#this is also more for my own navigation
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Darius meta masterpost (wip)
#darius rewatch meta - rewatch tag
Top 5 Darius moments | 5 least favourite Darius moments
Darius rewatch - episode exploration:
season 1 + Hunting Palisman | Eda's Requiem
ASIAS (!)
General Darius Meta:
Post - Why I disagree with the common interpretation of Darius surrendering for Eberwolf at DoU
Post - Why I disagree with the notion that Darius was against helping Luz in HM (to be reworked)
Post - About Darius being the most excited about the coven sigil removal (headcanon)
Post - Why i don't agree with the headcanon that Darius would/should just stay at home post canon and care only about Hunter and Eber (+ general musings on the theme of the importance of the community in toh)
Post - Darius, abomination form and anger (unpopular opinion/meta; to be expanded into a full meta)
Post - about Darius's public persona
Post - headcanon about Darius having trouble adjusting to the life where he doesn’t need to constantly be on edge
Post - my favourite Darius moment in ASIAS
Post - Darius and Willow parallels
ASIAS meta:
Post - About Darius taking responsibility for the Emerald Entrails in ASIAS (headcanon reading)
Post - Was Darius really angry at the children when they crashed his Blimp?
Post - about Darius looking serious and upset when he collects the Emerald Entrails
Post - Did Hunter really have to prove himself for Darius to start to care about him? (first draft, to be expanded)
Post - What was Darius's usual attitude towards Hunter pre-ASIAS
Post - Why i find the conclusion of ASIAS unsatisfying for Darius's character
Oh, Titan, King's Tide and Hollow Mind and other s2b episodes
Post - Darius and Raine in Oh, Titan
Post - a hint that there might have been a rebellion that was going on for a longer time? (Oh, Titan)
Post - observation about Darius's magic transforming his body (HM)
Post - about the rebels using their magic together (HM, headcanon + observations)
Post - Team RED's cloaks (HM, silly)
Post - are Team RED's disguises meant to be so obvious in-universe? (HM, semi-silly observations)
Post - Darius's funny face during the Eber vs Mason fight (KT, silly)
Post - about the Draining Spell diagram
Eda's Requiem:
Post - the way Darius's behavior would be off if he was meant to be a villain in ER (to be expanded)
Post - all the hints that Darius is not a villain in s2a+ASIAS
Post - about Darius's behavior if he was a villain
Post - funny out of context screenshots
Post - why i don't like ER as an introduction to Darius and Eber (might add a bit to it)
Hunting Palisman + season 1:
Post - is the viewer’s attention meant to be drawn to Darius during the Coven Heads introduction?
Post - observation about Coven Head banners in season 1
Post - Speculation about Darius's role before the shortening
Team RED:
Post - Raine, Darius and the specific word choice of 'protecting'
Post - about Eber and Raine being annoying to Darius (headcanon)
Post - some headcanons about Darius’s and Eber’s relationship and Eber's character
Post - about Raine's and Darius's acting
Post - what the other Coven Heads thought about Darius' and Eber's relationship
Post - mini post - hints of team RED snooping around in s2b (headcanon, silly)
Post - working title: Dariraine Labyrinth Runners
Post- silly post about Raine’s penstagram secret code
Post - silly post, Raine and Eber give shovel talk
Post - Eber staying behind during HM (AU/headcanon)
Ask game reply - about Darius' and Raine's friendship and when it had started
Fandom rant:
Post - about the notion that Darius being a rebel came out of nowhere and its framing (rant, i plan to write an actual meta about the hints in s2a later)
Post - If Eda was treated liked Darius (parody)
Post - fandom making a big deal out of Darius’ “only the small ones will get eaten” moment (rant/silly)
Post - about the way the fandom pits Camila and Darius against each other
Post - Eber's presence/absence of it in Darius's life in fanon
Headcanons and very small posts:
Post - about Darius's textbook
Post - my favourite profession for human!Darius
Post - Darius meeting Luz
Post - how Darius was navigating the Coven Head intrigues + about his acting
Post - Darius annoying Lilith with saying Titan's name in vain
Post - separate rebel groups 'what if'
Post - Darius likes cute things
Post - Darius and his mentor meeting for the first time
Post - Darius + glasses
Post - Darius & spa
Post - Darius calling King 'little king', silly
Post - Belos buying abomonatons because he didn’t trust Darius + the Blights role
Post - about Darius and Alador&Odalia friendship break up (speculation/headcanon, needs rewording)
Post - my cringey wishfull thinking for Darius and Raine interactions
Post - Willow and Darius having a similar type of humour
Post - potential for Luz, Hunter + Darius and Raine interactions
Ask game reply - opinion on Darius (+Luz and Scara)
Ask game reply - opinion on dariraine (+Lilith)
Fic and AU ideas:
Post - AU where instead of puppets Collector turns the Coven Heads back into children
Post - team RED goes into Belos's mind, but there is a trap
Post - Darius gets a cat AU
Post - Human!Willow + Darius as her mentor
Post - Darius and King interactions AU (writing this as a fic)
Post - previous Golden Guard’s ghost
Post - about Darius and magic
Post - team RED story ideas
Post - AU where Eber dies during the ER
Post - AU where Darius isn’t a rebel and Hunter is a beloved nephew of the Emperor
Post - Perrius Aus
Post - about abomination matter in the dariraine AU
#toh rewatch numericalbridge - general thoughts while rewatching | #toh rewatch liveblog - general semi-liveblog
general meta and headcanon masterpost | fic Masterpost + fic tag is #numericalbridge fic
#this is also more for my own navigation#darius deamonne#toh darius#the owl house#toh rewatch numericalbridge#toh meta#toh analysis#toh headcanons#toh speculation#long post
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out of curiosity, would you consider yourself butch?
