#anyways. some of these are just traces. because i couldn’t really do much without changing their designs and potential fucking some stuff up

[remxedmoon]

your friends don’t know what to do.

so!! i redrew every single enemy in the game. in the span of like 9 days (excluding the king i made him right after the last update). that’s abbbout 79* drawings total, with only 3 custom ones for once!! i’m so normal. as always, these are free to use with credit!! go nuts!! spritesheets are included <3

got some notes under the cut, along with As Many Enemies As I Could Fit without making this post obnoxiously long. and i failed. i had to swap between the app and browser several times and i still couldn’t fit every drawing. open this post at your own risk (silly).

okay so first of all. what’s with the asterisk. well. I Drew A Lot More Than 79 Assets Actually. they’re getting posted separately, because this post is ABSURDLY long. you can find most of them in the miscellaneous folder, but for a bit of clarity, i added the teleport map and a bunch of ui elements that reference sprites from the icon sheet. and also the game over and loop back animations but i haven’t finished the spritesheets for those because they’re a pain in the ass so they’re not in the drive yet

if you missed my complaining a few days ago, a few enemies might look a bit crunchy in the actual game? specifically, calamité and désespoir were drawn at the wrong size, because their images in the files do not match the spritesheets! i avoided the issue with most of the other enemies, those two just blindsided me. sorry about that!

^sadnesses having inconsistent designs was actually a running theme with these. détresse rock has an unused design in the files (which i managed to catch before having to redo it thankfully), anxiété has extra spikes that don’t appear on the spritesheet (sorry i was too lazy to fix that one), even the version of the friend rescue in the files doesn’t match any of the frames in the spritesheet. hfjfhfj. sorry about the quality issues.

tangentially related to that, massive thank you to @riggedbones for grabbing the individual frames for the animations for me!! they made my life so much easier. vs friends would’ve been so annoying…

speaking of the animations! hi can you tell i’m not an animator. these were my first time doing Anything animation related since, like, middle school. super sorry for the Jank in some of these! the friend rescue looked way better when i drew it 💔💔.

bourdon’s hands also might act a bit odd, my apologies. the sizing ingame is SUPER inconsistent (why is one of the hands SMALLER than the other????). once i’m able to actually test the mod, i’ll try to fix it wauaua.

the 3 custom sprites are for the triplets! i ended up making two versions for each, one that follows the ingame art, and one with my personal designs for them. i like my own designs for them, but they’re a lot easier to tell apart? so if you want to use the ones that fit the gimmick better, they’re also in the drive 👍

this update. was originally going to have way more custom art. i’ve actually got an act 6 siffrin enemy asset in my art program! but school started and i decided it’d be better to just get the normal stuff done. so the mod can actually come out in a reasonable timeframe. promise that’ll all come out Later! sorry about the wait 😓😓😓

also adding this because i almost forgot: no i don’t know if these are compatible with sasasaap. i don’t have the game still and it’s not my main priority atm, apologies!

okay! that was a lot! and there’s a ton of art down here! thank you for reading all this, i’ll be back with the game over animations and teleport map pretty soon! like. within the weekend. enjoy!!!

[starrydali]

hii! i love your writing and i was hoping you could write something about reader receiving negative comments by other campers? and Percy protecting them and reassuring them? thank youuu

∘°∘♡∘° Hiii! Thanks so much! Here I tried my best with it! ♡

✧˖*°࿐*✧.┊Percy Jackson hated seeing you upset. You’d been trying to brush off the comments from the other campers, but he could see right through your act. He always could. The way you tried to act like it didn’t bother you only made him more determined to make it all better. ✧. ┊ 

ʚ percy jackson x aphrodite!reader ɞ

You sat at the edge of the training field, trying to act like everything was fine. But the whispers from earlier still played in your head. It wasn’t just the usual teasing—it was meaner. People had been saying you didn’t belong, that you were only here because of who your parent was, not because of what you could do.

It wasn’t true, but hearing it still hurt.

Percy came up beside you, plopping down without a word, then nudged you with his elbow. “Hey, sweetheart. You good?”

You forced a smile. “Yeah, just tired.”

Percy didn’t look convinced. “You sure? You look kinda… off.”

You sighed, not wanting to admit how much it bothered you. “It’s nothing, really.”

Percy was having none of it. “Bull. I’ve known you long enough to know when something’s bothering you.”

You hesitated, then gave in. “Some of the campers were talking, saying… I don’t really belong here. That I’m just here for my looks.”

Percy’s expression immediately changed to something serious. “What? That’s total crap. You belong here more than anyone.”

You looked at him, feeling a little better, but still unsure. “It doesn’t really matter. It just… stings.”

Percy shifted, his tone softening. “Come here.” He pulled you into his arms, not letting you pull away. His hand moved to the back of your head, gently rubbing your scalp in slow, soothing circles.

You rested your cheek against his chest, breathing in the familiar scent of him. His embrace was comforting, like he was just trying to make everything feel safe again.

He spoke again, voice quiet but firm. “You’re amazing, you know that?”

You nodded into his chest, letting his words sink in. His thumb continued to trace small circles on your scalp, making you feel calmer by the second. “I just don’t get why people are like that. You’re one of the strongest people I know. Don’t let them get to you.”

You smiled softly, feeling the tension leave your body. “I know. But it still sucks.”

Percy gently pulled back, his hands cupping your face as he made you look up at him. “You’re so strong, Y/n. You don’t need to worry about them.”

You met his gaze, and he gave you a small, reassuring smile. “And, hey, if anyone else says anything, just tell me. I’ll handle them.”

You raised an eyebrow smiling a little. “You? Handle them?”

He shrugged, looking completely unbothered. “I’m Percy Jackson. Who else is gonna stand up to them? I’ve got a reputation to uphold.”

You couldn’t help but chuckle. “I’m pretty sure I can handle it too.”

“I know you can, kid.” He gave you a teasing grin. “But I’ll always be here if you need backup.”

He leaned in, kissing your forehead lightly. “And now you owe me a kiss for being so nice.”

You rolled your eyes with a smile. “I’ll kiss you, but only because you’re being a sap.”

“Oh, I’m not complaining,” Percy said, his grin turning into something more playful. “Now, how about that kiss kid?”

You leaned in, pressing your lips to his for a quick but tender kiss. Percy smiled against your lips and pulled away just enough to look at you. “See? I knew you’d come around.”

You shook your head, laughing lightly. “You’re ridiculous.”

“Maybe,” he said, his voice softening, “but you love me anyway.”

And as much as those campers’ words had hurt, with Percy holding you, making you feel like everything would be okay, they didn’t seem as important anymore.

✧. ┊ Send requests! :)

[thewulf]

I'm All In Darlin' || Jake "Hangman" Seresin

Summary: Request - Hi! Reading one of your fic got me this idea: hangman x reader, she isn't a pilot, maybe a paramedic or nurse or something like this. She goes to the hard deck because her best friend works there on the weekends and she became friends with the daggers... Read Rest Here

A/N: Love me some Jake as always. Changed up the ending a little bit. Very fluffy. Thank you anon!

Pairing: Jake "Hangman" Seresin x Y/N

Word Count: 2.4k +

“Hi Jake.” You hummed setting your glass down next to him on the high-top he and a few other Daggers were already occupying.

He gave you a once over as you slid into the bar seat next to him. Quirking an eyebrow up he sat up a bit straighter in his seat while turning towards you ever so slightly, “No scrubs today?” Jake asked seeing you in your nicer clothes. You’d been a nurse ever since you graduated college. You’d met your best friend Emily at the hospital not too much longer after that.

Nodding your head your took a drink from the beer, “Yeah, Emily convinced me to look nice for once. I have to admit though, jeans suck compared to scrubs.” You answered him once you took a drink and pointed towards your friend who was snuggled up to her ‘not-boyfriend’ Javy. While your roommate tried to deny the situationship you couldn’t deny seeing the man at your shared apartment every other night.

Jake grinned, “I like your scrubs. Not that I don’t like that outfit either. But you look cute in scrubs.” He rambled on as you smiled at him. The relationship between the two of you was… complicated to say the least. You weren’t the hookup type and Jake wasn’t really a relationship type. As much as you adored him you couldn’t put yourself through that knowing how much jealousy would rip apart the very friendship you’d already loved and adored with the man.

“Thanks Jake.” Your cheeks burned every so slightly with the look he was giving you, pure adoration. God, you wanted everything and more with this man. You’d grown to love him over the month and half long friendship you’d harbored with him. He was everything and more that you wanted in a man. It left you wondering what fucked up past relationship made him so allusive to a commitment. You’d prayed deep down it was some sort of defense mechanism and that maybe just maybe one day you’d have a chance with the man. But even you knew you couldn’t wait for forever.

He nodded, “You look cute tonight too.”

Your already there smile widened as you took in his sweet words, “You’re being awfully nice right now.”

He shrugged, “You know I don’t lie darlin’.”

“In that case, thank you Jake.” Your eyes traced over his face as he nodded once more at you. His eyes drew over your shoulder seeing a group of men pointing in your general direction. You noticed Jake’s own eyes darken as he moved to the other side of you, shielding you from the view of the men at the bar.

Clueless to his actions you gave him a confused glance once he settled down on the other side of you.

He sighed, “Group of Army boys visiting from Virginia. Some joint training exercise with another squadron on base. They’re not the best company.” You knew he wanted to say more but bit his tongue.

“Noted.”

He stood from his seat clearly still unsettled, “Come on, let’s sit outside. It’s a nice night out anyway.” He held out his hand for you to take. Without a second thought you took his hand in yours and let him lead the way. Both of you so stuck in your own little world that you didn’t notice the snickers from his own squadron mates.

When Emily saw that the both of you had in fact left the bar she turned to the group, “So, how do we get them together?”

“Pot calling the kettle black.” Natasha smirked eyeing how Emily was practically in Javy’s lap.

Em shook her head, “Not about me right now. It’s about those two idiots.”

Fanboy’s eyes lit up as he jutted in, “Make her jealous? Classic case of having Jake bring a girl here or something? That always works.”

Javy shook his head, “Not with Y/N it won’t.

Natasha smirked even further, “Been spending a lot time over at Y/N and Emily’s place huh? That how you know so much about her?” She challenged.

Javy shrugged, “Like Em said, not about us. It’s about them right now.”

Nat just shook her head, “Whatever. I agree with him though. That’s a stupid plan Mickey. This isn’t a movie.”

He shrugged, “You come up with a plan then.”

Nat sighed, “Just give them some time. They’ll figure it out. Not like either of them have eyes for anybody else.”

Em nodded, “So, stay the hell out of it?”

Nat grinned, “For now.”

You’d arrived back at the Hard Deck the next Friday for your usual routine of flirting with Jake until Penny shut the bar down. It had become a welcomed Friday tradition, the two of you getting lost in each other’s conversation.

When you scanned the usual location for Jake you frowned when you couldn’t spot the blonde hair you’d become so accustomed too. Reluctantly, you sat down next to Emily. Your eyes didn’t stop scanning the crowd to see if

“Seresin isn’t here.” Mickey spoke up seeing you still searching for the man.

Your frown only deepened, “Oh, no?”

He leaned forward whispering into your ear, “No, on a date with some pretty blonde girl or something like that. Saw him walking her to his car earlier for dinner.” You could tell Fanboy was feeling a little more sloshed than he normally was for a Friday outing with the squad.

“Oh.” Your eyes looked in every direction but at him, “Good to know, I guess.”

You didn’t notice Javy and Em sneaking side glances at your ongoing whispered conversation with the pilot. But he knew something wasn’t right seeing your face go from annoyed to upset in a matter of seconds. It dawned on him almost immediately that Mickey set to motion his very stupid, very idiotic plan.

“Y/N. What kind of beer do you want tonight?” Javy spoke up after seeing your downcast eyes.

You forced a smile on your face knowing you needed to think of a fix to your situation quick, “I’m actually feeling kinda shitty. Think I’m just going to head home for the night. I’ll see you later Em?”

She nodded, “You sure? I can order some food?”

You shook your head, “Positive. Just need to lie down for a while.”

“Alright. Call me if you need anything.” She gave your hand a quick squeeze letting you know she was there for you. She always was.

You nodded, “I’ll see you guys later.” You waved before rushing out the door not wanting to explain the oncoming tears. Jake on a date? Jake on a date with a pretty blonde girl? Fuck, you were fucked. You thought you had at least some exclusion with him. But why would you think that? You were just friends. Nothing more, nothing less. No matter how badly you begged him for just a little bit more. No matter how damn obvious you made it seem. It wasn’t going to happen, and you had to just accept it.

While you were letting yourself mope in bed for the night Jake and his sister, the pretty blonde, made their way to the Hard Deck. He’d talked you up the entire night, not being able to wait to introduce the two of you. So, when he walked in and didn’t spot you with the group Javy pulled him to the side explaining what had happened.

“He what?” Jake asked quickly, afraid he might have lost you in all the ground he’d been gaining with you over the last month. Jake had decided quickly once he met you that he was going to pursue you. You were everything that he wanted in a partner, just as you thought of him. Kind, sweet, caring and beyond sharp. Jake couldn’t help but to fall just as helplessly in love with you too. He was just taking it slow. He wasn’t going to spook you. No, he was going to do it right with you.

Javy nodded slowly, “It was a stupid idea. He was just trying to help the two of you. He wasn’t trying to fuck it all up.” Javy defended his overly intoxicated friend as best as he could.

Jake noticed his sister looking down probably feeling uncomfortable, “It’s fine, just tell her the truth when you see her next yeah?”

He grabbed his sisters elbow, “This isn’t going to plan.”

“Did I mess it all up?” She frowned clearly overhearing the conversation between the two men.

“No, it’s just stupid pilot shit.” Jake sighed sitting down, “She’s not picking up though. She always picks up.”

“Text her the truth. Let her be for the night and try again tomorrow. That’s all you can do. Give her some space.” Jake’s sister always leveled him out. Always made sense of the madness he always seemed to be in a state of.

Jake nodded, “You’re right.”

She grinned, “Always am.”

Jake knocked softly on your apartment door hoping you were home, and he could desperately explain the situation. A miscommunication that was all. He was head over heels for you and only you.

Jake’s relief of the door opening vanished when he saw Emily on the other side, “Jake. This is a surprise.”

“You know what happened?” He asked your roommate.

She nodded, “We told Mickey not to. He was drunk.”

“Is Y/N alright?” Jake asked peering in to see if you were awake.

“Define alright… She’s in her room. Came out for some food earlier.”

Jake frowned, “Can I see her?”

Emily stood there for a brief moment contemplating the options before stepping aside and inviting Jake in, “Just, be kind.”

Jake nodded heading right to your room, “Always.”

He knocked softly once he reached the other side. He waited a moment before knocking again.

“I’m fine Em.” He heard your

“Not Em.” Jake replied sending you straight out of bed.

“Jake?” You asked walking over to the door completely forgetting how you looked, like a troll who hasn’t seen the sunlight in days. Nevertheless, you opened your door spotting the blonde boy you loved so dearly giving you the most desperate look.

“Hey darlin’.” He gave you the best smile he could knowing the situation unfolding beneath him against his best wishes.

“Hey.” You looked him over quickly before looking back towards the ground.

Jake didn’t want to waste a second, “That was my sister. She came to surprise me. I swear it wasn’t some random girl.” He grabbed at your hand seeing the hurt look in your eyes.

You nodded, “I heard.”

“You heard? Why didn’t you text me back?” He asked gently. He wasn’t mad, no. He just wanted to understand. Understand you and why you were hurting.

You took a second before looking back up at him, “I don’t know… I guess I was just embarrassed.” It wasn’t easy for you to admit but here you were. Looking like a troll and bearing your damn soul to the man you loved.

Jake shook his head, “Don’t be darlin’. Can I tell you something?” He asked hoping you’d look back up at him.

And you did, “Yeah?”

“You not texting me back or calling? That scared the hell out of me. I knew how much you meant to me before but the thought of losing you…” He paused trying to find the right words, “I can’t bear the thought of that Y/N. I need you in my life. I adore you. God, what I’m trying to say is I like you. More than a friend. And I understand if you don’t believe me. My reputation isn’t the greatest.” He laughed it off as best he could, “But I’m all in on you darlin’. I’m all in.”

You looked back up to him with the widest set of eyes, “You like me?”

He smiled sweetly at you in your disheveled state. You were cute, as always. As messed up as it was it warmed his heart slightly at the thought of you being so torn up at the thought of him just going on a date.

“I like you a lot. A whole lot, sweetheart.” He nodded taking both your hands in his, rubbing the backs of path your hands with his.

Your grin slowed his anxious heart just a little, “Seems like we have a good problem on our hands Jake. One that’s easily solvable.” You smiled that genuine smile right back up at him, “I like you too. A whole lot.” You stepped forward letting your body rest near his.

“I’ll offer a solution.” He watched you closely as your cheeks warmed up under his intense gaze.

“Which is?” You asked all too curiously playing into the game.

He continued watching you under that lustful gaze that had you squirming, “Me taking you out tonight. A nice restaurant and a walk on the beach after? You get to look pretty, and I can put on my finest suit. Call it a date?”

The blush that spread through your cheeks made Jake’s knees a little wobbly. You had no damn clue the effect you really had on him.

“You really want to? With me?” You asked letting your insecurity get the better of you.

“Darlin’, there’s nothing else I’d rather due. And only with you.”

You grinned nodding your head, “It’s a date then.”

“I’ll see you tonight. Pick you up at 6. Can’t wait to see you.” He bent down giving you a soft kiss on the cheek.

As he turned around to walk out you called out to stop him, “Jake?”

“Yeah sweetheart?” He turned giving you one last look.

“Will you kiss me?”

He smiled nodding his head at the same time, “Of course, tonight. After the best date of your life. When you’re sure of it. 100% sure of it.” He leaned against the doorframe watching you with that hungry look in his eye once more.

Now it was your chance to be a little bolder, “What if I told you I was already 100% sure of it?” Your eyes flicked down to his lips before meeting his gaze once more.

“Well, in that case.” He grinned taking three large steps back to you.

He took your head in his hands looking down at your face, “You’re sure?”

“Never been surer.” You nodded as best as you could. Cheeks heating under the intimacy of the moment.

Before he kissed you he mumbled, “You’re so beautiful.” Letting you know you were in this one for the long haul. Jake was your endgame. You could just feel it.

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[ochrearia]

Only Colder

I don't feel all that good. Again. This will happen often I think when it is cold. Or maybe I'm just stressed. But my body hurts. It's not suffering in cold like YS is but. Something to be said here too I guess, about some things written. But. I don't know. Tired. And I don't have motivation to be a person or. Ask.

BFs in this one-shot: Yourself (YS)

Disappearing without a trace would still be easy. It would. YS knew mentally he wouldn’t be able to do it because his angelic instincts would kick in and actually stop him from choosing to stay gone for too long. He had responsibilities now. It was just a miracle that every winter before this he’d managed to avoid doing anything stupid.

But that was where the miracle ended. YS was no stranger to having shitty winters, because they were always shitty for a cold-blooded being like him. And now there were firsts he had to accept. First winter without his wings to help him attempt to keep warm.

First winter without her.

YS was never really one for Christmas. Or any holidays, really. Halloween was okay, but he didn’t partake in it this year anyway. The holidays in these last two months were off the table though. Drowned out by the constant that was the cloud of negativity accompanying the cold.

It was cold. Really cold. He didn’t like being cold.

But he couldn’t sit here and lie, saying he didn’t think about disappearing in a snowstorm in the middle of the night every once and a while. A thought that got more common when the months of snow actually came around. But now it was ten times worse with what happened between last year and now. Scary how things could change so fast.

YS was cold.

He was shivering under his blankets. He hadn’t realized how much having his wings actually helped during these months in his constant battle against the cold. Now they were gone, and he was realizing the absence of the extra built-in layer was hitting him hard. And he was woefully unprepared for how sharp the cold’s bite was on his scars. Scars that YS never gave a shit about letting properly heal to begin with, so it was definitely his fault they were still raw.

The warmies plushie that Cyber had given him was currently being squeezed to death in his arms. Grasping to whatever tiny source of heat he could, but it was fading fast and not sticking. It was cold. How was he supposed to even attempt to sleep with this shit going on? Cold days he could at least somehow salvage if he was lucky, but cold nights? He might as well get in the grave himself and die. This apartment didn’t have the greatest heating system, it didn’t reach very high temperatures. Nothing warm enough to help.

Her red glow on his nightstand drew his attention. If only he could stop shivering.

“I’m not… I’m not doing it.” YS mumbled in response to her light. “I can’t. I can’t do that. I can’t pull anyone away from their own lives for this stupid shit. Majority don’t even know and I don’t want to have to explain it all.”

Her glowing flickered in frustration.

“It’s the holidays, my dear.” YS let slip- god, he hadn’t said that in so long. He was getting too used to her being like that, as if that should be considered normal. “I won’t pull them away from the people they love during a season like that. I was the one who removed my wings. It’s my problem to fix. Or experience the consequences of.”

He sighed, turning his eyes to the dark ceiling like he’s done so many times before. It never got any easier. Despite it all, sometimes it really just ended up not being worth it. But every time YS had that thought cross his mind, it was immediately drowned by incredible guilt, because how could he ever think that when he had so many people in his life to care about now?

People he was sparing from this. It was some hour of night, the sun had been gone for at least a few hours. They should all be asleep by now, or at least trying. Or will be soon. Didn’t matter, YS wasn’t going to derail that. He wasn’t going to become a burden because he couldn’t handle a little bit of cold.

She was getting even more worried.

“I can’t.” YS repeated with a shake of his head. Even his body was starting to tense to the point of pain, because he was stressed about being so damn cold. But that still wasn’t a good enough reason to be a bother. “I’ve lived through every winter before. I’ll do it again.”

Apparently he had something to prove. There was no benefit to suffering alone, but… he was scared. Paralyzed by his own mind. He couldn’t do it. Couldn’t reach out, so afraid of being a bother, or inconveniencing anyone because he needed something. He couldn’t. Couldn’t ask. Couldn’t need. Some things just weren’t allowed.

Like how his angelic instincts would keep him from doing anything stupid and permanent, there was something else in his body that kept him from asking for help.

YS could daydream about what would happen if he did, though. Nice things that he could only hope for. Biff and Beef wouldn’t let go of him until he had to actually pry them off of him, that was for sure. Boyf would probably do that too. Beefer he knew had some sort of water power that involved hot water, YS wondered if he could turn his apartment into a sauna. Or just… lie on top of him in dino form and squish him in warmth- though Beefer may be cold-blooded too. Huh. He’d never asked…

Peacock would indulge him. Maybe pull some silly, sentimental shit and envelop him in his own wings. That would be a nice thought. Bee would probably enable the snuggles too, because most of them were similar in that regard at least. Physically affectionate. Blue as well. Blue… confused him. YS still didn’t understand how someone could just not know they were an angel. Had he just never seen his own wings? Did angels in Blue’s world not have to deal with this cold shit? That would be nice.

Most of them were physically affectionate. But not all of them, probably. YS wasn’t sure. Cyber seemed partial to him, clinging like no tomorrow, but seemed stand-offish with everyone else. BJ he had no real clue about. He was a bird, maybe? And also apparently not really alive? That guy was also confusing. He’d effectively perched on YS a few times but that was all. Not really too much to go off on.

Bash… YS frowned. Bash wasn’t like that for people he didn’t consider close. There were only a few that Bash was close to and he was very much not one of them. He couldn’t force that and wouldn’t. Suppose it sucked to even have a list of his people he wouldn’t ask even if he could. But… He couldn’t rely on everyone, surely. And he didn’t want to burden anyone to begin with. So really, he wouldn’t ask anyone. Can’t.

Hah. Brooke wouldn’t even consider it. Which, in all honesty, maybe he deserved that anyway. YS had hurt him first. Their first meeting was the most disastrous thing possible. He hated existing sometimes, remembering that him being alive managed to actually hurt someone else.

But that was the cold talking, wasn’t it?

Sure. Yeah. The cold.

YS was on his own. That was okay. He hadn’t earned any company anyway. The only company was the cold, and he was trying to get rid of it. So being alone it was.

The warmies had lost all its heat again. It was cold. YS was still shivering, and she was still glowing with concern on his nightstand. Well. Guess he should do something about this, huh?

YS steeled himself for the sharp bite of the air outside of his blankets. It wasn’t much warmer under them, but still something he could feel now being exposed to the open air. Shivering and still trying to conserve any heat in his body, he pushed down frustrated, defeated tears as he brought the warmies with him back to the microwave.

Maybe the twelfth time would be different.

[mexabraun]

Sweat and secrets(Toji Fushiguro)

Minors, do not interact!

CW: age gap!(17-33), sexual content! (face sitting&fucking, rough sex), praise kink, daddy issues(but no daddy kink, sorry)

WC: 16.5k

Synopsis: Megumi was my colleague and friend, both of us still in high school. I started working out when I was 16 years old, but recently had to switch gyms because of an incident. Megumi’s father used to work out regularly and occasionally trained a few people in his free time for some extra cash. One day, he started to see me in a different light. It went both ways.

“Oh my God, not again!” I sighed already exhausted when my phone suddenly lit up, my obsessive ex-boyfriend’s name making me fume with anger while I instantly touched the decline option.

He was the reason I switched from the small gym where I started to take working out seriously to this big, expensive place that I was already kind of familiar with anyway. Megumi wasn’t a gym rat, but his father was and he asked me to drop off things from their place from time to time. I was there almost every day, but only during the school year to complete tasks and homework with Megumi. I started to think he had a crush on me for quite some time, but I just ignored the feeling. I was attracted to his father.

I bit my lip in frustration, but I managed to shake it off quickly, changing my shoes, closing my locker and feeling a little dizzy, probably because my pre-workout was already kicking in.  Not even half a scoop did its job too well.

When I arrived upstairs, in the free-weight section, I quickly scanned the place with my eyes, searching for Toji. He hated when I called him Mr. Fushiguro, so I had no choice but to bring him down to my level. Or maybe he brought me up to his?

“…no. I only train back once a week, but I used to train it twice.” His voice hit me like a rock in the head, already making me weak in the knees. He was talking to a friend of his right before he got into his set of bicep curls. His veins almost made me faint, but right before I started drooling, his eyes landed on me through the mirror. I smiled innocently, occupying the bench next to him and warming up for the workout I hated the most: leg day. It was very hard and I couldn’t keep my hair down, I was going to sweat so much that I had to wash every single piece of clothing that I was wearing even though they were freshly cleaned before.

“What’chu working today, Mabel?” He asked me after he finished the set, making me look up at him from my half-kneeling position. I loved the view and I wish it was mutual. My name traced by his enticing, juicy lips was killing me in the most passional way. I was ready to spread my legs even harder than just the warmup, but I had to remain innocent. I couldn’t let them find out I had the fattest crush on Toji.

“Glutes and hamstrings. You got arms or pull?” I felt like it was my turn to ask and I didn’t want to let the conversation die anyway. It barely started. I felt like we were barely starting. His eyes were wandering on me a lot more than usual.

I kept doing my dynamic stretching, squatting without any extra weight and then moving on to some light weight RDLs, warming up my back as well. He just followed me like a puppy. I loved that.

“Arms, abs and cardio.” He answered while I was warming up my back with some scapular retraction. He almost never corrected me, unless I was losing my form. He knew that I knew what I was doing.

Let me be your cardio, the voice in my head screamed with desperation, but in reality I just nodded. I didn’t really know how to continue the conversation, but I had to make sure he didn’t go anywhere too far from me while I was working out.

“Will you help me after my two sets of warm up?” I looked up and smiled at him when the silence got too loud, even though there was music playing very loudly. He slightly tilted his head, probably wondering why I would need help.

“Yeah, sure. Just wave or something.” He answered calmly and left, continuing his workout. I was completely charmed by his existence, but I couldn’t let myself confess or even give him the idea that I had a soft spot for him. It was my little secret.

I warmed up with two different weights and then I brought the 30kg dumbbell next to my bench. I had to position myself for single-legged hip thrusts and I couldn’t put the weight on myself without forcing my wrists. Technically, I could’ve done it myself. Practically, if I could just ask him for help, why not?

I waved at Toji right before I got on the floor, my back glued to the bench, one foot elevated on a plate and the other temporarily on the floor, ready to get up and tell him how to put the dumbbell on me. I would’ve rather told him to put it in me.

“Thank youu!” I said cutely after he put the dumbbell on my leg exactly how I wanted it and he smiled back at me with only half of his mouth. I absolutely loved the fact that he waited for me to finish the set and helped me put the weight on the floor so I wouldn’t have to drop it at the end. I breathed hard while executing the last reps, which made him pay more attention to the moving weight. At that point, I started wondering how many girls he was treating like this. Or maybe he just was a good trainer and I was delusional, as always.

“You comin’ over tonight?” He asked me out of nowhere, his delicate tone making me frown. He used to make fun of me for spending a lot of time at his place with Megumi and our friends, but never directly asked me if I was going to their house. Did he want me there or was he just trying to make conversation? I blushed a little bit, even though I shouldn’t have.

I noticed his eyes subtly wandering upon my figure again. That was the moment I started to feel the tension come from both of us.

“Yeah, why? You need something?” I tried to play it cool, but my second question made me cringe a little bit, but I hoped it tingled his ears the right way. My right way. He lifted his right eyebrow for a second, but then quickly hid the shadow of confusion that fell on his face for a second. He clearly knew something that I didn’t. Was I not supposed to be there?

“Just call me when you want to come over. Megumi will be home later than expected with the rest of his friends.” He spoke in that deep tone that made me wish Megumi wouldn't come home until the next day so we could spend the night together in his father’s bed. Naked, heavy breaths, drops of sweat... Our little secret maybe, as tormenting as it sounded for someone who didn’t know how to lie or how to live with one.

“Why?” I asked with a drop of panic in my voice, making him sigh as he put the weight on the other leg. I inhaled deeply and started my set as I listened to his low voice, so soft when he spoke to me. I wished I was his soft spot. His dark blue eyes had me drowning in them as he watched me exhausting myself, moaning a little as I reached my breaking point, dropping the weight on the floor and smiling awkwardly afterward. He reacted too late. The thought that he enjoyed the view so much that he got lost for a few seconds had my stomach tingle.

“One of them got injured and they had to postpone everything.” He explained with a serious tone, while his eyes started wandering on everything around us, but not on me.

“Oh. Wouldn’t I bother you with my presence if your son isn’t around?” I looked up at him, directly in his eyes, my voice catching his attention immediately. I pressed my lips together, waiting for an Of course not, Mabel. I want you in my bed.

“No.” He answered right away and I barely contained myself from sighing in relief. “And I really don’t want you home alone with the upcoming weather.” He continued while looking down at me, playing with his drawstring. Those gray pants never disappointed when they sat on Toji’s hips. Was he doing that on purpose? I tried my best not to stare at that part.

“What else do you know and I don’t?” I asked him jokingly and he smiled, rolling his eyes amused as I exhaled one last time before getting up on the other leg, grateful that this was my last set of one-legged hip thrusts. Every time he bent down to grab the dumbbell, his arm pump was making his muscles pop a lot more than usual. He had such a great physique, even won the genetics lottery. He was perfectly balanced.

“You’re not that stupid.” He muttered under his breath as he got closer to my face, making sure only I heard what he said and, after that, he got up and left to continue his workout. After he positioned himself face-to-face with the mirror for the bicep curls, he winked at me. In my mind, my jaw dropped to the floor, but, in reality, I had to react nonchalantly. I just raised my left eyebrow and slightly smiled.

***

“Should I call him, even if Megumi is not answering?” I asked my best friend as I was looking at my wardrobe, thinking about the rest of my friends. We were all supposed to get together at Megumi’s house to celebrate his 18th birthday. I was supposed to meet up with a few girls and get there before the boys did, but the plan just fell apart. Even the weather was telling me it couldn’t happen.

“Yes, girl! He told you to do it, right?” She almost sighed, fed up with my anxiety, probably ready to slap me across the face for every time I told her not to stress about small things or those she can’t control. Was I even in control of this situation? Was he going to call me if I didn’t?

“I can’t wait for him to pick up and tell me Heyyy, soooo, you can stay home.." I popped my lips at the end of the sentence, making it sound a lot more dramatic than it was supposed to. Kayla just laughed and I visualized her rolling her eyes, amusing me a little bit as well. I couldn't help but wonder if Toji wanted me at his house for other reasons than his son, because I started to feel like it.

“I wouldn’t be so sure, especially after you told me what he did today. I think he got a thing for you.” She spoke calmly, but with a hint of playfulness in her voice, making me purse my lips and slowly starting to build up my courage.

“And I got a thing for him.” I said on a serious tone, making her sigh on the other end of the phone. “I’m gonna pack some lingerie.” I continued after a few seconds, putting Kayla on speaker, throwing my phone on the bed and choosing some clothes for the following almost 24 hours.

“Pack? Girl, you won’t have time to change! Just shower again quickly before he arrives and put it on!” She spoke loudly, on a squeaky tone, making me grin evilly. I was very attracted to older men, but I didn’t want anything serious with those 30+. After all, I was almost 18 myself. I couldn’t believe I was getting ready to fuck Toji Fushiguro. Suddenly, I was very excited and couldn’t wait to call him.

“OK, OK! I’m going to call him. Kisses!” I yelled at my phone and let Kayla end the call while I was deeply buried in my wardrobe, searching for a short satin nightgown, wondering what was his favorite color. He had a mysterious aura, so I had to go with something safe, like black or red. Red was too obvious, so I had to choose the dark one. I also went with a black pair of panties and bra, simple, but with multiple straps, making them look just right for people who had a 'tie me up and do whatever you want' kink. Now that I was ready to drop down on my knees in front of him, I needed clothes to wear for the rest of the time and exchange undergarments, plus my hygiene things.

I picked up the phone with my shaky hands, biting my bottom lip as I started the call and brought the small speaker next to my right ear. My palms were already sweating, but I kept checking out the clothes on my bed, manifesting and attracting more than a slim chance to have one night alone with Toji. Even though I was dying to get into his pants, I was sure of one thing: I was not going to be the one who was going to initiate anything. I had clear boundaries when it came to men.

“Finally, Mabel! Took you some time. Did you change your mind?” He answered, didn’t even bother to say hi and directly scolded me like I was some dumb kid, but I loved it. My daddy issues were screaming in pleasure at the way he was talking to me. I closed my eyes and sighed through my smile, trying to contain my excitement.

“No, sorry. I waited for Megumi to answer, but he didn’t and I thought-”

“No worries. I talked to him. He’s not coming home ‘till tomorrow.” He interrupted me right when I was about to say something about not coming over, which he probably didn’t want to happen anyway. I heard it in his deep voice. He wanted me there for nsfw purposes.

“Am I the only one who’ll be there overnight?” I asked with a drop of fear in my voice, but, in reality, I was praying to God that he was going to say 'yes'. I started to take of my clothes while we were still talking, slowly getting ready to shower and use my best products to look, smell and feel soft and sensual.

“Does it bother you?” He straight up asked me, as if he read my mind for the past months and decided that the night Megumi was gone was the perfect opportunity to prey on me.

“Not at all.” I answered confidently, making my intentions as clear as mountain water. I couldn’t help but smile proudly of myself as I was still undressing. I secretly hoped that he knew what I was doing while talking to him.

“I’ll be there in 20.” He spoke to me sternly, making my heart beat faster with each word outlined by his appetizing lips. Toji Fushiguro was very mouth-watering in general.

