#this is REALLY LONG and i apologize!!!
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Submas winter outfits! I meant to post this during the Christmas season, but it’s still winter so it counts
Even though the subway tunnels are underground, I’d imagine it still gets fairly cold, and the coats are comfortable too.
#I haven’t posted art in so long#my apologies#I’m hoping to post more often#anywho I’m really happy with how these turned out#I want a coat like this for myself#I tried to make the stripes look like candy canes#submas#my art
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Oddish and Bulbasaur ko-fi doodle for dylandays! 🍃
#artists on tumblr#pokemon#oddish#bulbasaur#gotchibam arts#ko-fi doodle#apologies this took too long but I hope you still like it!! ;w;#btw if anyone's interested my comms are currently open~#I really need funds for my budget again ;_;#tysm for the support as always!! <3
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your friends don’t know what to do.
so!! i redrew every single enemy in the game. in the span of like 9 days (excluding the king i made him right after the last update). that’s abbbout 79* drawings total, with only 3 custom ones for once!! i’m so normal. as always, these are free to use with credit!! go nuts!! spritesheets are included <3
got some notes under the cut, along with As Many Enemies As I Could Fit without making this post obnoxiously long. and i failed. i had to swap between the app and browser several times and i still couldn’t fit every drawing. open this post at your own risk (silly).
okay so first of all. what’s with the asterisk. well. I Drew A Lot More Than 79 Assets Actually. they’re getting posted separately, because this post is ABSURDLY long. you can find most of them in the miscellaneous folder, but for a bit of clarity, i added the teleport map and a bunch of ui elements that reference sprites from the icon sheet. and also the game over and loop back animations but i haven’t finished the spritesheets for those because they’re a pain in the ass so they’re not in the drive yet
if you missed my complaining a few days ago, a few enemies might look a bit crunchy in the actual game? specifically, calamité and désespoir were drawn at the wrong size, because their images in the files do not match the spritesheets! i avoided the issue with most of the other enemies, those two just blindsided me. sorry about that!
^sadnesses having inconsistent designs was actually a running theme with these. détresse rock has an unused design in the files (which i managed to catch before having to redo it thankfully), anxiété has extra spikes that don’t appear on the spritesheet (sorry i was too lazy to fix that one), even the version of the friend rescue in the files doesn’t match any of the frames in the spritesheet. hfjfhfj. sorry about the quality issues.
tangentially related to that, massive thank you to @riggedbones for grabbing the individual frames for the animations for me!! they made my life so much easier. vs friends would’ve been so annoying…
speaking of the animations! hi can you tell i’m not an animator. these were my first time doing Anything animation related since, like, middle school. super sorry for the Jank in some of these! the friend rescue looked way better when i drew it 💔💔.
bourdon’s hands also might act a bit odd, my apologies. the sizing ingame is SUPER inconsistent (why is one of the hands SMALLER than the other????). once i’m able to actually test the mod, i’ll try to fix it wauaua.
the 3 custom sprites are for the triplets! i ended up making two versions for each, one that follows the ingame art, and one with my personal designs for them. i like my own designs for them, but they’re a lot easier to tell apart? so if you want to use the ones that fit the gimmick better, they’re also in the drive 👍
this update. was originally going to have way more custom art. i’ve actually got an act 6 siffrin enemy asset in my art program! but school started and i decided it’d be better to just get the normal stuff done. so the mod can actually come out in a reasonable timeframe. promise that’ll all come out Later! sorry about the wait 😓😓😓
also adding this because i almost forgot: no i don’t know if these are compatible with sasasaap. i don’t have the game still and it’s not my main priority atm, apologies!
okay! that was a lot! and there’s a ton of art down here! thank you for reading all this, i’ll be back with the game over animations and teleport map pretty soon! like. within the weekend. enjoy!!!
