#this is heightened by the Mood I am currently in

[itspileofgoodthings]

two sort of related teaching thoughts I’ve been having as we barrel towards the end of the school year:

1) an aspect of the job I feel I’m just growing into—well, not an aspect, really. More of a central tenet—is being able to see and remember that I teach KIDS. And that is so important to remember in all cases but especially with my high schoolers. They are so young and more than that so much has not happened to them yet. There is so much they don’t know. And the more I see it the more I can be compassionate and yet also removed? Distanced? Not under the illusion that I’m addressing people of equal maturity or experience to me—or even close—and so being at all times mindful of the incompleteness of pretty much everything about them and thus being gentle with them. And also at the same time remembering and rejoicing in their humanity and all their glorious funny raw potential. It’s amazingly hard to do, harder than I thought. But I do think I CAN do it. And it gets a little easier with age.

2) It is shocking how many teachers don’t see kids that way and are uninterested in trying. It’s almost an epidemic the way that teachers swing between appreciating kids as if they were other adults—gassing them up, frankly LYING about their depth or intelligence in ways that shock me on the daily (when people call a kid mature and act like that is a literal statement and don’t contextualize it, I have to laugh, literally none of them ARE mature, they’re all raw; also the smartest of them aren’t deep. They CAN’t be, they’re KIDS)—or on the other hand being disgusted with their immaturity as if, again, they’re dealing with adults. And expressing their scorn and disappointment as if some of that behavior isn’t par for the course. There’s a cruelty in either extreme; there’s a lack of common sense; there’s a rampant sentimentalism. And it makes me almost sick to my stomach sometimes.

[repulsiveliquidation]

Puppy Eyes || Alessia Russo

a/n : it's not perfect but it's something! this was inspired by conversations i've had with @unadulteratedcolorkid!

warnings : smut. slight subspace. fingering. cunnilingus. strap-ons. aftercare.

“Is there something you want, darling?” you ask Alessia, watching as she kneels by your bedside. She’s got her deep red lingerie on, hair neatly tucked behind her ears. She cautiously looks up at you and puts on her best puppy eyes, eager to try and convince you to do her bidding. You had great willpower and she knew all the buttons to press to get you in the palm of her hand. 

Thing is, poor little Less didn’t need to know you played right into her hands to give her exactly what she wanted and to please her till she was a right mess. 

Messy Less was a very satisfied customer and it got her begging for more by the end of it which was exactly what you wanted. Two could play this game and you were winning. 

Less shifted onto her knees a little higher and smiled, leaning her head into your palm that was stroking her cheek.  She nuzzles into your warm hand and uses her most polite voice. 

“Want you to fuck me really good, baby.” 

“Is that so? What makes you so demanding today, my darling?” You tease, walking around her slowly. She keeps her head faced forward as you take in her stature. She whines a little as she fidgets, huffing in frustration. 

“Saw you with Grace today. Didn’t like it.” She grumbles, crossing her arms over her chest. You chuckle and remember your interactions with Grace at England training today while you were waiting for Alessia to finish with her drills. 

Grace had come over to the bench you were sitting at and brought on a chat, admittedly slapping your arm and sitting a little too close at times but you had known her for being a touchy person and didn’t really mind it since she was more of a little sister to you. You also knew that Alessia was simply expressing dislike for her closeness for the scene; she quite liked Grace’s koala-like tendencies as did all of the senior lionesses.

Alessia throws a little side eye as you come around in front of her, ducking her head down a little. Despite being in a bratty mood, she knew that her submission at the same time turned you on immensely. 

“Gracie was being polite darling, you know how she is.”

“Nope,” Alessia says with a pop in the p, looking up at you daringly. “She was too close and I didn’t like it. you’re mine.”

she mumbles the last bit and while you catch it, you find your in. You ask her to repeat herself, wanting to hear her say it louder and to your face. 

“What was that, princess?” 

Her eyebrows furrow and a little pout, which you thought was the cutest thing ever, formed on her lips. She looked you dead in the eye and repeated herself, emphasizing on every word. 

“You. Are. Mine,” she says and you lean into her close to her face. The eye contact brings both your heart rates up, and your breath quickens as does hers. 

“Damn right I am sweetheart, I am all yours. Every fucking bit of me. How about I show you what that means for you?”

You tower over her again and you see her eyes glimmer under the moonlight that trickles into the room. She licks her lips and her pupils widen, eyes seemingly unfocused. 

She comes back to you with a soft kiss on her lips, eyes back to being centered on you. 

“Can you get on the bed for me, pretty girl?” 

She scrambles to get on the soft mattress, immediately laying on her back and getting comfortable. The sight of you on top only makes her wetter, feeling that familiar gush between her gorgeously long legs. 

She closes her eyes and does her best to shift her focus onto you from the throbbing between her legs that currently occupied her attention. Your fingers drag themselves down her milky soft skin, tickling her just a little that her hair stands. The goosebumps heightens her senses, eyes rolling into her head as the task of focus becomes all too much. 

“Fuck, y-yellow…” 

Your touches stop right when she ends her sentence, eyes filling with concern. 

“What’s wrong darling?” 

“Can’t focus, wanna jus… let you think for me, please?” 

Her words slur into one another and you realize what’s happening. You lean in and kiss her softly, cupping her cheek.

”I’ve got you sweet pea, I’ll take care of you.” 

Your hands caress her sides and you take over, pinning her arms over her head as your lips kiss and mark her huffing chest. Little red marks litter her clear skin, complimenting the red of her lingerie. 

“Knees open for me darling, wanna see that pretty pink pussy of yours hm?” 

Alessia’s knees knock together as you gently pry them open for her. She giggles and takes a deep breath, hands holding yours above her head. Your other hand slips into her pussy with practiced ease and you’re sure she’s wetter than she’s ever been before. You drag your fingers along her walls and feel the throb of her arousal wrinkle your fingertips. 

Her hips buck and she whines softly, pleasure rushing through her body. Alessia’s eyes fill with tears and you look deep into them as your long fingers find her sweet spot. You pay extra attention to it and watch her expressions change into pure ecstasy. 

“Puh-please! Close!” she begs, writhing as the sheets ruffle under her. Your fingers begin to cramp but you don’t let up, speeding your arm up before you pull away roughly. 

“No!”

“Didn’t think I’d let you come so easy did you, sweet thing?” You tease, lips pressed against her ear as your arms had roughly turned her onto her stomach. Her ass pushes itself almost sentiently up and out, the sight of her glistening folds only makes your mouth water. 

Knelt behind her with eager hands, you spread her open and eat her out enthusiastically, catching her off-guard. With her head fuzzy and her thighs trembling, she could barely put two words together. Thing is, she had no idea how to tell you that she was ready to give up football to stay this way forever. Maybe she could get it piped on a cake. 

Your tongue slips into her pussy and you slurp her abundant arousal eagerly. Her taste floods your senses and you moan into her. Alessia reaches back and grabs a handful of your hair as she gently grinds back into you, moaning your name into her mattress. Your fingers are shaking and your knuckles white from how wide you held her open. Your tongue flicks out and over her clit, feeling her legs shake even more. 

You decide not to be too harsh on her and push two fingers into her dripping pussy. Less whines and pushes herself back onto your fingers, whimpering your name the closer she gets. 

She sees white the moment her orgasm hits her and she’s never felt pleasure this strong before. She writhes and pants, your fingers helping her ride her high out for as long as it was pleasurable. 

Alessia can’t remember when you put her favorite dildo into the harness but soon it filled her pussy and her mind was pulled back to reality. Her mouth was unable to verbalize her desires but her pussy knew the words at the back of its hand. 

The wet squelch and the tight grip it had on your strap on turned you on so much you were sure if you kept up with fucking her the way you were, you could come with her too. 

“You feel…so-so good…!” Alessia compliments, holding her toned leg up as you fucked her on her side. You straddled her other leg and pounded into her cunt rough and hard. 

“You’re so fuckin’ tight angel, love watching how well you take my cock,” you growl, leaning over her and thrusting deeper. Her eyes roll into her head and you feel her tighten more around the toy, the resistance spurring you on. 

You get off her leg and press both of them wide open, slipping back inside so seamlessly, you’re back inside Alessia before she can begin to complain. You’re able to be deeper inside her this way and she enjoyed feeling full. You pressed her clean in half and she was practically drooling, shuddering hard when your thumb flicked over her clit. 

She came with a loud scream of your name, you were sure half of England heard you. She passes out just as you pull out, feeling exhausted from being in light subspace and the strength of her orgasms. 

You’ve changed the sheets and cleaned her up when she stirs. She grins cheekily when she notices that you’ve dressed her in your sweats and hoodie. She takes in the scent of your soap and perfume, feeling her heart fill with love and her mind turn to mush again. 

You walk into the room with steaming cups of tea, the scent of earl gray blends perfectly with the scent of you, she’s sure she’s falling in love all over again. 

“I love you,” she tells you as you sit beside her in bed, feeding her a piece of your double chocolate chunk cookie. 

“I love you too, doll.” 

You forget to bring the milk and sugar to the room and hop out of bed to get them when Alessia pipes up and leaves you feeling more fond of her than you were when the day started. 

“Two more of those cookies when you get back please?” 

“Just two?” 

“You know me so well. Bring the whole pack, why don’t ya.” 

[animeyanderelover]

Can I ask  NSFW headcanon for Muzan? Thank You 😊

What would the reaction be like if Yoriichi, Muzan, Carla and Reiji with a s/o who had an extremely complicated pregnancy, they almost lost their s/o and the baby, pls pls 🤧

I am no doctor so I would appreciate any corrections of errors I might have made. This might also be somewhat more extreme but I went with what I found on the internet.

Tw: Yandere themes, possessive behavior, obsession, toxic relationship, abduction, manipulation, gaslighting, clinginess, controlling behavior, pregnancy, forced pregnancy, labor, high-risk pregnancy, premature labor, birth, cannibalism, illness, cardiac arrest, C-section

Tags: @leveyani @kanaosprotector

Extremely complicated pregnancy

Reiji Sakamaki

☕️A life with Reiji is thoroughly scheduled as he always needs to have control over every little thing in your life. The already tight leash you had on you only becomes tighter the moment you manage to get pregnant with his child. He oversees everything strictly in your life from that day on from the food you consume to the drinks you choose. He’s very adamant that you stay healthy and deliver him a healthy child. A child that he has been planning to have with you for a longer time now. He has read every available source, he has created a diet schedule for you and he feels validated in his speculation and research when you actually find yourself craving occasionally blood which he immediately provides you with since you carry a vampire baby. You normally refuse the consumption of blood from humans because you’re still human yourself which leads always to him forcing it past your lips and down your throat. Consider the health of your baby before being such an unreasonable and neglectful mother-to-be. His own mother always ignored him so Reiji is extremely dedicated to ensure that you are a good mother to his own child.

☕️The first few months of the pregnancy go rather well. Besides the common morning sickness, some headaches and mood swings the baby develops healthily inside your womb. Reiji monitors everything extremely closely and you have him checking on your condition and the condition of the little one almost daily. Whenever you lash out on him due to his restricting schedules, he always quickly puts you back in your place by sharply scolding you for your immature behavior. He's designing the nursery room for the baby, accompanies you whenever he deems that it's time for you to take a walk outside and get some fresh air. The baby starts visibly moving around and kicking your insides when you are 19 weeks along and from that day on Reiji even starts observing the movements of the baby because any lack of it or very frequent movements can also indicate whether the baby is feeling fine or not. He has even already chosen a handful of names although he decides to wait until the baby is born and he can see them for the first time.

☕​It's within your fifth month that you start experiencing complications. There is an increase in your headache, you suffer from shortness of breath, your vision is blurry or you see dark spots dancing in front of your eyes and you also experience abdominal pain. You would like to think that this is normal but you can't deny that some of those symptoms scare you and the way Reiji's eyes narrow when you are forced to tell him about it only adds to your growing anxiety. When he runs some tests on you and realizes that your blood pressure is elevated, he starts getting worried. This shouldn't happen. He has always hated it when something didn't go according to his plan but your current pregnancy only heightens the stress he is feeling because right now he can't afford that anything goes wrong. The slight panic he initially feels manifests itself into accusations against you as he questions if you have done something that has caused your high blood pressure. His preparations should have been perfect. It is not his fault.

☕​Soon he is too busy closely monitoring your increasingly worsening condition to put the blame on you though as your symptoms have worsened. Your vision randomly blurs or darkens, your headache has led to increased nausea and has made it difficult for you to stomach food, your hands and face have swollen and Reiji has even started suspecting that the blood supply to your placenta doesn't work as it should. The baby doesn't grow and develop as it should due to the lack of blood supply and with each passing week he starts worrying more and more about it. He tries everything he can think of to cease your dizziness and your nausea, the abdominal pain and the lacking blood supply to your placenta but nothing seems to really work. There is no medicine or cure to your symptoms and when Reiji realizes that he can't do anything, the only choice he is left with is trying to prolong the pregnancy long enough to guarantee the survival of his darling and his baby. He starts mentally preparing himself to perform a C-section on you if worst should come to worst.

