#this is far from perfect but I GIVE UP
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dean went to a cobbler to fix a hole in his shoe and the cobbler took one look at him and said "i can fix that hole in you"
#dean said. i beg your pardon but i'm not looking for a cure.#and the cobbler said too bad you are my best friend and i am in love with you#this video is about growing up and getting old and BEING MARRIED#spnamvarchive#dean winchester#deancas#destiel#spn#supernatural#spn video#spn amv#spnedit#everyone go listen to acid tongue by jenny lewis#this is far from perfect but I GIVE UP#quitter enjoyers this one is for you#my amvs#my videos#derryth.txt
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Change is incremental, but something CHANGED today. You weren’t sure about voting for Biden? You don’t have to anymore! And now is the time to RALLY. The world is fucked up, but letting Trump win will not lead to the political revolution we’re waiting for. Wake up.
Im gonna vote for Kamala Harris in November because I don’t want a wannabe dictator running our country. Simple as that.
#kamala harris#us news#usa politics#usa president#Joe Biden#us politics#go vote#vote blue#the office of president is corrupt#no such thing as an ethical or morally perfect president#but that’s not gonna IMPROVE with another Trump presidency#hey crazy idea what if we just keep pushing for incremental change what about then#what if instead of giving up when things weren’t perfect we vowed to do better for future generations#I want more from my party and from my leaders#but we don’t have a far left anarchist waiting in the wings. all we’ve got are these fucking moderates.#we’re still doing damage control#and I believe someday we can have the future we dream about.#but not if Trump wins. not if we keep going down this path.#if you didn’t learn that from 2016 then idk what to say
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Potential November Reads
In This House of Brede by Rumer Godden
The Everlasting Man by G.K. Chesterton
Something by Charles Dickens
A nonfiction book
A piece of classic Russian literature
#monthly reading list#books#i've decided to make both lists because i'm in a 'obsess over all the options' mood#and this gets it out of my head#i've already mentioned brede#i plan to stick with it#i'm a couple chapters in and liking it so far#i've ordered 'everlasting man' from the library so i won't have to read my copy with horrendously small print#(after reading h.g. wells and seeing how nonsensical his view of human nature is from a christian perspective)#(i decided i needed to read chesterton's rebuttal to wells)#i've got dickens on here because despite spending october reading almost exclusively victorians#i came out of the month wanting to read some dickens#november has *strong* associations with 'great expectations' so i've got to see if some other dickens will satisfy the craving#if nothing else i got a volume of his christmas novellas out from the library and i may just have to give one a go#i need to read some nonfiction again (essays/apologetics don't count)#a top contender right now is 'the guns of august' because i found a used copy a couple months ago#and wwi is the perfect november nonfiction (oh that reminds me i should finish 'a hilltop on the marne')#and after reading victorians all month i need to read some classic literature from another country#and winter is a very russian-lit time of year#(the victober wrap up is coming btw)#(it's just that concisely summarizing these reading experiences takes a lot of time)
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my timephoon hot take is that the episode was literally fine, it's the episodes that came AFTER it that fucked things up
#the final confrontation where louie and della say that shit to eachother? peak televesion#the next episodes shouldve. yk. resolved that#but by having the premise be “the entire family is goign to disneyland and leaving louie behind” uh...?#i get what they were going for but they fumbled so hard#timephoon introduces a lot of conflicts that the next episodes SHOULD have resolved#but they didn't. at least not well#like della and louie should've had a proper conversation#and also i dont think della was wrong for steppin in at the end of timephoon like that was warranted#her wording and execution? far from perfect#but she's trying#also. timphoon was fine yes but it could have been way better still#i would have preffered it if they went more in depth about the struggles of motherhood and how beakley and della both felt about it#give me beakley being vulnerable and opening up about how hard its been raising webby alone and how she GETS it#she gets not knowing what to do#she was a spy#she has no idea how to be soft and motherly but she's learned and she's trying and she did it alone#and she doesn't want della to be as alone as she was so she tries to help#but she's a certified grizzled ex spy so fuck if she knows how to be gentle about it#so it just makes della MORE insecur because beakley seems to have it all together#and i wish there was a scene where they could talk to eachother and beakley could admit that she doesn't#she's made mistakes she's fucked up but she's trying and aren't they all?