#this being said i really am grieving though

[storybookstr4nge]

i am seeing all of the criticism of watchertv (and agreeing of course - it's entirely tone deaf and un-conducive among other things) but i feel as though the attitude i am seeing from a lot of people online involve absolving shane entirely, saying things like, "shane blink twice if they made you do this!" "shane "eat the rich" would never allow this!" "he was forced into this!" and redirecting all of the blame unto ryan and steven - mostly steven - saying that steven is the "ned fulmer of watcher" (wild thing to say) and delegating the responsibility of this decision entirely onto the two of them, and i cannot help but feel like there is an undeniable racial undertone to this rather vitrolic pivot. i understand being a fan of shane - i myself was a proud shaniac! - but i plead that we be conscious about woobifying an adult man who - though could have very well opposed the decision - was still one of the three ceos who okayed it! nothing is gained from scapegoating the two asian men and relinquishing the white one for the hate that this business venture is garnering. please, by all means, continue to criticize, but if you are, do it tastefully, and be careful with insinuations - especially without knowing the intricacies of the situation (and even if/when we do know something. criticism should never come from veiled bigotry) ! just because the property itself is shifting rather horribly doesn't mean we as watcherinas need to turn our community toxic <33

[peppermintmochafem]

.

[inkskinned]

so while i was writing the book, i became violently suicidal.

this was mostly due to the fact that i had a very bad reaction to some meds and my brain stopped producing any serotonin. also i was in the last semester of grad school where it's actually illegal to feel anything but dread. so it wasn't going well.

somewhere in the fog of it i became aware i needed help. nobody was taking clients or my insurance. i didn't want to do inpatient care - it wasn't right for my needs. there's not really an "in between" stage between "inpatient" and "no care," but i was trying to do the right thing. i was trying to activate the chain of command that was my emergency plan. i knew i needed help now.

i used betterhelp.

i know, i know. i'm a straight-A student and so smart and so clever, how could i ever use something so blatantly bad. to be honest with you, i didn't feel particularly keen on it from the getgo - things that seem too good to be true usually are. also, if something online is free, the price is usually your privacy.

the thing is that there was kind of a global pandemic happening at the time and i worked 5 jobs alongside of being a fulltime student and also like writing a book on the side. it is a miracle that i even thought about getting help. i would love to tell you i had the mental wherewithal to like, process whether this was the right choice for me. mostly i was desperate. i was so suicidal that i was trying to find a reason to stay inside of fortune cookies. i was the kind of suicidal that looks like splatterpaint. i hadn't been that bad in an entire decade.

they took my data. i gave them it freely. somewhere out there, they have a dossier on me. on everything i survived. my story in little datapoints, scattergraphed beautifully.

the first woman told me that really i should be grateful, because (and this is a direct quote): "at least you're not anne frank." i said that i felt that statement was antisemitic, as anne frank's life and experience shouldn't be compared to like, a nonbinary lesbian in western massachusetts. the therapist said that i should try to use lucid dreaming to try to picture myself in an actually scary situation, like running from nazis.

i applied for another therapist. i was willing to accept the possibility that there was a bad apple in the bunch. the next therapist and i even laughed about how inappropriate that statement was. and then, in our next session: the new therapist said if i was struggling with body image issues, i should just work harder on my appearance. she spent 3 sessions in a row talking about how she was grieving, and made me memorize facts about her grandmother so "she can live on through my clients."

i am a three's-a-charm kind of person. okay, so what if the last person made me uncomfortable. i figured it was just a misunderstanding of priorities - she had felt she was sharing with me, i had felt like i had to take care of her. i applied for another therapist.

the last woman asked me to help her pray. she bowed her head. i stared at her, frozen, while she said: lord, i beg you: cure her. take the pain of being gay away from her.

i spent somewhere between 2.5 and 3 months on betterhelp. in that whole time, i was not getting the professional help i so desperately needed, even though i was fucking trying.

in the end, i survived this because i finally could get off the meds that were literally killing me. a request for a real therapist finally went through. i survived because my friends saved my life. because nick let me sob myself dry in his arms. because maddie took the razors out of my room when i asked them to. because grace slept over in my bed for like 3 weeks in a row since nobody trusted me not to hurt myself when i was alone. i survived because i got fucking lucky. because even when i was desperately suicidal, i was too old and too self-aware to take "you need to be prettier" as good advice.

the thing is that there's a 19 year old me who isn't like that. who would have heard "just think about how grateful you should be" and said - oh, i see. i would have assumed that is what it means to be in therapy: the same thing my abusers used to tell me. that i am just pretending and lazy. that i am ugly and unworthy.

betterhelp positioned itself to take advantage of an incredibly vulnerable community. it preys on desperation. it knows it is serving people who are not doing well mentally. it saw that there is a huge need for real, immediate, compassionate mental health care: and then it fucking takes your money and privacy.

i still get their ads on instagram. last night i watched as a woman in a pool pretends to talk to a different woman. they discuss her anxiety.

there's a 19 year old version of me, and she didn't survive this. she was too tired, and drowning. i almost fucking died. this thing almost fucking killed me.

in the ad, the woman playing the therapist takes a note on a clipboard and then nods once, sagely.

i have to admit it's a pretty scene. the steam and light coming off the pool water lands on the actresses. like this, it almost looks baptismal, holy.

[readychilledwine]

Pieces of You - Prologue

Summary - After losing Feyre to childbirth, Rhysand finds himself leaning on one of her friends much more than he'd ever expected

Warnings - death, loss of a mate, babies, drug induced sleep

A/N - this one is going to hurt before it feels good, friends. It's gonna hurt a lot. Based on these little pictures I found in a tiktok

Silence had fallen over the house.

There wasn't a single voice whispering, no bells to ring in the celebration of Nyx's birth, no loud pops from corks of champagne echoing in the air. 

Just silence. 

Madja stood in the doorway, a small bundle of what should have been joy wrapped in her arms. Rhys was sat on the steps, shoulders shaking with anger and sadness. 

The Cauldron had refused Nesta's offer. It had instead mocked them, changing Nesta's womb, forcing her to keep the powers that plagued her, and breaking the death bargain. 

It forced him to live while his mate died, promising there were no second chances this time. No magic being to bring her back again. This time was for good. It was forever. Rhysand knew life could be a bitter thing, but he did not expect death to be as cruel. 

“High lord,” Madja approached slowly. “We need to decide how we are feeding Nyx. The babe needs to eat.”

Azriel appeared besides Rhys, kneeling down next to him as he stared off the balcony. “I.. I don't know,” he finally answered. “We hadn't talked about it. She figured she would just be here to do it.” Azriel squeezed Rhysand's shoulder, handing him a vial with blue liquid in it. “We will have to find a wet nurse. Though, I am unsure how you will find one this last minute.”

“Y/n,” Azriel said softly. “She just had a babe, didn't she?” Madja nodded. “Can she just feed them both?”

“it is possible. Y/n does over produce already and has been storing milk. Newborns need to be fed almost hourly, though, shadowsinger. She'd have to have them both here, or Nyx will have to stay with her."

Rhys just shrugged, uncorking the vial and shooting back the contents. “I really don't care about that aspect, Madja. The house is huge, and I'm alone now anyway. What's the point in caring? She can decide." Azriel helped him stand as the sleeping drought started to work and supported his brother into a bedroom. 

He reappeared moments later. “I'll ask her. I know you don't want to burden her.” He reached for Nyx, admiring his perfect face again. “She's a sweet girl, quiet, good listener. She might be good for both of them while he heals.”

Madja just nodded. “Just remember that two grieving widowers will need a village to care for two newborns.”

The small cottage you lived in was quiet. You were leaned against the couch, sitting in the floor with your head laid back. Caring for your daughter alone was a chore, and you knew you should have been sleeping, but something was keeping you awake. 

A gentle knock in the door had you cringing, praying Morwenna wouldn't wake up. You moved to the door quickly, not noticing the shadow whisping around your feet and opening it to a desperate shadowsinger. “Az?” You moved for him to come in, stomach dropping at the sight of the babe in his arms. “Please tell me you being here with that sweet little thing doesn't mean what I think it does.”

Azriel just looked up, tears finally falling. “He hasn't ate yet,” your heart shattered at the unneeded confirmation. “Please, help us.”

You took the Illyrian babe instantly, taking your shirt off without question to offer him food. Azriel's shoulders fell in relief as his little cheeks began to move, a small hand and fingers reaching to your pinky. 

The two of you sat in heavy silence again. Azriel processing what had all happened that day, and you, aching for a male you hardly knew, and mourning the female that had become a close friend. 

You almost laughed at how cruel life could be. To lose your mate before childbirth, and then to lose your friend, the female who held your hand during labor, only a week later.

General Taglist:

@hnyclover @glitterypirateduck @slytherinindisguise @mischiefmanager @bloodicka @starsinyourseyes @the-sweet-psycho

@mariahoedt @rinalouu @sarawritestories @starryhiraeth @starswholistenanddreamsanswered @cumuluscranium @loneliestluvr @eternallyelvish @daughterofthemoons-stuff

Rhys taglist:

@tothestarsandwhateverend @cheshire-salvatore-mikaelson @avajustreads

Pieces of You Taglist:

@dr4g0ngirl

[radioapple-heathen]

My Top 10 Radioapple Fic 'Series' Recs

I've been working on this for a while. With nearly 4k fics for this ship on A03 (at the time of me writing this rec list), it can be difficult to find gems. I was really grateful for the rec lists I stumbled upon when I first joined this fandom, and I want to share the fics that have changed my brain chemistry with both newcomers and oldtimers alike. As with all rec lists, this list is completely subjective and curtailed to my tastes/preferences. I'm also sure this list will change with time as more fics get added to the fandom. As of mid-2024 though, here's where I'm at.

For background, I am an acespec 30+ married woman with ADHD raising a AuDHD child, and I appreciate fics that handle these aspects with respect and care. I've also been in fandom/writing for 20+ years, never professionally, always for fun.

My fic preferences:

I gravitate towards crisp prose that is sophisticated but not weighed down by excessive $5 dollar words. I like my fic like I like my food: digestible. The writing doesn't have to be perfect (typos and grammatical errors happen, that I can deal with) but the characterization is important to me.

I gravitate towards top!Lucifer because Alastor is a prissy little power bottom, but there are certainly exceptions to that on this list. At my core, though, I think they're switches with preferences.

I gravitate towards fics that have a nice balance of plot and romance, preferably leaning more towards the latter. I read fanfic for the relationship so if the plot supersedes the 'radioapple'-ness, I tend to find myself drifting/skimming, before giving up altogether.

I gravitate towards fics in sub <200k. Again this is an attention thing, no fault of the author, people loveee long fics. But often, even if I'm loving a fic, I'm like okay, where are we going with this? Again, some exceptions, which I'll highlight below.

I can be picky about my slow burns, like if it takes 100k to hold hands, I'll prob pass? BUT THIS IS JUST ME AND I HAVE THE ATTENTION SPAN OF A GOLDFISH AND I WANT TO FORCE THEIR HEADS TOGETHER AND MAKE THEM KISS ASAP?????

I gravitate towards genderfluid or intersex Lucifer, he's a shapeshifter and an angel, it just.. makes sense to me.

I have a preference for M or E-rated fics. I just really love the vulnerability and character development that can be explored through intimacy, especially in re: to Alastor's ace-ness. And what can I say? I wanna read about twink king getting it on with his deer man. That being said, I do have some T+ recs in my multi-chap/oneshot rec list.

Anyways. With all that said, let's get into the actual fics. Note, this isn't an exhaustive list, I could rec fics forever, there's so much talent in this fandom. These are just the ones that have altered my genetic makeup.

Top 10 Series

1.) All changed, changed utterly by @tollingreminiscentbells

Series: Complete. Rated: E. POV: Alastor for installments 1-5. Last installment (6) it switches. Genre: Canon Divergence/Post-Canon. Notable Warnings: None.

Notes:

This is actually my favorite radioapple fic/series in the entire fandom. This series has rendered me somehow both speechless and bursting at the seams with praise. The writing is superb, the prose is elegant, but also easy to parse. Alastor meeting Lucifer as a human (and then again, in Hell) is by far my favorite trope of this ship, and this author takes said trope and weaves it into a masterpiece. The way they write Lucifer’s character (grieved by wrongs and loss, ancient and capable and so, so loving) is such a joy. And Alastor, god. I personally find Alastor’s POV tricky to write. He is a very complex character with a very specific narration voice, whimsical and deadly and clever and emotional stunted and possessive of what's his — which in this case, is Lucifer. I will never be able to sing enough praises. It truly cemented my love for this wonderful, complex, violently loving ship.

2.) Between the Shadow & the Soul by winterveritas

Series: In Progress. Rated: E. POV: Alastor. Genre: Canon Divergence/Post-Canon. Notable Warnings: None.

This author will pop up several times because everything they touch is gold. I really love this take on the radioapple dynamic where Alastor is rather smitten from the start, because I feel like many fics drag him kicking and screaming into admitting he cares (mine included, no shade). But like, Winter is able to write him this way while still keeping him in-character imo, and I just... love it???

3.) Lucifer and his Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Relationship by @keelywolfe

Series: In Progress. Rated: E. POV: Lucifer. Genre: Canon Divergence/Post-Canon. Notable Warnings: None.

You might actually be living under a rock if you haven't read this series. If that's the case, I IMPLORE YOU, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, read this series. It has one of the best Lucifer's narration voices I've ever read. Also, it has one of my favorite tropes: "slow burn but they're fucking the whole time." AND AND AND intersex!top!Lucifer, YES PLEASE???? This series also is one of my 'typical attention span for fics' exceptions because it just hit 200k, and I am still 100% invested. I could read about these two idiots forever.

4.) Wicked Game by TrashDemonX

Series: In Progress. Rated: E. POV: Alastor. Genre: Canon Divergence/Post-Canon. Notable Warnings: None.

Not gonna lie, I went into this with the idea of just like, Smut Galore (and it is, bless), but it's actually become just a fascinating character study on Alastor. Impeccable writing, and there is currently one chapter left of part 3 AND I AM FOAMING AT THE MOUTH FOR IT???? This is a top!Alastor fic but Lucifer isn't like a pillow princess, my man is involved and so for me, it works well. I can't say enough about how WELL this author writes Alastor's voice. Again, not an easy feat imo.

5.) Radioapple Broadcast by blatantblue

Series: Complete. Rated: E. POV: Alastor for Part 1, Lucifer for Part 2, Alastor for Part 3. Genre: Canon Divergence/Post-Canon. Notable Warnings: None.

Notes: This was a positive JOY. Incredible writing and storytelling. Dom/sub undertones which is a huge plus for me, especially when Alastor is the sub. I reread this series often (and I usually am not a huge reread-er unless its been a while), but this is just a comfort fic, I think.

6.) Cataclysmic Cathechism by @wyldefire-writings

Series: Complete. Rated: E. POV: Lucifer. Genre: Canon Divergence/Post-Canon. Notable Warnings: MPreg.

Notes:

I am about to show my entire ass right now but this series. My LORD.

Not gonna lie, MPreg was actually a squick for me before I joined this fandom/ship, but after reading this fic specifically, I'm now like, Al, my deer, my main man, knock that KoH the fuck up. Honestly, this was such a ride, and both of the boys were written SO WELL. Also, this author has the funniest A/N's I've ever had the pleasure of reading.

7. Hunger Pains by @theaffablescamp

Series: In Progress. Rated: E. POV: Switches. Genre: Canon Divergence/Post-canon. Notable Warnings: None.

Notes:

Excellent writing and some very intriguing plot happening right now. Has arguably the most intense wing preening session I have ever read that legit lives rent free in my head. Another "slow burn but they're fucking the whole time" fic which is just delightful.

8.) machinations by fiveandnocents

Series: Complete. Rated: T-M. POV: Switches. Genre: Canon Divergence/Post-canon. Notable Warnings: None.

Notes:

AHH I love this so much. Essentially, Alastor strikes up a relationship with Lucifer, as a means to manipulate him AND THE IDIOT FALLS IN LOVE UGHHH. It's chef's kiss. Spectacular characterization, this could be canon, and I'd be like yep, this happens in season 2, haha.

9.) By Name by @eunicorne

Series: Complete. Rated: E. POV: Switches. Genre: Canon Divergence/Post-Canon. Notable Warnings: Gore, Consensual Murder? He regens, it's fine.