☕​The worst case scenario happens in your 30th week when premature labor starts together with intense abdominal pain. You are weakened from weeks of dizziness, nausea and stress and the sheer exhaustion from labor proves too much for you as you faint after a few hours. This leaves Reiji with pretty much no choice but a Caesarean section, especially since the fetus is in breech position. Normally he would be pretty confident in his skills but there is too much on the line for him and this stops him from staying as level-headed as he would like. The little girl he pulls out from your womb during the surgery is worringly small even if she is a prematurely born baby. The most difficult step should have been overcome but instead dread fills him when he notices that she isn't breathing. Suddenly he feels like he is carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders as he spends minutes trying to keep the baby alive until his daughter finally manages to breathe independently and starts weakly crying and even then he can't allow himself to relax. Neither you nor the baby are out of health risks after all.

☕​You are quite weakened after the difficult pregnancy and the surgery and it takes you a few weeks until you feel somewhat healthy enough again to walk longer distances without any help and do certain tasks without experiencing any pain. Just because you can theoretically do it though doesn't mean by a long shot that Reiji will let you. He has become overly cautious after the birth. He's extremely skittish whenever he monitors the health of the baby due to her breathing issues upon birth and worried for any lasting damage she might have suffered due to her restricted development in your womb. You find yourself spending the first few weeks after the surgery mostly spending time with your daughter whilst Reiji is doing everything else. He monitors the health of his darling and their daughter, he cooks for his s/o and he assists whenever and however he can. He feels stressed out even after the condition of you and the baby stabilize because in his mind he can't stop agonizing over the fact that he could do little to nothing to help you in any way.

Carla Tsukinami

🔮​If you wind up being Carla's darling and can biologically bear children, prepare yourself for giving him a child. Carla expects his darling to give him a healthy and strong heir and there will be no room for discussion. You will bear him his child and you will be a good and attentive mother to his baby. All of this happens only after Carla has already broken your mind down enough for you to be completely putty in his hold. Pregnancy is the final step, the final claim he can lay on you to mark you for all eternity as his and at that point you will happily accept his wish of wanting a baby with you. You love him after all and you're sure that you'll love a child with the same golden eyes as his just as much. It is extremely pleasing to see your quick embrace of the idea and he wastes very little time after he has told you about his plans to see it through that you are pregnant as soon as possible. It doesn't take long for him until he senses the new life deep within your womb. He couldn't be more pleased in that moment.

🔮​Similar to Reiji, Carla will be very controlling as soon as he has confirmed that you are expecting his heir. You are always kept within his vicinity and you aren't allowed to go anywhere without informing him. He wouldn't want anything to happen to you, especially with his brother around. That rarely happens though as you are pretty obedient and listen to him which means that you allow him to lead you outside and go for a walk. You feel pretty sick quite often and spend a lot of time on the toilet whenever nausea grabs a hold of you. Shin has made fun of you once when he saw you hanging over the toilet which struck the wrong cord in you in that moment and actually led you to shed tears of shame. You only know that Carla wasn't too pleased when you started crying because of Shin and told you that he'd talk with his brother. Ever since Shin has been trying his best to not say anything within your presence although he looks like he has a lot of snarky stuff he could say. You spend a large amount of time only with Carla though, basking in his affection and joy due to your pregnancy.

🔮​As soon as your bump really starts showing is when other symptoms start to appear. Your hunger increases significantly as soon as the baby bump shows and this makes it difficult for you since Carla has put you on a diet to keep you and the baby healthy. You have troubles keeping your temper under control when he initially always denies you your cravings but you try your best to stay quiet. Until the intense craving for blood starts one day and you start feeling sluggish and weak. That is when Carla starts paying more attention to your cravings. You’re only human, you would under normal conditions never want to consume blood. Is it the baby that makes you crave blood? He has obviously speculated how a pregnancy with a vampire baby would go for your mortal body but speculations don’t necessarily have to line up with the reality. He decides to give in to your new cravings this time as he notices how your energy gets drained. The blood seems to replenish your energy for a while.

🔮The bigger the baby swells though, the more it seems to drain your energy. You grow more tired and exhausted with each month that passes by no matter how much blood Carla lets you consume or how much you eat. Very little of the food you digest is actually used for your own energy as the baby seems to take all the nutrients it needs and leaves very little for you. You lose weight and feel dizzy and exhausted whilst the baby is thriving. Soon it starts getting so bad that you can’t even walk properly on your own anymore without the danger of collapsing. Carla has to assist you even when you go to the toilet and despite your weak protest and tears of shame, he doesn’t allow you anything anymore without his help. The baby sucks everything out of you, he can see your clear struggle everyday as your energy drops and your pain increases due to the heavy weight of the baby inside of you and its strong kicks that feel like it’ll burst out of you any moment. The closer you get to your due date, the weaker and thinner you become. This isn’t good.

🔮Miraculously you make it to your due date until your water breaks but it comes with a heavy price. You’re exhausted, you’re tired and you barely have any energy left to even push properly. All of this is made even worse by the fact that the baby has grown a lot whilst it was protected inside of you. They are big which makes the entire process even more arduous as your body tries its hardest to squeeze the infant out of your body and down your birth channel. When the shoulders of the baby get stuck though and prevent you from giving birth to the baby, everything takes quickly a turn for the worse. Nothing seems to help. That’s when Carla takes action, fully aware that being stuck could end up harming the baby. You can vaguely recall the burning feeling when he abruptly reaches his hand out into your vagina in an attempt to turn the baby around. It’s a painful and uncomfortable feeling that is the final push you need before you finally succumb to unconsciousness which leaves Carla alone to guide the baby out of your body.

🔮You suffer from a fourth-degree tear and malnutrition for weeks after birth which leaves you completely bedridden under Carla’s guidance. His son on the other hand suffered from fractures to his upper arm bone. All of this is rather upsetting and frustrating to Carla who didn’t expect a shoulder dystocia to occur during the birth of his own heir. He spends nearly all of his time in his chambers where he nurses you and the baby back to health. Shin rarely runs into his older brother for that reason. Every time he does spot Carla, he’s always tempted to ask him mockingly how you and his nephew are doing, considering that you went through all of this hell only because of Carla’s wish for an heir. The piercing glare Carla gives him whenever he opens his mouth to ask that question keeps him from doing so though. The younger Tsukinami brother isn’t allowed to visit you and the little boy either, especially not when neither of you has fully recovered. Until that day comes, no one will see you two.

Kibutsuji Muzan

🩸​There have never been any records of demons and humans procreating. If there would have been, Muzan as the King of Demons would have known about it. Technically speaking he has no real need nor any interest in any children of his own. He doesn't need any heir for he is immortal and doesn't plan to ever give up his position to anyone else for he plans to become the perfect existence. Perhaps there is a spark of curiosity though as soon as he has you in his life as it is a thought that often crosses his mind when he dumps his cum inside of you. He has a fondness for science after all but none of it has ever led him to actively try for a baby with you. Then one day he senses the little heartbeat inside of you, senses the new life that has been spawned in your womb. Whilst he isn't actively thrilled about the pregnancy and might even consider an abortion, ultimately it is his scientific interest that manages to stop him from removing the thing from you. A part of him hopes that this child will be able to develop an immunity against the sun due to being only a half demon.

🩸​Since Muzan has always gotten his way with you, you are left with little to no choice but accept his decision to keep the child for now. Your feelings about the little baby currently developing inside of you are confusing as you despise him for forcing you to keep it. Yet you bow down in fear whenever you are faced with his displeasure when he sees you expressing those feelings and thoughts in front of him. This little life inside of you has been directly created by him and perhaps this plays a large fact in why he won't tolerate you thinking about it in such a way. Because the baby will have more from him than any of the demons he has created throughout his entire life. Muzan views himself in the highest light, as a near god, so something that will have his genetics must be strong too. You don't seem to realize that your unwillingness to embrace the thought of having his child will only make him more determined to keep it since he won't allow you to reject something that has been directly created by him.

🩸​Too prideful to show any lingering questions he has in regards of the unique biology his baby will have due to being created by a demon and a human, Muzan just monitors your pregnancy very closely. Partially because of his fascination to finally know that such a pregnancy will be like and partially because he doesn't know what might happen. It is this selfish mindset that soon leads you down a path of misery. Your body is unable to handle the creature inside your womb that seems to suck out all the energy and proteins meant for you whenever you force something down your throat despite your growing nausea. The growth spurt the baby has is abnormal for the first few months but all of this comes with the cost of your own decline of health. Everything is painful and everything is tiring and the little baby is incredibly strong starting from their first kicks. At this rate it is already far too late for Muzan to do anything. Through your pain and your exhaustion you sometimes bitterly blame him for what he puts you through but you never get any apology from him and you know exactly why. He would never admit it after all.

🩸​Then everything suddenly stops though. The growth of your bump and the kicks and hits of the baby inside. There is suddenly no movement anymore at all and despite your not so positive feelings, you slowly start to worry about it. Your own condition isn't improving too greatly though as your food either gets thrown up by you or still seems to be received by the fetus instead. Muzan has already noticed it too. He can still sense the heartbeat within but to his own growing dread it seems to get weaker by the days. His mind is racing as to why and the steadily weakening condition of you and the baby only seem to be a reminder that the time he has to find a solution is limited. Eventually he starts considering that the baby you bear is technically still a demon too. He starts considering that the baby might have reached a phase within their development where the current food you consume isn't sufficient enough anymore. Maybe they need some human flesh. Even though you refuse when he first brings up his theory, Muzan doesn't care as he shoves it from that day on down your throat and to his satisfaction his idea was right.

🩸​Yet he can't enjoy the fact that his theory was right for too long. Your body, unable to handle the large amount of energy and nutrition the baby steals from it, goes into premature and sudden labor in the seventh month. Neither of you two two are prepared for it and even the baby seems to be unhappy about your body giving up on them as they start making a ruckus inside your womb, only adding to the pain you are already feeling. Muzan is unable to calm the irritated baby down. Everything happens too fast for him to even prepare anything. Your body is in a rush to expel the baby from inside you and their frequent and wild movement only cause them to slide down your birth channel faster. The frequent activity of your baby soon comes to a hold though. Their umbilical cord got flattened and Muzan is met with deafening silence when the bloody infant lays in his arms. It is this silence that makes him suddenly lose his composure as the motionless child reminds him vividly of his own birth. Not his own child too. He spends minutes frantically reanimating the infant before she finally lets out her first weak cries.

🩸If your own condition should have worsened any more, Muzan probably would have turned you into a demon. Somehow your fragile body pulled through though and in a way he’s relieved about that. Because for now it would be more beneficial to let you stay human and care for the little girl you gave birth to. With her black hair and her red and bleary eyes she looks a lot like Muzan and perhaps it’s her visible similarity to him that fills his heart with pride. She recovers quicker than you from her troublesome birth, probably because she is half demon. Her appetite is as insatiable as it was during her time in your womb though and to your slight horror she still has her preferences to the taste of human blood and flesh together with your breastmilk. Muzan gives her what you don’t want to give her as he has realized that she probably needs the different nutrients to develop properly just like she needed whilst being in your belly. Now that the baby is born, he forbids you from expressing any hesitation and confusion when you’re taking care of her. This girl is his own flesh and blood and he won’t tolerate you not loving her who is so much like him.

Tsugikuni Yoriichi

☀️Pregnancy should be a joyful occasion for parents yet despite the expected happiness and joy Yoriichi feels when it becomes known that you are expecting his child, there is also a gnawing fear that haunts him. He can't help but recall the heart-wrenching fate that befell Uta and the unborn baby. Even if he has you now in his life, this is a memory he is unable to forget as he often still blames himself for their deaths through the hand of a demon. The slow growth of your bump triggers those haunting memories and sometimes he dreams of the same scene he saw when he returned home to Uta, only that it is now your body torn apart with the precious child murdered before it even had the chance to live. Yoriichi becomes very protective and paranoid over you as he doesn't think that he could bear a repeat of what has already once happened to him. There is always this underlying fear and paranoia that make him much more aware of his surroundings even as he rejoices when he witnesses the first kicks of his baby. His katana is always kept close, especially when night comes where he finds himself often lying awake.

☀️​As winter is already awaiting, Yoriichi makes an effort to keep you warm and protected and your home as cozy as possible. He never leaves you as soon as the sun goes down as he now knows better. All tasks are usually finished within the day so that he can stay by your side and protect you as soon as it gets dark. Despite his efforts to always keep you warm and healthy though, you seem to catch a cold. It is nothing to be worried over though. You have a light headache, your throat hurts whenever you swallow and you cough. You are not really worried though and even assure Yoriichi that it'll pass by soon. Despite feeling already a bit more fatigued due to your pregnancy and now your illness, you still feel fine. You decide to stay inside nevertheless as he fetches you a doctor to monitor your condition. After all you know of his loss of his first pregnant wife so you try to make him feel better and calmer by letting a doctor tell him that you are fine and that you will be fit in a few days again. When Yoriichi returns with the doctor, you feel slightly febrile.

☀️​What should have been only a mild cold soon turns into a serious condition though. Maybe it is because you are pregnant and are just more prone to bacteria yet such explanations do nothing to help Yoriichi's terrified heart. Despite your weak protests to leave the room so he doesn't catch what you have, he stays faithfully with you as your fever soon feels like it is burning your skin and sweat coats your skin. Every swallow is a small challenge as it brings you uncomfortable pain and you are often thrown into coughing fits, your throat coated with phlegm and constantly itching in a dry way. With your worse condition, Yoriichi has asked the doctor to come by every day. He does whatever he can do to help you. He cooks for you and feeds you even if you should have no hunger or simply feel too tired and he heads the advices of the doctor when giving you the medicine that should help your condition. His chest is tight with fear and worry as he feels anxious whenever he sees your bump and wonders how your sick body may also negatively impact the baby.

