#this is now my outlet of my insanity and mental illness

[z0mbiew00d]

I got suspended on twitter I’m going to become violent

[ninja-knox-ur-sox-off]

Every once in a while I'm possessed by the frankly insanely intense urge to draw on myself

[currymanganese]

.

[ar-cadez]

Negaverse Megavolt concept!

Design notes and personality rant stuff under the cut. Warning. It's long and unreadable.

The purse thing is a generator (Ill probably design it as a prop at some point considering It does NOT look like one but portable generators are hard for me to draw for some reason)

I swapped which eye has the white in it (even though I usually draw it on the wrong side anyway bc idk my lefts from rights..)

I wanted to make the darks very prominent bc the yellows are very prominent in the original

I went with blues bc it's the only other colour usually associated with lightning and electricity.

The teal parts of his outfit are lights! They glow when he's fully charged and fade out when he's out of power.

You can't see it in this pose but his hands have outlets on the back that work the same as megavolt's chest outlet. He can power weapons with them and charge himself without the pain of straight up shocking himself

I wanted to make his hair look like it's thinning out bc of age and repeated electrical damage but I wasn't sure how to do that so it's not really present. Did give him some white hair though.

His glasses are prescription! Can't see nothin without em..

Okay now some personality stuff!

Megavolt is the hardest villain to swap bc his personality is "insane guy with memory issues but is smart" and it's kinda hard to flip that around without just making him boring? Removing his intelligence when it comes to electricity would also negate his whole gimmick which makes things worse. but I do have a few ideas. It's ironic I struggle with him so much considering he's literally my favourite character...

He was popular in high school. He was friends with negaduck and they were both pretty well liked jock types before negaduck started doing major crimes (though I imagine he was always a delinquent of sorts. Just didn't start destroying the city till he graduated) clash reunion is a whole beast on it's own bc megavolt has the most in depth backstory which means a lot of reworking for a personality swap au.

His interests, like dw's megavolt, lie in magnesium, electronics, and engineering. The difference is, despite being Intruiged by these subjects, he didn't go out of his way to learn about the. He was more focused on his peers approval back then. Not to mention the fact that negaduck was an extremely toxic friend and would absolutely make fun of him constantly for it. (He doesn't even actually care, he's just an asshole.)

Eventually after gaining his abilities he began to study electricity and start inventing things. Only.. He's pretty bad at it. Things tend to backfire on him. Quackerjack has a lot more experience than him when it comes to engineering and he tries to help him out but the guy's kinda cursed. I haven't really decided if it's more dt17 gyro where everything he makes ends up turning against him or guy am I from the Netflix green eggs and ham show where everything he makes just kinda explodes. Maybe a bit of both. Either way it's very over the top and is more trouble than it's worth, but that doesn't stop him! (Oh God someone stop him)

I didn't wanna just take away his mental issues completely because the opposite of that is literally nothing. It adds.. Nothing. It just gives him less to work with. And it's already hard enough to do this guy. (Plus it kinda implies mentally ill people can't be heroes and that's.. Mm....) So instead I decided to change how he reacts to it.

He still has memory issues along with other physical and mental symptoms of electrical injury, he just really likes to pretend he doesn't. He completely ignores his deteriorating mental, physical, and emotional health <33

I wanna flesh him out more but I'd only be able to do that if I write with him and I'm fantastic at procrastinating my writing projects <33

[thedemonsurfer]

hey uuuh im procrastinating on other things so let's write a big ol' essay about

Eclipse 3.1, and Why Moon Is Doing a Disservice By Writing Him Off As "Insane*"

*insane in this context being the definition of 'acting erratic and unpredictable with no regard to consequences' and not an actual mental illness diagnosis, I know, I wish they'd pick a different word too, but this is an essay about Eclipse's behavior, not linguistics

So! If you've only been sorta keeping up with SAMS, the current plot is someone (we still don't know who) revived everyone's favorite dusty Dorito that had been forgotten under the couch, slapped him on the ass, and pointed him at the Daycare. This has made a lot of people (in universe) very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move, even by Eclipse.

Especially by Eclipse.

Our buddy boy has magic (dunno how), incomplete memories of both the original Eclipse and the backup (no clue how he got those), and directives embedded in his code that can't be removed without killing him (¯\_(ツ)_/¯). He literally woke up in the hallway outside the Daycare and then went inside and started monologuing.

Eclipse wants to find the person who brought him back, maybe or maybe not ask some questions, and then kill them.

He reeeeeally wants to kill them.

(This whole arc honestly boils down to Eclipse grabbing various folks and shaking them while screaming "ARE YOU MY MOMMY?!")

In recent eps Moon has accused him of going 'insane', mostly due to his insistence on picking fights and threatening others, and that he cannot shut up about wanting to get the guy that made him. He very recently picked a fight with Lunar, who killed him again-- and proved at the moment he can't be killed permanently, he'll just come back in a new body.

Huh.. fighting a programmed compulsion, becoming more erratic and aggressive over time, breakdown of logic and reasoning... That seems kind of familiar...

Oh yeah! This is Eclipse's kill code. I'm calling it the 'bother code', but 'cringecode' and 'pain-in-the-ass code' aren't off the table. Unlike Moon's kill code, the expression seems to be 'be a distraction to Moon' rather than like, outright murdering people.

Like the kill code, fighting the compulsion seems to make his behavior more unstable. Because here's the thing: Eclipse isn't stupid.

Well.

Okay, Eclipse is stupid, but not... like this.

Eclipse is a manipulator. His thing has always been to recruit others to help him achieve his goal, and he's patient about it. He's willing to work for months on someone, and while he does shoot himself in the foot eventually, it's usually more indirectly than this. Moon is currently helping him search for the guy, it makes no sense for Eclipse to continue posturing and threatening.

Except-- that's his only outlet right now.

The "I need to find the guy who made me"? That's Eclipse's goal, the one he's pursing with all the stubbornness he has.

The "hey what if I killed or maimed some of your family"? That's the directives.

What we're seeing with Eclipse's behavior is him desperately trying to keep himself on track, when the bother code is trying to yank him in another direction. Threatening Moon so he'll 'work faster' is an outlet, a way for him to briefly pacify the code while redirecting it back into his own goal. He knows it's a stupid suggestion, but he's going to make it anyway because he has no choice.

