#this book was SO fucking hard to find
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I just found a book I’ve spent the last six years searching increasingly desperately for and now I don’t know what to do with myself
#like obviously read it#this book was SO fucking hard to find#I was on multiple forums#I contacted multiple libraries#I contacted multiple library SYSTEMS#I was typing shit into Google that I thought would get me on an fbi watchlist#so many books I thought could be the right candidate but weren’t#and I was starting to believe I either imagined it or I was smushing parts of other books together#you know how I fucking found it???#I didn’t remember the author or the title but I remembered the cover#I found a news article and I was like hmmmm this name feels sooo familiar to me but idk why#so I investigated and I SWEAR TO GOD my heart stopped when I saw the EXACT COVER FROM MY MEMORY#I was so ready to give up and I have many times and now it’s just there in my face I’m sobbing#honestly surprised by how well my memory recorded this book#like the cover was exactly as I pictured it even though I forgot the author and title
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Comic book writers who still make Bruce hit his kids even after years of mass criticism from fans who TELL you it's a bad creative choice that pushes them away from the fan base and comics in general,,, you did this for what?
#no bc like lets talk about it. if you hate robins that much. just. don't include them. but it's a very specific case of brain rot for comic#book nerds and writers -- MALE comic book nerds & writers -- that just. stops them from understanding#we're here because we love seeing bruce being a good father? we're here because we enjoy seeing a male superhero capable of#care and love after being so heavily traumatized to OTHER traumatized people? like. why. why is it so hard#to believe we love bruce more when he's a good father? ik the answer -- its bc these creators and consumers are#shitty men in general and they're incapable of understanding we might find healthy traits cooler than the machismo toxicism they've#been regurgitating since the fucking 90s#please just let a woman or a non shitty mam write bruce because this is so tiring#bruce wayne#dc#batman#bruce wayne is a good dad
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(No thoughts just this)
(I'm ready to wither away and perish now thank you and goodbye)
#arcane#jayvik#NAH CUZ THE SCENES ARE SO SIMOLAR IT FUCKING TORE MY SOUL IN HALF#DO Y'ALL KNOW HOW HARD I CRIED WHEN I READ THAT BOOK#probably you don't#it wrecked me#this parallel just makes me impossibly emotional all over#if you want to talk to me you'll find me om the floor sobbing#arcane league of legends#arcane s2#arcane spoilers#arcane jayce#arcane viktor#arcane jayvik#jayce talis#jayce x viktor#the song of achilles#tsoa#patrochilles#mine
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Vi is gifted kid burnout but in the english major way
#she’s the best characterization I’ve seen of gifted kid burnout outside of super-genius characters#like. as a burnt out gifted kid by legal designation. she is me#trying to succeed at everything because that’s what you’re told to do or what you think needs to be done to be worth anything to anyone#being rigid to change because it’s not being done right but at the same time accepting change so long as people stay with you#and also how that ties in with being an eldest sibling#because ik folks love the whole ‘gifted kid jinx’ thing (not me but ya’ll do you) but ya’ll—#YA’LL DO NOT UNDERSTAND MY NEED FOR BURNT OUT ACADEMIC VI—#because Vi never got the chance to be a kid and learn and grow and find what she actually enjoyed in the world outside of the last drop crew#but look at her. the way she speaks and the way she tried to teach powder the lessons she earned the hard way in the gentlest way possible#in the way she so desperately clings on to people and memories#my girl would be a WRITER#my girl would be writing poetry drunk in her shitty basement apartment after hooking up with a girl#my girl would be writing novellas in prison and getting her degree#because you know she sees the world like a romantic. her world is art and emotion and devotion. to her family. to anything she cares about#i need more literary! student vi. i need more academic vi. i need more grudging debate-team captain vi#i need vi getting her own place and having an extensive book collection that she develops because of the loneliness#Her gkb is going from a leader & soldier to someone who could be useful regardless to someone who is useless & being okay w/ it ->#to being needed again and not knowing how to handle it but knowing she refuses to fuck it up this time#GIVE ME VI W/ MY GIFTED KID ARCCCCCC#this probs makes no sense and is like 4 tangents but I’ll expand on it later ‘cause im tired#coherency is for losers and the well-rested#vi arcane#arcane#arcane season 2#arcane spoilers#arcane season two#vi
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girlies something really funny happened to me related to assassin's creed.
