#this is about ocd
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disgust
#art#comic#artists on tumblr#[rare art tag]#poetry#i guess if you squint it counts as that.#r slur tw#this is about ocd#arttex
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*slacks on actively managing my lifelong mental illness and lets things get completely out of control while hiding the extent of it*
*symptoms get worse to the point of causing negative health consequences*
Hmm, how could this have happened? A mystery...
#this is about ocd#this moment is a new moment tho and such is life i did better before i can again but. 🤡#sleep issues aside my doctor got frustated with me. my partner called me out and his patience is low because i wont go back to therapy#still this time i was like i will try to actively do the work again i let it get this bad i know i did nothing so of course it spiraled#to this point#if that doesnt work? okay maybe. maybe i will consider.#because i actually am low key putting my life at risk with one of the rituals and that is so fucking stupid#actually typing it out and admitting it while embarrassing is kinda helpful. like yeah. what. that is insane lue. you need to do the work.#jesus christ 😔#-pers#-vent
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i hate how much of life is just waiting for shit to get better. ive been waiting for over ten fucking years, any news yet???
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being self aware suuuucks like yeah this thought pattern/behavior is stupid and pointless and a symptom. i know this. [does it anyways
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the way people online talk about autism is getting really weird, like do they know that neurotypicals still have interests? that someone being passionate about a hobby doesn't mean they're autistic? you guys know that right
#woof#like self diagnosis is one thing#but saying someone is autistic because they talk about a specific hobby a lot is weird (and waters down the actual definition of autism)#and its no different than saying someone has ocd bc they organize their books alpabetically#or saying someone has ADHD because they got distracted by something#and people who aren't even autistic are honestly getting way too comfortable with autism jokes
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this is just a bunch of text and barely a comic sorry, but i really wanted to talk about this stuff even if i don't have the energy to properly draw
#myart#ocd#actually ocd#moral ocd#scrupulosity ocd#religious ocd#mental health#you can tell i got lazy towards the end i apologize lol#but yeah this has been on my mind ...#and the fact its so underrepresented / falsely represented is what pushed me to talk about it i suppose
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there is a great asteroid that hangs in the sky below the clouds but above the buildings. the only thing keeping it from finally falling and killing us all are my thoughts and my feelings. I can't falter. I can't lose hope. I can not let the bad thoughts win. I have to keep my mind focused away from all doubts, or else the asteroid will fall. everywhere I walk, I see it in the sky, judging me. I can not see the sun, I do not believe it exists. but I have to hope it does. I can't let the asteroid win. I have to bear this weight for humanity. I can never know peace, but I have to keep hoping that it will come.
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sometimes i randomly remember how insane maggie stiefvater was for making ronan lynch—a man that can create reality—a man of god, when he himself is a god of a man. then to take this man and have him be not only in love with, but a literal soulmate of a man named adam. parrish. adam parrish. who, mind you, lives above ronan's very own place of worship. and is the namesake of the first of mankind that the bible says god made from the literal dust of the ground (adam parrish: comes from nothing, hair "dusty" in color) and appoints him to care for the garden of eden (adam parrish: sacrifices himself to ronan's sentient forest). then has adam viewing ronan as a god and ronan saying "maybe he dreamt (created)" adam???? like who just fucking writes that and goes about their life?
#if i think about them too long i start going actually insane#maggie pay for my therapy bills please#me and my ignored religious trauma are literally have never been able to handle it#the raven cycle#pynch#ronan lynch#adam parrish#and the fact that i read the series pretty soon after i realized that pretending i believed in god was doing more harm than good and left#i was still a kid and had very bad undiagnosed ocd that made my implusive thoughts surrounding hell and eternal damnation and the end days#and it terrified me so much as a queer trans kid to realize i didnt believe but still had thoughts of that in my head and then to read this#series like a year or 2 later was brain altering for me#anyways where was i going with this#ahahahha#im having a moment#adam's last name is pretty self explanatory too like....miss girl
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Look, this is what moral OCD is like for me:
I walk past a piece of paper. I don’t pick it up because I had a long day at work and it’s very cold outside. This then becomes my internal monologue:
I didn’t pick up that piece of paper, I should have. Don’t I care about the environment? It’s not my trash, I shouldn’t have to pick it up. But also that’s how these things happen right? We place the blame on others as our environment degrades. It was just a piece of paper, it’s not like it can do that much damage. But also how do I know: I’m not an environmental expert. Maybe stray paper scraps are killing the frogs. You’re literally killing the frogs. You should look up how many frogs die a year so you know how shitty you are-No stop it.
