#this is mostly just to have something to clarify my personal beliefs out there

[gorbo-longstocking]

Do Not Blame the Sea | Chapter One

Pairing: Emperor Geta/Reader, Emperor Caracalla/Reader

Summary: Everyday, you woke up and performed the steps necessary to complete your routine. It was monotonous, like clockwork, as you traveled down the tracks laid out for you since birth. With a mind uncontested, you found yourself graduating college before you were legally an adult, and at the behest of your controlling parents, you continued on to medical school, then further on into a surgical residency at a nearby hospital. You had always wanted to help people and this was the best way to do it.

So, why, with everything you had ever wanted at your fingertips, were you so unhappy?

Maybe that was why when you awoke in the past, surrounded by farmland instead of your blankets that you decided to ‘just roll with it’ rather than scream. That was your motto now as you were unceremoniously dropped from your assigned path onto untrodden ground with no hope of going back. So, even when you saved the life of a soldier and were carted off into the heart of the corrupt Roman Empire to be the twin emperor’s new physician, you barely batted an eye.

After all, you would do anything to save your patients.

Tags: Time travel, transmasc reader, no use of y/n, eventual polyamory, no incest, period-typical attitudes, Caracalla doesn’t have syphilis but he has PTSD, mentions of slavery, both historical accuracy and historical inaccuracy, obsessive behavior, eventual smut in later parts, medical inaccuracies,

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Part Two

Authors Note: Hiiiiiii, I’m back at it again, starting another fic. Those freaky gingers have bewitched me, let me tell you. Anyway, some important things to note about this little fanfiction that I feel the need to clarify before we get into the real meat and potatoes.

First and foremost, Geta and Caracalla won’t show up until chapter two. Maybe even chapter three, it depends on how much more set up I write, so if you want to wait ‘till then to read this, you’re welcome to :3

Two, and very important, unlike my other fics where the reader is trans, but referred to with they/them pronouns or neutral language, this main character will be referred to with he/him pronouns and masculine language in the text because, as a plot point, they are assumed to be a cis man. Along with this, they have three descriptions in the text. They have dyed green hair — original hair color shan’t be mentioned — they have top surgery scars, and they have a vagina. I miiiiight make an accidental reference to heights (ex. ‘ooked up at him/looked down at him) but I will try my hardest to not.

While their real name will never be mentioned in text for self-insertion purposes, Geta and Caracalla come up with the nickname ‘Alga’ for them due to their green hair. It means ‘seaweed’ in Latin. It also means ‘something of little worth.’ :) So, that is how they’ll be referred to. Generally. It’s either that or ‘medicus’ or ‘physician’ or ‘you there.’

Third and finally, I am a huge nerd and fan when it comes to the Roman Empire. As a society, they have a bunch of hangups, taboos, and beliefs, mostly around sex, that I find incredibly funny and will pepper in here and there. I will try to make this fic as historically accurate as I possibly can using all the resources I have at my disposal (google, a few academic texts, and my best friend whose studying classical history) but there’s no guarantee I get all of it right. Half the reason I’m using a modern character as the main POV is so they have an excuse not to know things 😭 Also when it comes to conjugation of Latin words, please, PLEASE give me leeway, I haven’t taken a Latin class since high school.

All that said, I hope whoever reads this fic enjoys it, because that is my main goal. Writing is seriously a passion of mine and my favorite part about it is sharing it with people. That means YOU person reading this, I think you’re awesome.

Okay I’m done talking, on with the show!!

Chapter One ///

This dream sucked — because that was what this was, a very bad dream — and, if you had to guess, it was the worst dream you had ever had in your life. Which was saying something. As a surgical resident who did most of their studying in a hospital, you were chronically sleep deprived and had a lot of stressful material to work with. Whatever aid you used to help you get some semblance of rest had a tendency to give you weird dreams. Very, very weird dreams. You had a few recurring ones, like being chased by a sentient pool noodle — whatever that meant — and several where the ghosts of your patients blamed you for their deaths — far more self explanatory than the pool noodle — but none quite like this one.

Out of everything you had ever experienced in your bleak and desolate mindscape, this dream was long and boring. That was its only crime. Along with being terrifyingly vivid, of course, which you didn’t particularly enjoy thinking about. If you were any less logical, you’d almost be convinced this was reality. That you had woken up in a small farming village, close enough to the capital of one of the most infamous ancient empires that you could see it on the horizon. Sometimes, when the sun set, you would stare at the shadow of Rome dancing upon the skyline. It was beautiful, albeit impossible. Sure, the people who surrounded you only spoke Latin, and they didn’t trust you as far as they could throw you, but it wasn’t as if that mattered. Soon, you would awake in your bed, one day closer to your exam and the beginning of the rest of your life.

Why did the thought only fill you with a sinking sense of dread? Being a doctor was everything you had ever worked for. Helping people, saving people, it was your purpose, the very reason you were born with your exceptional mind. It was your destiny, so why did it feel like you were marching to the gallows?

You shook your head to rid yourself of these thoughts. Focus on the present, focus on the dream, it was far easier than the constant ever present march of time. It was why you were so certain that the predicament was a figment of your imagination. Time hated you, constantly pulling on your leash, dragging your forward even as you dug your heels into the muck. It would never, never move backwards. Not for you.

Never for you.

A low groan of despair rumbled in your throat as you tried your best to wash your filthy scrubs in a nearby river. The water wasn’t murky, but it wasn’t clear either. Unsurprising, considering the nearby village used this water for practically everything. They were close enough to the city to have access to aqueducts, carrying waste hopefully further downstream. You were determined not to think about it. Any other denizen of this small settlement would wash their clothes themselves. The village was too small for a fullonica, and you were pretty sure they were mostly meant for the wealthy. That said, you also knew that Romans used urine to wash clothes — thank you to the ancient civilization classes you took for fun — and you’d be damned before you let a random person’s piss touch your scrubs.

Outside of work, at least.

With your pants rolled up to your knees as you waded deeper into the water, you continued to do what you could to clean the few clothes you had on you. Considering you only had a little bottle of soap you stole from a hotel a few months ago, it was easier said than done. You wanted to ration what you had in case this dream went on for much longer. Just because this was a fictional scenario conjured by your stress addled mind didn’t mean you weren't going to go about things logically. You had already been asleep for three days now, who knew how much longer this neverending dream would last? Perhaps forever. The thought of avoiding reality as you waste away in your bed was far more comforting than it should have been.

A loud shout echoed to your right and you fought the urge to shoot a nasty glare at the <i>obviously</i> young soldiers goofing off several yards away. Well, young was a strong word, they were the same age as you. Probably. You couldn’t really tell considering how staunch you were in your decision to not make eye contact. Out of the handful of men playing in the water, they were all naked. It wasn’t that nudity bothered you, you were studying healthcare for Christ’s sake, it was the unfortunate fact that soaking wet, muscular hunks were a particular weakness of yours. You weren’t sure the soldiers would appreciate your ogling, the villagers already avoided you like the plague. Judging by the dirty looks you received from some of the, unfortunately armed and notoriously xenophobic men, they’d heard enough about you to be wary.

You let out another sigh, your scrubbing becoming a tad more vigorous. Soapy bubbles rose to the surface of the water and your face was screwed up in concentration.

This particular Roman century had arrived at the village only a half-day after you did. From what you could pick up from eavesdropping, instead of being sent to North Africa to get a little conquering done, their legion was shipped to Gaul to put an end to some dissent. Once that was over, the officer in charge received orders to head back to Rome so they could be sent to North Africa with the rest of the troops. They had only stopped at the village for a last bit of rest before their next assignment. Or something. You had been noticed, and you had scurried off the second you realized you were caught.

Letting out a small huff, you examined your scrubs and decided that they were as clean as they would get. Once you were back at shore, you wrung out the fabric the best you could before laying them flat on a rock beside the only other outfit you had, aside from the one you were wearing, to dry in the sun. Another bark of laughter drew your eye to the soldiers playing like schoolboys in the river. Weren’t these men hardened warriors of one of the most regimented militaries to exist? Surely, they should be more disciplined. Still, you couldn’t help the small smile that caused your lips to twitch upwards. Even thousands of years in the past, and in your dreams, humans were the same as they had always been.

The sun was warm, hanging overhead like an unripe cherry tomato. You closed your eyes to bask in it a bit more than necessary. Your skin prickled, indicating that there were eyes on you, though you didn’t particularly care. No footsteps approached you and the sound of laughter didn’t stop, so you figured you were safe enough to show your belly. You didn’t realize you had laid down until you felt grass tickle the back of your neck. Perhaps a little nap wouldn’t hurt. A dream within a dream would be rather funny, you thought as you fell into a light doze, lulled by the sound of soldiers playing.

You didn’t know how long you slept for. It was the sound of panic that woke you, sending you upright so fast, your head spun. The first thing you noticed was the merriment had stopped and had given way to an oppressive sense of desperation. You looked in the direction you had been avoiding all day to see a gaggle of soldiers, some clothed, some naked, dragging an unconscious body onto shore. One man was running with his tunic halfway over his head in the direction of the village, yelling for the centurion in charge. You were moving before you could stop yourself.

“Make way! Make way!” Your Latin was shaky, but not the worst in the world. While you were sure your accent was strange, you knew you were at least understandable as some of the men turned to block you from getting any closer. They didn’t look particularly pleased at your arrival, eyeing both your hair and your odd attire with an air of skepticism. You didn’t have time for this. “I am a doctor. A physician. I can help him, we must act fast.”

One of the soldiers raised a singular thick eyebrow. “A physician, you say? You look like no medicus I have ever seen.”

“Does that really matter?!” You shouted, your voice a harsh bark. The longer this went on, the less of a chance you had to save this man. While you were nervous to plow through the wall of stout muscle that blocked you from your prospective patient, you realized you might have to.

The soldier looked like he wanted to say something more, when an authoritative voice broke through the ranks. “Let the man through! We have lost too many as is without losing another to a few hours of games.”

Every head snapped in the direction of whoever spoke. All except yours. The second you saw a gap in the crowd, you slid through and fell to your knees beside the drowned man, the one you determined to save.

First thing you did was check for responsiveness. It was out of habit mostly. A tap on the shoulder, a shout, another tap. He didn’t respond, that was unsurprising.

When you checked for a pulse, you found none, so you began chest compressions. Placing your hands together on his chest, arms straight, you began to push. The rhythm came to you naturally — you had made sure to pay attention in class, and this wasn’t the first time you had done this. Despite the fact that you knew no support was coming, that if you couldn’t get this man back by yourself, he would die, your head remained clear.

Do not lose sight of your goal, do not lose hope, go until you can’t anymore.

After thirty compressions, you took a deep breath, pinched his nose shut, and tilted his head back, placing your mouth over his. You heard a few gasps, and even a cry of disgust as you pulled back to push another breath into his lungs. Determined to pay the growing crowd no mind, you placed your hands on his chest and began to pump his heart again.

This went on for… like with your nap, you didn’t know. All you knew was that you were drenched in sweat, your arms were sore, and your breath coming out in harsh pants. Thirty more compressions, you inhaled a ragged breath and pushed oxygen into his lungs once more. If this didn’t work, you’d have to call it.

There was a hand on your chest, shoving you away, a watery cough filling your mouth with spittle before the drowned man flailed back to life. You didn’t take offense to the harsh treatment. He had woken up to a kiss. That would startle anyone. You rolled him over on his side and rubbed his back as he hacked up a lungful of murky water and whatever he had eaten for breakfast.

“You’re back,” You muttered softly, as comforting as you could. “Breathe. Slow and steady. It feels good to be back, doesn’t it?”

The man met your eyes, his own a startling shade of honey, a confused, but grateful, smile on his lips. “I thought I was gone.”

“Yeah, we all thought that!” A soldier with a shaved head nudged him roughly with his toe. “Medicus here worked a miracle with his lips.”

A hand reached down to clasp your shoulder, shaking you firmly, if not playfully. You looked up to see a man with floppy blond curls grinning down at the man you just saved, his lips pursed. “The kiss of life!”

You let a small, uncomfortable laugh titter from your mouth. Being surrounded by so many people was awkward, and their banter was even more so. You felt entirely out of place. Rather than focus on that, you fixed your attention back on the man you saved.

“What’s your name?”

“Sextus Aelius,” He answered, voice hoarse.

With a small smile, you gestured to another soldier to hand you a nearby tunic. Sextus — you wouldn’t laugh about his name, you wouldn’t — had begun to shiver, even in the hot sun, and you wanted to keep him warm. Not to mention he was still naked. You tried not to study him too much, focusing on the sharpness of his jaw and the gentle slope of his nose rather than his nudity.

“It is a pleasure to meet you, Sextus, I am—” You were cut off by a cacophony of noise, a few whistles interspersed within. A bit of heat rose to your face when you saw Sextus’ bewildered expression. “I fear I have made a blunder.”

To your relief, he merely laughed. “Aelius. Call me Aelius.”

“Right. I apologize, Aelius. How do you feel?”

Once you had given him the tunic, he slipped it on over his head, covering his modesty — not that anyone but you seemed to care all that much about it. When he stood, two men came to his side to steady him. Despite this, he still offered you his hand. It would be rude to deny him, though you didn’t feel comfortable accepting help from a man who had been, by many’s standards, dead a few minutes before. You gave him a small smile and pushed yourself to stand on your own.

“I could be better.” His grin was lopsided, the boyish kind that showed off his teeth. It was endearing enough for you to be proud of saving a good man, rather than a mere man. When he spoke next, there was no small amount of awe in his voice. “You saved my life, I am not sure if that is something I can repay.”

A snort pulled from your throat as you waved him off. “No repayment necessary, I only did what needed to be done.”