I was volunteering at the book fair in my city and near the end of my shift I took a break to browse the stands and girl when I tell you I nearly lost my mind because I found the art book of ac 3 for a REALLY CHEAP PRICE (but sadly I didn't have any money with me). Then the book stand guy sees me holding the book like if it was the last glass of water in the desert and instantly went "oh that's good but black flag was better 😏" RIGHT ON MY FUCKING FACEEEE like my brother in christ you did not, not on my watch...
guess if I spent 10 real life minutes arguing with a random sales guy over assassin's Creed and how Connor is one of the best characters of the series while he said Edward was the best and blah blah blah but you know what? in the end we both agreed in the Kenway family supremacy. And he said he was gonna save the book for me lol a win is a win
#you just don't talk shit of my man ratonhnhaké:ton in front of me#also saw the forsaken novel for the same price I'm going to eat plain rice for the rest of the month but they're going to be MINEEE#fyi I'm from Argentina and art books here are hard and expensive to find and this one was like 7-8 dollars LIKEEEE#it's still a little expensive for me tho lol what a fuck up economy we have#the other fun part of this when I told this to my friends snd they say sofi sos boluda he was prob tryna flirt with you and I'm like ???#i'm too gay for this#why would you say that#connor kenway#assassin's creed#ratonhnhaké:ton#sofiverse
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ok wait lets think of some actual things yandere!logan would do since that post failed so badly while also being shoved in my face. like, for example, yandere are incredibly obsessive about the object of their affections, while logan has enhanced senses from his mutation, so it wouldnt be unreasonable to assume he'd obsessively steal articles of clothing and other personal effects that carry a scent, and smell them almost religiously until the scent faded, desperate for a little piece of his beloved that soothes his animal hindbrain
#it really isnt hard to extrapolate yandere behavior theyre really fun but also pretty formulaic#he wouldnt murder anyone in order to fully possess them because he has a lot of hangups about being a murderer#and then he wouldnt be able to see his dadling anymore#so he'd be cognizant enough to not resort to violence#and would keep his distance at least at first because he wouldnt feel worthy of being near them or allowing himself to feel#he'd take a long time placating himself with any crumb or scrap he could find#but when he did finally snap-- probably in response to a threat-- it would be a full on kidnapping lockdown#somewhere fortified that his beloved couldnt leave because then he couldnt keep them safe#probably spend a while keeping himself away only to indulge in the occasional sniff and cuddle#but also desperate to Provide and be Good. bringing nice food and books to read#making the little prison as homey as possible#he's kind-- if gruff-- but obsessive at the same time#probably about the closest you can gwt to a yandere being Nice to you. and probably about the best scenario to get stolkholm syndrome in#hell maybe his beloved could even convince him the danger's passed and they can be let out... as long as he's close by to sweep them up#back into their little cage again#ita literally not hard to imagine this shit its soooooo straightforward how do people fuck it up
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i always say i dont want a book to have a screen adaptation out of fear of them doing it dirty and then i think of the most perfect casting ever for the main character and im like FUCK now i wont sleep until i see this happen
#yes im still thinking about walker scobell as simon snow and i will not stop thinking about it for years#look at the last gifset i rbd TELL ME THATS NOT JUST FIFTH YEAR SIMON SNOW#i read carry on when i was SIXTEEN and i am not exaggerating i have been trying to cast simon for the last 8 years#ive had some pretty solid options for baz but for some reason simon has been so hard to find#but this kid oh my god he fits him so perfectly hes such a great actor but also he just looks exactly like how simons described#just give him a little more freckles and moles and that is simon snow#and percy and simon are very similar characters so i COULD NOT STOP THINKING ABOUT IT i lost it when he fought the chimera with a sword#im so attached to carry on i would be absolutely DEVASTATED if it was adapted terribly so ive always said i didnt want any adaptation#BUT FUCK WALKER SCOBELL LITERALLY IS SIMON SNOW AND NOW I WANT IT AAAAH#SOMEONE PLZ TALK TO ME ABOUT THIS SOMEONE ELSE HAS GOT TO BE INSANE ABOUT IT TOO#now im gathering pics of every kid actor i want for each character and im putting them next to each other like theyre action figures#might make a post about who id cast for everyone i have so far#DEFINITELY will if someone asks me to#walker scobell#simon snow#carry on#snowbaz#books#books and reading#booklr
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i have two sides (starts a book and never finishes it. or starts a book and reads it in a day)
#z xarre#this is part of my spreadsheet for books read this yr btw#notes of a crocodile IS interesting dgmw. idk why its taking me so long to get through it though#i think i need to start reading physical books. but its so hard w the kind of books i wanna read (and pirate)#bc theyre all originally in english AND theyre usually about lesbianism. like its already hard finding books in english here#outside of like. whats super fucking popular. what makes you think any library in zgz or uesca is gonna have lgbt books in english?#(they dont. i checked.)
