#this is from mid october. and i finally finished it today. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ozzgin · 1 year ago

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Greetings! How you doing today/tonight?

This is not a request or anything

Hopefully you're doing fine, cuz I'm not, I have a shitty cold rn and I just finished 5 tissue roll papers in just a few hours

Anyway this ain't about me, just wanted to see how you were doing since I've been a bit inactive with tumblr with the past few days

Have a great day/night :3

-🎧anon

Aww, sorry to hear that. We’re definitely entering cold/flu season. Mid-October I’ve gotten ill with some virus, no idea what it was, but I had no other symptoms other than terribly swollen sinuses. Which, in turn, pressed on my tooth nerves, so I had massive tooth pain for days. Never dealt with anything like that before and it sounds downright ridiculous, turns out it’s an actual thing. Start taking immunity supplements and avoid visibly sick people!

I know you said it’s not a request, but I couldn’t help the thought of “How would the Baki characters take care of you?” So I did write some short headcanons after all. For you and anyone else currently bedridden. :)

Baki Characters x Sick! Reader

Featuring Baki and Jack Hanma, Kaiou Retsu, Katsumi Orochi and Pickle. And a reader that’s battling a cold!

Baki Hanma

There are two stages of Baki’s involvement. Once you’re not answering his calls he will be at your front door, worried and considering ways to break in. That’s when he hears the muffled coughing and sneezing through the walls and figures it out: You’re sick. He’ll return with a bag of supplies and offer to stay at your place until you feel better. His help consists of quick Google searches, because he’s never had anyone doting on him and consequently has no idea how to care for someone in such situations.

Second and final stage is him getting sick from you. You’ll wake up in the middle of the night to see him trying to hold back his cough, at first denying his poor health until you touch his forehead and it’s burning. The bad news is that you’re both bedridden. Baki is beyond embarrassed, attempting to justify himself and explaining it has never happened before. Eventually one of his or your friends will show up and pay the occasional visit to play nurse. At least you’re not suffering alone. You’re not sure if it’s an actual saying, but you’re tempted to believe colds go away faster in good company.

Jack Hanma

You don’t want to interfere with Jack’s routine, so once you wake up with the familiar sore muscles, you decide to quietly recover from home. Jack notices your absence and while he does not want to be nonchalant and potentially impose on your personal troubles, he can’t help the curiosity. In fact, he spends the whole training time wondering why you’ve skipped your usual visits. So when you hear a knock on the door you don’t think twice about opening it. Probably your food delivery. Only when you notice Jack’s massive frame blocking any outside view, you gasp in surprise.

“Oh. You seem to be ill.” Is all he states before turning on his heels and leaving. You stand there baffled and eventually return to your warm bed. Just as you cozy up, there’s another knock and you groan, throwing the blankets off of you. This better be the hot soup you ordered. Except it’s Jack again, holding not only your delivery, but also multiple other bags with groceries peeking out. “Y-you’re back?” You mumble. “Well, can’t do much empty handed. Here’s your order, but I got some extra things to help with your cold”, he states as he invites himself in.

Kaiou Retsu

You know Retsu will be worried about you, so you try your best to mask the symptoms over the phone. “That’s a stuffed nose. Are you sick?” He immediately points out. Uh oh. You fumble with some excuses and he promptly hangs up. Have you upset him? You’re starting to feel bad. He’s never dropped out of a conversation like this before. You try to call back several times until you’re distracted by the sound of your doorbell. You’re not in the mood for visitors. You continue your attempts to reach Retsu as you approach the door and open it. “I suspected as much.” Your head snaps up hearing the familiar voice.

Before you can say anything, you’re casually lifted up and brought to your bed. As if he’s been doing it his entire life, the Kenpo master tucks you in and pulls out an apron from his bag. “I’ll check what ingredients you already have in your pantry and go buy the rest. Before that, I’ll make you a tea. Any preferences?” You open your mouth to speak, but he’s already walking away, describing the best choice of drink for the common cold. Really, the best thing you can do right now is to rest and leave everything else to him.

Katsumi Orochi

Usually, Katsumi will avoid using the spare key you’ve given him. On the other hand, he was supposed to pick you up for your regular date night and you haven’t answered his persistent knocking, so you leave him little choice. He quietly apologizes for the intrusion as he unlocks the door and tiptoes his way in. The lights are off and he’s becoming increasingly anxious, almost sprinting to your bedroom. He stops in his tracks once he sees you buried under the blankets, passed out and sweaty from an obvious cold.

Ah. Well, that makes sense. He smiles to himself and gently pats your forehead to make sure it’s nothing serious, then sneaks out of the room. You wake up hours later, groggy and sore. It suddenly occurs to you that you’ve slept through your date and jolt up, nearly collapsing in the process. You erratically search for your phone and call Katsumi to apologize. Simultaneously you hear his ringtone nearby, so you limp outside, confused. As you reach the kitchen, a pleasant smell invades your nostrils. Katsumi turns to look at you. “You’re awake! I made something to help with your cold. I’ll bring it to your bed, so you can go back and rest. We can’t skip our romantic dinner.” He chuckles after the last statement.

Pickle

Pickle has been ill at least once in his life, so he can quickly guess that your coughing and runny nose is not something that’s supposed to happen on the regular. Although, if he’s honest, he has no idea what he should do. He’d deal with his sickness by just sleeping it out, or downright ignoring it. Seeing you like this, however, fills him with an overwhelming desire to help you. He does love you, after all. Witnessing your suffering isn’t something he does with ease.

He manages to gesture the situation to Baki, who follows him back to your place and proceeds to do the first aid he’d sporadically learned over the years. A rather clumsy attempt, but it’s better than nothing. Once Pickle has observed the steps, he swiftly shoos the young boy away. All he needed was a little bit of demonstration, some brief instruction on the modern ways. Everything else will be done by him. It’s only proper that the actual care is performed by your partner. You’re a little afraid of the potential outcome to this experiment. Especially once you hear the loud rattles coming from the kitchen. Don’t worry, it’s all made with love.

*My partner has insisted that I include Yuujirou Hanma just to say that he’d tenderly piss on you. I compromised on a footnote.

#baki #baki the grappler #baki hanma #baki headcanons #baki x reader #pickle baki #pickle x reader #jack hanma #jack hanma x reader #kaiou retsu x reader #kaiou retsu #katsumi orochi x reader #orochi katsumi #katsumi orochi

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mimzy630 · 1 month ago

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Today, October 18th, I'm saying happy birthday to my favorite Psyncer, Kuruto Ryuki!

The incredible @vividcitrus illustrated my transmasc Ryuki headcanon comfortably showing top surgery scars on the beach!

More on my story below the cut :)

Ryuki is absolutely the Psyncer I see myself in the most. I love all the Psyncers and really tons of the characters in AI: THE SOMNIUM FILES and nirvanA Initiative dearly, but Ryuki is the closest one I have to a kin.

When I first met him upon starting the game, I resonated immediately; he plays the somewhat asexual-coded straight-man to Tama's sexy routine which immediately endeared me, and his fluctuations between needing to prove himself and be the one to solve the case to being severely depressed at not being good enough... Yeah! No, hello, that's me lol.

I wasn't really a part of his little fanclub before release, but oh boy did I fall hard and fast for the scuffly little cutie, and that love only grew stronger as the game went on- seeing Ryuki getting so absorbed in his job he forgets himself, seeing him so focused on one way to solve things that he has to make impossible choices, seeing him get paralyzed by choice when it matters most... Yeah! I mean yeah that's all me yeah. Not to his extreme levels of course but oh yeah no every scene with him only made me love him more.

He's just adorable... Ahhh I want to put my hands through his hair... Ahem, anyways, as soon as I finished the game I was like damn... I might have a kinnie... And I don't think I'm exactly a Ryuki Kin per-se, but I do very much see myself when I look at him.

I am also transmasc! Specifically, agender, but who knows where my journey will take me. I have a hard time struggling to think of what I want to look like; I don't have a real sense of identity much at all, let alone visual identity. Most of my self-image is a big ole void.

But I know there are certain parts of me I'd love removed LOL to I reached out to m, the artist, and we chatted- I've always had a soft spot for transmasc Ryuki and been kinda hoping someone would draw him someday, so fuck it, I decided I make it happen myself. In the process of this commission, I forced myself to really think about how I'd want to look, how my scars would look, if I wanted nipple grafts, etc., and m was super happy to work with me on all of that!

The final version, with the more understated scars following the natural curve of the pecs that go from below the armpit to mid chest and no nipple grafts, makes me actually feel good... Like, hey, maybe someday I too could be topless on a beach, smiling and confident... It's a far-off dream that I have to save a lot for, but hey... That murky swirling void in my head has cleared up just a little bit, enough for me to be able to see a happier future for myself, and that's everything really.

I know I'll never look like Ryuki exactly, there are a lot of obstacles to this, but at the very least, when I find money and a surgeon, I can say "that. That's how I want to look, and that's how I'd feel looking like that." Which is more than I've ever been able to do! Dysphoria is my constant companion, but euphoria tends to elude me... @vividcitrus turned the tables on that!

#aitsf #kuruto ryuki #transgender #commissioned art #transmasc #transmasc ryuki #trans ryuki #aini #ai somnium files #ai: the somnium files #ai the somnium files #ai nirvana initiative #nirvana initiative #transmasculine #transmasculine ryuki

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therealalexhera · 1 month ago

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Musings on: Walker Creek

Walker Creek is a project I haven't thought about in a while. Well, that's not true. It's a project that I haven't consciously thought about in a while, but it sure does cross my mind more often than you'd expect. And today is its fourth anniversary, so I feel like taking a trip down memory lane.

I grew up with the Slenderverse. I don't think that's really new information for anyone who keeps up with my work -- but I believe it was 2011 or 2012 when I first stumbled upon Marble Hornets and Slenderman, and fell in love with found footage, immersive storytelling, and horror (my only prior exposure to horror had been the original Alien and 'Blink' from Doctor Who). Marble Hornets and EverymanHYBRID were what pushed me into filmmaking and especially into ARGs from a young age. I proceeded to spend years wanting to make an ARG, until finally, mid-pandemic in October of 2020, I decided that there was no time like the present, and I spent basically all day every day for the following 14 months working on the project. What started out as, let's be real, a very Local58/Gemini Home Entertainment inspired analog horror series, turned into a sprawling transmedia horror project. 100 episodes, 7 websites, and a feature film finale later, in November 2021, I finally finished it. Walker Creek isn't a Slenderverse series, technically, but it's not just an analog horror series either. Nowadays, when I look back at its style and its inspirations... I know it's basically a Slenderverse series in every way except the presence of Slenderman. But one of the things I like about it is that it is also an analog horror series. It is also a web ARG harkening back to many of my favorites from the 2000s and early 2010s. Like most of my projects, I spent a few years observing what other artists were doing, and then synthesized everything I liked about it into a project of my own.

