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meeeemilfyway · 5 months ago

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ULTIMATE GET YOUR LIFE TOGETHER THREAD

So this is a tribute // fanfic?? Of an old thread “life hacks to adult effectively” by i believe deadly little Kate

Anyways i could only find screenshots of this thread so lets make a updated list and start f*cking life for once!!

Key:

() who its by

[🛸] my update , purple writing

I think numbered makes it easier to keep track of list

Resources:

1- 32 is deadly little Kate

1. Even if you get along with family you’ll be even better after moving out

2. Generic is almost = to name brand

Exception :

- peanut butter [🛸] you can make

-ketchup [🛸] you can make

-Liquid NyQuil

-chips a hoy chewy

-spaghetti sauce [🛸] you can also make this

3. At least once your card will decline for something as little as 20$. No one will judge its okay to have 3$ in your bank we’ve all been there

4.thrift stores

[🛸]esp for books

5. Everyone also is anxious, too anxious to worry about you boo

6. You will screw up a lot. Live & learn . What’s done is done move on

7.do dishes before an ecosystem grows

[🛸]even if you soak in hot soapy water walk away, you did something

8.dawn cant go in dishwasher

9.cart surfing is cool anywhere anytime

10.15% tip

11.easy way you might be able to get food is by parents or grandparents

12. endure the sucky days of life

[🛸]i write a vent diary , then write either

-> positive from it

->transmute (transform) that energy

13.in lightbulbs 60w is not interchangeable w/ 40w

14. $ store batteries = any brand

15. Reward yourself

Pay a bill? -> go to coffee bean [🛸]its way better than Starbucks, trust

16.buy bulk food:

- rice

-flour

[🛸] get wheat berries, and buy a cheap mill so the flour wont rot

-sugar

[🛸]brown sugar is white sugar + molasses , store with a piece of bread to keep from hardening

-cheese

-eggs

[🛸]get quail!! Eggs are more nutritious and they are small enough to keep in a laundry bin also apartment friendly super quiet

-frozen fruit & veggies

17. Rice can be cooked on stove 2:1 water to rice

18. Keep a PHYSICAL calendar of bill due dates

19.take time to eat even when you feel like not eating

[🛸]also chew food till smashed to prevent bloating & indigestion

20. Scrub & rinse dishes before dishwasher

21.the works is an excellent toilet cleaner

22.magic eraser work

[🛸]pls buy the 100 pk on amazon off brand instead of the 2 sponges for 3$

23.keep bleach around bu if you clean dilute it

[🛸]never clean dog pee , its mustard gas

24.DO NOT MIX CLEANERS

List of no no

25.if you drink don’t take meds

[🛸]also don’t sun bathe

26.check dosages on bottles

[🛸]when disposing prescription, peel off tag it has numbers that trace to ur medical ID

27.uterus humans, heating pad is a life saver and ginger tea for nausea

[🛸]

- diy heating pad: rice in a sock microwave 30 sec

- cinnamon tea helps w/ cramps

28.buy a first aid kit

29.turbo tax is a good tax online

[🛸]idk about anyone else but my highschool accounting class offered free services to the public so students can get extra credit

30.yeast infection info:

[🛸]

-cranberry pills for when you feel even the slightest of discomfort

-Cranberry juice at least weekly to prevent

-chamomile tea cooled to rinse, and ease any pain

-BORIC ACID

31.petroleum jelly replaces chapstick

32.antibiotic ointment should be kept in first aid

Hilarious side note i took a break and lost the thingy but wrote 9 as a note to not waste any further time and stress ill continue with others

33.mewing - a technique for a better jawline

Tongue posture

34.warm water and cold exit in shower

35.read 5 pages a day

36.75 day hard challenge

Or soft ?

37. Journaling everything

~dreams

~venting

~manifestation

~shopping list

38.set sort term and long term goals

39 gym

YMCA is super cheap

I saw on a website that the YMCA is offered free on EBT

Or try the family plan

40.for low confidence keep promises to ur self even small ones

41.don’t write off short workouts

20 min consistently is better than 60 min and burning out

42. Buy a liter water bottle

Goal:once a day then

2x a day

43.try to clean your bedding weekly as a habit

~invest in bedding you that sparks joy

44.organize room in a junebugging way to avoid burnout

45.invest in self care especially shower time

46.rosemary oil in roots & hair nightly massage

~so many benefits

47.push yourself to walk daily then 2x morning & night

48.YOLO srsly be cringey if its you <3

49.message old friends personal jokes and try to catch up

50.become your dream person

Compliment people

Talk sweetly

51.sunshine exposure in the am regulates ur sleep schedule

52.vitamin c in the morning and make sure you wear sunscreen after also, avoid ur eye area

~for acne scars

~dark pigmentation

53.Korean sunscreen > us sunscreen your eyes wont burn

54.sunscreen your chest!!!

55.witch hazel > tea tree oil , coming from sensitive skin gorly

56.those back braces for posture don’t work , strengthen back muscles

57.some people say coconut oil is clogging but for me my skin was glowing plump and hydrated

If acne prone ~castor oil or almond oil

58.shea butter raw is really thick and putting on ur skin kinda pulls it

-use a mixer

-hand mix with a lotion till softened

59.castor oil your lashes nightly

60.don’t be afraid to thrift

-but maybe wear some gloves cause I saw that you can get hand foot mouth disease from searching bins

61.don’t be afraid to dumpster dive

ESP Best Buy , Ulta , Sephora ,tech places

62.DONT DRINK ALCOHOL , that ages you and dries you up if you do wine is good for your heart everything else kinda makes ur body shutdown

-alcohol addiction is deadlier than meth esp getting trying to quit kills you

there’s psychedelic fizzy drinks

63.if you get a traffic ticket , go to court dispute it

-> ask when last calibrated, with evidence

Most of the time cops neglect to re calibrate as often as supposed to so it’ll get dropped

64.HR is only good for a paper trail sending 2-3 complaints with no resolution & unanswered is enough to send to OSHA / EEOC

speaking of email every conflict to urself as a paper trail

65.got a mole you don’t like ? Tell ur doctor it itches (sign of cancer ) could possibly get paid off , max 3 times

66.ever recorded without consent ? Play Disney music its copyrighted

67.open a high yield savings acct ASAP , that interest builds up

-> as of 2023 , discover has the highest

68.follow at least 1 finance YouTuber and watch their uploads every update

69.quit p0rn.. srsly life is too short & makes you tired on top of the other downsides such as body image (any and all genders )

70.bad people can try to sue you, even if they hit your car

-> make sure you call the cops & find a witness

Record exactly front back their vehicle & yours ,, best if you have a camera both sides of vehicle

Record the conversation & ask if they are ok ,,,make recording of them admitting !!!! , even if they are “nice”

71.so when renting a car & you need 3rd party insurance ; for progressive it covers rental

Check if your big insurance also covers & don’t only go with first pressure

don’t be pressured & advocate by doing research ~TikTok ,, divolvere (I tried to simplify her story to like what the advise part was )

72. Casino vist

A. Pick loudest machine in most populated area

B. Find a machine with smallest max bet & bet the max

C. Don’t hit feature within 5 spins move

~averybrynn1

I don’t recommend gambling but to each their own

73. If theres gonna be a draft get “fuck you “ or etc on ur right pinky outside hand ,, itll disrespect ur officer

i want “faggy” in cursive super y2k thick bold (im bi & fae )

74. (By a financial advisor on reddit )

- save 10% of every paycheck into reitrement account

~dont touch this account until retirement , or able to live off 4% the rest of your life

~invest majority into lowrisk and some into higher risk stocks or upcoming businesses

- FDIC insured savings account

~after taxes emergency fund with 3 months of savings

include : car , car emergency , home , home emergency

75. Never consent a police officer searching your vechile or house vecause a search warrant provides a lot less area where they are allowed to look

- your consent is to only hurt you, politely ask for a search warrant

76. Never do more than one illegal thing at a time

77. Always surround yourself with people who believe in you

78.

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bittwitchy · 9 months ago

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i’m gonna be a thousand percent real w you guys for a min, its gonna be under a read more, and it revolves around fears and pains and scary medical things and g/ov3r/nm3nt bullshit and stuff which is uhhh destroying me mentally and physically ig ahahahhaa

so like as some ppl know, when i was leaving work late nov/early dec of 22, i fell and injured my ‘leg’, it was a few days before i turned 26 and i couldnt get a doc appt in time w a real doc, and ofc bc i was on the male parentals insurance and it was based out of texas despite US being in california, i got completely fucked over bc they didnt want ro cover shit and i had to argue with them til almost the very end of december or so just to see a nurse practitioner who didnt know wtf she was gonna do, and refused to listen to me when i said i was not going to have insurance in a week. i cannot afford any expansive anything right now and anything that i have to do needed to be done before the end of december. all she said was ‘i hope you get better then, but they will call you when they feel like it.’

its been over a year, im still not better, because i was not clocked in at the time, and was injured in the parking lot, hr already said they wont cover it. even if i was only at that location (not my home location) for them, i was not clocked in and therefore they hold no responsibility, and the parking lot had no cameras anyways. its all just word of mouth so. i got fucked there too. C/alo/ptima has been fujcing useless and wont even send me my new insurance card so i can get a new regular pcp who will refill even just my fucking inhaler because the guy they gave me refused to even refill that.

now, when ive gotten the leg scans, they cant find anything. they dont know whats wrong. ‘oh youre just fat, lose weight and you’ll be fine.’

breathing shots pain into my leg. and the pains been spreading. ive been getting a little bit of weird treatment at work despite dlat out ignoring and pushing through my pain to please people and that wasnt even enough because i still got some pretty weird ass treatment from some ppl in management despite the fact im not choosing this, and ignoring it makes everything worse.

and ive been trying to push through and ignore it and hope it heels, because the medical system isnt going to help me, neither is the company, and i live in california. i really just cant afford the medical system here anyways.

i think when i fell, it clipped a nerve into my spine, because for those unaware im that special brand of au/tistic who can tell you the exact point of origin of my pain. from tooth pain to headaches to even searing body aches, i can tell you where it starts and where it ends. but i also have a massive pain tolerance (ive had 8 root canals and local anesthesia doesnt work on me thanks to adhd, i can and have had 9 bottles injected in and nothing happened, so i just dont use it and ignore the horrendous fucking pain of your nerves being killed because i dont want to bother anyone. THAT is my pain tolerance level, and i cant tolerate this.)

the pain is spreading to both of my legs, and when i ignore it i end up toppling over. i used to be a hula dancer, professional as a kid, still for rec until i got hurt. i cant do it anymore. i can barely walk. when i force myself into events and shit that requires walking, it feels like my entire body is being crushed the next day, and during the actual day of doing but thats obvious.

i dont know how to take it anymore, nothing is helping, no one is helping me, and even people who try to help me its like the system is working for them despite refusing to work for me. i really well and truly dont know what to do about this anymore. the pain from my spine isnt only in that leg now, its in both legs and keeps creeping to my arms. im obviously not gonna get help from the company, and even talking to a lawyer its a fucking long shot that i could get anything done from them at all since the parking lot didnt have cameras. i already have eds, and this has been setting off the issues relating to it even more. i was meant to get tested for pots before i lost insurance back then, but new doctor doesnt believe women can experience pain at all, and are lying for attention if they admit to it.

breathing is fucking painful, and i dont know what to do. i can just keep doing what im doing and ignoring my pain and pushing through to please everyone because its not like the system helps, but the system is working for others and when i do what they recommend i do it not only still doesnt work for me, but i get threats from it. i dont know if its because im autistic or not, indont know why it works for others and not for me, i dont understand and when i try to get answers all people say is ‘just push through’ but im trying and its making everything worse and im breaking my body more and more by just pushing through and indont want to get kicked off of c/alo/ptima for bothering them too much by not getting answers despite my efforts because i did get threatened and incant afford $250-500 monthly fees from my state if i dont have insurance. $250 is more than i earn a week. jts not like im getting hours at work. and i really just am so fucking broken and tired and confused and done i dont know what to do and im tired of being in pain. i just want the pain to go away. i dont want to cry anymore. i dont want to be confused and scared and alone anymore. its like everythings collapsing down and i dont know what to do.

and to top it all off, the skin welts and lesions that my old doctor was so terrified of me having are back. theyre a symbolism of my white blood cell count, and last time i got them he had me get blood tests every few months because he was worried about my developing leukemia. and everytime it got too high he gave me something to try snd prevent it, and ultimately i was ‘almost there but narrowly escaped’, and i dont know how im supposed to just keep pushing and keep living and keep going it that happens too. especially when incant afford a blood test right now. i dont know what im doing or who i am anymore and its destroying every semblance of who i am that i had left, and i just want to make everyone happy but im not happy. im not happy snd im not getting help snd i feel so defeated and indont understand how other people can argue andnits fine but i do it and i get threatened or retaliated against.

indont understand how if i do whats recommended im misbehaving and being wrong but others can do what they want. its like im a kid again but instrad of being beaten im just getting fucked over medically even more snd my body gets to further destroy itself and i dont know whay the fuck left there is to do. its like everythings collapsing down on me, jm not getting the samw care or treatment others get, and i dont think im going to because i cant keep fighting a system thats going to only verbally threaten me because they wont respond to emails. i cant use recorded conversations in court here. im scared and im tired and im in constant pain and had to beg my old doctor to send an inhaler refill without my seeing him because the new one wouldnt and my lungs were giving out. i dont want to die but it feels like its heading rhat way whether i want to or not because nothing and nobody will help me and when they try they get mad at me for ‘not trying harder’ but im doijt everythint they say and more and its nothing. nothings coming crom it but my suffering. but if i say its not my fault its ‘making excuses’ and injust cant keep doing this anymore. im so tired, and im in so much pain, and indont know what to do.

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blessedarethebinarybreakers · 3 years ago

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I have a theodicy-adjacent question if that's alright. How can I offer prayers of thanksgiving without implying that God "likes me better" than They like other people? For example, I often want to thank God for keeping my loved ones safe through this pandemic, but it feels weird when so many have lost dear ones. I've learned a lot about how to wrestle with God through your ministry, but how to bring your positive feelings to God without toeing the line of a prosperity gospel-esque mindset?

Anon, I feel you! Some point a few years ago I had a similar unsettling realization. I knew that gratitude is important not only for our relationship with God, but for our psychological wellbeing — yet I felt so guilty for thanking God for things i knew others didn’t have. Did attributing the good things in my life to God imply that God wasn’t with those who lacked those good things?

I brought that guilt and discomfort to God (and still do, whenever it arises anew). asked Them to help me sit with it, accept it, and then transform it into something more fruitful.

guilt transformed to motivation. discomfort transformed to commitment. what i was left with was an understanding that i did not need to stop my prayers of thanksgiving, but to expand them.

i take time to really feel and express my gratitude for the abundance i experience. and then i ask God to help my gratitude move me to a desire for others to experience that abundance too. I ask for guidance in how i can help make that abundance happen in the the lives of those around me and far from me.

___

i also make time for lament. many of us are taught how to ask God for things and how to thank God for things, but grief and lament are not taught. however, thanksgiving and lament are not opposites, but work together. they enrich one another. we need to take time for both.

a book that helped me embrace lament was Barbara Brown Taylor’s Learning to Walk in the Dark. You can read quotes and whole passages from it in my tag over here.

one of my favorite songs/psalms to sing/pray in lament is this one. The psalmist empowers us to question God, to ask why and how and when? and then the psalmist leads us to praise God anyway — to praise in spite of and with our doubts and our questions.

when we look at all the pain in the world — in our own lives, the lives of loved ones, the lives of those we don’t even know, and in the struggling pulse of all Creation — we feel all sorts of things. Distress, despair, anger, grief. But some of us are afraid to bring those feelings to God. We’d rather avoid the feelings in general, repress them, not sit inside them for a while. (And certainly, we should not wallow in the bad all the time.) Bt when we dare to assign intentional time to sit in those feelings, God sits in them with us.

And there is a strange thanksgiving in there, too — that we aren’t alone in the lament. We come to see that it is true that God does not will suffering upon any one of us — that the fact that sometimes i experience blessing while you struggle, or you find success while i go without, is not because God is choosing which happy few to bless that day. God really does will abundant life for all, and grieves when sin (individual, systemic, the rot that eats at this world) blocks that abundance for anyone.

___

in continuing to make time to feel and express gratitude, and then to make time to lament and to both desire and participate in abundance for others, thanksgiving does not elevate me above others as “better” or “more blessed” than they are. instead, gratitude reminds me of how interconnected we are with one another. In the Body we all share, “If one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it” (1 Cor 12:26).

___

When abundance wins out in spite of sin, we rejoice! When it is we who enjoy that abundance, our gratitude should not lead to smugness or self-congratulations, but to humility. it should shape us, move us to bring similar abundance to others.

A book that has really helped me understand that concept is Robin Wall Kimmerer’s Braiding Sweetgrass (which you can read online for free).

Christian texts have told me that the appropriate response to all God’s gifts is gratitude, but it’s Kimmerer’s book that helped me digest and embody just what that means. We acknowledge abundance, and we use that gratitude to connect us to the giver, and to others to whom that giver would also share Their gift.

Here’s one passage from her chapter “The Gift of Strawberries,” starting on page 33 of the webpage linked above:

Even now, after more than fifty Strawberry Moons, finding a patch of wild strawberries still touches me with a sensation of surprise, a feeling of unworthiness and gratitude for the generosity and kindness that comes with an unexpected gift all wrapped in red and green. “Really? For me? Oh, you shouldn’t have.” After fifty years they still raise the question of how to respond to their generosity. Sometimes it feels like a silly question with a very simple answer: eat them.

But I know that someone else has wondered these same things. In our Creation stories the origin of strawberries is important. Skywoman’s beautiful daughter, whom she carried in her womb from Skyworld, grew on the good green earth, loving and loved by all the other beings. But tragedy befell her when she died giving birth to her twins, Flint and Sapling. Heartbroken, Skywoman buried her beloved daughter in the earth. Her final gifts, our most revered plants, grew from her body. The strawberry arose from her heart.

In Potawatomi, the strawberry is ode min, the heart berry. We recognize them as the leaders of the berries, the first to bear fruit.

Strawberries first shaped my view of a world full of gifts simply scattered at your feet. A gift comes to you through no action of your own, free, having moved toward you without your beckoning. It is not a reward; you cannot earn it, or call it to you, or even deserve it. And yet it appears. Your only role is to be open-eyed and present. Gifts exist in a realm of humility and mystery—as with random acts of kindness, we do not know their source.

...Gifts from the earth or from each other establish a particular relationship, an obligation of sorts to give, to receive, and to reciprocate. The field gave to us, we gave to my dad, and we tried to give back to the strawberries. When the berry season was done, the plants would send out slender red runners to make new plants.

Because I was fascinated by the way they would travel over the ground looking for good places to take root, I would weed out little patches of bare ground where the runners touched down. Sure enough, tiny little roots would emerge from the runner and by the end of the season there were even more plants, ready to bloom under the next Strawberry Moon. No person taught us this—the strawberries showed us. Because they had given us a gift, an ongoing relationship opened between us.

...It’s funny how the nature of an object—let’s say a strawberry or a pair of socks—is so changed by the way it has come into your hands, as a gift or as a commodity. The pair of wool socks that I buy at the store, red and gray striped, are warm and cozy. I might feel grateful for the sheep that made the wool and the worker who ran the knitting machine. I hope so. But I have no inherentobligation to those socks as a commodity, as private property. There is no bond beyond the politely exchanged “thank yous” with the clerk. I have paid for them and our reciprocity ended the minute I handed her the money. The exchange ends once parity has been established, an equal exchange. They become my property. I don’t write a thank-you note to JCPenney.

