#this means cis people stop having this conversation

[nururu]

I don't understand why there's such a pressure on representing your gender identity outwardly when it's literally so fucking dangerous. If you're brave enough good for you. If you have enough mental strength, good for you. But y'all need to stop taking that and using it as an example of how trans ppl should present themselves and then making them feel less than and invalid when they don't do it your way. It takes a lot of strength and a lot of bravery and a lot of mental strength, to be able to do that. Like an astronomical amount. Expecting everyone to have that ability is weird. And I know, logically, people don't expect that. When you actually sit down and have a nuanced conversation, everyone understands this.. but the way trans ppl who don't pass or don't outwardly represent a binary gender on their bodies, get invalidated and treated like they're not good enough bc they're not as brave as you,is ridiculous. It needs to stop.

[genderqueerdykes]

now that my post about breaking down one's idea of what a woman looks like has circulated for a while (thank you all), i'm now going to make this post, as i do not want people to derail that specific conversation, nor this one.

we also must break down our idea of what a man looks, acts, sounds, behaves, and presents like.

men are not cis, het, allosexual or highly sexual beings, tall, muscular, strong, hairy, deep voiced, broad chested/shouldered, emotionless, mean, aggressive, unemotional, uncaring, distant, cold, stoic, heartless, standoffish, bread winners, bad/absent fathers, macho, obligated to work despite disabilities, or obligated to be "the man of the house."

men are people. first and foremost.

men are allowed to express just like anyone else. men do not have to be pillars of their communities. no obligation. men are allowed to be disabled, tired, weak, emotional, caring, compassionate, asexual, aromantic, friendly, warm, in need of support, neurodivergent, mentally ill, chronically ill,and have personality disorders. men have their own struggles and we have to stop telling them to "suck it up" and "move on" and "pull yourself up by your boot straps".

we are forcing men to do this: this is a cage of our own design.

once we dismantle this idea of how a man "should" be, once more: we will move past radfeminism, patriarchy, trans/androphobia, and fostering a culture where this is an acceptable way to treat men. it's not. we must allow men to be diverse. we must allow men to be who they are on the inside

[noonstate]

i need well meaning cis people to stop attemping to steelman trans healthcare conversations because it basically always ends with them just lying about easily checkable things "no minors are getting irreversible treatments" wrong not true "no minors are having surgery" also false, like instead just say the truth: currently some minors (few, but some) are able to access hrt that will have some irreversible changes on their body, some (even fewer) minors are able to access surgery.

the counter to transphobes screaming "these kids are being irreversibly changed" isn't "no children are accessing this care" it's "puberty is also an irreversible change" and "i think under 18s and even under 16s should be able to make medical decisions actually"

"no minors are accessing this care" means that transphobes can easily point to the examples of minors who are accessing that care, which just make us look like liars. sometimes teenagers and children need to make medical choices on their own. i think a 14 y/o should be able to get an abortion. i think trans kids and teens should be able to have the approriate care, which for some will just be like, picking a new name or haircut, and for some, sure, could be surgery.

[canideformed]

Trans men do not have male privilege because you cannot separate their trans identity from their male identity.

People love to say, “but they’re men and men are privileged!” as if you can just. Pretend they’re not also trans. Or they say that it doesn’t matter that they’re trans if they pass because people will just see them as men.

Just. Think it through. Think about what happens when the experiences of trans and cis men are compared at any systemic level.

1. A cis woman says that a cis man sexually assaulted her. The woman is told she is probably dramatic by the cops and the cis man isn’t impacted because all his friends are misogynists. People talk about how boys will be boys and how it wasn’t his fault, women wouldn’t understand men’s’ sex drives.

2. A cis woman outs a trans man and says he sexually assaulted her. The trans man is arrested and jailed (keeping in mind you can be arrested with no proof, only reasonable suspicion—such as an allegation) by cops who openly watch him pee because they wanted to get a look at a pussy on a man. He gets out and his friends hear through the grapevine that he’s trans. They laugh at and grope him the next time they see him and they ostracise him. People talk about how testosterone is such an evil chemical and how the trans guy is dangerous because he has a “female brain running on toxic male hormones.”

For another comparison—

1. A cis man goes in for a routine sexual health checkup—a prostate exam. It is quick, though awkward and uncomfortable. He later begins to feel ill. He sees a doctor who takes his symptoms seriously and treats him appropriately.

2. A trans man goes in for a routine sexual health checkup—a pap smear. He is stared at in the waiting room. The nurse calls “Ms.__” and is visibly confused when he stands up. The doctor isn’t educated on trans bodies and doesn’t use enough lube (or simply doesn’t care to) and it hurts. The doctor asks invasive questions about bottom growth and ignores the guys’ preferred terminology for his parts and his identity. The guy files an insurance claim that is denied because his legal gender is M. He has to either pay or try to deal with the company. He begins to feel ill. He sees a doctor who sees that he’s trans in his chart or spots the testosterone prescription or an old or legal name. The doctor tells him it’s probably the T without doing a proper exam and that T is dangerous for “females” and he should consider stopping.

Male privilege is systemic. It’s not just who the waiter looks at first when they take a dinner order. It’s men being protected by the system by other men in power. Trans men do not have that protection. The second a transphobe thinks a criminal might have been a trans man they start talking about how it was because his mind couldn’t handle the testosterone. (Remember when there was a rumour that a school shooter was transmasc?). They worry about him “tainting” cis women. Because he is trans, it means that people don’t even see him as man enough to be protected by the system. It is because he is a trans man and trans manhood is not respected as Real by the cistem.

Part of male privilege is having your voice believed and your autonomy respected. But trans men are told their pain isn’t real, that they’re being dramatic, that it’s their period or the T. Trans men are at risk for sexual abuse and fetishisation by cis people who might use a medical exam as an excuse to hurt or assault them. Trans men are not seen as a possible type of man, so insurance systems auto-deny sexual healthcare for trans men because “men can’t have that issue.” Part of male privilege is having your voice centred, and yet many conversations about abortion and access to birth control actively exclude trans men, because trans men are held personally accountable for the pregnancy, even when it’s rape. Cis men don’t experience anything like that.

And sure! The situations I laid out above don’t describe ALL trans men. But they also don’t describe ALL cis men or ALL cis women. The difference between cis men and trans men is that trans men, along with other gender minorities and cis women, are specifically targeted by oppressive patriarchal systems by virtue of both their trans and male identities.

It breaks my heart to see people tell trans men to ‘take accountability’ for their privilege when I hear all the time about trans men who are in jail for killing the person who was raping them, about trans men who were abused by police, about trans men who were tortured and murdered.

[ihavenomouthandimustmouth]

It seems like a lot of the anti-transmasculinity/transandrophobia discourse revolves around the ideas that either this does not occur, does not occur in real life, or is just transmascs viewing criticisms of transmisogynistic transmascs as oppression, so here’s a story.

