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*clasps your shoulders gently and looks you straight in the eye*
Keferon. Please read Ninth by Kyn on AO3. I think you would love it very much. It has a large chapter count, but don't be intimidated, it's very easy to get into. It is currently unfinished, but is being updated regularly.
You are the seventh person that recommended this fic to me so ahahahaha yeah
I’m doing great Help I hate some parts of it but I love the other parts I’m spinning in the blender
…..I made the moodboard….
#chapter 37#of 120 or something#I must be like 90k words in haha#large word count is not an intimidation. It’s an invitation haha#I love the fics that I can’t read in just one hour:)#I gotta say I don’t enjoy the concept of making robots into organic life#it’s just my preference#seeing them as humans or animals or whatever feels so fucking wrong#the concept itself drives me off#like. Strongly#But at the same time. This fic isn’t about them being ‘haha cute organics’#it’s ‘oh god. I was turned into something I’m not’#instead of teeheee they’re fluffy#it’s please free me from this fucking nightmare. please let me be myself again.#idk how to explain. I resonate I guess#it often feels very disturbing but the characters are also disturbed#So now I’m kind of stuck reading this fic because I just can’t stop lol#just politely skipping the parts that make me too uncomfortable#also#the body horror is….damn. Impressive. I didn’t expect to read about grotesque fleshy creature turning itself inside out#it’s not even aesthetic or symbolic#it literally looks like a fucking nightmare. Which is impressive also.#the flesh is g r o s s#the beginning got me struggling and skipping#but the intermission is currently ruining my sleep schedule#oh fuck….I usually send my posts to the authors of the fics I read…..but I feel like I might offend the author of Ninth if do this……..#there’s a tiny chance they’re following me….if it’s true then I wanna tell I’m sorry pls don’t take this seriously#your fic got me waay out of my comfort zone#huge points for writing Ratchet. Drift in this fic is…the grossest fucking thing I could probably imagine but Ratchet doesn’t even hesitate#he helps him and he cares for him. Which is…..imma be real my first instinct would be to set Drift on fire to end his misery
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Family for day 6 of SpeSilverWeek! Edition uuh found biological and crime I guess...
#this was the first one I completed tbh and I'm not vibing but it was rly good warmup and tbh working lineless is so much easier...#I get lazier and messier concerning anatomy esp and stuff but I have fun...#spesilverweek#pokespe silver#pokespe blue#pokespe#my art#the thing about this is. I have so many thoughts about this one very specific rocket au where they aren't dex holders but find Giovanni#instead but he still goes missing and they still kind of hate team rocket bc the whole mask of ice thing still happened so they try to fuck#shit up from within now that giovanni is gone even though they also rly just kinda want him to return and deal with stuff himself#and the admins have these rly fun roles of all being in disagreement on what to do#like the boss might be dead his kids should take over or we Must find the boss or lol no boss my team rocket now#and then the dex holders get mixed in too and it's Fun bc everyone is fighting everyone#also sorry Giovanni for making you look like that#it's like 5min til day 6 technically but my laptop is being a butt so in case it won't turn on tomorrow here it is now#I will not wait 5min for midnight I got a new pillow for christmas and I wanna SLeep on it noW! hell yeah !!#pokemon
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Trying to kick my art block by doing the opposite of an easy drawing
#click to enlarge ofc#guess the century! lol.#i try to give them a big mix of styles from different cultures and decades because i feel like they would pick clothes/armour up and#hang on to them for as long as they can. it's also definitely not accurate but i do my best#this was going to be a tiny comic too. i should sleep instead lmao#siggy draws#all the clothes and the weapons.... why do i do this to myself#.......but it's fun and i love it#fighting the self-hate demon by posting this#things i'm going to fix: nicolo's quiver which is not in fact filled with crossbow bolts oops#also the length of those arrows...#yusuf's shoe that's falling off#and many more things
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About the recent chapter drop...
So chapters 374, 375, and 376 of the Black Clover manga dropped as of the day I've started drafting this post. I have many feelings about this chapter, as several friends can attest. I was going a little a lot feral in a group chat.
Wanna quickly tag @thoughtfullyrainynightmare, @lyranova, and @kalolasfantasyworld for encouraging me to write this little essay. I'll also tag @drmarune as a fellow Faust fan (I know you also love the Yami family so hopefully my thoughts on them are satisfactory).
So let me begin with saying that I'm mainly a Faust girlie. But I will be covering both the Yami and the Fausts to the best of my abilities because the family stories are connected. I cannot give thorough commentary on the chapters if I ignore what's going on with Yami and Ichika.
Okay so! Where to start with my analysis?
I guess the most obvious place to start is with Chapter 374. Title: Demon-God. The "Demon-God" in question is supposed to be Yami. Yami's Dark Magic is seen as ominous and being the attribute of a supreme devil enhances its demonic connotation. Grey, while healing Yami's wounds in chapter 323, noted that Yami's body had become devil-like. Yami is infamously known as the "God of Destruction" in Clover Kingdom. And finally, in chapter 342, Ichika and Yami's father stated that the Yami clan reserves a title for the strongest member of them. The title: Demon-God. (In other words, this chapter could've been titled "Yami Sukehiro" and it wouldn't have changed anything./lh
Looking between when Yami takes the demon soul pill and the fuzzy glimpses of when Ichika took the pill, I'm wondering if the main reason Yami was able to stay sane while under the drug's effects has to do with his current condition. What I mean is... Ichika was just... kinda there. There's not much detail but there didn't seem to be much going on and Ichika and Yami's father just gave Ichika the drug on a whim. There was no outlet for the surge in Ichika's physical prowess. Meanwhile, Yami takes the drug while severely injured but also in the mindset that he has to get up and help fight off Lucius's army. His physical abilities are getting kicked into high gear and he has something to target with those powers. Maybe my reading is weird or wrong. But could it be that the reason no member of the Yami clan was able to stay in control when they took the drug is because they weren't taking it in the right condition. Like, being on death's door probably isn't a prerequisite but maybe no one took the drug with firm grasp on what to do with the excess power. I dunno.
Rewinding a bit... That reunion! FUCKING IMPECCABLE! I love the way Yami at first sees Ichika as a little kid. The way he remembered her last he saw took precedence over reality for a moment (AND HE'S NOT THE ONLY VICTIM OF IT!). I love Ichika's apology; the way she details the truths she learned recently (probably not just from her memories being triggered but I'd assume she had Ryuu clarify everything to her so she could really be thankful to Yami for making sure she'd be alright) then topping it off with the "I'm sorry." As a little sister who has misinterpreted things done by my older siblings, I really felt for Ichika. I can tell that Ichika is in pain, realizing how she wronged Yami by viewing him as a destroyer, but there's also so clearly a relief in knowing that the whole time, he had her best interests at heart. (Okay, my sisters never murdered our whole family clan, but you get the idea.) And Yami doesn't linger on it. He accepts her apology and even points out how he had help making sure Ichika was okay.