“Oh, umm, big man?” I asked jokingly, not wanting to pronounce his name until we were face to face to see his reaction. I heard some rustling in the background. Was he undressing as well?

“Hmm, yes, little girl?” He asked almost out of breath, but quickly straightened his tone as if he was doing something besides talking to me. I was wondering what it could’ve been.

“What are your plans for tonight?” I asked with a little less confidence in me, a little bit afraid of his answer. There was a chance he might’ve caught on what I wanted to find out or do about it and make fun of me, but I was willing to risk it.

“Whatever you want.” He answered nonchalantly, making me frown as I thought how I was supposed to answer to this sentence. “Why? Haven’t you got any ideas?” I heard his little grin in his words as he continued confidently, making me squeeze my legs together. “I got some.” He spoke with a cocky tone, making my jaw drop to the floor. I was sure of his intentions and ready to drop down on my knees in front of him if he seduced me correctly.

“I trust you.” I smiled while answering, taking off my panties and throwing them aside as I walked into the bathroom fully naked and ready to wash, scrub and hydrate my skin once again. He chuckled in response, his raspy voice making me roll my eyes in pleasure. I was high on his voice and behavior towards me.

I put on some music and groomed myself like there was no tomorrow, I got dressed and checked my bag a million times before waiting for him to give me a sign to run through the pouring rain straight to his car.

“Hello, miss. Are you ready for the ride of your life?” He greeted me like we were in the most passionate and healthy relationship and we both just got off from work, making me raise one eyebrow and smile at him. His eyes were already staring right into my soul, intimidating me when we finally made eye contact.

“Hello, mister. Are you talking about yourself or the car?” I asked him directly, trying not to blush too hard and make it look like I was too innocent for this. He chuckled like he didn’t expect me to say something so bold, but he liked it. He broke the eye contact after a few seconds, running his left hand through his straight, semi-wet hair, while the other hand shifted the gear and so we left my parents’ parking spot. Everything he did was so hot.

“Both.” He answered on a much lower tone, making me blush very hard. Suddenly, the inside of his BMW was way too hot and the air was too heavy to breathe properly.

“Yeah.” I finally answered his question while looking around. The AC was on, the windows were not foggy at all, the wipers were working hard to wipe the rain, music was playing in the background(Scream - Usher) that was telling me what was going to happen when we got to his house.

“This is very wrong, but I can’t stop myself, Mabel.” He suddenly switched his approach, talking to me on a very serious tone. He almost caught me off-guard with this one. I was already soaking wet.

“Just don’t think about it like that.” I was 90% sure he was talking about Megumi and his feelings for me. I couldn’t care less about the fact that his son had a romantic interest in me. I was way too interested in his dad to even see another man in front of me. OK, maybe I wanted more than just a one-night-stand.

“I’m the one who’s supposed to know what’s better. Just tell me if I’m going too far.” He said while moving his hand on my leg, squeezing my thigh with his long fingers and biting his lip. He was toying with me. His body language gave him away too easily.

“You know I like it.” I put my hand on his, scratching his forearm until I reached his bicep and came back down, making him grin while driving in the hottest way possible with one hand on the steering wheel. He made me so physically vulnerable.

-Yeah, I just wanted to hear it from you. He admitted exactly what I thought, moving his hand on my grey sweatpants a little closer to my groin area, making me purse my lips nervously. We were on dangerous territory already.

“And you decided that playing the ‘I’m supposed to be the mature one’ card is going to get you what you want?” I asked him a little irritated that he had to play the injured puppy to get whatever he wanted out of me, while observing his outfit that was identical to mine: black shirt that hugged his figure like it was painted on him, grey long sweatpants that made his dick way more accessible, especially when it was hard and a pair of black sneakers because it was raining outside and we couldn’t get our perfectly white Nikes dirty. We really were a perfect match, at least tonight.

“I always get what I want.” He answered with his cocky tone, biting his lip as he squeezed my thigh once more before he had to move his hand from my leg. Cold air brushed the spot where his hand was, making me shiver a little bit. His touch was full of warmth and energy.

“Sounds like something I would say.” I agreed with the same attitude, gaining more confidence with every flirty comment that came out of our mouths. I couldn’t believe how fast we were progressing.

“Oh, really? What do you want, sweetheart?” He asked proudly and I bit my lip at the thought that he didn’t know this side of me and was pleasantly surprised. I glanced at him, but he was already looking at me, making me blush more.

“You should already know.” I answered simply, trying to play the innocent card again with my tone and body language. Something was telling me that he was into the young girl - older man dynamic.

“Fuck, yes.” He muttered and put his hand on my thigh again, owning it until we got to his house.

We parked in front of his house around 7 minutes - 3 songs - later, rain still pouring outside making me wonder how little I would’ve slept if I remained home alone. He pressed the start/stop button after a few moments of silence, tossing his phone in the pocket of his grey sweatpants and looking at me while pouting. He grabbed a blue hoodie from the backseat and put it on my lap, then grabbed my bag and signaled me to exit the car. It was his hoodie. I felt his perfume while I was putting it on, making me roll my eyes in pleasure. I threw the hood on my head and right as I was about to open the door, he did it for me and led me to his house. Was he doing this type of things for every single woman in his life? If yes, was I jealous?

I admired his tall, sculpted figure, especially his upper body that was showing much better through his wet shirt. It was, indeed, the hottest scene I participated in. His huge, well-scented hoodie was helping a lot. All of my senses were tingling uncontrollably.

“I hope you have nothing that rain can destroy in this backpack.” He said after we entered, locking the door behind us and putting my bag on the floor. All I wanted to do was jump on him and let him undress me, but I couldn’t. I had to be the delicate girl he knew and was attracted to.

I let the hood slide off of my hair, freeing my long curls from underneath the fabric as he turned to look at me. I quickly took of my shoes and walked towards the carpet, but I felt a warm, wet hand grabbing the back of my neck, forcing me to turn around and face him closely. Way closer than we ever were. Too close for everyone watching from an objective perspective, but not too close for us. It wasn’t even close to enough.

“I swear I’m not a pedophile, Mabel. You’re just something else.” He looked so seriously at me, lights still off, but we were both so turned on that anyone on a 10 mile radius could’ve felt it.

“That sounds like something a ped-”

“You know what I’m trying to say.” He simply cut me off, trying to make a point, but I decided that I had to munch on his nerves a little bit before he got his way. I didn’t want it to be boring, even though I knew Toji could never be boring.

“Do I?” I asked on that innocent tone that usually made him fold on the inside, raising my eyebrows a little bit and biting my lip as his other hand was making its way on my waist, then my back, pulling me closer to him until we were glued together.

“Yes, you do.” He spoke with a deeper voice, making me squeeze my thighs together again. I put my hands on his chest, feeling his muscles through the wet shirt as a few drops from his hair were making their way on me. It was a little bit annoying, but I brushed it off easily when I felt his warmth on me.

“Are you sure?” I kept pressing him, making him sigh and move his face closer, enough for our noses to touch if our heads were perfectly aligned. The hand that was holding on to my neck slowly made its way through my hair, then to my left cheek, brushing my lips with his thumb as if he couldn’t wait to kiss me and use my mouth for other purposes. I couldn’t wait to see what he was capable of. I just knew he was the freakiest, hottest guy I ever met. I felt it in his energy since day one.

“I know you do.” He inched even closer, his mouth almost touching my ear, while his thumb trailed down on my chin and neck, then making its way back up on my cheek. I had to regain some control, at least fight for it, even if I didn’t want it all. I loved it when he dominated me, no matter what I said or did. The fact that he clearly enjoyed it turned me on 10 times more.

“Don’t forget, Toji: I only let you take advantage of my daddy issues because I like you.” I contoured his name with my lips in an extra spicy way, making him smile with my bold words once again. He probably knew that I didn’t have a good relationship with my father thanks to Megumi. The thought of Toji trying to take advantage of me made me second-guess the situation, but I had to find out what was in his head before opening my legs.

“It’s an honor.” He agreed without hesitation, smiling on my cheek while tightening his grip on my waist as if I didn’t need air to live. I bit my lip at his reaction, but I couldn’t stop there.

“Good boy!” I let my hands wander on his shoulders, to his back and just rest them on his wet shirt around his neck. I wanted to take it off so badly, but I didn’t want to break the most sensual hug. I wanted him even closer.

“Who are you calling a good boy? Oh, dear, you just got on my nerves.” He backed up, releasing me from the tight grip, switching from soft dom to offended man, making me giggle. My heartbeat got faster after his words got to my brain. This was exactly what I wanted. I wanted to get on his nerves. I wanted it hard.

“Oh, no. Wha-”

“Shut up!” He cut me off quickly, aggressively, grabbing my neck and pushing me against the wall. I really struck a chord with that one. I just smiled even wider, holding on to his wet arm with both of my hands. I could barely wrap my skinny hands around his big forearm. This man just raised my standards too high for anyone else to ever reach them.

“But-”

“The only butt here is going to be yours, slapped so hard that you won’t sit down for days if you don’t do what I say.” I tried to keep fighting, but he got too annoyed to let me even start my sentence properly. His aggressiveness made me completely melt in his hand and shut up for good. I bit my lip, looking into his eyes as he got closer, running his other hand through his hair to slick it back. He even pushed his knee between my thighs, making me rest on it. I couldn’t move anymore. I was ready to let him make me his sex doll.

In a split second, he let go of my neck and grabbed my hands, putting them on his shoulders while he closed the little distance between us, pressing his lips against mine like he couldn’t live another second without it. I immediately responded to the kiss, running one hand through his hair, while the other pulled at his wet shirt, not giving a shit about our clothes getting wet from his shirt. All I knew is that I had to take off his hoodie because I was starting to overheat.

“Oh-off!” I broke the sloppy kiss right after I let his tongue slip into my mouth because, if not, I couldn’t speak anymore. I barely formed one word after a little moan. He didn’t want to let go, so he bit my lip as a punishment.

“You want it off?” His hands went down to the hem of his hoodie, pulling a little bit, getting ready to pull it all the way up.

“Mhm.” I caught my breath and nodded, humming because that was all I could do. I was officially high on Toji’s touch.

“Of course, baby.” He took a step back and helped me take off his hoodie, grabbing my waist with one hand after he threw his piece of clothing on my backpack, while the other grabbed my leg and forced me to jump and wrap them around his waist. He quickly took off his sneakers and pressed me against the wall again. This time, I felt his erection, moaning as he kept kissing me passionately and pushing himself onto me. His hands started to wander on my waist, back and glutes, moaning in my mouth when I pulled his hair to break the kiss because I couldn’t breathe.

“What kind of a gentleman would I be if I took you right here, right now?” He spoke softly, hugging me tight with one arm, while the other grabbed my backpack, leaving the doorway with me wrapped around him like a koala.

“You wouldn’t be.” I answered sheepishly, making him chuckle, but I was convinced I didn’t have to answer and he didn’t expect me to.

“I don’t want to be greedy, but I really hate wasting time, so…” His voice filled his room as we entered just like the masculine scent filled my nose, just like I wanted to be filled by him already. I was amazed. I have never been in his room before. I had no reason to be here.

“So you let me in your precious room.” I tried to crack a joke while he was putting me down on my feet, but he wasn’t amused at all. He was dead-serious. I bit my lip, kind of regretting.

“Not even my son dares to enter without knocking, sweetheart.” He reassured me with a rougher tone, but still calm, making me feel privileged in some ways.

“I wasn’t talking about him.” I also used a more serious tone, making him raise an eyebrow after he put my bag on the gaming chair. His room was very dark-themed. Everything was black and white, but mostly black. Even the lights were white, but he dimmed them from his phone.

“You let anyone in your space?” He asked while taking off his wet shirt. At that point, I was drooling. I took a seat on his bed, facing him because I really wanted to see him change. No shame. Apparently, we were past that.

“Fine, you win.” I rolled my eyes, putting my phone on the nightstand and leaving it there on silent mode. No one could bother me while I was having the hottest experience.

“What did I win?” He asked on a playful tone, making me grin. I had to say something smart, but I also had a few kinks I wanted to fulfill.

“You get to give me one of your shirts.” I let myself fall on my back, feeling his soft black bedsheets. They smelled very fresh. I could’ve bet my ass on the fact that he changed them because he knew I was coming over. This man’s attention to detail was on point.

“Fair enough. Come, choose!” He tilted his head, signaling me to go where he was as he opened the doors to his wardrobe. I was stunned. He had his t-shirts hanged on one side and his elegant shirts and costumes on the other side, while the shelves were packed with clothes that didn’t wrinkle. A dark green shirt caught my eye and I immediately grabbed it, gasping when I saw that it had the scout legion’s(Attack on titan) emblem on the back. I couldn’t believe what I had in front of me. He chuckled when he saw my reaction. No words were spoken, but we knew what the other had to say about this.

He grabbed the oversized shirt from my hands, throwing it on his right shoulder, while he put his other hand on my waist and turned me around. He was facing my back and I was confused why he wanted to do that until he slipped his fingers under my pants and grabbed the hem of my tight shirt.

“Can I?” He asked while his hands wandered under my shirt just enough to feel the skin on my waist, tightening his grip and massaging the area. Was he asking me for permission to take my shirt off? This man was the definition of dominant, but not intrusive or forceful. I closed my eyes and smiled.

-”Yes.” I answered after I let the tension build up for a few seconds, spoke slowly and clearly, but my tone was sensual. I actually wanted him to take off my shirt.

“I won’t look.” He said with that raspy voice, his tight grip on my waist giving away his excitement. He pulled my shirt up, dragging his palms on the shape of my body and feeling everything while undressing me. He stopped at my chest for a few seconds, squeezing them while his mouth started leaving sloppy kisses on my neck, sucking the skin, but not enough to leave any hickey. I wanted him to mark me, but I didn’t want to seem greedy. I wanted to turn around and bite him until blood leaked from his chest, but that would’ve been too much. Even for me.

“Feeling is better than looking.” I tried to point it out on a sensual tone, but I was too aroused to fully control my voice or reactions.

“Mmm, don’t give me ideas.” He growled into my right ear, making me close my eyes and let my head rest on his chest. I trusted him with not looking at my chest just because I didn’t care if he did it. His dick was going to explore my insides whether he glanced at my boobs or not. The fact that he thought about blindfolding and me being too innocent for it made me grin. I was way too ready for it, but the sight of him turned me on more.

I put my hands over his after he massaged my tits for a little while, feeling and hearing him breathe heavily almost in sync with me. We were both ready to do our cardio session on hard mode. My panties were already soaking wet and I started to feel guilty about it, but I tried not to let that distract me from this feeling. I was floating.

“Lift up your arms, beautiful.” He spoke softly, but with a hint of impatience in his voice, sliding the shirt with his hot hands on my skin until it was off. He threw the shirt on his bed and I turned around in the meantime, pressing my bare chest to his and making him grab the back of my neck and kiss me sloppily.

I scratched his back, making him moan in my mouth, but that wasn’t nearly enough for me. I wrapped my left arm around his neck, while my right hand guided his to my leg, showing him that I wanted to climb on him like a monkey on a tree, but he smiled and refused.

“Mm, no, Mabel. We gotta do something else before.” He squeezed my butt, slapped it, then turned me around like I was his doll and weighed barely a few kilograms, guiding my arms up as he dressed me in his shirt, being very careful with my long curly hair, handling it with almost shaky hands.

“What?” I asked a little bit annoyed, frowning.

“I need help with Megumi’s cake. You down?” He smiled innocently, making me raise my eyebrows. I forgot that his son existed for a few minutes. His father had me in a tight leash and I absolutely loved it. I was dreading the next day. I wanted to do things with Toji until I couldn’t breathe anymore. Actually, I wanted him to do things with me.

“Mmmaybe.” I answered slowly, like a cat purring on him, making him sigh. I can’t focus on anything but you, even though I want to help. I said calmly, licking and biting his neck slowly afterward, making him chuckle and tilt his head a little bit to give me more access. I was sure he understood what I meant. He was very smart, he would’ve caught on what I wanted even if I was mute.

“Anything you want.” His voice made me bite harder, but my bite made his grip on my waist tighter. His hands reached my ass again, making me moan on his neck. The circle kept going to infinity. This made me believe we were a perfect match.

“Make me want to help you.” My tone wasn’t playful at all, but he kind of took it as a joke. I felt his skin tense, glancing at his lips only to see him slightly smile. I wanted to sit on that smile.

“Mhm, I wanna hear a clear ‘yes, Toji’ by the end of this.” He took control again, as if he didn’t just left it to me a few seconds ago. It was just his way of letting me confirm what I wanted. I wasn’t sure what he was going to do, but I was here for it. All in, all the way.

“Mayb-”

“No, baby. Don’t make me repeat myself.” I don’t like that. He cut me off immediately, slapping my buttcheek and making me screech in pain, but I really liked it. I loved the way he was always above me. These games might’ve made me start catching feelings.

“Yes, Toji.” I finally obeyed him, maybe a little bit too soon, but I wanted to surprise him. I wanted him to reward me, not punish me. At least not now. I wanted him to focus on me in a positive way.

He pulled me in for a more aggressive kiss, while one of his hands trailed to the front of my sweatpants and undid the laces. I scratched his chest while I let him do whatever he wanted to me. Was he really going to fuck me or just tease me until I said “yes, I will help you when you want me to”?

“Do I have green light, doll?” He asked me very impatient, pulling my pants down to the floor and tapping my leg twice, signaling me to step out of them. I did what his body language told me to as he got back up, looking down at me with lustful eyes. In my head, I was like: more like anything you want, Toji.

“You’ll know if you don’t.” I answered him truthfully, but he didn’t like what I said. I didn’t want to say straight-up yes. I don’t think he even wanted that, but maybe he had higher expectations. I was emotionally intelligent as well, after all.

“You think that answer satisfied me?” He directly asked me, making me grin while looking into his eyes. Taking a break from sloppy kissing was really building up tension. I wanted him to take off his shirt that was more like a dress on me and put it in aggressively.

“I know it didn’t.” I got dangerously close to his lips, moving mine over his as I spoke. He started to get pissed. I loved it.

“You like seeing me angry, don’t you?” He said through his grin, making me back off a little bit. Yes, Toji. My panties were soaking every time your eyes got darker with anger.

“Do I?” I raised an eyebrow, making fun of the situation and him. He seemed a little bit amused, but annoyed and turned on at the same time. I was living for this combination showing on him, especially for me.

“You’re so annoying.” He muttered while he grabbed my legs and wrapped them around his waist again, but this time the palms of his hands touched my bare skin, making me gasp. The way his grip was so tight on me naturally made me melt in his hands quickly.

“Just shut up.” I spoke through the breath that I released after he grabbed me, slamming me on his bed and getting on top of me. I always wondered what this felt like, even imagined it between sets at the gym. It didn’t compare to the real thing.

“Make me!” He kept giving signs of submissiveness in the most dominant way that I started to be confused. Did he want me to take control or just to execute what he said? Was I tripping?

“Are you sure?” I asked him, unsure about what he wanted me to do. Did he want me to kiss him harder? Did he want me tot take over control? Did he want to use his mouth on me?

“Sit on my fucking face, woman!” He grabbed my cheeks with one and and spoke to me in a very aggressive demeanor, making me look mesmerized into his eyes. Were my ears playing tricks on me? Was this man really into this? My horrible taste in men ended with this masterpiece of a man.

“Does you son need a mother?” My mouth spoke without asking my brain first, drooling because Toji was still gripping my cheeks and offered his mouth on a silver tray.

“Mmmaybe.” He laughed at my joke, making the same annoying joke just like me, except I didn’t know if I went too far and he said that to avoid any turn-off situation or not. Suddenly, I got back to being shy.

His mouth started to go lower and lower on my body, leaving a trail of saliva on me neck, lifting his shirt, but keeping his eyes closed, kissing every inch of my chest and stomach before he pulled the shirt back down and looked at me for a few seconds, most likely admiring the view. I took his right hand from my thigh and guided it between my legs, making only one side of his lips go up in a small cocky grin. He understood the fact that I couldn’t take it anymore. He took off my

“Keep my shirt on.” He demanded after making a sudden move, switching with him under my spread apart legs. I was worried about patching his pants, but he didn’t care. He pulled his pants halfway down, grabbed my hips and pushed me against his hard dick, making us both moan. Even though he had his boxers on, I felt every single shape his cock had.

“Wasn’t going to remove it.” I tried to take control of the conversation, but it seemed like he completely ignored what I said and kept rocking my hips back and forth with his eyes closed. My hands wandered on his chest and abs, sometimes scratching him and leaving red marks, sometimes just feeling his skin and muscles.

“Good girl.” He spoke through his teeth and I moaned as I breathed out when I heard the words which came out from his mouth. Was he naturally like this or did he read my mind?

“Toji, I-”

“Hop up before I cum in my underwear.” He cut me off right when I was about to tell him that I wanted to switch the position because I was getting closer, but I couldn’t finish like this and nor did I want to. His words made me gasp, smiling as he guided my hips toward his face. I took small steps with my knees until I reached the right spot, stepping over his shoulders as his hands were sliding under my inner thighs and landed on my lower back in the end.

He held on to the shirt from the back, so it wouldn’t fall on his face as I was riding his tongue. I was leaning against the wall with my hands, resting my forehead as well from time to time, watching him devour me with such an appetite. I wasn’t expecting any less from Toji, but I couldn’t believe I was here with him. I wondered how many women he did this with to get to this level of experience. He was global elite in pussy eating.

“Let it out, baby!” He spoke through saliva and breaths, slapping my butt cheek with a little more force, making me moan even louder form the pain in combination with the pleasure as he sucked and licked my clit with passion. It was definitely an extraordinary first time face-riding experience.

“Ooh, you’re good.” I moaned louder, tangling my fingers through his hair, but holding on to the wall better with the other hand. I wasn’t far from the finish line. Everything was so wet down there and I wondered if it bothered him, but I couldn’t ruin the mood with such a killer question. I pretended that he loved it, ‘cause I sure did. He started moaning a little bit under me, sign that he knew I was close.

”Fuck, yes, Toji!” I felt my legs shake when his moans got louder, and deeper, growling into my skin like an animal. I noticed that one of his hands was missing only after I exploded on his face and neck. I looked behind me, smiling and biting my lower lip when I saw his boxer briefs wet at the tip of his cock and his right hand on the length of it. He just came from eating me out. I was even more aroused than before.

“That’s your fault.” He said after I got off of him, well aware that I was looking at his groin area and salivating. I was ready to return the favor, but he didn’t need it. Yet.

“I’m enjoying every second of it.” I remained on my knees next to him, carefully sitting on my legs, trying no to let my juices ruin his fresh bedsheets, even though some drops made it to the pillow he was sitting on. I pressed my lips together, not knowing what to do. I waited for him to guide me to the bathroom.

”Mhm.” He looked at me a little bit tired, but definitely more relaxed than before. He got up, but didn’t get off of his bed but got a lot closer to me, stopping when his nose touched mine. What was he trying to do?

“You’re freaky. I like it.” He said after a few seconds, while looking into my eyes with curiosity. Was he searching for something in particular?

“You think my own liquids disgust me?” I asked more disgusted about the fact that he was underestimating me. What did he expect from me? What was he looking for?

“Can I keep you?” He asked before he got up and groaned at the sight of his cum-filled boxers. I followed him like a puppy.

“Same question here.” I kept the conversation alive, making him chuckle. The way he giggled made my heart skip a beat. His voice made me weak.

“I’ll talk to my son about it.” He opened the bathroom door and stood aside to let me enter first, coming right behind me.

“Are you serious?” I asked confused as I took a seat on the toilet, waiting for my pussy to calm down a little bit so that I could let the rest of the liquids out.

“Why would I fuck with your brain?” He asked just as confused as me, making me blush. Was he toying with me that hard?

He took off his dark blue underwear, wiping himself with baby wipes. He handed the whole pack over after he was finished and I was ready to get up. He was fully naked in front of me. I hardly resisted the urge to jump on him again.

“For fun.” I shrugged my shoulders, making him “pf” while he rolled his eyes. I couldn’t resist looking at his whole body while he was just standing in front of me, washing his face and neck.

“I’d rather fuck you everyday.” He said after he wiped off the water, making my face even more red than it was before. Did he want me to be his girlfriend? Was he ready to be a boyfriend again? Megumi told me different things. I knew what a heartbroken human was capable of and I had to be cautious, even though the sex with him was a dream come true.

“Fine by me.” I pressed myself against him, looking up at his eyes, but not for long because he felt the need to kiss me. This time, the kiss was a lot more passionate, slower, with his hand on my jawline and neck, while the other kept me close to him. My fingers traveled on his cheeks and neck as well, making everything more romantic and a little less lustful. Was he catching feelings? He had two years to do so, but he didn’t seem interested in a little girl(as he should!).

“You’re the father I never had and the lover I wish I’d have.” I let down all my walls in front of him, looking straight into his soul through those deep blue eyes as I spoke softly, making him blush a little bit. That was very cute. Was I going too far again?

“Don’t you think I’m too old for you?” He asked me nervously, never letting go of my waist or cheek. His thumb started wandering towards my lips again, lightly brushing them.

“Do I look like I care?” I answered with a question, but my tone answered both of them. I bit his finger lightly, making him push it deep into my mouth. I sucked on it, but he kept his serious expression.

“We need to keep it a secret until you’re 18.” He said while I pushed his finger out of my mouth with my tongue, licking it from the bottom to the top and then freeing myself from his warm, safe hug.

“I’m sure it’s worth it.” I talked calmly, wetting my hands and sprinkling Toji before I ran out of the bathroom. Don’t you dare break my heart, Toji! I yelled in the hallway while laughing and running toward the kitchen, stopping when I got to the cooking table. I adored his big house. It had mainly neutral tones, black with white, grey and washed out blue. It really looked like a man was living on his own, but he was really organized. His aesthetic was very manly and sparkling clean. I wanted this in my life.

“You really think I’m an asshole?” He asked me through a handsome smile, making me smile as well. This man brought nothing but good time in my life.

“No, but-”

“No. That’s the right answer. Good girl.” He cut me off confidently, trying to catch me, but we kept circling around the table like the cat with the mouse. We were laughing like 2 teenagers.

“What do you need help with?” I asked him while I was paying attention to his body language, dodging every attempt to fool and catch me.

“I was wondering which pictures we should put on Megumi’s cake.“ He gave up at that point, walking slowly toward me, but I wasn’t having it. I kept running around like I double-scooped pre-workout.

“That’s so cute! I got this.” I smiled even wider when I realized that he wanted my opinion on something that was so important for him. His son was, after all, as many parents would say: the light of his eyes.

“Come on, Mabel.” He spoke to me on an annoyed tone, kind of scolding me for acting like a 5 year-old. I rolled my eyes and went toward the fridge where he already was. “Sike! Got’cha!” He grabbed me from behind, lifting me in both of his arms and laughing as I screamed like a spoiled brat.

“Not faaair! You’re a traitor!” I yelled over his loud laughing, making him have even more fun. I tried to get out of his grip, punched his forearms and kicked my feet left and right, but I didn’t achieve anything. He was too strong for me to escape if he didn’t want me to. In essence, this situation was scary, but I knew he didn’t want to force me to do anything.

“Put me down already!” I screeched and he did what I demanded him to do, but he started tickling me and I almost screamed again, but he noticed my lack of breathing and he finally let me go.

“You’re funny.” He said very amused, making me roll my eyes and pout angrily while I crossed my arms. I tilted my head toward the fridge, signaling him to continue what we were supposed to be doing.

“Mhm.” I kept making small steps toward the fridge, making him shake his head and laugh slowly. His eyes checked me out fast before opening the door.

“Are you mad?” He asked while carefully grabbing the big plate, my eyes sparkling at the big blue cake that had little stickers with characters from shows that Megumi liked. “Now, won’t you talk to me?” He kept pressing me after a few seconds of silence, making me raise my eyebrows at him and nod.

“No.” I finally told him, making him giggle again. We both knew I wasn’t serious, but I wanted to see how he made up for it.

“I’ll unclog your vocal chords, but first we need to complete this masterpiece.” My jaw dropped when I heard his words. What did he want to do? Did he want to stuff his dick in my throat? Did I not hear him correctly?

“Haaa?” I asked him surprised and confused, making him grin as he put the cake on the table, grabbing my cheeks with his long fingers and bringing my face closer to his. I immediately caught his forearm with my hands, gripping it tightly and feeling the lean muscle.

“What’chu heard, princess.” He winked at me exactly how he did it at the gym earlier, making me gasp as he let my cheeks breathe, but slipped his thumb in my slightly open mouth, pushing it far inside. “Get that pretty mouth ready.” He added on a cocky tone, making my eyes widen and my cheeks catch on fire. He was so blunt and that made him even hotter.

“Mm” I nodded in approval with his finger still in my mouth, sucking on it as if it was the sweetest lollipop. I decided to tease him a little more, so I brought my head even more forward, taking his whole thumb and a little bit of his hand, sucking it sloppily. I let him take it out and I licked the tip for some extra teasing, all while making eye contact. He was ready for round two.

“You’re so ready.” He concluded out loud, but I kept my cool and I just shrugged my shoulders and rolled my eyes with arrogance. I was very aware of the effect I had on him, especially in moments like this one.

“But the cake isn’t.” I snapped him back in reality, but he just smiled with half of his mouth. He knew words were one of my many talents and he, apparently, liked it.

“Right.” He agreed a little bit amused and ran up to his room to probably bring something back down. I took a few moments for myself, admiring the kitchen. It wasn’t huge, but enough to cook comfortably and not having to worry about space. It was very clean. Toji and Megumi took really good care of this place. I was stunned.

“So I didn’t tape them to their sticks ‘cause I didn’t know which ones you like, so I waited for you to call me.” He explained like a little kid who was talking about a new game that he found interesting, making me smile a little bit. So this was why he wanted me to come so badly, not the nswf parts. I was in awe.

I didn’t speak, even though I wanted to tell him this was a very cute thing to do for his son. I found myself wondering: what present did Toji get for Megumi?

“Don’t play the mute card, young lady!” Toji scolded me like I was his daughter, which was exactly what I craved. In a weird way, this turned me on. I was rational most of the time, but my emotional traumas were way too deeply engraved on my heart and personality. I secretly enjoyed things I shouldn’t have.

I kept quiet, but I looked very carefully at every single picture that included me and put aside what I wanted on the cake. Toji handled the rest of the pictures.

“Are you really mad at me?” He asked a little worried and I just frowned, pouting playfully, trying to get him to understand that I was just waiting for him to do something to take me out of this game. “OK, beautiful. I’ll show you making up after we glue these things.”

“More like making out.” I muttered under my breath, making him look at me confused for a second, but he grinned when he realized what I actually said. I adored the fact that, when we were together, there was a lot of grinning and smiling in different ways. I could’ve flirted with him all night and the next day and we wouldn’t be tired of it. When did everything change so quickly?

“Keep getting on my nerves, princess.” He spoke softly as we were hot-gluing small sticks to the back of the pictures.

After we were done silently gluing everything together, he let me arrange everything. He trusted my artistic eye more than his own, but he still helped and came with suggestions. I had a feeling he would’ve done a better job than me, but it was fine. I felt useful.

“Now that we’re done with this…” he said as he put the cake back into the fridge, making my heart skip a beat, then beating faster and faster. I was still craving the raw sex I was imagining with him when I was at the gym. “It’s time to do something about that nasty mouth of yours, right?” He spoke with that raspy voice, sensual tone that made me weak in the knees. He was absurdly hot when he did that, especially in combination with the stinging eye contact and erection in his shorts, knowing that he didn’t have any underwear on.

“I don’t know.” I tried to shrug my shoulders nonchalantly, but I was sure that my real emotions were showing. Even my voice started to tremble a little bit. I liked playing the dumb little girl and something told me that he liked it too.

“I do. Come here.” He started being more and more demanding, taking full control of the situation. This time, he made me fell like I didn’t have a choice in a good way. There was no room for me to comment or disobey. I loved it. “You’re killing me.” He said between his teeth before grabbing my neck and kissing me aggressively. I gladly responded to the kiss, my hands immediately running through his thick soft hair as our tongues were dancing.

“Why would-”

“On your knees.” He cut me off once again, making me gasp surprised at how blunt he could sometimes be. I should’ve expected that.

I obeyed his words like I was programmed to do it, getting down on the cold floor and looking up at him as his hand was already gripping his hard dick through his pants. I tilted my head in pleasure, because that was the hottest view I ever had of him. I was probably drooling. He smiled at the sight of me on my knees for him, grabbing my face with his other hand and letting his thumb wander on my lips and chin.

“Can you take it, baby?” He asked with a low tone, his deep voice making me nod in approval instantly.

“Mhm” I added while I waited patiently for him to take off his shorts, but he didn’t look like he wanted to do that yet.

“You can’t suck it if you don’t open your mouth, y’know.” He grabbed the back of my head, gripping a little bit of hair as well, making me get closer to his cock, but not touching it yet.

“I thought I was smarter than that, Toji.” I pouted and locked eyes with him while my hands took control over the situation and pulled his pants down, revealing a monster. It looked very hard, stood up and looked at me like I was its savior.

“Holy shit!” I whispered right before Toji grabbed my cheeks and forced me to open my mouth wide, stuffing his cock in my mouth impatiently. I closed my eyes, put my hands on it and got to work. I sucked it a lot better than his thumb, but my hair started to bother me. “Hold my hair, please.” I quickly spoke as I took a short break to breathe and he caught the loose hair strands and brought them to the back of my head, but he gave up when he noticed that he didn’t have as much control over my head.

“I don’t want to ruin you hair.” He moaned and talked to me with the same level of horniness that I had, his hand pushing away my face and signaling me to get back up. “Such a good girl.” He kept praising me while I did as he told me or guided me to, arousing me even more. That was absolutely right, I was the best girl. This was one of the many reasons why I preferred Toji and not his son. Megumi could never.

“Oh, fuck, yes!” I moaned out loud as he wrapped my legs around his hips, laying me down on the cold, but clean table and rubbing his member against my wet pussy, making me smile. This was it? Was he even going to last for another 5 minutes? I took that as a compliment.

“Oh, no, baby! I’m not done with your pretty mouth.” He grabbed my neck and pushed it down, rubbing the head on me with his other hand, grinning and moaning while looking at me. We were both such a mess, but somehow it was perfect.

“Wha…” I started talking, but I dropped the sentence as he suddenly left the space between my legs, circled around the table, meanwhile his hand was still on my neck, holding me down. He stopped right behind me, grabbed my waist and pulled me until my head was hanging from the table. My cheeks caught on fire again.

“Have you done this before?” He asked curiously, his eyes sparkling a little bit, but I just muttered a little “no”. My eyes trailed from his beautiful face all the way down to his dick and balls. I was stunned.

“I’ll be gentle, don’t worry.” He assured me before rubbing his tip on my lips to let him in. I kissed and licked it, teasing him a little bit before opening my mouth and trying not to bite him from this position. “I’m not gonna last long.” He frowned and moaned after putting it in, making me moan in pleasure when I heard his words. He started slowly fucking my mouth, while I tried to distract myself from the slight discomfort of this position, pleasuring myself in front of him with my legs wide open.

“Take off my shirt.” He suddenly got out of my mouth, demanding and I immediately got up and obeyed. He was in complete control only because I let him. That thought was enough for me to be confident, arrogant even.

He took off the shirt for me, putting it on the table next to me, then I let myself fall on my back, Toji’s hand catching my head so that I wouldn’t hit it. This was the attention to detail that I had and wanted those around me to have. Toji was the only one who met the standard.