I live with some other people around my age, and I stopped using my deadname with them earlier this year. it hasn’t been that long, about 3 months, but generally, they use my correct name with an occasional mistake, usually followed up by a correction. one of them, however, just cannot seem to stop deadnaming me, often without correcting afterwards. when they do notice they’ve gotten it wrong, it’s usually followed up by a big thing about how they don’t know why they’re so bad at it or blaming it on being drunk if they’re drunk, but often not an apology.

an additional piece of this—my partner, who is a trans woman, changed the name they use around the same time, but this person almost always gets her name right. this person knows me a bit better/longer than they do her, but not that much better/longer, and generally, when I am around them, my partner is also there. (adding a cut here because this is gonna be long)

I talked with my therapist about this at my last session. I was seeking advice on how to handle it, but I also spent a lot of time just complaining and running through different incidences of this happening. I ended up telling her about some of the weird things this person said to me when I first started socially transitioning, including them saying that they were sad when I came out because they (direct quote) “didn’t want to stop seeing me as a genderless elf” (???!?) (I had previously identified as nonbinary and used any pronouns) and followed that up by saying that they hated men, which they then followed up by saying “not trans men though” (which like okay but then why bring that up in this conversation).

In talking my therapist, I circled back to the deadnaming issue and said that I thought this person was doing this to me and not my partner because my partner is more feminine than I am masculine (in social behavior and the way we look as two people that have not started medically transitioning). my therapist pushed back on this and said that, based on all the things I said, it seemed more like this person just didn’t want to see me as a man.

this blew my mind a little because I, a transmasculine person who spends way too much time on trans and transmasc internet, did not put the situation in this context while my therapist, a cis woman who is supportive but not super aware of the trans experience, did. it made a lot of sense though, and fit into the context of my other experiences and interactions with this person.

this person is a nonbinary person who has never identified as or been seen as a man. they are supportive of trans people generally and of their rights. they are also someone who believes that woman are inherently better than men. this generally doesn’t have much of an impact on the cis men we live with—for them, this more comes as being around for jokes that might make them a little uncomfortable, but doesn’t stop them from being seen as men. for me, this means I have to deal with the fact that this person doesn’t want to see me as a man and deadnames me accordingly, seemingly because they see me transitioning as a loss.

my point here is that when transmasculine people say that there are issues they face specifically related to them being transmasculine, that’s not a lie or a hypothetical. there is a stark contrast between the way this person treats my transfem partner and myself (and, after talking with someone who’s lived here with this person for longer, other transmasculine people who have lived in the house). they are supportive of trans people as a group, but not of transmasculinity, and I have to deal with the consequences.

[doberbutts]

it's crazy how trans men said "it makes us sad when we're constantly bombarded with jokes about how terrible men are" and now every post is like "ugh why are we doing #notallmen again!"

As I said before, I only started talking about this when- in a queer-focused and trans-run facebook group- there were constant jokes from cis women about how attraction to men is a curse and why would anyone actually want to be with a man and how unnatural men are and why would anyone want to be a man, and when a couple trans men went "hey uhhh these jokes are pretty hurtful can we maybe... not do this in a queer group? I hear this enough from homophobic/transphobic people" they were told they were the ones at fault and promptly removed from said group by the trans man who was the admin.

I repeat, in a place that is supposed to welcome all queer identities, it was seen as praxis to continuously bash men and when queer men protested they were kicked out.

When my cis lesbian friend is complaining about a dude being a creep or having The Audacity, I'm not offended when she turns to me and says "Jasper, why are men????? WHY????" Because I get it. I also have dealt with creeps and male audacity. She's venting, she understands that there are also dudes that are not like this, and she's addressing a conversation that needs to happen about the way [usually white, cishet, abled, etcetcetc] dudes act especially towards women. She would not be friends with me if she felt I was acting this way, myself.

What I have a problem with is when venting transforms into politics- because at that point the logical "obviously she knows and does not mean every single man in this entire planet" stops being true when it becomes "no but for real I mean it, we should kill all men and start over as a society" which is a thing I have actually seen stated by radical feminists.

I think there's a big difference between two people having a private conversation that is perhaps not the most inclusive of all nuance and viewpoints, and blasting your personal opinions about how you think men are disgusting and and attraction to men is unnatural within a space occupied by people who A: are men B: are attracted to men C: have been told repeatedly by society that their attraction to men makes them disgusting and unnatural.

[infiniteimaginings]

Can you do a transmale!reader x Harry Hook/Uma

(if you do multiple characters)

Where reader is chosen with the main four in the first movie (kid of Jack Sparrow) and leaves. He’s part of Uma’s crew. And when he’s chosen in the first movie, he’s pre-T or anything like it.

Then the second movie comes along and reader goes back to the isle with the others to bring back Mal. But he really goes because he wants to see his pirates. Except now he’s been on T for about a year now and had his surgeries. So they don’t recognize him and kidnap him along with Ben.

Anddddd I can’t really think of anything else after that. So…have fun with it! Preferably a happy ending, with lots of fluff and sweetness.

Pre-established Uma/Harry and Reader didn’t come out to them before leaving so as far as Uma/Harry know, Reader is a cis woman. So it’s a surprise when he finally tells him who he really is.

And yeah, that’s all. It’s alright if you don’t write it, I’d understand. Thanks!

Are we supposed to know you? (Uma x TransMale!Reader x Harry Hook)

Summary: You were sent off with the other Vk's to Auradon and when you come back to retrieve Mal, you're changed. You of course go back for Mal, but it's mainly to see the people you left and to tell them you're home. What happens when they don't recognize you and see you as a threat, just like Ben. How will they know you're who you say you are? Pronouns: You/Yours, She/Her (In mentions from Uma and Harry), He/Him Warnings: None Word Count: 2.7k A/N: (Long A/N) Act like Jefferson doesn't exist, I forgot he existed lol. Also, I won't lie, I started this at one o'clock in the morning, and was contemplating how on earth I make this fluff when they don't recognize him and kidnap him. So, unfortunately I didn't get lots of fluff into it, I apologize, I will write a part two to this little thing just for you with only fluff in it. I hope I did the general idea justice, if I didn't, I apologize. Lots of love! <333 (Even if I explained it, you guys would not understand how frustrated I've been with tumblr and my computer. I'm so sorry for how late this is, I've been upset because I had to delay it. It's here now though.)

When Mal came to you , talking about the Isle, you couldn't help but get excited. Your eyes lit up and your smile got wider at the thought of discussing it. Mal noticed your obvious signs of wanting to continue the conversation so she sat down next to you on the bed, looking out the open curtains where the students of Auradon Prep walked. The blonde girl looked over to you, the tips of her hair their typical purple. She sighed and looked back down, messing with her fingers, “Do you ever feel like…” She paused, unable to express how she felt in words. It would’ve been easier for her if you were the first person she went to, but you weren’t.