The flashback of Yami and Ryuuya parting ways... Ryuu always believed in Yami. Also, I love the panel of Yami with the torii gate and the rising sun behind him. The juxtaposition of the torii gate and rising sun - very Japanese and thus Hino symbols - with Yami being just about to leave Hino is like... Symbols of his homeland seeing him off essentially. MAN! I FELT SOMETHING THERE! Anyways, I know that Yami and Ryuu are looking forward to meeting up again now that they know it's possible.
Now back to when Yami has taken the demon soul pill. Yami is taking on his final form as the Demon-God of Destruction. I love the way Yami's form looks.
The splatter of blood from his wounds is replaced by Dark Magic spreading over his body. The facial markings draw one's attention to Yami's eyes and it makes me think of how on oni masks in noh theater(? I think I have that right), the upper brow and the cheeks are scrunched closer to the eye area to frame the eyes. I'm talking out of my ass here, sorry. His thoughts in the moment too are so juicy! Before, his protection of Ichika meant abandoning her. No more of that though; they're together again and Yami will keep it that way.
I love how his panel shows that Yami has incarnated into a true God of Destruction. But he's not destroying aimlessly. He's in control and he's directing his path of chaos towards Lucius's madness and will tear it apart to save everyone.
Yami and Ichika don't get to have a long heart-to-heart due to the present circumstances but Tabata gave them just long enough to breathe and reconcile. To me, it also keeps in line with the way the Yami family works. Yami Sukehiro is quick to act and react. He bears some heavy burdens in his life but he is not a man who wallows in pity or sorrow. His response to adversity is to take it in stride as best he can and make his way towards the future. He accepts Ichika's apology and the pill to awaken what has always been a part of him: the will to protect. Ichika is shaken from seeing her brother so helpless and pouring her heart out in what little time she had. And Yami did shield her at the end of chapter 374, but in the next chapters, she's locked into a fighting mindset. She says herself that she won't stand by any more; she intends to shoulder the responsibility of this battle and fight alongside her brother as an equal. The Yamis are resilient people who can take so much, and the burdens are made easier now that they can carry them together.
Speaking of together, the combo spell that Yami and Ichika have is called "Black Heavens." It's got layers! The Yami clan are connected to demons and devils through their Dark Magic and thus stand opposite of the heavens thematically speaking. The combo spell also builds off of Ichika's Black Star spell and Yami's Black Hole spell. The way the Dark Magic is the antithesis of a religious heaven, darkness is what makes up most of the spatial heavens is awesome. Also the fact that black holes form when stars die and collapse... Yami is the older (and thus closer to dying) sibling... I just needed to put those thoughts out there while still firmly on the topic of the Yami siblings.
Now onto the next chapters...
Chapters 375 and 376 have to be talked together because just like Nacht and Morgen as twins, and just like the Faust-Yami dramas, the two are connected! 375 is titled Strafe and 376 is Sühne. The English releases of the chapters clarify that the words mean "punishment" and "atonement" respectively (if there is any specific connotations to those words, they're lost on me and I would happily accept any clarifications). (Also note that the words are German; Faust and Germany just go hand-in-hand). I've already made a post about Nacht and how his character centers on the themes of punishment and atonement. To quickly summarize, Nacht's character is about continually punishing himself as his atonement for killing Morgen. (I do also point out how he avoids forgiveness as a way to resolve his guilt, but there isn't a chapter titled "Forgiveness" here, now is there?) So these chapters seem to be Tabata's finale for Nacht (and Morgen). (I do hope that a page of the next chapter does see Nacht and Morgen sharing some final words, because if Acier got to give her kids some kind of goodbye, then Morgen should get a chance to say something to Nacht as well. Please Tabata.)
Moving on from just the chapter titles! What actually happens in the two chapters?
Chapter 375 starts with Nacht getting a good look at Morgen and, like the fandom did chapters ago, clocking the devil that Morgen is in possession of: Lucifugus. The wretched memory of the day Nacht tried to summon Lucifugus is burned into his memory; of course he'd recognize the bastard.
Regarding Nacht's thought that Lucifugus is controlling Morgen's body... We know from Sister Lily's words/behaviors (a bit of Acier too at the very end for her) that the human beings who have been turned into Paladins are still conscious/aware/present as themselves. It's just that Lucius's brainwashing is forcing them to believe a certain way, spout that nonsense about "saving the world," and take the actions they are taking. Put simply: a fragment of their true selves exists within the false persona of the Paladin that Lucius forced on them. However, I'm certain that Nacht knows it is in fact Morgen in control but he's trying to tell himself otherwise.
I mean, looking back at chapter 374, Nacht's immediate reaction to seeing Paladin Morgen is to mentally call him Morgen! It's then here in chapter 375 where Nacht is saying that Morgen isn't in control.
Nacht is distressed. He's face-to-face with Morgen, whom he killed, and using the very same power that Nacht had tried to gain and caused Morgen's demise. It's double the shame and guilt on Nacht's conscious. And so he tells himself that it's Lucifugus, not really Morgen, in control. It's an act of desperation. Nacht is trying to convince himself that it's not Morgen's he's facing as a way to relieve himself of some of the stress/anguish that would come from this battle and defeating his opponent. Because if it's not really Morgen, then Nacht wouldn't have to feel any more guilt/grief about it, would he?
I think it's entirely in-character of Nacht. He's attempting to distance himself from the reality before him, similar to how he distanced his past failings from his own person by projecting his criticisms onto the Black Bulls. It never erased his feelings of self-loathing, but it was what Nacht did so he wouldn't just sit and wallow in misery. He pushed his self-hatred onto others and became the cold, critical vice captain of the Black Bulls to fulfill his mission of spying on Spade Kingdom. And now, instead of projection, he's straight up denying things. In this battle against Paladin Morgen, Nacht is trying to ignore the painful reality in order to spare his feelings and see the fight through.
But Nacht couldn't deny the truth for long.
Lucifugus wouldn't be saying these things to him. Who knows what Lucifugus would say to Nacht, if anything at all. Either way, it's Morgen speaking to Nacht. And it shakes Nacht to his core. Not the mention that what Morgen says would also drive the knife deeper into Nacht's heart. The brothers may not have been close while Morgen was alive, but Morgen still understands Nacht enough to call out his feelings of despair.
The way I'm reading it, Nacht falters in battle because he can no longer lie to himself. He's fighting Morgen. A twisted up version of his beloved younger brother, but it's Morgen nonetheless. In submitting to that reality, his feelings (guilt, sorrow, remorse) overwhelm Nacht and it gives Morgen the chance to gain the upper hand in their fight.
And like with Yami seeing Ichika as her younger self for a moment, Nacht's view of Morgen is from ten years back (you can tell by the fluffy robe having having grey shading while Morgen's Paladin robe is pure white and the details on the collar area). At least for one page, we know that Nacht sees Morgen not as the enemy Paladin, but as the kind and noble Magic Knight he used to be. (The present and Nacht's memories of Morgen overlapping and distracting him earlier on too is something I personally believe in just to make it all the more painful. But that's more headcanon and not analysis.)