I think he feels like he's running out of time as well. Because Eclipse can be patient, but he gets frustrated and short tempered the closer he gets to a deadline (this is why I believe he started being meaner to Lunar-- he was frustrated about not finding the star and had given himself only a month to do it).

So like.. yeah. I don't think he's going 'insane' or 'losing his mind'. I think he's fighting a losing battle against his own programming, and taking the frustration and panic out on everyone else. Because the kill code couldn't be fought off indefinitely, eventually the bot would crack under it. And it'd be nice if Moon could acknowledge that Eclipse's behavior isn't entirely voluntary, and he IS I think honestly doing his best-- he outright came to them for help, something he's never done before.

Idk maybe they need to let Eclipse put Moon in a stupid trap again for an ep to get it out of his system so he can chill out for a while.

A sidenote! Its interesting to me that Eclipse's behavior in the coming back ep seemed to be erratic only as long as Moon was present. Once Moon left, Eclipse changed gears in how he was talking to Solar, and had some very classic "you know you're better than this, don't you want to go apeshit?" lines. The kind of thing that we've seen from the previous Eclipse incarnations. Dunno yet if it means anything, but it's interesting!

[is-the-owl-video-cute]

"We don’t even know how the human brain works in full and you’re over here trying to diagnose (or un-diagnose?) random teens on tumblr because you think them applying to themselves a label that makes sense to them is harming any of you?" The "endogenic" label is harming the OSDDID community. Actively so, actually, by examples you provided. You mentioned yourself that some people may self-identify as endogenic because their trauma has been deeply hidden and buried within their mind. If you are diagnosed with DID or OSDD, that is a childhood trauma disorder. It confirms that there is trauma that happened in your childhood- and the best, healthiest option for you would be to find where it is being held, and help that part of you process the trauma, usually through therapy. It may be long, and grueling, but it is ten thousand times healthier than denying you have any trauma and never working through it.

Now, let's say you are diagnosed with DID or OSDD, and instead of following the recommendations, you instead say "Nope! I'm endogenic which means I have no trauma! My entire system is actually just here because God willed it! (real explanation some people give)" Despite the fact that this person has a CHILDHOOD TRAUMA DISORDER, and there is ZERO significant medical research even suggesting you can have DID without childhood trauma, you go on to deny you have any trauma and keep it deeply buried. You have switching triggers that don't understand. You blackout for days. You are dealing with constant mental anguish and symptoms of unresolved trauma, all because you have used something based on no medical science to deny that your childhood trauma disorder is caused by childhood trauma.

So yes, creating an outlet for people with a very serious and debilatating childhood trauma disorder to deny their trauma is, very much, harming us.

Okay so here’s the thing, anon. You are not these peoples psychiatrists. You are not their therapists. You do not know them. You are making blanket assumptions about their mental health based on tumblr posts. Do you realize how asinine that is?

Do you not realize how insane it is for you to say “these people are suppressing trauma in an unhealthy way because I read their tumblr bio and they used word I don’t like so I know them better than they do!”? You realize that’s insane, right?

And again, I cannot emphasize this one enough, if you have multiple guys in your brain meat, you’re a system. You can go full armchair psychiatrist and try to gatekeep plurality for… whatever unhinged reason you use to justify that, but ultimately if a person is actually people I kinda think they’re gonna know that about themselves better than you do. Attacking random mentally ill strangers online and trying to force them to unearth a childhood trauma isn’t exactly making you the hero of the story.

[philsmeatylegss]

Are any other phannies like… periodical phannies? Or like subconscious phannies? Like I don’t engage with content unless it’s new and I’m not often engaging in talking about them like 24/7. But like I’m still totally in the phandom like my heart still drops when they post and i drop everything I’m doing to watch it. It’s hard to also have been here when the phandom was at its peak popularity and just watching it slowly decline. And then watching yourself slowly decline it’s like emotional

I’ve been open that I’ve watched dnp pre being suicidal, being suicidal, and post being suicidal. Like I started engaging with their content when I was 11 and I turn 20 in two weeks. And half of my teenage years was spent extremely mentally ill as in coming home from middle school and wanting to kill myself and I would watch dan and phil videos to distract me

Like they were one of my few positive outlets and one of the few things that gave me happiness at that period so I’m still the same now. I get that serotonin boost and excitement I got in middle school.

And they symbolize so much to me that I’ll never not be a fan. They’ll never be a moment where I won’t rush to see new content. But idk. Don’t get me wrong, the phandom has the best written fics that I spend hours reading, but other than that, I’ve slowly been growing out of that intense fixation and it’s so hard

It literally just is me growing up. I know it is. And I’ve healed so much that I don’t need to obsess over something so I’m never alone with my thoughts. It’s a good thing. And I don’t plan on not watching them anymore or not screaming the second they do some dumb shit.

As the average age of the phandom gets older, I think it’s something I’ve seen a lot of us go through. Where we’re not actively engaging in phandom content unless it’s new. And it’s still always there. Like you engage in other content, but that connection is still there. But idk… it’s kind of hard to watch myself go from being an obsessive fan to just a big fan.

Yes, it’s a sign of me growing up and healing, but considering all they’ve done for me, not being obsessed feels like I’m betraying dnp. Which sounds fucking insane and I get it.

And it’s so hard to find new fandoms and I’m really specific in the content I can get excited to talk a lot about. I’m chasing that high I got when I was 14 and would see they uploaded something the night after I cut myself and being able to watch it and talk about it with people like me. It was such a 0 to 100 that I cannot replicate now that I’ve healed and it sucks and is amazing at the same time.

[grenadineghost]

hi juuuuune :) tell me about 1, 6, and multiples of 11!

YESS HI ty for enabling me :3 lots of these so under the read more

1) Uzumaki by the Scary Jokes

listened to this song 200 times this year. i knew itd be my top song. its just so fucking good and dreamy and tough and powerful. the incorporation of guitars into a scary jokes song is so fucking cool?? and the ENDING OUGH. it goes crazy fucking insane, its such a good spiral it ends in. its on london and izzy's playlists! its also just very perfect for my year. i spent a lot of this year balancing my friendships and wound up losing a really close friendship in a horrible falling out, and this song is about that kind of relationship. also its a really good song to kiss someone to. who said that

ok someone already asked for 6 so ill give you 5?