She went to Evie, Jay, Carlos, but none of them could understand where she was coming from. It was as if everyone was happy with their new lives, but her.

Mal groaned, putting her head into her hands, unable to speak anymore.

You looked at her curiously, placing a hand on her back and rubbing small circles into it. “You wanted to talk about the island…right?” You asked her, tilting your head to see her expression. She removed her hands and nodded, not looking at you. “Yeah.”

“Is it because…you miss it?”

There was a pause, as if the room itself stilled, as if the world stopped. You moved your hand a bit just to make sure it wasn’t some sort of magic freezing everything. 

Mal sat up straight, swallowing hard, “I don’t miss the island itself.” She confessed, making eye contact with you, “I miss who I was.” She explained, taking a deep breath, “Do you get what I mean?”

You looked at her blankly, tilting your head as you looked down at yourself. 

As you did so, she opened her mouth before closing it immediately. She shook her head and laughed, slapping your arm lightly. “You know what I mean!”

“Hey, I didn’t even say anything!” You chuckled out, putting an arm around her, placing your head on hers. “But…” You began, rubbing her arm softly as she leaned into you, “I do get where you’re coming from.”

Mal looked up, her eyes a bit water, “You do?”

You nodded with a smile, “We went from a life of no no structure, doing whatever we want, enjoying life to…” You blew air out of your mouth, sighing heavily, “Rules, etiquette, expectations.” 

The girl next to you stiffened at the last word before she relaxed, leaning more into your shoulder. “I just miss….” She trailed off, shaking her head.

“You miss the freedom.”

“Yeah, I miss the freedom.”

You nodded, thinking for a moment. Soon enough, you removed your arm from her and turned to her, “Then, get it back.”

“What?”

“Show everyone that you still deserve your freedom.” You explained, moving your hands with your words. “We didn’t stop being villain kids just because we started going to Auradon.” You continued watching as her eyes got bigger, “You don’t have to fit into these boxes people are trying to force us into.” You told her, shaking your head, “If they don’t understand that, then they never really understood you.”

Your words seemed to have gotten to Mal as she stood up quickly, a small smile on her face. “I needed that, thank you.” She told you, inhaling softly as she turned to the door to walk out.

You waved and mumbled a small ‘you’re welcome’ once the door was closed since she gave you no time to. 

You didn’t think much of it, you just assumed she would do something to show people that she was still herself even if she wasn’t ‘evil’, or necessarily ‘good’. 

Well, you didn’t think much of it until the next day when the VK group and Ben bursted into your room. You jumped, shoving a paper under your pillow as you clutch your chest. “Last I checked, knocking wasn’t a foreign concept.”

Evie mumbled a small apology as the rest stood with apologetic but serious faces.

You sat up since the air was so tense, tossing your legs over the bed to stand in front of them, “What’s up?”

“Mal left for the Isle.” Carlos blurted out, blinking rapidly as he looked everywhere but you.

Ben looked down with a guilty face, a frown placed on his lips. “We had a fight…” He mumbled, “She said I didn’t understand how…” He paused, clearing his throat, “She said I didn’t understand her.”

Your eyes widened and your mouth fell open at the realization and of the conversation you had with her.

Jay noticed your expression and knitted his brows together, “What?”

A harsh cough left your throat as you looked away from them, “I might’ve had something to do with that.”

The group simultaneously yelled, “What?!”

Your hands raised in an automatic surrender, “Hey, she came to me talking about the Isle,” You began your explanation, “and I miss my

Evie wasn’t pleased to say the least, she crossed her arms with a raised brow. “We are your people.”

You almost laughed, but given the situation you decided not to. “I miss my people.” You specified, your words reminding the group that all of you weren’t exactly the bestest of friends back on the island.

They couldn’t say anything, they knew you were right. Ben didn’t exactly get the message, and that reminded you all of why you were gathered in the first place.

You agreed to go to the Isle to help Mal.

You agreed, but you weren’t really going to help Mal. She lived there her entire life, you knew she would be fine. She knows her way around the island, she practically ran it. You weren’t going to the Island to help Mal, you were going home.

Once all of you reached the island, you thought you would all spread out to find Mal…that wasn’t the case. You all went in a suspiciously large group to find the daughter of Maleficent, something you thought was stupid.

You thought it was stupid, but you all still found where she was hiding out and Ben went to talk to her.

Evie, Jay, and Carlos all talked to each other as you scanned the area, kicking the ground slightly as time passed by. You were barely on the island and now you all were going to leave. It wasn’t how you wanted things to go, nothing was how you wanted to go.

Ben walked out and before anyone could question him, he walked straight past you guys. Everyone looked at each other and you sighed, “I’ll get him.” You grumbled, jogging after him.

“Ben!” You yelled, trying to catch up to him. “Ben, wait up!” You yelled once again, finally reaching him, placing a hand on his shoulder. “What happened? Why are you so upset?”

“She doesn’t want to come with us, all of this was for nothing.” Ben spoke harshly, ripping his beanie off his head and throwing it to the ground.

You sighed, picking the beanie up, dusting it off. “Ben, do me a favor.”

“What!”

“Look around right now.” You told him, gripping the beanie tightly. He looked at you confused but you repeated, “Look around right now.”

Ben regulated his breathing, calming down enough to look around. It was cramped, cluttered, dirty even. It wasn’t properly cared for but the people around seemed to be having a good time nonetheless. 

When he looked back at you, you were looking at the children running around, trying to find a way to pick-pocket Ben. “This is how we grew up Ben…” You mumbled, finally making eye contact with Ben, “You can’t expect Mal, the daughter of the biggest villain who was on this island, to just snap into a princess.” You explained to him, shaking your head.

Ben turned, looking at the area around, “I didn’t realize…” He whispered, eyes flickering to something new the more he looked. 

When the son of Belle and the Beast turned around to face you again, you were nowhere to be found. He turned around quickly, breath picking up the pace as he looked for you, “Where’d you go?” He called out, spinning in a circle until he felt a tap on his shoulder. He let out a sigh of relief, “Come on, that wasn’t fun-” The next thing he knew, everything went black.

Blurry eyes opened, a dry throat let out a cough, and vision restored. Ben looked around for a moment before his gaze fell on you. You were sat with a blank expression, seemingly uninterested in your current situation.

Ben muttered a few incoherent sentences but you cut him off for a moment.

“Getting kidnapped was not on my vacation bucket list.”

Neither of you could even begin a conversation after your words when someone started laughing. The two of you looked up and saw someone had walked in, seemingly amused at your situations. 