☀️​Perhaps it is just his fate to watch helplessly as he loses everyone he loves in his life. First his brother, then Uta and his unborn child and now you and the baby you are carrying. Yoriichi can only watch helplessly how you grow weaker and weaker as the days pass by. Your lips are chappy and dry and your skin coated in ill sweat as your whole body is uncomfortably hot due to your fever. Yet even in this condition you try to soothe Yoriichi in his silent despair and promise him that it'll soon get better even as he has to support your weak body when you want to walk around. Your sick appearance always tears his heart apart, his sorrow growing by the day yet he tries to stay strong for you. But this thin threat snaps when your contractions start at only 30 weeks. His whole body is shaking and silent tears cascade down his face as a the doctor and a midwife he brought with him try their best to help you to deliver the baby. He feels small, insignificant and terrifyingly helpless as he stays by your side and with every scream and cry you let out he thinks he is more desrving of death for not being able to save anyone in his life.

☀️​Even after you have made it through birth and have delivered a little boy does his torment continue. Your health plummets down after labor as your body is left severely weakened after the physical exertion that leaves you in a nearly unconscious state as you are too exhausted and sick to even leave. Your sickness soon spreads out to his newborn son and even if his heart is already tattered and torn enough, Yoriichi only continues to suffer. Wherever he goes, he is only reminded of his cursed fate. He spends his time either catering to your needs, his heart screaming whenever you ask in your weak condition for your son or he silently watches over the baby whose little body is desperately battling against the deadly cold. He is too terrified to fall asleep anymore at night, too afraid to wake up one morning to your cold body or to the motionless body of his baby. Instead he lays awake at night, his heart beating anxiously as he listens to your troubled breaths and the breaths of the little baby. Sometimes it becomes too much for him and he is left muffling his sobs with his hand at night.

☀️​Many days pass before you finally start feeling better. You're still feeling slightly feverish but you are able to move by yourself anymore. Yoriichi, who is feeling an overwhelming urge to hug you, kiss you and show you how grateful he is that you are still alive, has to hold himself back as you aren't fully cured yet and still need recovery. You're finally able to interact with your son and the sight of you holding the child that both of you created is a small remedy for his bruised and broken heart, even if the baby is also still sick. He slowly starts recovering though together with you as he receives all the love and care he could possibly get from you, Yoriichi and the doctor. It still takes weeks until his son as well as you are fully recovered and well again and for the first time in a while he feels like he can see the light again. Despite his own exhaustion and tiredness from all his fear he is especially attentive and loving with you and his little son. He just wants the both of you to know how much it really means to him that both of you are still alive and with him.

[jewelz11]

Period Cramps

a/n: hi!!! this is my first ever little writing so i thought a drabble would be good to get me started. figured this would be a good topic since i am currently suffering in bed. anyway! i hope you enjoy this and please give me any suggestions to write about or any critics on this! love you!

no warnings! all fluff

logan x reader (i imagined x1/x2 logan but you can imagine any) ⇩

Your periods are your worst nightmare. Every month for one week you experience the worst pain anything can ever bring you; even with your mutation, the pain is rough. When you started dating Logan, he never knew the right way to comfort you. This man would get you chocolate, your favorite food, run a bath, and try a cuddle with you; yet the pain would still be there, and he felt hopeless. Logan has heightened senses, so he knows your entire cycle, from your mood swings in your follicular phase to the nonstop horniness in your ovulation stage to the dreading menstruation phase. 

He loves you with all his heart, but sometimes it can get a little overwhelming for him because he hates to see you in pain, especially the type of pain he doesn’t know how to cure. 

“Princess?” Logan says quietly, walking into your dark shared room. You hum in response as you are curled up in your bed. “Can I get you anything?” He walks over to the side of the bed and rubs your back.

“No,” you briefly state. He sighs softly and moves to get up from the bed. “Stay,” you say, lower than a whisper. A slow smile creeps up on his face before looking at you, your back still facing him.

He kicks off his shoes then joins you in bed, wrapping you in his arms and holding you all night, wishing he could give you his strong healing powers so you can be back on your feet.

“I love you, sweetheart,” he whispers into your neck, thinking you were asleep.

[borderlinereminders]

Radical Acceptance is basically about accepting our feelings, without pushing them down, even the negative ones.

It means accepting reality and feelings for what they are, though it doesn't mean you don't want to change them.

Here's an example (This is a "small" situation because I think this is best started with a more manageable circumstance first.):

Step 1 - Think of a situation that you have feelings about. (Note that I don't recommend trying this with traumatic events to start which is why I've used the example below.)

Example: Yesterday I embarrassed myself in front of the cashier at the store when she said "Here's your receipt" and I said "thanks, you too!" This has heightened my anxiety about future situations where I need to talk to a stranger.

Step 2 - What caused the event? Stick to facts and don't make judgements about something you've done.

Example: I was distracted by feeling overwhelmed and misunderstood what she was saying.

Step 3 - Accepting the feelings. What emotions do you feel when you think back on this event? Try and be open about this and note any physical changes you might feel like your heart beat increasing.

Example: I feel embarrassed when I think back on it and it makes my hands a little sweaty.

Step 4 - The plan. This is where you come up with a plan on how to handle the situation and/or its effects. If you are not significantly affected by the situation, the acceptance steps may be enough. The DBT skill "Wise Mind" might be a good skill to use when coming up with a plan

Example: I can use rational thoughts to help me navigate this. Realistically, she probably talks to dozens of people a day. She also unfortunately probably deals with a lot of rude people that are more likely to stay on her mind rather than my little mix up with words. If anything, maybe it was refreshing for her because I was polite and chipper with her and maybe she felt the positive effects of that mood I was trying to convey.

Here are some coping thoughts that may help:

I do not have control of the past, only this current moment.

Ignoring my emotions only allows them to fester and continue to bother me.

This is uncomfortable, but I am going to get through this.

[creepsterdreams]

"Lullaby" Kuras x pregnant!gn!MC mini series

Link to part 2!

Part 3

Summary: After coming to Eridia to hopefully find a way to rid of your curse and hide your pregnancy, you meet a very sassy doctor who’s set on protecting you and your unborn child

Content warnings:  Leander being protective, mentions of vomiting, MC having weird ass cravings, a smidge of violence , MC being kinda horny for Kuras

Word count: 2.2k

MC is almost two months into pregnancy here, so the baby bump is now impossible to hide 

Author’s note: Here MC already met Ais, Vere, and Mhin, I apologize but I didn’t feel like writing separate introductions T^T also this chapter is kinda uneventful 

After getting settled at the Wet Wick and wondering about Eridia for some time, you were able to meet some other colorful faces, courtesy of Leander having everyone sit at the bar and drink what you can only guess is one of his concoctions. 

You had Vere who was honestly terrifying to interact with, everytime you looked at him it was hard to tell if his stare was of curiosity or hunger. 

Then there was Ais who’s Vere’s friend with benefits, he was nice to say, but with his kindness also came his sass and snark, which was not good on your rising mood swings. 

And finally there was Mhin, a close “friend” of Kuras who often took jobs from Leander hunting Soulless. Out of everyone they seemed like the one who didn’t want to be there the most, but a part of you was assuming they were only tolerant to you because Kuras is. 

But although they did all seem somewhat okay, your biggest concern was would they be safe with your secret. Upon meeting them, it took almost begging to convince Leander not to say anything, not wanting to draw too much attention to yourself. But then again, you had a feeling in the back of your mind that they already knew, whether it was due to the excessive bagginess of your clothes or really good guessing. 

Vere knew almost immediately, allowing you to believe that you somehow escaped his heightened senses only to smirk and utter “Goodnight, both of you.” Upon his exit. 

You truly cannot hide anything from him. 

But other than that entire charade, you were…okay. 

Rarely have you ever experienced genuine peace in your life. Always running around completing heists or planning the next one. This was a foreign feeling to you and it felt odd to say the least. 

Which leads you to your current position, sitting on the table in Kuras’s clinic as he rests his hands on your bare stomach, assumingly checking on your fetus. 

At first you were admittedly a bit awkward to strip your shirt off in front of him, even if he had already seen you naked before, but now that you were actually awake to witness it, the embarrassment of the situation had finally set in. 

After a while, Kuras removed his hands from your stomach, his eyes opening before he walked towards another table and grabbed a clipboard to write some things down. For the majority of the check up his eyes were closed, and his hands projected an odd warmth onto you, and although you didn’t know exactly what he was doing, you assumed this was just a strange method of sensing for the baby. 

But Kuras suddenly speaking up quickly pulled you out of your thoughts. “Everything appears to be fine, I haven’t found anything that’s worth worrying for.” His back is still turned to you as he carries on. “Although I can recommend that you do try and rest more, I know you are aware that putting stress on the body is dangerous for both of you.”

You shrug your shoulders and lean back more as you softly rest a bandaged hand on your middle. “I can’t make any promises, I am trying to get rid of this…thing” Your voice unconsciously trails off at the end, looking down at the floor below you as you listen to his humming, taking in your response. 

“Then you will simply have to find a way to balance the two.” He finishes writing and sets down the clipboard before stepping forward once more, grabbing something before turning back to you and coming towards the table. And once you were able to see his front again, what you realized he was holding came to your surprise. 

“A stuffed bear? What’s that for?” You ask with genuine curiosity. He reacts by softly chuckling and taking your hand, placing the stuffed animal in your grasp before stepping back. 

“Mhin brought it here. Said that at least with it the child could have some joy despite the circumstances.” 

You automatically raised an eyebrow, questions floating throughout your mind, all wondering almost the same thing. Mainly why did Mhin of all people give it to you, from what little information you have on them, it seemed like they hated people all together. Also, where did they get it from? This bear is oddly nice looking considering you’ve always seen Mhin in the alleyways of Lowtown or at the Wet Wick. 

But the biggest question should be, how did they even figure out you were pregnant?

“Are you sure it was Mhin and not some shapeshifter?” You said while glancing between him and the bear, voice dripping with sarcasm. 

Kuras chuckles at your words, covering his mouth to hide a light smile. “Well if it was I doubt that a shapeshifter would be kind enough to bring you a stuffed animal.” 

Well he is right about that. 

You take a long look at the bear again, before slowly reaching your hand up and grabbing it, taking a moment to softly rub its fur, smiling at the feeling. You then put the bear in your bag, deciding to keep it with you until you return to the wet wick. After closing it back up, you turn back to Kuras. 

“So, how did Mhin know I’m….you know.” 

Kuras reacts with a slightly raised brow. “They are quite skilled at reading others' body language. They must’ve noticed you constantly trying to hide your stomach.”

You were honestly starting to reconsider your stealth skills if already four people were able to find out your “little” secret without ever telling them. 

After Kuras was done talking, you sighed and leaned back again, mind drifting off to wondering what you can eat once leaving the clinic. Everything honestly sounded really good. Maybe you can convince Leander that pickles and chocolate dip are amazing together so he’ll bring you some. 

“MC?” Kuras’s concerned tone suddenly rang through your ears, bringing you back down to earth. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, I was just thinking about some stuff.” You say awkwardly as you gather your things. “I’m gonna head back now, I’m sure you have thousands of other patients to take care of.” 

Kuras sends you a gentle smile, reaching to place his hand on your shoulder. “You're always welcome here, you're my most interesting patient for a reason.”  

This makes you smile as well, taking in the attention he’s giving you. And for a moment, you can feel yourself wanting more of it, and you wouldn’t mind receiving a different kind of attention if he was the one giving it. 

But before your mind can drift off, you quickly shake your head, deciding to focus your mind on leaving instead, making your way to the busy road and blending in with the never-ending crowd.

Gods, I just met the man I can’t already be thinking about him that way!

You clutch the ends of your shirt tightly, guilt beginning to set in wondering what Kuras would think of you lusting after him despite only knowing each other for a few weeks. 

Eventually you catch sight of the Wet Wick, watching as patrons walk in and out of the stone building, some obviously drunk out of their minds. Walking closer, you suddenly hear the sound of what seemed to be fighting from the alleyway. 

Upon reaching it, you're met with what appeared to be Ais fighting some tough looking guys that were at the bar. You watch as Ais lands a punch against once, blood spilling from his knows as he passes out automatically. But just as Ais whips around to handle the other three, they all scramble away, obviously underestimating his brute strength. This result only made him groan and roll back his neck, irritated that they weren’t willing to put up a fight. 

But your staring must’ve caught his attention, because by the time you're no longer zoned out, he’s right in front of you, grinning at your dazed expression. 

“See something you like sparrow?” 

You stumble a bit for a moment, jumping at the rasp in his voice that’s probably from fighting. “What are you doing out here? Did you start something there again?”

His grin widens even more, giving you the answer right away. “So what if I did?” 

You only roll your eyes in response, not wanting to give into his antics today. But before you could walk away, he suddenly leaned down towards your stomach, becoming eye level with it. “How’s that bun in the oven?”

Your eyes go big, quickly covering your stomach and turning away from him. “How did…how did you find out?!”

Ais puts his hands up, backing away from you, showing that he is innocent in the situation. “I mean…did you seriously expect to hide that from me for too long? You think too little of me sparrow.”

