#this is literally the only issue ive had with this phone for the record

[syntaxaero]

having a "normal" one because my phone's fingerprint sensor doesn't work anymore all the sudden

[yungviry]

rant again

well im fucking upset. not intentionally, ive been having a conversation with my ex boyfriend for like the last week. and i always tell myself not to reply cause there's no fucking use. we've had the same conversation over and over again and neither of us seem to agree with the events that took place in our relationship, nor i guess who's at fault (cause someones's always to blame on how it ended)

essentially hes to blame for the whole relationship flopping but he doesnt see it that way. he sees my retaliation as an issue. because according to him im supposed to be the bigger person. im not the woman he was molding me to be and gets upset i go off script. i swear narcissist will never see themselves as the one at fault for anything. personally i can see i was a petty betty, but because i never got the sorry i wanted and i still wanted to be with him (but thats my own self esteem issues at work)

im saving a lot of the story for the eventual book i write so i only vent so much but also it wont really make a difference seeing as ill probably phrase things differently once i get to that point to im gunna actually be a little vulnerable-ish cause its all public knowledge really. but you get it im writing it down instead of just telling my coworkers lol.

basically. i met malik around august of 2019. at the time i was on tinder so i was casually fucking multiple people at this point ( at least 4 other guys besides him) i was doing porn videos with one of my casual partners (sup byrd) nothing serious, just recording ourselves while we hung out. it was cool. they had made some noise when we first started putting them out that march/april. his profile was in the top 2 on xvideos which i very much enjoyed. lowkey weird seeing yourself when youre looking for something to rub your frustrations out on lol. malik and i met in august, i had already had porn videos out in the internet. he was not my boyfriend immediately. he didnt ask me till like 3 weeks of dating. i told him about the sex tapes the first week i met him. i cant remember if it was that same first day i met him or if it was the morning or day after, some shit along those lines. but you get the jist i told him i had sex tapes out BEFORE he ever asked me out.

now that a little backstory has been set up, he sit there and tries to make me feel bad for the sex tapes, knowing i didnt post them, some other dude did. i have no control over them being on the internet, i had agreed and even out of respect for malik i asked byrd to take them down and he refused so it basically ended there. i cant force some dude to do some shit for me. much less to spare my boyfriend at the times feelings. and still now he continues to torment me with "he cant get pasted my sex tapes" YOU DIDNT HAVE TO ASK ME OUT. i told him i had them out when i was single and still wants to be upset abut shit i did when i was single. like most bitches, usually if you dont like something from someones past and you cant seem to get past it, i wouldnt even ask them out in the first place.

maybe a month into us going out i go thru his phone and BAM theres hella messages to other bitches where hes literally flirting to all of them, some of them even happen to be at times were hanging out together. I had shown him how to make flautas maybe a couple weeks into us habnging out and there in his ig messages he was telling some random bitch hed make her flautas. ANd essentially from there it all started.

from that moment i could never trust him. i remember we were laying on the couch at my house when i was going thru the phone and i kicked him out m,y house. i remember i was heartbroken cause i really liked him already. we had spent almost every single day together since meeting each other and this shit was just unbelievable to me. we probably broke up for like 3 days and i was just aruguing over text with him thew whole time. i remember i didnt really wanna end things, but i couldnt deal wit the cheating. cause literally the day he asked me to be his girlfriend the only thing i had warned him about was infidelity. i have always thought cheating is the worst thing you can do to someone. its selfish, its hurtful, its destructive. those 3 days i remember he spent begging for me back, telling me how hed never do it and listing off all the ways he was going to make it up to me. he would repeat to me that hes do anything to have me forgive him.

eventually we had the conversation of what it would take for me to go back. i said i would need him to do things in order to feel like i could trust him, and at the time he happily agreed to all the conditions. helll, hed even offer to let me slap him as hard as i could to take him back. and trust me i felt like slapping the shit out of him. and then there i go back. i gave him his slaps and all his conditions and he said hed follow them. and that lasted 4 months (but not really cause according to the dates on his phone he never stopped talking to bitches behind my back) but i didnt catch him till like February.

literally from that fist instant i really should have just left him forever but my dumbasss had no respect for myself so i thought because we had a good connections i could look past the bullshit. i ate up his lies too about him changing, but i should have left regardless of all that. my hard no was cheating, he cheated and still my ass gave him a chance. i shouldnt have to give chances and make list of things i need to regain my trust. i should have dipped. cause at the end of the day all his words were just that, words. he didnt change, if anything he only got meaner with me and stricter. he was mad i was a fun girl and i guess he wanted to catch up on bodies? im not sure what it was but he never stayed loyal to me the whole relationship and would constantly lie about it. and he wouldn't admit till i had proof that he was. and again try to sell me a dream on hoiow hed change and how he loves me. blah blah blah cause in the end he was lying and i just turned petty. i stopped believing him and constantly accused him of cheating.

and i guess thats what bothered him, so you see it was a toxic cycle that HE STARTED. CAUSE HE FUCKING CHEATED ON ME. but for some reason because i was mean to him AFTER HE CHEATED ON ME im the bitch in this whole situation and its my fault he stepped outside the relationship and constantly lied about it.

obviously i can get more into it cause it went on for years and my dumbass just believed he was gunna change, even though i literally accused him daily. but to my surprise (or not really) i was right the whole time. he wsa cheating, lying and happily taking my money. bum ass bitch.

but yea we have conversations now and still he doesnt seem to understand HE"S the reason we never worked out. cause what the fuck do i look like trying with a bitch that doesnt know how to keep his eyes on his own girl. he should of just just dumped me but too late. now i dont like him a nd personally bashing him online makes me feel better. i get to warn other girls that he hits girls and has herpes (cause he also doesnt like to tell bitches hes fucking [which i can confirm he fucked at least 3 girls while we were together and he knew he had herpes and didnt tell them] that his ass has HERPES)

uggggghhhhh i dont even really like getting into it cause its pointless. he did me dirty and hell never acknowledge its all his fault. literally everything i did was just the repercussion of his actions. and im tired of his punk ass trying blame me for any of the bad he caused/created.

[fill-me-with-your-memes-daddy]

Watching the Rise of the Titans movie and I'll be documenting all of my thoughts/reactions here. [Spoiler Warning]

So instead of reblogging every new update, I'm just going to have this post up on my phone as I watch and type my reactions in a bullet list format.

Nari's human disguise is so cute. As someone who does have a cottagecore aesthetic, I want to cosplay her so bad

Are Skrael and/or Belroc non-binary coded? Regardless, I'm also obsessed and I want to fuck Skrael and be Belroc.

STEVE CARING ABOUT JIM BEING HURT YESSSS!!! My god his redemption has probably been one of the greatest there is because he doesn't just suddenly go from being a bully to a completely good person. You can see the gradual shift in learning better throughout the shows which is awesome.

IN NEW YOOOOOOORRRRRRRK!!!!!! CONCRETE JUNGLE WHERE DREAMS ARE MADE OFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!

The mugshot montage reminded me of season 1 of trollhunters when toby and Jim were arrested at the museum.

STRICKLER PUT A RING ON IT??? HE'S THE ONLY DILF IVE EVER ACTUALLY AGREED WAS HOT WYM I CAN'T HAVE HIM??? well I'm still really happy about his arc over the series probably one of my favorite character growths.

Eli my guy got his growth spurt!!! As an 18 year old who is still 5'0", I'm happy but envious for him

So I went into this movie without watching any trailers or promo, but I doubt anything could have prepared me for the existence of mpreg. In fact, I wasn't going to document my reactions until I saw that.

NAMURA!!!!!!!!! MY BELOVED!!!!!! I CAN STILL THIRST FOR YOU WITHOUT GUILT

The coach teacher just called the kids zoomers so I have to dock one point from my final rating just because of that. Unforgivable

Those husky animation models suck lmao

Oh fuck the titans got power ranger zords!!

God why did they include the mpreg??? This movie would have been perfect without it.... After that plot point being revisited only one time I'm already beyond done with it

Like it's bringing me back to the v*ltron days where they're was a suspiciously high amount of klance omegaverse and mpreg fics and art created and it physically hurts because Steve and Keith's voice actor is the same person meaning this is especially cursed to me since I was unfortunately in the v*ltron fandom and remember all of that

But like on another note, how old are these characters again??? I haven't checked any wikis because of spoilers but is Steve an adult??? I know aja might be technically a lot older than 18 because alien but is whatever age she is equivalent to an adult as far as emotionally and physically in Akaridion development??? IS THIS A TEEN (M)PREGNANCY IN A KIDS SHOW????

Like bruh I saw a singular post on here before going into the movie that was like "rott spoilers without context" and there was a pregnant belly but I was absolutely not expecting the actual context of it. I'll find the post after I finish and edit this post to tag the creator right here: @makoden

This entire post is just gonna be me ranting about mpreg huh

Anyway I love the whole roundtable allusion to the legends of king arthur (not the toa version but the one he's based off)

THERE'S 3 TO 5 BABIES????? I need to take a break bruh this is just too much

Alright I've taken a 30 minute break got some food and did some things i love (decompressed by tactile stimming with some owl plushies and watched some videos on my favorite owl, Garu. He lives in Japan with his owner and is a domesticated eagle owl who basically just acts like a sky cat. If anyone else needs some eye bleach, here is their YouTube channel)

Blinky and ARRRGHHH!!! saying their "if one of us doesn't make it" talk my god one of them is going to die I can see it and I will be utterly crushed. Jim can't lose another father figure and Toby can't lose his wingman again I will riot if this happens

On a similar but unrelated to the movie note, can we just talk about how toa started with Jim having 0 dads and (if strickler and blinky live to the end) will end with 2 dads? Like I just really feel happy for him that he has two dads who actually figured out how to put the past behind them to not have any infighting between them so that both of them are healthy father figures. Jim has already been through literal hell and back losing his actual humanity in the process so if he loses one of them, I'm going to be really pissed because at this point, this is just Jim torture porn. Y'all know how as SpongeBob SquarePants went on, the show just became Squidward torture porn? It's starting to feel that way for toa and I really hope they cut the shit by the ending

Jlaire is such a good ship but like I feel like it's too perfect they never disagree with each other

YESSSSSSS Someone finally doesn't treat toby like a fat waste of space who messes stuff up!!! I think out of all the characters that would have been most deserving of a rewrite, it's Toby. Sometimes I just feel he's only comic relief and any heartfelt moments he's had in the series was also born of stupidity (ie his flour baby project being unharmed was seen by him as divine intervention from his parents but was actually just Eli and Steve behind the scenes).

Ohhhhh yesssssss Archie's father!!! I was hoping I'd see him again because we got so little of him last

Ooooooooooh Asian trollmarket!!!!!

Oh never mind slavery trollmarket

Bruh titanic camelot

I feel like we're not seeing enough of the villains because I completely forgot about the power ranger zord things

NAMORA NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MY LAST CRUSHHHH

STRICKLER NO NOT YOU TOO PLEASE

WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE ONLY TWO CHARACTERS I SIMP FOR ON THIS SHOW DIED WITHIN FIVE MINUTES OF EACH OTHER

THAT WHOLE ASS RANT I WROTE IS COMING TRUE FUCK THIS MOVIE THIS SERIES IS JUST JIM TORTURE PORN

WAIT JIM'S SPERM DONOR INFO?

Oh thank God I don't want to know anything about that person

For the record, I call that man Jim's sperm donor because he has no business being called a father to him. All he did was donate some swimmers to the creation of him and give him abandonment issues

Oh another blind troll elder???? This fucker is just if vendel was a bad guy

Bruh I was grieving

PACIFIC RIM WITH GUN ROBOT VEX AND THE BELROCZORD? I've never seen that movie but I know the reference

Bruh Blinky doesn't read horoscopes? Does he realize conspiracy theories are just the manly version of horoscopes?

NO DON'T KILL VEX STOP KO-ING FOUND FAMILY MEMBERS

Oh thank God he's okay

NO NOT ARCHIE AND CHARLEMAGNE OH MY GOD

oh never mind they're just gonna coup de tat I believe in them :))

But I want to see him again

But I'm glad to see vex

Yay they're in arcadia!

But yeah I wondered why the trolls and Merlin didn't keep the whole "daylight doesn't hurt trolls" feature from the eternal night but now Guillermo del Toro I see you were playing the long con in that just to kill my girl Namora :(((

Oooooh I love the animation of the Narizord over Chihuahua!! It looks very good and realistic (if only they could have put some of that into those huskies from before smh)

Bruh the character designs of the arcane order are so good I want to be them

Nari making sure the Skraelzord doesn't crush the bus

DAMN DOUBLE HOMICIDE

Bruh I'm just glad we finally have an answer on why arcadia had everything going on as opposed to literally anywhere else!! I always found that as a weird coincidence for plot convince.

BRUH WERE BACK TO THE MPREG IM SO JEALOUS I FORGOT ABOUT THAT EVEN THOUGH IT WAS BECAUSE I WAS GRIEVING THE LOSS OF MY LOVELIES.

Oh that's real convenient that the ninth configuration meant all of them. Way to not decide which character gets more attention. Though it probably was a smart way to not have any infighting in the fandom between each character's stan group.

Bruh I just realized where is Barbera did they just ditch her on the Camelot ship???

And where are the other trolls that migrated at the end of trollhunters s3? They said something about new jersey but obviously Jim and the other main characters got on Camelot instead.... This feels like a plot hole

And we never learned the process of how changelings are made and bonded to humans and stuff. We just know it's super painful but I'm curious ffs!!!!

THE DONT THINK BECOME HERO SPEECH ALL SAID TOGETHER!!!

BRUH THEY REALLY HAD TO SHOW HIM GIVING BIRTH??????? WAS THAT AN ABSOLUTE MUST??????

Plus the main audience for this series is little children (the rating for the movie is literally TV-Y7) so even though my adult ass is not in the target audience, I STILL DONT UNDERSTAND WHY WOULD MPREG AND ANAL BIRTH WOULD BE AN IMPORTANT THING TO 7 YEAR OLDS???? THIS IS A LITERAL FETISH HIDDEN IN KIDS CONTENT ITS ELSAGATE ALL OVER AGAIN Y'ALL 😭😭😭😭😭

Though it's probably hypocritical of me to think fetishes don't belong in kids tv when I've openly admitted to thirsting for strickler and namora

HUZZAH

NEW AMULET WAZ GOOD????

STAB THAT BITCH JIM

WAIT NO I SAID STAB NOT GET STABBED

Alright good job just missed the directions at first but you fixed it

SEVEN KIDS?????????

T O B Y ????????????

W A I T NO

N O

IS HE ACTUALLY

OH MY GOD THERE'S HOPE

NO THERE ISN'T

F U C K THIS SHIT THEY REALLY JUST HAD HIM TO BE BULLIED THEN KILLED

Y'ALL IM ACTUALLY CRYING THIS NEVER HAPPENS

I NEVER ACTUALLY GET SO EMOTIONAL OVER MEDIA THAT I CRY IT ONLY HAPPENED ONCE AT THE END OF VOLTRON BUT AHHHHHHHH

W A I T

HE'S GONNA BE BROUGHT BACK?????

HOLD UP THEY'RE JUST GONNA BRING ALL THOSE DEAD PEOPLE BACK??????

WAIT IS HE

BLINKY CALLED HIM A SON

HOLD ON IS THIS GOING TO BE A CLIFFHANGER???????????

BRUH THEY REALLY JUST CAN'T END THE SERIES WITHOUT CLIFFHANGERS like there's always an open ending

TROLLHUNTER TOBY????? You know what forget the whole rants I had on how toby was written they just redeemed it all

And that's all! I'd rate it a 6.5/10 because it's definitely the weakest of all the sequels but still had amazing animation and some good plot points. It's just really hard to look over the bad stuff enough to rate it any higher.

[nny11writes]

Ive been playing Star Wars: Racer. Yeah, the n64 game. It has a switch port. Pretty fun. The main loop in the tournament mode is upgrading and repairing your vehicle so you can perform in the more high end races.

Anyway: Street racer Shera au. Catra races to prove she's the best, she tries to repair her own car. Scorpia records *every* race and has a flag saying "best driving cat xoxo :)" on it with a picture of Catra as a cat. Catra hates it.

One day Glimmer shows up with a porsche and beats Catra after a neck and neck race, Catra is so mad she recruits the help of her very off-the-books engineer friend Entrapta who she has never let touch her precious Subaru before. Entrapta says Catra's repeated patchwork jobs have fucked up the car, which hurts Catra's pride, but within three days the thing is repaired and modded with lighter wheels, removed furniture, and an ungodly turbo boost, also she puts refined kerosine in a secondary tank, don't ask.

Anyway Catra and Glimmer, who has also begged her boyfriend to design cute little decal faces for her car, pull up ready to start their rematch, when suddenly an enormous pink limo comes out and blocks the racing path. Out of the car steps Angella, who had weaselled the truth out of Bow, who stands next to her ashamed.

Everyone watches in bewilderment as this tense race gets interrupted by a teenager and her mother yelling at each other about how this ALWAYS happens and she is SO grounded and she only has a learner's insurance for the car anyway so why is she driving alone in the first place.

Okay, so first of all you just unlocked several childhood memories lol. When TPM came out I got super into it and had this awful dorky padawan obi-wan costume from like target that I wore the apprentice braid from until it fell to pieces and played TPM tie in computer game non-stop. So my parents were like, “Huh, neat.” And got us Star Wars: Racer but for the PC (Episode I: Racer? It had a different name I think but that cover art instantly took me back). Anyhow me and my sister took turns playing it and when she convinced me to prank call someone for the first time ever (something she’d also never done) we dialed a random number and just held the phone to the speakers while the game was playing.

The lady called back and left a stern voicemail about prank calls that shamed us so much we actually stopped playing the game afterwards 😂

ANYHOW

I actually like the idea that Catra does basic work on the car decently, but she can probably install mods with some issues and run ins. I wouldn’t trust a street racer who can’t do some work on their own car! (I say having known a small handful of them actually lol, my hometown is notorious for street racing and even my brother in law used to get in on the act) That said, I can see her being one of those people who mis-installs a fancier system of some kind. Like, the new fly wheel works great but Catra fucked up the new muffler system and didn’t realize it because it happened because of something else in the system, ya know? Entrapta would still 100% tell her she fucked up her car because Entrapta is sensitive to the feelings of the vehicles. Catra does not understand what the fuck that means but she’s not gonna ask when Entrapta somehow supercharged her turbo and put in experimental wheels and axels that are light but strong. Catra was excited when she replaced the hood and trunk with carbon because the car was so much lighter and better afterwards. This is that times twelve! Catra swears off self repairs because she literally can’t make heads of tails of it anymore, and also Entrapta wants to.

Glimmer absolutely bought her way into the sport, but it’s her hard work that got her to be a street racer. She used to go to the track and at first just did straight shot races, mostly against herself. She took Bow in it once, and his face was frozen between pure joy and pure terror under the helmet he was forced to wear and borrow by the racetrack. Angella didn’t like her daughter’s hobby, but at least it wasn’t a motorcycle or heaven forbid that dangerous street racing. Glimmer would eventually move up to track racing and then decided to take her skills to the roads and see. Bow is not thrilled by this, but he is an overly supportive boyfriend and will support her hobby gosh darn it!!! He demands that she wear a safety suit and helmet which she does making her look extra dorky compared to the rest but she races well!

When her and Catra face off for the first time it is neck and neck because Catra has more practical knowledge than Glimmer. Both of her car and the streets, but Glimmer’s build up with her car means she has more practiced skills that are too dangerous for drivers to learn on the streets on the fly. Mostly though Glimmer keeps up because of her ability to have thrown money at her fancy car. By the time Catra and Glimmer are ready for their re-match, Catra’s car is now on par with Glimmer’s money machine but Glimmer has been able to spend the time on the roads learning the routes more and becoming more familiar with the feel of street racing.

Mostly thanks to impromptu races, don’t tell her mom.

Except whoopsies! Bow totally crumbled like a house of cards. Glimmer and Catra are old enough, have their full licenses, and really have done nothing wrong as the street races they went against one another in were both sanctioned. Sure, they both do illegal races too but legal ones for big multi-car groups. So when Angella rolls up in her limo and gets in a full out fight with Glimmer there isn’t much that can be done about it. They go head to head again (ignoring everyone else there) and this time Catra beats Glimmer.

Now they have a back and forth going on where they keep facing off under various situations, and eventually end up in a long sanctioned race where you need a copiolt to actually tell you were to go and help out. Bow gets freaked out right before it starts and Angella offers to go in his place.

Look, Glimmer got her love of fast cars from someone.

Catra takes Entrapta as she’s quick, clever, and also knows what to do if the refined kerosine goes sideways.