“Absolutely hilarious, you’re quite funny.” The male said, looking you over a bit before turning his attention to Ben to do the same thing.

Your brows furrowed as you broke out of whatever ‘trance’ you were in. “Harry?” You asked aloud, adjusting yourself to get a closer look at him.

He pointed his fake hook to you, placing it under his chin. “How do you know my name?”

“How does who know your name?” A voice called from behind the boy, footsteps getting louder as they neared.

Harry tilted his head, “This one.” He spoke, moving his hook from under your chin to step back.

The person that walked in was a girl, she had light blue braids and brown eyes. She stood tall with the hat of a pirate on. 

Your brows furrowed once again, your mind still a little fuzzy from your current situation. “Uma?” You mumbled out, tilting your head.

“You know these people?” Ben suddenly spoke out, trying to get out the rope that tied his hands behind his back.

You looked over at him, a bit unimpressed. “I was raised here, I know everyone here.”

Harry gasped falsely, fake hook over his heart, “You’re a VK?” He asked, not expecting you to answer, since he didn't believe you.

You nodded, forgetting that you look different so they don’t recognize you. “Uh, yeah.” You spoke as if it were obvious, “Born and raised.” You spoke, trying to jog their memory. “Uma, I was in your shop every single da-”

“Oh, and are we supposed to know you because of that?” She asked with a straight face, squatting down to bore her eyes into yours.

You took a deep breath, closing your eyes before opening them again, “If you said you didn’t, I’d be questioning our friendship.”

Your captors both laughed, looking at each other, “Friendship?”

Ben decided to give up, still listening to the conversation. So much was running through his mind, he was trying to figure out how to get out of this situation until…he realized something. You knew these people, you guys were friends, they just didn’t recognize you. If Ben reminded them, maybe they would let you guys go.

He thought it over before blurting out, “He’s the child of Jack Sparrow, so yes he is a villain kid.” 

Everyone went silent, their laughs were quiet, and your breathing stopped at Bens sudden exclamation.

You looked over and Ben looked you up and down, and that is when you realized…they don’t know who you are. You had changed so much in the past year, even your voice was different. How did you just expect them to recognize you?

When you looked back at the two pirates, they were staring you down. If looks could kill, you would be six feet under.

Uma squatted down in front of you, glaring harshly, “Don’t you ever disrespect her like that ever again.” She whispered to you seriously, her head whipping to Ben, “Don’t you ever mention her in front of me, again.”

Harry took a few deep breaths, “She would’ve been fine here, and you took her.” He told Ben, poking his chest with his hook. “If you ever try to lie to us, I will gut you like a fish.”

Uma nodded to the statement, “You think we wouldn’t know her family?” She asked you, tilting her head. “Jack Sparrow had one child, a daughter, and she’s never coming back.” She paused, biting the inside of her cheek, “For you, a preppy, to just try to claim her father as your own for some sense of freedom…it’s disgusting.”

The blue haired girl stood slowly, keeping her eyes on you. You finally released the breath you were holding, when she removed herself from your space.

You blinked back a few tears as they turned to walk out the door. Harry gently took Umas hand, whispering some things that you couldn't hear.

They were so good together, they still defended your name even if they thought you weren't there. You didn't expect your chest to hurt so badly when they protected you, even if they believed you were gone for good.

“I would’ve joined your crew even if I lost that race.” You mumbled, looking at their backs with sad eyes.

The two paused before turning to you, “Excuse me?” Uma asked, standing in place.

“The race..” You trailed off, “If you won I would join your crew, if I won you would have to spend a week proving to me how much you wanted me to join and then I’d give you my answer.” You continued, nodding with your own words. You didn't notice how they continued to walk towards you. You continued on, “Unfortunately, I was dragged to Auradon before I could answer you, so I’m doing it now.” You told them, looking up to see both of them analyzing you with parted lips, “I was going to join your crew anyways.”

Umas eyes were focusing on each of your features before she cupped your face, looking at you more intensely.

Harry looked up, making eye contact with you, “You have her eyes…” He muttered, taking off his hook to trace your cheeks.

You swallowed harshly before breathing out a chuckle, your cheeks warming a bit. “I would hope so, I was born with my eyes, guys.”

Uma shook her head, “But she’s… you’re not…”

“A girl…I know.” You whispered out, looking down, or trying to. Harry picked your head back up swiftly.

His eyes were watering slightly, “You’re telling the truth aren’t you?”

You nodded as best as you could with his hands on your cheeks. “I know I don’t look the same…”

He shook his head, “But you’re still you…” 

Uma quickly untied the rope keeping you tied up, trying her best to go quickly. She had ordered her crew to tie your guys up from your arms to your legs, and now she was regretting it. Harry noticed her struggle and began to help untie you, muttering curses when he got to harder knots.

Once you were untied, you rubbed at your wrists, looking down for a moment at the burn. 

You looked up, finally, and were met with Harry and Uma on their knees, staring at you. Their eyes were teary, their chests were rising and falling deeper than ever, neither could speak.

You felt your own eyes begin to water as you rushed forward, wrapping your arms around the both of them.

Harry's arm immediately went around you, he began to cry into your shoulder, holding you tightly. “We thought we’d never see you again.” 

Uma, on the other hand, was hesitant. She slowly wrapped her arm around you. When she did, she felt a rush of familiar comfort, a heat rushing through her chest, something she only felt with Harry and…you. She bit her tongue so as to not cry as she buried her nose into your other shoulder, “We would’ve found a way to you anyways.”

The warmth of the two enveloped you as you finally got to be near them again, as you finally got to feel their comforting arms again. “I have no doubt in my mind that you would’ve found me again.” You whispered to them, trying to hold them tighter.

Harry rambled on about never leaving them again, Uma ran her fingers down your back, both of them weren't letting you go anytime soon.

Uma sniffled a bit, "We missed you so much."

"I missed you guys too, more than you'll ever know."

You were finally with your people again. Now, you didn’t have to stare at a picture of the three of you, wishing they were in your arms.

[nothorses]

I think one of the ways that tranandrophobia seems to distinguish itself from the other forms of oppression it is connected to is in the way it attempts to convince you it is indistinguishable and that transmascs are always just collateral damage to everyone else's "real" problems.

One example is the very blatent tirf claim that transphobia on its own isn't real, that it is all misdirected transmisogyny, and that transmascs only experience oppression due to our association with transfemmes.

But there is also the insistence that anti abortion laws and similar things are targeted at cis women and therefore are "women's issues" - transmascs shouldn't complain about being excluded because it "isn't about us". Same with homophobia and butchphobia. Even the terf talking point that they are just protecting "little cis girls" from making irreversible mistakes pretends that actual the transmascs being harmed is just an accident and not the goal.