#marshdoodles#isat#in stars and time#isat spoilers#isat redraw project#LORD. SORRY THIS IS SO LONG#there was no way i could’ve fit these into 10 images.#anyways. some of these are just traces. because i couldn’t really do much without changing their designs and potential fucking some stuff up#sorry about that!#im not sure how much people are going to be bothered by that but hey! might as well be transparent#fun fact i made an entire mockup for the vs friends art. i was going to use it as the header for this post buut#i didn’t really like how it turned out. sad!#anyways. ill stop talking now lol. again. apologies for the long post
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Nimbasa Trio🚇⚡
Annndd a Pixel Version! (Was having fun experimenting with Ibis Paint's filters)
#nimbasa trio#submas#subway boss ingo#subway boss emmet#gym leader elesa#subway boss nobori#subway boss kudari#kamitsure#ingo#emmet#elesa#slight; thirdrailshipping#and nimbasabattleshipping and conductor shipping#BEHOLD#one hodgepodge of an art piece#i apologize it took so long but yknow how it is#ANYWAY i had fun coloring this piece#elesa being her corny self#but her boys love her irregardless#ingo really is testing emmet's cain instinct rn#(no but srsly; i find it hilarious he has a haxorus that has mold breaker?? and sends it out mostly with emmet's eelektros???)#its ingo's turn to be the menace of a sibling#(the pixel version is there because i was busy experimenting sround ibis paint's fx while doing the final touches and i liked it <3)#art#fanart#anime art
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Simple Brainrot wasn't enough no no, My brain had to convince me to plan seasonal outfits for this subpar series I never actually finished
(Thank you to @catzgam3rz for pushing me to post this and yelling at me whenever I showed you the finished product :p)
Versions with just the outfits (Like the second Aphmau) Under the cut!
#my art#mystreet#minecraft diaries#mcd#aphmau mystreet#aaron lycan#garroth ro'meave#mystreet garroth#laurence zvhal#dante mystreet#katelyn mystreet#lucinda mystreet#travis valkrum#vylad ro'meave#nana ashida#kawaii chan#zane ro'meave#apologies if they're hard to see on mobile#I made the canvas really long to fit everything and didn't think of the consequences#CatzJacks myst rewrite
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To the next adventure...
Image description and details under cut
I.D.
[A drawing of Nicky, Joe, Quynh, and Andy from The Old Guard. They are all in profile, walking in a straight line facing the sun. They are dressed in medieval clothing and armour, and each carry their own weapons and bags. Nicky has his sword, a crossbow, a quiver of bolts, a dagger at his belt and another strapped to his ankle. Joe is holding his sword, a bag, and a coin purse. Quynh's bow is over her back, and her quiver is at her hip. Two daggers are strapped to her belt, one of them matching Nicky's. Andy is holding her axe, two bags, and a dagger. They each have serene expressions and closed eyes, as if they're not in a hurry. In the background, the seasons change from winter to spring, summer, fall. There is an old tree behind them, and its branches change with the seasons.]
#tog#the old guard#nicolo di genova#yusuf al kaysani#quynh#andromache of scythia#the old gays#siggy draws#FINALLY. this took... 3 months altogether? FUCK i miss these four.#apologies if my image description is super long. i really enjoy drawing all these tiny details...#director's commentary as usual:#when i draw stuff like this it's usually because i'm working on a big fic. and i am. but also it is taking me over a year so far#because i'm finishing my undergrad. but i do plan to finish the fic!#regardless they could be walking anywhere.#tried to keep it sometime around the 14th century. i always try to put them in clothes that reflect their personalities -#- and places of origin more or less.#andromache's mail is old af and not in good shape. only she and nicolo have spurs so i guess they would be the riders if they had horses#but i am not about to attempt to draw a horse lol#details i like: nicky's little hat to protect his hair from his chainmail. his and quynh's matching daggers. yusuf's fancy-boy armour.#quynh's leg wraps and her jerkin. and andy's super old chainmail and her whip braids <3#where are they going? where did they come from? it's up to ye.
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starting off the year with drawing these two, naturally
#art#drawing#traditional#ocs#honeybee#grimm#yarrow#my art#the color is actually digital but the lines are traditional i love you fountain pens#the grimm one's my pilot kakuno w sepia ink while the yarrow one's my new sailor fude de mannen. which the funky nib makes it really#interesting to work with but it's cool being able to use a huge variety of line widths with a single pen#also apologies for the long post these were gonna go side-by-side but them grimm's head woulda been cut off
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Cranky post war 'bito :> his grump is truly when his Uchiha side shines!
#not enough people be drawing the cranky Obito i like to see#so i got this idea last night huhuu#obkk#obikaka#kakaobi#uchiha obito#kakashi hatake#obito#kakashi#hatake kakashi#naruto#fan art#my art#naruto shippuden#obito x kakashi#post war obito#white hair#dont ask me to draw the tomoes in the sharingan#apologies if they look a bit wonky i havent really drawn them in a long time#edit: AAAAAAA My DUMBASS forgot to add kk's eye scar in the last one i want to KMS.
