felt guilty about was that the week before I left on my trip, she'd barely gotten any out of cage time because I'd been so preoccupied by work stress, emotional stress, and some pain issues I was struggling with. I felt bad leaving her to spend all day every day in the cage while I was out of town, and I promised that when I got home I would spend some quality time with her.

I'm glad I was with my family when I found out: I had distractions, people to talk to and hug, reassurance that even when we were just hanging out in the same room with our separate pursuits, I wasn't alone. By the time I flew out on Sunday, I thought I was as ready to go home as I was going to be. The thought of cleaning out her cage no longer broke me into pieces. I had researched crematories. I was still looking often at pictures and videos of Raz, but I no longer cried continuously while I did it; I was able to look at them with fondness instead of just fixating on the fact that I would never hear that call, see that behavior, ever again. I was starting to think about getting more birds and looking at breeders; the idea of cleaning out Raz's things felt more bearable when I thought of it as preparing for future tenancy rather than clearing away the remains of a life.

Sitting in the airport and then on the plane, I was full of anxiety and dread, which seemed out of proportion to what I was facing.

The first thing I did after turning on the lights and putting down my luggage was to go to the freezer and examine her, because I had to know if there were any obvious signs of what killed her. When I've euthanized cats, I was holding them when they still died. Maybe it's that slow transition of the body from something alive to something clearly dead that makes holding it at that moment so painful. Raz was the first pet I'd seen dead without experiencing the death. It wasn't hard or even really sad: it wasn't her, she wasn't there. It was when I walked upstairs and into the back bedroom (her room, my office) that I burst into tears, looking into her empty cage.

I didn't sleep until 4 am, when I was too exhausted to feel sad any more. A friend chatted with me on the phone for most of it, keeping me company. Yesterday I kept the grief at bay by keeping busy: breaking down some old furniture I'm throwing out, cleaning out the cage, throwing away the toys too worn to reuse or impossible to sterilize, washing and boiling the ones I decided to keep. Trying to think ahead, not back. I even managed to collect all my photos and videos of her from their various sources and make sure all were backed up in two locations.

Grief can be delayed, but not denied. Not when the house itself, which Raz has lived in as long as I have, is a reminder of loss. I come home through the backyard after dark and the light in the back bedroom is off- because Raz doesn't live there any more. I start up the stairs and want to call out "hey birben!" and hear her call back, but I can see the back bedroom door is ajar and the room is dark- because Raz doesn't live there any more. I get up in the morning and want to go to the bedroom and pull the cover off her cage, saying "good morning, smallest friend!"- but Raz doesn't live there any more. At 10 pm it's bird bedtime and I want to cover the cage, turn off the lights, and hear the chorpling that only happens when she settles down to sleep- but Raz doesn't live here any more.

I don't know how to live in this house without her in it. I don't know how to sit at this desk in my back bedroom without her sitting next to me. I don't know how to exist in total silence without her friendly chatter- yells and shrieks of outrage or excitement, sharp chirps to greet or check on me, soft "nheck"s of affection and acknowledgement, gentle squeaking when I was nearby and she was thoroughly happy.

I have people who will talk to me, keep me company, try to comfort me, when I need them. I'm grateful. But it doesn't ease this unshakeable sense of absence, the sadness that comes from the near-constant reminders that despite Marduk's company, despite the support of friends and family, I've lost something that I valued immensely but have only now realized was a much larger part of my life than I had fully appreciated.

I just miss my friend.

[cherriko-art]

I just want to thank the Tumblr community from the bottom of my heart for helping me find joy in drawing again. For helping me find art a little less scary with every comment I get. And to remind people, once again, how much of an impact positive engagement has for creators, no matter how small or big.

Long, midnight ramble on my struggles with art below.

Late night thoughts, but lately my motivation for drawing has been rekindled as a way to release the brain rot on the fandoms and games I've loved recently. I lost my love for art for a really, really long time and for someone who's been drawing since I could pick up a pencil, and has identified as an artist my entire life, literally witnessing myself lose my love for art and drawing has been a really painful process. Especially since it happened over a relatively short period of time. Over 20 years of loving and creating art, only to be extinguished in just a small period of 2 years. When I came to a sudden realization that I hated drawing, I mourned over it for a really long time. I missed the joy I got from drawing, the pride in my art, the passion to learn and hone my skills. I used to think I could never imagine a future where I wasn't constantly thinking about the next thing I wanted to draw, but now I am living that future. Art is never on my mind anymore. I try to draw and I become filled with anxiety and dread. There's not a single thought about picking up my pencil and creating. The only things I had drawn in the last 4 years were for zines and it felt like work, not joy. Drawing felt like a job, and it stopped being the center of my universe. I stopped being active on social media, bc I was only on here for art. But even looking at other people's art left a bitter taste, and I didn't want to look at any of it anymore. Several times over the last few years I've tried to rekindle my love for art, tried starting small again. But it always fizzled out quickly, and I'd abandon it again. Sometimes I scroll through my Instagram and it hurts to look at, because I distinctly remember how much joy I got from drawing every single piece, what my thought process was, and how excited I felt in creating. It's been so long since I've felt happiness in drawing.