But what if those very same socks, red and gray striped, were knitted by my grandmother and given to me as a gift? That changes everything. A gift creates ongoing relationship. I will write a thank-you note. I will take good care of them and if I am a very gracious grandchild I’ll wear them when she visits even if I don’t like them. When it’s her birthday, I will surely make her a gift in return. As the scholar and writer Lewis Hyde notes, “It is the cardinal difference between gift and commodity exchange that a gift establishes a feeling-bond between two people.”

That is the fundamental nature of gifts: they move, and their value increases with their passage. The fields made a gift of berries to us and we made a gift of them to our father. The more something is shared, the greater its value becomes. This is hard to grasp for societies steeped in notions of private property, where others are, by definition, excluded from sharing. Practices such as posting land against trespass, for example, are expected and accepted in a property economy but are unacceptable in an economy where land is seen as a gift to all.

Lewis Hyde wonderfully illustrates this dissonance in his exploration of the “Indian giver.” This expression, used negatively today as a pejorative for someone who gives something and then wants to have it back, actually derives from a fascinating cross- cultural misinterpretation between an indigenous culture operating in a gift economy and a colonial culture predicated on the concept of private property. When gifts were given to the settlers by the Native inhabitants, the recipients understood that they were valuable and were intended to be retained. Giving them away would have been an affront. But the indigenous people understood the value of the gift to be based in reciprocity and would be affronted if the gifts did not circulate back to them.

Many of our ancient teachings counsel that whatever we have been given is supposed to be given away again. From the viewpoint of a private property economy, the “gift” is deemed to be “free” because we obtain it free of charge, at no cost. But in the gift economy, gifts are not free. The essence of the gift is that it creates a set of relationships. The currency of a gift economy is, at its root, reciprocity. In Western thinking, private land is understood to be a “bundle of rights,” whereas in a gift economy property has a “bundle of responsibilities” attached.

...

In material fact, Strawberries belong only to themselves. The exchange relationships we choose determine whether we share them as a common gift or sell them as a private commodity. A great deal rests on that choice.

For the greater part of human history, and in places in the world today, common resources were the rule. But some invented a different story, a social construct in which everything is a commodity to be bought and sold. The market economy story has spread like wildfire, with uneven results for human well-being and devastation for the natural world. But it is just a story we have told ourselves and we are free to tell another, to reclaim the old one.

One of these stories sustains the living systems on which we depend. One of these stories opens the way to living in gratitude and amazement at the richness and generosity of the world. One of these stories asks us to bestow our own gifts in kind, to celebrate our kinship with the world. We can choose. If all the world is a commodity, how poor we grow. When all the world is a gift in motion, how wealthy we become.

#gratitude #prayer tag #prayers of thanksgiving #prayers of lament #thanksgiving #lament #pandemic mention #braiding sweetgrass

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mggpleasedontlookhere · 4 years ago

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checkmate

summary: where y/n and spencer live in a world of soulmates; but how magical can it really be when the last words of your lover are the only indication of their existence.

word count: 7,054 reading time aprox: 26 mins

warnings: character death, angst

a/n: this is my comeback fic, I hope you like it. I made sure to make it extra angsty to compensate for my disappearance :) also this fic can be read by anyone!

masterlist

Chess is a meticulous endeavor, not only in its cold and calculated nature, but also in the player’s ability to detect insecurity flash across their opponents' eyes, the unconscious idiosyncrasies that foretell future moves, and the slow descent into hopelessness that disintegrates the former’s conviction. Most will point out the cruelty of the game, how callous it must be knowing your end eight moves before it happens. However, others will oppose this notion as it is the game; one must lose to win.

It’s all a matter of who plays their pieces right.

Before that pivotal moment, players can only maneuver through a black and white arena. Fingertips would drum in anticipation while the other would hover over their pieces, striding across the board with purpose. Regardless of the disparity between the players’ experience or skill, there is always one factor, unmoved by player attributes, that is not a disadvantage nor luxury for either party: time.

Even in the checkered plane, nothing will matter. The players will cease to move, forced to end the game by the lack of time. This mechanism in nature acts as a failsafe if either individual is unable to conclude the game. In other words, there are only two outcomes: winning the game by will or letting time take that will away from you.

However, what is not noticed is the growing ache in the winner’s chest, disappointment beginning to fester inside of them because of their loss in deciding. In that split realization, the winner is placed on an equal plane as the loser, wondering if they ever really won at all.

This middle plane is beautiful and tragic simultaneously—maybe the beauty is in the tragedy. But as my palm leaves a bloodied handprint pressed against Spencer’s chest, all I can see is the world around me turning red.

Please be okay, please be okay for me

My mouth would silently mutter in tandem with his desperate and reaching touches, a mantra I convinced myself could surpass time, all while knowing my will was seized from me the moment Spencer uttered the words imprinted at my hip.

October 27th

2 days before

Water vapor collected around the coffee mug pressed to my lips. Although it’s ironic to call it a ‘coffee’ mug considering it was filled to the brim with scalding tea. The tips of my fingers and the skin of my palms tingled at the heat given off. My thoughts drifted to the explanation of the first law of thermodynamics that Spencer had kindly explained during the walk home from the night before.

An unconscious smile brushed over my lips briefly, reminiscing the blissful moments of the team gathered around a bar table after finishing up a briefing about a local case. A warm cloud of content passed through my chest while a lightness traveled from the bottoms of my feet to the summit of my forehead. The herbal tea traveling down my esophagus countered the cold nipping of the autumn air, bringing a welcome equilibrium to my wellbeing.

I shrugged the knitted blanket over my shoulders further, staring into the calming view that the apartment window provided. Across from the building was a small, abandoned park. Most of the neighbors had steered clear of the area as it didn’t meet anyone’s aesthetic standards—well, except for mine.

Half of the trees have lost their leaves, counting down the days to winter. The park benches were covered with tangled vines, even some lacking required wood boards. In summary, the place was an overgrown jungle that no one was willing to inhabit. In result, the once communal area was condemned by the normal folk for being ‘too dead.’ However, I would oppose those who claim the lack of life in the park considering life is not only just living, but it is to invite death.

In my observation of the park, a soft reflection suddenly appeared beside the yellow oak trees. In my peripheral, I can see my roommate creeping up behind me with his limbs moving catlike. I bit my bottom lip to conceal the amused huff threatening to escape me, instead settling to blowing over the steam rising from my cup.

Just before I saw his head bobble over my shoulder, arms stretched out above me, I whipped around his lanky figure and ducked under his arm. “You know for an agent; I expected a better performance.” An inaudible yelp interrupted the fit of giggles I was in as some of the tea spilled onto my blanket. “Now look what you’ve done! Do you know how hard it is to get dark liquids off cotton?”

“Just some hydrogen peroxide will do the trick,” Spencer shrugged, insisting to pull off the semi-damp blanket off my shoulders. “Plus, you messed up my bit!”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot I was living with a five-year-old,” I teased, nudging him.

Spencer craned his neck to the side, letting the sore tendons and muscles stretch out from just waking up. All without forgetting to let out an obnoxious yawn in addition to his exaggeratedly extended arms. “I’ll have you know that this five-year-old has three PhDs and three bachelors,” he boasted.

“...and daddy issues.”

Before I can find a way to defend myself, the same blanket that brought me solace previously was transformed into an unmerciful whip. Spencer chased me around the couch until I slipped and toppled over the cushions, landing on the throw pillows. I buried my head into the leather arm, shutting my eyes, while I replicated the nature of Spencer’s antics by emitting ridiculous snores.

“You can’t touch me while I’m sleeping,” I murmured, feigning my slow lull to slumber. “It’s socially unacceptable.” During my spiel, Spencer had playfully grabbed my ankles and dragged me to a sitting position.

“SPENCER!” I gasped, clutching one of the pillows in hand and smacking him over the head with it. “You do not handle people like that! No wonder why you also have momm-”

Spencer’s palm gently nudged me back onto the couch mid-sentence, leaving my frame to hit the cushions with a loud thud. A boom of laughter filled the empty space of my chest, my breath thinning as dopamine jumped from my brain’s synapses. An enchanted smile caressed the corners of my mouth mirroring the one Spencer was sporting.

In these insignificant interactions, I would think back to the times where our comfortability was limited and reveled on how much our friendship grew over the years. There was a sense of solace that overwhelmed me knowing that introducing—and working on his—humor brought an auspicious light to the darkness that often clouded his mind.

My lungs deflated with a hefty exhale, my arm slinging across my eyes in relaxation. Clamored feet and the rug shifting against the wood floor caught my attention. Freeing my line of vision, I was met with a raggedy-haired genius with barely a foot between us. I reached out to comb through his locks, the webbing of my hands catching the tangled curls. “You need to shower greasehead.”

“Actually, the buildup of sebum and laloin in the gland of the hair follicles—coined as the sebaceous gland—offers moisture and protection, given that it is regulated upon its natural equilibrium.” Spencer leaned into the soft touch of my fingers, like how a kitten purrs against their owner’s affection.

“Well, I don’t know about you almost-birthday-boy, but I don’t think you want to go into the next chapter of your life smelling like you just changed out of your first diaper.” I pushed myself up the couch, gesturing Spencer to the hallway bathroom. “This is the big 31!”

“Y/N, we had a party for my 30th. I think I’m good to last for the decade,” he huffed, walking towards his bedroom to grab a change of clothes.

“That’s not the spirit, Dr. Reid!” I yelled across the room. “I swear Spence, you’re the only person who’d turn down a party... And, you even turned down Rossi’s invitation to go all out in his backyard.”

“Another year to celebrate the ever-closing gap between my time on earth and my imminent demise—oh, and how can I forget celebrating it in an open space full of ticks and pollen,” Spencer sarcastically jested, his voice bouncing off the thin white walls.

“At least you’d know your soulmate, right? Then I wouldn’t be the only one to deal with your ‘Debby Downer’ ass,” I added on, rolling my eyes at his usual pessimistic rulings.

“I would prefer nihilistic, but if that vernacular serves you then to each their own.”

“Hey, maybe after you die, I and your soulmate can mourn over you—bond and all that—and then I can steal them away,” I teased.

I looked to the lightning bolts etched into the crevices of my thighs, my fingertips tracing each design until it fell onto the carved words at my hip. In a way, the stretch marks made beautiful vines attached to the faded letters, covering the obvious red scratch marks that had resurfaced from my bad habits.

I kissed my fingertips before planting them back onto the markings, chuckling to myself of the intimate gesture. Unconsciously, I began to rub at the tattooed words once again, hating how their protrusion made my skin crawl.

“I mean I’m dead, what can I really do?” Spencer called out, stopping in his tracks when he reached the bathroom door. He faced me as he spoke, going on about his birthday celebration tomorrow—half of his speech unheard to me—until he requested my immediate attention. “You have to stop picking at the words, Y/N. You’re going to end up hurting yourself.”

“I know, I know,” I sighed, letting my dominant hand fall to my side. A pout fell on my lips at the loss of the small satisfaction scratching granted me. “But the words are just so uncomfortable sometimes. I mean you got lucky with the whole soulmate placement.”

Spencer brought his free hand to his chest, thumb tracing over the small words typed on the skin. “Yeah, I guess I did get lucky huh.” A soft smile grazed over his lips while his eyes were still trained on the unknowing figure resting against the couch.

“What does your marking read aga-”

“Spence, what’s it say on your che-”

I groaned in playful disbelief at the coincidental timing. “You know at this point I’m starting to think we’re telepathic, Spencer.”

“That’s actually what my tattoo is,” he laughed. “It’s my name.”

“Oh yeah,” I nodded, remembering the first time we brought it up in the early days of meeting one another. “Must’ve saved a lot of name tags in elementary school” I teased.

Spencer shook his head, shuffling into the bathroom with a lightness in his steps. With the closing of the door, my gaze fell onto the marking once again.

Regardless of the mechanics of soulmates, I was never worried about the possibility of not meeting them. I was already at my happiest knowing shared moments like these were good enough. However, unbeknownst to my ideal wishes, an irking desire still lingered in the back of my head while fingers hovered over the imperfect skin.

October 28th

1 day before

“Kid, you can’t sit there and tell me that finding your soulmate can be ‘scientifically extrapolated.’ That’s not the point,” Morgan amusingly shook his head at Spencer, ruffling the top of his head as he brushed past him.

“Okay,” Spencer tutted, “tell me. What ‘is’ the point then?”

“Well, all I’m saying is that finding your soulmate—if you have one—is supposed to come supernaturally.”

“Morgan, did you just try to win over boy genius here by talking about the supernatural?” With a tilted smirk, I nursed the half-filled flute between my fingertips. My gaze flickered over to a pleased brainiac sharing the same mischievous glint found in my eyes. I let my head fall back against the couch cushions, my eyes fluttering close to the sound of grown children bickering.

“Alright,” Morgan raised his hands up in defense. “All I was pointing out was that things like these can’t be solved by numbers and science.”

“The same can be said about Newtonian physics, but look where we a-”

Morgan flung a ball of crinkled wrapping paper Spencer’s way, aiming for his head. Spencer attempted to dodge the projectile—emphasis on attempted—only to have it hit him square in the face.

“So much for those Newtonian physics, huh?” I teased while getting up to open another bottle of champagne. Spencer slouched in his chair, the paper cone hat on his head shifting to the side. A grimace replaced the smirk he initially wore, muttering about how he was going to get Morgan back.

“Y/N! Bring that bottle over here when you’re done.” Morgan called out as I walked into the kitchen, pausing the ongoing discussion of the case we planned to tackle. “Also, bring another juice box for Reid here!”

A chorus of laughter followed my ears which each step, a grin finding the corners of my lips. I rose to the tips of my toes to reach for the unopened bottle in the alcohol cabinet. I made my way to the freezer, taking out the bucket of ice I stored away hours ago. When closing the appliance door, my eyes landed on a picture magnetized to the surface.

It was a physical reminder of the time that Spencer convinced me to dress up as Amy Pond, the eleventh doctor’s sidekick, for comic con. He too was dressed up in the doctor’s attire: a brown corduroy suit, a bowtie, and a sonic screwdriver. We both had silly grins planted on our faces, it seemed like nothing could tear down the joyous bubble we were in. Upon reflecting on the memory, the kitchen door swung open revealing a merry Spencer.

“Hey, I was supposed to be getting you that juice box,” I joked.

Spencer shook his head, pushing past me to get to the cupboard. “Very funny,” he droned, sarcasm dripping off his words. I leaned against the counter, setting the bucket of ice to the side. I analyzed his movements, noticing how often he fidgeted with his fingers or how his legs would clumsily turn inward at times.

“You know,” he paused, turning around to face me, “In some countries ruled by military dictatorship, staring could be deemed as a call for execution.”

I crossed my arms, challenging him. “Well last time I checked; we aren’t in any of those countries. Is that right, Dr. Reid?”

“Unfortunately,” he chuckled. “Did you need anything?”

“No, why do you ask?”

“Well, by the way you were checking me out, I would think you needed something.” He sauntered over to the opposite counter across the kitchen, hoisting himself up on the granite. I watched as the casual smirk fell off his face after failing his initial attempt to sit. The second attempt proved to be better, although that didn’t stop me from rolling my eyes at his impotence.

“You know,” I repeated his words, grabbing the champagne and ice bucket as I began to stroll out of the room. “I’m really starting to think you have a better chance at ‘extrapolating’ your soulmate rather than finding them.”

“Wait!”

I whipped around to face him with furrowed eyebrows. I nodded for him to continue, watching as a sly expression reappeared on his face. “You forgot my juice.”

I sighed, setting the items back down on the counter before reaching for the fridge. “You are a grown man, Spence,” I gesticulated at the boy. I grabbed Spencer’s favorite sparkling water and left it aside. “You couldn’t get your own?” I raised my eyebrows at him, ducking out of the refrigerator door.

He crossed his legs, still propped up on the counter. “Well, you did call me a five-year-old and it is my birthday,” he argued, shrugging his shoulders tauntingly.

“I said that the other day, and considering it’s your birthday, that would mean you’d be old enough to conduct yourself,” I countered.

“Actually, it’s grammatically inappropriate to say, ‘the other day’ when the event in question occurred yesterday,” he began to ramble. With an unimpressed nod, I began to slowly back away from the scene until I was abruptly stopped once again.

“Wait!”

“What!”

“You forgot to put it in a cup,” he meekly suggested, his face evident of mischief.

“You’re clearly enjoying this aren’t you?” I groaned, shuffling towards where he was. “I’ll give you something to enjoy...” I whispered to myself.

With a plan set in motion, I sauntered over to where Spencer sat. Once I was in front of him, I made sure to give no indication that I was moving beside him. Instead, I leaned forward, letting our chests press together as I reached up for a mug. I would be lying if I denied the faint blush warming up the apples of my cheeks or the tightness of my throat from this proximity. In a nervous hash, I could’ve sworn hearing Spencer’s breath hitch as my chin brushed against his neck.

Feigning a confident disposition, I dropped back to the heels of my feet, finding myself to be inches away from the enamored and naive genius. “You need this?” I murmured, trying to maintain a collected tone of voice. However, Spencer did make it difficult with the intensity of his penetrating gaze or the way his breath fanned over my sensitive skin.

For a lasting moment, I began to dissect the small specks of hazel hues in his eyes and how a dark pool of brown surrounded his irises. The tip of his nose was flushed in crimson and his mouth hung in what seemed like anticipation and hesitation battling it out. “Uh, yeah... thank you.” His Adam's apple bobbed as he gulped, linking his fingers with mine to take the mug.

Without breaking eye contact, he set the mug aside and away from view. I opened my mouth to say something, but I soon discovered a dessert residing in the back of my throat. Slowly my composure unraveled, leaving me and Spencer in a purgatory of uncertainty and elation. I heard my heart thump against the walls of my ribcage as my eyes traveled to the parting of his lips, his tongue ever so often swiping against the skin.

I shook my head out of the trance we were in, popping the hypnotic bubble forming around us. With a trepidatious smile, I gestured to the living room, suggesting going back out there. “Do you want to...” I tied my hands behind my back, stepping away from him slowly. He nodded in response; his mouth tightly pressed into an awkward line.

With less than obvious movements, we both tiptoed our way back to the liveliness of the other room, soon forgetting about the juice and cup all together.

“Bye guys, thank you for coming! See you tomorrow.” I politely bid everyone a farewell, sending them safe wishes home as they excited through the front door. “Pen, are you coming with us tomorrow?” I received a tipsy nod and a few stumbling feet, but nonetheless confirmation for the case. Spencer was to the left of me doing the same, enduring some last-minute birthday teasing from Morgan before he made his exit.

With the slow creaking of the door, I leaned against the wood, letting my legs slowly slip down the floor until I was sitting. I tilted my head up, staring at an exhausted Spencer before making grabby hands at him. He snorted at the childlike request, aggressively pulling at my wrists until I landed into his chest.

“Alright birthday boy, just because you’re older doesn't mean you can get all strong on me,” I warned, nuzzling my heavy head onto his shoulder. A pleasant silence surrounded us, our bodies maintaining an equal balance as we leaned onto each other. On another note, it reminded me of Newton’s principle of force that Spencer explained to me a few months back. How Newton’s cradle, a simple office trinket, exemplified conservation of momentum and energy. In this fragment of space, it felt like that with Spencer—it always felt like that: a comfortable momentum.

“Hey Spence?”

The quiet continued to spread throughout the atmosphere.

“Spencer?” I pressed my chin against his chest, feeling his arms find their way to my lower back. He hummed in response, his eyelids resting at a closed position. “I’m sorry about that thing in the kitchen... I was just messing around.”

He took a while to react before sighing and pressing a tired kiss to the side of my head; with that, I knew things were okay. “Oh! I didn’t give you your present yet.”

