#things that are just fucking weird: everything else. what the fuck.

[unpretty]

How did you get so good at writing??? Did you take classes? I feel like you should get paid all the money for this! (I subscribe to your website!)

after i dropped out of high school i found a torrent of like 5GB of OCRd romance novels and i read like 3 romance novels a day for a while

read enough romance novels and you will realize that they live or die entirely on technical skill. if you are new to romance novels then even bad ones can dazzle you with novelty but by the time you are on your 30th historical fake engagement between a bluestocking and a rakish duke you can grade them and you know when they've failed. when two books have what should be the same main characters hitting the same plot beats, but one of those books is delightful and the other fucking sucks, you learn some things. some books are bad and still delightful. other books are good but they just don't hit. you start to see the seams in the bad ones. 'oh, this is a weird out of character moment because she wanted to have the kabedon moment and didn't know how to get there'. 'she didn't want the ust to end but couldn't think of a better reason than this deus ex cockblock.' that kind of thing.

you could probably do this with other genres but i like romance because the plot is two people fall in love. that's it. everything else is set dressing. if you can figure out how to make that work you can carry it over into whatever other genre you feel like. mysteries would give you a different skillset around plotting that i don't have.

anyway after that i wrote a lot.

[1980shorrorfilm]

the cut that always bleeds

keep clicking.

pairing…rain carradine x fem!reader x ellie williams

in which…ellie doesn’t seem to have time for you anymore; rain does.

before you read…angst, fluff. full transparency this comes forward very rain x reader but life is all about perspective 💜 don’t count how many times you see the word ‘moon.’ pretend theres no errors challenge. also pls no one get mad at this it’s just a little (4k count) gay story. . .

you’re cold.

the bonfire is blazing before you, and you’re cold. rain is sitting by your side, just barely providing you the warmth you crave— but ellie is a deep void that’s sucking it from you, sucking the joy from you that your other friends have. 

she’s occasionally sparing you glances over the flickering fire, and every time your eyes meet, there’s something behind them. but she pulls away, devoting her attention to the girl beside her, forgetting you’re there. 

you’re not sure what you’ve done— why she got bored of your friendship and seemingly dropped it for another. not that she couldn’t have other friends, you just take notice when someone else is prioritized over you. and it's not a nice feeling.

she doesn’t hang out with you anymore, endless excuses that are so fucking lame that you don’t even bother arguing against them. your patrols are awkward, always quiet like you’re waiting for the other to start a conversation, but neither of you do.

what could you talk about? you selfishly don’t want to hear about the details of her life without you present in it. you miss that— her, more than anything.

but you know she’s happy, her face flushes hues of pink with each interaction with the brunette. she looks nervous around her, picking at the right things to say before they roll off her tongue. that’s how you know it’s a crush— you were once the same. not now.

you feel a weird resentment. it’s not anger, but annoyance, wondering when or if she would notice you’re no longer her shadow, and if it would bother her.

rain notices the inability you have to show a smile, her sister's singing slowly comes to a bittersweet end.

she leans closer to you while your friends whistle at ellie, her head lowering in embarrassment, a habit you found cute.

“you good?”

you turn your head, meeting her blue eyes, swallowed by concern and her hand finding your knee out of habit when things are wrong. it’s not even a question that you had to answer because she knew. you tell her an easy lie, “yeah…just tired.”

she believes it, you think, nodding in return.

“do you…want me to bring you home?” she shyly offers, neither of you paying attention to the green irises locked in on you. ellie didn’t care for whatever relationship you and rain shared— she loves you both and that’s that. but, you were her friend first. 

you were the new kid that enjoyed sitting quietly with ellie in the comfort of her garage, rain was more sociable and almost too kind for you, at the time. now, of course you adore it. you love that rain spends her company with you, caring for you, admiring you. she had a way of making you forget everything else, and more importantly, ellie.

so, ellie can’t help but feel the tugging of her heart, while you’re tugged away from her. and she doesn’t even care to realize, she had placed the first brick, and built the wall between you. 

she’s not a perfect person. but that’s not what you wanted from her or expected. you just wanted her there, with you, not near you as someone you used to know.

rain catches you in your head again.

“hm?” she hums, a gentle squeeze on your knee realizing you let her question linger with no response. you nod, wanting nothing more than the fresh air from the forest than the heavy smoke surrounding you, suffocating you the same way ellie did.

rain gets up, and you copy, now capturing the eyes of your friends. “we’re ready to crash,” she announces, an exchanged look with ellie that you don’t read into, “don’t stay out too late, kids.”

you two ignore the groans, rain rolling her eyes with a ‘yeah, yeah,’ as you walk away together. 

the dirt path darkens the farther you get away from the fire, only the moon providing light for you. it casts an eerie yet lovely shadow over the tall trees, dead with orange leaves clinging to their branches. they crunch and crumble beneath your feet, both of you finding peace at the noise. 

when you turn to rain, she’s watching the moon— intently, as it could disappear at any given moment. 

it’s sweet, her fixation, you wish you could take her camera and snap a photo of her for yourself. to hang above your bed the way she does with her favorite pictures…quite a few of you. then her head turns to you, and yours turns away, to your dirt-covered shoes. 

“what?” 

“hm?”

“you’re staring, y/n.” 

“am not.”

rain laughs quietly, your face burning with heat at getting caught. it’s not the first time, but it’s the first time she’s dared to point it out. you can’t help that her features are really fucking pretty, mirroring ellie in that sense. and that when she’s super focused, her lips part an inch and her eyes narrow in, and she looks adorable. 

rain changes the topic, her tone now serious, “sooo…wanna tell me what’s up?”

you bite your tongue, literally and figuratively, not having the courage to confess that her sister is the storm cloud above your head and the boulder weighing you down. again, she notices, because of course she does, and quickly talks again, “im sorry—i didn’t—you just seem off.”

rain is mentally cursing herself for how far from smooth her words come out, not sure how to help you in the way she desperately wants to. she wouldn’t push for you to tell her anything you weren’t comfortable with, and that’s often what made communicating to rain so easy.

just, not with this, not this time.

