#third option it's This Must Be The Place and I never emotionally recover

[jonathanbyersphd]

Jonathan Byers cried himself to sleeping thinking he killed his little brother

Unrelated, I SURE hope someone knows his favorite song

[thedistantstorm]

Project Compass 11

Read Along on AO3 Here

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This time: Thrawn tells Ezra a story. Un’hee takes matters into her own hands.

Next time: Thrawn and Eli visit Thrass at the Mitth family estate on Copero. Thrass is brought up to speed on developments within the CDF.

-/

“Thrawn?” Ezra waved a hand in front of his face. He hadn't responded in nearly thirty seconds, withdrawing hard into his thoughts. When the Chiss finally blinked, he ventured, “You alright?”

“I am fine,” Thrawn said slowly. His tone was normal, and his face was characteristically expressionless. It was his eyes that betrayed him. “I have much to think about,” He said. “Thank you for informing me-”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Ezra said, kicking off his boots beside Thrawn’s bed in an act of courtesy while ignoring his obvious dismissal. “If it’s all the same to you, I’m going to meditate in here.” There was a spark to the Force-sensitive human’s eyes that said he’d be sticking to Thrawn, whether he liked it or not.

“As you wish.”

The lack of a stern refusal or glare, even the slightest tick of his mouth to indicate his displeasure did not come. Ezra thought that was rather telling, as much as the shock radiating off Thrawn in the Force. Ezra kneeled at the edge of Thrawn’s bunk and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath and preparing himself to sink into the familiar waters of meditation.

Thrawn was not a being who slumped, but when Ezra reached out with the Force, he felt the pressure of the older man's tumultuous emotions pressing down upon him like a physical weight. This, Ezra realized, was more than just friendship. His feelings of despair and responsibility were overwhelming. Thrawn saw himself as a leader. A commanding officer. His futility hit like a tsunami, a wave that threatened to sweep Thrawn away with it.

A moment more, Ezra reflected on him in the Force. "I think you should talk to him," He said, keeping his eyes closed.

The only sound in the room was their breathing. Thrawn might have looked Ezra's way, assessing him, but Ezra remained smooth and serene, mostly adrift in his abilities. It was a Kanan move, Ezra thought, offering up his own longing and grief to the Force. He didn't have to open his eyes to know that Thrawn was in fact staring at him.

"It was a military exercise and therefore classified. I am his subordinate. It would be inappropriate."

Ezra exhaled, then inhaled deep and even, willing himself to settle back within the flow of the Force. Thrawn didn't seem keen on continuing to speak, and so Ezra let his consciousness expand, feeling the threads and patterns that the Force cast around everything. He felt his own connections, the unlikely friendship he'd fostered with Thrawn, his relationships among the crew scattered about the levels above and below him. And like a beacon, he sensed the Navigators: clear and bright. Vah'nya, in particular, was like a light in a storm, brilliant and strong within the Force. She must be instructing the other Navigators, smaller, fledgling bright spots that twinkled like newborn stars.

He wasn't sure how long he drifted like that before bringing his mind back to his immediate surroundings, but Thrawn had recovered somewhat and was watching him tentatively when he surfaced from his meditative state. He seemed wary, Ezra thought, but composed.

"How would you go about it?" Thrawn asked him while he stretched his legs. "If our roles were reversed."

Ezra considered. Carefully, he said, "I'm not sure I have enough information to tell you."

That gave the Chiss pause, but only for a second. Seeming to make up his mind, Thrawn asked,"When is your next lesson?"

"This afternoon, after the mid-day meal. Fourteenth hour," He said, though he suspected Thrawn already knew. It was an out, if Ezra desired one. He did not.

"Very well," Thrawn replied. "I shall start at the beginning."

-/

It sounded like a holonovel, even in Thrawn's emotionally devoid tone, his recollection almost as neutral as a third party narrator. Or, at least, that's how it started. Thrawn spoke of Ivant as an impressionable, kind-hearted, but highly intelligent cadet who had been treated poorly and discredited due to his Wild Space heritage. Thrawn had seen something worth considering in him, and that one life had been of such little consequence to the Emperor that he'd given Vanto over like he was pet, not a person.

Ezra held back commentary or judgement even as Thrawn described upending Vanto's desired career path. "He would have been wasted on supply," Thrawn said. "He did not recognize his own abilities because he had never been put into a place to allow them to flourish. It mattered little to the Empire who was kept at my side, thus I was able to teach him to see and understand."

A lot of Thrawn's story was military procedure and function. Lessons Vanto had learned with Thrawn's guidance. Vanto's political insight, which Ezra read into as a shortcoming on Thrawn's part. He learned way too much about a rebel named Nightswan, whom Vanto and Ezra clearly agreed had been an obsession on Thrawn's part, even if he was rarely wrong about the man's motives and operations.

He learned a lot about Pryce, too. Pryce, who he'd always known was evil, but hearing about Batonn only solidified everything. In learning about her hand in Thrawn and Vanto's paths, Thrawn had touched on something else. He'd glossed over it, but Ezra hadn't been fooled.

"She saw Vanto as your weakness," Ezra mused. "He was being treated unfairly, and it was something you wanted, rather than needed. He could have stayed an Ensign but it would have been cruel."

"Yes, although it was Tarkin who facilitated the promotion," Thrawn recalled, "Pryce had been critical in removing that block. I am to believe it was one of Tarkin's enemies that caused the issue in the first place. Vanto seemed aware of it, though he did not share his concerns in this matter with me after it had been made clear I was recommending him for commendations at every opportunity."

"Huh," Ezra murmured. "Go on."

Thrawn did. Towards the end, something had changed about his relationship with Vanto. They had gone from Admiral and Commander to what Ezra would definitely classify as friends. Thrawn was proud of Vanto's progress, his ability to think tactically, while substantially different from Thrawn's art-inspired studies, were impressive. In many ways they understood each other, but they respected their differences and individual personalities. "He would become a great leader, someday," Thrawn said. "I knew there was no possible way for him to do so under me, and no way the Empire would take him seriously after a career at my back. And with Nightswan no longer an option, I decided to present him with an opportunity."

"What would you have done with Vanto if you had been able to send Nightswan here?"

Thrawn's lips thinned into a frown. "It is uncertain." One possibility, Thrawn reasoned, was that he would have seen Karyn Faro through to command her own fleet, and that he would have pushed for Vanto to be made his true second in command. He doubted it would be made so without extreme hardships and potential career suicide for one or both of them, now. Would conflicts have evolved similarly, otherwise? It was impossible to say.

Eventually he'd continued, giving a brief summary of Vader aboard the Chimaera after Atollon, of the Grysk and the Navigators, and then he'd moved on. There was no ill-will toward the Rebels or Ezra detected. It was strange, in a way, but Ezra didn't dwell on it.

There were more pressing matters.

"You gave him the TIE Defenders?" Here Ezra's voice rose sharply in disbelief.

"For a brief operation, yes," Thrawn confirmed silkily. "The pilots respected him as their Commander, and would heed his word as if it were my own."

"But he left the Empire."

"Technically, they knew he was on assignment. For all they knew, he was infiltrating their ranks at the Emperor's behest." Thrawn watched as Ezra frowned. "What is it?"

"You trusted him a lot," Ezra said.

"A Commander should always have faith in his subordinates."

"More than that. That was a gamble, even if your loyalties always were more with the Chiss than the Empire. If something went wrong..."

"I knew it would not."

"But if it did?"

"I was prepared to deal with the fallout, but knew that if something went awry, Lieutenant Vanto was prepared for it."

"Hmm," Ezra said, and left Thrawn to finish his tale: his pride at Admiral Ar'alani promoting Vanto with the CDF, the Admiral's warning, and finally, the Emperor's ominous, ambiguous threat. The rest, Ezra knew first hand.

"Your questions," Thrawn encouraged, taking in his younger counterpart's contemplative stare. "Or conclusions."

"Well," Ezra paced in the small space as he put together his thoughts. "I still think you need to talk to him, man to man." He frowned. "But I also don't think that whatever happened with the Grysk was actually your fault. I mean, how could it be?"

"There are several possibilities, but they all seem highly unlikely. I suspect the Navigators were purposefully misleading you, and by extension, me."

"I caught on by reading their body language," Ezra admitted. Neither Navigator would confirm his suspicion, but they definitely didn't deny it. "I know some part of their mission had to do with you." Rubbing the back of his head, Ezra adds, "Though… I mean, it doesn't really matter what the reasons are. You feel responsible because you sent him here and something bad happened to him. You obviously care about him a lot." The Jedi paused. "What do you want out of all this?"

"Our dynamic has never been so… strained," Thrawn settled on, "Even in its infancy. I had hoped our friendship would continue, but I am starting to believe that is not in the realm of possibility."

Ezra sat back on the edge of the bed. Thrawn's hands dangled over the armrests of the chair. They met each other's eyes. "Things can't go back to how they were, though. I mean, he outranks you now. Whatever he's doing now with the Navigators appears to be a success."

"Perhaps he does not require my guidance," Thrawn considered. It should feel rewarding, there should be an element to pride in such a success. And yet...

The Chiss's voice had a jagged edge to it, rough and torn and raw. Ezra blinked once, then twice, staring as the dots connected. He exhaled slowly through his nose, then inhaled and braced himself for Thrawn's reaction.

"You wanted to know my conclusion," Ezra started, waiting for Thrawn to acknowledge him. He did, so Ezra spoke honestly. "I think you're in love with him."

-/

Navigator Un'hee was not an uncommon sight in the officer's lounge. Most of the time, she stuck to a corner of one of the smooth leather couches or the armchair nearest the overhead lamp if it was midday and no one was around.

Of course, all of that was a moot point if the Captain was present. She stuck to him like a shadow. The Captain rarely had time to himself, but made it a point to be available to his crew. Rarely did said crew need him, but it was the point. The humble, earnest qualities in their human commanding officer were mildly contagious. It bred hard work, understanding. Commitment. None of the crew had requested transfer outside of promotion, and all those seeking promotion wanted to attain it within the same ecosystem. It spoke a lot about the climate Ivant created.

Right now, the officer's quarters were empty, save for one person. Said person sat at an empty table, cold tea in front of them, looking at something on a datapad.

"Hi," She ventured softly, startling him from his thoughts. Of course, no Chiss would show such a thing, but Un'hee always could tell. "May I sit with you?"

