#this gifset is a mess and a half but i tried!

[loversmore]

“i want you to try to smile; it turns out we need to do that.”

happy birthday, @hyunsung! 🤍

[all-pacas]

I think one of the similarities between House and Chase that doesn't get mentioned that much is how fucking allergic they BOTH are to opening up. House is pretty obvious. But Chase? He's such a liar. He will do anything to NOT tell people about his personal shit. He lies to patients about it. He crafts a backstory. It's not as obvious as with House, because Chase is quite good at the Pleasant Facade, but like.

Here's a couple!

"I had a great time getting my tonsils removed, it's why I became a doctor!" Foreman, annoyed, points out he still has his tonsils. In S8, Chase explains the real reason: his mother used to lock him in his dad's study for hours on end, and he'd get bored and read textbooks.

"I did some antics as a teen, but my mother thought I turned out alright!" No, she didn't, she died when he was 17-18.

That one gifset from One Day, One Room. "Keep her asleep," Chase says, incredulous, because why in the world would you ever tell a patient about your past trauma? Why tell anyone?

His dad dies and he kills a patient. He clearly cared about Kayla, he'd bonded with her and her family. He pretends he was hungover and didn't give a shit. He refuses to tell Stacy or the board "I messed up because I was in shock/grieving," even though it ends up saving his job, until House pushes him to admit it. He would rather be sued and lose his job than admit "I was sad my dad died."

Most of his lies are actually meant to deflect from his personal life. He's much more private than I think he's given credit for: in the s1 episode with the nun, he lets it slip he hates nuns, and doesn't correct House when House (correctly) assumes he's a Catholic School Kid, but he doesn't tell House or anyone but the patient he actually went to seminary.

Socratic Method? He's clearly got some Issues with alcoholism, and, frustrated, calls Foreman out for assuming he doesn't know just because he's a rich kid. Foreman asks him directly, did you know someone like that? Chase doesn't answer. He spends the episode clearly identifying with the underage son of the patient, but never once utters the words "my mother was an alcoholic."

In 'Cursed,' when Cameron is prodding him about his father, he straight-up refuses to engage. She tries sympathy: nothing. She tries to relate: nothing. She gets frustrated: nothing. He tries very hard to avoid both his father and dealing with House, only opening up when forced. House also spends about half the episode trying to get the truth out of Chase, at one point even declaring they're going to talk about it now -- only for Chase to use the stairs to get away.

S6? He refuses to discuss the divorce, no matter who confronts him about it, no matter how gently. He claims he's fine, as he lies in the lounge, rubbing his ring-finger. He punches House just to get people to stop asking questions.

S8? He gets stabbed. Whenever one of his collogues ask how he's doing, he recites the same polite "thank you for your concern, but I'm doing very well" line in the same polite way.

The one running theme is that House is very good at getting the truth out of him. Half of these examples end with Chase losing it at House, telling the truth or blowing up or punching him in the face. Because. You know. Who else does that? Who else spends so much time avoiding talking about himself and his past and all the ways he's fucked up?

[starlsssankt]

RE: this gifset

Where do I even begin?

I mean, I'll preface this all with "yes, yes, atrocities committed and countless lives lost and he's a murderous immortal" blah blah blah. I know what the story is trying to say with this character, but bear with me, okay?

One of the things I love about villains/morally grey characters is the reasons behind why they do what they do. I need the nuances, I need the explanations, the whole "why why why" answered. I need to be able to get in their head and reasonably explain the thoughts behind what led to certain actions.

Which is why I cannot STAND it when some shows/books/etc. diminish those complex characters down to one-dimensional "Disney villains". But that's a rant for another day.

When it comes to the Darkling, I think this set shows really well (and it was one of the better scenes done in s2 of the show, let's be honest) how many times he's gone through the same old path, the same old fight, lost more people than anyone can remotely imagine...

I've always head-canoned, of course, that he tried to work "within" the system at first. He tried the peaceful approach, the "let's get more rights for Grisha, let's get them a safe place in society" by whispering in different ears of the nobility/royalty, by trying to orchestrate it as, I don't know, "legally" as he could.

Every single time, it didn't work. It either wasn't enough, or he didn't have the power to truly affect the change he wanted, or whatever the reason, he came to the conclusion that the only language those in current power would understand was VIOLENCE.

(To reference different real life things, you have it with every sort of marginalized group in history, every sort of revolution/rebellion/etc. There are those who work in the "peaceful" way and then those who are more "radical" about it. I firmly believe Aleksander started as the former and after so many (life)times, became the latter.)

The only other being that he knows that is enough like him that he doesn't really fear losing them, is his mother. Until such a point that Alina comes along and ...

Yeah. Another topic for another day.

But even then, ultimately, he does lose Baghra. And in that moment, he feels that overwhelming pressure of being utterly, truly alone. No one else bears what he does, no one else has seen what he has, has endured what he has--so how could they possibly understand?

Of course, after all those lifetimes, of seeing the same thing happening again and again and again-- He cracked, for lack of better words.

I mean, we see in Demon in the Wood how he was as a child, how Grisha lives in general were. Think of any marginalized group in history, and imagine being not only a part of that group, but marginalized even within that group.

That is what he and Baghra endured. Not only were they marginalized because they were Grisha (which dealt with enough prejudice on that fact alone), but they were shadow summoners, which marginalized them even from other Grisha. (Tack on the whole "he's an amplifier" and you get even more distance.)

So of course, after (who knows how many) lifetimes and decades and centuries, after losing friends and lovers and every single person he meets and knows (outside of Baghra) to (and I quote) "sickness, desperation, hate, and time", he's closed himself off from letting anyone in.

What's the point, when he'd just lose them? Why let himself feel anything for anyone else when they'd fall in one way or another, and he'd continue trudging onward...?

And there's the whole "reinvent yourself" aspect he names here, too. Because yes, think about it: He can't just continue in the same line. He has to become an entirely new person. Lies and half-truths that make up one identity after another... To never quite be known by the truth of who you are, to the point even your true name isn't what you're called?

What sort of mess does that do to a person's sense of self? Their identity? He clings to his name tattooed on his heart because he doesn't want to lose who he is-- and I don't even want to think of the mess his head ultimately is in, after doing all of this for literal centuries. (Dude needs major therapy but yeah...)

I mean, has he ever known a moment's peace? Because let's remember:

Grisha (marginalized)

Shadow Summoner (further marginalization within that)

Amplifier (secrets b/c lack of touch, assassination attempts, etc.)

Immortal (literally outlives every single other being save one and then ultimately even does that when Baghra dies)

All those facets of who he is, not a single one of them let him know peace. Prejudiced with some of them by others, literally hunted and killing attempts by others (amplifier)...

I mean, this guy was totally messed up from the get-go. (Again, dude needs major therapy.)

But yeah... ultimately, his intentions were right. And can we really blame him (completely) for shattering after all this? After a past like this? For finally saying "you know what, fuck it. they want a monster, i'll give them a monster to get the result" or whatever.

And I will now end (sort of) this rambling post with the fact that I don't think anyone could have acted the hell out of this character like Ben did. To put forth those nuances and give him depth that even the pages themselves sometimes lacked.

I've said it before and I'll say it one more time here: I love the Grishaverse for a lot of the potential it had. The avenues to really dig in and explore, the nuances and the motifs of light and dark and yin and yang...

I'd kill for some more of that... yeah...

Okay. I'll stop now.

(Sorry this got so long... Oops.)

[rotblut]

ohh do you mind expanding on why you didn't like crash course in romance? i saw so many gifsets i was thinking of watching it but i just saw your tags saying it was a bad drama

.

not going into details because you wouldn't understand it if i talked about a lot of specific characters and plot progressions/events that happened in the drama. So gonna be keeping it really generic. But it was written in a really flat way, with no consistent progression of character arcs and a coherent plot. main plot "A" had mostly nothing to do with murder subplot "B" but later on they lazily interwined them just to wrap it up in such a rushed way. characters acting OOC by the end of the drama even tho they were established a certain way in the first half. it was sexist and misogynistic (but a lot of dramas are lmao). lots of plotholes and shit made no sense and the subplots were inconsistent and not even half-assed because they fully were dumb. it tried to incorporate 28283 different genres by the end of this drama like what the f???????? and it fucked up the romcom genre by including a murder subplot and other weird shit. conclusions to a subplot were rushed and anti-climatic. lots of relationships made no sense and putting together characters that hardly interacted or interacted in a non-romantic way was also weird. The leads saved it and the family was cute and all but overall what a mess when you judge it based on the scipt alone. so wouldn't rec it to anyone. waste of time. maybe watch some FMVs of it on some social media sites that's really it. mess 😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😩😩😩😩😩

[glassfullofsass]

fuck okay so @hellsfireclub asked me to continue the thoughts I dumped in the tags of my reblog like a month two months ago re: ancient Greek theatrical conventions.

Tbh I do not have the academic chops to do this justice but I tried. I have about three half composed essays proposals about this topic floating around in my head that I’ve shoved into this. I've included links and added photos. Buckle up folks, this is under the cut for a reason.

I apologize to OP for hijacking this gorgeous collection of gifs, but they're what inspired this conversation so I'm not going to make my own post.

I'll explain my tags cause they were a mess:

There are the obvious mythological connections of Helen and Cassandra, and the fall of Troy. However, this particular gifset reminds me of the Greek theatrical practice of role doubling, and I propose that the cast is organized like a Greek Play: three principle actors (Monáe, Craig, and Norton) and a chorus (the rest of the Disruptors). 

The other characters (Philip,Claire’s family, Duke’s Mom)  are so minor that they can be dismissed for the purpose of this discussion, but I’ll revisit.

Of our principal actors, Monáe is the one that plays multiple characters, and I propose that she plays three: Helen-Cassandra, Helen, and Flashback-Cassandra.

Another practice of ancient Greek theatre is masks (not the health kind, but masks disguising the full face). The movie utilizes the health kind as a narrative tool to tell us about the characters, then supplies the characters with an excuse to not wear them. The theatrical masks would be inappropriate for this movie, and so the plot device of the identical twins is offered up in order to resolve the issue of physical disguise.

Super brief gif ids for the OG post:

One: Helen-Cassandra right before she tears apart Mile's 'disruptor' explanation.

Two: flashback-Cassandra in her office. Wearing black and white.

Three: Helen-Cassandra stepping out of the taxi on the dock.

Four: Helen talking to Blanc about clues, wearing Cassandra's clothes.

Five: flashback-Cassandra in the courtroom. Wearing grey.

Six: Helen talking to Blanc about Cassandra's notebooks the night before they leave for the island. She is wearing clothes that are likely Cassandra's, and her hair has been changed, but she has not started embodying Cassandra yet.

Seven: Helen in one of Cassandra's dresses in a moment alone on the island.

Eight: Helen drinking whiskey in front of everyone just before she starts breaking glass. At this point everyone knows that she is Helen and that Cassandra is dead.

[end ids]

(This is not the place, but someone PLEASE talk about the palate and arc of Monáe's wardrobe).

Okay SO, some ancient Greek info:

The Trojan war (and the lives of Helen and Cassandra), however much may be truth or myth, is placed 13-12 BCE.

The Greek Plays we know today (Oedipus Rex, Medea, Lysistrata, etc) are largely from the 5th century BCE. Greece held competitions for playwrights and we know a lot about how, who, and what, even though most of the plays themselves did not survive.

Some theatrical conventions of your average 5th century Greek Play:

Three Actor Rule - Actors were professionals, and they were a limited resource. They were paid by the state and several plays happened at once. Some plays may have even been staged with just two principal actors. 

Role Doubling- if you wanted more than three speaking characters in your cast, you needed your principal actors to take on more than one role. Obviously who-plays-who is dependent on which characters are on stage at the same time. Having the same actor in multiple roles can and often does add a meta element.

Chorus- a group of actors that sing/dance/speak as one character, serving as a participatory audience and guide for the actual audience into the action of the play. They are situational based on the story (ie, in Medea the chorus is named “women of  Corinth” because that’s where the play is set and it’s important to the story that Medea have a group of women to interact with). There can be a chorus 'leader' who takes most of the spoken lines, physically leads the other members, etc.

Masks - in ancient Greece, theatrical masks covered the full face, with holes for the eyes, nostrils, and mouth. Chorus and actors all wore them. Constructed and fitted correctly, these masks actually assisted in ensuring the whole audience could hear the actors. They exaggerated expressions so audience members could better see, disguised actors playing multiple roles, expressed either comedic or more serious moods, and actually helped distribute sound throughout the amphitheater.

(i appologize, idk how to make the pictures smaller)

[id: a theatrical mask on a black background. The mask is made of hardened linen and is painted to match a caucasian skin tone. The lips are parted and the linen is cut out between them, the eyes are lined in dark brown and the whites are white, the irises are cut out. The hair is made of pale grey/beige tightly curled yarn. End id]

[id: A picture of seven people wearing tunics and Greek-style theatrical masks like the one pictured previously. They are standing on grass, with a neutral backdrop. One actor stands apart, wearing red. The group is the chorus, wearing a range of soft blue-purple. A range of skin tones is represented and each mask is painted to match the skin tone of the actor wearing it, obvious based on the actors’ bare arms. End id] Photo credit: Randolph College, from the 2021 production “Heracles & Deianeira.” 

Conventions in modern practice:

Just because these practices are hallmarks of ancient Greek theatre does not mean they are confined to productions of the Greek plays. 

Limited casting (though not, perhaps, a strict three actor limit) and role doubling are seen across all kinds of media, and there are plenty of examples of theatrical masks across time and culture.

