#this got long-ish wHY
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oh. ok. so I fear my drawing time shall be severely limited in this next month and a half because wtf college apps.
#I HAVE SO MANY IDEAS BUT noOoOoOOo I have to have ✨ responsibilities✨#we live in a society#or something idk#got like one... long ish weekend but that's right before an EA deadline and then it's 2 weeks to cram basically the rest of my EA's/ED in#i'm so screwed#why I chose to do this to myself is beyond me#also update I think I'll be able to open up a few commission slots... late November#probably gonna have like 5 ish at the most because I like my sanity where it is
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#sometimesanequine#equine art#horse art#my art#damn yall wanna know smthn crazy?#i think ive been unknowingly slowly killing myself since ??? 2016 ish right#cause ive got alpha gal right. cant eat hooved mammal shit. whatever#long story short I've felt like shit since 2016 and have had aches and pains every day after eating stuff im not sposed to unknowingly#or unknowingly as in. huh i wonder why this is happening (spoiler. it was eating stuff that makes me sick)#but ive figured it out now and feel better!#tumblr user mamoru thank you for sharing your medical experience i utilized pattern recognition and figured it out#anyways now that im not eating stuff im not sposed to i still gotta undo years of damage#but im gettin there yippee!
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Penacony's 2.0-2.2 patches: genuinely HSR's peak, full of unforgettable moments. I still get chills watching the cutscenes and some of them still make me cry like the first day.
Penacony's 2.3, 2.6 and 2.7 patches:
#abbey plays honkai star rail#I feel like venting today#bc my disappointment is immeasurable#in fact I'm actually glad we're finally leaving the place#because I've genuinely grown so TIRED of it#like let's just go to Amphoreus so we can forget all of this please#they just haven't done a single thing right since 2.3 in my opinion#and just as we all expected#Sunday's development was so rushed#I still feel like they changed the writers at some point bc there's no way#they fumbled the story so bad that they MUST have#I've already talked about how much I hated 2.3 so I'm gonna vent about 2.6 and 2.7 now#first off#2.6 with the fricking banana brainrot was TORTURE#so much so that a lot of people got burnout and had to quit the game for the whole month#Rappa's story was good#but the banana brainrot was too much it was unbearable#and it was like idk 1000 hours long#and now that they had to actually make a good conclusion for Sunday#the story is... what? not even 3-ish hours long?#not only that but he shared screentime with another character that needed 'conclusion' aka Tingyun#and I just genuinely would love to know what is going on inside the HSR team's minds 'cause ????#why would you do that. both of them deserved better than this#and it's funny 'cause somehow even though Sunday was the 'protagonist'#I feel like they did Tingyun more justice lol#anyways...#friendship ended with Penacony#now Xianzhou Luofu is my best friend again#no matter what people say it's a lot better#like how did Sunday go from manipulative bastard to uwu baby in 2 seconds I just can't
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just a few little bits from the past few days
#both the word count screenshots are from the same day - just different sections of the text. so that was like 4000 words in#one DAY.. huzzah!! (< making up for the fact that I did 0 words the 3 days before that lol.. so its not actually an accomplishment ghjjh)#In renpy I think you can have multiple separate texty cody whatever documents and still jump between them so long as they;re#labeled properly. Rather than like... having one extremely long 60.000 line file where in some places youre in a menu within a menu#within a menu within a menu within a menu within a menu within a menu jhbhj#But that was the way I started doing it lke 5 years ago when I actually made the base of everything so I feel like it'd be too much#work to change it all that dramatically now. But that means I cant just get the word count for the whole document I just have#to jump around to the few sections I worked on and highlight them to get the word count for only that portion#.. the one tiny fraction of the whole monster text wall. Though it is of course spaced out and organized into#clearly labeled sections within that because otherwise I have trouble discerning text on a screen. still.#Resuming a project that's been basically abandoned for 4-5 ish years is just always finding weird stuff like.. why did I do this that way..#why did I write that... why did I organize that in this manner... what the hell am I referencing in this note... etc. lol#Anyway... also......................cat with plum on his head.#everyone point and laugh at mr. plum head boy..!!!!!!!!!!!!! >:3c#I've been obsessed with Calico Critters' social media presence from afar (like how I mentioned one of my possible dream jobs would#be to be the person that sets the scenes and arranges all the toy animals at a tiny little table and etc. to take the type of pictures they#post on their facebook page and stuff) and I see all their photos of them posing the rabbits as if they're in a swimming pool#or on a nature hike or etc. etc. BUT I have never really seen them in person. Recently I was at a store (in a KN95 mask and not staying#very long still of course. wastewater covid levels are still high where I live (and most of the US truly)) and it just crossed my mind#to actually go to the toy section and see if I could find any....wow.... Its like meeting a celebrity.. the Latte Cats....#Of course I didnt buy them because they're like... very expensive?? like $25 - $40 just for one little pack of a few critters like#what is shown. but.... I still got to see them................ my beloved.. I want their outfits... T o T#Oh and then lastly just a pot of purple clover looking things. I just think theyre neat lol#photo diary
