#things have changed. im off my antidepressants now

[dailyenricopucci]

don't call it a comeback

[kath-artic]

thank god for crazy women 🙏

[seithr]

i went to lunch with my dad today and with regards to pride month starting it came up in conversation

today's revelations

my mom knew i was "a homosexual" already based on a different time I brought it up in the past but I assumed was forgotten

so her blowing up on me a few weeks ago for coming out AGAIN was needless drama and exaggerration and screaming

—that has left me with a fear response to certain words and clothing and locations now.

My Dad: Yeah she'd called me about "I don't want MY child being a homosexual" not long after your trip to her gay friend's wedding which I thought was really hypocritical of her to say.

...before this trip I'd argued with her about her hidden partner, where she said, quote "don't i deserve to be happy? don't i deserve happiness with someone?"

huh.

anyways my dad is now inviting me to pride.

[vorpalfae]

i'm omw back home now from the mental hospital i was sent to & i had my meds adjusted & i am meeting an autism life coach soon who i will be seeing regularly. i didn't even know that was a thing lol but i spoke with her on the phone & she's going to help me with a LOT of different stuff 💜 i feel a little bit better✨

the psychiatrist i saw told me that getting off an antidepressant so abruptly as someone with bipolar disorder and anxiety definitely made my emotions become more extreme. and they said i did the right thing by going to the emergency room when i did because having an impulse disorder like i have possibly could have caused me to really hurt myself. i definitely won't ever take lexapro ever again. i already feel so much better after getting my meds adjusted and also just started taking a 2nd one for anxiety. its only been a couple days but i already feel much more calm and less anxious. thank you to everyone who sent me kind stuff while i was away. i just needed a few days to get evaluated and remove myself from everything. and i'm gonna do my best to ignore anything and anyONE that makes me feel bad mentally. the psychiatrist gave me some really good advice and really helped me gain a lot of clarity about certain situations too. it definitely wasn't the same mclean i had gone to before. its changed so much and i'm grateful they sent me there this time even though i was terrified because of my experience in the past. they had an entire new staff there and i hadn't felt that calm in such a long time. it was much needed, and i'm not having any dark thoughts now. honestly i really didn't even feel like myself when i was thinking like that. i felt a huge sense of depersonalization mixed with despair and really bad anxiety. now i just have to force myself to keep practicing self care and prioritize my mental health more. even though i'm doing good in life physically i know i need to stop neglecting myself mentally. because i still have bipolar disorder and im still learning about myself now that i know im autistic. the coach i was referred to is going to help me with that so i'm relieved i won't have to do it alone because its all so overwhelming 😭

anyway, i'm doing much better now and i am just gonna keep focusing on moving forward and making progress with my mental health💜

[spiralstereo]

I THINK. ITS ABOUT TIME.

just saying this before i get into this but HEAVY TRIGGER WARNING. seriously. this shit has really some sensitive topics proceed with caution

also im unsure if this is all of it. ok anyways INTO THE LORE

There is this underground organization right, a society. It's a scientist society that's existed for thousands of years. They're evil & all, they develop weapons & create artificial life & turn said artificial life into weapons & do these horrible disgusting tests on people just in general they're fucked up.

But I think the most horrible & interesting thing about this society is their philosophy. They. HATE the deities. They HATE gods. They think they're disgusting, undeserving of their power & status & shit so they were founded on the idea of 'dethroning those disgusting creatures'.

So with this information I'm now going to drop a fucking bomb on you guys. Prepare yourself for this chat.

They're the ones that did that to Ghostwalker. They're the ones that fucking mangled him & tore him apart then rearranged him like that. They kidnapped him when he was on the mortal plane 3000 years ago for some reason. He was alone & they snatched him. He disappeared for weeks & the other swords found him in pieces. Firebrand literally stitched him back together.

Although they're an underground organization, they're also disguised as a corporation called 'spare change'. They produce tech & medicines, which none of it is safe. Their headquarters is in Crossroads.

The medicines they make are basically drugs that kill you. One of said drugs, called 'dime' is advertised as an antidepressant & such (its inspired off of thalasin+ from blue channel thalasin) but it is NOT that at all. Infact, dime is the drug that Darkheart overdosed on which caused them to loose their venom. They also lost their other eye from dime. Their eye turned into fucking mush.

But 'spare change' has many labs, their actual headquarters being somewhere in the middle of Lost Temple. Alot of characters are actually affiliated with them or have connections to them. For example,

Characters like Rad, Blade, & Lord Pwnatious work for 'spare change'. Other characters, such as Traffic & Mx. Bot are aware of them, & Traffic is a victim of them. Squidheart is actually artificial life from 'spare change' that was created on accident, & another one of my phighting ocs, EKoSS, is also artificial life created by them. Then there's Ghostwalker of course.

Spare change is something me & @clovergeneral have been wanting to share for a long time, & expect to hear alot more about this. We really cooked with this one.

[bamgyw]

i’m so sorry for this rant in advance😭. for a little backstory i’m 20 and i’ve been with my boyfriend since i was 15. he is pretty much perfect. he is supportive of my passions, he is understanding, he is sweet, and we have sooo much in common. lately ive been feeling extra lost and down due to (most likely) going off of anti depressants that i have also been on for 5 years. i feel very confused about who i am and also have been disassociating which is something ive never experienced before. ugh im so sorry this is getting so deep😭. i really do love him but im just so confused on if i’m IN love with him anymore. i mean we try to be intimate but the past few years due to body changes and stuff it’s really hard for me to find pleasure in it. when i read fictional things i definitely enjoy that (thanks father rey🫡) but it’s so hard when it’s actually real life. in the past i’ve also become like infatuated or had “crushes” on other people during our relationship but obviously of course never acted EVER on these feelings. when i would look things up people would say these things are normal so i would try not to dwell on it. but right now there is nobody that i have feelings for (at least that’s real or someone i know) yet i still feel distant from my boyfriend. our lives are so intertwined in literally every aspect and we have so many memories together. i can’t possibly imagine my life without him and it scares me thinking of a future where he isn’t the one that i’m with. life would be so different than what it has been and he is my best friend as well. the thought of us not being together devastates me. even with all of these things i can’t help but imagine my life sometimes if i were to be with other people or just be single and move some where across the world and live all of these unrealistic dreams that i have. sometimes i feel like i’m settling. not because he isn’t good enough but because it’s the exact opposite. he is too good and deserves all the love in the world. i want to be in love with him so badly. i just don’t know if i am anymore. like are these fleeting feelings that will go away or is this just my mental illness speaking?? i don’t know anything anymore. all that i know if that I actually just don’t know anything at all anymore. everything hurts so much. being an infp on top of this makes it so much worse😩. i’m not even expecting you to know an answer to this of course but i haven’t even told anyone in my life the way i’ve been feeling. i’m scared that if i say it out loud things will change. i just hurt so much every single day and this has been going on for over a month now. somehow it feels like an eternity though. thank you for taking the time to even read or respond to this😭❤️

