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ironunderstands · 8 months ago

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The CN voiceline is weird because direct translation of it sounds way kinder, something along the lines of “focus on yourself instead of me, I don’t need your concern” but the in context translation sounds different, more like the (admittedly too harsh) ENs “keep to yourself and spare me the false sense of concern”. I had a conversation about this on another post and there’s a lot of layers to this party voiceline so honestly I’d suggest reading it. Ratio is a complicated guy and what he says and what he means don’t often align, especially because EN Ratio is significantly more angry and mean sounding than any other version, even if he is candid in all of them.

If I had to boil it down I’d say his party voiceline for Aventurine is a genuine sense of concern mixed with their usual banter.

The “false sense of concern” part is what got done dirtiest in my opinion, as from that conversation I gleaned that it was really meant to be a teasing concern, aka Aven’s usual shenanigans in attempting to push Ratios buttons, and Ratio calling it out for what it is and telling him to pay attention to himself, which is both a) usual Ratio acting cold to brush what Aven says off and b) hidden “you should take care of yourself” because Ratio is the biggest goddamn Tsundere on the planet.

However out of context and with the ENs diabolical voice direction (Ratios VA himself said he wanted to sound nicer but they wouldn’t let him in an interview apparently 😭), all of that nuance is lost and the meaning of it feels more like “get the fuck away from me you lying cunt and mind your damn business”

Completely removing the implicit care in the voiceline. Also, a lot of Ratios voicelines have double meanings, like the one about his true appearance; which refers not only to his face, but also to his real personality.

Because guess what? Ratio only acts rude because he believes people learn best when left alone to figure stuff out for their own, and that they only truly can comprehend knowledge when they are forced to figure it out for themselves. That doesn’t mean he leaves them to rot though, oh no no, he’s called Doctor Ratio for a reason, and even he views observation as a treatment he will “reveal his true self” dropping both the alabaster head and the pretenses to help his patient.

However, Ratio says he often finds revealing his true self to be detrimental, probably because a) people really do learn better when on their own and b) this man has the people skills of a person raised in the woods.

And this is why his relationship with Aventurine is so damn complicated, he doesn’t wear the alabaster head, literally showing his true self to him (Ratio also puts the head on when dealing with fools, signaling he does not see Aven as one of them), however since Aventurine could probably see right through him anyways, Ratio deflects and deflects and deflects, dropping his literal mask but not his metaphorical one.

This also complicated by the fact that Sunday has been watching both of them for the entirety of their stay on Penacony, and Ratio really needs to sell the idea that he hates Aventurine to Sunday, so I don’t think it’s unreasonable to suggest he’s acting way meaner than usual. Especially since Aventurine and Ratio seem to have already established this banter dynamic pre-penacony, I mean the Final Victor lightcone takes place before it and the vibes seemed sim

However, Aventurine seemed genuinely upset at some of the stuff Ratio said to him, both because this man has an inferiority complex large enough to engulf the sun and because Ratio was being meaner than usual, and since he pretty much never lets his guard down (Aven even asks him where the bust is, meaning he’s probably worn it in front of Aven before, literally putting walls up between them), even if it’s part of the plan his behavior has still gotta hurt for Aven.

The only time we see him able to be truly honest with Aventurine is via the note, where he doesn’t have to act, or worry about Aventurine cracking his carefully built walls.

So what does Ratio wish say to Aventurine? The advice he offered to him, urging him to use it when he was on his last legs?

“Survive this, stay alive and keep on living”

(CN translation)

The way some of yall mischaracterize Ratio as being stoic in chill when in reality he is 24/7 resisting the urge to rip everyone around him a new one is crazy to me like. He cares so much, so much. It’s unhealthy, he loses the idgaf war every time because Ratio is the least nonchalant person ever like

He was this close to breaking character and throttling Sunday like you cannot tell me he wasn’t planning a murder in this scene. Ratio straight up calls Sunday a crazy bitch but everyone brushed it aside 😭

Honestly his entire conversation with Screwllum is just him tweaking, watch it on YouTube the VAs performance is amazing, you can here just how much He Cares

Genuinely, Aventurine is way better at concealing his true feelings that Ratio. Ratio may be acting for the sake of the plan but the way he truly feels about anything he’s doing always seeps through, it’s why he apologizes to Aventurine in 2.0 in their staged argument scene. It’s why he is as mean to Sunday as he can be. It’s why him pretending that he “hates” Aventurine makes him act so silly. Ratio can’t fully commit to the bit, he can’t force himself to not care or to be someone he isn’t, because fundamentally Ratio CARES and that is something he is incapable of hiding, alabaster bust or not.

The problem is that him expressing his care is often done in a rude and/or blunt manner which people tend to interpret as stoicism or apathy when it’s anything but. Ratio’s vial that he gives to Aventurine is short, sweet and gets straight to the point, because that’s the easiest way for Ratio to express his emotions, even if it’s often detrimental for him and anyone else around him. However Aventurine understands him quite well, and knows that although brief, Ratio telling him to “stay alive, survive this and keep on living” is how he truly feels towards Aventurine, and that’s enough to keep him going.

Underneath Ratios carefully crafted marble facade is a man who cares so much and is so bad at expressing it and I wish the community in general, especially Aventio shippers would acknowledge that more. Ratios true moments of sincerity are brief, but they are anything but stoic. Let the man be soft, it’s in character.

#Aventurine #dr ratio #aventio #raturine #oops this turned into a yap session #i wanna talk more about his “true self” voiceline more #If I were to encompass his character in one voiceline it would be that one #also even if he said it in a mean way he asked Aventurine to tell him if he couldn’t hold on anymore #this is why I hate when people mischaracterize ratio as uncaring because he’s mean #He is only mean because he CARES

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lfthinker · 10 months ago

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1 and 16!!

Have you pulled inspiration from media sources other than the property your fic is related to (a plot point from a TV show that has nothing to do with the characters/setting of the fic, a line from a book, etc.)? If so, for which story? Why did you find that media source compelling?

Oh God yes, lol. The chief places I rip off are Victor Hugo (The contrast between Ed and Hugo Strange/Quincy Sharp? What makes a monster and what makes a man? That’s Disney Hunchback) and A Song of Ice and Fire. The latter’s really going to crop up soon in two key listings: ‘promise me’ and ‘I am your son. I have always been your son.’ Ellen’s going to say the latter line (obviously daughter instead of son) as a response to a request someone makes of her to walk away from the situation and save herself. She can’t walk away. She’s the Riddler’s daughter. She always was and she always will be. There’s no going back for her after that.

I actually took a lot of inspiration from ASOIAF for my big fic, because I really did love how rich and complex the character work was. Pity the show turned to garbage and we’ll never get the book ending.

Is there a commonly held misconception about one of your stories that you’d like to correct for the masses?

I don’t know if it’s really commonly held or not, but Jason’s mentoring of Ellen is not really a good thing. Yeah, he does care about her, but he’s misleading her on some very big things and he’s actively trying to drive a wedge between her and the Batfam. Granted, Bruce’s actions haven’t and won’t be helping much, but Jason is also 100% willing to sabotage her relationship with Stephanie if given a chance and he absolutely does not want her to be friendly with Cass. He doesn’t have a great reason for that.

#fic asks #this is so long winded lol #thank you!

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coastmoor · 2 years ago

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auntiebogwitch · 2 years ago

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The Heretic’s Psalms:

How to Use the Bible behind God’s Back

Hello, my little abominations! Hope this finds you well! I’ve been thinking as a witch who has her hand in many pots (i.e. devotee of Lucifer and Hekate, a huge love for Hellenism/Hellenismos, working with some folk saints, steeped in southern folk practices/traditions, having a complicated relationship with religion/Catholicism, etc.) It sometimes seems like my craft is (as my mother lovingly refers to me) “a menagerie of conundrums.”

I’ve used the psalms a lot in my practice. I love how effective they are, how beautifully they convey emotion, and also how ✨❤️‍🔥😫dramatic😫❤️‍🔥✨ they are. The fact that they’ve been used for thousands of years makes a lot of sense. However— as someone who is trans, queer, anti-capitalist, and vehemently against the church, it’s hypocrisy, and it’s numerous crimes against humanity that continues to this day—it’s hard not to feel like I’m going completely against what I’m preaching when I’m reciting psalm 91 and repeating “praise the Lord, He is my refuge…” or something to that effect. It’s been complex and awkward at times, but introspection is the Devil’s muse! (…just go with it)

Here are some of the ways I’ve shifted my thinking/praxis:

Using first person pronouns (I, me, my, etc.) in place of references to the Christian god. Very Luciferian, no? Hail thyself and all that good stuff. This can be tricky at times cause some prayers have sayings like “O God of my ancestors/of Abraham…” “Almighty Lord of Israel” and so on. It can feel kind of awkward if you’re declaring yourself the Almighty God of a country or of your ancestors (unless your ego is the size of the Hindenburg); so I omit those parts personally, but I don’t really use this method often anyway so *shrug*

Exchange the Christian god for another deity This has its problems for the above reasons as well; Hekate was not the goddess of Israel, Abraham, or who my ancestors prayed to, and to refer to her as such would be very historically inaccurate. You could use it like “O Almighty Goddess of Thessaly…” or whatever respective region your deity presided over. Again, I don’t use this method much personally cause it would be time consuming and feels awkward to me.

Change little to nothing, and shift your thinking to “I’m praying to my Holy Daemon instead of God” This is the method I use; it’s effective, simple, and requires very little to no revision of the original text. But this requires some context. The tldr of it is the Holy Daemon/Godself is the part of your soul that is the intermediary between the rest of you and the gods/holy dead. For more info read Etheric Anatomy by Victor Anderson (this can be extremely hard to find as it’s out of print) or any other book on the Feri tradition. When you pray to Godself/Holy Daemon, you are praying to the most divine aspects of yourself to intercess on your behalf. It’s much like praying to a Saint: you pray to them and they petition God for you; but in this context the Saint is “you.”

“Why not just use different prayers or make up your own?! Isn’t this complicated and takes more time and effort just to use this one book of the Bible?!?” —you ask as I plug my ears and make toddler noises, declaring that you are not my real dad. That’s not the point, you sweet little couillon, you. When you wanna work with both hands, shit can get complicated. In that sense, sometimes your methods do too!

Be well, y’all. Au revoir! Bon beni!