That I cannot think of other examples of a chorus dynamic outside of Glass Onion almost certainly speaks more to my ignorance/lack of imagination than an actual lack of the practice.

A few specific examples of limited casting and subsequent role doubling, in theatre and other media:

Theatre: Shakespeare's plays are often doubled (The American Shakespeare Center’s Spring 2023 production of As You Like It casts seven actors across 19 parts). Tom Stoppard's Arcadia  takes place across two timelines and casts actors to play one character in the present day and a different character in the past. Lin Manuel Miranda's Hamilton has a number of roles that only appear in one act or the other, and are paired off (Lafayette-Jefferson, Peggy-Maria, etc).

Audio dramas: Wolf 359 casts Zach Valenti as Eiffel and Hilbert. The Penumbra Podcast, an anthology, casts a number of actors in multiple stories and occasionally multiple times within the same story. In Kalila Stormfire’s Economical Magick Services, Lisette Alvarez plays the titular Kalia as well as Shadow, a separated part of Kalila with differing goals. 

Tabletop role playing games like Dungeons and Dragons demand that the game master voice multiple characters, an aspect which has carried into podcast, video, and staged versions of these games such as The Adventure Zone. She Kills Monsters by Qui Nguyen is a scripted play that uses Dungeons and Dragons as a vehicle for the story and so each actor has a primary role and a secondary ‘in-game’ role.

On screen, we have Monáe in Glass Onion, and Lindsay Lohan in The Parent Trap, another twin-based narrative. The Leverage (2008) episodes The Van Gogh Job, and The DB Cooper Job, and Leverage Redemption (2021) episode The Jackal Job all cast the main actors as their usual roles and also as characters from a historical narrative unfolded within each episode. In Doctor Who, Peter Capaldi played a roman five years before he was cast as the Doctor, a doubling that the writers built a story around.

To throw in a few examples of masks outside of Greek plays: In Noh Theatre, the Japanese drama form dating back to the 1300s, masks represent the supernatural, among other things.  Webber's Phantom of the Opera, features both the masked phantom and a masquerade ball. Stagings of Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing often rely on masks to allow Beatrice to unknowingly converse with Benedick, and sometimes to disguise Margaret as Hero. A very science-fiction, highly technological mask is used in Marvel’s properties, like when Natasha Romanoff disguises herself in Captain America and the Winter Soldier. 

Now that we've reviewed the conventions and thought about some other examples, let's apply the conventions to Glass Onion. 

Three actors: Monáe, Craig, and Norton

Doubling: Monáe plays multiple roles. I break them down as:

Helen-as-Cassandra

Helen

Flashback-Cassandra (I label her this was as the 'actual' Cassandra dies before the timeline of the film and many of the flashbacks are speculative)

Chorus: the rest of the Distruptors, including Whiskey and Peg. They are Mile's sycophants until the very end when, finally, they save their own skin together by turning on Miles as a whole.

Masks: In this film, full-face theatrical masks would have been inappropriate for the staging and storytelling.

However, it is set in a universe that experiences the (a?) viral pandemic, and so masks covering the nose and mouth for contamination reasons are a relevant symbol and tool.

The film gives the characters (including the chorus) individual personalities regarding mask wearing and then gives them all an excuse to not wear them. 

This has been hashed out by folks more eloquent than I: individual characters have different reactions to the masks and the spray. They have different levels of risk aversion and different responses to the social mores of mask wearing.

I don’t have a lot more to say about masks in the film, but at the end I’ll throw out some ideas for staging Glass Onion as a play and using masks for such a production.

To me, the most interesting “Greek” aspect of the film is the role doubling, because all the layers of Monáe's performance culminate here:

Helen-Cassandra: 

My life was taken away from me by someone, by everyone in this room.

My life! Do you even know what that means?

Helen is the living person in this scene, but if this were staged with masks, she would be wearing Helen-Cassandra mask. She is wearing Cassandra's clothes, talking with Cassandra's affect, and the Chorus/Disruptors still believe her to be Cassandra. (And so does the audience, as this is before the reveal.)

This means that Cassandra is able to speak in this moment. Because Monáe is both Cassandra and Helen, because Helen is acting as Cassandra, Cassandra's voice is heard post-mortem, condemning those who betrayed her. Helen gets her moment of catharsis, to express her sister's life as her own, and she gives Cassandra one last chance to speak her truth.

It is worth noting, too, that we see here another nod to the mythological Cassandra. This speech is just shortly before Miles shoots Helen. Helen, who the chorus still believes is Cassandra, tells them that she is dead, and they don't believe her. 

There is something in here that someone more articulate could probably pin down, about Cassandra making true prophecies but never being believed, and Helen-Cassandra speaking a truth about her life being taken that isn't understood/believed but has already happened and proceeds to play out falsely.

[Aside, I do wonder… presumably Miles knows Helen exists. But… is Miles aware of his own stupidity?

Miles left before confirming that he killed Andy. When Helen first arrives at the island in the guise of Cassandra, does Miles wonder if maybe Andy didn't die? Is there a moment that he wonders if he failed to kill her? After all, Miles isn't very good at doing things right.]

Miles shoots Helen-Cassandra, killing her but failing to kill Helen. Cassandra dies for good this time, but this 'death' serves as an unmasking. The next time the Disruptors see her, Blanc is unfolding the mystery and introduces her as Helen.

Honestly, the more I think about it, the more the Glass Onion plot aligns itself with the depths of the Greek dramas and myths. A sister dies. A living sister takes her place to uncover her murderer. My life! She tells the chorus. She quite literally burns down the life of the man who killed her sister.

In just a few (incredibly overly simplified) examples:

Antigone defies a king to honor her brother, at the expense of her life. The king loses his son and wife for refusing to bend. 

Medea slaughters her children, a king, and the king’s daughter in order to hurt her unfaithful husband. Her chorus is sympathetic with her plight and - though they have misgivings and disagree with her choices - are complicit, failing to stop her or warn her victims. 

The Orestian plays detail a series of murders within a family, starting with the “sacrifice” of a daughter and ending with her brother driven mad for killing their mother.

Also, to note, there are plenty of ways that casting in Greek plays can give voice to the dead, so to speak. An actor might play both a king, and the messenger that delivers news of that king’s death. Elektra lives, but in Libation Bearers, she disappears from the stage after confirming plans to kill her mother. Elektra’s actor must then, if roles are doubled, return as Klytaimestra, Elektra’s mother. 

These echos- the same actor giving voice to such entangled characters, give us, as the audience, so much to delve into.

All that said, I have a few thoughts about staging Glass Onion as if it were a Greek play. 

Again, please note this is not my area of expertise. I am not giving any consideration for how you would physically construct a set and what it would look like. I am not thinking about how you would stage a three-way call or a combination Zoom call/communal video game. Please don’t @ me on this.

Three actors and the roles they fill (I’ll use A, B, and C in place of actor names): 

A: Helen, Helen-Cassandra, Flashback-Cassandra, Duke’s mom

B: Blanc, musician at Birdie’s party, news anchor, delivery person, lawyer

C: Miles, Philip, “Efficient Man” (Tony Hawke’s character), Boat Captain, Claire’s husband 

Now, we know that Glass Onion is not a Greek Play and that Philip is played by romcom actor Hugh Grant and that the “random” person with such topical knowledge at Birdie’s is Yo-Yo Ma. There are metatextual reasons to cast them with these actors. However. That’s not the assignment at this specific moment.

Chorus: This is definitely not a Greek Play thing, but I would propose that Blanc’s friends in the Amongus Zoom call be played by the Disruptors in different masks. Blanc’s friends are not the same as the Disruptors, but I think this could highlight that fact.

Claire’s kids can be played by actual kids (as with productions of Medea). Crowds/background extras can be done away with.

The only character I have a real problem casting is Derol (this is apparently the real spelling. I hate it too.) He appears alongside each of our main actors and he is not part of the chorus. He’s also, specifically, a thorn in the movie because of the pandemic he represents. I’m not sure how to handle Derol exactly; the very nature of his role is incompatible with doubling.

Masks:

Each of Actor B and Actor C’s characters would have different masks.

Actor A would have one mask for Duke’s mom, and one mask for the other three roles with three different wigs. This would actually be consistent with the movie: Helen, when her hair is done like Andi’s, parts it on the ‘wrong’ side. Functionally, this is totally doable. One company uses magnets to make the wigs detachable from their masks. I’m sure velcro and snaps would also be viable options.

Uhhhhh yeah, thanks for coming to my very disorganized ted talk?

Janelle Monáe as Helen Brand/Cassandra Brand in GLASS ONION: A KNIVES OUT MYSTERY (2022) dir. Rian Johnson

[hendrixalisons]

GLEE MEME , nine episodes.

born this way ( 2x18 ) → that’s me. my middle name is quinn, i stopped going by lucy because kids made up a mean nickname, lucy caboosey. i hated the way i looked. i had zits; i was chubby. i felt terrible about myself. i didn’t have friends. nobody would talk to me. i was the only kid at school who had to dissect their own frog because nobody would be my lab partner. and then i joined ballet, lost a little bit of weight, found out i was athletic and joined gymnastics and cheerleading, went on proactiv for my acne; and, when my dad got transferred he got a raise, and i asked him if i could get a nose job, and he said yes, and i asked them to call me quinn. i love myself, and that's why i did all those things. i’ve been that girl, and i’m never going back. i was a miserable little girl. and now i’m gonna be prom queen.

[amyscascadingtabs]

this is sappy but whatever. i wrote most of this before the season started (which is why i come off as reasonable and somewhat mentally stable about all of this) but felt appropriate to post it now as a thank you. ❤️

i have vivid memories from the night b99 was cancelled. the news came late evening my time, and i had been editing fic and checked twitter and there it was. loud and clear. i don’t remember which site it was but the picture was jake and amy with their wedding cake and that made everything feel even worse.

i remember freaking out even though i had been prepared, because those last days before the news hit on tumblr were... panicked. but i still freaked out to the extent that i ran outside in my pajama pants and hoodie and blue plastic slippers and called my mom, and then i walked up and down the streets where i lived in the darkness and cried in frustration as she tried to talk me down. i remember there were random guys with motorcycles out? but i was too hysterical to care. i’m pretty sure i screamed something to my mom about ”HOW CAN BIG BANG THEORY GET A BILLION SEASONS BUT THIS SHOW GETS CANCELLED????”

i know everyone who was in the fandom at the time has their cancellation story. what played the biggest part in mine was the fact that i felt like i hadn’t had enough time. really, i had only just become active in the fandom, only just started interacting with people on here and writing my first few fics, but i was absolutely loving it. it was giving me happiness again after a long period of emptiness and depressive feelings. when it was cancelled, what made me feel the worst was the fact that i’d had so little time – to make friends, write fic and react to episodes together. i felt deeply jealous of everyone who’d gotten more.

thinking about it coming to an end now has made me remember that night and those feelings of jealousy. because i did get more time. i got three more years. that night, i remember asking for just one, for a half, for anything, and i got three years.

and these three years have been a whirlwind of emotions and feelings and episodes and debates and discussions and gifsets and fanfic and asks and having this as my safe space while pretty much everything changed around me in the outside world, and i just want you all to know that i have never taken a single day of them for granted. this show could have been taken from me before i’d ever gotten the chance to grow with it and alongside it, and instead it was part of my life for three whole years.

i have a really, really good memory (four time quiz champion anyone? just me?okay <3), and i remember so much of it in such detail, and it's so weird to think about how long it's been when it also feels like yesterday.

i remember my first comment on peraltiago parenting experience, my first episode-related fic, the insane high after the renewal, staying up all night to watch the wedding live. i remember writing fanfiction on the beach while on vacation in greece, on a plane to berlin, at home on my parents balcony late late at night. i remember the honeymoon episode title being released, s6 starting filming again, the excitement over every little piece of news and finding about the cast directing. i remember labor fic and christmas fics and when i scroll back to pictures of my paris trip in january 2019 it's interspersed with a billion pictures of andy at the golden globes. i remember lighting my fairy lights in my little basement room and watching season 6 in bed at 2.30 am if it was a big episode, and watching it in the morning before fridays in high school most days. i remember writing post-ep fics during classes and on my phone on subways and trains. i remember the s7 news, and the casecation nerves and debates, and fucking kissgate. being named "the class amy santiago" by my friends when we graduated and getting a little silver paper plate to show for it. i remember the first fic exchange and inventing julian and simon santiago and i remember meeting @johnny-and-dora and eating wagamamas in manchester and talking about how simon santiago was DEFINITELY on the stairs and buying a little fake plant that i named andy plantberg (he's still in a box somewhere). i remember writing fic during slow hours in the ice cream shop i worked at. moving and putting up my framed b99 poster in my own apartment (very much still up). finding out about trying and everyone going fucking crazy. infertility fic. melissa's pregnancy news. s7 promo and standing outside my job the very first day and texting siân "AMY HAS TO PEE!!!!!???" because that was in the promo and we knew there were pregnancy tests involved in the first episode. the crazy happiness of s7 finally premiering. everyone going crazy about jake and amy deciding to start trying and how i could quote the scene verbatim the next few days. the week leading up to trying, what turned out to be the last normal week before the pandemic. the fucking MESS i was after that. the following week and ding dong and crying with happiness. being dizzy with hyperfixation joy the following day and barely feeling aware of the covid pandemic for the first few days because i was just thinking about jake and amy having a baby. getting through the first few weeks mostly because of b99. admiral peralta and finding out we were having a BOY and not even being disappointed even though the headcanon had been the opposite for years because it was perfect. the iconic b99 quizzes. lights out and mac being born. somehow managing 475 days before season 8, coping together when we got the news about the final season, watching the cast do their final day of filming. the first stream being interrupted by a storm warning and cutting out several minutes because of course. getting to see parents peraltiago and MAC and the insane speed with which those few seconds were giffed. more b99 quizzes. the vow renewal. the finale.

i remember all of it and so much more and as much as my heart is breaking, i’m trying to remind myself that i could have gotten none of this.

brooklyn nine-nine has been such an important part of my life. and it always, always will be, forever. i could have lost it all that night, and instead i got three more years. if i'd known that when i was walking the streets outside my house in the darkness in complete panic, i would have cried with happiness.

so thank you. all of you. for everything. ❤️❤️❤️ for the friendships, the joy, the asks, the debates, the fic response, EVERYTHING. whether we've shared three years or one or less, just know that i'm so grateful.

have some random pictures i found and screenshots from my private instagram (which is inactive so don't bother) from when i started this hyperfixation. jesus lmao 😭😭😭😭 i am less insane now. no i'm not. but i express it less on instagram.