My feelings about it are complicated sometimes, though. On one hand, Walker Creek is a project I feel incredibly proud of; a project that is so vast I can't even comprehend how I accomplished it with so few resources. A project that gave me my first and second feature films, two online friends, a space to experiment as an artist and find my voice as a storyteller for the first time, and a foothold in the ARG & indie film space. Walker Creek was never 'popular', but I can't say it was anything other than a success; I grew an audience from nothing (by self-promoting as 'adamtheargguy' on Reddit - yes I'll finally admit that was me), gathered a dedicated base of players for the ARG elements, and genuinely impacted people. One of the most stunning aspects of that project to me was how much Walker Creek mattered to the diehard ~10 players who kept up with it 24/7, investing themselves in the story, making friends with the characters, making memes of me and my friends from the videos, and even moderating a Discord server (which, occasionally, still has people who send messages every once in a while). Inversely, it's also wild to think about how much that community mattered to me while it was running. There's a reason I came back to do a little mini anniversary sequel ARG in October 2022 (though nobody really knows about it!) and it wasn't because Walker Creek needed a story continuation; it was to celebrate the community. Walker Creek was a story and a playerbase for me to interact with, but it was also a social outlet. I think, for as much 'roleplaying' there was in the character accounts, there was a lot of the real me in there too. And as mentioned above, I am still friends with two of the people from that community; one of my most recent reminders of Walker Creek was one of them asking to name a character of theirs after a character in Walker Creek. And beyond that, Walker Creek spun off in so many other directions too. I have a Trailhead research post on the Night Mind Index about Walker Creek, and a video on his channel about that post (and even though I hoped for it for the entire duration of the project, NightMind never covered the series... but from my perspective now, I think being spotlighted in his Trailhead research project is actually way cooler). Also Nexpo watched the series and Wendigoon said he was going to make a video about the series and then just... didn't? LOL. God, I haven't thought about those things in ages. It's funny how big all of it felt at the time, and how inconsequential it seems in retrospect. It hasn't even been that long. I mean, I still remember the day that Walker Creek gave me probably the most important development in my career - in late November 2021, when I was invited into a Discord server with a bunch of major ARG creators because of the 'Making Of' documentary I made about the series. It was the moment where I finally felt like I was part of the ARG creator community. Without all of that, I might never have made The History of Analog Horror, or Slenderverse: A Documentary Film Series, or What I Remember, or my other unannounced projects. That's why Walker Creek still got a reference in the Slenderverse doc series, and in my upcoming feature. It's a core part of my journey as a creator, of the development of my skills as a filmmaker, and even of my knowledge base as an ARG historian/researcher.

And yet at the same time -- the 'other hand' I've been trying to get to for the last paragraph: I feel a dissonance with Walker Creek. A feeling of dread sinks in every time someone tells me that they watched Walker Creek, or the 'Making of' documentary that accompanied it. From time to time, I go back and rewatch bits of my old projects just for fun, but I never rewatch any of Walker Creek or the documentary about it. Hell, there's a part of me that thinks I might not even going to publish this blog post when I get to the end of writing it. I'm here because there's a part of me that doesn't want to forget it, yet another, stronger part has an intense aversion to revisiting it. There is so much that I would cringe at, yes, but beyond that, there are so many of my personal feelings bleeding through and so much to be reminded of regarding what was happening behind the scenes with all the former friends I made that project with.

It's shocking, in a way, how distant it feels to me despite how recently it concluded, a mere three years ago. In the intervening time, I've made so much more material, grown so much as a filmmaker, and have gone through so many seismic shifts in my life and my perspective as both an artist and as a human being. Like let's be real, I still thought I was cis when I made that series! But more than that, I've now gone from an amateur with almost zero experience to an indie filmmaker funding my own films and building a career, now with eight features under my belt (six released, two in post production). It's quite literally a different era of my life -- and it's not like that's something that's hard to conceptualize; I even said something almost identical at the end of the 'Making Of' doc... but it doesn't always feel like the end of an era when you're in it. Chapters in real life don't start and end cleanly like in a book. There's bleed. And so, as much as Walker Creek 'ended' in November 2021, it didn't feel like it was over in those next few months, when I was adjusting to no longer living in that imagined world every single day. It didn't feel like it was over when I made The History of Analog Horror, since I was literally using Walker Creek & its companion doc as a foundation to get resources and as the basis for exploring my own inspirations. I guess in retrospect, that doc was a bit of a personal sendoff for Walker Creek -- a full circle moment where I got to finally bridge my work and the work of those that inspired me into a single project. I was able to get some distance from it with that, but even then... it didn't feel completely over in December 2022 when I was writing scripts for a spiritual successor ARG taking place in the same world. It didn't feel completely over in February 2023 when I did an interview for the Ludic Society and, unexpectedly, half of the interview was about Walker Creek.

I think now though -- and part of the reason I'm writing this post -- is it does feel over. I don't know when that happened. I wish I knew what that exact moment was. But I just know that now, after my identity and life has changed so much, and after spending two years on the Slenderverse series, while simultaneously spending the past year working on my found footage feature, and now working on a new doc series and another feature screenplay, there's so much distance between me and Walker Creek. And yet, as I said, I don't want to fully let it go. My found footage feature has a reference to it, as will my next screenplay, as will the webseries I'm working on (Grimoire), as will my next doc series, probably. It's a weird feeling and Walker Creek feels weird to think about, but I'm so glad it happened. Its DNA is present in every project I do, because I wouldn't have been set on my current path without it. Even if its now only in indirect ways, pretty much everything I do has built off of Walker Creek in some way. Even my email signoff, 'kind regards', comes from a character in Walker Creek. And in the end, I think all of this is why I'm not really able to shake Walker Creek, even if it feels over, or distant, or dissonant to my current self. And one day, maybe I'll be able to revisit it properly.

One final note: today is the 4th anniversary of the series, but in-universe, yesterday, October 23rd, was the 'Harvest Festival' (chosen because it's the same date as the bombs dropping in the Fallout universe). So... happy (late) Harvest Festival to anyone still hanging around from that era who remembers why the Harvest Festival is important. And for one final deep cut reference... long live Yvrisil.

Kind Regards,

Alex Hera

#walker creek #arg #unfiction

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jmdbjk · 1 year ago

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So I'm writing this because of a convo with my bestie who said:

"Ferg, have you considered writing a blog addressing the wrong headed assumption that the members were "forced" to create the Festa content that we got today? How the people pushing that agenda are not looking at what was happening in their lives at the time said content was filmed. They always want us to have pictures and music at Festa. They WANT to create that content. If they were "forced" it wasn't by the company, it was by the calendar and the government. With no (military) exemption, they understood that the only time to come up with OT7 music or pictures was before mid December (2022). And drilling down, the only time was in October. RIGHT when they hit the final acceptance that they would all start enlisting and the foreseeable future was actually not foreseeable at all. Their hearts were extra heavy that within a few weeks they would say goodbye to Jin. Yoongi was dealing with severe writers block and, I think, feeling guilty that he was going to miss his deadline for the first time EVER. RM was working toward the release of Indigo. Kookie was looking at heading to Qatar. Yada yada. So with all that....they had to try and look light hearted. They didn't. The anxious vibes come right off the screen. We all feel it but many are not interpreting it right. You know, the ones who already are quick to blame everything on the company."

Or the ones who only view everything through a shipper or solo lens and say the guys hate each other.

The members, who filmed this video months ago, filmed this with pure sincerity and love for us knowing they would not all be available to do anything for us for their 10th Anniversary Festa in June 2023. How must that have felt to them? To know that their milestone 10th Anniversary would not play out like they had envisioned way back in 2020? They thought they'd start enlisting by the end of 2020 and be finished with MS by now, so they'd be together in 2023. They had to try to come up with something spectacular for us and for themselves so that 3 years after that hot mess, we could celebrate with them. They deserve to celebrate themselves as well, they worked so hard over the past ten years.

Its the end of 2022. They looked a little tired. We know 2022 had some heartbreaking moments for them. By this time they were juggling their own projects AND the Busan concert preparation.

Hobi was ever-present sunshine, yet maybe he had a lot on his mind? Was he already thinking about his next projects and starting to contemplate an earlier than planned enlistment? We know Yoongi was trying to put finishing touches on D-Day. We know Jimin was working on at least one collab as well as his own MV concepts and promotion activities for Face and working out details for his fashion ambassadorships. Tae was busy exploring new things with fashion brands and tv shows. RM was finalizing his Indigo promotions. Jin was about to announce his enlistment plans. JK was prepping for Qatar. And here they were thinking ahead to June 2023.

I think they filmed this Festa video within days of the Busan concert. Either before or after. Remember we had a VHopeKookMin live right after the concert. I would also venture to say they also filmed this the same day as the Festa photoshoot (Love Myself campaign promo released end of November 2022):

Yet they still thoughtfully planned and executed things to be released for Festa. Concepts were conceptualized and the company took it from there and we see they've done a great job procuring deep-pocketed sponsors.

I don't understand the whole "they need to go start their own label" mindset either. I've already said it several times... they already did that, it's called BigHit Music. If BTS don't re-sign a contract its because they are retiring from releasing music. What IS plausible is a member or two starting an independent label for other up-and-coming artists so they can write and/or produce for them... all still under the HYBE umbrella.

During this solo era, I want to say things like "I think we can all agree ... [insert almost anything]" but I can't say that these days because, in my opinion, the fandom (on Twitter and other soc med platforms) has fractured into so many different factions who seem to spend a lot of time pitting themselves against other parts of the fandom for everything and anything they can find to nitpick, criticize, compare and compete with, to be angry about, that no one agrees on anything. This member is better than that member or ... and this one galls me... the company is forcing them to do this or that OR [insert member's name] sabatoged [insert other member's name].

Twitter Army yelling at Weverse Army "YOU'RE NOT DOING IT RIGHT!" Who designated Twitter Army as the dictator of all things BTS?

People berating others for not streaming the music, or trying to humiliate followers into streaming 'CORRECTLY'. The conspiracy theorists–don't get me started on that. The dissatisfaction with how the solo projects have rolled out. The constant comparison and competition of which member has the most streams in a certain time frame, who has the most songs on the chart for the longest, fastest, more countries, more collabs, more awards...whatever... It's all "my way or the highway/[member name] is the best" and it is really disappointing and tiresome to see the enormous waste of energy.

And if you are still reading, I am totally on board with what another blogger said the other day about how the entire Kpop fandom has this Kpop culture mindset deeply rooted in their way of thinking. It colors their view of EVERYTHING: that artists are treated badly by their record labels/entertainment companies to the point of being physically abused, artists are not paid well, artists are forced to do things and play roles... adhere to strict rules, etc.. because that's how the oldest companies started and some are still operating today (looking at you SM Entertainment).

That "business model" may have been "the way" in the beginning of the kpop industry because no one stood up and called them out on it. So people have come to think EVERY entertainment company operates that way when we've been shown and told over and over by many HYBE employees that its a great place to work. MANY people OUTSIDE the company, staff and other people in the music industry including other artists are blown away at the innovation and forward thinking of the company and we've even heard the members themselves say that they love their company.

Of course no company is perfect, there will be mistakes made, bad decisions, wrong projections, etc. but out of all the entertainment companies, BigHit, Bang PD and BTS have strived to change the system from the start and our own "fans" are being brainless shitheads and talking trash.

Also, HYBE can't come over here to the United States and start auditioning young people for new groups if they are operating like SM Entertainment. That shit ain't gonna fly over here. You'll have a lawsuit in a blink of an eye as soon as someone gets a whiff of sexual harassment or physical abuse of a minor. A carefully built and protected reputation would be ruined, not just Hybe's but BTS's and every other artist under Hybe's labels as well.

Yes, some things we've seen make us scratch our heads... the tight back to back release of Jimin and Yoongi's work had us all wondering what happened. Yes, Jimin's very abbreviated promotion period for Face was frustrating and disappointing. But no one knows what went on behind the scenes. If neither Jimin or Yoongi comes out and tells us what happened then I will just move forward like they are. If either of them made a mistake, we might not ever know of it, but they will correct it going forward. If the company was the one who miscalculated, they too will correct that in the future. We can call it out when we see it happening but there is no reason to dwell on it. I don't see anything positive or productive about the continued pointing fingers to blame, holding grudges and continuing to speak negatively when it's plain the members of BTS love us, work hard to show us that and deserve only to see our love reflecting back at them.

Ok so I've ranted long enough.

[Public Service Announcement: if I don't talk enough about your favorite member, or if I don't say things you want to hear about whatever is your hill you chose to die on, there is a block button way up there and also this nifty thing you can do called "scroll" that lets you ... wait for it... scroll! past my blog post so you don't have to expose yourself to my words. Its not that hard. Really. Otherwise, its all on you.]