Over the radio the whole time both teams just bicker with one another and each other, they both end up off the track somehow and are now racing illegally just against one another. The finish is a photo finish, and also filled with cops. Angella pays for everyone’s bail and they go for either a drink or ice cream. They may or may not race one another on the way there too. Bow and Scorpia meet them because “Wow! But also, don’t do that to me again please!”

[aquarianlights]

I am in a serious financial bind. 😥 If anyone is in a position to listen & help or signal boost, pls keep reading...

This is from my apartment complex. I am in low-income housing. I called them & sent them proof I could pay on the 23rd. I told them I could (just barely) put 100 down now & they said that was too little.

They said they would file for eviction on the 16th, which adds $150 to my rent. They will cancel the court date and eviction on the 23rd when I pay.

But that doesn't cancel the $150 filing fee.

Idk where that $150 would come from. Idky they think it's fair that someone who cannot pay should be forced to pay even more??? That makes no sense. I can only just barely afford my rent every month as is.

These are from my energy company. I apparently owe them over $600. I genuinely do not know how this happened. We were on the phone for a very long time trying to figure it out & I was in tears for the latter portion of it because I swear I paid.

I usually keep record of my payments via taking a picture of my receipt since they are electronic, but my dog chewed up my phone (which I have pics of if need be for evidence) and broke it, so I had to get a replacement phone sent to me from the insurance company & nothing transferred from the old phone, so all my pics were wiped.

I found no record in my emails, either.

The meds I am taking to try to go into remission and the autoimmune disease itself both cause brain fog and issues with time warping, so it is possible maybe I skipped a month or something, but I highly doubt I would have skipped up to 600+ dollars worth of payments.

I have tons of electronic and hard copy calendars & they are all synced and constantly updated so that I know when payments are due. I also have text and email reminders sent to me, but I could find no reminders in my email for MONTHS now until they were telling me they were going to shut my power off if I didn't pay this. Idk why I was not sent reminders for months???

In the end, I agreed to set up a payment plan. Paying, like... 50-60ish on top of whatever my electric bill is every month for 12 months. It was the lowest they could go.

I can barely afford my electric bill as it is, so idk how I will be able to do this? They did give me a list of charities in my area so I will be using what little energy I have to call around & see if any of them would be willing to help me pay this. Idk how those work (they're mostly churches???), so I'm just gonna try & see what happens. 🤔

On top of all that, I *think* this is telling me my Medicaid has been cancelled but I'm not 100% sure?????

I'm going through treatment for a very serious, disabling problem that should last ~1 year and rn Medicaid is picking up what my Medicare doesn't cover and some of my doctors/specialists and treatments are medicaid only.

If I lose this, I'm basically done.

I know they'll do backpay if I get it back, but Idk if I *will* get it back. I'll be trying to get it back, but in the meantime, I guess I'll just have to pay out of pocket, idk??? Which I do not have.

I have lost almost ALL autonomy due to this autoimmune disease, which (in a very simplified form) is basically my immune cells "eating" my muscle tissue. I can barely get out of bed. Treatment should put me in remission & give me my life back. I am seeing a rheumatologist, neurologist, dermatologist, PCP, physical therapist, psychiatrist, psychologist, and going to a holistic pain treatment center that does a different kind of physical therapy to bring down pain levels (which I was put into that program by my rheum). All of these are in relation to & necessary for my disease. I am going through TONS of testing almost weekly now & trying out treatments like IVIG and chemo where I am in the hospital hooked up to an IV for 4-6+ hrs of that day and the cost of those things without Medicaid picking up what Medicare doesn't cover is astronomical. I have to sign waivers every time I get my blood drawn (which is almost weekly now), do tests, and do treatments saying I will pay if Medicaid does not pick up the extra.

I already have crippling medical debt; I don't need more. I'm scared they won't let me do any more tests or treatments if they see I am just letting it all go to collections & am not paying.

This could mean the difference between having a life worth living (to me) where I am happy & thriving & autonomous or being bed-bound & living a life of just existing from day to day & miserable & in pain & suffering & unable to do anything for myself. This is literally life and death for me because I wouldn't be able to handle continuing to live in the latter scenario. I cannot handle living like I am now. Knowing my treatments are progressing is what keeps me going. Knowing I can go into remission is what keeps me going. Knowing my future is one completely different from now is what keeps me going. But if I cannot have that and am destined to live in this current state, it's just not worth it. I don't know a person alive who would want to live like this.

Finally, my anger noodle needs to get to the vet for MULTIPLE things. Nothing is, like... life threatening or super immediate like his cancer was last year, but they're things that need to be addressed in terms of preventative care & to make sure he isn't in pain.

He needs his trachea checked, possibly x-rays for that, maybe more...

He needs some medication updates, needs a physical, needs a full groom & nail clip under anesthesia (for those who are not familiar with Echo, he has extreme fear-based aggression & usually gets this done under anesthesia; since I worked with him so much, he had his first non-anesthesia nail clip at the beginning of quarantine, but he has gotten worse during quarantine & with my muscle eating disease, I can no longer restrain him & don't have the physical strength to run a brush through his thicker fur as his winter coat is in, so I can no longer groom certain areas of him at home, so his tummy & back legs are matted & I fear he may need to be shaved... which breaks my heart since you don't shave double coat dogs unless medically necessary.), he needs a full physical, & needs to be checked over for MCT's.

He may also need a fecal test or something else, as he has been having odd bowel movements. 😥 His tummy has been upset lately.

I have been crying myself to sleep every single night & often during the day because I cannot get him to the vet. No, it isn't urgent or life threatening. But he is reverse sneezing more than normal & I worry about tracheal collapse, which is a common small dog thing & even MORE common in pomeranians specifically. Every time he has a fit, I think "Oh god, this is it. This is the time I'm gonna have to rush him to the e-vet & get slammed with a huge bill & he is not gonna be okay..."

It breaks my heart to see his legs & belly matted. He is horrible about letting me groom him coz of his aggression so he only gets a full grooms at the vet, but I do short grooming sessions at home with him nightly. Takes about 2 hours just to do the majority of one side of him (not even all of it; just most) coz he needs breaks & lots of praise every few strokes or he will tear me to shreds & hurt himself snapping on the undercoat rake. 😥

But now that my autoimmune disease has atrophied my muscles to the point holding up my phone without something to prop it up feels like I am lifting weights & tires my arms out with a lactic acid burn & pain, I can no longer groom him with the patience he needs & can only groom in 20 minute intervals at the VERY longest. By the time I have gotten one leg done during the week, his entire other side is matted. 😞 Matting on dogs---especially double coat dogs---hurts them. It's like if someone were to wrap your hair around their fingers & then pull it taut. It's a constant pulling pressure on their skin... it's painful & irritates the epidermis. I feel miserable feeling the matting on his back legs & tummy & now feeling the mats beginning to form on the rest of him. He hates me working them out, even with the detangling spray. I know it must hurt so much...

So he may need to be shaved at this point & that will destroy me. I feel sick thinking about it. But anything to get him out of pain. Maybe it is what's best for him while I go through this year of treatment & get my muscles back. But in order to do that, I need to get him to the vet.

The stress of not being able to get him to a vet is tearing me apart & literally making me physically ill.

He is my world. My everything. My #1. My heart dog. My priority in life. My entire universe revolves around him. I would do anything for him. Not a single person, animal, thing, etc, comes before him. It is KILLING me that I cannot provide proper care for him right now. I always always always make sure to sacrifice for him if need be & his things ALWAYS come first, even if it means I'm not eating or not paying bills or whatever. As long as he is taken care of & his needs & wants are met, nothing else matters to me. And right now........ I feel he is suffering because of my finances & the fact my treatment with building my muscles up is not going fast enough.

I cannot control the latter one, but the first one is something I can at least ask for help for. So that is what I am doing.

If anyone is in a place to help, these are my venmo & cashapp codes. I also have paypal.

💙 Venmo: @kqroswell

💚 Cashapp: $kqroswell

💜 Paypal: @kqroswell or thekilliancode@yahoo.com

If there is another form of payment you're thinking of, lemme know. I also have fb pay activated if you have me on FB (Killian Q Roswell).

Thank you to everyone who read through this & anyone who can help or reblog this. 💖

Sincerely,

Your v scared, struggling transman who really wants his bills/rent paid & his dog to go to the vet,

Killian 💞

[punkscowardschampions]

Ronnie & Joe

Ronnie: [a phone number]

Ronnie: found you your own special plug

Joe: Can’t wait to get gang-raped by whoever this is

Joe: or maybe it’s a phishing scam, what route have you gone down 🤔

Ronnie: route of she can be your number 8 cos youre such a bike

Joe: it’s that kind of hook-up

Ronnie: pay for the gear if you cant get it up soft lad she looks fuck all like your ma

Ronnie: couldnt track down no more of her bastards for you soz

Joe: taking your role that seriously?

Joe: alright

Ronnie: getting out of it

Ronnie: she can babysit you

Joe: she probably lost custody of her own so

Joe: nice of you on all fronts

Ronnie: yeah

Joe: what, your dealer don’t like me or something

Ronnie: how the fuck would i know like

Ronnie: and how would he you legged it out of there soon as he showed

Joe: no shit I did

Ronnie: ordeals over now baby go cry to your new mammy about it

Joe: unlikely

Joe: but it ain’t my ordeal so

Ronnie: they ll swab & treat him he ll be sound

Joe: give a shit about him

Ronnie: if youve got something to say

Joe: I just said it

Joe: I don’t care about him

Ronnie: you dont care about me fuck off with your heroics

Joe: you didn’t want swooping up and saving, don’t mean I don’t give a fuck

Ronnie: your student loan aint gonna cover both our habits youd have me dopesick cause youre fucking jealous that means you dont

Joe: you’re jealous

Joe: and I said, didn’t stop you, didn’t say you had to

Joe: what’s fun about something oozing and itching in your pants, that’s all

Ronnie: of what

Joe: of every boring ex I have or will ever have

Ronnie: you wish

Ronnie: get em in a room together and they aint even jealous of each other

Joe: I know

Joe: x2

Ronnie: you dont know shit mckenna

Joe: so today I’m green

Joe: not the know-it-all smug college kid

Joe: nice to know how to play it

Ronnie: smug is right whenever i aint gonna suck your dick cause you can read music

Joe: that’s all that’s stopping you?

Ronnie: nah remember its the death wish attention whoring & mommy issues

Ronnie: cant both be functioning junkies youd have fuck all else to get a boner about

Joe: how long have you been doing heroin

Ronnie: youve got loads of catching up to do

Joe: yeah, so I don’t know why you’re acting like I’m being high and mighty

Joe: it’s literally been days

Ronnie: cause you are

Joe: no I’m not, just ‘cos I’d rather not suck dick when I have the funds

Joe: would you do it if you had the cash, that’s just stupid

Ronnie: youve been comparing me to any & every cunt since we met

Joe: like you don’t shit on me any and every chance you get

Joe: you were acting like them, the whole none of my shit is real because yours is SO real, that’s her whole bit

Ronnie: you cant stop fucking doing it even now fucks sake

Ronnie: i shit on you for you its not like i have any cunt to compare you to

Joe: alright, if you’re that sensitive about it

Joe: I’ll really stop

Joe: there 🤐

Ronnie: fuck you

Joe: nah, that was a dick move, alright

Joe: let me make it up to you

Ronnie: youre crying shes a patronising cunt guess what youre right there too

Joe: alright, I deserve that

Ronnie: drop dead

Ronnie: yeah its been days days of me giving you whatever the fuck you ask for

Joe: I know

Joe: so what do you want, seriously

Joe: I’ll do it, make it happen, whatever

Ronnie: like fuck can you make anything happen

Ronnie: youre like every other doss cunt i know theres your comparison

Joe: Probably am

Joe: but you’re the only person I’ve met who feels close to whatever the fuck I am

Joe: there’s the truth

Ronnie: whichever of your exes that worked on is more west than either of us

Joe: Oh I can easily be that dickhead and tell you how crazy they all were

Ronnie: go ed

Joe: the second to last one was the worst

Joe: full-on stalked and harassed the last one like, for no reason

Joe: she also messed with all my shit in a way she thought would send me into an OCD spiral because she didn’t get it

Joe: and when she started hooking up with some other kid she’d send me pics like I’d be 💔

Joe: that’s just after, that was all kind of amusing in a boring way, she was less amusing to be with but more mental

Ronnie: shouldve had some tips off her for the stalking bullshit its probably not too late to send her a dm

Ronnie: ones ive got from this is i dont have to bother learning the alphabet cos id be better off fucking with your record collection by smashing it up & child porn does fuck all for you

Joe: that is my thing, turning up uninvited to fuck everything up

Joe: she might go for it

Joe: exactly, both good to know, yeah 😏

Joe: all pretty basic and vanilla but still, annoying as shit

Ronnie: unless you can get me to do it for you yeah

Ronnie: dinners at what like 7

Joe: you’re gonna ruin my happy uni home?

Joe: oh no

Joe: be there be 7, eating at 8, apparently

Joe: time to ‘mingle’ as she put it which sounds suspicious af

Ronnie: fucking hell

Ronnie: thank christ i already hate you

Joe: saves times, energy less so

Joe: your mate is up for it, unless he’s a convincing liar, which I could see

Ronnie: what energy do you want name it theres gear thatll give us it

Ronnie: he is but i cant see the con shes got fuck all any cunt wants other than pasta shapes & mariahs likely on a diet

Joe: 🤤 and not over her appetizers, like

Joe: there’ll only be the 6 of us so we’ll need entertainment

Ronnie: lad flatmates bringing a bitch

Ronnie: shes gonna need something to get her through it or something she can use to end it

Joe: yeah he has a missus

Joe: even though him and Sophie belong together as the most average whitebread couple ever

Ronnie: make it happen then

Joe: where’s my bow and arrow

Joe: their 💘 ain’t my problem

Ronnie: you said you could do whatever and we needed entertainment

Ronnie: put all that money where your mouth is

Joe: you’re well sweet

Joe: you want her to be living her best life

Joe: dunno if I can hack being his shoulder to cry on in the interim

Ronnie: your teeth wont have time to rot before you choke on em talking to me like that

Joe: go on then

Ronnie: you owe me i dont owe you

Joe: I thought you’d ask for something better

Joe: but your loss

Ronnie: yours youre thinking about it

Joe: I get it, you want it to be hell living here

Ronnie: i dont wanna have to ask

Joe: for what

Ronnie: anything

Joe: why not

Ronnie: you think you can read my mind or some shit

Joe: I’d like to

Joe: and I think you get me, and yeah, I think I get you more than the bullshit mommy issues attention whore comment that was to get a reaction

Joe: I don’t think we’re twin flames just because we share some DNA, I’m not that kind of delusional, believe it or not

Ronnie: cause weve shared a needle though yeah

Joe: I get it, another kid with a habit, you’ve met hundreds

Joe: it is different though

Joe: tell me it isn’t

Ronnie: different cos its a habit you didnt have days ago

Joe: it’s not your fault

Joe: for good or bad

Joe: you didn’t spike me without asking

Ronnie: i didnt say that

Ronnie: i said thats why its different

Joe: yeah

Ronnie: nobody did any of this shit for me i dont know why im doing it for you

Joe: do you want to, or do you think you need to

Ronnie: what the fuck does it matter

Joe: you either fuck with me, you like fucking with me or you think you’ve got to protect me or some bollocks

Ronnie: protect you from the needle i stuck in your arm yeah that makes loads of sense

Joe: from getting a bad dose, being beat up by one of your dealers

Ronnie: i just wanted a front row seat

Ronnie: im not gonna get one when your family finds out

Joe: that’s fine by me

Joe: you reckon they’ll fly me home for an intervention then?

Joe: shouldn’t be surprising how oblivious they are

Ronnie: i dont care what they do to try & fix it youll be at rock bottom by then

Joe: they won’t try, they don’t

Joe: just because I weren’t shooting up doesn’t mean I haven’t been doing plenty other fucked shit for ages without it ever being a conversation

Joe: one of the kids that they took in, is a walking skeleton

Joe: can’t get her to eat, some reason don’t do anything but try to reason with her like she’s reasonable, never mind the rest

Ronnie: no shit they dont i was proof of it before you or her

Ronnie: in the same town with the same name she fucking gave me and still out of sight out of mind

Joe: precisely

Joe: so if you’re hoping fucking me up will get her to come about then you shouldn’t bother, honestly

Joe: save yourself that disappointment

Ronnie: it aint about her paying attention

Joe: good

Ronnie: you wanna know me i only want you to know what it feels like

Joe: then let’s do it

Ronnie: nah i was rem to reckon it was worth shit

Ronnie: it aint

Ronnie: you aint

Ronnie: youre never gonna have your head wrecked how mine is and i cant be arsed to put the time in fucking you up in the selfish special way i need when you keep pure loving it like

Joe: is that not indicative of how I’m already quite fucked enough

Joe: just because it’s not abandonment based

Joe: what normal cunt would love any of this, even contact you again after the first

Ronnie: fuck no

Ronnie: youre living your best life and it makes me wanna hang myself

Joe: Christ, you’re up yourself, aren’t you

Ronnie: &

Joe: you want me to roll my sleeves up again and show you the recent damage?

Ronnie: yeah

Joe: [pics]

Ronnie: [obvs gotta send him some back]

Joe: [a straight up new one like just did it]

Ronnie: [ofc she has to also like this is a competition]

Joe: [hope you started small so you have somewhere to go ‘cos the vibe]

Ronnie: [knowing y’all you didn’t but it won’t stop you and I will be forever on edge]

Joe: [so grim, don’t pass out]

Ronnie: [or end up needing stitches]

Joe: [probably do them yourselves, ick]

Joe: do you fucking get it yet

Ronnie: why do you care

Joe: why do you think

Ronnie: i keep telling you i dont

Joe: braindead sounds ideal

Ronnie: horse girl not about to suffocate you

Joe: she would if I let her, like

Joe: 🍈🍈

Ronnie: wait til theres a chance ill choke on my vomit next time christ

Joe: so lay back and I’ll tell you some more

Ronnie: ok go

Joe: [go on about Sophie in a way I shall not even bother but let us assume it is crude and rude af]

Ronnie: [we’re not into poor Soph but they clearly are]

Joe: [just fuck and get it out the way lads, so rude to everyone else rn]

Ronnie: [honestly, but hopefully at this dinner party because Jamie jealousy will be off the charts]

Joe: [Charlie gon have to keep quiet ‘til you home lmao]

Joe: Any luck?

Ronnie: got no pasta shapes in my system have i

Ronnie: but why the fuck are you not lurking to save me

Joe: you want me to swallow the bile for you then, okay

Joe: the last one looked deep

Ronnie: deep enough if you wanna pussy out and spit instead

Joe: I don’t

Joe: where are you

Ronnie: dorothys

Joe: he in?

Joe: if I have to show him it’s brotherly concern you’ll only die quicker

Ronnie: nosey cunt wouldve stopped me

Joe: Yeah

Joe: I can say sorry if you want or I can just come patch you up and not lie first

Ronnie: i dont need your help

Joe: I know

Joe: purely wanna save you for my own complex and to be loving life even harder

Ronnie: wank off about the sos from the other day thats it i cant top you carrying me out til the bleeding stops

Joe: I’m coming over

Joe: you’ve got time to lock the door if you really don’t want me to come in

Joe: can get my own shattered glass without breaking his windows

Ronnie: he must like you to have given you his address

Ronnie: but not enough to overshare the door dont lock cos i broke it 💔

Joe: or am I better stalker than you give credit

Joe: thanks for the tip, baby

Ronnie: youd have been waiting for me to get here not the other way round

Joe: You do want me to read your mind

Joe: maybe a lobotomy will help

Ronnie: hot

Ronnie: reading your mind you want me to pass out before you fuck me but its not that deep

Joe: the wound or the vIbEzzZ

Ronnie: this your coming out cos you sound like charlie

Joe: just trying to turn you off, don’t want blood to gush out

Ronnie: liar youd be made up to see that

Joe: not hiding in the bushes yet

Joe: slow down

Ronnie: youre used to being the big brother i get it

Joe: Something like that

Ronnie: i know how to ride a bike without stabilisers or whatever the fuck

Joe: and tie your shoes

Joe: it’s alright, we’ve established I’m not a paedo

Joe: what can’t you do then

Ronnie: err what a nonce would say

Ronnie: read music we also fucking established

Joe: you teach me how to shoot myself up, I’ll teach you how to

Ronnie: not a fair swap i dont need to learn how

Joe: You don’t wanna be a babysitter either, so you’ve said

Ronnie: you dont like me any more or what

Joe: Of course I do

Joe: You got me my own dealer first

Ronnie: you asked me to 1st

Joe: How did I?

