#this chapter was going on 10k words so i split it in half

[veronicaphoenix]

zutto — chapter six | wc: 2.7k | series masterpost | prev. chapter

Chapter summary: Lia and Noah go out for brunch and Noah tries to convince her to cancel the tour in Japan.

Tags and trigger warnings: fluff, fluff, fluff, noah and lia go shopping, noah and lia visit a sex shop, implied interest in bondage, mentions of previous sexual activity, mentions of lia being tied up, brief mention of parents' neglect and japanese folklore (noah being ill with a flower-coughing disease).

General trigger warnings: this work addresses and depicts issues related to addiction, abuse, & violence, contains explicit sexual content, and explores themes of childhood trauma. Reader discretion is advised. +18

Author's note: This chapter was supposed to be around 10k words, but it felt too long so I split it. Chapter 7 will be up this weekend with the remaining 7k words 🤭

There is a quote in this chapter that belongs to the poetry book Questions for Ada written by Ijeoma Umebinyuo. It's marked with an *

Sunlight was streaming brightly through the curtains by the time Lia awoke, indicating that it must be late.  

   Getting used to the golden light that flooded the room, she brushed aside the long strands of hair that had fallen across her face. Noah’s shoulder and bicep were almost pressed against her, his head resting higher on the pillow and tilted toward her, as though he didn’t want to stop breathing on her. She couldn’t remember when she had fallen asleep—whether it had been on Noah’s chest or just clutching the pillow under her head after he’d given her another orgasm positioned behind her. She did remember him cleaning her up and her mind feeling all fuzzy and cotton-like.

   She hadn’t slept this well in a long time. 

   Smiling at the sight of him, she decided to spend the rest of the time while Noah was still asleep just watching him. At least, that’s what she intended—until her fingers couldn’t resist wandering over to him.      

Noah lips were half-open, revealing a tiny bit of those bunny teeth she adored so much. His cheeks were flushed, and his hair was disheveled. Beneath the sheets, both of them were naked, their scents lingering in the fabric, though the heavy scent of sex was more prominent.  

   Lia brushed aside a lock of Noah’s hair that threatened to fall over his eyes, and a memory from her teenage years suddenly flooded back. It was one of those weekends when Cristina had abandoned her, leaving her alone. Hana had obviously let Lia stay over, but against her orders, Lia had sneaked into Noah’s room after midnight instead of sleeping in the guest room. Back then, Noah slept like a log. At seventeen, his passion for music already coursed through his veins relentlessly, and many nights were spent working, only remembering to sleep when he couldn’t keep his eyes open any longer. The nights he spent with Lia were no different—they would stay up watching movies or talking. That particular night, she had fallen asleep first, but woke up earlier, and took a quiet moment to brush his hair while he slept, softly snoring.

Now, eleven years later, the scene felt almost surreal, like a replay of the past. Lia was sure he had the same peaceful expression, the same boyish features. Even in sleep, he looked like a child, lost in his dreams. The urge to protect him was as strong as ever, just as he had done for her all these years. It felt like the least she could do—besides loving him.

Noah’s chest rose as Lia made a futile attempt to tuck the lock of hair behind his ear. He stirred, and two more strands slipped down to join the first, falling across his eyes and making him blink awake. 

The moment he saw her wide eyes looking up at him, paired with that smile that always seemed to cure his every ill, he couldn’t help but smile back. He felt fucking happy to wake up next to the girl he loved—especially with her naked under the sheets.

“Good morning,” he murmured.

“Morning,” she replied, trying to ignore the tingling in her toes and the warmth spreading through her body at the sound of Noah’s deep, sleepy voice. His eyes, with their distinct Asian shape, looked even more beautiful in the morning—smaller, almost like thin slits.

“You look wide awake. How long have you been staring at me?” he asked, his playful arrogance showing the familiar self-assuredness that Lia was all too familiar with.

She scoffed, rolling her eyes. “You’ve got some nerve,” she shot back, equally accustomed to his confident, slightly egotistical humor.

With a burst of energy, he grabbed Lia by the waist and tried to tickle her. She squealed, rolling onto her side, giggling, until they lay chest to chest, both facing each other on the bed.

“No more than ten minutes,” Lia said, catching her breath as his warm brown eyes twinkled. “How did you sleep?”

“I had this dream...,” he started, “where I had sex with my favorite girl on the couch, and then in this very bed...”

   Oh, he loved seeing her blush and smile like that at his words. He pulled her tighter against him, brushing the hollow between her neck and shoulder with his lips. 

   “I haven’t slept this well in a long time,” Noah added, “even though I was awake around seven.”

   “Seven o’clock?” 

   “Yeah, I guess it’s routine. I went to the bathroom, grabbed some water, and then… well, I spent some time looking at you until I fell asleep again.”

   “How long were you watching me?”

   “Oh, you’ve got some nerve,” he echoed her earlier words with a grin, dropping onto his back and pulling Lia with him. She landed on top of him as he continued, his tone calm and tender. “I didn’t plan on going back to sleep, but you looked so peaceful. I didn’t want to leave or wake you, so I just watched for a while. Are you okay?”

Lia, now resting her chin in her hands on his chest, nodded.

“I’m a little sore, but it’ll pass.”

   Noah sighed, content, engrossed in holding Lia like this, in his arms. 

   Lia reached up to his chin and gave him a ghost kiss where his stubble was starting to grow. 

   “I’m sorry I was in the way of us,” she whispered.

   “You were scared, and you had every reason to be. But that’s all behind us now. We have our whole lives ahead of us, Lia. And believe me, I don’t plan on wasting a single second of it. I just need you to be honest with me. You know I’ll never hurt you. But if I have to get angry, I will. I’m not letting you walk away from me again.”

   She climbed on top of him, pressing her chest and stomach to his, and touched his cheeks. 

   “I love you.”

   “That sounds wonderful. Say it again.”

   “I love you.”

   Noah kissed her, long and hard. 

   After a while, when they bothered to look at their phones to check the time, they realized it was already past eleven.  

   “I guess we missed breakfast. How about I take you out for brunch?” Noah suggested, his hands resting on her hips, savoring the weight of her body against his.

“Sounds great.”

“And we can talk about Japan.”

Lia’s eyes widened instantly.

“Yes, please.”

“I’m not going to be able to convince you to stay here, am I?”

“Nope. There’s nothing you can do,” she concluded.

“Nothing?” he insisted.

“Nothing. Don’t even try using sex as leverage. I want to go to Japan. I want to go back to work. I’m feeling fine. I’ll be with you and with the crew.”

“Stubborn since you were six...” he sighed. “All right. Let’s go take a shower and get some air. Looks like the storm has passed.”

After showering and getting dressed, Noah and Lia headed out to Santa Monica Place, looking for a restaurant that served a healthy and affordable brunch.            

Once seated, they browsed the menu, deciding on an avocado bagel with poached eggs for Lia and a bacon-loaded toast with eggs for Noah. As they waited for their food, Noah’s phone buzzed with a call from Matt. It was well-timed, since if they decided the Japan tour was still on, Matt would need to come by that afternoon to catch Noah and Lia up on the logistics.

Ten minutes later, their food arrived, along with a strawberry smoothie for Lia and a green one for Noah.

“I know I just told Matt to meet us this afternoon to talk about the tour,” Noah began, cutting into his toast. “And I know you said there’s no convincing you, but I’m going to try anyway. I’d rather postpone it, stay home a little longer, and give you more time to recover. It feels rushed to put you on a plane and keep you away from home for a month and a half right now.”

   “You’re being overprotective,” Lia replied with a smile, “and I love that, but I need to work. Staying home won’t help me. As lovely as the last few days have been, I’m sure you’re starting to get tired of being cooped up at home with me, too. We haven’t gone out except for groceries and therapy appointments. You haven’t been to the gym, or out for a run, and you’ve ignored most of your work calls.”

“I was focused on what matters to me,” Noah replied, his voice quiet but firm.

Lia reached out, taking his hand. “You’ve always been good at looking out for me while managing everything else.”

“That’s not true,” Noah said, his tone darkening. “If that were the case, Mitch wouldn’t have touched you.”

A heavy silence fell between them.

“I’m sorry,” he quickly added, regret filling his eyes. “You’re still not comfortable talking about it. I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

   “Maybe I never will be,” Lia said, her voice steady but raw. “But that doesn’t mean I’m going to let him control my life. I’d rather not hear his name now, but one day, I won’t care.”

“I’m proud of you, Lia. For everything you’ve accomplished on your own. You built a life for yourself from nothing.”

“It wouldn’t have been so easy without a best friend who picked me up every time I fell.”

“I just offered my hand. It was always you who chose to take it.”

The weight of Noah’s words lingered in the air. Lia felt the echoes of her past ripple through her—the weight she had carried for so long, the trauma she had inherited from her mother, the silent strength she’d summoned to survive. She thought of all the daughters like her—those who had to raise themselves, who had learned to build their own light in the darkness.

Bless them; those girls who, despite the odds, managed to build themselves a future from the fragments of their past. Bless those daughters who sat carrying the trauma of mothers. Who sat asking for more love and not getting any, who carried themselves to light. Bless the daughters who raised themselves. *

Lia stroked the back of Noah’s hand with her thumb. With a sigh, she returned to her plate, taking a bite as they both sat in a shared, contemplative silence.

   “As I was saying, we can’t keep this routine up much longer,” she said. “You’re going to start climbing the walls and...”

   “No. I can go back to work but without having to travel. We cancel the tour and focus on the new album,” Noah countered.

   Lia shot him a tired look. 

   “The only thing you’ll do if you cancel the tour is keep getting distracted—because of me.” 

   “What about your plants?” Noah shot back. “What if they don’t survive while we’re in Japan?”

   “I’ll ask Emery to come water them every now and then,” Lia replied, unfazed. 

   “And what if you get overwhelmed with work?” 

   “Work has never overwhelmed me. In fact, if I don’t start sketching something soon, I’m going to go mad. Stop finding excuses, Noah. Canceling an entire overseas tour because of me would be worse. Imagine the guilt I’d be carrying around.”

Noah hesitated. She was right.

“Besides,” Lia added, “we haven’t seen Grandma in over a year.”

“Grandma said the other day that your health was more important. The trip could wait.”

“I’m well enough to travel, Noah. Or didn’t you notice that last night?”

Noah blinked. “Are you comparing sex to a trip to Japan?”

She shrugged casually. “You compared it to your performance on stage.”

For a second, Noah didn’t know whether to raise his eyebrows or burst out laughing. The girl was impossible.

“Is this how it’s going to be?” he asked, half amused. “You getting me to do whatever you want because you know I can’t say no to you?”

Lia smiled and gave a playful shrug. “Maybe you need to set some boundaries, then.”

   Noah shook his head, defeated but grinning.

   “Well, at least the trip will help Grandma clear up all those mysteries she’s been holding onto for months.”

“What mysteries? About your flower-coughing fits?” Lia asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Exactly. Didn’t she talk cryptically the last few times you spoke to her? She had me in stitches.”

“About her theory that it had something to do with me?” Lia sighed. “No. I changed the subject every time she brought it up. I think she got the hint that I didn’t want to discuss it—and definitely didn’t like her linking me to you in that way.”

   “That’s strange.”

   “What is, exactly?”

   “That out of everyone around us, Grandma was the only one who didn’t hammer us with comments about getting together. Together this way, I mean.”

   “Whatever’s been going through her head all these years,” Lia said thoughtfully, “I plan to get it out of her the minute we step into her house at the end of the tour.”

The outing was intended as a distraction and a small boost for Lia’s mental health, with plans to do some light shopping after filling their stomachs.

They wandered through a few stores, starting with one that offered items they might need for their upcoming trip. Next, they visited a flower shop where Lia carefully selected seeds to plant at home, hoping they would blossom in her absence and greet her with vibrant blooms upon her return, and a special set of seeds to spill in Grandma’s little garden in her house in Japan. Their final stop was a stationery store, where Lia restocked her supplies. She grabbed some high-quality paper and a couple of her favorite mechanical pencils, a couple of sketchbooks of different size, a set of fine-tipped markers, and a travel-sized watercolor kit, knowing these would be perfect for capturing inspiration on the go.

As they left the stationery store, Lia glanced at their shopping bags, wondering if they had everything they needed. Her mind buzzed with ideas that she desperately needed to either voice or transfer to paper, but before she could share them with Noah, he casually mentioned, “We’re still missing condoms.”

   Lia lifted her eyes to him only to find him motioning towards a sex shop located between a Zara and a Hollister Co. She followed him, feeling a strange comfort in the idea of buying condoms with him. 

   Inside, Noah’s initial confidence wavered as he looked around the adult store, but Lia seemed more at ease. She browsed through the various options with a calm curiosity, which made Noah’s unease more pronounced.

   After a couple of minutes, he picked up a box of size L condoms to examine. With a bemused look, Lia took the box from his hand and replaced it with a medium size, her expression clearly saying, “seriously, Noah?” 

   Now holding two boxes of medium condoms, Noah continued to explore the options, engrossed in comparing brands and types. He studied the packaging and ingredients, curious for the first time, lost in thought, and didn’t immediately notice when Lia wandered off. When he finally did, he assumed she was simply exploring the store’s offerings. Raising his voice slightly, he called out, “Hey, I’m heading to the checkout!”

   He paid for their items, swiping his card before glancing around for Lia to let her know it was time to leave. His eyes froze as he spotted her standing in front of a section dedicated to ropes, where various types hung from a bar, inviting examination. Lia’s hands delicately held a velvety red rope, her fingers gliding over its soft texture as if savoring the sensation.

Noah watched her; the way she studied the rope, her brows slightly furrowed in contemplation… The velvety material slipped smoothly through her fingers. And suddenly he was imagining her naked on his bed, wrapped in that soft rope. 

Swallowing hard, he called out her name.

She turned around quickly, the rope slipping from her grasp and landing softly on the display. Noah gestured toward the exit with a slight nod. Lia, with a hint of color blooming on her cheeks, hurried after him.

   As they walked out of the store and made their way back to Noah’s car, Lia glanced down at their intertwined fingers. Noah would occasionally tighten his grip around her, relishing in the sensation of how perfect her hand fit in his. 

A smile tugged at Lia’s lips.  

— prev. chapter | chapter seven ➡️ coming this weekend.

Taglist: 

@sweetwombatpizza | @missduffsblog | @shilohrosechicken | @jilliemiw86

@somebodyels3 | @respectfulrebel | @xcllnt | @bluestdai | @lma1986

Let me know if you want to be tagged! 😊

[softspeirs]

Barren Soul: (17) Rest

Author's Note: I recently read The Women by Kristin Hannah and while it’s about nurses in Vietnam, I was really inspired by the look at how PTSD affected the women who served, so I’m attempting to examine Kat’s mental state a little more in this chapter. Trigger warnings also for Kat’s own musings on her physical state, including a very brief paragraph about menstrual cycles. Please beware and take care while reading. Love you guys.

