#ALSO unrelated it’s just kinda funny. i think the thing that made me fixated on bugb so intensely again this time

[5hrignold]

i literaly regret not getting bugb plush so bad Actual life lesson experience. from me to you don’t EVER let yourself be like Ohh meh ill live without it NO if a thing you are or HAVE been super duper ultra into is releasing something limited. GET THAT. bwcausw that’s how i felt about that thing because my brain must’ve been going through like a bugb cleanse or something after being obsessed with it for like 3/4 months BUT NOW I REMEMVERED HOW MUCH I LOVE IT AND IM SO MAD AT MYSELF FROM DECEMBER LIKE WHAT IS WRONG WITJ YOUUAAAAAAA

[pawberri]

thank you for all the posts you've made, your takes are always so refreshing to hear.

I want to know your thoughts (if it's okay with you, you can also totally ignore this) about all the "men hate" I see online. like I (poc transmasc non-passing) get it, there are genuine societal gender problems. transmisogyny does exist-women face more challenges than men do. but it genuinely hurts when women, especially trans women, think it's funny/quirky to call men trash or say they want all men dead or whatever. idk I just am hoping someone else understands, you know?

There's a lot of nuances to this question. First, I just want to caution against focusing too much on trans girls as the perpetrators of this. A lot of the asks I get from trans men seem to really fixate on trans women as the perpetrators of hard line gender essentialism. I really think trans girls are not the main people we should be focusing on here. If a trans woman is saying this stuff, take the time to analyze her ideology outside of that pithy comment and consider how much trauma and how little power she has in the world. That said, trans women are affected by this kind of ideology just like us, and they rarely have the power to wield it against others in the way cis people can. I know it hurts to feel isolated by your own community, but that kinda gets into my second point.

Part of dealing with this is learning an impulse progressive cishet dude have had to get used to over the decade. Sometimes, "men are trash" or even "kill all men" are not literal phrases. They are things women say when they're in the throes of trauma to vent their frustration. "Men are trash" in particular is generally pretty lighthearted and used to complain when you have a bad date or something. You have to get used to analyzing what someone actually means and airing on the side of empathy. You, as a man, are the one with some amount of systemic power over that woman, so you are the one who needs to prove you are dedicated to not being a misogynist. The same thing happens when my friends say they hate white people. I have to assume they don't hate me given that I'm their friend, but that I still have some of the negative traits of whiteness. I need to care enough to be a good friend by being anti-racist and checking myself on my behavior. I need to be willing to prioritize their comfort over mine. That includes not becoming this meme:

Now that that's established, there ARE times when "all men are evil and should die" is an actual ideology. It's an ideology that hurts tons of minority groups before it hurts the most powerful, but it's also not really great if we assume it only hurts cishet white guys. Following it to its logical conclusion, it just proposes a reversal of oppression dynamics. This gender essentialism is a key part of radical feminism, trans exclusionary or not, but it leaks out of that community to general feminism all the time.

As a young person on Tumblr and Twitter, this deeply affected me. I internalized the idea that you can "just be a girl." It was repeated by some trans girls, but also a LOT of TME people. It was framed as trans inclusive, but it's trans inclusive in the way "political lesbianism" is lesbian positive. It posits gender as a moral choice that is completely up to the individual and unrelated to biology. It's the lazy version of "gender is a social construct." I felt sick and disgusting for wanting to be a boy because tons of well-meaning friends of mine had made it clear that "being a boy" was a choice, and it was the wrong one. "Boy" was a social category that could and should eventually be eradicated. Trans women were conditionally supported because they, in theory, made this future possible. This didn't amount to actual support, of course. It was an ideology mostly spread by afab queer people that mostly benefited afab queer people. There were a few trans girls who spread it, maybe some due to genuinely believing in the ideology and some due to social pressure, but there were also a lot of people straight-up grifting as trans girls who used this thinking to feel powerful in a niche community of teens. Remember fucking Yandere Bitch Club???