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@katkastrofa, circa 40-ish hours ago: Hey, what if our newest bunch of OCs adopted a baby from one of the other brothel girls who knew she couldn’t afford to raise one? That would make for some fun shenanigans :D
Me, with a notoriously non existent sleep schedule, instinct of self preservation or concern for my poor wrist: Alright, bet. Watch how fast I can make you fall in love with this hypothetical baby >:)
Daneli as a gentle and loving caretaker-turned-adoptive-mother is something that can be So Personal, actually, and originally I was going to leave it at this quick sketch, but then I got carried away thinking about what this child will grow up to be like raised by this little gang of misfits, so…
Here she is!! A little older and so, so beautiful, I need more of her in my life immediately, she’s way too precious
And, because I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t also add a sapphic element to this absolute cinnamon roll, a small crack ship that I’m only half serious about for when she’s a little older still:
All in all, we may be getting impossibly far from canon, but I for one already cannot get enough of sweet darling Kumisai <3
(I fully drew three pieces from scratch in 9 hours I cannot feel my brain or my hands anymore send help)
#my art#artists on tumblr#the legend of korra#original characters#jinora#wow. nia drew a canon character? what is this?? who was I replaced by???#but joking aside. a small explanation for this crack ship#originally it was me editing my timeline and realising that Kumisai would be around 14/15 during book 4. the same age as Jinora#so my mind immediately went 👀👀👀 and I decided to go for it#since in sotrl I sorta implied Jinora had a gay awakening by watching Suiren. so.. why not go all out and make her another baby queer?#no offence to Kai. what they had was rather cute tbh. but it felt kinda out of nowhere and just added for the sake of parental drama#plus she was a young girl meeting someone her age for the first time. of course she got a crush#doesn’t mean she has to stick with it you know?#anyway. as for how they would meet. Midori could introduce them :D#Kumisai is Daneli’s daughter. who’s a friend of Summiya’s. who’s Zaheer’s sister. who’s Midori’s uncle. who’s friends with Jinora#and spirits know Jinora deserves to act her age a little more often. she has way too many responsibilities on her shoulders#so maybe Midori would think that a friend her age would do her some good#and don’t even try to tell me these two wouldn’t be absolutely adorable puppy crushing on each other. look how cute Jinora turned out here#might be the first time I’ve drawn her? not sure. maybe I did before but it was A LONG time ago. 2019 ish#but okay. enough rambling about Jinora. back to Kumisai#I don’t really have too many headcanons about her yet. but she’s probably rather happy and carefree#having a large support system as a result of being raised communally#I think she considers Daneli her mom and the others are her aunties. auntie Shezan in particular is a notoriously bad influence :)#and maybe one day she’d get to meet her bio mom. but only if that’s something both of them want. not sure yet#I feel like she’s rather disconnected from her water tribe heritage since everyone around her is Earth Kingdom. save Phailin who’s half FN#but she still has small hints of blue in her clothing. the colour matching her beautiful eyes. maybe she is curious about her bio dad a bit#since unlike with her bio mom no one knew him and can’t tell her anything. that’s bound to come as a natural curiosity at some point right?#maybe that can be part of her story when she’s an adult. trying to find her bio dad. but ultimately it doesn’t matter that much#because Daneli is her mom and the only parent she needs <3 I’m really just throwing out suggestions here to fill the tag space#kaaatttt come discuss all this stuff with me I waited all night for you to wake up >:) distract me from my grandma’s tv watching
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I have finally emptied the blue bench of all the library books I need to hand back, even though they were terribly photogenic in there, and instead have filled it with all the old children's books I've been keeping around for like fifteen years or more, even though the chances of me ever having children or even passing them on to nieces/nephews/cousins etc is vanishingly small. These are less photogenic but at least it's one way to start clearing the living room of boxes.
