#thirst person shooter

[nerdsleaze]

The Crush House — A Dating Reality TV Show that's hiding a sinister secret 💀

The Crush House is the reality TV sensation of 1999, and it has a new producer: you. Playing as new hire Jae, take your camera into the show’s iconic Malibu mansion and keep viewers glued to their screens by filming all the drama, romance and tension that erupts. But fail to keep your audience entertained and you may suffer a fate worse than death: cancellation.

Websurf to https://thecrush.house to learn more about the Crush House mansion and the cast of sexy singles you’ll be pointing your camera at.

Source: @nerdsleaze

[fireworkss-exe]

how are people still thirsting over dahmer and other actual serial killers in 2024........thinking fictional murderers are hot is one thing but this is just so exhausting atp

[amiracleilluminated]

Film and produce 1999's hottest reality TV show: The Crush House! Select a crush-worthy cast, satisfy voracious audiences and keep the show on air to uncover the sinister secrets behind this darkly comic thirst-person shooter. The Crush House demo, 2024 Developed by Nerial, published by Devolver Digital

[literallys-illiteracy]

New Trailer thoughts and notes:

Oh wow im so gay:

Mommy? sorry. Mommy? sorry. Mommy? sorry. Mommy?

I dont even like Rodion, in fact i still dislike her but... Uh. wow?

Theres not too much to note here, im the EGO person not the ID analysis person (at least for now :3), but for the skills.

Skill 1 appears to be 2 coins piercing. Skill 2 appears to be 3 coins, likely Piercing. Skill 3 appears to be 4 coins, almost certainly Piercing as well. Unlike the other 2 La Mancha Land ID's we've received so far, she seems to have a skill 4 rather than an empowered skill 3, being Dulci's Finale attack, which appears to be 4 coins of AOE piercing.

Finally, she appears to mark the return of playable clashable counters, hopefully we get an unbreakable coin counter, but thats just being a bit too hopeful.

also this ID has the most fanservice of any in the entire history of the game, and of COURSE it needs to be on a character that i dislike just so i cant thirst as hard over her.

Fell Bullet Yi Sang:

First i want to note some things about the art within this EGO's art; most notably is the shattered glass effect and presence of the fluchshutz itself in the background, while it does appear in Heathcliff's fell bullet ID, with its back facing heathcliff's, instead it appears in the centremost shard, with its barrel facing Yi Sang's head.

This note is furthered by the awakening line making mention of "The gun barrel on *My* viscera", rather than another's as in the fluchshutze's story.

The second divergence from Heathcliff's art is the lack of the fluchshutze's traits, having not the halfed face covering that heathcliff had, nor the reddened scarf. This is notable for the main reason that, in the awakening animation of heathcliff's, his face was entirely obscured with said mask of the shooter — These differences in appearance could be due to a number of reasons, even as an arbitrary choice, but it is likely due to resonance with the EGO itself, Heathcliff's being much stronger and thus taking on more traits of the abnormality.

The third divergence and one i will return to later, is the lack of a pendant. If you look at the shooter's art, at Heathcliff's fell bullet art as well, there is a clear pendant visible around their neck, the last remnants of their loved past. Keep note of that i suppose.

Now onto the awakening skill, something interesting to note is the fact that it seems to hit an ally as well as multiple enemies, shooting through heathcliff's Heart'(?), (its not a visible enough detail to note for sure, but i am assuming that this is intended), just in the same way that the devil's final bullet peirced the heart of the freischutz. Also, I think that PM still don't really know how guns work, because, just like the Thumb's "Muskets" that is a rifle. Im not particularly into guns but im 90% sure so.

If we're counting friendly fire, then it seems to have an attack weight of 7, with the latter coin (as he fires twice) seeming to only hit 2, the ally and one of the enemies targeted by the first.

The Corrosion is interesting, the sprite making Yi Sang take the form of a mirror, likely the form of the pendant itself (although there are like 4 mirrors in the sprite so take with that what you will). Contrast this with Heathcliff's corrosion sprite, being that of the heart, for that same reason that Heathcliff seems to be the one used as a friendly fire target in the awakening, for the devil wishes for despair, and to eventually claim their heart.

The corrosion appears to have one coin, and about 6-7 attack weight, once again counting Heathcliff, who remains in the very centre of the ironsights, (Or scope rather, as the gun is changed in the corrosion to include one, despite the art of the Fluchshutz' depicting the ironsights.

The screen that flashes before the shot is "IFF system - Level 3: Deactivated". From what i've found, an IFF system is "Identification Friend or Foe" which should be pretty self evident to its relation here.

Ill make a longer/separate post discussing the WHY of Yi Sang getting this EGO, and any other tangents along the way, but from what it seems, this is likely going to be a Pride or Gloom skill (if i were to guess), and have 2 coins on awakening. It seems to be the first awakening since SOUPCLAIR to be indiscriminate.