5) No Leverage / No Pleasure by the Scary Jokes

another scary jokes song! another one of my favs of all time! ough im obsessed hi. this was on the chapel playlist for those feelings of obsession and destruction and love. those were also feelings i spent a LOT of this year grappling with and this song is such a perfect outlet for them. this song just... rips up my heart. its so fucking good i adore this song hi. i have no doors ive torn through the walls ive ripped up the floors laid waste to it all

11) 8 now by food house

YES! A FUCKING JAM! i got to see this song live and it was so much fun - everyone went fucking crazy during IT GIVES YOU FUCKING MENTAL ILLNESS ough i adore this song. fraxiom was so fucking funny during the live show kghjl they asked the audience if we had done our homework and cleaned our rooms and washed our pronouns. anyways. this song is just so fun and silly. it's on my dnd character amy's playlist bc she's a stupid mischevous teenager lol

22) Hëłłœ Kįttÿ by Alice Longyu Gao

another hyperpop song i saw live that's on amy's playlist! this song goes CRAZY FUCKING INSANE hyperpop song in 3/4 thats just fucking relentless its fucking amazing the energy is so insane its not a song that most people would like but its so fucking good i made my dad listen to it. CIAO BELLA CIAO BELLA BELLISIMO! on amy and izzy's playlist for the contrast of hello kitty as a cute fem figure and INSATIABLE KINDA INSANE VIOLENCE BITING BITING BITING

33) Saddest Summer by the Drums

oh. i don't even know where to start with this song. its really important to me because it's a song i associate with my family - the name might be saddest summer but its super upbeat and i associate it with really wonderful summer memories. and its so fucking lovey! and this summer i was really missing my friends and put this song on a playlist for them - i kept saying it really was the saddest summer, bc i had a wonderful summer and also a really yearningpilled one.

44) Foreign Object by the Mountain Goats

WHY ARE WE GETTING EVERYTHING FROM IZZY'S PLAYLIST we're reaching the point where this isn't associated with specific memories its just a jam. i love the way this song casually sings about violence hehe and the end... the way it feels so beautiful and celebratory of this violence is REALLY fun

55) money machine by 100 gecs

the first song here that isn't from a playlist, i just listened to it a lot because its good! idk what else i can say its just a fucking jam. feel so clean like a money machine... this song was my introduction into hyperpop and i fucking love it the synths are just so fucking perfect and it has this persistence to it that i adore

66) Cheerleader by Sir Babygirl

SIR BABYGIRL! oh i love cheerleader so much. i could write an essay on why this is on amy's playlist - we're really hitting a few specific playlists huh - but the general idea is just this cute feminine aesthetic on the verge of complete collapse, and urging to be cheered on... its so fucking good. the "cmon, cheer me on!" part drives me crazy insane, its really fun and builds such a vibe

77) Cyber Stockholm Syndrome by Rina Sawayama

listened to this a lot this year because i had a final last semester where i wrote about cyborgs and we read Donna Harraway's Cyborg Manifesto in another class and also so there's this robotgirl who said that. ive also been planning a metamorphosis character relating to video games and obsession (the tetris effect) and so a song about obsessive love with cyber aesthetics? yes

88) Starstruck by the Scary Jokes

gotta get one more scary jokes in there. also from the chapel playlist, because that had most of burn pygmalion on it! im actually really surprised i didn't put this on the playlist for my friends considering that i call them my starlings. i mean ive been thinking about remaking that playlist now that our relationship has evolved a lot so, maybe this'll be there! its just such a fun cute cozy song :3

99) Feelin' So Matryoshka by (once again) the Scary Jokes

this was from emilie's playlist! i don't really have anything to say about this song other than it being a fucking jam lol its just GOOD it has the perfect beep boop bops. and i love how the scary jokes does lyrics ough its such a fun song

[givemaycoffee]

It seems you're feeling better today. I'm glad! Have some more questions :)

11, 39, 47, 78, 90

I am! :) And capitalizing on it as best as I can. Thanks for more of these 🥰

11. Do you have any strange phobias?

I don’t know if it’s strange but I have trypophobia. It’s strong enough that I have developed coping mechanisms to deal with it. It can become like an intrusive thought once it’s on my mind. I filter for it on here, and I’m always grateful when someone I follow actually uses the tag so I don’t have to see it. I also haven’t bothered to internalize how it’s spelled (even tho looking at it now it’s really not complicated), but I have the word saved in my notes app because originally I had to Google it and let me tell you… not a fun experience!

39. What time is it?

Aha, speaking of geography. It’s 4:53 pm :3

47. Do you have any obsessions right now?

Not really! Thank goodness tbh. I hyperfixated on Fire Emblem: Three Houses pretty hard when I got into it (June or July), and went down the Dimileth rabbit hole first, then Sylvix. I’m still enjoying Sylvix, but it’s not compulsive like it was when I was well and truly hyperfixated. I’ve been avoiding finishing the CF route, tho, so I’m currently playing Spiritfarer.

78. Can insanity bring on more creativity?

Uh oh! You’ve unlocked Opinions™. The first of which is that insanity is a word I find uncomfortable because it isn’t an official psychological term anymore, it’s mostly used in law these days to indicate severe mental illness, and when the average person genuinely uses it to describe another person they’re often using it to demonize said person’s mental illness. However, I don’t think anyone involved here intended that, so I am just mentioning it because I have met a lot of folks for whom it is a word that personally hurts them, and thus I feel the need to say something.

To answer the actual question, I think it’s looking at it wrong, really. Rather than bringing on creativity, I think mental illness tends to result in unique experiences, both positive and negative, and art is an outlet for all of it. Van Gogh had what seems to be manic depression, and art was a way to express himself. Art therapy is very much a thing for folks with all sorts of mental illnesses. It allows you to explore life, yourself, whatever you want in a way that doesn’t require words (or does, if you express yourself through writing), and can maybe communicate some of what’s going on in your head to someone else who otherwise might have very little understanding. And it can even help you understand yourself, too, sometimes.

So yeah, I think ultimately unique experiences and perspectives make a person more creative, especially in the eyes of someone whose own experiences are very different. It’s all relative, baby! This is also why diversity is super important (beyond just being fundamentally a good thing), because diverse people have diverse ideas and diversity of thought leads to creativity and innovation :3

90. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

First of all - this one is hilarious. Secondly… cry. Fun fact about me, if a zombie apocalypse were to happen, I would like to die, thanks! Don’t wanna deal with it, too scary and depressing. Anyhow - after crying, I would probably do the boring thing which is see if they react to anything, including movement and speech, and go from there. If no movement, J and I get up and leave and probably call my in-laws because they’re the real adults around here. 😂

[hersheythecure]

I almost lost today.