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This was home.
[First] Prev <–-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#jiang cheng#blood#Good bye Jiang Disciples. May you live on in the Lan Wangji in lotus pier AU.#This is going to be the start of a bunch of sad scenes I desperately try to undercut with humour.#You may ask where Elle Woods is considering her help was requested.#The canon answer is that she didn't make it there in time. This is the reason why WWX has the pink phone in present day.#It is a favour she owes him out of apology.#I am also making it canon that Jiang Cheng hates Elle Woods for not being there. His two Nemeses in PD-MDZS are Elle and WWX.#This is why Jiang Cheng doesn't have the phone. He would hunt her down but Bruiser bit him really bad last time he tried.#His pride is too hurt to try again.#I don't think I've done a wordless comic in a while - what a fun challenge!#I'm getting lots of practice with backgrounds in the last few comics - I really feel like I'm getting more comfortable with it!#Obviously I still have a long way to go but this is a journey B*)
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so what if i said she's very pretty
#so WHAT if i apologized for sleeping on her for so long#false is so cool#and silly#also i really love exploring hair types on the hermits please ask me about it#falsesymmetry#falsesymmetry fanart#hermitcraft#hermitcraft fanart#traditional art#my art
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Hey, I just wanted to encourage you not to stop posting seals - yes, what's happening in the world currently is terrible, but that also means that we need something to balance out all the awful news. So I think if you reblog posts like the one with the donation links to Gaza and Sudan while still posting seals, that's a good balance of getting involved and providing some relief for everyone's mental health :) thank you for your service!
The current world events going on are very concerning, and to relay those posts onto this blog with many followers is very likely to shed light and spread word on whats going on and how to help.
While we will continue to post/reblog on that, do not fret, we will not stop posting seals. We will continue to post seals (daily) and post about seals.
While I am not the most active mod here, as I mainly do lurking (and additionally, my phone (which i use to browse tumblr for the most part) pretty much shutting down) i do really love how many people in our inbox have expressed their enjoyment and thankfulness towards our posts making them happy.
Much love!
-Mod Samuel
#mod samuel#not daily#asks#Apologies if this is worded strangely i have had somewhat of a long day#But i really do love going in the inbox and seeing people say how the seal posting is brightening people's days#I love to make people happy and it really is quite sweet
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Hello hello!!!
Can Iiii possibly make a little request? Anything based off of Jimmy’s most recent among us stream with all of the Hermits could be so so cute!!
Anyways, all cool if you don’t want to do the request! Love your art tons no matter what!! Have a lovely day/night/whatever!
I am so sorry for taking so much time
I thought I would create a good thing, something speial, but I couldn't find any motivation, so I've been waiting for it to apear. It hasn't appeared.
So let me present: Hermits. Amongus.
The great and… great!! Behold...........
#mcyt#pearlescentmoon#renthedog#grian#impulsesv#solidaritygaming#skizzleman#geminitay#falsesymmetry#scar#among us#I am apologizing for taking so long#I am really sorry
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Champagne and Marble
//warnings// +16, mdni
//contents// Bruce wayne x transmasc!reader, vaginal sex, squirting, semi public ig??
//synopsis// Bruce had not seen his husband in too long, his lewd thoughts lingered around in his head during one of the Wayne galas and he couldn't contain himself when he saw you. based off this ask from @blueberrymori <3 - wc: 1.9k
//on ao3//
The infamous Wayne gala charity event where Gotham’s elite have an excuse to flaunt their riches and pretend to be good people by donating to a cause they couldn’t care less about. Bruce only hosts these things to continue on a tradition that is older than himself and to please his conscience which always tells him to continue on his parents’ legacy. Normally, Bruce is better at these things, faking smiles and pretending to have rousing conversation with his guests and the press. This night was different however, his answers were short and pithy and he didn’t start a single conversation because his mind was elsewhere. On you. He had not seen his husband in so long, being away on “business” for weeks and not being able to touch you drove him up the wall. He wondered the first hour of the party where you were, looking among the crowds for you and soon giving up, assuming you hadn’t gotten there yet. This was his first chance to see you since before he left and he was going to make the most of it.