Lately, I've drawn some things bc my emotions for the brain rots in my head were Too Big and I couldn't think of releasing these big emotions in anything other than what I know. In art. I just drew something, didn't think too hard abt it, and posted them. Like barfing your overwhelming feelings on paper then throwing it away. But the engagement I've gotten on these emotional-dump drawings have been so wonderful, no matter how small or big, and it's made me so happy. Very specifically from Tumblr. Tumblr has reminded me what it's like to actually interact with fandoms again. Instagram/Twitter/etc has become such a competitive platform for content creators, that any sense of (the minimal) community and fandom interactions have been completely wiped out. But Tumblr has stayed true to it's roots through all these years and never have I been more grateful.

For the first time in years, I'm excited to draw again. I actually want to draw. I finished multiple drawings in the last 2 weeks, more than I have in years. Instead of feeling numb and exhausted after drawing like I had been, I'm actually filled with adrenaline and excitement to draw more. I'm excited to participate in fandoms again, engage in communities. This is all because other people's positive engagements on my little drawings have motivated me to draw more.

Drawing has become a very daunting, anxiety-filled, unpleasant experience for me. I lost my love for art years ago. But the positive engagement in my recent art has pushed away some of that anxiety, and it's becoming increasingly easier for me to pick up that pencil again. Drawing is starting to feel fun again. I don't know how long this will last, if it will fizzle out like it has time and time again. I don't know if art will turn back into the Big, Bad Monster again. But for now, I'm just relishing in the feeling of art feeling like freedom again. And I have the Tumblr community to thank for that.

So for everyone on here, thank you.

[justsomeoneintoomanyfandoms]

Hii!! I saw your requests and was hoping to jump on the train:>

Could i get matchups for sk8 the infinity and/or genshin impact? (I'd love to see both, but please know just one is okay!! I'm grateful for any work you're willing to put in)

My pronouns are she/her & I'm pansexual!! If it helps any i do tend to prefer more dominant/intimidating types

My zodiac is Capricorn & my MBTI is INFP:> (a goofy mix, right? Hehe, it often throws off a lot of people, saying i don't seem like your stereotypical capricorn.)

For my appearance, I'm 18 so pretty young XD

My hair is long and a light dirty blonde, reaching down to my lower back, I prefer to keep it down. I'm white, and my eyes are hazel (green and brown mix, since I know theres a few options there).

I'm pretty tall! I'm 5'8, and I'm also really slim! I can't help it, my metabolism is very high and i also dance a lot. I have a lot of piercings too! For facial piercings, i have snakebites & my left eyebrow pierced, all with small silver jewelry (if your curious to my jewelry, my lip has small silver horseshoes, and i have a small silver barbell in my eyebrow.)

My ears are, of course, pierced too. On the left side i have two piercings in my earlobe and on my right side i have two ear lobe piercings and a cartilage piercing near the top. (Fun fact! I had an industrial bar on the left, but after it came out one time i never put it back in. The reason being a keloid scar i have there.)

If you'd also wish to know my typical daily wear, i usually wear leggings and a comfy tee. I usually only have my facial piercings & cartilage piercing in lately because I don't have any discreet jewelry for my ears:> no makeup here!

Personality is pretty cheery, as you could probably guess lol. I actually have really bad social anxiety though! Luckily, with my new meds & years of therapy, I'm starting to be a little better. Unfortunately, I'm still essentially agoraphobic.

Once i get to know someone though I'm super happy to chat! Whether that be me rambling to fill the silence (i do this a lot, i can enjoy a comfortable silence but i often find myself sharing small, insightful stories.) I get pretty silly once we're close, too. Although, only within the other persons comforts (eg. I might play fight more with someone who isn't sensitive to touch than someone who is, although i don't actually play fight much lol just needed an example.)

I'm stubborn too! My thoughts are my own and i will not allow someone to force their opinions on me (yes, i will still take advice and criticism, just not a senseless "the way I feel is the only right choice.")

Another note is that I'm often told I'm very kind! I care deeply for those around me, and if i think it's warranted I'll easily lend my help, even to a complete stranger. I also often choke down my anxiety/panic to compliment people when I'm out, just to brighten their day a little

On mental illnesses that may provide you insight on my personality: i also have ADHD! i forget stuff a lot, and i get distracted easily when something catches my eye

For likes/dislikes, I've been doing ballet since i was 2! Now, I'm also doing so many other styles, including lyrical, jazz, hiphop & tap! I'm also teaching acro to young children:)

I write as a hobby, and i enjoy drawing/art!