Trying to talk about transandrophobia is a constant stream of "It's just transphobia. It's just misogyny. No, you can't call your experiences misogyny because that isn't about you. You can't call yourself a lesbian or a butch or compare your oppression to lesbophobia. It isn't about you. Yes, terfs hurt you, but you aren't their main target. This isn't about you. Yes, you need abortions and experience medical misogyny, but you can't talk about it because this isn't about you. You were sexually assaulted because of misdirecred misogyny. Don't make it about you. You've never contributed to the history of gay men, or lesbians, or the trans community. It isn't about you. Those cross dressers weren't trans. Stop trying to make women's history about you. You can't reclaim cunt or faggot or dyke because those words aren't about you. I don't care how many times you've been called a tranny. That word isn't about you. Why must you make everything about you?"

Because sure, transmascs exist, and we might be impacted by everyone else's oppression, but it is always thought of as a theoretical consequence of what is really going on, if it is thought of at all. Transmascs are not considered to be oppressed in our own right.

This idea gives the lawmakers plausible deniability, allies an excuse to ignore us, and feeds into transmasc erasure. If we are never the actual target to begin with, then clearly, we can't be uniquely targeted. The law makers don't need to be held accountable for their transandrophobia because it isn't like they are trying to hurt transmascs, right? We need to let the real victims speak, the ones being targeted on purpose.

Nobody ever sees the way it all piles up, and even if they do, they think "well it's just an accident, right? If we fix the main problem, then this fringe issue will go away on its own" without ever considering that transandrophobia isn't as rare, fringe, or accidental as society wants it to appear and that actual effort needs to be put into dismantling it.

It isn't that they actually believe that transandrophobia isn't real. It's that they just don't believe it is about transmascs. Because even if we are the common denominator, we are still just collateral damage and could not possibly have anything of value to say. Because as collateral damage, our issues are never our own and thus never need to be discussed on our own terms.

100%. And I think this is exactly what this sort of cycle of erasure depends on.

We are erased, our problems are erased, and our oppression is erased, which means it's easy for people to ignore us, our problems, and our oppression. There's so little evidence, so few people talking about it, and they never really see or hear anyone name us in this violence, so surely, it isn't about us at all! It must be about the people they know about already, the problems they know about, and the ones who are always readily named in these conversations.

If we're speaking up, there's no reason to believe us; if anything, we come under scrutiny for trying to talk about these issues nobody else can see. We must be crazy, hysterical, whiny and overdramatic, or perhaps malicious. We're stealing attention, stealing space, and stealing help. We might be victims, but we are incidental and unworthy victims.

And ignoring us, our problems, and our oppression means we continue to be erased. Which makes it easier to ignore us, and erase us, and easier to perpetuate violence against us. And so on.

It's understandable, in a way, for people to ignore us; most people don't know about any of this in the first place, and when they do, they're not inclined to take any of it seriously. Even if they do see convincing evidence that our problems are real and worth talking about, it's easy for that to be a one-off that they eventually forget about. Everyone else is talking about everything else, so we sort of fade away.

It's not their fault; they're not trying to ignore us. They just haven't learned to recognize violence against us, and they just don't seek us out, and can they really be blamed for that? Can they really be blamed for the violence that continues because they and others don't see or try to stop it? We're so hard to find in the first place. You know, because we've been so thoroughly erased.

There are a lot of people who've been fighting this for a long time, and even more we don't-- and probably won't-- ever know about, who've been fighting for even longer. I think it's getting better; the organized backlash against us is, imo, a sign that our reach is getting stronger and wider. But it's a hard cycle to break.

[andy-wm]

On a personal note...

This is a personal story, so feel free to scroll on past (if you're only here for the Jikookery I can respect that).

I'm posting this because it's connected to what Jimin and Jungkook (specifically Jimin) may or may not be doing with this album and their travel series "Are you sure", and by that I mean coming out publicly as queer and as lovers. If it sounds vague, it is, because I don't know what they're doing yet. I don't know how far Jimin is taking this or what direction he'll go. But if he is going to make his private life public, then my post is relevant even though my experience is a microscopic spec 0f what he will encounter.

I live in a conservative little town on the edge of a big city, we're almost the last stop on the metro train line. This place has 10 000 residents and a reputation for being a little on the rough side. It's not a bad place and the people are not bad people but they won't step aside if you pick a fight, lets put it that way.

There's one high school in our little town, and I am the school librarian. I also run the school's pride club and when I started it 5 years ago (that's when I joined this school) it kicked up a bit of a stink. The community had mixed feelings. I wasn't out as trans at that point, only as queer. The school principal supported the club but wanted me to keep it quiet (I didn't). She wanted me to be appeasing (I wasn't). And when we had challenges from homophobic students, she wanted me to 'let her handle it' ( I didn't).

I responded to bigotry with patience and kindness, modelling the behaviour I expected and having many many conversations about prejudice, the patriarchy, learned behaviour, fear of the unknown, and minding your own damn business....

When I came out as trans to the school community - changing my name and pronouns - I faced some real push back from both staff and students. Students were less openly hostile but sometimes the subtle attempts at bullying are worse. My line manager was really difficult about it. I was a hot topic of conversation. It wasn't a good time. But I stuck with it, partly because I couldn't go back and partly because the Pride Club students were so empowered by what I was doing. They thought I was really brave. I couldn't let them down.

It was a tough time for me personally. Every day was a struggle as I navigated my wavering sense of identity and tried to be true to myself. Most of my family and friends were okay with it but some were not. Some flipped back and forth, some thought I had lost my mind. I had to let a few people go from my life, including one of my closest friends. I've lost a few more since then. I've cried more in the past few years than I have in my whole life and I am pretty tough, so you gotta know - it was a lot.

Fast forward to now. The pride club is well established, homophobia still exists but it's less overt and it's no longer ignored, and we have staff who are active allies. It's definitely a success. Our students to have a safe place where they can be themselves, and slow change is coming to the culture of the school.

It has come at a personal cost though. Not a HUGE personal cost but enough for it to matter. I am recognised and known around town because, well, most people in small communities know each other. But more so because of my role in the school, and because I am the only out and vocal queer person on school staff (yes, there are other LGBTQIA+ staff but they keep it quiet, and I don't really blame them).

At school i still have to correct people on my pronouns on a daily basis, and occasionally a student will throw a comment my way but it's not often these days. I have to come out to all the new staff pretty much as soon as I first meet them otherwise it's awkward. It's just an everyday thing. It's not a big deal but it's tiring, and it's something cis/straight people don't ever have to think about.

What is tough, though, is sniping from the community at large every now and again. I have been targeted on community socials and I've had had some pretty brusque service from local shop owners and service personnel in local businesses. Sometimes I see kids from school at the shops and they point me out to their parents. I pretend it's because they're happy to see me (what the fuck else am I going to do - hide in the apple crate?) They may say a friendly hello... or they may following me through the aisles of the supermarket trying to menace me - yes, that has happened - I just have to wait and see.

