#this damn project would be in time out
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I'm Living In Knitting Stress
#if i had not decided to knit a christmas jumper for this year and want it finished in mid december#this damn project would be in time out#idk how to make it fit well#i frogged so much it to make it larger and now it is too large#circular yokes are the spawn of the devil#on the plus side im browsing pictures on ravelry and everyone else's arms are also quite large at the biceps#frowny face#i guess i just gotta get swole
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I'll take awhile before I can make this into a full proper post with explanation (and sketch illustration) of each segment, as well as the bird view from the market, entrance and a better view of the smithing corner buuuut have this for now~!
#hollow knight#fanxtended : colosseum of fools#fanxtended project#my art#like damn I really wanna work on this but in the same time#I wanna draw other stuff too#but no time#eventually I'll get to it *clinging to this so tightly I don't let go*#you would think the entrance might not be that important#but that's where most sponsors and betters hang out#as well as the prep zone#you want to find yourself a nice noble sponsor you wanna hang out there for a bit#as long as you made yourself known in the fights#also the gambling is all sorted there
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LOST: Season One
#lost#abc lost#lost one cap per ep#this was a project i was gonna do anyways but the timing worked out that i could post the first one on the 20th anniversary!#this is one cap per ep every season. from left to right. and this is important: its not a cap that sums up each ep#its a cap that REPRESENTS each ep. the way i choose them varies every episode#sometimes its an utterly iconic moment. sometimes it reps the theme of the ep. or it hits with a theme of the character themselves#sometimes the cap i use won't even involve the character whose centric episode it is. trust me. this makes sense#anyways i'll give a good example: for outlaws i was so tempted to use a shot of the judgemental soulful gaze of the boar#or perhaps sawyer in the rain after he shot that man#but! i used that shot of sawyer's dads legs as sawyer is hiding under the bed. i feel it worthy because this moment. this scene#is literally a core part of sawyer. it's a defining moment of his backstory. of his character. so yeah. makes sense yeah?#anyways some eps had Too Much going on (lord i could make one of these for exodus part 1 alone) and some not enough#or well they DID but like lacked in caps that Hit in the way im thinking. thank heavens charlie shot ethan cuz i was worried about that ep#i was like ''aw shit what am i gonna use'' and then an iconic lost moment happened kjhfdsjkhfd#anyways. there are 25 eps in season one. so im really glad that the last ep contains one of the moment iconic visuals/moments in all of los#oh i should add that these caps are unedited. i did not fuck with the colours or saturation in any way#i found 'em and i pieced them together. this is harder than it sounds. i browsed through all the screencaps of every ep of season one#and i will do so the remaining five seasons#some of these were super easy like i knew what cap i'd be using before i even started (eg. do no harm. the moth. in translation)#but some took some real Thinking. and some eps even had several caps that would have worked. this has all been quite interesting#also yeah. y'all already know damn well what cap i'm using for the very last episode
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Heyyy….so I’m back to posting arts momentarily I guess (not like I went anywhere though. Still spending my life staring at a iPad screen for nine hours straight….hate this routine I loosely call “living” so much hahahahaha chronically online potato sack. Not doing so hot I can’t even anymore!)