“gotta headache,” you give yet another short lie, hoping it goes over her head. it doesn’t, not completely, but she accepts it. rain nods, the silence between you two only lasting for a few seconds before she speaks again, “ellie’s singing that bad, huh?” 

the joke finally gets a soft laugh from you, rain feeling satisfied she earned it from you, that it causes her lips to tug upward. now it’s her turn to stare, to observe the beauty in you that she finds in the moon, how despite the internal turmoil you’re enduring, you still manage to radiate such light. 

she doesn’t blink. not until she steps on a twig, and swallows the air, redirecting her gaze forward again. it’s a weird feeling…in a daze from you. it’s forbidden, you have only ever been friends, ellie had basically built your friendship over a series of game nights as a trio.

how could she cross a line that has been firmly in place for years? would you cross it?

she goes quiet the rest of the way home, and you don’t have the energy to make a conversation, so it’s just the chirping from the insects and the occasional blowing of the wind. you don’t mind it.

when you successfully sneak back into the walls of jackson, rain continues to walk you back to your place, all the way up the steps to your porch and standing idly in front of the door. 

“well…” rain starts, looking up from her white and red sneakers to your face, “i hope you feel better—your head, i mean—if not you should head to the infirmary, just in case, you know.”

she’s so doting you almost consider her words, the lie you created falsely slipping into a short reality, and you nod. “yeah, yeah, will do that.”

“cool, yeah, okay,” rain’s voice is above a whisper, almost forgetting this is the part where she walks away. that’s until you pull away from the moment first, something of a tight-lipped smile on your face that was practically saying goodbye to her, opening your door. 

when it shuts, rain lets out a breath she wasn’t aware she was holding, lingering on your doorstep for a few passing seconds, before forcing herself to leave.

and as if you jinxed it, there’s a subtle pounding on your temple when you strip from your outdoor clothes, but you couldn’t blame that on the wires in your brain. 

it was the heavy, so fucking loud, and obnoxious thoughts of ellie. how dina is probably cuddled into her side while you’re going to sleep in your lonely bed. you don’t like feeling alone like this, just moments prior you were fine— you had rain at your side. 

you wish you invited her in; and that she’d lay by you with enough space in your platonic comfort zones. she would happily do so, and she wouldn’t leave you until you fell into a slumber when she knew you were at ease. 

you fall asleep picturing that, picturing her.

the next few days are surprisingly, easy.

it’s easy to numb the hurt from ellie with the presence of rain, and she was making herself your shadow. lunch at the tipsy bison, leading you to the back where you’re tucked away from everyone else. it was nice, it was intimate. other evenings when the sun is setting and she’s at your door, the sky casting an orangish glow on a certain angle of her face that makes her look like she descended from heaven itself. 

she'd come with goodies from the greenhouse she spent most of her time in, taking the uglier veggies and fruits that she had grown and making a meal out of them with you, for you. she was taking care of you in every sense of the word, not allowing a frown to fall upon your face.

today was different, though.

you didn’t attend the bar and she didn’t show up on your doorstep. instead, you’re in her bedroom— the smell of wood filling your senses from her rustic furniture, making the room feel cozier. a bubble from the outside world you never wanted to pop.

you're sifting through her latest collection of polaroids, mostly— no, entirely —of the moon in its different stages. you don't point that out, though, you don’t find it repetitive. you smile lightly, your fingertips tracing the edges of the glossy photographs. rain observing your face as she mirrors you, sitting crisscrossed parallel to you on her bed.

“i know it’s not super exciting—“ she says, almost apologetic, downplaying the actual excitement she had when she pulled the stack from out of her nightstand to show you. “i just think she’s pretty.”

you’re eyeing one of the blurry ones, making an illusion that there were two moons; two bright, almost ethereal orbs hanging in the sky, like they're celestial twins. you hum, taking it in, then glancing up at her, her expression soft but expectant, she's been watching you closely this whole time. curious, you ask, “she?”

“oh,” her lips curl slightly, a tenderness, maybe shyness, to her voice when she swallows then speaks again, “people in the old world used to think the moon was—well, is, a feminine symbol—sorta like a connection, i guess. and…just look at her…she’s…”

rain trails off, and you don’t seem to notice how her dark pupils are deeply set on your face, like she was trying to remember each outline, catching herself fading from the conversation and into you.

“she's just...always there...and always different—but always beautiful," she gulps, shrugging, afraid you're losing interest, “i don't know...i guess i just like that idea.”

you feel crazy for thinking there's something else to her words, something that makes your skin flush, but you blame it on the intimate atmosphere. you hum again, letting the silence settle between you two, but the air just seems to grow thick, a subtle tension building in that moment. not bad, just...different.

when you're done admiring the photographs, your gaze drifts to hers. she clears her throat, and your heart pounds in your chest. she talks first after building the courage.

“do you...” rain begins, her voice wavering slightly, but she manages to push through it. “do you wanna go to the bonfire tomorrow?”

“tomorrow? i didn’t know they planned that,” you say, wondering why her simple words and question have a weight behind them, a half inviting and half uncertain look on her face. like she's desperate for you to say yes.

but, you're already trying to come up with a reason to why you’re about to decline. things have been okay. you don’t need to be there, around ellie, and slip away again.

rain shakes her head, “they didn’t. i just thought, maybe you and i…”

your breath gets caught in your throat. it's not a typical gathering, it's rain wanting to be with you, and just you. she can tell you're caught off guard, her mouth opening, “it’s totally cool if you don’t—”

“no, yeah, we can,” you agree in the most nonchalant way you can, like the warmth isn't spreading through your chest by the mere idea. rain is not a rebel, not in the same sense that ellie was, and already took hesitation to your group sneaking out; she is making an exception for you.

she doesn’t reply, chewing her cheek to prevent the grin ready to flash, and to distract herself from overthinking it.

and then, she ruins the moment.