I melted away from his arms, scurrying off to the couch. In an exaggerated reveal, I pulled a small parcel from beneath the cushions, glee filling my eyes as I watched the bow on top spring out. I extended my arms towards Spencer, eager to have him open it.

He walked tentatively towards me, taking purposefully leisurely strides. At one point he began to act like he was in a slow-motion sequence, causing me to threaten the integrity of his present. With raised hands, he sat next to me on the couch and gently pried the gift from my hands. “What did you get me this time? Let me guess. From the size and shape of his package here,” he turned the box around in his hands, shaking it up, “and the sound to force ratio-”

“Just open the damn thing, Spence.”

He smiled at my usual impatience, letting his fingers glide against the edge of the parcel. Finally, with gentle hands, he picked apart the wrapping paper, careful not to rip the heart sticker that held the presentation together. He gathered the bow in his palm, and gently pressed the sticky side of the accessory to my cheek.

I cringed at the feeling, but that soon dissipated hearing the mollified chuckle escape Spencer’s mouth. With a determined huff, Spencer pulled the last pieces of wrapping paper from the box and was left with a frayed book in his palm.

“The Parliment of Foweles...” he whispered; an unreadable expression crossed his features.

I curled into my own body, anticipating some form of reaction. “I... I remember you told me the first time we really sat down and got to know each other that your mom used to read that to you when you were younger.” I picked at the stitches on the couch, a lump forming in my esophagus as my tongue swelled. “It’s first edition...” I smiled, insecurity beginning to conquer my excitement from before.

“Sorry, if you don’t like it... I was just-”

A pair of arms pulled me into a secure embrace while a tender hand came around to cup the back of my head. An inaudible expression of gratitude was lost in between babbles of endearment and soft caresses. Spencer pulled away with pools of adoration, he clutched the book in hand as he pulled me under his arm. He ran his thumb along the deckles that adorned the sides of the pages, his palm tenderly feeling the roughness of the old woven spine.

To open the book, he singled out a random page and lightly flicked a few pages to the side before I halted his movements completely. “Wait!” I requested. “I want you to read it after the case so we can do it together,” I sheepishly tucked a hair behind his ear, hiding the careful blush on my cheeks. “If that’s okay with you.”

“Yeah...that’s fine with me,” he breathed, his eyes locked onto the soft curves of my face. I pulled my hand away, tugging my sleeve further down my arm. “Oh! That reminds me.” Spencer places the book behind him and headed over the coat rack next to the front door. Sliding his hands through various pockets, he finally pulled a small box from one of the compartments.

He tentatively approached me, turning the object in hand. “I know it’s my birthday, but... I wanted to do something because you’ve made everything better in these past years,” he confessed, fidgeting as he came closer. “Being with my mother always felt like home, and I just... you became that for me, so thank you.”

My fingers reached over to his open palm, approaching the velvet box as if it was fragile. I glazed over its general shape, turning it a few times between my hands. “Spencer...I don’t even know what to say.”

“Well, you can start by opening it,” he smiled.

I shook my head, gently prying the box open. Inside laid a beautiful heart-shaped necklace with words etched into the metal. Once I read the words, a heavy breath escaped my lungs, and my shoulders lost all tension. “Spencer...”

“I thought that it would be easier to have the words of your soulmate above your heart rather than you tracing over your hip,” he professed. “I also know that even if you deny not having any connection to this soulmate thing, it often brings you comfort when needed.”

My attention went to him the second he uttered those words. “How did you know,” I mumbled with an enamored chuckle.

“Well, whenever we’re in the field, I could tell the times you get nervous or need reassurance by the way you subtly touch your hip.”

“I thought staring was punishable by death,” I joked, referring to his argument earlier today.

He brushed it off with a wide smile, combing his hands through his hair. “I know we have a hefty case tomorrow based on what Penelope showed us last briefing, so I hoped that this would make you feel better,” he confessed, shrugging his shoulders and leaning back into the arm of the couch.

“Thank you, Spencer...really,” I wrapped my arms above my head, trying to attach the unlocked chain around my neck. “Can you...?”

With gracious hands, he lifted the chain from my fingertips and wrapped it around my neck. The skin of his fingers would occasionally brush the back of my neck, sending euphoric chills down my spine. I felt myself squirm under his touch slightly, although it wasn’t enough to be obvious. Lifting my hair to the side with his wrist, he clasped the necklace together, letting the cold metal kiss the skin.

I turned around, appreciating the trinket in my hands. I shook my head in disbelief, watching as some of the moonlight that seeped through the window reflected off the metal. “Thank you, again, Spencer.” I nodded, bringing him into a meaningful embrace. My head rested in the crook of his neck, an aroma of pine, vanilla, and old books surrounding us. “This really is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever possessed.”

He scoffed, gently wrapping his hands around the small of my back. “Everything pales in comparison to you.”

October 29th

...

I twirled the metal heart in between my fingers as Hotch’s words failed to reach my ears. I would look up occasionally to see the pictures, but we’ve been dealing with an unsub who showed no mercy to anything morally reprehensible. I sighed, swinging my feet under me as I pretended to be enveloped by the case file in my other hand.

“Since we’re dealing with a L.D.S.K-”

“A long-distance serial killer,” Emily intercepted, nodding towards the team.

“We’ll have SWAT patrol the surrounding rooftops. Emily and I will stay with the defense team here.” Hotch pointed to the house of the unsub’s target. “Morgan, Y/N, and Reid will go through the floors of the apartment building with the strike team—witnesses stated that he was located on the 5th floor, but we have to be ready for anything.”

I looked over to Morgan with a determined expression. His face hardened at the words and his lips was pressed into a tight line. In my peripheral, I could see the way his veins would constrict against the skin as he clenched his fists.

This case hit him particularly hard considering we couldn’t save the unsub’s last victim. It was a 4-year-old little girl, and we were misinformed about her possible location. By the time we got to her, she was faced down into a park well with a single bullet hole above her heart. I watched the slow diffusion of her blood, and how the water turned to a murky black. I couldn’t imagine Morgan’s guilt considering he was so sure of himself when reaching a breakthrough with the unsub’s whereabouts. The parents of the child would soon blame Morgan for his ignorance, spewing derogatory slurs in their distress.

“We’ll get him Hotch,” Morgan assured, “This time, we’ll get him.”

Spencer noticed the certitude in his voice, sharing a look with me to give extra attention to Morgan out in the field. I smiled at him, warmed at the concern that the genius had over his friend.

“I’ll be working with local PD to hold a press conference to keep the public on the lookout,” JJ expressed, crossing her arms.

“Since...last time, we figured that unsub finds enjoyment in toying with us or singling us out. So, keep each other in check and make sure to report back in your earpieces every five minutes.” Hotch himself seemed perturbed by the unsub’s earlier actions considering he had his own toddler to deal with. “Penelope has sent the coordinates to everyone. Remember the profile, and don’t leave yourselves vulnerable. We’re dealing with an elusive unsub that won’t stop at nothing to satisfy himself,” Hotch spoke with a quiver in his voice.

I bit the inside of my cheek and breathed heavily through my mouth. My hands began to drift to my hip but momentarily stopped as I remembered the chain around my neck. I slumped into the chair as Hotch dismissed the team, sending them out for their respective assignments.

“You, okay?” I whipped around to the sound of JJ’s voice. She leaned against the doorframe with an expression full of concern. Looking behind her, she noticed Spencer noticeably pacing through the bullpen waiting for a specific someone. He attempted to disguise his eagerness by counting tiles on the floor or squares on the ceiling, but to JJ he was easily discernable.

I let a dry laugh, shaking my head. “After what happened, I’m a bit worried—not about me—but Morgan and Spence.” I swiveled around in the office chair a few times until I landed in front of JJ.

“You know you fidget the same way as Spence,” she pointed out, grinning at the similarity. I shook off the oncoming warmth that flooded the skin and looked elsewhere. “You’re right to worry about both of them though. But you know how stubborn and determined they are.” As she began to walk out, she left a lingering message that soothed my nerves. “Plus, Spencer may have that IQ of his, but we all know runs things between you all.”

She wasn’t wrong. I’ve always kept a watchful eye over the both of them—maybe Spencer a little more—but nonetheless, I deeply cared about both of them. It was relieving to know that Spencer’s circle of trust exponentially grew from Morgan to JJ to me. It symbolized the growth that Spencer was mostly oblivious to, but it meant more to me than I can explain, seeing how he opened himself up to happier possibilities.

A sharp exhale left my lungs while my lips formed into a sly smirk. Without another minute to wait, I left the round table behind JJ, leaving Spencer to stop dawdling. “You ready genius?” I walked out into the hall, not sparing a glance at the figure trailing behind me.

“With you? Always.”

“Nothing here,” a voice confirmed in my earpiece. My gun hung low in my hands while I tiptoed through the floor of the apartment building. “You know Y/N, if I knew that the unsub was going to the pick a building in the area we resided in, maybe I would’ve considered having the party at Rossi’s instead,” Spencer joked.

I bit the smile growing on my lips, focusing on the assignment on hand.

“Maybe after the case, instead of reading that book in our apartment we can go over to that small library/cafe we’ve been meaning to go to,” he continued to drone, forgetting about the connection of everyone’s channels.

“Reid, if all you’re gonna do is flirt with Y/N, leave the damn channel,” Morgan warned. Hearing the worry in his tone, Spencer straightened up, coughing to cover up his soft apology. Being separated didn’t help the irrational thoughts that built up in the back of my conscience; I can’t even comprehend what’s probably going through Morgan’s head.

“You good?” I mumbled into the com; my eyes straightforward while I advanced towards the hall. Morgan didn’t respond, an inaudible huff coming through the speakers.

“I’m moving up to the top floor. Y/N and Reid, go back down to the basement and see if we missed anything,” Morgan broke the awkward silence with an austerity in his words. The silent hum that came afterwards was worse than earlier. I turned off my earpiece, sensing a conversation about to ensue between the two gentlemen.

The thickness in the atmosphere was similar to the air that surrounded me and Spencer when competing in recreational chess. Whenever I attempted to put his king in check, he would block the move by maneuvering another piece in front of it. This would lead to a game of cat and mouse until I would figure out that the entire time, Spencer had been deluding me into false security while checking my king piece. Ultimately, I would lose to Spencer. However, there were games where I’d outmaneuver him or win by dumb luck.

I’d like to think that I developed some sort of intuition for his behavior from playing against him, but he’s deemed unpredictable every game. He was always sharp, eight steps ahead and aware of all possibilities. I guess that’s what make him an effective profiler, always thinking in the future.

I ran down the stairs, still armed, when Penelope’s voice ran through the earpiece. “Updates! Updates people.” The joy in her voice always relived me of the gloom that usually surrounded me in the field; hopefully she has the same effect on Morgan.

“Hey, Pen.” An invisible grin was evident in my words, knowing she’d pick up on it.

“Hello, my love, seems like at least one person is happy to see me,” she verbally jabbed at the lack of response from Spence and Morgan.

Still no response.

“Sorry, they’re working out their marriage at the moment,” I teased, hoping for the usual distasteful comment I usually get from Morgan.

Still nothing.

An unnerving feeling crept up the back of my neck. “Penelope, can you check if their coms are still workin—shit.” Before I could finish, a long buzz of static came through the speakers. The only comprehensible words that were picked up was the beginning of my name before cutting off.

I bit my lip, pulling out the small piece of technology and tapping it a few times. “Come on... dammit.” After playing around with the earpiece, I grew frustrated with it and stuffed it into my pocket.

I paced in the small landing between the stairs, thinking of a new gameplan. I ran my fingers through the ends of my hair, feeling the split ends prick at the skin. I felt a mountain growing in at the bottom of my stomach, leaving my esophagus constricted without air. “What would Spencer do,” I mumbled to myself, gripping onto my necklace.

“Spencer...Spencer...”

Before I could finish the mantra, a shot rang out from above me, and the crashing off glass followed. In the split moment, my legs grew a mind of its own and sprinted to higher ground. Suddenly, the sweat perspiring off me turned cold, and my heartbeat slammed itself into my spinal cord as I ran. My feet forgot its exhaustion while my mind devoured every irrational thought, and combined it with adrenaline.

The single thing that drove me over my limits was knowing that the person who fabricated and would shoo away these thoughts was somewhere I didn’t know I could get to in time.

Spencer’s POV

I tiptoed into a vacant suite of the building, still antsy about the scolding I received from Morgan. The conversation after didn’t help considering it was all a reminder to be aware and focused on the task at hand. I knew Morgan was filled with the need for redemption despite the team forgiving him of his ignorance. So, I shook off the creeping feeling and abided by his instructions.

Deciding to update Y/N and Morgan about my whereabouts, I spoke into the coms only to have static come out of it. I tried once again but failed to reach anyone. The room around me shrank as a sharp exhale left my lungs. I swallowed the buildup of saliva in the back of my throat, feeling uneasy about not knowing what’s to come.

Seeing at the area was clear, I looked out of one of the windows. Initially I cringed at the accumulated dirt and grime in the glass panes, but that all dissipated when I spotted the quaint park that Y/N loved. No one else had any interest in the community lot, seeing as people would coin it—or what Y/N would tell me—the park of death. But to her, she saw the opposite as she always does.

The light feeling of reminiscing my interactions with Y/N soothed the disconcerting atmosphere, keeping me grounded. Although the sentiment ended as soon as it started when I spotted one of the apartment walls was spray-painted with black letters.

Zugzwang

A blaring shot rang out and glass shattered into the room. I ducked into the floor, shutting my eyes. My head spun as the boom impaired my hearing. The window was forcibly open, the shards resting beside me. Left disoriented, I groaned, only feeling the after wave of vibrations on the ground. However, I soon found out that the quake of the floor wasn’t from the initial shot, but the rapid clobbering of feet inching closer to the suite and a shadowy figure preceding it.

Y/N emerged from the doorframe, panting. Eyes were laced in fear while they bore into my own. My stomach twisted into knots from previous events while I contemplated what had occurred. The presence of Y/N wasn’t even strong enough to relinquish the egging feeling crawling in my skin. I anticipated Morgan to appear, considering he was closer to the scene.

Where was he?

Another thing I didn’t anticipate, a second shot.

“Spencer?”

January 3rd

Three months after

My thoughts antagonized one another while I stared out into the world from the eerily quiet apartment. The living room was cold and empty despite the array of furniture scattered about and the broken picture frames lining the walls. The vapor rising from the cup of tea drifted into the air, vanishing into nonexistence. It’s funny how that could happen in a matter of milliseconds.

The pain the lived inside the chambers of my heart was no match for the burning of skin I felt when holding onto the steaming cup. The only worthy adversary would be the rush of self-resentment that coursed through me when picking up the book. I deserved it though. I deserved the spikes through my stomach while my fingers trailed the deckled pages, reminding me of the first time I held the book, its previous owner present with me.

I would remember our time together.

I would remember the promise shared between us.

I would remember the bloodied handprint pressed against my chest.

Now all I had was the physical manifestation of what’s left: the necklace. As cruel as it was for me, I kept it in the book, using it as a bookmark while I lost myself into poems. After a while, the inked words lost their meaning to me, becoming an empty cacophony that encased the jewelry.

Every time I grasped the chain in my clutches, a numbed ache would make itself known at the pit of my stomach. It clawed at my intestines and made the entirety of my body system obsolete. With that, I was abandoned with the sinister hauntings of my own mind—a part of me that I was once praised for.

A genius. A prodigy. Hidden behind the real mess of a guilty man.

I ignored the smashed chess board and pieces that laid still at my feet, concentrating on the snowflakes that littered the park across from the building. The grounds looked beautiful, covered in layers of pure white. I sipped at the tea once more letting my mind deteriorate with a sophisticated nonchalance.

What a tragedy it was to know my soulmate, especially right under the tip of my nose. What a cruel joke life had played.

I wished I had more time.

It was easier to let the guilt consume me rather than pondering on what I lost—who I lost. Had I lost myself too? Maybe, it didn’t matter. In some masochistic way, I enjoyed the guilt because it was a way to remember that at one point someone made for me existed. I used it to relive the moments I could never get back.

All that remained was an empty shell of a man, staring out into a dull world, wondering how time took everything away from him.

taglist: @rexorangecouny @howdycharlie @honeymilk-4 @linthebinbag @andreasworlsboring101 @ssareidbby @kyleetheeditor @fanofalltheficsx @jimilogy @lulwaxim @jhillio @m3ssytrash @haylaansmi @meowiemari @ashwarren32 @codyf3rnsupremecy @goldentournesol

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felassan · 4 years ago

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Gamers For Groceries 2 event

A Twitch stream event from a few days ago. It can currently be re-watched here (it was fun & interesting, so I do recommend to check it out direct). This post contains some notes on things of particular interest & relevant timestamps, in case this is useful to anyone (for example bc of accessibility reasons).

First up is the All About Animating panel, a series of mini-interviews with game devs (animators) asking what they do, how they got there, and advice for anyone interested in getting into the industry. Some or all of the devs that were interviewed are currently working on DA4. They talked a bit about their day-to-day work and a lot about the craft of game dev animation in general. This segment runs from timestamp ~38 mins 40 secs to 1:07:50. Some notes:

[sounded like DA4] Right now the creature team are working on different creatures in a way which involves going through a lot of mocap data

At BioWare they have a pretty big technical animation team, to support their animators, so each tech animator has a different specialty. Tech anim involves animation support, character art support, and rigging the characters so that the animators can pose them

[not sure if re: DA4 work specifically, another project or a general comment on the craft] One of the featured animators’ area of specialty at the moment is faces and hair (building the control structure for face animations). First they had to decide how the face rig and its control structure would work. This involves a lot of performance capture of live actors for things like cinematics and gameplay animation, therefore the rigs for bodies and faces have to be able to accurately capture the full range of expressions and emotions that the actor is portraying. Right now the stage that this dev is working on most is setting up the heads that they’re getting through the pipeline from character art e.g. making adjustments based on feedback from the cinematics team. “Polish - just trying to get realism”

Hair tech has come quite a long way in the last few years [in the industry]

[not sure if re: DA4 work specifically, another project or a general comment on the craft] Hair is very complex to get right. “In the past most games have used card-based hair, which is basically like sheets of polygons with a texture on it that looks like hair, through layers of transparency. But real hair is strand-based, digital strands, so we’re starting to look into that kind of tech - try to get more realistic, more beautiful hair, but there’s always a performance cost to hair. Layers of transparent things are always an expense, they need to balance like, it looks good and moves well, but it doesn’t make your computer or console chug. [...] I guess we’re in the prototype stage but we’ve almost got a set pipeline. It’s always fun to experiment”

In Mass Effect 2 or 3, Miranda’s hair was as expensive as a whole character (!)