well first off, breathe and take this virtual kiss on your forehead. mwah. this is painfully complex, which makes it very human, too. and that is good. it means we're alive and functioning. i promise that all this hurt won't last forever. it never does. we got this !!

i'm sorry for taking so long to reply to you :(, i wanted my thoughts to be somewhat meditated so i could make sense and be as helpful as humanly possible.

also, please don't apologise. you all keep apologising when you think you're bothering me or annoying me or sending asks too long WHICH IS NEVER TRUE so yeah, there's none of that in reyville. we're all really cool no matter what.

and if only the act of sharing this has been useful in the slightest, even just for the relief value of venting, then it was more than worth it and i'm really glad you did !!

first thing is the going off meds. antidepressants are bitch. i don't know which ones you were taking specifically, but usually what they do is numb you out instead of taking away your pain, right? they don't make you feel less shitty, just limit your ability to feel at all. which is fucked up, because the day you stop taking them all the pain comes to you at once. and you don't know what to do with yourself and you feel miserable and you don't even know why.

so. i'm no one and i know nothing. still. i am your friend from the internet, which is a sacred bestie bond, so i'm gonna try to be as honest as i possibly can.

but ultimately you're the person who knows yourself the best (you're literally you), so the wisest and most valuable opinion is always your own, which is fucking scary because freedom is a prison. but you're cool and i trust you, so.

so (and again, i'm not a psychiatrist i'm a rando on the internet), i think you're right when you say that going off the meds might be a reason why you're in so much pain. you need to be patient and allow your brain some time to balance the chemicals and get used to working on its own.

but beyond that, you're feeling shitty and lost, which absolutely fucking sucks. your pain is here and widespread and tangible and so we need to cope with that now !!

when you talk about that inability to feel pleasure, again, mental illness is literally crippling. so you shouldn't press yourself about not being able to enjoy getting intimate with your boyfriend. just take your time and get comfortable with yourself first.

and don't get the concepts of love and attraction confused !! you struggling a little to get turned on does absolutely not mean that you love him any less. asexual people exist, and they date and get married !!

love comes in so many different ways, even within one person. so don't be scared because things aren't as they used to. even if you were feeling great emotionally, things like this happen all the time and it's alright !! your libido might not always be on the high, and so what? and with all that's going on inside your head, it's understandable that you can't enjoy getting intimate.

i feel like i can't advise you to tell your boyfriend about this because i don't really know him and i don't know how he would react. but you do know him !! so if you trust him and you think it's safe, in time and whenever you're comfortable, talk to him. your mental health is your right and duty, but this involves him as well, so maybe he deserves to know. (and he definitely will be able to help you. more than me, at least).

the precise point of it being not real is that there is no risk, nothing to lose. you're allowed to be at your most open and comfortable. that's why fic writing is often brought up in conversations about feminist sexual liberation, because in real life there are little to none safe spaces for girls. so they, we (assuming that you share this experience) wouldn't get a chance to explore our sexuality were it not for fiction. (i rambled i'm sorry).

still, i don't think your libido is entirely broken? you mentioned only getting turned on by fiction, but that's literally so common. if it weren't, the idol industry would totally crumble.

it's pretty simple, in fiction there's no danger to the relationship, no actual commitment and no threat of failure. it's not real, it has no effect in your life. so all those worries that clog up your brain in real life and that paralyse you—do i still love him, do i love him like he deserves, what would i do without him— those ugly but very necessary parts of a relationship are just gone.

that's the beauty of literature of any genre, it's a chance to try and fail without real consequences. an exploration.

but it can also be a great source of dissatisfaction, when real life feels dull and not enough. there's a beauty to that dullness too, though sometimes it is a little harder to see. that's where the deep bond with your boyfriend comes to play.

there's the line (this is stupid, sorry, it just reminded me of it) in the intro to the new ariana grande album. "how can i tell if i'm in the right relationship? aren't you really supposed to know that shit? feel it in your bones and own that shit?"

you mentioned he's your best friend, and i think that's so cherishable. personally, i value having someone to share life with so much, (i'm terrified of being alone, and now i'm supposed to insert some lame joke to make it goofy) but i also understand that great fear of not being satisfied in that kind of traditional, unbreakable concept of relationship.

i think fear of commitment is so much deeper than people usually make it out to be. he's perfect, but is he perfect for me? no one is ever gonna make me feel this safe and loved, but also, why does it feel like it's not enough? it fucking sucks.

but there's so many external things that can be triggering all those thoughts. things neither you nor your boyfriend can control.

there's the antidepressants. there's the fact that you've been with your boyfriend since you were fifteen?? that's so fucking young, you were babies !! you don't know how to live a life without your boyfriend because you practically never have. there's the combination of everything that just results in that anxiety storm which might also be causing you to wanna run away and live a completely different life !!

whatever you do, just remember that there's no such thing as a bad choice. you have a right to be curious and want to explore other ways of life, and you also have a right to look for stability with your boyfriend. they're both scary, and there's a lot of pondering to do. but i believe in you !!

your boyfriend is so important, and he deserves all the best. but the best is almost never pretending that everything's going fine so that he doesn't get upset. loving him like he deserves might mean talking to him earnestly about everything you're feeling, or even a sincere break up.

and please don't take this as me encouraging you to break up with him. only you know if that's the right choice. i just want you to walk without guilt into whatever path you think it's the right one.

as you think about all this, love yourself a lot. that'll make everything easier. (cliché but true) you need integrity and a lot of self-respect to make the best possible decisions, for you and for everyone you love.

please try to not get anxious. to keep your head a little cold and your heart calm. if not, your fears will turn into these irrational bloodthirsty monsters and every decision will feel like it's life or death. it's not, it's gonna be okay.

talk to yourself as you would talk to dear friend, be supportive of yourself. sometimes it even helps to put yourself in a third person pov and think about your problems as if they were happening to a character !! (again, the holy power of story).

and don't hesitate to send in as many asks as you need and talk to me about anything !!

i hope i didn't make too many stupid points during this long ass speech, and i hope i didn't tell you too many things you already knew. i really want you to feel better, and i trust that you will.

be strong !! a hundred thousand kisses.