Anyways uh-so I have a lot of scraped things because I’m loosing energy to do creative works I can’t keep pushing myself. Kinda accepted that I’ve weighed myself down exhausted myself with all this pressure and I need to let go. But it’s hard and honestly the last thing I want is fatigue again. But guess it’s a cycle for a reason huh. Can’t fight it off, just stuck powerless and letting it happen begrudgingly
So I made this unfinished gif (you can tell because the hand is missing and the background looks unidentifiable. Plus cigarette smoke just gave up on existing wow so relatable). Honestly I kinda set myself up to get stuck on the process of this anyways since I don’t like animating on Procreate. The layering frames system is a pain to navigate. Only reason I wanted to animate Mr. Puzzles using Procreate is for some level of gained “experience” and added brush diversity for the glitch effect. But guess it wasn’t enough to keep my attention. Started it on August 5th, probably abandoned it two days later or so. I don’t know it feels like a long long time ago by now but that’s just because I’ve been overwhelmed mentally and can’t keep track of days passing bye
And this is the simplified version (aka what I started with originally as a drawn base messy sketchy illustration)
#cw smoking#tw smoking#mr. puzzles fanart#mr. puzzles smg4 animation#mr. puzzles animation#puzzlevision animation#hahah can you tell I’m not feeling all that good about the state of my art and would prefer to avoid drawing attention to it!#yeah yeah you probably can I’m not even bothering to conceal how unstable I feel right now :)#one moment I’m chatting to myself enthusiastically about my interests and then next moment I feel like I’m incompetent and not good enough#just comparing myself to other animators who seem to have no difficulty finishing projects#why the hell can’t I do that? why do I get stuck and take so long#maybe I’m not cut out for it like I thought I was….#maybe I need to switch careers to voice acting instead or something#because as it is I’m getting sick of spending my days in my room animating away without anything to show for my work and time#ahahahaha wow being a creative sure is a double edge sword huh?? :))#damn wonder if Mr. Puzzles is gonna turn into a vent character for me oh boy can’t wait to see I wonder huh#venting in tags#update#hplonesome art
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one problem with felix is that I keep going 'oh you know what would be a completely logical consequence of the life circumstances he's experienced which are completely different than mine' where the answer is something I almost immediately recognize as being devastatingly relatable to myself
#AWFUL. HOW DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING.#and then every time being like 'OKAY DAMN MAYBE NOT THIS THEN'#but on the other hand it MAKES SENSE AS COMING FROM WHATEVER BACKSTORY THING I WAS BUILDING IT OUT OF--#the thing about OCs in general is you can't help spilling yourself into them and it Feels Some Type Of Way every time I notice#but with felix it keeps happening upfront and I keep noticing immediately and going HEY STOP THAT.#[trait] or [feeling] or [preference] stems from a COMPLETELY different place for me!#why does taking wildly different paths from different starting points keep bringing me to the same horrifyingly telling destinations#or in the other direction-- 'oh I want him to have [trait] because that will be fun to roleplay and fits his concept'#'hmm I imagine a reason he might have [trait] would be [DEVASTATINGLY RELATABLE FEELING/ THOUGHT PROCESS]'#nooo oh my god that CAN'T be why. it can't be because of something directly inside of my me I have to think of something else#the thing is it's not JUST that it's devastating in the Too Real sense or devastating in the Too Revealing sense#or that it's embarrassing because it doesn't feel very creative#I also do!! want him to continue to be his own guy!! I don't WANT him to drift towards true self-insert#that kind of loses the shine for me a little :') it's better if he's-- like all my other OCs-- his own guy#whom I can also work through and/or project SOME!! stuff onto. SOME!! a normal dnd character amount!!! auughhh
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Crowley would absolutely be the partner who gets really over-dramatic when their stomach hurts.
#crowley sprawled out on the sofa: Angel I’m dying#Crowley: just say goodbye to me now Angel I just want to see your face before I die#Aziraphale making him some tea: crowley you know how your corporation reacts to dairy why would you eat clam chowder AND a cheesecake??#this happens at least once a month#Aziraphale complains about crowley eating things he shouldn’t#but of course this complaining is occurring while he makes crowley tra and/or rubs his tummy#crowley can’t eat certain things but every time he’s like maybe this time will be different#me once again projecting onto crowley#because my body always has the same reaction to fried food but I’ll be damned if I don’t order some fried Mac and cheese bites#crowley#aziraphale#incorrect ineffable husbands#good omens
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me when i write a character who is prone to dooming themself and then they run off and doom themself. core traits are stubbornness and a willingness to disregard their own humanity gET BACK HERE IM NOT DONE WITH YOU
