#this isnt for an art shockingly

[synthshenanigans]

Kiiinda a random question but I promise I gots a reason for it

also i dont wanna list like 20+ characters so youre getting superstars

[neomechanical]

hi tumblr i missed u ive been playingb around with paint 3d

[rraakkee]

she, is........ she

[jupitercl0uds-art]

omg shes so short 😭

[filmfactors]

I watched Stand by Me 2 and was pleasantly surprised by how not god awful it was, it was only okay though- it improved on what made the first so bad but it still remained to have terrible things. Couldn’t stand Doraemon and especially not adult Nobita, the ending was also so unnecessary and ruined the nice things of the film.

Suneo and Gian were the highlight of this one for real this time, they made me smile. So was the grandma stuff! However, this is once again the case of other Doraemon movies/specials having the same things but done better than this one.

[foggy2109]

Watching The Body after loosing a parents is definitely something else. Its truly a masterpiece of an episode that captures death in a way that's so shockingly realistic. This is a show where our main characters regularly fight vampires and demons, it's so different from the rest of the show. It's confusing in a way death usually is.

Like you feel immediately this isnt a normal episode. The lighting is off, there is no music. The whole stylisation of the episode kinda sepperates you from whats happening, its stark and bleak. And most importantly, there is no metaphor; it's just human

The acting is incredible. Its the first episode willow and tara kiss and its so beautiful. Anya’s whole “why” monologue hits so good (her saying she wishes joyce didn't die, like she is a vengeance demon, wish is such a strong word for her), it's such a great representation of the utter confusion that comes with death. Tara and buffys conversation. Like it's all so well done.

My mom died a month ago and i have felt so lost since. Like im living in the same house she died in, im eating from the plates she ate from, im typing this on the phone she baught for me, im rewatching buffy on her old dvd’s. Im doing the exact same things i used to do before, exept she's not here anymore and feels so wrong, i feel wrong and i think this episode helped me understand myself in a way. If that makes sense.

Art is truly such a wonderful way to put things in your life into perspective, things that you might not understand yourself. Idk i just love this episode.

[catboygirljoker]

fun writing tip: you can justify making your blorbos as good at sex as you want if you also make it depressing

i will try not to be too graphic or horny and keep it mostly to character study analysis themes core motivations plot conflicts etc type discussion. still, id really prefer that folks under 18 do not interact with me on this post or about this topic in general, thanks!

for obvious reasons this post is gonna have a cut

UNLIKE HIS DIIIIICK [EXTREMELY LOUD AIRHORNS]

. sorry i just feel like hed appreciate that joke. uh anyway

Brief discussions of: BDSM, including sadomasochism; edgeplay; derealization/dysphoria; self-destructive recklessness in a sexual context.

ok. so there's this fictional guy. and i kiiiiiiind of have a crush on him. and i'm a basic bitch, so, like, obviously, when i think about him hornystyle, i want to imagine him being good at sex.

the thing is, "good at sex" is not always a particularly interesting trait to give a character! it can often be an eyerolling power fantasy trait. like "this is my oc Chuck Dongburger he has a ten pound cock and can make a babe cum just by lookin at her" yknow. it's a trait that, handled incorrectly, is more likely to flatten conflict than create it—more likely to make stories more boring than to make them more interesting.

also, "being good at sex" isnt a magical blessing that descends upon someone by chance. it is a quality that stems from a set of experiences and traits. it is a skill that one develops, or fails to develop.

so the question is, how do i justify him being good at sex? how do i make it feel believable and interesting?

the answer is simple! make it depressing! (that is, relate it directly to the character's central themes and conflicts, and therefore make it a natural part of/inclusion in their story)

in canon, xigbar has had multiple bodies, lost his heart multiple times, allowed himself to be a vessel for darkness on multiple occasions. he has endured all of this to carry out the will of his masters. every social role we've ever seen him take has been subservient to someone else, even if it has usually also involved social power over others, too.

here are the sex/relationship headcanons i have that expand on this:

related to: gender/sexuality

bisexual. for starters. obviously. his transness i have Deep Headcanons about, but his bisexuality is just "idk im bi so hes bi hee hee"

luxu is a binary trans man who experienced severe dysphoria in his original body and never felt like that body really belonged to him in the first place. to the best of his ability he has only chosen cis male vessels, including braig. in those cases he feels extreme disconnect from his body but not [very noticeable] gender dysphoria. the only thing connecting him to his cis male bodies is his sexual characteristics. theres this great art piece that has never left my brain that conveys the idea im going for. his face his hair his bones none of those are his, none of thise feel real, none of those feel right. but what does feel right is his dick.