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Hey if you’re still enjoying and engaging with Harry Potter in any capacity you can unfollow me 😊 please and thank you
Like. I get it. I was super into it as a kid too. I did not have the social context to pick up on the antisemitism or transphobia or sexism or fatphobia or bioessentialism or racism or anything else. I also picked up on surface-level language of Fighting Back Against Evil and ascribed my own values onto what that meant and thought we were all on the same page. I remember when the original kids who grew up with the books started becoming adult fans and picking up on the (blatant!) antisemitism and everybody was still mostly willing to give JKR the benefit of the doubt on it. (“She was writing kids books!” They said. “She didn’t know she was penning a global phenomenon! She picked a common literary trend in European fairy tales (antisemitic caricature) and didn’t examine it closely. It’s a mistake anyone could make,” we said. “She would probably do things differently now. After all, she word-of-god confirmed the vaguest hints she dropped that Dumbledore might be gay,” we said.) There was actually a span of several years where biases inherent in the actual real content of the Harry Potter series were coming to light and even the people pointing them out still seemed mostly to think it was an unfortunate accident.
That time has passed. Years ago! We are long past the first months of “maybe she doesn’t realize this seemingly-feminist tweet she liked was made by a noted TERF” and then “how could she not realize that these many veiled TERF-y things she’s retweeted have implications for the many queer fans of her work” and finally “oh wow okay JKR just dropped an entire transphobic manifesto on twitter. I guess the transphobia was the point.”
Yeah, there were a few months after that where people were still processing and still working through how they felt about Harry Potter and all of its flaws with the context of the now open transphobia of the creator. I was there for that. Remember how I was one of the kids who built it up into something noble and worthwhile based on my own beliefs about what messages it was probably trying to convey? Turns out it wasn’t trying to say any of those things, and when you take the time to examine all of the terrible shit that made its way into the text whether JKR intended it to be there or not, the whole series falls apart. It’s weird to discover that there’s a room in your house that’s rotten to the core, but eventually you figure out you can’t live like that, still going in there and holding your nose and pretending it’s still the same room you thought it was when the termites were only inside of the walls and hadn’t yet started chewing their way through the furniture. Because what’s going to happen is that they are going to infest the rest of your house. If you decide you can ignore transphobia and antisemitism and everything else just because you liked the color of the wallpaper, the rest of your principles are going to crumble too. You get rid of that fucking room. You put those books on a high shelf in the back of your closet behind other outgrown clothes and interests and you move the fuck on.
JKR uses the money made from her transphobic antisemitic children’s books to actively funding hate groups and to lobby for legislation that will and has actually affected the actual lives of trans people in an entire country. We are past the point of grieving something you were wrong about in childhood. Kids are wrong about a lot of stuff. You grow up and you learn new information and you change your behaviors based on it. You have to choose. It is transphobic to pretend there is not transphobia where there is. It is transphobic to support the work of someone who is using those funds to take rights from trans people with every fucking dollar. It is hateful to continue to engage positively with a story that at its very core is rooted in hate and bigotry and prejudice. You can choose to do all of those things but you cannot claim ignorance of them and you cannot choose those things and still pretend that choosing them upholds the values we convinced ourselves that Harry Potter stood for over a decade ago as uninformed children. You cannot choose to do those things and pretend to still support your trans and queer and Jewish neighbors. I do not want you in my neighborhood. Leave.