Nacht laments how he thought he'd already cried all his tears before. But that can't be the case. Nacht's love for Morgen is an active and present feeling for Nacht. So long as Nacht loves Morgen is something alive in his heart, he will find himself crying over and over again for the loss of Morgen's life. That's the way it seems to be turning out for Nacht. Unless he completely closed his heart off to his affection for Morgen, his tears will never truly dry up. It's small, quick line in the chapter but it speaks so deeply to Nacht's feelings. In contrast to Yami who can take things in stride and move on, Nacht is someone who holds onto his suffering and lets it haunt him to the depths of his soul. Nacht and his thoughts focus on things that are gone and cannot be changed. While he does live in the present and makes things better for the future, Nacht has trapped himself with thoughts of a past that can't be undone. It's part of the tragedy that is Nacht's character.
(Real quick, we're going to put a pin in Morgen saying "Brother, let's start over again. Together!" Right before he attempts to blast the ever loving crap out of Nacht. Mixed messages much?)
I wanna bring back the title of chapter 375: Strafe (Punishment). Back in chapters 285 and 287 (coincidentally before and after Nacht's backstory in chapter 286), Nacht thinks to himself "I don't care if I die." Nacht nearly sacrificed himself three times during the battle. Devaluing his life over and over was Nacht's way of punishing himself for his past. And now Nacht is repeating that behavior as he tells himself that he'll defeat the Lucius clone and Morgen even if it kills him. Nacht showed himself some mercy when he stated his intent to live with the Bulls properly. However, he didnt actually stop seeing himself as an expendable sacrifice; in his eyes, his death is worth more than any life he could life. Which hurts to see as a Nacht fan! This time, though, Nacht isn't endangering himself as punishment but he still receives it. Morgen, the very person Nacht wronged so many years ago, is the one delivering the punishment. Physically and emotionally, Nacht's being destroyed. And, in my eyes, it could be that Nacht is okay with it. He didn't stop hating himself, he just stopped acting on that self-destructive feeling. He's accepting Morgen's attacks because Nacht's pain in the present can't be as bad as the pain Morgen felt as he died.
Thankfully, Yami comes in for the save. And when he gives Nacht another talking to, Yami says this:
Yami knows that Nacht didn't let go of the past. That he's been quietly keeping the pain in his heart. The way Yami validates the idea that Morgen's death is a sin on Nacht's part is fascinating. Looking at the big picture, it was more an unfortunate accident; Nacht did incite it by summoning Lucifugus but Morgen chose to destroy the relic with his own hands. Neither Nacht nor Morgen are to blame, they just took actions in line with who they are and it resulted in Morgen's sacrifice. Whether or not Yami wholeheartedly agrees with Nacht's view is a discussion for another time but here, in the moment, Yami leans into it. Yami speaks to Nacht based on those beliefs. From there, he drill it into Nacht's head that if he's going to hold onto what happened as his sin, then he has to use it as a way to push himself into the right course of action rather than let it stop him dead in his tracks. In chapter 376, Ichika also chimes in to get Nacht on his feet again. Her remark isn't only directed at herself; it resonates with Nacht too. Neither of them can leave Yami to deal with Morgen on his own. They don't have the luxury to stand idle and both of them are people that are above being victims of their pasts. Yami was there to protect them so they have to do the same.
Yami and Ichika's words together deliver a powerful message. “If you are going to carry a sin on your conscious, do something with it.” For Nacht (and anyone really), it's a mistake to acknowledge his faults and leave it at that. It doesn't do any good. To give meaning to his sin and the feelings that come with it, Nacht has to act upon them. He has to do what needs to be done to make up for the sin. That means killing Morgen again, not as a tragic accident but as an act of care and the means to free his spirit. It doesn't erase a thing but it makes things as right as they can be.
Quick break from Nacht and his feelings regarding Morgen to have a talk about Yami and his Morgen related feelings!
Yami has a moment to share words with Morgen. He makes it clear that his ire is directed at Lucius. In Yami's mind, there's no real blame on Morgen for his actions as a Paladin. He understands that Morgen wouldn't want so much death and destruction in the name of a new world. It's all Lucius's manipulations. And this view of Morgen again shows the contrast between Yami and Nacht. Nacht is stuck in the past and is seeing Morgen as his dear brother who he couldn't do anything for. Meanwhile, Yami's thoughts are in the present and he's seeing Morgen not as his friend but as an unfortunate puppet being controlled. Yami does acknowledge Morgen as the enemy but he's drawing a fine line between Paladin Morgen and the Morgen he knew.
Also, Yami's desire to see the memory of Morgen be untainted by his deeds as a Paladin is an interesting contrast to his usual feelings towards being looked down on. He's shrugs off most insults towards him (though he can admit when his feelings do get hurt) and is fine with the Black Bulls being considered the worst squad. But Morgen is different. Yami doesn't want to see Morgen become someone tainted by acts of cruelty, even if they aren't entirely his own choice. It says so much about Yami for him to want to preserve the integrity of Morgen's memory. He treasures his friendship with Morgen so deeply because Morgen was one of the first people to accept Yami and believe he could be a squad captain. Yami won't let anyone have any reason to think unfavorably of Morgen. He who saw the good in all should be seen as good by all. That is Yami's belief. I love it so much.
Back to focusing on Nacht!
We return to Nacht at the start of chapter 376: Sühne (Atonement). This chapter really is all about Nacht's final act of atonement for the sin he'd been punishing himself over for years.
Now before he re-enters the battle, Nacht has a moment of contemplation. The dream he describes is brief but it carries so much meaning. Nacht looks back and wishes he'd joined the Grey Deers as Morgen had always suggested he do. He really had always desired a closeness with Morgen but his fear of doing harm to his brother instead outweighed his love. His regret over not taking Morgen's hand sooner is evident and it again drives home the idea that Nacht's thoughts always return to the past to haunt him. And the line about Nacht and Yami fighting over Morgen's attention shatters my heart further because-!
Morgen probably would've chosen Nacht over Yami if he had the option. As much as Morgen and Yami made a good team, Morgen wanted to share that understanding and synergy with Nacht.
(Also, we are creating another pin for this moment.)
Both of the Fausts were jealous of the bond that Yami had their brother! Morgen and Nacht are more alike than either of the realize and it's yet another tragedy in their lives that they will never know that about each other! I JUST! AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUGH! I can't be calm about this, guys! Morgen and Nacht keep reaching into my soul and drawing out more of my love and tears with how their dynamic continues to grow more heartbreaking!
(Deep breaths, Soda! Take deep, slow breaths now...)
Nacht thinks about how Morgen would've smiled at his and Yami's antics. Morgen is always smiling in Nacht's memories (except when he infiltrated the Fausts' devil ritual basement and tried to dissuade Nacht from summoning Lucifugus, but that was a special circumstance). Morgen's smile being so ever-present in Nacht (and Yami's) recollections of him goes to show that he was a beacon of positivity to both of them. Morgen was light, warmth, happiness.