“by the way…ellie has been asking about you.”

damn it.

“she has?” your stomach flips, rain catching the glimpse of hope in your eyes, but it doesn’t last, not when you continue to speak again. “we haven’t been…”

“i know,” rain says softly, “that’s why she—”

“she’s busy these days,” you cut rain off, the feeling of comfort that ellie still cares, not able to overpower the bitterness you hold. going through her sister, to reach you? pathetic. she could spare five minutes from her dina-centered days to simply check in on you.

you add, “and i’ve been busy, too.”

with rain. she nods, letting it end there.

rain loves her sister, obviously, but she’s aware of her screw-ups that sometimes involve the ones she cares about. and as much as rain had a habit of figuring out her family and friend's problems, she couldn’t, not with this, not with whatever was going on between you. 

ellie will cross that bridge when she comes to it. and so will you. the best she could do was simply be there when you two needed her. 

and you need her.

the next night, rain had shown up at your doorstep the very moment jackson had gone dark. hair neatly tucked half up, adorned in that crimson jacket of hers, smelling like a mix of the clementines she grows in the greenhouse and the generic soap she slathered on her body. a scent that reminds you you’re okay.

rain was making simple conversation on the trail there, still on alert for any possible unwelcome eyes or visitors in the surrounding woods, whenever her eyes weren’t on you. the moon is full, and you look beautiful. she almost said that, but decided against it.

when you approach the clearing, it is an odd feeling to be there without hearing ellie’s honey voice sing a familiar song, the crack at a smile on her face if her eyes would land on you…that was a while ago, though. 

you barely sigh, watching rain tug off her backpack and bend over, getting the fire started while you sit on an empty log. you wait, bouncing your knee before you interrupt the silence. “it’s quiet.”

fantastic observation, y/n. rain spares you a glance, “that’s a good thing— means it’s just us.”

though she had meant it in the sense you’re safe, there’s an edge to her voice that makes your skin flush, and your heart thuds a little harder than you care to admit.

it is the most intimate setting when rain successfully gets the fire to spark, poking at it until it grows into a steady flame, then joining you. sitting directly next to you, thighs mere inches from touching. “i brought a blanket,” she mentions, “just in case you’re cold— get cold.”

“i’m fine, rain.”

“okay—i just don’t want you getting sick or anything,” rain finds it necessary to explain, a smile flashing on your face at her taking you into consideration. you chew at your bottom lip, and rain shoves her hands in her pockets.

for some reason, the energy feels charged, somehow electrifying despite the calmness of it all, the crackling of the fire and the occasional brushing of her leg against yours.

you're both quiet for a while, not sure what to say, to address whatever was hanging in the air like the mist in the surrounding forest, acting like barrier between you two and the rest of the world. that's when you feel her shift beside you.

rain is hesitant, but she nervously questions you, “was it…really your head that night? i mean—when i walked you home.”

you weren't ready for that. it feels too loaded, and your throat tightens.

but, you glance from the fire to her anyways, ember flames dancing on her delicate features, contorted in slight worry. she looks as ethereal as the moon, and maybe it's the setting, the trust you feel in this moment; that you show her some honesty.

“no,” it comes out lowly, and you shrug, trying to pass it off like it was truly not a big deal, “just didn’t want to be there.”

she still wears that face, a gentle intensity. her brows knit together, trying to push for more without making you uncomfortable, “…how come?” 

your sister. for a moment, you debate those words, considering telling her the truth, the full truth. about how you have felt about ellie, and how ellie has made you feel. like shit. chewed up stale gum at the bottom of her dirty black and white converse. it doesn't leave your mouth.

you awkwardly chuckle and fiddle with your fingers, “i dunno— i guess i just…”

you hesitate, her stare so intense you have to look back into the fire. you search for something simpler, but still raw, no longer wanting to hide all of your feelings from rain. especially when shes staring at you the way that she is.

“didn’t feel wanted?”

you hate the words as soon as they leave your lips, it sounds flat out pathetic as if you had only said them for pity. but it's true. you felt like a burden that night, there for no reason at all, dimming the mood with your disconnect from the group. it’s the nerves that make you continue to add to it.

“like…everybody had somebody,” you begin, managing to talk about ellie without explicitly saying her name, “and i was just there? i don’t know.”

you chuckle lightly at the end, but rain sees through it, through you, covering your hurt. her expression softens instantly.

“that’s not true…you have me.”

you blink at rain, her voice ever so gentle, and she reaches out, placing her hand on your knee. you like her tentative touch, so simple, yet it acts like an anchor keeping you at bay from the unfriendly thoughts in your head. it causes that internal warmth she's made you familiar with, to course through your body. from your toes, to where her hand rests, to your shoulders.

rain squeezes your knee gently, like a reassurance. a promise to her words, and the air tightens.

your gaze meets hers, the softness and sincerity behind her blue eyes, your cheeks warmer than the fire in front of you. it is just the crackling of the fire, and a howling of the wind through the trees, and you shiver. but, that's not thanks to the sudden coolness.

it's her stare. the goosebumps rise on your skin, and it happens, like that.

a mutual decision made by your eyes, a flickering between them and your lips. you lean in slightly, breath catching as your nerves grow, but she eases them when she does the same, assuring you that she wants this.

both of your hearts beat like rabbits, and your lips connect.

and then there was nothing else, no thinking, no brooding, no ellie.

just rain.

she takes it slow, cautious at first, once again squeezing your knee, but this time it’s to reassure herself— that you’re actually kissing her, that this is real, not in her head. it's not your first kiss ever, not at all, but it's the first that felt like it had meaning. like all of the love she has grown for you is on full display, wanting, needing, you to feel it.

you need to grab her, your hand slides to the back of her neck to somehow pull her closer, yet she’s the one deepening the kiss. not in a messy way, not in a rough way. she doesn’t want that from you, not yet, at least. it’s still just as tender as it is passionate, it’s like a dream.

and for a moment you had pictured with someone else, maybe even in this exact place on this exact log, this feels…right. 

when time is no longer paused, and you finally pull away, your mouth is still parted collecting your breath. “fuck…” rain mumbles, and then she laughs, “holy fuck.”

the smile she wore quickly falters from her face, the euphoria switching to concern, “that was okay— right?”