used to be a blonde underweight twink and now I'm a based jock still got the chanel bag and the sick albeit matured mind of a suckpig to prove it so I'm gonna let you decide whether you wanna call me that word just cuz I got a pussy and short hair. I promise you that there have been enough advancements made in the art of lesbian sexual dynamics in the past 50 years to broaden the vocabulary used to describe the plethora of types of masculine females.
#being called butch just reminds me of how much males have the freedom to navigate between male archetypes and how people pay attention to#the distinguishing features of these varying masculinities#but when a female is seen as masculine it all gets lumped under the “butch” category#her masculinity is seen as unnatural and therefore incapable of being considered genuine or taken at face value as it is with males.#its always brought into question instead of taken in consideration with the rest of the woman's life and experiences and her particularities#Hence... Butch is still being treated as though its a huge lesbian cultural phenomena instead of a specific niche thing#also i dont mean to invite the “you dont pass!!” anons again bc that idiot is missing my point entirely (which is that im truly not trying)#but the fact is that for the past 3 years i have found myself increasingly navigating the male social world#and discovering what it means to me as a female to have access to the ability to take my “masculinity” for granted... relax#forget about it#etc#i think thats entirely antithetical to the Butch thing which seems to rest on the tension of other peoples expectations of her#people broadly are more surprised to find out that im interested in women just as much as they're surprised that im a gym queen iykwim...#ive worked hard for this and now that ive gotten the Woman Social Role thing pretty much entirely out of the way i am living the dream#i think a large part of that is learning as a dyke to appropriate the language of gay men theres a reason their terminology had#staying power even when their scene was *literally* dying meanwhile all that seemed to survive from dyke spaces was butch n femme ??#its because theirs didnt necessitate the building and maintenance of a scene in order for the subculture to hold its head above water#their labels *largely* weren't predicated on their relationships to gender roles and its telling that for dykes it was#their labels rested on the need to simply show up anonymous n be able to easily flag whether they were looking to fuck or be fucked#alongside the set of circumstances under which they would be fucking or getting fucked or what have you#it all comes back to the restrictions of female social blah blah blah and i think the sooner we collectively set down what we see as our#responsibility as lesbians and as feminists to Be A Woman the sooner we can step outside of that#n start thinking clearly about our individual circumstances and the necessity of putting on your own oxygen mask first before helping others
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in your most recent tyson post, you said something about leo being distinctly autistic-coded and I was wondering if you could elaborate on that? it sounds really interesting (sorry if you've already posted something on this, I couldn't find anything though)
Of course! I do have a specific tag for talking about Leo's autistic-coding/traits - [here], and [one for Nico as well].
The main aspects with Leo being autistic-coded actually have a lot to do with Nico being autistic-coded, because it's the comparisons between the two that most clearly indicate Leo is autistic-coded rather than it just being his ADHD or etc.
So with Nico being autistic-coded, it's very clear in the Titan's Curse that he's intended to be autistic. First, the first series has a repeating pattern of secondary characters being very distinctly neurodivergent-coded in different ways (Annabeth's adhd/dyslexia, Tyson's down syndrome-coding, Nico's autism-coding). With Nico's introduction, he's pretty stereotypically autistic and we're given a lot of descriptors about him that are notably not attributed to him being ADHD, like it would be for other demigod characters. He doesn't register social cues such as people getting annoyed at him, he's asking/making inappropriate or impolite questions/comments, he gets particularly upset about change (such as Bianca joining the Hunt) and generally gets emotional, and one of his most notable traits he's introduced with is the fact that he has a special interest (MythoMagic) - and we're shown that this special interest particularly colors how Nico navigates the world. While ADHD has hyperfixations, we don't really get much acknowledgement of hyperfixations with demigods usually - Annabeth gets a little, but most others don't and it's not nearly as focused-in on as Nico's is.