When Kat wakes up, she has no idea where she is. There’s a roaring sound in her ears, and for a terrible moment, she thinks that she’s still in Bastogne, that the shelling hasn’t stopped. That she’s right back there, right in the middle of it all.

She makes a noise of discomfort as she tries to sit up, but she doesn’t have the strength, her head re-finding its purchase on someone’s shoulder.

“Don’t even think about it.” An exhausted voice rumbles from above her.

“Malark?”

“Go back to sleep, Kat. Jesus Christ.”

“I have been asleep.” She mumbles.

“No, you keep waking up and trying to stay up. We’ve been driving for an hour. Might as well make the most of it. There’s nothing for you to do right now.”

She huffs and pulls away just a little, her shivering body screaming in protest as she gets farther away from his body heat. The dark circles under Malarkey’s eyes are alarming, but they’re nothing compared to the pain she sees in his irises when he finally looks at her.

She feels so guilty that she’s been asleep on him for who knows how long while he's still trying to process everything. “I’m going to get you sick.”

He rolls his eyes. “Is that all?”

She has no idea what to say to him. She feels – disconnected from it all. She feels unbearable grief when she thinks of Skip and Penkala, and Joe and Bill. She grieves for Lieutenant Compton, and she grieves for Julian and everyone else they’ve lost.

Still, she hasn’t let herself really feel it. She’s afraid to. She’s terrified that if she makes herself feel it, she’ll never be able to pull herself out. “Any idea where we’re going?” She asks, trying to change the subject.

“Somewhere else where we’ll be in the shit, I’m sure.” He mutters.

“Malark–”

He shakes his head. “No, don’t…” He shuts his eyes. “Please don’t.”

“Kat.” Chuck Grant is on Kat’s other side, his eyes closed but clearly awake. He elbows her lightly. “Go to sleep.”

“I wish everyone would stop telling me what to do.” Kat is being petulant and she knows it, but she doesn’t know how to deal with the firestorm of emotions brewing in her gut.

“Well the next time one of us gets blown up, you can be in charge, okay? But until then…” Grant says, voice sarcastic.

Kat huffs out a laugh. “Don’t joke.” She leans a little sideways, and despite her protests that she’s fine, she sighs in relief when her head finds purchase on the edge of Grant’s shoulder. Her eyes slide closed.

Malarkey leans over as well, and between both of her friends, their body heat combined with the rocking motion of the truck lulls her back to sleep.

Read the full chapter here on AO3!

[philosophiums]

hi sam!! 1, 2, 6, 8, 12, 14, 15, 17, 18, 19, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 28, 30, 42, 43, 44, 45, 47, 50, 51, 55, 57, 66 (lmhs), 71, 72, 76, 78, 79 😊 i just love picking another writer's brain hehe

KSJDBVJKDFBV MARIAM IM CRYING HELP 😂 *cracks knuckles* okay let's gooooo 💜 (there's gonna be a read more somewhere)

questions from here!

1. Do you daydream a lot before you write, or go for it as soon as the ideas strike?

Truly depends on the length of the wip! For short stuff that I'm confident will be under 10k, I just go in swinging. For longer stuff, I'm daydreaming constantly, even during the writing process. When I had a desk job, I would spend Work Time thinking and then write stuff out in my notes app, but now that I operate a moving vehicle for 7+ hours a day, I just spend the majority of that time Daydreaming, Thinking, and Planning for LMHS.

2. Where do you get your fic ideas?

It's about a 60/40 split between original thoughts (as much as anyone can claim to truly have original creative thoughts that are 100% not inspired by anything else) and ideas that are based on or inspired by the premises of other fics or by fanart (sometimes not even from the same fandom).

6. What’s the last line you wrote?

From LMHS, last line of chapter 3: "Sun shining on their backs, sweet snacks in their stomachs, and laughter in the air, the three of them take off together, venturing once again deeper into Changyin’s busy streets."

8. Post an out-of-context spoiler from a wip.

Not written out yet so I can't post a snippet, but in LMHS, water is so important to Megumi's character, way beyond just bending.

12. Do you outline your fics?  If yes, how detailed are your outlines?  How far do you stray from them?

Sometimes! I did outline LMHS, though that was mostly an attempt on my part at keeping track of all the thoughts @hinamie and I were throwing at each other. It's not very detailed at all, just a bullet point list of things like "they travel to [location] - remember that [this character] is with them" or stuff like that. It's a guide for the like... movement™ of the fic, but less so the nitty gritty details, which I kind of enjoy discovering as I go (be it while I'm writing or while Hina and I are talking). But the last long fic I wrote (250k) did not have an outline. I just followed my heart and the vision I had of the end of the fic <3 The back half of that fic did have a canon timeline to follow, though, which made it easier.

14. What is your favorite location and position to write in?

SJKDBJKSDB I do about 95% of my writing in a big leather wingback armchair in my living room, usually with one leg hooked over an arm of the chair. The other 5% is bleary-eyed, 2am in bed, notes app, half-finished sentences with just the worst spelling you've ever seen.

15. What’s your favorite time to write?

It used to be between 1am and 3am, back when I was unemployed/working a job I didn't have to properly sleep for. Now, the only time I seem to be able to write is from about 8:30pm to 11pm. It takes me forever to unwind after coming home, so I can really only get myself to focus way at the end of the day. 100% if I went back to a desk job or stumbled into a pile of money that could let me stop working, I'd be right back to typing away well after midnight.

17. Do you have a writing routine?

Sit down > open word doc > reread last paragraph > dissociate > walk away > come back three hours later and write SKJDVBDKJBVJKDFBV

18. Do you enjoy research?  Which fic of yours required the most research?

I don't necessarily enjoy it, mostly because when I'm researching, I tend to get pulled down a rabbit hole of stuff I don't need to know and will never use. However, I do find that I end up doing impromptu "shotgun" research a lot while writing. Literally while writing the first chapter of LMHS, I had to pull up some research on trees just to make absolutely sure I was describing something correctly. It's 100% an inconsequential detail, but at least I know I wasn't pulling it completely out of thin air KSJVDBDKJVB I don't think I could honestly say which fic required the most research. If we include the amount of time I spent on the respective fandom wikis for character/canon details, then Swallow the Stars for sure. But if it's only for Other Stuff™, then I think they're all about equal.

19. Do you enjoy creating OCs or do you prefer to stick solely to canon characters?

I love making OCs in general, but not really for fanfic. I'll make an OC for an inconsequential side character no problem (did this a couple times in Swallow the Stars), but, for the most part, I prefer to stick to canon characters. I've never written a fic from the POV of an OC, and I doubt I ever will. I would much rather explore the dynamics between canon characters than insert a new main character into a story that already has one.

22. Do you title your fics before, during, or after the writing process?  How do you come up with titles?

Depends! I've done all three before SKJDVBDKJVBF Sometimes, a title comes to me right away, and I can sort of circle around it while I'm writing (this is more common for me with short fics). Sometimes, I get a few thousands words in, and have played with the themes long enough to have it just sort of come to me. Other times, I'm fully edited and just staring at the words begging a title to appear so I can post KSJDVBDKJFVBDFV LMHS had a title before I even started writing, because I wanted to have a title when I posted the fic announcement. As far as how I come up with them, I've pulled directly from words in the fic, I've gone on random quote generators and pulled from those, I've sat down and literally just strung words together based on a theme or a single specific word I wanted (LMHS, for instance, came from a desire to use the word "haunt"). It just kinda depends and is different for every fic!

23. Is writing the beginning, middle, or end of the story easiest? Hardest?

The beginning is easiest because it's fun character introductions and scene setting, not a lot of plot yet. The middle is by far the hardest because that's where the plot is beefiest and where a lot of the transition spaces are, and at the same time you're starting to gather up the threads you want to tie off at the end.

24. How do you choose whose POV to write in?

I choose based on whose thoughts I'm imagining most when I'm first thinking of the story! When I'm new to writing for a fandom, I will sometimes have to start a fic 2 or 3 times to find the voice that comes easiest to me, though. I have a tendency to lean towards the quieter characters, but that's not always true! For example, Andrew Minyard's POV is easier for me to write in, but I have more fun writing Neil, so I tend to gravitate towards Neil for AFTG fics.

25. What’s your favorite part of the writing process (worldbuilding, brainstorming/outlining, writing, editing, etc)?

World building my beloved..... I love coming up with Reasons for things that I want to happen, tying things into the setting and the history and making sure it works for the characters as well. The moment when everything connects is so magical.

26. What’s your least favorite part of the writing process?

Writing KJDBKJDFBVJKDBFV Words are just.... so hard 😭

28. What area of writing do you want to improve in?

Detailing! Descriptions! I am constantly fighting with myself over how much detail I actually need to include in my descriptions, because on some level, I want to describe it as much as I possibly can so that it can be envisioned easier, but on the flip side I know for a fact that no matter how much I describe something, no one will ever see it exactly the same way I do. And so then I pull back too far, I think, and keep my descriptions bare minimum, which I think is just as unhelpful. I need to work on finding a balance. Maybe metaphor can be my friend here.....

30. How much do you edit your fics?  Do you edit as you write or wait until you finish the first draft?

I usually go through for edits a minimum of two times and a maximum of 4 times. I always do an initial read-through for details that I missed or clarifications I need to make or continuity problems, stuff like that. Then I'll go through for grammar, punctuation, sentence structure, etc. If I end up rewriting a lot during that second edit, I'll go back through yet again just to double-check everything. And, more often than not, I do a last read-through right before I post. Though, inevitably, there's always something that I don't catch until it's already posted KJSBDVKDJBV

42. What’s your favorite title that you’ve come up with?

I'm really quite keen on Like the Moon Haunts the Sun !! It's longer than what I usually go for with titles, but it's sooooo thematically fitting and just really really pretty imo. But, This Is What Hollows holds a special place in my heart because it's a bit different and yet perfectly fitting for that fic. Plus, it was titled loooong before I came up with a way to include it in the actual writing of the fic, and I felt like an absolute genius when I managed to do that organically.

43. Is there a trope or idea that you’d really like to write but haven’t yet?

I have a world mostly built for a fantasy setting with dragon gods and stuff that I've planned out all the lore for and yet cannot for the life of me actually think up a plot that would be interesting to write SKJVBDJKVB I have characters, I have setting, I have themes, but a plot? Evading me. And it's been haunting me for like 7 years.

44. What is your favorite genre to write?

Urban fantasy 100%!! I love writing magic systems without having to do historical research SKJBDVKJDVB Also just the idea of magic in a place that we live in is so special to me like... there is magic everywhere in the world, but sometimes that magic really does come from a spell book like Yes Please.

45. What genre/trope do you tend to write the most?

Found family trope my beloved,,,,,,,, don't look too closely at it; it doesn't say anything about me as a person I Promise.

47. Is there a trope that you’ve written before but are now sick of?

Not a trope, but when I was younger and Working Through Some Shit, I included a, I guess, circumstance™ that I will not actually say (bc it's like. triggering) in just about every fic I wrote, but I'm past the point now (thank god) of needing to vent through it, so I truly don't think I'll ever include it in anything ever again.

50. How would you describe your writing style?

HHHHHHH I have no idea. I think I am incapable of looking at my writing objectively enough to describe it.

51. Does what you like to write differ from what you like to read?

Very much so! I love reading prose that is rich in metaphor and simile, but for the life of me I can't write like that. I don't have the gift of constantly being able to turn a phrase so beautifully, but god is it gorgeous to read.

55. Have you noticed any patterns in your fics?  Words/expressions that appear a lot, themes, common settings, etc?

I don't even want to think about the words and phrases I overuse because I'm sure there's plenty JSKDBVKJDFVB I do have a recurring theme of like... healing, though. This deep inner struggle of the characters to get to a better place is just... so important to me. I want them to heal, but more than that I want them to want to heal.

57. How conscious are you about including symbolism or foreshadowing in your fics?

I'm certainly conscious of it, but less so on the first draft. I think foreshadowing has a way of sneaking into my writing naturally (especially because I write chronologically), and then I can really hammer it in during the edit. Symbolism is purely being brought in during the first edit unless it's something so important that it was underlined a lot during the drafting/planning stage.

66. What’s a fun fact about LMHS?

It started as me just randomly thinking about ATLA and sending a question to Hina about what she thought the main trio's bending elements would be, and it just tumbled out of control from there SKJDVBDJKVFB

71. Do you spend more time reading or writing?

Writing, which is... saying something because I really don't spend a lot of time writing on a day-to-day basis. But I haven't read a published book in.... 4 years? And I don't read fanfic very often either, despite my bookmarks tab being overflowing with fics that I would like to read at some point. I just feel like I never have the time or energy to sit down and read.

72. What’s your favorite writing compliment you’ve gotten?

I have gotten a similar comment from multiple people that is about my characterization of canon characters within AUs and how it still feels like the canon characters but with realistic changes based on a different setting, and in fic writing I can't think of higher praise. Like... that's exactly what I want. I don't want the characters to be exactly the same as canon because their circumstances have changed, but I still want them to be recognizable. That's always what I'm striving for, and it makes me happy that people notice and think it's executed well enough to comment on.

76. How do you deal with writing pressure, whether internal or external?

Poorly KDEJVBKJDEFVBJKDFVBJF Really though, I struggle managing pressure when I'm writing. And it's always internal, because external pressure on fics just makes me petty since it's Free Labor, and people who complain about a slow upload schedule or whatever just make me Mad. But internal pressure is HHHHHHHHHH I am Going Through It with LMHS. I want it to live up to expectations, but I also want to finish it quickly, but I also want it to be lush and complete, and there's always this voice in my head telling me I'm not writing fast enough or good enough. Mostly I work past it by reminding myself that the time will pass anyway and that it's a miracle that I can even write ~1k words a day with how tired my job makes me. And on the days when that doesn't work, I have loud music KSJDVBDKJVBJDKFV

78. What motivates you during the writing process?

Up to the point where I start posting (for my last long fic, I was >100k in before I uploaded the first chapter), the motivation comes from a simple desire to write that particular story. For me, it can't come from anywhere else. If I don't want to write on a fic anymore and I haven't uploaded yet, I'll just stop. However, once I start posting, comments and general interaction with the fic gives me a huge bump in motivation. Engagement and talking about the story and the characters and the plot just makes me so excited to keep going so that I can drop the next plot twist or cliffhanger and read everyone's reactions. This time, for LMHS, I am very very lucky to have my own personal cheer squad of one (Hina) motivating me daily through memes and character discussion and new pieces of art and other various things <3

79. Do you have any writing advice you want to share?

The best actual constructive writing advice that I can give is: Do Not Edit Something Until You're Done. And yes, I mean the entire story - do not go back and reread/rewrite until you're done with it. Nothing will make your forward momentum disappear faster than going back to edit. If you're too hung up on details and perfection right away, you're never going to get done. You have to just write and accept that things will need to be reworked. Make notes for yourself on things to fix later or whatever, just do not scroll back up and start editing before you're done with something. It will only make you disappointed that where you pick up again isn't going to look as nice as what you just edited.