“yeah—yeah,” you whisper, the little smile returning to both of your faces, ignoring the sudden sense of unease you had felt. it was okay, fucking better than okay and you think you want more. but when you look forward again, it’s to the fire, to the log across that ellie would occupy with her pretty voice and guitar.

and then there’s rain, shyly looking at her red and white sneakers.

a minute doesn’t even pass. you swallow thickly, leaning forward, and kissing her again.

it’s an hour later when the flames had died, a quiet walk back home with stolen glances. you’re both in a haze, minds foggy with the thought of the other. though, yours wavers, a certain pair of green eyes flashing in your head. it was supposed to be her— that’s what you had used to think. 

ellie and you, not you and rain. so naive, you were. and so wrong, because rain felt right. she felt perfect.

and your schedule is quickly prioritized around rain over the following week. her free time was yours, and yours hers. 

walks around jackson taking photos of the things she found beauty in— the light in a dark world. which included you, often off guard, or stupid faces in her bedroom. 

the sleepovers sharing her bed, rain always meeting your hands beneath the blanket, a sense of relief she craved. the chocolate chip pancakes in the morning, making sure your days started nicely, and that you were happy. all rain did was make you happy. 

and ellie, on the sidelines, took notice.

she wasn’t losing her friend— she lost her friend. to her fucking sister. not that she was upset with rain in any way, or you for that matter, it just was how it was. something she could’ve prevented. 

it’s another night you’re getting ready to go meet rain, slipping on a hoodie when you hear the knocking at your door. you already know who it is, she was still using her signature rhymed knock. two beats off from rain.

you cross your living room, twisting the knob and opening the door. ellie stands before you, in a common dark flannel and her mullet seemingly freshly trimmed, neater than usual. probably the work of someone else’s loving hands.

“hey…can i come in?” she scratches the back of her neck, and you scoot out of the way as an answer. she enters, taking in the comforting aroma of your home she hadn’t realized she missed so much. it somewhat eases the tension in her shoulders, her nerves calming. 

you slowly trail behind her, the woman sitting on your couch hunched over, elbows propped on her spread legs. this was serious, and you really don’t want this right now. 

her mouth opens before yours does, though.

“how are you?”

oh. her question catches you off guard, but it’s genuine, not surprising since she’s just a distant echo in your life these days. “i’m good,” you give her a short real answer, and she doesn’t give you time to elaborate or even ask her back.

“yeah? and—you and rain?”

you blink at her. her tone is so accusatory like any possible response will just be flat-out wrong. 

even if it’s the truth, especially if it’s the truth.

the unfortunate part is that ellie did have some right to know what your relations were with her sister; but there is nothing to tell her, because just like her and dina, you’re not calling yourselves girlfriends.

you’re friends, technically. friends that have gotten closer and closer, spending more time with each other than anyone else. letting the spark between you two grow into a flame, and into a fire. 

maybe that is the very reason why the question had left ellie’s lips, seeing a mirrored version of her and dina in you and rain. and if that is the case, why is her voice laced with venom, not obvious, yet clearly there? 

she knows you’d never hurt rain, and rain would never hurt you. there is no valid reason for her to take issue with the idea you two had something. not in your opinion, at least.

your silence is an unspoken or undecided answer, and ellie leans back, tongue-swiping her teeth. 

“right, okay,” it comes out as a rasp, with a short nod. she begins again, “you could’ve told me.”

you can’t help it— you rebuttal her. “kinda hard when you’re not around.”

“wha—” ellie’s brows furrow, suddenly standing up, eyes darkened and narrow, “every fucking time i come here, you’re gone, you know that?”

you feel a nonexistent spotlight on you that you don’t want to be under, and ellie isn’t even done speaking. “there are nights neither of you are home—so what, you’re fucking sneaking out too? it’s one thing to hide it, but to be stupid?”

“so you suddenly care about me?” you mutter, and her jaw just barely drops, taking offense at your words, pausing before she even can respond.

“how…could you even say that?”

there is no irritation in her voice this time. it’s flat, even somber, matching the energy shift in the room. you’re quiet, unable to make another snarky comment. you stare at her shoes, them approaching you, staying in place when she was just a few feet from you.

then, you look back up at her. 

“you know i love you,” ellie tells you blankly, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world, something she has said a million times over. 

it’s different when you haven’t felt her love, or any sort of affection from her in weeks, and the three words seem like more of a chore. nearly meaningless to you. the only person that made you feel like you had a purpose, was now rain, and that realization fucking stings. 

“i have to go,” you disregard the current conversation, ignoring the dry humorless chuckle that escapes ellie’s lips, “can you leave? please?”

she remains still for a moment, staring at you, and you dread it. the silent observing, waiting for you to crack, drop this curtain you’re holding up to prevent her from seeing how you truly feel. 

how you’re coming to terms with your heartbreak, before the woman that broke your heart, that was never in her possession in the first place— not that she was ever aware of. 

she nods. 

ellie forces herself to move, walking past, shoulders nearly brushing when she walks past you. you wait to hear the door open, but her palm is resting on the knob.