But Nacht always wakes from that dream and he cries each time, mourning the loss of something that never was but could've been. But he refused to have any of that, having pushed Morgen away each time he asked Nacht to join him. Instead Nacht chose the path of devils and Forbidden Magic. He widened the chasm between himself and Morgen. His actions have led him to a world where he caused his brother's death and now will have to see him die again. In short, the first page of chapter 376 is about the ache caused by what Nacht wants in his dreams and what he has to face in reality.
We cut to Yami fighting Morgen for a bit which includes Morgen refuting Yami's statement that Lucius is a bastard. And we also see Morgen saying
(Adding another pin for that. We'll come back, promise. It's just that I want to divulge the very depths of my Morgen thoughts closer to the end [closer to Morgen's end really].)
I've already discussed how Ichika's words with Nacht help him with his mental/emotional breakthrough so I'll skip over that portion of chapter 376.
As I said at the start, the Faust and Yami family stories are connected. They parallel each other. The families are connected to demons or devils (demon soul pills for Yamis and devil binding ritual for Fausts). The elder sibling was seen as an ideal heir (Yami's strength was lauded by his father and Nacht's father said that Nacht "inherited the magic and the spirit" for dealing with devils). Despite not being what their parents wanted, the younger siblings do find an honorable place for themselves in society: Ichika becomes a Ryuzen Seven and Morgen was a Magic Knight. Both families experience a tragedy and the ideal heir from either family withdraws from their younger sibling, but those events happen in different orders between the two. The Yami clan was slaughtered and then Yami left Hino while taking the blame for the incident. In the Faust family, Nacht emotionally pulling away from Morgen and going down the path of devils is what led to the confrontation in the ritual room and everyone's deaths. Nacht and Yami carry the burden of those incidents. Nacht blames and punishes himself for his crime against Morgen. Yami takes the blame for a crime he didn't commit for Ichika's sake.
The families also contrast each other. Before the Yami clan was destroyed, Yami and Ichika were rather close (Yami urged Ichika to follow him when he left the house in that one flashback). But, as said earlier, Nacht and Morgen had grown apart before Morgen's death. Yami and Ichika look remarkably different but their magics are the same. Nacht and Morgen are identical twins but their magic attributes are different (but complementary). Yami protected Ichika in the past and now has a chance to fight alongside her. Nacht hurt Morgen in the past and has to fight against him in the present. The Yami family's resolution brings them closer together and heals them. The Faust family's resolution involves once against being separated and an unending pain for Nacht.
Talk about a well-constructed narrative and characters right there.
Now that I've noted the families' connections, it's time to return my focus to solely the Fausts.
Nacht's words to himself before he re-enters the fray. Again, his thoughts turn to his own death. But here he admits that dying would be the easy way out for him. He looked down on his own life, sought his death, because dying would be an escape from having to carry the guilt for the rest of his life. Then Nacht comes a realization: "Tears don't mark the end of sin." He realizes now that leaving his emotions to stew won't resolve the sin. What Nacht needs to do is to fully atone for what he did and that will give closure for what he's held onto for so long.
Nacht's four devil Unite form isn't as complex as his other forms but it doesn't bother me. It's probably for the better that Tabata didn't try to design something that incorporated elements from all four forms. Equus gets the most representation in the four-way Devil Unite with shields and the minimal armor around his shoulders. Otherwise, Nacht is simply cloaked in shadows and the combined might of his devils (and anti-magic, can't forget the anti-magic). I love the clear view of all the facial markings brought on by the devil unions (especially since the face covering that came with Equus form made it hard to tell where the markings were!). He's lowkey matching Yami and his facial markings. AND THE CROWN OF HORNS! MY GOODNESS! My friends know how much I get worked up over Nacht and his horns. I'm positively feral that Tabata has given me canonical eight-horned Nacht! KJADHGIUAEHTHAEIHT! (Coherent thoughts, Soda!) Also, I can also tell that the combined power has made the horns manifest larger than they usually would on Nacht. Him using all four devils at once is him fully embracing his dark past. Maybe he formed his contracts with Gimodelo and the others in the wrong mindset, but things have changed. He's using an "evil" power that killed Morgen for good, to save Morgen (through death but saving regardless).
Morgen, upon seeing Nacht unleash his full potential says something he said during Nacht's flashbacks of him: that Nacht has the greatest talent for magic. He even says "I knew it" and looks eager/fascinated by what he's seeing. Morgen really does have so much faith in his older brother. It'd be sweeter if the two of them weren't on a collision course for combat.
And what a feast for the eyes the battle is. It turns into chaos, but a beautiful
The combo spell from Nacht empowered Shadow Magic and the Yamis' Dark Magic is Walpurgis Night. It's of course tied to Nacht more than the Yamis, as that event is celebrated the night and day of Nacht and Morgen's birth dates. There is so much more to Nacht and Morgen's connection to that holiday since it's about warding evil spirits and protection of witchcraft. Like, Morgen first protected Nacht from Lucifugus and now Nacht has to protect the world from the evil Morgen is enacting on behalf of Lucius. That's all I can say about that though since that's basically all I know about Walpurgis Night. (Maybe in the future I can read through all of Wikipedia's cited sources and more to actually know the whole deal.)
Morgen puts up quite the fight against three opponents, two of whom have their physical and magical abilities at their peak at the moment. He doesn't know it but these are his final moments.
So let me talk about what I've observed and come to believe about Morgen.
Morgen Faust. A man who was good incarnate. The very picture of a good man. Who loved everyone and was loved by everyone. It was in his nature to help, save, and protect others. But his perfect image hid someone who probably felt very lonely.
Let's bring back those pins we gathered earlier. The first two pins (the starting over and Morgen admitting Yami was a better partner for Nacht) are very easily connected. Morgen's dream had been to be close with Nacht, to stand side-by-side with him. But they weren't close. Then Morgen saw Yami, a stranger from a foreign land, connect to Nacht with incredible ease. It probably hurt Morgen to see that, to see that Nacht found someone else to share his joys with. Morgen didn't hate Yami for being more compatible with Nacht and even befriended Yami himself. Morgen, at least in my personal headcanons, might've seen getting close to Yami as a way of better understanding Nacht. But even though Morgen could get along with someone who was Nacht's friend, he still couldn't directly close the gap between him and his brother. Again and again, Morgen suggested Nacht join the Magic Knights but was always brushed aside. And so Morgen was left feeling frustrated and probably a little lonely too because he couldn't have the one bond he wished for.