He let his mind wander as he sipped his champagne, thinking about what he could do to you once the guests had left. He thought about how you would look underneath him, his tie in your mouth muffling the sounds of your moans, his hand around your neck, keeping you down as he slammed into you. His lewd thoughts were rudely interrupted by a twitching feeling in his restricting dress pants. He looked around to see if anyone had noticed then frantically walked away. On his way, he saw you standing on the grandiose stairs, talking with another socialite, smiling and laughing gently. His mind started to wander again once he noticed how you looked in your suit, the jacket hugging your arms and laying flat on your chest, the dress pants laying gently along the skin of your thighs. He saw that you were gleaming as always and he couldn’t help but smile. Bruce sauntered his way toward you and this nondescript socialite and butted into the conversation.
“I’m so sorry but I am afraid I’m going to have to steal him from you, Mrs. Henning,” he said, voice smooth as velvet and placing his hand on the small of your back, “Honey, would you help me find some more glasses in the back?”
“Of course, my love. My apologies, Mrs. Henning.” you apologized and walked through the crowd with your husband. “What a lame excuse, you must be desperate.”
“I haven’t seen you in weeks, darling, of course I’m desperate.” he remarked, looking at you with a certain glint in his eye. You entered the kitchen as promised but instead of looking for glasses, “ALRIGHT EVERYONE OUT, CLEAR OUT I NEED THE KITCHEN CLEAR, YOU ALL CAN GO JOIN THE PARTY IF YOU WANT YOU JUST CAN’T BE HERE. THANK YOU.”
He held you close as he waited for the last of the cooks and wait staff to leave before pushing you against one of the cold marble countertops with a heated kiss. He lifted you from the back of your thighs so you were seated on the counter, legs wrapped around Bruce’s waist, pulling his hips closer so you could feel his throbbing cock against your swollen clit. He started to grind into you, pulling you as close to the edge as possible without falling off. His hands trailed up and down your back, stopping only to take off your tux jacket and throw it somewhere in the kitchen. He broke the kiss with a soft moan to hastily undo your shirt buttons. His speed and agility at undoing your buttons turned you on just a little bit more, but it was the eye contact that made it even better. You moved your focus to the front of your shirt, looking at Bruce’s fingers work your buttons but before you could, one of his hands moved up to your chin and lifted it so you were looking back at him.
“Ah-ah, look at me… good boy.” You could feel your cheeks go red as the words processed in your head and you looked directly into his piercingly blue eyes and adoringly dilated pupils. He untucked the rest of your shirt and pulled it back over your shoulders, exposing your chest. Bruce’s hands traveled up your back before bowing his head to the crook of your neck, pressing his lips against your newly cold skin. You held the back of his head and let out a breathy moan into his ear as you felt his tongue graze your collarbone. His lips left wet and sloppy kisses along your chest and down your sternum, trailing all the way down to where your waistband lay against your skin. He looked back up at you before breaking a sly smile and working on undoing your fly.
“Lift.” He less than asked, instructing you to lift your hips off the counter so he could slip your pants under them, which is exactly what you did and exactly what happened. He slipped your boxers along with your pants so when your ass hit the marble, you flinched, not thinking it would be that cold and let a gasp escape your lips.
“Shh shh, It’s ok…” there was an obvious and titillating contrast between the chill of the counter top and the welcoming warmth of Bruce’s hands, drawing pretty patterns along your neck and jawline.
You just now realized that you were stark naked on a countertop in a kitchen where anyone could enter from the bustling party going on just a single door away. You glanced quickly at said door with some slight concern on your face until you realized that your clit was throbbing at the thought. Bruce saw where you were looking and reassured you that ‘no one would think to come in here’ and ‘all the cooks left’ with soft whispers against your skin.
His lips trailed along your skin, moving ever downwards and looking up at you occasionally with those piercing blue eyes. His hands settled on the inside of your thighs, keeping them open as he admired your dripping cunt for a couple of moments before resting his head on your thigh with a soft moan. Your fingers interlaced themselves in his hair, scratching his scalp gently as he closed his eyes briefly. Once he lifted his head back up, he left some peppered kisses along your inner thigh before softly placing a kiss on your clit making your breath hitch. The very minimal contact was driving you up the wall. His tongue licked a sling stripe through your folds and to your clit, taking none of the salty taste for granted before pushing his tongue into your hole. Reaching all the right spots, you let out a loud moan and pulled at his raven hair. He lapped quickly and vigorously, moaning into your cunt, the vibrations sending a shiver throughout your whole body.