“I won’t cum in your mouth, princess.” He kept using his mesmerizing voice and bent over a little bit to reach my sensitive area, making circular motions on my clit while I was holding on to his hand and tried to get my teeth out of the way. I really didn’t want to bite his dick, but I started to feel dizzy.

“Aghmm!” I made some questionable sounds while pushing him away so his length could exit my mouth, getting up and feeling his hands lightly push me by my shoulders. He immediately knew that something was wrong and didn’t dare to force anything. “I feel funny.” I spoke a little panicked, feeling the blood that was piling up in my head go back down to the rest of my body.

”Fuck, uh, here!” He muttered unsure of what to do, but quickly snapped back to reality and gave me a glass of water. He positioned himself in front of me, pulling me by my legs until they wrapped around his hips again. I drank some water and kept the last sip in my mouth, well hidden and I gave him the empty glass. When he turned back around, I spat at him, aiming at his chest. It was just an innocent joke. I expected him to get annoyed or laugh and quickly shake it off, but he took it as a challenge.

“You keep provoking me, little girl.” He kind of warned me, but I had no idea for what. My pulse started rising when I remembered that his dick was hard between my legs and there was a high chance that he’d put it in.

“You know I like it.” I swallowed the rest of the water and got ready for the kiss that he was leaning in for, closing my eyes and waiting for his tongue to slide between my lips and his cock to finally get inside of me, but only one of them happened. I moaned loudly as his member made its way inside of me, hearing Toji spit very close to my face, then feeling his saliva in my mouth. He saw the opportunity and took it without any second thoughts. I was a little surprised, but I opened my eyes and swallowed, smiling right after while locking eyes with him. He just kept surprising me in all the good ways.

“You’re driving me insane.” He said between heavy breaths, moaning with me while holding my waist with both of his hands, thrusting himself in me forcefully. It hurt a little bit, but my mother didn’t raise a quitter.

“It - oh - goes both wa-aah-ys!” I tried to speak, but I was too overwhelmed to make myself clear from the first try. He seemed to understand what I tried to say. He grabbed my neck and pushed me down, lifting my legs on his shoulders and holding them tightly as he shoved his whole meat inside of me from a position that made my kitty make a lot of noise. He quickly realized that I needed some extra stimulation on my clit to finish, so he spread my legs enough for one of his hands to fit between them, massaging my sweet spot with his thumb until I screamed his name. I held on to his other hand that was still gripping my leg, digging my nails into him and making him groan louder. His voice was the only thing I needed, I came way too hard when I heard him

He pulled out right after I finished on him, wetting the table, maybe even the floor, but I didn’t care. He spread his juice all over my abdomen, letting me watch the sexiest scene unfold right in front of me, on me. My mouth remained a little bit open and I only noticed after he winked at me. He was looking at my face, already in my eyes when I made eye contact with him.

“Great warm-up.” He said after lightly slapping my leg, rubbing his dick on me a few more times before he got the napkins and started wiping me. Warm-up? My heart skipped a beat again.

“I’m hungry, big guy.” I talked to him softly, trying to find some cute pet names for him. I loved it when he called me princess and good girl.

“Me too, princess.” He agreed and finished wiping me, while I was just standing there, accepting the princess treatment. I wanted to keep this man. An angry Megumi was worth it.

“What’chu got?” I asked him happily, making him pout while thinking about what he had in the fridge.

“We gotta shower.” He said as he made his way to the fridge, grabbing a plate with some pizza slices on it, bringing it to me. “You want it warm?” He asked and I shook my head in disapproval, grabbing a slice and eating it greedily. His dick didn’t keep my stomach full.

“I’ll make something later, I’m too lazy right now.” He kept pressing on the same subject, but I just shrugged my shoulders.

“I hit my protein goal for today, I’ll be fine either way. Keep it for breakfast.” I reassured him calmly, very relaxed, high even. I never experienced such good sex in my life. We clicked like two pieces made for each other.

“Such a good girl.” He concluded for himself, making me blush. I never aimed to be the good or the bad girl, I was just me. Was he impressed by something I thought was normal?

“Am I, really?” I made a confused face while asking such an obvious question, making him slightly raise an eyebrow while he grabbed another slice of pizza.

“Yeah. The rest of Megumi’s girl friends are just basic. No discipline, no big goals, just crying about stomach aches and doing nothing about it.” He bit into the pizza, eating a big chunk while looking at me. His eyes were hypnotizing. I swallowed the piece that I chewed and thought about an answer to what he said.

“They made me feel like I was crazy at some point, but I got used to it. I hate basic people.” I spoke calmly, showing a little bit of disgust at the end of the second sentence. I really hated basic monkeys.

“Then why do you-”

“He encouraged me to keep it up when everyone didn’t.” I cut him off just like he did when he thought I was wrong, making him frown worried. He sighed, half proud of his son, but half distressed for him. I knew exactly why.

“He has feelings for you.” Toji read my mind with a worried look on his face. He looked like reality hit him, but I knew this feeling before his dick destroyed my insides and I somehow managed to ignore it. Megumi wasn’t even the last on my list of romantic interests.

“I know. You just made it sound like any man that-”

“No, Mabel. You know I didn’t mean that. You’re a pleasure to be around.” He cut me off for the tousandth time, making me roll my eyes. He tried to be nice, but my inner issues were screaming.

“Really? I thought I’m a brat, especially to people close to me.” We both took another bite from our slices and Toji put the plate back in the fridge. We weren’t full, but we regained some energy. The thought of another round made me blush.

“That’s just because they don’t know how to handle you.” He said after swallowing the last piece, making me frown. Of course he thought it was easy. I let him believe that all this time.

“I don’t let them handle me. What am I? A puppet?” I spoke offended, making him laugh out loud right in front of my face. He put his hand on my leg, gripping it a little bit.

“Sure.” He spoke with a cocky tone, making me exhale angrily. I looked at his hand and resisted the urge to bite my lip. I wanted them all over me again and again.

“Sure.” I imitated him while looking away, making him tighten his grip until it started to hurt. I adored the ways he reminded me who was stronger, in control.

“Did I hear something, sweetie?” He asked sarcastically, but amused, making me pout like a spoiled child.

“No?” I answered playfully, making him chuckle in the ‘you’ll see later’ way. I was afraid, but I couldn’t wait at the same time.

We ended the conversation with a glass of water each and kissing passionately again. He grabbed my waist with one hand and my cheek with the other, his body making its way between my legs again. We were sticky from our previous cardio session and our hands had pizza on them, so we didn’t dare touch each other’s hair or private parts.

“Got’cha!” He laughed after, in a split second, he stepped back and threw me over his shoulder as if I was way too light for him, making me scream scared and amused at the same time. I started laughing, not so sure about this position right after I ate pizza, but it didn’t last long. He dropped me when we got into the upstairs bathroom, holding onto my waist to make sure I wasn’t going to fall. He was such a gentleman, I loved it.

“Why are you still single?” I asked him out of nowhere, shifting the whole mood from playful to serious. In a split second, with some words that I didn’t choose carefully, I might’ve ruined everything. He pursed his lips, his smile fading while looking into my eyes. That was definitely a sad sight.

“I wanted to focus on him, but now I think I have everything I wished for. Without one thing.” He talked to me softly, seriously, making me even more curious about his way of seeing life. Was he ready for another woman? Was there any chance that he wanted me?

“It’s fine if you want to end the conversation here. I was trying to compliment you.” I cringed a little bit, reassuring him while I looked around for a hair tie. I knew I had a few hidden in the other bathroom, but I wasn’t sure about this one.

“It’s fine. What are you looking for?” He asked with a few drops of confusion in his voice. I kind of liked the sight of a confused Toji. I started wondering how hot he could be if he ever let me take over full control and he turned into a submissive man for one night.

“I need to tie my hair.” I smiled awkwardly and he immediately reached behind his after-shave and gave me one of my blue hair ties. I thanked him, asking myself how it got here. I knew for a fact that I didn’t put it there. Did he plan this whole thing?

“You planted little clues all over the house, especially where you knew I would see them.” He answered my questions without even hearing them, making my jaw drop a little bit. I was absolutely mesmerized by this man. “I’m not that stupid either. This is why Megumi thinks you like him back, but I knew the moment you broke up with that asshole that you wouldn’t be with someone your age ever again.” He continued unwrapping my thoughts as if they were Christmas gifts, making me smile and blush very hard. I couldn’t believe he actually caught on my cheesy clues and behavior.

“My hope in men was dead until tonight.” I said happily, trying to compliment him again, but he took it the wrong way 90% of the time. We spoke the same language, so I doubted he didn’t understand what I was trying to say.

His hands landed on my boobs out of nowhere, while I was tying my hair in a high messy bun, massaging my chest slowly, with little to no force and making me smile while I was biting my lip. I loved his soft touch and his rough hits and bites, all in one, perfectly balanced.

“I hope it’s still dead. I know you trust me and that’s more than enough.” His hands trailed down to my waist, pulling me closer while he spoke to me with a little hint of horniness in his voice, signaling that round 3 was about to start in the shower and I was ready for it.

“My ex and Megumi are going to hunt me down and kill me.” I said with an amused tone, but Toji took it more seriously than I expected. He got more tense, aggressive even, pressing us together and kissing me with passion. We were burning again together.

“Over my dead body.” He stopped for a second to angrily say this, grabbing my butt with both of his hands and making me moan in his mouth. The natural possessiveness that this man had in himself, especially(hopefully, only) when he was with me was the ultimate turn on for me. The way he was so sure about keeping me safe, no matter what happened, had my daddy issues screaming in pleasure.

“You’re such a DILF.” I smiled on his lips, making him laugh a little and lick one corner of my mouth, tingling me. I was in heaven.

“Perfect for you, princess.” His spoke in my cheek, making me melt more in his arms. His hands reached my waist, slowly going up on my back while he guided me toward the shower area. It wasn’t a cabin, but an open space in the bathroom with a showerhead and a fancy hole in the floor. The design was flawless.

He made us switch places so that the water hit his shoulders first, gasping when a few drops of cold water hit my face and chest. He didn’t react. It was like he was made of steel.

I placed my hands on his chest, watching the water run down his chest in the white light, feeling his relaxed muscles with my fingers. I licked and bit his skin, making him tighten his grip on my shoulders and waist. He was hiding me with his tall, thick figure. I felt so safe with him. I wanted to scream with happiness and relief. I could finally let my guard down without getting burned.

I wrapped my hands around him, pressing my chin onto his chest while I closed my eyes and enjoyed the intimate moment. The water was starting to feel warmer and Toji slowly made us switch places again, letting me melt in his arms from the front and in the warm water from the back. He pressed his cheek on my forehead, planting a little sweet kiss there as well. It made me smile and blush, rubbing my cheek on him in a cute way in response. When did our situation become more than sexual attraction? Was I blind?

Suddenly, I felt his member wake up and signal his presence, making me smirk. I dug my nails into his back, scratching pretty hard and making him growl. He slapped my butt cheek hard as well, making me almost yell in pain, but we both liked it. We were both pain lovers. Just a little bit.

“You ruined the moment, naughty girl.” He talked through his teeth, but I felt his smirk in the tone he used. He actually liked it.

“You poked me first!” I fought back with a high-pitched tone, biting his chest again and making him laugh. That laugh turned me on again.

He grabbed the bottle of shower gel, squeezed a generous amount in his left hand and rubbed his hands together.

“Can I?” He showed me his palms full of bubbles that smelled fresh, a masculine scent stinging my nostrils. I nodded and raised my hands, letting him touch my entire body with absolutely 0 shame. He enjoyed every second of it as much as I did. His hands massaged my whole body, excluding the downstairs private parts, making me close my eyes and feel his gentle touch. From my arms, down to my chest and back, my butt and legs, all the way back up to my neck. I opened my eyes when he came back up, pushing me under the water to rinse and kissing me passionately. Was this man even real?

“You missed a spot.” I said between kisses, making him bite my lower lip.

“I got a special gel for that.” He answered my concern seriously, making me giggle. Did he want to baby-trap me?

“Second day pills are hell on earth.” I immediately defended myself, making him frown and then laugh when he caught on what I said. Was he not taking me seriously?

“I was talking about that one, sweetheart.” He grabbed my cheeks and turned my head to look at the bottle of gel for the intimate parts. He wasn’t talking about sperm. OK.

“Oh.” I sighed in relief, wrapping my fingers around his wrist and waiting for him to let go of my face, but he didn’t. He pulled me in another sloppy kiss, making me moan. I couldn’t help myself around him.

“No creampies for you, anyway. You’re on a cut, remember?” He cracked a joke, making me raise my eyebrows while I laughed. I was glad he was rational, even when he seemed like he lost control. Was I even able to make him lose control?

“My turn.” I grabbed the bottle and squeezed less than he did, but as much as I could fit in one hand, starting with his chest and shoulders, going down and back up on his arms, his torso and abs. He flexed them when I tried to scratch lightly, making me pout while he just smirked.

“Predictable.” He said with arrogance while I just continued massaging his body, signaling him to turn around and let me wash his huge back. Even his ass was bigger and rounder than mine. I was jealous and impressed. Very hot.

“Nice ass, tough guy.” I commented and slapped it right after, making him huff amused. I continued with the rest of his body, excluding the parts that needed the special gel. I had to get down on my knees and massage each leg separately. He was too big for me to handle him like he did with me. When I sat down, his dick was already looking at me. I couldn’t help but kiss it, licking the tip as I watched his reaction. He tensed his jaw, his eyes darkening at the sight of me looking up at him as my lips touched his member. I kept massaging one of his legs as I opened my mouth and took it in. His right hand instantly grabbed my jaw and pushed my head back, even though he looked like he wanted me to suck the life out of him.

“Not here.” He groaned slowly, pulling me by my face and forcing me to get up, sticking his tongue deep in my mouth. I squeezed my legs together, the familiar feeling of hot puffiness returning down there. I just wanted him to pick me up and fuck me hard.

“Why?” I was genuinely curious why he didn’t want to start round 3 in the shower. Did he have some kind of phobia or trauma?

“It was a long day. We got time to do it anywhere you want, but today I want you in my bed.” He sighed and answered calmly, but I noticed the little hint of fatigue in his voice. Was this my chance to take over control? Was he going to let me? Did I really want to?

“Sounds so good.” I pushed him under the water to rinse off the shower gel. He grabbed the bottle of special gel before I could reach it first, putting it on a very high shelf after he squeezed the desired amount in his hand, making me frown and pout.

“I’ll give it to you before we get out of here. I might finish in your hand and we don’t want that.” He extra-reassured me while I was looking at his hands trying to reach my private parts: one from the front and one from the back.

“Still talking about that?” I pointed at the bottle he didn’t want me to have, making him smirk. I was falling in love with our dynamic more and more.

“You little nasty girl.” He smiled on my neck, biting and grabbing my legs, lifting me into his arms and trying to kiss me, but I turned my head and he just licked my cheek.

“Little? Have you seen my back?” I spoke offended next to his ear, feeling his right side stretch upward, but I thought nothing of it.

“Excuse me!” He said while his hands were doing something behind my back. I tried to turn around, but he didn’t let me. I fought back until he dropped me. His length was full of bubbles.

“Oh, you’re not excused.” I said with a hint of anger in my voice, looking back at his face and noticing a guilty smile. He finished washing himself and stopped the water, placing his big hand on my lower back while our eyes were locked. I couldn’t get enough of his eyes.

“Mhm, we’ll see about that.” He moved in a cocky manner, putting a big towel around me and playfully pressed my bun like it was a button. I started fuming. He wiped his whole body with another towel and stepped aside with clean dry skin. He was almost as pale as me, with blue-black hair and a cheeky personality. The perfect match, if you asked me.

He waited patiently for me to wipe myself, biting his lip as his eyes wandered on my body and his right hand was stroking his dick, making my mouth open in slight surprise. The image in front of me belonged in the most luxurious porn films. I had to memorize this very well for the times when I wasn’t with him. For when I couldn’t fall asleep. He knew he was hot and that made the whole situation 10 times sexier.

“I’m not going to hurry if you do that, Toji.” I tried to tease him back as I wiped my breasts slowly, then I put the towel between my legs and gently wiped her, all while looking into his eyes. He didn’t dare to break the eye contact, but he slowed down the stroking motion. I took some satisfaction out of that. Did he just let me take control over the situation?

“And now what are you waiting for?” I asked him after I hanged the towel, gesturing with my hands for the dramatic effect. He caught on immediately, giving me the ‘are you sure?’ look with a hint of spice in it. I was very sure. I nodded as he grabbed my waist with one hand and lifted me up, wrapping myself around him like we weren’t all over each other a few moments ago. His other hand reached between my legs from behind and started rubbing my sensitive area, making me breathe heavily already as he was taking us to his room.

He practically jumped with both of us on his bed, moaning together as he immediately put his member inside of me. I didn’t expect him to be so animalistic this time, but he somehow gathered his energy to fuck me harder this time.

“I thought y-oh-u were tired.” I tried to talk between moans and slaps, making him smile arrogantly. He was just toying with me.

“I am.” He reassured me while grabbing my legs and throwing me on my side after he thrusted in me one last time and got out. “Turn around, baby.” He demanded and I immediately obeyed, but I didn’t know if he wanted me to lift my butt or not. “Higher.” He said after he positioned himself on top of me, grabbing my hips and pulling them. “Don’t make me repeat myself, angel.” He kept pulling my hips while I bit my lip at the last word that came out of his mouth. I arched my back even more and pushed myself with my hands. He put his thumb in my hole, but I barely felt it compared to his dick.

“Please, Toji!” I begged after a few more seconds of silence, tension building up as I couldn’t wait anymore. He started rubbing his head on my pussy, teasing me way too much.

“Am I excused?” He aggressively grabbed the back of my neck, pushing my head into the soft bed while teasing my hole with the tip. If I said yes, it would’ve been a win win situation, but I wasn’t that weak.

“Fuck!” I screeched very annoyed, making him laugh evilly. I couldn’t say yes or no. I wanted him to choose for me so that I had who to put the blame on.

“Answer, Mabel!” His tone got even more aggressive, gripping my neck tighter while rubbing his whole length on my dripping kitty. I didn’t hold back any moan just to make him fold, but he wasn’t that weak either. The night just got 10 times more interesting.

“Just put it in!” I kept pressing him, but he just slapped my ass and let out a little unsatisfied “mm”.

“I won’t let you cum.” He said with a serious tone, making me laugh out loud. How was he going to stop me? I was too turned on for that to not happen.

“You can’t fo-”

“Yeah, keep underestimating me, princess.” He cut me off like usually, bending over and grabbing something from the bottom drawer. He lifted me up and turned me around, throwing me closer to the edge of the bed. He grabbed my hands and, in a split second, he handcuffed me to his bed. My jaw dropped and I gasped surprised, but he was just proudly smirking.

“You’re going to regret it.” He warned me one last time before he got to work, starting with his hands and mouth. He went down on me, but it was almost nothing like the first time. He was impatient and animalistic, but still so good. He put two fingers inside of me when he noticed that I was starting to shake, stopping right before I was about to reach the end.

“Is this all you got?” I asked with a shaky voice, trying to squeeze my legs together, but he didn’t let me. He suddenly transformed into someone purely evil. I loved villains.

“You’re getting on my nerves again. You know what that means?”

“I’m about to f-ah-ind out.” I tried to keep my cool, but he put my legs on his shoulders again and entered brutally in me, but he still didn’t let me squeeze my legs together. I didn’t try to free my hands because I knew it was in vain, but I was still pulling on the handcuffs. I thought I couldn’t take it anymore, but, somehow, I did.

“Say it, baby!” He demanded once again, making me laugh while moaning and trying to close my legs. His grip was as tight as his tensed jaw. He was on the edge as much as I was.

“Fuck me harder, handsome!” I completely ignored his words, looking at him with pure horniness in my eyes. He looked away, kissing my calf and slapping my butt cheek.

“Goddamit, Mabel!” He muttered angrily, making me laugh even more. I was having the time of my life.

“Let me suck tha-” I tried to annoy him more, but he had enough of this. Toji grabbed my neck and got close to my face.

“You’re not the one in control here.” He said with that deep, raspy voice that I absolutely loved, making me bite my lip in ecstasy.

“Who says that?” I almost whispered, making him smirk widely. I was officially in trouble.

“I do.” He answered simply, getting back up and flipping me around, spreading my legs and eating me out from behind. After a short while, I started to moan loudly and my legs were shaking. He stopped and no later than one second I felt his length slide inside of me. He was growling, which meant that he wasn’t too far either. Still, he didn’t let me close my legs.

“Toji, please!” I yelled in his pillow, biting it as I was taking his huge cock, demolishing my insides with his hardness. He was very close too. I could feel it.

“No fucking way!” He got out and flipped me on my back, handling me with force and anger, but still making sure I was OK. How did de know I liked it this rough?

“What are you doing?” I asked him when he got up from the bed, walking over to the same drawer and searching for something in it. He ripped open a condom’s package, sliding it quickly on his member as he positioned himself between my legs.

“There’s no way I’ll control myself through this one.” He said almost defeated, biting his lip as he got back inside, looking at me, proud of the mess that I became. “Are you OK, princess?” He asked me while thrusting slowly and I just nodded while breathing heavily, little moans escaping here and there.

“Big guy?” I asked sheepishly, playing the innocent card again. I knew he couldn’t resist the innocent Mabel. He threw me a curious look.

“Mhm?” He groaned as the thrusts got faster and harder, making me pull the handcuffs and try to squeeze my legs again. I waited for the pace to be close to maximum and for the tension to build up again before saying the magic words: “You’re excused.”

That was all he needed. His mouth spread in a naughty smile, holding my legs with one hand while the other started rubbing my clit, making me frown and open my mouth.

“Cum on me, Mabel!” He said out of breath as we both moaned and finished at the same time. I couldn’t believe where life brought me. The sex was so good that I started catching feelings, way stronger than before.

After we caught our breaths, we smiled to each other as he removed himself from between my legs, taking the condom off on his way to the bathroom. I carefully got up and started walking toward the bathroom, but I bumped into the most handsome man in the hallway. He offered me the pack of wet wipes.

“Thank you, beautiful, but I need to pee.” I said happily and he just nodded and stood aside so that I had enough space to pass. He slapped my ass and followed me.

We cuddled in bed after cleaning ourselves, laughing and kissing gently like we were the happiest newly weds on our honeymoon.

“We’ll figure everything out tomorrow. Let’s just sleep.” I talked to him softly, brushing his cheek with my fingers while he was holding me tightly wrapped in his arms. We shifted so his head rested on my bare chest, falling asleep only in our underwear, in his cocoon. I wanted to move in with him the next day, but our relationship was impossible at least until I turned 18. What were we?

[kazumiwrites-fanfiction]

I'm Just a Recluse

REQUEST: Hi I saw that your requests were open so I decided to give this a go by the way I absolutely suck at doing requests but I seen almost nothing on this 'prompt' Yandere!idia shroud x reader who has a massive crush on him but thinks he doesn't feel the same way. This idea has been rotting in my mind for the longest time. (ps: I really hope that this was clear enough 😭😭😭 again I'm sorry I really suck at writing requests)

SUMMARY: Does he have feelings for you? WORD COUNT: 1.7k

WARNINGS: Maybe manipulative reader, yandere-ish Idia, Idia being possessive and jealous mostly, Azul just wants blackmail, most likely OOC, Idia getting flustered, written in less than 30 minutes so I can't guarantee the quality but this is how I write- A/N: Anon I love that you requested because I was unable to sleep, but at the same time it's nearing 3 AM as I write this authors note help 😭 (dw you're amazing and your request was perfect, I really suck at writing stuff that was requested so it's like we're two sides of a coin (if that doesn't make sense i'm sorry)) Anyways I'm like 90% sure I botched this because I don't think I know Idia that well (I am going off what I know of him so far, so there may be inconsistencies with canon and whatnot) and it ended up being less yandere?? Idk mostly because I was like "yes I'm writing a yandere but I got an idea that's not 100% yandere" (as one does) and then it went down a whole 'nother rabbit hole- so I'm so sorry if this is not what you were looking for (also the fact that I'm writing this late at night does not help either) Reading your request over I'm mostly sure that what you were looking for was something similar to "soft reader x yandere!Idia" and not whatever the thing I wrote is- but I wrote it so I might as well publish it- Also the fact that I added Azul and Floyd because I love them and my late night brain said "might as well" is uh- yeah- A/N: Also I'm really sorry Idia I suck at titles </3

© kazumiwrites - All rights reserved; please do not steal, edit, copy, repost (etc) my work without my express permission.

You always liked Idia. You weren’t really sure why, since you never really saw him much… He seemed to be always in his room, playing games. Mostly, you saw him while passing by the room that the board game club occupied. Other than the occasional passing by as you walked through the halls, that was the only thing.

Well, there was really nothing to go by, to explain your crush. You tried to dismiss it as just liking his aesthetics, or something like that - you didn’t know him well, after all. Or, rather, at all. And there was no way that he even knew about you.

Well, it was a good thought. Still, you joined the board game club, if only to up your chances of Idia noticing you.

The housewarden of Ignihyde had not registered you much at first. You were the person possibly isekai’d into this world (like a character from an anime), but other than that, you seemed like another regular person.

Or so he thought.

Once you had joined his club, things changed drastically.

You had been doing everything you could to try to spend some time with Idia, playing the same games as him and trying to talk to him.

The poor boy got flustered and he couldn’t do much. Here was a real person who seemed nice, talking to an otaku like him. It was unheard of.

Still, a game was enough to make him relax a bit, enough to have a semi-decent conversation.

He gradually found himself getting more and more interested in you. At first, he had asked Ortho for anything on you, but then he started to try more to connect with you. However, they were subtle.

Sometimes, a note placed in your desk, other times a flower in your room. Small, simple things, never signed, and without a trace of anyone.

Of course, he had Ortho do it - he didn’t want to get caught, that would make him want to die - but he still wished he could see your reactions.

Maybe you were happy, intrigued. But then again, perhaps you would be disgusted when you realized who had been the one sending those gifts. Perhaps you hated otakus. Weren’t they the people least likely to get into a relationship?

Still, he shook off those thoughts. He had to make sure you at least didn’t get grossed out and quit his club. That would make him so distressed that he wouldn’t come out of his room for at least ten years. He liked seeing your face, and didn’t want that light of happiness gone.

He should’ve known this was coming, though.

Unbeknownst to Idia, however, you had struck a deal with Azul. "Help me get Idia to fall in love with me by whatever means necessary," were your exact words. And Azul knew he could most likely blackmail both you and Idia later, however this turned out. So, being the benevolent person he was, he accepted. (And also? It would be interesting to see how this turned out in general, even without being able to get blackmail). As a show of trust, he didn't even force you to sign a contract with him. How truly benevolent he was.

So here you were, sitting a bit too close to Azul, leaning in slightly to him to discuss a game when you heard the door open. Your eyes flickered up slightly, meeting Idia's carefully composed gaze. "Hi, Idia-san."

Oh, how he longed to snatch you away from Azul… But no, he couldn't do that. Obviously Azul was better for you anyway… He was smart, and he could talk to people. And he had money. Obviously you'd like that more than a recluse.

But still… How he wanted you to drop the formal titles and call him just by name… Just like in all the romance anime he watched. "Oh, drop the -san and call me by name!" That's what he could've said, what he wanted to say - but he couldn't. What if you were grossed out?

He moved to the other side of the room, getting out one of the games and starting to set it up. His eyes flickered up as he met your gaze (and unwillingly, Azul's). He didn't miss how your hands were intertwined. Why were normal couples like this…

You tilted your head slightly to the side as you asked about playing the game with him. Idia was startled at first, but reluctantly agreed. He was irritated that Azul was here - didn't he hate luck-based games? Or was he so in love that he would do anything just to stay by your side? Oh, how it made him sick.

After a few rounds, he was done. He was tired of it all. The last straw was when he saw Azul wrap an arm around your shoulders.

Your eyes widened as Idia got up quickly, hitting the table in the process, the pieces scattering to the floor. He didn't seem to notice as he stepped toward you, pulling you from Azul's grasp.

Azul had been holding on lightly, barely even touching you, so there was no resistance. He just watched you and Idia quietly, thoughtfully, all the gears spinning in his head.

"You're not hanging out with a guy like him," Idia muttered quietly. "You're staying with me." He moved his grip to hold your wrist, tugging you out of the club room.

You followed without resisting. What else would you even do? Try to fight him? Of course not. Not when you were so close to getting what you wanted.

He cornered you in a deserted hallway, staring at you. You waited for a moment before tentatively speaking. "Idia…?"

Idia stayed quiet, the tips of his hair just gradually growing into a vibrant shade of pink. Finally, he got out, "…I shouldn't have done that…"

"Shouldn't have done what?" Your eyes were wide, so cute… But he shook the thought off.

"Shouldn't have dragged you away. Obviously you want a guy like him for a boyfriend and not me."

You paused. Your plan… Had it worked? Was he jealous? "Hey- I don't like Azul. Not in a romantic way anyway. The person I like is the person I'm talking to right now."

Idia froze. He had to be dreaming. This had to be some elaborate VR set that showed him what he wanted most in the world. Perhaps… It was so cheesy too. Like some scene from a romance anime. He met your gaze.

But still…

"Me? You have to be joking. I mean, who would like me? I'm just a recluse who stays in his room all day playing games-"

"But you're more than that," you cut him off, before smiling a little apologetically. "You're sweet, and kind, and I love the way your eyes light up when you're talking about your favorite anime or game."

Shit. No one had said that to him before. "W-well. I-" He cut himself off. He couldn't say it. He couldn't say something so embarrassing. Yeah, he had dragged you away from Azul in the heat of the moment, but that was because he wasn't thinking. He let the jealousy, the possessiveness, guide his actions.

And now he was paying for it.

"I-"

"C'mon, Idia-san, get it out." Your voice was so gentle, so soothing.

"I like you and I really wanted to get to know you better but I wasn't sure if you liked me so I sent all sorts of weird creepy stuff like notes and I bet you're disappointed because it was just me and not, y'know, some cool ikemen."

His words were so fast it was almost a blur. Before you could even process his words, he took a deep breath and continued.

"And I really want you to stop calling me -san and just by my name but I don't want to ask that of you because I'm just some random creep who is obsessed with you and wants to keep you to himself and-"

"Stop stop stop." You laughed a little. "Hey, I'm not disappointed that you were the one sending me the gifts - they were sweet. I was worried that Rook-san might have been the ones sending them, but I'm glad to get the confirmation that you were the one."

Why would you think it had been Rook? Perhaps you had a crush-

"And, you only needed to ask if you wanted me to drop the -san, Idia." You smiled sweetly at him.

Well, at least you hadn't caught the 'obsessed' and 'creep' part? That was embarrassing of him to say.

Idia looked more and more flustered before he just stepped closer to you, awkwardly wrapping his arms around you in an embrace. His face nuzzled in to the crook of your neck, heart beating too fast and his palms sweaty. Was this okay? Would you like it - perhaps he should've cleaned up a bit more-

Your arms wrapped around him, and he immediately relaxed. What he wouldn't do to have you hold him like that for the whole night - whole week, even.

Unfortunately, at that moment, Floyd had to come skipping through the halls. "Koebi-chan and Hotaruika-senpai? What're you doing here - Is Azul done with his boring club?"

Idia let out a soft huff, glaring at Floyd even as he held on to you. "One, the board game club is /not/ a boring club, and two, I'm hugging [Y/N]."

How bold of him to say.

"Ooh, can I hug Koebi-chan too? I bet I can squeeze them so tight~"

Idia somehow held you tighter, turning you away from Floyd. "No. Now go run off and find Azul or something." How he had managed to hold a full conversation with Floyd, he wasn't sure. At least he seemed bored enough to run off… He sighed softly. He'd have to spend more time with you in his dorm. He was still holding you tightly as he walked to his dorm.

~bonus~ Azul was just around the corner and listening in to your conversation, phone recording everything that had happened. He sighed as Floyd had come in - of course he had to ruin it. Still, he had gotten some good stuff. "Hmm? Azul, you're here… Spying on Koebi-chan and Hotaruika-senpai?" Floyd's head tilted slightly to the side. "Don't say something as crass as spying. I was merely gaining intelligence." "So, spying." "Gaining intelligence, Floyd." Azul let out a soft sigh. "That you got in the way of." "I did nothing." "Yes you did."

As always, reblogs and comments are always appreciated! ♡ Send your thoughts grr

Feel free to send requests! Check out this post for info ^^

[jujumin-translates]

Event | Act 3.5 Event - NEW ERA GARDEN | Chapter 4

*Contains spoilers for Act 12 - eternal moment*

Kasumi: “Toshi-san, I heard a strange rumor from your sister.”

Kasumi: …Getting this intonation right is hard. Need more emphasis here…

Kasumi: “Kondou-san, I’ll defend here! I won’t let anyone escape!”

Kaede: Papa, are you playing a woman?

Tsubaki: Or a man?

Sakura: Which is it~?

Kasumi: Uuh… actually…

· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·

Kasumi: …Y-Yukio-san, this… is a mistake, right…?

Yukio: It’s not a mistake.

Kasumi: EEH!? B-But why am I the only one that’s double-casted…?

Yukio: Because I wanted to see you both as Kimigiku and Toudou Heisuke.

Yukio: You just played Shizuka Gozen in “Traces of a Dreams,” so it’d be boring if you were only the beautiful Kimigiku this time around, wouldn’t it?

Yukio: And we needed more people for the Ikedaya scene anyway.

Kasumi: Nonononono! I would be fine if it was just the female role, but it’s been so long there’s no way I can do the Ikedaya sword fight…!

Kasumi: It’s like sending the neighborhood kid to get into a fight with a yakuza boss!

Yukio: It’ll be okay. Yuzo said he’d help you.

Yuzo: …Yeah. Leave it to me. I’ve done this whole Shinsengumi thing before.

Kasumi: !!!

· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·

Kasumi: (…Yuzo looked like a total bully then.)

Kasumi: This time, Papa has two roles, so it’s going to be a lot of work.

Kaede: Then you’re gonna have to practice a lot. We always practice dancing a lot at daycare.

Tsubaki: You gotta do it everyday. That’s how you get really good at it.

Sakura: You can do it if you just keep practicing a lot.

Kaede: We’ll go over there and play so we don’t get in your way.

Tsubaki: Yeah!

Sakuya: Good luck, Papa~.

Kasumi: T-Thank you…

Kasumi: …Phew.

*Page turns*

Kasumi: …

Kasumi: (It’s been a while since I played the female role of Shizuka Gozen, but I had so many people compliment me for it that I’m looking forward to playing Kimigiku.)

Kasumi: (The problem is Toudou Heisuke… I guess just practicing… is a good place to start.)

Kasumi: (That reminds me of the disaster that my first time sword fighting on stage was…)

· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·

“…Haah, haah, I’m sorry…”

After I fell to my knees, I struggled to get back up.

My body ached all over and felt as heavy as lead.

It’s like gravity had changed only in the area surrounding me.

“…Ain’t much to be said if the leader is like this. Shouldn’t we find someone else for the role?”

Syu-san’s words were as blunt as usual, but in that moment, they cut deeper than ever.

I felt so pathetic and sorry for myself that I couldn’t even face him.

It was the first time I was assigned a role that involved sword fighting, but no matter how hard I practiced, I couldn’t remember any of the moves.

Even when I tried to follow the movements slowly, it would just end up looking like a Bon Festival dance or something, nothing like a sword fight.

It was no wonder why Syu-san, who was trying to teach me, was so disappointed in me.

