#this is me forcing myself to be healthy bc i dont eat out and only eat homecooked meals BUT the catch is my mom or someone else has to cook

[koishua]

will be cutting out all processed sugars. thank you and pls wish me luck

[ghosty1111]

mental health vent undercut teehee *anime head bonk* ^ڡ^

im so worried that the company i interviewed at isnt gonna get back to me. ive been applying to jobs for almost 3 years now and ive only gotten one other interview before this(that i got rejected from). the interviewer mixed up on telling me what job i was being interviewed for(i applied to 2 at the company) and didnt tell me the real one until the end of the interview. so i fear i messed it up by talking about it in the context of a different job. i emailed them after this about it and its almost been a week(the interviewer said theyd get back to me in a couple days).

the other problem im having is ive been avoiding replying to emails for the """job""" i technically have as an assistant art teacher for bday parties for some art company bc ive been so convinced i wont do well at the job due to my mental health and i shouldnt do it. i have one already booked for the 6th so i have no choice, the emails were for other future work. im embarrassed that i cant just get myself to do something even this small, but also my brain has become All Or Nothing levels of stubborn in regard to work(either i get a fulltime wellpaying job that can allow me to move out or it isnt worth it). even tho this job would be good for SOME money, my brain keeps trying to convince me that im too fatigued and suicidal and its not worth it at this point. that i deserve better.

im tired of being stubborn and having high expectations for life but i cant help it if i want something worthwhile after spending every single day feeling like shit and hating being alive. they all said this feeling would eventually go away if i continued to work on fixing it. but it hasnt. everyone makes fun of this 'negative teenage view' of life, but why would i want to make something that makes me feel worse? its not as easy as just 'changing your views and faking it' trust me ive tried so many times. and i burnout so fast every time. my body isnt meant to live like that and i hate it.

my mom said that i shouldnt get a fulltime job bc what if i cant handle it, and i said that i would rather try an option that would potentially change my life and find out for sure that im not meant for being alive, rather than wasting my energy on something that changes nothing. i hate my suicidal mentality.

[landmine-b0y]

i did get better over her i think the fp shit iz finally gone but it still iz a pain 2 think abt bc damn the one u lov most can rly be better off when u r not around

i know itz bc i am mostly negative but i cant change it, i am alwayz 2 sensitive and emotional and i just can't be happy, i dont believe that ppl r good most of the time bc most timez i go out i will get made fun off bc i am a ugly fatty, ppl r inherently caring and good doez not apply when ur ugly, being fat doez not make u ugly inherently but it makez me feel so filthy and hideouz, it makez me feel unclean and unhealthy no matter how healthy i eat, the only thing that makez me feel pure iz when i drink water or restrict

even when i eat normally i hav the need 2 binge on sweet garbage, mainly bc i am not allowing myself 2 bc i feel so guilty and hideouz eating that shit, especially in public, u will never see me in public eating crap like that, but u can see what i eat at the size of my trashcan stomach anywayz so whatz the point if no one seez me getting weak bc the body iz forcing me 2 eat that, i will never hav a healthy relationship with food, i cannot eat without wanting to die or binge, i should just lock myself in my room with only water and a toilet +enrichment so i dont eat

[moon3unny]

‿︵‿︵୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ - - ୨˚̣̣̣͙୧‿︵‿︵

Christmas update 24.12.2023

‿︵‿︵୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ - - ୨˚̣̣̣͙୧‿︵‿︵

Please just block dont report

-

Alright so this morning I was still 54,kg same weight but at least I didnt gain right so thats a win. I was feeling really shitty but I pushed through with cold brew and cooked a whole lot of christmas dinner. I had to eat obviously but Ill use it as my metabolism day! ate lasagna but I only ate half of one piece because I legit could not eat any more like i was so full I was starting to feel sick.

ate some sausages a few chicken nuggets- but overall I am so full that its uncomfortable and I feel sick. but this will be a huge metabolism day so im trying not to cry about it.

Im not going to weigh myself tomorrow for my own sanity

theres so much food left over I cooked that I dont need to cook tomorrow which is pretty slay. so I can start low restricting tomorrow again :3

I got an eyeshadow pallete, a kuromi plushie and a thermal coffee cup so I can keep tea,soup or coffee hot when im upstairs since I drink stuff so slowly it gets cold quickly

anyways heres some tea:

my sister right. I dont fatshame I dont give a single fuck ab anyoens weight only my own but shes an emotional binge eater and shes been medically obese for most of her life now which is no problem as long as shes healthy just repeating this: I DO NOT CARE ABOUT ANYONE ELSES WEIGHT BUT MY OWN. if u fatshame then respectfully: block me.

the problem is: that she tries blaming how much she eats on everyone else but herself. she asked me to hand her the chicken nuggets on the other end of the table so I did, and then I handed her a sausage too thinking she would want it too- I only HANDED IT TO HER and she GRABBED IT. I DID. NOT. place it on her plate she could have said no and I wouldve just put it back.

later when she was full she complained about "having to eat this sausage" as if I forced her to. she kept going on about how I put it directly on her plate. so we kept going back and forth ab how I did NOT put it on her plate I offered it and she TOOK IT WITH HER HAND?? NO SIGN OF NOT WANTING IT WHATSOEVER and then she kept going on and on ab with that self centered tone and audacity to blame me for making her eat more so when I told her thats not what happened like 3 times like it didnt happen legit 10 min ago she kept denying it and lowkey trying to gaslight me??? OVER A FUCKING SAUSAGE? "thats not what happened (deadname) wdym" AND SHE HAD THE FCKN BALLS TO SCOFF TOO???????

LIKE I COULDNT GIVE LESS OF A FUCK IF U DONT WANT TO SEEM LIKE U ARE EATING TOO MUCH BUT DONT BLAME IT ON ME????? I LITERALLY SPENT HOURS IN THE KITCHEN TO COOK ALL OF YALL A WHOLE MENU WHILST FIGHTING THE DARK SPOTS IN MY VISION U FUCKING BITCHBAG. anyways that pissed me off so much because she only acted like that bc our dad was sitting right in front of us at the dinnertable and she doesnt want him to comment on her eating which is very valid and relatable but ur fucking horrible if u make ur literal YOUNGEST SIBLING suffer for it.

Hi. Im the youngest sibling yet Im basically the oldest sibling bc they both cant cook for shit. I handle every argument that breaks out in the house andI protect both of my older sisters whenever my dad gets in a screaming fest with them. me. the. youngest. I never had any older siblings because Im the one handling them.

Ill rant ab her in another post this is basically already too long sorrayy

[mrfoox]

Roo anytime he hears how shit I eat: YOU GOTTA GET SOME PROTEIN/MEAT/VEGETABLES IN YOUR DIET

Me and my autistic super anti food brain: haha, I sure do

[boilingheart]

cw: suicidal thoughts //

idk how to do a read more on mobile sorry otherwise I'd crop it. I told myself I wouldn't vent about shit like this heavy and personal online anymore but I'm not doing so good and I need to put it somewhere

I'm not very healthy and I'm not very happy. I'm not doing so good mentally. Financially things suck really bad, I've been eating one meal a day for the past 3 months and I can't fall asleep until it's at least 5-6AM. I fixed my sleep schedule last week and it only lasted 2 days. It's almost 9AM that I write this and I haven't slept

My shoulder hurts again and I think it's because I got lazy on physical therapy. I'm scared ill dislocate it again. I hurt my knee at work last week and I hurt it again a few days ago and right now the whole muscle is swollen and sore and tender and I limp when I walk. I'm 24 and I feel so breakable and weak, I have no muscle, I'm too fucking tall, and I feel like any one of my bones are going to pop out of their sockets. I still have to go to work and get my license and do other things but how can I if my shoulder feels so weak? It's recovering from a dislocation still but it feels like it got worse, not to mention my trapezius has been getting pins and needles daily for no reason and no treatment has worked and my doctor doesn't know what's causing it

Somethings wrong with my skin too. I think it's eczema, I hope that's all it is, but it's the worst it's ever been. My whole left arm is completely discolored and dry and itchy and it's starting to spread on more of my body in ways I've never seen. I'm scared it'll get to my face next

I am so so uncomfortable. There's no space in my house. There's 5 of us in one house and we all fucking hate each other and There's 3 animals and there's no food and even if there is I'm too scared to go out there to eat bc my parents sleep in the living room cause there's no space for them anywhere and they fight daily and if I pass by one of them I'll aggro them and get stuck in a 2 hour lecture of some alt right bullshit or terf shit or thinly veiled misogynistic or racist takes I can't stand it

You know that phrase you can lead a horse to water but you can't force it to drink? I'm the horse. And I don't want to drink anything. I know all of my problems. I'm not working on a single project because I have no discipline and no motivation and unmedicated ADHD that's so bad it makes me wanna fucking end it. I have so many things I want to do but no drive. I'm passionate about things but not enough. I'm not going to sleep early I'm not eating or drinking I'm not exercising or doing physical therapy I'm not going for walks and getting sunlight I'm not maintaining myself beyond brushing my teeth every night, and showering when it's time to go to work and doing my job as required. I know everything I'm doing wrong. I know that what I'm doing is making everything worse. I know that I could be making it better for myself. But I dont... care anymore? I shouldn't be scratching my arms but I stopped caring about that I just want relief and I don't care the cost. I stay up late and let myself cause I just want the satisfaction of finishing this video or whatever it is I'm doing. Everything is numb. People will tell me what I need to be doing so I can stop and I'll know they're 100% correct and that I need to listen but I don't. I don't have it in me anymore for some reason. I don't know why it's so hard to just so it. I don't know. I don't know if it's executive dysfunction or depression or disassociation or what.