#bts festa #not a fan of grandpa sweater vests #at least they've moved on from school uniforms and college bf #unlaced black leather pants era was too short #we never had that era yet? oh maybe that was just my dream last night oops TMI heh

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yeonjunszn · 2 years ago

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autumn breeze, autumn leaves

pairing lee heeseung x f!reader

word count 986

genre fluff

warnings nothing really, this is really cutesy fluff for heeseung tbh, best friends to lovers, mentions jeongin from skz and jongho from ateez, sorry jongho btw, mentions of getting ghosted?? is that a warning??, a cute kiss scene, hee’s kind of a dork but nothing new he always is

summary just like the weather, your friendship with heeseung has changed.

more HEYYY my first finished entry for my 1k event!! i’m really proud of this cause i fr wrote it in like an hour 👍👍 anyways this was the request! here u go bff @lvandrmoon

the breeze brushes through your hair and forces you to wrap your arms around yourself, your cardigan doing nothing to help the chill running down your spine.

it was mid october and the weather was finally cooling down to the point that something more than a flimsy sweater is needed to stay warm outside. the bench beneath you is cold on the skin of your bare thighs, your skirt only covering so much. it’s really pretty today, the sun bright in the sky and the oranges and browns of the leaves look extra vibrant, littering your campus nicely.

you watch as other students pass by, some rushing to get to their next class and others leisurely strolling, most likely enjoying the scenery much like you. you think to yourself that this weather would go great with a hot cocoa and someone to cuddle up to, especially when you see the plethora of couples walking around today.

a warm body slides onto the bench beside you, its arm resting on the back. you look at him from your peripheral and can’t help the smile that creeps its way onto your face. he stares back at you, expression mirroring your own.

he looks so cute today, dressed in cargo pants and a flannel. you think your heart might stop right here and right now. his beauty was unmatched and it was gut wrenching how in love with him you were. you could look into his eyes for hours and never get tired. it sucked that all you’d ever be to him was just a friend.

you’ve known lee heeseung since you were 12 years old. you met him in 6th grade english class when your teacher assigned you as table partners. both of you were really awkward and didn’t know how to communicate with someone of the opposite gender. but when you finally had to work together on a project, it turned out the two of you had more in common than you thought. from then on, you became inseparable. no one ever saw heeseung without you and no one ever saw you without heeseung.

even as you grew older, went through puberty, went into high school, went into university, that fact never changed. nothing could come between you.

“good morning, y/n,” he finally says, stretching out his limbs a bit and then apologizing profusely when he almost trips someone. “how was your 8 am?”

“decent, i guess. i slept through the last 30 minutes.” you admit sheepishly.

he gasps dramatically, grabbing both of your shoulders and pulling you closer to him than what was deemed necessary. (not that him grabbing your shoulders in the first place was necessary.) your noses are only inches from touching and you can see the flecks of honey brown swimming in his mocha colored eyes from this proximity. you’ve never been this close to him in your near decade long friendship.

heeseung blinks at you, unsure what he should do. does he kiss you? does he push you away to save face and avoid ruining what you already have? does he confess his undying love to you? despite telling each other everything, there was one massive secret that lee heeseung was keeping from you. and it was how utterly and irrevocably in love he was with you.

he figured it out junior year of high school when yang jeongin asked you to be his date to homecoming. he didn’t know why it bothered him so much that someone else was taking you. he knew as your best friend, he should’ve been supportive. he knew he should’ve encouraged you, especially because you had been so upset over getting ghosted by choi jongho, who was a senior at the time. you were hoping that he’d ask you.

at first he thought the ugly feeling in his stomach stemmed from the fact that he considered jeongin one of his close friends and didn’t think to consult with him about asking you out first. then he thought it was because he was his friend, and he didn’t want to be forced to choose sides if things ended badly. he’d always pick your side anyway, even if you happened to be in the wrong. and that’s when he started spiraling and the realization hit him.

the tightness in his chest wasn’t because he was a protective best friend. it was simply because he was jealous. he was jealous that he wasn’t the one taking you. he was jealous that he wasn’t the one who was going to match his tie with your dress. he was jealous that he wasn’t the one you were going to cling to all night. and it was because he was in love with you.

so as you both sit here on this bench in the middle of campus, gazing into each other’s eyes filled with too many emotions to decipher and leaves falling around you, you come to a collective decision wordlessly. heeseung leans into you slowly and you follow his lead, afraid of making the wrong move and messing everything up.

the wind blows by again and you shiver, causing him to move his hands from your shoulders to cup your cheeks, his thumbs caressing the skin to warm you up as best he can. his eyes dart from yours to your lips, a silent question that has you nodding almost desperately.

when your lips meet, you think to yourself that you can die a happy woman. a delightful buzz courses through your veins all the way to your fingertips. you don’t even feel cold anymore, hot to the touch from kissing heeseung. you wish you could freeze time and stay in this moment forever, holding onto each other like you were the other’s lifeline. everything feels complete for once, like you’ve finally found the missing piece of a puzzle you couldn’t solve.

and heeseung feels the exact same way.

#yeonjunszn.1k✨#enhypen x reader #enhypen drabbles #enha x reader #enha drabbles #enhypen lee heeseung x reader #enhypen heeseung x reader #lee heeseung x reader #lee heeseung drabbles #heeseung x reader #heeseung drabbles #yeonjunszn

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mothguillotine · 10 months ago

Text

II.

On your first week of school, you truly tried your best to be a good teacher, took house points and gave them, and gave numerous talking to’s. Many of them are to Ron’s older brothers, Fred and George. They had a tendency to pull devious pranks throughout the school. One time you found them attempting to pour a whole bunch of water in the hall with the intent of freezing it so people would slip and fall. Each time you found them outside of class and today was like no other.

Walking down the hallway you see the two of them huddled together looking at a piece of parchment, on which was a map of the school with names of students and teachers. Your eyes find Harry, Hermione, and Ron first. They are by themselves, definitely not in class, with another person, a student you assume.

“Ahem,” you clear your throat to which they turn around, “shouldn’t you boys be in class?”

“Yes, you are completely right mam’,” one of them says, while the other slips the map into his robes, to which you pay no mind.

“Go back to class before I take any house points,” you tell them.

Knowing that your aunt would never answer your questions truthfully, you look for them alone. Newspaper clippings you found were the only reliable thing really. Many of the names on the back of the picture were no longer alive or worse. The main concern you drew from the news clippings was Sirius Black. He had betrayed Harry's parents ultimately getting them killed and then proceeded to kill twelve muggles and a wizard named Peter Pettigrew. The name you recognized from the back of the photo.

Throughout the beginning of the year, you could only focus on getting answers and your students but now you had read everything there was and your only escape from the halls of Hogwarts is your weekend trips to Hogsmeade. The fresh air made you forget your worries, only if for a bit. It was nice to visit each of the small shops each week and drink at the tavern as well.

On a brisk day sometime in mid-October you visit the village. As always you visit the shops, socializing with the owners and making your purchases. Nearing the end of the day you see something peculiar on your way to the tavern for your weekend butterbeer, a dog. Not just any dog but the one you would see frequently around Hermione's cat, Crookshanks. You watch as he stalks in the shadows and moves briskly towards the tree line after a moment.

After a few weeks, you allow yourself to let go of any questions you may have because there is nothing else to read or learn from. While you were so absorbed in your research you hadn't realized that Halloween was this weekend. You missed celebrating Halloween, all of the pumpkin carving, trick or treating, and of course dressing up. Each day leading up to Halloween the third years became increasingly excited, as that day was the first time they could go to Hogsmeade.

You were also excited because you planned on staying back this weekend to grade in the library, which was usually full of students, and was sure to be nearly empty. On Sunday most of the students leave to visit the village in their non-school clothes. You go to the library which as expected has only a few students in it as well as the librarian, Madame Pirce. As the day passes you grade students quizzes, many of whom do not understand how to properly label a plant diagram.

As you finish grading all of the work you resign yourself to your room for the night, on the way up the stairs you hear a ruckus. It's coming from the Gryffindor dormitory and by the sounds of it, it’s not good. As you rush up the stairs so do more students, blocking your view of the situation. When you finally push your way through the mass of students, some of whom were not even in Gryffindor, you see it. The portrait that is the entrance for the students has giant tears through the canvas, the woman who is usually the guard, is gone. Not good.

“Keep calm, everyone,” Percy says, “Ravenclaws, back to your common room.”

You usher the Ravenclaws down the stairs and see Dumbledore and Finch coming up to investigate. Some of the Ravenclaws keep looking back, full of curiosity.

“Come on,” you tell them, “It’s none of your concern.”

After you return the Ravenclaws to their rooms you find out what happened. Sirius Black was here, in the castle. Really not good. That night the Gryfindors are barred entry from their dorms, instead sleeping on cots in the Great Hall.

That night you look again at the picture and in it, you find a young man. He doesn't look as though he could be a mass murderer, he looks charming and handsome. But you suppose that's how some people get their victims. At a quidditch match not long after Halloween Harry got severely injured. You stood next to Ron and Hermione, excited to see him play in a game for the first time.

“Go, Harry!” Hermione shouts as Harry whooshes by on his broom, “Go, Harry!”

You all watch as he narrowly misses a downed broomstick, cheering when he escapes it narrowly. Then he flies past the viewing towers, outside of the arena. He flies up into the clouds chasing the Slytherin seeker chasing the snitch.

“I hope he's okay!” you shout to his best friends over the sound of cheering.

“Me too!” Ron shouts over Hermione, who gives him an annoyed look.

You all return your attention to the game until you see Harry falling from the sky. You nearly miss it, too focused on the game until Ron shouts, “Harry!”

Harry is luckily saved in the nick of time and taken to the infirmary. Where you and some of his teammates, as well as Ron and Hermione are all gathered. Madame Pompfry is non too pleased to have so many people in the room but allows it given you are there as well to keep them in line.

“He looks a bit peaky doesn't he?” Ron asks.

“Peaky?” “What’d you expect?” Fred and George ask at the same time.

“He fell over a hundred feet,” Fred says.

“Yeah, come on Ron,” George says, backing up his twin, “let’s walk you off the astronomy tower and see what you look like.”

“Probably a right sight,” Harry says groggily. “Better than he normally does.”

Everyone laughs at this, “Guys, give him some space,” you laugh.

“Thank you, Professor Figg,” Harry says sincerely and everyone backs away except Hermione, who continues to sit on the side of the bed.

“How are you feeling?” she asks.

“Oh, brilliant,” he says sarcastically.

“A right good scare there, mate,”

“What happened?” Harry asks.

“Well… you fell off your broom,” Ron says.

“Really?” Harry asks, “I meant the match. Who won?”

Hermione stands off the bed, “Um… no one blames you, Harry. Dementors aren’t supposed to come inside the grounds. Dumbledore was furious. As soon as he saved you, he sent them straight off.”

The following weeks at Hogwarts were full of security and terror. But as the weeks passed, people soon forgot, instead focusing on happier things, such as the impending winter break. Snow had started to gather this morning and it had been clear this was here to stay. Even though you still had a month left until many students went home you could sense the unrest.

Grabbing the book that you had been reading you make your way to the Great Hall to eat dinner. The end of the day was welcome to you as had been the upcoming weekend. You were starting to feel burnt out and a little time away from the castle was much needed.

The following day you head down to Hogsmeade like usual the day is a welcome distraction from the confusion of your personal life. While the day started like no other during your walk to the tavern you felt a pair of eyes watching you. While the bright Christmas lights strung up around the village lit the street it did very little for the shadows beyond the multicolored lights. You take out your wand and walk over to the darkness. As you slowly approach you can't help but second guess yourself, you were not an Auror, you couldn’t fight, but as much as you wanted to turn back you persisted, drawing further away from the light and into the dark.