related to: him being Good at Sex™

he is Very Experienced. he's tried a lot of shit and had a lot of bodies and largely had nothing better to do than be a horndog and kill time suckin and fuckin. he is down for just about anything with just about anybody. he knows how bodies work and knows how to deal with the exceptions and roll with awkwardness and uncomfortableness.

he is pretty good at reading people—it's a skill he has had to develop over his lifetime. he is sometimes wrong, but usually right, and reading people, understanding them, lets him feel like he has some kind of control or power over them. this is relevant because this is part of what makes him Good at Sex. he is shockingly responsive and attentive; not completely unselfish as a lover, but he won't blindly exert his will onto the other person and expect them to respond just because he has a big dick or is going faster or harder or whatever.

related to: his backstory as luxu

sex for him is a means of exerting control over the world, proving his own competence and worth to himself and another person, gaining some simulacrum of human connection, distracting himself from his derealization, grounding himself in his body, expressing and claiming his masculinity. all things, i headcanon, he also achieves (or seeks/has sought to achieve) from keyblade mastery.

he views his bodies as disposable, and knowing that he can just jump ship if he totals a body means that he processes pain differently than most people. not in a "all pain makes him horny" way*—it's more that pain doesn't make his self-preservation kick in the same way it does for other people. in bdsm/kink settings he is a masochist [as well as a sadist] and more reckless with edgeplay (when it comes to himself) than he really ought to be.

obviously i have specific personal motivation for wanting to headcanon this (he and his body are both Significantly Older Than Me) but i don't think he's too bothered by an age gap. some people it makes sense to me to imagine that they'd really want to date within their age and maturity range, but i think xigbar's chill as long as the person he's dating is a self-posessed adult. considering how long he's been alive, he's gonna have a significant gap in experience with ANYBODY; there isn't that much of a difference between him dating a 25 year old vs a 45 or 85 year old.

he has told close romantic partners about his Whole Deal before. it has never gone well. ("what do you mean youve been moving into random people's bodies in order to stay alive long enough to bring back a guy who intentionally manipulated his students into killing all of their students via senseless war??") they never understand and he doesn't know why they don't understand (i also headcanon him having severe cognitive dissonance vis a vis the MoM but that's a different post). his instinct is to put up a wall and go "well theyre just naive and stupid and haven't seen what i've seen, theyre too sentimental to understand this". he still keeps trying (if with less frequency) because he is desperate for someone to understand.

*i want to make this crystal clear: i do not headcanon xigbar as being automatically turned on by receiving or causing pain in every context, because he is a boss in a video game franchise where he fights teenagers. i am not comfortable sexualizing those fights!

(i do however think there are contexts where he might indulge in some "battle sadomasochism" when fighting another adult—maybe he makes it weird for them on purpose to fuck with them, maybe they're both into it and it's all foreplay, etc)

related to: him being subservient

youd think that when i talked about him being subservient to others, i was building up to a headcanon about him being a sub. however it feels most correct [and fun] to me to imagine him being a dom-leaning switch vers (doesnt get dysphoria from bottoming because. prostate). social role and personal dynamics dont necessarily correspond to sexual dynamics!

the headcanon i was actually building up to was that he craves affirmation in specific ways from specific people. he is desperate for someone else to give him worth. he wants to do a good job serving an authority he deems worthy of respect. he wants to be useful, he wants to serve a purpose and have a role. he hates feeling like he needs something from someone else, and feels much more comfortable if they need something from him.

he doesn't have a praise kink in a traditional sense, but he does really get his rocks off from being Good At Sex and from his lovers clearly and obviously enjoying themselves. he doesn't wanna be told hes done a good job, he wants to know, to tell from experience that he's blown someone's mind.

furthermore, in romance, he becomes a massive simp. if he likes someone enough to fall for them then they hang the fucking moon for him. he is outside in the rain crying throwing up begging for a sniff. absolutely pathetic. its not a total transformation of personality, i think he'd really hide it and really want to hide it. but i think in most situations it'd be subtle but observable. every joke he makes is directed to them and checked against their reaction; he stands at a middle distance outside of conversation kinda watching them, observing every move, memorizing their gestures and tics and quirks. he feels i love you before the first date but won't say it until five years into the relationship.

related to: i couldnt put it in the other sections and i really only made these section headers so it wasnt just big walls of text oops

he's a low empathy emotionally constipated bitch at the best of times, so he substitutes emotional intimacy with physical intimacy. picking up people at bars or dances or what have you for one night stands, satisfying them thoroughly, and then immediately dropping out of their lives.

he actively avoids romance (and any emotional closeness, including the completely platonic kind). but he hasn't always been this way. i think Dark Road was the most recent in a long long string of experiences where he lost people he was close to. he's tired of hurting people and getting hurt.