Notes:

So. I will continue to show my ass. As a note, I don't like violence/gore for violence's sake but when there are BDSM undertones and aftercare, I'm a fucking goner. This was one of my first dives into very dark aspects of radioapple, and I.. my brain chemistry has been altered by this series.

10.) imagine being loved by me by deliciously deviant

Series: In-Progress. Rated: E. POV: Switches. Notable Warnings: Gore, Consensual Cannibalism, I have never met a deader dove.

Notes:

Incredible writing and character voices BUT HOLY SHIT not for the weak or even average stomach. Again, I am soft for the whole, "I'm gonna cause you pain that you want/need to get out of your head" and I feel like I couldn't leave this rec out just bc of the content matter, but I am serious, read at your own risk.

AND THERE YOU HAVE IT. If you have any series recs of your own, feel free to share in the comments!

I also have my top 10 Multi-Chaptered (non-series) and top 10 oneshots recs list in my drafts rn, I'll be posting those in the next few days!

[sansaorgana]

Hey ! I really enjoyed all the fics you wrote about Master Of The Air, that's why i am here now, i wondered if you can write a fic about John Eagan, maybe with some angst, or jealousy type of thing, if you're not confortable with this, i leave it up to your imagination to just write a story about John please !

Thank you in advance, have a great rest of your day !

hi, love! thank you for your request 🥰 I wrote a story of Bucky being in love for the first time with a girl he met at the base and he's jealous of her being friends with Buck lol 😅 I hope it's okay 💝

You met Bucky at the base in England where you worked as an archivist and he was one of the best pilots. Lots of ladies talked about Major John Egan because he was brave, handsome and charming. A real flirt. You were no different than the other women and you had a thing for him as well, so when he asked you to dance at one of the parties, you agreed immediately and you spent the whole evening dancing and laughing together. You shared similar humour – yours was definitely not very ladylike but he loved it. In fact, he loved everything about you so much that he developed a crush on you.

From that party, he was always following you around and looking you up and down, winking at you here and there to which you rolled your eyes with a chuckle. You enjoyed that attention from him even though he wasn’t the only man you were talking to. You had made quite a few friends at that base. Some of them hadn’t come back from the missions – those were the losses you were grieving. But some of them were still there. Like Major Cleven. He was very kind and a real gentleman.

Bucky watched with squinted eyes every time you interacted with his best friend. The way you laughed, the way your eyes sparkled, the way he would make you smile. And Bucky was analysing every single detail about you when you were around him – were you the same or did you seem to be more happy and cheerful around Buck? Bucky didn’t like that thought because deep down he knew that it would make more sense. A valuable woman like you would like a man like his best friend more. Bucky’s middle name was trouble and he drank a little too much, he was loud and a flirt. Nothing about him screamed that he was ready to settle down with a nice lady like you. Still, the ugly jealousy took over him because it was stronger than him. 

Buck could have been his best friend but it didn’t change the fact that Bucky had started liking you romantically first. He wouldn’t give up so easily.

He watched Buck nodding his head at you and then you walked away as Buck approached Bucky standing by the wall.

“What were you talking about?” Bucky asked and Buck raised his eyebrows, surprised.

“What do you mean?”

“What were you talking about with (Y/N)?” Bucky repeated the question, his voice a little harsh.

“Nothing serious, just some details about the paperwork,” Buck shrugged his arms, visibly surprised about the questions.

“And it’s so funny? The paperwork?” Bucky rolled his eyes as he crossed his arms.

“What do you mean funny?” Buck was getting more and more confused as he leaned on the wall and watched his friend’s expressions carefully.

“You were laughing,” Bucky pointed out and gritted his teeth.

“Yeah, we’re friends. Not like I’m with you but I like talking to her,” Buck explained. “You don’t? I thought you danced with her for the whole evening the other day? Why don’t you like it when I talk to (Y/N)?”

“You want to take her out on a date?” Bucky looked deep into Buck’s eyes.

“Wh-what? No,” Buck shook his head. “She’s… She’s nice but… Are you playing a matchmaker now, Bucky, come on,” he laughed nervously. “Wait, she mentioned me? She said she liked me?” He scratched himself behind his neck and Bucky’s heart skipped a beat at that.

“What? You’re interested in her? What if she mentioned that she was into you, what then?” His eyes widened.

“I mean… I could take her out, yeah,” Buck nodded. “That’s not something I’ve been thinking of but…”

“Forget it,” Bucky interrupted him, irritated. “She didn’t mention you,” he added and walked away just like that, leaving his friend confused.

Bucky felt bad about treating his best friend this way. Buck was the last person he wanted to argue with or hurt. However, he couldn’t help his little jealousy tantrum. He sat next to Buck during dinner but his friend didn’t even look at him.

“Sorry for earlier,” he mumbled. “I didn’t mean to snap like that.”

“It’s alright,” Buck smiled softly – kind as always. “Just… Explain,” he added.

“Well, I’m interested in her. Like, for real. But it makes more sense that she’d rather date you,” Bucky confessed with a shrug of his arms and Buck’s eyes widened. “Yeah, go on, make fun of me. Who would have thought, huh? That I’d fall in love…”

“No, you don’t understand,” Buck grinned. “I am so happy for you.”

“Happy? It’s not like I have any real chance. She’s such an amazing woman and I’m… Well, I am what I am. We both know what I’m like,” Bucky whined as he played with the food on his table. He felt like a complete loser and he didn’t like it.

Why was he like that all of sudden? He was a charming flirt usually – always had it easy with women. But with you… With you it was different. Perhaps because with you it was for real, it was serious. And with that, he didn’t have any experience.

“Remember when you asked about (Y/N) and me laughing? Wanna know what we were laughing about?” Buck raised an eyebrow and Bucky nodded, still looking down at his plate. “We were talking about you. She couldn’t stop talking about you. Telling me things about you and asking me to tell her funny stories with you. She wanted to know more and more. And her eyes sparkled whenever your name was mentioned,” Buck told his friend.

Bucky raised his head and looked at his friend’s face. Well… Now it made sense… Somehow… 

“I’ve made a fool out of myself, haven’t I?” He swallowed thickly and Buck laughed.

“We all make fools out of ourselves for love. And don’t worry, you’ve only done that in front of me and I’ll keep your secret,” he patted Bucky’s arm. “Look, she’s staring at us even now,” he pointed discreetly at you, sitting by another table with other ladies. Indeed, you were glancing at them.

Bucky stood up without thinking, encouraged by Buck’s pats on his back and he walked over to you, not minding the fact that lots of people were looking at him as he was making his way to you. You looked up with widened eyes, a little anxious but still excited. And there was that sparkle in your eye that Bucky had noticed before. He felt relieved at the sight of it.

“Hi,” you greeted him awkwardly.

“Hi,” he answered and fixed his hair. “Wanna go on a walk with me after dinner? Just around the base,” he explained, trying to be nonchalant as he hid his hands inside his pockets.

“Sure,” you nodded. “I’ll be waiting for you by the door.”

“See you then,” Bucky winked at you and turned around to go back to eat his plate of food as fast as possible. He didn’t want to keep you waiting for long.

When he was done, he rushed to the bathroom to freshen himself a little and fix his hair with a small comb that was in his pocket. And when he was feeling presentable enough, he left the bathroom and went over to the meeting spot, trying not to walk too fast and act cool.

You were leaning on the wall and playing with your fingers when he walked over to you.

“Hi again,” he greeted you and you smiled.

“Hi,” you raised your eyebrows at him. “So�� You wanted to take a walk, right? Wanna talk about something?”

You walked out of the building and took a turn to one of the paths. He looked at you and hummed to himself at how pretty you were and how unusually shy at that moment – just like him.

“We had fun the other night, am I right? I mean… The dancing,” he cleared his throat before he spoke finally.

“Yeah,” you nodded and kicked a small stone in front of you. Bucky watched it rolling over before he spoke up again.

“I was thinking… I was thinking maybe we should take a weekend off, both of us… Go somewhere nice… Together? Nothing indecent,” he promised and it felt weird to even say that. He had never made such a promise to any woman.

“Yeah, I’d like that,” you bit on your lower lip and looked at his face. “Can I ask you something?”

“Go on,” he took a deep breath in.

“What were you arguing with Buck earlier today? I saw it from the corner of my eye and don’t get me wrong but you two are like… Inseparable.”

Bucky laughed nervously as he shook his head.

“It’s funny that you’re asking because we had a fight because of you. Well, kind of. I was just jealous of him talking to you and all that,” he admitted, anxiously awaiting for your reaction.

“Jealous of me?” You asked in disbelief. “Gee, Bucky, you should have known by now that men like Buck Cleven are not my type. He’s making an amazing friend, though,” you admitted.

“He is,” Bucky agreed and extended his hand out as he took the risk. After a short while of hesitation, you took it gently into yours and he could feel the corners of his lips curling up. His usual smug smirk was back on his face and you chuckled. “What?” He asked.

“Nothing, I just like you like this the most,” you admitted. “When you’re a bit goofy.”

“And when I’m trouble?”

“I like you then, too. Even when you drink a bit too much. Buck told me about that unicorn…” You chuckled and Bucky laughed out loud. “But he doesn’t know the details. Would you tell me one day?” You pleaded and Bucky looked down at your face lovingly.

Of course he would. He would tell you everything from now on. You had his heart and yes, it was scary and he had never been in love like that. But it was also exciting and it was healing in a way. He enjoyed it.

“Only if you promise that you won’t tell him,” he teased playfully.

“I promise,” you squeezed his hand tighter.

The sun was setting already and you found yourselves in the back of one of the hangars, completely alone. Bucky took a step ahead to make you trapped between the wall and his body before cupping your face and placing a gentle kiss on your lips. He broke it fast and furrowed his brows to watch your reaction.

“What? That was it?” You mocked him in a playful manner and he grinned widely before joining your lips together again but this time for a big, passionate kiss.

The first one out of many that you two would share. And the way you kissed him back – with all the fire, hunger and devotion – made him realise he had no reasons to be jealous at all.

MASTERLIST

[apoloadonisandnarcissus]

No, “Evil” doesn’t “loves only Itself” in Tolkien lore

One quote in particular that gets thrown around a lot when discussing Sauron x Galadriel is “evil loves only itself” because Charlie Vickers mentioned it in one of his interviews. The “Rings of Power” fandom atributes this to Tolkien. But is it really?

This quote is not from Tolkien. Nor Charlie ever said it was, he refers the correct author on his interview, so I don’t know why folks keep taking his words out of context.

He [Sauron] offers to make her [Galadriel] his queen. Is that a marriage proposal?

That’s something I thought about a lot, but I don’t think so. W.H. Auden wrote an essay on Tolkien, and he said something along the lines of, “Evil loves only itself.” [“Evil, defiantly chosen, can no longer imagine anything but itself.”] So I think in his pitch to Galadriel, it cannot mean that he loves her or that there’s any kind of romantic relationship. There should be no ambiguity around the fact that Sauron is evil — he’s terrible, and he’s using Galadriel to enhance his power.

Now, what Charlie is doing here is trolling. Because he knows Tolkien letters, and has studied them as preparation for his role as Sauron. This fact is mentioned in this very interview: you once mentioned that you found useful things in Tolkien’s letters, although you didn’t specify which ones.

And so, Charlie is perfectly aware that “evil loves only itself” was written by W.H. Auden on his essay about the nature of Good and Evil, when reviewing “Return of the Ring”, in 1956. And he’s also perfectly aware that Tolkien didn’t subscribe to this way of thinking, at all.

Tolkien Letter 183 is the reply to Auden’s essay and his wild takes of “evil loves only itself”. In this letter, Tolkien not only disagrees with Auden’s views of his work, but denies them, entirely:

There are also conflicts about important things or ideas. In such cases I am more impressed by the extreme importance of being on the right side, than I am disturbed by the revelation of the jungle of confused motives, private purposes, and individual actions (noble or base) in which the right and the wrong in actual human conflicts are commonly involved. If the conflict really is about things properly called right and wrong, or good and evil, then the rightness or goodness of one side is not proved or established by the claims of either side; it must depend on values and beliefs above and independent of the particular conflict.

A judge must assign right and wrong according to principles which he holds valid in all cases. That being so, the right will remain an inalienable possession of the right side and Justify its cause throughout. (I speak of causes, not of individuals. Of course to a judge whose moral ideas have a religious or philosophical basis, or indeed to anyone not blinded by partisan fanaticism, the rightness of the cause will not justify the actions of its supporters, as individuals, that are morally wicked. But though 'propaganda' may seize on them as proofs that their cause was not in fact 'right', that is not valid. The aggressors are themselves primarily to blame for the evil deeds that proceed from their original violation of justice and the passions that their own wickedness must naturally (by their standards) have been expected to arouse. They at any rate have no right to demand that their victims when assaulted should not demand an eye for an eye or a tooth for a tooth.)

Similarly, good actions by those on the wrong side will not justify their cause. There may be deeds on the wrong side of heroic courage, or some of a higher moral level: deeds of mercy and forbearance. A judge may accord them honour and rejoice to see how some men can rise above the hate and anger of a conflict; even as he may deplore the evil deeds on the right side and be grieved to see how hatred once provoked can drag them down. But this will not alter his judgement as to which side was in the right, nor his assignment of the primary blame for all the evil that followed to the other side.

In my story I do not deal in Absolute Evil. I do not think there is such a thing, since that is Zero. I do not think that at any rate any 'rational being' is wholly evil.

This is Tolkien, very eloquently, telling Auden to f*ck off with his basic and narrow views of Good vs. Evil, because he’s misunderstanding what Tolkien actually wrote on his books. And this was a grievance Tolkien, himself, had:

Some reviewers have called the whole thing simple-minded, just a plain fight between Good and Evil, with all the good just good, and the bad just bad. Pardonable, perhaps (though at least Boromir has been overlooked) in people in a hurry, and with only a fragment to read, and, of course, without the earlier written but unpublished Elvish histories. But the Elves are not wholly good or in the right.

Tolkien Letter 154

Some critics seem determined to represent me as a simple-minded adolescent, inspired with, say, a With-a-Flag-to-Pretoria spirit, and willfully distort what I say in my tale. I have not that spirit, and it does not appear in the story.

Notes on Letter 183 (still about Auden’s essay)

Charlie is very much aware of Tolkien response, and he knows that, in Tolkien legendarium, evil can love and it doesn’t make any less evil, because Tolkien doesn’t deal with absolute evil in his world, nor is Sauron pure evil; as I already talked about in this post.

Why did Charlie say these things, then? Probably to avoid spoiling the story of the show, where Sauron is in love with Galadriel.

[gojos-thot-patrol]

Now Presenting...

Starring Frat Boy!Sukuna and Virgin!Reader

A modern day college AU in which the reader is a young adult just now starting to shrug off their sheltered youth. And Sukuna is more than excited and willing to help lift that burden off your shoulders. Warning: this fic contains smut, loss of virginity, drinking, enemies to lovers, fingering, cunnilingus, semi-public sex, use of pet names and unprotected sex. Reader discretion is Advised ;p

Honestly, you really could not believe you dated this dunce. You remembered the break up like a trauma. Staring at his popcorn ceiling as he told you he simply couldn’t get past the fact you didn't want to sleep with him. He didn’t want to be with a prude. At the time, it crushed you. But now, as you sat at your desk, pouring red ink over every love letter he ever sent you, you couldn’t help but feel thankful you didn’t lose your virginity to him.

“What are you doing?” Your roommate asked as she walked into your shared dorm.

“Grading my ex’s love letters.” You said without looking away from your task. The awkward beat of silence that followed proved that she was not expecting that answer.

“Why?” She asked. You simply shrugged. To grieve, you guessed? 

“I felt the overwhelming need to correct his grammar.” You could hear her ask why again before she asked it. “I plan on sending them back.”

“You really need to get laid.” Your roommate laughed.

“He hasn’t gotten higher than a d on any of these.” You muttered, “A d Mei.”

“You need some D” Mei chuckled, going and sitting on her bed. “I could get you laid ya know.”

“I don't want to get laid.” You reminded her. That wasn’t quite true. You did want to get laid, you just wanted to do it on your own terms and you didn’t think that was a lot to ask for!