[lillysbigwilly]

gamer!ellie headcanons

I’d like to imagine that gamer!ellie is also streamer!ellie because why not make a living doing something you love

Would 100% introduce her gf to her viewers on stream, probably playing a game together and letting it slip mid way that they where actually dating

Definitely googles her own name on any social media sight and sends any funny/thirst trap posts to you, her gf

loves and i mean loves seeing edits of her girlfriend (and those cheesy couple edits)

i feel like everyone thinks that ellie would bang out shooter games but personally i can see ellie sitting there for hours playing sims or stardew

when ellie’s streaming, she loves when you make an appearance. whether it’s coming in her gaming room and simply giving her water or dragging in a chair from the kitchen to sit and watch her game (her viewers also adores it)

i can imagine ellie doing a drunk stream with you and it’s on this stream where editors get their spicy content.

you and ellie basically grinding on each other to non copyright music. check.

ellie muttering cheeky comments towards you but forgetting how good her mic is (viewers absolutely swoon at her sweet talk)

comments like “the way they look at each other” and “i want love like them” or “i’m so jealous of them” being regular comments on posts and streams

almost all her posts on instagram are photos of you and her (and the others are just posts of you all dolled up)

elliewilliams

liked by y/n and 724,682 others

elliewilliams you are my forever <3

view all 10,563 comments

user1 they have my heart

user2 sleeping on the highway fr, in need of a love like theirs

user3 idk who i’m more jealous of, ellie or y/n

y/n i’ll love you always darling

first proper post lols, kinda nervous?!?? how do we feel about this, feel free to send requests!!

[fandomchokehold]

Origin Characters as Streamers

Shadowheart

Stardew Valley ✨QUEEN✨ (1000% romances either Haley, Abigail, or Sam)

Plays Minecraft on creative mode, she’s just here to make a cute house, have every animal, and frolic in a cherry blossom forest

Also enjoys cozy games like Spirit Farer, Animal Crossing: New Horizons, Cozy Grove, etc.

Her and Karlach sometimes play co-op horror games like Panicore, Phasmophobia, Escape the Backrooms because everything makes her scream and Karlach laughs at her (affectionately)

Gale

Absolutely DESTROYS old men in online chess

Plays Minecraft on hard mode and also BODIES Mario Maker (he has created the most sinister, infuriating, maddening levels)

Was definitely a Sonic kid, he knows the games are terrible but they’re so nostalgic and he loves making fun of them

Always tries to have a nice time playing Mario Party with Wyll, Karlach, & Astarion and they always end up screaming at each other

On the other hand he also does relaxing Pokémon card opening streams and cooking streams with Tara (he’s totally unaware of the tiktok thirst edits of him in his apron)

Karlach

Queen of first person shooters like Fortnite and Apex Legends, her and Wyll are unbeatable in DOOM (2016)

She more so likes cute cozy games that she can sip hot cocoa and snuggle up with a teddy bear while playing

Plays old shitty ps2 games based on media that chat requests like Bratz: Forever Diamondz, Barbie Horse Adventures, and Monsters, Inc.

Loves racing games (she’s terrible at them)

Loves fucking around in GTA 5 (she’s so good at it)

Every now and then does ghost hunting streams with whoever’s available (Shadowheart’s clinging to her the whole time, Gale is giving a thorough breakdown of the history of the location, Astarion is covering up his fear by saying everything’s the wind while also clinging to her, Lae’zel is actually looking for a living person in the building to fight, Wyll is cracking jokes and isn’t scared at all until he sees a door move and him and Astarion are in the car in 0.02 seconds)

Astarion

Loves visual novel romance games like Dream Daddy, Monster Prom, Raptor Boyfriend, etc.

Like Karlach he loves cozy games that let him get in his white girl autumn mode (lights off, candles lit, snuggled under a blanket, pumpkin spice latte and apple cider donuts nearby)

Definitely DOESNT CRY when he plays emotionally charged games especially where a beloved character dies, especially if it’s an animal, no he’s not pausing the stream to cry he just has to go pee-!

His most popular stream was playing A Way Out with Gale (he’d go from threatening Gale’s life for not being in sync to making jokes about the characters being them and also gay)

Does cosplay making streams, sews all of his costumes himself

Lae’zel

Queen of survival games like Subnautica, Rust, DayZ, Raft

Loves hand to hand and melee combat games like Bloodborne, Dark Souls, Elden Ring, Dragon’s Dogma; specifically medieval setting games cuz she gets fully immersed and dives deep into character as a knight

She’s bad at racing games; Mario Kart with Wyll, Astarion, & Karlach usually ends with her threatening to dox Astarion

⚔️BLACKSMITHING STREAMS⚔️ most of her viewers for these streams are old men who deeply fear and respect her

Wyll

KING of first person shooters and racing games; Fortnite, Overwatch, PUBG, and Call of Duty ✨champion✨

Slays at Nascar Rumble for the ps2 he’s always got the chicken truck

Is a speed runner for sure and loves doing funky challenges like beating Zelda: BOTW without clothes or breaking the game to take Sidon to Gerudo Town (think PointCrow type challenge videos)

Also likes games with emotional plots like SOMA, Alan Wake, The First Tree, What Remains of Edith Finch, etc. and he will cry on camera

Loves playing two player games with Astarion like Shovel Knight, Snipperclips, Portal 2, and Overcooked

Does late night bedtime story streams, makes his room look super cozy and uses a special ASMR microphone to read stories; takes requests from chat and doesn’t make anyone feel bad for what they want to hear unless it’s smut

All of them at least once a week either get together for a D&D stream or do a multiplayer stream and play:

Lethal Company

Among Us

Content Warning

Super Smash Bros. Ultimate

Dead by Daylight

Red Dead Online

Fall Guys: Ultimate Knockout

[olderthannetfic]

I remember all the handwringing over Reylo, how it would teach young girls that abuse was okay, how it would lead them to accept being mistreated, how liking him was as bad as a girl who thirsts over school shooters, etc. And yet look! Society has yet to become pro-abuse and the fans of the pairing who identify as women have not been murdered by their romantic partners en masse.

But despite this open contempt for the pairing, people also convinced themselves the only reason you could ship Kylo/any guy was hatred of women and not, y'know, trying to avoid the obsessed haters who had devoted anti-Reylo blogs for 5+ years. Also it was totally unhealthy of you to ship Kylo with anyone, said people with a dedicated blog where they discussed their hatred of a fictional man for half a decade, and you should get therapy for your sickness.