Ronnie: what else is ? for a plug without giving a fuck if ive rattled myself into a ditch

Joe: If I talked to you as much as I felt like

Joe: You’d tell me to fuck off more than you already do

Joe: I’ve got no clue where the line is, how much you want me to care

Ronnie: what line

Ronnie: i dont want you to care

Joe: Tough shit

Joe: I didn’t ask you to get me a dealer

Ronnie: you fucking did

Joe: I just didn’t wanna see you suck dick on my behalf, alright, that’s all

Joe: what you do for yourself is your business

Ronnie: calm down nothing i do is for you

Joe: 👌

Ronnie: dont call her then

Joe: you on commission?

Ronnie: 🖕

Joe: If I do, you’ll still have to see me

Ronnie: youll see me bleed out on the kitchen floor 1st

Joe: You’re a pro, I know you’re being overly-dramatic

Ronnie: at opening as many veins as itll take to not have to see you again yeah

Joe: to make me hurry*

Joe: I’m on the tube

Joe: you have to live in the middle of nowhere

Ronnie: no fixed address i told you

Joe: ❗️

Joe: if there’s a break-up or a thruple, you can have the extra room

Joe: makes sense now

Ronnie: it dont make sense you reckon we can afford any extras however far out

Joe: like you said, she’ll get homesick and chuck it in even if Marc won’t dump his girlfriend

Ronnie: if she does youll be homeless too like unless his missus is gonna cover the costs of the en suite for you

Joe: you can have my room, it’s the smallest

Joe: they can have the en-suite palace and I’ll take theirs, which is not next to the others 👌

Ronnie: not that youve thought loads about it

Joe: if you heard her disney playlist everyday, you’d think about it as well

Ronnie: id think about killing her or myself not a cosy little bed swap

Ronnie: shed never hack living with me nor would you

Joe: well that thought is never far from the front of my mind

Joe: if you need the bed, you know it’s yours

Ronnie: get it through your head i need fuck all from you

Joe: yeah, yeah

Ronnie: theres this way of living when youre not inside your ma in every possible sense course you aint heard about it

Joe: you need to prove you’re self-sufficient ‘cos no one’s ever given a shit about you but Charlie and the other one

Joe: I’m aware you’ve made it to your old age without me, you’re alright

Ronnie: i need to be it the only proofs im not dead yet baby

Ronnie: you need me to be old cos im not in a fucking coma & you cant get it up else

Joe: I’d rather be in the coma myself but you can be too

Joe: not calling dibs

Ronnie: oldest gets 1st dibs

Joe: *until the youngest cries about it so much you get told to give in to shut ‘em up

Ronnie: try me

Joe: you know you can’t hack my crying

Joe: does your head in SO much

Ronnie: save it for when you need lube or horse girl is gonna be coming after you with the leftover glue so you can never fucking leave her

Joe: come at you with the needle and sew us together, babe

Joe: unlucky

Ronnie: more than unlucky if i cant bust a stitch open to be the dead girl you want

Joe: you’re the dead girl I want already come on

Ronnie: til i teach you how to 💉 yourself

Joe: nah

Ronnie: 💘

Joe: looking well deformed these days, my one

Ronnie: could cut it out know youd be made up for the matching needlework

Joe: you play mad professor I’ll play corpse

Ronnie: long as i dont have to play nice

Joe: know what you take me for, actually, but no

Joe: obviously not

Ronnie: cant take you anywhere even if i did wanna

Joe: god imagine the dent in your street cred, sis

Ronnie: if i could cry i obviously would

Joe: repression or fucked tear ducts from all the 😭 you been doing

Ronnie: what im that baby faced youre taking me for a newborn now

Joe: nah, mr i don’t fuck kids here, remember

Joe: plus kids are always calling 999 by mistake and they’d get there before me

Joe: maybe, depends how many people have stabbed other people today

Ronnie: id have got the numbers up but ive been busy like

Joe: gotta make time for you, babes

Joe: it’s called self-care

Ronnie: ask me what with

Ronnie: shittest stalker ever you are

Joe: go on

Joe: school us

Ronnie: cant cry cos when i was linking you with a plug you dont want i was getting myself linked with your meds

Ronnie: best guess as a better stalker than you & less basic white girl than your crazy ex

Joe: 💡 fairplay

Joe: won’t tell you any other side-affects, see if you can guess ‘em right

Ronnie: i wasnt gonna take em but you want me to get you so bad

Joe: yeah misunderstood white boy is selling less these days

Joe: help a brother out

Ronnie: fuck all has happened so i probably cant

Joe: 💔 oh well

Joe: they’re nothing exciting, even though I managed to get the highest dosage they’ll do

Ronnie: maybe mines off for not giving you the benefit of the doubt when i could continue reckoning youre such a pussy

Joe: you’ll forget by tomorrow, no problem

Ronnie: neither brother is gonna let me if they walk in on me microdosing theyll reckon its a getting well party and get the deccies out

Joe: only so many times you can just kidding that ‘fore it gets old

Joe: we’ll go out, when I get there

Ronnie: where you kidnapping me to baby

Joe: I know enough to know it’s all wrong turns and blindfolds, not giving you a map

Ronnie: if its a&e no cunts finding your body even with a map

Joe: piss off

Ronnie: give us a clue

Joe: I’ll mark it with an X if you do me

Ronnie: if you ever fucking get here

Joe: if we were sewn together this wouldn’t be a problem

Ronnie: wanting to look like twins so nobodyll give a shit that you wanna fuck me would be something youd think about on the tube mckenna

Joe: they run in my old man’s DNA so have to look for those bastards instead

Joe: all I know about hers is addiction

Ronnie: course he does fuck alls your own idea

Ronnie: if hes got a sister even a meff nancy drew like youll be able to find bastards they had together

Joe: loads, Catholic, remember

Joe: twins kid is black though so process of elimination

Ronnie: cute how that runs in your family too like

Joe: guess so

Joe: not like it’s that crazy a concept

Ronnie: not like youve ever met an irish catholic who werent a saint yeah

Joe: it’s a fucked place to live

Joe: really third world in that respect

Ronnie: your real da is who you wanna look for if hes got no bastards going about its cos he cant knock anyone up

Joe: that your all men are pigs stance

Joe: alright courtney calm down

Joe: I’m out now anyway, don’t need a real mum or dad to come rescue us from the priests and that

Ronnie: nah its a fact unless his twin kept going up the backstreet or he was only sticking it in her other 2 holes

Joe: they didn’t really grow up together

Joe: he left when he was 15

Joe: maybe she was a late bloomer, happy days

Ronnie: 💔 your ma wasn’t then i wouldnt be here

Joe: no dig about how you’re dying now anyway ‘cos I’m taking so long?

Joe: you must be fading fast and not just being a dramatic bitch

Joe: good thing I’m in [wherever we ended up locating y’all] now

Ronnie: shut up i said its not that deep

Ronnie: youre the dramatic bitch legging it here for a fucking scratch

Joe: you wanted me to

Ronnie: you want to i dont give a shit

Joe: right, that’s what I meant

Ronnie: you can stop with the gay shit i told you hes not here

Joe: gays don’t own sarcasm

Ronnie: they own getting attached to cunts fast who dont care

Joe: awh, you being replaced rn?

Ronnie: horse girl wishes

Joe: Can’t catch a break or a man that one

Ronnie: after a pity fuck with you who knows what shed catch

Joe: you wanna infect her by-proxy, you’re so blatant

Ronnie: i shouldve got you to bring her my bloods everywhere

Joe: adding her puke to the mix would make it interesting, sure

Joe: bet she knows first aid

Ronnie: if youre too pussy to break my ribs yourself get back on the tube

Joe: threaten me with a good time

Ronnie: i just did

Joe: without meaning it, yeah

Ronnie: try and hurt me i mean it

Joe: [why do y’all always set the tension so high lads lmao, we know but]

Ronnie: [me and my boo here like calm down you can’t hook up yet but they are both like !!!!]

Joe: [shouldn’t have let you get on that train sir but you would so]

Ronnie: [I shouldn’t let her open her mouth ever but here we are]

Joe: [forreal lmao]

Ronnie: [gotta draw an x on him in her blood when he shows up before we can do a more permanent one however we are either as a scar or tattoo so soz for increasing the tension even more lol]

Joe: [just got to stare at her for ages and then shove her away very dramatically ‘cos you can’t, head through to whichever room she was bleeding in to assess/gawp at]

Ronnie: [she’s gotta lol like well if that’s the best you can do at trying to hurt me I’m not worried]

Joe: [‘whaddya use?’ and just going through this flat as if you’ve been here before/were invited by anyone but Ronnie vaguely because manners can’t matter when we’ve gone this far already]

Ronnie: ['what, you didn't

touch yourself enough on the tube?' but we are obvs showing him whatever we did use because it's just another way to flirt and we can use it to make that x happen so]

Joe: [shakes head ‘spill too much and they emergency stop’ and a look like do I look like I wanna be on a psychward but in a 😏 don’t answer that way, doing our own tallies with it, of course]

Ronnie: ['we're walking then' like where are you taking me don't get comfy bitch]

Joe: [little disbelieving lol like excuse me princess ‘your carriage was unavailable’

Ronnie: ['no shit the horse is dead busy']

Joe: [‘I ain’t taking you to a stable’]

Ronnie: ['that's where we ain't going, now tell me where the fuck we are' because we're like an excited kid about this]

Joe: [it’s cute and we clearly think so even if we’re distracting ourselves with this self-harm so we don’t go too far, unrelated but I haven’t thought where yous are going lmao but I’m vibing something London but something she wouldn’t have done, something music related, also if it has like, kid vibes, bonus, I’ll have to look so just keeping tight-lipped to be annoying and surveying the bloody carnage he’s now added to ‘you want to clean up?’]

Ronnie: [it'd be cute if there was something like thinktank but for music instead of science but idk if that exists anyways in answer to that question she's just gonna remove her top or whatever like yeah it do have blood on even though we know that's not what he means because we're still in a flirty mood despite how annoying his non reply is]

Joe: [that’s what I’m vibing but likewise have no idea, I’m sure there is shit though and you could find it Joseph, anyway, truly the this is fine meme about that ‘cos you can’t turn away 😳 but also boy don’t, moving like you’re gonna come close to her though]

Ronnie: [soz Charlie cos she shamelessly threw her top on the floor and isn't gonna clean up any of this blood even on herself like I literally should say she goes to the sink and then to get clean clothes but instead we all know she's just gonna take Joe's jacket or whatever and put that on, thank god he's all about the layers]

Joe: [god bless the grunge

aesthetic, ‘do you do it in front of him?’ and touching the cuts that are still showing ‘cos you know there’s some still, and it is like when and where do you do this when you do not have a room lmao]

Ronnie: ['yeah' leaving it up to him whether he wants to think it's in an attention whore way cos we're still annoyed at that call out lol but realistically it's just because of how long they've known each other and how they be living, she's not actively trying to upset Charlie that much most of the time]

Joe: [‘does he do it?’ ‘cos we can’t imagine it from the little we know but also can’t imagine him just chilling if he isn’t as fucked as them]

Ronnie: [the facial expression equivalent of his amused lol earlier because no]

Joe: [dropping it even though you find this odd like don’t worry boy, the tea is he is getting over it and wanting her to stop, pulling the jacket sleeve to take her out the door like come on]

Ronnie: ['he knows what'll happen if he tries to stop me' cos you can't tell me that when they were younger he didn't do exactly that and she went ballistic but more importantly HOW DARE YOU BOO because that is 1000% a Fraze move and I'm dead]

Joe: [yes I thought it was legit for a parallel, enjoy the long trip back to central guys]

Ronnie: [idk how we are gonna stop you hooking up to fill the time other than the other people in close proximity lol]

Joe: [maybe a uni/work obligation can come in and he has to go like legit ‘cos that’d kill this off]

Ronnie: [personally devastated that means an iou for this cute date but I love how fuming she would be at never finding out where they were going]

Ronnie: [not to mention the not at all casual and public domestic they’d have would be such a fat mood and show she cares when she’s literally like umm what the fuck do you mean you’re leaving]

Joe: [love how blatant we both are individually]

Ronnie: [hard same]

Joe: They sprung that rehearsal on us last minute

Joe: I already said, I’d give you the funds and you could go do whatever

Ronnie: and i told you to go fuck yourself

Ronnie: or your cello

Joe: I wouldn’t have wasted my time let alone yours if I knew that was gonna happen

Joe: how would you go about fucking a cello, exactly

Ronnie: waste more of your own time figuring it out its your raging hard on for it

Joe: I can’t not go

Joe: they make you sign a bloodoath when you get in basically

Joe: no excuses

Ronnie: youd have found an excuse fast enough if id stuck a needle in your arm

Joe: no, I wouldn’t, ‘cos it wasn’t an option

Joe: there was already enough damage to hide

Ronnie: i dont give a shit what options youve got

Joe: right, tell it to the crowd that amassed, they might believe you a tiny bit more than I do

Joe: I’ll make it up to you, okay

Ronnie: thats what soft cunts wanna hear when you cant hide no more & since you reckon you wont be getting forced into treatment you get to keep your gob shut for all that being sorry bullshit

Joe: make it into something it ain’t ‘cos you can’t hack hearing it

Ronnie: i dont wanna hear from you end of

Joe: alright

Joe: see you around then

Ronnie: 🖕

[chickensarentcheap]

Best Part of Me -Chapter 91

Warnings: mentions of depression, anxiety, PTSD,  past suicide attempt (very brief mention)

Tagging: @c-a-v-a-l-r-y, @innerpaperexpertcloud, @alievans007, @tragiclyhip

Tyler drifts off with Addie on his chest. Lulled to sleep by the feathery weight of her tiny body;  the warmth that radiates from it and how it slowly and rhythmically rises and falls against him. Relaxed by the sound of each soft breath and the occasional murmur and sigh, the way those impossibly small hands tightly fist the fabric of his hospital gown and the familiar scent that clings to her clothes. It had felt good to inject some sense of normalcy into the uncertainty of his current situation. Able to cuddle her and shower her with kisses and run his fingers through her hair; marvelling at how fast it’s growing and how thick  and even darker it’s becoming. The withdrawal induced trembling in his hands has begun to dissipate, giving him the opportunity to feed her a bottle and even master changing her diaper while  lying on one thigh and using only his left hand. And her mere presence has lessened the profound homesickness and how desperately he misses his other children; being able to see her smile and hear her babbling and having all those tiny fingers curl around one of his. It had lifted his spirits and ease some of fears and worries surrounding the safety and security of his family;  knowing and seeing with his two eyes that she’s alive and thriving  despite all of the threats and the close call in Anil’s house.  Every second spent with her only  fuelling his desire to get home; feeding that determination to get his feet back under him, figuratively AND literally.  

He hates the feeling of helplessness; being dependent on others and constantly worrying that he’s a burden.  Being stripped of the ability to even do the simplest of things for yourself is a blow to the ego; mundane tasks like feeding yourself and brushing your teeth and being able to get to the bathroom on your own.  Things that people often overlook and take for granted; washing your own hair and holding a knife and fork and being able to actually get out of bed and not be relegated to staring at the same four walls for hours on end. He can’t watch tv; even the simplest and stupidest of story lines too difficult for his brain to comprehend. Reading a book is out of the question when you can’t remember what happened only a page ago. Even conversations are difficult to maintain and follow; forgetting things easily, asking the same questions over and over again, then becoming frustrated and lashing out when he can’t retain the information.  He often feels as if he’s a prisoner in his own body; trapped in bed in the same damn position, unable to move because of an IV and med line inserted into his chest and his right leg held captive by a metal ‘cage’.  

Nothing is worse than not being able to feel your legs; rendered immobile  and harboring the fear that a temporary issue will turn out to be a permanent one.   The panic sets in every time he wakes up and CAN’T feel anything from the waist down; moments before the disorientation and confusion lift and he can’t recall where he is, how he got there, or the dozens of times he’s been told about his injuries.  It is near crippling; that terror before full comprehension when he realizes he can’t feel his legs; not even the smallest of movements even though his brain is screaming at them to budge. And it’s frustrating; not being in full control of even the simplest of things; when and how long he sleeps, what he can eat, how much meds are being pumped into his system. He’s used to being a man of action; unable to sit still for more a few minutes at a time.

The thought of no longer being  ‘that guy’ haunts him; that fear and worry -that he won’t be able to return to the life he remembered and enjoy it to the fullest- making him feel physically ill.  Not the job side of things; he’d be more than happy to spend the rest of his time in the game running things behind the scenes and no longer getting his hands dirty. But it’s the OTHER side. The dad that is hands on and ‘stands up’.  Playing and rough housing with his kids; taking them swimming and surfing and  hiking  in the woods and on camping and fishing trips.  He wants to still be able to coach their soccer and lacrosse games and help Millie with her martial arts sparring.  And one day, far down the road, he wants to be able to walk both her and Addie down the aisle; tears in his eyes as he gives them away to their future husbands and watches them start their new lives.  It’s the scariest thing of all; not being even half the man he used to be.  He can live with the mental health issues and the chronic pain; he’s been functioning that way for years. But not being able to be an active participant in his children’s lives? It’s a heartbreaking thing to consider.

But having Addie with him has helped to squash some of that fear. At least temporarily.  Her presence serving as the motivation he needs to fight harder than he’s ever fought before. He has people relying on him. Counting on him to be both provider and protector, and he  refuses to let them down. He’s done it too many times before; made promises he never kept, said things and then done the complete opposite. This time he needs to make permanent changes; no longer improving things and keeping them that way for a couple of years and then falling back into hold habits and expecting his wife to stick around. He’s taken advantage of that more than once; her willingness to stay and work on things despite threatening to walk away.  He doesn’t want to be that guy any more; the one that takes someone’s love, trust, and faith in him  and uses it against them. He’s not proud of it; knowing exactly what her fears and worries are and then using them to get his own way.  But he’s never done it maliciously; never with the intent to control her or manipulate or hurt her.  It had been the last ditch efforts of a desperate man; afraid of losing the love of his life and having his family torn apart, yet unsure of how to exactly change and fix himself.

And then  there’s the irrational side of him; the dark and torturous part of his brain that likes to torment him.  Telling him that this will be the deal  clincher. Not his weakness for booze and prescription painkillers and his recurring slides back into dependency, but the absolute mess his body is in.  That IF he can never use his legs again and he’s reduced to being half the man he was -and she fell in love with- that she’ll leave. Not because she doesn’t love him; he doesn’t question or doubt that and never has. But it will be too much on her already overflowing plate; a woman that has to not only take care of five little ones and carry a sixth, but would have to be his caretaker as well.  He wouldn’t be able to help her out in the same way he does now; his physical challenges preventing him from being the husband and father that he was before. His mind screams at him that he’d be a burden; that one day she’d look at him and he wouldn’t see love and adoration in her eyes, but pity.  And he simply couldn’t handle that; her looking at him as if he’s completely broken and damaged.  

Since the weaning off of the sedation had begun, the dreams have returned.   Not quite nightmares, but only a few shades shy.  As his brain  becomes more lucid and the haziness and confusion start to lift, he’s left with jumbled pieces of a very vivid puzzle; sights and sound even smells from inside the storage facility.  In the initial wakeful moments, he couldn’t remember anything past taking a shot  in the back. The way the sound echoed through the locker  and the bullet slammed into him; the initial shock of his body being pitched forward and his legs collapsing under him and then hitting the floor.  Nothing after that.  No recollection of how he’d come to have a broken nose and lines of stitches over and under his right eye and a badly busted femur.  Things are clearer now; coming more into focus as the powerful meds make their way out of his system.  Little snippets of events; Nathan kneeling on his back; the feel of sharp bone being pressed into the fresh bullet wound and the brief loss of feeling in his legs.  Fingers being shoved into the hole; as deep as possible. The glint of a knife blade and that initial pinch of the tip pressed against his skin; the agony...the burning...of  it being dragged -bone deep- from under his eye to his temple.   A cell phone; recording every second of his time in that locker. Every indignity, every torturous moment.  Nathan fully intending to send Esme the footage; a little ‘entertainment’ before she met her own demise.

There isn’t much beyond that. At least not images he fully trusts. A failed escape attempt, vile and horrific threats specifically targeting his wife and daughters, a pair of dirty combat boots,  a gunshot. He isn’t sure what’s legit; if the snapshots he’s seeing are real or if they’re nothing more than events made up by a weary and troubled mind.  But he can smell it; the putrid, nauseating mixture of old sweat, urine, and feces that had clung to that dirty mattress. And the taste; the salt of his own perspiration and that metallic tinge of blood.