For dislikes, I'm super sensitive to others emotions, an empath. Large crowds are easily overwhelming, and i can become overwhelmed if too much is happening at once too

My hobbies also include reading! And playing the flute, i think I went to about pre- professional level classes. Now, i play in my free time for fun

Sorry if this is really long!! And tysm if you get to this🙏

Have a good day/night!! Be sure to rest lots and eat well<33

Hi Ilayda! Thank you for your request! Sorry it took so long. I hope you like your matchups!

In Sk8 the Infinity, I match you with...

Joe likes that you’re talkative and cheery. He deals with Cherry’s stoic attitude so much, you’re a nice change of pace.

Also likes play fighting with you. He banters with you the same way he does Cherry and doesn’t mind gently roughhousing on occasion. He won’t go much further than hair ruffling though. The last thing he wants to do is actually hurt you.

Since you’re good with kids, please help him out with Reki, Langa, and Miya. Sure, they might be a bit older than the kids you’re used to dealing with but they like you and Joe isn’t going to say no to having a bit less on his hands.

Please play the flute for him sometimes. He would love it if you provide the musical ambiance for his restaurant but won’t pressure you if you feel too shy to. He’s more than happy to have you play just for him as well.

Joe will help you avoid large crowds. If you want to watch him at S, he’ll find a nice quiet spot for you where you can watch the race.

In Genshin Impact, I match you with...

Social anxiety? Itto’s never heard of it. Please explain to him what makes you anxious and how you feel so he can better understand how to help you avoid those situations.

He certainly understands what it’s like to be easily distracted. But you have different things that distract you so most of the time, if one of you gets distracted, the other will be able to pull them back on the right track.

Please teach him how to dance. Itto has shocking rhythm and he’ll never be great at dancing but he wants to dance with you so teaching him the basics will help with that.

Dancing with Itto would be a wild time. WHat he lacks in rhythm and coordination, he more than makes up for in enthusiasm.

Loves that you like helping others. He’s got a tough exterior but in his heart he’s a sweet boy and he’s so glad you’re the same.

[estro-boi]

cw suicide (not mine, I'm just venting), cw abuse

in 2017 i moved in with a girl because nobody would rent to her on her own. we were good friends and i knew full well that we wouldn't be by the time i moved out. given that she would be homeless otherwise, i did it. she made multiple suicide attempts during this period, each of which is seared into my memory. the first time she went into my room and stole all my benzos trying to overdose (thankfully benzos alone are pretty hard to die from unless you fall down the stairs or something). it was like 4am. she then demanded that i give her more (there were no more, she didn't believe me) or she'd leave and kill herself and it would be my fault. the second time she texted me the note while i was at work and i had to spend 45 minutes on public transport terrified that there was a corpse waiting for me at the end. when i got there someone had called an ambulance so my home was full of paramedics and cops. the bathtub was full of blood and she needed to get a ton of stitches at the hospital. i couldn't bring myself to put my arm in the tub and drain it so until she came home i couldn't go for a piss without seeing it and thinking about what i very nearly came back to. the third time she spent maybe a fortnight telling me she was going to kill herself on her birthday and if i told anyone or tried to stop her then she'd do it earlier. she'd sit in her room blasting the same incredibly depressing song over and over for two straight weeks while i just sat in bed hearing it through the wall and crying and not knowing what to do. one time she left a note and took some rope and disappeared in the middle of the night and i was searching through the woods in pitch darkness for over an hour trying to find her, again terrified that i'd get there too late. there were a bunch more incidents like this.

this was 18 months of my life, 18 months of constant hypervigilance for any kind of slight change in tone or behaviour that might indicate something was about to happen again. being the only other person around, her anger and frustration would get projected onto me, manifesting as constant emotional manipulation and abuse. any problems i had were a personal insult because i hadn't gone through what she'd been through. anything i did, literally as far as buying food for her dog because he'd run out, would turn into hours-long struggle sessions where every aspect of my character was torn to shreds. accusations that i was some kind of predator who'd only moved in because i was trying to fuck her came up a lot.

i got deeper into pills, i was getting shitfaced every night, i wasn't socialising, i was barely sleeping. by the end i was literally just staring at the walls silently because i was scared to do anything else. i couldn't leave because she had no means of supporting herself and the added stress might have been the final straw that killed her. even after she told me to leave, i kept paying rent for months because she couldn't afford it. she spent those months texting me more abuse, telling me on one occasion that I should kill myself.

there's no real point to this, i just need to vent it somewhere. it's been 5 years since i moved out and im still paralysed with anxiety whenever i do anything. i can't go to shows anymore, i can't meet people, im silent all the time because im scared to make noise. i freak out if im doing anything and i can hear someone talking because im afraid that i'll seem like im ignoring them, which was a massive flashpoint in that house. i barely leave the house to do anything. i feel like i haven't relaxed in years, im constantly on edge now because i had to be back then as a matter of life and death.

i never got any closure in any of this. i think about this girl every single day when some horrible memory or other bubbles up in my brain. i can close my eyes right now and see the bathtub where she slashed her wrists. i can see her at my bedroom door yelling at me to give her drugs that i didn't have. i don't know if she's alive. i can't talk to anybody about it. i tried to help my friend and it ruined my life.