[spencers-renaissance]

can't un-sing a song that's sung.

Summary: The worst thing about it is that Derek isn’t even surprised when he gets the call.

Tags: drug use, overdose, hurt/comfort, guilty derek & hotch, angst with a hopeful ending, bedside vigils, protective derek & hotch NO MCD

Pairing: Gen (Platonic Derek Morgan & Spencer Reid; Aaron Hotchner & Spencer Reid)

Word Count: 1.8k

Masterlist // Read on AO3 // Bad Things Happen Bingo

Major TWs, obviously. I'm just so angry that no-one did anything about Spencer's addiction in season two, so I decided to punish Derek and Hotch by having the (almost) worst-case scenario come to fruition. Fic inspired by this gifset & title from this poem (v short but v poignant) Fills the 'Overdose' square on my Bad Things Happen Bingo card.

The worst thing about it is that Derek isn’t even surprised when he gets the call.

His heart sinks, of course, and his stomach feels like it bottoms out. His chest tightens and he struggles to breathe for a minute and a half, his hands clamming up as his tongue freezes and he can’t find the words to respond to Hotch over the phone. But he isn’t surprised. And that, when it really and truly comes down to it, is exactly where his sins lie.

He races as quickly as he can to the hospital, not obeying the traffic laws by any stretch of the imagination as his hands grip so tightly at the steering wheel that his knuckles turn white and the pattern of the leather; the seams where it's sewn imprint themselves on his palm. His heart pounds rapidly and it’s all he can hear, blood thudding in his ears as the tight knot of anxiety sits heavy in his stomach.

He’s just pulling into the hospital car park when he realises that the last time he felt like this — God, the last time he felt like this was when he first realised Spencer was missing all those months ago. He heaves a dry sob as he abandons his car in a space he hopes is the right one, and slams his palm down hard on the steering wheel once.

He allows himself one more guilt-ridden, heartbroken sob before he forces himself to calm down, doing his best to ignore the tumultuous emotions raging inside him as he shuts the car door behind him and hurries towards the entrance.

It’s hard not to cry when he first locks eyes on Hotch. Seeing his calm, stoic supervisor in a state of utter disarray — red-rimmed eyes, messed up hair, ruffled clothes — somehow makes this all seem a bit too real. Maybe in the car ride over he’d still clung to a small, pathetic bit of hope that this is all a nightmare, that he’ll wake up in a minute and he’ll drive to work and Spencer will already be at his desk, beavering away.

In the harsh lights and bustling noise of the hospital corridor, he knows that’s not going to happen.

They don’t say anything as they stare at one another, both clearly struggling to bite back the raw emotion threatening to spill from their eyes, to unleash itself in a full blown meltdown. Eventually, Hotch sits back down and buries his face in his hands, and Derek joins him on the little two-seater bench.

He doesn’t claim to know much about hospitals or medical care in general, but he knows for damn sure that waiting on a bench outside the ICU is not good, and he’s doing everything in his power to not think about that too hard.

They’ve been sat in stony silence for countless minutes before Derek finally lifts his head, though he still can’t bring himself to look at Hotch again. “Have you called the others?”

Hotch swallows, and Derek can see the tear-tracks trailing down the side of his face out of the corner of his eye. He pretends not to notice them.

“No,” he says, voice unsettlingly shaky. “Only you.”

He decides now is not the time to dwell on that. “Is he— is he going to lose his job?”

The only reason none of them had done anything sooner was because they knew how important this job is to Spencer. And Derek hates with a burning, roaring passion that their hesitation; their cowardly delay, might have cost him his life instead. Just the thought brings another choked sob from his lips, and this time the tears come with it. Before he knows it, his shoulders are shaking violently and all the emotions Derek is struggling to name finally come pouring out, right into Hotch’s lap.

He feels an arm wrap around him and he’s too broken not to lean into it, seeking comfort from the one person in the entire world who can offer it right now. Falling apart in his superior’s arms is not how he saw his Thursday evening going, but he’s too exhausted to care.

By the time he finally pulls away, Hotch is crying too, and they sit a little closer on the bench.

“Spencer won’t lose his job,” he says determinedly, looking Derek in the eyes. “Not if I have anything to say about it.”

Derek knows that they will have to lie. Papers will be forged and Hotch will be backed into an impossible corner, and he knows that they could lose their jobs if they are ever found out. He doesn’t fucking care. They’ve already failed Spencer in a disgusting, immeasurable, utterly unforgivable way, and he’ll be damned if they ever do that again.

“Good,” he says, and that’s the end of that.

Derek doesn’t understand most of what the doctor tells them, but he doesn’t really care that much for the technicalities anyway. All he cares about is that Spencer had overdosed in the parking garage of his building and was found by a neighbour he doesn’t even know that well. He cares that a damn near stranger was there for Spencer when he wasn’t, and he cares that Hotch was called as his emergency contact, and as such, Derek can finally step up. He can walk into his room and hold his hand and tell him that he’s here now, and he’s not leaving again.

He cares that Spencer is going to be okay.

He’s still asleep when they’re finally allowed to take their seats by his bedside, and Derek tries very hard not to cry at the sight of him, but it isn’t easy. There’s still a bluish tint to his fingernails, and he looks pale and clammy under the oxygen mask. Medicine drips slowly into the line connected to the cannula in the crook of his elbow, and the heart rate echoing out from the monitors is still alarmingly quick.

The evidence of Derek’s failings is staring him right in the face, and it’s hard not to turn away, but he refuses to let himself. He has a lot to make up to Spencer, but he can damn well start by sitting with him here in his darkest hour.

“We all knew.”

Derek looks up from Spencer’s hand to meet Hotch’s eyes. “Yeah.”

“We all knew, and we didn’t do anything about it.” The guilt in Hotch’s voice is momentous enough to rival Derek’s own, and it hurts to hear. Derek failed Spencer as a colleague and a friend-maybe-something-more, but Hotch failed him as a father figure.

He feels tears well up in his eyes again and he does his best to swallow them back down. “Emily did.”

A violent sob tears itself out of Hotch’s lungs, and it’s so loud that Derek almost flinches. “And isn’t that just so much worse? She barely knows him! I met him at lunch with Gideon when he was nineteen, I’ve known him for seven years! Before all of this went down, he almost called me ‘dad’. And I sat back and watched him suffer with both the PTSD of being kidnapped and the fucking heroin addiction he developed because of that bastard, and I did nothing!”

Derek’s at a loss as he watches Hotch break down in front of him, his voice breaking as he shouts, tears streaming down his face as he dissolves into sobs.

“He’s never gonna forgive me. Nor should he. I can’t stand myself right now.”

A little uncertain of the right thing to do, Derek stands up and crosses to the other side of the bed and wraps his arms around Hotch like he did for him only hours earlier. “We all fucked up,” he agrees, “but we’ll get through this. We might never forgive ourselves, but we can always do better. We can do right by Spencer as he recovers, we can help him get clean, help him keep his job, remind him of how loved he is. We can’t abandon that duty just because we failed at doing it before.”

Hotch sits back up and wipes at his eyes furiously, casting his eyes on Spencer. He reaches a hand out and brushes it through his short but untamed curls tenderly, his thumb caressing his eyebrow and forehead gently.

“I know,” he says quietly. “I won’t fail him again.”

Both Derek and Hotch spring into action as soon as Spencer stirs, waking up slowly through the layers of sleep until he’s staring at both of them with a look of terrified uncomprehension in his eyes.

“Hey,” Hotch says softly, hand moving to cup the side of his face. “You’re alright, you’re safe. You’re in the hospital with me and Derek, and everything’s going to be okay. I promise.”

Spencer slowly looks around the room as the realisation of what’s going on slowly dawns on him, and soon the anxiety is replaced with abject horror and to Derek’s dismay, he immediately starts to cry.

“Hey, hey, pretty boy,” he murmurs as soothingly as he can, following Hotch’s suit and tangling his fingers in Spencer’s hair. “Don’t worry about anything right now, okay? Hotch and I are gonna fix everything right up, and we’re gonna help you. We’re gonna help you like we should’ve helped you before.”

He hates that he loses his composure slightly at the end, but Spencer relaxes slightly so he takes it as a win.

“You can go back to sleep now, Spencer,” Hotch says gently, spotting the signs of exhaustion easily. “We’re gonna stay right here with you, okay? We’ll be here when you wake up.”

When he does finally awaken again, he explains through tears and strangled breaths that he didn’t mean to, that he wasn’t trying to die, he was just so tired and in so much pain that he hadn’t calculated the dosage right.

Hotch and Derek calmly explain that they’re not judging him, and that they’re going to help him through the hospital’s rehab program. Spencer refuses their apologies but they repeat them anyway, trying not to show just how much they hate themselves as they do.

They rope Penelope in, and she helps them make sure Spencer keeps his job, but otherwise their team is entirely oblivious to their chaotic and regret-filled Saturday night spent in George Washington University Hospital.

Most of all, though, Derek does absolutely everything in his power to make sure Spencer is happy, no matter how torn-up and scarred he might feel when he goes home to his own apartment. It isn’t much compared to his property business and his coveted role at the FBI’s behavioural analysis unit, but to Derek it’s his most important and worthy mission in life.

And if that spirals into something more, well. Maybe that’s just one good thing to come out of that small, stuffy, heartbreak-riddled ICU room.

taglist: @suburban--gothic @strippersenseii @takeyourleap-of-faith @negativefouriq @makaylajadewrites @iamrenstark @hotchseyebrows @temily @enbyspencer @reidology @spencerspecifics @bau-gremlin @tobias-hankel @garcias-bitch @oliverbrnch @physics-magic @sbeno22 @im-autistic @anxious-enby @kuolonsyoja @reidreids (add yourself to my taglist via this form!!)

[aiyexayen]

The ChengXian/WangXian parallel gifsets about the sad boat rides with Wen Ning made me think, once again, about how Wei Ying was worried about being the Jiang Cheng in his relationship with Lan Zhan.

Wei Ying just had so few models of relationship, and only two real models of a serious relationship involving himself--Jiang Cheng and Jiang Yanli. He saw himself as a caretaker in each of them.

Even Jiang Yanli, ultimately, though there was certainly more give and take there. He only accepted a very specific kind of caretaking from her, though, and we see how fraught that was in the way Yu-furen shamed Jiang Yanli for it.

But Jiang Cheng was the most complicated. He and Wei Ying were the Yunmeng Shuangjie. Twin Heroes. Both of them strong male cultivators. Their relationship was such a carefully orchestrated imbalance. Wei Ying had to take care of Jiang Cheng even to the point of making sure Jiang Cheng didn’t feel taken care of. He was stronger, but he had to make sure Jiang Cheng didn’t feel weaker.

And at the same time, he had to be able to have his best friend and brother and navigate the lines of teasing and boasting that came with those dynamics and also with his natural brash and outgoing and free-spirited personality. It’s not something that weighed particularly heavy on him until later on, of course; it’s just How Things Were.

But Lan Zhan being Wei Ying's true equal was a heady taste of something new, something he was desperate for.

Someone he didn’t have to take care of in all those tricky, sticky ways. Someone who could understand him from the outside. That equality between them--of swords and strength and wit--formed so much of their early relationship. The ways Wei Ying and Lan Zhan excelled differently weren’t seen as anything but surface-level differences, cultivation styles. They could choose to take care of each other on their own (like in the Xuanwu cave) but there were no expectations except that which they set for themselves.

The best cohesive example I can think of is the situation at Dafan Mountain. Jiang Cheng has taken off after Wei Ying, to come and find his troublemaking brother and bring him home, ostensibly being the one to wrangle and care for his brother and best friend and someday-second. But as soon as he finds them, Wei Ying is clearly the one in charge. Jiang Cheng gets locked into a shield barrier, given a verbal half-teasing pat on the head, and left behind. Wei Ying goes off with Lan Zhan to find the source of the problems and their new level of partnership is beautifully put on display through their fight (other things happen in that fight, too, but that’s another post).

Jiang Cheng was never allowed to truly take care of Wei Ying. His parents never let him. Wei Ying never let him. He tried, all the time, most of all when he gave himself up to the Wen soldiers. But even that was immediately undone, turned back around on him.

Wei Ying never figured out how to attain any semblance of true equilibrium in his relationship with Jiang Cheng, even after everything at Lotus Pier, especially after everything at Lotus Pier, either before or after the core transfer. Maybe if he had, things would have been different. Maybe if he had, he wouldn’t have sacrificed his core to begin with.