And thing is. I've told myself years ago I'd never kill myself. Cause like, I have so much I need to do, so much on the line, people I need to take care of, things I want to do, a lot of things to live for. I wrote down a list of things to live for that took up 2 pages, and it helped me a lot. Kept me centered and focused. I am not allowed to die because I have so much on the line. I am not allowed to.

But recently I found myself looking at this list of mine, of thinking about all these things, and... it invokes no emotion in me. I look at my long ass list of reasons to live and it does nothing for me. I don't care about them anymore??? It feels so empty. And I know that's bad. But I feel so detached and removed. I am in constant pain and constant stress and I can't lay on my right shoulder anymore cause it hurts and that sucks cause that's my favorite sleeping position, I'm always hungry and I'm always tired and I wake up at 3-4PM always and I have so many things to do to write to draw to create to record but it's not enough. It's not enough anymore. Nothing is enough. I have no drive or motivation. I don't have anything to look forward to. My goal is to move me and my siblings out of this house next year as an escape because I know this household is so unbelievably horrifically toxic and abusive that it will LITERALLY kill us if we stay here longer so I feel bad and selfish giving up before getting us out of here bc it's up to me to make sure I get us out. But I don't want to perform all this maintenance on myself anymore. I'm too lazy and cowardly to fully kill myself in one go but. I don't want to try anymore. I want to give up. I'm very very alone and I don't have irl friends and I have such a horrible way of communicating with people/friends online that I have. I keep everyone at an arms length I don't know how to be friends or reach out, I don't know how to navigate in a social space if I'm not an authority figure like a mod and that's a whole other pack of problems that comes from my inferiority complex. I don't know. I don't know. I need to say this somewhere and I'm sorry for anyone who's reading this and seeing how heavy and personal it is. I meant to stop doing this shit online already which is why I've been silent so much here but. I can't do this anymore. I'm tired. And I don't know what to do. I need help but I know that I'm the only one who can help myself because I'm the horse and I need to drink but I don't want to. I would rather drown in it. I would rather drown and I don't know what to do. I know it's bad and wrong and unhealthy all of it but I just can't stop I can't stop. I am not okay. I need help and I don't know how to get it. Nothing is accessible out here. I'm a tiger in a cage and I'm going to die here. I'm letting myself rot and decay. I'm going to die here.

[inosukeslefttoe]

SO i just finished wonder egg priority and i think that with confidence i can say it has been one of my favorite animes like... ever ?? and not even from hyperfixation or obsession over it just... its so fucking real yet so simple in a way that i havent rlly seen shown in any other shows you feel ??

but first i wanna talk about how sexy the art and animation is real quick... HOMIE ITS SO GOOD LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT JUST... serotonin... the characters are all so unique and iconic and fun but not over the top in their designs yknow ??? they seem like regular every day girls but they stand out and theyre all sO CUTE !!!! also i love how the style is like this soft bubbly slice of life lookin stuff with bright happy colors and the most beautiful scenes you could find but they also have the SICKEST fight scenes complete with whimsical animal helpers and terrifying villains and crazy weapons unique to each character. and the animation. god DAMN shawty i am obsessed with everything in this show. i might make a post solely about the art later lol bc i wanna get into the other stuff.

so the themes in the show right ?? it starts just as this cute lil magical girl kinda deal but within the first episode we see that like.. oh damn... thats kinda heavy... tbh i was a little shocked and thought about stopping bc yknow bad mental health BUT i was so intrigued that i had to keep going and i am SO GLAD that i did. because this show just so beautifully discusses all these heavy topics in such an eloquent and artistically expressive way. and also like, , the juxtaposition of the charming childlike vibe with bright colors and 14 yr old girl protagonists against the dark themes of suicide and so much else,, i think is just perfect. bc a lot of heavy animes are more of the seinen genre and have some middle aged dude as a protag or make the entire color palette dim or offer little relief to the pain of these heavy themes right ?? but NO not wonder egg bitches B) because these problems arent just things that ppl face later in life or just problems that need to be talked about among adults or the edgy seinen watching squad,, these are REAL problems that face people of every age, gender etc and i think its awesome that wonder egg addresses that. some may cringe at the thought of their high schooler watching animes that discuss sexual harassment, suicide, abuse, self harm, eating disorders etc,, but in reality it is the most comforting thing i have ever come across and is basically jsut free anime therapy. because not only does wonder egg present these themes to the viewers as something real that happens to all kinds of people (making said people feel heard in a way that maybe they hadnt before), but it also makes sure to vanquish all of these forms of trauma. and the way the trauma is vanquished isnt always beautiful and it isnt always just magically gone with a poof. the struggles of overcoming or living with that sort of thing are shown in such a real and relatable way that addresses every hardship trauma survivors have to go through. and i just. god i cry bro. 

oh m y GOD and the lgbtq+ rep in this show ?? like shawty... as soon as i saw episode one i was picking up on some gay/lesbian themes but then again im sapphic and project that a lot so i tend to see that sort of stuff like... everywhere... but NE WAYS... episode ten made me FUKCING CRY BRO LIke i cant believe there was a whole trans character with a whole trans pride hoodie like LKGHKDGH my heart is just so.. so fucking full thinking about him. bc like yeah i know there are trans characters in anime but i feel like theyre always very ambiguous about actually being trans or not or erased or portrayed as a harmful stereotype or theyre constantly misgendered and still refered to as their assigned gender at birth and i hate it. HOWEVEr... Kaoru.. *chefs kiss* it was so amazing to see a character straight up say “yeah im trans” in such a casual yet powerful way bc i personally have never seen that before. and i love love loved how he went into his backstory and talked to momoe about gender bc i think thats what she rlly needed and that it helped her find herself and it makes me so happy oh my god,, and the way they talked about it never seemed forced or like it was the focal point of his existence yknow ?? like yeah he existed to help momoe overcome some of her trauma but he also just existed to be HIM yknow ?? also... personally, i headcanon momoe as a trans girl even though i dont remember it being explicitly stated plus the school scenes of her and stuff would seem like they suggest otherwise ??but,,, SHAWTY THE AMOUNT OF SUBTEXT and her complicated relationship w gender is... something i feel like a cis girl would not go through so harshly yknow ?? with all of the questioning and feeling detached from femininity or feeling like ppl dont see her as an actual girl and only like her as a guy or for her masculine traits,,, but dont take my word on this bc i myself am a cis girl but that was just my take on it as someone in the lgbtq+ community trying to educate myself on the transgender community :) either way,, wonder eggs portrayal of momoe and kaoru and the way that momoe becomes so passionate about expressing herself the way she wants to as a girl is just... good lord im gonna cry its so perfect,,,.so ... i just love this show way too much. i also am honestly super lost about the relationship btwn acca and ura-acca ?? bc i was gonna mention ura-acca as a canonically gay guy bc when i was watching i interpreted ep 11 as him being in love with acca and being jealous of Azusa (bc i mean,, they lived together (i swear to god there was only one bed in that apartment) and had a daughter together and def loved each other and also when Frill said they were husbands and then when ura-acca said he wasnt attracted to azusa but he was def jealous of their relationship ??) but then i saw somewhere that theyre brothers ?? which would make sense ig since they look kinda similar and accas daughter called ura-acca “uncle”.. but at the same time its ANIME SO THEY ALL LOOK SIMILAR and referring to gay couples as siblings is an EXTREMELY common euphemism soooo... IM JUST LOST HERE... but yeah i tried doing research and found different things so i cant say anything for sure >:( however,,, if they are canonically a lil fruity for each other... when frill refered to acca as ura-accas husband i imploded dude you never hear that sort of wording in anime.. but if theyre related i am so sorry. 