At a certain point, I genuinely thought of being a man as an unambiguous moral failing, and I lashed out at out trans men because of it. I wanted to feel powerful, and here was a type of man in my community I could shame and exclude. I still feel bad for making a bunch of ~girls only~ stuff in HS that excluded the one out trans dude at our school, my friend, because he was just a ~binary man~ and leaving him with no friends and no community. I treated transphobia like it wasn't a real oppression on its own and, in doing so, perpetuated transphobia. It happens a lot.

I wasn't really able to accept that there was nuance to the concept of manhood until I read this article while struggling to accept my own gender:

This is a pretty seminal piece of writing. It has its flaws, of course, but the empathy and intersectionality it highlights was life-changing. It also shows that this kind of thinking is largely perpetuated by TME people and hurts trans women greatly.

Gender essentialism is a bad ideology, it's a transphobic, transmisogynist, racist, etc etc ideology. It's literally essential to patriarchy. But it's also very easy to repackage into leftism and easy to dogwhistle. As a result, it's natural to be hesitant when you see someone saying they hate all men, but you have to tread extremely lightly and actually care what they're attempting to express. Because, yeah, men as a social class still hold power over women. They still have reason to fear and hate men.

I'm writing a comic about this stuff, actually, so look out for it in the future..........

[void-tiger]

Writer Nonnie and I apparently have no clue how to write kids. I'm thinking about what Alice sees and does and reacts but it feels like there's some sort of block. Yes a 7 year old CAN be bubbly and imaginative but they're also starting that "I am responsible!" phase.... Right? I'm drawing a blank here.

Oof. I feel you, Writer Nonnie. Not helped by “discinctly remember childhood and nooot aaaat aaaaallllll those Development Reference Charts even a little.” Which, to be fair, so far most kids I’ve interacted with since becoming an adult don’t act like that, either.

But, in general they seem to find the most random things funny, whether it’s a particular sound, their own joke, or how something looks. Or they laugh at nothing in particular, especially if tired or understimulated. Also kinda why kids will just randomly spin around until dizzy and collapsing (or...in my case, made myself Hunk Levels of motionsick. Buuut never stopped me, either xD )

One kid randomly said “V8 IS GOOD FOR YOU!!!”, ran off, then faceplanted in the wet grass. And a lot of kids like staring at you through their hair while making silly sounds or voices (and laughing before they fully “commit” to whatever character they made up on the spot. Girls tend to do that one more, but only because they’re allowed to grow long hair without adults throwing tantrums. A few tween boys with “skater hair” do that one, too.)

And around 7-and-older, they’re starting to be able to Reason. But if they don’t know the Reasoning behind a rule (or like said rule), they’ll find some way to rebel. And sometimes they’re simply impulsive and Don’t Think Things Through or break said rule, anyway, not to rebell but just to do it since it Seems Fun. (Or harmless, anyway.)

And they can still get pretty hysterical when tired or bored or cranky. Think randomly bursting into tears or yelling but not knowing Why/What they want (or fixated on something they wanted but were denied, like a second turn on those coin-operated rides)...only that they’re feeling out of sorts. This seems to be especially true for kids who struggle with Under and/Or Over stimulation. (Sometimes trying to get straight to what they’re needing (rest, food, change of environment/activity for the Stimulation Shenanigans) seems to help...but it also demands a helluva lotta patience that’s harder to keep when in the thick of it.

And these are all just my observations.

So...TL;DR

-kids will laugh at Random Things that sometimes only exist in their POV, or do/say Random Things to satisfy stimulation needs

-Kids can actually understand logic, and logic definitely works better than Because I Said So or threats.

-they’ll still rebel or simply do things on impulse, even if they understand the Why and How. (And either via Int and/or Wis.)

-their emotions are Strong, especially since things can quite literally be The Very Best or Absolute WORST for them since they just don’t have the same life experience in addition to their brains still developing and growing with the rest of them

-Tired, Bored, and Hungry can make them teary, whiny, or outright angry. And often they don’t understand that’s what’s making them out of sorts and project onto something else completely unrelates.

One thing’s for sure, Wonderland/Underland will definately have a smorgasbord of stuff for SmolAlice to be amused or completely DONE with.

But...yeah. Anyone who spends more time with kids than my Occational, please feel free to jump in and add on and/or correct anything I got wrong.