“Well do you wanna come to a party with me tonight?” Mei asked with a smug smirk. “Alpha Beta Omega house is hosting a party tonight, you should come! ABO has all the hottest guys ya know.” You did know, and while the thought was rather enticing, you were never really big on partying. You came to college to get your degree for fucks sake!

“I don’t know Mei,” you sighed, “I hate parties…”

“Oh come on, it’ll be fun!” Mei tried to sell it. “Please! Don’t let me go alone, that would be a dick move, ya know?” She pouted, giving you the puppy dog eyes that roped you into every party you had been to since starting school. You sighed in irritation, knowing it was useless to keep fighting.

“I’ll think about it, okay?”

♥️♥️♥️

Ryomen had no fucking idea what he was thinking when he signed up for an 8 am class, but if he could kick his past self’s ass, he would. He didn’t think he had been on time for this class even once. He tried everything to wake himself up. Putting his phone on the other side of the room, sleeping with the curtains open, drinking vodka instead of whiskey, all of it was about as effective as putting dry socks on a drowning man. 

He walked into class already twenty minutes late. He felt all eyes fall on him, which was fair considering he had interrupted the lecture. He ignored it though, confidently and nonchalantly walking to the nearest empty chair. A chair that just so happened to be next to you. 

You felt your heart do level 11 gymnastics in your chest as the Ryomen Sukuna sat next to you. You hated how attracted you were to him. He was everything your parents had ever forbid you from going near. 6 '4 and nothing but a wall of muscle, you couldn’t help but feel like his face full of sharp tattoos just emphasized how soft his puppy-dog-eyes were. It made you want to run your fingers through his soft pink hair. 

Suddenly, your keyboard had become the most interesting thing in the world. Your eyes burned holes into your computer as you prayed that Ryomen wouldn’t look at you, or worse talk to you. You found him attractive, yea, but you also knew he was bad news. He was a member of the ABO fraternity and was known for being a womanizing piece of shit who often defaulted to calling you “woman” when he forgot your name. The man was a walking talking red flag factory and to desire him was to desire madness and hurt. You should want nothing to do with him.

And yet.

“Hey, do you have the notes?” Ryomen asked, looking at you from the corners of his eyes and ho-ly shit. Fuck whatever the fuck the professor was going on about, you now had his full attention. He fully turned to you, taking you all in. If Ryomen had to describe his dream woman, he would simply pull up a picture of you. A reluctant innocence clung to you, begging him to find the delinquent underneath it all. He didn’t know what he was thinking, signing up for an 8 am class, but he would kiss his past self if he could.

“Yea, for sure.” You muttered, biting your lip as you pulled up your email. He showed you his laptop so you could get his email straight from the source, and thanks to technology, he had the notes in seconds.

“Thanks, you’re a lifesaver.” He smiled, showing his unusually sharp canines. You thought that you were done with this interaction, thankfully, but then he kept going. “So, are you going to the ABO party tonight?”  He asked. 

“I don’t know,” You shrugged, “Parties aren’t really my thing.” Of course, you probably spent most of your life sheltered, too scared to disappoint your parents to ever rebel. Ryomen wanted your rebellion more than he wanted to pass his finals. 

“You should go,” Ryomen whispered, “I bet you’d be really popular.”

“Yea, and by that you mean men would be drooling over how bad they want to fuck me, right?” You scoffed, forgetting yourself. He did in fact mean that by the way, but this response from you is not what he expected. You kept him on his toes. You intrigued him. “Now, just why do you think I’d want that?” You asked.

“So you’re worried about creepy dudes?” Ryomen asked, raising an eyebrow. “Alright then, Come with me then. Be my date.” He smiled that fang filled smile that was quickly burning its way into your heart.

“No.” You said plainly.

“Oh come on,” he damn near begged, “You get to go and have fun without the fear of creeps, because I’ll be protecting you, and I get to show up with a beautiful woman on my arm, it’s a win-win!” You weren’t sure when it happened, but class had ended and others were leaving.

“And just how do you plan to protect me from creepy guys when you are the creepy guy?” You challenged.

“By out creeping them.” Okay, even you had to admit that was funny. Ryomens smile widened as he realized he had gotten you to laugh. He won. 

“Ryomen, let’s go!” Someone called for him. Ryomen looked to the door and found his friends standing there waiting for him, Geto looking particularly annoyed. “We’re going to be late for class.” Geto said, annoyance dripping from him. 

He quickly scribbled down his number into his notebook, ripping the page and putting it on your computer. “Just think about it and call me, yea? I’m excited to take you.” He winked as he rushed to join his friends. 

You stared at the number for a few seconds after he left. You felt like the number was taunting you, yes, but also enticing you. It showed you a night of fun, excited passion that you had never experienced before but so desperately missed. It showed you a taste of freedom and rebellion. Doing something bad, knowing it was bad, and doing it anyway because it was so intoxicating. It showed you everything you wanted and more. 

You threw it in the trash on your way out the door.

♥️♥️♥️

You sighed as you stared at yourself in the mirror. The white tennis skirt Mei Mei had picked out was far shorter than you wanted, and the pink sweater was far tighter. You tried to put on a pair of stockings to compensate for the shortness of the skirt, but, all they did was accentuate your legs. You couldn’t believe Mei had convinced you to go to this stupid party. 

I mean, you could. It wasn’t hard, she offered to do your calculus homework for a week, you would have killed your mother to get out of having to do calculus for a week. But when you agreed to let her pick out the outfit, you had never expected—or prepared—to wear something so….

Sexy. That's the word you had been looking for, you looked sexy. You had never really dressed up before, sweatpants and t-shirts were typically your uniform. You were surprised at the way your body worked for you when you let it.

“Are you ready yet?!” Mei asked 

“Yea, I’m coming.” You said, finally pulling yourself away from the mirror and joining Mei by the door. She gave you another once over, smiling in satisfaction as she did. The outfit she’d picked out had really come together. 

“You look good,” She nodded. 

“Thanks,” You shrugged, trying to hide your slight embarrassment. You weren’t used to compliments. Mei nodded one last time before ushering you out the door. 

“Hey, Mei?” You asked as the two of you started the walk to the ABO Frat house. 

“What’s up Y/n?” She asked.

“You’re not going to leave me alone, right? Like, we’re actually gonna hang out and protect each other tonight?” Mei gave you the warmest, most reassuring smile you had ever seen.

“Of course Y/n. I won’t leave your side for even a second.”

♥️♥️♥️

You regretted every decision you had ever made in your life that led to you coming to this party. The music was way too loud, the drinks were way too strong (thanks Nanami), and the people were way too obnoxious. Mei had abandoned you almost the moment the two of you had walked in the door, making you realize you really needed to get better friends. It wouldn’t have been that bad, except some asshole that smelled like corpse had decided, against your will, he was taking you home tonight.

He wouldn’t leave you alone. You’d tried everything, complete disinterest, telling him you had a boyfriend, hell even telling him you were gay! Nothing would deter him. You even tried to go to the bathroom to try and lose him and he just fucking waited for you outside the bathroom door. This Mahito motherfucker was really starting to freak you out.

“You’re really pretty, you know that?” The ragdoll yelled in your ear, sending a fog of rotten breath over your face. You didn’t hide the disgust you felt as you looked for an out— any—to get out of this situation. 

“What do you say you and I get outta here?” He asked. As he did, he put a singular hand on your waist. The moment he did, your head filled with sirens and screaming, every true crime podcast you had ever heard, willingly or not, replayed through your head and you were never more sure that this man had women tied up in his basement. Your adrenaline spiked as you looked for any way to get him to properly fuck off.

Ah-ha!

“Babe!” You yelled, all smiles and cheer as you ripped yourself away from Mahito and ran to Ryomen. Mahito followed, like the idiot he was, but this time you somehow knew you’d be fine. Ryomen looked confused at first, then noticed the corpse walking with you and it all clicked. He smiled back at you, more warmly than you ever expected, 

“Hey! Babygirl!” He called out, holding out his arm so you could bury yourself into his side. The girl he was talking to was very very confused, but decided to remove herself from the situation before she got caught up in any drama. Shout out to her.

“I’ve been looking everywhere for you, where’ve you been?” He asked, leaning down and kissing your forehead to really sell it. You considered slapping him, but, figured that would break the illusion, so you settled for giggling instead. 

“I’ve been trying to get rid of this creep.” You said, your eyes darting from Mahito to Ryomen in a very Help Me way. Ryomen looked at Mahito and all of the warmth instantly left him. It sent chills up your spine to watch him go from joking smiles to cold stares. The light left his eyes as they narrowed and you were sure his features somehow got sharper. Or maybe that was the tattoos.

“Have you been fucking with my girl?” he asked. The emphasis he put on “mine” sent chills of a different kind through you. Oh, you liked that. You really liked that. You pressed your thighs together to try and take your mind off the feelings between them, and took a drink of your vodka redbull to try and cool down. It didn’t work. 

“Well, I- I mean, I-” 

“I-I-I.” Sukuna mocked, “You didn’t have any trouble talking to my girlfriend all night, why’re you having trouble now?” Danger radiated off of Sukuna like a match in a room full of methane, waiting to be lit. It was the kind of danger that drew you in, no matter how much you resisted. It felt inevitable. “Come on man, if you’re going to be a fucking creep you might as well say it with your chest.”

“I’m not a creep!” Mahito tried to argue.

“That's not what she said,” Ryomen said, holding you just a little bit tighter, sending sparks throughout your body again. “So what, you’re calling her a liar?”

“Well, no, I-”

“You say I alot.” Sukuna said, taking a sip of his drink to really show off his disinterest. “You know what I think?” He asked. “I think that you should get the fuck out and go the fuck home before I rip your larynx out of you via your asshole.” He threatened. It was such a ridiculous tough guy line that normally you would have laughed, but, somehow he sold it hook, line, and sinker. You could see that fact alone in the now bleached white face of Mahito. 

Sukuna looked into his cup, determining he was going to need a refill. “You have exactly 45 seconds to leave before I turn you into pie filling.” He said without looking at the smaller man. He finished his drink and looked back at him. “45, 44, 39-”

The count down did its job wonderfully. Mahitos ass was kicked into high gear. You could see in his eyes he was hearing the same sirens you were earlier as he ran to find the front door, desperate to get as far away from the monster that was holding you as soon as possible. You, on the other hand, were feeling the exact opposite effect. You wanted to be even closer to him than ever.

“So, why didn’t you call me?” Ryomen asked, looking down at you. Somehow, all the ice in his eyes had defrosted, leaving him with his warm puppy dog ones. You realized that you were in danger rather quickly and detangled yourself from his arm. 

“Oh, because I threw it away.” You smiled. The liquor you had been drinking was officially flowing through your veins, and quite frankly, you didn’t really care about decorum. Ryomen blinked at you, fully processing what you said.

“Why?” He asked. 

“Because, while you may not be a creep, Ryomen, you’re still a womanizing fuck boy that never had any real intention of starting a relationship with me. Am I right?” You asked, batting your pretty eyelashes at him. Ryomen couldn’t help but smirk. Damn, you really had him pegged, didn’t you? He was growing fonder and fonder of you by the minute. 

“You’re right.” He admitted, taking a step closer to you, “But, I gotta say, I respect you having the balls to say it to my face. Makes me think you might actually be worth getting to know.” Which was the closest Ryomen could ever get to saying ‘I find you at least intriguing and would actually be interested in a relationship.’ You just smirked at him and hummed. 

“But are you worth getting to know?” You asked. Before he could answer, Mei had suddenly returned from the astral plane, you fucking guessed. Of course she would be nowhere to be found when you needed her, but show up to ruin things right as they get interesting. 

“Y/n!” She laughed as she came downstairs, “We’re playing seven minutes in heaven upstairs, you gotta come play!” She said, giggling as she grabbed your arm.

“I can think of nothing more opposed to my soul.” You said plainly, taking your arm back. “Getting sweaty in a dark closet with a stranger? Sounds like hell.”

“Sounds pretty fun to me.” Ryomen said. It was a dangerous gamble, but if the cards were on his side he could just end up being the stranger getting sweaty with you in a dark closet. 

“You would, mega creep.” You scoffed, semi-jokingly.

“Come on Y/n, what's the worst that happens? You end up making awkward chit chat for seven minutes in a closet? Come on!” Mei groaned.

“If they make you uncomfortable, yell herpes and I’ll come kill them for you.” Sukuna offered. “Your safe word is herpes?” You questioned. 

“Can you think of anything that kills the mood faster than the thought of herpes?” Ryomen asked. Alright, fair enough Ryomen. 

“Come on Y/n, please come play? It’ll be fun!” Mei begged. You sighed, wondering when you planned to stop making bad decisions tonight.

“Okay, fine. I’ll play.” You groaned while both of your companions cheered. In a flurry, you were being whisked away up the stairs, both of them trying to get you in the game before you had a chance to back out. You were reminded once again that you hated college parties, walking into a smoke filled dorm room lit by led lights and adorned with a weed pride flag. 

“Love that you can tell what part of this room was decorated by Gojo and what was decorated by Geto.” Mei laughed as she led you to a group of young adults sitting in a circle. 

“Overhead lights are the devil!” Gojo yelled, throwing a chip into his mouth. A not at all shocking amount of people in the group of (Probably neurodiverse) stoners agreed with him in hums and cheers. You sat down next to him, Mei sitting on the other side of you and Ryomen  taking a free spot in the circle somewhere across from you. 

“Who’s in the closet now?” Sukuna asked. As if summoned by his question, Nanami and Shoko walked out of the closet, both of them on their phones. 

“Geto’s turn.” Shoko said. Mei scoffed at them both.

“Weren't you making drinks, Nanami?” Mei asked as Geto spun the bottle.

“I was..” Nanami assured her, “I got bored.” The bottle landed on Gojo, and everyone let out childish woos and whistles. Geto and Gojo both grinned like fools as they rushed to the closet, the two of them always excited to feel each other up. Honestly their participation in this game took you a bit by surprise. What if one member of the couple didn’t get the other?

“God they need to just get together already.” Ryomen muttered, rolling his eyes. What?! They weren't together?! Before you could express your shock, a very loud, very breathy moan left the closet door, filling you with second hand embarrassment for the two. The rest of the crowd ate that shit up though, shouting encouragement and wolf whistling. Even Ryomen was laughing with the crowd when he caught your eyes.

He raised an eyebrow at you. “What? Voyeurism not your thing?”

You looked at him in annoyance. “Why would it be anyone's thing?”

He shrugged in response. “Performance is performance. People will do anything for attention.”

You raised an eyebrow at him now. “Would you do anything for attention?”

He smirked at you. “I’d do anything for your attention.”

Your silent conversation was interrupted by another loud moan, this time courtesy of Geto, and the crowd went wild again, shouting vulgarities at them. You began to wonder if this was typical of them, or if they were— as Ryomen suggested— putting on a performance. You got your answer as the timer rang, marking their seven minutes as up. They exited the closet with a flourish, bowing for the crowd and showing off their messed up clothes and hair. Was this the appeal of seven minutes in heaven? You didn’t understand party games.

“Alright Ryo, your go.�� Geto laughed, giving fistbumps and highfives while he sat down. Ryomen rolled his eyes. “Don’t call me that, Gene Simmons” He growled at him, before giving you one last look and spinning the bottle. You were mildly curious to see where the bottle would land, already feeling bad for whatever poor schmuck that got locked in a closet with him. 

And then the bottle landed on you. Cheers and hollars surrounded and pounded in your ears. Your body was in super-hyper-defense mode which…was really just an oncoming panic attack. Of all the people you imagined being shoved in a closet with, Ryomen Sukuna had never crossed your mind. You were going to be in a small, confined space with him, all alone, where you’re literally expected to at least make out. You were electrified back to life as a hand fell in front of your face.

You looked up and saw the hand was attached to the grinning face of Ryomen, fireworks exploding behind his eyes. “You coming baby girl?” He asked with a wink. You didn’t have to. You could have turned tail and run away, out of the party and back to your dorm. That was actually what you probably should do, it was the safe option! The one that would make your mother proud. 

You took his hand, sending the crowd into yet another tizzy. But this time, you heard none of it, your mind focused entirely on Ryomen. He squeezed your hand reassuringly as he led you to the closet and smiled almost comfortingly. You didn’t know his smile could be comforting, thanks to the fangs, but it was. All of it felt very…off, coming from Ryomen, probably the least comforting person at your school.