“Lumos,” you say facing your wand into the darkness which is soon filled with light from your wand. The pair of eyes you immediately identify as a large dog, the same one you had seen with Crookshanks. As much as you want to relax, after all, it’s just a dog, but you can’t help but feel as though the dog isn’t quite right. Their eyes seemed too human for your liking but before you could continue studying the dog, it runs off into the woods. You decide to chase after the dog, running through the snow and into the woods with your wand handy.

The light that illuminates from your wand pushes the shadows of the forest back and shows you the trail the dog left in its wake. Following the trail you arrive at a clearing in the woods and you can see your target, you quickly flick your wand and the light shuts off. In the clearing, the dog seems to stop for a second and you hide behind a tree. Your heart is beating fast and you can't understand why. It's just a dog… right?

You peek your head out from the side of the tree, the dog seems to be pacing. Rays of light peak through the canopy of trees bouncing off the snow, almost glowing. The dog continues to go back and forth, maybe you had overreacted. Now absolutely nothing seemed to be out of the ordinary with the dog. Still, you can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong. Watching the dog for a bit longer you nearly convince yourself to leave, the keyword being almost. Just as you are about to turn away you watch in horror as the dog transforms into the most wanted man at the moment and not in a good way, Sirius Black. Now you knew you had to get out of there not only for your protection but Harry’s as well. You had to warn him, you had to warn everyone.

As you turn you suddenly step on a branch, you had thought things like this only happened in horror movies, but a loud *CRACK* comes from under your foot. You turn only to find the man already behind you, so he simply takes your wand from your hand.

“Listen,” you tell him backing away, “I really don’t wanna die, I have so much to live for.”

“Who are you?” he asks.

“I- I'm a professor at the school,” you say continuing to back away to which your foot catches on a root. As you fall back he quickly grabs your arm and saves you from injury. Which is strange, you stop and think for a second. Why didn’t he attack you? Like right away? Why hasn’t he attacked anyone yet? That what you would expect from an insane person is just violence with no reason.

“I’m gonna confess that I am very confused right now,” you tell him, “I’ve been told you are a crazed killer but- that just doesn't make any sense. I’ve seen you with Hermione's cat on campus and you have had opportunities to attack.”

You look at him confused, both of you standing much too close to each other. “Why haven't you?”

“I didn’t do it.”

You had read all of the newspaper articles, you knew that he professed his innocence until they sent him to Azkaban. Maybe the truth wasn't so black and white as you once believed.

“Who did?” you ask him.

“Peter Pettigrew,” he says with venom lacing his voice.

“I thought he died?” you ask him.

“No, he is at the school this very moment,” he tells you.

“What do you mean?” you ask him, “Surely someone would recognize him.”

“He is the rat,” he tells you, which you don't quite get at first.

“Well, I know he is a rat he killed twelve muggles and got Harry’s parents killed,” you exclaim.

“No, I mean he is literally a rat,” he tells you.

“Oh, oh fuck, he's an animagus?” you say quietly to which he nods, “How do you know?”

“The Daily Prophet,” he says, “There was a picture and I recognized him instantly.”

You suddenly remember Ron telling you all about how his family was in the paper, you remember seeing the newspaper. Ron was proud of the accomplishment and even more proud of the fact that his pet rat, Scabbers, was in the picture as well.

“Yeah, I think I know where he is,” you tell him, “One of Harry's best friends has a pet rat of course, who has had an unusually long life span of twelve years.”

“What did you say your name was?” he asks you.

“Oh, I don't think I said,” you tell him, “y/n Figg.”

“Are you related to Arabella Figg?” he asks you, looking a bit surprised.

“I was adopted by her older sister after I was born, my Aunt Sylvia,” you tell him, “My mom died right after I was born, I never knew her.”

“I’m so sorry for your loss,” he consuls, “I wish I could have been there for Harry when he lost his parents, alas I was locked up.”

“Harry is truly wonderful,” you tell him, “he and his friends get into so much trouble together, despite everything he has gone through he is just such a sweet kid.”

“I’ve seen him around,” Sirius says sadly, “he looks just like his father.”

“Do you want me to tell you about him?” you ask.

“More than anything,” he responds.

So you do, that night you both sit on a log and you tell him about Harry and his life. Everything that you know about him you spill. How he did in class last year made him smile, hearing that he and his friends would commonly sneak off looking for trouble made him realize just how similar he was to his father. You told him about Harry’s fight with the basilisk as well, he looked horrified that he would put himself in danger but had a hint of pride on his face. As time passed and it grew later and later you realized that you would have to leave soon.

“I’m sorry but I have to go,” you tell him standing, “I will come back next weekend with some new clothes and some food.”

“What?” he asks, “You don't have to do that.”

You look him up and down, “Trust me you do. Anyhow, do you want me to bring scissors so I can cut your hair?”

“Uh, sure,” he says to you.

“Okay, Saturday next week,” you tell him beginning to walk in the direction you came from.

“Miss Figg?” he calls to you, “Won’t you need this?”

You turn around and realize he still has your wand. Embarrassingly you walk back over to him and grab the wand, “Thank you.”

Masterlist

#fanfiction #y/n #reader #sirius black x reader #sirius black #harry potter #harry potter fanfiction #slow burn #fluff

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milandsk · 11 months ago

Text

Ineffable Girlfriends | F!Aziraphale x F!Crowley | Ballet AU

(they're just teenage girls, happy ah fanfic because we're children of divorce, leave me alone)

⭑˚₊‧° ♢ 𓆩♡𓆪 ♢ °‧₊˚⭑

When Aziraphale walked into the studio there were already ballerinas from other private school. She couldn't help but notice how dark-themed their leotards were.

“Aziraphale! How nice of you to come.” her headmaster Gabriel said.

“Why wouldn't I?” she didn't really like him.

He just chuckled and pointed to a short person next to him.

“I want you to meet someone. This is Beelzebub, headmistress from the other school.”

The individual came closer and Azi shook their hand.

“It’s nice to meet you.”

“It’s very nice to meet you too.”

Azi smiled politely. Gabriel and Beelzebub looked at each other with mysterious expressions.

“I think it's time to let the students know of our decisions.” said Gabriel. He clapped his hands getting everybody's attention.

“Come here guys! We got something to say.”

Blonde girl stood weirdly by Beelzebub's side while the other students mixed with each other, trying to get the closest to the headmasters. She noticed tall girl standing next to her. She raised her head to look at her. She had red hair tied into a messy ponytail. When she looked at her Azi shyly looked down at the floor.

“Together we made a decision for the two main roles of the Royal Opera House play to be distributed between the two schools. Which means the roles would be Aziraphale as the White Swan and Crowley as the Black Swan.

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Crowley didn't find that surprising at all. She was the best and she deserved this role.

She has heard of Aziraphale before - the best ballerina at the Heaven’s Private School of Ballet.

The headmasters finished announcing the other roles.

“We’ll start the rehearsals in half an hour.”

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After four hours of training Azi could feel her whole body becoming sore. The next few months are going to be amazing, won't they?

They only practiced scenes from the first act today so she didn't have the chance to rehearse with the other lead. There was a possibility they wouldn't meet each other at all at the rehearsals because Black Swan appears later on.

Blonde girl felt both anxiety and excitement in her chest. Over the last few years she became less and less interested in dancing. Her pressuring parents gave her the ultimatum - if she'll do good at ballet this last school year they will let her go study English Philology at the expensive university. Getting the leading role was already half of the success.

She walked out of the building, heading towards the metro station. Even though it was mid-October the night was so cold Azi regretted that she only wore a thin coat.

She put on her headphones and headed into the city.

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The next day Crowley walked into the Heaven’s Private School of Ballet. She would much rather prefer if the rehearsals were in her school. Yesterday she just went in after her headmistress and she didn't think of remembering the way into the studio. She was relieved when she heard footsteps at the end of the hallway.

The girl had blonde - almost white - fluffy hair and was walking with her headphones on. She was that short ballerina from yesterday, Crowley finally realised.

“Hey” she shouted “lead girl!”

The girl took off her headphones and turned around confused. Crowley quickly walked up to her.

“Sorry, I don't know which way to go.”

“Oh!” Azi exclaimed “I can show you.”

“Thanks.”

Two of the girls began to walk. The headphones on Azi’s neck were still making a quiet noise.

“I love that song.”

“What?”

“I said I love that song, ‘Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy’.” Crowley nodded at Azi’s headphones.

“Really? You know them?”

“Of course.”

Blonde girl smiled.

“I'm Azi by the way, I'm playing the-”

“-White Swan” Crowley finished. “Yeah, I know. I'm Crowley. I play the part of Black Swan.” She said carelessly with her hands in her pockets.

Azi’s smile widened.

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Over the next two months they occasionally talked and against the belief that two of the leads from two different schools would be rivals - they actually didn't mind each other at all. Azi didn't even realise when going to practice became something to look forward to. She didn't think of Crowley as her best friend or someone close to her but whenever she saw even a glimpse of her dancing for some reason she couldn't resist staring at her. She always wanted Crowley to start a conversation with her but when that happened she was being all nervous and sweaty. But then again when they didn't talk she was disappointed and wished to just spend some time with her? Azi thought that it was because she hated her but she genuinely liked her. She was confused.

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It was evening when Crowley walked into the studio. It was the day off so no one was there and she could practice in peace. She put her bag on the floor and took off her coat. The air ventilation working was the only sound breaking the silence. After stretching she began to dance her parts in quietness.

“Hi.” She heard a voice say.

Redhead stopped her turns and looked startled in the voice’s direction. Aziraphale had her blonde waves loose. Crowley only now noticed how natural and pretty they looked.

“I assume you're also here to practice after hours.” remarked Azi since the girl didn't respond. That was really stupid thing to say and she felt a little embarrassed.

“Yeah.” answered Crowley while making intense eye contact.

The girls rehearsed and didn't look at each other - at least not when the other was looking.

“Shit” Azi muttered quietly after a while. Crowley glanced at her in the mirror. Blonde girl placed her hands on her hips and breathed deeply. For some reason Crowley couldn't ignore her. She pulled herself together.

“Do you need help?” Why did she ask that?

“Oh… if you don't mind.”

Crowley walked up to her. Only two of them in a room. Azi shyly looked down.

“Um- There's a turn… I- For some reason I can't do that.” she stuttered.

Crowley came closer and stood behind Azi facing the mirror.

When Azi started turning Crowley was touching her waist helping her turn. After she finished Azi's face lit up. She turned around.

“Oh my God, it worked-” Crowley was so close, Azi could feel her breath touch her skin. Air ventilation still humming. Crowley's hands still on Azi's waist.

Blonde girl looked at her waist just realising that. Other girl softened her grip, hands falling loosely to Azi's hipbones. Crowley scanned her face trying to see any sign of disagreement.

She looked into redhead’s eyes feeling her cheeks becoming pink. She gently cupped Crowley's face, losing herself in her green eyes.

“Can I kiss you?” asked Crowley.

“Please do.” she whispered.

Crowley closed the remaining distance between their faces. At first it was just the soft brush against Azi's lips. She wanted to kiss her again but she backed up.

“I'm sorry,” said blonde girl avoiding eye contact. “I have to go.”

With that said she quickly grabbed her bag and rushed out the door.

Crowley was left alone.

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Azi couldn't sleep. She thought about this whole night. They were supposed to be friends, nothing more. And definitely not that.

She had to focus on the play, with everything at stake she couldn't afford to get distracted. It's a promise she made to herself.

Next day in the evening she went again to the studio. She told herself that it is to practice but secretly she hoped to see Crowley again.

In the hallway she already heard shuffling in the room. She stopped walking and took a deep breath. All of the sudden her mind had gone empty. She didn't know what to say - but most importantly - she didn't know what she wanted. The thought of Crowley’s hands on her waist made her chest heavy but in a good way.