[generalthirstclub]

I am the shame of god but here’s the meme

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex) - passes the fuck out. head empty no thoughts - if you’re lucky he might manage to mumble a “goonite” - either way: a literal angel wtf - this bitch tender B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s) - I think he knows he’s got cake. he’s double cheeked up. dummy thicc, if you will. - if you have tiddies he likes those. also, on a more innocent note, ur hands!!! and ur stomach and your eyes and your lips and your thighs a C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person) - doesn’t get too riled up about it one way or another - he kinda likes seeing it on you 😳 - not ur face though that’s icky. he doesn’t want any on his face so it doesn’t occur to him that you would - if you specifically ask he’ll be like “ew ok lol” - if you swallow it he goes 😧😳🥴 - I don’t like how confronting this question is because it makes me ponder the logistics of this whole situation D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs) - not really a secret but a bitch gets pegged on the reg E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?) - no fucking clue. he’s quick to figure out what works though - real perceptive! - if he can’t figure it out himself, sometimes he might try to ask you whether or not you like something but he can’t get the question out bc he’s baby F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual) - ohohohoho back this mans up against a wall - also you know how he does the splits? th - anything where he’s contorted in some crazy way appeals to him - if he’s topping pls put a leg over his shoulder he will uwu G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc) - he’s a huge dweeb at all times. if something you do or say strikes him the slightest bit funny he’s gonna cackle. - you made a face he thinks is funny? mid coitus he’s snickering. he will imitate your funny face. what a bastard H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.) - I hate this question because it makes me think about the fact that I am writing this about a goddamned train… trains don’t have p*bes… I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)  - oh he’s heart eyes all the way babey. - he might try to put on this Indifferent Sex God act but really? he just likes you a whole lot - smooches. constantly. all the time J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon) - if anyone sees him do that he’ll literally die right there on the spot - he either waits until the dead of night or makes up some excuse as to why he has to leave right now and go alone to some exceedingly secluded part of the rail yard - if it’s the former he can Indulge. the latter is reserved strictly for emergency situations - if a bitch is indulging a bitch is indulging. hes gonna think abt something cute he saw you do (or whoever else hes jerkin it to idk) K = Kink (One or more of their kinks) - pain. both giving and receiving - any kind of marks - hair pulling. also both giving and receiving - praise. praise him. tell him he’s pretty. tell him he’s doing a great job. tell him you love him so much. t L = Location (Favourite places to do the do) - pretty vanilla about this one actually (see N) - push him up against a wall - or let him push u up against a wall! the red caboose would like to be of use mother fucker! M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going) - being a little shit - read: when he’s bratty and you snap at him - or the other way around - also? feeling wanted. when he does something vaguely sexy and sees someone looking at him for too long. N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs) - anything in public— he’d just be so embarrassed if you were caught! also I feel like consent is a huge thing for him and whoever walks in on 2 people fucking did not consent to seeing that - anything especially degrading to his partner, though he doesn’t mind being called a little slut if he’s bottoming 😳 - not really into the whole pet play thing. “that’s silly! you’re not a dog!” O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc) - again, no clue what the fuck he’s doing (see E) - very eager to please however! and you can’t tell me this bastard doesn’t have any oral fixation I mean look at him - n e wayz if he’s giving the best thing about it is how excited he gets. super messy as well. drools everywhere. - if he’s receiving then his pillow princess levels are maxing out. he’s having a good time. straight vibing if you will - you went and sucked all his braincells out thru his dick! - tries to cover his mouth but he’s not gonna be that much quieter (see V) P = Pace (Are they fats and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.) - entirely depends on his fickle moods. sometimes he’s in that Cherishing Mood. other times he’s a wild untamed feral fucking animal Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.) - not very often. I don’t imagine he’d prefer it. - however if he’s in that wild untamed feral fucking animal mood he’s not opposed to it R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.) - as long as it definitely won’t kill either of you he’s down - big fan of knifeplay tbh. - In general he’s more willing to risk hurting himself than his partner bc he definitely likes you and would be upset if you got hurt S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…) - leans more towards one long round than a bunch of short rounds because (see A) this motherfucker busts one nut and is out like a light - he only lasts as long as he does (which is to say, very average) by sheer force of will. unfortunately sometimes this means stopping for a second to get ahold of himself T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?) - seems like the type to have like. One (1) big old dildo that NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT!!! U = Unfair (how much they like to tease) - ooohohoho so much - (see M) sometimes he does vaguely sexy stuff,,, on purpose 😔 - again idk how to approach this for anthro trains but if we think of them as just people then uh - wears clothes that he knows will show his tumtum if he stretches 😳 and then he stretches 😳 in front of u - it’s an easy way to read people! if they have no interest in him then they won’t pay it any mind. if they do, this is the easiest possible way to figure out about it V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make) - louder than average for sure - starts out with just his breathing changing audibly, - then that changes to either high whines or low growls (depending on what’s happening) - he’ll try to muffle himself either by covering his mouth or keeping it closed. it won’t work - a lot of “mmf”s are still gonna get through 😔 - if you can convince him to uncover his mouth… fuckin get ready - hes about to sound super pretty and breathless 🥺🥺🥺 - if you had a mcr phase and you remember destroya… it’s like that kinda - you know how wide his vocal range is? it shows W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice) - he makes real cute faces and is super embarrassed about it - tries to hide his face in the crook of your shoulder 🥺 - on an unrelated note I feel like he’d call it “making love.” just cause he’s baby X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words) - just a regular old pp? he seems like the type to be a little shorter than average but his diameter game is certainly not lacking Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?) - not terribly but when he’s ready he’s READY Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards) - IMMEDIATELY