Then as the series continues we see these traits stick with him and him start to show or voice more traits that similarly indicate he's autistic: He regularly mentions how he doesn't understand living people and prefers the company of the dead (social issues). He has more notable stims than other demigods (twisting his ring, fiddling with bones, etc). He's indicated to have strong sensory preferences (usually wearing mostly black/aversion to bright colors, usually wearing layers/his coat, multiple times he's described as wearing loose/baggy clothing or clothes too big for him). He has specific comfort items (his ring, likely his jacket(s) as well). We later get even more information about his special interests (Mythomagic/mythology/history and an older interest in pirates - the latter he specifically notes likely heavily influenced his feelings towards Percy). He struggles with emotions and facial expressions and tone. He struggles particularly with ostracism and feeling like he doesn't fit in and has something distinctly different about him from the people around him (who notably, all have ADHD, which indicates it isn't the ADHD that's making him feel that way), and other characters regularly describe him as being off-putting because of his strange behaviors - again, different from specific ADHD traits they recognize. And that last point is kind of notable because we have Hazel and Bianca for comparison - we know people are off-put by both Nico and Hazel because of being children of Hades/Pluto and their powers/aura, but other characters get past that general feeling of discomfort way faster with Hazel. And even after characters get past the death stuff with Nico, there's a second thing that they aren't moving past that isn't a factor with Hazel (Nico's autism).
So that brings us to Leo - Leo is paralleled to Nico a lot. And there's some very specific traits about him that we know are autistic-coding because of how they're used with Nico: He similarly struggles with social cues/etc, and in a very similar parallel to Nico describes how he prefers the company of machines to people because machines make more sense to him. He has similar types of clothing/sensory preferences (again some stuff with layers but also - pockets! He likes having pockets and things to put stuff in! He's even introduced as having a jacket with lots of pockets), and he has a distinct special interest (machinery) that we specifically know heavily influences how he views and navigates the world (constantly comparing things to machinery, describing things with machinery metaphors/terminology, etc etc). He even describes his entire general worldview to Hazel and it's a machine metaphor. He also similarly struggles with ostracization like Nico does, the only difference being that Leo specifically puts on a persona to compensate for areas he knows he's lacking in and very explicitly describes it as a means to make people like him, because without it he normally struggles to fit in (He's masking!). We also see notes of characters describing that similar discomfort with Leo's behaviors that they do with Nico, except without the aura of death this time. And when we're in Leo's POVs we see a very stark difference between his masking and his actual personality/behaviors such as his internal dialogues or how he behaves when he's alone. Also, like Nico, he stims more than other demigods, though for Leo it's more attributed to his ADHD. Leo also, more often than most, similarly struggles with tone and reading the room, such as making misplaced jokes/comments or etc.
But yeah! It's really interesting. Also it's just a fun thing that ADHD/dyslexia and autism have comorbidity, so it makes sense that we see demigods who are also autistic. It's also really fun to look at how other characters are coded in the series, what coding looks like in the riordanverse specifically (usually it's tied into the mythological stuff - like Chiron being in a wheelchair but he's actually a centaur, Grover being introduced as having a muscular disease but he's actually a satyr, demigods having adhd/dyslexia, Tyson being coded as having down syndrome but he's a cyclops, etc etc - it's a lot of specific metaphor stuff that I've talked about a bit before), and to look at how characters are compared to one another.
#pjo#riordanverse#leo valdez#nico di angelo#autistic nico#autistic leo#autism#analysis#Anonymous#ask#long post //#woof sorry that got long#im very passionate about this topic#re: characters being paralleled#Ms. ''Constantly Neutral - No Emotions'' Reyna looking at Nico stimming in the exact same way she does (twisting ring)#and internally going ''We have a lot in common. I don't know how I feel about that.'' is one of my favorites.#like. reyna. ma'am. you might be autistic. good luck with that.#with the pattern of coding in the first series i do suspect Rachel has some coding as well but i haven't been able to pinpoint what it is#I think it may be the whole seer thing and the fact that she could see the future#even before becoming the oracle/despite being a mortal rather than a demigod (who just get rare prophetic dreams normally)#and in BoTL her entire thing is that she's able to see things that no one else can and that's how they navigate the maze#particularly also with how the labyrinth is treated/how it affects people within it (see: Chris)#and how the only other seer in the first series - May - is characterized and her coding compared to Rachel's#also something something the seer traits become more prominent once Rachel meets Percy#something something metaphor about only being able to recognize neurodivergency traits once you're familiar with them#so Rachel meets Percy = introduction to the community > Rachel recognizes her own traits/symptoms > gets a support system (oracle)
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watched usopp's little arc with defeating sugar and wow it took A LOT for him to turn back after running away to fight them again. but then later he finds out that she's awake and thinks about how he'll lose his memories of Luffy if he doesn't take care of her again, and IMMEDIATELY makes up his mind to shoot her from SO FAR AWAY?