#but yeah. for what timephoon was#it wasn't bad#but the following episodes fumbled#i forget if it was in timephoon or next erpisode were we got della telling louie to shape up or he couldn't be part of the family#like again that was BAD! BUT#it wuld have worked if the show adressed and had her learn from it#and showed that it wasnt out of malice its because she was doing her best!#but they didn't#they were...weird with it
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Coming in to play! (Patreon)
#Doodles#Webkinz#Webkinz hours! The cute lads have wedged their way back to the forefront of my mind haha#I'm honestly really glad I kept all my Webkinz plush over time and they've survived all the moves and whatnot#Some are still missing - most notably my horses for some reason - but I have the rest onhand and they're still cute and soft and I love them#Getting the opportunity to name and play with them as a young'un made them stick quite strongly in my mind ♪#And I still find some of my design sensibilities with their roots in the gameplay/game design/UI design/interactivity#I think it inspired some of my Video Game Design brain which is an aspect of myself I'm quite happy with :D#And I /love/ plushies probably now more than ever <3 So I'm doubly glad younger me didn't get rid of them haha#Got my lineup that featured in Tala's Requestober this year ♥ I left out a couple for what are probably obvious reasons ahem ahem#If you haven't seen what the Official design of the clownfish is in Webkinz... The plushy is arguably worse lol why that one of all of them#Hire me to design Webkinz fish I dare you#There are actually several cute fish - and several ugly ones! Lol I don't know why they're so inconsistent#It's not like the differences between Signature and Classic! Most of the fish are Classic or eStore! I don't know what gives lol#Anyway lol the other one I left out was my Night Mare since I couldn't remember his name either - which is a shame! I liked him#I still have some fairly clear memories of playing Webkinz with those lads <3 Of the different rooms and relationships and games#It's nostalgic! It's nice to reminisce on something so cheery and cute and light and fluffy :)#As for the rest hehe - I tend to pick up 'kinz whenever I find them at secondhand shops and the like - much like Lalaloopsies#They're out of production! Harder to find - rare and valuable haha totally#I haven't found any New With Tags so far but I'm on the hunt still!! Someday it'll be my turn...#But I Have found some really adorable fellows for cents on the dollar haha <3 Two Blue Whales and a Sheep and Duck!! So cute#My latest find was a Lil'kinz Lioness Cub and she is - So tiny <3 Really adorably constructed with a fluffy nose ahhh ♪#The Long Eared Bunny is my current Free 'kinz! I unfortunately lost the account with Baaby so I had to start over again but that's alright#This time I've got Embroidery and she's in a closet cosplay of Edgar haha - black-and-grey striped shirt with dark pants and round glasses#And angel wings! I was able to snag those from the Ganz website and they're perfect honestly haha ♥ She won an Open Beauty Pageant with it!#Couple of her with Sugar - my first Webkinz I got to play with since Diamond's tag was thrown away :') Sugar's my oldest 'kinz <3#And of her with smol's Free 'kinz since I convinced her to play with me off and on haha - her Leonberger named Borgus :D#And then one final one of what I'd really like - a Webkinz Spider ;;♥ I /know/ they've made spider objects that are really cute!#And April Fools' fake pets of a spider!! Give me the fluffy spider please Ganz even if there's no plushie I just need to pet the spider
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What’s wrong babe? You’re thinking about Glinda’s face before she is handed the torch to light the funeral effigy of her friend? Her best friend who was fundamental to the woman she has become? The woman that she abandoned at the most pivotal moment of their lives in an act of cowardice that she has spent the rest of her life running from? Her best friend that, through her own lack of action when it counted most, is widely believed to have deserved her murder?