#mine#Harry potter cw#yeah I don’t want to see or think about this shit either and I’m sure most of my followers are on the same page of just like. let’s wipe it#from the public consciousness and do our best to just completely ignore it and forget it existed and in doing so take away JKRs platform and#influence and also stop the continued harm the series will do by propagated hateful biases in people who continue to read it#but despite heavily culling my feed over the course of the past several years and thankfully mostly not seeing HP fandom things anymore#I’ve been seeing a lot of responses today to people defending it and honestly I forget that there are still people out there doing that who#think they are just fine and normal fandom people with non-hateful and terrible interests and it makes me so angry#maybe more so because like. I was there too! I was annoyingly obsessed with Harry Potter from the ages of idk seven? up until whenever JKR#started being openly transphobic. I have so much fucking knowledge about this book series that will never leave my brain. and yeah it was#weird and hard to have to rethink things and realize that no actually it does feel bad and uncomfortable to continue to be a fan even#passively of these books. it was a big part of my childhood and several of my friendships. I fully get it. I was the weird kid also.#it was weird and hard to say oh actually this sucks and I don’t want to be a part of it anymore. but I did it! I got there! because it was#more important to care about real actual things and people than it is to fondly remember a book series for children.#and at the time it felt like maybe I did hang on a little longer than I could have and was a little later than some people and figuring out#my feelings and moving on from the whole thing. but it was still fucking years ago. and you’re still here?#because you like the color of the wallpaper in this shitty rotten broken down tacked on room? because we used to spend time there together?#buddy the room was giving us lead poisoning the whole time and the rest of us have accepted that and we are all outside doing other things.#you will find connection and community in so many places in your life. I promise. get the fuck out of that terrible awful room#and for gods sake stop bring out handfuls of mold you found under the floorboards and shoving it in our faces#nobody fucking wants this. we did it. we’re done.#so yeah I think I have an extra level of disdain because I know from personal experience that it’s not *that* fucking hard to care more#about real life trans people than about antisemitic children’s books.
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The consequences of my poor financial decisions are here!!
#blame Kat for this lmao. she got the Yangchen novels first and I very easily give in to peer pressure (that wasn't exerted. but whatever)#three days earlier than scheduled too. which worked out perfectly bc I picked them up on the way home from grandma's#and carried them for 2 km. 2 hardcover books + the thick cardboard boxset they're in#+ the backpack full of food my grandma gave me#in the rain#I nearly fucking died#I'm not made for this level of physical exercise 😅#okay moving on#nia stop calling things like this poor financial decisions challenge#it cost like. the equivalent of 40 bucks#I have 30 times as much hidden away in my sock drawer#and I am usually responsible with my spending. I'm allowed a slightly more expensive treat every once in a while#also my dad doesn't know but I'm sure if I would him 'hey I spent 3.8k on a pair of books is that okay'#he'd be like 'why tf are you asking when have I ever said no to you spending money'#but again. I do try to be mindful#which is why as much as I want the lok art books and could probably ask for money for them. I won't#bc they cost an arm and a leg and I cannot morally allow myself to spend that kind of money#anyway. getting distracted again#do you know how hard it was to get these? I checked like 3 marketplaces before I did#and I was fully ready to get them in russian because non-classical english books are impossible to come by here#sanctions and all that. but somehow I did. and it only cost half the money in my bank account#I don't even know if Russian editions exist. these books were written before the war and before the gay propaganda ban but still#I didn't find them when I looked. maybe they don't sell them now that the law is in place or smth#I don't really care enough to look it up#the point is. I now own the books and can happily read about best girl kyoshi whenever I want#if the stress for an upcoming event doesn't kill me. that is#also I have read rok before but it was 3 years ago so my memory is vague. and I just realised how much thinner sok is?#I'll have to check the page count later
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society if dc hired a writing team of colour who could acknowledge the racial coding of starfire & raven, explore vic's status as a Black man in modern america who's specific disability further means his body is going to be read a certain way by certain people no matter what he does, along with potentially finding a way to sort through the racisim + fetishization that went into prior depictions of dick's heritage:
#i say team as i think team books would probably benefit from more co-writers anyway. allows for more perspective. also pays more artists.#also i think a prior lack of racial sensitivity on the part of major corporations calls for paid opportunity to- for lack of better terms#because i'm stoned & can't find them- fix the fucking mess of it all#there's so much you could do irt to sociopolitical commentary if you just hired the right fucking people. i'm so over this jesus fuck.#dc#ntt#teen titans#the titans#like and even ignoring that there's so much you could do with the idea of friendships & teams as communities if the job was given to#someone who actually fucking CARED about any of those things.#anti tom taylor#legit if i see anyone on the dash praising it i will lose all respect for their opinions.#this man is worse than every insta poet put together and we could have had SO MUCH FUCKING BETTER.#cis white guys write the most absolute crap-paper worthy at best stories&comic companies are just like ''here go. fuck up even MORE stuff''#am angry#if you see the version of this post with a typo just say nothing. yes my brain was just going ''why why why why'' that hard.