#i know what you are#IM KIDDING#ugh they all love their friends so much i hate this show (affectionate)#man seeing usopp's growth has been SO 🔥🔥🔥🔥‼️‼️‼️💝💝💝#esp when it comes to his friends#he's one of the wimpiest on the crew but i still think he should get more credit for all his feats so far anyways#AND THAT ONE SCENE WHERE LUFFY WAS LIKE “haha dw usopp's there so it'll be okay!” WHEN THEY WERE WORRIED ABOUT THE LITTLE PPL UNDERGROUND#and also when people were like yay god usopp saved us and luffy went “i love when ppl say good things about my friends ^_^” i love u luffy#the sweetie pies to ever#idk if i should tag this as ship cuz then lusopp truther in me wants to but then again u can take this as super strong friendship too#ugh whatever im just gonna do it i can be cringe and free also i wanna navigate lusopp stuff on my own blog too so#one piece#op#min watches one piece#dressrosa#usopp#god usopp#lusopp#usolu#teehee giggle i can do what i waaanntt#me when an army of oppressed people are dying and beggijg for u to save them 🙄😮💨😒#me when my BOYFRIEND has the potential to be turned into a toy by a little girl 😥😢😢😰😨😕🫤😦😧😭😨😡😡🤬#im JOKIGNNGNG#not#ily usopp he still went back for them and that's what matters <33 also he was willing to lay his life down for them too so#ok enough
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#some thoughts incoming idk if i should share but i need to put them somewhere#it's hard being in the yr fandom since the finale when you don't share the same vision and opinion as the rest#and people make future wilmon posts or write post s3 fics (which many exist now) they just don't align with your idea at all#and they're not exciting to me at all and the whole concept just makes me upset#i don't wanna imagine Wille as a 'normal' person (not that that's ever possible anyway which the show loves to ignore)#like I'm sorry but i didn't come to the show to watch an ordinary love story and have them lead an ordinary life#the idea of Wille being a future king and them navigating that royal life together is so much more interesting#i hate that that isn't canon anymore and when ppl make posts about them it's not about that or that would only be seen as a negative thing#i don't wanna imagine a life where they are 'normal' that isn't appealing to me at all and it sucks seeing everyone embrace it#and it's like you're not allowed to want something else or think differently bc that makes you the bad person and you're just wrong#i can't be excited about their future (also bc i don't really see them going strong in the future with how they messed them up in s3)#(i also didn't want to know what could possibly happen in the future i wanted that to stay open and just be in the present)#and seeing everyone else excited and happy about it makes you feel horrible and very alone and disconnected in the fandom#i don't wanna take it away from them but i also would love to see other takes but that's basically impossible now#am i the only person who feels this way or are there any other who can relate? pls let me know#i already feel like ppl are gonna attack me for this but it's been hard especially now with Simon's month and seeing so many interpretation#navigating ao3 has also become difficult now#it's hard finding fics to read where wille stays crown prince and you don't have to be scared for that to change#i just can't read any canon compliant fics anymore and i hate it bc i hate to disagree with canon#i normally don't do that bc canon is important to me and i don't want to reject it and create my own fantasy#and that's what's upsetting#anyway sorry i had to write this#personal
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ngl it makes me want to die a little bit that it's so often trans people who feel that sex is mutable but oppression is always-forever based on asab in ways that allow them to demand that information from other trans people. like it feels fucking bad. it feels bad when it's people holding up someone who posts a lot of selfies as transition goals to a degree they have to clarify what they have or haven't done or what "direction" they're going in, it feels worse when people are out there like "caster semenya is not tma" or whatever the fuck. i am, as always, not a trans woman, but here's a sentiment echoed by many of the trans women around me who log the fuck off, quoted directly from one: "people who draw a clear line where they say that semenya or khelif are tme and then call me tma are just calling me male at this point".
like i get it. i really do. we seek community and shared experiences, and we feel betrayed when people have less in common with us than we thought they did. [*more on this later.] but that's not those people's faults and my god in the case i'm seeing play out on twitter rn this poor person did absolutely nothing to intentionally mislead people, just posted pictures of their actual kid self. who looks a lot like i did, because shockingly enough "we can always tell" doesn't fucking work for trans people either!
on the one hand i move in intersex circles which are unapologetically welcoming in cis "dyadic" people with pcos, because it serves nobody to draw a clear line where mutilation or genetics or some ineffable childhood suffering are what make somebody intersex, especially when most of us (esp in places like nz) have never been karyotyped and are being treated for symptoms without a pinned-down cause anyway. the more of us there are the stronger we are, the more pressure we can exert on a medical profession which doesn't like to consider how common outliers are, how uneasy sex is at all. and then on the other hand there's dyadic trans people on the internet who've yelled me out of spaces because a couple of traumatised incarcerated trans women i worked with as a prison abolitionist assumed i was also a trans woman and i didn't immediately tell them my entire csa-involved history of being sexed in varying ways as an infant and child and/or exactly how big my phallus was at birth or where in my junk config my urethra lives so they could decide i was tme or whatever.