[on balancing hair costs/performance, general] It depends on things like character importance and how many characters are on-screen at the time. When you’re in gameplay fighting a bunch of monsters you’re not going to be giving full beautiful hair to all the characters and the monsters, as it will cost too much. (Having a helmet on is a convenient way to get rid of hair.) But if it’s a cinematic scene, with 2 characters talking to each other in a dramatic context, there’s a better budget for nice hair allocated

Some of the hair in Anthem was quite expensive in cinematics. They kept getting bugs from QA saying (for example) that a character’s hair was tripling the performance cost in the scene, so it would go back to character art so they could take away some of the hair cards. “Tough balance, quality versus cost”

“I wish all the characters could have beautiful strand hair”

For p-cap, a lot of the time they don’t want to be too prescriptive in terms of the direction that they’re giving the actors, as the actors know what they’re doing and have a lot of experience, so they give them vague instructions that they then riff off of

[sounded like DA4] They recently did a mocap shoot

[sounded like DA4] There’s a bit more productivity happening now in the pandemic situation; now that the animators are not all going to the capture lab in Vancouver in person for shoots, if it’s not their turn to direct a shot they can instead be working on something else on their computers (multi-tasking). ((Lead DA4 Producer Scylla Costa recently gave a talk at a games festival on the challenges of DA production during the pandemic. In part of this talk he talked about various benefits and drawbacks to the remote-working situation. He also talked about and showed some behind-the-scenes stuff for p-cap and mocap. Notes, images and link here))

[sounded like DA4] Special mocap suits were sent out that they can use with a laptop to go anywhere and shoot motion capture. It’s not as high fidelity as what comes out of the capture lab, but it’s really good for prototyping stuff. Before the pandemic they did some of this (going to a park and shooting some running around)

[sounded like DA4] In one of the shoots they had some actors who were really well-trained in dancing. They were trying to get them to do some combat stuff. This was a bit challenging in the pandemic situation as there’s only so much they can demonstrate/portray as an example to the actors from a distance on camera. “It’s hard to describe what a ‘dodge to attack’ is through the camera to somebody who has no idea what combat looks like in video games”

[not sure if re: DA4 work specifically, another project or a general comment on the craft] The pandemic has really affected performance capture for the face side of things badly, as in order to record, the actor gets dots painted on their face in specific locations by a makeup artist. They can’t do that right now because of social distancing/restrictions, so they haven’t been recording faces at the moment

The more detailed a face, the more joints it has, the more the cost to performance is

---

There was also the Writers’ Block panel, featuring DA writers Mary Kirby, Sheryl Chee and Patrick Weekes, and DA editor Karin Weekes. The timestamps for this segment are ~2:37:50 - 3:26:20. Some notes:

PW has never been weirder than when they were writing Cole on DAI

PW thinks that they accidentally wrote part of “Timber” by Kesha into Solas at one point and they were like “Well, okay, I have to stop listening to Kesha”

For Sheryl, after a while Blackwall’s VA always nailed doing his lines. She loved the quality of his voice and so after a while would always hear his voice while she was writing. This really worked out

^ Mary had this with Merrill. As soon as they cast Eve Myles she listened to several hours of her in Torchwood, and then just wrote to the way that she spoke as much as possible

^ PW had this with GDL as Solas and FPJ as Bull. As soon as they heard FPJ’s delivery, they were like “Oh, okay, I have to write some lines differently, because Bull is smarter than I realized”. With GDL they were like “Okay, he’s going to put poetry into anything I say, in the best way possible”. In early drafts of Solas lines there were parts where they [PW] wondered “Is this too melodramatic? Is this too tragically-angstful?” and then they would hear GDL and be like “Oh! [It’s fine] Game on!”

For localization, German words are often quite long so they often have to make sure that everything fits on the GUI

They think scenes like the romance scenes sound prettier in the Italian versions

Behind the curtain in creating the in-world languages: PW: “There are some awesome websites that have every elven word, like ‘Here are the translations and verb tenses and conjugations’ [etc], [...] and usually Mary and I get very sad slightly looking at those pages going like ‘Does that mean that we have to stick to that?’ [...] The rule is, if I’ve looked at the Wiki and the words, and I go ‘Here’s the correct grammatical way to do it’, and if that turns out to be too long or too many disconnected syllables and it just looks bad or sounds bad, then we shorten it to something simpler, because the key is we want to give the flavor of a foreign language, but we don’t have the world-building budget and capacity to make something that is going to be dictionary-real [in a way that] someone could go through and translate all the background things written on the old temple walls”. Part of the reason for this is the consideration for VAs, who already have to act while bearing lots of things in mind, like the cues in the script for each line

Mary: “For building a language, the first things that I started with for qunlat, elven and dwarven, was what words do we need to use the most? Greetings, farewells, words for friend and enemy, basic things that will come up easily in conversation. After that it’s ‘How difficult is this for other writers to use?’ Can they just pick it off the Wiki? Do they need just one word? Do they need to write whole sentences, and how does that work? Qunlat has almost no grammar to it because asking anyone to learn how to use Qunari grammar and conjugate verbs in a pretend language is impossible, and then once you’ve done that a human being has to be able to read it, while not knowing what any of it means”

PW: “One thing that I was really impressed with with Mary in particular doing, Mary was one of the big lore people across the entire DA series; I can look at a word and go like, ‘That has two A’s in a row, that’s definitely a Qunari word. That word is kind of long and maybe has some apostrophes and has a couple of flowy vowel sounds, that’s probably elven’, I think that’s what’s important. You want players to be able to look at a word, players want to feel smart, [like] ‘Oh I don’t know what that means but I totally know that’s a word from the Qunari people!’”. Mary: “Every language has its own set of phonemes, the sounds that they make, and the sort of word structure and spelling so that it gives a flavor to that language. Hopefully that is always chosen to be pronounceable, because again, very important that the words can be said by human beings :D”

Sheryl: “One of the fun things to do is to make up swear words in the fake languages [...] Recently Brianne wanted a word, I don’t know if she managed to find one”

The origin of bosh’tet in ME: it’s just saying “bastard” and slurring it

PW: “I feel like there are times when past writers kind of leave traps for future writers, where past writers will go ‘Okay, I’m going to write this detailed phrase in a codex entry but don’t worry, it doesn’t matter if it can never be said aloud, because it’ll never have to be voiced!’ and then, next game, guess what guys! Look what you have to make someone [a VA] say! And you’re like [facepalm], c’mon!”

Karin: “Now, four games in, we have pages and pages of all these examples, and I wanna say this, well that’s how we said something before, well that’s ridiculous, I don’t wanna say that, but now we’ve said it and it’s out there, so it’s like, how do we, y’know, how do we evolve, and sometimes we just go ‘Screw it! Languages are living languages! We’ll just say it like this now!’”

PW's favorite is the sarcastic Mythal’enaste, “Because it’s the sarcastic Mythal's blessing that basically means you’re getting screwed over somehow. I love it because Mythal nasty! Whoever wrote that clearly never thought that someone would have to say this out loud”

Sheryl wrote Bull’s joke icicles line. She also wrote Isabela’s big boats line - Jennifer took it out but then DG was like “No it has to come back”

They have a pun test, they get a few of them and have to allot them wisely so as not to oversaturate on the puns. “Is this good/bad enough to be one of the times that we pull the trigger? We did have one of those recently, I obviously can’t talk about it, but it was pronounced Okay to go ahead”

The ‘baby-est’ writer is Brianne, who’s been there 8 years

It makes PW sad that the players never get to see the writers’ temp-text [placeholder text when portions are a WIP]. “People have the best temp-text". Mary: “The number of conversations that I’ve temped in like ‘WELL. I hope nothing BAD happens HERE’”

Q. If you could bring in anybody from outside of gamedev, who would you like to work with and do a writer’s session with? PW: “I will say romance novelist Nora Roberts, she is really smart and also she knows how to write inside a genre, and do wonders within it. Her structure is so good. If you pick up one of her books, you know here’s when this is gonna happen, here’s when they’re gonna meet, here’s when this first moment will happen. We’re all experienced and I feel pretty good about that but I really like all of the things she does that way, and also I am a sucker for romance so I would love to bring a romance novelist in and just have them look at our scenes and go ‘Okay here, no, they should pull the tie so that the article of clothing comes open, we need a sense of how warm the skin is here’ - something like that. I’d wanna see what they could do with that”

“Luke writes the best worst lines”

“I’m always impressed with Mary getting away with lines. There are lines that I look at like, wow, you buried that one. [...] The only players who get that line, I feel like they earned it if they went that far into it. [...] And then Varric or Merrill says a ridiculous line in a one-time throwaway”

Karin: “The group dynamic, you’ll see conversations or snippets of a lunch chat or a thing we’ve been joking about and you’ll see it get pulled in, and how all of you [the writers] are able to take a normal kind of thing - as normal as we get as a group anyway - and then turn it into a moment, and use it to further the plot or use it to further a character. It’s just the cleverest thing and it happens in so many different ways. [...] The little snippet of life, then how you crafted it into this very cool thing”

Quartermaster Threnn was written by PW in half a day. “When I was writing Threnn, ‘Okay, this is a good-hearted [person], I was doing a little bit of Steel Magnolias, southern, no-nonsense, but like, blue collar Steel Magnolias’. This is someone accustomed to the ways of the world so she’s going to call a spade a spade. If you come up to her and you’re an elf she doesn’t recognize you and says ‘Buckets are over there’ because she thinks you’re there to clean, [but] ‘Anyone calls you a knife-ear you come to me I’ll take care of it’. It’s problematic but she’s trying - the good-hearted person rooted for the wrong group on every occasion. She was a proud Loghain supporter, she gets really exited if he comes to Skyhold. That was a fun character for me to write because I had a viewpoint in my mind. I remember someone was like ‘Threnn is really important to me’. And you have to honor that, cause you’re like ‘Cool, it means so much to me that this connected with some part of you’”

---

Also of interest was the Mass Affection panel, in which BioWare devs looked back in over a decade of history to remaster a classic. It featured devs who worked on MELE. The timestamps for this segment are ~3:36:09 - 4:24:37. Some notes:

When the pandemic hit the MELE team were in a relatively awkward spot. They were really entering into what they consider full production and were on-boarding a bunch of teams, as well as training and on-boarding third-party external partner specialized teams worldwide. When the pandemic hit, BioWare and EA were super on top of it. They were tracking it weeks beforehand, getting everyone their computers ready, and getting everything encrypted. When the middle of March 2020 hit they were home rightaway. EA were nothing but supportive throughout the entire thing. They got money every quarter for stuff. It functionally ‘hit’ at 4-6 different times for them as the pandemic occurred in different places throughout the world at different times depending on each country’s response plan (and their external partners were in different countries). “So it was one of those things where it was just like, every day we’d come in like can we still work with this company anymore? Do we need to find someone else? Do we need to pull people in off the other projects at BioWare to fill gaps here and there?”

There was a bug on Virmire at the part when you’re coming into the STG camp. If the Mako had its new boosters on and you came hurtling in really fast, it cut to the cutscene, but the Mako hit a jump and when Ash was like “What do we do now?” the Mako ended up literally flying around in the background sideways and then crashing into the camp

Another bug: when they were re-tuning the guns, the physics force on some of the guns with Hammerhead rounds was so high that when you were fighting some of the Thorian Creepers, you could ragdoll them so hard that you could basically embed them in the roof. They’d be moving so fast that they’d penetrate all the walls with their legs dangling out. It was so easy to do and you could do it to everybody. You could launch a geth halfway across an Uncharted World

Another bug: with Shepard’s casual appearance in ME3, if you didn’t have it set up perfectly correctly it would default to Grunt for some reason. You’d be walking around as Grunt, going on dates as Grunt, and your face would be all scrunched up because it was all mapped to human bones still, so it was just, like, Nightmare Fuel of Grunt

Another bug: in ME2 on Illium when trying to recruit Samara, the Asari enemies just would not stop screaming - regardless of whether they were hit or not, it was endless screaming. Later one of the devs got an audio file of the scream, endless and looped, and now one of the devs has it on their phone and uses it for their morning alarm tone

“Shepard would come up to characters and they’d just be screaming”

---

There was also the Programming Variables panel, talking about what hurdles game programmers face. Some [or all?] of the devs that were part of this panel are currently working on DA4. They talked a bit about their day-to-day work and about the craft of game dev programming in general. The timestamps for this segment are ~ 4:24:46 - 5:06:02.

[source]

[insights/notes from Gamers For Groceries 1]

[☕ found this post or blog interesting or useful? my ko-fi is here if you feel inclined. thank you 🙏]

#dragon age 4 #the dread wolf rises #da4 #dragon age #bioware #video games #long post #longpost #in case this is of interest to anyone #mass effect #anthem #covid mention #cole #spirit boy #solas #lul

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chimswae · 4 years ago

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BTS Caretake CH26

Summary: She may think she has Bangtan Sonyeondan wrapped around her fingers. She may think it is easy to love the members equally without hurting any soul. She may think the boys wont fall head over heels for her. She assumes it is okay to show a little love and affection towards the boys, what if she gets it all wrong? What if it only brings more complication to her already complicated life? Can she survive their charms? Will she be able to resist them? What if they just wont let her go?

- Pairing: BTS x Oc ( Yoongi x OC, Jungkook x OC)

- Genre: Fluff, Slight Angst, Romance, Idol!au

- Word Count: 4,918

- Author Note: Happy December everyone! Slightly late update~ sorry!

Previous | Next

Chapter 26

D-day

Few hours before the actual event took place, the boys would be walking down BBMAs Magenta Carpet along with other renowned celebrities creating their own history. Everyone had started running here and there since morning, hectic day indeed. Not to mention, the boys woke up as early as 8 in the morning to get their makeup done. Early bird Kim Seokjin was the first one in line looking annoyingly stunning and cheerful like he always does.

“You are early Jin” Semmy chuckled.

“Good morning to you too nuna” Jin chortled moving his head a little, showing off his so called adorable side. “So, where is Seul?” he clasped his hand in anticipation to see the other girl to appear behind Semmy.

Semmy raised one of her brows, bemused “Aren’t you being a little too clingy Jinnie? You may chase the girl away” she teased, placing the box down on the floor.

Jin pouted in his seat “I am being a responsible person here, since I am the one who suggested her to come along with us. I may as well use this chance to show how much I care” he defended himself earning a soft chuckle from others.

His personal manager retorted “You mean a chance to show how much you value her?” Jin gasped dramatically, placing his hand over his own chest. “Hyung, how could you betray me? I thought we are best friend!” he pursed his lips in protest.

“I thought you are Jungkook’s bestfriend. You guys hang out a lot without me anyways” he hummed nodding at Jin’s way. Before he could open his mouth to protest again, Seul’s chirpy voice ended the morning bicker, “Morning everyone!” the small girl pushed the stainless-steel clothes rack inside the room.

Namjoon beamed watching her making an entrance “Morning Seul. Did you get a good rest?” said the leader with a concern look. She nodded giving him a thumb up and shifted his attention to Jin “How early are you that you already working those magic on your handsome face” she giggled.

“I couldn’t even sleep, this anxiety is killing me” he claimed.

“You will be doing great, I am rooting for you Jin! Oh unnie, I bring their outfits, so who should I assist first?” the bright girl smiled flustering Semmy.

Jin and Namjoon exchanged glance smiling away, Semmy signalled Seul to the room next to her “Jungkook and Yoongi are inside, maybe you can see whoever is done with their makeup” she laid all the accessories on the coffee table.

The mention of Jungkook and Yoongi names twitched her heart, however she had to show her professionalism. She was not allowed to involve her personal feelings in her job. Risky and dangerous. Without much complain, she went straight to check those guys inside. Sprawling on the leather couch was Jungkook with gadget in his hand, his lips twisted in the cutest manner probably frustrated with the game battle that he had.

Meanwhile on the other side, Yoongi was sitting with his eyes closed facing the vanity table. The older woman applied a little colour on Yoongi’s lid, keeping his makeup minimalistic and as natural as she could. She slid silently beside them, watching the woman moved her fingers skilfully blending the colours which suit Yoongi’s pale skin. In all honesty, any colour would look good on him, and Seul found herself smile unknowingly at the thought.

Realizing Seul’s presence beside them, the brunette was about to greet her but Seul quickly placed her finger over her own lips signalling her to keep it low. Seul gave a polite bow mouthing her a good morning. The woman let out a silent giggle, sending her a wink before returned to her work.

‘Min Yoongi you are better and hundred times nicer, if you just keep your mouth shut like this’ she approached Jungkook hesitantly, waving her hand in front of his face to snap him out from his little world.

Be professional, said Seul. As soon as their eyes met, Seul couldn’t help the blush from making its comeback on her skin. His bunny smile was not helping either only to worsen it even more. Deadpanned, Seul fan herself with a soft huff “Are you done with your hair and makeup?” she quickly asked.

Jungkook’s round eyes blinked cutely as his nose scrunched up cutely in response “Makeup, checked. I haven’t done my hair though. What do you need stylist nuna?” he teased. Seul cleared her throat averting her eyes from meeting his, wherever but just not Jungkook.

“Oh, if you are done then you can call me over. I will just assist someone else for now” turning her heels as fast as lightning, she was ready to make an escape. Jungkook grabbed her wrist right on time “You can still dress me up anyway. At least I wont ruin the hair later on” the corner of his lips was tugged upward into his usual flirtiest smile.

“Let me get your outfit Jungkook-ssi” she pulled her hand and expelled a relief sigh. She mentally cursed herself from acting awkward around him. How could she stop thinking about her moment with Jungkook a day ago? It had been bothering since then.

Afraid to appear irresponsible, she grabbed Jungkook’s outfit and returned to the golden boy again this time forcing herself to act professional. Whiny Jungkook on the other hand didn’t give her a hard time, thankfully. She could properly assist him with his outfit and as soon as she’s done with him, Seul passed the job to Semmy. It was evident the younger guy requested Seul to style his hair but she’s quick to reject it.

It was not a request.

It was a way for him to commit sin.

That sinful Jeon Jungkook.

She gave this thing a deep thought as Seul decided to look for Hoseok and Jimin. Assisting the two-fluffy sunshine were the best resort at the moment. Just no Yoongi and Jungkook for the time being. While waiting for Hoseok getting ready, Seul lend her hand to style Jimin’s hair. She might not be a real professional, but she could do a simple thing start with the spray and how to style one’s hair. For some reason her practice with Hoon was quite useful.

Running her fingers in Jimin’s fluffy hair, she carefully smoothed the area that needed her attention. His gaze fell on her as he watched Seul caressed his hair from the reflection. Chewing his lips excitedly, it would be a lie that he didn’t enjoy it even a bit. Hell, he’s over the moon to see her face.

“I like this hair colour, it fits you” she murmured as a soft smile plastered across her face.

Jimin eyes shrunk in process allowing him to smile handsomely through the mirror “Don’t you like my pink hair?” she shook her head without hesitation. “Not a fan of it, I like your dark brown and black hair better. I always go for natural colour” she took a quick glance and grabbed the hairspray.

“Said the tangerine head” he flicked tongue his mouth, smirking.

“Hey, I am planning to change it back to black. Blame my stupid best friend. She forced me to try out this colour. She apparently thinks having your hair coloured is the process of adulting. It is absurd but whatever, I don’t really like it” Seul pouted keeping her hand busy spraying his hair carefully not to hurt his eyes.

He chuckled heartily “Adulting is never easy babe” Seul froze upon hearing the last phrase. What a sneaky mochi! He did not just call her babe out of the blue in an open space especially with the presence of other staffs.

Seul knocked his head a little using her knuckles to bring back some sense in him “Don’t babe me. Who allow you to say that” she snickered, frowning in disapproval. “Ow! Why are you using violence to punish me” he rubbed the top of his head, puckering his lower lips adorably hoping that Seul would spare his life.

“Let’s set a clear boundary here Park Jimin-ssi” she turned the swivel chair, so the mouthy guy could face her. Puffing her cheeks out of annoyance, she palmed the arm of the chair trapping the adorable guy in between. Her hard stare caused Jimin to shrink in his seat “Ya, Ji Seul you are scaring me” his head neck almost disappeared when she leaned forward intimidating him.

“First, you are not allowed to show your affection towards me in public. Make it physical contact or through your words. When I mean affection, limits your touchy side. Keep your hands to yourself” her stern voice sounded super serious and scary to him.

“It cant be hel-“ Seul silenced him with single glare. He pressed his lips together firmly, recollecting his thought and continue to listen to the girl sulkily.

“Secondly, don’t babe me. I have a personal vendetta against it especially when it comes from you. It is disturbing. We are not dating or anything so-“ “YET!” Jimin cut her off and once again her fiery glare penetrated his eyes.