He pulled you into the closet, pulling you close to his chest as he pulled the door closed. A lot of pulling was going on. You braced yourself for war, for him to kiss you. You closed your eyes tight, feeling your entire body tense but…nothing came. He didn’t kiss you. In fact, he let go of you. You opened your eyes just to see him leaning against the wall of the closet, staring at you with his hands in his pockets.

“You…didn’t kiss me?” You questioned, just for him to raise an eyebrow in confusion.

“No? You didn’t want me to.” You weren’t sure why, but that assertion upset you. How dare he claim to know what you wanted?! You didn’t even know what you wanted!

“You don’t know that.” you scoffed, causing him to laugh.

“Oh please,” He shriveled into what (You hoped) as an overly dramatized rendition of your body language from seconds before, “Doesn’t necessarily scream ‘Kiss Me’.” He chuckled to himself, shaking his head. You crossed your arms, but, you knew he was right.

“It’s just…I’ve never done this before.” You tried to explain. 

“You’ve never been kissed?” He seemed genuinely shocked.

“No, dipshit, I’ve kissed people before! I’ve just never played seven minutes in heaven.”

“Oh, yea I could kinda tell,” He admitted with a shrug, “You scream sheltered kid. I bet even now, as a grown ass adult you’re still too scared to rebel against mommy.” The way he said “mommy” struck you. It was soaked in condescension and mockery. You hated that he was right. You hated that despite the fact you were fully grown getting a college degree, you still heard your mothers voice in the back of your head every time you wanted to do something even a little bit rebellious. You were willing to bet no one else had that! You bet Ryomen didn’t have that.

“I am not!” you lied to him.

“Oh yea?” He challenged.

“Yea!” You asserted.

“Then prove it. Kiss me.” he said. Ryomens eyes burned into yours as he stepped forward, slowly closing the already small gap between you. His presence was intense and all consuming and hot. You could feel him burning you away from the inside out, as if he was a raging inferno and you were just a piece of tissue paper caught in his wake. He had a smirk that just screamed I know I just won and it drove you crazy because he was right! He was either right or he got the kiss you knew he’d been chasing all night. Well fuck it. There was only one way for you to win here too.

You wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him into a kiss. Ryomen didn’t skip a beat, pulling you even closer to him and pushing you against the wall, the soft thud sending the drunken crowd outside the door into hysterics. Your fingers tangled in his hair and his hands slid up your shirt to grab your bare skin. He bit your lip, making you gasp and giving him room to deepen the kiss.

Your head was spinning with excitement and panic, your breathing becoming harsher by the minute as he moved to kiss your neck. Your ex had never kissed you like this before. So desperate to have you, as if you were the most desirable being on the planet. It excited you, electrocuting your nervous system with every touch, pull, or bite. Despite your better judgment, a moan escaped you, sending the drunken crowd outside the closet into another bout of hysterics.

Your body reacted to him in ways that it had reacted to nobody else before, you needed him. He grabbed one of your thighs and rested it on his hip, his hand sliding under the hem of your skirt.

“Ryomen..” You moaned out, soft enough not to feed the masses.

“Say it again.” He purred.

“Ryomen.”

“That's seven!” Gojo called, pounding on the closet door, startling both you and Ryomen. He pulled away just in time for Gojo to pull the door open, a smug smirk plastered on his face. “You two love birds have fun?” He teased. Sukuna rolled his eyes, his annoyance with being interrupted evident.

“Not as much fun as you and your boy toy.” He scoffed, grabbing your hand and pulling you from the closet. The crowd of drunken young adults had grown, meaning the crowd of people wolf whistling and cheering (jeering?) had grown. Embarrassment exploded from your chest. What the hell were you thinking?! Kissing Ryomen?! You silently scolded yourself.

You didn’t even fully process that he had dragged you from the dormroom until you were in a new one, this one seemingly vacuumed sealed away from the party. The art on the wall queued you into the fact that this was probably the room Ryomen and Nanami shared. 

“Ryo?” You asked as he pulled you into the room and locked the door behind him.

“Nicknames now huh?” He chuckled, “That's cute.”

He locked the door. He locked the door. You may have been a sheltered kid, but you weren’t dumb. You knew what a locked door met at a frat party. The realization sparked your nervous system into high gear and you felt the need to press your thighs together again.

“I’ve never done this before.” You told him quickly.

“What, sex on a first date?” He asked, wrapping his arms around your waist again. You’d…hardly call this a fucking date, but that was an issue for later.

“No, sex.” You told him. He actually backed away.

“Really?” He asked, more shocked than you would have liked. “Hey, look we don’t have to-”

“I know we don’t.” You cut him off. “I want to.” He smirked almost proudly as he closed the gap between the two of you once again.

“I knew I liked you.” He purred. Before you had a chance to ask what that meant, his lips had crashed into yours, pulling you into another heated kiss. It was like the two of you physically couldn't get enough of each other, like you’d simply stop breathing if you weren’t kissing. It sent your head into a heated flurry, making you feel light. He pressed you into the bed, wrapping one of your legs around his hips as his hand slipped underneath your skirt, his fingers tracing the now translucent spot in your underwear. 

Another moan escaped you, sounding far more desperate than you would have liked. “Needy, are we?” Ryomen chuckled, pushing your panties to the side and running two fingers up and down your slit, collecting the sticky lube. You wanted him so bad it hurt. Your body felt flushed with hellfire and you couldn't help but wonder if he was this cocky with every girl he brought to his bed.

“Yea,” You moaned through a heavy breath, “You gonna take care of it, or whaa-” Your quip died in your throat as he buried two fingers into your weeping pussy, up to the knuckle without even a warning.

“What was that doll?” He teased, curling his fingers up to perfectly hit your g-spot and send you astral projecting into the ninth dimension. Was this what you were missing out on? Your hands fell to his shoulders, clinging to him for dear life as he curled his fingers again. This was a completely new type of pleasure for you, one you couldn’t get from your own fingers or a toy. You were hooked on it, you needed more of it. You started grinding down on his hand, chasing the high he was more than obliged to give you. 

“Feel good?” He purred. You nodded helplessly, your brain too mushy to make words. “Want to feel even better?” His smirk was wicked. You didn’t have time to process it though, or even answer the question before he removed your panties and ducked his head under your skirt, his lips quickly finding your clit. The new sensation was your tipping point. The fire in your veins overtook you, your head felt like it was made of cotton, and the tension that had been growing in you was reaching a breaking point.

“R-ryo,” You panted desperately, “I-its too much, I-” Your pleas for mercy are cut off as he slips another finger into you, shooting sharp tendrils of pleasure throughout your body, finding every last inch of you. Your brain was mush and your nerves on high alert, feeling every single one of the pink haired man's movements.

Your entire body felt tense as heat continued to pool in hot waves in your stomach, every curl of his fingers, every swipe of his tongue bringing you one step closer to the brink. You had never wanted anything so bad in your life. Your hands tangled in his hair, subconsciously pulling him closer to your needy cunt. Ryomen very much obliged, giving you everything you wanted and more.

“I-I, ah-!” all of the intense feelings were building into a crescendo inside of you, your small boat in the ocean of oxytocin and euphoria was capsizing. All at once your body seized, you thought you whined out his name but you weren’t sure. Pleasure came rolling over your entire body in seething waves, filling all of your senses and leaving you shaking like a chihuahua. 

“You're beautiful when you cum.” Had to be one of the weirdest compliments you had ever received. You lifted your head off the bed to see Ryomen wiping his mouth off. He stood up, taking off his shirt, and holy shit. You don’t know why the thought never occurred to you that the tattoos would be on his chest too. They covered his face, they were on his arms and wrists, why wouldn’t they be on his chest? It made you wonder where else they were.

“Enjoying the view?” He asked, knowing full and well you were. You looked away in embarrassment, just to feel him grab the hem of your sweater. “I showed you mine, let me see yours” He teased, pulling the pink top off of you. His reaction gave you your confidence back plus some. You felt emboldened by the way he beheld you, like you were Venus herself. You smirked as you took off your bra, exposing your chest to him.  

“Enjoying the view?” You asked. 

“Very much so.” he said in a rush before his eager, hot mouth wrapped around your right nipple, his hand coming up to play with the left. You had never imagined having your tits played with would feel so good. Maybe it was just the effect Ryomen had on you. But his actions left you whimpering softly under him, unconsciously bucking your hips to make some friction. He noticed the command he had over your body, the way you melted into him. He knew you were his, he just had to seal the deal. 

He pulled away, undoing his belt and jean buttons to free his cock. You bucked your hips at the view again, feeling your cunt clench around nothing. He was bigger than you expected, thick and long. You’d probably have been a little bit intimidated if you weren’t so desperate to feel that high again. He fisted himself with one hand and clumsily rubbed your sensitive nub with the other. But it wasn’t enough anymore, you needed him. 

“Ryo, please..”

“Please what Y/n?” He smirked. He knew exactly what you wanted. But, he wasn’t going to give it to you that easily.

“Ryomen, please, I need you.” You whined, not wanting to say it outloud.

“I’m right here baby girl, what do you need?” His grin was wicked and still full of mirth. You were starting to hate him again.

“Ryomen please, I need your cock, I need you, I need you to fuck me.” You blurted out all at once, your mouth moving faster than your mind did. His grin turned into a full on smile.

“Well, then why didn’t you just say that?” He laughed as he lined himself up with your soaking cunt.

“I di-AHH!” You screamed as he pushed his fat cock into you, the collision with your cervix jolting you into a state of hypersensitivity. You clung onto him desperately, your cunt clamping down around him, trying to push him out and pull him deeper all at the same time. You felt helplessly stretched out underneath him, your mind trying to find your body.

“Relax for me baby,” Ryomen moaned into your neck, kissing it softly. Easy for him to say! He wasn’t just impaled! You took deep, jagged breaths, to try and reregulate your fried nervous system. You took in the smell of pine and cigarettes, the almost comforting feeling of his body flush with yours, and the near tenderness of the kisses he was trailing along your neck. It was a beautiful caricature of intimacy, really.

Finally, you had relaxed enough around him for him to move. And move he did. To his credit, he tried to take it slow. He tried to be considerate of your virgin status (well…former virgin status) and not hurt you. But, Ryomen was not the slow gentle, “making love” type and before he knew it, he was chasing his high with a ferocity that left you weak under him. 

You weren’t complaining though. His thrusts were intoxicating, the curve of his dick hitting your g-spot with every thrust of his hips. He was stretching you to the point of delirium, feeling a rush of ecstasy every time he moved inside of your velvety walls. Your head was in heaven and your soul was in hell. Everything was all at once too hot and too cold, overwhelming. The waves of euphoria were building up inside of you again, a string tangling over itself again and again until it was taunt. 

One of his hands moved to massage at your clit again, coaxing your climax out of you with every stroke. You were speeding at 160 miles per hour off of a cliff and there was nothing you could do to stop it. Your mind was filled with nothing but Ryomen Ryomen Ryomen as electricity and pleasure coarse through your body. It felt like you were an electrical fire underneath him, no longer just tissue paper but an inferno in your own right.

“Ryomen, I’m-!”

“I know.” He said as he continued to chase both of your highs. The way your cunt clenched around him, pulling him back in with every thrust told him everything he needed to know. “Cum for me.”

Your body was under his command whether you liked it or not. You came undone around his cock, the string finally snapping as you drove off the cliff with no hesitation, and into your grave and erotic bliss, pleasure overtaking your body in waves. Your entire body shook under him as the intensity of your climax overcame you. He wasn’t far behind with the way your velvety walls were clenching around him, pulling his own orgasm from him. He came deep into your cervix, overflowing you and making you pray you wouldn’t have to deal with the consequences later.

You both stilled for a moment in the afterglow. As he pulled out and managed to collapse next to you, not on top of you. What did you do now? You could still hear the party raging outside of the door, but the last thing you wanted to do was rejoin it. You looked over at Ryomen, still trying to regulate his breath next to you.

You moved yourself to rest your head on his chest, figuring that was what couples do in movies after sex, right? For a second, you thought he was going to push you off. But, he didn’t. Quite the opposite really, he wrapped his arm around you, pulling you closer. 

“Sooo,” He said, finally breaking the silence, “Do you want my number again?”

・┆✦ʚ♡ɞ✦ ┆・Part 2 Out Now! ・┆✦ʚ♡ɞ✦ ┆・

[anghraine]

It's obvious that I'm adamantly opposed to the idea that Darcy does not deserve Elizabeth's good opinion/love, doesn't deserve his happy ending with her, is generally inferior to her, whatever.

I will say, however, that there is someone who has a good opinion of him that he does very little to earn. I think you could make a much better argument in that case that he doesn't really deserve it. And yet it's so endearing:

[Mrs Bennet:] “Mrs Long told me last night that he [Darcy] sat close to her for half an hour without once opening his lips.” “Are you quite sure, ma’am? Is not there a little mistake?” said Jane. “I certainly saw Mr Darcy speaking to her.” “Ay, because she asked him at last how he liked Netherfield, and he could not help answering her; but she said he seemed very angry at being spoke to.” “Miss Bingley told me,” said Jane, “that he never speaks much unless among his intimate acquaintance. With them he is remarkably agreeable.”

-

Jane's reaction to Wickham's story:

“Laugh as much as you choose, but you will not laugh me out of my opinion. My dearest Lizzy, do but consider in what a disgraceful light it places Mr Darcy, to be treating his father’s favourite in such a manner,—one whom his father had promised to provide for. It is impossible. No man of common humanity, no man who had any value for his character, could be capable of it."

Jane passing on Bingley's account:

"I am sorry to say that by his account, as well as his sister’s, Mr Wickham is by no means a respectable young man. I am afraid he has been very imprudent, and has deserved to lose Mr Darcy’s regard."

Jane after Wickham's story becomes common "knowledge":

Miss Bennet was the only creature who could suppose there might be any extenuating circumstances in the case unknown to the society of Hertfordshire: her mild and steady candour always pleaded for allowances, and urged the possibility of mistakes; but by everybody else Mr Darcy was condemned as the worst of men.

Jane after Elizabeth tells her about the Hunsford proposal:

She [Jane] was sorry that Mr Darcy should have delivered his sentiments in a manner so little suited to recommend them; but still more was she grieved for the unhappiness which her sister’s refusal must have given him.

Jane is so sad about how sad Darcy must be!

“His being so sure of succeeding was wrong,” said she [Jane], “and certainly ought not to have appeared; but consider how much it must increase his disappointment.”

Jane's response to hearing the truth about Wickham:

What a stroke was this for poor Jane, who would willingly have gone through the world without believing that so much wickedness existed in the whole race of mankind as was here collected in one individual! Nor was Darcy’s vindication, though grateful to her feelings, capable of consoling her for such discovery.

Jane still vicariously suffering for Darcy:

“Wickham so very bad! It is almost past belief. And poor Mr Darcy! dear Lizzy, only consider what he must have suffered. Such a disappointment! and with the knowledge of your ill opinion too! and having to relate such a thing of his sister! It is really too distressing, I am sure you must feel it so.”

Jane even points out that Darcy's general behavior and demeanor never struck her as all that bad:

[Elizabeth]: “There certainly was some great mismanagement in the education of those two young men. One has got all the goodness, and the other all the appearance of it.” [Jane]: “I never thought Mr Darcy so deficient in the appearance of it as you used to do.”

Elizabeth keeps so much of her relationship with Darcy hidden through the later novel that Jane doesn't have reason to say much about him, but after their engagement, Elizabeth worries about her family's response:

she anticipated what would be felt in the family when her situation became known: she was aware that no one liked him but Jane

When Elizabeth tells Jane about the engagement, Jane is shocked and baffled. Elizabeth assures her of her change in feeling, and adds:

"But are you pleased, Jane? Shall you like to have such a brother?” “Very, very much."

Jane continues to be worried that Elizabeth doesn't really love Darcy and wants details that she eventually does receive.

“Now I am quite happy,” said she, “for you will be as happy as myself. I always had a value for him. Were it for nothing but his love of you, I must always have esteemed him; but now, as Bingley’s friend and your husband, there can be only Bingley and yourself more dear to me."

Yes: Darcy is more dear to Jane than her father, mother, other three sisters, friends, and four uncles and aunts.