#witch #witchcraft #hekate #lucifer #luciferianism #hellenic worship #luciferian #psalms

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googledocsdyke · 4 years ago

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Do you have any thoughts/recommended texts for Cas analysis? I genuinely love the dean gender studies and I just wanna know what people might apply to Cas.

yes absolutely!! while dean studies is my first love i also deeply love cas analysis (casnalysis?) and wanna strive to do more of it. here’s some stuff off the top of my head:

1. gender, sexuality, heavenly embodiment

this is much more theological and less psychological than dean’s whole Deal because there’s so much fascinating stuff around how the angels in general experience express and conceptualise gender (@autisticandroids has a good post about angel gender & lily sunder has some regrets) but for cas in particular there’s this fascinating kind of collective fandom agreement (which i DO also agree with) that cas’ own gender kind of is gay man, that he actively chose gay manhood, but also that he’s kind of..... lacking the Insane Genderishness that dean exhibits at all times, even though he actively chose to engage in male gendering and became so comfortable housed Within Jimmy that he, as some post i saw the other day that i can’t find anymore said, “became his own body” when jimmy died.

like on the one hand there’s an almost-canonical transness to the whole process but it also never feels fully written-into because 1) the supernatural writers for all their insanity are sometimes very boring and *most* of the time only feel interested in narratively expressing angels As Their Vessels anyways and just like leaving convenient spaces around these questions (boldest thing they ever did was hot girl cas which i WISH i had the range to unpack) 2) there’s a vague inevitabilist shrug to the whole thing since they obviously weren’t gonna recast misha collins (though they HAVE tried to get rid of him) and 3) something amorphous about cas’ entire..... personhood? makes him Empty Of Gender as a contrast to dean’s Full Of Gender (i believe it was @deanwinchestergender who said this) and like is it just the juxtaposition to dean/jensen’s whole insane Deal? or something else?

like he actively chooses the terms of his own embodiment and yet narratively it feels like a shrug. and we’re all like “well obviously even though he’s a celestial being he was always a gay man” and like WHY. i love it idk idk much to think about! and yeah just in general the theological questions of possession and cas genuinely Becoming a man as he iterates himself consciously towards humanity it almost feels like. by doing the most boring things possible with his gender they made it interesting? idk if that makes sense.

2. discipline, free will, metanarratives

cas is like a tool (“i am not a hammer, as you say”) held in constant discipline and surveillance by the system that enmeshes him and it’s really, really fascinating to watch the way the angels hold each other to conformity. especially pre-god they kind of produce each other as foucauldian disciplinary subjects (which i posted about here) in perpetual visibility through angel radio, generating their own and each other’s conformity rather than being directly ruled through like a single centralised source of power. only the spectre of a god. and obviously cas’ whole thing is that he has ALWAYS disobeyed and the narrative affords him this psychological interiority never given to the foucauldian subject, an internal will and desire for freedom in a way that fits more with the liberal subject (super roughly and not with the same pro-capitalist implications but he has this internal drive for self-liberation.

and that’s also where the metanarrative comes in ofc! i think it was @dykecas who said that cas is a real person written by people who hate him, and there’s this crack in the narrative (mirroring the crack in his chassis) where cas gets in, over and over, despite all the order imposed by the show’s authorfathergod. like we’ve all seen the analysis about how it was Never supposed to be this way they DID try to fire misha collins in 2012 and yet this gay man literally cannot be stopped! i think actually his appearance in scoobynatural is a neat little distillation of this — he drops into this animated world originally with a singular purpose (Save Sam And Dean) the same way he dropped into lazarus rising with a single 3-episode arc (Save Dean). huge hammer behaviour. his “utility” diminishes within the narrative (he finds that he can’t fly in the scooby doo universe) and so he is no longer a tool/means to an end that salvation moves Through. and in the process (and huge creds to @lesbianyuugi for this) he does something ENTIRELY unrelated to his original cas-as-tool aim, and learns, like, the meaning of laughter from shaggy and scooby. WHICH brings me onto the third point

3. love, queer kinship, family-making

HE’S GAY AND HE’S A DAD! i feel like a lot of tumblr throws around the term “found family” in a very flat and tropey way (which is fine it’s cute and fun no matter what!) but like . GOD there’s so much specific stuff going on here. like the way that cas (unintentionally) obliterates the midwestern white christian nuclear family (made incarnate in the novaks) which like could be uniformly portrayed as an act of deep malice and villainy but instead grows to serve as a surrogate (if imperfect/complex, but DEEPLY loving) father figure for the gay daughter who has now escaped that nuclear family/seen it destroyed depending on how you read it? like he remasters the entire concept of fatherhood and it’s a very interesting (if DEEPLY) unintentional subversion of the homewrecking non-nuclear gay trope. cas is so good because his character arc doesn’t say “look, gay people can be normal and have perfect settled families just like you” it says “gay people DON’T have normal settled families actually and they are full of love anyways! or Because of the abnormalcy itself!)

to cite ziz lesbianyuugi again he DOES queer fatherhood in his parenting of jack particularly because it really is one of the ONLY parent-child relationships in the show that breaks the incessant cycle of abuse and control and cold indifference perpetuated by the authorfathergod (a cycle reified in 15x20 lol). like god’s treatment of cas and his siblings mirrors john’s treatment of sam and dean (particularly dean) mirrors victor’s treatment of krissy and her crew mirrors dean’s later treatment of jack. there is a CONSTANT reiteration of the story of authorfathergod (often a father tightly entwined in biological kinship) treating a child as a mechanism or a tool or a means to an end. and cas looks at ALL that he has suffered and all that he is ever known and chooses constantly to reject it with every piece of love he expresses for his child. and not to sound like the kind of academic people make fun of on twitter but there is an INHERENT queerness to that. gay love will pierce through [the veil of death/the thick silence of abuse/the mechanism of godly control/hegemonic american masculinity] and save the day

anyways here are some very haphazard recs on everything above for further reading:

angels in america (tony kushner)

histrionics of the pulpit: trans tonalities of religious enthusiasm

the public universal friend: religious enthusiasm in revolutionary america

discipline and punish (michel foucault)

friendship as a way of life (michel foucault)

the genesis of blame (recommended by @pietacastiel who has GREAT theology content in general

all about love (bell hooks)

the chapter “when hated characters talk back” in anti-fandom: dislike and hate in the digital age (is actually explicitly about cas)

also cannot recommend enough following the ppl i tagged above!! most of the unlinked stuff is available through http://libgen.li/ and bookshop is a good alternative to amazon if ur american and want physical copies

#thank you so much for this ask it was a delight to answer #spn #casnalysis #making a tag officially #gendernatural #long post

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backofthebookshelf · 4 years ago

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That post I reblogged earlier reminded me that I need to yell about how much I adore Jon Archivist Sims not just as an asexual character but as an asexual horror narrator, because asexuality in horror is usually something that makes me cringe.

Not that there's much asexuality, as a sexual orientation, in horror; like everywhere else it's pretty rare to see it depicted at all. But there are tropes, and just like good writers often write neurodivergent characters without realizing it, they sometimes write asexual characters without realizing it, it's just that people think of sex as foundational to the human experience and therefore something universally meaningful to discuss in horror, and therefore deviations get...weird.

There's the "too busy/too good for relationships" trope that @bananonbinary mentioned, which Vivian Sobchak calls the "virginal astronaut" trope -- which derives from the horrible combined mess of "logic is masculine, emotion is feminine," "sex must be heterosexual and therefore a story with no women can't be about sex," and "sex and emotions are inextricable." Literally every one of those concepts can and should and has been deconstructed by queer horror, but it hasn't made them go away (particularly if, like me, you like 19th century ghost stories a lot).

But so much of horror is about the body, and so much of thinking about bodies is about sex. There's a whole sub-genre of plant horror - from Invasion of the Body Snatchers to Annihilation, not to mention that totally unnecessary scene in the first Evil Dead movie - and so much of that particular kind of body horror is about asexual reproduction. It's not just "what if there was no reason to have sex" but that the lack of a need for sex is the way you can tell that someone is no longer human.

There's also a whole thread of Frankenstein criticism that treats asexual reproduction as the central problem of the novel (which I think is dramatically missing the point) that I found massively triggering to stumble across. The whole reason Victor Frankenstein fails is because he won't have sex with a woman? Great, love to know that sexual relationships are the be-all and end-all of human success. (Again, not the point of the novel, if you haven't read Frankenstein please don't let this ruin it for you.)

Honestly, weirdly enough, I think the only time I don't find a character who's passively depicted as asexual in horror fiction to be alienating is...in Lovecraft stories. Horrific, I know, Lovecraft had every bigotry known to humanity turned up to twelve, except I suspect he actually was sex-repulsed and asexual and so the lack of sex or sexual relationships in his stories seem more like a natural consequence of it just not being something he cared about than as a way to prove that his characters were above messy human emotions or that they were somehow broken or less than human. Trust me, I loathe the fact that Lovecraft is apparently decent ace rep, but...there we are.

But to bring this back to TMA -- especially to start with, Jon is a horror narrator very much modeled on the 19th and early 20th century "researcher accidentally eaten by the thing he's researching" story form. (Not just Lovecraft, but Arthur Machen, Algernon Blackwood, Arthur Conan Doyle, M.R. James - TMA is named after an M.R. James story, even.) (Actually look at the assistants' surnames and that's a pretty good catalog of the inspirations; even Dracula is an epistolary novel featuring a narrator who's accidentally consumed by something he thought he was apart from, although asexual it is not.) And most of those narrators are asexual, of the "virginal astronaut" type, because of the tropes of the day (and because of the stereotypes of academics).

Then through the course of the series Jon becomes a more modern type of horror protagonist, turning into a monster himself, and the series begins to question heavily what it means to be human and where the lines between human and monster are drawn. And the longer this goes on, the more monstrous Jon becomes in his physical dependence on statements and his uncanny healing abilities and his literal return from the dead -- the more human he becomes, too, making better connections with people, reaching out to offer help or even just sympathy, prioritizing his relationships with other people over his own research or his need to not become a mystery.

And I think that's why his asexuality hits so good: the story prioritizes the emotional parts of human connections even while it's diving into the monstrous transformation stuff that so often uses lack of sexual interest as a shorthand to demonstrate that the person isn't fully human anymore. (And not even just romantic connections, although Jon and Martin's relationship is a lynchpin of the series; you've also got Jon repairing his relationship with Melanie, his complex relationship with Daisy, his ongoing struggle to relate to Basira.) TMA isn't just deconstructing what it means to be human, it's also completely removed sexuality from that calculation. There are lots of things that make a person more or less human, by a wide variety of definitions of "human," but sexuality is not one of them.