Hearing that, you put your guard down, acknowledging that he was right. The farther you got as the trimesters went on, the more obvious the symptoms became. Your growing stomach being the biggest one. You uncover your middle, instead choosing to rest them directly underneath it. 

“They're fine, nothing to worry about. Kuras is just on me about taking it easy.”

This gives Ais the chance to come close again, leaning down once more. He pokes a finger at your stomach, wagging it tauntingly. “You be good for [preferred parent’s name] in there. Can’t have them any more grouchy than they already are.”

This causes you to gasp dramatically, punching Ais softly on the shoulder which makes him snicker at your actions. He stands up back to his full height, crossing his arms as he playfully stares you down, but before you could come up with a bold response, Leander suddenly bust through the door, surprising the both of you. His eyes switch between you and Ais, obviously wondering what you two were doing out here together.

Alone at that.

But then his expression returns back to his normal, welcoming smile. “Heyy MC, I was wondering when you would come back, I got the barkeep to save you some leftovers if you're hungry.”

Your eyes automatically begin to sparkle upon hearing the word “leftovers”. Leftovers means food, leftovers means you don’t have to worry about finding something to eat yourself. 

You quickly thank him and rush past him to get to the bar, racing to thank the barkeep and grab whatever you could possibly get your hands on. Leander laughs at your antics before turning back to Ais, his smile not dropping, but wavering a bit. 

Ais only gives him the middle finger, his grin only turning mischievous, which makes Leander scowl before all but slamming the door on him. 

After returning to the bar, Leander is greeted with you eating some meat and vegetables with haste, with a pint of water on the side to the plate, and a smaller plate with a pastry on the other side, obviously for dessert. The sight alone is enough for Leander to smile again, shaking his head. 

“Cute” He thinks to himself.

He walks over, sitting down on the stool next to you while taking a chance to glance over the crowd scattered across the area. “Sooo…what were you doing with Ais?”

You pause eating, a hot piece of meat resting on the fork you were holding now inches away from your mouth. You put it down before picking up your water and taking some heavy sips and wiping your mouth. “I saw him fighting some guys out back, I thought he was screwed since he was outnumbered but the other ones ran away. Then we ended up just..talking a bit.”

Leander hums in acknowledgement, taking in your words as you go back to scarfing down your food. Once he comes back from his thoughts he then puts a hand on your arm. “Hey hey slow down, I don't want you getting sick later and vomiting all over the floor again.” 

Hearing that, you pause again before resuming eating, this time, going at a slower pace. Leander smiles once more, knowing that you listened to him, but after signaling to the barkeep that he wanted a drink, he returned back to you.

“Listen, be careful around him. I know he doesn’t seem dangerous, but the last thing I want is for you to become one of his…pets, alright? Just don’t go too close to the seaspring.”

You back at him with a conflicted expression, and after swallowing what was left of your food you spoke up. “I can handle myself. I’ll be okay Leander.”

He nods in response, keeping his hand resting on your arm before sliding it up to your shoulder. “I just want to make sure you're okay. That you both are okay in fact. Just trust me, okay?” He finally removes his hand from you after this, turning around fully and leaning back against the bars counters while sipping on his drink. 

You stare at him for a few more seconds, processing what he had said. Ais wouldn’t possibly do anything to hurt you and the baby, right?

And as you ponder on it for some time while starting to take soft bites from your pastry, your mind eventually begins wondering right back to the doctor you had seen only some time ago. 

I wonder what Kuras is up to?

Author’s note: At first when Ais flipped off Leander I wanted to make him mouth “fuck you” in response but that felt a little out of character at the time so I changed it to just him looking disgusted lol.

Also, I’m so sorry this took so long to post, I was having trouble coming up with what I wanted to do for this so I left it alone for a bit, hope you all enjoy!

[randomfoggytiger]

Mulder's Alien Baby Baby Trauma In-Depth (Part XIV): Worth the Effort

As discussed in the previous post here, Mulder finally, finally took up Scully's invitation to touch her-- the first conscious touch since his abduction.

Symbiotic reciprocity restored (and a bonus baby kick to boot), it's time for the (former) X-Files team to have a necessary conversation.

Well. A necessary conversation in their own coded terms, of course.

THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING "WORTH THE EFFORT"

Although Scully pivots them back to business-- “Where have you been?”-- she can’t keep the soft, satisfied sparkle out of her eyes. 

Mulder is snapped back to the present by her question, quickly glancing at his partner before returning to her belly. Eyes glued to the bump, he slowly removes his hand, smile dropping only after the disconnect is complete.

“I’ve actually been out in the field with Agent Doggett,” he confesses, mood clouding over. “He’s, um....” Mulder looks down, gathering his thoughts. “And this, um, female agent, from New Orleans.”  

“Agent Reyes,” Scully perks up, remembering Monica immediately.

“Yeah.” 

“I like her.”

Mulder is amused: Scully never likes just anyone, anymore-- not after various Coltons and Kryceks and Belvins have matured her good opinion. There is also a touch of surprised judgment in his expression, as well: he raises his eyebrows, chuffs incredulously, and adds, with a smirk, “You’re nothing at all alike.” His way, perhaps, of saying that he only appreciates the way Scully pushes him-- not dissimilar to the mild correction he gave Diana Fowley three years ago, when she tried to assert her usefulness over Scully’s (“I’ve done okay without you.”) 

David Duchovny-- rightly, I believe-- tempered the script’s original vision to one more in line with Mulder's penchant for bristling at interference. Instead of a heightened, sunshiny admiration flowing between Agent Reyes and Mulder, there exists an understanding but unrelenting mismatched stubbornness on both sides-- a dynamic not unlike (though not to the same degree as) Mulder and Melissa Scully’s past association (posts here and here). Reyes, as discussed here, means well-- and Mulder knows this. But he also doesn’t want to be prodded, pushed, or shoved into positions that make him uncomfortable, which her dogged insistence (no matter how right or well-intentioned) is currently doing. 

Scully slowly considers, then gives a quiet, negating hum. "Well, then, neither are you or I." She is drawing a parallel from Mulder's to Monica's beliefs, just as she will draw a parallel from Monica's and Melissa's later (Existence); and purposefully so.

This is an interesting little clue to her psyche, and one that slots in with her struggles leading up to This Is Not Happening. As she tells Doggett in Badlaa, "...in an instant I realized that it's what Mulder would have seen or understood. Because that's just how he came at things... without judgment and without prejudice and with an open mind that I am just not capable of." She feels like Mulder and Melissa (and Reyes, by extension) are true believers, and she is one convinced into belief. Scully believes she believes because she has to, not because she yearns to; and that that yearning quality for the unknown draws and shapes her partner, her sister, and her new friend in ways she doesn't fully understand. It's a differing flavor of belief she had to grow into, and one which she half-doubts whenever Mulder makes seemingly impossible leaps or bounds. At times this brings peace, and at times it causes insecurity-- but that's a part of life, and herself, she's grown to accept.

Mulder, meanwhile, feels that he and Scully are the only solid believers: Melissa and Monica will stir up a ruckus and preach at other unbelievers while he and Scully will only fight for and chase after the truth. His partner's, "Well, then, neither are you or I" shakes him up: he'd considered Team Spooky to be a solitary party of two, and feels threatened-- and a touch frightened-- by Scully's choice to broaden her allegiances. This continues through Vienen and Alone until Mulder himself makes peace with Doggett's presence and starts to rely on him as an asset to the files (which will be discussed in future.) What Mulder doesn't know-- and what Scully doesn't communicate until Alone (mostly off-screen, again)-- is that she, too, resisted opening up the basement for new allies; and that his partner's regard for Doggett and Reyes was hard-won.

But he isn't an idiot: in a second, Mulder reads that Scully isn't distancing herself from him-- far from it: her statement was simply a fond reminder not to judge on appearances-- and turns the page on his temporary paranoia.

Scully squints, fighting off sleep: she doesn't want to nod off until he's told her everything.

"This--so this is a case you’re working on?” Her tone is casual and serious-- a leading question asked without mal-intent. 

“Yeah. Actually, one that involves Agent Doggett’s son." Mulder closely studies her face, trying to ascertain what she knows. “The son who died?”

“Yeah, he’s never talked to me about him; but I know something.” Although her eyes are tilted away from his, Scully’s tone remains open-- this topic isn’t a secret, nor a point of pain for her-- and after a considerate silence, she meets his gaze, pressing, “Are you able to help him at all?”  

Looking to the side and down, her partner shakes his head-- apprehension and discomfort masking itself under exaggerated gestures.

“You can’t help a man who can’t help himself.”

It’s a particularly dark, hands-off perspective that only surfaces during Mulder’s bleakest moments-- another sign of the disconnected, downtrodden, and defeated emotions he’s still working through. 

While she may not know or completely understand everything Mulder is going through, Scully is able to intuit what his answer means; and stares intently back at him, trying to formulate the best attack against this melancholia. In the vein of her past reassurances-- ala Herrenvolk's “Nothing is in contradiction to nature, only in what we know of it. And that’s a place to start"-- Scully insists, “He’s worth the effort, Mulder.” 

Mulder’s expression goes through three important phases: his face softens at her words; his gaze sinks into hers, as if drinking in Scully's assurance; and his mouth ever-so-slightly quirks in a tiny, heartened smile as his eyes begin to glow. 

What does this mean-- why is he cheered instead of envious or jealous?

Scully's conviction, here, reminds Mulder of her steadfast, unbreakable loyalty: she won't give up on anyone who is “worth the effort.” And, having been on the receiving end of this lion-like loyalty for nearly eight years, he is reassured, in this moment, that she deems him “worth the effort”, too. Even when his whole world is falling apart, she still remains his touchstone.

CONCLUSION

Mulder and Scully had a very needed (though characteristically cryptic) chat-- one which will help him get his head in the game.

Thanks for reading~

Enjoy!

[lilislegacy]

Oop-

I hate when tumblr messes shit up, but Hey, it's me again.

Like in my original aks, I want to reiterate that I'm not trying to come for everybody. Everyone is allowed to have their own opinion. This is just my 2 cents on the whole demigods and menstruation thing

My original ask was kind of convoluted, so I'll just sum it up here.

I like the idea of what demigods being different but I don't like the idea of administration just being completely gone.

I am currently reading jealous of the god, and that is something that Percy directly says is how you get the worst of both worlds.

I love the idea of demigods being more powerful and more protective when they are pregnant or whether their partner is. But imagine not knowing you're a demigod and never getting your period, then thinking "oh I can never get pregnant!" and then get pregnant. That sounds terrifying.

I do like the idea of certain demigods from certain gods having a different sort of thing. Kind of like with Athena, I saw one post about annabeth getting a migraine and shit which is hilarious.

I just feel like having no menstrual cycle. It all seems a little too easy. It's very reminiscent of Alexandria's Genesis if you were around on Tumblr about 10 years ago to remember that. (If not then izzzyzzz has an amazing video on YouTube all about this fake disorder and hoax)

In my original ask I pointed out how It would be an interesting point of view especially for trans demigods.

I am a transperson. I have a lot of dysphoria around that sort of thing. I am currently in pain because of it. So I've been thinking about it a lot.

(Also, this is a completely different headcannon, but I definitely headcannon Leo as a trans man)

Thinking more about it would be interesting to see people lose control of their powers because of how in pain they are I know. I get very upset very quickly like imagine how terrible that would be. (Like Thalia accidentally zapping someone or something)

I'm also a sucker for those hurt/comfort fics surrounding periods and such. Idk why I just like comforting fics lol

I do like the idea that the hunters of Artemis once they become a hunter would not get a period because fuck that.

Also among other things, Artemis is the goddess of childbirth and I feel like she can do that for her hunters.

I did add a little bit more from my original ask because I've just been thinking about it more.

Again, not coming for anyone I really love that everyone has their own opinions and fantastic ideas. It just makes me so happy as an artist!

Thank you! (Sorry tumblr deleted the original one lol)

thank you for the ask! and thank you even more for sending it twice lol!!

now, onto my thoughts. i totally see where you’re coming from. because you are right, part of being a demigod is having to deal with the crappy parts of both worlds. and as much as i would love for female-born demigods to not have to deal with periods, i can totally see them still having one.

so maybe it just works differently? maybe their cycles are longer and they only have a few periods a year? or maybe they are just way lighter? idk. but i still feel like they would work differently than regular humans

i definitely see where you’re coming from on the account of trans-demigods having to deal with it. there would definitely be an added emotional struggle with it along with the physical, and there’s a lot to explore there!

i love the idea of the children of different gods having different symptoms. like you mentioned athena’s kids having more headaches and migraines lol. and maybe ares kids get huge angry mood swings, and maybe aphrodite’s kids get really lovesick and cry every 3 seconds over couples doing cute things lol.

100% with you on the hunters not having one. no boyfriends = no sex = no babies = no period needed. they ain’t got time for that! they’ve got hot girl shit to do. like shooting people with arrows.

i also like the thought of demigods’ powers being heightened when they’re on their period lol. that’s hilarious. imagine a child of demeter having cramps and craving chocolate, and a cocao tree just spurts out of the ground LOL.

thank you for being so nice and wonderful towards people having different headcanons! and whether someone thinks demigods menstruate or not, it sounds like we can all agree that it’s at least different for them than it is for humans.

thank you for your thoughts! they were all super interesting!