In reading the recent chapters and looking back on old chapters regarding him, I wonder if Morgen reached out to and accepted others so easily because of his missing connection with Nacht. As in, being pushed away by Nacht made Morgen want to ensure that no one else felt rejected or left alone. It's not compensating for something he lacked, but rather a reaction of "I was hurt in the one way so I will protect others from that same hurt." I believe Morgen genuinely cared for the people he knew in some capacity though not in the same way he valued Nacht. To apply some specific terminology, Morgen holds storgic love ("Because we have the specific bond of family, I love you") for Nacht and agapic love ("Because you are a human being, I love you") for everyone else. So Morgen loved everyone. And everyone loved him back. Though I doubt the adoration of strangers did anything to soothe the ache Morgen felt over Nacht's absence in his life. Either we've experienced it ourselves or seen it represented in media: Person A has an event and want Person B there to support them; the event comes around and A discovers B isn't there so even if they win or get praise from others, not having B there makes it hard to celebrate. That's what it probably was like for Morgen not having Nacht with him.
In the end, Morgen was unable to close the rift between himself and Nacht. And it was his dying regret. Revived a Paladin, Morgen voices his desire to start over with Nacht, to make right the mistake of not being close to him when he was originally alive.
The lack of a specific bond wasn't the only thing making Morgen lonely. I think Morgen also isolated himself in a way. He put himself under pressure to be strong by himself.
Let's bring back pin three, where Morgen says he'll clear the way for a new world. Looking at that alone, he's kinda just saying that he's following Lucius's orders to fight the Magic Knights for Lucius's victory. But then put this proclamation with what Morgen said back in chapter 368:
And also what he thinks to himself in chapter 376:
He talks about fighting and being the strongest on his own.
I also want to point to how he confronted his family about their work with devils. He came to the underground ritual chamber alone, and not even while wearing his uniform as a Grey Deer on top of that. Forbidden Magic was being practiced and Morgen could've (probably should've) brought along his squad to arrest his family and their followers. But he didn't. He faced his family's sins not as a Magic Knight but merely as Morgen Faust. In Morgen's eyes, it was his family's business and thus his personal responsibility as part of it to stop them.
So we have repeated instances of Morgen voicing thoughts and acting in ways where he sets himself up to be on his own. I can think of several factors for why Morgen might have this mindset. He was the black sheep of his family and overlooked by his parents so he didn't have their support. Nacht kept his distance too. His Light Magic also meant he was looked up to, believed to be strong like the first Wizard King, just for having the attribute he had. All of these together would feed into the belief that Morgen is separate from other, for better or worse. With that belief instilled, Morgen could then tell himself that he has to rely on his own strength, that others can rely on his power alone.
Yes, Morgen seeks partnership from Nacht and works alongside Yami but ultimately tells himself he has to do things by himself. And it's possible that Morgen wanted to be closer to Nacht because he thought that only his brother, his flesh and blood, could be depended on to lessen Morgen's burdens.
Morgen becomes a lot more tragic with all this in mind. He wasn't just a pure soul who died young. He wasn't just a good man lost to sacrifice. He was a lonely person who struggled between his desire for a bond with his brother and his belief that he had to stand alone. Worse yet, he keeps on ending up alone. Other members of the former Grey Deer like Yami and William get their own squads and become more associated with those groups. Morgen by himself as a legacy member of the Grey Deer. Ten years ago and in the present day, Morgen has no one with him in death while Nacht and Yami get to continue living and working as partners.
Like the words that chapter 376 has near it's end says, "The brighter the light, the deeper the shadow it casts." All of Morgen's good, the inspiration he brought and the hope he symbolizes for others, is so bright. But it makes the shadow of sorrow that might exist within Morgen all the more saddening to me.
This is just my own reading of Morgen so take what I've said with a grain of salt but... At least for me, Morgen has gained a whole new depth to his character thanks to these new chapters and how it made things from before clicking into place for me. I don't always like Tabata's handling of the story, but I do love what he's given me for me to draw the conclusions I have.
Well that's Morgen's finale. And now for my last statement on Nacht's part of the chapters.
Quick observation: to me, part of Nacht's horn set up from his four-way Unite, resembles Morgen's own. From Slotos and Plumede, Nacht gets horns that point outward and curse in a way that matches Lucifugus's horns.
You can best compare it here and even with Nacht partially obscured... I can see the similarity.
Moving on, or rather moving back to the line, "the brighter the light, the deeper the shadow it casts." It brings to mind that one quote "for the greater the love the greater the grief" by C.S. Lewis. It captures part of the core to Nacht's character. His love for Morgen was so deep that the grief of losing him transformed him as a person. Morgen's light of hope was so bright and it makes Nacht's shadow of despair dark.
But the true essence of who Nacht is comes from the last words in the chapter, his last words to Morgen.
"Goodbye, Morgen. I will shoulder this pain forever."
Nacht regretted his sin, punished himself for it, and atoned for it through killing Morgen a second time. This is his closure for the past. But even with that, Nacht cannot - will not - is let go of his sin or the pain it's caused him. It's a part of him for the rest of his life. He will find it in himself to live and maybe even find happiness, but the love and happiness he got from having Morgen around will never be replaced or filled in. Morgen is lost forever and so Nacht will mourn forever.
Part of me is sad to know that Nacht has committed himself to such feelings. But a greater part of me understands that it's a part of his character and loves him for it. He holds on, to his emotions or the people he cares for, so fiercely to the point of it hurting him. It's probably not a healthy mindset to have but Nacht's fictional so we can let it slide. I see it as tragic but also admirable.
To me, this is the real end of Nacht's arc. First in Spade, he had to learn that despite his faults, there were people who cared for him enough to save him. And now on Judgment Day, Nacht faces his sin head on and gives it a resolution, thus accepting all he's done and all of himself where he once projected his self-loathing onto others.
I'm left with bittersweet feelings from these chapters. There was beautiful art. I developed a deeper appreciation for characters who aren't my favorite characters. The characters that I do adore above all the rest got a spotlight on them. Morgen and Nacht both showed off incredible feats of power and their story got an ending. All good things. But I've also come to see a much sadder side to Morgen beyond being a black sheep. And Nacht's statement of eternal pain brings me to actual tears just thinking of it. I'm also upset that unlike Acier, Morgen isn't shown giving a goodbye to his family but I can still hope that chapter 377 spares page time for that. But even with these sad notes, I'm happy because I can better appreciate the Fausts with what I've been shown.
I love these chapters and the stories they tell/finish. I can't wait for the physical volume containing the chapters so I can return to them over and over again.
I hope that this post wasn't boring or too repetitive. I hope it made sense. I had to bounce around in the chapters' details and even called back to older chapters to get my points across. I just... had a lot to say. Several times while writing this, I ended up going back to add onto a topic I thought I'd finished (I'm looking at you Yami family and the Walpurgis Night spell).
I didn't have any plans for what I was going to say. I knew I was going to talk about how the Yami and Faust family dynamics closed out and the development of my perception of Morgen. But a lot of things just came to me as I wrote. And I think that worked for the best.
Thank you to whoever was able to power through this massively long post. Or even just read specific parts. Anyone looking at this post at all would mean something to me because while I mostly write this so my head and heart wouldn't explode from keeping it all inside, being heard by another is nice.