His hands kneaded the flesh of your ass and your thighs, making you feel somehow calmer and more aroused at the same time. His three day old stubble scratched gently on your skin as he buried his face into you, smacking his lips and sucking your clit. Two of his fingers found their way to your cunt, slowly pushing in and curling up into you, ensuring maximum pleasure. As his fingers grazed the walls of your pussy continuously, you felt a familiar sort of pressure build up in your lower abdomen. You could barely get out a coherent sentence but you said enough blabbering gibberish that Bruce understood what you were getting at. He sped up the pace with his fingers while still being diligent and skillful, trying to tip you over the edge. You let go with a high whimper, spraying rivers of clear liquid onto Bruce’s face and clothed chest, some dripping down his chin, some falling into his mouth. He lapped up the remains of your orgasm from your pussy before standing back up and gripping your jaw then pulling you in for a heated kiss. You could taste the salty remains of your juices on his lips as he kissed you sloppily.
“You always taste so fucking good.” he whispered against your lips, still groping your thighs and holding you close.
Your own hands started to meddle with his fly, unzipping it and pulling down his pants and taking his briefs with them so they rested just under his ass. His red, throbbing, and hard cock sprang free with a slap against his abs leaving a string of precum connecting the two. You ran your thumb over the tip, sliding the slick around a little bit, earning a low moan from the large man. With one hand gripping the fabric of his shirt and the other on his cock, you pulled him closer to you, sliding his tip along your slick. He got the hint and slid gently into your cunt, making sure you were comfortable before starting to thrust. The girth of his cock definitely made a stretch in your pussy but it was nothing if not pleasurable, the tingling sensation put a layer of added lust to it. You felt his cock reach your cervix as his hips met yours repeatedly, a perfect fit.
The once bustling kitchen was now only filled with the sounds of skin slapping and gentle moans along with the faint sound of the party still going on outside, sans host. Every time his balls smacked against your ass, you could feel yourself coming closer and closer to another orgasm, still sensitive from the last one. Bruce’s pelvic bone hit your clit repeatedly as his hands wandered along your back, gripping whatever flesh he could and moaning into your ear, his hot breath tingling against your skin and whispering sweet nothings with his low gravelly voice.
“Mm, my husband, so good for me… taking all of this, all of me. Such a good boy.” You clenched around his words, getting somehow more wet, gripping and clawing at his back. “Getting close, honey?” your head lolled back and your eyes rolled, he took that as an answer, “Cum on my cock, baby boy… Hm, just like that.” His hips thrusting faster, brows furrowed and about to cum as well.
Your climax came with no surprise but an unexpected intensity, your moans became loud and shaky as you tipped over the edge and your juices trickled down Bruce’s cock and soon after, his thighs. He kept fucking into you as he was so close, balls slapping against the wet skin and cock still pushing into all the right spots. His cock twitched before the hot cum poured into you in long white streams ebbing and flowing along your walls, filling you up proficiently. Your head rested on his shoulder, nuzzling into the crook of his neck and kissing it ever so gently as he slowly gave a couple more thrusts before pulling out and watching his cum drip out of your folds. The thought of his cum sitting in your boxers for the rest of this party flooded his mind, so he grabbed your pants and slid them back on to your legs.
“All that cum just sitting in there, no one will know but us, darling.” he remarked as he buttoned your shirt back up, “It might keep you lubed for later tonight too.”
Just the thought of it got you wet again and eager for what he had in store for after the party.
#✮ turtle fics#finally fucking finished this omg#its been so long im so sorry#anyway#FIRST BRUCE FIC WOOO#i really need to write for this man more i apologize for the lack of bruce content here#batman x reader#bruce wayne x reader#bruce wayne x transmasc reader#batman x transmasc reader#trans#transgender#transmasc#bruce wayne#batman#dc#mdni#bruce wayne smut#batman smut#batfamily#fanfiction#ao3 fanfic#transmasc reader
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Hi I know you mentioned you being aroace just a couple days ago and I was wondering if maybe you could explain more in depth about how you found out your sexuality and what not? If it’s not too personal…
I’ve always sorta struggled since I haven’t had any crushes as a kid except for maybe one and that’s just cause ppl kept asking me who mine was… so I don’t even think it was a legit crush?? So not only do I not know who (looks,gender, that sorta thing) I would like … am I ever gonna like someone to even find that out???
