#but after a few positive interactions on my recent art my brain has now latched on again it is SO happy

[cherriko-art]

I just want to thank the Tumblr community from the bottom of my heart for helping me find joy in drawing again. For helping me find art a little less scary with every comment I get. And to remind people, once again, how much of an impact positive engagement has for creators, no matter how small or big.

Long, midnight ramble on my struggles with art below.

Late night thoughts, but lately my motivation for drawing has been rekindled as a way to release the brain rot on the fandoms and games I've loved recently. I lost my love for art for a really, really long time and for someone who's been drawing since I could pick up a pencil, and has identified as an artist my entire life, literally witnessing myself lose my love for art and drawing has been a really painful process. Especially since it happened over a relatively short period of time. Over 20 years of loving and creating art, only to be extinguished in just a small period of 2 years. When I came to a sudden realization that I hated drawing, I mourned over it for a really long time. I missed the joy I got from drawing, the pride in my art, the passion to learn and hone my skills. I used to think I could never imagine a future where I wasn't constantly thinking about the next thing I wanted to draw, but now I am living that future. Art is never on my mind anymore. I try to draw and I become filled with anxiety and dread. There's not a single thought about picking up my pencil and creating. The only things I had drawn in the last 4 years were for zines and it felt like work, not joy. Drawing felt like a job, and it stopped being the center of my universe. I stopped being active on social media, bc I was only on here for art. But even looking at other people's art left a bitter taste, and I didn't want to look at any of it anymore. Several times over the last few years I've tried to rekindle my love for art, tried starting small again. But it always fizzled out quickly, and I'd abandon it again. Sometimes I scroll through my Instagram and it hurts to look at, because I distinctly remember how much joy I got from drawing every single piece, what my thought process was, and how excited I felt in creating. It's been so long since I've felt happiness in drawing.

Lately, I've drawn some things bc my emotions for the brain rots in my head were Too Big and I couldn't think of releasing these big emotions in anything other than what I know. In art. I just drew something, didn't think too hard abt it, and posted them. Like barfing your overwhelming feelings on paper then throwing it away. But the engagement I've gotten on these emotional-dump drawings have been so wonderful, no matter how small or big, and it's made me so happy. Very specifically from Tumblr. Tumblr has reminded me what it's like to actually interact with fandoms again. Instagram/Twitter/etc has become such a competitive platform for content creators, that any sense of (the minimal) community and fandom interactions have been completely wiped out. But Tumblr has stayed true to it's roots through all these years and never have I been more grateful.

For the first time in years, I'm excited to draw again. I actually want to draw. I finished multiple drawings in the last 2 weeks, more than I have in years. Instead of feeling numb and exhausted after drawing like I had been, I'm actually filled with adrenaline and excitement to draw more. I'm excited to participate in fandoms again, engage in communities. This is all because other people's positive engagements on my little drawings have motivated me to draw more.

Drawing has become a very daunting, anxiety-filled, unpleasant experience for me. I lost my love for art years ago. But the positive engagement in my recent art has pushed away some of that anxiety, and it's becoming increasingly easier for me to pick up that pencil again. Drawing is starting to feel fun again. I don't know how long this will last, if it will fizzle out like it has time and time again. I don't know if art will turn back into the Big, Bad Monster again. But for now, I'm just relishing in the feeling of art feeling like freedom again. And I have the Tumblr community to thank for that.

So for everyone on here, thank you.

[noahlrsn-blog]

hello!! i’m sofia and i’ve never done a horror rp before, i’m p s y c h e d. anyway, below the cut is my way too long intro for noah!

tw: guns, knives, murder, violence in general, mental health stuff

Noah grew up in a pretty average suburban middle class family in Oregon, nothing special there. His parents got divorced, but he was far too young to understand what was going on at the time. He stayed with his dad and is fine with that.

While his dad was off working, he would mostly stay with his grandparents, who lived in the same house as them. His grandfather was an old war veteran who raised him a bit like a child friendly version of a drill sergeant.  It wasn't always easy, but Noah learned respect and self-discipline. He also tried to teach Noah how to stand up for himself, but Noah was never the most assertive kid out there. He tried his best.

His grandfather died of natural causes when he was in sixth grade, and it hit him hard, but he knew grandpa wouldn't have wanted him to mope around so he did his best to recover. He discovered art as an outlet for his emotions, so he started drawing and painting, and still hasn't stopped.

