#this is a big moment for me specifically bc
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hi . I think I'm polyam
#this is a big revelation for me#apparently it was so obvious that even my sibling noticed it before me and I . was completely oblivious#but putting the pieces together#it was sooooo obvious . oh my god#it's stupidly funny#this is a big moment for me specifically bc#every aspect of my queer identity I've had it figured out since like . 2016#wait no not that far#idk since which year but since I was 15 years old#I chose the perfect name on the first try and I've been identifying as a#aspec gay nonbinary boy for basically forever#I thought I had it all figured out already#um . turns out I missed something#this is very very funny <- says guy who thinks everything is funny including tragedy and violence#lucasings#somebody congratulate me on my revelation
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When the only person who might understand what happened- understand. Not sympathize or empathize or comfort you but understand what happened, isn't there anymore. Or: 'A Man Made Me Do Something I Didn't Want To', for when you can't talk about it or look it in the eye [Patreon | Commissions]
#Tuvok#Kes#comix#idk how to tag this bc of the allusion#st voy#star trek voyager#bea art tag#comix page#star trek#this is not a one to one allegory nor is it meant to be - I am specifically focusing in on the loss of bodily autonomy that occurs when#Kes and Tuvok have their bodies taken over purposefully by men for various reasons which all boil to power. 'Because I could' and Because#they thought Kes or Tuvok wouldn't be able to stop them from doing so. Because they thought they had the power to do so so why wouldn't#they? But again this is not one to one - I interpret and will continue to interpret these instances in many different ways#But something that sticks with me in canon is how 'impervious' Tuvok is made - There is that scene at the end of Warlord which#shows that Kes is affected by what just happened to her - she's confused and hurt and doesn't know what to DO now that the in-the-moment#fight is over and it's time to just keep living and Tuvok comforts her but when he will go on to be taken over again and again and again#there will be no one to comfort him - no one HE can go to - and the narrative doesn't say that there should be. Even when he's#taken over by the BORG (an experience which had a lasting traumatic impact on characters like Seven or Picard - granted they were connected#for a lot longer) this is only mentioned offhandedly. One wonders why it occured at all. There's also how the other two main Vulcans#T'Pol and Spock - when they are forced to act emotionally or are in situations that affect their emotional equilibrium there is a big deal#made about it and they are hurt and ashamed and given some degree of care and comfort by those around them but when Tuvok#is forced into similar situations it is simply assumed he'll get over it - not even just by the other characters but the narrative itself#takes it for granted Ex: 'Workforce' where he forgets ALL his Vulcan training or 'Meld' where Suder's influence#unintentionally makes him lose it and try to kill him...THOUGH I think Suder hugging an unconscious Tuvok is perhaps the closest we get to#someone comforting Tuvok after he's been through that sort of ordeal. I'm not saying Tuvok would WANT others to be hugging him#and offering him emotional comfort etc (he's Vulcan) but I find it interesting that the narrative assumes that the black body (even alien)#is more 'durable' than its white counterparts. 'Stronger'. Assumes that there is no interiority which recoils and sustains the damage#when hurt. That there is nothing worth exploring because there is no impact from the impact. A crater lands and the Soil beneath it is#untouched
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starting to kind of date someone right before christmas is so stressful fr. do i get him a gift or what we've been on two dates but i'm seeing him tonight n it's christmas eve.....but what if he didn't get me anything then it will be weird.....