[catsfor2]

fem!artist!reader x ellie

<warnings> sexual ?tension ?, slight slight angst, swearing, UNEDITED!

i’ve been wanting to write some hcs/drabbles for a bit and am finally doing it!!. this is kinda self indulgent and i thought others might enjoy. i want to do fics, more hcs, and am CURRENTLY DOING REQUESTS/ASKS!!!!! so plssss interact/tell me what u think!!! —j

Ellie found value in her art mainly through its life and realism. Her sketchbook was merely snippets of her mind - the love, the fear, the humor, the darkness.

Aside from books she’s sparsely found, she hasn’t been exposed to much other forms of art.

When you appeared in Jackson, it barely took days for mentions of the new ‘town artist’ to reach her ears. Dina, fawning over a delicate set of earrings, “Ellie she makes them out of plants…or like…the sap? I don’t totally remember what she said but I swear she’s so freaking cool,”

Or when Jesse came strolling in, rambling about this tiny dagger ring he now has, made out of an old spoon.

“Look I didn’t even buy it alright? Dina won’t stop talking about this chick who makes like…jewelry..I guess? Now I’ve got probably the shortest range weapon known to man,” he finished, smiling.

The final straw was when Ellie came home from a patrol late one night, achy and worn, to a tiny box sitting on her mattress.

As she peered closer, she saw a note hastily taped to the side. It read:

“Hey its Dina. I saw something and it made me think of you. I may have blabbed about you to the artist and she knows who you are now. Oops. She said she wants to see your drawings. Don’t hate me.”

Ellie felt her body suddenly become more achy and more tired. Of course. She didn’t want to get involved in this bullshit, some newcomer wooing all her friends with useless junk. Although, the thought that Dina got her a gift blurred her annoyance to a degree.

Ellie’s fingers tore through the wrapping on the outside, flipping the lid to reveal a small, bone colored pendant strung with a brown braided cord. As she peered closer, the pendant became a moon;It’s face, immaculately tiny, smiling subtly.

The necklace was far too obstructive for Ellie to wear at all, honestly. Dina probably knew this when she got it. But the pendant truly is beautiful. An entirely different art form. A different show of care - of talent. The detail allows her to comfortably sit in her room and study it quietly for another ten minutes.

Ellie sat hunched the next morning, eating something bland for breakfast, only clad in a loose sports bra and some sweatpants.

A knock heightened her soggy mood.

“Are you fucking- I went out yesterday there’s no fucking reason to be knocking on my door at—”

Jesus. There is no mistaking it, Ellie thinks. This is you.

Your hair is intertwined with beads, some homemade and some foraged from the looks of it. Dozens of necklaces, layered and tangled around your neck. The same can be said for both of your wrists. Your ears, pierced up the sides and looped with beads, charms, and other metal pieces.

It was like you were a display for the things on your body. Except, no, Ellie thinks, your face stands out amongst it all. Somehow, with all of the things covering you, your beauty is the most noticeable.

It does nothing to quell how annoyed Ellie is, however.

“Who are you,” Ellie quips(knowing full well who you are). “and what do want.”

“I’m sorry- am I intruding? I really didn’t want to bother you or anything!” You rush, suddenly embarrassed.

“I’m y/n, I just moved here. Dina just said that you might have some extra pencils and stuff that I could borrow if I ran out?” You say, hoping desperately you can save this first impression.

“I mean…” Ellie uncrosses her arms and brushes some hair behind her ear.

“Yeah, you can use some shit. I have enough to share. I didn’t know Dina told you that, so. My bad. For being…rude.” She adds, opening the door even wider. You see her muscles flex as her arms extend and curse yourself for even noticing.

“Oh it’s fine, really!” You say, making sure to remember this about Dina. Also making sure to avert your eyes from the dangerously low cut of Ellie’s sweatpants. Her careless movements are really making you nervous.

Ellie gestures for you to enter, abruptly grasping your shoulder when you don’t move as fast as she would like. She begins to walk you farther into the room.

“You do realize it’s 6 a.m. right? What do you need pencils for at 6 a.m.?” She says, staring you directly in the eyes.

“Ah, well, I guess you’re not a morning type of creator?”

“No.” Ellie sternly remarks. “I’m not.”

She turns around to start walking away.

Starting to feel like a pest, you quickly try to think of something else to change the subject.

“Y’know…I think a ring would look really nice on your hands. Or fingers- I guess.”

That’s a nice compliment right? Or did I just say something fucking insane? You think.

Ellie straightens, slowing her pace a bit.

“I could make you a ring? Like as a trade? For the…pencils?” You say.

She turns.

“Yeah…Sure…” Her hands fall on her hips.

“How do you know how big to make it,” Ellie says. “The ring.”

“Well, what I’ve been doing is using this like, bendy piece of plastic to—well, hold on,” you pause, grabbing her hand to demonstrate.

Ellie’s eyes snap to yours in an instant, invisibly clouding your brain with something warm and fuzzy. You feel her hand flex in yours.

“uh…yeah, so I use this,” you reach into your pocket. “and I wrap it around whichever finger, like middle or ring finger.”

You instinctively wrap it around her ring finger, matching up the lines and moving your head in close to see which number lines up. You feel her figure move closer to you, almost hovering over you as you work.

“aaaand it looks like you’re a size….9” you mumble, running your hands along the base of her fingers before shyly retrieving yourself from touching her, remembering the situation.

Before you can move, Ellie snatches both of your wrists, bringing them in between the both of you. Her eyes intimately gloss over your rings.

“Hold up, could I try on one of yours?”

Your face colors. You couldn’t really explain, but something about the way she’s gripping your hands makes the blood in your body heat up.

“I…yeah, yes. But these are gonna be like…pinky rings for you.” You say, hands fumbling to take off one of your rings for Ellie to try on. Your palms are getting sweatier each time she touches you.

“What?”

“Your fingers are bigger than mine. So,” you take your ring and attempt to place it on her finger. “it only fits…” Ellie’s eyes track your hands. “…on your pinky. There. See? Pinky ring.”

“Oh.” She says. Her gaze still hasn’t left your hands, almost like she’s noticing them for the first time.

You misread her quietness as some sort of sadness.

“Hey, your hands aren’t that much bigger than mine- I know a lot of girls who just have bigger ring sizes. It’s not like- a thing. To feel bad about, or anything.”

Ellie says nothing. Her mouth twitches.

“Your hands are nice. I think..”

She looks up, a laugh bubbling out slightly. Finally, she stops you.

“I don’t mind having big hands.” She looks at you with something weird, something extra.

“They’re not really that big…” You joke, thankful that Ellie has seemed become less irritated with your presence. You notice the wirey veins tracing between her fingers and lining the backs of her hands.

“Yeah?” She questions. “Wanna compare?”

The way shes smiling at you puts a fiery ball in your stomach. It gets hotter as you realize she will not stop looking at you.

“Wow you really can’t take your eyes off my hands, huh? You really want to make me a ring that bad?” She says. Something in her tone makes you pulse between your thighs.

“Oh- I don’t mean to stare. I’m sorry.” You utter, trying to regain your composure.

This is not the Ellie you were taking to before. You felt…vulnerable, now. Your shirt felt thin, it had you rethinking your bralessness. Your shorts felt…short. It felt like the exposed parts of you were burning under the possibility of being seen by Ellie.

“No, I think you mean to.” She continues, “Because you’ve been staring this whole time.”

She’s found you out. You tried your best to be subtle about the yearning, the pull you felt, the way you’ve been just a little breathless ever since you’ve walked through the door.

But you failed.

“It’s really cute, the way you say you like my hands cause of the ring thing.”

She grabs your chin gently and rubs her thumb just under your mouth.

“…But. Be honest.” She stops. Her other hand starts to inch up your leg. You barely notice until her hand brushes the hem of your shorts.

“They just turn you on.”

Your eyes flip wide open, as does your mouth.

“You can pretend it’s some sort of artistic muse thing, but I think…” Ellie tucks a strand of hair behind your ear before leaning in closely near your neck. “you just want to be touched.”

Your silence is encouraging to her, it seems. The way your eyes have glossed over and cheeks gone red also let her continue,

“Yeah, it’s been a while, hasn’t it? Have you been waiting for someone to ask you that?” Her eyes flit between your lips and the outline of your pebbled nipples under your shirt.

“For someone to give their fingers to you?”Ellie only grins. She’s pleased, excited, at your inexperience.

“I- I don’t know what to say,” you sputter.

The hand on your thigh tightens, causing you to squeeze your legs ever so slightly. You focus on meeting Ellie’s gaze and not closing your eyes to relish in the contact.

“Do you want me to touch you?” She asks.

Her eyes gaze so heavily at your mouth, it’s difficult to remember to speak.

“Cause I really want to touch you. Please?” Both of her hands are now trailing up and down your thighs, almost frantically, tugging at the bottom of your shirt and messing with the hem.

You know that she can now see your bare breasts, pushing through the fabric of your top. Ellie’s hands grope your waist and your ass suddenly slides forward from the force, your breasts pressing up against hers in an instant. The heady exhale she groans out blows past your neck. The warmth gives you shivers.

“Yes, touch me.” You say,

hoping wholly to god that it won’t be the last time you say it.

[vir-tanadahl]

As the Moon Rises

Chapter 6: Behind Gilded Masks

I’m eagerly rewriting As the Moon Rises, which was originally written back in 2017, in anticipation of Dragon Age: Veilguard, channeling my excitement into refining the story. Summary: Isera Lavellan, at her mother’s behest, is sent to assist her twin brother, Banreas—the Inquisitor—in his mission to stop a force determined to bring about the world’s end. Together, they uncover long-buried secrets of their shared family history while Isera finds herself drawn to a mysterious non-Dalish elven mage whose knowledge of her heritage runs far deeper than she could have imagined. As the stakes rise, Isera must navigate this dangerous journey of discovery, where the past holds as much peril as the looming threats of the present. Solas x F!Lavellan.

[Ch1] [Ch2] [Ch3] [Ch4] [Ch5] [Ch6]

“I want you to come,” Banreas pleaded, his tone earnest as Isera sprawled out on his bed. “It’ll be fun! There will be people—" Isera scoffed, her gaze fixed blankly on the ceiling. She had been listening to him beg for the last hour to attend the ball at Halamshiral, and the thought of it felt overwhelming. The idea of mingling in a crowd, dressed in finery, seemed worlds away from her current state of mind.

“I hate people,” she replied in a monotone voice, her expression unchanging. Isera couldn’t understand why Banreas was so insistent on her attending. She had no true affiliation with the Inquisition beyond being related to its leader, and the thought of navigating a ballroom full of strangers felt daunting. The noise, the laughter, the expectations—it all seemed unbearable to her at that moment.

“Well, there’s dancing!” he offered, his voice brightening with excitement. He leaned closer, trying to gauge her reaction. Isera rolled her eyes, her skepticism evident. The thought of twirling around a dance floor filled with eager couples only heightened her reluctance. “Dancing doesn’t change the fact that I still hate people,” she countered, crossing her arms defiantly as she returned her gaze to the ceiling.

“There will be food,” Banreas continued, a hopeful note in his voice. He leaned back slightly, as if the promise of a feast could sway her. Isera let out a small, humorless laugh, still staring at the ceiling. “Food doesn’t magically make me enjoy being around people, Ban.” The thought of rich dishes and elaborate spreads did tempt her, but the idea of mingling with guests still felt overwhelming.

“Solas is going. I want Sera to go too. I just need you,” Banreas said, suddenly jumping into bed next to her. The mattress shifted beneath her as he turned to face her, his expression earnest. “Please, sister.” Isera shrugged, remaining unaffected by his plea. The prospect of attending the ball still felt daunting, and his excitement did little to sway her determination to stay put.

The ball was just a few weeks away, and the Inquisition had received an invitation from Grand Duke Gaspard. Josephine had shared that this invitation would cause quite a stir among the nobles, raising eyebrows and igniting gossip throughout the courts of Orlais. The prospect of mingling with the elite, especially during such a politically charged event, added another layer of anxiety for Isera as she grappled with her place within the Inquisition and the expectations that came with it.

“I am not formally part of the Inquisition. Cassandra will be a better choice,” Isera said, gently slapping his arm as she spoke. A teasing smile played on her lips. “I’ve seen how you stare at her.” Her comment hung in the air, lightening the mood between them and momentarily diverting the conversation away from her reluctance.

“I haven’t been staring!” Banreas protested, his cheeks flushing slightly as he sat up, a mix of indignation and embarrassment on his face. He crossed his arms, attempting to appear nonchalant, but Isera could see the corners of his mouth twitching in an effort to suppress a smile.

“You have! Have you seen her fight Iron Bull? Hmmm,” Isera hummed with a giggle, playfully fanning herself as if she were swooning. The lightness in her voice and the sparkle in her eyes made it clear she was enjoying the moment. Banreas couldn’t help but chuckle, the tension between them easing as they shared this playful exchange.

“Like you’re one to talk. I’ve seen you talking more to Solas. He has been spending a lot of time in the clinic,” Banreas deflected, throwing a pillow at her with a grin. Isera only laughed in response, her smile growing larger than life. The lighthearted banter filled the room, pushing aside any lingering doubts and bringing a sense of warmth to their conversation.

“How have you been feeling?” Banreas asked, leaning closer and resting his head on her stomach. The gesture was both comforting and sincere, a reminder of their bond. “I know I’m busy, but if you call for me, sister, I’ll always come.” His words carried a weight of reassurance, and Isera felt a warmth spread through her, knowing that despite everything, he would always be there for her.