[mortallyandrogynoussheep]

1/100 days of getting my life back together

Wednesday, July 3, 2024

So I decided to try to do a thing for the first time ever since forever - try to start having a blog(?) again, because, well, the brain rot is real. I've deleted twitter for now to give my brain some rest, because a lot of things were stressing me out.

My life has been a real mess the last few months and I really need to get my shit back together. This semester was the biggest flop so far (which is not to say that much - it's only a second one, but still) and I'm really upset about it.

I've come off one of my meds, that were making me insanely sleepy whenever I tried to focus (still have no idea whether that was a real thing or no, but they either way were not doing anything for me), got back on antidepressants, that are a-okay to me, at least side effects wise, and I was hoping that NOW I will be so much better at school. It got so much worse.

Not my room, but the vibes sum everything up quite perfectly. Everything feels insanely hard to do. I feel like a failure. I'm stressed and lost, but we persevere to the best of our abilities.

Anyway, I am writing this post one day after the 3rd of July, because I figured I should start somewhere, and despite wanting to have the first entry be as perfect as I want to become later, I figured that I have already tried that approach earlier, and it always falls off. Maybe it's better to start bad, slowly trying to build up all the habits and changes.

After all it is 100 days of trying to get my life together, not 100 days of describing my life being together.

Anyway, on 3rd of July I wanted to do some document related work and do some job applications, but because of fucking up my sleep schedule days prior to finish an assignment (which I got 100% for, insanely), I could not resist falling asleep in the day and then waking up late in the evening. That then scaled to 4th of July night, when I could not fall asleep again until 4 am, and the cycle repeated again.

So, yeah. T'was a flop. I didn't do anything good or productive for studying. The only thing I managed to accomplish was tidying up the place a little, but not the dishes. Luckily, my boyfriend helped me with that. It feels so much better to be able to work as a team on tasks that feel this big and unbearable.

2/100 days of getting my life back together

Thursday, July 4, 2024

It is currently 13:44 as I am writing this. Woke up (or more so, thankfully, got woken up by my boyfriend) by about 12:30. Still feel very poopy, but in today's plans are to do some studying for the first out of my two exams, and maybe a little bit for the second one.

DB 2

DB 3

SE2

dishes

DB 4

Probably will keep editing this post for any relevant updates that are not shitposts.

15:08 - 16:02 finished the db2 and 3 bits, 3rd one was way shorter than I expected. it turned out that I already had a set of flashcards on quizzlet there on it, so that was a win. originally was planning to study for one hour, but then finished 6 mins earlier, because my brain was fried and finished the dishes on my break. now back to studying

16:17 - 18:01 finished working on the SE2, but the lecture was kinda short and won't be that important at the exam, so I can't say I studied it properly. i will put more thought into it later (maybe), but not for now, since my ass is BURNING from the heat of upcoming deadline for the exams and there are more complex things i need to learn. started working on DB 4, which was an addition on initially planned to-do list. a little more than 1.5 hours of trying to understand the lecture made my brain feel GONE. i started to feel very irritated at the end, so im gonna be taking a break.

18:36 - 19:52 some minecraft break for mindlessly and quietly doing some things around our base. cleaned up the ground for where i want to build our house, transferred some stuff and organized it in a new chests system. the project will take A LOT of time so yuh. did i spend too much time on it? yes. will i do it again? also yes, probably. then we ate some dinner and now im comming back to some studying and note taking.

21:09 - 22:22

did some more note taking on DB4, not finished with it yet, but I think I'll call it a day for today. I'll probably play some more Minecraft before sleep and reread my notes and flashcards too. overall I feel still kind of unsatisfied with the day and its' results, I think mostly because of this is 1.5 hour game break, but it is what it is for now. overall I guess I did do some stuff done today, so it's still a win, right?

[more-thoughts-than-money]

Born “gifted”; grown chronically depressed

// long, personal post. basically a tutorial on express therapy (and by express I mean 10 years of rationalising, learning psychology on myself and fictional characters + 48 hours of not sleeping)

When I was grieving I spent 48 hours sleepless

it’s not that I couldn’t sleep. I’ve been on insomnia medication for 3 years now. I just had to “have a reason” and time to actually acknowledge my emotion and thoughts which caused my body to struggle with setting a “proper” circadian rhythm

Living with a 5 person family in basically a studio flat for 13 years of my life low-key harmed my ability to think and “feel” without privy eyes

this accidentally sent my brain into survival mode where I could only “think rationally” at night

So when we moved out and I got to have a room of my own

that’s when *serious* sleep problems started

my brain would just REFUSE to shut the fuck up

first off I was used to tv noise while falling asleep

i fixed it up with some rain sounds or watching ATLA when I was feeling funky

it distracted me enough

still I wouldn’t fucking sleep.

because my brain didn’t feel like it

probably hyperactivity which I could never “treat” with sport as an asthmatic kid

also an outcast but it is what it is

unable to name the cause of my insomnia I would just head to sleep at 10pm. Two reasons for that:

a) you know what they say! Don’t trust your thoughts after 10PM

b) 8h of sleep is THE healthy amount. And it seems like my brain likes waking up early for whatever reason!

yeah also I went through a fair share of medication before they got it right

anyways whoops I’m depressed now. Very depressed and even more anxious. Day by day my brain is giving me more compulsive behaviours and thoughts! Yaaay!

