#this isnt about any posts today. but like. its tiring as fuck having a blog i run for my own enjoyment but then getting bombarded with

[totallyseiso]

Every time one of my posts breaches containment I start to get a better understanding of why so many people remake when they get too many followers

[acaesic]

if yapping in the tags were a job id be jeff bezos

[damnfandomproblems]

5305, replying to the following set of asks:

-

Rightfully blocked my ass, you started shit and now you're just mad im fighting back. Replyblockers when they can dish it out but cant take it lmfao. I have a bio btw so something is wrong with your device methinks. Get off the internet if you cant handle "I'll kill you" jokes I know you dont hold that same energy for people who you arent starting shit with. "I hope he explodes" and "ripping you apart rn" have always been things people say online nonseriously, grow the fuck up.

also fuck you mean my blog is stuffed with wanting to kill people are you actually insane?? its all memes, what fucking blog are you looking at because it sure isnt mine, weirdo

also fuck you mean my blog is stuffed with wanting to kill people are you actually insane?? its all memes, what fucking blog are you looking at because it sure isnt mine, weirdo

"you clearly have anger issues" no im fucking TIRED. you replyblocked me when you could have just left me the fuck alone. literally what was the point aside from getting a rise out of someone that you knew you could get a rise out of because they're SICK of people like you. "why bother with asks" because you made it impossible to reply to you while you get to reply to me. its 100% safe to assume youve sent the asks because youve been insufferable. either dm me like an adult or just leave me alon

-

I don't think the person who blocked you is sending any asks to this blog. You know why? Because I've been sending them. You're coming off like a rabid, immature twat with nothing better to. A random person said they have no interest in talking to your sorry ass, which could've ended the interaction with then and there, but instead you freaked out because, for god knows what reason, you just couldn't let things go, so now you're vomiting all over the inbox of this blog for me and everyone else to see. Delightful. Mark of a mature person.

Nobody cares you're "fighting back". The blocker is amused because of how much you're overreacting, they don't seem "mad". Someone who blocks you isn't a "replyblocker", there's always a last person to talk in an interaction that one party doesn't want to be in. Who gives a shit if you don't get the last word.

No, hofnarrofficial, you do not have a bio.

Read the other ask at 756577560112005120 about people not tolerating jokes about killing people. Nobody said you actually wanted to kill someone. Your blog is stuffed with jokes about killing people. Take the hint.

"Weirdo" insult, that's rich. Coming from the person going on anon to continually harass someone who has, to their credit, actually put their profile behind what they say.

Yes, you do have anger issues. You've sent what, at least five asks following the moment where someone blocked you. You're the one keeping this going, mate. I'm sure a lot of people are looking at your post and rolling their eyes because they want you to shut the fuck up, myself included. But maybe that was your plan? People don't pull this diva crap unless they desperately need attention.

"because you made it impossible to reply to you while you get to reply to me." They didn't want you to reply to them. They. Blocked. You. My god. My eyes cannot roll any further back into my head.

"either dm me like an adult or just leave me alon" Yelling into the phone: They. BLOCKED. YOU.

Go outside.

Posting as a response to a previous problem.

Also including an additional response from earlier:

Anon:

The backpedaling is real with the House fans today.

[nonbinarygamzee]

Dave thoughts? I'm very curious about your hatred for that guy (if that makes sense)

HAHA ok so admittedly maybe my posts about how much i hate him are a bit overblown because i basically think its really funny that he only comes up on my blog if i am being a hater. integral to understand that while i post "fandom" content on here that i dont really think of this as a fandom blog so much as a blog where i come to have conversations with myself and so naturally just bc of who i am a lot of my little posts are full of context and meaning i never bother to externalize because they are for me to reread later and have a little chuckle about.

anyways. theres a lot of reasons i find him grating but i can at least admit it that a lot of my annoyance has more to do with the way i was forced to slog through strider manpain posts endlessly as a teenager any direction i tried to look. when the fandom seemed hyperfocused on him and his woes while actively sending me like graphic gore at like age 14 for saying hey maybe this other character also deserves some sympathy and maybe even analysis that has more to say than why they are an evil irredeemable monster for being unstable as a child. which yknow that isnt daves fault but man even without that part it was tiring to see all of the emotional depth constantly boxed into his corner. and then to repeatedly have the comics itself affirm all of this as valid exploration and then ridicule me for My exploration. for many many years the strider manpainisms made me not bother with dirk just on principle even though today hes one of the more interesting characters to me! so i can admit im not being totally "fair" here but well. as usual i think the fandom darlings can handle a fraction of the disdain ive see thrown my favies ways constantly for over a decade.

and like none of that to say i dont Get why people do this with him or that he deserved anything he got as a kid or it wasnt abuse or whatever. let the records show that i think it is Wrong to terrorize your brotherson with swords and sex puppets. im a feminist.

more rooted in the reality of the comic itself though i just find it grating how often daves sole function in a scene is to be the authors mouthpiece and specifically often in ways where you are meant to implicitly agree with the things he is saying irregardless of whether they are a centrist gen x nightmare opinion because its also the larger opinion of homestuck as an entity. dave is far from the only character to do this and id say any of the characters you could comfortably refer to as the "protagonists" actually end up slipping into this fairly often. that said the other biggest offenders imo are karkat, egbert and terezi and i also have feelings of extreme ambivalence for terezi and to be honest an outright disinterest in egbert. so. i am at least consistent about it! karkats my special guy but i need him hunted for sport and tortured until he stops being this and largely the things he believe that make me feel that way heavily align with the opinions the comic depicts as mostly right and again tend to be moments hussies worldview is bleeding into the narrative especially openly.

anddd ok. i just find daves personality grating on top of it. i cant sit here and pretend ive never laughed at a dave strider dialogue but generally a lot of the parts people find very funny are parts i tend to come away having seen the thousanth iteration of dave having his worldview affirmed and getting to do some #awesome clapback at the person insinuating he even try to think outside of his own preconceived ideas about what things should be like. in general in a story so full of characters doing bad things it just grates on me that, while his offenses are certainly usually "minor" in the grand scheme of things, the lack of willingness to challenge them often just means like dave gets to be right and nobody remembers when he actually massively fucks someone else up or makes them feel worse. like to be clear none of this is a problem in that characters cant "do bad things", i literally like vriska, but it would be cool if we could at least like. acknowledge that theyre anything but entertaining even within the context of the universe where other characters should be allowed to be uncomfortable when hes actively creepy or uses their emotional breaking points as a soapbox for how He feels. but since it would cause this big rift in how homestuck itself presents the opinions it wants you to agree with, those characters just..... not only do not mind most of the time but even if they do its never in a way that allows them agency in the matter. thats the crux of it all for me actually, hes by far one of the most autonomous characters of the bunch and it feels frequently like his agency is at the expense of others because hes a self insert.

um ok tldr hes annoying and him being the Face of homestuck is like..... accurate but in the most painful nightmare way because he kind of just. Is homestuck. to me.

(and i actually do see iterations of him sometimes that i find compelling but they all feel so detached from how hes presented in the comic that it just feels like someones oc. all of this said also i actually kind of have an absurd amount of thoughts on how he would act post game (epilogues ignored here) just i dont bother to do much with em because dave likers would hate it and other dave haters probably wouldnt care enough lol. also always secondary info anyways, hes finally allowed irrelevency in My city)

[savnofilter]

TW: MENTIONS OF DISCOURSE, GR//MING, P/D/PHILIA, ASS//LT, C//NSENT, D//RK CONTENT.