“i…know i messed up…” she admits, “but…you could’ve come to me.”

she’s making this harder. making your mind envision a reality where you were the one that fought harder, not her. that you didn’t slowly watch the gap between you two widen, and just expressed to her how poorly she had made you feel.

that would be easier than this. she would still be your closest friend…and rain wouldn’t. 

rain, who is currently waiting for you. her bed most certainly made neatly, reserved for you to fall asleep in, her arm bound to snake its way around you and stay in place until you woke up.

ellie debates her next choice of words, but nothing comes from her. with dread, she leaves you, alone, frozen in place trying to unpack everything. it feels impossible, and you no longer have the desire to see rain, as much as she could numb this. 

you lay down in your own, and much colder bed, but your curtains are drawn wide open and the moon is shining through your window— and she looks beautiful tonight. rain is probably admiring her, wishing she had you next to her to do so.

maybe ellie is doing the same. and maybe tonight, you’re still on her mind, even if she’s gazing at it with someone else.

[max1461]

I feel very bad and weird. I feel that something bodily is not working, uh. It's really hard to explain. I don't even know how to explain it. What it feels like it:

certain people's "identities" or "profile pictures in my mind" were deleted from my mind, so I still have factual knowledge of those people and I have memories featuring them, but they feel fake. They feel like people from a dream or something, not like they're real people, even though I know they're real.

The emotions associated with these people are still just as strong, but it's like they aren't attached to anything. They surge through me really intensely but find no place to rest. Uh it's like, I know factually who they're about but it doesn't "click", my brain can't find the person in its database or something so the emotion just comes up and then attaches to whatever I'm doing or whoever I happen to be talking to.

This was mostly just distressing and disorienting at first, but now that it's been two months I genuinely feel like I'm factually losing track of which feeling go with which people, because they keep coming up and re-attaching and it's confusing. I'm sad because I feel like I'm losing my sense of who my friends are, and I'm distressed because it feels very violating, like my relationships and memories are being invaded by whatever my brain happens to be thinking about at the time.

I'm scared that if this goes on long enough, I'll totally lose track and not be able to figure out what was what.

I don't know medically what it's happening. Everyone says it sounds like a TLE symptom but the problem is it's too consistent. It's not like I'm getting confused and then getting things a little more straight and then getting more confused, or whatever. It's totally black-and-white: these people's entries in my mental database have just been deleted, they're gone, there's no flux or whatever. That is not how I understand TLE to work, where confusion peaks after a seizure and then your mind kind of sorts things out, there should be an arc to it. Moreover I am not confused about anything else: it is literally just this, and things that feel like a knock-on effect of this. It feels very one-note.

MRI picked up nothing, which means no structural damage (there could still be damage but it would be micro scale). Also I wasn't hit in the head, this happened after anesthesia. So whatever happened had to be diffuse, right, it couldn't have targeted some specific region. And yet it feels like very specific information is fucked, and that's it. Everything else is fine, except for things that rely on this information (which, unfortunately, is a lot, because the people who's identities are messed up are people I think about pretty much daily, and with whom I associate all sorts of familiar activities and so on; there's pretty much no way to not think about it even if I'm trying).

WHAT is going on

[httydfics-and-tricks]

NSFW ideas I had recently! I'm not a writer, so please bear with me. THE VERSIONS OF THE RIDERS ARE RTTE+ BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL ADULTS.

-Ryker loves pounding you until you're crying or unable to speak. He likes treating his men and women like fragile little things, and then he breaks them. Has you ride him until you're too tired, then he'll move you up and down himself. Sometimes he'll have you on your back and goes slow, but his thrusts are rough and deep even then. Despite what some people think, he likes praising you. Running his hands over you while murmuring about how good you're taking him. Respectful and won't hurt you unless you wanna be knocked around a bit. Other than that, he's 100% praise.

-Viggo likes overstimulating you BAD. He's good with his hands so you'll get at least two orgasms before he actually decides to put his dick in you. He's one of the richest dragon hunters in the Archipelago, brothels are probably a thing, and he probably frequents them with Ryker. So he's very good at finding the spots that have you shaking and screaming. He loves being in his tent with you and leaning back in his chair while you ride him. He doesn't like hurting you, sorry. He's very respectful when it comes to sex unless specifically asked. Praise 100%

-Johann (yk I had to include him) would have two different sides. Before his betrayal, If you're a dragon rider, he loves having you 'find' his trading ship in the middle of the seas and spend a good time with foreplay, but rushes into and gets a little carried away if it's a long trip. If we're talking about after his betrayal, he is very dominant, sorry not sorry. Traitor Johann gets off on holding a knife to your throat to keep you more still while he's fucking you senseless. Obviously more praise before his betrayal, but after that it's all degrading. So Trader Johann is praise, and Traitor Johann is degrading.

-Krogan would be more vanilla in my opinion. He doesn't necessarily have time for it, in his opinion. But the man just gets stressed with Drago's expectations, and dealing with Hiccup. So when he does get a chance to, it's always him being the more controlling one. Really likes having you suck him off with his hand fisted in your hair. Favorite position for actual sex would be both of you on your sides, him behind you, and lifting one of your legs up. Not very vocal, but praise over degrading.

-If you thought Ruff n' Tuff were gonna be bad, Dagur outfreaks them more than anyone else. He's literally called Dagur the Deranged?? Hello? Very quick and rough pace. He does a weird mix of degradation and praise. "Good little whore" is his favorite thing to say to you, but there have been meaner things. More into breeding than anyone else you could ever think of. He's like a fucking animal. Gets off on the smell and taste of you in any way. He'll bite you and break skin, then lick up the blood. Fucks several loads into you, and cums a lot anyway. So you're literally leaking by the time he's done. Degrading over Praise.

-Tuffnut would genuinely be a freak and willing to try basically anything and everything. You like something? Great, he'll try it and like it! He loves putting you into a mating press, he's into breeding for some reason. If you're a guy, he likes being the bottom and doggy. Very very vocal. Like, oh my gods he won't shut the fuck up about how good you feel. "Oh, you feel amazing!" Bla bla bla. Yap yap yap. Does not whimper, but moans loud as hell. He gets goofy too. He loves making you laugh and smile, even if he's fucking you or you're fucking him. Praise > degrading 100%

-Ruffnut is just like her brother, if not worse. She's top, and very heavy power bottom. Even if you're male or female. Pull her hair, she likes that. Lick her too, she doesn't care. She's super into public sex and will risk everyone on Berk seeing and/or hearing you two go at it. Really into orgasm denial. Sometimes she likes soft sex alone, mostly if she's in a bad mood. She just wants to hear her partner moan and sigh in her arms in their bed. She'll bury her face in your chest, man or woman. Degrading > praise.