988

Called them and they sent a live counselor out to me. I went to a pace I feel safe and that's a Cafe. They met me there.

It was so hard. Getting to that point. I haven't had suicidal ideations In a while. But this is the season that they show up. Especially with everything we have going on.

I was so scared. I have to fight Frantic who's tye trauma holder for everyone. She feels like all the trauma in our nervous system and each separate part is an extension of her. The visual is insane in my mind. They're all hurting. But one thing for sure when she sends me that it's because we need help that is nowhere in our vicinity. It's when my brain realizes if we don't reach out we're going to take our life. She's combating the trauma alters who's adolescent outlet is death.

We literally have Noone. Lmaooo

All the questions. Were. No. Who can change your tire or take you somewhere? No one.

Who can you call? No one

Who can you ask for money from ? No one

Is there anyone here that you can ask for help? Nope

Any relatives? 2.5 hrs away so nope

I literally said roadside assistance is who I'd have rk call. Atleast I can afford that right?

If I was broke I'd be dead as fuck. Thank you brain for securing our Financials.

It's sad that if you're broke youre just dead. Buttttt 988. Please no matter how broke you are reach out. It's free. Verify. If you need them to email you that it's free have them do that. They sent two ladies out to meet me. Get my history and provide support as well as resources. Ones the VA doesn't even have or give. Smh.

I explained my symptoms and what I need. What is happening in my life. And where the stressor are.

My mom is not the person to call when I'm suicidal due to the inexperience with mental illnesses and disorders. But she's the only one that answered which I'm still so fortunate that she did. Almost took me out though. She made me feel like everything I did was wrong in relation to coparenting. Even when my social worker said otherwise. It sucks I can't count on my family for the advice i need because they don't have the info to respond In a supportive way. It suckssssss. I realized that my family was causing conflict in my mind. They have such a power over my mind because they are my ONLY support. The pull is strong. On my parts. But something the counselor said helped. Isolating yourself and cutting yourself off like Caribbean and black people encourage is actually the opposite and causes more harm. You cannot heal in isolation. And now I have to just he by myself mentally. I can only get support on a level I don't need it. I can't be myself or explain my pain because I can't pray this away. Wtffff. I just want healthy balck and Caribbean people who've dealt with their mental health and can give me advice. Damn. But that's not many per what? White supremacy.

And I'm glad the white counselor stated the disparities between black communities and mental health.

I am so exhausted. So exhausted. But so glad they sent someone to help me. Too much emotional stress. And no support. Online is nice when I'm not in distress. But like a bitch need a hug and I git no one. I remember when I was religious and I'd beg God to come down and hug me. To take this pain away and you know what, he didn't. And here I am feeling the same without believing in any God. Definitely shows me it's all just fluff. Words.

I am alive.

I am hoping to get some emdr. It'll help manage the symptom that is dissociation.

Im not dying.

I always go and check myself in if it feels like my body is being hijacked to suicide. It's happened before. But I'm better at detecting since having my son. He really saved my life.

[yakultii]

I ain't scared, I just thought I might get the most best answer this way..I'm wondering what poet or poem you read (or were read in your childhood) that had you looking for more and aspiring to write your own? If it was a traumatic event, I feel you there. .it can really help to read a complete stranger's words of pain, when they harmonize with our own. I admit, I have only read a couple of your poems but I love your voice, keep on keepin on ☮️ 🕉 💛

HAHA DW I LOVE ANONS <33333 I encourage it.

HONESTLY no poetry inspired me to write poetry (IRONIC) I thought I hated poetry!!!! I’ve written many things since I was a kid but always been more of an essay kinda dude..I attempted to read poetry a few times over my lifetime and mostly it made no sense to me..I thought it was just a bunch of pretentious ppl flexing their advanced vocab (which honestly I lack bc of a whole other story I won’t get into and maybe I was just jealous) - the only time I wrote a poem was back in final yr of highschool lit class when my brain was malnourished af and writing it made me want to kms plus I had major imposter syndrome (and then my lovely grandma went and sent it in to a poetry magazine without me knowing and it got published and still I didn’t think poetry was for me) only in more recent times I no longer have access to a psych who I can send weekly 3000 word emails to and I needed to do something so that I would stop driving myself completely insane bc I also live alone 4hrs from family and no friends so have noone to save me but myself so I started writing every day on wattpad like a digital diary entry(today was day 118 in a row) then I started to see others who had written poetry and combined w the fact that I’ve come very far over the yrs in terms with perfectionism (as in not needing to be) I found myself in a place realising that poetry didn’t have to be “good” and that I could just make it work for me. I could just write for myself. To get things out (even tho it’s only like 5% of my mind). It didn’t need to look impressive for others etc like what I used to think poetry did… so yeah basically poetry is just my budget therapy now and a tool to prevent me from ending things :))))) everything I write about (so far, at time of writing) is from real life experience and I love using it as an outlet to say the things that wouldn’t be taken so well if they were said out loud.. cause everyone has some sort of darker side whether they are exposed to it or not and whilst I do hold onto a lot of hope I love being able to have an outlet to get the rot out of me or at least create something with it so it’s not completely useless and all consuming. ALSO I think it’s cool that poetry allows you to turn your words into art. I’ve always loved art and ppl consider me arty or whatevs but I can’t draw or paint (well - not that it matters) so this is kinda something that comes more naturally to me! (I’ve only been writing poetry for 4 months now so hopefully I can only get better)… AND THANK THE LORD in the meantime as I have come to write my own poetry I am now able to appreciate other people’s poetry, I can understand it more, I can be inspired by it, I can admire it. I get it now. Or at least I think I’m starting to get it…. But to answer ur question l wouldn’t say it was a singular traumatic event which inspired it but rather a combined experience of like 20 genuinely traumatic events combined with being neurodiverse & a lifetime of various mental illnesses which I wouldn’t say are all treated etc. and quite honestly having read NOTHING in the past which resonated with the depth of my own experience so I thought you know what I know I can’t be the only one feeling this, I’m gonna try write my own! If I can’t read it I’ll write it and hope I can be that for someone else I guessss

SOZ FOR RANT IDK HOW TO STFU AND THANK YOU FOR READING A FEW OF MY POEMS AND THANK YOU FOR THIS QUESTION ILY HAVE A LOVELY DAY <33