My personal least favorite moment of the the new trilogy fandom's plague of antis was them attacking a friend of mine. See, if you don't ship Finnrey, you're an anti-black racist (unless you ship Finnpoe in which case you are of course a misogynist fetishizing Poe, a space Latine). No one told my friend this, so she very obliviously drew some Finnlo, and all hell broke lose. People said it was like shipping a slave with a Nazi, that it demonstrated the dehumanization of black men by fandom, that it was akin to zoophilia since Kylo owned Finn, etc. It hit a peak of ridiculousness when someone self-harmed and sent my friend video of them doing so to show her how 'wrong' it was to ship the two.

My friend responded by contacting the parents of the person who self-harmed. Cue antis saying she was an adult harassing a minor. You know, because if one person is putting cigarettes out on themselves to spite someone on the internet and another person is saying "that's concerning", the latter is in the wrong, obviously.

I'm not even in this fandom but I support Reylo and Finnlo out of sheer spite at this point because I hated the manipulation and massive freakouts from the Finnrey crowd so much.

Sometimes people are going to ship something that's not your OTP and that's okay. It's not worth burning your skin off for.

--

Kylo is ew, but supposed Finn fans who can't even see that Finn also had an interesting potential connection with Kylo in that first film are idiots.

[adhderall]

ewww some retarded true crime person got suggested to me (she thirsts over ugly white boy school shooters which is extremely cringe)

[black-butterfly-system]

Columbine ft Skynd

A spark amongst the darkness, 

Lights up and motivates me, 

I understand what I want, 

I’m not special in this jock culture, 

Mistreatment every single day, 

Do I deserve it? I don’t think so,

Everyone is the same shitty human being, 

I imagine them all dead, 

And in order to feel alive, 

I’ll take violence as my personal path.

School? Battlefield, 

Two students? Ready for action, 

Their motive? Hatred

What they got? Thirst of fame, 

And their bags? Emotion.

Down, do you think I’m down?

When I point my gun at your head

You won’t think the same,

Down? Nobody is below anybody,

Making fun of me entertains you?

Not for long, I’ll teach you what fun is.

Ratatata-ratatata

I can imagine it

Ratatata-ratatata

I like what I see

Ratatata-ratatata

I wanna do it

Ratatata-ratatata

I enjoy grudges in motion.

I want to destroy you,

I want to dismember you,

I wanna see your blood stain around.

I want to explode you, 

Run, ‘cause I’m gonna hunt you,

I wanna see the horror on your face.

For the golden metal,

I’ll kill more,

I’ll be important,

Bombs, ammunitions and guns,

Of this game a mission,

11:14 AM, Columbine high school,

Ready, set, let’s get into action!

I kinda like you, so go away,

But you, mhhh, not that much, 

I choose my victims this way, 

Between life and dead,

I’m the one who chooses their end.

Down, everyone down,

As I walk I shoot them, 

Dead and hurt,

Falling everywhere, 

Down, everybody down,

I want you under my feet.

It’s relevance, 

Not revenge.

At the library I use my shotgun, 

And well, an easy instruction I say, 

“Athletes, get up”

“Up I said”

These retarded monkeys, 

Popular worthless shitheads, 

Don’t obey, 

So I shoot at the desks,

One lost his head,

Not a rhyme though,

Just ask the braindead.

They don’t wanna run, 

I don’t care, 

“Knock-knock”

You didn’t ask who’s there,

I drag a stupid away from the table, 

“I’m there” And put a bullet in her face,

Not surprising anyways.

I want to see your blood splatter the walls, 

To see you fly in pieces,

And watch as your bodies dance while receiving 

For multiple times the heat of my gun.

——————- Role exchange 

“Mom, I lost Stacy, I'm hiding in the restrooms”

I’m hearing gunshots, I try to be quiet,

But he gets into the room, 

I lift my feet from the floor,

I cover my mouth with my hands,

I try so he doesn’t notice me,

I’m trying not to cry,

I hug my schoolbag,

And take out my cellphone to write a message,

“I love you mom, I love you all”

He starts to walk, 

I’m breathing fast, I can hear my heartbeat, 

Coldly I sweat starts to fall, 

He kicks the door open,

I lose control, drowning,

I close my eyes, 

I hear he takes out the gun, 

I start to cry,

I try to grab the walls, 

Shaking my head “no”,

I’m gonna throw up.

I hear a gunshot.

Wait, what? The shooter killed himself right now!?

——————- Role exchange

Now, you all, listen, 

Pay attention to me,

Welcome to my world

Welcome to my life, 

Welcome to death, 

Have fun!

Now you all, listen to me, 

So, you like sport?

I present to you the game of death, 

You run, I aim, you die

And I score one more.

I explode the bombs, 

They throw themselves off the windows,

They try to block the doors, 

Adrenaline feeds from death,

My obsessive thoughts.

You thought I was kidding?

What am I doing this?

Oh, but it’s just a hobby, you know?

Fame and glory, 

Tell me why you deserve to live, 

I’ll discuss with my buddy whether you don’t.

People are ridiculous, 

I chase them,

And even without legs,

It’s like they want to run, 

While their blood drains off,

Thrilling energy fills me,

When I see how they crawl. 

Down.

Everybody to the floor.

Ready or not, there I go!

Ratatata-ratatata

To the rhythm of the bullets I’m marching,

Ratatata-ratatata

Prepare to die,

Ratatata-ratatata

I may want to use my knife on you,

Ratatata-ratatata

It’s so much fun.