. im not gonna get into it because im trying not to be like too too horny in this post but hes So fucking brat tamer coded to me. i think you will understand at least the surface level reasons for this. i guess if i wanted to relate it to Themes i'd say something like "there is a specific romantic and sexual fantasy in being an asshole and even hurting someone and them still wanting you and trusting you and loving you and even enjoying it" but. well we dont need to go there do we

these are just the Depressing / Character-Related / Themes-y headcanons. some of my headcanons are just like "i think this would be funny and/or in character and/or hot" but you see how long this list is anyway. if i started in on all of that then we'd be here forever.

also, these are just headcanons! they're informed by analysis but shaped heavily by what appeals to me personally, what i find hot, what i find compelling about his character. if your headcanons for him differ from mine in any way, i don't think you're Wrong, because we're talking about the sexuality of a guy who comes from a video game franchise where characters are barely allowed to hold hands. this is all just toys and playing

anyway thank you for reading this post lmao its so long

JUST LIKE HIS DIIIIIIIIIIII—

[rpgbabe]

Fav blogs? 🩶

genuinely too many to list :C there are so many wonderful blogs/ppl on here that ive been foloing/mutuals with for so long for a good reason. i dont wanna cop out and say 'everyone i reblog from' or 'everyone i follow' or anything like that but just kno.. if i like ur stuff and interact w u, that's all genuine + real + ur one of my favs for sure bc i dont fake that stuff. (also if i foloed u on my new blog bc.. i honestly couldnt be assed to find any1 but my favs on here lmao) follows + reblogs of non-original pictures can be shallow but if im actually liking ur personal stuff n everything, i like you and probably want to kno u better :.) i couldnt list all of the ppl in this category bc theres too many + id def miss ppl BUT to actually give you a genuine answer, i do have some blogs that stand out to me bc of their personality + impact + just our general interactions/connection soo

@comingtoyoursenses angel. actual positivity (not like fake positive shallow phony stuff).. beautiful literary sense, soso sweet. she is actually the light <3 not sure how she puts up w me im so negative but i never feel judged by her wah perfection. genuinely too good for me or any1, inspires me to be better :,) also ik i dont need to say more but i feel like she just has a rare nuanced eye for things like so many well-intentioned ppl on here will like see things in black and white and be rly unaccepting of others but i feel like liz has a rare ability to genuinely be open-minded n it's a very special quality imho

@eucalyptus111 honestly one of the realest ppl ive met on here.. i love how she never bullshits + isnt scared to tell me what she rly thinks, conversation comes so naturally bc she's so interesting + so honest + genuine + actually takes the time to rly get to know ppl which is shockingly rare -_- it takes a lot for me to feel comfortable around ppl so quick but w her it's so natural <3 feel like i've known her 4ever

@sklira so talented, so modest, so unique. always introducing me to new things (unintentionally loll) + always standing out from others like so so refreshing. also feel like we have similar passions for like old web/retro gaming/that culture, even tho we're also so diff (bc sklira is way cooler than me ofc heh..) just such a genuine love for art and music and film that isn't just manufactured for internet popularity, one of the rare ppl actually using the internet as it's intended i feel

@blackmold just <3333333. she knows how i feel.. in another life we'd be soulmates. always thinking of her + wishing her the best

@exnymphette kissing on the lips. soul tie. sharing a heart.. one of the only ppl on here i feel like i could just bare my entire soul n she would probably not judge me or hate me for it ;-; need her bak

and ofc everyone like this that has deactivated or become less active, they know who they are, i love them sm 4evr <33!

aand i could do like a whole other section just for aes blogs/non-personal blogs that r just rly cool so.. silent s/o to all of them ofc.. i wont bog down this list too much bc it's already 2 much v.v if u r looking for like actual blog recs tho maybe i can try to answer that sometime as well bc that's probably more like actually useful for other ppl lmao<3

[philiawrites143]

Henri and June Headcanons! (The Ssum)

A/N: Hi! Finally doing some Headcannons for the season 2 boys like I've been wanting to lol. I meant for these to be general relationship headcanons but they're more or less date headcanons with some extra in-person stuff thrown in lol. I genuinely love these characters so much even if their stories are being taken in questionable, at best, directions. So here's to some happy time with them!!!

