#disablist language or fucking whatever i guess

[vakna-vera-hugsa]

fucking whatever i guess

anyway ive stopped emitting tears so i guess the emotions are like over now or whatever so they are all going under this readmore and like. no one reads this blog so it doesnt matter but i Do have to post it here rather than to my ‘���’’’secret’’’’ sideblag because maybe then someone will Pay Attention To Me

yknow, i fucking miss fanfiction. but youre all a bunch of fucking creeps so i cant hang out in your spaces anymore. and its stupid to complain bout it because i am obvifuckingously not the people most harmed so why the fuck am i complaining about being the most minor collateral in history but like fucking whatever i guess no one will read this so no one will care.

anyway i have 68 followers rn so like. almost reached a number that will engender a voice in my head saying literally ‘tee hee hee’ and a separate voice/screen for the summoning of fucking sv imagery i guess? like fucking whatever i guess. time to edit the formatting or fucking whatever i guess.

the overwhelming feeling of my t(w)een years of 'SOMETHING IS VERY WRONG; I NEED HELP' - i wish so deeply i could have known about being autistic or nd or trans or any of it i wish i could have been told there were so many things wrong in the world instead of everyone acting like all of this is normal/natural/fine i spent so much time feeling strange and 'on the outside' and Weird feeling 'i am missing something' but having no idea what i feel such a sadness! for the things that version of me couldve had if only e'd known how long i spent wanting help but being incapable of asking for it (and trying to ask for help can still bring me to tears today !) how long i spent thinking i was this uniquely bizarre creature apart from everyone else, and that i of course must never let anyone know this how old was i when i stopped enjoying life because i cant remember at this point. five years since i effectively died and im still fucking here in the same pit, but now its got some fucking curtains or whatever, great whats the point of anything ill always be in this pit i cant even fucking see the sides stop asking me to claw my way up them i wanted therapy when i was thirteen because i felt so deeply there was something wrong but i couldn’t couldn’t couldn’t say so, so it all just fucking festered i don’t know why, i can’t remember how it felt to be thirteen, a decade ago is nearly half my life its a stupid reminisence maybe but cocamp at whatever age it was.. the hairdresser guy, he was so instrumental it feels so stupid and it felt so stupid to ask for but hair ‘cut like a boys’ that was monumental.

god but i found that camp so. intensely good and bad. it was a fucking lot.

school fucking sucked. i still hold so much anger for that place. for how difficult everything was and how much it harmed me.

and the stupidest thing is probably the only reason im feeling like this rn is ‘no one payed enough attention to me today and i cant just fucking ASK someone to talk to me thats so stupid childish needy girly’ pause. what the fuck is that ‘girly’.

i honestly just hate existing so much there really is no reason to continue at this point. i dont enjoy anything ill never get my FUCKING SURGERY even if i got more therapy itd be a waste of fucking time just like what ive had before

and in therapy i cant talk at all about a massive fucking (ha ha.) issue because it upset me that fucking badly! the issue being ~sexuality~ and the massive effect the internet’s depictions of it had/have on me like i literally cannot have any kind of sexual thought or feeling that isnt part of this fucking mess and i feel so STUPID FOR IT EFFECTING ME LIKE CMON WHAT KIND OF WEAK CHILD ARE YOU TO BE SO EFFECTED BY THESE THINGS i am so tired

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