It’s debatable how much Wei Ying expected to keep living after his core was gone. It’s even more debatable how much he really thought about anything past his own desperation in the moment, about all the promises broken with that single act, about how that would affect his relationship with anyone else. That doesn’t seem like a very Wei Ying thing to sit and think about.

Regardless, once the core was gone, he and Lan Zhan weren't equals. It messed up his relationship with Jiang Cheng, too, of course. The resentful energy was its own kind of strength but it couldn’t make up the difference in any way that counted. It just complicated everything by a thousand times and added in all kinds of new problems.

Even though Jiang Cheng had his core and Wei Ying had nothing but the tortured screams of the lost and vengeful echoing in his head, Wei Ying was still the caretaker there.

Don’t let Jiang Cheng find out the secret. Don’t let Lan Zhan become embroiled in it or expose the secret. Make sure Jiang Cheng and Jiang Yanli and Lotus Pier are okay. Lift Jiang Cheng up as a leader. Win the war. Apparently still be alive welp didn’t see that coming. Protect them all. Even if it means leaving.

But as much as he scrambled for strengths and leaned on his demonic cultivation he was still weak. Able to wipe out entire outposts of Wen agents yet repeatedly brought to a point where Lan Zhan could kill him easily and we know that the only way he could hope to match him would be to use this dangerous thing that's eating his soul, so shit could really get out of hand. Which wasn't really winning in the end. Demonic cultivation for him in general wasn’t strength so much as carefully-applied weakness.

Not to mention his reputation. They got so far off-balance where reputation and social standing was concerned.

Wei Ying’s merits had been contentious throughout his life--on the one hand, they're all he had to elevate himself beyond the need for the Jiangs' charity, or anyone's charity, as his status as family was so fraught and inconsistent. Being the best made all of that a moot point as much as it could be. And it also made him able to take care of said family, fulfilling all manner of "repay debt" vibes and "I'm obsessed with justice and protection" vibes.

On the other hand, they were definitely part of what made things so difficult with Jiang Cheng. Wei Ying’s reputation outclassing Jiang Cheng’s as a prodigy, a swordsman, a hero, even as he balanced it out by getting a simultaneous reputation for goofing off and being irresponsible. He did his best to make them complementary even though they were never really allowed to be.

But Jiang Cheng said it himself when he visited Wei Ying at the Burial Mounds--as soon as he started walking a different path, all of his merits and his skills and his reputation were turned upside down and used to make him a more effective villain.

So suddenly he didn’t even have any good social standing. He was mistrusted and then hated and reviled. On a number of levels, he could handle that, because it was more important to him that everyone who wasn’t him was okay. But it put him at complete odds with the great Hanguang-Jun, which was definitely something he made a point of noting more than once so we know it really, really mattered to him.

And that knowledge crept further and further in, between the war ending, things going back to some semblance of normal when he...couldn’t, and eventually him ending up in the Burial Mounds.

It was inevitable. He was the weaker one between himself and Lan Zhan, in every possible way. He knew of only one way that could go down.

It's a fear that got tangled up along with the rest of his paranoias, insecurities, traumas, resolutions, and twisted certainties pre-timeskip. On top of that, he lost a central piece of his identity and had no idea how to replace it.

If he isn't himself, who else can he be? Who else might he turn into? Someone who needs to be taken care of? Someone who might have his agency circumvented by a stronger person who thinks he knows better?

He sure did that to Jiang Cheng, and he never really had to own up to that piece of it. He never really regretted it either but he also sure didn't want to be on the other end of it.

Aside from that, Wei Ying just didn't know how to not be the strongest person. Being equal is the closest he’d ever come. He's never been allowed to be weak and taken care of unless he's play-acting and isn't that fucking heartbreaking? Fuck.

So who is he without that?

He still fought with the strengths he had and pretended to have the rest of them. And in one last great act of being the protector and caretaker, ran off to the Burial Mounds.

We do get to see Wei Ying and Lan Zhan working in tandem to bring back Wen Ning, and even though Wei Ying stumbles at the end (for the first time ever, I think, into Lan Zhan’s arms?), he does it successfully. They’re still able to work together, in spite of everything that’s happened, especially when Wei Ying is leaning into his actual talents. Even if Wei Ying’s weakness is still looming over his shoulder, as we see later.

Being with the Wens, living a simple life, leaning into his strengths, being part of a community and family, taking time to work on his scholarly/inventor hobbies, all this served to calm a lot of those fears and also conveniently take Wei Ying out of the scenarios and away from the relationships that caused them. It offered him tentative new pieces of identity to grab.

But then, of course, he lost that, too.

Post-timeskip, Wei Ying is thrust right back into a world where he has to finally face those issues. Whether you take it as he still has no core, or he has Mo Xuanyu’s really weak core, he’s not doing so great where that’s concerned.

He still has strengths. We’re not actually shown any indications that this man is weak at any point, not truly. He has a better grasp on the situation at Mo Manor than all of those precious Lan babies put together.

But we are shown that he uses a bunch of hands-on crafty tricks, talismans and spells and such. And, interestingly, in counterpoint we’re shown Lan Zhan descending from the heavens with his qin. Wei Ying doesn’t use a dizi here yet (let alone sword), and Lan Zhan doesn’t use Bichen. I do think that’s lovely.

However, Lan Zhan is still incredibly strong, in more ways than just physically: his reputation is strong, his presence is strong, his confidence is high, his mastery of the qin is unparalleled, he’s had sixteen more years to grow up and develop his golden core.

From the framing, and Wei Ying’s reactions, and the Lan juniors’ reactions, it’s pretty clear that’s the impression Wei Ying has. There’s an imbalance between them (along with alllll the other reasons he might have to want to stay away from/keep Lan Zhan out of things). He doesn’t see them as complementary, just as not-the-same.

He meets Jiang Cheng next and, hey, Jiang Cheng is actually really strong now, too (also he always was but meh). Again, Wei Ying uses his tricks to outwit and outmaneuver the situation at hand. Again, he’s struck by the impressive image of someone entering the scene like a badass.

And what a deliciously awful carousel of conflicting feelings. Pride? Despair? Longing? Love? Annoyance? Delight? Relief? Pain? Fear?

But as far as strength goes, clearly Jiang Cheng has it in buckets, now. Which means even if they still had a relationship, Jiang Cheng surely wouldn't even be the Jiang Cheng in it anymore. What a horrible realisation.

It can’t be helped much by the fact that Wei Ying almost lets himself get run through and Lan Zhan enters the scene to fucking save him. Even if it’s from the kid we know he just bested.

And that’s the back and forth we see at first. Wei Ying proving his strength and his character but the framing and his reactions proving that he’s still caught in the idea that Lan Zhan is stronger and better than him.

Lan Zhan is beloved. Lan Zhan is strong. Lan Zhan would never accidentally murder people he loved more than life itself. (OKay I won’t get into that but tell me he didn’t think that at any point I dare you)

He accepts it and plays it off as not a big deal, but it clearly is. In his rare serious moments, we see that.

So post-timeskip, Wei Ying has to figure out who he is and then how he can be said person. A significant part of the character and relationship development post-timeskip is about that.

He once again finds himself exploring uncharted territory of building relationship dynamics he’s never experienced with Lan Zhan. It started because he realised they were equals. It can’t develop further until he acknowledges that they still are.

He figures out how to be weak with Lan Zhan first, that it's safe and allowed and okay. There’s nothing wrong with being taken care of. It doesn’t have to define him and it doesn’t have to be about agency or about all the twisty psychological junk that was all wrapped up in his familial relationships at all.

Then he figures out that he still has the capacity to take care of someone like Lan Zhan back, that he’s still able to be needed, and not just someone to follow around and protect.

Wei Ying has strengths, strengths that were always there and always part of him as well as new ways he's grown and changed. He’s an inventor, he’s a genius, he’s a prodigy, he has his talismans and his music and his people skills and his teaching ability and his empathy and his heart.

All this definitely comes to a head on the steps of Jinlintai, by which point it feels like one of the only remaining imbalances that Wei Ying feels so keenly is their status, which of course Lan Zhan snuffs out utterly romantically.

It’s even more poignant that that moment comes right after Wei Ying gets Suibian back. And he's not nearly as good with it--Lan Zhan has to protect him multiple times in that fight and then of course he gets stabbed. But the point is still made, that he was still able to fight, and even his failures with the sword just drive home that this isn't who he is now. And that's okay.

By the time they're at the Burial Mounds again, Wei Ying has accepted the way they work as a team and that they can be complementary. And they fight flawlessly.

I love that growth for him.

He absolutely ends up being the Jiang Cheng, in a number of ways. He runs after Lan Zhan when he’s drunk to keep him out of trouble. He ends up left behind to take care of defenseless people while Lan Zhan runs off and has an epic sword fight in an evil fog bank.

He has to be taken from Lotus Pier, unconscious, in a boat, and is held so preciously in Lan Zhan’s arms.

But. Turns out it’s not so bad when the person you’re being Jiang Cheng for isn’t Wei Ying.

I swear this is not throwing shade at Wei Ying.

But he figures out, slowly, how to actually have a relationship built on even ground, as equals, in spite of being unequal in all the ways he used to think mattered. And he only manages it with someone once he’s on the weaker side of it.

I just think that’s super interesting.

And I think it sets a precedent for Wei Ying to understand the flaws in his old dynamic with Jiang Cheng. Especially once there aren’t secrets between them.

Everything has to change, anyway. Everything has already changed, almost two decades ago, and it isn’t going back. It can’t ever go back. Everything they were to each other was bound up in Jiang Yanli’s presence, in promises long broken, in dreams long dead, in a future that has already proved to not be real. In the old Lotus Pier, a lot of it, since they never really moved on from that, either, even back then.

Jiang Cheng has grown up. He’s raised a kid. He’s raised and trained disciples. He’s been a sect leader for over a decade and a half. He’s been to other people what he never could be to Wei Ying.

He’s also proven that he still wants his brother to fix things, still expects him to be able to. Still wants to fight, still knows how to cry. Still acknowledges fragmented pieces of their lost dynamic. Probably more of the healthy ones than Wei Ying ever has, too.

Jiang Cheng still, even in the wake of learning about the golden core, even after everything he’s built and has become, acknowledges Wei Ying as a strong person. As someone as strong as he is, if not stronger in many ways. As having the capacity of an older brother.

But then, Jiang Cheng was always able to conceptualise a world where he and Wei Ying were equals, complementary if not evenly matched, just as much as Lan Zhan was.

It wasn’t a fantasy that Wei Ying indulged him in. It was a reality that Wei Ying himself didn’t know how to accept and kept at a distance, carefully juggling too many separate parts of a whole he couldn’t allow to come together until they all crashed down.

But he’s been on the other side of it now and maybe it’s enough. Maybe he can take what he’s learned in building/rebuilding his relationship with Lan Zhan and apply it to other people. Especially Jiang Cheng.

And maybe Jiang Cheng has been a sect leader and an uncle long enough to not let Wei Ying get away with shit.

[flutter2deceive]

this fic is 20 years old 🙈

@vera​ just reminded me that i mentioned this fic i wrote in 2002 in the tags of one of her gifsets last year. and i totally forgot that i found that fic a couple months ago on an old cd-rw, along with a livejournal icon i made of this rarepair couple: dana foster from step by step and kennedy from btvs (in name and face only; she’s not a slayer in this.)

so if you want to read a ~4k word exploration of dana coming out to her family after she meets a new girl at school (which may or may not have also been me trying to manifest a similar conversation with my family...), then read on! and be gentle, this was written by a 15 year-old lol

She's A Wonderful Girl

“Hey, Dana. Meeting still at your house tonight?” Melissa asked on the way to class.

 Their conversation piqued the interest of a young girl walking down the hall. Kennedy was new to the area, having moved there for college.  She was worried about not fitting in and making friends, but she had to try.  And this girl seemed like just the place to start. Judging by their conversation, there was a chance that the two women were gay, if Kennedy was lucky.  And they didn’t seem to be together.  

 “You bet! I can’t wait to hear the opinions of all the smart women in our community. And I’ve made sure that all the men of the house are gone so it won’t get messed up like last time.” Dana frowned, still slightly mad at Cody for his antics.  

 “Maybe,” Kennedy thought, “I have a chance with the pretty blonde…”

 --*--*--

 Kennedy walked up to Dana as they approached the water fountain.  “I overheard part of your conversation before. What were you two talking about? It seemed interesting.”

 Dana turned to face the attractive brunette.  “Oh, I’m having a women’s rights meeting at my house tonight,” Dana answered. “Would you be interested in coming?” she asked excitedly.  

 Kennedy smiled and nodded her head yes.  “Of course. I’d love to come. My name’s Kennedy, by the way. I just moved here from San Francisco,” she extended her hand.  

 Dana took it in hers and smiled.  “I’m Dana.”

 They remained smiling at each other until Kennedy broke the silence.  “If you need any help setting up or anything, I’d be glad to help.”  

 “You don’t have to,” Dana said.  

 “I insist. Plus, I kinda don’t have anything to do, what with no friends yet…” Kennedy admitted.  

 Dana laughed.  “Well, I guess I could put you to work. And you do have a friend. Me.”  Kennedy once again smiled, realizing that she had to get to class. The two parted ways after arranging to meet when their classes were over.

 --*--*--

 “I love your house. It’s so nice,” Kennedy observed, helping Dana set chairs up.

 “Well, it’s nice now because no one is home. When everyone’s here, it’s crazy.”

 “How many people live here?” Kennedy asked.