Isera laid her head down, sighing softly. “I’m still… something, I guess. I’m not sad, per se. But… it isn’t as intense anymore. Some days… it’s harder. Today isn’t so hard.” Her voice wavered slightly, torn between the urge to be honest and the temptation to lie. But it was her brother, and in that moment, she chose to share her truth, however incomplete it felt.

“I’m sorry… I forced you to leave,” Banreas said, his voice low. The weight of his words hung in the air, and Isera couldn’t help but wonder if he felt guilty for what he had done. He had indeed pushed her out of the Fade, and the thought lingered in her mind like an unanswered question. She glanced at him, searching for signs of remorse or understanding, contemplating the impact of that moment on both of them.

“Well, if we’re both honest, if you hadn’t forced me to leave, I would most likely be dead. It’s fine,” Isera sighed, her tone a mix of resignation and acceptance. “Life isn’t fair, but… I have a gift that others do not.” She reflected on her unique abilities, acknowledging the complexity of her circumstances. It was a bittersweet realization, but one that she had come to embrace in her own way.

“Finding the light in things,” he responded, a gentle smile crossing his face. His words resonated with her, and for a moment, Isera felt a flicker of warmth in her chest. She appreciated his ability to see the silver linings even in the darkest moments. It reminded her that, despite her struggles, there were still sparks of hope to hold onto.

"On most days. I… have made some good friends here,” Isera began, a giggle bubbling up as she spoke. “Cole likes to leave the little frilly cakes on my bed on the really bad days.” The thought of his sweet gesture brought a smile to her face, a reminder of the kindness that surrounded her, even during her toughest moment.

“He is thoughtful, as always, and you have a sweet tooth,’ Banreas replied, playfully jabbing her in the side. Isera laughed, swatting his hand away in mock annoyance. His lighthearted teasing made her feel lighter, and for a moment, the heaviness of their earlier conversation faded into the background.

“Banreas, I would only eat sweets if the cook wouldn’t kick me out,” Isera said, attempting to hit him awkwardly, a playful grin on her face. But as she laughed, a sudden realization dawned on her—why Banreas kept inviting her to the ball. The thought sent a rush of emotions through her, and she turned to him, her expression shifting as she considered the implications of his persistent encouragement.

“You want to annoy the nobility by bringing the elves! The Elven Inquisition?!” Her voice rose in pitch, a mixture of disbelief and amusement. “Josie would not approve of inciting such problems.” Isera curled down, staring at him incredulously as she burst into laughter, the absurdity of the idea making her feel lighter. The thought of turning the ball into a spectacle delighted her, if only for a moment.

“I would never do such a thing, sister,” he replied, his tone dripping with sarcasm, though a broad grin spread across his face. “I only intend to appease the nobility and protect the Empress.” He climbed out of bed, his excitement palpable. “Plus,” he added with a spark in his eyes, “I had this made for you!”

He walked over to his closet and pulled out a mask, his excitement evident. “Here!” he exclaimed as he tossed it onto the bed. The mask was intricately shaped like the horns of a halla, beautifully crafted and painted with enchanted paint. The front sparkled a brilliant white, gradually fading into a shimmering gray that flowed seamlessly into the intertwined horns. It was a stunning piece, alive with magic and artistry.

“Gods! Have you been writing to Mother?” Isera shrieked, grabbing the mask in disbelief. “You do know she used to make me wear the skull of the halla when I would study with the Seers?!” The memory flooded back, a mix of embarrassment and amusement washing over her. She turned the mask in her hands, the weight of nostalgia and the creativity of the design sparking a sense of irony that made her laugh.

He made a face of disgust, scrunching up his nose. “I didn’t know that. Why?” he asked, genuinely curious. Isera couldn’t help but chuckle at his reaction, the image of her wearing the halla skull in her youth both mortifying and amusing. “It was supposed to help me connect with the spirits,” she explained, trying to stifle her laughter.

Banreas looked at her in disbelief. The Dalish had practices that those in the Circle would consider odd, even bordering on blood magic, but nothing quite like wearing the skulls of animals. “Well, I can assure you this one is not made from a real halla,” he said, shaking his head. “But will you go? I need to tell Josie to have the tailor come for you.” His tone shifted to a more serious note, the urgency of the invitation hanging in the air as he awaited her response.

Isera hummed, a mischievous grin spreading across her face. “Yes, but I only agree because I want to cause chaos among the Orlesian nobility. And the food,” she emphasized, her eyes sparkling with anticipation. Banreas cheered, thrusting his hands in the air with pride. “That’s the spirit!” he exclaimed, his excitement infectious as he reveled in her willingness to join him at the ball.

---

Vivienne, Josephine, and Leliana stood around Isera, engaged in a spirited debate over the color of her dress. The tailor quivered with anxiety—perhaps even fear—off to the side as Isera stood tall on a stool, various garments draped around her. Vivienne had taken it upon herself to enchant each swatch of fabric, declaring it was not just for Isera but to create a new fashion statement in the capital. The excitement in the room was palpable, but Isera felt a mix of anticipation and trepidation as she tried to navigate their strong opinions.

“I think the ombré would be best. A deep, velvet red at the top, fading down to a shimmering white,” Leliana suggested, pulling on a piece of fabric with a thoughtful expression. The way she spoke carried a sense of authority, as if she envisioned the entire ensemble perfectly. Isera watched as the fabric glimmered in the light, intrigued by the idea while the other women chimed in with their opinions, the energy in the room swirling with creativity and enthusiasm.

“My dear, we should place roses at the top with a sweetheart neckline. I can enchant them to smell like real roses,” Vivienne hummed in approval, her hand resting thoughtfully under her chin as she assessed Isera. The idea sparked a new wave of excitement, and Isera felt a flutter of anticipation at the thought of the enchanting details. Vivienne's keen eye for elegance blended seamlessly with the whimsy of the fabric, creating a vision that was both beautiful and uniquely her own.

“The red would complement her deep, copper skin beautifully, and the shimmer would be like bright topaz! She will be the gem of the ball!” Josephine giggled, her eyes sparkling with delight. She reached for a thin, opaque fabric, her fingers deftly grasping a golden clasp. “She will need something to cover her shoulders, conveying a sense of modesty while still showing them,” she added, her tone filled with inspiration as she imagined the perfect finishing touches for Isera’s ensemble.

Banreas walked in, donning the chosen formal outfit of the Inquisition, a look of determination on his face. He observed the three women animatedly discussing how to make the best impression. With a bemused smile, he approached his sister, who stood with her arm out to the side like a scarecrow, showcasing the various fabrics draped around her. The contrast between her playful pose and the seriousness of their preparations made him chuckle as he took in the lively scene.

“Having fun?” he whispered, tugging gently on one of the fabrics draped around her. His eyes danced with amusement as he watched the trio of women debate and discuss the perfect elements for her dress. 

“I’d rather wear a halla skull and run around naked than stand here being poked with needles,” Isera whispered harshly, her eyes narrowing slightly. “And Josie keeps telling me how to talk to Orlesian nobility. Have you met me? I am a damn druffalo! I do not have the patience for human politics!” The exasperation in her voice was evident, and she shot him a look that mixed amusement with genuine annoyance, her playful spirit shining through despite her discomfort.

“You’ll be all right, sister,” he encouraged with a grin, his eyes sparkling with warmth. It felt odd to see her being dressed up; he had always known her as quick and scrappy. Over the years, whenever he had the chance to see her, she wore simple cloth and armor—nothing flashy that would draw attention. They had fought in a few battles together, and during those times, she had been defensive, moving stealthily on the battlefield to heal and protect. When she did engage in combat, she struck hard and fast, slipping away just before a warrior could intercept the enemy. Seeing her now, adorned and poised, was a transformation that filled him with both pride and amusement.

He, on the other hand, moved faster, having mastered the ability to shoot arrows while running. He rarely allowed himself to be pinned down by the enemy. Banreas recalled a battle they had fought together when human bandits had gotten too close to their camp during one visit. Isera had transformed the battlefield into a treacherous landscape, sending spikes of ice erupting from the ground, creating a complicated maze for the unsuspecting humans. She deftly manipulated the ice, changing its configuration to keep the bandits disoriented and struggling to navigate, showcasing her talent for turning the tide of battle in their favor.

And now she was standing helplessly in his bedroom, held hostage by three of his most influential members of the Inquisition. Soon, all the members of the inner circle would be gathered in Banreas’s quarters, being fitted for their formal wear. Vivienne, Cassandra, Blackwall, Varric, and Dorian were all present, invited based on merit, each being fitted for attire distinct from the usual garb of the Inquisition. Josie had informed them that they would also need to wear masks, a necessary measure to delineate them as separate from the official organization. The room buzzed with energy as fittings took place, laughter mixing with the rustle of fabric, while Isera felt a mix of anxiety and excitement swirl within her.

Vivienne, having played the Game and known in many circles, was, of course, invited in lieu of the Inquisition. Cassandra, as the former Right Hand of the Divine, also received an invitation. Blackwall, despite being a Grey Warden, was celebrated for his many heroic feats on the battlefield, making him a fitting guest. Varric, a world-renowned author, was loved by the Orlesians for his storytelling. Lastly, Dorian was invited from Tevinter, as his presence sparked curiosity among the elite. Each of them brought their own unique flair to the gathering, making it an event charged with potential and intrigue

Those attending as official Inquisition members would include all three advisors, Banreas, Sera, Solas, and the Iron Bull. Isera was set to arrive with the Inquisition members at her brother's request, a decision that distressed Josephine since Isera was not formally a part of the organization and had no connections to Orlais. Leliana had suggested that Cole use his unique skill of making people forget in order to attend as well. He would, of course, remain hidden in the shadows, gathering information while keeping his presence discreet.

The fate of Thedas rested firmly in the Inquisition's hands. If they failed, the likelihood of Corypheus triumphing would increase tenfold. The weight of this knowledge hung heavy in the air, a constant reminder of the stakes involved as Isera prepared for the impending ball. The thought of their mission loomed large, blending the excitement of the evening with the grim reality of the challenges that lay ahead.

[sorya-lee]

What will happen to us ?

Character : Hunter x reader

Genre : 18+ story with fluff, little bit of angst (order 66 blah blah)

Words : 4K

Warnings : self-doubting, fear of treason, fear to fail

Author note : English is not my primary language but the one I am the most comfy with (notice me for any mistakes!) And here for all my thirsty Hunter girlies.

The Clone War drags on. It seems like it will never end. People are getting tired and starts to take side against the Republic and I, as a Jedi, am lost in the fog.

Things seems to be clouded, a strange atmosphere starts to reign but the only thing that seems to cheer me up is the fact that I always have my squad by my side.

I am in the Temple since I am a child, I am about the same age as Obi-Wan who's a good friend of mine. We trained together and gone through multiples difficulties together. My fighting style is a bit unique combining different forms, even the 7th. And I also have tendencies to do what I am told even if my instinct told me otherwise.

We are both masters in the Jedi Council but it seems I am the only one who's questionning the Jedi's doing in this war currently... Maybe that's why I have not a squad of my own. I have been assigned to multiple battalion during the war never without being involved with one. Even if I clearly had most missions with Obi-Wan and Anakin.

Then one day, Kamino asked the Jedi Council for a special detachment, they wanted someone special to lead the new "special" squad that they just created. I wasn't in the mood at this time, we just lost a battle and a lot of clones died. I am very fond of them, I always intend to make them feel unique, because that's what they are in my eyes: special. If only I knew at this time what would happen next, I wouldn't believe it a second.

I was on my way to Kamino, landing in Tipoca City, then led by the Prime Minister when I came across a little girl following an other Kaminoan. She was blonde and got the features of the other clones, but I didn't ask questions. Our eyes just met in this hallway and nothing else happened. Then we entered a room which was giving on a training room. There was a squad fighting.

They were very skilled and coordinated. They were simply fascinating. The Kaminoans explained to me that they were special clones with enhanced capacities. There was Tech, the brain of the group who possess an high intellect and he's a master of technology. Then was Crosshair who got an exceptional eyesight and marksmanship skills, he acts as a sniper and a long-range combatant. Then there was Wrecker who was much larger and stronger than the average clone trooper. He loves blowing things up, and serves as the muscle and demolitions expert for this squad. And talking about squad, there was the leader, Hunter. Hunter have heightened senses which allow him to track any subject and a lot of other things. And I was the one who was going to be their General.

The Kaminoans explained everything to me and used their numbers to designate them. I don't do that kind of stuff. We learned to know each other, I learned to not being an obstacle in their way. After all, they were special clones, why would I come across their abilities and make them less efficient?

Missions after missions, everything seemed to be going well. We weren't travelling in a classic Battalion Venator but in a ship they nicknamed "The Marauder". They came up with multiple plans named after multiple situations encountered during missions and they took a liking to disobey my orders but... Everything was fine at the end of the missions so I never hold it against them...

Then one day. No. That day. Everything was going fine on Kaller. We came to help taking back the planet from the Separatists, victory was ours. I was standing beside my squad as Caleb, the young Padawan of master Depa Billaba, was presenting the squad to his master.

Tech was rambling about something as I was observing the perimeter then master Billaba starts talking to me.

"It's a very effective squad you got there my friend."

"It is indeed. It's the best squad." I smiled proudly.

"I hope you don't cause too much damages."