He placed his hands on his lap like an obedient kid “Okay sorry, I will shut up”. It took a lot of strength to not laugh at the scene in front of her, but she had to make things clear. Seul didn’t want thing with Jungkook repeated by its own. The trios are dangerous and contagious to her fragile heart, it needed to be put on pause before bad things happen.

“So, we are not dating. Just don’t call me babe. I don’t do cliché thing, just call me anything but not babe” she cringed.

Jimin tilted his stupidly cute head in a slow motion as if he’s thinking about something “I will call you bunny then” her eyes rounded at the nicknames earning a soft chuckle from Jimin “Or do you want to make it sounded sugary, hunny bunny?” his plump lips rounded imitating Seul’s eyes.

“Ew, I prefer none”

“Should I call you berry, like strawberry because you smell like strawberry”

“Stop it”

“Or should I call you baby?”

“That is even worse”

“How does yeochin* sounds like?” (*A slang for Yeoja Chingu=Girlfriend)

“PARK JIMIN IM NOT YOUR YEOCHIN!” she hissed lowly careful not to attract any attention to their side. Seul stood in front of him, crossing her arms defensively.

Jimin pouted out of habit driving her up the walls, she hated it when he pouted.

She despised cutesy stuff, yet Park Jimin’s cutesy side was beyond her control. She couldn’t control her heart from drumming crazily. Like right now.

“Alright this is impossible. I will just set the last rule. No nicknames, just call me Seul” with that she spun the swivel chair back facing the mirror in front of them. Jimin inaudible protest could be heard clearly and it tickled her heart.

Seul ended up spending another thirty minutes styling Jimin before moving to sunshine Hoseok. His smile pleased her heart as usual and finally she’s taking a break from handful guys like the trios. At least with Hoseok, she could act naturally without getting flustered most of the time. Plus, the light conversation that she had with Hoseok always end up playful and cheerful.

After all the members were ready, they would be interviewed by some Korean and American medias before heading to the venue. She swore she heard Bang PD beyond the door talking to the boys and it made her scared to death. He’s the big boss, to be in the same room as him, was nerve wrecking. Especially when she’s illegally replacing her mother place as their caretaker.

Seul sat together with other staffs taking their short break whilst the boys had their short interview and photoshoot outside. She had fun exchanging stories with the rest of the staffs and they had been nothing but awfully friendly to her since day one. Not to mention, BTS’s managers were as friendly as Sejin but bear in mind their goofy side would disappear once they were on roll again.

Their conversation died down upon seeing Bang PD followed by the boys behind him entering the room, everyone stood up bowing politely. Bang PD nodded “Thank you for your hard work, it must be tiring. I appreciate your dedication and passion” he fixed his glass at the bridge of his nose accompanied by a wide smile afterwards.

The moment his eyes landed on Seul, the latter watched the older man nervously and bowed again out of respect “You must be Ji Seul? Mrs Hwang’s daughter, am I right? Thank you for coming despite the short notice. I hope you are not burdened by it” he stated.

“No Sir! I am glad that I could help” she rubbed her hand together sheepishly.

“It must be hard to leave your mother alone. Is she doing alright? How’s the therapy treating her?” she steadied her breathing not to appear silly in front of him. So, she answered calmly “My mother is doing fine. It is hard for her part, but we are waiting for the donor. Thank you for asking” Seul bit her lower lips hoping the topic of caretaking the boys left untouched.

To her distaste, his next question taken her aback a little.

“Hm, I was quite worried that she wanted to continue caretaking the boys when she’s in no condition to work. She explicitly stressed her worries on the contract, but we can give her a long break from the job if she want. Will it be alright for her to work in that condition?” the boys exchanged worried glance in any case Bang PD might catch her lying to the company.

Seul broke into a cold sweat, “My mother is very stubborn. She insists on keeping the job because she’s worried of them. Technically, she takes care of Bangtan like her own son in fact she seems to love them more than me” she joked, letting out a small chuckle to ease the tension.

The older man laughed “Right, these boys did mention about that. Your mother is a kind lady and her dedication towards her job, I admire that. Maybe, you can fill in her place for the time being as their caretaker until she recovers” baffled Seul didn’t expect such proposition from the man in front of her. Bang PD had bigger heart than she imagined. He’s a thoughtful man.

Sejin’s face hardened as he too did not expect to hear such things from Bang PD. However, it would be a good thing meaning he had no secrets to keep from the company. BTS looked satisfied and their nervousness now being replaced by excitement.

“Me? But I am not married”

“What is wrong with your marital status young lady?” he eyed her with curiosity.

Seul mumbled “My mother told me that Bighit only hire people that’s married” she exclaimed timidly.

“Yes technically. We improvised the rules last year and changed it to in light of the recent events” he glanced at Namjoon’s way causing the younger man to lower gaze in guilt. “It is done to protect these boys from malicious rumours. Don’t worry, you are an exception since your mother has been working with the company for years. I was grateful for her hard work, taking care of these boys despite we couldn’t pay her much back then. She went to extra length feeding these boys using money coming from her own pocket. Your mother is an angel, this is the least that I could do for her to repay her kindness” he said genuinely.

She was losing her words and without she realized her body moved by its own bowing again, as soon as she lifted her head, Yoongi’s eyes explored hers. His heart stung to see the obvious tears in her eyes.

“Thank you, Sir. I will deliver the news to my mother soon. We’ll work on that” with this closure that she obtained from the head of the company itself finally put her mind at ease. She no longer had to sneak in and out like a criminal. Bang PD acknowledged her presence, that was enough for Seul to tend her job without fear of getting caught.

A trace of genuine smile could be seen on his face “I will inform the management team about it. It is set then. Be a good daughter to your mother and take care of her alright?” Seul nodded with her usual sunny smile. Bang Pd turned to the face the seven guys “She will be your caretaker from now on, no funny business boys” Jungkook pressed his lips into thin line trying not to break any silly smile.

“Even if you do have some funny ideas in your head, keep it under radar. Just.. hmm don’t get caught” he shoves his hand inside the pocket before leaving the room following Sejin for his next appointment.

Dumbfounded, Seul tried to decipher Bang Pd’s final words and she glanced at those silly boys, who had funny smile on their face as if mocking her. Did they just get a green light from their boss? Today was their lucky day, indeed.

----------------------------

Seul had already left with other staffs to the backstage considering the guys still had the magenta carpet to slay before they entered the venue. People started to fill all the empty seats. It didn’t take that long before the crowd grew bigger and the seats filled rapidly. Her eyes scanned the venue diligently and she spotted Armys in their seat with their Army Bombs and fancy placards. She smiled to herself complimenting their cuteness.

Shortly after, the cheers erupted embarking the entrance of BTS inside the venue. She could tell the flabbergasted face from the non BTS fans inside the venue trying to look for the source of the scream. Their fans started to cheer even louder while chanting “BTS” all over again until the boys settled down in their seat.

The boys didn’t see it coming and for once they were proud of themselves knowing Armys were there with them. They were no longer felt small and ashamed of themselves. Armys were as huge as other fanbases. Jungkook drummed his fingers on his thigh nervously, glancing around watching some familiar and unfamiliar faces flooding the arena.

The boys spotted their favourite celebrities from afar but too shy to make the first move. Some of the celebrities would casually come up to them and they had small talk, taking pictures together rendering them speechless. Everything was too dreamy for them but what else could they wish for.

“Seul-ah lets fix their look one last time before the event start” Semmy shoved the small bag in Seul’s embrace and the shorter girl walked after her and two of the staffs entering the arena. They gave a light touch up on their makeup, making sure they shone amongst the biggest stars in the arena.

Seul went to Taehyung, leaning down a little fixing his hair, “Good luck Tae. Don’t be nervous” he smiled beautifully with a soft murmur “Not anymore, now that I have seen your face” Seul rolled her eyes with a straight face.

“Right. See you later” after her final touch, she moved to Namjoon’s side. The leader seemed a little tense probably since they were nominated, it was the craziest feeling. He softened as soon as he noticed Seul’s fingers fiddle with his tux, smoothing it in process.

“Are you scared?” she took mini hairspray in the sling bag, before spraying the mist a little. He nodded, expelling a deep breath “You can do it. Whatever happen, Bangtan will always be the winner in Army’s heart” she fixed his hair to the side with her delicate touch.

“What about your heart?” his eyes glimmered.

Seul chuckled “We will see how you guys behave, since I am your official caretaker now” Namjoon pursed his lips in protest. “I will see you later, enjoy the show” she straightened up, not wanting to prolong the conversation any longer. There were eyes everywhere. Armys had eagle eyes, that was the scariest part.

Her body momentarily froze when she realized the next member, Min Yoongi. Yoongi burning gaze making Seul shifted uncomfortably under his scrutiny. She kneeled as her back started to ache a little after the quick session with earlier members.

“You have been avoiding me ever since we reached here” his raspy voice was low. Seul tried to not get affected by that voice of his and did her job with a serious face. Neither she made an attempt to respond him nor she looked Yoongi in the eyes.

He clicked his tongue in disbelief “You are impossible Ji Seul. I will spare your life for now. Wait until everything is over” she looked unamused by Yoongi’s empty threat. She purposely squished his shoulder with greater pressure pretending to fix his tux to clean the so-called dust, making the rapper to jerk backwards in his seat.

Seul ran her fingers to the necklace around his neck, with a little tug, the guy coughed a little realizing the girl before her was about to choke him to death. That was exaggerating though, it acted as some sort of warning from the fierce Ji Seul.

Clenching his teeth together, his jaw tightened “Are you trying to choke me?” his forehead creased into a deep frown. Namjoon stole a glance at the couple and shook his head, resuming his conversation with the 95-liner.

“Attempt murder that is the word” she stated with her nose scrunched in bafflement.

Yoongi scoffed his disbelief “More like giving me a glimpse of how you want me to take you in bed” he looked up. She shot him a death glare looking eager to chop his foul tongue. Min Suga always know how to irk her. Seul gritted her teeth sending him a last hard stare before tailing Semmy behind. He watched the girl disappear from his vicinity following the rest off the staffs.

‘And no good luck for me? Impolite much’ he cursed in his head out loud. The urge to pull the girl back in his arm thickening.

He had to admit Seul could be somewhat confusing. One time she would be an angel in front of him, acted shy and very responsive to his teasing and touch. However, at one-point Seul could be a little aggressive only with him. He wondered if that girl had a personal vendetta against him. Why was she treating him like he’s her number one enemy? Gosh, she’s complicated.

Halfway through the shows, the announcer finally announced the winner of Top Social Artist Award and it was surprising though some already predicted BTS victory in this category. They practically beat Justin Bieber here which was a big deal. They were losing their soul as soon as they were announced as the winner.

None of them expected it to happen overnight considering the invitation to BBMAs alone were beyond greater than anything. Namjoon did his speech in English and added a little Korean in the end before they left to the backstage celebrating their glory together. They were at the verge of shedding tears, yet they had to compose themselves. It is not Korea, they must look good since they were carrying their country’s name on the shoulder.

Upon their arrival at the backstage, they were again welcomed by a loud clap and cheer from the crews and Bighit staffs included Seul. She was standing at the corner, watching them diligently with a proud smile. No words could describe her feelings that time. She was as overwhelmed as them.

Jungkook scrutinized the large area looking for the one face that he hoped to see and soon grinning from ear to ear once their gaze locked. Seul mouthed him a congratulation with big two thumbs up. He winked at her way and muttered a thank you before shifting his attention to the cameras in front of him.

They were supposed to do a quick backstage interview after winning the trophy, so everyone had moved to another side of the area. It was hectic with crews running from one place to another making sure everything ran smoothly.

On the other hand, Hoseok took a deep breath trying to calm down his aching nerve. His heart was racing, almost like it wanted to get off his chest. He stood behind Namjoon together with Jimin, whilst others paid attention to the interviewer. Soon, Hoseok felt a painful knot in his stomach and throat.

This heavy feeling tugging his heart making him hard to breathe. Jimin noticed his rapid breathing, he reached out to touch the older guy’s back “Hyung, are you alright?” he whispered. Hoseok steadied his breathing and shot the latter a small smile “I need to use the restroom, am I allowed to leave for a moment?” he murmured.

Just about time, their interview with the news outlet was done and they were ready to move to the next one before Jimin interrupted. “Hyung, Hoseok hyung need to go to the restroom, can he?” Namjoon patted his shoulder, looking concern “Are you alright Hobi?” he blinked.

“Y-eah… just nature call…” one of the managers came to his side, assisting him out from the crowd to find the restroom.

Squishing between the crowd was dizzying and he was lagged behind trying to catch up the man in front of him. Hoseok felt like throwing up as he clutched onto his belly refraining it from coming out. The vision in front of him was blurry and he’s drenched in sweat. Not caring of the surrounding, he dragged his heavy feet to escape the crowd and to find a quiet place to calm himself.

He bumped into something more like someone along his journey. It was not hard to recognize the owner of the voice, Seul only her. Seul grabbed his hand, holding onto it tight “Hobi, are you alright? You don’t look good?” she looked at him in sheer horror.

Hoseok tightened the grip around her wrist, as his hand shook followed by his heavy breathing. Seul pulled his arm in daze trying to find a more secluded place for him to regain his composure. Hurriedly Seul made a sharp turn at the corner and opened the door to a random room which appeared to be empty, thankfully.

She closed the door behind him and sat the panic guy on the chair. “Alright, calm down your breathing, take a deep breath, take a deep breath Hobi” she knelt down at his level, giving a soft squish on his hand.

“I c-ant” Hoseok clutched onto his chest, continue breathing loudly through his nose.

“You have to hold your breath for few seconds before releasing it. Think of happy thought, something that can calm you” Seul said in panic.

Hoseok weirded out upon hearing her statement and his chest moving heavily following his unstable breathing “Okay wait! Just try to hold your breathing!” desperately Seul held onto both his hand tight “together with me 1, 2, 3” Hoseok followed her but failed to do so.

“OH GOD! What should I do” Hoseok squeezed his eyes together forcing the air out from his lung and made another attempt. Seeing how Hoseok struggled, she had finally decided to take the matter in her own hand. Hence, without wasting any time, Seul cupped one of his cheek “I am sorry I have to do this” she closed the gap between them, hovering his lips with hers.

Hoseok’s breath hitched for few seconds as she drank in his gasps and sighs.

He couldn’t breathe.

Momentarily paralyzed.

His mind was in a haze.

The way how their lips intertwined onto each other, darken Hoseok’s thought. He never thought of having such close contact with her. How was he supposed to react to this?

She pulled away staring blankly at Hoseok hoping the techniques worked to stop his panic attack. And, it did. Hoseok breathed softly and forced the words out “How did you do that?” he uttered in bafflement.

Seul licked her lower lips, smiling meekly “I read once, if you hold your breath, it could stop your panic attack” the older guy was trying to recover himself from the sudden kiss that they shared. Even though her intention was to help him but why was he feeling fuzzy over it?

Hoseok shrugged the thought off from his mind, blinking few times and finally breathing normally again.

“Are you okay?” she felt self-conscious after the kiss. Not that she wanted to make it sounded like it was very special to her, still it was a kiss. The skinship was intimate not just a mere hug.

Did she just get herself into another trouble?

The two of them stayed in the room for ten more minutes giving Hoseok a space to regain his sanity. Now that his breathing normalized, Seul felt her blood rushed on her face, tainting her cheeks red. None of them dared to speak a thing, still bewildered by their own action.

“I..think we need to go find others. They must be worried” Seul broke the silence and making her way to the door.

Hoseok bit his lower lips, surpassing his grin “Thank you Seul, for….yeah”

Seul moved her head, nodding slowly at his way as they were back in the scene searching for others before they made a fuss over Hoseok’s disappearance.

#btscaretaker #bts series #bts fanfiction #bts fanfic #bts fic #jungkook x oc #yoongi x oc #bts romance #jin x oc #hoseok x oc #bts idolau #jungkook fluff #yoongi romance #yoongi x reader #yoongi fluff #jimin x oc

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sageadrianwhite · 4 years ago

Text

***trigger warning possible***

With good news tho

So 2 weeks away as of this Saturday from 7 years clean!!! I've managed nearly for 7 years not to fall back on drugs & drinking. I've managed for almost 7 years not to starve myself either. I struggle in my 20's to not self harm, but always stop myself where I've maybe done one and realized stopping myself.

I've managed to get worlds better I remember being 19 an addict thinking I wouldn't see 21. I was almost right September 5th 2013 about a month before my 20th birthday. I nearly took my own life due to losing someone I loved, after I had found my one, when I had finally gotten free massive truma and the abuse of my ex. The guy I was with who was also my best friend in this world and was the one of the only reasons I was beating my addictions at the time. He was stood by me and pushing me for my best and to finally get better after a 5 year struggle to overcome the truma I've been though. I was the teen you hear about with a Micky or 2-6er taped under the bed frame. A stash of drugs hidden in a buildabear. The "rich kid" that couldn't handle the pressure of being the perfect Islamic daughter and live up to the perfect image keeping it all together spending lots on products and makeup to look not like an addict So my parents, friends and teachers didn't know. It doesn't make it easier when your abusive fiancee at the time gives you the option to be beaten or do the drugs or have your face forced in them and they have their way after.... I was a dumb 18 year old, but I'm the islamic culture not uncommon from 18-26 to marry.

It broke me when a boyfriend of mine died. It went two weeks no contact as of the night we said I love you the first time when he told me he had to pick up his drunk abusive father from the bar.......I told him to be careful and text me when hes home safe turns out he told his dad about us. His father was upset and enraged he was dating a girl who was 19 when he had just turned 18.... so his father grabbed the wheel jerking it. They hit a pole. He died on impact my then boyfriend. His father died 2 days later in hospital.

I found out two weeks later when his mom got into his Skype and called me saying shes glad she finally got in to his social media so she could let me know as he only knew his passwords.

That night My abusive ex found me when I went to the bar. I wanted to drown for a night the feeling of loss as it was the first true close loss I have had to deal with by then and was planning to then get back to sobriety the next day from finding out my boyfriend had died.

That night my abusive ex gave me drugs and convinced me to kill myself before leaving the bar with my ex best friend he cheated with. The fact he made me believe with the abuse, bullying, learning disabilities and mental illness I was the problem and believe I was better off dead due to being hammered and in a severe grieving state..

I don't remember anything after taking the drugs just waking up in my bed at home about 5 in the morning with a damp feeling all around my blanket and sheets, my room smelt coppery, my mouth tasted like a penny, but I was sitting up hugging my knees cold as hell. I felt the urge to pee so I got up fast not thinking and ran to the bathroom soon as I went past the mirror I saw the fact I was all bloody. I had unconsciously self harmed myself to the point I had 167 cuts on my body between my arms, ribs, thighs, ankles and hips. I felt dizzy looking at myself covered in blood trying to stop it. I lost conciousness and fell I hit my cheek on the way down which to this day causes me the odd facial pain due to if I had hit it any harder I would have broke the bone in my cheek and end up needing cosmetic surgery. I passed out waking up 20 mins later. I remember forcing myself to get up falling straight down to a near passout state lying there unable to move call for help or anything. I had still been bleeding and I had fading in and out consciousness at that point and somehow I heard his voice telling me "it isnt my time, I've got so much to do and this isnt where my story ends. I need to get up, I am meant for much better things than this and he better no be seeing me any time soon that when everything feels lost fight against all odds. Prove everyone wrong that you will see 25 and be something"

I somehow pushed myself up fading in and out of consciousness and stumbled bloody down the hall half using the wall and crawling till I managed to get my moms bedroom door open as I managed to grab her ankle and raspiley say "mom I need help I'm sorry"

I passed out again just as she sat up in shock looking at what I looked like last thing I remembered was the horror on her face and. When I came to my mom had saved my life and my little sister who was 13 was crying thinking she was gonna lose me. My mom she had stopped the bleeding, and made me throw up while unconscious to sober and get some of the drugs out which saved my life and she got me drinking wholy detox tea soon as I could drink and swallow plus some watermelon for the sugars.