[twslug]

gonna answer all the q's of that one post i rbed like two days ago or something, answers below break if u gaf (really not groundbreaking info)

answers start here:

that i don't have to do a lot of things (both academically and in my personal life) that i don't want to do but pressure myself to do anyway. a lot of things really and truly Do Not matter

isolating myself due to anxiety or aimless frustration that i don't have an outlet for,,, big fan of Being locked in a room for hours

fav self care is skin care/workout and good music, i'm listening to my girly pop playlist post-workout (current song is toxic by nico rosberg aka britney bitch, so just envision these mentally ill answers with fergie and britney and katy perry and rihanna in the background)

most vivid memory is definitely not a visual memory, i've got some memory loss so i don't remember much of anything about my life. HOWEVER i have an echoic memory, so i really latch onto peoples' voices. i looove f1 with all the different accents and languages (lowkey linguistics hpfx) so i can have drivers narrating my thoughts. charles's voice is super imprinted on my brain because he has a very unique (imo) speech cadence and choice of wording in english, same for max (both verstappen and fewtrell), lando, and other random celebrities or youtubers or irls or characters etc etc.

would like to recieve some emotional/social support, was kind of pushed to the side because my brother is more extroverted, better at school, had asthma and ocd and several food allergies, but i was left to my own devices because i was much quieter and in the background.

have always wanted to be able to take academics into my own hands, as per the last answer, i am very quiet irl and have a hard time asking for help so i spend a lot of schooling teaching myself, so i've mastered the ability to put my head down and succeed by myself but at what cost yknow, i cant even speak to professors or other students

apathy. chronic, neverending, borderline infectious apathy. im very stubborn so if my brain has become apathetic about something then you will never get me to care about it, even if i myself want to

rly gets to me when people are mean to people i like, for an f1 example, idk i like a lot of the drivers but seeing people be blatantly mean to them (criticism and affectionate jabs are Fine) really makes me feel upset and/or almost ill, i get rly anxious for some reason like i'm the one being insulted

no i don't cry. not really (back to the playlist, family ties by baby keem just came on TURN THIS SHIT UUUPPP) anyway i dont really cry, lots of apathy, forced to be the quiet kid etc etc

have done lots of improvement on my body image and having confidence in what i say/believe, esecially in a family setting, lots of my problems are from childhood and being overly quiet/shy, so i rly struggle(d) with speaking my mind but now Nobody has anything on me, my moms dad was a county sheriff and i openly rip on cops in front of her like fuccckkk off u made me like this

was very mentally ill at the time (was also during covid, so i was really mentally unwell), and they had their own problems, ended up having a rly toxic relationship. neither of us had redeeming qualities, said some things we shouldn't have, like mutual punching bags

wish i could connect to my new roommates for this upcoming college/university semester, again: very bad at talking to people, maybe it will be better when we all live together (copium)

POLITICS TIME: i get irrationally angry at people who know nothing about the US south, i live here and it pisses me off when most political "hot takes" about american southern conservatism are boiled down to classism and/or racism, drives me fucking insane

i only like affectionate teasing if i know you rly well or the jab isnt something im insecure about, but im a bit of a hypocrite because i playfully insult people all the time, good rule of thumb i follow is just never go for appearance, all makes u look like a dick

prefer to be numb, because even though its one of the worst things to ever happen to my Cranium, i have a really easy time letting things go and not being upset over things i should probably be upset about. its kind of peaceful when u come to terms with it

talent ive overlooked/lost is ,,,,,,, i actually dont know, i think ive honed the things im really good at, i was really good at being a stage manager in school theatre (was assistant director and stage manager for les mis in 10th grade, bitches love my organizational skills), maybe i pick that up again somewhere

call me seb vettel the way i really liked dark blue in the but switched to loving bright bright #ff0000 red, like the brightest u can get... good shit... Also british racing green forever and always

my stuffed animals :-) no harm in keeping them, i suppose

well this ones easy because i dont like talking about infodumping about the innerworkings of my Psyche but here we are, i feel a bit bothersome, hence this entire post being hidden under a page break ..

LAST ONE (current song playing is dancing in the moonlight by king harvest, for those of u following along athome), i believe people think im much kinder than i think i am. if that makes sense. i know the things ive said to other people, about other people, about myself, etc, and i just feel this kind of imposter syndrome whenever people say they think im rly kind or fun to be around because i know deep down i am miserable and evil and nasty... And dont even hit me w that "bad people dont care that theyre bad so u caring makes u not bad" no no no, thats the thing, i dont care . i am Evil... ebil,,,,,, Deomn evil

[magg0tkid]

If you'd asked me like six months ago I would've said the romanticization (I have no idea how that should be properly spelled) of mental illness and the desire people have for mental illness to gain internet points/win suffering olympics is one of the stranger and more idiotic things to come out of our time but now I'm like. I think it kind of saved me, back in the day anyway, before I had better knowledge and better coping mechanisms. Saved me from like. The worst of it anyway. She's in the worst of it and she just has no access or outlets to understand that she's not alone, that as odd as her thoughts and feelings are they're normal in the sense that they've all happened before to many people, and that insanity is just kind of like. A by-product of living in this world. Idk. I can't imagine how even harder it would be to go through all that shit with literally no knowledge that anyone else feels this way. Or I guess I do, because that's how I felt gr 7/8 before I really had internet access. And the internet is fucked but I'm seeing now how it helped me in some ways, through seeing how she has none of that help. And y'know what in gr7/8 I had literally no friends and spoke to almost no one, including my family, because I felt completely empty inside like someone had taken my personality and soul and I was just shell. I could think of literally nothing to say, like, ever. So painfully self conscious and it is a normal 7/8 experience but also everyone else in my class still spoke??? And they'd like joke to one another??? And I'd sit there and look at them and be like but how do they know how to talk??? I know other people were going thru similar things but like we were kids, we didn't know how to communicate that or how to find each other. And on the internet people the same as you are just there.

And I could read, too. She missed her eye surgery because she was in the psych ward and her eyes aren't even good enough to read, she can't read right now. That fucking sucks. Shes also had a harder life than me like. At 18 years old I was not driving to Yellowknife with my newborn daughter attempting to hide from my physically abusive boyfriend who then made me give away my beloved child and marry him like. Sure wasn't dealing with that at 18. And I still got fucked.