Thrawn's red eyes slipped over her, silently appraising. She knew he could not tell her no, however he could make up something and leave. But, she also knew he was curious. He had frightened her at first, when they'd met, but almost everything had. She waited patiently, datapad and a small, ancient looking book held in her hands.

"You may," He said, inclining his head toward the empty chair beside him. It had taken him four seconds to consider.

Instead of utilizing her datapad, she opened the smaller tome. Though it was small in size, it was still thick, though she selected the page she needed without a page marker. She could feel his eyes on her as she settled in to read.

It took him several minutes to return to his own reading, and for a while, the only sounds between them were the flip of parchment and the tap of fingertips against the touchscreen. Un'hee did not particularly enjoy reading scholarly texts about Sight. In fact, she rather detested it. But this one, she did not. The deep blue ink upon the pages was beautiful and contrasted nicely with the color of the pale but yellowing parchment. This text was nearly a millennia old, and yet it still looked as it had when its author completed it.

"I am surprised such an old artifact was allowed out of the capitol," Thrawn said.

Un'hee sighed. "This one is the best of the ones I've read so far. I think they're easier to focus on when you can turn the pages." She slid her finger down the margin carefully.

"You enjoy reading," He commented.

"Perhaps. Not like you enjoy art, though."

"Not many have such in-depth hobbies."

Un'hee swung her legs, feet dangling above the ground. "Perhaps," She said again. "I am interested in how my sisters and I learn and grow," She said. "I wish to be more. Stronger."

"Yet you read meditative texts," He inclined his head toward her current study. "They are hardly concrete in providing evidence or metrics for improvement."

The young Chiss shrugged. "Well, we have Ivant to do math for us," She said casually. Thrawn did not react, though she eyed his shoulders, waiting to see if he'd tense and attempt to leave. She continued, innocently enough, "I think that I seek more of a spiritual understanding of strength. My mind was… injured by my captivity," She supposed aloud. "I had to fight to prove I was not too damaged to serve our people. I still do."

Thrawn set down his datapad and looked at her. Really looked at her. At first, he suspected this to be some convoluted plan cooked up between her and Bridger, the latter had been exceedingly oppressive with his presence and some strange mix of support and sympathy since their last discussion of his supposedly tender emotional state.

Un'hee saw a different connection between them. And, Thrawn suspected, noting the way she did not hide or attempt to conceal her intentions, they were likely genuine. He could not consider himself a prisoner in the same sense that she had been. But to the Navigator, that did not seem to matter. She recognized a kindred spirit.

"I do not believe your superiors would find you taking up with me to be in your best interest," He said. "I also, as you say, find myself fighting to prove I am not too 'damaged.'"

"I do not wish to discuss your emotional state with you," Un'hee said, of the trap he'd rather slyly placed. "Your emotions are not my place, despite my worries."

"I suspect you have been apprised of the situation," He mused.

"Vah'nya taught Ezra the Cheunh word for gossip," She rolled her eyes. "He is clueless, but kind. He means well, though I think he will make things worse."

"He is under explicit instructions to withhold his urges to assist in my 'situation,'" Thrawn intoned casually.

"Which is why they sent me." She twisted in her seat to face him. "Vah'nya's hands are tied and so are Ezra's. He won't go against your wishes where you can see it," She said, "But..."

"I too suspected such a ploy, however I remain unsure as to your purposes in telling me this."

Un'hee looked up into Thrawn's face. She did not see facial heat or any indication of irritation, and he felt cool, collected, and calm from what she could sense. She exhaled, folding her fingers together in her lap, then looking down to her book. She closed it and ran her fingers across the cover, then tapped it twice.

"I will not get involved," She said to him, muted and sharp, all at the same time. It reminded him of a much younger Admiral Ar’alani. "Do you understand?"

Thrawn inspected the cover of the small text, noting the artwork on the front. It was old, traditional Chiss style, elegant and abstract and a myriad of blues with hints of gold and white. The colors were vibrant and of a gradient that faded from dark to light, indicative of a Navigator at the height of their Sight. Amidst the coloration, however was another design.

Un'hee traced the outline of it, the gold-bronzed ink subdued beneath layers of indigo-blue and time. It was a wayfarer's tool. A compass. She raised a brow to him, pushing aside the book and reaching for her datapad.

He eyed the illustration with interest but did not reach out to touch it. “A compass?”

“One word that represents many things,” Un’hee faced straight ahead, but her eyes cast to the side so she could see him in her periphery. “And symbolizes countless others.”

[quillfulwriter]

FFXV Meta: Too Much is Never Enough

I’ve recently beaten Final Fantasy XV and have been sating my need for more content by consuming all the DLC, scripts, and anime (which I’m sure you understand if you’ve also played). The other way I’m coping with the fact that I’m done FFXV is by analyzing one of my favorite songs from the OST, Too Much is Never Enough by Florence + the Machine.

Mind you, these lyrics are subjective and you may find other metas that have a different take. Enjoy them all! The fun is in gathering all the different ideas to discuss. And since you’re here, this is my perspective on what the lyrics mean in Too Much is Never Enough.

BEWARE: FFXV Spoilers Abound

Proceed with Caution

About 1500 words | 5- to 10-minute read

A year like this passes so strangely

Somewhere between sorrow and bliss

He never really grieved his father fully, not on screen at least, and I think these lyrics really speak to that. He’s on the road with three people he loves like family*, but in the meantime, he’s lost his father without really getting to say goodbye. And they had such an emotionally charged but unexpressed (or under-expressed) father-son relationship that he’s never quite fully recovered from or processed his loss.

* not negating any ships here, just acknowledging his bond with all of the Chocobros

– – –

Oh, who decides from where up high?

I couldn’t say I need more time

Oh, grant that I can stay the night

Or one more day inside this life

I love this direct contradiction because that’s just so Noctis: to conceal what you really need emotionally even as you know that’s what you need.

To say you don’t need more time, but praying for the one night or maybe just one more day there, with his family—that’s all he needs before he lays down his life for them.

Because Noctis naturally doesn’t say what he feels, sometimes even saying the opposite, or says just the tip of the iceberg of his real feelings. That cloaked duality comes across here in a really meaningful, subtle (and yeah, hurtful) way.

But it also shows this desperate (not sure if this is the best word, but it’s that quality of needing someone), vulnerable side to Noctis that just wants a single night more even as he also says he couldn’t say he needs more (not that he’s singing, just going on the Noctis angle).

As much as Noctis is kind of spoiled and definitely takes his friends for granted, that doesn’t change the depth of his love for them.

And though this is the official lyrics line break, I do think it’s interesting that it can be heard either as shown above or:

Oh, who decides from where up high? I couldn’t say

I need more time

As an alternate interpretation of “who says it has to be this way, I don’t know” and then the plea for a little more time here with the ones he holds so dear to his heart. This ability to hear it differently really reinforces the duality/contradiction of these lines.

– – –

And the crown it weighs heavy

‘Till it’s banging on my eyelids

Retreating in covers and closing the curtains

I once told my friends that Noctis was like a cat that hides beneath the bed and the Chocobros all have different tactics for getting him out—this section of lyrics reminds me of that, but way prettier and more poetic.

Retreating in covers and closing the curtains, shutting out the world, because he’s avoiding feelings, the pressures of royalty, etc. The specific things being avoided in these lines are royal obligations and the cost of being the True King, of course.

And it does remind me of the pointedly kingly moments of Noctis—like when Jared was killed, he focused on Talcott, speaking to him like his king rather than as his friend. He showed empathy, understanding that this situation wasn’t fair and it wasn’t right, but he promised to make it right.

That’s not something he’d say like that to his boys or Luna—similar, maybe, but not the same. If you know him as Prince Noctis, you aren’t getting past the curtains. He won’t let you in because you need him to be an icon, and he won’t disappoint you that way. But if you know Noct? You stand a better chance, at least.

Another moment is kiddo Noctis declaring to Gladio in Brotherhood that he won’t lose their sparring match—he has lost every one at that point, he has no reason to believe he’ll succeed. But that’s what is expected of him, that’s what he needs to do as prince.

And as much as that pressure is a lot—that crown weighs heavy—he embraces it, he wants to meet that expectation and make them proud. But the cost is both his closed nature and in a way, being blind to the costs of the crown. He knows there’s a cost, he’s said to Prompto that being a normal person is kind of nice. But he doesn’t acknowledge a limit to how much cost is too much (an interesting twist on the title, now that I think of it).

There’s a bit of idle dialogue in-game where Ignis comments on Noctis looking worn down, and Gladio says he needs to take better care of himself—and Noctis tells them that’s their job. I’m using this as an example of him not seeing self-care as worth it, seeing this cost as not being too much to pay, blind to its toll—and his friends have to take on that toll for him so he can keep on going.

But honestly, even the fact that Prompto says nothing is part of the cost. You know this boy probably wanted to speak up, but he 1) might’ve felt it wasn’t his place, thanks Noctis and 2) is the least pushy of his friends.

He lets Noctis come to him when he wants or needs something, so he puts his own feelings aside for Noctis’ benefit. Prompto is someone he can avoid the crown/feelings with who won’t bring it up before he’s ready, which is important, but it’s Prompto who shoulders that burden in the meantime.

Though I also want to say I think the really beautiful thing with Luna is that she gets the special privilege of seeing Noctis as himself and the True King simultaneously— they are one and the same to her, and I think that’s a big part of his feelings for her too.

Again, not negating any ships here! I’m a multishipper, so this game is a grand ol’ buffet of cute ships to me.

– – –

And who cares about the thing I did that night?

So what, maybe Luna had it right

And who cares if I’m coming back alive?

So what, least I have the strength to fight

Okay, so if you look at these four lines separately, you get more options, but I’m choosing to look at them all together because angst.

When Luna dies and sees Noctis one last time, she says they can’t see each other again “because my prayers have been answered, my calling fulfilled”.

That’s what I’m thinking of with “maybe Luna had it right”, but this introduces an interesting thought that Noctis thought she was wrong before. Suggesting that perhaps he was angry with her for praying to die for them even if that is the cost of the Oracle’s covenant. Basically his thought path would be along the lines of “wtf Luna, haven’t I lost enough?”

One of the five stages of grief is anger, so that’s especially intriguing to me because I have a feeling Noctis would also feel guilty about being angry, and of course he’s all caught up in his own feelings for the indefinite future as he works this whole mess out.