Currently strategising how to fit them all in but also wow this is a list of Problematic Children's Authors TM
#I mean#They're all dead and they were probably considered Problematic long before I read them as a kid and I turned out sort of ok-ish#But honestly not a great look and very much proponents of a particular early to mid twentieth century upper class moral system#On the other hand#I do fully believe that the PTSD-addled disaster teenager in a Sopwith Camel that is James Bigglesworth is appropriate reading for kids#The shelf goes 'Snotty boarding school stories; saccharine animal stories; now let's introduce the children to the concept of WW1#Shellshock and alcoholism time for the little ones; on the other hand the racist elements in quite a few of them are going to need reviewin#Not sure the 1970s approach- which was essentially to revere the same authors but delete the racist and sexist language- actually worked#Because it took out the worst words but it didn't actually do anything about the fundamental attitudes of the books#Maybe we should have asked WHY we revere a certain type of children's literature from a certain (colonial; stiff upper-lip; heroic) era#Rather than simply deleting a word here and there and repackaging them as essentially ok for the next generation#Eh#As I say I turned out fine and I think if handled properly it can teach children how to read critically#But if in some miraculous turn of events there ever Real Children in this house that shelf is going to need diversifying#I just can't seem to bring myself to throw them out yet; I know I'm not likely to ever have children so not sure why I keep them really#But I used to think I'd have them for my own kids and that's a hard idea to let go of#And not something I'm willing to unpack right now#On the other hand 'The Adventures of Robin Hood' has to stay even though the spine is falling off#It has been a favourite of two generations because we all love Robin Hood and also Marion is allowed to be kick-ass for thirty seconds#And that tiny scene got me through half my childhood#Earth and stone
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as someone who cannot deal with mobile gacha games post-2016 I AM cautiously intrigued by infinity nikki. visuals look fantastic and so cute, the platforming in the ign gameplay i saw seemed a little rough but as long as its not too hard i'll be fine (<- said as a person who is shockingly bad at 3d platformers) but i am hopeful. if its a fun game to play i'll be really excited, as someone who's only played nikki up2u ive always been curious about how that normal girl dressup game turned into like. nikkis hellscape or whatever ive heard about it. nikkis torture dimension. nikkis purgatorial plain of endless suffering. thats my understanding of the franchise at least.
#up2u was the only one i could handle orz also the only one out at the time LOL but i did try the others at later points#i dropped off pretty quick tho because UNFORTUNATELY like i said i really really cannot deal with gacha game pacing#like specifically post 2016 ish it got really bad because games got more complicated. so the opening tutorial would be like hours long#and it would always piss me off. and by the time i got to the actual game i was too burnt out to read the stories#plus a big mobage design philosophy rn is like. grind for a reward. but that doesnt work on me if i dont like the grind#i love grindy games. i love number go up. i love repetitive tasks. but the focus has to be the grind#the grind cant be designed like an obstacle. which is why i didnt really like sif2 despite my adoration for sif1 LOL#rest in pieces............... its about the grind being the fun part in the mechanics. if the fun part is just the gacha and story well#i'd really rather them just be visual novels orz my mobile game curse.........#anyway. i hope its good!! and i hope its like a normal priced game rather than f2p for my sake <3
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Plant(??) Danny
Just was going through my old likes and found THIS POST
And it gave me some ideas
So kind of a twist on corpse au and full ghost Danny, Full Corpse Danny if you will:
Danny died in the portal accident and did not come back as a ghost, leaving his fully dead body there. To cover up the death someone buries him in the woods. As time goes on, Danny starts to grow from where his body was planted like some kind of twisted shrub made of meat, wood, and ectoplasm that loosely resembles a person, that becomes more Danny-like as he grows. And he’s just kind of stuck there until someone finds him since he’s not very mobile at that point.
Depending on who buried him and covered up his death it can go a couple of ways.
The Fentons: Seeing their invention killed their son, accidentally, they panic and hide his body in the woods, because as much as they loved their son, they can’t let him have died in vain and destroy their life’s work. The official story in Danny ran away, and Jazz is still hopeful he’ll return or reach out to her. I’d set it maybe a year or two after the accident with Sam and Tucker finding him in the woods, Them being younger and having not known Danny before, and taking care of and bonding with their new weird plant friend.