She knew that it was just irrational distraction however she couldn't help the way she reacted to her.

Azi opened the door - there's no going back. When Crowley noticed her she stopped what she was doing. She didn't expect her. The redhead went for her bag wanting to leave.

“Don't go.” Azi stopped her.

Crowley stared at her, not saying anything.

“I'm sorry for yesterday.” she continued.

“You already said that.” replied Crowley “And you don't have to apologize.”

“I have to.” said Azi with a firm voice “I didn't mean to run out on you like that. I just… I guess I wasn't expecting that.”

Crowley nodded her head.

“But I enjoyed it. A lot.” Azi remarked shyly while the other girl came closer.

“I liked it too.”

They were just a few steps away from each other.

“I was scared that you would be a distraction to me, you know?” blonde girl said.

“I get that.” Crowley smirked “Aren't you scared anymore?”

Azi closed the remaining distance between them while looking up at her.

“I am.” she replied ”But I think you're a worth it distraction.”

Crowley smiled.

“Can I kiss you?” asked quietly Azi.

“Of course.”

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basicallyahedgehog · 2 years ago

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A Year Of Me

I have a 2022 in fic post half-finished for later, but I’m feeling self-indulgent and also sappy from some sweet messages. So I’m doing this too.

I walked into 2022 identifying as a cisgender, heterosexual, allosexual, alloromantic woman. I would have told you I was an LGBTQIA+ ally, but I honestly knew very little about the community, our history, or anything related to transition, coming out, etc etc etc.

I read queer fanfic like it was an illicit drug - terrified of being caught, but even more afraid of having it taken away. I trawled tags and realists and bookmarks for characters that were trans, nonbinary, ace, and every other form of queer identity I could think of. I tried to ignore how much they felt like home.

In March I came out to myself,y husband and my mum as ace. For the first time in a very long time I didn’t feel like I was broken just because I didn’t want what the world told me I should. I wasn’t a bad wife, I was ace. It was freeing.

On the 29th May I finally let myself think the words “I’m not Cis”. It took a few more weeks of trying out different things, but by mid-June I identified as nonbinary, used they/them pronouns, joined the most incredible group of people over at the magical trans server, and even came out to a couple of select coworkers. I wrote my first trans character, and got gifted the most beautiful ace fic that still makes me cry.

The months of July through October were murky and full of confusion and tears over my orientation and my gender - things I thought I’d figured out already. I realised I’m demiromantic, and also bi. I started wearing pronoun and pride pins to work, and found the two sweetest allies in my uni students.

I found the term “fluidflux” and cried. By mid-November I started playing around with pronouns again and settled on “genderfluid nonbinary” as a term that finally felt like all of me. I started a new job on the 28th. On the 29th I came out to my supervisor and team leader, gave them permission to tell relevant colleagues so I didn’t have to come out twenty times, and got my pronouns put on my email signature.

In December I’ve survived going stealth for a two week family holiday, chosen a new name, and been overwhelmed by the love and support flooding into my notifs and DMs.

I don’t know what 2023 will bring. I can’t imagine it bringing a greater number of discoveries than 2022, but I also know never to say never! I certainly know that I am so much more myself today than I was on Jan 1 2022.

I know this was super self indulgent. And if you made it this far, thank you. But also, thank you for all the love and support over the last 12 months. Without each and every person in my little fandom bubble, I wouldn’t be who I am today. Some have been particularly instrumental but I I start tagging I’m afraid I’ll miss someone. You know who you are.

So I’ll end this with all my love, and best wishes for a wonderful, authentic 2023

#hedgehog muses #this is so self indulgent #I’m so sorry #trans #queer #nonbinary #genderfluid #bi aroace

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squadron-goals · 1 year ago

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Finally a pilot!

19 November 1914

Before the war broke out I had already completed some training as a Taube pilot. My work as an observer during the war had taken all my time. But when the bad weather set in at the end of autumn and flying was often stopped for weeks, the urge to finish my training as a pilot awoke in me again. I came to the aviation park. I refused to go to a flying school in Germany. I also explained to my commander that I would like to continue to be an observer in the company because I would return as such immediately if I realized that I would only become a mediocre pilot. Luckily, I had one of our oldest pilots, the then park engineer Schlegel, as a teacher. His greatest advantage in teaching was that he tried to become completely familiar with the inner life of his student on the plane. Only in this way is it possible for the teacher to correctly understand a student's mistakes and then make them understandable to the student. I also have him to thank for the fact that I don't see the plane as a callous, dead mass, but always as a piece of life that should be one with me. Only those who treat their aircraft like a rider treats their horse will be able to become so attached to their bird that they will never feel more at home than when they are flying high over the terrain, away from the earth. Anyone who controls the steering wheel with a rough hand will never be able to fully understand their soul and become familiar with it. This is actually the first prerequisite for a good flyer! Just a few school flights with Schlegel were enough to instill in me confidence in my airplane. One day I was flying alone. I took it so much for granted that I didn't feel a certain feeling of insecurity for a moment. On the contrary, I've never been as proud and happy as I was on the day of my first solo flight and I would have liked to fly again straight away after the first smooth landing. if Schlegel hadn't braked with proper flying knowledge. In quick succession, I completed all my requirements in just a few days of flying. I flew all types of aircraft that were flown at the front at the time. In mid-January 1915 I was able to report to the department that I would now like to be requested as an aircraft pilot. Shortly before I returned to the department, Schlegel fell ill and I was supposed to take over flying in the aircraft for him. How proud I was of the trust that was placed in my flying skills! I believe that I did not disappoint my teacher; In addition, flying in the aircraft has the great advantage of perfecting my training even more.

19 January 1915

I'm a pilot! Yesterday I passed the last exam. As of today I wear the pilot badge! I have finally achieved what I had already strived for in peace time. Now I am a free flyer, independent of the will of anyone else on the plane. There were good reasons why I was so anxious to become a pilot myself: we had been stuck since October 1914. A war of movement was initially out of the question. My observation work didn't satisfy me at all; I was just being flown for a stroll, so to speak. I didn't really like my pilot either. After a hard fight, I got approval for my training. Now it's a success: I feel like a winner, so liberated inside!

#Rudolf Berthold

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samarawalkermedia320 · 2 months ago

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Cooks Beach Trip 2 Plan:

I plan on heading back over to Cooks Beach on Friday 4th of October. I will need to be efficient with my time while I am there given that I need to return home the following night because I am moving house on the Sunday. I have taken a look at the forecast and as of today the 1st of October, it doesn’t look great. Friday looks like the best time so I will aim to get there early afternoon to get started. From the evening on to Saturday, it looks like there will be a fair amount of cloud cover, hopefully giving away to some sun the morning of the 5th. Light rain is expected to come and go. I will keep an eye on this forecast in the coming days, as they often change closer to the time (hopefully for the better).

In this trip, I plan to take my experience from the first round and apply my new knowledge.

Plan:

Arrive early afternoon – head to lonely bay and the main beach to capture the long exposure shots I am wanting. This time with the ND filter and revised knowledge of best practices for long exposure.

Later afternoon – Low tide will be around 3pm on this day. This is when I will look out for items to use as subjects of my macro photography.

Late evening – when the sun has set but it is not entirely dark, I want to identify areas that would be good for astro photography. I am thinking that heading back up to Shakespeare cliff would be a good vantage point. Also, I could use some of the features up there as foreground for the image. I am also wanting to go to the estuary at this time for the same purpose. The tide will be in again by 9:15pm which will work well in my images.

Morning – Shakespeare cliff. Early morning shots from above Cooks Beach looking from Shakespeare cliff and possibly from the reserve look out on the other side as well to capture the landscape of the area.

Mid-morning – One thing I wasn’t able to do last time was head out on the water and get shots from off the beach. High tide on Saturday will be around 10:15am, a good time to launch the boat with my dad and head out. From here I will be able to get slightly offshore to get images looking back at the beach from a different vantage point that what I have been to capture from shore, as well as up the Purangi river to explore what I wasn’t able to before. This area is of particular importance to the narrative I want to tell in my finished work.

Rest of the day – Given that I am unsure of the weather at this stage, I will leave the rest of the day clear to capture any final shots that I need. It would also be interesting to travel across to Whitianga and visit the museum there and see if there are any features I can use in my work. I will stay until dark if I wasn’t able to capture any astrophotography the night before. If I am unable to do so on both nights I will have to scrap the idea, though I think would be a detriment to my overall narrative.

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jodilin65 · 34 years ago

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WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 31, 1990 I deliberately slept till 8:30 this evening as Andy and I couldn’t have auditioned cuz Andy’s without a car till it’s fixed. Brenda’s also without a car, but tomorrow morning at 7:00, she and Kevin are going to look at a car this guy’s selling for $600. Or, I should say instead, they’re going to pick it up. They’ve already seen the car. So anyway, I made myself sleep long and late to reverse my schedule for a week or so. Then it’ll go back to nights till I want to or need to reverse it again.

I’ll tape Unsolved Mysteries, but I’ll have to miss Hunter. I’m also gonna cancel Martha.

Early in the morning, Brenda’s gonna call me so I can get stamps to mail my mail which is all set and ready to go. Also, she’s going to take me to Food Mart, then when she brings me home I’m gonna do laundry.

Tonight I finished putting up my pictures in a different way and it looks really nice. I also changed the cat box and swept the kitchen floor. After I finish my tea, I’ll listen to some music and do some drawing.

Later…

John isn’t working today. Meanwhile, I tried to get a hold of Dr. Statz, but she’s on vacation I guess for a couple of weeks. I don’t know if I wrote about her but one of the 3 times I was in the ER, she treated me. I’m 100% sure the male nurse, working with her was gay and I’m about 85% sure she was gay. I was just totally touched by her and it was weird cuz she wasn’t overly attractive. There was just something about her, you know, like Linda’s song goes; It’s not that you’re attractive, but oh my heart grew active when you came into view. And I had a crush on her. Sweetie pie.

And ever since then, I haven’t forgotten about her. I can hear God too, saying, “Uh-uh, against the rules.” I think he wants me with someone less attractive so I can learn to look at only people’s personalities. But I’d never be with Brenda if she were a bad person. Maybe another reason God has is that if I get dumped, I won’t be as hurt as much as I would be if I were overwhelmed. I still long for that someone with the character and personality I most desire and to feel that special once-in-a-lifetime sexual spark.

Please, God, please! Answer my prayers. Do it someday very soon. Please. God, what if I made a deal with you right here in this book? And that deal is if I promise to try my hardest to quit smoking, then will you think about it? Also, a beginning break with my singing, then I’ll pursue it from there. I hope you put some big and serious consideration into my requests. If singing and having that special someone and a baby are 3 too many things to ask for, then I’ll understand. I’ll settle for the singing and the special person only and give up the baby without ever asking for anything else.

Later…

Around 9:00 this morning Kevin and Brenda came and got me and dropped me off at Food Mart. Then, I waited a good long exhausting wait while Brenda brought Kevin to Palmer, then back to pick me up. After she picked me up she brought me to Shopper’s where I got a photocopy made of my birth certificate and stamps for my mail which I mailed in the box right outside the store.

While waiting for Brenda at Food Mart I saw Allison. We spoke briefly and she said she’d give me a call soon.

So all my errands are done except for Friday when I get the pigs more food and their big bail of sawdust. I still need to call Philip and John and tomorrow I’m definitely, no matter what, going to go see Paula. Jessie’s probably gonna call today. She’s another one I need to see, and she and Brenda can meet each other.

I finally got back here at 10:30 this morning and I fell asleep till 3:30. I’m exhausted but I’m gonna stay this way so that at 11:00 tonight, after Hunter, I can go to sleep. I better not wake up either, like around 3:00 in the morning and not be able to go back to sleep till 6:00 or 7:00, then sleep till mid-late afternoon. I want to be up in the mornings from tomorrow until next Tuesday. That means the next 5 mornings.