I'm not sure how much of this was intentional; I definitely assumed that the reason Jon was asexual was because of that tradition of cosmic horror and ghost story narrators, updated for a modern queer audience, and the comments Jonny has made in q&as and elsewhere seem to support that. But this is a great example of what happens when something is written thoughtfully and with care taken to consider implications, rather than defaulting to easy cultural shorthands. And it's also an illustration of the usefulness of queer as an umbrella term -- queer fiction by definition has to sidestep a lot of those cultural shorthands, and the more of those you can deconstruct, the more you're able to create something that includes everyone.

#the magnus archives #asexuality #horror #ace things #cw aphobia #tma spoilers

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onlyherefortheshowmances · 3 years ago

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So I saw someone else get an anon message that said: “I hate to admit this, but I really can't shake the feeling that Benji loves Victor more than Victor loves Benji at this point.” I wanted to respond as well, because I think this is something people are probably seeing a lot and I really want to explain how I’m looking at it (from personal experience and just from looking at and examining the characters).

CW/TW: Mental Health, suicidal ideation/action mention, Addiction, Emotional Trauma, sex mention, Predatory relationship mention, catholicism, homophobia, misunderstandings, lack of communication, spoilers for love victor seasons 1 & 2 [let me know if I missed anything please]

I want to be frank in saying that Benji is my favorite character and I project onto him a lot (along with seeing a lot of myself in him). I’m also white AF, so I’m sure some of you think that’s relevant, but I really don’t think it is in this particular case. I do also however identify with Victor in a number of ways and I am trying to see the characters both as complex individuals with deep personal histories. Both have suffered traumas and both are clearly dealing with a lot of their own shit on top of being sixteen/seventeen and dealing with junior year of high school and all the pressures and expectations that brings for everyone.

I think what people are interpreting at loving someone more/less is actually about prioritizing someone/a relationship more/less. In my mind, from what I see on screen and interpret, they both love each other beyond words. They are both very much in love with one another. It comes down to how they display that to each other and to the public as well as where on their list of priorities this relationship falls.

Let’s start with Victor, struggles and life:

He is dealing with internalized homophobia and associated thought-patterns stemming from his upbringing in the Catholic church as well from the vocalized homophobic remarks from his mother (toward himself and Benji as well as likely at other points in his life toward strangers), his father (stating that he hopes Adrian doesn’t turn out ‘like that’; the scene in S1 where they’re at the church in Texas and he calls the hairdresser ‘flojito’; etc.), and his grandparents (on his birthday and likely at other points in his life). As a result of this, Victor tried to make himself straight (or at least interested in a girl) by dating Mia because he did like her as a person and everyone was telling him that’s what he was supposed to do. He ended up hurting her and almost losing her friendship (temporarily, he did, but she does seem to have forgiven him now).

He is dealing with outside homophobia as well. That kid on the very first day he was Creekwood responding to Benji helping him up. Felix’s comment that same day of ‘you don’t want to give people the wrong idea.’ The basketball team/gym class guys roasting him about not hooking up with Mia on the ferris wheel. Felix saying he’d be crazy to not like Mia. Lake asking ‘are you gay or something’ when he brought Felix along to Mia’s house, etc., etc. Some of these things may seem innocent enough, but they weren’t. Not to Victor who was already struggling to accept even the possibility that he might be gay. Once he managed to come out to his parents, obviously his father got better fairly quickly, but Isabel continued to struggle for six months which put even more pressure on Victor to try to lead this double life. Once he came out at school, the whole fiasco with the basketball team also occurred and that was a lot for him, because Basketball as always his safe-space. It’s where he went to get away from all the other pressure. It was something he didn’t have to think about and now suddenly, he did. Those pressure are also affecting his ability to think about what he may want and it seems affecting his ability to think (at all sometimes) about how any of that is also affecting Benji. It’s affecting him so much that he’s basically blind to how it’s also affecting Benji to see him suffer. He doesn’t even consider that possibility until Felix brings up how hard it is for him the night Felix breaks up with Lake and Venji get caught having sex.

Victor also has struggles away from just his coming out and accepting himself journey. He has the struggles associated with his parents separation. Until fairly recently, Victor always thought his parents had a perfect relationship. He saw that as the ideal. Get together in High School, get married right away, stay together for ever, happily ever after. That’s what he was raised to expect. And now he’s seeing their relationship fall apart before his eyes. Hell, his devoutly Catholic mother had an affair, and he’s wondering if it’s really possible for your first love to be your only love especially after he and Benji start butting heads, so he’s already vulnerable to that viewpoint when Rahim brings up the possibility. He gets so lost in what’s happening to his parents and what Rahim is saying about it not usually working out that he forgets how in love he is and he sort of loses his will to fight for what he wants, because maybe it’s just doomed to fail anyway (until he sees Benji at the wedding and it sort of hits again - and then Felix’s speech thereafter, obviously). He kind of loses his way by getting caught up in the statistic improbability of your first love being the one and watching his parents’ marriage potentially fall apart and he wonders for a moment if it might be easier, if it might be better to just walk away and go toward Rahim who he seem to get along with and seems to understand the things Benji doesn’t about him, but what he fails to examine in that moment is that he’s only barely scratched the surface with Rahim and that Rahim doesn’t know him like Benji does and that every relationship has it’s ups and downs and what it always comes down to is how willing both parties are to work to make things right. How much you’re willing to step into the other person’s shoes and try to understand. In my opinion, even if he were to walk away from Benji and go to Rahim, that bubble of understanding isn’t going to last forever either. He’s failing to remember that when he got together with Benji (and for most of the summer it seems) that’s exactly what it was like and failing to remember that they have grown beyond that into a deep soul-altering love for one another that deserves his time, energy, and effort and NEEDS those things to keep it going.

Now let’s talk about Victor’s priorities in life:

Victor has always been close with his family, especially his mother. The strain on that relationship is very taxing on his mental well-being. He has a hard time ‘standing up to’ her or talking back to her, etc. because he loves her and he just wants their easy, close relationship back. He already overcame his own anger at her affair to get her back, but now she’s the one pulling away because of his sexuality and it’s hurting him because if he was able to forgive her for something that was actually wrong, why can’t she forgive him for something that he has no control over. So he loves his mother and his family and he hates disappointing them. He has spent most of his life fixing his family’s issues (as he explains to Simon in S1), but now he is the issue and he doesn’t know how to handle it. When in 2x1 he decides to just bring Benji over and try exposure therapy with his mom, it backfires in a big way. Even though they barely touch each other. Even though Benji just says the word boyfriend once, it’s too much for Isabel and Victor desperately wants to please. He desperately wants to not lose his mother (who has always been the person he is closest to), so that causes him to take a step back from going against her and the steps he still takes (telling her he wants her to call Benji his boyfriend not just his friend, the whole conversation outside the church, the conversation with Adrian, etc.) are things that Benji doesn’t get to see happening and it frustrated Victor that Benji won’t even listen to him when he tries to say that his mom is making progress at all, because she is so important to him and yet it seems like Benji just doesn’t even recognize or care about that. This leads him to say the thing he does at Brasstown before Benji runs out, because he assumes that it has to do with Benji being white and of course, that is part of it, but I think Victor in that moment is so overwhelmed by the rejection of his mother and now the refusal of his boyfriend to even try to understand that he snaps. He forgets all the struggles Benji has told him from his own past and he just lashes out which causes Benji to leave [more on Benji’s viewpoint of this whole thing later].

Victor also loves basketball. It’s true that in some case LGBTQIA+ individual participate in certain activities to make them seem more ‘normal’. Gay men participating in sports to seem more macho is a common one, so Benji thinking that’s why Victor plays basketball makes sense to an extend, but he never bothers to ask Victor about, only makes assumptions, and Victor feels like the fact that he actually likes sports makes him ‘not gay enough’ (see conversation with Andrew). What he’s forgetting entirely is his encounter with Bram and the gay basketball league in NYC from episode 1x8. There are many ways to be gay, and sports gays do exist and are perfectly valid. That’s not the type of gay Benji or his friends/bandmates are, but it is the type that Victor is and Benji failing to recognize that and failing to understand or even ask Victor about that drives one of many wrenches into their relationship. In episode 1x5 when Benji shows up to Victor’s first game back on the team and does the Go Grizzlies dance with the other basketball girlfriends, it definitely does a lot of help Victor realize this was just a miscommunication/misunderstanding rather than anything malicious. Basketball and his teammates continue to be a priority for him after this, but that seems to be something Benji is now capable of understanding.

Finally, Victor loves Benji. He wants to be with Benji; there is zero doubt about that. However, for Victor when he’s put on the spot (as in episode 2x8) and basically told he has to choose his mom (who has raised him and been his closest confidant and biggest supporter for his entire life) or his boyfriend (who he’s known for almost a year and been dating for six months and is helplessly in love with) it processes as an error message in his brain. He just wants everyone to get along. He’s not mad that Adrian knows that he’s gay (he’s wanted him to know for months), but he is upset that his mom is now even angrier. [see my section about Benji in this moment, for more about Isabel’s reactions as well] In his mind, telling Adrian could wait. In his mind, he was willing to go along with his mom’s requests for a while longer just to keep the peace so to speak. He didn’t want his whole life to fall apart and that’s what he thought was about to happen in that moment. That’s why he asked Benji to leave. He didn’t want to make his mom any angrier. Could he have chosen his words better? Yes. Could he have made Benji understand better? Yes. But he’s sixteen and his brain wasn’t functioning at full capacity because post-sex brain is definitely a thing and he was also looking at his mom who has already been horrible and barely able to look at him for six months, looking even angrier after he finally thought they’d made some progress after church the previous week.

So in conclusion, regarding Victor:

He loves his family (especially his mom). He loves Benji. He loves Basketball. Obviously, he’s not going to prioritize basketball over either of the human beings involved, but I think it’s important to at least note it’s importance in his life. As for Isabel vs. Benji. To Victor, these are the two most important people in his life. All he wants is to be able to love both of them and have both of them love him in return. When they are pit against each other, especially directly, it’s hard for him to make a choice. It’s hard for him to say ‘no’ to his mom and it’s hard for him to say ‘no’ to Benji, but in the moment (episode 2x8 specifically), he takes Isabel’s side, because he knows the ramifications of saying no to her and of making her even more angry that she already is are far worse than the ones for asking Benji to leave for the night. He failed to realize however, how close Benji already was to the edge and how upset he was going to be and how little he understood (or was willing to try to understand) about the situation. This is something he really needs to communicate with Benji (even though it’s not quite as important now that Isabel’s apparently come around). I think it’s important for Benji to understand that Victor values his relationship with his mother enough that it’s difficult for him to go against her without a lot of preparation and having a fully fledged reason, etc.