Sam and Tucker: They were just dumb kids. It was a stupid dare, their friend died, and they panicked. They buried him in the woods and swore never to talk about it again. They watched as the Fenton parents and Jazz desperately tried to find their son, wishing he would come home, and they said nothing. A year passed, Jazz went off to college and everyone had to move on. Then Valerie found him in the woods. Her dad had been let go of his job. Axion had been looking to cut its costs, and after mostly automating the security system, they let go of the more senior(more expensive) members of the security team. They put down their old security dogs rather than rehome them, this is exactly something a company like that would do. So Valerie, having lost her status with the A listers, spent her free time walking in the woods where she finds Danny. Danny’s mind is a little scrambled from the accident and isolation of being alone in the woods for a year. His memories aren’t exactly clear, coming to him in bits and pieces. She names him Danny, ironically after himself, and they bond. over time, with a little extra care from Valerie, he grows more and more until it’s apparent that he is in fact the same Danny. Perhaps even romance happens
maybe after enough time, he can pass as human again. So Danny Fenton returns, much to the confusion and fear of whoever put him in that hole in the ground.
Maybe he still has to deal with ghosts. Hard to do when you’re a plant stuck in a pot, but he’s used to dispose of them like a weird Venus flytrap. Whether he’s eating them or his mouth is connected to the ghost zone is up to debate
#Danny Phantom#danny fenton#plant danny#kind of horror ish#valerie gray#I started out thinking about the fentons option#then got really into the sam and tucker option#hence why it's twice as long#it feels like a nice and weird twist on the whole thing
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Old Taylor drawing I actually really love
#bro is going through it#y’all don’t even know why yet#luckily I have at least a little self control to not share my page-long bullet point list of plot things that's not even done yet#it’s like only halfway done just on the plot outline ALONE#I’ve also got some sketches of the first page-ish#I know how it’s gonna open#should probably mention he’s a fan character for a comic I’m working on#it’s takes place in the pinky and pepper forever universe#if you’ve never read it GO DO THAT#unless the warnings are things you don’t want in a comic because that’s understandable#it’s about a 15 minute read I feel#cringe cabinet#oc tag#taylor mar#UGH I LOVE HIS STORY BUT IVE GOTTA KEEP AN AIR OF SECRECY#one day. one day it will be seen#this was concept art and I’ve been looking back at this in particular while looking to change his design
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100 (103) reasons why Daichi is the best
1. his face
2. them thighs
3. most reliable captain 10/10 has never met a ball he can’t save
4. the chip on his shoulder
5. he's not just an underdog, he's the captain of underdogs, the biggest underdog of all.
6. kinda insane sometimes. Total volleyball freak. (My adored <3333)
7. you will never meet a more reliable man
8. deserves all the admiration in the world for handling a team as insane and wild as Karasuno
9. knows his team like the back of his hand
10. y'all remember that time he saved kagehina's failed freak quick because he knew that they'd go for it and also knew they'd mess it up?
11. there was a solid period of time where he was both coach and captain and handled the jobs marvelously
12. never falls to pressure,
13. treats his team to after-practice meat buns
14. ridiculously observant
15. seriously, this man immediately figured out that hinata had his eyes closed during the first freak quick.
16. terrifying enough to scare Noya who canonically has not felt fear since he was a child
17. can silence people with a look.
18. surprisingly snarky
19. officially acknowledged by kuroo as a crafty son of a bitch and kuroo would know
20. fr though, Karasuno would never have been the team it was without him, he's such a great goddamn leader and a brilliant captain
21. every single person on his team listens to this man
22. and he's always great at knowing how to deal with the different members on his team whether its goading Tsukishima at exactly the right time or knowing when to cheer Asahi up.
23. relentless, driven and never gives up.
24. the honest country boy vibes
25. has the obliviousness of an anime protagonist when it comes to romance.