#rambling#surprisingly this is not about jakob.. im just really consistent about my favorite character archetypes 😭😭#WARNING THE NOTES ON THIS ARE REALLY LONG I STARTED RAMBLING#“ouhh i have a headache i'll just lie down and rotate my blorbos in no general direction for a while until it goes away” and then boom.#serious plot considerations. 2 questions answered 24million new questions raised. this is specifically Not what i asked for.#so now im sitting here STILL dizzy running mental calculations on how i can get this bitch out of peril without reworking everything#but they literally keep dying in every timeline 😭😭 every single plausible road leads to them running off and screwing themself over#“character who doesn't realize they want to live until it's way too late to look back” VS#“character who is forced to live and handle the things they never though they'd survive long enough to deal with” FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT.#fucking hell i have never had this much trouble writing a character as i have with them#they genuinely do just run off and do shit without my permission and then i have to pace for an hour or two wondering#“ok they wOULD do that. but should they. do i feel like i can confidently write that.”#im like constantly in this tug of war trying to get them to CHILL#but also they are absolutely my favorite character from the entire project. but like. FUCK GET BACK HERE#is death the most satisfying end to this arc? is someone who was Set on dying then NOT dying the most satisfying end to the arc?#how many bridges can you burn until you irreparably set yourself aflame too?#would ghost or revival plotline work?? would it make sense with the worldbuilding??#do i just Like Them enough to want them to not die?? where do i draw the line between personal bias and a good arc?#is death not feeling as impactful as survival solely because i've been writing for so long that it's lost the initial impact?#and other such plot considerations...#im gonna have such an easy time writing another character though 😭😭 because THAT character's dynamic in the second act#is to stare at character 1 and be like “why are you like this. i mean i know Why but can you chill. please.” and like damn bro me too#actually wait no i think kaey.a is the hardest character i've ever written i take it back#had to worry about his 20million facades AND his Actual feelings AND canon compliance. shit is hard#i still havent finished the k/aeya fic i started back when the chasm first released which is uhh. two years ago. oops.#i think i struggle writing emotionally repressed liars i think thats what this is 😭😭 anyways.#(voice of guy who has been obsessed with nonlinear narratives and tragedies for several years):#“is it too much to kill this character in a nonlinear exploration game with tragic elements”#like bitch what are you talking about 😭😭 YOU'RE the target audience here figure it out#sorry the notes on this are just my writing journal now apparently
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WSBH chara q’s: (you don’t have to answer all the numbers, just whatever you want to 𖢘)
16/35/51 for Scotch
1/6/55 for Atlas
I LOVE YOU
16. What kinds of people do they have arguments with in their head?
okay i truly think scotch argues with seraph in his head all the time. ALL the time. scotch largely ignores them, and vice versa, because he dislikes them and they know it. seraph is very conflict avoidant lol, and as long as hes not a "threat" they dont care to talk to him about their problems. he probably argues with atlas and jacob (his older brother) too, atlas about more stupid small stuff, and jacob about childhood and life stuff :p
im trying to think of more general groups he would argue with but i cant come up with anything BAHAH. hes not exactly conflict avoidant in the annoying libra way that seraph is, he more just ignores conflict for his friends’ (mostly atlas’) sake. idk if that makes sense LOL
35. What is the smallest, morally questionable choice they’ve made?
hmmm.. smallest? i mean scotch strings eloise along for most of the time pre timeskip. its not a main focus but its definitely important in order to understand scotch as a whole. she and scotch go out for a while, and mid way through that he realizes hes GAY gay. lol. and obviously lying to her about that is pretty questionable after a while. especially since he and atlas have been 👉👌 like the whole time. but she kind of knows. well
something a little bigger would be him encouraging or otherwise turning a blind eye to all the weird stuff atlas is up to. he doesn't know what it's like to be a werewolf, he can't say anything, right? lol.... murder is okay if its a talking dog doing it. scotch enabler supreme. actually when seraph is introduced, he and atlas have a 'joke' (kind of starts being real) about luring seraph somewhere to kill them. obviously doesnt happen and gets abandoned. but i think its important to know about their dynamic LOL
51. What’s a phrase they say a lot?
this guy is kind of goofy. i cant think of phrases rn but he has a specific way of speaking.. you could watch pretty much any old pop punk band interview and kind of get the idea. HAHAH
1. What’s the lie your character says most often?
atlas is a big fan of saying 'its fine' for all situations ever. family in mortal danger? its fine. completely splitting? its fine. arthritis excruciating? its fine. hes one of those people that dont like to deal with the fawning of others unless hes feeling real special. Ends up putting people in more danger a lot of the time. i think eloise is the only fan of communication in this friend group to be honest. i should have made her the main character
he tends to make promises he cant keep as well, but thats more general..