~June~:

-Beach date obv! Especially one where you watch the sunset together, he immediately knew it would be the first date he would go on with you once the day cane you could meet in person. -Any kind of picnic! Bonus if its a picnic during the above date idea! -Since he spent so much of his life forced to stay away from the world, hes much bigger on going-out dates (But he still isnt the biggest fan of the crowds and prefers to avoid them as much as possible, same with Henri) -Mainly loves nature dates, but activity dates are awesome too! Like a carnival! (He may be way to scared for a rollercoaster though...but he could MAYBE be convinced lmao) -Obviously an art museum date would be amazing, but if you're like me and also like museum's with fossils and science exhibits that get you all excited June would OBVIOUSLY come with you and adore how excited you get, he may even get excited about something he didn't really think that much of just because the way you feel about it puts it into a different perspective for him <3 -A staying-in type of date my friend said they could he with him would be a cute little pajama date, MASSIVE sleepover vibes -All cuddled up watching movies or a show with some DELICIOUS snacks and food. -I could also see maybe a little tickle fight breaking out, fluffiest couple ever award goes to-! -Also another obvious hc but you are his muse so he would love to paint you :') -Even better if you like painting yourself! Then you can sit and pain together! Whether it be eachother or just what has you inspired that day. -He would probably cry if you painted him no matter what it looked like. He love art and the fact that you share in his hobby AND see him as YOUR muse?!? Cut the cameras he's ungly crying (but everything he does is pretty lmao)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~Henri~:

-Arcade date! I know he had one with June but I 100% see him wanting to take you on one as well -If not arcade date then maybe playing videgames together in general, since we see him on a nintendo switch in offical art - If you're competing in game, HE IS SO TEASING YOU IF YOU LOSE, but in like the silly goofy way y'know? -I think if you guys played a co-op game, whether it be a co-op puzzle game or another different kind of game that has co-op (both you would have to intoduce to him bc of the kind of life we all know he had) I think he would be shockingly good at them after getting used to it, almost frustratingly so. Honestly, as a team you guys would be crazy good at whatever game it is, he might sabotage you on purpose every once in a while... but its all in good fun!! -(He thinks you're cute when you're mad, but only in low stakes/playful situations.) -He's really big on stay-in dates because they just make him feel more comfortable I think -While i see this kind of date working for both him and June (My bias towards this date idea is showing) I think a going out and not gaming related date he'd enjoy with you would be an aquarium! -In all honesty i think he would do almost any kind of date if it made you happy or excited, so if youre like me and get realy excited about aquariums, his heart will melt seeing you get all excited in the pretty aquatic lighting. -May try to say complete lies about whatever creatures you're looking at and pass them off as a fact, and then laugh and tease you if you fall for it -Less related to just dates and more so related to just finally being able to be together in person, but I feel like Henri is MUCH more of a physical touch kind of person than he ever thought he was. Being with you makes him realize just how touchstarved and hungry for affection he is T-T

(Hello! I've been reading on Tumblr forever but this is my first time trying to write something and post it 😂. I still have no clue what I'm doing with formatting or how to make my post look pretty, but I'm hoping I'll figure it out 💀. I hope you liked it!! Hopefully I can figure more stuff out and be able to post what all fandoms I'll write for, and take requests soon!)

[warmcoals]

so. teppu. probably the best sports girl thing ever with the least polish ever, technically finished but certainly doesnt feel that way. the plot is so shockingly twisted and spiteful and selfish and traumatized and it works perfectly. the main character is a freak but the depths of her pain that make her this fucked up serious sadomasochist girl are all haunting: broken heart, loneliness, abuse, autism probably, it's all there in the flashbacks. and such short flashbacks, for her and all the characters; every last side character has a fascinating depth and backstory that is just barely revealed in a 5 panel glimpse while yr left to fill in the blanks of their psyche from their current actions and the fights.

AND THE FIGHTS!

i literally thought "this is the dark souls of sports manga" bc four out of five chapters are strictly combat mixed w insane inner monologue. the exact opposite problem of any sport or shonen youve ever read, we barely get two peeks at training before it's immediate time skip to Big Tourney Round 1. even the school scenes end in brawls, verbal or physical or both. the art is stunning, composition anatomy faces all of it, and the characterization thru the progression of the fight itself is so rich and juicy you arent left wanting for a different pace. even the side characters are fascinating and cool.

the characters! every different age and size and build of girl n woman possible in mma. super cool design super varied and unusual archetypes. theres a catgirl office lady named cameron diaz. amazing. plus the main character and her two primary rivals, basically her messy ex and her clueless crush, are all just so varied and multifaceted and cool. nobody is the weakest link.

rly the only problem is how sudden it ends. in the first third the mangaka sets up a whole Trigger-style power rank progression that u can see escalating over like 50-70 chapters: school rival, real rival, the adult plot, real rivals's rival, etc. it demands time for wins and losses and rematches and growth...that it doesnt get. suddenly the rivals have fought and it's Immediately over. so much left unexplored unexplained untouched. there are notes from the author throughout (even the shit scanlation doesnt miss em) that indicate a struggle to write n draw n complete this series, so im super glad it was Seen Thru, and even Great and Satisfying. it just coulda been so much more. and also as a downside, there's a shitawful older brother central to the plot. blegh. silver lining is the ending isnt a total bummer at least.

overall teppu is a sick story about being fueled by spite and hate and wanting one thing so bad you lose sight of everything else, and then regardless of the result, you wind up a better person in the end for all the effort. extremely recommend.