"Oh don't worry they only like to use their strenght on the battle droids." I joke back.

"Are you planning to go back on Coruscant?" She asked.

"Maybe." I answered. "After the war will end. What will happen once it will be over?"

"What do you mean?"

"We will have to rebuilt an entire galaxy, to unite the systems again... I don't know if the actual Chancelor will be able to do that... But I am more worried about them." I said looking at my squad who was talking. And I know Hunter was listenning, not only because of his amazing hearing but because he took a glance at me before catching my eyes and turning away. "What will happen to them?"

She sighs and put a hand on my shoulder. "Attachments are forbidden to us, you shouldn't worried to much about them."

I looked at her intensely not understanding.

"But you know, they will be fine." She finally smiled.

I nodded. How can I not be attached to them? They saved my life more than once and Hunter... He seemed to understand me more than anybody in this galaxy. As leaders, alone, in a war they were fighting for something they didn't understand anymore. My heart was beating fast as the boys were talking with Caleb about going for another battle.

"Hey kid, you're ready? We move fast." Said Hunter in a cocky tone which makes me blush and smile.

"Good that's the only way I know." Answered Caleb.

"I think he got you there Hunter." I provocatively said to my Sergeant.

He looked at me through his helmet and I know that his look was full of kind annoyance.

"Ohoh I like this kid!" Said Wrecker.

Hunter looked at me and launch me a soft and confident "General." right before I answered "Sergeant" with a nod as he saluted me. It was our little thing everytime we came across each other or leaving one another. A little exchange of titles which was making us laughing more than anything.

As me and Depa were watching them leave, I was the first one to feel something in the Force. A great disturbance, I felt the pain of my friends. What was going on? That's when we heard it from one of the clone trooper who was from Depa's battalion : "Execute Order 66."

Then the trooper point a gun at us and Depa push me with the Force against a tree. She activated her lightsaber.

"Depa!" I screamed.

"Run!" She answered to me. Then I look to my squad, which at this moment was too far away for my liking, and to Caleb, who was young and alone. What was going on!?

Caleb stopped and looked at his master who was fighting against all the shots of blasters. I immediatly get up and ignite my own saber. The (s/c) color of my saber reflecting against me in the snow as I look at Caleb and called for Hunter.

"Hunter! Help us!"

"Master!" Was screaming Caleb.

What was I doing? This are clones attacking us I can't ask for clones to help us. What am I thinking now about my squad betraying me? I can't think straight. It was all the things that were going through my head at this moment.

I tried to defend myself against all the troopers shooting at us, tried to save Depa but she pushed me away with the Force to save me instead. Again.

"You must run!" She was screaming at us and Caleb. That's when a blaster shot hit her. I ran to Caleb and took him by the shoulders as I was trying to take him with me. "Run Caleb!" was the last thing we heard, I turned around because the troopers were coming to us next and Caleb security was a priority so I did like Depa. I stand between the danger and Caleb as I instructed him to ran away.

He ran into my squad, Hunter and the others had no weapons in hand, which was a good sign. I sensed no hostility but Caleb thought like I did first : Clone troopers means danger. So he ran away from my squad and I was deflecting blasters shots as I ran into Caleb direction.

"Caleb!" I shout. We had to run. Hunter is a very good tracker he could... What was I thinking again?!

I saw Caleb climbing a tree, I was hiding behind another one as I saw Hunter and Crosshair looking around.

"Come on down kid. We're here to help!" Said Hunter. "No!" He added when Crosshair shot with his riffle.

I couldn't believe it. I was paralysed. By fear? But what was I fearing? To die? Or to see my own squad trying to kill me?

"Liar!" Screamed Caleb. I ran away trying to be as discreet as I could.

The track continue as I saw Caleb on another tree. My com was still open and I heard the voice of Tech: "It appears the Regs have been ordered to execute the Jedi."

Oh no. I sigh with fear as my eyes widened. I didn't understand anything and I was running away from my own friends... But this?

"What? Which Jedi?" Asked Hunter. "All of them. They're saying the Jedis have commited treason." Answered Tech.

"That would explain things." Said Crosshair. How could it?! I didn't do anything. That's what I wanted to scream to them.

"It doesn't begin to explain things!" Retort Hunter. Was he sincere or... Was this a trap... I can't even sense it in the Force as everything is clouded. Even my own judgement is clouded.

"I suggest you get back here." Suggest Tech.

"Can't the General is missing and we haven't found the kid yet."

"Wrong." Said Crosshair as he shot toward Caleb. He defends himself and knock Crosshair out. I was too paralysed. I didn't wanted to hurt my friends but I had to save Caleb! Hunter threw his gun away.

"Easy, I am on your side." He said trying to appears as harmless as he could be. Caleb ran and Hunter followed him. My legs started to move on their own as I followed them.

Caleb stopped as he reached waterfalls, Hunter behind.

"Stay back." Screamed Caleb.

He took off his helmet. "Just hear me out."

"No. You killed her." He instinctively step back, my eyes not leaving Hunter.

"The others did. I am just as confused as you." He raised his hands. I wanted to trust him but it was too dangerous for Caleb and Depa's sacrifice will not be in vain.

Hunter held out his hand to Caleb then I saw the other troopers coming and I ran toward Caleb passing Hunter and I jumped. Caleb followed me as Hunter shout "No."

Caleb ran as I stood there, looking at Hunter. A look of guilt, betrayal and sadness in my eyes as I was looking at him for what I thought was the last time.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Clone Force 99? Isn't it a bit too much?" I asked my fellow Sergeant as we were returning back from our first mission. "I mean, I love 99, he was indeed special in his own way but really now?"

"What?" Said Hunter, smiling a bit. "We're not enough special to you?"

"You know, every and each clones are special to me." I smiled to him knowingly.

"I will prove to you that we're even more special. I am even more special." He said, his body close to me. His presence was insuffocating.

"Hum, by any means we're more special than Regs. We're genetically programmed to be more efficient, smarter and-"

"Yeah yeah thank you Tech." Said Hunter annoyed by his brother who interrupted us. And I laugh.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

The present day. I wake up from another memory from a time that is no more. Groggy and sad from my dream, in my all too quiet ship.

After the Jedi Purge, we received a message asking us to go back to Coruscant, that was a trap but Caleb wanted to go anyway so I let him. I have not the force to fight anymore. I am just wondering now holding the message of Obi-Wan close to my heart but still haunted by it. "Both our Jedi Order and the Republic have fallen."

I didn't sold my saber, I find another way to buy a ship. Who thought that I was going to end as a smuggler... I was doing a job for another trandoshan -and believe me when I say never trust a trandoshan but times are hard for everybody- when something happened. Thieves board my ship.

I run in every part of the ship, trying to protect my cargo and when I had no other choice because everything was dark, I take out my lightsaber and ignite it. It was the only light in here but thanks to the Force I was able to tackle my opponent. He was groaning from pain and I didn't recognize the voice at first. That's when I threatened him with my saber, with the only light in the room, that I saw the unique helmet design.

"Hunter?!" I say surprised.

More groaning come from the man under me. And no, it's not what you're thinking, I just hit him pretty hard and his head, even with the helmet, hit the wall behind us. He take it off and look at me confused.

"General?!" We stood there still and silent then he activate the com and said: "Tech. Call back the others and put back the electricity on. We call off this job."

I still didn't back off. I still have my lightsaber near him. Did he came for me?

"Who send you?" I say menacingly.

"General..." He tries.

"I am not in the mood for patience."

"You never were." He joke. I let him a bit too easily getting up. I am between the happiness to meet him again, my confusion to seeing him here and the fear of the last time we met.

"What are you doing here? I will not repeat myself." I say trying to avoid the shambling in my voice.

He raises his hands, exactly like last time.

"General. If you'd let me explain to you... W-we don't want to hurt you. We're not here for you, it's a mistake."

"Y-yes, it is."

"Hunter, what is it?" Another voice ask.

"Stay back!" Says Hunter glancing towards his companions. I raise my saber a bit and see the helmets of Wrecker, Echo and Tech. As I look up, I don't see the little person coming between me and Hunter.

"Hello." she simply says.

"A child?" I glance toward Hunter.

He clears his throat. "Omega. What are you doing?"

"She doesn't seems to be menacing only frightens." She says calmly. I look at her and recognize the girl from Kamino but before I could ask :

"And there it is." Says Tech, the lights coming back on.

"Thanks for cleaning up the mess you made." I says sarcastically turning off my lightsaber. "Now leave."

"Wait!" Hunter catch me by my shoulder. "We should talk."

"About what?" I say, knowing perfectly what he wanted to talk about.

"About what happened back there. That day." He continue.

I glance at the other, not seeing Crosshair. "Where's Crosshair?" I ask worried. A bit of pain crosses Hunter's eyes.

"We should head back to Ord Mantell." Says Echo.

----

"So this is the place..." I say looking around the famous parlor.

"Yeah!" Says Wrecker. Of what I could see, they didn't change... Or maybe it's just a face...

"Technically we don't stay around here too much, this place is a dump and the owner is very unpleasant." Says Tech. Yeah, no, they didn't change.

"But it's a good place to hide." Says Hunter as he sit on a seat near the bar.

"And you trust this owner?" I ask.

"They don't have much choice." Says a new voice. Then I see a Trandoshan coming to us. Remember what I say about Trandoshan? Yeah me too.

"Hello." I say.

Hunter clears his throat again. "Come with me, we have to talk."

I raise an eyebrow to him and he makes me understand with a look that he don't want to talk about it in front of the Trandoshan nor the kid.

We go in town, just us. It's been a very very long time since Hunter and I have been alone like this. My behavior is kind of unfamiliar, I am nervous and I stay away from him. We walk in an awkward silence until we reach the Marauder.

Once inside, nobody sat and we just stay there.

"So..." I break the silence. "Do you want to start to explain what happened or do you want to ask something else?" I sigh.

"I am going to tell you everything. Sit down, it's going to take a while."

And with that he explained to me everything. The Order 66, Crosshair's departure, The Empire, Kamino, Omega and the inhibitor chips.

"Maker... How could we have been so blind?"

"We were at war..."

"No I mean. The Order... That's a lot of informations. And this girl... She is a clone that you saved from Kamino... What do they want from her...?"

"We don't know. But we have to protect her." He says looking away with determination. I smile.

"Always so kind with children." He looks at me in the eyes with kindness. "I am sorry for everything that happened Hunter."

He gets up and come closer to me. "You shouldn't be sorry. It's us who should be sorry. You lost everything, you were alone and we weren't there to help you."

"It's nothing."

"No it isn't." He says firmly. "I could never erase the memory of this look of fear you had that day. When you were looking to me." He says shivering. I've never seen Hunter like this.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Still playing with this blade ?" I said.

He stopped. "I never told you to stop." I laugh.

He scoff. "What can I do for you General." He says in a low tone. The mission has been pretty difficult and we nearly lost Wrecker on this one. As a leader, Hunter was pretty worried but never told his fears out loud, as we went back in the ship, the silence was loud. I kneel before him, trying to meet his eyes and squeezing his kneel with my left hand. Not it wasn't an appropriate behavior for a General toward his Sergeant. But he needed me.

"Talk to me." I simply said.

"I am scared." I look at him, encouraging him to go on as he let go a long sigh. "I am scared to fail them."

"Hunter." I answered putting an hand on his chin to force him to look at me. Red creeping my cheeks as our eyes meet. "Don't put everything on your shoulder, I am here to help you." I smile softly to him.

His eyes got lost in mine, it seems like we're floating in the moment. Hunter was scruting me intensely as if I was the only thing valid in his space.

Then we hear someone clearing his throat, not in awkwardness but to make us aware of his presence. It was Crosshair. "Sorry to interrupt but we're arriving." I get up quickly on my feet and pass by Crosshair, red of embarassment.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I wasn't scared of you that day. I was confused. I mean... I am not going to lie to you I was scared at the start of everything but because... I didn't want to find that my most trusted men were betraying me and tried to kill me... I was scared to lose you that day... And I don't know what would have been worse... Loosing you, betraying me. Or loosing you... Because I would be forced to harm you..."

Silence. A silence was what follow my declaration. I took a weight off my shoulders. This silence wasn't awkward, it was like all the voices that were haunting me since that day just shut up all suddenly.

"Say something..." I ask Hunter, no, pleading him.

"General." He come closer to me and take my hand, his other come to my cheek. My head back off a bit in surprise at the affection, my cheeks redden at our sudden proximity.

He sighs a bit then smile softly. His smile, so endearing, so contagious that I smile myself.

"They could try to put any chips in my head, they could try to control my mind by anyway, torture me, break me or treat me like a toy, like cannon fodder, like just another clone in this galaxy... I would never ever harm you. I couldn't. I simply couldn't, because what I feel for you is far from what they believe they could do to change me."

His forehead is touching mine now, my eyes are in his, lost in his own words. My smile widden.

"What do you mean?" I say soflty, scared to break this moment. He puts both of his hands on my cheeks, raising my head slightly.

"I love you General. I've always loved you (Y/N). And being far away from you since that day was worst than fighting any battle. It's like I was half of me since that day."

I stay silent, looking at him with wide eyes, not knowing how to respond to that confession.

"Hunter." I smile. "You don't know how happy it makes me to hear you saying that." I say soflty, tears in my eyes.

He smiles back. "Does it mean..." He trails of, looking away and blushing. "That you like me too?"