#i planned to try to find something small enough that i could easily carry around concealed then take it out if he got something for me#but the thing i got ened up being a bit too big for that lol#im gonna bring a big bag of gifts for all my friends maybe and then it won't be weird idk#by some miracle my mom showed me a bag of emergency gifts for the girlies and i was like cool im taking all of them tonight 😂#which was not what she intended lol#but im gonna do it#if i had time i would have gotten him something different but its good enough#he mentioned a book he hadn't read last night so would have been cool the got him that but its too late its a music hat now#if he even got me anything idk#but he specifically told me he was last minute christmas shopping so idk#i am over analyzing this for sure tho#anyway most unrealistic part of christmas romance movies is they're not anxious wondering whether to gift or not to gift#also im lowkey scared abt new years 😳#not that i wouldn't like to kiss him probably but i already have a hard time looking at him without blushing 😂#so that would make it 10000x worse lmao#also idk if i want to kiss him JUST bc its new years instead of waiting for the right moment to just happen? idk i dont wanna rush things#its not for sure we'll be together at midnight on new years idk what his plans are#but we'll see#anyway things are going well but moving faster than expected 😅#also not 100% sure i'm seeing him tonight and def not tomorrow so that might take the gift pressure off but idk#waiting to hear back abt tonight#😐😐😐#also idk why we waited until we were both on break from work to do stuff bc honestly every time we've met it's been after work hours anyway#however it allows us to stay up later than on work nights which is nice#he didn't leave my house until after 11 last night lol#anyway trying hard not to get swept up in all this while its new but fr im like oh this is what it's supposed to feel like 🥺#never been in love before every relationship i've had was awk and forced was starting to think maybe im just not capable of love#but literally cuddling on the couch watching it's a wonderful life last night i was like hm i'm definitely capable of love actually#not saying im actually there yet but it would be soooo easy to fall for this guy which is p scary actually#esp bc im not sure it would work for other reasons
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pov you’ve just reread the yi city arc… except that clearly wasn’t ENOUGH because of course your analysis brain had to take over and search for parallels, so you have to go and reread and save the most depressing WWX scenes right after…
i’m fine :))
#catalyst was “at that momrnt wwx saw himself in xxc”#brain: but was there a specific moment on wwx’s end too (or was it more general)? which instant?#(the description made it seem more like a specific moment but it doesn’t ABSOLUTELY rule out the other option)#my money’s on nightless city just post jyl death but it’s not 1:1#of course seeing as it’s describing a feeling. it does NOT have to be 1:1#but you have the parallels between xxc finding out he killed the person he was closest to (sl)#and then wwx seeing i’d say the person he was closest to (jyl) die for his sake#while accusations from others are being thrown#and they’re currently not denying#i was wondering if it could be referring to some time during the siege as well but i’m not sure wwx would be-#unable to “do anything except silently acknowledge the critiques and accusations” then? since he does have sth he’s fighting for there#unlike nightless city#(though that specific wording is partly why i doubted nightless city as well…? since it doesn’t seem like he’s silently acknowledging them)#(instead “he could no longer hear any of them”)#not sure that’s a big enough point of contention though bc context around NC definitely fits the best#of course it could be right afterwards (when he came back to proper consciousness anyway) too and it’s thinking ABT the accusations???#but idk#i do think referring to that moment is most likely#…anyway pictured above is the brain that MADE ME REREAD NIGHTLESS CITY (and “what am i supposed to do now” + wn wq giving themselves in as-#(-other points of comparison)#so thank you very much for that brain….#i’ll probably write sth short about it when my thoughts are less scrambled#or i may keep it to chapter by chapter analysis when i do that#but right now it’s too late#skye rereads mdzs
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the statements of "I leave long analytical comments on fics because i want to, but it takes energy and I don't expect people who read my fics to feel obligated to do the same" and "that being said, it's disappointing to put so much of my time and energy into thorough comments and then have it returned with a single vague comment, keysmash, or emoji when it comes to commenting on my fics" can and do coexist