Now for Benji - Struggles and Life:

The obvious of course is that Benji is a sixteen/seventeen year old that’s barely a year sober and attending AA meetings regularly. Recovering from Alcoholism is difficult at any age let alone for a teenager. One of the most important factors in recovery is looking at the things that led you to drink in the first place. Looking at things that may be considered triggers and either learning to avoid those people/situations or learning healthy alternatives in those situations. I have multiple family members who are both actively drinking alcoholics as well as those in recovery. I also lost my best friend/ex-fiancé to alcoholism a few years ago, so to say I have some personal experience in this arena is putting it lightly. Benji admits to Victor in 1x7 that he used to drink a lot because he knew he was gay, but didn’t want to be. To me that whole story screamed, I’m an alcoholic and while a lot of others agreed with that opinion. I was not shocked that Victor didn’t understand that underlying truth. Those that don’t have intimate familiarity with alcoholism often do not recognize the signs (either as they happen when when they are not directly told). It is made clear in episodes 2x7 & 2x8 that Benji hates this part of himself, in fact he says as much to Victor when he arrives at his apartment late the night of his birthday. Benji has still not fully accepted that the alcoholic part of himself that attends AA meetings and drinks orange juice while his friends are drinking vodka is one and the same with the part of himself that loves Victor with all his heart. This is something I’d really like to see him reconcile and work on in season 3 and beyond. Understand that you can’t compartmentalize yourself. You are but one whole person and all facets of yourself are in fact part of the singular you. [Not accounting for those with dissociative identity disorder.] It’s not directly mentioned if he’s still struggling with urges to drink, but most if not all alcoholics do, especially when experiencing those aforementioned triggers. Seeing Benji meeting with his sponsor after the incident with Isabel/Victor is not shocking to me and if anything, that was the healthy and correct response on his part. The reason he was drinking in the first place was that he was gay and didn’t want to be (internalized and probably external homophobia) and he just experience some really intense homophobia at the hands of his boyfriend’s mom (and partially said boyfriend himself). Benji’s lack of understanding of where Isabel was coming from in episode 1x8 speaks volumes to just how traumatize Benji still is about his own experiences with homophobia. The only thing he can think about in that moment is that this woman hates me for being gay. She hates her son for being gay. Being gay isn’t okay, etc. What he doesn’t factor in is that Isabel is also devoutly Catholic. I honestly don’t think it’s the gay part of the sex that horrified her the most. The Catholic faith is also very clear on the practice of abstinence from sex (at all) prior to marriage. She would’ve responded the same way had she walked in on Victor having sex with a girl, in my opinion, but in the moment Benji’s own trauma is overriding his ability to understand that because all he can see is the homophobia. This is especially true after she calls him Victor’s friend rather than his boyfriend and that in my opinion, is why he snaps. Could he have phrased it better? Yes. Could he have said it without shouting? Yes. But he is a freshly seventeen-year-old whose brain is not functioning on all cylinders in that moment.

Sort of coupled with his alcoholism and recovery therefrom is the allusion his mother makes to ‘dark times’ following his accident. I do have suspicions that perhaps he was also struggling with mental illness, and likely continues to. Depression to the point of suicidal ideation or actions (possibly only in the form of drinking, but possibly in other forms as well). Anxiety is pretty obvious from his actions and reactions throughout the series as well. I also think he is dealing with some sort of trauma-based disorder stemming from the homophobia he experienced (especially the instance of his father taking him to strip-club). It may go as far as C-PTSD (which I myself am diagnosed with) or it maybe something less (or even more). I’m not in the habit of sticking mental health diagnoses of people (fictional or otherwise though). Dealing with these things on top of what in his eyes feels like rejection from not only Isabel, but in a way from Victor as well likely causes some very unpleasant thought patterns and the potential for thought spirals and the likely. I also see indications that he could suffer from co-dependency (whish I also have dealt with in the past), but I’m honestly not sure if that’s me projecting or if it’s actually there.

Then on top of all of that, his boyfriend who he loves more than anything in the world, tells his deepest darkest secret to someone he’s literally never met or spoken to and that said boyfriend has only known for maybe a week at best and thinks it’s no big deal. In that moment, I can 110% see why Benji requests to take a break and I feel that choice is 110% the right one to make. What is a relationship built on if not trust? Victor just destroyed most if not all of the trust Benji had in him. That doesn’t mean he stopped loving him, just that he doesn’t trust him. Love isn’t something you can turn off and on like a light switch especially not the kind these two share. I definitely think Victor has a lot of explaining to do and a lot of apologies to make. I do also think they both need to have a really long, really honest and open conversation. Benji needs to be willing to get a little vulnerable and explain why certain things are causing him so much distress, but he also needs to be willing to listen to Victor explain why he can’t simply go against his mother as Benji seems to think he should. They both really demonstrated a degree of selfishness this season along with an lack of communication and a lack of willingness to understand or even try to understand each other’s points of view and that is a recipe for disaster in any relationship.

There also exists the issue of Benji’s parents. His mother especially seems to overstep quite frequently and insert herself into his life where she was not invited or expected. I do wonder if this was always her personality or if this is something that started after Benji’s accident. I have a hunch it was likely the latter. I see indications that perhaps there was some neglect or just general indifference on his parents part as he was growing up. They clearly missed that he had started drinking heavily and that he stole his dad’s car that night. He was also evidently dating Derek for quite a while before the accident. (Derek is another section by himself though.) This not to mention the fact that his father took him to a strip club and paid for a lap dance when he was no more than sixteen if he was even that old, in an effort to turn him straight. Benji tells Victor in episode 1x7 that he and his dad used to be close and that they used to go to Dollywood on road trips and other such things, but that he’s been distant since he came out. We see from the scene where he walks in on Benji and Victor making out that he’s not vocally/outwardly homophobic, but I would not doubt that he still harbors some of those viewpoints in himself. It’s evident to me that Benji is not close to his parents (he may once have been, but at this point it’s pretty clear that he’s not anymore). Benji doesn’t have siblings to the best of our knowledge. It’s also mentioned that his nana (like a paternal grandmother) is deceased, so it’s really not clear how much contact he even has with his extended family or how much of one exists. For these reasons, in his mind, there is no circumstance where his family (especially not his parents) would take precedence of his own happiness or Victor’s. That is why it confuses/hurts/angers him that Victor doesn’t stand up to Isabel, because if the roles were reversed, he would have no problem at all telling his own mother (or father) off. He doesn’t seem to comprehend Victor’s need to keep his relationship with his mother intact. I’m very glad Isabel pointed out to him that Victor has stood up to her and risked their relationship for him, but the disconnect still lies in that Benji isn’t a fan of the fact that he didn't’ do that in his presence and that he didn’t do more.

Then there’s Derek. Derek is at least a sophomore in college in season 2 as he was clearly in college in season 1 as well. Meaning he is at least 19/20 when Benji is 16/17. They had been together for a year the previous spring (episode 1x6) which means they started dating when Benji was 15 and Derek was no younger than 18 (I think he is like at least a year older than the youngest possibility). Georgia’s age of consent is 16, and there are no ‘Romeo and Juliet’ laws in place in the state meaning it is categorically illegal for anyone 18 years of age or older to engage in sexual acts with anyone 15 years of age or younger unless they are legally wed, meaning until Benji’s 16th birthday, this relationship was illegal in general not to mention the predatory nature of someone in college dating a high school sophomore to begin with. They generally don’t prosecute if the people involved are within 4 years of each other though (which coincides with ‘Romeo and Juliet’ laws in other states) which they could’ve been within depending on Derek’s actual age and birthday. It doesn’t seem like charges were filed either way which is questionable on Benji’s parents part. Benji also tells Victor in 1x10 that Derek made him feel bad a lot of the time about the things he like and about being a romantic, we also see Derek crap all over Benji’s special anniversary date in 1x6. The toxicity of that relationship is sure to have left it’s mark on Benji and carried over into his new relationship with Victor. I also find it questionable that knowing that, Benji was shitting all over Victor’s love for basketball at one point (isn’t that exactly what he complained about Derek doing to him about his interests?), though as you see in my earlier comments, I do understand that perhaps Benji wasn't’ fully aware that Victor actually liked basketball and wasn’t just doing it to seem straight/make his dad happy/etc. I also think it’s quite confusing that Victor managed to come up with that date idea for Benji in 1x6 and then the best he could do for Benji’s birthday was champagne and sex? I’d be more than marginally hurt over that if I was Benji, to be completely fair. It is also worth it to note that Benji stayed with Derek for over a year despite all of their problems (which goes back to the possibility of co-dependency issues) and yet he was willing to break up with him just to chase after the possibility of Victor. They had already connected on so many levels even prior to that night that even the possibility of that relationship made Benji willing to leave someone he’d been with for more than a year (obviously Victor’s little speech in the hallway played a part in that).

Benji’s Priorities:

In Benji’s world, he has a few things that could be considered priorities.

Maintaining his sobriety is obviously one, but he keeps that separate from everything else. I don’t see it being held above or below anyone or anything. It’s just a completely separate thing to him (which again I feel he needs to reconcile). He was able to do that while also appeasing his friends and Victor (see episode 2x4 where he switches out his cups).

His music/band is obviously a priority, but again that’s something basic that everyone knows about and accepts. He doesn’t have choose between that and anything or anyone else that we’re shown.

Victor is his primary priority however. To him, that is the most important relationship/person in his life. He doesn’t know what he’d do without him. He says he loves that part of his life which I take to mean, he loves who he is when they’re together and not so much when they’re apart. To him, there is no question of who he would choose if there was a choice in front of him between Victor and literally anyone else (including his parents). That is why it confuses/hurts/angers him when the choice isn’t so simple for Victor when he actually has to make one between Benji and Isabel. Benji isn’t close with his parents and he doesn’t seem to understand what it is like for someone that is. Even if his parents didn’t come around right away. Even if they still may not be fully on board with everything, it didn't’ matter that much to him, because he could stand up to them because he didn’t care about destroying a relationship, because there already wasn’t much of one to begin with. This leads to him not understanding that Victor is seriously conflicted in the moments where he is made to choose between his boyfriend and his mother, because to Benji that choice is crystal clear. Again, they could really do with an honest conversation about this where Benji actually listens and tries to understand where Victor’s coming from, because right now, I think he just doesn’t quite get it. It’s clear that Isabel’s speech at Brasstown helped him to understand or at least start to, and obviously now that Isabel isn’t so much of an obstacle everything becomes a little easier, but it is still something that I really feel they need to discuss and understand about each other.