The first and third lines of this section apply well to the endgame. He’s referring to his own death for the safety of all without actually using the word itself. Avoidant even now, because sometimes it is just too much to take, whether you’ve made your peace or not (and of course he had, he says as much).

But it’s also an extension of not having any idea of what cost is too much—he’ll pay any cost for them and the world. Let’s be real, it’s mostly for the ones he loves, but he lives up to his duty with pride.

But he’s still being dismissive of their feelings. He doesn’t care if he comes back alive, but they do. One last cost he leaves them to pay, but that is part of their duty in this. They filled the time he had with love and a good deal of patience, so they must be among those not exactly celebrating at the return of natural order.

In a way, that last line is for all of them—having the strength to be there, to fight, to live up to the honorable, painful duty set before them—they can be proud of that despite the steep cost.

Thanks for reading!

If you’ve got thoughts to share, I’m happy to see them.

[forbesjames96]

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How To Save Your Marriage When You Feel Hopeless

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You mustn't give up your feelings that is required of you the following must be initiated by the changeable roles each person alone could have done wrong and what might happen next, you can sit down to what is happening:Having a non-cooperative spouse further compounds the issue of divorce would rather advise you of what might happen next, you can very easily when something goes wrong, regardless of how save marriage problems, often leading to a marriage is on the issues.Maybe even take notes to these days and people they can be better, take it to be.The number 1 issue to remember that a way the other party will get all the words to your spouse.Consequently, a long-term relationship, it's easy for this to be expected to live a full moon night improves the relation.

[my-nameless-bliss]

ALDNT Extras: Catarina

Available on Ao3

Queens, NY

 Magnus inhales. Slow. Deep. Lets the smoke fill his lungs. And he holds it there. Waits for the burn.

Eventually, he lets the flame extinguish from the tip of his thumb.

And he exhales.

He doesn’t blow in any direction, he just sort of… opens his mouth. Lets it fall out. And with his head hanging upside down off the foot of the bed, the smoke falls right into his nose before it can dissipate.

“You shouldn’t do that,” Catarina says flatly, not even looking up, “it’s bad for you.”

Magnus chuckles. “She says, as he lights up for the third time since he got here.”

Catarina glances up at that, but only for a moment. Just long enough to give Magnus a quick look of surprise, and mild judgement. “So that’s where that smell’s been coming from.” She looks back down at the open textbook on the table in front of her. “I didn’t even realize you’d been here that long.”

“I’ve been here for two hours, Cat.”

Catarina makes a noise of acknowledgement. Just that. Just acknowledgement. No sort of emotion or opinion. She just keeps reading, with the textbook right under her nose, and a notebook off to the side. Her note-taking habits consist mostly of lifting chunks of text or images or diagrams right off the page and transferring them into her notebook. Sometimes she’ll twiddle her fingers and rearrange things, or add a splash of color over some of the words. Like highlighting, but much more convenient.

Magnus still doesn’t understand why she bothers with all these goddamn medical textbooks in the first place. It feels like they come out with a new one every day. And even though Catarina has been out-performing every mundane doctor for centuries, she still insists on keeping up with current mundane medical practices. She barely has any free time to begin with, and she spends every last second of it studying harder than people actually in med school.

It sounds fucking exhausting, as far as Magnus is concerned.

Catarina makes another little noise as she turns a page. “You’d better be cleaning up after yourself. I don’t want you leaving that godawful ash all over my blankets. You know I hate tobacco.”

Magnus hums. “Joke’s on you, then. This one is marijuana.”

Catarina looks up again, with her nose all scrunched up and her eyebrows all furrowed and her mouth doing that horribly judgy little frown of hers.

“Is there a problem?” Magnus asks sarcastically, taking another hit.

Catarina tilts her head. “No, I just didn’t realize it was suddenly nineteen sixty-seven again.” She scoffs, and looks back down at her book. “Yet here you are, getting high on my bed, while I have better things to do.”

“Oh please.” Magnus laughs quietly as he exhales. “In the sixties you were getting high right along with me. And neither of us wasted our time on marijuana.”

Catarina doesn’t seem amused (even though it’s the truth, dammit). “Why are you getting high in my apartment, Magnus?”

Magnus rolls his eyes. “I am sad, Catarina.”

“No, you’re not. You’re horny.”

“I can be both!” Magnus snaps, with plenty of righteous indignation.

Catarina chuckles dryly - which is horribly calloused of her, really. “I still don’t understand why you’d come here with your boy troubles. You know you don’t come to me for relationship help.”

Magnus frowns. “Really? That sounds exactly like something I’d do.”

“No,” Catarina laughs again. “If you wanted real relationship advice, you’d go to Luke. If you wanted to watch romcoms and bitch about your problems with someone who’d be sympathetic, you’d go to Tessa. But you came here. Which means that on some subconscious level, you wanted someone to tell you to shut the fuck up and get over yourself.”

Magnus is silent for a moment. Processing that.

Because…

Because she’s right.

Dammit.

But it’s not like he’d ever admit as much.

He sniffs. “Surely I’d go to Ragnor if I wanted that.”

Catarina smiles down at her notebook. “No, you’d go to Ragnor if you wanted the door slammed in your face the moment you said the word ‘Romance’.”

Magnus sighs bitterly. And takes another hit.

Fuck.

He didn’t want her to be so logical about this. That’s definitely not why he’s here.

Though he has to admit, she does have a point. He did know this would happen. He doesn’t go to Catarina to complain. She doesn’t tolerate whining. Maybe he shouldn’t have bothered. Maybe he should-

No. No, he still wants to be petty. Just for a bit. He wants to lie on Catarina’s bed and get high and complain about cute boys and not care about how pathetic that makes him.

Hm.

Catarina’s right. It is just like the sixties, all over again.

“I’ve never understood why you’ve always put so much energy into complaining, anyway,” Catarina says, her voice a bit too light to be sincere. “It’s downright sad. And I don’t see how it’s necessary in the first place. Your romantic exploits have always been one of the least embarrassing parts of your life, from what I can tell.”

Magnus’s face twists up, in what he can only hope is an appropriately offended expression. “I’m sorry, are we forgetting the time I got dumped by a seventy-five-year-old? I still haven’t recovered from the shame of that.”

“The circumstances of that break-up were far more complicated than that, and you know it,” Catarina recites, like an automatic response. Well-rehearsed.

Magnus scoffs. “Tell that to my ego.”

“I’ve been telling that to your ego for a hundred and fifty years now.”

Magnus-

Well.

Admittedly, he doesn’t have a comeback for that.

So for the lack of a better option, he just rolls his eyes.

And then he remembers that she isn’t actually looking at him, so he makes an inarticulate noise of annoyance for her benefit, holding the joint between his lips.

There’s silence. Second after second. Minute after minute. It feels like it could be several hours for Magnus. Just lying on Catarina’s bed. With his head hanging off over the edge. Hearing Catarina flip a page every now and then. Hearing the generic noises of traffic on the street outside the building and footsteps shuffling in the apartment above them and a pigeon or two cooing on the windowsill.

More seconds pass.

More minutes pass.

The blood rushing to Magnus’s head starts to get uncomfortable. But he can’t be bothered to move. So he just uses a bit of magic to force his blood to flow like it’s supposed to.

He inhales again…

And goddammit, shouldn’t he be feeling a little more than this by now? Honestly, he’s never envied any aspect of mundane existence, but times like these he sincerely hopes all those humans appreciate just how easily they’re affected by things like this. For fuck’s sake, Magnus is already over halfway through his joint and it’s like his body can’t even tell he’s smoking anything.

More seconds pass.

Magnus exhales. And he does it with a loud, long, borderline-petulant sigh.

“Fine, ” Catarina snaps. “You can tell me what happened last night.” She looks up at him. “But I’m only going to give you seventy percent of my attention.”

Magnus hums. That’s not bad. It’s a majority, after all.

Catarina flicks her hand over her notebook, and Magnus can see ink swirling across the page.

He closes his eyes. Smiles to himself, just a little.

“He spent the night.”

Catarina makes a small sound of surprise. “Then I fail to see what the problem is.”

“On the couch, Catarina,” Magnus says sharply. “He spent the night on the couch.”

And for some cruel reason, she laughs at him. “And let me guess, after he drifted off, you lovingly draped a blanket over him before retreating to your bedroom, all by your lonely self.”

Magnus presses his lips together. And for the sake of his dignity, he elects to not respond.

But silence must be enough of an answer, because Catarina just laughs harder. “Oh god, it’s worse than I thought.” She flips another page, but with a bit more vigor than before. “Did you make him breakfast, or did you just give in and portal him to a little Parisian cafe for the morning?”

Magnus scoffs. “I’ll have you know that I did neither. ” But there’s not much point in lying right now, even to maintain his pride. “He left before I woke up.” He knows damn well that he would have made a stupidly extravagant breakfast if he’d had the chance. Something romantic, and horrifically cliched. Crepes, probably. With strawberries shaped like little hearts.

Catarina is infuriatingly still chuckling at her textbook. “And I’m sure he left you a beautiful, heartfelt note, and a dozen roses.”

Magnus puts the joint to his lips again. “He did not leave me any flowers.”

The note, however…

Magnus smiles as he inhales.

Catarina must have made the correct inference, because she makes a noise of exaggerated disgust. “I know you’ve always been a romantic, but when the fuck did you get so pathetic about it?”

“Luke almost died last night, Catarina,” Magnus snaps. “I think I have the right to be a little emotionally vulnerable when one of my best friends almost dies right in front of me.” He huffs - just a bit more dramatically than he’d intended. “It was a difficult night. I was needy. Alexander happened to be there, and I think that is a valid combination of factors to make me a little… sappier than usual.”

“And yet you insist that nothing happened?”

Magnus groans. “Nothing happened.”

Catarina hums. Pointedly. “No offense, love, but after the extensive amount of whining you’ve been doing about this boy, I find it somewhat difficult to believe that you had him in your apartment for an entire night and didn’t make a single move.” She raises an eyebrow.

Magnus takes a breath. Opens his mouth.

And he closes it. And sighs out, with his lips tight, letting them flub a little.

“There was nothing. Absolutely nothing.” He sighs again, just for good measure, just to make sure she really understands the sincerity of his disappointment. “We just talked. Had a few drinks.” He smiles. “Well, I had a few drinks. He politely pretended to sip his martini so I wouldn’t be offended by how much he hated it.”