#it doesn't mean i'm expecting people to burn themselves out trying to comment on my fics#and it doesn't mean i'm going to stop leaving those big analytical comments when i read other people's fics#but like... even just pointing out one specific line or moment you liked makes a world of difference and doesn't take that long to do#i think that's part of why i've been so burnt out lately honestly#in both my irl and my online presence i've been putting so much energy into positivity and engagement with the people around me#and then when i expect it to be returned i'm only getting a fraction of that energy back#but bc everyone in my life knows me as this intensely positive and energetic person who needs to solve every problem in their path#i feel disingenuous for pulling back even if i'm overexerting the energy I have to spare. i'm everyone's support and then i lack my own
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#TAGS TLDR YOU CAN NEVER TRULY GO HOME BUT DO YOU WANT TO?#writing a little for d&d and having feelings about this#it was really interesting jasper and i were working on some game mechanics and we kept getting stuck at weird parts and it developed into#this conversation where we realized we experience the world#in such fundamentally different ways. like specifically talking about how paranoia#manifests and stuff but even later in a broader sense like our experiences of time and everything is so different#and they'd be like 'well what if this is something that happened to lock' and id be like 'how could that be something that anyone would#experience' and they were like 'oh because i do'#(example here was my character not realizing he had been magically transported and filling in the blank with vague memories of travel but i#was like. are you not acutely aware of every single moment you are awake and in motion even if it is excruciatingly boring. and jasper#was like. 'oh...no. i could be transported from one place to another and if time passed i wouldnt even think about having traveled or not'#which was WILD to me but then we were like 'okay i guess this cannot be something that happened to lock' because i couldnt even fathom that#but like anyway idk we got weirdly deep dive-y about d&d stuff and personal lives and i had big feelings on it bc genuinely i feel like#there are facets and caverns in myself i have only ever touched in storytelling but particularly in this campaign#and i've joked a lot about Lock and other chars in this game being self inserts#but i mean it in a good way#like the ways we tell stories or experience a world we created together is going to be through an extension of ourselves etc#but it's interesting to me to consider the limitations that brings yknow? we all live by such vastly different sets of rules and#understandings#and im writing out some stuff now and im like. yknow.#lock can never truly go home. i can never truly go home. none of us can ever truly go home#home as shifting impermanence home as transience etc#2017 levi is back apparently but hes always been right
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i literaly regret not getting bugb plush so bad Actual life lesson experience. from me to you don’t EVER let yourself be like Ohh meh ill live without it NO if a thing you are or HAVE been super duper ultra into is releasing something limited. GET THAT. bwcausw that’s how i felt about that thing because my brain must’ve been going through like a bugb cleanse or something after being obsessed with it for like 3/4 months BUT NOW I REMEMVERED HOW MUCH I LOVE IT AND IM SO MAD AT MYSELF FROM DECEMBER LIKE WHAT IS WRONG WITJ YOUUAAAAAAA
#no i didnt not like bugbo in December i just have depression#and i tend to be apathetic to everything that isnt the thing im fixated on#which in this case was a REALLY big one at the time the plush was announced & released#i could literally never not like bugb are u joking#ALSO unrelated it’s just kinda funny. i think the thing that made me fixated on bugb so intensely again this time#was that one line of his in his regrtevator floor the one that goes Youre disappointing me#BECSUSE LIKE hearing that specific sentence just gave me a holy shit moment bc i immediately pictured him actually saying that in an episode#and yknow how it is my mind just spiralled from there . but also that was the same day sm6 trailer released#BUT LIKE NOW IM SOMEHOW BACK TO BUGB AFTER THAT AT LEAST UNTIL MARCH 31ST#but yeah i think it’s lowkey funny that THAT is what planted it in my brain again literally such a small and simple thing#apparently just hearing a bugb voice line id never heard before is all it takes
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im exploding into a million pieces i found a reddit thread about butches in video games (specifically looking for them) in hopes that there was some kind of lesser known dream daddy-esque butch dating sim or SOMETHING cute like that and guys the fucking crumbs we have to live on you're actually killing me. im withering away why are there no kissable butches in video games im going to throw up and kill everyone. nobody wants a butch dating sim apparently. im gonna go weep in the fetal position