I know you said Superman on the new trailer was hot ahaha so do you still experience that sort of physical attraction? I’ve been told when people question which gender they like, to pick which one looks more attractive to them but I’ve never really experienced that sort of physical attraction so I can’t tell that way either…
I think any thought of a crush forming was more towards their personality as well. Looks I guess are more of a second thought I think..? Even then I can’t tell if this is “you’re such an awesome person I wanna be besties with you” really strong feeling or an actual “I wanna date this person” feeling.
The only person I’ve gotten really close to discerning it as officially crush was someone from work who was older by a good amount… which can be/is pretty weird.. Lots of people my age are just a little too crazy for me.. I guess??? Idk and even now I can’t tell if that was just “glad to have someone as a friend sorta thing. I’m really sorry if this is too personal and u don’t have to respond to the ask directly either I was just hoping on maybe some advice for some clarity if possible… as I get older and realize I’ve never dated/had that sorta infatuation it feels so excluding at times.
Also I am hoping for a feast AND desert with this “‘soon’ but still haven’t posted it two days later” chapter plz and thank you
I hope this made sense and wasn’t too invasive!! :(
when i was younger, i was reading about this kind of thing online and i didn't find anyone like me. i think it's about time that i come full circle and make my own post. i've got like half of my frontal lobe developed and i've been figuring out a lot of things about myself these past couple of years, and there might be someone out there who needs to hear this (´-`ʃ♡ƪ) so if anyone is interested, below the cut is a very long talk about how i figured some stuff out
when it came to my sexuality, i only started considering it when i was in middle school, going into high school. (which would be when i was 12-13). that's when a lot of my friends started having crushes on our classmates and i realized they were being serious when they said they had crushes on people. they had figured out their identities as being a lesbian or bisexual, and they had relationships. (or as close as you can get to that in middle school).
i started to panic and think that i was lagging behind. and i really started to repress my feelings about dating people and romance and what that would entail. i found out through the internet about being pansexual. at the time i thought "oh, they have the same attraction for everyone!" and i slapped it on myself because i thought it would fix everything. i even came out to my parents as pansexual and for a while i left it at that.
i had an idea of romance. i shipped characters in media and i knew that my parents really loved each other. there were a lot of examples for love in my life that weren't the best, but having two parents that actually did care about each other made me want that for myself in the future...
but that's in the future. i personally didn't think about it much because we were still kids. for a while i didn't think anyone else was being serious, that they were just trying it out quicker than i was ready for. it was a strange feeling. i guess i still believed we were playing make believe, or copying what we saw on TV or with our parents. often when my friends asked me who i had a crush on and i felt pressured, i would pick someone that i thought i wouldn't mind dating if i had to. someone would be "interested" in me and i would say "okay" because i felt like that was part of this game we all seemed to be playing. i've had a few "boyfriends" over the years that got people off my back when i had them. in elementary school it was this boy that didn't pick on me, another boy that was my parents' friend's kid. in middle school i had an online boyfriend and a couple of "crushes" on friends of friends, someone just a little far out of my circle that didn't shake anything up. my friends would help me get together with a person and they'd seem so excited for me, so i just went along with it.
then it hit me that they weren't doing it just to do it, or playing pretend. they actually felt something when they were interacting with their crushes. i started to reread books and rewatch media and really grasp what they were saying. the feeling of having butterflies inside them when they talked to each other, blushing when something was said? i thought that was about a general anxiety people get when talking to other people. but there was always something more to it that i just... didn't get. no matter how hard i tried, i didn't understand what that something was.
then started coming the pressure to do the same, to fit in. that's why i accepted a label of pansexual. it was "strange" but at least it didn't feel "broken." i could deal with people telling me that i was wrong for liking more than just boys. but to say that there was no one on the table gave me an anxiety i'd never felt before. like i would be letting down my family, that the entire course of my life would shift. i wouldn't walk down the aisle because there would be no wedding. my parents wouldn't have grandkids. my friends would go on to have lives completely separate from mine, we'd have nothing in common anymore. so i stuffed it all down and made myself believe that this wasn't who i was.