26. can site facts about sea creatures off the top of his head and does it often enough that Asahi can provide context for what he's talking about
27.the ✨ soulful eyes ✨
28. we all know that under that cute face is a terrifying demon but man, what a face
29. is a brave warrior willing to sacrifice (lose a tooth) for his people
30. basically got kagehina together
31. well-rounded player
32. got SO hot post time skip
33. not afraid to look like a lunatic in public when he's yelling at his teammates
34. short king
35. his flawless jump float receives
36. that one time he yelled at Noya and co for coming to school on New Years like Daichi what were YOU doing at school during New Years? 👀👀
37. wore the vice principle's wig twice and did so flawlessly
38. the fancy foot moves on court
39. best pep talks
40. also great motivational speeches. Ikejeri literally remembered one of them for like 5 years
41. this man was Karasuno's ONLY floor defense for a hot minute there and still won against Seijoh. Seijoh.
42. that being said, he's not part of the defensive line, he's a spiker who also does defense and don't you dare forget it
43. the breadth of his gorgeous, gorgeous back
44. Was willing to kick out Kageyama and Hinata if they didn’t learn to get along. It’s not like Karasuno has a deep reserve of players, they certainly needed every player they can get and yet, he held firm.
45. when he saves almost all of inarizaki’s crazy serves like it’s nothing
46. also wrecked Oikawa's shit with that one save
47. literally died for his team
48. first year daichi w/ 🤝 middle school hinata and kageyama; being people who care more about vb than the rest of their team and doing their best to get better on their own
49. it takes a certain type of man to let Hinata on court despite his utter lack of basic skills
50. his bashful grin that's probably got people swooning left and right
51. just generally serving looks
52. his arms
53. “We’re gonna eat them alive”
54. that one time he mentally dragged Ukai to filth
55. quick on-court reflexes
56. the patience of a saint to deal with kuroo and bokuto’s antics
57. refuses to get intimidated, even by Ushijima
58. let ennoshita lead the team even though he could’ve gotten back on court
59. this moment right here
60. when he was ready to retire because he thought it’d be better for the team
61. “especially people who have to bike up a mountain”
62. that time he scored off of kita’s recieve
63. the entirety of ep 3x06.
64. tired dad in a teenage body
65. because his old teammate told him he “got bigger 😏” and daichi thought they were calling him fat
66. being the epitome of benevolence a la forgiving Tanaka for killing him
67. “talking too much is a sign of nervousness, ku-roo san”
68. all the daichi-kuroo handshakes and how he magically starts acting like the competitive teenager he is when he spots kuroo’s rooster hair
69. i take back what i said about being able to scare people with a look, he can do it with just his aura
70. delivers an immaculate immitation of Kageyama
71. so concerned and sweet to his underclassman
72. tried so hard to help Hinata's nerves.
73. *solemnly* “i was going to keep it quiet but....we’ll have bbq after the practice is over”
74. cheerfully leads his squad through dozens of penalties during camp
75. at times, very dignified
76. takes to acting like Tsukki's annoying uncle
77. when he went back to the gym and we saw his mosaic of memories and it made us all tear up
78. Always imparting words of wisdom ie “SHUT UP” and “you’re a wimp”.
79. he literally has nightmares about the principal’s wig 😭
80. Didn’t brutally decimate Kageyama for the “i can spike, serve, etc all by myself” line because if some snotty brat said that to me, i'd
81. He’s so intuitive in general. He’s seen Kageyama for maybe a couple minutes and then a half hour match and already knows exactly how to hit him where it hurts like when he threatened to take the setter position away if Kageyama and Hinata couldn’t win a match together.
82. His saves are a work of art sometimes
83. So beautiful
84. always willing to collaborate with and concede to his teammates whether it’s asking Kageyama’s opinion on how to handle Seijoh or letting Tsukki handle the timing of the blocks or staying back so Ennoshita can lead,
86. Like despite hq having tons of characters + themes about pride and ego, Daichi has almost none at all. He’s secure in himself and his skill level and doesn’t get insecure about his teammates/friends being more skilled or better than him.
87. never lets failures bring him down
88. on a similar note, he, like hinata, is always willing to try, always ready to keep going no matter what happens or what obstacles lie ahead
89. he’s the one that gave Noya the nickname of “Guardian Deity”
90. the first one to always acknowledge and appreciate everything Takeda’s done for the team
91. Despite the generally optimistic attitude, he’s still realistic.
92. Hilarious when he’s being blunt
93. Surprisingly ok with fudging the truth. Like when he tells Asahi that he’s the only one that hasn’t gotten over the Date Tech match which is blatantly untrue. ��
94. got so worried about his dream that he physically came to the gym to make sure it wasn’t taken over by the basketball team 😭
95. Simps over Shimizu like she deserves
96. For someone who claims to be terrified all the time, he’s damn good at keeping it together
97. his little rooftop freak out before the Inarizaki match
98. gorgeous eyes
99. the haircut that just adds to the unassuming look hes got
100. Doing hundreds of penalties only made him incorporate penalties into Karasuno's normal training routine. Such a masochist.