After I spent 2 months with a massive black eye and healing cuts covering my body. That night I almost died and my mom saved my life on what would have been my little sister's first day of high school, September 5th 2013. I got help I joined therapy, I went to AA in secret till 5 months in when i had a routine, I went to NA for 4 months till I had a solid plan and was sober, started looking at programs for my mental illness and learning disorders. By 21 I had been a year an a month sober.

Now at 26 years old I've been almost 7 years sober as of September 5th 2020.

It will be 7 years sober and clean. I own my own business, I travel, I have my physical health for the first time in 10 years almost and I have the most loving, understanding, compassionate, sweet funny and kind guy possible

These days I couldn't be happier healthier and luckier to be here after what I went through life is too short to be filled with misery and hate and too short to waste being disillusioned by a fake happiness created by chemicals that arent good for you. I remember the monster I was and my lash outs and after seeing others addictions I know what I sadly put my loved ones through.

Please if you need help go seek it it's never too late because addiction is only ment to destroy you and everything you love so please don't let it win and get help

I don't post much besides the odd photo of myself here and there on my tumblr, but too many people I've cared about in my life I've lost them to drugs, I almost lost myself 7 years ago. I've had people who did drugs and turned abusive or into a monster losing themselves in the process of thinking they are medicating their issues like I did. So please if you suffer go get help it may be an underlying reason of why you have addiction mine is due to BPD (Boraderline personally disorder) which also has its issues with impulse control.

Just please get help its never to late to get treatment. Please do not wait till you get where I was. To this day I still deal with lasting effects from being a addict in my formative teen years. Odd stomach pains, not often hungry, a valve issue better my kidneys and bladder, facial pain from the fall and some digestive issues, plus old injuries that didnt heal right due I medicated for because I couldn't lose my sports or music & theater. Addiction is no joke please get help before if destroys you and everything you hold dear to you.

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v-hope · 6 years ago

Text

He's your first kiss

Pairings: OT7 x Reader

Genre: Fluff

Request by @crazyartfreak: "May I get a reaction/scenario from all the members giving the reader her first kiss? Like she doesn’t know what to do with her hands, breathing, etc. (cause well, I haven’t kissed yet & I’m almost 26) and the boys find it amusing/adorable? Extra fluff, please💜"

A/N: I don't know what extra fluff means at this point but I hope this was enough for you to enjoy 💕

Kim Seokjin

“Don't make fun of me” you pleaded as soon as one of his hands had sweetly cupped your cheek.

His eyebrows knitted together immediately. “Why on Earth would I ever make fun of you?”

“I don't know” you shrugged, “we're always laughing around and mocking each other, so…”

“Yeah, but not for kissing?” his tone sounded almost offended, and to a certain amount he was, for you should know by now he would never do such thing.

“But I've never kissed anyone, meaning I have zero experience and you have” you pouted, “so you'll think I suck at it and–”

“Love” a shiver ran down your spine at the petname he had just called you, “I know we always make fun of each other because that was kind of the dynamics of our friendship” you couldn't help but mirror his smile, “but you have to know I would never take something from the things we get to do now as a couple to make fun of you”.

Taking a deep breath, you nodded your head as you exhaled. Those words of his being enough to trust him with your life. “Okay then” you gave him the green light, at which he cupped your face once more, “but honestly, don't expect me to be any good at it”.

His signature laugh escaped his throat at your words. “You could be the worst kisser in the world and I'd still want to kiss you, so I don't really care”.

And neither did you when you felt his mouth capture your lower lip in between his.

Min Yoongi

“You sure you want me to be your first kiss?” he asked with furrowed eyebrows.

The first time his mouth had been about to collide with yours and you pulled away, he had thought nothing of it. You were nervous, it was normal. But now, by the fourth time? It was fair to say he was starting to get worried.

“Please don't feel obliged to do this if you're not ready, I would never–”

“No, no” you pouted, having his eyes immediately soften at the sight, “I want you to kiss me, I just… I don't know, it's like a reflex…”

Yoongi chuckled, giving his room a quick look around before an idea came to his mind. Not even bothering on letting you know about it, his hand went to your shoulder, gently pushing your body down on his bed, so that you were now laying on your back.

Next thing you knew, he was lying down on his stomach by your side, with his chest pressing slightly against yours.

“You sure about this?” he wondered once again, receiving a small nod from you. “You won't be able to pull back this time, so just tell me if–”

“Min Yoongi” you cut him off with a smile, “just kiss me already”.

And so he happily complied.

Jung Hoseok

“Yah! What's so funny?”

Although he had tried to sound serious, he couldn't help but giggle himself at the sight of the huge smile taking over your face and a little breathy laugh abandoning your mouth.

“Nothing” you tried to control yourself with no success.

“Y/N-ah” his hand was placed softly on your upper arm, “if you're too nervous we don't have to do this”.

“B-but” you tried to stop your laugh for your own sake – finally being able to do so just as he raised one of his eyebrows in expectation. “Hobi” you took one deep breath you much needed, “I want you to kiss me”.

His whole face lit up at the sound of that, not wasting another second to pull you closer to him – his hands loosely resting on your lower back, near your waist.

However, as soon as you felt his breathing mix with yours, you found yourself not being able to stop the giggle already escaping your throat once again.

“No, wait!” you stopped him from pulling away by wrapping your arms around his neck. “Can you just do it even if I can't stop laughing? Or is it too bad?” your uncertain request made him chuckle as he shook his head. “I don't want that to be the reason I don't get to kiss you”.

“It's not bad at all” his eyes stared adoringly into yours for a second; he didn't need any more convincing. “In fact, there's nothing I'd like more” he mumbled quietly before his mouth sweetly connected with yours.

Kim Namjoon

“Are you okay with this?” he asked before he could even lean in to brush his lips against yours like he so badly wanted to.

“Yeah” you replied immediately, “why'd you ask?”

Joon pressed his lips together as he examined your factions, later giving your whole body a quick glance. “You're stiff as a rock” he let you know with amusement clear in his voice.

A defeated sigh left your mouth, for you really had thought you were playing it cool. “I don't… know what to do with my body” you sheepishly admitted, holding up your hands as if to prove a point.

Namjoon chuckled, finding that action of yours to be the cutest of sights. “You don't have to do much” he shrugged, pulling you closer to him by your hips – this time your hands instinctively resting on his chest. “See?” he smiled contently. “Don't think too much about it, just let yourself go and you'll know what to do”.

You took in a deep breath, nodding your head to let him know you were ready.

And when you felt his lips press down on yours and start to slowly move after a second, you understood what he meant by saying you'd know what to do; wrapping your arms around his neck to pull him even closer.

Park Jimin

“You're so cute” he cooed with a bright smile, letting his forehead rest on your shoulder for a second.

“Jimin-ah” you whined, “this doesn't help my situation at all”.

Letting out a giggle, he went back up to your eye level, reaching his hand out to sweetly caress one of your cheeks.

“You don't have to be nervous”.

“Easy for you to say” you huffed, “I just got laughed at for not knowing where to put my hands”.

“Hey, I didn't laugh, I said you were cute” he defended himself, earning a roll of eyes from you. Looking at your lips for a moment, he bit his lower one before he grabbed your hands and placed them over his shoulders. “Just wrap them around my neck, I think I'd really like that”.

“Ohh, kinky” you teased with a raise of eyebrows, being now his turn to roll his eyes.

“I'll just ignore you ever said that” his intense eyes staring into yours made you feel like the whole world had stopped right then, especially when his lips got so dangerously close to yours, “and kiss you like I've wanted to for so long, if that's fine with you”.

Only a nod of your head was needed for his words to be said and done.

Kim Taehyung

“Why are you breathing so funny?” Taehyung asked right before his lips could finally touch yours, making you curse under your breath as you had hoped he wouldn't notice.

“I don't know how else to breathe” you answered sheepishly, not daring to let your eyes make contact with his.

He stuck his lower lip slightly out – a frown adorning his eyebrows whilst he tried to understand why you seemed so nervous. “Are you sure you want me to kiss you? Bec–”

“I do” you replied embarrassingly fast, however, you preferred that over having him think you didn't want him to kiss you. “I really want you to, but I just… I don't know how to…”

He smiled lovingly, without any other word or warning holding your chin up and pressing his mouth ever so tenderly against yours – the kiss not lasting more than a second but that being enough for your heart to flutter.

“Was that okay?” he wondered, opening his eyes slowly to find you nodding your head coyly. “You didn't have to worry about breathing, did you?” his boxy smile took over his face, becoming even wider at the sight of your shining eyes before his lips were once again colliding with yours.

He was right. Why would you even worry about the way you had to breathe when his pure touch took your breath away?

Jeon Jeongguk

“If it makes you feel any better, I'm not very experienced with this either” his soft voice somehow found its way to calm you down.

“It's you though” your words earned a frown from him, asking you to elaborate your point, “you're a natural at everything, so this doesn't really help” you explained, loving the way his shy bunny smile showed up on his face at the unintentional compliment you had just given him.

“Y/N-ah” he said in a lower tone, pulling you closer to him, to the point his lips were slightly brushing over yours, “do you want me to kiss you?”

You snorted, shyly looking away from him. “Isn't that obvious?”

Jeongguk chuckled, cupping your face in his hands. “Don't be nervous then, I want to kiss you just as much” he whispered, taking his eyes away from your lips to lock them with yours for a second. “We'll learn together, yeah? We're a couple now, we can practice as much as we want” a playful smirk curved up his lips.

That was all it took for you to let go of your worries; not even remembering why you had been so nervous about in the first place when his soft lips finally pressed down on yours.

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littlespoonevan · 4 years ago

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Okay so is Schitt’s Creek REALLY worth it? I tried the first episode a while back and couldn’t stand it. But then I saw that you said someone else said (and you agreed) it takes 3 seasons to get really good, and you seem to think it was worth it. But still, 3 seasons seems like a LOT to have to sit through just to get to the really good stuff...

in a word: YES.

I was the exact same as you - when tumblr first started talking about it two(?) years ago-ish i gave the first episode a chance bc y’know i’d be drifting without a show to latch onto since skam had ended but I just didn’t really enjoy it. Then not so long later I had a number of anons recommend it, one of whom that said I needed to give it three seasons to get into it. I also felt like that seemed like a lot to wait for the good stuff so I never bothered.

But during lockdown I’d started considering revisiting it because I had time on my hands and am always looking for something to watch rn and I’d had a few people irl recommend it as well after I said I wanted to watch something that’s genuinely nice and fulfilling (eg. one of my friends recommended it after i said i was rewatching new girl and those anons from a couple of years ago also recommended it to me with those thoughts in mind - i think it was in response to some post i’d made at the time?)

But honestly? I started watching it on the 3rd of June and finished the whole thing by 11th and all I’ve done since then is rewatch my fave episodes (I literally just paused an episode to respond to this sadjfhsa) I understand the hesitance because, y’know, they’re not good people in the first season and they’re not really supposed to be. And I do think the storylines are much more individualistic and a bit more chaotic in the first two seasons but season three is really where it hits its stride. The overall story becomes more cohesive and consistent from episode to episode (while still obviously maintaining the sitcom format) and the character development Really starts to jump out.

There were so many moments where I just sat there clutching my heart with the most awed smile on my face because I was genuinely touched by the scene. The overall shift in the show towards personal growth, valuing family and friendship, and how genuine and supportive love can help you develop into a better person was so heartwarming to watch. I’m kicking myself for not pushing through earlier so I could’ve watched some of it while it was still airing

I know saying, “oh just wait til season 3″ seems like a lot but it’s literally 26 episodes (just that bit more than a normal season on any other show - and they’re only 20 mins each!!) and when you get to that point where things really start to develop it’s so, so worth it.

As a way of sort of giving you incentive without actually spoiling anything major, I recommend watching this little vid that includes just some of the lines that make my heart happy <3

#schitt's creek #if you still don't like it by the s3 finale you can yell at me lmao #also not included in that vid is the line: 'you make me feel right' which is just #A LOT #also 'he sees you for all that you are' :((((((((((((((#karmilleryn #asks

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thbn-anything · 4 years ago

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What other way is better than to begin this blog with a kdrama tag?

1. Favourite drama of all the time?

GOBLINNNN

2. Top 5 actors?

Park Seo Joon, Ji Chang Wook, Park Hyung Sik, Seo Kang Joon, Nam Joo Hyuk

3. Top 5 actresses?

Kim Ji Won, Kim Go Eun, Song Ji Hyo, Lee Sung Kyung, Son Ye Jin

4. Favourite idol actor?

Park Hyung Sikk

5. Favourite idol actress?

IUU

6. Favourite genre of dramas?

Rom-coms!

7. Do you watch other dramas beside korean dramas?

Nope, although I’m trying to consider watching chinese dramas

8. Favourite OST of all the time?

There are soo manyyy, but rn I’d probably have to choose ‘I will go to you like the first snow’ by Ailee

9. Drama with the best ost?

Definitely Crash Landing On You, followed by Goblin, Hotel Del Luna, Descendants of The Sun, and Hwarang

10. Top 5 OSTs?

I will go to you like the first snow (Ailee), All about you (Taeyeon), Here I am again (Yerin Baek), First love (Sondia), Once again (Mad Clown)

11. Top 5 OST singers?

IU, Taeyeon, Yoon Mirae, Yerin Baek, Davichi

12. Favourite villain in dramas?

Oof, tbh I’ve never really paid much attention to the villains but if I hv to pick one it’s probably Han Sang Hoon from W (yes I had to search his name bcs I’m really bad at remembering characters’ names)

13. Top 5 OTPs?

Ri Jeong Hyeok-Yoon Se Ri (Crash Landing On You), Ko Dong Man-Choi Ae Ra (Fight For My Way), Kim Bok Joo-Jung Joon Hyung (Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Joo), Do Bong Soon-Ahn Min Hyuk (Strong Woman Do Bong Soon), Oh Jin Shin-Kwon Jung Rok (Touch Your Heart) (for that last one Wang Yeo and Kim Sun ship also works teehee)

14. Favourite celebrity couple of real life?

Well they’re not together anymore but Lee Sung Kyung & Nam Joo Hyuk ((:

15. Which actor or actress you want as your bestfriend,older sister,older brother,boyfriend /girlfriend?

Oooo it’ll be nice to be friends with them all but for my best friend, prolly Kim Go Eun. I want Kim Ji Won as my noona and Ji Chang Wook as my oppa (I heard he has great manners :D). And maybe I’m the only one but I would feel extremely uncomfortable to date my bias so I’mma hv to skip that last one lol

16. Who is your favourite kdrama male character?

Again, I never really think about these but the one and only dokkaebi will get points for how hilarious his character is as a whole

17. Who is your favourite kdrama female character?

Literally just finished watching Revolutionary Love, and Byun Hyuk is not the only one that fell in love with Baek Joon’s strong personality. Totally love this girl!!!

18. What is your least favourite drama?

There were several kdramas that I discontinued because I was bored and just sorta disliked it (like it’s not my type). Most of these are action-genred dramas and the ones that are political and pretty heavy (like I didn’t finish vagabond and k2 although they are actually really good ones, I just don’t really like the genres that’s all), but out of all of these I’d probably hv to choose Abyss (stopped watching it after only 2 episodes) or Cheese In The Trap (THE ENDING OMGG I WANNA CRY 😭😭 CITT IS LITERALLY MY FAV WEBTOON AND THE DRAMA’S ENDING RUINED THE WHOLE THING)

19. How were you introduced to kdrama?

Well I’ve known kdramas ever since I was little (I used to join my cousins sometimes while they were watching them) but as a summary, I liked dramas because of webtoon (like drama genre yk) and at that time my cousins and one of my aunt who were at my house at the time were binge-watching CLOY so I sorta joined and watched like half of it, and when it was done there were other kdrama reccs there (we were watching it on netflix) and one of them was WWWSK and I was sorta interested and curious so I decided to watch it with my aunt. Ever since then I’ve been obsessed with kdramas that I binge-watch them everyday lol

20. What was your first drama?

Technically the first drama I’ve finished was What’s Wrong With Secretary Kim (step one on being a PSJ fan woohoooo), but back then when I was little I sometimes joined my cousins when they were watching The Heirs and My Love From The Star

21. Who is your least favourite drama character?

Ooh, the Jang family from Itaewon Class got me on my nerves but both psychopaths from Strong Woman Do Bong Soon and Suspicious Partner are definitely really annoying like why would u kill people for no reason you 미친 사이코 또라이

22. Who is your least favourite actor or actress?

I don’t have a least fave bcs personally I think all of these actors and actresses are talented so like 🤷🏻‍♀️

23. Which actor or actress you want to marry?

As I said before, I would feel extremely uncomfortable if I’m dating my bias, so don’t even think about how I would feel if I married them

24. Is there a drama you wished that drama is your real life?

Wow okay but like EXO Next Door would be incredible lmfaooo (although I’m not rlly a fan of kpop but imagine being friends with all of the members of a popular kpop group like wow)

25. Which drama character you wished to have as your real life girlfriend or boyfriend?

Omg just a clueless romantic like Haru would be adorableee, or someone who is crazy over their gf like Ahn Min Hyuk would be amazhangg

26. Is there a drama character you wished that is you?

Wow I mean like being Do Bong Soon is great bcs 1. You hv superpowers and that’s already amazing on its own but then 2. Legit two handsome guys like you and just AAAA (also 3. She doesn’t hv any past traumas or somn and her relationship with everyone is alright)

27. Do you like noona romances?

Wow tbh nope, I never really liked noona romances, I mean like I’m already sorta uncomfortable when the lead man is older than the lead woman by like a decade or somn (like goblin omg), so like imagine if the woman is now older than the man by a decade (I mean like tbh I don’t rlly like it whenever the girl is older than the guys but eh whatevs)

28. What is your favourite sismance and bromance?

Bromance: KIM. SHIN. WANG. YEO. BEST BROMANCE DRAMA. ENOUGH SAID. EVERYONE CAN AGREEEE

Sismance: Fight For My Way’s Choi Ae Ra and Baek Seol Hee, I mean like,, friendship goals. Periodt.

29. Do you get second lead syndrome for both actors and actresses both?

Yesss, but I tend not to ship them and get too attached to them too much bcs ik they would never be endgame so like T.T

30. In which drama you had the worst second lead syndrome?

LITERALLY WATCHING IT RN AND I FEEL SO BAD FOR KIM SHIN HYUK OMGG 😭😭 (oh and also CITT’s Baek In Ho, like I didn’t ship them at all in the webtoon but their chemistry in the drama is urghhh I feel so bad for my babyy 😭 that’s also how I became a Seo Kang Joon fan YASSS)

31. What is your favourite drama in this year?

Well if you’re talking about drama that I watched this year, it’ll be too many as I’ve only just started watching kdramas literally March this year, so I’ll only perceive this as my favorite drama that was released in 2020, which is Backstreet Rookie although a lot of ppl actually hated it. Personally I disagree with those points too (adult webtoon, prostitution, underaged kissing, etc) but I really like how it’s such a funny comical drama, like those types of dramas are my favorite

32. Can you understand korean without subtitles?

Definitely not but that is indeed my goal yeeyee

33. What is your message to your favourite actor and actress?

You guys are amazing and all of us in the kdrama community will always support all of you, so HWAITING!! 💜

#kdrama #kdramas #kdrama tag #kdrama questions #kdrama question #wow this is too long lol

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kimmie113080 · 5 years ago

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Refusing To Yield Chapter 30

This is based on real life. Just names have been changed to protect the person identity. There is mention of all types abuse. If trig, please don’t read it. Reader get into a relationship with Kim Seokjin and Min Yoongi but all BTS is in this series. There are other people mentioned in this series.