Later…

When I got up I made a pork chop and some angel hair pasta and got a call from my sister. Tammy said Ma said to her, “I don’t want Jodi alone for her b-day, Chanukah or Thanksgiving.”

Tammy also said Ma said to drive in and get me in the morning and bring me back the next day. Tammy said she then tried to explain to Mom that it’s impossible with 3 kids, the business, and with Bill working till 6:30 at night. Then Tammy said Ma pulled her typical line of, “Good-bye, Tammy.”

I guess Ma fails to remember that I’m not alone. I’m not single anymore and my girlfriend is fully willing to drive me down this Saturday and for Thanksgiving and also for my birthday and Chanukah which Tammy says she’ll combine into one big party. I mean, Tammy’s right. She can’t up and go drive for that amount of time and it’s pretty strange why Ma’s so concerned about me not being alone for all these things.

I’ve spent them alone before but then again when your own God damn aunt and uncle invite you over for Thanksgiving like they did last year, then conveniently forget to call you and pick you up, that’s not my fault, is it?

Another thing Tammy mentioned is that Ma bragged about all this time she was gonna spend with Tammy, Bill and the kids which turned out to be a joke. Tammy said she wanted to spend the day with me. HA. It was a wonderful hour we had.

All I can say is, I’ve had it with this family shit and I don’t wanna know from nothing. I haven’t had to deal with it for 5 years and I’m not about to deal with it now. Also, I’m not going to Florida either. A week’s vacation isn’t worth a week of her bullshit along with it. I mean, that’s not how my vacation packages or anyone else’s should be. Really, if it were an ad it’d read like this: We’ll give you a week’s free vacation with all expenses paid, but the catch is that you must put up with Dureen O’s bullshit.

Another case of taking the bad with the good. Fuck that!

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 30, 1990 I wish I was just waking up, but instead, I am wide awake. I slept till 6pm. I’ve been so zonked out cuz I’ve had to be up at a certain time for a certain reason and wasn’t getting enough hours of sleep.

I have many errands to do such as buying pig and cat food. I also need a bail of sawdust, stamps, and to make a photocopy of my birth certificate.

The mouse, who’s getting bigger, is now riding his wheel, and boy is Shadow ever getting big fast.

Andy came over earlier and we made some phone calls to people who had ads in the Advocate to sell things.

Andy’s really upset. He’s having trouble with Miles. Needs to find a job. Needs to pay bills. Got in a car accident which he’s going to have to pay almost $1,000 to fix. It’s not fair that some drunken girl, who did get arrested, slammed into a parked car, then Andy slammed into her, yet Andy’s at fault. He was wearing his seatbelt and the scary thing is, is that if I was in the car, I probably wouldn’t have had my seatbelt on and I’d have gone through the windshield. Who knows how many stitches I’d have to have gotten in my face. There are so many fucked up drivers it’s amazing. And very, very scary, too.

I’m so pissed at myself cuz I just remembered I was supposed to have called Philip 3 days ago, and John, and see Paula.

Later…

I’m writing here on the waterbed and I put the mouse on the floor inside his plastic ball, and Shadow’s having a hell of a time watching him and wishing so desperately to play with him. Or eat him. It’s quite a funny sight to see when he’s in his ball running around with Shadow chasing him. It also was so cute when Shadow was sitting in Toffee’s cage. He doesn’t want to harm the other animals, but he may accidentally cuz his playing may be too rough for them cuz he claws and bites.

Those drawings I did really blew my mind. I never could draw a line on a piece of paper before and I feel good yet weird. It’s like - what’s next? I discover one thing after another I can do. If not perfectly, then better than most.

Here comes Shadow once again to enjoy Gremlin after taking a dump in his shit box.

Me and Andy may possibly go to an audition together early this evening so I hope I get some sleep before then. Right now I’m gonna go listen to music. I haven’t listened at all today. After that, hopefully, I’ll get some sleep, get up early in the afternoon and get my errands done, call John and Philip and maybe even see Paula.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 27, 1990 I fell asleep at 5:30 PM after being up 21½ hours and of course, almost an hour ago I woke right up. I was kind of hoping I’d sleep till 5 AM. Anyway, guess what I’m doing today at 9 AM? Taking the police exam. I called Boston after talking to Tony today out here on Locust St. during a car accident. He said the people weren’t hurt too bad and that it had to do with insurance and he was tired of supporting the welfare recipients. So, I mentioned the exam to him and some other cop and they said that maybe the test was canceled due to all the layoffs, and to call Boston and check. When I called, I told the woman I never received my notice and she said that they did have trouble with their mailings and asked me for my social security number. I gave it to her and then she read back my name and address and said it was tomorrow morning at 9 AM. It’s at Converse High on State St. They allow you 3 hours for the test, but you’re free to leave when you’re done. There are 100 questions which means I cannot get more than 30 wrong. She said it’ll be 120 days before they mail me my marks. That’s 4 months, unfortunately, and she says there are around 2000 people taking the test. Lastly, she said to bring a birth certificate, a photo ID, and some number 2 pencils. Brenda took me to Shopper’s Drug where she met Emily and Emily gave me the pencils. Well, I bought them, of course. And a pack of cigarettes like a jerk.

I was going to go to Tammy’s tomorrow but Brenda’s got a visit with her kids she can’t cancel and Bill’s here tomorrow and Monday. Maybe Tuesday. Tammy’s gonna be pissed and I understand that and I’m dying to see Sarah, but this test only comes up once every two years.

Later…

It definitely doesn’t look like I’m going back to sleep so I’ll write for a while. I’ve got a CD playing. Fleetwood Mac’s Greatest Hits. It’s pretty good. I like most of the songs on it. Some are boring.

Tomorrow, after the test, I’ve still got to get pig food and a heavyweight bowl for Tigger. I’m getting pretty sick of him either knocking it over or slamming it up against the side of his cage. I’ve got to get food for Gremlin and Shadow, too. Also stamps and paper plates. And it’s also about time to buy another big bail of sawdust. There’s always something to buy. Such as Gloria’s new record.

I think maybe I’ll go hem some more of those pants Kacey gave me.

Later…

Well, I didn’t hem the pants. One pair didn’t quite fit since I gained weight, but I just took my measurements and I’ve gone down an inch since 3 days ago when I started exercising my ass off and taking Slim-Fast. I did, however, hem an old shirt that was almost to my ankles. I brought it up to mid-thigh length. It came out better than I’d thought but I’ll have Brenda check it out to make sure it’s not crooked. I’m not too thrilled with the way it falls but I’ll ask Brenda.

After I take my shower I’m gonna put another coat of nail polish on and I’m not sure yet what I’ll wear. Something casual. I hope after the test and my errands are done that I can catch a couple of hours of sleep so I can go out to the Halloween party at the Pub tonight. I want to wear my new black lace skirt. Part of me hopes Brenda ends up too tired to go so I can observe others without her observing me observe others. But then again we mutually do look at other women and we’re honest with each other. In the long run, Brenda will never have anything to worry about cuz gay women, of course, are a major turn-off to me in general, and it’s against the rules for me to have someone I’m attracted to. Oh well. At least God allows people to be attracted to me which is nice as long as it’s not major sickos. I mean, everyone gets that here and there, but the good thing is, is that as time goes on I’m having an easier time getting better people even if I don’t quite meet my desired standards.

Ok, time for my second coffee, then my shower.

Later…

Brenda dropped me off at 8:30 this morning, and they made everyone who didn’t get their notice to appear for the test go into a room, and they gave us an “appear” card after checking to see if our names were on the list, and also our photo IDs and birth certificates, in which I’ve got to photocopy and mail to Boston.

They had us print and write our names and they compared them with our signatures on our licenses.

There were several butches there and I got stared down good by guys and butches. This Hispanic girl was sitting next to me. I’m not sure, but I think she was gay with the way she gave me this huge smile and waved at me the second I walked in. I sat next to her and we chatted here and there before the test. She urged me to choose South Hadley for 1 of my 4 choices of cities or towns I wanted to work in. My first choice was Springfield, however, and I had no choice cuz you had to pick, for first choice, the place you lived in for the last 12 months. My second choice was East Longmeadow. I would’ve chosen Longmeadow, but it wasn’t listed. My third choice was West Springfield. My fourth choice was Chicopee.

Another thing was that there were two classroom monitors. One man, one woman. The woman constantly stared at me. I caught her once and her face turned bright red. Then after the test, as I was leaving, I could see her grinning to herself with the same red face.

We didn’t start the test till 9:30 and I finished at almost 12:30. I’m not sure whether I passed or failed. There were some tricky questions that I had to go over and over. I’ll know sometime in February. I am anxious though and never have wanted to speed up time so badly in my life. I usually don’t care about time or wish I could stop it and drop dead.

The landlord will be here any minute to fix the heat. Today and all last night I froze my ass off.

I told Tammy I’d be down next weekend and she said she wasn’t mad and that she understood and to think positive about the test.

After the landlord leaves, I hope I can catch a few hours of sleep so I can go out tonight.

I called Philip and told him about the test and he’s happy about it and he asked me to keep him posted. He also told me to call him tomorrow. I called John too, and he was both pleased and proud. Then lastly, I spoke with Andy.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 26, 1990 I’m going nuts just sitting around here, so since I can’t have music, I’ve got to find something. Those dickheads never sent me my notice for the police exam, but I figured as much to begin with. I don’t know who’s responsible, therefore, I don’t know who to call to bitch about it. Oh well, like I said, I figured I’d never be notified just like I knew I’d never get that security job at Mercy with John.

Why is it that anything I’d be good at and want to do I just can’t? It just wasn’t meant to be. If I was smart, a long time ago I’d have chosen a career I hate, never want to have a baby and if I’m ever single again, I’d pick all the ones I don’t want or that are just ok. Actually, they pick me, so I should say.

Later…

I tried calling Philip about the stereo but he’s not at work and not answering his phone at home.

Today, I’m gonna go to Food Mart for cat food, stamps, and paper plates. Also, I want to go to Brightwood Hardware in Longmeadow for pig and mice food.

I’m getting tired as hell but I want to push it as far as I can so I sleep somewhat into the night. With my luck, however, after 3 or 4 hours of sleep, I’ll bolt wide awake and not be able to fall back asleep.

I’m really starting to want to work. I need extra money and this being at home all the time bit is really getting to me. But since I can’t sing or be a cop and am too chicken to drive the cab, what can I do other than McDonald’s or something really boring and stupid?

I’m gonna call apartment rental people for general information about duplexes. I know I can never afford it, but it never hurts to get some information. I’ll go get the yellow pages.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 25, 1990 I’m still wide awake and probably will be for a while. I’m just having a grand old time with the new phone. There’s a mute button on it too, and you don’t need to keep holding it down like you do on most other phones. You hit it once and a red light glows which tells you it’s in use, and to discontinue the mute, you hit it again and the red light goes off.

A little while ago I listened to the 45 of the song Take a Chance On Me by ABBA. I bought it today at One Stop Records. I always liked that song and I used to have that record. I don’t know whatever happened to it, along with tons of other records. They either got old or I got sick of them or they were stolen.

Later…

Why, oh, why didn’t I stay the fuck off cigarettes!?! I had 3 cigarettes in 1 week and here I go and smoke a whole pack yesterday and today I’ve had close to a pack. What a jerk, huh? I’m gonna go chuck the rest of my pack, try again till I absolutely can’t fight the urge to smoke, and listen to music.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 24, 1990 Well, I’m going to need to go to sleep as soon as possible so in order to help myself sleep, I’m gonna listen to music for a while.

Tomorrow morning I’ve got to call Philip about fixing my stereo. I can’t put it off any longer.