[soapexclamationmark]

HAS SOME REFERENCES TO SPOILERS UP TO EGGHEAD

So i really really like one piece so ive been starting to re-read it the past few days and i just finished up orange town and i wanted to talk about it, because its a lot cooler than i remember! first of all, i really appreciate chou-chous part, i know thats a pretty lukewarm take, but its the first time in the whole series where we see luffy fight for someone else, and its the first time we see him get angry over injustice, and it does a GREAT job setting up the tone for the grand adventure that follows (note while im doing minor editing to make sure this post isnt shit, still probably is, but we also got to see luffy fight for the small girl in romance dawn, but chou-chou is cooler than her and i still think this example truly shines as an early example of this theme so im keeping it)

as always Oda does a really good job of making luffy's anger really *feel* impactful. the scene afterwards where luffy gives chouchou the bag of dog food that he got from the burning building is also amazing and really shows that going forward its not only luffy's wrath that matters, but his love for those facing injustice. honestly this arc does a LOT to introduce luffy's character, the moment when he smashed the mayor into the wall to knock him out. him doing this still works in his what we have seen previously, but alongside his interactions with the townsfollk after the battle with buggy we can see that even if luffy sometimes struggles to understand people (its ok my autistic king, we've all been there) he is shockingly emotionally intellegent. also, the art in this arc is SO much better than romance dawn. maybe its a personal thing but i dont really care for romance dawns art style, its a bit to simple and overly round for me, but orange town has a really great mix of what the artstyle will come to be while still mainly having that older one piece charm, and oda definitally flexes his art skills more in this arc. also reference to the sunken continent?????? in my chapter 19?????

im going to stop short of showing pictures of the art and talking about it because i dont know art that well, and if you want that you should go watch tbskyen's best panel in every chapter of one piece series because he does a much better job of art analysis than i could ever do. i remember there being more i wanted to talk about but i cant remember them right now so im just gonna end on the note that this arc was really funny! i still really like the humour in modern one piece but i found myself laughing a lot more in this arc than ive laughed at one piece in quite some time!! to end, im just gonna put a page that i thought was really funny and had quite a good laugh at.

[eruukat-art]

having the very silly/unusual problem of putting off getting back into jrpgs bc i know id have too many art ideas...... ive been (pleasantly) shockingly productive with art the past month or so, yet i keep coming up with ideas, so it feels like im trying to move a lake with a spoon.

each spoonful of ideas i get to work on is enjoyable, certainly, and im excited to see my work get closer to achieving certain styles and levels of polish + technique. but there are so many spoonfuls in a lake!!!! and im coming up with ideas for video game art as is, so i know that getting into them more would absolutely add to said lake.

furthermore, id want to branch out and try different compositions and types of pieces, which is exciting!! but also kind of daunting, considering it feels like studying and focusing on one niche still hasnt resulted in me grasping that niche yet.. so adding more onto that feels overwhelming at this moment, even though im gathering resources for it in the backburner of my mind.

i dont mean any of this as a lament of time or energy or anything, moreso musing on my mixed excitement + ideation + apprehension and writing down some of my current thoughts on my work, especially as my accounts are slowly growing and gaining more followers. i adore creating cute pieces and fashion/makeup centric stuff, but branching out into more poster-like or painting-like pieces is on my mind, too, even if that isn’t reflected in my work yet + i have a harder time drafting images in that style. im not sure how to describe it, but its like.. artwork that feels grand and captures aspects of the narrative in some visual way, even though it isnt a specific scene, if that makes sense..... doing some work that blends vivid color palettes with a wider range of emotion, too, like bringing out the eerie/unusual/unnerving sides to a character

[stickfigurepurple]

ive never actually understood the transitioned Vince transmasc hc but ur real for that....Manon would be so supportive I think she'd just want Rody to be happy esp in an AU where Rody got her shit together

I think a Rody and Manon date night under this au we've made apparently would go smth like:

Manon and Rody going out to a small restaurant or watching a movie in cinema or at home, Manon tries to teach Rody the art of being a stoner (stoner Manon hc from the lovely conversation i had with my partner over a meme of Rody smoking a blunt badly) Rody fails cuz girlfail and Manon and Rody have a lil fashion show where Manon tries not to cringe. bonus Manon calls Vince in forgetting he's gaudy as shit (i forget how bad it is in the actual game but Vince is just. kinda gaudy with at the very least interior design to me) and now Vince is tryna help Rody's poor ass except neither of them can fashion that well (see: Vince isnt that good with fashion either imo) while Manon just giggles the whole time and they're all having a blast

i love this au we've suddenly made this is so real

i think the transmasc vincent headcanon comes from the photo in his office which is described to have a woman that looks "shockingly similar to vincent" in it. to me this seems like a hint that he's transitioned transmasc? since it doesn't mention his family at all so it seems unlikely there'd be a random photo of them in there

but also so true for real. i think vincent probably thinks he has a good sense of style and fashion meanwhile rody and manon can both tell his lack of taste extends to fashion too. and rody goes "dude you have such shitty interior design skills" and manon is like "oh don't you start" and proceeds to put him on blast for every horrible outfit he's ever worn

[primalspice]

Ratty - 🚗, 🎮, 📚, 💯, 🚫, 🍎, ❤️, 🖤, 🥯, 🧐, 🤩, 👨,

🔧

🚗 — does your oc have a driver's license? can they drive/operate any automobiles/machinery besides cars?

She has a driver’s license AND she’s forklift certified <3 she doesn’t particularly enjoy driving, though, because no one follows the rules of the road like she does. Shes the only good one everyone else is a fool.

🎮 — what are three of your oc's favorite hobbies?

Her favorite hobbies include building/fixing random shit, listening to music, and crying. She’s never had much time on her hands until very recently, so shes got no idea what to do with herself. I think she should get into art tho. It would free her soul. 

📚 — what level of education has your oc most recently completed/is currently in (GED, undergraduate, grad school, phd, etc)?

She didn’t really graduate highschool traditionally bcz she went to the military at 16 but she has the equivalent of like a bachelors or trade school level education ig??? She has much more hands-on experience than things that look good on paper just because of the way that the region zero military tends to run things, which i suppose has its pros and cons (great for doing things efficiently in a factory, NOT great for being the president and making decisions and being diplomatic about your special interest). She has certifications in different areas that she can at least show; power plant operations, nuclear arms safety/handling/exports, aforementioned forklift certification, etc. She’d probably have like a GED and a bachelor’s in engineering if I were to compare her actual schooling to something normal. And just a lot of varied job/trades experiences. 

💯 — share three random facts about your oc that others may not know.

We dont talk much about the MANY years she lives in an apartment by herself but maybe that's for good reason. r/malelivingspace meme passing.

least expected recreational drug enjoyer bcz shes a timid geek but if she lived in a free and fun world she'd be trying more. she doesnt really tend to have a fun time on alcohol or pills (vague) or shitty region zero weed or even cocaine but she still tries <3 not like she can make her brain much worse than it is

Her eyesight is awful and she's had glasses since she was like 11. she would wear sports goggles before ever trading them out for contacts no matter how annoying they get; she thinks they look good on her (shes right) and is comforted by the fact that they partially hide her face.

🚫  — does your oc drink/smoke? do they do it regularly, or is it more on occasion or for special events?

She drinks recreationally or occasionally smokes (although harder drugs are preferred 😐). If coping counts as a special event then it’s only for special events, but oh how she’s always coping.

🍎 — where was your oc born? do they still live in/around their place of birth or do they live somewhere else? how do they feel about their birthplace?

Harvey was born in the north-east of the region, which is not a particularly citizen-friendly area so much as a space for industry and military operations. Lower-class families such as hers are its major populace. She moved out quite quickly, since she dormed with the military in the (south-eastish) starting at 16 until her early 20s-ish. Once she got a job that wasn’t directly with the military, she moved back to an apartment somewhat near her hometown, but more for convenience than wanting to be near family. she has mixed feelings about her hometown; it's much of what made her into the person she is today with the passions that she has, but theres also a lot of painful memories there. everythings a painful memory tho, isnt it.

❤️ — what are three of your oc's positive traits?

Shockingly she has plenty of positive traits *smiles* she is HARD-WORKING she is HUMBLE she is KNOWLEDGEABLE (bonus: she is cute)

🖤 — has your oc killed or seriously wounded anyone before? have they broken someone's heart and/or broken someone's trust?

Shes not….. Directly killed anyone LOL. Although those who are critical of the things she let slide in terms of nuclear waste production and disposal might say otherwise….. Shes quite traditionally nonviolent and wouldn't really ever fight or hurt someone physically (altho she could probably fair pretty well tbh), not a fan of violence at all she just really enjoys weapons <3 Cognitive dissonance swag. As for broken hearts/trust, not really??? Faust was quite offended when she indirectly let her army get so out of hand that they start sister-killing but thats quite the jump to make. Although she probably shouldve at least condemned it LOL.