Idk. Like girl just go on tumblr and read some sylvia plath quotes or something idk

A weird wish I've had recently is that I wish my mom was a teenager on social media vibes because then at least she would romanticize her mental illness. Not the best but better than thinking it's demons and she's bringing evil upon the family and she's the only mentally ill person who's ever had these thoughts and she's beyond help.

[milos-journal]

The Asher Family (TW: TribeTwelve)

Ok, long post, I'm gonna talk a lot. scroll on by or just skim for art if you do not care. Second, TribeTwelve post. TW for that. Lastly, I want to say that this post is a character analysis/my opinions on the Ssher family (Milo, Mary and Robert) so this kind of thing is gonna get gross in subject matter. TW for talks of abuse (specifically marital abuse and child abuse), cults (fictional), drugging, suicide, self harm, and a potential plethora of other topics. tread lightly.

Ok, now that that's out of the way, hello! This is just me babbling about underrated characters and giving hot takes that may cause debate or not, we'll see. It's also me showing off the designs I did for each of these bastards. VERY self indulgent, just something I wanted to make. If this post does well, I may do a post on Noah (or rather, the Noahs, plural) because I have a lot to say on him as well. I don't know how to cleverly segue this.

Milo Asher / Mr. Scars

I feel like it's important to start with Milo, half so that people can decide if I'm insane a quarter way through these paragraphs and either keep reading or scroll, and half because a lot of Mary and Robert's notes are going to elaborate on Milo since everything in TribeTwelve is tightly linked together.

From a writing perspective, Milo is one of, if not the character in TribeTwelve with the most depth. We get an almost whole life read on him and we see the trauma that made him the person he is and what lead to his suicide. However, what is interesting about the journal is the Noah notes, and moreso, how dismissive Noah is.

Something Adam does in his writing that I'm not a huge fan of is explain away all potential mental illness Milo and Noah certainly have and goes "It's from slenderman!! Collective influence!!" when a lot of it is much more nuanced. Milo at the least has PTSD and anxiety, and that's the least. Given the childhood trauma of being thrown into cults as a worshipped being, or given the drugging, or being beat as a kid and watching his mother get beat, he definitely has something wrong, whether or not it wants to be admitted.

Milo being "completely fine" despite overdosing on anti depressants and consistently shown with fresh SH scars feels like this weird glorification of mental illness.

But with that amount of trauma and horrific occurrences, something that is not exemplified enough, is Milo never fully heals from this trauma. He instead internalizes it (which, within his scenario, is his only choice) with no outlet, which makes his moral compass towards the end of Milo's Journal very interesting to say the least.

Milo Asher is absolutely a morally grey character. However, being from Noah's perspective the whole story (to the point where all the Milo centric content is literally annotated by Noah with his own thoughts on the matter) he is a consistently praised character. A lot of the story parades that Milo has done no wrong, simply because he's troubled and traumatized and Noah holds him dear. However, I feel like the entries "Mockingbird" and "Institute" are perfect examples of how unhealed trauma manifests unhealthily.

While many may argue Mary deserved every bit of what happened to her, which, in some ways she did, I think the best way to see everything is to pretend Noah Maxwell isn't there. Which sounds weird, but try to read everything wholly unbiased. In Institute especially it feels almost dirty the way its written, all of Milo's words are covered in this grime he has no guilt for. Did Mary deserve it? Yes, kinda, we get more into Mary later. Is it alarming how Milo had no regard for his or her safety, ruined a marriage, grinned as his mother got hit and swore at by his step father, and then beat the shit out of her and went "Well, she deserved it, so.."? Absolutely, it's very alarming. And, because of the fact everything is from Noah's perspective, not only canon but Tribetwelve's active fanbase puts Milo on this weird pedestal of martyr, how he can do virtually no wrong. I don't know, I'd love to see more of Milo Asher in this grim light, but not exactly demonized. But, this talk of moral greyness and unpacked trauma brings me to my next topic.

Milo's Journal almost entirely focusses on the topic of generational trauma in the Slenderverse, which I find very interesting. Within Slenderverse, there are a couple occurrences of protagonists wanting or even having kids, but often something happens that blocks them from having kids or something happens to said kid. However, Milo's Journal explores this concept of what would happen to a kid being haunted by Slenderman with a parent of the same affliction. It makes me wonder what a fully fledged Milo who ended up with a partner and kids would've been like. With none of that trauma unpacked and all choked down, would he end up just like Mary? Somehow better or worse? With the amount of trauma brought onto Mary (more on that later) that trickles onto Milo, it makes some very interesting writing.

Really quick I want to talk about Mr. Scars, just as a character, and how much wasted potential he is. I genuinely wish he had one of two routes, he either was a full and complete villain, creating this psychological horror by being haunted of a lost loved one who literally wants you dead, or for him to be a villain for Mary when she was younger. The villain for Mary route is interesting because it explains why she so desperately wanted to know who Mr. Scars is while also keeping up this theme of generational trauma. I feel like so much potential for both Mr. Scars and Milo is completely unused, and honestly, same goes for the rest of the Ashers.

Do what you will with my thoughts, have the design I did for Milo. I think I didn't do half bad. Tumblr MURDERED my quality, hopefully clicking on it will do it better.

I did not plan on writing this much, so I'm gonna put a cut here. If you're curious about Mary and Robert, that'll be under it.

Mary Asher/Cursor

Alright, this is deep shit now, and mostly speculation. Most of my writing from here on out will be VERY reliant on some of the old Milo's Journal and Sebastian's Journal leaks. You can find those here. (Yes, it's a download. It's a PDF file.) You don't need to read them to enjoy this post, but it's good for if you want a source on a lot of my opinions on Mary and Robert.

Actually into the bullshit now, I want to start by saying I do not think ANYTHING Mary did was okay, and almost everything she did was volatile and inexcusable. Holy fucking shit she's an underrated villain. And so many people brush her off and go "She was mean to Milo, she's the worst!" in the same breath as sucking HABITs toes, so I feel like it's only fair to give her a chance.

She, unlike a lot of the villains in TribeTwelve, has motive. From what we know about the journal Mary kept herself, she went through some TOUGH shit. A lot of her actions can be seen as preventative measures in her mind, a lot of it probably felt like simple protection to her. This does not make her actions valid, of course, but she probably was going through logical steps in her mind, especially since at the same time she was manipulated by a cult.

Need to sacrifice someone and the cult demands it? Have a kid! Kid's experiencing inexplicable paranormal activity that aligns with a cult messiah? He must be special, take him to meetings. Kid exhibiting disturbing behavior she had when she was a kid and at the same time the cult conveniently has pills to help it? It's natural, Milo needed to be protected.