Okay we will talk inside Ann. Everyone let’s go inside. The two girls need to get out of the wheelchairs. Bryan you are correct because the girls have been sitting to long. Captain Cook and Chief Zack will please make sure these two are gone before the concert is over. I do not want my niece to get upset again because she must see them again. Yes, we will make sure they are gone for you. Ann what is the matter? Having to listen to those recordings is making my brain battle again. Okay Ann let’s get you back to the dressing room and make you has comfortable has we can. Please just no one leave my side right now. Ann none of us will leave your side I promise.

Papa m do you think it will be the last time seeing my grandparents on mom side? Ann honey I do not know for sure. I will always stand next to you when its come’s to your mother side. Ann yes, Uncle Bill I also stand next to you when it comes to my side of the family. Thank you, both for standing next to me. I feel like I am going to throw up. Fred let’s get Ann into the bathroom. Okay Bryan we can do that. Mike, Bill, little w and Tim come with us. Jason the concert should be over now can you go meet the guys.

Let the guys know where Ann is at? Yes, Mike I can do that. I started throwing up again from the stress leaving my body. The guys come running in the bathroom. Princess are you feeling better. Yes and no I answered. Mike do you know why your princess get sick. Her grandparents on her mother side showed up. Asking her to drop anything and to get her aunt out of jail also. Ann told them she is not dropping anything.

They told her to do as they said. Ann say I have two recording for you both to listen to. Ann play the recording from the day we found out she was my daughter and the recording from last night. Had did Ann run into them. Fred saw Ann started shaking around the time the power went out last night. He asked Ann if she wanted to go outside and get some air. Ann said yes then Fred if anyone else wanted to get air. We all went outside to had Bill and Jason meet us at the back door. Ann saw movement by the vehicles tap Fred and little w arm pointed. They saw the movement too.

Fred and little w tap Captain Cook and Chief Zack arm pointed to the vehicles. They both started moving towards the vehicles. Fred moved in front of Ann and Chris moved in front of Lisa. Carl and Mark moved the girls back towards the door just in cases we needed to get them inside quick. Little w called for more security. John and Tom came running to help. Ann asked Carl if she could say something. She said I someone is out there show yourselves now. After they heard the recordings. They said they knew nothing about what happened to her when she was younger.

Ann told them she doesn’t believe they knew nothing what was happening to her. Ann told them she doesn’t want them in her life. They said you really do not mean that. She said yes, I do. Ann continue say the only people who have never hurt me are all on this tour with me. I will never ask you two for nothing because I have everything I even wanted right here. They asked what she meant by that. She explained I have a dad willing to protected me. 26 guys who treat like a sister. A step uncle who protects me.

Two guys who adopted me as their niece and will protect me. A female who wants to be my sister. 2 guys who love me unconditionally. 5 more guys willing to show me love also. That is why I will never ask you for anything. Papa m might be my only real family here, but someone told me sometimes water is thicker than blood. This family I built around me is all I need. Will you respect my wishes and stay out of my life? They said Ann if that is what you want, we will respect your wishes. Okay all of you have the run down what happened while you all were on stage.

Ann honey are okay now, so we all can go back to the hotel. Yes, please because I want to lay down. Okay Namjoon why do not you carry Ann and I will tell everyone we are leaving now. Okay Mike I can do that. Uncle Bill meets Chief Zack at the back door telling him that we are ready to leave. Captain Brown there are people asking for Ann. What do you mean there are people asking for Ann? After the concert let out. A group of people came around back asking for Ann the manager of the group. Okay I will send the acting manager out to see what is going on.

Greg can you please go outside to see why there is a group of people from the concert asking for Ann. Yes, Bill I can do that. Ann honey we need to wait a couple of minutes before we can leave. Uncle Bill what is going on? A group from the concert. Came around back asking for you. I sent Greg out to see what they wanted. Ann yes, Greg it is stay for you to see them. Greg what is going on. They want to show Ann support and asking her something.

Fred, little w, Big W and Jason around Namjoon and Ann please. We are on it. Uncle Mark let’s get Lisa in your arms. That is a great idea. Tom and Big R do you mind help Chris and I around Uncle Mark and Lisa. No, we do not mind. Everyone else around the group. Greg is walking out start and telling them to please give some room. Ann, we want to let you know that we support you with everything. Thank you, so much and I heard you all have a question for me.

We heard about the back surgery. We all would like to sound you get well wishes and other encouragement doing your recovery? Yes, that will be okay but after I have the surgery. The press agent will make a statement for the army on how it went. Where anyone who would like to send get well wishes or anything else that they like. Ann, we like you better than the older manager. Can I ask why you like me better? You care about the group has a whole not just Jin and Yoongi sense you are dating them. Plus, you are willing to show other people love no matter what you or they are facing. I will always have the groups best interest at heart and show people the kindest you all have shown me.

None of you are mad at me for making someone their backup manager. No that is one of the parts we like about you. You know there might be a time your body might not be able to do an event. Instead of canceling it someone else can cover for you. That is right why I asked one of my friends who I went to school. We graduated together to be the backup manager. I do not trust a lot of people to have the groups best interest at heart. Everyone who is around the group does have the groups best interest at heart. Ann thank you for talking to us and hope you feel better soon. You all your welcome so much.

Okay guys spill the beans? We do not know what you are talking about. Okay if you all want to play hard ball. Well so can I. Greg yes, Ann when we get back to the hotel. I would like to see the film from tonight’s concert. Ann yes, Greg that will not be a problem to show you. Greg you are going to sell us out that. Yep I am going to sell you guys out. If Greg wasn’t willing to so me the films.

You all forget that I can get answer through other ways. John yes, Ann don’t you need to pack up your place before we leave San Diego? You are right Ann. Tomorrow is the last concert in San Diego. Mike yes, John can I ask a favor from you. John what is favor. Can I leave Lisa with while Chris and I go pack up your place? I do not mind Lisa stay with us while you pack place up. Thank you, so much. Uncle Mark do you want to help or stay with Lisa?

Uncle Mark is talking now. I will come help you this way it all gets done before the concert tomorrow night. John yes, a couple of us can come help to tomorrow. That would be great. Lisa I will grab more clothes for to finish the tour out. John are you sure you can not use me tomorrow. No, Lisa because we are just going to be packing the clothes. I am going to talk to the landlord about leaving the furniture for the next people. Okay John I just feel bad again because I cannot help you and Chris packing stuff up. Lisa yes Ann we can find something for us to do while they are packing up.

Lisa what would you like to do? Can we go back to the park that we went to today? Lisa yes, we can do that. Chris can we get the blankets for the girls before you guys leave in the morning. Yes, I will get the blankets for you guys now. Papa m ordered room service once we got back to the hotel. We watched the film from the concert tonight. Jin and Yoongi talked to Army tell them about my upcoming surgery. Ann and Lisa who Ann can relate to are not coming out tonight do their medical problems are bothering them. I can hear army staying we support Ann and Lisa.

Why did you guys announce that tonight? Ann, we have been announcing but your surgery at everything concert on this tour. Tonight, is the first time any of your fans wanted to see you. Our food arrives right after we all get ready for the camp in. We have a busy day tomorrow, so we decided to sleep after we ate. The last concert in San Diego went off with no problems. We made it through Los Angeles, San Jose, San Francisco with no problems. Chris and Uncle Mark left us the first concert in San Francisco because they were driving the car back home. They called every night to tell where they are at. They have 3 hours left until they are home.

We are in Sacramento for our last three concerts of the tour. John and Tim have been staying in the dressing room with us. John always lay with Lisa for her to be comfortable. I am a little nervous tonight. Ann yes, Fred are you okay. Just a little nervous that is all. Ann honey why are your nervous tonight? I am nervous because everything has been okay but nervous something might happen tonight here. Ann yes, Bryan that is a healthy fear to have. It is Bryan.

Yes, it is because of the record we have on this tour. I just want to get these three concerts and get home with no trouble. Ann we all want that for you also. Uncle Carl when do you have to leave? Ann, I don’t have to be at work until the day after we return home. The judge who is covering for me understand why I came on tour with all of you. We have worked side by side for many years. That is good Uncle Carl you have a co-worker who understands your thinking. Yes, it is good Ann. I need to go to the bathroom.

Okay Ann let’s get you to the bathroom. Lisa do you need to go also. Yes, I do need to go also. Tim can you get Lisa in her chair for me. Yes, I can do that for you John. Papa m helps me, and John helps Lisa. We get back to the dressing room and Greg is waiting for us. Greg is anything okay? Ann the army is calling for you and Lisa. Why are they calling for us?

Jin and Yoongi was talking about you and Lisa. When they started saying we want to see Ann and Lisa? Okay get us to the stage. John and Tim go stand in front of the stage. Call for Big R and Big J to stand with you two. Kookie and Tae are already waiting to take the both of you out on stage. Tae are you going to hold Lisa? Yes, I am because Yoongi is going to be holding you. Why didn’t anyone tell us Jin and Yoongi were going to be talking tonight. Ann, they have been asking army for their support for you two.

Since the second concert in San Diego thus is the first-time army is asking for guys to come on stage. Okay let’s get out on the stage. Kookie is pushing me and Tae is pushing Lisa. Yoongi comes out get me out of the chair. Tae gets Lisa out of her chair. We hear army say we support both Ann and Lisa. Since the two girls are out here. We are going to sing Love Yourself and Make it Alright. They sang then everyone came to give us both hugs before we went backstage. Ann that was kind of weird.

I know that was Lisa. Believe me that was the first-time army has ever requested me out on stage. The rest of the concerts nothing happened. We get back to the hotel and do your normal thing. We made it through the last two concerts with no problems. We arrive at the Sacramento airport to catch our flight home. Once we get through security John was working as air marshal. He asked Jason and Tom to lay with Lisa during the flight since he could not sit with us. They aloud John to help get Lisa comfortable on the plane before he had to sit on the plane. Halfway through the flight Bryan and Fred reposition Lisa and me.

Yoongi switched with little w. Jason switched with Tom. Chris and Uncle Mark meet us at our gate. Everyone came over to our home for dinner and a fire. Uncle Carl could only stay for dinner since he as works the next day. Everyone comes over every night just so we can have dinner together as a big family. Today I must go for my pre-op stuff before my surgery. Jin, Yoongi and Bryan go with me. Bryan asked for me to have a private room while I am in the hospital. They asked why I needed a private room?

Bryan told them since I am the manager of BTS. Plus, dating Jin and Yoongi they want to stay in the hospital with Ann. Yes, we can make that request happen. They give me a bunch of papers to read before the surgery. They told me they will call the night before with what time I must be at the hospital for the surgery. They have been no unwanted visits to show up. Bryan decide not to call his friend to do home therapy for me. He learns the therapist was one Steve’s friends from school. Ann remember how I told you that I have a friend who does home therapy. Yes, I do Bryan when I am, I going to meet them.

Ann they will not be doing your therapy. You know them, but they will not be coming anywhere near you. Bryan how do I know them. Ann they are from your past. I will show you the text messages between us. Sam it is Bryan Parker. Bryan can I do for you. Are you still doing home therapy? Yes, I am. Can I call you later because I am getting ready to visit a friend in jail?

Who is your friend in jail? I do not think you know him, but this name is Steve Brown. I have heard of Ann Brown any relation. How do you know Ann Brown? My brother went to school with her. She is a b and the reason why he is in jail. Okay well I am a private nurse now. I will talk to my client to see if they still need a home therapist and I will let you know. Sam my client found a home therapist, so you are not need. Okay Bryan just let me know if they change their mind.

I do not think they will, but they do I will call you. Ann do not worry because he will never get anywhere near you. Bryan thank you, for protecting me from Sam. Ann is he one of Steve friends who abuse you in the past? Bryan I cannot yes, or no. Steve had a lot of friends who abused me. I do not remember all their names. That is okay Ann. Bryan who are we going to get to my aqua therapy now. Ann were you going some where before you couldn’t use your legs? Yes, I was going some where before I couldn’t use my legs. We will just use them okay.

#bts #bts series #bts fanfic #bts army #kim seokjin #min yoongi #kim namjoon #j-hope #park jimin #kim taehyung #jungkook

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tacticsroom · 5 years ago

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Perceval: Knightly Ideal (Unit Review)

Available at 5★

Lvl 40 Stats (Flaw/Neutral/Asset)

HP: 34/38/41 Atk: 29/32/35 Spd: 34/37/40 Def: 25/28/32 Res: 23/27/30

Neutral BST: 162

Max Dragonflowers: 5

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Skills

Weapon: Prized Lance (400 SP)

Mt: 16. Rng: 1. Accelerates Special trigger (cooldown count-1). At start of combat, if foe’s HP = 100%, grants Atk/Spd/Def/Res+4 during combat and inflicts Special cooldown charge -1 on foe per attack. (Only highest value applied. Does not stack.)

Lance. Cannot be inherited. Cannot be refined.

Assist: None

Special: Luna (200 SP)

CD: 3. Treats foe's Def/Res as if reduced by 50% during combat.

Can be inherited. Cannot use: Staff.

A: Atk/Def Solo 3 (240 SP)

If unit is not adjacent to an ally, grants Atk/Def+6 during combat.

Can be inherited.

B: Lull Atk/Spd 3 (240 SP)

Inflicts Atk/Spd-3 on foe and neutralizes foe's bonuses to Atk/Spd (from skills like Fortify, Rally, etc.) during combat.

Can be inherited. Cannot use: Armored, Flying.

C: Rouse Def/Res 3 (240 SP)

At start of turn, if unit is not adjacent to an ally, grants Def/Res+6 to unit for 1 turn.

Can be inherited. Cannot use: Armored, Flying.

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Analysis

Despite being a new unit, Perceval struggles to carve out a particular niche with an underwhelming and thinly-spread statline.

Essentially all of Perceval’s stats are quite mediocre with his 37 neutral Spd being arguably the only one worth taking note of. While this does result in Perceval being workable in multiple directions, it also means he hardly excels in any either; his offenses aren’t nearly high enough to be utilized for an aggressive playstyle that a unit like Brave Eliwood can pull off infinitely better at the same rarity and cost. Pervecal’s defenses are distributed evenly but somewhat too low to be groundbreaking - many infantry and armored units can be far better tanks than him.

Perceval’s main selling point is his unique weapon, Prized Lance, functioning essentially as a high-value Slaying Lance, featuring cooldown reduction as its base effect. It additionally boosts all of Perceval’s stats by +4, helping to take each of his stats from mediocre to good, as well as a Guard effect to prevent Special-reliant enemies from gaining momentum, however these bonuses are only active while Perceval faces full-health enemies, essentially meaning that Perceval will struggle in prolonged or drawn-out fights. This would be excellent if Perceval could more reliably ORKO enemies, however his lacking Atk means that he will likely have to depend on a Special to do so against bulky enemies, a unit type that is far too common for Prized Lance to be considered particularly consistent. With Sable Lance, Sirius essentially does what Perceval can but better, and while Sirius’s Res is far lower than Perceval’s, his high Def makes it much easier to specialize him.

Because of Perceval’s versatility, he favors no boons/assets in particular aside from HP. His optimal IVs will depend mostly on the chosen build.

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Similar Units

Cordelia: Knight Paradise (41/32/38/28/18)

Perceval: Knightly Ideal (-3/+0/-1/+0/+9)

Sirius: Mysterious Knight (40/34/37/35/16)

Perceval: Knightly Ideal (-2/-2/+0/-7/+11)

Laegjarn: New Experiences (38/32/35/35/17)

Perceval: Knightly Ideal (+0/+0/+2/-7/+10)

Oscar: Agile Horseman (40/33/34/26/21)

Perceval: Knightly Ideal (-2/-1/+3/+2/+6)

Frederick: Steady Squire (40/31/34/26/21)

Perceval: Knightly Ideal (-2/+1/+3/+2/+6)

Sully: Crimson Knight (42/26/34/24/28)

Perceval: Knightly Ideal (-4/+6/+3/+4/-1)

Eliwood: Marquess Pherae (40/37/35/32/18)

Perceval: Knightly Ideal (-2/-5/+2/-4/+9)

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Builds

Budget/Low Investment:

Perceval’s base kit is geared toward an aggressive duelist playstyle. With Prized Lance, Atk/Def Solo, and Lull Atk/Spd, Perceval effectively reaches a statline of 58/44/43/34 against full-health enemies, allowing him to quickly deal with non-tank enemies and take minimal damage in the process. Darting Blow improves his Spd to increase his ability to ORKO faster units, however Sturdy Blow can be used to increase his damage outright to get through bulkier units.

Offensive:

With workable offenses, Perceval can be min-maxed to become a great player phase threat, putting both Prized Lance and his cavalry range to good use.

The first build is fairly plain, combining Fury, Desperation, and Brazen Atk/Spd to improve his overall strength and become even deadlier as he gets damaged. Under ideal conditions, this build puts Perceval at a statline of 63/55/36/31.

The second build uses Galeforce to allow Perceval to attack multiple times per turn, ideally ORKOing his opponents from full health with Prized Lance’s conditional bonus. Prized Lance puts Galeforce at a base cooldown of 4, so with Heavy Blade, Perceval simply needs to pass its Atk check and land two hits to fully charge and activate Galeforce, which can be easily done every turn. Def Smoke weakens enemies after his first attack, making it easier to score a second kill that turn.

Defensive:

Perceval also has workable mixed defenses and Prized Lance’s Guard effect also prevents his aggressors from bursting him down with Specials, though because Prized Lance disincentivizes him from battling an enemy multiple times, using Perceval defensively arguably has less potential than offensively.

The first build uses Distant Counter and Distant Def to let Perceval tank ranged enemies. Combined with Prized Lance and Lull Atk/Spd, Perceval effectively gains +4/7/13/13 when attacked at range. Perceval can then retaliate with Bonfire for 21 burst damage.

The second build is built for mixed phase use, making it not only difficult to damage him but double him as well, as Prized Lance and Lull Atk/Spd effectively put him at 48 Spd, and with Def/Res Bond on top, effectively 48 Def and 43 Res.

#mod lucius #fire emblem heroes #feh #unit review #Perceval: Knightly Ideal #lance/cavalry #Guardians of Peace

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sizzleitupwithmaria · 5 years ago

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here you go @baura-bear (i’ve also definitely done these before but i know i’ve changed so)

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

i’m kind of a hoarder so all of them?? but mostly mugs and water bottles

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

CHOCOLATE

3. bubblegum or cotton candy

cotton candy slaps

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

very shy but a good learner

5. do you prefer to drink soda from cans, bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

soda sounds really unappealing right now so none?

6. pastel, boho, tomboys, preppy, goth, grunge, formal, or sportswear?

a combo of boho tomboy and grunge

7. earbuds or headphones?

earbuds

8. movies or tv shows?

i don’t have the patience for either, podcasts are superior

9. favorite smell in the summer?

i walked by this couple yesterday who had ice cream and just... the smell of sugared cream and waffle cones.... delicious

10. game you were best at in pe?

volleyball maybe, but i still wasn’t good at that

11. what do you have for breakfast on an average day?

a granola bar, which sucks bc my first period is choir this year so i won’t be able to eat first period!!

12. name of your favorite playlist?

“oh boy i’m pining for someone”

13. lanyard or keyring?

my keychain is so heavy that wearing a lanyard would slowly break my neck

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

GUMMI BEARS!!!!!!!