Also, I see Martha at 4:00. I’m not sure if I mentioned it but I think she just may have a thing for me. It’s just this feeling I get and it’s also certain things she says and certain ways she says things. Oh well. Of course, I’ll keep my mouth shut about it. She is married, after all, and she also swore she never mixes business with pleasure and that’s fine and respected by me.

I want to go to Caldor’s too, to see if Gloria’s new album is out. I’m not sure of the name of it and it’s not new songs. They’re all old hits, but they’re in Spanish.

Later…

I just finished killing a spider, which like most spiders, was on the ceiling. I sprayed it with lots of Lysol and perfume to get it down so I could swat it.

Today I got this awesome and I mean totally awesome speakerphone I ordered last week. Now I need to make 4 payments of $22 but it’s worth it. I love it. I can be doing something like writing or making coffee and still talking to someone. Also, I can play people the edits which they can hear well and hear their reactions, and if it’s an answering machine, I can hear it beep when it ends. Another thing too, is if my call waiting beeps, I’ll hear that too.

This insurance company’s got a hell of a long machine. Brenda and I passed it on the way home from Baystate Waste after I saw Martha and I said to myself, “I bet they have a machine.”

By the way, Martha definitely has no desire for a woman. She’s 100% straight as an arrow.

Andy’s got company now so he’s gonna call me later, and Fran’s not home. I’m bored and I love this phone so I may as well go and have a field day with it and look under insurance companies in the yellow pages. It does seem like a lot of insurance companies have answering machines.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 23, 1990 Brenda brushed out my hair for me, and God is it getting long. It’s almost to my very lower back and the layers are growing out. The very top layer, though, is completely destroyed. I have massive split ends.

Shadow’s climbing all over me. I think I mentioned before why I changed his name from Bandit to Shadow. He’s like glue. He loves to be near me constantly. Follows me everywhere like a shadow. However, when I go to bed, I shut the bedroom door cuz he always wakes me up.

One thing that’s starting to annoy me is that I’m very bloated. I wanna hurry up and get my period so I drop some water. I don’t want to take my water pill while I’m still finishing up my other medications. I did some exercising and I’m gonna do more later. Also, I’m gonna get more Slim-Fast and eat very little till I drop 10 pounds. It’s funny to say I’m chunky at 105 pounds, but then again I am a very short person, right? It’s not that I weigh too much pound-wise, it’s my shape I guess, I have so much water, too.

I took all my pictures of Gloria down last night. There are only a few in the bedroom. I wanted a change and a break from them so I put them in my file box in my closet. I’ll never throw them out cuz I’ve put so much time and money into them and it’ll be really neat to look back at them someday. Maybe I will put them back up, though, in a matter of months or someday. I still wish I could afford a duplex as I’d make the cellar the music place with the posters, the stereo and keyboards and I wish I had a washer and dryer. By God, I’d love to be able to afford that. I’d have 2 bedrooms, 1½ baths and a dishwasher too, no doubt.

Later…

I’m now watching the premiere of Law & Order. Before this, I saw In the Heat of the Night. Brenda left after Matlock. I put Brenda’s hair in a braid. It looked nice.

I still never got any notification as far as the police exam is concerned. I’m not stupid, though. They’ll never notify me worth shit.

I’m gonna go make some angel hair pasta. It is so good.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 22, 1990 I was exhausted before, but as usual, I woke right up. Man, oh man, was I just through a hell of a nightmare since the last time I wrote! I had to go to the ER 3 fucking times and I was terrified! I literally thought I was going to die and it hurt so bad I wished I would drop dead till it was over. I had the worst asthma in my life. They had to take me immediately (usually you wait forever) to give me oxygen treatments, and the last time I had an IV. It was really scary. I could only smoke 3 cigarettes in one week’s time. I’m on Prednisone for 12 days and Bactrim which is an antibiotic for 10 days. Also, I’m on Theodur and Alupent which is the same stuff in my inhaler. Theodur and Alupent are the two most common drugs used for asthma.

I saw Mom and Dad on the 15th and we had a fairly good visit. They came up for about an hour or so. They’re back in Florida now.

I may possibly be going to my sister’s this Saturday. Tammy’s really sick now, too.

Steve and I spliced a wire today so I can edit from the CD player onto the stereo and it sounds great, too. I have plenty of editing to do as well as story writing.

They raised my food stamps to $114, so I did a huge grocery order and I never had so much food in my life, but I really need to lose weight. I’m getting pretty chunky lately.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 12, 1990 It’s been one week now and I still feel like shit. Oh well. It also looks like I’m gonna have to cancel going to my sister’s tomorrow. One reason’s cuz I feel like shit and the other’s it’s contagious. I don’t want to stand and just look at my nieces from 3 feet away, I want to hold them and hug them. Tammy mentioned going next weekend if I couldn’t make it this time.

Then I’ll be seeing Mom and Dad on the 15th, and it fucking figures I’m sick so I can’t sing.

Yesterday I got 3 journals at an excellent price. I mean a really fantastic deal. Normally the 3 of them would’ve cost close to $24, but I got them for $12 in the secondhand department. I’m glad I discovered that they sell them there which is weird cuz these books are brand new and just as nice as the regular main part of the store.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 7, 1990 Tracy called me and Andy last night. We were both thrilled to hear from her. I played her the edits which she thought were great. She didn’t contact us, she said, cuz she needed space and time to sort things out.

Last night was awful. I was so full of congestion. I never knew one could have to blow their nose so much. It’s red and sore now and I feel much better now that I drained out all that shit so I guess it was worth the misery. Tomorrow, or today I should say, Bill will be here at 1:00 so I hope I can get a little sleep. I had to sleep all day today as I was so miserable. It’s called “sleeping it off.” I’m thankful I feel much better though and also thankful it wasn’t the flu. Anything but the flu. Smoking very little also helped get rid of it quicker but I couldn’t have smoked much if I wanted to. The funny thing is, though, for the last 3 days I really haven’t had much of a desire to smoke. Today I had 5 or 6 and psychologically I still think of it, but the physical part isn’t too bad.

I love this little kitty of mine to death. I’m so glad Brenda got him for me.

Share to Pinterest SATURDAY, OCTOBER 6, 1990 Yesterday, I only smoked 7 or 8 cigarettes. Today, even though I still slept till 9:00 tonight, I’ve had 3 so far. I am very, very congested so that’s part of the reason why I’ve smoked so little. Also cuz I have these sneezing fits and cuz of my wheezing. In 48 hours I’ve smoked only 11 cigarettes so that’s why I’m constantly blowing my nose like there’s no tomorrow. It gets worse before it gets better after you’ve either quit or cut down cuz all that tar and shit starts draining.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 5, 1990 Gee, I have exactly 1 day short of 2 months till I’m 25 years old. A quarter of a century.

My new little kitten, which Brenda got me, is sitting here in bed with me and he’s so loving and so affectionate. The one thing you couldn’t do with Sasha was pick her up and cuddle her or have her come to you and let you cuddle her for more than 3 seconds. His name is Bandit. He’s now trying to distract me from writing by rubbing up against my book and me and giving me kisses. He’s fairly gentle with his claws but when he gets a little older I’d like to get him neutered and declawed. You know I hate being clawed when you’re playing with them. I mean they can just sit or stand on you and their claws hurt like hell. Now he’s playing with my hair which all kittens, cats and babies love to do.

Brenda’s cab broke down yesterday afternoon and while she was at the office, the owner’s wife just happened to be giving away kittens, so that’s how I got him. That was yesterday, the day after Brenda’s b-day. He’s 6 weeks old and looks a lot like Sasha, but Sasha was gray and white. He’s orange and white and his hair’s a little shorter. It’s the same pattern as Sasha’s. I think they’re both tabby cats. He’s so loving and follows me everywhere. And he’s pretty calm and gentle, too. He knows how to pee in his litter box, but he’s still going to have to learn not to go on furniture or chew wires.

I have had absolutely no sneezing fits!!!!!!! And this cat is here to stay till death do it part. My mom was right as far as all my problems being due to smoking and I’ve known it too for quite some time but it was just too scary to admit. It’s scary to think of dealing with withdrawal after quitting but my congestion is getting really bad so I’ve had only 7 or 8 cigarettes today.

The pigs were a little jealous and depressed about Bandit, but otherwise, they’re still the usual loving troublemakers.

I bought Brenda a pair of earrings and a pair of sexy underwear for her b-day and we went to her sister Donna’s house in Palmer. And as I mentioned before, I’ve known her husband Kevin for 4 years. He knew Crystal C, too.

Donna’s a great person who anyone feels comfortable with. The type you could talk to about most anything and who accepts people for what and who they are. The kids were great and Donna’s great with the kids too, and I’d have loved to have someone like her as my mother.

Tomorrow, I’ve got to call John R and maybe I’ll try to leave a message with Dr. Goodman’s receptionist for Tracy, but only once. I also have to call Philip and go to Food Mart. Also, I wonder if Kathy will fix my bangs if I call her. She works at Food Mart and she gave me her number. We went to La Baron together. She hated it too, and she only does it on the side. My bangs really look pretty stupid so maybe she can trim and layer them.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 4, 1990 Right now I’m on the phone listening to Fran talk to Bobbie. Andy and I wish to hell Tracy would call us.

I’m turning into a very, very slightly ok artist. Of course, some of my drawings are a wee bit explicit. Guess I’ve been horny lately.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 1, 1990 My mother said something astounding. Not only was I shocked, but I also shed a few tears. I called Mom and told her that I bought a little tiny fork and spoon for Sarah and socks for Becky and Lisa. Then I told her that I agreed as far as having money and someone to help as far as having a baby is concerned. But I also told her I didn’t like being told what I should do or should not do at this age.

So I finally asked the two questions of my main concern in blunt plain English. I said, “If I have a child someday, are you going to disown me or call the state?”

She said no. I freaked with shock and joy. I absolutely and totally could not believe it.

Otherwise, no more news going on lately. Just that I had a very nice weekend with Brenda and also Gail and Judy. Gail and Judy are so nice. You feel as if you’ve known them for years. They, of course, don’t turn me on but they’re very attracted to me, so I hear. Also, it’s rather obvious by the way they look at me. Same thing with Bonny. I did their nails for them and also, a couple of weekends ago, Brenda, Judy, Gail and I went to Jam’s. We had fun, and I ran into Tracy there who said she broke up with Nancy. Guess Nancy was an alcoholic and a troublemaker. She seemed a little irritated by talking to me and left with some other girl who seemed slightly offended when I asked her if she was single.

Tracy said she was in California on the 4th of July and was so shocked at how feminine the gay women were there. That’s what she likes, too.

She did tell me to leave a message with my number at this dentist’s office where she works on Maple St. But should I really leave a message which I seriously doubt will ever get answered?

My friendship with Andy has been excellent the last several months and he admitted he was being cruel and selfish for a while and then realized it and didn’t want to lose me as his friend. He was also jealous of my looks and my abilities but instead of being negative he’s encouraging and appreciates what I do.

It’s really too bad his relationship with Miles isn’t doing too great. According to Andy, he’s too clingy and constantly wants sex. Also, cuz Andy didn’t give Miles sex for two days, Miles cheated on him. Andy’s pissed and is on the verge of dumping him. He says, though, he thinks Miles is the way he is cuz his father molested him. Also, he says Miles has a big mouth and blabbed some sexual stuff about him and Andy real loud in Friendly’s. He also talks 10 times more gayish than Andy does.

Tomorrow, I want to go see Paula and get something for Brenda, but I still can’t sleep yet and it’s now 3:17 AM. I was beat before. Sometimes life as a night owl sucks.