- this isnt under a read more because i want people to read this, but please read past this/tread carefully if you cannot handle such topics. this is not meant to be interacted with.

I'm not sure how to really go about this. I've been overthinking if I should address this and bring up some stuff while I've been gone, so sorry the absence. I deleted the tumblr app a few days ago and I downloaded it again today so i could post this. I really don't like making posts like this because it cuts the vibe that I've been trying to portray that everything is okay and it makes me feel really disconnected to you guys. I am sorry for the abrupt absence and cutting off any source of communication between us. I knew if I left any form of direct line of talk to me that I would receive hate and I just mentally decided that I cant sit through being harassed right now.

Have you guys ever paid attention to the same people who always have a statement to say or is always in discourse? It's very telling how everyone can post about me, but I shouldnt dare post about them. I'm tired of not being able to post about what I want without people vague posting about me, bringing me up every time they start another discourse with another writer or directly talking about me. My days on here are starting to feel the same. Its good then it goes bad. Good goes bad and bad goes good. It's not even tiring, annoying, or angering -- its repetitive. When I'm not saying anything people create fake stories about me, and when i speak about it im the one starting discourse. Don't get me wrong, I'm nowhere near perfect and I have made my own mistakes. But why the fuck am I always being told to be the mature one, why am I the one who should've done better, why do you people expect so much from me. It's the fact people are always quick to say, "no one cares about you, youre fishing for attention" when they're the ones who vague and interact with me while ive been minding my business for months now. Hm. The fact people have me proudly blocked but still harass me anyways shows a lot about themselves than it does for me. How its such an issue that im a minor until it comes to demonizing, tearing down my character, gaslighting, lying and bullying. I'm a literal example of how their friend group manipulates their followers and exiles people from fandoms for not kissing their ass. except now its in your face.

Consider this my last post about this discourse. I'm not going to waste my time on people who fail to digest other peoples thoughts and opinions time and time again because theyre weak narcissists. If I so choose to decide to shit post my opinions or argue with someone, none of you should be aggravated or moved by it because youre not even supposed to be on my page. If its not something serious i will not be wasting energy that i can be using to build on myself as a growing person than on miserable old ladies that have to use fanfiction to have excitement in their pity, depressing and lackluster lives. If people so do choose to create stories or vague about me, I do not care. So I ask respectfully to people who do lurk on my page to not attempt to message, post or vague about me please. This includes sending anons to yourself to make shit happen.

Past that, something got me thinking. My (older) friend had showed me screenshots of adult writers (no one i have spoken to) that were very excited to write underaged reader with adult characters. There are other instances where writers (that you have probably read from) on here openly made reader underage while aging characters up as adults/with adults. There are many more but there's really no point in listing them nor do I really care. But least to say, the same people who are gung-ho over these pedophilic themes/stories are the same people who support predatory people.

I've been thinking about whether or not i should continue writing for the students anymore. Granted, I still think they're attractive because one snap of the fingers cant stop that. I had been teetering on this thought for awhile because of how borderline pedophilic the people are here towards my age group. I enjoy writing but not to the point of willingly being in a straight line of sight where people who are well over 16 are harassing me and lurking on my page, especially to other minors solely because they are my friends. Backtracking to the statement before, I honestly dont know if I will either stop writing or just for the students as a whole. It shows that clearly some people are using their attraction to teens with the excuse that the characters are fake. The rapid normalization on dark problematic "kinks" is disgusting and vile, and the fact that its discourse now to shame said interests is appalling. Concluding that combined with my experiences here, i feel unsafe.

***(TRIGGER WARNING)*** I dont talk about my personal life on here that much cause I dont see the need too nor do i think its anyone's business. Paired with the fact that the people i have trusted personal information with have used it against me, I will be preventing myself from opening that door. Besides that for now, I have sparsely shared I've been assaulted before. This is my first time really opening up about this and i kind of find it necessary now. Coming from someone who has been a victim of assault and CP by people my age and well over, writing nsfw has been the only way where I could feel comfortable with sex in general. I won't get into details because mentioning this is triggering already and can make people uncomfortable. It feels like anywhere I go, I'm constantly putting myself in a position to be abused. The same people who told me I didn't have to worry about my age and be judged for it, exposed the minimum comfort of keeping myself private online to demonize, judge and hurt me. People call me "extra" for being distraught about my face and age being posted because they think im trying to be sneaky which isn't the case. Its the principle that they KNEW I wasnt ready to share said things, and coming from someone who is inherently a private and closed person, she knew damn well what she was doing when posting screenshots of me on Tumblr. There is no excuse for it. The same writers who write dub/non-con can BARELY understand basic consent and its fucking terrifying. This site was the only other place I could cope without being criticized. To see people who some i was close to proudly lie on my name, (adults) say that i sent them pornographic content without their consent is so very hurtful. To watch people supposedly be victims and then use their own trauma to invalidate my own was so fucking humiliating, disgusting and nerve wracking. Although I knew I made the terrible decision to interact with stories, I have never initiated any NSFW discussion with anyone in DMs unless they did it with me first and a few times -- and trust me raise your hand I'll show you the proof. I was sure that everyone I talked to regularly knew that I was a minor, and to my general consensus, people were under the impression I was 15/16 (which I was and am).***

Whether it be victim blaming from the grooming discourse, I've been met with racism, harassment towards my friends, people wanting me to harm myself and be assaulted. I fear what will happen when i will turn 18, if the harassment will escalate and what not. A big part of me is that I'm still here anyways because it pisses people off and I don't care when I receive hate. I can take it but I don't want it. A good conscious of me knows that I should be doing what's best for me but at the end I'm still attached to my ego-self with the added fact that I sincerely enjoy interacting with my followers and posting stories.

I just don't know how the options look. I'll probably be updating my blog rules as of right now. I've been writing more sfw lately because of this and it'd be nice if you guys supported those until I properly decide. I still have plenty of requests of a bunch of characters (mostly Bakugo and Dabi) and original stuff (all sfw & nsfw) that I really wanna share with you guys. But I just ask that what I do modify that you will respect it like you would to any other writer on here.

Stay safe, keep your mask on, and thank you.