#everybody ignore this it's so stupid but#it's like heres a stard.ew valley mod where you can make leah butch and um idk starf.ield bg characters#and a baldgate3 character. IM CRYING WHERE ARE THE BUTCHES#'why is this making me emotional' (<- very understandable why it would make me emotional)#howling into the night sky ripping ny shirt in twain transforming into a big hairy beast bc i love butches sm#GUHHHHHHHHHH CMONNNNN#i just wanna see people's cute drawings of dykes ok. where is our version of bara#where is it please#im begginbg the universe generally#i need a hero (the song) is emanating from my pores rn. where are they we deserve so much better than this#gahhhh it's all overly palatable softgirl yuri fuckk. where are my big sweaty hairy braless deep voiced dykes im going to kill someone#when is it my turn to be happy wuagghhh#not to say i dislike softgirl yuri but i do not want to kiss them!! sorry but that is a big motivator for this#is wanting a 2d boyfriend (/dyke) because everyone else gets to have one :((#and also like. wanting to see dykes reflective of irl dykes rather than yuri for representation purposes that matter to me personally#and the gender euphoria that can often come from that but also FUCKK#nguhhhhhh oughhhhhh ahhhhhhhhgh. im such a fucking faggot im sick of this#a large chunk of the sapphic population is just completely not represented it's like they only exist in my mind#i never seen them around me either this shit sucks fuck my stupid baka life. wehehhh#exploding into a million pieces#im never expressing any kind of gay yearning again after this im done#is it too much to ask that i see people like me out there?? in many ways but tonight specifically in a butch way#ppl when they even think for a moment of making lesbian media where the dykes aren't sifted through straight attractiveness filters: 😱#again a lesbian dating dim w femmes would rule as well but it's all high schoolers and vaguely anime-hot women#and thats not good enough. it's like if they give a girl a big nose they'll fucking die immediately#maybe the real reason i consume so much homoerotic buff guy media is because SOMETIMES ppl draw them as butches#(<- not the reason but maybe loosely vaguely part of the reason)#anyway this was inspired by me watching ppl react to like. a popular pretty boy dating sim#and trying to figure out some equivalent experience for me but i can't bc none of it is made for me#killing everyone and then killing them again. hatred
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/ so I finally updated my rules and verses pages to reflect current activity and such since they were a bit outdated. if you haven't checked them in a long time, pleeeease at least skim them again! I think I mostly got everything, but I'd realized I hadn't properly updated them since shortly after I made this blog. 🙇♀️
#{ bravewolf mun }#/ part of the updates are cleaning things up and reflecting more recent stuff/decisions (some I updated without saying so along the way)#part of it is that like. previously I was trying to like. force myself to comply with some loc game aspects#bc I figured nobody would wanna write with me if my muse was strictly a JP portrayal#but the more I tried to use any Yuri-specific loc aspects the more uncomfortable I became with them (esp personality conflicting moments)#and the more I thought abt it I realized like... why am I trying to force myself to write things that make me so angry#and I slowly but surely started to yeet them all out one by one along the way#and by the time I realized it my rules no longer reflected my decision to be strictly JP based#I just genuinely used to be worried nobody would wanna write with a version of a character they didn't know#so I rly appreciate everyone still writing with me even if they aren't familiar with my specific muse#I recognize he's very different than what most ppl in the west know and I was rly just#afraid of ppl not wanting to write with me thinking my muse was too ooc but like#they're just practically two very different people in a lot of core ways#I know it shouldn't be a big deal that ppl are writing with me bc of this but... it is!!!#I rly thought ppl would be turned off writing with me out of lack of familiarity with the version I play#but you've all been rly nice to me abt it and I've been able to develop my muse freely the way I'm happy and comfortable with#and I'm not afraid to be up front with which version I play now so ummm idk thank u guys ;n;#just mentioning it bc I know my rules prob look a lot more firm abt my position on my muse now#aside from that stuff there are a few odd end updates and rewordings in there! /
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very very funny to me when people say "gender" abt pictures of young paul mccartney bc ever since i was a little kid i've thought he looked like my dad
#specifically at age like 15-20#i also thought human shrek looked like my dad as a kid tho so maybe i just thought every white guy was my dad when i was little#my mom is a big beatles fan so i would have probably seen an image of paul mccartney relatively soon after being born#i think i just accepted him as my father#gorgug moment ??#anyway i think it's funny when people have crushes on him bc he's very Dad to me#which i only realized now is kind of weird#bri babbles
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also. this trip has been making me fully realize how much my hypermobility affects my life lmao and like. i guess just how connected my issues are it’s almost like my body is a whole interconnected unit