-Snotlout would not be a top, but if he were to be one he'd be softer. He's not into anything super extreme but he gives head like a starved man who's having his first meal in weeks. He likes love-making more than just fucking, but sometimes he just really really wants careless sex. Loves wrapping his arms around you and having you do the same to him, bonus points if you run your nails down his skin. Whimpers more than he moans, but does both. Really obsessed with your chest, man or woman, and likes suckling your nipples until they're swollen. PRAISE NO MATTER WHAAT!!

-Astrid is more vanilla, but she obviously has her likes. She definitely knows what she's doing for men and women. If you're a girl, she loves holding your hips and having you grind your clit against hers while you're on top. For men, she likes riding them decently hard. Genuinely not into anything too bad other than like, marking. She likes being alone in a private place with you. Bed, forest, even a fucking cave. Definitely has a private spot she takes you to on the furthest point of Dragons Edge, and Berk. She doesn't like the risk of being caught despite being brave as Hel. NO DEGRADING WITH THIS WOMAN EVER!! It's all praise.

-Hiccup would definitely be a soft dom who loves seeing you pleased. Power bottom like your life depends on it guys and gals, he loves it. He usually likes missionary and having your foreheads pressed together. Buddy boy doesn't like quickies at all. He doesn't really praise or degrade, but he'll tell he you he loves you wayy too much. Definitely vocal to at least some degree, just not overly loud. Every time, without fail, he'll hold at least one of your hands during sex. He loves being close to you in basically every way possible. Praise 100%

-Fishlegs is the only complete vanilla one among the group in my opinion. He's very soft and caring towards his partner. Does not like quickies, only love-making in your bed. Definitely has you on top all the time. He'll constantly ask if you're okay with what he's doing, check on you during sex, etc. The times you two have long sessions there are water breaks, repositioning breaks, and just ones where he'll make sure you aren't overheating. He's genuinely so sweet, he would never do a singular thing you wouldn't like. He loves having your fingers tug on his hair or run through it. PRAISE ALL THE TIME EVERY TIME! HE LOVES GIVING AND RECEIVING.

[thecoolerliauditore]

I can’t exactly remember the post or tags but you mentioned something about how fandom treats popular au’s and their creators, would you ever go into that topic in further detail? I’m intrigued with your opinions on fandom and your takes but if that’s something you don’t want to get into then I understand. Random anon signing out.

I've vagued about it quite a lot because it's a topic very interesting to me in line with the rest of the fandom meta discourse-y stuff I find very fascinating to observe unfold.

I don't think I'll ever be deep-diving on it and naming all the who's who because I fear sounding like t*rkey t*m 🤢 or someone else adjacent and I doubt many artists/writers would feel completely at ease with me making judgments on how they use their platforms or unintentionally cultivate fandom culture even if it's not coming from a malicious place (<-- trust me when I say this that no fandom person I've namedropped on here is anyone I can say I dislike. Like with what I mentioned about how I'll never post about an SMP I genuinely don't have at least somewhat positive feelings towards, if I don't like someone I'll just not mention their name at all cus doing otherwise is unproductive imo unless it's a serious situation).

I'll be honest I wrote much much more but it all ended up getting wildly away from me. In short though I think the problem mostly lies in the fandom fearing itself. Too many people are too scared to do anything genuine out of fear of not being inoffensive enough, which I think is wild considering what we are doing is inherently already transgressive to anyone outside of the fandom -- please if you have the opportunity, try explaining joelshipping to an irl who doesn't care about mcyt, it's an amazing bonding exercise.

It's difficult because, on some level, if you are marked as a Big Artist you kind of lose the ability to be not inoffensive in this fandom. It's this horrible loop of self-censorship that maintains itself by making sure it goes unchallenged.

And this might be a mean thing to say but. I think a lot of New Fandom exists almost purely out of reaction to the Old Fandom and a lot of it feels.. very cynical? I think when you engage with the series as a narrative, it's more or less unavoidable that some uncomfortable themes pop up when you take the murder game as a serious setting, but as time goes on and more and more of those uncomfortable themes become vegetables hidden in a child's dish rather than stated outright, the narrative as a whole becomes left to the wayside and all that remains is this shell that somewhat mimics having things to say. I just think there's something to be said about how somewhere during SL every popular sentiment suddenly got shot down with "not everything has to be about that!" with no one offering any real alternative. and that's become so prevalent in WL fanon that even enaging with the leftover SHELL of narrative (the celestial body thing) is seen as cringe and everything has to now be layered in irony.

One weird exception I will mention is that Scott/Pearl becoming acknowledge-able as a ship is a weird turn of events and I genuinely did not expect it but their culture is. weird and unique lmao I wrote a thing before that I deleted about Smallidarity and how queerness is central to fanon but also you can only engage with it in this sanctioned for safe consumption kinda way (see: the old discourse about the "yaoi-fication of scarian" and joelshipping) that would've been really good here but whatever man. Majormoon becoming the new toxic FH discourse was not on the bingo card but holy fuck I am intrigued

[tokkiiibunny]

Chick Habit | Megumi Fushiguro

09: Lonely Hearts Club

Warnings: name calling, more threats

Words: 1 k

Mainlist

I feel like if I'm too kind

Then you will only change your mind

Take advantage of my heart

And I'll go back into the dark

Maybe you should be a little suspicious of Megumi, you should already know that kindness is not normal for him but, who cares?

"But I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know?"

You'd been officially dating Yuji for a week and you knew you should feel happy, but that weird feeling stayed in you.