[la5t-res0rt]

fun fact fucko no one cares that he’s trans, gnc, or autistic. all they care about is that he said someone wasn’t bisexual all because they hate them. thats fucked up no matter who you are. being austistic isn’t an excuse to be an utter dick hole.

alrighty folks strap in because we are in for a long one today

to start off i will begin by saying that i care about the identities of people i like and call friends i care enough to listen and learn from them because they have different perspectives on issues that i as a person who is none of the things that this person is will ever understand

it is important to listen to people and learn from them not just shine a light out of your ass for someone out of a weird place of blind worship thats honestly so cringey but that isnt what this is about this about you and likely others harassing ad sending death threats my friend and comrade betel bitches

i will now be going under a readmore to spare the dashboard

so lets recap what exactly is he being harassed for

as you all are no doubt aware there is a blog called nether receipts where a certain user we shall not name catalogs instances where members of the beetlejuice fandom are harassed correction its a blog where this person catalogs instances where flaws in their character as well as the characters of the people around her are highlighted and critiqued with the occaisional off color remark and threat which i obviously do not approve of who would

anyway following reading some ill-informed and not-so-well-phrased comments from a certain narcissistic user about their sexuality my friend had this to say

this was the post that got them put on this receipts blog which really exists as a source of people for a certain cluster of the beetlebabe fandom to harass and try to drag or cancel 

this is the post that has made people call him biphobic and here is why thats wrong and stupid

you said in your ask that he only is saying that this icky person is not bisexual because there is malice between them and while yes its true that there is malice orion never once said that this person wasnt bisexual

i took the liberty of sifting through the harassment asks he received yesterday because you all love receipts so much i took the liberty of grabbing a few and adding some highlights so you dont miss the important bits

orion never once said this person isnt bisexual he stated that equating doing femme on femme  pornography to bisexuality is a biphobic statement and is in fact a problematic thing to say

there may be crossover between bisexual people and people who do femme on femme but they are far from the same thing doing pornography is a choice you actively make and you do it for compensation however being bisexual is simply part of who you are it is something you dont choose 

although this person would perhaps disagree

and before you come for me this person posted these for the world to see and obviously i have as many receipts as my drive can carry furthermore how does this argument make sense why would you care so much about heterophobia if youre not heterosexual why are you so pressed oh wait is it perhaps

because this person is using the split attraction model for woke points like this screams that this person sees women as sex objects or perhaps this person is comphet and is denying themselves because heteronormativity is so deeply ingrained in their being that they wish to cling to heterosexuality to keep up their squeaky clean white feminist woman persona or maybe theyre just not well informed on lgbt+ issues

editors note the editor is an ace person who considers using the split attraction model is situations like this isnt exactly helpful like i cant stop you from doing it but you shouldnt have to say im a bisexual heteromantic person you can just be a  bisexual woman and keep dating men you dating men doesnt erase your bisexuality saying that you would have sex with a woman but not romantically be involved with them makes the editor think woman = sex object and as a feminist the editor has to say thats fucked up

i will reiterate implying that doing pronography of any kind is equitable to a human sexualty is harmful to bisexual people and if youre like uhhh im bi and i think its okay guess what you do not speak for every single bi person so you should try harder to be compassionate for other peoples level of comfort

in any case statements like these are hurtful to bi people equating voluntary sex work to a sexuality isnt okay and its something that person should maybe address and consider apologizing for but since this person only listens to people in their inner circle and they dont even really listen to them its unlikely that this person will ever make amends for past biphobic tendencies because as everyone has been so quick to point out being bi doesnt excuse biphobia or homophobia or anything of the sort editors note heterophobia is not a legitimate issue im sorry if you feel oppressed for your straightness but really thats a you issue 

here is one more screenshot where my friend basically covers what i have just said as well as reminding the world that the owner of nether receipts is a narcissist 

being a bisexual person does not excuse you from saying biphobic things and there is literally no identifier you can use for yourself that exempts you from criticism for your actions and it doesnt mean that people cant demand that you address the wrongs youve done or said

you dont have to listen you dont have to do anything but dont be surprised if you say something shitty to a group of people and they get mad at you

also all that being said what orion said was not biphobic if anything he is raephobic but lets be honest who isnt ok there thats my one funny haha for you

we have every right to criticize someone who creates simulated cp and shares it with minors in 18+ servers or someone who equated bisexuality to voluntary sex work or someone who accuses people who disagree with them of being fascists or nazis or someone who goes out of their way to repost and edit art in a mocking manner or someone who actively claims to own a fandom like these are all critique worthy behaviors that all come from the same person who never explains their actions never holds themselves accountable for the shit they cause like we as people who share the same space as this person have every write to call bull roar when we see it

it is no secret that i dislike his person and it is also no secret that i will not hesitate to the the opportunity to drag them for being a shitty person whenever the opportunity arises and since their most recent beef with me was about how i was a bad friend i guess i figured this would be a good time to come forward for one of my friends who received dozens of harassment messages and several death threats over his commentary on the actions of this one vile individual

and i am addressing them now if they ever end up reading this or when it is inevitably sent to this person 

if youve got a problem with the way he and i or other antis critique you maybe come out from behind your wall of dipshit cronies and talk to us your damn self i am very sick of having to deal with nasti or morgan or that one minor or suz or that person that runs the rp blog or any of the others in your little hoard im tired of them trying to be slick like we see you we see all of you

all of your simulated cp aside youve said some really shitty things that you could easily amend since youve likely learned more about what it means to be lgbt+ since it is now a community you see yourself being a part of 

part of being human is learning from your past and making a better version of yourself for tomorrow and although i think you are a really awful person i dont think youre above self betterment and self reflection and self awareness 

also you dont seem to care at all when threats are being tossed around by your buddies but no matter how much me or orion or any of the others dislike what you do no person in their right mind would be okay with sending death threats and you shouldnt either you should at the very least extend that courtesy 

anyway

fuck you asker youre full of trash garbage and i hope you have a not so good day like i hope it rains or something invalidate my friends identity and ill yell at clouds

[mollydollyjournals]

Its Thursday 1st July and I hit post limit so all I can do is update this post

I just want to drink til i pass out

9:46pm - oh when did i post this? Doesnt matter i guess. It really annoys me that the daily post limit applies to all blogs you have. I have 2 and i follow a lot of NSF- stuff so i have so much in my queue for my other blog, and i tend to post more immediately for that so i dont end up with a massive backlog, but thaats when i hit the limit. Whatever it is. I basically just wish i could set the queue to post more often when i have more there. Just post every 15mins or whatever and it'd go through quicker without me having to do it myself

Idk it doesnt matter i guess. Im still just venting all my bullshit here that i cant put anywhere else. But now is when i need it. I want interaction and company but i dont want to bother anyone and I dont know what to do with it. I dont have it in me to try to be a person right now. Tumblr is for messy. At least thats how i do.

But once you hit post limit it apparently doesnt even let you delete stuff to post anything else. I havent been here in years really so i totally forgot. Plus it could have been different anyway. Idk. Guess i will just drink until i disintegrate or something

10:20pm - it just makes me feel worse. I know theres a reason for post limit and its not the end of the world. Just it doesnt reset til 5am and I'll be asleep by then which means for the rest of today i cant actually say anything, and that kinda fucks with my derealisation/depersonalisation/whatever it is. I need acknowledgement to feel real. I need people to remind me that i exist. Even just a little. Its stupid and insecure but i do. Everything is worse since covid and being stuck in a house with someone who barely acknowledges my existence. I feel like a ghost. I feel netter at least a little temporarily if someone just sees and acknowledges me. And currently i can't do anything about that. Nobody is going to go to my page(s) and see whats up, its not that kind of thing. Even if it was they still wouldnt. I put on my other social media fucking ages ago that i was really struggling, then i disappeared, and it took days for it to get noticed at all. Then only 3 people acknowledged it. People have their own lives and there are algorithms etc so i cant be angry at them, but the end result is i still feel really alone.

I often feel like i want to just talk to people. Only a select few. Its not that i necessarily need to talk about "deep" stuff, but i need to know that i could if i needed to. Or if we just both happened to be in that mood at the same time. Like how i dont wanna talk about something totally innocent and generic with someone who turns out to be racist or whatever.