god this is so much longer than i planned it to be oops but i also love the theme about like.. relying on friends to help carry your weight but at the same time not becoming completely dependent on those friends and using their support to learn how to love yourself and rely on yourself yknow ?? bc that is exactly what healthy friendships look like. bc i think ai sort of had a codependency thing goin on with koito maybe ?? but now she has a whole squad of funky friends that are so so different but all struggle with different kinds of trauma and although they fight over it, they always get through it with each other together. and they push each other no matter what to be the best versions of themselves and they teach other that getting hurt is okay because theyre always gonna be there to pick up the pieces no matter what happens. they can give each other space when they need and adapt to meet each others needs but theyre always able to balance it out with their own needs and thats such a beautiful thing in friendships especially at their age like damn i wish i had that maturity when i was 14 but no all i had was depression. another thing is that through these friendships you get to see all the different sides of each girl; you get to see them being strong or a shining light to their friends when theyre hurting but you also get to see them being hurt and weak and allowing themselves to be on the receiving end of the comfort. their friendships allows them to have weaknesses but it also allows them to highlight their strengths and thrive off of each others. I LOVE FRIENDSHIP DUDE

next i wanna briefly mention some of the themes connected to suicide that ive noticed. a big one is the survivors guilt that ai feels once koito is dead. several times she screams that she wishes she couldve gone with koito and she dreams of a “perfect world” where they committed a double suicide. one of the main reasons for her troubles is that she blames herself for koitos death and feels like it should be her thats dead... but at the same time she feels like too much of a coward to do anything now that koito is gone. she just has all these complex and contradicting feelings that wear away at her in ways that ppl that havent gone through the suicide of a loved one could never imagine. a lot of the times when things like this are portrayed in media i feel like its more in a way thats meant to guilt trip those that have taken their own lives and paint suicide as this selfish sin thats unforgivable but... not only does wonder egg reject that idea and instead portray it as a heartbreaking tragedy with,,, so so many terrible reasons, but it focuses on the feelings of ai separate from koito without blaming her in any way. not once did i feel like the show antagonized koito or that ai blamed koito for doing any of this, but they simply mourned her loss and touched on ais reaction towards the event but separate from koito herself if that makes sense. and i think that discussing survivors guilt without painting koito as the bad guy is something so beautifully done in wonder egg that can really resonate with those that have lost a loved one to suicide and have struggled with these same things.

okay i think this is the last thing ill mention,,, but HOMIE THE PARALLEL UNIVERSE BIT AT THE END. I AM. OBSESSED. i am such a whore for anything about the multiverse okay n e ways...,, not only did this make a super epic trippy ending of season one and add a little bit more magical girl whimsy to the show,, but it had such a powerful message. from the perspective of og ai,, finding out that you killed yourself in another world is... i mean its definitely not a surprise but at the same time it rlly makes you think how close og ai herself couldve been to that point and what decisions led her out of that dark place in her life. if i were in her shoes i would be terrified and id cry bc the thought of going back to such a dark place and actually going through with something like that is my worst fear and probably something that ai fears too. but at the same time,,, think from the perspective of ai two !!! like yeah its true that theres this awful terrible version of ai that dies but theres also a whole version of ai that is a superhero magical girl fighting off monsters to save countless ppls lives !! and she has a badass lizard and a gang of awesome friends !!! at first i was worried that ai two would be jealous of og ai and compare herself to her and feel inferior but like.. THEYRE LITERALLY THE SAME PERSON AND CAPABLE OF THE SAME THINGS !!! and ai two realized that !! just within the span of one episode, she went from the version of ai who took her life,, to the version of ai jumping in front of a friend to take a bullet for them and save their life. and that just inspired THE SHIT OUT OF ME. i think that ai was sent another version of herself to sort of beat her own worst enemy yknow ?? those doubts and fears that shes no good or that shes that same bystander from episode one and that she hasnt changed at all. but getting to interact with her parallel self and see her grow was just what she needed to realize that while yeah sometimes the worst thing can happen and things can be terrible but on the other hand sometimes the most wonderful thing imaginable can happen because she has the power to do either. 

so im gonna go ahead and stop rambling bc i got all my thoughts out that i wanted to for this post :D but yeah lol i might make another if i feel like it sometime. long story short: this show is perfect and it is going on my favorite of all times.

[triestoohard]

lets get personal asks: Multiples of 9

all of them? ... uh well :D

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?

i dont think so.

18: Do you believe in karma?

i want to but in my experience people who are trash often get what they want bc they trample others sooo

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

people sneezing. it triggers me so much bc my mom has to sneeze constantly when she's drinking and smoking its like a hick up and thats when she is/was her worst with me. also left me alone with huge responsibilities at a young age.

cats purring, rain, wind rustling leaves and grass, theres a lot ^^

36: Define Art.

something that makes you feel. any emotion. you know it when you see it hear it feel it. imo a lot of things are art <3

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

a horse kicked my full force in the stomach and my liver tore. thankfully it wasnt too bad but yeah. also once got in between a horse and a metal fence and since then my rib cage is asymmetrical and my spine kinda crooked

54: What’s the last thing you purchased?

a fly protection mask for my horse. its pink :p

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

emotional manipulation i learned from my family food. i cook and bake pretty damn good.

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

a) yes totally bitches i finally want all the love and affection you denied me my entire life just to shoot you down and drop you like a hot potato which leads me to b) go wild. pack my bags and my pets, take up a credit and spend it like im literally gonna die lol c) not really. if youre dead ur dead

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

i dont want a tombstone i want to be laid out somewhere in the wild so animals can eat me. sounds morbid but its the only way of funeral that gives me mental piece. the sky above me, the grass underneath. not being BURNEd or BURIED in a small space. i also dont really want to be remembered, not bc i hate myself so much™ but simply bc we all return to the dirt one day and how is my dead meat better than a fox or a deer in the woods.

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

shurg. see who put them there or if they are sentient talk to them? ive been seeing sleep paralysis demons since im very young so as long as theyre not trying to choke me fine.

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

pls make low cal/healthy food affordable for everyone. also healthcare and housing. burn pedos and animals abusers publicly at a stake. thanks for listening.

[anxietysroomsupport]

Tw ED> (just a vent) I ate so much tonight and I feel terrible and disgusting just gross. It feels like everytime I eat I'm putting garbage in my body and I'm contaminating me but when I dont eat for a few days I'm fully clean then when I eat a lot (which you probabaly feel it's a regular meal) I feel like a disease and just disgusting. I hate feeling this way but I also dont bc I deserve some type of punishment for being so gross. And the worst part is I can easily choose not to eat but I dont

Tw ED (2/2) I deserve to feel disgusting and hate myself if I'm doing something disgusting. I just eat so much and halloween is coming up and my mom is forcing me to come to a party and there'll be so much food. And the way my sister talks about how I eat and how fat I am and how negatively she uses the word it makes me want to die bc yes I know I'm gross and I'm trying to stop. I dont want fat to be a bad thing in my mind bc it doesnt matter but for me and on me it does and I hate it so much

Tw ed> I shouldnt complain. It's my fault that I feel this way anyway. I'm the one who ate and as much as i did so it's only fair i feel this terrible. If I'd chosen not to put stuff in my mouth I wouldnt be feeling this way, I know I deserve I just hate everything right now. I forgot how many asks I sent just how but the ones with Tw ED> are from me and sorry if I sent a lot. I know you cant do anything so these were just vents, thanks for letting me vent

Hi Anon,

If you take away nothing else from this, just know that every time you eat and take care of yourself, I am cheering you on.  You deserve to eat whenever you want, however much you want, just by existing.  You don’t need to apologize for anything.

Life is messy.  Being “fully clean” isn’t something that can actually happen, because no such state exists.  If we ever did have nothing at all inside of us, we’d be dead.  So, yeah, some foods aren’t great for us, like candy or bacon, but even those serve to provide your body with the calories that it needs to keep functioning.  You should never feel bad for feeding your body what it needs.

Being hungry, needing to eat, does not make someone a disease.  And even when we are gross, disgusting, or whatever else, we still deserve love and care.  We still deserve to eat and meet our own needs.  Yes, you, too.  Because it’s actually incredibly difficult to choose not to eat.  To make that decision is to fight against everything your body is telling you when it’s hungry.  It’s a battle against yourself and you don’t need to fight it.

(tw in the article for short description of historical self-harm)  Here’s an article about how and why we punish ourselves, and how it doesn’t work long term to actually change behavior, AND how it actually hurts our mental health to keep trying.  When you lean into those guilty, worthless feelings because you think you deserve it, you’re punishing yourself for doing something you think was wrong.  Humans have always done this, and will likely continue to do so forever.  But guilt doesn’t serve us if it’s not helping us maintain healthy relationships with our friends, family, or community.  Applying guilt to yourself, for something you did to yourself, that you know you wouldn’t even care if other people did...  well, it’s not helping you, and it is hurting you.

You have not committed any wrongdoing here.  