6. What’s their favorite [insert anything] that they’ve never recommended to anyone before?
i have NO idea. i feel like atlas would be a music snob, so maybe his favorite 'super underground' bands. otherwise he'd probably never recommend raw human meat to another human (no matter how much scotch asks -__-).. (he would chicken out anyway)
55. What’s something they’re expected to enjoy based on their hobbies / profession that they actually dislike / hate?
um. so atlas hates working out. he especially hates running, you know, the thing that wolves are known for doing a lot of? unfortunately the lycanthropy came with a side effect of pretty bad arthritis, so that doesnt exactly encourage him. he DOES exercise, a lot since hes pretty much required for his ermm "side job", but he hates it 😸 besides the arthritis it’s mostly because I think it’s silly that he hates it. yay
#ummm a lot of what i talk about with my ocs are the character relationships but thats why i write. i like gossip. its fun. LMFAO#im actually having trouble deciding whether i want atlas to be a killer or not. like regularly killing i mean. hes definitely killed SOMEON#im really inspired by ginger snaps and scream. i dont even like scream that much but it reminds me of how they are. lol#scotch and atlas are pretty different but theres two things i see as themes. they both hate communication (and that causes conflict; so mor#avoiding). and the fact that scotch lives vicariously through atlas. atlas is doing#what scotch thinks is interesting. for pretty much the entire time; scotch likes to beg atlas to turn him. i think scotch sees the lack of#control he has over his life and sees lycanthropy as power. arguably thats why scotch is so attracted to atlas. lol#idk. thats not canon. im just thinking out loud here.#and yk it is power but not freedom. atlas would much rather just be a regular wolf. hunting and shit. but hes got these damn people here lo#but he sees what his life is like being a lycanthrope and hes kinda like. no. im not bringing that onto you. you dont know what youre askin#YOU KNOW? its goofy. i know. but its fun. LOL#if you (a general audience you but it can be you too grins) want to talk about scotch's confusion about his attraction to eloise we'd be#here all day. i think scotch is an egg. i dont know. i truly think theres some vicarious living (again) through her femininity.#and el is trans so he doesnt see her femininity as unattainable to him. you know? i hope that makes sense lol and im kind of projecting on#to him wif dat. to be honest. but obviously in the other direction. BWAHAH#asks#eucyon#thank u for da ask jesse this is so fun ^__^ and exciting that someone remembers their names HAH#after all this talking in the tags what I meant to say is that scotch and atlas both have sick intentions. it’s just that scotch doesn’t#act on them. and atlas does. so. living vicariously. ok
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another episode of rewatching Supergirl and my favourite pet peeve still is how in one episode Alex has a broken arm and literally the next she's up and kicking and no one even mentions her injury like ever again!
#yes broken bones heal#but it takes a damn long time#more like weeks sometimes even more#and they're still sore for like months after the cast comes out#unless she has some kind of fast cure alien drug#something ala harry potter growth bone magical potion#but come on give me a bit of struggle here#there's no stakes if a character can bounce back from an injury that fast#besides the episode would have been so much better if she'd still been with her arm in a sling#give me the pain the grit the realness#also do they want me to believe the government would have waited nearly a month to conduct an internal investigation#after having found an alien as the director of one of their top secret agency?#and don't get me started on the whole alex being sent to project cadmus because of treason#like we don't have press and human rights#lmao#the only good things is that at least lucy is back#supergirl
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thinking a lot about Ryan (the boys) - Jack (supernatural) parallels
SPOILERS AHEAD FOR THE BOYS SEASON 4 FINALE
everyone obviously has strong feelings about Ryan killing Grace. sadly, i've only seen a lot of vitriol towards Grace for pushing Ryan into killing her... And it's Jack killing Mary all over again.
Grace is scared and has waaaaaaay more awareness of the current danger than Ryan, whereas Ryan is not objective about Homelander and is not understanding what's politically happening, all the bloodshed about to happen. Yes, Grace overloads Ryan with truth bombs about who Homelander is and is asking "too much" of him... but Ryan is not justified in killing her. Full stop. His life was not at risk. His AUTONOMY was. But he was face-to-face with his honorary aunt, who took him in and housed and clothed and fed him, crying, confiding her grief, expressing her love, visibly fearful and hesitant... and Ryan had to shut off his empathy to kill her in that moment.
And it's fiction! So, to serve the plot, this straw had to break. Ryan has gone from accidentally killing his mother in an effort to save her to then killing an honorary family member on purpose. Much to chew on; how did this sweet little boy get to this place? ... But people would rather spit out the story trying to be told (how radicalization happens, how how seemingly good people can be driven to selfish/evil actions, how power corrupts, and so much more) in favor of spewing misogyny. "she fumbled the bag!" "stupid hag got herself killed!" Immediate forgiveness for Ryan ("who among us would have acted any differently in that moment???" they cry), pointing all the blame towards the woman girlbossing-gaslighting a poor widdle boy.