so I went through a 3 years worth of antidepressants

also a lot of unintended research (thanks, tiktok.)

basically I “subconsciously” KNEW what my problem is but “consciously” my brain refused I acknowledge it because haha living in the state of constant survival mode is way more fun! right?

right?

basically it was like being a doctor and being pretty certain about the diagnosis but having to go to some other doctor to objectively either confirm or discard my diagnosis

yeah anyways I changed medication, SNRI, venlafaxine

known to help some adhd folk with severe vegetative depression for “no reason”

Yeah basically my new psychiatrist kept on upping the dose until I got “a kick in the ass” so we know it works

and then my aunt died.

wELL my workaholic and emotionally constipated child brain would NOT acknowledge it

hell you’d catch me dead before I’d admit that I felt shitty but didn’t know how to deal with that because at the same time I “saw it coming”

No one ever told me she’s sick

I just saw her hair loss (or rather a sudden haircut change and awkward silence that followed) and had some foggy memory of someone saying her sister died of cancer

Mind you I don’t fucking remember my childhood that well

hell I don’t remember it at all but it is what it is

I just “know” some things and some are more of a “hunch”

I have this information buried in my brain but I can’t recall how it got there, ykwim?

yeah basically I was suspecting she’s dying of cancer but I was trying to stay optimistic and told myself I’m “overthinking it”

and I thought the mourning was “good enough of a reason” to stay up for 48 hours, write down my “thoughts” and wail all day long (yes, everyone gave me shit for crying growing up, how did you know?)

anyways yeah I did this and suddenly I “solved” the root of ALL my anxieties and minor paranoias.

as if it was a fucking riddle. Or a fucking house MD episode.

I hope you can understand WHY I’m so livid.

I SPENT OVER 3 YEARS ON ANTIDEPRESSANTS AND MADE ONE THERAPIST CRY JUST BECAUSE MY BRAIN WENT SO FAR INTO THE SURVIVAL MODE EVERY TIME I INTERACTED WITH A HUMAN BEING. IM JUST FUCKING AUTISTIC AND TRAUMATISED NOT “ANXIOUS” AND “PARANOID”

OH FOR FUCKS SAKE

Also I’m fucking dyslexic. But hyperlexic at the same time. I mean I’m hyperlexic in my native language, and I “remember” the spellings so I went undiagnosed

but I love technology. I want to be a CS student and then I’ll see where I can go from here. I’d love to work on an online learning platform for “gifted” children

y’know so they don’t lose their childhood but at the same time can associate learning with something nice and actually enjoyable

I think a lot of “gifted kid burnout” comes from the | dopamine <—> habit making | mechanism

so if children can learn they don’t HAVE TO be good at every subject and learn their “strengths and weaknesses” early on

Hardships later on won’t be as depressing

cause hey maybe I’m not the best at english but I know a lot about maths and I like maths and maybe when I grow older I can be a mathematician!!

you see what I mean?

at least this is what I’m trying to do for myself

generational trauma and neurodivergency running in the family made me develop some shitty coping mechanisms (example - perfectionism in order to cope with my actual time blindness and the “need” for structure while hating organisation and refusing “unreasonable” authority)

I wasn’t raised catholic, not really

nor was I raised queer lol

but my brain reacted to religion the same way people who went through religious trauma did

basically I put myself through religious trauma on accident!

fun, aye?

what I mean is, I grew up religious because that’s what “felt right”

tradition and all that

and then I realised the catholics hate me for no fucking reason

and then I thought “well fuck you too!” And called myself an atheist

later it went into agnostic

and a couple of weeks back I grew OBSESSED with religion

christian one I mean

Fuck I even started reading the nsrv bible in english (!)

and then I tried to interpret it “by myself” using some historical context and googling some stuff

WHAAAAAAAT! Turns out the bible is a product of its own time and is not to be taken literally!

That’s crazy innit?

Yeah and then I realised all of my recent hyperfixations (last two years) were a silent ways of rationalising ALL my “unreasonable” anxiety and trauma caused by; you guessed it

NOT UNDERSTANDING SYMBOLISM AND SOCIAL CUES AS IT IS

IN MY NATIVE FUCKING LANGUAGE

I can learn *any* language

I just need some books, movies, music in said language

But don’t ask me about any grammar. I don’t care about grammar. And you can’t make me. Idfk what present simple is but I can shove it so far up your ass your own mother won’t recognise you. so yeah

I’m great at learning languages cause they’re a “brainless” work for me

I mean

I learn languages for fun - it’s a tool to communicate with broader audience AND find more knowledge on the internet (I Google EVERYTHING in english)

and when someone tries to make it into an actual job of mine. This is when it goes downhill.

also english being coded as “language of knowledge” is my “main” language

my native language is way more complicated and I never really had to acknowledge my emotion in polish

I mean maybe I did but I just never wanted to cause I never learned that! English in comparison is simple. It allows me to communicate simple ideas without the need to “sound smart”

this and isolation from my peers (kids are bastards) gave me an actual “language barrier”

which isn’t the case really

it was just my overthinking

I started enjoying polish music way more recently cause I can never get the lyrics

so I listen only to what sounds “cool”

in english on the other hand the most of my music taste was built around midwestern emo and folk punk

cause I listened only to songs that felt “somewhat relatable”

yeah all of that understanding makes me want to write an essay but i kind of don’t care and I’m too lazy to do that!

so yeah this is how I “cured” my compulsions, anxiety, depression, irritability and perfectionism. By having fucking adhd and being a massive nerd. because I would hyperfixate on linux, customisation, open source applications, cybersecurity, programming

turns out I’m great at maths since I KNOW HOW to solve the problems

My brain is just too quick to do it step by step so I tend to skip and get lost in my own fuckin notebook 💀

schooling just made me believe I suck at maths and i should actually kms for trying to improve at it /hj /lh

And I suck at my own language. I know a lot of “complicated” words and can deduce what certain words mean (logically) but I have issues adapting my language to my listeners. I either cuss every other word (too comfortable; thanks mom LMFAO)