[kimmysfandomblog]

So Nae/giri, Kamu/koma, Toukomaru and Kii/ruma for the ship meme ? :P You can do all of them or pick the ones you want to talk about, I just wanted to give you one ship per game ~

Thank you so much for the ask Serahne!!! :D I’d be more than happy to do them all!!!

From here: https://kimmysfandomblog.tumblr.com/post/168063250112/send-me-a-ship-and-ill-give-you-my-brutally

Since there’s 4, I’m gonna have to put it under the cut! And they got very long, sorry ^^;

obviously, V3 spoilers for the last one!

Nae/giri (+)

So, funny thing about me: I actually started DR with the Animation (I hadn’t even known a game existed at the time). Anyways, because it’s an anime, you don’t get those free time events, and everything is much, much faster. Basically…. I’m a real dunce when it comes to romance, so I hadn’t even realized Nae/giri was pretty heavily hinted at ^^; I spent most of the time thinking Kirigiri was gonna betray Naegi (which… I mean I wasn’t completely wrong, kinda? XD She didn’t mean to throw him under the bus at all, of course).

Now, I didn’t ship anyone in DR by the time I finished the anime. I’d seen it mostly as friendships, and that Naegi and Kirigiri’s was the strongest one. I don’t know when exactly it sprung on me that, hey, this is a ship!!!, but my best guess is that it wasn’t until I stumbled across DR again when it came out on Steam. A let’s player I kind of visit occasionally was playing the game and I got sucked into nostalgia, and he did Kirigiri’s FTEs. It was probably during that time that I recognized this was definitely a ship, one that was practically canon, and that actually, I’m okay with it, and even like it! If two characters like each other, and can support each other this well, then why not?

I’m not the biggest Naeg/iri fan (that spot for favorite DR1 ship belongs to another pairing, but admittedly it’s more of a pre-canon ship). I’ll admit, a part of me still thinks Naegi forgives Kirigiri too easily after all he’d been through, but if he gave her a hard time, he wouldn’t be Naegi! And I was a little salty she threw him under the bus, but Kirigiri made a mistake, acknowledges it, and even returns the favor back to him! It wasn’t even really her fault (she clearly didn’t know what would happen or she would have definitely let herself be sacrificed), so I forgive her, too!

If DR3 proved anything about Naeg/iri, it’s that Naegi and Kirigiri very clearly care for one another, and are able to balance each other out. They understand each other so well, and I’d say they definitely like, probably even love, each other. So, given canon events throughout the series, I ship it! It’s been good for both of them, the way I see it! I sincerely hope they continue to care and love each other post canon, too. They both deserve happiness after all they’ve been through together!