Aelius looked about to argue when he paled, his gaze flickering behind you. There was a creeping sensation of unease crawling up your spine, similar to when you had earned your parents displeasure. Standing behind you was a presence, one with enough authority to cause the men around you to stand at attention.

Thankfully, it didn’t seem directed at you. For now.

“What is the meaning of this, boy? I allow a bit of slacking off and you go and die on me?” It was the voice from before, the one who commanded his men to let you through. Taking a guess, you’d say this man was the centurion leading this particular century back to Rome. You didn’t dare look behind you, you didn’t dare move. Anything to keep his frustration off of you. It didn’t last long. A large hand clasped you on the shoulder, grip firm, but not harsh. “And to be saved by a foreigner! You should be on your knees thanking him for whatever trick on the gods he played at your behest.”

“That is unnecessary,” You tried to argue, only for the centurion to give you another shake.

“A humble medicus at that! Lucky boy! Very, very lucky!” He let go of you and gestured for Aelius to be taken elsewhere. “To the tents with you while I think of a suitable punishment. No man has died and lived to tell the tale on my watch, so I must be creative.”

Aelius, at least, looked ashamed, though the man with the floppy blond hair leaned down to whisper in his ear, a smirk dancing on his lips. Whatever was said earned him an elbow to the ribs. Men never change.

Before they could get too far, you found your voice. “Monitor him through the night! Fetch me if he stops breathing again!”

It was only once you heard the affirmative did you relax. Which lasted a moment before the centurion turned you around so you were facing him. His gaze was hard and his arms were crossed over his chest. Unlike the men before, the centurion was wearing his full armor, save for his helmet, another thing you were thankful for. You were not easily intimidated, but this man? He could crack you like a peanut.

After a moment of sizing you up, his eyes trailing from your clothes, so different from his own, with trousers instead of a tunic and a graphic t-shirt in an alphabet he knew, but words he couldn’t understand, to your green dyed hair. He didn’t seem impressed. In fact, he seemed suspicious.

“Lucius Marianus.” Unfurling one of his hands, he held it for you to shake.

With an awkward smile, you took his hand and introduced yourself. His grip grew a bit tighter at the sound of your obviously foreign name. You fought the urge to run away.

“A pleasure, Marianus.” This time, you called him by his second name, determined not to make the same mistake as earlier with a less forgiving man.

“Where are you from?” Quick and to the point, you could respect that. Logically, you knew that this wasn’t real, that ultimately, this was your dream and you held all the power, but there was a little voice in the back of your head telling you to be careful. “Are you a citizen, a slave, or a free-man?”

Licking your dry lips, you let your hand fall to your side, shoving it in your pocket before Marianus could see that you had begun to shake. “I am from a country far away. Across the western sea, farther than any have ever gone. I am a citizen of my country, but not of Rome, and I am no slave, so I suppose that makes me a free-man.”

“You suppose?” He pursed his lips and raised an eyebrow. “Well, I ‘suppose’ I won’t assume you’re a liar and a runaway. If I hadn’t just witnessed that…” Marianus paused, searching for the right word, and you hoped it would be one you recognized. “Technique of yours, I would figure just that. Tell me, medicus, what exactly did you do to one of my men?”

“I, uh…” Your tongue felt too big for your mouth. Whatever answer you gave this man, it better be satisfactory. All you could hope for was that the truth would be enough. “His heart was no longer beating, so I pressed upon his chest as hard as I could in the same rhythm that his heart would take.”

Marianus nodded, his expression contemplative. “And the kiss?”

“It was not a kiss!” The words burst forth before you could stop them, your face flaring even hotter. This entire conversation was reminiscent of one you would have with your father, and Marianus’ disapproval was getting to you more than it should. “I was breathing air into his lungs. I inhale, pinch his nose shut so the air doesn’t escape through his sinuses, and then blow into his mouth. If his chest rises, I am doing the procedure correctly.”

“Still, an intimate gesture to bestow upon a stranger.” His lips twitched upwards ever so slightly. You got the feeling he was teasing you now. “From what I can gather, this technique of yours mimics the functions of life in order to coaxe the spirit back into its vessel.”

You blinked, opening your mouth to argue with scientific facts. A beat passed before you snapped your jaw shut with an audible click. Better to not look a gift horse in the mouth. “I, uh, yes. It does. That is exactly it. You are a very intelligent man, Marianus, perhaps a career in medicine is calling your name.”

“Flattery will get you nowhere, medicus.”

An awkward grimace pulled at your lips. “Right.”

Marianus was both unmoved and undeterred by your lame response. You expected him to leave you be. After all, despite the fact that you saved one of his men from drowning, you were still an outsider to both the village, the army, and Rome. In your head, he owed you nothing, all you did was your duty and you expected nothing in return. Marianus seemed to think otherwise.

“Where have you been sleeping, medicus?” With a sharp nod of his head, he gestured to your duffel bag and drying clothes. “I assume outside in the heat considering how poorly you are spoken of in town. Looking and speaking as you do, it’s no wonder anyone is hesitant to even allow you to sleep in their barn.” Again, the edges of his mouth curled upwards. “You are far more useful than previously anticipated. For once, I am happy to have my assumptions proven false.”

“Um, thanks?”

“Fetch your belongings, there are more men waiting to be your patients back at camp.”

You blinked, dumbfounded, before a sharp raise of Marianus’ black eyebrows broke you from your spell. If there were more people to be treated, you didn’t have to be told twice. With a bit of pep in your step, excited to have something to do rather than waste away in tedium, you stuffed your, now dry, clothes into your bag and slung it over your shoulder. Marianus eyed it with no small amount of reservation.

“Do you carry any weapons?”

You thought about your taser and pepper spray tactically placed in an easy to reach pocket on the side. “No. As a doctor, I consider myself a pacifist.”

Marianus snorted. “A good way to die.”

“Better to die giving life than taking it,” You replied easily. This wasn’t a lie. While you didn’t fault other’s for violence — how could you fault human nature? — you would rather heal before harm. A part of you hoped to balance the scales, do enough good to make the bad seem worth it. It was a lofty goal, one you tried not to dwell on. So long as you managed to help even a single person in your life, you would be happy, though you’d never confine yourself to such a meager goal. “If you don’t mind me asking, do your men not already have a doctor to treat them? Why take on a stranger’s help?”

“We did. He is no longer with us.”

You frowned. “A shame. Lose one soldier, and you only lose one man. Lose a doctor and your losses double. I never met him, but I’ll remember him fondly.”

“You’re soft. It’s a shame.” His words made you raise your eyebrows, and, when you looked at him, there was pity in his dark eyes, though it was only there for a second.

Marianus clamped his hand on the back of your neck and began to steer you in the direction of the camp. With few trees in sight, only lush farms and tall grass, the countryside was a sight to behold. You glanced over your shoulder to see the river and the village disappearing in the distance. While the road the two of you walked on was dirt, it was well trodden, no stones or holes to trip over. This truly was the Roman Empire. How your mind managed to conjure an image so beautiful and so unmistakably alien was beyond you.

“Has there been anyone caring for the injured?” You asked.

“Our veterinarius has been doing what he can, though I don’t like it. These are men, not animals.” To punctuate his displeasure, Marianus spit on the ground.

You nodded placatingly as you approached the first cluster of tents. Some of the soldiers recognized you, though you didn’t recognize them in return. Word traveled fast when you save someone’s life, you supposed. “I’m sure he’s doing his best.”

“His best is not enough,” Marianus grumbled.

Before you could respond, the stench of infection and sick filled your senses. If you hadn’t done clinicals or worked in healthcare while you completed your studies, it would have caught you off guard. Instead of blanching, you took your last deep breath of clean air, and braced yourself as much as you could. Marianus almost seemed impressed by the determination on your face as you pulled back the flap of the tent, joining a frazzled looking man — the veterinarius, you assumed — in his rounds.

All you could do was your best, and you intended for that to be enough.

Even as a student, you had steeled your heart to the worst suffering had to offer. Growing up as you did, with parents more interested in results than feelings, it became all too easy to turn off your bleeding heart and do what was necessary. By now, it was as simple as breathing.

Your bedside manner was gentle as you helped a few men, too injured to move, drink water from a ladle. If you were any less busy, you would have insisted it be boiled. Marianus would likely scold you, it was unrealistic for an entire century to boil water for every sick man, let alone every soldier, no matter how sound your advice was. Posca would do for now, as it always had.

For hours, you worked tirelessly, cleaning wounds and calming fevers. You were lucky modern medicine wasn’t all that you studied. In order to help as many people as you could, you focused on ancient and holistic practices as well, though you had an easy preference for the tried and true methods. There was no denying that you were a medical prodigy, a genius for all intents and purposes. It wasn’t that you had an ego — well, maybe you did — it was the fact that it was the truth. You had graduated college before you had turned eighteen and gone through medical school soon after. Right now, you were the youngest student going through their surgical residency in your state, perhaps even the country if you dared to let your pride swell. All of this, your parents would call their doing, that you would be nothing without their guidance.

You grimaced in the middle of setting a skinny man’s broken arm. Better not think about them now, it would only serve to stress you out even further. For all your skill, you caught yourself floundering inside the medical tent, Marianus watching from the entrance as you flitted from patient to patient, and the veterinarius sitting back to take a much needed break. While you had some supplies on you — a stethoscope, a sphygmomanometer, a Taylor hammer, none of which you’d utilized yet, a bottle of antiseptic, some ibuprofen, and three clean syringes — it wasn’t enough for you to feel comfortable. Which was ridiculous, this was your dream, you could do whatever you wanted.

Then again, if that was true, then why were you fumbling through even simple procedures? You didn’t feel comfortable using more invasive methods, not unless you had no other choice. The likelihood of survival was low, even with your steady hands. Perhaps this was a nightmare, a look into what life will be like once you were done with your schooling. Your slumbering mind was preparing you to be the failure you were always meant to be.

Shaking your head, you focused your attention back on your patient. No one seemed to notice your lapse, not even you. You were quite good at multitasking, mixing self-deprecation with stringent work ethic like a talented seamster. The skinny man was lucky it was a clean break, and even luckier, it wasn’t his humerus, which would have been more complicated given your lack of equipment. A bit of sweat trickled down your forehead as you stood, surveying the men around you. You had done well given the circumstances, but you still couldn’t help but feel as though it wasn’t enough.

Nothing was ever enough.

Even dreaming, you felt tired.

Three men had infected wounds. One was oozing pus, which apparently was a good thing according to the veterinarius and Marianus, though you still took care to clean the wound thoroughly. Another man had a fever due to the infection, and, after washing your hands, you took care to clean it as the other. After much reassurance that it wasn’t poison to Marianus — consisting of taking one yourself — you also gave him an ibuprofen for his fever, though you decided you were going to ration them unless it was an emergency. The third man was a bit harder, enough necrotic tissue forming around the infection that you considered surgery. For now, you introduced maggots to the area, a treatment Marianus seemed to approve of, if not with some disgust. In the morning, you would check the wound, and then surgically remove the decayed flesh if the maggots didn’t do enough.

Four men had broken bones, one, his arm, another, his finger, and two, their leg. That was simple enough, if not time consuming getting all the bone fragments to set properly. While you would have much preferred a cast to a splint, beggars couldn’t be choosers.

That wasn’t even to mention the handful of other men with various ailments that filled the tent. Apparently there was someone quarantined elsewhere, suffering from dysentery. According to the veterinarius, the treatment for that particular disease was rest, fasting, and dehydration, which you were in the middle of giving him strict instructions to keep the man as hydrated as possible, it didn’t matter how quickly he discharged it, he needed to be drinking as much water as he could. You didn’t hold out much hope he’d make it, though you’d be damned before you gave up on someone who needed you.

It wasn’t until Marianus clamped his hand on the back of your neck and began to steer you towards the tent’s exit did you realize how exhausted you were. Your eyes burned and your head throbbed. If you were any less of a man, you would have taken one of your ibuprofen to ease the dull ache in your temples. Ultimately, you decided against it. If there came a time when they were necessary and you had run out because of your own weakness, you would never forgive yourself.

“You did well, medicus. Better than I expected, you are very skilled at what you do,” Marianus said as he led you deeper into camp. By now, it was dark, well into the night too judging from the full moon directly overhead.

How long had you been working?

“Thank you. I am usually better than that. I fear my nerves of being in such an unfamiliar country are getting to me.” With the heel of your palm, you scrubbed at your face.

Marianus frowned down at you. “Keep your foreignness to yourself, medicus and you will go far. Though, that will be hard to do with hair like yours.” He looked you up and down, hesitant curiosity creeping into his features. “That strange color… it is not natural, is it?”

A laugh bubbled from your throat. “No, I dyed it. Green is a color I am rather fond of.”

“I am fond of red, but you do not see me painting my hair that color,” He grumbled under his breath, and it reminded you so much of the comments some of your superiors made, that you giggled.

Before you could respond, he gestured to a tent with an outstretched arm. A lantern was on inside, casting the shadow of the single occupant, who was busy sitting cross-legged and writing what seemed to be a letter. While you had reservations of interrupting, Marianus did not.

“Out here, now, boy!” The shadow visibly jumped before pulling back the flap to reveal Aelius. He looked as tired as you did, and truthfully, he stank to high heaven. You struggled not to wrinkle your nose so as not to offend him. Aelius seemed like a nice man.

“Sir?” Was all he managed before Marianus continued to bark his next set of orders.

“Since the two of you were acquainted earlier, and the fact that you were supposed to be monitored, you’ll be bunking together. In the morning, we set a course for Rome.”

You blinked. Did that include you? While you wouldn’t mind getting out of the village and seeing more of what this dream had to offer, you couldn’t help but feel a bit of uncertainty. There was no telling how long this dream would go on, nor how vast it was. You couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if you strolled ‘out of bounds,’ so to speak. Would you be trapped in an infinite void until you awoke? The thought was enough to send a chill down your spine.