I care about the environment, and I recycle and I joined green activism movements but is that enough? I could be doing more. I should be doing more. I should donate my entire check to charity. But isn’t it self serving to think that my one check could help that much? Do I really think I’m that important, how self entitled and-no stop it, reset! You are obsessing and if you fall for it, you will not eat dinner. Let it go.
Okay it’s just a piece of paper. It’s okay you skipped it this once: it could have had something dangerous on it. Yeah that makes sense. But also, that means I’m putting my own safety over trying to help the environment, which is very selfish of me. I’m just one shitty person: god how could I be so self absorbed. I should have picked up the piece of paper. I’m so selfish, and shitty and-no, no, stop it! This is not helpful. It’s fine.
It’s been a long day and I’m cold, that’s not a crime- no that’s being selfish again, you’re making excuses. You’re just a lazy piece of shit who doesn’t care about others, and selfish and God the fact you’re thinking this much about one piece of paper shows how selfish you are, you care more about if you’re a good person than anything else, you’re a piece of shit, you’re a piece of shit, YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT.
I get home and open up Tumblr. The first post I see says “if you don’t reblog this post about the environment you’re as complicit as an oil billionaire.” I close my computer and resign myself to looking up the state frog populations until I go to bed.
I don’t eat dinner.
The amount of frogs that die a year is somewhere from 200 million to over 1 billion.
#moral ocd#ocd#scrupulosity#Iz rambles#this is okay to reblog I think people really don’t get it#mental illness#the issue with the social media post is not that it exists or that OP even feels about this issue: the issue is it validates my ocd#I don’t obsess about frogs but that is a bummer stat I do rather like them#obsessive compulsive disorder
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if anyone needs help identifying things that can become moral scrupulosity OCD obsessions/compulsions, heres a list of some i've experienced:
rereading your posts/texts over and over
checking your notes and/or followers list frequently to "make sure" bad actors aren't interacting with you
checking OP's blog before interacting with posts
compulsively opening a social media tab to look at your notifs and then closing it, over and over
fearing ways that things you say/do (or don't do) could be taken in bad faith. being anxious that your words/actions will be misconstrued as morally wrong, bigoted, rude, or aggressive
feeling guilty or obsessing over whether you should or shouldn't have reblogged a post
feeling like you aren't "allowed" to disengage from online discourse or unfollow people who post it
fearing you're being stalked, talked about, or called out behind your back. fearing you'll never be forgiven and that people might even celebrate your disappearance or death, even though you havent done anything wrong
searching your own name/username to see if anyone is actually talking about you
imagining defenses you would make against nonexistent heinous accusations or arguments against you, to prove that you didnt do it
feeling like you have to roll over and become a doormat when others are cruel to you, because it could cause strife if you do anything other than grovel or apologize
having trouble enforcing your own boundaries out of fear that they are somehow "wrong" or unethical
ending up surrounded by people who have all the "right opinions" but are super mean and unpleasant, and make you feel like you have to walk on eggshells
fearing that just HAVING moral ocd makes you a bad person somehow (for example, i often fear that having moral ocd is somehow pushing a 'stranger danger' or misanthropist agenda, even though i actually have a lot of faith in my fellow humans)
some of these bullet points are not inherently bad on their own, but if you find yourself having this kind of anxiety very often, that's not normal, and it's time to get offline or even seek professional help if it's impacting your life
this list is catered to how online culture influences moral scrupulosity, it is not indicative of how everybody's moral scrupulosity functions, and it is not exhaustive
#amygdalae#ocd#actually ocd#moral ocd#moral scrupulosity#ive had OCD since as far back as i can remember but it used to be religious and contamination related#i actually started to grow out of my OCD symptoms until i started using social media as a teenager. i had trouble making friends IRL#i ended up in some very emotionally abusive online friend groups that basically trained these behaviors into me like a dog#its not entirely their fault. its something im just biologically predisposed to. and it can latch onto anything!#the wild part about OCD is that it grows and changes with you. for better or for worse
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I feel like if you're using a lot of disposable plastic bags in your day to day life, you've gotta do something sustainable to make up for it. Like using bamboo toilet paper or eco friendly cat litter or something, yknow
Honestly I exaggerate for comedic effect, while I DO routinely use ziplock bags to hold spaghetti I cook maybe once a month and the bag itself is usually for freezer storage. I actually throw out maybe one bag a week? I DO hate washing plates and tupperware and junk but that usually just means I eat sandwiches without a plate.
I agree though that needless waste should be avoided, and I do avoid it- biodegradable bags and recyclables, empty butter tubs used to store leftovers, etc.