Kamu/Koma (-)

Okay, this one… this one actually irks me, I’m sorry to say. I know Kamukura is Hinata, and I definitely ship Koma/Hina, but Kamu/Koma…. it’s very different. I’ve read Kamu/Koma fics, and seen the fanart, (and sometimes I actually like the fanwork). I get why people like it. However, to me, it’s a very unbalanced ship.

Ko’s obsession with Hope and Talent, with Kamukura being the embodiment of Talent, and of the Hope Ko originally fixates on, makes it much too unbalanced because Kamukura is given all the power in this relationship. Not only that, but it would be Ko constantly trying to be useful to Kamukura, or trying to make things interesting for Kamukura. And Kamukura, well, I can’t see him reciprocating or giving back much. Kamukura’s kinda weird, as in he’s pretty selfish in a way. Maybe he’d do things back for Ko, but would he mean it? Would Ko even know if Kamukura cared? It doesn’t help that the majority of the fanworks don’t really do anything to disprove how I feel their relationship would work. People write/draw fanart for Kamu/Koma using this power play: Ko revering Kamukura like a god, doing demeaning things for him, or being like his housewife or maid or something, and Kamukura kind of staring blankly back, or barely reciprocating or acknowledging any of it. It’s also portrayed very sexually (?), with no amount of fluff, and I end up feeling sorry for Ko. I really can’t ship something this one-sided where only one person has affection for the other, or at the very least, where it’s difficult to see how affectionate one is for the other.

And, I suppose, another thing is just the fact that I like Haji way more than Kamukura. Sometimes Kamu/Koma shippers portray Haji as the one losing out, the third wheel left behind, or even saying Kamukura should have fully returned. I’m glad, in the end, Haji is seemingly acting like he’s mostly Haji to his friends.

However, I admit that besides how I see the Kamu/Koma dynamic playing out… the really extreme shippers were the reason I can’t stand it most of the time. More than a year ago now, there was this huge shipping war, and at least to me, with the people I was following at the time, it seemed like it was mostly between extreme Kamu/Koma shippers against the extreme Hina/Nami shippers. The sheer hatred and pride at being so hateful disgusted me. I unfollowed a few people that I used to like because of all these scathing remarks against Nami (by that I mean DR2 Nami) and basically mocking the fans for liking and defending her, and then being proud of it, even celebrating it in a congratulating post to themselves. I mean, I know now it was aimed at the Nami lovers that were just as bad as they were being, but it still hurts either way. I wasn’t following anyone that was strictly Hina/Nami at the time, but I did see a lot of Ko discourse flying around, too (and heavily disagreed with them of course). Even after that, people were tagging their hate for Nami and Ko, and the ships. I couldn’t escape it. Maybe I’m over-imagining it, but that’s how I feel about it. I’m glad it’s settled down now that V3 is mostly distracting people from it these days.

As for how I feel about Kamu/Koma today, sometimes seeing Kamu/Koma (or Hina/Nami) makes me cringe, and other times, I find it okay (though it’s mostly the former. I always felt weird about Kamu/Koma because of the power dynamic).

Unrelated: Weirdly enough, even though I don’t like Hina/Nami, I ended up liking Kamu/Nami, but only because AI Kamukura exists ^^; I actually participated in Kamu/Nami week, too, and… yeah I actually like it. My guilty pleasure ship, lol. Just... not so much for Hina/Nami. DR3 Hina/Nami was that bad.

Sorry that answer was very negative, but brutal honesty right? I know I have followers that ship it, and I don’t really mind as long as no one is trying to force me to like it or see it!

Toko/maru (+)

Well, I didn’t like Another Episode as a whole that much, but I did like the interactions between Toko and Komaru a lot. Their friendship was just so good! They were able to help each other, see the faults in each other, and call them out. Komaru helps Toko learn to trust her through her genuine kindness and loyalty, and Toko helps Komaru find solutions and helps break Komaru’s habit of seeing herself as just a normal girl with no way to change what happens around her.