You had been seeing megumi after school for days, after the kiss in your bedroom nothing else had happened with megumi, of course the guilt ate away at you but you felt alone and Megumi was the closest thing you had to a friend, you knew there was something wrong with him but it's not that you wanted to get involved.

"He's sweet and good and handsome and funny but..."

"But?"

"It's complicated."

"Have you slept with him yet?"

You grimaced at his question "Don't be weird."

A small mocking smile appeared on his lips "I'm not, he just hasn't told me anything and usually he tells me everything."

"Maybe it's just that he likes to keep it private."

"or just that nothing has happened."

You rolled your eyes but a soft blush appeared on your cheeks. "Just shut up."

"Why?" Basically because Yuji was a gentleman and you hadn't tried to make any breakthroughs either, you'd already gone far enough to take another step.

"I don't know, it would be weird."

"Don't you want to compare him to Sukuna?"

"Holy God, don't be disgusting, Megumi." You threw a pillow at him  And he chuckled, It was weird as sometimes it could be nice and other times mean as fuck.

"Fine I'm going to shut up." But the smirk did not disappear from his lips

"Do you have plans for Saturday?"

"Why do you ask?"

"Because Yuji invited me to the Halloween party and I don't know."

"Is there anything you know?" He mocked you but not in the rude way he used to.

"Stop bothering, I mean I'm not sure Yuji is too social and I know I'm not going to feel comfortable."

"Hmm, maybe I'll go." And it was enough to make me smile, you knew that Yuji was probably surrounded by People and Nobara wasn't going to go so it would be nice to have someone to talk to.

The afternoon was quiet, you liked it when things were like that, but lately nothing was going well for you and this would not be the day you could finally be at peace.

As the movie you had chosen was halfway through, Megumi spoke again, interrupting the calm.

"you should leave Yuji." And there he went again, you hated it when that happened, it seemed like megumi just couldn't stand too long without trying to start trouble again.

"No."

"Why? You don't even like it, you said it over and over again."

"but..." He interrupted you even though you didn't even know what you were going to say, what lie to invent or excuse to make.

"But you're an attention whore." Sometimes you wanted to punch him in the face, you hated it when he acted like he was absolutely right about you.

"shut up."

"Don't get upset, I just say what I see Yn, don't be offended" It was also annoying as he said things like that completely calm and then you felt stupid for letting him get you out of your mind.

"You're just being mean on purpose again."

"It could be worse and you know it."

"Why You insist so much with this?" Since you had started dating Yuji your fights were about the same thing, it was over and over again the same topic, you were tired.

He was silent for a moment that felt eternal, you were tired of not having answers from Megumi, he was completely changeable, one moment you both are fine and the next it seems that he hates you again.

"Because I know you're not good, you're not enough for Yuji. You slept with his brother, you talk and talk about how you don't like him and you kissed me twice." You hated it, none of that was his problem, well maybe the kisses but you still hated that he will remind you.

"Shut up, I didn't even know him when I was with Sukuna, I'm just confused and YOU kissed me when he wasn't my boyfriend yet." You tried to justify yourself even though you knew it was a weak defense.

"You just try to justify yourself but you know you're wrong, you look terrible."

You rolled your eyes, you were frustrated and angry and the last thing you needed was feedback on your appearance. "Thank you, how kind."

"I'm serious, do you really look bad, tired, sad, what's going on?"

"Nothing." Megumi leaned over to you and put his hand on your cheek, but you slapped it away, "don't come close."

"Because you know you're not going to reject me."

"You don't know what I'm going to do."

"I put you to the test twice and both times you failed."

"Stop talking like you're a mastermind, you kissed me because you wanted to." You hated that he spoke as if he knew you, you hated that he spoke as if he had some control over you, you hated when he gave orders as if he knew you were going to obey him, you hated his threats, you hated his insults, but you didn't hate him... hope that he would change had vanished but you still kept calling him every time you felt alone, every time you wanted a friend.

He clenched his fists and his expression tightened When you called out his actions ."What do you know? You just want to believe that because you don't want to feel like the little slut you are."

"You're a fucking psychopath Megumi." You didn't know he was wrong with him, but you didn't have to be very smart to know he wasn't normal.

"You're a lying whore." Megumi got out of your bed and walked to the door of your bedroom "If you arrive at that party with Yuji on Saturday, I'm going to show you how bad I can be."

"Don't threaten me."

"It's a promise Yn."

He left leaving you alone...

Notes Area:

>This was just a Filler honestly

>Suggestions, feedback, and comments are welcome.

Taglist (open) :

@soobinbunnie5 @anonymity-222 @hanakalovesbnha @starrysho @sylussss7 @Shortcakebbg @Szired @briezy04764

[discordiansamba]

bad reality AU where aang fails to successfully energybend ozai and this somehow leads to him distorting reality and creating a version of it where he already rules the entire world as the phoenix king. the spirits can't let this happen but the avatar is Unavailable at the moment so they just have to turn to their next best (and only) option-

-Zuko.

the last thing Zuko remembers, he was fighting Azula. now he's definitely not in the courtyard of the Fire Nation palace. he has no idea where he is, actually but he's pretty sure the figures surrounding him are all very important and powerful spirits. great. what did he fuck up this time?

turns out this isn't because of his fuck-up (astonishing) but because they need him to enter ozai's new reality and free the avatar from his control. because energybending is apparently a thing, and aang tried it and failed. which is a lot to take in. he asks the spirits why they'd choose him, and the ones with faces just sort of awkwardly look at each other until one of them admits well. your father sort of... erased you from his reality?

zuko: ...yeah. that tracks.

it's great for the spirits because it means there's a gap in the new reality they can just slip zuko right in. in order to set things right, he'll need to find his friends- ozai has surely scattered them all, and they likely won't remember anything, but we have preserved shards of their consciousness. if you can get them to trust you, you can return them and they can aid you in your quest.

they have also hidden a piece of aang's consciousness among the shards. if they are able to reunite, they should be able to save the avatar's spirit as well, but they must all be together for it to work. but be warned- if a year should pass, then the new reality will become permanent and he will gradually cease to exist.

also. we are very sorry. we can only return you to where you were in the previous reality.

zuko: wh-

(zuko spawns in the fire nation courtyard, in the middle of a ceremony lead by Fire Lord Azula, attended by her father, Phoenix King Ozai)

zuko: oh.