I do have allies in the community too - like the gorgeous pharmacist who always gets my name and pronouns right and compliments me (on whatever he can think of) every time I collect my meds. There's a stern woman in the hardware store who makes a point of loudly correcting herself when she uses the wrong pronouns (often). I appreciate this, I really do, but honestly it would be great if she could be a little quieter.

I am not a celebrity by any means, just a small town school librarian. But wherever I go in my small town - to the doctor, the supermarket, the park, or the gym - there's a chance I'll encounter someone who knows my face. Sometimes that makes me nervous.

The point of this long and boring post is to give people who may not know what it's like, a bit of insight into the experience of a regular, everyday person who lives in a conservative place and who is both recognisable and queer. It can be exhausting, and from time to time I struggle with mental health issues. So I have no doubt that for people who are really well known, it would be much, much worse. They would be the subject of public debate on news sites and TV. They'd be tossed into arguments by politicians on both sides of the divide. They'd encounter hostility in person too, and that's really frightening.

So please remember that if the celebs you admire choose NOT to come out, it's because they've weighed up their choices and that's the safest option for them. Support them where they're at, so they can live their best life under the circumstances.

If they do come out, they'll probably need even more support. Please love them, defend them, celebrate them, and validate them. They need you more than you know.

And above all else, be a good human.

PS, no need to comment here, this is purely a PSA <3

[squidsquidsquidsquidsquidgame]

HIII i love your work SO MUCHHHH so I was wondering if you could do something like this maybe;

cis Fem!reader and Hyun-ju have a group of friends, where most of them are trans, except for reader and one of the girls in the group (let's call her Savannah, but you can call her whatever you want). So Savannah has known Hyun-ju since they were kids, they're childhood friends and they have known eachother before Hyun-ju transitioned.

So this one girl is kinda disrespectful towards Hyun-ju's identity and sometimes she misgenders her and deadnames her.

So the reader gets super protective over this and we tell her that she should cut the friendship with this girl, but she refuses because Hyun-ju thinks it's just Savannah's type of humor.

This is so long omg sorry 😭

I hope I explained myself right pookie, again, I enjoy your work sm 😞🫶🫶🫶

I'm just craving some possessive drama

It started out like any other night with your usual friend group. Laughter, drinks, and the usual chaos of inside jokes filling the air of the small apartment you all frequently gathered in. Hyun-Ju sat beside you on the couch, her fingers idly tracing patterns on your arm as you leaned into her warmth. You always felt safe like this, encased in her presence, even in a room full of people.

Then Savannah opened her mouth.

“Man, Ji-Won, you always did have the weirdest taste in movies.”

The conversation stopped. For a moment, you thought you misheard her. Maybe everyone did. But when you looked at Hyun-Ju, you saw the way her body tensed, the way her grip on your wrist faltered for just a second before she gave a tight-lipped smile.

“Savannah,” you started, tone sharp.

“What?” Savannah shrugged, taking another sip from her drink like nothing had happened. “It’s just a joke.”

You turned fully to Hyun-Ju, who had already plastered on that familiar, diplomatic smile, the one she always used when trying to smooth things over. “It’s fine,” she murmured. “She’s just messing around.”It wasn’t fine.

This wasn’t the first time Savannah had done this. The deadnaming, the misgendering—she always played it off as humor, but you knew better. You knew how much it hurt, even when Hyun-Ju pretended it didn’t. Even when she insisted that Savannah didn’t mean anything by it, that they had been friends since childhood, and that she was just “old-fashioned.”

You weren’t going to let this slide.

“No, it’s not fine,” you snapped, turning back to Savannah. “You don’t get to ‘joke’ like that. That’s not her name, and you know it.”

Savannah rolled her eyes, looking to the rest of the group for support. Most of them looked uncomfortable, but no one else spoke up. “You’re really overreacting.”

“No, I’m not,” you said, voice firm. “You need to cut that out, Savannah. It’s not funny, and it never has been.”

“Hyun-Ju doesn’t care,” she argued, gesturing lazily. “Right, Hyun-Ju?”

Hyun-Ju shifted beside you, clearly torn. “I mean… I know you don’t mean anything by it, Sav…” she said hesitantly, but you could tell she was uncomfortable.

You turned fully to face her. “Hyun-Ju,” you said softly, reaching for her hand. “You shouldn’t have to put up with this. She doesn’t respect you.”

“She’s my friend,” Hyun-Ju mumbled. “She’s known me since I was a kid. I don’t think she’s trying to be mean.”

“Intent doesn’t erase harm,” you pressed gently. “And this isn’t the first time. It’s been happening for months.”

Hyun-Ju looked down, chewing on her bottom lip. You could see the internal war playing out behind her eyes. The part of her that wanted to believe Savannah wouldn’t intentionally hurt her. The part of her that knew you were right.

Savannah sighed dramatically. “Oh my God, it was a joke! You’re seriously making such a big deal out of nothing.”

You stood up, heart pounding. “You don’t get to decide what’s ‘nothing’ when you’re the one hurting her.”

Hyun-Ju’s grip on your wrist tightened, like she was grounding herself. Finally, after what felt like forever, she let out a slow breath. “Sav, I think… I think Y/N is right.”

Savannah’s expression hardened. “So what, you’re choosing her over me?”

Hyun-Ju hesitated. “I’m choosing myself.”

Silence.Savannah scoffed, grabbed her bag, and stormed out. The tension lingered in the room, but you didn’t care. You turned back to Hyun-Ju, brushing a hand through her hair. “Are you okay?”She exhaled slowly. “I think so. I don’t know. I just… I hate confrontation.”

“I know,” you said softly. “But you deserve to be surrounded by people who respect you.”

She leaned into you, resting her head against your shoulder. “Thank you for always standing up for me.

”You pressed a kiss to her temple. “Always.”