#I saw wicked part one this morning#and there are so many wonderful things about this film (despite my earlier apprehension)#but far and away Ariana grande’s acting CARRIES it#I think it is both a perfect homage to Kristin Chenoweth#as well as a wonderful nuanced interpretation of the character as she exists in the narrative of the musical#that little head tilt after the first person says no one mourns the wicked is what started me crying#and I’m tearing up again now just thinking about it#masterfully shot and arranged#THIS is how you adapt a stage story for screen#the closeups and cutaways are part of the storytelling in a way that is not possible in a live theatre setting#yes I have a long list of critiques with the choices made to adapt the musical from the novel#but at the end of the day I am still so deeply in love with every version of this story#and I think that this film adaptation is truly breathtaking#I want to kiss the director of photography on the mouth#and I really hope this begins a renaissance of Ariana grande’s acting career#because I think she has so much more to give us than anybody expected of her#and I very seriously and truly hopes she wins at least one major award for this#just cast theatre kids in musical adaptations just do it#this has been a galinda upland post#wicked part one#wicked#wicked 2024
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The rise of "let people enjoy things" is single handedly the backbone of the rise of anti intellectualism
#i need to talk about this#disclaimer : im beyond terrible at putting my point across#so with that being said let me attempt at it#let's take look at the hate and misogyny women receive for liking a certain genre of books#that is so often simply countered with let people enjoy things#but we cannot let that narrative take over a whole as if critical thinking is “bad”?#booktok has made it so that disliking a popular books makes you the person with the superiority complex who should just let people enjoy-#-things#but when did criticizing actively target audiences who like that peice of literature? When did that become the narrative?#its all mindless consumption without a second thought to the actual material which can easily be credited to the tropification of books#the enemies do turn into lovers and the best friends do fall in love 10 years down the line#classifying books into tropes and then fulfilling that promise gives books an illusion of being “good” since it checks those boxes-#-that the reader picked up the book for in the first place#the act of reading has kind of been substituted by the act of being a reader and just owning stacks of books#we have turned away from any form of analysis or criticism#if it scratches the itch then its automatically the perfect book without further thought#i cant help but contribute the mere existence of that “itch” to how mordern books are classified into tropes with set plotlines#intelligenctualism is almost always looked at as elitism#reading only classics doesn't make you an intellectual individual but looking at any book with a critical lens may it be a classic or a rom#-com does#criticizing certain aspects of your absolute favorite books is intellectualism and not bullying people who like anything but classics#that distinction is so far lost in translation that talking about how a popular book is objectively bad is being a “hater”#well then im a hater#this is not a hate post for people who actively enjoy booktock or the more popular books#im just trying to introduce any amount of nuance into the conversation thats all#i can honestly go on forever but i think ill end my ranting here#literary criticism#literature#books#anti intellectualism
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Me normally: Let people love what they love
Me, after a Test Match Special commentator expresses their belief that the new All Creatures Great and Small is somehow "better" than the 1978 version: This is pure insanity and TMS can no longer be trusted on anything, how can they even be trusted to know about cricket, do they have no TASTE
#Look it's fine that this show exists and people will watch it and like it and that's ok maybe it's just not for me#But that was like a statement purely designed to piss me off#There were lots of issues with the 1978 adaptation! I still vastly preferred the books any day!#And I actually initially had high hopes for the new one because they at least cast a Scot (albeit a Highlander not a Clydesider) as James#And the actors at least looked a little bit younger than Christopher Timothy and Robert Hardy#And thank god Helen actually sounds like she's a farmer's daughter and doesn't speak RP!#But from the half hour I've seen of it I've had to write off this new adaptation#For two major reasons#First of all there's Siegfried#Siegfried is one of the key central aspects of the vibe of the books and therefore key to any adaptation#Robert Hardy was too short and too old for the part but he lived and breathed the character#The twinkle in the eye bouncing off the walls and in and out of rooms followed by half a dozen dogs utterly full of life even when angry#But this new Siegfried is just sort of... Eeyore-esque; he comes into a room and you can see the flowers droop and the set turn grey#Siegfried was angry Siegfried was happy and the historical character he was based on was no stranger to melancholy#Since Donald Sinclair did commit suicide or rather self-euthanasia after Alf Wight and his own wife Audrey died#But this slow grumbly figure in the new adaptation is not Siegfried Farnon- the book character didn't grumble more often he exploded#And why did the adaptation give him a dead wife that's so weird? What could that possibly add to the source material?