it really mixed me up because i did have a couple of "crushes" that felt real. there were a few girls i was friends with, there were boys in my classes (usually class clowns...) that i'd get excited to see every day. when i thought about dating them, it felt nice. any other time when i thought about dating someone, i'd get this awful feeling in my gut that i later realized was dread. i was fully convinced it was different from all the other times. that "different" that i didn't understand before.
it was different! but not for the reason i thought it was. those people made me laugh, they listened and remembered things about me (that i didn't get much of during that time of my life), and most of all: they didn't like me back.
there were literally no expectations in their eyes for things to go away from friendship. and i think that's what made me like them, but not as a crush. it was relief. there was always an expectation for other people (specifically boys) that if we were friends, things would stray from friendship at some point. not with these people. that relief, combined with all the other good feelings they gave me (class clowns...) made it so much easier to fall into a friendship that i didn't have with other people. and i was in denial for so long that i thought of those friendships as crushes because they were different from other friendships.
there were a couple of times that i got close to having to face my sexuality and it felt like a gut punch. there were a couple of people i was friends with (that i didn't have crushes on) that i had previously thought "if i had to pick someone" about. but when they actually told me their feelings, i would run away. in one case, i literally ran away. i changed my entire routine so that i wouldn't have to face them. and i'm a creature of habit, so of course i took that step back and asked myself why i was having such a strong reaction. my friends didn't understand why i was so panicked about these confessions. especially because before, i "liked" people and had no problem with it.
part of my feelings were that no one would actually like me (which only furthered me not wanting/not considering romance). some of the confessions that i got were fake/pranks, and it would really mess with my head. i wasn't skinny, i knew i was strange and awkward, and i could be very brash and stubborn. i had a weird sense of humor and i missed social ques. i got a lot of "you should be a lawyer" and complaints of being bossy when i was growing up and i always knew they really meant "you're a bitch." i wouldn't understand why i felt so othered from my peers like that until i learned i was possibly autistic, and i only found that out a couple years ago. combined with being plus sized and not conventionally attractive, i didn't get much breathing room. if i wasn't perfectly calm all the time, if i didn't force myself to be overly nice to people, and if i wasn't funny, i'd get told i was "draining" to be around.
i did a lot to try and fit in. i kept my hair long because people would compliment it, i tried to wear skirts instead of pants/shorts, i'd wear comfy clothes and the like so i didn't look like i was trying too hard. a lot of my personality was forced and i was the one who was being drained instead. i ended up having to get a radar for when people were just messing with me. and so when a real confession happened, there was a combination of anxiety about if they were faking or not, doubt that they could actually like me, and then a deep rooted fear about if they were being serious.
instead of the relief i should have felt when i learned it was a real confession, i still felt scared. it would be the same anxiety as if someone asked me to get on the world's tallest roller coaster in the world and i had just seen a chunk of the roller coaster fall in front of me.
that part made it even harder to come to grips with my sexuality. i thought if i gave up on being a hopeless romantic, i'd be giving in to all the times someone told me "I just don't see you dating anyone." being unlovable was a death sentence in my eyes. and it didn't help that i've lived in the south all my life. i was already strange and going to hell for a multitude of things. turning around and telling them that i was going against every expectation set of me to get married and have kids by 24????
(i should clarify that my parents had never been the ones to put this in my mind. when i came out as pansexual, they had only been confused about what the hell that was. the rest of their reaction was "i mean... we could already sort of tell." and while my parents had hopes for my future, i knew deep down that while they'd be a little sad not to have those expected memories with me, they wouldn't turn me away. and they would very likely be happy to create a whole different set of memories with me.)
i have my current friends to thank for me coming to terms with who i am. by the time i was in college i had started to question everything. my middle school friend group had been majority queer but we had gone to different schools or just faded apart. in high school, a majority of my time was spent in band. and while i was one of those people who had friends in a variety of friend groups, the closest friends i had were the people in my section that i sat next to every day. and in the present time, only a couple of them remained straight churchgoers. even though they've changed now just like i have, during high school i was a different story.
going to college opened me up to a far different experience. by this point i'd shifted from pansexual to bisexual. my college experience wasn't... ideal. or really healthy in any aspect. but meeting these people did dislodge the mindset i'd had for most of my life. and my current friends have changed my life. the fear that i had about being aromantic has now become the relief i needed my entire life. it doesn't feel broken, or wrong, or strange. sometimes i do feel sad about it, or question if this is really the case. maybe one day i'll meet someone who shows me that "different" feeling i'd been waiting to understand. but i grew past the societal expectation of needing a partner to be fulfilled in life and i'm so much happier.