In conclusion:

Both of these boys need therapy (individual, family, and couples), and they would really benefit from a lot more open and honest communication where they both are able to speak honestly about their needs and desires as well as both being able to listen to and understand (or try to at least) one another.

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tsugarubecker · 4 years ago

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Rewatching Love, Victor season 2 and all I can think as I’m watching is that Benji is cooonstantly putting his own feelings aside and instead striving to put himself in Victor’s shoes and empathize with Victor. Victor, for his part, gladly takes that from Benji and then proceeds to fail to put himself in Benji’s shoes in return. (We’ll leave Benji’s issue with conflict avoidance/not stating what he wants aside for a second but we’ll get to that shortly.)

Long-ass post, prepare yourself :P

Example exchange: in ep 6 after Isabel is so nice to Rahim and Benji fails to be #stoked about it, Benji comes up to Victor at the coffee shop the next day and says something like hey, sorry I wasn’t supportive when you were so excited that your mom was being nice to Rahim. And Victor just goes thanks for saying so yeah she was really being nice to him and I think we made some real progress yesterday!

Like. Okay. rewind noises

Let’s do that whole exchange over again but in the way a healthy couple would, shall we?

Benji: Hey Victor. I’m sorry I wasn’t supportive yesterday when you were excited about your mom. I know you wanted me to be excited with you. Can I tell you a little bit about my own feelings around your mom?

Victor: of course you can.

Benji: Okay. To be honest, I feel really hurt when your mom gives me the cold shoulder. And that’s been something I’ve been dealing with for a while now. So, as much as I want to be supportive of you and excited for you when you see her seeming like she’s making some progress, it’s hard for me. Because it would hurt for me to get my hopes up that she’ll treat me better, only to be disappointed.

Victor: Damn. Wow. I’m so glad you told me how you feel about that. That makes a ton of sense. I would really like your support, because I love my mom and this whole thing with her is hard for me, but I understand now why it would be painful and complicated for you to get too excited. Now I get it. Thanks for telling me. I’ll keep that in mind when I bring it up to you from now on and we can navigate all of it together.

fast forward noises OOC cause I just wrote that as I thought about what I would say in a similar situation, but you get the idea.

Returning to Benji for a sec. I’m a cliiiiinically conflict avoidant person, and I recognize a lot of myself in Benji. He doesn’t want to take up space. He makes funny stories and jokes out of his trauma (strip club, crashing car into Wendys). He doesn’t stand up for himself even if he has a legitimate reason to be upset - he finds reasonable reasons to apologize for his part in the situation and tries to make amends. (Certainly not always a bad thing, just can definitely be a conflict avoidant thing.) I mean, we saw him behaving this way even in s1. Think about on their anniversary when Derek said “can we just go catch that show” and Benji said “you go ahead, I’ll catch up” instead of “hey, I know you don’t care about anniversaries but I do. This means a lot to me. I want to spend time together.”

So yeah, Benji has some serious issues with avoiding talking about his own feelings, standing up for himself, etc if it basically doesn’t “go with the flow” of what the other person is thinking or feeling. Conflict avoidant. He doesn’t want to rock the boat. I don’t know why, yet. I don’t think we as the audience know why at this point, but I hope the writers will get into it. Probably isn’t “because alcoholism” - rather, I think the alcoholism is another symptom of the same issue.

Victor, for his part (and I’ve touched on this in another post), probably has spent so much of his life being the fixer for his family that he kind of unconsciously latches on to people who will give him a break from that and take care of him (think Simon, for instance??? Lol). And he forgets that it’s not black or white, it’s not one or the other: care or be cared for. In a relationship it goes both ways. I really think he got this massive crush on Benji, put him on a pedestal, made him out to be perfect; almost saw him as kind of a savior. Someone who could come, sweep him up, and make everything okay. Fulfill all his fantasies. Victor doesn’t seem to see Benji as a real person yet. And he doesn’t seem to realize that he needs to proactively take care of Benji, not just let Benji keep taking care of him. That they need to meet each other halfway.

And speaking of avoidant people, Victor does seem to have a pattern with this behavior doesn’t he? Dates Mia -> not working out -> run to someone who is new and seems perfect. Dates Benji -> things are complicated and hard -> oh look a handsome boy who is wonderful in every way (runs to someone who is new and seems perfect) (and will fix all his problems). Boy needs to stop running off to the next person who’s gonna “fix all his problems”. He needs to invest in his current partner. He needs to invest in being the one to care about his partner, being the one to put in the effort. Not just being the one to be cared for. He needs to stop waiting for someone to come sweep him up and fix all his problems. It’s not realistic, Victor. Get yer shit together & learn how to be a better bf. For reals. Smh

That went off on a little tangent lol, but honestly, at the end of the day, none of this is really even either of these guys’ faults - yes Victor puts Benji on a pedestal and is just beginning to see him as a real person with complexity and flaws, but to be fair Benji basically did the same thing: put Victor on a pedestal. “I broke up with him. I just want to be with someone where I can be myself and that’s enough. That’s how you make me feel, Victor.” = a really similar pattern to what we’ve seen Victor do. Relationship failing, abandon ship for the shiny, new, and better-seeming option. I’m not saying that that’s always the wrong choice. I don’t think that it is. But I am saying that both Benji and Victor are experiencing something very natural: having big crushes, letting infatuation and rose-tinted glasses go to their head, and then experiencing whiplash when their partner isn’t perfect. Honestly I think we’ve all been there to some extent.

At least in s3, now that they’ve seen some low times and their rose-tinted glasses are off, they should get a chance to create a deeper bond if they choose to do that (I feel confident that they eventually will). Benji needs to own his conflict avoidance and start advocating for his wants, needs, and feelings. Victor needs to recognize that although Benji seemed like a dream boy and is way more experienced yada yada, he’s not there to save or take care of Victor - he’s just a person, who also needs to be taken care of sometimes, and Victor needs to meet him halfway in their relationship and do that for him. They need to be able to exchange care as equals.

There I fixed their whole relationship you’re welcome afhffjhgfgjfgjg

(…….oh god I just realized how the writers are gonna have Victor figure out that sometimes he needs to take care of Benji too, and it’s totally gonna be bc Benji relapses with alcohol. Probably. Sounds like a TV-show move, doesn’t it?)

#not me wondering if I’m gonna write a fix it fic for this convo now #oh dang I……. I might just #or actually I think I’m gonna write another scene from s2 but from Benji’s perspective….. hmmm. someone hold me to this #also am I processing the things I’m learning in therapy through these fictional characters? you bet your ass #venji #victor salazar #benji campbell #love victor spoilers #love victor #lv spoiler #love victor season 2 spoilers #love victor season 2 #love victor analysis

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witlessficcer · 3 years ago

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Intruder Alert

A/N: This fic is based on an ask by@multi-muse-transect. The ask was for a Peggy/Nat AU in which Natasha is taken in by Wong after he defeats Drykov. While she is studying as his apprentice, Nat sees Peggy working out. I have not seen The Black Widow. I hope this somewhat meets the request. Enjoy.

Natasha Romanoff still burned with the imprint of her former training. Her Master, Drykov was a viscous taskmaster and one whom distributed brutal punishment on those who did not meet his impossible standards. Nat did not fail, but she saw plenty who did, plenty who disappeared and were never seen or spoken of again. When Wong came to Red Room, many of the girls scattered, taking the opportunity to escape, if they had the nerve. Natasha watched. She watched as the General threw everything he had at Wong. But, the peaceful looking Asian was not an ordinary man. By some power that Natasha did not understand, Wong defeated Drykov.

When the battle was over, such as it was, the man looked at her intently. She returned his scrutiny with curiosity of her own. He approached her with open hands and smile with which the young assassin could find no fault. She was looking. Hard.

“Do you want to leave this place?” he asked, like he was order lunch. “I do not think there is anything left here for you.”

“I'm supposed to follow a strange man though a glowing golden portal and hope it all turns out well for me?” Natasha answered, coldly.

“Better than a Russian Gulag or being hunted like a dog for the sake of deniability,” the Asian answered, softly, but directly.

“If we get along,” the redhead offered. “And, I'm not saying we will. I want you to teach me what you were doing. The golden patterns were...beautiful. The power in them is obviously strong.”

“It is possible that this could be done. If we get along. As you know, students get the grunt work. Are you prepared to keep working? I promise that learning form me will be nothing like this place.”

“Let's go,” Natasha said, ready to leave with the clothes on her back. “There is nothing here for me.

She watched as the portly man seemed to spin a web of light, which opened into a larger circle and showed an empty alley on the other side. Without a glance toward her, he walked through.

She stood still; considering he empty alley, the oddly content man, and potential to learning a power beyond her understanding.

“Are you coming?” he asked from the other side of the portal. His hands clasped behind his back. “The window will close momentarily.”

“Who are you?” Natasha asked, her heart rate rising.

“My name is Wong.”

“Who are you, really?” she pressed. “You will find out soon enough. JUMP! NOW!

Natasha jumped as the portal closed around her.

*****

The house in New York was old, but comfortable. Stylish, in a museum kind of way. Nat found its timeless, multicultural decorations relaxing. It was inviting in a way the Red Room complex was spartan and lifeless. Nat was also pleased that she and Wong had worked out a teacher-student relationship that was both challenging and rewarding. His positive reinforcement was a refreshing change from Drykov, but also an initial hurdle as Nat knew she was exhibiting the behavior of an abused child. It took some time for each of them to learn to trust each other. It was coming, slowly, but surely.

After three months of introductory lessons, Wong decided to give her something a little more complex. He handed her a small leather bound book with ornate decoration on the front and back cover. It could not have been more than 20 pages long. Opening the volume, she found child like illustrations and words in a language she could not read. “Study this for this afternoon. Talk to me about what you have discovered at dinner.

Nat was not one to retreat from a challenge. Sitting at table on in the library, she started to 'read'. The words meant nothing, but the pictures...

Two hours later, Nat was knocked from her reverie by the faint sound of grunting an exertion. It wasn't Wong, or anyone else she had met at the House. She could hear the unmistakable sound of fists pounding leather. Kicking too. Rising from her chair she was was surprised to see golden sparks dissipate about her. What the hell? Even the sparks couldn't keep her from following the sounds of someone beating the shit of a hanging bag. Following the exhilarating sounds lead her to a wide, carpeted stairwell leading down. Of course its coming from the gym, dummy.