#but not by my shitty connective tissues ba dum tss! anyway.#this has actually been several months in the making. and then years if you really think about it. but mostly this year ive been really#sitting with it. like yeah this causes chronic pain for me. it affects me day to day like every moment. trying to figure out how to#reduce pain my body has been compensating for so long i have to reteach it how to function. u know#and also i really would love to get some mobility aids for myself for rougher days at least but lol. money#maybe i will at some point or ill try to diy#ive been using a tip from tiktok it said to use a scarf and tie it at night. dont have a scarf so ive been using pants#and it helps sooo much with keeping my shoulders in place it's so nice#abby talks#and then i have to specifically try to position pillows to support my knees. what i really need is one of the like#big triangle pillow things. my mom has one and i would use it at pt. gave my knees and hips such a break ugh#i will say this is an instance where tiktok is really helpful bc having people who also have these conditions and#relating it to neurodivergence and talking abt the way it all interacts and genuine ways to help yourself#is so nice. bc you know a google search is just gonna be like You might have loose joints if your joints are loose. like ok i’ll go fuck#myself i guess
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doing this sort of deep and detailed worldbuilding that doesn't really happen in my litfic works (well worldbuilding is still there, but even when i write litfic in a fictional setting it's not the same as this speculative project where there's lots of specific lore) has felt really nice because it's something to hold onto and familiarise myself with before i jump into the draft, but also because i'm not trying to outline the story alongside that i'll still get all the ways that discovery writing benefits me. making me think about how whether you're plotting a story ahead of drafting or not these sort of pre drafting rituals are really helpful and can take so many different forms depending on the story + writer
#i think esp with discovery writing a big thing is understanding what your anchor is going into a draft#that helps you get the benefits of discovery writing but also keeps you like. grounded??#which i don't see talked about a lot probably bc of the 'flying by the seat of your pants' thing. which i think is a misconception#even when you ARE going into something fully unknowing. in that case the possibilities that come with unknowing is the anchor#because in that case the writer/story benefits from the questioning around their idea going into a draft. the mystery of it all#and then sometimes a very vague outline that gives you space to prioritise discovery writing is the anchor#basically something familiar to hold onto whilst you're uncovering everything around it#a lot of time for me it's the character but here it feels like the world itself#i dont think this is discovery writing specific but i think if you have an outline going in + prioritise plotting then like#thats most likely the anchor#dallon when he ponders new writing theory in the tags of a tumblr post#also i say not try to outline because inevitably with the worldbuilding im getting ideas and things#like understanding the lore means realising moments where certain lore is revealed etc.#but i'm not like. intentionally outlining ?? idk ?? we'll see#i tried outlining this last nano and it didnt really help me with prep and going in but it helped in the middle of the month
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Dying of sensory issues (chilly but the air is too still and any time I turn on a fan it makes something move and I hate the sound and also it makes me either too hot or too cold depending on the setting) BUT!! Um. Thinking about homoerotic consumption soso much so it’s fine
#specifically the gentle quiet moments after the freak shit where like. daemia is holding pyr while he slowly recovers from whatever the hell#feeds her bc the mass to regrow body parts has to come from SOMEWHERE. sometimes this is Pyrric snacks. they ofc make it gay. somethin#somethin being determined good enough to feed back to her beloved something something raising pyrric’s self esteem by believing#wholeheartedly that daemia wouldn’t settle for less than wonderful something something#anyhow the um. them curled into each other#if it’s been particularly brutal. the moment when pyrric’s healed enough to start purring. it’s rough at first- of course it is- but it#settles back into the rhythm that daemia knows from them soon enough nodnod#also um. how when pyr gets stuck as big creature. goes to dae for help. he’s like help I’m panicking too much to be people shaped again and#that’s freaking me out more. usually it lasts till pyr naps or smth but um. dae company helps. dae SNUGGLES especially help.#daemia: does some evil shit#Pyrric: looking at her with the biggest roundest eyes with so much love
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...