The things your sister says to you are not true.  You are not gross for eating.  Being fat is not a bad thing.  Fat is beautiful!  Both of you have probably picked up that negative messaging from the culture of conventional beauty standards around you (commercials, magazines, school, hollywood), but it is not the gospel.  Ignoring it isn’t easy, but it can be done with practice.

This article talks about negative feelings towards ourselves, and how we can start to combat that.  Eating disorders are particularly hard to shake, and a therapist or counselor could really help you out here.  Seriously consider bringing this up to your parents or teachers, so they can help you get what you need.  There are links in that article and on our Emergency Resources page.  And while you’re getting that sorted out...

Start getting angry.  F- conventional beauty standards, and f- anyone who tells you it’s not okay to eat.  Curse as much as you like.  Eat what you like.  Be mad about it, because they’re actually the ones causing you all this pain.  They’ve made you think eating is wrong, and that’s messed up!  I’m not even joking, how dare they.  Really.  When you feel that hunger pang, and you start to feel guilty, get mad instead.  Get furious even.  Then eat something and know that with every bite you are dismantling toxic beauty standards and doing something good for yourself despite all odds.  (Be careful though, don’t make yourself sick by eating too fast, because this trick will have your adrenaline pumping.  If you feel absurd and giddy with power, that’s normal.  Lean into that for a hot minute and see how it feels.)

And please come back anytime, even just to vent.  You’re always welcome here.

-Miss Fay

[chasethesun18]

50 questions you’ve never been asked

tagged by @goddess-clarke​ 🥰

What is the colour of your hairbrush? purple and black

Name a food you never eat? seafood and red meat

Are you typically too warm or too cold? i used to be too cold all the time and then i went through a time where i was too hot and now im back to somewhere in the middle but mostly cold. my fingers turn blue a lot lolol

What were you doing 45 minutes ago? mm so i just watched the premier of blindspot s5 and it is now dead to me and i will be forgetting this episode happened and not continuing the season. so ive spent the last hour trying to erase the ep from my memory and cheer myself up. its not working so now im answering 50 questions. as one does.

What is your favourite candy bar? oh i don't know. it changes. i really like peanut m&ms and york patties

Have you ever been to a professional sports event?  professional...maybe? i think i’ve possibly been to a pro baseball. im from the south and we dont do pro we only do college. ive been to..idk hundreds on hundreds of those

What is the last thing you said out loud? told my mom i loved her. cause im cute like that.

What is your favourite ice cream? i like vanilla with a lot of toppings. but also coffee and mint chocolate chip 

What was the last thing you had to drink? im drinking cherry vanilla coke zero. yes its 11:42pm. dont judge me.

Do you like your wallet? yeah its cute. its little and red 

What was the last thing you ate? salad with chicken (oo she healthy)

Did you buy any new clothes last weekend? yeah no. i haven't bought new clothes in forever. actually got into an argument with my mom about that today

The last sporting event you watched? BEFORE SPORTS WERE CANCELLED YOU MEAN????? baseball. 

What is your favourite flavour of popcorn? ....popcorn has flavors? idk salt?

Who is the last person you sent a text message to? my sister. about said blindspot premier. she's writing a book and considering killing off one of the characters and i told her i didn't want someone to get to the end of her book and wish she hadn't read it which is how i feel about blindspot rn

Ever go camping? i do, my major is parks and rec so im a ~big outdoors girl~ but im actually more into the historical preservation side of things and i dont really like camping but i have been dragged into it bc of my major

Do you take vitamins? no but i take a shit ton of medication. y'all didnt need to know that srry.

Do you go to church every Sunday? yes. before that got cancelled too. its fine.

Do you have a tan? i do! super proud of it. its the beginning stages

Do you prefer Chinese food or pizza? pizza i hate chinese food

Do you drink your soda with a straw? yes

What colour socks do you usually wear? white

Do you ever drive above the speed limit? ....ok does anyone follow the exact speed limit? come on. ive never gotten a ticket tho

What terrifies you? a lot of things. small spaces. bugs. heights but only sometimes. losing a loved one. change. im an anxious person ok

Look to your left, what do you see? a wall (these are entertaining answers im serving yall)

What chore do you hate? vacuuming. GOSH I HATE IT. idk why but it pisses me off every time. i think its cause it makes me sweat and like why should i have to SWEAT from vacuuming? its so loud too i can't listen to music while i do it

What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? g’day mate

What’s your favourite soda? coke zero or dr pepper

Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive-thru? drive-thru unless the drive-thru is too long and then it defeats the purpose of going for fast food so i go in

Who’s the last person you talked to? my mom

Favourite cut of beef? i dont eat red meat :P

Last song you listened to? holding on and letting go - ross copperman (tvd forever)

Last book you read? my major is reading heavy and my minor (history) is even more reading heavy. i had a history class this semester where i had to read 6 books in their entirety so that's the last thing i read. i havent read for fun since i started college lol. but i do still read fanfic and that counts

Favourite day of the week? friday. its the anticipation of the weekend without the disappointment of the weekend

Can you say the alphabet backwards? lol no

How do you like your coffee? if i make it myself i like it with creamer and splenda. if i get it out i like sugar free vanilla lattes with nonfat milk (yes im a basic bitch I KNOW. i also take a sip and if it tastes wrong i go ‘um excuse me is this the nOn FaT MiLk’ like im literally that bitch)

Favourite pair of shoes? aesthetically ive got some bomb heels but i havent had the occasion to wear those in a long time

The time you normally go to bed? before all this 11-1. now idk time is just a construct 

The time you normally get up? ..before all this 8/9 depending on what time my class was. now i force myself to get up around 9/10. i dont naturally wake up. if i dont set an alarm i will sleep until 1pm

What do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? i like both but i havent seen many sunrises bc i dont wake up. so sunset

How many blankets on your bed? twooo

Describe your kitchen plates: the ones at my parents house are just plain white and the ones in my apartment are plain green. wow im plain.

Do you have a favourite alcoholic beverage? so ya girl just turned 21 !!!! and no, im not a big fan. it all tastes like cough syrup. help.

Do you play cards?. my family does sometimes. i think its boring

What colour is your car? dark grey. her name is the black pearl. shes not black tho....

Can you change a tire? no but ive never tried

Your favourite province? ok this question is gonna show my ignorant american side and i dont want it to soooo

Favourite job you’ve ever had? i used to work at this place that did mommy and me music classes. i taught the one that was a drop off class called school skills so it was like k5 for 3-4 yrs old

How did you get your biggest scar? i dont have many scars. i have one above my eye from falling backwards into a rocking chair lol

What did you do today that made someone else happy? i dont know, honestly. i feel like im barely interacting with people. i ran errands with my mom and i think that made her happy...but she was in a bad mood so hard to tell lolol

anyway, this was fun and now im not thinking about that show. crap now im thinking about it. UGH.

tagging: @hpfangirl13 @amazalina @dorisquinn @rebel-belles @vivianelynne20 @modernlifehistorian (i know you're there) @sherlolly-siya @fromiftowhen

[vaguelygeiszlerian]

1 to 50

ok i just saw this existed, i live on tumblr mobile where i ignore the activity tab and scroll endlessly, bear w me

Animated character that was your gay awakening? uhhhhhhh,,,....,,,.. if i remembered anything abt my childhood i would tell u, im gonna say rukia from bleach because i want gorgeous short people to step on me

Grilled cheese or PB&J? peanut butter Always... tho if it was a fancy grilled cheese (there is a special preparation).... i would be torn

What show/YouTube video(s) do you put on in the background when you when you don’t have anything to watch but you want something on? it really depends! i bounce around, i watch a lot of baumgartner restorations, i watch a LOT of nyx fears video essays on horror movies i would never watch, i watch longplays of, like, nier automata bc im still delighted by cryaotic?