Making her way down the stairs and through a longer than normal corridor, Nat pulled up short before entering Wong's work out room. Peering into the room, but remaining out of sight, Nat was amazed at what she saw. The person beating on the bag was a woman. A giant woman. She must have been...over six feet tall. Her shoulders, glistening with sweat, were broad and muscled. Her entire body was broad and muscled. In her boxing stance, Nat could see the definition in her calves, thighs, and abs. The skin tight exercise pants left little to the imagination. The woman had a magnificently tight set of glutes. It was a nice ass. Who was she fooling? Despite herself, Nat found her eyes glued to the mystery woman. For the time being she felt that observing would be the best course of action. She wished the woman would turn around so she could get a look at the rest of her, but the Amazon was positioned to only show her back.

“How long are you going to stand there and watch?” the brown haired woman asked.

For the second time in a few short minutes, Nat had been caught off guard. Lost in thought. It was unforgivable. Drykov would have beaten her and thrown her naked into a cell the size of broom closet. That was then, though. This was now. Now, was a beautiful, muscle bound woman calling her out for staring. Natasha turned on the ice.

“I was waiting to get a good look at our intruder,” she said, flatly.

“Well,” the other woman said, turning to face Natasha. “Am I good looking?"

The former Red Room assassin, trained in all manner of self control and deadly precision, blinked. Dark brown eyes, strong jaw, aquiline nose, full, luscious lips, and large breasts, that seemed to strain against her loose grey tank top.

“Passable,” Nat said, without emotion. You thought luscious lips and big boobs, you big liar!Natasha felt like she needed to leave. She wasn't thinking clearly. This woman was affecting her in a way that she couldn't control. At first sight, her training was gone and she was succumbing to baser instincts. She's a hot athlete who started flirting with you immediately.

“Better than I get from the guys on the construction crew,” the larger woman said. “I think they're scared and don't know what to do with someone who could take them in a fight.”

“Sorry to hear that,” Natasha said. “Can't be easy taking shit from guys like that.”

“They are harmless. Literally. None of the them could hurt me.”

“Nasty names can't be easy every day,” Natasha said, moving not so stealthily toward the chair where the woman's bag lay open and white towel hung over the edge. “Plus, I'm not sure sure such names are entirely accurate.”

“Changing your tune that soon?” the other woman challenged. “I didn't come here to to be hit on by little girls. I came to work out.”

“I am not a little girl and I am hardly hitting on you,” piqued by the boxer's audacity.

“That drool at the edge of your mouth says otherwise?” the intruder continued, brazenly.

“I don't drool,” Nat responded, harshly, her self control eroding further. “Who are you? I need a name to give the police.”

“I'm Peggy, and there's no need to call the police. They would come, find you unconscious, and I would be in the wind.”

This woman, Peggy, was instigating her. Why? Perhaps she thinks your cute too. Did she already know who Natasha was? Was she an associate of Wong's? Or, did she simply like pushing buttons?

“If that was a threat, it was lost on me,” Nat said, with confident cool. “I can take care of myself. I'm sure you've heard the phrase: the bigger they are, the harder they fall?”

The larger woman's brown eyes gleamed with mirth. Placing on gloved hand on her hip, she brought the other to her mouth in failed attempt to stifle a laugh.

“Did you really just say that?” Peggy said, rounding out her chuckle. “Trained assassins should be able to make better threats than that. Seriously.”

Another figurative right hook to Natasha's ego sent her reeling. “Do you need a towel? You're sweating?” That's right. Offer to wipe down her sweaty muscles while you try to recover from her owning you from the moment you saw her.

“Sure, Natasha,” Peggy said, taking the offered towel and beginning to wipe herself off. “Since you mentioned it, if I fell, which is unlikely, I would make every effort to fall on top of you so there would be no clear victor.”

Nat was sure she was hypnotized. She was a Red Room assassin and a Sorcerer's apprentice. Who did this Amazonian street thug think she was? This is getting old. You are not hypnotized. You are hot for her at first sight and just won't admit it.

“Who's Victor?” Nat said, emerging form her inner argument. “And, how do you know who I am?”

“Are you okay?” Peggy said, coming toward her. The taller woman, pulled her boxing gloves off and tossed them to the floor. She turned her hand knuckles out and reached toward the assassin's forehead. Nat blocked the strong forearm aside before the hand could touch her.

Raising her hands in surrender, Peggy said. “I'm not going to hurt you. I was trying to check your temperature. You seem out of sorts.”

“How would you know what sort I am?” Nat said, too harshly.

“You're sweating,” Peggy said. “Your face is flush. You offered me a towel. I didn't see that coming.”

“You're sweating!” Nat exclaimed, causing a small burst of golden sparks to shoot from her temples.

“Whoa,” Peggy said, shocked, as the sorcerer's assassin collapsed toward her.

Peggy caught the younger read head and scooped her up into her large arms.

“What has Wong gone and done this time,” Peggy said, as she walked Natasha up the stairs in search of her teacher.

#peggy/nat #peggy x natasha #Peggy Carter #Captain Carter #Natasha Romanoff #wong #marvel fanfiction #marvel mcu #fanfic #What If...?#what if...? fan fiction

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all-things-mlqc · 4 years ago

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I‘m not really far in the game but I know that every boy except Shaw, met MC/Us when they were younger. Do you think, they would‘ve love MC even if she wasn‘t this girl from their childhood and didn‘t have the Queen power? And btw what is even the queen power exactly. Like I said I‘m not far in the main story and I saw MC in a black dress etc

Hi there! I will do my best to explain my thoughts without mentioning any major spoilers for you since it’s always nice reading the plot for yourself! (I will be sure to give spoiler warnings before talking about it)

To start off, we should talk about the Queen’s power. It’s a bit confusing to us even to this day but what we can gather from what we have so far, game and anime wise, she has the ability to make other evolvers stronger. She’s somewhat of a battery or power source for all evolvers if that makes sense? Evolvers are still able to use their evols without her but she can “lend” people strength.

As for whether or not the boys would still lover her regardless of her evol, it’s hard to say for a few simply because her evol was the reason she met 2 out of the 4 of them. So if she didn’t have an evol, it’s likely she wouldn’t have met Kiro or Victor in the first place. But, hypothetically, let’s say that they did meet the same way and she did not have the Queen’s gene, then yes, I believe both Kiro and Victor would’ve still fallen in love with her.

Slight spoilers for Kiro’s past (how they met): Kiro and MC were both tested on as kids. Kiro is younger than MC and was frightened and confused at the time. He didn’t know much because he was so young when tested on by Black Swan. In fact, he 100% didn’t know MC had the Queen gene. He was simply way too young to understand or know that. He found a girl close to his age and wanted to get closer to her because she brought him comfort. It was the day he met her that he promised he would always protect her and he has continued to fulfill that promise. She was in a worse condition than he was when they were being tested on but still smiled and comforted him. With that being said, yes, it’s likely he would’ve still fallen in love with her because she brought him so much comfort and happiness during hard times regardless of her being the Queen.

Slight spoilers for Victor’s past (how they met): Similar to Kiro’s, both Victor and MC were together when Black Swan had taken them as “test subjects”. Victor met MC at a park where she was balling her eyes out as per usual. Good job MC and comforted her with pudding. Tbh, baby Victor reminds me of Killua from Hunter x Hunter. Anywho, it seems like Victor knew MC was an evolver just like him and he felt the need to watch over her because of what they both were. While he probably knew she was an evolver, it’s likely he didn’t know she was the “Queen” since he was so young. Well, Black Swan caught up with them and took them both into custody and that’s when the escape we see in game happens as well as how they were separated. It confirms in the anime that Victor’s number one goal all his life was to find that girl again. Everything he had done up to this point was for MC. I’m not really sure if he originally decided to keep searching for her because he felt responsible or if there was more to how he felt for her. Considering she did risk her life for his own, it could go either way. But it is clear that he does care for her whether or not she’s the “Queen”. He did know she had an evol but that’s all he knew.

Kiro and Victor seemed more like a traumatic experience bringing them closer which is a common way of bringing people together. If they had not met that way because MC didn’t have the Queen gene, then I’m not sure what would’ve happened.

On to Gavin, my sweet sweet Gavin. Answer is yes. 100%. Man is head over heels for this girl. He looked at her once, pointed, and said “that’s my wife”. Literally. With Gavin’s high school reputation as the frightening “overlord”, everyone was constantly scared of him. Nobody would talk to him or want to be around him because of the terrible rumors going around. How he’s always picking fights, stealing money, this and that. Long story short, none of that is true. He’s actually a vigilante of some sort but he doesn’t care to explain himself because nobody would believe him anyway. So he lived his life being feared. At least up until he met MC for the first time.

Slight spoilers for Gavin’s past (how they met): It was a rainy day and Gavin was walking around in the rain in an alley when he suddenly saw a girl squatting down, shielding a box from the rain with her own body. Gavin looked a bit closer and realized there was a kitten in the box. The girl was quietly talking to the kitten when she felt someone’s eyes on her. She turned to Gavin and then gave him a small smile. The only smile someone has given Gavin in years. The only light and comfort he had felt in so long. Not to mention his family situation. There’s a whole lot going on there if you haven’t read about it yet Because this feeling was new to Gavin, he got flustered and looked away, kicking a can on the ground in hope of a distraction. The girl continued to care for the kitten in the box only to feel a jacket being draped across her shoulders. Unable to thank him in time, MC watched as Gavin jogged across the street in only his shirt as the rain came down harder. I. Love. This. MAN. Ever since that day, Gavin found himself looking for her at school. He watched her silently and helped her whenever she needed it he helped grab a book from the top shelf when she couldn’t reach it. Coincidence he is always there when she needs it? I think NOT. He was smitten for her. Without knowing anything about her other than her kindness, he was a little puppy dog following her around to preserve the light in her. He is, what we all know and love, a SIMP. I STAN ONE MAN AND IT IS THIS SIMP THAT WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR HER. Anywho, time goes by, he’s her guardian angel throughout high school and then finds out about her identity in the evolver world from his father who is in a law enforcement group that deals specifically with evolvers. I mean, gestures to Gavin. The man wanted a child with a strong evol. After Gavin found out about who she was, he knew he would need more to protect her and that’s why he became a cop. Yes, this man became a cop just so he could protect the girl he loved. SO TO SUM IT UP, YES. He already fell in love with her without knowing she was an evolver so 100% yes.