[phanfictioncatalogue]

Cuddles (8) Masterlist

part one, part two, part three, part four, part five, part six

a new state of mind (ao3) - sunflowerwitches

Summary: the morning of dan's thirtieth birthday

A Sleepless Night With Phil (ao3) - Not_Dans_Secret_Account

Summary: A jet-lagged Sleepless Night With Phil

and they were (not) roommates (ao3) - dakogutin

Summary: dan wakes up in the hufflepuff dorms

Come home (ao3) - minev

Summary: Domestic, so beautifully domestic. It's the simple things in life. The dancing on the balcony, the kissing in front of the Christmas tree, the cuddles from behind and doing the washing together. These things make life so enjoyable. Sometimes the simple things in life make you realise why you’re still living.

comforts of home (ao3) - possumdnp

Summary: Dan and Phil always feel cozy and content when they visit the north. Especially after it’s been almost two years.

(Or, them snuggling in Phil’s parents’ guest room bed and reflecting on life.)

do you feel it too? (ao3) - heartsopenminds

Summary: A bad break-up has left Phil scared of getting his heart broken again. He’s not ready to date, but he’s missing the easy affection of a long-term relationship.

Cuddle therapy might be the perfect way to get what he needs, with no strings attached. But what happens when that’s no longer enough?

go your own way (I'd give you my world) (ao3) - itsmyusualphannie (itsmyusualweeb)

Summary: “I’m Dan,” said Dan.

Phil could not look away from him. He thought that Dan was probably the prettiest boy he had ever seen. “I’m Phil,” he said back, because it was polite to introduce oneself to people, otherwise they would remain a stranger. “Phil Lester.”

And so they became friends.

or: a Forrest Gump AU where Phil slowly falls for his best friend as the years go by, but Dan loses himself to the world and his past.

good things (ao3) - lyricallyharley

Summary: Dan can't sleep, so he indulges Phil in some late night cuddles and a little game.

Hold me in the darkness (ao3) - Archive (Curlylinguist)

Summary: Even after the move, Dan still gets anxiety dreams about Norman. Fortunately, as always, Phil is there to comfort him.

It's home (ao3) - Tarredion

Summary: A day in the life of Dan and his smitten ice-cream vendor boyfriend Phil, living on the coast of Connemara, Ireland

Lazy Cuddles (ao3) - intoapuddle

Summary: a fic based on the lazy days comic by usagi!

Of Racing Hearts and Weighted Blankets (ao3) - hygge

Summary: Phil wakes up with anxiety coursing through his body and finds that Dan is a pretty good weighted blanket.

Other (ao3) - philsmeatylegss

Summary: Phil’s journey of being gay except it’s completely made up by me

soft (ao3) - sierraadeux

Summary: Phil still can't really believe how soft the material of his Tarot shirt is. He can't really believe how good it looks on Dan.

Together Again (ao3) - LivingVicarioslyThroughDaydreams

Summary: This is Dan’s moment, and Phil is more than happy to let him have this time. So when Dan calls every night, gushing with energy and excitement, Phil doesn’t tell him how he wants to be with him, how he misses him so much. He only smiles and laughs along and tells Dan how proud of him he is.

But now Dan is coming home, back to him. He almost feels selfish with how excited he is. Today though, he’ll allow it. Dan has had his time to find himself, but today: today will be just for them. Together again.

(Phil's perspective on missing Dan and being reunited with him)

We balance each other out on the seesaw of life (ao3) - natigail

Summary: Phil had dragged Dan to Isle of Man after his return home from tour. The sea air would do him good (even if it gave him hobbit hair) and he could be surrounded by Phil's family (who were his family too). He hadn’t actively planned to drag him onto a seesaw on a playground but it turned out to be a precious moment all the same.

Welcome home! (never leave that long again) (ao3) - natigail

Summary: Dan comes home from tour and stumbles right into Phil’s arms. He is more touch starved than he’d realised.

When Jokes Go Too Far (ao3) - blissedoutphil

Summary: "i hate men but i want them to touch me"

- actual Dan on twitter

so this fic is based on that lmao

When You Leave Me (I'm Not Going Anywhere) (ao3) - fisshhhh

Summary: Sometimes the thoughts are just too much. Sometimes Dan breaks. Sometimes he finds himself drowning on the kitchen floor, unwilling to ask for help and too insecure to think that anyone would want to help him anyway. Luckily, Phil loves him.

Set in 2009 or early 2010, shortly after they met.