[incurablyromanticsblog]

Watching Hang 'em High (1968)

Aww foal

Clint looking fine as always in assless chaps

WHAT THE FUCK

can't even enjoy a thirst watch im feeling such a thick despair rn

this dude really said i know you were just hanged but you've got get on your feet

meme that's relevant rn

knock off jesus...?

ok so the marshall didn't run to catch him and instead shot him and when he kept running he ... killed him?

'you chained him now you bury him' All cops have been bastards always.

this lady's hair doesn't seem historically accurate but what do i know

he's like a sad mangy dog

ELEVEN DOLLARS FOR ALMOST GETTING LYNCHED

'when you hang a man you better look at him'

"tell you what deputy marshall when I woke up and saw that gun pointing at my mouth and you at the end of it..." thats sus

"I can't get aboard cause my hands are tied, you're going to have to help me" me if I were arrested by Clint Eastwood

this movie is just him going through it

oh god... the kill me scene....

Judge: I'm proud of you marshal jed cooper

Cooper: I think I died 3 days ago

is she.... going to feed him too?

finally he got some action, would have liked to see it tho :/

"Just put it on your expense card" "Under what?" LMAO

WHAT IS THIS JUDGE DOING??

THOSE BLONDE BOYS?? one is 18 the other is 16...

thats hot

why are they calling this old punk captain?

Gang member 1: what we've been doing...it was right...hanging the wrong man doesn't change that

Gang member 2: my wife is so hot she'll definitely cheat on me when I'm in jail

"But they won't have been lynched they'll have been judged" sometimes two things are the same

People coming to see the hanging as if it's a sports match...this seems relevant still..

cooper watching the two boys go up for hanging...and his lynch scar in plain sight...

Cooper said i can't bear this and went to go get laid and then he gave up and abandoned the woman to watch the hanging

The judge crying like you ass you could have stopped this, YOURE THE JUDGE

ok she's imagining going on a carriage ride with clint eastwood. I can understand that.

aww they're having a picnic now...

I GUESS MY LIFE ISN'T WORTH TWO KISSES

they had this whole romantic short film for him to DUMP HER?

this last scene is very the good the bad and the ugly core like when those bandits are coming to kill blondie

HE HUNG HIMSELF

Don't know how to feel about the ending.. and given the context of the movie i think thats a good thing. He wants to quit and wants the one man who shouldn't die pardoned, he wants to save at least one person. And the judge says ok but only if you keep being marshall. And coop agrees. i'm upset he didn't quit but hey i get it.

Note: this is giving me Shooter starring Mark Wahlberg vibes.

Overall rating i'd say is about 9/10 cause the ending missed some vibes, its not racist that's always a plus.

10/10 for Clint Eastwood in pain and whimpering the original reason i wanted to watch the film but i ended up sitting through what came off as a Anti Death Penalty film.

Up next is Coogan's Bluff (1968)

[blasphemme]

just finished call of duty black ops. here are some (long, comma abusing, mostly tangentially related) thoughts after playing it for the first time for anyone who might read them!

altogether the campaign was fine, i guess.

as many others have in the past few years following the modern warfare remakes, my online activity has been inundated with thirst edits made of characters in call of duty — despite having never played the games myself. they’re not my thing.

my flatmate, however, has played them. he played them as a kid when they were being released, and he has had the misfortune of being on the receiving end of me watching these edits and reading fanfics (shout out early 351780!!). increasingly annoyed at my thirsting, he has forced me to play every call of duty campaign on the xbox 360.

i’ve found that i actually really enjoy playing cod. it’s enjoyable, action packed and, most importantly, quite compelling. they’re something i’d never have considered playing without him pushing me to play them. i’m more of an assassin’s creed/ace combat/nier girl and always have been. the closest i’d been to playing a shooter before this experience was playing gta, badly.

my flatmate knew my priorities. after an introduction to the premise with world at war — the first game in the black ops series, which i promise i will get to at some point — we played the original modern warfare campaigns first, because i am a wee bit in love with captain john price, and i loved them. the stories, while simple enough to follow (and already knowing about the main character deaths in advance — it’s a 10+ year old series, after all!), were emotionally evocative. i found myself becoming attached to the protagonists quickly and deeply, all the while having a whale of a time fucking around in the rest of the mission. this girl loves just walking onto grenades! between world at war and the modern warfare trilogy of campaigns, i was hooked from the start.

i realise now that i have been spoiled. those campaigns were just too good.

black ops’ campaign pales in comparison to the other four games i’ve played. i will admit that it is still fun — very fun! i enjoyed the feeling of progressing from one badass area to the next, with sam worthington’s horrific american accent and gary oldman’s alright russian accent pushing me through. i also have to admit that i still play like an absolute scrub, but the enjoyment i got from it outweighed the frustration. (mostly.)

black ops lacks the charm and depth i loved in world at war. while fun, every plot twist was spotted as soon as it was hinted to, much to my flatmate’s dismay. it took one guy telling mason to get a hold of himself for me to figure out the twist around reznov, and one recitation of the numbers on the way to the pentagon for me to figure out that mason would go on to kill kennedy. this, in particular, also felt like a bit of a cop-out — having this confirmed in a post-credits scene was disappointing, when i’d gone through the whole game and sat through an eminem song in the credits expecting a sequence where i’d be on the grassy knoll just to end up in a round of zombies. honk shoo.

modern warfare — modern warfare 2 in particular (kevin mckidd’s soap my beloved <3) — introduced new mechanics that’d be used once or twice in the whole game, most of which i enjoyed. the missions where you have to assist tf141 from an ac130 in the first game? stellar. absolutely unmatched. all ghillied up can go fuck itself on a gameplay front though, fuck you if you think i’m gonna figure out what the coriolis effect is. in black ops, the helicopter sequences felt like hate crimes against me personally. poorly designed flight controls and awful combat mechanics combined to make a literally unplayable pair of missions involving attacking other helicopters that i had to beg my flatmate to complete for me. embarrassing.