[ladysomething]

Well, I lasted three update emails. I was holding out on starting your new fic so I could binge a lot of chapters at once, but after getting the update email today I just couldn’t wait and to no one’s surprise, I loved every minute of it! Such an interesting world you’ve created and it’s only going to get better (for us, for Charles who knows).

I do have to ask since I’m not a fic writer - when you say you’re expecting this to be around 150-180k is that daunting for you as a writer or exciting? Right now you’re averaging around 8,000 words a chapter so with that average that’s around 20 chapters and with possible (please don’t view this as pressure) weekly updates that’s 20ish weeks of fic! I’m always so curious if this seems overwhelming to writers? I know as a reader it’s so damn exciting.

lol can you tell I’m a numbers girl and not a writer?

ah thank you! I'm so glad you're enjoying it, and I totally understand the urge to want to wait. I'm excited you're coming along on the journey anyway!

moving on to your question, I'll try to be succinct but to nobody's surprise I am an absolute yapper so it probably will be a long and winding answer.

I think firstly, you kind of almost explained it yourself, but in the opposite way. I'm a writer, not a numbers girl haha. I personally (though other writers may have different experiences) don't really think about how many chapters it will be, or how many weeks of uploads, so there is really no opportunity for it to be daunting because it doesn't really enter my mind.

The outline I have for this fic IS broken into chapters, but I already am not sticking to it. When I'm writing, I often explore a scene in much more detail (and therefore many more words) that I expected when writing the note for scene. e.g. today's chapter was like "1. Charles goes into pre-heat 2. max claims Charles 3. Pierre shows up" and then it ended up being 10k. I just finished writing chapter 6, which is also at 10k, and I've ended up having to shift half of what I outlined for chapter 6 into chapter 7 because I found a natural end point and I didn't want to end up with a 20k chapter.

so, for me at least, when I write I make a lot of decisions based on my instincts. does this scene need more, or is it dragging? is this chapter complete, or does more need to be added? is there too much in this chapter, and should I split it?

all of which is to say - my estimate of 150-180k is based on how much I have written so far (55k) and at what point in the story am I up to (I honestly don't think act 1 is done yet). I suspect my estimate of 150-180k is very low, and it's not getting to that word count that's daunting, because it's not what I'm actually working towards.

what IS daunting is trying to tell the story itself. are the characters right? are their intentions coming through? am I hiding what I want to hide? do I have a note of plot I've started at the beginning so I make sure I follow it through to the end? working towards answering those questions is what I'm thinking about, and that is always daunting, no matter whether its 10k or 200k (though.... PWP is always fairly mindless hahaha).

but it IS exciting. especially when people love something. I've written a lot of fic in my time, long and short, complete and not complete, and I can absolutely guarantee that the difference between exciting and daunting is how people react. when people love something ... the nerves are there, but they're eclipsed by the sheer joy of knowing you brought a smile to somebody's face with your writing.

not to get sappy, but I whole-heartedly believe that my purpose on this earth is to make people happy through my writing. if I know that I'm doing that, I could write 200k fic after 200k fic and die a happy woman.

I hope that kind of answered your question anon! long and winding, but fairly thorough? haha

[use-your-telescope]

When Everything's Made to be Broken - Chapter 3: I'm Still Not Sure What I Stand For

Summary: Theo makes a decision. The Avengers meet a prospective new member.

Author's Notes: Hey look, it's the chapter that has the first snippet I posted back in like, February! This song is split between two chapters, otherwise it would be a 10k chapter... next chapter (again, already written!) will likely come on Saturday, 10/28.

If you enjoy, please reblog!! I'm a lil' blog (less than 100 followers, haha) and reblogs really help me out <3

Content Warnings: None!

Word Count: 3,957

Read on AO3 | When Everything's Made to be Broken Masterlist

Song: Some Nights - fun.

Some nights, I stay up cashing in my bad luck Some nights, I call it a draw Some nights, I wish that my lips could build a castle Some nights, I wish they'd just fall off But I still wake up, I still see your ghost Oh, Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for, oh What do I stand for? What do I stand for? Most nights, I don't know anymore

If there was anything Theo could count on, it was that her cousin Max would inevitably disapprove of almost all of Theo’s life choices.

“Are you insane ?” The tenor of her cousin’s voice blared through the speaker, furious about the news she shared. “Seriously Leenie, you know you’re insane, right?”

“Sometimes, that’s all I have to give me comfort.” Theo drawled, cradling her phone between her ear and her shoulder as she packed her apartment up. “Max, don’t you get it? They’re alive - this is our chance!”

“No, no, no –” he retorted, “things are perfectly fine right now! There is no reason for us to go digging up the skeletons we buried -”

“Why are you so upset about this?” She said, rolling her eyes. “You literally have nothing to lose - if this works, we get our lives back. If this doesn’t work, we will stay here and nothing changes!”

“I have nothing–” A strangled groan came from the other side of the phone. “You are impossible, Leenie! What are the others going to think? What’s Mémère going to think? You’re putting all of us at risk–”

“Mémère has been pestering me to help with the shadow creature problem anyways,” Theo interrupted, “and might I remind you that between the two of us, I’m the one who has the authority to make this sort of decision.”

“I can’t – I can’t believe you,” Max sputtered; Theo could picture him walking around his house, flailing his arms in exasperation as she refused to back down on her plan. “After everything we sacrificed to get here, you’re going to risk ruining it for them?” 

“They’re my family, you asshole,” Theo snapped, “and until two nights ago, I thought they were dead. I thought I would never see them again, and I would never see my home again, but now there’s a possibility I can have my life back! So yes, I am willing to risk everything!” Staring at the half-filled boxes around her, Theo sighed; a pang of nostalgia surged through her chest at the thought of seeing the constellations that filled her childhood in something other than her dreams. “Max, they can put an end to all of this - don’t you want to go home?”

For years, Theo had dreams where she experienced the world through her sister’s perspective, but until she found out her sister was alive Theo assumed that was all they were: dreams. Her mind playing tricks on her, making her feel connected to people who hadn’t walked the earth in a long time. It wasn’t hard to rationalize - lots of people dreamt about loved ones after they passed. 

However, if it was true - if they were really alive… Maybe they weren’t just dreams. Maybe she was still connected with them and seeing what they saw. Maybe her sister was staring at the skies like they used to, remembering the tales she told Theo when they’d sneak out late at night to escape the times when it all felt like too much.

Even if Theo had seen the world through Rae’s eyes, she wondered what Rae looked like after all the time that had passed. Was she still as lean as Theo remembered, with sharp cheeks and piercing amethyst eyes that saw through everything? Was her nose still hooked ever-so-slightly? 

A shaky exhale came through the other end of the phone.

“This is our home now, Leens -” Max softened his tone, “I know you miss them, but even if it’s true that they are alive, how do you know they aren’t choosing to stay there? How do you know they would even want to help? Or that it would work?”

“Max, there’s no reason to believe they wouldn’t try to find me again - they’re my family ,” Theo protested, pinching the bridge of her nose with irritation at Max’s very blatant disapproval of her decision. “Look, I get it - after all this time it’s scary to think about the possibility that we gave up hope when they were still alive and we resigned ourselves to being refugees. But wouldn’t you rather know for sure than sit here wondering what if ?”

Theo continued haphazardly tossing items into boxes - she had to have everything ready for moving into the tower. Movers would be coming in a week, and she would have to say farewell to the brownstone she’d called home for so long.

The thought of leaving her little borough was tough to swallow - what would she do when she couldn’t stop into the bodega on her way home from work and tease Carlos about the girl who kept coming in to buy stuff just to talk to him? There was no way the Avengers ever went to bodegas when they needed something, much less talked to normal people. It seemed like they were locked up in their tower whenever they weren’t making appearances or going on flashy missions. They probably had cleaning staff and a chef that they interacted with, but beyond the staff it was difficult to imagine the Avengers living normal lives and running their own errands.

God, if Tony Stark was as obnoxious and boisterous as he seemed, being locked in a tower with him would absolutely result in Theo committing murder… 

Maybe she shouldn’t have agreed to this. 

But if it meant she could be reunited with her family, if they could finally go home and rebuild… Maybe she could hold off on murdering the Avengers’ sugar daddy.

“I can’t stop you from doing this, can I?” 

Max’s voice snapped Theo back to the present.

“No, you can’t.” Theo shook her head, adjusting how she cradled the phone so she could tape a box closed. “I gave SHIELD my terms today and they accepted. Whether you like it or not, I’m going. You’re second in command while I’m gone - you know that, right?” 

“Fucking insane,” Max muttered, “This is fucking insane.”

“Yeah, I heard you the first thirty times.” Theo replied, rolling her eyes yet again.

“Fine, fine! I will try to keep Mémère in line and make sure shit doesn’t implode,” Max relented, “You have to tell the council though - I do not condone this whatsoever.”

Fuck, Theo forgot about the council.

“Chill out - I’m sure Mémère already told them.” 

Well, she was assuming, but they’d find out one way or another. After all, there was going to be a press conference to announce her new role upon completion of SHIELD’s onboarding process, so it wasn’t like it was going to be a secret.

Max’s frustration meant the conversation didn’t last much longer; then again, it wasn’t like there was much else for the two to discuss. If anything, she was a bit relieved to be done talking to him, even if he was family.

The moment Max was no longer on the phone, Theo let out an exhausted sigh.

Maybe Max was right - maybe she was getting caught up in this for nothing. Maybe she wouldn’t get to them in time. Maybe it was actually a lie after all. Maybe this would re-open old wounds. Maybe she would be killed before finding anything. Maybe…

Wings flapping brought Theo’s attention to her open window. A pair of black, beady eyes stared at her, iridescent feathers shimmering in the light from Theo’s apartment.

Not a crow - too big to be a crow. The beak wasn’t like a crow’s, and the feathers around it were far more pronounced. 

Definitely a raven.

Ravens weren’t common in urban areas, and seeing one on its own? 

Well, if that wasn’t a sign, she didn’t know what was. 

This is it, boys, this is warWhat are we waiting for?Why don't we break the rules already?I was never one to believe the hypeSave that for the black and whiteTry twice as hard, and I'm half as likedBut here they come again to jack my style

“Dr. Theolene Amaris,” Nick Fury’s voice rang out in the meeting room as a picture of a lithe woman appeared on screen. “ - also known as the Silver Shadow, the Celestial Phantom, and the Cursed Moon.”

It was only a few hours earlier that everyone was notified of the mandatory briefing, which was described as “urgent.” 

Moments before, Loki found himself pondering the nature of the briefing while everyone packed into a bright conference room. In front of each Avenger, a manila file folder sat prepared for them with information related to the subject in question.The faces of his team members shifted as they developed their first impressions on the subject of their briefing, her likeness blown up on the screen at the front of the room. 

Despite exceeding the capacity of the space, Loki managed to secure his usual seat in the back, conveniently located near the door for an easy escape. It was a habit that lingered from his earlier days in the tower, but having an easy escape from what were normally tedious meetings was still a benefit that Loki took advantage of more often than not. Even better, there was an empty seat next to him, lessening the otherwise inevitable sense of claustrophobia that would have eventually reared its ugly head.

She really didn’t look like much. The only noteworthy feature in her appearance was the thick mane of silver hair that tumbled down her back, stopping just above her waist. Otherwise, she appeared to be like any other Midgardian: clad in all-black, a beanie atop her head with black sunglasses obscuring her features as she walked down the street. If Loki passed her in real life, there was no way he’d offer her a second glance, or even a first.

With that in mind, it was safe to assume that in this first image, she was practicing urban camouflage – blending in with her surroundings by altering her appearance and attire to mimic those around her. The less attention she drew to herself, the easier it would be to slip in and out unnoticed; it also created an additional challenge if anyone sought to locate her. As someone who’d had plenty of experience with stealth, Loki already had an idea of what her skill sets may include.

Stark studied the first image of her, brow furrowed as he spoke up. “Hell of a name, but she doesn’t look like much. What’s her doctorate in? Bad poetry? Sad music? Scaring parents?”

“Emergency Medicine.” Fury glared at Stark while Agent Hill changed the display to a second photograph. “Assuming she isn’t a serious threat is both the first and last mistake you’ll make about her.”

The second image must have been captured in combat. She crouched down as though she just landed from a maneuver, the obsidian hood of a frayed cloak masking the top half of her face as she held a black longsword composed entirely of what appeared to be magic in one hand. Her other hand radiated with darkness as it touched the ground, ready to launch some kind of spell. Blood smeared across her jawline, a scowl across her lips as a pair of corpses lay in the background. Unlike the first photo, now he could see a scar that ran down past the bottom of her lip, almost giving her the appearance of a permanently split lip. A second scar cut through the outside edge of her eyebrow, angling out towards her temple.

One detail piqued his interest: of all the realms that Loki had visited, he did not recognize where she was. He had to give it to Fury – this picture certainly made her appear far more intimidating.

“She specializes in shadow magic—“

The room erupted as all the Avengers fired off questions at the director.

“Shadow magic? Wait, is she the one behind those shadow beast-things we’ve been fighting lately?”

“What does she want?”

“Is she working for Dr. Doom?”

“Did HYDRA give her those powers?”

“What kind of villain studies emergency medicine?”

“Maybe this will help explain things.” Agent Hill tapped a screen as the image before them went to a video.

Loki had seen this video before - it was nearly impossible to miss, having been plastered all across the news for weeks. A Midgardian woman single-handedly eliminated an entire swarm of the shadowy monsters that had plagued New York City recently, all while in a subway car. Somehow, no one knew who she was or the methods used to exterminate the pests. It was obvious from the video that it was magic of some kind, though it was different from any magic Loki had ever encountered in his life and it did not resemble anything he had ever studied. Though he hadn’t admitted it to anyone, he was curious to meet this Midgardian and learn her abilities for himself.

Of course, that was assuming she was Midgardian. There were many species who appeared to be Midgardian, though biologically they were different. Usually, it was easy for Loki to sense if someone was Aesir, Midgardian, or otherwise; however, no indication that she was anything extraterrestrial revealed itself to him.

No, this woman must have been Midgardian. 

“That’s her?” Romanoff inquired, arching a perfectly groomed brow at Hill. 