#And this brings me onto my second problem which is to do with women and age#Firstly I have no idea why they aged down Mrs Hall or at least made her look younger than a woman her age would have back then#But what really drove me mad was when Heriot goes out to see some old woman hill farmer in the episode I saw#And this woman is far too clean and young-looking and you can see that she's wearing 'natural' look make-up#And a perfect set of clothes that looked like they were straight out of the House of Bruar autumn collection catalogue#Say what you like about the 1978 adaptation but old women looked like old women regardless of whether or not they wore make-up#It may be that the better quality of television screens means that the 'natural look' shows up on screen more clearly than it would have#But natural look make-up was not really a thing in the 1930s and for old women Yorkshire hill farmers I doubt they'd have much on at all#They just don't seem to be capable of allowing people to look old and wrinkled and real or have bad teeth or unattractive clothes#And everything is far too tidy- everybody looks far too perfectly country and quaint#Anyway the moral of this story is of course that I always recommend reading the books because they're much better#than any tv adaptation; but if forced to choose at least the 1970s one felt real and yet didn't have to be grim either#Ok that's my rant over please do feel free to enjoy the show I just got annoyed because the opinion was expressed on TMS
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I was rewatching The Stone Forest and I really like to think that Hilda had to pass by the Bell Keeper’s outpost on her way out of the city limits. I like to think that idiot looked at what was happening, shrugged, and said ‘eh, she’s the scariest thing out there’
#“‘the scariest thing out there’?”the girl sends him a look that isn't quite a glare for once; it still conveys her opinion just as clearly#Edmund shrugs. Hilda is still within sight of his binoculars. he watches her run and can’t be sure whether she’s running *towards* or *from#*.He doesn’t think she knows either.#'I mean. it’s not like trolls can harm her at this time of the day.#Don’t tell me you believe in fairies kid.'#And there it is at last: the glare. Meiri looks up from her art project - her new therapist had reccomended it as a way to express herself#and since he'd been helping so much so far she'd decided to grudgingly give it a shot -#“*No*” she states pointedly; to anyone who knew her it was an affirmation. And Edmund knew her better than she cared for#'What I believe in is wolves and recluse spiders and ticks and nettle. And I believe that someone with the spine#to sabotage the Patrol wouldn't have the self control to not lick a pretty mushroom'#“Hey!” Edmund protested putting down his binoculars. “I sabotaged the Patrol! For *you* I might add!”#Meiri's smile turned mean; it was a regular expression for her yet it never conveyed any malice. Just the thrill of a game that never tired#her. “And would you?” she lifted one thick eyebrow; signaling to her dad that it was his move now#The dad in question was unfortunately thinking back to a time in his young teenage years when he figured he could eat anything animals bit#and gave himself a poisoning that had him taken to the ER. But she didn't need to know that. *ever* in fact.#“Obviously I would. Like I'd let a mushroom ruin my perfect sandwich diet”#Meiri groaned loudly. Some games were worth playing. But some wars she'd already accepted she'd never win#“Anyway” he turned back to staring at the outside of the wall as if it was of any interest to him (it wasn't)#“kid'll be fine is my point. And even if she isn't ya know what's the best think about this situation?”#They looked at each other with matching smirks. “none of our flipping business” he said at the same time as she echoed#“None of our fucking business”#He gasped immediatelly. “*Meiri!*”#The chastening was useless. She just shrugged innocently.#He'd really have to limit her library visits#the bell keeper hilda#meirdom#hilda the series#hilda netflix
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everytime i watch shameless I get hit with a jolt of sickness and remember how frank and monica stole fionas life from her and she'll never get it back because it never existed because she was a sister first her whole life (from the age of 4) and everything else second and its always just so casual in the show and normal and rarely touched upon but it's not normal at all and it's tragic
#another post made at 2am that i found in the drafts#but my god its messed up how frank and monica got to live their own lives and how the kids got to have aspirations kinda but fiona was just#always stuck with the feeling of being stuck#cause she was forced to devote a largeee chunk of her life to servitude#its so unbelievably telling of frank and monicas innate selfishness above anything else imo :#their willingness to fulfil their mutual desire to extend the feeling of things such as youth and excitement and fun#to the point that they stripped their own daughter of the ability to experience childhood#education#etc#my memory is hazy but frank definitely was in college and i think monica was too? either way they both got to finish HS / experience it#but not fiona!!! its the opposite of parents sacrificing so their children can have more#they had more than fiona did and didnt give a shit about the fact that they just took from her#(obviously im not saying they had rosy perfect lives as kids teens and young adults— far from it actually)#(but its shockingly clear that they had a great deal more than fiona...or at least less on their plates...)#like when frank speaks of being a boy in college#its like.. these opportunities he threw away while fiona would've loved to have them but instead she had to drop out of HS#against her will#like yes its complicated but bottom line is its just sad how frank and monica were both afforded with control over their lives to a degree#while all of fionas life decisions carried the weight of her whole family and she didnt get to have independent control over her life#like for example she didnt drop out of HS cause she actually wanted to#she just didn't have any other choice