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Been listening to the rwby books. After the Fall wasn't too terrible, but jesus fuck Before the Dawn is a lesson in frustration. What is Myers' beef with Sun and why was it allowed to assassinate his character?
#rwde#myers writing style is so antithetical to my own that im foaming at the mouth w every sentence#i sincerely hope his other books arent this painful but his website doesnt give me much hope#'including the award winning' *lists every book he's written w no indication that only two of them actually won awards*#apparently the andre norton award is for middle grade/young adult books which puts his prose in perspective#but i wonder why this guy was chosen to write for rwby? what abt him made the cut that others didnt?#or is this another case of nepotism?#hard to say since i can't find much info on him. good on him for keeping his privacy but im a nosy bitch so gimme the deets lol#either way his writing is dry and tedious and i might make a whole post abt it#tho i will say that the character interactions between yatsuhashi velvet and fox are supremely fun#new ot3 just dropped#coco can go fuck herself. she's the worst part of both these books by far. hope she gets eaten again
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hiiii mackerellll good morning gmm <333 did u know. u r so cool & good at writing forever.... ur stuff always makes me feel shrimp emotions every single time & u literally understand every character so good & ive been thinking ab ur ghostknife snippets literally all night.... <- im hitting the fic preview cheat code button 1 billion times but also literally so gensrs ur writing is everything 2 me dude
HI ROS GOOD MORNING YOU GET THE GAYEST BITS I HAVE SO FAR 🏳️🌈‼️🏳️🌈‼️🏳️🌈
PEACE AND LOVE AND BLOOD ON PLANET GHOSTKNIFE 🤞
#AAAAAAH NICE 2 ME#to be fair this is probably the most gutwrenching thing ive written in a while.#really channeling my inner angsty teen writing poetry in a journal you shove under your bed and hope nobody sees ever !!!!!!!!!#pages you would panic and rip out and eat if anyone were to find the book!!!!#the wolf poetry is cringe but harmless. the bloody gay as fuck pining is like OOPS NOBODY LOOK AT THAT EVER#its so hard there are certain bits in here that im like i CANNOT show those umtil i post this. those HAVE to be a surprise.#its mostly the ghost metaphors. and maybe i used the phrase dead fish eyes in here somewhere. sue me im biased#YIPPEEE. GUESS WHAT IM GONNA SPEND ALL DAY WORKING ON. i need 2 get this OUT of my mind before it possesses me#asks#friends!!!#intertexts
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ROUND 1A! MATCH 8 OUT OF 8
Propaganda Under the Cut:
Scarlet:
Her big bad wolf is her mutant soldier boyfriend. She shot him once and honestly he was into it. Probably bi. Helped start a revolution.
Her wolf is actually. Um. A genetically modified soldier with wolf traits. At the beginning its not very obvious but by the end of the series yeah she's. She's a monsterfucker. Anyway that's not really relevant but I just think she's pretty cool (not because she's a monsterfucker)
She's a french farmgirl and a pilot who ends up in a plot to overthrow the queen of the moon. The big bad wolf is a genetically-altered soldier that she falls in love with. She's short-tempered, straightforward, and fiercely loyal.