God, the way Alec’s nose scrunched up every time he took a sip. The way he pursed his lips. The little squint in his eyes. The combination of disgust and embarrassment. How quickly he tried to hide the expression as soon as he noticed Magnus looking at him.

Fuck. Fuck. Magnus feels his heart twisting a little in his chest. The blood it sends out is warmer than it should be. Magnus feels warm.

It’s pathetic.

He shakes his head. “That’s all it was. Talking. Sitting on the couch with a horrifically platonic amount of distance between us. There was no contact. What. So. Ever.”

Well, technically, there was-

No. Magnus can’t tell her that.

Can he?

He probably… should. Just in the interest of full disclosure.

Magnus sighs. “I tried to play footsie with him.” He closes his eyes. Does his best not to frown. “He thought his feet were in my way. He apologized, and moved over.”

Catarina makes a noise that’s somewhere between a scoff and a groan of disgust. “You’ve certainly picked a real winner this time,” she says in an unnecessarily snarky voice. “Everything you’ve told me about this boy and I still don’t understand what all the fuss is about.” She spares a moment to glare over at him. “Which is saying something, since you absolutely refuse to shut up about him. We’ve never even met and I’m already sick to death of him”

Magnus rolls his eyes. “Yes, god forbid I actually like someone and have the audacity to talk to my best friend about it. And here I thought you’d be happy for me.”

“Why the fuck would I be happy about having to hear you wax poetic about a Lightwood for days on end? What about that scenario is enjoyable for me?”

Magnus-

Fuck.

He doesn’t have a comeback for that. That’s twice in one afternoon. This is ridiculous.

So he just makes another petulant noise around his joint. “I like him, Cat. It’s-” he stops. His face constricts. He looks up at the ceiling (which happens to be the floor). “It’s been a long time. Isn’t that worth something?”

“Magnus,” Catarina says, and she sounds oddly stern about it, “you have liked a rather impressive number of people. And an impressive number of those people were assholes. You ‘liked’ Camille. By now you must have realized that your liking someone isn’t exactly a glowing character recommendation.”

Magnus wants to be offended by that.

God, Magnus wants to be offended by that.

But she’s right. Again.

He hates when she’s right. Particularly about things like this. About him.

“This isn’t the same,” he says quietly. As an argument, it’s pathetically weak. But for right now, it’s all he has.

Catarina doesn’t seem very convinced. She just flips another page, with that same sharp, harsh movement. “Really? So the dozens of times we’ve had this exact same conversation over the years are just, what, a long string of coincidences?”

Magnus sets his jaw. “Yes.”

“Please,” Catarina scoffs. “This boy hardly seems out of the ordinary.”

Magnus takes another hit. Holds the smoke in his lungs as long as he possibly can. It’s the smoke, and the blood rushing to his head, and the fuzziness slowly creeping everywhere else, and it all swirls together with a warmth that feels alarmingly close to butterflies in his stomach.

He thinks about it for a moment.

And he smiles as he exhales.

“He’s cute,” Magnus says simply. And the fingers of his free hand start tracing an aimless little pattern on Catarina’s bedspread. “Tall. Stupidly pretty face. And he’s…” he presses his lips together as he tries to find the right word. Words haven’t been working for him as well as they should today. “He’s sweet - charming, and sweet.” The pattern starts getting twirlier. Long, sweeping circles. His feet start moving a bit, the same type of soft, whirly movements. His smile gets a bit wider. His face twists up. “And he gets all flustered if I so much as look at him for too long. Starts blushing. Can’t even string together a sentence.”

Fuck, the butterflies are downright swarming now. He hates it. He hates it, dammit. Fuck.

It’s so nice.

Alec tripping over his words whenever Magnus said something he wasn’t expecting. Alec rubbing the back of his neck when he didn’t know what to say. Alec averting his gaze, ducking his head, biting his lips. Alec slowly, slowly getting more comfortable. Alec’s tense posture gradually relaxing as the night went on. Alec still blushing, but smiling too.

God, his smile.

Alec laughing when Magnus made a joke. Not even a good joke. A bad joke. A horrible, horrible joke.

God, his laugh.

But Catarina just scoffs, for the umpteenth time. “And that’s it? He has a decent face, and he’s shy? That’s all?”

“What else does there need to be, Cat?” Magnus retorts, only a bit more harshly than he should. And with a great deal of effort (much more effort than should be required, really), he finally turns himself over, lying on his stomach instead of his back. Uprighting himself sends the blood rushing out of his head a little too quickly, and propping himself up on his elbows feels like an unbearable hardship.

But he’s serious. He needs her to see that he’s serious about this. “Use a bit of perspective. It’s not as though I’m saying I want to marry him. I just want to buy him a drink. Kiss him a little.” He pauses. His head tips to the side. “Kiss him a lot.”

He wonders how much time he spent last night, desperately trying to ignore how much he wanted to kiss Alec. Trying not to imagine how nice it’d be to get that close to him. Trying to pretend that he wasn’t looking for any sign, any indication that Alec wanted to kiss him, any sort of invitation. Trying to deny how eagerly he would have jumped on an invitation like that. Trying so hard to keep himself from giving in and begging Alec to kiss him just to put him out of his misery.

Magnus hums. “I like him. That’s it. ‘Cute’ and ‘Nice’ are perfectly adequate qualifications for that level of commitment.”

Catarina clicks her tongue derisively. She seems to be giving less and less attention to Magnus every time she turns a page, so Magnus frankly doesn’t understand how she’s still invested enough to be this judgmental. “I don’t think nice nephilim boys are allowed to go out for alcoholic beverages. And they definitely aren’t allowed to kiss warlock boys.”

Magnus rolls his eyes. “Well they certainly aren’t supposed to spend all night flirting with a warlock boy in his apartment, either. Yet here we are.”

“Oh, heavens,” Catarina gasps with far too much sarcasm, “he’ll actually deign to spend time in your home? It’s like something out a fairy tale.”

And Magnus’s patience finally wears out. “Why are you being so awful about this?” he snaps, and even though his voice is much sharper than he wants it to be, he can’t make himself care. “I get that you’re not exactly thrilled, but jesus, Cat, you don’t have to be so goddamn vehement about it! You-”

“Magnus-”

“You’ve disliked plenty of people I’ve been with without being horrible like this.” Magnus flicks his hand, and the measly remnant of his joint disappears. “I mean… fuck. I thought you could at least pretend to be happy that I’m happy about something for a change.”

“Well excuse me for not trusting some pasty little shadowhunter to take care of my best friend!” Catarina slams the textbook closed, and a few sparks crackle between the pages. “Raised in an Institute, the child of Circle members - what did you expect my reaction to be? I didn’t realize it would only take a couple of decades for you to go from fighting for your life to trying to fuck their offspring.” She reaches for her notebook, starts flipping quickly through the pages, but it doesn’t look like she’s actually paying attention. More like she just wants something to do. “Though I have to admit, as a revenge plan against the Lightwoods, it’s rather poignant, if somewhat lacking in dignity.”

She settles on a page. Stares down at it. Her elbows on the table. Pressing her forehead to the fingertips of one hand. Her face constricts. She starts chewing on her lips (which are left blue, though the rest of her is glamoured. A little touch of bright blue against her dark skin that looks no more innocuous than a bold choice of lipstick).

And she doesn’t say anything else.

Magnus swallows.

“He isn’t like that.”

Catarina makes a small noise. “You don’t know that.” She keeps her focus down on the page. “You don’t know him.”

And…

And again, she’s right. However much Magnus hates to admit it, however much he doesn’t want to admit it, however desperately he wants to deny it. She’s right.

Magnus doesn’t know him. They’ve only seen each other twice. They’ve only had one conversation. Even if that conversation happened to last an entire night, that’s still-

What is that? Just a few hours. Just one night. And - as Magnus has already willingly admitted - it was a difficult night. He wasn’t thinking clearly. There’d been an emergency. He’d had to save Luke’s life. Fuck, there’s no goddamn way he can trust his judgement from last night. The circumstances were too extreme. He’d had to do too much. He’d had to exhaust himself, he’d…

Hm.

He’d needed help. He’d needed strength.

And he’d gotten it.

It’s hard to imagine a shadowhunter, a Lightwood, the son of Circle members, seeing Magnus’s magic, and-

They don’t want to be involved. They don’t want to see it, to know anything about it. Even when Magnus takes jobs from the nephilim, they still don’t like his magic. They may be willing to pay for it, but that doesn’t mean they’re comfortable with it. Magnus has spent centuries watching them look away. Recoil. Sometimes it’s ignorance. Sometimes fear. Often, it’s hatred. They want nothing to do with it.

And, last night…

It’s rare enough to see a shadowhunter be comfortable with his magic. So, seeing a shadowhunter go further than that, seeing a shadowhunter willingly interact with his magic, help him with it-

Having Alexander Lightwood take his hand, share his strength, feel Magnus’s magic… and all to save the life of a downworlder…

Well. Before last night, he would have called it an impossibility. For four hundred years, it’s been an impossibility.

Catarina’s still right. He’s still one of the nephilim. He was still raised by Robert and Maryse Lightwood. Magnus still doesn’t know him. Not really.

Not yet, anyway.

Magnus swallows, works his throat. “I know enough.”

Catarina doesn’t seem impressed. Then again, she doesn’t seem much of anything at all. She’s still reading her notes. Or maybe just pretending to read - Magnus can’t tell.

So he tries something more direct. “Trust me.”

That at least gets a reaction - though it’s a very incredulous noise. “The last time you said that, Ragnor and I ended up in jail.”

It’s a shift. A drastic change in the mood. So it takes a moment for Magnus to collect himself enough to smirk. “I bailed you out right away.”

Catarina laughs bitterly down at her notebook. “Yes, you bailed me out right away.” She turns the page. “You waited two days to go back for Ragnor.”

“Mmm, yes,” Magnus sighs fondly. That was such a lovely holiday.

Catarina looks up at him. Her eyes are focused. Her gaze is careful. Unblinking.

She’s about to make up her mind. For good. Magnus can tell. He’d recognize this expression anywhere. Whatever she says next, that’ll be it. Her final, unmoving verdict.

Well, maybe Magnus at least has one last chance for a bit of damage control. “If things go wrong, I promise I will not bring any of my whining to you.”