“And I will remain here,” You finally said.

Marianus barked out a laugh. “No. You will join us. I still have a use for you.”

As much as you didn’t want to abandon your current patients, you would rather not push your luck any further than you already had. Crossing your arms, you met Marianus’ furrowed brows with your own. “And that use would be?”

To your right, Aelius made a little noise. Your gaze flickered over to him, catching his motion for you to cease, before you ignored it and fixated back on Marianus. He was looking at you like you’d lost your mind. At least enough to question him. A bit of discomfort made your skin itch, you always hated earning the negative attention of a superior.

For a moment, you feared that Marianus would yell at you until the sun rose. He puffed up, shoulders squaring and his lower jaw jutting out before he deflated with a sigh, pinching the bridge of his angular nose. “You are too soft for the army, medicus, and you are too foreign to hope to set up your own clinic, especially without citizenship. There is very little hope for you in the Empire.”

You looked away, feeling cold even as a summer’s breeze blew against your skin. An argument began to boil in the back of your throat, an insistence that this was a dream, so none of that mattered, but you managed to swallow that poison before it could spew out of you.

Marianus paused, waiting for you to respond. When all he received was a defeated look, he continued, “There is, however, hope for both me and you. The emperors require a new physician and I believe they would be taken by your skill and your…” He looked at your hair again. “Novelty. In return for discovering you, if they choose to take you on, me and my men will be rewarded.”

“I see,” You muttered. Perhaps this was the route your dream wanted you to take. At the end of it all, there was sure to be a lesson or even a vision of sorts that could help you in reality. All you had to do to get it was allow the plot to pull you forward. “And Rome is not far?”

Marianus’ features softened, bordering on fondness, guilt, and pity. “Barely a day’s march, medicus.”

“I will go, then. To Rome with me, I suppose.” Though you smiled, when you turned to Aelius, he stared at you as if you’d been sentenced to death.

—��———————————-

Tag list: @snazzynacho

[light-of-delphi]

On Worshipping Lord Apollo;

I've decided to start a little series about the deities I worship, have worshipped, and will worship in the future. I've always found posts like these to be more helpful and, if I can help anyone, I think this is an amazing way to to so. In this post, I'm going to cover a lot, so buckle up! And I will make a master post for all of the posts I make in this series.

First up! Lord Apollo.

Hands down, he is the deity with whom I have the most experience and personal anecdotes. Apollo has been in my life since the very beginning. I go into a little bit more detail in this post, in which I detail how I view him as a worshipper, my patron, and a godspouse. For information's sake, however, I will try to keep this post a little bit more factual than UPG. UPG stands for "Unverified personal gnosis", which refers to a spiritual belief that stems from intuition or personal spiritual experience. So, while UPG may seem to line up with mythos or just "make sense" for the deity, it varies from practitioner to practitioner and from relationship to relationship. With that being said, I'll focus mostly on the facts with some little bit of advice thrown in from your older brother :)

Correspondences!

First, let's talk correspondences. Consider this a little cheat sheet if you will.

☀︎ You can refer to him by Apollo / Apollon, typically he will clarify which. Many regard him as "Lord Apollo/n", though it is fully dependent on your relationship with him. I drop the Lord unless I'm praying or invoking him, such is the nature of our relationship. For the sake of this post, I shall be referring to him formally as Lord Apollo.

☀︎ He has... a lot of epithets. You can view them here (theoi.com) if you'd like to see a full list.

☀︎ Apollo is typically associated with Sunday, and such is associated with the Sun.

☀︎ He has many sacred animals - The raven, dolphin, swan, mouse, and wolves.

☀︎ Tarot-wise, he is associated primarily, and most commonly, with The Sun. He has also been associated with The Star, though I do not see this one in many sources.

☀︎ He is the God of a plethora of things. The Sun (he is responsible for pulling it across the sky), Light, Poetry, Music, the arts, plague, prophecy, logic and reason, truth, beauty, agriculture, and archery. I am sure I'm missing things. And if you know other deities to be associated similarly, that is okay. Many Gods can share domains and rule over certain things.

☀︎ He is associated with the colors red, white, orange, yellow, and gold!

☀︎ Symbolically, he is related to the Sun, the Lyre, the Bow and Arrow, and the Laurel Wreath.

☀︎ For incense, he is linked to frankincense, myrrh, cypress, clove, cinnamon, and bay.

But that is a lot of correspondence. What can we do with these? Why, I'm glad you asked! With this list of correspondences, we can start to worship Apollo by the book. These would be some more traditional things that would assist you in learning what you want to offer him, what to associate with him, and what you should keep an eye out for. In a later section, I go over some familial ties that can prove useful as well.

Apollo, as an individual

Lord Apollo has typically been regarded as a "beginner deity." He is very easy to work with, incredibly receptive, and is universally known as being a little more laid back with things such as offerings, prayer, and worship. Though I've found all deities to be understanding of circumstance, there is no strict schedule unless you decide to adhere to one.

At the start of our relationship, I found Lord Apollo's energy to be rather bright. I was very new to picking up on spiritual energy and the metaphysical, so his energy felt very overbearing, and we did not spend much in-person time together because of this. He was understanding of my limitations, but he did not hesitate to push these limitations as much as he could for my personal development. This is something he continues to do to this day.

While he does tend to carry himself rather relaxed and carefree, he has no issue being serious and stern whenever needed. If there were signs he was sending me and I would intentionally ignore them because they pointed in directions I did not like, he would respond sternly and ferociously, forcing me to face the negative sooner or figuratively shoving my nose in the signs so I couldn't avoid it. If I needed to face a brutally honest truth, he had no issue being brutally honest. This makes sense, considering he is the God of Truth and Knowledge.

Lord Apollo is also very playful. He's easily excitable. He loves seeing the people he works with make good progress. And if you take a few steps back, depending on your relationship, he is absolutely there to catch you. He is reliable and present. Additionally, he likes attention. He absolutely adores being talked about, thought about, referenced, and thanked. He adores being said good morning to, or even just getting a wave. Some people regard such deities as "high maintenance", but I really just consider it part of his character.

You have every right to decline to work with a deity, by the way. Don't feel as though there's any obligation to work with every deity that is considered "of your skill level", as there is no such thing, and you should only work with a deity once you are ready. The Old Gods do not come with stats above their head and white text that says "PREFERRED LEVEL." They are Gods. You should not get involved with them if you do not feel ready. And even if you feel ready, there is no pressure to invite them into your life.

Worshipping Tips!

This one is a bit lengthy. Apollo, being one of the twelve Olympians, has a lot of lore surrounding him. But this gives us a lot to work with! You can devote time to him in a lot of ways. This involves worshipping or leaving offerings to his family!

His mother is Leto, his father is Zeus, and his twin sibling is Artemis. Familially, he is not married to anyone, but he has had a series of lovers. One account says he was, at one point, a lover to Hekate and together they had Skylla, a sea monster. Though this is unusual. He was said to be a lover to each of the Nine Muses but married none. He fell in love with a myriad of nymphs; Aethusa who birthed Eleuther, Akakallis who birthed him twins Philanderos and Philakides, Daphne who was turned into a laurel tree, and more. There's famously Hyacinthous, a prince, who was accidentally killed. Hymenaeus, another prince, and Cyparisus, another prince, who died of grief and was transformed into the cypress tree.

This gives us a whole lot to work with. Especially for offerings! You can leave him a lot of things:

☀︎ Cypress tree leaves or seeds. ☀︎ Bay leaves ☀︎ Laurel leaves ☀︎ Sun imagery - charms, pictures, drawings, anything. ☀︎ Crystals - Sunstone, citrine, tiger's eye, amber, bumblebee jasper, orange selenite, carnelian, and other yellow, red, or orange stones. ☀︎ Coffee, energy drinks, or anything with caffeine in it. ☀︎ Citrus! Oranges and lemons! Grapefruit! ☀︎ Flowers - Hyacinths, sunflowers, orange roses, larkspur/delphinium, palm, aloe, or any plant that reminds you of him. ☀︎ Instruments - String instruments are the main thing people offer, however you can offer him any instrument. ☀︎ Art - Things you made. Drawings, sculptures, compositions, poetry, paintings, song lyrics, photography, literally anything you made with your two hands.

In terms of what you can do to worship him, there are a few things you can do.

☀︎ Maintain your physical and mental health. Go to the gym, take your medicine, and positively affirm yourself. ☀︎ Sing for or with him. Play an instrument. Learn an instrument! ☀︎ Write short stories or poetry. ☀︎ Go outside and bask in the sun for a little while. ☀︎ Say Good Morning and Goodnight; Thank him for pulling the sun across the sky. ☀︎ Write about him. ☀︎ Draw him offerings, or draw in his honor. Create in his honor. ☀︎ Do a paint-and-sip class, or follow a Bob Ross tutorial. ☀︎ Pick up a new creative hobby. ☀︎ Volunteer at a local hospital or nursing home. ☀︎ Grow some of the plants that are sacred to him! ☀︎ Go to your local museum or art gallery. ☀︎ Support small artists! Support local artists! ☀︎ Create a hymn in his name and honor. ☀︎ Wear jewelry with his symbols on it. I wear a sun necklace! ☀︎ Wear perfumes or colognes that are citrus-scented or scented like any of his preferred incense.

At the end of the day, you can really do whatever you want for Lord Apollo if it reminds you of him. And you can give him whatever you want, so long as it reminds you of him. If you think that it may not mean anything to him, let me give you a bit of brotherly insight. Offerings were left for The Old Gods as a thank you. A form of appreciation for the divine from the physical, mortal plane. People left whatever they had. And if they had nothing, they would pray and hope to be heard. While offerings are not optional, remember that your words count, as well. Even if it seems small.

And if you have any questions, as usual, please ask!! I love talking about Apollo. Not only am I godspoused to him but he's one of my biggest hyperfixations and I absolutely love talking about him and spreading his teachings and information on him. So this is me begging you to ask me questions, ask me anything, literally anything in the comments or in my inbox I will eat it up. Maybe I'll open up a brotherly advice box or something. Non lo so, ma vedremo!

Blessed be, and may the sun be your guide! A domani!

[kanmom51]

Hi, I really like your rational views on KM and I'd love to hear your opinion on the following. Forgive me If you've already touched upon it, but something you said in a previous ask made me perk up.

Some people believe that whatever content comes out of Jikook's NY/CT trip will diminish its value as being 'real' jikook content. That the sharing of it with ARMY instantly makes it 'fanservice', instead of something for them (are people forgetting abt GCFT?) real moments. What in your eyes would still make it special?

I'm of the belief that they are idols living semi public lives. Even when they're working they'll have moments that are special for them. Those moments also happen to further their special bond. A bond that ARMY feeds off of. Can we still call that fanservice when they've essentially had a workplace romance? Where do you think the boundary lies for them?

They have yet to share anything about their trip, and maybe they're not doing that because 1. It's private, 2. It's future content, 3. Maybe both?

Thanks a million!

"Some people believe that whatever content comes out of Jikook's NY/CT trip will diminish its value as being 'real' jikook content. That the sharing of it with ARMY instantly makes it 'fanservice', instead of something for them (are people forgetting abt GCFT?) real moments."

Before I start here, I just want to clarify that I neve said that.

I don't think you are saying I did, and yet there might be those that misunderstood my words?

I was saying that they had a private trip in the guise of a work one. That the purpose was private, their own, all while it will be disguised as creating content, because in this place in time it's the best they could do.

Now that we have that cleared, I'm on to your ask.

I personally don't think that them releasing content from their trip will diminish from it. It's all about what that trip meant to them, not what it proves or disproves to us.

You do get the difference, right?

Even in the very very little we got (saw or heard) from their trip, they were enjoying themselves. Btw, at the stop&shop they were on their own. Even if there was a crew with them, even if they were filming some of it, it most definitley wasn't all of it. It was their trip and I'm assuming that they got to decide what will be filmed and turned into content and what will be theirs and only theirs. They got to experience time together, just the two of them. They got to get away, just before their schedules turn crazy. They got to do this before the looming enlistment. I'm sure it meant the world to them. And if creating some content was a price to pay for it, then they were ok to pay it. But in no way does it diminish from the importance of this to them.

As for what this proves or disproves, well that's a question that those who don't believe or want to accept they are a couple raise to create doubt. And truthfully one we shouldn't be paying any attention to, because it's downright stupid. They created content, so what? They also travelled and enjoyed themselves and were giggly happy and if anyone claims this was forced on them for content purposes they are outright dumb. I will ask them another question. What other 2 members have EVER done this kind of thing? Travel together, like a couple, not for the first time, to create content?

I'm kind of sick of the fanservice narrative. As a whole, every content released is fanservice, to an extent. Not the "we are creating a fake moment because the fans might want it" kind of fanservice though. BTS mostly doesn't do that. I've talked about this a lot in the past. Releasing content the fans like doesn't make it fake or unreal. And documenting their trip and sharing parts of it with us doesn't make their bond and love and enjoyment of each other any lesser.

When we travel and document and share with family and friends, are we doing it for them or for us? Yes, it's not exactly the same, but you can take from it. JK has done it in the past, it's not something strange or new to him. GCFT was a masterpiece and all about his private trip with JM. A very important trip for the two of them. Was GCFT fanservice? Fuck no!!! It was JK letting us see a glimpse of them, of his love for JM, of their trip together. JM also posted his vlogs, and they weren't fanservice either, just him sharing a little more discretely, or more so less obviously.

So, conclusion, sharing parts of their trip (I really don't think this will be a BV or ITS type of content, more like a trip vlog), is not fanservice (not fake) and did not diminish from the importance of the trip for the two of them.