"Grown up" Fairy Tales are a lot of fun. this one is also a cool mix of LRRH and BatB. She can totally take care of herself and her wolves are in for quite a story.
She’s a badass?
her family runs a restaurant and she’s friends with a furry
she's french. she's loud. she falls in love with the wolf (a guy named wolf who is genetically modified somehow). she sells tomatoes and gets in fights and just wants to find her grandmother. she is literally the little red riding hood character in a series of books retelling fairy tales in an alternate universe in space and I love her
she has a gun and she’s pretty cool. sorry she’s french if it helps it’s like 500 years in the future france. also she’s bisexual (TO ME!!! no straight woman thinks the things she thought about winter aka the character based on snow white)
Valerie:
The movie isn't some great cinematic piece, but I think this adaptation doesn't get enough credit. It came out near the peak of the Twilight vampire v Werewolf stage and the first attempts at live action retellings of fairytales (see Mirror Mirror). This girl's whole town and life are turned upside down by the murder of her sister by the Wolf. And when she goes to Grandma's there is extra tension because she isn't just going with the casual risk. No one knows who the wolf is, but every step leads Valerie to be suspicious of those closest to her most. It also doesn't help that Valerie understands the Wolf when it Speaks to her. Plus its got Sirius Black, Charlie Swan, and Sophie (Mamma Mia/Letters to Juliette) which is also So early 2010s.
Ngl I don't remember much about this but I just think that it would be funny if she won or even got far in the tournament when this book/movie was clearly made to cash in on the Twilight, Young Adult 2010s trend.
#red riding poll#round 1#round 1a#scarlet benoit#the lunar chronicles#marissa meyer#valerie#red riding hood#catherine hardwicke#little red riding hood#polls#character polls#poll tournament#poll bracket#battle of the young adult books#also god that rrh book is so fucking hard to google. like if you google red riding hood book or red riding hood young adult book#its so hard to find#i had to google red riding hood amanda siegfried bc i remember she played her in the movie#fascinating story behind that movie/book they were made at the same time
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Books of 2024: THE ART OF EXCESS by Tom LeClair.
Another day, another "requesting niche out of print nonfiction from the library that they have to borrow from the Library of Congress, because of course they do"! I didn't actually read the whole thing because I'm not familiar with six out of the seven books he analyzes, but I did read the preface, the introduction, and the chapter about Le Guin's ALWAYS COMING HOME (which was really the epilogue lol).
His framework of "systems novels" was fascinating to me and my biology-oriented brain, and he flagged a lot of the same things I transcribed for my "le guin posting" tag, which I thought was neat! Unfortunately: he nerfed himself by spending most of his time on behemoth novels by six white men as Representative of Excess as Mastery, so I found his overall conclusions lackluster--like, dude, really, broaden your sample size if you're trying to generalize to American Literature Going Forward (it's no wonder Le Guin was the most hopeful and reconstructive of the lot, given the synopses of the other bricks he discussed). Neat intro and preface! And I found myself nodding along to a lot of his insights on Le Guin, but I also found myself rolling my eyes at how he tried to generalize from the texts he selected.
#books of 2024#the art of excess#tom leclair#book photo#le guin posting#i didn't add this to goodreads or anything i just read those couple parts#it felt silly to read the rest given that i have not read the other books he's analyzing (and also given how the library needed this back)#(sooner than my return receipt said lol)#(i took pictures of the two chapters i read so i can revisit them later because this book is SO HARD TO FIND)#the systext was. interesting.#but wow a lot of what he said about marginalized writers rubbed me the wrong way lmao#i tried to cut him a little bit of slack because it was published in like. 1987. but dude.#1. there are more than black and white women and men writers as far as the demographics of america go#2. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU WRITING OFF THE COLOR PURPLE IN YOUR INTRO#3. you're like. so close. to having a Revelation about maybe why writers of color and female writers don't write what you tout as Big All--#--Encompassing American Novels(TM)#do you see your own whiteness?? do you REALLY though?? dude what are you calling default lol#i don't know enough about postmodernism to engage with that framework of his but i was interested in the systems thing because it's ecology#i speedread these chapters in like. 24 hours. due to aforementioned library issues#but we're counting it as a book of 2024 for photo purposes anyway lol
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Something that makes reading TOA so devastating is how fucking much Apollo feels about Everything. There’s so MUCH. Like I don’t even know how to describe it to you if you haven’t read the books yourself. He has so many complicated thoughts and emotions about just about everything and he cares about everything so much and there is just SO MUCH going on in his head. And yet none of it ever reaches his mouth!!