101. Has the sweetest friendship with Suga and Asahi
102. might not be a monster but has his moments of monster-esque insanity nonetheless. Tell me this doesn't sound like something Hinata or Kageyama would say
103. noya compared his defense skills to yaku who's possibly the best libero in the entire damn series (!!!)
Basically he's just the best and I love him so much that I started with goal of writing 20 and ended up with 103
*edit: initially had 102 but number 103 i came across and couldn't not include it
#sawamura daichi#haikyuu!!#haikyu#daichi sawamura#hq!!#listen i started w/ 20 and then ended up w/ 60 so i thought i'd just do the round 100 and be done with it but by the time i organized it#i ended up with like 115-ish which i figured might be a tad long#even for me#so i whittled it down to my top 102 faves#and why yes this was in fact spitefuly spawned by that hq captain poll#real life got in the way so its a couple days late but#edit: i did eventually realize i somewhat repeated a couple but oh well
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Head in my hands wondering if I'll have to cut the entire Chume Labs section out because it's more suited to being a different chapter, but also knowing the next chapter can't have it either so I might have to cut it from this fic entirely aaaAAAAAAAAAA
#i talk#fic talk#I was thinking I could stay up a while and try to finish this chapter so I could maybe post it tomorrow#but this is really eating me up#On the one hand... a solely Fuga chapter would be great#on the other hand... this chapter is supposed to show their growth from Fuga to the Chume Labs era#(even if it IS 99% about Fuga)#because that's what the chapter's theme is about#Agh#I'll keep chipping away at things regardless#Anyways for folks who like numbers#so far of everything I've already written / edited I have 5588 words#If I solely make this a Fuga chapter there are 1135 words left in my draft#meaning the final total of the chapter will be around 7000 words more or less since I tend to add a lot more stuff when I'm editing#I've got 1870 words (approximately) written for the Chume Labs section#which means if I do the entire Fuga + Chume Labs part this chapter will probably be just under 10000 words#@ __________ @#Maybe I should split this chapter up and make the Chume Labs part an interlude#Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm#Or maybe I'll throw it in Chapter 4 after all. Hell I dunno#We'll see how I feel once I finish editing all the Fuga stuff#I'm pretty happy with the Fuga stuff though but oh boy did it kill me#I think the reason I'm waffling about the Chume Labs bit is because technically it wasn't supposed to be included in this chapter#I had the idea two (?) ish weeks ago and went ''Wait that's a great idea to add''#which is how 99% of my writing goes and is one of the reasons why everything takes so long lol#But anyways. Yeah it's looking like no chapter update today (or I guess tomorrow depending on your timezone)#Sorry guys!#But it's almost done
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i’m not too fond of tkd anymore however, the queer kids confiding in me at the training center makes it so damn difficult to leave can i just adopt them T — T
#their religions are stricter than mine one of them almost got into conversion therapy and has been...berated to say the least#can i just take that suffering from them im used to religious bullshit anyway w my dad being a pastor and my mom an ex nun#why why would you say mean things to your child when theyre just figuring themselves out why why why fucking die#i absented for two ish weeks but now im back bc the same queer kids want me to join them in the upcoming tournament#so i listed myself up 😭😭😭👍#im just comforting them with the fact that as an adult it gets easier. the autonomy. not how their oarents or teachers view them.#i just want good things for them. i hope when i move out of this place we can maintain communication. i want to support them#just one. if one person isn't disgusted by u it makes so much of a difference and i want to be that for them bc no one was to me till 18#as long as im not moving out i will stick to that training center. i hope things work out for them. i hope they dont feel alienated#in their own body#or feel like a disgrace#tw rant#fucking colonizers and their christianity we were doing FINE without it and now look at the stupid things religion makes parents do. god.