As for Darcy, he certainly likes and respects her. He describes her in the letter as amiable, cheerful, engaging, and explicitly excludes her from his criticisms of the Bennets. Back at Netherfield, he's noted as ignoring Miss Bingley to be polite towards Jane, and after his own engagement, he points out Elizabeth's care for Jane as early proof of her own goodness. Jane is one of only three characters he refers to by their first name alone by the end of the book (the others are Elizabeth and Georgiana).

So it's not that he doesn't appreciate her in his own way. I actually think the quiet rapport between them is really cute even though Jane is the person who suffers the most for Darcy's mistakes. But damn, Jane.

[dootznbootz]

I don't know about you, but I'm a bit mixed about Calypso in EPC. I mean, her songs are good, her singer's quite talented, so I don't have a problem... musically, at least.

But, story-wise, Calypso seems a bit too victim-like in my taste. "I'm not sorry for loving you" seems like it wants to make us sympathize with her and to consider her as Odysseus' friend.

While making her nuanced is interesting, the Epic fandom could be inclined to forget what she did to him in the Odyssey. And how miserable he was alongside her.

On the plus side, "Love in paradise" affirms she's the powerful one and Odysseus later confirms he doesn't love her romantically (plus Athena's 'he never cheated on his wife' line in "God games")

So it won't be detrimental for OdyPen 🥰.

What do you think ?

Oh, I'm definitely mixed about Calypso in Epic. As just like you said:

"While making her nuanced is interesting, the Epic fandom could be inclined to forget what she did to him in the Odyssey. And how miserable he was alongside her."

The Epic Fandom already DOES forget what happens in the Odyssey or think that they are the same thing. :/ I see stuff talking about Scylla in how Odysseus lights the torches and yet, it's tagged as "Odyssey". I love "light up six torches" as it's very dark but also very painful for Epic!Odysseus and that's really fun!

But I get saddened when people think that happened in the Odyssey ;~; as it's one of my favorite parts where Odysseus, knowing that Circe warned him, still goes to put on his armor to try and fight Scylla himself. He tried so fucking hard to save them. And they all grieved later on together. Eurylochus does mutiny in both but in the Odyssey, it isn't because of Scylla or anything. They were all just...Hungry ;~;

That's not even talking about how the Epic Fandom was when we only got the snippet of "There are other ways" ;~;

I still remember when there were jokes about how Odysseus is just like Hamilton and "Couldn't say No to this." Also Circe never did that to "protect her nymphs" in the Odyssey. She did it for funsies as she's a goddess and can do what she wants. That doesn't mean he was happy though.

I DO trust Jay to do well with Calypso's island. While I really am nervous about "I'm not Sorry for Loving you." like very nervous. I think HE'LL also make it clear that Odysseus isn't well or happy. As he has that cut song with the lyrics of:

"Is this some kind of trick? Pretending I can go Because if so, you're sick My heart's already broken"

So even though he cut that song because the beat and the music did NOT fit the situation, I'm very sure he'll have another like it showing Odysseus' despair and suffering.

I just... sighs I'm in a funky situation where I love Epic. I love it a lot. I think it's a genuinely good and fun retelling. I think while some spots are inaccurate, some are still really neat. I just get sad about this almost...disdain towards the actual Odyssey?

"Oh, Odysseus doesn't mention Penelope and Telemachus as much as he does in Epic-" Yes, he does. It's in so many of the metaphors and there's so many moments where he's clearly thinking about them. I love singing Penelope's name longingly too but an ancient epic poem is gonna be a lil different xD

"Oh Polites isn't really in it-" ...And?? That's okay. You enjoy Jay's character he created who really isn't in the Odyssey as much.

"Odysseus is such a manwhore in the Odyssey-" I am beating you over the head with a fucking rock.

Jay is clearly so fucking passionate and cares about this story so so much (he had a MENELAUS SONG (I grieve it's loss every day ;~; THEY CAN BOTH SIMP FOR THEIR HOT AF WIVES)) He had other characters planned!

But yeah ;~; I get so fucking sad every time someone talks about Epic being better than the Odyssey. Like even JAY wanted to clear that up that "hey, the Odyssey is really cool! I mean I wrote this because I love it so much." and yet... people don't wanna know or even TRY to understand what happens in the actual Epics.

I have hope. I just hope the FANDOM follows through.

[wavesoutbeingtossed]

I know you don't like discussing the muses but i love your takes and perspectives and i had to ask you about this. after listening to ttpd, did you have the impression that she really loved matty more than any of her exes/previous relationships?. And listening to the whole album as a whole would you call it the ''matty album'' or do you think there are more prominent themes in there than their period together?. (hope this doesn't bother you, feel free to delete if you don't feel like answering it)

hey anon! You're right, I don't really like to get into the muses as I don't really think there's anything to add to the conversation at this point, and ultimately I don't think it matters.

That being said, and with the caveat that I am not Taylor and I do not know Taylor so I cannot speak to her thoughts and can only make relatively educated guesses based on being an avid consumer of her work and a student of the human condition (lol), no I do not think Taylor loved Matty more than anyone else. I think there was maybe a brief period in the thick of things where she *thought* she did because she was not thinking clearly and was in full-on denial, but to me the message that is loud and clear in the album (and more or less explicitly stated in the epilogue) is that it was not any kind of real love affair. It was certainly infatuation and lust and the promise of something more, and there may have been some love as well, but he was in no way the love of her life by any measure.

I would call it a "Matty album" insofar as they're about events in which he was present, sure. But I feel it much more as a Taylor album, if that makes sense, even though I know that's a cop out because every album is to a degree. I can't explain it well, but I don't see TTPD as a Matty (or Joe) album in the way that I would maybe say Red is a "Jake" album or 1989 may be a "Harry" album or even Lover being a "Joe" album whatever, because even if they don't figure in all the songs, that kind of heartbreak permeates so much of the material.

The thing about TTPD and the Matty situation is that the Matty situation is really a Joe situation (which in some ways is actually partially a Jake situation). I always say I hate treating Taylor like a character so I hate speaking about her and her work in this way, but you don't get the Matty situation without the Joe situation precipitating it. It's @taylortruther's now-infamous donut vs. hole analogy. The reason Taylor makes the choices she does with Matty is directly tied to what happened with Joe that made her feel she needed to. Which is not to say Taylor isn't responsible for her own actions or doesn't have agency in her own life, but I mean it in that the situation in which she found herself with Joe, and the pain it caused, is what made the alternative so comforting and perhaps even necessary in her mind. It's why it makes it so hard to "paternity test" the album, because the stories are inherently intertwined and you don't get the former without the latter.

The major "theme" of the album to me is the loss of a very specific, very personal dream, and the way in which she lost it, and the way in which grieving that loss drove her to make the choices she did. We're all talking very delicately about it because it's a sensitive topic, but it's late on Friday and few people are going to see this, so I'm going to say it: it's the give you my wild, give you a child of it all. The yearning she expresses both overtly and sub-textually for having a family in the album is palpable in a very iykyk kind of way, and it's the realization that those plans are not going to come to fruition in the way she had once imagined that drives a lot of the pain she experiences, and makes her jump at the chance to find that again with someone else.

I started a draft post about the theme of womanhood and motherhood on TTPD three months ago that I never finished because I ran out of time and ran out of steam, but it was the most striking thing to me on the album, not because I didn't know that she wanted those things because that's been obvious for years (definitely since Lover, and again, peace put it all on the table), but because the vulnerability she expressed about it on the album is incredibly moving, and it's so generous of her to trust listeners with those feelings and experiences.

Again, it's the thirtysomething of it all.

She is in relationship A which she at one point believes is forever, one which she at one point believes is going to lead to marriage and children. She is so committed to that dream that she either ignores or tries to fix serious issues that may otherwise lead others to think the two people in the relationship are incompatible, both because she loves the person deeply and because she feels that this is meant to be the way she achieves that dream. She gives it her everything, and it still dies a slow, painful, onerous death, and she feels like it may take her along with it. The dream of getting married and presumably having a family gets taken off the table: how we don't know and will likely never know because that is private between the parties involved. All that matters in the context of the album is that those plans never come to fruition and never would.

Then you have relationship B, an old flame who knows just enough buttons to push both to trigger and to flatter. A person who she presumably trusts with very sensitive, personal information as her life slowly crumbles, and this person is telling her all the things she wants to hear because he knows about what is happening in relationship A because she's told him. Person in relationship B doesn't get an "in" with her and sell her this dream unless what happens in relationship A precedes it. It's not a grand love affair for the ages, it's not a mutual decision on building their own dream together. It's Person B learning about what is happening with Person A and saying "I can do that!" even if he can't or doesn't. The dream he sells her is a rental car; it's not his own, he's just borrowing it from someone else and selling it back to her.

And the reason she falls for it is because it is what she aches for the most in her personal life, and she is grappling with it disintegrating, so she (unfortunately for her) falls for the easy way out, and in turn sells herself a story about how this must be fated, and this must be meant to be, because this person wants all the same things she does and she didn't even have to bargain for it! Well, yes, because she fed him the dream in the first place. (Like a mark falling for a sleeper cell spy.) It's too good to be true because it isn't true. IMO Person B doesn't come running out of the gate with the marriage/baby/dream life promises unless he knows that is what she most desires. But what's left unsaid out of all of it is that: those dreams were her dreams because they were her dreams with Person A. It was a whole life they had together, and a whole life they had planned for in some fashion, and a whole life that has to be dismantled in the aftermath.

So all this to say, yes, on the surface, Matty is a "main character" on the album, but truly he's a side character to Taylor as the narrator and person experiencing it and Joe as the ghost bit-player-who-haunts-every-scene. (Again, I hate referring to real people as characters, it gives me the absolute ick, but in this case it's the only way to answer the question.) I jokingly call it the Matty album for shorthand or when I want to say something out of pocket, but really, it's a disservice to the album to say that because it's not a muse album as in it's about the romance (like, say, Red often is), it's about a soul-crushing heartbreak that goes beyond it. The romance is the symptom, not the cause.

The loss of youth is tied in with all this: she's not 22 anymore. She isn't even 32 anymore. She had a very specific idea of what her life was going to look like at this point and had planned for that life, and it goes up in smoke. But again, to bring the womanhood into it all: there is, unfortunately, a deadline for these things. You're with someone for over half a decade you think is going to be your life partner and father of your children and and then he's not. You spent half a decade building this relationship for it to crumble, but now you're in your mid-30s and you don't necessarily have another half-decade to build that trust and faith in someone else before being ready to start a family. And maybe you're scared that anyone else who may become your partner will need that much time to build that trust and faith, because that's kind of all you've ever know in relationships. But lo and behold, someone comes into your life you once had feelings for and maybe now do again and is offering you everything you want and thought you'd have by this point in your life right now. It feels like an elixir that as we find out is actually poison.

That youth is not just the chance for motherhood, but it's also the hopes and idealism and belief in the future that often gradually erodes as we age. But for Taylor as well, it's also tied into the trauma of what she went through particularly in 2016, which kicks off a lot of things on the album as well (her retreat, her relationship with Joe, the pivoting in her career, etc.). That event caused a pretty clear before/after in her life (like a few other events, I suspect), and another major theme in the album is her finally grappling with the full weight of that. They're all different branches of the same tree of the story of TTPD and her life.

I could talk about this stuff forever, but I'm going to stop here because it's long enough and I should save stuff for one of the dozens of drafts I have half-baked lol. But this is just something I needed to get off my chest perhaps.

[dairy-farmer]

Thinking about that public incest au, especially after the post today (Mar 19), but not specifically inspired by it.

But!

Just because incest is publicly acceptable doesn't mean it's compulsory or anything, and rape is still very much a thing (in fact, it's taken Even More seriously because society is so sex positive!). A lot of the time it comes down to family traditions/dynamics - for a (probably very weird) comparison, consider in America how a lot of people have ham on Christmas. But some people have turkey, some people like my family have lasagna, and some people even go out for Chinese food. It's all a matter of preference. Where am I going with this? Tim's parents were never into it. Maybe Tim was too young for them, maybe they were monogamous, maybe they just didn't care for him that much. The point is, Tim's family never fucked him.

And while the Waynes indulge occasionally (no one to question your scars, and it's someone you can feel really safe with) none of them ever tried to fuck Tim either.

This leads to everyone's favorite type of Tim; Insecure and Doesn't Feel Like Part of the Family Tim™!

Why didn't they fuck him? Partly because he was too young at first, and partly because of how he joined the family / was introduced to everybody. Bruce was grieving Jason and at least a bit bitter about Tim being Robin. Add to that the fact Bruce didn't fuck his other sons all that often either - him and Dick did it occasionally when Dick was younger (got to show him how to do it in a safe controlled environment) but then Dick spent a long time being very annoyed with him. Now they only really have sex on special occasions. And poor Jason was forced to do that stuff to survive on the streets and was convinced for a long time that Bruce only took him in for that reason. Once he was comfortable, though, Jason initiated it a couple times before he died - after which he had no interest 😒.

So Bruce never really brought it up, even after adopting Tim: plus, Tim never approached him either and since Tim had mentioned in passing he never did that with his parents, Bruce just figured it wasn't a thing he was interested in. Dick was similar - oh, he was free with hugs and cuddles and stuff, but at first Tim wasn't family, and then once he was Dick came to the same conclusion as Bruce. Jason and Damian not initiating anything is for the obvious reasons - if you tried to kill someone multiple times in the past it can be incredibly awkward to bring up, even when you start getting along.

So poor Tim feels like he's not really a part of the family, because no one's ever offered to have sex with him, even though it's definitely something the Waynes do - aside from fucking Bruce, Dick and Jason definitely fooled around for a short time before Jason died and occasionally after he came back, and he knows for a fact that Dick showed Damian how to fuck and be fucked while working as his Batman. So of course Tim starts to drift away - it's fine, it's not like he's actually part of the family! And everyone is quietly freaking out because Timmy is pulling away! They love and care about him (even the two who don't like to admit it), and they're not sure how to fix it!

Until!!!

One day Dick decides to surprise Tim in the Nest, and as he's sneaking up on Tim in his living room, he hears that Tim is crying softly. He peeks in the room and sees that Tim is watching a movie, and at first he thinks it's one of those tear jerkers, except... It's not. It's one of those silly family based comedy movies. Specifically, it's at an unimportant part where two sisters are having a 'getting along' montage, including a tasteful fade-to-black moment (it is a family movie after all). And it clicks for Dick. He quietly extracts himself before Tim can notice him, and returns to the manor, calling a family meeting, sans Tim.

Dick explains what he learned and the meeting explodes into chatter and arguments. Damian demands to know why, if this is the case, Tim never said anything himself? Dick calmly reminds them that Tim is a very cautious person. If he believed that none of them were interested or cared about him, what possible reason would he have to put himself out there and risk rejection? After a moment of quiet contemplation, Jason abruptly stands up and starts striding out of the room. Bruce demands to know what he's doing, to which Jason replies that he's gonna being the baby bird back into the flock.

Cue an incredibly confused, and slightly alarmed, Tim being sought out by each member of the family to be fucked. Each of them have a very different approach. Jason barrels right on in, grabbing Tim up and kissing him senseless, groping and grabbing and teasing, and by the time Tim's brain has a chance to catch up, Jason's got him pinned to a bed (when did that happen!?) and is rubbing the head of his cock against Tim asking for permission to fuck him. And really, who is Tim to say no? (Tim definitely cries during and after, both because it feels really good and because this means Jason actually does see him as family! And cares about him!)

Dick is more subtle, inviting Tim over to his apartment for a movie night and starting with cuddling. Then he purposefully puts a hand high on Tim's thigh. Tim looks at him startled, and Dick asks if he can kiss him. Tim is definitely red and a bit teary eyed as he says yes. They spend a while making out like teenagers, before Dick sides off the couch and proceeds to eat Tim out like it's his goddamn job. By the time Dick finally presses inside, Tim is a quivering sobbing mess.

Damian is the reason Tim finally figures out what is happening, because Damian decides to be direct and forthright about it: he walks up to Tim in the cave when it is just the two of them, and says he has been remiss in his brotherly duties towards Tim and would like the chance to both make up for that and to demonstrate his acceptance of Tim as part of the family. Of course, Tim immediately tests him for mind-altering substances and once he's cleared and has been very clear about his annoyance at the detour, Tim cautiously accepts (after, of course, making a joke about how much all of that must have physically pained him to say. "I only had to say all of that because you are a fool and constantly underestimate the family's affection for you! If you weren't so dim at times, it wouldn't have been necessary to say!!" "Aww, you love me!" ".....yes, I do 😠.") It's honestly kinda awkward at first, with both of them being self-conscious and stiff, until Tim gives an annoyed huff and pushes Damian onto his back before slowly and determinedly riding him. Damian makes a mental note to do this as often as possible in the future, because fuck does Drake Tim feel good. He should have done this way earlier!