Your go-to bar order, if you drink? i dont really get to order a lot of drinks at bars, itll depend, if im with friends ill order as many things off the cocktail menu as my money allows, if im with my parents ill order long island iced teas or whiskey and lemonade

What’s your favorite pair of shoes that you own? i literally own like 3 pairs of shoes, one of which being the only pair i can actually safely wear haha.... but my favorite pair is the black red and gold converse that dont fit anymore but still remind me of high school

Top three cuisines? mexican, italian, whomever the fuck invented kasoundi

What was your first word as a child (that wasn’t a variation of “Mom” or “Dad”)? yeah as said above i have no clue about anything about my childhood so idk i think mum said once that my first proper word was just ‘no’ which sounds abt right

What’s a job that you’ve had that people might be surprised to find out you’ve had? idk if my last job counts? i mean i used to do all round garden labor stuff until my pain got worse and i literally couldnt anymore so i got relegated to desk work

Look up. What’s directly across from you? oh a container of pesto i didnt like the flavour of and just... forgot to throw out.... i will do that tomorrow

Do you own any signed books/memorabilia in general? i have a rwby poster signed by ray and jack? its p cool

Preferred way to spend a rainy day? preferred right now? wrapped in a metric fuckton of blankets w my partner

What do you get on your bagels? What WOULD you get if you had access to anything you wanted? i..... dont like bagels

Brunch or midnight snacks? i live a weirdly scheduled life, midnight snacks and brunch are interchangeable to me now, so both

Favorite mug you own i..... dont really have one? all of my actual mugs that are mine have my deadname on them haha

What coffee drink would you describe yourself as? overbrewed black coffee that someone left to go cold before dumping six packs of sugar in

Pick a song lyric to describe your current mood (and drop the name and artist!) ‘ And I don't want your pity I just want somebody near me ‘ bc we all love a bit of mitski when we are feeling the self isolation creeping in

Fruity or herbal teas? fruity teas only! or rather i drink fruit tisanes! but if you mean actual tea then herbal, i only drink peppermint tea

What’s that one TV show that you’re a little bit embarrassed to watch but you still like nonetheless? fruits basket! everyone watch the reboot

That book you were forced to read for class but actually ended up enjoying? all the books i read for class sucked but medea wasnt so bad

Do you match your socks? only when theyre very fun patterned socks, and even then sometimes i will match them to the wrong pair but the same pattern, aka my double watermelon combo (i have a pair of green socks w watermelons and a pair of black socks w watermelons so)

Have you ever been horseback riding? no and i never will because i am fucking terrified of horses

What was your “phase” when you were younger? (i.e., Mythology Nerd, Horse Girl, Space Geek, etc) uh.... uh i mean im not sure if it counts as a phase but i was stupid into vampires (to the point of me and my friends constructing the intricate theory that our teacher was a vampire and we had to kill her by the time we graduated (she was not and we did not and i hate all of those people now) i was just the weird conspiracy kid i guess, we used to spend every lunch staring across the oval at a house we were SURE an alien lived in (it was just a plastic bag being rustled by a fan)

Have you ever been to jail? bkdnbrb god no

What’s your opinion on Lazy Susan’s (the spinning tray in the middle of tables)? im a lazy susan

Puzzles? i cant solve a rubiks cube but give me a 2000 piece jigsaw and ill sit there for 6 hours trying to solve it

You can only have one juice for the rest of your life, what is it? oh this is tough..... orange juice, the fancy kind but with no bits in it, i used to like the bits but these days i just want a clean juice experience

What section do you immediately head for when you walk into a bookstore? ,,,,,,the ya fiction section, i never buy anything from there but i like to see if series i read as a teenager ever got new instalments after i stopped liking them

What’s one thing you’re trying to learn/relearn in your downtime right now? how to sleep like a normal person

Who’s your go-to musical artist when you’re feeling upbeat? uh, it depends! lizzo or my playlist of musicals! (which is literally just starkid/tcb stuff)

Where could someone find you in a museum? i could literally be anywhere, probably in front of some old piece though, just staring for an hour bc im struck by the majesty of it (and my legs probably locked up so i couldnt move anyway)

What’s that one outfit in your closet you never get the chance to wear but want to? so i have a nice white button up and some really nice jeans i just got, and my suspenders, and my cool blue heels that i know i cant wear bc my legs cant handle walking in heels anymore, but it would look cool am i right

Rainbows, stars, or sunset colored clouds? i look up at my roof which is almost entirely covered in glow in the dark stars and then stare into the camera (i wish every day that my roof was like the roof of the healthy harold van, i still have fucking dreams of that beautiful ceiling)

If you could own any non-traditional pet (dogs, cats, fish, rodents, etc), what would it be? non traditional? id want a lizard that could curl round my shoulders like a leathery scarf

Do you have more art on your walls or more photographs? i dont have any photos on my wall so art by default

You have to get one meme tattooed on your body, what meme is it and where does it go? i just want the pensive emoji tattooed in the small of my back so if i wear a crop top everyone has to suffer with me

Pick a superhero sidekick to hang out with fuck superheroes they suck, can i hang out with jason todd red hood style

Lakes, rivers, or oceans? oceans, i want to go to the beach so fucking bad

Favorite mid-2000s song i dont really have a Big Favorite but like..... i constantly thank god for esteban

How do you dress when you’re home alone? ive been in the same sweatpants and old paint shirt i got from my painting and decorating course for three days

Where do you sit in the living room (we all have a preferred spot, and you know it)? armchair closest to the kitchen, perfect to make a quick escape if dad comes in

Knives or swords? knives, i dont have the upper body strength for swords

A song you didn’t think you’d enjoy but ended up loving? oh uh run away with me by crj, *bwoooooooo buhnuhnuuuuuu buhnuhnuuuuuhhh buhnuhnuuuuhhhhh*

Pick an old-school Disney Channel Original Movie HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL BUT SPECIFICALLY ONLY CERTAIN PARTS FROM EACH OF THEM BC COLLECTIVELY THEY SUCK BUT PARTS OF THEM ARE PERFECT

Are you a “Quote that relates to the photos” caption-er, an “explanation of where I took the photos” caption-er, or a no caption kinda person when you post pictures online? no caption i dont want people to really acknowledge that i post things

Name a classic Vine https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anQds9PQ7CA

What’s the freezer food that you stock up on when you go to the grocery store? hash browns hash browns hash browns ONLY

How do you top your ice cream? god its been so long since ive been able to eat ice cream.... with the reeses peanut butter ice cream shell topping

Do you like Jello? jelly is the pinnacle of our society and i wish i were eating it right now

What’s something that you don’t have a picture of that you wish you did? i wish i had a picture of myself and my partner so i could set it as my phone lock screen (that or i wish i had a picture of me and a friend i really dearly miss bc i have pics of her in my phone but not of us together and i want some but i cant bring myself to say so)

How are you at climbing trees? theres a tree in my front yard i used to be able to hang off but nowadays i think id hurt myself just trying to lift my nasty meat sack off the ground trying

[coralstudiies]

do you have any tips on confidence and boosting self esteem? sometimes i feel like i’m not good enough to talk to certain people, or that everyone else is better than me. and fear stalls me from success and my dream life.

aw hun, im sorry you're going through this:( i think we've all been there, ik how it feels because sometimes when i think im finally getting good at something, someone else's better performance swallows my confidence. i think it's a common thing. of course, you might beat yourself up over that (we all will, it's just accepting that we WILL blame ourselves and then commiting to improving ourselves the next time around) but you should never destroy yourself by excessively and frequently harbouring such negative thoughts when your confidence/self-esteem is challenged.

for confidence, i don't think positive pep talk works for me because for some reason, the heart seems to only listens to our own negativity. and that's the thing tbh; if we cant trick ourselves to think positively, then we should try to see things as 'factually' as we can. im not saying become a robot, but say, if you failed a math test, instead of thinking negatively like "i suck" (which are only 2 words but negative enough to hurt your spirit imo) you should think "i need to work on my integration" of course if positive thinking works for you, go ahead. but im assuming it hasnt been effective, that's why you're asking for advice. Imo you lack confidence because you're overflowing with self-directed negativity, related to self-esteem ofc, so the best you can do is lock all of that out of your head. bit by bit! it's gonna be hard at first, but if you cant trick yourself into looking on the bright side, at least don't peer into the darkness. even that would be enough to stop some failures from eating away at your confidence.

next, about self-esteem. usually ppl have low self-esteem bc they are chasing an ideal that isn't theirs! im not saying your dreams are ideals; in a way they're just a small part. they're chasing a 'perfect me'. but you already ARE the ideal. things will come to you, so think about it that way. but they only come when you take the right steps. When you follow the right process the right results will come. It is CAUSE first then EFFECT. Goal - Thoughts - Feelings - Actions - Results - Ideal. it is somewhere along this path where you have stumbled, so find out where and sort it out asap. this is what's stopping you from becoming your own wonderful ideal. when people think they're not ideal, they naturally experience a plunge in self-esteem. and i really think there's no general way to boost self esteem except to find out whats going wrong and then fixing it. because self esteem is very closely tied to feelings, which is tied to your thoughts and hence your goals. in the same way, because it is tied to your feelings, it affects your actions, results and ideal. so its fricking endless and harmful.

you really gotta look into the issue, try your best to probe in deep even if it hurts. because trust me i've been there. i beat myself up over the smallest of things even tho i myself have won quite a healthy amount of medals and i KNOW i can do it. but my heart doesnt think so. and THEN i lack the confidence to really do what i need to do when i compete. and then i dont get the results. then at that moment, i am a step short of the ideal me. it's really a shit ton of factors coming in to play. but it all starts with me and my negativity, me and my self-blame, me and my unconfidence. but if you have the ability to start it off this way, you have the ability to turn it all around! my coach used to say, 你有多自卑就能有多自信 i.e. however inferior you can feel, is as confident as you can be. it's in you anon. you have the power. u just gotta harness it and change things for yourself step by step. idk if i helped bc like i said in an earlier answer to an ask, i'm the kind to brute force my way thru my own struggles.

but as my last reminder to u(which is not so related, but just in case its the ppl around u who intentionally make u feel bad ) circumstances don't have power over you. you -- after getting rid of(or at least minimising) whatever self-esteem issues you have -- have power over your circumstances. idk im just rly sorry that u feel like that, i know i dont give the best advice but i rly wish the best for u:) i have faith in how far you'll go!