I dont know. Maybe i do need to talk some shit through right now. Doesnt matter either way. Ill most likely just be back to this post later to say more about how i dont really feel like being alive.

10:39pm - I hate that im like this. I dont know if its reasonable or not. I used to be someone who wantes so much space. I still dont feel like i want to always be around people. I must have some individuality somewhere. But i cant find it. Since the pandemic hit especially, it just highlighted everything ive been missing and trying to supplement. I need things to change. But i dont have a hope of doing so while i feel like this. Im so lost. Ive spent my life trying to be confident in myself and ive run my reserves dry. I so rarely get any help topping up. I fucking hate the whole Strong Black Woman trope. Im tired. Ive carried my family since I was 13 and romantic partners have expected me to carry them too. I need to be held and comforted. I need support. If nothing else i need to just be acknowledged. I dont feel like a person. Im invisible and inaudible so much of the time and apparently that only changes when someone wants to see or hear me. When do i get to be a person in my own right? When does someone actually see or hear me for who i am and care about my existence regardless of what it does for them

10:54pm - its the worst of my mental health, tbh, that i dont feel like its worth trying anything if its not going to be acknowledged and welcomed by anyone else. Existing included. I feel my worst and most suicidal when i cant have anyone remember that i exist. Because maybe i dont. Maybe people dont miss me or think of me unless theyre reminded for some specific reason. And i say these things because i want to be proved wrong but why would anyone.

I want to cut. I hate this stupid post limit. I could have at least distracted myself by reblogging stuff for a bit. Im still spiralling. I need a distraction and there isnt one and there wont be one and if i even get through tonight itll just be another reminder that in the end im alone

11:24pm - something feels particularly cruel about not being able to post here, even if i delete stuff. Its just an app sure but its the closest thing i have to therapy. I came back here specifically because i was struggling posting on my regular social media and having people not pay any attention. I thought id make a fresh anonymous account where i could vent and my shitty brain couldnt take it personally if nobody acknowledged it. Now i just have all that shit going round my head and nowhere to put it. Im right back where i started. Nobody will read this. If they do they wont care. If by some chance they did they'll be put off by me being so negative.

"One day someone will hug you so tight all tour broken pieces will fit back together" yeah sure. Whatever.

[darcyolsson]

okay i give up I've seen you talk about Solitaire for years on tumblr And I still don't know what it is Should I read it? Why should I read it?? Convince me, Im tired of not understanding thiiiings 👑

ok but remeber u asked for this

solitaire is alice oseman’s debut novel! it focuses on mental health, lgbt+ relationships, the internet, liveblogging yr sad feelings and things being funny because they’re true.

our story revolves around victoria “tori” spring, a very pessimistic teenager who is now in 6th form of an UK grammar school. her hobbies include:1. sleeping2. blogging3.one day, she sees a post it on a wall and basically, stuff escalates and now there’s a bunch of people pulling pranks on the school. she also meets this guy michael, who desperately wants to solve the mystery of who is behind solitaire and be her friend (???). so, tori, like a good main character,

.........literally just doesn’t care about any of this.

and then stuff happens! read to find out!

i personally really enjoyed solitaire because of uhh.,,.,. so many reasons:1. it’s portrayal of mental health issues and lgbt+ relationships as real things. nick and charlie’s relationship is very real and regarded as normal!! v refreshing + good2. the subversion of a lot of YA lit tropes!! also super refreshing and fun to read, especially when, like me, you are Done with clichés3. The Teenagers Actually Act And Talk Like Real Teenagers4. not exactly a part of the book, but the fact that the author is an absolute sweetheart??? ive sent alice so damn many asks over the years over on @chronicintrovert that im like, genuinely surprised she hasn’t blocked me yet. catch me logging the fuck on at 3 am to ask if michael will ever own a dog (the answer is yes a corgi). definitely helped me love these books even more bc u have SO much canon expansion which is something i personally live for

a bit of a disclaimer is that solitaire was written back in 2010, so it sometimes doesnt live up to todays #woke standards (as in, a very white cast) but its still better than.... literally 99.9% of YA lit out there. this isnt even a hyperbole???

also! i will Have to reccomend u alice’s other projects! - radio silence (book):  girl meets the creator behind her fave podcast. also uni stress and bad parents. - i was born for this (book):  trans band member & fangirl of said band’s paths accidentally intertwine. also internet friendships and regular friendships and sweet old people.- @heartstoppercomic (webcomic):  boy meets boy. also, dogs and shoes. this follows the love story of nick and charlie, two characters from solitaire.

all of alices projects feature a diverse cast, lgbt+ topics, mental heath issues and good old fashioned mental breakdowns. i would 100000000000% reccomend them to any human being, alive or dead (catch me reading iwbft in the afterlife)

anyway talks for coming to my ted talk

[alicezan-ncgred]

Bleeding Red

Preface: I’ve been bitching around the bush of this long enough. So, I’ve been really silent on a bunch of stuff that’s been eating me alive which has made me both inactive and unproductive. I’m going to get straight to the point, starting off with the TL:DR from my post on my main blog. Context: An anon asked me if I was alright because I hadn’t updated in a while.

TL:DR You probably didn’t ask this to hear about all the bad shit of my life so here’s the short of it. No, I’m not doing fine. I will try get next weeks post out on time and I’ll work on making up on the lost posts. Updates will return regularly, ‘ite.

Time for the thick and thin of it.

Insecurity and being shafted: I’m stoic, even at my worst I won’t say anything. I’ll push through regardless of my current condition and since I’ve gone years like this, it’s not hard for me to do. In my real life situation, I’m currently in a place of social isolation. This has lead to a somewhat near reliance on Tumblr to be my social outlet. This present many issues.

The main one is that I’m quite the isolationist. This has only been reinforced by many interactions throughout the entirely of my life. Because of this, I can’t say I’ve ever had anything really more than two friends at a time. While in a way this has helped me express myself so well through writing, it’s come at the cost of social skill. I don’t talk to anyone.

With this kind of issue you could easily imagine that the THREE PEOPLE (four now, but very limited) to ever directly talk ended up in a way shafting me. The first blocked and disconnected with me without warning or reason. At this point we’ve been talking to each for about a month and we hit it off very well and then one day, silence. Never heard from them again. That fucked me up hard when I finally realized what happened.

The second person left during the Tumblr P**n Purge. We were talking about how to contact each other on other platforms and then they stopped responding. I had already given contact to other platforms of which they pinged me in any way. Another person that I trusted massively on here just abandoned me and I’m still hurting from that. Wasn’t fair at all.

Then the third person was someone that I been following for a while. This person is actually the reason that I’ve been putting this off for so long. I don’t want them to see this post but they will. I got an ask from them that ultimately turned out to be misinformation. I said I wasn’t mad but I was. I was so fucking angry about it and I’m still kinda mad, but I didn’t want problems. I still don’t. I just didn’t want them to worry about it. This will come back later.

I try my best to be as inoffensive as possible. The problem with that is that much of the things I believe or enjoy are highly divisive. Hell, even my own identity can be seen as offence. I’m bisexual, non-binary (I’m currently still questioning this. I might actually be gender fluid but in the overall scheme, that’s worse than being non-binary), and nonreligious. I’m in a very religious area so you I’m still “in the closet” about much of this IRL. I though it would better online but with how much people are saying bisexuality doesn’t exist, or that non-binary isn’t a valid gender (or that being gender fluid make you insane and you should be locked up) and all the hate people who say they are this are getting, the very community that’s supposed to accept me, HATES me. I had a bi pride flag icon last year during Pride Month. I never doing that ever again. It was terrible.