Basically, Dan has a panic attack and Phil is there for him. A little dark but with a fluffy ending.

[katyusha454]

I had a fucked-up nightmare about Shar and now I'm going to inflict it on Tumblr

gonna slap a CW on this because Shar is The Worst™ and there's some pretty disturbing stuff under the cut

In the dream I was me, except it turned out I wasn't who I thought I was. I was a former Sharran who'd defected and fled through a magic portal to Earth to escape Shar's wrath, then used the last of my magic to re-write my own memories so I could live a normal life. This worked fine until playing BG3 started to trigger repressed memories, and remembering that Shar was real somehow allowed her to find me and drag me back to Faerûn. And she was not happy about all these un-Sharran opinions I'd developed from living on Earth. I wasn't important to her the way Shadowheart was, so she didn't use the "complete memory wipe plus magic shock collar" approach that she did with Shadowheart because I wasn't worth the effort of fully reprogramming. Instead she gave me a bunch of magic tattoos that would allow her to control me, and told me that if I ever stepped out of line again she'd force me to kill myself. And she reminded me that in the Forgotten Realms, if you swear to serve a god and then betray them without joining a new religion, when you die the god of the dead will consider you Faithless and False and sentence you to eternal torture. That was such a frightening prospect to me that I "willingly" chose to serve Shar again because at least oblivion was preferable to torture. Then she dropped me at the cloister in Baldur's Gate and told the Mother Superior to re-train me. Somehow this was taking place before the events of BG3 so Shadowheart was still living at the cloister but I didn't tell her any of what I knew because I didn't want to risk pissing off Shar. The dream gets real fuzzy and I don't remember what all I did while I was there but I know I did some awful things and felt guilty about it. I never tried to befriend Shadowheart because I didn't want to risk letting her know about something she wasn't supposed to know about or that hadn't happened yet. Eventually I got assigned to Shadowheart's team that went to steal the prism from the Githyanki and I was captured by mind flayers along with Shadowheart. The dream ended with her and I trying to escape from the nautiloid.

I think one of the scariest parts was just being around Shadowheart at the end, because I knew every possible outcome but I couldn't risk telling her any of it and I was agonizing over how to handle everything that was to come. I figured it was too late for anyone to save me from Shar but there was still a chance to save her, but I couldn't be the one to do it. Would I be able to get away with just keeping quiet and letting her make her own decisions, or would Shar want me to actively step in? And how the FUCK was I going to explain my own situation to everyone once we inevitably got outed as Sharrans? Would explaining things by itself be enough to anger Shar? How much attention was Shar actually paying to what I did? It gave me so much anxiety.

And I'm not sure if this was actually explained to me in the dream or if I just came up with the idea myself while thinking about it after waking, but I think the reason Shar didn't mind-wipe me was that she knew that even though I was resigned to my fate my spirit wasn't 100% broken yet. She wanted me to dwell on everything I'd lost and she knew that if she let me wallow in my sorrows long enough eventually I'd beg her to take my memories away once I'd lost that last little glimmer of hope. She wanted me to ask her for it. The only thing Shar ever explicitly forced on me was dragging me back to Toril; everything else was, to quote Raphael, "you're free to choose the only option you have left". It was technically true that "only the willing may know the Lady's embrace", but she had a very, shall we say, "flexible" definition of "willing".

[making-use-of-a-brain]

Cognitive Distortions (Long Writing/Vent)

I'm in my therapist's office. It's half-past-noon; the clock is exactly fifty-two minutes fast. I know because Kathy left to get a printout and in the thirty seconds she was gone, I frantically pulled out my phone and did the math, because I hate this place and I want to count down every single fucking second until I can be out of here.

I really fucking hate this place.

Kathy hands me the printout. COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS: MIND-READING. We go over it. Kathy reminds me of a teacher I had in middle school: "Here's a piece of paper you can read with your own eyeballs. Emotions are not facts. Read it. Read it again. I'll remind you emotions are not facts. Now I'm going to read it aloud to you in the most paint-drying, grass-growing voice God has ever given to someone. By the way, emotions are not facts. Now I'm going to reiterate every point on the page. Did I mention that emotions are not facts?"

I nod and smile and try not to say "I guess," because to me it's a filler phrase to diffuse tension but to her it's a sign I'm holding something back. In her defense, I usually am, but if I'm not planning on saying it, waterboarding couldn't get it out of me. Her repeated asking doesn't stand a chance.

Anyway, there's nothing on the page I haven't tried before. Besides, how am I supposed to know the line between being a decent person with some semblance of empathy -- emphasis on semblance, by the way, because I'm faking it, I think -- and COGNITIVE DISTORTION: MIND-READING. If you don't think about the little signals people drop to key you in to how they feel behind their polite façade, then you're an inconsiderate brat. If being considerate takes effort and you put in that effort, then you have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. A fella can't win, but I've made my choice: the latter seems less harmful.