[karmanticmoved]

1-85 uwu

j esus okay

1. describe yourself.

uh,, emotional ig, dumbass, quiet, exhausted all of the time, v queer, healthy mix of feminine and masculine, insecure, and not tha t great tbh. kinda a pussy ass b itch

2. if you could go anywhere for a week all expenses paid where would it be?

idrk. maybe somewhere like a hella nice beach in another country, maybe somewhere in europe. i like travelling but i hate the travel to get there and have no money so i havent put thought into it. maybe hawaii or somewhere like that.

3. do you have siblings?

the one thats still alive is my half brother

4. what is your favorite constellation, why?

orion maybe bc i don't know a lot but i can see that one from my bedroom window even in the city n idk. its comforting. or scorpius cause i'm a scorpio

5. favorite color.

yellow, pink, or blue.

6. what kind of music do you listen to?

almost anything. whatever catches my interest.

7. favorite flower. (you can name as many as you want cause flowers are awesome)

forgot what i said last time but those

yellow carnations i think?

8. if you could do magic, what is the first spell you would learn?

maybe smth to put myself to sleep immediately bc f uCk

9. favorite childhood memory.

my summer camp memories are pretty great. also memories of my dad and i going fishing are good.

10. have you ever been cheated on?

i mean in theory i couldve been bc online relationships but no. n im polyam and have identified as such for a majority of my relationships so no.

11. if you could describe your perfect room, what would it be?

big but not too big, yknow? like big enough that it can be filled and have room to walk around and lay on the ground or whatever but not Empty. and a pretty big bed to stretch out on, n a closet in the room. multiple windows w blackout curtains so theres light but it can be blocked out. n fluffy rugs or carpeting but preferably rugs in case smth spills so we can get it out of at least Remove the rug. and probably a cat tree thing in corner for dipper. n a computer desk and actual lights that light up the whole room. but probably,, fairy lights too bc full lights too bright. and i kinda want a pink room but blue or yellow work also. a nd pride flags on the walls + posters and various other stuff bc plain walls are boring. and tons n tons of b ooks too.

12. favorite animal.

river otter

13. what was the last photo you took of?

cat

14. do you believe in soul mates?

i'm not sure. i do kinda think there are people who you will like. really really click with and who become so important in your life that they're like. apart of u yknow? but i don't think that anyone as an individual needs to keep those people in their life forever. they arent destined to stay with them, and they shouldnt force that relationship (platonic, familial, romantic, or whatever) even if they were close for years and years. screw destiny. youll have people you care about, and sometimes you have to break that bond to save yourself, and thats okay. there will be other people who can and will be just as important. that got kinda off topic skbsks. i don't think theres really like Destiny soulmates. but there could be like. soulmates in the sense of for however long we're together, we're soul bonded. even if its not forever. does that even make se nse skbsns

15. do you hang toilet paper over or under?

over is the one thats socially acceptable right

16. your go to place to eat & your favorite thing to get there.

idk theres a place near a movie theater closeish to my house and its a nice little cafe and i dont eat there bc i dont eat much in general but i get their bubble tea and i love. raspberry bubble tea w rose popping bubbles. its comfort drink.

17. do you believe everything happens for a reason?

no. sometimes shit happens for no reason, and its bullshit, but you can't reverse it, so you gotta figure out how to move on from it.

18. guilty pressures?

im assuming thats meant to be pleasures

umm,, idrk. i don't know what exactly i like that would count as a guilty pleasure so,,

19. favorite mythical creature, why?

merpeople are s o cool i fuckin. love funky aquatic pals hell yeah. maybe im just Water babey but. they're rad. dragons are also hella cool bc like dragons???? theyre scaly and prett y and can breathe fire or have wings and kill u?? also like selkies bc again. water. but i used to hear a lot of stories abt them and theyre so nea t

20. something most people don’t know about you.

i have the potential to be a huge asshole and also kinda Wish to fuckin murder someone sometimes but. i act nice most of the time anyway.

not murder murder but i can get angr y enough that i just wanna Stab smth

21. where did you grow up, what was it like?

grew up kinda near the edge of the city, still in it but not like the main city area. in western washington. it was kinda rly boring, i used to spend a lot more time outside or just by myself playing with leaves or toys or whatever. when i had friends i played make believe w them even when outside of school. so yeah. boring id say.

22. do you believe aliens exist?

sure.

23. what was your last google search?

other than names for some actors n stuff, i was looking up various star wars things

24. what did your last relationship teach you?

the one that like. ended? i guess thatd be. be careful with your own feelings and try to figure them out before jumping into anything, and also don't try to force smth that in reality isnt really working.

25. would you relocate for love?

honestly yeah

26. do you hold grudges or forgive easy?

both. it just depends on how badly i or someone i care about was hurt by it. more likely to hold a grudge if a friend was hurt by someone d eep enough to leave a lasting impact or if they don't get a genuine apology i will be 🔫🔫. or if the person keeps hurting them. even if that person is also my friend.

27. favorite book.

favorite graphic novel is bloom by kevin panetta

favorite books in general are autoboyography, more happy than not, and what if its us. all gay. i know. its okay. im a kinnie.

28. do you consider yourself an extrovert or introvert?

introvert by far

29. have you ever kept a journal, do you now?

i tried once. i probably will have to once i go see a therapist, or at least one for my Bad Thoughts

30. top 5 favorite movies.

in no particular order

little shop of horrors, love simon, coco, it (2017 and 1990), and shazam! ig? maybe others but i definitely Forgot all the shit ive watched

31. do you believe that everything happens for a reason?

no

32. what is your greatest fear?

definitely gotta be all of the people i love hating me and abandoning me or secretly hating me and then leaving me without saying anything. and the worst part is im always afraid its gonna happen babeyy

33. favorite alcoholic beverage.

im baby

34. most embarrassing thing you’ve done.

im embarrassed by my own existence. i don't remember the Most embarrassing thing

35. do you believe in ghosts?

not until i have proof that i can actually trust and believe in

36. what is the best and worst part of your personality?

idk ig im nice. but im also. very easily set off on certain emotions especially the bad ones which sucks like especially jealousy bc i dont wanna!! feel jealous!! tho i think that ties into my greatest fear bc my brain immediately tells me im useless to everyone and they hate me. but. sometimes i get jealous and then feel bad for that and then hate myself for all of it. bc my friends deserve to hang out w other people and care about other people im just fucking stupid babey !!

37. should you split the dinner bill?

i rly don't get why you wouldnt tbh like if u both wanna be there u should both pay. but if one person gonna pay it should be the person that asked.

38. are you a good liar?

most of the time. when it comes to my mental health i can either lie great or im literally breaking down in front of the person so

39. what keeps you up at night?

depressing thoughts. anxiety about everything. wishing i could cuddle and fall asleep w jay. sometimes i just cant sleep bc im too restless.

40. would you rather go without your phone or music?

music. i need my phone to text my friends and i Need my friends

41. do you believe in god?

what god would let the world get to the point its at. what god would allow people to do such fucked up shit.

no. i don't.

42. how do you relax when frustrated?

cry, take a nap, take a shower, listen to music, cuddle dipper

43. what’s something that offends you?

when people go "oh yeah i support gay rights but im still gonna eat at chick fil a bc its good" like i get so fucking. pissed off by that. youre not gonna fucking s ta rv e without their goddamn chicken. i know a bi person who goes there and says its okay bc they dont Directly Give Their money to Specifically anti gay organisations but im just. ugh. fucking pissed bc there are other places to get food just avoid the one place for fucks sake. their food is good it doesnt matter. its like saying yeah pewdiepie is a bad person and nazi and a racist asshole but his videos r funni haha so im gonna watch him anyway

44. favorite food

i hate myself whenever i eat food

45. if you were on a 10 hour flight and could sit and talk to any person the entire time, who would it be?

@destinedformuchmore or @pinaplelee

46. when do you feel the most confident?

never? but ig i feel confident when working on tech construction during theater tech. as long as i know what im doing.

47. what do you do in your free time?

sleep. draw. cry. play video games. talk to my friends.