[genderqueerdykes]

just kind of throwing this at your wall, sorry in advance. saw the post about "kill all men" and got really upset

im a trans guy. my boyfriend is cis, and im the first guy hes dated before. (sees me fully as whatever i want to be, does not care about my gender expression and loves me for me. great guy). he doesnt have many friends from being asocial as a teenager, so most of his friends are my trans friends!

of course. like every trans group seems to fall prey to, theres always the "all [CIS] men are bad" conversation that comes up somehow. and i never really thought much of it, because in my head itd be "ah yeah all men Except My Boyfriend"

but he and i were talking after some drinks, and he made a point that really struck me. about how he doesn't like being The Exception to the point, that he's still a man and has no interest in being anything But a man. so when people say stuff like that, he gets uncomfortable; not because He IS The Problem (like everyone who gives the "if youre saying not all men, youre the men" argument) but because it makes him feel ostracized from everyone. and idk, it really struck me.

we say stuff like that way too often in an attempt to exclude certain groups of people; and i feel like we end up excluding people close to us by proxy.

thanks for listening

i really appreciate you for taking the time to send this. i've been meaning to talk about this and have been forgetting. the following is of course not directed at you, anon, it is directed at people who behave like this

you're not feminist, progressive, cool, pro-queer rights or funny for saying "kill all men". you are exposing that you are a violent and dangerous person for believing that people should be profiled and literally killed for their gender or PERCEIVED gender.

this doesn't make people like you more. it outs you as a danger. how do we know you won't turn that hatred toward women whenever you feel like changing the goalposts? i can't trust someone like that to not turn that hatred toward other genders, either. YOU are the dangerous person you are profiling men as. you can't use men as a scapegoat for everything. sometimes YOU are the violent person who needs help.

your boyfriend shouldn't have to feel like that. like people have never really cared about gay men but people just straight up gave up all pretenses that they do and i hate it. cis men are not inherently evil. cis men can still be queer. cis men can still be good people. your boyfriend shouldn't have to feel isolated because he's cis. that's profiling. he belongs. why do people assume that everyone with a partner who is a man hates them? not everyone is choosing to be in a relationship with someone they hate. i understand that some people will date someone no matter who just to have a partner so they're not lonely, but not everyone does this. some people genuinely love their boyfriends

i'm sorry you both have dealt with this. i hope things can improve because men don't deserve to feel like this. this is why toxic masculinity exists in the first place. we have to stop reinforcing that men are evil monsters. they won't stop believing that if we keep telling them that forever. stay safe. your boyfriend is not a bad person & deserves to have a wonderful life.

[plaidos]

Trans women are the most vulnerable in our community, and every trans woman deserves to have space to talk about her experiences with transmisogyny. it’s not an uncommon experience for trans women’s relationships to suffer greatly after coming out, as a result of ingrained societal transmisogyny, and trans women should never be silenced about it. My concern lies with TMA individuals using transphobic terms (like “theyfab”) used to invalidate non-binary people, when transmisogyny is the root issue here. Terms like TMA & TME are great tools for these conversations, and the overall sentiment of “sometimes non-binary afabs who aren’t educated on/affected by transmisogyny can be very transmisogynistic” is not lost on me. However, I find it difficult to just be okay with theyfab being picked up more and more lately, and I truly want to understand how continuing to use this language could be beneficial in the overall conversation.

Thanks for your time, I really appreciate if you’ve read this, and look forward to seeing what you have to say. Your activism and experience is very important and valuable for our community.

no, your problem is not listening: theyfab isn’t transphobic. you came in here to ask me what i thought about it, and now you’re coming back and moving the goalposts, but i totally reject the position you’re starting from here: trans girls referring to somebody’s assigned gender is not transphobic, especially when we’re pointing out that it grants them a privilege above us. like gender assignment is a real material thing that happens to people, and it materially gives people privilege over one another dependant on somebody’s gender. like….. you’re literally calling people “afabs” as a noun in the same breath as saying putting a they on it makes it transphobic. how is it any different?

what you’re saying doesn’t track. it doesn’t make sense. why is it transphobic to point out somebody’s gender assignment & material positionality? ESPECIALLY when we’re talking about a group of people who specifically utilises that gendered assignment in arguments against trans women all the time. to call somebody “theyfab” isn’t misgendering in any way (unless you’re trying to say afab means woman? which would make YOU transphobic). theyfab doesn’t mean “you’re a cis woman” (how would that even make sense? it doesn’t). all it refers to is the specific type of non-binary person who constantly plays the “well i was assigned female so i know more about womanhood than you” shit on transfems. if theyfabs don’t want to be called on that, THEY SHOULD STOP DOING IT.

[a-polite-melody]

“Focusing on fixing sexism instead of worrying about transandrophobia is going to benefit trans men more. Also, worrying about transandrophobia instead of sexism is like discarding women and instead trying to put trans men into male privilege to fix the problem instead of fixing sexism.”

I mean.

First of all, sure, fighting sexism will help many people. Absolutely. Cis women. Trans women. Trans men.

But would you tell a trans woman to stop fighting transmisogyny because it’s only helping her and other trans women? Would you tell her that fighting for transmisogyny is counterproductive and just putting trans women in a better position instead of fixing sexism? I sure hope not! Typically people who think that way are radfems. But it’s what you’re doing to trans men in conversations about transandrophobia right now, so I’ve gotta point this out.

And also, fixing sexism doesn’t magically fix transmisogyny or transandrophobia. Discarding either conversation to “just focus on sexism” will not be beneficial overall. Just a couple quick examples: even in places where abortion is fully legal trans men will still struggle to access it, even in places where cis women have full access to a space trans women will still struggle to access it.

We don’t need to have only one conversation. Conversations about sexism, transmisogyny, and transandrophobia have to exist in tandem with one another.

And I’m definitely bringing this back around to the fact that discarding other conversations to focus on “the only actual real problem” when that “only actual real problem” is sexism also rings a lot of radfem alarm bells in my head.

[queerautism]

I remember maybe like 8 years ago we were having discussions on tumblr about exorsexism and experiences that are significantly more common to nonbinary trans folk than binary trans people, some of the ways many binary folk accidentally perpetuate exorsexism, etc. And of course there were plenty of binary trans folk who were decent! But there were a number of Very Loud binary trans folk who Did Not Like these discussions and shut them down with things like "well really no 'binary' trans people exist because none of us fit the cis (perisex implied) binary." and eventually we all just stopped talking about exorsexism.

Honestly i think we wouldn't have gone so hard now on this whole transmasc/transfem binary if we'd continued having those conversations previously.

Yeahhh I was very involved in nonbinary discourse and totally know what you mean. It's so tiring that we're still dealing with so much of this bullshit.

I don't even disagree with the concept that no trans people truly fit the standard idea of the gender binary in our cisheteronormative society. The existence of every type of trans person is an act of transgression against that socially imposed gender binary. I understand where they're coming from! But that's not what we're talking about, that's a different thing?

Imo there should be space to both understand that + understand that sometimes nonbinary people have different experiences that many binary trans sometimes don't understand.