Slight spoilers for Lucien as well: As for Lucien, I feel as if his position is a bit more complex. He knew MC when she was younger as well but it seemed like they had more of a friendship rather than him caring for her romantically. The reason why Lucien is originally so intrigued by her (grown up) is because he sees her in color. Lucien is color blind so when he was able to see her drenched in bright vivid colors, he was immediately interested in her. Though I don’t know if he was romantically interested in her in the beginning or if he was just curious, he obviously grew feelings for her later when he decided to protect her and somewhat betray Black Swan. In later chapters, he makes it very clear he was in the wrong with how he saw the world and after making “necessary” sacrifices and realized how much he truly cares about MC. So as far as would he love her without her being the “Queen”, I’m really not sure. The reason they are so close in the first place is because she IS the Queen. But being able to see her in color is probably enough for him to want to get closer to her.

And finally we have the himbo punk boy Shaw. I’m not sure how much you know about Shaw but I am warning you now that there are going to be mentions of his past which DO contain some heavy spoilers.

Shaw is the odd man out, yes. He’s introduced later in the story and actually has a very interesting role. You mentioned you saw MC in a dark dress. Spoiler alert: That is who we call “dark MC”. And it seems as if Shaw has ties with her and is possibly(?) working with her. Then again, Shaw is actually a lone wolf himself. He does what he finds to be entertaining and benefits him. He went against his father’s orders (which is very hot because I hate that man. Eat shit military man) and has his own way of gathering information. He is very good at making relationships with people to gather intel and have people he can use if needed all the while keeping his distance. Shaw very likely only has a relationship with MC because of his line of work. It seems as if he’s actually manipulating her in a way to go according to his own plan that involves dark MC. So far, in my opinion, it doesn’t seem like Shaw has any romantic feelings for MC in the main plot. He’s just interested in her because she spices up his life with chaos and he feeds off of stimulation. Though, I am excited to see how their relationship progresses and what he decides to do when he has to choose between the two sides of MC. There are small signs of Shaw caring more about MC in later chapters now but the man is just in denial because hE dOesNt hAvE aNy wEaKneSsEs.

I hope this helps explain a few things as well as my own thoughts on their relationships if MC wasn’t the Queen. Thanks for the ask!

#mlqc #mr. love queen's choice #mr. love #mlqc gavin #mlqc shaw #mlqc kiro #mlqc victor #mlqc lucien #mlqc spoilers #asks #hope this helps!

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sou-ver-2-0 · 4 years ago

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I'm curious about your thoughts on the relevance of the Hades Incident to the Death Game. My one friend thinks that the survivor from it who wrote the journal organized it and is, in a way, trying to make Sara like the girl from it through the Death Game, which is there's such focus on her. Also, we discusses who's parallel wrote the journal: Sou's or Keiji's (since the girl=Sara, lost best friend during first vitim=Joe, Boy even younger=Gin). But I just wanna hear your thoughts on the incident

The Hades Incident, the Present Death Game, and the Role of the Man from the Memorandum

I think about the Hades Incident a lot! My thoughts are very similar to yours, Anon!

Like your friend, I have a feeling that this relationship between the Man from the Memorandum and his own High School Girl is at the heart of the Death Game.

Based on all the parallels we can draw between the past participants and the current participants, it feels like the present Death Game is an attempt to recreate the past Death Game. Assuming that the Man was the sole survivor of the past Death Game, the logical conclusion is that this recreation is his attempt to meet his beloved High School Girl again, likely by forging Sara Chidouin into her by putting her through the same trials.

The fact that all of the participants have been observed by Asu-Naro since birth also contributes to the theory that they were chosen because of their resemblance to past participants, or that they were even molded to fit the personalities of past participants.

I’m also on board with the theory that the Man is most likely Meister from Russian Roulette, since they share a similar color scheme. Meister is the first villain we meet, so it would be satisfying to bring him back as the main villain. Additionally, the Russian Roulette trial is Sara’s first step to becoming a leader, so it makes sense that the Man would want to witness it. Especially since he apparently missed Russian Roulette during the Hades Incident; he would be curious to see it with his own eyes this time.

Here are the most apparent parallel roles from the Past and Present Death Games:

“17-year-old School Girl”: Sara Chidouin

“Her Best Friend”: Joe Tazuna

“A Boy Even Younger Than Her”: Gin Ibushi

“The Man Whose Views Most Aligned with Hers”: Keiji Shinogi

“The Man from the Memorandum”: Shin Tsukimi

There are striking parallels between the Man from the Memorandum and Shin Tsukimi, but there are striking differences too. So I’d love to share a theory my friend and I have often discussed:

“The Man from the Memorandum” was first meant to be played by Original Sou Hiyori. Since Hiyori died, he was replaced by a “back-up”, Shin Tsukimi. This explains why the kidnappers would give Shin such an unusual First Trial. Shin’s First Trial fundamentally changed his personality to more closely resemble Original Sou. What if that personality change was by design?

My friend came up with this theory to explain Shin Tsukimi’s paradoxical position: he is technically a candidate qualified to win, and yet he has a zero percent chance of winning. He seems to exist as both a candidate and a non-candidate. What if—my friend suggested—Shin was originally a non-candidate, but his position was shifted to fill in Sou Hiyori’s candidacy?

Ever since they shared that theory with me, I haven’t been able to get it out of my head! It would certainly explain why Shin’s First Trial is so strange compared to the others.

The part of “The Man from the Memorandum” himself would have been an important role. Since the Man left his First Trial deciding to not trust anyone, it was likely an antagonistic role. Given this role’s difficulty and importance, could it be that Original Sou Hiyori was perhaps…trained for the part?

This also leads into my other theory that Original Sou could be Meister’s son. Original Sou was a unique candidate for the Death Game who seemed intimately involved in preparations from a young age. I’m assuming that he was about Shin Tsukimi’s age since they met in high school. While it would be scarier if Original Sou was an adult pretending to be a teenager in Shin’s school, I think it would be more compelling if he was simply the teenage son of a villain. It would go a long way to explain Original Sou’s strange dedication to Asu-Naro, in spite of him being a potential victim of the Death Game. It would also explain his uniquely serious reaction to the player trying to name him “Meister.”

It could also parallel Rio Ranger’s relationship with Gashu! There’s a moment when Shin and Sara wonder if Gashu hoped to make Rio Ranger his “successor,” but they decide that it ultimately doesn’t matter. Clearly, Rio Ranger’s life didn’t actually matter to Gashu; only the Death Game mattered to Gashu. What if this was meant to foreshadow the relationship between Meister and Midori? Personally, this is one of my favorite pet theories; it would make Original Sou a more complex character and explain some of his bizarre quirks.

Similarities between the Man and Shin

I’d like to talk some more why Shin fits the role of “The Man from the Memorandum” better than Keiji.

The first thing we learn about the Man is his confession, “In the first trial, I killed a person.” Obviously, this more directly parallels with Keiji who literally kills a person, while Shin only metaphorically kills himself. But the metaphorical suicide still counts as a parallel, since the narrative treats it so seriously. (However, I still consider this a potentially significant difference between the Man and Shin. I think it could be evidence that Original Sou would have been a better fit for the role, since Sou had a harsher personality than Shin.)

The role of “The Man Whose Views Most Aligned with Hers” can only be Keiji. Keiji is an adult man and Sara’s strongest ally. He is the voice of reason who helps Sara establish order in the group.

The roles of Keiji and Gin are still important. They are two of Sara’s closest allies. Their deaths would devastate her. And they even get to be mentioned in the book! So it’s not like Nankidai is ignoring Keiji’s significance.

The clearest and simplest parallel between the Man and Shin is that neither of them participates in Russian Roulette. Shin is even deliberately barred from participating! That’s significant! Meanwhile, Keiji is one of the most important voices in Russian Roulette so he needed to be there to help place trust in Sara.

I believe the Man’s role is an antagonistic role, since he wrote, “I would never trust others. That was what I decided.” This line fits Shin better than Keiji. Even though they are both cynical characters, Shin sets himself apart from the group, while Keiji makes himself indispensable to the group.

The relationship between the Man and the High School Girl is at the heart of the Past Death Game. Similarly, I think that the relationship between Shin and Sara is the beating heart of the Present Death Game. Their rivalry is the story’s most fundamental relationship that gives way to conflict and resolution. Even in the event that Shin dies, his presence is still felt in a major way through Kanna, Midori, and the Shin AI.

The game gives us an obvious visual parallel between the Man and Shin in the screenshot I pulled earlier. Notably, both Shin and the Man have slim frames and fluffy hair. However, the Man wears an expensive suit more similar to Midori, while Shin looks like he could have gotten his clothes while dumpster diving.

The wiki mentions another parallel, which is that both the Man and Shin change their views on the High School Girl after the Second Main Game. I agree that’s significant, although we can once again point to some obvious differences in how their views change…

Differences between the Man and Shin

Beyond the question of whether they killed someone in their First Trial, and beyond their taste in clothes, the most glaring difference between the Man and Shin is this:

The Man didn’t care about Kanna.

Not once in his Memorandum does the Man mention anyone resembling Kanna. If the Man took on an antagonistic role like I suspect, he might have acquired a minion like Kanna. However, he considers the Kanna role so insignificant that she doesn’t even merit a line. And since the Man became the victor of his Death Game, he was presumably willing to throw his minion under the bus like everyone else in order to survive. When the Man weeps at the end of his story, his tears aren’t for the loyal, vulnerable little girl; he cries for the brave High School Girl and the lost romantic relationship he desired with her.

If Shin wrote a memorandum about his experience in the Death Game, don’t you think he would have written words for Kanna? He cared so much for Kanna that he would have sacrificed himself for her.

Furthermore, while both the Man and Shin share an obsession with the High School Girl, the nature of their obsessions is different.

After the Second Main Game, the man writes that he felt that “I would be fine with my own death as long as she won it all.” That’s completely different from how Shin feels after the Second Main Game, whether Sara votes for him or Kanna.

If Sara chooses to kill Shin and save Kanna, Shin doesn’t think about Sara’s chances to “win” the Death Game at all. He’s thinking about how grateful he is that Sara—the strongest character—chose to protect the most vulnerable among them, the suicidal little girl. Shin is “fine with his own death,” but not because he wants Sara to win. He’s fine with his own death because he finally trusts Sara to make the most ethical decisions and to always protect the weak. He isn’t thinking about Sara’s life; he’s thinking about her will. He realizes that he should have trusted her from the beginning, because Shin and Emotion Sara share a commitment to protecting the vulnerable.