 “Well, there’s me, my sister Karen, brother Mark, half-sister Lily, step-sister Al, step-brothers Brandon and JT, Mom, Frank, my cousin Cody, and JT’s best friend Rich.  So…eleven,” Dana counted.  

 “Holy crap. That’s a lot of people. Well, if it ever gets really crazy, you can come stay with me in my dorm,” Kennedy offered, testing the waters.  

 Dana smiled, “Thank you. I might have to take you up on that offer sometime.”

 “So, do you do this thing often?” Kennedy asked.  

 “Well, I try to hold one once a month. Last month’s got messed up, though. Cody decided he wanted to come to the meeting and my so-called feminists jumped all over him. And then he tried to help the situation by recruiting more members by promising them dates with him,” Dana explained.  

 “You don’t have to worry about that with me,” Kennedy said, looking into Dana’s eyes.  

 “I don’t have to worry about that with anyone. All the men have left the building.”  

 “Smart girl,” Kennedy stated, eyes not leaving Dana’s.  Dana returned her gaze, getting lost in the depths of Kennedy’s brown eyes.  The door bell rang, interrupting the staring contest.  

 Dana didn’t know what she was thinking.  For some reason, she found herself wanting Kennedy to look at her. For some reason, she didn’t want to answer the door.  Instead she wanted to remain alone with Kennedy.  “What the hell is going on?” Dana asked herself, opening the door.

 --*--*--

 The meeting had gone pretty well.  There were thirteen women in attendance, and fortunately, they were all there for the meeting this time.  Everyone had left, leaving Dana and Kennedy alone again.  Having cleaned everything up, the two were now in Dana and Karen’s bedroom, sitting on Dana’s bed.  

 “So…tell me about San Francisco,” Dana requested.  Kennedy told stories of her childhood and growing up in California.  Dana, in turn, told her own life story.  During this time, the two had drifted closer together.  

 They were practically sitting on top of each other when Dana decided to address their situation.  “Uhm…Kennedy, I need to ask you something. I’m kind of feeling something here…” Dana’s voice trailed off.  

 “That’s more of a statement,” Kennedy said, tentatively resting her hand on Dana’s knee.  Dana looked up into her eyes, finishing her train of thought.  

 “Are you feeling it too?” she asked.  

 Kennedy slowly moved her mouth closer to Dana’s.  Dana closed her eyes, waiting to feel Kennedy’s lips descend upon hers.  Their lips met in a soft kiss, effectively answering Dana’s question.  They both pulled away after only a few seconds, searching each other’s eyes.  This time Dana was the one to lean in for the kiss.  

 She really didn’t know what she was thinking.  She had never considered herself to be a lesbian, but she felt so right with Kennedy.  She also wasn’t sure what surprised her more: that she felt this way about a woman or someone she just met.  “I guess it doesn’t really matter, though. They say when you find the one, you know,” Dana thought to herself, breaking for air.  Her lips quickly found Kennedy’s again.  

 At that moment, the two heard a voice in the hall.  “Dana! Are you home?” Carol yelled.  Dana and Kennedy practically jumped off of each other.  

 “Yeah, mom.”  

 Her mom opened the door and walked in.  “How was the meeting? Oh…who’s this?”  

 “This is Kennedy. She just moved here from San Francisco. The meeting went fine, by the way,” Dana informed her mom.  

 “Hi, I’m Carol, Dana’s mom.”  

 “Pleased to meet you,” Kennedy said.  

 “Okay, well, I’ll let you girls get back to whatever it is you were talking about,” Carol said as she left the room.  As soon as the door was closed, Dana moved back onto the bed.  She leaned in to kiss Kennedy, but the other woman moved away.  

 “As much fun as I was having doing that, I think we should talk,” she explained.

 “Okay,” Dana began.  “I am feeling very attracted to you right now and I can’t really explain it. I just know that it feels right.” Dana tried to explain it to Kennedy, even though she wasn’t really sure what was going on in her own head.  

 “I feel the same way. When I heard you talking in the hall before, something just went off in my head. If you don’t think it’s too fast, I was wondering if you wanted to go out sometime,” Kennedy nervously asked.  

 “As in dating?” Dana wanted to make sure.  Kennedy nodded her head.  “Well, it is a little early, but I don’t see what waiting is gonna do. My heart is saying yes.”  

 “Aww…such a romantic,” Kennedy smiled, moving forward to kiss Dana. They were once again interrupted when they heard footsteps outside the door.  “You wanna go to my dorm?” Kennedy asked.  

 “Sure.”  They stood up to leave just as Karen entered the room.  

 “Hey Dana, Dana’s friend,” she greeted.  

 “This is Kennedy. And this is my sister, Karen. I’ll see ya later, sis,” Dana said.  

 “Bye,” Kennedy said.  The two got into Dana’s car, driving off to the dorms.

 --*--*--

 “Will your roommate mind?” Dana asked as Kennedy unlocked the door.  

 “What roommate?” Kennedy mischievously asked as Dana took in the room. Single bed.  

 “Sweet.”

  Locking the door behind her, Kennedy took Dana into her arms.  “You’re sweet,” she said, running her hands down Dana’s back.  She brought her lips to Dana’s neck, gently sucking the skin into her mouth.  Dana maneuvered them so they were sitting on the bed, Kennedy still hungrily sucking on Dana’s skin.  Soft sighs were coming from Dana’s mouth as she ran her fingers through Kennedy’s hair.  

 Kennedy gently pushed Dana’s body down onto her bed.  She moved her mouth up to cover Dana’s, trailing her tongue along Dana’s lips.  Dana quickly parted her lips, inviting Kennedy inside.  Their tongues dueled for a few moments, Kennedy’s hand slowly moving to cup Dana’s breast.  Dana froze at this movement.  

 Moving off of her, Kennedy quickly apologized.  “I’m so sorry, Dana. I didn’t mean to…”

 “No, it’s fine. I just think we should slow it down a little. At least for now,” Dana took Kennedy’s hand in hers.  

 “Fine by me. Come here,” Kennedy held her arms open, Dana snuggling into them. They held each other for a long time, almost falling asleep.  

 Rolling Kennedy over, Dana pressed a kiss to her forehead.  “I gotta go.”  

 Kennedy frowned and sat up.  “If you must,” she said, bringing her lips to Dana’s again.  Dana parted her lips, pushing her tongue into Kennedy’s mouth. Ten minutes later, Dana left the dorm, heading back to her house.  

 Al and Cody were watching TV in the living room when Dana came in.  “Where’ve you been?” Al asked.  

 “Out,” Dana answered evasively.  

 “Dana finally has a life,” Al joked.  

 “Shut up, you,” Dana started to say, stopping when she noticed Al staring at her.  “What?”

 “Is that a hickey?” Al got up to look closer at Dana’s neck.  Dana’s hand moved up to cover the spot on her neck where Kennedy had branded her.  

 “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Dana said, looking at the floor.

 “They’re all over your neck,” Al exclaimed after further inspection.  Dana hadn’t realized it, but Kennedy had been a tad bit voracious.  “Where were you?” Al asked again.  

 Again, Dana answered, “Out.”  

 “Did you at least know the guy?”  

 “There is no guy,” Dana stated.  

 Al rolled her eyes.  “Okay, you get into a fight with a vacuum cleaner?” she asked sarcastically.  

 “There was no guy, okay?” Dana said before walking up the stairs to her room.

 “Methinks the lady doth protest too much,” Cody pondered out loud.  Al shrugged her shoulders and went back to watching TV.

 --*--*--

 A month had gone by, Dana and Kennedy still dating.  Dana had spent many nights in Kennedy’s dorm, claiming that she needed to study.  The two had progressed to experimental touching, never losing their clothes, though.

 Dana had done a lot of thinking during those four weeks, deciding that whether she was gay or not, she loved Kennedy.  Maybe that meant she was bi, or maybe she didn’t need a label. Either way, she loved Kennedy and was having a hard time holding back whenever they were near each other.  

 They found themselves in Dana’s house, once again empty.  This was a very rare occasion, so they were making the best of it.  Dana knew that the rest of the house’s occupants wouldn’t be back for quite some time, so she led Kennedy up to her bedroom.  

 Shutting the door behind her, Dana walked Kennedy over to her bed, pressing her lips to Kennedy’s.  Dana’s hand reached for the bottom of her shirt, pulling it over her head.  Kennedy stared up at Dana, taking in her topless body.

 “Are you sure?” Kennedy asked.  Dana nodded her head, smiling at Kennedy as she pulled her back down on top of her.  

     Meanwhile, downstairs, Al had just gotten home from the movies.  Realizing that no one was home, Al made her way up the stairs.  When she got to the top, she could hear loud moaning coming from Dana and Karen’s room. “No guy, my ass…” she thought to herself, returning to the living room.  

     “We should probably get dressed now. I don’t know how much longer the house will be empty,” Kennedy stated.  

 Dana looked up into Kennedy’s eyes.  “Unfortunately, you’re right,” Dana agreed.  The two gathered their clothing from the floor and headed downstairs.

 Al was sitting on the couch reading a book when the happy couple emerged. Looking towards the stairs, she expected to see Dana with some hunky guy.  Her jaw hit the floor as she openly stared at the beautiful brunette woman who was walking down the stairs with her sister.  

 When Dana saw Al staring at them, she cleared her throat self-consciously. “Al. When did you get home?”  

 Al looked at Dana.  “A little while ago.”  Al returned to staring back and forth between Dana and Kennedy, taking in their frazzled appearance.  

 Kennedy looked at the door, straightening her shirt out.  “Uhm…I’m gonna go now. Nice meeting you,” she said, quickly opening the door.  Dana followed her outside, closing the door.  

 “Do you think she heard us?” Dana asked.  

 “Your neighbors probably heard us. Damn, baby…you’re vocal,” Kennedy laughed, opening her car door.  Dana blushed, pulling Kennedy in for a hug.  

 “That was wonderful. I’m writing a thank you note to whoever pierced your tongue,” Dana joked, pulling back and kissing Kennedy’s lips.  

 “I love you,” Kennedy said after they parted.  

 “I love you, too, baby.”  Dana pulled her in for one final kiss.  Kennedy got in her car and pulled out of the driveway, blowing Dana a kiss as she drove away.  Walking back inside the house, Dana sighed at having to face Al.  

 “So…is that book any good?” she asked in a lame attempt at avoiding the topic.

 “Not as good as that girl, apparently,” Al looked over to Dana whose face was hidden in her hands.  

 “So you heard?” Dana asked.  

 “Well, you weren’t exactly discreet. She must be one hell of a lover.”

 “She is,” Dana answered before actually thinking about it.  “Sorry. Are you freaked?”  

 “As much as anyone who hears her sister having sex. But the girl? Not really. Just as long as she makes you happy, which clearly isn’t a problem,” Al said.

 Dana once again found herself blushing.  “Please don’t tell anyone. Not now, at least,” Dana asked.  

 “Your secret’s safe with me. Just be careful next time, or more people are gonna start finding out. Half the neighborhood probably already knows as it is,” Al joked.  

 “You’re never gonna let this go, are you?” Dana asked.  

 “Nope.”

 --*--*--

 Three months had gone by now.  Dana and Kennedy had been more careful where their intimacy was concerned.  They no longer had sex in the Foster-Lambert house. It was too risky, Kennedy proving to be just as loud in bed as Dana.  Instead, they spent most of their nights at Kennedy’s dorm.  Every time she left the house, Al smirked at her, earning a glare from Dana.  

 On one of the rare nights Dana spent in her own room, Karen decided she wanted to talk to her sister.  “Hey Dana? Can we talk?” Karen asked.  

 “Sure. What’s on your mind?”  

 Karen sat up in bed.  “You’re spending an awful lot of time with this Kennedy girl. Is there any specific reason?” she asked.  

 Dana sighed.  “Well…I guess you had to find out sometime. Kennedy and I are kinda dating,” she explained, trying to gauge her sister’s reaction.  

 “Oh. That’s…great…”  Karen said with as much enthusiasm as she could muster.  

 “I understand if you’re uncomfortable with this,” Dana said.  

 “I don’t want to be uncomfortable.”  

 “But you are.”  

 “It’s gonna take some time for me to be alright with this. I’m sorry,” Karen said.  

 “It’s fine,” Dana said, rolling onto her side and sighing deeply.

 --*--*--

 The next morning, Kennedy drove over to Dana’s house, picking her up for breakfast.  It was relatively early, Dana not expecting anyone else to be up.  She invited Kennedy in to her kitchen while she got her shoes on.  Ready to go, Dana pulled Kennedy in for a quick kiss, which soon turned more passionate.

 The two froze when they heard JT’s voice.  “Oh, sorry Barkey. Didn’t know you had a date,” he said, reaching in the refrigerator.  JT quickly turned back around when he realized Dana had been kissing a woman.  “Oh my god…”

 Dana and Kennedy quickly stepped away from each other.  Dana turned to face JT.  

 “Barkey…I knew you were a lesbian!”  

 “Shut up!” Dana hissed. She did not need her mom overhearing this conversation.

 Karen and Al walked down the steps to see what the commotion was.  Taking in the grin on JT’s face, Al immediately knew what had happened.  “Geez, Dana. Can’t keep your hands off her?” Al asked with a laugh.  

 A blush began to creep up both girls’ cheeks.  “Once again, shut up!”  

 Karen turned away, claiming she had to use the bathroom.  JT just kept staring at Kennedy.  

 “Okay…we’re going to get breakfast now,” Dana said, taking Kennedy’s hand in hers and pulling her out the door.  