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i wanna transplant a lot of how ive written botw/totk link into my og one i think..... mostly just because writing for him last year made me realise how much i enjoy seeing how far you can go with using minimal dialogue + actions and expressions over words to convey thoughts and feelings, both from that pov and from others
#from links pov i also think its fun to give him both this rich and simple inner world and contrast that with his 'dialogue'#eg link understands why he acts the way he does but obviously other characters esp those who dont know him well#will have difficulty parsing his actions. as someone who is also selectively mute and understands Myself but not others#i Get Him. its not perfect writing but any means but its fun to see how far u can go without sacrificing straight up dialogue. idk#also the hound/wolf metaphors. where would i be without you. that goes without saying#anyways everything i have rn is basically jsut 'this would be cool' and not much else LOL but isnt that what its all about really...#personal.txt
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george lucas handed an overwritten mess in and then the fandom + otherwise involved creators in the extended universe and other supplemental media have spent the last decades ritualistically dissecting it and reworking it’s constituent parts into some of the most fascinating worldbuilding you can get. and the average person has no knowledge of this and just watched disney completely fumble it within an hour and a half of their first title crawl in The Force Awakens and proceed to completely fall apart within the next 3 hours . and that’s just what star wars is to them
#star wars#and maybe the mandalorian. din djarin really out here carrying the entire star wars reputation as well as his son#original trilogy girlie will never not be mad disney inevitably fucked up BOTH giving the OG trio OR finn poe and ray a satisfying ending#and is instead now going down the prequel rabbithole . this is what youve done to me disney#star wars/episode 4 a new hope is still my end all be all fave (specifically despecialized) BUT i will admit . the clone wars era is growin#on me. i’m down for the tragedy of your ancestral life ways being eroded by the need to throw your peacemakers and children on thefrontline#to prevent the deaths of an army you never wanted to be responsible for#that one story that had the whole ‘if people actually want to leave the republic *why aren’t they the ones fighting*’ revelation. oogh.#sheev you bastard you divised the perfect plan to make a bunch of hypercompassionate mystics who are preternaturally#disposed to feel empathy for people be unable to refuse fighting on the frontlines of a war bc it’s the only way to even begin to protect#both their army of innocents (acceleratedly aged clones) AND the public at large#I KEEP GOING ON TANGENTS IN THE TAGS SORRY. MANY EMOTIONS TONIGHT!!!!!!!#<- old tags from nov 28 lol#old starred war posts im excavating from the drafts :]#text✨#posts from a galaxy far far away
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at some point i am going to have to force even to go back and deal with donna & tentoo & rose & all and everything they ran away from. and that will probably involve them losing tentoo’s chameleon arch watch by giving it back to its rightful owner, whether she chooses to open it or not. and that is. not going to be a very fun or stable time for them.
#this part is v vague and fuzzy because i want to watch the rest of 12 & 13 and finish the doctor/donna specials before i set anything in#stone about it. but i think i need to rearrange some things in the timeline here vis a vis when the doctor is also forced to go back and#deal with his baggage.#i dont think 14 exists in even’s universe for this reason. and for the reason of tentoo kind of taking on his role? the human part of the#doctor who can stay with donna & with rose.#she’s also trans to me because i love trans!tentoo. her name is johanna. i think it’s pretty. i make a singular exception to my rule of#never changing characters names when i trans them.#but i think. what im getting at here is that this cant be a happy ending. not so cleanly. its more bittersweet.#like i think this version of the story. what i have so far. donna does remember. (tentoo doesn’t but that’s because she’s become her own#person. the doctor is who she came from but she isn’t just the doctor anymore.) and rose knows her doctor is out there and loves her but#she has her wife at home.#and even. oh even. you can’t hold onto a heart that’s not yours forever. you have to give it back.#this. i think. is a moment of respite and recovery for the doctor. and a really really low point for even. however this works out.#its not perfect but there’s kindness in it. and there’s a home to go back to. if they can bear it. both of them.#but like i said. this is all preliminary based on what i might play around with here. and how watching more of the show changes my ideas.#but i think. whatever revelations come in 13’s arc. i think in even’s universe they have to come after donna. i’ll find a way to make it#work.#but mostly right now the important thing is forcing even to give up the watch because why would i let them have one single comfort object <3#dw oc
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hi. i have a brawl stars au. its Deadsilent related. i want to elaborate on it so bad. i wanna write a fic for it and everything. i still dont know exactly what the full story is yet but its THERE!!!!!!!! this is all bc i dreamed it up. i cried as soon as i woke up. someone on twt inspired me a lot more on it. Yeah. there we go