It’s a loud bang in the hallway that startles him awake. The usual confusion and disorientation replaced by hyper-vigilance; not fully aware of his surroundings, but assessing the presence of possible threat, and somehow knowing that he has people to protect. His hand immediately goes to his hip; reaching for a gun nestled inside its holster. Instead his fingers find nothing but cool, crisp sheets and smooth, cold metal of the ‘cage’ that encases his thigh. Anxiety begins to take hold now; not of potential danger lurking beyond the closed door but of his surroundings.  The stark white walls and the distinct smell of antiseptic and clean solution. The IV pole and patient monitor parked next to the bed; mattress impossibly firm against and below him and metal railings keeping him safely confined. The pinch and sting in the left side of his chest; discomfort from both the told holding down the tubing and the needle of the central line itself.  

A hospital.

I’m in a fucking hospital.

The realization brings both panic and terror. Both of his lungs and his throat constrict; chest tightening painfully as sweat beads across his forehead and gatherers at his temples and the nape of his neck. There’s no one to fight so his brain chooses flight; attempting to kick off the blankets in hopes of escaping. Only nothing happens; not a wriggle in his toes or a twitch in the soles of his feet or even the simple flex of a calf or thigh muscle. Legs numb and lifeless yet somehow feeling impossibly heavy at the same time. And useless. Completely fucking useless. And the nauseous and light-headedness hit; unable to remember any of the dozens of times he’d been told about his legs. He questions what’s happening. If it’s temporary or permanent.  Trying to rack his brain for some sort of explanation but finding nothing but muddled thoughts and worst fears and sheer dread.  Remembering those threats made against his family; torturous, inhumane things that would be done to them before their deaths.

Are they? Dead? Is he the only one in his entire family that managed to survive? Is someone going to come in and deliver the news? A grim faced Nik or Anil? Maybe a sorrowful Koen and a frazzled Rata? Who would get the short straw and be relegated to telling him the cold, hard truth; that everyone he loves...everyone who had loved HIM...is  gone. The tears come; bitter and hot. Loud, angry and sorrowful sobs of devastation.  The kind of grief that robs you of your sanity and rocks you to your very soul.

It’s Addie that snaps him out of  it.  Initially startled by the jolt he’d given upon waking and then further troubled by the violent trembling of his body and the severity of his sobs.  Her shrill cries managing to pierce through the panic; helping to bring him clarity and a sense of balance. As quick as it had come on, it dissipates. Hearing her wails and feeling her body wriggling against him  successfully grounding him.   And he briefly closes his eyes; sucking air through aching lungs and releasing it slowly and shakily.  Waiting until the tremors stop and the tears cease to fall before looking down at his daughter.

“It’s okay,” he assures her, and uses both hands to move her further up his chest; wincing at the pain that takes hold in his right shoulder. And he quickly checks her body; those tiny arms and legs, terrified that he’ll find scratches or bruises on her. Worried that  in the midst of his panic and confusion, he had hurt her; tightening his grip enough to cause her both pain and fear.  “I’m sorry, little peanut. I didn’t mean to scare  you.”  He presses a kiss to her forehead, then places a hand on the back of her head and  rests his nose against his brow. “I’m so sorry. Daddy is so fucking sorry.”

“What’s going on?”  Esme asks, voice sleepy as she raises her head from the arm of the small pullout.   She’d been the first to sleep; one moment talking to him as he fed Addie, then out like a light the next. Succumbing to the exhaustion brought on by her own stress and worry.  “What’s wrong with Addie? Is she okay?”

“I don’t know,” he admits. “I think so. I didn’t mean to do it.”

“Do what?” She pushes her hands through hair; securing it in a ponytail with the elastic tie around her wrist. “What happened?”

“I scared her. By accident. I didn’t mean it.”

Fuck. The tears come again; a mixture of guilt, frustration, and anger. So much animosity and disgust.  At Nathan  for causing as much damage as he did;  rendering his body utterly useless and turning his own brain against him.  At himself for turning his back on the situation; ignoring all the warning signs and red flags and Koen’s insistence at leaving the former Marine behind. Had he NOT taken the phone call and allowed himself to be distracted, he never would have taken his eyes off of things and Nathan wouldn’t have been able to get the upper hand.  He would have been able to outsmart AND overpower; his skills and sheer strength and his years on the job far exceeding those of the younger man.   HAD he kept his head in the game, he wouldn’t be where he is now; body torn to shit, no feeling in his legs, pissing out of tube, unable to even feed himself.

And THAT makes him even angrier. For even thinking that way about her.  The one person that has stood by him through thick and thin over the course of the last seven years. Who’d exchanged her old life for a new one with him; never returning home after Dhaka and sticking by his side during his hospital stay and through the months of gruelling and painful rehab. Who’d never abandoned him during his weaker moments; the times he slipped back into old habits and relied on booze and pain meds to cope with his issues.  Who had saved his life and given him a second chance; giving him five beautiful children and a life that he never thought was possible.  

She climbs off the couch, shoving her feet into a pair of flip flops and then journeying towards him. “What’s going?

“It just happened.  I didn’t mean it.”  It sounds annoying even to his own ears; the almost whiny, pitiful tone to his voice.

“Hey...stop…”  She runs a hand through his hair and presses a kiss to his cheek.  Her voice never changes, always gentle and patient. Loving. And while he appreciates it, he also loathes that hint of condescension; that tiny nuance in her tone -or so he thinks- that sneaks through. The one that says she sees him as weak and  pathetic. That he needs to be coddled and babied.  “You don’t need to get upset. I’m sure she’s fine.  I don’t know what happened, but…”

“No. You DON’T now.”

“Just calm down, okay? You’re drenched in sweat and you’re shaking and you’re pale.  You just need to…”

“Don’t fucking talk to me like that,” he snarls.

“Like what? How am I talking to you? I’m worried about you. I’m not…”

“Like THAT. That fucking tone. Don’t do it. Don’t use that fucking tone with me.”

“I don’t have a tone, Tyler.  I’m just…”

“I know you want to help, but talking to me like that...treating me like THIS...it’s not helping. AT all.”

“Okay, I don't know what happened or why you’re reading into everything I’m saying or  why you’re so worked up and taking it out on me, but…”

“If you never called, this wouldn’t have happened.”

She blinks. “What?”

“If you hadn't called while I was there, I wouldn’t have turned my back on him. I would have had my head in the game and I wouldn’t be here right now. I’d be home. With my kids.”

She sighs heavily, shoulders and jaw tensing.  “You’re blaming me for this?”

“I turned my back on him. To talk to you. If I never did that…”

“I didn’t know you were with him. I didn’t know how far into things you were. I was hoping that I’d get a hold of you before you found him. I was trying to help.”

“Thanks for that,” he scoffs. “Look what your help did. Look where I am. Look at how fucked up things. Look at ME. I can’t even feel my fucking legs.  I’m stuck here; in this goddamn bed. In Dhaka. My kids are thousands of miles away! That’s how much you helped.”

He regrets it the moment it comes out of his mouth.  The impact his words have on her is immediate;  the way she recoils backwards as if physically struck, how she scrapes her top teeth over her bottom lip, the tears that fill her eyes.   It isn’t the first time he’s hurt her. And he knows it won’t be the last. It’s who he is; the guy that destroys everything around him and either pushes away the people that love him, or abandons them altogether.

“You think this is my fault? You think I caused this? That I’m the reason this happened to you? Is that what you honestly think?”

“If I hadn’t answered, he wouldn’t have gotten the upper hand. If I’d been focused and…”

“You ARE blaming me. You really are, aren’t you.”

“I’m not blaming you. I’m just saying…”

“Oh, I know what you’re saying. And what you’re saying IS blame. You think it’s my fault that you’re here; messed up and laying in a hospital bed. I’m the one to blame for all of this.”

“If you hadn’t called…”

“You know what? Fuck you, Tyler. I know this is a shitty fucking time right now. I know you’re in pain and you’re scared and you’re angry and you’re worried. I get it. I do. Because I’m the one that’s here with you. I’m the one that sees what you’re going through. But I’m going through this too! Not just you. I’m the one that has to watch the person I love for more than anything in the world go through all of this bullshit. I’m thousands of miles away from my kids, too. You think I want to be there? You think I want you to suffer like this? You think this is a fucking picnic for me? Fuck you for blaming me. For even thinking that about me.”

“And you tell me to calm down?”

Her eyes narrow. “Give me the baby.”

“She’s fine. She’s starting to calm. She’s…”

“I said give her to me!” Esme snaps, and then scoops Addie from his arms. The baby’s cries lessening as both face and tiny hands begin their search for the breast; pulling and nuzzling at her shirt. “Okay little miss…” her voice is gentler and quieter, and she presses a kiss to her daughter’s forehead as her fingers tend to the buttons on her shirt. “Be patient, my love. It’s coming, I promise. I’m sorry it’s not instantaneous.”

“She shouldn’t be hungry,” Tyler comments. “I just fed her a couple of hours ago.”

“She’s not after a regular feed. She’s after a comfort feed. It’s what she does when she gets worked up over something. It’s her new thing. I think I know what I’m doing; I’m her mother.”

“See, I didn’t realize that. That you are. I thought she just magically showed up on the doorstep one day.”

Esme’s eyes narrow. “Don’t be a dick.”    

She drops heavily onto the couch and lays Addie against her chest; the infant immediately latching on, cries turning into  tiny whimpers and soft sniffles,  then content murmurs.  He watches them out of the corner of his eye. Mother and daughter with their matching  colour and texture of hair and the exact same profiles; those cute little noses with the freckles across the bridge, the smooth curve to their chins, the long, dark eyelashes.  Noticing the way the  fingers of one of Addie’s hands curl around Esme’s necklace, the others pulling and twisting at the edges of her shirt.  And how gentle and loving his wife is; a palm running over their baby girl’s hair as she talks to her about all the pretty bows and clips she’s going to be able to wear soon, a soft smile curving her lips.

It’s a beautiful smile.

SHE’S beautiful.

*****

“I’m sorry.”

“I don’t want to hear it,” she keeps her tone quiet and soothing, eyes never leaving the baby. “Sometimes sorry isn’t enough.”

“I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean what I said.”

“You’re not usually the type that says things he doesn’t mean. You’ve never been that way.  You always say what you mean.”

“Not that time. I don’t blame you. I know it’s not your fault.”

“It doesn’t matter if you meant it or not. You said it. And it hurt. It hurt a hell of a lot.”

“And I’m sorry. I am so fucking sorry. I never meant to say it. You’re right; I am scared and worried and angry and I do miss my kids. And I snapped and I lashed out and you just happened to be the person here when I did.”

“Funny how I always seem to be the one that is here when you do. Guess I’m your favorite target to take your shit out on.”

“You know that’s not true. You know I never mean it; the shit I say when I lose it.”

“Well it still hurt. And you can live with that for a while. You don’t think I hate this? That we’re stuck here? That you’re laid up like this? That this all happened in the first place? You don’t think I’d rather be home? With you and the kids? I don’t want ANY of this. I don’t want you pain, I don’t want you going through months of therapy. That’s the last thing I want.”

“I know.”

“I already blame myself. I don’t need you doing it too.”

Tyler frowns. “Why would you blame yourself? Why…?”

“I didn’t know that first letter...the one supposedly from the Corps...was a fake. And I should have been able to tell when I looked; I should've known it wasn’t real.  And I didn’t. I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for. There was no way you could have known that it was all bullshit.”

“I feel like I should have known. That I should have been able to look at it and tell it was fake. I’m sorry that I didn’t realize it. Because if I had, I wouldn’t have sent you out there.”

“You didn’t send me anywhere. I went out there willingly. You had nothing to do with that. And I don’t blame you for what happened. I don’t even know why I said the shit I did. Because it’s not what I think OR how I feel.”

“It still hurt.”

“I fucked up. And I’m sorry. I hate myself for saying it. For letting all this get to me; for taking it out on you. I would never hurt you. Intentionally. You know that, right? Please tell me you know that.”

“I do. I DO know that. I know that you’re not thinking right. That all the meds and the stress and the worry are messing you up and that your brain does it’s own thing when it’s going through shit like this. But you still hurt me Tyler. Whether you meant to or not.”

“I know I did. And I’ll apologize a million times if I have to. I love you; you know I do.”

“I love you too. But right now? Right now I don’t like you very much. And I have that right. To be pissed with you.”

“Yeah,” he agrees. “You do.”

“I don’t even know what caused all of this; what happened with Addie. Why did she wake up crying like that? What…?”

“Things are starting to come back. About that day. In the storage place. Before I could only remember up to a certain point. But now it’s all coming to me. It’s all mixed up and out of  order, but IS coming back. Just like you said it would.”

Sighing heavily, she glances down at Addie and presses a kiss to the tip of her nose.

“It’s going to get ugly. Really ugly. And I don’t want it going too far. I don’t want there to be a third time; where I put a gun in my mouth. Because that’ll be the time where I DO go through with it. And that’s not what I want. I don’t want to leave you and the kids. That’s the last thing I want.”

“What do you want me to do? IS there anything I can do?”

“I don’t know,” Tyler admits.  “I really don’t.  But I know I need help. Before it goes too far.”

“I can talk to Julie. She might have ideas or know someone can reach out to. We’re in a hospital. There has to be people here you can talk to.”

“I don’t want to talk to anyone. I talk to you.”

“You need someone other than me. Someone who does this sort of thing. A professional. “

He scowls. “I don’t want to talk to a fucking shrink.”

“Well you need one. You need someone that knows about PTSD and depression and knows ways to help you. I can only do so much, Tyler. And I’m tired. I love you. With everything I am and everything I have. But I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired. And I’ve got a baby inside of me that I’m trying to keep alive and Addie’s here, but I’ve got four little kids thousands of miles away that I miss and I’m worried about. I don’t have much more to give.”

He sighs heavily, eyes downcast as his fingers fidget with loose strands of threads on the bottom of his hospital gown.  

“Do you want me to go home?” Esme asks. “To the kids?”

“That’s the last thing  I want. You leaving. And maybe that makes me selfish as fuck, I dunno. Maybe I’m an asshole for keeping you from them and making you feel obligated to be here.”

“I don’t stay because I feel obligated. I stay because I love you. The same reason I stayed seven years ago. Only a billion times more intense.”  

He nods slowly, considering her words.

“I’ve never felt obligated. I’ve never felt guilted. Not seven years ago, not now, not anytime between. I’m here because I love you  and I don’t want you to be alone. And you would do the exact same thing for me. I know you would. So don’t ever question why I stay. Why I stick it out through the things I do.  You should already know the answer.”

“I don’t want you to leave.  And I know it’s probably better if you DID...for you and the kids...but I don’t want you to.”

“Then I’ll stay.  We  know they’re safe and we know they’re being taken care of.  And if things keep going the way they are now, you’ll be getting sent home soon. And that’ll make everything easier on all of us.  But right now we need to concentrate on what’s going on here. You said you remembered things. Is that what happened? With Addie?”

He nods.

“More than what you remembered before?”

“There’s a few new things. It was a dream. I think. Or maybe I was awake and I was just reliving it in my head. I honestly don’t know. But I was back there. With him. And Addie was sleeping on me and there was a loud noise and I freaked out; thought it was a threat and that I had to protect you and her. And then things started clearing up and I realized where I was and I just lost it. I didn’t even remember her being with me. I thought you were dead.  I thought ALL of you were dead.”

“I’m sorry, Tyler. I’m sorry you’re going through this. That your brain is doing this to you.”

“I don’t know if I scared her or the noise in the hall did,  but she was crying and it snapped me out of.  And if it WAS  me?   I didn’t mean to do it. I’d never hurt her.”

“I know you wouldn’t. And so does she. Look at her; she’s already looking for you and listening to your voice.”

He glances over, a smile tugging the corners of the mouth when he finds Addie intently watching him out of the corner of her eye. One of her hands abandoning their tugging of her mother’s necklace in favour of reaching for him; head turning completely towards him, a smile of her own spreading from ear to ear.

“That was definitely a comfort feed, wasn’t it little miss?”  Esme pulls her shirt closed across her body and stands up.  “You want to go back and see daddy, don’t you. Traitor.”

“I don’t want her to be  scared of me. I don’t…”

“She’s not scared of you in the slightest,” Esme assures him, and returns the baby to his chest. “Even IF you did startle her, she’s obviously forgiven you. You’re her daddy. How could she not? She knows you didn’t mean it.”

“I would never...ever...hurt her. Any of them.”

“I know.”  She pushes a hand through his hair and drops a kiss on the top of his head. “Are you okay? You’re still shaking a bit. Want me to see if they’ll give you something lightweight? Calm your nerves but not knock you out?”

“I don’t want to take any more meds. I’m already taking enough.”

“They’re all things you need. Adding something to  keep you calm or to balance your moods out won’t hurt.”

“I don’t want anything else. Enough. I don’t want anymore shit put in me. I just want to get the fuck out here.”

“And you will. I know it seems like it’s never going to happen, but look how far you’ve come in just a week. No more sedation after tonight, no more nerve blocks. Once you feel your legs again, you can even start therapy. It won’t be much at first, but it’ll be something, right?”

“Honestly, I just want to be able to take a leak. In a toilet.”

“See! You have that to look forward to, too. After you get the feeling back in your legs, things will start going back to normal.”

“I just want to go home.” He feels the sting of tears again; that loneliness that eats at him whenever he thinks of those four remaining little ones anxiously awaiting his return.  “Just get the fuck out of Dhaka and never think of it again.”

It’s the worst it’s ever been; the homesickness. Every time he’s away he feels it; those little pangs that come with missing the ones you love but knowing you’ll be reunited with them very soon.  The hurt is profound; the uncertainty of when he'll actually be able to see them again. Hold them in his arms and kiss them and hear their voices and their giggles.  He hasn’t even been able to bring himself to contact them; knowing he’d never be able to keep his emotions in check during a video chat or telephone call. And they keep asking; wondering when he’s going to feel well enough to see them and talk to them. Knowing full well that he’d never just up and abandon them.

“Soon,” Esme assures him, as she perches on the edge of the bed and drapes an arm across his shoulders. “I promise it’ll be soon. You’re doing so well. A week ago, I was showing up here and I didn’t know if you’d make it out of surgery, not alone get up to a ward. And I’m proud of you. You never give up. And thanks for totally proving that neurologist wrong. The one who said not to expect much from you. I could have killed that guy.”

“You should have.”

“I wanted to, believe me. He doesn’t know you. Not like I do. I knew you were going to fight like hell to get back to us. Feels good, right? Shoving it in his face.”

He manages a small grin. “Feels damn good, actually.”

“I’ll never complain about how stubborn you are ever again.  Because it is certainly paying off. See…”  she runs her fingers through Addie’s hair. “....she DOES have your smile. Eye crinkles and everything.  They all have it.”

“Maybe. But she looks just like her momma though. Which is a good thing. A very good thing.”

“I figured eventually one would. I wonder what number six is going to look like.”

“We need to find out more about number six. Like when number six is actually supposed to arrive. I feel like that’s something we should probably know.”

“Three days and we find out. Are you excited? Or after the first five are you just so over the process that you don’t give a shit anymore?”

“How can I not be excited? We made a human being together. That’s pretty awesome.”

“And we’ve somehow managed to do it SIX times.”

“Those five  times we had sex were great,” he teases.  

“Day we made the twins must have been extra great. Two in one shot! Extra great or you were extra lucky. I’m going with the latter; I’m pretty sure it happened on your birthday.”

“If that WAS when it happened, it was extra great.  By the way, I heard what you said the other day. About thinking it’s more than one. You really do? Think that?”

“I don’t know.  Something feels...different.”

“Different bad or…?”

“Not bad.  Just different. And not just because this…”  she lays a hand on either side of her ever growing bump. “...is this big already.  I just feel different. I can’t explain it. I just know how I feel.”

“But it’s not bad, right? Like your body’s not telling you there’s something wrong or…?”

“There’s nothing wrong.  It’s just different. I don’t feel like I did when I was having Millie or Declan or Addie. I sort of feel like I did when I was having the twins but not quite.”

“What if it’s more than two?”

“You’re good, but you’re not THAT good.  Our track record is one or two. I don’t think we’re destined for three. Or four.”

“Four? What the fuck?”

“That happens? I will be the first to admit you have super sperm.”

“That better not happen or I’ll cut my own balls off.”

“I don’t think you’ll have anything to worry about,” she ruffles his hair. “I think your balls are safe. You know what else I was thinking?”

“I’m almost scared to ask.”

“A water birth.”  

He arches both brows.

“What’s that look for?”

“You’re kidding, right?”

“We’ve talked about it before.  It’s been an option a couple of times.”

“Yeah, but that’s all it’s been. An option.”

She grins. “It freaks you out, doesn’t it.”

“Just a bit.”

“If I can give birth to Declan naturally on my own living room floor, I think I can give birth in the water.”

“I know you can handle it. It’s not you I’m worried about.”

“You managed to deliver your son without passing out and you never even came close to fainting with Addie.”