“Wait wait wait , I thought she was the bad guy, but she’s killing the shadowy monsters here…” Wilson said, gawking at the screen. “Unless she’s really crazy and likes killing her own, this doesn’t make sense.”

“I’m telling you, if she’s the big bad and studied Emergency Medicine, she’s definitely got a screw loose,” Barnes said, “and that’s coming from the guy with a vibranium arm.”

“This incident was weeks ago - how is it that we are just now learning of her identity?” Rhodes interjected.

“She is not our enemy,” Agent Hill finally explained, raising her voice over the incessant chatter. “She has agreed to help the Avengers find the root cause of the shadow creature problem and exterminate the beasts.”

Stunned silence permeated the room. The ticking of the clock above Fury’s perpetual scowl only emphasized the blaring lack of sound. 

Loki could count on one hand the number of times he had ever witnessed total silence from the group; to see the group go from so animated to so silent nearly gave him whiplash.

“She’s joining the Avengers?” Stark’s disbelief was painted all over his face. “Emo queen Rapunzel is joining the Avengers?”

“Not exactly,” Agent Carter said, “She is coming on board specifically to help with the shadow creatures.”

“If she’s so powerful, why isn’t she already a part of the Avengers?” Banner asked, leaning in as he met Fury’s glare.

“This is a temporary arrangement.” Fury crossed his arms. “We struck a deal with her.”

“So she comes in and helps with the shadow creatures, and then what - she just disappears?” Captain Rogers pressed, “Don’t you think someone with expertise in shadow magic should be kept under close watch?”

“You’d be a fool to think she hasn’t been on SHIELD’s radar for a long time.” Fury crossed his arms and glowered at the group. “She turned down past offers to join the Avengers. Your mission is to convince her to stay.”

“Convince her to stay?” Romanoff shot Fury a wary glance, while others regarded the director as though he grew another head. 

“Assuming all goes well, we want her to remain on the team after the shadow creatures are eliminated,” Agent Hill explained. “She is highly adept in both physical and magical combat, and she has expertise in stealth operations. She fills in some key areas of the team that have been lacking, while her versatility allows her to fit into a variety of smaller teams with ease. However, we need you to convince her to stay.”

“Dr. Amaris cut her teeth in a different realm,” Fury added. “She has trained with threats far more powerful than what we have encountered here on earth, and fought to survive in far worse scenarios. Her experiences and insight would be invaluable in our operations.”

“Okay, but if you had to strike a deal with her, that still raises some questions…” Banner hesitated, raising an eyebrow at Fury. “It makes it sound like she wasn’t exactly keen to help protect the world.”

“Her skills are far too valuable to not be utilized.” Fury glared at Banner. “What I was going to say before someone interrupted my briefing is that she is also an incredibly powerful healer.“

“How do we know we can trust her?” Wilson asked. “I’m no wizard, but shadow magic sounds like trouble at best.”

Barton agreed. “Besides, Nat has us covered in stealth.”

“You know how to make a woman feel appreciated.” Romanoff coyly winked at Barton. 

While Loki wasn’t one to regularly agree with Wilson, for once he made a good point: this was something Loki was unfamiliar with, and at the very least it sounded dubious. 

“Because if I wanted to kill you, you would already be dead.”

Every head in the room snapped towards the entrance, eyes wider than dinner plates as they gawked at the source of the voice.

Leaning against the closed conference room door was the subject of their briefing. In real life, Theolene Amaris was smaller than Loki expected - not short by any means, as she appeared to be slightly taller than Maximoff and Romanoff; she was probably the average height for a Midgardian woman. However, she was lanky, with elongated limbs and a slight figure. She carried her head high with relaxed posture, one leg crossed in front of the other as she leaned on the doorframe with hands loosely tucked in her pockets. She didn’t seem to be intimidated by the strong personalities in front of her, even as she crashed their briefing.

Dr. Amaris sauntered into the room, eyes scanning over each of the Avengers with a smirk on her face. When she reached Loki she paused, quirking her head to the side as the curl of her lips increased. “Looks like one of us might need to change.”

At first, Loki was perplexed by her remark. Upon a second glance, it became obvious. They both wore almost identical outfits: black button-up shirts with the sleeves rolled to the elbows, tucked into tailored black trousers that showed a bit of ankle, and black Oxford shoes. 

He couldn’t help the snort that escaped him, a smile creeping across his own features as he allowed his shoulders to relax. 

It was unusual for someone to make him laugh, especially on a first encounter. And to shock the Avengers in such a way? Well, he certainly was intrigued.

“It seems we have similar tastes in apparel,” Loki commented coolly, wondering about the nature of her remark. 

Just then, Theo pulled a hand out of her pocket and snapped her fingers, instantly changing her outfit into a pair of ripped black jeans, a faded gray shirt emblazoned with some sort of sigil and the word “Queen,” and a pair of black sneakers. 

Loki could feel the magic pouring off of her - while she was no god, it was apparent to him that Fury wasn’t kidding when he said she was much more powerful than she let on.

“There, that’s better.” She dropped into the seat beside Loki, leaning back and kicking her feet up onto the table before sticking out one hand. “You must be Loki?”

“Indeed, and you must be Dr. Amaris.” Loki offered a wry grin, shaking her hand with a firm grip. “A fellow sorcerer, I see.”

“You could say that,” She winked, returning the gesture with a firm grip. “Call me Theo. Dr. Amaris is what my residents call me.”

From the opposite side of Theo, Thor beamed at the sight of his brother being surprisingly friendly to the Avengers’ newest addition. 

It took every ounce of self-restraint for Loki to prevent himself from rolling his eyes at his older brother. “Pleasure to meet you, Theo.” 

“Don’t get any funny ideas with Rapunzel here, Reindeer Games.” Stark warned, apparently having already settled on a nickname for the newest team member. 

Loki’s attention diverted to Stark, sending invisible daggers at the man. Even though they had come a long way from the distrust present when Loki first joined the team, there were certainly still moments where Stark got on his nerves.

This time it was Theo’s turn to snort. 

“Rapunzel? That’s the best nickname you’ve got, Tin Man?” Theo cocked one eyebrow at the billionaire as she laughed, brushing a piece of hair over her shoulder. “I may have long hair, but good luck with trying to lock me up in this tower.” 

“Watch out, or I might invent something so I can–”

“-- Then again, you named your AI system FRIDAY, so I shouldn’t be surprised,” She continued, unfazed by Stark’s threat. “Seriously, what the hell kind of name is that?”

“Says the person named Theolene...” 

“First of all, I just told you - I go by Theo, not Theolene. Second, I can’t help it that my mother has terrible taste in names. Third, Loki’s helmet has horns, not reindeer antlers. For a genius-billionaire-playboy-philanthropist , you should know the difference.” Theo turned to the other Avengers. “And while I’m correcting people, I don’t specialize in shadow magic. I specialize in celestial magic, of which shadow magic is a subset. Dr. Doom is a joke, HYDRA wishes they gave me these powers, and my refusal to become an Avenger has nothing to do with a lack of desire to protect people, it’s because I don’t want to spend my time playing superhero when I can be more useful as a doctor. Although whichever one of you suggested I had a screw loose - Bucky, I believe? - was probably right. At least, my cousin would agree with you. He’s pissed that I agreed to this.”

For the second time in mere minutes, the entirety of the Avengers were stunned into silence. If there were two words that best described the collective response, “utter bewilderment” would be Loki’s choice. 

“Wait a minute—“ Wilson blurted out, “How long have you been listening to our briefing? Have you been here this whole time?”

“Long enough to know you are just as skeptical of me as I am of you. It’s nothing personal, I know - I would be skeptical of me too! still, this has been enlightening.” Theo rose to her feet, gliding back to the entrance. She spun around, bowing with a dramatic flourish while flashing a cheshire grin at the crowd. “See you next Monday for your press conference!”

With a flick of her wrist, a series of black runes appeared all over her arms, flowing down her limbs like a stream of water. When they reached her fingertips, they rose into the air and evolved, surrounding her until she was obscured from view; in a flash of white, she disappeared, leaving nothing but a faint shimmer. The entire process took at most a few seconds, but the effect lingered far longer. 

It was a finale to the encounter that was almost as dramatic as her introduction.

If Loki’s instincts were correct, she was just getting started.

And that's alright (That's alright) I found a martyr in my bed tonight She stops my bones from wondering Just who I, who, I, who I am Oh, who am I? Mmm, mmm...

[fearowkenya]

Digimon Survive Week Day 1: A New World

Winds of Change - Chapter 7: Winds of Change - Part One

“Most everything we know about ourselves and our world—it tends to be based on gut instinct,” Dracmon continues with a huff. “Anything else is whatever partial information we’ve managed to glean and put together on our own. Sometimes it’s both, and sometimes the damn pieces are upside down or backwards.

“That sounds like…” Shuuji can’t even begin to wrap his mind around it. He supposes that’s exactly the problem. “…a very confusing way to live.”

“It’s all we really know,” says Dracmon plainly, “Bits and pieces, scattered between memory and instinct. But even though I don’t know what goes where or which way’s up, I’ve still got a bit of a sense of what it’s all supposed to look like, somehow.”

Desperate to not be left in the dark, Shuuji seeks answers. But those answers only raise more questions, and it turns out that there's so much about this world that he does not understand—far more than he could have ever possibly imagined.

@surviveweek WOW DIGISURVIVE WEEK!!! it's my first time participating. it felt a little like... cheating, maybe, to post a chapter of a fic i was already working on, but it turns out the prompt for day 1 fit this chapter pretty well.

as usual, link is in the source so that tumblr doesnt kick me from the tags, and extended post-chapter notes are under the cut!!!

part of me is really glad i split this chapter in half. like i said, the original edit would have been close to 10k words, and there are so many ups and downs in the combined chapter that i was giving myself whiplash rereading it. the good news is, the second part is already mostly edited, and with it being survive week, i am going to try my best to accelerate the rest of the editing and get at least chapter 8 out this week.

i got really lucky that today's theme for survive week matched up with today's chapter. i was really struggling with how to interpret "a new world", because that's the entire game, isn't it? how was i going to choose just 1 thing about this new world to talk about? ultimately, the way i interpreted the prompt was in the realization that shuuji has, that this world is confusing not just for himself, but for the creatures that call it home. from the way dracmon describes it, it's just as harsh and dangerous to the kemonogami as it is to the humans.

on the topic of dracmon--he's my favorite to write. back when i was outlining this fic, it was already solidly in place that dracmon would be doing a lot of heavy-lifting in terms of lore. why dracmon? i'll keep that to myself for now. all in good time (:

i had such a fantastic time writing shuuji and dracmon interacting. on one hand, he's good at recognizing shuuji's sudden bursts of anxiety - kaito's anxiety manifests in a way that is much more explosive and angry than shuuji's, but it's still a powerful emotion that he's dealt with before. that said, obviously the way dracmon navigates kaito's emotions is not going to fit shuuji, and it was fun writing dracmon trying to get a feel for what kind of response does or does not work for him.

i also think lopmon would be SOOOOO INTERESTING as kaito's partner. you've got this timid little guy who is SO completely different from kaito, but would be able to tell that there's a gentle side to him that's buried super deep down. kaito would absolutely frighten him with his outbursts, though, and i wonder if seeing the direct consequences of his anger would help him understand its full impact. on a more cheerful note, i think kaito would not know what to do when lopmon says saccharine, kind things about him that are undeniably true, and i think that this would be very cute!!! it's almost as confrontational as the way dracmon interacts with kaito - lopmon wouldn't be snarky or bluntly honest with kaito the way dracmon is, but i think the sweet, innocent flavor of honesty that lopmon would use instead would hit him just as hard. much to think about.

this is going to be a much shorter extended authors notes this time, because the bulk of what i have to say is about lore stuff, and the rest of that is in part 2.

my answers for reader questions!

do you think dracmon is the most knowledgeable of the main digis about how the kemonogami world works?

as i mentioned on ao3, my answer is no, but i won't say why. however! i CAN say that i think the kind of knowledge varies super widely from digi to digi. dracmon may know a lot about what happens when digimon get destroyed, but i dont think he's got the more, social, i guess??? knowledge that agumon has, where he seems really familiar so many other digimon, knowing them by name despite never having met them before.

what do you think the superpower pineapple tastes like?

i think it never tastes the same! one could be sweet and another could be salty, but it's always really good. the texture is like chewing on drywall though.

thanks for reading!! hopefully i'll have part 2 up in the next few days. i'll have to check the prompt list for survive week to see if anything fits… if not.. well, since it's mostly edited, i'll try to get it posted early anyway.

[surr3al1sm]

MLYiD scheduling!

Two posts about MLYiD in one day, what am I? It's author or something? Anyways, I have a little question to ask you guys. You see, no matter how much I LOVE writing 10k+ word chapters for you guys, these coming months it's just not going to be a realistic goal anymore. It's going to be the busiest time of the year at the themepark I work at, which means I'm going to have to work a lot and till very late. Meaning I physically will not have enough free time to write such long chapters (nor will I have the energy to). So I have two options for you to pick from. I could: A. Write shorter chapters (like 4-6k or something) and try my absolute hardest to keep posting weekly. Which basically means I will be splitting the chapters I write now in half, or three ways if necessary, not that you're going to get less content. Just more chapters. Although I cannot guarantee that this will be on Saturdays like it is now, and I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to make it every week. You guys will be updated if I don't. B. Continue to write the long of chapters like I do now, but they are going to be way more spread out. Like I'm going to be posting one every 2/3 weeks instead of every week. Also with this I can't even guarantee I'll make it to current MLYiD levels, but I'll try my best.

Vote for which option you'd prefer please! It would really help me decide on what to do.

I really don't think this matters to you guys as much as it does to me, but I'm someone who very much likes to keep a tight mental schedule and who very much likes to stick to that schedule. I would love nothing more than to keep writing as is, but that's just not even remotely possible for me right now due to work. Hopefully this should only apply to July and August though. This also applies to chapter 10, but I honestly already decided to make it shorter so I can give you all a chapter this week.