And the ending, where Toko decides to stay with Komaru instead of leaving with Togami? It makes me feel a lot of joy, honestly. Nothing against ToFu, but her choosing Komaru over Togami was great! Like, from what I remember of her FTE’s Toko has had trouble trusting people. Neither of her moms wanted her, and she was even dated as a part of a dare. Her moms and that boy both treated her nicely, but they actually didn’t like her (actually I wonder about the moms, but I’ll have to revisit those FTEs eventually). The reason she is so infatuated with Togami probably has to do with how rudely he treats her, on top of being the SHSL Heir. If he got with her, it would be like a romance novel come to life, and he wouldn’t be pretending to like her. However, it’s unrealistic the way it is in canon. Togami may be getting better, but at least at the point canon left off, he still needs some work.

I’m very glad Toko has Komaru. Komaru treats her normally instead of being scared off or angry at Toko’s accusations and jokes, and she openly shows how much she cares about Toko. I can see Tokomaru both as a strong friendship, or a future romantic relationship, given time. And, based on the one DR3 episode, it seems like their bond has done nothing but grow! They trust in each other and work really well together. May they remain this close or more post-canon!

Kii/ruma (+)

I don’t know if anyone was expecting this to be appealing? I usually don’t like the characters that spew vulgarities, so I thought I’d never like Miu. I was so wrong! And, knowing what I did, I never thought I’d ship her with Kiibo, who’s just… so pure??? I remember, back when I was trying to avoid spoilers, that one CG where Miu was apparently performing maintenance came up, and I totally misjudged it. 

However, this game… it subverted my expectations. The CG was not as uncomfortable as I thought! Miu got a bit too close, and I’m 99% sure she knew what she was saying and how it could sound, and Kiibo just came for maintenance, and he doesn’t really get the double meanings to her words, but somehow ends up saying things that could be suggestive too XD It was so funny! I honestly thought, upon getting spoiled that CG before playing, that he wasn’t consenting to whatever was going on, but while I can’t say it was “innocent,” it was clearly not that bad. And after that, Miu is introduced to the Neo World Program and Kiibo gets jealous of the computer XD To try to get the most out of my V3 experience, I actually went up to every character each FT to get their “FTE starter,” so I know he’s always been either in the hall right before the computer room, or (not much farther away from there) next to the three empty rooms. I’m pretty sure the first FTE of that chapter, he even gets defensive over his not-jealousy of a computer, lol!!! There was also that part in Chapter 4, before going to the Virtual World, Monotaro calls Kiibo “Daddy” and Miu “Mommy” XD and even after her death, he was so sad he wished he could cry for her, which just punches me in the feels… and from what I remember in Trial 4, Kiibo was pretty much trying to defend her as the others pretty much admitted to not caring that much about her? I’d need to replay that trial, but that’s what I took from it in regards to Miu. Also, I guess another reason I like it is because Ouma bullies both of them, so they are similar in that regard haha.

I guess, maybe as the sole complaint, I wonder how Miu felt about Kiibo? I mean, clearly, she was interested in him because he’s a robot, but I wonder how she felt about Kiibo as a person? I think she respected Kiibo, but I can’t gauge how much she liked him from what I remember of the game. She was certainly proud and happy to give him upgrades, and Kiibo doesn’t seem to mind so much when she does, even though he hates sci-fi things, or generally any reminder he’s not as human as he’d like to be. She always kept her upgrades rather simple, and he was always so proud to have them! Maybe she wanted to add all that fancy gear from his Ultimate Lab, but didn’t push him when he said no. Maybe that’s why he was fond of her?

Kii/ruma’s a really cute ship to me! It’s probably more funny, than cute (but the fanart is so very cute...), but either way, I still really like it! And well, it’s about one of the only ships I care about in V3 as well, hahaha. It didn’t seem forced, I didn’t really feel like it was necessarily one-sided, and their dynamic was great and interesting!!! I should really check out those anthologies sometime to see if there’s any more Kii/ruma in it, hahaha.