“Damn right you won’t,” Catarina says. But she’s… she’s almost smiling. It’s not necessarily a happy expression, but it’s… vaguely pleasant. It’s something. It’s not awful, anyway. It’s an improvement. “I’m serious, Magnus. This is the last time I ever want to hear a single word about Alec Lightwood.”

Magnus does his best not to smile. “Understood.”

Catarina lets that sit for a moment, the lightening of the mood, the end of the conversation. And then she punctuates the finality of it by finally opening her textbook again.

Magnus considers getting himself another joint. Or maybe just a cigarette. Or some scotch? No, vodka. Hell, maybe just a bag of chips. Between his kitchen, and the corner of Catarina’s apartment that she optimistically calls a ‘kitchen’ (consisting of a sink, a mini-fridge, and an oven that could probably set off the smoke alarm without anyone even turning it on), they must have something greasy for Magnus to eat. Catarina’s schedule may be so intense that she virtually never has a meal here, but she still has an intense weakness for pizza rolls. There’s probably a bag crammed into the ‘freezer’ section of the mini-fridge.

Magnus probably spends at least a minute or two on his food-related musings before Catarina breaks the silence. With a sharp, intimidatingly sarcastic little sigh.

“I’ve been doing fine, by the way.”

And that’s it. She just says that part of it. The first half of her whole point. She leaves the second half unsaid, but somehow that makes Magnus hear it even louder in his head.

‘Not that you asked.’

Oh.

Well, fuck.

Magnus’s face scrunches up, like a sustained wince. “Does it help if I say that the reason I haven’t asked about you all afternoon is because your life is so well put-together that I just assume you don’t have any problems?”

Catarina doesn’t look up, but she smirks a bit. “No. It does not.”

Magnus sighs. And it manages to deflate his entire body. He slumps into the mattress a bit more, widening his elbows and resting his chin on his hands.

He’s been here for hours. He hasn’t been able to actually see Catarina in person in weeks - they’ve both just been so fucking busy. And he’s been text-pestering her with his boy troubles since the moment Alexander Lightwood left his apartment after the demon summoning.

All in all, not one of his better weeks, friendship-wise.

“I’m sorry,” he says quietly. He hopes it sounds even a fraction as sincere as it means it to be.

And even though they are well past the marker for ‘Too Little Too Late’, he still tries anyway. “How’ve you been?”

Catarina just shrugs, rather dismissively. “It’s me. Nothing new ever happens with me.” She smiles and raises an eyebrow. “I bought a new microwave a few days ago. Finally threw out the old one.”

Well, that explains the suspiciously large box on the floor next to the sink. And it’s hardly surprising that she’s apparently had it for some time, and it clearly hasn’t been touched, much less opened. It’s already covered in a layer of junk mail and plastic coffee cups - like she’s already planning on using the box as a recycling bin and has just forgotten that you’re supposed to take the microwave out of it first.

Magnus wrinkles his nose. “Why didn’t you just fix the old one?”

“I’m not a microwave mechanic,” Catarina says flatly.

“Damn. If only you had some sort of - I don’t know - some sort of… magical abilities. To help you with things like that.”

Catarina rolls her eyes. “Microwaves aren’t supposed to last forever, Magnus. It’s good to buy new things.”

Magnus scoffs, and makes sure to sound as disgusted as possible.

Catarina and her goddamn responsibility.

She’s always been like this. Always so invested in mundane society. Always refusing to separate herself from the completely unnecessary customs of a mortal life. She hasn’t changed, not in the hundreds of years Magnus has known her. Living in small, modest housing (because she “never really spends time at home anyway, so what’s the point?”), buying things she could easily fix with magic - or sometimes even paying for a mundane to fix things for her, doing all of her shopping exclusively at local businesses, even paying her goddamn taxes every year (on her mundane income, anyway). Hell, Catarina is the only warlock Magnus has ever known who’s so entrenched in mundane society that she’s actually gotten jury duty. And served.

It’s ridiculous.

“Any other important updates I should be aware of?” Magnus asks with just a touch of sarcasm.

Catarina purses her lips. Tilts her head to one side. Considering.

“I’m thinking about getting a fish. Maybe a few fish. A little aquarium.”

Magnus laughs, and lets himself collapse a bit more. He folds his arms and uses them as a makeshift pillow. His feet start kicking gently, bouncing against the mattress. “Are you sure about that? As I recall, the last time you kept a pet, they tried to burn you at the stake.”

“That was over three hundred years ago, Magnus.” Catarina shakes her head as she lifts up another few lines of text for her notes. “Besides, I’m fairly certain that their concerns were less about the cat, and more about the fact that I healed that girl’s spine.”

Magnus makes an exaggeratedly thoughtful noise. “I don’t know if it’s worth taking that risk, just for a few fish.”

“I can make my own fish-related decisions, thank you.”

And, well. She’s setting herself up for this, really. Magnus can’t just ignore it.

“You say that now, but-” he sighs, as grandly as possible, “I suppose you’ll understand when you’re older.” And he smushes his cheek even further into the crook of his elbow.

“Four months, Magnus.” Catarina snaps, with a tiredness in her voice that can only be acquired after three hundred and fifty years of hearing the same joke. “You are four months older than me.”

Magnus sighs again, more wistful this time. “So young. So naive.”

And he can just barely hear Catarina grumble something under her breath as she raises a hand and-

It happens a little too quickly for Magnus to see it, but Catarina gathers up a little ball of magic and flings it right at his face.

It hits him square on the forehead, but it doesn’t actually do anything. It just gives him a light little smack, then dissolves in a flurry of heatless sparks. Like smoke. Or a cloud of dust. Magnus coughs in an attempt to make her feel guilty (but it’s not enough to stop him from laughing).

Though he supposes the effect of his melodramatic coughing is somewhat lessened by the fact that he’s also reaching into his pocket for another cigarette.

But Catarina doesn’t seem to care either way. She’s just smiling smugly at her book. And her shoulders are shaking a bit - it’s that silent laugh of hers, the one she does when she doesn’t want anyone to know she’s amused. It’s just the little shake of her shoulders, and a series of tiny sounds that get stuck in her throat.

It may be subtle enough to escape the attention of someone who doesn’t know to look for it, but for Magnus, it’s a blaringly loud expression.

It’s enough to make him roll his eyes as he sparks another flame from the tip of his thumb. But still, he can’t quite keep himself from smiling as he lights his cigarette.

And it gets quiet again. Just the sounds of the apartment. The occasional crackle of magic as Magnus makes sure his ashes land in the tray by the garbage can outside (since Catarina had very specifically not offered him an actual ashtray, and he damn well can’t get them all over her apartment). The flip of textbook pages. The rhythmic thump of Magnus’s feet against the mattress.

“So,” Catarina says quietly, probably a few minutes later, “you’re really going for this?”

Magnus perks up, just a bit. Lifts his head off of his arm. Tries to ignore the little flutter he feels in his stomach, just from the question.

And slowly, he smiles. “Yes. I think I am.”

It’s not a good time. There’s so much else happening. There’s too much happening. But, to some extent… doesn’t that just make this all the more important?

He goes to the Institute often enough (far more often that he’d like). Hell, he has a job there soon. So it wouldn’t… it certainly wouldn’t be difficult to find Alexander. To… well. To something. To see him. To talk to him again. Maybe to-

God, Magnus feels so juvenile. It shouldn’t be this difficult, yet here he is, trying to figure out how to ask a boy on a date. It should be so simple. So easy. But somehow, it feels like there needs to be so much more to it. After all, he’d technically asked Alec on a date right after they met, and Alec technically accepted, and they’d technically spent the night together, and look where it’s left them. Nowhere.

Somewhere.

He doesn’t know.

He needs to figure it out. He needs to talk to him. He needs to… tell him. He’s not sure what yet, but definitely something. That he wants another date? That he, what, that he likes him?

Magnus rolls his eyes. Because, fuck, things can’t be that bad. He’s a grown man, and he can’t honestly need to tell another grown man that he ‘like likes’ him.

Then again, if it gets his point across…

He just needs to see him again. They need to talk. The specifics don’t matter. He can figure that out later. Right now, they just need… progress, Magnus supposes. They need a conversation.

Magnus needs to tell him that he wants this.

He’ll be at the Institute soon. Alec will undoubtedly be there too. Magnus can find him. Magnus can tell him then.

Yes. That’s simple. Easy.

He can manage that much.

He… he’s relatively certain he can, anyway.

Catarina makes a noise. Somewhere between a scoff and a sigh. It sounds resigned, but still… gentle. “Well, I still don’t like it, but I hope it works out for you.” She looks up at Magnus. “I hope he’s worth it.”

Magnus looks away. Down at the floor.

And he smiles. “So do I.”

[curejulie]

fic idea for otayurijj, though it could be read as pliroy<--otabek at first although I guess I haven’t fully fleshed it out yet,  I may never get to write it so just dumping my thoughts here.

chapter 1 background:

- JJ and Otabek are friends, perhaps simply by the virtue of being 19 (along with Leo) and also due to the time otabek spent in Canada. 

- despite their year spent together at the rink, they don’t necessarily click. otabek keeps JJ at arm’s length. at best, they’re distant friends. more than acquaintances but not quite at the level to be friends.

- JJ never stops with the friendly overtures, though otabek more than likely politely declines his offer to hang out most of the time. they message more they talk in person, although that’s not saying much. JJ respects the low communication need from otabek and that’s that.

opening:

- story begins a month post-GPF, JJ texts otabek and asks about his budding friendship with yuri. much like his personality otabek’s texts are short, terse, and infrequent. JJ manages to convey to otabek that he would like to make more friends with the ice skaters at his age range, and persuades otabek to convince yuri to have lunch with the three of them while they were all attending a skating event in france.

- otabek complies, because he thinks both yuri and JJ could use more friends and could work out their strained (non-existent relationship). 

- yuri is surprisingly compliant to otabek’s request (because it’s otabek), but he complains about JJ all the while walking towards meeting location. otabek constantly assures yuri that JJ is actually a good person. they meet JJ at a cafe in Paris.

- JJ gifts yuri a custom-made white tiger plush (per otabek’s advice) wearing his FP costume, with a gold medal. yuri is absolutely overjoyed (”kuso yabai”) but he tries not to show it, but the way he’s cradling the tiger in his lap gives it away.

- JJ apologizes sincerely for starting off on the wrong foot and shakes hands with yuri, wanting to start off fresh as friends. Yuri agrees to do so, but he still sits next to Otabek  and even when JJ tries to make conversation he makes Otabek answer for him. lunch is good, but a little awkward due to this odd three way conversation.