In junior high he started hanging with the artsy kids, resulting in a bit of an embarrassing emo phase. He'd never been a target of bullying before, but suddenly the other kids on the track team he joined started making fun of his fashion sense and claiming he was going to "shoot up the school." Deciding his grandpa wouldn't have wanted him to let this slide, he tried to stand up for himself, resulting in an argument that ended with him punching one of his tormentors in the face. He was suspended for a week and no one messed with him after that.

During that week of suspension, something snapped within him. If he hurt someone once, who was to say he wouldn't do it again? Every time he got into an argument with someone, he imagined punching them too, and the fear of that happening drove him to disengage as quickly as possible.

These strange intrusive thoughts became more and more graphic and absurd as he went into high school—he pictured himself attacking people unprovoked, bringing knives to school and stabbing his teachers, shooting up the school like everyone said he would, murdering his best friends in cold blood. He became absolutely terrified of these thoughts, and of himself for being capable of them. He was genuinely worried that he would someday snap and become a serial killer, and no matter what he did he couldn't ignore the thoughts or make them go away.

This fear drove him to distance himself from everyone around him, from his friends to his family. He got a reputation at school for being a weird loner type. His dad was getting remarried soon and assumed that Noah's odd behavior was because he was upset by that, but really Noah loved his new stepmom, he just avoided her to keep himself from hurting her.

In senior year of high school, the stress of moving off to college combined with an uncomfortable situation where he had to handle a knife to make dinner caused Noah to have particularly gruesome intrusive thoughts, resulting in a panic attack. He ended up calling the police on himself for "conspiracy to commit murder."

Obviously he wasn't actually planning to murder anyone, that was clear to everyone involved, by the incident did lead him to have a stay in a psychiatric hospital for evaluation. The therapists there determined that he had a bad case of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Specifically he had a brand of it colloquially known as "pure-O OCD", where instead of having obvious physical compulsions like organizing things or obsessive handwashing, his compulsions are mental, like rationalizing or pushing his thoughts away.

For those who don't know how OCD works, here's how it goes: Noah's brain has latched onto the absolute worst thing it can imagine (murdering people), and obsesses over it to keep it from ever happening, ever. This means that when Noah is in a position where he might be physically capable of doing something horrific, even if he has zero motivation to do so, his brain will bombard him with gruesome thoughts and the promise of life-ending consequences if he doesn't get the situation totally under control. To cope, he checks himself and/or avoids the situation to make sure there's no chance he does something bad, which is the compulsion part.

Anyway, he got some help that summer before going off to school. There aren't any good OCD specialists in Bernard University's area so he hasn't been continuing with talk therapy, but he has medication and continues therapy over the summer. He still has intrusive thoughts, but it's not ruining his life anymore, and he's been able to make friends. He's doing a lot better.

After that, his biggest worry was what he actually wanted to do when he graduated. Back in high school he taught himself programming because it was a career that didn't require him to interact with many people or work with dangerous tools, and was prepared for a career in computer science. But his heart really lies with art, despite it giving very few real career prospects. He's still not sure which to choose.

He was doing better OCD-wise, until Yolanda died. Ever since that day he's been worried that he was responsible for her death somehow; maybe his medication made him blank out and go on a murder rampage without knowing it. He recently stopped taking is medication out of fear that this was true, and ever since his obsessions have been getting worse and worse again.

And some more about his personality:

Noah's a really sweet guy. He's the best dude to call if you had a bad day and need someone to bring you a pizza and watch a movie with you at a moment’s notice.

He spent so much time isolating himself and being lonely in high school that he's happy to go the extra mile for the friends he has now, so you can count on him for big favors

The downside to that isolation is that he's a bit shy and awkward and has a rough time making friends in the first place.

Still, he afraid of getting too close to people and can be a bit emotionally unavailable. He just doesn't want people to find out about his intrusive thoughts and judge him for them

Oh yeah the OCD thing and the fact that he thinks he’s the arsonist is his secret btw

He ends up in a lot of one-sided relationships—he knows a lot about the other person and is involved in their life and helping them out, but they don't always know a lot about him. He's a secretive dude

He's also an artsy fuck who spends most of his free time painting. He doesn't like showing many other people his paintings though, they're too personal

tl;dr he's a puppy but someone's gotta break down his walls dammit

He's a new character concept for me so this is all I have so far, expect more stupid quirks in the future as he develops