🥯 — what does your oc's typical breakfast look like? do they usually eat breakfast?

Shes not a big breakfast-eater because she likes to suffer ig. If left to her own devices she’d probably just have a coffee, but she’d usually get like a bagel or some oatmeal or something pushed on her while working in the capital. 

🧐 — is your oc more logical or emotional?

It’s complicated LOL. shes an ISTJ n all but she also has severe anxiety that dictates every part of her life so I might say shes more emotional. Her fearful loyalty to the status quo and worries life in region zero allow her to make poor decisions even though she knows the outcome might be poorer than if she were to make decisions that were more against-the-grain. She struggles to make decisions that make her uncomfortable or afraid, even if they’re logical.

🤩 — is your oc a planner, or are they more spontaneous in their actions?

She definitely prefers to plan. She enjoys having a routine and likes for life to be mostly predictable. It would make most ppl insane but she’s lucky enough that such a thing works for her. Any sudden deviation from the Usual makes her scream and cry and piss tho

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 — how many people are in your oc's immediate family? how many people are in your oc's extended family? do they have aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc? who in their family are they closest with? are they close with their birth family, or do they have a found family?

Her immediate family consists of just her, raymond, and their mom and dad. Im sure she has an aunt/uncle or two as well, and some cousins, but not really any that she was particularly close with, especially considering that she was quite distant even from her immediate family. She’s had 3 or so generations of family members living in region zero and Most of them are dysfunctional and cold and working-class so perhaps all this is a curse she was born into. She had to become ok with being alone at a very young age and shes worse off for that <3 Raymond was, of course, who she was closest too but that got taken away pretty quickly. Things aren’t really the same now, even though hes not really dead. 

[lexa-griffins]

Hi lovely 💕 I love your art of Willow and Skye! The twins are so cute and adorable together covered in mud from their adventures on the farm looking for their animal friends. I see Willow found her froggy friend and tucked him into her pocket. I love the glasses on Skye. He looks so lovable and sweet. The twins look shockingly like mini Clarke if she had redder hair. I'm always blown away by your art lovely especially for farm clexa 🥰 Would you ever consider drawing their entire family together?

Hello lovely 💕

Thank you 🥰 they are just two litte mud covered babies sjdosnsod

She does have a little frog on her pocket!!! I really wanted Skye to have those adorable roundish glasses some kids need 🥺 he and Lexa match too because when Lexa isnt working outside she'll switch her contacts for her good old glasses 🥰

They do!!! Lexa is ao glad that despite Aden being blonde he ends up looking so much more like her than Clarke shdjd dont get her wrong she thinks her wife is the most beautiful woman alive and she is so happy her babies look like her but she spent 3 years on her high horse about how much Madi looked like her just for the next 3 to look like Clarke 😅

I do wanna draw the entire family at some point, especially now that I know how they all look like! Im not used to drawing more than 2 people interacting, so that might be a challenge for me, but it is something I'd wanna draw in the future! It would be even cute to draw the different stages of their family, a very young clexa, them being a little older, Lexa's first pregnancy, Madi being here than etc etc. But THAT is for sure a challenge I'll need a lot more practice for 😅

[luckynumbersevenseven]

Last night i was writing a poem on the 580 east coming back from point reyes. Driving fast to give off an air of confidence. And not an air of “i am actually writing a sort of sad really sad poem behind the wheel of a car going at least 20 mph over the speed limit on the freeway at night”. Its not like i havent learned enough lessons. I know the risks. I have been in car accidents, like more by the age of 24 than most people have in their entire life. And still i am risking my life to write a poem. Is that poetic?ughhhh Maybe but also corny and just self destructive. I have stopped romanticising self distruction mostly. I take care of myself now and find reality quite enough to keep me…entertained? Occupied? Satisfied???? I enjoy making my bed every day. I am disgusted by the vacancy in the darkness that once seemed to promise so much to me.

I think about cars a lot. The potential and power they hold. These big metal dogs. And we can hold their leash for a time and pretend we have control. All day! Every day! As a means to an end! We do this forgetting that the dog isnt really a dog but is a machine and was not programmed for empathy. Because you cant program empathy. Machines areimpartial. Like the ocean or a forrest fire in some ways. Undiscerning. Unforgiving. A carless power…but there is no beauty in cars the way there is in the careless power of nature. Because the earth cares in a very differnt way. It does care. And because behind the invention or creation of the bloodless metal car beast is someone who did care and that is where it starts to unravel.

Whatever.

I find i do my best thinking while driving. I cant stop my mind from making poems. And then there is the desperation to not forget! The words that first fit that feeling! Is it worth dying over? The answer is sooooo obvious when i am judging from here in my bed. What the fuck.