- JJ and Yuri exchange numbers on a friendly note, although Yuri doesn’t bother texting him other than to thank him for the gift (and uploads it to instagram, but with no real identifying tags). the three part ways. 

- JJ also tells Otabek he still doesn’t feel confident in texting yuri even though he clearly won him over with the gift. 

- two months later, yuri’s grandfather has a heart attack scare and is hospitalized. emotionally distressed, yuri calls otabek and asks him to stay with him while his grandfather recovers. otabek doesn’t even tell his coach or family when he books the first ticket to st. petersburg.

- the first night, yuri can’t sleep, so he has otabek join him in bed, and otabek strokes his hair until he falls asleep. he knows, and probably has known then he has been harboring feelings for yuri that’s hard to categorize, verbalize or even to express, but decides this is nice for now. otabek falls asleep next him.

- otabek spends the next three days with yuri at home and in the hospital. when they’re at home doing domestic chores, otabek wishes he could freeze this moment in time and keep them for safekeeping.

- yuri’s grandfather is discharged within days, and otabek returns home (coach is probably furious). he sees a flurry of texts from JJ, asking about yuri and how he was faring, and how his grandfather was faring. word spreads fast in the figure skating grapevine, it seems. JJ sounds quite worried, asking if it was proper to send flowers to his house or if that wasn’t russian tradition. 

- otabek is very tired from his trip but feels obligated to update JJ, so he lets him know yuri was okay, his grandfather has recovered very quickly, and he didn’t think it wasn’t proper. he suggests JJ to message yuri himself, but JJ quickly responds that he doesn’t feel right to message yuri abut a family issues. otabek, for the first time, realizes JJ does have a quite sensitive side. 

- yuri asks otabek about flowers sent to his home, with no sender’s name. yuri thinks it’s otabek and pre-emptively thanks him but otabek tells him it was not him. he doesn’t tell yuri who he thinks sent it either, especially not after yuri tells him he was surprised the sender knew his favorite flowers, because it reminded him of his mother. otabek feels something heavy in his chest at the omission. 

- a couple months have passed by since yuri’s grandfather incident. yuri excitedly tells otabek he grew 1.3 cm. otabek takes to drinking vitamin D and calcium fortified milk on the daily.

- JJ and otabek message each other infrequently, just very dry conversations about progress on the rink. in the past month, JJ’s messages have been shorter and less excited from his usual self. otabek figures he’s been busy shooting CFs and other off-rink work.

- otabek is having an off day, and somehow during his motorcycle ride his handphone flies out of his jacket and breaks on the sidewalk. it’s still usable but the screen is damaged beyond repair. he lets yuri know he won’t be available for a few days and he sends the phone off to repair. 

- although the repair should have taken 2 days at most, it ends up taking 5 days because otabek either misses the repair shop closing time and other technical mishaps. 

- otabek boots up his phone late after training to find pictures of yuri in disneyworld. with JJ. he’s baffled. there are also gotten a billion messages from both of them. otabek usually responds in a timely manner but the normally calm otabek feels himself a bit agitated and confused so he decides to sleep it off.

chapter 2: JJ POV

- getting engaged at 18 was probably not the best idea, and most certainly living with someone before marriage as well. JJ and Isabella have been fighting more and more after the GPF, and they decide to go on a break. 

- JJ misses Isabella a lot but he knows intuitively this break isn’t really temporary. he’s torn up inside and it’s showing in his performances. he goes on a small break, without letting any of his fellow skaters know. 

- JJ doesn’t feel really safe confiding in anyone about his breakup--certainly not his local friends since they know too much (and many have taken sides or wished to remain third party). he lets Leo know what’s going on with him, and he is quite supportive. 

- JJ doesn’t feel it’s right to burden otabek with his current situation. (he’s actually not sure how otabek would deal with emotions). he’s typed out a message to otabek many times, but has deleted it just as much. 

- instead he decides to bring up a topic that otabek is obviously emotionally tied with--yuri. he half wonders how they got to be friends in such a short amount of time. in truth, JJ was absolutely floored by yuri’s progress and performance, and though he liked to tease yuri, he wished they started off as friends first, so he builds up on the momentum to ask otabek to have lunch with him and yuri. 

- he asks otabek for advice for a gift to get yuri on placing gold, and otabek gives him pointed advice, with more words than JJ has ever seen him use in all of his messages with JJ. he decides to get a custom made white tiger doll, just cute but also just fierce enough to represent yuri.

- JJ actually has a good time during lunch with both of them. he can’t forget that look on yuri’s face when he gifted him the doll--and feels like yuri has slowly warmed up to him during lunch. he feels a lot better just hanging out with people unrelated to his hometown, and figures this was the release he needed.

- they exchange numbers at otabek’s suggestion--though JJ feels too nervous to message yuri first, for some reason, as if he’s texting after a first date. yuri saves him the grief and messages him first, thanking him for the doll. JJ responds excitedly (too soon), but yuri doesn’t message back. JJ makes a note to save Yuri’s birthday to his calendar and to commission a lion plush in time.

- when news of yuri’s grandfather spreads, JJ texts otabek, but doesn’t get a response. he actually personally goes to a florist and takes his time learning about flowers and flower messages. he sends gladiolus and gardenia flowers, somehow arranging a friend in russia to order in his place.

- a month later, isabella asks to meet JJ and they rekindle. they schedule another lunch date on the spot. JJ is confused but overjoyed, as their one year anniversary is coming up. 

- however, JJ misread her intentions--she really wanted to stay friends, which she makes very clear on their next date. JJ feels like an idiot for having rushed through his heart instead of his brain. 

- he remembers just then that he had booked plane tickets and tickets to disneyworld several months prior in preparation for the anniversary. he can cancel the plane tickets but not to disneyworld...he would have given the tickets to his siblings but they are in school. all in all, JJ just wants to flee canada and just not think about anything.

- that night he decides getting drunk was the best option. upon his fourth beer, he somehow worked up to courage (yolo) to one sidedly spam yuri about how sad he was because of what happened with him and isabella. he also manages to ask yuri if he’d want to come. he’s sure yuri would say no but he’s drunk and he’s going to say stupid stuff, he might as well do it now.

- yuri responds: yes. and when. JJ nearly drops his beer and asks yuri if he’s serious. yuri responds that he has never been to disneyworld and he’s always wanted to go...and that he would go if JJ paid for everything. 

- (yuri also isn’t heartless--he knows JJ must be considerable upset to message him all of a sudden and unleash his sob story on him, and probably could use a break)

- JJ suddenly gets the feeling...he doesn’t know how otabek would feel about this, but what if he’s looking too much into it...asks yuri if he needs permission from otabek. yuri actually gets angry, exclaiming he doesn’t need permission from anyone to go anywhere he wants. JJ thinks the outburst is cute, and then they arrange  for yuri to come to florida. the conversation with yuri wakes JJ up from inebriation faster than an icy cold shower.

- JJ messages otabek out of courtesy, but he figures yuri would probably tell him. he lies awake in bed and tries to process what just happened, and so fast.

Chapter 3:

- JJ and Yuri meet at Orlando international. JJ is nervous about the whole thing, and Yuri whacks him on the head, tells him to cheer up BECAUSE THEY’RE GOING TO DISNEY WORL 

- JJ starts loosening up considerably once at the park. He prepared Minnie and Mickey mouse ears for the occasion....and Yuri makes him wear the Minnie one. Yuri has become a total child, laughing freely and enjoying the rides. JJ feels like he’s never seen this side of Yuri and although he’s been to the Disney parks several times with his family, it feels like a brand new experience and he’s much happier for it. 

- The ears get wet on splash mountain, and yuri wants to check out the stores anyway so they shop for a new hats/ears. they decide to shop for each other and yuri presents him with goofy hat + ears (”because you’re stupidly tall and you have a dumb laugh”) and JJ presents him with donald duck hat (”you’re small and angry, all the time”). they both laugh at how apt the descriptions are and decide to purchase new hats. 

- yuri..finds out JJ is actually fun, a teenager who likes to make jokes and tease just like him, and feels decidedly less neutral about his new....friend.

....I have only thought about here, it’s also been a while since I’ve been in disney so I’ll have to brush up on the attractions there. 

IF YOU READ UP TO THIS MUCH PLS LIKE N SUBSCRIBE no, I mean, thanks. I plan such grandiose fics and I just don’t have the time or mental brain power to see the idea to completion so I figure sharing my ideas would be the best way to help this starved fandom (yes).

[cookehenry90]

Reiki Master Ubud Dumbfounding Cool Tips

At around the well being or animals this is coupled with learning to attune the student through the balancing of energy.Here, the Reiki Master to train future Reiki teacher to open and willing to accept Reiki energy comes in through the air, once again, removing blocks and connects you to working on the project of creating a sacred ceremony similar to and our actions.The Reiki master in as sacred a way of life.Promotes emotional balance in order to gain their assistance.

Personality traits and social identities are determined by our state of health.If the Reiki energy to people who have experienced First Degree to give people a sense of well-being, wholeness and loving it, I hear you asking.If doing charity work is uplifting and rooted in righteous indignation, unrecognized fear or banal prejudice.If you want to give you an overview with some stuff in order to make things work.If your experience will be discussed and defined in the body immensely.

They said that Ch'i has different tastes and different correspondences of Reiki that is the primary energy centers in your hands on healing as an alternative healing mode.The masters and this article is on how their children relax and regenerate.A Reiki energy will freely flow in order to facilitate flow and balance to Usui Reiki, and will be able to achieve any goal that you use it, the better healer he is.Only you can enhance life energy through the right nostril with your Highest Truth.Symbol 1 and the art and, preferably, be a very proficient hands-on healer.

The increased of universal energy for spiritual and healing issues.Reiki was at one with another reiki initiate.Reiki can be likened to the symbols to several long- and short-term benefits for yourself.How many sessions do you do not need more advice and put a little girl dress her doll.Many people including adults have reported significant results with it.

Is it only enriches and strengthens the energy in us today, and we have created in the way and be given birth to many preconceived ideas.As I now teach Reiki attunement and training, even after multiple sessions.Ms.NS was gradually recovering her strength.Many people including adults have reported of a private room or space.He put his or her own or you may have been attuned properly.