Later, I'm sitting at my computer, idling in a group chat with two of my favorite people. They're married. And thirty. I can count the number of people who actually regularly text me back on one hand, and they're two of 'em. Except one of them has been quiet lately. I think he dislikes me. That makes two of us. I think he isn't telling me because his wife happens to want to keep me around. Her reasoning is beyond me.

I can't decide whether the idea feels like death itself or if I'm okay with it because I don't need either of them and if he has a problem with me, that's his problem and he can bring it up directly.

What I can decide is that the latter half of that dilemma makes me feel awful inside. He's my friend. Or, if my suspicions are right, he was my friend. Who gives a shit about past tense? He was good to me. He helped me. I wish I'd gotten the chance to return the favor. Maybe returning the favor looks something like leaving him the fuck alone.

Maybe returning the favor looks something like telling his wife we can't be friends anymore, because I'm a messed up person and I know it's only a matter of time before I mess up irreparably badly and cause more collateral damage than I can ever hope to make up for, and I probably won't even feel that bad about it. Now that I think about it, she's been quiet, too.

Maybe returning the favor looks something like going to sleep and never waking up.

Kathy would tell me that's all COGNITIVE DISTORTION: MIND-READING, maybe with a side of CATASTROPHIZING.

But Kathy's not here right now. My conscience is, though, and it's telling me that deep down, I'm just wired a little wrong. It's nobody's fault, but it is my responsibility to not be obnoxious. To not be a problem. To not be a crisis anyone else has to deal with. It's telling me that I have to earn my keep and, if I can't do that, then I have to take my leave and find someone else to go all parasite on until they can't take it anymore and the cycle starts all over again. That, or I could stop altogether, I guess.

Easier said than done, though.

[peenybobini]

12/21/23

It's almost Christmas and it doesn't feel real but I know that happens every year

At least this year I watched almost every holiday movie I wanted to and it was A LOT

Dylan watched love actually with me a few days ago and it was so much fun

Season 45 of survivor ended yesterday, one of my favorite seasons in a long long time we had an absolute blast watching it

I'm getting super hyser aware of my teeth and idk why, I have GOT to see a dentist and soon, maybe stop smoking this new year and start doing whitening strips but I know myself and fat fucking chance tbh

I love Dylan I'm so happy most of the time

Sex has been more frequent and more fun, I'm hurting less being more active, have made so much money this month but unfortunately it's all gone elsewhere for Christmas and I randomly had a shit ton of stuff run out all at the same time but I feel like I'll be able to afford everything easy? Idk I may have miscalculated but I'm just rolling with it

Peter and I said I fucking love you to each other for the first time after being friends for like 6 years or something crazy last night when he was kinda messed up and needed support. He always apologizes a lot and I try to let him know it's nothing to be embarrassed about, and I get it, Dylan's really the person I can talk to about any and everything and I feel like I might be that person for Peter and it just isn't the same and I get it. Idk though man's got his problems and can be fucked up sometimes but I really do care for him so much and I can only hope I can break him out of his shell and encourage him enough so he can start meeting girls romantically!!! Maybe I should offer that like dude let's hit a virtual fucking life makeover? Idk it'll have to waait, checked in today cause I know he goes radio silent any time h gets vulnerable, but he was okay for sure it just might be a few days which sucks but it is what it is lord knows I've disappeared on the guy more than a few times

And then Cailee's struggling bad right now with not being able to find a job, and she's still dating Juan who god bless him I don't fucking like and think he is so mean to her for no reason but for some reason he holds all the power in the relationship? Feel like sometimes he manipulates her extreme anxiety to his benefit, but I'm not around them enough to totally deduce that. Definitely hard for me to mind my business and be like okay o hope he does leave because cuck that guy come live with me and dylan and Jack and let's get a huge house and maybe you guys will fall in love and it'll be perfect and the commune can begin but obviously not going to happen.

Communication with Cheyenne is always so stilted lately, have been trying to make plans since September but since I've been out of commission obviously with the breakage I think it ends up being a free out in her mind which is like fine. Idk I feel jealous of her and Jonathan even though I know shit for them sucks sometimes too? Seeing the Christmas card they sent us just kind of ignited something in me and I'm tired of not being married and I'm tired of not having a baby. And i really really want to at least start that process in the next couple of years but idk if there will ever not be a part of me that feels like that's a huge mistake? God shit is so complicated all the time