Bruce is, of course, the last one to approach Tim. Tim is prepared this time, and even tells Bruce that he understands now that he really is part of the family (none of his brothers were willing to let him up for air until he admitted it) and that Bruce doesn't need to force himself to have sex with Tim just for that. And honestly? That is probably the thing about the whole situation that makes Bruce feel the worst; the fact that he has let Tim believe that doing this with him while be some kind of chore. Just a box to tick on his to-do list of Family Maintenance. Bruce drags Tim up to his bed and spends the next three hours taking him apart and whispering every compliment, encouragement, and endearment that he's ever wanted to say but never really had the courage to into Tim's ear.

By the end of it all, Tim is thoroughly convinced of his place in the family and how much he is loved. But just to make sure he never doubts them again, everyone makes a point to fuck Tim at least once a week.

~❤️🦇

tim being the one in the family who has always wanted to be loved like that!! he was denied it from his parents because they simply hadn't been interested in him like that just like they hadn't been interested in hanging out with him or coming to any important events. but for tim, he'd seen how classmates and friends were able to be loved like that and wanting so badly for his parents to show him the same love. then the waynes who...well never really did it that often. sure on special occasions, or when they were getting along well, or when they did it just to teach each other the ropes of it all. but not tim because they thought that's what HE wanted.

but them figuring it out and rushing to fulfill his needs, making sure he feels loved and has a place in the family and never letting him feel unwanted or unloved again❤️.

[faithtrickedhope]

do you think athena ever resents Zeus for robbing her of the chance of having had a "normal birth" and a mother like everyone else has? does athena ever imagine what being a child would have felt like? what holding her mom's hands and hiding behind her dress would have felt like? i wonder if hera is nice to athena because she knows athena never had a mother. she was born before Zeus and her got married, after all, so Hera has no real reason to hold grudges like she held against Apollo, Artemis and Dionysus (all born out of affairs and not out of a previous union). Hera and Athena are often in the same side, they supported the acheans against troy and seem to generally respect each other.

Am I thinking all this just because of that "Hey, baby" in Hera's level in God Games? YEAH ABSOLUTELY.

ohh you came to the right person because mother-daughter dynamics drive me wild actually

i think there’s something to be said about a girl raised by her father because her father had his will that she would not have a mother. a girl who was born adorned in armour because her mother crafted it for her. athena was born a warrior of the mind (quite literally), and though zeus may shaped her and taught her as she grew, a lot of who she is can be attested to her birth. to her mother. so i think, yes, although athena is loyal to zeus, although she is his favourite, pe4ect daughter - there is still going to be a part of her that grieve for the mother she didn’t get to have, an resents the father who bears the reason.

i do like the idea that hera has a maternal dynamic with athena, then, because i think it would be good for both of them. athena finally gaining a mother-like presence in her life, and hera making a conscious choice of treating her as a daughter, knowing that the decision is hers, the girl is hers, and this isn’t like the other children of zeus. i think the “hey baby” line is quite telling, i definitely interpreted it as a sort of maternal-inflection, mother greeting daughter (in a sense). also just the whole way that hera interacts with athena in god games is really interesting. specifically her lines:

Try harder

and:

You can do better than that

it’s almost like she wants athena to win. where all the other gods presents their own arguments against odysseus, hera is giving way for athena to presents hers for him. she’s actively encouraging her to persuade her; she knows what athena - goddess of wisdom - is capable of, and she’s waiting to be hit with the wit that she knows athena posses. she knows athena “can do better than that”, she wants her to. she’s by far the most relaxed and causal of the gods throughout the games, i think to her this is just for fun and she sort of just wants to play around with athena for a bit. i like the interpretation that they’re locked in a dance during their conversation, like hers is using this as an excuse to just have some fun. maybe just for her own sake, but also maybe to spend sone time with athena.

headcanon wise, i do like the idea that hera is the one to take athena away after zeus’ wrath, or at least is the first to go to her. like i said, she seems to see the games as a very casual thing and doesn’t show any real contempt towards athena like the other gods do. she probably didn’t expect things to ever actually get dangerous. and of course, she also has her own qualms with zeus, so seeing him do something so heinous to his own daughter - i feel like that would kick in some kind of material instinct within her. she’d want to keep athena safe.

i should preface this all with the fact that this is all based solely in the context of epic. i’m sure the gods and their dynamics are different within wider mythology, but looking solely at the musical, these are some of my takes

[wemustgatekeepwooyoung]

Don’t be a stranger, stranger.

synopsis: after being all closed up in the mole hole you call home for weeks, you decided, even though you declined your best friends’ (Choi San, Song Mingi) invitation some hours ago, to go out all by yourself for a drink. You in fact did not stay alone that night, as Jung Wooyoung, a complete stranger caught you in his eye. Two weeks after you still thought about the man that kissed you so nastily in the bar’s bathroom stalls and ,unluckily for you ,you did not have his number to repurchase anything. Unfortunately though, people are people and people know people so nobody’s a complete stranger in the end.

genre: romance (strangers to lovers?), fluff, smut, a bit of angst*

pairing: Jung Wooyoung (non idol) x Fem Reader

word count: 7,7k

content/warnings: *mentions of reader going through a tough period, pet names (dove,darling,beautiful,baby,lovebug...), alcohol consumption, switch!wooyoung/reader, oral sex (face riding-f receiving), bondage, sort of love confession?

author’s note: HELLO THERE! God this took me longer than I first expected, sorry about that! I had covid while writing most of it and I had to take a better look at it once I felt better :P I still am not sure if I like it, my friend made me post it as I kept ranting about it lol. Sorry again if there are any grammar mistakes as eng is not my first language! ALSO, as I posted some days ago already, I have many fic ideas that I haven't even started preparing yet. Truth is, I'm trying to get myself in uni, so it's exam season for me and I don't have the time nor the mental capacity to process anything. In addition, I won't be that active! Requests are still open and will probably stay open as it's a new challenge for me. Hope you enjoy this one, bye bye <3

“Oh come on Y/N! Stop fooling yourself by thinking that you’re having fun doing nothing all day and end up rotting in bed. You’re too pretty and young for that anyway. Come out with us instead! We’re best friends us three and we haven’t hang out for two full weeks for fuck’s sake ”

“Thanks Mingi but I’d rather rot in my own bed than be around anyone right now. Or at least around anyone I know and anyone that knows me. I get your frustration and I’m sorry. I promise I’ll make up for it to both you and San.”

“Okay, I won’t push you. I just hope this method you’re using is actually useful to you and that you don’t end up choking on your own misery again”

“I’ll be fine, don’t worry about me. Have fun and drive carefully okay?”

“Okay. See you around, hopefully” Mingi commented and you couldn’t help it but laugh at his temper.

“Okay, bye then”

“Bye!” he said in a charming voice and you hung up

You’ve been going through it all lately, absorbing pressure from everything. Work’s been shitty and you keep grieving for your unaccomplished goals in life. Your parents still making a fuss about you not being a responsible adult, which you of course are, at the age of twenty two! If you weren’t you wouldn’t have been able to survive alone in this reality.

It is what it is and that’s been your motto for the past… Wait, how long has it been since you last went out? You don’t have a single clue. Did Mingi say two full weeks? Shit. You really do need to charge your social battery.

But what will it be? Charging your social battery or relaxing in the comforts your beloved bed provides you with? ‘Why’s life so hard?’, you thought and then you felt stupid that you felt that way over a stupid dilemma.

You’ve always been like that though. Always the dramatic one. Even in your friendship with Song Mingi and Choi San all these years. You’re like their little mature baby, as they’re both two years older than you. But you being mature generally doesn’t mean that you won’t make your own life feel like a kdrama series and ,like Mingi said, choke on your own misery to feel something.

You really do need to feel something though. Something other than tiredness from overworking yourself, other than empathy for the wrong people and to top it off, something definitely other than this big bulge in your heart caused by loneliness.

Mingi was right. You do need to go out and clear your head a bit. Maybe you should give him a call, they’re probably still out at your usual spot.

It’s been two hours since you thought about going out and you’re still clenching on the possibility of you doing it, instead of actually doing it. Why’s it so hard for you anyway?! You used to be every party’s favourite party animal, along with the other two of course. But why’s it so hard now? Is it because it’s late or because you’re just too bored to even get up?

And then, right when you thought that you’d never get up, you started missing it’s taste on your tongue. All you need right now is a very serious and dirty Martini. It’s just what will do the job perfectly and hopefully help you get yourself off.

So, now looking like a 90s elegant goddess with your plump lips, your slightly curly hair and your silky black dress, you called a cab and decided to be a bit extra with everything.

The bar you wanted to sit at is a bit too wild today but you won’t let that ruin your night as you already made too many compromises with yourself to get here. So, what you did was wander around in Seoul's streets for some time, searching for a new promising spot. The music was what led you to this specific one that you decided to enter right away.

After doing so, everyone started checking you out immediately. That didn’t annoy you one bit ,as it would normally, even though you absolutely hate those horndogs living around you. That’s probably because all your remaining mind space is covered with images of your order ready to be swallowed right in front of you.

Isn’t your lust for alcohol kind of sexual? Is our little dove horny other than lonely, or is it that your horniness was beclouded by the banner of ‘loneliness’ from the start? Damn, you really want to get dicked down, don’t you?

“Move! Let the lady sit!” a drunk man shouted and emptied a barstool for you to sit on, even though the one beside it was already unoccupied.

You thanked him with a smile and turned over to the barman that was already checking you out by the moment your eyes met his.

“What can I get you sunshine?”

“I’m not sure about the sunshine part, but I’d really like a Martini.”

“What kind?” he tried to specify as there are indeed many ways to enjoy a Martini.

“Well, there’s only one option to meet up with such hour’s demands, right?”

“Dirty it is then” he understood your statement and began the process of preparing it for you.

During that one minute that made up your order’s preparation time, you took your chance and started browsing the place. You never thought you’d ever visit a place like this in Seoul. It’s classy and really close to your taste in hang-out spots. It’s a nice jazz bar, filled with people your age and older dancing around, laughing, cheering and making toasts on their future which is something you and your two best friends always do.

You’ve missed them but you know they totally understand that where you stand now is only temporary. They both really respect and trust you and that’s two things that you can feel for certain when you’re with them.

But now is the time to relax and enjoy your time alone without having to rot in bed, exactly like Mingi said on the phone earlier. It’s your time to shine like the brightest color in this bar, just you and the company of your tasty dirty little friend.

“Here you go beautiful. Your beloved Martini’s on the guy over- Where’d he-“ the barman claimed and started looking for the man that spent money on your drink

Not even five seconds later, the barstool next to you got occupied by this stunning man and his sexy eyebrow piercing. He fixed his leather jacket and smiled at the barman before turning to look at you.

“Your drink and all the possible following are on me. Hope I didn’t scare ya”

“You didn't scare me at all. Thanks for the offer, I’m having this one today and no other.”

“Whatever pleases you” he said and took a delicate sip from his glass, what looks like to contain plain whiskey. Hot. “I liked the choice you made with it” he said and gave your glass a look-over.

“Really? I think it’s pretty ordinary”

“You can never go wrong with ordinary, right?”

“That’s right!...”

“You’re making it seem rare though cause I haven’t seen the combination of a good dirty martini and a pretty girl like you here before”

He does have a way with words, you can give him that. And he’s gorgeous too. His features are elegant and precise, just how you like it. He might even be the prettiest guy you’ve ever talked to, objectively speaking.

Maybe that's because of the bar’s lighting choice that seems to expose the uniqueness of his nose and the brightness of the sparkle in his cute button eyes. Or maybe it’s his charming smile that makes everything else feel blurry in this tight space you’re sitting and enjoying your night out.

“Well, you’re right. I haven’t been here before and dare I say I’ll surely come again.”

“How come? Your aura fits this place perfectly”

“My what? Can’t hear you well sorry!” you said and made him chuckle softly

Your heart almost skipped a beat by how close to you he got so that he made sure you heard him the second time.

“Your aura darling.”

“Oh! What about it?”

“It’s catchy” he said and made a cute little shake with his hands

“Catchy?” you wondered almost bursting in laughter after repeating his exact movement

“Yeah, you caught my eye from all the way back there and I can't even see that well without my glasses. You're glowing” he bluntly confessed and increased the tension in your eye contact.

''Do you say this to every girl you meet?''

''Almost, yeah. But the aura thing is the new adaptation I made just now on my usual script'' he affirmed your point and readjusted his sunglasses to hold back his front hair strands better

''Tell me about the next victim's reaction to it when you have it proposed for the first time, yeah?''

''So, you want to meet again?'' he asked and made you laugh while you were swallowing the slightly bitter sip you took from your drink

''I can’t say that that confidently but it depends.”

''On what?'' he asked and leaned closer to you, his elbow flat on the counter and his hand balancing the weight of his head.

''On how quickly you get me on my last nerve''

''And what if I manage not to?''

''Then we'll both enjoy our time together. Perhaps.''

''Sounds good to me! So, tell me more about you.''

''What is it that you want to know, Mr.-''

''It's Wooyoung''

''Fine.'' you said with a sigh, '' What is it that you want to know Mr. Wooyoung?''

''Just Wooyoung is fine. You didn't tell me your name though''

''I'll think about telling you when I assure your business with me, is that okay?''

''Sure thing, whatever has you feeling more comfortable''

''Right... So what'd you wanna know? If you don't answer this time either, I'm going to assume it was about getting my name on your list''

''That was one part of it but there is also another. Are you waiting for somebody?''

''No, luckily for you and unluckily for me that just wanted to enjoy my Martini alone, I'm not waiting and don't need to wait for anybody''

''Okay, I shall leave you alone then-'' he said confidently and stood up, ready to actually respect your solo night out, an action which made you see your interest in him clearer.

''Shouldn't you test my patience first since you took your chance already? Unless you want to give up on me that easily'' you suggested like you were pitying him but instead you were pitying your desperately horny self.

He smiled and sat back down before removing his jacket, all left with a plain black t-shirt covering his muscular torso. Once he carefully hang it on the side rail of his chair, you noticed the exposed and veiny skin on his arms. Shit, who is this man and how is he so good looking? Are you seriously thirsting over a stranger? Since when could you not resist your touch deprivation nor your imagination?

You closed your eyes and shook your head negatively, trying to control your hormones and hopefully shake them off too. You must not fuck with someone that you met just this night, you know that's not you! But you can't help but want to, I mean, who would judge you? Mingi and San would probably agree with you on the matter of Wooyoung being the most fuckable man you've ever held a conversation with. But holding just a convo with him isn't enough for you right now. You want him to hold you against the wall and ruin you like the little slut you are. You don't want to know about him nor him to know anything about you. Fuck actual words, you just want to speak in body language. What you also don't want on the other hand, is him getting your comfirmation to 'hit it' right away. You want to test him.

''Am I getting to you?''

''I wouldn't say that. I'm a hard person to please'' you said and you did not lie. You are a very hard person to please. Mingi and San have arranged several dates for you these past two weeks just to get you off your mind and finally out of your house. Numerous guys are head over heels for you but you always refuse the deal or never show up. And now? What the heck is happening to you now? Why's this random guy, Wooyoung, and his pretty little mole under his left eye so irresistible?

''Then guide me through it''

Oh he definetly knows what he's doing and you're letting him. Girl get your shit together and go play bunnies already. Besides from letting him, you're also making it clear that you're enjoying his boldness, even if that boldness has a taste of indirection in it, making the whole situation ironic. You're both dirty talking at this point but choose to go sideways. Maybe you like the tease and the slowburn, what can one say!?

''Why? Aren't you confident in your own skills?''

''You think I have skills?''

''I never said that but I don't doubt it either. I'm a physical learner''

''I thought so''

''So glad we're both making assumptions about each other in these fifteen minutes of talking.'' you said and took another sip of your martini

''Mhm, glad we're mutually glad about the thing you said you're glad about. Moreover, I have an interesting ,I'd say, proposal to make.''