I’m trying my best to come out of my shell like I said I would when I made this blog but it seems I’m just crawling further into it. People I think I can trust keep setting me up to fall, people I know in real life won’t ever accept my existence if they knew who I really was, and my own mental health problem and self loathing are eating me alive. But that isn’t the total of it.

Crumbling Pillar: I’ve always ended up in the position where things were thrown onto me. In which no one wanted to do, I was stuck with. Because of this not only do I have a severe distaste being around my family (beyond everything mentioned before hand) but I grew to have a negative out look on everything. This effect is still quite obvious in my writings, especially my poems. Out of the 14 poems on my poem blog @washed-soul​, only one has a happy meaning.

The one happy poem was called dreams. Under a metaphor it talks about how a demon kept me trapped in a dark space. I start to get better and nearly break free before I have a negative relapse back to my old ways. The poems ends with the demon putting a end to itself leaving the nightmare in which it was keeping me in to slowly fade away, letting one crack of light peeking through to become a window to a door until one day I walk free. When writing this poem, I never thought I would find myself rebuilding the nightmare but that’s where I am.

I’m done with holding things together that other people have placed onto me. Because of this, issues have began showing in my private life. Issues that should’ve been solved decades ago are only now being addressed. This change in the status quo of my life has caused many issues in my productive and mood. Between everything else I’m too tired to do anything.

Is that a reason, is that an excuse. No it isn’t but it’s the best thing I got as a reason. I’m doing my damnedest to do the best I can but of course, when it comes to the thing that matter I just fall short. Big fucking whopha my intelligence and capability does me if I can’t use it for anything that means a damn.

Meaningless Triviality: I’m a very emotional person. I’m very strongly bound to my emotions and if everything above hasn’t given it away, my emotions are very negative prone. But it just doesn’t stop there, it goes back into my memories. I can only honestly place 3 happy memories for certain that aren’t either A) a dream or B) me escaping reality through my mind. Besides that, almost all my memories are negative. 

People like to throw around the word Nihilist to describe themselves because today's culture is very, god while I hate to use this word, edgy. For those who don’t know a Nihilist is someone who views the world as being completely  meaningless and reject all religious and moral principles. I very truly struggle with this outlook of life. It’s a daily for me to berate myself saying “just kill yourself” or “I want to die” or just shutting down and crumpling up while say “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” over and over again. Hell, I did that while writing this. 

I take things very hard, even the slightest transgression. I’m so used to trying to make things perfect and because people have the image that I’m the smart one, the mature one, the capable one, I’m left with the over hanging expectation of excellence. Almost no room for margin of error or being human. Since I’m the silent type, I put up no challenge and work to meet it. Only time I get any praise for anything too. 

I guess as a little self promotion to my main blog, for those that have read the very first few updates of my main blog @the-truth-behind-redacted, or read Defiance’s character sheet, while The Machine and Defiance are separate character, they both share the name Machine. That in part is a reflect of said above expectation. How ravenous and inhuman it can be all under the guise of something human. Those characters are the two sides to the same coin. 

Remember how I said I try to be un-problematical and how I try to avoid any potential conflict. In the first segment I told on how I lied about my feelings just so another person didn’t have to worry over something that honestly, in hindsight, wasn’t even really a big deal. But I also said how it consumed me in anger. I just don’t want to bother anyone over anything. It’s part of the reason why I am writing this post, as some way of a self enforced rehab program to get better. 

This absolute consumption of negative emotion has pushed me into a non human state before. I hit a point of absolute mental exhaustion and in such a self enforced bubble of actual hatred I became completely apathetic. I felt numb to everything. I watched and heard of terrible things happening to people, and felt nothing. I watched people lives crumble before them leaving them nowhere to go and LAUGHED. “Just another worthless pathetic worm on this rotting carcass of a planet being hit with the hard reality that life doesn’t care for them. What whimsical pathetic bullshit they deluded themselves with to think otherwise.” This isn’t an exaggeration on how I thought, this is what I actually thought. Which brings me too.

The Mandatory Sob Story: Roll your eyes everyone and get the tiny violin. I guess in order for everyone to exactly understand the place I’m coming from when it comes to mental health I’ll have to detail my experiences. I have a long standing history with mental illness. I have professionally diagnosed OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, and visual and auditory hallucinations. I take 600 mg of Seroquel a day as well as Amitriptyline when needed. I’m also still currently in therapy to deal with said OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, the visual and auditory hallucinations, as well as Suicidal thoughts, and my Nihilism. There’s a reason to why I’m so god damn familiar with mental illness and treatment plans.  

OCD and Bipolarism run in my family on my fathers side. My Father’s Father had them, my Sister has them, my brother most likely has them (however he refuses to see a doctor because he uses said possible mental illnesses as a get out of jail free card. He doesn’t want to be treated and he has FUCKING ADMITTED IT), my father has them, and I have them. I, however, have the misfortune of having it real bad. I said yes to well over half of all the total symptoms when I was being tested (I don’t remember exact numbers but I remember there being three pages worth of common symptoms) which was very worrying to the doctor. I was currently in an inpatient hospitalization program at the time for both suicidal thoughts and actions, and severe depression. 

On that, my graze in with suicide. Before I went into my first inpatient program I was contemplating suicide. I was sat in front of a mirror with a bottle of over the counter medication. It was an unopened bottle of ibuprofen, 1000 200mg tables. What I planed to do was down the whole bottle with benadryl and die in my sleep. I had the small box of benadryl got from the Kroger pharmacy and a hand full of ibuprofen poured out looking directly into the mirror. My suicide note was sitting on the desk on my room with an online copy on my laptop open.

I sat there for an hour in the dead of midnight complicating my life. I had lost all hope in the world, filled with hatred, anger, pain, and despair. I had no god or after life to look forward too, part way hoping that a Hell existed for me to burn in. I hated myself that much. I was close to taking the first handful before before I caught a glimpse of my own eyes in the mirror. In what was in a weird sudden epiphany I realized that I truly did become what I hated but not for any reason I told myself. I became the very bastion of negativity I sought to fight and rid of in what little friends I did have. That was what set off my path to recovery in spite of the medical system. I guess if people care I’ll make a separate post on that. 

Before I move on, I feel I should explain my history with the visual and auditory hallucinations. It should be no surprise that with everything else above, I also had extreme paranoia that led to me having very bad insomnia. Insomnia is, just like most other medical disorders like Depression, Self-harm, Anxiety, OCD,  Bipolarism, is romanticized to hell. Insomnia isn’t having one nights bad sleep where you got 5 hours of sleep instead of 8.

You know what Insomnia is? insomnia is being physical incapable of sleeping despite not sleeping in 2 to 3 day while your body suffers massive agony brought on by this. Muscle spasms and seizing, difficulty breathing, your eyes feeling like fire ants are eating them, and of course visual and auditory hallucinations. Now I already had issues with visual and auditory hallucinations even when I could get sleep regularly but the combined effects of my OCD and Bipolarism made this perfect condition of Insomnia, Anxiety, Paranoia, with the already added in disposition to hallucinations and I felt like I was actually losing my mind. 