life doesn't need to be about that partner. i have many, many friends and family to grow old with. i have a godchild!! one day i'll have my own house to celebrate holidays and achievements at, to host my friends and family. i'll have pets that i love and i'll have my own career, and i'll be happy because i never needed to fit expectations to be happy.
when it comes to anything sexual, it's sort of the same feeling as when i had "crushes" on people in real life. though also different? i don't look at real people and feel an attraction beyond knowing that they are attractive, objectively. i can feel attraction sometimes in a physical sense, but i have no interest in having anything personal happening between us. a fictional character has no interest in me, and so it feels safe to think that they're hot and to express it. like sure, yeah, i have a crush on them! i get giggly when Captain Smoker from One Piece shows up on the screen, and the new Superman makes me think "oh! okay!" but if they were real and in front of me? i'd probably... lose that attraction, like it was never there.
here's the kicker, though, and might sound weird at first: you don't have to put a label on yourself
yeah, i do consider myself aroace. but the world is ever changing and so is the human experience. it helps to have a basis, to understand your feelings and work through them. it's nice to be like "there is a name for this" and to find a community through that. i'm not saying there's anything wrong about figuring out your identity and saying "I'm this, this, and this!" nothing at all wrong with that. but we're all figuring ourselves out, all the time. it doesn't end when you put the label on. you have the entire rest of your life to continue learning things about yourself and the world around you. i wish i'd known in middle school that i didn't have to rush it, that i have every opportunity to take it one phase at a time. a human life seems fleeting, especially when you're looking back on your past and feeling like the time flew by. but that's just our perception of it as we look back.
what i mean to say it that it's okay to backtrack. it's okay to change your mind. it's okay to not put a label on it. it's okay to put a label on it. it's okay not to tell anyone, if you don't want to. it's okay to say "i'll figure it out." and it's okay if you don't. it's okay if you sit up in bed one day when you're 60 years old and go "that's what it is." as long as you live your life listening to yourself and not trying to meet an expectation you think you have to, then you're doing it right.
and it's okay if you lived your life like i did, and you didn't do any of that. being a human is messy and that's part of life. you're not gonna get it right the first time- but even then, sometimes you will! there's a nuance and a spectrum to everything you experience. take pride in who you are even if you don't have a clue yet. be kind to yourself. you're gonna be okay.
#this is pretty long#but there really might be someone who needs to hear this#learned that from my band director#he used to go on and on and tell us life lessons and his own experiences#and he used to apologize and say “but someone might have needed that”#and he was right#didn't mention it above but there were a couple times where my family was homeless#and one time he said something in class and it changed everything for me#he was right#someone might need it#this ask was a while ago but i had to get my thoughts together coherently#so anon know that you're not alone#and that what you've experienced is very common#aromantic#asexual#aroace#acespec#arospec#aromantism#queer#lgtbqia+#figuring out identities#my long winded life story
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DOUSY IN EVERY EPISODE ★ 7x09 | as I have always been (part four)
"hey. what're you doing up?"
"why do you care?"
"because you don't."
"I have to do something... and I don't know how."
#dousyedit#aosedit#daisyjohnsonedit#danielsousaedit#daisy johnson#daniel sousa#dousy#chloe bennet#enver gjokaj#agents of shield#marvelladiesdaily#filmtvcentral#dousyeveryep#brie*#*#daniel x daisy#gif#blood tw#apologies for the really long time without posting; i've been super overwhelmed irl; that should change soon I hope#also i've seen some people not like the super long posts so i'm going to try and break it down into smaller posts; maybe that will make it#easier to post more frequently :)
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Mini psa:
Please stop comparing my au to a preexisting au in the undertale fandom-- it's getting really tiresome and frustrating to constantly be compared to it
#It was funny the first few times#But now it's really really repetitive getting constant asks and comments saying it#I know there is similarities however they are not related to eachother whatsoever#Iv already talked about this before but I have to mention it again since it's been a while since my last post on it#Welcome home mob au#Also apologies if this comes off rude or very self centered- this has been going on for way too long#Daily iv been getting asks saying it and it's really been destroying my motivation
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