Like... It's the same story again, as far as the vitriolic response to a woman "getting herself killed" by standing her ground/reaching out to a dangerous child. but i'll say it: THESE WOMEN DID NOTHING WRONG. the answer is not "let the dangerous, overwhelmed child walk away." the tragedy is that these women held out hope that their dangerous children wouldn't lash out at them when they reached out. they had trust. Ryan/jack didn't trust back. they rejected. they shut off their empathy.
now, Jack had his journey and we've seen him go the path towards redemption. but it's really awful to see Ryan kill Grace with no apparent sense of guilt and just walk away, and the only audience response i've seen is blaming either Grace or Butcher for RYAN'S ACTIONS.
and it's just not very heroic to refuse responsibility for one's actions. in a show about morality and redemption vs digging one's heels in and rejecting culpability, I really hope the boys pull off their morality tale and those uncritical of Ryan will learn better.
#we are in a low point for critical reading skills#and i'm glad the boys is so obvious and on the nose#because certain people are only just this season realizing that Homelander is the villain#many such cases#just pisses me off that people are way more critical of the heroes rather than the villains#and stories like Ryan are meant to make one reflect on how we ourselves were raised to behave#which apparently makes people so uncomfortable they would rather blame the mother figures than be critical of this child they project onto#because Ryan is both a victim and a power fantasy#I swear how you feel about Ryan&Jack is a litmus test for your morality and your media comprehension both#and luckily Ryan got the ideal loving mother childhood so his storyline should have a much more cut-and-dry moral lesson#none of this “he was abused as a child😭” apologism that I see jack get shielded by all the time because he's technically a toddler#and I don't think anyone's reading Ryan as nd either which is another scapegoat cut out >_>#bc autism be damned jack is aware of the responsibility he takes for his own actions#long rant#the boys#supernatural#Mary winchester#grace mallory#Ryan butcher#(can you believe that is canonically his last name??) billy don't act like it enough#jack supernatural#jack winchester#:)
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...
#i spend so mad god damn time bitching on this website. its bc i dont talk to ppl. whens the last time i had a non functional conversation?#uuuuhhh last weekend or maybe the weekend before that? so like i gotta complain somewhere. so if i stop complaining u can assume i made#friends lmao. ugh. its just. im worried. im worried abt how this semester is gonna go. how this phd program is gonna go#bc i spent the last 2 years destroying myself. realized ive gotta stop doing that. haven't figured out how to stop and now im gonna triple#the amount of pressure im under while trying to do things in a more healthy way. its just like. it objectively doesnt seem like a formula#for good things to happen. im more worried for how catastrophic its gonna b on my brain than i am abt the things i think most ppl would b#concerned abt. like im not worried abt planning and executing a project or teaching beyond fear of the unknown#its like. ive done these things before. theyre difficult but u make due and tackle the problems. but when it comes to: how to maintain a#healthy school/life balance? i dont even kno where to start with that. i just dont bc when u have a learning disability things just take#more time but like how much time is too much? where does it end? i dont kno how to manage it and i dont wanna hate my project by the end#of this. i want to b excited and not paralyzed bc im afraid i cant change my behavior and its gonna kill me#and im worried bc im meeting with my advisor for the 1st time since march before i agreed to join thr lab and have i prepared for this#project which is almost complete unrelated to what i did in my last lab? no bc ive been managing data and im still not done managing data#bc i cant focus bc i collected that data in a way that was actively self destructive. and i mean i kno itll b fine. thr guy seems nice i#just hate that im showing up devoid of enthusiasm bc its all been drowned out by the fear. and thats also gonna make teaching a problem#bc its hard to b excited abt things when there's a hole in your chest and ur desperate for someone to tell u how to fix it. but idk helping#ppl does usually make me feel better so maybe itll b a good thing. forgot how much i feel like im dying when i sit in meetings and#classroom tho lol. god its been 2yrs since i was a student. classes feel like such bullshit now. and yet if i dont get all As i might die#my students better b good. i have the 1st lab section bc thr lead ta couldnt do that time. so im the trial lab and i start fucking Monday#who tf does labs the 1st week of class? ugh. also its an intro bio so like 2/3 of thr class r freshman. lil bby 18yos and some r non bio#majors. and ive been warned that sometimes there r problems with ppl who don't believe in evolution and cause problems. pls let my classes#b good. im not that worried. its just gonna b annoying as fuck. im not