I nod. "I am the happiest person alive when you're by my side. I am whole when you're with me." I grab his hands and caress them with my thumbs.

"With you by my side... Maybe things will be easier then... Maybe it will be like before again, when you and I were instoppable and always finding a way to everything."

"Hunter. You don't need me for that, you're still too harsh on yourself., you don't see how capable you are and you're blinded by the fear of failing them." I say growing closer to him who's watching me with wide eyes. "You're a good leader Hunter." I say closing the gap between our lips. Our kiss end his possibility to answer back to my affirmation. Our lips melt in a tender kiss and transform in a more feverish one when he puts his hands on my hips, getting me impossibly closer to his own body. We put every untold feelings and regrets into that kiss. One of his hand come on my neck then on my cheek, caressing it. My own hands in his wild hair, taking a full fist of it. Then, when we needed air, we pulled away but not getting away from our position, still entangled in a tight hug.

"It was my first kiss." Says Hunter.

"Mine too." I blush. "It's not a common practice among the Jedi." I joke and he laugh.

"I hope it will be the first of a long list." He says soflty, his raspy voice sending a shiver to my body.

"You can count on it. Why not getting on it right now?"

"Whatever the General like." He says kissing me again, this time more soflty, more tender, as an endorsement of reality.

After, he looks at me with an unknowing adoration in the eye and a spark of hope in the eyes, his hands cupping my face as I smile.

"What will happen to us?" I ask softly.

"I don't know. But with you. I am ready to take on the world."

The End.

[mumblelard]

ten year old in the eighties heads into the wilderness backpack dump or weekly world news

(image via cocaine bear)

my daughter listened to an album i mentioned, liked it, and told me about it including favorite songs and quoting lyrics. this totally normal event is unremarkable which is why i am recording it here for posterity

cocaine bear was a fun b-movie, solidly made b movie. it nailed the tone of heightened reality mixed with comic ultraviolence without any mood killing winks at the audience. i'm glad the kids were ok but i still would have been team bear ftw

i wish my friend was still coming over to hang out on the weekends when her kids were with the ex. i didn't expect it to last forever, and i know i appreciated it while i had it, but i am missing it a little more than i expected now than it is gone

we had two days of sunny weather in the low eighties with twenty percent humidity. it was the hundred-year flood of perfect weather for north georgia.

i had an idea for what i want to do when my current project is done and like all great ideas, it was sudden, unexpected, and just a little ridiculous

[void-galaxy-shenanigans]

fellow autistic folks &/or ADHD folks &/or auDHD folks with sensory issues, & anyone else with sensory issues. y’all may relate & may feel validated by.

have been experiencing heightened sensitivity & sensory pain (sensory issues) *for a week or so now*. not going away with sleep like usually does. sticks around. makes brain fuzzy or mushy or hurting.

depression, also not going away with sleep (or meds (as much)) as usually does. makes body feel heavy and brain foggy.

have slept a lot past few days to no avail. still exhausted. not feeling better.

still overstimmed. “aggressive”/frustrated response every time any sensory is painful. trying to manage because have kitty and don't wanna upset her with reactivity to sensory pain.

went to therapy on Monday. therapist says “oh, you're in burnout.”

was supposed to work fast food job. liked job, very gender, team kinder than used to. but not able to function unless allowed music, & have to get official accommodation to allow. (currently battling with their HR/disability analyst but hopes not high), because too many overlapping sensory pains (audio (timers, sizzling grill, bubbling stovetop, etc.), burns, etc.).

was unemployed for 4 months before ^, so desperate need for money. but disability doesn't pay enough to live on, & probably will get told “not disabled enough”.

have to try to apply for food stamps, but have been forgetting to go to in person appt every time apply, because am in burnout (PTSD + tism burnout won't allow phone call), so gonna attempt to apply in person or attempt do interview same day. exhausted at thought of.

typed words failing. grammar failed. spoken words dead, even echoes.

stress building. anxiety boiling stomach acid. brain spinny.

i wish people took burnout more seriously. i also wish people took nonverbal / non-speaking & minimally verbal (situational mutism or minimal verbal autism or other i don't know) people seriously & believed when express (sign language, mouthed words, vague signals, or limited words) that *can't* use words (not don't want to, not disrespect, not ignoring, actually cannot).

¿feeling disabled by my own disabilities? a tragedy. never could've seen this coming. (/trying to lighten the mood; a lil sarcastic, a lil lighthearted)

also getting emotional flashbacks (yay complex PTSD) to invalidation and ableism from other points & people in life (especially DNA losers (“parents”)). making feel worse.

i wish didn't feel. that was gonna go somewhere but train of thought died & still kinda relate. i wish didn't have to feel like this, to say better.

if you relate, i see you & i hurt with you. & i hope it gets better/easier.

~Nico

[thetreetopinn]

My ADD Medication Journey - Dec 11, 2023

2/11/2023 – Monday

Woke up shortly before my alarm went off, actually slept.

Single dose in the morning and no dose in the afternoon prevents insomnia.

Will continue with this until Friday. Will attempt two doses to see if insomnia returns.

Hoping that the insomnia is the body not being used to the change in brain chemistry and that a week of only a single dose helps acclimate to it.

Ate a couple of granola bars before taking the morning dose.

Dose taken at 7:45 am after eating two granola bars

Did not start to feel the effects until about 9 am

Digestion seems to delay the onset

Appetite suppression is diminished

Correlating eating prior or at the same time of taking dose with reduced appetite suppression

This will help keep me from forgetting to eat

Mild increase in tremors—assuming either because 'breakfast' was light or because medication affects brain chemistry in a similar fashion to either low blood sugar or increased excitement/arousal.

Known instances when tremors are more pronounce: When very hungry (assuming low blood sugar) When very stressed/angry/agitated (assuming raised blood pressure) When very excited Elevated positive mood, heightened enthusiasm, perceived sense of urgency

Current mood is relatively calm, but generally positive

Possible combination of medication and light 'breakfast'

Will need to try eating larger breakfast to test theory

A cursory google search shows that Adderall can increase metabolism

This would explain much of my experience

Felt hungry like normal, at lunch at 12:15 pm

Tremors eased down after eating

Online community has been sharing information with me about ADD meds and interactions

There is documentation that certain foods interfere with Adderall

Largely anything with Vitamin C

This can also include shelf-stable items like pop-tarts, power bars, and granola bars I may very well be sabotaging my medication Will try oatmeal for breakfast instead

Extremely grateful of the fact that I have been sharing this log with others and asking advice

Information has been provided that can help me adjust my habits to maximize the benefit

Diet, timing, setting a schedule for certain activities, etc.

[borderlinereminders]

Radical Acceptance is basically about accepting our feelings, without pushing them down, even the negative ones.

It means accepting reality and feelings for what they are, though it doesn't mean you don't want to change them.

Here's an example (This is a "small" situation because I think this is best started with a more manageable circumstance first.):

Step 1 - Think of a situation that you have feelings about. (Note that I don't recommend trying this with traumatic events to start which is why I've used the example below.)

Example: Yesterday I embarrassed myself in front of the cashier at the store when she said "Here's your receipt" and I said "thanks, you too!" This has heightened my anxiety about future situations where I need to talk to a stranger.

Step 2 - What caused the event? Stick to facts and don't make judgements about something you've done.

Example: I was distracted by feeling overwhelmed and misunderstood what she was saying.

Step 3 - Accepting the feelings. What emotions do you feel when you think back on this event? Try and be open about this and note any physical changes you might feel like your heart beat increasing.

Example: I feel embarrassed when I think back on it and it makes my hands a little sweaty.

Step 4 - The plan. This is where you come up with a plan on how to handle the situation and/or its effects. If you are not significantly affected by the situation, the acceptance steps may be enough. The DBT skill "Wise Mind" might be a good skill to use when coming up with a plan

Example: I can use rational thoughts to help me navigate this. Realistically, she probably talks to dozens of people a day. She also unfortunately probably deals with a lot of rude people that are more likely to stay on her mind rather than my little mix up with words. If anything, maybe it was refreshing for her because I was polite and chipper with her and maybe she felt the positive effects of that mood I was trying to convey.

Here are some coping thoughts that may help:

I do not have control of the past, only this current moment.

Ignoring my emotions only allows them to fester and continue to bother me.

This is uncomfortable, but I am going to get through this.

[angelwiththeblue-box]

what is in a name?

here it is!! my personal narrative about my process of choosing a name, hope you enjoy

(taglist in the reblogs, lemme know if you want to be added or removed)

.

It wasn’t anything serious. My roommate was out at band practice, the library, or class, and my boyfriend was eating dinner, so it was just me. I was in my bed, rewatching Bee and Puppycat when I got a phone call. I ignored it, as usual, and went on with my night. And then I got the call again, from the same number. I answered it, curiosity overtaking my anxiety when it comes to answering phone calls, and regretted it immediately. 

I came out to my parents at seventeen. I didn’t expect anything of it, and the first couple of weeks after they didn’t even try to use my name. Sometimes, there will be moments I wish I didn’t come out, moments where I think maybe it would’ve been easier if I just accepted the deadnaming and moved on with my day, but I didn’t. I came out to my dad first, not really out of choice, but out of necessity, and it was awkward. I came out to my mom when I thought she was in a good mood and it went less good. You know, if there’s ever something I recommend when a trans person tells you that they’re changing their name, don’t tell them that you think the name is bad. That is not the thing they want to hear. 

But no matter. I’m out. I’m thinking of changing my name again, which will be an all-around hassle and has definitely played into some of the regrets of coming out the first time. 

One of the things that I held onto when watching a queer Q&A done by one of my favorite YouTubers was that you don’t ever come out once. It’s a misconception on TV that once you’re out then you’re done. It’s a lie. I’ve come out to so many people so many times and it’s exhausting. 

There was something about that phone call that put me in a state of heightened anxiety. I said it already, it wasn’t anything big, but hearing her on the phone, repeating my deadname over and over trying to figure out why no one was responding wasn’t fun. I hung up after getting past the initial shock and blocked her immediately. I figured out who it was the moment she started talking. I deleted her number two years ago, and I have no idea why she called.

In my time of pondering changing my name, I think about that phone call, about my initial action of not being able to move out of what can best be described as fear, as if she was going to crawl out of the phone and demand we play dress up like we used to. (I hated dress up. She loved it. It’s a very good analogy for our entire friendship.) I thought about hearing the name I use now on a call like that, repeated over and over, demanding for me to say something. Would my current name reach a point where my deadname is, where I can’t hear it without feeling the anxiety that shakes me to my core? 

And then I realized I don’t have many good memories attached to my deadname. It’s either lost to the ether that is my terrible memory, or there just aren’t any. My current name, on the other hand, is something dear to me. I got it when I was thirteen, my parent’s internet safety tips flitting through my head and I needed a screen name for a new social media site I was trying. It’s the name I had when I met my boyfriend and all of my favorite people, and the name I use now, discovering myself and who I am, and how I reinvented myself in college. It’s never going to have the negative connotations that my deadname has because it’s not my deadname. It’s a name I chose for me that fit me for six-plus years and the name that everybody excluding my family knows me by. 

I didn’t put much thought into my name the first time. I picked my favorite fictional character, and over time, I shortened it to what it is now. I didn’t need to put much thought into it, as at the time, it was only a screen name, something I used to end chapters of stories and sign off messages to people who I’ve lost touch with over the years. 

 Sometimes I wonder what would my name be if, all those years ago, I had picked something else, some other fictional character, or a name that I personally liked more than my own? Sometimes I wonder if my mother won the argument with my father about my deadname, if it was after a Jane Austen character like she wanted it to be. Sometimes I wonder what would’ve happened if I, in the four years of using my screen name, decided to change it. Sometimes I get carried away in the what-if of it all, which doesn’t help me now. 

I have a notes app list on my iPad with all the names I’m considering, with reasons I do or do not like them. My favorites are the ones that my friends gave me, suggestions written in the tags of blog posts, and sent to me over messages. Every so often, I’ll think of a dumb name and I’ll text my boyfriend about it. I’m not one for coming up with names. My process for coming up with names for my characters is to look at baby names until I find something that fits. Or text my boyfriend because he’s always been better at coming up with names than I have. It’s a process that works well for characters, but it’s harder when it’s yourself. 

My list includes fictional characters, fantasy-sounding names, and vibes that feel like they’ll fit. I don’t know if any of them are right. I don’t even know if I’m going to end up changing my name. Maybe I’ll decide it’s too much of a hassle and give up. 

I don’t think I am, though. I’ve noticed I don’t tend to give up on things that are important to me. My parents commonly say it’s my best (and worst) quality. I don’t think that’s of any importance, however. I think my parents have come up too many times in this considering the fact that they really don’t have any sort of vote. 

Now I feel it’s time for the conclusion. What have I learned during this journey, what sort of person will I be, and does my name have any bearing on my personality? William Shakespeare once wrote, “a rose by any other name will smell as sweet.” It’s shockingly accurate for my own struggles. Does my current name truly reflect my own life? Does having a different name reflect how I act?

Conclusions are meant to wrap things up in a nice tidy bow. There’s meant to be a set beginning and a set finale. I don’t really think that applies here. This isn’t the ending. My notes app list of names is only getting longer, with no clear ending in sight. I prefer that, to be honest. It’s more fun when things are left open-ended, with more room to draw from your own life, and more room to figure out where to go next.