this game is utterly us army propaganda. the epic final shot in the campaign after killing dragovich — where suddenly 3 aircraft carriers are there waiting for you flying star spangled banners, and 8 fighter jets pass overhead — only resulted in making me cringe and laugh in disbelief, where in 2010 it would’ve made young men enlist. world at war at least has the balance of ‘war is cool and we’re the best’ in the pacific segments and ‘war sucks, actually,’ in the eastern front segments. modern warfare, too, falls face first into the latter, and that’s part of what i enjoyed about it.

even the little fun things weren’t as enjoyable. i didn’t have a favourite gun, or a favourite mission. the star cast choices were okay, but nothing to call home about. there wasn’t a ‘production babies’ segment in the credits, and they made me listen to eminem and pink. what the fuck?

altogether, black ops 1 has the worst campaign of the franchise i’ve played so far. next we’re onto black ops 2, which hopefully won’t come with a free personal statement like this one, and which i’ve been told is one of the best games ever made. we’ll see.

3/10

[landsailorsky]

What Social Media the Straw Hats Would Use:

Luffy:

-Youtube- Watches videos of bugs.

-TikTok- Makes poorly shot videos of trending dances, devolving into fights. Almost no followers.

Zoro:

Can't figure out how to open apps, throws his phone. Watches YouTube with Luffy and films fights with him.

Nami:

-Instagram- filled with thirst traps.

Bio has a link to her CashApp and OnlyFans.

Usopp:

Has a podcast telling tales of his adventures. Few listeners.

"Sniper King":

Twitch- Streams first-person shooter games for a fairly large following.

Sanji:

-Reddit- Often getting into arguments (and getting banned) on r/kitchenconfidential about wasting food.

-Podcasts with Usopp.

-Biggest spender on Nami's OnlyFans

Robin:

-Tumblr- Leaves unsolicited morbid comments on aesthetic photos. Mostly posts about archeology.

-Twitch- Streams indie and horror games.

Chopper:

-Kid's Youtube- He read the terms and conditions and was too young to download any other app, so he didn't. Watches cartoons.

Franky:

-Twitter- Always letting people know he's a freak. Defending kinks. Posting Transformer's porn.

Brook:

-SoundCloud-For his music.

Insists he isn't interested in social media, would rather read a book. He's hiding a phone behind it. And is looking at Nami's OnlyFans.

[joanofsnarrrk]

Fic: I’ve Got Phil! - Chapter One

SUMMARY: Or five times Claire realized her husband was a thirst trap — well, more accurately, her particular brand of duck swaddling, magic loving, realtor swaggering "me likey.”

I'm super late to the Modern Family train, but I'm here now, nine seasons deep. Imagine my shock at the complete lack of Claire/Phil fic, as their dynamic is one of my favorite things in the series. So rather than work on any of my other in-progress fics, I brainstormed this in a Ty Burrell crush-infused haze. The idea  is that this will be a multi-chapter effort, and each chapter takes place during a certain number of years into their marriage. 

Join me in my three-years-too-late sitcom ship obsession!

Can also be found on AO3.

——————

i. 16 years

The bake sale is a huge hit, but no one—and Claire means no one—is going anywhere near her brownies. Brenda Sherman's no-bake cheesecake squares, though, people can't seem to get enough of those. At one point, the line was wrapped around as far as the restrooms, back near the face painting station, where she's currently stuck.

And, sure, Claire's brownies were a secret recipe (the secret? She picked them up from Ralph's on her way over), but so what? She's just a woman who gave up a lucrative marketing career to basically be a full-time chauffer to three mostly ungrateful kids she loves very much. She barely has time to put on clean clothes, let alone make homemade baked goods for some dumb middle school carnival put on by the PTA.

The only reason she's here in the first place (and not at home taking care of a grotesquely sick Luke) is because Cynthia Williams—Anthony's mom—sent out an email blast saying anyone who volunteered for the carnival wouldn't need to sell wrapping paper for the winter fundraiser in a few months. So, one less thing Claire has to commit to? Like music to her ears.

What's not music to her ears is the way Brenda Sherman sidles up beside her—in her pearls and immaculately pressed slacks—to say, "Thanks so much for coming out to help tonight, Claire!"

Claire takes in Brenda's cardigan and complete lack of undereye circles (seriously: how?) with total suspicion. Much like her daughter, Annabella (at least from what Alex has told them), Brenda is usually a complete kiss-ass. She'd definitely fall under that 'lawful good' category from that game thing Phil and Mitch sometimes play—at least on the surface, anyway. Claire's still not entirely convinced she's not some kind of undercover lizard person.

Her instincts are right on when, before she can get a word in, Brenda adds innocently, "Every little bit counts, you know. And, gosh, Claire—you're so consistent in being a minimalist in so many areas of your life, especially your wardrobe. It's what I admire most about you. The fact that you never let your vanity get in the way of how you present yourself."

Claire thinks about the way her own hair is unceremoniously piled up on her head with a butterfly clip, the way her shirt probably—wait, yup, definitely—has a small vomit stain on it from Luke's antics earlier in the day. She thinks she might snap a crown, the way she grinds down on her teeth and forces a smile. "And that's what I love about you, Brenda. You're always so lavish with your compliments."