returning to the * for a related but not identical thought: i think presuming shared experiences leads to some fucked shit in general! "oh we all had a radfem phase" or "oh we all were channers" no we fucking weren't and it's particularly obnoxious when me & mine are trying to build trans community locally to organise and resist the growing wave of far-right backlash against our existence, and there's just white people in there on a spectrum from "straight up being antisemitic and trying to get the n-word pass" through "handwringing about how they need to make space for people who aren't politically correct" to "handwringing about how brown people are right to be mad at them but doing shit fuckall". and then the other fucking brown people in the space are on some identity politics shit where they're like "trans joy inherently excludes those of us who could get deported" or "big city white queers are killing us by being visible instead of going stealth bc it stirs up the discourse" or whatever the fuck i've heard pulled out this year. there's a bunch of reasons i primarily organise outside of trans spaces and that's one of them. i've never felt more alone in spaces where people claim we're all the same than being left as the brownest moderator or organiser in a space full of people to whom "this is a safe trans space" apparently means they get to abdicate all other responsibilities not to lapse into presumed shared patterns that are fucking racist or otherwise alienating. i've never felt more alone than surrounded by exclusively trans people who sort people into boxes and assume everyone in those boxes has the transition goals they have. like i was on cypro until it disagreed with me to the point of endocrine crisis and now i'm on t and at both those points people were so fucking presumptive or entitled to my reasons or journey or personal relationship w my body
literally just submitted on (and was invited to consult on) the nz law commission's review of the human rights act and like. it's straight up fucked how many nz trans people fully do not comprehend that any "sex assigned at birth" type definitions fundamentally exclude migrants who have no way of proving it and many intersex people who happen to have been reassigned later or many times or never assigned at all as a baby. we can't make law with this shit and that's why we have to have symmetrical protections for all genders/sexes/expressions/presentations, bc naming and defining a protected class here often leaves the people who already are left out from those shared experiences of marginalisation out in the cold when they face violence
#reblogs turned off because obviously i'm already bracing to be pilloried for saying one thing not quite correctly or whatever#and also bc i have zero interest in having this be boosted by trans dudes on their own transandrophobia agenda either#i'm just venting#but frankly the first time i got yelled at for saying that as an intersex person some of the immense violence i experienced as a child#was motivated by transmisogyny#i was a teenager and it was someone a fair bit older than me with more local clout so like. it's been a decade. how is it worse now.#intersex spaces have made SO much progress and yet#also yes i'm femme! i'm femme in a trans way! many dykes who aren't women are!#many of us got more comfortable w it as adults who had gender agency!#in literally the same way it took my wife ages after transitioning to work out she's also butch and doesn't actually want to do femme thing#bc that's a shared experience in how we've navigated the expectations of womanhood before opting out of the parts we don't want!#anyway the lawcomm shit was fucked bc honestl i don't give a shit if someone lost their gonads as an adult in an accident#they should be protected even if they don't consider themselves intersex#and we know that gender as an axis of oppression comes back to the reproduction of the nuclear family#and that cis women who can't have kids sometimes become the political football though ofc not as much by far and like#idk. y'all ever heard about solidarity? sometimes i feel like i'm back in the place where the loudest traumatised person at the party#is yelling at another young woman like “you'll never understand what it's like to be a victim”#when said young woman was assaulted the week before.#a politics that starts by defending and defining oneself w oppression kinda fucking sucks actually#and intersex people stopped policing intersexness by who got mutilated a long time ago#bc actually we want the generations ahead to not get that treatment#and when i see “trans elders” going on about how “if you pass and got on hrt before 18 you're not trans like i am” i'm like. why! what!#anyway. tired.#may regret this. we shall see#tony muses
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Do you have any SPN fic recommendations? Any ship
i'm gonna recommend specific authors to you instead bc that makes more sense to me than fic recs when i don't know anything abt your taste/preferences
themegalosaurus (hi jess)
adi_rotynd (beloved adihildilid on here)
de_nugis (fandom legend to me)
jribbing
sheepishlion
my samfic hall-of-famers. and that is a very difficult distinction to achieve <3
#asks#anon#i might have missed out on more good shit since 2014 but spn ao3 is as we know a fucking nightmare to navigate#also i would plug my own fic here but again i dont know what you're into
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Interesting that the # of licensed drivers in the US is decreasing
#not really ig bc urbanization is still a force#but it remains up in the air whether we're going to see improvements in public transportation over the next couple decades afaik#also i think a lot of the migration to cities rn is cities that have definitively poor public transportation e.g. houston#or my own beloved charlotte (not beloved)#from experience i know that it can actually be more difficult & less safe to navigate without a car in those places than in rural areas#(btw just looked it up and confirmed it is this sort of city that's seeing population growth)#(mostly)#soo back to why are licensed driver numbers dropping#i think i want to pin it on lack of resources?#plus this is mostly an issue among young adults many of whom weren't physically at school during the time when students take driving classes#this interests me bc people have always thought it was really weird i never learned to drive but i've noticed more and more ppl#especially young women#talking about not knowing how to drive
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I really hate how twt makes it impossible to rly look back at your acct past a certain date. Like when I wanna re-live the glory days of some past fandom on tumblr, I can go back on my archive. On twitter? You're fucked imo.