[paperhats-and-evil-schemes]

Alright fellas, I have a question, but it requires a touch of context. So, for the White Hat fic, I think it's getting to a point where it's (finally!!!) almost ready to start getting posted. Back before I went MIA, I was originally planning to completely finish it, then post it all at once as a kind of "rip the band-aid off" situation given how severely heavy this fic's content is. (Though split into three chapters for easier digestion.) As most of you know from my last "update" post, however, my motivation does not come easily these days, so I'm thinking it'll be better to just post it chapter by chapter, since it would take me ages to get any content out otherwise, and I figure it'll be better to just get it started rather than leave people hanging so much longer. My thing is, this fic is very long, like almost 100k words long. With the original 3-chapter plan, that'd be looking at 30-40k words a chapter, which is still quite a lot to slog through all at once. So I was thinking of instead maybe cutting the originally-planned chapters in half to make it 6 chapters long, or going with 10 chapters to make it more of an even (approximate) 10k for each update. This would mean quicker updates, as it wouldn't be as much for me to write at a time, but it also means being left with more "cliffhangers", so to speak, which might be pretty unpleasant given the content matter. With that long preamble out of the way, my question is this:

[starlit-dreaming]

when honestly you can’t recall (Baxter Ward/MC) p3

Rating: M

Romantic Ships: Baxter Ward/Original Character(s); Derek Suárez/Leandra “Lee” Last

Platonic Ships: Main Character | Jamie Last & Leandra “Lee” Last, Main Character | Jamie Last & Original Character(s)

Tags: Unplanned Pregnancy, Single Parent, Angst w/a Happy Ending

TL;DR: A self-indulgent Single Parent AU. Lee has a better relationship with my MC compared to Liz. I wrote this when the Baxter DLC was still in beta, so I opted to avoid writing spoilers (for now) and to avoid rewriting moments of the Jude/Scott wedding.

A/N: Cross-Posted on AO3 under the same title (@ Starlit_Dreaming). Originally this chapter was ~8k words, but I decided to split it when I ended up turning it ~10k when I was editing and kept on adding more and more to some of the scenes. I literally spent several hours just "editing" this chapter so it's a good thing I chopped it in half to save the rest for another day for editing rip

Obligatory Tag: @arcosoffireheart

Links: 1 | 2 | [3] | 4

Summary:

Everyone assumes that Gabby is exactly like her mother, but Rosaline will always see the traces of her daughter’s father. The shape of her eyes, how fussy she gets if there’s even a hint of conflict, every moment her daughter is calm and serene in her arms, the sweet and gentle smiles. 

Her daughter does not have her black hair, either. Wavy hair, yes, but it was not fully black and her father has only ever dyed his hair.

It’s a miracle that nobody notices their similarities.

Including Baxter himself.

// In which Rosaline ends up becoming a single mother in the aftermath of her and Baxter’s summer fling. Some things change. Some things don’t.

——————————————————————

Part 3: just standing by blankly

——————————————————————

~1 Year Ago

Beginning of Summer

In-Between Steps 3 & 4: Age 22

———————————

“It’s just a dance,” she laughs as Cove starts to cry.

They’re in the living room, practicing their dancing — or rather, Rosaline was trying to teach Gabrielle how to dance, and Cove was watching. She was crouched on the carpet flooring, gently holding Gabrielle’s arms up to mimic a simple dance, guiding her daughter into a swaying motion as she giggled with glee.

Cove was sitting on the L-shaped sofa, recording everything with Rosaline’s phone as he observed their dancing. He’s taken to being a very doting uncle, diligently taking videos and pictures and crying over her daughter.

“Yeah, I know,” he sniffed, watching them with watery eyes and a shaky smile. “It’s just that… she’s just so cute! You even made her a cute poofy little dress, and it’ll be the first wedding she attends.”

“Cove, I literally made all of her clothes. This isn’t the first time I made her dress, and I’m sure our friends are going to get married sooner or later,” Rosaline laughed, shaking her head in amusement. “You know this. And she’s also the flower girl for Jude and Scott’s wedding, too.”

“I know, but still,” he sighed wistfully. “Why does she have to grow up so fast?”

She snorted, “Guess we know how our parents felt, huh?”

“It’s also hard since Gabby looks so much like you when we were kids,” Cove sniffed.

Gabrielle perked up at the mention of her name, looking over to Cove before she gasped and started wiggling out of Rosaline’s hold. Once she was freed, she approached Cove with a rather determined look for a toddler as she promptly patted his leg with a bit of a smack, making him twitch with a subtle wince.

Ah yes, the joys of toddlers going the extra mile.

“It’ll be okay, Coco!” Gabrielle exclaimed with determination, looking incredibly pumped up and sounding so much like Lee does when she’s trying to reassure Cove with endless patience and positivity. “Pain, pain, go away!”

“Oh my god!” Cove seemed absolutely delighted by this turn of events and possibly even more teary-eyed. “That’s so cute, Rosa…” he murmured, glancing at her before focusing back to the toddler. “I’m okay, Gabby.”

“But Coco is crying!” she frowned, looking up at him with a pout.

“Don’t worry, Brielle,” Rosaline laughed, walking over to sit down beside Cove and promptly scooping up her toddler. “Cove cries happy tears.”

“Happy crying?” her daughter tilted her head, purple eyes wide and curious. It’s easy most days, seeing her daughter and not seeing bits and pieces of Baxter so blatantly. Cove often says that she looks more like Rosaline anyway, but Rosa thinks that he’s just being biased for not really caring much for Baxter to begin with.

“Mhmm. Cove cries a lot,” she says, and Gabrielle nods in agreement. “People cry when they’re sad, but Cove cries when he’s happy, too.”

“Does mama cry happy?” Brielle tilted her head, eyes wide as if it were a groundbreaking revelation.

“No, mama doesn’t,” she smiled. “Mama only cries when she’s sad.”

“Mmm… it’s okay, mama,” Gabrielle nodded. “I’ll make pain go away!”

“Aw, thank you, Brielle,” Rosaline softly smiled. “I love you.”

“I love you, mommy!” she chirped.

———————————

Two Months Ago

Beginning of Summer

Step 4: Age 23

———————————

“I love you, mommy,” she sleepily chirped.

“I love you, too, Brielle,” Rosaline softly whispered, pressing a kiss to her daughter’s forehead as she pulled the seatbelt for her daughter. “And just like that, she’s already out,” she couldn’t help but feel calmer now, before closing the car door and moving to sit in the passenger seat. “Alright, space cadet, time to go home.”

“…are you sure you want to leave?” Cove asked, his brows knitted in worry as he looked at her. “I don’t mind waiting here for a bit.”

“…why would I want to stay?” Rosaline asked, closing her eyes as she relaxes into the seat. “The wedding’s pretty much done now, and everyone who’s still inside is just eating and drinking at this point. Lee and Derek already left for the honeymoon, and Brielle’s pretty tired.”

“Gabby interrupted you,” Cove murmured, sounding incredibly hesitant and unsure. “I thought that you still needed to talk to Baxter…?”

Of course Cove, out of everyone, noticed what had happened, that she was literally just finishing up a dance with the man in question. Still, the thought of him made her… well, she doesn’t quite know what to think of him right now. Thinking about him was starting to be too much of a common occurrence, but hopefully that all ends now that the wedding’s over.

If he were to need a dress designer for his clients, he wouldn’t need to talk to her again. There were other dressmakers Velvet Design Studios, and their sister buildings, Suitable Lenders and Lacework Lenders, were other viable options for renting dresses.

Rosaline crossed her arms, looking out the window to the sunset skies. For years, she’s been hung up over Baxter, and no matter what, it’s been the same thing over and over again.

She tries, he shuts her out, she gets hurt, and it repeats.

Again. And. Again.

“…”

“Rosa?”

“No. I’m… I’m tired.”

———————————

Several Months Ago

Beginning of Autumn

In-Between Steps 3 & 4: Age 22

———————————

“No, I’m… just tired.”

While it was true, she was actually exhausted for reasons unrelated to work (unless Baxter counted). She doesn’t feel inclined to correct that, though.

“Mmk, well, try to take it easy, Rosa,” Sonya said, peering at her with a concerned look. “I know you have a lot of work on your hands, and that you’re more than capable of handling it yourself, but don’t hesitate to ask for help.”

Sonya Chastain was Carol Amparo’s granddaughter and one of the few full-timers who was Rosaline’s age — most of their co-workers were usually in their mid-twenties at the earliest, thirties at the latest. She was a rather cheerful person with bright brown eyes and short blonde hair, with a bright smile that puts Cove at ease out of all her coworkers. It helps that she has a rather relaxed attitude in her interactions with everyone, which often puts high-strung clients at ease whenever she handles their fittings.

(Truthfully, Rosa was trying to hook her up with Cove in bits and pieces. Cove did think Sonya was cute, after all, and Sonya has had a major crush on him since the day they first met. Granted, she claimed it would pass, but it’s been a few years now.)

Her specialty mostly lay in beadwork than dressmaking, but she could at least do some basics and was much more adept with handling customers. Much better at it than Rosaline was.

Or at least, Rosa and Cass often pushed the customer service duties onto Sonya, since she was the youngest in their building.

The phone rings.

“Velvet Design Studio, otherwise known as Corsage Designs, Sonya Chastain speaking. How may I help you?” Sonya answered the phone with a fake smile, slipping right into character as she pulled up her tablet, bringing up the shared calendar. “Hello, Mr Ward.”

Rosaline froze, purple eyes immediately snapping over to her co-worker.

“Yes, Mrs Carol Amparo informed me that you were hoping to shadow one of our designers to learn more about our studio in hopes to be able to better offer our services to your clients.”

“What?” Rosaline hissed, earning Sonya’s confused glance. “Since when did Carol tell you that?”

“This morning,” Sonya whispered, hand covering the phone briefly before she continued to speak to Baxter and proceeded to blatantly lie because she did not plan on making any phone calls: “Yes, I was just about to call you myself to confirm a day. Will this Friday be convenient for you, Mr Ward? Lovely. You’ll be following one of our lead designers in bridal wear, Rosaline Winters.”

“Excuse me?”

“Sorry Rosa, you technically have the least workload scheduled this week since you’re focusing on a few personal projects,” Sonya whispered, looking apologetic at Rosa as she covered the phone for a brief moment before assuming her customer service smile as she refocused on the phone call. “Unfortunately, our lead suit designer, Cass Gardner, is busy at this moment in time—”

“—and I’m not?” Rosaline dryly grumbled.

“—but thankfully, Ms Winters will be able to walk you through the process of our work without an issue. Mhmm. Yes, our building is located right behind Lacework and Suitable Lenders, but if you’d like, just give us a call and Rosaline will be out to meet you.”

“I don’t appreciate how ready you are to volunteer me like this,” Rosaline muttered, pinching the bridge of her nose.

“See you on Friday, Mr Ward!” Sonya ended the call and promptly slumped in her seat. “What’s got you so snappy, Rosa? You normally give people a walkthrough of the place,” she raised a brow. “I get that you’ve been tired lately, but it’s not like we’re pulling emergency all-nighters at the moment… plus, you love to show people around.”

“It’s worse than an all-nighter this time because Baxter’s my ex,” Rosaline groaned. “And you’re literally having me spend a day with him.”

“Oh…” she winced, opening up a calendar on her screen, typing in Baxter’s appointment. “Bad breakup, huh?”

“He didn’t think we would work out long-distance, so he dumped me,” Rosaline grimaced. “Suitor for the summer, he said.”

“Yikes,” Sonya cringed, slowly starting to organize the papers on her desk as she tried to smile. “At least you’ll only have to see him for only a day…?”

“Unfortunately no. He’s also Lee’s wedding planner, so I’m practically seeing him at least once a month if not twice a week because I’m her maid of honour and dress designer, so we’ll be in regular contact. Plus, he wanted to keep tabs on the dress progress — first time having a bride custom order a dress, so he wanted to know a little more.”

“For real?” Sonya looked taken aback at that, pausing in her organizing to look incredulously at her. “But Lee outright adores you, Rosa. Why would she deliberately put you into an awkward situation with your ex?”

“Derek was the one to set the meeting up, and Lee is super worried for me, but Baxter’s one of the best planners I know. It made sense that he became a wedding planner, and I knew that he’d go out of his way to make sure things go as perfectly and smoothly as possible. I told her to work with him, but I also didn’t really…”

“You didn’t really… what?” Sonya prompted.

“…I didn’t really think he would stay. When he figured out that it was Lee’s wedding, and that I’d be there, I just… I know him, y’know?”

“Huh? What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I… thought he’d leave again.”

———————————

Two Weeks Ago

End of Summer

Step 4: Age 23

———————————

“I thought he would leave again.”

And all of a sudden, under the sunset sky, staring off into the horizon, it felt almost as if they were 18 again in the midst of summer. Lee could remember it easily — the way Rosa shed her mask and displayed her feelings out in the open for Lee, the way Lee reassured her, and the way things ended in the aftermath of it all. It felt so stupid, really, the way things felt as if it were just repeating in different sequences of events.

Before, Lee would’ve reassured her. She would’ve told Rosa that Baxter loves her just as much as she loves him. That he wouldn’t dump her unless he had a good reason to. But he did, he did, and he said he wouldn’t be back.

She wasn’t going to lie to Rosa. It didn’t matter if she sincerely believed in them back then, because Baxter leaving had shattered Rosaline.

And Lee would never forget the guilt she felt when Rosa called her, crying.

“Well… he hasn’t exactly given you a reason to think that he would stay,” Lee murmured, trying to sound casual only to wince at how bitter it came out instead.

Liz, Aunt Pam, and Auntie Lani all thought that Rosa never even dated the guy and were surprised when it was mentioned in passing. And still, they believed that Rosa took the breakup in stride because she never cried to them and never acted differently, so they were fairly accepting when he said he was sticking around after her wedding. Rosaline was hurt, but she understood that he didn’t want a long-term relationship when they ended things back then.

Lee told him to treat Rosa better than he did before, and honestly, she wants to scream countless obscenities at him. She wanted to get angry at him, to shout and scream and tell him off for daring to break her cousin’s heart. Hell, if Rosa hadn’t said anything, she would’ve dropped his ass and hired another planner. Derek had even asked her if she was sure about keeping the guy as their planner! And yet Rosa had smiled so serenely and kindly, and had reassured Lee that Baxter was trustworthy when it came to planning. How could she say no to her cousin, even if Lee was infuriated with the man?

But Lee shouldn’t lose her temper just like that, otherwise she would end up revealing all the painful details that she’s meticulously kept close to heart, everything that Rosaline had wanted to keep quiet about. Her feelings, the nights she spent crying alone, the way her heart shattered. No matter what, Lee refused to hurt Rosaline in such a way.

(And, if she dropped Baxter as a planner, Rosa would’ve been even more worried and stressed about the wedding, and despite her feelings on the matter, Rosa was significantly calmer and happier with Baxter on board.)

And, the worst thing about saying all the thoughts in her head, however, is that hurting him with words or a slap would hurt Rosa, too.

Why does her cousin have to love a guy like that?

“Yeah… that’s true.”

Lee walked over, standing beside Rosaline. She wondered what she was thinking so intently about, standing there on the sand. Naturally, it was about Baxter, a thought that made Lee purse her lips as if she had just tasted something sour.