My hallucinations presented themselves in three forms. Disassociation of reality, night terrors, or alterations of reality. Disassociation of reality often were complete black out moments. I would lose any perceived connect to reality and enter an episode of my mind. I can’t remember what they actually were but I do remember what it felt like. Cold sweats, anxiety to point where if I didn’t lock up I would vomit, actual physical pain, mind numbing fear, and intense fatigue. 

The second were night terrors often in the form of horrific “things.” I do remember these and most of them were as best as I could describe, forms of things that were vaguely human and formations of industrial machinery. The most vivid one I remember was of a long lengthy apparition that was for the most part human but many locations of it’s impossible physiology were rebar beams and mechanical sockets. It began when I was about to fall asleep and it was next to my window. The thing was making week groaning and gasping sounds before it violently slammed against my window breaking it then letting out a horrific howl that I can’t describe as it tossed itself out followed shorty after with the sound of bones breaking against the dirt. 

Now that might not seem so bad, exspecally with everything that is in horror movies or games now, but keep in mind that was fucking real to me. It was as real as the clicking of the keys of my keyboard as I’m writing this. As real as the chair I’m sitting in and as real as the wall in front of me. As far as my mind was concerned that thing, what ever it was, actually existed. It took me physical touching my window to make sure it wasn’t actually broken and checking outside to see if there wasn’t a body there. This isn’t the type of thing I talk about lightly. 

Finally there is the alteration of reality. This is very simply but it’s something that fucked with me hard. For very little meaning or warning, I would have trouble interpreting the world around me. My hearing and sight would be warped and there wasn’t any real way to tell what I was hearing or seeing was real or not until the episode was over. The way I got through these was the ultimate fake it till you make it. Obviously, very often I failed and this created issue in my schooling. 

Ending Message: I’ve been in a very bad state for a while now and as it is now, no signs of getting better. I also strongly believe my medications are being to fail me which I’ve been telling my doctor and therapist for over a year now but nothing’s been done. Mainly it’s my Depression but insomnia episodes are beginning and my own paranoia been on the rise. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look at a creepy image or thumbnail without having a very bad episode. 

I’ve managed to eat something today which was nice but my body is cramping hard. And to possible stave of a possible comment, I’m biologically male. Like I said I’m not in the best head space, or living for that matter. If this gets better, only time will tell. 

[princess-of-embarrassment]

Some 3 am realizations about life, relationships and maybe more?? idk whatever have fun.

Ok before i start on this shit I am going to say it is 3 am and i am just dumping some thoughts like i usually do. Sorry for the shit grammar, disorganized thoughts and all that jazz... In a sense i feel like this is a letter to myself and what i have been trying so damn hard to understand so yeah i am talking to myself and to this website. I think. Idk. i will probably delete this in the morning when i am back on bad bitch mode and go back to posting memes pero por ahora vamos a ver como nos va. Mayb ei will leave it up bc i forget or because i dont care who sees it. sorry for the shitshow of a post you are about to read but you probably already kinda know me so yay! I debated posting this shit because the internet is a wildin place but oh well!!1!!11

ok tumblr it is 3 in the morning and i have 100% regressed into being a 15 years old on this damn website shitposting and reblogging some corny ass posts but it feels right, so here i am attempting to process it through the only form i know how to actually know how to cope with things. I mean memes are cool and all but lets be real, they don’t address the problems. this is the one place i can brain dump all of my thoughts and not really care about where they go because they will eventually disappear in the tumblr algorithm.

My old blog was often the only separation I had between my reality and the life i really wished i had, but now I have that life that I always wanted so why the hell am i back at square one? To be fair, the life that i have right now may not be envied by many but its a pretty darn good life to me. Im safe 99.9% of the time. The other .1% is a story for another day. I have been trying to figure out for months as to why i’m back to being so active on here and now that it’s 3:00am I realize it’s because of self isolation (thanks corona!). 

Let me start off by saying this; my reality is not something I am going to be able to escape. Ever. It has brought me to where i am today, allowed me to meet some really incredible people and i am so so grateful. I have learned so much in the past few years. i am grateful what happened happened. Wild, i know. I escaped it physically but i cannot escape it mentally, at least for now. School, work, writing, dealing with my freshmen’s problems was what kept my brain occupied and away from having to face the part of my life that I really just want to forget. To be fait my trauma response has taken pretty good care of fucking up my memory and all of those fun things but ironically the things i want to forget about so badly are the things i think about every single day without skipping a beat. brains are weird like that.

I am ok now but sometimes i forget and fall back into my new reality. That is ok. People that know my story ask me why i don’t write about it on a public platform because it’s inspiring?? or hopeful?? or whatever cliche people want to use when addressing a topic that makes them uncomfortable and they want to feel better about the life they live. 21 year old latina girl faces adversity and lives the american dream (barely)..i mean, i did run a whole ass magazine and wrote a piece for graduation including some details of my story but that was like the rated g version with only the little sad parts that people are able to handle without feeling like their comfort zone is being violated. MEdia is a wonderful place isnt it???  so i get where they are coming from, but what they dont understand is that an international platform is not where i can share any of these thoughts... Listen, I know this is cryptic and confusing and you are probably really curious about what the hell happened to me but i don’t feel safe to type it out on international platforms with public access. I don’t know if i ever will... Yeah i can talk to people i trust about it because i am in control of the space and the situation and who is obtaining that information but you never really know with the internet. 

maybe in the future i’ll write a book on it. even then i will probably use my alias make it a YA fiction with an added love story that ends in a happy ending. Maybe one day one of the school girl crushes I have will turn into that YA story and i dont have to make any of it up.

If i am honest...this blog is the only safe place i will probably ever have where he wont find me. He can find my school and my address and phone number and work and everything in between because that is just the way things work. Yeah yeah i get it stop posting shit on social media that is how he finds you whatever. What people dont understand is that I cant stop living my life again. I already started so i cant go back to giving him that power. It makes no sense. Also, his family is too confused by all of the ups and downs of the last year that they dont really know where i am going or what i am doing. So anyways, long story short - That’s why i am back on here, because it has become the same written safe haven I had when i was 15 and tried to escape my physical reality. Only difference is that i am trying to manage the mental reality of it all...

I also have so many questions about what to do next. Like i mentioned in another post, i didnt think i would make it to 21 but i did. I didnt think this far ahead so i guess i will just figure it out along the way but hear me out. How do i face a new reality that no one can relate to. At least not the people around me. How do i make friends and know when the “right time” is to tell them hey btw if this happens lmk lol. Even more importantly (because it relates to my future as world famous YA novelist.. lol sure grace...) How do I even date someone??? many questions are tied to that. like... I know theyre going to ask. “what happened?” “who is it?” “how can i help?” “Isnt there something we can do?”. i am more than willing to answer these questions because fuck, if im dating someone i would be curious too.. but do i even answer those questions. How do i know they are ready to handle that kind of information? how can i guarantee theyre not going to leave. How can i know that they arent going to be frightened by what has happened. how do i know they are not going to think differently of me. How do i explain to this person “yeah i have stress nightmares about what happened and when i wake up i think i am back in that situation and not where i live and i have to remind myself i am in a whole different area code but then its fine lol so if we share a bed at any point in time dont be alarmed if i wake up in a panic.” or how do i explain to them when something triggers me and all i can do is freeze because maybe it is him. Maybe he finally found me. but then i am back to reality and move on with my day because that is the only thing left to do. I cant throw myself a shitty pity party thats generic as fuck and i dont have time for it but whatever. moving on. next question. How do i know theyre not gonna walk away because they have the misconception so many people have?? Just because i went through some shit doesnt mean i am unstable or unloveable or whatever bs people think. This isnt going to go away. This shit is a aprt of me but it doesn not define me. it is not who i am.I dont have the option to make it go away but people have the option to pick up their things and go. seems unfair to me sometimes. It seems unfair to generalize people like that. I am always open to a new relationship but people expect me to be sitting at home scared to go out into the world and live my life. I have a life to live and i am so ready to explore it by myself or with someone by my side but quarantine has brought me back on here to deal with the fact that i am back to being stuck inside. Mentally and physically. One sucks less than the other. 