Or I speak like an university professor. To my peers. And they don’t know what the fuck is going on. And I end up isolating myself because of crippling fear of being misinterpreted. And people think I don’t have a sense of humour whatsoever because I don’t “get” jokes. But I joke a lot and am very sarcastic cause that’s just how I am. God damn it

When were y’all going to tell me not everyone thinks I want to use them and be a bastard overall when I need to ask someone for help. when. were. you.

icb I had to go to paid therapy, feed myself some subliminal messaging, deprive myself of sleep for 48 hours, force myself to talk to my dad about things I don’t understand or scare me, go manic for a week on venlafaxine, my aunt had to die and I had to have a reason not to go to school for 2 days for me to actually acknowledge my emotion instead of rationalising it.

also everyone in school + my therapist thinks I’m still manic and in need of hospitalisation. How do I even begin to explain it’s not that I have superiority complex, and I just realised I’m hella smart, just in a pretty unexpected way….. because thorough my entire life I never acknowledged it for the sake of being “humble”. bitch it’s not humble it’s the lack of self worth and being someone else’s doormat.

y’all think that if I say “house md and one tumblr post cured me” they’ll let me off the radar?

no honestly I have too much to catch up on (maths, c++, reading in POLISH, and learning German for fun) to actually care about “depressing” things of this world

I mean sure it does sound unhealthy in hindsight

but thing is

this is the first time in my life where I don’t feel hopeless both about present AND the future

and I guess that’s enough for now

I have “a goal” and that’s enough

Later I might catch a job as an actual university professor. Maths or computer science. Biology or physics maybe?

it gives me an excuse to be “eccentric” lol

cause the students are here to learn not to make fun of who I am and focus on that

sure it’s a funny anecdote to mention like “dude my physics teacher is fucking nuts but at least his lectures are interesting”

and that’s all I care about

I get to express myself instead of internalising anything

and the students get to learn

yay and yay

mutual benefit!

yeah anyway fuck I have so much shit to catch up on and I’m so lazy I actually have to reorganise my room and desk so I don’t try to do my homework in bed……. (Yes I was THAT depressed and lazy)

when I do my chores in bed I keep on losing my pens and I’m one minor inconvenience away from doing something I might not particularly want to do…….

yah

thats it I guess

If this post made anyone realise something (“connect some dots”)

congrats and I’m sorry you had to find out this way LMFAO

if not

scroll ahead, not the target audience probably

[skullrock]

just ranting in my lil dairy here.

my psychiatrist has like a nurse practitioner who i sometimes see when he’s too busy and i LOVE HERRR. she listens to me unlike him and gives actual real advice and cares about me and does just brush me off or look at me like i’m insane. like i love her!!! and so last appt i told her the truth of me really not feeling good so she helped me change my medicine and told me the bottle of the new stuff would have weening off directions. so i was like cool <3 but the bottle of my new medicine didn’t have the instructions ! nor did the paperwork !

so i called his office to be like “can you have the NP please email me the weening off directions for this medicine so i can start the new one” and the receptionist was like HUH? YOU DONT HAVE TO DO THAT 🤨 which first of all MAAM you are not a doctor you just r married to the pysch! secondly yes you literally are!!!?? and she is very clearly rolling her eyes at me and she’s like “ok i’ll have the doctor call you back” BUT I DONT WANT THE PYSCH I WANT THE NPPPPP I KEEP ASKING TO SPEAK WITH HER AND THEY WONT LET MEEEE

and what’s rly so irritating about this (and also why i need a new doctor) is that this man has sent me into withdrawal before by telling me to stop taking my medicine cold turkey. one time i said i don’t think medicine helps me that much (i’ve been thru at least 8 different antidepressants and developed a tolerance extremely quickly), he told me to stop taking my pills and cancelled the prescription. and i went to the pharmacist at a fucking walmart to be like “i don’t think this makes sense” and she was like “girl you will die this antidepressant isn’t a joke you’ll have insane withdrawals” and SHE gave me weening off instructions AND ALSO free fucking medicine bc he stopped prescribing it!!!!

IM JUST SO!!!!!!!! so now i fear when the cymbalta inevitably stops working that he will do the same fucking thing when it can take upwards of a year for people to safely ween off of it. i hate my life i need a new doctor

[d1cks1e-st1x]

oh btw guys i got my testosterone dose raised!! i was on a pretty low dose before (50ml every other week) which is less than average (tbh on me a little for not looking into it). but yea now im doing 50ml a week :D

im about a year and a half on t so i havent had many big changes in a while, so hopefully i can get a little boost from this. im not unhappy with what i have so far, but im glad theres room for more masculinizing effects.

(i start talking abt genitals now so if u dont want to read that skip here. my phone doesnt like when i try to add cuts sorry)

my bottom growth has been pretty underwhelming so far, which was the only thing id say i was disappointed with. i know that the majority of growth happens earlier in, but im hoping that the higher dose will make it kick in a little more. tbh the higher dose and the fact im trying to wean off my antidepressants may make me get a little silly with it. whether that’s good or bad is yet to be determined :3

[rt-lots]

who wants to hear way too much info on my thoughts about being medicated/seeing a psychiatrist/going to therapy? read more for more

this isn't a vent post really i just wanna talk about my thoughts. post is under the cut because if people don't wanna be subjected to my brain then they shouldn't have to be.

im in a really weird spot with my mental health treatment right now because i simultaneously am very adverse to going to therapy but also am annoyed with my doctors' recent attempts to change my medication. im getting tired of going on and off stuff and altering my doses and stuff just because im not like... Good? if i understand it right. im BETTER, and id rather leave it at that then keep trying to fix myself.

which is where it gets weird, because i really, REALLY want to be fixed. it's part of why i don't want to do therapy. i just want my brain to be normal and ill handle the rest on my own. but after talking about drug interactions and side effects and my doctor saying i shouldn't be on stimulants long-term, i realized wholly, certainly this time, that no amount of pills are going to "fix" me. not even therapy "fixes" you. its not about getting "fixed". and it's probably the wrong way of going about things, but MY way of going about accepting this is the desire to just stick with what works. im still depressed, but a few missed weeks have taught me that oh my GOD antidepressants help. where im at with my doses and stuff works! at least it has. like im still depressed Whatever but its manageable, and i think im done trying to do better than manageable.