“Well, how about we just call it here for the sword fighting practice today, okay?”

I bowed my head slightly as I heard Yukio-san’s kind voice call out.

I was completely devastated by my own inadequacy.

“…”

Yuzo looked at me as if he wanted to say something, but felt like I couldn’t take even the softest of words now, so I just left practice as if to just run away from the situation.

· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·

“…I have to get some things down today.”

The next morning, I headed to the practice room early, determined as ever.

“You’re here pretty early.”

“Eh, Yuzo? Why are you…?”

Suddenly appearing before me, Yuzo throws a wooden sword at me.

As I hurried to catch it, Yuzo spoke again.

“Grip it.”

Without knowing why, I grasped the wooden sword just as Syu-san taught me.

“Try and follow my movements.”

“But your role is…”

“I’ll keep your movements in mind, Kasumi. I’ll do it at a speed that you can keep up with.”

“--T-Thank you.”

It was only after repeating the process over and over again and gradually increasing the speed that--.

“Yay! I did it!”

I was finally able to keep up with the speed of the rest of the group.

The joy of being able to do what I had been unable to do for so long welled up deep inside me.

“This is just the beginning, Make sure you tell Syu-san that this role is yours.”

“…Yeah!”

Yuzo has always been harsh to me, but when I’m in trouble, he comes and helps me so casually like this.

He’s a really reliable childhood friend.

I’ll definitely make this role my own in order to repay the debt of gratitude for all of the help he gave me.

I had made up my mind and got back into the swing of things.

· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·

Kasumi: (Back then, there was a feeling I had that I had to do well as the Spring Troupe leader.)

Kasumi: (…I wonder if Sakuya-kun had any difficulties with his first time sword fighting.)

Kasumi: Wait, won’t Sakuya-kun definitely come to see this play…!?

Kasumi: (I can’t possibly let Sakuya-kun see an uncool sword fight. He adores me as the first-gen Spring Troupe leader…)

Kasumi: Sigh…

Kasumi: (I have no other choice but to accept my fate and let Yuzo push me around a bit…)

Kasumi: (But still… in this story, Kimigiku supports the Shinsengumi from the shadows and Toudou Heisuke leaves the Shinsengumi later on…)

Kasumi: (And I want to support MANKAI from the shadows in my own way, and I couldn’t help but overlap with them even after I left the company.)

Kasumi: …I always knew Yukio-san was still amazing.

Kasumi: (He’s truly like a wizard.)

[ ⇠ Previous Part ] • [ Next Part ⇢ ]

[kihakugato-art]

The Harriet Pinup Art Project

Session 1- 3Dification & Sketchification

I initially got a little stressed when using the 3D posing in CSP so to give myself a breather I did some traditional art sketches of Harriet! I played around with a few expressions as well as experimented with her having a ponytail (another hat tip towards Mordred Fate, plus I think Harriet just looks good in a ponytail!) which I think I’ll have for her for the planned bigger art piece.

But to answer question from session 0- “how well can I mess with the 3D model to the pose(s) I need”? Doable, but a lil rough; It’s very easy to misclick during the process and mess things up.

[WEEEEEE- those are some broken-ass limbs there!]

It’s also a bit of a learning curve to try to remember which controls affect the 3D model in certain ways. Not to mention controlling/posing the limbs to how you wish can be quite fickle depending on the limb;

Say you want to turn the leg calf horizontally cause its turned a lil weird, it will only let you move it up-down from the calf direction controls, so you’ll need to control the thigh as well as the foot/ankle, which can be a bit unintuitive.

The fact you can save poses (both for fullbody and just hands) was quite handy though to ensure I could reuse or fall back onto a pose or reuse a pose if I needed to.

In the end I tried two different sitting variants; one with one of the legs up, and another where both legs are hanging down. While the latter could give a powerful image if used by a clever enough artist, I couldn’t really nail it, so in the end I chose the former.

["It looks identical"- it's because the changes are pretty subtle without overlaying the two versions over each other. There's a difference between them I assure you!]

Not sure if the Manga toggle is quite the best choice for this piece either since the change isn’t hugely dramatic for this specific piece (it’d probably be better for a piece that’s more action-packed), but I chose it anyways. Now let’s get to sketching!

Not Bad, but it felt off. Some of it is because at the end of the day I did just trace/follow over the 3D image which feels a little unsettling for me in this context- but I gotta remember I posed/positioned the 3D model myself It's not from default poses available in the CSP library. I may redraw over the sketch later without the 3D model to try to maybe try to break any stiffness that may have bled through from tracing which could contribute tot he oddness. Even with that though, something still felt off.

“Where do the wings connect to the back?” was the question one friend gave to me once I showed this WIP with my concerns. She was right; the wings were placed too high, they look like they are directly to the shoulders, which just feels *wrong*.

A little fiddling and the wings were shifted so that they are implied be connecting *below* the shoulder blades. Much better. Now to the setting/background!

[Image source 1, Image source 2]

Among my background inspo folder the retaining coastal wall seemed the most doable. Not to mention my brain was craving it a little bit from back when I got to visit near one of the Great Lakes this year.

Not bad! If I kept the background relatively simple/plain and did contrast between Harriet and the wall it could look pretty good. However- as my one friend pointed out- the pitch for this project I more or less said/implied she’d be on her ship. Which I unfortunately I have to agree.

I’m not super keen on figuring out the deck layout for Harriet’s ship though, since I’m far from done designing her ship. It’d also be different if I had a 3D asset of a schooner ship, but with the work it took to get the posed 3D model in place as well as the fact I’d likely have to pay for such a 3D asset, that route ain’t happening, that ship has sailed (lol punny).

Maybe we can avoid those details by having her sit high up on one of the masts? People go up on masts right??? Alright then- Time to update the inspo/reference folder for backgrounds/settings!

[Image source 1, image source 2- uhhh hoping the licenses for some of these ref images doesn't apply here for the first image or I'm gonna have to remove these images from here- which fair enough, my bad to only realize this now]

The first ref I depended on for a little bit- but then for whatever reason my brain began to REALLY struggle. The beams were easy to set up with the ref but nothing else. I think the image ref just had too much going on in such ways that I couldn’t make a “shape” out of it in my brain, I can’t even tell what some of the parts are on the mast! So after a lotta artist malding I decided to grab the second ref to make things simpler and more clear to visually understand.

[There were far more breaks when drawing this background/setting than I'd like to admit]

And boom! Although I like the retaining wall version, I think the mast is definitely the way to go for the final piece. Some of the rope placement was vaguely bullshitted but it’ll suffice. The cooked fish on a skewer in Harriet’s hand kind of blends in a bit through the background mess though, so I’ll probably resize the fish to be MUCH bigger to make it pop out a little better.

From here I’ll be turning the sketch lines all into one colour (I did different colours to help my brain keep track of the different components in the setting), and we’ll see where I go from there!

[Session 0]

[pangolinheart]

(how far did you have to dig to find that post wow lol)

Anyway Lahabrea

[[Actually it wasn't that hard to find! My obsessive tagging system isn't only for forcing my followers to look at huge blocks of text they don't care abou - it's also so I can find posts when I want to go back to them without going through hundreds of pages of reblogs!

Anyway, when I saw this ask I thought this was going to be the hardest pairing to write for... but it was actually one of the easiest. At first I thought the only way to make something work was to do something Hephaistos/Azem, but I still haven't played Endwalker so I wasn't confident in my ability to write for that time period, and based on ambient spoilers it seems like Hephaistos was pretty preoccupied with his wife and child. Then I realized I didn't actually know what Lahabrea really looked like and, well...

I'm not super happy with the way this turned out, but I'm too lazy to edit it again so it's good enough.]]

Send me a character and I'll describe a ship with them and my OC.

Cid | M'zhet | Lahabrea

TW: Dubious consent (implied). Nothing graphic or anything, it's just, um, sketchy as hell.

What are you drinking?” He leaned over the bar, putting his weight on his elbows. He didn’t sit down – not yet. He waited for an invitation.  

The miqo’te perched on the next barstool looked him up and down appraisingly. She didn’t even bother to hide it. Not in the mood to play coy tonight, it seemed. Maybe she had had a rough day.  

He had waited for her to notice him from across the room. And notice she did. Their eyes met and he fancied he could almost hear her thinking to herself: He’ll do. 

“That depends,” She almost purred, “What are you buying?” 

She hadn’t asked him to sit down, but she might as well have. He slid onto the plush velvet seat. This was a nicer place than usual, he noted. A classy little place where respectable people came to get less-than-respectably drunk. Was she celebrating something? Or did she just want a change of scenery? Who could say? He beckoned the bartender over. Wine seemed like it would suit the mood. He ordered something red and expensive – it wasn’t as if money meant much to him, anyway. 

He was an elezen tonight – dark hair, dark skin, dark eyes. He usually preferred hyur, but this body had been available and seemed like something she might like. Then again, her tastes were wide and varied.  

Why was he doing this again? 

It was no use asking himself the question. He didn’t have any new answers. He told himself that keeping tabs on this shard’s Warrior of Light was his business, but even he didn’t believe that. This could hardly be called business.  

Maybe it was because she made him feel the echo of something he hadn’t felt in a long time: interest. How long had it been since he was really interested in something? Detachment had been second nature to him for so long that he had almost forgotten what it felt like.  

And she was interesting for a mortal, at least in some ways. In others she was almost offensively average. And yet there were times she almost seemed… familiar, somehow. Perhaps it was because she was a Warrior of Light. He’d seen plenty of Warriors on plenty of shards; he could hardly be blamed if they all started to blend together. If nothing else, though, she was interesting because of how interested Hydaelyn seemed to be in her. She had expended quite a lot of power to protect her from the might of the Ultima Weapon, after all. With her strength already waning, he couldn’t help but wonder why she had risked exhausting what little of her power remained on this Warrior of Light. 

The bartender returned with two glasses of wine, and he offered one to her. She accepted it with thanks and took a sip, though her gaze never left his. His own traced along the features of her face with which he had become so well-acquainted – her dark eyelashes over her mismatched eyes, the swoop of her bangs across her forehead, the gentle curve of her lips. He smiled, and she smiled back. 

The first time had been an accident, of course. Entirely improvised. It had been shortly after he had possessed one of her colleagues, Thancred, but before he had been able to manufacture a pretense for the man’s absence. He had, of course, watched his vessel closely enough to confidently impersonate him, at least for a short time. He had planned to slowly withdraw from the Scions, until his presence would no longer be missed. A contingency he had not prepared, however, for was Thancred being seized by the Warrior of Light herself and all-but dragged to a dive bar outside of Ul’dah. He had been caught off guard by this turn of events and he was left with no choice but to humor her, drinking and laughing (or at least pretending to) until the early hours of the morning. Fortunately, he doubted she would be able to remember the night clearly enough to recall if he had said or done anything out of character. His grand plan had also failed to account for being pulled into her sleeping chambers upon their return to the Waking Sands, and into bed with her. He had no way of knowing if this behavior was typical and expected or not. He had never seen it happen before, but that didn’t necessarily mean it hadn’t. He was a busy man, after all. So, he had decided in the moment to just… play along.  

It had certainly been a novel experience. 

“So,” He said in the elezen’s low, smooth voice. “Are you here waiting for a friend?” 

She twirled the stem of her wineglass between her fingers. Always so fidgety. “More like looking for one.” 

“Well,” He set his own wine glass back on the bar. “I’d be happy to keep you company while you look.” 

The second time had been… less excusable. 

After the debacle that was Ultima – curse Hydaelyn for her interference! – he had needed time to formulate a new plan. And while he devised his next strategy, he had had little else to do but keep tabs on the Warrior of Light and her companions. 

It was during this time that he had begun to recognize a pattern to her behavior. On a semi-regular basis, usually when she had quarreled with a compatriot or was otherwise upset about something or other, she would seek out an establishment that sold alcohol and spend several hours there, eventually leaving with someone else. A different person each time.  

Having been expelled from the body of Thancred, he had been forced to seek out a new host, presumably yet unknown to the Scions of the Seventh Dawn, and in his idleness he had begun to wonder… 

Would she even notice? 

She would not, it turned out. At least, she hadn’t yet. And that had been half a dozen times ago, give or take. It had become a fun little game to amuse himself with while he waited for wheels to turn. No round was ever quite the same, and he never used the same guise twice. He tried to vary his selections; different appearances, different origins, different genders. Recently he’d begun branching out into different races, as well (though they might as well all be the same to him). The other unsundered had always nagged him about the frequency with which he discarded his vessels, to which he usually responded that it was hardly his fault these fragments were so breakable and so boring. Not everyone’s scheme could include the industrialized production of clones like Emet-Selch’s did. In the event he hadn’t assumed a new vessel since the last time, though, projecting a different appearance was a small feat for an Ancient of Lahabrea’s caliber.  

He tried a different tact in each iteration, partly to avoid arousing her suspicion and partly because it made the game more interesting. He wasn’t always successful – sometimes she was only in the mood for drinking, other times there was another patron than interested her more than he did, which he found annoying. Once he had even said something that offended her for some reason. He couldn’t remember what it was. Did it really matter? 

She was watching him thoughtfully over the lip of her wineglass. She had half-emptied the glass already. He wondered if that was all it would take tonight. But when she opened her mouth, it wasn’t to invite him somewhere more private. 

“Have we met before? You seem familiar for some reason.” 

The question surprised him, but he didn’t lose his cool, didn’t miss a beat. 

“I shouldn’t think so. You don’t seem like the sort one would have an easy time forgetting,” 

Her grin took on a sly tilt. “Careful. With talk like that one might start to think you’re getting me drunk with ulterior motives,” 

Internally, he sighed with relief, though he didn’t let it touch his face. Instead, he gave her a coy smile and picked up his wineglass for another sip. “Perish the thought! I would hate for you to think me so ungentlemanly,” 

He probably should have stopped after one of her cohorts killed Nabriales. It was no small feat to kill an Ascian, even a sundered soul like his. In fact, he hadn’t even thought the mortals capable of it. Somehow, though, that only made things more interesting. It added the tiniest hint of danger to his little game, and he found he enjoyed it all the more. He had little real cause to worry, of course. Nabriales had been the architect of his own demise.  

Even so, after the last round he had sworn to himself he wouldn’t do it again. 

And had known with unshakeable certainty that he would. 

She set her now empty wineglass on the bar. She had shifted to face him more fully, and he might have missed the way she leaned ever so slightly inward had he not been looking for it. 

“Would you like another glass?” 

She considered it for a moment, or at least pretended to. “Please.” 

“Of course,” He ordered another glass and waited until the barkeep’s errand had taken him safely out of earshot. 

“You know,” he said, surveying her as she had him earlier. “I don’t believe I’ve given you my name.” 

Her lips quirked in a way that he found for some reason endearing. “I don’t believe I’ve asked you for it,” 

He raised his eyebrows in amusement and opened his mouth to respond with some quip or other when he felt someone tap his shoulder. 

He turned in his seat, a bit irritated by the interruption, to see a young Midlander with brooding grey eyes. “May I have a word?”  

He had never seen the man before, but he would recognize his brother anywhere. 

Oh dear. 

How was he going to explain this little caper? He wondered. His previous justifications had barely convinced him, so they certainly wouldn’t convince the Emissary. 

Ah, well. He was sure he would think of something. 

He was, after all, Lahabrea: Speaker of the Convocation. 

Okay in all seriousness this is definitely the most off-the-wall ship I was sent this round. I don't think it would happen, and if it did it would be a total shit-show. It's not necessarily because Lahabrea's a villain - there are of compelling villains ships out there. It's because he's both a villain and not Rhiki's type. He's braggadocios, megalomaniacal, and patronizing (and if there's one connecting thread between all of my characters it's that none of them would up with being condescended to by A Man.) And, for what it's worth, there's not really anything for Lahabrea to like about Rhiki. As an Ascian he's never portrayed as having any interest in or sympathy for mortals. The most any hyur, miqo'te, elezen, etc. could ever aspire to be to Lahabrea is "useful." To be honest, he doesn't really even seem to have any affection for his fellow ascians, though I'm aware there's something of a canonical reason for that. ARR really struggled with creating compelling antagonists, so Lahabrea (and most of the other villains) are painted as just... cartoonishly evil. I'm sure that he's given a lot more pathos in the Pandaemonium raid series, but I haven't played it yet so I can't speak to how well the original Lahabrea would have gotten along with Rhiki/Rhiki's Azem. Really, if you cut out all of the enw backstory, the above is really the only angle I could really see having any legs (as slimy and terrible as those legs are.) In realizing that I didn't know what Lahabrea actually looked like, I also realized that Rhiki has no idea what the real Lahabrea looks like. When I went over all of the times the WoL actually encounters Lahabrea, it dawned on me that the only time Rhiki sees him without his mask... he's Thancred, which is where the idea came from. (TBF to both of them I don't think ARR Rhiki would have had sex with Thancred no matter how shitfaced she was lol. This is just for the sake of exploring the possibilities.) Whether or not Rhiki actually found out about Lahabrea's body-hopping shenanigans is up for debate. I don't necessarily see how she would unless he or Elidibus told her. Lahabrea doesn't seem like he would have any motivation or opportunity to tell her. Elidibus might, if only to make it harder for Lahabrea to do anything stupid that might jeopardize their mission in the future. Obviously, Rhiki would not be pleased to learn this. I don't think any relationship the two of them could have could possibly change the trajectory of the story. The relationship isn't necessarily... romantic in nature. And I doubt there's anything about Rhiki that would make Lahabrea fall so head over heels for her that he would abandon his plans to resurrect Zodiark, which inevitably involves her death. Rhiki has no feelings for Lahabrea (except maybe anger, if she ever found out) but even if she did, she doesn't really have the opportunity to spare his life, since it's Thordan VII that ultimately kills him. BUT this was still a very fun thought experiment! I still apologize for everything that's happened above this point in the post, though. ^^;

[moonfurthetemmie]

So Hunter won’t really change all that much in the funky magic au thing. The main difference is going to be his mental and emotional states because

His bitchass brother is 100% gone, never to return

And

He gets to hang out with Byte again!!!

They’re not friends. They used to be, but not in a very, very long time.

He also was still being a stalker because he couldn’t just let go.

Their friendship ended well before Byte was Queen, and she only found out he’d been following her around the day after she became Queen. And only because the guards were so thrown off by this whole thing that they weren’t in their normal places, and he got caught.

He admits to all of it, and he seems to think she won’t mind, for some reason. He also admits to having snuck into the castle a few times to follow her even when Pluto invited them in

Slash and Pluto are like ‘can we kill him? Just a little?? Please??’

But Byte knows already that he’s a slippery little fucker and is very likely to escape before they can execute him. Even if they did it right then and there. She’s seen some Houdini shit from him okay. She’s real sure the only reason the guards were able to bring him to her at all is because he wanted to see her.

And that, along with the fact that he completely flew below her radar for this long, is why she decides to make him useful.

Hunter gets so excited when Byte goes “Actually I think I have a better idea”

She makes him her personal spy. Espionage, sabotage, intelligence operations. Whatever.

This also means she probably won’t have to worry about him trying some shit as much; he gets to ‘hang out’ with her again. That seems to really be all he wants. She’s not discounting other possibilities, but that’s what she has Pluto and Slash for. And 5000 other guards now.

So…yeah. He works for her. And he’s doing such a good job it’s scary. Pluto and Slash are just as suspicious of him as Byte (if not more), but they can’t deny he’s doing a good job.

Byte just barely tolerates him. She absolutely has not forgotten why she ended their friendship, and she’s not going to. But she’s taking some petty revenge by making him work for her. She’s paying him less than he should be getting, too, but it’s not like he knows what a royal spy’s usual pay is.

He’s pretty much the only one though, because even if she could lower the castle staff’s wages without them going “Whoa whoa hold the fuck up”, she has no reason to.

anyway here he is. He's still being paid a fair bit more than his old job so he's got some rather nice clothes, but he's gotta pretend he's not directly affiliated with the crown. so he's still bloo. normally

While he uses his familiar for the most dangerous stuff (who absolutely has a name, which i can't figure out rn), he still has to go in himself sometimes. And even if he doesnt, if his familiar finds something he thinks Byte would want, there's a good chance someone will try to follow the little (magic) rat. So he has to make goddamn sure no one can trace him back to Phrikeh at all; and especially not the Queen. Which they almost definitely will if he's caught, unless he can prove somehow that he's just a silly little thief guy.

Byte gave him the mask, and swords, but gave him pretty much free reign to design his own disguise. He can use the swords, but not very well. They're mainly for intimidation. They've got SKULLS on them!!!!! Don't mess with him!!!!!!!!

He never tried to create a familiar before Byte 'hired' him, so its form is a leetol rat specifically because he needed a little guy to sneak around for him.

[jodilin65]

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 31, 2018 No stomach pain and when I do have it it’s very mild to the point that it’s barely noticeable, so that much is good.

I really need to stop bragging about how much better I’ve been doing anxiety-wise because every time I do I jinx myself. I was a fool to think I beat it for good, but deep down I knew it would be back sooner or later. This shit is going to torture me on and off for the rest of my life, isn’t it? Really beginning to fear that now. Especially if it’s more the meds than the perimenopause, something I won’t find out until after I’ve gone a year without periods and I could still have quite a ways to go.

Yesterday I got so anxious that I had to take Lorazepam for the first time since July. My heart wasn’t racing but I skipped my meds today and I’m going to tomorrow as well so I don’t get there. I’m almost positive that if I didn’t skip I would end up with a racy heart and diarrhea. Then I would go from feeling shitty to feeling terrified.

Today I’m better but still not calm. I think the mistake I made after the last skip was that I didn’t let myself get totally better before I took another dose. The day I skipped I still had mild traces of anxiety. At first, I felt better than the last two days yesterday, but as yesterday progressed, it was the worst I’d felt in a while.

So I skipped today’s dose and I’m definitely skipping tomorrow, too. Would really like to know where my numbers were yesterday, but I know my TSH can be high while I still feel bad. The numbers go up right away after a skip but you don’t feel better right away. Just wish I knew what was causing this the most! Peri or pills? It would be a great relief to know that this would be gone forever once I hit menopause, but if there’s anything I’ve learned in life it’s that the longer something goes on, the less likely it is to stop. If it’s not the peri then it’s got to be the pills. I can’t believe I would’ve suddenly up and become this way for no reason at all and that’s it for life. I really hope it isn’t the pills. Again, the pills are for life, the peri isn’t.

Really hope I can stand to take it regularly leading up to the lab so I can get good enough numbers that won’t cause her to send me right back to the lab a few weeks later. I will not, however, let myself suffer just to please the doctor.

After going so long with just a few days of mild anxiety, it was a very disappointing and frustrating setback just as it was to get a period after nearly half a year.

Which do I think is the main culprit? I still don’t know. This feeling seems a bit extreme for hormonal changes but not for a chemical substance. It’s just that that “substance” is supposed to be what our bodies make anyway. I don’t know what to think anymore. Like I said, until I’ve gone a year without periods, I won’t have the answer. It’s like they both make sense but they don’t. Hormones can certainly affect the way we feel but it’s also a coincidence that it starts after I start the medication.

The only thing I’m sure of is that I’m not interested in OD anymore. Too many glitches to be worth bothering with for a place I don’t intend to remain at anyway.

Last night I dreamed I was in Japan. I was in a room with a mix of Japanese and American police officers and couldn’t help but notice how much taller the American police were. Someone said something to me about being considered average height if I were from Japan since the Japanese tend to be shorter and I’m short, too.

In the next dream, I was in a small store of some kind. The store was a bit deep but narrow and seemed to have (light yellow?) painted brick walls. I’m guessing it was a little convenience store or something. I knew whoever was at the register and while I didn’t work there I was standing next to them as they rang up someone’s order. Standing nearby was a tall woman on a phone. Even though she didn’t look like Nane, I knew it was her. She had long dark layered curls and she didn’t seem to know who I was.

In the last dream, my parents were still alive and I had to cancel a visit to them. I learned that Lisa was to visit them at that time instead and I knew she wouldn’t have gone then had I not canceled.

My vibrator broke. It needed charging, so I charged it up, but it keeps going on and off like there’s a short or something.

I wrestled this 80-lb doll that I mostly regret getting onto her stomach to help keep her ass from going flat, though I would rather her backside become deformed than the front of her since it’s the front of her that I see.

Amazingly I was able to get off on her Monday morning. I didn’t think I could but I did. With her sitting against the back of the couch, I straddled her lap and sat facing her as I rubbed myself against her.

This morning I tried different positions but had no luck. Just couldn’t get the angle right. So much for trying to get at least a little pleasure out of something that costs so much.

I got a hilarious idea for my second OD account. Even though I changed names and locations, it still wouldn’t surprise me if some figured out who I was. It wouldn’t be the end of the world if they did but since I don’t think most people will, I thought it would be hilarious to go back in time exactly 20 years ago and share entries one by one with the months and dates matching the current ones except for the year. So I just posted January 31st of 1998 when I was 32 years old and dealing with the freeloaders’ shit in Phoenix. Guess I had just gone bottle tossing and they tried to have me served. The only difference is that the day may not be the exact same day of the week that it was 20 years ago, so it may seem weird to some people reading that it’s almost the weekend when it’s not, LOL. Just thought it would be something fun to do just to see how many people check it out since it’s easy to track there. Not allowing comments on that account, though.

As expected, not a peep out of Palma or Stacey, but at least I know I accomplished my goal since I left Stacey a VM and tagged/friend-requested Palma… They read my messages. Wonder how long it’ll take Palma to delete my friend request, though?

MONDAY, JANUARY 29, 2018 What a night it’s been. Our attempt to go out and eat was a real bust. I cannot believe how many people are out and about on Monday at midnight, big city or not. But we went to the IHOP and were told we had a 15-minute wait just to be seated.

So we took off and decided to go for some fast food. Of all the places that were still open, KFC wasn’t one of them, so we went to Jack-in-the-Box’s drive-thru. But there too, was a small mob of sorts with several cars in a line that didn’t seem to be moving much.

So then we decided to stop at Applebee’s. Sure enough, the place was closing. So we decided to say fuck it and go home. He offered to stop at Walgreens but I knew it would be crowded there too, I didn’t have anything in mind I wanted or needed, and I didn’t want to be tempted to get junk food.

So we came home and I made us the cheddar potato bake we got from Walmart that you just throw in the microwave.

On the way back the pigs were next to us and the fuckers changed lanes without even signaling. I’m surprised they didn’t go through a red light, too. But what bothered me more than these law-breaking lawmen was the fact that Tom seemed annoyed by my complaining about them. Almost as if to say, “How dare you bitch about them despite what they did to you in Arizona!”

The defending of others and lack of defense on my behalf from him really bothers me at times. You know, like when someone’s sister starts almost sounding like she’s defending her beloved ex. The one she never stopped loving. Seriously, I don’t think she ever fell out of love with him. I think she just realized she loved Mark more. She would never have left Bill had she not met someone else. Tammy’s never lived without a man and she never will unless Mark dies first.

Later…

My stomach pain is sometimes nonexistent and other times it’s just barely noticeable. It’s still in that small concentrated little spot right under the ribs and a few inches away from the center of my stomach.

Skipped my meds yesterday and today I feel better than I felt yesterday and yesterday I felt better than I felt the day before. However, I’m still not as calm as I could be and I hope it’s nothing to worry about. Again, until I’ve gone a whole year without bleeding, I can’t say how much of it is on my meds.

Thanks to the traffic, I was woken up for the third time this month. So that’s two pill skips and three wake-up calls with another wake-up call coming Friday when they pick up the trash.

Tom thinks one of the reasons I can’t adapt to sleeping with background noise that isn’t consistent (and believe it or not, the louder traffic isn’t regular enough to be a consistent pattern) is because he grew up having to sleep with a lot more background noise than I did. He’s got a definite point there. Sometimes I still wonder if part of it is compensation for not having to get up to an alarm five days a week and not having kids waking me up either.

Nothing from Stacey or Palma. Unless it didn’t go through, I don’t see why Stacey wouldn’t at least read my message even if I don’t hear from her. Another few weeks and I’m going to be convinced that Palma has indeed stopped posting publicly because no one’s that busy.

Been slacking off on my story and I need to get back to it as well as editing my next book. I’m just tired tonight. I’m slacking off on exercising too, although this doll has given me a bit of a workout! I should at least do my core and do some back flies and ab crunches tonight. Been doing quick random sprints and yes, I’ve lost a couple of pounds, but it’s not like even I can’t lose at least a couple. It’s probably just water, though. Rather than focus on calories, I’m trying to focus more on spacing out when I eat as well as ingredients.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 28, 2018 Last night OD was running really slow but tonight it seems a bit snappier. 28 days left! No way I’m going to pay for that site. I like PB way better mostly for its simplicity and the way we can have multiple books. I don’t expect to ever have the search feature I’d like or to be able to customize backgrounds or anything like that, but that is definitely my preferred platform these days.

The teenager who read my diary on YouTube contacted me to say that the first one (she did a series of three videos) now has over 1000 views. Good for her. :-)

Anyway, my book Evil Amongst the Evergreens has now been fully re-edited, redesigned and republished. Six books published and counting! Couldn’t resist sending Maliheh a copy… WITH her name. No reply, of course, not that I have any way to know if she’s getting my messages or not. One of the accounts was taken over but the message didn’t bounce so she must have recovered it.

I’ve got mild anxiety in my chest right now probably because I splurged on sugar today.

No stomach pain today. The old lady in Texas said that when they say severe they mean it and that there’s no doubt about it. She’s had it before. Another person suggested uterine fibroids, but I would’ve thought the pain was too high up for that. It’s funny because she’s now following me just to see what happens with that, LOL. I think she is somewhere in the southeast.

Tom and I were talking about what an idiot Trump is. I see his wanting to reform immigration and keep dangerous cultures out (though Tom insists Muslims are like anyone else and it’s just a small group of them that are crazy). Not sure I agree with that but that’s okay. We don’t have to agree on everything. I agree, however, that he really should ignore Kim’s childish and immature taunts. When we feed the trolls, we stoop to their level. Trolls hate being ignored. Since he’s thousands of miles away, I really think it would be best if Trumpty Dumpty stopped giving Kim the negative attention he so obviously craves.

While I wasn’t being euthanized in my dreams last night, I seemed to be very lonely and depressed, living alone in some apartment with absolutely nothing. No computer, no TV, no radio, no nothing. All I did was lay in bed depressed. It seems I did get up to look out the window, though, and I must have been several floors up because I was looking down at a stormy sea. It seemed to be nighttime, too

Then I beat up Jenny C for some reason in another dream.

Later…

Palma doesn’t appear to have checked in for over a month and her friend count is the same. Don’t know if she hasn’t been on or if she just hasn’t seen my message, but I just tagged and friend-requested her. Would be surprised if I ever heard from her, though. Maybe she’ll even block me like Scot did, but I see her more as the ignoring type than the blocking type if she remembers me, and I think she will.

I also left Stacey a message and was surprised at how self-conscious I felt when I did it. My heart even raced a bit. It was nice to hear her voice again. Do I think she’ll reply on Facebook or by phone? I’d say there’s a 60% chance she’ll leave me a voice message, a 40% chance she won’t do anything.

When Tom leaves I’ve got a lot of catching up to do as far as my voice blog goes. I haven’t done any posts on Bubbly since Friday. I don’t usually do it on weekends.

My dreams told me that I was done with periods but I’ll believe it when I see it. I skipped my meds today because I felt a little anxious yesterday. It’s a good thing I did too, because I can still feel very slight traces of it.

They really are a bunch of idiots at Amazon. I decided to tell them that I wasn’t receiving reviews and they asked for a screenshot of the reviews in question. Stupid idiots.

We’re going to the IHOP in the wee hours of the morning before he goes to work. I’m sure the music will be blasting there too, but at least it will drown out his eating sounds I never cared to hear. I just hope there are no little kids because nothing drowns them out.

We talked about getting a wheelchair for the doll so I could at least have her in whatever room I wanted her in and I could hide her easily that way as well. But the more I think about it the more I don’t think it’s necessary because no matter how I try to lift her I simply can’t do any more than maneuvering her back and forth between a sitting and a lying position. I can’t even transfer her from the couch to the footstool. No way I could transfer her in and out of a wheelchair and onto a bed, couch or whatever. Whenever I want her on the bed I’m going to have to have him put her there. It’s funny because Aly is so sure she can lift 100 pounds if not for long. So could I depending on the way the weight is distributed, the angles, and the length. I really, really don’t think she could lift this doll any easier than I can. If she did I sure would be jealous as well as pissed at myself. Really, I would feel like such a wimp, hahaha. Maybe it’s time to really work my arms double-time on the Bowflex.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 27, 2018 The EMDR must have worn off, LOL, because I’m practically crying happy tears at the realization that I haven’t needed Lorazepam (with the exception of one or two to help me sleep for last year’s appointments) since July 5th! You know how everyone has their moment when they realize they’ve either accomplished or survived something? The reality is starting to set in that I might have actually really truly survived the hellish nightmare I suffered from the summer of 2014 to the summer of 2017 and I just might actually be back to myself for good. Or at least for what I hope is a seriously long time.

I don’t even want to think of what my next long-term problem will be or when it will start, and yes, it does seem I have one long-term crisis after another with just a year or two in between. As an adult, I’ve had what I consider to be a crisis 5 different times in my life, and a few other long-term problems that I wouldn’t describe as a crisis but that were very frustrating. Of the 5 times I was in crisis, two were monetary, two were medical, and one was legal. Even though the last crisis was by far the worst, my life was never truly in danger. But the series of killer asthma attacks I had many years ago could have killed me, and the two times I was in a serious financial crisis could have done me in as well. So I would say that three out of five were dangerous or close enough to it.

I can only tell you this… Whatever the next one may be is either going to be a piece of cake compared to my “meds-peri crisis” or it’s going to kill me because anything worse than the last crisis would certainly do just that, that’s how bad it was, life-threatening or not.

Anyway, can’t say that I’ll never get another period again, but I can definitely say that in April, when the Lorazepam expires, I won’t be requesting a refill.

Later…

Tom had just finished helping me dye my hair and I was just about to jump in the shower to rinse it out when he comes back into the bedroom and says, “Don’t freak out but there’s a body in the carport.”

I really thought he meant that someone passed out or died in our carport. It didn’t hit me that the “body” was actually the doll because I didn’t expect her until the week after next. But yes, she’s here! The doll I’ve wanted for 13 years is here and I’m very disappointed. She is OMG heavy as fuck! She’s absolutely gorgeous and very lifelike as well as life-size. No problem from an aesthetic point. She looks even more realistic than I thought she would and she has a great body despite being a little too titsy.

The problem is I can’t lift her to save my life! It’s a huge struggle even for Tom. It’s just that people tend to exaggerate so I didn’t buy all the complaints about these things being so damn heavy. Well, they weren’t kidding! The best I can do is maneuver her from lying down into a sitting position on the couch. I couldn’t even pick her up to get her into my office chair to wheel her into another room if I wanted to. So that much is pretty disappointing. But every time I walk by it’s like, wow! What a beauty!

I took some pictures of her to show Aly. Not sure I want to tell Tammy but if I do I’ll say we won her, LOL. The plan was to enjoy her while we were still here and get a flat-chested one with a tan when we move. No way! Until they can make these things no more than 30 pounds, I’ll pass.

She came with an outfit that fits her perfectly and looks great on her. Sheer baby blue lingerie that really shows her realism because you can see her nipples through the lace on the upper part of the top. I realize now that putting her in a typical outfit would cover a lot of her realism. This way you can see her nipples, belly button, etc.