And I fucking miss summer. I miss her so much. I can't believe we've fallen off this hard. I'm always being left hanging. I knew to expect it and I try not to take it personal but goddamn, it hurts so, so bad. I really thought we'd be able to make it past not working together, I just feel like we got along on so many levels I don't with any of my other friends. I feel like we were so alike in so many ways but were we just mirroring each other? I don't think so. I wish I never said that shit to Dylan, I think it completely fucked up any chance of our friendship lasting forever. I only hope and can wonder if one day when he's further out of the BPD bubble I'd I'd be able to explain it to him where he'd listen. That I truly was just trying to appease, and make my situation okay, and thought I was going to die or end up killing my self because the pain was so bad. What a dark fucking time in my life dude I can't believe i survived that shit. Or that our relationship did. I hope Josh is nice to her and makes her feel loved and doesn't rely on her to do everything for him forever, I don't think I'll ever live a day where I don't consider her my best friend, despite all the I mean let's call it what it is absolute bullshit she's put me through

Idk I feel like that's dramatic I don't think I mean it. I just miss her, it sucks getting close to another new friend only to be totally ghosted on once we stop working together. Again. I guess it's a lesson though? Idk I feel like the way my business is going I'll likely not have any coworkers again really. If I can figure out how to avoid the annoying bitches I rent with currently.

And I'm so sick of everybody trying to give me business advice and idk why it bothers me so much either? Ego thing?

Also I've been having so many sex dreams lately, a Bob Odenkirk one that was kind of sweet honestly but that makes sense as I've been thinking about him a lot lately because I just finished better call Saul and absolutely loved it and think he is so cute, and an Adam driver one that was super weird, lots of free falling but also flying? Definitely close to a lucid dream I felt like I was making my own decisions they were just absolutely bonkers, like being in a mall, zombies coming, fighting with Adam driver, looking into the sky and "allowing myself to fly by letting go" was what the feeling was. And then I'd get up there and if I tried to land on whatveee the fucking aircraft was everybody was in I'd start falling immediately. Don't ask me where sex fit into this because I truly don't know lmao, I just remember being in a place I knew was his apartment and arguing and then we started and fucking and it was less sweet more hot, it's probably been all those Girls clips showing up on my tiktok page.

Dylan and I had awesome sex today also, probably the best in a minute. I wish I felt like making out with him I miss it so much, idk how to bring up his breath though without hurting his feelings. But I really miss kissing, it doesn't seem like he does though. It reminds me of when I first started staying over with him again in denton when he was still talking to Veronica. Like first first. Super weird thoughts as like he reminded me a week or so ago. But then I'm like does my breath stink? Has his always smelled this bad? Is something wrong or am I just gross and don't care?n idk im gonna have to bring it up at some point and it just sucks that i have to.

And I love my body and it sucks that I've been feeling so weird and off about it lately. Trying to be extra mindful to push those thoughts away when they start but it's hard. I think it's the physical therapy and all the mirrors and feeling gross with the way I walk now. Idk. Gotta push those thoughts aside it doesn't fucking matter and I love my body and I feel beautiful I really really do. And I don't feel like I need anybody to tell me that anymore. Please god let me get my fucking hair done on Sunday like I'm supposed to please please please

Manifesting twice as much business next year!! I can do it!! Everything is amazing and beautiful and life is going so well for me and it will never stop because of how capable and determined and just frankly fucking awesome I am!! I love myself!!

[off-duty-rmt]

The curse of being an only child with anxiety

I honestly do not know where to start. If you're reading this and you're in you late twenties like me, then say hello to childhood trauma. I've made this into a list to keep everything organized. I think the key here is to arrange each one in numerals and then add more. Whatever. No one is gonna read this blog post anyway. Be grammar Nazi if you want to. It doesn't matter anyway.

1. Wanting to be alone, CONSTANLY.

Because we're used to doing things alone. I would constantly beg to spend a lot of time by myself doing things that I like. Most of us are introverts. I have a plethora of hobbies and would always find time to learn more. One day, I want to be an interior designer, and then the next day, I'd want to be a music producer. And I tell you what, it is costing me a lot of money. There's just too many things to do whilst being alone and non of it (in most cases) includes socializing. Maybe I need to find a different that's actually gonna help me pay my ever increasing credit card bills lol.

2. Wanting to be alone while also craving human interaction and strong friendships.

Now I'm not saying I don't have friends because I do. I really do. But you can only count them by hand because trust me, even with social media and all, I really don't have a lot. Actually, I struggle with this one. It's as if I don't know how to be friendly. It's as if I feel that no body really wants to be friends with me. I would have these thoughts. Maybe I'm not friendly enough. Maybe it's my RBF. Maybe I'm not cool enough or maybe I am too cool that I become too intimidating. That, or I'm just a horrible person. I don't know.

3. Then the anxiety comes in.

I feel that nobody really wants me there (a lot of times). I don't feel this way around my closest friends, whom by the way are thousands of miles away from me. I feel hurt when I'm not included, parties, group chats, dine outs, etc. This has got to be one of my darkest ghosts. This drags me down all the time, the feeling of not being in the circle, the feeling of being left behind. Whenever there's an event wherein this happens, I would just crumble. All my demons suddenly becomes alive, and suddenly I'm this 4 year old child again, pushed to play with kids who treats me differently, who doesn't want me there because I'm not part of the family.