Loosening her expression, she glanced over to Rosa before scooting over, bumping her shoulder lightly.

“What’s on your mind?”

“I’m absolutely hopeless, Lee.”

It didn’t alarm her — Rosa’s self-esteem did take a hit when she got dumped by the person in question, but it wasn’t a self-deprecating statement like before. In fact, she sounded amused more than anything.

“Hey, that’s my darling cousin you’re talking about here,” Lee said in a teasing tone, impishly poking her shoulder. “You better not badmouth her in front of me like that, or we’ll be having problems here.”

“I think you’re gonna have a problem with what I have to say, anyway,” Rosa snorted.

“You mean you’re finally going to talk about your desk at work? About time. It’s covered in fabrics and lace, Rosa. I think you should stick to dressing up people and not desks.”

Rosaline barked out a laugh. “You sound like Cass,” she shook her head.

“Yeah, and it made you smile,” Lee grinned.

“Thanks, I really needed that,” Rosa bumped her shoulder against Lee’s, a small smile remaining as she turned to look at her. “Thank you for always being there for me.”

“Of course,” Lee softened, reaching to hold her hand. “I’m always here for you… even if I think you’re making a big mistake.”

“I never stopped loving him, and I’ve tried. You know that better than anyone. I tried so hard to stop loving him, but loving him is as easy as breathing,” Rosaline sighed, tearing up as she looked at Lee with unsure eyes. “You said it before. He loves me as much as I love him. And… I know that it’s true, even if he tried so hard to keep me at a distance.”

And clearly, Lee made a mistake when she said that. If Baxter loved Rosa, then he should’ve said something by now. Especially when they have a kid together.

“Will you… forgive me? For getting back together with him?”

“You never have to apologize to me. It’s your decision on what to do,” Lee wryly smiled, reaching up to wipe away Rosa’s tears. “You can’t help who you love, but… I just don’t want you to get hurt again. I don’t want you to cry because of him, you know? I’ll always be here for you, but I won’t hold back if you call me crying in the dead of night again. I really will end up fighting him, even if he helped me plan the perfect wedding.”

“Yeah…” she whispered, crying as she smiled at Lee. “Thank you for accepting it. For being here when I need you, from when we were kids to even now. You’re my best friend and…” she shakes her head, not wanting to voice the thought out loud. Lee was the sister that she wishes she had, but she does love Liz, and Liz has always been her sister.

“I am pretty great,” Lee smiled softly, squeezing Rosa’s hands, understanding. “Promise me you’ll be careful,” she said, knowing that she can’t convince her otherwise. “Don’t let him break your heart again. Promise?”

“I promise.”

———————————

Two Days Ago

End of Summer

Step 4: Age 23

———————————

“I promise.”

“And you’re sure…?” Rosaline softly asked, holding his hands as she looked up into his brown eyes. “I don’t want casual relationships, so I’m fine with us just staying friends if that’s not for you. What I want is a relationship with marriage in mind.”

“I don’t plan on leaving,” Baxter firmly stated, expression serious as he looked at her with soft eyes. “I understand your hesitation, and for that, I don’t blame you. I truly love you, Rosaline. I’ve loved you since the summer we dated, and even when we broke up, I still loved you, and when you entered my life again, I realized that I have never stopped loving you.”

She stared at him, eyes watering before she threw her arms around him, hugging him tight with tears in her eyes.

“I love you, Rosaline,” Baxter softly says, holding her tight. “And… I would want nothing more than to be a part of our daughter’s life. If you’ll have me.”

“Really…?” Rosalina whispered, voice wobbling.

She feels him nod, “I know that it’ll take a long time to earn your trust again, especially after what happened. I’m here to stay. I swear it.”

“Can you… say it again?”

“I’m here to stay.”

———————————

Two Months Ago

Beginning of Summer

Step 4: Age 23

———————————

“I’m… here to stay.”

Rosaline pauses in the middle of her work, hovering over the half-finished dress for her daughter. It was another cute floral dress made for Jude and Scott’s wedding this time. She just needed to add more flowers to it.

“Are you?” her eyes flicker to Baxter for a brief second before refocusing on her work. “Whatever happened to this just being a professional arrangement? A done deal, where we both do our own things?”

“…despite claiming as such, and saying that we would go our separate ways after Lee’s wedding, I… never actually thought of it.”

“…okay.”

“Okay?” he repeats, and Rosaline could so easily picture the way his eyes would brighten up. She hates that she knows him so well, and that she can’t just be happy with this.

“What about Brielle?”

And it’s the silence that makes Rosaline’s heart clench.

Because Baxter is speechless. As if he doesn’t know what to say about their daughter.

She bites the bottom of her lips, feeling him stare at her from behind. What did he think was going to happen? She’s been letting him interact with Gabrielle in bits and pieces, getting him to, at the very least, be open to being in their daughter’s life.

Their interactions at Lee’s wedding were her own selfish wishes, but her daughter will always be her first choice.

“If you’re going to be in my life again,” Rosaline said, as if this were obvious. “Then you’re going to end up having some kind of relation with Brielle beyond just being a grown-up that we interact with as if we’re just an acquaintance. I want to establish what to expect.”

“Ah… I see,” Baxter simply says, more to himself than anything. “Your daughter should naturally come first, so I feel that there shouldn’t be any issues with that. I don’t necessarily think I could be considered family to her, perhaps just a family friend. If something were to happen to her while you’re hanging out with me, I’d fully understand that you would prioritize your daughter’s well-being and safety.”

She lets him stew over the thoughts, but she can’t help but feel heartbroken.

Your daughter, he says.

It was enough of an answer for her.

He doesn’t want to acknowledge Gabrielle as his daughter.

“Okay,” Rosaline shakily sighed, staring at the little half-finished purple dress in front of her sadly. “That’s fine.”

“Hmm?”

“Not everyone wants to be parents, so I understand,” Rosaline murmured, managing to mask her feelings as she turned, smiling at him. “Would you… prefer that I keep it a secret from her? Until she gets older?”

“I beg your pardon?” Baxter blinked, confused.

Rosaline frowned.

Or maybe Baxter just didn’t know?

“Baxter… who do you think is Gabrielle’s father?”

“I… was under the impression that Cove was Gabrielle’s father.”

“You… thought Cove was the father?”

———————————

Then

Mid-Spring

In-Between Steps 3 & 4: Age 19

———————————

“You thought Cove was the father?”

Rosaline, for the most part, looked incredibly unamused as she rubbed her swollen stomach. Cove looked flabbergasted at Derek, as if he had just said the strangest thing he’s ever heard. Lee, being one of the very few who knew the father’s identity and knew that Cove was part of the family, had burst out into a fit of laughter.

“If Cove was the father, he would’ve gone with me to all of my ultrasound appointments, and I would’ve scheduled them for a day when he could actually come with me, even if the thought of it made him nauseous,” Rosaline pointed out, rolling her eyes. “But I guess that’s a fair assumption.”

“What?!” Cove finally exclaimed, his delayed response finally kicking in and looking downright startled and horrified. “Rosa’s my sister!”

“I get that now,” Derek sheepishly laughed, rubbing the back of his neck. “It’s just that — think about it. Rosa only ever talks about you when it comes to the guys in her life. She’s pregnant, and now you’re moving in with her and helping with the baby whenever they get here.”

“I… I guess?” Cove frowned, brows knitted as he thought it over, paling at the thought. “Oh god… do other people think that I’m the father? Do my parents think I’m the father?!” he whips his head around to look at Rosaline with panicked eyes. “Do your moms think I am?!”

Lee, unhelpfully, is dying with laughter.

“No, none of them think that,” Rosaline explained, trying so hard to retain the semblance of patience she’s developed since childhood. Pregnancy hormones, however, were no joke, with how irritated she was starting to get even if Cove’s concerns were valid. “I told my moms that it was a one-time thing, and that I wanted to keep them when I found out. Also, they asked me if their dad was going to be involved, which, obviously, he’s not.”

Derek rubbed Lee’s back as she slowly started recovering from her giggling, her cheeks red from laughing so much and eyes shining with amusement.

“Dad One was happy for me, and he didn’t ask me about the father, but I’m pretty sure my moms already told him by now. Otherwise, he would’ve asked us about what’s going on with us moving in together with a kid on the way. Mom Three was pretty excited about being a grandma, and she already knew that you couldn’t have been the father, because otherwise you would’ve been there with me when I told her.”

Cove relaxed significantly after hearing that, placing a hand over his chest.

“Dad Two and Mom Four,” she continues, giving Derek a look, raising a brow as he smiled sheepishly. “Didn’t think Cove was the father, and were happy that I wanted to name my daughter after Gregorio. Although Nico asked, because he was just being curious in all honesty and since I was literally naming her after Dad Two, if you or Cove were the donor, which Mama Four was horrified about because it was possible, and she probably would’ve gone into a panicked frenzy even more thinking that she got a grandchild with your blood before you even got married, but I reassured them that no, it was just an ex-boyfriend.”

“Well, at least he’s less of a menace than when we were kids,” Derek snorts, shoulders relaxing from the knowledge that his parents knew the truth.

“I think Terry was the only one who asked if my daughter was yours, Cove,” Rosaline said thoughtfully. “But Terry was also the one to ask me a lot of questions about potential fathers. Liz and Miranda have never asked, but they both have this look like they might know who it is.”

“I’m glad that was cleared up, then,” Cove sighed, rubbing the back of his neck rather awkwardly. “Not that you’re not an amazing person Rosa, but…”

“Yeah, I get it, Cove,” she nodded, sharing an understanding look with the man in question. “It’s weird.”

“So uh… are you…?” Derek trailed off.

“Hmm?” Rosa looked over to him.

“Did you… ever tell the father?”

———————————

Then

Mid-Autumn

In-Between Steps 3 & 4: Age 18

———————————

“Will you ever tell the father…?”

Rosaline shook her head, looking at the vase of flowers on the table than at either of her moms. Lee is sitting beside her, holding her hand. She dreaded the question, she expected it, but the thought of Baxter had left her heart aching.

And… she still never really mentioned much of Baxter to either of her moms. All she ever told them was that he left, and they knew that she had wanted to keep in touch with him.

“Is he out of the picture?” Noelani asked, concern on her face.

She tried to contact him, but it’s rather pointless to when he won’t answer phone calls or text messages. None of it mentioned her pregnancy yet, but once she got the ultrasound, she planned on telling him that she was going to keep the child. If he still didn’t want to be in their child’s life, she’ll take his silence as enough of an answer anyway.

“…Yeah. It was a one-time thing, and he isn’t answering my calls or responding to my texts since we broke up. I’m the one who wants to have this child, and he’s going to be against it, anyway. I… don’t plan on getting him involved if he doesn’t want to be.”

Both of her moms shared a worried look with each other, an unspoken conversation happened between them. Pamela frowned, Noelani still looked concerned.

“It’s… a pretty big responsibility, Rosaline,” Pamela stated, looking at her. “Having a kid is wonderful, but it can be hard at times, especially when you’re still so young. This isn’t like having a pet, and there will be times when you have to put that child’s needs above your own.”

“I know,” Rosaline softly said, nodding. “I know it’ll be hard, but I want to keep them.”

“Well… we do know someone you could talk to,” Noelani said, thinking it over. “Your… your mother — your birth mother,” she clarified. Rosalina blinked, looking at her with clear confusion. “She had a friend before she passed away.”

Rosaline wasn’t ever interested in knowing more about her birth family. Not when she was a teenager and Liz had thrown a fit, and not even now. However, it was more for the sake of medical records that she should know, and when she entered high school and her parents talked to her about her birth family.

Not that there wasn’t really much to know. Her birth mother was an orphan, her birth father wasn’t in the picture, he knew, but wanted no involvement and had even signed away parental rights.

“While Cliff and Kyra would be able to provide insight on what it’s like to raise a child on their own, they did co-parent Cove,” Pamela said in agreement, thinking it over. “Mrs Amparo has regularly helped single parents get back on their feet or assisting single mothers who are on their own with no one to support them.”

“We will love and support you, of course,” Noelani assured, smiling softly as she reached over for Rosaline’s free hand. “But having a child can be difficult, and we want to make sure that you don’t feel alone in this.”

“Of course, we’ll help you whenever we can,” Pamela nodded in agreement. “I just want you to be certain. Are you absolutely sure that this is something you want?”

“I’m sure,” Rosaline murmured, blinking away the tears.

———————————

Then

Mid-Spring

In-Between Steps 3 & 4: Age 19

———————————

“I’m sure,” Rosaline reluctantly stated, trying not to let it get to her.

“And he really hasn’t answered back?” Lee pursed her lips, looking almost as if she had just tasted something sour.

“Yeah. I texted him, saying that I needed to talk to him about something important,” she shifted in her seat uncomfortably. “I did leave a voicemail saying that I was pregnant, but… still he didn’t say anything back.”

“I’m sorry, Rosa,” Cove frowned, wrapping his arm around Rosaline as he rubbed her back in a comforting way. She sighed, shoulders relaxing as she wryly smiled. Lee reached for her hands, holding it tight.

“Don’t be,” Rosaline shook her head, eyes softening as she stared at her phone wistfully. “Not everyone wants to stay together,” she smiles, almost weakly as she holds their intertwined hands up, “And… not everyone’s willing to take care of a kid with someone.”

“Well, you don’t have to worry about doing this alone,” Lee softly stated.

Cove nodded, “We’ll both help you out as much as we can.”

“You guys are the best,” Rosaline smiled.

[walkingstackofbooks]

What's the ideal length of a fanfic chapter?

I am at least a few weeks out from finishing my fic, but I'm just thinking ahead to how I want to put it up

It's a 5+1 fic, so has automatically got 6 chapters. (Julian is stuck for six consecutive days in a timeloop.) Originally, I was just going to post 1 chapter every week as I edited it, but while Chapter 1 is a friendly 3,500 words, Chapters 2 and 3 are both just over the 10,000 word mark, and I'm only halfway through Chapter 4 but it's shaping up to be at least 15,000, somehow!

So my options are:

The Original Plan

I aim to publish one 10k+ word chapter each week.

Pros: It's as intended, each "day" of the story happens in full, within its own chapter. Good if you like long updates?

Cons: Since I don't *actually* know how long editing will take, I might not be able to keep to a weekly schedule and timings may vary. Pretty lengthy chapters.

Plan 2:

I cut each of the original chapters in half for publishing, and either:

2a - I aim to publish two 5k+ word chapters each week.

Pros: It's still mostly as intended, each "day" gets published in full, just in two parts. Shorter chapters

Cons: Timings may vary again, since it's a lot to edit in a week. The story is split up slightly arbitrarily.