I put a necklace, earrings and a couple of rings on her, but I can’t find my other toe rings.

She came with a comb that has fat metal prongs but goes through the wig easily. The doll and the wigs are definitely very high quality. The eyes look very realistic, too. If I’m disappointed with something that costs $740, imagine how pissed I’d be if we had spent over 2K! Tom never wanted to send her back unless she was damaged, so she’s staying. Would I undo this order if it was as simple as snapping my fingers? Yes, I would. But since I can’t, I have a very beautiful, realistic and life-size doll to look at every time I walk through the living room.

We couldn’t resist feeling inside her, LOL. Feels pretty realistic to me. The only thing that doesn’t seem realistic is the positioning of the openings. They seem too far forward.

Anyway, right now I have the Suki head on her which looks Chinese. She wears a shoulder-length dark brown wig parted in the middle. Later I’ll switch to Gia who looks Korean but will probably take out her blue eyes and put the brown ones in. She can wear the lighter brown wig with the green and blue colored streaks on the ends. It’s a really cool-looking wig. Hell, I might even wear it just for kicks. The wigs stay on these heads much easier than on the mannequins which had a smooth slippery surface. The wigs don’t slip as easily on the rubbery surface. That’s part of what makes her hard to move too, is that she hangs up on things easier. Between her rubbery surface and her weight, I can’t just slide her into position easily on the couch. She has to be lifted.

I added coral-colored lipgloss to Suki and will add bright pink to Gia. The natural color of the lips is just a light reddish color. I’m kind of surprised that they don’t have removable tongues. Anyway, I have to really be sure to do the lips well because she stains very easily. They should’ve whitened the teeth a bit, though.

She came with a warming stick and I can see why. Even after she’d been indoors for a while, she remained cool to the touch, almost cold. She’s very soft and almost tacky feeling. You can get rid of that by putting baby powder on her. I have to be careful when handling her that I don’t cut the skin with my nails, that’s how soft it is. It’s funny because when I slap her breasts, you hear a hollow sound. When I slap her thighs, it sounds just like when I slap my own thighs.

She also came with a plunger-like thing to clean her out after you screw her, so that’s definitely not anything we would need, haha.

They also enclosed white gloves (I don’t want to cover her pretty hands and nails) and a charcoal gray fleece blanket. What, do they think that will warm her up or something? One of her nails popped off but it was easy enough to glue it back on.

The joints are a bit stiff but that’s nothing compared to trying to lift her. As soon as I tried to lift the box I knew I would never be able to lift her.

At least I can change the damn heads! The head alone is like 8 pounds. They said she’s 70 pounds, but I think she’s closer to 80, maybe even slightly more. I’m learning I’m not the toughie I thought I was, LOL. Anything else about myself I may be giving myself too much credit for?

FRIDAY, JANUARY 26, 2018 Still fighting like hell to keep from gaining more weight but again it’s like trying to hold back the tide. I really think I’m going to see the 160s really soon. I don’t know what else I can do to stop it, though. I’m trying to arrange my eating schedule in a different way but I honestly don’t see how that will help because I really do have to go down to a thousand calories or less in order to lose weight and I just can’t stand that. I’m just too old for that shit.

Now here’s the thing I’ve noticed. It’s not that I’m gaining easier, but more like retaining easier. In the past, If I didn’t eat the last 4-5 hours of my day or so I would drop a couple of pounds before bed. Not anymore. The weight is clinging longer after eating or drinking and it’s taking longer to drop back down after a few hours of having nothing. But why? What could be going on with me that’s causing this? It just seems a bit extreme for age/peri.

I’m hoping, however, that the new eating arrangement will at least stop the gaining but I don’t think it will. I think I’m just slowing down the inevitable. I can’t even drink a cup of coffee without jumping half a pound that can take half a day to lose.

Last night I was browsing through YouTube videos and saw a horrible picture. One of the videos I watched showed photos just moments before tragedy struck. One of them was a gay man falling from a tall building that was pushed off and being executed by ISIS. It was a horrifying thing to see. Just totally sick, sad, infuriating and disgusting. How can one human do that to another without feeling a shred of guilt? How can they feel that’s the right thing to do? How can they believe their imaginary God would possibly pat them on the back for it? If it would, then it’s no God of mine.

But then I got to thinking about it… Is there really no one on the face of this Earth that I myself could do that too? Being honest with myself, I realized that while I couldn’t participate in actually throwing them off the building, and I couldn’t stand to watch them hit the ground like a watermelon hitting the ground with a gross, messy splat, I could certainly stand to know that child molesters, rapists and murderers, for example, were meeting a fate like that. Even one worse would be okay with me. Meaning that I would gladly look the other way without saying anything in protest. There are only a few people that I could actually torture and that I would be willing to do certain things to, but cutting their heads off, lighting them on fire or pushing them off of buildings isn’t what I would have in mind. Oh, I may end their existence in the end, but I would prefer a much less gory way. But then I think that humiliating them for the way they’ve wronged me would be much more fun and rewarding than actually taking their lives. Once you take lives they can’t live with whatever humiliation you’ve inflicted upon them and the horrible memories it would certainly bring.

Later…

So the world was more dangerous than ever at 11:58 PM (PT?) last night. But we survived. Wow, huh?

It’s a quiet Friday night and now I’m doing my writing now that my household duties have been taken care of. Well, it’s almost quiet. I hear the buzz of the freeway and who knows when the planes might get in on the action.

Nothing at all from Stacey or Palma and I have a feeling I’m probably not going to hear from either one of them no matter what I do. At first I was thinking, why bother sharing and tagging Palma when she’s almost certainly going to just ignore it? But then I realized it would at least flag her attention to the message I sent if nothing else. There’s still a chance she could have already spotted it and read it but there’s no way to know for sure. There doesn’t seem to be any activity on her account for a month and her friend count hasn’t risen either.

As for Stacey, she may reply with a message by phone but I wouldn’t count on it. I have a feeling she would prefer to keep me in the past as I have been in light of me calling her out on stuff she ultimately denied. I’ll find out soon enough, though. I was thinking I’d call her and tag Palma next week. Most people still have more free time on the weekend so I want to give them one more weekend to check in.

Didn’t have much stomach pain yesterday but today I had a little bit for the first few hours of my day.

Definitely didn’t have good dreams last night. The saddest one was where I guess I was terminally ill or something like that because I was being given a lethal dose of whatever. It was weird, though, because I was outdoors with a bunch of people somewhere. Maybe it was someone’s backyard. Only I didn’t seem to know anyone. I mean I knew the people but I didn’t know the people. The people closest to me were actually made-up characters in one of my books. I felt very woozy at one point and started to wonder if they were killing me in stages, so to speak, with whatever the on-hand nurse had been giving me so I wouldn’t be so overwhelmed.

Then I felt like I couldn’t keep my eyes open and I said I had to lay down. So I laid down on this lounge chair and could’ve sworn I heard someone say something about me not getting back up. Someone else said, “It’s okay sweetie. You can take a nap now and will finish later.”

What she meant by “finish” was the party going on. When I closed my eyes I wondered if I would ever open them again. I felt a slight prick on my arm and realized I’d been given the final dose that would put me out forever.

In another dream, I was in a bank somewhere with about 10 other people and this camera with this weird blinking red light followed my every move. Instead of thinking it was a motion sensor camera, I was sure that it was a gun and that whoever had set it up would shoot anybody who tried to leave the bank.

Then I had another dream where Tom and I were either homeless or the car had broken down and we had to carry some things. It was strange because one of the things was this large plastic doll sort of like an American Girl doll. I said I was going to just put her in the car and Tom snorted and made a gesture with his hands as if to say “What car.”

Instead, since she came with a backpack that could be strapped to a child’s back and since I was on the small side, I strapped her to my back.

In the last dream, I was back in jail and Mary slapped me. Instead of kicking her ass like I would have in real life, I just stood there completely flabbergasted.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 25, 2018 I don’t understand this doomsday clock shit they keep tweaking. So the world is going to end at 11:58 tonight? Great! Then we won’t have to worry about getting old and not having anyone to help us. Seriously, the world will indeed end by war but I still think it’s about 100 years away. Once technology gets to the point that everyone can send enough bombs without being able to deflect any coming their way in time, that’s when it will happen. People really will kill themselves to kill others. We wouldn’t have murder-suicides if they weren’t. For now, I still think what I’ve always thought… that actions speak louder than words and that people take threats too seriously. Threats don’t mean shit without action to back them up. Anybody can threaten anything at any time and that’s meaningless unless they actually do something.

Thank goodness for hourly weather updates! I was able to time my jog perfectly. It’s pouring like crazy now and pretty dark out there, too.

They put up a trellis fence around the side and back of the house that’s STILL being flipped and at first I was worried they would enclose it and encourage the new people to leave any dogs they may have out there in a park that’s not likely to do much about it. It’s not enclosed, though. It’s just to add a little more privacy.

My dangling “diamond” earrings came today from China and they’re gorgeous. It’s nice to be able to wear earrings again if I want to without them looking ridiculous. Should have thought to try clip-ons years ago!

LOL, that silly Marie. She sure is quick to move on and like with all her other girlfriends this is the “only one who’s ever really understood her.” I wouldn’t tell her this, of course, but sadly, I think she’s either going to cheat on her latest catch or scare her off with her problems and dynamic mood swings. It seems that where some of us have accepted what happened to us as kids and have vowed not to let it affect our future, she somehow got stuck in a rut for some reason and was never able to move on. Gotta love her, though. She’s still a sister and I’ll always hope for the best for her.

Aly and I swapped story ideas earlier. She wants to do a mindfuck story with a character that has my kind of sleep disorder, so she consulted with me about it. The sleep doctor I saw calls it non-entrained circadian rhythm disorder and it is a definite, definite curse from above if there ever was anything up there. There is no cure for it. I do have some control over it but very, very little. I can control it to a degree for about a week or two if even that. It really depends on what’s going on. Yes, the nights are much more peaceful, especially if you’re a writer, but I would still love to always be on days because that would be much more convenient. I wasn’t kidding when I said that the things most people struggle with come easier to me while the things most people take for granted and that’s like second nature to them are what I struggle with most.

What’s interesting is that at the same time I don’t have a schedule, my schedule is actually more predictable than your average person’s. Tom wrote a program to predict what my schedule will be in the upcoming weeks or months when scheduling my appointments. Right now the current prediction for when I’ll get up on his birthday in June is 1:30 AM and 10:30 PM on my birthday in December. This is based on an average jump of one hour and 15 minutes a day. Amazingly, the program is almost always right on.

The program helps enable me to know went to start pushing or pulling it in either direction if it’s a little off in one direction or another for pending appointments, and if I start early enough, it may only require a 10-minute manipulation. So if I fell asleep at 11 PM the night before, then the next night I will push it to 11:10 PM. Get it? I know it’s very hard for those that don’t have it to even conceive of how it’s possible to not be able to control your schedule no matter what you do and many often go into denial about it much in the way those do that don’t understand that yes, we’re born with one out of 4 possible sexualities… Straight, bisexual, gay or child molesters.

No matter what anyone gets or thinks, it’s something that’s very real and it’s on me. I’m the one that has to deal with it, after all.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 24, 2018 Unfortunately, this is the third day that I’ve had that cramp-like feeling in my upper right gut. I’m starting to suspect there could be a connection to my gallbladder, but I’m not worried at this point because according to what I read, gallstones are common. Gallbladder cancer is not, however.

I think it will back off on its own. I sure hope so as I’ve had enough of the medical drama these last 3 years! Now that I’ve been healthy again for over half a year I want to stay that way for a very long time.

I read that it’s more common with women (figures) and that it has to do with these deposits that harden and build up which can sometimes lead to infection. I don’t have any fever or chills, though I still get cold easily. I’ve always been sensitive to cold.

It describes the pain as “severe” but I would call it more like annoying. I also don’t have any back pain which it says you can get along with it. You can feel it more when you take a deep breath and it does seem to intensify the cramp a bit but once I release the breath of air it goes back to being just annoying. It also said it can come and go, sometimes lasting a few hours to a few days. It can become worse after a heavy meal, especially if it’s a greasy one.

Last night I dreamed that Virginia seemed to be angry at me every time we would cross paths and I suspected it may have been because of something I said about her to someone else living in the park.

Then I had a dream that I may have been in some kind of psych ward, though it seemed like I was able to leave at my own will because I was trying to remember Tom’s number so I could call him to have him pick me up.

I mentioned to a large black woman who worked there that I had a disease that affected my memory and I had forgotten both my phone number and his. Then they gave me something that they said would “help make me feel better.” Next thing I know I’m falling asleep and waking up in a pitch-black room at 2 in the morning. I was the only one in the tiny windowless room with its door slightly ajar. Realizing that they gave me something that knocked me out, I got up and decided to go look for my phone, hoping that Tom’s number would be stored in it. I don’t know why my dream self didn’t think of this before but when I exited the room, the hallway was just as dark and I couldn’t see a thing. I then realized that it would only be a matter of hours before he would be there to get me anyway.

I checked the FedEx tracking number they gave me but the doll still isn’t in their system yet. We’re guessing they won’t post any useful information until she’s actually on the plane. I’m thinking it might not even be until she’s in the US. I just hope that we have enough warning so that Tom can know what day to take off from work.

Still texting with Aly who has been staying with her nanny family. I forget that she sometimes does that. Again she contradicted herself. A long time ago she said that obesity didn’t run in her family but this time she said it did even though her parents weren’t that big. She says she’s 120 pounds. Yeah, but she’s only 36. Another 5-10 years and she’ll probably be 30 pounds heavier and unable to lose a single pound.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 23, 2018 Another thing I don’t get is how some people say that God is the reason their lives are good at the moment. So then what is the reason some poor kid that’s being abused or starved in some Third World country is going through what they’re going through? Did they somehow do something to deserve it or to ask for it? I just don’t get that. If you’re supposedly so special that you’ve been blessed by Him, what do some of these innocent children do to end up not the least bit blessed?

This is the second day in a row that I’ve woken up with pain in my upper right stomach. Not sure what it is. It seems like it could be a lot of things from what I looked up, but I’m still going with either a pulled muscle or some kind of weird gas pain. It better not be anything serious! Really had enough of the doctors and don’t want to have to see anymore other than for regular maintenance.

I checked Palma’s page some more and determined that her son is now 9 years old. Also, she seems to live in a pretty nice house too. I’m guessing that if she and her husband both make at least 50K a year, then they can easily afford it with a six-figure income.

Aly said she’s now pre-diabetic. She doesn’t have to take medication or insulin yet but she has to monitor her blood sugar and go to the emergency room if it gets too high. This really sucks. Like Tammy, hasn’t she had enough to deal with? Especially for one who hasn’t even hit 40 yet?

I don’t remember much in the way of dreams last night other than hearing someone say hello and then running through the house which didn’t look like this place in search of someone I couldn’t seem to find.

After soaking in the tub with the fairy bath bomb it turns out that the surprise inside was a fairy pendant/charm that you can attach to a necklace or bracelet.

The doll is on the way and I got her FedEx tracking number! So excited! I just really REALLY hope I can handle the bitch.

I worked out on the Bowflex but haven’t yet convinced myself to go out for a walk down to the lake and back. Actually, now that I’m through the worst of the perimenopause I really should go further than that and stay out there a good half hour or so. But between being lazy and having three different pieces of exercise equipment indoors, I only do a 15-minute walk and make up the rest of the time doing something indoors.

MONDAY, JANUARY 22, 2018 Got a cramp-like pain in my right upper gut. I’ve had this before but today I woke up with it and it’s a little steadier. Used to think this was due to pulling muscles when ab crunching. Hopefully, nothing’s wrong with my liver or gallbladder. Part of the pancreas is there too.

So Aly said she talked to a live person on Amazon about her review not going through. Apparently, it wasn’t just me she tried to leave a review for but a few other authors as well. They said something about her account being new and needing time to be approved, while some of the rude trolls I encountered in the forums said Amazon has BOTs looking for links and connections to those leaving comments. This seems like an awful lot of work for Amazon to go through, but apparently, they have become very much against those who know the author leaving comments on their books that they’re checking for links we share to our book pages on social media and any connection to those leaving comments.

What do I think? At this point, I think the whole review system is just glitchy, but I’ll find out more soon when I go to leave a review on the book I’m currently reading.

Last night I looked up free e-books and had fun adding dozens of new books to my library. I like mystery, suspense, thrillers and things like that. I have a couple of true crime novels as well.

I forgot to mention the weird scene I saw yesterday at Target. A little girl of about perhaps 10 years of age was wearing a sundress. Yes, a sundress with absolutely no jacket. Meanwhile, it was in the 40s out. I don’t get that any more than I get why they were selling flip-flops, swimsuits and summer clothes in January. Okay, so we’re in a moderate climate and we may not be like Oregon but we’re not like Florida either.

I’m back to sleeping shitty even though I don’t feel tired. I just have to sleep longer to make up for waking up so much, but yeah, I’m back to waking up constantly. At one point during the night I got up to pee and I wasn’t sure I would be able to fall back asleep first.

I was kind of disappointed to find that the doll is still awaiting shipment when I checked the status on Ali. It’s early Tuesday morning now in China. Shouldn’t she have been shipped out by now? I sent a message to them asking when they thought she would be shipped out because I would really like to know what day she’s going to arrive in order to be able to be available to sign for her. Tom said he would take that day off. He has over two weeks of time off accumulated. I teased him about telling them that he was going to take a day off for his new sex doll. LOL, they wouldn’t believe that one if he did.

As expected, not a word from Stacey or Palma but I still can’t say that either one of them has checked in since I sent their messages. Goes to show, though, that nothing has changed for me when it comes to prayer. Nothing I’ve prayed for recently has come true. The only thing that’s close to being granted is that I’ve only had a couple of anxious days since asking for the anxiety not to return which is by far the most important thing to me. My weight and who I hear from is nothing compared to that.

Being the curious person that I am, I googled why prayers don’t always seem to be granted, and some of those that believe in God say that He hears you no matter what, but there are a number of reasons your prayers may not be granted and this can range from not being the right time or what’s best for you to you not be sorry enough for past sins and not forgiving of others.

Well, if that’s the case then I may as well return to not praying because not only am I still not sure there even is a God, but I’m never going to be sorry for every mistake I’ve ever made and I’m never going to forgive everyone who’s ever burned me either. Furthermore, I have no shame, guilt or regrets for saying so and for feeling as I feel either. If there was a God, first He allows me to have the kind of mother I had. Then He allows me to want a child and a career I could never have before the idea of these things wore off on their own. Then I was never allowed to have a woman I really lusted for before meeting Tom. Then I had to go through the poverty. Then I had to be thrown in jail for something no one should ever be thrown in jail for. Then I had to have the shit terrorized out of me for a few years.

Sorry, but that’s not something I can just “forgive and forget.” I could forgive some of the people that have screwed me with a sincere apology, but not those that had the biggest hand in screwing me over in the biggest of ways. Same goes for God. What He did by sitting back and allowing so much of it to happen is no different, in my mind, than a woman who sits back and lets her boyfriend beat the shit out of her child. He could have prevented at least some of it. But He didn’t. The fact that He willingly chose not to makes me unable to help the ill feelings that I harbor toward Him as well as to others. Again, though, this is only if He even exists in the first place. Even if He doesn’t and even if everything that happens to us is purely random, that doesn’t excuse my biggest perps. So if reacting to the freeloaders’ shit and speaking my mind is considered a “sin,” then that’s okay with me. I would send them the exact same journals all over again. I just wouldn’t be dumb enough to answer any court calls.

On the flip side, whether my life has been happenstance or planned by something we can’t see, I realize my life could be a lot worse than it has been. There are millions of people out there who suffer a lot more than I have and who never find their true soulmate either. So, it’s weird. It’s like I’m blessed while I’m cursed. But either way, no matter what happens to me in the present or the future, nothing can ever undo the past. You can never excuse, make up for or compensate for those that knew damn well what they were doing yet chose to screw me over anyway. Or the possible God that sat back and let it all happen.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 21, 2018 We went to Target earlier and I saw a collection of small fake flowers and cacti that I would have loved 20 years ago. Maybe in the next house since I plan to have a more “grown-up” theme of decor at that time for variety’s sake.

I ended up getting a couple of color-changing nail polishes. One is pink and turns purple when your body temperature is cooler or like if you run it under cold water. The other is yellow and turns orange in cooler temperatures. Just going outdoors will darken the colors. It’s been so cold the last couple of days!

I also got a large, colorful bath bomb that says it has a surprise inside. That oughta be interesting, though my guess is that it’s a tiny plastic toy I’ll have no use for in the shape of an animal of some kind.

Didn’t get much else there other than toothpaste and some treats. Decided not to stop anywhere else either. That’s what having money does to you. Once you accumulate so much shit, not much is new and exciting anymore. You don’t feel like you just have to have this or that because you’ve already got so much shit. I don’t need or want any more clothes, jewelry, shoes, knickknacks, perfume, makeup or anything else right now. I’ve definitely got way more than I need, LOL. I just want my doll! It’s early Monday morning in China now so it should be close.

The short story I shared on a site for writers that Mitch recommended to me and that I don’t plan to publish, has nearly 200 views and a handful of positive feedback. No one had anything negative to say yet and someone was kind enough to catch a discrepancy in character ages for me. You have the option of receiving comments and critiques, just comments, or nothing at all. I chose the first option.

The kitchen smart switches have really turned themselves into dumb switches. I don’t know why they’ve gotten so unreliable but I’m having to turn the lights on and off manually which kind of sucks. I guess it’s not all bad, though, as with the switches you just tap them. They’re not toggle switches. We have about four different brands throughout the house and this particular brand (I’m not sure what it is) really sucks.

It’s a shame to see so many things pop up that I really could have used in the past. Like some of the amazing bikinis they have these days. Why couldn’t they have existed when I was young and skinny? And why couldn’t self-driving cars have been a thing back when I was single?

Other than a burst of daily landscaping and annoying planes circling round and round, it’s been a cold but peaceful day.

I noticed a rather uncanny pattern and I wonder if it means anything. I always thought it was rather interesting that the dates that my parents, siblings and myself were born are in two different groups. A group of two and a group of three. The days we were born are 4, 5 and 6, and then 9 days later, 15 and 16. No one has a birth date that isn’t adjacent to someone else’s birth date.

But where the pattern gets really interesting is that so far we have a string of death dates forming a group of three, just like with birthdates. My parents and brother died on the 22, 23 and 24. I then began to wonder if all the death dates, including the two pending ones, are of the same pattern only in reverse. This means that if you go back 9 days from the 22nd you’ve got the 13th. Adjacent to that is the 12th, forming the group of two to go with the group of three.

Can’t find a pattern with years, but here’s another possible pattern with months. I wrote the numbers 1-12 in a circle like on a clock. I made two “clocks.” Only the numbers represent months instead of hours. On one clock I colored in the numbers representing the months we were born which are January, April, June, August and December.

On the other clock, I colored the three months my parents and brother died which were February, September and December. When I colored in the months of April and August and then merged the two clocks, it lined up perfectly when I matched the pattern based on the spacing between the numbers that were colored.

So does this mean my sister and I may die on April 12, April 13, August 12, or August 13?

SATURDAY, JANUARY 20, 2018 I had this dream last night that I went to the hospital in labor. I was both alone and terrified. Never before had I had a dream like that and again I wonder about parallel lives. I was so terrified that I woke up. Never did feel any pain in the dream, though.

Then in another dream, Tom and I were thinking of having me artificially inseminated. I wrote about it in a letter to my parents who were still alive, knowing they would likely disagree with it since they’d always encouraged me to skip kids and enjoy life and living. Determined not to be persuaded by anyone, to live for myself and make up my own mind, I was thinking of backing out just because I didn’t want to have to work so hard in that kind of way on something that brought so much noise and so many expenses. I really did value my freedom, too.

I thought of something really cool that Tammy could do with her second sink. I always thought it was kind of silly to have two sinks in one bathroom, but then I realized one could be filled with water and bamboo plants. All they need is water, after all. That would look weird yet kinda cool.

I honestly don’t see the point in the women’s march. I still say that while most men may not be “gay by action,” they’re still “gay at heart,” always favoring each other and preferring each other to women. So I think that as long as that attitude remains, and it is human nature to favor one’s own kind, things aren’t going to change. But I also can see where sitting back and just taking their shit in silence isn’t going to help either.

Most people may be quick to say that violence never solves anything but when you think about it, maybe it does. Maybe sometimes it really is necessary to step on people to get what’s right and the only way to put people in their proper place. Maybe things won’t change with women until we’re willing to enact the same kind of violence and control upon them as they have with us. For example, look how fast blacks got ahead compared to gays. Now they have more rights than whites ever had, even if some people aren’t willing to admit this. Gays always went about protesting and fighting for their rights in a calm and peaceful way. But the blacks didn’t. And no matter what anyone says, ever since the LA riots, the law has tended to favor them in most places because cops and judges are getting sick of being accused of racism. Even today, that’s all you fucking hear about. People will always do whatever works for them in order to get ahead. Right or wrong, it’s human nature to do so. As long as playing the race card works for them, they’re going to keep on doing it. Meanwhile, women need to start doing what’s going to work for them and I really think resorting to violence may be the only way if they want men to stop deciding what they can and can’t do with their own bodies, for example.

Tom, however, thinks violence won’t help and that they’re doing a fine job. There are more women in politics, the military, and just about everywhere, he says.

True, but they’re still not being paid fairly and are still being told how to live their own lives.

So Leslie Van Houten has once again been denied parole. Sometimes I wonder why she even bothers to try. I don’t know that I would bother wasting my time if I were in her shoes.

I do agree, however, that it was wrong of the courts to approve her parole and then deny it simply because Manson died and they’re afraid of creating a so-called new Manson Family. Did they expect Manson to live forever? Besides, any sicko can follow in his footsteps anytime. But you know how the law is, they can do whatever the fuck they want. They’re above the law and nothing is illegal for them. I’ve seen this firsthand. When you make the laws you can break them, too.

Do I think she should get out simply because she was young and under a horrible influence at the time of the murders? Absolutely not. I heard her once say that she doesn’t understand why she’s still being punished for something she did when she was 21. I would agree if she had stolen a car or something like that. But this is one case where it’s good to see someone held accountable for their own actions because there are too many cases of others being held accountable for other people’s actions. I’m seeing more and more of this shit lately and it’s sad. I can see if you influence an impressionable child to kill themselves or something, but we really ARE responsible for our own actions as adults who should be old enough to know the difference between right and wrong no matter what. Yet if I were attacked by some random stranger on the street, chances are excellent that they may get off by claiming I somehow provoked them, especially if they weren’t white. Recently there was this sickening case in the UK where a guy got just 3 years for bludgeoning his ex. The courts claimed she provoked the attack by seeing someone else when in reality she’d already left him, not that this should be an excuse to smash someone over the head with a hammer.

But then the provocation argument would surely cease to exist for those who fucked with me, wouldn’t it? How much you wanna bet no one ever asked or suggested if the welfare bums in Arizona just might have done anything on their part to provoke me?

Okay, enough negativity. As it is, I myself hate it when some of my FB buddies post nothing but negative shit as they often do. Yeah, the world can be both depressing and scary. And yeah, I wonder if violence and vigilantism may not be such a bad idea in some cases, but life is never going to be fair no matter what.

Anyway, we’re not doing much today. I’m doing laundry and just relaxing for the most part.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 19, 2018 Damn Amazon and their glitches! I swear something up there does not want my books to get any reviews. Aly left a review but it’s not visible. This isn’t the first time this has happened with reviews not posting so I finally complained to Amazon, assuming I complained in the right place. Amazon is a very complex site and they make contacting them rather difficult. Either way, I’m pretty much counting on not getting any reviews at this point. In fact, I may quit publishing with them because it’s too much work for too little money. It was just meant to be a fun hobby of mine anyway.

So I’m going to be quitting two things, sugar and not writing but probably publishing. the odds of making any real money in writing have always been like winning the lottery just like with trying to get a record contract or something like that. Besides, I learned years ago that you can’t make something be that wasn’t meant to be. That’s okay. I can still have fun with it and I will.

Just like sleeping normally and having a woman I was really attracted to wasn’t meant to be, I learned years ago that I wasn’t meant to have a job or career of any kind either so maybe that’s part of why the reviews aren’t “meant” to go through. I mean maybe something up there is interfering with reviews because the more reviews you get, the more notoriety I would think your books get. It’s so fucking frustrating, though, and I’m so pissed because Aly would have gladly read and reviewed everything of mine. This may have really helped, too. Then again, during the time I had the two books published, I had four-star ratings and still didn’t make shit. So it isn’t about the ratings but about fate. What if I was suddenly a perfect singer who was also young and gorgeous? The odds of this earning me much money are next to nothing.

Although it was fun to try, I don’t think I’m going to get this peel-off nail polish again. It actually takes longer to peel the damn stuff off than it does to remove it with nail polish remover, and the ones with glitter wash off every time I wash my hands.

Today is the sunniest it’s been in a while, so I went down to the lake. It was cold enough to see my breath in the air but otherwise gorgeous.

The doll is still listed as “awaiting shipment.” It’s already the weekend in China so I guess she’ll sit there at the factory waiting to be picked up until Monday.

Last night I dreamed I was waiting in a large waiting room with a couple of detectives. I don’t know if I was a witness or why I was with them, but I wasn’t handcuffed or anything, so I guess I didn’t do anything wrong. It seemed like we’d been sitting in the room forever with dozens of other people when I complained about getting tired and wanting to go home. One of the female detectives insisted I stay, though.

Then I dreamed that Virginia was sitting at a small card table at the side of the road where it forms a T on Oak. She asked us when we expected to move and we both told her we had no set moving date. She seemed irritated and said something about getting people upset by not knowing exactly when we would move.

In another dream, I was at Mary’s place when I felt a fork underneath her carpet. I thought that maybe if I turned it upside down somehow the tines wouldn’t poke through the carpet but wasn’t able to maneuver the fork around through the thick carpet.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 18, 2018 Woke up to the exciting news that the doll is shipping from China today. Not only that, but she showed me pictures of the doll and both heads and they’re exactly what I want. They got the right faces, eye colors, and wigs. She’s absolutely gorgeous. Just a little too titsy. Now I just have to hope I can handle the bitch! It’s exciting after wanting this for so long. It’ll be like getting two dolls in one. Maybe even like four in one since a drastically different eye color can give one’s face a different appearance.

I didn’t realize it but she’ll have standing feet. This is fine even though she’ll have three screws in each foot as I don’t expect to see the soles of her feet very easily. Still don’t understand how throwing a few screws in the feet can stand and balance an 80-pound doll but I will soon find out.

While $740 is a lot of money in itself, I got a smoking deal! These aren’t the Bentleys of these dolls but they’re the Caddys. A low-ender without a second head is usually over a grand, so to get a high-ender with an additional head for less than a grand is a great deal.

Realizing that I’m probably never going to get any reviews on my books at this point and that Stacey probably isn’t going to check them out anyway, I went ahead and sent her a message. I just can’t get anybody to leave me one single fucking review but I guess that no reviews are better than bad reviews. I was going to wait until I republished Evil Amongst the Evergreens before contacting Stacey, but again, even if she did at least check my book page out, I can’t see her buying anything. I told her that if I didn’t get a message confirmation from her within a week or two, I’ll call her. So around February 1st, I’m sure I’ll be calling.

I was going to wait a couple of weeks after sending Palma’s message before I shared and tagged one of her memes, but I might wait and at least see if I can see some activity on her account at some point. She has gone a month or so without posting in the past, so unless she’s posting things I can’t see, there’s a chance she hasn’t checked in since I sent the message. I was kind of hoping she would see it and be like, oh no! I don’t want her sharing and tagging me, so I better at least give her a confirmation.

I really think that’s why Scot blocked me; not because I messaged him but because I shared one of his memes. Could be a power and control thing too, but who knows and who cares? I say what I have to say and leave it at that but it would definitely be nice to at least get something from Stacey.

After having to hear landscaping every single fucking day so far this week, I’m really hoping it will start raining and keep things quiet today. Really, I’ve had enough.

Unless she has a legitimate excuse, I’m a little disappointed in Aly. I was under the impression days ago that she was going to tell me she finished the book and left a review. But I guess it’s normal for her to take a handful of days off from the Internet here and there because Kim says she hasn’t heard from her either if I can believe Kim, and I think I can in this case. I sent Aly a text and an email but the rest is up to her.

Today I’m going to finish the housecleaning. I’m doing my least favorite chore which is dusting. Then I’ll order groceries, hit the Bowflex and do my usual editing and things like that.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 17, 2018 This is it! I’m SOOO excited! The doll I’ve been wanting for about 13 years is now on its way! Ordered from AliExpress and she came to a total of $740. What’s really cool is that the owner in Guangdong, China is sending a bonus head! They’re both Asian and I’m calling them Gia and Suki. Gia has squintier eyes and you can see four of her upper teeth because her mouth is a little more open than Suki’s, who has larger eyes that appear a little more round in shape.

I only have to hope for two things and that’s that they don’t fuck up the order and that I really can lift what’s going to be a 70-80-pound doll. Not sure if she’s 5‘3” tall or 5‘5” tall because they list both heights, but she’s going to measure 35.4–23.6–35.4. These are approximations. The only thing I don’t like is that she really does have huge tits. Just as long as I can lift her!

The two heads I chose are two of the most beautiful faces I’ve seen of all the various types of dolls I’ve looked at. I decided to go for the face, like Tom suggested, as that’s what I’m going to see the most. We’ll just have to hope I’m as strong as we think I am, but in the worst-case scenario, I can wheel her around in my desk chair.

The Yuna doll was nice but I think she was a little anorexic and that I would have had a hard time fitting clothes on her. These faces are much nicer and even more realistic, however. She won’t be quite as well proportioned as my manikin, but she will be more realistic. Her hips and tits will be a little bigger than the manikin’s but her waist will be a little skinnier. I was tempted to ask for a doll with flatter tits in which they have a black doll featured in but I didn’t want to end up confusing them. Their English is shitty enough.

If they don’t botch the order, one will have brown eyes with a short black wig, and the other will have blue eyes with a long brown wig with streaks of blue and green towards the ends.

It’s pretty damn exciting! Like I said, I just hope I can handle this bitch. She’s actually considered a bit plump for one of these things. But I focused on the face and not only got one great face but two. And all for less than a grand. Yuna would have been just over a grand. Furthermore, I was just on time because they just raised their prices on this brand which is called 6YE. I first noticed them nearly a year ago and while I immediately loved them, they were always over a grand or two.

She’ll be here in 8-16 days! Really would like to know exactly when she’s coming because I’m guessing someone will have to sign for her. I’m hoping Tom will be here when she arrives because the package itself is going to be 92 pounds.

Haven’t heard from Aly in a few days. I guess I will hear from her in spurts but that’s okay. I’m just glad to have her back in my life even if she was a bit contradicting in a funny way. She may have been dishonest in the past but this is the first time I’ve known her to be contradicting. She said she missed having someone who didn’t judge her too much yet that was supposed to be the reason she dumped me back in 2016. She also always used to say how forgiving she was, yet she just admitted she’s not.

I skipped my meds today because I had some anxiety the last couple of days sitting in my chest. Nothing serious but enough to be noticeable and that was enough for me to take a day off. It won’t hurt to do that every now and then. It sure was nice to be able to go straight for the coffee, too.

Last night was the first time I dreamed in four different languages and everything I said was actually correct too, LOL. Someone was asking me how to say grandmother and grandfather in German and I told them Großmutter and Großvater. But then they asked if there was a way to simply say granny or grandpa instead. Oma and Opa, I told them.