''What could that be?'' you asked while staring at the ceilling, mocking Wooyoung that way. The familiar sound of his laughter followed your mockery and made you look at him, somewhat invested.

''It involves us two, voicing our assumptions out loud''

''Where?'' you clearly misunderstood what he had just said, lost in your own dirty thoughts.

A devilish smile was formed on his face, along with an eyebrow raise and a slight head tilt.

''Wow sugar, I thought you being hard to please would make this take longer but if you insist-''

''I didn't insist pfff- what was it again? Your name?''

''Wooyoung''

''Oh right that's the one! You think you have a way of getting things go your way but you're not the only brat in this bar, there's another one sitting right in front of you''

''Hm, someone will have to back down sooner or later though, won't he?''

''You're right on the male pronoun. I'm not familiar with backing down''

''What about bending down? Are you familiar with that?''

''Let's not go down that path right away. You haven't even finished your whiskey yet'' you teased and in just a blink of an eye, the remaining whiskey in his glass was consumed. He drank it all at once with a big swallow making his eyes tear a bit. Cute, you thought. He's as desperate for some pussy as you are for him to fuck you. That makes the situation more ideal and fair than it was before.

''Okay. What's the first assumption you made about me?'' he asked with a grin on his face, still wanting to give you the message that he's the one in charge of the wheel

''Hm, let's see. If I consider the fact that you're confident, a natural entertainer and that you value freedom and can’t stand being tied down, I'd assume and I think I'm rather correct, that you're a Sagittarius'' you said and ate the olive that had been soaking in your drink for so long without breaking eye contact

He got shy and scrached his nape in shock.

''You're right about all of it. Almost all of it”

''Oh my! Are you a Taurus?''

''No, you made no mistake in the zodiac part.''

''Then where was I in error?''

''Your error was found in the false fact considering me not enjoying being tied down''

''Oh c'mon! Do you really have to make everything sexual?''

''What can I say sweetheart, it's in my nature! And I think that's another thing we share''

''Maybe we do, I guess we won't be finding out soon as it's your turn to bring your first assumption about me to the table''

''I knew you'd like this game! Kinky. Mine was not as clever as yours was, I guess it was filled with more realism than cleverness. You see, what I assumed of you when I first saw your pretty figure from all the way back there, was that you surely had a partner. I still can't get my head wrapped around the fact that you're single''

''Single by choice!'' you exclaimed, surprising yourself

''I don't want to push you into saying something really personal. I'm sure you have your reasons to have acted this way. I'm also sure that there's also a reason behind you not wanting to get to know me personally, cause you haven't asked me a single question about myself yet. Again, there's no pressure, I'm really enjoying your company and our time together, we don't need to have it continue if you don't want to''

Damn. Did this man really figure your emotions out after knowing you for so little and with no content of you and your life at all? And that's when you realised... This is all you've been searching for since the night started! Someone to make the effort to understand you and actually do. What a miracle he is, truly. Is he majoring in psychology maybe? Are you suddently into getting to know more about him and his personal life or is one tripping?

''Another assumption I had about you was that you are a player and that you enjoy wilding out with random girls at bars. I don't think that's true anymore. What are you actually like Woo?'' you finally decided to be open about your interest in him and ask him a direct and personal question. You acting bratty-like isn't fit for all circumstances anyway.

His face lit up and he let out a big sigh that turned out forming into a loud chuckle.

''I'm honored by your question, really. I'm a simple guy, I enjoy making people laugh and I also love dancing''

''Do you make people laugh with your dance moves?'' you joked and he teased you by touching your nose gently

''You'd be surprised by my moves. Everyone loves Jung Wooyoung, the sexy performer.''

''I'll have to assess that myself, can't trust other people's opinions''

''Agreed, I'd also like to know about your opinion on 'em''

''Then what are you waiting for? Show me”

''Right now? I too had a question to ask y’know!''

''Save it for later then'' you said, implying that you're down for a 'get together' after today's night is over.

He smirked in understandment, got up, looked at you like he was about to devour you any moment and grabbed your hand. You laughed as he made you run your way to the bathroom stalls, making it easy for you to comprehend how badly he wanted you.

Once you reached the bathroom's doorstep and crossed it's border, he placed his hands directly on your hips and pushed a door open before attacking your lips.

Oh my! He's nasty! He surely know his ways around a woman and you're not God's strongest soldier. Of course you're mad he's stolen the wheel right from your claim, but his kisses have you so weak that you might as well let him keep it. You want him to keep it.

Another thing about him that you're now experiencing for the first time, is that him being bold is also shown in his sexual interactions. He's not shy to envelop the whole room with his filthy sounds and you absolutely love the melody they produce in conjunction with yours.

His embrace on your hips started to tighten before he reached his left hand behind and to lock the door. You broke the kiss to catch your breaths and both smiled while having your foreheads connected.

''May I?'' he asked while holding onto both your dress' shoulder straps. You nodded in agreement and he pushed them down right away, exposing your bare tits and having your dress fall on the ground, leaving you just with your pretty panties.

''Love the no bra look'' he joked and started to squeeze them, bringing your own beautiful moans on stage for him to welcome

''Slow down they'll hear us''

''Is there anyone you know out there?''

''No''

''Anyone you care about perhaps?''

''No''

''Then let's give them the concert of their lives baby, what do you say?'' he said and pinched your nipple, causing your volume to rise a couple of scales.

He pushed you further into the stall so that you were all helplessly stuck in it's corner, pressing onto you even more while sucking hard on your already aroused nipples. He got all the assurance he wanted by the way you told him how good it was in between your vocal escapisms. He then reached for your lower pleasure-seeking parts, therefore you felt his fingers trace your wet cunt above your soaked panties.

''I knew I got you good'' he said making you roll your eyes in disbelief of his still increasing confidence.

The worst part is that he has every right being confident, even on such a level. Nobody's ever made you that sexually frustrated before. It might just be that you possibly are under the Martini's spell ,but c’mon now, lying to yourself won’t work again.

You’re under Wooyoung's spell and you know it without minding at all, nor wanting him to stop. You're actually glad it's him and not some dude San and Mingi tried to hook you up with. And why is that? Because even though you trust them, you know that there's no other better judge of people than you. You were hesitant at first but now here you are not wanting to hesitate no more and wanting him to totally unravel you.

He rubbed steady circles on your clit, making it hard for you to hold still on your own. You wrapped one arm around his nape, pulling on his hair a bit, while the other slipped under his black t-shirt wanting to finally feel his muscles.

You both moaned, you on the feeling of his soft skin and his fingers pressing you harder down there and him with the way your pretty hands traced down his torso and went over to his waistline, ready to unbuckle his belt single handedly.

With a quick motion, he stopped everything he was doing and trapped both your hands momentarily in order to stop your incoming action. You looked at him full of confusion and his face got serious. He began to unbuckle his belt on his own, wrapped it around his hands and tightened it with his teeth. Finally, he sat down on the floor, head falling back on the toilet's closed seat.

He looks so pretty and slutty that you want to take a picture and keep it among your most precious jewelry. You smiled and put your hair behind your ears before bursting into laughter.

''What a good boy you are all tied up and sweeping the floor with your clothed ass! What for?''

''Sit on my face baby. Please''

Hold on. Have the tables turned already? Anyone would think that that's the case, he's begging for you to choke him with your pussy lips after all, how can it not be that?

''Please baby I need to taste you. Sit on it'' he repeated, looking absolutely stunning with his hands tied up like this and with the veins on his neck and arms becoming even more visible.

How could you say no to that nose? You absolutely adore that nose. You might as well have fallen deeply in love with it and the way it hits your clit while he sucks all your wetness off before reproducing it.

''Oh my god Wooyoung! Don't stop! So good-'' you managed to make up your sentence in between your loud moans and trying not to crush him under you, even though that's what he wants most.

His erection cannot be denied any longer if it ever could have been to begin with. His dick's so hard that it's now noticable ,not just on it's own but also by the way Woo's making slow and passionate thrusts in plain air.

It doesn't seem to cause a problem though, as his main goal is for you to cum on his face, tremble around him and choke him with your wet thighs that he so desperately wants to lay slaps on. Too bad he didn't think about it when he was tying himself up like the poor rope bunny he is.

Once he stopped tongue fucking you for a moment to catch his breath, you wrapped your fingers tightly on his hair and repositioned him, causing his glasses to fall from his head.

You're grinding on him, completely out of this world. His high pitched moans, his warm breath beneath you and his kitten licks while you're getting yourself off on him by rocking your hips in a slow and passionate rhythm, sends shivers down your spine and makes Wooyoung see stars. He's about to cum in his pants, untouched, just completely pussy drunk.

He didn't want to cum alone though, he wanted to share the experience, so he sped up the pace of his tongue on your clit. Your grip on his hair tightened, giving him the confirmation he needed that you were so close to finally letting go and reaching your highest with the stranger that paid for your Martini.

And that confirmation became a happening, an explosive one to be more precise. He twitched in his pants as you painted his ethereal face with your sweet liquids he so enjoyed devouring these past few minutes. You were both so high on pleasure that you didn't even notice the barman knocking on your bathroom stall's door.

''Hey there lovebirds, sorry to interrupt but the cops are to arrive soon due to the music being too loud apparently. I'll have to call it a night before they get here so-'' he said and placed Wooyoung's jacket on the door handle from outside ''Goodnight''

And on that note, he left and went back to his post. You looked at each other, both breathless, fucked up and dizzy.

Once you almost stabilized your system, you helped him up and freed him from his own enslavement. In return, he slapped your ass instinctively as you bent down to pick your dress.

''Holy fuck, I wanted to do that for some time now''

''Too bad you tied yourself, even though it was a pretty good sight''

''Glad you enjoyed it'' he said and smiled while helping you put your dress on.

When you crossed the bathroom's border for the second and last time this night, the barman blinked at the sight of you two and started applauding before waving goodbye. You bowed in reply and left the bar with Wooyoung accompanying you, contrary to how you first got there.

''So, I still got those questions I have to get answers out of you.''

''Yeah, I want to think of some questions to ask you too''

''I'll treat you to dinner, what do you say?'' he proposed, eyes focused on your lips again.

''I'd rather we prepared it together at my place. I'll send you the address''

''Yeah that sounds more convenient. See you around then beautiful'' he added his final line of the night and pecked your lips goodbye. “WAIT” he shouted abruptly breaking the street’s silence which almost made you piss yourself.

“Yeah?”

“What’s your name?”

“Oh. You’re right. It’s Y/N!”

“Okay! Goodnight Y/N”

“Goodnight Wooyoung.''

...

When you reached your appartment, it was like reality struck you down again. When you were accompanied by Wooyoung, all your problems seemed to have had drifted away.

“But now, looking back on the mountain of cigarette butts on my ashtray, I’m reminded that I can’t just keep avoiding all my problems. Instead, I have to take action and face them somehow. That’s what I’ll do starting from tomorrow!” you proudly announced and placed yet another such butt on that mountain.

“Good for you! But now that you’ve got all that figured out, will you finally let me, your favorite mountain, take some rest? It’s 5 a.m, how are you that energetic?” San let out his frustration in between sighs, since you woke him up just to state your philosophical thoughts on how life basically works.

“I’ll tell you another time. Goodnight sleepyhead, see you tomorrow?”

“Yeah, that might happen if you stop clenching on your door handle”

“I will dummy, don’t worry. Sleep well” you said and he hung up without saying anything. You’re happy he even did you the favor and answered so you don’t mind at all. You need to get some sleep as well. It’s not an easy trip visiting and returning back from your highest point, heaven, anyway.

…

“Did your hair get longer?” Mingi looked at you surprised before sitting back down on his chair and handed your coffees over to you and San.

“Oh stop it you! Just because you haven’t seen me for a month doesn’t mean I changed that much!- Did I though? Is it bad?!”

“No, you’re the same small baby we love and cherish” San said and squeezed your cheek

“The same small SHITTY baby you mean” Mingi added in between coughs and received a death stare by San

“So… Any news?” San broke the ice and both you and Mingi laughed. For different reasons but you still laughed.

“How could she have any news to present when she was rotting in bed all day, going out only to empty her trashcan?”

“Actually… I’d like to talk about a certain topic…”

“Does it have to do with what you told me that night on the phone?” San remembered the conversation you had held two weeks ago, the night you last saw him.

It pains you and it’s been fucking your mood up for the past two weeks that you’ve had no contact at all. How could you have had any though, he didn’t even ask for your number! You really fooled yourself thinking you had saved it somewhere, that’s why you proposed dinner at your place that day. But he never tried sneaking it in your purse nor simply giving it to you directly.

You’ve been devastated and you couldn’t search for him as you don’t even know his last name. There were zero possibilities of you finding him and you thought that talking it through with your two favourite people would help you develop your new coping mechanism.

“Sort of”

“Are you going to fill me in? I have no idea what you’re talking about” Mingi said and took a disguising sip from his coffee cup, sharing a very loud noise with everyone sitting at the coffeeshop.

“Alright, remember that night you wanted to fuck that red head and then you found out that she was a lesbian?” San explained the timeline to Mingi based on their side of the story and Mingi nodded so that San would continue “Well, Y/N called me in the middle of that same night and woke me up to tell me about her remarkable life philosophies!”

“Wow! Y/N, I hate to break it to you but that that philosophical outburst wasn’t your ‘mc moment’. We all have those from time to time”

“Guys, my life philosophies are not what I want to talk to you about! Something else happened that night! Someone, to be completely honest”

“DID YOU CALL YOUR EX AGAIN?” they both shouted and stood up, forgetting about the fact that you’re having this conversation in public.

“Calm down! I did not call anyone. That’s the problem. I didn’t get his number”

“Whose number?! Do you have an imaginary boyfriend again? Are you in need of a prescription? Did loneliness turn you completely mad?!” Mingi asked angry and worried to the core but he didn’t even let you explain!

“Gosh Mingi, will you shut up and let me tell you about it?! If you want to be angry then go be angry by yourself, San will listen”

“San always listens” San said with a complaint hiding behind his wide smile

“Okay, go on. I will zip it”

“So, after I cancelled on you guys, I decided to go out by myself and I fucked this guy-“

“YOU FUCKED A GUY?!”

“She’s not a lesbian San, not everyone’s a lesbian. Only the girls I like apparently. Go on little one, I’m invested in your gossip”

You let a small sigh and got caught off guard by the waitress picking up your ashtray and emptying it in the plastic bag she was holding. You gave her a soft smile and when you turned back to look at your friends to continue your speech, you were greeted by a so greatly-missed choice of styling.

Fuck, you missed that eyebrow piercing so much as if it is your alleged husband coming back home from the military. He was already hugging San when you caught your eye on him. Thus, he had exceeded your notice on him right away, wasting no time to stare at you with that beautiful smile you rode like a total slut two weeks ago.

He was wearing the shop’s uniform and had his long hair tied in a small low ponytail, his strands falling in front of his face causing a problem for him again. Too bad he doesn’t have his glasses to hold them behind this time.You laughed at the plot line of your thoughts, catching all three’s attention. You two broke contact only to just reconnect it even stronger than it was before. The other two took turns in towards who to look at.

With a deep shy and some steps to get closer to you, he decided to speak up.

“How’s the coffee?”

“Tasty” you affirmed his currently questioning disposition “Did you make it?”

“That’s right. I would’ve been more artistic in it’s making if I knew that you’d be the one having it.”

“That’s okay, just the fact that you took the energy to make it does the job for me”

“Glad you’re enjoying it” he teasingly said, repeating his own words that had you stunned that night, right after his face riding session. On that note, he turned around and went back inside as his duties as a humanised coffee machine are calling him.

San and Mingi’s jaws were dropped on the floor because they could feel you two’s tension, without being updated on the context yet.

“Y/N honey, can you explain one thing to me?” Mingi’s face got all serious as he placed both hands on the table “How do you and my beloved mate Jung Wooyoung know each other?”

That's it! That’s His full name!

“Well… I kinda sat on his face two weeks ago in that bar’s bathroom stall...” you said bluntly and San’s laugh could probably be heard from really far away

“Of course you did” Mingi said trying to cope with this amusing new information he just received

“Well, I would too. Never had the chance to” San supported your horniness’ random spike, receiving wide stares from you and your other bestie because of it “What? I’m just being honest, he’s always been hot. So what now? What are you thinking of doing now?”