Likewise, if Sara chooses to kill Kanna and save Shin, Shin still isn’t thinking about anyone winning the Death Game. All he can think about is revenge. Logic Sara affirms Shin’s belief that the strong will always betray the weak. I believe that this Shin has also accepted his own future death, but he seems determined to take Miss Sara down with him, along with the Floor Masters and everyone in charge of the Death Game.

In both cases, Shin is thinking outside the box while the Man from the Memorandum could only think within the rules of the Death Game. Shin is principled in a way that the Man was not. This is another reason why I think Original Sou would have been a very different kind of antagonist than Shin, since Original Sou is presumably loyal to Asu-Naro. If I’m right, Original Sou would not be likely to think about breaking the Death Game or hoping for escape.

…

Those are my main thoughts on the Hades Incident! I could be completely wrong on some of these theories, but it sure is fun to think about. This has already gotten very long so I’ll end it here. Thank you for asking!

#yttd #your turn to die #kimi ga shine #your turn to die spoilers #sou hiyori #shin tsukimi #sou and kanna #sou and sara #mine #asks #meta #theories #hades incident #meister

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somesuperherowrites · 4 years ago

Text

To the Rescue

request: Will you do a Luke Alvez x Reader Drabble where you’re taken by an Unsub and he just barely rescues you and it’s all fluff and all love and all goodness!

a/n: part 2 will contain the fluff !

....

Luke paced around the bullpen anxiously. You weren’t answering any of his texts or calls. Normally, this wouldn’t worry him. He knew you usually took a while to respond, but right now the team had just gotten a case in D.C. and the unsub’s type fit you exactly. When he had seen the pictures of the unsub’s victims, it felt like he had been drenched in ice water. They could have been your mirror image.

He nervously dialed your number again and put the phone up to his ear, “c’mon, c’mon Y/N. Please pick up.”

“Hey, this is Y/N! Leave a message and I’ll call you back.” Your bubbly voice resounded in his ear. Luke quietly cursed to himself. He was going to have to ask Garcia to ping your phone.

Luke practically ran to where Garcia was sitting with Emily in the conference room. “Hey, uh, Garcia. I need you to ping Y/N’s phone for me please.”

Penelope quirked her eyebrow questioningly, but began typing on her tablet.

Emily looked at him concerned, “Luke, what’s wrong?”

“Y/N fits the unsub’s type and I can’t get her on the phone. Oh god... what if he has her Emily.” He was very quickly breaking down and he knew that, but the thought of a serial killer kidnapping you was enough to make him panic.

Emily nodded, “Garcia, did you find anything?”

Garcia stared at her tablet, “Yeah, her phone last pinged right outside your apartment complex. But that was three hours ago.”

“Penelope! Where is she now?” Luke took a shuddering breath. He had to remain rational. Maybe you had turned your phone off for some reason once you were in the apartment.

Please. Please. Please. Be in the apartment Y/N.

“Here is the video footage from the camera near where her phone was last pinged.” Garcia pressed play and the three of them watched as you walked down the sidewalk.

Luke’s breath hitched in his throat as he saw a man approach you and start talking. No alarms bells appeared to be going off in your head. You seemed calm. You pointed down the street and the man nodded his head. As soon as you turned your back, the man forced a cloth over your mouth.

“Oh my god.” Penelope breathed out. They were watching your abduction.

Luke watched as you resisted at first then quickly surrendered to the drugs. Your limp body was then thrown into a nearby van. The whole interaction had take 2 minutes.

“Damn it!” Luke tightened his hand into a first and punched the table. He tightly closed his eyes with his fist resting on the table. Truth be told, it was the only thing keeping him from falling over right now. God, this couldn’t be happening.

“Penelope, track that van and run facial rec. I’m going to get the team.” Emily commanded as she stood up.

She walked over and placed a hand on Luke’s shoulder. “We’re going to get her back Luke.”

Luke bit his lip. He wasn’t one to cry in front of others, but right now, he was fighting like hell to not break down sobbing in the conference room. He pushed himself up off the table. There was only one thought running through his mind now - he had to get you back.

....

You groggily shook your head. Where were you?

You winced as the memories came flooding back to you. Shit. Someone had kidnapped you. Panic began to overtake you and you struggled against the restraints that we hanging you from the ceiling.

How could you have been so stupid. You had pepper spray and you hadn’t even used it. Luke would be so disappointed that you hadn’t fought back hard enough. Luke.

You took a deep breath to keep from crying. Luke was going to find you. You had to believe that.

Footsteps sounded from the hallway near where you were being held. Your eyes widened. Oh god, he was probably a serial killer. You couldn’t survive this. Luke was the tough one in your relationship. He was strong and good and could handle all the bad that the world had to offer. You couldn’t.

He was going to save you. Luke was coming for you.

You pulled against your restraints as hard as you could as a man appeared in front of you with a knife. You cried as you felt him press the cool metal of the blade against your throat.

His breath fanned your face and he smiled, “I’m gonna have fun with you.”

....

Luke paced the floor and exhaustedly ran his hands through his hair. “What are we missing? We have to be missing something,” he demanded looking around to the team members who were tirelessly working in the bullpen.

“Luke,” Emily started gently, “it’s been 3 days. You haven’t left and you’ve barely slept. You need a break.”

Luke scoffed, “do you think she’s gotten a break from the unrelenting hell this unsub is no doubt putting her through?” Heavy silence met his rhetorical question.

“Yeah, me neither. Emily we’re running out of time. He keeps them for 4 days at most. He tortures them, brands them, then dumps their body; and I.. I can’t -“ his voice broke.

Emily stepped towards him and looked him in the eye, “Luke, we can’t think like that. Okay? We’re missing something. You’ve studied this case more than anyone. What are we missing?”

Luke stared at the board in response. What was he missing?

“Hey Spencer!” he began putting together the dots of thoughts in his mind.

Spencer looked up from where he was sitting at his desk, “yeah?”

“Do you have that geological profile?” Spencer nodded and held the map up, which Luke snatched out of his hand.

Luke slammed the paper on the table, “there it is! the letters are of the streets the bodies were found are spelling out my name. Atlantic Street, Lawrence Avenue, Victor Street, East Capital. There’s no Z because that’s where he has her.”

Prentiss’ eyes widened. “Spencer, what street names in D.C. start with a Z?”

Spencer racked his brain, “There’s only one. It’s called Zei Alley. It’s two minutes away from the White House. Do we think he’s that bold?”

“No, I think he’s that stupid.” Luke grabbed the keys from his desk and paused when no one was moving. “Let’s go! He kills them at that location on the 4th day. She doesn’t have that much time.”

Prentiss nodded, “you heard the man. let’s go save Y/N.”

....

Your body was on fire. Anytime you moved, you felt the sharp sting of the cuts that littered your body. Luckily, he hadn’t cut too deeply. Unluckily, everything he did seemed to be because he wanted to cause you maximum pain.

You tried to lift yourself up on the top of your tip toes to give your arms some much needed relief. Being shackled from the ceiling was torture in itself.

You felt tears fall freely from your face as you heard footsteps coming toward you. You closed your eyes in dread. You knew what was coming, and you couldn’t take anymore.

“Please, please stop,” you sobbed.

“Shhh. It’ll all be over soon.” He grunted as he lifted your body against his so that he could undo your chains. He let your arms fall unceremoniously to your sides.

You screamed at the blinding pain that was taking over you. If you thought your arms had hurt before, boy were you wrong.

Your captor sneered at you, “Oh, shut up.”

He placed some a damp cloth against your mouth, and you welcomed the sweet darkness that it brought with it.

...

It wasn’t long before the team arrived at the location that the ubsub was going to bring you to. There was no sign of you yet, but everyone was waiting undercover and ready to jump in the second they saw you.

After 2 hours of waiting, a white van pulled up by Zei alley.

Luke immediately brought the team’s attention to this new development. “Guys, I’ve got a white van by the alley.”

Emily looked over the newspaper that she was holding as she sat on a bench. “I’ve got eyes on the van.”

They watched as the driver got out and approached the passenger side. He pulled the passenger out and help them up.

“Passenger looks unconscious. This is definitely our guy. Move in.” Prentiss commanded.

As the unsub shuffled you into the alley, he was surrounded. He held your body close to his and used you as a shield for protection.

Luke’s breath caught in his throat. You weren’t even awake. You couldn’t fight back. He wanted to scream in anger - how was this fair?

Luke licked his lips as he was thinking and his eyes darted between you and the unsub. “Okay, I’m going to put my gun away, and they’re going to back up, okay?” Luke slowly placed his weapon in its holster.

The unsub tightened his grip around you and shoved the knife deeper into your throat, so droplets of blood were now appearing on your skin.

“Hey, hey, look. You want me, right? That’s why you were spelling out Alvez, huh? Now take me instead of her okay?” At this point Luke was practically begging, but he didn’t care.

“You don’t want it to go down like this, okay man? You don’t wanna do this,” Luke pleaded.

The unsub was seemingly persuaded and loosened his grip on you for a second. A look of hatred flashed in his eyes. “You’re wrong,” he snarled and plunged the knife into your side.

....

You were trying so hard to open your eyes. Something was going on, but you couldn’t open your eyes. You thought you heard Luke’s voice faintly come in and out of focus. “down....don’t wanna..”

Was Luke coming to save you?

You suddenly felt a searing pain in your side and immediately screamed Luke’s name.

Gunshots sounded and you fell to the ground with the unsub. Everything was hazy and pain was consuming all your senses, but you knew without a shadow of a doubt when someone picked you up that it was Luke.

Your eyes kept fluttering open. Trying to stay conscious to see Luke was hard.

“Hey, hey, hey. I need you to stay awake for me Y/N. Can you do that?” Luke pleaded with you. His voice was like crystal water washing over you. So refreshing. Just what you wanted and exactly what you needed.

Even though you were pretty sure you were bleeding out, his voice was enough to make you quirk the side of your mouth into a slight smile. You knew you couldn’t talk, but you kept your eyes open long enough to meet Luke’s concerned gaze for a second before finally falling unconscious.

“No. No. Don’t do this Y/N.” He grabbed your face in his hands. “Come on. Please...” Tears were freely falling from his eyes and he desperately held pressure to your wound while begging you, pleading with you to stay with him.

In a second, medics ripped you from his arms and began applying pressure to your stab wound. They rushed to place you on the gurney and into the ambulance. Luke blindly followed them, unwilling to be apart from you for even a second.

#criminal minds x reader #criminal minds x you #luke alvez x reader #criminal minds fanfic

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