He almost never says what he’s feeling. What little comes out of his mouth about his thoughts barely even scratches the surface of what he actually means. Like he’ll be having a long ass monologue about how incredible someone is, showing a deep understanding of them as a person and empathizing with them so hard you’d almost think it’s projection but it’s not he’s legitimately just mind melding with this random person he met like a week ago and he’s thinking the softest, kindest thoughts about them like he knows they’re fucking incredible - and what comes out of his mouth is just like, “you’re a wonderful friend :)” AND ITS LIKE. THERES SO MUCH MORE UNDER THE SURFACE. the sheer admiration and adoration he has for everyone around him……… UGHHH!!! But he never VOICES ANY OF IT!!!!!! He never tells anyone about what Zeus did to him……. He never tells anyone except the reader about his realization that Zeus is abusive…. He never even tells commodus about how much he adored him, not then and not now… he refuses to tell anyone when he’s in pain or tries to justify the things he does when he actually had Decent Reasons for why he did something… I’m. I’M. AUGH. AHHHHH
HE DOESN’T EVEN TELL US ALL OF HIS THOUGHTS IS THE THING. THERES EVEN MORE THAT HE IS NOT TELLING US!!!!! THE FUCKING OCEAN OF FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS HE HAS ABOUT EVERYTHING IS THE CLIFF NOTES VERSION. I AM IN DISTRESS.
And YET…. Even what slips out of his mouth is so fucking devastating it is SO devastating. He’s so fucking kind and gentle with Harley and Meg and and other younger Demis and his kids… he’ll act like an obstinate idiot and then turn around say something that drags the core of the person he’s talking to into the light like nail on the fucking HEAD like he reached into their soul and gave them the words to express something that they were struggling to say aloud or that they didn’t even realize about themself. Around the 2nd book he starts putting voice to some of his feelings and thoughts about others and even that tiny fucking sliver is overwhelming to the people he’s talking to bc he’s SO. AUGHHHH
#this is why ‘reading the TOA books’ fics fucking slap btw. because as embarrassing as his thoughts can be#so many of them are just incoherent screaming about how he loves everyone around him. devastating#like imagine helping out ur loser deadbeat dad who you don’t really know much about bc he’s flighty and hard to read#and finding out ‘wow he cares about us a lot more than I thought’#bc he literally almost dies to save you/your siblings and keeps following you all around everywhere#but he’s still like. your weirdo absentee dad. u don’t know hardly anything new about him other than an apparent suicidal streak#and then u find out that the whole time he was whining about chicken nuggets or whatever he was internally sobbing abt how much he loves u#and every time u were nearby he was going ‘MY BEAUTIFUL PERFECT BABY… JUST AS INCREDIBLE AS THEIR MORTAL PARENT!!!! BEAUTIFUL LIKE THE SUN!#HOW DID I EVEN MAKE SUCH A BEAUTIFUL PERFECT BABY. UNREAL. THEY CANT BE MINE!? BUT THEY ARE!!! LOOK AT THEMMM!!?!!! IM SO PROUD……#my beautiful perfect angels… all of their parents best traits and none of our worst…. I am Barely restraining myself from sobbing#i would give u the WORLD if my father wouldn’t kill me for it :(‘#and it’s like. wow. okay dad. um. would have been nice to know that when we were all dying in The War#Please Hug Me Though.#imagine being a Random Ass Demigod who didn’t go on a big special quest or something like you are literally just Some Guy#and finding out that this weirdo loser god u gave a sandwhich to or something thinks you are so fucking cool#your own parent doesn’t know ur name but Apollo knows u on sight and read ur soul within the 2 seconds yall talked and he thinks you rock#how are you supposed to respond to that.#snack time#toa#longpost
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