Thank you to any readers. Thank you, Tabata for writing Black Clover. Thank you, Yami and Ichika for your shared arc and contributions to this chapter. And thank you, Nacht and Morgen Faust for lighting my soul on fire.
#black clover#nacht faust#morgen faust#yami sukehiro#ichika yami#black clover manga#black clover spoilers#black clover meta#soda asides#long post#i wrote this post instead of doing things like sleeping and eating#two days in a row i woke up before the crack of dawn and my immediate move was to write this#not even the need for a good grade in college got this much writing and passion from me lol#also fair warning#i will likely end up writing an addendum/follow up for this
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Some fantasy traveler inventory details (like what they would carry in their bags), based on two of the recent costumes I did.. love finding random little scraps and items and putting them together lol
#it's obvious who's is who's since they match their outfits HOWEVER.. consider if they were switched lol#evil villain looking man carrying around pressed flowers in a cutesy lacy pouch#fantasy costume#what's in my bag#actualyl that would have been funny to make a video. I should make a video#I'm sure someone else has already done this#but like.. lifestyle vlogger type content however I'm dressed in fully costume as some weird elf or something#pulling things out of my bag and showing them to the camera and talking about how they're useful for whatever#but it's all fantasy scenarios and talking like it's very common#'and of course. i know it's a bit cliche#EVERY traveler has one of these. but you know. theyre just useful! thats why everyone has one!' *pulls out a completely unrecognizable item#thats like some weird fantasy world prop and doesn't even explain it because In-world it's normal and wouldnt need to be talked about*#'room tour' video and it's just like 'yeah I sleep on this mat under a bunch of trees uh.. over here by these rocks. at least right now. I#kind of wander around a bit. so'#Like a clothing haul but it's a potions shop haul or something and they ramble about some obscure drama in the potions community and how the#y hard to barter and steal and entire flock of sheep or something just to get one of them. etc. etc.#I could do ones for different characters too like. multiple people from different walks of life showing what they carry around with them.#just like this but more interview sort of vlog format instead of photos#This is where not having much money and not having my own house with land becomes an issue though#I think it would take you out of the illusion if the background was always the same. I can make small sets because there's one blank wall in#a room that it's easy to move all the stuff away from in front of and clear a spot and like hang up fabrics or whatever but still.. hmms#So one of those 'fun idea but dubious about handling the execution' things. also One Of Those Things where without looking it up you're 100%#sure it's already been done and you don't want to look weird since it's vaguely niche. Like if 100 people have done something it's fine but#if only like 3 other people have then you look weird maybe ghhjbj.. or only one other person gods forbid. looks even weirder potentially#Or do people not care about ''copying'' anymore?? idk. I'm not updated with the internet's changing culture. I just have a fear of accidenta#lly doing something like that and then people getting mad even though it's really just that I competely had no idea it had been done because#again.. I live under a rock and am unaware of everything lol. ANYWAY. also would require my face being on video which I don't like. Though I#would be in costume so that helps. I think to be fully comfortable I'd need light modifications to make my face look different. which isn't#hard but is more effort when it has to be translatable in multiple angles. ANYWAY. ghjbhj... Now I think it would be funny actually. maybe#one day. I haven't made any videos (aside from on the gameplay/sims channel) in a long long time actually. hmm'st
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hahaha wheee haha
#sk8 the infinity#kyan reki#hasegawa langa#renga#continuing to tag ship instead of answering any of the reporters' questions#as you can see. I am still on my Reki Speaks English Pretty Fluently But Can Not Read It For Shit bullshit#and also. teen shenanigans. which can also be grown up shenanigans if ur not a square#man. todays been a Whole thing. how was it really the case that every art supply store I went to ran out of black ink#three! I went to three stores! literally a triangle in the city!#still have some of the devils tar left but I'm not enthusiastic about it#well! that's for future baku to care about and for me to ignore babeyy#tbh this is like. Im just glad I can still scribble a funny comic when it strikes me it's been too long#I don't do that a lot anymore... even tho its such a good measure of like. ur sense of timing#if u can draw a funny comic ur powerful enough to do anything. u can eat the sun u can kick its ass. u can draw a sad comic too#I realized I missed that...#also accidentally sent this from draft without adding tags lol. and tried adding tags on mobile and it spit in my face and called me a bitch#got enough of that. one must never forget one's currently on tumblr#now I sleep. gods. gods do I need a bit of that#have a good night lads. bring a worm onto a rollercoaster. see what happens
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never in my life have i wanted a Daddy more than i do rn 😭
#personal#i'm going to ramble and drop it all in the tags#i'd like to have a pity party for myself thanks#the election?#fucked i've just been scrambling for a week now to prepare for the worst that feels like it's rapidly approaching#vaccines updated birth control bought out stockpile of food started passport appointments made tasers and protective gear purchased#banned books put on a wishlist#the holidays?#trying to make them enjoyable instead of so so so triggering#husband's new job?#barely home he's barely home i feel like a solo parent#i'm absolutely drowing at home mainly alone with two toddlers who have found their spirit and resilience and attitude...#the new house?#we've been fighting we are not vibing it's taking forever for me to feel in love with it#we do not get along rn lol#writing? personal time? self care? nonexistent i have no time alone during the day and then i spend the two hours i have to myself at night#fighting sleep and doing nothing#took a shower today and when i got out my eyelash line started burning and then my eyes were burning and then my nose was running and#then my eyes were watering and i could barely open them and goop started building and then they were SWOLLEN to the point where i could see#the muscles bulging and then i couldn't move them left or right#so i drove I DROVE myself to the urgent care#turns out my water has way too much chlorine in it and now that i've started taking hot as fuck and steamy showers it's just made me#susceptible to severe allergic reactions to chlorine?#it's been horrible my eyes are so sore now and they're just now not sopping in goop#and yeah#just...#i live the same day every day and i'm spiraling and drowning and about to go off the rails while also trying to SUCK THE JOY out of the las#month we have before democracy crumbles so#i just wish i had a Daddy to take care of me and tell me things are going to be okay 😭#preferably a Big Daddy that would let me sleep for days and would bring me food and let me hug and snuggle on him and not talk
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i think the main difference in personality so far between puppy-stellina and puppy-kepler is that kep has a lot more patience.
that brings a lot of positive qualities: he has better emotional control and is less prone to tantrums and outbursts than stellina was (i.e. if i have to stop for 10 seconds on a walk to pick up poo, stellina would yelp and pull and cry at being asked to stop). it also means he has better focus and is more forgiving of repetition in training - he doesn't give up nearly as easily when frustrated. and things that may startle or scare him he's more willing to try again or overcome (e.g. he slipped on my stairs and hurt his foot and didn't want to go back up the stairs for a few days, but eventually started trying again. and when butters slaps him he yelps and backs off, but still thinks she's Super Fun and tries to make friends). so he's a bit more methodical in his thinking.
but it does also bring some negatives too: because he has patience, he does not give up once he's decided something. if stellina was overtired and i put her in a crate, she'd fuss for a minute then pretty quickly go "hm alright then" and go to sleep. if i do the same to kep, he fights it and fights it because he doesn't want to be asleep and that's that. he's much more difficult to redirect or distract, and i have to be a lot more mindful of managing him because once he's decided something is fun or tasty or whatever it takes a lot to dissuade him, and he'll go back to it at the first chance. he's very slow to learn boundaries as a result - i have to do a lot more convincing than i'm used to.
they are still overall very similar personalities, especially as they're the same breed and from very similar lines, but i think so far this has been the biggest quality that i've needed to adjust to. puppy-stellina i had to do a lot of mental adjustments learning how to manage her short emotional threshold and sensitivity, so it's interesting to see what does and doesn't translate over to kep.