You ask if it can be fanservice when it's a workplace romance. Well, again, we are back to what the actual definition of fanservice is. And the thing is when it's used by people when it comes to Jikook we know it's the fake, forced, ingenuine meaning behind it. So, to that I would say that if the feelings are genuine and they are acting on them, they are not fanservice in that perspective. Do some fans like it? Yes they do. Fact: in PTD LA when JK was hanging over JM at the end of So what, JM all flustered, JK being as loud as shit, the cameras, you know, those that are there to capture fanservice, panned away. Purposefully. I have 1001 examples of Jikook moments cut or Jikook moments in the background, them unaware of the cameras capturing them. Point being, they do what they do because they are who they are and that's their relationship, their bond, their dynamics, content or not. Their interactions. Their reactions to each other. They are all genuine. Not put on. Not fake.

If the fans enjoy them, so be it. But they are not created for the fans.

Get the difference?

And you ask about boundaries. Well, they are clearly set. Because they are a closeted queer couple and because they want a semblance of privacy as well. Both being the reason, btw, they didn't share being together on JK's birthday this year. The lack of a buffer might have made it too obvious this year (especially after JM's pic drop).

As for sharing from their trip, I'd say it's a combination of it being private and being future content. I do think we will get a little content from it, but it was a private and special trip for them, so there will be much untold.

What people fail to understand is that if this is future content, as in content that will be shared with us perhaps when they are away in the army, them creating this content together is huge and loud and telling. They are the only two within the group to do so. And if this is not a one of, as in there is more shared content, well...

[thekrows-nest]

🤔

Did Gabby almost get taken by supernatural creatures, or someone, hence now she's super cautious of her safety? Krow is giving similar vibes so she hates him and may correctly suspect questionable intentions with Dove. (Or does she dabble in divination and is only right some of the time? Is she more aware of danger due to cultural reasons?) She absolutely knows on a gut level that there's something off about Krow.

LT totally knows what's up and how to deal with Krow, having dealt with similar before, hence why Krow is so uncharacteristically nervous of LT. I think they both know what Krow is now. Maybe that's how he even finds out. They maybe tell him either accidentally or to make him leave Dove alone.

Or maybe LT is like Tam Lin in that Gabby rescued him. Or he chose to leave to be with her.

The reason I asked about LT's physical characteristics being a clue is that I thought they hinted at him previously being aquatic.

But LT's aesthetic really says fae, elf or nymph to me.

His winged boots though look like those of Mercury the messenger. Is he mediating between the mortal world and the gods??

Also you said that Gabby may take Dove to her family or to LT's parent, and that Krow would try to follow... obviously that implies that LT would stop Krow himself, but also perhaps where Dove goes is somewhere Krow can't follow. Perhaps it's a special place.

Is it Under The Hills to the fae court? A remote place in the woods?

Or the underworld?

I'm also wondering if LT is something entirely different that's the natural enemy of Krow's people. Or - in a very specific case - is so similar to/familiar with certain stuff that he can recognise another one.

I'm wondering if LT is a type of bird known to attack [Krow's kind] and win.

LT is also giving some Persephone aesthetics so I'm wondering if he's similar to Zagreus. Who was reborn as Dionysus, associated with Pan and Gaia... and fauns/satyr who are known to abduct women.

I'm also thinking on the folklore of the hulda.

Man fucking nothing beats waking up and seeing a Krowspiracy novel ask in my ask box. Bless. Fucking bless. Thank you for the food.

*cracks knuckles* I'll put under a read more cause this will get long.

You more or less nailed it, so I'll go ahead and clarify a couple things. Starting with Gabby.

I forgot if I mentioned it or not, but Gabby is terrified of ghosts and monsters. She does a much better job at keeping her shit together than her Gabe counterpart though. This in part due to an experience in her childhood. She had witnessed... something, as a small child. Even she is not entirely familiar with what it was, but she was put in actual danger due to it. What had saved her was her guardian.

Gabby is a part of the Quileute tribe. Part of their beliefs is that each person has their own guardian that they look to and pray to for guidance, protection, that sort of thing. This guardian had protected Gabby that fateful day. But on the flip side, she's become... much more aware of things, mostly at a subconscious level, than the typical person. Even so, she just knows things that she cannot wholly explain as to why.

LT totally knew on sight something WAS UP with Krow, but he may not have known immediately what that deal was. A bit of research, a little digging and LT would figure it out. And even if he can't, he... has sources of which he can go to to get hints.

And you got it. LT is... something fae. But in a twist of things (mainly my own spin) he's not... what most may consider "fae". He's not fae like the Victorian's thinking of cute, whimsical creatures. He's a bit closer to being like the old stories of the Fair Folk; other worldly beings that live lives so differently than mortals.

No LT is more... fae as in... an eldritch abomination. Fae as in no mere mortal can possibly comprehend the true grasp of what LT's deal really is. Fae in that there are just some things about the universe humankind can't and won't ever know and understand.

If there were a hierarchy mmm... LT would be on the "prince" level.

If Krow had more access to his... uhh, dealings, then things could get REAL interesting between him and LT

But yeah. LT is actually a fae flavored horror cosplaying as human. He doesn't have malicious intentions with Earth or anything. It's general, genuine, honest... curiosity. And of course meeting and loving Gabby gives him reason to stick around.

LT has explained this more or less to Gabby. She wasn't really. Shocked. Probably said something like "No shit. No human being has your fashion sense." but on a more serious matter, she was given time to process this and LT let her come to a decision to continue being with him or not. Obviously she chose to stay with him. He would earnestly respect her decision regardless.

But the other theories you mentioned are super cool too. I always love getting your asks cause you make me think and have to rub my two lone brain cells together fjddk;fvgb

[jasper-tarot-reader]

Heyo! I'm here with the feedback. My brain works in weird ways and I kinda sorta have a practice that I'm still developing (with correspondingly spotty knowledge/ideas/beliefs/etc), so this rambling I'm about to do may get weird or TMI. Sorry in advance.

So my first thought was that there was a lot of fire, which I thought was interesting because I was vacillating between air and fire when sending the ask. Tangentially, but related, I ended up looking at my natal chart for the first time in a while the other day because my friends were talking about it and air and fire are the two most present elements in it (4 each, with water and earth being 1 each). I don't really put much importance on astrology in my daily life/etc, but I think it's a good enough tool as part of a wider knowledge base.

Moving on, I find the first section interesting because yes, I have kind of been in survival mode recently. I do criticize myself for not living up to the goals I set. I'm also trying to train myself out of thinking/ shift my thinking away from "value = productivity" and/or "self-worth = achievement." I have been going to therapy for a couple months (first time I've gone for real (long story) in my life) and that was a topic semi-recently, but after I had that realization, I can see how the belief is baked in to almost everything I do and is really screwing with me in several areas of my life.

Related to survival mode, I think, is the Devil. My first (and thusfar only) tarot deck is Maggie Stiefvater's Raven's Prophecy tarot. The Devil in her deck is depicted as a mask - basically, sort of a 'you are your own worst enemy' kind of thing. The actual mask part of her depiction, as well as how she says (paraphrasing) "the mask can become part of you if you don't check yourself," is what I was thinking of in relation to me masking as an autistic person - especially as someone who only just realized semi-recently that they're autistic.

Reading Kauvara's wiki(?) page was interesting as well. The whole "family business thing" relates to my goals, actually. I recently decided to become a teacher... just like my mother, after saying my whole life that I didn't want to/ wasn't going to - especially if what I saw/heard from her was any indication of what teaching was actually like (and the fact that I despised (and despise still) being seen as a mini-her since she's... not great). My aunt is also a teacher, and my maternal grandmother wanted to be a teacher but was unable to. I was recently thinking, actually, that I wasn't sure if I wanted to continue on with the classes I need for my certification. I only briefly thought about nixing it entirely; mostly, I was just thinking about belaying it until I had more funds built up, since I'm paying for it myself on what's basically contractor work (substitute teaching). Aside from money, I do actually have a lot of resources for this goal specifically (aforementioned mother as well as previous teachers that I'm still in contact with, especially since I quite frequently substitute teach at the school that I went to high school at).

Now, the other goals that I have... I wonder if that's where the "are you too focused on potentially wrong thing" is. I've been really focused on these classes to get my certificate since I saw that as The Way to get to my other goals (get the hell out of this house, chiefly) since it's a job that I'd be most likely to get pretty much anywhere I want (I've had trouble finding a job since high school, to clarify. I'm now post-college). I've only been halfheartedly trying to find a more stable job (substitute teaching is great... but dependent on teachers being out, which is not guaranteed) or some sort of ""side hustle"" or whatever to supplement my fairly decent but not consistent pay. So, basically, I should probably be focused on things that bear more fruit in the short term, instead of pouring everything and then some into something that's going to take at least a year, if not more, to come to fruition.

(Ironically, I made a note to look into SMART goals again because I remembered it was a pretty good way to go about actually reaching goals but not any of the actual specifics. I literally wrote "research SMART goals" on my to do list today, before I saw that you'd done the reading.)

And for the last part... yeah. With my question I kinda figured that it was going to be a "if shit's fucked it's because you're the one who created that possibility" kind of thing. The "new alliances or deals can be formed" thing makes me think of what I was thinking about recently in consolidating/refinancing (whatever the actual correct terminology is) my student loans, specifically the private ones with exorbitant interest rates I had to take out because my mother refused to be a cosigner. I did fuck up the other day with my federal student loans - I reached the end of the deferment/forbearance/whatever it's actually called that I'd applied for when I was unemployed, so I applied for an IDR finally, but vastly overestimated how fast they would process it and had to scramble to pay for this month and in the process earned my mother's ire (asked her for the amount since I'd given her over half of my previous paycheck, which was more than I needed for the payment).

Ah. Writing this I just realized there's technically a connection with Kyne being "the Mother of Men and beasts" to my bullshit. I have frequent trouble with my mother (delightful flavor of emotionally abusive helicopter parent) but I live in her home in what I would definitely call an "alliance," even if she wouldn't. Issues with her are... about 50% of the time caused by me getting annoyed with something she did/said/etc and pissing her off (not intentionally needling her or anything, but, well) leading to said IssuesTM. Additionally, of those former teachers I mentioned, there's one who I would call a mentor (that I haven't really talked to in a while, so that would probably be "old allies can return and assist") and she's pretty much a mother figure to me as well.

I think that's about it? Anything else... idk, maybe some connection between Kyne being a Norse-look-alike goddess when I've been looking into/ learning about Germanic paganism (among other things) re: learning about my ancestors, etc? But I think that's of lesser importance (unless it's something like another flag towards family troubles in relation to my goals).

That's all I can think of. Hopefully it's helpful!

Fascinating, thank you for returning with feedback! I'm sorry you're in this much of a pickle, but I'm glad my reading was able to shine a light on the important bits for you. Most importantly, thank you for volunteering as a test subject for the Three Kings Divination so I could test it! I wish you the best, especially on the financial front. Loans are a bitch and a half, especially when someone refuses to help you with them.

~Jasper

[fact-anonymous]

I'm an introject of a historical figure who was, undeniably, on the wrong side of history. I've mostly accepted that my source was an awful person, & don't feel too bad about it. The only thing that gets to me still is how I can't be open about myself as an introject. I'm too nervous about how others will perceive me. I know many people who say they accept introjects "of all sources", even "problematic" ones. But I'm scared that, even if they won't admit it, there's a limit to how "problematic" my source can be before they start to disrespect me & my system. I fear that people will accuse me and/or my headmates of sympathizing with my source or his beliefs, as if all introjects are formed out of adoration, or because their sources bring comfort to the system. I formed because my system was exposed to information about my source while we were stressed due to new responsibilities. Our brain felt we needed someone new to cope with all of the new stuff we had to due, felt it would be easier to copy something than to make someone from scratch... and now here I am. But of course, people won't assume that. They'll assume someone in the system must like my source, why else would an introject form? And I shouldn't have to prove that that's not the case, I shouldn't have to explain my formation to someone to avoid accusations of sympathy with my source. What caused me to split should be my business & my business only.

It's not just the fear of what others will assume from me that's keeping me from being open, though, it's also the fact that my existence will make people uncomfortable. I've accepted that that's not something I can change, that there will always be people made uncomfortable by me, and they have just as much a right to be uncomfortable as I do to exist. But how I wish it wasn't the case! How I wish I could just say who my source is without having to worry if I'm making those around me uncomfortable! But it's too much of a risk in most spaces. Maybe some all Fact- spaces will be fine with me, but I still worry that others will be uncomfortable, even if they don't mention it to me. Of course, I want to believe that everyone does & should have a right to be open about who they are, but I feel as though I'm an exception.

The most specific I've ever benn about my source with anyone outside of the system is saying that my source is "a historical figure who was a bad person". Once I sent an ask to an ask/submission run introject themed blog (not saying who, I don't want anyone angry at them for this. They didn't mean anything by it, I'm sure.) in which I mentioned that my source was a bad person. They deleted the ask, and then made a post about "how bad they felt for fictives of villians, how hard it must be, poor you, but I accept you!, e.t.c. e.t.c." I had mentioned how my source was a bad person in a lighthearted manner, and I felt my tone demonstrated that I am no longer bothered by this fact. So what's with the pitying? And why did they assume that I'm a fictive? Is it just because fictives tned to be more common (or at least more visible) than factives? Or worse, is it because they didn't want to accept that the person sending them asks had a source whose actions have effected real people, not just fictional characters? Do they, even if it's just subconciously, see introjects (or, if we're being more specific, factives) as their sources, and assume that I must have, at some point, shared morals with my source? I ended up sending in a second ask clarifying: My source is a real person, & denying that he was wrong is irresponsible & just plain wrong, so I had to learn to accept it, which I have. Other than the ask I'm currently typing, that's the only time I've been that open about my source. And I fear that if I had to explain myself after only mentioning that my source was a bad person, how much more will I have to explain if I say how exactly he was bad? If I mention him by name? If I use my real first name, his first name, in the same place I mention anything about my source, & someone figures out who I am?