Man, I just wanna look back at my acct to see the fanart I reblogged when some specific genshin pv came out, but it's basically impossible. It makes me wish I downloaded a lot more art/fanart in general, bcs its so hopeless atp :/
#i mean its always been like this so#but i hate it#bcs twt was honestly the best place to find art imo#like soooooo much top quality fanart and original art#AND NOW ITS JUST LOST TO TIME#yeah it exists out there#but im fucked if i cant remember specifically#and my twt download folder is a graveyard of art i had actually made the step to save#aaaghhh it just makes me upset bcs i rly love my twt account#like i reblogged a lot of good art on there. way more than on here tbh#but yeah. irs rly impossible to look back on#LIKE WHY WOULD THEY MAKE A SOCMED THATS SO IMPOSSIBLE TO NAVIGATE#grrrrr idk it makes me angry#bcs ir feels like every other socmed is almost obsessed with archiving and being able to look back#like archive on here. insta you can go back all the way on someones acct and also archive your own stuff#basically every other socmed has better search functions#and yet the one where i felt like i experienced the best content is just. impossible.#its not even an x thing. its always been like this#and honestly if elon fixed that id prob be willing to go back on twt again 😭😭😭#catie.rambling.txt
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June 2024 ^
August 2022 ^
original image
#redrawww#while i like both of these a fair amount-there is a lot of difference between the two#just how i preffer drawing now compared to 2 years ago#crazy looking back lol#my art#promare#lio fotia#also. the newer one was simpler for me to do#and ended up being faster now that i actually can navigate through all the app stuff on procreate#i also did not put as much detail into the redraw because i wanted to emulate the studio trigger style a little bit more while having#my own twist still
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guys i have been in a state for days. i am giddy i am gasping for air i am broken inside i am blushing i am sweating i am twirling my hair i am suffering i dont know how to deal with the very real possibility that nandor has loved guillermo for years and has been restraining himself, feigning aloofness, keeping his distance, because all these years he understood that maybe guillermo would never be ready for vampirism - and maybe hes been so depressed in the latest years because hes finally found someone he wants to spend eternity with, and he strongly suspects he will spend eternity missing them instead
#i truly truly truly dont know how to deal#this season recontextualised the whole show for me#if i shipped nandermo before now i am absolutely batshit crazy about them and its all i think about#wwdits#wwdits spoilers#what we do in the shadows#nandermo#this is just speculation but i just - i feel it in my bones#like fuck imagine having been alone for 800 years. fuck. imagine losing lover after lover and being kind of a disaster at romance actually#imagine finding someone you so easily connect with and theyre so amazing you love them so much they can even hold their own against you#and fuck they like you back. and then you understand that they are too fundamentally kind to be a monster.#and its like a fucking stake through the heart its like youre made of glass and youre shattering#i hate this and i swear to god. they need to end up together. not just to end up together#they need to spend the rest of their lives together and ideally eternity tbh#i dont care gizmo you get over the killing hangup and have nandor turn you and spend eternity in#bliss and shenanigans. like man. man. man. i love how this season turned out i really do#but i hope its more of a ‘he had not thought it through and wasn’t ready and also we need to have nandor do it fr’#anyway nandor becoming human is also ok but i really hope that they find a way to navigate guillermos inability to kill#like. nandor killing for him or him robbing blood banks or him only hunting predators etc#or him feeding without killing people#just bc i still really like the concept of them having so much time together and their time together not be limited#i feel like after all those years pining for one another. they deserve that
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honestly one of my least favourite things about online spaces centered around cluster b personality disorders is that they almost treat the disorders as an in joke. like its never quite anti recovery rhetoric but a lot of the times it feels like it becomes this thing where something harmful gets spurred on as a personality trait to nurture rather than a symptom to keep an eye on. freaks me the fuck out.
it could be because growing up i was pretty familiar with cluster b spaces and i lost a couple of friendships due to it becoming this whole "i have this disorder now i have to knowingly indulge the more harmful and dangerous symptoms im supposed to be treating to really prove i have this disorder!" thing.
like babes i still believe youre borderline, you dont need to go full tilt maintaining a numbered and ranked list of the people most important to you and assigning a fp role to someone who frankly is not responsible for your stability.