2b - I publish one 5k+ word chapter each week (cutting the original chapters in half)

Pros: I should be able to stick to the weekly schedule for sure. Shorter chapters

Cons: Each "day" of the story is cut in half, probably at a somewhat arbitrary point. 1/2 of Chapter 4 is still going to be 7-9k in length 😅

Plan 3

I publish one or two 3-6k word chapters each week. I'd think of the story as one long tale rather than as The Six Days and split up the current chapters into smaller ones at places I feel are suitable.

Pros: Shorter, more even, chapters. Better pacing Being able to stick to a weekly schedule (and possibly an extra chapter every so often)

Cons: Completely abandoning the 5+1 structure Story won't be told as intended

[forest-hashira]

hi fallon! just checking in to see how your week has been? anything fun going on? c:

hi bloomy!!!

my week has been pretty good so far actually! my family & i saw the lion king musical on sunday (i cried during the circle of life i can't lie), and i just got home a few minutes ago from seeing a quiet place: day one with my baby brother (bawled my eyes out, one of my fav franchises)! i'm gonna see if i can squeeze in an episode of aot before my weekly phone call with my best friend from high school teehee. oh AND i surpassed 10k words on the next chapter of my jjk dragon rider au fic, which means i'm gonna wind up splitting it into two chapters, but!!! i've written almost all of those words in the last week and a half/two weeks! i'm very tired too but that's normal for me lol. ty for asking!! how are you doing this week? kissing ur forehead 💜

[walkawaytall]

For the fic ask game:

16. Is there a commonly held misconception about one of your stories that you’d like to correct for the masses? (I know of one and thought you might want an excuse to say it. 😎)

17. What does your editing process look like?

16. So, I think I actually may have touched on this answering number 20 (at least if I'm thinking of the same conversation that you are about Han's motivations in Purpose of Heritage thus far)? And, aside from that, I don't think there have been many widely-held misconceptions -- though there have definitely been different responses to certain things than I expected (like, more than one person saw Reconstitution as a bit of a downer and that was...the exact opposite of my intent with that story...but we all bring our own experiences to the stories we read, so I'm not going to say their reading is wrong per se, just that I intended for the ending of that rather melancholy fic to have a hopeful slant to it, even in the midst of life's imperfections).

Oh! Actually, I though of another one: there are moments in Purpose of Heritage specifically where Leia's straight-up wrong. Like, she is our heroine, our main character, our beloved space princes, but she's also 19/20/21 years old and traumatized and very specifically not dealing with said trauma in healthy ways at least 50% of the time (her eschewing therapy repeatedly is not supposed to be viewed as a super-great alternative to, you know, going to therapy), and there have been moments that people have clocked as Leia being a badass -- and they aren't wrong -- but I also see them as Leia's cool, together facade cracking in a way that isn't good technically.

Like, we love Leia, so the scene at the shooting range where she uses Varner Coy's blaster to shoot a line of bullseyes does feel badass and empowering and a little cathartic because that guy has been a jerk, but it's also Leia losing her cool entirely and giving into an impulsivity that I don't see as a good thing for someone in leadership to do. I didn't stick immediate consequences in there because I'm not writing an after-school special, but...just because Leia doesn't always have negative consequences for a thing doesn't mean that I included it with the intent that it was supposed to be seen as totally awesome, full-stop. Sometimes it's partially awesome, and partially a big red flag. And maybe I should be more obvious about this; I don't know. I just am not writing a morality tale exactly, so I don't want to steer the narrative into an area that makes it feel clunky or preachy.

17. For normal-length things like one-shots or Collateral, a multichapter with chapters that are a sane length (4K-6K words): I write the thing, I read the thing and edit as I read. I may or may not edit while I write; it depends on how long it is, how long it takes me to write, if any parts are giving me issues. (Like, if I get really, really stuck, I'll start on a fresh document and copy/paste different sentences and paragraphs until I can get back into a good rhythm, and in the midst of all of that, editing happens as well). I basically read and edit things several times until I'm either 1. Entirely happy with it (rare) or 2. Tired of looking at it and no longer debating about changing anything (more common).

For Purpose of Heritage, I did an unhinged and probably short-sighted thing where I wrote what was originally two chapters, decided I preferred them together, and combined them, setting a precedent for myself to write chapters that are 8K-10K words long (and that is legitimately where I've felt each chapter has a natural stopping point -- like, I'm not padding stuff to get to a certain word count. Most of the chapters, I suppose, could be split in half, but we're so far beyond that at this point, I'm just resigned to writing giant-ass chapters until this project is complete). I used to reread everything every time I set out to write a new chapter to try to ensure I didn't go off-the-rails tonally, but when that became too cumbersome, I think you were the one that mentioned having your phone read what you'd written aloud, and I use that not just to review past chapters, but also to edit (so, thank you for that suggestion if that was you, DP!). It helps me identify clunky wording and sometimes straight-up inconsistencies.

So, I usually write and edit as I write, then reread the whole chapter and edit, have my phone read it and mentally dogear what needs to be looked at and edit those pieces when I can, and then read it another time and occasionally have a beta reader (thanks for the times you've helped with this, by the way!) assure me that I haven't gone off the rails entirely if I keep worrying about one particular aspect, edit again with any beta reader suggestions in mind, and finally publish when I'm either as pleased as I'm going to be with it or I can't bring myself to read it again. I do usually try to make sure there is at least a night where I ignore the chapter entirely before doing one final editing pass-through before I post. Giving my brain a chance to not think about it helps me catch errors I missed on earlier read-throughs, and also usually helps me realize that I haven't, in fact, written a pile of garbage.

Thanks for the questions! Sorry these answers are so dang long!

fanfic writer asks

[yandere-monoma]

good evening i am warming up for the 3(+????) killswitch updates i have planned for this coming week so KYM 3 COMMENTARY

chapter 3 (the flashback) was originally meant to just be 'the rising action', a large, large, large chapter of build up before not only getting to the pregnancy reveal, but also detailing all of rose's reactions to it and her whole attempt to redeem herself through motherhood, only to end with a cliffhanger about her subsequent miscarriage. however, i went batshit, got too lost in the sauce and the chapter ended up being SO long before i even got to half of what i had planned, so chapter 3 was split into two halves. it's actually so interesting watching how a piece's word count can grow in that regard, like, i feel like with pacing i am just following this invisible flow and i can sense when i just need to cut it off and i don't really have a choice in the matter. which makes it especially funny when a piece just gets longer and longer and longer and then suddenly it's 10k+ words, god

the flashback was also what i considered at the time to be my final moment to really detail as many of my headcanons about how rose was raised as i could, since i knew the rest of the fic would be laser focused on the pregnancy plot. there were so many details i wanted the audience to have, especially because the pain of building and developing a world that never really gets shown is so painful ARGH

it was a difficult chapter to write for a number of reasons. like, from the first line, i was STRUGGLING

the chapter promptly starts:

and it was... interesting, to say the least, to finally sit there and put a number to what was happening... the topic of CSA is something i write about a lot, but i actually have a huge tendency to avoid listing ages when i do so. i love ambiguity and also adding specifics like that actively make me uncomfortable HAHA i think it makes it too real and makes me actually process what i'm actually writing about, which i'm usually largely disconnected to (i have little to no visual imagination when i read, so, really, the only reason i'm capable of writing this kind of shit without getting grossed out myself is cuz it's all just words to me). so it was an interesting challenge to actually pinpoint an age. it's a large reason behind the 'something bad happens' revelation happens later on. i was incredibly unwilling to specify what age rose was when the sexual abuse happened, both because of that discomfort and also just because of indecision. i don't actually know when bro first started attacking rose in that way. or any of my strider, really. i don't really care to know. HGJFKGS

also

it's interesting to see >rose: scream as it is right now because it's one of those bits that left me unsatisfied to leave as is. maybe one day i'll double back and fix it hsdjfkgsdg initially there was meant to be a stronger and more obvious parallel between rose seeing her menstrual blood for the first time and rose seeing the blood from her miscarriage. at the very least, the commands were originally planned to be identical, but since this chapter's beginning and chap 4's ending are just too different, i abandoned it as an idea. but now... after the fact... oh how i CRAVE it... KJGFLS

this part also brings up another reason why this chapter was so awkward and so difficult. i don't keep it secret from anyone that i just have a big fetish for angst and whump SHDFJGSDF kym isn't meant to be a ~deconstruction~ of anything. if anything, it's more me going 'damn i wish rose got whump fics. she would get so many if she was a boy/a strider. HEY WAIT A SECOND-'....

but a lot of what i'm writing about in this chapter isn't actually fueled by horny. i very much lack a menstruation fetish. in fact, anything involving reproduction is very 🧍‍♂️which is why having an entire plot arc that revolved around it was CRAAAAAAAZY... i got off to NOOOOOONE of that what do you MEEEEAN

it is actually so funny being slightly awkward about writing period blood when you literally write about dicks-in-guts on like a monthly basis HAHA anyway... WORTH it for the carrie reference that part was so sooo important to me

i rewatched carrie so much for this scene HAHA

i love writing bro i hope my love for writing bro really shines in this fic because god i love writing him he's probably my fave hs muse ever

whenever i mention bro's jeans being too tight pls know it's because once i saw him described in a fic as a middle aged man stuffed into an old pair of skinny jeans and it never left me, especially after becoming that very thing. also pls know that whenever i talk about his jeans being too tight it's because i'm gay i'm gay i'm gay and i'm thinking about his thighs and ass and cock

that's you! you're the joke!!!! idk why i adore that line but it was so fun to write

interesting conundrum sparked in this interaction that would haunt me for a couple of chapters after this one. i have thought too many thoughts about how bro should refer to rose. it was all too tempting to have him drop a 'sis' every now and then for that same sense of casual bro-ness but god it's not casual enough in a lot of ways... the lack of plosives stood out to me too much for some pretentious reason and i think in a way it was actually too accepting of her gender to ever be allowed. 'kid' is gender neutral which is as much freedom as bro can possibly allow her. rose is only granted her womanhood when it's being used against her, otherwise she's forcibly deemed masculine or neutral, depending on what suits him more

(which is double interesting because that's a phenomenon that is ESPECIALLY forced upon women of color... i don't actually utilize any race hcs in this fic because my strilonde race hcs tend to be very fluid but damn... kinda wish i did just for that)

quick shout-out to the DVD menu line a few paragraphs down from here yeah that was a purposeful reference to eat your young, it is very important to me that the rose strider character study also reads exactly like a dave strider character study because bro as a character is STATIC, he is repetitive, he is doomed to repeat the same abuse towards his victim no matter who he aims it at. rose and dave and jade and john will all have to face that same moment in the living room where the tv is on and bro is leaning way too close and he shatters their childhood forever by kissing them for the first time. the reason why they get on that couch will vary, bro and rose are watching carrie, bro and dave are watching shitty comedies for ironic reasons, maybe bro and jade are watching cartoons, maybe bro and john are watching childhood tapes while bro tries to prove some crazy insane point. it is always on that fucking couch that bro decides they are grown enough to start™

'Bro’s arms coming around you to squeeze just a little bit as it comes to an end' i fucking LOVE writing 'good' bro moments i LOVE writing bro sprinkling those masculine gestures of affection i love making him ruffle someone's hair or pat them too hard on the shoulder or give them a little side hug. i love when he is not just a stone cold freak sociopath TM he is a human capable of showing love who even enjoys doling it out at any opportunity. it is so so fun and also it drives me crazy

fun fact i'm actually incredibly shit at understanding how the hell the striderian mind games are even supposed to work. it means a lot that people say i nailed it with the carrie thing cuz ngl this is the only way i could make it click in my head. for me, so much of what bro claims in irony isn't, he's just like that genuinely and the mind game is the fact that he just lies and omits info and makes you wonder what's fake and what's not. to me bro strider works because he is a manchild who spends every waking moment crafting a fantasy land and making it a reality, following every fancy and whim he has. for me, he takes the concept of seeing a fictional character and going 'MOOD' and deciding to wear similar clothes or adopt a similar posture and he goes above and beyond. bro being a 'fan' of SAW and creating traps in his house is an example of that to me. he thought they were cool and decided to incorporate it in his irl. and since what's cool to HIM should be cool to his super cool kid too, he just assumes they have the same approach as he does. which is why he sees rose and goes, oh yes, i gotta re-enact every great womanTM horror through her. she's gonna love and appreciate the FUCK out of that.

speaking of that, bro and rose being likened to jigsaw and amanda doesnt really happen enough for my tASTES HELLOOoOOoooo

'This is how he loves you.' line that cracks me up because it's like. one of those lines/concepts that follows me into every piece about abuse if it gets long enough. the bizarreness of it. attempting to comprehend another person's perspective and squeeze it into your own even though trying to understand just harms you further in the process. it makes me aaaaaaaaaaaaa

And God made Eve from the rib of Adam and Eve was weak. And the curse was the curse of blood. 

did you know that carrie has a musical. did you know i fucking love this song from this music. did you know i will sit and force a religious reference into anything and everything i write because i have so So many fetishes on the topic

You start imagining your brother’s rib plucked out, shiny and pretty, and growing enough flesh and arteries and bone to form a little girl. And you were made from him and you were made for him and you-

I'M INSAAAAAAANE adam and eve didn't have to go as hard as it did but Damn. Damn. yknow what people don't do religious striders enough considering the whole from the south bible belt thing. like i don't think they're christian in the slightest but they'd be entrenched in it, they'd be SURROUNDED in it and godhsdjfgsdfg (melts into a cummy puddle) anyway

SCREAMS INTO MY FIST I LOVE THIS SCENEEEEEEE

it is such an odd exchange it was so fun describing absolutely nothing about what was going on in either of their heads

another instance of manchild bro literally jumping for joy SO excited to get a laugh in with his (other) best friend

rose taking his horror movie reference and twisting it into another, trying to take control of the situation (most notably a horror movie where the villain is two antagonists pretending to be one, which is what rose would prefer their relationship to be like, an 'equal' symbiosis rather than one with a huge power dynamic like carrie and her mother)

the fact that yeah it's absolutely pig's blood god bro where did you even get that god you freak

we now get to >rose:bind which means i get to talk a shitload about rose's gender which was... HARD

because rose is very much not transmasc nor is she even particularly genderfluid or even butch and that is a very hard thing to convey in a very... queer audience. i won't get into the rant of it (because HOO i could rant) but i think sometimes in fandom, things get simplified or shoved into a box because it is something recognizable and relatable. i didn't want anything about rose's gender to be relatable. her sense of masculinity is something that was projected onto her and her sense of the feminine is something that was robbed from her and her entire identity is built upon that.

like, it was SUPER fun to play with this aspect of rose striderism because i usually do see her portrayed as butch or masc or just really punk/alt but it was very important for me that this wasn't something that she chose for herself and that it wasn't something that was really true to how she saw herself. dave's issues with masculinity was handed to him on a platter by bro and i wanted that for rose as well

so it was super important for me to talk about her binding. it was super important to explore it as something that was done to her, something that doesn't even really do anything for her as she does it, except fulfilling an aesthetic that was obviously given to her to uphold. it is another form of mutilation that she happily accepts and buys into.

ngl the mutilation is also a reference. i don't really write trans striders (i prefer trans lalondes tbh HJSKFG) but if/when i do, you better KNOW that they're never not thinking about cutting their titties off with their swords. it's their Thing.