Then someone asked me how to say grandmother in Spanish and I told them “abuela.”

Then I was reading a comment I got in Italian, and in the dream, I knew it was some kind of negative comment about something I wrote about my pets. I only remember the word “animali” which is plural for animals. Deciding to play dumb, I told them I couldn’t read Italian.

I also dreamed about chatting with Adonis, and some estranged family member showing up at some family gathering. I don’t know what side of the family the girl was on but it looked like a heavy teenage girl with red hair.

In the last dream, I seemed to be sitting in a row of seats watching or listening to someone as I ate one granola bar after another. My dream self thought that the guy near me must think I was a major pig, haha.

Speaking of eating… I saw a fascinating YouTube video on the negative effects of sugar and I’m seriously contemplating not quitting sugar altogether but cutting way down. It’s said to be more addicting than cocaine according to an experiment with lab rats. It definitely seems that the more sugar you have the more you crave it.

I was surprised at the many benefits besides the obvious ones… Sugar being bad for your teeth and putting you at risk of diabetes and obesity. Quitting sugar is supposed to improve bad breath, eyesight, skin, blood pressure, bad cholesterol and much more like our mood, sleep cycles and quality of sleep while leaving us less sluggish when we’re awake.

The most surprising thing I learned was that sugar can affect asthma as well as brainpower. It affects learning and memory. Furthermore, it’s an inflammatory substance that can lead to inflammation like acne. I wonder if getting rid of sugar would help my rash. I’m soon going to find out! I’m not going to cut back on sugar forever but I’m going to try to eat as little of it as I can for as long as I can stand. I will also be lowering my risk of Alzheimer’s and heart disease this way.

They say that by eliminating 10 teaspoons of sugar a day from your diet which comes to 40 grams, you’ll lose a pound every three weeks. Women aren’t supposed to have more than 25 grams of sugar a day, men no more than 37 grams. I know I won’t lose weight because I just don’t have the metabolism to do it, but I’ll gladly take the other rewards I may reap if I can stand to stick it out.

It really does seem that once so much junk became so readily available was when I started having more cavities and other issues. I know I’m older and that I have Hashimoto’s but maybe I would be 10 pounds overweight instead of 30 if there wasn’t so much temptation everywhere I go.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 16, 2018 I was reading about Nostradamus’s predictions for 2018. Sorry guy, but you’re just too general with your predictions to be taken all that seriously.

He talks about earthquakes and natural disasters but these things happen every year all over the world, some years worse than others. Yes, the world will likely end someday and maybe due to war, but I don’t see it happening anytime soon. I think we’re still 100-200 years away from that. Or maybe it won’t be a war that ultimately ends the world. Maybe it will be some disease that spreads quickly that we can’t control. Anything is possible, but I don’t see the economy collapsing and World War III happening this year.

I do cringe a bit every time our wonderful president goes on one of his bullying sprees. I mean he’s how old? To see “leaders” with this degree of immaturity is really sad. I still can’t believe, with all the obsession with political correctness and bleeding hearts for minorities, that this cock still managed to get elected. Then again, he didn’t “win.” Hillary actually got more votes. I’ll never understand for the life of me why some could be against Hillary over some emails while they welcomed this woman-hating pervert.

Most of us are willing to admit and accept that some breeds of dogs tend to be more trouble than others. So then why can’t we admit that some groups of people tend to be more trouble than others? Well, we can’t. That’s why it still stuns me to this day that such a hater got elected.

ROTFL! Tammy says my new shoes are ugly. Gotta love that girl’s honesty.

I was contacted by Caitlyn and given the YouTube channel link to the series she’s featuring me in. I had to laugh when she mentioned me being in my 50s and so I’ve lived a “long time.” LOL, yeah, compared to a 14-year-old. It was cool to hear my journal read and to be part of her series. She just needs to raise the volume. She’s got good potential as a narrator, though. It was just a bit of a struggle to hear her.

It’s a wet morning out there but not that cold. We went walking down to the lake and got back just in time because it started pouring after that. I don’t mind getting caught in the rain but not when it’s cold. That’s something I don’t mind in the summer only it almost never rains here in the summer.

My goal is to have Evil Amongst the Evergreens republished the weekend of the 27th-28th with the edited version and new cover design. I think I can get it into my publishers at Amazon by then. It’s just that I still prefer to do my own editing as much as I hate it. It’s the most tedious part of writing a book. Of course I tipped Maliheh off just to worry her a bit at the two email addies I know of hers.

Yesterday I was slightly anxious for the first eight hours or so of my day. I don’t know if I’m pocket-flaring or if it’s the perimenopause. Even though I’m through the worst of it, it’s certainly not 100% gone. Today I’m better, though not as calm as I’d like. I figured it would be back to haunt me soon enough, only I’m smarter now. I’ll skip my meds if I have to in order to keep it from getting worse and to the point where my heart gets in on the action and I have the runs. I took it today but I cut my waiting time to 20 minutes before diving into my coffee. Loving the new coffee maker so far. It has a bigger reservoir and it seems to heat up faster.

Waiting for the sun to come up a bit and then I’ll finish with today’s cleaning and get to work editing as well as on my current book which I’m still writing. So I’m editing an old book while writing a new book. It keeps me busy. At the end of the day, I’ll indulge in audiobooks and coloring. I didn’t realize my Only Girls coloring book was as explicit as it is, haha. After I get a few more that I want to get I’ll probably just print out my own coloring pages. They have millions of them on Pinterest and this way I can get exactly what I want. Each book I get has some pages I don’t care for. I don’t like overly detailed ones.

For now, I’m just enjoying the peace until the daily onslaught of landscaping and traffic sounds come to steal the peace.

Palma doesn’t appear to have been on Facebook yet this year unless she’s posted anything I can’t see. Either way, I know I’m not going to hear from her any more than I’ll ever hear from Kathleen. I just hope she at least gets my message.

I swear my sleep is cursed no matter what. I woke up because Tom accidentally told Alexa to turn on the bedroom light. Either that or Alexa thought “rat room” was “rainbow.” We should change one of those room names since they’re too similar. For now, I’ll flip that switch off before I crash. I also woke up several other times and not due to traffic. There’s no doubt in my mind my sleep is cursed. I just don’t know why. Because I don’t have to get up to an alarm regularly? I don’t know about that because I have sleep issues stemming back to childhood. Unless there is an afterlife in which we learn all the answers to the mysteries of this life, I’ll probably never know. It’s just more than obvious given the excessive amount of sleep disturbances over so many decades that yeah, it’s cursed.

MONDAY, JANUARY 15, 2018 I dreamed that my mother died all over again only this time I learned of it from I don’t know who. I was trying to get a hold of Tammy to ask why she didn’t tell me herself. Before this, I was talking to the mystery guy that notified me. After spelling my name wrong and then correcting myself, I gave him my name to verify my identity. Then I was showing him my passport in person a split-second later.

In another dream, I was standing in my maternal mother’s bathroom and saying, “It looks so old now but seems smaller than I remember.”

In real life, we went out to Jack-in-the-Box as well as Walmart yesterday. It was pretty dead and it would’ve been quiet save for the blasting music in both places. I really hate having loud music forced on me when I eat and shop. Is this a California thing or does this happen everywhere?

Anyway, I got a breakfast platter full of calories and cholesterol I definitely don’t need, and then I got a few things on clearance at Walmart. A pink sleepshirt with sheep all over it to lounge around in, super comfortable pink and purple shoes with a memory foam sole (size 4 girls), and the perfect shade of light pink lipstick that’s noticeable but doesn’t stand out like a neon sign in the night.

The sleep shirt has a small tear in the seam at the side so I’ll have to sew that. Should only take a sec.

Wish I could say I was feeling great but I’m not right now. I feel a touch anxious so I may skip my meds tomorrow to play it safe. We went out walking in the middle of the night and it was gorgeous. It was foggy and the air was dead still as it was dead quiet. I loved it and knew it was only a matter of hours before the peace was spoiled with the sounds of landscaping and traffic.

When we returned from what was just a 15-minute walk down to the lake and back I felt oddly fatigued as well as a bit wound up. I had some of my special tea but that didn’t help at all. Instead, I just felt drowsy on top of wound up. No racing heart, though, or hot flashes. Hopefully, some of the anxiety is just due to it being Monday morning and knowing he’s not going to be around as much the next five days.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 14, 2018 Wow, Tom said there were motorcycles tearing by that I managed to sleep through today.

I got a message on another site I keep journals on from a teenage girl in Alabama named Catelyn who hopes to make a career out of YouTube someday. She wanted permission to use my journal on a series she’s doing, saying she wouldn’t receive payment or anything like that for it. She said she liked the way my journal was detailed, went far back into the past as well as the present, and was consistent. She pointed out that many other journals weren’t updated regularly and only contained a few sentences.

I guess she wants to do a series on different people’s lives, so I said sure, she could use my journal, and she thanked me for the “amazing opportunity,” LOL, and said she’ll pass along the link to it once it’s up. So that was a pretty interesting request.

Aly bought and read Locked-In, liked it for its inner dialogue/thoughts and is going to leave a review on it. She did say she caught a couple of grammatical errors and asked if I wanted to be told about them. Definitely, even though editing is a pain in the ass and not the simple task it should be as it is with editing blogs.

Saw something strange here in the middle of the night last night, though I don’t think they were up to no good. The gates are closed at that time and you have to know the code to get in. At 4 AM I happened to be up and noticed the sound of an engine idling close by. I looked out the living room window and saw a man and a woman sitting in a car in front of our place. The interior of the car was lit and the man seemed to be going through some papers that were either stapled together or attached to a clipboard. The car then backed up in front of Bob and Virginia. I know they saw me at that point, which was what I wanted them to do just in case they did have any ill intentions in mind. But then they pulled back in front of our place and appeared to be in a heated debate, though not necessarily arguing. I think they were truly trying to find someplace and were frustrated and confused despite the odd hour. They left a minute later.

Who were they? Why were they here? Where did they go?

The only thing I remember from last night’s dream was being in a pool somewhere with Tom and half a dozen other adults. A small patch of sunlight was shining on a section of the pool. I tried to follow it but it kept moving. At first, I was treading water with my hair up in a bun, not wanting it to get wet. But then I floated onto my back, not caring that it was now wet. I swam up to Tom a minute later and said some nonsensical thing about seeing Melanie (from AZ) later on for counseling and that my hair would be all curly then.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 13, 2018 That’s TWICE this week that I’ve been woken up. This is fucking ridiculous. Worst place I ever slept. At least since knowing Tom, it is if you don’t count jail or hotels. The windows were a complete waste of time and money. :(

If I don’t hear from Palma over the next couple of weeks I’ll share one of her memes and tag her in it with a message asking her to check her non-friend inbox which is something not everyone does. From what I can see of her timeline which seems to be mostly public, she shares stuff every few days to every month. Her whole life must be her job and kids so I doubt she has much free time for social media. This means that even if she does check messages from non-friends, it could be a while.

While I still wish one of the more memorable people from my past would contact ME for once on their own, it would still be nice to get some type of acknowledgment/reply even though I’m not expecting one any more than I did with Dr. O. A part of me is a bit surprised Dr. O didn’t block me as well but by doing that she would have to acknowledge that she got my message. I can see where it’s probably more important to her to appear as if she didn’t even get it.

Sometimes I wish I could forget others as easily as they can forget me. Like Norah M, for example. Like she even remembers my name?

While I’ll always appreciate the help Palma gave me years ago, I realize I wouldn’t want to be her friend. As in a friend I saw in person. I get the impression we’re too different. I know we had some common ground and I’m sure we still do, but the last thing I would want would be to sit and discuss kids and God or something like that. Sorry, but just not my cup of tea. Her oldest kid is in her late 20s and is a nurse practitioner. The other two girls and the boy seem to range from age 6-7 to about 14-15.

Anyway, she looks a lot like she did when I last saw her. Just a little older and a little heavier but definitely not obese.

I exchanged tweets and messages with Aly and Kim, and now I’m doing laundry. Thanks to being woken up and a little on the tired side I doubt I’ll have the energy for working out tonight. That’s why I try to push myself to do it when I have the energy. While the nights will always be quieter it will also always be harder to sleep during the daytime. They both have their pros and cons. I hate being up with all the distractions during the daytime but there’s something about being on nights that makes me lazy. I don’t seem to want to be as active physically.

Seriously though, if I had to be cursed with CRD did I also have to be cursed with being the lightest sleeper on earth? He can sleep through anything with no sound machines. Me? I blast sound machines and I still get woken up. It was the garbage and green waste trucks that did it. Driving less than 10 feet from the bedroom makes the whole room vibrate.

My new earrings, pink teardrop gems on silver chains, are the best yet! They look almost normal. Almost. So now I know what kind to get that will fall more evenly. The one on the bad ear is just slightly higher than the other one but not as noticeable as the other earrings. They’re quite a pincher, though. They pinch harder than the other ones, especially the good ear. I can’t see myself wearing them all day. Out to the store or out to an appointment, sure. But that’s about it.

Got my new red wine-colored Keurig today. My violet one was definitely having issues with the heating mechanism firing. It just wouldn’t always fire up and I would have to restart it. It can be put away as a backup since it still works at times. My new one is less technical so hopefully, it will last longer than two years.

I wasted 23 minutes on the phone on hold waiting for Dr. S’s nurse to tell me what I already knew. A message was left for me to call back a couple of days ago. What’s the point of having the online portal if they’re just going to call you anyway?

Not sure why, but I have a headache now. Could be due to lack of sleep or from wearing my hair up for too long.

Last night I dreamed that Tom and I were getting blood drawn only it wasn’t by someone drawing it from our arms. Instead, Tom took two syringes and extracted our “blood” from something attached to the wall.

Then I dreamed I was finishing packing and leaving to go on vacation for a week. Tom was with me as I was leaving what looked more like a room or an apartment in a building than a house. I slipped off a rocker switch and said something like, “Bye room.”

THURSDAY, JANUARY 11, 2018 Wow, life really is full of surprises! I found Palma on Facebook! Having been running my old journals through Grammarly, I got to reading about those times in 2000 and was missing her. But how could I find someone with just a first initial J and a common last name? Multiple variations of keyword searches brought me nothing. I’ve actually made a few attempts over the years. I went with the first names that would come to mind… Juanita, Juana, Janessa, Janelle, Jada…

Then it hit me like a bell in the night that the first two initials on her nametag were actually JM and not JA. So I ran the name JM Palma on Zabasearch and came up with three possibilities. Kind of surprised by what her first name is. It’s also kind of ugly.

Anyway, I thought there was an uncanny resemblance as soon as I saw her picture. Given the passage of 17 years and the fact that they had to wear their hair up and different lighting/angles of the pics, some of her pics made me wonder at first. Otherwise, there was the same curly frizzy hair, the dark eyes with lashes that sort of shot straight out rather than curled upward, the perfectly tweezed eyebrows that formed a perfect arc, the same nose and lips I remembered as well as teeth so perfect that she probably had braces, assuming they’re real, and I think they are.

She moved from Glendale where she’s from to Goodyear, Arizona and is now married to a white guy with four kids. She was single with one kid when I knew her, and I think she’s about five years younger than me. Most of her posts seem to be about old shows/items, God, and support of diversity, even gays. Hardly any political posts, so that’s nice.

She worked at the MVD before becoming a detention officer from 2000 to 2004. Now she’s working at some nuclear energy generating power plant. She doesn’t list her time as a DO and has no work history for those years listed so obviously she doesn’t want just anyone to know about it. Maybe her temper got her fired? A lot of people in law enforcement don’t do it their entire lives because it’s so stressful. I checked her friend list and found she has a couple of friends who work in the Department of Corrections, and one of them was S Nottelmann, another DO I remember well. They used to work together quite often in A Tower, so this pretty much confirmed her identity in my mind.

I don’t think Palma had a crush on me as well, but she was definitely my candle in the dark that helped brighten an otherwise super shitty situation and that helped deter my mind from how much I missed Tom, home and the pet rats we had at the time. Other inmates did think she had a crush on me too, but either way, I miss some of the times we would share jokes and stuff like that. The officer some considered a bitch as well as “cool” definitely did seem to favor me but then so did a handful of DOs because they felt bad for me for being there for something I shouldn’t have been jailed for even if I had been totally guilty of those words on paper. You know, as opposed to actual actions? Nonetheless, mutual crush or not, I always admired the officer who could put a smile on my face when I would break into a fit of tears and who let me swear and shout up a storm when I would become frustrated and angry even though she could have easily broken me in half as if I were merely a wishbone if she wanted to.

It’s all pretty exciting to have finally found her! Can’t wait to send her a message even though I don’t expect a reply.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 10, 2018 Just got done adding Aly to my contacts on my phone. She gave me both her phone number and her current email address.

Sure enough, I didn’t even make it a lousy month after my last period before the water started building up on me. I’m back up to my high of 155. Sadly, it takes work to keep from climbing into the 160s which my body would love to do. Someday I’ll let it, but it’s too soon.

I didn’t work on my story last night (tonight I’ll make up for lost time) but instead, I was doing what I’ve been doing for many months now…researching TPE sex dolls. There’s a new doll called Yuna. She’s listed as Chinese but personally, I don’t think she looks it. She’s still beautiful. What makes this one unique is that she sort of has her tongue in a position where she’s about to stick it out like to lick an ice cream cone or something even though it doesn’t actually protrude past her lips. It sticks out just beyond her upper teeth and rests just inside her lower lip. I could still put lipstick on her easily enough.

She’s on Fine Love Dolls for $1700. There I can get her in a slightly more realistic body that’s a couple of inches taller than me, about 65 pounds, and with a 24” waist. For a grand, I can get her a couple of inches shorter than me at 60 pounds but with a 20” waist on AliExpress. That’s awfully skinny but $700 is a big savings.

I was researching and researching away and then when I finally fell asleep all I did was dream of these dolls. Don’t remember much detail other than asking Tom to help find one’s body parts I had packed away somewhere (guess I only kept her head out) because I supposedly read that you could dance with her, LOL.

I got a couple of pairs of earrings (pink dangles and clear dangles), a lesbian adult coloring book, and a new Keurig in dark red because my violet one was turning off quite often and I figured it was only a matter of time before it quit altogether. I only got it two years ago, though, so it does seem a bit soon for it to be having issues.

Keurig saw my tweet about it and asked if I reached out to their customer service number with my issues, saying they wanted to help. Too late, but I’ll keep the purple one as a backup since it’s not completely broken.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 9, 2018 Tammy left a message on Facebook saying that she was getting better but still tired. She was waiting for a nurse to come to the house. I realized she definitely can’t be doing that well if she needs to have a nurse come out and help her. It really sucks.

Tom and I were talking about her and her health and we both agree that while she may exaggerate her condition which Tom says is often human nature, we don’t think she has anything that literally constitutes Munchhausen after all. She’s not fabricating her problems. She’s just getting off on the sympathy she’s getting from what she really does have. At least that’s the impression I get. She’s exaggerating and sucking up what she can get from her illnesses, but she definitely didn’t make up her pneumonia anymore than her heart attack or fibromyalgia.

Coincidentally or not, Aly’s disappeared a second time since reconnecting after having just moved. She did tweet a few hours ago that things are kind of shitty there and that she would explain and catch up on things soon. I don’t doubt that she’s busy and that things do come up, but we’ll see how often she happens not to be able to check in for a handful of days at a time. Kim’s pretty busy most of the time yet she manages to be pretty consistent, and this is even with being punished all the time for lying and other things.

Something woke me up this morning but I otherwise slept okay.

Now that the rain is over I should be able to get back outside for my walks as long as I’m willing to put up with the cold.

Last night I dreamed it was late at night and Tom and I entered this hotel. He suddenly shot off running ahead of me as if to say, “Catch me if you can!” He disappeared into an elevator and was gone in a flash up to our third-floor room. I realized I suddenly felt a bit spooked, alone with some guy entering the building behind me, and then I ran into a different elevator. Only it had buttons for just two floors. So I stepped out of the elevator, relieved to see that there were now a few couples milling about in the corridor and found an elevator with three buttons that would take me to the third floor.

MONDAY, JANUARY 8, 2018 When I realized my curiosity might be coming off as pushy about Eileen’s surgery I told her she didn’t have to talk about it if she didn’t want to and I didn’t mean to make her feel uncomfortable or anything like that. She thanked me for my understanding, saying she didn’t like to talk about it and preferred to focus on life’s positive things like friends like me. This makes me think it’s pretty serious. Like maybe she’s fighting an aggressive form of cancer or something. I’m thinking hysterectomy or mastectomy but I may never know unless she decides to tell me. I don’t know that she’s atheist but I admire how she doesn’t kid herself about God, if there really is one. I know I shouldn’t and that everyone has a right to believe what they believe but when I see people suffering yet continue to praise God and insist they’re oh so loved by Him, it’s all I can do to resist the urge and slap them awake and scream, “This is NOT love! It’s NOT love any more than a man who slaps his woman or a woman who slaps her child! Even if He’s not actually doing this to you, He’s not exactly helping you either, so wake the fuck up!”

I get that it’s a matter of perspective and that some people who go through shit and claim that God was “looking out for them,” means that things could have been worse. True, but didn’t they suffer enough in the first place?

But I understand that many who are suffering have a fierce need to tell themselves that they are loved from above and that out of 7 billion people, they’re somehow special. People have to do what they have to do in order to cope, and I guess this is better than drugs or alcohol, whether they’re kidding themselves or not in the end. I’ve definitely noticed that those who are serious God fanatics do tend to be either very controlling, crazy, or absolutely miserable.

As Tom once pointed out, people tend to be less hesitant to discuss the more serious things. It isn’t just that, though. It’s that Eileen is naturally the type to focus on the more positive things in life no matter what, not because she’s too emotionally weak to address negative issues but because that’s just how she is. Over the years I’ve tried to become similar. I dwelt on too much negativity for too long and have been trying to get more in the habit of focusing on positive things. Not those that have hurt me in the past. Not the horrible things going on in the news. Not the everyday annoyances and inconveniences we all have to deal with. It doesn’t mean I forgot the people of the past who have burned me or that I can’t discuss them, and it doesn’t mean I have my head buried in the sand as to what’s going on in the world, just that I prefer to focus on positive things going on at the present moment. I’ve had enough of the constant overload of racism, diseases and other negative stuff. No, ignoring them won’t magically make them go away but neither will obsessing over them.

I don’t remember much in the way of dreams last night. Tom said something about how we might actually get snow here. It actually does get cold enough but that would be an extremely rare event if it snowed at this elevation and not being overly far to the north.

Got some awesome ideas for the book I’m working on and I’m going to be backing up some of them on Facebook but only Tammy will be able to see most of them. I don’t care if she read them or not. I just think it’s always good to have multiple backups.

Tammy should be home now. I hope so! And I hope this will be the end of her own misery for a while and having to deal with one thing after another after another after another… I swear it seems like things have gotten much worse for her since she moved! I was thinking about how a friend said that suffering is part of the human condition. I know that and I know all about suffering. But it’s just gotten way extreme for her. It at least seems to have gotten to be anyway. Every single one of them has had to be in the hospital in the few years they’ve been in Florida, and two of them were involved in car accidents, one serious. Okay, so is it me or does that seem a bit extreme? Even though I’m still inclined not to believe in gods, devils, angels, ghosts and all that stuff, such extremities do sometimes make me wonder if there’s a health curse on the family. Well, whether it truly is an unusual amount of hardships or not, they really, really deserve a break for once! I can’t remember the last time Tammy was able to contact me about nothing but good things to say. So yeah, life’s been a little too rough on her.

It’s been raining steadily since I’ve been up. I got up in the early afternoon. It would have been nicer if it had rained like this when I was on days because it rarely rains in the daytime and the nights are usually quiet anyway.

Sometimes I get really sick of hearing the guy’s TV at night that lives across from next door. This is the last place I should be hearing anyone’s TV! I’m in a house after all and not an apartment. But I know how poorly most Westerners tend to take to complaints no matter how legit the complaint may be, and since it is easy enough to drown it out with the soft whir of the air cleaner, I just deal with it. I don’t want to have to deal with how they may react along with everyone else around here which they would certainly tell. I have too much of a temper to stand for anyone’s possible rudeness these days. While I prefer to ignore people I don’t like, if I’m not left with much of a choice since they are my neighbors, after all, there’s no saying how I myself may react after years and years of having to deal with problem neighbors like I did before we came here should anyone get confrontational and I doubt there are many people here that could take me, so I don’t want to do anything I would regret, not that I can imagine it coming to that. But since it’s not every night and it’s just a little annoying and not something that’s maddening to the point that Bob’s power tools and hammers can be, I can just deal with it. Bitch about it in my journal but deal with it otherwise. The guy’s probably hard of hearing but why the hell would he open his windows at this time of year? If they’re not then that TV’s got to be OMFG kind of loud!

Oh, almost forgot before I sign off…my hematologist sent me a message letting me know that my bone marrow tested normal as I suspected it would. I really believe it’s just normal for me to have an elevated white blood cell count and sometimes red as well. Even so, I was surprised at the relief I felt when I read his message. I guess maybe in the back of one’s mind, we always know there’s a possibility, no matter how slim it may be, until we’re told otherwise.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 7, 2018 Aly and I have discussed Kim regularly and sometimes Molly as well. Aly has a cousin named Tracy who is mentally ill and has flourished by being in a group home much as Molly has. Yeah, I figured Marbridge is either doing a really good job of keeping Molly off-line or Molly really is a changed woman. Either way, I don’t want to hear from her. Aly says she hasn’t heard from her since August and has no desire to seek her out. We wonder why Kim isn’t in a group home herself. That way she would still be able to get assistance with things like transportation, but wouldn’t have to deal with her SIL that way. Then I realized they may be paranoid about putting her in one since her sister Tracy died in one, despite no foul play being discovered.

She’s talked to both Kim and Molly by phone before and said that it’s natural for Kim’s voice to tremble. Kim continues to insist that she doesn’t know of any disability she has. As Aly said, she is good at denial but is inclined to agree that it might be that her disability is simply beyond her understanding as I suspect it might be. She also wonders how much of the way she’s treated is her fault. We both know she’s not always the most honest about things and when confronted she’ll deflect or play the victim. Aly’s thought of contacting Carol to let her know how Kim feels about the way she’s been treated but doesn’t want to get Kim in trouble.

Yes, I definitely remember how good Kim can be at denial and dishonesty. I wonder how much of her situation may be exaggerated, though I’m inclined to believe most of it. One thing she says that I don’t get is that she gets in trouble for going up and down the stairs on one leg. This mystifies Aly as well. The question is, is she really “abused” or are they just very strict?

Peter O may be the biggest mystery and coincidence of 2018! Aly doesn’t understand the blocking when all he had to do was simply delete me. Whether he deleted or blocked me, why would you add someone and then change your mind right after adding them?

Aly did say that Twitter does sometimes recommend you to people that you’ve been looking in on. So does Facebook do the same thing? But even if I was recommended as a friend to Peter, that doesn’t explain commenting on my comment. Was I recommended to him and then did he check out my profile and then search for my public comments? This doesn’t seem likely anymore than the doc giving him my info.

And then Becky from VH gave me her opinion and a great idea. She can’t swear to it but she thinks he may be disturbed and that he got a hold of his mother’s password and he was messing with me but then decided to block me when he’d had enough, which is why she thinks he may be disturbed. She suggested I return the block in case he unblocks me and starts messing with me again. This was a great idea! Because we connected, he could easily unblock me and then post anything he wanted on my wall before I could catch him.

It’s been a year or two since I’ve visited his profile, so I do find it hard to believe that all of a sudden I’m being recommended to him. And even if I had been, what are the odds of him commenting on a comment that I leave on an article? Probably similar to winning the lottery. He’s got to have gotten my info from his mother. That’s the only way he could know to look for me. The question is why? What was motivating him? What did he hope to gain from me? Another big question is, did he get my info from his mother in a sneaky way without her knowing? Or did she actually divulge patient info to her son? I think the top most likely scenarios are that it’s either one hell of an amazing coincidence, or he somehow got into his mother’s account. I don’t know if he hacked it or if she left it open on a computer that he had access to. The thing is that they live in different states and it’s been a couple of years since I contacted her. So why now???

I googled her to see if anything new came up (much like I did with my first endo) and there was a recent comment that was negative even though most were positive. The negative comment described her as cold, rude, icy and condescending. Yeah, I can see that. She could be stern at times and the last time I saw her she almost came off as a bit icy and like she couldn’t wait to get rid of me.

So…there are four possibilities.

It’s a truly amazing coincidence. His mother did give him my name. He got into her account and found my info. I showed up in his ‘people you may know’ section. Initially, my first guess was number four. Now I’m going with number three. He might’ve gotten scared by my mentioning his mother. Maybe he thought I wouldn’t connect the last name somehow. But when I did, maybe he blocked me out of fear of getting in trouble with his mother over it, and maybe he felt like it was best to get me as far out of the picture as possible so as not to dig the hole deeper. I doubt I’ll ever know but I am laughing at the thought of her getting my message about it. I also looked up the son on Twitter and tweeted to him. He’s either going to be surprised if it’s him and if it’s not he’s going to be in for one very confusing moment! LOL

Not liking the number of dreams I’ve been having where Tom’s died. I never see him die in the dreams and it seems to be a sudden thing and for unknown reasons, but I still hate it just the same. In last night’s dream, I was thinking about how he now knew what it was like to die and whether or not there was an afterlife. Ugh.

Lately, I’ve been obsessed with the idea of having a place, particularly a high-rise condo, with a spectacular view of bodies of water and buildings galore. The story I’m working on is set in a luxury high-rise in New York City. I would never want to live in New York City or any place that was cold and snowy. 26 years of that in New England and 3 in Oregon were more than enough. I know we’ll never be able to afford a soundproof luxury high-rise place but it sure makes for a nice fantasy. Hey, I can dream, can’t I? Just imagine how much detail there would be to look at in the daytime and all the twinkling lights at night. I suppose a dynamic view would be rather distracting, though. The buildings in New York are old and ugly and the Hudson is brown and yucky, but when I was looking at pictures when doing research for my book, I was amazed by even those views. There would be so much to watch all the while giving me more privacy to do so because I wouldn’t be at ground level with it all. One could really get lost in a scene like that and waste time daydreaming instead of working. You know, like I should be doing now. I expected to have chapter 3 of my new book done by now but I’ve been too busy.

I thought of the pros and cons of high-rise living. One of the positives would definitely be that Tom wouldn’t have any landscaping to keep up with. Vehicles and landscaping equipment couldn’t come right up to the bedroom windows either. But the negatives would be hearing people attached to us and I definitely don’t want to return to the days of having to hear TVs blasting through the wall and the floor vibrating from elephant walkers or unruly kids. Another negative would be when it comes to pets. We’d have to go all the way up and down to walk a dog, assuming they’d allow them, and it would be a pain in the ass when dumping the rats’ bedding. You just couldn’t just step outside and throw something smelly in the outside trash if you wanted to.

There can be similar beauty, although maybe not quite as spectacular since you couldn’t see such a vast expanse at ground level, in waterfront homes. Realistically, our best bet would be a manufactured home in a retirement community such as we have here, only I would definitely prefer one with a waterfront view. I also want to get off of busy streets and away from freeways. I can hear a loud car stereo booming down the freeway right now and it just makes my head swim at times. But you know how twisted the laws are. Why stop someone from invading people’s homes with their music and their lungs with their secondhand smoke when you can happily sit back and let illegals come leech off of us at our expense?

Yesterday and today I had some lightheadedness for some reason, but today I’ve been okay.

We ran out to McDonald’s earlier. Although their fries were a little cold and soggy, they were good. Not too salty. I also decided to get chicken nuggets instead of a burger. Tom had his first burger in a while. He tried some new kind of bacon burger but it was too spicy.

Thank you, Walmart, for changing the looks of my pills. Nice thing to do to someone with a medication phobia. I’ve had two pills so far and of course it’s the same stuff (just a different manufacturer), but even so, I had Tom run the number that was stamped onto the pills all the while he was assuring me it was just fine. “Wow,” he said after typing into the computer, “it says here that this is a medication called Levothyroxine, used to treat hypothyroidism, Hashimoto’s…”

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Miss Paranoia can never be too careful.

For a couple of days, I had this strange pain on the side of my left tit. It was a small concentrated spot that almost felt like a sharp cramp or bruise. It’s gone now so I guess I just pulled a muscle. There are muscles that run into the edges of the boobs. Then again, I felt it when I took off my bra.

The mystery of Peter O still remains just that, a mystery. Even if his commenting on my comment was a grand coincidence, it still doesn’t explain why he would deny who his mother was and then run and block me.

I’m never going to know if Doc O read my messages unless she too was to block me because people have the option of making it look like they didn’t get your message if they want. If having the runs, horrible stomach cramps, and a touch of nausea like I had last night is my punishment for messaging her about her son and then tweeting to what might be him on Twitter, it was all worth it. grins mischievously

While I’m glad that the holiday craze is over and I’m looking forward to good things in 2018… the TPE doll, the new roof, the new oven… it sucks that he now has to work 5-6 days a week regularly. That is unless I have an appointment, of course. He does have a couple of weeks of vacation time accumulated but we like to keep those days for appointments and any unexpected emergency that may come up.

Wow, I’m shining my desk lamp on my keyboard and it went from 67% charged to 82% charged in 16 minutes.

Aly moved with her boyfriend to an apartment in central Omaha today and I couldn’t help but laugh when she tweeted that with the help of a couple of friends, they got all their stuff into three vehicles. LOL, we’ve collected so much shit over the years that we could never fit it into three vehicles! Actually, Tom said, we could if two of them were semis. LMAO! So true. We’re definitely going to be traveling light when we leave, wherever we end up. I’m tired of having so much junk to dust and I have no interest in doll collecting anymore. If I don’t need it, I’m not taking it unless I absolutely love it and don’t want to part with it.

WTF? Now it says my keyboard is at 78%.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 6, 2018 Argh! Tammy’s “God” really needs to give her a fucking break in life. For once! Seriously if there’s anything up there that’s not against her it certainly isn’t for her either. She messaged me to say that she’d been rushed to the hospital Friday morning and has been there ever since and probably will be until Monday. She’s got pneumonia. I thought she and the girls all had colds and that she sounded better the last time she left me a VM, but apparently, she never got better.

Really wish she’d quit smoking. The weight gain is worth all the benefits she’d get. I’ve been fat ever since I quit 30 years ago and that’s okay. I can breathe, I’m resistant to colds and other illnesses, and I’ve saved so much money over the years.

Okay, this is too fucking weird. Even if I were the type that didn’t believe in coincidences, there’s no way I could possibly think that this was a coincidence!

Before I get into it, I was really curious as to what Aly would think of this one. So cool that I can go to her with things like this again, too. I really missed being able to go to her for opinions.

Well, I left a comment on a news article and who should comment on my comment but Dr. O’s gay son Peter! That can’t possibly be a coincidence out of all the millions of Facebook users. My research shows her having two daughters and a gay son in New York. I know it’s the same one. It’s got to be. It was definitely her who got the message I sent a few years ago and then the one who viewed my blog from the same place they live in when she told me she was on vacation on the health site and was just checking in, etc.

So anyway, I requested to add him and he said his mother wasn’t a doctor. My intuitive side, besides what I just said in the last paragraph, said he was lying for some reason. Yet he told me I didn’t seem like a threat at all since he was a gay male, now in Iowa, and so he would add me. I told him that as a bisexual woman happily married for 23 years, I was definitely not a threat, but that he didn’t have to add me or anything.