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idk how I’m gonna be a functioning person when going to the park with my cousin fucked me up so bad I only now feel like I’m actually in my body
#I got so overwhelmed I had a headache n then couldn’t talk n my whole body felt off#I have spent two hours laying in bed taking deep breaths and wiggling my feet n only now am I feeling okay ish#Wasn’t even a busy park and we were only there for an hour#I just got tired and it too to long for my mom to get me so I went weird#I don’t even know why I get like this maybe it’s anxiety ???#Screaming
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love (hate) when im Thinking about my childhhod and im like "yeah it was pretty normal and good ithink" and then i fuckingg Rember
#like oh that one wasnt very good !#personal#<- ish#<- but boy are these tags about to be#this is about the time i didnt respond to my dad's text when i was in the middle of a highschool tour with my sibling#(<- they came with cause why the hell not)#and on the drive back home he went on this rant about how we dont know what money's worth (completely unrelated !)#and he literally told us To Our Faces that it wouldve been better if we werent born ! like sir whose fault is that one !!#and theres definitely more but for once im thankful for my head blocking shit out of my memories#and how hed yell at me for making Basic Fucking MIstakes (once when i was EIGHT i spilt water down the stairs and#he yelled at me for .i forgot how long but too fukcing long#and made me get him to bring my cups downstairs for a month after and then he forgot and yelled at me AGAIN#for asking him to bring my cup down AFTER TELLING ME I HAD TO#and so so much more like . the yelling got so bad that when i twisted my ankle#(only real ones remember)#i was scared of telling him cause i KNEW he'd be like 'do you have any clue how much the doctor's gonna cost blah blah'#and i just . didnt tell him#we used to have money issues and he'd always make me feel like shit for asking for anything that costed money ever#so i just didnt tell him when i was sick or injured or when i needed something cause he would get mad at ME like . hello#AnyWay ! so yeah thats the rundown of some of my severe trauma that still affects me to this day
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Not me legitimately looking up flights to Ireland for a last minute near-mental-breakdown solotrip...
#i don't even know why i feel like i'm about to have a mental breakdown but yeah I feel like i'm gonna have one lol#so why not have it by literally running away for a couple days to ireland#i say as if i've ever taken a plane by myself and didn't only just got over most of my flying fears less than 2 years ago#and haven't only ridden a total of 7 flights in my entire life#and have a job providing me with disposable income#(though i do have plenty of savings but that's for paying the coop transfer fee for my late grandma's apartment)#(i haven't touched that amount in years because i needed it to stay. theoretically i could MAYBE spare a couple thousand)#(but i don't know the cost of the apt transfer and since i'm unemployed I don't know when i'd be able to recoup it)#(also i've applied to a billion jobs that could theoretically reach out to me at any time so that's another drawback)#i'm in a month-ish long break from therapy and it's not even been a week and i'm already on the verge of a meltdown this is great#well. kind of fitting. when i started with my most recent therapist i literally said in my first meeting#'i don't know what i'm doing with my life. i might run away to new zealand' and now when i meet my new one#it'll either be 'i'm 3 seconds away from booking a last minute trip to ireland' or 'got back from a last minute trip to ireland'#at least i'm consistent in my need to run away from my life without either therapy and/or a full time job to ground me
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Jon split with Caroline and moved back into his parents' place in Hampstead and we got on with the business of falling in love and finding a new guitarist. It was such a perfect moment in my life - everything was coming together.
With Jon there was more affection than I'd ever known. Sex was tender and adventurous. My other boyfriends were all planks of wood who were happy to get blown off and roll over. It was like learning to love from scratch. I couldn't believe Jon had never been with another man, though he swore blind. Eventually he admitted to once kissing his friend, but I always suspected he was hiding something.
#horizontal drummer#culture club#boy george#jon moss#some very important notes:#a) jon was the first good d george had ever had#which makes sense of why george stayed soo long#b) i'm assuming george meant jon came across as more experienced than he should have been#(though other quotes indicate george thought that jon seemed to enjoy the sex more fully than george's straight lovers so it's hard to tell#and as lovely as this tea is#i think george just had a lot of really bad sex with some major tools before getting with jon#and got tripped up by the experience of having a lover who actually gave a shit about whether or not he was having a good time too#instead of recognizing his past lovers did less than the bare minimum he decided planks of wood was the default for straight(ish) men#i'll tumble 4 queue
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