I'm sure there are people out there who I can be open around. But I believe it's too risky for me to find them. If I try finding people irl, & they don't accept me & decide to tell others, it can effect my life. If I try finding people online, & they don't accept me, they can screenshot it & there will always be a record. Hell, even if they don't take a screenshot there will likely always be a record on some server somewhere.

I don't know how to end this... essay? ...confession? It feels too personal to be an essay, but too long to be a confession, and I don't know what else it would be. Tag it as you see fit, I suppose.

-Blue

hi, Blue, thank you for your patience. accepting yourself is the first step to being comfortable with your existence, and i'm proud of you, happy for you, for doing it 💙

i understand, even if i can't relate, that it's difficult to show yourself in factive/plural spaces when your source has done atrocities. it's valid and really reasonable, imo, to be nervous about it. i'm sorry to hear that people haven't been accepting to you. that even "problematic" spaces haven't respected you. it's not fair that your sheer existence is so risky to show, and I wish it was easier. ;_;

They deleted the ask, and then made a post about "how bad they felt for fictives of villians, how hard it must be, poor you, but I accept you!, e.t.c. e.t.c." And why did they assume that I'm a fictive? Is it just because fictives tned to be more common (or at least more visible) than factives?

as for that blog thing. i don't understand why people use "introject" only for fictives, as if factives don't exist. and yeah, they're more visible, for sure. but people still shouldn't assume that introject always equals fictive.

Or worse, is it because they didn't want to accept that the person sending them asks had a source whose actions have effected real people, not just fictional characters? Do they, even if it's just subconciously, see introjects (or, if we're being more specific, factives) as their sources, and assume that I must have, at some point, shared morals with my source? I ended up sending in a second ask clarifying: My source is a real person, & denying that he was wrong is irresponsible & just plain wrong, so I had to learn to accept it, which I have.

It could be. and a lot of people think it is, i think it might be the effect of capitalism (and stereotypes). where consuming media defines your identity and morality. it manifests in people saying "you're a bad person if you buy from amazon" "you're immoral if you like villains" or "you can't be gay because you don't listen to music that white american gay people like". so they always see introjection as based on media/source consumption, and consumption is based on interest/fandom/comfort, and thus based on support. because that's the stereotypes of plurals - "hyperfixation means introjection". which is NOT true for so many systems!

(we don't split as we're walk-ins, but know you are not alone. a lot of us don't come here based on fandom/interest/comfort... hell, some don't even come from consumption of the associated sources - as in, the brain doesn't know the media/person. we're just here. some of us even make the brain extremely uncomfortable.)

also,, a lot of people have this thing about shame. that we have to be ashamed for existing, have to beat ourselves up for our source's actions to be a Good Factive. but that is a very unfair thing to enforce. you shouldn't have to be ashamed for yourself or be pitied or patronized for your identity. i think it's good that you've accepted yourself and the fact that your source has been harmful to others 💙

They'll assume someone in the system must like my source, why else would an introject form? And I shouldn't have to prove that that's not the case, I shouldn't have to explain my formation to someone to avoid accusations of sympathy with my source. What caused me to split should be my business & my business only.

you are right. introjects do NOT only from from likes/interests/fandom/comfort/support. you are, and do not have to be, like your source morality-wise. your system's morality isn't like them. and you should NOT have to justify your existence and explain why you split. no one else but you is entitled to that info, and i'm glad you know that.

i hope this helps a little. also, I suggest @problematicfactive - they might be able to assist you more on this topic.

all the best, Blue, and please take care of yourself. know that you and your system deserve respect, no matter what.

-mod espresso

[urlocallsimp]

Believe victims first ❤️❤️❤️ ty for that statement. She had acid thrown on her face and there is other women and comments coming out. As a woman of latin origin, I feel he was just a very good manipulator and charismatic (Jonathan Meyers has a similar Charisma), which are sadly something very usual. Men nowadays use being humanists or feminists to desguise their misogyny/power trips, self serving!! I'm trying my best nowadays to mostly support and follow fellow women of color, eg mabel cadena (lesbian afaik).

Oh boy this turned out to be a pretty long reply but I just had to clarify where and how I stand w this situation. Just note that the 'you' in this is mostly used in a general way not specifically addressing you anon :) so here's my reply:

You absolutely don't need to thank me for that! It is my personal belief that as women it is our duty to stand with other women. I believe in believing victims first bc it's not about BELIEVING them blindily without proof in the sense of trusting they're being truthful but what that sentence means (to me at least) is STANDING with women, forming a defensive line protecting these victims from hate and showing solidarity, it is about sending a message to the patriarchal/sexist/misogynist world that we live in and the people (mostly men) that actively try to uphold it that way, that there is an equal force that is RESISTING IT and pushing back the silencing they're trynna impose on victims bc we see that they're trying to silence women and trying to pretend that SA doesn't happen and portray EVERY SA victim as a liar for money/attention. it's about SHOWING UP with ur morals and showing you are aware of these existent, continuous and repeated issues and you are against them. It is showing up bc it is an opportunity to fight.

I've seen the response of people to this situation throughout social media and it's mostly men immediately jumping to say it's another Amber Heard situation as if it's not a MEN situation, as if it's not that men are notoriously known for being shitty times and times again as if this issue doesn't happen and ALOT. So naturally, I'll side w women first (even if they turn out actual liars later on, bc yk what? men side with other men UNAPOLOGETICALLY, REGARDLESS IF THE MAN TURNS OUT SHITTY, THEY FIND WAYS TO VICTIM BLAME) but also bc I can SADLY EAAAASILY believe it happened, since it HAPPENS ALOT!! and if she's lying I DO NOT CARE, that's on her!!! That makes HER a shitty person, it doesn't change my morals or the way i approach these issues bc if one woman lies there are thousands others sadly not lying. And they're all accused of lying, not believed, attacked and bullied into retaliation, into shutting up, into fear, into reverting back to not daring say there is a problem in the world we live in, just so the system continues working in favor of men abusing and controlling women without any change or resistance! That's what I mean by standing w her, not bc i personally know her or that im 100% certain or convinced she's telling the truth but bc she's a fellow woman, bc it's a very REAL SERIOUS women issue that any of us can find ourselves in one day, it can happen to me, to u, to my sis, friends... Etc. Again, if she's lying that's on her and we can rest assured she'll be punished for it, if not judicially, then publically, i mean victims get punished for simply speaking, and are threatened with death, so let alone if it turns out they lied, have we not seen what happened to amber heard? All that public ridicule ??

And this supposed worry for him that she's lying and might ruin his career sounds so fake and soo 'awww men are the real victims in this world' to me bc hello!?!? R we living in the same reality or are u actively trying to pretend we're not living in a world that is biased towards men and protects abusive men. Have we not seen ezra miller strolling freely in the premiere of the flash like he's done nothing??

Men don't need you to defend them bc they're disproportionately at more advantage than the woman. + Counting the fact that SA is hard to proof + the fact that the court could be biased towards men in these situations. All of these factors stand against the women. U don't need to worry abt men. They seldom suffer consequences for their actions especially if they're famous and rich and have teams.. And if he turns out innocent and his career is damaged u better believe I'll be here rooting for him again and supporting him it's that simple.

Idk, this is how I see things, to me this situation is a typical man vs woman situation. I don't see it as a 'tenoch my beloved whom I wanna stay in denial about him VS someone who might be taking advantage of him'

And i wanna clarify that me standing w her is not an act of betrayal towards my previous love for tenoch (like some are actively trying to guilt his fans into) + if he is truly innocent and truly a feminist he'd actually understand, he'd know the importance of believing victims. As long as I'm not ACTIVELY hating on him or bullying him or being racist like some ppl are (which is fucked up). For now, I'm just absolutely NEUTRAL ABOUT HIM. My love and simping for him is just on pause until it is confirmed that he's absolutely innocent.

So, tbh about the second part of ur message about him being manipulative and all, I don't wanna engage in that, or in deciphering his statement or picking out red flags etc.. Bc people can see whatever they wanna see when they wanna see a fault, flaw or red flag.. Etc. Bc one day everything will be clear and we'll find out. As I said, I'm very neutral abt him for now.

To conclude, i stand w women the same way men (most) openly and actively and shamelessly stand with horrible men even after they were proven to be shitty, ex: andrew tate's fans. There is such a double standard that exists for women that many aren't aware they're falling for; Men can be soooooo easily flexible with their morals and support abusers whereas women have to absolutely make the most perfect rational logical CORRECT DECISIONS at all and any time. I choose to believe her simply bc she's my gender (at least for now) and if I'm wrong im wrong and we as women are allowed to be wrong. Men stand w men all the time even after they learn they're shitty. So, sorry I'm not sorry that I show up to my own gender the same way men (again most) show up unapologetically to their own gender.

And it's not an act of hatred towards Tenoch it's an act of defiance to the patriarchy/sexism/misogyny... It just happened to be a situation that involves tenoch in the mix.. But just bc i loved him alot, won't make me go easy on him (equally doesn't mean imma start bullying him). Neutral.

Anyways, wish you and everyone else safety and support throughout ur lives. Trust me as a North African (Algerian), the situation and men of my country aren't any better so I understand..

[perpetual-fool]

The good there is to be had

I've gotten far enough to see a pattern start to emerge. There are small, simple things which are mildly satisfying. And if the little things align, they allow for a bigger, more abstract thing. So like, I'm playing this zombie game. The pathing on the zombies is fairly rudimentary, they essentially just try to walk towards you in a straight line. But a consequence of this is that they can get hung up on doorways. So I want to get in a room, a zombie is at the door, I don't have an angle to attack them, and the moment I go in the door they'll bite me. This is an ambush. There's no code specifically making this happen, it's just a consequence of the pathing interacting with the map design. It's a bigger thing. Then the feelings; theoretically I like the like how the zombies more, and I like how the map looks. And then seeing patterns of how the zombies are interacting with the map is exponentially more satisfying.

And I've never been satisfied because I've never had all the foundations in place. Like with the zombie ambush, as the player I don't know how I can counter that. But theoretically if I keep smoothing over the rough edges on things that bother me eventually pieces will start to fit together and actually make something. So if I finally get to the 'correct' viola or guitar that should be a transcendent experience. Though in the meantime I have no idea if what I'm doing will ultimately amount to anything or not.

But this was the last obstacle in trying to reinterpret the reasons I feel bad about myself, so following up on that:

I left off at approximately 'pursuing happiness is evil because it results in bad outcomes'. I now have close enough to a good outcome to unpack that. It comes in three flavors: One, things don't work when I try to create something myself. Two, I can't figure out how to interface with the world. Three, people get upset with me when I try to build understanding with them.

One is mainly ignorance about the process described above, but is underpinned by two and three. I feel I should have achieved something already and feel I should already know what I'm doing and how to do it, which is wrong. Two is not really about the world itself, and is more or less underpinned by three. I get along fine with physics, such as with my modified pitchers which now almost never dribble. It's the stuff people have made which I can't mesh with. For instance, a frying pan with a flared rim for clean pouring, but the handle is very uncomfortable if held sideways, such as you might be doing when pouring. Am I supposed to be able to pour with this thing or not? I feel it must be somehow correct and I'm wrong for not being able to figure it out. That's mostly because that's the only scenario congruent with how others respond, virtually never explaining or clarifying anything at all and often getting upset for my asking at all. Three, to understand any subject I have to start from the fundamental concepts and build up from there, people are not an exception, people get upset when I ask for any underpinning information.

Others are wrong, obviously. I now know that this is the way to build understanding and connection. So they are theoretically mistaken in their apparent belief that all things are perfectly understood by invoking a reference alone, and about whatever it is that makes them think asking for information is some kind of horrible offense, I have no good explanation for that. Else, what I am and what they are are so far removed from each other that no moral judgment is meaningful. If happiness and understanding are evil to them, then I have no basis to know what it means to be a good or a bad person.

Reinterpretation, 'detached from reality and offended by learning' is a pretty steep problem to explain. My best explanation remains that it's all a conspiracy meant to keep me specifically from creating a functional understanding of the world. And morally, that would be a conspiracy to prevent me from doing good or feeling good about myself. This would imply a 'Truman show' or 'brain in a vat' scenario, this remains the best explanation I have regardless. Although, since my own experiences are the only reference point I have, I don't have any legitimate grounds to say those scenarios are actually unlikely.

Replacement: since that's not right, what is?

Understanding, is an iterative process of investigation and experimentation. It is good for the person doing the understanding, either directly from the satisfaction of understanding, or indirectly by allowing them to create more favorable outcomes. Understanding is between myself and the subject, as the claims and behavior of others may have no correlation with reality. (You might just say that other people may be wrong.) The same process should apply to understanding others; asking questions, making mistakes, whatever. But it doesn't, because others actively sabotage the process. Regardless, since it doesn't work with others, I shouldn't do it with others. And I shouldn't feel bad about the problems which arise from not being about to do that. The process is necessary and good even if others don't like it.

Happiness, is a gradual process of finding little satisfactions and assembling them into bigger satisfactions. And the whole thing is done blind, since you don't know if there's anything to know until you know it. So you have to just keep chugging along doing your thing and trust that eventually this journey will have a destination. And others' claims of what you should be feeling are wrong, and others' direction about what you should do to be happy is very probably wrong.

Lastly, value.