#KRIS BRAWL STARS AU#Idk whta to even call it yet#also bc ive been watching captain laserhawk im getting even more ideas#unrelated to the au but my hc for grays voice is bullfrog captain laserhawk#the Perfect french accent#he has that exact voice in my au#and in general#yes deadsilent are real and assassins#i think gray is a former detective and mortis is moritianing...... illegally#i mean thats probably what hes doing in normal starr park butttt!!!!#R-T works alongside them but mort n gray are kind of. wanted#and the twins are looking to question them and all that#so R-T has to keep all of that a secret from the twins#yknow#R-T betrays mortis and gray at some point????????#also they work with piper !!! shes there!!!#colt and shelly lock them up sometimes but they always break out somehow#i wanna give other characters big roles butttttt this is what i have so far
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william "me and my Perfect Societally-Idealized Family" af.ton vs. jayne being a polyamorous lesbian who regularly scandalizes people on purpose and knows william is bullshitting himself ( even if he won't hear it )
#☽—— ⸢ ooc ⸥#f n a f /#okay this is very my-william-specific lmao. unless it's not. winks at other williams.#anyway i'm not suggesting william didn't love elise/mrs. af.ton OR that he didn't want kids#what i AM suggesting is that like. some part of him was like.#wife? check. money? check. two story house with a white picket fence? check. sons AND a daughter? check.#and then was like. okay. perfect. i've achieved Normal Human Man and now i'll be respected IT'S SO BAD#which is why i talk abt the divorce being like. yes he's genuinely hurt. but so much of the anger is ''you embarrassed me''#and ''you ruined my ideal family''#meanwhile jayne is like ''hey guy what's up i just got back from my two girlfriends' place & i literally go anywhere i want whenever''#and some part of william that he's buried SO far down is like ''FUCK i want that''#not like. exactly that. just. you know. the freedom. the Not Giving A Shit What People Thing. the being openly queer.#anyway. hits him with a bat again. i think it would be funny writing jayne trying to explain having TWO gfs to the kids ngl#the idea that she's JUST explained she's a lesbian and now has to explain polyamory is FKDHSFSAKDJ#btw i'm not like. opposed-opposed to writing jayne in monogamous relationships but she heavily leans poly#they CAN be closed relationships but she's a big fan of open poly relationships#fuck i can't delete this post i added too many headcanon tags#uh. don't ask what time i wrote this btw. schedules it.#☽—— ⸢ scheduled ⸥
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household enemy to the yyh watchthrough number one is the olympics. it's taken us a week to get two episodes into the gamemaster fight
#out of three. please the third episode's what makes it okay im fighting for my life out here#it is NOT for lack of trying on my part but theres only a brief window of time when the olympics is not happening#and as it turns out the watchthrough is Not my mom's first priority (how dare she etc)#i do feel slightly bitter that we've gotten through two eps of band o brothers in the same time#we are fighting for the same timeslots yet somehow the hour long show's gotten a leg up??#you don't have time for a 23 min ep but DO for a 60 min one?? explain the math to me please#idk how to explain the vague feeling of betrayal bc it Does Not make sense Nor matter in the slightest#but cmonnnn we were doing so well. and my little bro's starting up school again soon and my dad's gotta go back to work#sometimes eventually (<- hes on medical leave) and my grandparents are coming over next week We're Losing Time Soon#ughhh if i'd known the olympics were happening (<- somehow completely oblivious to this) i'd have accounted for#my mom getting whisked away by the land of synchronized divers and shot putters and whatever the hell#happens in the summer olympics (<- only pays attention to winter olys)#bc that always happens. and *i* have to go back to school in Some Amount Of Time Im Too Scared To Check (p sure it's late aug though) and#when that happens i'll (hopefully) be stuck across town which means we won't be able to do it any time besides the weekends#and i don't wannaaaaa#i know this is the least important problem anyone's ever had like i get that i know but#it's important to me that they sit down and watch this with me. and watching it pull apart and being#the one who's easily the most invested it makes me look all desperate when i ask them for their time and they can't give it#we can only pull this off neatly in the summer and we were so close and now we're losing it right at the finish line#i don't want life to get in the way of this little bubble i've fought so hard to make y'know#and it's childish and embarrassing and whatever but i just want them to have fun with me with this thing i care about a lot#but i can't do that bc my mom needs to watch the judo matches at Every weight class#even though she's recording a lot of them? i don't understand but whatever i know it's her thing im just moping about it ig#i want it to be as perfect an experience for them as possible and it's slipping away from me#and i don't wanna leave this project unfinished when i start school y'know. sighh#i think they might feel like i only want them around when we're watching stuff. whcih is weird bc that's like#The Singular Way we family bonded literally my whole life so idk why they wouldn't get that when reversed#but either way that IS how i wanna spend time with them. i want them to understand this thing that's become a part of me#and i wanna talk With them about it. and so far it's been fun in a way it's never been before. my mom at least seems to really like it#and i want it to Keep going well bc if we lose momentum im worried they'll start finding it tedious. sighh
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