 JT turned to Al.  “This is freaking awesome!” he said before returning his attention to the refrigerator.

 Meanwhile, Lily had been sitting on the stairs while all this was taking place. She got up and went to her parents’ room, wanting to ask what that word meant.

 --*--*--

 Lily opened the door after Frank said she could come in.  “Mommy, what’s a lesbinim?” Lily asked, pronouncing the word wrong.  

 “A lesbinim? Do you mean lesbian?” Carol asked.  

 “Yeah, that’s it!” Lily said with a smile.  

 “Why do you want to know that, sweetie?” Carol asked, a little concerned.  

 “Because Dana’s a lesbinim!” Lily informed her parents.  

 “What gave you that impression?” Carol asked, now concerned about a different daughter.  

 “Well, JT came into the kitchen and said, ‘Sorry Barkey, I didn’t know you had a date.’ And then he said, ‘I knew you were a lesbinim!’ What’s a lesbinim?”

 Carol stood up, walking to the door.  “I’m sure JT was just kidding. You know how he likes to bother Dana.”  Carol laughed self-consciously.  

 “Lily, a lesbian is a girl who loves other girls,” Frank explained.  

 “Oh, well that makes sense. Dana loves Kennedy,” Lily said very simply.

 “What?!” Carol asked.  

 Lily just rolled her eyes as if to say “Duh!”  Carol walked downstairs, encountering Al.  “Have you seen Dana?” she asked the young girl.  

 “Yeah, she went out to breakfast with Kennedy,” Al informed her.  

 “Al, can I ask you something?”  

 “Sure. Shoot.”  

 “Uhm…are Dana and Kennedy… more than just friends?” Carol asked tentatively.

 “I don’t know…” Al said, not very convincingly.  

 “Are you sure you don’t know?” Carol asked more pointedly.  

 “Look. Even if I do know, it’s not my business to tell. This is something you really should ask Dana,” Al said, walking out the door.  Carol sighed.

 --*--*--

 Walking back up to her bedroom, Carol sighed once again.  Was it possible that her little girl really was a lesbian? She opened the door and sat down next to Frank.  

 “Did you ask Dana?” he asked his wife.  

 “No. She was out with Kennedy so I asked Al. She told me I’d have to ask Dana, but she pretty much gave the impression that there was something going on,” Carol said, leaning up against the headboard.  

 “Well, honey…does this really surprise you?” Frank asked.  

 Carol sat up again.  “What do you mean? Of course it surprises me! It doesn’t surprise you?” She looked to Frank to read his expression.  

 “Well, there’s the whole feminist, woman power thing. And JT always jokes with her about becoming a gym teacher with short hair and tons of cats. Plus, there’s Kennedy,” he summed up.  

 “I guess it’s not all that shocking. I mean, there have been some signs that I guess I just chose to ignore. And once again, there’s Kennedy. Hell, even Lily could see that one…” Carol was trying to process the information.

 “That’s because you’re older and less wise than Lily is. Children have this ability to see the truth. It’s weird. Every time I sneak a piece of cake before you cut it, she knows it was me,” Frank told her.  

 “I guess I just need to talk to Dana. If Kennedy is her girlfriend, I don’t want her to feel ashamed. I’ll talk to her when she gets back from class,” Carol resolved.

 --*--*--

 Dana walked into her house, Kennedy in tow, prepared to help her mother with supper.  “Hey mom. Do you mind if Kennedy eats supper with us?” Dana asked.  

 “No problem. We’re having pork chops and mashed potatoes. That okay?”  

 “That sounds delicious,” Kennedy said, smiling at Mrs. Lambert.  Lily came running down the stairs at that moment.  

 “Hi Kennedy!” she giggled.  

 “Hey munchkin!” Kennedy reached down and scooped Lily up in her arms, twirling her around.  “And how are you today?” she asked.  

 “Good,” Lily replied as Kennedy put her back on the ground.  Lily grabbed her hand, pulling her towards the living room. “You gotta check this out, Kennedy. It’s so cool!” Lily dragged her off to see some cool toy she just got.  

 Dana smiled at the scene that had just played out.  Carol took in Dana’s smile and spoke softly.  “She’s a wonderful girl, Dana.”  The tone of her voice left little doubt as to what she meant by that.  

 Dana’s eyes became large, fear striking her insides.  She turned to face her mother.  “I know,” Carol said, once again in a soft voice, not wanting to scare Dana.  

 Dana opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out.  She was speechless.  She hadn’t exactly planned on when or how she was going to come out to her mom, so she didn’t know what to say.  

 “Dana, it’s okay. I’m not mad or anything. I just want you to know that I support you no matter what. So don’t be ashamed of her. You obviously love her, and I can tell she loves you and makes you happy. I can see it in your eyes, Dana,” Carol went on while Dana stood there staring at her.

 “Uhm…how…?” Dana tried talking.  

 “Lily told me, as a matter of fact. From the mouths of babes, you know?”  

 Dana was relieved that Al hadn’t betrayed her trust, at least.  She was still a little uneasy about her mom knowing, but that uneasiness was replaced with joy when Kennedy walked back in the room.

 “Hey, you,” Dana said, brushing Kennedy’s arm.  “You wanna go outside for a minute?”  

 Kennedy glanced at Dana’s mom self-consciously.  “Uh…sure.”  The two moved out into the back yard.  

 “She knows,” Dana said simply, a small smile on her face.  Kennedy felt her stomach drop, then noticed Dana’s smile.

 “You’re smiling…”  

 Dana nodded her head, smiling brighter and taking Kennedy’s hand in hers. “She’s completely fine with it.” At that information, Kennedy smiled too. Dana placed a light kiss on her lips before heading back into the kitchen, hand in hand with her girlfriend.

[linglynz]

GIFMAKER APPRECIATION TAG

rules: answer the first half of the questions with gifsets of your own, then answer the second half by tagging gif makers you love!

tagged by @highwarlockkareena @xiaodaozhang @yibobibo @theyilinglaozus @susuwatari-kompeito @baoshan-sanren @xinxiaojie @leonzhng @yiling-recesses @wuxien (as you can all see, i am the absolute worse at responding to these im so sorry)

LINK A GIFSET…

Link a gifset you’re really proud of: mianmian standing up for wwx (novel excerpts) - inspired by other book adapted to show/film sets that executed the same concept!! i think it’s a neat way to give a nod to the original work that inspired the adaptation 

Link a gifset where you tried something new: wwx + i have become death - handwriting effect!! it took me 2 days to figure it out bc i am slow and not great at wrangling photoshop x.x 

Link a gifset that features your favourite character or celebrity: zzs + hairpin and zzh x vogueme - my zzh thirst levels has apparently peaked to the point where i am gif-ing photoshoots of him pls send help

Link a gifset that you want more people to see: tang san ep 11 - i had to mess around with the colors a lot before i was finally satisfied (this was like, yeet city filter ohmygawds). no i do not remember what i did orz 

Link a gifset that you had fun making: cql characters + planet symbolism - i liked the process of breaking down the characters to figure out which planet fitted them the most, then selecting the scenes to showcase that aspect of them. the typography was fun too, even though i had no idea what i was really doing haha 

Link a gifset that you created as part of a meme, challenge, or series: not exactly a series but i make outfit sets (but am horrendously terrible at tagging them orz) and i really liked the wkx one because it really shows off the range of all the different robes that he got to wear (i really ought to make a proper outfits tag at this point....)

Link a gifset of yours that makes you smile: wenzhou childish parallel - i love how they can be so comfortably immature in each other’s presence and also shows how much zzs can be just as much of a little shit as wkx, if he’s so inclined djakf;jw a  

Link a gifset that you made for someone else: this request by @zhaozi - thank you for dropping the most phenomenally wangxian quote ever into my inbox ♥

TAG SOMEONE WHO…

Tag someone who inspired you to start making gifs: the very start of my gif-making days was for anime and most of those blogs are inactive or have changed URLs and i havent kept up @.@ but the one who made the strongest impression on me when i first entered cql-hell is @ohsehuns

Tag someone who makes great vibrant gifs: @zhouszishu @xiaoxzhan @runqings @yiqiie

Tag someone who makes great pale/pastel gifs: @fengqing @luoqingyanq @wendashanren @ostardust

Tag someone who uses text/typography really well in their gifsets: @evakant @leonzhng @purplexedhuman @yiling-recesses @surii

Tag someone who gifs for a fandom you love: @daikunart @sarawatsaraleo @mieczyslaf @highwarlockkareena @claudiablack @wei-gege @xiaodaozhang @sugardaddyahxu @gusucloud

Lumping the next three together ♡ Tag someone who motivates you to step up your game: Tag someone who you have taken inspiration from: Tag gif makers who you admire and appreciate! (Put as many people here as you want!): @tiesanjiao @blinkplnk @gongjun @wangxianbunnydoodles @keikuns @susuwatari-kompeito @xiaosean @yibowang @cescedes @lan-xichens @minmoyu @backtogusu @wanyinxichen @huigusu + many many others but these are all i can remember at the moment, please forgive me if i missed you

[talesofsorrowandofruin]

The Great OC Alphabet Caper: I

I have two OCs whose name begins with I (well, three counting Imrahil, but he’s listed under L) and both of them are in The Power and the Glory. This is unfortunately a real headache 🙃

Ilaran

Name: Ilaran Raitálen Illessilru (former patronymic Khíralsilru; see trivia section)

Age/Pronouns: Mid/late 30s (in human years), he/him

Brief physical description: Tall, dark brown hair, green eyes. My mental picture of him has changed since I made his Artbreeder portrait, so it no longer fits him but I haven’t made a new one yet. (Random note: the closest I’ve got to a current mental picture of him is this GIFset of Szilveszter Szabó in Roméo és Júlia. I guess that means he’s one of the very few OCs I have a faceclaim for?)

Brief list of defining traits: The only one of the main trio who both has a braincell and uses it regularly. Has a very strange sort of morality that causes some major values dissonance.

Excerpt:

Ilaran rubbed his forehead in an attempt to stave off his impending headache. Being dead should have spared him a headache. Unfortunately Abihira's memories were enough to give him one.

"What is it now?" Death asked.

"I wish I could go back in time just to tell the emperor of Seroyawa what I think of his parenting methods."

Surprisingly Death accepted that without question. "I captured two more of your pawns when you were distracted."

When she had only been in Seroyawa a short time, Abihira had thrown a tantrum when Prince Mirio beat her at chess. She shoved the board off the table and burst into tears. (In fairness to her, she had apologised for that behaviour when she was older and somewhat wiser.) In that moment Ilaran felt rather like imitating her.

Trivia:

He shares his name with a character in a short story I wrote back in 2019

Saoridhlém uses patronymics (ending in -silru) for men and matronymics (ending in -svóeln) for women, so his original patronymic included his father’s name. He hates his father, so he changed it to Illessilru (meaning “no one’s son”)

Aderthril’s son, Abi’s second cousin once removed, and Nuvildu’s half-brother

Is possibly undead

Has done some really messed-up stuff. Has also suffered some really messed-up stuff, most recently because of Abi, and is not coping as well as he thinks he is

Is currently telepathically linked with Abi. Neither of them is happy about this

Can turn into an eagle. Unfortunately for him he’s afraid of heights

Irímé

Name: Irímé Fenvakrisilru

Age/Pronouns: 18/19 (in human years), he/him

Brief physical description: This Artbreeder portrait is close-ish to how I picture him:

Brief list of defining traits: Just wants to write in peace and also get far, far away from his mother. Has a braincell and sometimes uses it.

Excerpt:

Very slowly and carefully he climbed down from the shelf. His shoes made a slight noise on the floor. He froze and waited to see if anything had heard him. Nothing attempted to break through the door. He tiptoed to the suitcase and opened it as quietly as he could. Shizuki slithered out of it and wrapped himself around Irímé's chest. He was trembling. His head kept moving from side to side and his tongue darted out every few seconds.

"Don't change forms," Irímé whispered. "Don't make any noise."

Shizuki nodded. Irímé wrapped his arms around Shizuki in an awkward but hopefully reassuring hug. Then they waited for some sign it was safe to leave the room.

A red puddle trickled under the door. Irímé tried to sit at an angle that kept Shizuki from seeing it.

Trivia:

Can turn into a dragon

Is betrothed to Abi

The youngest of six children

His name’s an accidental Tolkien shout-out. I got it from a fantasy name generator, then remembered later why it sounded familiar.

Adding TPATG’s taglist: @ajbrooks-writes​​, @mjmnorwood​​, @houser-of-stories​​, @time-space-and-the-muses​​, @lothloriien​​​, @aliensmoon​​​, @rataltouille​​​, @thescatteredscribbles​​​, @alexwritesfiction​​​, @moth-with-a-pen​​​​, @thelaughingstag​​​​, @diphthongsfordays​​​​, @athenswrites​​​​, @ladydawnxx​​​​, @talesfromaurea​​​​, @jacquesfindswritingandadvice

[cloudylotus]

#ShowYourProcess

From planning to posting, share your process for making creative content!

To continue supporting content makers, this tag game is meant to show the entire process of making creative content: this can be for any creation.

RULES — When your work is tagged, show the process of its creation from planning to posting, then tag 5 people with a specific link to one of their creative works you’d like to see the process of. Use the tag #showyourprocess so we can find yours!