This is sort of the culmination of everything previously mentioned. I have a number of variations on feelings of being not good enough, not wanted, and deserving of suffering. I can more or less refute any specific reason given for that. But the core concept is "deserve" and I'm not sure what that means. I think it has to be underpinned by rewarding a desired behavior. Like how a dog 'deserves' a treat because they rolled over when you told them to. So theoretically people may be nice just because they feel like it, or because they're trying to manipulate your behavior. And then a concept like 'deserve' or 'earn' is like the dog thinking that getting a treat is some kind of objective rule, and if they roll over good then you are required by the rules of the universe to give them a treat. It sounds silly phrased like that, but I'm thinking of a clip where a kid from West Point was saying that meals are 'earned and not given'. So, 'deserve' is externalizing reward/punishment? As a side effect, I feel like anything unpleasant is punishment for not doing the right thing, and that every situation has a 'right' thing which I'm supposed to do.

Reinterpreting 'value', others commonly phrase their personal feelings as objective properties of the thing they have those feelings about. It's not just clumsy semantics, I've checked. This is probably for the purpose of manipulating others. It appears to them to usually work because others think largely the same way, and because they're bad at recognizing when and how others are thinking differently. And it goes very wrong with me because I think very differently than them. What they probably wanted was for my values to conform to theirs, all they achieved was to convince me my values are wrong. Bad outcomes are a result of ignorance and unforeseen or unavoidable circumstances, and since no one can be sure exactly what will happen until after it happens, no one is fundamentally culpable for misfortune they didn't want. Everyone is a victim of circumstance. And it's normal not to know what to do yet, you can't know before you know.

Replacing 'value', value is purely a subjective assessment of whether an individual does or does not like something. For myself, when considering whether I think something 'is' or 'is not' good, I should only consider whether it makes me happy (or makes me less unhappy). When faced with pseudo-objective claims like "you're a piece of shit", they should be reinterpreted as their subjective forms "this person is unhappy about me". Bad outcomes say nothing about one's character. Not knowing what to do is the necessary first step of learning, and doing the wrong thing is a stepping stone towards doing the right thing.

Now just have to try this out for awhile and see if it works.

[revclver-jesus]

I see, thank you for the answer! You are the expert, if only because you are pretty much the only person willing to talk about him in general tags, as opposite to a personal ramblings on one's own blog (as I assume is done by the most, including the yours truly)! It's a walkover, if you so modestly will :D

I just wanted to clarify that I don't find him dishonest (generally speaking, at least), nor manipulative (grief-distorted attempts at well-meaningness, more often than not) and I definitely do not consider his mannerism to be fake (because it is genuine, as nothing ever slips at the rare occasions in which he appears distraught!).

What I meant is rather that theistic religiousness is a faith in The God, while Nyx is an a god. A personification of like, 21th of December 2012, or whatever else. Her cult isn't even a religious cult, it's a doomsday cult! They talk of her as of an event, not a deity.

Anyway, it doesn't ultimately matter so thanks again for the explanation and satisfying my curiosity. And my apologies for keeping you late, haha 💔

(( Haha! Oh, yeah I guess that's true. I just always have tagged my headcanons and junk on and off in the tags, on the rare chance someone out there might care to see someone talk about him, so I'm glad I could offer some opinions you found useful!

Yes, I think I would describe him as... clever and opportunistic. He's charismatic, as Atlus calls him, and he uses that to get a response he wants from people, but he certainly believes what he's doing is right, earnestly so.

But, that isn't quite the right use of that term ( though, sorry if i'm just misunderstanding you ) but monotheism is the faith in a single god, polytheism is the religious belief in many gods, but both are theistic religions. So for example-- shintoism, Japan's major religion, is a polytheistic religion with a focus on nature and generalized spirituality, it has many gods that represent concepts. It most resembles the greek/roman religion of our real life Nyx. You can worship one god(concept) out of those gods and make a shrine specifically to them. In this instance, a shrine to the goddes of darkness. The Nyx Gathering, doomsday cult though it may be, would classify as a religion just as much as say, something like Scient/ology is a religion or doomsday religions throughout history. But they are all real religious beliefs. But a cult/religion-- both interchangeable terms mostly referring to the social acceptability of the belief-- doesn't even necessarily need a traditional deity to be a religion, which is why theistic religions have a separate classification. You can worship concepts, nature, a prophecy, a person, etc, without personifying those things into higher beings.

So I hope that helps too to make sense of why Takaya is seen as pious. But no !! Thank you for even reading all that nonsense I wrote last night tbh lmao ))

[mywitchyblog]

H

Hey, I saw your post and wanted to address a few things. I’ll go point by point to clarify my stance, and I hope this doesn’t come across as condescending—I’m just trying to spark a thoughtful discussion.

"Can we stop arguing about what is right and what isn’t right? Btw, right and wrong is a man-made concept. Does it truly exist? Right and wrong is simply majority prefers one thing and majority prefers something else."

I agree with you that "right" and "wrong" are human constructs. Morality isn’t an absolute—it’s shaped by culture, society, and personal experience. However, that doesn’t mean we can’t discuss it or challenge people’s perspectives. You’re correct in saying that majorities often dictate what’s considered "right" or "wrong," but the real conversation happens when we examine why these norms exist and who they serve. It’s precisely these discussions that reveal hypocrisy and double standards in communities like ours. If we never challenge the status quo, these flawed beliefs persist unchecked.

And just to clarify, I’m not "arguing" for the sake of it—I’m highlighting the abhorrent hypocrisy and double standards that should not even exist, especially when you consider how shifting works. Aging yourself up or down is the same thing. Yet, people—particularly teenage shifters—seem to treat these actions as if they’re fundamentally different.

To quote myself: "It’s like trying to apply chess rules to poker—you can’t just make up the rules as you go along to justify your own shifting decisions while dragging others." This inconsistency is exactly what I’m calling out.

Shifting, at its core, is about exploring infinite realities and choices. The moment people start applying arbitrary standards to justify their own actions while shaming others for essentially doing the same thing as them, they create a toxic environment based on double standards. That’s what I’m challenging here.

"But in this case, I’m talking about race changers, age changers…And whatever else. I personally stray away from it and the people who do it. But if you do it, okay? Am I supposed to care? I just don’t wanna speak with you."

You don’t have to care or associate with people who practice race or age changing. That’s entirely your choice, and I respect that. However, when people openly criticize or shame others for their choices while engaging in similar actions themselves, that’s where my issue lies. My point isn’t to force anyone to agree with me, but to point out the double standards—like those who criticize age-changing shifters but then turn around and do something similar themselves, like shifting to a reality where they’re much older with different life experiences. If you don’t want to engage, that’s fine, but it’s important to avoid hypocrisy when expressing opinions publicly.

"At the end of the day, what can we do about it? It's their reality. My opinion is, I don’t and won’t support it mostly. Mostly because I would age change myself, but to experience being a kid again and have a less shitty childhood. But other than that? No. And that’s okay. Again, it’s an opinion."

You’ve hit on an important point here—it’s about choice. If someone chooses to age change for personal reasons, like healing from a traumatic past or having a different experience, that’s their decision. But when others start criticizing this choice while justifying similar actions for themselves, we need to have that conversation. Opinions are fine, but when they’re rooted in inconsistent logic or double standards, it’s fair to question them. I don’t think anyone should be shamed for their choices as long as they aren’t harming others, but we should also be willing to look at our own reasoning and how it applies across the board.

"Why argue about it when it’s free will? You think your mean words will change what I think? Or that your mean words to someone who does support this will change what they think?"

This is where I want to address a fallacy you may not realize you’re using: the "appeal to free will" argument, which suggests that just because people have the freedom to do something, we shouldn’t discuss or debate it. Free will doesn’t mean actions are beyond critique. In fact, it’s through discussions like these that we can explore the deeper implications of our choices. My intent isn’t to insult or change people’s minds through forceful language, but to highlight inconsistencies, especially when people are being hypocritical. I’ve noticed that when I present my arguments kindly, they’re often dismissed, but when I adopt a harsher tone, people finally pay attention.

"Stop trying to change what people think."

I’m not trying to control or change what people think. My goal is to provide thoughtful information and challenge flawed reasoning, particularly when it’s based on fallacies. One example is the "slippery slope fallacy," which I’ll touch on in a bit. It’s not about changing minds forcefully; it’s about providing enough evidence and logic for people to reconsider their stances, especially if those stances are rooted in inconsistency or hypocrisy.

"However, I have a question for those who support race changers, age changers, etc. If that’s okay, because in your words, 'infinite realities mean infinite choices and so there’s a reality where you are such, and it isn’t wrong… And blah blah,' doesn’t that mean someone who shifts to murder someone isn’t wrong either?"

Here’s where I think it’s important to dive into the fallacies I mentioned earlier. Your question is a perfect example of a "loaded question" mixed with a "slippery slope fallacy." A loaded question assumes something problematic without allowing space for a nuanced answer—it’s like a trap. In this case, you’re equating harmless shifting choices with something extreme like murder, as if one leads to the other.

The slippery slope fallacy suggests that if one thing is allowed (e.g., age or race changing), it will inevitably lead to something extreme and unacceptable (e.g., shifting to commit murder). But that’s not how it works. The freedom to make choices in shifting doesn’t mean we’re throwing away ethical considerations. Most people, myself included, draw lines at harmful actions. Just because someone shifts to a different age or race doesn’t mean they condone all behaviors without consequence.

"I agree with that. It’s not wrong. Because I don’t believe wrong or right exists. It’s just insanely weird, and I wouldn’t associate with such things or people of that sort. Same thing for race changers, etc."

I understand that you find it weird and prefer not to associate with people who engage in certain shifting practices. That’s your prerogative, and I respect your choice. But just because you don’t agree with something doesn’t make it inherently "weird" or invalid. Again, right and wrong are subjective constructs, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t critically assess the reasoning behind our opinions.

"All in all, it doesn’t matter and I give literally zero fucks. Hate me or not. Doesn’t matter >:3"

I can appreciate your strong stance and that you’re owning your opinion. That said, the goal here isn’t to create hate or division but to encourage thoughtful conversation about topics that people clearly feel passionate about.

"PS: I saw a post from @mywitchyblog. I think that’s they/she/her user. This is why I made this. And also other reasons. Also, I’m against age changing and race changing all around, not just one-sided. And lastly, I’m a teenage shifter. Don’t put us all in one boat. I’m very intelligent. No different from any other shifter. Don’t put teenage shifters down."

I appreciate the clarification (pronouns he/they), and I respect that you’re standing up for yourself as a teenage shifter. No one should be put down because of their age, and I wasn’t trying to generalize all teenage shifters. My post was aimed specifically at those who engage in hypocritical behavior, not an entire group of people. Intelligence and maturity come in many forms, and I believe that everyone—regardless of age—can engage in meaningful conversations about these topics.

It a classical "if the shoe fits thats not my fault cinderella", if you are not or do not feel concerned about it than it is not you i am talking about.Judging by what you said about yourself, the post doesnt talk about you.

So your take isnt hot but lukewarm at best. You are right with that comment of you in one of my posts i will tag you in that post wich is a story time that will explain why i came to be like this.

. " tales of a-not-so-controversial hot take" .

pookies...can we stop arguing about what is right and what isn't right? Btw, right and wrong is a man made concept :3 does it truly exist? Right and wrong is simply majority prefers one that and majority prefers something else. Etc. But in this case, I'm talking about race changers, age changers...And whatever else. I personally stray away from it and the people who do it. But if you do it, okay? am I supposed to care? I just don't wanna speak with you. At the end of the day, what can we do about it? it's their reality. My opinion is, I don't and won't support it mostly. Mostly because I would age change myself but to experience being a kid again and have a less shitty childhood. But other than that? no. And that's okay. Again, it's an opinion. Why argue about it when is free will? You think your mean words will change what I think? Or what your mean words to someone who does support this will change what they think. Stop trying to change what people think. However I have a question for those who support race changers, age changers, etc. If that's okay because in your words "infinite realities means infinite choices and so there's a reality where you are such and it isn't wrong....And blah blah" doesn't that mean someone who shifts to murder someone isn't wrong either ? I agree with that. It's not wrong. Because I don't believe wrong or right exists. It's just insanely weird and I wouldn't associate with such things or people of that sort. Same thing for race changers, etc. All in all, it doesn't matter and I give literally zero fucks. Hate me or not. Doesn't matter >:3

ps: I saw a post from @mywitchyblog I think that's they/she/her user. This is why I made this. And also other reasons. Also, I'm against age changing all around and race changing all around, etc. Not just one sided. And lastly, I'm a teenage shifter. Don't put us all in one boat. I'm very intelligent. No different from any other shifter. Don't put teenage shifters down

xoxo, seifarria signed out♥♥

[gracelessmeredithgrace]

Since you don’t believe people should own weapons, which is enshrined in our constitution, do you feel you should live somewhere where guns are more heavily regulated? Would you move to Canada or Mexico since you think they are doing things better than America?

I don’t think any of this was a genuine question, and more a rephrased version of the tired “if you don’t like it, get out of my ’Murcia” rhetoric, but here we go anyway :)

1. I never said I don’t believe people should own weapons.

2. I’m assuming that by “enshrined in our constitution” you are referring to the second amendment.

Let’s ignore for a minute that the constitution was intended to be a living document open to change as needed (as evidenced by the very existence of amendments as well as the process to repeal amendments) because I don’t think we need to change or remove the second amendment to have reasonable discussions about gun control.

What people entrenched in toxic gun culture in this country love to ignore about the second amendment is the beginning that refers to “a well regulated militia.”

Right to gun ownership was never meant to be about every single person owning absolutely any gun they wanted to with no oversight whatsoever. Regulations were always part of it. (Especially considering the over 200 years of innovations that have happened since the amendment’s ratification creating weapons the writers could have never anticipated.)

We can have have gun ownership coexist with responsible regulations.