It's like one of the old westerns her dad used to make her watch, the way they stand off, but it's in a PTA mom world, so instead of a six-shooter, Claire just draws her most winning smile and forces her attention back on the kid whose face she's painting. Only when the sound of Brenda's footsteps fades under the din of the rest of the carnival does Claire allow herself to grumble.

Gruffly, she holds up a mirror to the kid. "There. You're done."

The kid pouts. "What is it?"

"It's a... pinecone. Or something."

"It looks like poop."

"Just go." She all but pushes the kid out of the stool.

It's not until her own stomach growls that she realizes she hasn't eaten anything since breakfast (one measly slice of toast). Mind made up, she places an "ON BREAK" sign on the recently vacated stool—much to the chagrin of the considerable line of parents and students waiting their turn—and makes her way over to the bake sale table.

When the coast is clear, she snatches one of Brenda's no-bake cheesecake squares and—holy mother of God is it good. She allows herself a muffled moan of pure delight before wallowing in the unfairness of it all.

"Did you see Kevin Peralta's father?"

Immediately, her ears perk up. A group of moms is huddled together (including Brenda) nearby. It's a school-wide known fact that Kevin Peralta's dad is otherworldly fine. Claire casually hangs around trying to listen in. The group is made up of notorious gossip hounds, but sometimes the intel is good.

One of the moms—Tara Perez's mom, Claire thinks—pipes up: "The man's a contractor. There's no way he should look that good."

"I'm not saying it was me," Cynthia Williams insists, "but as soon as someone mentioned a dunk tank fundraiser at the last board meeting, he was voluntold for the position."

Another mom: "Those arms, though... mmm, mmm."

Brenda sighs. "I would gladly let that man stake claim to my construction zone any time."

Claire follows their line of sight over to Kevin Peralta's dad, who is glistening like some kind of Adonis from his throne in the dunk tank. He does, in fact, have great arms, one of which he's lifting to run his fingers through his recently drenched hair. As Claire watches a bead of water travel from his glistening smile, along the column of his throat, down, down his flat stomach into the waistband of his swim shorts, which are slung low on his hips, she allows herself to briefly fantasize...

Claire, I called the plumber. I recognize my limitations, and I think it would be best to let a professional fix the dishwasher. Claire, it's not you. The remote is a faulty piece of junk. Claire, I did something for the kids without you having to ask. Claire, I finally fixed that step. Let me use my big, strong arms to lift you onto the kitchen counter, and—

"Phil Dunphy on the other hand..."

At the mention of her husband, Claire's ripped from her fantasies (equal parts guilty and grudgingly). She listens in more intently.

"Oh, my God!" This from Cynthia Williams. "He's such a goober."

"I don't know," Maybe Tara Cruz's Mom says, "I think he's cuter in real life than on those cheesy bench ads. What he's doing with Claire, though, I'll never know. Even for someone as embarrassing as him, it's a step down."

Okay. Claire's fists clench at her sides, crushing her no-bake cheesecake square paper plate. Maybe Tara Cruz's Mom is dead.

She takes a moment to briefly glance over at Phil, who insisted on volunteering even though no one asked him to. He has on a magician's top hat and a cape, white gloves and all, and is currently trying to dazzle a group of sixth graders with some card tricks. Only she can tell his enthusiasm isn't all the way up at one hundred percent because he was really counting on Luke to be his sidekick for the night.

The fact that he loves Luke that much... Something about the sight makes her heart feel incredibly full, until—

"Could you imagine? I bet he does magic tricks in bed." Brenda laughs at her contribution, while the other women snicker. "God," she adds, "what a loser."

That's the moment Claire goes absolutely postal. She marches over to the group.

"Hi. Hey." She squeezes inside the circle and takes in everyone's suddenly slack jaws with total delight. "Yeah, it's me, Claire. The step down? Just wanted to come over here and say you all are mean ladies. I can't imagine why it's hard to find volunteers, Cynthia, when they can look forward to being insulted behind their backs. Have a wonderful rest of your evening."

She waggles her fingers at all of them before walking away, head held high. Her heart is pounding, but what a rush! In her adrenaline/anger-fueled rage, something occurs to her. She stalks back to the group, who is still stunned into silence, and focuses all of her attention on Brenda.

"Oh, and, Brenda?" She waits until she has the woman's full attention. "Phil does do close up magic in bed, and when he says, 'for my next trick, I'm going to make your clothes disappear,' it's... it's hot as hell!"

And then with as much dignity as she can muster, Claire makes a beeline straight for Phil.

His face lights up when he sees her. He bows with a flourish to his audience, then lightly jogs to meet her about a quarter of the way. "Hey, Hon—!"

Before he can get the full word out, Claire grabs him by the cape on both sides and pulls him in for a, frankly, completely inappropriate kiss for a PTA-run middle school carnival. When she pulls back, Phil fixes his hat and looks equal parts stunned and totally into it.

"Claire! What—?"

"Let's get out of here."

Phil looks torn. "I-I can't. I'm just about to start the Serpant's Kiss. It involves a straightjacket, but I can't go into more detail because I'm already on thin ice with the guild as it is, and—"

"Phil, I have an act I've been working on, and I'd really like to try it out."

Somehow, Phil's eyes darken even more. "You do?"

Claire sidles up to him and whispers in his ear, "I do. It's a trick where I make your pants disappear."

"Technically," he corrects, voice barely above a whisper, "that's a vanishing illusion—"

"Oh, my God, Phil," Claire breaks the spell a moment out of frustration, but she shakes it off and tries again. "I don't think you're quite getting this. I want. To make. Your pants. Vanish."

She can feel him shudder, and when she pulls away, she watches as his throat works through a swallow.