Thank you for the tag Mimi @yiling-recesses​ ~ it was so fascinating to see how you plan and organise everything and then the editing process as well! ♥

I was tagged to show my process for my Episode 17 Post which somehow got relatively popular, in comparison to the rest at least, so I’m glad to share the behind the scenes of that post in particular. This is going to be a long ride so buckle up friends.  ∑(O_O;)

1. Planning

First of all I have to rewatch the whole entire episode before I can even start on anything. So I usually sit down with pen and paper in hand and ready to pause at any given moment that sparks interest. In case there is a quote that sounds fancy enough to represent the episode I write it down, or when I see a scene or just a certain shot that catches my eyes I screenrecord that certain scene and save it in a folder for that specific episode. Over time I accumulate scenes here and there so I already form a rough idea in my head which scenes would look good together or would make sense together. Sadly this also sometimes leads me to have very few scenes because nothing really inspired me, or I end up with only one quote that I wasn’t even too sure about, but I just make the best out of it. So I basically let the episode itself be the whole drive and inspiration for my edit but I also try to not give away too much in terms of spoilers. So if you were to see it with the knowledge of what’s going on it’s supposed to be hitting a nerve, evoke a memory, or at least make sense, especially given in combination with the quote, but if you were to see this set without the knowledge of what’s happening I’d still like it to be interesting enough without giving away too much of the story. Do I even make sense, mayhaps.

This is usually what I end up with in my folder, sometimes I have about 20 scenes, sometimes 3, so for episode 17 this was a decent amount to work with! [Also please don’t ask why I name the clips like that, they made sense to me in that moment and it works somehow. And yes Wen Qing is the queen and there is nothing to stop her   (ﾒ` ﾛ ´)  ] Now it’s time to look through the scenes again that I clipped out and begin with the actual gif making. I use Avisynth to rezise all the gifs to either the smaller squares, the “full” square or sometimes the longer rectangle - honestly I usually do these very much based on what I think would look good in my head and just decide based on that, so sometimes I end up making the same gif again just in a different size because I felt it was lacking impact or ended up looking better in another set. Sometimes I end up not using gifs I made at all  ┐( ˘_˘ )┌

2. Creating

Now that I have this huge mess of endless gifs and pretty scenes that would work as a background loaded in my Photoshop I start to assemble. Given the fact that I always use the same 540x540 format at least the step of building a base is uncomplicated.  The first part of the set I made was the lotus lake scene. The moments that were catching my eyes the most were mainly the close ups of the actual plant. Detailed close ups make my heart go boom boom. So I figured they would pair well with a scene where all three of the siblings were in screen to convey this mood of like ‘happy yunmeng trio being silly in lotus pier yay’, especially given the fact that it’s a fond memory of Wei Wuxian in this oh so painful episode.

So I have the base grid I always work with, the gif of our three beloved plus the two lotus close ups. From here on it’s just very trial and error where the still pictures fit best over the gif and I just tweak around for so long until it looks good. Once I am done with the positioning of everything I slap my watermark on it and my default colouring for these sets. Of course the default coloring action I made never works the way I want it to so I end up messing around with it for half an eternity to make all the different colours work together and look coherent which sometimes leads me to colour one single part individually and adding more filters to the background and what not. This is how it looked like in this particular edit ~

For the other two edits I basically repeated the same process just slightly adjusted to whichever format I use [this is already way longer than needed]. When I make the edits with four gifs in the middle I always have to shorten the gifs beforehand so they have the same amount of frames in order to make the whole thing work to begin with. Usually gifs with the same colour palette or same theme work well together so in this case the food and hands stood out to me [hands always do, always]. So I found the perfect set of gifs to work with that and just added a scene of Wei Wuxian in the background as he fell asleep studying the scripts and Wen Qing came to bring him food, since this is a big part of the episode.

Of course we slap on all the fancy stuff on top afterward and tadaa - it’s a gifset. At last I had the scene of Wen Qing turning her head slightly and I knew from the beginning that I needed to have that scene as a “full” gif as I was just struck with love. I had so many different things I put on top like frames and flowers or tried to put the gif in a certain shape - whatever, it just looked kinda bad - until I found this dragon png and finally had an epiphany. I must confess i didn’t mask out the dragon perfectly to fit behind her but I reached a point of desperation as my creativity of the day left me behind struggling.

3. Posting

Once I am done with all three edits, sometimes only two depending on the amount of clips I saved, I arrange them in Tumblr and check how they look best. This thing alone can take me forever unless I have a set that has a coherent background throughout all of the individual edits so I don’t need to worry about in what order to arrange them. But once I finally decided on that I go back to my notes of quotes and try to decide which one works best in regard to the criteria I mentioned above. In this set the angsty Jiang Cheng had the honor. For finishing touches I add the link to my other episode sets and all the tags to keep things organized and usually ramble a bit about the process or my feelings. That’s what tags are for, right? 

Oof so yeah, that’s it. This turned out way longer than anticipated and I already edited this down...whoops.

I would like to tag:

@huigusu​ - for this painful beauty

@leonzhng​ - with this incredible masterpiece

@mylastbraincql​ - because this post makes me feel things

@fengqing​ - words can’t even describe

@lan-xichens​ - this set made me cry

No pressure at all to do this if you do not want to or have already done one before! ♥

[moonlightsdream]

gifmaker appreciation tag rules: answer the first half of the questions with gifsets of your own, then answer the second half by tagging gif makers you love!

tagged by: @therukurals @jaehwany @baijingting @liveasbutterflies @thingskateknows @koreandragon @belsmultifandommess @baek1nho @cuddlybitch (sorry if i missed anyone else who tagged me)

LINK A GIFSET…

Link a gifset you’re really proud of: this awae gifset, still can't believe how well this one truned out to be, all the layers and mess layers i made just for the blending.. i topped myself with that one!!

Link a gifset where you tried something new:  this 8 years old dair gif !! how i used hyuoka’s sakura petal falling scene, the minute i saw that scene i know i had to use it with that dair pic.. it was so pretty.. i remember wanting to add [happily ever after] but i wasn't that good with text yet and still has a long way to go with text usage..... another one is this arthdal chronicles eunseom/saya manip set, i don't usually do these kinds of manips but this one turned out really good, i remember taking making the colors match in both scenes took me time as the saya one was a very pale one....

Link a gifset that features your favorite character or celebrity: there's so many.. just a few this kim youngdae being #1 rona/seokrona fan, this queen shim sureyon set , my boy taichi who deserves happiness, i could go forever!!

Link a gifset that you want more people to see: this penthouse revenge set, it took me hours, days and tears to make it..... i had tons of folders inside of folders for each point of the revenge and i ended up dropping some gifs while making it, and to make them all under 10mb was the challenge!! but with it in full you can almost see the whole plot of the later half of the 2nd season.. and a big thanks for @shady-swan-jones as she helped me lots while making it, some moments wouldn't even made it in the set without her inputs!!

Link a gifset that you had fun making: these 1 / 2 seokhoon/rona moments through out the seasons since they were a good excuse to rewatch their scenes... also this louie/bokshil gifset for the same reason!! this fresh prince moment because it was so funny!!

Link a gifset that you created as part of a meme, challenge, or series: these 1 / 2  sets as part of @gimme-a-chocolate challenges, i love allie quotes challenges, they're so fun and seeing how everyone use the quotes are even more fun. all the prettiness!!

Link a gifset of yours that makes you smile: this a love so beautfiul set because they were so cuuuuute and fluffy!! also this slam dunk that moment got me rolling on the floor every single time... also this seokhoon/rona moment the cute fluff moments i want to see more!! 

Link a gifset that you made for someone else: this run on set as a present for @mostlyfate for the valentine challenge for a split second i would've chosen danoh/baekkyung for her!! 

TAG SOMEONE WHO…

Tag someone who inspired you to start making gifs: i've been making gifs for a long time that i don't remember who inspired me.

Tag someone who makes great vibrant gifs: hannah @cuddlybitch angela @mercurialhigh cam @haeyeongs and christina @gangtaes the way their gifs are vibrant is goals!! also everyone on how do you color tag.

Tag someone who makes great pale/pastel gifs: emily @mostlyfate is a master when it comes to pastel colors, i can't even begin to discribe how beautiful they're. instant reblog!!!  also fiya @chanikang gifs so pretty!!

Tag someone who gifs for a fandom you love: everyone in the kdrama community, and a shout out to luni queen @gominshi for all those wonferful hq gifs she's been blessing us the youth of may fandom!

Tag someone who uses text/typography really well in their gifsets: hannah @cuddlybitch sam @baijingting JP @deokmis how do you make them is just so utterly beautiful!! you inspire me everytime to be more creative with it!!!

Tag someone who motivates you to step up your game: becca @yesdramas, luni @gominshi for those big hq gifs and being on roll with giffing!! sara @baek1nho for all those compilations set she makes and how she manage to color them very similarly!! sam @baijingting for all her quotesets gifs! kate @thingskateknows for giffing all those different kdramas and blessing us. JP @deokmis gil @therukurals for being so creative when giffing.. and everyone in the kdrama community!!

Tag someone who you have taken inspiration from: these people on how do you gif tag. so creative and talented people! 

Tag gif makers who you admire and appreciate! (Put as many people here as you want!): @gangtaes @mercurialhigh @tytrack @mostlyfate @dramaintherain @intostarlight @ryn-s @cheonsoho @lavenderbyun @haeyeongs @stevenrogered @lee-sejoo @melonatures @chanikang @winar @uppoompat anyone who wants to make it

[sugarandspace]

Some of us are human (Sterek)

(posted on AO3 under the pseud aconitum)

Summary: While researching the newest threat with Stiles, Derek comes across a box under Stiles' bed. The box has the words "open when I'm dead" written on it and for a moment Derek forgets how to breathe.

Word count: 2,446

Warnings:  for a moment Derek thinks Stiles might be suicidal (he's not), there's also talk about death (but no one dies) and a mention of the nogitsune and the darkness inside Stiles

A/N: check out this beautiful gifset made by my talented friend @sparkandwolf who also helped me with the fic!! 💙

Read on AO3

Stiles’ desk lamp is a little too bright for Derek’s liking and he’s sure it’s going to give him a headache soon. Maybe Stiles would be okay with switching places. Derek looks at the bed where Stiles has been sitting with his laptop. The bed is full of printed out articles and notes Stiles has been taking and Derek doesn’t dare touch them in fear that he’s going to mess up the other man’s organized chaos. He’s going to have to ask him once he comes back from the bathroom.

Stiles is back in Beacon Hills for the winter break and they are at Stiles’ researching the newest creature that has arrived in the town. The amount of books and notebooks and other sources Stiles has on his bookshelf is honestly impressive, and they hope they can find something that could tell them what they are up against.

One of the scrolls - yes scrolls, Derek has no idea where Stiles has found scrolls - falls from the desk when Derek turns to face it again. It rolls under Stiles’ bed and Derek gets up from the desk chair to kneel on the floor so he can see under the bed and can see where it rolled. It’s not far and he can easily reach it.

Just as he’s about to get back up, he notices an old shoe box under Stiles’ bed. It’s not what catches his attention, there are plenty of things under the younger man’s bed, but what makes him stop and stare at the box are the words written on the side of it, bold black letters in Stiles’ handwriting:

OPEN WHEN I’M DEAD

Derek stares at the box for a moment, feeling like his whole world has come to a halt. When he’s able to move he pulls the box from under the bed and sits more comfortably on the floor, bringing the box to his lap. He doesn’t even stop to think if it’s okay before he opens the lid and looks into the box.

Privacy be damned, if Stiles is planning on dying he needs to know everything.

Derek knows that some darkness still lingers inside of Stiles from when he, Scott, and Allison died for a moment a few years ago when they were trying to save their parents. The same darkness that made him vulnerable to the nogitsune. A darkness that will never completely go away.

But Derek didn’t know that it was affecting him this deeply. Was Stiles suicidal? The thought makes his heart race in panic.

What he finds from the box makes his eyebrows furrow. The box has three light blue envelopes in it, each of them addressed to someone. The first one is for the Sheriff,  the second one for Scott, and the third one is for... Derek?

It’s in that moment that Stiles walks back to the room. Derek had been so distracted by the box he hadn’t even heard him walk up the stairs. Derek looks up from the envelope he’s holding - the one with his name written on in Stiles’ handwriting - and can easily see the moment Stiles realises what he’s holding.

Stiles’ hand goes to the back of his neck in a nervous manner and he tries to laugh, but it comes out weak.

“So you found those,” he says. “Neat.”

The situation is very far from neat and Derek doesn’t know what to say. He’s not good with serious conversations and to be honest the flippant tone Stiles is going for grates Derek’s nerves, because this is a serious topic and Stiles’ isn’t allowed to make fun of it.

“What are these?” his tone comes out accusing now that he’s gotten over the shock of finding the letters.

“Listen,” Stiles starts and lets out a deep sigh as he leans against the doorframe, giving up instead of trying to argue. “I’ve seen things - I’ve done things no 20-year-old should ever have to have done. Is it really so unreasonable for me to be prepared for the unfortunate but very possible situation where some supernatural creature will eventually shoot me or maim me or cast me under a curse that no one will be able to break? I don’t have supernatural healing properties. Let’s be real, I’m lucky to still be alive.”

At some point during his speech Stiles had gotten defensive and even though he’s wrapped his arms around his chest in a protective manner Derek can hear his heart beat faster than normal beneath his ribs. Derek can smell hints of embarrassment in the air, but it’s paired with determination. Stiles really does believe in what he’s saying.

And it breaks Derek’s heart.

He’s gone through his own share (and a little more) of bad things in his life, and he knows very well how dangerous the supernatural world can be. But it still hurts somewhere deep in his chest to hear the words Stiles is saying. In no small part because he knows it’s true. Stiles’ mind and soul might be as tough as that of a strong werewolf, but his human body is fragile.