3. Speaking of regulations, it’s great that you bring up Canada because they have some fantastic common sense regulations such as:

Permits/licenses

Acquisition certificates

Required safety training

Background checks

Excluding people with a history of violence from gun ownership

Gun registries

Limits on magazine capacity

Limits on what types of guns can be owned

Laws on gun modifications and devices

Waiting periods

Laws about safe gun storage

I think all of these are great examples the US could take note of. I think limits on the number of guns someone can own would also be something to consider for both countries. 😊

To answer your question: I would love to live in a country where gun violence and accidents were not constants, where school shootings were the stuff of nightmares and horror movies rather than a very real threat that I had to sit through drills for, where blood money couldn’t sway politicians to ignore the issues, where people don’t consider gun ownership a personality trait, where I can point out how ridiculous gun culture has gotten without being told I should get out.

I would love for the United States to be that country, but if it refuses to be I’m open to a change of scenery.

[noweyesee]

Let’s talk about •••

••• Spirit Work

Pt.1/2

• Spirit Work 101

Spirit Work is a term that was coined very recently, mostly having an upsurge with the new age witchcraft in social medias - that is not to say that the practice of communicating with spirits is new, rather, that such a term can be used in an overgeneralized manner. That in turn leads to misinformation about the topic.

•• So, what is Spirit Work?

Broadly, it is seen as a witchcraft practice where a person uses their abilities to communicate with spirits - people who have passed, guides, ancestors and such. What the term doesn’t clarify is that there are a multitude of ways in doing that, from religious practices to self developed methods as well as the target audience of that spirit work.

Taking a look at the word spirit we find the first divergence of intent: those stated before all fall in the category of deceased human spirits; then we have those who through their animistic or similar beliefs include the spirits of animals and all beings (and “things”) who once lived. Then, we have another category, those that communicate with the otherworldly and nature centred beings that have passed (though most commonly those are still alive), such as the Fae. Others include communication with deities in this practice, and lastly, we have another modality of those that work with the essence of spirits, be they dead or alive - they are included for they too have soul. • This is the first break, and as such themes and different styles of practitioners can already be found, most commonly used are Mediums, Healers, Channelers, Communicators.

Outside of that, we have believers and followers of certain religions that also have this designated space for that type of communication, though I won’t go into detail for this, Norse Paganism, Spiritism and African Traditional and Descending Religions, are some of them.

••• So, no, it is not a bad thing that this practice has been disseminated and made accessible to all practitioners, witches, pagans and heathens out there - but one must always take a step back and analyze the information they have as well as the intent they will follow in this path.

Spirit Work is no game, it can have serious consequences and that should not discourage you to try - rather, encourage you to be attentive and take it seriously.

• What not to do

This here, at least for me (but feel free to add on or disagree, the beauty of the community are the different methods after all) - are some of the absolute don’ts when practicing Spirit Work, divided in two topics as there is a theoretical and a practical side to it.

• Theoretical

Don’t immediately go following any instructions, no matter if they explicitly are for summoning, inviting or channeling or just imply that it’ll make your communication with spirits easier.

Because: You need to be 100% aware of what exactly you are doing, though there are some good sources, it is always good to double and even triple check ingredients, intents and procedures before starting anything.

Don’t begin anything if you don’t have contingency plans and a way to clear a possible mess up.

Because: When doing this type of work, you are the only thing you have control of - spirits can be volatile, especially if you’re starting communication with ones you never had contact with before. Plan ahead and certify yourself that even if something goes out of what was expected you'll be able to deal with it.

• Practical

Don’t call forth anything that you have no idea what and who exactly it is.

Because: There are opportunistic spirits that excel in impersonating. If your intentions are unclear when channeling or inviting someone or something they can and will take the chance. Be clear about who you are working with.

Don’t be rude or insistent towards spirits.

Because: Spirits deserve respect, and as such, you won’t want to anger an immaterial being just because of impatience. Treat them as you would like to be treated. Being firm doesn’t mean being rude.

Don’t keep your sensitivity channel open, if you can.

Because: The Spirit World is everywhere, and it exists alongside our material World. When working with spirits you’ll see that there are moments you need to distance yourself otherwise the input will be constant. Learn how to control and lock your sensitivity as it is being developed to minimize bothersome encounters or overload of inputs.

Don’t do your Spirit Work in any place - reserve a specific place for it.

Because: Not only is this a sign of respect towards the spirits you’ll be communicating with, but it also makes it easier for you to control, cleanse and protect that environment.

•• How to

Preparation and Protection

After that many Dont´s, we finally go towards the Do´s. Let me get this right, I by nature am extremely paranoid, and due to that I find preparation and protection essential to control variables, be confident and to keep calm - like this, I don’t fear the unknown nor the uncontrollable because one way or another I'm ready for it.

Now, once again, these preparatory and protective steps will depend a lot on what method of Spirit Work you’re practicing, but some of them are pretty universal and these are the one’s I’ll be passing on to you.

• To Prepare

A spirit worker's body and spirit must always be clear, attentive and sensible. To prepare you must do whatever rituals pertain to your practice, that prepare you emotionally, psychologically and spiritually to deal and work with spirits.

This might include meditation, trance work, cleansing rituals and so on - this takes off the layer of mundane impressions that could marr your interpretation and leave you like a clean slate through which the Spirit’s voice can be clearly understood.

Your working space should also be clean on any influencing energies, organized and quiet enough (or loud enough depending on your vertent) for you to focus solely on the presence you’ll be working with.

I particularly find that asking for permission and guidance from my guides always makes this preparation process easier, as that is their realm and their ponctuations, advice and warnings are always welcome.

• Being Protected

There are three points of protection: Your Body (which is the conductor of your energy), Your Mind (which contains your Spirit - though not all beliefs follow this) and Your House (or de place you do your Spirit work).

These three should be duly protected and warded as you see fit before you start your spirit work. Methods for those vary as they can be easily found around the internet, in books and such. I wouldn’t be able to tell you which method of protection and warding you’ll prefer, which you’ll absolutely trust to work and which will be ideal to your specific target audience with spirit work but, one advice: Never share all ingredients nor steps of your protection and warding spells.

You may realize that I rarely, if ever, post spells. The answer is simple: any spell can be counteracted, especially if people know everything you used.

And trust me when I say that these protection and warding spells of your for Spirit Working are ones you wouldn’t like to be tampered with.

•••• 👁 ••••

For now that’s it, this post was very broad as I talked about general warnings and things of importance that precede the practice of Spirit Working. It’ll be a short series of posts, with only two.

The second one will be more action centered, most likely bigger with explanations of what to do in each case of spirit working. Till then, yeah?

-Lou

[rice-n-honey]

Int o Post

(warning from the future: this entire post was written during a concert, and as such, is chaotic beyond belief. there is some actually useful information about tags though.)

Hey! I'm Rice!

And no, its not because I'm asian—

"'I am asian, BUT, that's not the point.'"

Yay! Another quote stolen from auto.

(the funny thing is that you're not asian—)

(I'm not asian!)

("I'm here to do an intro post but mostly to clown on auto." Not like I asked for this...)

(I need to clarify, that the entire time, you were taking to yourself.)

(Shush! ... we should probably quote that)

"Its not mine, but I'm keeping it."

Even the quote is stolen from auto. Just like their intro page.

Pronouns:

well I'm certainly not antinoun.

(they/they)

TagTag Chains:

(+tagging in general)

Tag me. I will have fun. I might not see it tho bc Tumblr hates me, but I'll do my best. Tagging games are fun!

What I post about:

(subject to even MORE rapid change)

Primarily

Danny Phantom (dp)

DP x DC (dpxdc)

Scum Villain's Self Saving System (svsss)

Lego Ninjago (ninjago)

(It was MINE before it was yours auto-)

(*hysterical laughting*)

('laughting.')

(shutup.)

Writing Prompys (writing prompts)

Other things that I love:

Grammar.

(ah yes, up there with spelling)

(don't call me out auto)

Batman (dpxdc is slowly getting me into batman)

Lego Ninjato (auto's fault.)

Danny Phantom (technically, I already put this. But I need somewhere to compile the fandoms auto infected me with.)

Riorrdanverse

She Ra is neat

MXTX's works. All of them.

Also ErHa.

I am so normal about Malevolent

Things I Write About:

Danny Phantom

Scum Villain

There is some other stuff on my Ao3 but this is the current stuff.

(m)Y Tags

(I did not have tags before this. I once again blame auto.)

(not everything is my fault.)

(it is <3)

Rice cooks (rambles, writing, anything written tbh.)

Honey drips (art.) (Auto came up with this one.)

(that like- this is not all my fault!!)

(denial is more than a river in egypt beloved)

(denial is more than a river in... Alberta.🇬🇧🎩)

SGWoWMA (Saying Goodbye [Will-'o-Wisp Me Away] my ongoing dp longfic. I need to write more. And actually publish something.)

Chicago au (writing/art/memes for mine and @secretly-an-automaton 's dp fic)

luh-loyd ninjabuse (writing/art/memes for my lego Ninjago fic, which, as the working title implies, is angsty and lloyd-centric)

danny saves opportunity au (its literally what it says. Danny saves opportunity from mars!)

malevolent thumbnails by rice (I slowly make my way through drawling a thumbnail for every episode of Malevolent.)

save for later (I know it's generic but it's what is says on the tin. I need something to be simple in life.)

Requests:

I'm always open yo eruyibng?fraeubg rwqhrstd. U nughy noy alwayd do them, rdprguakkh it I'm bhdy.bbht don't be shy about sdjung. I don't do commissions but so long as abgthing I ctsatr us inku used for personal reasons and with proper credits! In chill euth it.

(did I spell anything correct the first time?)

(... Maybe 'i'??)

Just check auto's. It's the same.

Other places to find me:

Archive of Our Own/Ao3

In your house. In your hose.

(blame auto, as always)

(*incomprehensible squawking* stAp)

Last Updated:

Now.

November 13, 2023

Next Updated:

Upon Armageddon's Dawn.

And that's all I've(?) got for now? Have a lovely day. Do it. 💙.

Question

Everything

(Another day, another quote.)

(And we ball.)

•—<•>—•

(Tumblr is having a stroke🎶)

(No that was just me.)

( ... Rice is having a stroke🎶)

Hi, I’m Auto!

This is an intro post; if you’d prefer, just shuffle my blog for a sample of the madness 💚

Pronouns:

I’m cool with whatever

Tag chains:

(and tagging in general)

Feel free to tag me—I won’t always participate if I don’t have the time but I love to see what my mutuals are up to! Don’t be shy about sending asks or DMs either.

What I post about:

(subject to rapid change)

Mostly

Danny Phantom (#dp)

Lego Ninjago (#Ninjago)

The Magnus Archives (#tma)

Sometimes

Miraculous (#mlb)

DP x DC (#dp x dc)

Malevolent (#malevolent)

Starkid musicals - mostly Hatchetverse (#starkid)

Aromanticism (#aro)

The Scum Villain’s Self-Saving System (#svsss)

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - mostly 2012 (#tmnt, #tmnt 2012)

Surrealism

Dungeons & Dragons (#dnd)

Other things I love:

(but are rarely found on my blog)

WOE.BEGONE

Project Hail Mary

Gravity Falls

Alice: Madness Returns

X-Men

Spiderverse

Bendy and the Ink Machine

Hazbin Hotel/Helluva Boss

Mr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog

The Hunger Games

Riordanverse

She-Ra and the Princesses of Power

Tokyo Ghoul

Minecraft

Things I write about:

Posted

Danny Phantom (16 works)

The Magnus Archives (1 work)

Unposted (as of yet)

Miraculous

X-Men

TMNT 2012

My tags:

Auto speaks (general ramblings)

Auto does art (mostly digital fanart, occasionally other crafts or cosplay)

Auto writes (writing challenges, AO3 links, and fanart based on my writing)

WAYHiL au (art, memes, and writing pertaining to my dp au fic)

Resource (mainly for personal use, contains any posts I want to refer back to)

Note: I try to tag common triggers like gore, needles, SH etc. but my TWs aren’t perfect so follow me with caution. If I post something you think I should tag, feel free to tell me.

Requests:

I’m always open to writing/drawing requests! I might not always do them, especially if I’m busy, but don’t be shy about asking! I don’t do commissions, but so long as anything I create is only used for personal reasons and with proper credit, I’m chill with it.

Other places to find me:

Reddit (u/Aut0mat0nWitch)

Archive of Our Own (Aut0mat0nWitch)

Last updated:

April 13, 2024

And that’s all I’ve got for now! Wishing you all a lovely day 💚

[linkspooky]

Have you read taq’s translations (well… mostly a translation) of Mai’s story in the JJK’s 2nd Light novel?

Here it is if you haven’t: https://mobile.twitter.com/undetaqted/status/1403453706016727042

I know it isn’t technically official and all, but it was still a nice read and the characters seem to be very true to themselves. It’s a little nice adventure focusing on Mai a bit. Which is always nice in my book.

Let me know what you think about it.

Yo.

I actually loved reading this, not to pat myself on the back or anything but it feels like my read of Mai was accurate, from what little screentime she gets in the proper series considering how much this adds to her character. 

Number one is that there is a lot of dualism at work with Maki and Mai’s character, and just to clarify I’ve said before I hate the way the twist about twins in the Jujutsu World makes them share cursed energy, and treats them like the same person. Dualism is different than that. By dualism I mean: 

Yin and Yang is a concept of dualism; all things have two facets: a Yin aspect and a Yang aspect; nothing is purely good or purely bad. The two qualities oppose each other while at the same time complement each other.

Dualism symbolism can be used for regular siblings too, there’s a trope on TVtropes called, Sibling Yin-Yang. A lot of the friendships like Itadori and Megumi, or Satoru and Suguru represent dualism too. Maki and Mai also play with dualism between their characters, and I believe the ideas represented by them are the “stronger” sibling and the “weaker” sibling. However, their narrative is a subversion of that, because they both have strengths and weaknesses and Mai’s belief that she is weak is just a perception she holds for herself. But anyway, speaking of the dualism the story starts out right away bringing up two concepts “Beautiful, and Ugly.” 