my doctor put me on new adhd meds to replace my stimulants and that's what's got me all in my head about all this. ive been feeling Not Good when before i could've at least been Not Great. its rough because now how am i supposed to even know WHAT im feeling if anything could just be a side effect of my new stuff? my newest pills came with a fucking behemoth list of side effects and background info so i feel like im not really "myself" while im trying it. (its not really helping my adhd, btw. i don't think ill keep being on these for long, so it's hard to even respect my routine while they're a part of it.)

she described the prospect of non stimulant adhd meds to me as being like "if you were a person all the time, instead of just when you take your pill" but it doesn't feel like that at all. everything's just weird and foggy. my days keep blending together and i feel like im getting more and more tired. im up but im not really awake. and i know this isn't a reason to give up on non-stimulants alltogether- this specific pill just doesn't work for me, and that's fine- but my prescriptions are all fucked up now because of it. like, the pharmacy said they were removing my anti depressants because of these new meds?? can they do that??? and i think they like unsubscribed me from adderall or whatever. so if i wanna go back to normal i need neewwww prescriptions and newww meetings and i don't wANNAAAAA I JUST DONT WANNA BRAH.

i wrote this all out a month ago i think and it actually hasn't gotten any better since. my psychiatrist didn't listen to me when i said the adhd meds don't help and prescribed me bubroprion to help me with staying awake. it doesn't do anything for me and everything's just getting worse. sometimes I don't feel like a person. people say things to me and i have to muster up my last bit of energy to put any emotion into my voice so they don't think I'm uninterested. im tired so so much and I'm spending 12 hours a day in bed. My rigorous routine i set up collapses so easily and when it does it's impossible to recover from. If I don't wake up at 7 my day is completely wasted. im running out of options. i just want to go back to my prior medication. I don't know what is side effects and what is depression and what is some other third thing but I don't even care, I want to go back to when things felt better than when they felt worse. Because fuck, I'm trying so hard and it's getting worse. I don't care that it's nonlinear. i feel like no one even takes it seriously how debilitating this is. i don't enjoy doing anything except engaging in interests and hyperfixations i don't have the energy to engage in. im so so tired. im not doing "not good" I'm doing BAD. my psychiatrist told me she didn't want to give me adderall just so I could sit on my computer all day but im not even awake enough to do that anymore. im so tired. I don't know what to do

[alohadvn808]

can't seem to sleep again. not sure why. my sleep schedule has been fucked up for months now and im not sure what else to do. it could be because I haven't taken my antidepressants for a few months now and thats why im having trouble sleeping. it has been giving me a lot of headaches and im just not having the best time with it. I have skipped work multiple times due to my lack of sleep. I try to make it sometimes but most of the time I just really feel so tired and out of it. I don't want to rely on my medication to help with sleep but i think I need to take them to help with sleep. the only problem is that it makes me feel hungover the following day. I haven't really had any problems lately, or so I tell myself. I don't know. I can't really think straight either. I feel like there's something I need to say but I don't say it. or something in my mind that I need to let out but I can't figure out what it is. I feel so lost and I don't now whats wrong with me. at this point im gonna end up going to work with no sleep again and just waiting for them to send me home because im just going to come up with some excuse as to why I needed to go home again. fuck this man, I don't know what else to do. im just here to say whats happening right now in hopes that it will help me fall asleep. clear my mind off of random things. I don't even know what else to say at this point. I feel like im just going to keep repeating everything and nothing will be cleared out of mind. im not sure what else I can do at this point because it's already 12:55 PM. my stomach is rumbling, I head feels like its pulsating, and my thoughts are everywhere. now im drawing a blank as to what else I want to say. I could end up doom scrolling and still won't be able to sleep. i need to stop myself from spending money I don't have. I have looking at things online again and I don't even have the money to really pay for it. I don't even have enough to pay for my car. i keep wasting money on things I don't need. I am in major debt and im still learning from all these financial shit. I need to make myself accountable and be more responsible with money. there's so many things I want to do and I need to make sure I am able to provide the life that me and mai wants. I feel like im already failing at that and here I am about to just give up again because I feel like there is no progress but there can't be any progress because I can't stop spending money I should be saving. I feel like I need to just put my money away and not put it in the bank so I don't get to spend them. im trying but I still end up getting them out of savings. not that I have a lot in there but I have some. I need to remind myself to not spend money. if I want to change my life, I need to do this. I need to be making the difference i need to make if I want things to work out the way I want them to be. even with my self. I need to reset everything in my life right now but I can't just stop everything and reset. I need to reset without damaging anything have now. I need to give things up in able for me to really reset. fuck man, this is just too much right now. so many random shit in my head that I need to unload. fuck

[theinyshlobster]

camp zero by michelle min sterling [review]

read from july 27th - august 2nd

review

first and foremost — YO I JUST MET MY 2024 READING GOAL! 60TH BOOK OF 2024 WHO CHEERED!

anyways i need to be real. this book was really confusing for my tiny little pea brain. i will admit i think i might have liked this story a bit more if i had read it at a different time. like im so serious i have no critical thinking right now. changing to a new antidepressant coupled with a cold? yeah i have about zero reading comprehension at the moment so take everything i say critiquing this book with a grain of salt. hell i might come back to this book in 6 months and give it an extra star cuz i did really enjoy this book at times! but idk i don’t think i can give this 4-stars when i was confused for a good chunk of the book 💀

most of my confusion i think comes from what the character’s motivations are and why they’re doing xyz. rose, judith, the barber, the foreman, garreth & merley or whatever the fuck his name was, none of their motivations made logical sense to me. yet again i am not one to talk about logic when i am literally noncoherent in daily conversations & my memory is of a goldfish. like gun to my head i cant figure out what the M guy’s actual goal was, or damien/damian (i’m gonna go with the ‘a’ spelling & if im wrong sue me). i am still confused by that.

i am also confused about the time period this takes place in, as well as the actual setting. yeah i know its in canada and its snowy and shit. but like do the girls live in a mall? where is gareth living? what even was the camp supposed to be?