#i lost a friend yeeeeaaaars ago like almost 10 years ago now#who discovered npd and started using it as a justification for treating us like shit and seeing us as lesser#which was so fucking crazy to me as someone whos pretty fucking certain they have npd#bc if anything its made me a hell of a lot more aware of how i treat people around me#because like theres a lot worse things i can be than arrogant and self obsessed. but i dont wanna be arrogant and self obsessed AND cruel#like i fell victim to the borderline personality trait shit as a kid hardcore#and didnt realise i was probably comorbid npd til literally last year so i dodged that#but literally the reason i didnt realise it was probably also npd is because of how people dehumanize people w npd#like most of my exposure to npd in my own life has been absolute fucking menaces#but so has bpd. the people with bpd who have remained part of my life have always been people w bpd who keep an eye on their behaviour#bc no personality disorder makes you evil but not monitoring your symptoms does almost always make you irresponsible#like its very weird seeing people in my life react wildly differently to the discovery or diagnosis#like i just have 0 energy for people who get a diagnosis and just use it to excuse their treatment of others#and this comes from someone who was The borderline menace at age 16#i think realising i probably have npd has made me a lot more aware of my own ego among other things#and ive had enough therapy for bpd to feel comfortable navigating most of the npd stuff rn without an official dx yet#bc id say ive already been trying to curb certain behaviour for years now without realising it could be linked to smth in particular#its just a new explanation. but i dont think its an excuse#i hope that ex friend is dealing with his shit better now. i still think hes a dick but he was a struggling teenager so all i can do is like#hope hes grown up and doing better mentally and has better friends. bc god knows our friend group was pretty unhealthy#txt
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And today's "deeply distracting au while i wait for my wrist to calm down from attempting to write for too long" iiiiiiiiiis Subnautica! an inevitability for every fandom i'm in after a certain point tbh i just LOVE Subnautica... would love to actually play it myself one day when i have a better computer
ANYWAYS I'm spicing it up this time by mashing both games together and also really mixing up the hermits.
The premise is that the Hermatrix Convoy (HC), a trio of spaceships that travels together in a group as a defense measure against outside dangers, is on its journey. When they have to reroute to slingshot 4546-B, they don't think it's going to be a problem. Knowing the planet is uninhabited and that no other ships are nearby, they all go for the slingshot at the same time, separated by mere seconds.
The gun, of course, gets them all.
Hermatrix-1 crashes in a shallow part of the flooded surface in the subtropics (the setting of the first game) and completely loses the ship, though a dozen survive. Hermatrix-2 crashes in the arctic (Subnautica: Below Zero); their ship remains habitable for survival, but barely, and eight survive.
Hermatrix-3, the smallest of the convoy, manages to switch to planetside navigation and mitigates the damage from the crash. If they want to get off-planet, they'll need some serious repairs, but in the meantime they can still move through the water like a particularly clumsy and slow submarine. The problem is figuring out where they are besides "deep, deep underwater," and what exactly the giant lifeforms the scanner insists are out there are...
Of course, there's groups within each ship as well. The friend groups of HC's staff and passengers does not necessarily correlate to ship assignment, which only adds to the stress of crashing on a supposedly-safe planet's anti-spacecraft gun.
Hermatrix-1's survivors: BDubs (architect, passenger), Zedaph (theoretical physicist), Pearl (janitor), Beef (psychologist), False (metallurgist, passenger), Etho (navigator), Scar (actor, passenger), Hypno (gov't agent, passenger), Iskall (athlete, passenger), xB (xenohistorian, passenger), Jevin (communicator specialist), Keralis (doctor)
Hermatrix-2's survivors: Ren (captain), Xisuma (cybersec specialist), Gem (ambassador, passenger), Impulse (chemist, passenger), Wels (bodyguard, passenger), Joe (teacher, passenger), Cub (CEO, pasenger), Grian (shipwright)
Hermatrix-3's survivors: Doc (spacecraft engineer), Mumbo (architect, passenger), Stress (pharmacologist), Tango (mechanical engineer, passenger), Cleo (acting captain)
If it doesn't clarify them as a passenger, then they are a member of the ship's crew. Loosely based on s9 roles, if that wasn't clear - though some of these are definitely going to change because I don't know some of these Hermits well enough yet.