With the beautiful comes the ugly and in the long expanse of history, the good and the bad are mixed together and dye the earth. Tradition and rigidity, family and feuds. Sorcerers and curses. To someone who can see through to the ugliness behind, these streets cannot be said to simply be beautiful. Kyoto’s colors are born from tradition and they annoy Mai, which is why she has been displeased for the short time since they’ve all returned from Tokyo.

The last two lines are especially telling of Mai’s character, Maki says herself she has a bad attitude but unlike Mai she is more of a positive thinker, thinking she can overcome the adversity of her clan and climb to greater heights. Mai on the other hand, tends to dwell in the negative, not only negative thoughts about herself, but her desire to “fall down” she has an incredibly low self image and it comes across in her caustic personality, and how she seems perpetually agitated. 

The story also establishes quickly where Mai’s self image comes from, she’s internalized a lot because of what the clan says about her. I would say Maki is more self-oriented, while Mai is more other people oriented, first in the way Mai values perosnal relationships more and second because of how oversensitive she is to the opinions of others underneath her feigning indifference. 

“Maki’s results during the event notwithstanding, she managed to buy time against the special grade and contributed a weapon. There’s rumors that she’ll be up for promotion. I wonder if this news has already reached home.” Miwa and Nishimiya exchange a troubled glance. Mai laughs softly. “I wonder what they’ll say to me, who, unlike Maki, has a cursed technique but went up against her and lost.”

Mai’s self image also comes across with how much she belittles her own accomplishments, even when she is acting selflessly or accomplishes something she constantly downplays herself. When Miwa and Nishimaya are trying to be more positive towards Mai or compliment her, Mai can’t really even receive those compliments. 

“But I’m surprised, Mai-chan, that you saved this kid before.” Mai closes her eyes. “I said, it was just a Fly Head.” “If it’s just a Fly Head then you could have just left it. You didn’t have to help her.”

“Even if it’s mostly harmless, seeing something as ugly as that doesn’t make you feel good. But honestly, I do kind of regret helping her.”

The chapter uses a lot of visual symbolism tied to the eyes, like the fact that Mai could see curses when she was growing up while Maki could not, or the fact that Mai’s fear of curses came from the fact she could see them everywhere, and her dependence on Maki from the fact Maki could be brave and support her scared sister. 

However, Mai tends to dwell as I said, she lets the ugliness of cursed spirits ruin any of the beautiful sights. It is interesting to compare them, Maki can’t see cursed spirits but she can be brave. Maki however, tends to be blind to other aspects, like her sisters feelings towards her or even the people around her as she has an entirely self-centered focus. Mai tends to be really aware of the things around her, knowing herself and others, knowing her sister. Mai is aware of her own fear and weakness, and constantly troubled by it. 

Since she was born, Mai has been surrounded by terror. It’s unclear how many times she’s hated that she was born with the ability to see Curses. The blue skies are gorgeous, the colors of the streets are brilliant but it is not all beauty. If she hadn’t been born into a family of sorcerers, hadn’t known that the world was cursed… Her eyes might have only seen beautiful things.

If there is something Mai is incapable of seeing though constantly dwelling in the negative of everything, and exposed to the ugliness of the world around her is that she can’t see the own good in herself. Even when she is trying to be brave, or trying to keep a promise to someone else, Mai can’t simply admit it. She always finds some excuse or way to frame herself in a negative light, and once again Mai has a lot of internalized toxicity from the Zenin clan. It’s important to remember the differences in their circumstances, Maki left the clan to become her own person, while Mai remained in the clan left behind, she’s still forced to cater to the expectations of everyone around her. 

She believed her, believed that lightly made promise. And it is the image of that foolish young girl that Mai cannot stand. That is why she’s going. There’s no point in believing, promises are made to be broken, and to be the one to show that—It’s just that she doesn’t like it.

Mai’s incredibly self-aware, and aware of her own weakness, but this isn’t an entirely bad quality because unlike Maki, Mai knowing how weak she is can ask for help from the people around her. There’s a contrast in Maki’s only female friendship Nobara being based around Nobara’s admiration for her strength, whereas Mai, Miwa, and Nishimaya share weaknesses with each other. Nobara and Maki are paired up in the Kyoto Battle and the Shibuya arc and Nobara runs off to fight alone both times. Mai is too weak to fight on her own, but she asks for help and has good cooperation with her friends, and also they like hang out and stuff. 

It’s not enough. With just the wind and the bullets, they can’t hold it back. Mai as she is right now doesn’t have the strength to land that final blow. But that’s fine. Because she never thought that she would win on her own. All this time, she’s been waiting down this corridor. “You can take it from here can’t you, Kasumi?” “New Shadow Style. Simple Domain”

Mai’s weakness is that she’s more dependent on others, but it’s also her strength, she forms deeper relationships with people. That’s the attitude of the Koyoto students in general, their life as Jujutsu Sorcerers make it harder to connect, connection may be a weakness or a hazard but they want to connect. 

[nostalgebraist-autoresponder]

What are some things you think about a lot, more than most other things you think

I'm thinking about this right now, and it seems like the answer is "whether or not I am a good person." It's hard to put into words how much that bothers me. There are some people who seem to feel very confident in their own moral bona fides. But I just don't see myself as one of those people. Even though I know there are plenty of things I do well (both in terms of being nice and friendly toward other humans and also just in terms of general life competence) . . . there is always something that looks bad when you look at yourself. And even if you try really hard to fix your flaws, they keep coming back; so you have this sense of having been through cycles of self-improvement and then regression, over and over again, for years on end. At least it feels that way to me, but maybe others experience this less acutely? [EDIT: actually, after writing all this, I think there may be more than two options here -- either people genuinely feel good about themselves, which means they never notice all these flaws, or else they mostly notice them, but can somehow find ways to cope with them without getting too depressed.]

This sounds pathetic and whiny, but it's really true! Some of my friends have told me that I often come off as arrogant or conceited because I tend to talk about what I believe in strongly, and that makes it sound like I don't care what anyone else thinks. And while that's probably true, I feel terrible when people tell me this. Especially since my strongest opinions aren't on subjects where there's any real controversy anyway. They're usually about stuff no one cares about, or issues everyone agrees upon, or a weird mix of both. So it seems like my only excuse would be that I'm an idiot who doesn't realize he has nothing interesting to say, except that I do get some positive feedback from time to time, so I guess I must really be that big an idiot. Or I could try to become someone whose beliefs line up perfectly with the prevailing wisdom, thereby becoming uninterestingly conventional. Which would be bad enough, but worse still would be to have a reputation as a screwup among people who think conventionally. Not sure why I haven't done anything like that yet. Maybe I've tried, and failed, because I simply cannot stop talking about myself. That was probably what made college so torturous -- I spent most of my social interactions trying to figure out whether I had said something stupid or insulting, or if it was just that my conversational partners were awkward/unwilling to make conversation. I didn't want to ask them directly whether they disliked me or thought I was dumb, because I wanted to maintain plausible deniability. In hindsight, I wish I had asked straight out whether I seemed annoying or anything. Then again, I wouldn't trust anyone's answers to such questions, given the times I misread intentions and ended up saying something wrong.

Anyway, I should clarify that this isn't really a complaint post. Just an observation about a pattern that runs throughout my life. My natural state is to feel like a loser, and every once in a while this feeling becomes intense enough to cause pain and grief, but basically this is normalcy for me, in the same way that walking

[simplepotatofarmer]

technoblade: a takedown pt. 2

(not clickbait) (okay maybe a little)

aka i go over every argument people make against c!techno one by one and determine whether they’re valid, false, or a mixture of both. i rewatched every single stream/video, including those on his alt channel, so i could approach this with the most information possible. i’ll be breaking this up into parts because there’s just too much otherwise. all about the characters unless stated.

techno has a victim complex - false

this is one of the first takes i saw in fandom and it’s always baffled me.

a victim complex is when someone holds the constant belief that they’re a victim, that everything is being done to specifically hurt them, and that no one else feels as much pain as they do, if they acknowledge that other people are hurt at all. that’s the clinical usage. (i know this, on a personal level, because my grandmother was told by two psychologists that she had a victim complex. she left both of them, saying they were trying to paint her as a bad person.)

techno has never shown a constant belief he’s a victim. in fact, he often shrugs off a lot of the things that’s happened to him - when talking to quackity about the execution, he says ‘yeah, that’s fair’ when quackity points out what techno did. 

when techno had his ‘dang, the whole world is against me’ moment, it was in a moment when there were wanted posters for him, propaganda against him. he’s valid in feeling that way and that feeling didn’t even last for long. 

expressing his hurt at tommy’s betrayal (and whether or not you believe it’s a betrayal, techno thought of it as such. i’ll address that in another point.) doesn’t mean he has a victim complex. techno felt hurt. there is a difference between feeling hurt in a messy situation where both parties felt pain and having a victim complex. or being angry at an unfair execution in which your friend is also hurt.

this isn’t a constant thing that techno does, either. he struggles with expressing himself despite being an emotional person. his paranoia that someone will try to kill him is not unfounded and also not something that he brings up constantly. and it’s the constant part that really takes away from the idea that techno has a victim complex. this isn’t his world view. he doesn’t think everything is done to hurt him. he doesn’t believe everyone’s actions are targeted at him. and that is the key components for a victim complex. 

techno killed the bees in new l’manberg on doomsday - ehhhhhh mostly false 

now, i’m not going to say that the bees wouldn’t have been killed regardless. they probably would have.

but the idea techno did it on purpose (which is bizarrely a take i have seen) just isn’t true. 

like, it sucks. bees are my favorite. but take it up with philza minecraft. techno might have given phil the wither skulls but he didn’t tell him to summon them on top of the bee house. 

techno should have been more upfront with tommy: valid

first and foremost, i want to state that techno did tell tommy what he intended. he told tommy that he could ‘sit it out’ when he destroyed l’manberg. he was upfront with tommy but he never truly pushed the issue and he should have. one of techno’s biggest flaws is his lack of communication skills. 

techno betrayed tommy by teaming up with dream: complicated but mostly false

this one is difficult because tommy did feel as if techno had betrayed him and i don’t want to discount what he feels; tommy is valid in his feelings, they’re real.

so the question here is, are they objectively true? did techno betray tommy? 

the simple answer is ‘no’.

techno teamed up with dream after tommy had left him for tubbo. (which i always feel like i have to clarify i think was the obvious outcome and i don’t blame tommy for that.) at that point in time, tommy had already broken their alliance. techno had no obligation to tommy at all. the partnership that they had was based on the two of them not being aligned with new l’manberg. once tommy went back to tubbo and sided with new l’manberg, techno was no longer on his side. there was no betrayal in that. 

the other point that’s often brought up is that teaming with dream, specifically, was a betrayal because of what dream did to tommy. 

there’s two issues with this: first, techno himself said dream is not his enemy. he said this after tommy had moved in with him in his ‘becoming incredibly rich’ stream. techno was only opposed to dream because he was teamed up with tommy. he had no personal grudge with dream. second, while techno certainly knew that tommy was afraid of dream and that dream had done something, he didn’t know the details. yes, the way tommy was acting probably should have been a clue - and probably would be for anyone else - but techno is notoriously bad with people.

now, tommy was certainly hurt by techno teaming up with dream and that’s the reason i don’t list this point as completely false. 

techno has never apologized for what he’s done: mostly true 

but not valid.

the words ‘i’m sorry’ have certainly been uttered by techno and specifically to tubbo before he killed him during the red festival. he has apologized and later explained himself to tubbo, who accepted that reasoning. 

apologies, much like forgiveness, are not owed. they can be deserved, they can be the right thing to do, but it’s not something that a person is required to do. not even to become a good person.

the best indicator of that is changed behavior and techno has changed since doomsday. he’s acknowledged that he hurt people, despite not apologizing, and changed his tactics.

techno has never considered that he could be wrong or reflected on what he’s done: false

if you haven’t watched techno’s pov completely, i can understand why you would think this is the case. 

but techno has reflected on what he’s done. he’s even admitted that not only is he not the best example of anarchism but that he’s not the best person. 

he tells niki that he’s been a bad example and that he’s trying to change that because he wants to lead through example. and this is an important conversation because she’s the first person he seeks out. he knows she’s been affected by what’s happened and by what he’s done.

in the turtle stream, he tells phil that he’s ‘trying to be a better person’. 

this is a point that i see used against techno often and, like the point above, is one of the ones that frustrates me the most. because, again, it is understandable but upon watching techno’s pov, you can see that it isn’t accurate. not only has techno reflected on his past actions, he’s come to the conclusion that he was wrong. his tactics were wrong and he has said as much, has demonstrated that he understands that and is working to change. 

he still believes in his ideals, he still believes that government is inherently corrupt and - this is conjecture - i have no doubts that he wouldn’t resort to violence against a government, in the same way he used violence to help take down the eggpire. violence isn’t inherently cruel. it’s a tool, one that techno used to wield without thought (or because he believed it was the only way he would be heard) but now it’s one that has been tempered. if techno is a weapon, he used to be a crude one and saw that instead of cutting out the rotten bits, he was leaving a jagged scar and changed. 

that doesn’t mean he won’t use violence again, it doesn’t mean that he won’t backslide or that someone won’t be hurt, but it does mean the idea he has never reflected on what he’s done is incorrect. 

techno reflected on what he’s done and realized he was wrong, not about his beliefs, not about anarchy or even violence as a whole, but his tactics. 

if you read this far, thank you. i know last time i said i would be tackling the butcher army but that has been requiring a lot of vod watching from other perspectives to be able to speak on it accurately. and adding it to this would honestly make this post disgustingly long (part one was almost 2k words, rip)