"Houdini's haunches," he says in complete reverence, his gaze never wavering from hers. "What did I do to deserve such perfection? Martin!" he shouts, eyes still riveted on hers.

A pudgy seventh grader makes his way over to them. Phil shucks off his top hat, cape, and gloves and practically shoves them at the kid.

"Martin," Phil instructs, still not taking his eyes off Claire. "At last, the apprentice becomes the master. You must take over and finish the show." Phil grabs Claire's hand and starts pulling her toward the exit. Over his shoulder, he cries, "Remember your training!"

"What the hell are you talking about, man?" Martin calls after them.

But Claire doesn't care. Phil has already started working on his belt by the time they reach the double doors that lead out to the parking lot. Before they leave fully, Claire turns around and manages to find Brenda over at the face painting station. She flashes Brenda a triumphant grin before she laces her fingers with Phil's.

In the end, they both end up making each other's pants and dignity disappear when a school security guard taps on their fogged-up car windows and catches them mid-act. After an excruciatingly humiliating conversation about appropriate school grounds behavior, they Rock, Paper, Scissors for it. Phil is the one who has to tell Alex why she has to take the bus to school for the next week.

[lumpsbumpsandwhumps]

hello I feel like I owe you an apology for being so blunt with asking for the “pb/antifa whump”, I get that probably threw you and a lot of other people off. The reason I’ve been asking for this stuff was because I always thought that there could be a really interesting story with the theme of the pb/antifa, given their history with each other, and when I discovered this whump community I thought it would be interesting to see a story like that involving whump. But anyway, I’m sorry if it made you uncomfortable.

Friend, listen, I'm willing to play devil's advocate for you because liking whump really is something that involves a complicated moral standpoint for some people. I mean look at me, I'm happily making thirst traps of a serial killer who tortures and assaults his victims, and other people eat that shit up. Who am I to draw the line in the sand?

But that request is, I think, too real for most people's taste. At least here. PB brutalizing individuals personally and at rallies are already a dime a dozen, unfortunately. Why would I seek out a serialization of what I can get 20 news articles on from a Google search? That's not a narrative I or a reader can control to our liking, that's just a sad reality a lot of people have to suffer through.

Not to mention there's no fun in rooting for a villain like that. There's no comeuppance, there's no redemption, there's no sinister nature we can safely explore. Incredible, the white supremacist beats the shit out of someone who's more than likely queer/POC/underage/etc or any combination and faces no repercussions. That's not something a lot of people want to read for fun, especially when they themself are more likely to identity as the whumpee in this scenario, which further reinforces the horrible truth they already deal with in real life.

It'd be like asking for a KKK!Whumper and a BLM!Whumpee, or an ICE!Whumper and an immigrant!Whumpee, or a shooter!Whumper and a student!Whumpee. Can you seek out, or even write these situations yourself? Sure. Genuinely wouldn't surprise me if there are people out there who happily create that kind of content. But...why? Don't you get enough of that injustice in real life? Why does it being fictional make it any better when it honestly isn't as fictional as you think.

But then, of course, it all comes back around to: who am I to tell you what you can and can't like in whump? Who's anyone to say how far is too far when we go about our day mercilessly brutalizing (or killing) silly little characters for the fun of it? They don't get happy endings, they don't get justice, so why get upset over this?

I can't answer that, I'm not a sociologist or philosophy major. So I'll just say that that's territory that goes too far for me, and I think it does for most people here on Tumblr which is a fairly left leaning/liberal platform all things considered. You aren't going to find that kind of content from me. Now that's not say I might never write a whumpee character experiencing some form of verbal/physical assault due to their race/gender/orientation and so on, but it's not the focus and it's most certainly not meant to be the highlight of the arc.

If you genuinely want recc's for that, I'd recommend giving 4chan a browse. They love violence and owning the libs, I'm sure someone has a couple greentexts of what you're looking for at the very least.

And again, you're more than welcome to make your own content to share, but if that's the vibe you're going with then you're not going to get very many fans here. We do our best to put content warnings for EVERYTHING in our writing/art because different things trigger different people even if we're all in the same fucked up li'l community.

Good luck in your endeavors, my dude. You won't find it on my blog.

[yeehawkins]

been thinking on this but my new love and enjoyment of the modern warfare 2 remake is kinda similar to my love for the punch out wii remake

i'll at least give yall the courtesy of a read more and a sort of tl;dr

basically:

cod mw2 2022 🤝 punch out 2009 remakes that got me interested in games i was otherwise not interested in

at it's core, the OG punch outs are super simple. weak kid beats up boxers of stereotypical nationalities. but the remake added a bit more personality to the fighters! speaking in their native language, more spotlight on their fighting quirks, pre-fight movies about the fighters

the game is still the same concept, but with a marginally more fleshed out world!

and then COD, the original games' main focus was the gameplay. other than, one certain infamous mission, i never heard people talk about the story of the game (to the point that until i heard about that one mission, i didn't think there WAS a campaign to it!). it was always about the multiplayer

the mw2 remake i see SO many people talking about the characters and the story! of course most of that is thirst but still a good handful who enjoy the characters non-carnally. plus while i don't have experience with any other cod game campaign, i really developed an interest the story and the interactions between all the characters

this isn't to shit on either franchise! the old PO games have their charm still (as do any arcade n classic console games), and COD obviously is a household name for a reason. that reason for both of them however is their gameplay, which is not a bad thing! not every single game needs the most #deep story on earth

but as someone who never really wore the nostalgia goggles for either series (either bc i wasn't born yet (and had no gaming influence to pick it up once i was) or i was just shy of the target demographic and age upon release), there's a draw for me seeing the curtain get pulled back a bit and show there is a world and characters in these games (even if for PO you gotta use a bit more imagination for it lol)

addition to this tangent: i was gonna flat out say "i'm not one for shooters" but i fucking love splatoon. thinking on it, the creativity of splatoon's 3rd person shooter concept is what drew me in, but i dare argue that the world built around it (all the lore, the general vibe of the universe of that game) is what solidified my staying love of it. the multiplayer is the draw and main reason people get the game, but the story is good too, and you bet your ass i'm hype for whatever the dlc story will bring way down the line