“I HAD to stay conscious for Declan or else you were doing all the work yourself and you were only in labour with Addie for half an hour. I didn’t have time to get freaked out.”

“You were the easiest,” Esme addresses the baby.  “Like ten minutes of pushing and that was it. Your sister was the worst. Thirty six hours.  From start to finish. I said never again.”

“Mommy lied.”

“Daddy talks a good game and he convinced her to try for one more. Only we ended up with two.”

“And then daddy said no more and mommy talked him into  going for number four. Because your mom has powers.  And she uses them to get what she wants.”

“Don’t listen to him, Addie. He’s very persuasive. It was all him. I know he looks all tough and mean, but he’s a sweet talker. Especially when he’s in the right mood.”

He frowns and cups his hands over Addie’s ears. “That’s dirty talk, not sweet talk. Don’t teach her those things.”

“You know very well that you can be a sweet talker. Don’t worry, your secret is safe with us. You don’t have a reputation to uphold when it’s just the three of us.”

He removes his hands from Addie’s ears. “With you? Your mom totally seduced me.”

“You lie!” Esme laughs, and playfully -and gently- nudges him in the ribs with her elbow. “That is NOT how it happened at all. If anyone was doing the seducing, it was you. I am totally innocent.”

“There hasn’t been anything innocent about you in years.”

"Because YOU corrupted me. Three days after we met, you seduced me with your pretty blue eyes and your big hands and crazy muscles. “

He grins. “And my butt.”

“Yes. We can’t forget that butt.”  She presses a kiss to his ear, then closes her eyes as she rests the side of her head against his. Neither speak for several minutes; the only sounds the light hum of the morphine pump and Addie’s soft babbling and cooing.

“You’re chatty,”  Tyler breaks the silence. “Like your momma.”

“She has a lot to say for someone who can’t talk yet. Remind you of someone else that always has a lot to say?”

He looks up at her, a grin playing on his lips.

“Millie,” they say in unison, then laugh.

“She has always had a lot to say,” Esme says, and pushes her hand through his hair, letting the strong top strands slip slowly through her fingers. “She definitely doesn’t get THAT from you. Everything else though…”

“I don’t know, I think she got a lot of really good things from you. She’s lucky you’re her momma. They all are.”

“I think they lucked out in the daddy department too.”

“They definitely hit the genetic jackpot.  Our DNA mixed together?”

“We do make beautiful babies, don’t we”

“Yeah…” he lifts Addie further up onto his chest, placing a kiss on her forehead. “...we sure do.”

“You going to be okay when I take her? You’re not going to miss her too much?”

“I’m going to miss both of you. I’ve gotten used to you being here.”

“It’s just for the rest of the day and the night.  Andy will be here with you. You won’t be alone.”

He frowns. “You make it sound like I DO need a babysitter.”

“You know what’s not what I’m trying to sound like at all. I’d just rather someone be here with you. And with Koen taking Rata to the airport and Andy offering me his room…”

“It’s just going to be weird; not having you here.  I sound pretty fucking pathetic, don’t it. Whining about a girl.”

“Excuse you, I’m not just some girl. And you’re not whining and you don’t sound pathetic. You’re going through a lot. I don’t want you to be alone anymore than you want to BE alone. But I need rest, Tyler. I really do. I love you, but I’m tired. And I’m trying to grow a baby here. They need me to take care of myself.”

“It was my idea, remember? You getting a room over there. I know you need rest. You’re not the only one who worries, you know. I worry about you a lot. I worry about you all the time.”

“And I love you so much for that, I do. But right now? I need you to worry about yourself. I’m fine. I just need some time away. Not from you. Away from all of this. It’s not you, you know that, right?”

He nods.

“And what’s that old saying? Absence makes the heart grow fonder?”

“Baby…” he tips his head back to look up at her. “I don’t think it’s possible for my heart to grow any fonder for you.”

“You know,” she grins, and leans down to kiss. “You really DO have your cute moments.”

****

An earlier text sneakily sent to Julie has the nursing showing up an hour before her shift. They meet in the small coffee shop in the hospital’s front lobby, then retreat to the outside courtyard; a table in the shade, far enough from nosy ears and prying eyes.  

“I can’t wait until THEY aren’t needed anymore,” Esme grumbles, and jerks her head over her shoulder, motioning to one of Anil’s people lingering twenty feet away; clad in a well tailored linen suit, dark sunglasses covering his eyes, and a gun on his hip.

Julie sips her iced coffee, then scoops Addie from her carrier; a hand under each of the baby’s arms, supporting her as she ‘stands’ on the woman’s thighs.  She’s not only been genuinely motherly to both Esme and Tyler since his admittance, but has taken on the ‘grandma role’ as well;  displaying a soft spot for that tiny, bright eyed, dark haired baby.  And the feeling is reciprocated; Addie never failing to smile and babble happily when in Julie’s care.   “Has there been trouble?”

“There’s been some whispers, but nothing that can be substantiated.  It’s probably nothing more than pissed off street thugs trying to stir the pot.  There’s nothing for them to gain by coming after us; there’s no money to be had.  The bounty was called off right before Mahajan was taken care of.   Anil made sure of that. Forced the words out of him and recorded it.   Once he was dead, all hope of getting rich died with him.”

She’s unsure what  had made her be so open and honest regarding just HOW they’d ended up in the ICU of a hospital in Bangladesh; a mercenary husband isn’t something she tends to talk about. Not out of embarrassment or shames or because she cares what other people will think, but because that information could be dangerous in the wrong hands.  It’s foolish to think that there aren’t  there  aren’t others   out there seeking revenge for perceived wrong doings; a man like Tyler Rake doesn’t get the reputation he has without stepping on a lot of toes or ruffling a lot of feathers. It’s for her family’s safety; the less people know about them and their lives, the safer her children are.  She doesn’t worry about her own well being -or Tyler’s when he is at a hundred percent- but certainly frets over her little ones. They’re especially vulnerable when away from the house. Never knowing if someone is watching them while on the school yard during recess or when they’re getting on the bus to come home.

It’s better to be safe than sorry.

But Julie is genuine.  That motherly touch not a show.  It’s real and has no strings attached to it.  There's nothing to suggest that she is anything BUT compassionate and trustworthy.  And she’d made it easy for Esme to trust her; the kindhearted and often delicate approach exactly what she needed at such a difficult time. She’d spent years not receiving that kind of love and treatment from the woman who had birthed her -someone like her, so mean and hateful, doesn’t deserve any other term-, that she’d forgotten what it felt like to be treated like a daughter.  Even if it is just ‘part of her job’ and she’ll forget about them once they head home to Australia, it feels good while it  lasts.

“And back home?” Julie asks, never taking her eyes off of a smiling, drooling Addie that grabs at her hair and her glasses and tries to bounce on her thighs.

“So far nothing. I’m hoping it stays that way. Where we live is pretty remote. We picked the spot because of THAT. For the privacy and the security of it. There’s no way trouble wouldn’t be spotted before it arrived. And the people we have there...the friends we have...they know how to handle things. I trust them. With my kids’ lives.”

“It’s a heck of a way to live.”

“Normally it’s very peaceful.  There’s a little bit of a ‘what if’ in the back of our minds, but it’s never been like this.  We’re always so careful with who we  talk to, who we deal with, who we actually put our trust in.  I keep anything and everything on social media locked  downand Tyler doesn’t have any form of it whatsoever. He might as well not even exist as far as the rest of the world is concerned. And he likes it that way.  He likes his privacy and having his own little ‘happy place’; he likes the security that being where we are gives him.   He keeps to himself for the most part; my own family didn’t know what he looked like or what his full name was until we actually got married. But all of this? This is just…” she sighs. “...hell.  It’s been hell.”

“I’m not trying to sound judgmental or harsh in the slightest, believe me. So please don’t take what I’m going to ask next as me being mean or undermining what you’re going through.”

“I won’t take it that way.  I can tell your intent.  You’re not a hurtful person.”

“But with children in the picture, wouldn’t it be better to get out of that life? So you don’t have to worry about those ‘what if’s’? Wouldn’t it be easier to just walk away instead of having to take all those precautions? Wouldn’t it be better to just be able to live? Without all the worrying and the stress and the fear.”

“It would be,” Esme admits. “But this is what he knows. It’s what he does best. And it’s not that easy to just walk away from it. Not after years of doing it. He’s tired. Many times.  After our daughter was born, he gave up.  He was still trying to recover from what happened here the first time and he wanted to concentrate on being a husband and a father. And he did amazing. He did. But when all you know is that or the military and the latter is out of the question and all the bills start piling up and there’s little mouths to feed, you have to do what you think is best. And he went back.  He did what he had to do to take care of his family. That’s all that’s ever been important to him; taking care of us and keeping us safe.”

“Do you think he’ll go back? After this?”

“I know he will.  It’s a matter of when he goes back. But on the bright side, we’re going to be running our own business, and I have my fingers crossed that once he gets a taste of running things behind the scenes, he won’t want to go back to getting his hands dirty. It’s hard; he’s constantly on the go and can’t sit still for more than five minutes and is just so active with the kids.  I don’t want his body or his mind getting too idle. It won’t be good for him. He won’t be able to deal if he doesn’t at least have the option of getting out there. Does that make sense?”

“Complete sense.”

“I know this life is hard for most people to understand.  It’s one of the reasons I DON’T talk about it.  It’s a kind of a shock for people; finding out Tyler is a soldier for hire. We usually just say he’s ex military and that he moonlights in private security. It’s what I told my own family. And believe me, they didn’t take the truth well at all. They already hated him to begin with, finding out he was a mercenary just sent them over the top.  My mother, she’s unbelievable. She’s the ringleader of it all. She’s always been toxic, but when I stayed seven years ago and I decided to make a life with Tyler, she just went off the deep end.  She sees him as garbage. Lower than garbage, even. She has said some horrible things about him. She’s even wished death on him.”

“I am so sorry,” Julie keeps a firm hold on Addie with one hand, then reaches out to squeeze Esme’s shoulder. “You don’t deserve that. Neither of you do.”

“She’s been horrible all my life. She’s never  been a REAL mother. She gave birth to me, that’s about it. And when I decided to make a life of my own and stay in Australia and get married and start a family? That made her a hundred times worse. She thinks he somehow has me trapped there. Or has brainwashed me into staying with him. She calls him ‘that man’. Never by his name.  He tried to make things right with her and extend the olive branch but it didn’t stick.  He did it for me.  He thought it was I needed; a relationship with my mother.  But it wasn’t worth it.  It just made her worse.  She even treats the kids like second class citizens.”

“She sounds...horrible.”

“She is.  There is no denying that. And as weird as it sounds, it still makes me sad. Because that’s my mother.  And maybe I should try harder. Especially now that she doesn’t have much longer. But I can’t bring myself to do it; reach out to her. It just hurts too much. All the things she’s said about him and said about my kids. I can't get over that. I certainly can’t forgive it. Does that make me a horrible person? That I can’t make amends with my own mother?”

“You don’t owe toxic people anything.  If the best thing is to keep her out of your life, then it is what it is.”

“I don’t care what she says about me. I’ve long ago stopped caring about that. But when she talks about him or the kids, I just…” she sighs.   “...I can’t forgive OR forget that.”

“I’d be the same. I’d cut my family out if they treated my husband or my kids like that.”

“She thinks he’s some kind of monster because of what he does for a living. And he’s not. He is so far being a monster. He has this huge, beautiful heart;  when he loves, he loves with everything he has. And he’s an amazing father. They adore him and he’s so good with them. And she doesn’t see any of that. She wouldn’t take the time to see it. She’s too busy hating him. And it hurts my heart. Because he IS my heart. I must sound really pathetic to you right about now, huh?”

“No,” Julie says. “You just sound like someone who has been holding a lot inside for  a lot of years.”

“I try not to talk about it. As far as I’m concerned, that Esme? The one existed in my mother’s eyes? She’s been dead for a long time. I stopped being her a long time ago. And I like the Esme I am now. I like the life I have. I LOVE the life I have. I love being a wife and a mother. And if she can’t accept that, that’s her issue, not mine.”

“You need to keep reminding yourself of that. Whenever she creeps into that pretty little head of yours and tries to drag you down? You tell herself exactly what you just told me.  And I can tell...watching the two of you together...that there’s something really special there. That’s not a normal bond. It’s something strong and incredible.  And I’ve seen him with this little one…”  she presses a kiss to Addie’s forehead and then settles her on her lap. “...and you’re right; he is a pretty good daddy.”

Esme smiles. “He is.  I wish you could see him in all his daddy glory. When he’s healthy and he’s home and he doesn’t have all of this on his plate. Because it’s amazing; seeing him that way.”

“Well I always have wanted to visit Australia. Maybe when he is home and back on his feet, I could come and see that.”

“You’d be more than welcome, that’s for sure. We’d love to have you there. You and your family.  And now that I’ve used you as a therapist and wasted a lot of your hour before you start work, I guess I should get to why I really asked you to meet me.”

“It’s what I’m here for, sweets. And you haven’t wasted any of my time, trust me. What’s on your mind? I can tell it’s big.”

“I’m worried about Tyler. Not physically. He’s doing incredible that way. But mentally.  I’m really worried about him.”

“What’s going on?”

“You already know that he has PTSD; you’ve seen in all it’s glory when he first wakes up in the morning and he’s disoriented and confused and then the reality of being a hospital sets in. You’ve seen him lose it.”

“More than once.”

“When it kicks in, his brain just takes over and he freaks out;  he doesn’t even know what he’s saying or doing. And it’s scary; I’ve lived with it for seven years almost. I’ve been the one to talk him down on many occasions. I’m the one who had to commit him the second time he tried to kill himself.”

“You think things are getting worse? That they’re leading to that?”

Esme  nods as she fights back tears. “I’ve seen him in that horribly dark place and  I don’t want him going back there. Because if he does, I don’t know if I’ll get him back out this time.  I don’t want to lose him; especially not to his own mind. And the way his moods have been and the things he’s been saying, I can tell he’s heading down a really bad road. I want to stop it before he gets even further. I just don’t know how.”

“You think he might try to do something? To hurt himself?”

“I don’t think he’s quite there yet, but I don’t want him getting anywhere near there. He’s already admitted he needs help, and believe me, Tyler never admits to things like that.  It was beaten into him as a kid; asking for help shows weakness and a real man is never weak. Things are starting to come back to him. About what happened last week. And it’s going to get very ugly very quickly and I know he won’t be able to handle it. I need to get him help. BEFORE it’s too late.  We can’t wait until we get home. It’ll be too late by then.  I need to help him. I just need help doing it.”

“We have a crisis team here. That’s worked with people that have suffered severe trauma and have PTSD as a result. A lot of them are ex military and police.  I’ll personally contact them. I won’t waste time bringing it to a doctor and waiting for a referral.”

“You can do that? Bypass the doctors?”

“I shouldn’t, but I will. Do you think meds would help?”

“He won’t take meds. He already told me that. Unless there’s a way you can do it without him knowing. I know that sounds terrible. Sneaking it past him like that. But I’m desperate.  He needs help. Now. Not later. I love him and I need him around. And so do my kids.”

“I’m sure there’s a way I can talk him into letting me give him something.  We’ll be upping the pain meds: I could always say that I'm giving him something to help with the nausea. There’s a lot of drugs that can do both; help him from feeling sick and keep him calm.”

“I don’t want him to be a zombie. I just want him relaxed. I want his brain to stop torturing him.  And I know he’s going to snap over the idea of talking to someone. But if I’m with him, I know he’ll do it. He'll do it reluctantly, but he WILL do it. For me. I seem to be his driving force for a lot of things.”

“Well he loves you. That much is obvious. I see the way he looks at you.”

“Sometimes I wonder if I deserve it. The way he looks at me. The way he loves me. He doesn’t see himself the way I see him. And I see him as my everything.  I never thought I’d say that about a man, believe me.”

Julie laughs.  “I hear you on that. I swore I’d never get married. Well here I am; thirty years later. Still married.”

“I’m actually looking forward to that. Spending that long with him. Longer, hopefully. Life would suck pretty huge without him. So you can help me? You can help him?”

“I can,” Julie assures her, then reaches out to lay a hand on the side of Esme’s head, drawing it down to her shoulder. “He’ll get through this,” she promises. “And so will you.”

[sovengarde]

i hate to vent in public but at this point my notes app is filling up and i have no where else to let this out

i really fucking hate being mentally ill. i fucking hate that i blow up at small things and push everyone away. i always fuck everything up, one way or another. everything is always my fault.

my mother has a friend she wants us to stay with but i hate it over there. im trying not to sound like some stoner cali dude but literally the vibe there makes me physically sick. by the time we're leaving, or fuck even before then, im just so drained of any energy it's not even funny. like i cant fall asleep to save my life but as soon as we get home im passed out, provided i didnt do that in the car.

but because the situation at home isnt great either she wanted us to stay with her. and normally i just say no i dont and it never really escalates but when the whole fight that happened last week between my mother and grandfather that denial was fought by her. i told her i didnt want to go into detail and she got upset but i figured it wouldnt be a problem like any other time.

so she leaves for a week to spend some time there and i locked myself in my room for the week. it felt nice to be by myself and not on edge all the time. because being around her is also draining. fuck she even said she had an amazing time. i've been trying to convince her to go back next week lol.

i walk on eggshells around my own mother. anytime she does anything remotely wrong i have to just sit and take it, because god forbid i bring up any concern to her. she shuts down and then a few hours later im being guilt tripped into apologizing. lather rinse repeat for the 19 years ive been alive.

honestly i wouldve rather have been raised like she was and not allowed to talk about anything at all. rather than her telling me i can talk about anything and when i actually do she throws it back into my face and blows up at me.

i have so many vivid memories of her losing her shit over things ive said. like the time i first came out and she screamed at me that i wasnt transgender bc i didnt fit the fuckin description of the 2 episodes of i am jazz she watched.

or when i told her about my suicidal thoughts and i had to coax her into the driveway bc she was standing in the street saying stuff like "well i should just let a car run me over!"

oh and then the time where she was screaming though the walls of my bedroom that "you should just get emancipated! how about you just fucking leave!" i used to have a fuckin recording of that but when my fb got closed i lost it.

just recently with my new psychiatrist i told her about the bpd diagnosis, side note i fuckin knew i had it since 10th grade, her gut reaction was "yea well i have all kinds of cancer! sorry go on" she fuckin """""""apologized"""""" after that. that literally told me her actual thoughts on my mental health, and that either she doesnt believe me or just doesnt fucking care

and then if i bring it up and she gaslights me telling me that shed never say anything like that. listen idk if you know this but traumatic events kinda stick in your brain for your entire life. i can hear her screaming at me when i think about these times, i can almost see it, it's like im actually there again.

but of course it's always my fault. shes on the phone with my aunt i think talking about "well that plans just not gonna happen." so blatantly in front of me. sitting in the bathroom of her office building damn near nauseous from the stress and then were gonna go home and shes either gonna keep being angry or try and act like itll never happen.

shit like this is why im constantly high now. because at least she'll leave me alone when im high. honestly with how things are going my racist, transphobic, and man baby grandfather starts to look less horrible compared to her. because at least he wont fuckin allow me to let my guard down and then spit in my face.

im so fucming exhausted, im quite literally at my wits end. ive only been in such a deep depression in highschool and i tried to game end myself. literally what the fuck am i supposed to do. i only have like 1 friend i can talk to and i hate putting shit on her, shes got enough on her plate as is. i dont have a therapist anymore. my psychiatrist doesnt like to talk about what's going on bc hes afraid of weed and only schedules meetings that are 30 minutes long.

worst part is i cant fuckin cry. i wanna let these emotions out but after years of pushing them down my """""""normal""""""" is unbareable numbness. i dont feel anything whatsoever. i react inappropriately in most situations. im just in a constant detached state, when i finally see through my own thick shit im terrified of who ive become, that is if i can even recognize my own face.

but from a very early age it was beaten into me that showing weakness to anyone will get me hurt so i stopped. moms even commented that i dont react in normal ways. shes told me she doesnt believe i have panic attacks as often as i do because im not outwardly freaking out. firstly theres multiple kinds of panic attacks. secondly everytime im shaking and suffocating i get yelled at. told im making too big a deal out of what's going on and that i need to stop. so i fuckin suppressed it.

but of course it's all my fault for being actually unable to regulate my fucking emotions and for being so distant and unstable all the time. it’s funny when im not making up my own problems actual issues destroy me. idk man im just. im really tired. 

[poetic-beats]

Update:

I am now having to compile a list of evidence and issues to give to PALS so they can do an independent investigation of my issues about my treatment by the psychiatrists lodge.  I have now seen both psychiatrists who now work there. And had the manager who I still have not been told if he is even a qualified mental health professional or just a managerial role person because he seemed to judge me based on my diagnosis and without reading any of the reports on me or talking to me or bringing me in for assessment again after crisis team referral he seemed to know exactly who i am what my issues are and what i need.