#i hesitate to use the word 'stubborn' for kep bc i truly dont think its willful 'oh youve told me no but i will do it anyway'#he just genuinely doesnt get the concept of 'please dont do that'#'dont do thing? but thing is fun. thing is for kep. kep will do. fun!'#the concept of 'i am not allowed to do this' or 'i should not do this' has never occured to him#like with house training: he knows that he gets praise and treats for going outside. he knows that this doesnt happen if he goes inside.#but the concept of 'i have to poop and am inside therefore i should instead go outside' hasnt clicked yet bc he will just always take-#-the first option (poop now)#same thing with sleeping (i do not want to sleep therefore i will Not) and biting stellina etc#its not bad! as mentioned theres a lot of positives it brings too. i just need to learn how to speak his specific language#and when youre bad at dog training it just takes a while lol
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So I have officially finished watching the first episode of tdp and I am once again asking Netflix to stop releasing seasons that are like 3 episodes long
#On a more serious note I'm so hooked#Like. The animation and art style is so pretty I want to do so many frame redraws#I'm cursing that Netflix blacks out screen shots so I can't save anything :(( I want some of these as lockscreens#But other than the art the story is super engaging so far and the world building is so fun!! I can wait to see more of it unfold#I also love how organic the dialogue is. They feel like real people having actual conversations#The swordfighting scene between Callum and soren (you'll have to forgive me if I get names mixed up lol) especially felt like something you#Could hear irl. It was also super sweet and I love how they didn't go with the trope of overly harsh and miserable instructor but instead#Went the opposite route#I really like all the characters so far! Can't wait to see how my opinion changes AVDBSBSNSJS#Sorry for the long ramble lol#I might do this episode by episode instead of live reaction and leave my thoughts in the tags like this#If you guys don't mind reading all this lol#I think I'll just forget to do the updates or get so distracted I'll miss things#Idk how quickly I'll get through it because things r hella chaotic but I want to binge it sm#Alas I must go to sleep today#But I'm loving this so far wins all across the board! I can't wait to continue it!!!!!#Yapadoodledoo: fandom edition#Also I can't remember that frog like creatures name (it's been three seconds 😭) but I would die for them
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Anyway how is everyone doing
#had to get up at 6 in the morning and therefore had 4 hours of sleep today (a weekly occurence pretty much)#so i just took a nap which took all evening and i'm still tired yayyyyy. because naps only work how they should about 10% of the time#and also i did nothing else today because sleep and now i'm truly wondering what to do with myself anymore#meanwhile i have to get up and go to school again tomorrow 😑 and the day after that 😑 and the day after that 😑#or i could drop out again and have nothing else to do anyway and continue rotting in my room#(whether it's my dorm room or my actual room doesn't matter). what's the pointtttttt#might be reaching some kind of limit or maybe i'm truly just dramatising and should just chill about it all#save me 4 hours of music listening now probably. idk man#got my minimal amount of social interaction today in the form of riding the elevator with 3 of the ppl from my course#when i could have (and normally would have) just taken the stairs instead#i feel like i made a big important step today that will help me later on through this year (no not really)#at least one thing i've noticed recently is that i might have the reverse of what is i guess is usually called seasonal depression#in the sense that now that it's chilly and cloudy and it gets dark earlier i feel like i'm finally LIVING in a way#the good effect of that will probably pass after a week or two though#but also just a bit over a month left now until my birthday and then my long awaited trip!!#anyone else get unreasonably excited for their birthday each year even though there's never anything special about it in the end#and that only makes the day more depressing lol#ok whatever i'm done whining now i think. music time then#celebrating (a bit late) one year of gratsax and lil beethoven today. some of the albums of all time for me personally#goosepost
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omg the cute autistic/mutual friend at the party I was talking ab way back just moved into our building!!! I legit ran into him omw in and exchanged instas he is SO adorable and cute and I love him like I just wanna be around him so like tf I am SO HAPPY
#im not sure the post is even still up but me n my friends were just having a casual gettogether and i met him n my post was talking ab how#im glad no annoying autsitics have been introduced to me yet bc ive already met like 3 and theyre all either like#smart autistics or adorable autistics or interesting autistics and i have a crush on two of them including the cute autistic this post is ab#like im so HAPPY omg im gonna bug him so much its weird bc idk what u call the type of crush where its like im not searching for romance#but i will do anything to be in ur prescense bc i know id enjoy being friends or partners or whatever the fuck involves KNOWING YOU#idk lol#yutamayo is starting the day off right (#(its 3:47pm)#at the party we were playing Detroit Become Human anf he seems to also be a hyperfixation/skilled autistic bc he SLAYED at the game i just#enjoyed watching him speedplay at that point#and everyone was ig close enough with him to call him by a semiracist nickname bc hes indigenous n his last name wad apparently too long#so i was like NOPE and made sure to spell it out and resay it so i could say his last name properly instead of his nickname#im noy shading them bc its fine to have a close friend thing where ur able to have a joking nickname ab a characteristic like my bestie#calls me “it” sometimes and thats not something i dislike bc we KNOW each other and its the opposite of malicious intent#but yeah i wad likr nah id prefer to know how to say it#then it was like 3am anf there was only like 4ppl left n he was like yeah i gotta go bavk home to whitby apparently he was just gonna#use the electric scooters they have around town but thats like 30min away in the mf a.m#n he didnt wanna crash on our couch which isfine n everyone else was like mkay bye bc yhey wanted to sleep#n i was like NOPE and hunted down bus fare n waited with him at the bus stop for the night bus n made sure he got on it then never saw him#again#until#today#god fucking bless#*introduced to 3 autistics not 3 annoying autistics the post was ab how im gkad i havent met an annoying autistic in my buikding yet*
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Ugh..narrator...