I met two 5 day old goats last night. Behind a tarp in a hutch on a property in santa rosa. I was there to see the art of someone i met once and there was a cheesboard and everyone was middle aged and there were no lights by which to see anyones faces. The tiny goats seemed a cold and were shockingly passive to my touch. It was unsettling that something so young and new and small should trust me. I might have bad intentions. I dont even know my own intentions half the time. I have the power to kiss them or to kill them. The capacity or potential or whatever. Like a coiled spring, like how sometimes you think about saying the worst possible thing but you dont. But you could! But it seemed like maybe it wasnt about trust for the little goats? Like they just dont even know enough to trust or distrust. Like they didnt care. Their hair was soft and white still softer than grown goats but maybe not as soft as a lambs. And they were vaguely oily the way any farm animal is. But not smelly. And they did not shy from my touch. Nor did they really seem to welcome it. I dont think either one would have put up a fight if i had picked it up and left with it under my arm. I think it might have gladly slept in my warm bed with me. Impartial. Undiscerning.

When I saw the goats I played out some sort of fairy tale trade in my head. I lost my baby…so i earned this baby. ? Or something? But i forfeited? my baby. I do not get to take another one. A goat baby to replace the baby i know i could not have. Because because i am not ready? I would not love it the way i want to? The way a mother should? The way it would want? It? My baby. My baby.

Oh what do i know…i am living within a hypothetical. Not that the choice wasnt obvious. But the what ifs are soooo tempting.

The things that i wrote in the notes app on my phone while i was driving last night were mostly about the relief in giving up hope. Hope is so exhausting. My friend told me that they read somewhere that hope is similar to fear in its detriment to the mind and body. And i can attest. Like…the way you let out your breath when a door finally closes. Or when you try on something and it doesnt fit. The decision was made for you. Shows over. The relief in saying goodbye and meaning it.

I was thinking about how there is tissue/matter coming out of me following the abortion. It is somehow more clinical than blood. Less romantic. Grosser. I was thinking about how i had the weird urge to eat it. Maybe because in some way it wouldnt feel like a loss. Like in this way im capable of holding on or something. But whatever that metaphor doesnt even work cause id have to shit one day. But also the urge didnt feel metaphorical…just sudden and disgusting.

In my notes I wrote:

I hold onto the rag i used to clean up the spill of you

I live with it under my pillow

Weeping over whats unsung

Or what is sung and never heard because that is sadder

Repeating the lyrics under my breath

So i wont forget

And i got home and i did forget entirely until I read my note. I forgot all about how i would never sing a song to this particular baby. Or maybe any baby of my own. And how that made me want to break for a moment. A moment. Because longer than a moment might be self indulgent. And i am not broken. I just want to be able to break. For a moment. Like i am asking permission. A moment? Is it ok if i just break? I swear just for a moment i will be broken? And then i promise to put myself back together again just like before as quick as i can as good as i can. I promise. But there was nobody there to ask for permission. So i didnt.

The nurse (the one that wasnt my hinge match) asked if i wanted to know if it was twins.

I whispered “i want a hug” to the dark house. And then i cried for the person who said something so sad.

Like a child.

I am doing better though! I make my bed. I make my bed and and i think i am mostly doing better.

I hold myself up to an old picture for size. I use new language to describe my pain. Or whatever. And share the blame. I take the pill. I forgo the rest. I dont even have sex anymore.

Yea yea but here i am. And the blood-dimmed tide is loosed and everywhere.

I didnt write it all down though. In my head i was turning over a line about waking up in the night and confusing the crescent of the face on the pillow next to me –– momentarily illuminated by the passing light from a car––for the moon

Thinking a lot about the moon. About confusing things for the moon. Man made things or earthly things for that big glowing moon. I dont have a good word for the power of the moon though. It is again an undiscerning sort. Is that power? Freedom from the sway of emotion? Freedom FROM choice? Freedom TO choose is one kind of power but its a human kind of power and it only gets you …to like a certain level of power…And dont get me wrong I am not trying to say that a prisoner is more free than the man that takes the train past the prison….

On my drive I was listening to fulsom prison blues (obviously) and also fast car. And those songs are about chosing. And disappointment. And consequence. The consequences of being human and having choices and how lonely and how insatiable. And freedom also. (A beautiless and boring oversimplification of these bangers)And i was thinking about how free I feel driving a car with a full tank on the open road at night with the windows down and the music up (and i am alone and choose the soundtrack without fear of judgement…) and a cigarette and even if that is some synthetic version or trope of freedom it still feels good when it hits the blood stream and ill take that over nothing.

Because i am girl and not a god or the moon.