the ending was lowkey kinda fire, i did not see those reveals coming (but tbh you could’ve given me a mystery novel where the killer literally confessed on the first page & i still would’ve been blindsided at the moment). i really loved the white alice chapters and as things slowly started to make more sense i was having the time of my life. but when those reveals only come with 20% of the book left….. i mean like i said i cant 4-star it.

the characters themselves were….. fine. rose was likeable most of the time. i really couldn’t work out her motivations or her true thoughts by the end. willow was also fine. judith was meh. the other blooms were literally non-characters. garreth was insufferable. the rest of the male characters were fine. i still don’t really get the barber’s motivations by the end regarding him & rose but 🤷 im not mad at it. same applies to M-guy what the fuck was he trying to do at the end. numbskull

the plot was… Ok! the actual story felt like it was going nowhere, but like i said i absolutely loved the white alice chapters. give me an entire book expanding on those chapters & im sold. those chapters kinda remind me of ‘i who have never known men’ and i adored that book so!

the preachy messages about the patriarchy and men sucking got tiring at times. yes i know men suck. they are opportunists and shallow and see women as objects and blah blah blah. sorry you’ve said your message to me, now do something with it. i mean the book kind of did at the end with white alice & rose but… idk more should’ve been done with that. i really liked the grimy vibe of this book. idk what more to say about that it had a real edgy vibe that i liked.

i have a feeling this review is all over the place (when are my reviews not) but anyways. i had a good time. i found this book average. probably shouldn’t have read this whilst my brain is mush. i defo want to come back to this in the future and see if i enjoy it more when i can actually think coherently. anyways off i go to increase my reading goal now that ive met it with *checks calendar* FOUR MONTHS LEFT OF 2024.

god speed

[chronicallyillphoenix]

My psych says that i am emotionally dissociated and this is the reason that in the past 6+ months i have actually felt a single emotion. The rest of the time i feel nothing. Absolute apathy. I get physical sensations of emotions (like tight chest when i would usually feel anxious, widespread tension/pain when i would feel angry, sinking chest and nausea when i would usually feel sad) but i dont actually *feel* the emotions. I have been explaining it like how it feels when getting a cavity fixed, the dentist numbs up the tooth so you dont feel the actual pain, but you still experience the physical sensations like the vibrations, smell, and scraping. She says its because i am still living with my ex and even tho we are friends, i still havent been given the chance to step back and actually let myself process all of my feelings.

Thats probably one of the reasons i am just now realizing im probably really depressed. Which would make A LOT of sense given a lot of the things that have happened in the past 6 months. Like. I broke up with my fiance the same day i got the money for a deposit for a wedding venue, i have lost not one, but three of my cats. And i never got to tell any of them bye because they live with my parents and even tho i didnt want them living outside, i didnt get a voice in the matter since i no longer lived there and the house went from my 2 parents, to 4 adults and a baby and they just didnt have room. Two of them were just really old and we think they did the animal thing and just went off somewhere to die alone and it *hurts* because the first one to go was my favorite because of how sweet he was and who i always slept with in my arms when i would visit (i have struggled so hard to spend the night there with him gone). But once he was gone the other two were gone within the next two months and none of them were expected (like we knew bandit and bunnie were old but we expected to them to pass away inside the cat pen where they stayed every night like every barn cat before them had and that way we could bury them up on the hill, but it didnt turn out that way). I have also developed more concerning health symptoms and have gotten no answers to them. And now my mom has broken her shoulder and isnt going to be able to work for the next 3 months and even tho shes getting workers comp, her pay is significantly less and shes my sole source of income right now. And so i am always already feeling guilty about spending any money but now i feel worse about it and am having panic attacks because i got fast food once this week because i was flaring too bad to make anything myself even tho my mom gives me money *specifically* so i can get food and stuff when i am in a flare.

But yeah i have realized i am almost certainly depressed and the funny thing is that the way i realized this was a tumblr poll. It was asking what peoples hobbies were and i couldnt answer it because in the past year i havent really had anything hobby wise. Ive mostly stopped reading, i am not doing pour paintings, not doing my paracord stuff, and anytime i decide im going to finally start knitting i just end up picking up the yarn and staring at it for a bit before setting it back down and going back to sitting on the couch with the tv on in the background for background noise.

Im going to see my psych on wednesday and i hope to talk to her about this but i also dont know what there is to do about it. Probably raise my antidepressant but idk. Im not even sad so i dont see the point in raising my antidepressant because idk what being not depressed would change because were pretty sure the apathy is because of current circumstances and not just because of depression idk. I just want everything to be normal again

[oathkeptroxas]

anyway I've been on antidepressants for over 10 years and over the last few months I've felt really down and needlessly pessimistic (more so than usual), I don't have the motivation so anything, I doubt the quality of the work I do, I have a bad sleep schedule and I'm eating 1 meal a day if I even remember that. I thought that maybe I'd somehow become immune to the meds or they were no longer as effective and I decided to go off them to see if anything changed. So for the last few weeks I've been off my meds and lemme tell you my guy it's not been a good time.

I feel like I'm disposable to literally everyone I know. I got a strongly worded email from my boss at the adviceline accusing me of purposely being unavailable to take calls. He said I had my status set as 'in meeting' for 67 hours and 'post call' for 25 hours so far this month. I started panicking because though i have been out of it lately and more scatter brained I've been trying my best and have not been away from my laptop at all, I've just needed a little more time between calls to organise the case file correctly.

Then I realised that he sent me that email on the 11th. And we'd had a weekend. So that's 9 working days so far at that point. Working 9-5 with an hours worth of breaks a day equals 72 working hours.

He accused me of purposely avoiding calls for 92 hours out of 72 possible working hours. But then also acknowledged I had a consistent call volume (one of the highest in the team actually).

Turns out I wasn't logging out of the system correctly on occasion, so sometimes the system was keeping me in my last status over night. I hadn't done anything wrong at all in terms of my working hours.

I explained this to him. He acknowledged the error but didn't apologize. I also told him about my meds.

There's also 2 of us in the team that are trained for email responses. He's given my colleague the emails to handle for the last 3 days in a row when we used to alternate. So I've been on nothing but calls since he sent me that email.

I just feel like shit and I feel like I can't approach him to discuss time off I need now because he clearly still thinks I'm just avoiding calls for some reason.