You are now a twelve year old drug addict/you are now a twelve year old rat. This wasn't done on purpose but after this point, she never refers to herself as a 'girl'. she gets a quick mention at being bro's sister while lil cal's influence is still holding the narrative but after this point she's just referred to as rose in every 'introduction' sentence and ugfhdgfgd noice

shoutout to this section by the way i think i wrote it while losing my shit on my adhd meds HAHA. i always love the extra edge of mania that gets infused in my writing when i'm hyped up on them enough (i actually have a series on ao3 specifically and secretly dedicated to my Way Too Hyped Up On My Adderall writing, fun fact). this section is also a shoutout to the fact that i've just always been obsessed with psychology and these experiments are some examples of

like, the approach was: ok ricky imagine you're at a bar drunkenly explaining actual real life nature vs nurture experiments to an unwitting third party

Let me be warm. My life is darkness and all I want is a single dose of light. 

note to self: steal that from myself and put it in a book wtf

rose's silly junkie era is so fun because it's me twisting alcoholic meteorstuck rose into the worst thing it could possibly be and she is so cute hjskgsdg

this part was so fun and what's SO fun about reading back on it is literally seeing the parts of the fic where, in the process of writing it, i went... wait let's go a step further WAIT wouldn't it be crazy if i did this or that. here is where i simultaneously realized, YES let's acknowledge within the fic that this is a FIC, let the narrator know about the trigger warnings and the summary. let the narrator understand and point out characterization. let the narrator take plot points and toss them out completely and tease their existence out despite their removal yESSSSS.

now, the latter is actually not the first time i've written that. it's something i've been practicing a lot lately, playing with unreliable narrators and the way they relay actions. playing with what is omitted rather than what is directly and incorrectly said. it's so fun GOD it's SOOOOOO fun to say something happened but not allow it to be studied even a little bit. it's so fun to spend an entire chapter detailing a list of years only to be like. oh yeah by the way, this whole time something else was happening that we just neglected to mention, oops, yeah. and it was such a perfect loophole for my own discomfort HJSKDF go me

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

this was the part of the fic that i was the MOST excited about. there was absoLUTELY no plan for it WHATSOEVER it appeared INCREDIBLY RANDOMLY after i was inspired and reminded by a random ass homestuck PLAY i found on ao3 (this one btw it's super good) that i'm also a playwright and i miss writing in a play format. SJDKFGSDFG. i love playing with format so MUCH and the first few inklings of this idea came from me wanting to use a BROTHER/SISTER format, completely stripping bro and rose's identity into nothing but their familial roles

and then i realized who'd be perfect to do just that

i believe this is the first time i also had to wrestle with what color to use on bro: which is something i tend to struggle with literally whenever i have to incorporate pesterchum colors for him. however, this fic really solidified it for me: as much as i love using orange for bro, it's important to use black for him because lil cal stole his color from him and stole what agency and 'character' he had. the black makes him a NPC, he's reduced to a default setting, and that's perfect. every time i remember that, the urge to put some likeness to dirk into him evaporates instantly

now, i've already talked about my approach to lil cal's characterization so i won't repeat much but i WILL do more to point out specific aspects of it

this part is funny cuz yes it's supposed to be a reference to arquius/equius but also it's a reference to me being really fucking gay for bro. caliborn/lil cal is also gay for bro but also it's just me. i'm the one who wants to kiss bro. i'm the one drooling about his sexy sexy Sexy tight shirt. it's ME.

this part is funny cuz caliborn is not gay for bro and i am Not a lolicon HJDKFGLSDFG

i hope how much fun and delight i was experiencing writing this scene shines through because it was the most fun and the MOST delightful

1)the injection line is super hot 2) reference to laugh track! i love bro feeling one way but being psychically tortured into acting another!! i love thinking about how that would look from the outside!!!!!!!

3) this is the start of the ASPECTS being highlighted in CAPS LOCK which i was INCREDIBLY TEMPTED to also format into their aspect colors but i was TOO FUCKING LAZY and was already doing a lot. it was an impulse that turned into a mini-challenge to me to see just how many aspects i could naturally fit into the prose without trying to force it, very much looking forward to seeing what that count looks like at the end

1)having to google drug safety phrases cuz i couldnt think of good ones off the top of my head was fun 2) who is the green? is the green caliborn or is it lord english or is it The Game? to me, the answer is, of course, all of the above, but especially The Game to me. again, this building and completely unplanned theme of Sburb being an entity capable of opinion and omniscience, and being nearly as much of a character capable of narration as Rose is... really started to solidify here, as lil cal, another inanimate object and another construct of The Game and another impossibility of paradox space, gets to suddenly narrate as well

which is rly what drives me crazy about KYM and what kill/switch has turned into. who or What the fuck is the narrator and what does it Mean to narrate within the context of the story. it isn't like the epilogues where someone is taking it consciously, so what? i can't wait to see if i ever have a specific answer for this, or if it will always just be the consequence of me just having so much fun in the writing process.

speaking of who is the narrator, who tf is the black caps vs the orange HJSDKFGDSG it's so so soooo fun playing with lil cal's ouroboros of possession. i love playing with meshing the two, like the black caps is the possessed narrator channeling lil cal's vibes as it channels any of it's hosts vibes, while the orange is lil cal's words straight from lil cal's lil bitch mouth

oh the SATISFACTION in getting to write the puppet bro moment. the SATISFACTION!!!!! writing this and getting to think and wonder just how many times lil cal has spoken through bro was so fUN

hey did yall know there's white font littered all throughout the fic because there's white font littered all throughout the fic and this is its first usage of it

i don't have specific thoughts (yet) about lil cal and his possible connections to doc scratch.

i do have thoughts about using the white in a way that would be hidden from most readers but still signified in a way for people to try and curiously try and find it. i attempted this by neglecting to white out the punctuation, leaving a big awkward space for a chosen few to hopefully consider poking at

bro slamming rose's head into a wall until she passes out and then regaining control of himself just in time for the effects of her drugs to hit him and passing out with a smile of pride on his face while lil cal (and the GAME) fucking pouts all tf over it. oh yeah baby. oh yeah this is what dreams are MADE of

VERY important speed-run of a VERY important rose strider hc

imo, rose is a better fighter than dave, right. she's better at becoming bro's protege than him. she's his perfect child. she's him.

so.

dave, in his failure, really only barely gets past lvl 1 of bro's intended training by the time sburb starts. maybe he's inching his way through lvl 2. he never even so much as gets a PEEK of lvl 3.

while rose is SOARING towards lvl 10. ok maybe that's a lil much. maybe she's at like 5 and a half. STILL.

so

i wanted to show that. i wanted to say YEAH not only is rose strifing but she strifes WAY more often than dave. i wanted to say yeah not ONLY is she getting attacked physically in the bathroom and kitchen but it's happening several times a day. i wanted to say yeah you thought shit was only physical and psychological??? hell nah bro started engaging in biochemical warfare against her body and she's all for it. i had this absolutely batshit hc about bro forcing rose to strife on roofies on a regular basis and it being something she (mostly) willfully encourages. GOD.

one thing i regret and mourn was that my pacing(???????) didn't allow all too much room to show rose befriending the other zetas and why she adores them so much. i think i summarized it enough with each friend brings a universe to you, but damn that is a premise that deserves a big long ramble

god what the hell is this AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA makes me so mad that bro is so cute with her JHKDFGSDFG this is just me shipping brose so goddamn hard, man... so goddamn hard...

also it was very fun to show bro literally handing rose some drugs on a silver platter after bashing her so often for them earlier. looking back, this is very much a moment where gamzee's influence on cal was absolutely in effect. he's affectionate and willing to share in the drug stash

another thing i regret not elaborating much on. although i think the sardonic nod at myself was super funny (yes it is so on the nose and obvious ooh so original a lolita reference in a het grooming fic) but i do wish i went more into detail about... rose attempting to find her femininity again and specifically the fact that this is happening because of what she's seen of jade and of women in media

(i dont think rose has read lolita but i do think she watched at least parts of the sexualized movie version)

(((man maybe i'll edit this bit cuz i do a lot with rape culture and how it affects rose but i'd love to add some porn culture thoughts as well... femininity and empowerment being joined with objectifying the self for men's benefit and rose attempting to lean into that as she tries to seduce bro because she is unaware of her appeal to him, a gay man)))

also, another laugh track moment, and another hc about bro and how he experiences attraction (and how it's been poisoned by lil cal)

Something in Bro’s face changes, then, the shift in possessive influence, gamzee losing what control he had over bro

You drape your arms around your brother’s shoulders. He grunts. “What are you doing?”  bro returning, sluggishly reacting to what's happening, displeased with affection he didn't initiate and would consider weak

You kiss him on the cheek, girlish and soft. He grimaces. “Kid,” he warns. bro at the forefront. she does something 'girly', he reiterates and reinforces the gender neutral. it is a warning to stop before lil cal notices what's happening, and before she does something he'll really hate

You kiss him again, on the mouth this time. He pushes you away, disgusted. “The fuck?” bro continuing to be at the forefront, suddenly confronted with the fact that rose is attracted to him. as far as he is aware of, nothing he has done to her has ever been linked to 'attraction'. his assaults of her (as bro strider) at this point are a 'lesson'. they are not the result of a paraphilia. he is not attracted to his own child (the attraction is to power, it's to himself, it's ???????). the thought itself disturbs the fuck out of him. is he even aware of how much he has done at this point? does he even remember? is this bro at his purest, without any other influence or sickness manipulating his thoughts?

He breathes harshly. Sweat pops into his forehead, a vein bulging to view above his shades. He looks agonized. lil cal possession! his brain is getting zapped to hell and back and lil cal is fucking screaming at him for allowing something so DISGUSTING to happen. he's not the only one disturbed now, vessel and host are both SO unhappy with this turn of events

he grabs you by the wrist and yanks with a sudden roar of “c'mere.” bro on his own isn't the type of person to raise his voice when he's angry. the violent change in volume here is courtesy of lil cal (leaning towards caliborn?), though he's still largely in control

It’s like you’ve been filled with candy. Bright, fizzy, fuzzy candy that sparkles and foams up like nothing you’ve ever seen. Bro throws you to the ground. He looms over you, huge and terrifying. He corrects you with a sudden, sinister snarl. “You are meat.” lil cal officially puppetering bro completely. candy/meat reference to trigger caliborn even further. why can lil cal read rose's mind???? because of their connection? and/or because of gamzee's chucklevoodoos and the fraction of that ability still held inside of him

“You’re defenseless,” he informs you, drawing a sword from his specibi. “You’re helpless.” rape culture rape culture. it's also interesting to see where kym bro's obsession with it comes from. caliborn's misogyny, sure, but equius, too, in his obsession with the hierarchy, with his fetishization of it and the power structures within it, which of course also fuels the 'attraction'. you're helpless and this is something that i will help you fix... also a sentiment leftover from dirk/hal.

he reaches down suddenly, snarling again, one hand closing around your throat and the other, well. at this point, bro is all action. he is a melting pot of impulses and commands. every aspect of lil cal shouting different things, parts of him rebelling against the intimacy and demanding it be twisted, other parts obsessed with correcting behavior through violence, other parts overwhelmed with arousal and being unable to cope with it otherwise. all at once. all at OOOOONCE. It’s funny to see the contortions on your brother’s face as he fucks you, the forced clench of his jaw, the gratification, the aaaaaaaaaaaaaall of it

'sober up jfc' was such a funny command because the jfc was added at the last minute cuz >rose: sober up just... sounded so bland on its own. needed more OOMPH after the insanity of the scene before

it's also an ode to how much i fucking love that fucking roof my god i could write 6487569045634563950634563 strife scenes forever and never get tired of them

which is another thing i find fun about the rose strider character study. it fills in blanks that i havent written in break and bind us. the thought that bro is aware enough of his own crimes to contemplate suicide more than once isssss GOD yeah... god yeah... i probably wont ever write it much with dave himself because it's already in kym but GOD!!!

this was me struggling to transition to the present JHKDFGSFG like god you get so caught in a feedback loop of insanity and adrenaline that sometimes it's hard to move away from it (which is why i largely write oneshots cuz then i dont have to AHAHA)

surpriiiiise... it was a surprise to me, too. again, the pregnancy plot came long after i had actually started the fic, and rose's 'sickness' was only ever meant to be mental at first. suddenly plotting this and connecting it back to the first chapter/summary felt so wild to do hjsdkfgs

and with that we have the YIKES and me going jesus christ that was the end of the chapter huh goddamnit this fic is way longer than i wanted godDamn. this chapter is insane and i love it so much god.

[avelera]

Alas, I don't really think I've got a draft of Giving Sanctuary 21 that I'm satisfied with as of right now so I will have to add another day to the clock because I am braindead tired right now and I'm not even sure if the last 1,000 words or so that I wrote are even coherent. BUT, the chapter is technically at 10k words right now, which means it's not length that's the issue with regards to posting it, it's more what the shape of Ch. 22 is going to look like, what I want to keep here and what I want to move into the second half, etc.

I suppose it's fitting when every other chapter in the Dinner arc got split in two that "Dessert" would be as well lol (though I think part 2 for this one would be titled "July 15, 1689" as a sort of kickoff for the chapter titles of the next arc, which are all dates, and a callback to ch. 1).

Anyway, I must sleep now but I will say, we are getting there and once I'm not actually braindead I should have a sharper sense of what is left to write before ch. 21 is ready to post, especially now that I've accepted the inevitable into my heart that it's a two-parter lol since two-parters sort of free me up to not get as obsessive around word length and intra chapter arc.

[adelaidedrubman]

ok so. i finished chapter 18 today. it’s currently at 27k. i still have heavy edits to do and a lot might get gutted. there is also a point i could hypothetically split it fairly cleanly into 10k and 17k, although i’d originally intended this arc to be one cleanish piece.

[squishistrawberry]

For context, this whole fic can be read at once because I was originally making a oneshot, but I don't know if that would be too overwhelming to some people and better to split into chapters so there's "breaks." This fanfic is probably going to be around 10k to 15k words if I had to guess because I'm only half or a third way done with it. All of it would be posted at the same time also probably so waiting for the next chapter because I would upload it all at once.