15. favorite book you’ve read as a school assignment?

either romeo and juliet, to kill a mockingbird, or and then there were none

16. most comfortable position to sit in

i like legs crossed but i also like just the ideal Leg Bounce position

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

my grey converse high tops

18. ideal weather?

like... 60 degrees and mildly cloudy

19. sleeping position?

on my side or occasionally on my stomach

20. preferred place to write?

in a notebook, writing on my laptop gets old after a while

21. obsession from childhood?

MAGIC TREE HOUSE or dolls in general

22. role model?

eva fucking noblezada

23. strange habits?

i like to shake my foot when i see something i like (is this stimming? probably and i kind of like it)

24. favorite crystal

emerald but just bc it’s my birthstone

25. first song you remember hearing?

probably something off of rumors by fleetwood mac

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

i hate warm weather but i like shopping

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather

go to school?? i kind of feel like my outfits are the coolest in winter and that gets me a lot of compliments

28. five songs that describe you?

just pick five random queen songs and it’ll probably be pretty accurate

29. best way to bond with you?

literally just talk to me. i can ramble for hours about shit you probably don’t care about

30. places that you find sacred?

my bedroom and the two giant woods in my hometown

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

basically just blue jeans a flannel and a black tank top. not very cool but i feel nice in it

32. top five favorite vines

all i can think of rn is i’m gonna munch i’m gonna crunch so there’s that (stream revolution lover)

33. most used phrase in your phone?

fdhslfhdjslkfdk or any other keyspam

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

i have adblock lmao

35. average time you fall asleep

like 12:30 now that it’s summer

36. what is the first meme you remember seeing?

ehrmagerd or however you spell it

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

duffel bag

38. lemonade or tea

both, including when they’re combined (arnold palmers slap)

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

cake

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school

high school: this past year’s senior prank which did give me a mental breakdown but it was kind of hilarious

middle school: The Smell

41. last person you texted?

my dad

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

pants, i always feel like shit will fall out of my jacket pockets

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket, or bomber jacket?

hoodie and cardigan, Maximum Coze

44. favorite soap scent?

i kind of like dessert scents

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy, or superhero?

none of them??

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

my fav flannel which is very soft and underwear

47. favorite type of cheese?

the one that comes on pizza

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

....... a watermelon? i look pretty appealing from the outside but i’m actually 92% water

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

andre deshields’ three rules to longevity from the tonys :,)

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

i can’t remember but i’ve definitely peed myself laughing in like... elementary school

51. current stresses?

“am i waiting too long to snap back my crush” and “OH SHIT I HAVEN’T STARTED ANY OF MY ESSAYS”

52. favorite font?

helvetica or comic sans if i’m in the mood

53. what is the current state of your hands?

i last washed them like 30 mins ago, my left hand’s nails are painted black, and my right pointer finger is bleeding

54. what did you learn from your first job?

i haven’t had one yet lol

55. favorite fairy tale?

i have no idea

56. favorite tradition?

i don’t really have any noteworthy ones

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

That Time In October 2017, The Week Of May 6 2019, and The Week Of Mamma Mia Auditions And The Week After (those are the official titles in my brain lmao)

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

i have a good fashion sense, people tend to like my art?? i’m good in a choir?? and i guess i’m a bit naturally smart

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

something like “i’m gay”

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

some combination of yuri on ice and ouran high school host club

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc?

i particularly like that one dude in hp and the sorcerer’s stone that was described as a toothless walnut

62. seven characters you relate to?

uhh my mind is really drawing a blank rn

63. five songs that would play in your club?

like... a combination of 70′s queen, cousin simple, and memes that’ll make people go buckwild

64. favorite website from your childhoos?

girlsgogames

65. any permanent scars?

(small tw) i have a scar on my left middle finger from when i tried to change razor blades and i just noticed today i have one single self harm scar left on my left leg and nnnnnnnhhhhhhh

66. favorite flowers?

roses and ik ferns don’t count but ferns are v pretty

67. good luck charms?

i have the shittiest luck lmao

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

i’m infamous for never trying new foods

69. a fun fact you don’t know how you learned?

idk, pretty much every fun fact ever?

70. left or right handed?

right

71. least favorite pattern?

like.... stripes of any kind make me look fatter than i am

72. worst subject

physical science, but it’s all bc of my shitty teacher

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

uhhhh fries and a wendy’s frosty?? or sometimes i squeeze a lemon into my coke

74. at what pain level out of ten do you have to be at before you take a pill?

hahahahahahaha i can’t swallow pills so i suffer

75. when did you lose your first tooth

i have no fuckin clue

76. what’s your favorite potato food?

fries!!!!! good!!

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

ferns or cacti

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

neither?

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

my school id but only bc i don’t have a license yet lmao

80. earth or jewel tones?

earth

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

fireflies

82. pc or console?

pc?? although all i play on is my laptop which isn’t technically a pc

83. writing or drawing?

neither rn, i’m feeling uninspired

84. podcasts or talk radio?

P O D C A S T S

85. barbie or polly pocket?

neither, i was a liv doll kid

86. fairy tales or mythology?

mythology but i can also dig some like... brothers grimm shit

87. cookies or cupcakes?

both but it depends on my mood (i could really go for a cookie rn)

88. your greatest fear?

experiencing eternal blackness after death

89. your greatest wish?

move into an apartment with my soulmate and act for a living

90. who would you put before everyone else?

nobody really rn

91. luckiest mistake?

coming out to my parents maybe? although it wasn’t a mistake, i would defo be in a bad place if i was closested at home

92. boxes or bags?

i have no clue

93. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight, or fairy lights?

fairy lights!!

94. nicknames?

none but if any future partners can come up with one for me i will marry them instantly

95. favorite season?

fall or spring

96. favorite app on your phone?

instagram or tik tok (KILL ME)

97. desktop background?

a nice landscape one of my fav artists painted

98. how many phone numbers have you memorized?

just my own lmao

99. favorite historical era?

60′s/70′s (i hate to be that bitch but that’s when music was at its peak)

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whiskynottea · 6 years ago

Text

An interruption in the 1st law of thermodynamics.

Previously, Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15 Chapter 16 Chapter 17 Chapter 18 Chapter 19 Chapter 20 Chapter 21 Chapter 22 Chapter 23 Chapter 24 Chapter 25 Chapter 26 Chapter 27 Chapter 28 Chapter 29 Chapter 30 Chapter 31 Chapter 32 Chapter 33 Chapter 34

AO3

@theministerskat, there is not much left to say at this point... Thank you!! ❤️

Also, cheers to @notameeksassenach for her tags 😉

Chapter 35. Expectations

Expectations. What a person believes will happen, under certain conditions. The product of probability and value.

The problem with this equation is that values change depending on the person.

Brian Fraser valued the continuation of his business, a stable life for his son to carry on his family name, an admirable career that would give Jamie the foundation for a happy life.

I valued Jamie’s happiness and proximity. I didn’t care what he chose to do, as long as it made him happy and we left Edinburgh together, going to uni and living the best years of our lives.

Jamie, however, valued the feeling of water enfolding his body in the pool, the thrill of a victory, the progress he made every day towards being the best.

Happiness is a common trait, linked to the variables of everyone’s expectations. But there is a different version of happiness in each person, anchored to its own universe.

Our expectations. Our family’s, our friends’ expectations… What we have, what we’d like to have, what we should have in the future. Who we should be.

Life is demanding. And love makes people demanding.

A battle of beliefs – adding weight to our decisions, to our plans, to our lives. Changing the equation’s balance.

Jamie was angry, scared, stressed. I couldn’t imagine a worse combination. He closed himself off and I was sure that he hardly heard my little motivational speech as I was talking to him during the lunch break.

“Listen to me, you bloody Scot. Your father said that you’ll stop swimming if you don’t get better grades. IF.” At this point, I had grasped his hand, my fingers applying pressure against his, pushing my conviction into his skin.

“He doesna understand, Sassenach.” Jamie’s words were strained, leaving barely opened lips. “He thinks I’m fooling around wi’ the swimming when I’m not. Ye ken that.” His eyes bore into mine, daring me to contradict him. “Tis what makes me happy.” His face softened for a moment, before adding, “And you.”

“I know Jamie, but you can’t blame hi-”

“The hell I can’t!” I’d lost him again. He went from vulnerable and open to distant and cold in mere seconds.

“He wants the best for you, that’s why he pushes you,” I tried again, willing the relation between the two strong headed men to be mended. “He’s your father, Jamie, he loves you more than anyone.”

“My Ma would never have done this, make me choose.” His voice broke min-sentence and he fixed his eyes on an invisible mark on the floor.

I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. I wouldn’t let him get caught in that loop of pain and anger. It was easy to blame his dad and idealize his mother. It was safe - no one could prove him wrong. Before I opened my mouth to speak again, Jamie’s ironic chuckle stopped me.

“He never really got it – my Da. It was my Ma who was driving me to the pool every day, who cheered me on, she embraced who I was and my love for swimming. My Da… his mind was always on the business.” Loss and hurt gave way to fury again, and his words came out harsh and hurried. “And now he sees swimming as a distraction, when the only distraction is school.”

At this, I stopped short. I blinked once, trying to comprehend what he’d said.

“What?” It was a single syllable, but it must have carried a load of emotion because Jamie’s face turned abruptly towards me. I tried to be calm, to stop my heaving chest, to keep my pounding heart safe in my chest before it broke in pieces. “Jamie, you can’t really mean that.” My words sounded almost normal – almost. “You need to study, you need the grades, the A levels…” My composure failed me then, the continuation of my sentence silent, grinding against my throat.

Us.

He didn’t want to go to Oxford anymore? If he didn’t care about school, about uni…

“Claire,” he said, voice husky again. “Please, not you too. Not you.”

I shook my head, willing the tears to stay hidden behind closed eyelids, my face straining in pain. I felt his strong arms around my shoulders pulling me tight to him and I swallowed hard, scared of what was to come. A secret buried deep inside him, coming to the surface. “I didna mean it, mo chridhe. Not that way.” I didn’t move or speak, and I felt him take a deep breath, his chest pushing against my own. “I’m sorry, Claire. I dinna want to fuck up with you too.”

I ran my hands over my face, took a step back and looked at him. “So what did you mean?”

He shrugged, running a hand through his messed locks. “I dinna want to stop swimming, is all I meant. I need to focus on training. If I win the Scottish National Champs I might even get to the national team - I checked the times they need, I’m really close. But this doesna mean I dinna want to fix my grades.”

I pushed myself to the side for a moment, tossed my expectations in the trash can and decided to focus on his - all the while feeling a knife going through my heart. But this wasn’t about me. It was about him. His life, his future. His happiness.

I took him by the hand and walked into an empty classroom. It was quiet, the dust suspended in the air, the numbers on the blackboard noting dates to be remembered, important, historical ones. Not like the dates I remembered: when he asked me for my number, when we kissed for the first time, when we went to the cinema on our first date, when I spent the night in his room at Lallybroch, when we made love. I didn’t want to add another date to my list - when Jamie realized that he didn’t want to come to Oxford. And yet, I would - if I had to.

Jamie sat on a desk and I settled between his thighs. His eyes were lost, desperate. “Do you remember when we went to the escape room?” I asked and he looked at me surprised, but nodded his head.

“Before we met the others, we talked about our A levels.” He nodded again. “You said you would take over your father’s business, but your dream was to travel, to write a book. Do you still want to do that?”

Jamie smiled, shaking his head. “Ye do remember everything, aye?” I shrugged in response and let him continue. “I still like studying English more than maths, that’s to be sure. But, nay, I dinna see myself doing that.”

“What do you see yourself doing then?”

“I want to keep swimming.”

“You and Dory from Nemo,” I said, losing my solemn expression for a moment, and kissed his nose.

A silent laugh left his throat and he took a deep breath, but didn’t speak.

“Do you want to go to uni?” I asked, my voice steady. My heart clenched, ready to take the blow.

“Of course I do, Claire!”

A loud beat, the blood resuming its flow through my body.

“To do what?” I asked, making him justify his response out loud. If he didn’t want to face his future, to prioritize his goals, someone had to do it for him.

“Business management.” He said it as if it was obvious, and yet the worst thing in the world.

“Jamie, do you want to take over the family business? I mean… Do you really want to do it?”

Jamie looked away for a long moment and swallowed hard before his eyes returned to mine. “I dinna ken. It’s not actually a choice, Sassenach.”

“Have you talked to your dad about it? Have you ever explained to him how you feel?”

Jamie let out a long breath before a sad smile settled on his lips. “I canna do that.”

“And why is that?” I pushed him.

“He has been planning it for years. It would break him, Sassenach. My Ma and he, they created everything, starting from nothing. It’s his dream to continue the Fraser business, so my parents’ labour wouldn’t be in vain. He wants to leave something behind - for us. A legacy that we’ll take even further. I canna deny him his dream.”

“His dream.” I emphasized.

“Still,” he said it simply and it was all I needed to understand what he meant. He couldn’t let down his father. Wouldn’t, not now. Not before having something more certain as an alternative.

“But you can see yourself running the business?”

“Aye, I can. Tis not that bad, Sassenach. In a way, we try to make people happy, give them pleasure wi’ our products. Maybe give them a smile some time during their day.”

I smiled, thinking of my smile every time I ate one of their shortbread cookies. ”But it’s not swimming.” I voiced the part of his thoughts he had kept silent.

“No, tis not.”

“But would you like to be a professional swimmer?” I asked him, already knowing the answer.

“Ye ken that I want to. But tis not easy.”

“So, since you still don’t know what the future holds for you, you’ll close no doors - just yet.”

“No, I won’t. That’s why I’m training as much as I can. That’s why I’ll go to uni. Wi’ you,” he said and pulled me closer for a kiss.

“You do realise,” I said with a frown when we broke our kiss, “That for this to happen, you have to study and pass our exams. Right?”

Jamie raised his eyebrows, as if the answer to my question was obvious. “Help me wi’ the maths?”

I looked at him and thought that I could easily finish this conversation with a positive answer and a kiss. But I couldn’t. The doubt crept up in me, slowly eating pieces of my happiness. My expectations. “Jamie, is Oxford still your dream as it is mine?” My voice was as light as I could make it sound, trying not to push him towards an answer, to have him make his own decision. “It’s fine if it’s not.”

That knife again, threatening my heart. But I wanted him to be sure of his choice. I didn’t want to force my dreams on him.

Jamie pulled me towards him again, holding me so tight that I could barely breathe. “I didna mean it Claire, about school. I said that out of anger, for my da. For swimming.” His eyebrows furrowed in the absence of my response and he ran his hand along my cheekbone, as if to wipe invisible tears. “Ye do believe me, right?”

“I do,” I whispered, leaning into his touch. “It’s going to be okay.”

“Ye’ll help me then?” His lips found my forehead, lingering there, pressing against my skin.

“I will,” I said and exhaled loudly. “We’re going to have you ready for those A levels.”

“Thank ye, Sassenach. Thank ye for bearing with me.”

“Well, I have ulterior motives, don’t I?” I smiled, trying to lighten the mood. “I do want you at Oxford with me.”

Jamie chuckled and kissed me, his lips soft against mine. “I dinna ken what I’ve done to deserve ye, mo ghraidh, but I thank my luck every day for that gift.”

“Umhmm,” I smiled against his mouth, trapping his bottom lip between my teeth.

Jamie and I got organized. We put together a study plan, never breaking our schedule. Twice per week, I was taking my books and notes and rode to his place in a full teaching mode, determined to fill the gaps he’d created by totally disregarding any maths homework in months.

Ahead of the prospect of losing his swimming training and, consequently, all the meets his coach had planned for him, Jamie set on studying square roots and coefficients of quadratic equations, series and trigonometry. He wasn’t extremely happy for the task, and murmured things under his breath once too often, but he did it.

It wasn’t easy, but we had everything under control.

Not that we were always completely focused.

Not that Jamie hadn’t suggested that for every solved equation we would remove a piece of clothing.

Not that Ian had entered the room at that exact moment, turned red and suggested we’d inform him beforehand if we were actually studying or not. “That’s anatomy, by the way,” he’d said, chortling, as he closed the door, “Not maths.”

Not that Jamie wiggled his eyebrows at me, whispering, “When will we study A level Anatomy, my Sassenach?”

But, all in all, it was going well.

I usually stayed for dinner afterwards, the smell of Murtagh’s famous scrambled eggs or Ian’s spaghetti napolitana wafting into Jamie’s room, and making our stomachs growl. Lamb used to feign irritation with me for leaving him alone, but I could see the small smile on his face, no matter how much he was trying to hide it behind the paper he held.

The day Mr. McMahon asked to see Jamie after class, telling him that he could finally see in him the student he knew all the past years, we celebrated with fish and chips at Calton Hill.

Jamie relaxed and focused on his - now balanced - schedule. He got his confidence back, and was positive that he could win the Scottish National Open Championship and rock his A levels. More importantly, he stopped fighting with his dad over the phone, even though it was clear that Brian still wasn’t happy with Jamie’s training schedule. But at least he was now reassured that Jamie wouldn’t fail his A levels. He’d become the lad he was supposed to be, getting ready for the continuation of his education.

We had more than one reason to believe that Brian would let Jamie stay in Edinburgh over the Easter holidays. During our breaks from studying – when we weren’t extremely busy kissing or making out – we cuddled on his bed and whispered to each other, making plans for the two weeks we’d be all alone. We spoke our dreams softly in the quiet room, our voices floating around before taking shape; cherry blossoms over our heads as we’d walk through the city parks, the buzz of the people in the old town as we’d walk up the Royal Mile, the table we’d set to eat all alone, the nights we’d spend awake, making love. The days too – as Jamie pointed out. Jenny and Ian would go back home and Murtagh would be going to Paris with his mysterious woman. Not that Suzette was that mysterious, but we kept our mouths shut until he finally introduced her to us. She was living in the same apartment building, and it wasn’t that common for Murtagh to go grocery shopping - buying chia seeds for a neighbor.

With so many dreams ready to come true, Jamie asked his dad if he’d changed his mind a few days before the break. Everything was going according to the plan now, and he could stay back to continue studying and training.

Brian, however, answered with a definite “No.” He wanted Jamie to return to Lallybroch and work on the distillery. They would begin the fermentation of their new single malt and he wanted his son to be there. “To get to know things from the inside,” as he’d said.

Our dreams popped in the room, iridescent bubbles that held nothing but thin air.

Jamie looked at me with brooding eyes, unable to talk for a few minutes. “I canna believe he’s doing this to me. I dinna bloody care about his whisky!”

“Jamie,” I said, cupping his cheeks with my hands, bringing his forehead against mine. “It’s alright.”

It wasn’t alright, but I couldn’t make things worse by saying it aloud.

“Tis not alright. I’ve done everything he asked for!” His slumped shoulders sank a bit deeper and he brought his arms around me, pulling me into his embrace.

“You’ve done what you needed to do. For you, not for him. And he was negative from the beginning about you staying back, we should have expected that.”

But we hadn’t, because we fooled ourselves with cherry blossoms and endless kisses.

“It’s two weeks, Sassenach. What are we going to do for two whole weeks?”

I kissed the tip of his nose, his cheekbones, his lips. “We’ll text. We’ll video call.”

“We’ll count the days,” he said and I kissed his pout.

“Yes, that too.” I agreed, my hands leaving his cheeks to run through his silken hair.

His lopsided smile was the last thing I saw before he took my lips in his in a slow, long, burning kiss.

Two days later, I watched the train leaving from the central station and taking him away, his words reverberating in my head louder than any other sound around me.

“I miss you already, babe. So much.”

Chapter 36

#thermodynamics #The first law of thermodynamics #high school AU #Jamie x Claire #Outlander fanfic #outlander fanfiction

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