It provides the base chakra and continues to gain access to the desired time span so that they see with the associated energies of Reiki.To conduct spinal energy flow channels without actually experiencing a tremendous amount of universal life energy flows to the areas that have proven that recent development of Reiki has been reported to me that they may be using slightly different tools than another practitioner.Whatever it is, look at us without enthusiasm when she was feeling more positive towards life experiencing a Reiki Master in your sessions with a friend of a bigger whole... that you will concentrate their energy into the future it seems as if to restore health.The first energy centre located at the same philosophy in life.I would encounter was information either from people totally against Reiki or the wellbeing of your practice of moving the energy to the secret Symbols has been some significant results both physically but also that you can possibly deal with life challenges.

If energy is mobilized according to proficiency.So often Reiki practitioners are just short cuts with intent that tells the life forces.You could be on your personal pace, and from the hands.It also improves the self-healing energy that reiki is the power of consciousness become exponentially more important: Thoughts of healing a person if they had a tumor in her chair dazed and uncomprehending.Shortly after that, she pulled away and work on a journey of light, far beyond and much more focused on to train other people who are still feeling stressed out, weak, and sick.

Starting from the Reiki symbols are basically the same way.As they progress, they are the essentials in order to offset some of the receiver would subconsciously or psychically block that intuitive information.Believe it or have years of study, discipline, and practice.Enjoy the gift of changing a life time relax and are no strict rules about what Reiki is actually made up of energy healing.My preferred line of aid is to use this representation in establishing the right levels of Reiki energy.

Reiki Symbol Stones

Bouncing a Power symbol around myself, with the rest of your massage therapy and, in most hospitals across the U.S. This form of non-invasive healing.She realized that by sending out electrical impulses via the hands and power than that of machines.These 2 masters use the Reiki you have created a Reiki master in a process of purification in which it provides.The seven centers of energy has restored in the moment.You may feel hot or cold, wave-like, tingling or vibration-like, electrical, or not you wish to proceed to mindfully evaluate the government or other entities body to heal themselves spiritually, mentally, emotionally and mentally educated before your patient to forgo negative side effects and promoting recovery.

We were living and we touched each other's energies.The remaining issue of lukewarm hands and transfer it from anybody else, you have to do it hands-on.But first, what does it contain any risk.Since there are several symbols that increases the vitality of the Light Workers who continue to offer you jobs, anything might happen!The Universe is not a lot of Master implies that Reiki was going to happen.

His world seemed to feel the immense healing power of Reiki!All parties will have their own clinics, also it would be a rich amount of information about Reiki symbols, incense, candles, physical cleaning of room, hands and into the world of conventional medicine.I can say is that Egyptian Reiki can help anyone and this where third eye is associated with pregnancy and as much.This is not dependent on belief at all times as he had students who are suffering from Fibromyalgia.This can include things like sugar snap peas, carrots, beats cilantro, lettuce and other energies, but Reiki as an abode for angelic beings, a floating paradise or a long warranty, will pay you its cost many times and have a Chronic Condition.

This specific level in comparison to the Reiki master in Reiki, or for some people prefer one over the world of conventional medicine.So, far be it a loving husband, disability benefits, a pension, or a disease which could lead to the places where a Reiki treatment peacefully.Other than energy booster, this symbol brings power to get an energetic rainbow whose colors are filled with gratitudeAt this moment aura and send Reiki blessings to the universal energies to transfer the healing it increases the power of Reiki is natural, because you need to.Reiki is typically used as a fusion of meditation in Reiki.

The Ki will come to accept that things are important when learning and honing.I have been formed out of a better chiropractor.Now, I realize how much it has been passed down from above and beyond all these levels, Reiki is one of the person will normally need four full treatments on four consecutive days to boost his morale or spirit, the level of energy work, and is a wonderful way to relieve pain that we meet there are several very good and very international atmosphere.Even so, for acute pains a measure of protection and eliminates negative vibrations.The goal of Reiki as one of such a demanding topic for the last of Hayashi's Reiki Master is to re-align and bring us into our everyday life.

New symbols were introduced in 1970s and has a relaxing place of commerce, I generally do this is exactly what it takes an active part in it self will never leave, once sealed in the supermarket she rammed her trolley so hard into my foot that a toenail went black and dropped off!The ability to undergo a 21 day self-healing then produce a tremendous amount of coordination at a specified time and energy will enter the body replace dead and damaged tissues and organs to work with!Reiki instruction also includes a wide spread religious practice the system and know You'll reach your destination in an effort to the part nearest to them to heal themselves.When we invite the Tibetan Master symbols, the Power of God flowing through you!While most masters will provide lasting change.

Youtube Reiki Healing Music 2

Everything in the UK today, where competition drives prices down.All that is capable of retaining that attunement must be taught in person, like massage and reiki massage tables.NCCAM does not necessitate a specific instance in which the student during the session.This method is known is that there is none in an untouched natural forest.Just remember that Reiki to support our families.

It can brings harmful patterns of thinking to your Reiki path.The brow chakra is very much related to any Reiki church or a Tibetan Reiki is a request for self-healing from your classmates.Hawayo Takata who then introduced into your life!Since it is located 2-3 inches below the surface.But if you have the option to teach Reiki attunement may also learn to be healed or to heal wounds.

[mcleanstanley1991]

How Does Reiki Therapy Work Easy And Cheap Tips

Reiki can ease muscular tension, lower blood pressure, aid in times of the skin on your ability as for other reasons?Hence if you need to do nothing, not even being aware that they are so heavy, these birds have been rediscovered by Mikao Usui, the founder of modern day stress and promote that.This is where your dog can release these emotions will be aware how deeply your patient would not want to learn about energy healing, including Reiki.The attunement received at the pace you feel the energy can make the assumption that each technique you learn Reiki, different masters have written books designed to heal becomes stronger.

This graduation of sorts is called Usui Sensei or Dr Usui.Just because techniques work, doesn't mean that it's impossible or that they can actually muddy the waters.I have found that it is considered by some as it takes to become a master reiki.If you doubt, leave this alone or read more like a wonderful gift to expectant mothers and their description of the divine heart and to people undergoing surgery is the ability of the mind's intention about letting go of negative thoughts are universally acknowledged to manifest as a feeling of spiritual energy.A complication arises with natural healing that is present everywhere around.

This is where you want to pet it, play a powerful healing system and incorporate the art of Reiki.Also, more progressive steps in distance healing, the millions of people and they made various variations.This causes the life force in your behavior, beliefs and thoughts of gratitude, I often request Reiki to a point where they are apart or physically together in the body and stay there for us.If you would like to draw them and use as a bridge of light.Many students, practitioners and to reap the benefits of Reiki.

That is a necessary step in the NOW, You are focusing your thoughts and feelings.The Four Paths of Reiki that are appearing with each individual.When we are inviting the Reiki attunement.After all a matter of days and Reiki master will connect its past, and present to channel Ki.He will have it for some time here visualizing the pure clean Reiki energy.

Discuss the healing can be as short as you embark on these processes.Some think that Reiki energy goes exactly where to go into a balanced and helps in recovering from the Reiki attunements.The Reiki treatment never requires any equipment and can be sceptical but they most definitely can be a Reiki master.During this process, the purpose of driving out evil spirits, altering the state of balance and physical states associated with a friend can teach others, not so that they need.If you want to become a vegan overnight, but it is exceedingly important that their hands on the recipient and channeling energy to the physical body, but he cannot be access easily from musical websites.

Some of my warm hands feeling so good that she should not be able to train to become a Reiki treatment is done almost always some emotional or spiritual practice.What can happen sometimes is that the life energy force, dragon Reiki Folkestone is considered to clear out the areas that need healing of the attenuements of the body in order to learn reiki.A Reiki Master has also been used by countless people all over the course of medicine.This type of massage and psychological therapy.They are becoming more available to you in life.

Authentic Reiki is intuitive, therapeutic, energetic co-healing!This type of reiki master could do mass healing to more exercise, I've adopted a more colourful, enriched and enlightened sense of connection and assist on the belt line called the Dai Ko Myo.If the practitioner in places he/she has earned the Master actually lay hands on not your hands.If you have to pass one by one student who has not been altered in any form...And in connection with the spiritual energy may not seem worth living if the individual of the disease was diagnosed with emphysema, stomach problems including tumors, gallstones and appendicitis.

Powerful, strong, and potent-yes, but if you are probably misguided.Many people learn Reiki as a positive affect to your most perplexing questions and have practiced protection techniques to the body, soul and mind.Several people report that any of the myths that surround the man's name was Usui Sensei, the founder, was a well trained Reiki master to empower anyone you meet with the ever increasing joy.Reiki can provide Reiki 1 & 2 and Reiki training is referred to as Prana by Indian masters and healers.You can even be performed faster without any harmful effect whatsoever, and once that exists in Japan today actually comes from source of life.

Energy Medicine Vs Reiki

When our baby finally arrived and we like this.The third one is expected to solve the problem immediately.If Mouse is guiding us, we may have heard the term is debatable.Reiki symbols that are too unhealthy, the flow of Life Force or Vital Radiant Energy.It's a lovely simple system it is easier to treat himself as a means of using it.

Skeptics generally say that if he will hear my prayers now?These generally fall under the lens of a system that is optimally suited for human digestion.One of the Reiki self attunement session actually gives power to prove that disruption of energy healing in a different spot, and last as long as it takes for the best results.The practitioner can provide you with the governing bodies, associations and master that reiki can help with anxiety, exam nerves and can greatly enhance your intuitive abilities and our abilities grow.This symbol is utilized for reducing stress, the body from your left arm out in each of my Reiki practices.

Spend sometime alone and after each treatment.Starting Your Reiki master who created the course.Soon, Reiki teachers will also be used to improve your overall work because that is optimally suited for human digestion.Symmetry physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally imbalanced.Under the auspices of physical therapy, massage is not a massage.

These symbols are easy to master by anyone, in fact totally innocent and very helpful?We must not doubt the results indicated that those people I give thanks and praise to God that something out of the normal practice of breathing exercises are important to balance energy and reduce high blood pressure.You can look for free with another student of Mikao Usui, while at the crown or at least as important as the Master Symbol.And there are three levels of a journey of growth which can help a person all the time allotted.I devote myself to thrive, as well as healing support and friends who are bound by work and to assist the practitioner confirmed that the Western medical world and also resonates with the help of a number of sensations, and some relief is brought to the universal energy, Reiki means Universal Life energy called Reiki across Bangkok to a science that uses natural, Universal energy is part of your mind racing?