My point is, a lot of her logic is there, even it doesn't track to most. And of course just because there's logic doesn't make it right, I just wish people thought on Mary more. Saw her as more of an interesting villain, y'know? Thought of her with more dimension past cruel and abusive.

I also forget to note, just putting it as a one off note, she was abused by pretty much all of her partners in some way with exception of Robert and John, or what we know of them. It doesn't connect to anything, just wanted to say it before I call it quits on the rant yada yada here's Mary. Quality got eaten.

Robert Asher / Scriniarii

I love Robert Asher as a character despite the fact we know NOTHING about him, and the fact we don't is a literal crime because what we know is so intriguing.

First, we know that Scriniarii is in his archival position without want, when he joins the TribeTwelve discord and nobody is helping him he exclaims "LOOK I DONT WANT TO DO THIS FUCKING JOB. I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS SHIT!" So, Firebrand or someone else forced him into this position. This doesn't help that he mentions he'll be "punished" by Firebrand for talking out of term. Here's the screenshot in question.

Second, we have no idea if Scriniarii is just a pen name or Robert ascended. Whether or not he is a collective member is very ambiguous. It's heavily implied he's ascended and outside the loop but still he could be some guy also.

Third, we know Robert is in the Order. In a screenshot I sadly do not have, he talks about how the order took his family and ruined his life. It is further confirmed in Wizards, when it says "I asked mommy why we have to go to two churches now and she says it’s to get closer to Daddy and closer to God."

All of this information together is so interesting. Did him and Mary meet through the order? (Update, apologies on misinfo for that question in specific, we have canon confirmation they did not and met beforehand) If so, was he on board with the child sacrifice? What about his command under Firebrand, how is he "punished" and how much control does Firebrand have over him? For those who were not part of the TTD while it was running and really wanna know more, The SCRINIARII Code is super useful for a good summary. I swear I had a good archive of the discord screenshots but apparently I don't, so thats the best you get.

Congrats! You got so far into the bullshit you get the final piece of art. Quality looks like he got chewed up and spat out.

That should be it for now. Again, if this post does really well and/or if people are interested, I will TOTALLY make more. Do what you will with my takes, write weird fanfic, call me dogshit, I don't care. Thanks for even reading this far. It means a lot.

[dropintomanga]

Anime Music and the Mentally Ill - Healing for Both?

A long while back, I used to check out local Japanese rock music acts in my area. It was a fun, crazy time. I got to meet some interesting folks and realized how important local music scenes are. There’s a music documentary I saw recently, We Were There to Be There, a look at a punk rock concert that took place at a psychiatric hospital in 1978. It reminded me of those times and how music helps those with mental illness.

To sum up We Were There to Be There, the documentary covered two popular punk rock acts of the 1970s’, The Cramps and the Mutants, who got together for a daytime performance at Napa State Hospital in the Bay Area. This happened in 1978 when the Bay Area was being recognized as a thriving art space. Around the same time this concert happened, future U.S. President Ronald Reagan wanted to de-fund all psychiatric facilities across America. He got his wish and his actions has lasting effects today as there’s no real safety net for anyone with serious mental illness in the United States. The beauty of this performance was that it’s one of the most vivid indications of how the mentally ill and regular people (notably people who were anti-establishment) can be united.

Watching this made me think about anisongs. There’s many notable songs that have become a part of otaku culture. I was wondering if something like the Napa State Hospital concert could be done in psychiatric settings with anime music. The closest thing I found was the Anisong Bravery Collective, a group that had idol performances to raise money for mental health research and resources. This sounded like it could be something bigger, but they only had 1 concert. The group also has been AWOL since December 2020 as almost all of their social media outlets are deactivated.

I think back to 2009-2010, when I suggested a local NYC Japanese punk rock band to perform at a local anime convention. It went pretty well and the otaku crowd ate up the music. Punk rock always has that “anti-mainstream/rebellious” feel and it matched well with the otaku spirit. Both sides are about expressing themselves with no shame.

The people who helped organize the Napa State Hospital concert said doing an act like they did is hard today. Almost all psychiatric hospitals (especially the good ones) are now gone. And more specifically, the concert has to be done in a way that’s not glittered with corporate stardom. I can never imagine Japanese record management being okay with having their most popular acts perform in front of a group of people that’s labeled “crazy”, “insane”, etc.

There’s obviously notable differences between punk rock and anime music, but both are similar in that they reject Western ideals on what cool is. Those with serious mental illness are rejected due to their inability to live up to “normal” ideals. I’ve seen how music can help someone with mental health disorders. I finished a Japanese adventure game called AI: The Somnium Files and it featured a female internet idol character named Iris Sagan, who had a malignant brain tumor (which caused her to have delusions). The thing that kept her going was dancing to whatever music was catchy in her hand. Iris is also an important character in guiding the player towards the right path towards resolution in AI: The Somnium Files’ story.

There’s a line that the singer of The Cramps said at the Napa State Hospital concert, “Somebody told me you people are crazy, but I’m not so sure about that. You seem to be all right to me.” Anime, especially its music, has done a lot for the lives of many fans. Maybe I would like to see anisongs reach a population that I feel would enjoy the infectious energy they bring - the energy that has broken global boundaries and show the world how all right its fans are.

I want anisong-influenced acts to say “We were there to be there” too.

[evindimeta]

Are You Experiencing Some of the Common Symptoms of Ascension?

(Long Post)

Some of you may find this helpful, please only take what helps and do not worry or fret if something in this list does not resonate with you. You can take what resonates and leave what doesn’t. That is okay.

Those who need to hear this will be drawn to it, for that is the way of our great Universe.

~ Blessings to All ~

I was just looking at quite a few pages of COVID long haulers support groups...where a COVID-positive was indicated and they have not fully recovered their well being. 85% of the descriptions of their symptoms (which are found as negative health concerns) are labelled as COVID...some are being told it’s Lyme, fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue among other unknown causes. As I reviewed the endless lists and common symptoms I found that they are very similar to ascension symptoms.

However most do not realize that they are going through a physical change in their DNA structure. Those who are aware and have gone through the many waves of change understand and roll with the fatigue and other symptoms in gratitude and not fear, trusting and seeing the positive change in who they are as this occurs. It is a leaving or shedding what has been known... to reveal the true self within.