I have so many other questions but i am feeling tired again and its almost 4am so maybe i should go to bed. Y’all dont know how happy i am to have this trash site to vent to in the middle of the night. theres some relly judgy people on here but at least i know my feed wont judge me or try to fix what has happened. it will just listen.

Anyways, i doubt anyone will read this because this post got long as fuck but if you did i give you a high five and a virtual hug for getting through the clusterfuck of sentences. Thanks tumblr. If i ever go viral again on this shitshow of a website i may have to bring back my studyblr and go underground lmfao jk maybe. I cant wait to hug my friends and the people i have met that have become a part of my daily routine (yes even during social isolation, get off my ass I am still socially isolating). All i can do for now is wait for someone who cares about me for me and isn’t scared of my past or the pieces of it that linger in my present. I deserve nothing less. if they cant do that they are not worth my time and i hope they drop their keys every single time they go to open their front door. oh... they also better be ready for the hours i spend typing away my thoughts on my computer. Maybe one day they will be allowed to read them too... lol maybe not. whatever who knows. Peace out kiddos stay healthy xoxo.

[asomeonenamedjey]

can you answer all 150 in like a master post, you can take all the time you want, but honestly, I love knowing all that I can about my friends and people answering asks is like, my kink, so pls jey

 LETS DO THIS (under the cut)

1.Who was the last person you held hands with? my friend ellie

2. Are you outgoing or shy? shy

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? it would be nice to see my pal @imametaphwhore​

4. Are you easy to get along with? i guess so?

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? idk most likely my friends 

6. What kind of people are you attracted to? feminine boys when it comes to looks and pursinalety wise i tend to find myself attracted to ppl who seem ultra anxious

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? lmao no

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? ...no one really atleast not in a romantic sence

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? not really tbh

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? my friend ellie...but it wasnt that

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? “what do you wanna eat that isnt pizza”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? the entire wintergatan and detektivbyran albums

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? i liked it when it was long but ppl cant really do it anymore since its short but i love it so so much

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? miracles? no luck..sure

15. What good thing happened this summer? i got out of a toxic friendship and i grew as a purson

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? ...i think i kissed my mom a few weeks ago

17. Do you think there is life on other planets? yeah but not in the green human like thing with big black eyes sort of way

18. Do you still talk to your first crush? never had one

19. Do you like bubble baths? hell no

20. Do you like your neighbors? tbh i have no clue if i even have neighbors...

21. What are you bad habits? i actually tend to be really mean to others as a way to take out my anger in myself rather than properly managing self hatred and stuff..idk i know its bad and i want to stop =/

22. Where would you like to travel? germany!

23. Do you have trust issues? no but it takes me a long long time to warm up to someone

24. Favorite part of your daily routine? getting to watch wintergatan videos

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? idk tbh i actually dont mind my body much, i mean yeah it would be nice to look more masculen but i dont hate my body

26. What do you do when you wake up? to my desk where my computer is

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? darker

28. Who are you most comfortable around? aside from family? idk i recently got really confterble with my pals ellie its been a while since ive gotten so close to someone 

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? again i never dated anyone

30. Do you ever want to get married? not really

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail? a tiny tiny one near the top

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? ....idk im not really attracted to anyone in that sort of way

33. Spell your name with your chin. ujew7yu

34. Do you play sports? What sports? no..

35. Would you rather live without TV or music? without TV

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? never liked anyone period

37. What do you say during awkward silences? nothing...

38. Describe your dream girl/guy? dont have one... jessie eisenberg is pretty though

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? tbh i really like looking around in toy stores...

40. What do you want to do after high school? im not sure i might make music i might do more art i might become a doctor..im not sure

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? yes but if you fuck it up you deserve nothing

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? im not too loud in the first place but im probubly overwelmed

43. Do you smile at strangers? no

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? yes

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? wintergatan..

46. What are you paranoid about? that ppl just think im gross are only talk to me out of pitty

47. Have you ever been high? no but my sister has lmao

48. Have you ever been drunk? no but my sister has lmao

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? yeah

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? navy green

51. Ever wished you were someone else? quite a few times acttually haha

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? i wish i was cis

53. Favourite makeup brand? dont like makeup

54. Favourite store? ...hot topic..i dont buy clothes from there though

55. Favourite blog? star-nebula

56. Favourite colour? desatuated blues and reds i hate greens, yellows, and oranges

57. Favourite food? spaghetti+bread

58. Last thing you ate? mashed potatos and potato salad

59. First thing you ate this morning? 3 hashbrowns

60. Ever won a competition? For what? rythmic gysnastics

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? no..

62. Been arrested? For what? stepping on my dogs foot...he yelped and i turned myself in

63. Ever been in love? no

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? never had one

65. Are you hungry right now? i just ate mashed potatos and potato salad

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? alot of my real friends are also my tumblr friends

67. Facebook or Twitter? hate both

68. Twitter or Tumblr? tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now? no

70. Names of your bestfriends? ellie emily and maka

71. Craving something? What? nothing

72. What colour are your towels? green

72. How many pillows do you sleep with? 2 body pillows and 1 small square one

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? no there annoying

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? 3 but all of them are smol and on my shelf

75. Favourite animal? i like whales

76. What colour is your underwear? dark green

77. Chocolate or Vanilla? vanilla

78. Favourite ice cream flavour? green tea

79. What colour shirt are you wearing? black

80. What colour pants? grey

81. Favourite tv show? none atm

82. Favourite movie? why stop now

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? heathers

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? none

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? dont like the movie

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? dory

87. First person you talked to today? my mom

88. Last person you talked to today? my mom

89. Name a person you hate? fuckin ethan

90. Name a person you love? emily maka ellie charlie

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? no im chill

92. In a fight with someone? no im chill

93. How many sweatpants do you have? like 4

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? 3

95. Last movie you watched? hethers

96. Favourite actress? dont have one

97. Favourite actor? as i said i like jesse eisenberg alot

98. Do you tan a lot? no

99. Have any pets? 2 betta fish and an old dog i love them

100. How are you feeling? good alittle tired and a little bitter sweet

101. Do you type fast? i think so?

102. Do you regret anything from your past? toxic friendship i was in

103. Can you spell well? lmao no

104. Do you miss anyone from your past? my uncle sam, he’s gone now though

105. Ever been to a bonfire party? yeah

106. Ever broken someone’s heart? probubly

107. Have you ever been on a horse? yeah her name was penelope

108. What should you be doing? studying german

109. Is something irritating you right now? idk im tired of most humans atm

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? ive wanted physical affection from someone so bad it hurt but nothing romantic