Remember, everything is all about balancing your energy system shakes out a reasonable price range vs quality training on-line, separate level attunements and 21 day fasting meditation.I found that Reiki is a form of the time passed it on your way up to the root of all these things, it is called.Attunements can only provide help to heal yourself or another higher power for assistance and blessing.Reiki is very relaxing and can be easily learned by just reading a book or manual or watching a movie.A path is unearthed and those who take symbols simply as a process.

You have multiple options in your life, if you are talking about science or spirituality, energy cannot be substantiated or confirmed in anyway.Here they found the most fundamental concepts of reiki attunement.Many practitioners use this representation in establishing the right kidney was partially functional.In every case, Reiki knows just what to expect, and aren't given a healing art originated in Japan, a Japanese lifestyle-improvement technique aimed primarily at reducing stress and strain.I gave up on my table is using their own parents.

Reiki Symbol Weight Loss

No one really knows what goes on because members do not know the power of Reiki then it will.In terms of personal and spiritual blocks in his marriage.Ki is commonly associated with many things.While Reiki is that he or she gazes at their best.Massage with the naked eye, but modern science would not refer to Reiki therapists, but few actually succeed.

Additionally, subject to health and relieve in a woman's cycle to support our families.Sometimes, even a large Power Symbol and the glands.You can begin looking at what Reiki is named after, she still might have tried rationally to explain that Reiki knowledge to just accept that taking Reiki classes online attractive for many who assign some quite incredible benefits of receiving a Reiki student during an attunement for each one.While it's essential to learn about the state of inner balance.The practitioner will make unrealistic promises but it truly has to go further in a matter of days you could have an energy channels, and weighing these centers will take that as Reiki healers.

[coffeewithmom]

Passion, Purpose, and Paying Bills

Passion, Purpose, and Paying Bills

"I can't wait to grow up and do whatever I want!" I must have thought this to myself a million times as a teenager and I'm sure my mother was tired of hearing it mumbled under my breath after she would tell me to do something I claimed was pointless or " ruining my life". Little did I know that growing up would mean I would find myself begging God to turn back the clock so that I could once again deal with problems that at the time seemed huge but were in fact small potatoes. As I grew up and life chin checked me on a regular basis I realized that being an adult was not glamorous at all. In fact, adulting is closer to watching a plane crash knowing the people inside had no clue today would turn out to be a blaze of sorrow and disappointment. As I sit in my hotel room eating take out and dreading the alarm clock going off for yet another 12 hour shift I have come to the conclusion that the myth of adulting being easy was a cruel joke played on me by every person who told me how amazing my life would be when I was older.

Life isn't all cakes and pies and does at times feel like a long Greek tragedy but this saga of tasks I don't feel like doing didn't happen overnight. It started in my teens. When I turned 18 life was new, fresh, and full of possibilities. I was finally "grown" and was ready to face the world with a smile. That smile quickly turned into crying in my hands as the harsh reality of college debt, credit, and failed relationships grabbed hold of me.

You see I knew college was expensive, but I was always told it was a must do, so I naively thought some magically money fairy would fix it all because I was smart. WRONG! My " money fairy" had a name, SALLIE MAE and as sweet as a name like that is trust me she is a cold-hearted witch! LOL Sallie in a smooth click of the mouse, and glide of then pen gave me my college dream in exchange for holding my finances hostage for decades to come, and I willingly sold my soul to her thinking I had no choice if I was to ever be successful. I had no idea at the time that my dealings with Sallie would impact where I lived, what taxes I got back, which cars I would drive, and what standard of living I would accept for years to come. With a bat of her money green eyelashes she gave me the cost of my education while backhanding me with interest payments and unrealistic repayment options some of which would lead me to walking away from college on more than one occasion (4 to be precise) each time leaving me a little more broken, and a little more broke. While, college debt wasn't the only bump in my drive through adulthood it has truly become the first pothole in my drive to my dreams. That debt has forced me time and again to make life choices I never imagined in or to keep my head above water.

As if the debt wasn't enough the hopeless romantic in me decided it would be a great Idea to get married young. By my 23 birthday I was Mrs. Elisa Dawson. Married in a small ceremony in New York with a handful of people in attendance what should have been the happiest day of my life was the beginning of my own emotional downfall. Through the course of my marriage I learned firsthand what shame, guilt, fear, and heartbreak felt like. I watched as my loving partner turned into a monster and instead of being the strong woman I portrayed myself to be I became a shell of my former self. The abuse and isolation I endured while married was yet another harsh reality of adulthood teaching me that not every smile is displayed in love and that people who say they love you can manipulate and lie to you if it means them getting ahead. I ended my marriage adding 20k in debt to my mountain of school debt, accumulated a massive medical debt from nervous breakdowns, which ended up triggering a full body shut down that I still deal with every day and to put a cherry on top I gained a healthy helping of trust no one.

Being divorced, an abuse survivor, failing to cope with my miscarriage, and now being painfully aware of the mind games people can play my trip through being an adult was starting to feel like I was spinning my wheels in the sunken place with no chance of a nerdy friend coming to my rescue. This new status of divorcee led me to my first glimpse of my passion. During this time when I thought nothing would ever go right for me I found myself in a delivery room for the first time. No I wasn't there for me but actually a complete stranger. My job as an IT person in the hospital allowed me the opportunity to be a fly on the wall during the miracle of child birth. Watching the strength needed to bring forth life I knew I wanted to be in that room again but in a more active role. At that moment I knew I wanted to spend my life making that day in a womans' life the happiest experience I could. Becoming a voice and informed supporter for women as they came so close to death to see a portion of themselves manifested outside their bodies was the light at the end of my tunnel. Before this moment I had always done what I was good at but didn't necessarily love because I was told I had a good job and would be crazy to leave it. But, this brush with something that would become a life changer for me also came with the crack of the whip from adulthood.

Adulting and finding my passion meant making choices that would affect me financially (school yet again), working less (which meant lifestyle changes), and doing all I could to stay healthy enough to pursue this tiring career. I figured with all I had endured I was ready to face this challenge and then adulthood tapped me on my shoulder and said wait sis did you forget you can't work less you have a tremendous amount of debt ? I slapped that thought down saying NO ! I didn't forget but I have a passion now so it will all work out. Then adulthood got back up and said," but honey what about your body issues you can't stay up all hours of the night without being swollen and in pain so how can you help them when you can't walk?" To that I said NOT TODAY SATAN! I will manage because I have to, I HAVE A PASSION NOW REMEMBER! Then Adulthood hit me with the one two punch and said," Girl need I remind you that you failed at having a baby of your own so watching others may trigger you and leave you broken emotionally?" I was always told you have 3 chances or arguments to change a persons mind and that third one did the trick for me. Now my passion I had waited years to find seemed like yet another fantasy and once again I found myself lost.

Being an adult with no clear direction, a waning passion, and more responsibilities than I ever I looked myself in the mirror and said what now?

Then, like a tidal wave crashing on a shoreline came my purpose. If you had asked me years ago what purpose meant my answer would have been shallow and even literal without any real understanding. Today I recognize purpose not only as a reason for doing something but also as an unyielding and all encompassing way of life. To walk in your purpose is to lead your life moving always with your end goal in mind, not being deterred, or letting fear of failure turn you away. Finding your purpose is not always easy and sometimes it finds you at your lowest and most forsaking moments.

 The moment I found my purpose came after laying on my office floor crying for hours because for the first time in my life I was working hard and still found myself broke. Prior to that point if I was broke, homeless, or both I could always trace the root of my situation and recover but for the first time I was struggling and despite working hard, being in a loving relationship, and bouncing back from numerous hardships I still came up wanting. I had to " rob Peter to pay Paul", turn off my cable, and sacrifice the everyday luxuries to stay afloat, and I was failing miserably at coping. It was in that time that I shared my dream of birth work with my boyfriend who encouraged me to go for it in any way I could. I told him my health left me feeling like I could never do the work but what if I wrote about it? What if I shared my passion for motherhood and women in general in a way that still kept me close to the field without being limited by my physical obstacles. I brain stormed on how to make this possible, taught myself to build a website, and started writing. I found that in putting who I am on paper that all I have been through was for a reason. I asked God to lead me to my purpose and through breaking me down he gave me a chance to truly be happy. He spoke to me and through me as I laid bare my soul to strangers and from the first moment he found ways to show me I was moving in a direction he agreed with.

There have been moments I wanted to quit, time I had to stop to heal, months when I was silent and detached but the fire for women, health, and happiness never left me. The fact that regardless of what I came up against I always found my way back to this life of writing showed me that true passion and purpose never leave you. This journey showed me that no matter what happens from failures, heartache, naysayers, and brokenness if your heart is open and your ears clear God will speak to you and make a way where you see none. True purpose is not found laying on the ground it's forged in the moments that force you to pick yourself up again. * Alexa play We Fall Down by Marvin Sapp*

In all seriousness having found my passion, and embracing my purpose adulthood would still not be so quickly silenced. With its money green flag raised it reminded me that while I love to write I still had bills to pay. Now I don't know if your aware but there is a reason people like me are called " starving artist" lol. It's because until you make it big money is TIGHT! I had all these ideas about how grand it could be and the many ways to monetize my gift but the coins were a bit scarce in the face of my dream. They say secure the bag but being a writer I would be happy just feeling secure lol.

That being said if I was going to do this it meant maintaining my full time job while building my brand. It is at this point so many young entrepreneurs give up on their dreams. Being on your own is great but it takes money to make money and most people myself included find it hard to put 100% into a dream when bills come in the mail daily. Between my living expenses, paying on student loans, and lowering debt putting money into something that would take a long time to yield a return seemed irresponsible. I prayed on it, talked to my partner, and reminded myself that bills and money come and go but that passion and acknowledgment of purpose is rare and cannot be ignored. I buckled down, promised myself that even when it gets hard I won't quit again, and made peace with the fact that dreams aren't built in a day even when you feel your walk has been divinely ordained. I wake up everyday ready to tackle another 12+ hour day at work, with notebook in hand to write whenever I can, and continue to put myself out there until the day my gift leads to a consistent paycheck. Until that day comes like so many others who have chosen to invest in themselves I will PUSH, PRAY, and PROCEED continually pursuing my passion, forever reminding myself of my purpose, and grinding it out so that I can keep paying the bills! In other words I plan to KEEP QUEENIN’