48. is there anyone who has completely lost your respect

matpat did for being a dick abt neopronouns and making a transphobic joke and only apologizing when a cis person told him to. not when hundreds of trans people did. and also other jokes that are inherently offensive to various groups. a n d for making extremely not Child friendly jokes in his videos which are very much targeted towards kids. say what you will about the target audience, there are a lot of children who watch them. please stop making creepy nsfw jokes if you won't even swear, sir.

49. have you ever broken someone’s heart?

i guess so yeah. but she also broke mine first.

50. did/do you play sports in school?

i did. i don't anymore bc highschool sports are bullshit but. basketball, ultimate, and soccer.

51. when are you happiest?

talkin 2 jay prolly

52. coffee or tea?

tea

53. what is one possession you own you wouldn’t want to live without?

my binder. or my stuffed cat puppet thing ive had since i was 7

54. what is the first thing you notice about a person?

their general emotions, mostly. like if theyre in a good mood or if theyre bored or distracted or whatever. or if they seem interested in actually talking to me

55. what is your favorite season, why?

fall. my birthday, the atmosphere is nice, it's pretty, its hoodie weather.

56. what makes you laugh?

stupid little comments or jokes my friends make tend to make me laugh a lot harder than i should but jabdn

57. are you a clean or messy person?

a mix. i Cannot have some things messy or i will ksjqkd. Die but i don't make my bed too often bc its ha rd when its against 3 walls.

58. what is important for a successful relationship?

communication communication communicati

talk about ur goddamn problems n keep talking to each other.

59. what was your upcoming like?

if thats supposed to be upbringing

idk, very relaxed. pretty easygoing and kinda boring.

60. favorite holiday?

any holiday in december rly. i don't celebrate a Lot but the atmosphere and others celebrating is nice to see. i kinda wish my parents did more to embrace the jewish part in our family blike. whatever. christmas is fun.

61. what is the first thing you’d do if you won the lottery?

give half of it to my parents. and then probably use it for plane ticket

62. what’s the best pizza topping combination?

hawaiian pizza. pinapple n canadian bacon ty

63. favorite outdoor activity.

frisbee

64. how are you? honestly.

not great. i want highschool to end.

65. would you rather go camping in the woods or stay at a beach resort?

idk. camping is fun but if i get to stay at the resort for free i would rly love 2 stay at a resort tbh ive never done that

66. what is the most beautiful thing in nature?

waterfalls. or rivers or just. water in nature. and very green forests. aNd snow.

67. favorite type of candy?

none

68. if your life was a book, what would be the title?

i can and will do arson, an autobiography

69. what movie quotes do you use of a regular bases?

i quote john mulaney and whatever my obsessions are pretty regularly

70. what was cool when you were young but not cool now?

silly bandz. pokemon cards. these weird unicorn figures i collected

71. what’s the craziest conversation you have ever eves dropped on?

im mostly the one having the weird conversations

72. what’s the most interesting documentary you’ve ever watched?

i watched one about dogs and cats and their evolution which was lit

73. what’s the worst hairstyle you’ve had?

when i let the lady just go fuckin ham on my hair bc i was watching spirit that horse movie and didnt wanna stop so it was. rly bad bangs and hella short in back but not the sides

74. what do you like to cook?

whatever im hungry for. i don't have the energy to cook a lot

75. what’s the coolest animal you’ve seen in the wild?

really pretty tropical fish

76. what’s the funniest tv show you’ve ever seen?

idk. i rly like schitts creek its pretty amusing

77. do you usually follow your heart or your head?

heart at first but my head if things get bad

78. what is your favorite quote?

"i have a splitting headache and i think i'm dying. how are you?"

or a character just saying "try harder" when another failed to do smth.

this is supposed to be deep or whatever but im in a Mood

79. what’s the weirdest crush you have ever had?

once had a crush on a character in a minecraft parody lmao

80. what’s your love language?

sending shit that makes me think of them. n just. making tons of stuff for them both online and irl like bracelets.

81. do you ever feel alone?

oh yeah. all the time. im not but it feels like i am which sucks

82. ever been bullied?

yeah

83. are you usually early or late?

late bc of my parents rip

84. what kind of art do you enjoy most?

drawing, or writing. also theater.

85. what do you wish you knew more about?

i just wish i could remember everything ive learned more about. i know a lot i just forget all.

id like to know more about forensics tho

[bi-rezi]

I got into thinspo type shit when I was about 14, about the same time I read wintergirls by laurie halse anderson. (dont read that book, btw.) I was the skinniest I've ever been, largely bc that was also before the doctors were able to nail down a diagnosis for my ulcerative colitis, let alone treatment. I counted calories, I wrote down everything I ate, the whole thing. and then I got my diagnosis and had the realization that with the colitis, I could actually die of malnutrition if I didnt eat. so I did what I do best and forced it all to the back of my mind. I threw away my calorie journal and stopped looking at thinspo and pushed any thoughts of the yellow bubbles of fat under my skin (thanks ms anderson) as far to the back of my mind as I could and tried to eat like a real person again.

and it mostly worked, even though I was still insecure about my body. I didnt think about the phrase "emptystrong" (thanks ms anderson) for ages. I gained weight, broke 100lbs again and filled out some. started actually growing breasts and hips, as one does during puberty.

then I went on prednisone. then I stayed on prednisone for about 5 continuous months. at one point I was taking 60mg a day. if you're not familiar with prednisone, it's a corticosteroid that people arent generally prescribed for longer than 2 weeks because the side effects (weight gain, fat collecting in odd places, depression, increased appetite, acne, etc) are so numerous and problematic. it wouldn't've happened if we hadn't been in the process of switching insurance and therefore switching doctors, but it did. to be honest I could sue, if we could afford to do that kind of thing.

I was probably around 120 when i started on the prednisone. by the time I got off it, I was probably about 180, and I didnt stop slowly gaining weight until just recently, 4 whole years later. not to mention that I was always hungry, no matter how much I ate. my face blew up like a balloon - prednisone moon face is why I look the way I do - and I got horrible, horrible acne. and, of course, it really fucked with my preexisting depression, not to mention the stress of being a 15 year old girl and having your whole entire appearance ruined.

I never quite got back into thinspo proper, but I didnt need to when now almost any model or actress was sure to be so much skinnier than me that it had the same effect. I wasnt the only fat person in my friend group, nor was I the biggest or heaviest, but i felt like the ugliest and I probably was. i felt 100% unlovable, like anything else about me was overshadowed by how horrible I looked. any self-esteem I'd previously had was just gone. I got into some pretty harmful depressive habits.

the first time I opened up about the prednisone to someone who both hadn't been there while it was happening and who had been on prednisone themself was when I was 16. I was in Scotland, I was flirting with the idea of being nonbinary, and I was with an all-girls choir. but they were all kind to me, and friendly enough to even consider some of them friends. a couple of us were chronically ill, so I talked about my colitis and the prednisone. one of the girls had been on it before and she was shocked to hear that I'd been on it so long. she didnt say it, but I bet she was thinking something along the lines of "no wonder you look like that."

(I actually came out as nonbinary for the first time on that trip. I skyped my girlfriend at the time and told her, and the next day I told the entire choir, all at once.)

any self esteem I have now, any positive thing i think about my body or my face, i had to build from the ground up. i have fought tooth and nail against my depression and my anxiety and everything else going on in my brain to get to where I am today wrt positivity. sometimes it still feels like fighting to feel good about myself. sometimes I lose and just feel like shit all day.

it helps to actually look around at the real people you know. your mom, your grandma, your teachers, your friends - maybe one or two of them looks like a thinspo model but the rest of them look much more... normal. because it is normal to carry fat on your body - you are not grotesque, you are not a whale of a person, you are not beyond saving or loving.

another thing that's been helping has been working on my relationship to food. I still struggle with what feels like the basics - just eating enough. often, between my various mental problems and my physical health, I don't have the spoons to make healthy food, and money is also an issue with that type of thing. I would just... not eat, because I couldn't make anything and I couldn't afford anything healthy. but the thing is that the rules are different when you still struggle to make 3 meals a day happen. getting any food into your body, no matter what it is, is a LOT better than not having any food in your body. I couldn't afford healthy premade food, but I could afford shitty food. it was hot, and it was filling, and it was better than an empty stomach and I'll never regret eating mcdonalds when I couldn't cook for myself.

it is not easy. I still dont have a properly healthy relationship with food, or with my body image. I feel like shit a lot of the time, and I slip up and miss meals often. but I am doing better, and that is all I can ask for.

[poppy-metal]

There is going to be a lot of triggering things up ahead, dealing with rape, suicide, abusive relationships, and the like. So if you can't handle hearing about that stuff it's okay. Take care of yourself.

I just need to tell my story right now, because it's the last time I might be able to tell it. I've kept it inside for so long but I need to let it out.