Like no. He also was doing this illegally as when crisis team refers me back to them I LEGALLY get an appointment and reassessment of my needs..

They cant just assume and tell me this is what I am entitled to before i have been assessed.

This psychiatrist I saw yesterday was all about heres your meds now fuck off. He seemed to listen better to my mum at least. However he was not that welcoming and he also got caught in a lie. He kept saying the same rhetoric as the manager that the GP letter I REQUEST to see under the freedom of information of my personal records blah blah act is supposedly my care plan i questioned this then he says oh well DBT and psychologist care is when you get a full care plan I said I DID do DBT i was on the course for some time before i had to quit.

I never was told about a care plan.

Then i say btw right behind you on the wall is a new NHS board outlining specifically care plans and my entitlement to them ITS RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

I already know the law and NICE and NHS guidelines and rulings but in case I didnt its literally there in the waiting room we are in behind you.

He then admits finally that I AM NOT in fact receiving a care plan as that is only for certain people they have a limited number of people who are eligible to receive that even though the NHS and ELFT who covers and runs the care for my area his bosses way up basically above manager of meadow lodge have clearly outlined with NHS and NICE guidelines a care plan isnt something you are assessed to receive It is something I should just have...the bloody board behind him my dad took a pic of It had like a thing where it said you say this ‘ xyz’ and then on the other side it had what this means and what the care provider is expected to do in response and it outlines a care plan what it is and what you receive and how it works.

So its like well that makes no mention of you deciding who gets a care plan rather I should have one and in case I dont i should just have to say and ask what the board suggests to ask and you should respond according to the NHS with a care plan discussed with ME and that WE both decide upon crisis plan of action long and short term goals for my recovery and progress and discuss an integrative approach with a FULL CMHT...something yet again they should be offering but dont. As the manager put it im not in crisis enough to warrant this care that is meant to be pretty standard care not for specially in crisis people. And as for crisis well im not sure how much worse i needed to get. other than my GP almost calling an ambulance on me but instead getting me a same day referral to a crisis team who spoke to me til gone 8pm that night until i was stable enough to leave and go home and in the mean time they’d handle a referral back to meadow lodge in which i was told the appointment system should run smooth instead my parents fought tooth and nail to not just get an appointment in which the manager told me exactly what i would be offered before i’d even been for assessment but he had to fight for a fair assessment one which follows NICE guidelines and standard code of practice for re referrals which basically means i should be reassessed as if i am a new patient in the fact that my needs may have changed or new problems have clearly arisen if ive been referred from crisis team. 

So I have now exhausted every option I also found out by chance the builder/labourer my dad employs rn also has bipolar and has also had the exact same issue i had with the exact same lady psychiatrist after being transferred to her care when our old psych retired. Only he had a breakdown in their reception she did nothing made him leave and then he was hospitalised only when he saw crisis team I saw he wasnt willing to give them another chance so refused treatment there and went through the slightly longer process of being referred else where although to be honest the process isnt longer because meadow lodge dont follow guidelines and rather than immediately seeing me as early as possibly my parents had to phone up to remind them and bug them to even read over the crisis teams referal to them.

Even though a crisis team referral is equivalent to someone being rushed to A&E you are the priority patient over others not in A&E therefore i shouldnt have had to get my parents to chase them up for an appointment and then fight for a fair assessment. Which tbh i half got and half didnt.

This is v. frustrating but hey at least i now know of 3 other people who were under my old psychs care when he retired were put under the lady psychiatrists care and we have all had issues we have all been discharged around the same time after being transferred to her care. And me and the builder at least that i know of have ended up in crisis teams care for a period of time.

So basically we now have 3 known incidents of this psychiatrist discharging people who have ended up in crisis because of it shortly after discharge showing clearly we werent meant to be discharged nor ready to be and another lady who complained on the NHS site about her and the lodge as a whole since my old psych who ran it retired. SHe had similar complaints i did about treatment and as for the builder my dad works with and employs well she told him hes far too young to have bipolar and have these issues in his life and discharged him saying he has to take care of himself and take self responsibility.

So at this point if i go to PALS with facts about discharging patients before they were safe to be discharged and say well just look i know of me and one other person whose ended back up in severe crisis care shortly after her discharging us this is not a coincidence and there is a third who has also been discharged and complained oh and two years earlier there is another complaint about her also saying to a guy for an assessment with her that he needs to care for himself gave him adhd meds and discharged him on the initial meeting back to GP care.  And told him he had to basically buck up and get a job as its what normal people do or everyone has to do even thoguh he said he needed help and treatment so he could function to work. Again it seems to be a pattern that she tells people they have to care for themselves without giving us the toools to learn to self cope and self care. 

she is rude. not compassionate. cares more about stigmatising us and accusing us and having very odd beliefs for a psychiatrist given studies have always shown disorders like bipolar type 2 and rapid cycling itself is almost wholly found in those who develop bipolar disorder at young adolescence...so its a whole thing based around developing it young. And here she is telling the builder we know hes too young to have bipolar and problems. 

as if she knows his life she basically dismissed his diagnosis tbh...because of his age...even though hes in his 20s mid 20s and its not uncommon for bipolar to take hold in adolescence mine appeared when i was 17/18 so clearly someone in there 20s is not too young to have such a disorder she would know this as she would have studied more in depth than i did the disorder and the studies and science on it. 

I am SO mad. i wasted my time yesterday and caused my mental health to be put under immense strain because of how i was treated YET AGAIN by professionals whose duty is to care for me. Now i am back at square one and left having to go through getting a MHA to help me with the PALS complaint process.

[yournewapartment]

(pt 1/?) Hi. I live in an apartment building (not run/owned by the university) and am having some problems with my neighbors being too loud at night. Personally I've had to call security on them twice, and others have called at least 4 other times. After one of the early times, the noisy people came around and gave people their numbers (there are at least 3 girls living there in a 3 bedroom place, but mine is just me in a 1 bedroom), and asked that we please text them when they got too loud

(pt 2/?) instead of immediately calling security, and they seemed genuine at the time, but when i tried texting them in a group chat at 2 am asking them to turn it down, they barely did and kept trying to almost guilt me into feeling bad that they had to turn it down, saying things like “if we turn it down anymore we can’t hear it” and “how will it be okay? We are lowering it as much as we can”, and insisting that there has to be some sort of middle ground where their music was still at the

(pt 3/?) volume they wanted and i was comfortable, but to me those things can’t both happen at the same time, since clearly the volume they wanted was disrupting me trying to go to bed. I spent 30 minutes texting back and forth with them still not turning it down anymore, despite me asking nicely and explaining that i could hear it in my bed, which is against the wall to their living room (theres not anywhere else to put it, and i don’t feel like i should have to rearrange my space because they

(pt4/?) cant be quiet) so i finally gave up and called security at almost 3 am and filed another noise complaint. They texted me again after the security guard came, basically saying that they were trying to work with me and i was being unreasonable. I guess my question is, how would you recommend dealing with them, because a. I don’t wanna have to be the bad guy calling security on them, but it seems like that is the only option for me and b. I only know of 3 girls living there for sure

(pt 5/5) because they are the only 3 that ive met, but they have guests over all the time, most of them guys much taller and larger than me (5 ft girl) and im not really comfortable going over there to deal with this because they know i called security at least once and they’re pretty mad at me and c. like i said they’re pretty mad at me so i worry about some form of retaliation. Thanks!! (5 messages in total, and i have it saved elsewhere if u need part resent. thanks again)

Most landlords have a clause in their lease agreement stating that after a certain hour of night, noise levels have to be controlled. Usually this time is 9pm. Regardless of whether there is a clause in your lease agreement or not, it’s common decency to not blast music at 2 in the morning. They are being unreasonable and manipulative, and it’s clear that talking to them does not accomplish anything.

Step 1 is blocking their numbers. Seriously. Don’t engage with them or play games with them over text. Block them tonight!

Step 2 is contacting your landlord about this. Get the other people who have made noise complaints to come with you and demand that your landlord issue do something! Tell them that the fact that you’ve asked multiple times, called security, and been polite has done nothing. Tell them that you are unable to sleep and that they are infringing on your rights as a tenant. Your landlord will probably either issue a noise complaint or talk to the problem tenants. 

Step 3 is to keep complaining every single time something happens. 

Do not interact with these neighbors or ask them to turn the music down. They know you want the music down already.

Record video evidence on your phone of how loud it is.

Complain every single day in person or over the phone to your landlord.

Get the other people to complain as well.

If you feel threatened by these tenants, stay locked in your apartment and call the police. 

If your landlord gets enough complaints about these tenants, they will have no choice but to kick them out. I had a horrible neighbor who was a babysitter for three very young and loud grandchildren from 6-11pm every single night at our last apartment. We were across the hall from them, and literally it was so loud it was like they were in the same room as us. The people underneath them actually vacated their lease early because they couldn’t sleep with the racket, and after I complained three different times to our landlord, she finally kicked them out. 

She did issue them two different noise complaints, which did nothing. She then told me to just call the police if they were loud (which I didn’t feel comfortable doing). And then when I told her for the billionth time that there were three little children over there every single night that were probably not on the lease she finally seemed to hear me, and they moved out the next day.

[legojacques]

Kent starts taking a photography class at a community college and ends up meeting a really cute guy there. The cute guy doesn’t know that Kent is a famous hockey player, and over time, starts to think that Kent is part of the mob...

(This was an idea on the Parse Discord that got really long. I want to come back to clean it up and redo it as an actual fic (or ficlet) at some point, but for now, enjoy the ideas that came out of the chat.) (@overheardattheaces)

Under a cut because it’s hella long

Lego: "I started taking a photography class at the community college so I could take really nice pictures of Kit." "Okay...." "But then I met this guy there and he doesn't know who I am and now I'm in too deep." "Why?" "He knows I like hockey. He wants to take me on a date... to a hockey game." "Oh shit." "He know nothing about hockey." "That's really cute." "I know." "You're really screwed, Parse." "I know that too."

Linnea: kent's saved by the fact it's the unlv team and he doesn't have a game that night. they sit towards the back and kent keeps his hat pulled down low

abigail: but what if this guy tries to take kent to an aces game

Tony: i have no idea whats happening but i want the shenanigans that come from "i cant go" "oh, why?" "uh. i have. a thing that night"

Lego: Kent: i work a lot Cute Guy: that's a lot of really weird hours and travelling. (OH SHIT HE'S A HIT MAN)

Tony: knlkdfsnkgjsI WANT THOSE MISUNDERSTANDINGS MORE Cute guy: Oh don't worry I understand. (FUCK I DIDNT THINK HITMEN WERE THIS CUTE)

Lego: Cute guy: I'M LITERALLY DATING AN ASSASSIN BUT I DON'T CARE BECAUSE THE DICK IS TOO GOOD

Linnea: kent's in vegas. he has lots of money. this kid seriously thinks he's stumbled into dating someone in a mafia ring. 

Lego: Cute guy: wow how'd you afford this house? kent: oh you know, investments and stuff cute guy: DEFINITELY MOB MONEY

Linnea: cute guy: bites fist investments???????????????????

taggianto: Look it's Vegas. Either he's with the mob or he's a hooker. 

Linnea: his friends are like: you're the one who got yourself into this. if you end up buried in the mojave that's your fault.

abigail: im living for this 

taggianto: Maybe he's a hooker FOR the mafia

Lego: oh shit. he's the femme fatale. seduce em and then kill em

Linnea: femme fatale kent omg this kid has a new story for his friends every week

Tony: i mean depending on what Kent's into if the cute guy finds something in Kent's closet--

Linnea: and they've seen, like, his fancy car and his shiny watch and the way he always wears sunglasses and hats low so he won't be recognized and he's clearly built..... friend1: you can NEVER break up with him. friend2: and pray he never wants to break up with you. friend3: it was nice knowing ya....

Tony: hfdlfgg why do none of them READ A PAPER 

Linnea: they're college kids?

allison (believesinponds): Vegas isn’t a hockey town. Lol

Lego: friend: if they find a body in the dump we'll know it was you

Tony: im crying

Linnea: cute guy: we went to this really vip club over the weekend and they just....waved him right in???? 

Lego: kent's got access to all sorts of exclusive and hot clubs in town

Linnea: friend: oh shit, he must be connected to the family that runs it 

Lego: friend: i heard that some mobsters do all their torturing in the back because the loud music covers up their screams friend: he took you there as a warning

Linnea: kent: so i was watching the news and they said these meteors are supposed to hit next week and be super visible if you can get away from city lights. wanna hit the desert? cute guy: that's it. he's done with me and i'm going to become scorpion food and my mom won't even get to bury me

Lego: lol. imagine the car ride out there. kent: (i'm being so romantic)

Tony: its so t e n s e on one side

Tony: but only ONE SIDE

Lego: cute guy: IM GOING TO DIE 

Linnea: kent just wants a romantic date with the perseids 

Tony: Kent keeps looking over and smiling

Linnea: they get to the spot and kent reaches behind the seats. cute guy flinches cuz this is it. he's gonna die. but it's a blanket kent: let's get out. get a better view. cute guy: he doesn't want blood in the car. of course.

Lego: cute guy: the blanket is for bundling up my body because it's easier to clean up

Linnea: cute guy: i've seen this csi before

Lego: cute guy: there's no signal on my cell phone

Tony: when you're already at stage 5 of grief, acceptance

Linnea: cute guy: if i at least get one more good lay, it'll be worth it, right?

Lego: cute guy: best dick ive ever had. at least i'll die happy cute guy: maybe cute guy: i hope he chooses something quick and painless

Tony: i mean sometimes, the only way to go, is during Relations™ 

Lego: so cute guy survives a tense night in the desert. he feels like he passed some kind of test but he's not sure

Linnea: but how does he learn the truth?

Lego: hmmmm....he doesn't.lol, just kidding

Linnea: and how hard does kent laugh when he finds out what cute guy thought? also looool when cg sees scraps

Lego: looooool. one day cute guy bumps into kent and scraps at a restaurant cute guy: okay we at least have it narrowed down to russian mafia

Linnea: scraps is canadian lol

taggianto: Mafia scraaaaaaps 

Linnea: lol it's post-game so they're in suits

Lego: Another time cute guy sees Kent with a bunch his teammates. They look like his bodyguards

Tony: I mean is Kent the smallest guy on the Aces You see all these guys in suits that are 6’0-6’5 surrounding this 5’10” dude and literally all you can do is be like what the fuck Anyone with any context is like “oh there’s the Aces” but if you know zero about hockey you’re just like “the mob is here”

Lego: Cute guy: on one hand, that's terrifying because they can break every bone in my body but on the other hand.... Kent looks so good

Linnea: friend: like, at least they won't break every bone in your body without his permission?

Lego: Cute guy: part of me is ready to be mob wife Cute guy: the other part of me is screaming run

Linnea: friend: ignore it. you can't run faster than the mob.

Lego: Cute guy: mob wives always look good though. Like I'm going to need to step up my fashion game. I always wear sweatpants.

Tony: I love that his concern now is his fashion game

Lego: He's seen Kent in his expensive suits. And even Kent's sweatpants are expensive.

gizelle from hell: Kent wears vetements nah jk he probably just has a lot of adidas and rebook gear

nerdflighter: somebody needs to continue this is absolute gold no wait I'll tell you how this guy finds out. this guy's name is,,,,,David. it's David. David eventually realises that Kent loves him for real and is not going to kill him in desert or something like that. and he loves Kent back so when David proposes, his proposal goes something like: "Kent Parson, I've loved you for almost 4 years now. you have an amazing dick, and you're the most handsome, generous, gentle, person I've ever met. even if you're in the mafia, I'd still like to marry you. would you make me the happ–” "you think I'm in the MOB?" [record scratch sound]

abigail: IT GOES ON UNTIL HE PROPOSES I'M DYING 

nerdflighter: ME TOO. they have a long sit down conversation about how DAVID THOUGHT KENT WAS IN THE MAFIA. FOR 4 YEARS. WHILE DATING HIM

abigail: oh also, when this guy and his friend's see kent after a rough game, with a swollen eye and cut lip, they are downright terrified, more so than they were before

nerdflighter: David's friend Eliza, drinking Starbucks: could've been worse. for a while there he thought you were a femme fatale

restfulinsomniac: They run into Tater at a bar and David is like “oh my god there’s a scary Russian guy glaring at us this is how it ends I’m just gonna get killed in the crossfire” 

nerdflighter: Kent, staring at Eliza: have I seen you before? Eliza is an intern in the PR department and the biggest troll ever

Lego: kent: hey so some the guys wanted to meet you . [nervous laughter] cute guy: oh my god they go to a low key restaurant where everyone is shifty and watching what they say because they've been warned by kent to not reveal his identity cute guy: definitely mafia

abigail: omg what if a fan approaches them when they're out like that

Lego: kent: [panics] [whispers to a teammate] can you take care of it? teammate: distracts the fan but what cute guy sees is the teammate leading the fan out of view somewhere to be "taken care of" at some point, cute guy overhears a conversation between kent and one of his friends kent: i need to tell him the truth. i feel bad lying to him. cute guy: [reveals himself] cute guy: it's okay, kent, i already know kent: omg you do????? how did you figure it out? cute guy: it was so obvious. the money. the hours. the bruising on your knuckles cute guy: i love you anyways kent: aw that's a relief kent now thinks cute guy knows he's a hockey player. cute guy continues on thinking kent is a mobster

nerdflighter: LMAOO. this is exactly why David was still under the impression that Kent is mobster by the time he proposes (does Kent think David has trust issues/an abusive ex bf because of the way he behaves around Kent's teammates?)

Lego: i mean.... if i had to meet a team of huge, hulking, famous hockey players, i'd act shifty af too. also, that's a lot of people to meet in one sitting

Lego: cute guy: so that scraps guy is hit man, right? kent: (aw he's so cute when tries to talk hockey. i think he means defenseman) kent: yes dear

Linnea: kent: he's an enforcer, yeah, but a total sweetheart behind the mask. 

Lego: kent: yeah he's a bit of a goon and he hits hard but he's always there when you need him

nerdflighter: scraps, a gentle boi, trying to make nice with David: so, I heard you're in college? David, screaming internally, heard from whom? your "friends"?: yeah, I study microbiology

Linnea: scraps: is that, like? the csi stuff? with blood? david: screaming internally, i promise i will not end up on the opposite side of the law from you no, it's bacteria, viruses, prions, cells. biology on a microscopic level. scraps: are you gonna be a doctor, then? if you do, i'm sure we can find you an opening. david: aaaaaaaaand now i'm going to be a mob wife and a mob doctor x.x

Lego: kent comes home one night with blood all over his clothes (from a bloody nose) cute guy: it's okay. i've been preparing myself for something like this. i know how to remove blood from clothes kent: oh wow that's handy

Linnea: cute guy: or is it better to burn them?

Tony: kent: Do not burn this its Versace i know exactly nothing about fashion ignore me

Lego: cute guy: i also know how clean car interiors too kent: i would never get blood in my car

Lego: cute guy to his friends: it's like he's a really hot james bond villian. he's even got the cat and everything

Lego: cute guy: did you ever have a different vision for yourself? like did you ever imagine you'd ever wind up as a, you know, for a living? kent: i mean, not really. it's what i've dreamed about my whole life cute guy: (WHO DREAMS ABOUT BEING IN THE MAFIA AS A KID???)

abigail: OMG. ON A SADDER NOTE. but what if kent tries to talk about jack to cute guy and he brings up the OD and cute guy is just like "yep his mafia friends couldn't handle this life" or "what if it was planned,,, is someone coming after kenny in that same way"

Lego: kent mentions "bad bob" a couple of times and cute guy thinks that he must be the godfather, mob boss guy. it's a very intimidating name

[startwithbrooklyn]

THE GREAT ND REWATCH OF 2021 / SEPTEMBER 10-11, 2019 // the car crash

-"stop acting offended" oh god sis 😰🥶

-"lucy knew hudson family secrets in the past, tiffany knew hudson family secrets in the present. both of them are dead." and you ARE a hudson family secret, hes trying like a pretty little liar to keep it 😭

-"you suspect everyone of everything, you always have since you were little" 🤔 *professor voice* "the ad hominem is a fallacy of relevance where someone rejects or criticizes another person’s view on the basis of personal characteristics, background, physical appearance, or other features irrelevant to the argument at issue.