“And I’m part of the reason you’re a part of this world,” Derek says. He doesn’t mean to say it out loud but he can’t help it when the realisation comes to him.

Stiles walks over to him and sits on the floor as well, taking the letter from Derek’s hands and putting it back to the box, which he pushes back under the bed. Derek wants to say that it’s a bit too late for the whole “out of sight, out of mind” thing and that box is probably going to come to haunt Derek’s dreams in the following nights, but he stays quiet.

“No,” Stiles says. It’s short and sure and he makes sure Derek is looking him in the eyes before he continues. “You stop that right now. I won’t let you blame yourself for this. You know what got me into this world? My curiosity. It was my choice to go looking for a body in the woods in the middle of the night, my choice to keep hanging with Scott when he became a werewolf. It’s been, and always will be, my choice to accompany you all to your battles. My choice. I’m aware of all the risks. I don’t regret learning about the supernatural. Ignorance might be bliss but knowledge keeps me safe. That way I can protect myself and the people I care about.”

Derek doesn't know what to say to that. He’s suddenly hit with how much Stiles has grown in the past few years. He’s gone through a lot and he’s not as carefree as he used to be, but this life hasn’t turned him cold. There’s humor and sarcasm in hard places but there’s also wisdom and strength.

“Do you understand me?” Stiles asks. His voice has gone softer now, the determination has made room for gentleness, for the need to be understood.

“Yeah,” Derek replies. He does.

“Those letters are just in case,” Stiles says and looks towards the bed where the box is once again hidden beneath it. “I don’t want anything to be left unsaid if I’m taken from here too soon.”

That sparks a question in Derek, one he’s not sure if he should voice. He understands the letter for the sheriff and he understands the one for Scott. The sheriff is Stiles’ father and Scott is like a brother to him. But Derek? They’ve gotten far from when Stiles accused him of murder and he mainly communicated with threats and glares. They’ve become good friends. But Derek doesn’t see a letter for Lydia or Liam or Isaac. There’s something Stiles wants to tell him that he feels like he can’t say to his face. Something important. In the end the curiosity wins and he asks, “What do you want to say to me?”

Stiles’ eyes widen.

“I think I’d rather wait until I’m dead,” he says and goes to get up but Derek takes a hold of his wrist.

“I want to know now,” he says gently. He feels nervous and he hopes Stiles doesn’t notice that his hands are sweating a little.

Stiles looks uncomfortable when he sits back down.

“Don’t make me wrestle you to get to that letter,” Derek threatens, only half-serious.

“You wouldn’t,” Stiles says and narrows his eyes at Derek. Still, Derek notices how he angles himself slightly more between Derek and the box.

He wouldn’t. Stiles is allowed to have secrets, no matter how much Derek would want to know.

“Obviously you don’t have to,” Derek says. “But I’d really like to know. It’s clearly something important if you’d want me to know in case you died.”

Just saying that - of talking about the possibility that Stiles might die anytime soon - makes Derek’s stomach twist uncomfortably. He cares about the other man more than he’s cared about anyone in a while, more than is probably acceptable to care about someone who’s only supposed to be your friend, even if said friend is also your packmate.

“It might ruin everything,” Stiles warns, but Derek can see that he’s warming up to telling him.

“You don’t know that.”

“Oh, I’m pretty sure I do,” Stiles says and tries to laugh, but it comes out flat.

It might be unfair but Derek uses his senses to get a better read on Stiles. When he breathes in the other man’s scent, among the nervousness he can smell a hint of longing, and a little bit of hope finds its way to Derek’s heart.

Could it be possible that the feelings he has for Stiles were reciprocated? Derek tries not to let the hope grow too much. He’s tried so hard to keep those feelings buried as deep as he could, knowing that Stiles deserves better than him. It’s easier to do that when he imagines that Stiles would never want to be more than friends with him.

“I won’t force you,” Derek tells him honestly. “But I’d like to know.”

Stiles looks at him for a long time, probably weighing his options. It’s clear that he wants to tell Derek, wants to believe that nothing would change, but the fear is persistent.

“Can you honestly say that you’ll be okay with never hearing my answer?” Derek tries, and that seems to do it for Stiles.

“I like you,” he blurts out in a similar way Stiles often blurts things, only this time instead of rushing to talk more Stiles freezes in fear like he’s waiting for something bad to happen.

Derek doesn’t know what to say because Stiles’ words leave room for interpretation. Derek can’t know for sure if Stiles means it the way Derek hopes or if he means it in a way he does when he talks about the fries from the local diner. Though, as Derek thinks about it, Stiles wouldn’t be so scared to admit it if his feelings were platonic.

Stiles has been brave and he’s meeting Derek half-way, it’s only fair Derek takes the remaining step to meet him there.

“I like you too,” he says.

Stiles, it turns out, doesn’t hesitate to ask refining questions.

“You mean like… like-like, don’t you?” He asks, not giving Derek time to reply before he’s rambling on, obviously nervous. “Because otherwise this is embarrassing. Oh god, I should have waited until after I die. Is it too late for that? Because Derek if you’re not going to say anything anytime soon I might really die. Death by embarrassment, a new way to go but I bet no one who knows me would be surprised to hear that Stiles Stilinski was the first one to die of embarrassment. I can already see the headstone. Here lies Stiles Sti-”

Stiles doesn’t get to finish because Derek leans in and kisses him. Derek’s been dreaming about this moment many times, has hoped that he could stop the other man from rambling by kissing him speechless, and now he finally can.

It’s better than he dreamed.

Stiles’ lips are soft and he returns the kiss as soon as his brain catches up with the situation. The kiss is tentative, just a touch of lips, but somehow it feels like something huge.

“Oh wow,” Stiles says when they pull away from each other.

When Derek opens his eyes Stiles is still really close, and he smiles when Stiles’ hand comes up to gingerly touch his jaw. Derek wants to tell him that he���s not going to break, but he doesn’t remember the last time someone has touched him so gently. He leans into the touch and smiles.

“Oh wow,” Stiles repeats. “I think you broke me.”

“I’m sorry?” Derek says, to which Stiles snorts.

“You’re forgiven,” he says and leans in to kiss Derek again. This time the kiss turns deeper, more sure now that they both know to expect it.

The hand Stiles has on his jaw turns surer while the other one comes up to Derek’s shoulder. Derek crosses another thing from his list-of-things-he’s-dreamt-of-doing and buries one of his hands into Stiles’ hair and yes - it’s just as soft as he’s imagined. The other hand rests on Stiles’ thigh for balance.

“ Back to what I said earlier ,” Stiles says when they pull away for air. “ Learning about the supernatural side of the world has brought a lot of danger and bad things in my life. But it has also brought you into my life, and I’m really grateful for that. I wouldn’t change anything. If I were to be given a time machine, I wouldn’t go back. Or maybe I would, just a little, so I could do this sooner and we could spend more time kissing because holy hell if I’d known how you reply I would have spoken so much earlier .”

Derek rolls his eyes and takes Stiles by the chin to drag him to another kiss which effectively shuts him up.

“Is this going to be a new thing?” Stiles asks when he pulls back. “You shutting me up with your kisses?”

Derek doesn’t reply with words, but he does kiss Stiles again and that is a reply in itself.

“Okay no talking,” Stiles says when Derek lets his lips go.

“You are talking,” Derek points out as he gets closer again, unable to get enough of kissing Stiles now that he can finally do it.

“Shutting up now,” Stiles says, the words brushing against Derek’s lips before they are kissing again.

This time Stiles really does stay quiet. They get lost in each other, their crazy world and research forgotten around them.

[chaos-monkeyy]

hi i absolutely love your ben & jamie fics - if you were to write another instalment could you write tgem heing caught by someone

I know it's been an age since you sent this, but if you're still around - thank you!! And I wrote you a little something 😉 I hope you like it! 💙

(Yes this was absolutely set off by that Jamie in pajamas gifset I reblogged earlier today cause 😳 damn 😳)

Rated Explicit; full fic continues below the cut. Also on AO3!

…

“Boss got you working late again, has he?”

Digging through the deeper reaches of one of the massive filing cabinets and alone on the floor— or so he thought— Jamie startled violently at the voice coming from just behind him. He spun around to find DI Ben Jones leaning against one of the divider walls and regarding him with a pleased smirk.

“Jesus, Ben,” Jamie said with a huffed laugh, his heart still pounding in his chest even as a broad grin spread over his face. “Don’t sneak up on me like that— mmf—”

His half-hearted protest was cut off by Ben’s mouth, turned instead into a half-moan that probably wasn’t anywhere near as quiet as it should have been.

“I’ve missed you,” Ben finally murmured, nuzzling against Jamie’s cheek and pressing another kiss to the corner of his mouth.

“Me too,” Jamie said, pulse still racing slightly… though possibly for different reasons, now. “I wasn’t expecting you till the weekend.”

“Got things wrapped up early,” Ben said, and then he was pulling Jamie back into a kiss again, all wet and heated and full of promises for more, and it took Jamie a while to remember exactly where the hell they were.

By the time it did sink in, Ben already had him with his back pressed to the wall beside the filing cabinet, one hand cupping his cheek and the other in a firm grip on his arse through his trousers.

“Shit— the cameras,” Jamie managed, flushing beet-red.

Ben just grinned at him. “Blind spot,” he said, nodding his head to the side. “But I’ll stop if you really want me to…”

He was— quite unfairly, if you asked Jamie— trailing his hand down Jamie’s body as he spoke; tracing lightly down Jamie’s neck, his chest, purposely brushing over his nipple through his shirt on the way down further still. Jamie shivered, biting back a groan as Ben’s fingers teased along the line of his belt… and then down.

“I… ahh—” Jamie was breathing hard, his hips twitching into Ben’s touch and his head spinning at the thrill of being touched, here, in the middle of the empty open office. He knew he should tell Ben to stop but he didn’t want to; couldn’t make himself say it. All he could focus on was the heat of Ben’s body on his, the stiff warmth of Ben’s cock pressing firmly against his thigh and the almost painfully light touch of Ben’s fingers stroking teasingly over his own rapidly-filling erection through his suit trousers. “Ben— fuck…”

“I’ve half a mind to get you off right now,” Ben murmured, low and heated. He buried his face in Jamie’s neck, inhaling sharply before sucking a hard kiss into Jamie’s skin just underneath his shirt collar. “Make a right mess of this lovely, sharp suit… What d’you think? Would you come for me? Right here?”

Jamie trembled, his breath coming in shaky half-pants as he tried to keep himself quiet with Ben mouthing at his throat, toying with his cock and sending sparks of need jolting up his spine.

“Yeah,” he heard himself say, all breathy and hoarse. “Yeah, I would.”

His breath caught as Ben squeezed him harder through his trousers, rubbing, tugging, stroking; hips rocking to rut himself idly against Jamie’s thigh. The feel of Ben’s mouth on his neck, teeth nipping and tongue swiping a line of wet heat over his skin before parting Jamie’s lips to press hot and slick into his mouth again; combined with the heady rush of knowing where they were, set Jamie’s arousal skyrocketing almost embarrassingly fast.

He was just starting to realize that he was going to have to make up his mind very, very soon about just how serious he really was on the subject of actually letting Ben make him come in his trousers like this— when the familiar ding! of the lift opening onto their floor nearly gave him a heart attack for the second time that night.

Jamie jerked away, frantically adjusting himself with his cheeks flaming, and then he nearly died on the spot when John Barnaby of all people rounded the corner.

“Winter, were you able to— Jones? What are you doing in… Causton…” Barnaby trailed off, his gaze flicking between Jamie and Ben and back again. Jamie knew perfectly well there was no hiding their air of… dishevelment. “Ah.”

“I happened to be in the area,” Ben said easily. “Thought I’d pop in.”

Jamie could hear the quiet half-smirk in his voice, but couldn’t even think about looking at Ben without blushing harder. Instead, he turned away to rifle hurriedly through the still-open drawer of the filing cabinet, desperately willing his raging erection to flag a little faster before he had to face Barnaby.

“I’ve almost found all the records you wanted, sir,” he said, hoping his mortification wasn’t as obvious in his voice as it felt like.

It probably was.

“Just, er, leave them on my desk, Winter,” he heard Barnaby say. “I’ll have a look tomorrow. Jones. Good to see you, you’ll have to stop in if you’re… in town for long.”

“I will,” Ben said. “Tell Sarah I said hello.”

Jamie, closing his eyes and still resolutely facing the filing cabinet, listened to Barnaby make a vague noise of assent in reply, footsteps heading back towards the lift. The doors dinged cheerily and thumped shut a scant moment later, and Jamie slid the drawer shut and let his forehead hit the cool metal of the cabinet with a low groan.

“This is your fault,” he said, twisting to shoot Ben an accusing look without lifting his head. “I have to work with him tomorrow morning.”

Ben just grinned at him, completely unapologetic, and sauntered over to rest his chin on Jamie’s shoulder.

“C’mon,” Ben said, one hand squeezing Jamie’s hip suggestively and making his still extremely interested cock twitch in his trousers, “you’re driving.”

“You are a terrible influence, Inspector,” Jamie muttered, his lips twisting into an unstoppable grin of his own as he tossed the stack of folders on Barnaby’s desk for the morning and grabbed his jacket to head out.

Ben cocked an eyebrow at him. “Oh, I’m a bad influence?”

“You really are.”

“And whose idea was that quickie on the beach last time, then?”

“…That was different,” Jamie finally said, blushing furiously all over again, and Ben laughed nearly all the way out to the car.

…