“Well, I don’t know.”

“Go ask him to fuck during his break time. He’ll be more than pleased to”

“What? Why’d you think I’d want to fuck him again Mr. Song? And why now of all times?”

“Well, I talked about both of you, not just about you Y/N. You two seemed like you were ready to ruin each other right in front of us, right San?”

“That’s right” San added and crossed his legs “You have to get his number this time”

“I can’t just go and disturb him while he’s working to ask for his number! Besides, I’m sure you two can just give it to me. He’s your friend, isn’t he?”

“No. You’re not having it that easy! I’m sure he’ll give it to you without question. Just go and take it!”

“San, I haven’t seen him in two weeks and we were both drunk that night. We had just met too! It’ll look weird if I just go and ask for his number”

“So you riding his face with the view of a fucking bathroom stall isn’t weird? You passed through that phase I’m sure you can pass this one too and go fuck somewhere. Moreover, it’ll be a chance to get you out of your dump again” Mingi played dirty with that one

“Agreed.”

“Fuck stop getting me unnumbered guys!”

“What can I say, it’s duty calling us to help you get your shit together. Go claim your man before anyone else does” Mingi said and put his jacket on

You looked at San but he just gave you a little supportive push towards the door. You can’t go back now and lose this opportunity right? It’s the moment you’ve been looking forward to happening. He’s right here and you can use it to your advantage! What could possibly go wrong?

You’re just stressing over the possibility of him not have given you his number on purpose that day. Cause, how could he forget? How could he forget after leading you on so well? Were his intentions simply for a ‘one night stand’? Why’d he ensure you continuity though?

Nah, he’s not having it. You deserve an explanation, a really good one. He can’t just go and hit on you on a random Saturday, grab his portion and then not pay the deserved way.

With that on your mind, you walked towards him, watching his every move carefully as you approached his aspect.

“Missed me?” he said without even looking at you. He just so gently wiped a cup dry, your eyes focused on his grip.

Unbelievable. You’re unbelievable, so desperate for his attention that it’s making you angry. ‘He’s just another man, get your shit together Y/N’, you thought to yourself. But is he just ‘another man’ to you?

“Won’t you say anything? Not gonna ask me how I’ve been?”

“There’d be no reason to do that If you’d given me your number!” you mumbled

“What was that?” he said and finally did you the favour to look into your eyes

He completely melted in those five seconds of eye contact. He was ready to leave everything behind, grab your hand and go spend time with you, anywhere you told him to. But you, you were taken over by anger. You could feel the frustration caused by his absence drive you insane. You wanted to slap him for being so unbothered but you knew that’d turn both of you on. So what can you do?

“Huh?” he asked again as you seemed distracted and forgot to reply to his question or rather chose not to.

“Oh forget it Wooyoung. Good day” you said and sprang out of the cafeteria

Right when the air hit your hair, Mingi and San knew by the look on your face that something didn’t go according to plan. They ran after you only to be greeted goodbye as all you wanted then was to be alone and try to ‘fix yourself’ as you said.

You’re disappointed. Totally disappointed. Why? Oh, the answer’s simple. It’s that you should’ve accepted the fact that the acting in a movie is still acting, no matter how real it comes out. It’s not really life. So, what felt like a movie to you that night was fake from the start.

Hypocrisy was what bonded you and Jung Wooyoung together in your little head. What you do want is was felt real but isn’t. He was never really interested in getting to know you, he didn’t even look at you until you seemed frustrated! He just asked all these questions that day to light up the mood, that’s why he was sexualising everything. Wouldn’t he want to look at you if he’d truly missed you? You were the one who couldn’t take your eyes off of him, how could he not put the slightest effort after declaring his statement that time, that including him being so into you?

‘It’s just another man, you’ll be fine’, you thought to yourself again. On the other hand, there’s still this other part of you in your little head that keeps telling you to go back and ask him straight away, ‘Did you just want to have it served to you once and never again?’ but you won’t be doing that. Your ego’s too high to go this low with your actions.

You began to walk faster than before as you slapped yourself hard enough with your thoughts to want to have them erased.

You can’t believe it. How could he? No, the true question is ‘How could you Y/N?’. How could you let yet another man play with your feelings when you knew his intentions from the start? This one’s different. No, all he wanted was to get his portion and leave the rest to the table to rot. Fuck, how could I’ve been so stupid?

Footsteps and footsteps and footsteps and footsteps and-

“Fuck, why’d you run off like that? Do you not care about my lungs nor our situation at all??” he asked with his hand on your shoulder, breathless and with sweat dripping down his forehead.

You removed his hand from your shoulder and you turned around to do what you’ve been doing for the past five minutes, walking and avoiding your feelings.

“Oh c’mon Y/N! Are you really that apathetic?”

“Sorry? I was right there, you didn’t even look at me once and I’m the one called out for being apathetic? Please-“ you said and tried to walk away again before he sprang in front of you, stoping your motion “Will you please stop whatever you’re doing? Stop acting like you care so much to the point that you’ll get yourself in trouble, cause you don’t “

“How’d you come to that conclusion?”

“You’ve made it very clear Woo. You didn’t try to keep in touch, you just wanted your dose and that’s where you put your period when you got it.“

“I didn’t get my dose though”

“Oh, I see. Let’s blame the neighbours for calling the cops and interruptinh our private session now, that’s all we have left to blame and do anyway”

“No, we haven’t done everything yet. I haven’t asked you what I meant to ask you. That’s why I ran all this way, putting myself in trouble for doing so. I might lose my job for this but I don’t care. But for you, I do care. So, why’d you not give me your number since I didn’t? That’s the real question”

He’s got a great point there. Not once did you think about it, why’d you not do it? Were you scared? Were you humiliated? Were you anxious? Were you-

“I simply thought we’d exchanged it already”

“So how could you have the right to forget about it and forget about me so easily? I went mad all these days, waiting for you, at the bar. You never showed up. Why’d you not show up?”

You then could recognise the purity in his eyes that you fell in love with that night. That excessive desperation that made your insides tangle. You know you fell hard for him, that’s why you let it slide, that’s why he’s not in fact ‘just another man’ to you. How could one be mad at him?

“I don’t know… After thinking I’d never see you again, I got closed up in my house once more. I didn’t want to go out and meet someone else. I didn’t want to meet anyone to be completely honest.”

“You shouldn’t do that! You’re too pretty to be hiding yourself in there. It’s also unhealthy.“ he said and made you smile, finally. He looks so proud and relaxed, like he was waiting for this moment. Just seeing you smile felt like the sun finally showing up after being hidden in the clouds. In other words, you’re that small sparkle that brightened his shitty day. It worked as a confirmation for him, your smile, as he understood how much you actually lovestruck him.

“So it wasn’t just a ‘one time thing’ for you?”

“Do you think I’d sweat that much If it was just a ‘one time thing’ for me? My legs don’t work well, fuck, I have to exercise more frequently” and yet came another laugh that sounded like melody to his ears “Oh, by the way- This is for you” he said and put a small and cutely folded paper in your back pocket.

What a tease he truly is and how you love it.

“Was that our receipt?” you teased back while approaching him closer than you already were.

“It’s a surprise. I’ll tell you about it when we have that cooking session we talked about yeah?”

“Okay, I’ll call you. I promise.” you said as you knew exactly what that little billet doux contained.

“Okay lovebug, I’ll be waiting” he said and let himself completely loose once he felt your touch on his cheek, before your lips met in a tender kiss.

He really can’t control himself around you. Same problem as on your first encounter. He wrapped his arms around you and held you close, not seeming like he wanted to let go.

“I’m so glad I found you again Y/N. Would you have came to the bar to find me? Did you think about it?”

“I did but didn’t have the courage to. I’d probably meet you through Mingi and San though someday. I wish I knew sooner so that I’d keep in touch”

“Yeah, but we will now!”

“That’s right but for now, you need to go back. You’ll lose your job”

“Shit, I totally forgot about that.” he said and panicked. You smiled as he kissed your hand after hugging you. “So… I’ll be going now okay?”

“Of course.” you replied and waved him goodbye, him too.

You got lost in your own thoughts again, which this time were formed with his not probable urges. Your mindset is now set in a new theme, under the name ‘Jung Wooyoung’. Wow, you really are a lucky girl.

“Don’t be a stranger, stranger!” he shouted, blowed you kisses from afar and began to run towards the cafeteria’s direction.

[glitter-stained]

I'm always thinking about Jason because fixation so my judgement is biaised because every song I listen to makes me think about at least one of my Jasons, but here are some songs though were definitely written for and about canon Jason Todd, and I will take no criticism (but you are definitely welcome to add your own songs):

-Take me To War, by The Crane Wives

>"But I keep snapping at Goliath hands with all of my tiny might"/ "All of the fire I swallowed, all of the sparks that went down in my guts, I am always burning out"/ "I'll be the sweetest thing to ever scare you"

The Robin -> Red Hood transition is so seamless

-Little Soldiers by the Crane Wives

> "On the broken back of all the words we spared, Like little soldiers in the trenches; It was a march we made towards ruin and despair, But we held hands all the while"

I always rant about how how Jason's character and story is centered around love, this is the song that plays in my head while I'm yapping

-Blue Lips by Regina Spektor

> "He took a step but then felt tired, He said I'll rest a little while; but when he tried to walk again, he wasn't a child"

If you ever wanna be sad about Jason's resurrection, catatonia and stolen childhood, this is the song to listen to

-The Horrors and The Wild by The Amazing Devil

"Think of all the horrors that I promised I'd bring, I promise they'll sing of every Time you passed your fingers through my hair and called me child, Witness me old man I am the Wild"

> If Under The Red Hood has one song it's this one

-The Old Witch Sleep and The Good Man Grace by The Amazing Devil

"There's a fire burning/And I'm learning to be/So much more than my tiredness/ So much more than that old witch sleep wishes/ She kisses my eyelids, and I/Breathe"

> If Red Hood: Lost Days (minus the gross bits) has one song it's this one

-Elsa's song by The Amazing Devil

>"And you'll throw some sage and lillies/ And roses where I'll rot/ Of all the flowers you picked/I knew you would forget/ Forget-me-nots"

idk who Elsa is this is about how Jason was grieved but he wasn't remembered

(Yeah I'm pretty convinced that at least either Madeline Hyland or Joey Batey read Under the Red Hood so many of their songs fit so well I restrained myself to three but there are so many)

-A Burning Hill by Mitski

>"I'm tired of wanting more, I think I'm finally worn/ For you have a way of promising things/ And I've been a forest fire"

Jason admitting loss and giving up on begging Bruce is something that can be so personal actually

-Heaven Knows by The Pretty Reckless

>"Now you're on your knees with your head hung low/ Big Man tell you where to go/ Tell them it's good, tell them okay/Don't do a goddamn thing they say"

Crime Alley united!!! Also, "tell the big guy I said hello" :))) (the God/Batman amalgam in Death in the Family is such an incredible one-liner and works so well for Jason omg)

-For the Departed by Shayfer James

>"Now I must finished what I started/I'll write a symphony for the departed/And I have no time for second chances/ So I survive on bourbon blood and backward glances"

The amount of angst, dramatics and intense devotion to his cause at the cost of his life, the literature references, everything about this song? Jason at his angstiest for sure

-Goodbye by Bo Burnham

> "If I wake up in a house that's full of smoke I'll panic/So call me up and tell me a joke/ When I'm fully irrelevant and totally broken dammit/ Call me up and tell me a joke /Oh shit/ You're really joking at a time like this"

exploded warehouse parallel aside, this song feels like not being able to heal because you're not capable of asking for what you really need, wanting to come back but feeling like you aren't allowed to because it would ruin you or the you that was shaped by other's perception of you and most importantly, begging to matter and to have mattered. So. Jason.

[minniethemoocherda]

Can I Lay By Your Side?

Summary: In the aftermath of Sinister's attack, Morph struggles to get to sleep, so Logan keeps them company by watching a movie.

A/N: This fic can be read as a sequel to my other Morpherine fic "Loving You is a Losing game" but also works as a stand alone. Also cannot believe I have written two Morpherine fics in two days??? I am going insane right now!! Can't promise that any more fics about these two will be as consistent! Xxxxxx

Ao3

FF.net

Morph sat glued to the living room sofa, unable to make themselves move, terrified to go to bed to face the onslaught of nightmares waiting for them.

Mr Sinister's attack had been an ordeal for all the X-men, especially for the two Jeans and Scott who now had to grieve the loss of their son to the future. Morph's problems felt ridiculous in comparison. Sinister hadn't even controlled them again, not if you counted making Jean do it for him. There wasn't really anything for them to be upset about.

Yet every time they closed their eyes, they could feel the tendrils of Sinister's claws inside them. Morph scratched their arms, skin turning to gloop under their fingernails, digging for the mind control chips they swore they could still feel buried there.

"Pick one."

Logan slammed a box down on the coffee table in front of them, startling their edges back to a solid form.

"Huh?" Morph stammered, having not even heard their friend come in.

"We're watching a movie." Logan stated, pointing at the box.

Morph peeked over the edge to see a pile of rom-coms, their favourite genre.

"Unless you'd rather... talk... about it." Logan said, in a gruff imitation of Morph's offer back in the club. And on any other day, Morph probably would've excepted his offer, if it hadn't been Logan himself that had appeared in their nightmare. And there was no way in hell they were going to be talking to Logan about that.

"And miss the chance to finally make you watch Pretty Woman?" Morph replied, knowing that their attempt at a smile did not reach their eyes.

Thankfully Logan didn't comment on it and instead grabbed the VHS, wound it back with the tip of his claw and placed it in the player below the TV.

Morph was expecting Logan to sit in his usual spot at the other end of the sofa, so was therefore caught off guard when the Canadian sat right next to them.

They deliberately tried not to think about that fact as the opening credits started to roll. As it continued they found themselves becoming more engrossed in the film, admiring all of Julia Robert's iconic outfits, that red dress in particular giving them inspiration for whatever gala the x-men were next invited too. They allowed themselves get lost in the romance of a rags to riches tale as like all rom-coms the main character converged ever closer to a happy ending. The guaranteed happy ending, being the reason why the genre was their favourite in the first place.

The film even managed to get a chuckle out of Logan, which Morph counted as a win as they knew that with the revelation of an additional Jean, he had to be going through his own shit.

And when Morph's attention wavered and the edges of their skin started to droop, Logan placed his arm along the back of the sofa, his hand resting on their shoulder, effectively grounding them back to this reality.

Even if it did made it harder for Morph to as much attention to the movie afterwards.

Too soon the film finished and whilst Morph was feeling more solid, they still weren't ready for the concept of going to sleep yet.

Without even having to ask, Logan picked up the remote and rewound the tape back to the beginning, even though Morph knew that Logan wasn't a fan of films, rom-coms especially so. But he made no complaints as Richard Gere once again fell head over heals for the beautiful Julia Roberts.

Once again, the big ballgown scene played out and it was becoming a battle for Morph to keep their eyes open. Too exhausted to talk themselves out of it, hoping to conserve some of their energy into staying awake, Morph rested their head against Logan's shoulder. Expecting Logan to brush them off or turn it into another joke, they were surprised when he actually pulled them closer, his hand now properly gripping their shoulder as though they could physically shield them from their own nightmares.

And it must have worked as the next time Morph opened their eyes, daylight was flickering in through the living room windows. The first thing they noticed as they slowly came to their senses, was the low volume of the TV as it played the movie for what must've have been the tenth time. The next was that their whole body was pressed against Logan's side and that The Wolverine's hand had moved from their shoulder to their waist, hugging them even tighter.

"Sleep alright?" Logan asked, concern etched in the creases of his face.

Morph nodded, not trusting the words I love you to not tumble out of their mouth.

"Good," Logan said, those creases turning into a smile. "'Cus I can smell Jubilee making pancakes."

Of course that was when Morph finally woke up enough to realise that they were cuddling The Fucking Wolverine.

They practically ejected themselves from the sofa, putting as much distance between them and Logan as physically possible.

"Did you say pancakes?" Morph cried, acting as though their internal mental breakdown was actually just an over enthusiasm for food. "Why didn't you wake me up sooner?"

Not waiting to see Logan's reaction, they sprinted down the corridor to the kitchen, not realising until they were long gone that Logan must have stayed awake to protect them all night.