[certifiedsexed]

hello! a while ago i had a conversation with my girlfriend that i found kind of distressing and sometimes i think back to it and get kind of worried? and i am not sure how to handle it. for context i'm transfem and she's cis, i do not know how exactly how much this factors into this?

we're long distance so we haven't had an opportunity to do anything in person yet but we've talked about sex or sexted plenty of times. a pretty long time ago now there was one time when she was initiating that and i wanted to go along with it but i couldn't really get into the right headspace for it (wasn't anxious, i was just getting really distracted, couldn't get into it). she got pretty frustrated about it which was understandable.

then more recently, a long time after that, we were talking and i thought she was trying to initiate something (turned out she wasn't but. not really the focus) and so i tried to go along with it but ended up sorta overthinking the scenario she was talking about and got too anxious. and then started feeling really scared & upset with myself about not being able to roll with it (felt like i was failing by not being receptive enough, or letting her down really REALLY badly or something?), which took me further out of the mood which caused a feedback loop, and i don't know if it was an anxiety attack or what, but? it was definitely unexpected and i hadn't had feelings like that before (& haven't since, either, but maybe just because i haven't had trouble staying in the right mood on any occasions since then?). and after i got myself together enough to tell my girlfriend (and we cleared up the slight miscommunication) i was still feeling pretty vulnerable. so i asked her, if one day she really was initiating something, potentially in person, but i got too anxious and had to stop, would she be angry with me?

and. she didn't give me a "no"? if she were to ask me that question, my answer would be "no, absolutely not, not in a hundred years, even if i was looking forward to it it wouldn't matter to me anymore, your well-being is so much more important". which is something i've tried very hard to make clear in the past. and when i asked her, i was kind of hoping to get an answer which at least kind of mirrors that sentiment (although she has a hard time being soft, so probably a little more blunt?). but it just, wasn't there. she was totally insistent that if i ever need to stop then that means we don't go any further, but, she seemed to kind of, not be willing to say that she wouldn't be angry? when i expressed that it would be difficult for me to hit the brakes if i expect her to be angry about it, she just reaffirmed that i should absolutely never ever do anything sexual that i'm not feeling okay about.

i don't know if it makes sense for this to bother me, but it kind of does? i do appreciate that she emphasized the importance of my consent & well-being, and i also appreciate that she was, evidently, taking care not to make promises she can't expect to keep, about how she'd feel in the moment. but. the fact that she can't make that promise is itself distressing to me...? on the one hand, it is kind of unsettling to me that the way I know I would feel, doesn't seem to go the other way. on the other hand, i don't know if it is unreasonable of me to have these expectations for how she should feel emotionally about things? it's not like she'd choose to get angry, and clearly she wants me to stop things if i have to regardless, so it feels like it would be inappropriate to wish she would feel some other way than she would.

but also, internally, i'm worried that if i know she'll be angry, i won't be able to stop things, at least not deliberately? i know in my heart that if i were in that situation and i had the option to swallow my discomfort and go along, just to avoid making her mad, that i would, even though i know it wouldn't be right and isn't what she'd want. but i also know that my insecurity & people-pleasing are problems of mine, and not her responsibility. it's not her fault that i'm ill-equipped (or, honestly, unwilling) to assert boundaries or stand up for myself, and if I were to let myself trick her into hurting me because of that, I would be doing wrong by her, not the other way around. and, frankly, i kind of wear my emotions on my sleeve, i wouldn't even be capable of hiding my discomfort, so she'd obviously be able to tell & hit the brakes herself - so does any of this actually matter at all??

as additional context, she has some sexual trauma from a past relationship, and i don't. i have my own anxieties & baggage relating to sex, just, from being a trans lesbian and stuff, but it's obviously not the same, so i'm of course not entirely on the same wavelength as her. everything about this feels so complicated and it seems like almost anything could be a factor? and she's so patient with me about other things. I second-guess myself CONSTANTLY about basically everything, and I feel like most of the people who i could talk to about it might not necessarily get it. so i've just been kind of ruminating in circles and turning it into a huge tangled mess in my head.

i'm very sorry about the super super long ask! i hope it isn't too much trouble. thank you for running this blog!

Hello! This is admittedly more of a therapy thing but I'm going to answer this anyway.

So, here's the thing, Anon: I don't know your girlfriend, so I can't guarantee what she meant. Maybe she's also overthinking and going "I don't want to promise something definitely when maybe someday something obscure is going to happen and cause me to break that promise" or some shit.

That said, I think this is definitely important!

You deal with a lot of anxiety and this sounds like it'll probably further complicate sex, especially if you don't figure out exactly what she means. It makes sense you'd be wary or bothered at the possibility she might be angry at you for not being able to have sex, that's scary!

Being wary that someone might be angry at you for something you can't help isn't the same as dictating someone's emotions, Anon. That's a very natural reaction, actually. It's what one might call "a red flag".

You do have personal responsibility about your consent and boundaries and insecurities, that's true, but those are also part of your relationship now.

You should both know about each others feelings and boundaries and making sure each other are consenting. It would not just be your fault if you agreed to something because you were trying to manage her emotions and issues.

I know this probably isn't the advice you want, Anon, but this is a situation where you need to talk to her. Explain to her what you're worried about, ask her why she insinuated she might get angry at you for saying no, all of that.

You're in a relationship. Communicating is a very important part of that, especially if sex is involved and you both have baggage.

Neither of you should be having sex without talking more and figuring out how to manage each others triggers and boundaries and if she doesn't want to talk about this, don't have sex.

If she's not kind about it or refuses to talk, then it sounds like she's not a good person for you to be with.

Also, if she's going to be mad at you for saying no and there's no discussion of "how do we build trust so that you understand my possible anger is my issue and you should not say yes to manage it", then it also sounds like she's not a good person for you to be with.

Because that's clearly a trigger for you (which is very fair) and you've already stated it would impair your ability to consent properly.

You don't need to have specific trauma related to sex to be allowed to have specific boundaries and questions surrounding it, Anon and if she's kind and patient outside of this, I think she'll understand that. Talk.

I'm not sure if this is helpful but don't worry about the long ask, it's okay. Lemme know if you have any other questions. Sending love and courage, Anon. <3

[intersexcat-tboy]

It's so silly to think that trans men have "an easier time claiming womanhood" when "trans men can't be lesbians" and hostility as a masc in feminine spaces exist (transandrophobia includes the bigotry butches face btw, bigotry isn't limited to a specific identity)

TERFs and GCs claim to include trans men, but it's only the idea. Once they actually meet us and talk directly, they treat us as predators. Once we're there (by choice or force), they ask us to leave (often violently).

They automatically treat gay trans mascs as rapists trying to enforce conversion therapy on cis gay men.

It also ignores race, like how black women already have to fight for their rightful place and are constantly degendered and (perceived as) hypermascualized. (I often hear some black trans men talking about how they aren't women, but they are still Black Women bc Black Woman is its own expierence bc of intersections). How difficult it can be for trans mascs to get gynecologic care, from dealing with insurance to dealing with people.

I see far too many posts talking about how people often stopped talking to them, started being mean, outright losing their entire support system by being kicked out of (or ghosted from) friend + support groups.