111. Do you have trust issues? no not really

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? my friend grechen i think

113. What was your childhood nickname? birth name..nothing speacial

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? oh yeah 100%

115. Do you play the Wii? not anymore but i have one

116. Are you listening to music right now? yeah

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? sorta

118. Do you like Chinese food? yeah

119. Favourite book? idk

120. Are you afraid of the dark? no but sometimes my imaganation gets the best of me

121. Are you mean? yes and i dont like it

122. Is cheating ever okay? no not ever

123. Can you keep white shoes clean? i cant keep black shoes clean take a lucky guess

124. Do you believe in love at first sight? no

125. Do you believe in true love? no

126. Are you currently bored? not really

127. What makes you happy? music art wintergatan

128. Would you change your name? already did (not officaly but whatever)

129. What your zodiac sign? leo

130. Do you like subway? its alright

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? tell them im not into them and see what happens

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? i think i already answered this

133. Favourite lyrics right now? none right now

134. Can you count to one million? anyone can if they have the time

135. Dumbest lie you ever told? “i didnt kick that kid” I WAS 6 OK SHUT UP

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? closed

137. How tall are you? 5′3 i think

138. Curly or Straight hair? straight

139. Brunette or Blonde? brunette

140. Summer or Winter? fall

141. Night or Day? night

142. Favourite month? dont have one april i guess

143. Are you a vegetarian? no

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? milk

145. Tea or Coffee? tea

146. Was today a good day? yeah

147. Mars or Snickers? snickers

148. What’s your favourite quote? “Talent is totally overrated patience and hard work is all you need”

149. Do you believe in ghosts? no

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line “my death-wound fron the side whence i expecten no ill, and be safe on that where i looked for most danger”

[vakna-vera-hugsa]

fucking whatever i guess

anyway ive stopped emitting tears so i guess the emotions are like over now or whatever so they are all going under this readmore and like. no one reads this blog so it doesnt matter but i Do have to post it here rather than to my ‘’’’’secret’’’’ sideblag because maybe then someone will Pay Attention To Me

yknow, i fucking miss fanfiction. but youre all a bunch of fucking creeps so i cant hang out in your spaces anymore. and its stupid to complain bout it because i am obvifuckingously not the people most harmed so why the fuck am i complaining about being the most minor collateral in history but like fucking whatever i guess no one will read this so no one will care.

anyway i have 68 followers rn so like. almost reached a number that will engender a voice in my head saying literally ‘tee hee hee’ and a separate voice/screen for the summoning of fucking sv imagery i guess? like fucking whatever i guess. time to edit the formatting or fucking whatever i guess.

the overwhelming feeling of my t(w)een years of 'SOMETHING IS VERY WRONG; I NEED HELP' - i wish so deeply i could have known about being autistic or nd or trans or any of it i wish i could have been told there were so many things wrong in the world instead of everyone acting like all of this is normal/natural/fine i spent so much time feeling strange and 'on the outside' and Weird feeling 'i am missing something' but having no idea what i feel such a sadness! for the things that version of me couldve had if only e'd known how long i spent wanting help but being incapable of asking for it (and trying to ask for help can still bring me to tears today !) how long i spent thinking i was this uniquely bizarre creature apart from everyone else, and that i of course must never let anyone know this how old was i when i stopped enjoying life because i cant remember at this point. five years since i effectively died and im still fucking here in the same pit, but now its got some fucking curtains or whatever, great whats the point of anything ill always be in this pit i cant even fucking see the sides stop asking me to claw my way up them i wanted therapy when i was thirteen because i felt so deeply there was something wrong but i couldn’t couldn’t couldn’t say so, so it all just fucking festered i don’t know why, i can’t remember how it felt to be thirteen, a decade ago is nearly half my life its a stupid reminisence maybe but cocamp at whatever age it was.. the hairdresser guy, he was so instrumental it feels so stupid and it felt so stupid to ask for but hair ‘cut like a boys’ that was monumental.

god but i found that camp so. intensely good and bad. it was a fucking lot.

school fucking sucked. i still hold so much anger for that place. for how difficult everything was and how much it harmed me.

and the stupidest thing is probably the only reason im feeling like this rn is ‘no one payed enough attention to me today and i cant just fucking ASK someone to talk to me thats so stupid childish needy girly’ pause. what the fuck is that ‘girly’.

i honestly just hate existing so much there really is no reason to continue at this point. i dont enjoy anything ill never get my FUCKING SURGERY even if i got more therapy itd be a waste of fucking time just like what ive had before

and in therapy i cant talk at all about a massive fucking (ha ha.) issue because it upset me that fucking badly! the issue being ~sexuality~ and the massive effect the internet’s depictions of it had/have on me like i literally cannot have any kind of sexual thought or feeling that isnt part of this fucking mess and i feel so STUPID FOR IT EFFECTING ME LIKE CMON WHAT KIND OF WEAK CHILD ARE YOU TO BE SO EFFECTED BY THESE THINGS i am so tired

i   a  m   s  o   t  i  r  e  d

[musingsatharvardsteps]

So i dont know why exactly i am writing this post, but here it goes anyway. I did not want to go to the movie with those two, but i guess it happened for a good reason. I am sad and therefore serious again. I needed this. Theres too much to do in the next 5-6 days and even though i am not wasting a lot of time each day, at the end of the day, it always feels like i havent achieved anything. I mean, for instance, today i made a very short and easy-to-do list. Yet barely 2 things have been scratched off it despite having only 1 class in the whole day. And then there’s this feeling i keep on getting that something bad is about to happen. And more often than not, it ends up happening. Something bad, I mean. And I havent talked to my sister in quite a few days now and theres always this crushing sense that i will never amount to anything always lurking over my shoulder. and i just feel like crying. Its almost 2 am and im swatting mosquitoes on harvard steps, afraid to go to my room in fear of encountering people, typing what in my head feels like a suicide note. But i know it isnt one. I have to keep on living to pay off the debt. Will I ever? someday, yes, but i fear it will be doing what i wont enjoy doing. I dodn’t think i enjoy doing finance or can do finance, and i dont think i will be able to do marketing or gen man. There wont be anything ill ever enjoy doing, i think. but i have to do something. Its as if in my head i have established that i cannot be happy and so i push away happiness that might have come my way. I envy people who have ambition or something to look forward to the next day. Those for whom each passing day is a step closer to something they want  to do. For me each next day is just a new set of blocked hours on the calendar not amounting to much i guess. I am too tired at this time to dot the I’s and cross the T’s. which is why this post doesnt have proper capitalisation or apostrophes. I am trying to type without looking but its taking too long and i am enjoying typing and i dont want to stop but my laptop is about to run out of battery. Its 2:00 am and the silenced ‘Fuck’ in my chemical romance song is bothering me. this post didn’t start out as a the first post of a new blog, but i guess looking at the moon on cloudless humid night killing mosquitoes changes things. Maybe this blog will be more than just random ramblings. maybe this will be poetic. maybe i will write this not thinking someone will read this and find me a truly ingenious tortured soul. Probably it won’t be any of these things but i hope writing this might be my road to betterment. The sadness is now gone and so has the seriousness i guess but i am still enjoying this silent pitter-patter of keys. Maybe another post now.