This said, though, not applicable necessarily for myself but for a lot of others- I feel that it's importat to remember that there are many people who legitimately NEED things like plastic straws, or catheters, or pre-packaged foods
And the idea that that's a moral failing that individuals need to personally make up for when a single billionaire blows out more CO2 in a long weekend than I will in my whole life on a superjet meet-cute in the Bolivian rainforest between humvee drag races funded by the river-polluting textiles plants they planted in a third world country to avoid EPA laws and give an entire village stillbirths and stomach cancer is an idea that those very same bigwigs have spent a LOT of time and money investing in planting in the public psyche.
Like- Glass bottles are infinitely recyclable, so why are so many drinks in plastic now? Loads of drinks manufacturers used to buy them back and clean them for re-use, so why did they stop? If they chose to make something out of a limited and environmentally irresponsible material, why is it my failing to track down a correct process of disposal for them? What if there are none in my area? Do I lobby for more recycling plants in my area? Do I set aside some of my limited time outside the pain factory of my job- which I have more than one of, thanks to rising costs of things just like that drink I just emptied- to properly dispose of this company's waste FOR them?
Say coca-cola just rolled up to your town and started dumping millions of empty plastic bottles in the street, going, "wow, you should really think about building and staffing a recycling depot, it would be really shameful of you to just put these in the trash." When companies purposefully use materials with limited lifespans- because yes, even plastic can only be reused so many times- and tell you it's your own fault if it harms the environment- that's essentially what they're doing, just with more steps.
Yes, its important to be as environmentally concious as we can in our day to day life, but responsible sustainability is not catholicism. We don't get good boy points from our lord and savior Captain Planet every time the average low-income household gathers together to hold hands and repent for a single-use plastic that allows them to access something they need.
Entire families could eat trees and shit dead lithium batteries for years and still not do as much damage to the planet as an average dye plant or braindead celebrity does in a week just for fun, and I'm mad about it
...this went on longer than intended.
TL/DR: DO recycle and minimize waste, but don't beat yourself up over the little waste you can't avoid, and follow the money.
EDIT: Part 2
#I swear to god if any one of you in the notes calls me terminally online or pretends I'm saying you can just dump bags in the ocean#Yes definitely do your best to live sustainably#But also#You personally are not killing pandas#Unless you are in which case please stop#We put too much money into pandas but let them go in peace#Go do some yoga#Sorry if this is a lot but I have a friend with OCD who has legit panic attacks over stuff like this#Like they have to throw out a ripped plastic grocery bag they've had for six years instead of using it to weave yard furniture or smthn#And they'd go into a spiral about killing the planet#So like#I have strong feelings now
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does anyone know an intrusive thought is an unwanted thought and not something that turns you on? like where in the world did these things get mixed up? there is no such thing as coping with intrusive thoughts by sexualizing them because an intrusive thought is intrusive.
people who actually have things like pocd and zocd can end up abandoning loved ones over it, abandoning their children over it, and committing suicide. literally there are mothers who think they can't be around their kids because of pocd making them think they're a danger to children. I don't think you realize how debilitating these things actually are. it's just a buzzword to you, truly.
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Guilt tripping people does nothing but cause vulnerable folks to spiral and make folks who dont live with moral OCD feel negatively toward your cause
#gopher rambles#what the fuck do I tag this as#feel free to reblog but you dont have to#edit: pls not that im not saying 'only folks with moral ocd are negatively affected' or 'if these make you spiral you have moral ocd'#i mostly pointed that out because folks on this hellsite seem to only give a damn about things folks feel if theres a 'valid reason' to#which is shitty and stupid. but sometimes you gotta work with the shitty stupid shit to get your point across
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you will never be a bad person for not reblogging a post on tumblr, please remember that
#opinion#ocd#ocd safe#dont you fucking dare disagree with me. dont even try. i will not argue you will be blocked on sight#intrusive thoughts about your own morality are one hell to live with#youre not helping mentally ill people by threatening others into reblogging your awareness posts. youre harming them
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Sure dirk strider
#homestuck#my art#homestuck fanart#hs fanart#dirk strider#homestuck dirk#recently saw some posts about OCD dirk#i like that headcanon#i like it!!#also ignore brunette dirk#it fit the piece better as brunette#maybe im projectin but i like the ideas n art ideas that come with the ocd dirk headcanon#theres alot i can express with homestuck characters + dirk#so i like the headcanon alot!!!!!!
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relatedly, I think that some of the most extreme takes about morality and relationships and "being a good person" come from people with undiagnosed/unrecognised/mismanaged obsessive thinking. and that, here on the social internet, we often all do a really good job at fuelling each other's worst obsessive tendencies*
*in case this breaks containment: this is coming from someone with OCD. I have been diagnosed for several years now and have been thinking about this a lot
#ocd#my current OCD spiral was triggered by something in my offline life#but it's caused me to think a lot about. things that have triggered me in the past#so that's that
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