[the-little-red-noodle]

7/24/19 12:09am

“Wish i could get a little undrunk so i could uncall you at 5 in the morning, i would unfuck you..”

i guess its that time of the night where we process some shit before my sleeping pill makes me too high to type. 

mark and i hooked up. it actually happened?.. i’m feeling a lot of things but also pretty reserved, as far as things go with me. i’m not leaping into the romancey shit like I usually do. i’m actually pretty unhappy about it, actually.

i’ve been thinking about this moment for so long.. how it would feel to finally be with him and kiss him and say the things i’ve been feeling, and oh god, to hear it back? i should be happy.. im not happy.

there’s so much on the line here.. it’s not just some friend either.. our friendship was, and is, really important to me. i weighted it above other things, and now i feel like i just threw it all away for selfish reasons. i wanted to feel loved and i wanted to be touched and i wanted to touch him and i wanted to have the satisfaction of knowing he felt the same.. i wanted the euphoria of the calm before the sex where everything’s out on the table and we feel the same way and we’re holding our breath seeing who will make the first move and i just.. 

i think i regret it a little bit..

i think i’ve been selfish about it, cuz its what i wanted and what i have wanted for honestly a really long time but kept to myself cuz there was no way in the world that he would go for someone like me and there’s no way that someone as plain as me could captivate someone like him beyond just sex.. but we didn’t even have sex?.. 

lemme explain.

last night i went out to a drag show with friends, and it was so wonderful and fun and raunchy and just what i needed. it was a confidence boost (even if i struck out with a girl at the bar, i still tried!) and i got back to the frat house at 1am, drunk and confident and ready to push my limits with him.

we hung out for hours in the spare room, me being way too flirty and touchy with him and him being respectful but present.. we talked until i sobered up and we were laying in bed and the lights are off and he names the people he would have sex with in the frat and im not on the list and i feel uneasy and he talks about having a thing for people in the frat and i ask if he ever had a thing for me and he says yes, a while ago. the beginning of rush, over a year and a half ago. and he asks me if i ever had a thing for him and my face feels so hot and i shut my eyes

“you want my honest answer?”

“..yeah”

“.. i kinda still do.”

and he was quiet for so long and i felt so shitty about it and felt like i made things super weird and i said sorry and he was like no yer fine, which made me feel kinda worse.. i changed the subject and we talked about something else for a bit and then he got quiet again so i asked what was on his mind

“just what you said”

“i’m sorry..”

“don’t be. i’m glad you said something. I’ve been kinda feeling the same way for a while and didn’t know what to do about it.” 

i say something to the effect of i was trying to bury it because i didn’t want to fuck up the friendship, and he says he felt the same. and we lay there motionless for a while, staring at the ceiling. everything’s out in the open. cards on the table. breathing.

i move my head to his shoulder, and he wraps an arm around me and my hands are on his chest and our legs are tied up and we just hold each other. silence. breathing. squeezing.

i say “is this stupid? is this dangerous territory?” he says he doesn’t know. 

he asks how long I’ve felt this way, and i say for months probably. it was part of the reason i wanted to end my relationship with spencer, because i was having feelings for someone else.. we lay there. silence. breathing.

he pulls me in closer and holds me so tightly. he says he feels really happy. 

we stay there until he falls asleep and i slip out of his arms cuz i cant sleep tangled up. it takes me a while but i eventually fall asleep. we wake up around 7:30. i go to the bathroom and wash last nights makeup off my face. i come back and we hang out. we talk, we laugh, we cuddle.. 

at some point i was getting frustrated that he wouldn’t just bite the bullet and kiss me. i dont have much balls, but i can communicate enough. and i start getting punchy and he’s laughing at me like what do you want? and im pouting and not saying anything and then eventually he tells me to roll on my side to face him and he looks at me and he moves my hair like in the movies and he moves in and half grazes my lips with his and moves back quickly and says is that what you meant? and i laugh and exclaim yes! finally! 

(and now the good part) 

i pull him back and then it just happens. all that i had envisioned that the moment would be like doesnt matter anymore because its just me and him and we’re kissing and he’s moving almost on top of me and after a bit he pulls off me and lays down and says how was that? and i dont even answer as i start kissing him again and get on top of him and we’re moving and he’s grabbing my ass (mark grabbed my ass?? who are we??) and he’s moaning like i’ve never experienced a guy doing and at some point i say that ya know.. we could like.. actually do it?.. and he says “im not sure” and that he’s a little overwhelmed and hasn’t wrapped his head around the fact that any of this is even happening. and i feel kinda rejected and i get off him, not in a make a scene way, but in a like we should take a breather way. and we lay there and i’m so hot and bothered and he starts apologizing being like 

“was that too much? did i embarrass myself?”