#slay princess spoilers in these tags alex don readdd#i should be sleeping rn but while i was work i couldnt stop thinking abt#how much i feel like the narrator relates to me in how ocd affects me#hes not just afraid of change hes afraid of possibility. but thats not what he thinks hes afraid of he justifies his fear as#wanting to protect the world from seein death ever again#but in truth he wants to kill the embodiment of change itself#my mind is hazy but like i can get it because so many times i just hope that#things just stop#because i think abt so many possibilities so bad that it hurts me a lot#only thinking about the bad possibitilies and the good possibilities never go through my mind#i think so much abt everything that could happen if i do anything that i try my best at avoiding it#and if i fall into not doing it feels empty and stagnant#its safe but it feels really bad and i feel bad abt my fear#and thats what the narrator wants for the full scope of the world cos he thinks that will be better for everyone#dont get me wrong hes very wrong lol but hes so human at the same time#it only gets more clear by his nightmare where he describes that every good moment in life is a short omen for something horrible to happen#next#thats so ocd to me man “oh fuck this is too good something bad will happen”#bitch should have gone to therapy instead of trapping the gods of reality itself trapped in a torture bubble lol#or he should have played satbk#sonic is always right#also i get a lot of ocd vibes from the cage but its slightly different#she thinks she already knows whats going to happen and doesnt try to test another possibility#the only way to save her is to prove to her that what she thinks will happen isnt set in stone. she cant know what will happen#even if her past trauma feels like enough proof that things will be the same- she cant know...#also how she thinks her body is acting on its own and that it has nothing to do with her but it does she just cant see it#cage....#also i love how she comes from prisoner. because prisoner is actually very reasonable in her distrust of you but she believes that her plan#will work#but it doesnt and it turns into the trsuma that turns her in cage cos every worry feels like its the truth
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Mmm the napperrr /complicated thoughts on napping
#mouy time… Ive got things to do but also mmm nice nap wanna keep on napping#i feel like I always just take a nap after I get complimented lol. my brain says okay let us sleep and file that instead of risking it bein#lost by you staying up too late#this is a post i made
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i am literally a hopeless case LOL
#GOD it's just so FRUSTRATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#sorry i know i know it's the midweek meltdown but#i just started my period i'm cranky i did not sleep well it is my god given right to complain on the internet#i had this thought yesterday bc i was in a really good mood and enjoying my classes and feeling good about my classes#despite absolutely everything#like just how much of a WASTE of my time and energy this clinic is lol#like i could be doing actual WORK in exchange for MONEY#or actual work that fucking benefits me in literally any way#and instead the school requires that i participate in this absolute sham of a program that they then do not bother to regulate#into something even remotely worthwhile#the only good thing abt this clinic is it drove me back into therapy which i should have done way sooner LOL#whatever the point of this is that i just took on another work project#when i am actively struggling to complete the ones I have LOL#because i am simply a lost cause you cannot do anything for me at this time#idek man i'm so fucking sick of this clinic why won't it END#personal#grad school nonsense
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finally finished all of one character's entire quests/optional dialogue/questions/etc.... 100,000 words... .... aughhh
#Given some of it IS lines of code and stuff but like.. minus all that it's still probably at least 85 - 95k words hhhhhh#AND I have to do this for another 3 characters. Then a few partial quests for 3 others. THEN the other random misc stuff in the game#(like there are public areas in the city like a park and a forest that you can go and do a few things at. and chat with a few random#townsfolk that aren't actually full characters or anything. And there's a community board where you can#browse some of the random job advertisments or silly things that happen to be posted around#and also pick up a few odd jobs of your own to help earn coin to buy gifts for the npcs. etc. etc.)#Originally I was thinking like 'ah I'll make a short little game just to try it out! :3 It'll take maybe a few months!''#haha........................hee hee........................................hoho#Also evil that it would have been done already if I didn't totally drop itand stop working on it for like 5 years randomly#i could have made 5 years of steady slow progress gradually. instead of like 'one initial idea dump + about a month of art and writing'#...... 5 year break..... 'sudden mad dash to try to get probably 400.000 words written in a year or less' lol#I just really want to be done and have something out there already so it can lead to doing other things in my world..!!!!!! T o T#Like this can be an introduction and then maybe from that I can make other games. or short story anthologies. or other such things#But there needs to be some initially not very complex easy to interact with starting point first I guess... if that makes sense#That's part of why I stopped posting worldbuilding lore dump stuff as often because its' like.. massive walls of novella length#text are much more inacessible to engage with than like.. ooh a game! and there's characters! so its more approachable! and theres#visuals! oo! and the text is broken up in small bits line by line with other things in betwen! oo! etc. etc. lol#Not that THIS is even very accessible. I think dialogue heavy interactive fiction/visual novel type stuff is pretty niche and considered#boring or tedious compared to something with more ''gamplay'' like where you can actually move around in a world#and shoot things or whatever lol. But its an inbetween point. something SLIGHTLY#more accesible for now. Since i just dont have the budget or means or ability to make some skyrim type thing obviously LOL#Though maybe if theres any interest in the visual novel that could lead to making other things too. or at least I hope. I have a VERY cool#idea for a more ''gamey'' type of game that is a super fun concept and etc. but I would need to hire at least 2 people to make it.. ough..#I could do all the writing and probably half of the art. But I think I'd inevitably need a 3d artist and someone who can Code For Real hbjh#the system for ren'py (the thing I'm making a visual novel in) is not that complicated if you stick to just simple dialogue and stuff.#Making a whole moderately sized 3d game with minigames in it and a bunch of quest features and etc. would be out of my simplistic scope#''just learn it yourself!!' ... i barely manage to eat and sleep reliably every day lol... i do not function well enough to spend months#learning that many new skills. I already have a lot of of things I'm good at (not in a braggy way but just factually like.. i already have#a wide variety of different things under my belt).. at some point I have to just be happy with what i CAN already do and focus on that#and admit I need to get outside help sometimes ghjbh... NO more new skills/hobbies!!! ... ANYWAY
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you ever have one of those cases where you know your childhood wasn't exactly normal but then you take a look at one aspect of your life that you thought was just a quirky lil detail and realize maybe that was a bit more not-normal than you previously thought
#i spent my entire school years cooped up in my room pretending to study when i wasn't at school#no free time ever bc if there's free time then there's always something more important you could be doing instead of taking a break#just always trying to look like i was studying whenever anybody entered my room and i wasn't sleeping#maybe that fucked me up a bit bc now i never feel like I'm allowed to have any free time#or maybe that's just the adhd who knows#anyway that's also why i never went outside bc it never even occured to me that i could even ask for permission to go outside#or even just hang out with friends after school. fuuuuuuuuck wait is that why ppl have been thinking im weird for heading straight home#after school everyday instead of hanging out to chat and hang out even though i have nothing else to do#anyway what i was going for before that lil realization was that idk how to answer when ppl ask me about video games#bc you have to play those on your phone or computer and you have to pay for them too and of course my parents weren't paying for that#and it's not like i could've just got them myself bc i never had an allowance bc they expected me to ask them if there was anything i needed#but ppl aren't really expecting you to dive into how weird your life/parents were when they ask you about video games#so idk. maybe i should really just get a therapist so i can figure out what's normal and what isn't lol#anyway. i keep having these little realizations recently and idk why. i thought i already knew everything abt my own life#guess im just recontextualizing things based on new info or whatever#it's getting pretty annoying having new epiphanies abt my life when im just tryna get through school tho :/#mine#random#vent
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