[lokh]

also i think if roleswap laios and canon laios met theyd immediately start fighting.

[necrotic-nephilim]

what's fun about shipping Tim with Dick, Jason, or Damian is he has, at some point, hallucinated all of them to comfort himself. even when he doesn't like them or particularly get along with them, he has to imagine/hallucinate them just so he has the power to go on. Tim's concepts of the Robin mantle and what it should be is so fun, because he respects the others through the Robin mantle. Tim worships Dick because he was the first Robin. he wouldn't be Robin if Jason hadn't died in the mantle. and a lot of his frustration with Damian is he feels Damian isn't honoring the mantle correctly. when you ship Tim with the other Robins you can't divorce their identities as Robin from it because Tim will always see them as a Robin first and that's so fun and fucked up. like.

batman (1940) #456

Tim perceiving Dick as *Robin* cheering him on, not Nightwing, which is the version of Dick that Tim actually knows? that's just. wild of him. he will always view Dick as Robin first, his personal hero but also the original of the legacy. his love for Dick is shaped by that.

and then of course, even when he's hallucinating/imagining Jason cheering him on, it's *still* through the lense of being reminded how Jason failed? subconsciously believing that Jason got himself killed because of his actions, and that being a lesson for Tim to learn from? Jason isn't a person to Tim, he's a moral lesson about how to be Robin. any potential idolization he could have of Jason isn't because he loves Jason, it's because of the lessons Jason's death taught him.

and then, even though him hallucinating TIm is from the New-52, which makes characterization all kinds of questionable, i do think it makes sense for TIm to hallucinate/imagine Damian after Damian's death in an attempt to cope with it.

teen titans (2011) #18

to an extend, he sees Damian's death as in part his own fault. and even hating Damian, Tim needs the comfort from this to cope with Damian being gone. he's angry that Damian even was Robin, and has to learn something from Damian's death and how it impacts the Robin mantle, and teenage heroes as a whole. like, Tim can pretend he hates Damian all he wants, even getting taunted by the image of Damian, but there's still an underlying love to their relationship.

i think that's just the fun of shipping Tim with any of them. you will never divorce Tim's views of them from the Robin mantle and how fucking Unwell he is about anyone else who's been Robin before or after him, to the point he has to hallucinate them comforting him when he's at his lowest. it's always going to be a little unhealthy, a little toxic, and driven by Tim's relationship with being Robin as well. i need more Tim being weird about Robin in these ships.

[lovelyrotter]

ill probably delete this in a minute but ive just been fuckin boggled by what ive seen across tumblr in the last few days in particular. its why i havent really been around. like holy fucking shit, its really like some of yall just dont want a chunk of the trans community to exist. like some of yall are thisclose to saying it verbatum. way too many already have. 'shut up sit down be quiet and smile for us' type shit, gee where have i heard that before. oh yeah my entire life cause i was forcefully gendered as someones daughter. shock horror i know. you might be surprised to remember and/or learn that very few trans folks know theyre trans before we're 5, or even 10, and that that gendered experience stays with all of us in both/either small or large ways. either bc we literally dont have a solid identity yet (bc we're very small children), dont have the words, we're repressing it out of fear from how others will treat us, we're actually enjoying or enjoyed being another gender in our childhood, or we just genuinely didnt fuckin know until shit lined up later in life. weird isnt it that transmascs dont pop out as 6'1 brick shithouse cis men when we're born so yall know for certain that we're confused lost girls/women oops i mean big dangerous scary men. its almost like we're transgender too. none of yall actually know what intersectionality is or means

[dykedvonte]

I hate the stretch lines in the front of Curly's uniform because that means the devs rushed to make a model in like a month or so and thought "They gotta at least know he has huge knockers, gotta know he's got back pain." Cause like what is the thematic importance of his tits having overhang?

What responsibility is that representing? Breast reduction? It shows an inherent greed in his character due to the excess and heshouldletmeholdone and that he clearly is blinded cause if he tries to look down his damn ladder all he's seeing is his own cleavage.

[stoportotouch]

NOT ONLY did the branch of the church that irving was born into not allow hymns until after he was born. they did not in fact allow hymns until AFTER HE DIED.

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

The ethel cain irony epidemic rant is so real SO REAL i could sound off on that subject i could write a novel length essay it's neat how she said she wants to make a video on it cus for the past few weeks i was thinking of making a video on it TOO i just never committed to the idea since my feelings on it align w the subject matter which is: Who even cares , thats the whole issue, everything is supposedly "Not That Serious" theze days So why say anything. I hope she does make a vid on it though. nihilism & cynicism thinly veiled as irony is ultimately what pushed me offline (as in, not scrolling) since august and as glad as i am to be free of it all it's also still existing whether i engage or not & it is not exactly an encouraging landscape for sharing everything i've been working on for months so hard with all my most earnest efforts . . .

[daylighteclipsed]

Remember how ReCoded just casually drops the fact that this is a “true memory” from the heart of Destiny Islands even though we literally see Riku get swallowed up by darkness in KH1, we watch it happen with Sora before the islands get totally wrecked like this, so how could Riku also leave through this portal afterwards

[moe-broey]

Every day I wake up, I'm full of inspiration and ambition, I lollygag a bit, I kinda skirt around it, I actively avoid The Thing I WANT to do. Then I just kinda give up and do something else.

[theokusgallery]

I hate that I have reoccurring themes in everything I make. YES this guy has a complex over the fact that everyone prefers his sibling AGAIN. YES he was ostracized by his peers since he was in primary school and never knew why until years later. URGH