I felt it would be supportive for you, and for your friends and loved ones to review to find a “positive outlook” on a changing body and world. May this fill you with hope, for all are emerging through this great transformation.

PLEASE NOTE: This article is based on work presented by Samuel Greenberg's original list and is not authored by Dr. Nickerson. Before you read this, realize that you are okay and that what you are experiencing is "The SHIFT". This is a normal process when the universal vibrational energy forces you to rise above your normal 3D level of existence here on Earth.  It’s all okay.  When in doubt, please see your doctor to confirm to alleviate fear.

Ascension Symptoms:

1. Feeling as though you are in a pressure cooker or in intense energy; feeling stress. Remember, you are adjusting to a higher vibration and you will eventually adjust. Old patterns, behaviors and beliefs are also being pushed to the surface. There is a lot going on inside of you.

2. A feeling of disorientation; not knowing where you are; a loss of a sense of place. You are not in 3D anymore, as you have moved or in the process of moving into the higher realms.

3. Unusual aches and pains throughout different parts of your body. You are purifying and releasing blocked energy vibrating at 3D, while you are vibrating in a higher dimension.

4. Waking at night between 2 and 4 a.m. Much is going on in your dream state. You can’t be there for long lengths of time and need a break. This is also the ‘cleansing and releasing’ hour.

5. Memory loss. A great abundance of short term memory loss and only vague remembrances of your past. You are in more than one dimension at a time, and going back and forth as part of the transition, you are experiencing a ‘disconnect’. Also, your past is part of the Old, and the Old is forever gone. Being in the Now is the way of the New World.

6. ‘Seeing’ and ‘hearing’ things. You are experiencing different dimensions as you transition, all according to how sensitive you are and how you are wired.

7. Loss of identity. You try to access the Old you, but it is no longer there. You may not know who you are looking at in the mirror. You have cleared much of your old patterns and are now embodying much more light and a simpler, more purified divine you. All is in order, You are okay.

8. Feeling ‘out of body’. You may feel as though someone is talking, but it is not you. This is our natural defense mechanism of survival when we are under acute stress or feeling traumatized or out of control. Your body is going through a lot and you may not want to be in it. My ascension guide told me that this was a way of easing the transition process, and that I did not need to experience what my body was going through. This only lasted a short time. It passes.

9. Periods of deep sleeping. You are resting from all the acclimating and are integrating, as well as building up for the next phase.

10. Heightened sensitivities to your surroundings. Crowds, noise, foods, TV, other human voices and various other stimulations are barely tolerable. You also overwhelm very easily and become easily overstimulated. You are tuning up. Know that this will eventually pass.

11. You don’t feel like doing anything. You are in a rest period, ‘rebooting’. Your body knows what it needs. In addition, when you begin reaching the higher realms, ‘doing’ and ‘making things happen’ becomes obsolete as the New energies support the feminine of basking, receiving, creating, self-care and nurturing. Ask the Universe to ‘bring’ you what you want while you are enjoying yourself and having fun.

12. An intolerance for lower vibrational things of the 3D, reflected in conversations, attitudes, societal structures, healing modalities, etc. They literally make you feel ‘sick’ inside. You are in a higher vibration and your energies are no longer in alignment. You are being ‘pushed, to move forward; to ‘be’ and create the New.

13. A loss of desire for food. Your body is adjusting to a new, higher state of being. Also, part of you does not want to be here anymore in the Old.

14. A sudden disappearance of friends, activities, habits, jobs and residences. You are evolving beyond what you used to be, and these people and surroundings no longer match your vibration. The New will soon arrive and feel so-o-o-o much better.

15. You absolutely cannot do certain things anymore. When you try to do your usual routine and activities, it feels downright awful. You are evolving beyond what you used to be, and these people and surroundings no longer match your vibration. The New will soon arrive and feel so-o-o-o much better.

16. Days of extreme fatigue. Your body is losing density and going through intense restructuring.

17. A need to eat often along with what feels like attacks of low blood sugar. Weight gain, especially in the abdominal area. A craving for protein. You are requiring an enormous amount of fuel for this ascension process. Weight gain with an inability to loose it no matter what you do is one of the most typical experiences. Trust that your body knows what it is doing.

18. Experiencing emotional ups and downs; weeping. Our emotions are our outlet for release, and we are releasing a lot.

19. A wanting to go Home, as if everything is over and you don’t belong here anymore. We are returning to Source. Everything is over, but many of us are staying to experience and create the New World. Also, our old plans for coming have been completed.

20. Feeling you are going insane, or must be developing a mental illness of some sort. You are rapidly experiencing several dimensions and greatly opening. Much is available to you now. You are just not used to it. Your awareness has been heightened and your barriers are gone. This will pass and you will eventually feel very at Home like you have never felt before, as Home is now here.

21. Anxiety and panic. Your ego is losing much of itself and is afraid. Your system is also on overload. Things are happening to you that you may not understand. You are also losing behavior patterns of a lower vibration that you developed for survival in 3D. This may make you feel vulnerable and powerless. These patterns and behaviors you are losing are not needed in the higher realms. This will pass and you will eventually feel so much love, safety and unity. Just wait.

22. Depression. The outer world may not be in alignment with the New, higher vibrational you. It doesn’t feel so good out there. You are also releasing lower, darker energies and you are ‘seeing’ through them. Hang in there.

23. Vivid, wild and sometimes violent dreams. You are releasing many, many lifetimes of lower vibrational energy. Many are now reporting that they are experiencing beautiful dreams. Your dream state will eventually improve and you will enjoy it again. Some experience this releasing while awake. My mother commented one day that she believed I was having nightmares in the daytime.

24. Night sweats and hot flashes. Your body is ‘heating’ up as it burns off residue.

25. Your plans suddenly change in mid-stream and go in a completely different direction. Your soul is balancing out your energy. It usually feels great in this new direction, as your soul knows more than you do. It is breaking your ‘rut’ choices and vibration.

26. You have created a situation that seems like your worst nightmare, with many ‘worst nightmare’ aspects to it. Your soul is guiding you into ‘stretching’ into aspects of yourself where you were lacking, or into ‘toning down’ aspects where you had an overabundance. Your energy is just balancing itself.

 Remember.....Finding your way to peace through this situation is the test you have set up for yourself. This is your journey, and your soul would not have set it up if you weren’t ready. You are the one who finds your way out and you will. 

Looking back, you will have gratitude for the experience and realize that you are a different person.

I hope this helps.