 "no no you’re fine, im just a little frustrated”

“did i do something wrong? I’m sorry”

“no.. i just.. want.. you..”

and then he’s on top of me and he’s kissing me and kissing my neck and he kisses down.. then kinda rests his head on my thigh? and then we just had a totally normal unrelated conversation while he was resting between my legs? in the most nonchalant way and it was wholesome and funny and fuck man..

we moved into his room, cuz ac, and we were laying in his bed talking and sharing memes and i ask what he’s thinking about 

“sex. you?”

“sex.” 

and i look him in the eye and kind of smile, and i think he avoids it and says he’s going to the bathroom, and i’m thinking when he gets back, that’s when it can happen.

it felt kinda perfect in a way. like yeah, i wanted to sleep with him, like badly, but i think it’s better to ease in and not go too fast that we can’t backtrack if necessary.. but i didn’t want to backtrack.. 

in the moment, when its just me and him, i have all the confidence and sensibility to make decisions and do things i’m comfortable with, but then other people talk to me in the house and pull me out of his room and then it becomes a group hangout instead of just us 2. and its fine, cuz we are great friends and we just joined conversation and it peters out.. and then im packing to leave and he gets in the shower and i text him that ill probably head out and he texts me drive safe love ya bud!! and i kinda felt horrible?.. i feel like i’m panicking and hurting.. and i wait for him and he gets out of the shower and we sit together and i just wanted one more slight cuddle before heading out cuz reassurance i guess.. so fucking stupid..

he just goes right back to our usual cadence of banter and memes and physical distance and i’m in a weird fragile place feeling like i need him

i do not need him

and i get enough physical reassurance to put on my big girl face to drive home and go about my day pretending that i’m not deeply upset at the thought that i just lost my best friend cuz i caught feelings..

i know i’m a pretty dramatic person, i did do theatre for years for a reason. homegirl likes attention. and i dont take rejection super well (hence no longer doing theatre lol). and it felt.. weird. 99% of the weird was definitely coming from me. cuz he just started acting like my friend again, and thats fine, but now i want him even more..

had we just fucked and gotten it over with, i could settle down. but we just dry humped and he kissed me over my clothes.. which was lovely, but i’m also a big girl and i want to have sex.. and now i feel like im gunna fixate on it until it can happen..

i think i was underselling him, sexually, to myself cuz i didn’t want to get my hopes up.. he’s not my physical type at all, and he’s like a weird guy and like my best friend, but it ended up being pretty good.. we could find our groove probably, if he wanted to..

i don’t even know where we stand now. i don’t know what he wants, really. he says he’s cool with whatever as long as we stay friends, and i agree. the friendship is the most important thing here. and i don’t want things to be weird, but i cant back out now just for preservation cuz i want to be with him and i love him.. a lot

still processing. glad i got it all on paper, but now its 1am and i gotta cool off cuz im hot n bothered and ugh.. i just wish we could really talk about it..

i texted him that i missed him at like 11:20. he hasn’t responded.

update at 1pm the next day he said “miss you too friend”

dude.. fuck this.

“on some nights like this I cant help but think of us.. i’ve been reminiscing, sipping, missing you. can you tell me whats with all this distant love? on some nights like this I just wanna text you, but for what? you’ll say you want me then go switch it up.. just gonna play with my emotions just because...”

[milkyviewer]

LITERALLY MY THOUGHTS. IM SO DISTRAUGHT I DIDN'T GET IT. AND I COULD'VE, BUT JUST DIDN'T.

i literaly regret not getting bugb plush so bad Actual life lesson experience. from me to you don’t EVER let yourself be like Ohh meh ill live without it NO if a thing you are or HAVE been super duper ultra into is releasing something limited. GET THAT. bwcausw that’s how i felt about that thing because my brain must’ve been going through like a bugb cleanse or something after being obsessed with it for like 3/4 months BUT NOW I REMEMVERED HOW MUCH I LOVE IT AND IM SO MAD AT MYSELF FROM DECEMBER LIKE WHAT IS WRONG WITJ YOUUAAAAAAA