[writer59january13]

The emotional, mental and spiritual fallout courtesy Colt Gray

Apalachee High School,

located in Winder, Georgia

witnessed an active shooter, whereby the alleged lone gunman (actually just a teenager of fourteen years) killed four people and injured nine more the latter hospitalized with injuries after a shooting Wednesday (June 4th, 2024) morning.

His (the lad who pulled the trigger on the firearm – an AR platform-style gun) father and mother must be held culpable,

and similar to the slain victims surviving kith and kin probably experience immense grief (at least I would hope). Yours truly (me), a married sexagenarian and proud papa, whose two grown daughters;

a twenty five old, lives in Bend, Oregon and eldest - almost twenty six months her kid sister's senior resides within bucolic Ithaca, New York, whereby he himself dwells at Highland Manor Apartments smack dab within the heart of

Perkiomen Valley, Pennsylvania nestled here within suburban southeastern Montgomery County

deeply affected by the tragedy

(as well as most previous occurring violent, nasty, and brutish bloody crimes.

The Second Amendment of the United States Constitution protects the right of Americans to keep and bear arms. The original text of the Second Amendment is:

“A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed”. The Second Amendment was ratified on December 15, 1791. Its origins can be traced back to ancient Roman and Florentine times, and to the late 16th century in England when Queen Elizabeth I required all classes of people to take part in a national militia. I (a slight baby boomer at approximately seventy inches tall from stem to stern

targeted as "scapegoat" during boyhood),

no longer a ticking time bomb harboring

rage against the machine,

would never buy nor use a weapon intended to fire rapidly loosing countless bullets, nevertheless writer of these words empathizes, sympathizes and telepathizes third-person singular simple present indicative forms of empathize, sympathize, and telepathize respectively

with the predictable cited suspect, who frequently trends toward being a quiet natured, nerdy lad at the receiving end of verbal and physical harassment.

Still back in the day mean kids indiscriminately name called me attendant with closed fists mere inches from my face - both boys and girls made a point to assail introspective severely shy Matthew Scott Harris

pleading with cruel, fiendish, imps - of the pervert please don't hurt me and repeated the following saying: sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me (or so the playground adage wants us to believe). Words do hurt and the shame

those words can instill in us

have a way of instigating and perpetuating inferiority complex

in our minds and our bodies.

Easy access to high powered military grade sophisticated woud find blunderbuss quaint.

More often than not such brutal and nasty (short lived) nefarious schemes directed at humble lettered people (like those comprising my home town of Lake Woebegone) minding their own p's and q's, when out of the blue a sudden bitta bing bitta bang rings the terrorist catcall followed by red tide and river of blood. Thus occurs yet another staccato sinister sonic soundcloud boom across the pearl gray slate of some formerly anonymous place-name. which blitzkrieg of shells shattering (at shutterfly speed) the democratic rubric of society with senseless slaughter, whereat somber silence echoes the wails of agony.

This epidemic re: murderous love affair with gruesome morbid fixation allowing, enable and providing the terrifying trappings for angry person to maniacally gun down (in slo mo) a milling crowdsource (perhaps pathetic plan premeditated) employing coterie of odious loading incendiary fiery clips.

Suicide bombardier seeks to slake thirst to take aim with deadly precision, and spray with pump posse city, a congregated engaged group of people), with egregious fulfillment to mow down slew unsuspecting victims, which bring revulsion to this American citizen.

Death be not proud, nor ought airtime allocated to these heinous cavalier avengers. Foe tee eight hour special proffers especial easy access to sophisticated high caliber compact offspring of rapaciously lethal gimcrackery cutlasses. Sorrow soulful songs sung by the likes of death cab for cutie in tandem with foo fighting beastie boys pay homilies and homage to grateful dead. Fetishistic martyrs wannabe set sights of sister and brothers of their same simian species.

Once target(s) locked and stocked per skull and cross bones, the ammunition barrels at greased lightning speed dead set upon unaware persons. the final minutes/seconds of various lives instantaneously cut short, when instagram cross hairs seal the fate upon avast group of happy go lucky men and women. Instantaneous re: within the blink and/or flickr of and eye, the gallivanting live capital one progressive pinterest-ting human hulu hooping unwittingly accompany the grim reaper as riders to final resting place. Ribald exhortations and allegiance gifted from he/she who ushered in bereavement, where grief experiences a field day, whence pandora gorges philabundance like, as incalculable forsaken emptiness doles bleakness upon a grim outlook brought about per spilt blood, sweat and tears tallying the cost.

Mortal kombat rues unfathomable payless priceline, which induces adrenaline to course thru the melee, where survivors sprint non selfie ish lee to a safer outlook, where moments before the collective asylum seekers indulged in a joyus fancy feast per vanity fair, whence diehard fanatic (attired inconspicuously like some dishabille schlepper of an outlier) pulled the trigger releasing high powered voluminous ammunition loaded murderous mass homicidal instrument.

Netzero escape for those unfairly killed in ceaseless undeclared warfare, whereby killer (ofttimes a pissant punk) cooly unleashes fearsome fusillade from out the barrel per his/her lethal methodological munitions.