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theghostpinesmusic · 11 months ago

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Three Sisters and Broken Top Circumnavigation (3/5)

I had a brief moment before opening my tent flap in the morning where I hesitated, afraid to see smoke skulking across the landscape again, even though I had breathed easily all night and a mid-night peek outside the tent had reveled nothing but stars. Mentally crossing my fingers, I sprung outside to find...perfect blue October skies, and North Sister looming over the lake, beckoning me southward.

"Perfect" blue skies is actually a bit of an exaggeration: in the distance, a small ribbon of grey-blue spooled northward from the prescribed burn that had caused me so much grief the day before, and to the west a low-hanging curtain of smoke wove between and below the line of Cascade volcanoes, a last gasp from the Lookout Fire that had terrorized central Oregon for much of the summer. But, neither of these seemed likely to grow larger in the cold October air and the still-whipping wind at the top of Scott Pass was supposed to maintain its current northward direction all day, so I put worries about smoke as far out of my head as I could and commenced packing up.

My second night in the Sisters Wilderness had indeed been far warmer than the first; in fact, I'd been shedding layers I'd worn all night the first night by midnight on the second night because I was overheating. As the now-recurring condensation within my tent reminded me, it certainly wasn't the warmth of a summer night anymore, but it would do. And according to the forecast I was able to pull up on my phone during the few minutes I'd had reception the day before, the next few nights were supposed to be even warmer...until, of course, the snowstorm blew in on the eighth. But I'd be back in my house by then. I hoped.

Packing up for the day was slow going, only because I had what felt, in the cold of an October morning, like a blistering sun shining on me and so I took some extra time to rig up my tent fly (hilariously, like a sail in the gusty wind) between two pines so it could dry out a bit.

When I was satisfied, I finished packing and left behind South Matthieu Lake, albeit a little regretfully. It's a beautiful spot, is sort of the "halfway" point for a loop hike of the Sisters, and because of its popularity in the summer, I doubted I'd ever see it completely empty like this again.

I was looking forward to this next section of trail, though, because I had such fond memories of it from Lindsey and I's 2018 loop. Aesthetically, it's maybe the most interesting part of the Sisters loop due to the amount of volcanic weirdness you encounter. Practically, it's also nice to be headed downhill instead of uphill for most of the day, and to finally be out of the burn area(s), which tend to be concentrated on the east side of the Sisters.

My plan for the day was to hike to a lake Lindsey and I had "found" on our previous loop (unnamed on the Green Trails map we'd had at the time, but showing up on my GaiaGPS map now as Reese Lake). It's a long hike there from South Matthieu, but we'd ended up doing it because all the other supposed water sources we'd hoped to camp at in-between had been dried up in late July/early August. I doubted I'd somehow have better luck in early October of an even drier year. So, I was banking on Reese but open to the possibility of stopping earlier if I found something I liked. Of course, because this time I was looping all the way back around Broken Top before getting back to the car, stopping "early" today would just mean more miles the next day, so...it was all sort of immaterial in that lovely way plans can be sometimes when you're passing through the wilderness.

The first mile-plus of hiking south from South Matthieu gets you onto the PCT for the first time on this hike, which can mean big crowds in July, but didn't change much for me this late in the year. I'd meet a few through-hikers over the next two days (all heading north), but pretty much everyone has either finished or given up on full PCT hikes by this time of year.

This section of the trail goes through some really neat country of mixed lava rocks and large pine trees/stands. There are a few places where it drops down into little valleys between lava rock walls, and I was surprised to find ice on the trail in these spots. Then, you see the ashy weirdness of the Yapoah Crater looming up before you, and it almost seems like the trail is going to make you climb it. You can climb it, I've climbed it in the past, but like any cinder cone, ascending is a very one-step-forward-two-steps back endeavor and I just wasn't up for it today. Fortunately, the trail actually contours around the cone rather than up it.

Literally behind the large tree in this photo, I met my first hiker of the day, and my first person since the two horse riders I'd talked to the previous afternoon. I was a bit loath to stop and talk this early in the morning because I felt like I was in a good groove and didn't want to lose momentum, but the guy was aggressively friendly and so I sat down on a fallen log and we chatted for a few minutes. I described my route to him, and it turned out he was doing something similar, though "only" circling the Sisters, and he'd started a few days earlier, so was exiting the trail at North Matthieu Lake. He recommended I stop for the coming night at Reese Lake, and this was, in fact, the moment I learned it was called Reese Lake, despite having camped at it years before.

You climb for a bit after the Crater, and if it's a clear day (and it was), you get an eyeful of the Cascade Crest in the distance: Black Crater, Mount Washington, Three-Fingered Jack, and Mount Jefferson all marched by in a line. Hood loomed behind them, and, if I squinted, I could make out Mount Adams across the border in Washington as well. I imagined I could see Rainier behind it, but probably not really.

Once you top out at an unnamed (but apparently always windy) point, you start descending, quickly leading to one of my favorite parts of the hike: Opie Dilldock Pass. If you're doing the loop counter-clockwise, this is a descent from the top of the pass rather than a climb, but it's still hilariously windy and convoluted. If you look closely, Where's Waldo?-style at the photo, you can make out part of the trail.

Descending the pass really drops you into the heart of the lava flows north and west of North Sister. I took a lot of photos here, because the combination of the snowy mountain peak, scrubby-but-vibrant pine trees, and absolutely apocalyptic-looking lava fields is like nothing I've ever seen anywhere else. At points, the high winds were scouring the lava hills above me, throwing fine dust into the air in clouds. I had a moment when I wondered if this was what the moon is like (minus the wind, of course).

Just at the bottom of the pass, you are also at the foot of the Collier Cone. I left the trail and climbed this in 2018, and while it's another ash/scree slog, if you're ever on this trail, I'd recommend the side trip: from the cone's summit, you get an amazing view of North Sister's north face, including the remains of the Collier Glacier. I skipped the climb this time around (again, short October days lead to tight timetables), but gave the cone a respectful nod as I skirted it and continued south.

Next up on this legitimately nonstop highlight reel of a day was the Obsidian Area, which you enter shortly after descending the pass.

Approaching from the north, the Area first introduces itself subtly: on this particular day, while passing through a bit of typical-for-Sisters forest, I started to notice that some of the small bits of gravel that make up the trail surface were sparkling in the sunlight. Ten minutes later, I was hiking across a flat between hills literally composed mostly of car-sized chunks of obsidian. The landscape shone so brightly with reflected sunlight that I felt like I needed to take out my sunglasses and put them on. I've been here twice, and it's one of the weirdest and most unique things I've ever seen on a hike, but try as I might, I can't seem to take a photo that does it justice. If you squint, maybe you can see some of the glow in the photo I did take.

Partway through the Obsidian Area proper, I stopped beside Glacier Creek to refill my water bottles. This was the busiest spot along the trail since I'd crossed paths with the teenagers' troupe the previous morning: there were two parties of hikers and their dogs also breaking here. We discussed routes and conditions briefly, I pet a dog, and then I continued south.

So far along the Sisters loop, I'd seen a bit of South Sister from close(ish) up, but coming around the northern tip of the loop, North Sister understandably dominates the view. As you enter the Obsidian Area, though, you draw even with Middle Sister and, for the first time in the hike, she's the highlight. In fact, it's my understanding that right near here is where the main western route up the mountain starts from. I've only climbed Middle Sister once, and it was from the east (via Camp Lake), but I could totally see what appeared to be a reasonable route up from the Obsidian Area.

It was also starting to become clear that the mountains had melted out quite a bit since I'd started the hike two days before. Worries about crossing Broken Hand were fading from my mind.

As you're passing out of the Obsidian Area to the south, it sends you on your way with a steep but beautiful descent that drops down into a thick forest and then winds you around Obsidian Falls. Lindsey and I once had a great conversation here with a PCTer who was hiking while smoking a huge joint and was dead-set on convincing us that a huge red dragon lived inside of the summit of South Sister. I haven't seen it yet.

The sights south of the Obsidian Area are maybe less advertised, but for my money they're just as striking as the first half of this day's hike. Things open up quite a bit for awhile, which can be a problem on a hot summer day, but is less so in October. Before long, South Sister rises like the moon (there's no other way to describe it) in the distance, and for me this is when you know you've begun the next quarter of the Sisters loop, the one dominated by South Sister.

The trail climbs a bit after this exceptionally open area and becomes more forested, but while the views to the east disappear for a bit, views to the west open up. I could see the rocky face of The Husband and, beneath it, golden fall meadows spreading in every direction.

At this point, I thought I was nearing my goal for the day, but I was still not entirely sure if Reese Lake was "my" lake (the one we'd camped at in 2018). What's more, I wasn't entirely sure if the lake dried up seasonally or not: one hiker I'd talked to said they'd passed the lake and found it full of water, and another hiker claimed to have camped there the previous night but said the lake had been completely dried up. Mentally, I was preparing to push on to the south part of the loop late into the evening if necessary, but I was really hoping to a) find Reese Lake where I expected to find it, and b) have it be full of water.

All I really remembered from years before was that camping at Reese Lake gave you a straight-on view of the west face of South Sister, so as I started to pass through reddish, fall-kissed meadows below the dour facade of my favorite mountain, I hoped the lake would come into view shortly...

...and it did! Just as I remembered it, except that last time every nook and cranny of the rock formations around the lake had been packed with PCTers and this time the area was completely empty. The lake was not.

I picked out a high-up camp spot that presided over the entire area while still providing some wind protection and easy lake access, and dropped all my gear there. It was late in the afternoon, but I had enough time for a little wander, and so I hiked a bit east of Reese, into the trees.

My GaiaGPS map shows a trail here that runs uphill, between two cliffs, and to the Frazier Upland, a beautiful alpine area that sits between South Sister and Middle Sister. I've had a dream for a long time of doing a trip that involved crossing over the Sisters from one side to the other using this trail, but while I've taken the east part of this route before (to climb Middle Sister), I've never been on the western side, and have heard differing reports about how possible it is...specifically, whether or not the trail actually exists all the way through the mountains depends on who you ask. I definitely wasn't going to climb up to the Upland on this afternoon, but I followed the trail for about a quarter mile to get a feel for the route, found that it existed for at least that far, and then turned around and headed back to camp. Maybe next summer I'll be writing a trip report about taking the rest of this trail!

When I got back to Reese, there were a pair of hikers at the lake, so I chatted with them for a few minutes. They were PCTers who had hiked from one end of the trail to the other earlier in the year, but had had to skip this section because of the Lookout Fire. They were coming back to complete the route, and were one night away from finishing it (and thus finishing the whole PCT!). I congratulated them heartily. I felt like I was accomplishing something monumental by hiking seventy miles, and they would be finishing an almost three thousand mile journey.

I talked with them a bit about my desire to someday hike the PCT all the way through Oregon, and my doubts that I would be able to pull it off, and they (unsurprisingly) were really encouraging. It was one of those nice moments I often get to have on the trail, when I'm able to connect pretty immediately with total strangers as a result of temporarily existing outside the context of ingrained social conventions and stresses: everyone is more themselves out in the wilderness, I like to think.

We continued talking for at least fifteen minutes, then they put their headlamps on and kept walking, north in the direction I'd come from. I'd thought they were bedding down for the night at Reese, but apparently they had already covered twenty miles that day and intended to cover at least ten or fifteen more before stopping to rest. Having hiked around fifteen miles that day myself, I could barely imagine covering fifteen more miles, and in the dark no less! I wished them luck, and climbed up the hill to my campsite.

Later on in the night, an older couple hiked in and set up a camp, but I never directly encountered them. Otherwise, I had Reese Lake to myself for the entire night. With no sign of smoke anywhere, a (relatively) warm night to look forward to, and a (relatively) short hike to Green Lakes - one of my all-time favorite backcountry camp spots - coming up tomorrow, things were definitely looking up.

#mountains #south sister #three sisters #central oregon #middle sister #north sister #photos #traveling #hiking #camping #backpacking #writing #broken top

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