good at being authoritative#ugh. i should b reading papers so i dont look like too much of an idiot tomorrow. itll b fine im just an anxious freak. a lil over a week#until i can try to find a therapist. probably seek medication bc i dont kno how else to stop this bullshit. annoying. i grew up with a dad#who gets anxious abt the idea of taking too much medication when he tskes a single ibuprofen. in this household we feel pain and then we#die miserable. this is all his fault. we have the same brain.im just a lil more irradidic than him#its so funny i say that bc im like the least irradic person ever. i do the same things every god damn day. im just irradic in terms of#sometimes i feel like my brain is on fire and im a cry bby lol#whatever. enough bitching. ive got papers to read. or maybe ill just go to bed and read them tomorrow 🙄#unrelated
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got a 79 on my economics finals i need to jump off a cliff 😂
#i still passed that class and got good grades on the rest of my classes too#just waiting for one more but damn this just looks so fucking ugly 😭#dude barely thought anything and he did say he will let u pass as long as you attend his classes AND I DID WTF#even that one time there was only five of us in there like you could've considered attendance bro 😂#i swear all of us learned NOTHING in his class like he would literally just read off the book or a ppt and like..translate it in tagalog#a total of 10 mins of lecture then he starts gossiping with my classmates like it was fine at some point but then he really just kept doing#that on all of his classes like even in the exam day he was so noisy gossiping with the students 😭#he gave out the lesson resources(?) LATE too and i did try to understand them but the exams are just so fucking weird 😭#its like....idk i READ the lessons and understood them but the exam was still so fucking hard like do you want us to pass or not 😂#well idk im just pissed off KSKSKD a line of 7 grade made me the way i am now lol suicidal and shit 😂😂😂#the last time is another complicated story tho...i mean i don't care as much now bc i still passed anyway?#it just looks so ugly.....fuck you 😭#like he didn't even have homework or projects like dude literally just predicted the grade for pre-finals i mean from 93 to 79 like okay 😂#share ko lang 🙄#<- this might be my vent tag KDJDJ i hope no one uses the same thing lmfao
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... so normal™ about Loкi doing time jumps
#blahblah#rant in tags#also silvie is so mehh in s 2 why is she even still there- her role in the current plot twists is barely existing idk#loki sure is simping for her but i would give it a medium simping rate 4/10 aka he could be simping for anyone else#it doesnt change anything- actually it would be good for him if he simped anyone else -bcs their ship is kinda ...paused? it doesnt evolve!#(apparently its like with queer baiting and gay divorce shit: they just wont ever dare to give them enough of screen time bcs selfcest)#orisitjustme? might be imagining things ...but it's been five out of six eps by now#and they didnt even (at least) show them talking for more than five minutes#also yes she def annoyed me by her typical angry wannabe giving zero damns girl facade#also not much character development in the script for her? why tho?#................ i might have projected shit onto her but figures i am not the only one who thinks she became boring#still less boring and much less annoying than ugh that captain(ess) marvel butstilltheywhoknowwhatimeantheyknowwatimean
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taking a coin out and opening clip today like 'oh boy who am i going to project onto today ٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶'
#snap chats#ugHHHH#had another nightmare about my mom so now that im free from commission work its projection time#ive had nightmares every day at this point but this one just. especially hit me for some reason LMAO#whatever now im trying to figure out who....#because it very easily could go either way and i know i can make both work very well. if i can be confident for .5 seconds for once#i have visions and reasonings for either or i just dont know which is better#they say you should do a coin flip because subconsciously youll want one result over the other#but in this case im genuinely at a stand still#i dont want to explain my reasonings for jo's vers and arakawa's vers for the fear of someone reading these tags#and liking one more than the other but then i end up doing the opposite#SO no one gets to know until i actually do it#i just gotta look at the wall and let my heart decide#this is the problem with two bitches you like having parental issues like Damn Which One Of You Would Be More Banger For Storytelling#TO SOME THE CHOICE IS OBVIOUS but theres just so much to play with here....#anyways we'll see what i do in a few hours. if i even do anything and i just dont look out my window ghandi style all day
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i always know i’m getting stressed when my comfort fic becomes “time travel fix-it” adjacent. like honestly when i put that tag back in the ao3 include filters that should have been a red flag.