Yet he did, and then we talked weather before he asked me if I was a gamer or a Facebook lurker. When I said neither and that I was an author, I found I was blocked right after I sent him a link to my book page. My first thought was that Facebook thought I was sending spam and blocked me from sending messages. But then I realized I couldn’t view his profile and doubted that Facebook would block me from him altogether. Especially after adding each other.

The question is how he found me and why he commented on one of my comments! He had to have been looking for me specifically. Unless he read his mother’s private messages or she gave him my name, which I highly doubt, did I show up on his ‘people you may know’ section after I checked him out a year or two ago? I didn’t think that’s how it worked, though. I think when we look at someone’s profile they end up on our ‘people you may know’ section. Not the other way around. So then HOW did he find me, WHY did he comment on my comment, and WHY did he block me after adding me???

Before I was blocked I did leave a “thank you for adding me” note on his wall. Could it be some grand and amazing coincidence after all and could the good Doc have spotted my post before she told him who I was and urged him to block me?

Curious to see if I got a reaction from the doctor, I sent the same message to two accounts that I believe are hers. Leaving out the part about being blocked, I said I just wanted to make sure she wasn’t uncomfortable with us being friends and told her I was doing better.

Aly agrees it’s no coincidence and that I probably was blocked by him and not by Facebook for suspected spam. I sent Becky a message about it too, to get her opinion on the matter.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 5, 2018 My Sedimentation Rate ESR (this is the one for inflammation) is 17 which is normal. For women, normal is 0-29 according to the reference range I found on the Mayo Clinic site. So where that’s concerned I have some normalcy.

My white blood cell count is still elevated and my red blood cell count is high but not quite high enough to be red flag worthy. My November tests showed a white blood cell count of 11.5 and a red blood cell count of 4.75. Now my white blood cell count is 11.9 and my red blood cell count is 5.06.

Yesterday I had a few faint spots and I thought, oh no, not this shit again! But the coast has been clear ever since.

The new earrings I got do look better than pierced earrings but if you know to look for it or if you’re an observant kind of person, you can tell they’re still a little lopsided.

The cops were here yesterday and we still don’t know why. Tom was coming home from work when he saw three squad cars in the middle of the park. That section of the road was blocked off so he had to turn around and come in the back gate instead. He can’t swear to it but he thinks they were arresting someone. Jon said he asked a friend about it who lives on the corner there but he didn’t know anything.

After I finish the laundry, order some groceries and do some working out (I think I’ll skip the cardio today and just do strength training), I’m looking forward to starting my next book, Socio. It’s going to be an obsessive love triangle of sorts that takes place in a luxury high-rise, involving two residents and one sociopathic doorman, nicknamed Socio.

I’m so pissed that my state has become a sanctuary state for illegals. That is just so wrong and so backward.

Like many who grew up in New England, my dream was to live in or at least visit California someday. To outsiders, especially children, you tend to have this image of California that for the most part is as far from reality as you can get. The longer I live here, the more fucked up I realize this state truly is. It gives and takes all the wrong things to and from all the wrong people.

To say, “Hey, it’s okay to be illegal. Come on in and enjoy your stay at the taxpayers’ expense,” is quite an insult to California and to those who are from here. I’m sick and tired of illegals getting so many freebies while those who are from here and work hard have to struggle to afford various things. How backward is that? I can’t get disability benefits even though I have a sleep disorder that prevents me from working at a set time outside of the house simply because I didn’t work enough years to begin with. But if you come to my country illegally, you can have it all. Free medical treatment, free money, free housing, free food stamps, free everything.

What’s next? Is Cali going to be the next home for pedophiles and a place where they can go to get all kinds of freebies and special treatment?

Thousands of lazy people come here illegally and instead of having to face the consequences of breaking the law (many of which are criminals in other ways besides not belonging here), they’re giving generously.

Like I said, how twisted, fucked up and backward is that?

THURSDAY, JANUARY 4, 2018 Hmm…someone tried to log into my GoodNightJournal account that I stopped using due to glitches. That’s what the email said that I received, assuming it was legit. It said my account was temporarily locked due to multiple logins. Not wanting to take a chance on clicking the link in the email, I went directly to the site without any problem. I found that I was still signed in and then I deleted the account. So if anyone tries to hack it again, if they really did, good luck with that.

Out of curiosity, I contacted GNJ on Facebook to see what they’d say, and they said they did send the email.

Had fun swapping voice messages on Facebook with Tammy yesterday but did she really need to lie about buying one of my books? First, she tried to tell me that she once bought one a long time ago but didn’t remember the name of it. Then I remembered that she told me she read a manuscript I sent Dad before he died. When I mentioned its title she said yes, that was the one. So she never actually bought anything. She just read a copy of the manuscript.

At least I didn’t have to hear about God and Lisa!

Edited the message I’m going to be sending Stacey in a few weeks on Facebook. Of course I mentioned her inspiring Dr. Goldstein in Locked-In. It will be interesting to see if she buys it but I don’t think she’d be that curious.

Yesterday, having not received a reply to the message I sent Aly on Twitter the day before Christmas and not receiving any tweets from her lately, I started to wonder if she was ghosting me. It wouldn’t be the first time that happened, but I would think that if she ghosted Kim would do the same. But then she tweeted today, promising to catch up and saying that her cold has really kicked her ass and she’s been doing nothing but sleeping. It will be interesting to see if she suddenly has one thing after another that just happens to prevent her from keeping in touch very often.

We’re now about six weeks away from ordering the TPE sex doll. I’m excited! I have picked out and changed my mind many times on many different dolls in the months of research I’ve been doing. For a while, I was set on a pale Asian doll with purple eyeshadow and pink lipstick. But as I’m learning, the makeup is semi-permanent. After a few months, it does fade. Permanent would have been nice but this way the door is open to change and variety. Deciding to go simply based on features and not makeup, I settled on a doll that could be black or Hispanic. Pale skin and white dolls are boring compared to ethnics, at least as far as I’m concerned. The face I chose looks like it could be a dark Hispanic or a light black when done in a tan skin tone. The type of wig she wears determines this as well. The store I like best that really lets me customize the dolls the most doesn’t sell extra wigs or eyes. So I picked out an Asian head that also looks good tanned and this way I could get three races in one, so to speak. I got a long black wig parted in the middle and black eyes, plus a ginger wig with bangs and light blue eyes. I was first tempted to get a 55” body that was only 55 pounds, but her measurements would be too small and she would be too hard to fit in some of my clothes that way. So I chose a 61.4” body that’s 64 pounds with bigger measurements. Her waist and hips would be just a little slimmer than the mannequin’s and her chest would be a lot slimmer. That is unless I change my mind again.

My crotch has been doing weird things. At the end of the day before yesterday as well as the beginning of yesterday, it was burning. First, it burned towards my ass and then towards my clit. Today I’m not having much of a problem. I don’t know what it is I’m doing that makes it flare up or what backs it off. I’m thinking I should try to resist throwing the diaper rash stuff down there so that I can learn to toughen up to the irritation. Especially if it’s never going to go away. I better start getting used to it.

Finally had an interesting dream last night. That quack Venezuelan endo I had was in it of all people. I don’t know where we were but I asked her how many kids she had and she shrugged and said, “I don’t know. 10 or 11.”

I wondered how the hell she could work such a demanding job all day and then go home to so many kids. I know there was more to the dream that I’m not remembering.

Anyway, because the dream put her on my mind, I googled her to see what would come up these days and was surprised at what I found. She’s still down in Orange but now she not only has a promotional video claiming that her parents own a pharmacy which prompted her to become oh-so compassionate and interested in medicine, but she’s also got nine positive reviews and a five-star rating! I’m like, where did all this come from? I wonder if her shitty reviews up here are what prompted her to head south. Maybe she realized she fucked up enough here and vowed to make a change down in Orange. Her voice sounded younger and higher pitched than I remembered it to sound and her accent isn’t as hard to understand as Dr. A’s.

I recently had an idea for a high-rise love triangle story where I would have a woman living with another woman in a high-rise that was probably in New York, but it would be a fancy high-rise with all kinds of amenities that was like a fancy hotel. Her lover would be gone a lot due to her job and she would end up having an affair with the doorwoman/doorman (I haven’t decided which yet) who turned out to get a little possessive, obsessive and jealous. Because she works at home she would be nervous when her lover wasn’t home, etc. I had been unable to think of anyone for at least one of the leads, so maybe I’ll throw good old Doc D in there and torture her. :-)

She’s as attractive as she is ugly. Her worst feature is her ears with the way they stick out. But she has beautiful long black hair to her waist, is slim, has thick eyebrows, and dark eyes which I usually like the best when it comes to eye color. Nice smile, too.

Chatted with Margaret Thatcher. No joke. I walked down to the mailboxes to grab the mail when I saw her coming towards me with her walker as she often visits Bob and Virginia.

“Are you my new neighbor?” she asked. She lives next to where the contractor used to live and the house on the other side of her recently sold. I pointed to our house and reminded her that we met while watching the July 4th parade.

“Weren’t you the one that said I have beautiful hair?” I asked.

Recognition clicked and she asked me why I cut my hair. I told her that I used to dye it and that damaged my hair but now that I’ve switched to stains and a better leave-in conditioner, it’s much healthier. I assured her it grows fast and would be long again soon, LOL.

She said she stopped dying her hair some time ago and I won’t see her as a beautiful brunette anytime soon and then I said, “Your name is Margaret, isn’t it?”

She nodded and said, “There’s only one Margaret T in the park.”

I told her I remember spotting that name in the directory a few years back and thinking, is this a joke?

She said she called some business for some reason and when she gave her name they said, “Look, lady, we’re running a business here. We’ve got no time for jokes.”

Haha, I’d hate to share the name of a famous person.

Anyway, I did a little writing and speaking with Irene for a while in German and now it’s time to switch back to English and get back to work on my editing!

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 3, 2018 And so begins the onslaught of Laubsaugers, lightheads and firecrotches. :( At least anxiety isn’t in the mix. But yeah, the lightheadedness and the burning in the crotch have returned. I just DREAD the day the anxiety returns! And there’s still nothing to say that it won’t either since it hasn’t been more than half a year yet. The burning is worse than the lightheadedness, though.

Dehydration. That’s another thing that the hematologist said could cause an elevated white blood cell count but I’m definitely not dehydrated. If anything I probably drink more than the average person.

I’m seriously considering no longer sharing my book links in blogs. I am so fucking sick of hearing people say they’ll buy my book but don’t. I can only tell what countries sales have been made in and not the individual buyers, but the number of sales is basically a good indicator telling me if all these people followed through on their word or not. Funny, though, how many people suddenly wish they had a Kindle or are so broke that they just can’t afford a lousy $.99. One of my younger followers in New Zealand is going to buy my book as soon as she “figures out” how to get a Kindle. Yeah, right. You figure it out, Nicole. If people aren’t interested then I wish they just wouldn’t say anything at all. Instead, it seems that people feel obligated to say something, even if it’s not true.

Smiling to myself in anticipation of sending Stacey a message on Facebook but I want to wait until the end of the month or the beginning of next month. Definitely not sending it on Valentine’s Day! I drafted a message several months ago and I’ll begin editing it soon. I just didn’t want to jinx anything I might have said so that’s why I didn’t polish it up sooner.

My black Goodwill doll’s head came off. The spring broke and she’s not worth fixing as she was quite old and only cost a few bucks. I put another doll on the rocking chair where she used to sit. A gorgeous, realistic hundred-dollar doll I got on Amazon.

I don’t remember much in the way of dreams. A split second of being wheeled on a gurney by my dentist while I was very sleepy, and something about astral projection. I was telling someone that when I fell asleep, a part of me floated out of my body in the way that those that have had near-death experiences have described and up to the ceiling which was pretty high for the room I was sleeping in. It was a freaky experience and so I urged myself awake to come down from the ceiling before I could go through the roof.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 2, 2018 OMG, I’ve had 44 appointments since switching medical groups in November of 2014! The bulk of them were due to anxiety, too. If the peri and the adjusting of my meds hadn’t caused so much anxiety, then I’d likely have only had a few a year. This isn’t counting my dentist either. Once he gets a raise this spring we’ll probably have to pay even more for insurance because he makes so much money.

Saw the hematologist who was late even though I was the first patient of the day. His Indian accent wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be to understand but I still prefer American female doctors with my own damn accent. They’re the most in-demand these days, so they’re not very easy to get. He was okay, though. Nothing bad but nothing special. He got right down to business and explained most of what I already knew. Didn’t know that smoking can cause an elevated white blood cell count. It’s a good thing I quit 30 years ago. But Tammy still smokes and she says her white blood cell count has been elevated for years. I wonder if that could be one factor as to why.

So is it my autoimmune disease causing it? Yes and no, from what he explained. One good thing is that when you look at the numbers from my last three trips to the lab, the numbers are actually going down. He said that if they were going up, then he may be a little worried, but seems to agree that it’s likely just how I am since I’ve had this for as long as I can remember. It’s likely that the rash I had could explain why the numbers were up and then gradually went down as the rash was treated. The rash isn’t gone but it is better. Could be on its way to getting worse again, though. Having more burning down in the crotch area today. Yeah, I figured it was a matter of time before it got worse again.

So after meeting with Dr. S, I shot on over to the lab which was at the same complex the oncology department is at, and had six vials of blood drawn. They’re going to test for inflammation and for anything bad in the bone marrow. The lab was surprisingly crowded and I had to wait for nearly a half-hour. Either way, I’m virtually positive that all is fine and even he said that 95% of the time labs are negative. He said to call his office if I don’t hear from them online in two weeks.

Then we went treasure hunting at the Eco thrift store as well as Goodwill but didn’t find anything.

We also stopped at Carl’s. I got a breakfast platter. Fucking loud-ass Mexicans, though. Why do they need to talk so damn loud so much of the time? We were the only customers in there but the whole time they were practically screaming at each other behind the counter.

We mailed off Tammy and Eileen’s incense. After asking Eileen about buying one of my books and leaving a review, I saw that she got the message but didn’t reply. I thought it was because she wasn’t interested in buying any of the books, but this morning she told me she had surgery and is still recovering. I don’t know what surgery she had. I asked but haven’t heard back from her even though she appears to have gotten the message. More than likely she really doesn’t want to buy any of the books and that’s fine. I don’t expect to ever make much money even though I’ve submitted Stepping into Psycho for publication. It’s something I’m doing more for fun than for money.

Ordered a refill of my meds. The pharmacist will have to call my doctor. I usually get 3 months’ worth in the bottle the manufacturers use since it’s a common drug.

Last night I dreamed that Nane was my doctor but I barely remember the dream. Then I was talking to some weird pharmacist about some tests that had unusually large ears.

In the last dream, I was living back in Massachusetts and realized I hadn’t had any anxiety since moving back there (I think I was living with my parents?) as I rode my bike to Goldie and Al’s house just to say hi. When I got there, I realized all I had on was a tank top and no pants. The tank top was long so I pulled it down as far as I could to try to make it look like one of those short athletic dresses. No one seemed to notice, LOL, and then I accompanied Goldie to visit someone in the hospital.

Speaking of anxiety, notice I’ve mentioned it less often lately? Yes, I’m doing better. :) Trying not to get too excited and jump the gun, though, and assume the worst of the storm has passed. If I can get to around March or April, then I can start getting hopeful and excited that I could have finally beaten it. Never had anything like it before 2014. It was the WORST experience of my life. I hope that 3-year reign of torture really is over, but just like I’d broken records with going the longest between periods just to get hit with one when I thought I might be done, the anxiety could still return to haunt me. Been a lot less hot flashy too, but again, is that because I’m through the worst of it? Or because it’s cold now?

MONDAY, JANUARY 1, 2018 Citrus Heights, CA Age: 52

Amazingly, I slept through the firecrackers last night. Also amazingly, I made it down to 153.4 pounds from 155.8 but now my body is rebelling against the weight loss by way of being stuck, as usual. I’ll be back to 155 or higher soon enough.

Now if the motorcycles could stop roaring around, I can get some writing done. Oh, to be in Tammy’s park where motorcycles aren’t allowed and they’re stricter with enforcing the rules. The only potential negative to being in a tougher park like that might be that they could nitpick on every little thing.

It took us about four hours but was well worth the time and money to put up our new birch tree mural in the master bedroom. It looks gorgeous and the furniture placed against it doesn’t detract from its loveliness like I worried it might. I love it so much that I may eventually put an underwater ocean scene in the hall. It sure would be nice if we didn’t have the damn grooves and strips that the old-fashioned paneled walls had back in the 80s. I swear our next place is going to be no more than 15 years old! I’ve had it with older places.

Heard Kim’s voice for the first time on Facebook but she sounded weird. It almost trembled robotic-like and like she was about to start crying or something. Tom heard it too and figured she was just self-conscious.

Started off the New Year with some strange dreams. In one dream, Tom rented a mail truck for some reason. From the window of our house, I saw a slim beautiful woman with a sarong over a swimsuit walk up to Tom. They chatted a minute and by the time I got outside, she had gone. I was surprised to learn she was 72 years old.

Then in another dream, I was 15 minutes late for an appointment with Stacey, only Tom didn’t drive me to her building. Instead, a woman drove me and dropped me off with some guy. The guy went somewhere else in the building as I waited in line to check in to see Stacey. I suddenly realized I didn’t have my purse with me and knew I would need it in order to pay the copayment. I went into another room and found that someone had been kind enough to hang it on a hook on the wall for me. While I was glad to find my purse, I was dismayed to have to get to the end of the line and make myself even later for my appointment. I thought of Stacey wondering where the hell I was and whether or not I was going to show up.

[theblackestnight-ffxiv]

[ffxivwrite2023] prompt 9: fair

“What’s got you so wrapped up in your thoughts?”

D’zinhla’s ears twitched as she roused herself. Airraim was looking at her, head tilted curiously, but her eyes betrayed concern. It wasn’t misplaced, she had to admit. Her thoughts had taken a rather darker dive from where they’d begun. Which made her rather reluctant to voice them. “Nothing worth the words,” she said, trying to project just a bit of levity. Just enough to lighten her tone, she hoped.

Airraim’s expression darkened, her brows knitting as she met her gaze steadily.

Ah, well then. That wasn’t going to work. Likely wasn’t ever going to work, really. Airraim knew her heart far too well to be misled, and was far too stubborn to be discouraged. She sighed, bringing a hand up to rub her eyes. “Nothing I want to put in words,” she amended. “I don’t…really want to talk about it.”

“Mmm.” Airraim hooked her foot around the chair at her workstation and dragged it close with a wood-on-stone groan. With the chair positioned closer, she sat in it again, crossing her arms and legs and giving her an assessing look.

She sighed, looking away. “It’s…hard, to talk about. And I don’t think I can put it into words the way I want to. I’ll sound foolish, or I’ll imply something I don’t intend, or-”

“You’re speaking to me, Zinhla, my heart. Since when have you feared I would follow a false implication?” She tilted her head, a ripple of motion that echoed in the fall of her night-dark hair. 

She was right, too. If she couldn’t trust her with her thoughts, who else could she trust? No one, really. Granted, that didn’t make her more inclined to share what weighed on her mind, but it did take the justification out of her fears. She sighed, tracing the grain of the tabletop with her fingertip. “You’re right. Of course you’re right. I just- it’s not a problem that can be fixed, or a misconception to adjust, it’s just. It’s a difficulty I must endure. So I’m reluctant to bring it up. I don’t… I don’t really see much purpose to speaking about it, I suppose. I don’t see what it would make better to do so, if it’s not something that can be solved just by getting a different perspective on it. It’s not a new concern, it’s not going to go away. So, well. I just. I’d rather not, really. And it’s no reflection on you, my love, it’s just…” She waved her hand weakly, then let it fall to her lap, staring down at the table.

Airraim was silent as she spoke, silent and patient as the night, sitting through her pauses as long as they stretched without finishing her thought or taking over the conversation. D’zinhla loved that she would wait like this for her to sort her words and get out the ones she wanted, but this remained a difficult topic, even so. Finally, as the silence extended, she spoke softly. “You’d rather not give it more realness by speaking it.”

“Yes,” she said, her ears drooping and her tail flicking restlessly. “Silly of me, I know, it’s hardly going to change how real it is. Just how…real it feels for me.”

“Because the less it’s spoken, the less you need think on it. I see.”

She let this silence stretch longer. Airraim understood her reluctance, and to speak more on it would be to continue to speak in circles, all the while making it a spiraling mess when it came to actually expressing her thoughts. At some other point she might have thought to do so anyway, to try to spiral it away from where she was, and onto other topics entirely. The thought of evasive conversing tired her, however. All of it tired her. The fact that this was caught up in her mind tired her. 

In the next room, the clock’s bell softly chimed the hour.

She sighed. “It’s not fair.” There.

Airraim didn’t speak. When she looked up from her hands to her partner’s face, Airraim was watching her, head tilted patiently.

She sighed again. “I never wanted to be…this. Any of this. I wanted to… I don’t know. My dreams were small, and they were mine. I thought they were lofty, and from where I was, they were, but after all of this…”

Airraim remained silent, watching her. 

“Warrior of Light, yes, you know that part well, what it’s done to me. But even more. The Echo, to get swept up in this. Being…being born here, on the Source, instead of a reflection. Being more important because of it. It’s- The reflections didn’t deserve it. They all tried so hard. Ardbert, and- and Renda-Rae, and Branden, Lamitt, Nyelbert. Cylva, and Unukalhai, Zero, all the memoriates. Why am I more? Why does it matter that I’m of the Source, possessed of- of more of a sundered soul than the others? Why? Why is it me who can win, when they couldn’t? Why me?” Her voice had picked up, gained heat, and then started to tremble over her words, and when she finished in a rush with her hands curling into fists, it was on a shuddering gasp of breath that she held, trying to fight back the tears threatening.

The silence stretched again.

Her voice was small when she spoke again. “It’s not fair. And I don’t know how I can ever make it right. I don’t know what it would mean to make it right. It’s too late, it’s too little, it’s… it’s not fair.”

A hand rested atop hers, fingers threading between her own, and she squeezed, reflexively. Airraim still didn’t speak. Because what was there to say?

As the first tears slipped down her cheeks, she shook her head and closed her eyes. Her shadow was silent, but right beside her.

[angry-geese]

Can I request nsfw+fluff gojo x fem!reader? (established relationships) Just gojo being horny and needy after weeks not seeing reader due to work. (Uuuu and may I add breeding kink too <3 ) Lmaooo what's wrong with me✋🏻😔 I love your works btw and just take your time💕💕 here *slides a cookie 🍪 *

YESSSS gojo + breeding kink is top tier. i got a little carried away with this one lol

When We Meet Again

Gojo Satoru x Reader

Warnings: shameless smut. oral (fem receiving), creampies, mating press, unprotected sex, fingering, fluff and smut. slight somnophilia (kinda??) fem!reader

Word Count: 3.7k

jjk masterlist

It's well past midnight by the time he gets home.

Save for a single light in the kitchen, the apartment is dark. Leftover pastries sit out on the counter, covered with a bowl to keep bugs from getting to them, alongside your keys, and an empty mug of tea. A grocery list has been stuck to the fridge. A rack of dishes sits beside the sink, drying.

You're not in your usual spot on the couch. He's not surprised. It's late. And though you don't have work in the morning, you were never one to stay up so long. You must have gone to bed already. You might have stayed up had he bothered to tell you he was coming home. But he didn't. His plans changed at the last moment, and not even he knew he'd be back so soon.

He hates being gone this long. He misses sleeping in his own bed. Sometimes he forgets just how cold a bed can be without someone else in it.

The door to your shared room is open. Though it's dark. There's a faint green glow from the alarm clock on the side table. The moon is full enough tonight to provide a bit of light; a pale silver glow fills the room. And there you are, curled up on his side of the bed. In one of his shirts. A black button up that’s a bit too big for you, with sleeves that hang well past your fingertips.

It's not like he can refuse. If he’s getting called out to help, then there's probably not someone who can go in his place. The strongest doesn't really have time to take a vacation. He’s on call 24/7. Between his teaching job at Jujutsu Tech, and the major clans of Jujutsu society constantly demanding his attention, he’s rather short on free time.

It was a tedious job. Not worth his time. Not particularly tough, albeit time consuming. But the previous two sorcerers came back with nothing. And so he was sent out. Cleaning up someone else's mess.

The first week he called every day. The job wasn’t supposed to take any longer than that. Or so you both assumed. As the second rolled through, your calls grew shorter, and less frequent. He found himself frustrated with the lack of contact. It wasn't either of your faults. Your work called for you to be out during the little free time he had. Overtime. When you did have time to call each other, you were often exhausted, and short with him. The distance was putting a strain on your relationship.

The worst part of it all; he couldn't fuck you. And for a man that could go multiple rounds in a day, that was miserable. His love language is touch. Not being able to hold you was… well, miserable.

You don't really know the extent of the effect you have on him.

He's too tired to change, and he showered before he left, so he strips to his boxers and pulls his side of the blankets aside. Tomorrow is laundry day anyway. You always choose Sundays for laundry day, because that's the day before you have to go back to work. There's just enough room between you and the edge of the bed for him to slip in.

When something makes him stop dead in his tracks.

It's your voice. You’re calling out his name. You aren't awake, and though you do sometimes talk in your sleep, tonight is different. When it does happen, it's usually nonsense. Soft, endearing babble that he can't help but listen to. He says your name, softly, but you don't respond. Enough moonlight streams in through the window to see your face. Your brows are knit in concentration—possibly frustration—and sweat beads in your hairline.

Are you having a nightmare?

The bed dips under his weight as he sits, resting a hand on your thigh. Your skin is rather warm, he notes. You roll over onto your side, burying your face in his pillow. He pulls the blankets up, tucking them around your shoulders, as you’ve kicked them down by your feet in your sleep.

There it is again. You say his name, but there's a level of desperation behind it.

There's no denying the wetness between your thighs. You squeeze your thighs together in an unconscious attempt to get some relief. Your breathing is labored.

It's only a moment later that the realization kicks in.

The grin that splits his face can only be described as malicious in nature.

His hand creeps higher on your thigh, nudging the hem of your—his—shirt up. You’re not wearing anything underneath. The sight of your slick cunt is nearly enough to make his cock stand to attention.

His gaze falls to the curve of your hips, just barely illuminated by the moonlight. He likes the light of you in his shirt a little more than he likes to admit. Though he’s never been quiet about how much he appreciates your body.

Your body freezes the moment his thumb grazes across your slit. So does he. You’re so wet. Must be a real nice dream. You roll onto your back, your legs parted slightly. The soft gasps and moans that leave you are like music to his ears. Gojo takes this as an invitation to continue, his hand moving further up your thigh, lazily tracing circles into it.

You must've missed him more than he expected.

Your body registers that someone is touching you before it registers just who is doing such. In your sleepy, dream-ridden state you don't recognize the figure in front of you. In the dim light of the room, you can make out a mess of white hair, and the reflection of dark, round glasses shoved up into his hairline. Gojo’s eyes practically reflect in the dark.

You jolt awake, sitting up. “Jesus christ-”

“‘S just me, Mochi,” he says, though it does little to settle your nerves.

If you weren't awake before, you certainly are now.

“What? You watch people in their sleep now?!” You scold. “‘Toru- you scared the hell out of me!”

You flop back on the bed. The blankets pool around your hips. You reach to pull them back up, finding your bed colder than usual.

"You were calling out my name." He says.

"Oh," you say, and though there's little light in the room, he watches your face flush, "must have been dreaming about you."

“Wanna recreate what you were dreaming?” He asks. Rather smugly, might you add.

You roll your eyes. “Go to sleep.”

"Scoot over then. I'm gonna fall off the bed."

This prompts an evil sounding giggle from you, followed by a: "fall then."

"Alright," he says, rolling over to lay on you, throwing his arm around your waist. You’re effectively pinned under him, as the awkward angle won't allow you any leverage to throw him off. He attacks the exposed part of your neck with kisses, sucking hickeys into the flesh of your neck and shoulders. His hair tickles your skin.

“‘Toru- stop!” You squeal. “Let me go-”

“Not until you apologize,” he says, planting a wet kiss on your jaw.

“Never!”

“Then I guess I won't let you go.”

His arms wrap around you from behind, pulling you flush to his chest. One of his hands finds your own, his fingers lacing with yours. His legs tangle with yours in a way that holds them in place. Worming out of his grip in this position would be a near impossible task.

You suppose there’s worse fates than this.

It would be easier to stay awake if he wasn't so warm. Or if he didn't smell so nice. Or if he wasn't softly rocking your body with each breath he takes. His thumb traces soft circles around your knuckles. Gojo’s breath is warm against your neck, making goosebumps rise along the soft flesh. The steady sound of it is almost enough to lull you to sleep.

"I missed you." You say. Your voice is almost too soft to hear.

“I know.” He says. His arms give your midsection a reaffirming squeeze. “I missed you too.”

“How was work?”

“A shitshow,” he says, leaning to nip at your earlobe, “but I get to come home to you, so it’s not all bad. How’s everything been around here?”

“Quiet.” You say. “Kinda boring without you. I wish you told me you’d be home tonight. I would have done something special.”

“It was a spur of the moment decision.” He says. “I didn't expect to be home so soon either.”

“We should do something tomorrow, then,” you say, “a new ramen place opened up down the street. You know where the old bakery used to be? They leased the place out.”

Gojo hums in response. Ramen sounds nice. Especially now. But he’s too tired and too horny to worry about food. Why have ramen when he has a meal right in front of him? Or a snack, as he often likes to call you. To which you roll your eyes, but there's no denying how he makes you blush.

You take back what you said about finding it easy to sleep. He’s moving around a bit too much for that. Gojo isn't subtle about it either. Nothing about the man is. He foregos subtly in favor of announcing nearly everything he does. Loudly. Who would dare stop him?

But you guess it's part of his charm. His dorky, sappy charm. You’ve kind of signed up for it, so you’re not complaining.

You scoot away from the edge of the bed a bit, thinking he needs more room. Gojo pulls you back to his chest, thinking you’re trying to run away from him.

“Quit squirming.” You hiss.

“Sorry Mochi,” he says, “just tryna get comfortable.”

And he really does mean it. But he’s been gone from you for so long that he's forgotten how nice your body feels against his. A little too nice, he’ll admit. Phone sex is nice, but it's not the same as the real thing. It gets old after a while. His hand doesn't quite compare to yours. Or the real thing. Something hard presses against your thigh from behind.

That's when it clicks. You just smell so nice. Your body is so warm against his. You look so nice in his shirt. Can you really blame him for getting hard?

You aren't sure he knows that you know. You shift a bit. It appears you’re only trying to get comfortable. His grip around your waist loosens, allowing you to settle a bit closer to him. You can't help it if your shirt rides up a bit, exposing the perfect curve of your ass. He prefers you in nothing at all, though the sight of you wearing his clothes is certainly a nice one. Any sight of you is. Gojo is shameless in the way he adores your body.

Once settled, his arms return to your waist. His head falls into the crook of your neck. He’s doing little to hide the tent he sports in his boxers. Maybe he thinks you don't notice. Or maybe he’s trying to ignore it.

“Stop that,” he says.

“I'm not doing anything,” you say, with the same evil giggle as before.

“Why do I not believe you?”

His lips find your neck, sucking a dark mark into your pulsepoint. The sudden sensation of lips on your neck makes you squeal. In your ear he coos every sappy nickname in the book that makes you blush.

You hardly notice as his hand trails lower. Your legs part just enough for him to slip his hand between them. He does nothing but seek out your warmth. Yet.

A familiar tension returns to your stomach. It's not unpleasant.

So that's what he was doing. Not that you’re complaining.

“Missed you, Mochi,” he says, gasping at the wet feeling of your cunt, “missed you so much. You have any clue what it's like being around all those weird old men all day? For days on end, no end in sight?”

It always surprises you just how bad the man can be with words, yet how good he is with his mouth.

His fingers find your clit, drawing lazy circles around the bundle of nerves. Your breath catches in your throat. You can't deny how nice his long fingers feel inside of you.

“Seems like you’ve missed me too.” He says, his breath warm against your ear.

“Whatever you want to think, old man,” you say. Though you have missed him. You always do. But there's some fun to be had by teasing him.

“Old man?!” He sounds genuinely hurt. “Don't be like that. I know you like having me around.”

“Oh really? What makes you think that?”

His fingers move to press into the tight entrance of your cunt, his thumb brushing across your clit. The soft gasp that leaves you is practically music to his ears. To give him credit, he is good with his hands.

“Did you think about me while I was gone,” he coos, “did you touch yourself while you did it? I did. Couldn't keep my mind off this sweet cunt of yours. I think I want a taste.”

Your only response is a soft moan. Heat pools low in your stomach, growing in intensity with each skilled movement of his hand. He moves so you can lay on your back. Your hands find the sheets, holding them in a death grip. Gojo nudges your legs further apart with one of his knees.

The kiss he pulls you into is uncharacteristically soft, and needy. He moans nearly as loud as you when you nibble on his bottom lip, hips lips parting, allowing the strong muscle of your tongue to explore his mouth.

Your hands work to undo the top few buttons of your shirt, exposing your breasts. His free hand comes up to grope appreciatively at your tits. Gojo has never been shy about how much he adores them. Or shy ever, to his credit. You’re his, and he would show you off to the world if you’d let him.

But sometimes he prefers to steal you into his domain, and hold you there. Close. Where you’ll always be at his side. The one place in this universe he can truly promise you’ll be safe.

You hardly notice as his kisses trail down your neck. Down the valley between your breasts. Working the last few buttons of your shirt open with his long fingers. What you do notice is the sudden absence of his hand.

Your legs part to give him room to settle between them. His head rests on your stomach. His warm breath tickles your skin.

"You gonna let me have a taste?" He asks, nipping at your thigh.

You swallow hard, eyes locked on him. Slowly, you nod.

You gasp at the feeling of his warm tongue, licking a stripe from your bellybutton to your mound. He's not touching you where you need him most. And that frustrates you. You buck your hips up towards his mouth, eliciting a soft laugh from him. He can't tease you too long. His cock is painfully hard, leaking against his thigh in his boxers. He can only hold himself back for so long.

You freeze at the feeling of a hot tongue against your clit.

Gojo eats pussy like a starving man, presented with his favorite meal. He does nothing short of savoring you. How you smell, how you taste, how you sound. He's shameless in how he adores this. Gojo moans nearly as loud as you at the taste of your cunt. Sweeter than his favorite dish. Meant to be savored.

You can't deny that he's good with his mouth. His tongue works circles around your clit, drawing gasps and moans from you.

Heat builds in your stomach, drawing you closer to your impending orgasm. One that comes upon you far sooner than expected.

Maybe you’re more pent up than you thought.

Your thighs clench around his head as you cum hard. He lets you ride out your orgasm on his tongue, working you through it with his skilled mouth. He’d stay with his head between your legs forever if you’d let him. Which you don't, as overstimulation soon registers in your lust addled mind, and you shove his head away.

The lower half of his face glistens in the dim light, wet with saliva, and your own slick. He’s far from subtle in the way he licks his lips, or groans at your taste. He may have gotten a bit too excited. It's not unlike him to get carried away. How can he resist a fertile cunt like yours?

“I think you should taste yourself,” he says. His hands move to cup your face as he pulls you into a kiss. You taste yourself on his lips. His hardened cock grinds against his thigh.

“‘Toru-” you whine.

“What's the matter baby?” He coos. “Use your words.”

“Fuck me.” You say. “I need you, ‘Toru. I need your cock in me.”