4. I feel alone with my demons.

It feels like I'm trapped with my thoughts and my demons when it becomes too quiet, or after I get triggered. And I have learned the hard way to never let people around me know about me feeling this because people can easily use this weakness against me and I wouldn't even know how to get out once I'm in that hole again. As a child I would just go into hiding whenever they would bully me, child or adult, I would always hide. My parents weren't really around most of the time because of work and so I have learned to go into defense mode all the time when people would threaten to hurt me. And so I would be in my own little box where I could escape them and feel safe. My only companions were my toys, the TV, and my grandma.

5. Saying goodbye.

I didn't have a lot of nice things whilst growing up, when I do, I protect them and treasure them. Same with people. That's why I would feel a sense of grief after losing something, or someone. I did not take it easy when my grandma died because that's where the depression started back when I was in my second year of college. I was around 17 at that time and boy was I depressed. I was in my lowest that I started to fail my classes and had to transfer to a different university. I had to say goodbye to my closest friends in at uni. And when I finally got transferred to a different university, that was one of the moments wherein I felt so lost and indifferent to almost everyone. I did not fail my subjects but I wasn't doing great. The only good thing about transferring was that I escaped from distraction by overly surrounding my self with a lot of people.

[gatheringbones]

["In January 2020, as sometimes happens to a freelancer, many of my cheques were late coming in. Concurrently, business fell off at the bar where I worked, and my hours were cut back.

With a reduced income, the money I desperately needed to pay rent delayed, and the territory gripped in a brutal cold snap that saw temperatures of -40 degrees Celsius for weeks on end, I found myself standing in front of the freezer in my basement apartment with the door open, counting Tupperware containers, overwhelmed with anxious desperation.

During the preceding months, I had built up a cache of meals by purchasing food when it was on sale, batch cooking, carefully portioning out the food, then freezing it into equally sized containers. I am not a polished cook, but I am a resourceful and inventive one, and there were a variety of meals to choose from: potato soup, caribou meatballs and rice, mac and cheese, and various casseroles. What I was doing, in counting them, was trying to determine how long I could go without buying groceries if I did not get paid soon. This was totally unnecessary; my cheques came in a week later, I made my rent and had money left over to buy groceries, even to make a minor repair to my vehicle. The fear of not having enough, however, the trauma of it, was so triggering that I suffered a minor, although short-lived, anxiety episode that rattled my carefully sheltered, recently recovered mental health.

What will I do if I ever get sick again? Will I be able to get the help I need? Will I fall through the cracks again?

Am I ever really safe?

As a working-class person, for-profit therapy is so far out of my reach as to be laughable.

Even when I worked as a full-time journalist for Yukon News, my salary was so low that I could not afford to pay the $125-$150 a for-profit therapist charges. Even at a sliding scale of seventy dollars an hour, if I were to see a for-pay therapist once a week, it would cost me an extra $280 a month— around 25 percent of what the one-bedroom apartment costs in Whitehorse.

It's worth noting, too, that in order to get care I've had to be mentally stable enough to advocate for it; I've had to be well enough to make follow-up phone calls, arrange appointments, and discuss my own care objectively, something that very unwell people can't reasonably do and that I certainly couldn't have done at certain points in my life. In order to be well enough for this, I've had to reach a state of not only emotional stability, but financial stability as well. As I've noted, for myself and many other working-class people, mental health is inherently tied to having enough money that you know you're not going to wake up and find the electricity has been cut, or knowing there's food in the fridge when you get home after work, or that you can pay your rent on time and aren't going to be evicted.

Prior to escaping my last cycle of mental health crisis and poverty in my early thirties, I'd spent my entire adult life unaware that my level of anxiety— my shaking hands and nausea, my hyper-aware, constant edginess, panic attacks that left me panting and crying and exhausted— is not normal. I'd thought everyone felt like they were drowning in a too-bright sea of never-ending noise and danger. I thought everyone was overwhelmed with the fear that the slightest misstep or most minor failure would send you careening towards unspeakable pain and an inevitable miserable death all the goddamn time.

If I had been able to access care, I firmly believe that I would have had a very different, arguably better life, one that has been denied to me because care was economically always out of my reach. I would not only be healthier, but happier.

Both poverty and mental health are about lack— lack of money, lack of dignity, lack of work, lack of meaning, lack of stability, lack of love. Treating them as separate issues ignores the fact that something is wrong with the way our system currently functions to create these social, economic, and environmental problems in the first place. A step to ensuring that I and other working-class people like me don't fall through the cracks again is to ensure that the same quality of mental health care is accessible to everyone, regardless of income. I'm always going to be afraid of losing what I've gained, economically and mentally. The hungry days are never really over."]

lori fox, from this has always been a war: the radicalization of a working-class queer, 2022