#i also know i'm getting stressed because i'm starting to do quirky shit#like naming one of my wip documents 'the inside of my head sounds like screaming'#plus i just. have the insatiable urge to DO SOMETHING but that something is none of the things i can think of to do#even the unproductive ones. even the productive ones. it's not that. i need to DO SOMETHING but my body and mind can't decide on what#i'm running out of time. i have a deadline. the deadline has always been tangible and yet somehow it never was.#i have an exact date and somehow that's still nebulous and ephemeral#i am so tired#how do i convince someone i'm hireable when sometimes i'm still trying to convince myself#like i would love to tell these people that i am a WHIZ i am a GODSEND like if i don't know how to do it point me at the documentation#like i'd love to tell them all of that but the minute i look at a job application suddenly i'm questioning everything i thought i Knew#like i'm handed a school assignment and i'm like yes. this i can do. idc. it'll be done and i'm gonna get a damn A#why is this different. like literally why would it be that different. they say 'do this thing' and then i do the fucking thing.#that's life. that's work. that's what i've been told. why am i so scared. why am i not sure i can do it.#like i CAN do it that's what we've been fucking preparing for#i have As!!! As!!!!! they emailed me about graduating with distinction!!!!#i wasn't even trying that fucking hard!!!! this is my normal tryhard!!!!!#why am i so scared a job won't want me. when they're asking for fresh faced college grads.#i'm so tired. i have a headache. i am so afraid. i just need a job. literally one.#i am so scared of the mess i am going to become once i cross that stage#i am so. terrified. i wish i could anticipate graduation like everybody else in my design project.#the future has teeth. and my only option rn is just. bite it first. but i don't think i've ever been that violent.#i'm not ready#i am so scared#not kpop#shut up vic#negativity
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My dad has this theory about “project-based friends” that I’ve been thinking about lately. A project-based friend is someone you meet through fandom/hobbies, and they’re usually really easy to get super close to while you’re both invested in the project, be it an actual project or the same fandom/fixation or whatever else.
But as soon as one or both of you moves on from the project, you fall out of touch. Because the project-based friend doesn’t really care about you as a person as much as they care about what you bring to the project. Or even if they do care about you, they just don’t know how to keep a friendship up when you don’t have a project together.
This isn’t necessarily a selfish thing, it’s just… the friendship isn’t personal. A project-based friend will have fun with you while it lasts and then either move on entirely or stay kinda half in your life, never really reaching out or holding real conversations. And I think a big part of my problem is that I’ve been expecting project-based friends to stick around for me when really we just liked the same work of fiction for a while. I keep thinking I’ve made a new best friend and then they get into some media I don’t like and the whole friendship kinda disappears.
#this is hard to accept because it’s some of the people I consider my best friends. but my dad is probably right.#they’ve gotten a new project and that doesn’t mean they hate me it just means I’m like. not on their radar how I once was.#do I cry about it every weekend? of course.#but I am trying to learn to not take it personally#cause I don’t think it’s about me. I think it’s about them having new interests and me not being able to join in with that#I’ve TRIED to join in but it just doesn’t work. I just don’t like the current project.#and maybe when the project is something I do like we can talk again#that’s another thing about project based friends is it seems like I am always the one making an effort to get into their new thing.#almost never them trying for me. and if they do try it is very short lived. oh well#Calvin talks#vent#I guess#personal#I dunno. it’s been over half a year. I’m getting tired.#also WHY is it that 9 times out of 10 my project based friends will get me into the damn thing and then move on before I do#dude I did this for you!!! I got into this shit so we would have something to talk about!!! and now you are ignoring me!!!!#sorry. I’m having a rough evening#I kinda don’t know if I should post this actually#I don’t like to get personal on tumblr#and this isn’t intended to vague anyone it’s just some ruminations on the nature of almost every friendship I’ve ever had.#even tho it DOES feel especially bad lately#like I care more than ever and people are either stringing me along or ignoring me entirely#but like. again. I just tend to get too invested in relationships that don’t matter to the other person#or that do matter to them but not as much#delete later
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