#about the author#hermnautica#me: i need to take a break from writing#me: writes out this instead#there's sooooooo much more already like. there's a gem and wels subplot for lore and bodyguard reasons#there's a whole thing with cleo's armor stand abilities vs the ghost leviathans#the effect of kharaa on everyone of course#scar pretending to be his next superhero role to Cope with it#each ship has its own sort of separate goal to contribute to the overall goal of Fucking Leave#h-1 is dismantle the gun#h-2 is find a cure for kharaa (FROZEN LEVIATHAN TIME)#and h-3 is navigate to an island so we can take off#would probably limit it to maybe six pov's? two per group#pearl and false for h-1#xisuma and gem for h-2#tango and cleo for h-3#that's what my instinct says at least. we'd see if that stayed true#ALSO there's a whole thing with h-1's survivors. they all start off scattered in life pods :3 :3#as a little nod to both the subnautica lore discovery system and the scattered au on here#anyways hi please ask me questions about this. or any au i've listed before. i think i'm up to 11 now? of the ones i've posted abt at least
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hearing my friend talk about her roster sounds so outlandish to me. like im glad for you bbg and it's so interesting but i don't think i can even imagine being in that same headspace. i can maybe like someone like once a year
#i fully think i might be somewhere on the aroace spectrum#but i know i do genuinely want to be loved romantically#just it's so weirdly difficult for me#and i tend to confuse platonic and romantic feelings#i also realised there were times i just desperately wanted affection i kind of fucked things up for myself more than i should have#when i felt so lonely i latched onto the first person who made me feel seen without me thinking#i can see that i was just feeling a lot during that time and im happy with being friends#god i was such a mess#but also if i didn't go through that i wouldn't have grown into the person i am now#i can cringe at myself and maybe fall back into bad habits but at least now i know better#and this all depends on the person#personally i don't like the idea of rosters and thinking about it stresses me out but everyone has they're own way of things#txt#little ramble#it's also a little frustrating and lonely trying to navigate through my own lesbianism since it still all feels so fresh#im trying not to feel too isolated but ill live#and im still growing so i recognise ill still make decisions i will regret#but i will be more gentle with myself#it's so hard to let myself be happy#actually fuck rosters i don't like thinking about people in that way
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i finally got a money order for my new passport, scheduled my appointment for tomorrow, got my auto insurance printed, and set out vinegar and dish soap gnat traps to finally kill those thangs. literally so adultcore of me. everyone clap
#fr that i am glad i at least got out of the apartment ive been a real homebody for awhile#i ran into a guy from my old creative writing class with his girlfriend that i thought. wasnt real#but no she was really gorgeous and hes just some guy. kind of hilarious seeing couples like that#anyway also got drinks for my gay little minifridge#oh and finally got paid for a comm hooray!!#and i took out the trash#AND im getting some packages today#wow today is so eventful. so much going on#<- doesnt even mean that sarcastically this is way more than i do on an average day#these are all really little. stupid things. but my life used to be so stagnant#maybe it was because i was a child but. all of these things would have scared me to do on my own#if i keep talking im going to get sappy about how i thought i would never get here. like#never live past 18 and never do stuff like this just. normal stuff.#there was a point in my life where the thought of printing important documents made me physically ill#and running into people i know outside? HAH#no way to navigate those social interactions except stare at my feet#idk what changed. i guess i just grew#and im still growing. heart emoji#if i can do these things while im 20 imagine what i can do when im 30 and 40 and 50 etc etc#i can do things on my own. i dont have to grin and bear it. i can put out the gnat traps and kill the gnats#yanno. anyway!
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8i've been thinking about the last asks i got today. and i think it's better for me to take a step back from this account. i know the anon didn't mean anything by it, but i still feel like i am being a negative presence on here and weirding people out with who i am is nothing i want. so, i am not deleting or anything. i am just gonna be less present with sharing personal things or leaving tags. I'll probably be more active on my second account where i don't have that many followers :)
#i guess it affected me more than i'd like to#i don't want to make people uncomfortable#and i am sorry if i did that with any of my posts i know they have been overly emotional and maybe a bit insane#it's true that i am trying to deal with losing and finding peace i am not very good at this due to my intense emotions#and my fear of loneliness and losing people. i am also in a very bad depressive episode. i am aware that this isn't an excuse for any#of my behavior. i never had a support system so dealing with all this on my own and getting no therapist who is willing to see you#it's a downer. guilt is eating me alive and my mental condition is the something that has ruined a lot for me but it has never before done#such a terrible job before. recovering from that and dealing with the aftermath of this is exhausting and has taken a toll on my physical#and mental health i know this post doesn't mean anything to most of all and is at best confusing but i guess it's my poor attempt#of avoiding that people will hate me. i don't want to self-pity more than i already did. but i do that all on my own already.#i know that life is so much more difficult than fiction and you can't expect miracles or believe in faith to fix anything#i know there is no cure to who i am. i can only try to navigate it better in the future. it doesn't mean that i can't regret what i did.#that i can't feel guilty about it. i know that won't change anything but i am also trying to get better and i understand if that's not#visible. i just have to believe that one day it will be enough for people to say 'hey. i know you are fucked up.#and you hurt me and you've been a bitch. but we'll work on it. i believe in you.' otherwise i have to believe that this loneliness#is all there is and that i'm gonna die hollow#i don't want much. i just want some patience and peace#i want to believe that i am worthy of love and that i can get a future. and yes. me talking about wanting a wife and this stupid apple pie#life... maybe it's cliche and stupid but i have been alone for years and i am so tired of fighting. is it so bad that i don't want to do#this alone? and that goes for friends as well. i want to cook for people built things and tend to a garden to take care of animals#and to create instead of destroying for once.#i don't know why i am still writing i guess when the dam breaks... again. i am sorry for ever making people uncomfortable or even hurting#them that was never my intention. i promise#so i really hope. whoever is reading this. i hope you are doing alright. i hope you had/have a good day. tell the people you care about#you love them and enjoy the little things. read that book. eat that chocolate or do whatever brings you joy. the world is so difficult to#navigate but you are doing such a great job by just existing. you are making this world a better place with the light you radiate#the last thing I want to do something I never can forgive myself for is hurting people#not only but especially the ones I care about. but beyond that those I barely know too because I care about you guys too#I just don't want that... I want to leave the world better than I found it but I'm having a hard time doing it due to this stupid fucking#brain of mine.
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