Im so angry and I'm so upset and I just want to quit but I literally can't afford too. And I know that in a few weeks, if I just make sure I'm logged out successfully, he'll see the data was skewed, but I still feel like I'm being punished for something I didn't do.

I'm in a bad mental health space. I feel like all of my friends have better things to do. I've never been anyones priority. And it's been years since I've seriously considered wanting to d*e but my dude is it a near thing right now

[sociallyawkward--fics]

hi xy time for what is becoming my annual checkin! how are u! i feel like since its been abt a year i have to infodump abt all my character development hold on i'll speedrun it. my pronouns r it/its zhey/zhem or (less preferred) they/them. and i have settled on those. it/its is the only one thats ever given me gender euphoria, took 4 years but i got there. ummm realized i have autism (undiagnosed). love the stimming and the being insane abt fictional characters the rest isnt that great. got anxiety meds!!!!! oh my god xy!!!! life is so good now antidepressants r a girls best friend. also. hold on ur never gonna believe this. i have adhd meds now. the crowd goes wild. was like yea doc idk i just think the anxiety meds r not improving my ability to focus what was that u said abt adhd^__^ n she was like hmmmm ok i cant diagnose u but i can give u this adderall u dont need a diagnosis for n if its like glory hallelujah we'll just assume u have it and GLORY HALLELUJAH. ive cleaned my room like more times in the past few months than i have my entire life im WINNING. i cant rly feel if its working but i'll sit down to write or smth n i wont get distracted every 5 seconds n the mental block that keeps me from doing things is gone!!!!! life changing stuff just wish i had it before my grades fuckin woooo splat. um my gpa is 2.2 weighted im like. ok well now that i have adhd meds im working on it -H (i feel like. ok i think tumblr made it so ur asks can be longer but fuck all those liberals n their woke agenda (joke) i am all abt tradition babey i'll be back for a pt 2 rq)

ummm rly into books love books. "thats old news h everyone knows that" but like im being wonderfully unnormal abt them<3 there was this one series the ascendance trilogy n i was fucking OBSESSED w it when i was younger n i learned there was a 4th n 5th book recently so like. the trilogy thing was a fuckin lie. but i obviously had to reread the series so i could read the new books n im still so obsessed w the series its so banger for a middlegrade series. got so unnormal abt it i made a 7hr playlist for the main character bc everyone elses sucked so much ass i just had to. still in the process of rereading but yeah. also theres this OTHER series the raven cycle i read recently n im also obsessed w that these series r all like my ideal books they hit all my favorite tropes. yeah just being rly unnormal abt books thats my current obsession. also. drawing. im so good at it u wouldnt believe. next fuckin van gogh right here. n honestly i dont even care abt going off anon it just bothers me bc my ROUTINE. the TRADITION. its just not the same. but i'll go off it just for u to show u some of my banger art. at a stage where im pretty frustrated at my limitations but that doesnt mean i cant recognize that im fucking awesome ok hold on again -H but yea ok to finish up what have u been up to! tempted to just ask what shows/game/etc uve been into but also i am exerting a little of my brain power to realize some ppls lives dont revolve around those. so just liek what have u been spending a lot of time doing. how is writing going! wait what r ur drawing skills just out of curiosity draw smth for me (if ur comfy ofc n dw i completely understand if it fuckin sucks taht was me just over a year ago) -H (when i was younger i used to think that ppl couldnt be good at writing n drawing they had to choose one. exerted my baby brain power to be like. it takes too long to get good at them u can only do one. then saw a book w the cover art credited to the author n i was like woahhh this is fuckin crazy living my younger selfs pipe dream)

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The way I have had a reminder on my phone to answer these asks for MONTHS but my executive function has been GARBAGE i am so sorry my friend it was not intentional to leave this sitting for so long i am so sorry!!! (also between the two of us this got Long so i am putting a read more so i don't take up a big block of people's dash in my return from the dead lol)

thank you for pronouns update! congrats on meds!! i gotta get me some of those so i can Detroit: Become Functional lol. I am rooting for you with your GPA!!! Also lol, love that we are following tradition of multiple asks still even with the tumblr updates letting asks be way longer now lol, it is just Familiar To Us

I will have to look into the ascendance trilogy!! My sibling is also obsessed with the raven cycle, but i have not read it yet (still debating if i want to or not, have been for YEARS lol, because i keep hearing "author problematic" and then never remember Why because i have Goldfish Memory). I will not post your off-anon ask with the artwork unless you want me to (want you to feel comfy on the blog and sending asks and I know you prefer anon!), but i will say that your art is AWESOME, my friend!! you are SO good and you're only going to keep getting better! I am glad you enjoy it!

Also bestie. This is a neurodivergent space lol, my life also revolves around shows/games/books/etc. they are the only thing that make the monotony of life and job-having under a neurotypical capitalistic society bearable lol. I actually have been getting back into reading ACTUAL BOOKS lately which feels GREAT (because reading Actual Books when i am so tired and Non-Functioning all the time is Hard lol), i am finally going through my seemingly-endless TBR and also have reread some old faves this year. Games-wise, the only thing i ever think about is still the Dragon Age games, Alistair is the love and light of my life lol. Show-wise.... i am in Limbo because of the Exhaustion, tragically, and also just waiting on new seasons (OFMD). Witcher has a new season out, but i have not watched it yet because Energy and also i have no motivation to because the last season they put out was so bad (even if i hear this one is good, i have lost trust lol)

Writing is. Not quite going lol. I have not finished a fanfic in ages, and also have made little to no progress on any of my original work attempts either, tragically. Hopefully things look up for me soon cuz I wanna get stuff DONE again lol, this blog has become so quiet and near obsolete because i cannot FINISH anything and it is TRAGIC.

Also, I have little-to-no drawing skills, but I also unfortunately do not have much energy to apply to drawing you a picture atm :(( maybe someday. Sometimes I can draw something that makes me go "omg i am not Awful, maybe I could actually put thoughts and energy into learning this as a skill" and other times it is like "i will never put pencil to paper (or stylus to screen) ever again" lol. Maybe someday when i am doing Better again i will hopefully have the energy to draw you something!!