#sometimes u just gotta have a cringe fail weekend. is what i tell myself bc i let the fact that i forgot to check my new#email completely obliterate me. also i haven't been sleeping enough. also just the normal thoughts in my head#by which i mean the part of my brain that demands consequences for inattention by means of suffering. devine punishment.#which is irrational and annoying but knowing that doesnt seem to help. so ive just been laying here in the hopes i come unspooled and start#to disintegrate. which is annoying bc ive got stuff to do#specifically bc i am supposed to b a TA this semester. which is what i figured but also feared#so. thats gonna b a lot. tho not as much as my old school bc they dont make TAs do literally everything here apparently#but. itll b a lot. and also i have to finish signing up for classes. bc i didnt do that back in April by my brain was melting. also i have#to keep doing my job and dealing with my data. ugh. well. being a TA isnt so bad. i do like to help ppl learn even if im not very good at it#like. i struggle with thr talking to ppl part. like the transition of ny thoughts to something thst makes sense#oh well. hope i end up teaching something im not too unqualified for. i could do soils. Ecology. uhhh. maybe intro bio but i never even took#university level biology. i just skipped upper level courses. that's probably it. anything else would b a lotta faking it#ugh. im tired. i should go to sleep at 9pm. thr sun hasbt even set and i should sleep#tomorrow i have to get my shit together. but also i wanna email my new professor like hey bro like what do u want me to do???#like how do i start in this lab? when do we start talking. like just not to b pushy but whats thr procedure?#i like Structure but also its like weeks until the semester starts so we got time. im just a lil nuts#jesus. its gonna b an interesting semester. hopefully fun but uh it is sorta like taking a boat out when u can see big ominous clouds#like im sure ill b fine but also i might get dumped over into a watery grave. i just. i have a lot of papers to write#and its gonna b hard to b a student on top of that. partly bc what im gonna b doing now is almost completely unrelated#which is probably y ppl stick to the same track they stsrt on. that awkward moment when ppl ask u if ur gonna keep working with bi0crust#and ur like uhhhh no fuck that actually the work ive done in the past 4 years makes me hate myself✌️#so we r back at square 1. well not 1 bc its sorta related but its a pretty big reset#itll b fine once things start. its just thr anticipation that kills me#unrelated
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new completely normal reaction to seeing favorite fictional character unlocked ! just start fucking crying .
#like ok I'm a small guy with big feelings and I'm very used to freaking out when I see my blorbos#w/ some specifically (like kalego ...) I have to hold myself back from fucking screaming#that's NORMAL#but now with ROBIN . MY BRAIN has decided the most appropriate reaction is to jsut fucking#start crying the moment I see him#like I'm so overwhelmed w/ blorbo emotions I start tearing up genuinely forreal#and I'm just like what the actual fucking fuck bc I never had that happen to me before that's a new one#anyway . I have a normal relationship with fictional characters#lucasings
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Wanting more Priyaxel content but also knowing if I want it that badly I will have to make it myself bc it feels like no one actively ships it/makes content for it anymore 😭
I feel like a loser here in my corner hyped up over something no one else cares about and I’m kinda embarrassed about it 😩 like I have thoroughly convinced myself now that I am dumb for shipping it bc no one sees it like I do and people are perceiving me as weird and overdramatic about it 😔
#top ten saddest moments in history number one#sorry if you followed exclusively for Priyaxel content this might be the end of the road tbh#I still really like the ship obviously but I feel like no one cares and my hype over it is cringe to see#honestly I’m almost finished with the thing I am writing but#I might not even post it bc there’s no audience for it so what’s the point /:#and I feel like people wouldn’t like it anyway tbh that’s always what happens#maybe the world is not ready for my Axel has BPD/Autism combo headcanon#but also idk maybe I should post it and get told it sucks before I give up on it#I guess the real con here is if I don’t post it then I can’t post/finish the PMV either#but I could also post that in its unfinished state?#anyway sorry if I never post any of this stuff I really am not sure if there’s a point#if there is someone out there in the void you’re free to try and convince me but idk /:#when I started writing this thing it was a different world where Priyaxel looked like the most popular ship#and now it seems like everyone dropped it for Ax*lle 💔#see and Idek if I could just do a big text post with my thoughts on them either bc they’re so specific which was the point for writing 😭#lmao I’m the meme of that ant packing up and leaving#ok but for real if I don’t finish the PMV I WILL post the unfinished version in the tag bc that took effort#sorry this is so gloomy I just feel kinda sad and demotivated#like it was so exciting when I first watched the season and discovered a ton of people shipped it and now…#alas I can always recycle my ideas for OCs that never fails me just fails everyone around me that wanted the canon characters#but damn it I am disappointed too when I go in the TD tag and all I see is Ax*lle#I have spoken too much you get the point by now I just feel /:
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