An ad hominem is more than just an insult. It’s an insult used as if it were an argument or evidence in support of a conclusion. Verbally attacking people proves nothing about the truth or falsity of their claims" https://thebestschools.org/magazine/15-logical-fallacies-know/#adhominem

-"if you keep suspecting the people closest to you of horrific crimes you're gonna end up alone" this quote becomes fascinating in the context of our future knowledge of nancys parentage foreshadowing "i've been alone my whole life" threatening nancy with solitude comes off weird. the price of being too perfect i suppose.* wonder about ryan's take on this as a parent. strangely i think she honestly wouldn't mind being alone (on some level anyway)

-wonder what exactly makes captain tom a "legend". he was featured so prominently in the press that a serial killer engaged w him and made him out to be a hero.

-"didnt want his mom to see" where was aces mom this ep and w the poisoner? wonder why they only chose to reveal her s2. maybe to give captain tom more of a feature?

-"he was letting us down" ...or just you?

-"you two are that kinda close" its been like 2 months since they met sis i guess that is 'close' to you

-"how are you and your family?" laura says that to ace in the recording --> s2 ironyyyyy

-love how mcginnis forces the nurse to update these random strangers at the hospital lmaooo

-i love how nancy kinda thinks shes the only one doing supernatural things like shes always surprised to find people who think its legit, even hannah gruen who takes it so straight faced and seriously, nancy always respects her but gives off a little "you might be taking this a bit too seriously" vibe imo

-bess w that unintentional save on the phone to nick lmaoooo

-rawley side eyes the fuck out of nancy as she literally breezes past him to get to mcginnis 😂

-wonder how mcginnis owes tom exactly

-mcginnis looks just as reluctant to admit he cares about ace as nancy does lmfaoo

-damn she knows him really well, all he communicates to her are fucking facial expressions (and her back lmao)

-"theyre not my friends" vs "i'd try anything to save my friend" - is ace the first one she calls a friend? like, the actual f word? 👀😳

-in sharp contrast to nick, george is ironically good at mysteries bc shes always suspicious of everyone

-"okay. dead lucy-" *everyone groans* 😂

-*breezes past carson in his own house* what a mood lmao

-wonder if adam beach supported this feature or if he thought it was disrespectful/cringe

-"there are many things you and i need to discuss" 👀😳🙈👗👑🤰😰🥺🤱😔

-so do we think ted has been corrupted by simon when bess opens that door orrrr was that just ted doing 8 year old things

-love this nick/bess bonding tho

-so carson-wolf, nancy-whale, george-turtle and ace-bear. wonder if those specific animal choices have any particulr meaning. 🐢"a turtle, cool" 😂

-carson definitely has his white "do not understand but dont wanna offend" face on 😭🙈

-when i first watched this ep i could not stop saying "nifty!" the whole time 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

-carson's like "okay ive had enough of indulging this make believe crap dont tell me somethings wrong w my very clearly wrong kid"

-"this is serious" lmfaooooo at this point nancy only appeases mcginnis' beliefs bc shes desperate for answers at any cost (ie "i can just ask tiffany what happened")

-wonder how long carson has worked on this cover story for when nancy inevitably asked (the fact that he got the most curious child in the world is so fucking painful yet funny)

-nancy like 😌👉🏻👈🏻"hey mom, my friend accidentally wandered into your world for a minute, could u help find her?" lmaoo

-"are we even dating?" its been a week baby chill lmaooooo

-lisbeth + hairstroking 💙

-okay bess nails her with this clothing/fashion analysis but everyone dismisses fashion so readily as frivolous that bess gets underestimated on sight

-15 years ago + "i made you that promise when you were six" = ace is 21

-"the moment he thought his father was going to die" i'll take carson - irony for 1200 alex

-wonder who tom was chasing before his crash

-"these boots dont belong" god damn george's big sister instinct activated on sight 😭

-wait how tf did she get that bear in her hand

-"you made a difference, right?" whens the last time someone told you that

-nick and bess are the weakest fucking links w mysteries lmfaoooo

-UNPOPULAR OPINION : "you're a cop!" nancy + cops - mcginnis and rawley fuck her over/view her sexually/as competition and let her down along with karen- but she likes lisbeth who is the opposite, suspected her from the beginning due to the previous people "betraying" her (she and the chief start this show in an odd place with zero trust bc she thinks she can do it better) but lisbeth passes the test; lisbeth is willing to bargain with them and doesnt question where they got the hudsons info. now nancy does not hesitate to call lisbeth for the murder of owen (ie the hand prints) and going after josh on the roof, even tells her the blunt truth about calling the agleaca (lisbeth is NOT woke to the supernatural btw) "use me" she does want to work with police, which she is infamous for not doing previously, because of her connection to bess? because they were men? karen didnt have enough power, or didnt take her seriously? what makes lisbeth so trustworthy? or is it only nancys desire to avenge owen? but she just didnt trust the other cops to get the job done- maybe she still doesnt, but at least she trusts lisbeth for the time as an authority figure when all others have failed. all cops (karen, chief and rawley) in nancy's trust lose her respect/secrets out but Lisbeth has to prove her worth to get in. maybe its something about engaging w women. i mean women can still fail her of course (lucy kind of, kate+reveal, karen) but in terms of feminist themes, the show capitalizes on these exchanges between women for the living and the dead: ghosts/demons who are male (ie simon) are pure evil (think "mr roper" at the asylum being in particular focus when it was the whole family who died) but something like the agleaca (of human origin) is made to be a sympathetic case/highlighting how women have suffered historically and are take revenge as ghosts, able to find power in death that they did not have in life, and circling back to nancy trying to give them previously denied justice through working with other women.

-"let me do it" 👀👀could it be? empathy? a sacrifice on behalf of someone you still wont call a friend?

-"killer boots." *struts like a badass with 'im a bitch, im a boss' playing in the background*

-okay lbr. how on earth did lucys dress come off her body in the ocean? like. is that legit??

-"it's just so not how i would handle things" SIS THIS SHIT COULD ALMOST PROVE YOU TWO ARE DNA RELATED FOR HOW YOU FUCKING HANDLE THINGS like nancy? are u on crack? lmfaooo carson absolutely came for u and he absolutely should have

-"i understand that impulse, it runs in the family" make it a true daily double, alex🙃

-"you stole evidence and sent it out of state because you believed it was the right thing to do" no, you just think you know better than everybody else tbh

-wowwwwwww i cant believe lisbeth really decked her but another half of me can i fucking love lisbeth

and lastly

-oh ted. 💔🥺

[icantdo-this-anymore]

12/4/2020

I honestly never thought I would come back to this tumblr. I thought I finally found my happy. I got married this year. I haven't had the urge to cut in who knows how long. Ive only had mild depression. My self esteem has been incredibly high. Anxiety at an all time low. Everything has been GOOD, even with the shitshow 2020 has been, until today.

I can't go to my friends and it's more so for fear of them actually hurting my husband and I just, kind of dont want them to know? I dunno honestly.

I found out today that he's been cheating on me in a sense? It's not physically which I'm thankful for but it for sure was emotional and kind of sexual and I just feel so betrayed and it was for sure outside the realm of something I'm comfortable with in our relationship.

This was a conversation we had so early on in our relationship. I watched my dad cheat on my mom my whole life and I didn't want to be a part of that broken dynamic as an adult. I told him if he even THOUGHT about cheating to talk to me about it. We would either work it out, break up, open our relationship maybe, whatever to prevent as much heartbreak as we could.

But its weird? It's not physical. No pictures, he's never met up with anyone. He had this persona online, using kik, that wasn't even anywhere near who he is. Literally playing the oposite sex, saying he was into kinks that he assures me he's not.

I've never snooped in his phone. I've never had a reason to. I needed to get on his walmart app while he was asleep to see what name our pickup was under(we have covid so friends and family are getting our groceries) and I saw an app open that I had never seen before. I wouldn't of looked through it but I saw literally one sentence sent to him that destroyed my perfect bubble: "oh, you're horny?" Pop. Gone. Immediately upset but also trying to not jump to conclusions because I trusted my husband.

I read the whole conversation. It was only for today but it was nothing I've ever heard him say or write down and with how they acted, I could tell they had been talking for a little while.

I confronted my husband, of course, who wouldn't? And it didn't go how I thought. I was fully prepared to walk away if he lied to me or brushed it off but he came clean, 100%. Answered every question truthfully. He let me ask as many questions as I wanted, provided more information than I thought he ever would about the whole situation. Let me have all of my emotions and he showed me more of his than I've seen in a while.

I gave him a couple gut punches. Told him that I had been so proud of this relationship not being abusive, I had never had a good track record with relationships and that apparently didn't end here. I wanted him to hurt like I do.

I don't know if I'm being dumb sticking around but he's promising to make changes. Deleted the app in front of me, made it easier to get into his phone(I've always had his pattern). Showed me exactly how to check his data recipts to confirm that he isn't installing it and removing it every day. He's left his phone pratically next to me all day.

He said it's a relief that I know, that it's a part if his life that he can close. He said that he's used it since high school and these people had become his friends and he couldn't just throw them away but he wasn't aware of how much it would hurt me. He said he doesn't want to be like my parents.

If it wasn't sexual, I would of had no issues with it. I have always told him that I won't take him away from his friends. He knows this is his ONLY chance. If he fucks this up, ruins my very mild trust in him, I'm gone.

I really fucking hope this doesn't happen again but I honestly can't be assured right now that he wont do it again.

[ts-akhmim]

Episode 1 | Part.2 “GET YOUR BOTTLES OUT YOUR BONGS YOUR CRACK” - Adam

GET YOUR BOTTLES OUT YOUR BONGS YOUR CRACK WHATEVER YOU WANNA CELEBRATE WITH GORLS BECAUSE WE DID IT!!! I've offically conquered my biggest fear of playing in any of these games for the third time in a row, i will NOT be the first boot! I also am keeping my own lil personal record of never having to go to the first tribal council of the season which is wig, although idk lmao i kinda wanted to go to tribal just because im gonna be honest, i want to PLAY the game. Right now everyone is still kinda in that annoying honeymoon woohoo go team phase, which granted I do want us to keep up for the numbers, but ... im bored. im trying my best to keep up and be in the social circle but i swear actually talking to other people is probably one of the hardest things for me, especially the whole call culture thing like oh gorl i dont even like talking to my grandma on the phone, like im all for group calls but when people message me wanting to do 1 on 1 calls? uh.... my commitment issues jumped out. I hope that doesnt hinder me in the game because im really trying my best with what ive got to make friends and hope people just dont hate me and wanna vote me out, but i still feel like im not doing enough. Maybe im just being hard on myself, ive been having good convos with AJ, Augusto, and Amir, kinda Austin too, but then i feel bad I haven't connected as much with Connor or Kendall, but i do enjoy them on the tribe. My strategy now is gonna be to just work on my social game since we wont have to go to tribal, maybe tone down my dying urge to just wanna strategize, especially because my first time i played i spent too much time talking game and not enough getting to know the people and it ultimately cost me in the end. But i'm also concerned no one is talking game with me really but amir and aj so like.... i literally STILL have no idea how half these people feel about each other from a game perspective, which is okay i guess ,ill be patient, keep my fake smile on and haha hehe'ing with everyone, but just know i have my knife in my boot and im READY to whip it out whenever. But not tonight, we did good, so now i can focus my energy back on this DAMN TOMB. see yall at 2:29 am on the dot!

YAY. I get to enjoy my first day off EVER in tumblr survivor. im so so happy even though i definitely overdid it in this comp and got too much attention on me but... whew. just gotta wriggle my way back under the radar now

So, I’m actually not surprised that we lost. I had a gut feeling that we were going to lose just based off of everyone’s activity and performance in the challenge. First tribal always sucks because no one wants to be the first person voted out. Luckily, I don’t think it’ll be me just because I think I have solid connections with everyone. Devon and I had another call where he told me I was his number one ally in the game. Isaac also told me that he and Trace want to both work with me. And I’m also in the DADS-R-US alliance with Autumn/Duncan/Devon. I have connections with almost everyone on the tribe, so I hope that after this tribal we don’t lose another challenge cause then that’s where things are going to be tricky. For this vote, I think it would be best for Bodhi to leave. He gave the worst score for the challenge, not to mention I really haven’t communicated with him much. From conversations that I’ve had with Devon, Isaac, and Trace, they also seem like they are on board with Bodhi. Now the next part is just to convince Autumn and Duncan to vote out Bodhi too. If it’s unanimous, it’ll show that our tribe is more united going forward. I think that’s the easy vote going forward, mainly because I think I have solid connections with everyone else on the tribe so I would hate to ruin those connections going into a swap. I have the DADS-R-US Alliance with Autumn, Devon, & Duncan. I like all of them so I’m glad it’s a thing. I feel like I vibe with all of them and it really solidifies that there’s a majority within the tribe. I do feel bad that Isaac and Trace aren’t in it, just because they’re definitely down to earth people. I can see Trace being a threat long term, so I mainly feel bad that Isaac isn’t included. I like the DADS Alliance, the only concern I might have is that Autumn/Duncan seem to be close so that’s something I need to look out for. Devon says I’m his number 1, but I kind of get the vibe that he might betray me around mid-merge just because it seems like he’s trying to play a big UTR game. So that’s something else I want to think about in the back of my mind. Overall, I feel like everything else is self-explanatory. I feel like after the first night, people just kind of got quieter and quieter. I’m hoping that everyone will be on board with voting out Bodhi and that I don’t end up being #blindsided at the first tribal. Cause that would be awful.

Night number 3, ive done my research, studied up on my questions, i basically AM an egyptian now, only for me to get my ass back on the path to the tomb for the 3rd time, only to get all the questions right and see the pedestal is EMPTY. Meaning there's a few scenarios that couldve happened. Clearly I was too slow, and my honest hunch is someone found this damn thing night one, no one has said anything to me, and i feel like ive had decent conversations with the people i semi trust? My first instinct says it could be amir because me and him were both going non STOP on looking for that idol night 1 and then he never mentioned it to me again, which granted i didnt say shit to him when i found it so touche on that one, hopefully he has it and just doesnt want to tell anyone which i wouldnt mind, or aj could have it which i really would hope he doesnt and is lying to me about it because clearly that would be bad because itd make me think he wants to use it against me, but i dont think aj has it. Everyone else is a wildcard, I wouldnt be surprised a bit if connor or kendall have it, there's a reason to me why everyone could have it so im not gonna let it drive me crazy, clearly im just not in the know about it with whoever has got it and thats JUST fine and dandy.... I know how to play this game with or without idols in my possession, whoever has it might have a bit of a head start on me, but trust and believe it's only day 3 the shenanigans have just begun dahling. Now that just means I have to REALLY be on my A game, it'll be a bit of a tricky challenge navigating around the idol, especially in a tribe of 7, but much like everything else in my life, im gonna suck it up and make it work, so whoever you are that's got it, you better beware of me! Because now I know you got it! And if I got a lead that's all I need to cause some chaos, in fact I think im gonna go do that now, I wanna talk to everyone who might not have found the way to the tomb yet and let them know someone got it already, create some paranoia and maybe make sure the target isn't on my back but we'll see, like i said when i get bored i get creative

okay so i'm already really anxious KJLASDF. i really am mad at myself for getting the highest score in the challenge, that was so stupid. next challenge i somehow have to wriggle my way backwards, because being a winner with the highest score? what was i thinking that was suchhhh clownery ugh. well. i need to tone it down 100%

Deep down, I almost prefer losing the first competition for two reasons: 1. You can weed out the weakest member of your tribe (almost like cutting the fat off the meat) 2. You are able to test tribe loyalty from the start. If you win a bunch of comps and go into a swap with numbers, that's great, but you will always be itching to actually play the game. Those without tested loyalty will have a hard time adjusting against those that have been forced to play already. In terms of the vote, it sounds like everyone wants to take it easy and vote out Bodhi. That is fine, but I'm not thrilled about it. I feel like Isaac would have made a better first boot considering his messages are somewhat dry and he has more connections across the current cast. However, it doesn't make sense to cause a rift right now. Pending an idol play, this should be a remotely easy round for the tribe. -Slithers-

cast assessment: the brawn tribe is losers. who the fuck wins a challenge lol. fucking losers.

but i like ali and im excited to play with jordan pines. the beauty tribe is FULL of former allies of mine. Augusto, Connor, Amir, AJ, and whoever else? they're all people i've worked with (maybe aside from aj i dont remember tbh). So far I'd say im alligned with everyone on my tribe to an extent. Isaac and I have a night one alliance, but I think I have to cut him this round... Fuck. I love Autumn and Duncan, and I like Devon and Scott. Trace I'm indifferent to, and I'd be happy to see him go, but idgaf if he stays. Right now im trying to find the idol with isaac, while im not telling isaac that he's gone if he doesn't find it and play it. Ideal scenario: isaac finds the idol and we idol out trace 6-1 ( i want to protect myself from being seen as helping isaac).

Bodhi is driving me insane. First he blows the challenge and now he's like gone on a mad dash to get into the Tomb, which is probably boobie trapped to hell btw. I'm just kinda over him being here like he pulls me aside Day One and tells me he wants to work with me and then I hear from Trace that not only is Bodhi writing my name down but thinks everyone else is going along with it. I hope Bodhi doesn't have the idol; but in the event he does I'm thinking about throwing a vote on someone else to make it a 5-1-1 as a contingency. Bodhi if you read this I'm sorry buddy that you might be a 2 time first boot but I can't help you and I don't think I really want to. I'm just praying I survive this round.

I have not been the best in explaining myself in these confessionals huh… but let’s do a recap for y’all <3

Day 1 went by super fast but the good thing about my social game is that I do make a good first impression on people and I think that ultimately helped me get my footing so far? Within the first hour or so of talking to Kendall, she suggested we become an alliance. At first I was taken aback like MA’AM you don’t know me like that… but I of course said yes because why deny an alliance yknow? I do like Kendall though, so it was nice that she quickly decided she wanted to join forces in the game. Connor and I reconnected from our time in Socotra and we were dropping hints of protecting one another in this game, which was nice. Amir and I clicked INSTANTLY like it was insane how well we meshed together yknow? I would consider him my #1 ally so far and I know for a fact the feeling is reciprocated but I do wanna keep an eye out for him because he’s gonna be incredibly dangerous in this game. Adam and I also clicked super quickly due to our love of skinny legendt herself Mariah Carey and we are basically the same person. Austin and I did talk for a bit over our love of similar stuff which was cute. I had the hardest time clicking with AJ. Overall, I had 2 solidified partnerships, 1 unknown partnership, and then a good vibe with mostly everyone else. Day 2 was big to say the least! Amir had let me know that he was the closest to me and Adam during the beginning of the day. He later mentioned Kendall once the alliance was made. So for me, Amir’s connections are me > Kendall > Adam > Connor > Austin/AJ. Adam had told me that I was one of his faves to talk to so yay for that. Austin had also told me that I and Kendall were his faves to talk to. So… here I am thinking that I am doing THAT in the game ngl and then Connor asks me “lowkey like we’re gonna work together right” which I already assumed but said ofc. He then told me Kendall wanted to make an alliance with us two, herself, and Amir. I am totally for this as my 3 close personal alliances basically combine into one alliance which is nice. That being said, the others were trying to think of a fake 5th member to add and it’s a little early to quickly add one person to it. We need more time to feel people out and whatnot, but it did seem interesting that Amir suggested Adam and Kendall suggested Austin given what both had told me way earlier in the day. I would prefer Adam personally as I do feel like currently, Kendall is the most connected and strongest socially in the game just based on my observations. I’d love to think I am a close second but I could be delusional, I tend to be. But yeah, I’m finally in a majority alliance which is cute. And that’s what you missed on Glee <3

When I tell you that I am SHOOK that I didn’t lose this challenge like… I was expecting to lose ngl so yay for that! Especially since I was one of the top scorers on this challenge… I just hope that excuses my flopping on whatever flash game we get gbhvcnxm but yeah, the thot tribe lost and Bodhi… did so bad like SIR. It is very safe to say he could leave and that makes me sad because I wanted to reunite with him and do some potential damage. I do hope he made an alliance pretty early because Bodhi is honestly a very nice person so yeah. This tribe got told they won the challenge and disappeared like all I hear is crickets nnnn which kinda sucks but oh well. The shitty thing about me as a player is that I sometimes need a lot of reassurance so I just want these people to hit me up first and see what’s up. We shall see what transpires luv xx

The biggest headache of the season (aside from me) is the idol system like I may only have half a brain cell but I’m exerting all its power on trying to find this thing. The clue said to look around and I’ve looked all over the blog and NOTHING like… I do not know what else I could do and it’s driving me absolutely mad luv xx (‘: not that advantages do me any good ever but I just wanna figure it out ;-;

i’m me finding the link to the tomb right after submitting that confessional is a MOOD. k so i put the link in and sent it to the hosts, they told me that “Unfortunately, you have not entered the Tomb” and after that, the picture I saw had disappeared. So now I’m thrown in for a loop (is that even the correct term? ghfdjsk) because I think that the link/pic is only there at certain times and the first person to find it gains access? It is my theory and i’m sticking to it ofc but now what do I do with this information? I think I will sit on it until I gain access to the Tomb for the first time and then we shall see what happens.