“Why didn't you say so?” He says, though the desperation in his voice is palpable.

He wastes no time in shoving his boxers down his hips, freeing his cock.

He’s not the most intimidating in size, but his cock is nice, and fairly thick, with a slight upward curve. The patch of hairs towards the base are soft, and white. Generally you don't need a whole lot of prep to take him. Which is helpful when he can't keep his hands to himself, and insists on fucking you in the bathroom during dinner. As much as he likes to take his time with you, he’ll take you anywhere you’ll let him. At work, or over every flat surface of your apartment. Not a single room of your home was spared. Not that either of you mind.

“Gotta work you open first,” he says, “don't want you to be too tight, do we?”

Between his saliva, and your own slick, you put up little resistance. He’s able to slide one finger in. Then a second, with no issue. His fingers curve, stroking your g-spot. His thumb works soft circles around your sensitive clit as he works you open with his fingers. Really, this is unnecessary. Your cunt is practically dripping with your own arousal.

He makes a show of licking his fingers, groaning at the taste of you. Gojo really has no shame.

The moan he lets out as he sheathes himself is truly sinful.

It's another moment before he starts thrusting.

Gojo needs a moment to collect himself. He’s been working himself up for hours if not days. All the nights he spent, thinking of what he’d do to you once he got home. He’s gone over this day in his head about a hundred times.

The sound of his hips slapping against yours fills the room. His taunts turn into senseless babble. Strands of praise mixed with Gojo’s overall dorky remarks. Pleas of your name, calling you mochi, baby, honey, and every other sappy nickname he can think of. His head falls into the crook of your neck, nipping and sucking at the soft skin. He’s not going to let you leave this bed until you’re thoroughly marked up.

Tension grows in your stomach like a rubber band being stretched tight. Your previous orgasm has left you overly sensitive, and leaves another orgasm creeping up on you sooner than expected. His hand falls to your stomach, working lower until his thumb finds your clit, rubbing the sensitive nub.

He presses your legs further back, shoving them almost to your chest. The stretch leaves a pleasant burn in your hips. Your body isn't really meant to bend this way, though it’s not completely uncomfortable. It's not long before he has you into a full mating press, rutting against you desperately, fucking you into the mattress. The bed frame groans in protest with each of his thrusts. Deep, and unrelenting. Gojo’s cock curves in such a way that hits your sweet spots just right, leaving you writing under him.

“Gonna put a baby in you, Mochi,” he says, “gonna breed this pretty cunt of yours.”

You nod along desperately. You want nothing more than for him to cum inside, filling you completely.

He silences your moan with a kiss, his teeth clashing against yours. His tongue presses past your lips, exploring the wet cavern of your mouth. You can still taste yourself on him.

A line of saliva connects your lips as he pulls away.

“Not gonna ask you to take all of it,” he says, “but take everything I got.”

And with that, he can't hold back any longer, painting your womb white. Gojo’s cum is normally thick, and there's normally a lot of it. Today even moreso. Two weeks away hasn't helped with that. Cum runs down your thighs in streams, ruining your sheets.

The elders aren't going to be happy that he’s so reckless with his precious seed, but Gojo couldn't give a damn. The elders can talk all they want. That's all they're good for. He gets to cum in a warm place, and that's more than any of the others can say.

He practically collapses on top of you.

Gojo shifts so less of his body weight is on top of you. And though the room is rather warm, you find yourself nuzzling into his body, seeking out his warmth. His arms have always given you a sense of security, especially when wrapped up in them. They find your waist, pulling your back flush to his chest.

For a moment the two of you lay there, basking in each other's warmth.

You’ll have to get up in a bit anyway. To clean yourself up, and change the sheets. And get a new shirt. Probably another one of Gojo’s. He’s never been against seeing you wear his clothes. They never stay on you for long, though.

You pry his arms off, swinging your legs over the side of the bed, but he notices, and tightens his grip.

“Where do you think you’re going?” He asks, sounding rather offended.

“To get a drink,” you say, “I'm thirsty. Why? Do you want one too?”

“You think I’d let you go after just one round?” He asks. “You’re not leaving this bed until I’ve fucked you full of my cum.”

You're in for a long night.

[rek1s-headband]

Break up prank on the sk8 boys

➯ Characters: Reki Kyan, Langa Hasegawa, Cherry, Joe, Miya and Shadow x gn reader

➯ Warnings: none, just some angst to fluff. Enjoy!

Reki:

He thought it was a joke at first

Like you, he watched his fair share of videos, and had seen the trend going around already

But you weren’t discouraged, you were going to try and make him believe it no matter what

He laughed it off the first time, but after you simply gave him a puzzled look and a “huh?”, he felt his heart pick up significantly. Maybe you weren’t joking??

Instantly he was running back in his mind where he could’ve possibly gone wrong, where he could’ve messed up so badly that you felt the need to leave?

After his nervous laugh died down, he went deadly silent

“You’re serious?”

You were starting to feel awful, like maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all, but you decided to persist

When you nodded your head slowly, you could’ve died when you saw how quickly his face dropped

Even though he had a small smile on his face, you could see the tears pooling at the corners of his eyes. He was running a shaky hand through his hair, and when you were ready to take him into your arms, to tell him you were only kidding, he wouldn’t let you get a word in edgeways

A flood of questions was suddenly leaving his moth, all his unvoiced questions coming out in one go. He was holding your hand now in an almost death grip, asking you why you were unhappy, why you wanted to leave

Why he wasn’t good enough for you

That’s all you needed before you were pulling him into your arms, sobbing yourself. This shut him up, he was completely speechless as your tears pooled on his shoulder, telling him you were so sorry, that you were only joking. You just wanted to see him get a little panicky, you never expected the outcome to look like this

As soon as the words left your mouth you saw his shoulders visibly drop, pulling you impossibly closer as he let the last of his tears out. He chuckled shakily, running a hand up your back.

“I thought I lost you for a second there”

That was when you pulled your head out of his shoulder, grabbing his face between your hands and pulling him closer to you. Eyes wide, he simply watched as you declared he could never lose you, that you weren’t going anywhere. You were stuck to him like glue, whether he likes it or not

He gave you one last relieved smile, before he was pulling you close again for a desperate kiss. He kissed you like it was the last time he ever would, because now that he’d thought he lost you, he was never going to take anything about you for granted again

Langa:

Was fully convinced you were serious right off the bat

Right as the words “I think we should break up” were leaving your lips, his brain was doing overtime trying to figure put how he hadn’t realised how unhappy you were. Sure, he was kind of bad at reading emotions, but surely he wasn’t so terrible he couldn’t figure out how his own s/o was feeling?

Was he really as bad at communication as people told him he was?

You instantly regretted your decision as you watched his mouth hang open, saw his eyes scrunch slightly as he wrung his hands quietly at his sides

He nodded, and you couldn’t seem to swallow the lump in your throat as your eyes locked on the small tear rolling down his cheek, which he quickly wiped away with a small smile

“If thats what will make you happy”

You couldn’t seem to collect your thoughts as you watched him step closer to you, dropping his head to your level as he grabbed your hand. It was soft, as if he didn’t want to hurt you any more than he thought he had. He stumbled over his words, trying to find the right ones to say. Eventually he just took a deep breath, and looked into your eyes

“Were you really that unhappy?” Your heart broke when you heard the crack in his voice towards the end. “How did I not notice how sad you were?” Tears were falling down his face again and he didn’t even bother wiping them away this time. Suddenly you were shooting forward, grabbing his shoulders as you began to cry

“You’ve never made me unhappy Langa, not once.” You saw his wide eyes stare at you, not even attempting to reply as he watched you continue. “It was a joke, Langa. I wanted to see how you’d react, I didn’t think you’d take it this seriously. Did you really think you made me unhappy? Ive never been happier than when I’m with you-“ you barely got to finish before he was wrapping you in his arms, his grip vicelike. His face was digging into your shoulder, clinging to you as if you’d disappear any second.

His breath was ragged and shaky as he pulled you even closer, making sure there was absolutely no room for you to escape. You ran your hand through his hair in an attempt to calm him down as he slowly emerged from your shoulder

With a small chuckle, he rubbed the side of your face with his hand, letting his head drop slightly as he let out a sigh of relief

“I really thought I was ignoring my own s/o’s feelings.” You laughed, pulling him into another hug

“If I’m ever upset, I’ll let you know. Just know it wont be for quite a while” you grinned, grabbing his collar to pull him into a kiss. It was sweet, and gentle, and you felt all your previous problems melt away as Langa pulled you closer, smiling into the kiss

Cherry:

You and Kaoru rarely fought, and when you did it was over minor things that were reconciled within a day. So when you were sitting him down, asking if he’d be okay with breaking up, the only thing he could feel was complete confusion.

What happened? You’d always been so happy, never expressing much discontent. And besides, whenever you did it was resolved as soon as possible. What was so different today?

What was making you so unhappy that you felt the relationship was beyond saving?

Or worse, what outside your relationship was making you happier than him?

He kept these thoughts to himself, coughing quietly to try and open up his throat that seemed to be impossibly tight at that moment. He held your hand, stroking it softly and nodding before looking up at you

“Why the sudden change of heart, hm?”

The small smile on Kaoru’s face that was slowly diminishing by the second made you want to melt into the ground. Even when you were asking him to leave, he was still so caring, still so loving. You could only watch, feeling your heart break as he looked at you, his eyes glassy as he quickly plastered the fakest smile you’ve ever seen onto his face

“Well, if you’re unhappy when you’re with me, surely we shouldn’t be together.” He let out a small, breathy laugh that was almost missed by you, if you hadn’t been watching him with such avid horror. “I dont know why you feel you aren’t happy anymore, sweetheart, but I’m glad you realised what you want.” You watched him stand without a word, as you slowly realised that this is real.

He thinks this is real

That was all you needed before you were leaping off the couch, practically turning it over with the force you’d pushed off it. You were shouting his name, grabbing him by the arm and absolutely dragging him to face you. With the sudden turn and shock, you both ended up on the floor as you began to babble, words pouring out of your mouth and tears streaming from your eyes

“Kaoru, of course I’m not unhappy, you always know just how to make me happy, I could never leave you!” You were jumping on top of him, wrapping your arms around his neck as he sat up, a hand on your back and the other pulling your hair back from your face, trying to find any trace of a lie on your face

“Are you serous? It was all...” he was speechless. He didn’t realise you would even pull something like that, much less go so far with it

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry” you sobbed. “I never meant for it to go this far. I just wanted to see you get a little worked up, pull a funny prank, nothing else, i prom-“ you were cut off when Kaoru pushed his lips onto yours, breath shaky as he ran his hand through your hair, as if you were going to disappear any second and he was making sure you were still there

When you finally pulled away, he pressed his forehead to yours, letting out a small laugh

“Don’t ever pull that shit again”

Joe:

When you first brought it up with him, he felt his heart drop into his stomach. Surely you weren’t serious, right?

He kept a smile quirked on his lips, a questioning look in his eyes. Still, you kept a face of steel, as if challenging him to ask if you were joking

As worried as he was, he wasn’t sure you were being serious. Something about it wasn’t..genuine? You looked too straight-faced, your expression staying neutral the whole time as if to not give something away. He was certain he hadn’t done enough to make you this delighted about breaking up, so why were you so unaffected?

The cogs were turning in his brain, all arrows pointing towards one of two directions: either he was a massive dick, or it was a prank

Oh. A prank

Of course, he wasn’t certain, but it would certainly explain quite a bit

So he decided on a plan. It wasn’t exactly the nicest thing to do, but if it was a prank, it was a nice way for him to get you back for the little skit you pulled. And if it wasn’t a prank, well, maybe it’ll take the sting away a little

His mouth quickly dropped to a frown, ready to put his plan into action. “Oh yeah? Well, thats a bit of a relief.” He had to try hard to hide his grin when he saw your eyebrows furrow, saw the frown begin to spread across your face. So maybe it was a prank. You could only watch as he continued his speech

“You see, I’ve been thinking about ending things for a while now. There was a girl at S I met a few weeks back, and man, you should’ve seen the eyes she’s been giving me. Anyways, I’ve taken a real liking to her, and Ive been thinking about giving things with her a shot. Of course, now it shouldn’t be a bother, right?”

When he saw your face contort from confusion to anger, he knew he’d fucked up severely. Suddenly you were getting up close to his face, prank forgotten, poking him in the chest as you began to shout

“Are you serious!? After all we’ve been through together, you’re just gonna leave me for some bitch you met a few weeks ago??” You were fuming at this point, while Joe watched you with with a look of mock confusion

“What’s your problem? You were the one who wanted to “break up”, right?” Something about the way he said ‘break up’ made you freeze, looking up at him as you watched a grin begin to form on Joe’s face. That bastard

“You...you asshole!” You were lost for words. He knew this whole time? And instead of enlightening you, he decided to play along? You watched with a blank expression as Joe laughed, pulling you into a hug

“I knew it” he let out a loud laugh, but it almost seemed forced. You pulled away, and when you tried to look at him his eyes seemed to be everywhere but you. You grabbed his jaw, forcing him to look at you

“You didn’t think id actually want to break up, did you?” When he simply frowned, pulling his eyes away again you cooed, pulling him into your chest as you stroked his hair, feeling his arms slowly wrap around your waist and hold you close

It’s safe to say the two of you stayed like that for quite a while

Shadow:

When you asked him to break up as a joke, you simply wanted to see if you could piss him off. Hiromi was prone to getting mad at the smallest things, cursing up a storm when he did something as small as mess up his makeup

So when you saw his face break, felt him shrink in on himself as he asked you why, what had he done that made you want to leave, your face was frozen with shock

Now this was completely new. Of course, you knew Hiromi wasn’t just some big angry man, but you didn’t think he’d get this worked up

Brows furrowed, he brought a hand to his forehead as he let out a long breath

“What happened?” Those two words held so much emotion it almost made you break. You didn’t realise how much this would affect him, just how upset it would make him. But here he was, an emotional wreck as he wiped an almost-tear away from the edge of his eye

But soon after, he was stepping close to you, grabbing your hand and looking at you with all the sincerity in the world

“Please, give me another chance. I dont know what I did, but I do know we can fix it. I know we can, please y/n. I cant lose you”

His heartfelt speech was all you needed for the tears to slowly fall from your eyes, Hiromi looking at you with a look of concern, and confusion. You were stepping into his arms, crying silently as he hesitantly put his arms around you, not quite sure what to do. So was that a yes?

You picked your head off his shoulder, not moving from his arms

“Oh, Hiromi” he looked down at you, concern washing over his face once more. “It was only a prank, I’m so sorry.”

Now he wasn’t just upset, but relieved. A bit of anger was in there somewhere, but that could be overlooked for now. He let out a loud laugh, hugging you so tightly you could’ve sworn you felt at least 3 of your ribs break

“And what made you think that was a funny thing to do?” His voice was dripping with sarcasm, not letting you out of his death grip. You simply shrugged, burying yourself deeper into his chest. He smiled, his knees practically buckling after the whole ordeal

He held you at arms length, a frown on his face. You felt a twinge of panic, maybe he wouldn’t forgive you?

This thought was quickly forgotten when he barked out a loud laugh. He dropped his face to your level, putting his hands on your shoulders

“Pull something like that again, and I swear you’ll give me a heart attack”

Miya:

Miya has never been one for properly expressing his emotions, so when you walked up to him one day and asked him to break up, he simply frowned. He didn’t let it on, but his world was very quickly caving in around him

Keeping a neutral expression, he sighed and nodded his head. He didn’t trust himself to speak right now

When you gave him a confused look from his lack of a verbal response, he really had to try to not walk out of that room there and then. You break up with him, and then expect him to just take it and walk away with a smile??

When you continued to look at him expectantly, he just let out a breath, turning away from you. “Fine. Whatever. If thats really what you want then so be it” he was kicking himself for being so blunt, but what other choice did he have? He couldn’t think, his lungs felt too small, too cramped

And now you were going to leave just like everyone else had

You tried to put your hand on his shoulder, calling his name quietly. He simply shrugged you off, dipping his head so you wouldn’t see the tears that were quickly collecting in his eyes. You’d just dumped him, the last thing he needed was you seeing him cry. You didn’t give up, asking him why he wouldn’t just look at you. Still not facing you, he attempted to talk again

“What more is there to discuss? You want to leave, so go. I’m not going to stop you if its what you want.” The crack in his voice at the end of his sentence broke your heart, and you were quickly turning him around, with more force this time, so he was forced to look you in the eyes

“Do you really think I’d leave that easily? It was a prank, you dumbass.” His head was buzzing with thoughts, why the hell would you do that? So you dont actually want to leave? You’re still gonna stay with him? You-

His thoughts were interrupted by you flicking his forehead. His hands flew to his head, letting out a cry. First you pretend to dump him, and now you have the audacity to flick him?

However, it did serve its purpose of pulling him out of his thoughts, and you were quickly pulling him into a hug while you stroked his hair. Before long you felt your shoulder grow wet with tears, the occasional sniffle leaving him. You laughed, holding him close as you tilted his chin to look at you

“I’m not going anywhere, as much as you might like me to. You’re stuck with me for a while longer, Miya Chinen.” He looked away from you, clicking his teeth

“Shut up..” he was mumbling, but there was so mistaking how hard he was gripping your clothes, as if you might try to leave again. But like you said, you weren’t going anywhere for quite some time

[luminari-mc]

(Mammon x MC/Reader)

Prompt: "She doesn't compare to you. No one does.”

Genre: Angst, hurt(emotional)/comfort.

Pairing: GN!MC/Reader x Mammon

Summary: You and Mammon finally get to enjoy a well-deserving shopping trip just between the two of you. Just as you are about to hit the next shop, your attention is caught by an image advertised in the street.

Warnings: N/A

A/N: I wanted to try my hands at a prompt that is tagged as "fluff", but of course I ended up turning it into something angsty instead. But I like sad stuff, so that still works for me.

-------------------------------------------

It wasn't often that you got to spend time with Mammon without having any of his brothers around to bother you. But you had made it very clear to them that these few hours after school would be spent with Mammon, and only him. And for today's trip, you two had decided to go shopping in one of the busiest streets in the Devildom.

Clothes and jewelry stores, malls- you had done them all. When most of this time had been spent doing window shopping, Mammon had still insisted on getting at least a few bags of purchased goods for each of you by the end of the day. After all, what was the point of going on a shopping trip, if you didn't end up emptying your bank account only to regret it later?

And so, thanks to the demon's wonderful influence, your arms had now several bags hanging off of them. There was a certain guilt still looming over your head as you realized way overboard you might have gotten with your purchases, but Mammon promised he would take care of any financial problems you could encounter in the near future because of that. You still wondered how he was going to manage it, him being Mammon and all...

"Damn, now THAT'S what I call a good haul! Look at ya!" The white-haired demon grinned as he watch you hop out of the store, the glass doors opening automatically at your presence to let you out. He placed his wrists on his hips as his own bags dangled in his hands. "What'cha got for yourself this time?"

"They actually had that jacket I saw in a magazine the other day!" The doors closed behind you as you showed the white bag which contained the jacket. "You were right, that store was amazing. I can't believe you never showed it to me before."

"Ha! Told ya the Great Mammon knew where the best treasures were! Consider it an exclusive info, because I ain't gonna share more if any of my brothers are around next time." Mammon turned around before flipping a few of his bags over his shoulder, as you instantly began to trot to get to his level.

"What? So all this time you knew about it and you didn't tell me? Just because Asmo comes with us sometimes?" You expressed shock, right before your eyebrows joined together. "Really, as if you couldn't have told me over text or something."

"And have you go without me?! Nah, ain't gonna happen- you'd just get lost and end up in the worst store possible." Mammon glanced your way, and you could only smirk at his poor excuse.

"Sure, you're right. I forgot that humans don't have the same flawless sense of orientation as demons do." Despite your obviously sarcastic tone, Mammon didn't seem to register it as he nodded at your words.

"Exactly! Even if I gave you the full address, who knows where you'd end up? I don't want ya to come and complain to me afterwards, so it's gotta be with me or nothin'."

Even as you rolled your eyes, you noticed Mammon's face slightly turning away from yours, probably to hide the extra shade of color that had appeared on his cheeks ever so discreetly. Even when he was in his usual tsundere mood, it was endearing to see how concerned he was for your safety. And just how badly he wanted to be alone with you.

"So, where to next?" You asked without really thinking, surprising yourself that even after your extensive purchasing, you still wanted to do more. Or maybe it was that you didn't want this date to end right away. The past few weeks had been nothing but the brothers interrupting each other when any of them found themselves alone with you, so getting to spend some alone time with one of them, especially with Mammon, deserved to be extended a bit more.

"Glad ya asked!" As if a battery had been plugged into him, the demon brandished his arm into the air, the bags swinging by his face and missing him by a few inches. "I got this whole place where they're sellin' tons of stuff for pretty cheap, but it's actually authentic branded things. See, they're actually sold to that one guy who then has to sell them to another guy, and..."

As you listened to Mammon explain how he was able to find "authentic stuff" (probably not that authentic, you were pretty sure about that) for less than a quarter of its original price, your eyes found themselves drifting to an impressive ad plastered on a building the two of you were walking by. Recognizing the habit of Majolish to put their models on display for everyone to see was pretty easy, but that wasn't what caught your eye in the moment.

What tuned Mammon down completely in your ears, were the models themselves. The second born, sitting on a stool with a ripped shirt and pants, a few accessories hanging off his neck and barely covering anything of his exposed chest. He looked serious, staring straight at the objective- and at you, while the light shined on him to completely capture his frame for the picture.

And sitting down in the middle of the shot, between his legs, was a female demon wearing a red leather dress, her head resting on top of Mammon's leg. The clawed hand dangling off his knee- covered in golden rings, seemed to taunt you, as well as the piercing yellow eyes she had. Saying she wasn't beautiful would be lying. In fact, she was absolutely stunning. A perfect model for a perfect shot. Just looking at her made you feel small, like a prey that was about to be devoured by a hungry beast, the longer you were looking at her.

But that's what demons were supposed to make you feel like, right?

"Hey!" Mammon called out from the distance he had put between the two of you since you had stopped walking beside him. "Yo, MC!"

Watching as you kept staring into nothing, Mammon rolled his shoulders with a furrowed brow before walking back toward you, his head tilting to the side as he noticed your dead expression.

"Huuh hello, Devildom to MC? In which realm did ya get lost this time?"

"They replaced it." The words that left your mouth were weak, almost too silent for him to hear. It's as if all of the energy you had had evaporated from your body in an instant.

"Huh?" Mammon grew a bit concerned at this sudden change. His eyes perked up at the ad you were looking at, as you continued.

"The shoot we did together." Finally, you spared yourself from the sight, your gaze dropping to the ground. "They already replaced it with another one."

As soon as Mammon understood why *this* ad in particular seemed to be upsetting you so much, his jaw was already clenching. He remembered the stars he had seen in your eyes the previous week when you saw yourself on the Majolish ad, posing beside him- a shoot opportunity you had gotten while accompanying him after RAD a few days prior. In the middle of his shoot, he practically didn't leave any choice to his agent and had insisted that you be included in the shots to promote one of the new pieces of jewelry the brand was planning to release in the upcoming months. Asmo, who was there to witness your reaction on that day the three of you went out, had even taken a hundred pictures or so of you posing in front of the ad.

Except that, the jewelry you had posed with, was now present on the new model posing alongside Mammon.

He had made sure to engrave that smile of yours in his head at the time, even going so far as to snap a picture of your face while you were too focused on Asmo to notice him. But now, there was absolutely no trace of that same happiness anymore.

"The fuck?" The snarl that left him shook the walls of his throat. "That wasn't supposed to be advertised before another month! Why'd they have to take ours so soon?!"

"It's okay, Mammon." The demon stopped growling as his eyes lowered on the hand that was clutching his arm. "I mean... I'm not a model. Figures they wouldn't put it up for long... I-I mean, look at me. Seriously, who would want to see my face being exposed for longer than they can bare? It's hard to imagine. I wouldn't probably have sold their product anyway, so... it's okay."

The look on your face was devastating. Despite trying your best to smile, the tears pricking in your eyes were threatening to roll down your cheeks at any second. Mammon felt his heart being stabbed with a thousand invisible daggers, he couldn't bear to watch you feeling insulted in such a way.

His bags were immediately dropped onto the floor, the demon no longer caring for any of the fragile items he may have bought. His hands swung forward to cup your cheeks, forcing your face up to look at him straight in the eyes.

"Hey hey, MC. C'mon, look at me."

You did your best not to let your vision turn blurry because of the upcoming tears, and stared back at Mammon, your bottom lip trembling weakly.

"I don't care what anyone, model agents or not, can say- you'd sell a thousand more times than any fuckin' models out there, okay? In fact, you're worth even more than their stupid jewelry!"

His thumb quickly brushed away a tear from the corner of your eye as his other hand came to rest on your temple.

"They just put that one up there because that model is famous. They don't care about what's really beautiful, they just want to boast their popularity to the rest of the world." The blue of his eyes seemed to radiate the closer he moved towards you. "But I know what's beautiful. And her? She doesn't compare to you. No one does."

You could only look down in shame as his hands never left you, closing your eyes shut to let a couple tears out before Mammon grabbed a tissue from his pocket to dry your face. He patiently waited a few seconds for you to calm down, soothing you with slow caresses of your hair until your shoulders stopped shaking.

"I'm sorry..." you muttered, sniffling as you passed a wrist over your eyes. "I don't know why that upset me so much..."

"Ya got nothing to be sorry about." Mammon retrieved his hands from your head, only to grab the bags that were hanging off of your arms. He somehow manages to hold them alongside his own behind him, before wrapping the other arm around your shoulder.

"Hey, I'd call this a day. How about I prepare ya a bath when we're home? Courtesy of the Great Mammon."

You nodded, your lips arching into a smile as you grabbed the hand hanging off your shoulder. The day was cut too short for your liking, but you didn't feel up for any additional purchases, or to properly enjoy your outing anymore.

"Will you wash my hair?" You entertwined your fingers with his as he gave them a gentle squeeze.

"Pah, of course! Who else but me could do that?" He huffed through his nose, shaking his head at such an obvious question. Your laugh ringing in his ears gave him a brief moment of respite.

But the demon furrowed his brows as he lead you into your walk back home, keeping you snuggled at his side. Holding the bags in his left hand, his white nails sharply digged into his palm the more steps he took alongside you.

Making them cry? Such a big, big mistake. One thing was sure, Mammon wasn't about to let that one pass.

"But before that..." The hiss that escaped his throat went unnoticed by the two of you as your head rested against his shoulder.

"I'll have a few calls to make."

[adoringhaikyuu]

you’re horny on your period 

characters: aone + atsumu + kageyama + kenma + (gn!reader) 

request: hey babes, can i request hq boys (of ur choice, but with tsumu on it pls) with a fem s/o whos on her period and very horny? lol, if ur uncomfortable with it i'll totally understand • by anonymous

warnings: horny tings, suggestive tings, period sex mentions but nothing actually happens <3

notes: everyone is 18+ in this !! the reader has their period obviously but there are no pronouns used so technically it’s gn :) i actually rly like this one!

aone 

you tried to get over it, but it was no use

it’d been an hour and you were still needy, an unsatisfied ache in the pit of your stomach and between your legs, not just because of your cramps

you were debating telling aone because you didn’t to bother him and period sex could be messy and some might even say gross

but of course, like the observant boyfriend he is, he noticed something was bothering you

aone walked into your bedroom, immediately sensing your discomfort. he stopped in front of the bed where you were sitting. his voice was gentle, despite his serious exterior but you could tell he was worried. “cramps?” 

you paused, deciding to speak before you changed your mind. “yeah, but that’s not really what’s bothering me...” 

he raised his brows, silently asking you to explain so he could help you.

“i...” you rubbed your thighs together, shuffling on the bed nervously as you focused your eyes on the sheets rather than his curious eyes. “i’m just feeling kind of needy?”

he stayed standing, “oh...would you like me to help?”

“yes–no?” you looked up to see him tilting his head at you, confused. “i just know some people find it gross and it can be messy, you know? don’t wanna be a bother.” 

“your issue is the mess?” 

you nodded and he hummed before leaving without another word. you sunk down a bit. you were fully prepared for it to go either way, but the rejection still kinda hurt a bit. you were about to go to the shower to take care of yourself when aone came back into the room, a towel and wipes in his hand. 

you looked up at him shocked, “what––”

he put the towel down and set the wipes aside, “for the mess.”

you immediately got up and pulled him in for a kiss, making his eyes widen slightly before he gave in, holding you by the waist. you mumbled against his lips, “i love you so much.” when you pulled away, you noticed the light blush and subtle smile on his face.

he licked his lips. “i love you too.” 

atsumu

normally when you were on your period, you wouldn’t let tsumu touch you tbh

period sex was a hassle

and normally you could control yourself or just take care of yourself on your own time in the shower or while he was out

but today for some reason, you needed him 

well you knew the reason actually––

as soon as atsumu came home, drenched in sweat from the gym, his grey tank top practically glued to his torso. you could see his neck shining and even his hair was wet, which you saw once he took off his cap. 

he set things down and immediately ran over to you on the couch to give you a quick kiss. “hey babe,” he grinned and stood up straight, stretching his arms behind his head, which wasn’t helping you at all. “damn that workout was intense, i’m beat. i’m gonna head to the shower, okay? then we can cuddle.” 

you opened your mouth but didn’t say anything, nodding instead. he smiled and headed towards the bathroom but he only made it about three steps before you stopped him with a call of his name, the sight of his back only furthering the feelings you had.

he turned back, “yeah?” 

you paused, “i um...” you sighed, “i need you.”

you could see a smile forming it’s way onto his face slowly, not wanting to get his hopes up too soon. he always wanted to help you out on your period but you’d never let him. 

“like need me need me?” 

you nodded “but we’ll only do it in the shower!” 

the smile finally burst on in his face. he made his way over to you again and planted a big kiss on your lips, groaning happily when you moaned lightly. 

“on second thought another workout doesn’t sound too bad.” he winked and smiled cheekily before throwing you over his shoulder and running to the bathroom, ignoring your yelp. 

“what got you so worked up anyway?” he asked casually, stepping into the bathroom. 

he set you down and you looked up at him sheepishly, “you...”

he grinned smugly, his hands reaching for your shirt. “oh i am so blowing your back out–”

kageyama

you tried to ignore what you were feeling, not wanting to ruin the moment since you and kageyama loved to do this every week

have a movie night and just relax

and you now he’d been working really hard lately so he deserved some rest

but you had a problem

you kept fidgeting in your seat next to him, trying to either relieve yourself slightly or make it go away, you weren’t too sure

and to be honest you weren’t really paying attention to it and kageyama could tell

after twenty minutes or so into the movie, he asked you what was wrong but you waved him off, assuring him it was nothing

but you couldn’t help but focus on him, the sharp cut of his jawline, the curve of his lips

then he put his hand on your thigh and you got to thinking of the feeling of his hands on you

and that sent you down a tunnel of unholy thoughts

kageyama felt your fingertips tracing the veins in his hands and tried to ignore it at first, keeping his eyes trained on the tv. but when you let your fingers trail up along his arm as well, his hand subconsciously squeezed your thigh and his eyes widened when you let out a quiet moan.

you both paused and kageyama turned his head slowly, eyes wide and looked at you, his lips parted. “are you–” he swallowed, trying to calm himself down. “okay?” 

you looked over at him, trying to act innocent. “mhm. just tickled, that’s all.” 

he nodded and turned back to the screen, and you tried to as well, but you kept glancing back at him, debating with yourself about whether or not you should say something. you didn’t want to be selfish and disrupt the movie, but you also couldn’t ignore what you were feeling, it was too intense. 

it lasted about five minutes before he looked at you from the corner of his eye. “you know i can see you watching me, right?” 

you felt your cheeks heat up and you huffed. “i’m sorry i just...” he turned to face you fully, curious and a bit concerned. his hand trailed up to your inner thigh, completely innocently and that’s when you decided you couldn’t hide it anymore. 

“i’m horny tobio.” 

his eyes brightened and he stuttered for a bit, “o–oh. well––do you want me to help?” he started to move closer but you looked to the side and he stopped. 

“it’s just––i’m on my period.” when he didn’t say anything for a few seconds you looked back to find him staring at you blankly.

he tilted his head and looked from side to side. “and?” 

you opened your mouth and closed it. “well...i’m, you know...bleeding...doesn’t that bother you? it’ll take more like effort and i know you’re tired––”

he cut you off, placing a hand under your chin, a shy smile on his face. “i don’t care about that. plus wouldn’t it help with your cramps?” 

you nodded, “well, only if you make me cum.” 

his brows furrowed, offended. “i always make you!” 

“yeah you do.” you laughed, taking his hand in yours, making him smile at you. “but are you sure you want to do this now? it might get messy.”

he leaned in and kissed your cheek before pulling back to look at you earnestly, his eyes a shade darker. “i don’t care.” he kissed you on the lips, “all i care about,” his hand tilted your head and pulled you closer, whispering against your lips. “is making you feel better.” 

kenma

kenma could tell something was off about you

he knew you were on your period but there was something else that he couldn’t figure out

he was waiting for you to tell him but you never did

the thing is, you’d just moved in together a few months ago and while you’ve had a couple periods in the same house 

(which he’s totally normal about) 

you haven’t done anything while you were on your period

normally you’d take care of yourself, but you felt a little self conscious about doing it in your shared house for some reason 

and kenma like never left the house

sure, he had his headphones on a lot but still––

so you were a little tense and though you thought he was distracted, he definitely noticed

kenma stepped into your room and you smiled up at him before going back to your phone, thinking he was switching from the ps4 to the pc set up in your bedroom. but he didn’t, he came and stood next to your side of the bed, making you look up at him in surprise. 

“oh hey ken,” you sat up, your legs pressed tightly together. “what’s up?”

he looked at you for a moment before speaking up. “nothing...what’s wrong with you?”

your brows furrowed, “what do you mean?”

he sighed. “i can tell something’s wrong...” he looked down, a bit shy. “i was waiting for you to come to me about it but you never did. was it something i did?”

your eyes widened, he’d noticed? “no––no you didn’t do anything wrong babe.”

“oh.” he nodded, crouching down beside you, resting his chin on the mattress. “then what is it? i can tell it’s not nothing.” 

you swallowed and set your phone down before looking down at him. “i just...” you sighed, “i’m kind of worked up...and i was too nervous to do something about it.” 

his eyes widened this time. “oh––”

you looked away. “yeah.” 

“well you don’t have to be nervous about that.” he stood up, a small smile on his face. “that’s perfectly fine.” 

you looked up at him, “oh, really?”

he nodded, “of course.”

you smiled, “oh thank you. so how long are you staying out for?”

his brows furrowed, “what? why would i leave the house––”

“wait you wanna stay?––” you paused, “well can you at least put your headphones on and close the bedroom door on your way out?” 

he blinked at you. “how can i help you if i’m not in the room?” 

you blinked back. “you want to help me?” 

he blushed and nodded sheepishly, “yeah...why wouldn’t i?” 

you stuttered a bit, “well i just––you know i’m bleeding, that could get messy...” 

he paused and glanced around the room seemingly in thought, and you figured that he was rethinking the whole situation until he spoke up again. “well i want you to be comfortable and the shower isn’t the best place for that...so how about i just get a towel to put here instead?” 

you stared at him for a few seconds, “each day i fall more and more in love with you.” 

he blushed even deeper and tried to hide his smile as he turned around, “shut up––i’m going to get the towel.”