I don't remember a time where I wasn't full of anxiety. Ever. My parents weren't in the healthiest relationship and fought all the time. My mom was okay, if a bit immature and wild at times. But I loved her, and she used to love me. My dad was a different story. I can't ever remember feeling safe around him. Not once. He was, is, bipolar and would scream at me and hit me and lock me in my room over the smallest infractions, like, missing a spot when I cleaned the dishes, or not wanting to play outside. He also touched me sexually (': every night he'd come into my room to say 'good night' and spoon me and touch my body and just kiss my neck and squeeze my chest and touch between my legs. Every night I dreaded bed time. Every night I just layed there and let him do what he wanted and said nothing. I don't think I knew what it meant, I just knew how scared and uncomfortable it made me. My mom never knew, she still doesn't. No one does. This happened for as long as I can remember, from when I was like 5 (that's as far back as my memories go) to when I was 13. I developed a nervous tick from the stress of worrying when I was next going to be hit or touched, and got made fun of in school for that, because my hands would shake.

My mom and dad got a divorce then and my mom moved to Florida and I begged her to take me with her. I couldn't be the only female in that house with my dad. I couldn't. She did and I was happy for a bit (': my grandparents and the rest of my family live in Florida and it was nice. I lived with my mom for awhile, 3 years, from 13 to 15/16. And at the beginning it was okay, like I said before, I loved my mom. She was cool and fun and I just wanted to impress her all the time. I just wanted her to notice me. I just wanted to be fun and free like she was. She started making friends that weren't good people, drug addicts and convicts and homeless people. There would be up to 10 random people in our house at a time and at first, even though it was weird and made me uncomfortable, I tried to be cool with it. Then stuff started getting bad. The men (bc it was all guys) started noticing me more and more and started making comments on how pretty I was, how much I looked like my mom. One in particular, being my mom's boyfriend, noticed me the most. Whenever my mom wasn't in the same room he'd be at my side, wanting to know how I was doing and letting me know how 'sexy' I was. I started locking my door at night (a habit I still have now, I need to lock doors) and had trouble sleeping due to the sounds of people getting wasted and partying all night long. I started falling behind in school. One day someone in my class started a rumor that I was into witchcraft bc I wore all black all the time and didn't speak. (': no one talked to me or tried to. I went home that day and cried, and got mad at my mom and told her she needed to get her shit together bc how she was living wasn't healthy. She called me a loser and said I was just jealous of the attention she got and that I had no life and her boyfriend (Kyle) was there the whole time just watching me, so I went to my room and cried my eyes out. I forgot to lock the door that night and it was the worst mistake of my life.

TW GRAPHIC DETAIL OF RAPE: he came in that night and I was under the covers still silently crying and he just slid under them next to me, just like my dad used to, and I just. Froze. I just froze because that's what I do when I panic, and he pulled me to him and touched me all over and moaned so loud, and kept telling me how fucking hot I was and how I'd teased him for so long by wearing shorts and baggy shirts around the house. He fingered me and I'll never forget how sweaty his hands were and how dry I was and how much it hurt. I'll never forget feeling his hot body and the alcohol and weed on his breathe when he pressed me down and raped me. It's awful how the whole time I wasn't even panicking anymore. Because in that moment it clicked for me. I didn't matter. Im a waste of space. I'm nothing. I just stared at my dresser the whole time and thought about nothing. I've never felt more blank and empty then in that moment. He finished, not inside, but on my sheets, and left just as quietly as he had come. And I just. Stopped. I stopped feeling. I stopped everything. I was 15. I stopped waking up early in the morning to go to school. My mom didn't even notice I'd stayed home most days. I'd just lay in bed and sleep all day. I cut myself in the shower. I didn't eat. I got touched and felt up a few more times after that, 2 by Kyle and 1 by someone else. I didn't care, I just detached myself. I probably would have died soon, but my school noticed I hadn't been attending classes for months and contacted my grandparents bc my mom wouldn't answer. I got taken out of my mom's home and moved in with my grandparents for that reason. My mom didn't care. Kyle said he'd miss me.

I don't know when but I got my emotions back slowly. My grandparents bought me a phone and a computer and that's when I discovered online. It helped so much. It really did. I met nice people. I met my best friend. I met my first ex. (': he was my first love and at this time, I still didn't know what being treated with respect was like. He took advantage of that. He abused me mentally daily, and told me I was worthless and that there were much better options around and that I was weak for letting myself be raped and doing nothing. I don't know why I loved him. We accept the love we think we deserve so. He ended up cheating on me and telling me it was my fault. The worst part is I still kept in contact with him and every now and then we'd talk (when he was single and needed some side ass) and he'd be mock sweet and tell me I was important only to get nudes from me and then ditch me again the second his main goal came back. Inadequacy hello 😎 this happened from when I was about 17/18.

I then went through what I thought was a positive time in my life. I met my other ex and he seemed so good. He seemed to love me, he seemed to want me. And for a year I was happy. And then he too, cheated on me 😎 in the word possible way, by force. And now that I look back on it there were a lot of ways he wasn't good. He ignored me a lot and invalidated me whenever there was an argument.

So at this point I've decided I'm worth about shit, right? A dad who cares about me a little to much, a mom who doesn't at all anymore e except when she needs money. Two boyfriends who found better options and who lied and cheated and abused me.

Wrong. Because I started my tumblr and made alot of online friends. Friends who I adore and love and have feelings for. Friends who seem to love me back. And I thought that was enough but 😎

There is now a family friend who has taken to noticing me too much, to touching me when he has the chance. He's been getting close and closer for the past year. My dad sent me a letter on my birthday telling me he can't wait to see me when he gets out, how much he thinks I've probably grown so much prettier then he remembers, how much he can't wait to hold me again. I got felt up at the grocery store the other day. My mom and her boyfriend visited and Kyle picked me up and copped a feel and he still smelled like alcohol and weed just like always.

That family friend touched me again today. Worse then that he called me pretty and when we were alone he sat next to me on the couch and put his hand on my leg and let it travel up, and up. And I did nothing. I did nothing.

I am nothing. Everyone needs who reads this now knows why. I don't have worth. I don't have value. It's all been taken. I don't have anything left to give anyone. I want to fall in love, I have already, with someone, I think. They've shown me so much kindness and I've opened up to them and they've seen sides of me no one has and they deserve so much but I'm nothing and I can't give anything. I'm not worth them, I'm not and I'll never be. I'm not worth anyone. I am dirt, I am scum, I am a husk of a person. I'm not sexy or beautiful or special or fragile or lovely. I am tainted and bruised and so, so ugly. I'll never be worth love and happiness. Never.

By the time you finish this post I will have downed as many pills as I possibly can. I'm to much of a coward to cut anymore. I dont even know if ill die or not. I just need to sleep and not think about how worthless I am for awhile. I'm sorry. I've already been letting myself waste away by not eating.

I am not worth being loved or treasured. I'm not worth having love. I'm not worth having a boyfriend or girlfriend that love me. I'm not.

[oldmyths]

i never judge ppl for holding grudges for a long time. like, when someone hurts u imo its ur business how you feel about it and u dont owe anyone anything, u dont have to forgive them or try to be the “bigger person” by forcing urself to have a civil discussion w them. i find that line of reasoning pretty bullshit anyway? it’s all situational and depends on the circumstances of course but i don’t think anyone should try to dictate how somebody responds to mistreatment or abuse

in my case i feel extremely petty for still thinking about this and like i can’t let things go bc this has been eating at me for the better part of like five or six years, and for six and a half years i’ve been shifting from repressing it to accepting that i can’t change anything about it to letting go and forgetting about it for a few days if i’m lucky. or, at its worse, i let it wear down my thoughts over and over until i’m jst making the same points and going in circles around myself

my coming out experience was a disaster and it made me fear my parents but worst of all i only came out bc my partner at the time made me. i felt like i was given an ultimatum, and i was being accused of putting it off because i didn’t want to see them in person, because i was ashamed of them, because i didn’t actually love them, etc. i didn’t come out cos i wanted to share a part of myself with my parents but bc if i didn’t then my partner would be upset with me

and it’s taken me. this long to realize that. it’s taken me six years to really see the power imbalance in that relationship (my first relationship) and it’s taken me i think like, four or four and a half years after breaking up with the same person again (after they hurt me again) to realize that even if i had the means to lay down my boundaries they would most likely guilt me over how needy they are and how abusive they are bc they’re more than capable of giving me space but it feels like i don’t care about them bc i’m not kissing their ass from the moment i wake up to the second i fall asleep

i don’t want to call them abusive bc it’s. really fuckin complicated. but both times we tried to be together it didn’t work out and i felt like shit because i felt like i failed them. so it wasn’t exactly fuckin healthy either.

i guess what i need most of all is closure that i know i’m never gonna get bc i’d rather pluck out my teeth with my fingers than interact with them again and i need to move on from this without repressing my feelings or letting my guilt and anger suffocate me. most of all i just want to stop thinking about this