God, I cannot believe we literally got our asses HANDED to us by the other tribes. I actually put a good amount of effort into this challenge so it was a bummer to see that not everybody could hold their weight. But actions have consequences so I guess it makes sense why we're here at tribal council. I really do like all of my tribe mates! There is not a single person on this tribe that I don't want to work with, which makes this whole thing very complicated. Right out of the gate, people were talking about voting Bodhi because of his HORRIBLE performance in the challenge. He came to me right away, calling himself an idiot and hoping I would pity him? I don't tbh, he fucked up and there is no fixing it. I am just kinda pissed because like I understand the concept of procrastination, but we literally had two days to do it and he submitted what, 5 things? Like get a fucking grip idk. So I want him out. It's not a fixable problem for him. I trust Isaac quite a bit. He is def my closest ally at this point. I also really like Scott, even though he fucking ruined me in Maluku. Duncan would be my 3rd. I proposed to them to create a group, and we did. I am hoping that this 4 will help me survive at least a few more pre-swap tribals, but I also feel relatively close to Autumn and Devon too, so really it could swing any way that we want to if Isaac and I are in trouble. Bodhi claims that 6 people are voting for Isaac. I could be that oblivious, but I think that Bodhi is going to get blindsided tonight, which is awkward because how could he not see it coming? Idk, the kid has got some blind ambition lmao. Let us just hope that Isaac and I survive tonight's tribal and then can really this misfit tribe to win a goddamn challenge.

So after my last confessional, the DADS alliance got on call and lowkey there was actual contemplation on whether or not we should vote out Isaac instead of Bodhi? This video below describes me in that moment

So I'm trying to subtlety tell the DADs that I think Bodhi should go over Trace and Autumns the only one that agrees with me on this. Duncan and Devon are like "no we should keep him and get rid of Isaac" and I really didn't want to do that but at the same time didn't want to seem like a dictator. So I told them I'd vote out Isaac if they felt comfortable with that. We couldn't really agree so we decide to sleep on it and reconvene tomorrow. 

Tomorrow comes around and Devon tells me he still wants Isaac out over Bodhi. I'm like "bruh seriously?" so I try to tell him my reasons for wanting Bodhi out but also tell him if he/the group want to do Isaac then I'm down for that. So we wait for Autumn and Duncan and when I get on the call they're telling me they're leaning towards Bodhi which has me happy cause it was what I wanted to do to begin with and I didn't need to make my arguments. We love having great minds that think alike. The big takeaway from this is that Devon is definitely lowkey shady since he was all about Isaac leaving before the call and then suddenly had a change of heart. Anyways, I reach out to Trace and I'm like "oh we're good with Bodhi right? and he purposes an alliance of the two of us, Isaac, and Duncan. Which has me thinking, this could work. I can have Trace and Isaac think they're in the majority alliance to ensure none of them play an idol if we lose. OR, maybe I could use them to get Devon out? So I tell Duncan that Trace wants to have an alliance with us and Isaac and he's all for it. We like being the Kim Spradlin of the season. But then things get shady because Trace tells Duncan and Isaac that I MYSELF purposed the alliance which is not the case. So now I'm on edge with Trace because he wants to build me up as the threat. So if we do lose, I also wouldn't mind voting out Trace and explaining to Isaac that Trace was spreading lies about me which I didn't feel comfortable with so that the alliance of Duncan/Isaac/I could vote out Devon should we continue a losing streak? The only thing I do know is that Bodhi is leaving tonight. Bodhi, if you're reading this I'm sorry for voting you out. You're a cool dude, and I feel bad for not talking to you much until you left. Also I'm sorry for not talking to you about the vote at all today, I feel bad lying plus I was lowkey busy with school work that I procrastinated and finals prep. The only thing I need to do now is figure out how the hell i get into the tomb?

okay so i'm not actually going to tribal but gotta make it all about me and do a round wrap-up? i'm already feeling like this might be my last game i forgot the stress of games. the main thing in this game is that i really like jake? he is SO much fun and i manifested from preseason that i would like him and it happened (i haven't told him i figured out he was cast preseason that feels like it would be too creepy), but i'm just happy i manifested him as a really fun ally and it came true!! i really like him and jordan. also my tribe is scaring me i feel like they want me out and me having an idol does not help with my neurotic panic nnn. for guessing who is gonna go home, i really hope autumn and isaac are safe, duncan too!! i kinda assume it'll be bodhi or devon just because they didn't do too hot in the challenge but we will see for sure

https://youtu.be/LPplZtIK9KM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N7EpyCcQVcM&feature=youtu.be

[the-martian-chronicles]

Surgery Update

I’ve been meaning to write this for a while. If you are interested in reading about my recent hysterectomy experience, check it out behind the cut. 

I had a Total Laparoscopic Hysterectomy and Bilateral Salpingo-Oophorectomy with Dr. Jessica Vaught at Winnie Palmer Hospital in Orlando on June 9th, 2017. Dr. Vaught was referred to me by my Gynecologist, Dr. Brenda Barry who also practices in Orlando. I’ve had wonderful experiences with both doctor’s as they are both familiar with transgender medical issues and have several transgender patients (FTM and MTF). 

I had been wanting to get a hysterectomy for a while to deal with some cramping and breakthrough bleeding issues (I’ve been on Testosterone off and on for close to 12 years), but the procedure wasn’t covered by my insurance until April 1st of this year. In the mean time, I met with Dr. Barry to get all of my medical records lined up supporting the necessity of the procedure and then had a consultation with Dr. Vaught at her Orlando Health office. She was very polite, informed me of the different techniques available, and gave her recommendation for the surgery type she thought would work best for my situation. After wrapping up my meetings, the next step was to wait for my insurance company to authorize the procedure. This was by far the most annoying and time consuming aspect of the whole thing. 

My insurance company claimed they were waiting for information from my doctor to start the authorization process, the surgeon wouldn’t schedule the procedure until they received approval from the insurance company, etc. It took a little extra leg work on my part to figure out what order the different players involved in this needed to get the hysterectomy authorized and scheduled, but I made it happen after several phone calls and emails. 

Right after the authorization was granted in May, I scheduled my pre-surgical screening at the hospital for the end of the month. The day of the authorization was hectic since it was actually an entirely different procedure than I was expecting. I had another consultation with Dr. Vaught to go over the procedure specifics (time in the OR, what to expect post-surgery, what to look for if I thought there was a problem, post-surgical restrictions, etc). I filled out surgical paperwork and then had to go to a separate facility for the remaining portion of the pre-surgical screening. While I was there, I filled out more paperwork, had to pay my insurance deductible, had my blood drawn, and was sent on my way. All in all, I think the surgical pre-screen took roughly 2 - 2.5 hours. 

I was instructed to clean my body and navel with Hibiclens soap the evening before surgery and the morning of surgery, and had to sleep in clean clothes on freshly laundered sheets. No problem. I got up early the morning of the 9th to take my second special shower and then we drove to the hospital. Winnie Palmer is an amazing facility for the procedure I had done, but there was one thing that turned me off. After going through security to check in, all patients and visitors are given sticky badges to wear on the shirt. This wouldn’t have been a big deal, but Winnie Palmer’s full name is “Winnie Palmer Hospital for Women and Babies”. As far as I know, the only patients having surgery in this hospital are considered “women”, so the patient tag they slapped on me was white and matched every other female patient in the place. I wasn’t feeling too anxious until Ashley and I took the elevator to get upstairs and we were stopped by a security guard. He said something to the effect of “Wait, this doesn’t look right. You must be playing with me. Which one of you is having surgery today?” My anxiety spiked and I mumbled that I was having surgery, but then he became more insistent. Ashley spoke up and clarified that I was the one having surgery and there was no mistake with my patient tag. The guard was clearly flustered and looked over to the patient liaison to confirm that I was indeed the patient. They said everything was fine and that we could go up. The guard apologized profusely and I could tell he felt genuinely sorry for the incident, but my anxiety spiked and I suddenly felt very dysphoric. 

Once we got to the 4th floor for my procedure, The waiting room was filled with a couple families who were surrounding the patient they were with. Ashley and I swapped name tags after check in just so I could relax a little and then I went to the bathroom to collect myself. About 10 minutes later, my name was called and a tech got me and told me what I needed to do to go back with her to the bathroom. First, I had to brush my teeth with a sponge brush in a special solution and then I had to rub Iodine around the inside of my nostrils, all as part of an attempt to reduce surgical infection. 

After I finished that, I went into a pre-surgical area where I was further instructed to wipe down my body with surgical wipes in a certain order, had to put on my surgical gown, and those surgical socks with the sticky tread. Then I laid down in the bed. That’s when they put on those weird leg cuffs that massage the legs to prevent blood clots and I was given IVs in both hands. I spoke with a couple of anesthesiologists about the procedure and what I could expect pain wise, and was given pain medication and a mild sedative. After that kicked in, I was finally wheeled back to the OR. 

After I woke up, I noticed that my entire stomach from the just below my chest down had been trimmed with clippers, but I wasn’t feeling pain. I was pretty out of it still, but was able to ask my nurse how long the procedure took, which was only about 45 minutes. I promptly fell back asleep after this. It turns out that whatever anesthesia they gave me knocked my ass out and I struggled to keep my oxygen levels up to move into phase 2 of recovery. Instead, I was in Phase 1 doing my best to wake up, but it just wasn’t happening. The worst part was that I have sleep apnea, so I have a CPAP machine that helps me with my oxygen levels when I sleep, but they wouldn’t let me use it. They wanted me to breath on my own. I get it, but if I have trouble breathing on my own when I’m not sedated, how was I supposed to do it when I was super drugged? The whole time Ashley and I were asking to see each other and they finally let her come back briefly, which made it a lot easier for me. 

Anyway, after my oxygen levels were high enough, I was finally moved to phase 2 recovery and could be with Ashley again. That was uneventful and filled with release paperwork, having my IVs literally ripped out because my nurse was in a hurry, and taking a couple pee breaks. Ashley drove me back to her parent’s house where I planned on recovering for a few days and that was basically it. I slept a lot the first few days and had to pee a lot from the IVs, but my pain was minimal in comparison to top surgery. 

I did have an infection spring up a few days after surgery that I’ve written about, and I would say that was hands down the worst part of my surgical experience in addition to constipation. 

I am now 3 weeks post op and no longer spot and the infection has cleared, which is also awesome because I can work and do a little around the house. I do have a weight limit restriction of 10 pounds for what I can lift, push, pull, etc and can’t have sex for another 3 weeks (for a 6 week total). Also, holy fucking hot flashes. I went through that the first time around with Testosterone, but those were baby hot flashes compared to what I’m experiencing post-surgery. Terrible infection aside, I couldn’t be happier with my results and am so stoked that I’ve been fortunate enough to put two gender affirming surgeries behind me! 

[pansexualbatgirl-blog]

So like. Some people were kinda confused by the scattered posts and talking from my mutuals bout my new medical issues so I’m just going to quickly explain stuff here rather than to everyone individually. Anyways below this is my horror story of my gallbladder so far. No I did not have surgery yet but I’m scheduling stuff tomorrow when their office is open from the holidays. I’m alright now but occasionally still in pain and have been p much forced onto a diet.

Anyways without further ado, have the extended story of how 2016 fucked me up one more time right at the end. Anyways, I’m avoiding the majority of the gross details (the worst being probably my ultrasound and the pain which was bad)

My gallbladder got infected AND has gallstones (which is like a complicated thing im not gonna explain but long story short: OW) which happened some time just before christmas (the infection part).

Anyways I thought I had the flu the day after so I was tryna rest and stuff but all day on the 26th and 27th I was sick super bad and wasn’t able to eat. and on the 28th i was STILL sick superbad but the pain i thought was just the flu had just gotten super intense. And by that I mean when my moms boyfriend drove me to the hospital I cried at every bump. I was in so much pain it had just taken over my whole stomach and made it hard to walk and move and do anything p much (which was why I had been going to the hospital)

So anyways my mom had work in the morning and so did her boyfriend so nobody was able to stay there with me (and hospitals terrify me, for the record). So anyways I finally get to a room in emerge and the doctor comes in and THANK GOD it had been long enough for the initial tests to come in so I didn’t have to tell them I was a virgin and therefore Not Pregnant 30 billion times (because as a girl going to the hospital for stomach issues, thats their first thought). So he has me lay on my back and then starts pressing on my stomach and I screamed really loud and was caught between shaking and holding still because it hurt so bad i didnt want to move but like. He kept pressing on different places trying to find out where the pain was worst and it was on the right side (which I couldn’t really tell before since it had p much taken over half my body) which is Bad. Like, pain in the right side of your stomach is bad and they thought it was my appendix maybe so I got told I was going to get an xray and an ultrasound.

Which freaked me out.

So after he left the room my nurse came in and told me that it’d only be a few more minutes and then I was having a small anxiety attack so she helped talk me through some questions I had about the type of ultrasound the doctor had planned (bc it was originally gonna be one of the insert-smth-in-your-body ones) and told her I had anxiety issues (which will come up again later). Anyways she explained things in a way that made me feel less scared and then told me it would be painless and how it worked and made sure I was ok before going.

A few minutes later a guy comes in and puts the thing they put IVs in you into my arm and then injected me with morphine and some fluids and then walked me down to wait for my xray (which was so fucking painful lemme tell you. hes lucky the drugs were good or id have passed out by then but again: anxiety. I was too scared to ask for a wheelchair to go there).

So then they do my x-ray and the lady walked me to the ultrasound room. Not sure why (either from dehydration or because the nurse told them i was anxious about the other type) but I got the normal type of ultrasound. Which, idk if all of you have gotten one before, but theyre generally painless. Generally. They coat your belly in gel and then rub it with this thing that shows them your stomach-- painless. And by then the screeching roar of pain had dulled down a bit. Enough for it to only hurt in some places rather than all.

Anyways, she starts and I start crying right away. Like not moving, but tears everywhere. She had to guide my breathing the whole time (okay hun I need you to breathe. deep breath and hold it. okay now breathe, i know it hurts im sorry) and like I don’t know how long I was in there but it felt like forever and I was just in SO much pain the whole time even with the morphine in me.

Anyways bless her soul when she realized I had walked there she just “haha fuck that no i am wheeling you back you are not walking” only more polite and like when I answered I had walked she had this “im going to kill someone on your behalf” look on her face. So yeah she wheeled me back and told me she couldnt tell me about what she had seen on the thing (as they send it to a professional to get the reading) but she had a worried look which left me super anxious.

Ten-ish minutes not even later, the doctor comes back in, along with the nurse. He tells me that theyre admitting me and that it’s my gallbladder. He mentions its infected and my mind just goes blank with terror because when my mom had her gallbladder out it got infected amd she almost died. And at that time it didnt matter that my older sister and like two or three of my aunts had gotten theirs out with no problems, my mind just went straight to “oh my god I am going to die immediately there is no hope Im going to die alone right here in this room”. And the doctor is a bit patronizing and keeps asking me if I understand whats going on and what hes telling me and I just keep nodding and saying yeah and he left me with the nurse to go over the other stuff and I lost it. Like I had asked if I could call my mom (who I knew would understand WHY my anxiety attack had turned to a panic attack) and the nurse had been about to say that she had to go over some medical stuff first but when I broke down she quickly (bless her soul) got me my phone and let me call my mom right away (because again, I was alone at the hospital).

So yeah Im full blown panic mode and I get my mom on the phone and I barely get out “mom its my gallbladder” before i can no longer talk because I’m having trouble breathing. So my moms talking and asking me things (trying to see how bad it is) and I just am having trouble keeping up the conversation because I’m crying so hard so the nurse offers to talk to her and explains what all is going on to my mom for me properly and how bad it is (again, bless this ER nurse because she’s literally my hero). So my mom had mentioned “yeah when I had mine out I almost died from an infection” and my nurse just “yeaahhh lets not tell her that” but the thing is I already knew it was one of the scariest parts of my life and my mom said that and she kinda got how bad it was. Anyways so she gives my phone back and left to go get me something for my anxiety and my mom is telling me to call her if anything comes up and I knew she had to work in the morning so I’m trying to be calmer (because my mom needs p much all the hours that she gets, our family never has had too much money) and I went to ask if she could have her boyfriend or my sister or aunt or someone come sit with me the next day and my voice broke and it was a big sobfest and she just “I’m going to call in right now and drive up there” and Im trying to tell her not to but she just “I wouldnt be able to work with you there alone ANYWAYS” and stayed on with me while she was getting ready then when the nurse came back let me go so she could call her work (it’s community living so theres someone there 24 hours a day to answer, but either way its like one in the morning)

So the nurse brought me a pill for anxiety and chilled with me until it was time to send me up and ALSO had the pill ordered for the floor I was on so Id be able to have one if I had another attack. Now, like taking care of patients is one thing but she was an honest to god angel okay. Like she went way above and beyond what she needed to do and was super kind the whole time and even helped me pack up the little bit of stuff I had. Like good nurses in my hospital arent anything new but she was incredible and I can’t express that enough.

anyways when I’m up in the room they let me wait for my mom to get there (I was put in the old ppl ward because it had the first bed open on that floor, since it shares one with OB). When my mom got there they went over stuff with her and they said they’d know by morning if I was responding well enough to anti-biotics or if I needed an emergency surgery (which wouldve meant the inflamation/infection was very, VERY bad and not getting better). By then Ive mellowed out because morphine + anxiety medication = the highest Jean you ever did see. So I sign some papers and my mom asks more questions and then the nurse leaves (again, I was super high on the crap they gave me so I don’t really remember this part too clearly). But my mom stayed with me until I was falling asleep then gave me a hug and kissed and promised to be back in the morning when the surgeon would make the call.

Morning comes and I wake up and I woke up in too much pain to even try moving enough to hit the red page-y button for a good few minutes. Anyways when I do they bring me pain meds and they take a little while to kick in (as it was oral ones and not morphine this time) but kick in they did and by the time my mom got there (like half an hour later, its a 20ish minute drive from her place) I was very much high again (albeit still in pain).

So we wait for FOREVER for the doctor to come in and I get the news that I don’t need surgery right away but DO still need it. Annnnddd then I’m told Im spending another night there which was blah. I was also told that I wasnt allowed to eat or drink anything and that I’d be on antibiotics and fluids through my arm since they had to flush out my system or whatever.

She sat with me most of the day and chatted with the older lady’s son who was my moms age nd really nice to me even tho i spent most of the day half asleep nd full of painmeds. Anyways aroundlike 2ish? they took me to another room with a new nurse (this one in OB where I was supposed to be) and the guy wished me good luck and joked around bout how they’d loan me a wheelchair because his mom had like 4 different varieties in there ok. So in OB I had my own room and it was super big and the bed was super comfy,

Anyways my mom had to leave and let her dogs out and take care of my animals at my place so I laid there and napped off and on between pain meds and messaged some people and such. I kept dozing off on everyone though and needing to take breaks from talking and honestly theres not much to tall about this part. I slept and slept and my mom came back later and brought me a colouring book, a change of clothes, toothpaste nd toothbrush. Whcih is important because the morphine made my mouth taste gross and I wasnt allowed to have water even. Toothpaste with a gross mouth is a blessing. Boi, the things you appreciate when in the hospital lemme tell you.

Anyways I had to stay another night, this one less eventful and with less pain. I slept the whole thing nd in the morning I was feeling good enough to get up without pain meds (which i didnt need the rest of the day either woohoo). And my appetite came back (I hasn’t eaten since christmas night and even then, not that much as i didnt want food really. I hadn’t really been eating much at all that day or the couple before it) which was both good and bad... good because it meant I was getting better and bad because I was FUCKING HUNGRY OH MY GOD. But I had been dying for a drink since the day before so when later that day one of the peeps came in with apple juice and ice water I was so happy. When I was able to handle that ok I got a liquid lunch (jello, a popsicle nd broth and MORE APPLEJUICE!!!) and it was good. I got discharged not long after nd then got to go home after getting antibiotics nd pain pills.

So now the plan is to book a follow up tomorrow (since the office was closed due to the holidays) and then i go in for surgery round the middle of february. Which means I’ll probably be in the hospital on my birthday which is, you know, wonderful. Although the bright side is I’ll probably get pity presents. Maybe I’ll get a pity party. BUT I’M NO LONGER ALLOWED CAKE SO IT DOESNT EVEN MATTER.

Like I’m not on an as-little-fat-as-possible diet until its out since fattty stuff will iritate/inflame it again. I also have to avoid sugar or eating a lot at once so. Bright side I’ll probably lose the weight ive been trying to get off downside i cant eat fucking anything and i hate everything 60% of the time.

But ya that’s my story if you read this far ilu nd thanks for listening to me bitch